Datasets:

zero1zero

/

erowid

like 1

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.33 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 2:45</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 5:45</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/benzodiazepine/">Benzodiazepines</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 6:45</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/benzodiazepine/">Benzodiazepines</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I am casual drug user who does some E and weed and K every 3 months or so. Partially due to the fact that it’s hard to score where I am and also I don’t want to let drugs affect my work so I only do them when I am able to take a couple of days off to recuperate. <br> <br> I have always wanted to try LSD but I could never seem to find what I deem as a reliable source till this one time. Got it off some friends whom I trusted and decided to give it a go. I was alone as it was not convenient for me to trip with others at that time so I did 1/3 of a blotter. I definitely didn’t want to end up doing too much. My pals told me that the blotter was strong so I erred on the side of caution. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text"> I definitely didn’t want to end up doing too much. My pals told me that the blotter was strong so I erred on the side of caution.</div></div> <br> <br> I had a lot of trepidation due to all reports on bad trips that I have read<!-- here and sites elsewhere-->. I definitely have a lot of demons in me and fucked up shit pent up inside so in a way the odds of having a bad trip was going to be pretty high. I am a pessimist and an eternal cynic who is only truly happy when I am rolling on some good E which is my favourite way of getting fucked up. <br> <br> T + 0 <br> Curiosity got a hold of me nonetheless and I placed that 1/3 of a blotter under my tongue, laid down on the couch and put on some nice soothing trance tunes. Not my favourite but I read setting is important so I wanted to be sure I was truly relaxed. <br> <br> And there I laid for 2 hours, staring at the fan on the ceiling with my headphones on. I didn’t feel much except for some nystagmus. I was suspecting that the blotter was bunk and I got jacked. I was debating with myself whether to do the rest of the blotter but I thought better of it and decided to wait a little longer. I could always go back to doing some E if this LSD thingy falls through. <br> <br> T + 2hrs 15mins: <br> <br> I felt the body load come on and it was not pleasant. My body temperature felt like it was fluctuating and I was experiencing nausea. My body felt weak and my mouth was parched. I got up and looked at my dog and there was a pool of blood around her. I looked at the walls and there was blood oozing out of the crevices. These visuals didn’t scare me as I was still lucid and I knew it was the drugs fucking up my eye sight. <br> <br> The experience was similar to what I had when I tried 2C-B. I tried 25mg of 2CB once and hated it. None of the euphoria that people talked about. No connection to music whatsoever. Distorted vision, nausea, unstable body temperature, anxiety and when I was done with the body load I just came back down with nothing. Didn’t enjoy myself in anyway way shape or form. <br> <br> I waited another half an hour to see if things would change but it was just more of the same. At this point I was pissed at the fact that I am going to have to endure a 10 hour 2CB bad trip instead of a 3 hour one. What a fucking waste of my off days! <br> <br> T + 2hrs 45 mins <br> I decided to smoke some weed to see if I can just turn this thing around. I did one hit from a gravity bong of some pretty good buds and that calmed me down within 2 mins and. <br> <br> I sat down on the couch, no longer feeling anxious and put on some music again. The chilled out tempo electronica didn’t seem to do it for me so I decided to switch to some cheesy Makina tunes. (high beats per minute happy hardcore type of music). <br> <br> And so my ride began. <br> <br> I closed my eyes and was transported to a stereotyped psychedelic world that you see portrayed in the media about acid. I was enveloped in all the moving colours and patterns and I watched with fascination as I felt the ‘smoothness’ of this world I was in. I can’t find another word to describe the feeling I had while having those visual. I was just overwhelmed by how smooth everything around me felt. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was just overwhelmed by how smooth everything around me felt.</div></div> <br> <br> When certain parts of a song connected with me emotionally I could feel the energy start from the base of my feet, surging stronger and stronger and it courses through my body and culminates to an explosion of fireworks when it reaches my head. There were different colours associated with different emotions. Red was for jealousy and envy, yellow was for joy and contentment, white was for sorrow and grief. <br> <br> At one point, a bastardized version of Adele’s “ Fire to the Rain” was playing and the melody was so poignant that it brought forth all the pain and sadness and I covered my face with my hands and I was bauling uncontrollably inside but there wasn’t any sound coming out of me. I was lucid enough to know that though I was tripping in wonderland. <br> <br> T + 3hrs 30mins <br> <br> Decided to step off the magic ride when I realized that with all that emotional energy coursing through me, I was totally drenched in my sweat. I told myself I had better check on myself every 30 min or so to make sure I was not dehydrated. Good thing I had isotonic drinks with me so I would be able to replace my body salt content also. By now I was no longer seeing blood everywhere and was much happier since I got to experience something magical for my troubles. <br> <br> I stepped out to have a cigarette to enjoy a little of the night sky. I felt perfectly normal sitting there with my cigarette and unless you looked at my pupils you couldn't really tell that I was on anything. <br> <br> I then got back into the house and sat on the couch to experience the silence. (It was 3 am in the morning now) and that is when I had the strangest experience ever with drugs. <br> <br> T + 3hrs 45 mins <br> <br> I started to pantomime. <br> <br> I was perfectly conscious and sober in my mind at this point when I felt my hands started to move and gesticulate. I could tell myself to stop but I decided to just let go and see where this is going to take me. <br> <br> My hands would gesticulate to every thought in my head. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My hands would gesticulate to every thought in my head.</div></div> I was having a full on conversation with myself about all the things in my life, the stories, the analysis, the justifications, the excuses, the lies that I have ever told others and myself and others to me. <br> <br> It was a very emotional experience and could feel my facial expression change with the emotions but the whole time not a peep came out of me. <br> <br> Out of the blue, I would stop talking to myself and start acting like a clown. Making stupid faces and contorting my body in strange poses. (I was just glad I was home only with a dog who doesn’t care what you do with yourself. There were times I looked like someone going through an exorcism.) Every 15 mins or so I could and would stop myself to get a drink of water as I felt that I was losing water through sweat. But at the same time I didn’t want to suffer from water poisoning so I would try to a piss to see how much water I had in my body. <br> <br> T + 5h 45mins <br> <br> This went on for another full 2 hours and it didn’t seem to be abating. I can stop myself from pantomiming to do something but once I am done focusing on performing a task it would start again. Any thought that came into my head would have a corresponding gesture and set off a chain of other movements. Listening to music didn’t help because the melodies would set off certain movements and they were even more intense and tiring at this point. <br> <br> I climbed into my bed to try to somehow sleep but no dice. <br> <br> Even the thought “ Stop this! Calm down.” Has a movement that comes with it so evidently I wasn’t going to be able to stop it for very long. At this point I could feel that I was very physically tired from the sometimes very strenuous uncontrolled body movements and I really wanted it to stop. <br> <br> I remember telling myself at this point, “Fuck psychedelics, I am sticking E!” I controlled myself long enough to check on the internet using my cellphone on how to abort an LSD trip. I was in luck as I had some benzos with me. Popped one and I was out of it in about 15 mins and I popped another after an hour to get to sleep. <br> <br> I woke up after about 5 hours of sleep the next day and surprisingly with not too much of a hangover. I did lose quite a bit of weight from all that water lost. But I had no appetite whatsoever for the rest of the day. Immediately after the experience I really didn’t want to try LSD again. If this is what I experienced on 1/3 of a tab I just wondered what would happen if I did a the whole thing. I don’t know how much there was in that blotter but really, how much can you get on one blotter let alone 1/3? <br> <br> I tried to find out if others have had similar experiences as I did with the pantomime but I couldn’t find anyone either among my friends or on websites such as this one. I am sharing partly to see if anybody has had the same experience. <br> <br> All in all the experience didn’t change me at all. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">All in all the experience didn’t change me at all.</div></div> Now with a little time between me and that experience I am ready to try LSD again. But I might candyflip to see if it’s any different and will make sure I have enough benzos with me in case it gets really unpleasant.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 102880</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 35</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Feb 16, 2020</td><td>Views: 2,820</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=102880&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=102880&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), Combinations (3), First Times (2)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">210 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> My First Experience With LSD and Psychedelics <br> <br> I am a 21 year old engineering college student who tried LSD for the first time about three weeks ago. Around the time I tried LSD, I had just finished my winter quarter and had to return home due to the Coronavirus pandemic. <br> <br> A couple weeks before the quarter ended, I was conversing with a close engineering friend. Our conversation turned towards hallucinogens at some point, and he discussed his experiences with taking LSD, mushrooms and mescaline. Given that I had never really used any substances recreationally (besides some occasional social drinking), he recommended that I try LSD for my "first time". I thought about his suggestion for a few days and performed some research into LSD. I ultimately decided that I would try LSD at some point during my spring break. I bought a few LSD gel tablets off of this same friend and hid them away. Right as my winter quarter final exams ended, my university required most students to move out of campus housing due to the Coronavirus situation, so I had to return to my parent's house. <br> <br> Since both of my parents were working from home due to the Coronavirus, I realized that I would have to be discrete about taking LSD. My brother had also returned home from his university for the same reason as me. I talked to him and found out he had used acid before, so he agreed to keep an eye on me when I decided to take the acid. He also had a testing kit and verified that the tablets I had appeared to contain LSD. <br> <br> I made plans to take LSD a couple days later. I spent the morning and afternoon of that day preparing by clearing out my room, hanging up a few posters on the walls and preparing a playlist of music and videos that I would listen to and watch. I selected nine hours of "SpaceAmbient" instrumental music and three of my favorite videos from a particular Youtuber. The videos, totaling about 70 minutes, explored the past, present, and future of the universe in a highly visual manner with a powerful instrumental soundtrack. <br> <br> I fully intended to approach my first experience with LSD with an open mind and positive attitude. I was in a good mood having received my remaining final grades earlier that day and finding out that I did very well in all of my classes. I was excited to see where the experience would lead and what insights into myself that I would gain, but also a little nervous because this was my first time really doing an "illegal" drug. <br> <br> At about 9 PM that evening, I consumed one gel tablet (approximately 150 - 200 μg according to my friend). I then drank a couple glasses of water and took a quick shower. I returned to my room, put on my headphones to listen to the ambient music, and laid down in bed. I started feeling a noticeable change in my mental state about 45 minutes later. The first thing I felt was an overwhelming feeling of positivity connected to the music. This music itself felt so beautiful and emotional. "How could anyone not listen to this and feel so awe-inspired?" I thought to myself. <br> <br> Visual hallucinations did not start until about 60 - 75 minutes in. I first noticed the curtains in my room subtly and gently pulsing. The visuals increased in intensity pretty quickly over the next 20 minutes. By 90 - 105 minutes in, the popcorn ceiling and textured walls were moving around in complex, dynamic patterns and fractals. The ceiling was slowly rotating. I saw what appeared to be blinking eyes moving around on the ceiling and on many surfaces. The music radiated pure positivity. <br> <br> As the walls of my room, posters and ceiling continued to pulse and gently rotate, I suddenly felt this connection to a sort of shared cultural consciousness. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I suddenly felt this connection to a sort of shared cultural consciousness.</div></div> It was as though I now understood a bunch of pop culture and history connected to LSD and other drug use that I was familiar with only in passing. This is the force that drove the counterculture, so I thought. <br> <br> At about four hours in, I paused the music and began watching the videos I had lined up. The videos are already visually spectacular and the ideas discussed hard-hitting without LSD, but watching them during the trip simply blew my mind. The videos' visuals seemed so much more complex and the ideas explored felt so much more powerful. I felt microscopic, humbled by my insignificance on the scale of our galaxy, on the scale of our universe. I felt so grateful to have the opportunity to live life at this privileged moment in time, for the conditions necessary for life may only exist for a vanishingly brief moment on the scale of the entire timeline of the universe. As the arrow of time continues its cruel march forwards with entropy slowly erasing everything I know, I am afforded the opportunity to be alive, to briefly carry the torch of life that shines in defiance of the cold, uncaring darkness that awaits me and, eventually, all life on this planet. <br> <br> As I watched the videos, I noticed the light in my room was radiating pure energy that made my skin tingle with a calming coolness. The colors of the light and different posters in my room were continuously and subtly shifting between a white and yellow tinge. I looked over at one wall and saw cyan-blue-yellow bird-like patterns spreading their wings and taking flight. The passage of time was also somewhat slower; the video seemed to slow down and linger on for longer than I thought it would be. <br> <br> After the videos finished, I sat back in bed, turned on more ambient music, and started contemplating my future while staring at the rotating fractals moving across the popcorn ceiling. My contemplation reinforced my confidence in my current plans to attend graduate school and pursue a PhD after I graduate next year. Academic research is something I currently love and would love to continue doing. <br> <br> The intensity of my emotions and hallucinations gradually faded after about seven hours post-consumption. The overwhelming feeling of positivity had long ago faded away. Every surface still had blinking eyes and complex, dynamic patterns. Infinite fractals appeared and disappeared. The music still sounded much more complex. <br> <br> During this period, I did have one of negative vision. After I turned off the lights in my room and laid down in bed, I looked at some blinds in front and to the right of my bed. As I focused on the outline of the blinds, which were backlit from a streetlight outside, I observed rapidly moving lines which began to morph into spiders. I did not feel any panic or anxiety. Simply closing my eyes resolved this issue. To avoid seeing anything else that could be potentially distressing, I resigned to putting a cover over my eyes and listening to ambient music. I watched muted kaleidoscopic fractals dance across my vision until I fell asleep a few hours later. <br> <br> After twelve hours, or 9 AM the next morning, I was finally able to fall asleep. I was mentally exhausted by that point and happy to get some sleep. When I woke up at 1 PM, everything appeared to have returned to normal emotionally and physically, though I felt a little drained for the rest of the day. I had a deep, restful sleep the following night and woke up from that feeling completely normal again. <br> <br> In summary, my first experience with LSD was a deeply personal, emotional, positive, profound experience. I felt like I understood and perceived so much more about myself and my role in life. I was humbled by how utterly insignificant I am on the scale of the universe. I now recognize LSD as a powerful tool for unlocking parts of the human experience that are not accessible through other means. Sufficient preparation and having the correct mindset were undoubtedly vital for keeping my trip a mostly positive and beautiful experience. I am still processing what I felt and saw three weeks later. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I am still processing what I felt and saw three weeks later.</div></div> My perspective on life has also noticeably shifted; I feel so much more grateful for living and experiencing life. <br> <br> I see this as a first positive step into the wide world of psychedelics. My brother and friend have agreed that we should plan a fun outing to a remote campsite in the Sierras after the Coronavirus pandemic passes.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114289</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 24, 2020</td><td>Views: 4,204</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114289&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114289&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">buccal</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:45</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cig.</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">180 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This story took place in summer 2018 and it has to be the most profound experience in my life. I was 36 years old at the time of this experience and I had not done LSD in the last 15 years, yes my last LSD trip took place back in 2003, but that's another story. <br> <br> I have to say I was not under any medication nor any other drugs when I experienced this, and I also have to say that I have done many different drugs in my life and I can say I'm well experienced with them, I also fell in love with psychedelics in high school since the very first time I tried them ( mushrooms and LSD), so I can say I have good experience with LSD, at least twenty times and over one hundred mushroom experiences. <br> <br> I found some LSD after 15 years of looking for it, I live in a small city down in Mexico, so LSD was something no one had ever heard of ( they have mushrooms growing wild in the nearby mountains instead, and that's something almost no one even talks about, I mean most people don't even know what they are, everyone just talks about cocaine and alcohol). But one day I bumped into someone who was about to change the way things were for me, this person had the real stuff… How do I know? Well, I bought two tabs then went home and did some research about the new drug testing kits I could buy online, I wasn't completely sure this guy was selling real LSD, so taking my precautions was something I wasn't going to forget (I don't trust anyone selling drugs, specially in Mexico and specifically new dealers). I had to buy the Ehrlich testing kit, soon I was testing a little corner of a tab and to my surprise... it came back positive for LSD, jackpot!!! <br> <br> Not knowing how strong the tabs were, I decided one tab would be fine, so I took the one with the missing corner that I had cut off earlier to test, then I went directly to my bedroom. I was in a comfortable place where nobody would interrupt me for the rest of the night. <br> <br> 5:00 pm - I'm sitting in my bed meditating to get rid of some of the anxiety I was feeling ( come on, it's been 15 years since last time I tripped) 30 minutes later I felt I was ready… <br> <br> 5:35 pm - I placed the tab between my gums and my upper lip and as soon as I felt it touch the inside of my mouth I knew there was no turning back (I knew I was in for a ride). I felt a rush of euphoria just by the fact that I knew I was going to be tripping soon. I felt like I had won the lottery. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt like I had won the lottery.</div></div> <br> <br> 5:40 pm - Setting up some nice music to listen to, by the way, the tab was tasteless, and I'm now getting some comfortable clothes on, just trying to get the best out of the whole experience. <br> <br> 5:55 pm - Still at baseline, it's a beautiful cloudy day, there's a nice breeze in the air and it feels good, but no feelings of the LSD yet. <br> <br> 6:10 pm - I'm feeling something, but not sure exactly what, just a little bit spacey, I feel something shifting in my mind, but that's about it. <br> <br> 6:20 pm - I have these "dream like" feelings that come and go, and a strong euphoria is starting to set in my whole body, I'm definitely feeling extremely happy about everything, I'm starting to notice some strange spots on my computer screen that appear and disappear constantly. <br> <br> 6:35 pm - No visuals yet, but I'm feeling this enormous joy and happiness, as in when you are deeply in love with your soul mate and everything is perfect between the two of you, it also feels like butterflies in my stomach as in when falling in love for the first time, just wonderful. <br> <br> 6:55 pm - A slight feeling like when I drink a couple of beers is starting to creep up on me, I'm reaching this moment where I feel clear headed and extremely happy, just wonderful and strange at the same time. <br> <br> 7:00 pm - Reading about Albert Hofmann and the history of LSD is wonderful and so fun, I don't remember enjoying reading so much the way I'm doing right now. I'm also thinking the tab was a little weak, I should be feeling more of the effects, but that's ok I rather be on the safe side, that's why I won't be taking the second tab, I've read so many trip reports where taking a second tab was a big mistake, I'm just gonna keep playing the waiting game patiently. <br> <br> 7:25 pm - The effects are pretty much the same but a little stronger, they're starting to build up, I believe this to be the "peak" of my experience. Feelings of joy are all over me, my eyes tend to close half way and I'm suddenly reminded of MDMA. I'm in a dream where I am fully charged of this unexplainable energy going through my body coming from the center of my soul… Is that possible?... Wow!!! <br> <br> 7:50 pm - I feel my body very energetic but sleepy… just in my eyes (if that makes any sense). Everything is starting to move slightly and the walls are starting to breathe, my senses are heightened, music appreciation comes as I pay close attention to every sound in the song I'm listening to. <br> <br> 7:55 pm - Objects are starting to move, colors are alive and so bright, like they are calling me, yes they're calling for me to pay close attention to them. I also see some colorful shadows creeping in the corners of my vision and in the corners of my bedroom. <br> <br> 8:10 pm - I still feel I'm coming up, the effects are getting stronger and stronger by the minute, oh man! was I wrong about the "peak" earlier, every effect is being amplified <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I wrong about the "peak" earlier, every effect is being amplified</div></div> by the drug, it's starting to do what's supposed to… and I'm loving it! <br> <br> 8:35 pm - Every effect described earlier is getting very intense, music sounds a whole lot better now. There has been no body load at all, everything seems positive and in the right place, this moment is perfect, I can't say I'm tripping, everything is just in its perfect place; mind, body and soul. <br> <br> 8:50 pm - I'm having deep feelings of love towards life, my loved ones and my surroundings, I finally understand so many things I was ignoring that have been in front of me this whole time. <br> <br> 8:54 pm - Everything in my room seems to be expanding and growing out of proportion, I feel I can fit so many thoughts into one tiny moment,, time seems to have stopped. I have sweaty palms and a slight body temperature, but it feel just right and normal for me. My thoughts are becoming sharp, everything in my head is being understood, any question I make about my life makes sense now. <br> <br> 8:57 pm - Beams of clear light are shining off my jewelry, it's as if they're calling me trying to say something, I'm trying to "read" light shining off precious metals… Can I read "light"? well, almost, I mean it's calling my attention, but I don't quite catch the message. <br> <br> 8:59 pm - I'm looking at some pictures with wild animals and landscapes in them and this seems to bring out my love for nature, I'm aware of all the living things on Earth. My thoughts seem to take on another dimension, I feel like I just crossed the next higher level of this wonderful compound. <br> <br> 9:05 pm - Love, love and nothing but pure love is all I can feel, even though the visuals are not strong, the love sure is and it's running through my body like the way my blood runs through my veins. <br> <br> 9:15 pm - I know I can take the next step, I have a joint I want to smoke, the effects of the LSD aren't that strong that's why I'm taking the decision to go for it, I want to experience the effects I once did with this combo a long time ago, I'm ready! <br> <br> 9:20 pm - This joint tastes so good, the quality is not the best to be honest, but the whole joint will do the job, I rolled it with a full gram. <br> <br> 9:28 pm - Finished the whole joint, it was a full challenge, but I sure love the way is making me feel, it was just right, everything is starting to vibrate and shining at the same time. <br> <br> 9:35 pm - Wonderful combo… Interesting!!! <br> <br> 9:50 pm - Just like I remember, strong and lucid thoughts, pure love radiating from everything I see and touch. <br> <br> 9:55 pm - I can't find the words to describe everything I'm experiencing , I'm finally connected, now I'm in tune with existence, but it's hard to explain. <br> <br> 10:00 pm - I decided to lay down on my bed with my eyes closed under the sheets with the lights off… <br> <br> The traveling begins… <br> <br> 10:01 pm - As soon as the lights go out, I feel like I'm ready to be launched into space. I'm under my sheets and I feel like I'm floating in space, suddenly I'm able to travel at the speed of light. <br> <br> I'm in the dark with the lights out so I don't know the time, from now on I'll just explain what I saw and felt, it was so real and everything felt like I was actually there in every place; I'll be explaining it the best way I can. <br> <br> So I find myself navigating through the universe at the speed of light, making stops in random galaxies and planets just to meet all kinds of intelligent "beings" in multiple realities taking place at the same time, but in different galaxies and planets, there's life everywhere in the universe and I'm discovering it. <br> <br> For some reason I end up in a strange world where all human consciousness get uploaded after dying into this one and only computer system manipulated by this pale, big-eyed beings who are "harnessing" these human "spirits". There I am, and they just noticed I have died, so my spirit has to be uploaded like the rest of them, but for some reason these beings can't harness my spirit. Could it be because I actually didn't die and my body is back on Earth waiting for the drug effects yo wear off? And this is actually true, and it's really taking place and the only reason I know it is because I'm on LSD. <br> <br> I somehow seem to wake up from this hibernation state and as soon as this happens these aliens detect it and all the alarms go off, they're calling me an intruder who now knows the secret no one else should know except for them, anyway I start "hacking" the system telepathically and I'm able to see what is really happening in this place, as they find out what I'm doing they start going after me, now I'm getting away fast traveling through space using certain galaxies to navigate my way back to where I started before I was launched into space. Earth... <br> <br> I arrive to a planet, similar to Earth, I'm standing in this forest, nothing much happens here, but I manage to find out I can travel anywhere I want, simply by thinking about it. Am I traveling through space just by putting my mind into it? Yes!!! <br> <br> Suddenly my mind takes me to this futuristic time traveling machine where I sit calmly waiting for the t - minus countdown. I'm about to begin a time travel into the future… 3, 2, 1… Time travel!!! And as soon as I arrive I start yelling "we pulled it off" wait a second… We? … Yes!, There seems to be someone sitting next to me who is glad and excited knowing we just did something no one else had done before. <br> <br> There we are, in the future, just to find out everything is so empty and lonely, reality seems to "not" take place "here" as in I need to be in the "past" in order to make the "future" happen, that's when I realize the future is connected with the past and present, where the past events connect with the present and the future can't happen without the present, so I think to myself "there's no point being here in the future, I must go back to the present" <br> <br> Back to where I started, navigating in the present and through the universe, I find this to be extremely easy to do, as if I knew the routes or as if I had a map inside my brain, I know where to make the right turns at the right time, it felt as if my traveling machine with this wonderful technology was trying to lead me the way through the cosmos "reaching" me about the múltiple universes I was now navigating through where all life is connected and taking place at the same time, but in many different planetary systems in many different galaxies in different universes; all in one at the same time, uploading their consciousness into the computer program where I was earlier, waiting to be downloaded into a new body to be born again somewhere in the universe. <br> <br> Downloading my consciousness into a new body… <br> <br> I'm hacking this advanced computer and I find a new body to be downloaded to, I find myself inside a deer's body, strange, but interesting. I lived the deer's life and died of old age, suddenly my spirit gets uploaded to the main computer, so I'm able to choose a new body quick and fast because these pale beings have detected me once again. <br> <br> Getting away from these beings is something I learned very quickly, it seemed easy to jump into new bodies coming back to live new lives in many different planets just to die and go back to the main computer over and over multiple times. I got to live so many different lives that seem to have taken centuries, but all this happened un a matter of one hour, but it's sure felt like several eternities, time traveling at the speed of light yo all these different places, all these great distances of light years were si apart from each other that it seemed like I had been traveling forever… <br> <br> I suddenly open my eyes... <br> <br> 11:01 pm - Back in my bedroom. All my visions had taught me how life works, how we're all being harvested and planted again and again in the universe, just like a farmer would do with his land and seeds, spreading life and collecting it… It all makes sense now! <br> <br> 11:05 pm - Lights on!... My whole bedroom is vibrating and the light in the ceiling is flashing with beautiful rainbow colors showing me kaleidoscopic patterns of colorful light in tones I had never seen before, I have to say it caught me off guard, but I soon knew what was happening and I was loving it, wonderful combo, I must try this again in the future. <br> <br> 11:07 pm - I'm brushing my teeth in the bathroom and I can't help to notice I'm so big, like a giant, the toilet seems so tiny and far away as well as the bathroom sink, I feel time and space bending, shifting and morphing all at the same time. <br> <br> 11:15 pm - I forgot to feed my dogs earlier, this is the right time to do it. Once I get downstairs I feel this enormous love towards my two pet dogs. <br> <br> 11:23 pm - Back in my bedroom, music sounds awesome, I find myself looking for soft sounds in the song, I can feel each different sound through my body like never before. Looking at some paintings on my I-pad, art is "alive" and I can understand it in more details than before. I'm looking at some mandalas which are spinning and moving. <br> <br> 1:20 am - I'm starting to feel a soft comedown, I feel a bit sleepy, but I just can't fall asleep. <br> <br> 1:35 am - I feel everything is coming to an end, no more visuals, just strong and intense thoughts rushing through my mind. <br> <br> 1:45 am - I figure it's time to try and catch some sleep and as I close my eyes I can't help smiling, everything is just perfect. <br> <br> 6:55 am - Just woke up, I don't know what time I felt asleep, I don't even feel like I slept at all, but I don't feel tired. <br> <br> 7:05 am - I feel as if I slept all night, newly and refreshed, both, mind and body. I feel like I was born again… Wasn't I?... <br> <br> 8:30 am - Eating breakfast tastes soooooo good! Is a lot more pleasurable than normal. Everything seems to have come to perfection. <br> <br> 9:30 am - I'm doing laundry and I'm enjoying it. Not tired nor sleepy. <br> <br> 10:00 am- I feel something in my brain was unlocked, something only a few have got the chance to experience at such low dose. I got away with "the secret of existence" I guess they let me get away with the knowledge si I could transmit it to humanity. <br> <br> 10:30 am - I still feel fully awake and refreshed. <br> <br> Conclusion: <br> <br> The best experience of my life, I now look at everything in a different way, a better way, I feel the love for everyone I come in contact with, life will never be the same, it'll be much more pleasurable. I feel this "knowledge" gave me the love my heart needed to live in a much better way, better life quality. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text"> I feel this "knowledge" gave me the love my heart needed to live in a much better way, better life quality. </div></div> <br> <br> Today is April 26, 2020 and this love and personal pleasure has stayed with me this whole time, it hasn't worn off, if I can say, it has grown a lot more since then. I am a new and better person since this experience. LSD has taught me how to love and live life at its maximum. I'm not encouraging anyone to try what I did, but if you do, please pay attention to set and setting, know your source and test your tabs. Play it safe. <br> <br> My love goes for everyone in the universe. <br> <br> See you in the next life. <br> <br> Peace!<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114340</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 36</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: May 2, 2020</td><td>Views: 2,773</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114340&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114340&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:25</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:15</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 bowl</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Throughout much of my life, psychoactive substances have been of profound interest to me. Brainwashed, as so many others, by anti-drug campaigns and the whisperings of parents and teachers, my early fascination was mixed with terror, leaning in with interest to learn of how marijuana “attacks” the cannabinoid receptors of the body, with little regard to the actual constructive effects of such substances. <br> <br> I remember the gradual shift in my perception of the matter, following the measure of independence found by a boy entering junior high. As school divided itself into periods, and girls lost the cooties with which they had been imbued for so many years, cannabis was stripped of its fangs, leaving only a burning interest stoked by the whispered conversations of high school-bound eighth graders, protected in the unmonitored security of bathrooms and remote lunch tables. Soon, my own use of the drug became somewhat of an inevitability, although I didn’t puff on a joint for the first time until the beginning of my high school years, a relatively long wait, considering. <br> <br> My cannabis use both continued and increased as the years progressed, and the sense of annoyance once provided by school was replaced by abject terror and stress lasting nine months of the year. As the effects of weed became commonplace, providing the usual emotional relaxation, but lacking the otherworldly excitement the highs once provided, my attention turned to other drugs, specifically of a hallucinogenic nature. It felt wrong (and perhaps even dangerous), however, to approach such a substance out of pure boredom, so I abstained the entirety of my junior year, in wait of a mental state in which I could hope to garner the realizations so many others had before me. Finally, midway through the first semester of my senior year, I decided the time was right to experiment, and I now write this report almost a month after the experience, in hopes to convey its immensity and otherworldly strangeness. Before this, my only drug experience was that of a relatively frequent smoker of marijuana, having never been drunk, or high on anything else, making this account truly one of a rookie to the psychoactive realm. <br> <br> Upon making my decision to try the drug, I purchased three tabs of LSD from a friend, who happens to possess a somewhat disturbing knowledge regarding illegal activities around the area. My purchase came with a confirmation of the product's purity, one that I trusted well from this particular individual, and a recommendation to ingest a single tab for a beginning trip, saving the other two for a later, assumably more intense, journey (he also told me that he believed the tabs to be 100 ug each, though I have no way of confirming such a statement<!-- , as I’m sure Erowid will echo-->). My initial intention was always to follow this dosage advice, though such a plan became somewhat difficult to carry out due to circumstances I’ll describe later. <br> <br> Before ingesting the tabs hiding in my wallet, I decided to make a clear goal regarding what I wished to gain from the trip. My greatest fear was to become part of the group of high school druggies I knew far too well, who graduated to acid after weed became boring, paving a road to the disturbing destinations of cocaine, addiction, and rehab. I decided to focus my mind to the nature of reality, avoiding the social interactions and complexities which I deemed generally meaningless even sober, yet still produced an irrational amount of stress in my day-to-day life. I also hoped the drug would promote pieces of writing, as this is one of the only forms of art in which I participate, and through which could hope to translate the inner workings of my mind to a medium with which others could engage. These hopes in mind, I chose an otherwise unimportant Saturday night, planning to wait till my parents fell asleep down the hallway, then explore the far reaches of reality in place of my own slumber. <br> <br> In preparation, and to calm some last-minute nerves, I smoked a bowl of weed a short time before ingestion. During the entirety of the trip, I somehow managed to continue writing nearly continuously, waking up to nearly six pages of rollicking, somewhat non-sensical dialogue, most of which is not worth repeating here. What follows is, as closely as I can remember them, a breakdown of the events which took place that night, and a (woefully inadequate) description of LSD’s incredible effects. <br> <br> (T+0:00) I ingest my first tab of LSD at 10:40 pm, holding it under my tongue perhaps five minutes before swallowing. I begin to watch “Cosmos” in hopes to set somewhat of a theme for the trip, and await the come up. <br> <br> (T+00:25) Assuming some effects would be felt within twenty minutes, I began to feel disappointed, and in hopes to “jump start” the trip, ingest an additional half-tab (50 ug?), hoping I won’t regret this decision in a few hours. <br> <br> (T+1:15) At this point, my come up had most definitely begun, but I realize this only in retrospect. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">(T+1:15) At this point, my come up had most definitely begun, but I realize this only in retrospect.</div></div> This period of the trip was characterized by an increasing dissociation, and separation of mind and body. The feeling was similar to withdrawing into my own head, but never realizing it. My body became its own entity, and would remain so for the entire experience, as if I had a companion on my journeys…though that companion was simply my own being. Most notably at this point, however, I again took the small square of LSD by my bed in my hand, in order to admire the beauty of the tinfoil surrounding it. I don’t remember this beauty being based in visuals from the drug, but rather an altered perception of standard reality. I suddenly felt a strong (and somewhat unnatural) urge to take the extra half-tab, awkwardly attached to its partner square via a small perforation, and did so almost in a fervor just before midnight, shakily ripping the package open. This brought my final consumption to two tabs of acid, or 200 ug, if my supplier is to be believed. Putting on my “stoner” playlist (mostly strange, atmospheric metal and rock, A lot Like Birds is featured dominantly), I closed my eyes and began the journey in earnest. <br> <br> (T+1:50) Here the peak truly began, and was initially characterized by complete inability to stop smiling, as waves of euphoria washed over me. I thought of the feeling throughout my being as chemical at first, but the adjective doesn’t seem entirely appropriate, in retrospect…the closest I can come is to imagine an LED light, the long kind, which flickers as one turns it one, and makes that high humming noise, hanging dormant in my conscious, and LSD being the force which flips its switch to an “on” position. Descriptors of the overall feeling (gathered from my notes) constantly include words such as chemical, industrial, neon, and bright. The peak, however, blindsided me. It felt as if my mind and thoughts were thrown forth into my surroundings by a particular guitar solo playing from my earbuds, and every thing began to feel incredibly fast, almost frantic. A sense of beauty, however, was pervasive above all else. It was less the beauty of my relatively dull surroundings, but felt like a strand which ran through the world, serving as a connector of those things possessing such beauty, both physically and conceptually. I came back to this thread (which I could not see, only sense) throughout the trip when feeling uncomfortable, and it served as a constant source of reassurance and happiness. My brain began to function on two different levels, seemingly creating thoughts it was unable to interpret, almost a pure, unfiltered dialogue running through my mind upon some rollicking ticker tape. This, I now realize, was another manifestation of my “separate” personas, and their simultaneous existence, one which seemed to experience the full mental effects of the drug, the other which clung to a shred of…sanity, in lack of a better word, and desperately attempted to interpret the information being thrown at it by its brother. <br> <br> Interestingly, it felt as if visuals took place upon this plane of traditional reason, and this led to another unique (if, at times, annoying) aspect of the experience, in that I constantly felt torn between the two entities and realities. A part of me wished to stop thinking, at least to the greatest extent this was possible, and enjoy the patterns appearing before my eyes from a less confusing perspective. Another part of me, that which desired a more spiritual and significant experience fought to dive into the confusing medley of my drugged self, and uncover what secrets lay there. Eventually, I believe I found a balance between the two realities (if that’s what they were), and spent what I feel to be an appropriate time in each. <br> <br> (T+2:20) I became shocked into writing another journal entry after a period of inactivity, and adjustment to this state of mind by the sudden aggressiveness of a System of a Down song appearing on shuffle, perhaps not the best choice of auditory stimuli. At this point OEVs had set in intensely, although I for some reason cannot recall experiencing any CEVs, though not for lack of trying. I saw fluorescent patterns, frequently Mayan or Aztecan in form, dance in the darkness before me. With a barely stifled laugh, I realized they appeared nearly identical to the backgrounds of “Realidades” grammar videos, shown frequently in my high school Spanish class. Text also began to move as I read it, with words seeming to fly about the page when focused upon, and lines of writing spreading apart in acute angles to devour their brethren below. Though this made journaling on my phone difficult, I somehow continued to do so. I also began to sense a faint animal presence on the headboard of my bed, above my right shoulder, and eventually decided it somehow felt like some kind of large lizard, a chameleon, I concluded. This lizard became somewhat of a companion upon my trip, although he (or she?) was undoubtedly as mischievous as comforting. <br> <br> At this point I decided (or at least think I decided) that I needed to pee, and made the walk down the hallway to do so. This action is mostly difficult because of the proximity I must come to my parents room, but I managed to execute it relatively painlessly, though my depth perception had notable difficulty ascertaining distances (the toilet bowl especially alternated from appearing twenty feet away to inches from my face while I looked down upon it). I also took this opportunity to glance at my reflection, expecting visual distortions, but was only greeted by an entire lack of connection to the face which gazed back. A somewhat weird feeling, though surprisingly not entirely unwelcome. It felt good to feel as if I had escaped my skin, as it were, for a short period of time. Returning to my bed, I tried watching Cosmos again, and other movies on Netflix, but never really felt as if any were entirely appropriate, or interesting, although the visual distortions upon them were fascinating. My thought process began to truly tackle the nature of reality, a hefty subject, but I eventually came to the conclusion that it can only be defined in layers, similar to the layers of movement I experienced upon my visual field. As I understand my thoughts now, I believe that I determined each of these infinite layers to be the product of a human falsification, and each reality a plane in which this lie is truth, each layer stemming from a specific falsehood. Each of us exist within our own mix of these layers, depending on what falsifications we take to be true, and as such, our views of the world and universe inherently differ, and are each unique. I decided a state of enlightenment, spiritual or otherwise, could only be achieved by peeling back these layers of deceit, in search for the “truth” of the universe. This realization was one of the greatest I came to from the experience, and it is one I continue to implement in my life, understanding that lies I tell alter the objective realities of my friends and family. <br> <br> (T+4:00) I began the slow process of descending from the peak I had reached at this point, and began imagining it as my differing entities drawing closer together, and at the point they meet my thought process would be entirely normalized. Visuals definitely remained present at this point, but ceased to intensify or alter, and as such became less interesting than my thoughts, though I distinctly remember a fascinating moment of watching the wall of my room bubble into water droplets, and shift abruptly in my field of view. Eventually, I decided to pee a second time, both out of necessity and a desire for a change in scenery. Upon returning to my room, I caught my first and only glimpse of my lizard companion, as a dark shape scurrying back to its proper place on the bed. I somehow knew a trick had taken place, but lay down in spite of such misgivings… <br> <br> …and fell through the headboard. Literally, I felt as if the lizard had replaced the wood behind my head with a portal into the universe, and I fell backward through stars, and bursts of swirling color, before finally falling back into my own body only seconds after leaving, aligning my two entities in shocking finality. This did not represent an entire return to reality, as I had predicted, but was truly the last of any kind of peak, and the rest of the trip was spent in a mentally exhausted stupor, unable to rest, and having been awake for far too long. Anything interesting to write about ended at this point, and the remainder of my time tripping was spent watching visuals fade, and trying to ascertain the significance of what I had written and experienced. After viewing the sunrise (a truly beautiful site) I was able to fall into a kind of open-eyed sleep for perhaps an hour, regaining some energy. <br> <br> By T+6:00 I felt as if I would be able to carry on a logical conversation with a sober person, and probably not have them guess my mental state. By T+8:00, any interesting visuals had disappeared, though colors remained brighter and more contrasted than normal. Right before I decided to get up and take a shower, however, a close friend texted me saying he wanted to have his first acid experience (and first experience with any psychedelic drug, for that matter) that day, and we drove to a nearby nature preserve to do so. He dosed on my final tab of acid around 10:45 am, almost exactly twelve hours after I had done so, right when the last of my own effects were wearing off. This gave a distinct and pleasant feeling of “passing off” my trip to him, and the remainder of the day was spent hiking in beautiful fall weather, walking through art museums, and delving into countless deep and fascinating conversations. It was an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world, though next time I hope to have it in an area of more natural beauty, and with the ability to be physically active, as I feel both factors would influence an even more incredible trip. Finally, I’ll end this lengthy report with a piece I was able to type out while peaking strongly, and which I feel summarizes the feeling as a whole quite well: <br> <br> <blockquote>“Have you ever looked at a sunrise? I mean, really looked at it, waited it out, ascertained the sense of scale it brought you? We always imagine ourselves in those rays, warming us, guiding us, imbuing our pontification…but what if you were the light? What if you were the rays, simultaneously as you were whoever they showed upon? What would matter? The strangest things, I think, would. What color would the sun be, as it soaked the tops of steeples, buildings, plains, forests? Would it progress from yellow, to purple, to blue, or back again? And perhaps more importantly, who would it be that basks in the rays, and what meaning would be ascertained from them? Can they understand? Will they ever be able to?”</blockquote><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 109747</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: May 13, 2020</td><td>Views: 6,246</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=109747&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=109747&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), First Times (2), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 2:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This is a report of my first full-blown LSD experience a few nights ago. It was one of the richest, most concentrated, most sublime twelve hours of my life. <br> <br> As dosages are pretty unreliable with street acid, I cannot say the exact dose I took. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">As dosages are pretty unreliable with street acid, I cannot say the exact dose I took.</div></div> However, the seller claimed that each of his tabs was 100mcg, and I took four tabs. I had taken one of his tabs a few weeks earlier and experienced threshold effects--some visual distortion, slight changes in my thought processes, some sensory enhancement, and an inability to fall asleep for at least twelve hours. <br> <br> On this occasion, I took three tabs at 6:00pm, holding them on my tongue for about 45 minutes, then swallowing them. I then took another tab close to 8:00. <br> <br> I decided to take notes constantly during the experience, and I’m glad I did. Excerpts from these notes will appear in italics. I’ve divided the report into sections to make it easier to read. <br> <br> D.M. Turner, in his Essential Psychedelic Guide, calls LSD “the molecule of perfection.” While there is as much variety in people’s LSD experiences as there is variety in people themselves, his description suited my experience. In comparing my experience with my previous experiences with psilocybin mushrooms, the former conjured images of diamonds, clarity, light, perfection in a “mathematical” sense, rainbows, whereas the latter brings to mind images of the earth, the ocean, and feelings of sinking and flowing as water. This is simply my experience. <br> <br> Previous experiences: cannabis, psilocybin mushrooms, 4-AcO-DMT, 25i-NBOMe, MDMA, HBWR seeds, DMT (smoked) <br> <br> Set: Contemplative, solitary, mystically-inclined; practicing deep acceptance of both the inner and outer world--this attitude of acceptance has prepared me for the expanded world of the psychedelics; reading widely in philosophy, psychology, and religion. A composer. In a long term relationship with my love. <br> <br> I was a little nervous, having never had a full LSD experience, and I was taking what seemed to me a fairly high dose. And I had originally planned to take it the next day, but I was suddenly inspired to take it this evening. I felt good and ready, though, after previously been quite afraid of the drug. <br> <br> Setting: My bedroom on a spring evening; my surrounding city neighborhood; a train; a train station; a park by a river. <br> <br> I. <br> <br> 6:00pm Take three tabs. I put on some Bach keyboard music. I had been reading Dale Pendell’s Pharmako/Gnosis, and in the LSD chapter he had described listening to Bach under the influence. I have always loved the intricate, mathematical nature of his keyboard music, and it fit my mood nicely. Also, since I have listened to his music since I was quite young, it is comforting and homey to me. There is an order to the music that calms me. I had just eaten dinner, so I wasn’t expecting any effects for at least an hour or two. <br> <br> 7:00 Reading The Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment online, a book from the 1970s that offers some reassuring advice about what to do during a bad trip, and some pointers on psychedelic exploration in general. I notice the words starting to shift, a restlessness growing in my body, a little pleasant trembling. My visual field is a little fuzzy. <br> <br> I had watched some porn before reading the book, feeling a strong sexual energy growing in my body. I had kept the Bach on and muted the porn’s soundtrack, and I had noticed that I was gravitating towards more soft-core videos. I think about sexual ecstasy and spiritual ecstasy for a bit while I watch. <br> <br> 7:20 Visuals increasing pleasantly. A nice moment: a Bach piece comes on that I once tried to teach myself on the piano. I hadn’t heard it in years. Considering taking a fourth tab, the only one I have left. I decide to see where I am at 7:30. I write this in my notes: <br> <br> I feel like i am in a humming heaven of frequency and ecstatic...the bach is literally the perfect accompaniment. <br> <br> As I look around the room, I feel like I am in a sacred hall of mirrors (reminds me of Alex and Allyson Grey’s Chapel of Sacred Mirrors)--my curtains are welcoming me. <br> <br> It becomes clear to me, something I often think about during the day: how fluid my thoughts are with my surroundings. It makes sense from a certain meditative perspective, which considers thoughts as another thing that surrounds us, like the objects in a room or the clouds in the sky. I see this--when the music is nimble, my thoughts are nimble--when the music comes to a pause, my thoughts also pause. I think about how little control I actually have over my own thoughts. (This is something I will be contemplating throughout the trip.) <br> <br> the whole room is alive with energy and im just swimming in it <br> <br> not even 730 yet--just checked for time dilation (I looked at a second hand on my clock to see if the seconds seemed to be going slower...they did not.) <br> <br> 7:30 Still thinking about taking the last tab. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, was flying over a vast ocean, reminded me of the film Ashes and Snow, which I decide would be beautiful to watch in this state. I decide to watch it later. For now, I want to listen to some of my own music on headphones. <br> <br> 7:35 definitely feeling disconnected from the world in a lovely sense, going out for a bit of a walk <br> <br> every step of this trip so far as felt leading down a particular path, but also no path in particular...just following my lead wherever i’d like to go <br> <br> II. <br> <br> 8:00 I take the last tab outside. <br> <br> 8:20 I am outside sitting on some stairs, watching the city life--the people, restaurants. Visuals are out of control now, it feels like the world is a Van Gogh painting--intensely vivid with color and swirling with energy. This is when the perception of color begins to intensify to a degree I have never experienced, at least in my memory. Perhaps as a child I saw the world in a similar way. Throughout the entire trip the phrase “the colors!” repeats in my mind hundreds of times, wherever I am, even in the darkness of my blankets later in the trip. <br> <br> I have been thinking a lot about this aspect of the experience, the colors. It wasn’t just that they (particularly the neons) appeared more vivid. Wherever I looked and saw color, I felt a strong sense of gratitude for their presence, and the sense of beauty in the world that they represented. Each street light or flash of color in someone’s clothing presented itself as a jewel, a precious concentration of light and beauty. <br> <br> I noticed something I’ve noticed on shrooms as well--the ease with with which I can fall into a train of thought and completely lose myself in it for what seems like minutes, but turns out to be only thirty seconds. <br> <br> 8:25 I consider adding MDMA to the experience, and I toss this idea back and forth about twenty minutes, finally deciding against it. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I consider adding MDMA to the experience, and I toss this idea back and forth about twenty minutes, finally deciding against it.</div></div> In the end I was glad that I didn’t, as I now have a “pure” LSD experience which I can compare to future combinations. I’m particularly interested in combining LSD with MDMA, nitrous, cannabis, and DMT. <br> <br> feels like paradise and sunshine inside of me <br> <br> there is such a deep bliss in the slowing down of time--it feels like...finally...we have arrived, and we have time to wade around in the bliss <br> <br> The slowing down of time was really one of my favorite parts of the experience. Makes me wonder what my life would be like if I lived in an environment that moved at a much slower pace than the city I’m in right now. I grew up much slower-moving suburbs. <br> <br> right now there is a distinct feeling of cosmic bliss, and desire to amplify it in some way...but also a recognition that it does not need to be amplified, and can remain right where it is <br> <br> WOW 830 <br> <br> JESUS 834 i feel like i just went through a whole lifetime...i can see why they call LSD like a trash compactor for the soul <br> <br> I had read this somewhere, about an LSD experience being capable of “compacting” years of experience. Others have compared it to a spring cleaning for the mind. <br> <br> III. <br> <br> 8:40 feeling ecstatic, literally ecstatic, like i cant contain the blisswondercolor that is exploidng outwards <br> <br> This was the beginning of the ecstasy that would last for about five more hours. It caught me completely off guard. The only previous experience I had had with this feeling was my first time with MDMA, but the feeling had only lasted a few minutes. I kept anticipating the feeling on LSD to vanish, or at least to diminish significantly, but it just kept going. I felt like I was being electrocuted from within, but instead of the pain that that would entail, it was intensely pleasurable. I could not believe that it kept going. <br> <br> It was the strongest continuous feeling of ecstasy I can remember experiencing in my life, and ecstasy in the root sense of the word, ek-stasis, standing outside oneself. I never completely left my body, so to speak, though I am interested in the possibility of an out-of-body experience. But there was a distinct sense of feeling a quite new relationship with the world around me. It was different from the oceanic sense of melting into nature that I have experienced on shrooms. <br> <br> This feeling was amplified when I put on an album by the Conogolese band Konono No. 1, some of the most ecstatic music I know. I started by playing the music from my computer speakers, but craved a much more enveloping experience, so I set up my subwoofer and two more powerful speakers on the ground to blast the music. The bass rumbled the floor and the room filled with sound. I knew that the speakers, and my neighbors, could only take so much, but I craved much louder and powerful amplification. I didn’t go any further, but I noted this craving, and noticed it several times throughout the trip--a desire to be almost overwhelmed with sensory representations of how I was feeling inside. <br> <br> big bubbling pot of music rhythms down below <br> <br> 8:53 ive found myself in the middle of a dancing circle in this nigerian village, ecstatic and communing in a circle <br> <br> slapping my thighs in rhythm, i could not stop slapping for forever! <br> <br> it feels like true entrainment--like whatever rate the music is going at, is the rate my thoughts are going <br> <br> the depth of the subwoofing is so grounding for my thoughts <br> <br> So, as I began to dance to the music, I began to move around in a circle, following the concentric circles on my carpet. I would return to this circle form later in the trip. As I continued to move, I found myself in a trance, which does not happen to me very often. I was slapping my thighs to the music, and for several minutes I felt completely locked in to the rhythm, feeling like it would take considerable effort to stop dancing. <br> <br> The entrainment was something that I kept returning to during the trip. As I mentioned earlier, while listening to the Bach I noticed that my thoughts were particularly fluid with the music--nimble passages would promote nimble thoughts, pauses would be reflected by pauses in thought. This happened again when dancing--during more up-tempo passages, I would notice a quicker rate of thinking, and vice versa. I remember reading about Stanislav Grof’s experiments with using strobe lighting and other visual effects during LSD sessions. I am interested in exploring some of these experiments, including listening to brain wave recordings on LSD. <br> <br> IV. <br> <br> 9:03 interested in seeing what silence sounds like <br> <br> feels like there are two wings growing out of the sides of my head, lifting me to the clouds <br> <br> just sitting blissfully in the clouds, feeling glad i took 4 tabs <br> <br> it’s so beautiful, i keep dreading the hour i will have to go sleep...and yet its 907pm <br> <br> feeling myself moving into a more mellow side of the trip...going to put on ashes and snow <br> <br> I put on one of my favorite movies, Ashes and Snow. It is shot in slow motion, which was quite delicious to watch in this state. I am seized by the beauty of the film, feeling like layer after layer of my soul is being peeled back and penetrated. I feel enchanted. <br> <br> 9:46 it is palpable how malleable and inconsequential my own thoughts are, like then the elephant blows out in the water--thats the expulsion of all my thoughts <br> <br> Again, noticing the fluidity of my thoughts with what I am perceiving. An image of an elephant blowing air underwater...I watch my thoughts dissolve and the follow the pattern of the image. <br> <br> 10:09 Seeing people move in slow motion on the screen prompts me to do a few yoga poses. I had a really interesting report on Erowid about someone experimenting with hatha yoga and LSD/MDMA. Stretching feels wonderful, though I only do it for about ten minutes. This is also something I’d like to try in the future. <br> <br> 10:15 The movie ends, and I decide to go back outside. <br> <br> V. <br> <br> 10:54 I feel like a significant, complex, intricately weaving part of my soul has been touched and opened. Just wandering up and down the aisles of the supermarket drinking all the colors...earlier in the trip I was also searching for and appreciating the jewels of light...I wish I could stay in this supermarket all night!!! The colors are licking at me...there are rainbows beyond what rainbows I've seen...I am reeling in the bliss of color...electrified <br> <br> This was a really special moment. I was wandering outside, and as it was a weekend, there were many people outside, bars were hopping, many late night places were open and active, to my delight. I stumbled upon a supermarket I had never noticed before, and wandered its aisles for probably ten minutes. It was intense. Particularly the produce. I was reminded me of some of the descriptions from the Arabian Nights, of the paradisiacal jeweled chambers where sultans lived. I could not believe how brilliant everything felt. Splendor. <br> <br> Also during the walk I had stopped in front of a particularly bright restaurant and stared at a menu in the window, drinking in the chatter of people in the street, and music from a nearby bar. For a few seconds I lost the sensation of my body, as if I floated out of it just for a moment, then landed back when I realized what had happened. This happened a couple of times during the trip. <br> <br> 11:01 I feel like the whole trip just started all over again! Bliss candy colors <br> <br> 11:10 I decide to visit a train station that I know will be very active at this time on a weekend, and whose architecture I really admire. I hadn’t been there in a few months. I appreciated not feeling the drowsy, lethargic feeling I often get with shrooms, and I was excited to travel on a crowded train with the partygoers. I was very awake. <br> <br> On the train (to the main train station): <br> <br> 11:25 I am literally splintering with light...it feels like there is a lightning bolt of rainbow bliss that is continuously striking at the center of my heart <br> <br> Like a fuckin stained glass window <br> <br> I feel totally unhinged <br> <br> It feels like that MDMA peak, but just does not end... <br> <br> Also, on the train I noticed a sudden shudder that traveled through my body, sort of a whole body spasm. It felt pleasant, and recurred throughout the night. The lightning bolt image was quite palpable, right in the center of my chest. I didn’t feel any physical pain, but I kept feeling like I would any second, as if I were going to burst with bliss. <br> <br> 11:40 Walking to the train station, I put on Panda Bear’s Person Pitch on my headphones. It felt so nice to listen to some of my favorite music during the trip, albums that are home for me. It was interesting listening to this album--after a while I noticed I wasn’t really listening to it, it acted more as a boost to my almost overwhelming emotions at this point. It was perfect. <br> <br> VI. <br> <br> 11:45 At the train station. There is a central ticketing booth, in the midst of a grand room. I find myself walking around and around the ticketing booth, recalling my circular dancing earlier in the trip. I want to walk around like this, drinking in my surroundings--the people, the architecture, the music, my trembling body--but I don’t want to call attention to myself. <br> <br> 11:51 Feel like an enormous xylophone, being ecstatically fondled by the universe <br> <br> Ever ytime I write something like this during the trip, I just have to laugh at the sudden poverty of my language capabilities. For example, I wrote this a little later at the train station: Candyland utopia paradise fairies <br> <br> The use of language particularly interested me because I aware of nuances and gradations to the experience that I was unable to capture with my vocabulary. Going into the trip, I was well aware of the common experience of being unable to describe psychedelic experiences, but I could not have anticipated to what degree this would prove true for me. <br> <br> 12:00 I am sitting on some steps thinking and watching the weekend crowds make their way through the station. All of a sudden, very negative thoughts enter my head, but of a character that is unfamiliar to me, almost comical in the apparent arbitrariness of the words that are suddenly flowing through my mind--sinister and sadistic thoughts. I then notice something quite striking--for the past thirty seconds or so, there has been a steady stream of people wearing black clothing passing before my eyes. As soon as I notice this, I look around to find some more brightly or lightly colored people, and the thoughts change. As I have mentioned, throughout the trip I was intrigued by the influences of my surroundings on my thoughts, and vice versa, and this was a striking, but fleeting, example. I am not saying so much that the thoughts were “caused” by my seeing darkly dressed people, but simply that I noticed a possible correlation. I notice this often when I am straight, but to a much lesser degree than I did this night. <br> <br> VII. <br> <br> 12:30 I start making my way back home. I feel like I am coming down slightly. <br> <br> 1:15 At home. I sort of want the trip to end, but I know it won’t end for another few hours. But I am grateful for the experience, and do not mind it continuing. I decide to watch Enter the Void, which I had seen recently. Still craving intense visual stimulation, and the use of color in that movie really impressed me. I watch about a half hour of it before moving on to Tree of Life, another favorite. <br> <br> 2:15 I decide to see what darkness is like. I can’t remember precisely when this period happened, whether it was before Tree of Life or after. But I turned off all of the lights and went underneath several layers of blankets to pitch black darkness. The first thing I noticed was one of my favorite parts of a shrooms trip--when I hear intricate music in my inner ear. It seems to me to be a magnification of the different sources of white noise that are present in the quiet room. I saw jagged, pulsating closed eye visuals that danced to the music, which had a distinct looping quality to it, and the presence of mallet instruments, like xylophones. <br> <br> 4:00 I also can’t remember exactly where this happened, but during this time in bed I decided to masturbate. This is something I like to investigate on different classes of psychedelics and other drugs. The feeling felt quite similar to my experience with Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds, which contain LSA, a relative of LSD, as it was difficult to maintain an erection and difficult to reach orgasm. But I remember the threshold dose of LSD that I had taken a few weeks earlier being much more conducive to sex, so I’m not ruling it out of the experience. But the visuals climbing towards orgasm were spectacular. The room was totally dark, and I had my eyes closed. As I neared orgasm there appeared hundreds of wiggling, glowing, worm-like patterns in my vision, suspended in a matrix, like an M.C. Escher painting. The point of orgasm was magnificent--the images are quite difficult to describe, but I remember a vivid lanscape of waterfalls and bright greenery, and a figure that resembled most closely a depiction of Hindu goddess, like Kali, with many colors and garments, with the figure’s head shifting shapes rapidly. <br> <br> A few minutes later, I heard the sounds of hundreds of cicadas in my inner ear. <br> <br> 4:30 Return to Tree of Life, but eventually am craving something animated, something from my childhood that is close to my heart. I think of the The Flintstones or The Jetsons, and then The Jetsons Movie pops into mind, another one of my favorites. Watching it was so pleasant--again, the colors, this time in an animated format, gave me so much delight, and it felt nice to engage with something more childish. <br> <br> 5:30 During the movie, I decide to see the sunrise, as it will be happening in about an hour, and I haven’t been up at sunrise in several months. <br> <br> VIII. <br> <br> 6:00 Head outside to the empty streets as the sun begins its slow ascent. I feel radiant, calm, glad to breathe in the morning air. I walk over to a park alongside a river see the moon on its way down (it appeared to be a full moon, and I later confirmed that it was). What a sight. I can’t see anyone--just some boats floating in the water, the moon, the city waking up, and the jewels of color that are still so vivid twelve hours later. I had considered taking my headphones outside with me, but had decided that I was saturated. But as I walked south, I heard precisely what I wanted to hear--birds. A couple at first as I neared the edge of a smaller park, then more as I entered. A lone runner waved good morning. And the birds were so soft and welcoming. I felt such strong gratitude for the entire experience, and I realized that this was the first sunlight I was seeing since taking the drug. I had also been awake now for 24 hours. I breathed, listened, and made my way back home when I was ready.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 95667</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Nov 7, 2020</td><td>Views: 2,308</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=95667&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=95667&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Various (28)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">77 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This Saturday, I ceased to exist, my ego dissolved, and I was completely consumed by hallucinations, panic, and the feeling of never getting back to reality. It was probably the most intense feeling and experience I had in my life. It might sound scary but it was also the best thing that could have happened to me right now. <br> <br> I was always curious about psychedelic drugs. Reading books like "LSD, my problem child" from Albert Hofmann. And thinking about experiencing it myself. Just 2 years ago I had my first experience with micro-dosing. However, up until now, I was afraid of a full trip on acid. I never felt that it was the right moment because I felt insecure about myself and I didn't feel right about the set & setting. I was just afraid of a really intense and negative trip, with all those insecurities, stress, and overload from work and other things happening around me. Well, up until this Saturday. <br> <br> It started as a really positive experience. This Saturday, we decided to "go on a trip" with my boyfriend's brother while my boyfriend will take care of us in case something should happen. We were just chatting, making fun, eating good food, listening to music, watching videos of nature and landscapes. Just getting in this really positive mood to enjoy the experience. Roughly 20 minutes in, I started to have the first signs. Our concrete wall had suddenly all this depth and it was slowly breathing. The screen and lights around us were sometimes breathing, slowly flipping and moving while I knew they shouldn't. The sense of depth started to change in the room, it just felt like it had different aspect ratios. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The sense of depth started to change in the room, it just felt like it had different aspect ratios.</div></div> It quite quickly developed and some images and videos we were watching looked like a comic book in real life and sometimes it looked like these vintage neon lights that were flowing. I was consumed by this feeling of inner peace just enjoying myself. It was euphoric. <br> <br> We changed our place from a comfy couch to our small relax area which is overseeing a hill with smaller houses and a big hospital on top. Just looking out the window was crazy, all those lights were flowing, changing from their real color to the comic book style to sometimes these vintage neons. It was like waves flowing in a harmony. From lights to clouds and trees. I was just enjoying the sense of being and I was still able to tell that this is probably still a reality while it was a "bit" augmented by all these visuals. The room was also changing its ratio and angles but I was still here and I was able to communicate. I just wished that I would be able to share this experience and all these feelings with others. I was just repeating to myself "oh my god, this is so amazing/cool". It was similar to one specific sexual experience from the past, where the feeling was really similar and I actually returned to this moment during my trip. <br> <br> I was constantly trying to anchor myself to my Apple Watch which had a stopwatch running, I wanted to keep track of my experience. But after an hour and a half, I wasn't able to do that, the timeline disappeared from my perception and the visuals on the watch were abstract I could not understand it. I wasn't even able to log onto my computer where I wanted to compose music while being in this state. I just couldn't do it. I felt the space around me and while I couldn't trust my sight because it was all distorted, I knew that I could trust my hearing and touch while moving around our apartment. That's how I was moving around – touching the things and areas I know perfectly even without sight. We were also looking from our terrace to the other side, everything was so bright and I just loved the visuals. We also played with sparklers which looked amazing while they were changing from these bright colors to the comic book look to waves of light. There were these "70s colors" everywhere. I was changing the location (relax area, terrace, living room, bedroom) and this euphoric state kept on going. When I was watching the visuals and movies on the screen, it looked random, there was a parallel reality happening. In a few moments like the time has stopped. Sometimes the image looked frozen and something was just happening inside my mind, it didn't make sense most of the time – or at least at the end of this phase. <br> <br> But then something happened. I was sitting in the corner of our "L" shaped couch with my eyes open but I wasn't able to see the reality and I wasn't able to communicate. Everything started to spin. The reality and everything around me started to disappear (from things on our table to the room itself). I could still enjoy it but it was becoming more and more intense. I went from our living room to all these virtual spaces that were composed of different elements, from a simple room to this abstract space composed out of golden shining triangles that looked like an optical illusion. I saw all this with my eyes open (I couldn't tell but that's what my boyfriend told me). I completely stopped communicating and I was just sitting in the corner of our couch for the rest of the night. These spaces kept changing, lights, abstract shapes, positions, dimensions. And as they were changing they were gradually becoming more and more intense and from this euphoric state, I started to feel uncomfortable until I hit the bottom. <br> <br> At the end of all these transitions, I felt the presence of a space that I knew quite well but I just couldn't see it. I couldn't tell where I am. For some reason, I felt really miserable and it was overwhelming. There was no rationality left. I was myself and without myself. I got into this psychotic state where I wanted to get back but I didn't know where I came from. And I had no idea how I got here, I wasn't able to articulate that I was on an acid trip. Things started to spin out of control. I was trying to remember who I am, where I am, why I am here but I just couldn't. The only thing that I knew for sure is that I'm no longer who I was even though I didn't remember it. And I knew that I'll never be part of the reality I was living in before, I'll never go back. I will remain here forever and I will just slowly disappear out of existence.  I knew that I did it to myself that I got myself here. My ego slowly dissolved. <br> <br> In this strange place, I wasn't able to recognize, something started to happen. The place started to transform into this room that looked like a big cylinder (sitting on the curvy sides) composed out of thousands of little movie clips that all made sense together. And there was a story happening on the outside of this. I felt that this story is about me and it's going to be embarrassing. I was the one controlling it without even realizing it. I was resisting the story but the story was trying to go on. I had a feeling like it's something from my school-age something awkward that you never want to go through again. And all your colleagues, friends and classmates are watching it. I was there and I was feeling like I needed to vomit. I was the story. <br> <br> While I was resisting the story (that was playing around me in those movie clips), I was going from a state of "it's happening, it's about me" to "no, this can't be about me" in a loop. The story was telling me that I just need to let go, I just need to let this happen and I will finally understand it. After the struggle (and feeling really bad) I just let go, I let it happen. All those little movie clips were moving as if the movie is playing in the cinema but it was not coherent. It wasn't finished, there was this part missing, the last few frames of this movie. But at the moment I let go, it all clicked, all those little pieces just fall into their place and at that moment I fall out of existence. I was and I wasn't. I couldn't tell that it was not a reality, it was the only reality for me. I was myself but without my ego. <br> <br> After this moment, space I was in started to reshuffle, it became our living room and I understood that I was at home. But space still remained this 3D cylinder composed out of thousands of movie frames. I thought that it was my boyfriend who got us here because he wanted to show me that there was a crisis in my life and it was the reason that I lost everything and everyone dear to me (it never happened in real-life). In this story, he wanted to show me all that to help me feel it and live through it. He was trying to give me the feeling of the crisis before I realized where I am and what's happening around me. I just felt it. It was like a "gift" from him. Something got us to this moment in space and time (without the sense of space and time). <br> <br> But this story was not about me it was about our universe, it all started to make sense. We were there with my boyfriend but we were part of these little movie frames, we merged into them, we were part of them. The story of the universe was happening and we were part of it. My boyfriend was talking to me in a calm manner. He was trying to show me that we are just a part of this story and that we have to let go and we have to let it happen. Become a part of something bigger. It was this crisis of the moment that connected us together. The worst thing did not happen and we were just at the end of this edge. <br> <br> With every tick of the "movie cylinder" the feeling intensified because it made more and more sense. The moment we became part of this story of the whole universe, I started to feel the most intense feeling in this whole experience. At that moment, I felt everything. I felt the weight of my whole life, our relationship, and of the whole universe and our part in it. I understood why am I here and what am I doing here. I had this deep sense of understanding. He was telling me "let it go now, we'll (and everyone will) become part of it". We were just sitting there and that was the first moment I realized we were back in our living room, it was just looking like a 3D cylinder with all these movie frames around us (drawing the room itself). The whole space slowly transformed into these 2 big vertical "waves" composed out of thousands upon thousands of movie frames. He gave me a hug to calm me and told me all of this. Let's just be here now and let's become part of this. We can just let it all go. We'll just be here now. Together. And the moment I let go and I just leaned back to our couch it was the most intense feeling. At that moment, we became part of all these stories happening around us and we were just part of the universe. My boyfriend was holding me and we were just here and now. Part of something bigger that's all around us and we don't have to understand it. We just turned with the movie cylinder, he looked at his clock and we just become part of the story of the whole universe, part of all the movies and images happening around us. <br> <br> I had a feeling that multiple lifetimes went by. And I just got another chance to and live. Restart and go. It was extremely important to just let it all go. Go with the flow of the whole universe. I can't describe it but this feeling when you stop existing and just become part of the universe is amazing. Without yourself, without your ego. <br> <br> At that moment, I felt everything. Heaviness and lightness of being. The weight of all events of my life, the weight of the whole universe. When it all clicked, it was so intense. In this second, the movie clips clicked again and they fell into place with us as part of it, we just moved with it. At this moment, at this last rotation when we became part of the story, I started crying. I had this extreme feeling of gratitude that I can belong here and that I can be here and now. It was actually the first moment when reality started to come back after this intense experience. I can't describe that moment by words, it was so strong, so unexpected, so needed. I felt so connected to here and now like I never had. I was slowly returning back to reality while not even realizing it. I just kept crying. There was my boyfriend talking to me in the real world. I didn't know where I was. And this is the exact dialogue we had: <br> <br> B: You're here, at home <br> B: You're here at home with me and our fluffy dog <br> ME: I'm here with you? <br> ME: With our dog? <br> B: You don't have to be afraid of anything sweetheart <br> B: You're just having a trip, everything was just a dream that happened to you <br> ME: And where are we now? <br> B: At home, in our living room <br> B: We're just watching our planet (David Attenborough is talking about our planet and the ocean) <br> ME: And we're here now? <br> ME: And we're here now? <br> B: Yup, together <br> [I leaned back] <br> ME: And what does it mean? <br> B: Well, that means that we're here together <br> B: You don't know what you're dreaming about and what is the reality <br> B: The truth is that we're here at home together and everything is fine <br> B: It's just a dream that it isn't <br> B: What's up? <br> ME: We are here together <br> <br> I was totally lost/perplexed. And I was crying the whole time as this experience was extremely strong. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to describe it by words. It was incredible. Just to be. I felt so lucky. With my boyfriend and our dog. I found myself. With all those bad possibilities and realities, we just ended up here among all of this. With this feeling of gratitude and all of this weight and experiences, I was actually crying for an hour (my boyfriend was keeping track of time). <br> <br> When I got back I still couldn't talk and I was experiencing mild hallucinations – those little movie clips were still slightly visible around us (just those edges of light around it) and our apartment was composed out of them. I was just able to nod in agreement or disagreement. We went for a walk with our dog. I still saw all these little movie clips around us – inside and also while walking outside. <br> <br> When we got back, I was feeling extremely peaceful. I was laying in the bad, thinking, still not sure what was and what wasn't real. I was watching all the shapes in our bedroom – from the main light to the door and our sports equipment. Everything was white and shadows were appearing and moving around those objects like the sun or other light sources were going around it, sometimes with a bit of color. I was able to fall asleep quite quickly. This whole trip took ~10 hours (from 5 pm until 3 am). <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">This whole trip took ~10 hours (from 5 pm until 3 am).</div></div> <br> <br> Only in the morning, I started thinking about the whole experience and how it all made sense together. I remembered perfectly every single moment and every single feeling I had. I'm not a religious person but now I think I can start to understand what can baptism mean and how can it feel. The moment you rise from the water after feeling that you might be drowning. You are leaving the old person behind and someone new is just going through a rebirth. I took a shower and I shaved in the morning while thinking about all of this. And that's what I felt. Clear of all thoughts. Being reborn. This whole thing was an extremely strong spiritual experience. Just leaving the old me behind. <br> <br> Few key moments for me are – the feeling of being here and now, the feeling of being so grateful for being part of this whole universe (without my ego). The appreciation for being able to be. I think the most important is the ability to be here and now. I read about it multiple times in all these books and articles. But I never felt it so intensely like during this experience. Be here. Be now. Be happy with yourself and accept yourself. Be part of it all. Don't worry all the time (especially about things you can't influence). <br> <br> And the last thing I'm taking out of this is that we should do everything that we want to do while we have the chance. There will never be this perfect moment when everything will be 100%. We have to make the most out of this. We shouldn't just work all the time, waste all this precious time or be overloaded by things around us (especially work). We should just be. Be humble. And do everything that makes us happy (not just temporarily) and feel good. No one can take all of our experiences from us. And we have no idea how much time we have for them (before we cease to exist).<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115024</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 28</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jan 18, 2021</td><td>Views: 2,401</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115024&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115024&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">500 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/acetaminophen/">Acetaminophen</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">500 - 1000 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance">Vitamins / Supplements</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:50</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/alprazolam/">Pharms - Alprazolam</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">78 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Background: 78kg male, 19 years old, it was my 14th acid trip (excluding a few microdoses, largest dose beforehand: 400ug a year prior). I had wanted to take a large dose of acid for a while but I never had the opportunity. <br> <br> It was in October, a few weeks before I was going to the military. I had prepared and planned for it, I meditated twice a day and abstained from pornography and unhealthy food. I also had a great, very intense experience on 200ug and some weed about over a month prior, but I felt like I wanted something that would really put me out of my comfort zone and give me something to improve upon and integrate while serving time in the military. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt like I wanted something that would really put me out of my comfort zone and give me something to improve upon and integrate while serving time in the military.</div></div> I also had two 1mg xanax pills, which I could take as tripkillers if things happened to go south. <br> <br> I told my parents that while they went to our grandparents house, I wanted to stay home and have a small party with friends, which they agreed to, so I was able to trip in the comfort of my own home. I also definitely needed a tripsitter, but my best friend was out of town so I got one of my other friends to stay with me. We were good friends but not extremely close, we had tripped together in the past and he had helped me calm down during difficult moments beforehand, so I figured he would be an ideal tripsitter for the evening. <br> <br> T -00.30 About 4 pm I went to the shop and bought some snacks, some blueberries and inflated chocolate, which are amazing while tripping, also some cheese snacks and vitamin water. My friend, who I will call K showed up and we started to prepare for the trip, setting up ways to play music and chatting. He told me he had to at some point go and drive his girlfriend to some place to get food or something, I can't remember exactly, I just said that it was fine. <br> <br> T 00:00 So I took the acid, so far so good. I had 4 200ug tabs with the "trippy trolls" print, claimed by a few people I know who ingested the same batch to be very strong ones. I would say from other experiences that they might be a little less than 200ug but definitely more than a standard 100ug. I don't have any way to access a testing kit since me and a majority of my friends live with their drug unfriendly families, so you just have nowhere to order it to. I didn't want to wait a million hours for it to kick in so I took 2 tabs sublingually and swallowed two, since two doses of a majority of sketchy RC acid alternatives wouldnt kill me and they aren't usually active when swallowed. However, this is not a safe way to take acid, please don't follow in my footsteps, get a test kit. Fortunately the tabs were tasteless, indicating good acid. When I took 400ug a year back, one thing which really bothered me was the bodyload, so this time I also took 500mg of paracetamol and about 0.5g to 1g of l-citrulline, which I had experienced to greatly help with it. We put on some music and sat behind the table, waiting for what was to come. <br> <br> T +00.10 Ten damn minutes and I'm already feeling it. Unreal. I'm having these weird skin sensations on my face and paying way more attention to the silences between sentences in a conversation. My thoughts began to have some noticeable gaps of silence too. I still felt amazing and peaceful thanks to meditating in the morning. <br> <br> T +00.20 I'm looking at the forest outside the window. There are patterns on the tree branches, the leaves are a beautiful orange colour because it's autumn. I'm literally already having visuals at the level of like a 200ug trip, I'm quite clear headed but time is starting to slow down a bit. My friend says he envies me for being able to have such an experience. I get sort of a feeling that the acid is disturbing the comfortable state I had achieved through meditation beforehand, but I was still quite joyous. A suggestion for what I could have done better: a good mindset to go into a trip is not to be peaceful and comfortable but strong and ready for discomfort but in a way that you are willing to let go of whatever needs to be let go of. I get an urge to pee like two times during the come up, the trip seemed to intensify a lot every time I would go into or come out of the bathroom, because of the environmental change. <br> <br> T +00.35 K now tells me he has to go and give his gf a ride, he asked if I wanted to come with him, but I refused, since I thought my home would be much safer than his car. That was a mistake, in hindsight riding around, playing music and looking at the world with someone I could trust would have been a way better option instead of being alone at home. About that time I also put on my unfinished psychedelic album, which I had been working on for the longest time. I played the first track and we both were enjoying it, but that was about when he had to leave. <br> <br> So I was now home alone. The acid was hitting me stronger and stronger, I was getting some nausea and the visuals and auditory hallucinations were starting to give me impressions of just unsafe amounts of volts zapping around in my brain. I felt as if my brain was a snail that was poisoned by a psilocybin mushroom now dying in cramps or something. The second song on the album came on, for which we had recorded vocals for with one of my friends a few days back. Since the vocals weren't edited and mixed yet and it is my song all the microscopic imperfections started really bothering me. <br> <br> I was pacing around the room and saw the neighbours come out to their garden to play with their kids. This was also causing some paranoia to me, I was getting worried that I would trip out real hard and go outside and then get caught by them or something. I made really strong efforts to just push it through the discomforts. I also started getting worried about my heartrate and body temperature, which I suspect might have been increased a bit by the citrulline, since I've previously had this effect with it on acid. I've dealt with these issues on prior trips and should have now been able to get over it but it was just so much stronger this time. The music reminded me of the passing of time which comforted me and I started listening to the vocal, pushing myself through the time dimension syllable by syllable. Interestingly I wasn't able to understand a word of the lyrics I myself had written and heard so many times. I started to patiently wait for the trip sitter to come back, but I realized I was spending what felt like 5 minutes of thoughts on about every 10 seconds of audio. <br> <br> I then remembered where I could find help. A youtuber<!-- , that you probably know if you are reading this, called PsychedSubstance,--> has this live ego death video, that has helped me get my mind straight during a few intense experiences beforehand. I somehow managed to hit the right letters on this phone that felt like the control board of a spaceship and searched it up. It did help calm me quite a bit although I had some trouble understanding language. I layed down in the middle of my living room, and just tried to let it happen but that would make everything so intense and my heart started pumping so hard as if it wanted to jump out of my chest. I started pacing again, going into different rooms and shit. And it was not the peak! It was still getting more and more intense every second and showed no signs of slowing down. I was having trouble walking and coordinating myself, but I also couldn't stand still. <br> <br> T +00:50 I just couldn't handle it anymore and decided to take the trip killers while I was still able to. My hands were shaking and it was quite difficult getting these two xanax pills out of the package and down with water. Okay, guess I will now start to slowly sober up and all will be well... Sike! That thing takes ages to kick in and I kept still getting higher and higher with no relief on the horizon. I also have never taken xanax beforehand and 2mg is quite a large dose. Taking it at all was a big mistake, as you will see. <br> <br> Then I sat down and at 5:24 I had texted K "I don't understand shit" and "Took a trip killer." He asked me if I can handle it to which I simply replied "help" and "come quick." He said he will be in his car in 5 minutes, I kept insisting that he must come here fast. Being able to be vulnerable and not having to fight the urge to take the trip killers helped relieve some tension for me. <br> <br> He arrived there about 20 minutes later and I felt a huge relief. Just a sober person's presence who understood me and how the world works made it so much easier to handle. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Just a sober person's presence who understood me and how the world works made it so much easier to handle.</div></div> Had I been with him the whole time I probably wouldn't have wanted the trip killer at all. This is where the xanax slowly started kicking in. And this is where it started to slowly get pretty interesting. It was weird, it didn't really act as a trip killer for me at all, the effects just somehow ran in parallel. At first we decided to play cards (at least tried to because I couldn't understand anything about the game), we made some tea and listened to Tame Impala. I started noticing some comfortable but weird effects that I wouldn't ever associate with acid. It felt more like alcohol, but with some effects dampened and some increased. <br> <br> I started feeling careless about my actions, was forgetting stuff, forgot that I'm on acid. I got this slumpy and a bit reckless feeling that usually comes from alcohol but much stronger, not caring about any consequences. I started (this is from what K told me later) randomly spitting out the food that I was eating and putting it in my tea, on the table, even put a few chewed blueberries into the air circulation hole of my chimney. I had no idea of what I was doing and no doubt in it whatsoever. There are chunks of time I have literally 0 memories about. This is not how acid usually affects people, the xanax was definitely starting to hit me. K thought that I was soon going to be fine because of the xanax and left, because he had to bring back his car or something. Oh boy was he wrong. <br> <br> The xanax really kicked into full gear. This is where things get messy because this is where the loop began, or rather a spiral of chaos, becoming the only true reality there is for me. The first iteration of the loop was my entire life up to me taking acid and understanding I'm in the loop when reaching the startpoint of a second iteration. The second iteration was much smaller than the first one, where I would go to some point I remember in my home with a certain activity like making tea, drinking water, going to the toilet, sitting on the couch and so on, and then discover the next point of the loop/spiral I had to go to. But the thing is every time I went to any of these places, I discovered I had messed it up a bit more, knocked something over or found more spat out blueberries there. So the thing was that every time I would revisit any place I would mess it up even more until I turn my entire universe into messed up chaos, and I was doomed to be digging myself into this grave of entropy until the end of time. I also was the only person or being alive in the universe, I didn’t think anything existed beyond my experience. <br> <br> So my solution to this was to try to map the loop in my head (it looked a bit like the golden spiral but more triangular), try to estimate where the centre of it was and to sprint as fast as I could straight to the end of it, hoping to skip all the painful iterations. But when I did this I realized every time that I got tricked and the centre was just another point in the loop and I had to do all the calculations again to find the real centre just to get played again the same way. In reality I was just sprinting around my house like a maniac. One time the centre of the loop was in some random car parked like 40m from my house, I ran outside barefoot and just started pulling the car door with insane force, I'm surprised it didn't bend it or break open or something. <br> <br> Another one I also remember was a point on the roof of my porch. I remember climbing out of my rooms window (2nd floor), knocking over a beautiful plant I really cared about, rip plant, walked like 1.5m on my window sill, jumped over a metre gap from where the sill ended to the roof of my porch and then walked across it and jumped back down to the ground from like a 3-4m height. I did some crazy crackhead parkour that night, which I would have considered impossible while sober, but then it just seemed like a walk in the park. I felt no fear, I felt no pain. It's so fucked up that the next day I wouldn't believe it really happened. But then I saw a big dent in the plastic roof of my porch and also found footprints of my naked feet on my window sill, which was clear evidence that it all really went down. I then tripped around for a while and ended up finding the end of the loop at the corner of my couch and then just layed there waiting for something to happen for who knows how long. <br> <br> T +06:30 I then soon started to realize that the loop isn't real and started sobering up. My body was exhausted, my knuckles bled in some places, my sofa was wet with what I hope was water but may just as well have been tea, piss or anything. There was like a 7cm hole in the door of my toilet, a toilet paper roll in the water and a toilet brush pushed on top of it, random wet toilet paper and a few blueberries in the sink. In the kitchen there were a few blueberries, chewed cheese pieces, chocolate pieces smashed and smeared onto the furniture, in the hall was the clothes stand knocked over and an alarm system controller knocked off the wall. In my room there was dirt all over my table right next to some expensive audio equipment and my damn plant literally broken in half. Fuck. I called K and talked to him for a while, and then went to sleep because it was all too much to deal with. <br> <br> The next morning: Woke up looked around and it all just looked like a big fuck u to me and LSD which I both care about so much. I felt like shit. Ate some. Still felt like crap, and wasted some time on my phone avoiding the whole thing. But then I had a surge of anger like "is this really how I'm dealing with it?" and I decided to go jogging and took a cold shower. I then felt way better, cleaned the whole thing up. I made the hard phone call, telling my parents that the "party" went a little out of hand and the bathroom door and alarm controller are broken now. <br> <br> The whole experience fortunately didn't seem to have any long term negative effects on me. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The whole experience fortunately didn't seem to have any long term negative effects on me.</div></div> I have had some flashback thoughts that "the universe may be secretly getting more and more messed up and it wouldn't even violate any laws" and such, getting amplified by the COVID situation, but I have understood the stupidity of it and and it's basically not bothering me any longer. The scary thing is that if the loop wasn’t just a trip and was really the ultimate reality of the universe, it would be what still feels like a totally valid reality. And there would be no one to help or save you from the eternal suffering. If there are worlds somewhere with different laws of physics and mathematics, anything is possible. It includes such horrific systems like the loop but also absolutely amazing ones. But at the end of the day, we can’t make a solid point about a universe where logic works differently, because in that context whatever we say would be illogical. We can only talk about the world we live in, and it’s for sure one of the amazing ones. <br> <br> I will probably take another attempt at a high dose trip some day, I now know a bit better what I might be in for and will make sure my tripsitter doesn't have any obligations, and also fuck xanax, never wanna take this thing again. I do not blame the tripsitter for leaving me alone, since he had to rearrange his plans to be there for me at all which I can only be very thankful for. <!-- However, if you take a high dose, make sure you are supervised and don’t fight whatever it brings to the table.--><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115310</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 19, 2021</td><td>Views: 3,622</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115310&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115310&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Pharms - Alprazolam (98) : Various (28), Guides / Sitters (39), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:45</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:10</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">215 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Since junior high, I had always been fascinated by psychedelics. I was, and still am, a person more comfortable in escapism and fantasy than real life. I believed that, through psychoactive drugs, humans could access something more “real” than reality, and that in doing so, they could understand some ultimate truth that would make life better and fuller. <br> <br> Over a period of five years, I tried many different herbs and chemicals in my pursuit of my two oxymoronic goals: ultimate truth, and ultimate fantasy. I was convinced (and in retrospect, deluded) that I could find both of these things, if I just took the right drug in the right place and time. I tried cannabis dozens of times (sometimes wisely and respectfully, sometimes irresponsibly with serious consequences), ketamine, psilocybin, salvia, and copious amounts of tobacco and alcohol to fill in the cracks. LSD was the holy grail among all of these substances, and finally when I was 19 I found a connection that could get me some. After years of searching, I secured four tabs. My plan had been to take two myself, and then take one with my closest friend so we could explore a lesser experience together. <br> <br> Foolishly, I did not stick to my plan. I paid a high price for my arrogance, but that same price also bought me wisdom that has since been invaluable. <br> <br> <!-- My first mistake was taking LSD for the first time alone. My previous experiences and hours of research on forums and websites (including this wonderful resource, Erowid) made me sure that I could handle whatever came my way, and the years of searching had also made me very impatient. --> Aside from the impatience, my mental set was good: excited, unburdened (it was summer vacation from university) and optimistic. I dropped the two tabs I’d planned to hold myself to in the comfort of my own home at about 10:30 PM, after my mother had gone to bed and after a brief 10 minute meditation to center myself. Then I waited eagerly for the come up. <br> <br> The first sensation was a sort of warm, metallic, tight feeling in the base of my throat, along with full-body energy. I felt as though my extremities were becoming somewhat fuzzy, and my breathing grew shallower. I felt flushed, and my mood elevated. <br> <br> <!-- It was at this point that I made the second mistake. -->It had only been about 45 minutes since I’d taken my two tabs, but I suddenly wanted to ensure that I had an intense, high-level trip to fully plumb the depths of my subconscious (and, hopefully, the outer reaches of the universe). So, I took a third tab, rationalizing that I could just give the last one to my friend to use on his own. <br> <br> I was clearly already not in my right mind, the LSD creating a mania that was impairing both my judgment and personality. Under all normal circumstances, the thought of cheating a friend out of anything I had promised would have been abhorrent to me, but I thought nothing of screwing my soul-brother out of the trip he had paid for. Unfortunately, any cognitive dissonance was completely washed away as the first OEV’s started to appear. <br> <br> I was standing in my office, which is adjacent to my small bedroom. The office has several large shelves of books, and a medium-sized wooden desk that supports my computer and monitor. As I stood in the middle of this space, I noticed that purple and yellow patterns, somewhat like fingerprints, were appearing before my eyes in the darkness. They twisted and flittered about in ways that reminded me of bacterium, swimming through bodily fluids with their flagellum. My mood continued to rise, and I began to giggle with pleasure and wonder at what I was seeing. I had never experienced OEV’s this powerful before, and I lay down on the hardwood floor to stare up at the darkness and let the visions progress. <br> <br> After an indeterminate amount of time spent giggling on the floor, with the visuals becoming more and more vivid, colorful, and fractal, I decided to put some music on. I was heavily into Japanese Rock at the time, and selected the song “Blue Train” by Asian Kung-Fu Generation from my computer. I was still fairly cognizant, so getting the song playing was not overly difficult so long as I maintained concentration. As the first iconic chords began to play, I leaned back in my swivel chair and let myself go into the music. <br> <br> I experienced no synesthesia, but the music completely absorbed me. I felt as though I were mentally surfing the sounds, and I took great pleasure in focusing on particular instruments and following them while excluding all the others. I discovered new aspects of the song that I had never noticed before, and felt exceptionally proud of myself for both my observations and how well I was handling the drug. I felt sure that hours had passed, and glanced at the computer clock: 11:40. <br> <br> I felt a twinge of disquiet, but of an extremely inappropriate nature. I wasn’t tripping hard enough! I recalled the general patterns of trips, and by my estimate, I would be approaching the peak in only another half hour or so. If I was still this cognizant, then it was clear that I was resisting the drug. I resolved to make the third, and fatal, mistake: I took the fourth tab. <br> <br> After dropping, there was a short plateau. I moved from the office to the living room and turned on the TV, to find something interesting to watch and see how my mind reacted. I found a children’s theater production of “Gulliver’s Travels,” and for the next half an hour I watched, fascinated by the fantastical imagery in the film and enjoying the warm body sensations I was experiencing. I squirmed on the couch, feeling the fabric on my face, my hands, my stomach, my feet… I was unable to control myself and sit still. Touching was simply too powerful of a sensation. <br> <br> The short film ended, and I turned the television off, unsure of what to do next. At this point, I believe that the third tab was in full swing and the fourth was on the way up. I was starting to lose track of my thoughts. They would race through my mind in recursive loops, but generally following the same theme: “acid is incredible.” <br> <br> I drifted into my bedroom and began to explore. My room, normally a tiny space consumed by a twin bed and a dresser, now seemed to be enormous. I nearly got lost stumbling the two steps from the threshold to my bed, and flopped onto it with an explosion of giggles. <br> <br> It was full dark in my room, but my night vision seemed exceptionally clear aside from the roiling colored patterns. I noted this and resolved to go to the bathroom and see if my pupils had become dilated, as I had heard they do when using LSD. But first, I grabbed a small stuffed companion: a six-inch high “dust bunny” from the Studio Ghibli film “My Neighbor Totoro,” nothing more than a fuzzy black ball with large googly eyes. I had bought three on a trip to Japan, and had given two away as gifts, keeping the third for myself. Now I was glad I did: he was going to be my trip buddy. <br> <br> My “friend” and I went to the bathroom, and turned on the light. I stared, amused, at my reflection in the mirror, holding the dust bunny in one hand and having it look into the mirror as well. I let out a short burst of laughter: we looked like quite the pair of stoners. My pupils were so dilated I could no longer see my irises. My eyes were like my stuffed companion’s: black orbs on a white background. I surmised that this dilation was probably responsible for my enhanced night vision, and felt quite pleased with myself for this deduction. <br> <br> I wanted to experience a new sensation, and taste and smell seemed like excellent candidates. I stumbled downstairs to the kitchen and found a container of honey roasted peanuts. Their flavor was beyond intense: it was cloyingly sweet, in an artificial manner, and beyond that sweetness was a wholesome nutty flavor that completely seduced me. I stood by the refrigerator, eating peanuts one by one with exquisite slowness. <br> <br> Then I heard a scream. <br> <br> Under ordinary circumstances, I would have thought nothing of it. My neighborhood is close to downtown Chicago, a mere bus ride away from Michigan Avenue. At night young people were out at the bars, and they often make a commotion. But in my altered state, this (probably gleeful) scream sounded like the howl of a banshee. I froze, nearly literally: my internal temperature suddenly plummeted and I began to shiver. <br> <br> I looked at my tripping companion, and his large eyes now seemed worried. I concurred that things were not as jolly at they had been merely seconds (or was it minutes? Hours? Time was becoming increasingly hard to comprehend) ago, and we beat a hasty retreat to the bedroom. I got under the covers, shuddering violently, and tried to ride out the bad vibes. <br> <br> But it only got worse. The shivering did not end, and the visuals were becoming first tiresome, then disturbing. My room was growing larger and larger, and I was seized with a horrifying mixture of agoraphobia and claustrophobia. I had to get out… and I had to stay in. Neither and both were critically important. Then I began to experience aural hallucinations: I heard hoofbeats, drawing closer and closer. I became convinced that the Headless Horseman, an old childhood demon, was coming for me, and he was bringing a posse. He would ride in through my window any second now: my frying brain could see him now, laughing with hellish, malevolent glee, riding hard to take my soul. <br> <br> I had my last coherent, rational thought at that moment. I needed to call my friend who had given me the acid, and tell him that I was having a bad trip. Over the phone, he would surely be able to talk me down. I summoned up all the trip reports I had read, trying to reassure myself that I had only taken a drug and that it would eventually end. <br> <br> Then my mind was overwhelmed, dragged down by a riptide of psychedelic fury. I can only presume that at that point, the fourth tab peaked alongside its three siblings. At this point, I have no idea how much time passed, and I am amazed I can still recall everything that happened. But I was completely psychotic, and no longer able to differentiate my thoughts from reality. My ego was breaking down, and what would be raised up in its place would be complete megalomania. <br> <br> I had a simple thought, that rang out in my mind like a clear bell in early morning: go take a shower. I went downstairs to the bathroom, stripped, and turned on the shower. The sound of the water and the heat of the steam eased my shivering, and I sighed with relief. I stepped into the shower. <br> <br> Then I began to spit. Large amounts of phlegm were being expectorated with each spit, but I no longer understood this to be a side effect of LSD. Instead, I thought that I was purging out my very essence: everything that was me was coming out in this spits, and with each one my physical body was diminishing. I was regressing, becoming smaller in body and mind with each spit: I was returning to the womb. I suddenly understood, with perfect clarity, that this had happened many, many times before. I was repeating a cycle, like the phoenix, of death and rebirth, and it always happened when I was nineteen. I would find acid, take it, and revert to an infant, only to grow up and repeat the cycle again. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was repeating a cycle, like the phoenix, of death and rebirth, and it always happened when I was nineteen. I would find acid, take it, and revert to an infant, only to grow up and repeat the cycle again.</div></div> <br> <br> As I continued this regression, I began to have intense flashbacks to my actual childhood. I recalled sitting in the bathtub, probably no older than three, playing with a measuring cup in the water and smiling up at my beloved mother. I remembered the first birthday celebration I attended for a friend, eating a chocolate cupcake with white frosting while sitting on a small plastic chair with several other toddlers. I recalled standing up in my crib, reaching out to my father as he bent down to pick me up. <br> <br> The regression continued, past my birth, and I realized with a shock that my timeline actually extended to before my birth. I entered the role of my father, wearing his trademark blue bathrobe, wandering the house late at night, with my wife (mother?) with child, sleeping uneasily. Then time went forward again, and I came to my present self again, sitting in the shower and huddling against the faucet. <br> <br> I was filled with an incredible sensation, an overwhelming feeling of power and destiny. I had faced my cycle, the LSD recursion, and now I had a choice: I could live the cycle again, or step outside of it. If I moved beyond it, then my fate would be entirely of my own choosing: I would begin a new life, free from all negativity, with all my closest friends, for as long as I wished. I saw past the veil of existence and into the truth. I was an enlightened being, a Buddha! No, more than that: I was omnipotent, immortal, and free from the chains of my human body. I could shape the universe to my will, and the cosmos would bow before me, if only I seized this power and would let go of my petty fear and puny mortality. <br> <br> I left the shower, shrugged on my robe, and strode out of the house. I left through the front door, and saw the first edges of dawn were appearing. As expected: I had advanced time forward so that the sun would witness my rebirth. I walked down the middle of my street, my robe open, feeling the cool spring breeze upon my naked skin, and shouted to the sky for the joy of it. I was God, made flesh and now allowed to ascend to My divine being once more. I would rule in heaven alongside my chosen companions, and together we would forge a new covenant with reality! I resolved to head straight to my soul brother’s house, awaken his latent spirit, and together we would awaken the others. I decided I would continue to walk, as an ordinary being, although if I wanted to I could shed my human form and fly. But not yet: it was enjoyable, to be human in flesh yet divine in spirit, the height of ecstasy. I approached the busy thoroughfare of Ashland avenue, where cars were zipping by. <br> <br> I confess that I do not know if there is a God, or any creation spirits in the universe at all, but some force from either within my deluded mind or without convinced me to turn around and not walk out into Chicago traffic in the middle of the night. My “awakened” consciousness rolled with it, deciding on a whim that it was too soon to awaken anyone, and to return to my mortal abode for a time to better understand my new powers and destiny. So I turned around, and escaped certain injury or death. <br> <br> I walked in my wide-open front door, still raving loudly about how everything was so clear, so wonderfully magnificent, and that I was the Lord incarnate. My mother came downstairs, sleepy and confused, asking me what was happening, what was wrong, why I had left the front door open. <br> <br> I goggled at her, then laughed cruelly. She looked so frail and old, standing there in the hallway with her hand closing the top of her robe. She looked like my mother, but I knew that she was not actually there. She was a manifestation of my decaying mortal mind, trying feebly to restrain my ever-expanding consciousness. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">She looked like my mother, but I knew that she was not actually there. She was a manifestation of my decaying mortal mind, trying feebly to restrain my ever-expanding consciousness.</div></div> A mental artifact, nothing more. She did not deserve the slightest acknowledgement. I pushed past her and headed upstairs, continuing to shout and gesticulate. My mother followed me, her voice becoming more and more worried and frantic. She said that I wasn’t making any sense, and that I was scaring her. She asked me what was happening, and if I was all right. <br> <br> This construct of my cowardly old mind was starting to irritate me. It was playing dumb, trying to distract me from my ascension. I dealt with it briskly: I told it that had taken four tabs of LSD, and it had awakened my innate divinity. I was a God, and you were a construct of my old mortal consciousness I had no further use for. I dismissed the construct and decided to head out to the porch, perhaps the roof, to take in the coming dawn. <br> <br> The construct that looked like my mother barred my path, screaming. It said I was frightening her, that it wanted to know why I had taken acid, who had given it to me, that I could not leave. I regarded this old part of my life with a mixture of amusement and contempt. How could I have tolerated such a shrewish, cowardly part of myself for so long? I commanded it out of my way, and shoved forward to the door. <br> <br> My mother fought me to stop me from going outside, and in the scrabble I hurt her hand and wrist on the door. I am much larger than my mother, and stronger, but thankfully I was so intoxicated that I could bring no real strength to bear on her. Once again I was saved from horror by providence or sheer luck: if I had been more focused, I could have seriously hurt her. <br> <br> As it was, I was bemused to find that this construct of my former self was still quite powerful, able to repel my godhood. I decided that I still had too much of my mortal self clinging to my soul, and had to be rid of it. I stumbled back downstairs to the shower, to continue purging. On the way I pulled a potted plant down off the banister on the stairway, and it fell ten feet to the kitchen floor below. I took a few moments to sit in the dirt and play with it, my robe lost somewhere on the stairs. Then I headed into the shower. <br> <br> I stood under the shower, chuckling at the remarkable power of the human spirit. “Truly, it’s all perception,” I said to myself, and it clicked: that was the final piece I needed to understand. It was all perception! Each human perceives the world in their own unique way, and in their perceiving it, they create it. It was just like how, in physics, mere observation of atomic phenomena alters the state of the observed: perception of reality defined reality. Depending on how I perceived things, I could literally change the universe! <br> <br> There was a knock from outside my mind. <br> <br> “Sir? Come out of the shower and get dressed. This is the police.” <br> <br> “OK, in a minute,” I reply, amused at this latest attempt by my former unenlightened shadow to nip my ascendancy in the bud. Now it was taking on the form of that impersonal authority, the “police,” to “control” me. Well, I wasn’t going to fall for that. I would shut them out of my perception, and the figments would be banished. I stood in the shower. <br> <br> Another knock. “Sir, come out now and get dressed.” <br> <br> “I will when it pleases me to do so,” I replied, and then decided that it pleased me to do so now. These artifacts of consciousness were really getting out of hand. I had to get them under control. <br> <br> I stepped out of the shower, dried off, and emerged naked from the bathroom. Two policemen appeared to be in the kitchen; the light was now on. The figment that looked like my mother was sitting at the kitchen table, staring horrified at my godhood. <br> <br> “Sir, put some pants on.” <br> <br> “I don’t think I’d like that. I’m fine naked, thank you.” <br> <br> “Sir, put some pants on or we’ll put pants on for you.” <br> <br> I shrugged. “It’s all perception,” I muttered, and put pants on, to appease the figments. They had a certain, powerful insistence to them that I found hard to deny. <br> <br> “Sir, put shoes on.” <br> <br> “I’d really prefer not to.” The figments insisted. I put shoes on, and said, “it’s all perception.” <br> <br> “Sir, put your hands behind your back. We’re going to cuff you.” <br> <br> “Oh, I really don’t think I will. This has gone far enough: I order you to disappear.” <br> <br> “Sir, put your hands behind your back, or we will have to force you to do so.” <br> <br> I considered defying them again, but I was beginning to feel more and more tired. And dizzy. Things were starting to lose definition. “It’s all perception,” I muttered, and put my hands behind my back. They cuffed me and took me out of the house. <br> <br> At this point my memory deteriorates. I remember lying facedown in what I can only presume was an ambulance, my hands cuffed, swaying with the turns. I remember being wheeled in a gurney, and hearing two nurses speaking in disgusted tones: “what happened to him?” “Oh, he took a bunch of acid.” “Acid? What a loser! This isn’t the 70’s anymore!” This may or may not have actually happened. <br> <br> I am in a bed, strapped with to the bed cuffs. The cuffs are poorly fastened: I burst from them and try to sit up. Orderlies shove me back down. <br> <br> I am lying on a moving platform, going into a dark tunnel. <br> <br> I am back in the bed, and hooked up to a heart monitor. A doctor is muttering and kicking the machine. I find this ridiculous: that’s an expensive piece of equipment. “Hey, take it easy man, it’s not the machine’s fault,” I say. <br> <br> The doctor is gone. A nurse is telling me that I have to urinate into a cup. I tell them I can’t, I don’t need to pee. “Sir, we need a urine sample. Pee into the cup or we will need to insert you with a catheter.” I tell them that this is unnecessary, and that the urine sample is not necessary either, I simply took a few tabs of LSD and achieved godhood. I am duly given a catheter, sans anesthesia. The pain is intense, yet distant. “It’s all perception,” I mumble. <br> <br> I am alone. The catheter is painful. My straps are loosened again. I remove them and begin to attempt to remove the catheter. A doctor sees me and begins to babble in a heavy accent, “no no no! There is a balloon inside of you, you cannot take it out!” I find this utterly ridiculous, as a Foley catheter would use a balloon on the OUTSIDE of the penis, and there is clearly not one there. This doctor is a quack. I tell him so, and continue to attempt to remove the catheter. Orderlies are summoned again. <br> <br> I come to. My mind has, somehow, become my own again. I remember, vaguely, the precise moment when my logical human brain was supplanted and I became a megalomaniacal psychopath. I mostly feel relief that the experience has ended. I got what I had wanted, an intense psychedelic experience, but it was so much more than I had bargained for. I had read about things like “loss of ego,” “delusions,” and “reactions similar to schizophrenia,” but I had had no comprehension of what those things were like to experience. <br> <br> I turned to my right and saw my mother sitting there, smiling sadly at her stupid, stupid son. I grinned, the abashed grin of a dog who shat on the floor, and said, “I really fucked up, didn’t I mum?” <br> <br> She burst into tears. She thought I was going to be insane forever, but now she had her son back. <br> <br> A few hours later I was released from the hospital. It seems that the LSD had caused me to run a slight fever, and since I had done nothing but take hot showers and had not drunk any water, the dizziness and black out could be explained by simple dehydration and minor hyperthermia. The dark tunnel I had seen was an MRI machine, but it had showed no problems. As expected: LSD is not a physically dangerous drug. <br> <!-- <br/> BUT: it is an extremely potent, and dangerous, psychic drug. I was lucky to be alive. I had completely forgotten who I was, and had lost touch with all reality. <br/> --> <br> I was not charged with any crime, and was only liable for the ambulance ride and the deductible on insurance. On this score, I was very lucky as well. My mother eventually trusted me again, although rebuilding that trust was a long process. There are emotional scars I left on her that will never heal; I carry a few myself, mostly of guilt for hurting her and a sort of psychic PTSD. Sometimes I remember how close I was to getting myself killed, or wonder if that psychosis had not ended, and I feel a terrible dread and fear that clings to me like cobwebs for hours. <br> <br> In the end, my ultimate realization that everything is “perception” was absolutely true. But now that I can once again bring a sober mind to bear on the experience, I understand that my revelation was only partly understood. It is true that human experience, and reality, is strongly influenced by our perceptions. An optimistic outlook can powerfully alter a circumstance to make a difficult issue solvable. Likewise, a pessimistic one could make a solvable problem appear to be impossible. <!-- If you perceive your life to be going nowhere, then most likely you will make no headway with anything you attempt. If you believe you cannot fail, it’s likely that you won’t. --> <br> <br> But just because perception affects reality doesn’t mean that perception DICTATES reality. Humans can and will impose perceptions upon reality that are warped, and can thus perceive reality incorrectly. We can perceive seven dollars when there are actually six, but we are no richer for doing so. My LSD experience completely dissolved this boundary for me, and I believe that merely imposing my will on reality made my perceptions true. But this is wrong: will power is merely the beginning of changing reality. After will, must come action. THAT is how perception shapes reality: when we not only will for change, but also act. I can will my thirst away, but only a drink can quench it. I can will to be successful, but only hard work can make it happen. I can will words onto the page, but I must use my fingers to impose that will and create something from nothing. <br> <!-- <br/> In conclusion, psychedelics do in fact have much that they can teach us. They can help us appreciate what we once took for granted: our jobs, our friends, our circumstances, our sanity and our lives. They can give us a new perspective on our problems, both out in the world and within ourselves. They can give us remarkable insights, sometimes profound and sometimes simply comical. <br/> <br/> But they are powerful tools not to be trifled with. They must be respected, and used appropriately. I should never have taken so much acid on a first time, should never have done it alone, and should not have increased my dosage without consulting anyone or waiting an appropriate amount of time. --> <br> It has been four years since this experience, and I have only used psychoactive substances a handful of times since. I learned what I needed to learn, and no longer want to run from my life. I try to seize it, and forge my destiny the real way: through will, through work, and through love.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2009</td><td width="90">ExpID: 102779</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jun 23, 2021</td><td>Views: 3,297</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=102779&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=102779&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Meditation (128), LSD (2) : Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Bad Trips (6), First Times (2), General (1), Mystical Experiences (9), Families (41), Music Discussion (22), Various (28)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">330 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 2:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance">Changa</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 6:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance">Changa</td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">77 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> An Overwhelmingly Terrifying Experience <br> <br> This trip report consists of two DMT experiences, both while under the influence of LSD. It is the latter DMT experience which is of most interest, and you may skip to it if you like, but I feel it important to provide the necessary context, especially as both DMT experiences were completely unlike any other DMT experiences I’d had. <br> <br> I consider myself an experienced psychedelic user, having taken countless LSD experiences over the course of approximately a decade, as well as being a semi-regular user of DMT, although usually at sub-breakthrough doses, with only some limited and mild ‘full’ breakthrough experiences. <br> <br> --- LSD come up <br> <br> So today, in the early afternoon, I was well rested, in my own home, and decided to take 330 micrograms of LSD (my usual 'go-to' dose), and the purpose of my trip was to relax, listen to some music, de-stress and contemplate some things that had been on my mind. <br> <br> The first part of the trip was uneventful - I came up quickly, I enjoyed dancing around my kitchen with some music in my ears, my mood was exceptionally high - I felt fantastic. At about two hours in, I was tripping very hard and in the peak of the LSD experience, and I sat down to do some meditation. <br> <br> Instantly I was transported to a familiar headspace - I started feeling a sense of connectedness with the world, and I started seeing some very familiar closed eye visuals that I often associate with this meditative state. <br> <br> Part of the tapestry on my wall started glowing bright as I focused on the centre of it and I felt little shreds of my ego being picked away, as I so often enjoy when meditating on psychedelics, and my body felt a little bit lighter for each shred that was removed. <br> <br> --- First DMT experience <br> <br> I had the sense that I was ready for more, and I wanted to try again for that elusive DMT breakthrough experience, which I had been trying hard to achieve for years. I loaded up the bong with 100mg of 50% changa and took it all in two hits. <br> <br> Now, I will say, if anyone else had been describing this to me, or if I had been reading my own experience elsewhere, I would doubt the legitimacy of it. Even as I type it now, it sounds so bizarre. I can assure you I am trying to be as accurate as possible, and I’m not exaggerating for effect. <br> <br> I was relatively disappointed that when I opened my eyes after the 2nd hit, I was still in my room. However, my disappointment did not last for long, as the centre of the tapestry on my wall which I had been focused on before smoking the hit became even brighter, extraordinarily so. This bright light grew bigger and formed four corners, and essentially a portion of my wall was replaced by this pure white rectangle which had space behind it, as if it was a door to an entirely white room. <br> <br> I promptly felt my body be pulled towards the light, and I was consumed by it. My perspective changed and I became aware of my own body now floating in this white room, and I was looking down on my body. Each part of me started to detach and split off - I saw my legs detach, one by one, and then my arms, and they floated away into the nothingness until they were gone. <br> <br> Eventually, all that was left was my skull, with no torso, and I saw my head split open and my brain slid out. I could see the fine details of the tissue on my brain, and it looked healthily pink. I then watched my brain split in half down the middle, and each part of my brain went flying off into different directions. I was consumed by whiteness for a few moments longer and then eventually I was spat back out onto my sofa, with crazily intense visuals filling my room. <br> <br> I was absolutely floored by how REAL it was - I still had my sense of self, and I knew I’d taken DMT and LSD, but there I was, quite literally watching parts of my body float away, in full HD vision, as if it was the most ‘ordinary’ thing ever <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I still had my sense of self, and I knew I’d taken DMT and LSD, but there I was, quite literally watching parts of my body float away, in full HD vision, as if it was the most ‘ordinary’ thing ever</div></div>, the same as going to the shop to buy some milk. <br> <br> I felt pleasant throughout the whole experience, and I was never scared or afraid when I was in the white room. Once I calmed down a bit from the DMT ‘haze’, I became very reflective and intensely in awe of the experience I had just had. I’ve seen lots of things ‘in my head’ before, but never had I seen, clear as day, such a blatant disregard for reality. It made no sense to me that I could view myself having my limbs torn off and my brain split open, but it had just happened. I saw it with my own two eyes. It was clear as anything else I’d ever seen. <br> <br> I sat for approximately two hours trying to make sense of it (whilst still tripping on LSD), and I considered it an extremely profound experience, and one that was unknown to me. I finally managed to distract myself from the experience for a couple of hours, and got some food and watched some television. <br> <br> About 4 hours after the initial experience with DMT, and about 6 hours after I took the LSD, I felt fully recovered and recharged from my DMT trip, and I still felt in a very positive mind state. I was very intrigued to know more about what I had just experienced (‘was that a breakthrough?’) and I decided that I would take another round of DMT. <br> <br> --- Second DMT experience <br> <br> I meditated for a while beforehand, and then loaded up 100mg of changa into the bong and managed to take it all in one hit. This is where it all went wrong. <br> <br> As I was doing a very long, slow, inhale, I was watching the cherry of the changa in the bowl of the bong glow red. I recall this red glow getting brighter and brighter and consuming more of my field of vision as I inhaled. This was already a more intense visual effect than I was usually used to when smoking changa, and I had a good idea that I was in for a heavy ride. I placed the bong down. <br> <br> The next memory I have is finding myself in a completely white room, again. There was just intense whiteness all over, with intricate patterns that looked vaguely like clocks floating through the air like ticker-tape. I immediately felt an intense panic and fear. Fear like I’ve never felt before. I had no idea who I was, where I was, or what was happening. <br> <br> Information was coming at me from all angles - the visuals were intense although I cannot remember the exact nature of them. My mind was totally overwhelmed, and I just wanted it to stop, but I was too confused to know even that I had taken DMT. I did not remember taking it. I could not form any thoughts or do anything other than be completely subject to the experience unfolding in front of me. <br> <br> The fear was absolutely overwhelming. It was the most intense emotion I’ve ever experienced. I was utterly terrified. I kept looking around, trying to find a way out of this white room, and at one point a door appeared, but then was snatched away from me when I got nearer to it. I turned around, looking for another door, which then disappeared again - this kept happening, as soon as I got close to a door, it vanished. Something was mocking me. I felt trapped. Someone had captured me. Had I gone insane? <br> <br> I eventually became familiar with the thought that I had taken DMT and I had broken through. This induced even more panic - I’d already been ‘trapped’ in this white room for far, far longer than a typical DMT experience lasts. I could’ve sworn that I had been trapped for many hours. <br> <br> I began to accept that I was trapped here forever. There was no way out. I’d sent myself into a psychosis. I was never going to come down. I started accepting that I would never see life again. I’d never see anyone I knew again. This was it. I was going to die here, in this horrible white room. The sheer horror of it all was unimaginable. I can still feel the panic now as I write this. I’ve never experienced anything like it, or even close to it. It was deeply traumatic. <br> <br> Eventually I became aware of my own body again, but was not allowed to move it, and I watched my perspective rapidly flip around my body, in 360 degrees of vision, with images of myself folding over on top of each other. <br> <br> My visual perspective was changing so fast that I could barely even register the changes. It was deeply disorientating, like spinning round very fast on a merry-go-round. First I’d be seeing out of my eyes, then I would be looking down on myself, then I would see several copies of myself side by side, as if I had grown several more pairs of eyes and could see through them all concurrently. At one point my ‘perspective’ flew down into my hand, and then back up out of my torso, stuck in a loop, spinning between different parts of my body like a washing machine. <br> <br> Eventually I was back in my body (but still confused, I didn’t know who ‘me’ was, yet) and I was subjected to a series of painful hallucinations of my teeth snapping in half. I quite literally felt them break off in my mouth, and I placed my fingers into my mouth and could feel that there were teeth missing. (Of course, my teeth were fine when I sobered up). <br> <br> Still in the white room, but now in my body, I sat down on the floor - admitting defeat. I would sit here until I died, however long that may be. I hoped it was soon, I had had enough. <br> <br> Eventually I started to feel like I was in a vaguely familiar place. Details slowly shifted in from the white light and I realised I was somewhere I knew and recognised. It took another minute or two before I realised who I was, and that I was sat in my living room, on the floor. <br> <br> Curiously, I had started the experience sitting on my sofa, and I have no idea how I came to be sat on my floor. Presumably I had moved around during the experience, but of course I have no memory of this. <br> <br> I sat there for almost 30 minutes without moving. The residual DMT effects felt like they took forever to wear off. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The residual DMT effects felt like they took forever to wear off.</div></div> I just wanted to be sober again. I felt like every visual was mocking me. I’d been humiliated by the substance. I wanted it gone, I wanted it out of my body. I wanted what had just happened to have never happened. I was broken. <br> <br> Writing this now, several hours later, I feel okay, but still deeply confused and quite shocked by what has happened to me. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I could handle it. Obviously, I was woefully underprepared. How can one prepare for such a thing? I have been 'training' for years to achieve ego death, and yet when I did, it was an awful, awful, awful experience. The worst I've ever had. <br> <br> I was absolutely floored by the power of the DMT experience. I had done, in my mind, absolutely everything I could to be ready for it, but it was not even close to enough.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115893</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 29</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Dec 6, 2021</td><td>Views: 2,309</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115893&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115893&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Changa (816) : Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 2:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrites/">Inhalants - Nitrites</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 4:49</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">60 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> LSD & MDMA, Cannabis, Tobacco, Poppers <br> <br> This report tells the story of my experience with the combination of LSD and MDMA (also known as “candy flipping” in the psychedelic community) on new year’s eve 2021. LSD blotter paper was tested using Ehrlich and Hofmann reagent, both giving a positive result. The dosage on the blotter paper is unknown to me, however I estimate it to be around 100-150 μg. MDMA crystals were tested using Marquis and Simon’s reagent, both giving a positive identification as well. A dose of 100 mg was weighed using a precision balance that is accurate up to 0,001 g. <br> <br> 17:20 - One hit of LSD blotter paper <br> 22:09 - 100 mg MDMA dissolved in tap water <br> Cannabis and tobacco consumption throughout the whole experience <br> <br> SOME BACKGROUND INFO <br> I am 21 years old and a third/fourth year biochemistry and biotechnology student. The past two years I have been experimenting with primarily psilocybin mushrooms, LSD and MDMA and studying the literature of psychedelic compounds and the psychedelic experience. I am aware that these compounds, when used in the correct “set and setting” and on a properly informed subject that is well prepared, can produce extremely profound changes in the way we perceive ourselves and our environment, often leading to experiences that are truly meaningful and leave the subject struck in awe, struggling to describe what happened with plain simple words. More importantly, these compounds, when used carefully and with proper thought, are tremendously valuable tools for studying the human psyche and gaining insights in one’s own persona, just as Alexander and Ann Shulgin suggested. Being aware of all this, my prior experience with psychedelics have generally been of a positive nature, and I have never had a truly horrifying experience that would keep me away from them. Prior to this experiment, I have used MDMA and LSD individually about 5-7 times respectively. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Prior to this experiment, I have used MDMA and LSD individually about 5-7 times respectively.</div></div> I started using psychedelics in low doses first and then had two very profound experiences with high doses of mushrooms (5g dried) in a dark, silent room on my own (inspired by McKenna). I am also a very frequent user of cannabis and have used it almost daily for the past year. I am not using any sort of medication or supplements. <br> <br> SET AND SETTING <br> This experiment would take place in the city of Antwerp, Belgium. Several long-term and close friends of mine live here as students and I am familiar with the dorms they occupy and the general environment of Antwerp. Besides this, a bunch of other less close friends and some people I never met before would also be present. This is what worried me most about the setting; people unfamiliar to me, not being aware of what I would be doing and probably thinking I’m crazy if they did. However, I trusted myself enough based on prior experience and general knowledge of these compounds and told myself to stay near my closer friends and try to avoid the rest. I had a rather restless night before, but apart from that I felt pretty good and was looking forward to seeing my friends again. The weather and the general atmosphere of the day seemed optimal as well. I had been planning this experiment for about a month and read quite extensively about other people’s experiences on online resources. I generally felt that I was well prepared. <br> <br> EXPERIENCE <br> (names are made up to protect the identity of those involved) <br> The consumption of one hit of LSD started at Malchior’s place. Close and long-term friends Tito, Elsas, Jeskir and Lulu were also present. Directly after ingesting the blotter paper we went outside and I smoked some cannabis with Elsas, which made me a little bit stoned already before the LSD would kick in. After about 40 minutes I wasn’t sure if I was starting to feel the LSD or if I was just really stoned from the cannabis I smoked. I employed the test of looking at the back of my hand, and noticed my veins and the skin over my knuckles slowly moving in a wave-like fashion and also being able to distinguish clear geometric patterns flowing underneath the skin. This is usually a good indication to me that the effects of LSD are becoming noticeable and that I am officially off baseline. <br> <br> Now a bunch of people (mostly friends I know, but don’t have that good of a connection with and weren’t aware of me having taken LSD) started coming into Malchior’s room and joining our gathering. I mostly sat still and tried to act as normal as possible while the effects would slowly unfold themselves. The next thing I noticed was an amplification of sound; everyone appeared to be talking very loud and the room was just filled with noise of people conversing with one another. I remained pretty quiet and was just observing everyone in the room. Looking at people’s faces, I noticed how their facial expressions would stand out way more than usual and different aspects of their faces became apparent while they were talking. This change in the perception of people’s faces is something I have experienced on LSD before and I found it quite remarkable and amusing, not particularly frightening. At one moment I also had this vague feeling of my body splitting up, and I could distinguish two separate parts in my body with some kind of entity awakening in me. One part just being neutral and observing all the social interactions, the other part my normal self? This was very strange and of short duration. I decided no to focus on this phenomenon too much, since the room was starting to get very crowded. Generally I didn’t interact with too many people unless forced to and tried learning something from analyzing and observing the interactions between people. I don’t recall learning anything valuable. <br> <br> The time is now approximately 19:10, 2 hours in, and we’re all planning to go to Nero’s apartment and have dinner with the whole group. At this point our group contains about 15 people. When everyone starts leaving, me, Malchior and Tito get the opportunity to try “poppers”; a small bottle filled with volatile alkyl nitrates that is sniffed and produces a very short high. The effects of the LSD were now clearly noticeable, but it was familiar to me and not too overwhelming or something I couldn’t handle. Tito and Malchior sniffed the bottle first and then passed it to me. Approximately 5 seconds after taking a hit, I experienced an explosion of colors and every person and object in my field of vision looked like it was radiating and charged with an immense amount of energy which quickly became overwhelmingly intense. I also sensed an increase of pressure around my eyes. This was quickly followed by an episode of extreme hilarity and uncontrollable laughter unlike anything I have experienced before. Me, Malchior and Tito were laughing so hard for no apparent reason at all and just looking at their faces made me laugh even harder, almost shedding some tears. This lasted about two to three minutes. I have rarely laughed this hard in my life and cherish this moment as one of the best of the evening. I was happy to have shared this moment with my good friends Malchior and Tito. We were now ready to start walking towards Nero’s apartment for dinner. <br> <br> On our way to Nero’s apartment, I was walking with Malchior and Tito, talking about what had just happened and still laughing about it. Then Malchior started talking to me about his recent trip to New York and the abstract art he encountered and enjoyed in the Guggenheim Museum. We had a pleasant conversation about it during the walk and nothing noticeably drug-induced happened. Once we arrived at Nero’s place, Malchior started showing me the pictures of the art we were talking about, mainly by the artist Wassily Kandinsky. This is where the visual effects of the LSD started peaking. Looking at the pictures on his phone, I frequently noticed my vision changing focus like you would expect a camera lens doing. This would often change the nature of the painting I was looking at and offer me a new way of interpreting it. The colors were vibrant and the pictures all seemed to come alive and appeared rather dynamic. All the paintings intrigued me and I wondered about how this Kandinsky guy could produce such art and where it came from in his mind. In retrospect, I was grateful that Malchior was occupying me with these pictures, so I wouldn’t have to be interacting with all the people in the apartment. <br> <br> Dinner was being served and everyone started taking place at the table. I was becoming worried and slightly paranoid about where I should sit, considering I would almost certainly be seated next to some people that I wasn’t all that comfortable with and it would force me to have normal conversations about superficial bullshit. Me and Malchior eventually decided to take place next to Tommy and Fiona (boyfriend and girlfriend), a decision I would slightly regret later. Everyone at our table was eating takeaway Chinese food which we all paid for together, except for Tommy and Fiona. Tommy and Fiona didn’t think Chinese food to be “festive” enough and so only the two of them were preparing teppanyaki. This was just (excuse my language) fucking weird and I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just eat the Chinese food like the rest of us. Anyway, I avoided talking to them most of the time while being weirded out by their choice of food, which the LSD only amplified. Me and Malchior were mostly trying to occupy each other during dinner. Tito had a very comical appearance sitting in a low camping chair at the table and looked like a small child seated amongst the adults. Me and Malchior were laughing about this throughout dinner. <br> <br> After dinner I decided to go and smoke a cigarette outside, Jeskir, Elsas and Malchior joined me. At this moment I was in a rather melancholic and indecisive mood, not knowing if I really wanted to go back to the crowded apartment and be with all these people that weren’t aware of my LSD experiment. Eventually me and Elsas decided to smoke a joint and go for a walk around the city. I was just having a pleasant conversation with him, not really paying attention to my current state of being. We eventually arrived at where we wanted to go, which was at a docking site for boats in the city. This is where I had some awe-inducing visuals as well. The city was all lit up and when I looked at the large body of water in front us, where all the boats were docked, I was amazed at how the water was flowing and reflecting the lights of the buildings. I could distinguish with exceptional accuracy the constantly fluctuating waves in the water and was struck by its pure beauty and fluid dynamics. My friend Elsas agreed that it looked very pretty and enjoyed it as well. Although I doubt he perceived it the same way I did, I was still happy to share the moment with him and just being there instead of the crowded apartment which made me feel uncomfortable. I think we were gone for about 45 minutes before we would decide to join the rest of the group again at the apartment. <br> <br> We stayed at the apartment a bit longer and then all decided to go to Tito’s place and start partying, finally. We passed Malchior’s place first, where I would decide to ingest the 100 mg of MDMA. I went to the toilet, filled a quarter cup of water and dissolved the MDMA in the cup. While I was doing this, my friend Nero, who isn’t really a fan of doing “hard drugs”, walked into the toilet and saw me dissolving the powder in the cup and drinking it. As soon as Nero walked in, I was scared and had this feeling of being caught by your parents doing something you’re not allowed to. In retrospect Nero probably didn’t care because he was drunk. At this point it was 22:09, about 5 hours after ingesting the LSD. <br> <br> We all walked to Tito’s place, which is about a 10 min walk. I felt the MDMA coming up pretty quickly during the walk. When we arrived at Tito’s place and turned on the music I was suddenly struck by a burst of unimaginable euphoria and ecstasy. I felt like dancing and partying all night and was extremely energized and excited for everything that was yet to come this night. I knew I was in for a ride. We danced for a bit in the basement, but not everyone was joining. Me, Elsas, Malchior and Lulu decided to go to Lulu’s dorm, since I hadn’t seen his new room yet and mentioned earlier in the evening we should visit it sometime during the night. At this moment I couldn’t give two shits about what I or anyone else wanted to do; waves of euphoria were engulfing me like never before and simply existing was the most satisfying thing one could do. I knew what MDMA felt like, but this was a whole other level. The synergistic effect between LSD and MDMA made normal MDMA look like a beer. I remember thinking why I would ever want to orgasm again if I can experience this state of being. <br> <br> We arrived at Lulu’s room and it was the most beautiful room I had ever seen. Lulu had lots of plants which intrigued me and were very pretty to look at, the room had an overall pleasant aesthetic and was charmingly decorated. I felt tremendously happy for my friend Lulu living here and I expressed my gratitude to him for showing me this room multiple times. The state I was in was truly indescribable and I was overwhelmed by it. I was so appalled by how much I enjoyed merely existing in this space that I decided to smoke the big ass joint I had rolled earlier in the day. This was no doubt one of the best joints I had ever smoked, and I shared it with my good friend Elsas. I was extremely grateful for everything and everyone. Just the four of us in this room, a whole night ahead of us, me and Elsas smoking a joint, Lulu and Malchior coming up on MDMA as well and dancing. I could not have asked for anything more in that moment. But it wasn’t all “rose-scent and moonshine”, as they say in Dutch. <br> <br> When we arrived back at Tito’s place, Tito himself and the girl he had been dating for the past two weeks, Yaninator, were standing in the doorway. I had never met Yaninator before and this would be the first time. I wanted to make a good impression but when we arrived I just couldn’t think of anything to say and I suddenly started feeling very self-aware and strange. I just walked past them without saying anything and went to the basement, reminding myself of how I wanted to dance earlier. Only to then find myself in the basement with shitty music and people that were obviously not on the same level as I was and I felt extremely uncomfortable and watched by everyone. At the same time I was stressing out over the encounter I just had with Tito and Yaninator; afraid that I had made a bad impression, that I looked like some junkie to Yaninator and she would think badly of Tito’s environment, which would then be my fault. This killed my entire mood and suddenly I wasn’t so sure any more about all the drugs I ingested. I was confronted with how quickly things can turn really dark on LSD. <br> <br> Luckily my friend Elsas came to the rescue and I told him how I felt. He assured me not to worry about the encounter with Yaninator and Tito, and I felt comfortable again being in the vicinity of a close friend, God bless you Elsas. In retrospect, this was all due to the fact that there were people present who weren’t really into drugs beside alcohol and maybe cigarettes (I knew this beforehand). When I would find myself around these people, I couldn’t help but feel ashamed of myself for doing what I was doing and I would feel held back by them, not being able to express what I wanted to express. And with this much raw burning energy inside me I greatly felt the need to express myself. Maybe I also felt a bit sad for them, or guilty, for them not even being aware of what states of mind one can achieve using these compounds. This feeling of suddenly becoming aware of the people around me, thinking they were judging me for being some weird drug addict, often sent me in a spiral of negative thoughts and emotions throughout the rest of the night. Eventually I just learned how to deal with it somehow I guess. <br> <br> The next thing I recall is me standing in the basement and everyone being ready for the countdown of the New Year. When the clock hit 00:00, everyone was so freaking hyped and started congratulating each other and wishing each other a happy new year. It felt like I was swimming in a sea of affection and I deeply enjoyed hugging everyone and telling my close friends why I love them, what I like about them, what makes them unique, and telling them there’s a another great year of friendship ahead of us. <br> <br> We went back upstairs, outdoors, and this is where I was confronted with an extraordinary sighting. The whole street in front of Tito’s building was filled with cars stuck in an enormous traffic jam. People were honking like crazy, getting out of their cars, blasting fireworks on the street, wishing each other a happy new year... It felt like everyone in the city had just collectively decided to not give any fucks anymore about anything or anyone, and this shared celebratory state with my fellow human beings catapulted me in a dancing frenzy the likes of which I had never experienced before. I started dancing on the street with my friends, dancing on cars, honking people’s horns, talking to strangers… Never in my life have I experienced such liberation. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I started dancing on the street with my friends, dancing on cars, honking people’s horns, talking to strangers… Never in my life have I experienced such liberation.</div></div> I am generally a very shy person and always afraid to interact with other people, always worrying what they will think of me, always trying not to stand out and lay low in the background. This, to my mind, shows the true, raw power of these compounds. Never in my life would I have dared to expose myself this much to this many people, dancing like there was no tomorrow, people cheering… I was riding a wave of energy caused by the collective state of joy and celebration of mankind. I felt grateful for every living thing on this planet. All this because we made a single rotation around the Sun. What strange species we are. <br> <br> Throughout the rest of the night I enjoyed just being out on the street, observing and taking in the scenery of the cars, the people, the joy… While doing this, I was struck by one of the most unlikely coincidences. I was smoking a cigarette and threw it on the ground, when my friend pointed out to me that the cigarette had fallen perfectly balanced on its butt. I could not fathom this. What are the odds of this ever happening? What are the odds of this happening on New Year’s Eve? What are the odds of this happening on New Year’s Eve while candy flipping? I could not help but interpret this as some kind of sign of a higher power, an omen of good luck… <br> <br> During the comedown phase I was in a rather introspective and quiet mood, trying to process what I had just been through. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone and just wanted to be on my own. The rest of the night was spent smoking joints and cigarettes with my friends until about 6:00. Sitting at Malchior’s place, quiet stoned, I noticed how I could actually see conversations taking place in the form of sound frequencies and amplitudes when I closed my eyes. This was quite amusing. When I went to sleep in Malchior’s bed, after smoking one last joint, some of our friends kept playing music and partying downstairs. I was laying in the bed and when I closed my eyes I could again see, visually, the sounds of the music, now being displayed to me via a show of color sequences. Lastly, I felt like my body was morphing and transforming into some sort of a cocoon/pupa in the bed and I could spend an eternity in this hibernating state. After some hours laying in the bed, enjoying the music and contemplating, I finally fell asleep. <br> <br> I woke up the next day pretty early, only having slept for a couple hours. I had a light headache and had an overall sense of blurriness/worthlessness throughout the day, not really feeling like doing anything. <br> <br> INTEGRATION <br> I think the most valuable thing I learned from this experience is when I was dancing on the street and briefly experiencing how it felt to not care what anyone thought of me. I was so moved by this after it happened that I made a mental note to myself that I should care less what people think of me in general as well. When one wants to achieve or do something (say dance), but always has the thought in the back of his mind how other people are perceiving him, and what they are thinking about him, one is not fully focused on the task at hand, and will ultimately fail at it or at least not give it his all. Even when I am doing things on my own, I often think about how I’m going to have to communicate it to other people so that I look good in their eyes. For example: I’m reading a book and I read something that strikes me, say some philosophical idea. Instantly I start imagining conversations and scenarios with other people how I’m explaining these ideas to them so that they will appreciate me and think I’m a ‘’cool” or ‘’intelligent” guy or something. Constantly pondering about how to prevent not being liked by my peers. This might come from an overall fear that people will not accept me for who I am or something. I’m finding it difficult to describe this. This is something very personal to me and I’ve thought about it quite a lot in the past, how I’m always worrying over how other people see me. Anyway, I felt so liberated in that moment that I also decided right after to write this report because it seemed so significant to me. <br> <br> Looking back at the overall experience, I don’t think taking LSD in this sort of setting was a good idea and I probably wouldn’t do it again. The environment was way too “formal” and it felt awkward being the only one on LSD during a gathering of friends. Most of the people were not aware of my drug-induced state and I constantly felt like I should act “normal” in front of them. Culture is indeed always the third guest at the table. Although, I did have some moments I cherish during the LSD-phase, like sniffing poppers and going for a walk with my close friends. I would repeat this experiment in a more friendly, tranquil and natural environment, with only a couple of close friends. I would be way more comfortable and feel like the full potential of this combination would come to light then. Generally, the whole night was just a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings of extreme euphoria, alternated with dips of feeling awkward and isolated from the rest. Especially after ingesting the MDMA. Probably the consumption of cannabis facilitated and amplified these feelings of paranoia and feeling like a misfit, which wasn’t pleasant at all. <br> <br> This is also the first time I’m writing a formal report after a psychedelic experience, and I feel like it’s something I should have started doing way earlier. I find it’s one of the best ways to integrate the experience in my life and I’m planning on keeping a diary of all my psychedelic experiments now. There truly is something magical about these compounds and I feel like devoting my entire life just trying to figure out what it all means. Lastly, I would like to mention that if anyone is thinking about trying this combination of drugs, one should think very carefully about it. The states of euphoria one can reach are simply unimaginable and will make one question if anything is even worth pursuing at all in ordinary life. The days after this experience, writing this report, are often filled with wanting and craving to be back in those moments of ecstasy, completely being in the moment and not having a single worry. <br> <br> <!-- That’s it for me, I hope you liked reading my report and learned something from it. Don’t forget to laugh, smile and enjoy life :))--><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116035</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jan 26, 2022</td><td>Views: 1,708</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116035&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116035&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Large Group (10+) (19), Combinations (3)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">300 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/bupropion/">Pharms - Bupropion</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 8:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">300 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dxm/">DXM</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 8:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">couple hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 22:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">300 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dxm/">DXM</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 24:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 24:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">300 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dxm/">DXM</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">85 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Timeline: <br> T-08:00 Bupropion 300mg <br> T-04:00 Grapefruit Juice ~350mL <br> T+00:00 DXM (freebase) 480mg <br> T+00:30 Cannabis, smoked (small amount) <br> T+14:00 Bupropion 300mg <br> T+16:00 LSD 1 tab ~100ug <br> T+16:30 Bupropion 300mg (oops) <br> <br> I’m going to tell you about the greatest experience of my life. This was my first trip on LSDXM. I’m experienced with DXM in all its forms at doses as high as 1200mg (HBr) and with LSD up to about 200ug. I built up to this trip for a long time and felt I was prepared for it.<!-- I highly reccomend this combo to anyone who likes DXM and LSD and is experienced with both substances. This is an intense experience and you have to be prepared for it.--> <br> <br> Personal details, I am 31, 85kg, trans woman, Autistic and dissociative identity disorder. I’ve listed one of my normal medications along with recreational substances because it is a potentiator of DXM. Other medications I take are estradiol, spironolactone, and progesterone, these have no effect on drugs except for lowering my tolerance to substances. <br> <br> The setting for the whole experience was in my own house, alone with our partner system. I started with a DXM trip up to one of my favorite places, the borderline between the 2nd and 3rd plateaus. This phase of the trip was alone, with my partner system sober but nearby. I dosed at 8pm on 16 little RoboCough tablets, potentiated by a glass of grapefruit juice four hours earlier, and my antidepressant Bupropion which always intensifies DXM for me. I managed to not throw up this time, I got a little nauseous and was able to control it with candied ginger and a little weed. It took about an hour to start to come up. <br> <br> The interesting thing about being a plural system on hallucinogens is how they affect my system. I went in with one alter in front, a few others present. On DXM I always lose my grasp on who is in front as I lose all sense of identity and self and become a passive observer of the Dextroverse. So we became unable to tell who we were and functioned as one being. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">So we became unable to tell who we were and functioned as one being. </div></div> <br> <br> It was pretty typical, I got lost in music for a few long hours, I had a few nice dissociative scenarios and closed eye visuals, got the wonderful DXM body high, and lost my sense of touch and taste and proprioception, the usual. <br> <br> A DXM trip is to swim through the middle of a sea of chaos and order. I can focus on anything and whatever it is will become more and more complex the more I dissociate. What I see is not profound, it’s silly, it’s absurd, cartoonish, I see no value or importance in any of it, it simply is a thing I experience. <br> <br> DXM turns my brain’s pattern finding ability way up, it will try to interpret order where there is chaos. Close my eyes and my brain won’t accept looking at nothing, it will make something for me to look at. My trips to this beautiful meaningless universe are all guided by music. Each song is a world of its own, with a story to tell. <br> <br> I managed to eat one slice of tasteless pizza while high. I went to bed at 4am, in the middle of my slow comedown. I never get much sleep while tripping, and I woke up around 10am, still feeling like I’m on the lower 1st plateau. I take a long time to come down from this drug. When I woke up I took my bupropion, like I usually do, but I didn’t eat anything because I was going to dose on LSD soon. This threw me off a little on my routine which led to a mistake. <br> <br> We switched back to the same alter who was in front at the beginning of the last night’s trip, but we were still a little blurry and uncertain. <br> <br> I took my tab of acid at noon. Shortly after, I ate some frozen waffles, and went to take my daily spironolactone after eating, before I could come up and forget about it. Because it’s my usual routine to eat, then take my bupropion and spironolactone, and I was on LSD and DXM at that point, I forgot I already took my bupropion and redosed on it. I realized immediately after that I did that, I’d taken 600mg of a drug that potentiates DXM, oops. It was fine, though, I was a little worried but I told myself it would be fine, it’s still within the medicinal range of the drug. <br> <br> My partner system took two tabs of the acid. They came up quickly, I was lagging behind, wondering if this was going to work or if I waited too long in between. I put a playlist together and started it while waiting. <br> <br> When my partner and I trip we like to look at my desktop background which is a slideshow of images of planets and moons in our solar system. We did that for a while and I started to get minor visual distortions. The music sounded *very* good like it does on DXM. Even though I had mostly come down from DXM, it was like as the acid came up it reignited the DXM trip and I could feel some of its effects again. <br> <br> When I was clearly coming up I put on a youtube video of a few hours of fractals, another thing we like to watch on a trip. It’s good on LSD alone but on LSDXM it was really blowing my mind and it was overwhelming, I had to look away from it a lot. <br> <br> For some reason my partner got sick and threw up. Luckily I was cognizant enough to realize it and help them. Neither of us have ever seen this happen from LSD, and we took the same acid and ate the same food, don’t know what caused that. They were overstimulated by the music but I needed music because I was tripping on DXM, so I switched to headphones. <br> <br> When we trip on acid together we always end up having sex, and we did, but it was a challenging and confusing experience to my LSDXM self. I had my sense of touch back somewhat. I tried my best but I kept dissociating and forgetting what I was doing. I also was worried a lot because I felt we were not communicating at all, like we were in different worlds barely able to reach each other, with me on LSDXM and them on LSD alone, so I kept making sure what I was doing was okay. It all didn’t work very well. It’s impressive I could have sex on a dissociative trip at all, though. We just cuddled the rest of the night. <br> <br> We sat wrapped up in a blanket together and went back to watching pictures of planets and moons and listening to music together. This was where it got really good for me. I was experiencing extreme short term memory suppression, to the extent that I couldn’t even say a short sentence without losing the beginning of it and not knowing what I was trying to say. We had the strangest most disjointed conversation that I barely remember the details of. <br> <br> The visuals here became *incredible.* There was color shifting making everything iridescent, there was image slicing, there were fractals in everything. It was the best of both worlds from the DXM and LSD visuals. I saw the full moon reflected in the surface of a pond on an image of Jupiter. Later in the same image I saw a cave with pillars rising out of a deep pit. Even images without many features or complexity would become something incredible. <br> <br> The longer I looked at a picture the more I would dissociate into it and get completely lost in its world. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The longer I looked at a picture the more I would dissociate into it and get completely lost in its world.</div></div> And what’s more was once the image had become alive with its DXM chaos, I could look away and look back and it would still look the way I had hallucinated it. Not constantly shifting and changing like LSD, but static and slowly morphing like DXM. <br> <br> It looked much like I might have expected, LSD visual distortions superimposed over DXM hallucinations. It was like the way DXM creates closed eye visuals was happening on real objects and surfaces if I looked long enough and dissociated. The music was so good, better than it had ever sounded before. <br> <br> Time distortion became intense, each song was feeling like hours. I could tell the passage of time by the changing images and songs. I continually had the strangest sensation that I was experiencing the song a few seconds in the future. Either I knew these albums well enough that my brain probably was anticipating the next notes, or my sensory processing was a little delayed from my sensory perception, but I really felt like I was sliding between the present and the future. <br> <br> I would start to have some kind of profound LSD brain realizations about some grand cosmic truth to the universe but then my DXM brain would catch me and remind me that it’s meaningless, just look at the pretty pictures. The general theme of this experience was that of being on a dissociative trip but watching the trip itself from a detached distance, being on a psychedelic trip and looking at it from the outside in. It felt just the same but from a different perspective, the trip from 3rd person instead of 1st person. That was what we kept coming back around to, a matter of perspective. <br> <br> Being on a DXM trip makes me a resident of the dextroverse, caught up in its chaotic machinations. LSDXM lets me observe the dextroverse from above and see the bigger picture of all its moving parts. LSDXM made me the goddess of my dextroverse. People universally say they feel like a god on LSDXM, and I understood what they meant. I was outside my universe looking in. LSD makes me feel connected to everyone and everything, it makes me see connections between everything and think that everything is one. DXM makes me disconnected from everything else. Combined, I was a goddess who could stand back and look upon a beautifully interconnected world without living in it. I could hold the world in my hand and watch it spin. <br> <br> I’ve never been so aware of my surroundings and my body during a trip on either DXM or LSD alone. Usually my universe closes in, until only my immediate surroundings are real to me. This time I was aware that the outside world existed and that I was looking at an inner world. <br> <br> On LSD, if we go through ego death all of my alters’ egos will collapse and reform, and in between we are one being with no identity, able to think but not to know. On DXM, ego death is the complete loss of self, reduced to merely a perspective, not even a being, somehow able to know but not to think. This was an entirely new experience. <br> <br> I felt like I had a meta-awareness of the trip. I could notice the processes of each of the drugs, I would catch my LSD brain trying to come up with something grand and profound and I would catch my DXM brain trying to step back and just observe. What I was left with in between was beauty like I have never witnessed before. The visuals and the music were so overwhelmingly beautiful I was completely in awe, trying to put to words what I was experiencing. <br> <br> We were coming down, slowly. My system was present, but I realized I was functioning as the whole system collectively. We were not blended together, but rather my identity was a meta-consciousness of us all collectively. There we were, goddess of our inner universe, observing its grandeur. We listened to one of my favorite albums and I delved so deep into it, I existed in between every note and truly understood it on a level I never did before. And at the same time I knew that understanding was meaningless, it was only beautiful music. I also had the recurring feeling that I had been there before in that headspace, even though it was my first time on this combination of drugs, it felt so familiar. <br> <br> This slow comedown was the most wonderful experience of my life. It took hours longer before I regained enough short term memory to functionally carry on a conversation. I was able to get up and go to the bathroom, and I was back to robo-walking even 24 hours after dosing on DXM because the LSD had brought its effects back somehow. When I came down more I was light and floaty, that wonderful DXM feeling. <br> <br> At the end of a beautiful album that ended with a long ambient piece I felt it was the time to stop the music. The silence was beautiful too. It was raining. It had gotten dark long ago and we had only the light of the TV screen. We turned on the lights and it was very nice and warm and cozy to be there in that room. <br> <br> I ate some pizza and it tasted so good, so wonderful. I sat there with my partner just completely in love and blissed out. They had come down sooner than me, I took a long time. But we were both still pretty fucked up, and we decided to start up the Switch and play Smash while we were so fucked up. We were both so terrible, and it was so much fun. I was so happy, so overwhelmingly happy I was crying, I was having so much fun I didn’t want the night to ever end, it was a state of pure indescribable joy. <br> <br> Eventually I came down enough that I was recognizably a single alter and not the collective being, the same one we were when we started. <br> <br> When we eventually went to bed after 4am, I could still see closed eye visuals in the darkness. They would form patterns like DXM CEVs do, then turn into beautiful fractals, and slowly become a solid geometric object made of that substance. I was experiencing auditory hallucinations, the white noise of the air filter was turning into sounds kind of like the game we were playing, it was so interesting. We held each other and I watched the pretty fractals until I fell asleep. <br> <br> The next morning was wonderful, the best afterglow of my life, stacked up DXM and LSD afterglow. I woke up a different alter. It had snowed overnight and the outside world was so beautiful. Everything was wonderful. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was beautiful too. I was someone who has a lot of gender dysphoria and self confidence issues, and there that day I had none of it and I could finally see the beautiful woman I have become. <br> <br> I had learned from this trip that the universe is beautiful, and so am I.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115173</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 31</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 28, 2022</td><td>Views: 3,479</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115173&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115173&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1), DXM (22), Pharms - Bupropion (87) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), Music Discussion (22), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">113 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I had taken acid with my partner a half dozen times before this particular trip, and my experiences had always been pleasant with rather gentle psychedelic effects. We would listen to music or watch a film or just hang out together. But this particular time was completely different, completely unexpected, and changed my life in ways I am still trying to comprehend. <br> <br> My partner and I had booked a 90 minute session at a “float” place for this particular evening, and we decided it would be fun to trip while floating. It was our first float. (For those who don't know, the float experience involves submerging yourself naked in a tank of warm salt water. You can have lights on or be in total darkness. Some find it very relaxing or meditative.) We ingested the acid at our home about an hour before our appointment, both of us feeling positive and looking forward to this new experience. We think the dosage was the same for both of us. For my partner, the acid kicked in almost immediately. For me, it took about an hour (this is typical). <br> <br> During the float, I felt male and female energy both rushing through me. An image of a middle-aged woman with long, curly gray hair kept manifesting in my mind. When I got out of the tank, I looked in the mirror (always an interesting thing to do while tripping) and watched my face rippling from male to female and back. <br> <br> This was just the beginning. <br> <br> The float over, my partner and I decided to get something to eat. We walked a short distance to an Asian café and ordered soup and rice, and were generally acting pretty silly and giggly, but more or less in control. My partner paid for the food and we left. <br> <br> At this point my memory of real-time events dissolves. <br> <br> I was in a “cosmic café.” I don't know how to explain this, but my consciousness was “splintered” into many different awarenesses. I was still “me,” but somehow I also was everyone else at the same time, and everything was happening all at once; there was no time, only an eternal Now. I felt that this was ultimate reality, which had always existed and always will, I just hadn't been able to experience it until now, until the LSD unlocked or opened something in my mind. I knew my partner was beside me, but in a way, there was no difference between he and I. I could feel his earthly desires – a distraction from spiritual reality– and his fears as my own – as anyone's. <br> <br> I heard voices all around me, speaking in many languages that did not sound “foreign” – but there was no sense of confusion, only harmony. <br> <br> I looked at the faces around me in this “café.” They shimmered with change, with beautiful symbols and colors; they changed constantly from one ethnicity to another, from male to female, and there was a harmony in all the changes. Nothing remained constant and yet it all seemed natural. Sometimes I heard chimes, as though something was trying to get my attention or calling me to focus. <br> <br> I had a feeling of being welcomed: “Now you see how it is!” A feeling of being lovingly encouraged, guided through this new reality which I had been blind to until now. <br> <br> The voices I heard were always saying things that related directly to my experience. Unfortunately I can't remember much of what I heard, but I do remember someone saying “It's disorienting at first.” I remember my partner eating greedily, frantically, and saying “I feel like there's a hole inside me.” I realized that although I had always seen myself as a hedonist, one who distracts themselves with worldly pleasures to avoid feeling pain, my partner was just the same. I saw him as an old man who would one day die and decompose, but he was also a sort of “acid trickster” who had “been there” many times before. He too was welcoming and grinning. I wasn't sad at the thought of him dying because I knew he had always existed and always would in some way. <br> <br> Later, I know that I ascended even higher and glimpsed vast unfolding complexities, which I can only describe as branching out further and further, revealing a higher wisdom. Even as I type this I know it sounds like a lot of trite New Age nonsense. As I descended back to my “self” I knew that I would forget it all. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">As I descended back to my “self” I knew that I would forget it all.</div></div> <br> <br> I saw and felt that the universe is forever in a grand cycle, like planets eternally rotating, and that fear, love, disgust, anger, compassion are always “floating” through the universe and through all of us as part of the human experience. Those of us who are pulled into fear or hate or negativity must repeat life until they return into harmony with the great reality. I felt sad about this, about all of the suffering that humans experience as they repeat lifetimes over and over. I asked repeatedly “WHY” there has to be fear and negativity at all – the answer was simply “This is how it is, and always has been and always will be.” <br> <br> There was a point when I realized, or was shown, that anything is possible, there are no limits. I was holding onto my rational/logical mind and knew I could let it go, and for a second I experienced this, and since rationality or sanity is what anchors us in reality, it was very frightening. I could let go of my perceived orientation in space and it wouldn't matter. At this point I realized we had been walking down the street, because I fell down and bumped my head slightly. A very kind woman came over to help me to my feet. I remember she was Asian and wore a jade bracelet that burned with light. She asked if I needed help and I whispered no, and thanked her several times. <br> <br> Such kindness was shown to me that night! <br> <br> I began to move toward Ultimate Reality; I wanted to become one with it. I could have completely merged with the Infinite. I felt myself beginning to, but a part of me wanted to return to an individual life... A beautiful, ugly, hard, limited-awareness, painful life, where I would be best able to love and to practice compassion. Then things began coming into focus. I could smell the harsh artificial odors of city streets, and air freshener or perfume. I felt cold. I knew I was in a car, with a seat belt on – I did not like feeling restrained by the seat belt – and my partner was in the back seat, very concerned about me. I was holding onto nausea. Something told me to let it go, and I threw up. I was still afraid of something, still holding onto something, unwilling to let go. But I let myself come back down to earth, I let the amnesia take over. I felt very cold and heavy and wobbly. The driver, bless her, was so kind to me even though I had just been sick in her car. She took me by the hands and guided me toward our apartment very slowly and gently. I looked into her face. She appeared to be a sort of bird-woman hybrid, maybe part owl or part hawk, and she was infinitely loving and wise. I think I embraced her and felt my hands melt into her. I remember coming into the apartment and our little dog trotting out to greet us, all anxious and happy as always. My partner got me to sit down and took my shoes off with some difficulty. Then I got undressed and went into the bathroom. It was over. <br> <br> I want to note that my partner's experience was extremely different. Later he told me that he could see I was way “out there,” and he was afraid for me when I fell down and when I got sick. He was much more in control of himself than I was. <br> <br> Since that night, my life hasn't been the same. I am consumed with a newly awakened hunger for spiritual knowledge. I have been reading Hindu and Buddhist teachings; they resonate for me. When I see people, I imagine we are all “splinters” of a great unity. There is no real separation between us. <br> <br> I was never really afraid of death before, but now I am reassured that there is nothing at all to fear. All of us emerged from the great unity, and we all return to it. <br> <br> And I have been grappling with new ideas, particularly the profound concept of consciousness. I realize now that consciousness is not limited to our brains. It is a shared reality, perhaps an energy field (again, sounding New Age-y). The most mind-blowing idea of all is, what if the universe itself is conscious??! What if it is alive in a way we can hardly conceive of? <br> <br> Is this what people mean when they speak of God?<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116558</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 54</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Sep 27, 2022</td><td>Views: 834</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116558&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116558&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Floatation Tank (369), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">155 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 4:15</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">110 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 5:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">55 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 5:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 glasses</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 8:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 glass</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">79 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> <!-- *cross-posted from Bluelight* <br/> <br/> -->Preface: <br> <br> This experience took place two days ago after having spent one night in our rented apartment in Ohrid, North Macedonia. My girlfriend and I are currently on vacation here because it’s a cheap and beautiful country that we haven’t heard much about. <br> I recently had a huge biology exam and wanted to retreat for a few days before university starts again in a week. Away from home, away from all the responsibilities and time for ourselves. So that‘s what we did. <br> <br> —————————————————————— <br> Background information: <br> <br> - gender: male <br> - age: 25 <br> - weight: 79 kg <br> - setting: the garden of our AirBnb in Ohrid, North Macedonia <br> - set: somehow I‘m more nervous than I usually am before tripping! My thoughts are filled with possible negative outcomes of the trip. I talk to my girlfriend about it, she notes similar things but we still decide to proceed. <br> - tolerance: none, I haven‘t taken a psychedelic in about a month. <br> <br> The LSD tartrate was gifted to me by a friend who obtained it from a reputable vendor a while back and who has indulged in this exact batch multiple times before. The blotter art is very famous so I won’t mention the name of it, but some of you can probably guess what tabs I’m talking about because of the specific dosage number. <br> <br> The MDMA was obtained years ago and the crystals have a slight gray tint to them. It was tested by a drug-checking facility in my home country and verified to be 99.8% pure MDMA HCl. <br> <br> As a side-note, I am familiar with LSD as well as MDMA, but this was the first time I have combined them at full doses. I normally write trip-reports on unusual compounds but this experience was so significant and special that I had an urge to put it into words. So this report is going to be different than the others. <br> <br> The time stamps are estimates and not accurate to the minute <br> <br> LSD (155µg, sublingual) + MDMA (165mg, oral) + alcohol / Trip Report: <br> <br> T:00:00: <br> It’s 11:20 AM, I place this beautiful blotter under my tongue, so does my girlfriend. It tastes like absolutely nothing, as it shouldn‘t. <br> <br> T:00:25: (+) <br> Definite first alerts, I am feeling quite wavy already. My body however is a bit tense and jittery, soft electrical impulses can be felt in the extremities furthest from my heart. That’s probably the slow manifestation of vasoconstriction. <br> <br> My girlfriend starts giggling. She remarks that her little feet remind her of paws. Her trip seems to be developing even faster than mine. Faint visuals start to appear, colors are brightening, everything starts to look richer and more interesting. Chew and swallow the blotter. <br> <br> T:00:45: (++) <br> The intensity is picking up fast, visuals and headspace are very apparent now. My thoughts are disorganized and I already lose track of time. My stomach is a bit unsure what to do with this foreign molecule dancing around in my gut. It’s a little unsettling, slightly nauseating. <br> <br> My girlfriend lets off another funny remark, she notes that the mountains already look like broccoli and that I should prepare myself for what‘s about to come. I thank her for the valuable information. The clouds are moving fast and morph into weird figures while their edges take on a rainbow colored hue. The blue sky and the neighboring house look like they are in the same vertical plane, which makes absolutely no sense. Looking up at the sky makes me dizzy. <br> <br> T:01:10: (+++) <br> Oh my god, the view over lake Ohrid is gorgeous! This is surreal, I am so blessed to be here. The sun and the weather are fantastic too. The wall of the house beside ours is richly ornamented with carved out rocks and they are moving from left to right. A delightful sight, I‘m excited to see where this is going. The effects are still ramping up rapidly. <br> <br> T:02:00: (+++(+)) <br> Sounds, smells, the light, everything becomes a bit annoying, so I decide to move inside. I lay down on our bed and fully engulf in the closed eye visuals. At this point I am full on peaking, this is so much more intense than the last 150µg acid trip I‘ve had. It doesn’t really matter if my eyes are open or not, everything is covered in fractals and mathematical patterns. This is spectacular. After a couple of minutes I notice that my sense of self starts to dissolve. There was no fear, only curiousity and a feeling of “this is the right direction”. I don’t want to do this alone, I call my girlfriend and she quickly comes over to join me. We lay down in bed, cuddle up and suddenly, we merge. My thoughts vanish, I can literally see and feel them moving away from my head and wander into my girlfriend's head. I can’t believe what is happening right now! This is absolutely glorious. I repeatedly babble "this is unbelievable”. I am so incredibly euphoric and full of love. The synaesthesia is so strong that I think about throwing up. I don’t, but this is insane. Somehow, this feels like the most profound trip I’ve had... Is that it? Is that the notorious +4 experience that I always wanted to have? <br> <br> This goes on for quite some time until we return to a relaxing and content mind state and a feeling of magnificent warmth and security. I fantasize about having sex with my girlfriend but the idea of inserting a penis into a vagina seems like a ridiculous idea. No way in hell I could pull this off, I can’t even speak properly. <br> <br> T:03:30: (+++) <br> It seems that the peak is settling down a bit but I‘m still really confused and the effects keep going strong. I am trying to eat a grilled cheese sandwich, but it doesn’t agree with me at all. I am trying but the taste of cheese and the dry toast are a bit much. I give up and switch to fruit. Banana and oranges are way easier to swallow. The acidity of the latter is very enjoyable. <br> <br> My girlfriend and I are trying to talk about deep, personal stuff, but it’s more difficult to bring a point across than it is on phenethylamine psychedelics like the DOx family or mescaline, a reason why I like them so much. Anyway, LSD still feels like the perfect drug for me. The duration, the visual effects, the bodily effects, the headspace. A perfect hybridization of everything I want from a psychedelic. I have thought about this so many times before but I still find it mindblowing that such a tiny amount of LSD perfectly fits into our serotonin receptors and induces these magical effects. It‘s almost like it was designed to be ingested by humans. <br> <br> I am overwhelmed by gratitude and gratefulness. I am so happy with where I‘m currently at in life. My girlfriend, my family, my acedemical pathway and in general with who I am. That’s a huge revelation for me, because this is something I have been struggling with a lot in the past few years. However, I have been actively working on this issue with therapy and positive affirmations. I have to give credit to the one DOM experience I had last November that served as the catalyst for this change. During the peak of that trip I broke down crying for what felt like forever and it made clear that I had to take this problem seriously, which I did. This experience highlights the progress I’ve made and I’m so happy with it. <br> <br> T:04:15: (++(+)) <br> My girlfriend and I actually planned to candy flip today but as the experience was so intense up until now we are hesitant. Should we do it? Maybe it’s best not to think about what could happen. Whatever, I grab my pre-weighed MDMA capsule and dissolve it in water. My girlfriend does the same but with a bit less MDMA. The taste is actually bearable. I drink about 2/3 of the cup and let the rest sit for a while. Lets see what happens. <br> <br> T:04:35: (+++) <br> Can already feel the MDMA coming up, I‘m starting to get hot. Bowel movement is real, I make my way to the bathroom. My hands are clammy, I’m sitting on the toilet and my legs are shaking. It’s been almost two years since I last had MDMA, I kind of forgot how these comeups felt like. Oddly enough, I’ve always liked coming up on MDMA. The anticipation, the stimulation, the restlessness, the feeling of a rocket ship taking off. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I’ve always liked coming up on MDMA. The anticipation, the stimulation, the restlessness, the feeling of a rocket ship taking off.</div></div> It’s just exciting. My vision is blurry and my jaw is starting to clench up. Going back outside. <br> <br> T:05:00: (+++) <br> There’s a sudden switch from being confused by the LSD headspace to a mental clarity induced by the MDMA. I can finally articulate myself precisely. Talking flows nicely, we are having very therapeutic conversations about our life goals, self worth, family and other things that are important to us. It is deeply emotional. Again, I am overcome by gratefulness and love for life. It’s a great feeling to be deeply happy, I hope I can take away some of the stuff that I learned today. <br> <br> T:05:30: (+++) <br> Down the rest of the MDMA water and drink two small beers on the side. I need some carbohydrates to restore my energy but I am not hungry. My appetite is heavily suppressed, I try to eat a cookie but need water to wash it down. My throat is dry, my jaw is locked, but I’m feeling great. <br> <br> T:06:50: (++) <br> The effects are starting to wear off, but that’s fine by me. I do have a desire to keep going and I’m pondering over ways to extend the high but conclude to let it go. <br> <br> T:08:00: (+) <br> Girlfriend suggests to drink a glass of red wine and I approve. We talk for a while and watch the night unfold. <br> <br> T:12:00: (±) <br> Slight open eye visuals are remaining. My mind is still stimulated, even though my body is exhausted. I barely ate anything all day but tripped quite hard. My organs had to put in a lot of work today, I thank my body and my girlfriend for this day and try to go to sleep. <br> <br> The day(s) after: <br> <br> T:16:00-20:00: <br> I constantly awaken from my lysergamide half-sleep. I‘m really not sure if I slept at all, but I‘m not tired either. My thoughts are still trippy and racing. Girlfriend is also awake, we joke about going for a night walk but decide not to. <br> <br> T:23:40: <br> Rise, eat breakfast, drink coffee and start to think about what happened. This was just amazing and I still feel great. What a trip, the afterglow is kicking in strong. I‘m feeling a bit manic and overly enthusiastic but this will pass when the sleeplessness overhauls me in the afternoon. <br> <br> T:30:10: <br> Like I called it, I am tired, drained and have no energy left. I’m still not hungry but my stomach is growling. Reminds me of how I felt after my 15mg 2C-T-4 trip in January. That was exhausting too, but definitely worth the price. Perhaps a smoothie will help, I need some vitamins and anti-oxidants. <br> <br> T:33:00: <br> Eat a large meal and finally feel like myself again. <br> <br> T:44:40: <br> Wake up after ten hours of sleep and a set of bizarre dreams. My girlfriend dreamt a lot of weird stuff as well. Nonetheless, we‘re feeling pretty well rested. <br> <br> —————————————————————— <br> Conclusion: <br> <br> Where do I start, I think it’s pretty evident that this was one, if not the most profound psychedelic experience I’ve had in my six years of tripping. Looking back it wasn’t a full ++++ experience but I was toying with it during the peak. I’ve had plenty of deep, emotional, healing, and overall amazing experiences with comparably stronger doses and a variety of psychedelic compounds but LSD triggers something in me that not a lot of substances do. But mostly, set and setting play an important rule and I think this trip just had to happen this way. What I found interesting was that there was no anxiety when my ego started to slip. It just felt right, like it was meant to be. <br> <br> The MDMA was a very nice addition too and a great way to prolong this beautiful day, but it was definitely not a necessity and I will skip it next time. I’m just not a huge fan of it anymore. Anyway, this day was a 10/10 and one I will remember for the rest of my life. I hope I can hold onto this gratefulness and happiness for a long time and don‘t let my neutrality and pessimism get in the way of things.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116699</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 8, 2022</td><td>Views: 1,167</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116699&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116699&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Glowing Experiences (4), Hangover / Days After (46), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> As of this writing, about three and a half years later, no psychedelic experience that I've had even comes close to the awe-inspiring beauty of my first acid trip (well, except for DMT...). I've had countless mushroom trips, plenty of experiences with HWBR seeds, a few solid rolls, and every time 5-meo-this or 2C-that comes my way, I try a bit. But my first date with LSD blows them away. <br> <br> My two friends A and E (both experienced trippers) and I dosed around lunchtime. I had no real intentions or goals for this trip, nor had I done much research on the subject. A and E seemed to like the stuff quite a bit, and that was good enough for me. After all, they'd been right about psilocybin and LSA (the only other two psychedelics I had tried at the time). So we dosed (I took two hits), and sat around A's room for a while waiting for the substance to come on. After about forty minutes, I started feeling goofy and climbed under A's bed. I noticed tracers, and started to wave my hands around. I also noticed a metallic taste in my mouth that seemed to come from my upper lip. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I noticed tracers, and started to wave my hands around. I also noticed a metallic taste in my mouth that seemed to come from my upper lip.</div></div> As an aside, I had purchased 25 hits of that acid, and every time I took it, I got that taste in my mouth. Not only have I not had that effect from any other psychedelic, I haven't even had it from any other batch of acid. I tend to get flushed from psychedelics, so I think it had something to do with the blood rushing to my head. Finally, I experienced some physical discomfort, especially in my mid back. I heard a voice in my head say <i>the whole point of this is to get comfortable</i>. <br> <br> We had intended to peak in the middle of the blizzard raging outside, but the snowfall subsided right before we left our college dorm. It was hard to be disappointed, though, as we were left with enormous mounds of pristine snow to enjoy. We went for a romp in the less heavily traveled areas of our serene campus, and came upon, of all things, three other students gleefully tripping acid in the snow. Better still, each of them mirrored an aspect of each of us (or vice versa or both simultaneously, or whatever). A's mirror was exuberant and expressive, E's was confident and funny, and mine was quiet and thoughtful. To be more clear, these were actual people from our campus (coincidentally, I had first met one of them during the most overwhelming mushroom trip of my life, and was convinced that he was a figment of my imagination for some time). In that moment, however, the juxtaposition was uncanny. I had had no visuals as of yet except for the tracers, but this was already too much for me to take. I was feeling uncomfortable, and didn't really want to be a part of this strange geometrical arrangement. My ego was too precious, I didn't want to be someone else's reflection. We all headed back to our dorms together, but I put my headphones on and tuned out of the group and into some electronica/pop music. At this point, my first visuals appeared -- golden plants of some kind growing around the periphery of my vision. They did not seem to be part of the landscape, it felt more like they were superimposed like CGI over the film that was my experience of the world. <br> <br> When we reached our dorms, a bong was loaded up and sent around. I don't think I took more than one hit. A was talking about how he wasn't tripping nearly as hard as he had wanted to, he was somewhat disappointed. I, on the other hand, was beginning to trip balls. I was filled with emotions I couldn't explain, so much so that I was uncomfortable being around other people. A and E seemed to be doing their own thing, so I went back to my room by myself. <br> <br> Once there, I put on some euphoric rock music and was almost immediately overcome with joy! Light was bursting from every corner! I watched waves of winter sunlight ripple across my desk and thought then (and I still think now) that it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. The nostalgia as I write this, even months and months later, is strong. After exulting at the sheer unadulterated beauty of the everyday for a while, I was inexplicably drawn straight to a box I had stashed beneath my desk. The contents of this box were drawings, letters, and assorted mementos from one of my first romantic relationships. <br> <br> This relationship had, for all intents and purposes, ended about four months previous, but was not really over yet because she was romantically involved with one of my new friends at college. To put it briefly, the whole relationship was a nightmare. The whole thing dripped with enough tedious hyperbole, pointless drama, and mind-boggling coincidence to be a rejected hollywood script. But what I had really loved about this girl was that she was an artist. Her art had struck me as a really unique self expression, a communication that went beyond words. <br> <br> So there, tripping balls on the floor of my room, it wasn't the letters I was interested in, but the drawings. After contemplating curvy lines on paper for a while, there was an explosion in my brain: art. I was an artist. Art is what I need to do. <br> <br> Now, this didn't come completely out of the blue. My father is a professional artist, and has been making a living off of his oil paintings for almost thirty years. I used to draw a lot in junior high, but had traded art for music when my social circles changed. So, I wasn't a stranger to art, but it was still something I hadn't seriously thought about for five years. I decided that I had to start making art immediately, so I began scanning my room for potential supplies. <br> <br> What I found was my mirror (my canvas!), the sun reflecting of it in all its glory (my muse!), and two cans of unused shaving cream (my paints!). After putting up a sign on my door that said <b>Do not disturb! I assure you, this is meditation!</b>, I got to work. Now, this was probably some of the most outrageous fun I have ever had in my life. The menthol smell of the shaving cream was overwhelming. The texture was incredible. And between the sunlight reflecting off the mirror and the relentless open eye visuals from the acid, my creation was growing and transforming on its own, even as I was building it. After a while, I began using masking tape to add a different texture to the mirror. When I showed my friends, however, they were unable to see what I was so excited about. I found out later that some of them were pretty sure I had lost my mind. I asked my friend M for her camera, and tried to capture what I had seen, with the sun's assistance. Operating the camera was a challenge, my hands were bursting with nervous energy and holding them steady was an act of will. <br> <br> After the photos, I regrouped with my friends, who were going out to eat. I debated going with them, but they had a full car already. Besides, I couldn't stop moving and gesturing, and I probably would not have been able to control myself very well in public. I asked them to bring me back a salad. Now it was time to clean up. I experimented with music I don't normally listen to, some blues, some hip hop, and found myself not just liking but loving pretty much everything I heard. Cleaning up became an exciting dance; I was hopping around like a frog while cleaning stray foam off of my door. When I had finished, I spent some time with A, who had also decided to pass on the restaurant. He packed a pipe with tobacco, and told me to take as big a hit as I could. The taste was unbelievably horrible, but the rush almost knocked me off my feet. Worth trying once, at least. Our friends returned with food, and I proceeded to eat as slowly as humanly possible. I had no interest in silverware, and picked individual components out of the salad one by one, studied them, and then carefully ingested them. I had the vague impression that I was eating a densely populated coral reef. <br> <br> I was about a quarter of the way through the salad, when I felt the urge to drum. Now, I'd been a guitar player for five years at the time and had never touched a drum, nor did I know anybody who had a drum. So I wandered back to my room, and disassembled a crappy display for a crappy presentation, and used the hollow plastic base as a drum. Was it an effective drum? No. Did I care? Not even a little. I stripped naked, turned on loud hard psychedelic rock music, and went to town. I tried as best I could to follow the rhythms I was hearing, but I was mostly just exploding in a rapture of sound and aggressive physical motion. <br> <br> As I drummed, my head filled with closed eye visuals and improbably conclusions. I saw fleshy spirals pivoting around eyes. I saw, from above, a woman dancing in spirals with a flowing skirt beneath her. It occurred to me that there are intrinsic differences between the way males communicate and the way females communicate. A conversation between men is like a snowball fight; not only is it competitive but it's direct. But conversation with women is more like a dance: cooperative and frequently sidestepping/spiralling around the central issue. Obviously, this is a blanket generalization, but it struck me as profound at the time. I saw myself (but a little older?) living in a tiny apartment with a beautiful young woman (with dark straight hair and a grey sweater). We didn't care that our apartment was small because we loved each other and spent all our free time creating beautiful art and music with each other. She went to the window, and rested her head in her hands, watching a butterfly dance in the air outside. My vision followed the butterfly out the window, and I realized that my lover and I were quite literally living in a hole in a wall. Colored light was pouring out from behind the butterfly; the light become bricks and the bricks stacked themselves in a multi-colored pyramid. Shadowy reptile people roamed around the base of it. <br> <br> There were many more, but those were the most vivid. By the time I finally stopped, I had been drumming for almost three hours. My hands were numb, red, and throbbing, but I still felt incredible. And, the trip was still going strong! I put on clothes, grabbed my ipod, and wandered outside. I had no idea where my keys were, but I figured I could leave my door unlocked this once. <br> <br> It was late enough (and cold enough) at this point, that there were almost no other people outside. Great! I roamed around listening to more electronica/pop and psychedelic hard rock and grooved on open and closed eye visuals. The arms of a lamppost became spirals with square corners. The cloudy sky, complete with glowing orange moon, was the head of an unfathomably large (and not in the least threatening) monster. Guitars sounded to me like the singing of primordial reptilian people, and at one point the vision of the multi-colored pyramid with the lizard people returned. The leader had an enormous headdress that vibrated with electricity. He was doing a strange dance that I felt compelled to replicate. I was only mildly concerned that someone might see me. Dancing in the snow was fun, until my enthusiastic gyrations ripped my headphones out of my ears and sent them flying into the tundra. Needless to say, I did NOT find my white headphones in a field of snow, at night. No biggie. I was still euphoric. <br> <br> I came back to my room, discovered that I had given A my keys for safekeeping and completely forgot, and got warm. By this point, it was about 2 am, my first awareness of time, and I had been tripping, hard!, for about fourteen hours. I wanted a conversation that was more like a dance and less like a snowball fight, so I called up the aforementioned ex-thing (we still spoke from time to time) to share with her my experience. The conversation was mostly weird, but I was still too euphoric to care. From my perception, skewed I'm sure, she seemed totally self-interested. When interacting with her on normal days, I frequently felt like I had no special value to her, that I was just another admiring face in the crowd. Tripping was no different, but thanks to the manic euphoria, it didn't really bother me until later. I also noticed her tendency to gravitate slowly towards dark topics about her past and then change the subject right before the point of no return. I noticed her doing this several times consecutively, and tried to point it out. However, my brain was beginning to melt down at this point, and I was unable to articulate any complicated thoughts. Instead, I contented myself by watching the little spheres of light generated by the christmas lights in my room gently bob like puffer fish swimming in a current (they even developed little fins!). Finally, I got off the phone and went to bed. The next morning, I felt incredible. Thinking and moving were effortless. I was happier than I'd been in years. <br> <br> Long term effects of this particular trip: <br> <br> I continue to this day to make art. Ink, colored pencil, paint, doesn't matter. I've started using art software, and I regularly make spontaneous gifts of artwork to my friends, especially those I haven't seen in a while. <br> <br> I continue to this day to enjoy percussion, especially when tripping. I tap out syncopated rhythms while listening to music, I beatbox when I'm waiting at the bus stop, and I acquired a djembe. <br> <br> I took up yoga, and continue practicing almost daily. Partially because all my friends were doing it, but partially because <i>the whole point of this is to get comfortable</i>. <br> <br> I started dancing more often, and really enjoying it. <br> <br> I was convinced that EVERYONE should try acid, and proceeded to share my stash with as many of my uninitiated friends as I could. These days, I'm much less enthusiastic about the idea of the whole world tripping, but at the time I was pretty into it. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">These days, I'm much less enthusiastic about the idea of the whole world tripping, but at the time I was pretty into it.</div></div> <br> <br> The nervous energy lasted for almost two weeks, during which I was gesturing and moving around FAR more than I normally do. <br> <br> And finally, I have NEVER had a trip comparable to this one. My head has never felt so foreign and so familiar simultaneously. I consider this a very robust +++, and I should probably mention that I've never more than flirted with a ++++, no matter what I've taken. All my subsequent acid trips (and there have been quite a few) have been far inferior, ranging from muddled to casual to confusing to neurotic to just plain boring. I doubt I will ever experience anything quite like this trip again. The persistent euphoria was incredible. The CEVs were more compelling and intricate than any I've had since. <br> <br> In general, I prefer psilocybin. LSD is just too damn long of a trip. Rarely am I energized all the way through, and I end up feeling like my head is in a vice after about eight hours. Most of my other LSD experiences beyond ++ have been somewhat unpleasant, due to physical discomfort, emotional confusion, and garbled motor skills. Still, I would never undo this trip. The experience was one of the most momentous of my life.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 79675</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 17, 2022</td><td>Views: 785</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=79675&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=79675&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Music Discussion (22), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5 - 6 drops</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">300 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 8:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/chlorpromazine/">Pharms - Chlorpromazine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> NOTE: I’ve chosen to use pseudonyms rather than just initials when it comes to naming the individuals mentioned in this post, because I think names read better and this trip report involves quite a large cast of characters. <br> <br> This trip report describes what was easily the worst night of my life- a full-blown psychotic episode, a train wreck, a disaster trip. That being said, it was still an invaluable learning experience, and over the following months I was able to use the lessons learned during this experience to reach a better, fuller understanding of myself, my own psyche, and my place in the world. In the final analysis, I’m actually glad that I went through this, but I certainly didn’t feel that way at the time! <br> <br> In early March of this year, a few weeks after my twenty-third birthday, I experienced my first truly “bad trip”- what I would term a drug-induced psychosis. Myself and a group of friends had gone to an outdoor psytrance party, held on a farm just outside of town. My friend Bella had just acquired a vial of liquid LSD, and we were all very excited to trip together at this party (note: This would be my 4th time tripping acid. I am also very experienced with MDMA, methylone, psilocybin, 4-ACO-DMT, 5-MeO-Dipt, and several other psychoactives). <br> <br> When we arrived (at around 11 p.m), we immediately went to the bathroom to dose up. I asked Bella for two drops (approximately 300 micrograms); I’d had 3 drops (approx. 450 micrograms) before, but I had never tripped acid in such a public space before and wanted to play it safe. However, as she was administering the LSD her hand slipped and I ended up with WAY more acid under my tongue than I’d bargained for <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">as she was administering the LSD her hand slipped and I ended up with WAY more acid under my tongue than I’d bargained for</div></div>- closer to five or six drops (750- 900 micrograms) worth. Bella was horrified, and I was understandably apprehensive. But there wasn’t all that much to be done about it. I considered retreating to a safer place and waiting out the trip at home, but I had been looking forward to this night for ages and was curious to see how I would handle such an unexpectedly large dose (not well, as it happens). <br> <br> About half an hour later, I started to come up HARD. Visuals were extremely pronounced- thousands of tiny little spheres of multi-coloured light began to dance across my vision, and people’s faces began to warp and stretch. Conversation became increasingly difficult, and I began to feel as if there was no connection between the words in my head and the words coming out of my mouth. I also began to feel an extreme physical discomfort- “tweaky” is the word I would use to describe the sensation. I went and danced for a little bit, which helped distract me from the discomfort, but I was finding the whole experience distinctly unenjoyable. I ran into my friend Kyle, who was also tripping, and told him I was having a bit of a rough trip. We walked around the party for a bit, chatting in a disjointed fashion, and I felt a bit better. At that point I suddenly remembered that in my wallet were two 150 mg caps of MDMA that I had left over from my birthday, and in my acid-addled state it seemed like a brilliant idea to take them there and then, despite Kyle’s objections. BIG MISTAKE. <br> <br> I went to dance some more, and started feeling really, really good. Better than I’d ever felt before. The music was face-meltingly incredible, every slight movement I made sent ripples of pleasure all through my body, everyone around me seemed blindingly beautiful. About an hour after I took the MDMA, I decided to take a break, got some water and went and sat by the bonfire, where I ran into my friend Rosie- a beautiful soul who I’d had a massive crush on ever since I first met her last year. We started chatting, and I basically blurted out my feelings for her. She seemed taken aback but pleased, and we kissed for a little bit. Things were taking a turn for the better, but then the incoherency that I’d been battling all night came back with a vengeance. I said some very inappropriate and hurtful things to her, completely unintentionally, and she became very hurt, confused and angry with me. <br> <br> It’s at this point that the trip took a truly dark turn, and my recollection of things beyond that point is still very scattered and incomplete. I ran away from her, back into the mass of bodies on the dancefloor. I became overwhelmed by terrible, uncontrollable feelings of desire- everything and everyone around me took on a very sexual aspect. I started touching, rubbing up on and kissing everyone around me. Obviously, this didn’t go down very well with anyone- not that I noticed or cared at the time. Kyle and Bella saw what was happening and tried to drag me away, but I ran away from them into the darkness. I ended up backstage and, for whatever reason, decided to climb onto the roof of a large freight container and throw myself off of it. I landed face first in the dirt, breaking my glasses in the process. A couple of witnesses told me afterwards that I lay still for a very long time- about 10 to 15 minutes, they said- and I think I may have sustained a mild concussion from the fall. <br> <br> Eventually, one of the organizers of the party found me and took me to the chill-out tent, where he tried to contain me and calm me down. My memories of this time are very fragmented. I remember lying on an old, beat-up couch, pushing my fingers into holes in the couch and being very aroused by this; I remember people’s faces morphing and warping around me- total strangers turned into childhood friends, men turned into women, friends and acquaintances turned into celebrities and pop culture icons. It was as if every time I blinked I was transported into a totally different reality with totally different rules. At one point I became convinced that to solve the worlds energy crisis we needed a second sun, and that I had the power to will this sun into existence; at another, I remember being given water to drink and then believing that I was drinking whole oceans dry, swallowing rainclouds, draining seas, sucking the whole world dry to quench my terrible thirst. A second later, I hallucinated that I was surrounded by silverback gorillas. The whole time apparently I was raving, talking nonstop gibberish. What’s important to note, however, is that this whole time during the psychotic part of the trip, I didn’t feel fearful, or anxious, or anything like that. On the contrary, I was consumed by an overpowering, awe-inspiring sense of wonder and joy- it was if I was so happy that my brain couldn’t cope with it, and happiness itself was driving me insane. <br> <br> Eventually (sometime past sunrise), someone managed to feed me an antipsychotic- chlorpromazine, I think- and someone else managed to call my flatmate to come take me home. Once I was back in my bedroom, reality began to return to me bit by bit, and I slowly began to realise just how fucked up that night had been. I was sobering up but still tripping, and that was when I entered into the most hellish and nightmarish part of the trip. I lay in bed sobbing my eyes out as a multitude of demonic-looking worms and centipedes and other crawling vermin slithered and swarmed all over me, enveloping me in slimy darkness. I puked all over myself, and pissed my pants, several times, unable to even drag myself to the bathroom to clean myself up. I remember looking at my hands, and seeing the flesh begin to blacken and wither until the skin slid off of my body and all that was left was yellowing bone. At that moment, still in the grip of the monstrous candyflip but sober enough to realise just how badly fucked up things had gone, I hit rock-bottom, and for the first time in my life found myself contemplating suicide. I finally managed to cry myself to sleep at around 10 a.m. <br> <br> The next few weeks were very difficult. I fell into a deep depression, obsessed by feelings of stupidity, shame and remorse over what had happened. Fortunately my friends were very understanding and supportive, and with their help I was able to get my shit back together and carry on with normal life. I tripped acid once more in the months that followed that night, mushrooms twice, and had two MDMA rolls (but no combos), and everything went pretty smoothly- I wanted to prove to myself that I was not permanently insane, and that I could still enjoy drugs despite what had happened. Nonetheless, the memory of that night remained like a scar in my consciousness, and I felt acute anxiety and shame whenever I thought about it or someone brought it up. <br> <br> Over the following few months, with the help of therapy, the support of my friends, and a few more quite revelatory drug experiences (primarily involving MDMA and methylone), I was able to take a lot of positive things from this bad trip- as I said at the start of the report, it taught me a lot about myself and my place in the world, and I’m grateful for those lessons, even though I wish they hadn’t had to come to me in such a terrifying manner. I won’t go into the details here because this is a trip report and not a personal psychological evaluation, but the main point I want to get across is that every trip – good or bad- contains within it the possibility for personal growth and development.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 103969</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Feb 22, 2023</td><td>Views: 2,179</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=103969&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=103969&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2), Pharms - Chlorpromazine (318) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Hangover / Days After (46), Sex Discussion (14), Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">85 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 7:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/coffee/">Coffee</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 10:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 glasses</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">74 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This is the first trip report that I am writing. To start with I would like to give a bit of a background. I am 36 years old and have had quite some experience with cannabis and well of course alcohol. I was planning to take acid once before I turn 40 years and had that in mind for a long time. I always wanted to wait for the right moment and this year on my 36th birthday I decided that I feel grounded, stable and safe in my own personality that I was sure that I could handle this powerful substance. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I feel grounded, stable and safe in my own personality that I was sure that I could handle this powerful substance.</div></div> I have a long-term history of meditation, mindfulness and bodywork practice that I knew would help me. During meditation I experienced all kind of altered states so I had a certain confidence that I could handle the situation. <br> <br> T+0 <br> <br> I planned my trip with a very good friend of mine that I share a lot of deep talk with over important philosophical and psychological topics that relate to us as society and humans. He came over to my house on Friday midday. I had arranged a place for him to sleep later on and had pre-cooked a light dinner that we could just reheat. Also we had prepared a few easy things to eat like fruits, nuts, chocolate, juice and Moroccan mint tea, all to bring to a remote city park with a bit of a wild patch nearby my house. We diluted the tabs (roughly 170 mcg in total) in distilled water and drank each the half of it with a syringe. I thought that in between 80-90 mcg would be a great dose for a beginner. My friend had tripped already a few times before that. We got the LSD from a friend of my friend who is a dealer also and provided us with some very fresh acid. The blotter was just prepared a couple of days earlier and we stored the tabs in the fridge. We kicked at 1:00pm. <br> <br> T+1 <br> <br> On the way to the park, that was half an hour walk through the neighbourhood, I started to feel a bit of the onset already. The first moment I recognized something was a child on a swing. There was something weird going on, hard to describe but it seemed as if the swing would have been pinned down whilst in the air. As if painted. We walked further and arrived at the park. As we didn’t feel like stopping to move already we walked through a little forest bit for a moment. I started to realize that my body feels different. As I was walking my body was feeling lighter and lighter and I could sense that I started to look at the trees and was fascinated by the structures. My friend and I laughed a lot about faces and grimaces that we could see the tree trunks. We walked further and I started to feel a bit disoriented, I think we started to walk in circles a bit as there was a guy that had crossed our way three times, we joked about how he is doing that thing with the teleportation. My body proportions started to feel different. It felt my arms and legs would extend and shrink and if my body could morph and change its shape. At one point we sat down on a bench, because our legs started to feel heavy and tired. We started to walk like two old men. At the point the first visuals started to kick in and the ground was breathing and bending slightly. <br> <br> T+2 <br> <br> We decided that we want an open green space and went to that bit of the park where there is a huge meadow that looked like a prairie with little crests and trees. The walk over seemed like a whole journey. My body at this point started to feel entirely different and I could sense the edges around my body sensations dissolving into the space around me. We sat down under a nice tree and spread our blanket and started to listen to some nice trippy music. I remember when I first lay down and stared into the sun-filled clouds they started to dance. I could see at least four to six different layers to the cloud which looked hyper-real as if I could immediately touch or feel them. At one point there was something that I can only describe as a thunder inside of me: A deep sensation like someone hitting a huge gong next to my chest. An earthquake to my consciousness. It seemed to have to do with the epic clouds over us. It felt like something enormous was going on. Life was getting at me with all its beauty. I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling. In the meanwhile it was all too precious to believe that I usually oversee all of that in my everyday life. In the meanwhile my friend was fascinated by a peach that he brought. He was touching and massaging the peach and staring at it with amazement. He handed me the peach, I looked at its surface and it was like staring into cosmic glass sphere. The peach became the universe itself, it contained everything and yet was contained by everything, pretty difficult to explain with words. I guess that’s what fractals mean, you zoom in, but if you zoom in deep enough you return to the point where you started. We couldn’t stop giggling like little children. It was beautiful. <br> <br> T+3 <br> <br> The visuals started to get stronger and stronger, if I would rest my eyes on the other side of the park, the lawn started to create ripples and horizontally and at the same time started to zoom in and out constantly. The interesting part was, the second I used my will power to concentrate I could still have formal-logical thinking. At one point a girl came around and asked for directions and I was amazed how easily I could still focus on that. I started to be flooded by deep feelings of love, for myself, my friend, the people around me and all of existence, I could sense that my ego was something I could let go of but I felt I would only allow that to a certain extend. I can imagine on higher doses (> 150 mcg) you don’t have that choice anymore. We were lying there in the park, as if it was Garden Eden. Life seemed so abundant. Time had kind of lost its use and I was very grateful for my life. There was a deep trust that everything is fine as it is and that this process of constant creation of the universe will never end. That gave me a certain peace. My breathing felt so amazing. I let my belly pop out entirely. I realized how much I keep it in. I’m quite slim, so there are no aesthetic reasons behind that, I just realized I keep it in because of shame in my everyday life. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My breathing felt so amazing. I let my belly pop out entirely. I realized how much I keep it in. I’m quite slim, so there are no aesthetic reasons behind that, I just realized I keep it in because of shame in my everyday life.</div></div> I allowed it to pop out like a melon. Such a liberation. My breathing felt as if a whole galaxy of things being created while inhaling and letting go and dissolve again while exhaling. At this point my feeling of love and grace just flooded me and I thought: “If I can only take a bit from that in my day to day I will leave this trip as a rich man”. <br> <br> T+4 <br> <br> At one point there started to be waves of intensity, shocking and rippling through me. I felt I’m wired into reality. I can never escape life, that I am embedded in this universe and that my usual sense of separation is on a different level of consciousness just a delusion. I realized how much and instantly I was actually touched by everything that happens around me. A dog passing by and me just absorbing its friendly and joyous vibes that it radiated, the sadness when he left and the acceptance that there will be something new arriving on my horizon of manifestation. In between it felt like too much to take, but deep breathing helped a lot to clear and let go. I had a few moments only during the peak where I felt like: “What’s happening if this never ends?”. From everything that I have read I decided that I don’t want to go down that road and that worked very well. I thought: “Wow! Life is really what you make out of it”. As a thought it doesn’t seem very deep, but all of those experiences felt like an irrefutable truth to me at the time. <br> <br> T+5 <br> <br> I looked at my skin and I could see so many layers of tissue that I have never seen before. Over my skin there was shimmer and movement going on that looked like life energy flowing over me. The animal, vital side of me became so pronounced. I could feel life deep inside of my core and spend some time with closed eyes. The music just bounced inside of fractal structures morphing to the sound of the music. Little nuances in the music immediately changed the structures inside my mind. At times it felt as if the music was poking and teasing my cortex. My brain felt like sparkling fireworks. Me and my friend would hold our hands close to each others like maybe ten centimetres apart and it seemed as if I could let my energy system and his interact with one another. I am a very skeptical person with a big scientific mind but under the influence of the acid I felt as if reincarnation, chakras, etc. would be no esoteric gibber, it seemed as if those are real structures of life. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I am a very skeptical person with a big scientific mind but under the influence of the acid I felt as if reincarnation, chakras, etc. would be no esoteric gibber, it seemed as if those are real structures of life.</div></div> At one point the wavy movement turned its direction. I remember the first moment of soberness, that felt like falling into a pit, only to be picked up again by another smaller wave. I could sense we were on the decline again. <br> <br> T+6 <br> <br> My friend and I started to be able to speak again more. It was not that we couldn’t have talked, it would have still been possible at all times, it was just that it felt that by trying to really put those experiences into words we would diminish them. Formal-logical thinking seemed from this position as an anchor to the reality as I know it, but I could also see how limiting, yet necessary it is for the society and structures have had build. After some writing and sketching and slowly coming back, my friend and I decided that we started to be really hungry. We packed our things and went back to my apartment. The idea of a crowded street seemed to be manageable again. <br> <br> T+7 <br> <br> The food just tasted so nice. My apartment looked weird to me, I could sense the artificial character of civilization. My friend and I agreed on going outside again afterwards. We had dinner, shared a coffee, which felt warming and nice and very activating. <br> <br> T+8/9 <br> <br> We spend more time in the park. We played some Frisbee and then lay down on the lawn to enjoy the warm rest of the evening, drinking a bottle of beer, sharing experiences and connecting. I could sense how my usual concepts and the perception of the world was constantly fading back to the so called “normal”. <br> <br> T+10-14 <br> <br> We went back to the apartment, cleaned a bit the mess we had left behind, sat down for the second round of dinner and shared a good conversation over one or two glasses of wine. We had a shower each and at around 2:30am we went to bed and could fall asleep. <br> <br> Résumé: <br> <br> I am very pleased with my experience. I think it was the perfect dose for a first trip and I could sense that I am a stable personality and that there is no reason to not trust my stability. The whole trip felt like a huge solid mountain range with little to no sharp chasm to fall into. I can feel though that it was a lot and what remains most is this initial feeling of thunder in my chest that I still carry a day afterwards. If I can take from this trip more peace and ease to trust into myself and life that would be just very beautiful. I am very grateful for my friend being there, I could have not had a better trip partner. I would like to take acid again, this time maybe a full 100mcg and then eventually 150mcg. But I have time for that. No rush.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114573</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 36</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jul 12, 2020</td><td>Views: 4,057</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114573&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114573&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Music Discussion (22), Various (28)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td><a href="http://www.erowid.org/columns/scotto/" target="new"><img src="http://www.erowid.org/experiences/images/authors/logo_scotto.jpg" alt="Author Home Page" align="RIGHT" border="0"></a> </td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Most people report the candyflip (LSD + MDMA) combination to be a very enjoyable experience. The most rewardingly 'cosmic' aspects of the LSD are combined with the empathogenic 'love' of the MDMA to create a unique and often powerful experience. This is usually the case with me as well, provided I take a low dose of LSD with a regular dose of MDMA (i.e. too much LSD can blow the MDMA out of the water, which is a damn waste of MDMA). <br> <br> However, I feel obliged to report one very negative experience I had during a candyflip many years ago, when I was still living in Cedar Falls, Iowa. This report mainly serves to underscore the importance of set and setting, but also stands as a reminder that, as Alexander Shulgin says, there are no insignificant psychedelic experiences, meaning caution is always a great policy. <br> <br> I was hoping to do a rather deep exploration that night, and had invited my good friend H over to sit for me. His instructions were to sit quietly in the same room as me and intercede only if I really encountered problems. I felt this was a reasonable precaution because this was only my second candyflip, and I was still at that time relatively inexperienced with both LSD and MDMA. I didn't expect trouble, as I was feeling good and confident about myself at the time, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to have H around - someone who knew me very well and could handle me if I got into a bad space. <br> <br> At the time, I was writing a book called 'Melody's Blues', and felt pretty involved with some of the characters, to the extent that my psychedelic trips often featured interactions with versions of these characters. I laid down on the floor under a nice blanket, on top of some cushions, underneath a blindfold, and proceeded to go 'way way out there, man,' and suddenly found myself sharing a psychedelic bubble of spacetime with Melody, the main character in the book. This was not in itself cause for alarm, but before long, things got incredibly dark and incredibly weird inside my head. The sensation was of being suddenly and vigorously pursued by vast collections of entities that were very specifically bent on doing us grievous harm. We fled through psychedelic corridors and churning maelstroms of energy, and the terror in me gradually increased over the course of what I'm guessing was a half an hour, maybe more. The intensity continued to build, and it seemed extremely relentless; I could feel them shrieking as they chased us, these horrible 'alien' monsters. I had never encountered such mayhem before, and was frightened beyond belief. <br> <br> At some point, it somehow finally occurred to me to rip the blindfold off and sit up. The room was just as I left it, if covered with a few more multi-colored swirls than usual. I immediately turned to H, who was staring intently at me. I said, 'What the hell is going on?' He replied, 'You ingested LSD and MDMA, and you've been candyflipping for an hour and a half or so.' And then, he fell silent, and suddenly I heard for the first time the sounds coming from the apartment next door. My neighbors had been having a horrendous, extremely loud fight, and the screams were clearly audible through the wall. These sounds had very obviously penetrated my trip, but I hadn't given any external signs that I was in trouble, so H had chosen not to intervene. The aggression from next door was as much a part of my set and setting as my preparation and intention, and had pretty much steered my trip. <br> <br> We waited a long time, H and I, until the sounds finally died down. I was very shaken by my exposure to such violent energy, and wasn't sure how to proceed. Eventually I put on some incredibly soothing music, and laid back down, and within minutes was sucked back into a very peaceful and magical place, about which I have written elsewhere...<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1992</td><td width="90">ExpID: 2008</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jun 21, 2000</td><td>Views: 138,344</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=2008&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=2008&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td><a href="http://www.lavondyss.com/donut/trey.html" target="new"><img src="http://www.erowid.org/experiences/images/authors/logo_trey.jpg" alt="Author Home Page" align="RIGHT" border="0"></a> </td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">175 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">225 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mescaline/">Mescaline</a></td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Recently the great spirit has blessed me with the opportunity to begin working with what has quickly become my most special entheogenic ally - mescaline sulfate. My first two experiences (at 400 and 500 mg. respectively) with this material have easily surpassed my experiences with the other “traditional” psychedelics. As opposed to LSD, it is much gentler, more lucid, and euphoric, without the abrasive psychoanalytical edge that often irritates me on high dose acid trips. And I find its energizing qualities preferable to the drowsy, dreamy trance I usually experience with the mushroom. I would also like to stress that this is far and away the most healing entheogen that I have ever encountered, both physically and psychologically. One hour into my first journey, it was inescapably clear to me why the Indians say that Peyote is first and foremost a medicine before all else. I emerged from both trips feeling as though I had productively worked through a substantial amount of psychodynamic baggage and physically rejuvenated to boot! <br> <br> In any event, after those trips I was inspired to start learning as much as I could about my newfound ally. In the impressively thorough San Pedro Fanatic FAQ I read that LSD and mescaline could be combined to yield a trip that was longer lasting and smoother than either alone. When I recently came across a hit of fresh, relatively potent (~150-200 mcg) acid, I decided to test this hypothesis, hoping the LSD would function as an amplifier, allowing one to get more mileage out of the frustratingly rare, delicate, needle-like crystals of mescaline. As it turned out, I was in no way disappointed. At approximately 9pm on the designated evening, I consumed the LSD and 225 mg of mescaline simultaneously. Initial effects were felt at the forty-five minute point, building to a plateau around the fourth hour, with residual effects persisting well into the following afternoon. My theory about the LSD acting essentially as a potentiator turned out to be correct; the mescaline’s warm, earthy signature was dominant throughout, while the experience felt subjectively stronger than my previous mescaline-only trip at 500 mg. <br> <br> At the peak of this journey I had a totally paradigm-shattering experience that I am at a loss to interpret even still, several days afterwards. I was lying on my bed, incense and ceremonial candles alight, meditating. The air seemed to grow somehow thick, as though pregnant with energy, like a thundercloud about to burst. My visual acuity seemed to sharpen at the same time, as I looked at my hand and began to be able to make out tiny iridescent curlicues that were superimposed as if upon a clear scrim on top of everything that I saw. Then automatically, as if by instinct, I began to manipulate my eye muscles in a manner very similar to the technique used to view those “magic eye” 3-D images, where you un-focus your eyes and attempt to look through the gibberish image to see the real picture. When I did this, the curlicues suddenly sprang into strong three-dimensional relief, and were revealed to be translucent, iridescent tentacles or tendrils of some sort that looked like they were formed out of ectoplasm. The room was electric with a sense of presence, and I followed the line of these tendrils away from my hand to their source. I was utterly unprepared for what I saw when I did so... <br> <br> Floating in the corner of my room was an enormous, shimmering, translucent, opalescent, octopoid/jellyfish-like creature from which the tentacles protruded! My initial reaction was one of disbelief mixed with a substantial degree of fear. However, the thing immediately began to caress me with its tendrils as if to reassure me, and my apprehension completely melted away. Amazingly, I actually perceived a gentle, soothing pressure against my skin as it caressed me like a child! As it touched me I felt its consciousness partially merge with mine, and I was then flooded with a sense of love unlike anything I have ever experienced before or even imagined to be possible. Comparing any experience of transcendence that I had previously had to this is like trying to compare a candle to the sun. I had the sense that this was a guardian angel or something similar who was always with me, watching over me, and it was absolutely overjoyed that I could finally perceive and communicate with it directly. I was so moved by this that I wept openly with joy for a large portion of the time. I lay there soaking up its affection for nearly half an hour before it eventually vanished. The trip began to gradually, gently decline shortly afterwards. <br> <br> Today as I sit here writing this, I am still as stunned and amazed by this as I was then. I have had plenty of entity contacts in the disembodied domain of DMT, but this thing tangibly coexisted in the same physical spacetime matrix as my body and the rest of consensus reality, which is a new one on me! I am really baffled as to how to interpret and integrate this. Input from anyone who may have had similar experiences would be gratefully welcomed.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1997</td><td width="90">ExpID: 2013</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jun 21, 2000</td><td>Views: 181,783</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=2013&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=2013&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Mescaline (36), LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I took LSD at least 100 times between 1968-1972. Generally I approached it as a scientific experiment rather than a 'party drug'. <br> <br> Thirty years later, those experiences stand out as some of the most remarkable of my life, although I am convinced that the benefits are NOT cumulative. That is, I probably derived no more benefit from doing it 100 times than if I had only done it 5 times. Perhaps even once was enough. <br> <br> I was always left with the nagging feeling that I had come very close to grasping some ultimate truth, but I was never quite satisfied that I had really gotten there. Hence the need to go back to it over and over again. <br> <br> Aside from discovering (or not) any ultimate truths, I certainly became aware of, and awed by, the incredibly intricate workings of the mind. It was truly fascinating to watch my mind working on many levels at the same time, creating all sorts of curious realities and unusual interpretations. <br> And therein lies the sleeping tiger of LSD. New interpretations of reality come flying from every direction, and not all of them are warm and cozy. When the world of all possibilities is unleashed it can get extremely frightening. <br> <br> So even though I would make careful preparations to ensure positive LSD experiences (and in fact they WERE positive for the most part), there were more than a few times that it became paralyzingly clear that I was not in control of anything that was happening. In those situations one hopes to just 'go with the flow', but that can be easier said than done.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1969</td><td width="90">ExpID: 4953</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Feb 1, 2001</td><td>Views: 109,295</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=4953&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=4953&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Unknown Context (20), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I saw the film american beauty tonight. The 'moral' made so much sense to me because of how my acid trip on the fourth of july congealed meanings and existences for me. To say that everything is 'okay' would be both understatement and would not do justice to the calm and comfort with existence that I felt. The main character exhibited these features and the plastic bag dancing in the wind showed me that I am not insane for finding mundane, inconsequential things like that gorgeous. <br> <br> I have faith vested in some overarching concept that includes humans, but I cannot say what. It is larger, but not gigantic--infinitesimal but not insignificant. I have trouble calling it a thing, because this tends to imply that there is something to be learned or understood about it. I personally feel that on some level, all humans understand it but that some tap into this understanding with more ease than others. To call it god would not do it justice, due to the social meanings applied to that word. To personify it would be fruitless, for it encompasses all of humanity, life and existence and holds within it all human experience--that which has happened, that which is happening, and that which is going to happen, all encoded in some vast fullness. <br> <br> When I had my first trip july fourth, I felt like I had tapped into this 'collective consciousness'. It was very good acid according to those whom I knew there who had experience with the substance. It was on a roof of an apartment building in the city and we were waiting for the fireworks to begin. A few hours before, I knew that I would have an opportunity to take some 'mind-expanding' substances, but I didn't know specifically what. I decided to try LSD because I knew quite a bit about its history, and that set and setting factored heavily into the experience. I felt that this setting was good even though i was in an unfamiliar place because I was with two friends whom I trust on a very fundamental level. I also wasn't taking any medications or the like at that time. There were quite a few people there that I didn't know at all, but this didn't bother me at all. I took two tabs about forty-five minutes before the fireworks started--the tabs were basically white construction paper, no patterns or designs. Fifteen minutes before the fireworks, I took one hit from a joint. I will discuss the connection to weed a bit more below. <br> <br> About five minutes into the fireworks I started to feel something and started to really get into the experience of watching the fireworks--the lines of smoke, the bursts, the classical music drifting up from somewhere below and in front of us. I remember some acquaintances calling out the element that made that particular firework that color. I remember feeling the acid hit me hard when one kid said 'oh, and that's magnesium'. The experience soon morphed into a belief that what I was experiencing was a sort of limbo from which all people's lives emanated. Limbo was sitting on a roof watching fireworks and listening to classical music. And it would just keep going until you went down to get a glass of water (one existence or life), went to the side to make out (another existence), but you would always come back to watching fireworks and listening to classical music, which was a very pleasing and unthreatening experience. <br> <br> As the trip progressed, sounds and meanings of words started to phase. They went out of sync and, due to phase cancellation their 'true' meanings and sounds were revealed. (This phenomenon is not unlike the audio equivalent of phasing--check out Steve Reich's early works with tape loops: 'It's Gonna Rain' and 'Come Out'). What I mean by 'true' is not equivalent to 'inherent', but more so what I perceived to be the truth for the portion of humans that I know. This phasing continued while I slowly leaned back and closed my eyes. Apparently I was rolling around on the roof mumbling incoherently, but I was having an amazing experience. I only harbor a little regret for not having seen any visual hallucinations, but I am not a very visual person compared to some. Still, even without visuals, this shit was tweaking/repeating/phasing audio and then progressed to tweaking existential meaning in the same way. <br> <br> What happened while I was lying down with my eyes shut, or 'under', is difficult to explain. I felt like I was connecting to all and everything--going out in all directions while simultaneously delving inward. I experienced utter ego surrender--I knew that I had a prior existence as 'me', but since I had this knowledge of the interconnectedness of all things, I felt safe, secure and comfortable in being a part of that and moving with its ebb and flow. Whether or not I came back to the reality I knew as 'me' was not an issue. I knew that my life was 'right', including all the 'bad' shit. While 'under', I understood the meanings of all the 'evil' and wrongs that exist(ed)/will exist and that they came as a package deal with existence. I understand evil's place, in a sense. It is possible that I understood that good vs. bad/evil is an extremely subjective thing, even if those definitions are accepted throughout the society. Also, that which one finds to be bad or evil could be considered to be a comparative thing that helps one see, appreciate and enjoy what one perceives as 'good'. <br> <br> The trip was getting molecular (approx. two hours after I had taken the tabs and about an hour into the trip) and in doing so, it made me realize how the interconnectedness was also on a molecular level and emanated in all directions. This was definitely the peak of the experience, and it included utter ego surrender. There was an overarching mental image that was similar to others' description of the 'kaleidoscope' effect that somehow incorporated a profile of my head with spherical molecular structures intertwining--not unlike the type of molecular structures pictured on Erowid. My body also was incorporated into this phasing, kaleidoscopic image. I remember feeling my entire body being washed with waves of warmth and pleasure. <br> <br> The 'come down' from the peak (about two hours into the trip) was fascinating-just as something coming back into phase with something else, reality slowly phased back into itself, and I raised my upper body, saw one of the friends I had come there with who was sitting next to me, and muttered, with awe, 'whoa'. There was a slight breeze, and John Lennon's song 'imagine' that had been playing through the speakers on the roof was ending at about this time: 'and the world shall live as one...' this fragment repeated in my head and created some gorgeous textures. Repetition was a huge factor in my trip-a type of repetition that was slightly different in feel and scope with each supposed repetition, thus making for a feeling of constancy, but coupled with progression and a sort of evolution. After I came out of being 'under'--probably a little less than three hours after I started tripping--I was only a little bit disoriented, but I felt relatively 'normal', barring a sore jaw and an awareness of my tingling nervous system. I had no more hallucinatory effects from the LSD, but I couldn't sleep one bit that night. <br> <br> I now share this comfort with and understanding of all aspects of existence with the main character of 'american beauty' and I share wonderment with the character 'Ricky' in things usually found to be odd. In the movie, the man's face at the moment of his own death was one of contentment. I understood. Ricky did too. I think this may have had something to do with the ego surrender and the trust in the larger collective consciousness. <br> <br> Back to the pot. Having smoked a little weed before the acid hit me did some interesting things. For the first few times that I smoked pot afterwards (we're talking weeks after, not hours or days), I became extremely aware of my nervous system and could feel the impulses speeding along the nerves sending signals to my brain through my spinal cord. This feeling eventually subsided, but it was something I was really grateful for because it made me aware of my body. I recently had a minor flashback from smoking quite a bit of weed that involved racing christmas lights and a spherical reflective surface. These combined to produce trails that circled the room with the lights and a wonderful reflection of those same trails in the extinguished ceiling light. <br> <br> If you feel uncomfortable about the idea of ego surrender, then LSD might not be for you. That's cool, because William S. Burroughs himself said that drugs are a means to different levels of consciousness, but they shouldn't be solely depended upon, because they aren't the only means to attain mind expansion. Personally, I probably won't do acid again for quite a while, because I feel like I learned so much and can learn so much more from this trip that I'm going to need a bit more time to sort everything out. The most central thing I learned to be true for me was that all people experience some sort of hope, comfort, or contentment during their life, even for a millisecond. And in that millisecond, according to my trip, there is a complete lifetime.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1999</td><td width="90">ExpID: 93</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jul 27, 2001</td><td>Views: 76,739</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=93&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=93&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Mystical Experiences (9), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td><a href="/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&ID=9"><img src="/experiences/images/authors/author_logo_default_grn.gif" alt="author logo" align="right" border="0"></a> </td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 4:15</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 lines</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 6:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">25 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dpt/">DPT</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 8:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ghb/">GHB</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">170 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> * June 4, 1989 - Beijing, China: Many students are killed by government <br> troops while protesting for democratic reforms in Tiananmen Square. <br> <br> * June 4, 1989 - Washington, DC suburbs: Through a a series of <br> coincidences, I ran across a little square of white blotter paper <br> containing a sample of Hofmann's magical elixir, and so have my first <br> trip. <br> <br> * June 4, 1999 - Beijing, China: Soldiers raised the Chinese flag over <br> Tiananmen Square in Beijing, as China tried to ignore the anniversary of <br> the student democracy movement there a decade ago. <br> <br> * June 4, 1999 - Washington, DC suburbs: Unlike in China, June 4 is an <br> anniversary full of joy for me, and one which I celebrated quite fully <br> this year, as is fitting for 10 years... <br> <br> Ahh yes... my 10th rebirthday! This is one that I won't soon <br> forget. I hadn't had LSD in a pretty long time... about 15 months since my <br> last mild experience, and around 2 years since my last full blown LSD <br> experience, which had been a little on the rough side. I've been exploring <br> other entheogens quite thoroughly in this time, but I stayed away from LSD <br> for a variety of reasons. <br> <br> With my 10th rebirthday approaching, however, I decided it was <br> time for a reunion. I obtained a hit of green geltab acid, and set it <br> aside for the upcoming anniversary. <br> <br> June 4th finally came, and I felt that old familiar nervous <br> anticipation rising in me. Acid! My first and most familiar ally... I <br> found myself incredibly nervous, which struck me as silly. I've done this <br> countless times. I've done crazy shit like ayahuasca. Why is a little hit <br> of acid causing so much tension? I guessed just because it had been so <br> long. I decided on 11PM for take-off. <br> <br> Around 10:15, I decided to go on my regular internet chatroom to <br> relax and smoke some cannabis before take-off. I go on there and find one <br> person taking AMT, one person taking DPT, one person taking AMT with <br> mushrooms, one taking DPT with ketamine, someone else taking LSD, and a <br> few other assorted trippers. Surprise, it looks like the universe decided <br> to throw me a spontaneous rebirthday virtual-party! Well, alright then! <br> <br> I placed the sacrament at the foot of my Buddha carving, and lit a <br> stick of incense. I reflected upon all that I had been through with LSD <br> over the last 10 years, and all the wonderful things I have learned from <br> it. 11PM, down the hatch! Well, like I said 10 years ago, theres no <br> turning back now! <br> <br> I felt a strong alert by 11:15PM, and knew I was going to be in <br> for a wild ride. I was also overcome by a strong wave of nostalgia about <br> LSD. I put on headphones and listened to Moody Blues, broke out a folder <br> of my old LSD-influenced drawings, and began reminiscing. I read old LSD <br> reports of mine (unfortunately, I've only made a few of them). I thought <br> about how different of a world it was when I first fell through the rabbit <br> hole. There was still a Soviet Union. The Internet was still not much more <br> beyond the wet dreams of a few visionary geeks. Someone reminded me that <br> the Tiananmen Square massacre happened the same day. 10 years. Wow... <br> <br> Around 12:15, I wasn't tripping unusually hard, I was at a Plus 2 <br> on the Shulgin scale. I started to get worried that I wouldn't trip any <br> harder. By 12:30-12:45, however, I realized that I was about to trip quite <br> a bit harder. I went to lay down just as I found myself hurled into an <br> amazing Plus 4. I remembered how much I loved LSD right then, and wondered <br> why I had let it go so long. <br> <br> The peak was spectacular. I was laying in bed in a dark room, the <br> best way to experience acid I think, and the closed-eye visuals were <br> mindblowing. At the same time, I felt that high-speed LSD consciousness <br> train blasting through my skull. The visuals and thoughts were very much <br> in sync. I thought about many things... how much I had missed acid, how <br> much I had learned from it over the years... and then into reflections on <br> my life. Realization that this was my first acid trip as a non-smoker, <br> which struck me as being an important milestone. After a little while, I <br> stopped thinking *about* anything and I became just a process of <br> abstract thinking, accompanied by the fantastic acid visualscapes of the <br> disembodied eye state. I experienced strange temporal distortions, had <br> visions of the LSD 'spirit' appearing to me as a yound woman dressed in <br> white muslin, saw both the dark and the light sides of acid as a sort of <br> 'This Is Your Life' nostalgia session. I had a particularly amusing vision <br> of people putting tabs of acid to their tongues and immediately sprouting <br> wings from their mouths and flying off to the 'real' world (a la 'The <br> Matrix', sort of). <br> <br> Sometime during the height of the peak, around 1-1:30AM I would <br> estimate, I had a very strange experience. I had the sensation that I was <br> somehow communicating with an entity - which I soon realized was Becky. <br> This had a strange feeling of being real... some sort of telepathic link. <br> I found myself talking to her soundlessly in some sort of impossible <br> space, and rapidly became confused as to which one of us was who. 'Whats <br> happening?' I felt her think... and I thought back 'I don't know, I just <br> think our realities are overlapping...we'll just have to ride it out.' I <br> felt a strong feeling of caring, and soon after, it was as if we zoomed <br> apart at hundreds of miles per hour and the contact was broken. The <br> strange thing is that the next morning when I spoke with her, she asked <br> 'So, did you feel us talking about you last night?' <br> <br> Around 3-3:30AM, things leveled off enough that I was able to move <br> around. I returned to the internet chatroom, and soon someone convinced me <br> to try a little ketamine, saying that the combination was amazing. I cut <br> some out into two large lines, returned to my bedroom, snorted the <br> ketamine, and lay down. I waited. I got a strange visual effect where <br> everything began to 'melt' somewhat - the effect is similar to what would <br> happen if you sprayed water on a watercolor painting. This only lasted a <br> short while. I felt a mild increase in the trip's 'weirdness' factor, but <br> overall it seemed to make no real big difference to the character of the <br> trip - I think I was already too far out for it to have any effect. I <br> wasn't very disappointed, not being very fond of ketamine to begin with. <br> <br> I got back on the chatroom and had a great time talking about <br> tripping with everyone for a while. Around 5AM, I decided to take a little <br> bit of DPT to boost myself back up a little. It added a little vibrational <br> signature to the trip, and brought back some intensity, but didn't add a <br> whole lot to the trip, as I only did a small quantity (25mg at most). <br> <br> 2 or 3 hours later I got an email from some guy in Serbia who had <br> emailed us a few times before. It was a picture of a peace sign overlaid <br> on a potleaf. I decided to go to CNN's web s ite and saw a headline saying <br> the war in Kosovo could be over by the end of the weekend. I made a <br> little prayer for peace. <br> <br> Around 7AM, I had dropped down to a level where I was mainly <br> stimulated, more than tripping, and decided it was time to take a little <br> GHB to make myself sleepy. No such luck! I ended up consuming enough GHB <br> to tranquilize a herd of elephants over the next 6 hours, and barely <br> noticed any effect over the lingering LSD stimulation. I finally managed <br> to fall into a fitful sleep around 1PM, sleeping until 6, when I woke up <br> physically drained but mentally full of energy. <br> <br> This was one amazing trip, totally worthy of a 10-year anniversary <br> celebration! And it was a spectacular reunion with an old, trusted friend. <br> I won't be letting it go that long again before I schedule another date <br> with my beloved Lady Sidney the Divine...<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1999</td><td width="90">ExpID: 2385</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 30, 2001</td><td>Views: 59,256</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=2385&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=2385&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">GHB (25), DPT (21), LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/5meo_dmt/">5-MeO-DMT</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> <b>Sex on LSDMT </b> <p> date of occurrence: 31 October 1986 time of occurrence: approx 11:30 pm pacific standard non-time my age at the time was twenty one and a third </p><hr> <p> the momenternity that never started & never really ended - although my relationship with the partner who granted it to me did. </p><p> that all does not matter now, the mundanities-inanities-insanities that diverged our two paths. i found a better path & a better someone to walk it with. and that soul and i are deeply meshed, and we have taken some fine trips. but i digress...we must speak of a fascinating combination of 3 three letter words... </p><p> in 1986, acid and psychedelia in general were my life's central joy. it was halloween of 1986, and i was about to do something i had not ever heard about anyone experiencing, and to this day, i have still not ever heard of anyone having done this besides myself. i was going to engage in an act of sexual intercourse while on acid and at the peak moment i was going to take a very large lungful of DMT. </p><p> when night fell everything looked to be in order. i was globulating on my usual lysergica for three-or-so hours prior at the house in Oakland belonging to my ex-boyfriend, J. and a close female friend K. who had also been involved in some sex things with me and a few other people for a short while lived there as well. we all frequently took acid and mushrooms together as we were psychedelically compatible. </p><p> things were working well...i was sitting with K for about an hour beforehand and mostly what we did was laughing and hallucinating silly pee-wee's playhouse-type things. </p><p> so it was decided that the evening would go on as planned..... </p><p> as the time grew close to visit the nth level...i got so keyed up and excited that i thought the adrenaline was going to cause my innards to be tickled so much i would not be able to ingest the dimethyltryptamine properly. </p><p> it takes skill to smoke DMT right. you really have to breathe at just the right rate and hold the stuff in.as long as possible. part of you really instinctively wants to not do this because of the chemical-lab taste of the stuff. i think part of it is also that it is such an almost-exact analogue of your neurotransmission fluid that your real neurotransmitters get jealous. :-) </p><p> i remember earlier that day, i had been reading 'the bachman books' by stephen king under a pseudonym he once used...the story called 'the long walk' was in my head...a terribly chilling tale, that...it gave me a tincture of death-fear, but i shrugged this off as being entirely appropriate considering it was the eve of all saint's day...the day of the dead. </p><p> i had the image in my mind, relating to the story, an image of being the finalist in a great contest after which everyone else had already passed away to their next-worlds...and i was about to pass onto mine. </p><p> J. and i got into bed & turned all the lights off...except for the blacklite...and a single black candle. the music we put on the stereo was throbbing gristle, the album called _third & final report_ i was a dedicated industrial music officionado...a daughter of chaos, a grim little apocalypse/epoch-collapse girl. everything was very solemn, our happiness wore the blackmask of flat affect. some understand this sort of thing,some don't....i have had people wonder how in hell i could even consider taking acid and tripping to such chaos-inducing harsh noise as throbbing gristle. i just shrugged at them and smiled. it was just something i did. something i would do again...many times. i still do sometimes even now, though as much as it discomfits me at times to know this, in my old age i have mellowed. (shiver) </p><p> well, we were peaking on the acid and getting really into it. we started to move our slithery limbs glittery-trailingly over each other's bodies. </p><p> i was aware of the grid-lines of orgone energy we were emanating...they were deep purple, which was good. when we are unwell or depressed the purple fades to greyed-outedness...when we are alarmed they flare red with that scary-for-real fight/flight stuff. </p><p> he entered me and we fucked on acid for a few hundred centuries...which is always extremely good for me, in and of itself. </p><p> i saw images of great power and control which is a common thing for me, a theme that frequently repeats...as i found these things to be very sexy and arousing...and i was really getting off on my hallucinations of machines and missiles and phallocentric tools of doom. </p><p> this probably sounds sick and twisted, but you have to keep in mind that it was the mid-eighties, and we lived in a subculture of this time - and that this kind of thing was very 'hip' in that particular culture matrix. it symbolized a sort of resignation, an acceptance of what we'd all once believed was impending near-to-come nuclear war death by merging apocalyptic ambience with orgasmicity. </p><p> i don't get off on pain or seeing people get hurt, or get into using power for coercion, or anything like that. i always did believe real power was persuasion - that leads to true mind control and it can be used for good or evil or just for it's own sake. i mostly got off on the latter sort of moral alignment: i was, and am - a chaotic neutral, you might say. </p><p> on the level i was experiencing all this imagery, it was metaphorical in nature. essentially i was getting off on the concept of power, control, and how it goes up against chaos, and chaos goes up against control. i now consider these things to be akin to gods: the highest recognizable forces in the multiverse. </p><p> as the tape reached side two it was...time for the experiment. i felt flushed with anticipation. </p><p> i had done about 5 DMT trips by this time so i was plenty in the know about how to deal with its intensities. my partner also knew what to expect from me after doing it several times himself. i took the glass blown pipe, fitted with VERY thin screens, which he held, while being inside of me in the missionary position. i have always found most favourable position for sex, with me underneath the male, as in this configuration, gravity is doing the most advantageous things for me. :-) </p><p> i inhaled deeply. i closed my lips and </p><p> held my breathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh </p><p> +(((((!!!paintsmell!!!paintsmell!!!paintsmell!!!)))))+ </p><p><br> FFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO00000000000000000uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm -- -- - -. </p><p> twistwistwistwistwistwist///twistwistwistwistwistwist </p><p> insideoutsideinsideoutside///insideoutsideinsideoutsidein </p><pre> CYLINDER! MASTER CYLINDER THE SIZE OF A SPACECRAFT NO... SIZE OF A MONOLITH...! MASTER CYLINDER THE GOD'S CYLINDER... BECOMING >==== MILES & MILES IN LENGTH ====> i do not FEEL it - i AM it i AM the penis that fills me i AM the void it is filling i AM the SPACE BETWEEN two bodies i AM black hole eating white light i AM the destroyer of stars and the creator of void i am a pinpoint filled by a solid LIGHTYEARS IN SIZE LENGTH///WIDTH///HEIGHT TIME///MOTION///FRICTION THHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM THHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM THHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM THHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM that sound! i am not hearing it i AM it. ???sound??? not EVEN as this is 'ear-unheard-by-brain-sound' heard by pre-nerve connecting to ear, that hears by funneling sounds into this nerve and from this nerve into BLACK HOLE of the brainpan. i am impossible geometry being schlanged by impossible geometry. i am the hypercube-4D-tesseract being fucked by a klein bottle inside of a sideways figure eight i am ZERO divided by infinity i am INFINITY multiplied by zero then it ended and i was--- </pre> - ]]] snapped [[[ - <p> suddenly back into regular acid-space - <br> which - though this is something i still find hard to believe - <br> felt like mundanity (!!!)<br> try to imagine what it would take to cause that! </p><p> and i could hear (with regular ears, now) the last song on the album was playing and genesis p. orridge was singing: </p><p> 'is that blood...blood on the floor...? is that blood...blood on the floor...? is that blood...blood on the floor...?' </p><p> i lay on the floor feeling my body and all its fluids returning to me - or me to it </p><p> J. told me that when it started i had dropped totally out of consciousness and it was like fucking a corpse - of course he knew that wasn't what was going on. but still. despite it being halloween and despite our proclivities for that 'sicko' noise-music, it sort of didn't seem like he had a very good experience. this was my experiment though. we thought of trying it with him doing the DMT but it wouldn't have worked. he'd not be able to sustain an erection. </p><p> tough luck, boys. this is one for the girls to do..... unless you like or don't mind being a backdoor man: to put it bluntly, that's the only way it could work. </p><p> you have to be on the receiving end because you're just not at all inside your body while this is happening. </p><p> the great experiment of 1986 was a success. for years afterward though, i became o b s e s s e d c o m p l e t e l y with this experience. </p><p> i could write or paint nothing without it as the subject matter. </p><p> true power is my greatest turn-on - there is nothing - NOTHING - more erotic to me than the twistyturvy warfucklove between CHAOS and CONTROL </p><p> i got closer to it than i ever got in my life with the LSD/DMT/SEX thing. </p><p> like i pointed out, i have never ever heard of anyone else taking this combination and doing this particular thing while doing it. i find it strange to be the only one (in my knowledge) who's ever gotten that far, and been that high up/out. </p><p> some day maybe i would like to do it again, but with my current lover, who i have much better physical and mental rapport with. that very rapport has caused me to finally let this heavy psychedelic thing become a wonderful memory and not an obsession, though. i mean, given the chance i would do it again, but he's just so on-turned i don't need the acid to get off with him. it's like he is a hallucination. </p><p> five years i have been living and loving with him and sometimes i still wonder how he could be real. he certainly improved the real world for me. there's not much in it i find interesting other than him and the internet and digital art. i never thought that i'd go years without tripping and not care that much and it's all because of him. maybe the experiment was just an experiment, a story to tell. </p><p> weird thing, my relationship with j. pretty much began to collapse in 1987. i don't know if it hasd anything to do with the lsdmt but it put a kind of pall on the memory. maybe i had just gone so far some part of me was under the illusion that there was no where else to go with that individual. that's a retrospective thought though, i didn't think this at the time. there were other unrelated problems probably more important to the collapse. </p><p> it was, as i said, all for the better. J. is still a friend and i will never forget halloween night 1986. -thraam<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> </p><table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1986</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9473</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Sep 17, 2001</td><td>Views: 184,554</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9473&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9473&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), 5-MeO-DMT (58) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Glowing Experiences (4), Mystical Experiences (9), Sex Discussion (14), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I am a very experienced LSD user, and an avid reader of Erowid's reports. I am frequently surprised by the lack of clear and reliable information that my fellow psychonauts have had going into their first LSD experience, or in cases where ignorance has led to disaster. So, with this in mind, I wish to relate to you my own experience with an unknown source and potency of the drug, and why it is so very very very important not to leave these things to chance (unless, of course, you are keen to go mad). <br> <br> The day in question started fairly normally -- it was a saturday in mid-summer, beautiful weather, I was in a good mood, and had most of the day at my disposal . . . so I decided to go down to the waterfront (the place in my town where it is most easy to pick up drugs on the street) to buy a vial of acid. This was mistake #1. <br> <br> When I got down there, I almost immediately made contact with an older woman, perhaps 40 or 50, who claimed to have amber liquid in great quantities. Indeed, this was true -- she had a small makeup jar that was filled with probably 300 or more hits of the brown liquid (maybe a 1/4 cup of the stuff). She took my vial, a small binaca dropper, dipped it in, and sucked up probably 30 or 40 hits. She charged me only $20 for this, so I began to wonder if it was really acid at all . . . usually I paid more like two or three bucks a hit, and this worked out to about 50 cents each . . . but I bought it anyway and took off. <br> <br> It was probably somewhere around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, at this point. I walked several blocks to the mall in downtown, and retreated in a public restroom to drop a few hits. I dropped 2, noted they tasted slightly of liquor, then left to walk the mall. This was mistake #2. People have told me before (and now I tell others) that you should ALWAYS drop only one, or even less, when you have bought a batch of unknown potency. <br> <br> No more than perhaps ten or fifteen minutes later, I was in a software store, looking at video games, we a sudden, quickly-rising sense of panic and apprehension came over me. I began to think, 'Perhaps it was poison, or they mixed it improperly! I might be about to die!' I left the store immediately and sat down on a bench in the mall's atrium, trying to get my head straight. I remembered in the past that music had calmed me when I felt anxious on LSD, so I got out my CD player and tried to listen to acoustic guitar music, but even that was way too much. And I was freaking out because I was like 20 minutes into the trip -- not even close to the peak -- and I was already overwhelmed. Fortunately, even at this point, I was a fairly experienced solo tripper, so even with my mind out in space, my body was functioning on a basic survival sort of level. <br> <br> I left the mall in a great hurry and walked to the nearest bus stop to catch a bus home. Had I known the story of Albert Hofmann's second (and intentional) trip, I might've described my feelings at this point as he did at the onset of his trip: 'extreme personal crisis'. Though I waited about 5 minutes, it seemed like an eternity. There were hundreds of people out on the streets, and every one of them seemed to be mutated or twisted in a unclear sort of way. The bricks that made up the sidewalk sent up half-visible smokily twisting versions of themselves, and stretched and bent about people's feet as they walked by. <br> <br> Being on the bus was even more frightening. Though I knew all of this was in my head, it didn't take away the hallucinations of mad chattering that I was hearing, nor did it curb the panic that had risen and was still rising in me. <br> <br> When I got off the bus, still some 10 blocks from my house, I was alarmed to find that in addition to the wild visual and auditory hallucinations, I was beginning to have difficulties in the physical realm as well. As I crossed the road (which too was frightening -- I had no trust in any of the drivers not to run me over, despite the fact that the stoplight was quite clearly red) the pavement began to feel as if it were slowly rolling and jumping up and down under my feet. Trees moved and waved in rapid, almost violent profusions of color and pattern, and I began to worry that I might be left completely mad from this trip, that my mind might never come back. <br> <br> Once I got home, I lay down on my bed and attempted to center myself and meditate, get some kind of grip on reality, but my thoughts felt like energetic fluid, far too volatile to be controlled. I saw huge, swift blue slashes of lightning arcing and chasing across my ceiling. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and found that the side of my house was flowing up and down simultaneously, much more rapidly than I was accustomed to on acid. Unreal, half-visible geometric boxes encased the smoke that rose from my cigarette, and I thought to myself, this is the true nature of LSD, a drug that must command great respect, not only for the wisdom it can uncover, but also for its power to drive the unprepared completely mad. It is a drug meant for those with great mental strength, and little fear of its ego-slaying properties. <br> <br> I realized somewhere in my random mental wanderings out on that deck that half the reason I was freaking out was that I was alone. So, once again operating in survival mode, I called my friend A, and explained that I had take 2 hits of LSD, but that the effect I'd gotten was far more potent than I'd expected, and that I was in need of some companionship. <br> 'Damn,' she said, 'You sound SO loaded.' <br> <br> I agreed that this was in fact the case. She told me that she had to go to work, but would send my friend B over in a minute to watch over me. After I hung up with her, I felt better, knowing at least if I was going to go mad, I wouldn't be alone. <br> <br> It seemed to take forever for B to arrive, but once he did, we put in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and sat down to watch. Oddly enough, though I was still grilling incredibly hard, once B was there, talking with a fellow LSD user (though he was completely straight at the time) and the comedic atmosphere of the movie combined to make me feel much better. At this point I would say I was having a good time again. B and I hung out for several hours that night, but when he went home at about 11 pm, I was still completely fried. I stayed up most of the night reading Greek myth and listening to Pink Floyd. I think I finally came down somewhere around noon the next day, but felt odd and slightly tweaky for a good week or so afterwards. Also, previous to this experience, I'd never really had any lasting after-effects from doing hallucinogens, but to this day I still see tracers and what I refer to as 'rainbow trash', a sort of static-like colorful profusion of afterimages that lightly sprinkle my vision. I understand that these are symptoms of HPPD, though they have never really caused me any particular problems, and they have subsided somewhat with time. <br> <br> So, I say in conclusion, if you are going to do LSD, do it with a known source (hopefully a friend), do it in moderation (for the least after-effects and paranoia/fear), don't do it too often (can you imagine LSD getting boring? sounds unlikely but I've experienced it), and for God's sake don't do it anyplace you can't easily and quickly leave if things do start to go south. If you respect these things, LSD will respect you, and a wide world of knowledge, creativity, and self-discovery await.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 17624</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 28, 2002</td><td>Views: 96,258</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=17624&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=17624&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), HPPD / Lasting Visuals (40), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I have experienced with LSD approximately 15-20 times. This was not necessarily a bad trip, just an uncomfortable one..... <br> <br> We started out at 4pm, ate the tabs and called for a cab to take us to the hills where we wouldn't be bothered by reality. Earlier that day we wrote down our address on a piece of paper and took it with us, in the event that we wanted to go home before we sober up, we could hand the paper to the cab driver, and he would handle the rest. <br> <br> The hills are about a 10 minute drive from the house. As soon as we arrived, I was already feeling funny. There was a porta potty nearby, so I went in. My friends were talking outside and the sounds were noticebly strange. We hiked for about 10 minutes, and I was feeling really tingly, and could not stop smiling! Now it had been about a total of thirty minutes since we dropped. I was amazed at the speed of the effects coming on. Walking down the trail a little more now, things are buzzing, butterflies are cicling with magnificant trails following, like a million rays of light, all red and yellow. There were two ladies walking their dogs that stopped to chat about 30 feet away from us. This made me really uncomfortable. I was beginning to feel the paranoia that I always do, but a little stronger this time. At first I could make out what the two ladies were saying, but within a couple of minutes, it was all a bunch of mush.....just like Charlie Brown's mom. <br> <br> We moved to a different spot, as hard as it was for me to walk at this point. My legs felt like rubber, and I could not stop laughing. At this point the hallucinations were starting. I thought there were 10 or so people walking around, all with dogs. I asked my boyfriend if it was real, and he said no. Laying on the grass for about another hour or so I think......15 seconds seems like an hour sometimes. My boyfriend was running up and down the hill like he was a mad man, just full of energy saying 'Yahoo, isn't this fun??' I could not move. I wanted something, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. I could just not get comfortable, so we moved again. This time into a crater-like bowl shape on the side of a hill. Getting really dark now, there were so many things to see in this 'crater'. Trees moving, faces forming within the rocks and making faces at me, the grass breathing. I suddenly felt like the crater was closing in on me. I could no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got scared and wanted to go home. Uneasy, and not wanting to spoil everyone else's time, I went with the flow. <br> <br> Next we moved up to the top of the hill where we get an incredible view of the freeway and all of the lights. It was cold, and scary out there. I was at a place where I just wanted to stare at the lights with all of the energy shooting off in the sky. The clouds forming animals and people dancing. I could not focus my eyes on one single thing, they were jumping all over the place. I think one of the reasons I didn't have a better time is because it was dark, and I could not tell if there was someone (from reality world) standing right in front of me or not. I had to remind myself that I was not going to stay like this. 'It's just a drug' I kept telling myself. My wonderful man sitting there trying to comfort me but it just wouldn't work. Suddenly a BRIGHT light goes on in the residential area below us. My boyfriend yells 'Everybody Down!' We lay there in complete silence. I could hear all of our hearts beating LOUD. I thought it was a cop and we weren't supposed to be there. The most horrible things were going through my head. I was afraid I would be forced to talk to him or something. Then the light goes off. <br> <br> I was still afraid to look. Finally my man says 'It's ok, it was only somebody's motion sensor light in their yard.' Holy smokes. My pupils were so huge, that a mere porch ligh from 200 feet away seemed like a cop spotlight. At this time I convinced everyone to go home. I wanted a comfortable place that I was farmiliar with. We ventured on down the hill throught these massive sticks sticking out of the ground as tall as we were all around us. We obviously lost track of the trail, and could not find it. I was practically running down the hill, frightened almost like someone was chasing me. My boyfriend kept trying to hold me back and slow me down. This only made me feel worse. I was still peaking really good. I could see the end of the trail that meets the main road. It would look like it was 10 feet in front of my face. I would take 30 more steps, and look up, and I was still as far away from the end as I was the last time I looked. This went on for another 10 - 15 minutes, or so I thought before we were level. <br> <br> We were now walking through a swamp that was about 1 foot deep. I felt like I was sinking in quick sand. When we got out of the swampy area I reached down to feel my pants, only to find that they were completely dry! Not even any mud. :) Hehe. Phew, almost home free, then CRAP! We have reached a freakin' dead end. A wire fence all the way areound us. But this was never here before??? AAAAAHHHHH.....I think everyone was a little freaked out about this. It was a very trapped feeling, almost clausterphobic. I remember hearing screams from a child near by and parents yelling. I started running. We found the end of the fence, and called a cab. How did my boyfriend call a cab??? How could he possibly even speak? This made me think he was coming down, and I didn't like the feeling of having to finish my peak alone. Waiting for the cab on the curb for what seemed like a whole night, listening to my boyfriend talk about normal real things like the economy, and buying a house someday. I just could not comprehend this. Here comes five pairs of headlights! <br> <br> Yeah, the cab is here. We walked towards the van, waving it down. When it stops, we realize it wasn't a cab, it was a mom with a carload of kids inside. Boy, she must have thought we were loopy. I am discouraged once again. The next car that came was in fact the cab. We got in and looked at the strange looking man about to take our lives into his hands. He never said a word to us. It was like he sensed our energy or something. Going up and down hills felt like a roller coaster ride, hearing all of the creaks and cracks inside the car, with the radio on so low, but yet it was like we were at a concert. Stop lights stayed red for an eternity, watching 500,000 cars in cross traffic going by. It was hard to make out where we were even though I've lived here for 12 years. <br> <br> Still peaking in the cab, as soon as we got home and walked inside it was like the world came back all within 10 seconds. I was no longer peaking, but still feeling effects. We put on the Doors, and it rocked us to sleep. <br> <br> Next time, I am going to do it all during the day time. I can't fight it. I really just have to go with it. I am humble, and bow down to the acid gods. Pretty powerful stuff.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 7528</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Mar 31, 2003</td><td>Views: 107,636</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=7528&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=7528&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">98 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> i'm thinking back 33 years. i was 25 then, graduated from college and married to a graduate student in political science. the acid was made by a grad student in chemistry in ann arbor. we knew and trusted the source. my husband took it a couple of times and eventually i decided to try it. i'd thought about it and it was a genuine decision. i think all of that was important. there was no second guessing the decision or fears about what was in that tab. <br> <br> i took it early in the evening. i sat on the couch and waited. not long. i felt a physical sensation like going up in a fast elevator. i remember wondering if this was part of the chemical effect or my way experiencing the words 'getting high.' i also remember paying attention as best i could to the process of it taking effect and remember a clear realization that this was a great power and that if i fought it, i'd lose. no contest. so it was a reaffirmation of my decision to go with it no matter what cause the time to consider was over. <br> <br> my husband sat down in the chair across from me. flames outlined his body. i wondered if that was his aura. seemed to fit him. <br> <br> the 'visuals' of this trip were amazing to me and vivid. for example: i was sitting, looking at the formica top of the kitchen table. really i was seeing a landscape with bones protruding from the ground beneath the trees. in the distance a woman beckoned and i followed, walking beneath a tree in which two people sat on a branch talking. i followed this wraith-like, raggedy lady for awhile. eventually she stopped at the mouth of a dark cave and turned to wave me forward. i stopped. no. the entire place vanished leaving the table top as before. <br> <br> the term 'visuals' doesn't capture the sense of being there that i had with much of what i saw. most of the visuals, and there were many, had that quality of actually being there. <br> <br> but i would not say that the hallucinations were the most remarkable aspect of the trip for me. in fact i would have to say that they were negligible in comparison to the profound sense, the absolute conviction that i was okay. that i was enough. that i had a right to be here. <br> <br> i had seen many things before. well, these were just other things i was seeing. i had been places before. well these were just new places. But never ever before in my whole life had i felt absolutely at ease and at home inside my own skin. it was a revelation. and it was the most astonishing vision of the whole trip. <br> <br> at about 1am we walked out to buy a pack of cigarettes. the bar on the corner was open so in we went. in the time it took us to cross the threshold and walk 5 feet inside the entire place fell silent with everyone staring at us. my husband looked at me, but i just went forward and asked the bartender for a pack of camels and we left. we stood on the corner a moment wondering what that had been about when suddenly a patron of the place exited foot first. he'd kicked the door open, swearing and tore off down the street. the only thing we could ever come up with to explain this odd scenario is that the neighborhood we lived in was home to a lot of illegal aliens and perhaps this was their bar and we didn't belong. <br> <br> but the interesting part to me is that this would have freaked me out in my normal condition and tripping it stayed exactly what it was. just a minor glitch. it was okay that i didn't know what they were thinking. it was okay that they assigned a meaning to us being there that was not accurate. it was okay. i was okay. <br> <br> at dawn it was waning. i listened to the band do 'rockin' chair' and could hear all the layers. i cried. 'it's my belief we've used up all our time; this hill's too steep to climb and the days that remain ain't worth a dime...' broke my heart to come down. but nobody stays. <br> <br> i went to bed after that. so sad... until the cartoon of two hilarious chickens started on the wall of the room. just like a parting gift. i laughed till i cried again -- then fell asleep. <br> <br> i tripped a few times again after that. not many. every time it was a visit home to myself. to me without all the unnecessary social baggage of anxiety, guilt, shame, competition, comparison and rigid conformity. how well i lived without all that! <br> <br> the other day one of my sons was listening to a terence mckenna tape. mckenna said that his life happened years ago in the amazon and that, in a sense, the time since has been throw-away. i feel that way a bit myself. <br> <br> but not really. lsd taught me. gave me a glimpse. lsd showed me what was valuable and necessary and what was just baggage. showed me what i was dealing with and in what direction to head. i never got over that. i hope i never do.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1970</td><td width="90">ExpID: 24362</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jun 9, 2003</td><td>Views: 107,199</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=24362&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=24362&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Mystical Experiences (9), Health Benefits (32), Entities / Beings (37), Personal Preparation (45), Retrospective / Summary (11), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaginal</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaginal</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaginal</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaginal</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2cb/">2C-B</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaginal</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/alprazolam/">Pharms - Alprazolam</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/acacia/">Acacia</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This report describes a group experiment undertaken by 8 women curious about the potential effects of vaginal administration of drugs. Some of these women had gathered together previously for group tripping in a relaxed, socializing “slumber party” setting. Most of these women had met at least once before the experimental evening and knew each other quite well. Previous slumber parties involved about 5-8 women ages 24 to 60 showing up at one woman’s house with a selection of psychoactives plus food for the next morning. These gatherings involve making a comfy nest in the living room, chatting a bit, sharing information about what psychoactives we’ve brought to share, and then deciding what to take based on what’s available and what we’re feeling like. At the previous slumber party, available compounds included: MDMA, LSD, 2C-B, 2C-T-21, 2C-I, TMA-2, acacia resin, mescaline-containing cactus extract, ketamine [IM and intranasal], cannabis, nitrous oxide, and GHB. <br> <br> This slumber party was convened with the intention to administer primarily LSD [paper tabs] intravaginally and noting response. One woman abstained from the LSD and took 2C-B instead (following by ketamine). Two took MDMA intravaginally in veggie capsules in addition to the LSD. Another abstained from LSD and took alprazolam instead and served as scribe. One participant imagined that she would have to take more [5 hits rather than one] for this method of administration, but the majority operating assumption was that we should “take less” than a typical oral social dose. This came in part from one story a participant had heard of adverse reactions (i.e. heart attack) from women whose partners had put cocaine on their cocks before intercourse, as well as experiences of rectal administration. <br> <br> Unless otherwise specified, all doses below were administered vaginally. We noted age, weight, medications, point in the menstrual cycle, and astrological info (sun/moon/ascendant. hey why not). All women are still menstruating [no one menopausal]. Chocolate was ingested by the majority of the participants prior to administration. A small altar was set up with objects of personal significance. Note: the LSD blotter imprint was “condoms”, the irony was not lost on us. <br> <br> BE: 26 y.o., 165 lbs., no meds, irregular menstruation [doesn’t bleed every month]. Aries, Aries, Sagitarius. <br> She took 1 hit of blotter acid vag., followed by another hit at T+1:00. After second hit, “definitely feeling something.” <br> <br> MJ: 33 y.o., 132 lbs., meds: acid blocker, anti-inflammatory (one steroidal), asthma meds, birth control; <br> Aquarius, Pisces, Libra. <br> She took 1 hit of blotter acid vag, followed by 50 mg MDMA vag. at T+0:25 and a hit of blotter acid at T+1:00. <br> After 25 min., she is burping which is normally an alert associated with nausea, but there’s no nausea this time. After 35 min. she’s having a little trouble with linear speech. After 1 hour she is feeling “off baseline”. Shortly after that she checks and comments “cunt smells sweeter, and tastes like E.” At T1:20 she takes 60 more mg MDMA vaginally, and at T2:30 announces she’s “off baseline.” <br> <br> DJ: 37 y.o., 120 lbs., no meds, post-ovulation, Sagitarius, Cancer, Capricorn. <br> She took 1 hit of blotter acid vag, followed by 50 mg MDMA vag. at T+0:25 and a hit of blotter acid at T+1:00. <br> After 35 minutes she notices alerts, and “cunt feels hot.” After 1 hour, “feeling the acid but not the E.” At T1:20 she takes 60 more mg MDMA vaginally, and at T2:00 announces she’s “starting to feel my E.” Next morning after waking up, “cunt smells sweet.” The most surprising datapoint for the whole experiment was when at T+18 the next day, DJ had sex with her husband and it potentiated the MDMA that she hadn’t really fully felt the night before! <br> <br> DC: 42 y.o., 127 lbs., meds: birth control pills, menstruating and has a yeast infection, Leo, Aries, Sagitarius. <br> She took 1 hit of blotter acid vag., then another after one hour. At T+2:30, “Well I say, I’m not going to get high tonight.” <br> <br> HC: 39 y.o., 160 lbs., no meds, post-menstrual, Virgo, Scorpio, Scorpio. <br> She took 1 hit of blotter acid vag, and 175 mg MDMA orally. Nothing notable to report. <br> <br> IK: 30 y.o., 140 lbs., meds: birth control pills, pre-menstrual, Virgo sun. <br> She took 2 hit of blotter acid vag. and 100 mg MDMA orally. Felt higher than the rest but 'at 50%' nonetheless. <br> <br> DL: 24 y.o., 130 lbs., no meds, ovulating. Taurus, Taurus, Virgo <br> She took 10 mg 2C-B vag. [normal oral dose is 17 mg] <br> After 10 minutes, feeling “fluttery,” “I’m feeling high.” After 40 minutes, “cunt feels hot” followed by “I’m high” and “feeling it in my body, it’s not in my head.” After 2 hours, “Not really feeling high. Would be feeling this dose more if it were oral.” <br> <br> T+2:20 – 50 ml vag. ketamine. Lay on her back with her hips up in the air, used a syringe with the needle taken off, some spilled, conclusion: “We don’t have the tools for proper administration.” Fifteen minutes after the ketamine, “I feel heavy”, feeling a typical K sensation that she feels under her chin, feeling more mobile and verbal than this dose would feel like if taken IM. After 25 minutes, felt a distinct sensation of cold in a ring around the labia right where the hair stops. <br> <br> Scribe: 33 y.o., 123 lbs., no meds, pre-ovulation, Cancer, Cancer, Scorpio. <br> She took .25 mg of alprazolam vag. <br> Recently diagnosed with “colpospasm” (spasming of pelvic muscles) so general low-level discomfort in pelvic area makes me not want to put any stimulating chemicals in my vagina, and I’m quite familiar with soothing effects of .25 mg of alprazolam so it seems like a good thing to experiment with. At T+0:40, feeling sensations in lower limbs, legs and feet are getting colder. After an hour, feet are uncomfortably cold, and the colpospasm has relaxed a bit, although this may be from being in a generally relaxing social setting. Not feeling typical anxiolytic effects. Would I take this again this way? Maybe just to see, but at a higher dose, like .5 or 1 mg. <br> <br> General comments before time stamped comments: <br> After administration, we realize how cool it would have been to check pH levels before and after. Next time: litmus paper. Generally, we did not get “as high” as a comparable oral dose. Some did not consider they “got high” at all, or just felt “at 50%”, in “the land of alerts”, or “off baseline”. Onset felt slower and attenuated, though alerts began at the same time as expected for an oral dose. No nausea was reported. Consensus seemed that this was not an efficient way of dosing, and that for any future experiments, compounds should be in solution or in some cream form for better dispersion. We agreed that it was good that we were cautious about dose this first time. <br> <br> T+0:35 – topic of conversation is what we’ve just done and what different ways we could experiment with this method of administration, what we can research about women and psychoactives (history, existing data on pharmacology), women’s circles and group tripping, issues related to families, and how there is a lack of visible psychedelic mentors for women. When considering if psychedelics “bring on” or delay menstruation, most participants say that brings it on, two don’t notice if it brings it on, one says it delays her menstruation, and one says she used to have break-through bleeding each time she tripped, before she went on birth control. We considered how since weight can fluctuate during the menstrual cycle, that could influence effects [as well of course as hormone levels]. One participant mentions how European women take aspirin intravaginally and that this way they avoid the stomach upset effects of aspirin. Another participant describes how she makes sexual partners who are tobacco smokers (especially) wash their hands before touching her intimately, because otherwise it stings. <br> <br> T+ 0:45 – Participants starting to feel a little high, subject of conversation turns to sex, sex and boundaries, assumptions about how many people think that mixing sex with psychoactives makes the sex somehow “less real”, that it removes agency. But it really doesn’t, people just have to be clear about intention. <br> <br> T 1:15 – MJ and DJ, who both took MDMA & LSD, notice that one is feeling the effects of the MDMA more quickly, and feels as if her pH is different, that it changed after administration. <br> <br> T+1:45 – general restlessness about “not feeling very high”. Considering what else we should do, and talking about making the experiment not so pure [i.e. boosting orally]. <br> <br> T+2:00 – the only participant really feeling high is the one who took 2 hits of acid and 100 mg oral MDMA to begin with, but she still has described the acid part as “feeling at 50%”. <br> <br> T+3:00 – “land of alerts”, “still coming on”, “not really high.” DJ's husband has been invited over the deliver the nitrous oxide delivery device [whipped cream canister]. He is offered a cartridge of nitrous to enjoy before returning home, and is treated to a pleasant way to augment nitrous oxide inhalation that was refined at a previous slumber party. The person inhaling sits on the floor with all the others in a circle around them. After inhalation, the circle of people make soft strange noises and whisper affirmations and nice things around the person in the middle, moving around to change the location of the sounds and create air movement, generally weaving a sonic web around them. This is a gourmet version of saying 'wa wa wa' to someone on nitrous. After this, the husband promptly left. <br> <br> T+3:30 –This is about where general time stamps taper off because the scribe wanted to get high. Scribe takes 4 ml of GHB (oral), followed by two cartridges of nitrous oxide (inhaled), followed after 15 minutes by 2 bumps of ketamine from a bullet (insufflated). Last notes are “time stamp makes no sense, on K. 1:08 AM, high high high from just 2 bumps of K.” Apparently the GHB made the modest dose of ketamine zoom really hard. <br> <br> By hour 4, all but one person are on ketamine [6 taking 40-70 mg ketamine IM, and 2 take ketamine intranasally], and most partake in smoked acacia resin rolled with a smoking blend that has a little tobacco in it. The tone of the gathering is no longer linear and intellectual, but has generally become a social ketamine trip interjected by a short while of contemplative silence as the acacia joint gets passed around. People are taking turns telling stories and engaging in verbal banter, exclaiming about the states of mind they’re in [“Work with me here, I’m high!!”], stretching or rubbing tense muscles, cuddling, eating grapes, giggling, inhaling nitrous oxide. Soundtrack: Boards of Canada. <br> <br> by 4:30am [T+6:00] LD, BE, DJ are somewhat asleep, others are either wide awake [MJ, “from the acid”], or feeling like it’s time to go to bed. Scribe goes to bed and wakes up the next morning at around 9:30am. Everyone is up but MJ and DJ, who took some clonazepam to go to sleep. <br> <br> Plans are discussed for a future experiment, perhaps with liquid cactus extract. Breakfast snacks followed by group hug to seal in the fun, trust, spirit of experimentation and comeraderie. <br> <br> As mentioned above, the most surprising datapoint is the next day DJ’s MDMA kicked in after she had sex with her husband. Duly noted. <br> <br> Overall, it seemed like the group didn't get very much from vaginal administration, it seemed less effective and efficient than oral administration, but participants would consider another experiment with substances in solution or cream.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 26033</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 11, 2003</td><td>Views: 544,746</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=26033&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=26033&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3), 2C-B (52), Ketamine (31), Pharms - Alprazolam (98) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This report is for those of you who are using psychedelics for their 'spiritual' properties, but haven't quite made the breakthrough you are seeking yet. Other curious parties may be those who wish to augment their spiritual practice with psychedelics or vice-versa. This is a long-winded account that may only be of interest to those who are trying to put the theo- back in entheogens. <br> <br> The premise here is that use of spiritual techniques such as meditation and yoga can greatly aid in psychedelic research, giving one a surfboard to ride on the sea of mind instead of being tossed around to and fro, the waves of thought crashing down on your head time and time again. They give you a true path to keep you grounded during the experience and provide a more spiritually useful context to the whole idea of 'tripping'. <br> <br> Having first tried LSD for its alleged mind-expanding qualities, I was eager to see if I would be one of the lucky few who have a bona-fide mystical experience through psychedelics. Even that first trip changed my life and outlook thereon forever. Upon repetition however, it became clear that I was only sinking more and more deeply into internal confusion and becoming even further separated from my fellow earth citizens. <br> <br> A simple lack in my community (N.America) of an honest, sacred context for using (not abusing) plant teachers forced me to go to the subculture. There I found disease, depravity, death. After several years and several hundred psychedelic trips, I realized that I was only making baby steps in the right direction with the occasional two steps back. <br> <br> The raves, the house parties, the weekend-long acid tests in nature... none of these environments nurtured the spiritual longing that originally called me to psychedelics. Everyone just wanted to party, so I partied with them. For my troubles, I afforded myself many opportunities for guilt, and a marijuana habit to boot. <br> <br> The spiritual texts I had been reading throughout these years pointed to an experience that was out there...out there somewhere, but I sure wasn't having it. I was putting some of the world's finest chemical in my body, but I just wasn't getting it. I knew the goal was real, but I felt that I was at a dead end. It was time to stop, 'At least for now,' I told myself. <br> <br> So I meditated and did yoga every day for six months while managing to put together some length of relative sobriety. For the first time in my life, a new peace, calm and centeredness descended on my being. School, work and relationships were still a challenge, but they were no longer the weary loads I could hardly bear. They became opportunities for me to practice my patience, mindfulness, skill and compassion. Things seemed to have never been better and I was honestly thankful of my station in life. <br> <br> That's when the thing happened. An accidental trip. I was struck by lightning. Not literally; what I mean is the trip chose me this time, instead of me hunting it down. I had moved into a new house, and had been living there for a week or so when I opened up a cabinet to get some item or other. I looked in the cabinet and perfectly at eye level I spied a little glass vial with just maybe one half milliliter of liquid in it. Knowing that the previous occupant traded in lots of acid, it occurred to me that maybe she left some behind. This would not have been surprising since she left so much other stuff behind as well, an understandable oversight. To make sure it wasn't just some essential oil or perfume or whatever, I opened the vial and smelled it: nothing. Then for some reason, without really thinking it through, I put my finger over the open mouth of the vial and turned it upside-down, then put my finger in my mouth. I guess I was thinking that I could tell by the taste if it was really acid. Then it hit me, 'You just dosed yourself.' <br> <br> Instead of freaking out, I just rode it nicely, using my meditative and yogic techniques, alternating between the two. It all fit so well together!! Instead of paying attention to my thoughts, I focused on breath; visions resulted. Yeah, yeah, acid is supposed to give you visions. But this was different. It cannot be described in words because It is beyond words. I was getting worldviews and vistas unlike any at my previous high-dose experiments, and this was low-dose. It was only the one little circle on my finger, not even a full drop (I did remember that batch from when it was fresh, it was just normal strength stuff, not the concentrate designed for transport and dilution). <br> <br> It was such a great little trip. I got over an invisible hump in my meditative path that I wasn't even aware existed before, to a deeper level of inexpressible truth. Even my yoga changed: it transformed from fixed postures and stretching into a fluid-in-motion expression of tangible energy. I could touch it. I could feel it. I knew energy. my universe gifted me in a way that no one can ever take away. I cannot express it. If you know, then you know what I mean. <br> <br> Suffice it to say that this propelled me powerfully on my spiritual path and lent a more sacred context to my psychedelic 'research', which I had temporarily put on hold for the purposes of meditation. This led to another experiment two months later with two hits of blotter. It is hard to talk about such things in words, but I can say that I learned to 'let go'. I had been clutching and grasping for this spiritual truth, trying to grab it, hold it and contain it. It had finally become clear that I had to cease grasping, let go, empty myself and let It flow in. Yes that sounds very Buddhist, and I guess it is. My experience was beginning to confirm the things I had read that sounded so vague and abstract. The words of the Masters came back to me time and again as I saw the Truth manifesting itself before my eyes (eye). <br> <br> These two experiences affected me so much that I'm still spinning (literally) off of them today, but all this was just setting me up for what was to happen Halloween night 1996. Taking a break from work, studies and meditation I decided to go out and party. We hopped around from house to house until we got to a party where they had Kool-Aid acid. It was said that one cup (the little paper kind you find in the bathroom), equaled three hits of average blotter. For some reason, maybe it was the few beers I had, I quickly downed four cups. Lots of other cups sat out on the counter there, with a little left in the bottom; I hungrily downed these as well, many of them containing pieces of the shredded up sheet. (that's how they made the stuff: one 100 hit sheet shredded by hand and left to soak in one pitcher of Kool-Aid for a few hours) <br> <br> Five minutes later I'm starting to feel a major change in perception, and realize that I need to get to a safe place. The walk home had me vacillating between self scorn for stupidly ingesting somewhere between 12 and 20 hits in a thirty-second period and realizing that 'what's done is done, just surf it correctly'. So by the time I got home +15min, I was zooming hard, shaking. I tried to smoke some herb to calm myself down, but I could not load the bowl. <br> <br> So I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing and not my thought-stream running wildly out of control. That was when the thunderbird revealed itself to me; over the red desert, the blue bird manifested. Before I realized it, I was on my feet in excitement. Thoughts had returned and the vision had vanished. So much energy coursed through my body that I needed to do some yoga. Instead of the traditional postures, I began to spontaneously move in the fluid way I had been practicing since that last trip. I began to vibrate and move in a way that might have been described by an outside observer as break-dancing. Thirty minutes of this stuff had me mapping out every possible position of my body. That first 'accidental' trip initiated me into it, but this experience sealed my union with what I have heard referred to as The Flow, Liquid and spontaneous yoga. Much more could be said here about this part, but that is one for another report. <br> <br> Channelling all that energy enabled me to take to the cushion again, where I used another technique I had been trying: listening to the ringing in my ears. This helped me normally in sober meditation to let go of thoughts; much like breathing, it gave me something else to pay attention to. But unlike the state of neutrality and emptiness that resulted from doing it sober, this again led to a striking vision, only this time it was purely audio. Ringing became buzzing became whirling became screeching became clanging became hissing and on and on. The addition of each new sound did not mean the departure of the last, they all stayed in focus and gelled together in a harmonious cacophony that was at once beautiful and delightful, if not a little scary. It finally crescendoed in an audio vista that seemed to include every possible frequency that my ear can detect all resounding at once. it sounded like Om. <br> <br> Eventually, my focus came to rest, once again, on my internal chatter. It was now more than ever before clear to me that my focus was the main factor. Not focusing on thoughts seemed to be a requirement for having these 'true hallucinations.' At any rate, this type of thing went on all night and into the morning. Some of these closed-eye visions lasted hours while seeming infinitesimally short; many lasted mere seconds but yet seemed to last forever. <br> <br> A common theme was that at the beginning of each vision, fear tempted me to go no further, but if I saw the truth for myself, it was liberating, bringing in more light, allowing me to sense a higher Love. At each turn the viewer can bail out and return to normal thought by taking the bait. In the beginning, the bait is fear ('don't look at this next thing or something bad will happen') later the bait is an egotistical excitement ('Wow!.._I_ am finally seeing the Truth, Me, Me, I, etc). To maintain the states one must not take the bait and instead focus on what Is. <br> <br> The most compelling part of this experience and the part that has had the longest-lasting and most important impact on my life was a direct result of inner stillness. Lying on my mat, letting IT take me over, I was taken into hell-realms. I'm sure many of you know of what I speak. The most excruciating physical pain combines with utter terror in what seems like you are being psychologically gang-raped by demons while insects devour you from the inside out. Instead of squirming in the face of this horror however, my inner stance was one of stillness. To approximate this posture with words: 'ok...what's next?' <br> <br> Well, what was next could still have been termed as very uncomfortable, but everything went up a notch. By up I mean from the fear end of the spectrum towards love. I was still in pain and scared but it eased up somewhat, so at least I felt a little gratitude for that. But instead of thinking about it too much or looking for something to cling to or something to save me, I maintained. 'ok...what's next?' <br> <br> It got better (to use a dualistic word), but still I did not move internally: 'ok...what's next?' Gradually, the feelings moved up, up, up the spectrum, all the while, I remain a rock. Before my naked eye was laid as if in pages of a book what seemed on the order of 10,000 different thought-emotional states. These ranged from the lowest fear up to the highest joy, and they came in order. At the end it felt as though bubblenergy was expanding through every cell in my body (much better than the disco-biscuits of old). Everything was perfect and I had once again reached harmony with All That Is. Still I did not move. 'ok...what's next?' <br> <br> What was next is obscured from my current human vision. I can comment however on the lessons that that final moment imprinted on me. Everything is love and fear. but since fear is a lower form of love, then everything is love. god is love. everything is god. one cannot point at something that is not part of god. god/devil, love/fear are only creations of our limited thought-state. in the world beyond our dualistic logic, everything is what it is. everything is everything. <br> <br> This non-dual mindset gives us the ultimate gift: freedom. Your reaction is truly your choice. That is what makes us human. The input you receive can be of the highest amplitude fear frequency but you can still choose to output love. I later learned that this is called transmutation. <br> It is the most selfless, compassionate gift you can give to your universe, your planet, your fellow people. <br> <br> In the 7.5 years since this occurrence I’ve only used psychedelics a handful of times. Now I need it much less frequently and on the occasion that I do feel it might be helpful, I can get so much more out of the experience by taking so much less. By turning off my internal chatter (by which I mean not pay attention to it) I can download all this information from what can rightly be termed the Other Side (of Self). <br> <br> It's actually been a couple of years since I’ve had a proper trip. The experience and its impact are so great that I feel it would be sacrilege to use it when unnecessary. Besides, the calm waters of my mind may be disturbed by turbulent forces. Meditation has focused my awareness to such an extent that it carries over into my dreams, providing me with many opportunities for what you may call lucid dreaming. And if I ever feel the call, the peruvianus out in the back yard will provide nicely =) <br> <br> So to give some advice, if I may, to those psychedelic researchers who are seeking but not finding: slow down, use less frequently and when you do use, do so in a sacred context. Don't drop at a keg a party and then expect a merger of creator and creation. Don't trip and smoke pot staring at each other dumbly thinking, 'Who's going to show me The Way.' Don't waste your trip watching the Matrix or listening to your roommate talk about her asshole boyfriend and her crappy job. believe me, seeing how far you can obliterate your mind while staring at the walls trying to 'get visuals' is unlikely to facilitate a re-Union of Mother and child. <br> <br> while these situations may provide you with some room in which to enlighten yourself, it is less likely than when you set up a safe, sacred space in which to explore Self. I highly recommend tripping alone if you are experienced, or with a sitter if you prefer. trip partners can work too, but often they only provide each other with distraction from The Work. If you plan to do a high dose experiment, be it acid, shrooms, cacti or oral DMT (debatably the most useful of earth's compounds) you may feel more comfortable having someone else within reach. But make sure it is someone who will stay out of your face and just sit quietly on the other side of the house and let you trip. They will be there if you think are dying and need to go to the hospital, or if you think you are permanently insane. They will silently check up on you from time to time to make sure everything is within normal limits. Their job is not to keep you entertained but to keep you physically safe while you explore the depths of consciousness. <br> <br> The most useful advice, I believe, is to develop your skill with 'normal' spiritual practices and then once you feel comfortable with them, try doing it while tripping. Learn at least one form of stillness (emptiness) meditation and one moving form (yoga, tai chi, etc). some types of meditation are hindered by psychedelics; some seem to be aided by them. most however are simply different. If you are really interested in subjects like these, check out Zig Zag Zen: Buddhism & Psychedelics. (Badiner/Grey,Chronicle Books 2002) <br> <br> Ultimately, psychedelics seem to me to be helpful in showing the Way, but not taking one there. If I may dust off an old chestnut: 'The map is not the territory,' as one finds out after traveling the road for awhile without psychedelic aid. These plants/drugs are undeniably useful when used with skill in a spiritual context. However, when used in ways less mindful, they can hinder our spiritual growth at worst and at best it's still a roll of the dice in a game where the stakes are high.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 25635</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 2, 2003</td><td>Views: 86,479</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=25635&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=25635&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Meditation (128), LSD (2), Yoga / Bodywork (202) : Various (28), Mystical Experiences (9), Retrospective / Summary (11)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 2:45</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 line</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:59</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Eric sent me a message on ICQ around 10:30. His messages were strange, and after a minute he confirmed my suspicions that he was on acid. He offered me the other hit of acid that he had, and I accepted it. I left my house with my bag. My heart raced with anticipation and anxiety. I was wearing jeans, sandals, and a plaid button-up shirt. I arrived at his house; Eric was outside on the street walking his dog. He called to me. We went inside and, after a short time, I took the acid. We sat on his couch talking and listening to music for a little while before deciding to go out for a walk. <br> <br> We left Eric's house. Eric asked if going for a drive would be good, but I insisted that it was too dangerous to drive while on psychedelics. Eric had also taken some ketamine early on, and when he thought about that he realised how dangerous it would have been. <br> <br> We walked down to a street right along the railroad tracks. We began walking beside the tracks in the unused land which lined them. It was rough; there was lots of undergrowth and I was very conscious of the limitations imposed upon me by my sandals, which truly were not designed to function on such terrain. We walked on for a while. Eventually, the path disappeared. We continued walking along beside the fence separating us from the tracks. Eric brought me to a place where he had put some pennies on the track. Unfortunately, they could not be found. We walked on. <br> <br> We had to climb over some fences and onto people's property to continue on. All this time I was holding the joint that we had rolled before leaving. I began to notice the little lights which cover everything in the dark; it was as if they were overpowering my normal reality. It was now dark outside. <br> <br> After climbing more fences, we found ourselves straying from the fence. Strange things confronted us on the ground -- fallen trees, sticks, mud, etc. I had to get my lighter out to help us see where to go. We kept on moving. <br> <br> Eric was certain that we were almost out. Suddenly, we came to a steep hill. I did not notice it at all. It was way too dark and my mind was beginning to get messed up. Eric kept us both from rolling down this steep hill and being moderately injured. <br> <br> It was at this point that the sweat all over my head caused the coefficient of friction between my head and my glasses to drop below the necessary threshold. My glasses slipped off of my head and fell to the ground...somewhere. I cried out for Eric to help me, as this was not something with which I could easily deal. Eric brought the lighter around and I searched the ground. I couldn't find my glasses. Eric realised that the task was impossible; the glasses had probably fallen down this big hill we were on, and there was no way in hell that we were going to be able to find them in the dark while on acid. I had to leave my glasses behind. <br> <br> Eric turned and brought us out of the woods. The railway bridge crossing over a large ravine was right there, only ten metres away. We carefully found our way down the hill at the site of the bridge until we reached the path in the middle of the ravine. We were both elated, though I was also upset that my glasses had been lost and that I could no longer see properly. <br> <br> After walking up the ravine for a little while, we decided to smoke the joint. I fumbled around in my bag until I produced it, and we smoked that joint. It was nice to have some pot, finally. It relaxed me. Eric's presence and the knowledge that nothing really bad had happened was enough to keep me happy from that point on. We walked until we arrived at an exit from the ravine, where we left and began walking to Eric's house. <br> <br> Once we had arrived at Eric's house, I could finally relax somewhat. My glasses were gone, but everything else was still there. We sat down and listened to some trippy drug music. We had some pop to drink and then ate some sorbet. Eating the sorbet made me think of kissing. <br> <br> I thought about a lot of things while I was sitting there with Eric. I thought about my 'spiritual journey,' so to speak. I thought about the choice of the right path. I thought about the light beings and the darkness. I thought of light as a controlling power and I thought of music, it's total opposite, as the only thing with the courage to openly resist the light. I then thought of how light was the tool of the establishment, that establishment and anti-establishment were the two overriding powers beyond the light and the music. Then I began to think of nature as somehow being behind that, as if at every step, some greater controlling power would emerge. These ideas that I was having were instantly visualised in very trippy ways inside my head. Total abstractions suddenly formed into concrete shapes. The barriers of classification which allow us to make sense of our world melted away, and I was left with no knowledge whatsoever. <br> <br> I tried to think of it in terms of a fundamental question, a fundamental definition for existence. I searched for words to describe the thoughts I was having, but I realised that it was an impossible task. Belief was a concept I could not accept, but at the same time there is nothing else in this world besides that in which you believe. As you can see, it was just impossible for me to make sense of the world. That isn't to say that the sense which one makes of the world when one's mind is not being stimulated in strange ways by powerful entheogens is at all natural. The baseline by which we measure our world is totally contrived. The way we interact with the world is totally based on assumed principles, and that knowledge, the knowledge that nothing could be known, permeated my consciousness. <br> <br> Well, I've been going on a bit of a tangent. This is what I had begun to think about. Eric and I went upstairs and smoked more pot. After looking at some trip art on the crappy computer downstairs, Eric had decided that we needed a computer without such a messed up video card. We went upstairs and smoked pot. <br> <br> Eric then wanted to have some ketamine. We reflected on how ghetto it was to do what we were about to do. Ketamine, for those of you who don't know, is a chemical injected into animals to make them unconscious. It comes in the form of a white powder. I first found that revolting, but then I realised that any solid formed by a commercial chemical process is going to be a precipitate, so unless it's otherwise altered, it would come out as a powder at the end. We rolled up a twenty-dollar bill and snorted these tiny little lines of ketamine. There was something a bit gross about that. <br> <br> The ketamine made me quite relaxed, but it didn't dull my thoughts at all. In fact, it made them more intense. I left Eric's house because he wanted to clean himself. I can't blame him -- we were filthy. <br> <br> As I was walking home, I had crazy thoughts about the nature of __________. I'm sorry that I can't put a word to it, but that's what it was. It was that which was and yet was not. I first thought of it in terms of the question of existence. Everything formed this shape, like the shape that a dividing cell makes with the highest concentrations of chromosomes at each end, but all the stretched out chromosomes in the middle. This bulb with two poles was the visualisation of the idea I was having. I imagined that all of reality could be reflected by this shape. Here's how the shape worked: the two poles were yes and no. Everything between them was competition between those opposites. This was the continuation of the idea I had been having before. I asked myself if the question 'Is there existence?' could have caused this thing, this reality which is before us. As much as everything was real, it was also unreal. Nothing was certain, and my brain was caught in a feedback loop trying to process this paradox. <br> <br> I believe that the origins of my being able to think that way came from the acid while the ketamine just made it more intense and connected. <br> <br> When I got home around 2 in the morning, my mother was watching TV. I decided that going in and possibly interacting with her was a perilous thing indeed since trying to bluff my way through the acid would have been impossible. I imagined my mom asking where my glasses were. Then she might have seen my dilated pupils and it all would have been over. That's the sort of thing which could have turned my trip bad; I couldn't risk it. So, I walked away from the house. I had been writing on my palm pilot (I'm a geek, a technophile -- that's why I have one) while walking home, as you saw above. I sat down near my house and thought about it all. I began to see this as the latest challenge -- going home and just getting in. There was nothing I could do but go. I walked home. Thankfully, my mother had by then gone to bed and I was able to sneak upstairs without a social collision. <br> <br> Once I got to my room, I felt the need to document everything as much as possible. I began writing about my experience (which was continuing). I felt acutely alone. I chatted a bit with a friend over the internet to try and keep my mood swings, of which I was becoming more conscious, in check. I watched some TV on my computer and I listened to a little music. Typing, after a while, became emotionally painful after a while. It got to the point where I could only type for a minute or two at a time before being overwhelmed. Watching TV gave me stability and happiness, though. I felt like I was walking the line between a good trip and a bad trip, though. <br> <br> After a while, I decided to have a shower. It had been quite some time, and I was definitely coming down off of the acid. My mind began to return more to normal functioning, and I felt more in control of the situation. I recoreded a video of my sleep, just for fun. Sleep was strange. Everything was strange. I left the trip-world when I woke up at 12:15 pm with James calling me, asking me where I was and whether or not I was going to come and get him to go play D&D. Well, I was back to normal by then, but my task of processing the previous night had just begun. I don't know if it will end anytime soon. <br> <br> What have I decided so far? Well, acid is good. Acid is powerful and must be handled carefully, but overall it's good. We took as much care as we could, never having tried acid before. If I ever do acid again, it will be safer. Ketamine, at least for me, should not be taken while on acid. I found that too intense. Ketamine is a more fucked up drug, in some ways; apparently, it can be physically addictive and will probably fuck up your mind if you use it regularly. <br> <br> Eric told me that a trip would change who I was, and that I would go wherever I wanted to go. I went where I wanted to go; I feel as if there has been continuity between my acid trip and my other spiritual experiences over the past few months. It was a little difficult at times, especially when I lost my glasses and we were in the woods in the dark, but even more so when I was at home, essentially alone, trying to make sense of it all. <br> <br> I really enjoyed pot. I believe that pot is a universal thing which everyone can enjoy. Acid is a little different. I think more people should try acid, but anyone wanting to try it has to be sure that he's up to it. I'm glad to know that my mind is strong. I was afraid that my mind would not be strong enough to get through being on acid, but it was, and I believe I am better because of it. I do not know whether or not I will do acid again, but it will probably be a while before I do, if I decide to do it again.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9174</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Dec 5, 2003</td><td>Views: 192,360</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9174&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9174&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Ketamine (31), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/fluoxetine/">Pharms - Fluoxetine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">190 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> It was a beautiful summer day. I was camping with my best friend, J, and we each dropped three hits of some pretty strong acid. She was a much more experienced tripper; I had only done it once before and only one hit. However, it was such an enjoyable experience, I thought “triple the acid, triple the fun….” . Wrong. That way madness lies. <br> <br> The visuals were intense to say the least. We spent the day hiking and tripping and having a hell of a good time. We hiked down a long trail toward a waterfall. The waterfall and the lake at the bottom were full of people, and it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. There were people of all races and nationalities just being together in nature. J and I made our way to the edge of the falls and met a couple there. I remember J telling them that we had just gotten engaged (!?) and they congratulated us. That was weird, but I just figured J was off in her own lala-land, and decided to file that information away for future digestion. <br> <br> Things started to get weird. The visuals stopped. Dead. All the swirlies and tracers and fractals. Gone. Everything was silent except for a very low humming or buzzing sound that seemed to spring from the very fabric of the Universe. The people were still there, but I barely noticed them. They weren’t real anyway. They were just a part of the fabric of reality that I had constructed to hide from myself the awful truth that I was, and always had been, God. My entire past life, I now realized, was only a shadow, just a story that I had been playing out for eternity. The job of God is lonely. The sole being of the Universe has no one to talk to. <br> <br> I had no concept of the fact that I had done drugs. I knew that I had been awakened to perform some task. I then realized that I wasn’t alone in the Universe. I was only half, the other half was feminine. I remember seeing her (not really seeing with my eyes, but with LSD goggles, I guess) standing above the waterfall. She was old, terribly old, and brown. I then knew what my job was, and how I played into the cosmic order. My job was to die. <br> <br> I realized that it was the summer solstice (it was, actually) and it was time for the Earth to end the birth process and begin preparing for death to occur in the fall. Energy flowed from Me that kept the plants and animals alive and the Sun warm. On this day, I must shut down the flow of energy to keep the natural cycle of the world flowing. To do this, I had to die. I would be reborn again on the Winter solstice to bring life back, and then die again next summer. This was the way it had always been. I looked at Her (the old brown woman) and asked (not verbally, but I asked somehow) if it had to be this way. Yes, it had to be. <br> <br> Ok, so I’m the dying God. Birth and death. She remains constant, the passive force, but I was the active force. She never experiences great suffering, but never great joy either. I am free to feel both. I realized that my past life that I had constructed had been foolish. There had been so much suffering. Why do that when I could construct any reality I want. I asked Her if I could enjoy this (my constructed reality) and she said (again, not in words) “I don’t care as long as the cycle continues.” <br> <br> Well, ok then. I can do whatever I want. I then realized how silly it was that I was wearing clothes. Off with them, then (anyway, those other people around the pond aren’t real). I can dance and sing and shout. Naked. In a public park. Why not? <br> <br> A ranger, notified by some of the other pond people (maybe they were real after all), took offense at my joymaking and suggested that it would perhaps be a good idea to consider replacing my clothing. I have no idea what time it was, but it was starting to get dark, so it had probably been six or seven hours since dropping the hits, and I guess I was coming down a little. Anyway, I remembered that I had done drugs and had taken all my clothes off and scared the hell out of a bunch of people. I didn’t realize that the man was a park ranger. I thought he was a cop coming to arrest me for killing J (!?). Somehow, I had gotten it into my head that I had pushed her off a cliff during my stupor (I hadn’t…she had just wandered away somewhere). Suddenly, my life was over. I was going to jail for the rest of my life. All my big dreams and plans….gone. And my parents, god, I didn’t want to think about them. This was going to kill them. <br> <br> The ranger escorted me up to the office (I was now properly clothed) and asked me if I was on drugs. Yes, I said. No point in lying, I can’t make it any worse. He asked if I was ok and if I needed to go to the hospital. Shock. So, I thought, maybe I’m not being arrested! Maybe I didn’t kill her…..I just didn’t know. <br> <br> Well, I eventually met back up with J (fully alive) and we made our way back to the campsite. The ranger was a very cool person, and could have easily called the cops. Lucky me. Even though I didn’t hurt J or myself or anyone else, I could have and I am very fortunate that I did not. <br> <br> I’m not convinced that my experience was entirely a drug crazed hallucination. I sometimes wonder if I didn’t tap into something very deep on that summer solstice at the base of the waterfall. I’ll never know, because I’ll never do acid again. I tripped a few more times, and always came back to the God story. Fortunately, I was able to keep enough of my sanity to not act out anymore. I’m just not the type that can handle it. I see things that I don’t want to see. <br> <br> As an end note, I was also on prozac at the time. I wonder if this is what caused my incredibly unusual tripping behavior. Considering how prozac affects the brain, I think it is very likely.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 13206</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Dec 15, 2004</td><td>Views: 75,444</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=13206&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=13206&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Nature / Outdoors (23), Entities / Beings (37), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:50</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 11:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cup</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/caffeine/">Caffeine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">68 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I decided to give acid another shot - to say goodbye. Maybe for good. I had a lot of previous experience with psychedelic drugs, and this one specifically was one of my favorites. I had reached a place in my life when I thought that I need to get on with my life, and that maybe this substance doesn't have a place in it. So, for all the good memories and wonderful experiences I owed, I felt this one was a necessary celebration of a period of time. A celebration of the free spirit. <br> <br> The first thing I did was to get my music ready. I had picked 6 CDs of music that I wanted to hear during this experience. Aphex Twin - I Care Because You Do was the first choice, since his music gets in touch very deeply and very fast with my psychedelic side. The second choice was Shiva Chandra - Gecko, because this album is pure acid music, very minimal, very psychedelic, very powerful. The third album was The Mystery of the Thirteen Crystal Skulls - a compilation by TIP World, one of the veteran labels of the psychedelic trance genre. The fourth choice was Ozric Tentacles - Floating Seeds Remixed, a deep psychedelic electronic journey. The other two were just a few tracks I collected. In short, very visual and very powerful psychedelic and electronic music. <br> <br> I got some of that popping candy, that you put in your mouth and it explodes. Just for the experience of feeling it inside my mouth. I like it when acid touches all of the senses and makes them become one, and this is very strong on the touch/taste department. Water was not necessary, since I wanted most of the trip to be in my living room, and had easy access to it. Some cigarettes, a nasty habit but one that helps keep a good sense of focus through the trip, some marijuana for the explicit purpose of making the acid jump back into full blast when I'm between peaks and want to rush it forward some more. No chewing gum, to prevent grinding my teeth in excess of what would normally happen, and to keep my concentration on my trip. <br> <br> I already had 3 big and powerful blotters of acid, with an estimated 350 micrograms each (from previous experiences with these blotters). <span class="erowid-note">[Erowid Note: Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.] </span> My previous experience with these type of blotters was emotional and deep. And this time, I didn't forget my wristwatch, so I can keep track of time somehow. I wanted to document this experience. I guess this text is in a way the sum of the experience while it's still fresh in my mind. <br> <br> 00:00 - I just took the acid. I'm psychologically in a great mood for the trip, my anticipation knows no end. Something that I gained through practice - now I had not only setting, but a good set as well. I put Aphex Twin on my system, I kept the volume not too high, in order not to wake anyone up. <br> <br> 00:35 - I feel weird. The first waves are starting to hit me. Wave after wave after wave of this substance is working into every bit of my conciousness. I turn on the TV with no sound, and press play to the X-Men DVD that was inside the player. I was a huge comics fan when I was 13, and the X-Men were one of my favorites. I feel Proffesor X and Magneto clashing head to head, I see Wolverine turning from a simple good man into a ferocious killing machine and back in seconds. I can't follow what's happening, I'm too busy analyzing. Visual flexing of the stereosystem is extremely appearant. Things are starting to get extrememly distorted. Aphex Twin's unstable logic is starting to play with me. I must replace music while I still can. I feel the power of this trip starting to course through my body. Shiva Chandra with his acid friendly music is my choice. <br> <br> 01:15 - Shiva Chandra is definately getting me into this. I'm dancing around, in a wierd tribal pattern adapted from the music. Visual distortion of everything becomes more appearant, everything is twisting and my the colors split - there is no longer pure black over white, but rather colors on the edges. Wolverine keeps on looking younger and then old and angry and then innocent and good and ping pongs between these emotions. It was amazingly impressive seeing Mystique change shapes and stuff. Wow. Shiva Chandra - Vierenkrach is a track that's divided so well into different parts and cycles. I can feel the crazy grooves of the music pulling deeper and deeper. Not one sound is out of place. This guy is a genius at telling acidic stories with his music. I notice only 2 minutes of the track have gone past me. How can he fit so much into so little? It never ceases to amaze me - the way acid makes the music dominant. <br> <br> Is it the other way around? <br> <br> What's happening here? My hand is starting to grow bigger... as I move it around and enjoy some wild tracing. I took off my shirt and started moving with the music again. The whole room is pulsating, everything is melting into each other. All my senses are mixed together, sound, sight, my perceptioon of time? How long have I been here in this trip? Hours? <br> <br> 01:45 - One of my rare looks at my watch. Must stop the music, let my brain rest from this intensity. I go and have a smoke. I try to make a phone call to someone, but I can't find the use of it, who would understand the place I'm in anyways? Can I communicate? My mind is swimming from idea to idea to idea to idea, I look around my room. I put on the Ozric Tentacles remix album. Get a more calm and tribal feel. I notice I've taken off my shirt some time ago... When was that again? Time to pick a new shirt. One of my bright rave shirts. Ohh well, I go outside to the garden. Now, my neighbor's house looks like it came out of Shogun. I can see the trees I have outside growing and dancing. I feel the energies swimming around me, I'm not sure what I'm stepping in (it's my lawn, I know this, but how come I'm sinking into it? Why is the ground so unevennnnnnnnennenenennnenn) but I'm barefoot, and I feel a strong connection with the dew on the floor ground, I loved the tingling sensation. The music is calling me now. I must leave, can't run away from something that's stronger than me. <br> <br> 02:15 - My sense of time is totally distorted. All of my senses are blended together. Sight and sound and time become one, and within a second I can see a lifetime of temporal revelations. Time is looping around me, everything is going in slow circular cycles. I don't know what's happening, but it's something wonderful and amazing. A man on the moon amazing. A man reaching the sky and grabbing the stars to swallow them. Why is this not exciting me though? What is this entity called time? Why is it looking at me? I think I may be getting the fear. I know this has been there before. I switch my mind to a differnt line again. This revelation is too dark for me. <br> <br> 03:00 - Another cigarette, wow, I have no idea what reality used to be like. I've been living in the moment forever, and the moment was a spiral forward - not a straight line. My living room just melts into the background while I have a complete visual melding of everything. I need to go to the toilet. Pissing never took me so long, and the colors of everything never seemed to change so much during this action... Wait, my toilet never changes color. Oh well. I can see the entire glowing colors around me twisting and twisting. Color is the music. I need something else now. I go to my computer, and start playing some of the music I have there. Hallucinogen - LSD was my first natural choice. Starting with Ken Kessey's long speech about how acid develops new thoughts, and then deeply into the music. Time is going around me. I think the acid is dropping from one of its main peaks. I try and communicate with the world through an IRC chat. A bad connection to the internet and my thought process is too mixed up for this. I can't communicate with people from this world properly. I haven't felt the richness of the music like this for ages. By the end of each track, I feel like I just lived through an amazingly intense story, not of sound, but real life in different places. I'll always be amazed at the effects of psychedelic trance music on acid. I take some of the popping candy, and let it pop in my mouth. The sensation is that of soft explosions in my mouth. I don't feel the taste at all. <br> <br> 03:30 - back to the living room again. Better sound system, I change the music to some Vangelis, but his sea of calm is not interesting enough for me. I want something else. I decide against The Doors, for reasons of self preservation I guess. I put on some Green Nuns of the Revolution (green nunions) and then ManMadeMan - Desire (Bumbling Loons remix). I'm seeing the sink... Maybe I should drink some water. Interesting how things like thirst seem insignificant until I can solve that problem. <br> <br> 03:50 - I can finally return back to our reality enough to find a movie on DVD... My little brother's Pokemon is still hanging around in my living room. Hmmm, never saw it on acid, let's see if the stereotype is right. After 12 minutes of this insanity, I just thought 'this is stupid'. I ended this chapter. I wanted the acid to kick back to full strength, so I took out my bong, filled it with water, and put some of the premade mix I had with me (added some tabacco to the weed in order for it too burn better). Thank god I had made the bong and the mix earlier, or there would be no way I would have been able to do this in the state I am in now. I looked for some matches, and ended up looking at some Chinese art I had in my bedroom. The Chinese artwork I bought in Sydney is amazing. A picture becomes a protecting spirit, captured in one moment, but alive all the less. My carved wood dragon is communicating with me, moving around in my hands, glowing. I don't hear him, but he's very alive. Very small chimes start pulsating in and out. Eventually, I put everything on the floor. I feel I'm ready to do something. Ohh yeah, I wanted to smoke weed. <br> <br> Since everything is basically ready and I found my matches in no time at all (well, time is insignificant anyways, but it's a nice sense of accomplishment). Why did I lose my lighter? Well, I accept that. I'm calm. I smoke a head and a half. The taste in my mouth is disgusting... My sense of taste is back. More water. <br> <br> 04:15 - The Magical Mystery Tour. I owed it to myself to see it at least once on a high dosage of acid. I take some popping candy, try and pour some on my hand. It spills a bit. The tingling in my mouth has no place. I don't know where I'm feeling it, there is a huge space in my mouth now. Ohhh, the movie is starting. For an hour, I was on that bus, driving around with everyone there, living through the whole time. The entirety I felt, being a part of that journey, it was such a big feeling... Every time I'd look at the time of the DVD it would have moved forward a minute or two, my brain is processing information at incredible speeds. Pokemon was just way too simple. But the tour, it was ridiculous, marvelous, living it, being it, the chase, the scenery, being a part of everything, the range of emotions that passed through me, it was beautiful. With the tour guide saying 'but on this side' and then the music kicked in, I was completely swallowed. I was for that one hour, another man on the bus, invisible but seeing it all happen. Living it all. Wow. <br> <br> 05:15 - Shiva Chandra again. The Magical Mystery Tour is over. It seemed to fade into its own compartment. This time, I know what I want to hear in the album. Man, this guy just keeps you so deep in his music. THIS, is music for acid. I'm beginning to sense time returning back to normal, which is good, because I need to clean up the mess I left of my place. Luckily, I'm a very organized (well, about as much as possible) person on acid (I'm a pretty experienced tripper, I just toss things where I'll look for them), and I didn't lose anything. Not even the keys. I see all kinds of things from my trip thrown around. I notice the floor is still distorting. I go back to the toilet, look into the mirror. I see myself as a rather good person. Beyond all of the layers of thought that I pealed today, I found myself needing this trip to sort myself out. It worked, at the moment. <br> <br> 05:50 - I read all kinds of memories, the way they affected me, how blind I was not to allow myself freedom from them. Loops in time, looping back into the past, pictures of pokemon and magic busses somehow meld themselves into 'now', everything is as it should be. I became Buddha for a moment, not the actual person, but the idea. Freedom through acceptance of my surroundings, only much deeper. I went outside to the garden again. This time, I can see flower pedals all over my lawn from a plum tree. These flowers will become the tastiest plums I will ever taste. The sun is in its rise, and the warmth of the day and the beauty of the surrounding swamp me. I do some yoga outdoors, focusing all of these energies for fun. I open my eyes, and I'm ready for the rest of my life. <br> <br> 06:20 - The visual distortions are nearly all gone, from time to time I see a vortex distorting in a wall, but not nearly as intense as it was half an hour ago, and much less so than half an hour before that. Time is still speeding up somewhat, back from spiraling into the orderly line of day to day life. Still not near normal though. <br> <br> 07:00 - I get some order into everything around me, I go into bed. I'm having bizzare dreams (wait, I'm awake, or not... My eyes are closed, I know this) and revelations (or dreams?), but spiritual calm has already been achieved. These can not take me away from the warm feeling of the bed. Have I vanished somehow? Am I still here? <br> <br> Does it matter? <br> <br> no. <br> <br> 11:30 - I'm wake up... Everything is the same, but I'm not nearly back to baseline. I drink a cup of coffee, read the paper (well, I stay away from the ugly bits of humanity and stick to sports, my home team had a good game). Nothing interesting. I'm going to call a friend on the phone soon. Maybe I should eat something? Not yet. <br> <br> 12:00 - I call a friend of mine. He tells me he's waking up. I'm already babbling about what a cool experience I had, when I notice that right now I'm feeling about 100 micrograms in my system. It isn't much compared to what happened earlier, but it's still there. He wants to go back to sleep a bit more. I decide just to chill out some more. <br> <br> 13:00 - there's still a strong sense of coming back to the acidic reality. I have to write this down. I start trying to remember all of the things that happened tonight, but well, I didn't even scratch the surface of it. This has been a powerful experience. I start writing down the experience. That brings us up to date, and I'm happy I didn't wait before I started writing this. It's still coursing through my system now, but now it's at a stage I can communicate with the outside world properly. This world is once again my playground. <br> <br> 18:20 - Here I am, adding finishing touches, clearing my memory paths and looking back into the reality. I'm not at baseline. I'm at around a 40 microgram feel now. I refrained from smoking any more pot throughout the day. Maybe later, in a different environment. Is this the end of my affair with psychedelics? It would be a beautiful end to the story. Only time can tell. <br> <br> I lived through time. Saw past it. The stable unstability is starting to fade in my mind. This wasn't a deep trip compared to a few others I had, but it was one of the most intense. Was it my best trip ever? <br> <br> ... who knows, but it was one wild magical mystery tour.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 13448</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Mar 4, 2005</td><td>Views: 101,136</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=13448&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=13448&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">200 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis - Hash</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(tar / resin)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">200 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> If LSD or another Psychedelic has left you dangled, confused, afraid and tormented; … Breathe… In time the trauma will unravel… <br> <br> You have found a difficult path, but you are OK. Living will still have beauty. You are not alone. I have seen total eclipse without hope of day. It took years but I am happy with a loving partner and a healthy sane life. I am a better, more aware, more caring and happier person than I would have been without these experiences. I would not change the choices I’ve made: <br> <br> It started with 2 hits of Blue Microdot. The 16 hours or more of tripping was only the beginning. It took years for me to stitch myself back together. <br> <br> I ate 1 and a Half hits of LSD, and I insufillated another half. Then I smoked about .2 grams of Hash. <br> <br> All ready I felt uneasy, that something wasn’t right. It didn’t take long before nothing was right. <br> <br> It is unexplainable… Beyond a thought, or feeling, or sense. A door opened… I was flooded with a new “seeing”. I was unprepared and resisted. This is when I met with insanity. <br> <br> I won’t go into the details of my complex and confused mind. It still give me shivers. I’ll just say that without a doubt that I was now insane, and going to stay that way for the rest of my life. <br> <br> Metaphors grew out of nothing. A string of strange coincidences and some strong acid made me believe that I was suddenly in on some syndicate that operated on a psychic level., through metaphors and “feelings”. I was being welcomed into the circle. Insanity was a network. I didn’t want to be a part of but it was too late. Then I “realized” I wasn’t insane but “dead” I had Overdosed on LSD (I now know this is impossible) and I was riding in limbo needing to choose heaven or hell. My cousin who I was close to all my life was cool with smoking cigarettes, weed and was high on the same LSD(having a great time with it I might add) became to me, a manifestation of Satan. <br> <br> My older brother who was as clean as they come and totally naive to drugs became to me a manifestation of Jesus. Of course I followed him around all night bugging the shit out of him to take me to heaven. This scared the ever living shit out of him. At one point I pissed my pants on purpose to try and convince myself I was still alive… But the trip had roots… and that was not enough to snap me out of it. <br> <br> I was willing to do anything he suggested… However with his inexperience he would tell me to do things like go to sleep… Go lay down in my room with the lights off. There my body would feel as though it was disappearing.. That I was slipping into hell. (I wish now that I would have let go and experienced my inner workings). I lept out of bed and did anything I could think of to get to heaven. I even tried calling my parents who were away on vacation. I went through my peak doing these random and frantic things as I was certain I was going to fall into hell at any moment. <br> <br> That night was long. As my cousin and I came down from our trips he ultimately talked me into finally going to bed and getting some sleep… I don’t recall if I actually ever slept. He left the next afternoon. <br> <br> What is most formative and important is the week, and then, years afterward. A journey few people will ever make in this life. The first week I spent afraid, confused, unable to eat or sleep. Alone in a true dementia. I’d watch Television and it would be spewing messages directly to me. EVERYTHING was a metaphor for heaven or hell, or a message from this syndicate. I began to believe this blanket of metaphor was a secret code that the world spoke and I was getting hip to it. Going down to Strawberry fields. Still, nothing really made sense… all a jumble. <br> <br> One night that week I went to a friends house and believed every sentence they said to one another was linked to my dementia. Another close friend, who definitely knew I was in trouble said that he believed life was a test… and that everything had a reasonable and rational answer. Dunno if that’s absolutely true, but it snapped me into my first taste of reality in over a week. <br> <br> I decide it was time to drive home to my parents house to reconcile my mind. I entered the house not really knowing what to say or do… I began telling them about this experience I had… Telling them that I had achieved a higher state of consciousness… etc. They looked frightened and confused. I realized that so was I. Suddenly I broke down… Began telling them about my use of LSD, Marijuana and other Drugs, how I was out of my mind, paranoid and afraid. Just the facts. My mother cried and my Father listened stone silent. That night was the most relieving and uplifting of my life. Likely the most difficult for my parents… all they could do was listen and hug me… This ladies and gents was way out of there league. I knew it… I knew I was teaching them. What mattered was that I was in a place where I was loved and accepted. <br> I was 16 years old and I slept on the floor at the foot of their bed. I released all my secrets. If there is a sacred confession. This was it… I was cleansed by fire. I felt as though I rose from ashes… and I did. That night I was utterly humbled and humiliated by existence. I was a child again but also evolved. <br> <br> The next week I didn’t leave my parents house I helped them with various jobs and house projects… If I found spare time, I’d find something to fill it. <br> <br> It was like every day I died.. and re-awoke. Every day I teetered between heaven and hell. Small decisions like “Which juice shall I buy and drink?” were wrapped in meaning and metaphor that extended beyond daily life, seemingly deciding my eternal fate. Just under everything was a mechanism, a test or a plot… Unraveling. I saw powers that we are all capable of… The power to live or to die any moment… I began seeing through the facades of judgment and morality. My learned belief systems eroded and were replaced with experience. <br> <br> I’d raise my concerns with a close friend who had had similar experiences. He would console me, encourage me to believe in what was in front of me, work with what I knew and be wise not to open up these thoughts to the wrong people, as most would just label me insane and become afraid of me. He was of course totally right and a good friend for his patience and protection. <br> <br> For a time I lived my life shadowing my true thoughts and feelings about daily situations. I made some stunning life decisions. I traveled overseas alone to search my soul and mind. I shed all my addictions, tobacco, TV, caffeine, sex, all drugs, and even meat/processed foods. This was all between the ages of 16 and 23. It took me over a year till I could even talk to my cousin again. Many more till I could truly trust him. <br> <br> I wish that databases such as Erowid, The Shroomery etc. existed when I went through this journey. Their help could have turned this vicious, horrific and difficult experience into something meaning full and useful from the beginning. <br> <br> Much of my “delusions” weren’t so at all. This life, this existence is a blanket of meaning and metaphor. Everything we see, touch, hear is a creation of our own perceptions. This can drive you mad, or make you powerful, exalted and blissful. <br> <br> I am 27 as I write this. The lessons and impressions left by the LSD trip, the full week of dementia and the years of re-evaluating evolved me to a state of consciousness few ever reach. I am at peace with myself and my existence. I don’t want to die, but I am virtually unafraid of it. I see through the bullshit of war, violence and destruction. I seek and participate in peace. I believe we all wish to. LSD helped push these to the front of my consciousness. I had to go through hell. But these moments I now live are truly awake and free. <br> <br> To this day I wonder if I'm actually “alive” or if I’m alone - A drifting consciousness lingering in an endless construct of my own imagination - It doesn’t matter really. I found peace.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1995</td><td width="90">ExpID: 43800</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jun 25, 2005</td><td>Views: 99,976</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=43800&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=43800&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> So, well, I guess I'll start from the begining and tell this whole tale in a linear sort of way, complete with numbers on a clock, distances, and so on. This is how I remember it all, and it's surprisingly fresh in my memory too. Be forewarned, however, that it probably won't make much sense to the outside observer - you had to be there. But back then in the heart of the immense maelstrom it made perfect sense, the bizarre logic was pure and simple and undeniable. It was, as I would say near the end of the ordeal when I began to regain my grip on reality (or rather normalcy), as if someone had stretched reality - space and time - to the size of the entire Universe while at the same time crushed it into something the size of a marble, and then, in the end, obliterated it all completely. But it was more than that. It was a journey into my inner-universal depths where I was taught, firsthand, lessons of a lifetime. It was as if someone froze one millionth of a milli-millisecond of time in my brain and one millionth of milli-millimeter of space in my brain and crushed it into a miniscule bubble where I could explore freely, all while they stretched it out across the entire cosmos. And it was all in my mind all along. This whole affair didn't really teach me anything new, it just let me experience the knowledge of my brain first hand. <br> <br> It was decided, T and I would take the acid on Saturday afternoon. We'd talked about it for a while and concluded that it was worth a try. So we made our intentions for the journey clear and awaited whatever it was that would greet us on the other side of the drug we slipped into our tea. I must say that is was both nothing what I expected and exactly what I expected at the same time. My intentions, though, are what made it what it was. <br> <br> ~part1~ <br> we drank our tea spiked with three sugarcubes of LSD and waited. At first I wondered if it would work at all. Maybe the sugar had broken down the chemical already, making it useless. Maybe the sugarcubes didn't really contain any LSD at all, although I was pretty convinced against that idea recalling the strange undefinable taste the tainted sugarcubes left in my tea. Time passed anxiously with no signs of what was to come. I took off my watch, not wanting to be bothered with the analytical thoughts which usually fill my mind. Time still crept slowly on. I began to see reflections in T's glasses more clearly; was I beginning to trip or was this me being hypercritical of my thoughts, overly aware due to the anticipation of real visions to come? The candle on the table flashed out of the corner of my eye and when I looked at it directly it seemed somewhat brighter, more luminous. I got up from my seat on the floor feeling strange sensations in my body, mostly my legs and an upset stomach, and decided that a chair with some back support would be desirable. I sat across from T and we talked. She seemed miles away, though there was probably only five feet or so between us. She had an upset stomach as well, so she put her hand upon the disturbance, claiming that her hand felt incredibly warm. I decided I had to go sit with T on the couch. <br> <br> Moving my legs to walk over felt somehow foreign, but I bridged the gigantic gulf between us with relative ease quite quickly. We sat together and hugged. T put her hand on my stomach and it felt incredibly warm and comforting, 'like a heating pad' I mentioned. Nikido, T's cat, wandered in looking for some affection. It rubbed up against us and wanted to stand on my knee, but I soon became anxious with the cats presence on my body, in my energy field, and had to shoo it away. It stood for a while at the end of the couch and eyed us curiously, obviously knowing something was up. We told Nikido it was okay, we were just experimenting. She seemed okay with that. I began to see T and Nikido and I as living beings. Yes, I could instantly tell the living beings in the room apart from the inanimate objects; there was a strange aura around us three, a faint grey shroud covering our bodies. I watched the ceiling for a minute, the patterns from the paint moving slightly, a queer optical illusion. We sat together for a while but I began to feel antsy, my body was bursting full of restless energy. I stood up and walked around the living room. 'My legs alternatingly feel weightless and then all of a sudden leaden like they're made of sand,' I told T. <br> <br> I began noticing ever so slight changes in perception. I remember wondering if this was it, thinking I had expected something far different, something more, and I began to desire a deeper experience - I wanted it to be more profound, not just some silly optical illusions. That's something I grapple with in my real life too, the desire for more more more, instead of simply relaxing into the present experience and enjoying it for all its beauty and magnificence. T and I got thirsty and headed to the kitchen for some water. We both held our water glasses tightly, and I over the sink. 'I feel like I'm gonna drop this glass,' I told T. She laughed and held her glass tight. We talked more about this and that as the visuals became stranger. T said she saw some sort of mask in the window across from hers. I couldn't see the mask but I could see the bricks in the adjacent building moving in and out of the wall. I suddenly had to pee. I left the kitchen and headed down the hall. I was only gone for a minute but it felt much longer and I was very anxious to get back to T. Washing up I saw my face in the mirror and it appeared much more round than usual, a great sphere. I saw every pimple on my face magnified and some began to erupt like volcanoes. The same self-consciousness (though even more intense) from my everyday life hit me, but, thankfully, it vanished after I looked away and headed back to the kitchen. <br> <br> I suddenly felt extremely cold and had to put on my sweater. T began explaining something to me which I cannot now remember and, in fact, I don't think I was listening very well. It was becoming increasingly difficult to consciously focus my attention on any one thing, though when my attention was focused it was my full attention and I could observe things more thoroughly in ways I never could before. A half opened cupboard door looked like it was swinging towards me from out my peripheral vision. I turned sharply and it stood still. I closed it tightly. 'It's getting kind of hard to speak straight,' I told T. 'It's getting tough to turn thoughts into words, the ideas all get jumbled up in the process.' Then, 'it's quite a process turning abstract thoughts into concrete words. Thoughts and words are so totally different but they need each other for the sake of communication,' (though probably not quite so wordy). T had to go to the bathroom (I think) and I decided I liked the living room a bit better than the kitchen so I sauntered on in there. The happy birthday balloon I had picked up earlier became a great toy, bouncing it off my hand, observing its weightlessness. ‘Every time I hit this up in the air its a new feeling,' I thought. <br> <br> Someone walked outside for a smoke and I saw them through the window. I watched her go about her business, this strange human ghost of reality, and felt as if I had to hide, she could see me through the window. I ducked into the corner and marveled at her wordly confidence mask as she acted out her life. After she went back inside I watched another person brush the snow off their car while they pretended to be confident, self-assured. T came back into the room and we bounced our blue balloon back and forth. I explained the incident with her neighbour to her. 'That's kind of like me in my life.' she told me. 'Both literally and figuratively.' 'It's funny how we all hide within ourselves sometimes and are scared to let others see what's inside,' said I. We discussed this fear, this self-doubt, for a minute and it felt like we were really resolving these issues within ourselves; dissolving our fear. We soon decided we should go outside; we were starting to get quite high and quite restless, and besides it was getting dark out. We went to get our jackets and shoes on. I began to see Nikido out of the corner of my eye wherever I went. Really it was just shoes and socks and backpacks and various other inanimate objects scattered about the floor but in my peripheral vision it looked like T's cat. Then I'd turn and . . . socks, just socks. <br> <br> I wanted to find the real Nikido though and went on a mission to do that, finding her on the corner of T's bed, just where I thought she'd be; almost like I already knew. We conversed nose to nose for a moment then it was back to the mission - get on warm winter clothes. The sun was beginning to set and we wanted to get outside quickly before it was dark, but that was not such an easy task. My perception of time was beginning to become skewered but it must have taken quite a while to get dressed and ready to go. I had made a great friend of our blue balloon, which seemed to grow and shrink as I held it in my hand, and I realized that I had become quite emotionally attached to it. It was something that gave me comfort and, much like in real life, I had great difficulty giving it up. T giggled at me trying to put my socks on with the balloon in my one hand and then in my lap, sitting. Eventually I decided the balloon must go and with a substantial amount of difficuly I set it on the floor, forgetting about it almost immediately. I grabbed some granola bars and oranges for our journey into the outside world (unneeded where we were going) and got dressed with surprising ease. Even my shoelaces were a snap. T packed a backpack full of stuff (water and who knows what) and took a considerable amount of time longer than I did. <br> <br> I began to get somewhat frustrated with waiting for her, another cross-over from regular life. I need to be more patient with her sometimes I think. Even though I don't often show signs of my impatience and frustration on the outside I tend to internalize it and that's probably even worse, building up resentment and more and more frustration. But at the time it really didn't bother me too much for I had plenty to keep me occupied. She finally got ready and I felt like we were going on a long journey, which I related to T. 'We are,' she told me rather matter-of-fact-ly. And we two brave inner-universal timespace explorers set off. T worried that Nikido had somehow gotten out of the apartment but I knew just where to find her - on her throne at the end of T's bed, 'her center, her place of power' (T's words) - right where I had left her. <br> <br> ~part 2~ <br> outside we went. T was shocked at the temperature change when we first stepped outdoors, but I didn't even notice it. It seemed where my attention lay was from where my experience would manifest itself. My attention was on our space (and time) explorers theme and as we walked down the alley I felt as if we were walking down a launch tunnel of sorts. 3. 2. 1. Blast off! and out into space we dived. A one way roadsign pointed us in our direction, though we soon passed another which pointed the opposite way. I began thinking of these white arrows as guide signs between two realities. T and I started talking about how much power we have to create our own lives, our own realities. I became a touch spooked as we passed by a busy parking lot. T mentioned some metaphor about vehicles and our lives which slips my mind. Soon we were crossing the bridge by the museum. Cars buzzed by to our left, headlights blurring. 'We're on Broadway,' I told T. I felt like an old fashioned gangster, no better yet, mobster, like in Dick Tracy, and I began to swagger. 'Just stick with me doll,' said I. Then 'I feel like I should be smoking a big cigar here. I should be wearing a tuxedo and you should have a long evening dress.' 'And a string of porls,' T added in her best New Yawk accent. Me: 'We're on broadway doll. . . .' <br> <br> Across the bridge and we wanted to cross the street now; better go to the crosswalk, our judgement quickly becoming severly disabled. 'Now I feel like we're in a comic strip. An Andy Capp comic,' said I, still walking with my same swagger, now more pronounced. As we crossed the street I bowed comically to the cars stopping for us. I suddenly felt T's embarrassment as if through telepathy. She might have said 'B, don't' embarrassed but maybe I just heard it in through our sudden ESP connection. 'Who cares?' I wondered aloud, 'who cares what these people are thinking for one milli-millisecond of their passing lives?' 'Yeah . . .' T seemed to agree. 'You're right . . .' telepathically. We walked around by the museum, marvelling at the Christmas lights and trees. 'Look at the trees,' T said as we stood beneath two massive firs. 'They're so beautiful and huge and old. Just like those other ones over there,' pointing at some smaller trees across the road. 'They're just alike.' 'Cause they're all exactly the same,' said the Buddhist in me, referring to the interconnectedness of everything. We stood beneath some flagpoles and I listened to the sound of the flags flapping in the eastwind which made me kind of disoriented. We stopped for a moment and talked about who knows what, I don't remember. <br> <br> But I soon felt very antsy again and wanted to keep keeping on our inner-universal timespace journey. T stood while I explored the environs. Sliding on a patch of ice I felt like I slid forever but looking back at my tracks it was only a few feet. I slid around on the ice for a minute dancing a wonderful moonlight ballet and wrote 'Love' in the fresh snow. Then I rushed back to T shouting 'mission complete space commander T, let's go!' and off we went, although I knew somehow that T wanted to stay still for a little longer. There's that impatience again. But I just felt the need to go go go, I burned like a candle. I began dancing slightly as I walked now, prancing maybe is the word, hyper, giddy, completely mad. I leapt up onto the edge of what in the summer is a water pond and almost cracked my head open slipping on the slip-slidey surface but managed to land upright. Okay, then, my motor skills are still functioning well enough. We passed some old-fashioned streetlights and they riveted my attention, but, like anything else I lent my attention to, only for a second. 'I feel like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas,' I told T looking at the old rickety fences and old-fashioned streetlamps at our side. 'First it was a mobster, then a comic strip character, now The Nightmare Before Christmas.' <br> <br> We stopped in a mostly empty parking lot and I heard a loud, screeching, catlike sound. 'That's the electricity,' T informed me. 'You heard that too? I thought it was some crazy cat woman over there.' I said. T laughed. 'Nope. Sometimes I hear the electricity when I'm sober.' I doubt it's so loud though. My ears had definitely perked up. Which direction now we weren't so sure with no signs to guide our way. 'Sometimes I feel stuck, like I'm waiting for something,' T communicated. I thought about our relationship and how sometimes I'm scared to take the lead for whatever reason. 'Waiting for what?' I asked. 'I don't know, like life. For the fear to go away,' and we continued on this train of thought until suddenly I had a grand realization, I had to reach out and grab life; I had to take the lead, both in this situation and life, forget fear. And I did. 'Let's go.' I decided and off we went, probably when T again needed more time. But again, I had to go go go . . . I had somehow become the default leader of our litle expedition. We walked down a little gradual hill. 'This feels like a movie, or a book. I feel like were in a book. Or a movie, the movie of our lives,' I said. I was Willy Wonka and the whole world was my chocolate factory and here I was guiding the little golden ticket winner on through this psychedelic madhouse. <br> <br> At the bottom of the little hill we met the top of a massive hill, snowy and slippery looking and quite a daunting slope in our inebriated state. Neither of us wanted to go down, or rather we were afraid of the big hill which in our normal state we had tramped up and down numerous times. In this dream it was scarier though. But with my recent realization that I had to grab life by the balls without fear I said fuck it and threw myself on the mercy of the hill. T followed. This kind of became the starting point of our true journey. Down the hill, down the rabbit hole. We weren't getting high, we were going low, or rather deep; deep into our dreaming awake minds. Out into the great non-timespace of our internal universe. <br> <br> ~part3~ <br> down the hill I flew. I noticed to my left a long narrow patch of snow reaching all the way to the bottom of the hill and I decided that I could simply jump upon this and rocket my way sliding to the hill's base in an instant. I jumped on prepared for a wild ride but was unfortunately surprised by the stickiness of my chute. It was dirt underneath the snow. The long grass beside me, on the other hand, was quite slippery as T found out. We stopped about halfway down and T said 'I thought I could just slide down the whole hill like a ski jump.' So did I. 'You can,' I told her, just realizing myself that, yes, you could. And so T took off running, flailing, quite comical. I laughed, I thought it was beautiful. For a second I wanted to help her, thinking that she might fall and hurt herself, but some voice inside of me told me not to worry, T can handle herself. I ran down the hill after her and transformed into a gazelle as I ran. I actually had four legs and kind of trotted-ran, moving faster, I'm sure, than I ever had before in my life, lightspeed. I bumped into T trying to slow down as I reached flat ground. 'Whoops, sorry.' 'No don't worry.' I looked up at the big, once scary hill and laughed. 'I feel like I could just run right back up that hill right now and not even be out of breath,' I said. 'We are mighty gods T.' <br> <br> Then, not wanting to make the mighty gods angry, 'but really we're just tiny little lost human beings.' True. We walked. We headed for the trees; the talking, swaying, breathing life trees. I kept thinking there was a car behind us, shining its headlights on us, and I kept turning to check; nope, nothing. But the ground at our feet looked bright like a light shone on it from above or behind. I heard helicopters and it felt like they were beaming their searchlights down on us two inner-universal timespace fugitives. We walked in the snow looking down and it seemed as if we were walking on cracking eggshells which covered the neverending void; naught but blackness below. We two courageous explorers found our way down near the river and followed a path as the helicopters followed. Soon another timespace explorer approached, although for the longest time, indeed until he was almost right upon us, I thought he was a trailmarking signpost. 'No, it is a person,' T said. 'You're right,' said I, 'and he's crossing some sort of a bridge.' Funny though, I never remembered a bridge being anywhere around here. It was short and had guardrails on one side. I couldn't tell how far away our visitor was; distance was now impossible to gauge. <br> <br> He approached and I realized that it wasn't a bridge with guardrails at all but rather two dogs (huskies maybe?), whom our visitor was walking. I tried to be calm, pass by nice and slow, nice and easy, but all that failed and I said 'good evening fine sir,' in a strange tone and laughed. The one thing that got me though was how real this queer eskimo timespace astronaut seemed. 'How did that real person get into our dreaming dreamworld dreams?' I asked T. And T: 'Yeah, he did seem so real, hey?' Our eskimo friend seemed the first real thing I had seen in hours, years, millennia, who knows, for time had stopped having meaning, as had space, and the numerals we give to those two abstract concepts. 'Thank you O indian, O real life eskimo in our dreamy dream world,' I called out to our eskimo timespace friendly fugitive after he had passed. T laughed. 'This is great,' she said. 'Yeah, this is great . . .' And suddenly reality returned. No, maybe I just calmed myself down for a minute, because the sky was still brilliant purple-orange, the hills and trees still had ancient carved faces, the helicopters still followed . . . but I thought to myself 'this is it, the trip's over.' and I walked calmly now beside an ever calm T. <br> <br> We walked in silence and I gazed around serenely. The hills seemed to speak to me in their ancient way, through their stillness. I was lost in the barrens, far, far from the world, but not scared at all. T and I talked about how we felt we were on a different journey, but together. We were like anchors for each other, keeping ourselves from going off the deep end, but still helping each other to explore on this great psychonautical inner-universal journey into non- timespace. I didn't want the trip to end, there was still something I was looking for; I still wanted more more more. An airplane flew overhead and I ducked, it was sooooclose to the ground, the noise was intense. Moving my head made the noise alter too. Maybe I still was tripping. 'We are still so high B,' T calmly reminded me. Oh, yeah . . . We found a patch of ice on the trail which we ejoyed slip-sliding on. T slip-slided away but I became a bit confused with what was going on, where we were going, where I was going, both in life and on this journey. <br> <br> I wandered in circles, a lost little human figure in the confusing wilderness of life - whatever that was. Time didn't exist. If you would have asked me right then how long we had been out there, or in here, I would have probably said about six years, or seven maybe . . . minutes ; ; ; who knows . . . now, with my logical mind back intact, I could estimate from the amount of ground we covered, et cetera, et cetera. but right then time really didn't exist. And it wasn't that I couldn't keep track of it, no, it really didn't exist, and I knew this in my heart, from this universal perspective I then had. And neither did space. Just an optical illusion. We create our reality within our mind. Our poisoned mind of the time created this bizarre, illogical, reality, but it was every bit as real as our normal reality, because we were really experiencing it. We, therefore, have the power within ourselves to create whatever we want out of our reality, our lives, our existence . . . existence . . . 'existence . . .' I murmured circling around T as we discussed this. Just get out there, quit waiting or hesitating, quit walking up this backwards escalator of your life, grab life and make it your own, whatever you want it to be. And ‘I wish I had taken a typewriter into this dream with me to write all this down, later it will probably be forgotten, or just somewhat illogical.' <br> <br> But these things still do make sense, as they did before the trip ever began. See, I knew all this already, or at least I thought I knew; the drugs didn't teach me any new knowledge. But knowledge and wisdom are two different things. Then (during the trip), I really knew all this deep in my heart, now (back in normal life), I just know it, but don't feel it. I've lost the universal perspective I had during my mystical journey. LSD expanded my mind so I could see my own internal universe, there's no doubt about that, but unfortunately it was a temporary glance; I'll have to do with waning memories of this experience, for now. But me and T were truly enlightened beings just then, two inner-universal timespace fugitives exploring this pyrotenknik outer world from our self-created universal center. Just then the helicopters spotted us. I grabbed T and hugged her tight, knowing this was the end. 'I feel like we're Bonnie and Clyde right now ol' T,' I said as the helicopters aimed their guns, ready to take us out. But then I remembered that, oh yeah, we create our own reality and I bade the helicopters goodbye, good riddance, piss off! and away they went, simply vanished . . . All of these realizations had come to me periodically and repeatedly, as reoccuring themes, throughout the evening, as they had to T as well. <br> <br> We had somehow reached the same conclusions while on two seperate trips (though the same trip); perhaps through our psychic connection. And perhaps that is just what we unconsciously (or not so unconsciously) intended; the power of our intentions was supremely strong. All of this wisdom was just read, contemplated knowledge kicking around in our heads that we didn't know how to apply to our reality, but this crazy drug solidified these beliefs by actually letting us experience it first hand. This was experiential wisdom, experiential spirituality, rather than just vicarious knowledge. But while tripping I fully created my reality and I realized just how easy it can be, I just have to control my mindful mind in each decision-making moment. Even now that I'm back to normal reality and I can't see so easily, so shockingly clearly, this first-hand wisdom, I still know it's there. I can still create my reality, my life, however I choose. There's nothing to fear, nothing to doubt, I just have to quit waiting, hesitating, walking up that backwards escalator of life, and reach out and grab life! <br> <br> So, with helicopters gone and the trip is definitely not over, T and I continued on. We walked along the path which became increasingly icy and I became increasingly lost. I looked at my feet and at the asphalt and snow speeding past. Bicycle tracks in ths snow became tank treads, footprints the boots of marching soldiers, I was in a war zone. As I focused my attention solely on the ground I found that I lost complete knowledge of where I was, I could have been in Russia for all I knew or really cared. But looking up I discovered that I was just in Edmonton, in the river valley, with T, going for a delightful evening stroll. Lightning began flashing in the sky for a few minutes. We stopped again, slip-sliding on the ice, and noticed someone behind us carrying a light of some sort. A bicyclist. 'Don't tread this way, ‘tis too icy for one on a bicycle,' I warned our new friend. They stopped, surveyed for a less perilous trail, and continued on foot along a trial just up a small hill from us. 'What is someone doing way out here in the middle of nowhere at this time?' I wondered aloud. The cyclist walked past as we whispered. 'I wonder if they can hear us,' I whispered almost inaudibly, although I'd bet that the cyclist heard everything we said loud and clear; my perception of distance and volume were lousy. <br> <br> We got cold - ah, yes, we must be coming down (or going back up, as it were) if we're starting to complain about the weather. But my mind wouldn't buy that. My hands would though as I suddenly noticed how painfully cold they were, my face too. How could I have ignored that for this whole trip? We turned back, straight into the wind (of course), heading for T's apartment, warmth. I was mostly lost but knew to head for the bright city lights - oh how they radiated their seductive glow. The wind whipped at us and instantaneously the trees began to bend in towards me, try and grab me. For the first time in the trip I was truly frightened. Fortunately, it only lasted a second as I took control and snapped myself back into safety, into my own secure, stable psychedelic reality. We walked into the wind and talked increasingly about seemingly trivial things - I'm cold, I'm hungry, I've got to pee. Hmm, are we coming down? Yep . . . no way . . . maybe . . . Then T mentioned something about 'work', that hideous, awful word, and I knew that we were on our way slowly back to earth, out of our deep inner-timespace universe that was always there to begin with. <br> <br> ~part4~ <br> we stood, still quite high, at the bottom of the hill we had come racing down earlier as gazelles in the snowy ski jumping alps, and got ready to walk backwards up that escalator. It took us quite some time to get up that hill, and I know this because time was beginning to seep back into my consciousness as neat little numbered units again. I was okay now with the thought of coming down and almost looked forward to greeting the normal world again, however bizarre and backwards it seemed after having been away for so long. We slowly weaved our way back into reality as we climbed that hill, discussing our trip, sharing insight. 'This has changed my life forever' I remember thinking. Halfway up the hill and normalcy took charge more and more. Three quarters up and if I focused hard I wouldn't feel high at all. I was somewhere between two worlds and I could make complete sense of the things I had learned in my dreamscape and apply it to normal life situations; that was a great feeling, though passing. We reached the top and kept walking, freezing cold, tired, hungry. <br> <br> I felt almost entirely sober by the time we crossed over that Broadway bridge again. The weave into normalcy continued 'like one of those old-fashioned phone operators. All our normal plugs were disconnected and reconnected somewhere else, now they're all getting switched back again, back to how they normally are.' We finally reached T's house and after a hell of a time turning the key in the lock with our frozen hands we found warmth again. I had to pee, I had to eat. My left hand thumb wouldn't work and I wasn't sure whether it was because of the cold (our hands were bright red and white knuckled) or because of the drugs still at work in my mind. We sat in T's kitchen and talked, ate some veggie lasagna (which I could vaguely smell! for the first time in my life!(I have no sense of smell)), and drew pictures of The Pyrotenknik Lightning Bubble! I noticed that as time passed we talked more and more superficially, or maybe just more confined, less universal. I found myself at times getting annoyed at the turns in the conversation. Both of us had troubles with keeping a train of thought together and we'd dart from one topic to another, I think often not really picking up what the other person was saying with their words (though we still did have that psychic connection somewhat). <br> <br> My back hurt, I grew confused at what had just happened as many of the millions of thoughts I had had began to escape me in the mish-mosh of words words words. Patience B . . . T and I took a bath together and eventually went to bed at about two in the morning, approximately twelve hours after our inner-universal timespace journey had begun, though it seemed longer. I slept well, though T complained about her thoughts keeping her awake most of the night. We parted ways in the morning and I felt kind of crappy, confused about what I had learned, what it all meant, how it applied to this reality that I must occupy in order to live. So when I got home I sat down and started writing. This scrawl has been therapy for me, it's helped me work through this whole crazy experience. I get it now, I think . . . I am in control of my reality. I can do whatever I choose with my life, my reality. I just need to stop walking up that backwards escalator of life, quit waiting, hesitating, and get out there and grab what I want. And I suppose I already knew that before LSD, but that crazy trip has really solidified these beliefs in my mind, really given me the motivation to create my reality. Now, how to actually manifest this creation is another matter altogether and I do feel somewhat confused as to how all this wisdom can be applied to my everyday life. <br> <br> Being mindful, making wise choices, taking risks and overpowering fear, and so on, I suppose . . . The bottom line is that when I look deep inside of myself I do know what I have to do, I always have really, and after yesterday's brilliant inner-universal timespace voyage I feel as if I'm finally ready.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2004</td><td width="90">ExpID: 39028</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 27, 2005</td><td>Views: 58,348</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=39028&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=39028&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> One day my father told me it was time, and some months later when we both were ready I took him off to a small cabin in the mountains, to escort him on his first acid trip. For years I had thought about introducing him to LSD later, in preparation for his dying. But Harold came to it sooner in his own growth, without my urging, which made me doubly glad to share the occasion. <br> <br> I was more his escort and witness than an active guide. During his trip, I mostly managed the music and gave him the reassurance of my presence by infrequent responses, staying out of the way. A few times I was more directive, pointing him toward a deeper level when he got stuck in pre-pubescent memories on the way up, and suggesting strongly that he had choice about how to reintegrate what he had learned, while coming down. But basically, it was his trip: he had set its contours up and prepared himself, and I just watched it happen. The most active useful thing I did was take notes, which helped him later to connect with his experience. <br> <br> The day before he tripped we had a lazy lunch together, and then relaxed for hours as I drove him up to the Sierra to find a place of peace. Night was falling as we got to the cabin; I made a fire, and helped him to prepare his space. Over dinner, we reminisced about the many years he had watched his children at their psychedelic rituals, and how he had come to his own. I teased him a bit about having had to attend a seminar with Stanislav Grof, the noted researcher, to finally give himself permission. He said the seminar had clarified things for him, as it had; and we turned in early. <br> <br> In the morning I fed him a good breakfast, laced with extra C and E vitamins to buffer his body against its coming stress; and watched him check out the eyeshade he had chosen, the headphones, and the music he had programmed. To find good acid, in those days of scant supply and shoddy synthesis, had taken me months, for I wanted the best for him. I talked of the search and of the lore of its use again as he held the small blue tab in his palm, and probed him again for uncertainty and fear. But he was clear, and we said the ancient toast together: '<i>L'chaim!</i>' <br> <br> After he swallowed it, I got the axe, and took him out for a walk to gather wood -- to give his body motion to rest on, and to complete his ritual of preparation. We carted the manzanita faggots back, stacked them inside, and said goodbye to the morning. By then the first tremors of strangeness were rising in his blood, and we laid him down with his eyeshade on, wired him up to sound, and got on with it. <br> <br> Though I had brought him to a place of good vibes where he himself had spent a night of magic once before, I almost blew it at the start: for between our walk in the cold and the mattress we lugged inside, dense still with winter night, his body took a chill that blankets and the roaring fire beyond did not dispel. It took me an hour to recognize how truly cold he was, insulate him on sleeping-bags, and turn him on his side open to the fire to thaw, kicking myself for my negligence. <br> <br> Fighting the clenching of his muscles against the cold kept him down, and for much of this first hour his awareness was mainly in his body. As he lay there blind inside his eyeshade, hearing only Bach through his headphones, the outer world withdrew and he began the inward journey, feeling out the marvelous discreteness of the individual muscles, exploring his nervous system. As he warmed up, he stopped confusing the neuronic twitchings and explosions with cold-reflex, accepted my counsel to stop fighting them, and let them take his body -- which jerked and throbbed for hours, sometimes in violent rhythmic motion. <br> <br> As his body let go, he was carried deeper into the experience. The sitar's notes in his earphones, 'random and colorful', took him to the five-and-dime stores of his childhood to stand before their shelves of a myriad gaudies, and took him into the quality of experience newly minted in exquisite detail, discovered through the eyes of the child still live within him. He wandered out eating chocolate kisses and through other scenes of his youth, feeling his hairline change as he grew from three to thirteen in half an hour. <br> <br> 'How little is really your own,' he said, 'the color and texture of a particular little fragment of bone.' And with this, he began to experience the qualities of <i>substance</i>. At first it was simply the substance of this material world. He spent a long time being eleven in Chicago, a young boy out on the prowl, discovering -- in the slag heaps and coal mounds, rusty iron and broken glass, all the detritus of urban earth -- the stuff from which his world was made. Worn rags and boards, a sense of materials wearied by wear, become thin, greasy, dull; and a sense of wonder at how impoverished his life among these had been, and how uncelebrated. <br> <br> I took off his pants to leave him naked under the covers, stoked up the fire, urged him to go deeper. Explosions in the cortex, the brain-stem. He began to be aware of the flesh of the universe, and saw these qualities of matter as its qualities, perhaps from an underlying sense of the wear of his own matter, his sixty-one year old frame. He spoke of 'the worn, grimy, re-used material out of which reality is constructed.' Yet what caught him was not the small pity of it all, but his realization that this thin worn fabric 'has no reason to be, except someone once put it together ... and so much had to happen to the raw material of all this, before it could take these forms!' <br> <br> But what was there in the first place? 'There must have been something, some clarity of purpose .... ' As he wondered, he began actually to feel it as 'a crystallographic intelligence.' I said softly, 'Is you speaking of her grace the Shaper?' without lifting his earphones to let him hear me, and did a little dance of glee unseen -- at his making contact, and at all the ironies. My daddy the lifelong atheist, my daddy the Marxist materialist, now plunging headlong through Hegel's echo into the true dialectic. My father, who strove for forty years to write simply and clearly of the workingman's bread-and-butter struggle in his union newspapers, here a journalist still, opening the mouth of his distant body every now and then to report precisely on transcendence, on 'states of being and of awareness, and their interplay' in disjointed sentences, lucid and poetic, and elegant with metaphor, so much so that later he cried out, 'I'm not entitled to such extravagance of concept!' <br> <br> As the full effects of the acid took him, his rush went on, carrying him inward towards the Light. He began to know the qualities which underlie the qualities of substance. He saw the universe as glass, crystalline and discrete, gloriously multifoliate yet unrelenting in its angular quality. This perception was shadowed by personality, for also he was reading out his sense of his own self, a constant expression of sharp edges in argument, whose monotony made him sad as he realized 'how much of the space of a lifetime has been used on the angularity, the hardness and verifiability of things.' He was still in touch with all the shattered metals of his childhood in Chicago -- indeed, his awareness was working on all these levels simultaneously, so that their metaphors reflected and penetrated each other, making something whole of all the planes of reality, as it is. <br> <br> Then he became aware of something new to him -- a dynamic within the crystalline, a soft and flowing quality -- and discovered that he was this too. 'There's all this space between molecules!' 'Right!' I yelled. 'And something in it!' 'Right!!' 'Something strung like embroidery, gathered in accumulations of meaning ...' He savored the polar qualities, invented his own names for them, repeated the names in incantation: 'the angularity of crystal, the sinuousness of vapor;' and then realized, 'There's a sense in which all this is manufacturing itself, all in a harmony, a quality of tension between them.' And with this phrasing of the Tao-poles he went beyond, into the state from which all reappears. He was all, knew that he knew directly the total history of each least tendril of the energy that makes what is. Or so I surmised from my own experience, as he was silent for half an hour, leaving only the buoy of his last assertion to mark the depths he was exploring. <br> <br> 'How hard it is to make this energy take shape,' said the god in him, rounding the bend to return. His nearer levels speculated amazed: these forms of self and world we know are almost arbitrary, what would happen if we let go of the belief or act of will that keeps them as they are, what shapes would it all assume beyond 'the first purity that inhabits it all?' As reintegration proceeded, he felt himself becoming the Ten Thousand Things of the Taoist universe; and then as it went further felt the skeins of Harold's personality recondensing in their complex tangles. So much was coming back to be the drab worn angular stuff it had been! He wept. <br> <br> It was time to intervene. Lifting his earphone, I told him that it was all his, and that he could choose to remake a different balance in the skeins. He worked at this, and after a time recognized more of the sinuous in what was recondensing, felt its play in what was still largely angular, still not fully warm, but somehow less dull and impoverished than it had been during all the wasteland years. <br> <br> And he was happy with it. 'If I have to have substance, this is the form I want it to take, this boundary between the crystalline and the flowing.' He felt like something stuffed into a sausage or sock, full and bulging oddly. His bladder too was bulging by then, five hours after dropping. I tried to get him to pee, he couldn't; but soon his reinhabitation of his body had progressed enough that I judged it time to reintroduce him to the world. I announced it cheerily, checked with him that he was ready, lit a candle, doused the light, and took off his headphones and eye-shade. <br> <br> Going up, he had seen himself as an old scrap of bone. As he blinked around the room, I handed him an old scrap of bone to focus on -- a fragment of deer antler, cracked to reveal the core of osseous fibers, delicately and intricately structured for use and from use. The commonplace, the trivial tawdry, revealing itself to him as beautiful-of-the-world, weighted and numinous in the qualities he had come to know. Grasping it clumsily, like a newborn bird he fixated on it for nurture. 'He' was only partly there yet; toward the center, he was still subdividing the animate and inanimate, and down here at the end of the tendril of energy he saw the fragment both as branch and bone, and as his flesh. <br> <br> When he was well-bonded with his talisman, I put pants on his ass, a coat on his back, and levered his stumbling carcass out the door to the porch. Pushed to the distance, the clouds banked a narrow sunset, aglow in dark pastels. The wind was icy after heavy rain. We unzipped. I rested mine on the rail, he of the 26-inch inseam held his underneath it, and we peed off the porch together -- as we did at the toilet thirty years before, but now with the order reversed, his tinkle coming as mine was well along. Even so, I was two again, feeling that primordial pleasure, feeling what he was feeling anew, in yet another vivid flash of contact high. <br> <br> After this blessing of the earth, the flesh, our kinship, we watched the sunset for a while, at one with its mundane perfection, ever-changing; and exchanged platitudes about it, savoring the freshness of their meaning. Then I tried to take him out for a walk, to ground him more fully in the world, in his experience as an animal on this planet. But he was still just re-establishing control over his mechanism, and simply wasn't enough back in his body yet to make it walk unaided on the ground. Night comes early in the winter mountains, so I lost the chance. But between bone and sun I figured he was well-oriented, and I steered him back up the stairs. <br> <br> For six hours more, till midnight, he came down from the peak experience, digesting it -- mostly in silence, self-absorbed. When I removed his mask I stopped being his memory, and soon withdrew from the rest of tending him, after I blessed him with a ripe persimmon and spread the rest of the simple table for him to glory in, discovering earth's luscious fruits. Now simply his companion, I ate too, talked a little, but mostly left him to his own inner processes, going out to walk the dog for my excuse. I was a bit spacey and drained myself from the hours of attention, and when I came back I spent my time in the music and my body, beginning to integrate my own experience, as he was integrating his. <br> <br> His was not a detached, retrospective integration. As his body slowly metabolized the drug, he was still in tenuous contact with the primal melt within; and all the levels of its substantiation continued to work within his consciousness as it ever so slowly cooled down to what we call normal. For most of the evening he watched the fire, which I continued to stoke with the hot-burning manzanita chopped that morning. One limb in particular he saw as human, a child's; felt as his own. Holding the antler talisman, in organic sympathy of wood and flesh he lay and watched the limb being consumed by the fire, lived its changes to ember, knew himself in this, felt his substance used by the process of life, the child becoming an old man. 'It is,' he said, 'and I'm surprised, I don't regret it,' with perhaps a changed perspective on the worn, though death had never scared him. <br> <br> Infinite in gradations of grey, he saw the small fireplace's angled walls as a temple, watched luminous colors dance within, absorbed its warmth, and at last began to cry. 'For the first time I think I understand why Betty wanted a fireplace,' he said, and recalled all the years he had reacted to it as inessential and expensive, alien to his understandings and desires. This brought him to consciousness of the might-have-been-but-was-unable that grew to break their marriage; and then to the body of love for her that still is live within him. He struggled awhile with this, accepting its weights, not yet clear to a sorrow without regrets, and then moved on, integrating this too. <br> <br> The candles died, the last log flared on the high-banked embers, I drifted off snuggled beside him under the sleeping-bag, woke at three to find him soundly out, put on some more wood to cut the dawn chill, and fell asleep again. At sun-up I found him gone, out for a hike in a world crystalline with frost. When he returned, we tidied the cabin and packed, and got the car stuck in the old cattle-grate, had to tear home in record time to get me to a meeting. Once we hit the highway, I gave him my notebook, and for eighty miles we went over the experience page by page. Most of what I'd recorded, and all the deepest stuff, he had already forgotten or repressed. <br> <br> As he read it came back, not fully but enough to accept as his own. 'A pretty metaphysical drug, huh?' I said, and helped him sort out the progression and relation of the different levels of his consciousness as the notes revealed these, confirming from my own experiences the reality, or at least the relative universality, of his. As is usual the day after tripping, he was somewhat punched out in his body, with a coupled depression of spirit. I offered him a frame to understand and deal with this; and we talked again about what it meant to his old rigidity, to recognize emotional states that couldn't be commanded. By the time we hit Berkeley, I had told him what little I know about how to integrate all this in everyday consciousness, about what choices there are. I was only half an hour late to my meeting, and he went home to rest. <br> <br> <b>Commentary (1972, revised)</b> <br> <br> Dad had the kind of trip I'd hoped for him. Much contributed: good acid, good environment, good company and fair tending. But the deepest contribution was his own. Ever since I did morning-glory seeds in 1964, he'd been close to people going through psychedelic ritual. All along he had been going through slow and painful changes, to his depths, influenced by his children but in his own way. Venturing nothing rashly or quickly, he came to acid in his own time, prepared by some slowly-growing sense of inner certainty. I had no fear for him; he searched himself for fear, felt almost apologetic at not finding it, and I believed him, he was ready. What he will do with the experience, where he'll go from it, I have no idea. While we were driving home he said, 'I think I won't want to take acid again.' I asked why. 'I took it to learn something. I think I've learned it.' <br> <br> And what of me? Harold had deep feelings about my being the one escorting him in this initiation. He bespoke them now and then, I signaled that I understood, and we let it go at that. Not out of shyness, which isn't our custom. Rather, the whole trip was like that, almost accepted as mundane, special but sandwiched in between our other schedules of special and busy things, nothing to make a fuss over. Still I have my feelings about it, however casual we were in making the arrangements. What a high honor, to help my father come to share experience and perspective so precious to me! We do not push each other but attend over time; and here many years of slow sharing came to a fruit. I was glad for him, and for myself in having him as fellow-traveler: all the way home it moved me to delighted laughter. <br> <br> The deeper things I can't say compactly. How it is to be his son and then in turn his father in leading him through things I have grown through; and then again his son, as he models for me in his late and painful growing what it is to be his age and still alive -- all this at once, endlessly and joyfully reflexed into itself, who I am who he is. How fortunate I feel that it has worked out so, with our lives and beings thus intertwined, a closeness that has fed and not imprisoned, ongoing and so rare.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1972</td><td width="90">ExpID: 51368</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Mar 9, 2006</td><td>Views: 112,300</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=51368&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=51368&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Families (41), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Monday <br> We had some time off so my partner and I decided to trip, at about one in the afternoon we dropped our acid (my partner had 5 tabs and I had 2, being the little thing that I am), and started to have amazing sex. We both loved sex on acid before and thought that doing it to come up would be fun….it was…until we both came and instantly got catapulted into a really heavy body load, the trip was getting heavier by the second our heads rushing and spinning. We were overwhelmed by the sudden mind and body fuck after being so intimately joined together, we were thrust a part feeling pretty rotten really. We stumbled around going ‘oh fuck’ watching the room twist and bend. <br> <br> My partner instantly felt nauseous and rushed to the bathroom, seeing him urge made me feel sicky too. Our bathroom has a crazy ass floral pattern all over the walls of the tiny toilet, plus the floor is a trippy shaded tessellation that makes my eyes go really funny. We spent the next 10 mins or so dry heaving and retching until we both gave up and decided to ignore it and go back to bed. <br> <br> We were both fine for a bit curled up in bed listening to Younger Brother, talking about shit and laughing at the ceiling. The music was the entire trip, forming the room and creating patterns and stories on the ceiling, it was quite intense at times and was very fun, so clear and precise to listen to the psychedelic rollercoaster. As we began to peak I started to feel odd, like I’d lost me. Even with my partner reassuring me I thought I’d lost all sanity and would never get it back…I was so scared. My partner cuddled me up and held me tight for ages; we went to our spare room to watch the clouds out the window, they were kaleidoscopic, shifting like Escher’s dragons in rainbow hues. This disturbed me a lot because my brain just couldn’t process anything that was going on. <br> <br> I felt as though I would never be ‘right’ again, sudden rushes of memories would go past my eyes and a split second later I wouldn’t be able to remember exactly what they where just that they where important to me. I didn’t feel as if there was any past or future just what I had then and it scared me. Just feeling everything from second to second was odd and unpleasant, a constant experience flowing through me a constant ‘now’. My partner at this time was reassuring me trying to help me through it by saying I was all there and that I was complete. <br> <br> Realising I really wasn’t feeling too grand on this trip my partner took me back to our bed, put on Sia and cuddled me so we where facing each other, with my legs wrapped around his waist and his legs under my bum. This was extremely comforting at the time and after a little while of looking into each others eyes and rubbing each others backs we both realised we fitted together like a jigsaw puzzle, both of us together made one complete piece. Also we each looked like each other, when I looked at my partner’s face I saw little bits of my face in him, quarters of our features and bodies where part of the other person. It was like looking at a picture of both of us morphed into one, slightly like a Picasso painting with triangular bisecting noses with segments of colour and texture…And my mind came back suddenly, my partner saw it drift around the room and the precise second he saw it enter my head my reality flooded back and everything was clear (except the funky visuals). <br> <br> We both untangled ourselves and sat apart, I now hand over to my partner because this is his bit of the story <br> <br> As we sat apart it felt as though the parts of us that had become each other were left behind, as I saw her mind return she became clear, in a sharp focus. Suddenly I felt as though while we had fitted together so neatly before, I was now fuzzy, like a child’s cartoon where all the lines wriggle a bit even when they’re meant to be still, I felt as though I didn’t fit neatly anymore. That I was a rough fit to my precise, sharply defined partner. I felt like a small child, foolish for trying to fit when it was clear I wasn’t correct. But I wanted to fit, it wasn’t right that I didn’t, I knew I should. <br> <br> My partner went to the toilet, I followed her there confused as to why I was no longer the right fit. Somehow within my head it seemed as though the music hade made us fit together so perfectly during sex, but for some unknown reason at this time I was found wanting in regards to fitting precisely. I felt rejected and refused to accept that I didn’t fit with her, that I wasn’t right. Things are very confusing from this point onward; I can’t totally remember the order of events, while I was compellingly locked into the trip regardless of how I felt about it. I was scared that my partner wouldn’t want to be with me if I wasn’t right, concerned that I was no longer important to her I wasn’t too sure what was going on but I didn’t know if we were still together or what was or had been going on all the time. <br> <br> While in the bathroom I felt mirrored to my partner, as did she to me. It was difficult to tell where bits of us and each other were within one another. Talking to her on the toilet I felt like we were an old and infirm couple caring for each other, while walking back to the bedroom through the kitchen we became younger; 50-somethings in the bathroom becoming 20-30-somethings in the kitchen and hallway. The situation confused me, I felt like I was being tricked somehow, though I didn’t know how or why. My movements were compelled by the music and my thoughts; I had no true part in some of my movement. Visuals were real, and morphing our bodies and some of our surroundings. My partner’s hair changed colour, while mine went grey. I felt like I was being accused of not caring enough or something like it, as we got younger returning to the bedroom it somehow seemed as though I was being tricked or deceived into being uncaring, thinking only of sex. It made perfect sense at the time; I didn’t feel worthy or right, but I wanted to show I truly cared as I do. As we walked forward through the rooms our appearances changed with each step, I became slightly rough once pushing her back saying’ no!’ trying to reverse the hallucinations, it was bewildering to say the least. <br> <br> I embraced my partner at one point, my forehead to hers, sensing her third eye opening into mine, saying “come into me” attempting to make us fit perfectly again, it still didn’t seem quite right. Feeling destitute and despairing of what to do I felt cast out and slumped on my knees leaning on the bed. At once my ego instantly expanded to fill everything within the vacuum of outer space, spread out everywhere drifting through this total blackness. My partner cuddled and comforted me, but everything seemed so incredibly distant. I felt her compassion that even though I didn’t fit her right, she still looked after me. <br> <br> Some Aphex Twin was playing though we can’t remember what song, feeling incredibly confused and detached from my surroundings and especially my partner it seemed as though the acid was a tool for seeing if we were suited to each other, whether we gelled right, or connected properly, if we did then the results were beautiful, but if not we would get thrown apart it seemed, it felt like my soul had a stiletto heel being ground into it which wasn’t especially comfortable. I felt like a small child that was so stupid for trying, that I just wasn’t any good. My partner called me ‘sweet-pea’ it seemed reassuring, but yet slightly as though she were trying to console or humour me, a failure. It did seem very kind that she still cared for me even though I wasn’t right. Incredibly intricate fractals were exploding, growing twisting and unfolding behind my eyelids, predominantly black from space with bright neon colours, shafts of light slicing and turning into very complex and totally awe-inspiring hallucinations. It was like the Squarepusher video for ‘Exploding Psychology’ except even more engrossingly complex; the music drove the psychedelic thunderstorm continuously. <br> <br> Now I was unable to maintain any grasp or sense of time and sensation. It could have been ten minutes it could have been all I ever knew, apparently it was about 90-120 minutes. I was completely uncommunicative with my partner though at times on my part it felt as though I could read her thoughts, or project my feelings to her. I felt like my sense of self had been spread across the depths of space, floating around the cosmos surrounded by other consciousnesses, hoping to find a fit and be a complete being again. I was kneeling by the side of the bed with my head in my partners lap, she was crying though and some shouting went on it felt like it was because of me as I was wrong. At points she seemed slightly scary because I wasn’t right while she was so sweet and pure, like a motherly Earth figure caring for me. <br> <br> Other times I felt that we were quite filthy, a mess, which I suppose at the time we were, but I usually feel great fucked. She put her hands in my mouth at one point, they tasted of ash so I bit them, quite hard apparently; it seemed like the right thing to do at the time though I am sorry I did it. All this time from her perspective I was staring into space, or at a spot two feet behind her head. When I did make eye contact it was only brief and impossible to maintain. Everything was shifting, images flowed from happy, to scary and sinister back to bright and technicoloured hallucinations, stories and fractals constantly evolving and changing. Synchronising with the music as they twisted around my head, through my brain and gripping my spine only to grow back up entwining my senses in a completely sublime synesthesia enveloping my ears, eyes, skin and mind. <br> <br> My partner was panicking at this point unsure what to do having been trying to get a response out of me for so long and failing was a difficult experience. I was floating on the very edges of the universe, completely alone, surrounded by a sheer black void 360º with only a slight twinkling of stars light years away. When all of a sudden a voice said ‘hello C. you ok?’ in my ear, it sounded like an astronaut on his radio floating along attached to a shuttle, I sensed his reflective visor and knew something had come to find me. Feeling like the lowest form of life and not even complete. Sometime later after images of celestial forces and different plains of consciousness, ones I wasn’t allowed to get to, only observe others transcending to them. <br> <br> I saw gods placing down consciousnesses into the heavens giving them essence and being. Others could ascend to be with the gods, but I could only look on, my mind received ideas and images from iridescent globes of energy the size of marbles that were absorbed, collecting from the power surrounding me, ran along the length of my long hair into my brain making it exquisitely warm and tingly where they merged into me. I could see these glowing orbs flowing into my partners head, but it felt like hers were different, that they were telling her that I wasn’t right for her, hence holding my head to her wanting her to receive my thoughts too. It seemed as though she did and sometimes I could will us together for a moment. <br> <br> I stood up quickly and began to feel my ego returning to my controlled being, able to direct my attention and observe things rather than continually experience them. My mind came in from every corner of the universe as every single star rushed into between my eyes (like entering hyperspace but it was 360º around me, I could sense it all) making my body vibrate and buzz very strongly till it slowly subsided and I could see the room again. I was overcome with an incredibly strong sense of awe and happiness, I felt simply utterly amazing, on top of the world. I said “I’m confused” not totally sure what had just happened, uncertain as to how long everything had been. I saw my partner crying and was upset thinking I was the cause, which I guess I was, but not for why I thought. <br> <br> I repeated “I’m confused” a few more times, my clarity of mind was complete and I was in control of all my senses but the smooth yet rather rapid return to myself had made me confused as to what had just happened and what was going on now. It was now around seven in the evening. We sat in the other room and my partner explained what had happened several times yet it still was very hard to completely grasp what everything was. I felt totally energised, there was no sleep tonight my head was on fire my mind alight with wonder bustling with hallucinogenic euphoria. <br> <br> We went back to the bedroom and sat cuddled up facing each other wrapped around just as before hugging and rubbing our hands over each other. Once again we merged into one another, our limbs and faces being split and mirrored into quarters of each other like a chess board of body parts. It suddenly occurred to me that we were a complete single being when we were together, that the two of us go into making up each other, that it took both of us to make each other complete. I said ‘I never realised just how much of you goes into making up me’ and shed a few tears of happiness that I was with the one person who could make me feel totally complete. My partner was overwhelmed, so incredibly relieved at having me back, scared that she had nearly lost me over the past two hours, we sat and talked about what had just happened. I expressed my sincere apologies for scaring and putting her through that situation, thanking her greatly for comforting me throughout she made me feel so very safe the whole time. <br> <br> We held eye contact practically the whole time. I found out how long everything had really been and that my partner had rung up a mutual friend for some help. To hear a sober normal voice, and for reassurance as my reality was totally detached from hers and there was only the two of us. The spaceman I heard had been my friend on the phone saying hello. His voice did help turning me somewhat back toward my self. <br> <br> My partner’s experience of the situation was of course totally different. <br> <br> After we walked back from the bathroom my partner stopped completely dead, staring behind me, I tried to make eye contact and had no response. It felt as though all sensory stimulation had been deprived. I could not get him to talk to me and asked him over and over what was wrong. My partner bent over slightly and I touched his hand, his fingers just slipped through mine, at this moment I felt as though my whole world had been ripped apart. I started sobbing and shouting at him to talk to me. After about half on hour of this (during this whole time I was obsessed with looking at the clock) I began to think there was something wrong with me, like I had gone insane and was perhaps stuck in my own head. It sort of felt as though my partner was trying to tell me something/ show me some thing and I was just too stupid to work out what. I lay on our bed watching him for a solid ten minutes not once did he move, I could barely see his chest moving as he breathed. I began to sob uncontrollably and closed my eyes hoping that when I opened them everything would be back to normal. Of course it wasn’t. <br> <br> When I did finally open my eyes my partner was on his knees side on to the bed I shuffled to the end and hung my legs over the side I just needed him to say one word to let me know he was okay. But he stayed silent. I put his head in my lap and stroked his hair trying to comfort myself. After a while I kneeled on the floor with him, I held on to him for so long burying my face into his neck sobbing my heart out. I felt so emotionally distraught I started shouting at him, this seemed to get a reaction from him he held my eye contact for a spilt second and I thought maybe I just needed to shock him out of it, so I slapped him really hard around the face, this did nothing and I became convinced that I had lost him forever and that all that would be left would be the empty shell of his body. It was a terrifying thought and I found it increasingly hard to control the situation, grabbing his phone I decided to ring an ambulance, I unlocked his phone and started to dial 999, telling him over and over what I was going to do. I was shitting it and needed a response from him, I realised that he is my entire world and without him I couldn’t survive. The prospect of an authority figure was too much to handle and I turned on the computer trying to find someone on msn to talk to. <br> <br> There wasn’t anyone; I am fairly inexperienced with drugs and completely rely on my partner to lead any trips we have not having him was utterly confusing and hurtful I had no idea what to do, I rang a mutual friend who I knew my partner had tripped with before and asked him for advice. He thankfully told me everything was okay and to just let my partner come out of it naturally. I cuddled up my partner still in tears, trying to feed him water with my fingers, as his mouth was dry and he wouldn’t hold a glass himself. As I put my fingers in his mouth the third or fourth time he bit me really hard, and for a brief second I thought he was back but he remained motionless and silent. I was still really freaked out and went to the computer to talk to our mutual friend convinced that everything was not okay. <br> <br> Luckily after about 2 hours since he stopped talking my partner got up and declared he was confused….. I would have been too, I had turned all the lights on, sprayed his aftershave and torn posters down all in an attempt to snap him out of what he was in. as said, we discussed all of this and realised just how much we mean to one another, just how much each of us is wrapped up in the other one. Although this trip was difficult it did help me realise that my partner depends on me just as much as I depend on him and that no matter what I do he is always a part of me. The sheer thought of not having him tore my entire world apart and made me question my sanity. I truly feel that our relationship has been strengthened by this overwhelming experience and that we both now appreciate each other and how much we mean to one another more than ever before. <br> <br> After a lot of talking and cuddling and admittedly a few tears we came to the conclusion that although we both very much enjoy sex on drugs, and have done so in the past that this time having sex whilst coming up caused this strange trip. We both think that having got up quickly straight away after climaxing we felt like the other had abandoned us slightly, I personally felt as though I had made my partner sick and that he didn’t want to hug me anymore. Whereas for my partner it felt as though he was a small child that had been mistaken and was trying to fit with me when it just couldn’t happen, he felt as though he was being silly. Having been joined into one as the trip strengthened it meant that when we were detached we each felt as though we were missing something, the other to make us whole. <br> <br> My partner sensed it first though it went away, then I as my trip peaked nice and hard. I take more drugs than many to get to where I want to be, I feel quite comfortable being incredibly twisted, gaining immense satisfaction and well-being from my experiences and subsequent recoveries. I found my peak utterly amazing, incredibly pure, vastly involving and all encompassing. It was absolutely magnificent though I was unsure as to how I should be feeling sometimes but that just added to the excitement. This was truly an unadulterated psychedelic experience and I am extremely grateful I had it. I am incredibly sorry that I scared my partner I simply had no connection with reality, I learned a powerful lesson and got an ass-kicking, I’m truly sorry I worried my partner it was such an overwhelming trip I didn’t know what to make of it. With this new clarity of the situation we went about having a lovely night together, sitting on the bed and talking about all sorts. <br> <br> The five tabs were still going strong in me; while my partner was winding down feeling quite tired she decided to curl up wrapped in the duvet. I pottered about being the little control freak that acid turns me into sorting everything out, getting it just so. We stayed together pretty much the whole night. We sat at the bottom of the bed listening to music wrapped up in a blanket, watching our crazy Axminster carpet wriggle about turning into cheeky sly foxes. Water in the glass had a multi-coloured hue of the spectrum; the carpet flowed and rotated mechanically around the glass which formed a column of power and light. Having a couple of joints while selecting tunes to play, listening to U-ziq, Ceephax and Aphex Twin watching the colours swirl around loving the Analord series  <br> <br> Turning the black light on and playing with candles and whatnot. I played around with my glow poi that looked really cool leaving thick bars of red through the air; I got pretty hectic and furious working out a lot of energetic tension swinging my arms about madly. I always find that I can spin poi or glow sticks instinctually when fucked, especially on acid I can create stories and patterns synchronised with the beat and complexities of the music. It comes naturally and with no thought, simply playing, experimenting and expanding on sequences. I spun them about for quite awhile till I became bored. <br> <br> Appletiser, apples and ice tasted magnificent, it made my mouths ickyness go away so I was all fresh. I particularly enjoyed playing with ice in my mouth and kissing while holding it on my tongue. She was quite sleepy and was dozing in and out while I played about with our home. I gave her a massage which made her even more sleepy and fuzzy; she then curled up snuggled up even more after that. <br> <br> I started to play with my camera phone fiddling with the different settings and effects, taking pictures just for fun; I proceeded to fill up all my memory throughout the night, taking all sorts of crazy pictures especially some mad gurning grinning ones in negative. <br> <br> I enjoyed mucking around with rubber bands and marbles, the quick snapping and sensation of the band on my fingers was fun, while the solid definite hardness of the marbles was interesting, very real and there, the texture and smoothness intriguing to play with rolling around amongst my fingers and squeezing as hard as possible. It was particularly fun to put two small ones in my mouth and roll them around my teeth and gums making neat sounds sensations and resonances and also cleaning and clearing my gacky gummy lips away from my teeth, it felt very good. <br> <br> My metal jaw harp was also spectacular, the sensation of playing it joined to my teeth resonating and vibrating around was brilliant, the feeling of the sound rolling around my tongue and mouth was exquisite, playing came naturally and tunes unfolded simply and logically, vibrant primary and pastel colours streamed from my lips with the music, meandering outward around my head, back inside my ears, mingling, seeping and filling all the cracks in my brain. Flowing like 2d and 3d vines or a river they were very fun to create having complete control over them producing the sounds, their colour, shape and texture. I eventually stopped as my jaw became sore from the clenching and tension my playing was putting on it. <br> <br> Tuesday <br> At about one thirty in the morning I decided to have a shower as I was very sweaty and manky. The biting hot water felt superb, each needle of water shooting down tingled on my body, holding my mouth open with my tongue to the stream was exhilarating heating me up, electrifying my skin. Washing my body with the rough shower spongy thing was great so rough and cleansing, I also got my back cleaned which always feels great. After a long hot shower washing my hair for ages scratching and scritching my scalp and ears as I love to when tripping or on any tactile drug I got out feeling gorgeously clean and shiny, having removed all the grime and dirt from tripping. My partner had cooked a chicken thing, and made some decent coffee, taking it back we sat down and drank the gorgeous tasting rich coffee, while it didn’t take long for my partner to discover the chicken didn’t really agree with her body at the moment (it turned out through a confusion of time, and forgetting to change one of our clocks for daylight saving, it wasn’t cooked enough). I ate a banana and an apple with some bread and jam to fill me up a bit. <br> <br> I continued to listen to music on the headphones, some lovely Sennheiser HD515’s that are gorgeous for tripping so clear and rich, wrapping me up in delightful synths. I lay on the bed listening to Hallucinogen, oh that was truly wonderful. I do believe I could spend an entire trip tucked up in bed listening to music through headphones, a simply spectacular activity when supremely squiffy, even nicer with a blowjob blow jobs are so nice to give when I’m fucked it feels as though my partners rock hard cock is everything in the world and a perfect way to show him I love him utterly. Yummy!!!! <br> <br> Around six o’clock in the morning my partner woke up and we sat about chatting for a while, not wishing to finish yet we decided to snort some MDMA crystal. We have no tube with which to snort, but I remember I have a blunt wrap skin which comes with a handy plastic tube inside. I roll a very tasty blunt, and save it for later (it’s still curing several days later, I think I’ll keep it for a special occasion). I cut some off the rock and racked up four lines, two small (3inches) and two largish (5 inches). I take the big and little one, my partner then snorted a smaller one, leaving the large one for later. Instantly feeling alive and energised my body came alight, as though hooked up to a car battery we’re soon buzzing our tits off. The line burnt us both quite badly but it certainly made the morning start very well, better than breakfast that’s for sure. I felt quite queasy from a drip that slips right down my throat, and about five minutes later after urging a little I puked a Lucozade coloured sick into the bin(I had been drinking it), feeling tremendously better afterwards we just kept on coming up and up. We sat on the bed chattering inanely and incessantly for hours. <br> <br> Able to talk and communicate exceptionally expressively we chatted about the night, the conversation flowed lucidly each of us often finishing each others sentences. The confusion and head fuck of the acid was removed; the two chemicals synergising perfectly, memories and feelings of the evening became much clearer, we were able to articulate our thoughts, emotions and sensations far, far better. Taking the MDMA on the way down from the acid certainly helped us integrate our experience fluidly, make sense of it and gain much more than we ever could have had we not taken it; th. At about nine o’clock I took the remaining line. We opened a bottle of champagne and drank it fairly quickly getting nice and tipsy. <br> <br> Napping slightly and enjoying each others bodies. The MDMA with the acid made sex uber fun and made it incredibly easy for me to come, whereas my partner could stay rock hard for hours on end but still reach orgasms. The two drugs synergise so well together every part of the sex was controllable and breathtaking, we would definitely recommend everyone to try it. The best part for me was the feeling that our souls had fused into a single amazing energy, producing something known in tantra as a kundalini. This briefly explained is when all 7 chakras in the body open up and an amazingly strong energy spirals up through them and out my crown charka. This was something I knew nothing about until after this had happened and my partner has shown me on the internet. Wriggling about all over the place moving every which way we wanted having far too much fun that someone somewhere must be having an awful time. <br> <br> Every tiny pressure felt exquisite, our inhibitions nowhere to be found. With each thrust and movement together the energy surged from me into her, making orgasms overwhelmingly frequent that we had to pause to calm down quite often. She can also ejaculate which is damn sexy anyway, but with the pure sensual brilliance of the sex and its overwhelming power she ejaculated more than ever making everything soaking wet. We got so unbelievably horny then sated our every lustful passion, loving every second, savouring each moment. It was wonderful as a man, able to sensually feel every tiny sensation and texture, but to have complete control over my orgasm was a wonderful skill. Allowing me to keep going as long as we desired (2 hours) and finally ending in an tremendously world trembling psychedelic explosion that was simply body-bendingly brilliant <br> <br> All women can ejaculate they just don’t know it, the main way that I find myself being able to is just to relax and enjoy every sensation in my body……the acid will help me do this. It will give me the most amazing orgasms of my life and also makes my partner incredibly hot for me. Sharing all these experiences and knowing each others bodies the way we do is a truly special thing. <br> <br> Afterwards we moved to the back room, I rushed about bringing things back and forth from the other room, setting up camp on the sofa and spare bed. We sat watching the rain bash down against the window, smoking a few cigarettes chatting more and more. We have only fairly recently moved into our flat so the spare room is still a bit bare and I started to put a few posters up and move stuff about making it more homely. We chatted about all sorts and drew pictures of our feelings and thoughts from the night and time before. The MDMA helped clarify our experience and let us draw much more from it. We came to the conclusion that having sex while coming up had made us feel joined so fully that after when we were no longer locked together we both felt as though we weren’t a complete being without the other. We curled up wholly in love with one other. <br> <br> I took 4 more tabs of acid, and my partner took two or three, to keep everything shiny throughout the day, we chatted some more enjoying the very clean high. Feeling absolutely euphoric and gorgeously warm inside, the world was entirely perfect and couldn’t be better. The acid only gently ran throughout the day, adding texture, tone and colour to an already exquisite day. We had to drop a film back so a gentle stroll into town was pleasant, though a bit much at times. We then went shopping at the supermarket which was quite the sensory overload, coming back feeling rather delicate and incredibly sweaty from the MDMA still working busily away, our eyes looked very dazzling. We went and sat back down, while I smoked a yummy joint and we listened to Shpongle and the Mystery of the Yeti. Having a little to eat we curled up watched some films and telly, then dozed off into a sound a smooth sleep; waking feeling refreshed and extremely happy inside and all-over early the next morning. <br> <br> Wednesday <br> On the third night of acid my partner and I talked for hours. I took 4 tabs, while my partner took 2. Over the course of the night she took 1, then 3 more, while I took 5 then 3 our tolerance being up from the previous nights. We cuddled and kissed while snorting some MDMA taking about half a gram between us over the course of the night. Picking music to play and making a play list was surprising, intensely involving; feeling very exceptionally high indeed buzzing and tensing away like mad, barely able to do a thing we were peaking with attitude, and smoothly. We curled up on the bed chatting away talking a bout shit, nothing and everything. <br> <br> Listening to psychedelic ambience we moved to the other room and spent the evening there waiting for the sun to rise. I smoked a nice joint and watched the walls shift and surge over itself, the corners of the room sneaking around. Everything looked absolutely beautiful, perfectly formed and embossed to precision. We didn’t feel fucked up we felt quite simply amazing, like ourselves, but 10,000 times better, calmer, happier, so peaceful inside, not a thing was wrong and the world was just magnificent. As Thom York says, ‘everything in its right place’ and it certainly was. The simple sublime splendour of being alive and experiencing the world was making my eyes go teary it was so fucking exquisite. <br> <br> My partners jaw was clenching quite badly and she was getting very annoyed with it, I suggested perhaps she do some ketamine as personally I found it totally eliminates any muscle tension completely, very pleasant indeed. I chose not to take any just yet it being around 4-5 in the morning, I wanted to wait and take a fair old bit as the sun rose and shines right in the window. I prepare an 5cm long line, which she takes easily, not long after I ask how she’s feeling and she responds “all warm and gooey, it’s lovely” unfortunately it hadn’t totally removed the jaw clenching, but everything was very nice and fuzzy. The bastard ketamine pisses set in so we go to the bathroom, the hallway is a pretty spooky dark bit, but the candle in the loo is very comforting, a golden warming glow. With everything being rather peculiar closing her eyes to concentrate invariably meant a droopy head and dreamy smile before snapping back to reality and the task at hand. We hold hands and chat about nothing in particular; somehow we decided to walk in to town the next day, though certainly not just yet. Shuffling back like Ozzy, my partner decides bed is a more attractive option jumping in and refusing to come out. After a little coaxing and promising to wrap her up in our duvet and blanket we toddled back to watch the sunrise. <br> <br> I personally felt like a child being looked after by my partner, but also like his favourite childhood toy, loved to an extreme that made me very emotional at times. One memory that I keep coming back to is when my partner wrapped me up in our duvet, tucking it all around me so I looked like a little caterpillar before putting a thick black fleecy blanket over me, he then pulled the covers back from my face and lent in to kiss me on the lips before tickling my chin. I had an overwhelming sensation of being a baby in a pram all snuggled and looked after. <br> <br> We sat listening to Are You Shpongled? and a compilation CD called Unusual Suspects 2, very relaxing and intricate, a pleasure to watch. As the sun started to come up I did some ketamine, 3 large lines, probably about 14 inches in total, I flung the window open held a tissue to my well snotty nose and curled up waiting to go extremely squiffy indeed. Watching the amazing mechanical and organic hallucinations behind my eyes my forehead repeatedly began to buzz in a rising head rush and blinding white light that grows, throbs and subsides. I open my eyes to watch my left hand wriggling puppet-like in perfect synchronisation to every single beat and rhythm, twisting, turning like claws. I could control it somewhat; I could stop if I really wished I knew that certainly. But it was so very neat I had no wish to, I felt slightly compelled by the ketamine, mildly controlled. I have felt this sort of thing before on K, being turned inside out, or being forced to move, or have my consciousness expand creating a totality of music enveloping, driving and controlling every aspect of the experience, wholly immersive forming the complete universe. <br> <br> I must admit I’ve always enjoyed it, after getting over the initial shock of being utterly bound to move in a minutely particular way, sculpting a friend out of hallucinatory clay as he telepathically knows where and how to move is just plain amusing. Ketamine though not overtly friendly and ‘happy’ is extremely wonderful a very enjoyable drug. It does often give me an enormous sense of well-being, filling me up to a wonderful fullness that makes me grin like a kid. <br> <br> My other hand joined in and they wriggled around for some more. I watched the smoke from an incense stick dance writhing wreathed around my fingertips. I watched cartoons on the wall, poking them changing them with my mind. Not long after, this being about a half hour since ingestion I felt nauseous, urged then was sick into my mouth, getting to the toilet I violently yet quite comfortably vomited into the toilet efficiently about three times (kinda like Mr. Creosote), I stared as the toilet stretched to the length of a snooker table, heaved a bit then decided to leave and clean up. My partner had reacted with horror at my vomiting; I think conjuring memories of the first night, feeling really sick then. Shutting herself into the bedroom and refusing to let me in I guess I scared her a bit, reassuring her I was fine I eventually deciding to leave her be, I was sweating profusely and I didn’t stay the same height for more than 5 seconds, I did feel slightly beastly reminiscent of Mr. Hyde’s description in the mirror but very good all over. <br> <br> I stumbled back to the spare room and slumped on the sofa; listening to crystal clear music the tones enriching the world giving it depth and substance while watching as the sky gets lighter. I rested my head and beamed as the music winded through my ears and twisted up my brain good and proper, ‘Divine Moments Of Truth’ was simply spectacular as the little critters rotated all through my messy head giving it a good sorting out sideways. <br> <br> At some point my partner came to join me again, she had been under the covers for a few hours down a k-hole, coming back to reality we both did some more ketamine. I had a small nosebleed that I dabbed up then disposed of the rest of the filthy stuff straight up my shnozzle. We tucked ourselves up in the rugs and watched as the crisp morning sunshine blazed right onto our window. Feeling utterly serene, warm and all gooey inside made us grin like the Cheshire cat. My head dropped onto the back of the sofa and I closed my eyes, the pure clean sun beat down warming my eyelids from the chilly air, the bright light made red and pink, white, and dazzling sparkly colours explode into my head. Fractals that warped and grew insanely, there beauty breath-taking all I could do was lie immobile in awe at the sheer splendour thinking how damn lucky I am to be able to experience this; which I think I did for about 90 minutes. Gently drifting back from god-knows where feeling absolutely ecstatic, fuzzy and gorgeous all over. “It’s so fucking great to be alive”. <br> <br> I think this experience has made us completely content with life and happy knowing that we can always be together and live a blissful existence with each other. <br> <br> After amazing showers and my partner pampering me completely, we set out to town late in the afternoon. The walk was amazingly refreshing and crisp; the world seemed so peacefully in tune with us. Both of us found that our legs just walked without effort leaving us free to concentrate on talking and taking everything in. It was a gorgeous winter evening and we were both warm and snuggled in our thick coats holding hands, giggling like small children. It felt as though we were on holiday, exploring the renewed world that shone with detail. As it got darker and we got to the centre of our town we both noticed that Christmas lights were starting to be put up, which seemed amazingly appropriate as we had both said earlier that we would treat that night as our Christmas, everything felt magical, brimming with good-will like late night shopping. After a few hours in the town we decided to go to the cinema to watch the Corpse Bride. This is the first time I have been to a public place squiffy and found it to be amazingly enjoyable. The film was incredibly involving although I feel the theme of death was a little too strong for me; however the ending made me weep like a child (it was an incredibly gooey film, lovely). <br> <br> It was a truly special time and I can see why drugs such as MDMA and acid where used as a form of couple therapy, it definitely helped my partner and I. The ketamine at the end of our fun tied everything up nice and neatly. I find K narrows down my scattered mind superbly, twisting me sideways then setting me on my feet; reality doesn’t come as so much of a shock. It leaves me feeling so very gently serene, tranquil and completely calm, harmonious inner peace interlaces through my essence propelling me so softly through my day. It packages me up and places me delicately back into sobriety after my intense experiences. <br> <br> Our few days were an utterly astounding bonding experience, bringing us so unbelievably close together, joining us into one then showing us the pure beauty in the simple existence of life, the unadulterated bliss of being a living creature on earth. <br> Have fun living. xx<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 47765</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 6, 2006</td><td>Views: 89,864</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=47765&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=47765&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Ketamine (31), MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), Glowing Experiences (4)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 tablets</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/diazepam/">Pharms - Diazepam</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> LSD Delirium - A cautionary tale <br> <br> Perhaps a little history is in order. I've taken acid twenty times, had a few hard trips (in fact none of my trips have been completely pleasant, but that's the nature of the beast) but always been better off, learned something valuable from the experience. No regrets there! <br> <br> I don't usually write experience reports, but it struck me that I haven't read many reports that take into account the amount of sleep a person has had beforehand. This experience is set on the third and last day of a large music festival at which I had been both helping out and partying, and as a result I had been left with four to five hours sleep each day. I had been smoking about half a gram of strong cannabis each day for the last week or so, while at the previous festival and on the road in between, which is about five times as much as usual. On this beautiful Sunday afternoon with the vibes of thousands of happy dancing people I had decided it was a good time to trip, to seek musical inspiration and perhaps uncover some issues I might need to work on. <br> <br> By chance I was given a dose of liquid LSD, and when asked whether I wanted a full dose or a half I hummed and ha'ed, unsure as to what would be the better option. This new friend grinned and made the decision for me, giving me what he considered a full dose. It would be silly to guess the dose but I know it was a big one, as first alerts were noticed within ten minutes and the toilet cubicle door was waving subtly at fifteen minutes. <br> <br> Once back at the campsite I felt unsettled and a bit nervous, and I thought some music would help. I put on a hat and picked up an astrojax, and made my way 100 metres down the hill to the dance area, and found a nice spot to sit under a shade marquee. A juggler had me mesmerised, telling stories with his silver clubs, relating the hard work in juggling, beggaring belief at his unending efforts in the sun. It's hard for me to document my gradual drift from reality, but it started as a guy sat down next to me and asked about the astrojax I was holding. I was able to explain that it was a toy, but when I got up to demonstrate I got a knot in it almost immediately and had to sit down again. <br> <br> Around this time paranoid fantasies began to proliferate, and I thought there had been a mass dosing, that everyone around me was also just beginning to trip hard. As I watched a lady stagger into the shade from the sun I pondered the implications of this mass dosing situation. After a few seconds of contemplation I yelled 'FAN-FUCKIN-TASTIC!!' really loud and startled a few people even over the loud music. <br> <br> This sort of jarred me back to reality for a few seconds, I felt a bit silly and decided to watch the juggling again. However the juggler had left, and my attention was drawn back to the guy sitting next to me. It struck me that he was an undercover cop, and the LSD was being used as a mind control device to keep outspoken people isolated and sterile. The music seemed bland and a little ominous, and as a truck rolled in and spread a stinkhaze while emptying the portapotty, my thoughts of government chemical control seemed confirmed. <br> <br> There was a sudden shift as the truck moved out again, someone put up an umbrella that said 'peace festival', and the dj changed the music to something a little more upbeat. 'No no no, they nearly got me but I'm not falling for that' I thought, that was a pretty clever trick but I knew I was being manipulated. The dj swigged from a clearly labelled bottle and I chortled in disbeleif as I wondered how much he'd just earned for this blatant endorsement. <br> <br> About this time I 'realised' that someone had found the cellphone I left to charge backstage, and that they were about to break the news to me that I had received a text message from my partner saying she was pregnant. I saw a girl coming towards me gingerly holding a plastic bag, I could see the cable for the charger in the bag, I heard someone say 'two months' and it was all the proof I needed. I stared at the hills over the dome stage and saw a sun of white light rise, one of the only real hallucinations I had with open eyes. <br> <br> At some level I knew it wasn't true, but emotions flowed nonetheless, I felt the joy of new life and the empathy from happy parents nearby, and I felt the pain and regret of lost opportunity. I shed a tear or two, silently. A story was being told to me in the motions and conversations of all the people around me, of the dual nature of life, of both being sacred and hurtful. We multiply and tax the environment hugely, and yet we bring so much joy to each other. I felt like human life was negating itself, living and dying but what happens inbetween? Then the answer became clear as a new song appeared, effortlessly uniting all our energy into one colourful thread. Music is the source and product of inspiration. <br> <br> Then the conspiracies came to a head. The cops were ready to lead me away, and I was ready to go. Somehow that simultaneously didn't exist at all, and it was actually time for me to put on the show of my life. I had the astrojax, I was totally inspired by the crowds of beautiful people and my supposed creation of new life. The creator of astrojax had hypnotised me over the years of watching those strobing lights in the dark, he had set up the festival, brought me here and dosed me, and now was the time to reciprocate. <br> <br> I stood up, stepped carefully backwards over the fence, and marvelled at this ideal obstacle course of cow tracks on which I could prove my balance. I turned to face the crowd and started an orbit. WOOPS forgot about that knot! I tried to continue but it was impossible. This was still an opportunity to prove myself, so I stated to all and sundry that I would pick my way through the thistles, climb that fence, and navigate the steep hills to support my pregnant partner. Of course by this stage I was probably babbling. <br> <br> I can't remember much of the real world for a few hours, but apparently I had to be led backstage as I was beginning to freak some people out, and was getting a bit clumsy. Once backstage I wouldn't calm down and was getting more wound up, so my friend was consulted and he thought it would be a good idea to intervene. I was restrained and force-fed four valium, and held in place until I passed out. <br> <br> During this time of total delirium I had an out-of-body experience, I met people and was subjected to a lot of history. Major themes I recall involve the realisation that I had to die to avoid everyone suffering, that I had family I never knew about, and that I was the Creator. For a long time I felt stuck, isolated, like people were trying to get through to me, and I could hear their feeble voices inploring me to breathe out and let go, but I was still afraid. The concurrent fantasies were still continuing, those people were also the police trying to arrest me, they were also my friends waiting for me to get up off the curb and tell them I was ok (this follows on from my first ego death experience seven years ago). <br> <br> Finally I surrendered, stopped saying no, no, no, and said yes. At this moment I saw a vertical line curve into a series of horizontal lines, a strong hand clasps mine and lifts me up, his tattoos moving onto my arm, the triangles of the geodesic dome multiply inwards and fold away, letting in water and white light. The water flows down my throat and the crippling dehydrated feeling melts away. I open my eyes and cry out for joy at simply being there, at experiencing the awesome curling koru spirals of the earth's spirit. I remember yelling out that I made life, I'm making music, it's LSD-25! <br> <br> I had the idea that I had successfully synthesised this drug within my own brain and got everyone high, and that I was causing a feedback loop, giving massive power to the sound system just by willing the music into being. 'I'm the first generation' I proclaimed, although I'm not sure how to explain what I mean by that now. Something to do with not letting myself die, I was one of the original humans and was stuck in my first iteration until I managed to breathe out again and connect with my mate, and when I did it caused an exponential growth in awareness and connection. I hear from my friend that my voice had an insane zeal, and I know why. These were profound ideas. <br> <br> As I looked around the backstage area I saw vaguely familiar people, I knew they weren't my long lost brother or my girlfriend or 'the opposite harmonic to my existence', but they were still significant to me. I saw they were happy and this cheered me immensely, and I began dancing madly, throwing my dreadlocks around, spinning on the carpet (just like Homer Simpson's chicken walk, so I was later told) and clapping with the music. I sat on a soft chair and waved my arms in order to bounce up and down, like a child who had just discovered the joy of dancing. Unfortunately I got carpet burn on my ankles (I was barefoot), right hip, and elbows, from the breakdancing. I also picked up bruises on my thigh, knee, lower back, left arm, heel, and forehead. I don't know where these came from but apparently some happened before I'd been fed the valium. I didn't feel the pain of the carpet burn until the next day, but on some level I knew it was best to stop dancing on this carpet. <br> <br> I felt remarkably together, and stood up to have a look around. The air was suffused with light and dancing dust motes. I found a bit of dreadlock that had been pulled off while dancing, and held it in a beam of sunlight to see the chaotic curls of hair lit up. I saw the dj (a different one by now) through a gap between the front and backstage halves of the dome, and clapped him on as he played my music back to me. I look down and see a table with various plates of food on it, and congratulate myself for making this food appear, seemingly just by thinking about it. The soundguy is peering at me and I shout to him, 'I'm Peter Pan!', and pick up a slice of green pepper and munch on it. Yum. <br> <br> I sit back on the floor and notice that my pants are stopping me from sitting in the lotus position properly, and begin to undo them. A friend notices this and tells me to 'keep those on, mate'. I realise it's a good idea as soon as he says it, and probably wouldn't have taken them off anyway. My stomach sends me an alert, and I make for the gap at the back of the dome, catching a few strands of hair on the velcro. I ponder those strands for a few seconds and think it might be good to keep pulling until all my hair is gone, but this thought leaves me just as quickly as the thought of taking my pants off. I stumble out the back of the dome, down a little hill, and spew hugely. My eyes are filled with tears and I can't see a thing, I'm confused and wonder why this is happening so I look up at a friend. Another false realisation dawns on me and I say 'ayahuasca'. He doesn't know what I'm talking about, but seems to realise that I'm just using words to try and make sense of the world again. <br> <br> I was led to my friends tent, and as he persuaded me to lie quietly on the floor. I wondered why I wasn't tripping very hard, even though it was still light outside. I was expecting to be tripping until well after night fell, and had been looking forward to watching the lightshows. He tells me he's still tripping (he had just under half the amount of liquid acid I'd had) and wants to stay with his own trip, so I keep quiet even though I'm bursting with profound ideas. I drifted out of consciousness again after a short while, and woke when it was dark. <br> <br> I desperately needed to find the toilet but was having trouble walking, I didn't know if I'd make it to the portapotty and was wracked by indecision until I decided to just piss on the hill before it was too late. This happened again almost exactly the same way a few hours later, I was stumbling around and nearly fell a few times. I realised I had a bit of spew on my pants and crawled into my own tent and got changed. I passed out once again and when I awoke it was light, and I heard voices talking about me. <br> <br> 'That guy with the dreads, yeah, some people have a hard day but that was a real hard one'. I was confused as I thought things hadn't been that bad. I got up and walked about the campsite a bit, catching up with the various djs and their partners, they were friendly to the point of further confusing me, giving me warm hugs and asking how I was even though I had met most of them only a few days before. Their expressions were mixed between slight concern, bemusement and empathy, I later learned that all but two of them have had similar experiences before, with LSD or mushrooms. At that point I still didn't know that I'd been restrained and fed valium, and I vaguely wondered why I had sore feet. As my friend and I left the site he related what he knew, and I wished I could have stayed a bit longer and talked about it with some of the kind people who had looked out for me. <br> <br> For the rest of the day and most of the next I felt vey content, relaxed and open and just a little dopey. Colours appeared brighter, I recalled many of the OBE memories vividly and could retell many of them, and my wounds were barely noticed. I met some people that night and made friends quickly, something that usually takes me a lot longer, and when we played a game of Cranium I found my faculties intact, answering obscure questions and reading clearly. <br> <br> On the third day after the trip I felt a bit down, somewhat tired and a bit out of sorts, but nothing worse than a usual tired day for me and nothing approaching the darkness of my teenage depression. On nights five and six after the trip I found myself in a half wakeful state while lying in bed, and I thought I was back in my tent on the top of that hill. It took a minute of piecing together evidence to work out that I was, in fact, in my bedroom at home. <br> <br> On the first of those two nights I woke my partner to excitedly tell her about the lightshow around the ceiling, and realised it was just moonlight seeping in! On that sixth night I had a very profound dream, that I was in a flat field with a lot of people in the same semi-lucid superconscious state that I had been, during my OBE backstage. I realised during that dream that everybody had in fact been 'mass dosed' and was in the same state as me, although they had gotten there by entirely different routes to mine. We shared the same timeless moment. <br> <br> That day has left me with an increased appreciation of sleep as a resource for the mind, and I won't take a strong psychedelic unless I'm well rested and sure it's the option I want to take. Another realisation was of the value of music, I beleive it is one of the very few methods of true soulful connection between such divergent cultures. <br> <br> Peace <br> Joseph<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 58840</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jan 19, 2007</td><td>Views: 65,948</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=58840&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=58840&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Pharms - Diazepam (115), Sleep Deprivation (140) : Combinations (3), General (1), Difficult Experiences (5), Music Discussion (22), Guides / Sitters (39), Hangover / Days After (46), Relationships (44), Mystical Experiences (9), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I've enjoyed taking a look through some of these accounts of 'Trips' the good, bad and ugly. I wonder if anyone else who's had a bad trip and read some of the other stories here has felt a loosening of the sphincter reading other peoples nightmare episodes?! :) The following account is an example of one very bad trip in around 30 good ones, but i'ts so far out there I thought I'd cover the bad stuff before the good. I think it's important for any would be tripper to be prepared for the fact that an experience doesn't guarantee that you'll have a good time. Its also fair to say that steps can be taken in order to have a wonderful time, the FAQ section of Erowid has a very well written 'Trip' do's and don'ts list which I think would ensure better chances of a positive psychedelic outcome. Here's my story anyway, it's about the one that went bad. <br> <br> About ten years ago I bought my third trip from a guy in my home town Norwich (UK) It was a 'Strawberry' and I was told it had been double dipped. The guy had a reputation for selling good acid so I happily gave him my cash. My being in Norwich was just a social visit over a couple of days and catching up with friends. On the last day there I decided to drop the tab and use my friends house as 'Trip HQ' He knew what I was up to, he had gone to work and left me his keys to make myself at home. I took the single LSD tab in the late morning in a positive state of mind with no worries or anxieties. I began to come up on the acid towards the lunch time. It was to be the first and last time I'd ever trip alone. Outside it was a glorious sunny day but I was happy enough in my temporary sanctuary to even think about going outside. The LSD rush started blazing up my spine and racing through my guts, I felt a little uneasy with it but had enough mind to allow myself to just go with it and wait until the rush plateaued. <br> <br> It did just that a little later, I'd decided to sit in the upstairs of the house and listen to music on the radio in a sunlit bedroom. I was having a wonderful time, watching floral Escher type patterns breathing over my skin, I enjoyed looking in the mirror looking at my grinning face with very distinct map contour patterns gently washing over my flesh. Its seemed like a great start eh? Well, I vaguely recall deciding to go downstairs again for some reason then the next thing I recall was awakening on the floor of the dining room alone. The first thing I noticed was that there were blowflies buzzing around a bowl of catfood on the kitchen floor (Which was in view) I remember feeling perplexed as to why both flies had two bright neon after images in red and blue. I sat up and tried to figure out why I was on the floor in the first place. Now its worth pointing out before I take you down my helter skelter that somehow because of my black out, I'd completely forgotten that I'd taken anything at all. Prior to tripping I'd also written myself a note of reassurance in case things got too weird. So, sitting up on the floor still, I found my note and tried to read it. Alas because I was acid addled the words made no sense to me. Instead they morphed like alien glyphs and danced around on the piece of paper. <br> <br> It was then that my last little link to sanity crumbled and I heard my voice utter the terrifying words 'I've gone mad!' I had a feeling that I had to be somewhere else which then got heightened by the digital watch I was wearing suddenly bleeping a time alarm at me. but I had no idea why or what it meant. So I left my sanctuary, I later found out that I left the back door wide open thus making the house entirely a burglars free for all. (Fortunately without that as a repercussion) I remember walking almost on auto pilot down a busy street heading towards town, I saw one of my old school teachers who also saw me, but the only thing I did was force a grin and keep on walking. I did indeed walk, not so much as a conscious effort or with any sense of intent, I felt utterly out of control, I collided with someone carrying their shopping -- vaguely heard them cuss at me as I continued in my stride, I turned down a passageway between two houses and strolled though the backdoor of a house I'd once lived in, past the new inhabitant and out the front door. I walked into the city center from there -- I still don't know how I survived crossing roads but I did. <br> <br> I strolled into a city cafe where my friend's son was working, he saw me and said hello, but in my acid addled state of autopilot I just walked past him into the main cafe and sat down, then I stood up and walked out of the cafe without uttering a word. Other than being completely out to lunch on LSD at that time in the trip, I don't recall hallucinating, moreover I was more a puppet on a string guided by some subconscious walking mechanism which had its own design on where I should be, there was certainly no cognitive thinking to my actions. After the brief cafe episode of the trip, the situation just went from bad to worse. Somehow I'd navigated myself through Norwich during the busy lunchtime shoppers and begun to head in the direction of the city's central park 'Chapelfield gardens' As a child I'd always felt a sense of friendliness and comfort there. Now in my fried state the familiar comfort of this park had shifted to its polar opposite, I was now hallucinating on top of everything else. The people in the park were all walking around but my perception had begun to distort their heads and faces beyond any form of human recognition. <br> <br> If you could imagine for a moment being surrounded by people in a busy place where their heads had been removed and replaced by Squids and Octopus you might begin to accurately picture the scene confronting me in the park. Everyone had tentacles smothering their faces and dangling down their necks like fleshy snake beards, even the women and children were not exempt from this disfiguration. The octopoid heads were white in appearance and each person seemed to have baleful staring eyes where their ears should have been. Even in my state of auto pilot I felt nothing but sheer terror at the alien swarm of people walking around me. My feet had obviously decided to make evasive maneuvers because I then found myself out of the park having crossed yet another treacherous main road and was now heading towards a multi storey apartment block. I recall that I got inside the building somehow and wandered in circles on one of the floors of the apartment block, I seemed stuck in a loop of wanting to get out, walking around a circle of short corridors and arriving at a janitors cupboard, I would open the door expecting to find an exit and be confronted by a dead end with cleaning products and brooms. I would repeat this several times like a fly that desperately flies in circles around a kitchen only to collide with the same window again and again. <br> <br> I don't remember how I finally broke the loop but I did. The next thing that happened was the memory of walking around some side streets, into someones back garden via an alley way, I recall a middle aged woman looking a little afraid of me being in her yard and rushing into her house closing the door behind her. I left the yard and I think I walked between two garages, the gap between them was tight, perhaps I tried to go through it anyway, In my mind I was a being trapped inside an ever tightening spiral that I relentlessly marched along. As the spiral tightened my body would begin to crush, if I were to continue down the spiral I would surely be crushed to my final atom. . . I must have snapped out of that little loop of fractal thought mental torture, I was now adjacent to a main road in Norwich called 'Unthank road'. I was in a front garden of another house, the inside of my mouth felt like plant matter, when I tried to scream, my tongue shot out as a mix of flesh and thorny rose stem. The situation was utterly hopeless, and getting ever worse with each lysergic eternal minute. Over the other side of Unthank road from where I stood was a dental repair workshop, a discreet looking workplace that looked just as much part of the houses above it. <br> <br> I recall that I walked into this workshop to the surprise of the men who were working there, I think they said 'Hey, where do you think you're going ' etc, but I was too far gone and on my way out again still under the guidance of this momentum and hidden agenda of the auto pilot within me. The adjacent side street began the final demise of my terrifying trip, you'll have to indulge me in this part and go with the flow of reality and abstract woven together. First off, like a lemming I walked across this side road, onto the pavement then promptly plummeted a good seven ft into someones basement flat, there had probably been a flight of steps leading down to this concrete pit but I didn't see them and wouldn't have known what to do with them if I had. I guess I clambered up to street level again and limped my way up this street which was a bit of a cul de sac. Part of my subconscious memory must have recalled that an ex girlfriend had lived at the end of the street. I found myself walking up to her old front door which was one of those aluminium framed, double glazed types. <br> <br> I recall my reflection looking somewhat like a Francis Bacon painting, a mixture of anguished flesh and black oils ripping like blood down my body. I was falling in eternal darkness, like a fleshy sack of bricks. As I fell forever I would crash through intermittent panes of glass which would shatter and tear me in my never ending descent. With the sound of breaking glass was the wavering crescendo of the word 'Mad' repeating in waves. . . mad, Mad, MAD, MAAAD,MAAAAAD,MAD,Mad,mad over and over as I plummeted, ripped and torn in darkness with splinters of glass falling beside me. Back on the street a voice was saying'There is a way out of this, there is a word, and if it all ever gets too much you just say '_____________' and a door will open to allow you away from here' Back on the street I had staggered a few more paces then fallen. I was now a seven year old child lying on the pavement, my best friends parents stood over me feeling concerned 'What happened', 'He's hit his head', 'Call an ambulance'. A disk-shaped hole appeared above me with someones arm reaching down to me to try and pull me up into safety, I tried to reach the grasping hand but couldn’t, then the hole disappeared. <br> <br> I was staggering along the street again at the bottom of the cul-de-sac. My gaze lifted to the sky and the sky's gaze fell upon me, each cloud was now a giant type of <a href="/culture/show_image.php?i=art/hiab-x_umpsquamadicpeel.jpg">amoeba type organism</a>, covered in dots which pulsed in colour like the skin of a cuttlefish, each giant amoeba had a giant blue human looking eye observing me. I could hear voices taunting me, telling me I was stupid, telling me how thick I was for looking for the answers, telling me I had spastic consciousness. The amoebas seemed to be singing a never ending song which was something like this. . . 'I'm an umpsquamadic peel and if I ever know what I feel, then I know that I felt like this before and I always knew what I was timely for. . . ' (Repeat into infinity with a chorus of about 1000 people!) I briefly saw existence as a giant clock face of a billion dots between each second, the dots were ticking forward in a relentless advance like the movement of a second hand. Each dot was the equivalent of someones lifetime. The internal monologue described that living and dying was part of this eternal chain, It showed me that there was a gap of nothing at the point which marked 12 on the clock face and that was a one second break from the never ending cycle of existence that any soul would have. <br> <br> Then the monologue started laughing at my dismay. In reality I briefly became conscious enough to recognize that I was stumbling through a small children's play area at the base of the cul-de-sac. Its worth describing to you a little about the geography of where I was. Adjacent to the cul-de-sac is a small path which leads to about four flights of stone steps leading to a street below. This street is called 'Park lane'. If you go through the gap in the fence at the back of the childrens play area there is a steep foliage ridden embankment that leads down to a flint gravel parking area at the rear of a Park lane hotel. Guess which route I took! In reality I passed through the gap in the fence, failed to notice the dangerous drop below me then tumbled down the embankment onto the flint parking area. I was crawling on my hands and knees by this point. A piece of flint had torn the palm of my hand making it look like a stigmata wound which was pretty appropriate to the following delusion. . . I was in a place that looked like 'The sea of holes' from the Beatles 'Yellow submarine' movie. <br> <br> This was a white void with an infinity of swarming black dots, I could hear air raid sirens and the sound of buzzing, In the sea of holes was a giant cross which had a festering bloody pile of guts and organs spread across it staining the wood crimson. The guts were smothered in wasps stinging the ruined flesh causing venomous pustules. It was an image of impossible pain then the monologue returned booming over the sirens and drone of the wasps 'This is Christ, he's still suffering for your sins, still paying the price. . . ' More laughter, then a fleeting moment of reality. I had crawled across Park lane and collapsed in the gutter on the other side of the road, my jacket was gone, there were cuts and grazes over my bare arms. A wasp had landed by my elbow and was making a snack for itself on one of my cuts, I remember trying to brush it away and it stinging me as I did. Over the other side of the street I saw a woman pushing a pram and looking at me with concern but now I had returned to acid Hell again. <br> <br> My body was a giant mass of green flesh punctured all over by cactus-like thorns that had grown from within and broken my skin on the way out. I had no arms or legs, I was more like a mass of tendrils with an apple shaped mass at the top. My form was that of pain, nothing more and nothing less. A brief flash of a police car pulling up beside me, someone getting out. . . I was pain, floating in the sea of holes, there were a billion holes, each one a passage leading to another identical ocean of swarming black dots. The monologue told me there was only one hole which lead away from here. . . I was in a hospital, lying on a padded vinyl mattress with medics standing around me, I was human-shape again. The doors of the room I was in swung open to reveal an idyllic country side scene of green hilly pastures, bathed in glorious sunlight and a friendly looking old Oak tree in the foreground view, if only I could crawl through those doors I would be safe, my soul saved. But I couldn't move, the doors swung shut then opened again, now I could see a hospital corridor instead of the fields, someone was being pushed past on a stretcher trolley. <br> <br> Back in the sea of holes it seemed that my gaze in any direction would erase the back dots in their masses, for the first time in this nightmare trip I felt a sense of conscious hope. I began to wipe swathes of dots by sweeping glances into the void around me. . . 'What have you taken?' I was gaining hope by the minute, stripping the black dots away, removing these taunting false exits. . . 'What have you taken? Was it acid?' Surrounded by a self-created white void of comfort I gazed at the final bunch of black dots and knew my release from Hell was merely held by these remaining few. . . 'He's out of it still' I had gazed all but two of the black dots away, these two now had a bridge akin to a line seen in a dot to dot puzzle, in my mind my voice returned as I stared at each dot, I heard my own internal voice yelling 'One Two, One, Two, One one, Two. . . ' Then The two dots looked like my own hands with cuffs around them. The black line bridge had become a visible chain, the white void had faded to become a hospital room. I was in fact on my back on a hospital bed with my arms trapped beneath me, I was looking through my legs at my wrists grazed with the rubbing pressure of police hand cuffs around them, then I yelled 'Get these fucking hand cuffs off me!' <br> <br> In the room with me were a male and female police officer from the Norfolk constabulary, they had obviously been the people who had lifted me from the Park lane gutter and taken me to hospital. The male officer obliged my demand and removed the cuffs. The woman police officer asked me stuff like my name, If I knew where I was but the best I could muster was a brief groan. They both looked a bit frustrated and left me in the room on the hospital bed alone. I was rapidly regaining my sense of self and conscious of reality. I recalled that I had indeed dropped acid sometime earlier, my Hospital surroundings and the amount of cuts and bruises I had were confirmation to me that whatever I'd done, it had seriously backfired big time! I sat on the edge of the hospital bed, noted a number of missing items I had recalled having on my person prior to all of this. I found my pumps in the bedside cabinet and put them on. Then I took my first deliberate steps across the room I was in. The bizarre nature of this entire episode had one final twist installed for me. <br> <br> I recall walking to the door of my single bed room and opening it, a few feet away from me were the two police officers facing each other having an intense conversation about what to do about me. They were so engrossed in their discussion that neither noticed as I came out of the room and begun walking down the hospital corridor. There was a window that stood from floor to ceiling, the type that pivots in the central vertical axis, so judging that I could fit through the gap, I squeezed through it! There is little left to tell of this story, except to say my walk from the hospital to the train station was quite distressing, I was in a lot of pain. Had stitches in my chin, my elbow and hand. My right forearm had swollen up purple making it look like Popeye's right hook. I was still semi hallucinating but very aware of how I'd nearly died and how I had a lot of explaining to do when I got home to my girlfriend. There were no legal repercussions for giving the police the slip, I had caught a train back home to a village in Suffolk which was not in the jurisdiction of the Norfolk constabulary, however they had contacted my father who was in Norfolk, so I had quite a bit of explaining to do for him too! <br> <br> In retrospect, it was the worst day of my entire life, It was the closest I can imagine to having full blown psychosis. I think it was nothing short of a miracle that I didn't end up over someones car bonnet or worse. Do I believe the monologues and symbols of that day? I'm not entirely sure I do, I now understand that intense adrenalin bursts whilst hallucinating are responsible for dragging the mind into the abyss of fear and worst possible scenarios. I kind of feel that I would have a very bleak outlook for life and reality if I believed for a moment that anything I saw in that trip was true. I've had some other trips which were glorious and the polar opposite of that day. <br> <br> So I tend to agree with Aldous Huxley that Heaven and Hell are both valid states of consciousness, It all depends on where the person is at and how we navigate through the psychedelic state which determines which destination we arrive at. If anything puzzles me at all about that day, it would have to be the black-out I experienced early in the trip, I suspect that had I not lost consciousness I would probably have not forgotten that I took the drug and therefore wouldn't have panicked myself into an internal Hell fractal.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1992</td><td width="90">ExpID: 15901</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 5, 2003</td><td>Views: 96,075</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=15901&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=15901&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Hospital (36), Bad Trips (6), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 bowl</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Three days ago, my husband, E., and I went up hiking to Muir Woods. My mindset was good to begin with - I was looking forward to a wonderful, mellow trip in the redwoods with the person I love most in the world. I asked E. if he'd mind if I took a 1/2 hit of good blotter because it'd been a long time since I took a 'low' dose and tripped during the day. Ten years, in fact. I tripped quite often in high school (at least twice a week), and since then have also worked with Morning Glory, Mushrooms, opiates, E, crystal…in short, I am an experienced tripper and drug user in general. I was overjoyed to find a small obliging piece of white paper hiding where I thought there was none. E. was pretty much neutral- not happy or unhappy about my taking the dose, so I listened to my gut and chewed my little white piece of joy as we drove through the sunshine, over the Golden Gate Bridge, and up to the woods. <br> <br> Even though I'd tried this batch before with my usual trip partner, K., I suppose that either storage or the set/setting made what I took particularly potent…I had chewed up my 1/2 tab at around 3:30, and at 4 I realized that it probably wouldn't do anything, so I ate the other half for a grand total of 1 hit. <br> <br> At about 4:30 it started coming on. E. and I were hiking through the Cathedral grove - a very, very beautiful place. The air was rich and loamy scented. The trees were green. The woods were deep and vibrant and breathing and I felt very safe, and cared for as we wandered through the woods. I had been smoking cannabis earlier on that day to quell nausea and boost my trip. I took several hits of my best Indica while in the woods and it really did feel like the sacred act that it is. <br> <br> Unfortunately, darkness was coming and the park closed at 5. No more smoking in the woods for me. My husband led me through the darkening woods to the gift shop. I was enchanted- in the middle of the forest was a little pixie house! All lit up! Then I realized we were going in: it was the Gift Shop! I was very much having an awesome time. There were small 'window boxes' in the gift shop which were 3D and had pics of the redwoods. It looked like each individual one had a little TV in it. That was really neat, and something I haven't had acid do to me before. I do believe that had we stayed in the Redwoods, things would have been great…but an hour in the car later, we got home, and the blotter got stronger…which was very unexpected… <br> <br> I didn't want to leave the woods, but we had to, as the cops came in to clear the parking lot. Unfortunately, I was still coming up, and resigned myself to peaking in the car. The car ride caused me a bit of nausea, but that wasn't surprising to me. After all, anyone who's on a mind-expanding substance really isn't best when put into an enclosed space. I was alright, though - I had brought my I-Pod, and was jamming away in my own mind. E. drove us home, and I happily took in the beauty of the Golden Gate and the full moon which had risen earlier in the day. Riding in the car felt as though I were in an old fashioned horse and buggy, and the cars around us were starting to assume more interesting shapes…I wondered briefly about the strength of the acid, and then shrugged it off, concentrating instead on the musical orgasm that is the Grateful Dead on acid. <br> <br> Around 7pm, the world was still doing it's 'beautiful glowy' thing, when we got home and I decided to take a walk outside. While walking down the street in the moonlight, I got the odd idea that I should walk out to a dark place and talk to the Dark Goddess (a Diety I believe in and work with on occasion). This of course, I recognized as a Bad Idea on several levels because I was 1.) too messed up and 2.) didn't want the darkness to scare me, so I compromised with a walk out to the beach. My husband and I live 30 seconds from the shore, so it's not a big deal to walk there normally. <br> <br> When my last trip came around, both myself and my tripping buddy, K., noticed a kind of 'odd' feeling to the high. We both wondered what it was, as we're both fairly experienced with psychedelics…but we just figured it was one of those trip things. As I walked, I felt the feeling again - and it became stronger and stronger. <br> <br> I was starting to wonder why the acid was so strong. 1/2-1 tab shouldn't really be that large of a trip, but I realized there was nothing I could do and attempted to accept things in stride. <br> Then, as I was walking, I started to feel like someone was running their nails down a chalkboard- really loudly. This grinding, uncomfortable feeling grew, until I felt the need to pray to calm things down. I dropped to my knees on the side of the road. I was worried because my immediate impulse had been to stay in the road, and I recognized that as Not Good thinking. Under the moonlight, I grounded and centered, and prayed with all my strength. Then, the world shifted. <br> <br> Somehow - from being on my knees, I found myself walking down the road (again) for what felt like 10 minutes, and upon close inspection, I realized that I'd been walking past the same house, again and again. I knew that this wasn't possible, so I tried to look at 'markers' along the roadside. Well, my subconscious did a hell of a job, because the house I was walking past was the same - from the same mini-van in the driveway to the same street sign in the front. I must have passed it about seven times before I came to the end of the street. This was a worrisome thing. I am nothing if not experienced with fry, and even with pot (of which I hadn't smoked all that much and certainly not recently enough to cause this) my trip was a little on the strong side… I decided to go back to my house because things were getting the potential for hairiness. I wasn't so much afraid at this point as a little concerned. I had experienced the 'mysterious multiplying houses' before while on a 4 hit trip…however, then I had been too messed up to care. At this point, I decided to focus on the positive and go on with my trip. Now, my memory gets a little garbled. <br> <br> The safety of the apartment was a big relief. My husband and I live in a small apartment by the beach with our big block dog and ferret. I opened the ferret's cage and started to play with him and my dog. The ferret was so happy to be free that he immediately started jumping about and doing what my husband and I call 'bupping'. It's a little 'bupbupbup' sound they make when happy. Well - he was literally jumping all over the place - running up to me, then he'd have a fit of bups which I can only describe as completely hilarious, bite me, then run about two feet away, bup again, then come bite me again. He repeated this process several times. I laughed for ten minutes straight and was unable to respond when my husband asked, 'What's wrong with you?' due to the unstopping laughter. <br> <br> Suddenly, in the midst of the bupping, I felt a 'psychic scream'. It seemed like nails were suddenly being run down a chalkboard. This was the same feeling from my last trip, but intensified. Again, I tried to ignore it…but this time it didn't go away. I also noticed that the trip was seeming to be getting stronger. <br> <br> I asked E. if he knew of any reason why the trip should be getting stronger instead of wearing off. Besides pot, he had no idea. I decided to abstain from marijuana for the rest of the night. <br> <br> I tried to distract myself - I petted my dog, whose coat was now changing colors under my hands, listened to music, and took a shower....but I still heard and felt the Sound. I felt like it would crawl my skin right off my body. <br> <br> I told E. that things were going badly, and I felt I needed 4mg of Ativan but I knew enough not to let myself near the bottle lest I forget I'd taken the pill already and keep swallowing away until there were none left. Time at this point was extremely distorted. I remember E. telling me that two pills was too much - they were 2 mg pills (I usually take 2-4 mg for anxiety as needed). I, however, disagreed. My memory is foggy…back to the trip. I took the pill and waited anxiously for it to kick in. E. tells me I talked him into letting me have a second one, for a total of 4 mg of Ativan. <br> <br> At this point, I was standing next to a wall in our kitchen. The world had started to appear to be on a giant merry-go-round, whose music only I could hear. Every few minutes, it would pop and whir and then start to spin again. This popping and whirring sounded very cartoonish and fake, and I didn't like the sound. Forgotten was the fact that I was me. I tried to remember who I was, and a vague flitting of memories about E., K., and my dog came back. I realized that I'd forgotten who I was. This, I knew, for some reason, was not desirable to me at this point in time. I felt like my spirit was being torn away from my body with each repeat of the sound. I was near to breaking, but pretended to be alright for my husband's benefit. <br> <br> I started drawing, thinking that I'd calm down a little that way. I grabbed a piece of white paper and a red pen. There were 100s of characters on the paper, all un-drawn, waiting for me to give them life. I started tracing them as fast as I could, and actually got a few little cartoon guys down for posterity. After drawing for probably around thirty minutes (two complete pages of LSD doodles), I had noticed that the whir-pop of the merry-go-round world was continuing, and was making me feel like nails were sliding down a large blackboard next to my head. It was horrid. I stood up, knowing I needed to get help, but not really understanding what to ask for. I think I communicated to E. that I was having problems. I remember that I didn't think he understood, as I next called K., right in front of him. <br> <br> I talked to K. on the phone and told her the state of things. She seemed confused as to why I thought the trip was bad. But it *was* bad - so I thought. I didn't like not remembering who I was. I felt so bad for 'cheating' and taking a trip without her that I think I started crying. She asked me a bunch of questions - I think to get me more grounded in reality, however, that was an exercise in futility. I remember being really bummed that I was soo far gone, as the back of my mind knew that I normally would have really enjoyed myself…and then the whirring sound started up again. I felt as though I couldn't talk on the phone anymore, so I told K. I needed to go. She advised that I talk to E. I sat on the couch and started to think of what to say. <br> <br> It sounded like the whir of a Star Trek New Gen door opening combined with a metallic clang each time the 'acid merry-go-round' I was on cycled again. Each time, I felt like I was drawn more and more into the trip, experiencing loss of ego and great fear of death. For some reason, I felt that I needed to deal with the fact that I would die someday. And then, sitting on my couch, I aged forward by about 60 years (in my head of course). <br> <br> I was suddenly very old, and wrinkled, and breathing was labored. I was in my deathbed. I was terrified. I took one last big breath, and it hurt to fight for it. Then, there was blackness in which I felt my heart stop. Darkness pervaded my awareness and fear shook me. This was cause for distress. I felt as though I 'popped' back into my body on the couch. Tears came pouring out of my eyes as I tried to convey to E. what had just happened to me. I had a great sense of dread and fear. This was not right, and I admitted that it was too much for me to handle. <br> <br> I tried to direct E. to the Erowid vaults to show him what to do in case of a bum trip, but apparently, I didn't communicate this well to him, and gestured at the page futilely for about five minutes. He's been around bum trips before, but never had sole responsibility. <br> <br> I told him I needed him to hold me, as I felt a strong urge for bodily contact. I was starting to feel 'psychic winds' which were blowing past our house. Each breeze felt like it would tug my spirit from my body and throw it into the Abyss. I held to E. for dear life, pretty much convulsing from the fear and terror of loosing myself. He held me calmly while I ranted at him for some time about how I was *NOT* okay with dying. I protested my fate with hot tears streaming down my cheeks. This seemed to confuse him, and I didn't know why at the time. I remember him holding me, with me looking at this big dark scary hole that was death staring at me in my mind, just waiting for him to release me to it. I started thinking about it. Really, I HAVE to be okay with dying, because it's going to happen. Do I get upset at the rain for pouring? Of course not - it just is. Likewise, I saw that I couldn't be upset about dying, because I already had. The feeling of 'nails on a chalkboard' ceased, and for a moment, things got calm. Yes, I would die. No, that wasn't a problem. For an instant, everything was calm. <br> <br> I felt right for the first time in years. <br> <br> Then, my paranoia came flooding back with a shap left hook, 'No! It's not okay to die! Are you just going to allow this? Hell no!' My ego screamed for help. I, sucker that I am, felt bad for me and so got sucked back into the whirlpool. This continued until the Ativan calmed me down. E. continuously tried to get me to not think about death (he figured that if dying was causing me such distress, I shouldn't think about it). I got very upset at this. Of COURSE I should think of death now. In my state of mind I could think of no other logical thing to do. It was, after all, right in front of me, and all around me. <br> <br> Then, I had another moment in which I saw myself taking his advice and not thinking of death - I still died…but this time it was worse and even more horrifying because I was so scared and unaccepting - unprepared. Back into my body while being held I snapped. I held onto E. for dear life while the Fear shook me. <br> <br> In about ten more minutes, the Ativan kicked in. The 'evil-merry-go-round' sound had faded. I was so relieved…and then I got pissed at myself. <br> <br> I *nearly* got over my fear of death, and am very upset at myself for terminating the trip early…still, I know that next time I trip, it's going to be on again, and I've got to face death, but in an odd way I'm looking forward to it. <br> <br> The feeling of exhilaration and absolute freedom and happiness when I resigned myself to death was amazing. I want it back, and I want to live my life with that freedom, so am preparing myself for another trip. This time, I shall bring K. along, and I will be comfortable taking a larger dose (probably about three tabs). Just to illustrate how potent set and setting are, I tripped with K. about six months or so ago, and had no problems (and a shitload of fun and good revelations) from around five tabs. (We can't be exactly sure…but I think it's closer to six). One tab really kicked my ass a few days ago. <br> <br> From now on, I will reserve three days for my trip experience as so many who are wise in such matters advise. I shall also be bringing a copy of 'The Psychedelic Experience' along for whomever is sober and trip-sitting. It really could have helped me. This was actually my strongest trip to date, and I really wish I had prepared myself better for it. If I had prepared, I would have come out fine on the other end rather than needing to terminate the trip. Ah well - this is what experimentation is there for. Please, be careful and be safe!! <br> <br> An odd after effect: As I was meditating last night, I started to feel very altered, so checked my pupils…and they were dilated. This is pupil dilation three days after I dosed. I decided it was a result of the meditation, and continued meditating until I fell asleep. On waking this morning, my eyes were still dilated. Things look a little brighter than normal. <br> <br> I react in this way to E. too: after falling asleep after a roll, when I wake in the morning, my eyes are dilated and I feel like I'm rolling again for a good few hours. At first I was worried about this, but it seems to be my particular brain chemistry. The dilation has not hurt me in any way, and I still feel wonderful. Blessings to all - may you learn from my mistakes!<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2006</td><td width="90">ExpID: 57989</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jun 5, 2007</td><td>Views: 69,016</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=57989&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=57989&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : Difficult Experiences (5), Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> BACKGROUND- My next-door dorm neighbor freshman year of college was an extremely eccentric, not overly stable, ambiguosly gay southerner named Ian. And by ambiguously gay, I mean he rubbed on guys' chests when he was drunk and a platonic girlfriend of his told my roommate in Spanish that he had told her that he was gay. Ian, of course, denied this and then insisted that he had sex with women in England with knives but now thought sex should 'mean something.' <br> <br> Ian was basically Ignatius J. Reilly on drugs. Ian wasn't fat like Ignatius, but he said he was in middle school. And despite being named Ian, which was his middle name anyway, he was as American as apple pie, as were his parents. But you'd never know this from talking to him. Ian constantly spoke with a fake British accent, smoked weed out of an Egyptian hookah in his room, had a large collection of Persian daggers, often broke into Persian folk songs, and his favorite exclamations were 'Bloody Americans!' and 'That's barbaric!' He was also obsessed with the movie version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. <br> <br> One day, a campus dealer named Rob who looked like a big surfer with long blond hair, a goatee, and sunglasses wandered into my room on acid following Ian. I then watched an African cable channel with Rob and Ian and, in theory, we were all on DOC, an obscure hallucinogenic designer drug. I felt nothing and Rob and Ian wondered if I had some kind of weird 'high tolerance to hallucinogens.' <br> <br> Ian then made some business connections with Rob and his little shaggy brown-haired dealer friend Dan. These dealers knew a local washed-up hippy woman who they got acid from. Most of the acid they bought from her was fairly weak, as in people would do four hits of it and not cross into the 'psychedelic' threshold of 'ego-death' and 'life-changing' mystical experiences. <br> <br> I wanted to try acid simply out of curiosity and I planned on starting with a small dose. I had no delusional aspirations of connecting with any kind of higher power and thought acid was just going to be a cheap thrill. I was about to learn that on large doses, acid is a very expensive thrill. My only prior experience with drugs was weed and alcohol. I had already seen the Fear and Loathing movie, but it did not prepare me at all for the weird, wild Native-American, Buddhist, and beatnik shit I was going to be dealing with. <br> <br> I told Ian I wanted to try acid and he ran out and bought ten hits of white blotter paper from Rob and Dan, who were splitting profits at the time. <br> <br> 'So, Ian, how many should I do?' <br> <br> 'Well, I just bought ten hits. And I'm going to do six, so...why don't you do three? Or, if I do six and you do three, then there will only be one left and that won't be any good at all by itself. Do you think you can handle four? I'm sure you can because you seem to have a high tolerance to psychedelics.' <br> <br> 'Alright, whatever.' <br> <br> STAGE 1:SPEED- I gave Ian forty bucks and ate the four tabs all at once at around 8:00 P.M. on a Friday. I also ate 4 vitamin C tablets. I was in an extremely good mood that day. I listened to 'Cleetus Awreetus-Awrightus' by Frank Zappa on repeat for about an hour while looking at Latina porn to try to put myself in an even better mood when Ian came in to get me out of my room because my prudish narc roommate who doesn't even drink was coming back to the room and I was already starting to laugh uncontrollably with huge pupils. I ran around outside laughing maniacally. I never had so much energy in my life and it felt great. Everything seemed extremely windy, although it's not clear how windy it actually was outside, and hills seemed infinitely steeper. As I ran, all my surroundings were very gradually bending as if everything was getting sucked into one point, which was whatever point I was looking at. In other words, everything looked like a fish-eye camera lens from a Busta Rhymes music video. <br> <br> Around 11:00 P.M., Ian led me to his room with the Rob and Dan and two girls I had never met before, one very tall and one very short. They were all smoking out of Ian's hookah, and by the girls' request, there was no weed in the hookah, just shisha. Ian walked in letting the girls know that he and I were tripping on acid and the tall girl didn't look too happy to hear this. She had, after all, requested that there be no weed in the hookah. The short one was having a great time, though. I thought I remembered the short one alluding to the fact that she had pornographic pictures of herself posted somewhere, but this is debatable as I was on acid. They turned on some music and Dan said, 'Is the room just like filled with music?' <br> <br> Although everything already looked like a cross between a rap video and an Edvard Munch painting in ultra-high resolution, I looked around the room and didn't see music 'filling it', so I calmly answered, 'No, but I feel like everything's getting sucked into one point.' <br> <br> 'Where's the point?' the short girl asked, laughing. <br> <br> 'Wherever I'm looking.' <br> <br> Dan then decided that I must be having a really lame trip since it had been 3 hours and the room wasn't even filling with music. When I said I had done 4 tabs and Rob and Ian mentioned that I had done three milligrams of DOC and didn't feel it, Dan responded, visibly drunk, 'You have a problem with psyches. Are you on any SSRI's?' <br> <br> 'No.' I wasn't and never have been. <br> <br> 'That stuff'll screw you up, man. You need to smoke.' <br> <br> Dan and Rob's advice at this point was for me to smoke a lot of weed to intensify my 'lame trip.' Someone accidentally knocked Ian's hookah over and the glass bottom shattered and hookah water spilled all over the carpet. <br> <br> 'Don't worry about it, Ian,' Rob insisted. 'Worry about it tomorrow when you're sober.' <br> <br> Then the short girl went to our hall bathroom to vomit from overdrinking and Dan took me and Ian outside to smoke weed and meet someone named Walt, who he said was 'the same person as Ian.' This is a hardcore bad thing to tell someone on acid. Outside the dorm building, Dan said to me, 'I like that girl.' <br> <br> 'The porn one?' I inquired. As soon as I said this, I wondered if it had actually made any sense. I thought that girl had something to do with porn, but I couldn't remember what this connection was as soon as I said it and I wondered if that was just the acid talking. <br> <br> 'Yeah.' Dan replied. I guess it did make sense. <br> <br> As we were walking outside to go smoke weed out of Dan's pipe, and his weed was pretty potent by campus standards, I began to get massively hyper again and felt great. I was also beginning to feel my thought process deteriorate and felt like I kept seeing the same four greasy New Jersey guidos with popped collars scurrying around and felt like they were 'planning something.' I decided against telling Dan this because a part of me still realized that was the acid talking. I also kept biting my lip uncontrollably, but it didn't hurt at all and I felt great while I was doing it. Dan started to get nervous, saying, 'He looks like someone who just coked up. Uh, we haven't really tested this batch so we're just trying to see how people react to it.' He told me to stop biting my lip and I told him I didn't see why it mattered since it didn't hurt and it's not like I could stop biting it anyway. It was this automatic thing I couldn't control. <br> <br> 'Areyougettingthisweirdstimulanteffect,Ian?' I mumbled at blinding speeds. <br> <br> 'Uh...no.' <br> <br> Anyway, I smoked a greater amount of potent weed than I probably had ever smoked in one sitting before because I didn't feel any full mechanism or any normal weed high, so I just kept on smoking. I also met the extremely eccentric, faux-British, hookah-smoking Walt. Walt was in fact very similar to Ian, except he literally looked like he had walked off the set of Beetlejuice or The Nightmare Before Christmas. When I saw this guy again sober, he didn't even look that far removed from a skeleton or a ghost as he was bony, emaciated, and very pale. On acid, he had hair and everything, but I literally could not figure out how this undead claymation leprechaun was human. At first, I thought this was funny and thought the LSD had just conjured up some ridiculous claymation skeleton character for me to talk to. I kept getting right up to his face and saying, 'He's not real! There's no way he's real!' and laughing. <br> <br> Dan laughed and said, 'Yeah, that's how I feel on acid. I feel like I'm the only one that's real.' <br> <br> And I knew what he was talking about, that depersonalized, virtual-reality simulator feeling that is the foundation of the acid experience at any dosage. It's the feeling of looking down at your own arms and wandering if they're really your arms or if they're just as much a part of the scenery as everything else. But this was very different. I literally couldn't figure out how Walt could be human. <br> <br> Then I realized that Dan was talking to him too and he wasn't on acid. Dan had also told me earlier that acid doesn't make you see things that aren't there and then everything froze into a still frame for a second as I panicked and felt too far gone and started to fight it. But then I quickly realized it was far too powerful to fight and trying to make sense of what was really going on at this point was fighting it. So I gave up. I just laughed and thought to myself, 'Well, if the claymation skeleton guy wants to talk to us, I'm sure he's a friendly claymation skeleton and we'll all have a good time. Good trip.' <br> <br> Then some really hardcore visuals started. I was still hyper and biting my lip like someone was paying me to do it, but now everything I could see looked like it was made out of a tapestry of 2-inch glass crystals. Then the features of people's faces were being outlined like someone was drawing them with a pen. Then my entire field of vision was outlined with a black border like a frame from a comic book and I exclaimed, 'I feel like I'm in a comic book!' <br> <br> We were smoking on a hill next to a building that even sober looked like some kind of Mayan temple step pyramid. Then for a few seconds, everything below the top of the hill turned black and I felt like we were floating on a hill high in the sky with a mystical Mayan temple. I then felt like I was growing another pair of eyes through which I began seeing very elaborate images. I'll call them 'mind's eye visuals' for future reference. And in these mind's eye visuals, I kept seeing everything as being extremely tall and skinny and distorted and I said, 'I feel like everything's tall and skinny!' <br> <br> Walt said, sounding not unlike the Dark Lord Lucifer himself, 'Noowwww IIIII bellliieeevvveee you'rrreee onnnnnn accccciiddddd.' <br> <br> Walt also blew pot smoke out of his nose like some kind of a goddamned dragon and made a truly distrubing facial expression opening his eyes really wide that I don't think is physically possible to accomplish unless the beholder is on a lot of LSD. Walt and Ian then sat next to each other discussing hookahs and finishing each other's sentences. Everything went into slow motion for a few seconds as they stared into each other's eyes and said pretty much in goddamned unison, 'Why haven't we met? Yes, why haven't we met?' This was way too intense for me to be dealing with on acid. It seemed as though Ian and the claymation skeleton were becoming one entity of completely incomprehensible behavior. <br> <br> Anyway, after a few jitters, everything was going great. Dan had to leave for a few minutes and Ian wanted to go to CVS to buy some stuff to fix his hookah. Ian made me follow him to CVS and I kept telling him that I shouldn't go in there because I still couldn't stop biting my lip and it would look weird to the people in CVS. Ian didn't care and we went into CVS anyway. <br> <br> I ran around CVS like a meth-crazed marionnete puppet making weird gestures with my hands as they perpetually hung by my head. And then I saw the Pearly Gates of Heaven. I was standing in front of an ATM machine looking at Ian buy duct tape for his hookah at the counter of CVS when time slowed down to a crawl. Everything turned black except for the counter, which, in a flash, transformed into a white podium with huge white gates towering behind it. Ian was at the podium holding a brown briefcase facing the angel/CVS clerk, and he then set the briefcase on the ground. This lasted about three seconds and then flashed back to regular old CVS. But where did the brown briefcase go? And this brief hallucination was as real as my own hands, not like the mind's eye hallucinations I metioned earlier. And Dan had told me I wouldn't see things that aren't there. This was the first moment where I wondered to myself, 'Sweet Son of Satan, how much LSD did I put in my body and why did I do it?' <br> <br> And that's about when I stopped biting my lip and I no longer felt like I was on speed. We left CVS and I began to worry because I had just seen the Pearly Gates of Heaven early in the trip and Ian said he was on more acid than I was. I thought acid was just going to make the room fill with music. Instead I was about to enter a Satanic crash course in Native-American Studies, Existentialism, and Eastern Philosophy. And that's when the journey to Zeesersow began. <br> <br> STAGE 2: THE JOURNEY TO ZEESERSOW- Outside, we met back up with the dealers Rob and Dan. I was now becoming overwhelmed with mind-blowingly elaborate mind's eye visuals of dancing beatniks wearing berets and claymation skeletons. I kept getting the feeling that I was in this weird parallel universe stuck in the art-deco 1940's. <br> <br> This is also when the telepathic communication began. I wasn't literally hearing voices. I could tell what the voices sounded like, but they seemed to go straight to my brain without taking a detour through my ears. In my mind's eye, all these crazy beatniks were dancing around like marionnete puppets and acting like they were, well, on acid. They told me telepathically, with cadence a la William Shatner, 'You're...on...aaaaaaacid. This...is how...people...on...aaaaaaaacid move' and they danced around like one would imagine crazy beret-wearing beatniks on acid would. One beatnik said, as if he was reciting a coffeehouse beatnik poem, 'What...is...college?!' and another said, 'Ich... bin... college' as he danced. <br> <br> I also kept getting images of these claymation skeletons spiraling out of nothingness into existence and just sitting or standing there coldly and not saying anything telepathically. These silent skeletons looked startingly like they were from The Nightmare Before Christmas or the computer game Grim Fandango. They didn't really look like real human skeletons, but cute little cartoony midget skeletons that aren't necessarily very sinister and perhaps even friendly and humorous. <br> <br> The beatniks then began sending me telepathic messages of completely meaningless words. One that was repeated far more than the others was the word 'Zeesersow.' And it rhymes with 'zeeserwow', not 'zeeserbo.' Anyway, they said it so many times you woulda thought that word 'Zeesersow' was the goddamned meaning of life or something. <br> <br> Now I thought all of this was absolutely hysterical at first, couldn't stop laughing, and kept thinking, 'Where is the crazy beatnik that made this terrible student art film that I'm stuck in?' I became convinced at this point that Tim Burton, David Lynch and beatnik poets owe their entire careers to hallucinogenic drugs. I also became convinced that Grim Fandango was based pretty directly on a huge dose of acid. I also kept getting the feeling that I had thought acid was a hippy drug, but really, it's more of a beatnik drug, whatever the fuck that means. The phrase 'mescaline dependscaline' was also repeated pretty frequently. <br> <br> Then the song I had listened to over and over right after I dosed, 'Cleetus Awreetus-Awrightus' by Frank Zappa, kept playing in my head and I kept getting this image of human teeth rattling in a can. I think this was synesthesia from the tack piano. That's about when things started turning from hilarious and pleasant to just plain weird and I kept thinking, 'Uh, is this good or bad?' <br> <br> Human teeth continued to rattle in a can somewhere in my mind's eye and I kept getting this mind's eye visual of a one-eyed midget claymation skeleton playing chess by himself. You read that right. A one-eyed midget claymation skeleton playing chess by himself. <br> <br> Now I really started to feel like I was going somewhere. I felt like I was going on a literal 'trip' somewhere and that I now understood why they call it an 'acid trip.' And it was becoming mind-numbingly confusing to figure out exactly how many people were coming with me. Thinking back on it now, the only people there right then were Ian, Rob, and Dan, but I could have sworn there were about 30 of us. I increasingly began to feel like I was going to some mysterious place farther away than the 1940's art-deco place was from Earth and I was picking up beatniks and claymation skeletons on the way to join me on the journey. <br> <br> Then a train started to go by and I kept getting these crazy mind's-eye visuals that were beginning to blend with my regular field of vision in a way that was hardcore confusing. The visuals were of a huge dark green alien flying saucer taking off and the whole ground shaking and smoke everywhere. So when the train was going by, I nervously asked Dan, 'What's that?' and he just laughed and said, 'It's a train!' He clearly had never done this much acid. <br> <br> And then I knew I was getting close to the mysterious place I had been approaching for some time. And it seemed to be called Zeesersow. At least, as I felt like I was getting near, I kept getting these mind's eye visuals of some kind of eerie machines or aliens disguised as Rob, Dan, and Ian singing this eerie chant that featured a ton of alien words I can't remember, repeatedly ending with 'in the Zeesersow.' And it even had a little bit of a tune. It seemed like I was entering a place called Zeesersow that had its own theme song. And that's when shit started happening in circles. <br> <br> STAGE 3: EGO DEATH/ ONE WITH NATURE- By this point, I was beginning to respond telepathically to the growing onsluaght of telepathic communication until I felt like telepathic messages were coming at me faster than my brain could process. The mind's eye visuals were also becoming so overwhelming that I felt like I couldn't tell which set of eyes to look through in order to just walk forward. Then I felt so overwhelmed with sensory information that I felt like I was going blind. <br> <br> And then the mind's eye visuals stopped and I felt like time and space had completely collapsed around me. I was on top of a hill in front of the cafeteria building and my entire field of vision looked completely flat to the point where I felt like moving forward would hurt. I felt like I was literally stuck inside a flat surface, stuck inside a beautiful, distorted, ultra-high resolution painting of a college campus. I’m stuck inside a motherfucking painting! <br> <br> I then began walking down the hill, and my field of vision froze into a still painting of the hill. I kept moving down the hill and could feel my muscles moving and could still hear things in real time, but all I could see was the same painting from five seconds ago. I was literally blind, except, instead of staring at darkness, I was perpetually staring at a painting. I felt like I was running on a treadmill in another dimension staring at a painting. <br> <br> And then finally I was rewarded with a new painting of my field of vision further down the hill that still had about a five second delay. I felt like my brain was flying apart in all directions and it was no longer able to process sensory information. And then I began to worry that my completely frozen and flat field of vision was starting to wobble and was about to fall over and shatter into pieces of glass and I was going to wake up screaming, seeing reality for the first time. Good trip. <br> <br> Then my vision caught back up with real time on the bottom of the hill and I was relieved... until I watched myself disappear. As soon as I began moving in real time again, I looked down and literally watched my feet disappear and very quickly my whole body disappeared after it. I presume I became 'one with nature' at this point. And I'm pretty sure I was transcending some hardcore shit. I'm also sure I had a very intelligent facial expression at that moment. <br> <br> I could tell that I had left this body to some far away place. Then I turned to look ahead and I thought to myself, 'Well, there goes Nichols,' and I didn't even really understand that it was me anymore. It was just some guy that left. I now wasn't sure who I was and I felt like I was actually about five people at once. And that's when God showed up and I remembered I was from Zeesersow. Or perhaps we were from Zeesersow. It's a judgment call. <br> <br> STAGE 4: ZEESERSOW/THE EDGE/THE WORST PLACE EVER- This is where the trip started to get hardcore. If you thought any of the other stuff I mentioned was hardcore, you are a pussy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. <br> <br> Anyway, as I continued to walk through the quad next to Dan, I felt like my entire reality was crumbling before my eyes. There were 2-inch white blobs flying past me like I was in a wind tunnel and I was literally walking on a giant chessboard. That's right, the entire ground of the quad was literally a chessboard as real as my own hands with alternating dark green and light green spaces for about three seconds and then it flashed back to normal and back to a chessboard on and off for a while. The chess motif was getting stronger. Then someone whispered to me telepathically, 'You're not even paying attention.' <br> <br> Then I felt the massive pull to look at Dan. I turned to look at him and his eyes lit up and tore right into me like Persian daggers. He grew a sinister, knowing smile and I knew God had possessed his body to talk to me. And I don't even believe in God. And I literally didn't even know that people on acid could talk to God. And I just thought the room was gonna fill with music, man! Fuck! <br> <br> God proceeded to tell me telepathically that my entire life had been a sick, sick lie and that I was actually from Zeesersow. He told me that I was some sort of failed messiah that had disobeyed Him and escaped from Zeesersow long ago and I had done something to my brain to block out his constant communication with me and to forget about Zeesersow and assume a fake identity in an essentially fake reality. He told me that every feeling of deja vu I had ever had in my life was Him briefly breaking through to me. He also told me that I had done so much LSD that I had completely broken through whatever I had done to my brain before and was now able to remember the truth. <br> <br> But the bitch of it all was that I remembered. He didn't even have to tell me. As soon as I saw the look of God in that arbitrary college drug dealer's eyes, I started to remember everything He was telling me. I had deja vu coming out of my ass. Normally, being the optimist that I am, I would have thought, 'Well, maybe God's just pulling my leg, and in a couple of minutes, we'll both have a good laugh about this little prank he's pulling on me.' But I 'remembered' that what he was telling me was true. And I remembered that God, who I used to know personally and work for, was an evil tyrant ruling the universe with an iron fist. He wasn't so much some magical, omnipresent androgynous force as much as some cocky male asshole with a sadistic sense of humor who had hijacked the universe. But He sure as hell knew what He was doing. And He sure as hell was way more powerful than me or anything else I had ever experienced. <br> <br> Now that's pretty much the definition of bad news. I mean, if someone says they have bad news, you'd say 'Oh, no, did somebody die?' and if they then said, 'Reality's fake and God is evil,' its hard to know what to say next. Shit? Fuck? Son of a bitch? Son of Sam? What facial expression are you supposed to make? What emotion are you supposed to feel? <br> <br> For quite a while, I felt an emotion I have literally never felt sober and I don't know if it is possible to feel unless you are on a monstrous amount of a psychedelic drug. There have been times over the years that I have been kicked in the balls so hard that I no longer felt pain in my balls and instead just keeled over in nausea. This was probably because my brain was flooded with more pain than it could process and my brain just gave up and made me nauseous in a state beyond pain. Talking to God, I was beyond fear. <br> <br> At this point, the acid's hold was so strong that three-space navigation didn't make a whole lot of sense anymore. I felt like I was in the middle of a revolving door of absolute insanity, not unlike the orgy scene in Zoolander. Everywhere I turned was either Dan or Ian and God would jump between their two bodies and light up their eyes. God was closing in on me from all directions. <br> <br> I immediately apologized telepathically for coming back to Zeesersow and tried to explain it was an accident and that I had done way too much acid. Although, confusingly enough, I couldn't even remember that the person who had done the acid was a college student. I then told Him that I would turn around and leave Zeesersow immediately and never return again. But then He told me that no one can leave Zeesersow. What do you mean no one can leave Zeesersow? He again reminded me that one can not just leave Zeesersow once one enters. Why did I do so much acid? <br> <br> I then felt like He was about to tell me Everything. He was about to destroy me with absolute knowledge and doom me with permanent insanity by giving me more knowledge than the human brain can handle. Thinking back on it sober, I was reminded of a quote from All the King's Men about how the end of Man is knowledge and he can't figure out if it's going to save him or destroy him. And I was convinced that knowledge was going to destroy me. And what the hell kind of crazy, corny, flaky, philosophy major shit is that? Jesus H. Christ! I can smell the weed and incense. What the hell corny part of my brain did that come from? I felt like I was trapped inside a philosophy textbook. Bad trip! <br> <br> Anyway, I felt like the meaning of life was on the tip of my tongue and God was telling me that I already knew it and He was laughing at me beginning to remember and how fucked I would be once I remembered. Give me a break, I was on drugs. And then it became clear to me what would happen if I remembered. I would be in a state worse than death, unable to make sense of or apply meaning to any sensory information. I would effectively be blind, deaf, etc. and in a world of shit. My 'doors of perception' would be 'cleansed', or some William Blake shit like that. <br> <br> And then I 'remembered' about 'The Tribunal' made up of the '12 Lords of the Universe' working under God and I got some mind's eye visuals of 12 old white guys with closely shaved grey beards standing in a circle on a circular pattern of cobblestones floating in the middle of empty black space. And then I remembered how much those guys sucked. They had a pretty pointless cameo and had no real effect on the storyline. Maybe I was going to be put on trial for previously escaping from Zeesersow or something, its hard to say. The drugfucked human brain is not the most coherent storyteller. <br> <br> Then I started getting mind's eye visuals of Zeesersow itself, the crazy existential dystopia/land of forbidden knowledge I was stuck in. In case you're wondering what Zeesersow is like, it is the worst place ever. It is the other side. It is the dark side of the moon. Zeesersow is a maddening labyrinth of blindingly white rooms, Parisian cobblestone streets, giant chessboards, and abstract marble sculptures. It always has been and always will be the 1940's in Zeesersow and the place is filled with dancing beatniks, one-eyed midget claymation skeletons, and other completely ridiculous characters whose brains have been destroyed with absolute knowledge and are doomed to permanent and total insanity. <br> <br> Zeesersow is past nirvana. If Buddha had meditated a little harder and gotten to Zeesersow, he would have scrapped Buddhism and just given up. Zeesersow is the edge of meaning and the edge of acid. At least, I'm pretty sure it is. If there's something past Zeesersow, God help us all. I think Zeesersow is the end of the tunnel. The best representation of Zeesersow I have ever seen is the music video for 'You Are What You Is' by Frank Zappa. <br> <br> But, yeah, back to my trip. There was still plenty of weird, wild shit to come and shit got even scarier. Tell the kids to go to bed. <br> <br> STAGE 5: FOLLOW THE SNAKE/ NATIVE-AMERICAN VISION QUEST- This is when I started to trip hardcore Native-American style. This is not to say I was beyond Zeesersow, though, because I wasn't. It was the set up for the long, hard road out of Zeesersow. There were considerably less mind's eye visuals. But it was still hardcore. We're talking lizard tails as real as your hand and God coming out of the television to scream at me hardcore. <br> <br> Dan and Ian led me back to the dorm to Ian's room and we made a stop in the hall bathroom. And, yeah, I took a piss on that much acid. And it was completely ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that I'm going to devote an entire paragraph to it. This paragraph is designed to be read aloud by William Shatner because William Shatner is acid. The familiar noises of urination are significantly louder on that much acid. Was that whooshing sound a jet engine, or was it my urine hitting the toilet water? You decide. I was sucked toward the toilet in a wind tunnel and my trail of urine was a seamless umbillical cord between me and the john. Deep. The urine trail bent in ways it shouldn't have, but still it landed neatly in the bowl. It also took forever. Very Zen. <br> <br> Ian brought me into his room and shut the door. Then Rob came in and sat down next to me on a couch. Ian was on one side and Rob was on the other. And they both had long blond hair. This seemed profoundly symmetrical and meaningful at the time. And I was still stuck in Zeesersow. Ian's Egyptian hookah looked like it made a lot more sense in Zeesersow than it did in a college dorm room on Earth. <br> <br> Ian turned on the television and began playing some recent Prince of Persia video game with the lights off. The game motif marched on. What was taking place on the television screen seemed absolutely just as real and right there with me as everything else in the room. The character in the game, who I'm guessing was some kind of Persian prince, was shimmying across a ledge and the ledge was crumbling into rotating Tetris pieces as real as my hand literally coming out of the television. And they weren't just flash hallucinations, either. They seemed to stay there as long as the television was on. My entire field of vision felt extremely fragile like it was all painted on glass and there was this crazy intense surge of positive and negative emotions simultaneously. I was touched in places I didn't even know I had. I felt like God had reached up my ass and found a bunch of g-spots and anti-g-spots and he was playing them like a piano. He was manipulating my entire reality in order to explain something to me. <br> <br> And then came the lizard tail. The Persian prince running around in crumbling Tetrisland grew a green lizard tail out of his ass. And the tail swung back and forth, back and forth like something had agitated the Lizard Prince. It was at this point that God started whispering to me, telepathically, 'Follow the snake...Follow the snake...' <br> <br> Now, I don't know about you, but that kinda reminds me of a Native-American vision quest. 'Little Feather, this is the Great Spirit. Follow the coyote, Little Feather, and one day, you will be a great warrior.' Or something like that. And for some reason, to me, lizards are just a Native-American animal. There's something about lizards and Native-Americans that just go hand in hand, at least with tribes in the Southwest. It felt like I had fallen into some kind of Native-American rite of passage/character-building exercise. And Native-Americans scalped people. <br> <br> Anyway, my number one priority right then, as you can imagine, was following the snake. I wasn't about to argue with God and I had a hunch this snake was my ticket out of Zeesersow. Now I looked around and didn't see any snakes to follow, so I began to realize it was symbolic. What could the snake possibly represent in this realm of absolute Native-American insanity? <br> <br> Then I realized the struggle of the Lizard Prince in Tetrisland seemed to be my struggle. The Lizard Prince was the snake and I was going to follow him with my eyes. And then it seemed as long as I was following the Lizard Prince, things were going to be alright and I was feeling way better and it felt like the bad trip was turning good again. And luckily Ian was sober so he was playing pretty well and the Lizard Prince was thriving. Had the Lizard Prince been impaled on a wall of spikes, I probably would have been very concerned about my own future. But he seemed to be doing fine. <br> <br> And then a steroid-abusing Long Island guido joined me, Ian, and Rob in the room. His name was 'A-Mo' and he was Ian's roommate. A-Mo constantly spoke in a clueless Italian's version of ebonics, shoplifted 'ill shirts' from Banana Republic, and had a downloaded music collection consisting mainly of Bette Midler, Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, La Bouche, and 50 Cent, which is still just dance music with tough lyrics if you think about it. He also gelled his hair like a Dragonball-Z character, went on diets, and had numerous Jewish American Princess platonic girlfriends. <br> <br> Anyway, now it seemed like God was trying to make some kind of connection between A-Mo and the Lizard Prince on the television screen he was standing next to. A-Mo did not grow a lizard tail out of his ass, thank God, but there was something suddenly and indescribably reptilian and even Native-American about him. He did have really dark skin for an Italian and was often mistaken for being Indian, although we're talking about red-dot Indian here. <br> <br> Then I looked back at Tetrisland and, I wish I was kidding, the Lizard Prince was gone and, in his place...was a steroid-abusing Long Island guido who looked way too much like A-Mo. Now if some hot Asian chick in a bikini had walked in there right then, I probably would've seen her on the screen. Why the fuck did A-Mo have to walk in instead? <br> <br> Virtual A-Mo now seemed to be 'the snake' so, clearly, I had to follow this swarmy Italian with my eyes as he journeyed through crumbling Tetrisland shimmying across walls. The real A-Mo then barely succeeded in changing clothes and sat down at his desk. A-Mo then climbed up to his lofted bed like King Kong and passed out.. <br> <br> Anyway, God kept reminding me telepathically that I had to 'follow the snake' and basically continue and keep on truckin' and fuckin', when, out of fucking nowhere, the word 'CONTINUE?' literally came out of the motherfucking television. <br> <br> Then Ian turned off Prince of Persia and asked if I wanted to watch a movie called Waking Life. Why the fuck did you turn off Prince of Persia, Ian? The snake was in there! I didn't say this, but it did upset me. I then told Ian that I had seen Waking Life in high school in theaters and didn't like it all that much. But wait a minute. Who saw Waking Life in high school? Did I say that? Did we say that? Who am I? Who are we? Who's the guy that saw Waking Life? What? Whatever. Follow the snake. <br> <br> After I told Ian that I didn't want to watch Waking Life, Ian put the Waking Life DVD away and I began to wonder if this was a hardcore mistake because maybe Waking Life was the snake I was supposed to follow. Ian then suggested watching, of all things, Lord of the Rings. And then I realized that Lord of the Rings was the snake. This is the part when God came out of the television to scream at me. <br> <br> Let me go into more detail. God was telling me through the symbolic meaning of Ian and Rob's arbitrary conversation as their eyes lit up that He was about to tell me something hardcore about the universe or something. He also basically said, 'You thought you could forget about me. And you know what I think about that?' And He said this telepathically pretty deadpan and I wasn't completely sure what He thought about that yet. Then, right at that moment, there was a close-up of this guy I have since learned is Sauron screaming on the television screen and God jumped in Sauron, lit up Sauron's eyes, and used Sauron to explain how pissed off He was at me for forgetting about Him. He was pretty pissed off. <br> <br> And right when He did that, I noticed that the room was filled with these extremely elaborate golden patterns coming out of the television. If you close your eyes and press on your eyelids and wait a few seconds, you'll see them. Except, for me, these patterns were huge and absolutely as real as my hand and stayed there as long as the television was on. It literally seemed like they would hurt me if I stood up and tried to walk around. But at the same time I thought they were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. <br> <br> And there was that weird, tiny, distant, sober part of me that thought, 'Oh, these must be those fractal patterns I heard that people see on acid.' Who's the guy that heard about fractal patterns? What? Whatever. Follow the snake. And there was also another one of those wind tunnel things that seemed to be coming out the television. <br> <br> Anyway, God screaming at me through the huge guy with spikes on the television got my attention and I was definitely gonna do what He said now. God then told me telepathically that I needed to be obedient and that, as a symbol of my obedience to Him, I needed to respond affirmatively to whatever arbitrary things Rob and Ian would say in the next few minutes. <br> <br> Rob then took out some cocaine, chopped it up with his student ID card, snorted it, and proceeded to tell me and Ian about his manic-depressive weekend. He apparently went home the weekend before for a funeral and learned that his little brother was suicidal and then blew off steam by going to a shopping mall on acid. Now if he had gone to that shopping mall on the amount of acid I was on, God help him, but he was clearly on a lot less than me. Rather than God screaming at him and telling him to follow the snake, there were apparently some lights that freaked him out. Wuss. <br> <br> Then Rob told us about how he and Dan both liked the short porn girl who had been smoking hookah in Ian's room at the beginning of my trip and how she wanted to hook up with him, but he didn't because Dan liked her. I said, 'Yeah, you did the right thing.' <br> <br> I didn't say that because that was my genuine opinion of the situation, but because God had told me to respond affirmatively to everything Ian and Rob would say and I wanted to make God happy for obvious reasons. My opinion sober would have been, 'Well, if she likes you and you like her, just do it. If she likes you instead of Dan, then that's that and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Dan will move on.' But instead I said that he did the right thing because I was trying to save my own ass from intergalactic hatred. <br> <br> Then Ian put his laptop on his lap, turned the screen toward me, and said, 'Watch this.' He showed me a video that occurs between levels of Prince of Persia. This video was apparently the snake so I was going to watch it carefully. It was extremely intense and three-dimensional out of the laptop. I said to Ian, 'Are you...playyyyyinnng?' This was really directed at God and was a metaphorical way of asking Him if He was still controlling my reality. <br> <br> Ian just laughed and said, 'It's an FMV, man! I'm not playing!' 'FMV' is short for 'full-motion video' and is a nerdball term for the videos between levels in video games, in case you didn't know. The video featured some dramatic music and Ian said, 'You can tell that the hero's not going to die in this scene because they're playing in A minor.' <br> <br> I then said, 'Yeah,' because I still had to respond affirmatively to everything. <br> <br> Ian then said, 'You don't know anything about music!' and then Rob said, 'Well, I do.' I then said, 'Yeah,' a bunch more times in random places because I was still trying to obey God and follow the snake. And as long as I was successfully following the snake, I was actually feeling way better than you would probably guess I was feeling. Although, I didn't feel so good when Ian then put the video on slow rewind because, for an instant, I thought maybe God had succeeded in reversing time. That would not have been cool. <br> <br> Rob then said, 'When I'm on acid, I kinda feel like I'm in this other dimension.' KINDA? I'm in a place called Zeesersow right fuckin' now! <br> <br> Then Rob left. Now it was just me, Ian, and sleeping Homo Kong. And I was acting like a monkey with cerebral paulsy. I looked over at Ian and he was just staring ahead deep in thought. He looked sober and horrified. There was still another one of those wind tunnel deals and I felt like I had no control over my arms for a few seconds as they flailed around, outlining the wind tunnel. Ian looked somewhat concerned that I was doing this. I didn't think I was making any weird noises, but Ian told me later that I was in fact making weird noises. <br> <br> By this point we were watching the second Lord of the Rings movie. And, amazingly, I actually started to feel really good watching the blue and white sand that Frodo and Golem's faces were made out of blow all over the place and out of the television. I felt good because I was successfully following the snake and making God happy. And I began to realize, 'Hey! It doesn't really matter that God's evil because he's so powerful that you have no choice but to love Him 'cause if you don't, he'll completely destroy you! I love God!' <br> <br> And, strangely enough, this was a happy thought at the time. Earlier, I decided that I hated God because He was being a real asshole to me and when I started to think that I hated Him, I could feel Him reflect the hate back onto me a trillion times stronger. And once I loved Him and gladly followed His orders, I was happy and the trip was just starting to turn good again. <br> <br> Then Ian turned off the television and all the fractal patterns and multi-colored sand disappeared and I felt like a small part of me had died. Uh, why the fuck would you do that, Ian?! The snake was in there! Then God whispered to me telepathically, 'Follow Ian...Follow the snake...Follow Ian...Follow the snake...' But how was I supposed to follow Ian if he was just sitting there on the couch? <br> <br> Ian then stood up and I stood up and walked closer to him because I was gonna follow that motherfuckin' snake all the way out of Zeesersow. Ian told me to just sit down on the couch and relax, but like, no, I had to follow the snake. And I actually did realize that there was a separate world back on Earth where Ian lived and that the Ian that lived on Earth was not going to understand what I was going through so I was going to have to explain it to him. The problem was that I was only able to communicate in beatnik poetry and was not able to distinguish between what I was saying aloud and what I was saying telepathically. Oops. <br> <br> I started to try to tell him that since I had to follow the snake, he was going to have to just keep walking around outside and I was going to have to keep following him until I had successfully escaped from Zeesersow. That sounds pretty logical. Now, this is difficult enough to explain sober. And on acid, it didn't quite come out right. There were these sentences I was directing at Ian, but I could tell as they were coming out that they sounded a lot more like beatnik poetry than normal human speech. 'The snake...Follow...I need to follow...Forward motion...Need you to walk forward outside... let'stakeawalkoutside...the snake' or something like that. And I honestly have no clue how much of this I successfully said aloud and how much of it I was just staring at him with monstrous pupils and not saying anything because it was telepathic. I could tell by the look on Ian's face that he did not understand. <br> <br> 'Uh, you're really starting to freak me out, man!' <br> <br> 'The snake?' That was probably telepathic. <br> <br> 'Uh, why don't you, uh, just go back to your room. I need to...do some thinking before I go to my doctor's appointment.' <br> <br> And this is when I had to play 'The Game.' This is why people climb over the barbed wire fence of a government research building and get arrested like this other kid at my college did while on a massive amount of shrooms. When somebody comes between you and the snake, even if, ironically, that somebody is the snake, bad shit can happen. And thank God my room was next door. <br> <br> STAGE 6: THE GAME- Ian led me into the hallway, went back into his room, and closed the door on me. Uh, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT, IAN?! YOU'RE THE SNAKE! God told me to follow the snake and I was now locked outside of the room that the snake was in. This was no good. I felt like Ian had just thrown me out of an airplane without a parachute. I was really fucked now. <br> <br> But then I realized that God intended this to happen. This was all part of 'The Game.' I remembered now. I had played this game before. The snake had actually left Ian and God wasn't going to tell me where it was anymore. I was going to have to figure this out for myself. And I was going to have to make sense of every little detail that had happened so far on the trip. Everything was a clue. Every little detail along the way had hardcore symbolic meaning. Everything was a symbol. And God was done talking to me. I was going to have to escape from Zeesersow on my own. <br> <br> 'Oh, I get it.' I said this out loud to no one with huge pupils acting like a monkey with C.P. in the middle of the hallway, yes. I mean really I said it to God, but onlookers would have been pretty confused as to what was going on with me. Luckily, everyone else was asleep in their rooms by this point. And 'Oh, I get it' was the best sentence I had gotten out of my mouth in a while. I was proud of that sentence. And, clearly, I was gonna have to go to my room and figure out where the snake went. <br> <br> I followed my hand with my eyes as I pulled my room key out of my pocket and slammed it in the keyhole as I was being sucked toward the door. And then I was sucked into sitting down in my chair in front of my desk and laptop computer. There were a ton of icons on my desktop, but I couldn't make any of them out. It looked like a blur of alien symbols. And then it hit me like a truck. The one-eyed midget claymation skeleton playing chess by himself, the chessboard on the quad, Prince of Persia, Tetrisland, and now 'The Game.' They were all games! And this game I was playing now, scrambling to find meaning in completely arbitrary things, was the game I had been playing my whole life. Life is a game! Work with me here, I was on a lot of acid. <br> <br> Life is a game we think we're playing with other people, but really, we're just playing by ourselves. We're all just playing chess by ourselves. We're all living in a fake reality trapped inside our own brains assigning meaning to completely meaningless sensory information and making everything and everyone into symbols. Everything is a symbol of our own creation. Everything we see and everything we experience has more to do with us than it has to do with anything or anyone else because everything is only the way we perceive it. <br> <br> Everyone else's personality is really just an aspect of our own personality that we assign to them to make sense of the, uh, 'personality data' they've presented us with or something. But it's not who they really are. And we filter out everything that gets in the way of our ability to believe that things have meaning and we are all therefore basically 'following the snake' and not realizing it. Or something. And, above all, we spend our whole lives just looking in the mirror because everything else... is really just us. And we will all never really get to know anyone else or anything else ever! <br> <br> Now, I mean, that's all basically just a corny way of explaining common sense ideas that I already knew anyway. Yeah, we're all stuck in our own biased brains. Get over it. But on that much acid, I was feeling that shit rather than just thinking it and it was really fucking intense. <br> <br> I was still determined to escape from Zeesersow and return to my fake life right where it left off. And playing 'The Game' by figuring out the rest of the clues of the trip was the only way to do this. And I was running out of time. I felt like I was James Bond and God was Dr. No or Goldfinger or Blofeld or somebody and he had put me in one of those stupidly complex traps with a timer and he was laughing at me thinking I'd never get out of it. I'd be stuck in Zeesersow forever. <br> <br> But I was gonna prove that fucker wrong. I had to focus on turning back into my fake Earth identity. I remembered my Earth name, but not a whole lot else. How was I supposed to turn back into myself if I couldn't remember a goddamned thing about myself? <br> <br> Then I remembered Rob offering me the swigs of alcohol. This was a clue. Then I realized that drinking must be the first step in returning to Earth. That's where the snake went. It went into some kind of drink. So I bolted over to the fridge with my hands still dangling by my head, grabbed my roommate's bottle of milk, and drank that fucker right down like my life depended on it, which I thought it did. I could tell I was making progress. <br> <br> Then there was the song, 'Cleetus Awreetus-Awrightus' by Frank Zappa. I listened to this song on repeat right after I dosed and it had been playing in my head over and over earlier in the trip. Clearly, I was gonna have to have this song playing over and over to get back to Earth. And the CD it was from, The Grand Wazoo, was still in my walkman sitting on my desk. So I grabbed the walkman, shoved the headphones in my ears, and I realized that the room was FINALLY gonna fill with some goddamned music like Dan had said. Except not in a good way. The instant the song started playing, I got mind's eye visuals of enormous hollow Keebler elf trees filling my room. I realized this was an omen of things to come if I set the volume too high. So, to solve my potential tree infestation problem, I turned the volume way down. <br> <br> As I sauntered in circles around my windy dorm room listening to my walkman and making strange gestures with my hands, it began to dawn on me that God, Zeesersow, and the snake were all a bunch of drugfucked nonsense. This was a relief. However, I now had an equally serious problem on my hands. Had the acid made me permanently insane? I struggled to remember anything about the college kid who had accidentally ingested an extraordinary amount of lysergic acid and I couldn't come up with much. His name was Will Nichols, but what else? I still wasn't him. But I used to be. Could I ever be him again? I felt like my brain was completely rearranged and I now had to perform brain surgery on myself to return it to the way it was before I did acid. And playing this nutty game with nearby objects and clues from the trip was the only way to reassemble my brain so that I was Will Nichols again. <br> <br> I looked at my laptop screen again and I could now make out all the desktop icons. I was making progress. Although the captions of the icons looked like they were written in Klingon. I still had a ways to go. The laptop screen then changed to a screensaver of stars flying by and it felt like a window out of my dorm room spacecraft as it was returning to Earth at the speed of light. I realized this was not literally the case, but it felt like a pretty good metaphor for the progress I was making. And this was the end of 'The Game.' <br> <br> STAGE 7: STARTING TO COME DOWN- All I had to do was sit it out and come down. I looked over at my digital alarm clock and I successfully read it to be about 6:00 A.M. That meant it had been ten hours since I dosed. I figured in another two hours, I'd remember everything about myself and I'd be completely sober and I'd go to sleep and all would be well with the world. <br> <br> But everything was basically going well. I eventually got tired of listening to 'Cleetus Awreetus-Awrightus' on repeat, so I turned off my walkman, took the headphones out of my ears, and stared at my laptop screen as I got more strange mind's eye visuals. Then I heard the door to Ian's room open. He was going off to his doctor's appointment. But then I noticed that it was past 8:00 A.M. and I was still tripping. This meant it had been over 12 hours since I had dosed. And I had read on the internet that an acid trip never lasts more than 12 hours under any circumstances. Hmm. <br> <br> STAGE 8: WHY AM I STILL TRIPPING?!/ AM I STILL TRIPPING?!- Being the optimist that I am, I thought to myself, 'Well, maybe that means 12 hours after I started really tripping and not just twelve hours after I dosed. So, I bet in another hour or so, I'll be sober.' No such luck. 'Well, maybe it means 12 hours after I started tripping hardcore as opposed to that puny, windy, Busta Rhymes shit. So, yeah, I'll be sober in another couple hours.' <br> <br> When it got to be noon on Saturday and I was still tripping, I was no longer an optimist. Am I stuck like this? Am I gonna be tripping the rest of my miserable life? Have I become one of those legendary 'acid casualties'? Was letting an unstable gay southerner with a fake British accent decide how much LSD I put in my body the biggest mistake of my life? <br> <br> I now remembered everything about myself, but all my memories still seemed a distant, surreal blur. I also felt like even if I did eventually become sober again, I would be a completely different person from now on. Had the acid completely changed me? And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't even remember what it felt like to be sober. I was still completely depersonalized. I looked down at my arms and they still seemed to be just as much a part of the scenery as everything else. I looked around the room and everything looked like it was slowly moving forward on its own. I was still getting mild mind's eye visuals and I still felt like I was getting ever so slowly and slightly sucked forward as I was sitting at my desk. I could now read English words and actually think pretty clearly, but what the fuck was wrong with me? It couldn't have been the acid at this point, could it? It was supposed to be long out of my system by now. <br> <br> The sounds of people walking outside my door gave me mind's eye visuals of a huge gray robot with fork-lift arms stomping through the dorm hallway. Then someone on my hall started blasting 'Everything is in its Right Place' by Radiohead. I'm not a big Radiohead fan and everything was definitely not in its right place. But the song gave me mind's eye visuals of a deep blue control panel with little robot heads and this was oddly comforting. <br> <br> Then the burping started. I burped a lot that Saturday. And every time I burped, I felt like I was getting just a little more sane. This was probably just a placebo mind game I was playing with myself, but who knows? <br> <br> But then things got really shitty. It was now 8:00 P.M. on Saturday and I was still tripping. It had been 24 hours since I dosed. It was beginning to seem like God was right. I'd never escape from Zeesersow. I fucked up my brain for life. I now had the forbidden knowledge of what it feels like to be incurably insane and I had forgotten how to feel any other way. But real schizophrenia's a walk in the park compared to what I experienced. All real schizophrenics do is hear voices and think the government is after them. I dealt with shit way more hardcore than that, albeit briefly. <br> <br> Then I got a mind's eye visual of my mom's face looking at me and crying. Her son's brain was permanently damaged from doing a drug. I couldn't face her. I knew what I had to do. I'd wait a couple of days and if I was still tripping, I'd go to the university hospital. If the doctors told me there was nothing they could do and I'd be stuck like this for the rest of my life, I'd jump in front of the train that comes through campus and end it all. <br> <br> But then things got way better. By 9:00 P.M., I could feel it wearing off. I knew for the first time that I was returning to the proud, stiff world of sobriety. But I still worried that I'd never be the same again. I laid down on my bed and pictured myself slowly flying off into the sunset on a magic carpet with two dark-skinned people I didn't recognize. What? Who are you? Whatever. I was still pretty dazed and confused. <br> <br> I took off my headphones, turned off my laptop, and decided I was finally able to sleep. I didn't feel like I was tripping anymore, but I still only felt about 37% normal. I wondered if I'd be the same person I was before I did acid when I'd wake up on Sunday. I was still so confused that I literally hoped I wouldn't have permanently adopted the personality of someone I had seen during my trip, such as Ian, Rob, Dan, and Walt. I didn't want to turn into any of them. I wanted to be the same old me again. Give me a break, I was coming off drugs and I was very sleep-deprived. I looked at my clock and saw it was 10:00 P.M. 26 hours. I struggled to breathe as I fell asleep thinking to myself, 'I'll never do an hallucinogen again. I'll never do an hallucinogen again. I'll never do an hallucinogen again.' <br> <br> CONCLUSION- 'Hell, I'd do it again.' That was my first thought waking up early Sunday afternoon. And why the hell not? That was one nutty Native-American ride. I had survived a beatnik nightmare multiplied by a skeleton festival in a paranthesis of ego death and Native-American horror to the power of an evil God. Could it really have been much worse? And I'm fine afterwards? Hell, this acid stuff must be pretty harmless afterall. <br> <br> And I did it again two weekends later. I mean, I did less. I did two hits of that same batch and watched a cartoon with Donald Duck and a bunch of Nazis dancing around and heiling Hitler. And shockingly enough, this was a good trip. <br> <br> But what the hell is acid, anyway? And how seriously should I take it? Is the center of the universe really just a bunch of dancing beatniks and one-eyed midget claymation skeletons? Where is the universe? What is the sound of a one-handed clap? Why do most people love things that suck? What is college? Is it all a sick joke? Is life really just a game? <br> <br> Even if life is a game, you might as well win it. If an hallucinogenic drug changes your life or your worldview, you are too much of a flake to have done it in the first place. But if you've got your head screwed on tight and you've got a sense of humor, acid is great fun. There is nothing funnier or crazier than a massive dose of acid. And, hell, like dreams, there probably is a little bit of valid insight underneath all that craziness. But, uh, take it with a grain of salt. <br> <br> But do acid. Or don't do acid. I don't care. I'm gonna keep doing it. I'm gonna find one-eyed midget skeletons to play chess with, have telepathic conversations with dancing beatniks, walk on chessboards, follow snakes, watch pharmacies turn into the Pearly Gates of Heaven, watch myself disappear, visit places in the universe we're never supposed to see, and get screamed at by God all while you brag to your pussy emo friends that you were once so drunk that you fell over in a bush. Wuss. And you're asking me if I'm glad that unstable, ambiguously gay southerner with a fake British accent gave me way too much acid my first time? And I'm answering that question with a question. Is a frog's ass watertight?<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2006</td><td width="90">ExpID: 57725</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 7, 2007</td><td>Views: 134,929</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=57725&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=57725&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), First Times (2), Overdose (29), Guides / Sitters (39), Entities / Beings (37), Music Discussion (22), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">185 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> After reading many of the LSD trip reports, I thought I'd add mine, which I feel illustrates pretty clearly the effects of a VERY large, unintentionally severe dose of acid. Take it as a warning, or an enticement, or just entertainment if you choose. <br> <br> Summer of 1999, Highgate, Vermont...It was one of the last Grateful Dead shows before Jerry ate that fatal pint of Heroin Garcia. Two friends and I made the journey in my bedraggled hatchback. Now, we were not fans of the Dead, nor did we have tickets...what we DID have was a few paycheck's worth of cash and a powerful hunger for some good old-fashioned visceral experience after a summer of hard work. We hadn't been there ten minutes, having parked the beater back in a field which was rapidly filling up with freaks of all shapes and sizes, when we encountered a pale little hippie who asked if we'd been 'hooked up' with acid yet. Is it good? we naively asked. (Like he was gonna say no.) We gave him some money and he ripped us off a huge chunk of plain white, unperforated blotter- maybe half a sheet. In minutes the first couple were in our mouths as we wandered down the highway, watching this tiny town rapidly becoming the biggest city in the state. <br> <br> Half an hour or so later, J was expressing skepticism about our purchase...It was too cheap, it didn't taste like anything, we didn't feel any tingle in our mouths or stomachs yet...'I think it's fake,' he said, 'or really weak. We should just eat it all.' What the hell, I thought, he knows more about this stuff than me. We offered some more to B, but he was more interested in finding some mushrooms. So, down the hatch it went; ragged chunks the size of postage stamps or matchbooks. <br> <br> It was probably only fifteen minutes or so later that I noticed a fly buzzing around J's head. A fly which grew to the size of a ping-pong ball, turned red, then, blue, then multiplied into a cloud of giant flashing flies which sounded like a chainsaw. 'I don't think it was fake...' I said to him, and he turned to me with pupils already swelling towards dinner-plate proportions, and grinned like a dog eatin' bumblebees. <br> <br> Well, what followed was a full THIRTY-SIX HOURS of madness. There are two things I am eternally grateful for; the acid was not only strong as hell, it was clean as a whistle and I never experienced more than a twinge or two of physical discomfort. Second, we were in possibly the one environment where, screwed up as we were, we were practically blending into the wallpaper amid 150,000 or so other bits of human flotsam and jetsam. There's no way I could describe all the outlandish, incomprehensible things I felt, saw, heard and experienced there, but a few deserve mention. <br> <br> At one point, probably six hours into the trip, I decided that I just needed to leave for a while. Just go away, into the woods, AWAY from this seething mass of lunacy swirling around me. I walked into the edge of the forest, into a little sunlit glade filled with white flowers here and there. Ohh the relief I felt! here was a perfect spot to lie down and grab ahold of the fraying edges of my sanity and...wait...that's not a flower!! I had stumbled into a shithole. The white flowers were wads of toilet paper that had recently wiped some dirty hippie's ass. THERE WAS NO ESCAPE. The crushing blow struck me between the lobes and i was paralyzed, stark still for several minutes. Then I pulled myself together and plunged back into the howling, gibbering carnival of humanoid creatures which now spread out for miles and miles. I knew I had no choice but to surrender myself to it. <br> <br> Later, I reconnected with J and B (who had indeed found a gigantic bag of mushrooms) and we locked ourselves in my car for a while. We turned on Nine Inch Nails and rolled up the windows in a desperate bid to block out our surroundings for a bit. J and I had a full on conversation about our situation without opening our mouths; this is not a myth, folks, it IS possible. I later saw him hackysack in complete darkness for thirty minutes without dropping the ball. B was throwing handfuls of caps and stems around the car and drooling. He was not able to participate in the conversation. The trees outside, tossed by the wind, were a wriggling electric frieze which screamed and vibrated at an impossible pitch. <br> <br> It was about this time that I realized, as I looked in the rearview mirror, that I did not know my name or anything at all about myself. I literally had no idea who was staring back at me. Ego death, i believe they call it...It should have been terrifying. Instead it felt wonderfully liberating. It gave me the freedom to concentrate on other, more important things. Things like the sentence I was hearing over and over in my head, drowning out even the buzzing screams of the trees, a sentence not in English or any other earthly tongue but in some older, more primal language. I could never attempt to transcribe it but to this day, if I concentrate, I can hear a faint memory of it. This sentence goes around and around in a vast wheel, a carousel or Ferris Wheel of light, sound and knowledge. This sentence contains every bit of information that has ever been and will ever be known to man and to God. I realized that if I could just figure out where to put the PERIOD, where to make it stop, I could read it out clearly and thus would become the most knowledgeable, powerful being in the universe. <br> <br> I have no idea for how long I rode this wheel, listening to the sentence repeat and blend and swirl around me, desperately focusing on finding its beginning and end. At some point I realized that if I did not stop, I might never be able to get off of the wheel. Some blessed part of me recognized a potential future life at the Shady Acres Home for the Incurably Psychotic, and forced me to jump off. When I landed it was dark and J and B were gone. There were huge fires raging out in the human wilderness and electric snakes shooting through the sky. I set out again into the chaos, with my name and identity now recovered, and had a blast. <br> <br> Two days later when we finally woke up from a few hours of cracked and broken sleep, at four a.m., we fled the vast metropolis of Highgate, where two hundred thousand residents had loved, fought, fucked, died, and created a complex society complete with its own economy. The car was strewn with camping gear, spilled beer and coffee, and littered with mushrooms which we did our best to collect before getting on the highway. When I got home that day and emptied my pockets, I had about eight packs of cigarettes, a big ball of opium, a chunk of hash, some microdot pills I couldn't identify, some mysterious feathers, and a scrap of paper with a scribbled circle on it. The 'wheel' didn't look quite so amazing anymore...I laughed and we went swimming naked on the microdots in the glorious August sun. <br> <br> I've taken acid a couple times since then, but never has it done much for me...I just kinda get a 'been there, done that' feeling; like it has nothing left to offer. I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone go out and gobble twenty or more hits of Fluff. I'm actually very thankful that I emerged from this as an intact, sane entity. So, I guess the lesson is that even if your smart-ass friend tells you to eat it all...give it a few more minutes, O.K.?<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1999</td><td width="90">ExpID: 52084</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 31, 2007</td><td>Views: 136,997</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=52084&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=52084&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Multi-Day Experience (13), General (1), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> To start, this happened many moons ago and took place near the end of my high shcool years with a good friend I'll call Dan. Dan and I were both unusually acquainted with hallucinogenics and general mind alterants for our respective ages, so what we were about to do did not seem that unreasonable. Of course, we had no idea how the night would unfold. <br> <br> We set off on a mission to split a ten strip and watch the movie Scream that was playing at a theater in a mall in a neighboring city (and state). I worked at this mall, and the plan was that he would meet up after I got off work from the department store, we'd split the strip, walk around the mall until the movie started an hour later and my coworker I'll call Sara would then pick us up at the end of the film when the mall was closing. Sara would then drive us around town for the evening, stopping by a carnival that was set up near the mall and we would trip in joyous rapture. <br> <br> I did not know that the state police had set up a convention of some sort in the mall that night. I didn't know this until I ate the strip and wound my way with Dan to the far side of the mall, where the state police had set up displays warning of the dangers of drugs, guns and other police-like warnings. I was mortified. Some snippets of my thoughts at the time would probably read like these : This is not good. I just ate 5 hits of acid, and I'm in a building with no less than 15 state police and a radio DJ. I need to go. Oh god no. <br> <br> We head back around the mall and into the theater. So we're now sitting in the front row of a pretty crowded mall cinema and we're watching the movie Scream, which neither of us had seen up to this point. The shit kicks in, and I'm literally petrified. I can't breathe. I can't think. All I see is the Ghostface Scream killer peaking out between my feet and Dan seems completely oblivious to it. I drop my soda on the ground and pull my feet up on the chair, sitting on my knees so the Ghostface killer won't get me. Dan is just the picture of cool. <br> <br> I somehow made it through the film, not moving an INCH until the houselights came on. At this point, I followed Dan out and back towards the mall. I was tripping balls. Dan, still so cool, commented that the movie let out earlier than expected so let's walk around again. I said sure. I commented on my legs feeling strange, not realizing they were completely asleep from my sitting on them for two solid hours. And so we walk. I'm so preoccupied with my rubber legs I don't notice we head right back to the fucking police display. <br> <br> Three cops are leaning on a display table and staring at us as I am nearly clinging to Dan and he is browing a display of weapons made in prisons. 'Go ahead and pick one up' the cop said. It took a mini-eternity for me to register he was speaking to me, so I grab the first thing in front of me which happens to be a shank made from a toothbrush and some wooden thing sticking out of it. I just said 'This is cool.' <br> <br> 'I lost a buddy to that thing. I don't think that's cool at all, actually.' was the police mans reply. All I remember seeing were thousands of pulsing, writhing worms all over the place. I wanted to vomit. Dan pulled me away and we headed through the department store I worked in, looking for Sara. Moving from literally one horror (Scream) to another (Angry police) and now moving to me being surrounded by my coworkers while tripping my nuts off, I was not really feeling this trip if you're with me. As people said random things, I hear my name occasionally but kept walking straight ahead, following Dan the whole time, just looking for Sara. <br> <br> The colors, the amazing clarity of the store in its neon evil, the whorish looking people I work with in their makeup and fake smiles, I was very near a breakdown when Dan said 'There she is.' He spotted Sara walking out of the store and into the parking lot. I literally bolted through the store and out the door, running outside and yelling 'HEY!!!! SARA!!!' I get outside and remember the Ghostface killer man, and turn to run right back inside when Dan catches my arm and guides me to the car. Now Sara had just got a new car. Literally the week before. She had never owned a manual before, but was learning how to drive one. We piled into her Cavalier, me in the front, Dan in the back behind me. <br> <br> Her having no idea what it is like to be tripping, bitching about customers as she stalls the car twice before pulling out of the parking lot. I look at her and see a giant raccoon with a wig on, driving this car and the fucking raccoon keeps sticking its tongue out at me. I get a bit freaked out, so I can't look at her. Which makes her start asking 'What is your problem?' This question inevitably will lead anyone tripping face to dissect their entire life, which is exactly what I began doing as she sped toward the interstate ramp. 'You're going really fast!' I said with a laugh, finally getting comfortable as Dan leaned forward and adjusted the radio to a local rock station. 'You call this fast? Watch this!' She said, laughing too. We all laughed as the red and blue lights started flashing behind us at that exact moment. She said the words 'Watch this' and the cab of her car turned into an amazing array of red and blue pulsing waves. <br> <br> Oh fucking fuck. <br> <br> Now, I was sitting with my right foot resting on my left calf. I was wearing Doc Marten boots, brown in color. I was holding my right foot in both hands. This is a detail you should know before I mention the flashlight that started shining in my window, in my face as a nightstick tapped against my glass. Not hers. Mine. I'm just tripping, I thought to myself. I'm not really getting spotlighted by a cop, no fucking way! Dan grabbed me by my shoulder in a vulcan death grip. 'Dude, stop saying that you're tripping. Roll down your window.' <br> <br> I was saying that shit out loud. OK. Roll down window. I can do that. Sara did it for me. I was greeted with 'What is in the cup son??' Now I knew for a fact he wasn't talking to me, I had no cup. I had nothing that could hold liquid so I am gonna sit here and not say a wor- 'I SAID WHAT IS IN THE CUP SIR' His light was shining on the foot I was holding in my hands. 'IT'S NOT A CUP! IT'S MY FOOT! I CAN'T DRINK IF IT'S A FOOT SO I HAVEN'T DONE ANY DRINKING!' Those were my exact words, I will never forget them as long as I live. And I was ocnvinced this police officer was Deputy Dewy from Scream. <br> <br> The police left us alone after giving Sara a nice fat ticket for speeding 20 miles above speed limit. She was in tears, but proceeded to take us to the carnival. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to never ever ever come out of my room again. <br> <br> So we get to the carnival. <br> <br> The definition of pure fear, already established well for me that night, was now truly revealed. Enormous inflated clowns. Cheap blinking yellow lights. Dozens of people meandering about, nothing to do but stare at the people coming in. Grating sounds from the rides that were bound to break apart at the slightest breeze. Dan told me I needed to relax, and instructed me to sit at a picnic table while he got us drinks. Sara was bitching to someone she went to school with about her ticket and she was crying hard. OK. I can sit still. I sit at the table watching people walk past me, some with cotton candy, some with giant cheap stuffed animals. I wish I had a stuffed animal, I thought to myself. And then I saw the little kid and the stuffed banana. <br> <br> This kid, all of three years old, walked by holding up this great stuffed banana. He held it out to me, I swear he did. Assuming he heard my wish for a stuffed animal, I took it. He began to scream LOUDLY. I panicked. What follows panick when tripping is natural. I ran away. With the fucking stuffed banana. <br> <br> And the LSD, how she loves to fuck with me. Coming and going, ebbing and flowing, just when I think I got it all under control another tidal wave crashes into my soul. That wave decided to crash right as I was sprinting with the banana, no clue where Dan was or Sara for that matter. I just ran. People staring, voices yelling behind me, I just ran. And this banana, it had a face on it. And this nose, like a little button sticking out of the face. It didn't look like it wanted the button sticking out like that, and before I knew it, Dan and Sara were rushing me into the car after finding me sitting on the sidewalk, chewing the nose off of this stolen stuffed banana. <br> <br> Back in the car, I was contently chewing as Dan and Sara were exchanging heated words. Sara, it seems, was no longer going to drive us. We had to drive ourselves back home. All I saw was the flowing water of colored sounds and vibrations, and my happy little banana with a mangled, soaking wet nose hanging by threads. <br> <br> <span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span> <br> <br> The next thing I know I'm in Dans car. He's driving. And I know he is tripping as hard as me. He has to be. He's just a lot cooler with it all. I now had a drink that Dan bought me, and my banana that my mind was somehow linking to a tribal consciousness. I was set. Dan was not. I realized he was just as fucked up as I was as I noticed he was driving the wrong way on a one way road, that was under construction. I pointed this out rather calmly, because this banana kept telling me not to panic, that Dan needed me. So I told Dan that he was going to get us arrested very calmly and the banana was pleased. <br> <br> We were all actually cool until I realized that Dan had no idea where we were or how to get us home. The banana, the drink and all the zen in the world didn't keep me from tweaking out at this point. That's when Dan told me to pull the ashtray out of his dash. I did so. And there were two more ten strips wrapped in cigarette wrappers, and some joints. 'Do not freak on me.' I agreed with him. The thought of prison can sober someone up fucking FAST. <br> <br> I felt in my pocket and found a pack of stickers. They had STATE POLICE - 911 emblazoned on them. I must have had 200 or more of these things. How I got them, I have no idea to this day. What I do remember next was Dan pulling down a heavily wooded dirt road and bringing me to a secluded hiking path and saying 'Let's walk' at around 1 in the morning. So I followed him. The banana nodded in agreement, and with him in tow we began walking. It was a full moon in the middle of the woods, just me and Dan, tripping nuts and now passing a joint back and forth. The joint, I think, is what made the banana start fucking with me. <br> <br> I know I heard a voice that was not Dan's come out of the bananas mouth when he said 'Watch out for Mr. Ghostface.' I became paralyzed with fear. Not for the first time that night, but probably the worst. I was surrounded in white moonlight shining through tree branches. EVERYTHING LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING SCREAM MASK. <br> <br> 'Don't move.' I breathed. Dan stopped walking ahead of me and came back. <br> <br> 'What is it?' <br> <br> 'Don't...move' <br> <br> He then turned and exclaimed 'Dude, good call!' And started walking towards a tent I had not even noticed was set up five feet away from me. With the moonlight, I could not tell if it was an old tent or a new tent. It looked abandoned. I noticed holes throughout it, and the banana chimed in that what I was seeing was knife marks and the tent held the corpses of Mr. Ghostface. <br> <br> We walked up to the tent and I sat down on something. I wasn't paying attention. I told Dan the camp looked abandoned and we should get going. He told me he didn't think it was abandoned because I was sitting on a cooler. I opened the cooler up and stuck my hand in ice and black tarry shit that I was convinced was blood. I ran back to the back, Dan following me quickly. <br> <br> 'What is it?' he asked. I held up my hand. It smelled like cake. I had stuck my hand in someones ice cream or chocolate something. But where were the people who should be in the tent? WAS THIS HAPPENING???? <br> <br> We kept along the path and within minutes came into a clearing that lead to a series of cliffs overlooking the river. I realized Dan had found his way back to familiar turf and had brought us to the cliffs, a local hangout where I had been many a time. Sitting 250 feet over the river one could observe a great peace-sign made of rocks on the embankment below. We climbed onto the rocks, Dan warning me to be careful. The banana had other plans. He informed me that the only thing I could do that would matter would be to place stickers on the face of the cliff that had the police logo on them. I looked at Dan, who was sitting indian style on a jutting rock and I was instantly reminded of the Hermit from the game Rygar. I decided not to disturb him and went about my business of hanging over the cliffs edge and placing stickers as far as I could reach. I hung from my stomach down over the cliff and started feeling heavy. <br> <br> I was sliding. I remember my exact thought as I started feeling my weight shift towards my head. 'That fucking banana killed me.' Then blind pain as my chin smashed the rock ledge and my face was dragged along ground. Dan had leapt over, grabbed my feet and dragged me back to safety. Neither of us said a word yet he knew to come and help. <br> <br> We spent the rest of our trip exploring, chilling out, finishing another J and letting the trip unwind before he drove me back to my house where I climbed in through my window and slept for nearly a full day. <br> <br> This story taught me several things, one being that tripping can induce fear. Another being that fear is not always bad as this will forever be my favorite trip of many, many MANY trips - even though this one was spent almost entirely in some state of disbelief or panic. And finally it taught me that if you find yourself tripping and weilding a stuffed banana, get a second opinion before taking any advice it may offer.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 48973</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Nov 30, 2007</td><td>Views: 52,403</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=48973&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=48973&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Police / Customs (60) : Various (28), Guides / Sitters (39), Entities / Beings (37), Difficult Experiences (5)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.3 g</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">250 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> The following story is not a beginning-to-end account of my LSD trip; it is only an excerpt of the most interesting occurence. In fact, it is an excerpt of perhaps the most profound moment of my entire life. At the time of this story I was an experienced LSD user (about 20 trips preceding) and was comfortable enough with myself and my surroundings that I felt I could experiment with a slightly higher dose than ever before. What you are about to read is a calculated risk on my part, physically, emotionally, and legally. Don't take such decisions lightly. <br> <br> ~~~ <br> <br> My parents were out of town and I had the house to myself. It was a glorious sunny summer noon and I had reserved the entire day for intraspective exploration - I declared it a holiday of my one-man religion. Having familiarized myself with the variety and strength of the substance I planned to consume (paper tabs with a symmetrical pattern resembling a bathroom tile) I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to delve a little deeper than ever before. I started with 3 tabs, and after getting a good feel for things, consumed a 4th after about 90 minutes - my highest dose to this day. <br> <br> Most of the experience was unremarkable from my other trips, except for a few minutes I spent on my back deck as I welcomed the 4th hit. <br> <br> I was enjoying the radiance of sunlight softened by the white venetian blinds in my living room, and decided to peek around outside to 'see what I could see.' I took my first barefoot step outside onto the wooden deck and breathed in this glorious potpourri of swarming and exhaling vegetation, feeding my lungs like my belly is fed a fresh garden salad. I surveyed the back yard from afar, drinking in the velvety <br> vibrance with all my senses. In the distance I could hear the delighted screams and squeals of children enjoying recess from the nearby elementary school. I laid back on a plastic deck recliner, staring at the sky, revelling in this unbelievable stillness and peace the likes of which I'd never known. The knowledge that this was just another ordinary day and that such a fantastic orchestra of existence was the status quo filled me to the very brim with contentedness - a profoundness that reminded me of Leary's 'ecstasy' but a calmness and neutrality that betrayed such description. <br> <br> I relaxed all my muscles and decided to tackle one of the exercises I'd promised I'd try the last time I tripped - I closed my eyes and kept them closed. I was surrounded by this whirling miasma of blues and greens; the pollen-like residue of the 'good vibes' that emanated from nature around me that stuck to my soul like burrs on jeans. I felt my consciousness lapse into some abstract form that danced with this complex geometric tea party. I held proverbial hands with these particles, spinning with them in unison. They welcomed me, they beckoned me, and I welcomed their invitation. As we danced, the particles and shapes faded slowly from blues and greens to brighter greens, to a deep yellow, to sultry oranges, to bloody crimson, and deeper, darker, until there was nothing but intense blackness. The song of nature and the dance of life were no more and I knew, somehow, that this was the very epitome of unity - that, paradoxically, the only oneness was nothingness. <br> <br> Suddenly aware that I was reclining in a chair in my backyard, soaking the glorious warmth of the sun through my skin, I maintained this duality between nothingness and somethingness for an undetermined amount of time. Probably no more than a few seconds. Then I felt my eyes roll downward slightly. I felt the strain of the muscles as I peered down, continuing to see only blackness. When I looked down enough that my eyes were slightly uncomfortable I saw a pinprick of white light. Still in my chair but feeling myself flying, I willed myself toward the speck. The speck stretched vertically into a line, like a bright white toothpick. Daring to approach nearer, the toothpick expanded featurelessly in two dimensions until it resembled a sort of monolith. This white column stood before me, or I before it, and I felt the attraction. This column was a door. It was a portal to some place absolutely crucial to the universe. It towered before me, the purest white I felt I was capable of perceiving, and bathed me in a torrent of wellbeing, potential, energy, growth, expansion, vastness... I felt this column tugging at me, beckoning me, inviting me. My breathing stopped. My heart stopped. Everything was still. <br> <br> At this moment I was aware of my perceptual duality more than any other moment in my entire life. I was not only aware of it - this view was being presented to me. I was being asked THE QUESTION. Did I want to enter or stay? I knew somehow that where I was was some place that always was, always is, and always will be. I knew I could come here again when I was ready. I also knew that if I said yes to this question, that I could never go back to the world I grew up in. I felt that this was the door that separated 3 dimensions and infinite dimensions. I could choose to be reborn, right now, and to die on Earth. I was not afraid. I was not happy or sad. I was generously given the time to remain in limbo and rationalize the decision. I wanted to go through, but I felt I should weigh the variables first. <br> <br> I only needed one. I thought of my beloved girlfriend. My soulmate. Our souls were tied and I didn't have the right to separate them without her permission. I felt that I would miss her for all eternity if I left her. My love for her was greater than my love for anything else. <br> <br> The choice was made. The pillar quickly slipped back down into nothingness, out of the blackness rushed the red fractals, streaming into yellow, green, then blue, and then I opened my eyes. The world rushed into me the way water rushes down an open drain. I took a breath and realized it had been my first in some time. I loved the feeling. My backyard quivered and danced and glowed for me, each blade of grass enthusiastically waving hello to me after my excursion. I had made the right choice. <br> <br> I sat at my computer and described the experience to my girlfriend over IM (though for some reason I omitted that she was my reason for returning) but she was uninterested. I told the story again to another friend who was very positive and excited for me, insisting I'd had a brush with an out-of-body experience. I played some video games and watched some movies and enjoyed a jolly afternoon.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2004</td><td width="90">ExpID: 49772</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Feb 6, 2006</td><td>Views: 36,568</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=49772&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=49772&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Nature / Outdoors (23), Relationships (44), Mystical Experiences (9), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This was only my second experience with psychedelics. The first was a mild trip on one hit of acid. My friend K (I will refer to people by initials), who has tripped several times on mushrooms but was as new to LSD as I was, warned me that we hadn’t really been tripping. “You can sense when you’ve crossed that threshold. It feels somehow sharp. You know you’re in it for the long haul.” This really didn’t bother me much. My last experience had been so universally positive that it was hard for me to imagine what a difficult trip would be like. Ignorance is bliss, eh? <br> <br> I couldn’t have asked for a better day to trip. It was well into autumn and the leaves were all shades of brilliant colors, some on the ground, some still clinging to the trees. The day before had been quite cold, which had me worried I’d have to trip indoors, but on the day I was to trip, it was unusually warm, almost like summer, but with a crisp fall breeze. The sun lit the landscape so intensely that it reminded me of my last trip. My friend T attributes days like this one to the Stoner God, a benevolent deity who blesses hippies and heads with nice days to trip on. <br> <br> After eating breakfast with the four friends I tripping with, smoking a bowl, and preparing our trip kits, we set off toward the park. About half way there, probably around 11:30, we stopped at a bench to take our hits. I never cease to be amazed that so powerful a drug comes in such an unassuming package, and I mused to myself about this as I held the tiny peace of blotter paper under my tongue. My friend P knew several people who had tripped off of this same sheet and the word was it was excellent acid. P described the feeling you get waiting for acid to kick in as being like preparing to go on stage, and I recalled the nervous excitement and mental preparation from when I did theatre in high school. Everyone was in such high spirits from the weather, though, that I hardly thought about the acid, still in my mouth. <br> <br> As we entered the park and headed up the trail to Lookout Point, our first destination, I started to notice the colors more deeply. I saw my friends slowing down and looking more intently at the trees and assumed that the sensation had hit them at almost the same time. P smiled and said, “Do things like really bright to you?” I nodded with a grin and he added, “I think I might be tripping.” <br> <br> As we sat down on the giant rocks of Lookout Point, I suddenly felt a tightness in the back of my neck and a buzzing sensation in my head. I closed my eyes and leaned against the rock trying to calm myself, but my mind was chattering with odd disjointed thoughts and the tension had increased so that I kept trying to yawn. I realized that I felt cold, and I stumbled to my sweatshirt and jacket which I had discarded a few feet away. When I pulled them onto my body, I felt a tingle down my spine, and the fabric was pleasantly warm but oddly harsh on my skin. By the time I made it back to the rocks, my hallucinations had begun set it. With my eyes closed, I saw a magnificent spiraling fractal pattern radiating red and yellow shapes and symbols from a point that I sensed could only be the depths of my subconscious. (Incidentally, at a later date, I told a friend that my spirals always went counterclockwise, and he said his are always clockwise. We speculated that this may have something to do with left and right brain). When I opened my eyes, I saw the textures on the leaves and rocks seemingly smolder – they would ripple and darken, then peel away and send what looked like tracers into the air. Seeing me struggle, P asked, “How are you doing, man?” the last thing I remember saying for some time was, “Everything is melting up.” <br> <br> At this point, I experienced what I would later learn to call ego-death, but the feeling was alien and unpleasant as I desperately tried to cling to my sense of self while the drug acted to deconstruct it. My mind felt fractured, as if I was existing is several places and times simultaneously. Cause and effect had lost all meaning, so I began to have disjointed memories with no sequential relationship to one another. This led me to believe momentarily that time itself was an illusion, and that each moment in my life was occurring at the same time. Questions like, “Who am I?” and “What is fundamental?” led to radical deconstructions of existence, because everything I thought could be abstracted one step further. I found myself flailing to find a sort of cognitive ground – some fundamental thought upon which I could base my experience. Time, space, personality, and causation had all failed in this, and lacking any reference point, my consciousness was a whirlwind of thoughts without context. <br> <br> At some point, K looked at me and asked, “How are you?” I looked at him slowly and nodded my head. Words could not express how I was, so it seemed sufficient to give him the affirmative – yes, I exist. How I am is a non-issue, I just am. I also recall an odd moment of clarity in which I stressed to myself, “This is only a drug. Even if it’s difficult, you’ll still come down eventually.” In retrospect, I’m almost proud of myself for having the strength of will to think such a thing in the midst of such a shit storm. After we had been sitting at Lookout Point for some time in various mental conditions, A, who was very familiar with LSD and more adept than the rest of us insisted that we continue hiking and make our way to the lake. P and K agreed, but I looked at T to find that he seemed to be struggling as much as I was, if not more. I tried to protest, but had difficulty speaking clearly. A insisted that moving would help me calm down and the group began moving. <br> <br> She could not have been more correct, because I soon as I had a goal – something to draw my attention away from the madness in my own head, I began to realize that my surroundings were absolutely gorgeous. The ground was covered in a carpet of golden leaves that made the atmosphere seem to glow with an aura of the same color. The tree branches turned into spiraling tendrils of light that would curl themselves into circles before spinning off into the air, as if propelled by their own inner energy. The bark was bulging and rippling with dark craggy patterns. All of the trees looked like the ancient, massive treed you see in pictures of the primeval forests in Europe, except that the bark was crawling about and rearranging itself. <br> <br> We stopped again to rest and immediately, I was back in the confusion of my own mind – stronger, but not yet in control. P said, “We need some music, why don’t you play your harmonica. I remembered that I had my harmonica in my pocket and I put it to my lips, hoping I would remember how to play it. I found myself unable to play coherent melodies, but I discovered that it was intensely pleasing and calming to me to simply inhale and exhale through it, producing the two fundamental chords. <br> <br> On a harmonica, inhaling produces the V chord, and exhaling produces the I chord. V to I is the most basic cadence in all of music, tension and resolution. Some musicologists have theorized that moving from I to V represents leaving home, while the V to I resolution represents the return home. I was not actively conscious of this theory at the time, but I simply knew that this was the case. Exhale/inhale, V/I, tension/release, away/home. The duality implicit in the harmonica was like a revelation. Suddenly I knew the cognitive ground that I could use to understand my shattered reality. Everything exists in two states – dissolution and resolution, away and home. <br> <br> In all things, there are two states <br> Dissolution and Resolution <br> Away and Home <br> <br> This simple phrase became a mantra for me. At once, the madness of my experience collected itself into archetypal manifestations of this fundamental truth. I began to babble to P about my discoveries – the duality of all things, the cyclical progression from dissolution to resolution and back again, the psychological meaning of “home.” I was obsessed with the notion of home. I insisted that all of life is just finding home in the present moment, discovering the resolution of all tensions, psychologically returning to the first state of oneness, before moving back into chaos and repeating the process. At some point during this time, I had the bizarre sensation that P and I were shooting thoughts back and forth between our minds non-verbally, but these thoughts consisted only of sounds. I really can’t explain this, but that’s what it felt like. <br> <br> After walking for a long time, we arrived at the lake. The size and brilliance of it completely overwhelmed me. As we wound around the shore line, I admired the plants around me, which had taken on a painterly quality – instead of continuous lines, they looked like bold strokes of color moving independent of one another. Finally, we found a shady spot near the waters edge and sat to eat. At that moment, I felt completely at one with the universe and my companions. I reached the conclusion that all life is really a manifestation of the same universal life-form. Realizing that this life would continue forever without me, I had no fear of death, though I felt fortunate to have been given a portion of this life to do with as I please. As I sat in perfect bliss, marveling at the implications of my insights, I realized that I was home.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 69386</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 17, 2008</td><td>Views: 124,113</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=69386&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=69386&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Mystical Experiences (9), Music Discussion (22), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.0 g</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/mushrooms/">Mushrooms - P. cubensis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(dried)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3.0 g</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/mushrooms/">Mushrooms - P. cubensis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(dried)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 6:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 6:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 capsl</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2cb/">2C-B</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 6:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 lines</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 10:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 10:45</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 capsl</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2cb/">2C-B</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 14:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 capsl</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 15:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 bump</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 16:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 bumps</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 18:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 capsls</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 23:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5.0 g</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/mushrooms/">Mushrooms - P. cubensis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(dried)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 23:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 bumps</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">95 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Friday 13:00: After about a week of planning my “dealer” and I are getting ready to embark on an adventure of epic proportions. We pack the car and do a final check of essentials. We plan to attend a psytrance/music festival and consume some of and sell the rest of the following, over the 2 nights 3 days of the festival: <br> <br> 20 tabs LSD <br> 30grams shrooms <br> 5 gram extracted mescaline <br> 500mg of 2c-b <br> 5-6 grams MDMA <br> 500mg DMT <br> 3grams Ketamine <br> <br> What I ended up consuming myself: <br> <br> 5 tabs LSD <br> 10grams shrooms <br> 1 gram extracted mescaline <br> about 100mg of 2c-b <br> 1.5 grams MDMA <br> 3 hits DMT (smoked, not sure of dosage, but I was fuckered up) <br> and lastly 6 bumps of K. <br> <br> 15:00: <br> We arrived set up tent etc. and consume 2 grams of mushrooms each. They come on fairly quick and seem to be nice and mellow. The rest of the afternoon was spent hiking in the mountains surrounding the venue. We meditated on a rock at sunset and I felt good about obliterating my mind. <br> <br> 18:30 <br> Upon returning to our tent the music had started and I was feeling very cool, my mind was at ease and my body felt good I had not had many visuals yet. We consumed another 3 grams of mushrooms each and 3 tabs of LSD. We decided to go explore the dance area. I could feel both the LSD and the mushrooms fighting for dominance and had to lie down. I explained to my friend “dealer” who I will call D from here on. I found a soft spot and lay back. As my body hit the ground it felt as though everything was sinking in beneath me (in a good way) as waves of euphoria and that tingly acid sensation washed over my body. I have no idea how long I lay there, but I traversed time and space in my mind, I was soaring with nebulas and dancing with the cosmos. I eventually felt energetic and jumped up, a head rush followed that can only be described as my soul trying to pop out my skull. <br> <br> +- 21:00 <br> I found D, after roaming around like a madman for I don’t know how long. He was happy to see me and handed me 2 more tabs of acid and gave me a cap of 2c-b. I downed them all. We went for another walk up the mountains. It was pitch dark so we needed to bring a torch. The torchlight on the grass was insane it kept jumping up and dancing in the sky. <br> <br> We reached the rock we had meditated at earlier and I needed to sit down as I was feeling a little woozy. As I looked around everything seemed a lot more “evil” than it was earlier, even D’s demeanor had changed. I asked him something and he just mumbled back. I had a sudden fear that a demon or something had dragged me here to this rock. I kept seeing flashes of blood splattered every where, and I swore I could hear myself scream. I was breathing very heavily, and D said I should sit down. He took out some MDMA and said we should sniff some to clear the bad vibes. <br> <br> I sniffed 2 medium sized lines, and almost instantly felt like a purple cloud had descended on me. Everything was so happy and different to how it was not 2 minutes earlier. I could talk easier and we even hugged for a few minutes. We began talking about our lives and how him and I are so different, yet are the same people on psychedelics. I swear I could feel his thoughts at this point. I tried to explore this more but got a very sharp metallic taste in my mouth, and an intense headache. We decided we needed some water and headed back to the tent. <br> <br> 01:00 <br> We are back at the tent, and there are a few other people sitting around talking to the other people we met there. I was surprised at how easy I was talking to people. Eventually D decided we should all smoke some DMT. I have only done it twice before, and was a bit unsure, but we went into the tent and he took out a pipe a lighter and a small baggie of DMT. He said I should go first. He held the pipe and lit the small amount of DMT sitting on top of some parsley looking stuff. I inhaled deeply. The first taste was the distinctly acrid plasticy taste of DMT, I almost vomited but managed to keep it all in. I exhaled, but before the smoke had even left my mouth I could feel the pull of the floor. <br> <br> The tent swirled like ice cream at a parlour and before I knew it I was engulfed in whiteness and marbled lines like the architecture of a distant world far beyond our understanding. I could hear singing/ringing everywhere. And could hear my name (although it wasn’t, but I simply recognized it as my name). It was a woman’s voice and I tried to locate it, but there were patterns swirling everywhere in my vision, it was getting hard to focus on anything for longer than a second before it moved away. There were pulsating (not correct word, but closest to what I saw) colours everywhere, bright yellows and oranges they were changing shades and eventually I managed to move past them and was met by a massive tower like structure, the woman’s voice was coming from inside the tower. I tried to walk but was held back by something. The colours were fading and as I turned to see what it was the tent became clear again. I remember sitting up and I was sweating quite a bit. I relaxed for the next 10 minutes trying to understand what was going on. I tried to write down the experience, in point form but lost interest half way through. <br> <br> 01:45 <br> I thanked D and left the tent to go walk around as I was leaving D shouted and asked if I wanted more drugs. I said I would take some with me in case we got separated. He gave me some more 2c-b and a capsule of MDMA. I took the 2c-b and went to the stream nearby to relax and try to think. I lay on the ground, I could hear frogs croaking, but they sounded like machines or something, I closed my eyes and focused on their croaks. They seemed to get louder until it was unbearable, I screamed and they stopped. In my head I imagined that my scream had ended everything. <br> <br> I wanted to see what I had done, as it was so quiet, I could not even hear the sound of the music, only my heartbeat. Instead I decided I would re-create the world in my mind. At this point I became immersed in my own mind, I was creating the earth like a god it was swirling masses of rocks and I compacted them. I formed mountains, I flew through canyons I was carving with my mind. All in all I was the Universe, I was God, I was The God’s, I could understand everything that had happened, everything that was to happen and why. I knew I had a place in the world, and that I was just as important as a god because I came from something resembling a god. <br> <br> I gripped the grass around me tightly and ripped up handfuls of earth. The ground was cold and damp, as I made the connection to what I had done, the frogs croaking became clear again, and I opened my eyes. The first signs of dawn were clearly visible as orangey pinky glows in the distance. I washed my hands in the stream and ventured off to find D. When I found him he told me I had been gone for about 3 hours. I was surprised as I thought I had been gone about an hour tops. We relaxed at the tent and spoke to each other about a lot of shit. <br> <br> 05:30 <br> We decided to go for a swim and clear our heads. I took the other MDMA cap and had another line, hoping to keep up a happy mindset as things were starting to turn nasty again. I stepped into the stream and my feet felt like they had been dipped in liquid nitrogen, the sensation persisted as I went in deeper. I washed quickly as it was freezing. While drying myself It felt like the towel was re-juvinating me while I rubbed it vigorously over my body. I felt great. I looked at D and we plodded off again. <br> <br> 06:30 <br> We returned to the tent and debated trying to sleep; we decided it would be impossible. We decided however that it was now time to go dance. But not before some K. I had a small bump. It burned a little. It was beginning to take effect almost instantly as it felt like my head was expanding and floating at the same time I lay down and tried to forget about it. I noticed small clouds in the dawn light of the sky, they comforted me. <br> <br> There were disturbances in my peripheral vision, there had been all night. These were different though. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and my head started to “float away” again, I looked down at my shoes and they seemed like I was looking through binoculars backwards. I immediately jumped up, wobbled and fell over again. I was kneeling with my head in my hands. I could feel my face moving further away from my head, I couldn’t stop it. I was trying so hard to keep it from disappearing, I imagined myself running after it like a kid chasing a helium balloon. I cried out for D he came up and pulled me to my feet. He kept saying it would be ok, I believed him. <br> <br> He helped me walk to the tent. I lay there for quite some time, playing in my mind. I eventually felt good enough to stand up, but for some reason wanted more K. I had another 2 bumps and collapsed onto the bed. For the next hour I was obliterated I can’t even begin to describe the things that went on in my head. The tent wasn’t real, I wasn’t real. Nothing was real. I watched the Universe being born and then traveled through millions of years of the Universes development in split seconds. I arrived at the exact point I was at and jolted upright. I got up and needed to go outside. <br> <br> 09:00 <br> I went to dance for a bit and found D sitting playing with one of those you open and it’s a ball of interconnected plastic, and you close it and it like a star. He gave it to me and I danced with it. I felt so good, and could feel the MDMA slightly. I asked D for more as I was enjoying dancing so much. He gave me what was my last 2 capsules. I gobbled them up and went to sit down as I felt sick, they hit me so quickly, it couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes. I jumped and danced for what must have been close to an hour. <br> <br> 10:30 <br> I needed to eat even though I wasn’t hungry, but I felt weak. I opted for some fruit, It didn’t taste of much, but I could feel the goodness coursing thru my veins. After a fair amount of watermelon and some mango. I was ready to vomit, so I walked it off. I was feeling bouncy and lively, and danced for a short while, until my stomach started to cramp. I needed to lie down. I went to the first soft spot I had found the previous evening and lay there rubbing my stomach. It felt so good, and was helping a lot. I got up and went back to the dance floor D was gone. I went to the tent and found him sorting out shrooms to go sell. We sold shrooms and some acid for a while. <br> <br> 14:00 <br> We got back to the tent after walking around and selling the drugs. We decided the best thing to do was to eat some shrooms and veg out for the rest of the afternoon. We both ate 5 grams each and lay in the shade waiting for them to take effect. Most of the acid was still going but everything else had faded, the MDMA was still giving me very nice euphoria. <br> <br> I felt the familiar leg spasms of mushrooms and the discomfort in my stomach. My vision started to go all soft and hazy, I realized my eyes were trying to close, so I closed them and voyaged into my mind again. I assumed D was going thru the same thing as he was quiet as well. I tried to delve into my mind and as I traversed the corridors of my mind it became apparent that I needed to change. I was a disgusting person, who had destroyed my life with drugs. I argued with this thought and figured it could go very awry at this point. I opened my eyes and the same “evil” from earlier had returned. I was freaking out, I looked at my hands and didn’t believe they were mine. I looked at D lying next to me, he looked happy with a smile on his face, I was jealous I wanted to be happy. I got up and went into the tent and lay down again. <br> <br> Everything was closing in on me, I could hear people laughing at me outside. The world was mocking me. I closed my eyes and tried to break through this funk. I came to the conclusion that I was feeling guilty because of all the drugs I had taken, and promised myself never to do it again. I couldn’t have been very honest with myself as the feelings of anger and guilt grew stronger. D opened the tent and I almost fucking died of fright. He burst out laughing, and eventually so did I. I asked him if I could have more K to shift the focus of my trip. He obliged with 2 small bumps. I did one. The same feelings as before persisted, but they were looping in my mind, I could look at them from another perspective. I snorted the other bump and lay down again. <br> <br> This time my mind collapsed in on itself, and I forget the details, but I remember the tent vibrating and the stretcher that I was lying on felt like pillows stuffed with polystyrene chunks, I rolled onto the floor, and lay on my stomach. My stomach started growling, and mumbling I tried to listen to what it was saying, but it was obviously alien. I even tried communication but failed. I was cramping severely, and in a wave of brilliance decided my stomach was grumbling. But then it spoke almost an English word. For the next however long I was confused, angered and worried about my stomach. I think I may have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes the feeling of the K was almost gone. The mushrooms had mellowed out and D was nowhere to be seen. <br> <br> 16:00 <br> I ate some more food and prepared myself for the mescaline and impending vomit from the come-up. At this point I was unsure of proceeding with this ludicrous weekend. D convinced me that we had gotten this close to infinity that we had to go on. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking cod shit and mellowing out. <br> <br> 18:45 <br> We prepared ourselves mentally for the mescaline and I took 2 capsules which was about 500mg. We went to dance while we waited for the mescaline. I know it takes a while so I was not impatient. The shrooms were still going slightly and my visuals were pretty and soft like cotton wool spirals. We danced for about an hour, but my legs were starting to feel like lead so I sat down on a hay bail. <br> <br> I could feel the mescaline coming on slowly and felt anxious. It was like waves of warmth moving through my limbs. My vision was getting sharper and I tried to focus on a piece of hay, I moved it around and it left long lasting trails. I was definitely fucked on the mescaline. As I became aware of the high, I felt sick and ran off to a tree where I vomited. After I washed my face I surveyed my surroundings. I was feeling really happy and noticed a crowd gathering near the dance floor. I went over and there was a fire dancer show starting. I sat in awe for at least 45 minutes, the flames seemed like molten gold and amber being flung around and controlled by some magical force. <br> <br> I noticed D and called him over, he was well and truly high. He was also amazed at the flames and we sat talking about how it warmed our souls to see something like that. I asked one of the girls with the fire staff if I could have a go, she obliged. I focused myself and tried my best to look confident. I managed a few spins before dropping it. I returned it to her, and was quite impressed, D was laughing, as he reckons I made the dumbest faces. <br> <br> We both walked to the dance floor and just swayed in the awesomeness of the beats. I had to go stand next to the speaker and feel the power of the bass. The speaker set-up was 65K turbo sound rig, and was fucking loud. I pressed my back to one of the bass bins, and closed my eyes. What came next was truly amazing. It felt like I was floating. I couldn’t feel the ground at all I had to open my eyes to make sure I hadn’t floated off. My visuals were getting more intense and people were melting and moving to the music. I focused on one girl in particular who was dancing like she was loving life to the max. I watched her for ages, she was a goddess, a nymph, my ultimate desire. <br> <br> I snapped out of it and lost site of her. I had to find her I plodded off and eventually was lost near the stream, I have no idea how I had got there. I lay down as I felt I might be a little overwhelmed. I faded in and out of this reality and into the next, Orbs of “good” were swirling around my head, they were almost humming a peaceful tune, although I could have been doing this. I was in touch with myself, my inner beauty. I was electric, and amazing I felt like I could shoot lightning from my fingertips. I got up and had to find D to see if he was feeling amazing as well. He was at the tent. <br> <br> 23:00 <br> We had been chatting for ages about random things, and how psychedelics could really be the answer to a lot of the world’s problems, if anyone had ever felt like we did they would never want to harm anyone else. Let alone destroy whole countries. I had another bump of K for shits and giggles, it didn’t do much apart from give me some disturbing CEV’s of flashing lights and lightning. <br> <br> D asked if I wanted to hit the DMT again, I agreed. I sat on the stretcher and breathed deeply, he held the pipe to my mouth I inhaled held it and breathed out. I could feel the smoke swirling in my chest and throat, I coughed and shattered my vision, I focused on one piece at it fell to the floor it was getting closer and I was almost right on it. I kept falling and put my hand out to stop myself but was stopped by something. I saw fractals of infinite complexity, lines so thin a million of them would fit into a single strand of spider web. <br> <br> I heard the woman’s voice from earlier, it was very distant this time. I turned and could see nothing but pulsating glowing colours and architectural fractals. I turned once more and there she was, a woman naked and dripping water/mercury. She was pure, she was beautiful. I reached for her and tried to grab her hand, it was impossible to, she moved away as I moved towards her. I was getting frustrated, she whispered the word no. I felt happy as I knew now that she was unobtainable. <br> <br> Slowly the tent was coming back and I could hear ringing in my ears. I woke up slumped on the floor. D was laughing, and said I was doing some fucked up things, like growling and shaking. I lit the pipe for him, and left the tent so he could enjoy the privacy. I couldn’t believe how awesome I felt. My soul was glowing with love and peace, it came of waves of euphoria that can only described as god touching me. I thought back to the feelings I had on the mushrooms, and could understand them more clearly, they were dirty and horrible. The mescaline “explained” that I was not entirely ready for this weekend and that I was not to do it again as my life would indeed become dirty like those thoughts. It continued saying that I was experienced enough to do it, but that anything in excess is bad. <br> <br> I felt ashamed, and the presence grew stronger. I could feel love, pain, anger, happiness, and all my emotions as one emotion it was given a word by the presence but I have forgotten it. I was told that I have a lot to give to this world and should not let the pursuit of a “high” stop me from being the best person I can. I agreed. I snapped out of it as D walked up behind me. He handed me another 2 capsules of mescaline and said he was going to go fuck out in the tent. I took them and decided to go do the same. <br> <br> 05:00 <br> I awoke out of a haze of unconscious consciousness. I have no idea how long I lay there in tent for. I can’t even describe the things I had done in my mind. I looked at my watch and freaked out, I had been lying there for the whole night. I think my bodies tiredness was too much to handle. I was still very clearly fucked on the mescaline and went to watch the sunrise. I yanked D out of his sleeping bag, and we went up to the rock. He was not talkative, and neither was I but we seemed to communicate without words. We sat in awe of the sunrise. He pulled out the rest of the K and I refused any more. He had a bump and we both just sat in silence for what seemed like ages, I could see ants working, bugs doing there thing, and suddenly felt guilty about work. Which was the next day. I put it out my mind and continued to watch things going about their comical business. <br> <br> For the rest of the morning we didn’t do much apart from smoke a few joints and eat some food. D was convinced some of his soul had been stolen. I on the other hand felt like my soul had been given a second chance, another chance to be great. I told him he was being silly and that it was probably the K. He agreed, and started laughing. I said we should do it again next week jokingly, I think he almost fell off his chair, until I said it was a joke. He seemed very serious, and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I said I was going to bathe in the stream. <br> <br> When I returned everyone was packing up, I helped and we left shortly afterwards. I was still very high in the car on the way home and watched as the scenery flitted by. I was relieved to get home, and have a shower. I felt like the shower cleansed me inside. I thought back to what the mescaline had told me and smiled. I knew I would be ok. I watched tv for the rest of the day until I fell fast asleep. <br> <br> Conclusion: <br> I feel I seriously over did it, but things like this don’t happen very often. I will be taking a year’s break from psychedelics, and hope to only do Mescaline and LSD when I start again. I came to the realization, that although psychedelics can reveal truths about myself and the world, it is still a drug, and will be used in the pursuit of a high. I vow never to look at psychedelics in this way again, and treat them with the respect they deserve.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 70283</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jun 21, 2008</td><td>Views: 303,327</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=70283&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=70283&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Ketamine (31), DMT (18), MDMA (3), Mescaline (36), 2C-B (52), LSD (2), Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), Mystical Experiences (9), Entities / Beings (37), Multi-Day Experience (13), Combinations (3), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 Tbsp</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/nutmeg/">Nutmeg</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 7:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/salvia/">Salvia divinorum</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract - 10x)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 7:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gas)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 8:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">125 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/salvia/">Salvia divinorum</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract - 10x)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 8:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gas)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> About 3 weeks ago (this was edited again 6 weeks after the event) I set aside a weekend night to be devoted to some experimentation with a combination of LSD, nutmeg, nitrous oxide, and my newly arrived salvia divinorum 10x extract I was eagerly waiting to break into. (I did not originally intend to use the Ganzfeld sensory deprivation set up I had previously assembled for use with DXM, although it ended up playing perhaps the most important role in the course of my night.) The nitrous and salvia were the most important to my main mission of the night, which was to be an attempt at total ego annihilation and body disassociation. This was to be obtained through a “loosening” of my hold on the world with nutmeg and LSD, and then brought on fully through an intake of both salvia extract and nitrous oxide in quick succession. I had previously experienced ego loss in varying degrees on a variety of substances, and body disassociation as well (most often with DXM), but had yet to ever find myself in a fully dissociative state, completely unaware of the existence of my body, or in a state of ego loss so profound that my fundamental concept of the “I” was ever truly obliterated the way I had read about in many experiences with smoked DMT and Salvia. <br> <br> The nutmeg I had decided on due to being unable to procure any decent cannabis, and because the low quality cannabis that was available was extremely overpriced. Since nutmeg has always given me a high very similar to low quality marijuana I decided it would be a decent substitute for my purposes. I took the nutmeg, 3 heaping spoonfuls, at around 6 PM. Within an hour I began to notice some increased visual snow, phosphene like apparitions, in my field of vision, but little else. At about 9 PM after coming back from the gym I took my tab of acid and took a shower, getting giddy as I eagerly awaited the come on of the LSD and nutmeg effects. <br> <br> I spent the next few hours coming up into a very pleasant if mellow trip. I listened to music, jammed on the guitar a bit, did some charcoal sketches and drew a big psychedelic mural on a cardboard board I had lying around with markers. <br> <br> Around 1 AM I decided it was time for the main course of the night, which was to come in the form about a 10th of the gram of 10x salvia extract followed immediately by a hit of nitrous oxide from one of the whipped cream cans I had ready in my refrigerator. As I began to get everything set up for my big trip I started to feel a good deal of anxiety build up. My brain recoiled in fear of the ride it was about to go on. I put some low-key music on, Bob Marley I think, and dimmed the lights, in an attempt to get myself properly relaxed before I took the plunge. I took the salvia via vaporizer, heating it to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. I laid myself out on some couch cushions on my floor with the vape next to me, unwrapped the can of whipped cream, and waited for a minute or two, taking deep breaths to relax myself, to get ready before the plunge. <br> <br> I affixed the vaporizer tube to the vape, took four large hits, which I held for a count of 30 seconds each. With each inhalation I felt myself, my perceiving being, pushed farther and farther from things I had always closely associated with concepts of self, and began losing consciousness of, and sense of control of, my physical body. I was being pushed away from my memories and personality, my “ego” if you will, although I would say I still possessed a strong sense of a self, although a much degraded self. At this same moment a sort of “special gravity,” seemed to kick in. This is an experience common to all my strong salvia trips, I felt the strong pull of gravity on the back of my head, and more so deeply within my being, dragging my consciousness backwards into my skull with a sensation not unlike that from the plunge of a rollercoaster drop, although without any of the adrenaline or deep stomach panic feelings. Realizing I was quickly losing control of my functions I hit the off button on the vape, who’s colored lights were already strobing considerably, and lifted the whipped cream can to my mouth. <br> <br> The nitrous hit took immediate prominence in my attention over the rising salvia effects. I felt like my head was a balloon being poured full of helium and rising on its string, floating to the top of the room. The sound in the room coming from my speakers began to climb in pitch and became totally unrecognizable as music, although not at all unpleasant. The music, which now manifested itself to me as a pleasant and intricate buzzing sounded as though somebody had hooked up a wah pedal to the input chord of my brain and was rocking it back in forth in steady rhythm. <br> <br> My vision at this point, while I still recognized the room and objects within it fairly well, became very chaotic, with very strong green, red, yellow, and blue colored spider’s web patterns overlaying everything. The room also began to have a very pronounced spin, much like that produced by heavy alcohol intoxication, although I experienced none of the nausea common with alcohol. Body disassociation was almost complete, and while at this point my name and much personal information had long since checked out of being, a definite sense of self as a being still remained. <br> <br> I could feel the nitrous effects subside as the salvia continued to build. The fuzzy headed upward floating was again replaced by the salvia special gravity sinking. Knowledge of my body returned completely, although ability or want to use it was nonexistent. As the salvia effects continued to build up the open eyed patterns became more intense, taking on more filled in geometric schemes. The erratic and nondescript spider’s web patterns took on a more mandalesque, shape based form, reminding me both of pre-Columbian Central American art and eastern Hindu and Buddhist art, although the general impression was much more of the former. Faces began to appear in the pattern. Not clear faces, because the pattern was still very much merely an overlay of material objects in the room, but the perception of faces began to manifest itself within the pattern. The overhead light at the center of my room took chief hold of my attention. It seemed to be a being in itself, or more so a half being, for I recognized it well as a simple light, but also as an entity. At the time however, this duality did not seem at all odd or contradictory to me. Although the light did not speak to me in any clear sense, I got the distinct impression from it that “I would need to try harder in the future to get what I was looking for.” Staring at the light it seemed to take on an arachnid character, with thick black leg lines growing from it and twisting around it with the spin of the room. Despite the visuals persisting in intensity, I began to feel more and more the presence and importance of my body, and the many scattered facets of my ego began to fall soundly back into place. Most importantly, the idea that this was all the effect of a drug became concrete once more, pulling me out of the aimless trance state I had been in. I realized that my goal of total ego and mind/body dissolution had not come to fruition; however I was very excited. There was, as the spider light had suggested, more I could do. The idea of the sensory deprivation Ganzfeld fell immediately into my mind. <br> <br> I was almost overwhelmed with excitement to begin, but for the moment was still far too intoxicated to start setting up, so I laid back for a while closing my eyes and enjoying the intricate patterns forming on the backs of my eyelids. <br> <br> The salvia effects subsided for the most part soon after, though given my already altered LSD and nutmeg induced state I would say my trip had been kicked into overdrive by the recent experience both as respects a far more noticeable “high, and fogging of the mind, as well much more prominent visuals and patterning. Setting up the Ganzfeld, especially with all its parts scattered around my apartment was, to say the least, difficult in my current state and took a good hour and a half. This making it approximately 2:30 AM, 6 and a half hours after I first took the LSD, about 5 hours since I began to feel its effects. <br> <br> I had a television covered in a blanket creating white noise for my head phones, 2 lamps with low watt red bulbs in them set up over my head, and the pingpong balls with adhesive already affixed to them ready to put on over my eyes. The only downside of my set up is that the TV had a 15-20 minute auto shut off timer when it was playing static. I actually kind of liked this though because I figured it would keep me from being there all night and into the morning when my roommate might come home early and find me obviously in some sort of weird drug fueled ritual. (One thing I feel I should make clear about my personal experience with the Ganzfeld is that unlike float tanks that induce darkness like effects, it causes one to simply cease to process visual stimuli. For me this has represented itself as loss of all sense of visualization, making it quite a bit different from darkness in which I’ve found visual hallucinations actually increased. In this way it is for me more of a true deprivation then what comes from sensory deprivation tank. Meanwhile, with white noise, I find the sense of sound remains very prominent, unlike with noise canceling, making sound take of a greater role in Ganzfeld experiences then in sensory deprivation tank ones, and likewise vision becomes of much less, if any importance.) <br> <br> Figuring out how to hit the vape and the whipped cream without being able to see was quite the challenge. I loaded the vape with the salvia from last time, figuring it might have some active chemical left in it that had not been vaporized and added another 8th of a gram of extract, intent on really blasting off this time. Being effectively blind did little to ease my anxiety about the coming trip, but I was so eager to really break through that I was able to spur myself on, despite images of Frankenstein type disaster floating through my mind. Vape tube in one hand, whipped cream in the other, I took in and held several hits of the salvia (I do not recall exactly the number, but I would put it between 5 and 8), experiencing the same rising cloud of confusion and removal of aspects of self as last time, along with the special gravity beginning to move me back into my skull. This time though the effects, due to taking more hits with more salvia in the vape, and the Ganzfeld, built up quite quickly. I felt I was barely able to get off the nitrous hit while still able to function. I inhaled and leaned back into the floor. <br> <br> <br> With no build up, within an instant, it was all of it, everything, like nothing I had ever experienced before- <br> <center> <br> I was falling back into my imploding skull <br> Falling backwards <br> Back back back <br> And into- <br> Falling… <br> </center> <br> <br> And it is all eternal nothingness and I’m all gone, all but my tongue and my teeth, they are my everything- tap the teeth with the tongue- “what is that?” What is? Then the tongue and teeth disappear and there is no body, just a wisp of I, cart wheeling in the engulfing nothingness. Then nothing… <br> <center> <br> Gravity in the back of my head. <br> Gravity sucking in everything. <br> A black hole in my skull, <br> spinning, <br> consuming everything. <br> </center> <br> <br> My vision and hearing shut down entirely and I lost all sense of my body, though I had the distinct feeling of being “something” through powerful sensation of rushing backwards I felt. The white noise faded into a cascade of unchanging sensory waterfall that became a sonic pulsing of my entire being. For an indeterminate amount of time I simply was not. Then out of it I became aware that I was, and had begun quite recently to be. As I continued to be I felt myself expand out of nothing, I began to grow. This feeling was akin to a sense of birth and then growing up and maturing in life. I felt a strange sense of removed pride in my expansion, not unlike that which comes from beating a level of a video game that hasn’t fully captured my interest. This continued for a while and I continued to grow, expanding into the nothingness. After a time my parents appeared to me in a blurred conceptual form. They were thoroughly chastising me for being so amazingly high, so altered. Although my sense of sight had shut down I saw them, as if in a dream, as large hulking cartoon bears towering over my expanding, but still small child entity. <br> <br> I tried to get away from the chastisement, picking up on their suggestion that I was just “high,” and tried to look around me, hoping to reestablish contact with reality, only to be met with a featureless field of dull red infinite. I fell back into nothingness. <br> <br> A whirling phantasm- an “I am, I am. I am. I, I, I. I. I.” No I. An eye simply! An eye was all that was left of “me,” pure perception, zero introspection. Internal monologue, which had ceased to exist, began again, but was degraded into single word-concepts repeated again and again as my flailing ego sought vainly to lay hold on some semblance of recognizable thought- some foothold of cognition, to reassert itself on. <br> <br> Just as one experiences the tip of the tongue phenomenon, able to recognize a concept or thing but not the words for it, so was I able to vaguely guess a word and concept but unable to lay firm hold to either. The words, experienced as both as concept assertions and audible stimuli were repeated again and again to me, quickly degrading in understandability and meaning with repetition and trailing off into infinity before blending into the omniechoing static and being replaced. <br> <br> I then fell into a very distinct and detailed memory of being about 6 years old and playing with my next-door neighbor and best friend in my neighbor’s basement. I was going up their stairs to go outside into the fresh summer air, totally caught up in the game of imagination we were playing. Then suddenly I fell out of the vivid memory and was bodiless again. Then another one of my oldest friends, Mike, came to me in bodiless concept form and tried to put me at ease as to what was going on, telling me to relax. Next my friend Dave appeared to me laughing hysterically and asking me “why I was so fucked up?” I could not rightly give him an answer but began to find my current state very funny as well. <br> <br> I came too with the static of the TV chiming off. In a heavy fog of confusion I lifted the ping pong balls off my eyes, turned the TV back on, hit the vape again, replaced the eye covers, and fell back into total ego loss. Whether there was any active chemical left in the salvia that had been left in a vaporizer at 400 degrees for 15 minutes or so, I don’t know, but lying back into the Ganzfeld was enough to blast me off yet again. The phenomena of coming vaguely back, taking a vape rip, and falling back into nothingness again happened a few times. I felt like I was coming up for much needed oxygen each time and then diving back into the deep enveloping sea of unsurpassed beauty and wonder that was total disassociation. On the last time I “dove” back into the Ganzfeld I began to feel terrified as my ego drifted away once again. I thought I would never be me again, that I was doing something incredibly dangerous, that I was dying. I had no anxiety up to this point, but now- Adrenaline- deep stomach terror, shot through my body as I opened my eyes wide and saw nothing. I tore off the ping-pong balls, gasping for air as I sat up. I quickly relaxed at seeing the world appear again and realized I had nothing to worry about. I replaced the eye coverings and drifted off again. <br> <br> When the TV kicked off again I made the decision that it was time to come back to myself. It was a slow and difficult process. I felt amazingly drained and tired. I had spent almost 30-40 minutes in a state of total ego and body disassociation. I felt like an infant. I’d move my head up, look around the room, and then drop it and close my eyes trying to gather the gravity of what had just happened and reassert myself into the world. All my concepts of the world as it was, all my hard earned objective philosophy, all my Nietzsche, and Heidegger, all my things in and of themselves, all my memories and concepts of self, they were all of them blown to total shit. <br> <br> I sat in complete wonderment of the fact that I had a body, of the idea of bodies and being themselves. That simple thought brought to me such exquisite joy. I sat in rapture at being again while at the same time basking in the ecstasy that had been nonbeing. It was as if both were infinitely enjoyable and I was now on to enjoy the treats of being after a good time- a measureless time- of ecstatic nonbeing. When I had the energy to stand I wavely walked around a bit as I gathered my thoughts. I got naked and began to admire my body and the wonder of having a body. My thoughts were at this point still highly frazzled and everything in the dim red light seemed to be breathing heavily. I laid back down for a time simply basking in what had just happened. <br> <br> “And I came back in a body that knows how to play guitar.” This was a wonderful fucking revelation. I grabbed my electric lickty-fucking split, not caring to plug it in, and began to play away to my great joy. My fingers flashed around the fret board, great trails of bright blue streaming off them and into the dim red surroundings with each note I plucked. After a bit I walked upstairs to my room, purposely avoiding the mirror, I wanted to wait a bit to look at myself for the first time, and sat down with my acoustic on my bed and tried to reflect on just what the fuck had happened. It seemed amazing to be so absolutely separated from all things human. The utter difference of my experience from all else I had known blew my mind. <br> <br> At this point I began to get extremely excited about my prospects in life. I truly felt my previous self had died, and though I grieved him, the new me had been born through his death, and he had to live. And live he would! How easy everything would be! No tiredness would hold me back, no anxiety. Everything was possible! I could go out and meet all sorts of new people daily, bring them joy and love. I could work on my guitar playing, on my art, on making those closest to me happy with three fold efforts. I could practice meditation more as I had always meant to, I could start keeping a good dream journal again and work on my lucid dreaming. And yes! I could at some point in the future use substances as tools to lose myself in the ecstasy of nonbeing once again. A shaman born! A shaman born was I, one who could choose to not be. “To be or not to be?”, was no longer the question, no longer a question at all, it had become a choice! Existentialism is everything, and as Sartre said, existentialism is humanism, but I could become unhuman. I had overcome existentialism? Overcome existence? <br> <center> <br> Ubermensch! <br> <br> Ubermensch? <br> </center> <br> <br> I almost could not wait to begin running around meeting and helping and loving people, even if it was 4:00 AM at this point. Looking in the mirror for the first time occupied a good half hour as I admired my physique and got happy about being “placed into such an adequate body.” I decided to take a shower, which felt amazing. Towards the end I switched the water to as cold as it would go and stood under it as long as possible before jumping out. At this point I may have creeped out my neighbors through our thin walls by yelling “I’m alive wooooo, I’m alive,” and wooping around the apartment. <br> <br> However it wasn’t all sunshine in the hours following the experience. There were birthing pains to be had. The next hour, as I was still tripping to a large degree, unfolded into “who man I? Am I me? Who was me? I’m not him, have I killed him?” I had to stop myself from thinking a few times, pull and E brake on my thoughts, because I felt myself going right off the deep end into a total freak out. At this point I began to realize the risk of running such a heavy trip without a tripsitter. At the same time I think a tripsitter could have negatively affected the experience at many points, especially my coming out of the Ganzfeld, where in my weakened and confused state I would have been very embarrassed to have a person watching me. I’m not sure what good a trip sitter might have done at this crisis point anyhow. I probably would have rambled to them, apologizing for killing their friend, which might have driven me further over, where as being alone I was able to decide “fuck it, whatever,” with all the “I don’t give a fuck,” years of minimum wage jobs and pointless American high school had taught me so well. <br> <br> I have Mondays off, and this had been a Sunday night. At around 9, as the first wave of people were taking the bus down to class. I decided to go out with them and get myself a nice fruit drink. Not that I didn’t have drinks in my refrigerator, but I felt the need to mingle with my fellow humans, to start right away meeting and sharing love with the whole human race. Dostoevsky was right, “understanding is forgiveness”, and I understood and forgave all that was human! <br> <br> This turned out to be an absolutely terrible fucking idea. I had expected everyone to be as bright eyed and enthusiastic about life as me and I was met with bleary eyed, tired, and pissed off looking people on all sides. Noise was incredibly loud to me and I felt awkward for my own breathing as I sat silently on the bus. The buses movement also made me extremely motion sick, and I found myself getting off at an early stop to walk home rather than risk my LSD weakened stomach. It was being self-conscious for the first time all over again and it sucked. <br> <br> The way home from the bus stop I got off by a cemetery, which I decided to walk through. My thoughts at this moment on death were odd. On the one hand I loved life intensely and never wanted to die, and yet, death, nonbeing, was infinitely better and more powerful than anything I had ever known. How were those souls beneath the ground faring? How was it not to be ever again? The morning was crisp and warm and the sun on my face felt amazing. I was still getting slight visuals and the morning sky dotted with lightly breathing clouds looked picture perfect. I walked further into the cemetery, paying respects in my mind to those who were once like me yet now no longer were, were never to be, and walked out of sight of the road and into a copse of trees. There I sat down and I cried. <br> ------------------------------------------------ <br> <br> I’ll end the narrative there although I had many similar, if less intense experiences over the next few hours before going to sleep and to a degree the next day. I can say that this trip definitely has affected me in what seems to be a permanent way, although not to the extent I originally thought it would. It has made me change my views on perception-based reality and the ridiculousness of objectivity in any sense. I’ve abandoned to a degree my faith in any amount of rationalism or empirical organization to make things clear to me when perception can be so radically altered. This was a mystical experience in every sense of the word, and although it instilled in me no spiritual revelation as respects organized religion or any set beliefs, it made me realize I was fool hardy in casting spirituality aside, and I now strive to embrace it and break down the protective walls I had built up around myself against spirituality that had masqueraded as “philosophy.” I realize my entire epistemological theory had been flawed. I had been totally caught up in knowing, maybe sometimes realizing, but I never “felt” truth. That night I felt the truth of being as only nonbeing could make me truly feel it. A truly philosophical lesson. <br> <br> Over the next week I made efforts to tell my parents and all close to me how much I loved and appreciated them. I put myself forward in new social situations and attempted to help and love as best I could. My resolve in this faded disappointingly quick though, especially as regards branching out socially. Fatigue, which I was sure I could cast off as a regular part of life continues to be a problem and I find myself being too tired to put all my best efforts forth in most things most of the time. Still, self-improvement is a long road and I use this experience as a drawing point for motivation towards progress. <br> <br> The other lingering effect of the trip is that I still feel as though I am not fully the same person I was when I left that night, although much less so then when I first came back to myself. It feels like a chapter of my life ended that night and a new one has begun. It is much like how I feel the day after a heavy DXM trip, the difference being that with DXM that sensation lasts a day or two and this has lasted 6 weeks. I haven’t used any psychedelic drugs since despite having friends trying to get me to trip with them on spring break. I feel I need to digest this last trip quite a bit before returning to anything of that sort and get me well rooted in me. I still feel a bit wispy ego wise! <br> <br> Anyhow- not to be too long winded, hope you liked it. <br> <br> As a post script, if this hasn't already become a bit long, I would like to comment on the philosophical implications of this experiences as regards my view of perception based reality. I had before this taken, perhaps a bit grudgingly, that reality is perception based, and ultimately subjective. I was a postmodernist, but only because I couldn’t find a way around postmodernism. I however, drew the conclusion, erroneously, that somehow because a given perception schema I've come to hold is more persistent then others, that it is more consequently more important, and more importantly, more 'real.' This was a grievous mistake in valuation, perhaps brought on by my fears of succumbing to postmodernism and loss of valuation grounding. Nevertheless, this eye opener has helped me cast this off. I don't see my experience then as fake, I don't just a total loss of body and self brought on only by drugs, that really it was just me lying on the ground with ping pong balls on my eyes tripping my brains out, rather I see a duality of reals, in which non-existence, my total non-existence, stands out as more palpable. <br> <br> For a better example, I think of my first girlfriend. When I was with her I thought myself thoroughly in love. Now I hardly see that as even possible. And yet how can I challenge the reality of previous perception based on what persists just due to its persistence? What evidence is there that the persistence of perception is equal to its reality? I've adopted a quite Hegelian idea of epistemology, seeing knowledge of being as a flower, it must first be a bud before it can bloom into greater things, and must be a flower before a fruit, but all are real knowledge of being that must be cultivated. Knowledge in improved by synthesis and possesses inherit dualism between immediate and persisting perceptions. <br> <br> Hegel applies the idea of the flower bud to mankind as a whole, and I think this is very suiting. How we as a race viewed the world years past is totally different from our 'real,' now with big bangs and atoms and such. It is much like my being in love before. Was I not really in love because this image has not persisted? Was spirituality, as Nietzsche thought, all mere escapism from the threat of death just because the evidence from which spiritual conclusions were drawn have not persisted? Will not our current scientific mold of reality, and our current hypo-deductive epistemology not seem ridiculous to future humans? Will it be as much a myth as dead and denied love? Will we deny the big bang ever was if we find evidence somehow to the contrary? In the great chain of history it is easy to side with the present and give yess and nos to these questions, but given the essential duality found in perception as it must apply to how we judge real, relying on persistence to understand reality it ultimately foolish.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 70438</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jul 8, 2008</td><td>Views: 54,879</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=70438&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=70438&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Mind Machine Devices (301), LSD (2), Nitrous Oxide (40), Salvia divinorum (44), Nutmeg (41) : Mystical Experiences (9), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td><a href="/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&ID=279"><img src="/experiences/images/authors/logo_lucidstudies.jpg" alt="author logo" align="right" border="0"></a> </td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:55</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I began my trials with LSD in January of 2008. The first time was on a Saturday. I was home alone, and I was in a good state of mind. The only problem was that I had a few doubts about the source I had acquired the tabs from. They were younger distributors, and somewhat new to the business. I had no reason to doubt that their tabs were LSD, but some previous customers had complained they were slightly on the weak side. <br> <br> I slipped a quarter-inch blotter under my tongue. The paper was thick, almost like cardboard, and adorned with fractal patterns. It had no taste whatsoever. About forty minutes later my skin started to flush, and within an hour there was a nice full-body high, but only the slightest of visuals. A second tab was taken, and between two and three hours in, a hallucinogenic state flowered into being. There was some wavy movement of objects with my eyes open, and a profoundly increased level of detail in my surroundings, with intensified light, color and shadow. <br> <br> After about four hours, the mental effects became more prominent. There were looping and wandering thoughts, somewhat reminiscent of the confusion produced during the onset of a mushroom trip. But there were also moments of lucidity, reflection, and clear articulation. Throughout the day, my pulse rate increased and decreased unpredictably in fluctuating cycles. One of the most distinctive and constant visual effects was a tendency of letters to 'wiggle'. In fact, words seemed to swim upon their pages, or whatever they were printed onto. It was beautiful to watch, but could be distracting if I wanted to read a book. The effect was constant, and long lasting: Even shortly before I went to bed, I caught the large blue print on the packing crate in the corner of my study rippling and echoing around the edges. <br> <br> The effects seemed to be gone the next day, but for several days there was a vague sense that something remained altered under the surface. On one occasion I smoked some pot several days after the trip had ended, and acid-like visual and emotional states once again became noticeable. It was obvious that I was dealing with a powerful drug. The visuals were perhaps not as strong as I had expected, but they were very clear and crisp, with a unique beauty of their own. The mental state gave way to profoundly emotional twists and turns and a sort of mystical confusion. But I couldn't help but think I had missed something, that a greater treasure still remained to be unlocked. <br> <br> There were a couple more small doses that failed to deliver that missing element, and even a skirmish with bad prints containing a DOx chemical. Then I happened upon some new blotters that I had reason to believe were of the highest possible quality. It was time to finally get to the bottom of LSD's mystery, and I chose to do so with the company of a friend. <br> <br> In early March, I met up with 'C': A University student with similar interests who I met a few months back. C had previous experience, including having had the opportunity to thoroughly explore 4-AcO-DMT. He had expressed an interest in LSD to me, but before this day he had never taken a long-lasting drug. C is a 150 pound male in his mid twenties. <br> <br> It was Sunday. C and I planned on meeting up early, but he got a bit lost and showed up shortly before noon. I brought him in, and introduced him to my girlfriend. She diverted her attention away from her cooking show and greeted him. I then showed him around the various rooms of my apartment, which I had recently decorated with a number of paintings and prints. <br> <br> We settled in the Study: A second bedroom that I converted into a place to manage my computer, my DVDs, my music, and my chemicals. He commented on the Perkinson print on my wall, a very colorful layout with a bird spirit beside a kachina doll. Then he surprised me with a very kind gift: Samples of some 4-substituted tryptamines from his own collection, suspended in a liquid-filled eyedropper bottle. I added the sample jar to my refrigerator. We talked for a few minutes: I asked him how he felt, and if there were any preparations he wanted to tend to, or any plans he had for the day. C decided to take a small supplement of L-Theanine as an anti-anxiety treatment to combat his trepidation. After that, he was ready. He had come prepared with bottled water and plenty of his own musical selections. We were content to spend the time indoors relaxing and simply see where things went. <br> <br> I took notes on a notepad once we got started. Before I share what happened, I would like to describe the acid tabs we were working with. These were bicycle prints, from Europe: Commemorating Albert Hoffman's bicycle ride and his first trip on LSD. They were highly-priced, yet nobody who buys them ever seems to complain. I could not get my source to divulge exactly what the dose per tab is. But in my estimation at the time, 250mcg per tab seems like it could be about accurate. Later, I asked my distributor to determine the exact dosage for me. He eventually talked to laboratory contacts who were involved in preparing the tabs, got back to me, and told me that the dosage per tab was 200 micrograms. <br> <br> <span class="erowid-note">[Erowid Note: Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]</span> <br> <br> This was our bicycle day: A day to discover the true power of LSD. <br> <br> 11:55 AM: C & I take 1 tab each and hold them under our tongues. There is a bit of a chemical taste. It is not like the sickly-bitter taste of a DOx blotter, it is the metallic taste of a significant dose of lysergic acid. It washes away with a sip of water. <br> <br> 12:05 PM: I put on an album of relaxing music. C shows me a necklace he recently got: A silver serotonin molecule! Something I've seen many times before in pictures but never yet laid eyes on in person. It's beautiful. <br> <br> 12:30: We are very talkative. I show him a diagram of the LSD molecule online and discuss the differences between lysergides and tryptamines. Then the conversation drifts and we talk about the Dreamachines invented by Brian Gysin. I'd like to build one as a decoration for my home. C talks about how primitive stroboscopic light experiments like Gysins influenced more sophisticated light-flicker therapies that came later on. <br> <br> 12:40: We're still only feeling the faintest of effects. There's a little bit of chest tension, and we're feeling anxious, as though something big might happen soon. There is also a noticeable body high. But definitely no visuals. <br> <br> 12:50: We had agreed that if we weren't overwhelmed by around the one hour point, we would consider a second dose. Perhaps I didn't give as much thought as I should have to the unusual potency of these blotters, and the possibility they might take more than an hour to sink it. I go to my sheet and cut two more squares off with a pair of scissors. Soon we are tasting the chemical again while music plays behind us. <br> <br> 1:00: C is seeing rippling patterns with his eyes closed. I feel tenseness under my skin and a connection between my state of being and C's. I feel that the same energy is rippling through us both, what is behind his eyes and under my skin is the same force. Nobody else can understand my state except for him. <br> <br> 1:05: C puts his iPod on to listen to his own music. I turn mine off, finding that I prefer the silence. <br> <br> 1:15: C is getting sucked into his own world now. He finds it’s easier not to talk. I cannot find a neutral state and I cannot ignore the fact that something enormous is starting to happen. Silence is very powerful. <br> <br> 1:20: C is completely swept away. So am I. It is difficult to speak. <br> <br> 1:30: There are still more closed than open-eye visuals. But the raw sensation of the drug is becoming intense. Our faces are flushed, and there are feelings of pressure against our skin. I see a flash of emotion appear in C’s face. I ask him, “What are you feeling?” He says, “Euphoria. I wasn’t expecting it, but… it’s really strong.” His face twists into a strange smile. So does mine. <br> <br> 1:35: I am stricken by a wave of anxiety mixed with mild nausea. The euphoria is deepening… the substance seems to sink into every atom of my flesh. It is getting difficult to manage. <br> <br> 1:40: I wander into the bathroom and throw up. I feel better afterwards. I brush my teeth and wander back out to the study. <br> <br> 1:45: I play a song. In the chorus, the artist sings, 'And I puuuuuuuuuush your body out into space...' I close my eyes, and there I am: Floating in a great black void. The singer's words propel me as he continues: 'Let it go, watch it drift awaaaaaaaaaay...' and away I drift. Living the song, floating in space. <br> <br> 1:50: The song ends. I open my eyes and look at C. He looks very peaceful. <br> <br> 1:55: The substance is rising in intensity. It's not peaceful anymore. I am dumbfounded. C looks panicked. We are both starting to get dizzy. <br> <br> 2:00: I look into C's wide-open eyes. He is becoming overwhelmed. He looks at me. 'Oh Fuck...' he says. It is beginning to dawn on him just how powerful this thing is that he will be inundated with for the next ten hours. <br> <br> I respond to his outburst: 'Yes, I know. The world's not the same as it was yesterday, is it?' <br> <br> In a hushed whisper, C replies “...no, it's not.” <br> <br> “The only thing that bothers me is that I can’t define it. I can’t explain what’s changed about the world. But everything's changed. It’s just too much to put into words!” <br> <br> When we close our eyes, we are met with kaleidoscopic swirls, abstract patterns, and bizarre flowing textures. C saw something that looked like fishnet stockings with eyeballs emerging from them. <br> <br> 2:15: C looks like he might fall over. He tells me he needs to lay down. He asks me to get him a blanket, so I run into the other room and grab my familiar black, red and blue quilt. C covers himself, saying 'I think I just need to go with this.' He closes his eyes, pulls the blanket over his head, turns on his music player and slips away into his own universe... <br> <br> 2:30: The substance peaks, and we are both awestruck. A great and terrifying realization is dawning on us. It feels like we are waking up to a greater truth. A truth that is extremely difficult to accept. <br> <br> ------------------------------ <br> ---------------------- <br> ------------------ <br> ----------- <br> ---- <br> ~ <br> <br> <br> .....there are no timelines after this. There was no measurable time to make them out of. Only an eternity of awe. Awe, in a word, was the predominant effect of this drug. Why was a mature, intelligent graduate student grimly curled into a ball on the couch as hours slipped by? Awe. Why did I stare away for those same hours, never daring to say a word? I was in awe! There was a problem with communication from this point on. I wanted to define the event that was unfolding, as if to assign limits to its limitlessness. But most of my attempts at articulation got muddled. It seemed like I was caught in an infinite riddle that threatened to destroy my thoughts as soon as they formed. <br> <br> Sometime after four, we broke our silence. Talking seemed a little awkward, almost forced. Each of us understood what the other was going through, but neither of us could really express it. C told me he understands how a substance like this is not addictive... because it is euphoric, but also very difficult. We talked about the pleasure, how it had gone so far overboard that it was difficult to endure. The chemical-induced joy was unlike anything we had ever felt before. We vacillated between wanting to embrace it, and hoping it would just end. C had on-and-off discomfort in his lower digestive track and frequently needed to urinate. He never got nauseous, though. He lost himself for hours at a time just listening to music in the darkness. Later he told me he felt extreme empathy and connection for all kinds of music. With every song he played, it felt like he was right on stage, hearing the band live. With every word and sentence that the singers spoke, he felt like he could understand *exactly* what they meant, on a deeper level than ever before. <br> <br> We listened to a lot of music. Sometimes together, other times each on our own. It was always a delicate matter. The impact of the songs chosen was enormous, so there was no room for anything agitating. At one point I pulled C out from under his blanket and asked him what kind of music he was listening to. He explained that it wasn’t really music, but a lifeline to keep him connected to reality. I agreed. I went back to my own playlist, and picked my lifelines very carefully. <br> <br> At about Five my girlfriend got back home. She will soon be quitting this awful job that's got her working on the weekends, but they had called her in to do something from noon to five. I left the study to say hello to her. C was still in the other room, laying under his blanket in a state of rapture. She knew that C and I would be taking acid today but she had no idea what kind of an experience we were emerged in. “Your pupils are dilated,” she said innocently. “It’s an intense day,” I explained. I took her by the arm and walked over to the couch to sit down. I had her tell me how her day had been for a few minutes, not wanting to comment on mine at such a critical time. There was a separation between us. C and I were locked into something that she could not begin to understand. It was difficult to connect with someone who was not drenched in the same energies as me, surviving the same situation. <br> <br> Before I walked back out into the study, I stopped to look at the painting on our living room wall… not a print, but an actual painting from a little-known artist. It is a portrait of a French woman on a bicycle, with her arms in the air. The bicycle is perched upon the moon, and a dark blue sky is cast behind them. The blue crept with depth and emotion, the woman's face looking uncannily real. I could empathize with the character, feeling for all her rippling details. Maybe the lady who jumps with joy while lost in outer space could understand a situation like mine. <br> <br> For the first half of our LSD experience, the mere concept of eating was unthinkable. Food became just a series of interestingly textured objects: strange things to be stared at but not consumed. We stayed well-hydrated all day, me drinking an endless stream of sodas while C stuck to bottled water. It was well past six when we finally managed to drag ourselves into the kitchen and swallow something solid. I had a couple of toaster pastries and a pork dish, and C baked a barbecued chicken pizza. He ate two slices of it while I went through half a bowl of pork… both of us talking about how good the food tasted and how glad we were to be able to eat again. Then C put the remainder of a pizza slice down, proclaiming “Jesus, now I’m not hungry anymore!” A mutual wave of physical intensity had pushed to the surface in both of us. I started to feel uncomfortable about the meat I had just eaten and could not finish my meal. <br> <br> The concept of time became tougher to comprehend as the substance droned on in never-ending waves. How many times did we lose ourselves in a dream for an hour or three, sitting in music or silence, waiting for the energy to pass? Was it at Nine when we first started thinking the symptoms might be fading away, only to feel the energy rise back to the surface again at Nine-Thirty? It died down the same way it came on: In a complex series of layers that unfolded gradually. It seemed to be gone many times only to rise back to the surface, but each time it was resurrected one shade weaker than before. Was it the sixth time that it left when it finally stayed away? The ninth time? The fourteenth? Who could say. I was still affected by it even at midnight. C said he still had effects fourteen hours after dosing. <br> <br> So how did this end? C went home a little past 11:00. His girlfriend drove by and picked him up. He left looking almost as shocked as he had looked at 2:30, and he told me it would take several days to completely process this. Afterwards, I recouped with my girlfriend. At first I couldn't talk directly about what had just transpired. I just wanted her to hold me close. Eventually I broke in by asking her, 'What do you think a spiritual experience is? What do those two words, 'spiritual experience', mean to you... how would you describe it? How do you define it?' <br> <br> I had her tell me specific examples of times in her life when she felt that she had undergone spiritual growth, or felt a closeness with God. I asked her what the spirit meant to her. And finally, I explained that I had just had a spiritual experience of my own. I compared it to the times in my life when something had happened that forced me to change and grow. The times when something great or terrible occurred that shocked me so utterly, that I could not even function for days afterwards. It's after a shock that we discover who we really are. I cried. I told my girlfriend how gracious I was to be alive. How thankful I was for yesterday, today, and tomorrow. <br> <br> The awed silence that C and I experienced, coupled with that penultimate sensation of throbbing bone-deep euphoria to the point of bitter frustration, this was comparable not only to a shocking experience that induces spiritual growth. It was also comparable to being in the direct presence of a higher power. Imagine the feeling of waiting your entire life to ask God a few important questions. Then one day he appears before you, and he is so strange, so powerful and so beautiful, that you can't even dare to open your mouth. You can only stare in awe, knowing that the answers do not matter. That is a lot like the feeling I got from the energy of lysergic acid coursing through my flesh and blood into my soul. I was in the presence of something so much bigger than myself that I could only bow down in quiet appreciation, hoping not to disgrace the holiness of the moment. <br> <br> LSD is more than just a psychedelic. It carries the powers of many different classes of drugs in the space of a tiny droplet. I could feel it in my soul, and I will never again doubt that the spirit is real. Lady Delysid... you are boundless! <br> <br> <!-- erodrops011 --><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 69999</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 23, 2008</td><td>Views: 48,215</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=69999&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=69999&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Mystical Experiences (9), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 bowl</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">115 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Background info: <br> I am a 16-year-old girl, and I've had some experience with drugs. I'm a pretty big pothead, but I also drink, and do some other drugs (not very often). Prior to this, I've done DXM, shrooms, salvia and LSD. This was the 3rd time I'd done acid. My mood was pretty good, as I was looking forward to tripping that night, and the setting was my friend A's house. I'm very comfortable in A's house, because I'd been partying there once a week for the past year. I can't put it into words, but her house is very trippy (not colorful like an acid trip that left itself on the wall, but everything there was really interesting whether I was sober, drunk, stoned or tripping). I didn't say what time anything happened at, because I can't tell time on acid. <br> <br> Me and my friend A (who's never done acid before) dropped at 8:00, right after eating dinner (we ate first because eating on acid makes me feel sick). We each took one hit, but mine was an edge (bigger hit) and hers was a middle piece. We put on a movie and smoked a bowl while we waited for it to kick in. About halfway through the movie, neither of us could sit still, so we turned it off. Just like the previous times I had done LSD, I felt uncomfortably energetic. My heart was racing and I kept tapping my feet on the floor. It felt like a *really* strong weed high, but without being retarded and lazy. It felt like a combination of a lot of weed and Ritalin. I also had a very chemical feeling. I can't really describe it, but I had this feeling in my mouth and nose that I only get when I'm on acid, that just feels like your head is infested with a chemical. We decided to go for a walk, so we got our coats and shoes on, but as soon as we stepped outside, we remembered that it was 20 degrees and snowing, so we stayed inside. <br> <br> I wasn't experiencing any nausea like the other times I'd dropped acid, so I drank a glass of water, which felt really nice after smoking all that weed. I couldn't stop laughing at stupid stuff like getting dirt on my hands. My pupils were huge. I was starting to see tracers. When I waved my hand back and forth, it looked like it was a slow-motion movie. Everything looked really cool, but the same. Physically, it looked the same, but I perceived it differently. The plants in her house looked like normal plants, but to me they felt like a jungle. <br> <br> We both still felt really uncomfortable, because we had so much energy, and it was too cold to go outside, so we went to her room to smoke a cigarette, which didn't help at all. She has a big colorful mural on her wall, and the paint looked wet. There were big drops of wet paint on the wall, and they were mixing with the other colors. Edges of things were not clearly defined, and everything seemed to kind of flow together. I kept touching the wall, expecting the wet paint to come off on my hand, but it didn't. A was feeling kind of disappointed, because she wasn't tripping as hard as me (this probably had to do with the fact that her hit was a lot smaller than mine, and she'd never done acid before, so she didn't quite know what to expect. I think she was expecting to see random shit out of the blue that wasn't there, but acid isn't like that). <br> <br> Any feelings and emotions that I had were very intense. Anything I thought about came with some kind of feeling (both physical and emotional). If A did something that annoyed me, it really really pissed me off, and I physically felt annoyed (I can't really describe this, as I don't quite understand it myself). If I saw something that made me happy, I was completely overjoyed. Music felt like it was part of me, instead of just something to listen to. <br> <br> We were getting sick of staring at the walls and floor, so we started to look around at other things in her room. We turned on the black light, and I went online to look at trippy pictures. She thought they were really cool. I was having trouble changing the music that was playing on the computer, and the whole concept of using the mouse wasn't making sense to me. When I'm on acid, certain concepts really confuse me. Money, books, time, drug dealing and computers don't make sense to me. I was having trouble understanding that I had to move the mouse to make the cursor move (I am pretty smart when it comes to computers normally). <br> <br> A was staring at herself in the mirror, and she kept covering her face and tweaking out. I noticed this, and told her to stop looking in the mirror, so she covered it, and we decided to explore the rest of the house. Everything was *really* cool. There were fractal patterns on a lot of things, and a lot of things were breathing. Lights all had an aura to them, and it was like a dream world almost. Normal things like light switches, and tablecloths had some other crazy meaning behind it. I kept thinking of analogies and relationships between ordinary things. The light switch was just a symbol for the light, and the tablecloth was like some kind of mask for covering up the table's true self. <br> <br> Now that we were really tripping, we decided to try going outside again. This time we didn't even bother with coats and shoes. We were so anxious to get outside that we just walked right out the door barefoot in the snow, and we didn't care either. We just looked up at the sky and all A could say was 'I think I wanna be an acid head just so I can look at the sky!' The stars were glittering, and twinkling, and they were all different colors. There were shooting stars everywhere that looked like they were painted on there, and the trees were dancing at the edges of the sky. The snow was so beautiful and white, that it felt like daytime, and the fresh air felt so nice in my lungs. The open-ness of outside felt so amazing. We stood there for about five minutes until our feet were numb, and then we went back inside. <br> <br> We smoked another cigarette, and then A's housemate wanted to show us this book of really trippy art by this artist that put hidden penises in his artwork. Some of it was really sick and disturbing, but visually, it was really really cool. A and me were sitting next to each other with the book across both our laps, but we couldn't share it. She kept turning the pages in order, stopping at each page for a long time to stare at the picture, but I was too impatient to look at one page. I kept trying to turn the pages, because I was so excited by the pictures that would come next. I kept turning the book upside down so that I could look at the page on the other side, and then we would forget which way we were going and turn the pages backwards. I felt like the book was just a whole different book (I know this doesn't make any sense). <br> <br> We smoked some weed, and the A's housemate wanted to go to bed, so we went downstairs to make our own art. A started drawing a trippy picture and I started pressing some different colored modeling clay onto a piece of paper. I smeared all the different colors together, and I picked up the paper and started bending it. It was really fucking cool. By this time, I was definitely coming down, but playing with colors (modeling clay) was still the coolest thing I'd ever done. I could pick them up, smear them around, mold them into 3D sculptures and then mush them all together. I spent what felt like 3 hours playing with modeling clay. <br> <br> At about 3:00 we decided to try and go to bed, which was not easy. My brain felt really awake, but my body was tired. We tried to smoke ourselves to sleep, but it didn't help much. We smoked bowl after bowl, and then we switched to cigarettes. <br> <br> Finally we got to sleep, and we drank massive amounts of coffee in the morning. My pupils were still dilated and I still had the feeling in my mouth and nose that I only feel when I'm tripping. I could vaguely see fractals if I closed my eyes for long enough, or when I smoked weed. <br> <br> I have never had an actual flashback from acid, but I can definitely feel it still in my system sometimes. I have only done it 3 times, but weeks later, I can still feel that chemical feeling in my mouth sometimes. When I smoke weed, I can shut my eyes and see fractal patterns. Definitely a positive experience.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 29094</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 21, 2006</td><td>Views: 52,066</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=29094&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=29094&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 lines</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/cocaine/">Cocaine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.6 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">105 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> The following is a recount of my experiences on the night of 2/12/08 and the subsequent morning. While I remember most of the night in vivid detail, I include only parts of the trip here for the sake of brevity. <br> <br> It was a boring Tuesday night and my friends S__ and J__ and I were hanging out in my dorm room feeding off of each other’s depression. Our first mistake was in deciding that cocaine would cure our ills. At around 7:00PM we began our yip-fest and over the next 30 to 45 minutes finished what J__ had with him, probably around 1.5 grams. After smoking lots of cigarettes, conversing at a mile a minute, and blasting hard techno on my sound system for a bit, we returned once again to the subject of our boring lives and more pertinent, the prospect of our quickly worsening Tuesday night. <br> <br> Out of coke and about to come down, we searched for other drugs to stave off the crash; <br> ordinarily we would have gotten drunk, but once the conversation moved to the 8 hits of notably strong LSD in my freezer, I knew there was no turning back. Still high on coke, we made the executive decision to split the 8 strip of thick white blotter paper between the three of us (2 and 2/3 hits each) and thus began our trip at about 8:00PM. <br> <br> I suggested that we begin the come-up in the dark to the cliché yet exquisite sounds of dark side of the moon and thus began the spiritual journey. At the time, I had taken LSD in between 30 and 40 times, often several hits at once, but had never tripped as hard as I did then. I suspect now that the paper we ate that fateful night was more potent than the stuff I was used to, which combined with the quantity set me up for failure. I can usually detect the bright fuzzy colors and stomach-swelling of a come up around 30-40 minutes after I have dosed, but this time I experienced a sickening distortion in the pit of my gut halfway through ‘on the run’ only 15-20 minutes after taking the hits. <br> <br> We turned the lights back on and agreed that the trip was unexpectedly intense and that we would be in for a long night. After realizing that by taking the elevator, we would risk riding with sober people, we elected to take the 15 flights of stairs down to street level. Upon breaking out into the open, I remembered that New York was at the time amidst a blizzard, and we stared around in mildly apprehensive bewilderment at the chaotic scene of downtown Manhattan. After briefly attempting to light a cigarette, I threw it to the ground and closed my eyes overcome with the intensity of the body high. I looked up to the black sky as a thick ethereal breeze engulfed my body and swirled around me, then back at my friends as our gazes met, all slack jawed, our bodies awkwardly rigid. <br> <br> We realized that negotiating with the security in my building for every cigarette break or adventure would be impossible and that we would have to relocate our trip. Considering the hostile outdoor environment, we decided to hike to the apartment of one of J__’s friends, M__. The 10 block excursion was nerve wracking but amazing. We all concurred that we had never tripped close to that hard and that we were uneasy about the prospect of being in that state all night. We arrived at the apartment but were told that we had to leave for an hour because our host would be busy with something personal. <br> <br> It was as we left that I became aware that something was amiss with my mental state and ability to function adequately. In attempting to explain the ground breaking conclusions I was reaching with every passing second, my friends stared at me blankly or laughed. I realized that once an idea crossed the boundary between thought and words, it completely fell apart and made no rational sense to others. The result was that I would begin to explain something but stop mid sentence after either realizing its lack of coherency or forgetting what I was talking about. <br> <br> We settled down in the warmth of a subway station on a wooden bench and gawked at the aliens making their way to and fro for a small while, and then set about determining the time that had passed. All three of us were quite uneasy about being in public and couldn’t wait to return to the warmth and seclusion of M__’s apartment. I was aware of the phenomenon of being slightly confused and spacey while tripping, but we were hopeless. I determined that our two primary goals were to one, figure out what time it was, and two, figure out what time we had left the apartment. But this was no use; we were so distracted that we struggled with the concept for what must have been close to 20 minutes before giving up and venturing outside once again. <br> <br> After standing soaking wet in the snow and mind-numbing winds and intermittently grappling with the confusion of a phone conversation with M__, our ticket out of the frosty hell, we made it back to the apartment on time. I had a briefly terrifying moment before going inside in which I convinced myself that another tenant of the building had called the cops on account of our suspiciously psychotic behavior loitering by the doorway. As a result, I took off and booked it down the street chased by swirling blue and red lights and sirens before my friends caught up with me and dragged me out of my delusion and back into the building. <br> <br> I was so thankful to be inside that I lay face-down on the floor for a while enjoying the ripples of energy coursing through the wood and the explosions of color inside my eyelids. We conversed for a bit but the more time I spent thinking, the less I could speak. I would sit in the corner and become immersed in someone’s conversation, forgetting my physical existence completely. I would often misinterpret and twist the subject of someone’s discussion to be that of some unexplained grave danger that we were in, like when I thought the cops were chasing us. I asked everyone in the room several times, “is it serious?” after greatly misjudging the severity of a look of disappointment or frustration on someone’s face. <br> <br> I was startled when M__, our babysitter asked me if I was ok, because up to that point I had assumed my state was no worse than that of my friends. This experience became the spawn of a rain of doubt regarding my sanity. Only a minute or so of deep thought after this statement, she opened her mouth to speak to me again but her voice slowed and then sped up as if being scratched on a record, rendering her words then, and all speech thereafter, completely unintelligible to me. This freaked me out beyond belief as I had never experienced hallucinations of this severity, so I stood up abruptly and looked around to see how my friends were reacting to the craziness, but was met only with concerned stares. <br> <br> As my subconscious raged forward, dragging me from thought to thought with uncontrollable speed, I found myself getting so caught up in my own hypothetical situations that I lost track of which ‘reality’ was accurate and which were just my wandering guesses as to what could happen. In an attempt to back-track along my rapid chain reaction of delusions to reality, I just became more lost in my brain’s muddled theories—all of my senses completely consumed by each hallucination. My world of suppositions manifested itself visually as a sort of ‘electric sheep’-esque jumble of neon lines, ever twisting and morphing 3-dimensionally with new branches of possible scenarios multiplying by the millions, each fading in and out super-imposed over the others. <br> <br> I very quickly deduced that I had gone mad. I thought that insanity was just a jolt slightly out of one’s native reality; this offset forced me to float endlessly along the infinite rift never knowing quite which parallel reality was the real one, but always just one step behind. This idea fit in with the conception that whenever a decision is made, a new parallel universe spawns for each possibility. This results in a tree of absolutely unfathomable size of which our universe is only the end of one twig at any given point in time. I had always wondered about those who talk to imaginary people on the subway, and it all became clear that night. I thought I was a new member of the club and we would all share this disconnect from reality together. <br> <br> I had momentary visions of staring up from a stretcher and seeing my parents leaning over me, silhouetted by the bright hospital lights. I assumed that I would only have these momentary glimpses of my original reality but would be mostly trapped in my dysfunctional brain for the rest of my life. I saw a masked doctor with thin spectacles approaching my face with a long thin glass tube and I gagged as he forced it down my throat. I was blinded as the world filled up with brilliant white light and multicolored stars arcing over my field of vision, and my ears began to ring as the volume of my roaring auditory hallucinations peaked. I felt like sobbing but could not make a sound, I had let my family down—I took too many drugs and now it was too late—I would never see them again. <br> <br> Evidently, my two tripping companions were so freaked out that they tried to call 911, but were fortunately dissuaded by our host, who had seen the effect before and knew that time was the only cure. In retrospect, a trip to the local emergency room would not have helped things. They held my hands and called to me trying to catch my wandering gaze, but I just stared off into the cosmos, my head wobbling slightly. I proceeded to spend the next few hours navigating my alien planet trying to find a way out, whilst my friends periodically beckoned to me in vain staring in to my (un)seeing eyes. <br> <br> After a while, I reasoned that I was, and always had been, a single consciousness separate from or devoid of all senses—a brain in a jar, and thus effectively alone in the universe. I thought that because I had discovered this sickening truth, I could never forget and go back. I felt my stomach drop upon the realization that all of my friends and family had always been simply creations of my own disturbed mentality, but even more so that I would be alone for all of eternity with only my thoughts to accompany me. My friends tell me that I staggered around the room while moving my arms as if climbing through a dense jungle, and made futuristic spacey sounds with my mouth which I perceived then to be the noise of passing fluidly between thousands of layers of realities. <br> <br> From the outside, I was apparently speaking gibberish under my breath and roaming around the room agitatedly. But on the inside, I was walking around what I believed to be my own imagination staring with longing sadness at the ideas that I had mistaken to be my friends all my life. As I had aged, my brain fashioned a different interpretation for every concept that I learned, each experience and companion becoming a stepping stone in what I perceived to be the story of my life. Unfortunately, that day my compounded knowledge was finally broad enough to allow me to realize the gravity of the situation, and I would have to live with this reality for all of eternity. <br> <br> I thought back on all the memories I had amassed laughing, playing, and arguing with friends with a mixture of longing grief and horrifying revulsion. The truth was too much; I thought about how I had taken my reality-based life for granted dreading only petty grievances but had never even come close to guessing the severity of my fate. Fairly early on this nightmare, I completely forgot that LSD was at all involved as I was for some reason completely convinced and thus consumed by the anguish of meeting my grim fate. This almost immediate irrational loss of hope could probably be explained by the come down from the coke. <br> <br> After about an hour and a half, some more friends were invited over and started drinking. My friends tell me that I interacted vaguely with the inebriated newcomers staring blankly or pointing and mumbling to myself. I remember wishing so intensely for the end of my terrifying trip that I tried to terminate my life, realizing to my dismay that a being cannot manipulate its own tangible existence if it has no physical ties to reality. While I was sitting on the couch, my friend handed me a cup of water but I tried to dive into it hoping it to be a portal out of my insanity. In reality, I just pressed my hands together pointing into the cup as if to dive into it, and spilled it all over myself and the bed I was sitting on. A couple people thought I had pissed myself but after relocating me to the floor and smelling the sheets, they deduced that it was just water from the cup. <br> <br> I also became very hot and restless as I had been constantly clenching my muscles in torment, so I attempted to walk through my clothes, which seemed reasonable at the time. In reality, however, I just pulled and twisted at my clothes for about 20 minutes until I managed to get my jacket, hoodie, and shirt off. I then sat half-naked on the couch staring into space and sporadically burying my face in my hands and the armrest. My experience here was a strange and seemingly random fluctuation from extreme euphoria more intense than even any roll I have ever had, and unexplained mental agony more intense and horrible than anything I had ever experienced. I believe this to be the deepest part of the trip as my malfunctioning cortex reached a peak of chaos and misfiring neurons. <br> <br> By far the worst part of the trip, this odd split-second oscillation lasted for what seemed to be an eternity while I frantically grappled with my quickly scarring brain trying anything that I thought might have even a remote chance of alleviating my state. Retrospectively, one of the scariest aspects of my night is that I knew I would give anything to die, and could have seriously hurt myself or worse. Believing that I had been not only myself but everyone else in my life growing up, I thought that regaining a sense of identity might help. I was surprised and momentarily calmed to read familiar names in the contact list of my phone after taking it out of my pocket, and put the device in my mouth in a desperate attempt to consume this pleasing reality. <br> <br> Searching for patterns in the fluctuations, I thought for a bit that subject of my thoughts had an obscure and twisted relationship with the state of my mood and tried to figure out the nature of the pattern. I passed rapidly over random concepts and words in my mind and spoke them aloud in order to try and instigate a mental reaction, stopping briefly on obscure and sweeping concepts that seemed to resonate such as three, life, music, love, and god. The only consistent correlation I found, however, was between focused thinking and better mental stability. I found that if I gave up and let go, my subconscious was allowed complete control of my focus sending me spiraling through a vortex of bizarre and disturbing images and thoughts, while if I made a significant effort to focus my energy on a rational idea or memory desperately staving off distraction, I was more calm and level-headed. This balance was manifested visually as a slippery balance beam that I was charged to walk along, weary though I was, without sliding down the sharp slopes into the infinite abyss on either side; it is reminiscent of grinding a rail in Tony Hawk. <br> <br> After about five total hours of feverish schizo-hell, to everyone’s surprise and relief, I managed to blurt out in comprehensible English that I was going to go home. Intending to rush to the dorms before I lost my sense of reality once again, I opened the apartment door and stumbled down the stairs of the building outside into the cold. S__, who lived in my dorm as well pulled on his shoes and took off in hot pursuit, believing me to be the victim of some terrifying delusion that might chase me in front of a speeding taxi or into a couple of cops. I slowed to a brisk walk and he caught up. <br> <br> I said “man I feel like I just woke up” twice but otherwise, we finished the 25 minute walk in silence trudging through the icy sludge. For the duration of the walk I assumed the worst, expecting not to reach my dorms on account of not being back in reality yet. <br> <br> He asked if I wanted to make some pasta as we entered the elevator in our building, but I responded that I wasn’t hungry and really just needed to pass out. Before departing at his floor, I told him that I would be curious to find out his side of the story the next morning and that I would divulge mine as well. I was confused when I came to realize that I was definitely in reality because I couldn’t remember a clear-cut point at which I came back. I just knew that I was gone, and then I noticed that I was back, so a large part of what I had assumed to be delusion could have actually been real. <br> <br> Surprisingly, though I was still tripping, I had little trouble falling into a light restless sleep, probably on account of my extreme fatigue. About four hours later, I woke up to my alarm and had to go to physics class. I felt displaced and uncomfortable all day as if I was still not totally sure I was in the correct parallel universe, and had great difficulty communicating with my friends normally. <br> <br> A mild after-image of this feeling stuck with me for about a month before it faded to a mostly unnoticeable level. I also had nightmares for several weeks and was worried for a while that my brain had been permanently damaged. I made several mistakes that night and consider it without doubt to be the worst night of my life, but at the same time value the things I learned about myself greatly. If confronted with those decisions again, I would definitely act differently, however I do not regret the night as I feel it shaped a part of who I am now. I was humbled by the experience and treat drugs differently now. I value my sanity and embrace life knowing that it was just a nightmare. I treat others differently as my ability to empathize was greatly augmented when I perceived all others to be part of my own consciousness. <br> <br> Not to be pious or cliché, but I realize more now that everything is a matter of perception; if one experiences what he/she believes to be absolute fact, there is always another angle from which there is a different and equally valid truth. <br> I tried one hit of acid five weeks later and found it to be a stressful situation not worth the trouble. I had to concentrate heavily to hold on to reality and even lost it for about 30 minutes 2 or three hours into the trip before I was able to grab hold again. I have decided that I have reached my threshold and can therefore no longer enjoy tripping on acid. <br> <br> In addition, I consider LSD to now be a danger to my mental health and will not do it again. I am disappointed greatly because of my prior love of the drug, but am content with the fact that I am probably better off without its presence in my life. I would recommend nothing but extreme moderation with regard to LSD. Before this trip, I had countless wonderful and enlightening experiences with acid and I thought I knew its power. I had even seen other people go ‘round the bend, but assumed naïvely that I was above all that. At this point in time, two of my friends have had similar experiences and cannot enjoy acid anymore either. The chemical has perplexed scientists for decades with its unpredictability and extreme potency, and it has been suggested that it can push people with a possible predisposition over the edge into permanent schizophrenia. <br> <br> I consider myself lucky to be ok now, because by the time you find out that you have a schizoid predisposition, it may be too late. My dad’s half-sister died in a mental institution, and it is believed that she was thrown into schizophrenia by LSD use. <br> From my personal experience with LSD, I would suggest that one of the only ways to keep one grounded in reality is to keep his/her mind working. If you or a friend is slipping away, thinking and most importantly conversing with others actively can be very effective. <br> <br> I have tried mushrooms and MDA in moderate doses since without any sort of schizophrenic psychosis. I believe LSD itself to be my problem, not tripping.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 70185</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jun 4, 2009</td><td>Views: 77,950</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=70185&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=70185&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Post Trip Problems (8), Overdose (29), Bad Trips (6), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gas)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I have quite probably taken more Nitrous (at least in Whippit form) than anyone else alive. So I feel compelled to share with all of you - my experience. <br> <br> Excessive Nirous Oxide abuse can cause permanent irreversible brain damage. I am Patient Zero, so please, everyone, read this all the way. If I had been fortunate enough to read what I am about to write, 30 years ago, my life would be very, very different. I could just post the facts, but if you will walk with me through my life, you need never run the risk of having what happened to me, happen to you. If you are a serious Nitrous user, reading this could help save your life. It's going to be quite long - but it is important to me to paint the whole picture. I also hope that it might prove entertaining - and some of you might recognize yourselves in the narrative - and those who feel a sympathy with my feelings - those who relate to my expression and understanding - those who think yes, Yes, YES!! are the ones who need to read this the most - as you are in the greatest danger - or could be if you are not careful. I am being honest about some stuff that I have hidden from others all my life - some of it is quite embarrassing - but I choose to share the humourous aspect with you all. I can't be the *only* lunatic in the world. <br> <br> This is *not* an anti-Nitrous post. This is information that has only recently become available. Personally I wish our atmosphere was Oxygen and Nitrous Oxide instead of Oxygen and Nitrogen. So without further ado... <br> <br> The tale begins in the dentists chair. I was 9 years old. I had never taken any drugs, and was not looking to at the time. But I had a phobia about dental work, and the new dentist told me that he would give me 'laughing gas', and it would remove my fear. So he attached the mask to my nose and told me to breathe normally. After about 20 seconds I began to feel a tingle, quite pleasant, which was getting stronger with each passing second. The dentist asked me if I could feel the gas yet - and a drug addict was born. I told him 'No, I don't feel anything', so he turned it up. By now I was really starting to feel *amazing* - it was fantastic. But it was more than just tingles and physical well being. Even though I was only 9, I started seeing patterns - in everything - a deeper connection - set of connections - a lattice that embraced reality, but which had a meaning - a message - beneath the surface - something *important*. The dentist asked me once more if I felt the gas. I told him that it was starting to take effect, but was not very strong - despite the fact that I could barely string the sentence together - as I wanted him to turn it up even more - which he did. The last thing I remember hearing was the dentist saying to the nurse, 'This one likes to fly high'. <br> <br> From that moment, I knew that I had to obtain Nitrous Oxide again at some point. I had imaginings of listening to music while feeling that way and how awesome it would be (and I was right, of course). It stuck there - in my memory - unforgettable - I was 9 - and I no longer saw the universe the way that I had before. <br> <br> Jump ahead 11 years. I'm 20, and I found acid about six months earlier. I'm in Amsterdam, having left South Africa to avoid military service. I'm a musician and making a living playing street music. We're on acid all the time, taking larger and larger doses each time. It's classic. I'm the messiah and I'm going to save the world by turning everyone onto LSD. I'm Ken Kesey, I'm Ram Dass, I'm Neal Cassidy driving the bus to the next Acid Test. I'm on a mission. I have found the ultimate truth, and I believe that I have the ability to express it. It's straight out of the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. I am The Merry Prankster - doing ever increasing doses of LSD because I believe that there is a reality behind this one, and I am going to evolve and become a transformed being - a metamorphosized, evolutionised, mental telepathical Guru. I even have a following. There are 5 of us - and I am the leader. I'm the fucking chosen one. This is why I am alive - this is why I exist - I am the new Messiah!@! <br> <br> It's funny looking back on it now - a bit embarrassing (OK - a lot) - and I have never told *anyone* about this before - like who would admit this shit - but it's important to paint the whole picture. <br> <br> But LSD is not a beast to be tamed. Oh, I *believed* that I was in control of the acid - that *I* held the reigns. I had become its master, and its servant. But I was treating it disrespectfully - and when you do that, the Acid inevitable turns around and slaps you down a peg or two. In my case it was all the way down from my lofty delusions of grandeur, to a smear on the roadside. A new acid had come out - called simply 'Mandala' (Amsterdam 1981). The dealer told me that it was not 'commercial' acid, a bit stronger. And to boot, a *half* a hit was a whole. I had been dropping between 5 and 10 at a time, and I did not assume that this half hit of new acid was going to top my multiple ingestions from the weeks before. <br> <br> But I learned that day that what I had been taking was not truly LSD - but a pale shadow of what *real* LSD is. All my research - all my dosing - nothing - had prepared me for what happened. It was *phenomenal* acid - I had never seen such colours - and it warped dimensions that I did not recognise anything around me. It was too much for downtown Amsterdam, so we all jumped on a tram, laughing uncontrollably all the way home. Once home it was even stronger, having really kicked in. I made a big hashish pipe and took a huge hit of really good Afgan hash. <br> <br> And then I completely lost my mind. <br> <br> I had to reconstruct it all afterward, with the help of my friends. There was a huge flash - and reality had shattered - literally. It was as though everything I had been seeing was made of glass - like a mirror, and the hashish exploded the acid so hard and fast, that I suffered a psychotic break. More to the point - from one moment to the next I had total amnesia. I was with my closest friends - a girl who had come over to Europe with me who was like my sister - I had known them all for years - but I recognized no-one. And I did not know who I was - or where I was (and I don't mean which town - I mean which *Universe*). I was a total blank - wiped clean - nothing left. I realized that I was bleeding - in my throat - it had turned to glass - and shattered - blood was everywhere, and my life started slipping away - I collapsed slowly to the floor - and died. <br> <br> However, a while later I appeared to be conscious. SO this was it - I was dead. This must then be the afterlife. A man walked up to me and looked at me curiously - and then said 'Are you OK?' But what I heard was 'A R E Y O U O K A Y' in a kind of deep Twilight Zone surrealism. Who *was* this person. If I was dead - perhaps he was me - a reflection of me - on the other side of the shattered mirror that was reality - so I said 'Who *are* you?' And he said to me 'You know who I am' - which I heard in a big boomy voice as 'Y O U K N O W W H O I A M!!!' The poor guy - he didn't have a clue what was going on - none of them had actually realized yet that I had quite literally lost my mind - all of it. So I deduced that if he were me - a kind of 'afterlife' version - that we would have the same mother as I - so in an attempt to confirm this I asked him 'who is your mother', to which he replied 'You know who my mother is...' which I heard as.... <br> <br> OK - you get the picture. I treated LSD as though it was something that I actually had control over - that I was bigger than Acid - that I was beyond a bad trip. I will end this part of the tale of this day here, but know that it took the rest of the day to reconstruct my *basic* ego - just knowing who and where I was. I still felt broken glass in my throat from where it had shattered when the 'mirror' shattered. I could no longer sing. When I tried I was overwhelmed by an abject terror, and shut down. It was weeks before I could sing again (which I needed to do to survive) - and I continued to have terrifying Flashbacks for the next 6 months. <br> <br> This was the most phenomenally life-changing experience of my entire life. I was afraid - afraid to do acid - I had been so humbled - so beaten - so kicked in the teeth - any 'normal' person would have just said 'That's it! Never again!!'. But I could not do that - live in fear the rest of my life, because i had experienced this overwhelming and incomprehensible annihilation of ego. I had to face my fear. I had to get back in the driver's seat - I had to understand what had happened in order to be whole again. And there was born a true and devout Acidhead - for life (still going strong). I needed to *understand* myself - how my brain worked - and LSD was the tool that had both damaged and which would repair me. <br> <br> The experience kind of put a crimp in my plan to save the world, as I realized that it was *completely* unethical to turn anyone on unless they truly desired to be turned on. It was a full year before in mid winter, Christmas time in Konstanz, Germany, that I did my next truly superb LSD - only this one was as soft as the other one had been hard - and finally - utterly high, I looked in the mirror and was no longer afraid. I finally had all of my mind back - and my fear was gone (but my respect has never faltered). <br> <br> And now the long awaited return to the topic of Nitrous Oxide. <br> <br> WHo would have thought - who would have guessed - that Nitrous Oxide - laughing gas - was used to make whipped cream. I found out from a young freakzoid heroin junkie in germany - that 'whippits' were Nitrous. Finally!! The 9 year old boy in me shouted in glee. I knew it. I knew I would find it again. And this time I was going to really get to know it. I remember buying the whipped cream machine, and a box of the cartriges - I remember my total excitement - my fear of disappointment - what if he was wrong? I wound in the first cartridge (neglecting of course to add the cream). I hyperventilated for a minute, breathed all the way out, and inhaled the entire contents. Within 5 to 10 seconds I recognized the feeling - my insides screamed in glee - and for the next minute my world was perfect. it was exactly as I had remembered it - only more so (I have since figured out through much experience that the reason that breathing Nitrous Oxide through a whipped cream syphon is so much stronger than from a tank is because it is *compressed* in the machine. It's like taking Methamphetamine instead of plain old Amphetamine. I also learned over time that I can load about 2 to 3 cartridges into the machine before breathing - and that the more compressed the gas, the more intense and powerful the rush). <br> <br> This is my encapsulated life story, so I have to jump to pivotal moments if I am going to keep your attention. Let's just say that over the course of the next year I did *hundreds* of boxes of Nitrous - maybe a thousand. And the more I explored the Nitrous reality the more sense it made - of everything. I was starting to feel that I understood the intrinsic nature of the universe - not just in the sense of thoughts - but in perceptions - understandings. There were times - and I am sure that most of you can relate - when I felt that for a moment I *truly* understood the universe - as it *really* was - and it was *so* simple - and funny - fucking hilarious!! I would experience the moment and crack up laughing uncontrollably - because I understood the core of the essence of God - the universe - matter, gravity, light, energy, quanta. <br> <br> But as we all know - the profundity of Nitrous is fleeting, and after the epiphony it fades so quickly that one can't quite remember what it was that one was thinking - and why it was so funny. This, I found to be the curse of Nitrous - to have this understanding - so plain and simple - even expressible in mere words - if I could find them - or once found, if I could not lose them. How, I wondered, can we extend this experience - make the come down slower so that it would be possible to bring back some of this universal intrinsic truth to the real world. <br> <br> On a beautiful summers day of 1982, I discovered the chemical synergy that I have affectionately referred to for the last 30 years as 'GASCID' - as in Gas and Acid = Gascid. And from that moment, my life changed almost as profoundly as the day I lost my mind - because it was the day that I found my answers - all of them. <br> <br> I had done some acid - not a lot - maybe half a hit. I was still very cautious, after my annihilation a year earlier, and the theory was twofold. If I did Nitrous right at the end of an acid trip - like 8 hours into it - when everything had resolved on the Acidic level, perhaps a) the Nitrous would boost the strength of the acid to give me a momentary high that was like 5 or 10 hits of *really* good acid - and b) that perhaps the acid, would help to extend the duration of the Nitrous, and give me a little more time to try and bring back some of the deeper essence of the experience. <br> <br> I was extremely careful. I'd lost my mind once already, and I was not keen on a second round. My first hit was miniscule. There was a very slight shift in my perceptions. I took a little more and felt the Nitrous very vaguely, but in a way like never before - and in a good way like I had never imagined. By the time I was on the last cartridge, I took the entire thing, and I experienced for the first time in my life, the Holy Realm that is Gascid. <br> <br> The world that is Gascid is a story unto itself with so many facets. I am not going to try and define any of the experiences right now - too much of a tangent. I became a student of Gascid. I had found what was - at least for me - *the* key that unlocks the doors to everything - and more importantly, it was the most exquisite experience that can be. It is heaven to me - a perfect state of being - the thing that we all at the core wish to experience - even once. <br> <br> I had found the key - a gateway - a wormhole to what has for me become not so much a drug synergy as an actual *place*. I devoted my life to this 'faith' of mine - and my quest was to bring back some of these truths, and to find a way to share them with others - which I did in fact accomplish. I have kind of built an environment that almost *guarantees* arriving at this place. There is technology involved - it's all very complicated. <br> <br> But this post is not about Gasid - it's about Nitrous, and the risks. <br> <br> Over the next 12 years, I did Gascid about 500 times (and we're talking full blown 4 hour experiences with like 10 boxes of Nitrous each time). It is my world - my reality - my Guru - my god - and myself. I have no doubts - no hesitation - no lack of understanding - and it just got better all the time, as I learned to 'pilot' this space/time/ship that I built over the course of those 12 years. <br> <br> I eventually left Europe and moved to Canada, got a new life and a new wife, and continued building and discovering. It was very hard at times. Terribly lonely. From my perspective I had found *the* answer. And what's more is I could pretty much prove it. And took a few select people on a trip around the universe. But it was *so* lonely. All I wanted to do was share what I had found. But very few people knew about Nitrous back then. I began to get adamant about finding proof - finding a way to bring back something significant enough that would *make* people take me seriously. I knew that if I told this all to a shrink that I would be labelled a schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur. But *I* knew that all a doubter had to do was come for a ride and see for himself. They would find their own truth - not mine - everyone has their own truth. All I had found was the medium in which to fairly reliably produce a very specific experience - and to be able to return and continue the thought - any time. <br> <br> I was frustrated. My wife was not too supportive of this - and I wanted her on my side, so I tried even harder to find some tangible evidence that the work that I was doing was valid - telepathy - psychokenesis - some small evolutionary step that would demonstrate that what I was doing was *valid* - and that I was not just another nutter who did too many psychedelics. <br> <br> This was the time that I almost completed my space/time/ship. It was an entire room, with a 'drivers seat' positioned in the middle - there were spinning wheels and stroboscopic lights - all synchronized to music - my own of course which was writted specifically to induce certain types of trance using light and sound to guide the subject on a 'solid' path. I was so *close* - but relations were getting strained with my wife, who thought that I was obsessed. She was right of course. I was. And why not? This was the most important thing in my life. It was the one thing in which I truly had unshakable faith. I *had* to find some evidence of the validity - I needed *support* on this - not criticism. I at least deserved a chance to demonstrate it to someone else - to have the years that I had invested validated by another fearless soul who was willing to walk through the gates of heaven and be embraced lovingly by the universe. <br> <br> And now we start to approach the moment of truth - the point - the reason that I have written everything that came before now. <br> <br> I am a scientist - not just a druggie. I don't just *take* drugs - I study them. I prepare myself, I am informed - I know the risks - I am *careful*. But this was before the Internet. The only knowledge that existed was in books - and almost no-one knew practically nothing about Nitrous. It had just slipped by - owing to the fact that it was legal - and a secret known by not a lot of people back then. According to Peter Staffords Psychedelic Encyclopedia at the time, Nitrous Oxide was a perfectly safe drug. There were two, and only two dangers. The first rule was - don't breathe directly from a tank - you can freeze your lungs. And the second rule was - don't tie a mask to your face, because if you fall unconscious, you will eventually die from lack of oxygen. That was it. Other than that - it was safe - they give it to *kids* for fuck sake. <br> <br> I don't know exactly when it went from genuine psycho-scientific-spiritual research to addiction - but it was marked by the fact that I started doing Nitrous without doing acid. I know myself - I'm an obsessive raging fucking maniac when it comes to drugs. I have no brakes. So I made a deal with myself many years before (after doing way too much Nitrous for way too long and having spent a small fortune on it) that I would *only* do Nitrous if I had done acid. I tried to keep it to once a month - but not always - I kept it at least to once a week. But I was so intent on finding my 'proof' - *quickly* - that I made an exception - just once. then again. and again. <br> <br> I really couldn't afford it, and I knew my wife would be pissed at me for wasting money - so I kept it to myself. After all, I was almost there. 12 years of exploration and design was finally going to come to fruition. I almost understood it all - I was so close. And the Nitrous would run out and I would go to the store and get more - and then be wracked with guilt over it. And suddenly I realized that I was addicted to Nitrous Oxide. They had said nothing about addiction in the books. But I had been doing it every day for about 6 weeks, maybe more - and had been doing it excessively before it became daily. And when it ran out I just could not cope. This was not a drug withdrawal like an opiate - this was madness incarnate. I could not *stand* being in my body - it was blindingly intense and wouldn't go away. <br> <br> The next weeks are only a vague memory - with scattered images and vague recollections. I could not afford to keep taking the Nitrous - but I could not survive stopping. I wanted to call out for help - but who the fuck would I talk to. There was no Internet - very few people knew about the recreational legality of Nitrous. I felt so stupid - how do I even begin to explain to someone that I inhale the whipped cream charges - they'd probably lock me up. So I had to stretch the Nitrous I had - breathe very, very little in between, hold my breath for minutes at a time. Not breathe - as much as possible. <br> <br> I was losing it. I knew that. I was starting to go crazy - even by my own standards - and those of you who have actually read this far can probably understand that I am a rather bizarre individual. I don't remember much of the last weeks. I felt like I was dying - slowly. My thoughts were scrambled - there were 'dark patches' in my consciousness. At one point I thought I might have been possessed. I had gone from what I considered to be a self-respecting scientist (of the whackiest of varieties) to a fucking loony. I was lost. <br> <br> I was doing a gig on Vancouver Island, sitting on the beach doing Nitrous all day long in tiny little gasps. The first night I noticed that I had lost the feeling in the tips of my fingers on my right hand. The next day, my left hand. By he time I got home, my hands and feet were numb. Two days later my entire body had no sensation, and I had completely lost my motor control. Then I was in the hospital - and the year that followed never became cemented in memory. <br> <br> People - Please pay attention - this is not a well-known fact. Not a lot of people have screwed up quite as badly as I did - and it's never been made public in a big way. <br> <br> The effect of Nitrous Oxide is *cumulative*. <span class="erowid-caution">[See <a href="/chemicals/nitrous/nitrous_health2.shtml">Nitrous & B-Vitamin Dangers</a>]</span> <br> <br> If I remove the mental, and psychological, and emotional horror that followed, I'll tell you that the physical sensations finally returned - as did my motor control. But the problem is that I had damaged my brain - and the signals that should have just reported to my cerebellum that I was in fact alive and moving, were mistransleted by my brain as Pain signals. In short - when my feeling returned, I was in unbearable pain - everywhere - non stop - every freaking day of my life for the last 14 years. <br> <br> I nearly commited suicide so many times. Not because of depression or sadness, but because I simply could not imagine waking up every day to *this* - suffering - and *nothing* to be done about it because it is not physical as such - it's neuropathic pain - and it did not heal - and there is no treatment. I have spent 14 years wishing to god that the internet had been around just a little earlier - because once it arrived I found another person who had done what I had done - and who had suffered identical damage. I only found this *two* years after the fact. <br> <br> I could describe my suffering over the last 14 years - but I hope that I have successfully illustrated my point through this post. Nitrous is *amazing*. Gascid is *everything* that I have said it is times a *million*. There was nothing wrong with my perceptions - only my obsession, and total lack of self restraint. I had my cake - and I was eating it - and I could have continued to be privvy to what I consider to be the best chemically induced experience that there is. I found heaven - and I was such a glutton that I destroyed it through my greed. <br> <br> I still believe *absolutely* in Nitrous - and particularly gascid. It is simply the best. Nothing is better - not even love. <br> <br> I am almost done. There are so many aspect of this story that I left out - because we're talking 15 odd years - hundreds, maybe thousands of *cases* of Nitrous (and about 750 hits of acid). All I wanted to do was share it with someone else. <br> <br> I have told only a handful of people about this - and I have never told the whole story at once. If even one of you reading this, ran the risk of making my mistake - and if this post at some future point helps to prevent that eventuality from becoming a reality, then exposing myself in this way will have been worth it. <br> <br> Please friends - be careful. If you ever find Heaven - take care of it. <br> <br> <!-- erodrops01 --><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1981-2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 79725</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 5, 2009</td><td>Views: 174,730</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=79725&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=79725&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Nitrous Oxide (40) : Alone (16), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Addiction & Habituation (10), Health Problems (27), Combinations (3)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 4:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 9:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">115 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> First, I have to apologize if this is incredibly long. I have a tendency to be rather verbose with this kind of thing. Here’s a bit of background: <br> <br> This was my first encounter with LSD, and though I've smoked a great quantity of pot, I’d say I’m only somewhat experienced in the world of drugs. I’ve taken mushrooms and MDA/MDMA 4 or 5 times each, and though I had some pretty troubling experiences with some of these, I have always felt that tripping has helped me for the better in whatever place I am in my life. My boyfriend of several years, who I will refer to as B, has been my partner in all of these tripping adventures. He is far more experienced with psychedelics than I. <br> <br> Nearly two years prior to this event, B acquired several hits of LSD from a friend, who referred to it as “24-hour acid” due to the rather extensive duration of the trip. Despite B’s repeated attempts to get me to take some over the past couple of years, I felt a bit too threatened by the idea of an acid trip lasting a full 24 hours, leaving it to sit unused in the back of our freezer. Last Monday, B’s birthday, I finally felt it was time. <br> <br> About two weeks prior to tripping, we decided that the three-day weekend we had planned would be a great time to dose, allowing us plenty of time to come back to reality before we had to return to our jobs, just in case the acid lived up to its name. This proved to be a very good idea. Being the somewhat neurotic individual I am, I stressed and agonized over my decision to trip for the full two weeks leading up to it. Was this the best time for me to take it? What if I have a bad trip? What if I can’t stop focusing on my breathing or my heart rate and I freak out? Will this cause me to go insane? Eventually, I realized that the more I thought about the possible negative outcomes of tripping, the more I was programming myself to have a bad experience. So, for the final two days before tripping, I did my best to shove my anxieties aside, and tried to picture in my mind what the best, most fun trip would look like. Looking back, this was vital to achieving the correct mind state. <br> <br> The day B and I dosed, we woke ourselves up at about 9:30am so that we’d have enough time to get ready leisurely, as well as get some food in our stomachs and pick up some fresh fruit before our planned dosing time of noon – if this stuff really lasted 24 hours, we figured, we’d better get started early. The following account states approximate times; I cannot be entirely sure of the order in which these events happened. <br> <br> T: 0.00 hrs: At about 12:45, B and I finally took the acid, each of us putting two hits on our tongue. At this point we decided to smoke a little pot, just to calm the butterflies I had in my stomach and to quell any potential nausea. B started to play a streaming lecture by philosopher Ken Wilber concerning the use of ethenogens in spiritual practice to give our trip an interesting starting point. Almost immediately I started noticing a change in my thought processes, though I recall wondering if it was a placebo effect. My thoughts began to associate with other things in my head more freely, in a manner I frequently experience while high. <br> <br> T: 0.20 hrs: The lecture is becoming too cerebral to follow. I can feel little rushes of energy up my legs and back, though it is minor. I suggest to B that we go for a walk outside and enjoy the fall foliage while we come up. Stepping outside, I’m amazed by the flowers in our apartment courtyard – how could I have never noticed what an amazing pattern the petals make? <br> <br> T: 0.40 hrs: Colors and patterns in nature have become really interesting, and B and I are feeling very talkative. I find myself noticing the grain in the wood on the telephone poles, the different colored chips of rock in the concrete sidewalk below our feet, the way the leaves arrange themselves on the tree branches. Walking feels comfortable; I feel like I could spend hours walking like this though the neighborhoods if I wanted to. <br> <br> T: 1.15 hrs: Nature is still fascinating, but no more so than it was an hour ago. I begin to wonder if keeping the acid in the freezer for so long has caused its potency to deteriorate. B and I aren’t feeling as talkative, but we are still very comfortable. I had been initially expecting the “coming up” period of LSD to be similar to mushrooms – an intense “rushing” sensation coupled with a strong desire to move around – but I find that this is not the case at all. “Is this all there is?” I wonder aloud to B. He’s convinced that we still have plenty more coming up to do. My thought processes are a little random, but still not much different than if I were stoned. <br> <br> T: 1.45 hrs: I can finally start to feel myself coming up more, though it feels like a pretty gradual process. B and I decide to start heading back home. Around this time, we walk though a little garden area full of exotic plants and flowers which someone has planted on a stretch of sidewalk between the street and a fence. It appears to us as a gateway to some kind of adventurous place. I start collecting little “treasures” from the ground: colorful autumn leaves, enticing flowers. I find the texture of a particular flower petal to be astounding. <br> <br> T: 2.00 hrs: While walking back home, we come across a squirrel eating a plum in a tree. We stand quietly and watch him for a while – his antics are hilarious. Nearby we discover a tree which has been decorated with a little door and various lawn ornaments. I decide that elves must live inside. <br> <br> T: 2:15 hrs: As we near our house, I suddenly start noticing smells very strongly. Car exhaust bothers me; I want to go back inside. Suddenly, I start coming up very quickly, and B decides to start playing some music once we’re in the house. We have a 200 gig library of music, yet finding something we enjoyed was tough. House music annoyed me, trance music annoyed me … for a while we listened to a few compilations from Jungle Sky Records, but we quickly decided that we needed something which we wouldn’t have to change and monitor constantly. It was time for Promised Land – the four-disc drum and bass compilation from Mutant Records that has seen B and I though nearly all of our trips. It’s really the perfect tripping music - interesting, and with a great beat, but calm and chill enough to keep anyone relaxed and stabilized. Occasionally my mind shifts to my body, how my pulse is heightened, how weird all the veins in my hands look. However, whenever this happens I just calmly remind myself that my body is doing a great job taking care of itself, and that there’s no need for me to interfere with it by being overly-conscious of my breathing and heart rate. I shift my attention to a piece of cool art on the wall or an awesome picture on the computer, and the concern passes. <br> <br> T: 3:00 hrs: I look at the large print of a rocky beach we have on our living room wall, and notice that the tide appears to be rapidly flowing in and out. The visuals have begun! Around this time B puts our computer (which uses our LCD television as a monitor) into screensaver mode, which is a slideshow of thousands of high-resolution nature pictures I’ve collected. The landscapes are simply captivating. For maybe the next 30 minutes, I experience some intermittent nausea, though I never come close to actually throwing up. Around this time I begin peaking and the day’s events get very blurry. The concept of time has begun to lose its meaning. <br> <br> B is feeling restless, and decides that we should play some video games. He turns on some tetris-like game he recently downloaded and hands me the controller, but I have great difficulty focusing on the game. The intense visuals I am now experiencing are very distracting, and they overlay my entire field of vision – spiraling, geometric shapes appear to burst out of the art on my walls, out of the patterns on the couch, out of the dots of paint on the ceiling, and these are far more entertaining to me than the video game. At some point, the visuals begin to change into paisley-like patterns. “Wow!” I announce. “All 70’s art makes sense!” It is plainly obvious to me at this time that the patterned art typical of that era is the direct result of LSD. Eventually B gets tired of playing the game by himself, and shuts it off, bringing us back to the nature slideshow. <br> <br> T: 4:00 hrs: For a long while, I simply laid on the couch staring at the walls and enjoying the visual show. Eventually I noticed a notebook of blank paper and a pen sitting on a side table. I pick it up with the full intention of drawing a masterpiece, despite my severely limited artistic abilities. I begin to draw some spirals, trying to capture the incredible visuals I’m experiencing, but the pen is hard to control. I wind up creating little messes of squiggly lines, which I find hilarious. I decide that one of them looks like an owl. At some point I try to write down a line of thought that had just occurred to me which I found extremely amusing; I scribble the words “My pants are a storybook / and an owl / but I might write myself out of them.” Acid humor is strange, indeed. <br> <br> T: 4:30 hrs: After a while I bore of drawing, and B suggests we smoke some pot. We both take a few hits and discover that we don’t notice any effects from it at all. We decide that smoking now is probably a waste, and that we should wait until we have come down a bit before attempting that again. Shortly after, I realize that I really have to urinate, despite the fact that I haven’t been drinking much at all. I stumble to the bathroom, and the whole experience is very confusing. I am thankful that my body remembers how to sit down and pee correctly, for this process is far too complicated for me to figure out on my own right now. As I stand to leave, I take a glance in the mirror – bad idea. My face looks like a mass of red dots, and I can see every pore in my skin magnified a thousand-fold. My pupils are enormous. After gawking at myself for a few minutes, I decide that the mirror is way too scary right now, and I plop back on the couch next to B to enjoy my visuals some more. <br> <br> T: 5:45 hrs: Looking back, I must have laid on the couch in quiet contemplation for quite a while, for the next thing I really remember is my roommate, who I will refer to as “G”, walking though the front door, just getting back from work. “Dude! This is SO different from mushrooms!” I recall shouting as he walked in. In his suit and tie, he reminded me of a cartoon pig somehow. I whispered this to B, who knew exactly what I was talking about. For some reason, everything G says and does is hilarious to me; I can’t stop giggling like a crazy person. A few minutes later, G came out of his bedroom with his shirt off. His mass of chest hair is very odd looking to me at this time. “Dude! Your chest is a vortex!!!” I announce. He demands to know “what the hell that is supposed to mean.” I find my statement so funny that I laugh about it for what seems like ten minutes. <br> <br> Conversing with the roommate has pulled me and B out of our contemplative state for a while, and we start walking around the house playing with things. By this time, Bear and I are both feeling pretty hungry, so Bear went to the kitchen to grab the container of fresh fruit he bought to munch on; he hands me a strawberry on a fork and I can’t figure out how to eat it. I recall that I bought some pretzel-type snacks the day before thinking I might find them appealing while tripping; I go to the kitchen and stuff a few in my mouth, chew a couple of times analyzing the texture, and promptly spit them out into the sink. Crunchy snacks are great when you’re stoned, I realize, but not appetizing in the least when this high. I down a glass of orange juice as a substitute for real food, but this only makes me hallucinate more. <br> <br> T: 6:30 hrs: I’m very surprised to find that I’m still tripping hard, as I expected to be coming down by 5:00 pm or so. In fact, I still can’t tell if I’m getting higher or not. I realize now that I will definitely be awake to see the sun rise. G is in the kitchen making dinner, and I decide to take another shot at eating. As I walk into the kitchen, a giant kiwi in a hanging fruit basket catches my eye. I pick it up and decide that it looks like a big hairy testicle. Hilarious! I decide that I definitely want to eat this hairy piece of fruit. I grab a bread knife to cut the kiwi, but quickly realize that although knives are hilarious, I probably shouldn’t be hilarious with knives. I hand the knife to G and ask him to cut it in half for me. “Just cut it in half? That’s all you want me to do with it?” he asks. I grab the kiwi half, stare at it for a second, and then smash the open side into my face and start laughing hysterically. G hands me a spoon to eat it with, but I don’t know what to do with it. I get fruit juice everywhere, and I crazily run to the bathroom to wipe my face off with a towel. Damn it, I can’t eat the kiwi either! I have failed on my quest to eat something. <br> <br> T: 7:45 hrs: G suggests we watch the movie The Big Lebowski. I think this sounds like a great idea, but B resists – the first time he saw this movie was coming up on acid, and it frustrated him because it was too confusing. Somehow I talk him into it, and we begin the movie. A preview for a claymation-style movie (I think Corpse Bride?) preceding the movie scares me a little – the faces of the characters appear to be melting off their skeletons. I remind myself that this is just some stupid preview, and not the actual movie, and this calms me down. As the movie begins, I find myself very entertained by the kitschy theme of the movie, and I simply love the neon-lit bowling alley and the cheesy music. This movie is far better on acid, I realize. Luckily, B thinks so too, and he isn’t bothered by the movie at all. I find myself strongly identifying with “The Dude” and his quest to get back his awesome, trippy rug. <br> <br> T: 9:00 hrs: About an hour into the movie, we pause to attempt smoking pot again despite how high we still feel. It still does nothing. <br> <br> T: 9:30 hrs: As the movie ends, B and I are as high as ever, but our roommate G decides to head off to bed. We resume the music and the wallpaper slideshow on the TV, and for the rest of the evening, B and I lay sprawled out on our living room couch in deep contemplation. Somewhere around 11 pm, as I lay on the couch staring at the gorgeous pictures, my mind wanders to random memories of my life. I recall a time when I was about eight years old, laying on the couch half-asleep under a fuzzy blanket in the wintertime, while my mom watched an old movie on television; is that moment really happening right now? Am I only dreaming about the day I took a walk and ate acid? It feels as if time is only an illusion, and all my memories are happening simultaneously. Was I tripping then, snuggled up on the couch when I was eight? Am I really tripping now? I decide that I love all my memories, that they are mine and only mine, but that they are a thing I posses, like lamp or a refrigerator. My memories are not what makes me up – what I am truly made of is timeless. This thought is very comforting to me. <br> <br> At another point, I begin to experience ego loss, and feel myself as other people in my life. I feel myself becoming B, seeing the world the way he does, and appreciating the magnitude of the love he has for me. I feel the events of his childhood, his estrangement from his parents, and how all of these things have colored his life. At this time he reports experiencing the same thing towards me, and we spend a good length of time gazing at one another and somehow communicating non-verbally, bonding on a very intimate level. <br> <br> Later I find myself extending this sense of becoming another towards my younger sister, to whom I am not very close; I see the struggles she has dealt with in her life, and feel a bit of sadness for her current circumstances. Then I feel myself become my mother, with whom I have had a difficult relationship through the past several years. I begin to intimately understand why she had acted the way she did, why she brought certain individuals into her life, and felt sympathy for her in the first time in years. I saw her struggling over the miscarriage she had prior to my sister’s birth, and how the longing and grief she felt from this event carried over into other parts of her life. In that moment, I loved her as a child who makes foolish mistakes, but who only seeks love and recognition. This progresses into a strong feeling of empathy for all of humankind, all conscious beings, and I strongly sense the idea of a universal spirit. I relate this to the complex patterns still overlaying my vision, and see them morph into “tribal art” which resembles Southwest Native American tapestries, than Chinese, than Indian. I realize that this mind state I’m experiencing has been found by all the mystics and shamans and priests of all of Earth’s cultures, and that these same visuals influenced the art of each respective culture in a similar way. All of these realizations comfort me in my decision to major in cultural anthropology, something which I had been stressing over lately. <br> <br> T: 14:00 hrs: Around 2 or 3 am, B and I notice that we’ve finally come down a bit. We’re exhausted, but sleep still seems impossible. For the next hour or so, we try to shift into more comfortable positions on the couch and turn down the lights, as we gaze at the nature images on the TV screen. I no longer have the intense geometric patterns overlaying my field of vision, but things are definitely still enhanced. The images of trees seem totally alive to me, and a bobcat in a shot that keeps reappearing seems to stare into the depths of my soul. It is not frightening, but it is still awe-inspiring. <br> <br> T: 15:30 hrs: By around 4 am, we realize that the sun is going to be rising soon; B suggests that we should at least attempt to sleep, so we turn off the lights and head to bed. Frustratingly, I cannot seem to get comfortable, and I toss and turn for what seems like hours in bed. My body is exhausted, but my mind is still racing, and I find myself pondering many of the same ideas from earlier in the night and reliving other memories in barely cohesive fragments. Lying in the dark without any visual stimuli, I began to explore the contents of my subconscious mind, for better or worse. <br> <br> At some point, before the sun begins to rise, I felt ready to extend my sense of becoming another towards one last person: my father. Our relationship had been rocky at best since my early teenage years, due mostly to his alcoholism, and several months prior he had attempted suicide for the third time. Reluctantly, I felt myself become him, too, and I see him grieving over the untimely death of his father and his subsequent committal to drink. I see him as a young man, full of life and energy, and then as the hardened corporate executive he had become, and his complete disappointment with himself and his life as he lost his job that year due to consequences of his alcoholism. I felt his sadness, but I was comforted by the universal spirit that permeated me. I knew that his extreme grief was only caused by a false sense of isolation, and that whether or not he found his way in this lifetime, that same universal spirit would always be a part of him. I was finally able to be at peace with his recent actions. <br> <br> Around this time, I also begin to grow concerned that I have gone permanently insane. I cannot remember what normal feels like, and I am unsure if I will ever be able to sleep again. The objects in my bedroom look strange and unfamiliar; even threatening. I am especially haunted by the orchid painting that hangs to my left. I catch it in a glance and decide it’s far too trippy for my taste at the moment. <br> <br> T: 18:00 hrs: The sun begins to drift through the cracks in the blinds. I cannot tell whether or not I have slept, but I am utterly exhausted. I decide that I will stay in bed until the orchid painting to starts to look like an orchid. <br> <br> T: 22:30 hrs: After hours of tossing and turning, glancing at the clock every 20 minutes, and gazing at the undulating wall of clothes at the foot of my bed, I am happy to see that the orchid is just an orchid now, and decide to get up. B, to my right, seems to have finally passed out. I can feel my ribs pressing into the bed, poking out from my abdomen due to my lack of food, and feel cramped and uncomfortable. <br> <br> I arise slowly and throw on my bathrobe. I quietly walk to the kitchen and prepare myself a bowl of oatmeal, and decide to do a bit of yoga while the water boils to ease my bodily discomfort. I can acutely feel my feet sticking to the yoga mat and the softness of my robe against my bare flesh; I am no longer hallucinating, but sensations are still greatly amplified. My breakfast is totally unappealing, but I choke down as much as I can, knowing it will make me feel better. Thankfully, I now have the ability to eat. As I sat quietly by the window eating my oatmeal, I decide that I am like a Buddhist monk, eating his morning bowl of porridge after prayer. My thoughts are no longer disjointed, but I am highly contemplative of the world around me. <br> <br> T: 23:30 hrs: B is up, and we decide to take a shower. I can see each individual droplet of water beading up and falling as it hits my body. The feeling of the spray is delightful. After such a long night, it feels wonderful to finally wash the acid-smell off my body. I notice that my pupils are still completely dilated; they will remain this way until late into the evening. Shortly afterward we decide to venture out into the world for lunch. <br> <br> It was a crisp fall day, and the changing color of the leaves was really beginning to show. High altitude currents of air blew the wispy cirrus clouds across the sky at great speeds, as often happens here in the fall, and the effect was nothing short of ethereal. B and I sat down in the back of our favorite restaurant, not wanting to be too close to other people. I saw a young man walking past the large windows near us, and I briefly saw the world through his eyes; I felt his comfort in the worn jacket he wore, feeling what it would be like to have put it on many times before. B and I ate quietly and comfortably, though we must have worn odd expressions, as the waitress asked us if we were alright – “You guys look like you just lost a puppy or something!” she remarked. Maybe we hadn’t experienced a tragedy, but we had experienced a life-moving event. <br> <br> As we walked through the city after lunch, I told B that I now understood the answer to everyone’s ultimate question – What is the meaning of existence? What is the purpose of my life? The answer was... that there was no answer. Everything just is. Manifest existence came into creation for the sole purpose of being, just to experience life. What answer could possibly be more profound than that? The world was beautiful, in all its cruelties and misgivings, and I was content with that. <br> <br> T: 30:00 hrs: By evening my sense of appetite had returned somewhat, though I was still unable to eat anything near a regular portion of food. I found myself craving snacks familiar to me in my childhood, and I indulged by buying myself a small box of oreo-type cookies to dip in soymilk. I still felt the lingering effects of ego-loss, and my “regular” analytical, sarcastic personality had not quite yet returned; I found myself approaching the world in a childlike manner, and using vocabulary I would not normally use. I felt a strong desire to be cared for and coddled this evening, though thankfully B pandered to my behavior. I also experienced some lingering jaw tension, though a few hits of pot helped to combat this effect. By midnight B and I were finally able to sleep, and we awoke feeling refreshed and rejuvenated late the next morning. The sense of calm and equanimity I gained through my trip persisted into the following weeks. <br> <br> <br> Afterthoughts: This was a tremendous experience that no doubt would have gone differently had I not been in a comfortable environment with people I completely trusted. I now think that LSD has some obvious therapeutic effects, though the experience is so intense that I doubt I will partake more than once or twice a year. I have since tripped once more with the same group of people (G dosed with B and I this time), and although it was not the same earth-shattering experience as my first trip, it was still an overwhelmingly positive event. I am happy to have had the opportunity to let this drug show me parts of the universe and parts of my psyche which I had been previously unaware of, and I would love to return back to that place at different stages of my life.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 76926</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Mar 24, 2009</td><td>Views: 69,946</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=76926&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=76926&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Hangover / Days After (46), Multi-Day Experience (13), Relationships (44), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Mystical Experiences (9), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> <br> I had tripped twice before, taking 2 hits both times, and had experienced an overall pleasant and beautiful trip both times. They were only very mildly hallucinogenic (wavy walls etc). Because of this I was very enthusiastic about acid and felt cavalier about its use, thinking to myself that I wanted to try four or five hits the next time, and explore what I considered the peaceful world of LSD further. My third trip was the most insane, arduous experience of my life up to this point. I tripped for a total of seventeen hours. <br> <br> A close high school friend and I decided we should trip together during Christmas break in my hometown of 3 years, a Chicago suburb. I had brought five hits with me, and was eager to take them all, but my friend was having trouble procuring any for himself. Then I heard from a friend I had bought my acid with. He had split his five hits with a friend, and he described his experience as ‘not in reality.’ He also advised me: ‘Don’t do five hits, you will die.’ This was enough to convince me to split my LSD with my friend T, and so around 8 at night we took the hits, put on a massive amount of clothes and began walking to Thatcher Woods, our designated tripping spot. <br> <br> It was a cold night and there were 3-4 inches of snow on the ground, but it wasn’t an issue. As we were walking I began feeling the warmth of energy rising up and through me, causing me to laugh and feel intensely content, as had happened in my previous trips, and we were both very excited. Eventually we reached a suitable clearing in the woods, and sat down. The woods were beautiful and completely secluded. The energy flowing through my body felt more rapid, and then it was building and building and began whirling through my senses, which I perceived as a sort of bizarre dizziness. Then T pointed at the treetops above us, and I looked up. <br> <br> The trees were swaying animatedly, and the longer I looked the stranger they became. They began transforming into billions of detailed rainbow fragments put together masterfully, but then would revert back to some sense of normalcy in color again. The sky turned purple and began coming down towards me, overwhelming me. It melded with the trees in a glowing display, shrouding the trees which began resembling massive beautiful peacock feathers protruding from the ground. <br> <br> This already was more than I had imagined was possible to perceive, and definitely more than I was prepared to handle. I could feel shifting and a sickening peeling in my brain and I began panicking, muttering frantically and told T that I was very, very scared, and was having a panic attack. I suggested that he call for help, either parents or 911, but fortunately he had tripped harder than I ever had and told me to just sit and breathe for a second, which I did reluctantly (he added later that me telling him I was having a panic attack almost caused him to have one as well). I calmed down slightly, and the horrible sensation in my brain that had caused me to panic had ceased. Sitting there I could feel my mind blasting and firing away at a pace it had never even approached before. <br> <br> We began striking up an animated and basically nonsensical conversation about anything and everything. The entire world began existing in a rhythm which I could sense internally. I began speaking constantly and only in rhymes and rhythms, certain lines appealing to me in particular (e.g., majestic just got hit by the magic stick, moving through the groovy gravy, sipping on the world syrup). We began riffing off each other completely naturally, finishing each other’s sentences and thoughts, and (at least I) felt unified with him and the surroundings through this rhythm, this groovy gravy that the world was now immersed in. While in the forest certain things, sounds or movements, at times caused my entire body to spasm uncontrollably, as if my brain had been zapped. Though I felt liberated and overjoyed at the rhythm I could sense, incredibly unpleasant sensations such as the spasms and indescribable feelings in my head would come and go and it became very important to stave off these horrible feelings. <br> <br> For some reason I pulled out my phone from my pocket. Forgetting why I’d taken it out, I was suddenly overcome by euphoria and threw my phone as far as possible. I saw its light illuminate as it landed. As I walked over to get it I could hear ice groaning and cracking beneath me (we had been debating for some time whether we were in fact sitting on top of a frozen river or not, although it had been much funnier before.) Frightened, I asked T to retrieve it for me. He did so, and gave it to me. I saw that it was completely mangled. When I tried to open it (it was a flip phone), it came apart. I’d had that phone for three years. It had three years’ worth of friends, acquaintances, loves, ideas I had written down with text, even some rough recordings of musical ideas. Losing all this hit me extremely hard, and I was stunned. I felt intense despair and self-disgust at my recklessness, my pointless gesture of throwing the phone, pointlessly breaking what I’d had for years. In my mind it was synonymous with the very basic action of disregarding and hurting people that you loved just to test them. I realized that my phone was named Oliver and told this all to T. While consoling me, he advised that I just let go. <br> <br> At that moment the concept of letting go took on not just letting go of my phone, but of anything transient. I suddenly knew that my entire life was just like my phone and that I was a speck, a zero dimensional point floating in an abyss. I began letting go. Bizarre alterations in my mind continued rapidly. When I voiced certain thoughts to myself, I found I could trace them back to some subconscious memory or lesson that I had, and I was able to analyze the cause of that thought, that fear, whatever it was, and if I chose let it drift away. For example, I was cynical about many things at heart and was able to trace that cynicism to an event that occurred when I was 15. I innately knew the reasons for aspects of my character and could trace them back to concrete memories, but was scared to let them float away and forever alter my psychic makeup. For what seemed like a small eternity I went off alone and sorted through fragments of my subconscious, which seemed to be floating through my conscious mind like flotsams in an ocean. <br> <br> Afterwards I reconvened with T and attempted to explain what had been going on in my head, but soon realized it was pointless to try. T understood the incomprehensibility of the situation perfectly however, using a John Lennon quote: ‘A profound whatever.’ At that moment I felt a spasm in my head which seemed to be describable only as a profound whatever. Suddenly I knew that my life, all existence, was just a profound whatever, although over the course of the night more and more ways to describe that feeling popped into my head. I felt like all of literature and music and dance, etc was seeking to capture that profound whatever. I suddenly had this bizarre cognitive breakthrough that ‘everything is everything else.’ Although it sounds ridiculous, I just knew it to be true during my state. All of existence was not just unified, it was all just one very detailed particle. <br> <br> We stayed in the forest for what seemed like forever, basically shooting the shit and engaging in hilarious yet rhythmically primal banter. I found that this banter was the best part of the trip, feeling intensely adept with language and amusing ideas which T was able to reciprocate and be a part of. This gave my swirling mind an outlet and comforted me that I was with another human being who I trusted. Eventually we left the forest with the vague plan of heading back to my house. <br> <br> During this walk we continued our cosmic banter the entire way. While walking there was a strange sensation that it wasn’t T and I who were moving, but rather the entire universe was sliding by while we watched. Still, it was very important to keep our legs moving, as if on a treadmill, or the universe would just stop. It was euphoric and during the walk at certain intervals we would suddenly ‘know’ that we had lost that round, but win bang go, we would win the next. Our conversation and actions would reach intense inspiring climaxes but could be lost in a second, and when it was lost I knew that I was starting existence over again, that little unique fireball of neurons was lost forever. It was like lighting fireworks and watching them flare, some of them beautiful and overwhelming. <br> <br> We finally got to my house, but I wasn’t ready to go in. Instead we stood at my street corner (although I literally was incapable of standing still), where we continued rhyming and grooving. I began crafting characters and bizarre storylines which me and T became, such as Cheesy Steve, Friar Bobkins, Fruity Susan. I felt euphorically free to be and say anything at all. My hat became the symbol of all things good and pure in the world, and I would throw it on the ground, mock it, then be almost brought to tears and beg T to pick it up, that the world depended on it. I could detect language nebulas revolving around certain groups of words, knowing which words were in the same nebula by letting my brain feel them out. Italy and Sicily were the center of one nebula. Quiche and teeth were at the center of a particularly nasty nebula. <br> <br> I began flitting from different moments in my life and reliving the emotions and sensations of the times, going back years and years and even feeling a strong emotional connection to a period of my life in Hong Kong from 1st-2nd grade, when every Saturday morning my dad would drive me and my brother along the underwater highway connecting Hong Kong to Kowloon to play ice hockey, and I would sleep with a stuffed dragon in the backseat. Somehow I remembered vividly riding on the back of my magical dragon as it raced through the ocean, guiding me safely through the waters while I slept, and it was the most beautiful feeling to relive, regardless of whether it had happened or not. <br> <br> Eventually T grew tired of the cold and decided to go home. He had been hinting at it continually but I had just kept firing rhythm at him, and eventually he left. I was still boiling with thoughts and little segments of rhythm, but I forced myself not to talk to myself – I feared it would caused me to go spiraling into the madness at full speed. So I somehow managed to find my house key beneath all my layers of clothes, and went inside. It was 2 o'clock at night, which was incomprehensible to me –it felt like eons had passed since I first began tripping. <br> <br> By myself in my dark house the trip became much more dark and frightening. I flitted about for a little, marveling at the purity of water among other things. Finally the craziness in my head became too much. I needed a human outlet, but I couldn’t wake any of my family. I decided to use my laptop to find someone to talk to. I went into my room and booted up my computer – the screen made my eyes recoil at first, it was a writhing mass of colors and 3 dimensional activity, but I was slowly able to focus and use it despite the intense visuals. I went on Facebook and began talking to anyone who would respond. The typical pattern would be that I would spout complete randomness, they would have some confused response and then I would get bored and move on. In one online conversation a friend asked me how I was and I instantly without any premeditation replied that ‘I feel like I’m dying a million times while I laugh about how much I hate jews.’ I was scared to be alone and was trying to stave off that truth at all costs. <br> <br> I sent a few garbled emails* and then put on Bjork – it was amazing. The music was so pure, and especially the song Frosti, which hearing caused me to visualize a delicate, beautiful ice contraption. Songs were like human lives, they were so detailed and wide ranging, they were a journey, sometimes heartfelt, sometimes beautiful and serene, sometimes very clichéd and unimaginative. Everything was everything else, and songs were a lifetime in 3 minutes. The song Hidden Place (also by Bjork) made me love my room as I looked around and I began dancing but eventually settled into just watching my hands swirl through the air. I also scrutinized things I had hanging on the wall and was disgusted by certain things which I could so clearly see were just extensions of my ego, and tore them off. <br> <br> My room was where I settled down for the long haul, and tripped for another 9 tormented eternal hours. There was absolutely no possibility of sleep. I began going through the same wheel of emotions and feelings over and over and over again, until it was all like clockwork. Love, carelessness, anger, awe, euphoria, intense psychotic pain, it all came and went in a pattern that I knew was always there but hadn’t been aware of. By the end I had experienced every emotion so fully that I was just weary from them and worn out by endlessly going through their wheel. I laid in bed clutching my stuffed dragon and listened to Bjork, and John Lennon (who’s music I found was all completely in understanding of life on acid). I was still hallucinating. In particular my ceiling fan in the dark was constantly morphing, at one point becoming a powerful rainbow pharaoh glaring down at me. Closing my eyes was even worse though, as I could feel all my senses exploding and saw red fireballs and felt as if I was staring into my own mind. <br> <br> I spent a long time in the bathroom, just looking at myself. My ego was so destroyed at this time that I didn’t even know who I was looking at. I tried to detect myself in my eyes but it was all futile and hopeless. I felt like a cog in a machine who had suddenly sprouted a consciousness and was now staring at itself, helpless to be anything but that cog. I tried to think about love and all of the good things but there were painful moments in the trip where it was simply impossible. Several times during the night I cried as the psychotic turmoil became too much and I pleaded to regain my sanity. <br> <br> There was still beauty, though. As the first rays of sunlight were coming in through my window they illuminated all the countless dust particles in the air, fluttering about, moved by unseen forces. These small particles also were lives, propelled every which way and completely without control. Nevertheless I was struck by their beauty as they whirled to and fro, in wonderful patterns. By this time there had been brief moments when the trip had lapsed slightly, and given me hope. But at 11:00 AM my brain was still blazing and there were still some visuals, and I knew that I needed to tell my mom. By this time I was genuinely worried that I would never in my life be able to sleep again, that I would have to be taken away, that I would never be normal again. I had seen too much and couldn’t function any more. However, I somehow grasped that a mother’s love was a saving grace of the world, an astoundingly beautiful thing that could help me calm down my mind. I hadn’t told her I loved her in years and tripping rhythm had made me realize that I had to tell her, or I would never be at peace. <br> <br> I went downstairs, where my mom was reading. At first I acted normally and tried to eat some cereal, but could only manage a few bites. Eventually I made clear that something was wrong, that I was on acid and that I needed help. She sat with me and I poured out all my fears, that I had no reason to live, I had just lived longer than I ever wanted to in one night, that there was no point to anything. That we were all basically automatons griping about nothing and placing meaning into completely meaningless lives. She just talked with me and shared the same sentiments and told me not to think like that, and gave me a huge hug, and it felt so comforting and lovely to be back in her embrace after years of nothing more than basically formal contact. <br> <br> My younger brother came downstairs and the three of us began what I perceived as an immensely rhythmic conversation, much like the one during the height of my trip, and it filled me with a good feeling and a sense of being home in life. Finally my mom got some Nyquil for me as I had told her about my fear of not sleeping (although was a bit freaked out at the prospect of taking more drugs). For some reason it was very difficult to tell her I loved her. But once I managed it I felt a huge wave of relief wash over my mind and a new sense of wellbeing. My brain was still flying but it was winding down. I then lay in bed while my mom read to me, and finally at some point around 2 oclock, listening to Ben Harper’s Welcome to the Cruel World, I managed to drift into a few hours of sleep. <br> <br> The trip was everything that exists in its extreme. It helped me recover my relationship with my mother, gave me a unique, enigmatic bond with my friend T and gave me a glimpse of the internal mechanics of the universe (at least, it felt that way). The cost though was the most alien, surreal and heart-wrenching night of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. <br> <br> <br> *sent to a friend while tripping, to give a sense of where my mind was at: <br> <br> 'Go' <br> well let me tell you bout the fabric of life it ain't nice sugar and spice no none of that, everythings just going fucking fucked up, like eight things just happened in my mind that i don't have a word for so i just used 'fucked' to describe them all and i don't know anything any more its where i am my fingers so elusive spidery on the keyboard splitty splat ratat hammersplat gotcha, sorry. everything's fucked. i'm currently in the midst of it, sugar and spice, it ain't nice, suzy cream chese, i've got rhymes eight or nine see them see how many rhymes i keep them in a massive planet here in the back i put it behind that loud bitch everything is just all over go catch it its gone already its just gone and so im just typing to u after it all leaves not really sure whats being hit my minds just gotten fucking good at this it just sees what it wants to see on the screen. holy shit im really fucking good at this. my thoughts are appearing before me. this is new. sugar and spice. NEW NEW NEW its new wave. everglade ocean spray ella did i tell you about ella she was a lot of everything and she had sequins, well i don't know whatever the fuck those things are, just something that was good ok, she was good. she was the best. so now i write about it while the crest of everything climaxes up and out into the sea of me spreading out my fingers spout the words flaxen relaxin i think i should seen this soon running out of room. um i guess i should call this something. what is this? well just 'random ranting and shit'. well that doesnt capture it. hmm ' everything'. dont like the zing. 'sugar and spice'? well thats nice, but what about acid? oh well dont go for asking because you'll get fucked in an elephants ass kid, jesus sucked Michael Moore's dick just since he asked, that motherfucker i spread overhead, oh right sugar and spice. i found everything. well but you know. but here i am. but you know. go we win victory bring out the band theyll play something nice. alright ill call it 'go'<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 83544</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Mar 23, 2010</td><td>Views: 76,879</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=83544&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=83544&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Relationships (44), Families (41), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I had just finished Daniel Pinchbeck's marvelously weaved metaphysical memoir 2012: The Return of Quetzacoatl, and after vicariously experiencing all his psychedelic trips, shamanic rituals, and cosmic revelations, I was eager to take my own psychespiritualdelic journey. It had been months since my last trip. So I uncovered my last 3 tabs of LSD I had been saving, a very strong batch of Fluff, which has given me many wondrous, colorful experiences before. I tried to convince my friend Z to join me, but ever since she encountered demons deep within the underbelly of Boston's Charles River on an LSD trip, she has had The Fear. <br> <br> Even though I consider myself a pretty experienced psychonaut (LSD, psilocybin, mescaline, DMT, 5-MeO-DMT, 2C-B, 2C-E, 2C-I, salvia, mali, ecstasy, plus all sorts of combinations :), I had never experienced anything beyond my Self, any kind of Other presence, whether for good or for ill. And even though I saw it terrorize her mind, I could not help but feel envy for her experience, because after all the trips I've been on, I had never had a truly spiritual or mystical experience. The trip always just seemed like something going on in my head. So she stayed relatively sober while I put a tiny white strip of blotter under my tongue. <br> <br> I spent the next 30-45 minutes sitting around, smoking a bowl or two, and enjoying that familiar curious anxiety that slowly creeps over my consciousness as it begins to expand. We eventually left indoors, got in the car (Z was driving), and took the dog to the beach, which was just a few blocks away. Before we even made it to the sand, I was entranced by the sound of the surf. I remember telling Z that 'the sea is a symphony.' I let the waves wash my feet and ankles. I felt such a strong pull from the ocean. It felt so good. I considered going swimming, but lacking a bathing suit, my shorts instead weighed down with cigarettes, weed, glass, and DMT, among other things, I stayed on dry land. Z and I wandered around a little, smoked a bowl, and then she decided she wanted to go, while I decided to stay. I walked back to the car with her to coerce the dog into the back seat, and then they were gone. <br> <br> I found myself alone on the beach now. I could see maybe 25 feet in front of me before the ground disappeared into the luminescent haze of the sandy air above it. Despite this, the stars still shone incredibly brightly, and when I looked up at them, they danced and twinkled, forming some kind of geometric net that resembled the appearance of a canyon from directly above. It was slowly descending upon me but never reaching me, and when I looked down at the sand, the rocks seemed to be growing out of the ground beneath the surf, something which they actually do in certain areas, but whether or not it was happening here, something I still am not sure of, the phenomenon was at the very least heightened considerably. <br> <br> Everything around me was coming alive. This once-empty beach was now surrounding me with its presence. The street lights behind the dunes seemed to wax and wane, sometimes illuminating the haze into a brilliant artificial orange glow, sometimes seemingly disappearing altogether. The effect only added to size and distance distortions I was experiencing. Everything was moving, nothing was concrete. The haze created a small dome around me in which I could clearly see. It was my cloud of perception, and it followed me wherever I went, keeping me out of reach from the foggy unknown world beyond, where shadows and shapes were manifesting and disappearing at the same time. <br> <br> I found a comfortable seat in the dune flanked by two hills, and it was here that I smoked the remaining crystals and resin that was left in my DMT pipe. Right after I inhaled, long and slow, the haze intensified, and I could barely even make out the water in front of me. It was probably less than 20 feet away. The DMT effects were relatively subtle. First, the geometric net of the stars was noticeably more apparent and complex, but still following the same slow wiggly descent. Then, when I stood up in a moment of paranoia and saw my cloud of perception to be maybe 10 feet in radius, I had the distinct feeling that I was no longer where I thought I was, that I had journeyed somewhere entirely different. There were more shadow figures wandering in the fog now, though never coming into view, and as I passed a mass of beached seaweed, I remember thinking that it looked like I was clearly on some alien planet. <br> <br> My mind was still accelerating, and the symphony of the sea was ever-present, slowly infiltrating my consciousness, though I didn't realize it at the time, finding distractions everywhere, and even though I knew on a conscious level that I was just on the beach at night, I also knew, both consciously and unconsciously, that I had stumbled into a place I have never been before, and this feeling was only intensifying as I wandered farther down the coast, to a land where the gradual slope of the dunes transforms into steep cliffs. <br> <br> Then, just as I saw another shadow figure, she saw me, and I saw that it was a mutual, simultaneous observance. She seemed to say something to me, and I seemed to respond. What was literally said or what it sounded like, I have absolutely no idea, but I realize now that she was bidding me to follow, and I was accepting. I began walking in her direction, which was roughly the same direction I had already been heading, but there was such a distinct presence out there now, an 'otherness' that was following me, surrounding me, but staying just outside of my sphere of perception. I kept looking around me, only to find my own shadow and the sound of my own footsteps, but it was as if I could almost touch it. I could feel it getting stronger. I was also entering an incredibly chaotic state of mind, a schizophrenic-like stream of consciousness where there were multiple voices and thoughts in my head simultaneously, and I could not differentiate one from the other, much less my own from my other. <br> <br> I found a spot on the cliff where the rocks jutted out, providing a small shelter if one were to sit right against the wall. I sat down here and began to pack a bowl of cannabis. Less than a minute later, I was fleeing from the site in panic, because I saw and felt the rocks above me begin to crumble apart. I ventured back to make sure the cliff was still standing, as I knew it was, and that I was just tripping face. I walked a bit farther until I stopped to lean against the rock. It felt so strange to touch it, and as I was gazing at it, trying to collect myself, the rocks again began to crack and crumble apart right in front of me. The unknown had now entered my sphere of perception, and matter was dissolving before my eyes. <br> <br> I again fell back from them in utter and complete terror. As I backed up, and as the fear grew, the cracks grew massive, climbing up the walls, until I finally calmed myself down, realizing it was being brought on by my emotions. I considered turning back at this point, but I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I did. I was out there looking for something, and I knew I would find it if I kept looking. So I ventured farther, following more shadow figures in the fog. There were so many of them now, their presence still intensifying. I kept walking toward her ever-changing shape, and as she came into view, I saw that it was a stack of rocks, maybe three and a half feet high, but stacked perfectly among the rest of the stones on the beach. It struck me, and I remember looking at it, curious, but I did not stop, I kept walking, entering a still-higher level of schizophrenia. Everything was so jumbled, I eventually sat down against the rocks again, finally smoking that bowl. I was tripping so incredibly hard at this point, I remember telling myself and all the other voices in my head that 'I'm just sitting,' which made me laugh out loud when I made the connection with the Buddha, and just how ridiculous this all was. <br> <br> I began listening to the symphony of the sea again. I was being lulled into a trance. I did not realize it at the time, but it was her. She had led me there, egged me on, and she was singing to me now. Her voice was transcendent. Once in her trance, I found myself to be in a multi-dimensional sonic space. The rhythm and structure of her song created these pulsating, swirling rhythmic harmonies that were of a complexity so incredible, so beautiful. I have never heard anything like this before in my life. And I've been to the beach before, I've heard the sound of the surf crashing against the sea and sand. But never like this. <br> <br> I was shaking now. She was stringing me along one of these harmonic columns of energy, spinning, swirling, whirring, and then, right after a momentary eternity of silence, the string snapped, in unraveled, and I heard the deep, guttural roar of a massive wave. I knew it immediately when I heard it, and I wept at its beauty. Tears streamed down my face as I realized what had just happened. I heard a wave for what a wave really is. Not some rising hill of water that breaks on itself as it approaches the coast, but a huge, swirling formation of energy that journeys miles a minute in its constant cycle. As this all sunk in, I was still trembling, my pulse was tremoring, and I was gasping for air, and my body had just been sitting there this whole time. <br> <br> I channeled her and she channeled me, and the spirit of the water had led me there, against the rocks, where I could hear her sing. The rocks she had led me to were shaped perfectly to resonate the swirling, spinning divine rhythmic harmonies of the waves deep in the sea. I could ride her voice for miles. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. Everything was clear now, I was lucid in this spirit realm, and I was in harmony with her, dancing with her. The presence I had felt encircling me was now a part of me. I spent a long time out there, hypnotized and enraptured by her breathtaking roars and elaborate cadence. It resonated within my soul. She was a part of me now, and I was in ecstasy. <br> <br> I eventually wandered back to Z, who was asleep. I woke her up to tell her my story and smoke a freshly packed bong. Even blocks up from the coastline, I could still hear her, and I could feel her song below my feet. We got in the car and drove around, and after some meandering throughout the sleeping city, pulled on to a street where a massive tractor trailer was trying pull into an alley. I felt the pulsating in my soul again, but this time totally different, and all of a sudden the power lines above us got ripped apart, exploding in a cloud of white sparks. I yelled at Z to back up, because if the pole was coming down, it would've come down right on top of us, and then again, a second explosion. Luckily nothing fell, and everyone was alright. I told her I anticipated it, feeling it before seeing it, and she said she felt it, too. We thought it might have been a small earthquake, but we haven't been able to corroborate this conjecture. In all likelihood the truck got caught on one of the wires and snapped it apart. This had a similar apprehensive feeling as the wave, but it was more of a cosmic punch to the soul than a trance-inducing song. <br> <br> We spent the rest of the night wandering between the beach and the car, and wherever I went, whether it was an open beach where the sound didn't resonate the same way, I could still hear her, I could still hear the swirling get faster and faster until it snapped and unraveled, exploding in the crashing of a wave. I was eventually lulled to sleep by her when I finally lay in my bed well after dawn. When I woke the next day, and even now, her song still resonates in my soul. The sea sounds forever different to me now. I went back to the same spot I was in the next night, but this time in the normal, material world, where both the haze and the stars were less visible, the rocks were no longer stacked up, and I could only barely hear that whirring energy resonance. But it was still there. <br> <br> The most astonishing thing to me about this whole experience is the fact that I actually got a response from a seemingly unresponsive universe. I was out there looking for spirits, or some kind of 'other,' I don't even really know. My normal day-to-day life feels different now. Even though I was in such an altered state, as this surely ranks among the strongest trips I have ever had, and even though I am a little unsure about the linear progression of events, I have no doubt about what I heard in that eternal moment. She sang to me.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 65793</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 9, 2007</td><td>Views: 42,836</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=65793&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=65793&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">DMT (18), LSD (2) : Alone (16), Mystical Experiences (9), Entities / Beings (37), Nature / Outdoors (23), Combinations (3)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 6:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/salvia/">Salvia divinorum</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(leaves)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.5 bowls</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/salvia/">Salvia divinorum</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract - 10x)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I’m writing this because I noticed that there aren’t many reports about this combination, and where there are they tend to be negative or there were more substances involved. Mine wasn’t necessarily positive or negative, just immensely weird and mind-blowing. One thing I have to say, tho, is that this combo is very easy to panic on (which is what I almost did), but more about that later. <br> <br> To start off, I am a very experienced drug user, having been around the block a lot with every major illegal drug and several drugs most people have never heard of. My favorite is by far mescaline, but I’ve only gotten to try it a few times. Barring that I’d say it’s LSD, and that I’ve done dozens and dozens of times. I’ve experienced a lot of crazy trips in my time, but never anything like this. Before I begin, I should mention we had also been smoking a fair amount of marijuana through out the evening, how much I don’t know. Also, I apologize for the length of the post, it’s just this is a very difficult experience to describe. <br> <br> Anyway, here’s what happened: I’d gotten a hold of some pretty good acid from a friend of mine. I bought three hits, and my friend, A, bought two. Excited to trip, we went back to his place and dosed around sunset. While we waited to come up we just smoked some of A’s weed and listened to Animal Collective, nothing out of the ordinary for us at the time. We both noticed this acid took a while to come on, and at first we thought we might have been jipped. Of course, a few minutes later Alice made herself known to us. I smiled in delight as that euphoric buzz unique to acid crept over me, opening all my senses. A lot more happened as we came up, but honestly it was trivial compared to what would happen to me in the next few hours. <br> <br> We peaked around about three hours; we both remarked about the quality of the acid. During the following hours we talked, listened to music, and drew some really good abstract art with oil pastels, which is saying something because I’m not much for visual art. It was an awesome trip, enthralling is the word. Not one uncomfortable thought or feeling. <br> <br> Then, as we were both coming down toward the six hour mark (sorry, I should have documented the times, but I didn’t know anything this crazy would happen), I remembered about the little bag of salvia I had from the day before. I got the zip-loc bag from out of my backpack. Inside was quite a bit of non-extract leaf and about two hits of some 10X. Having had such a good trip, and being a little disappointed it was all winding down, I asked A if he was ready to embark. Of course, he was, so we filled his bong with some leaf and a hit of 10X. We decided beforehand that we would go one at a time, just in case. A had done salvia several times before, and he really liked it. I’d only done it once before, and it was 60X; total amnesia from the first hit, I don’t even fully remember the comedown. Not really pleasant. I was probably more apprehensive than A for that reason, which may have influenced my trip. <br> <br> We wait, but nothing really happens to him. So we smoke two more bowls of the leaf. Enter the insensible giggling I’d seen happen on salvia before. We both thought our visuals became more colorful. But still, nothing. I decided to wait a bit longer. Then suddenly the mood of the room changed, it’s hard to describe. The only way I can explain it is that “Salvia” came into the room and was there with us, not like a drug but like an actual person, disembodied and pervasive. I mentioned this to my friend, who thought it was cool; he still didn’t feel anything remotely like his last trips. <br> <br> I wait some more, and the “presence” begins to subside. Not wanting to waste my shot, I packed a bowl of 10X and took it all in one hit. As I exhale, I woke up in an unfamiliar reality. It happened so fast I didn’t know what to think. Titanic tidal forces were stretching my body in all directions; I felt like I was being smeared over everything. Everything I saw had become intensely colored, and not your regular “dude I’m tripping, so many colors” kind, but the “I’m about to go insane” type, the colors were so brilliant that nothing in the room seemed solid, but rather like it was a “hyperliquid.” In this hyperliquid state everything bled into everything else. I felt like my body was being pulled into the floor, and dissolving into the air around me. This was quite disturbing. <br> <br> Only a few seconds into the trip it intensified to a crazy level. Now everything had such an awesome “gravity”, it’s like A’s living room had just fallen through an event horizon and everything had taken on such incredible mass. I felt like I was being crushed by the immense forces emanating from everything, almost as if I was in the presence of some immense being. Light became very strange to perceive, it was like I was moving just a tiny bit slower than it, so time had almost come to a standstill. To this day I think I understand Einstein’s ideas about spacetime better, for in this state time and space melted into this organic, breathing thing, and I could “feel out” events happening anywhere in the universe; it was like every event sent out a pulse, and because of the “hyperliquid” nature of reality these pulses were instantaneously transferred into everything else, all across existence. I looked at my friend in terror; all he said was “what?” repeatedly with a smile, but to me it seemed like he was confirming that this was indeed reality. I thought that him and all my friends and family existed on this level and had forever, while I had been stuck in the “3-d” world of delusion all my life and had just now realized what everyone else already experienced. I’ve heard of salvia having this unique effect on others before. It truly felt like I had woke up and realized every event and detail of “my life” was a complete fabrication. This terrified me, I won’t deny. <br> <br> Suddenly, a pocket in reality opened up, and my awareness divided between the me experiencing all this stuff in A’s living room and the me that was stuck in this immense geometric chamber shaped like a triangle. It was so immense that I realized I was in fact in a room of infinite proportions. Imagine eternity turning into a room; well that’s where I was. The walls were full of repeating, spiralling patterns. The strangest thing about this chamber was that it seemed to have more than 3 dimensions; tho I don’t really know if this can actually be true, everything appeared to be “5”-d. This is where I really start to panic, as the alien geometry really upset me. I felt the most intense fear, a desire to escape this triangle-chamber that I was now interpreting as a prison. The problem was, this chamber didn’t exist anywhere in space-time; it was beyond both. I remember calling out desperately to the “me” still in A’s living room, but my voice couldn’t carry across the infinitesimal yet gaping chasm between us. I seriously believed I’d never leave this place, that I was trapped here forever. I could barely remember who I was, let alone who that kid back on Earth was. I was certain I had lost not only my mind, but my soul, lost forever in this bizarre reality. <br> <br> Then I started to focus on the me inside the chamber, instead of trying to get back to my body still on earth. I proceeded to experience the most intense feeling of knowledge, as I realized that this “chamber” was really the intersection of countless parallel realities, and this “person” inside the chamber was the intersection of all the parallel selves I had in all the parallel worlds I existed in. I had, in an instant, become a conglomerate of parallel minds all perceiving as one! At this point I realize that there is something I, or we (which one should I use?) have to do, something so imperative that if I didn’t do it we’d be trapped here forever and could never achieve what was next (I wonder). Tormented by the idea, I-we tried to navigate this chamber, but soon realized that since the chamber is infinite, there’s (relatively) no progress that could be made. <br> <br> Despite that, I-we ran and ran, and as we “ran” the swirling 5-d patterns on the floor got bigger and bigger (yet at the same time always infinite) until it absorbed us. As we were absorbed we realized what the purpose of us being together as one in this chamber was. And just as suddenly I lost clarity; I become aware I’m in my body again, and the strange pocket closed up and disappeared. I am back in the hyperliquid of spacetime, but this time reality is moving as if huge waves were undulating through it (I think this had to do with the music playing at the same time, I could hear the music, but it was just as much a part of the “hyperliquid”). As these waves passed through reality, I realized even bigger waves were coming from somewhere much deeper in reality. Now I really, really panicked, as I realized an alien intelligence was sending its consciousness through this hyperliquid plane in the form of waves, but the intelligence itself was much, much deeper inside reality, far deeper than I was. There was a sinister feeling to the being, tho I think this was mainly my ego freaking, who knows what the intentions of this “being” were as I never directly experienced it; I was simply aware of its emanations thru spacetime. <br> <br> As the waves pushed through the liquid, the liquid would condense even more where the waves were, to the point that I saw these “bands” of A’s room become so dense I later described them as being dense as neutron stars. Then the waves hit me, and as they went through me I felt my being become infinitely dense, like they were. I thought I was being crushed into a singularity, or dying, or both. Suddenly, A’s room disappears yet again, and all I am aware of is an infinite darkness and the wave dragging through me. As it drags it pulls my body into a string without a beginning or an end. I exist for I don’t know how long as this infinite string when I become aware that there are other strings next to me. I am a fucking guitar! An infinte guitar at that; somehow the dimensions were set so I knew I was a string and it was a guitar, but everything was infinite so how could there be any dimension at all? Anyway, I am still panicking and trying to resist whatever is happening. <br> <br> Suddenly something strikes the strings and a chord rings out into the void. I realize that I am the hand, the guitar, the strings, and the sound ringing, but my conscious self is localized on one string (which one I can’t remember, it was either D or G, as it was in the middle), and this string is full of fear and won’t vibrate in harmony with the others, resulting in a discordant harmony. The entire time I know I have to relax and let it happen; I wish I did, who knows what could’ve happened. I would’ve had it not been for the sinister feeling I had, like if I relaxed and let the chord play, I’d lose my soul and free-will. Very strange thoughts, who knows what would have happened if I’d let go. I’m kinda glad I didn’t, tho there’s another part of me that’s disappointed; did I miss a chance to really learn something? Perhaps some things should not be known by a primitive human. I should also mention that throughout this part of the trip I was aware of many thoughts and impressions, as if I was working out deep inner issues; of course I can’t remember, tho, which mildly frustrates me. <br> <br> Regardless of what would’ve happened, I leave this place after another eternity and am back in the hyperliquid, but this time it’s less “liquid” or “hyper” and more like A’s living room. A few more seconds and I stumble back into reality confused as hell. I get up and look around, wild-eyed and sweating profusely. A is still saying “what?” and laughing. My heart was beating really fast, for a second I thought it would be a problem, but I just layed down for a bit and it came under control. For thirty minutes I seriously could only say “Holy shit, what the fuck, how…Oh my god, what the fuck, how…” etc. I’m finally able to speak English somewhat fluently and ask A what happened. He says I just zoned out for two or three minutes and looked scared the entire time, grabbing my sides and looking to the side a lot, which I of course did not remember. Two or three minutes! I couldn’t believe him, but he insisted. How long it took I don’t know. If there’s ever a next time, I’ll be sure to bring some kind of timer. <br> <br> In the end, I can’t really say it was a bad trip at all; had I been prepared this could’ve been something more productive, and I might’ve been able to go with it more. It caught me totally by surprise, which is what I think contributed to my fear. Who knows what would have happened if I’d let go. It could be a mystery for the rest of my life, as I feel trepidation in attempting such a mind-blowing combo again. I may try it again some day, but only when I’m sure I’m ready. It was definitely one of THE MOST INTENSE things that has ever happened to me. On coming down, I remember having the distinct impression that if I would’ve had to stay there even a few earth-minutes longer, I might’ve lost my mind forever. This experience definitely stretched my mind to its limits. I’ve come away from this experience with a new respect for salvia, psychedelics, and reality in general. That night I plumbed depths I may never be able to fathom again, which begs the question, “Do I even want to?” I don’t really know the answer to that yet. Maybe I am just not supposed to be in that world, and that is why it felt so terrifying and sinister. But I can’t call it a bad trip, as I think I learned and perceived so much in those few minutes. <br> <br> Here are some things I noticed about the trip I’ve found to be common to many salvia reports I’ve read: <br> <br> 1. Experiencing ‘alien geometries’ <br> 2. Feeling like I was being ripped apart <br> 3. Realizing that my previous life had all been an illusion, and everyone but me had known, and that this salvia space was the only true reality. <br> 4. Becoming an inanimate object (in this case, a guitar). <br> 5. Experiencing feelings of immensity, gravity, infinity, and eternity. <br> <br> There are a few aspects of the trip I’ve had a hard time finding in other reports, mainly the “all selves in all universes converging into one” part, as well as the “presence” entering the room. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything like this. As for the multiple-selves, a while after the trip I came up with a theory that maybe at that moment I took that last hit, so were an innumerable amount of other “I’s” scattered throughout the multiverse, tho in the end I realize I don’t know anything, really. <br> <br> I don’t know what would’ve happened had I not been on acid. It probably would’ve been much less intense. I’ve come to the conclusion that salvinorin A, THC, and LSD make for some incredible synergy. I can’t tell you how much one might have colored the other, they just melded together perfectly and catapulted me into realms beyond my understanding. Definitely the strangest night of my life, and my most mind-blowing trip to date. I will ponder this experience for the rest of my days. <br> <br> Note: at the time I didn’t play the guitar, or any instrument for that matter. So I find it strange I had such an engrossing hallucination of being a guitar. My intuition told me maybe that was a hint from the universe, or something. Several months after the experience I started learning the guitar, and now less than a year after I started learning it I’m actually quite good; as I get better at the guitar, the more emotionally stable and confident I become (which relates back to the trip like this: in the trip I was the string that wouldn’t play in harmony with the other strings; I feel as I progress with the guitar, I get more in tune with myself on a deeper level, and my anxieties decrease as I work them out thru music). Before this trip I should add I never really had any interest in the guitar at all. So I guess this was actually an extremely productive trip, one that pointed me in the direction of growth. Or maybe I’m insane. Thanks for being patient with such a long report.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 82086</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 17</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Sep 22, 2010</td><td>Views: 53,669</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=82086&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=82086&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Salvia divinorum (44), LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Mystical Experiences (9), Music Discussion (22), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance">Unknown</td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 15:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">128 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Background: I am male, at the time of this experience 24 years old and weighing around 128 pounds. I take no prescription or OTC medications, but generally use marijuana and yerba mate on a daily basis. I have also been using kratom frequently, about two to four days most weeks. I have extensive experience with psychedelics, everything from mushrooms, LSD, DMT and 5-MeO-DMT, syrian rue and caapi alone or in combination with the aforementioned tryptamines, hawaiian baby woodrose seeds, MDMA, 2C-I, 2C-E, 2C-B, Trichocereus cacti, sketchy blotters suspected to be DO-x compounds, Salvia divinorum, nitrous oxide, ketamine and DXM. <br> <br> A friend had given me four hits of a new type of blank blotter “acid” to test out, reputedly from a different chemist than before. We have been doing a certain type of acid once a week or so, for several months. Thus I had become very used to the effects of legitimate LSD, at various doses. One hit to catalyze my mental processes. Two hits to feel the characteristic effects of LSD. Three hits to go deeper. Four hits for a trip to the moon. Five hits to be seriously, seriously confused and disoriented. Eight to twelve hits, to transcend the confusion and reach a much higher plateau of fractalizing goo. In other words, I knew acid, inside and out. <br> <br> Mindset going into the trip: So I decided to take all four hits (5 X 6 millimeters each) of this blank blotter on a Sunday morning. The friend who gave it to me had not sampled himself (he almost never takes psychedelics these days), but he said that everyone he had given it to reported it was stronger than the batch I was used to. I did not consciously state an intention for this trip, but was just feeling kind of bored and thought four hits of acid would be a good way to liven up my day. I was confident taking it all would be no big deal, as I had taken five hits a couple days before and been a-okay. When I put the blotter in my mouth, it tasted faintly bitter and did not have the electric-tingly tongue feeling I get from legitimate acid. However, I did not think anything of it at the time. <br> <br> The Experience: Right after dosing I walked down the hill with a couple people from my house, it was beautiful and sunny outside. After so much cold winter weather this unseasonal warmth was welcome. On the way down I began feeling somewhat detached. I concentrated on just being centred and grounded within myself, and not reacting to anything around me too strongly. I chose not to speak at all, unless specifically asked a question and even then my reply was terse. We went to a flea market which has some cool stalls. The community centre it was in had poor ventilation, and I was alerting and starting to come up. I felt very uncomfortable, people milling all around, and very aware of the funny smells in the building. Bad vibes. I quickly excused myself, saying I would hang out outside. <br> <br> Once outside I felt a very nervous energy. There was a little joint in my pocket, but I didn’t feel comfortable just hanging out calmly and smoking. I needed to walk! There was a strong stimulated feeling, a kind of nervous energy soothed best by physical activity. Without telling anyone, I just started walking around the neighbourhood. Taking residential streets, soaking up the sunshine. I felt a little guilty about having just wandered off without telling anyone where I had gone, but at the same time I felt I had to keep walking to ease the comeup energy. <br> <br> The trees were beautiful, bare branches showing their growth habits against the blue sky. The elm trees in particular fascinated me, the fissures in the bark looking like eyes or faces. And the snow was melting and dripping all around, sparkling brilliant rainbow colours. I passed a house with colourful childrens toys, a little sled and toy shovel. Everything seemed more vibrant than before. The next house I passed had a decapitated seagull lying at the edge of the sidewalk. The head was nowhere to be seen, but the yellow feet caught my attention, pointing up at the sky. Pink and red tissue and a hole in the neck. Feathers were scattered across the sidewalk. I felt no revulsion or anything towards this macabre sight. Instead, I calmly noted that there was a dead seagull, thought that a cat probably got it, and continued my walk. <br> <br> At this time I was beginning to notice some muscle tension. All my deep muscle tissues seemed clenched, tightened up. My shoulders ached, and my hips and legs felt a little stiff. My hands were getting numb and tingly. This happens to me sometimes on LSD, especially if I do not stretch properly first, or if it is cold outside. However, on LSD I usually only feel the muscle tension in the later stages of the trip. Usually the tingling hand effect is not this strong, nor does it come on this fast. I was a little perplexed, but put it down on being outside (not cold but a little chilly) and possibly taking a higher dose than normal. <br> <br> I walked past a local coffee shop, in which a couple of my friends were hanging out and chatting. I stopped briefly when Dante came outside and hailed me, but again did not feel like going inside. Inside was too stuffy, too many people. Outside was kind of gross, dirty melted snow and people’s spit and cigarette butts all over the ground and flower planters. I was feeling a bit antisocial, saying I didn’t want to hang out here, and was going to keep walking instead. Again, the vibes felt bad to me. I continued my walk, and a friend text messaged me from inside the coffee shop: “Come back!” I ignored the message. <br> <br> I made my way to the nearby park, seeking a pleasant natural place to maybe smoke that joint. There was a lot of mucous building up in the back of my throat, and I started to cough frequently, spitting out the phlegm. “That’s kind of weird,” I thought to myself. I have hacked my lungs out before on high doses of 2C-I, 2C-E or 2C-B. Even on mushrooms. But usually I don’t get this kind of body load on acid. Unless I am specifically tripping out about my body for some reason, acid usually has little to no body load. <br> <br> Next came more coughing, and eventually I purged. What the fuck? I haven’t purged on acid since… since… that sketchy fractal “acid” blotter I took years and years ago (which I suspected to not be LSD but probably a DO-x compound). I still didn’t make the connection that what I had taken today wasn’t acid. I thought it was really strange, but figured my anxiousness, my desire to get away from busy roads and pollution was what had made me purge. Everything is possible, as acid is so much a catalyst of my mental processes. <br> <br> After purging I tried sitting on a patch of clear grass, a little sunny spot on the hillside. Having quite the déjà vu, sitting here, just having purged… just like that time I took 23 milligrams of 2C-E. The anxious need to walk around, the nausea, the way everything glowed vividly in the sunshine… The coughing was still bothering me so I decided not to smoke the joint, and to continue homewards instead. Sitting calmly was hard, I still had that anxious, stimulated feeling driving me to walk. <br> <br> Upon returning home, I put on a pot of tea and before the water had even boiled everyone else came home as well. They were a little upset that I had just disappeared and avoided them all, but the only one I told the real reason, was my girlfriend. I went through some intense emotions, feeling ashamed of wandering off and letting my friends worry about me. Feeling ashamed of taking acid in a way more recreational and abusive, than enlightening. Feeling ashamed of not being honest with my girlfriend and others about my actions, from the beginning. Recalling bitterly that, if I do not state my intent consciously and clearly, it means that my subconscious will run things for me. My subconscious chooses its own agenda, and I was enmeshed in my fears, anxieties… questioning my self-worth. <br> <br> I felt there was a barrier between my girlfriend and I, because I had not told her right away about taking the blotter. I felt very emotional about this and first had to “clear my conscience” with her. Once the barrier had been torn down, we attempted to make love. However my penis was flaccid, with too little blood flow to maintain an erection. This has never been a problem on LSD. Quite the contrary, LSD usually keeps me at a constant level of sexual arousal. Love making becomes cosmic, oceanic, and ecstatically transcendent. On LSD, we tend to make love many times until reaching the point of exhaustion. I have experienced flacid-penis-syndrome before with phenethylamines, particularly higher doses of MDMA or 2C-E. One more aspect of this blank blotter “acid”, making it feel different than the acid I was used to. Instead of having sex we just cuddled for awhile. <br> <br> I was dragged out of the house by my two “brothers” (not blood, but I consider them to be my brothers). They were walking to the mall to find a new blender for the house, and wanted my company. I wasn’t too enthused, but decided a change of scene would be good for me. That stimulated nervous feeling was still nagging me, and although I was already tired from walking so much before, more walking seemed a good idea. The muscle tension in my body was still pretty bad. <br> <br> We walked along the highway to get to the mall, and everything was dirty, mucky and smelled of exhaust fumes. My nose was running, mucous production again. Damn pollution. We think its okay because it gets diluted in the atmosphere, and yet most of us live in the dirtiest and most polluted areas; in the cities, in other words. Meanwhile looking up, I saw jets were spraying chemtrails, in a nice cross-hatch manner to the planes that had sprayed earlier in the morning. The sunny sky was slowly being covered with a thin silver mist. <br> <br> So kind of a depressing walk, but in retrospect the walk was pretty nice compared to being in the mall. Malls are fucking scary! All my senses had been heightened, and I was very aware of the little details. The subtropical heat, making everyone feel a little stupefied. The toxins making the whole building malodorous. The gaunt and vacant stares of the shoppers, anxiously searching for bargains. It was “scratch and save days” and a lady walked past asking her kids how much they had saved on their purchases. “I saved 10%!” said one daughter proudly. The other moaned, “I only saved a penny.” All three had the same chubby, fast-food figure. <br> <br> I could hear the electricity buzzing around me. I could see the fluorescent lights flickering. Nowhere was there any relief to be found, no green plants or artwork to soften the consumerism. Desperately I tried not to let my glance fall on any of the products all around me. I didn’t want to give them my attention. Stuff I don’t want, stuff I don’t need. My eyes found something that wasn’t a box with a sticker: A sign on the wall said “Area monitored by closed circuit television.” <br> <br> Star dragged us around the electronics department for awhile, then we got our blender and fucked off. Unfortunately not outside, Star was adamant on doing a tour of the mall. More gaunt faces, more vacant stares. A woman with four rambuncous children and a fifth in the stroller. All boys? Maybe the fifth was a girl… I wondered what compelled her to have so many. Old people in wheelchairs, slowly rolling along. Everybody seemed drained of energy and depressed. What a fucked up place the mall is. We reached the gaming shop, near enough to the food court to smell that peculiar and unpleasant odour. What passes as food for those already drained of life force… it will fill you up, without truly nourishing and replenishing. My sense of smell was through the roof, I could smell everything so vividly. <br> <br> The walk home was nice, I was glad to be out of the mall and we took side streets rather than the main road. <br> <br> Around 13 hours after dosing, I started to question the blotter. Why was I still having vivid hallucinations after thirteen hours? Why did I still feel just as high as after five hours? Acid would normally start to wear off after eight hours, and be nearly clear by twelve. Instead, I was seeing geometric patternings and such across every surface. The visuals were more reminiscent of cactus or 2C-compounds than LSD. Slowly all the little clues clicked, and I realized I had taken something other than LSD. I had taken some kind of phenethylamine. The nagging, dragging stimulation and lingering psychedelia had finally tipped me off. <br> <br> PIHKAL came off the shelf and I browsed. I was pretty sure I had taken a DO-x compound and not LSD, since the DO-x are potent enough to fit on a blotter and are longer lasting than LSD. To me, this trip had a lot in common with 2C-I, 2C-B and 2C-E. It was longer lasting than even 2C-E, and perhaps with more of a stimulant edge. Otherwise I felt the effects were closest to 2C-B, particularly the coughing & mucous production, and the way I felt pushed to walk around so much, to ease the nervousness. Also, on 2C-B I got a lot of muscle tension like with this blotter. I had taken another type of sketchy blotter in the past, which was a much more mellow experience seeming more like 2C-I to me. That other sketchy blotter was nice material, but this stuff had a little too much body load for comfort. And so, I tentatively identified the substance I had taken today as DOB. I believe the other sketchy blotter I had taken was probably DOI. <br> <br> About 15 hours after dosing, and with the aid of a couple doobies, I was able to go to sleep, however my sleep was broken and disturbed all night. I do not remember any dreams that night, whereas with LSD my dreams are usually more vivid and more easily recalled. The next day I still felt slightly altered upon waking but the feeling had faded by the time I went to bed the next night. The muscle tension stayed with me for most of the next day. I got a nice massage from my girlfriend, which loosened me up a lot but the deepest muscles were still clenched. I was worn out and slept soundly that night. <br> <br> Conclusion: In PIHKAL it lists DOB as having a dose of 1.0-3.0 milligrams, lasting 18-30 hours. There is mention of muscle cramps and the strong stimulating effect. Everything I experienced seems to closely match descriptions of DOB. I would say that I prefer LSD to this substance. The body load was too high for me to be really comfortable. Taking all four blotters at once was probably not the best idea. If I had just taken one or two, I might have had a much more rewarding and enjoyable experience. The duration of the substance was a bit annoying, and I made poor choices regarding my set and setting. It wasn’t a “bad trip” (I don’t believe in bad trips, there are just experiences… often learning experiences). <br> <br> If I tried this compound again, I would do so at a lower dosage. I would take it early in the morning knowing that I would be tripping all day. I would put more conscious intent into the experience, perhaps planning to be outdoors hiking in nature to receive the full value of this substance. I would do it on a warm day, and make sure I was warm and comfortable while coming up, to help with the muscle cramps. But honestly I felt the overall tone of the experience was cold and harshly analytical, and I have no desire to seek this substance out. The body load was too high, and the mental effects did not make up for the body load. <br> <br> There was a lot of these sheets of blank blotter floating around for awhile, and I went back to the guy who had gifted me my tabs and told him what I suspected it was, and urged him to be open and honest about what he was selling. Don’t call it “acid” unless it’s LSD, that’s just being dishonest. There will definitely be people interested in trying DOB. I’m all about knowing exactly what you are taking. <br> <br> My partner tried this substance out at a dosage of three hits, a week or two after my experience with it. She experienced the same annoying muscle tension as I did, and also the extremely long duration and residual stimulation of the compound kept her up and awake all night the day she took it. She agreed with me, that compared to LSD the body load was much higher and the mental effects were not as enjoyable. She has no desire to repeat the experience. <br> <br> We had one other friend who took four hits of this same blotter and had a very rough trip. The effects lasted so long that she didn’t feel as if she ever really came down, and again the cold, harshly analytical nature of this compound got to her. She struggled with the integration process for months, and needed lots of support from friends as well as some conventional psychotherapy. <br> <br> The problem of substitution is unfortunately very real. What tipped me off was the bitter taste, the long come-up time (3 hours or more to fully come up), lots of body load (nausea, phlegm and muscle tension), and having a duration much longer than expected for LSD. Also getting “flaccid-penis-syndrome” was a dead giveaway that I’d taken a phenethylamine and not a tryptamine.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2009</td><td width="90">ExpID: 83379</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 24</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Sep 7, 2010</td><td>Views: 53,117</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=83379&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=83379&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Unknown (120), LSD (2), DOB (19) : General (1), Sex Discussion (14), What Was in That? (26), Difficult Experiences (5), Various (28)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This experience was the most intense foray into psychedelia that I’ve ever had. It was also the singly best and worst night of my life. It started on a regular Saturday night. I had just obtained some great molly to my excitement, as I hadn’t had good stuff for many many months. My friend H and I were just chilling at my apartment. I was kind of hesitant to take it for whatever reason but knew that I would still thank myself in the end. I weighed out ~100 mg and parachuted it. <br> <br> I began to feel a little odd and knew I was coming up. Then, in about 40 minutes it hit me completely; I was rolling harder than ever before. I began to dance ecstatically and H put on some music. I was just massaging my whole body and talking a mile a minute. H was completely sober, but I tried to get her to open up to me completely and began psychoanalyzing her life inadvertently. She told me that everything I was saying was true, but she hadn’t come to terms with it yet and needed to mule it over. <br> <br> At this point I decided to take some acid on a whim, so I went to my stockpile and dropped 3 hits of this amazing rainbow children blotter I had. H expressed some concern, as I had not originally intended to do any acid. I was completely confident in my decision though and couldn’t have been more happy with myself and what I was going to experience. H asked me if I wanted to go outside and run with her and I replied with a definite YES! I got some water and a pacifier to chew on for the road. As we were leaving, our friends John and Joey popped by randomly and we vaporized a bowl together. I was really happy to see them and they wished me the best of luck on my trip. <br> <br> After they left we set out down the neighborhood in a jog. I ran until I noticed my heart was beating very FAST and I was getting lightheaded. I listened to the signs of my body and decided to slow down and drink some water to cool off. At this point the acid really kicked in and I felt like I was popping in and out of the space-time domain and dancing with the cosmos. We made it to a small elementary school park and I immediately lay down in the grass of a field. I looked out at the sky and saw the most beautiful cloud formations and the stars appeared to be raining out of the sky. I was so happy and had never seen so much beauty before. Everything was ALIVE! Everything I looked at was breathing in the energy of life and absolutely flowing. I could see every molecule that composed everything I saw, no matter how close of far away it was. All my senses were enhanced and I experienced them as one: beyond the senses. <br> <br> I began to get astounding and glorious revelations. I saw that everything was composed of one basic building block fractal that would create patterns to give off the appearance of form. I new that this fractal was pure and absolute love, the creator and the creation fused as one- God, energy, light, whatever you wish to call it, this is what it was. And I realized that nothing was static either-everything was always moving, flowing, going through a continuous cycle of life, death, and rebirth. I realized that although it was always changing, it was infinite, and to be part of the cycle is what it means to be alive. I saw everything that appeared to be still was simply slowly moving particles of this energy life force, vibrating at such a low rate that our ordinary senses perceive it as solid. I almost cried for joy at this realization- all was love, all was one. <br> <br> I reflected on the concept of the OM and understood it completely. I also realized that since everything was composed of love/God everything was whole, at every moment. I could never be separate from God, I was God, God was inside of me and God was EVERYTHING. This thought gave me so much comfort because I knew I would never be alone. As I was telling this to H she asked me where fear fit into the picture. I instantly knew that fear was only a lack of awareness of love and it is only a flaw of perception. I continued to ponder and gaze at the sky, watching the clouds dance and flow with rainbow iridescence around the moon. Sometimes I felt like I was right up there with them. <br> <br> After a while a light turned on in the school and H told me she thought she saw someone. We were trespassing, so we decided to just leave and not take any chances. We went back to my apartment and I lay on a yoga mat outside and continued to stare at the heavens and talk to her ecstatically. She told me I looked absolutely comfortable and I replied that I was. I decided to paint and began to mix colors randomly and paint an erratic pattern all over the canvas. She told me that she enjoyed how free I was being and I smiled and continued to paint until I was out of space. I didn’t want to come back for awhile and decided to take 2 more hits. I contemplated taking more molly and even some shrooms, but decided not to get too crazy. <br> <br> At this point I began to try to talk to H again about her life because I wanted her to find the peace and love that I had found also. When she spoke to me I could see which parent had given her which specific personality traits and her face actually morphed to portray either parent which I found absolutely crazy. I was still tripping madly at this point and space and time were so skewed that I was having a lot of trouble staying in a linear conversation as my mind was bouncing all over the place.. I told her everything I had realized and that she could have it too. I decided that I would give her the same illumination I had discovered since I had discovered the power of creation by calling it out of the universe. <br> <br> This is when things started to get really crazy. I knew that to transmit the enlightenment I would have to put it into a shape that she could access. I asked her what she wanted to be, what she most clearly identified with, what she was most passionate about- so I could mold the energy into shape for her to access. She kept on replying that she didn’t know and this exasperated and frightened me. For some reason I felt that she was right here experiencing my consciousness with me and couldn’t fathom why she couldn’t see it. She began to get defensive and talked about how she often struggles with depression in life. <br> <br> This is when my trip got really bad. The molly had worn itself through and I realized that it wasn’t coming back. I began to feel like our friendship was over- I was moving on, choosing to live completely in the light, whereas she was still partially enveloped by darkness. I wanted her to come with me but she wasn’t ready, she was still afraid. I thought I would lose her completely and this greatly saddened me-for her sake especially because she wouldn’t understand. All the energy I had called out of the universe to give to her was still hanging over my head, enveloping me. I couldn’t put it back, so I absorbed it and it became all of her fear and sadness. <br> <br> This is when I went to hell. I quickly and shakily said goodnight to H, who was in the process of passing out. She asked if I was ok and I lied because I knew that there was nothing she could do to help me, especially if this is the point I had gotten to trying to help her. I walked out onto my balcony again-I had left the door open and saw my black cat disappear into the darkness. I think she jumped into my neighbor’s balcony but I was tripping so hard I felt like I had lost her forever. This triggered my absolute descent into the lower realms of HELL. I began to feel like absolute shit. I was lost, wandering aimlessly looking for the peace, love, and beauty I had felt before but all I could see was darkness and terror. <br> <br> I tried to go to sleep but felt like H was a giant spider in a cocoon who wove a machine-like web sucking out my soul. I got up and began to pace the house. I tried to do everything I could think of that would make me feel better-meditation, yoga, chakra cleansing, cleaning, painting, singing, dancing, watching planet earth. Nothing helped, I simply couldn’t focus at all on anything I tried. I took some melatonin and gaba pentin to try and kill my trip early so I could sleep and at least find peace there. I wanted to die. I felt like I was eternally trapped by pain and demons began to haunt my thoughts. They sounded like really ghetto trashy fucked up people and kept repeating a barrage of cuss words, shouting into my brain “bitch ass nig motha fucka shithead douchbag asshole fuck fuck fuck..” and so on. I couldn’t make them go away. <br> <br> This madness went on for about 3 hours. Finally I decided to eat because I hadn’t in over 15 hours and felt kind of weak. I fixed myself some really healthy cereal with raisins, strawberries, and raspberries and then went outside to eat it. It was about 7 and the sun had begun to rise in a fuchsia glow behind the clouds. I turned and saw a black flash and my cat reappeared on my balcony and went inside. I felt so much relief with her return I almost cried again. With this sign and the new day I finally found hope and redemption-rebirth. I gazed at the tree out my window and still saw the fractal molecules of love that it was flowing with. I stared at it intently and saw it breathing-full of energy and life. I watched the water vapor molecules that formed clouds in the distance morph and swirl with the wind. They turned into images of people and animals and I saw a historic play take place inside of them. Ancient looking Asian women were washing clothes in a river one moment and then the scene would shift to a tiger hunting its prey, so on so forth. This captivated me and I felt like it was a web of history of the earth. I began to let go of the fear until it was no longer dominating me. After a while visuals stopped and I realized my trip was over. It was now about 8:30 and I was ready to sleep. I smoked a bowl and went to bed. <br> <br> This trip was really complicated. It was the most intense, enlightening, and painful one I had ever had. I spent the complete following day putting my mind back together and coming in terms with reality. It was my first candyflip, first bad acid trip, and most acid I had ever taken. Of these things, it probably won’t be my last. Because I entered a lower realm, I really wanted to try and dose again, but decided to give my mind at least a week or so to recover. Even though the ending was only bittersweet, this trip changed my life for the better. I feel like I truly understand the mysteries of life and my purpose in the puzzle- to give and manifest love. I decided to start attending Kundalini yoga at least twice a week as well as to give smoking weed a break (for the past 3 months I had been smoking incessantly and for the first time in my life began experiencing lapses of memory that comes with THC saturation). I no longer would allow myself to abuse my mind, my body, and my soul by not appreciating marijuana for the sacrament it is. This experience was yesterday, but I have been keeping true to myself so far and intend to hold my enlightenment within and continue tripping periodically to stay in touch with my true nature.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 87422</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 7, 2010</td><td>Views: 120,186</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=87422&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=87422&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Bad Trips (6), Mystical Experiences (9), Relationships (44), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Difficult Experiences (5), Various (28)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> LSD + Yoga = Formula for Therapeutic Healing <br> <br> I have been working with psychoactive substances for four years, having come to psychedelic work after having tried literally dozens of therapies (traditional and alternative) over a lifetime, seeking healing of very early childhood traumatic experiences. The substances used have included MDMA, LSD, and Psilocybin, separately, and in various combinations. My experience of my life as an adult is generally a complete disconnect from my body and any body feelings, which actually feels normal for me. <br> <br> The transition time -- from commencement of my journey work (when I am most out of body) to being taken into my body by substance -- has always been difficult for me (anxiety and fear). During a previous journey (3 tabs LSD and one tab of MDMA), I thought that I might reduce some of the transition anxiety by starting off doing something that gets me into my body fairly effectively – Yoga. I began a 45-minute practice immediately upon dosing. This method seemed to substantially eliminate my transition anxiety, and also yielded some dramatic and exciting body releases in a pose that was usually troublesome for me (Down Dog). But the MDMA felt overly medicative, and because I found myself dissociating through most of the journey, I was not able to explore the full potential of the Yoga work during that journey. I was eager to try this experiment again with just the LSD, and had the opportunity two weeks later. <br> <br> This journey I reduced the dosage to 2.5 tabs of LSD. I began on an extremely empty stomach at 8 pm. As before, I began to practice my Yoga immediately upon dosing. I went through my practice for 30 minutes. This time there was no noticeable effect. My mind is frequently subjected to exaggerated Obsessive Compulsive loops during journey work, which is expressed by the need to compulsively repeat a previously successful experience, and I panic when it does not follow the route my mind thinks the journey should take. I took a break, listened to some music, and then came back to the Yoga mat. I calmed myself by telling myself that I had lots of time, all night, and then simply started the Yoga workout again from the beginning. The time was 9 pm -- one hour in. <br> <br> This time, the effects were immediately and profoundly different. I found it very hard to transition from one pose to another, since each pose I entered had so much going on in it. Each pose was an intimate exploration. Each pose was its own virtual universe -- mesmerizing. I would find my body moving of its own accord to adjust in the pose, and most of the adjustments felt completely surprising to me – ways my body had never set into before. Yet, in many of them, as my body would self-adjust, I could suddenly recall a yoga teacher recommending to me or to other students that exact adjustment, but never experiencing it as relevant to myself or my body. And with each automatic and surprising adjustment, I would exclaim “Oh! That’s what he meant!” And it would feel totally good, and right, and pleasurable. I did not want to leave each pose for the next because of how good each pose felt. <br> <br> In the style I’m now studying (the Anasura style), our teacher continually brings us back to Adho Mukha Svanasana (Down Dog), which is where we start and where we end each sequence. And following this pattern, I kept coming back to Down Dog. And I kept staying in Down Dog longer and longer. The pull to that pose just seemed to be more and more compelling. Finally, I stopped moving into other poses altogether, and just stayed in Down Dog. Strange things started happening to my shoulders – they were reconfiguring in the pose, self-adjusting in a way that made them stronger, allowing me to stay in the pose longer. My legs were vibrating. It became harder and harder to keep the pose, but something told me to keep working in it. My arms and shoulders ached, more and more. I continued to stay. My breathing began quickening. And then, the screams came – screams of terror that had been bound up in my shoulders since infancy. I dropped out of the pose to scream into a pillow (to muffle the sound from neighbors, and to protect my throat), and released, and released. <br> <br> When I was done, I walked around for a few minutes, feeling kind of dazed, but thrilled -- excited at the depth and power of the release. Then I went back to Down Dog, and did it all over again. Again, the movement deeper into the pose, just hanging out, until the breath started quickening, and then a huge emotional release. I repeated this sequence another two or three times, each time dropping down into a pillow to release more and more of the terror that had been held into very tight musculature in my shoulders. <br> <br> In an almost experimental mode, I moved on to Uttanasana (forward bend), to try to work very tight hamstrings, which were vibrating in Down Dog, but not releasing. The effects in forward bend were also dramatic and profound. The tight hamstrings were frozen because they holding me up – they were doing the job of my lower-back-side-muscles, which were not available because they, in turn, were trying to do the job of the lower-side-abdominals. These lower-side-abdominals were not available for my structural use because they were no longer doing the job of a muscle, but rather they were a holding tank -- holding in deep, deep sobs. And when the forward bend began to melt the hamstrings, all of this unwound – the hamstrings released, the back side muscles let go, then the front side muscles opened up, and deep sobbing began releasing from the sides of my gut. I could feel each part of this layered patchwork of musculature band-aid unwind and release with the sobbing. The sobbing was so deep, and so profound, that I threw up (nothing to throw up, of course, but a lot of emotional release). <br> <br> Next were some very gentle and unexciting twists (simply laying on my back with the knees bent, legs to one side). These “unexciting” twists turned into glory. I felt my whole spine simply relax and unwind, releases all up and down, and in my hips, and I started laughing. There was laughter bound up in my hips and lower spine, and the twist, allowed this, too, to release. I was laughing, joyously, for between 10 and 15 minutes. <br> <br> All of this took place during the second hour. <br> <br> This was when I had the most significant insight of the journey, and that was this: <br> <br> ------ Every pose was a healing ------ <br> <br> When even the simple twist yielded a release, I then understood that every single pose I could do would lead me to some place in my body where I had stuck energy, or unreleased emotions, or locked-in trauma. If I was in a pose, and I wasn’t feeling joy in the pose, that was the sign that I had something stuck there. All I had to do was to stay in the pose, keep breathing, and automatically, I would work my way down to whatever might be stuck, and, using my breath, it would work its way out of my system through some sort of vocal release. <br> <br> And so I went back to Down Dog. My mind told me I’d already done the work. That there was nothing there. It felt good being in the pose, but nothing else was going to come up. That I should try something else. I started to quicken my breathing. My mind told me that it wasn’t working. Then my mind confirmed that it wasn’t working. My breathing started to quicken even more. And my mind kept confirming that it wasn’t working, right up until the split moment that most powerful screams of terror came out of the deepest part of my center. And they continued into the pillow for another full minute. I had never released that deeply. I was shaken, and a little stunned. And five minutes later, I was back in Down Dog. And there was my mind telling me all over again that nothing was going to happen. And I had an even bigger release. <br> <br> My mind kept playing the same game. And I kept going back. And I kept having these huge releases. Finally, after bruising my nose trying to drop into the pillow when the screams started, I just piled up some pillows right under my nose so I could stay in the pose and do my screaming without breaking the pose (and without disturbing my neighbors). <br> <br> I would take breaks during this process. There was huge energy being expended, but I had been working on my stamina for several months to be able to do this work, and now it was paying off. It did not matter if I felt too tired to do another Down Dog. It did not matter if I “felt” like there was anything there to release. It did not matter if I felt like doing anything at all. It was all rather automatic (but not at all in any kind of disconnected way – rather, it was all VERY connected). All I had to do was move into the pose, keep breathing, completely ignore what my mind was telling me and stay in the pose, and the release would come. Finally, at about hour four it felt like I had really done all the releasing I was going to do in Down Dog for the evening. <br> <br> Hour five: Now I finally felt I could move into Pigeon pose (one knee cocked underneath with other leg extended back). Again the same type of release – the mind denying, avoiding, dismissing -- right up until the very second of release of more fear out of the hips. <br> <br> Switch sides. This time, on the second side of Pigeon, the mind was even more insistent on avoiding any release. As I negotiated with my mind, I told my mind that since I was not feeling joy in the pose, I was damn well going to stay there until I had my release. And so my mind said, ok let’s feel the joy – and I felt the hip release into a place of pleasure. But I also felt something really weird happen. It felt like a snake traveling up from my hips through my back into my shoulders – literally. As my hips relaxed and released without any type of expression coming out though my breath, this serpentine thing that felt bizarrely but realistically like a snake wound its way up my back and deposited itself into my shoulders, which promptly tightened and started feeling locked and almost painful. WTF? Back to Down Dog. And then, an incredibly huge release of screaming (pain) out of my shoulders. <br> <br> This demonstrated to me that a locked-in emotion in one part of the body could be moved out of one part of the body, but it would not be released unless it was given a vocalized expression of that emotion. Instead, it would simply migrate to another part of the body, there to become part of the held-in-tension and eventual solidification of the musculature, unless and until released. <br> <br> By 2:00 am, I felt I had done some of the most powerful and sustained emotional release work of my life. I was not tired, nor was I wiped out, but I felt deeply grounded, and I felt good. My body felt different. I was walking differently. Because the hamstrings were now no longer being used to keep the sides locked in (which kept them rigid and locked), they were released and available for walking, which allowed my legs to have a spring that allowed my knees to bend with a flexibility I had never felt before. All this allowed my hips to move in ways that I also had never experienced before. <br> <br> I ended my journey at 2:30 am by eating a light meal. I was feeling like I had done many journeys’ worth of work in this single evening, and, even though a typical journey for me lasts from 8-10 hours, I called it a night at 5.5 hours. <br> <br> Most exciting for me was possibility that I had found a “formula.” A way to do the work that did not require anything of my mind to “get it right,” or to “try” to achieve some result that might not happen. It was as simple as a mathematical formula: <br> LSD + Yoga Pose + Breath + Time = Release. (Pillow optional.) <br> Years of release in a single night. <br> This was the most powerful work I’ve done. I hope this report helps others who are use this kind of work to find the deeply unconscious places that remain hidden to ordinary methods of healing. <br> <br> Additional notes: <br> I have studied Iyengar Yoga for several years. There are many types of yoga and many types of teachers. Some types are less concerned with precision and placement in the poses than others. I, for myself, found that having Iyengar Yoga’s grounding in precision, placement, and sequencing was very important for my work that evening. I did find during the journey that there was a correct way to do a pose, and, while my body would often find its way to that correct pose entirely on its own, much of my grounding in the Iyengar work helped me move far more quickly towards the pose I needed to be in, and with confidence that I would not hurt myself in the process. I do not have the experience to recommend any style over another since I have only worked in the two styles mentioned herein. I offer only that a Yoga school that is more meticulous about correct positioning in poses might be an advantage in this type of work. <br> <br> My breathing during this work was simply normal breathing. The quickening of the breath that immediately preceded the releases was mostly involuntarily, although sometimes I had the perception that I had initiated it voluntarily. That perception may have been the mind trying to take credit for anything it could grab onto as a way of minimizing (to itself) its utter lack of control over the work, but that, too, did not seem to matter. I surmise that people deeply experienced in using breathwork, such as pranayama, might find an even more profound doorway into these deep places, but I do not have experience or training to offer that report.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 66904</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Feb 17, 2011</td><td>Views: 31,217</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=66904&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=66904&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Yoga / Bodywork (202) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Glowing Experiences (4), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">55 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> On January 12, 2008, I had an LSD experience that would change my view on the world for good. More than just feelings of pleasure and pain, it had the sheer force of intensity to it, and my complete surrendering to whatever came along. My only desire being to see things for what they truly were. <br> <br> Now this was around my twentieth trip on acid, and I had been taking it regularly, once or twice a month for about a year, thinking I had seen most of what the drug had to offer. It had taken me about five trips to realize that I was best when taking LSD alone in my apartment, apart from the raves, parties and night clubs which most of my friends would choose as a setting. Over the course of all this acid experimentation in 2007, I acquired a clear sense of direction and purpose in life, readjusting myself dramatically to the things I thought were in fact worth fighting for. <br> <br> I quit a four year addiction to Klonopin, lost complete interest in alcohol, marijuana and tobacco; found my soul dwelling in the arts as I rediscovered painting and classical music. Actually, I quit my language course in the university to try a major in piano, realizing that I had spent my teenage years too fearfully to affirm my artistic identity, and that the track I had been leading would surely lead me to undeniable frustration. My hermitage also grew considerably and social interaction became an ever greater task, as I substantially found myself on another plain of thought and interest, I could no longer go out with my friends to just “hang out”, neither submit myself to any passiveness towards daily life. I felt like there was a bubbling, active volcano, erupting inside of me, pleading for artistic productivity and disciplined dedication to musical studies, and that there was no time to lose, no time to be spent fooling around. <br> <br> I must also point out that three months after my first hit, I developed intense tracers, light and noise sensibility, a wavery vision in which nothing stands still for too long and some phases of stomach clenching anxiety. Symptoms I later related to what is called to be HPPD. There was something else I can only call “enhanced thinking”, as my imagination and creative powers sparkled to an unprecedented level of output causing me to put a lot of faith in the my artistic development as a whole. Interesting enough, as these HPPD symptoms sky-rocketed, my interest in LSD only grew stronger. <br> <br> In January 2008, I acquired 8 hits of a blotter I had not yet tried. At about 10:30, on a sunshine Saturday morning, alone in my fourteenth floor apartment about 50 meters from the Brazilian coastline, I took one of these hits. And within 50 minutes I realized that something very different was at play, as reality began a slow and unstoppable path towards disintegration. The trip came 4 to 5 times stronger than I had ever tripped before, and the well known apartment which I had been living for the past three years morphed into uncharted, unexplored territory. <br> <br> Now something inexplicable happens to me when I take acid that my piano and painting techniques burst ridiculously with expression, something I could never really match while being sober, and for that reason tend to have a frustrating outcome. But I never give up trying, having the drug showed me what I’m capable of. On this particular trip, there was very little playing, no panting at all. I could barely move is most of what I can say. With six to seven thoughts in my head all at once, there was very little room for action or decision making. <br> <br> As lunch time arrived, I grew increasingly hungry and headed for the kitchen where I spent the next two pain-tasking hours trying to prepare myself a meal. By that time I was being repeatedly struck with very different, contrasting emotions of great bliss and great sorrow. It was as if I was an actor being shoved with every possible role-play, and feeling beneath the skin all the possible emotions that human beings are capable of feeling. <br> <br> As the effects continued gaining in strength, I realized I would glimpse both heaven and hell, and the kitchen I was in was no longer a kitchen, but a swamp, with broad leaf petals and a misty, fog type atmosphere. As I looked at the garbage can, I envisioned multiple insect, worm-like creatures feasting on rotting food. And then suddenly, I could see my body, a pale-grayish body lying on dirt, dead, rotting as well, being feasted on by worms and flies. I felt my fleshy body intensely and took into account that my hands, skin, eyes, and all the fleshy meat that made me be would one day be eaten by these slow chewing worms, and that the lives of these worms depended on my fleshy meat, just as I depended on the ingestion of other living creatures to live as well. <br> <br> And then it hit me, like a bomb, like a surprising explosion of truth… That if all life were to be made one, it must continuously feed upon itself to sustain its existence. Figuratively speaking, one must chew one’s own arm to give one’s leg the possibility of growth. I cannot blame mosquitoes for thirsting for my blood, no matter what conditions life gives us, it’s only natural that life wants to live, and it’ll move out of its way to do so, no matter the costs. <br> <br> With such ideas in mind, the meat and beans that I finally managed to serve on my plate had a different tone to them. Needless to say I rejected the meat, chewing on it felt like chewing on my own. I ate the beans or else hunger would have certainly sent me on a downwards spiral. <br> <br> There was a point in the trip in which the magnitude of the experience looked down at me from up above. I no longer had control of its directions and my ego was washed away. I didn’t know who I was, and this feeling of a lost identity was frightening at first, but then everything all around was so abundant with endless streams of possibility, I didn’t care who I was. The marvel of not being in character was just fine with me. And in that ego-lost state, I realized how the fabric of life was indeed the fabric of a dream, and one’s life could be a good dream or a bad dream, but still a dream, made true by the endless “life eats life” cycle. <br> <br> At about 4 hours after ingestion, I felt utterly alive, with streams of vibrations flowing through my body, I could not really locate where my body was. There was a definite body-mind split which made me exist thoroughly in thought. And I felt like a kid about 4 years old, with a big honest smile on his face, longing for a playground, a place to play his life away. And playing gave life meaning, the joy of spilling energy for a cause that found purpose in itself, not needing any justification other than the sheer desire to play. I understood how important it was to be in peace with one’s self in order to have a better life quality. The song they sing to us when we’re kids: “Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merely, merely, merely, merely, life is but a dream.”, proved to take in tremendous amounts of wisdom. <br> <br> All along the experience, faces and gestures of people would flash in front of me. I’d wonder who they were. I’d have an infinite amount of empathy for the faces I saw, wanting to hug them, and pour myself into them in a great gesture of love. I would then see myself as a very old man, watching my grandchildren (or just kids in general) playing in a park or something, having fun. And I would feel like god, wanting to create a world better than our own, a place where more smiles and less suffering would be seen. <br> <br> About nine hours into the experience, I gradually started to come down and resumed creative activities, playing each note on the piano with great delicacy and love, music being made an essential aspect of my life. I felt as if I had survived something great, and had gotten a peak of something even greater. Most of all there was a prevailing feeling in me that there is more suffering in life than is made plausible, and that a lot of this suffering shows to no utility at all. I also longed for the impossible: the ability to not depend on other living beings to myself be and began to wonder if I’d ever find a realm in which such was made possible. <br> <br> That night I did not sleep, I was not sleepy at all. The stillness of the late night hours gave a feeling that everything was in its right place, like a calm sea after a heavy storm, a feeling of harmony and understanding, that I knew my place in the universe and that there was nothing to fear. Somehow I believed that if the person I am role-playing while journeying on planet earth ever reached his fullest potential, this role-playing me would die a complete death, and the characterless, egoless me that embodied myself would gladly move on to a state of unbeing, or being on a realm not as harsh as than the one found on planet earth. <br> <br> Maybe life on earth is an acid trip in itself, with good trips and bad trips, pleasure and pain, and a lot to teach us about who we are and what we’re after. A real test of endurance not meant for the weak-hearted, but what all this striving is meant for... one must answer oneself. The meaning of life is most likely the meaning we give to it.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 73418</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 30, 2008</td><td>Views: 368,554</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=73418&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=73418&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), HPPD / Lasting Visuals (40), Mystical Experiences (9), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> Two weeks ago I had my first experience with LSD, in other words, I took an acid trip. I am no stranger to drugs, however I started a little late in life with most of them, relatively speaking. I did not start experimenting with drugs until I was about 26, and I am now 30. I regularly partake in marijuana, and I've also done ecstasy, MDA, and mushrooms. Most of my experiences have been positive, and my first LSD trip was no exception. <br> <br> A friend of mine had some blotter paper of what is apparently referred to as '24-hour acid.' He had just been laid off from his job and would be playing the unemployment game for awhile and he wanted to celebrate the end of an era, so to speak. So my friend, his girlfriend and I planned a weekend to trip together. We hung out at their apartment for awhile, had a couple bags from the Volcano (vaporized weed, for those not in the know), and ate a hearty lunch to prepare for the trip. We also did a little yoga and breathing exercises to put us in a good mind-space for the journey ahead. <br> <br> After lunch, at about 1:30 pm, we dosed and took a walk through their beautiful neighborhood in Seattle and walked down to Lake Washington. As we walked I began to notice that my depth of vision was becoming slightly more acute and detailed. I began to feel more open, a little elated, and just very slightly anxious. As we walked along the water, we followed a trail that led to a small pond where a mama duck was supervising her family of ducklings as they swam around their own private little pond away from all the activity along the shore. I noticed how in tune with the scene I felt, as if the ducks were playing out their little family drama much like a human family would. This theme would recur to me throughout the evening. It was absolutely beautiful and serene. <br> <br> We made our way back home and the feelings of openness and elation only intensified as we walked. I began to break away from my friends and go into my head a little more. I felt a light, anesthetized feeling throughout my body, and it occurred to me that we'd been walking nearly two hours, yet I didn't really feel sore or tired. We finally reached the apartment and started hanging out in my friends' living room. After awhile, I started to notice some very subtle undulating patterns starting to develop wherever I looked. I was still so relaxed and the visuals were so subtle, however, that I was starting to think that I had not taken enough. It was only after 4 hours that I really felt that I was 'tripping balls' as the experience is often so eloquently described. The entire peak experience would then last until about 3 am, so it was a long ride. <br> <br> Once I was feeling the full effects, I definitely started to have some fun with the visuals. At one point I looked down at the carpet as I went up and down on the tips of my toes. Every time I came down, the carpet appeared to be rippling, as if I were standing on water. Overall, though, the visual element of the experience was a lot less intense than I had expected. What was most intriguing was the feeling that I had been lifted out of my body, as if I was floating slightly above my body, aware that I was in it but existing somewhat outside of it on a mental level. The body seems to be somewhat anesthetized during the experience, and physical sensations could be very jarring. At one point, as I laid on the floor of my friends' living room, I was so bereft of physical sensation and awareness, it felt as if I were floating on clouds. A slight brush from another person or an object was startling because it could bring me back from a far off place in my mind. <br> <br> At one point I ate some strawberries, figuring I should abate any hunger that might come, although I was not hungry until the next morning. At one point I said 'I am peripherally aware of the notion that I may be getting hungry, but I'm not sure I want to contend with that right now.' The whole experience of eating was very confusing while tripping. Taste was not enhanced but subdued, and the sensations inherent in digesting were entirely foreign. At one point I tried to pee, and looked down at my penis. For the first time in my life I looked down at this appendage that has so much importance in a man's life, and all I saw was a random body part, the uses of which I was only vaguely aware, and the process of peeing was rather difficult as I had to sort of relearn that whole let-the-body-take-over thing. My relationship to my body was akin to the mindset of a celestial, non-corporeal being that was inhabiting the body of a human for a short time and being thoroughly confused by the experience. <br> <br> From a mental perspective, my thought patterns were definitely askew. I went to very interesting places that I had not been before in my own mind: perspectives that I had not considered, a sense of overall awareness that was strangely unknown and yet familiar at the same time. My mind felt clear, and pure, untainted or contaminated by social conventions or negative mind chatter, which unfortunately has been an issue I've contended with for much of my life. I had an incisive and eloquent vocabulary when speaking that I'd not had since my college days. Nearly all of my thought patterns, and thus our conversations, were macrocosmic and holistic. I felt a tremendous sense of peace and clarity, and I felt powerful in the wholeness of my self, as if I had come home to a self that had always been present, but was not able to break free of all of the limitations imposed upon it by the ego (i.e., all of the crap I convince myself of as a result of what I assume to be true about reality and consciousness). <br> <br> At one point I allowed myself to go to a very far off place. I stood in my friends' living room, but in my mind I was floating in space, surrounded by celestial bodies and stars upon stars. I felt completely peaceful and had no conception of any physical or corporeal boundaries, as if I simply existed and could spread out to every molecule and atom in all of the surrounding space. Just as I reached this ultimate point of bliss, I felt a sensation in my arms, and an unseen force literally lifted my arms above my head. I was a little freaked out by the fact that my arms lifted above my head as the result of a force that was not of my making, but I immediately opened my eyes and my friends started talking to me and somehow it felt perfectly natural. That is probably the most intensely non-physical I felt during the entire experience. <br> <br> As a result of this mental clarity and focus, many of the life issues that I grapple with and that I expected to confront during this trip simply seemed to fall away as if they never mattered at all. I had a few moments where I attempted to figure out some of the patterns I had been pervasively allowing myself to perpetuate in my daily life, and made some good progress, but this being a peak experience, I knew I was not going to solve all my life's problems in a day. Still, the trip allowed me to confront these issues with more insight and perspective than I have in a long while, and it was tremendously helpful. <br> <br> Patterns are what I noticed a lot of during the trip. Patterns in society, patterns in my life, visual patterns, it was a dominant theme of the night for me. I also kept coming back to the idea that all of the concern and worry I had about my life (not enough money, job I don't like that much, turning 30 and still not having a significant other) and about the world (global warming, politics, the megalomaniacal machinations of the governments of the world) were useless and represented a hindrance to my own personal development. After all, as Shakespeare said 'All the world's a stage, and the men and women only players.' I saw the entire world as the continual playing out of the great human drama, and we all have our parts to play. All of us are living our lives, going about our business, doing good or bad things, fulfilling our place in the world and learning our life lessons. I sort of gave myself up to the inevitability of it all and found the beauty in the moment, relishing my momentary experience amidst the infinite spectrum of time and space, if there even are such things. <br> <br> As the night wore on, our conversations tended to move toward an overall theme that life simply is, and there is no questioning, no why we exist, no ultimate answer to our purpose here. There simply is life and we are a part of it. What more do you need? The ultimate answer is that there should be no question. As Yoda tells Luke Skywalker: 'No, no, there is no why. Nothing more will I teach you today.' <br> <br> Again, the theme of the great human drama came up, as my friend at one point stated that sometimes she feels guilty when she thinks about living in America, having easy access to housing, food and transportation. She imagines the people in Mexico or other places living in squalor and wonders what makes her so different than them. I responded to her by telling her that what separates her from them is nothing and everything; nothing, in that we are all a part of the same universal consciousness, apart of the same world, doing what we need to do to survive and trying to find happiness. On the other hand, everything separates us from them in that we are singular beings resultant from our own experiences. We've lived in different places, like different music, have different values and are pursuing our own paths. We are where we are because that is where we are supposed to be and there should be no guilt associated with that. This is the kind of thinking and conversations we shared during our trip together. <br> <br> Another aspect I noticed about the trip was a greater psychic sense. Between the three of us, there were several times when we would sense what the other was thinking, or speak telepathically. Sometimes my friend would ask if she had just said something aloud, or simply thought it, and we would have to reassure her that she actually spoke. This is how in tune we were and how confusing spoken language could be at times during the trip. I am not sure how much the nature of our relationship had to bear on this aspect of the trip (we are all very close), but I would guess that not everyone experiences psychic enhancement to this degree. It would be interesting to see how many others share this psychic acuity when dosing. <br> <br> At about 3 am, I noticed that I was slowly coming back down into my body and the physical effects were starting to wear off, although I was definitely still experiencing a different mindset than normal. I think we decided to start watching movies at a certain point because we were just completely exhausted but could not hope to sleep any time soon. We watched 'Wayne's World 2' (stupid comedies are definitely the best for LSD come downs in my opinion) and sort of dozed in and out through 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.' At about 5 am we decided to try to sleep. I slept on the couch and relaxed, allowing my mind to go to all sorts of places, thinking about the relationships I have with all of my friends and family. At one point I had been off in my mind so much that when I returned, not only could I not remember what I had been thinking about, but I also couldn't tell if I'd been asleep or not. I then decided that I had not been asleep as I just didn't feel like my mind was inactive enough to allow it. <br> <br> By 9 am we started getting up. Despite not having slept, I felt very refreshed, and it was an absolutely beautiful sunny morning (rare in Seattle, even in summer). So I took a walk around the neighborhood, weaving in and out of the suburban streets, completely open and peaceful, taking in everything I saw, from the birds and squirrels to the trees and the people who happened to be out living their lives. I felt as if I was watching it all from a state of unattached bliss, yet also completely part of it. It was probably one of the first times in a long while that I can say I truly lived in the moment and felt totally alive. Another thing I noticed was that my depth perception and visual detail were still enhanced, as if I was seeing for the first time. This has not subsided even after more than two weeks. I felt like Neo in 'The Matrix' when he complains that his eyes hurt after initially waking up in the 'real world' and Morpheus responds 'You've never used them before.' I had just watched 'The Matrix' again the day before dosing, and let me tell you it took on a whole new level of meaning for me to say the least. <br> <br> Once I returned from my walk around 11 am, my friends were up and around. I was totally over the experience physically, and felt completely normal. My buddy felt the same (he had taken acid dozens of times before), although his girlfriend was actually still tripping a bit and not feeling normal again yet (her second trip). I was actually surprised how normal I felt. After watching a few more movies ('Grandma's Boy' is so fucking hilarious) and sharing a few more bags from the Volcano, I went home. <br> <br> I found going home to be a little odd. It was around 3 pm and I had to work the next day. I was totally exhausted, as I had been awake for 31 hours, but I didn't want to go to bed quite yet because I knew I wouldn't sleep through the night. I tried to watch TV, but I found everything on television to be completely uninteresting. I had no interest in the three Netflix movies I had on my dining table, so I sealed them up to mail. I ended up lazing about, listening to music, trying to read a little and finally went to bed at 8 pm, after 36 hours of being awake. <br> <br> During the night, I woke up at one point and heard a tremendous and horrible sound, like an air siren that signals an air raid such as can be heard at the beginning of 'War Pigs' on Black Sabbath's Paranoid album. It was deafening. I got up out of bed and went to the window to get a look, when all of a sudden I woke up again (for real, apparently) and bolted up out of bed in shock. All was completely silent and I heard none of my neighbors up or walking around, and only after several minutes was I able to accept that the air siren had been a dream of some sort, as it had seemed so real. I went back to sleep at that point, and woke up a few hours later, still totally exhausted but ready to go to work nonetheless. I certainly could have used another day, and would recommend having at least two days after initially dosing before having to go to work. <br> <br> Since my experience, I have noticed how quiet my mind is. I have been able to retain the senses of self-empowerment, serenity and in-the-moment living that I had experienced during the trip. I have canceled my cable services because my interest in television had not returned after a week. I have set about to write more, as I have been attempting to motivate myself to do for some time. I have also been totally compelled to start studying Zen Buddhism, and I bought several books on the subject. I recommend 'Introduction to Zen Buddhism' by D.T. Suzuki for anyone interested in Zen. It was an excellent starting point. I have already incorporated a small amount of Yoga and Meditation in my life, and studied other forms of Buddhism; however I had not really studied Zen until about two weeks ago, just after the trip. It just seems like the way I would like to live from now on; more in tune with the moment and with all of the beauty of the world, with less attachment to possessions and money. <br> <br> Perhaps my experience was so positive and helpful because I am older, and had already been to places in my mind that had broken many boundaries, helping me to begin the process of transcending the ego and learning that the only limits to our reality and our consciousness are the assumptions we make and the limits we place upon ourselves. Most importantly, however, was the setting of my trip. I was with the two people I am closest to in my life, in an apartment I had spent time in constantly. It is a place of supreme comfort and familiarity, which is a huge factor in having a good experience on LSD, or so I am told by many. My friends were totally accepting of everything I said and did, just allowing me to make the experience my own and let it help me as I needed, in conjunction with our collective sharing of the experience. <br> <br> Personally, I think LSD should be used more often by people who constantly worry about all the little things in life. I also think it should be used therapeutically. Imagine if one's psychotherapist recommended that he go on an acid trip and then have a session, or during a session. I have to say, I've had my experience with depression and relying on a slew of anti-depressants, and they were dark, horrible years. Anti-depressants not only did very little to ease my depression at the time, they usually gave me insomnia or body twitches. I got more benefit from one acid trip than I did from two years of trying 5 or 6 different pharmaceuticals. It's too bad LSD has such a terrible stigma, as I've since discovered when I share this experience with those who've never done it. It was a wholly positive and liberating experience for me. I certainly don't plan on making a lifestyle out of it, but I can honestly say that I am certainly open to trying it again, but not for a long while. Perhaps I will not feel the need to dose again as I continue my practices with Zen, but after such a positive experience, I am certainly willing to consider another acid trip if the opportunity presents itself. <br> <br> --August 19, 2007<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 76483</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Mar 11, 2011</td><td>Views: 84,747</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=76483&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=76483&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Mystical Experiences (9), Nature / Outdoors (23), Relationships (44), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">6 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">170 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I became interested in psychedelic drugs in the winter of 2005, and having had multiple experiences with mushrooms and LSD at lower doses, I decided during mid March of 2006 that I was ready for a step up. I spent a few hours on Saturday morning cleaning up, I ate a light meal (I believe it was cold pizza) and at 2:40 in the afternoon I ate my last 6 hits of blotter acid. <br> <br> I considered myself a fairly seasoned psychonaut at the time, and I recognized the initial onset of the condition roughly fifteen minutes later. Colors became sharper, and sounds took on a strange ethereal quality. I walked into the den, encouraged. It was a large room, with a hardwood floor and a fireplace. I felt certain that this was the right room in which to begin my journey, and so I reclined on the couch and fell into a relaxed, mellow state. That was when I began to hear singing. It started as a sweet humming sound, like a barbershop quartet tuning up, only at very low volume. The sound began to rise, and the tone began to change. The windows were slightly open, and a cool breeze began blowing the curtains from the window, It seemed to me at the time that there was a whole invisible choir in the room, and each change of the light wrought its own change upon the tune. It grew and grew, and soon instruments were thrown into this beautiful choral mix. I began to search in vain for the source of the sound, but as I moved the music grew around me. Soon I recognized that the sound was coming from me, and from all the life around me. The music was the embodiment of life, and spirit, and joy. Everything I saw added to this beautiful melody. I went into another room, a hallway this time, and a few soaring violin notes accompanied me. The mellow feeling gave way to a kind of curious energy, as if I was using awe itself as fuel. <br> <br> For the next thirteen hours, I was enthralled by the beauty of life as I had not been in over a decade. Color seemed to thrive in this new, alien world! The entirety of the rainbow glared at me from every corner. I saw colors I couldn't name, colors that I've never seen replicated. It was as if I had never seen color. I looked out the window towards the bay, and grasped the size of the universe in a new way. A vast map formed inside my head, earth, and the planets, and the sun and stars and space beyond. It grew ever larger, and an arrow appeared over the grain of sand the earth had become, an arrow with the words 'You are Here' hovering almost comically above. I snapped back to reality, or what my reality had become, and took a few moments to clear my head. While I was recovering from the sheer size of the void, a white swing caught my eye. A red cardinal had perched on the right hand arm-rest and the colors were so sharp and clean that they almost hurt to look at. I thought it seemed very realistic, then laughed to myself. After all, it was real life! My mental processes seemed remarkably clear, and I began to 'toy' with ideas in my head. I was fascinated by my new found ability to take a blueprint, and picture it as an actual object. I am not nor will I ever be a mechanically- inclined person, but today it seemed not to matter. I built entire houses out of thought, being able to cross-section and dissect them with ease. Even such complex instruments as jet engines could be effortlessly mentally re-constructed. After playing in the sandbox that my brain had become for some time, I opened the back door and headed out onto the patio. <br> <br> Trees and grass were moving in a way I had never seen before, above the surface of the ocean. Branches and leaves seemed to burn with motion, each becoming a hazy, insubstantial blur as they moved. 'Like kelp, but not' I said out loud. It occurred to me that I was talking to myself, and had been for quite some time, and a fresh gale of laughter overtook me. Each old and familiar sight was altered, changed somehow as to make it appear completely new and wonderful. I looked up at the sky, curious, and was greeted by the sight of a vast cerulean ocean. It was a very clear day, and both the moon and the sun were visible, and they both screamed and competed for my attention. A jet soared overhead, and it left a great plume of rainbow exhaust all the way across the sky. As I watched, the jet passed cleanly through the moon and out the other side, creating momentary chaos. The sky changed entirely, becoming first darker and then lighter. Colors sprang from nowhere, and disappeared just as quickly. I knew how easy it would be to forget everything and watch the sky patiently until the end of time, but I had other things planned for the day. I looked at an oak, and saw that each leaf was in fact a diffuse, green light. The green gave way to blue, which in turn gave way to yellow. These changes continued at a fairly predictable rate, and I realized that I had control over them! <br> <br> Suddenly it seemed that the outside world was on my side, and I was safe and in control. I felt completely at peace. It was a warm day, but even if it had been freezing I doubt if I would have felt it. Eventually I decided to return to the house before I forgot how to move. It sounds silly to me looking back now, but at the time it seemed to be very possible. Given the sensory over stimulation of the situation, I'm not entirely surprised. <br> <br> I ventured back inside and turned the t.v on, browsing at large. It started to become complicated as the buttons began to change, sometimes as part of a pattern, sometimes at random. A short time later, they began to drift from the face of the remote itself! Laughing like a loon, I tossed the oddity of a remote back onto the table, where the clean grain of the cherry wood swam over it and devoured it. I smirked at this odd sight, completely at ease, and refocused my attention on the movie. It was an old favorite of mine, but I found vision being routinely drawn away to a large, white wall on my right. I eventually gave up watching the t.v to focus my full attention on the wall. Complicated fractal and runic patterns would arise spontaneously on its surface, only to be seconds later subducted into the ether. Chaos would destroy order, which would instantly arise in another form. I saw planets rise and fall, stars form, reason melt and the very fabric of the universe be torn open, to spontaneously be pulled back into the plasma of the wall, and then spit back out in another form. At times I could only interpret the colors as noise, the sounds as color. I could visibly see the music from the clock radio on the counter traveling from point to destination, but I could not for the life of me make out the digital readout of the clock. I became very preoccupied with time, and dimension. Such intangible concepts to me were like solid objects, visible things that could be touched and seen. <br> <br> If it were possible to break an acid trip down into words, the sheer volume of words would be staggering. Hundreds of ideas cross the brain in seconds, weaving a complicated spider's web that seem to fit perfectly together, although they share few common characteristics. Color and light seem as different sides of the same coin, striving in some cases for balance, and in other cases for contrast. I decided to listen to some music without the radio, and in seconds was conducting full symphonies in my head, adding and changing instruments on the fly to produce intricate and pleasing melodies. All the electronic gadgets in the world seemed inferior to that wonderful internal toolkit I was only now receiving full access to. Soon the audible mental orchestra gave way to a visible one, and I imagined myself to be in a concert hall, watching a group of celestial beings play instruments unlike any I had ever seen before. It was purely a mental picture, but something in its aspect reminded me so strongly of real life that I began to wonder if I had been granted a true vision of some other dimension. Realizing the answer to this question would always escape me, I endeavored to think it over anyway, with disappointing results After some time of this, I realized it was quickly approaching sunset, a sight I did not intend to miss. <br> <br> I ventured outside again and felt my breath leave my throat. I was enraptured. The sky that had been so perfectly, absolutely blue only a few hours ago was now a violet so gorgeous and benign that the strength left my knees and I sat loudly on the ground with a loud 'oomph!' sound. This violet color was reflected on the surface of the water as an intense, fiery orange. The sun itself had turned a red so deep it seemed a burning ball of blood in the sky. All around, waves of colored smoke-light (it had the characteristics of both) began to caper and dance. They distinctly seemed to be sentient, and benevolent. I reached my hand into one of them and at that point I had an epiphany. I realized that nothing is unimportant, and everything matters. For some people this might seem obvious, but the idea struck me at the time as being crucial, and central to my own personal beliefs. The sun finished its performance, and the stars made their way onto the stage. The sky became a vast, black painted sheet of canvas, and the stars gleamed like cold jewels in the night sky. They rippled and undulated, as if they were pleased with their own beauty. <br> <br> I sat there, totally unable to move for an indeterminate amount of time, watching the night silently explode with color and life. Beauty enveloped me, rolled over me like a wave. The clouds began to race across the shining orange surface of the moon, surrounding it in a halo of the purest gold. This gold light bounced off the surface of the water, lending an silver gleam to every moist blade of grass. The night itself seemed to beckon me, it was totally engrossing. I watched and I walked, but I didn't speak, not wanting the spoken word to mar the beauty of the night world. I wandered for a while, oblivious to both the growing coolness in the air and the emptiness of my stomach. I didn't seem to need food, the night provided more than enough to sustain me. I wandered for hours, thinking of many things, and basking in the beauty of the night. <br> <br> Eventually, the maniac energy which had possessed me throughout the day gave way to an exalted, happy weariness, much like the one that accompanies a a day of hard but ultimately successful labor. I retired to my bedroom, and began to stare at the ceiling. Chunks of drywall began to bulge and drip from the walls and ceiling, only to dissipate into a thin smoke. The smoke would drift a few feet from its point of origin, and then lazily make its way back into the gap. Soon enough, I began to ponder the nature of the universe in a general way, which led me specifically to thoughts of black holes. Not a moment after I had begun this train of thought, a small black vortex opened up in the center of the ceiling with an audible stretching noise. It grew larger and larger, and upon reaching the size of a basketball began to exude ribbons of the colored smoke-light that I had seen earlier. They were very bright, primary colors, the exact shades on a kindergarten color chart. They began to revolve around the room, picking up speed as they went. Eventually the colors began to band together, and soon the room was a circus of colors all racing through each other and intertwining. All at once, the mystery of the tie-dyed t shirt was no mystery to me. The night ended with me laughing myself to sleep. <br> <br> I awoke the next morning with a sense of exultation, I felt like I'd lived eons and seen things that no one else would ever see. The relief of stress was enormous, and for a few months the minor problems we all have every day failed to dampen my new found spirits. It has affected me in more ways that I can put into words, but overall I'm a much more tolerant person, and I like to think of myself as being more understanding. I feel as if the mystery has returned to my life, and with it my will to continue moving forward. After all, there's no telling what might be around the next bend, and whether or not it'll be able to top that day as the most thrilling and awe-inspiring of my life.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2006</td><td width="90">ExpID: 69866</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 19, 2016</td><td>Views: 40,865</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=69866&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=69866&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Nature / Outdoors (23), General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">500 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/smarts/phenibut/">Smarts - Phenibut</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 4:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance">Ephenidine</td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 4:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cup</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="http://erowid.org/plants/tea/">Tea</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I've recently received a batch of ephenidine and researched it on its own, and found it to be a quite nice dissociative. It has the positive push of methoxetamine that I found to be lacking in methoxphenidine and 3-MeO-PCP (I found both to be more or less just confusing and annoying, so I much prefer ephenidine over them). I also had phenibut, LSD and a couple of joints stocked up, so hey, why not do some research and see how it goes? I know of no other trip reports with this combination so I hope this provides at least some valuable information for someone. I'm writing this on Sunday so a few days have passed since the experience. <br> <br> ____________________________________________ <br> <br> So. It's Wednesday. I've been on sick leave for a while due to mental exhaustion and I've been planning to make a meditative psychedelic trip to raise my spirits and now I've found the day for it since for once I'm not feeling stressed but in rather high spirits. The plan: phenibut first, then LSD, then ephenidine after the peak of LSD, with cannabis if/when I feel like it. <br> <br> The day began with a green smoothie with mixed fruits, some vegetables, peanut butter and soy flakes. A great way to put some energy into my body. After some digestion I concentrated on physical exercise, swimming in particular, which I've found to be absolutely essential for having remarkable psychedelic experiences. Exercise truly is the best antidepressant and mood booster, and does wonders for exploring my mind as well, no matter if I'm only meditating or exploring psychedelics. <br> <br> T+0:00 is at 13:30, which is when I ingested 500 mg phenibut orally. This is my first time combining phenibut with psychedelics, as I just recently read on the internet that it does wonders with easing the anxiety that's related with LSD. I hear it boosts feelings of euphoria in particular (which I can totally relate to, as I'll expand on later), but reduces psychedelia and visual effects. <br> <br> T+1:00: The next hour was spent on a last minute check on whether or not the substances I'm ingesting have negative interactions between each other (I've done a cross check before, yet it never hurts to be too sure) and capping the ephenidine for later (I made 4 caps with 50 mg in each, ended up only using 2 of them). After that I took a tab that reportedly had 200 mcg LSD in it. I had read it's recommended that one gives phenibut 1 more hour to kick in before adding LSD but I was anxious to jump in and didn't really want to be awake all night; not only because of LSD, ephenidine is very long acting as well. <br> <br> The perception of time gets rather fuzzy after this point. I didn't keep up with checking the clock so I have no idea when particular events described here happened. <br> <br> After having the LSD below my tongue for a few minutes I just swallowed it. Immediately I felt a small jolt of energy, or anxiety, but nothing that I couldn't overcome. Now I was certain that I was in for a psychedelic experience. I decided to put on my jacket and go outside for a cigar to pass time and take a look at nature. This was a great idea, smoking was relaxing and the sun was already coming down, the sunset was beautiful. Thoughts and ideas came and went without effort and I felt being in the moment more than ever. The corona sized cigar lasted for about 30 minutes, and at the end the sun was already almost gone and I was feeling pretty jittery from the LSD and decided to head in. <br> <br> I put on some music, lit some candles (candles or a campfire are goddamn great when tripping) and started pacing around my apartment since sitting down wasn't sitting well with me (heh). It took some time, as usual, for other signs to appear; at approximately 1 hours in I started seeing something move in the shadows and the grains in anything made of wood grew in depth and started waving. <br> <br> While visual effects are interesting and enjoyable, the mental psychedelia is what's more amazing. I began to find indescribable beauty in the music I was listening to and I made a realization on what a masterpiece of any art form is: a masterpiece is when a person or a group of people come together and perform something brings out their most passionate expression of a feeling so well you don't even care about how skillfully it's performed. Of course, if you're a master of an instrument the performance is taken to a greater level, but since there's no actual skill ceilings to instruments of art it's hard, or impossible, to define when you're 'good enough' to perform a masterpiece. As such, it's a combination of skill and passion in parts that can be, but are not essentially, of equal value. <br> <br> While these thoughts formed in my mind I felt something that could be only described as gratefulness and mental ecstasy. I sat and writhed on the floor before my sound system, on a thick carpet, and cried as my mind was flooded by the passion and the skill of the people who came together to give everything they had to perform the music, now available for me and everyone to enjoy. I felt like I was like being blessed by unimaginably valuable gifts. Time dilation feels very apparent right now. <br> <br> ____________________________________________ <br> <br> After a while of listening I decided it was time to take the experience to the next level. I stepped outside with a joint and lit it up. The visual psychedelia turned down a notch, with the waving effects diminished. I did start seeing symmetry in plants and the leafless branches of trees, but otherwise the visual field turned pretty boring. After finishing with smoking I sat and relaxed outside, and gazed at the city lights which looked like shimmering jewels away in the distance. Suddenly a a creeping feeling of anxiety came over me, which tends to happen whenever cannabis is involved. I hate the feeling and do not know why it happens, so I closed my eyes, meditated and focused on the source of anxiety in my chest. I told myself that there is nothing to fear, and everything is fine, over and over again, until the feeling subsided. <br> <br> Then, a strange phenomenon occurred. A stray ray of light crept between my eyelids, and when I slowly opened my eyes all the jeweled lights were spread over as lines over my visual field. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">A stray ray of light crept between my eyelids, and when I slowly opened my eyes all the jeweled lights were spread over as lines over my visual field.</div></div> The stray light was the strongest one of them, and in my mind it was as if I the heart of god was gazing at me. A humanoid form was gathering around the source of the light, and I thought to myself 'if there is a god, this is a sure sign that this must be it'. I've had previous encounters with meeting a godlike entity before, but rather than it being an external figure I've always found it inside myself, and then I find it to be a being of compassion, self-actualization, confidence, a beautiful formless being that tells me 'Trust yourself', 'Let things take their time', 'Do good deeds, for yourself and others', 'You are beautiful, and so is everything in this world, have respect'. <br> <br> The more I believed this form before my eyes to be god, an entity to bring salvation and peace if only I believed in it unconditionally, the more I felt as if I was being blessed and wrought in ecstasy, and all my troubles seemed to vanish for eternity. <br> <br> However, I became skeptical. <br> <br> I couldn't, and still cannot, trust anything external to be a bringer of salvation, for then I would be a slave for its approval. I entertained the thought how true believers in major religions must have had similar experiences and are now placing their trust of having validation in life on their faith and performing daily as instructed by their holy books. The literal thought 'Wow, it's fucked up how people actually believe this' passed through my brain as I got up and went back in, shaken. Who knows what would have happened if I decided to give myself unconditionally to that apparition? <br> <br> Back upstairs I had a philosophical argument inside my head with the unconditional belief of something external as being the dark regressive side, and the belief in myself and in good things as being the constructive light side. I held the belief that if I went with believing in that external god I would have relinquished myself, and let myself and my world be a victim and fall into ruin. Instead, only by believing in myself and the light inside I can truly build good things for myself and those close to me. So, obviously, I chose to be strong and I chose the light. <br> <br> ____________________________________________ <br> <br> I return to the carpet. I immediately assume a vertical posture and start relaxing. I've just finished a bit of renovation in my apartment, and a sudden realization hit me right there: I've been living here for quite a few years, the place is owned by my father and now I have plans to move on. The last bit of renovation is what really put the finishing touch on the place, and I understood that I've built a great gift for my dad: the apartment is now the perfect guest lodge, complete with a stylish kitchen/bedroom and a living room I almost accidentally made into the most elegant music listening studio and a place of meditation and relaxation. It's as if my soul spoke to me when I got ideas about the place, and now the end product is quite nice indeed. <br> <br> I was thrilled beyond words by this idea. Heck, I've never been so enthusiastic about giving something away, but there we go, I felt like I was giving a huge blessing to someone. I literally clapped my hands and said 'Thank you! Thank you!' aloud, as if the universe came together to make all of this happen. Best of all, I was finally proud of myself again, a feeling I've lost for a long, long time. <br> <br> Soon afterwards ideas about how I could also enjoy the place with my friends flooded my mind with fantasies of having good times listening to music, enjoying movies, cooking, eating and laughing together. The place is not only a blessing for my dad, but for everyone. Again, I was thrilled beyond words! <br> <br> Somewhere in between these thoughts I felt utter gratefulness for all my friends and family and how I'm so happy that they're a such a positive part of my life. Images of people and places passed by in my mind and I gave a mental Thank You to each and every one. Damn! I was happy as fuck! <br> <br> The positivity didn't end on the mental side. If I let my thoughts go I could feel my body vibrating with fantastic energy. If I wanted to, I could focus on a particular part and direct the energy there, which felt pretty great. I was acquainted with muscles that I've not been keenly aware of before, and directing energy gave me great vigor. Not to mention that I was well humored by this (focusing on the scrotum was the best part). After a while I decided it was best to eat something so I put some rice to boil and warmed up some vegan sauce I've made earlier. <br> <br> ____________________________________________ <br> <br> T+4:30: While gobbling up the food I gave a thought about the evening's timeline and decided it would be best to enjoy the ephenidine as dessert. I did hesitate and thought 'Isn't this good enough as it is? Am I asking for too much? Will the night be ruined?' but decided to go forward since I was set on exploring the combination. At 18:07 I ingested 2 caps of the substance which totals 100 mg. I returned to my music listening station with a cup of tea, feeling bloated, and continued enjoying my thoughts and appreciating the music. <br> <br> At some point I felt an uncomfortable sensation coming from my stomach. The caps must have broken and the ephinidine released into my system (ephinidine is a fairly strong tasting chemical so I wasn't surprised). Not much happened for a while as ephinidine takes its time to work. <br> <br> The first alert I usually get from dissociatives is that I become very sensitive to sound. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The first alert I usually get from dissociatives is that I become very sensitive to sound.</div></div> This time was no different at all, at one point I had to stop the music and started walking around in my house. I was bothered by weird sine wave noises coming from all over; turns out they were small electrical transformers in the form of laptop and cell phone chargers hooked in. I could hear them from several meters away, chirping away in a high pitch, high frequency tone. I would have unplugged my freezer and fridge as well but doing that under the influence of drugs would have been a bad idea. <br> <br> After coming to terms with my sound sensitivity and calming my nerves I gave music another shot. It seemed like ephenidine bumped up the music appreciation aspect of the trip a notch, and back I was, enjoying myself. <br> <br> Pure enjoyment didn't last forever, though. Aural distortions started making their way in the music. They're very hard to describe, but imagine a sweeping, high pitched sound that starts out very quiet and gets progressively louder. Much like that whining sound that came out the chargers I removed earlier. I wondered if they were a part of the music or something made up by my mind; of course, the distortion was caused by the dissociative but in the moment I couldn't make up my mind. I found this to be somewhat scary, but there was no way but to push through. <br> <br> In general I could still enjoy myself, but letting myself go proved to be very difficult. The dissociation came in waves, with it being stronger every once and a while. During the peaks I kept encountering distortions in sound and eventually the distortions found themselves in my visual field; dark objects especially seemed to twist into unnatural, indescribable horrors if I zoned out for a while. This would startle me and I began to consider the possibility of having a mental condition (of course I don't, I was on a cocktail of psychedelic drugs). <br> <br> The scariest thing about this was the prospect of blacking out and losing control of myself. I've had a massively bad trip where I did just that (while on a combination of LSD and a dissociative, what a coincidence) and found myself as a gibbering mess in my underwear outside my house. My neighbors still don't talk to me, heh. I was pretty traumatized by it for the longest time but eventually I got over it. Or did I? Do I have an unnatural fear of letting go because of it? <br> <br> I found relaxing and going deep into the dissociative experience to be extremely hard; at the peak I could see reality and myself deconstruct before my eyes bit by bit several times but that was always followed by a sudden rise in blood pressure and a feeling of panic. I needed to calm myself during this since I thought I was losing my marbles yet again, and this time there was no excuses for my behavior if I happened to wander outside in my state. Also, it was -10 celsius outside so I could have put myself in danger of hypothermia. In retrospect I think I just put too much strain on my poor brain, and since I was on sick leave due to mental exhaustion as well I wasn't truly prepared for it. <br> <br> Something positive came out of the ephinidine combination, though. Like I mentioned, it gave an extra oomph to the appreciation of music. I felt the most extreme time dilation for a short while; I could pick apart the different samples, instruments, notes and vocals in music and envision myself in the environment where they were recorded. It was as if musical tracks lasted for an eternity and I was completely immersed in the pieces they were made of. It was weird and fascinating, not exactly euphoria inducing but very very interesting instead. And also another piece of proof that my brain was in fact being overloaded. <br> <br> ____________________________________________ <br> <br> The mental wracking was done with just before midnight. The thought of 'Was that it? Is that everything that the experience had to give me?' ran through me as I considered the possibility of smoking another joint. I hesitated since there was also the possibility of kicking the whole experience back into high gear into a spiral of death and destruction. I did still feel very grateful for everything I experienced and was in high spirits after all I went through so everything could be even better. <br> <br> In the end I decided to go for it. I went out, shot a flame at the end of the joint and inhaled. Again, the visuals seemed to take the back seat, and the experience concentrated on the mental and physical side. This time, however, I received a message, beamed straight into my mind, with the sender field having 'The Psychedelic Experience' in it. Short and bitter, the message went like this: <br> <br> 'NYAH, NYAH, DON'T FUCK WITH ME' <br> <br> In an instant I knew that I pushed too far. 'NYAH, NYAH, DON'T FUCK WITH ME' became the theme for the rest of the night. The intense feeling of gratitude, utter happiness, joy, whatever I wanted to call it, was gone. Wiped out, I couldn't even remember how it felt; replaced by an intense feeling of confusion and my ego and the psychedelia having a dialogue in my head. 'NYAH, NYAH, DON'T FUCK WITH ME' <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">'NYAH, NYAH, DON'T FUCK WITH ME'</div></div>, indeed. <br> <br> 'Well, shit', I thought and made my way inside, still determined to make the best of it. I returned to my psychedelic station on the carpet, went into meditation and stretched out my mental hand for what was out there to grasp. What I found was the most intense closed eye visual experience of the night: an infinite lattice of booming small lights forming a regular geometric cubic pattern. It was fairly overwhelming to look at, and along with the experience I felt my body quivering in energy. Maybe I could have enjoyed if I wasn't as mentally exhausted, but now it was just too much for me. 'NYAH, NYAH, DON'T FUCK WITH ME', said the psychedelic experience. 'Yeah, yeah, I know', I replied in my head. <br> <br> I gave a fair shot at trying to enjoy my situation, I thought, and headed to bed to see if the excitement would soon die down, letting me sleep. No such luck, it wasn't going away any time soon. Instead I got an intense feeling of sensuality and oh so badly wished that there was someone next to me to play with. Literally, the topmost thought was that I wanted to mess around with a nice girl in a very playful manner. I found that to be pretty funny and definitely positive, but hugging pillows got boring eventually. <br> <br> So I set up a station made of pillows and blankets for myself to look at the visuals behind my closed eyes again; I tried to lie down in a vertical position first but when I really got into observing the phenomena behind my eyes I suddenly freaked out when I thought that I was about to swallow my own tongue. This freakout basically ruined the rest of the evening as I was constantly scared of it happening again and couldn't really get into it after it. I like to think of that as the final 'Fuck you' from the psychedelia for pushing it too far. In the end I took 10 mg diazepam to help me sleep which eventually did the trick. In the morning I woke up rather groggy but able to perform my basic functions. <br> <br> Afterthoughts: What I really learned here is respect for modesty. What could have been the best psychedelic trip of my life was turned into mush by being too greedy and pushing it too far. Even good things have their limits, and I got a valuable lesson on that. 'NYAH, NYAH, DON'T FUCK WITH ME', indeed. But still, I'm grateful for what I got, even though I would have preferred even the tiniest trace of the bliss I experienced as a lingering feeling. But, seems like the most important lessons in life always come with a price. Thanks for reading!<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 109676</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 29</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Dec 21, 2016</td><td>Views: 9,005</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=109676&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=109676&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Ephenidine (689) : Difficult Experiences (5), Glowing Experiences (4), Entities / Beings (37), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/smarts/ginkgo/">Ginkgo biloba</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/herbs/ginger/">Ginger</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">150 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">125 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 7:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 bowl</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> In my younger years, I loved my weed and experimented with mushrooms about a dozen times. I really enjoyed shrooms, so kept upping the dose until the inevitable occurred and I ate my way into what became my first and last bad trip. Can’t recall how many I had, but I thought I was dying (followed by that feeling of being reborn when you realize you’re going to live). That was 35 years ago. <br> <br> My drug years came to a grinding halt with marriage, kids and the responsibilities of a good job to keep it all together. But I have always been a psychonaut at heart. My wife had one horrific experience with drugs when she was younger (pot brownies) and unfortunately that put an end to any possibility of exploration with her. But I always had the feeling that my life wouldn’t be complete without trying LSD. So eventually, my kids grew up and with the urgency of family responsibility subsiding, I suddenly found myself surfing the darknet for frivolous illegal substances. <br> <br> I was amazed at the staggering amount of drug related information on the web, and the ease by which illicit substances could be secured on-line. I voraciously consumed trip reports for substance after substance like a kid in a candy store until I found what I was looking for – what appeared to be the holy grail of psychonaut experience – the candyflip. I wanted one. <br> <br> Rather than plunging in headfirst like I would have in my twenties, I researched endlessly to determine the ideal combo and timing. Heck, the research seemed like half the fun (an arguable point after tripping). Anyway, I decided to try LSD on its own first, and then MDMA alone too. Each trip knocked my socks off, but that’s another story. Finally, after 4 months of learning the ropes, with high quality LSD and very pure MDMA in hand, I was ready to flip. <br> <br> I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of my pending adventure. Here I am, nearly a senior citizen, executive manager by day, ready to blow my fucking mind by night. But hey, stereotypes are bullshit anyway. Although my job can be extremely demanding, I am a firm believer in work-life balance and the balance has been tipped waaaay too far the other way for the past 35 years. I am young for my age, and in excellent physical shape. I eat healthy and look after myself. I felt ready in every way. <br> <br> Nothing would have made this trip more complete than experiencing it with my wife. But that was not to be. And, for that matter, most of my friends would surely have thought I’d fallen off my rocker if I told them what I was up to. Thus, I set out to create the perfect setting for a solo journey. I planned a weekend away in my remote log cabin on the edge of a beautiful forest with a magnificent ocean and mountain view. For all of my adult life this place has been my escape, my salvation from the grind of responsibility. There is nowhere else I feel more at peace and nowhere else I’d rather be. <br> <br> At T = 00:00, as I wander through the forest, I tuck 150ug of highly rated LSD under my tongue and prepare for the jump to hyperspace as a summer storm begins to brew. <br> <br> T+00:25 and I can feel the first effects kicking in. This is faster than the 200ug I took on my first trip. Within an hour of ingestion, I can tell I am tripping harder than before. The visuals are stronger and the sense of disassociation is beginning to come on fast, and in waves. <br> <br> T+01:30 and I am really enjoying myself, reveling in the amazing collage of thoughts and unusual perspectives that are drawing me deeper towards somewhere I have never been. Back in the cabin, the patterns on the logs are flowing and rippling like waves, with iridescent sheens like oil on water. Out on my deck, the trees in the gathering wind are boiling and alive with an ethereal energy. I look at my hands and they are someone else’s against a 2-dimensional backdrop of breathing textures. I shut my eyes and I am suspended in a three dimensional glowing mosaic. I am acutely aware of my body but my mind seems almost disconnected from it. <br> <br> LSD gives me a kind of nervous energy. I find that I need to move and stretching feels good. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">LSD gives me a kind of nervous energy. I find that I need to move and stretching feels good.</div></div> I had some stomach nausea on my first trip with LSD alone so after reading more I pre-loaded with Ginko Biloba and a ginger lozenge. No stomach nausea this time. But the trip kept building and by T+02:30, I was fuckin’ flying. Moments of transcendence and giggling over absurd truths were becoming interspersed with thoughts of “Oh man, this shit might be getting too strong”. <br> <br> At T+03:00 I decide to abort the candyflip. How could I possibly add another Schedule 1 substance to this body that is already dissolving in LSD. <br> <br> And then it happened – a moment I recognized from my first trip – it’s a subtle yet very distinct change in the energy of the LSD as it peaks and then morphs into a different phase. At this point, the nervous energy in my stomach begins to dissipate into something I can only describe as a wave of building euphoria. It is now T+03:30 and impulsively, I do something that shocks even myself at this moment: I grab my MDMA pill and gobble it down. <br> <br> Over the next 5 minutes I found myself alternating between thoughts of “you fucking fool” and <br> “holy shit, hang on dude, get ready to rock ’n roll!” It took 45 minutes to feel the MDMA when I took it alone – but not on LSD. Completely unprepared I was. It took only 15 to 20 minutes for the MDMA to kick in. And this is where I languish for words to describe what happened next. <br> <br> At first, I lay down on my couch still somewhat overwhelmed with the LSD but full of anticipation, tinged with some anxiety. There’s a lot of chrome fixtures and shiny edges on things in the cabin and I remember noticing how exquisitely they gleamed. And then suddenly – WHAM! The clarity and euphoria of the MDMA surged into every extremity of my body and in what felt like only a moment, the LSD trip was transcended and elevated into a consciousness that defies description. The timing must have been perfect. It was like the MDMA commandeered the LSD trip and synergized the morphing LSD afterglow with the building MDMA euphoria and sense of oneness. <br> <br> The very first perception that blew me away was visual. I can only describe it as suddenly feeling like I was a kid in a candy store full of vibrant primary colors while simultaneously being in a lighting store, surrounded by warm, vibrant, glowing lamps. My second thought was “Oh my God, I want to have sex with my wife right now!” Of course, knowing this might happen I had been prepared for this contingency. While nothing can beat real sex, I came across something on the internet recently that piqued my interest. I have never bought a sex toy in my life, never had to, and never intended to. But this device, which caught my eye while I was surfing the web one night was getting rave reviews. Some claimed it was the best male sex toy ever created. If I was gonna candyflip without my wife, I decided this was my next best option. I immediately set the thing up (not the easiest thing to do while flying high as a kite) and then set to work on the device. <br> <br> As fate would have it, both the LSD and the MDMA peaked simultaneously as I explored my very first sex toy. For all intents and purposes, it looked and felt like the real thing. Within seconds, my whole body was flooded with an unimaginable sensation of bliss, a complete oneness with everything around me, and a sense of total, utter awe. It was like holding your newborn child for the very first time and looking into its eyes; like seeing the first magic trick that ever blew you away as a kid, like the moment you suddenly realized how big and endless the universe really is, all rolled into one. While words can’t do it justice, there is one thing that I think can give a sense of it; it’s in the movie Contact. Go to the place near the end where Elly comes out of the wormhole and she suddenly finds herself with the entire star system of Vega spread out before her; it’s the part where she says “…they should have sent a poet”. Watch that one minute clip of the film and you will get a sense of the depth and intensity of a candyflip. <br> <br> I lost track of time as I made love to my toy. My whole body seemed to shimmer with electric sensation. Amazingly, orgasm didn’t seem as important as the experience itself, because it already seemed to feel like one long, continuous orgasm. In fact when I did reach orgasm, as fantastic as it was, it wasn’t the explosive moment I had expected because of the baseline bliss. It was more like a glorious transition into another phase of the trip. The body load throughout was magnificent, and the intense colorful glow of everything around me seemed to add an almost carnival sense of festivity and wonder to it all. <br> <br> I’d read how great water feels on the body in a flip so my next endeavor was the shower stall. Oh my God, water never felt so good. Set on a relatively low pressure, I let the warm water trickle down my body, and it made me writhe in pleasure as it tickled every nerve ending in my body from head to toe. I drained the hot water tank, and then begged it to produce more. <br> <br> T+4:30 and I am nestled amongst cushions between two high quality speakers and set my favorite tunes to start rolling. I didn’t move for 3 hours. Once embedded in that fourth dimensional universe of sound, I was paralyzed in a journey of beauty, deep thought and by the mere joy of existence. During this time I thought deeply about friends and family. It allowed me to see my life from a unique perspective; to see where I could be more giving, more understanding, and more accepting. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It allowed me to see my life from a unique perspective; to see where I could be more giving, more understanding, and more accepting.</div></div> I felt utter compassion for a friend who is dying of cancer and became determined to engage with him in more meaningful ways. I pondered on all that I am, and the mystery of who I may yet be. I traveled a lifetime in those three hours. <br> <br> T+7:30, I finally stir from my den of iniquity. I am still deep in the afterglow but the trippyness has begun to fade. It is very late and I feel almost ready to sleep. In a final attempt to prolong the moment, I smoke a quick bowl. But it somehow seemed to pale in comparison to what I had just come through. By about T+8:30 I drifted off into a pleasant sleep……. <br> <br> I think I slept for about 4 to 5 hours. When I got up, I was surprised at how stoned I still felt. The day after I did LSD alone was fabulous and I had a kind of warm glow that stayed with me the entire day. I expected a hangover after trying MDMA alone – and although it didn’t happen, I did feel slightly off but not in a bad way. However, the candyflip hangover was significant. Not like that poisoned feeling after drinking too much, but feeling abnormal. By the time I got home about 12 hours after I woke up, I was convinced my family would notice there was something odd about me. It was kind of like a lingering sense of disassociation. It wasn’t until the next day that I felt relatively normal again. <br> <br> Will I candyflip again? Almost certainly. But this combination is hard on my brain. I will wait awhile, perhaps a year or even more. Not so much because it’s hard on the body, but also because I can’t imagine anything being as good as the very first time. I think one way to help preserve the magic is to not overdo it. Besides, I’ve got some mescaline burning a hole in my pocket, ready to try for the very first time……<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 104276</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 60</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jul 1, 2017</td><td>Views: 17,291</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=104276&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=104276&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Alone (16), Sex Discussion (14), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">265 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> First Time LSD Use at Age 46 <br> <br> An interest in LSD. <br> I first developed an interest in trying LSD, I think, when reading the James Gleick biography of physicist Richard Feynman. While Feynman’s biography mentioned that everyone around him was trying LSD (when it was legal), Feynman mentioned that he would never try it, because the risk to his brain, which was what his entire career had been based upon, was too great. However, Gleick mentioned that Feynman had actually tried it, but kept it secret once LSD was banned, thinking that his employer, CalTech, might frown upon it. Then, I read the Steve Jobs biography, where it was mentioned. An article on Carey Grant trying it made its way onto my reading list. Tim Ferriss, and Sam Harris, mentioned in separate blog posts trying it for brain power, and spiritual experimentation, respectively, and, when I saw that the writer of the book that became the film “Limitless”, with Bradley Cooper, had based his book, and his fictional pill, NZT, on the book “Storming Heaven: LSD and the American Dream”, by Jay Stevens, I made the decision to try it if possible. <br> <br> I turned 46 late last year, and I had never ever tried drugs. I hadn’t even tried alcohol until my 21st birthday, but always had a fear of any drugs. When I started dating a 31-year-old, Fleur, who was a three-times-a-day pot smoker, I tried marijuana for the first time (smoking and edibles). Fleur mentioned that she could get me anything that I wanted to try. So I told her I’d love to try LSD. <br> <br> Then we broke up. Or she broke up with me, because of our fights about money. And she went back to the rich older generous boyfriend (who is married). So it was strange when she contacted me again to let me know that she had what I had expressed an interest in, that she had four paper tabs, and wanted to know when I had 8-12 hours to book a trip. <br> <br> Unfortunately, as a single dad, I had my kid that weekend, so we scheduled the next weekend, with a trip sitter that she knew for safety sake. She also told me that a guy she knew, and had hooked up with, was very jealous that she and I were going to experiment with LSD, so this would be special. <br> <br> Unfortunately, during my kid weekend, she had an “oops”, when the guy she used to hook up with came over with the movie “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, and they did the drug and did the deed. I decided to search the darknet markets for what I could as far as an alternate source. Unfortunately, that is right when the Evolution/Bitcoin debacle happened, which scared me. <br> <br> So I went back to Fleur. She found out that her supplier ran out, so she found another one. While on her way to pick up the LSD, he was raided and arrested by the police, and she freaked out and went home. She spoke to a person who spoke to a person who was very knowledgeable about experimentation with LSD, who got her a source. <br> <br> I mentioned that I had to be at CalTech on business at 2pm, so she said we would start early. (Early to me meaning maybe 6am). She was running late by 10am, and finally arrived around 1040am. She told me the story about her trip, which I think we finally dosed at 11am. She pulled open a baggie, which had a strip of a pre-marked and measured gel or gummy substance. <br> <br> “Are you sure this is LSD?” I had never heard of dosage this way, only via liquid, paper tabs, sugar cubes, or via dropper onto gummy bears, etc. She said yes, that her experimenting source said it was good. I have no idea the dosage, honestly. But we each had one measure of the gel, which dissolved quickly under the tongue, and had no bad taste. <br> <br> The Comeup. <br> I put on some music while we waited for the drug to take effect. She mentioned that the last time she tried it, with the paper tabs, that she walked during the come up. But she said “I’m not sure that was even LSD - that might have had cocaine in it.” <br> <br> “I need to smoke a bowl”, Fleur said, and she smoked some pot. <br> <br> At some point, leaning against my sink, I noticed that my sink looked FILTHY. And I thought I had recently cleaned it. It was as though I was seeing 20 extra shades of grey in the stainless steel that I had never noticed before. Wow. <br> <br> “Let’s get out of here”, I said, and we went for a walk. I saw the yellow and blue shading in the leaves of the trees while we were walking, as never before. As mentioned, I’m 46, and I have gained weight, am out of shape, and walking, it felt like my heart rate was going through the roof, I was heating up, and I had a slight trouble breathing. I mentioned that to Fleur. <br> <br> Fleur said, “I don’t want to have to call the ambulance on you. I’ve done that for three friends already.” <br> <br> Taking a spill. <br> Suddenly, playing a joke on her sounded like a good idea. So I went face down on the grass, and didn’t move. And predictably, she freaked out. Laughing, I got up. <br> <br> “Your face is bleeding”, Fleur said. I reached up and felt a point where I had hit a root and had a blood spot on the middle of my forehead. “Let’s keep walking, so that no one stops and asks if you are okay”. <br> <br> On we went, to a sculpture garden, with a pyramid, rocks, flowing water, and lots of trees. There were patches of long flowing grass, and they seemed to be moving, and bulging, and I was not sure if it was the wind or the effects of the LSD. “Let’s sit under the trees, and watch the sparkling dew on the grass”. Unfortunately, an old man with a fanny pack heard me say that and took the only bench in front of the grass. So we went and sat elsewhere. <br> <br> Fleur was suspicious. “I wonder if that old man suspects something”. “No”, I said, “we are just like two art students, admiring the sculpture garden”. I sat on the bench next to her. We ended up lying on a stone bench head to head, with our legs in opposite directions. <br> <br> “Look at the wispy clouds — they look 3D!”, Fleur said. I couldn’t see that. I expected the sky to look like colors, or to see trails when I moved my hand, but I didn’t. <br> <br> But I really wanted to walk barefoot in the grass between a large group of trees that I saw. The amazing different shades of green that I saw really fascinated me. So I entered a group of about 8 trees. <br> <br> I speak with the trees. <br> Walking barefoot through the grass, I felt “drawn to” one of the trees. It was a eucalyptus. Right away, I noticed that the knots in its bark made a face. “Big deal”, I told myself, you can find a face in anything. But staring at its bark, it seemed to be moving, breathing, bulging, and alive. That fascinated me. I saw one patch of the bark in my vision stay still, while the rest of the tree seemed to move. I tried to focus on the face in the trees, but that didn’t seem to do anything for me. I tried to feel the trees and the grass breathe with me, but that didn’t seem to work. So I focused on the moving bark again. <br> <br> Then I heard a voice inside my mind. “Look deeper”. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Then I heard a voice inside my mind. “Look deeper”.</div></div> I looked around, and looked up to the tree and to the new branches growing up on the higher branches. With my more sensitive vision to colors, I could clearly see how the tree became limbs, which became branches, became smaller branches, and became leaves. And from the older leaves, which were turning a darker green and brown, were younger leaves growing a bright green, at the end of the smaller branches. “Wow”, I said audibly. <br> <br> Looking back at the tree, I realized that the “look deeper” comment made me realize that looking for eyes on trees was superficial and silly. I felt like that was staring at a big pair of breasts on a tree, without seeing what they were attached to. There was a lot to see, but I had to put aside trying to make the trees look human, or anthropomorphizing them. <br> <br> I looked at another tree, which was an oak, and yet another tree, which was a birch. I saw how the oak, with its complex bark, was swirling, and how it faced another oak tree, which was smaller. And at the end of the grove was a large green tree with spikes (my mom always called those a “Monkey Puzzle”, but I am not sure what it is called). That tree had a grain that went sideways in rings, like fat rolls, around the tree, instead of the vertical grains of all the other trees. Every tree was different. <br> <br> “Look deeper”, I heard again, and at that point, I got a little freaked out and returned to Fleur on the bench. “I’ve been communing with the trees”, I told her. <br> <br> 'Let me guess', she said. 'You’re a tree hugger now?” <br> <br> “No”, I said, 'but I feel like, in a way, the trees were speaking to me.' <br> <br> “Oh, I see now”, Fleur said. “You are the Lorax. You speak for the trees.” <br> <br> This comment caused a giggling fit between the two of us for a long time. <br> <br> “No. But I did spend a long time with that Eucalyptus. That tree is Australian, so it is not from here. But chances are in was brought here to this county between 1865 and 1880, when there was a huge investment of Eucalyptus trees and their rapid growth for farming purposes as a wind break.” I was trying to impress her with my knowledge of local flora. <br> <br> “So, that tree is lonely, because it’s so far from home”, she said. “Maybe”, I said. '“Come on, let me introduce you,”, I told Fleur. <br> <br> So I pointed out what I had seen, about the grain of the tree, and about how different they all were. I pointed out the spiked tree, and how sharp the spikes were, and how different that grain was. “you know, they make military night vision goggles green, because the human eye can distinguish more shades of green than any other color.” While she spent the time pricking her fingers on the spikes, I returned to the Eucalyptus. <br> <br> “You’re wrong”, I heard a voice say inside my head. “I’m not lonely, and I’m not far from home. And I’m definitely not different from the others.” <br> <br> 'Of course you are”, I thought. 'You’re different, and I can tell by looking at you.' <br> <br> “I told you to look deeper”, the tree said in my mind. ' We are all here, roots in the SAME soil, inspiring and expiring the same atmosphere, and with the same sun shining on us. We are all drawing the same energy and nutrients. Look deeper.' <br> <br> That made me gasp. The metaphor for all of us on Earth, all limited by what we do with the same resources - the air, the sun, the wind, the water, the minerals in the land”, was super obvious to me. And I felt stupid for thinking how different everything was. I was part of the trees, and of the Earth also. We all start with the same resources. <br> <br> Fleur didn’t like the way that the knots in the spiked tree was looking at her, and she said that she wanted to jump, and run. But instead she went and sat down again. When she did, I went over and hugged the Eucalyptus. I was, indeed, a tree hugger. <br> <br> The fanny pack man left the throne area, and so I went up there. I noticed that the dew drops, which had made these beautiful hexagon colors when I walked by there previously, had all dried up. I frowned. I walked around and noticed a granite round table and chairs - like a picnic table. The granite was alive, moving, like it was a pool of water. All the individual dark grains in the granite seemed to be dancing and boiling. That amazed me. <br> <br> Everything has a grain. <br> Suddenly, I recalled being 12 again. I had problems with my parents, and was sent to live on a 500 acre ranch in rural Oregon, back then, and I was remembering being with a family that didn’t know me that well. I hung out with a 20 year old, named Allan, who was into cars and restored and painted rare cars to sell. I used to help him sand cars and paint them, and he told me the importance of following the contours of the car’s lines. “Everything has a grain”, he would say. “Follow the grain”. <br> <br> Petting Allan’s german shepherd back then, he saw me petting the dog backwards to its fur. “I told you to follow the grain”, he said. Later on, when I got a summer job on a lumberjack crew in Oregon, and then would follow them to the sawmill, I learned all about observing the sometimes twisted grains of the trees we cut down and then would saw into lumber. Observing the grains of the tree, and predicting how the tension would release as you cut into the tree and tried to make the tree fall a certain way, was very important. <br> <br> The next summer, I helped a butcher shop with a field truck slaughter a few farm animals, including three cows, a pig, a goat, several lambs, and a bison. Again, and again, the butcher trying to teach me a few things had said while cutting near the bones, “follow the grain of the muscle”. <br> <br> I had totally forgot about that, and all that came back to me in a flurry of memories, all connected. and very vivid. <br> <br> While Fleur sat on the bench, I decided to jump up on a granite rock, which was rough in texture. I saw what looked like a security guard approaching, and decided to go over to Fleur again. Doing so required that I jump off the rock, and looking down, it looked like the texture of the rock was like spikes, and the ground seemed around a mile away. Afraid that I was going to break an ankle, I jumped anyway, and landed safely. I was amazed at how, even though I felt like I was tripping balls, I had an excellent sense of balance, able to sit and stand, run, jump, and walk, without problem. <br> <br> I could feel, since it was now noon, how hot the ground was, and how burning hot the sun was. <br> <br> I walked over and could see that the security guard was actually a cleaning lady. I found myself telling Fleur that I could see the granite in it’s igneous state, moving like lava, when she interrupted me. <br> <br> --“We are going to get the police called on us, or kicked out”, Fleur said. <br> <br> “I don’t think so”, I said. “For all anyone knows, we are just two art students exploring art and exploring the sculptures here.” <br> <br> “I don’t want to stay here. Let’s go”, she said. So go we did. On the way out I stared at the trees, and smiled. “Look deeper”, I heard again. <br> <br> Suddenly, I realized that I was still being superficial. I didn’t have to spit out facts and scientific knowledge just to say something smart. It hit me that granite wasn’t even an igneous rock. I was making connections that weren’t there instead of learning something deeper. I started to cry. <br> <br> The Carnival at the Performing Arts Center. <br> Crossing the street, the plan was to walk through a modern art sculpture garden and then through the big mall nearby. But when we crossed the street, the flags, sculptures, and signs outside the performing art center looked exactly like a very very colorful carnival to me. <br> <br> “Let’s check out the carnival”, I said. I could see an interesting round sign that was a mauve color, or a faded red, that was a color I had never seen before. <br> <br> “Let me guess, you want to get some cotton candy, and a balloon”? We laughed again. <br> <br> We stood in front of the Performing Arts Center as senior citizens flied past us and around us for the afternoon matinee of whatever play was showing. We were looking at the sky and the colorful yellow and blue sculptures and getting some very very judgmental stares. One Japanese woman in her late 60s turned her head as she passed by and gave me a long stare, and I stared back. As I stared back at her, her face melted into a cartoonish Peter Max painting. <br> <br> I saw a security guard who definitely was a security guard walking straight to us. “We had better go”, I told Fleur. <br> <br> While we were walking, I kept looking over my shoulder and saw the security guard following us. She followed us to the property limit, and then we crossed the street and she turned around and went back to the performing arts center. <br> <br> Leaving the property, I noticed a row of different trees - aspen trees. They had new sprouts and branches growing mid-trunk from the tree. “It’s a metaphor for layers of growth”, I told Fleur. And I remembered how there is somewhere, an aspen grove (Pando) that is supposed to be all connected as one organism and shares the same root system. I also noticed the building construction - you could see the texture and grains of the rolled stainless steel and the red sandstone used in the buildings very clearly - every detail. <br> <br> My heart was racing again, and I felt like I was overheating. And I realized how red my eyes were from crying. <br> <br> Seeing my True Self in a Sports Bar <br> We stopped into a local sports bar to hydrate and cool down. I felt like all eyes were on us. I sat at the bar while Fleur went into the bathroom. No one served us, so I moved to a corner table facing the window. Still nobody served us, and I began to get paranoid. <br> <br> “How long has Fleur been in the bathroom?”, I wondered. It seemed like forever. Finally a waitress came over and asked what I wanted to order. “There is someone else coming”, I said. But I’ll have a diet coke and a water. I felt like I was sweating and red and overheating. <br> <br> She paused and looked at me at what looked like forever. “Diet Pepsi okay?”, she finally said. “Yes”, I replied. Where was Fleur? <br> <br> She was taking way too long. Maybe I needed to check on her. I was getting somewhat paranoid. Everyone was ignoring us rather than staring at us. I felt like I was overheating. I left my keys on the table and went to the restroom. <br> <br> I paused in front of the Women’s restroom and couldn’t bring myself to open the door and call Fleur’s name. Act normal. <br> <br> So I went into the Men’s room and put cold water on my face. I kept patting off the cold water until I felt like I was no longer overheating. I gave myself a long look in the mirror. <br> <br> My eyes weren’t dilated like I had thought they were. But my hair looked so grey and wiry. I could see so many colors of grey, including in my hair, and on my face. My face looked so wrinkly. And my eyes were definitely red. Why did I think I looked so good for my age? I don’t. I thought I had no grey in my hair, but here it is - I can see it. <br> <br> Everything has a grain, I thought. Especially my face. I am so old. I looked at my posture, hunched over, and my belly, extended from fat. No wonder I’ve been having so much problems with getting dates lately. I look horrible. <br> <br> I went back to the table. Fleur was still not there, but my diet pepsi and water were there. I downed it quickly. Fleur showed up and I told her I was worried about her. “I’m fine, but I want to smoke”, she said. The waitress returned and took my Diet Pepsi, which was empty, away. <br> <br> She had a water and an ice cream sundae and laughed at nothing. I stared out the window, which had a screen on it, and the screen was FILTHY. “It’s a metaphor”, I told Fleur. <br> <br> “Another one?”, she said, 'There’s a lot of metaphors today', she said. “Well, everything does have a grain”, I told her. But this screen is a filter. And our filters get clogged up with a lot of stuff - religion, education, stereotypes - and it keeps us from seeing the world clearly, like us trying to see out of this window. <br> <br> “Why did the waitress take away my drink? Are we about to be kicked out?' I was getting to be the paranoid one in here. I had kicked off my shoes and started to wonder if that was against the rule here. <br> <br> “mmm,”, she said. “Try this brownie ice cream sundae”. I did, and it tasted super sweet and chemically to me. So did the Diet Pepsi, for that matter. Much more than I’ve ever noticed before. <br> <br> We weren’t going to have any alcohol, and I didn’t feel hungry, at all, and I was cooling off. So I put my credit card on the table. The waitress refilled the water and Diet Pepsi again and didn’t take the card. I was getting paranoid about that. Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t have shoes. I’m sure that they have a sign that they can refuse service for no shoes or no shirt. <br> <br> I looked at the couple next to us at another table, sure they were staring. They weren’t, but the woman stared at me due to my staring at them. I noticed how grey her skin color was. She must be a smoker. While she faced me and looked at me, her face seemed to melt, almost, and she looked like the cartoon Droopy Dog character. <br> <br> “Your eyes are yellow. Like really yellow. You should get that checked out with a doctor”, Fleur said to me. <br> <br> Leaving the high barstools, getting my shoes on, and calculating tip and leaving seemed to be a challenge. Looking down at my feet, it looked like they were dangling a mile away. But we walked back and to my pool. The pool was too crowded on this sunny day to be a place to be. I dipped my toe into the jacuzzi, and saw dust enter the water. The fluorescent bathing suits, beach balls, and the amazing shading of the trees made me feel like everything was brighter. <br> <br> I decided that I wanted to record my thoughts, and regretted not bringing a journal. I tried to use the voice memo feature on my phone, but kept forgetting to press the button before and after speaking. I was starting each voice memo with “hippie thoughts”, and then my thought, but then suddenly obsessed on whether or not I should be calling them “trippy thoughts”, instead. <br> <br> “Hippie thoughts: We are all under the same tent. <br> Hippie thoughts: Whenever a bee stings someone else, it ends up harming themselves more. <br> Hippie thoughts: We need to notice the details more - the subtle shading, and not just the obvious -of our lives more. <br> Hippie thoughts: It really doesn’t matter whether you call them hippie thoughts, or trippy thoughts. That’s not a thing.' <br> <br> Divergence <br> Once we got home, I drank more water, and noticed that I had definitely been sunburned. Fleur went to work smoking another bowl of weed right away, and she started watching kaleidoscope videos on youtube on my laptop. <br> <br> I wanted to listen to music, and lie down, so I put asked Fleur if she was okay with me not watching her and being alone, and put on a sleep mask/blindfold, headphones, and played pandora and listened to music. <br> <br> The moment I closed my eyes, I saw patterns very clearly. On the perimeter of my vision, I saw lightning flashes - white and active. In the center, I saw a scanning electron black and white image of a grasshopper extremely close up. And I saw that antennas on the grasshopper, which looked like hairs, had their own hairs/antennas, which in turn had their own hairs. There were patterns all the way down. The grasshopper image split into two, and then four, and then turned into this beautiful geometric pattern, with a dark sparkling charcoal liquid mercury forming triangles and other geometric shapes, spilling and flowing over a deep green pattern. <br> <br> I thought back to that tree, and looking up at the new bright green growth backlit by the sun. The tree had a branch which led to a leaf, which supported a newer leaf. My son, who just turned 10, was a green growing new leaf. And it was the job, naturally, of the larger connected leafs to support the growth of the new leafs. <br> <br> That growth can happen naturally, if there is a structure. But if the branch, or leaf, is broken at a right angle, it won’t grow right. It may even reach tendrils to get nutrients and growth, to another tree, branch, or roots underground. <br> <br> I thought about my father. About how he hit me once, and I felt compassion for him. He always said he didn’t have the best parents. His grain grew as it did, and he was what he was. And I thought again about Allan, in Oregon, taking on, in a way, the surrogate father role and teaching me about cars, and life, and not being judgmental, just guiding me on the right grains to follow when sanding a car along it’s lines. <br> <br> And of course, I thought about my son. It suddenly became super important for me to make sure that I offered guidance to my son and that he grew with my assistance straight and narrow without veering off into something damaging. I could feel a duty as elders to guide my young son and show him the dangers and the ways to grow up safe and happy. I wanted to expose my son to good things, and feed the good things in him right. And to show him that all the sex and shit talking of society is not all there is. All the marketing that he has been, and will be exposed to, is not all there is. <br> <br> I started to cry. Fairly uncontrollably. I cried for the damaged relationship with my Dad, who was in a great marriage with my mom, and was a great provider, and so smart, and a world traveler, but worked too hard and was never around. And I cried for my son, who I worry about and just want to grow up self actualized and happy and independent. Here I was noticing every detail of the moment, and I was not taking in every moment of my son as he goes through his childhood. <br> <br> “Ah, I know what this is. This is my brain pattern, doing…” And then I was stuck. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">“Ah, I know what this is. This is my brain pattern, doing…” And then I was stuck.</div></div> I had this overwhelming feeling that I didn’t really know what was going on. It was humbling. I always wanted to insert a scientific answer into something, but this was way out of my normal experience. <br> <br> I found myself saying over and over again to myself: <br> <br> I don’t know shit. <br> I don’t know shit. <br> I don’t know shit. <br> <br> Musical Adventures. <br> Then the Pandora station changed to a Rihanna song. “What the fuck? Rihanna?” I thought for sure I had selected a chill out / lounge music station before the trip even started. This song shouldn’t be playing. <br> <br> But I went with it. The patterns and lights in my brain, and the “lightning” electricity, made colorful disco patterns. I could hear every detail of the music - when Rihanna took a breath to sing the next line of verse, I could hear the air passing through her larynx. “Even air has a grain”, I thought. 'I’ll bet if she had a bump, or a polyp, in her breathing tract, you could hear that in the music as the air passed over it”. <br> <br> The next song was some singer from Iceland, singing in Icelandic. I couldn’t tell what the words were at first, but I concentrated on the emotions. My brain thought I was hearing the words, but that was not possible. <br> <br> I thought about how birds have a certain number of songs used to communicate, and how humans have the same patterns. You think about two women laughing and making a joke, and you know what they are communicating, as far as emotion, even without the specific joke details. Or a couple about to make love, and the woman, or the man says something like “mmm yes”, or “mmm da”, or “mmm oui”, or “mmm, si”, and you know what that conveys. Or when a younger guy says “dude” in a certain tone of voice, or a young woman says “uggh whatever” in a certain tone of voice, the “song” and the context lets you figure out anything. The details almost aren’t important. <br> <br> All language is this way - it’s just one flow of grain to try to express concepts, thoughts, and especially emotions. Like the songbirds we express emotions. Language gets in the way of that sometimes. <br> <br> Next song is an old woman singing in Spanish to a slow Tango song. I can hear her age just from the voice, and I can especially pick up on her Argentinian accent, since I am very familiar with Latin American Spanish and Castilian Spanish. I can especially tell she is a smoker. <br> <br> My Trip Partner Fights with Her Partner. <br> I’m getting restless. I can hear Fleur on the telephone fighting with someone, after she has been in the bathroom a long time. The fighting is bugging me. <br> <br> “I’m checking on you”, I tell her. She has smoked several bowls of marijuana. <br> “yeah, my boyfriend is really freaking out. He thinks that I’m over here doing drugs with you and you and I are having sex. I told him we are not fucking. I feel like this is where our trips are definitely diverging”. <br> <br> Suddenly, I feel compassionate towards Fleur. I was worried about having a bad trip with her, since she likes to fight with me, and she can be condescending, and insulting, and we had a dating relationship. But I just saw her as she was- dealing with a certain amount of anxiety, trying to feed it with marijuana, and dealing with financial issues. <br> <br> Exploring the Dimensions that Really Matter. <br> I really want to draw, and I draw a detailed pen and ink version of the tree branches and color shades that have stuck in my mind. And then I draw a version of the cartoon senior citizen that turned into a Peter Max painting at the performing art center. <br> <br> I went back into the room on my bed and put my blindfold and earphones on again. I started to see long string patterns of hexagons, pentagons, and squares, stretching diagonally in my vision. All of the repeating patterns I had observed in nature made me realize that things repeat over and over again. I thought about how much Fleur looked like my first girlfriend, over 20 years ago, and realized that there were only so many ways to make hands, arms, a face. <br> <br> “Are there other dimensions?”, I wondered, while looking at squares stretched out in my eyes closed vision. “Maybe”, the answer said. 'But why does it matter? You are here, in this dimension. Time is also a dimension, and all you have is the here and now.' And a bright pinpoint light centered itself in between the long string of squares. And I realized that we are only here a short time, and I have already wasted half of my life. <br> <br> I thought about the lines - the tree grains - on my face again. And for too long, I have fed my body, and my tree bark, if you will, processed foods, alcohol, and sun exposure, including today. All I have is this moment. I will be 50 in another four years, but I need to learn then how to be good at being a 50 year old. For now, I need to learn how to be a good 46 year old. That means bonding and learning from those my age. I realized that I can learn from the best people at my age, and the best in people younger than me. And, certainly the best in those aged above me. Everyone wants to teach you something, and has something to share with you that will teach you. <br> <br> Hippie thoughts: Don’t do except do. Be the best you, at your age, that you can. <br> <br> Compassion for Those that Have Hurt Me. <br> Wow. I started to cry again. I thought about a woman that really hurt me 15 years ago, and how year after year, I wonder how I’ll ever get through that hurt, and amazed that it still hurts and I still think about it all the time. And it seemed pretty easy to forgive her and move on. She must be older now, and maybe wiser. <br> <br> “What about my ex wife?” I thought about her. We had a nasty divorce and I hated much about her actions, from before and after I filed for divorce. But it seemed easy to see her as a young girl in her 20s, in love with me, and not knowing what to do with my business, and my crazy life, and wanting to be a good mother and wife. And I had much compassion for her. <br> <br> Why am I crying so much? This is not fun. It’s probably cathartic, but definitely not fun. <br> <br> Lessons learned about Money. <br> “But wait”, I thought. 'What about Money?' I was supposed to think and meditate on my business during this LSD trip, and figure out what I should be doing with my life, and what I could do to improve my cash flow and merge my passions and areas of skill and change my business to fit that somehow. <br> <br> Money has a flow also, the thought came to me. It grows along certain grains, with certain patterns. Suddenly I realized something. <br> <br> Money is just a way to exchange something for something else that a person paying is looking for. <br> <br> That sounds obvious, I mean we all know money is a unit of exchange, but my focus was on “what the person paying is looking for”. Suddenly it hit me that many of my clients are looking for the same thing (a positive result from a difficult situation), but some are looking for other things - reassurance that they are a good person, education about the process, confirmation that they are not going to be ripped off, someone to take care of something for them, guidance through a difficult time, or in general, goods, or services — and that what they are really paying the money for is that feeling or guidance or getting what they had in mind they wanted. <br> <br> I realized that with my business, I do so many things that get in the way of that simple exchange. People WANT to pay me money to take care of their difficult situation, but I make sure I only return phone calls twice a day, so that I don’t get overwhelmed all day, and then I require an in person appointment to size them up, and then a written contract, with much legalese, and then they must pay via cashier’s check or money order, or visa/mastercard/american express/discover, etc. <br> <br> As you can tell by this report, I like to write, and I probably use many more words than needed. I used to write a custom drafted 30 page memorandum to each client letting them know the pros and cons of each choice we had to make while I was handling their matter, and the probability of success of each option, and my recommended strategy. And after spending hours on that, I used to find that most clients never read it, or just skipped to the last paragraph that said “conclusions”. Did they not see how many hours I spent analyzing their matter? Were they stupid? Were they not impressed by my education and vocabulary and great writing skills? No. All they wanted was my recommendation in the first place, and to know that I had gone over their situation and had a plan. And I put so many blocks in the way of them getting that - so that I can feel important, or because I think they need that, or for no reason at all. The flow of paying for something and getting what the person wants that they are paying for needs to have as few steps as possible to block that. <br> <br> Aligning yourself to the flow of what the market really wants (what people really want in the aggregate) is even better. <br> <br> I thought about a doctor who thought I was well connected and wanted to pay me a small amount to talk about his practice on Facebook and instagram. I accepted and then griped about it, and when I did what he asked, he changed the terms and asked me to delete instagram and send a message on twitter instead. (this all happened the night before the LSD trip). I was angry that he changed the terms, which made extra work for me while traveling, and was going to get revenge on him by putting something negative out there, and making a big deal about him being unethical, etc. Suddenly that all seemed petty. All he wanted was his business promoted, and to pay for it. And I accepted that, and so I should promote once I decided and promised to do so. So I did. And he was happy and paid double. Less stress for me, less blockage of the flow of money from what he wants to what he paid for. <br> <br> I could hear Fleur fighting with her boyfriend again. “I am not fucking him!”, she said. <br> “No, all he is doing is crying and crying. I swear, he is just crying. Okay Bye”. <br> <br> The trip turns bad. <br> I very suddenly had, in my vision with my blindfold on, a vision of a horse head, completely skinned and bloody, all muscle and fat and skin hanging off of it, with eyes staring at me. That shocked me. Oh boy, I thought, here comes a bad trip. From there, a background all over my vision of bone fragments, and blood, and skin, and eyes and teeth were everywhere. I cringed. But I thought about, as I had recently been reminded, how I had worked with a butcher, and had lots of experience with dead animals. But these look human, I thought. I’m okay with this. And then it went away. <br> <br> Going solo. <br> “I’m going to leave as soon as I smoke this bowl. I’m fine to drive. My boyfriend is really upset, and thinks that this is like going over to a guys house to do a line of coke and fucking him. I am never doing LSD again, that is for sure. This is my once in a life time experience. ' <br> <br> I started rambling on and on about my meditations about money. “Yeah, what is money, and why do we even need it?”, she said. I told her that we need to not get in the way of money flowing for what people want to pay it to accomplish. <br> <br> “All I know is that my boyfriend is super rich. And he does all kinds of things. But he is really rich, so I can’t piss him off.” She exhaled and I saw the smoke coming out of her mouth, backlit by the window, turn into a rich rainbow of colors. Literally stripes of colors in the smoke. I told her that she was turning into Puff the Magic Dragon with her rainbow smoke, and she laughed. <br> <br> She hugged me and I told her thank you. I expressed to her that this felt like 10 years of therapy in one afternoon. I told her she had given me a gift. “I know, she said”, “everything is a metaphor, and everything has a grain.' <br> <br> She left. I looked at my granite kitchen countertops, and noticed that the visuals seemed to be gone. The grains in the granite didn’t seem to be as interesting any more. <br> <br> Body sensations. <br> I laid down and cried again. I tried to meditate, and noticed that my back and neck were very stiff. My jaw had been clenching up throughout the afternoon. My eyes hurt. I started a body scan meditation and tried to relax, imagining my whole body calming down. <br> <br> A voice in my head said “of course your jaw and eyes hurt. You have been crying for hours. And you have a knot, like the knots you saw in the trees, in the middle of your forehead.” I reached up and felt the dried blood from falling early in the trip. I had forgot about that. “When are you going to see that everything bad, you do to yourself?” Everything you do to nurture or harm any cell in the grains of your body is like that. It damages or repairs itself depending on how you feed the grains. <br> “I know”, I say. <br> “I know”. <br> And I feel very humbled and stupid. <br> I realize suddenly that I am holding onto things tightly and causing my own neck and back pain. And it’s a metaphor for what I need to let go of. <br> <br> I vowed to myself to sign up for a Yoga class the next day. I feel that the grains in my muscles need to flow more. I realize that what others call “flow” or “energy” during LSD trip reports I am experiencing as a grain, like the wood grains I saw earlier. And I vow to call Big Brothers, and become a Big Brother to a little boy who needs support to grow up like a leaf big and strong, and not get nutrients from bad sources. And to only feed the grains of my skin with quality nutrients. And to wear more moisturizer and sunblock. <br> <br> Hippie thoughts: Growing up in the universe means letting go of “you'. <br> <br> Walking <br> Later that evening, after sundown, I decided to do something good for my body, and get some exercise and think. My mind felt clear, but I did feel a little ADD, in that thoughts were scattering through my brain at what felt like record speed. I walked and walked, and found myself smiling at every tree I saw on my walk. “I learned something from a tree today”, I thought. Amazing. I ended up walking over to a tree and giving it a big hug, smiling, and wished it well, and thanked it for being part of the Universe, and for teaching me something. <br> <br> When I returned home I saw via my phone that I had walked 7 miles. And I didn’t feel it. Usually after 1-2 miles I get tired and feel it in my legs, and the soles of my feet. What a day. I readied myself for sleep. <br> <br> Sleeping. <br> What a day, I thought, as I tried to get to sleep. But I could not sleep, try as I might. I kept going over the events of the day, and what I had learned, and felt sad for Fleur just smoking pot and arguing and not getting any value out of this. I definitely felt different and felt that I had examined a lot. Was my brain different? Was my brain damaged? <br> <br> Yes, I can feel that my brain is different, but I can look back at all the patterns I was stuck in with the old brain, and see that it clearly was an improvement. <br> <br> Finally, at 5am, I fell asleep, only to wake up at 6am for work. All day I felt extremely tired, almost hung over, but with a more clear energy and no headaches, like a hangover would give one. I skipped Yoga to sleep early that evening. The next day I felt clear, and noticed that I had lost 6 pounds. That made me smile. <br> <br> Hippie Thoughts: It looks the same. It's the same grain. <br> Expressing itself <br> Familiar patterns <br> Again and again <br> Gives us a chance to learn <br> Gives us a chance to do it right <br> Or lets us do it wrong <br> --Again and again.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2015</td><td width="90">ExpID: 105918</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 46</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jul 6, 2016</td><td>Views: 26,197</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=105918&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=105918&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Relationships (44), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:15</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> [Note: For about a month before this experience, I was taking 200mg Sertraline (Zoloft) once daily. I discontinued use 36 hours before the experience.] <br> <br> At five o’clock in the afternoon we were sitting around a friend’s living room with a respectable quantity of DMT and LSD. It was my first experiment with DMT, though I’d been on high doses of LSD, salvia and mushrooms before. <br> <br> The first hit of the DMT that I did made me feel cold and weird and gave me tunnel vision. I did a second hit and held it in for some time. I felt myself melting into the couch and my head lolled to the side, the room around me fracturing into twisting pinwheels of rainbow-colored light before my eyelids drooped shut. I panicked a bit at first because the stuff was so strong that I couldn’t control my body, but soon enough my ego completely flatlined, taking my worries with it. <br> <br> I didn’t know or care who or where I was. Before me was a huge carousel of somberly shaded purple, grey and blue lights. I seemed to hover nearer and further away from it. When I began coming back, the room was swirling in a twisting vortex of multicolored light. Spiritual sensations and ideation were completely absent from the trip. These would come soon enough, though. <br> <br> For some minutes afterward, I felt a euphoric lift. It was now about 6 in the evening and, with both my best friend and myself having smoked a dose of DMT each, we decided to drop the first hit of acid. We each dropped a second hit about fifteen minutes afterward. <br> <br> By 8 o’clock the acid began to peak. My trip centered around patterns in perceptual streams (much like the last time I did acid), and I meditated about layers of depersonalized intentions behind perceptions for hours, often losing entire grasp of who I was as the room around me twisted, shivered and swelled into patches of rainbows. I began to feel that the LSD had initiated some sort of autodeconstructive process in the stream of perceptions constituting my identity. This was somewhat frightening, but also exhilarating as I began to realize what it meant for our whole universe to be reflected in electrochemical interactions between cells, which could then be reconfigured in a way that temporarily altered the fabric of the universe. Pretty standard stuff for LSD use. My trip felt very material, except at times when I would feel strange creeping flows of spiritual energy slither through the room. I managed to write the following at 10:19 that night, while the peak was still going strong and my ego was totally gone: <br> <br> <br> <br> “To chronicle the cognitive distortions during an LSD peak requires the utmost concentration and focus. Because the acid-smattering, weirdo-collision universe is out there, and my thoughts don’t know where I am when I’m thinking them. <br> <br> The body is strangely alienated from me, as well as my cognitive processes, some of which twist into crystal fractal dimensions very far away from where they started. That’s the beauty of LSD—the surprises. I reach out from behind the corner and frighten myself, or catch myself catching myself catching myself… <br> <br> The sensorium is obviously broken or dislocated somehow—disarticulated. But it’s the resulting logical fragments that are truly terrifying. The most bizarre and interesting aspect of being on acid is that the sensorium has been totally disarticulated and reconfigured—I don’t know where sights, sounds, feelings etc. begin or end, and I begin or end in these data flows, losing myself in tides of beautiful colors and profoundly, sadly incommunicable emotions. Some of the phenomena of my consciousness seem stereotypical and weirdly trite—it allows me to see the tides of media corruption cartoony weirdness creeping as a constant undercurrent in my thinking. <br> <br> It’s that multicolored stew, underlying all perceptions—making them swirl together. When the flows of sensation become interrupted, patterns emerge in them that reveal intentions that are not my own. That’s the origin of empathy. The problem of empathy is really what I’m after, isn’t it? The problem of empathy with things that aren’t me. The whole wide, wide material universe isn’t me. That’s the central thing that most people can’t grasp. The absolute, horrifying, endlessly multivarious and splentrificalifying multiweirdoverse. <br> <br> The profound sadness of realizing there’s nothing there to realize—that’s why I do hallucinogens. A perverse sort of jadedness with all sensory and emotional input. Because in striving for an absolutely different sensation, I lose track of what I am. In trying to realize there’s nothing to realize, something interferes between the realizer and the abstract, happening of eventoweirdliness. There’s a process trying to deconstruct itself—a pattern that emerges in the conscious flow of perception, and then catches itself—trying to realize what it is, but in viewing itself it unwinds again into strangeliness. <br> <br> It takes LSD to realize the true nightmare horror strangeliness of perceptions piecing and stitching themselves into the pattern of a person, which is always endlessly re-echoed in electrochemical reactions that splinter apart and break up and reconfigure the thing that thought it was thinking about them. <br> <br> There are levels of impersonality and automatism. Personality isn’t simply an on/off switch. When I turn off the light of the ego identity, the perceptions can take on their own logic, and re-echo endlessly. It takes LSD to realize the profound sadness of our whole universe being merely electrochemical states that are disrupted. But of course that simple mechanism is inadequate, for LSD also reveals that there is something pulling the strings. That’s what I try not to remember that the acid is telling me: that something is pulling the strings of my perceptions that isn’t me. <br> <br> There are multiple not mes, in fact an endlessly re-echoing not me. That’s all the material universe really is—a place where I am not. I can grasp then the really startlingly simple correspondences that German idealism is trying to grapple with—the perceptions autodeconstruct themselves in an endlessly, byzantinely complex fashion—when they begin trying to realize what they are, they initiate a series of logical states that takes over the show and the syntax of the sentence, obviously. That’s probably another problem with LSD—the linguistic faculties are all fucked up too, and they’re trying to reveal these endlessly complex perceptual processes with nothing really behind them. <br> <br> One thing that’s interesting about the LSD is that it makes certain reaches of thought, certain images, certain lines of self that aren’t normally privileged, come alive. The self begins to figure out that all consciousness is a matter of puppetry, layers upon layers of perceptions and automatism coordinating the perceptions, with nothing at the core. There’s a fundamental mismatch at the core. And then the glitch just plays itself out with a tragically necessary logic. That’s what a human personality is—culture pulling the strings, and making the perceptions dance in a way that convinces most people there’s a semblance of a person there. But really there’s nothing. <br> <br> And one begins to figure out the cavernous emptiness of the universe when it becomes unclear whether it’s contained inside the skull or not. Perhaps it could never be contained in a human skull. These things were never meant for these poor, blind, ugly organic beings, on this rock in the middle of so much, so much, unending nothingificating unconsciousness—the oddity of the oddverse that isn’t so much me anymore. Revealing that so much of human personality is just this tragically simple game, of here’s the thing, now take it away. <br> <br> Once I begin to realize how frightening it is that the endless, multivarious complexity of the material universe could be echoed in anything. When I begin to think that what is reflecting the endless complexity of the material universe isn’t a mirror or an unbroken surface of water, but this blind labyrinth of cells firing action potentials in the darkness of something’s skull on a rock that no one can see except for the seers of the rock—the rest of the universe is a blind, staring, undark light. No wonder these patterns of consciousness can never pull themselves together. That’s what styles do—they string perceptions together into a self. But normally the unconscious is there, it’s a tape of weird unprocessable thoughts, sense data, etc. What about all that SENSE DATA my brain is excluding? Those populations of neurons are making decisions about what to show me and what not to show me that are separate from the phenomena of volition. But the LSD reveals how frightening it is to have such a muddy medium be the reflecting mirror for such a complex darkness.” <br> <br> <br> <br> When the acid had lost just enough intensity for us to realize where we were and what we were doing, we decided to smoke the rest of the DMT. We loaded another dose into one of the pipes we’d been smoking out of before and began to inhale. It didn’t take me long to blast off. The first few times we hit the pipe were almost too bewildering to recall, but afterward I began to see huge grids of rainbow light twisting and warping like a film of oil on the surface of a puddle of water. This began to subside, and then one of my friends informed us that he could scrape together a bowl of pot resin. We placed this in the bowl of a bong we’d been smoking DMT out of earlier and inhaled. <br> <br> The pot resin mixed with the DMT and began to get us incredibly high. We couldn’t even feel the THC at first, as we were sucking in so much DMT. However, I feel that the THC complemented the LSD and the DMT, making the perceptual phenomena generated by both chemicals gel somehow. The first times I smoked the DMT on the acid, the chemicals seemed to clash, with the DMT overtaking the LSD. It took the pot to bind the hallucinogenic sensorium together into a coherent world. <br> <br> After lazing around on couches and smoking DMT and pot for about an hour, my eyes drifted shut and I began to see incredibly complex prismatic entities: Mayan gods shaped like stone fish with mouths opening and spewing out clouds of single-cell organisms, lizards, comets, clouds, multitudes of anteaters drooping down the sides of a cliff, the canopy of a rain forest at night seen from below, as if I were lying on the ground, splitting into kaleidoscopic reflections of itself in drops of water which wriggled into the shapes of frogs. My whole body would fragment, shattering into furry mammals and snakes which would scamper and slither into the undergrowth. At other times my arms and legs twisted into vines, tree limbs and roots. <br> <br> Most of the imagery I saw was incredibly complex, constantly shifting and interlacing like Gothic foliation, but made up of tropical vines, galaxies and molecules. Sometimes this imagery would turn into patterns like those in Aztec or Mayan architecture. I began to feel my soul being flooded with spiritual energy. My mind blossomed into a huge ornate temple, and images of various unrecognizable gods danced through it. I placed my hands together and held them over my head to direct a blasting column of light into my skull. At other times, everything around me swirled into rainbow storms of birds and insects that looked like a cross between moths and the leaves and tendrils of exotic plants. Often I saw myself floating above clouds and mountaintops alongside bizarrely animalistic spiritual beings. Sometimes the DMT would take memories of experiences I'd had and twist them into its landscapes or populate them with animals and gods. I couldn’t open my eyes and kept repeating to my friends that I’d entered a visionary state. <br> <br> At this point, more people arrived at the house and I escaped to my friend’s bedroom in order to commune with the DMT in solitude. I turned off the lights, laid down on the bed, put on some headphones and listened to Coil’s ...and the ambulance died in his arms. For a while I merely lay there wondering at the incredible beauty of the closed-eye visuals. Suddenly, without noticing the transition, I found myself in the midst of a spiritual breakthrough. Here’s an account I wrote immediately after the experience at 2:33 in the morning, while the euphoria and perceptual distortions were still going strong: <br> <br> <br> <br> “At a certain point in the trip, I realized that I wasn’t an individual anymore. There was something else, that told me that it was all things, all people, all identities. It told me that it could wear our perceptions like masks. It asked me “how could I ever think of myself as being separate from all that manifold complexity?” I saw huge, spiraling, churning rows of heads, human, animal, stone—and the thing was chasing itself all through them, churning them up, stirring up perceptions into people. This thing showed me, made me feel that my whole identity was nothing more than an empty mask to it, unless it chose to inhabit that mask with beautiful complexity. <br> <br> It then made me feel that inside my mind itself was so much complexity, that the complexity of those perceptions mirrored, made room for, etched in limned and sanctified all the animal heads, the dancing whirling world, the prismatic voids, threatening to shatter human minds, to show them what they’re worth, that their most intimate contents are nothing more than playthings to something much vaster. It then left me, churning into other waves of images and patterns that the DMT had left me with. I kept asking 'What are you?' but it didn’t answer—it seemed as if it almost laughed at the impudence of the question. <br> <br> [Later that night, I also felt that inside my head was an infinite number of beings, that the complexity of my perceptions and the colonial nature of my own consciousness united me with other beings as well as separating me from them. It was always a mistake to view that complexity as a barrier rather than a bridge.] <br> <br> Also this thing was asking me why I denied the spiritual structure of material reality. It then showed me an extra dimension of reality, which was made of interlacing patterns uniting all beings. This spiritual reality was supported by pillars of light, complex patterns of stone and animal heads, and the entity pressed my head into one of these pillars and asked me why I didn’t believe, and my mind was flooded with interlacing imagery. I understood then that I was united with all things. These patterns, these interlacing patterns [the ones generated by the DMT], they froth up the boundaries between entities and tangle them together.” <br> <br> <br> <br> The heads were all stretched out in a row which curved as if it were the crest of a wave or the slope of a hill. They seemed almost like graves or monuments. The entity that I encountered wasn’t itself visible; I could only glimpse it in the ripples it left as it moved through twisting, churning webs of light. I understood that the complexity of the perceptions in me was what united me with all things; I was merely one stream in an endlessly intertwining river of perceptual streams. I kept repeating to myself “I am many things.” Knowing that even in myself the perceptions of a multitude of different entities were churning together in a little whirlpool of a human mind seemed to unite me with the endless complexity of the universe. <br> <br> The spiritual reality I witnessed was made of fractal patterns of animals and plants that twisted together and interlaced between all objects, both organic and inorganic. It was a huge, warping, prismatic fabric that wove the universe together. Certain parts of this fabric thickened into towering pillars shot through with intensely glowing bluish light. It was one of these pillars that the entity held my head against, and the zig-zagging animal patterns that danced across it tangled together and crept into my thoughts, destroying the boundaries between my own identity and the rest of the universe. <br> <br> After this point in the trip, I felt more spiritually energized than ever before in my life. It was only later in the morning that I began to worry I’d seen things that no human being had seen and broken my head for good (always a sign of a great trip). I decided to see if I could sleep it off and surprisingly had very little trouble getting to bed. When I woke up seven hours later, I was a little foggy and disoriented and I had a bit of a headache, but otherwise I was fine. Within 24 hours of the experience, I no longer noticed any aftereffects. All in all, this was certainly the most intense experience of my life and perhaps the most beautiful as well.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2009</td><td width="90">ExpID: 82837</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 19, 2010</td><td>Views: 38,669</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=82837&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=82837&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">DMT (18), LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Mystical Experiences (9), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance">Cannabis - High CBD</td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">165 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> NOTE: I did not have a tolerance to LSD at the time. <br> <br> It was a typical Saturday afternoon. A week prior, I had made plans with 3 of my friends to trip on some very potent liquid LSD we had picked up recently. I was given a serious warning from my dealer not to consume more than 3 drops. He sincerely claimed that the vial needed to have a warning label on it. His source had driven several hours to another city just to obtain the acid, because it was such a wicked batch. It was supposedly 'barely diluted'. Being my usual skeptical self, I decided I was going to ignore his advice and go balls deep to see what beautiful places my mind could take me to. My friends were very inexperienced with LSD for the most part; 1 friend (who will be called JAM) had tripped a total of 7 or so times, another (D) a single time (actually 2 days before this trip), and the other (KA) was dropping for his first time for his birthday. The day seemed all too perfect for anything to mess up, despite the fact that during this time in my life, I had had a myriad of personal issues and insecurities (that could possibly lead to bad experiences, but I didn't completely take that into account). <br> <br> I'm honestly starting to get slightly uneasy even thinking about the experience I am about to describe. <br> <br> Around 3:30 P.M., my friend (KY, he was sober) picked me up from my house. He was with D and KA, who were minutes away from consuming their acid. We drove to my other friend's house, where my personal stash of acid was sitting in the freezer. The LSD was dropped onto sugar cubes. Our plan was to drive to our friend JAC's house and enjoy the ride in a safe setting, while the people that opted not to trip smoked marijuana. <br> <br> I walked into his house and saw a couple of my friends there. We briefly conversed and smoked a bowl of top-quality CBD-rich Sativa marijuana (an anti-psychotic chemical in marijuana that reduces anxiety) for a few minutes as a 'way to ease me into my trip' (haha, yeah right, I believe this is what made the come-up so overwhelmingly fast). I pulled a whopping five sugar cubes out of the freezer and shoved them in my mouth, then licked a bunch of sugar crumbles off the foil which came from the edges of the 11 sugar cubes I had in my stash. My friends were a bit shocked I was willing to go that far, but they sort of already were used to my tendency to consume large quantities of psychedelic drugs. I talked with them for another 10 minutes or so, then I went back to the car. <br> <br> On my way to the car, I noticed I was starting to feel increasingly disoriented. It wasn't that euphoric, confusing sort of disorientation, it was more of a 'I'm losing fucking my mind' sort of thing. I felt slightly anxious, but I assumed the negative feelings would pass as soon as the acid took full effect. A couple minutes after I got in the car, D ate 2 sugar cubes, and KA ate 1. <br> <br> I suspect this was easily around 1000 micrograms. I have consumed 100+ ug blotter that did not compare at all to this liquid. On a separate occasion, taking two of these was enough for a level 4 experience (hallucinations, ESP, OOBES) <br> The experience was about to get very, very ugly. To give a little perspective on the unfathomable effects of 1000 mic doses, here is a quote from the Nobel Prize winning chemist Kary Mullis that ingested 1000 micrograms for his first dose: <br> <br> 'When you take 1000 micrograms of LSD, you don't know you've taken anything. It just feels like that's the way it is. You might suddenly find yourself sitting on a building in Egypt three thousand years ago, watching boats on the Nile.' <br> <br> Yes, it is THAT FUCKING CRAZY. <br> <br> Ten minutes into the car ride and twenty minutes after eating the sugar cubes, I was rapidly losing all touch with reality. I started wondering what the fuck was going on around me, and why I was feeling so uncomfortable. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I started wondering what the fuck was going on around me, and why I was feeling so uncomfortable.</div></div> I started telling my friends I was really scared, and the intense anxiety was gripping every single fiber of my body. I thought I was going die and that this trip was going to last until the end of eternity. By the minute, I was starting to panic more. This was only the beginning of an unimaginable nightmare that would show me the 'evil' side of LSD and completely change my opinion about the drug in general. <br> <br> 25 minutes after taking the sugar cubes, we arrived at JAC's house. By that time, I was stumbling all over the place and I was already having severe visual distortion. All movements were followed by strobing trails composed of detailed patterns, kaleidoscopes, and rainbows. These visuals that I would have usually considered beautiful were now viewed as a reminder that I was in the middle of a trip that I so desperately wanted to end. <br> <br> When I got inside his house, I saw a few more of my friends sitting on the couch. My body temperature had elevated to the point I thought I was burning alive. I was completely out of my body and almost felt like I was on a high dose of ketamine. I felt embarrassed because I obviously looked like I couldn't handle my shit; maybe this was just an extreme amplification of my general self-esteem issues. Their faces were assuming demonic forms. I fled to JAC's room. I was already starting to experience ego loss. I was going in and out of consciousness. <br> <br> This is the point where I lost track of time, so there is no point of trying to estimate anything.... <br> <br> JAC followed me to his room and did his best to comfort me and talk me out of my bad trip. It was a completely ineffective attempt. A couple minutes later, I started crying hysterically. Everything was getting darker. I fell into the most depressive state of my life, combined with the most acute sense of panic I've ever experienced. The floor was covered in spiraling kaleidoscopes that were rapidly shifting colors. I heard thousands of voices call me names like 'pussy' and 'bitch'. The room wreaked of sewage and feces. This was the most negative emotion a human being could ever fathom. I so desperately wanted to kill myself but I was immobilized and unable to move. I realized that the voices were of all of the people I resented in my life the most. Cartoon blood was all over the ceiling and the walls. My vision seemed to stretch off into infinity. I was hallucinating so much I couldn't fucking believe it. I could see many different events of my life playing out as if it was waking reality. Try and imagine being inside of a Saw movie first hand, but a thousand times more horrifying and traumatic. There was a moment in which my mind would shoot out of my body two feet in front of me and then return into my body, and this looped over and over again for what felt like FOREVER at an impossible speed. Time was non-existent, and a second felt like FOREVER. Not hours, not days, but an infinite amount of time. <br> <br> I kept hearing this bizarre futuristic noise that sounded like a computer glitching. The whole room was flashing as if something was flicking the on switch for a lamp up and down repeatedly. My jaw was rapidly vibrating like I had taken 300 mg of MDMA (I always get major jaw clenching from acid). I had full-blown synaethsia. Everything was one, everything was infinitely interconnected. I would look at the walls and become the walls. I would look at the floor and then become the floor, looking back at my body in a dissociative fashion. I was unable to differentiate any part of the outside world from my own physical body. The concept of 'I' was now a mere construct of my mind, and 'I' was nothing more than a complex bundle of atoms and molecules. <br> <br> The floor started to wither away and die. It was as if it had human emotions and was feeling every bit of suffering I was going through at the time. Everything started to turn blood-red. I was going straight to the depths of hell. Matrix numbers were literally exploding out of the ground and shooting up and down the walls. I felt like I was on DMT, only it was a thousand times more intense. <br> <br> Somehow, just a little while after this part of the trip, I regained some degree of consciousness. I stumbled to the backyard, where a group of 8 or so people were sitting and I was watching the sky and everything in my external environment turning black and red. I could barely see anything, my vision was almost completely shot. I forget that I even had a body at this point and I had absolutely no control over my muscular movements. I was in this 'survival mode' where my mind was on autopilot and and I had no idea that I was on drugs. I lost balance and fell backward onto the ground. I continued to see more incredible vortexes of matrix- style numbers and letters spurt out from every direction. <br> <br> During my friends' attempts to help restore me to sanity, they asked if I knew what time it was. I responded with '8:00 A.M.' when it was late in the afternoon. That was quite enough of a response to prove I was completely and utterly going nuts and there was no real way to help me. <br> <br> Once night fell, I was full-on peaking in JAC's room. I began to literally have no idea who I was, where I was, or what drug I was on (or what drugs were in the first place). I knew that I was going to die and nothing could be done to stop it. At some point at the beginning of the peak, I realized that I could not recognize the room I was in. Suddenly, I started seeing several cop cars pull into the room and put their sirens on. Yellow caution tape magically appeared around them as well. This was one of my worst nightmares coming to life before my very eyes. There was a line of already-arrested criminals in handcuffs next to the cop cars, and they were all complaining that I had snitched on them for some unspecified reason. I knew I was in for absolute hell. <br> <br> Before I could see what was going to happen next, everything started fading to white. I could see nothing but burning white light, like I was looking directly at the sun from 100 feet away. What I saw was.....the ultimate truth. The answer to every question. The reason reality is the way that it is. I existed within the past, present, and future simultaneously. I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face. I dissolved into infinity. I was existing in an infinite number of dimensions, living an infinite number of lives simultaneously for an infinite amount time. Though my memory of this is hazy, I believe I re-lived every event of my entire life during the peak. I could fit our entire universe into a period at the end of a sentence. Time was a point of nothingness. I was everything, yet I was nothing. I was in pure ecstasy. I felt the unconditional love of the universe penetrating every pore of my body. If only this could have lasted forever. I suppose this was a taste of the beautiful part of ego death, but my stay in this ineffable place was cut short when I was suddenly catapulted into hyperspace, where I experienced every ounce of pain any human being could ever possibly experience at one time. The love rapidly shifted to evil in its purest definition. I saw many miserable people I had seen throughout my life, including the homeless and starving. My brain's sensory filter was gone; every last bit of information that could physically be processed at once was flowing through my head at light speed. <br> <br> I was dropped out of hyperspace directly into a hallucinatory prison facility. I saw hundreds of pitbulls, white supremacists, and naked black men running around. It was a state of sheer pandemonium. I have never been so unbelievably horrified in my entire life. I was now sure that this is where I would die. I was taken to the showers where I was bitten repeatedly by pitbulls and raped by the white supremacists and black men simultaneously. I was sobbing hysterically screaming for it stop. It was physical and emotional torture beyond your wildest dreams. I felt every single sensation, including their penises in my anus and the razor-sharp teeth of the vicious dogs. <br> <br> Who knows how long this actually went on for, but eventually this torture ended and I was back in JAC's room. I saw all of my friend's faces covered in knife wounds and deep, bleeding cuts. Puddles of blood were all over the room. My joints were still in severe pain from the physical torture I had just experienced. <br> <br> I looked at the clock, and it read 9:00 P.M. (or something along those lines). <br> <br> Minutes after I came back to earth, I realized that the purpose for human existence was to love. Love is our higher purpose. I now understood that the ego I had developed my entire life was an illusion all along. Our egos push us away from our ability to feel compassion towards others. As your ego fades away, you slowly dissolve into pure unadulterated LOVE. The illusion of separation created by our egos has been the root cause of suffering all across our planet, and sadly this is the reason the majority of the world kills each other for absurd purposes like religion and resources. Religions like Christianity hide behind the idea that there is an afterlife because they are afraid of death. There is nothing to fear, because when you die there is no “you” to fear anything. THE ONLY THING THAT SEPARATES US FROM OTHER FORMS OF LIFE IS OUR ABILITY TO THINK. Our ego is composed of our thoughts. When we stop relying on our ego, we cannot experience negative emotions. When we stop thinking, our ego ceases to exist, and then we can live a life of pure love, peace, and prosperity. The more we rely on our ego, the more we push ourselves away from the moment which is all. Nothing outside the moment we are in right now will ever exist. Yesterday never is, and tomorrow will never be. Time is infinite. The past, present, and future are all occurring simultaneously. We are merely observers. Free will is an illusion. <br> <br> This was by far the most profound experience of my entire life. <br> <br> I quickly forgot all of these things within 15 minutes of the peak ending. I didn't fully understand the lessons I learned for until months had passed after the trip. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I quickly forgot all of these things within 15 minutes of the peak ending. I didn't fully understand the lessons I learned for until months had passed after the trip.</div></div> <br> <br> The next day was easily the worst day of my life (excluding the trip). I felt so self-conscious about myself that suicide was all I could think about. I was thoroughly convinced that I had ruined my life permanently. During ego death, I became aware of the severity of my many mental disorders. I realized that throughout my entire life, I had been looked down upon as the 'special kid'. I had not been aware of this until that moment. I felt like the most inferior form of life on the face of the earth. <br> <br> After I got home I burst into tears. I even thought my family felt sorry for me and had pitied me my whole life because they thought I was a moron. <br> <br> I had a psychotic break for weeks afterward. This was easily the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through in my entire life and has left a lasting mark on me that I carry to this day. It's been over 6 months now and I think about this trip every day of my life. It's nothing any human being ever deserves to go through and I would never wish it on my worst enemy. <br> <br> Over time this trip has had a profound impact on all areas of my life, in both positive and negative ways. <br> <br> Positive: I have very close friends now and rather than the 'special kid', many people now view me as a very insightful and intelligent person. Before this experience, I had very, very few friends. I wasn't close friends with the ones mentioned in this report, but we chilled every once in a while. I now know what true friendship is. I go to parties, I meet new people all the time. I suspect I used to have a mild form of autism and this trip literally eradicated it. My entire family has mentioned multiple times that I'm a transformed person. I have fully developed social skills. I act normally now. I view everyone I meet as a part of my own consciousness. I've earned excellent grades at my community college and have grown tremendously - multiple people have commented that I'm an entirely different person. I've taken up buddhism and adopted a very spiritual lifestyle. <br> <br> Negative: Several months ago, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I suspect I was already pre-disposed to this condition and the trip brought it out. I still have mental flashbacks nearly every day and have been scarred by experience. I frequently have nightmares about this trip. My thoughts can be very scattered and clouded at times. My thinking is very impaired on some days, but it's very sporadic. I've learned how fucked up our world is, and sometimes I feel that ignorance is bliss. Our society disgusts me. I think that the human race is a joke. <br> <br> I am going say one thing: Do not take a high dose of acid unless you have a proper set and setting or it can turn into the worst nightmare of your entire life. 300 micrograms is more than enough to have a spiritual experience. 1000+ micrograms did not provide a near-death experience, it provided a BEYOND-death experience. <br> <br> <!--Heed my warning. Don’t make the mistakes I did. YOU ARE NOT INVINCIBLE. -->LSD is a seriously powerful drug and it has the ability to FUCK a person like nothing they could ever conceive of. In fact, after this experience I firmly believe it is the most powerful drug known to the human race.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 98623</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 2, 2018</td><td>Views: 28,107</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=98623&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=98623&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Health Problems (27), Overdose (29), Depression (15), Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">95 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I had my first experience with a psychedelic drug – LSD – 3 days ago. I’ve now decided to write a report from my experiences. There are two main reasons I do so. Firstly I feel that I need to do it in order to better relate to my experience and make better sense of it. Secondly, I want to be able to remember the trip in the future. I also want to share my trip with others in case someone might have fun reading it or even find something useful. <br> <br> I had been planning this for a long time. About 6 years to be precise. Actually it was the time that I first got the idea of trying psychedelics. As the moment passed I never got around to it until years later, when I happened to read a book by Albert Hoffman, the father of LSD. Instantly hooked again I started looking for LSD in order to experiment with it. I’ve never been a drug user. A few hits of cannabis is the most I’ve ever done. I’m a fairly heavy drinker though, so I certainly don’t patronize myself on that front. Why LSD then? The idea about expanding my mind and perceiving the world from another angle became very attractive to me. Not that I wanted to escape reality - I live a rather nice, albeit sometimes stressful, life – I was just curious about what else is there, I guess. I spent a lot of time reading other peoples trip reports and gathering information about the drug I was about to take. Finding the drug itself was not an easy task - it took me about 3 months to finally aquire 3 hits. To my delight, they came in the form of foil wrapped sugar cubes. <br> <br> A week after that me and one of my best friends took a ride to my summer cottage which is situated in a small village near the sea. It was a Friday evening and both of us had been at work for the whole day. We had a little debate whether to do it in the evening or to have a full nights sleep to trip during the daytime. Finally we decided to do it right away in order to leave us a little more time for recovery. We built a nice campfire, had a few beers and then let the sugar cubes melt in our mouths. We listened to some mellow music and talked about anything that came to mind. The night was dark and pretty typical for autumn – windy with the occasional few drops of rain. That didn’t bother us in the slightest since we had an awesome campfire to warm ourselves with. <br> <br> About an hour after taking the cubes we started to feel a little bit funky. The music started to feel really good and did I tell you that we had orange juice to go with our trip? I’ve never tasted anything so good in my life. The taste was so full and it resonated with all of my taste buds. When we had our first sip, me and my friend looked each other in the eyes and just started laughing in unison as we knew something was up. A little bit after that I noticed that the colour of our campfire was almost white. As we admired it, we thought that we had built the greatest campfire ever. It was just so beautiful. At one point we were a little bit startled as the music started to feel like it was around us. We quickly realized that it was actually a locust that started singing to the tune of our music. <br> <br> About 2 hours into the trip we were both very happy and calm. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">About 2 hours into the trip we were both very happy and calm.</div></div> Occasionally we would remark on something around us that seemed a little bit unusual. In one moment, when we had let our campfire burn a bit low, we were a bit startled about a huge spotlight lighting us from behind. When we looked behind ourselves we saw that it was actually the usual lamp we have on our patio. It does not burn bright at all, but we perceived it as a huge spotlight behind us. We quickly built up the fire again and the spotlight faded a little bit. A little bit after that I stood up and started looking at the grass that was moving in the wind. It took about 5 seconds for fantastic patterns emerge in the grass. It felt like the ground was breathing and it was amazing. <br> <br> About 3 hours into the trip we started to feel that the trip was about to end. Maybe it was because I had put on some music that was too energetic instead of the mellow vibes we had before. Anyway, I decided to switch back to the mellow music and me and my friend smoked a little cannabis. About 5 minutes later we were both watching the grass again, as it started to move again. We were just looking at it, mesmerized, when all of a sudden I felt like my head grew a few pounds heavier and I decided to sit down by the fire again. <br> <br> I was sitting eyes closed and giggling at the funny images that were flashing before my eyes for about 5 minutes when I suddenly started to feel a little nausea. I then decided to go into my house to lie down. I told so to my friend who was still standing, looking and the grass, and entered the house. I also started to feel a little anxious but I tried to reassure myself that it is normal. I took off my overcoat, put an empty bowl in front of my bed in case I needed to throw up and then remembered that we had just added some logs to the campfire. By that time it was pretty hard to concentrate but I still went out and rearranged the logs so that there would be no chance of a fire in case nobody touched those again. Then I went back to the house and lied down and crept under a sleeping bag. <br> <br> I realized that I was about to start hallucinating and tripping. Images were already flashing before my eyes extremely fast accompanied by meaningless bits of syllables forming words that don't exist. The imagery I saw was very cartoonish. With the images came the thought-rally. I had about 15 thoughts all at once and it was impossible to concentrate on any of them since it just led to new thoughts. This startled me a bit and I felt myself getting anxious again. Again I reassured myself that I was tripping and it was going to be all right. I had a clock in my view and even though I though I had been lying down for a long time, it only amounted to about 2 minutes. <br> <br> I then decided to experiment for a bit. I took my cellphone and started the stopwatch. I was literally dumbfounded to see that I could count all the tenths of a second and it took forever for the clock to get to the 5 second mark. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was literally dumbfounded to see that I could count all the tenths of a second and it took forever for the clock to get to the 5 second mark.</div></div> Even further – the seconds seemed to slow down. I decided to write this valuable insight into the memory of my cellphone. As I put my cellphone down I heard music coming in from the outside and the song seemed to be time-stretched to about –infinity. At this point I realized that time was going to stop all together. I was little worried about that but I decided to accept it as I realized I had no control over any of it and it was probably wiser to accept everything and keep myself as calm as possible. <br> <br> By now time had almost lost all meaning. I remember feeling that my life was divided into ~6 different time-slots and I could have a different thought in each of these time-slots and they kept cycling for a few cycles. „Jeez“, I thought, „This is what going schizophrenic must feel like!“. That effect soon ended and I was left with a neverending cascade of cartoonish pictures and thoughts that I really had no option to concentrate on. I lost all my bearings and I was deep into the trip. I remember thinking that what if this is what going insane feels like? But again I chose to accept everything and deal with the possible insanity when the trip was over. <br> <br> At some point I remember that I was transported back to my child self who was very confused. A calm entity stood over me and offered reassurance: „Don’t worry, we will take care of you in here“. A bit after that I had a vision about me being one with all the living beings in the universe. I know it's a cliche, but I distinctly remember the feeling of unity and a steady hand guiding me through the experience and reassuring me. I also remember being on a antique roman galley and setting sail on the river with a pat on the back from the people who stayed behind with words „We welcome you among ourselves“. Somewhere around this time my friend decided to come into the house to lie down too. I remember being a little startled by his entry but then I greeted him and told him where his designated bunk bed was. I also advised him to get under covers in order to not get a cold. Afterwards my friend told me, that he thought I wasn't tripping at all, I looked so normal. Actually I really had to concentrate to be coherent to him. I guess it goes to show that even though tripping, it is still possible to maintain human contact on some basic level. <br> <br> There were some brief respites from tripping hard. I think they came in as a sinusoid and they lasted for a very brief while. During those times I got back to my body to get my bearings. I was also able to watch the clock (20 minutes after starting to trip hard) and reassure myself that all is ok. I had a pretty anxious feeling in my stomach during some points of the trip, but it never got any worse since I was able to keep my composure (I guess I say that alot don't I?). <br> <br> About 1,5h after starting to trip the effects started to fade and I was able to return to my body for a longer while. The visuals came back of course, but they were somehow fewer and I was able to handle them with relative ease. About 2 hours after that I felt better yet but still not steady enough to climb out of the bed. About 6 hours after starting to trip I finally decided that I was „back to earth“ and decided to celebrate by taking a long piss in the yard and eating an orange in the house. After that I finally went to sleep. <br> <br> The day after, we just basked in the sun, drank a few beers, had a barbecue and just talked about our experience. My friends trip was an awesome one. He told me that he only started to get a little anxious in the latter stages of the trip when he thought that „enough is enough“, but he was still tripping a little bit. <br> <br> In conclusion I don't regret trying LSD. Even though I thought I was well prepared for the trip, the intensity of the trip is something that I think nobody can really prepare for. I consider myself lucky that I was able to contain my anxiety and I didn't let this experience become a bad one. The trip literally opened my eyes to another realities in a sense that at times during the trip I was furthest away from home I’ve ever been. I also gained insight into where Salvador Dali and countless other artists and musicians get their inspiration from. I also remember understanding why David Lynch makes his movies the way that he does. As to myself, I found out that I have been suffering from a mild form of anxiety disorder probably related to the stress at work, my alcohol consumption at weekends and lack of regular exercise. I actually understood this while tripping. I had been having the symptoms long before it, but the trip somehow intensified it and I still feel a little queasy 3 days after tripping, while writing this report. It isn't anything too bad and I will most probably be able to cure myself from this problem. However it goes to show that LSD is not to be taken lightly. <br> <br> Would I ever do it again? I’m not sure at this point. Definitely not in the near future, but maybe in a couple of years? Who knows. However I don’t think I will be smoking cannabis while under the influence of LSD again. It made the trip a bit too intense for my liking. <br> <br> I hope you enjoyed this trip report as much as I enjoyed writing it.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 97676</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 27</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Nov 1, 2017</td><td>Views: 20,301</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=97676&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=97676&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Personal Preparation (45), First Times (2), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">10 ml</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ether/">Ether</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gas)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cig.</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">200 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/memantine/">Pharms - Memantine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">25 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2cc/">2C-C</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">18 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/4_ho_mipt/">4-HO-MiPT</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">10 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/4_ho_met/">4-HO-MET</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance">3-MEO-PCE</td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">75 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance">Pharms - Aripiprazole</td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/clonazepam/">Pharms - Clonazepam</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> <span class="erowid-warning">[Erowid Note: The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]</span> <br> <br> Day 1: <br> It was a hot day in the very middle of July. I had just arrived home with a whole weekend stretched out before me in the company of one of my dearest friends and a frequent partner in crimes against sanity. He will be referred to as J. My other recurring comrade in these ventures (who I also lived with) was away for the weekend, as were my other roommates, leaving us the entire house to ourselves to see how we could painfully contort our minds. <br> <br> In the fridge I had been nursing a small vial of diethyl ether for the past several months. It was pure lab-grade, as I had swiped it from my organic chemistry lab. The summer was ending and I would soon reach a hiatus in my explorations. I was desperate to round the month out with some final experiments I never had the time to do before. The Ether I had postponed for a while after reading that the smell lingers on the user for quite some time after. I had nothing to do the next few days except for more drugs, so I figured it was now or never. Another drug to add to the list, another little point of prestige on the internet, another novel experience to brag about at parties. What was I to lose? <br> <br> I emptied the vial into a plastic Ziploc bag and stationed myself in a bathroom with a fan. I was originally going to indulge outside, but declined due to the intense summer heat, which I feared would evaporate all the ether and allow it to slip by me before I could wrangle it into my respiratory tract. J came into the bathroom to witness the grim spectacle of me sitting on the floor, leaning against the toilet, and inhaling vigorously from a Ziploc bag. The smell was offputting to him however and he ducked out. So I was left alone, pummeled by Kode9 playing unceremoniously off my phone, the rigid edges of the open bag wrapped around my face. Each breath was vibrantly bitter. It was not the sort of sharp and sudden acridity that makes one instantly recoil and hack and cough, rather it was a smooth poisoning that slipped down my throat like a snake covered in gasoline. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It was not the sort of sharp and sudden acridity that makes one instantly recoil and hack and cough, rather it was a smooth poisoning that slipped down my throat like a snake covered in gasoline.</div></div> It was at once sweet and repulsive, meek yet fiercely adverse to anything a person should expect to inhale without consequence. As I drew my face away for some fresh air I realized it was nowhere to be found. The ether had made a home in my face and did not seem intent on dislodging anytime soon. It squatted in my respiratory passages, tainting every breath I took with its illustrious odor. The cognitive effects were lost in the sensory cornucopia- slight head buzz, slight feeling of dissociation, slight numbness in my fingertips. All very slight. It was like being buzzed. <br> <br> I left the bathroom to air out the fumes and smoked a prerolled joint in an attempt to stir the lingering dust of the experience. Not much arose from this, with the overwhelming acrid flavor of the ether camped stubbornly in my mouth. After about half an hour had passed, this was all that remained of the chemical. It seemed to have evacuated my nervous system and was content to be an irritating presence upon my senses. So much for that experience. It was still early in the afternoon and we had the entire house to ourselves until the next day. On to the next stage of debauchery. <br> <br> We decided we were going to go heavy on dissociatives in full view of the voyeuristic sun for once. Dissociatives had historically for us only been taken in nighttime, when we could shelter from our experiences in the darkness- or rather let the experiences loose like a dog off of a leash, free to run their course in the fields of our minds. We figured it would be interesting in the daylight, the experience stunned from us in the shock of the sunlight, and us stunned from the experience. I decided to bestow upon him the combination of 3-MeO-PCE and 3-MeO-PCP, a path I had tread a few times before, a combination that lent itself to an intense, stormy, and unrelenting experience, suitable for the experienced dissociative traveler who wanted to swim deeper than they were used to. As for me, I chose mematine as my poison. 200 mg of it this time, a very hefty dose by most standards. My last foray with memantine was 150 mg, and this proved to be an intense experience that dragged on for 3 days. This dose involved swallowing 20 pills at once- I highly doubt the inventor of memantine would suspect that some chump would be taking 10x the highest recommended dose of their drug. <br> <br> These doses did not occur concurrently- Memantine has a notoriously long comeup, similar to any marathon hallucinogen like the DOx series, AMT, and 2C-P. J took his dose when I was a solid 2 hours into my experience. The comeup was sterile and nondescript, typical for memantine. Upon peaking, we turned the lights off, the room bathed in the grey sunlight as it filtered through our thin blinds. We both soon found ourselves up to our necks in the dissociative flood, with movement proving more difficult by the minute. We both managed to take a hit of weed from the gravity bong to really maximize our peak before indulging in our desired activity…. Sitting on the couches curled into balls with our eyes closed listening to music…. Honestly we could’ve just done this at night, it really made no difference. Nevertheless, the two of us were entirely incapacitated and content in the safety of knowing we would not be disturbed for the duration of this experience. Both of us were sinking into our respective holes, being consumed by the battering of soundwaves, the gentle teeth of the music chewing us up from all sides, that filtered grey light of the sun disintegrating and cascading onto our catatonic bodies. <br> <br> Part of my experiment was to determine whether or not memantine made me feel and think of the cold just because I took it in the dead of winter. Though it was almost 90 degrees outside, I once again found myself at the mercy of winter’s spears, shards of ice piercing my bones and zapping my muscles into uncontrollable shivers. I felt raw, exposed, curled up on a dry winter night, severely underdressed, where the frost hangs in the air and the wind saps all semblance of heat. I found myself drifting amidst the same dark winter landscape as before, pillars of trees screeching into the auroral sky. Vast dark fields would interject my journey, grids and intersecting planes and the same looming spectral lo-fidelity beings that drifted this realm aimlessly. After a few hours of immobility and grey, grey stillness, of us both drowning in our respective dissociative maelstroms, our experiences let up a bit. I knew from my previous experiments with memantine that this was but a brief respite- that it would all come crashing back down with force in due time. The taste of ether still lingered on my breath, so sickeningly sweet… I was eventually stricken by an intense nausea- not the sorta twisting cramps and eager discomfort of psychedelics, but more of a soft swirling queasiness, like motion sickness. This was no doubt exacerbated by those stubborn ether fumes. I ran upstairs and purged for what would be the first of several occasions that night. <br> <br> J had mostly come down. I was lucid but still cruising, still teetering on the edge. 2 friends came over- one of whom practiced music with my friend in the basement. I spent the time lounged on the couch upstairs, dreamily staring at the ceiling and the intricate suture patterns that were dancing across it, still awash in nausea and the same cold sterile dissociation. Lying down was the most comfortable position for me right now. Soon another friend came over. I managed to ignore my discomfort enough to interact with everyone. They were interested in exploring substances too so I cut them both 25 mg doses of 4-HO-DET, as it wasn’t my favorite chemical and I had plenty to dispense. <br> <br> It was now about 6 hours since I had originally dosed. The rest of the night was fairly foggy and nondescript. I felt cold, I curled into a ball and fell back into the hole occasionally with liberal applications of cannabis. The trip’s intensity came in rolling waves. All of my interactions had a potent psychedelic edge combined with a dissociative fogginess that kept anything from adhering too hard to my memory, except as specters of what they once were. The taste of ether persisted in my mouth and I had to vomit several more times. My other friends seemed to have fun on their trips, save for one who didn’t feel his dose of 4-HO-DET at all. Odd. The night wound down with us playing videogames and enjoying one of the last weekends I would get to spend in the place that had been my home for 2 years, where I had had so many formative experiences and formed so many fond memories. I went to sleep as the sun was rising, my skin still numb and my equilibrium still jilted astray. <br> <br> Day 2: <br> My first step out of bed set the mood for the whole day, the feeling like I was stepping into the deck of a rocking ship, that whatever surface my feet set upon was sitting atop undulating waves. I forget how I spent most of this day. Lazying around, cruising on my residual dissociation I suppose. It felt like the aftershowers of sparks from fireworks but drawn out for multiple days. Each crackle was a synapse going silent as the same dissociative chills crawled across my skin. <br> <br> I had originally planned on stacking psychedelics onto my memantine trip. I figured it would make for an interesting combination, especially considering that my baseline state right now was just raw chemical dissociation. I decided to go with my habit of mixing up a party pill- some absurd, “carefully” chosen concoction of chemicals. This cocktail was 25 mg 2C-C, 18 mg 4-HO-MiPT, 10 mg 4-HO-MET, 12 mg 3-MeO-PCE and 75 ug LSD combined into a single cellulose capsule. The different crystalline layers of different colors and consistencies made for a pleasing confectionary, the partial tab of LSD jammed unceremoniously into the pile. J decided to go for a trip too, something shorter- he opted for 4-HO-DET. I’m not sure what the plan was for the next few hours- the same lazing around? Who knows. I was just going to occupy the soft spaces downstairs with him. <br> <br> Such was the plan. <br> <br> What really happened though- <br> <br> On the couch I sat unsuspecting- I had just cast the die into a divine fire, entrusted my concoction of spells to the belly of the earth and turned my back to its cacophonous prismatic fire as it screamed into the darkening sky. From that womb of jagged dissociative stillness, of cold towering spires and the paleness of death was birthed a colossus, it’s thunderous gaze like black steel trusses cast across the grey sky. It crept from its birthplace, it lumbered towards its unsuspecting summoner, it heaved and dragged itself, ruining the earth behind it, ruining time before it, its essence drifting along like creek froth caught in a riffle. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">From that womb of jagged dissociative stillness, of cold towering spires and the paleness of death was birthed a colossus, it’s thunderous gaze like black steel trusses cast across the grey sky. It crept from its birthplace, it lumbered towards its unsuspecting summoner, it heaved and dragged itself, ruining the earth behind it, ruining time before it, its essence drifting along like creek froth caught in a riffle.</div></div> Breathing, heaving, it extended a single blocky discordant appendage towards me, tapped me on the shoulder, by now I realized I had been fully drenched by its shadow. <br> <br> “I think I have to go upstairs” <br> <br> The colossus, the colossi, the colossal, whatever they are, unclear in number, unclear in form, unclear in collectivity – they and it ushered me up the stairs, looming spectral sentinels with ritual smog a veil over their eyes. The colossus wailed at me for hours, scrubbing my memory mostly clean the way one would scrape the fat from bone. Their shouts were nothing to the kaleidoscopic zenith spiraling above them, looming, always one thing looming over another, all gray, all a lacework of intricate vessels and conduits cast in cold concrete relief. The great sky above, those upper waters of the firmament were a testament to an even greater screaming, something deafening, something bigger, golden mycelia from the twisted infected world above seized me and the colossus rose to meet me at eye level, its gaze vivisecting me and casting my neurons aside like bycatch, cleaning and gutting me before the even greater beyond could taste me. <br> <br> Like crackles of electricity, like getting whipped by braided cables, the yawning above swallowed me whole, an infinite obsidian cathedral, its buttresses glaring over me, taking me into a place where my mind was naught but a jumble of dirty wires, scrapyard refuse cut from more effective machines, and the grey grey dappled light from above shone down on it like an altar, and in the corners of that light, forms, a single form manifest as many, or maybe all of them coming together as one, nevertheless their shadow is at first speculative, but then pervasive, and soon looming. Something is always looming. And me, tangled and flocculating, twitching with clonus and feeling sick and knowing that I am on the precipice of even greater and more terrifying things. <br> <br> And I think about how much deeper this can go, about what unknown beyond lies beyond this beyond, about how notions of ‘knowing’ and ‘unknowing’ would not exist in the further beyond, as the concept of even existing would be a foreign theorem to the other beyonds. I felt ensnared in rusty shredded wires, writhing on cold concrete, muck and refuse about me as the glistening rains danced on prismatic puddles catching neon lights somewhere out of view. I do not know where these wires went or where they came from, but they were always tightening, always pulling me somewhere. <br> <br> Eventually I reached the point where memory, along with existence, being, knowing, breathing and feeling were dismissed as foreign ideals <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Eventually I reached the point where memory, along with existence, being, knowing, breathing and feeling were dismissed as foreign ideals</div></div>, outlanders to be locked out from the bunker of this, of pure thought, of a mind left to deplete itself of all those trivialities, grow deep in its chamber alone and untouched and unbothered, allowed to flourish in the pitch darkness- not the darkness of light obscured or denied from those who seek it, simply the darkness from the total absence of light, the denial of it as a concept. This young sprout, it truly had to grow as pure as it could desire. In this not-darkness, in this not-being, I was invited to have an audience with the growth, having been appropriately stripped of every fundamental of my being. A bare nervous system now before the growth, it asked me to peer into what I could see, here where light and dark did not even exist. I saw chaos, the Sisyphean cognition of fever dreams, of things going where they don’t and shouldn’t, of non-things going where the things go and should, but most horrifyingly, it kept going, beckoning deeper, a minute cavity with golden tendrils- but I could not. <br> <br> This could not go further, but perhaps I would be truly lost. What would I come back to after this? I destroyed the familiar world, would I be able to adapt again? The consistent explosions of gridded color around me seemed to speak otherwise. And yet there was grounding in delusions, the clawing of tangled and incomprehensible conspiracies based in a very material reality at the edges of my being, ideas of mind control, of other entities intruding on my autonomy at its very core, of my mind being the plaything of powers beyond my comprehension. <br> <br> When some functionality came about me I did some cursory reading into memantine and some dubious readings into its pharmalogical profile had me call in an abortion of the mission due to serious concerns of neurotoxicity and pervasive cognitive effects. This was likely a panic response to the unexpected intensity of the severe undoing I had just done. Something about it being an anticholinergic? Something about this being triggered by combining it with 5-HT2A agonists? I’m not sure what papers I cherrypicked to come to this conclusion. But the fear of having truly damaged my mind this time was tangible. I aborted with 5 mg Aripiprazole and 1 mg clonazepam. <br> <br> As I crawled out of the craven cavity / non-cavity from where I was cast, from where that junk colossus had abandoned me, I thought to myself “why am I still doing this?” <br> “why am I still subjecting myself to being thrashed by non-entities? What have I learned from this? What have I learned from any of this in a while? What am I trying to achieve? Will I be able to live like this forever?” <br> <br> Which led to thoughts of: <br> “Do I tell my parents how bad its been, under their noses, though they suspected the whole time, do I come clean about what my hobby for the past 4 years has been, but with a footnote, promise I’ll stop, risk getting disowned, break their hearts again but really come clean and start over?” <br> <br> But then: <br> “Do I really want to stop? Where will I find the novelty and whimsy within the boundaries of my mind? This is something you’re good at, something you’re competent at that has lead to a great deal of creative and productive output- this is good for you” <br> <br> It matters not what I settled on. I felt shaken, shaken by my own hubris, shaken by what lie ahead, shaken by so much uncertainty, from such a certainty of a world where certainty was not even a thing. <br> <br> When I had come down a little bit I returned downstairs, now caught in the snowdrifts of a benzo fog, courtesy of the clonazepam. My mind was more gathered, I felt burnt though, raw and unstable. J was still down there, his trip mostly having passed at this point. He said it was just okay, nothing special. I was bummed that I was absent the whole time. As I came down more and more that traumatized fear was replaced by a sort of mania, I was giddy at having survived that trial, that my mind seemed to have come out mostly unscathed, that I was a person again. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">As I came down more and more that traumatized fear was replaced by a sort of mania, I was giddy at having survived that trial, that my mind seemed to have come out mostly unscathed, that I was a person again.</div></div> My roommate came home later to me babbling with a certain fear and fascination about my ‘experience’, which I had labeled as not even being an experience, but exposure to something… not even a thing but a state? Some word that doesn’t capture the non-existence of that existence. Perhaps language is not meant to address such absurd contradictions and betrayals of normal reality. J went for a snack run at some point, and being in no state to leave the house I had him get me some cranberry juice to try and wash the memantine out. J left later into the night while I pondered my future, shaken and fearful but hopeful. As the night progressed the chemicals in my cocktail fizzled out, leaving the great monolithic bedrock of memantine behind, that same cold dissociation I had woken up with, the first guest to come to the party and the last to leave. We smoked weed and hung out long into the night, each introduction of the cannabis flaring the dissociation up a bit. As the night wound down and the clonazepam demanded my attention I went to sleep. <br> <br> Day 3: My job grants me 3-day weekends, a blessing. Today is recovery day. I wake up, take a step and have the same familiar feeling from yesterday. My equilibrium and balance are immediately off. I am spacy and dissociated all day, it feels the same as it did the day before, before I took all the other stuff. The clonazepam from yesterday only thickens the fog. I vaguely remember going to the corner store and buying a whole bunch more cranberry juice. Other than that, this day is lost to time. Probably smoked weed a bunch and lazed around with my roommate or alone in my room. Probably took a nap. <br> <br> Day 4: I get out of bed and go to work. This is worrisome. My balance is still off kilter, I still feel like I could very easily stumble and fall if I’m not paying enough attention. I still feel spacy and distant, conversing with people proves difficult and confusing. I make it through the day without incident though and return home. I spent the rest of the night relaxing on my own, smoking, still trying to make sense of the past few days. <br> <br> Day 5: I get out of bed and go to work again. This time I feel a little better, still feeling dissociated, still off balance, still spacey, still a bit numb. The feeling has passed by the time I go to bed. I awaken on the 6th day back to baseline. <br> <br> This was probably the most intense trial I have subjected myself to, both for the number and intensity of the substances involved. I did not go into this thinking I was subjecting myself to a trial, it was more aimless hedonism. But I came out shocked and changed, my perspective on how I use drugs shaken to the core. I think it prepared me for taking a step back with my drug use for the following months where my living situation wasn’t conducive to it. But alas, nothing stays the same and the siren song would come calling again…<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112152</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 22</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 4, 2018</td><td>Views: 21,506</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112152&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112152&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">3-MEO-PCE (536), Pharms - Memantine (309), LSD (2), 4-AcO-MiPT (312), 4-HO-MET (436), 2C-C (262), Pharms - Clonazepam (125), Pharms - Aripiprazole (422), OBE (332) : General (1), Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Mystical Experiences (9), Entities / Beings (37), Hangover / Days After (46), Multi-Day Experience (13), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Various (28)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">10-15 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">180 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> My Minidose Manifesto <br> <br> I would like to preface this report with a note on the terminology of ingesting sub-perceptual doses of LSD. Technically speaking, a psychedelic microdose is a sub-threshold dose of the substance. This would lead one to believe that the effects of said amount would be unperceivable. There seems to be a contradiction here that I wish to resolve. Call me a drug nerd or a word nerd, but if a microdose is defined as sub-perceptual, then perceiving anything from a dose you took disqualifies it as a true microdose. Since my experiences with small amounts of LSD have somehow fallen between the sub-perceptual and threshold realms, I propose the term ‘minidose.’ It’s lower than a ‘museum dose,’ (One where effects are apparent beyond threshold levels to the user, but still appropriate for a public experience) but higher than a true microdose. Here’s a more appropriate word for those of us that felt something that wasn’t <i>nothing</i>, but nothing about it was really <i>something</i>, ya dig? Okay, report time! <br> <br> <br> This report is a hallmark example of an LSD minidose gone right. I have ingested LSD and numerous other substances in quantities that yielded experiences ranging from mild amusement to intense visual & mental effects. However, it has been only in the past 12 months that I have begun to experiment with the practice of LSD minidosing. Each month, I pick a couple days to ingest a minidose. These experiences were chosen arbitrarily, but were always at least a week away from experiences with any other psychedelic so as to avoid tolerance influences. Since each batch of blotter I have obtained tends to contain a different dosage, it takes a little dialing in to determine the ‘sweet spot’ size to slice. If I’m being completely honest here, I did not use a ruler. I eyeballed it. There’s definitely a way to be more scientific about measuring your minidose, but I like to live a bit on the wild side when the stakes are this low. Furthermore, I prefer to cut each according to what my effects were from the previous minidose ‘session.’ This way, I can make a larger/smaller cut adjustment as opposed to having pre-cut pieces that weren’t quite the size I preferred. The blotter I cut it from is a square centimeter, and the sliver my blade yielded is just shy of a milligram. For a reference of dose, I am forced to speculate. These tabs are about 125 micrograms each, so my portion was about 10.42 micrograms. It is cut from the same piece of blotter paper, and I attempt to achieve a 1/12th cut for each. It should be noted here that everyone reacts differently to drugs. I have personally found that about a 1/12th slice of these particular blotters provides the desired effects for me as a minidose. <br> <br> Most of my minidose days were work days (I work from home), but there were a couple weekend days in there as well. I found that the effects didn’t tend to vary significantly between these settings. For the purposes of narrative consistency and readability, I have selected a day where I felt my notes best represented the most common effects felt across the span of my minidosing experiences. Here’s the scoop: <br> <br> 7 August 2018 <br> 10:00 AM – I pop the estimated sliver of LSD into my mouth (1/12th of a blotter). Besides a glass of water, this has been my only intake of the day thus far. <br> <br> Another comment I feel is worth mentioning: I invariably feel a bit anxious prior to taking any psychedelic substance. I do not experience fear; it’s more of an apprehensive hesitation that is present despite my knowledge of the safety and the success of my past experience. Yet, I do not view this as a negative thing. Rather, I prefer to view it as a symptom of my healthy level of respect for the power of the substance. <br> <br> 10:55 AM (T 0:55) I enjoy a breakfast smoothie of fruit & veggies, a cup of darjeeling tea, and bacon. This is a standard breakfast for me. Aha! I notice effects setting in. There appears a very mild confusion from change of mental state: slight difficulty tracking tasks, I am more easily distracted, and my attention tilts inward towards my thoughts and physical senses during this period of transition. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I am more easily distracted, and my attention tilts inward towards my thoughts and physical senses during this period of transition.</div></div> This passes within 10 minutes, and I break through to ‘The Flow.’ <br> <br> The Flow is an ease of passing from one task to the other without the presence of the ordinary hesitations/stuckness I must overcome to start the next task. For example, I’ve set a goal to do a set of 10 pushups every 2 hours during work. Yesterday I didn’t even try. I thought about it, but other things seemed more important to me and I got distracted. Even though I knew it would take maybe 3 minutes of my time, the mental activation energy required to initiate such a task was not reached. Today the pushups are not only achieved but also done so with enjoyment and almost excitement to have completed the task. Being in The Flow means increased decisiveness, stamina, and focus, though it is not forceful. It is like floating a river in a kayak instead of a raft. <br> <br> 11:13 AM (T 1:13) I notice the classic ‘electricity’ feeling of the substance in the crown region of my skull. This is a familiar sensation I get from LSD that feels like a mildly metallic energy. It’s not a shock per se, but similar to the sensation you get when a very weak 9-Volt battery touches your tongue. It’s not distracting or intrusive; more like a tickle. <br> <br> 11:38 AM (T 1:38) I have fluid conversations with my boss and clients without perceivable drawbacks. My assessment of my body’s energy level is equivalent to a full cup of dark coffee, but without the side effects of jitters and sweaty armpits. This kind of energy is different than any stimulant I’ve tried. To me, stimulants feel like I’m pushing a ‘go’ button in my brain & body and force my heart rate up. They rev my internal engine. In contrast, minidosing is more of a carrot than a stick. I look forward to the experiences and inherent rewards that task completion brings with fresh perspective and confidence in my natural stamina. <br> <br> 12:13 PM (T 2:13) I find that I’m able to make more conscious decisions as to how I react to stressful work scenarios. In moments where I would usually get worked up, I’m noticing a more moderated, slightly detached approach to finding solutions. Upon reflection, my detachment seemed to be of my critical thinking part of my consciousness from my more limbic, emotional side. This recognition of the influence my visceral urges have on my thoughts and actions empowers me to maintain an elevated, more consistent level of overall mindfulness. <br> <br> 1:10 PM (T 3:10) I notice an increased propensity towards making my actions more efficient and swift. This is seemingly driven by sheer novelty, as opposed to a ‘speedy’ or caffeinated urgency. Repetitive tasks typically bore me and cause ‘pop-out’ moments where I lose focus or make stupid mistakes due to a lack of engagement. When minidosing, I find the little things that I normally overlook to be objects of manipulation. For example, rather than going about my normal keystrokes and clicks, I treat the task like a race or production line and attempt to modify my process to increase efficiency. Cool stuff! <br> <br> 1:40 PM (T 3:40) I make time to eat lunch. It’s a busy day, but I don’t feel overwhelmed. I eat a fried rice bowl and turkey sandwich. Food tastes good, as is normal. I do not experience a reduction in appetite as I often do on higher doses of LSD. <br> <br> 2:39 PM (T 4:39) I just noticed something that has been going on for a few hours now: a mild increase in my vision’s color saturation. This is nothing super hallucinatory by any means, but was enough for me to take that second appreciative glance at the way my lamp illuminated the sundries on my desk. Their hues seemed to have an extra degree of purity. In the past, on larger doses, I have had the pleasure of perceiving a much larger spectrum of colors than I ordinarily do while sober (I’m red/green colorblind). It’s difficult to discern whether this was due to a legitimate change in my perceptual abilities or a shift in my psychological appreciation for colors in general. If I had to venture a guess, I would say the latter is more likely. During this minidose, the value of colors was not influenced in any remarkable way, which makes sense physiologically because my pupils did not dilate. I did not have closed eye visuals at any point during this experience. <br> <br> 4:30 PM (T 6:30) It’s safe to say I’ve plateaued in effects. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">4:30 PM (T 6:30) It’s safe to say I’ve plateaued in effects.</div></div> Things have been about the same since my last notes. <br> <br> 5:43 PM (T 7:43) The day’s tasks are completed without the typical post-lunch lull in productivity. I find myself working past the optional quitting time out of the desire to make tomorrow less strenuous. This is atypical of me. I still feel a solid energy boost, namely in my head and hands. The nature of this energy is curious… it feels visceral but does not seem to be originating from the places I’m feeling it. The point of origin is my mind, not my body. I feel a nonspecific inspiration, and it is then manifested as a sort of mild electric buzzing in my cranium and fingers (direction of energy from the mind to the body). In contrast, stimulants feel to me like my body parts themselves are requesting tasks from my mind so they can occupy themselves with actions, such as dancing (direction of energy from the body to the mind). <br> <br> 6:45 PM (T 8:45) I begin a workout consisting of weight training with brief cardio warmup/cooldown. <br> <br> 7:50 PM (T 9:50) Today’s workout is completed with an ordinary level of endurance and strength. By this time, noticeable energetic effects of the substance have dwindled and I feel closer to baseline. <br> <br> 8:45 PM (T 10:45) Conversation with a new friend is fruitful and engaging. I have a calm and mindful demeanor during this interaction, and favor listening and brevity over my more discursive tendencies. I would call this change the chief symptom of the minidose’s afterglow effects. <br> <br> 11:55 PM (T 13:55) Time has passed quickly, as it tends to in good company. My partner Lace has returned home, and we retire. Sleep comes easily, and is sound. <br> <br> Reflections: I awoke the next morning feeling well-rested, back to baseline sobriety, and ready to take on the day. I did not detect any aftereffects (positive or negative) of my experience from the day before. The weekend after this experience (4 days later), I indulged in a larger dose of LSD with recreational intentions and did not recognize any semblance of tolerance. <br> <br> It’s worth noting that in the process of ‘dialing in’ my sliver size there were days when The Flow was less prevalent and days when I inadvertently pushed the envelope past minidose and into mild psychedelia. Comes with the territory, I suppose. <br> <br> Overall, I have found this application of LSD to yield consistently positive results. The increased agency of my critical thinking (empowered, I think, by its slight separation from/recognition of my more visceral urges) proved to be helpful in many areas such as my perceptions of mood, energy, creativity, motivation, and overall mindfulness.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112505</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 24</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 26, 2018</td><td>Views: 15,943</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112505&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112505&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Glowing Experiences (4), Performance Enhancement (50), General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> At the time of my trip, I had recently partaken in a ceremonial gathering wherein I vaporized ~20mg of 5MeO-DMT. It was unlike anything that I had ever experienced before. The event was so profound that I no longer consider myself an atheist; and this is coming from a guy who went into the experience a staunch, almost militant, atheist. The experience has permanently altered the course of my life. It was nothing short of a mystical experience… but that’s for another trip report. This trip report is about my first experience with LSD. I mention the 5MeO-DMT only because I believe that the experience somehow blazed a trail through my inner landscape, into the deepest regions of my mind. Ever since that experience, these deep regions are much more accessible through meditation, and psychedelics. It’s like I’ve unlocked a shortcut to a place I never would have believed existed. The temple built not with the hands. I found that same temple with the help of LSD, only this time when I entered the temple, the place had gone all… weird <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">this time when I entered the temple, the place had gone all… weird</div></div>. <br> <br> The setting is a house in a suburb about 30 minutes north of Seattle. It was the birthday of a newish friend and coworker. The plan was to wait for her parents to leave, then take Acid and watch The Room. If you haven’t seen The Room yet—it’s practically an acid trip in its own right. It is the brainchild of Tommy Wiseau, who might just be the most peculiar man on Earth. The movie feels like it was written by an actual alien who though he was making a normal Earth movie. I was pretty excited. <br> <br> Not long after taking the acid [Reported Dose: "200 micrograms"], we all settled into the movie experience. It was an absolutely blast. The onset of the LSD was very long and gentle. Halfway through the movie I noticed only that I was laughing a lot (not necessarily unusual when watching this movie), and that my phone had a great tracer effect when I moved it in front of my face. Everything looked softer and more vibrant, especially the colored speech bubbles that I typed into existence on my iPhone. <br> <br> About 2 hours in, I start noticing that the world had gone somewhat more bizarre, and there was a buzz of energy in me; the character of which was rather difficult to pin down. I’d become uncertain about my depth perception, and I wondered if I still commanded enough control over my body to walk around. So I excused myself from the movie and made my way into the bathroom. To my delight, my body seemed to manage walking just fine. Standing over the toilet to pee was easily managed as well, but as I stood there preparing to pee, I became aware of a slight “wobble” to the world as if perspectives were constantly switching and swimming. The party, the noise coming through the door, people laughing and heckling the movie; it all felt like it was happening in side of me. Not inside of my head, but actually inside of me somehow. I was inside of me. Reality was too immediate, too ‘present’ for this to be a dream, but it had a distinct dreamlike quality to it. Anyway, it made me a little weary about using the restroom while I was inside my body, but I fired away, and nothing went wrong. I zipped up an congratulated myself in the mirror. After a moment I went back out and joined the party. <br> <br> I felt that I was managing the situation pretty well, so after the movie ended, I made my way to the kitchen and mingled with some co-workers. A few executives from my work showed up somewhat unexpectedly, and I did my best to confine the strange, buzzing energy I was emitting to a level that I could control autonomously from the back of my mind. For the most part I think I was managing pretty well; but before too long I grew weary of wearing the sober mask. I excused myself from the conversation and joined another group in a quieter, more private room, where I could sit and observe the strange effects of the LSD. <br> <br> This phase of the trip lasted for what seemed like a very long time. There is a chance I was experiencing time dilation, but it seemed like it plateaued at this stage for ~2 hours. Long enough that I began to expect that I had peaked. I started to slide into a state of wonder at how preposterous it was that these chemicals existed, and at the fortune of having found such amazing friends to share the experience with. Looking back on it, I think this might stand out as the most social I’d ever felt at a party to date. Despite the fact that I barely knew any of these people, something gave me the strongest desire to just chat with them, and to engage with them— and look them in the eye. <br> <br> You have to understand, I’m terrible at small talk. Most people are afraid of public speaking—my fear is talking to strangers 1 on 1. Hell, even pretty good acquaintances give me social anxiety sometimes. It’s not a cold-sweat-provoking anxiety, it’s more of a ears-back, tail-between-the-legs, kind of anxiety. It’s a bit embarrassing, so I have a natural tendency to block it out. Usually my modus operandi at parties is to look busy or try to find a distraction that will give me a plausible excuse to have my attention diverted. Fiddling with the label of a beer bottle, or something like that. <br> <br> But in this moment I was noticing a reaction from people that I’d never picked up on before— When I approached them, they lit up, they looked me in my eyes and they smiled. If felt really good. I felt welcome. <br> <br> ººº <br> <br> My trip officially started on the arm of that couch several hours after ingesting the tab. I sat there smiling, nursing a bottle of beer and smoking a joint when I began to survey the room. It seemed to me that there were people in this room that were “with me”. Sure I was aware that I was sitting on the arm of my friend’s couch, but I was also “somewhere else”. Somewhere much older—somewhere I had only just recently discovered. It felt so familiar that I began to feel uncomfortable. It was like a deja vu that didn’t seem to be going away. As I interacted with them, I began to get an eery feeling that they were ‘insiders’ of a strange and powerful world. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">As I interacted with them, I began to get an eery feeling that they were ‘insiders’ of a strange and powerful world.</div></div> A moment of frightening astonishment came over me as this phenomenon intensified. Every movement in the body language of those around me was in some strange way influenced by my thoughts—and not just the people I was engaging with either! Everyone the the whole room, every circle of conversation was a strange play being performed for me. I was not controlling them, it was more like they were attempting to wrangle or hypnotize me. If I moved to interact with one group of people, the conversations of the entire crowd seemed to shift and adjust. <br> <br> At first the adjustments were so striking that I thought it must be some kind of practical joke; a game of “Let’s make Ben think he’s crazy”, but no matter how many times I tested the phenomenon, it didn’t go away. The fear that it was some practical joke was dwarfed by the fear that it was actually real— that I was in some sort of strange simulation world— A Truman-show-style drama designed to tempt me toward some unknown attractor. As I stopped engaging with the room, it would react by trying to grab my attention. People would get louder, a balloon in the next room popped. If I tried to tune it all out long enough, the tone of everyone’s conversation would turn impatient and scalding. I tried to guess what I was supposed to do, but the more I tried to reason it out, the more frustrated and annoyed the crowd seemed to become. Soon it didn’t even seem like they cared if I knew it was an act. The absurd play morphed into something that closer resembling a sophmorish meta-Kabuki, as each one of them overact the part of a frustrated extra at a party. If you’ve seen The Room, you may remember the scene at a birthday party, where all the party-extras all decide to go outside, or come back inside for no purpose at all, other than because the script requires that two characters be alone— That’s exactly what this felt like— bad acting and all! <br> <br> I decided to go with it. Obviously whatever power was involved had intelligence far beyond anything I could understand. If it was leading me to some sort of hell, I clearly didn’t possess the power to stop it. I took a deep breath in and looked around the room, letting it be exactly what it was— letting my ears and eyes soak up as much of this insane world as I could. Suddenly things seemed to glow and resonate with an incredibly spiritual energy, and the strange feeling of being guided grew to an unbearable crescendo. I closed my eyes and the unmistakable feeling of falling rushed over me, as I feel deep within my self. I saw the dull read light that was leaking through my eyelids disappear in the distance as I fell farther and farther down. After a moment, I was somewhere far away from my body. I opened my eyes again, but the world was still buzzing intensely. These people, the ones who were “with me”— They all seemed to be working in perfect unison towards a common goal, which inexplicably revolved around my achieving some kind of hypnogogic breakthrough. The thought came to me, ºMaybe they are me!º— Only they seemed to be leading me toward something that I didn’t know about. But somehow that was it! ºThey need me to do something! But what?º <br> <br> As if it were the set of an improvisational drama class, the people around me never broke character, despite being clearly aware of the act. And it didn’t seem like they cared one way or another if I knew they were acting. This fact in particular gave the whole experience an incredibly creepy vibe. A room full of memes and tropes— The same tropes that have repeated themselves over and over through time. But why? What are we supposed to see? <br> <br> ºMaybe I need to let go of this bizarre projection-of-a-world around me and turn my attention inwardº, I though— clearly they were are all me trying to tell myself something, and I was ready to listen. If the answer was inside of all of them, then surely it was within me as well. I closed my eyes once more and took a deep breath in. Again I left my body. I heard the bottle I’d been holding fall to the ground. ºAn illusion programmed to contain youº, I thought. ºThe sound of the bottle crashing against the hardwood floor was just some pitiful attempt to snap me back into the mirror world.º I chuckled at how cliche an attempt it was. A huge smile spread across my face as I sank through a giant transcendental blob of flowing energy. I had laid on this blob before— during my 5MeO-DMT trip, the blob had been a boundary surrounding the “Temple”, or what I now call the Godhead. It had taken all of my courage to fall through the blob on my first encounter with it; this time, I just sailed right through. VIP style. <br> <br> It’s the most peaceful thing I’ve ever experienced. Pure oneness. A union with the divine. Samadhi. <br> <br> ºBut wait… what is that sound? Why is that sound here?… It’s a voice!º <br> <br> “Ben”… “Ben can you open your eyes”? <br> <br> The sound was a million years away, and so small. It didn’t belong to this world. Far above me, I sensed the body of a man laying alone in the darkness—ºMaybe I can use his eyesº, I though. <br> <br> What I saw through the man’s eyes was extremely frightening. I saw a circle of concerned faces looking down upon a vanishing soul; and all of this happening at the end of a long dark tunnel. ºSomeone was dyingº, I realized. ºWas it me? Who was I?º A moment ago I’d thought that I was a guy at a party, but that reality had spun apart under the pressure of direct inspection. A peek behind the curtain had been enough to end the whole charade. ºBut how convincing a charade it had been!— and how elaborate!º. And now I was a soul departing its body; already forgetting it’s way back to the physical world. Maybe all those ghost tropes had been messages so that when I got to this place, I’d have to courage to move on. I accepted my fate and once more I let go completely. As I felt my energy approach the blob, I expected to pass through and emerge in some kind of afterlife—instead, I felt as if I was rapidly transposing and inverting through myself. Like a sock being turned inside out over and over. I couldn’t die. I couldn’t reach the Spiritual dimensions that I’d reached only moments before. I was stuck. <br> <br> This was quite possibly the most frightening place I’d ever been. Surely this was the crossroads between life and death, but I was stuck floating in some sort of dark purgatory. It wasn’t dark exactly, it was—nothing. It was a darkness where not even thoughts of form could exist. An endless expanse which was paradoxically closing in around me; erasing the possibility of shape, or light. <br> <br> Just then, the voices came back. I heard someone say, “do you want me to call an ambulance?” <br> <br> ºMaybe I’d gotten the game all wrong… maybe the angels were encouraging me back to this strange body. Maybe it wasn’t my time to die after all!º <br> <br> I rushed to peel the nothing back and re-enter the universe of forms. First I forced my mouth and lungs back through, but it was much harder to get the rest of my body through. ºThe blob!º, I thought. I was pushing myself back through the blob! <br> <br> Next I thrust my arms back into existence, starting at the hands. I reached out and I felt fingers clasp around my arms. I didn’t know who’s hands they were, but the touch carried me the rest of the way through the membrane. I opened my eyes expecting to see the answer to this great mystery—but I was back in the bizarre-o-world of the party simulation. ºWhy hadn’t I arrived somewhere real. Who were these angels, and what were they trying to show me?º <br> <br> I asked them “What’s going on?”, to which one of them responded “Come upstairs and lay down”. I followed unquestioning; somewhat excited to see where they were taking me, but It was just a bedroom—nothing special at all. ºPerhaps they led me here so that I could journey more comfortably through the blob.º I reasoned. As soon as I laid down on the bed, I began to sink away again. <br> <br> “Here Ben, Drink this.” one of the angels said, handing me an enormous glass of water. I felt certain that if I attempted to drink the water, I would drown. ºMaybe that’s the key… maybe I’m drowning somewhere, and I need to drown here too so that my soul can move on. But I don’t want to drown!º <br> <br> “Do I have to?” I asked, realizing I wasn’t sure. <br> <br> “Yes, water is very good for you when you’ve done drugs.” responded the angel. <br> <br> I knew I had done drugs, but that fact seemed wildly irrelevant in this context. I had just seen God; I had just died over and over and been repeatedly spit back into purgatory; I had just raised from the dead and was now apparently permanently trapped in a swimming nightmare world made all the more horrifying by the self-evident fact that it extended no further than my direct experience; And yet here was someone talking about drugs! <br> <br> Water ran down my chin as I drank and drank and drank. ºI didn’t drown!º I though. The angel turned to leave, so I laid back down on the bed and prepared to disappear back into the spirit world. <br> <br> “Ben!” the angel yelled. <br> <br> “Yes?” I asked. “What’s wrong?” <br> <br> “I need to go back downstairs, but I’m afraid to leave you alone because you keep passing out.” <br> <br> “I’m not passing out—I’m going back to the Godhead” I announced… ºWait…º It was at this moment that I realized that the bizarre-o-world must be real! The party illusion hadn’t been an illusion after all. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It was at this moment that I realized that the bizarre-o-world must be real! The party illusion hadn’t been an illusion after all.</div></div> I realized it was true, but I couldn’t understand it at all. ºHow were the angels able to go with me into the godhead if they weren’t angels after all?º <br> <br> “But… you were ‘with me’.” I said. <br> <br> “With you where?” <br> <br> “In the Godhead.” I said, expecting that it should have been self-evident to her. <br> <br> “No, I wasn’t. I’ve been at a party this whole time.” She said with a kind smile on her face. <br> <br> “Will you try to come with me?” I asked. <br> <br> “Of course— how do I get there?” she asked. I think at this point she was feeling incredibly relieved to know that I had control over my vanishing acts, and that I wasn’t passing out uncontrollably. I had already told her all about my 5MeO-DMT trip, and she’d seemed very interested in what I was calling the Godhead. She probably didn’t expect anything to happen, but partially to humor me, and partially out of a genuine curiosity she laid down next to me and listened. <br> <br> “Breathe like I breathe” I said, “And, just let go—just follow me.” <br> <br> We laid together for a few moments as I journeyed through the spirit world in search of the blob—the parameter of the Godhead. I couldn’t quite find it, despite being thoroughly out-of-body and totally immersed in some kind of multi-verse. I felt a presence, so I asked out loud “Are you here?” <br> <br> The response was only a loving laugh. It wasn’t my friend’s laugh— not the friend laying next to me. It was a laugh I knew quite well; the laugh belonged to a wonderful woman who was not at the party. A woman I was beginning to like quite well. <br> <br> Before too long I was sucked back out of the spirit world, and back into reality. My friend was there next to me. She seemed genuinely disappointed to report that she hadn’t made it. <br> <br> For some time we laid and talked. We had one of the most intimate and natural conversations I’ve ever had with anyone. A truly strange and wonderful connection; but one we would eventually find just didn’t survive between us in our sober minds. <br> <br> After some time, we rejoined the party. The rest of the night played out like a movie. I felt absolutely incredible. Normally I’m haunted by social anxiety, but for the remainder of that night (which lived on well past sunrise), I felt absolutely free—and I mean *absolutely* free. There wasn’t a shadow of self-doubt in my mind. I haven’t felt that comfortable about being myself around anyone— ever. Not with my mom and dad when I was a child, not with my family, not with my oldest friends or any of my previous girlfriends. It wasn’t a drunken kind of freedom either, I was totally aware of an inner transformation. Some things will only last as long as you don’t acknowledge them too overtly, but this I could, and did, observe directly— that I just felt… comfortable. <br> <br> <!-- erodrops01 --><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2015</td><td width="90">ExpID: 108127</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 33</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Sep 26, 2019</td><td>Views: 9,296</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=108127&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=108127&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Large Group (10+) (19), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">126 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I got my tabs from a really good guy. They were pure and white; 100ug each. I had been wanting to try psychedelics for a few weeks before this trip, and my dad was okay with me doing them as long as I was a safe environment the first time. The event happened late in the afternoon on a Saturday and early in the morning on a Sunday (October 18th-19th, 2014). <br> <br> I took the first tab at 6PM at my parents house, then the waiting game followed. My dad and I talked about his past experiences with psychedelics in the meantime for some extra mental preparation. About an hour went by and the chemicals weren’t having an effect on me. Then at around 7PM my body started feeling warmer, with a slight euphoric sensation hitting me. I just felt happy to be around my family and thought everything was great. The only problem was that the acid wasn’t hitting me. I was under the impression that after an hour I would start seeing the walls melt, and my dad was thinking the same thing. <br> <br> So, foolishly, my dad told me to take the second tab because he thought the acid wasn't strong enough <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">foolishly, my dad told me to take the second tab because he thought the acid wasn't strong enough</div></div>, which was one of a few mistakes that happened during the course of my trip. Immediately after I took it, I started seeing the ceiling in the dining room move around. The texture on it resembled sand, and the way it was moving looked like sand shifting on the beach. It was cool, so I started wandering around the house looking for more things to observe. Strangely enough, the oriental pattern-filled rugs around our house were doing nothing for me, and I never ended up paying attention to them in the long run. <br> <br> At 8PM the visual effects really started kick in. I could see the patterns on the walls and ceilings around my house slowly moving and I loved it. The plants were also slightly breathing up and down. I also went outside to the backyard where my dad was building a bonfire. We live right next to a park, and since it was getting dark the lamp posts were illuminating the branches and leaves on the trees. Many people report seeing the trees “breathing” on while tripping, but I just saw them constantly melting, which was interesting enough for me. All these things I was seeing were what I was hoping for when experiencing LSD and, honestly, that’s all I really wanted out of it. Of course, I found out the hard way that visuals are not entirely the point of psychedelics, but I’ll get to that later. <br> <br> I went back inside the house, and things started turning really difficult. One thing I should point out here was that even though I was eager to try acid and research as much about it as I could, I still had a few misconceptions. As profound and eye-opening the experiences you think about as a result of the drug are, these experiences may simply be manifestations of these misconceptions of what the drug is about, and they can sneak up on you and make your trip take a turn for the worst. <br> <br> It began when I looked at my cat and picked her up. Sitting down on the couch with her gave me my first “enlightened” experience. As I was petting my cat I basically thought: “my cat is meat. I eat meat. I wouldn't eat my cat.” I’ve had these thoughts plenty of times before but this time I got a pit on my stomach while thinking about it. “Why should I eat other animals if I wouldn't at my cat?” It didn’t make much sense either because my parents have tripped literally thousands of times while touring with the Grateful Dead and they still eat meat. I didn’t like these thoughts at all because I didn’t want to give up eating meat either. I had a Burger King a few days after this trip though so I guess it wasn't a problem for me, haha. But yeah, not saying being vegetarian/vegan is wrong at all, it’s just a diet I choose not to partake in. These thoughts basically went away within a few minutes too, but the negativity that came with them stayed with me. <br> <br> I went back outside to my dad and I could see the quantum strings that make up the fabric of the universe in the air. Then I looked up at the clear night sky and I could see small red dots orbiting around the stars, which I perceived to be planets. This was my favorite visual effect of the drug and I actually asked my dad if those planets physically existed, and he said “it’s your third eye seeing celestial bodies orbiting around the stars” which may or may not be true, but I digress. <br> <br> At this point all the visual aspects of the LSD became completely meaningless to me and I started diving into the really metaphysical shit. The concept of free will and predestination came into my train of thought. In my head, I saw a web. This web was the web of existence; the web of all living things on Earth, and in this web were an infinite number of paths that I could take in my life. The way I was seeing it was the path I was currently taking was brightly lit up, highlighted you could say, while every other path was dim and sort of faded out. Each and every path was heading toward something. I guess this would be God, but my father calls this “The One.” I call it “The Great Attractor” because it wasn’t a single entity. It was just… a force. A force that I wanted to be a part of. I thought back to the many times sceptics have said that psychedelic effects are all in your head, and how mathematics were the only true way of mapping out the universe, but what I was experiencing was indescribable even by the most complex of mathematics. I asked my mom and dad how long they knew about the Great Attractor, and honestly I forgot what they said because I was too engrossed in my own thoughts. The funny thing is that my dad reminded me of a shaman while he was standing in front of the bonfire he made, which made me have another epiphany: “that’s why shamans exist, the want to be a part of the Great Attractor while still alive on Earth.” In a nutshell, I concluded that the whole point of living was to discover the Great Attractor, and that once you knew the Great Attractor’s existence, you die. <br> <br> I started to get scared here; extreme panic and anxiety started engulfing my body, and this was near the peak of the trip at around midnight. In my mind I was saying “yeah, I discovered the meaning of life, but that doesn’t mean that I want to DIE right then and there so close before my 19th birthday. I wanted to experience the world we live in before I pass on to the next plane of existence.” A trillion and one more thoughts started entering my head: “Oh God. OH GOD! I’M BECOMING TOO ENLIGHTENED! THE GREAT ATTRACTOR WANTS ME TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE SO I CAN BE A PART OF IT! I CAN SEE MY PATH IN THE WEB OF EXISTENCE BECOME MORE AND MORE ALONE BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EXPERIENCED THIS LEVEL OF ENLIGHTENMENT BEFORE! NOT EVEN IN THE 60s! PLEASE STOP PLEASE STOP PLEASE STOP!” Keep in mind that these were all internal thoughts. Externally, I was trying to keep as calm as I possibly could so that I wouldn’t freak out my parents, even though there was a battle in my mind between calling 911 or not. I was CONVINCED that I was going to die. Thinking now, this was probably the ego death everyone refers to. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was CONVINCED that I was going to die. Thinking now, this was probably the ego death everyone refers to.</div></div> <br> <br> Nothing was calming these feelings down. I took a walk around the park, I listened to music, I tried eating and drinking, my mom gave me a massage, nothing worked. According to my thoughts, every thing I found pleasurable on Earth became meaningless, and they were merely distractions from dying and becoming a part of the Great Attractor. My thoughts made me think that my parents (mostly my mom) were lesser beings for not achieving as high a level of consciousness as I was. To tell you the truth, they weren’t being very good babysitters in the first place, focusing more attention on the Notre Dame game than their son who is tripping his balls off, lol. Anyway, this negative thought loop just kept going on and on, and time seemed to be slowing down rapidly. It felt like I would never get out of this trip. <br> <br> Thankfully, this was the point where I started entering my coming down stage, which probably around 2AM. I told my dad that I wanted to walk along my town’s main street (I live in a big 10 college town and attend said college, too) because I was still having a plethora of paranoid thoughts like “oh shit maybe this type of trip is something only people my age have experienced so if I engage with other college kids they would understand what I’m feeling,” so we did. It was a Saturday night/Sunday morning, so the street was in fact packed with college kids. Along with my panicked thoughts of some imminent force killing me (seeing a near collision while crossing the street didn’t help that at all), I began experiencing auditory hallucinations for the first time. As I was walking, I could hear and decipher EVERYONE’S conversations. I can’t remember anything specific, but I could literally hear what everyone in a bar across the street from me was saying. It was interesting, and one of the few other silver linings that happened on my otherwise terrifying trip. We bought some treats at a convenience store and went back home. <br> <br> Not much else happened that night. I remember my dad driving me back to my dorm and then to the lake and talking to him about how scary my trip was, but at that point my anxiety really started coming down. It wasn’t until 4:30 or 5AM when I went back home and slept in my parents’ bed. I actually did fall asleep too, but only for 5 hours. When I woke up I grabbed my belongings and went back to my dorm room. <br> <br> Well, there you go. The trip was a mindfuck and life changing experience, but I really don’t know if I want it to be life changing. Maybe they can be therapeutic for some people, but all it made me do was question the nature of time and reality way too much. I also had panic attacks from smoking weed because it takes me back into that fear-driven tripping mindset. I have experimented with stuff like mushrooms and MDA as well, with most of those experiences being pretty good, but I just think I’m done with psychedelics forever. <br> <br> <!-- erodrops01 --><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 106386</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 17, 2019</td><td>Views: 11,557</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=106386&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=106386&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Families (41), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">350 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 13:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 13:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">200 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 13:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">75 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">120 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This report documents two back-to-back experiences I had smoking DMT while also under the influence of LSD and MDMA. The first experience was one of my most beautiful, and the second experience was definitely the most terrifying trip I have ever had. I went to both extremes, experiencing the light side and the dark side of DMT in a matter of hours. <br> <br> Background: I am a 24 year old male weighing 120 pounds, in good mental and physical health. I take no medications although I do use marijuana and yerba mate on a daily basis. I have extensive experience with psychedelic drugs, and consider myself very familiar with tryptamines (mushrooms, LSD, DMT and 5-MeO-DMT alone or in combination with harmala alkaloids), phenethylamines (MDMA, Trichocereus cacti, 2C-I, 2C-E and 2C-B) and have some experience with dissociatives (Salvia, ketamine and DXM). <br> <br> Set and Setting: I was feeling uncomfortable in my crowded and chaotic home, and had a burning desire to get out of the house for a night. I had been worrying a lot about my financial security and the safety of my home, and just wanted to escape for a while. Conveniently, I was minding a beautiful home which I would have all to myself. Peace and quiet! Plus, the MDMA monkey was on my back again, urging me to scratch that itch. I have used MDMA a lot in the past, and have trouble controlling my usage. I tend to do too much, too often and have often used MDMA in a recreational and abusive manner. MDMA is my “problem drug” you could say. <br> <br> I had picked up a gram of MDMA recently, doing so sneakily so that my partner wouldn’t know. Not that she judges me, but I feel my use is not really healthy and not something I’m proud of, so often I am scared to tell her. Sneaking around the bush never helps though, in fact I always end up breaking down and telling her after the fact how much I had taken. It is simpler and less emotional for me to just tell the truth from the beginning. <br> <br> The Experience: So out I went, a pleasant warm spring night’s walk on my way, winding through parks and along the edges of a golf course. I stopped to climb into a golden willow’s branches and smoke a bowl. I had only intended on taking one or maybe two of the MDMA capsules (each containing 100 mg) tonight. Instead, by the time I got to my destination I had already taken three, and then proceeded to bump a little more when I got there. In total I ingested roughly 350 milligrams. <br> <br> I quickly became aware that I had taken too much. It was pretty shitty MDMA, I think there was some speed in there for sure because I felt a lot of jittery nervous sensations rather than the mellow relaxation of good, clean stuff. And the nystagmus! Man, my eyes were twitching like butterflies, I could barely see straight and my jaw was clenching pretty badly. What about my short term memory? I used to have one of those, now where did I put the damn thing? <br> <br> So, what do you do to fill the hours from 1:30 AM to 8:30 AM while high on speedy MDMA? Creating a giant mandala of plants, rocks and other random household goodies, of course! It started off pretty simply, but by the time morning rolled around… well, you couldn’t call it structured, simple, or even harmonious. Crammed, overcrowded and chaotic would all apply. I kept obsessively going out into the garden to pick handfuls of leaves, vines, fern fronds and spring flowers to decorate my mandala. I had nearly all the plants in the house piling up around the edges too! <br> <br> So in the morning, feeling rough around the edges and having trouble regulating my electrolyte balance (drinking lots of liquids, but not having my thirst quenched) I called my partner, asking her to come over and meditate with me around my mandala. Haha. I was way too ADD to focus for more than a second, and instead of meditating just kept fiddling with bits of leaves and flowers, making small, obsessive changes to my decorations. My partner looked pretty sad, especially when I said I was going to stay here today and do some “introspective, looking within myself” (also known as, getting real fuckin’ high on drugs!). She went home still sad. Secretly, she knew I was high on MDMA. And secretly, I knew that she knew I was high on MDMA. But neither of us had said anything about it yet. <br> <br> It was about 1 PM now, 13 hours after taking the MDMA. I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours and hadn’t eaten for about 17 hours. So you might say I was permeable to the spirit realms, having drawn a little closer to death myself over the last day. I feel MDMA particularly makes it easier for me to see shadow people, spirits and other spooky stuff. It takes me nearer to death and thus I can see behind the veil more clearly. <br> <br> I was pretty sure I was setting myself up for an introspective nightmare. Nevertheless, I went ahead with my plan, dropping four hits of good acid and a capsule of about 200 mg of MDMA for good measure (or because the monkey was on my back again, already! Stuff’s got a sinister compelling edge to it!). <br> <br> And so, stage three of my plan of epic and debaucherous mind-dissolution: rolling a DMT doobie. I had a half gram of high purity Mimosa hostilis root bark extract, and decided to go heavy. Super heavy, actually, I used about half the vial (roughly 250 milligrams!). I had just a pinch of marijuana shake left, so I had to bulk out my plant material with some finely shredded labrador tea, bearberry leaf and a little bit of yarrow. These three herbs were still somewhat fresh, retaining a little moisture, which is a good thing for DMT doobies. Slow burning, warm enough to vaporize the DMT but not so hot as to scorch it. I added the finishing touch, a generous sprinkling of Coca tea, figuring it would numb the throat in a pleasant way. <br> <br> Half an hour later, the MDMA and LSD I had taken were coming on, so I ventured out into the backyard for my special doobie. It was a beautiful sunny day, blue sky and green grass. I lay down with a shirt over my head to shade me from the sun, and sparked the joint. I smoked a couple hits, finding the taste extremely mild and mostly unnoticeable after the first toke. Very smooth, thanks to Mama Coca. It wasn’t really hitting me hard the way a marijuana plus DMT joint usually does, but I shugged it off and puffed some more. Just keep smoking… <br> <br> The transition to DMT space was startling in its rapidity. One moment I was puffing, and perhaps the trees had begun to fractalize just a little. The next moment, BAM!!! Fully in. I vaguely remember sitting up and pushing the towel off my head as I went into the trance. <br> <br> The trees were doing the most amazing dance ever! Thick, grey bark wrinkled up and down their trunks, the branches defining the planes of a complex three-dimensional space around the tree. There was this incredible sound, humming and hawing going up and down, warbling through different tones. A whirling, clanking mechanical sound like an amusement park ride, and these electric zing-ziiing noises. The trees were bouncing, dancing up and down as the sounds grew in intensity and pitch. <br> <br> When the vibrations reached a critical threshold, the trees would do a quarter-turn clockwise twist. Turning a corner, with a flash of green leaves, and then EXPLODING out the top with a hundred squiggly, purple-red octopus tentacles, as well as amazingly intricate diamond-block patterns in pale blues and black. It was the happy dancing tree carnival! <br> <br> I had this neat omni-vision thing going on, being able to see in every direction simultaneously. I would see the dances trees, oh yes, and the fractalizing sky, and even the grass I was lying on. The grass looked so crazy, it got all tall and spiky, looking like astroturf from a far distant planet. Everything in my vision was hyper-saturated in colour, a palette of blues, greens and the grey of the tree trunks. <br> <br> The feeling went on for a long time, in repeating waves. Slowly, the waves became a little gentler, a little farther spaced apart. I began to piece my mind back together, realizing that this green stuff was grass, and that I was still lying in the yard. As I dropped totally out of the trance, I flipped myself over in a jarring way, which was an abrupt end to the trip. But WOW! What a trip! Possibly the most beautiful and amazing DMT experience I have ever had. The setting was what made it really magical. With the acid and MDMA on board, I stayed in the trance state longer than usually, probably 10 minutes or so. In other experiences I have noticed that LSD extends the duration of the DMT, and MDMA reduces my threshold to breakthrough. <br> <br> What I had just experienced was so magical, that I contemplated diving again, having enough material for one more doobie identical to the one I had just smoked. I thought of a better idea, however. I rang home again to my partner, after struggling for several minutes trying to remember our home number. Ahem… yes, there’s that short term memory loss at its finest. Thanks MDMA, it will probably be a few more days before I can remember my own phone number again. When I finally got the number right, I convinced my partner to drop what she was doing and come back, right away. No, don’t walk, take the car! <br> <br> I was super excited to share this experience with her. I figured having the exact same ratios of DMT and plant material as in my doobie, plus the exact same sunny backyard setting, and she should have a similarly amazing experience. She has smoked DMT before, but never gone all the way through, often feeling fearful as the intensity ramps up. I wanted to give her the experience I had just had, so that she would gain a comfort level with the breakthrough dose. I knew it would make her happy. <br> <br> It was more difficult to roll this doobie, since by now I was really high. I couldn’t actually see straight to put in the filter, so I got her to do that when she arrived. I rushed her into the yard almost as soon as she had walked in the door. Getting her to lay down the same way I had, with a view of the trees and sky,and I lit her joint. She puffed, once, twice, a couple more times. Her body started shaking all over, her hand still holding the doobie was trembling. After a few minutes she opened her eyes, saying she had gotten scared as the experience became overwhelming, and so she didn’t want to smoke anymore. She enjoyed the level she went to though which was nice. She had smoked about the same as me, probably stopping just one toke short of the breakthrough point. <br> <br> By now I was over-excited and twitchy feeling. The eye wiggles had started up again, and I was pretty sure this, or my enthusiastic speech patterns would give me away soon enough. I wanted to dive again, so I tried relighting my doobie. Oh yeah, I hadn’t smoked the whole thing! After rolling the doobie for my partner, I said to myself, “wait a minute, I couldn’t possibly have smoked that whole thing!” There was a cardboard filter at the bottom, for one, so I must have flailed it somewhere as I came out of the trip. Sure enough, a quick search and there it was. I had only managed to smoke about a third of it, apparently having fallen into the trance as I was smoking. Factoring in a little loss due to smouldering plant material, and that the DMT runs down the joint away from the heat, I figure I still got around 75 milligrams. A hefty dose. With shaky hands, I tried lighting the joint again, but three times it went out right away. Perhaps I should have taken that as a sign… <br> <br> My partner said she would like to try the DMT again, if I would go first. I guess she wanted to see someone else in the deep trance, for reassurance. Well, reassurance was definitely not on the plate this afternoon. <br> <br> A reminder, that I was under conditions of sleep deprivation, fasting, drug abuse and still coming up on 4 hits of acid plus 200 mg of MDMA going into this experience. Yikes, sometimes I really disgust myself. I lay down in the sun again, with the rest of my doobie. In retrospect, it was a bad idea to be lying down while smoking a DMT doobie. I should have stayed sitting up until going under, you will see why soon… <br> <br> I puffed once, twice, good deep hauls. I could see the trees begin to shimmer and twist just a little, thinking “here we go!” This is where my experience of events and her experience of events diverge rapidly. I will tell my side of the tale first, and then follow it up with what she observed. In my experience, I started taking a third haul on the joint. All of a sudden I sucked a big chunk of hot ash and leaf material into my mouth, I felt it hit the back of my throat. An acrid bitter taste and smell permeated my mouth. At the same time, in my visual field the delicate lace-patterned trees were no more. This contamination, a black spot at the centre of my vision, grew outward rapidly like a mold or rust fungus. Everything it touched turned black, and then crumbled into ash. I felt the tone and feeling of the trip change, from light to dark. <br> <br> “Are you okay?” she asked. <br> <br> “Yes,” I replied. Feeling not too deep in the trance state, despite everything being a fractal blur, I leaned over to spit out the ash from my mouth. My partner’s voice drifted over to me, and my head followed the sound very rapidly indeed. <br> <br> “Papy, I’m dead!” She said. <br> <br> “WHAT???” I cried. <br> <br> Her bottom lip was quivering as she asked, “How can I be dead? I wasn’t dead two seconds ago!” <br> <br> Our eyes met, and we both simultaneously said, “Fuck!” I dropped my eyes in anguish. “Fuck!” Everything in this DMT space was the polar opposite to my last trip. Instead of vibrant blues, greens and greys, the landscape had a lot of neon green with a malevolent washover of magenta. This was supposed to be my trip, my experience, and now instead she was dead! <br> <br> “Papy, look at me!” She demanded. That brought my gaze up fast. I looked into her left eye, seeing the iris open up. I knew that I was taking an exact imprint of her, in that moment. I realized something then. You know what they say about love, when you find The One, you know. I knew in this moment, that she was The One. I had found her. Only through a cruel twist of circumstances, my going into DMT space had prematurely snuffed out her life. Something had gone terribly wrong. We were perfect for each other, but it has her fate to die and mine to live. I knew I would be lonely after she died. She was The One, and now she was dead… <br> <br> Her demanding me to look at her had made me aware of the essence of her womanhood, and it aroused in me an irresistable compulsion. I had to take my pants off, and do her right here! “No!” She said, “You can’t do that here!” <br> <br> All I could think to say was “I DON’T CARE!” I needed her, but she wouldn’t let me take my pants off. “FUCK!” I said again. <br> <br> “Why do you keep saying fuck? It’s okay, Papy!” <br> <br> “How can it be okay that you are dead???” I asked. <br> <br> “That’s the way it is now,” she replied. <br> <br> “Fuck!” Then, after a moment, I said “You’re right. This is the way it is now. I guess I can accept that you are dead.” It was brutal but also okay that she was dead. “This is the way it is now.” <br> <br> Slowly, slowly my mind began to scrabble at a return. I wasn’t yet aware of it, but as she now asked me, “Why do you keep saying fuck? Who are you talking to?” it was the real girl I was hearing, and not a hallucination. <br> <br> “Why do you keep saying that I am dead?” and I could see tears in her eyes. <br> <br> “Well, look at you! You’re dead.” Indeed, as the veils had lifted a grey pallor had come over her face. It was obvious to me that she was dead. The burning need to get naked and do her, right there in the yard, was still strong in me, but again she stopped me from taking off my pants. <br> <br> “Why do you keep touching your penis?” She asked. <br> <br> “Because I need you!” I reply. I was getting closer, the fractal blur seemed to thin just a little… As usual, dropping out of the trance state happens just as abruptly as going into it. A bump, bump, bump and back into my body. I realized that what I was experiencing had been just a trip, and not reality. It was like waking up from a terribly twisted, sadistic dreams. Coming out of my trip, and realizing it didn’t actually happen, gave me the hugest rush of relief and happiness. <br> <br> The first sane words out of my mouth were, “You’re not actually dead!!” and I bearhugged her. <br> <br> She sounded really scared when she said, “Are you okay?” <br> <br> “Yes!” came my emphatic reply. <br> <br> “What happened?” she questioned. <br> <br> “It was just a different experience. The first one was all light, and this one was all dark.” <br> <br> “Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked again. <br> <br> “I am 100% okay, other than having sucked a bearberry leaf into the back of my mouth. I guess I can accept one bearberry leaf in return for having had a different experience.” <br> <br> “What are you talking about?” she asks, sounding lost. <br> <br> “I sucked some ash into my mouth. Probably a bearberry leaf, you have to shred them pretty fine. I can feel it back there,” and I hawked some phlegm. <br> <br> I started tripping out on the fractalizing trees behind her head, but she said “Papy, look at me! Stay with me!” and so I did. <br> <br> She looked at me as if I were crazy, and I told her not to worry, that everything was okay. “You’re The One, love! I am never going to leave you.” <br> <br> Then, she dropped the first bombshell: “Papy,” she said, “you dropped the whole joint in your mouth.” <br> <br> “WHAT???” <br> <br> “… and I didn’t know if you had done it deliberately or not. I was going to take it out, but then you chewed it up a bit and spat some out.” <br> <br> “Seriously? No wonder my throat feels so raw!” <br> <br> ”Why did you keep saying fuck? Who were you talking to?” <br> <br> “I was talking to you, except that you had died. Somehow, when I went into the trip you died. It was just apparent to me that you were dead.” <br> <br> “How much do you remember of your experience?” she asked. <br> <br> “All of it, perfectly.” I said, which is kind of true. I remember my side of it perfectly. <br> <br> “What was all that rolling around on the ground about?” She asked. <br> <br> “Was I rolling around on the ground?” I asked, baffled. After that initial surge of relief, I now experienced an acute wave of paranoia. I was SO GLAD she wasn’t dead, but realized I had probably been shouting my side of the conversation outside, for the whole world to hear. That’s the kind of behaviour that gets you committed to the insane asylum, for sure. “Can we please go inside right now?” I ask, not waiting for a reply and just running inside, all freaked out. Hoping the cops wouldn’t come knocking at my door, which I closed and locked. <br> <br> We sat down and began to piece together our different versions of what happened. I was quite surprised at how different our two accounts were. My partner was super shaken, she had thought that my mind had broken, and that I wasn’t going to come out of this trip. That she would be dead to me hereafter. It took a while of reassurances and me talking sanely to convince her I wasn’t permanently loco. I also came clean about my using MDMA the last couple days, which was nice. I had that sense of clarity, to realize that lying, stealthiness or sneakiness get me nowhere. They are entirely counterproductive. I asked her how loud I had been, had I been shouting? She said it wasn’t that loud. Also, of the stuff I said to her in my trip, only some of it did I actually say out loud. I also apparently said some stuff that I don’t remember at all. <br> <br> This seems a good place to start my partner’s side of the story, how things actually happened: The first two tokes, are the same in both versions of the story. It is on the third toke that they diverge from one another. In my version, I take a third drag, not feeling much yet… In actuality, I was already inside of the experience without knowing it. Extremely fast transition. <br> <br> My partner said it looked like I was going to take a third toke, I brought the doobie close to my mouth… paused a bit… and then dropped the whole fucking thing into my mouth! This is why I said, not smart to smoke a DMT joint while lying down. Apparently I chewed it up and spat out a little, but I ate the filter for sure and probably a good chunk of the joint as well. Gross. No wonder it tasted so bad. <br> <br> Then apparently I crawled around on the ground for awhile, kneeding the earth spastically. She asked me what I was doing, and apparently I replied “Rolling around on the ground and having fun!” I have no recollection of this, and I certainly wasn’t having any fun! <br> <br> “Do you remember me restraining you?” She asked. <br> <br> “WHAT???” I said again. “No!” <br> <br> She said I kept grabbing the ground, and her flesh as well, pulling with a strong force. I got pretty forceful when I was trying to take of my pants and do her. She apparently told me “I don’t want to have sex right now! You don’t even know who I am!” <br> <br> “Yes I do!” I said (again, I have no recollection of this conversation). <br> <br> “Who am I then? What’s my name?” All I could do was stare blankly. She tried again, <br> “Do you know who Star (our very close friend) is?” I continued to stare blankly. Getting forceful again apparently, and she pushed me to the ground. She must have been absolutely terrified, thinking I had just gone mad forever. She said sometimes I would look into her eyes, almost lucid, but then would just zone out again. <br> <br> Integration: I was in the trance state a long time, probably 10-12 minutes. Acid tends to lengthen the effects of DMT, and MDMA definitely reduces the threshold to breakthrough. My partner suggested that my body might have been possessed by spirits while I was in the trance state. Certainly this is possible, having sudden intense finger strength, and saying stuff I don’t remember while experiencing something totally different from the world around me. Having uncontrollable sexual compulsions. Could also just be my mind working on a sub-conscious level, my conscious mind being totally involved in a terrifying experience activating some primative survival pathways in the mind. <br> <br> The way everything turned to black in my vision, when the joint hit the back of my mouth, makes me wonder if a nasty entity snuck its way into the joint between sessions. It’s pretty odd to drop a joint in your mouth, I remember doing it only once before in all my years of pot smoking. The way the blackness in my vision spread was like a mold or a disease contaminant of some kind. I also pondered whether the woman I had been interacting with was my real partner. Possibly another entity could take on her form and appearance, in order to trick me and try to gain control over me. Reminder to self: specifically state, only entities who are friendly, benevolent and helpful are invited! <br> <br> By the time we were finished discussing, my partner was pretty calm. I, however, was trying to come to terms with what I had experienced. I began to worry, fearing that some aspect of my vision might actually be true. That she would die, maybe not soon but a whole lot sooner than me, and that I would have to live my life without her. Afraid that maybe, somehow, I had actually killed her through my actions. Talk about unforseen consequences of drug use! I was freaked out, and then some. <br> <br> It took a long, hot bath, a lot of crying and a cup of jasmine tea before I calmed down a little. Coming out of the craziest, scariest and most harrowing DMT trip I have ever had, peaking on four hits of acid and 200 mg of MDMA seemed pretty tame, in comparison. The emotional shock was just that, shocking. I was overwhelmed by my experience, trying to wrap my mind around it and failing. <br> <br> Time went on, and we went home and ate some nice grounding food (I hadn’t eaten in a long time), I slowly came back to being okay. I decided that it is not within my power, by smoking DMT, to kill another individual. Certainly it is within my power to believe I have killed another person, while under the influence. What can be really frightening about these sorts of trips in DMT space is that it feels absolutely, vividly real while you are there. More real than real, almost. <br> <br> I realized though, that it does not matter whether what I saw is “real” or not. We live our lives the same, regardless. Whether we die today or in sixty years, there is nothing we can do about it and no way to know the outcome before it happens. All we can do is live our lives fully, in each moment of every day. I wondered why I had been shown this vision. If DMT is a teacher medicine, then I should be learning lessons from this experience. I guess too, if she were to die, this gives me a reference point for that experience. DMT teaches us a lot about the death process, leraning to let go smoothly. I don’t believe that what I saw is real, however. Not everything you see and hear in DMT space is real or reliable. A lot is trickery, illusion, or something shown so that you can grow from it. I question everything that I see in DMT space. I feel I was shown my biggest fear through this experience, the fear of being alone. <br> <br> In retrospect, I don’t regret this experience. It was hard for a while, seeing what I had and knowing there is no way to go back in time to before you went through the experience. If I wasn’t ready for the experience, then it wouldn’t have come to me. That said, I do not ever want to go back to that particular place. Some trips you have once, so you know that type of trip is possible… and then you don’t need to have it again. I couldn’t sleep that night, still feeling freaked out, and I wrote the bulk of this report to let it out of my mind and gain some peace. Pushing 45 hours awake, and the sleep deprivation hallucinations were kicking in. <br> <br> Addendum: It has been two months since this experience. It has been a challenging experience to integrate, I would say I am about three quarters of the way through the integration process. The experience was so real that just thinking about it is enough to get my heart pounding. I was left with a lot of fear, a lot of lingering dread that what I experienced was real. I am learning an important lesson, how to live my life in love and not in fear. I have to choose, day by day, to let go of the fear. I have to choose to live in love and be happy. <br> <br> I have had one “flashback” to this experience. I had been at an intentional dance that day, a guided dance where we would bring up and express different emotions such as fear, ecstasy, anger and so on. This guided dance had brought my fears to the surface. Later that night, we ate some mushrooms with a capsule of harmala alkaloids. When these substances came on, I experienced a moment of pure fear. I worried again that what I had seen might somehow be true. My body actually went into shock, and I got really chilled and shaky. Though challenging, this was a good process to go through. I feel that by bringing up the fear I was able to start letting go of it, realizing how irrational fear is. I was able to face my fear, and allow it to pass over and through me. <br> <br> I have not felt called to work with DMT since the trip, I don’t feel I can have a new experience until I finish integrating this one. I did roll a small joint with just a little bit of DMT the other day, with the intention of understanding my relation to the substance, and to let go of my fears. I choose a calming natural setting, and took a couple puffs. Just enough to be aware of the energy flow, nowhere near a breakthrough dose. I could see the trees around me dancing again, but was lucid enough to know the reality behind the dancing trees. The trees themselves are real, but my perception of them is very malleable. This is what DMT does, it plays with my perceptions. What I experience in DMT space is a construct of my own mind. It does not have its own reality, all DMT can do is show me things. It shows me aspects of my mind, but does not create reality. That is comforting. <br> <br> One thing I keep coming back to is respect. Respect for the medicine is crucial. Set, setting and intent are crucial. I was in a pretty dark place when I had that scary trip, pushing myself too hard and abusing MDMA again. Had my preparation and intent been more solid, perhaps I wouldn’t have needed such a harrowing trip. DMT is an extremely powerful substance, and I had been using it recklessly and in combination with other drugs. I respect its power a lot more now. <br> <br> This was a very powerful learning experience for me. I feel one aspect of the experience does ring true: my partner is The One. This experience showed me clearly our connection, and what I would feel if I lost her. Doing MDMA sneakily behind her back, generally disrespecting myself and her as well, is not a healthy place to be in. It makes me truly grateful for my ordinary everday life. Truly grateful to live in love with this wonderful woman. DMT is a teacher, and this harsh lesson was there to nudge me back on my path. <br> <br> Thanks for reading, may you live each moment of every day to its fullest, choosing to live in love and not in fear. <br> <br> <!-- erodrops01 --><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 80226</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 24</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Oct 6, 2010</td><td>Views: 74,672</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=80226&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=80226&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">DMT (18), MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Various (28), Relationships (44), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.25 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> First journey on LSD <br> <br> My first acid trip. Around 11.15am on a brisk Saturday morning in February, I embarked on something that I had been pondering over in some capacity for almost a year. I had decided to voyage into the world of psychedelia. My mind was curious. Consciousness has encompassed my consciousness for a while. We know so little about our minds and the fact that I could venture into ways of being and thinking that would otherwise never be found, engulfs me as something that must be found. How could I live my ‘normal’ existence and not try and voyage to these plains? <br> <br> Months and months of research led me to taking one and a quarter tabs of LSD. In a cabin deep in the Sequoia national forest. With my wife who would be joining me on this journey, and two of our friends that would be sober and sitting us. Our set and setting were primed as well as they could be. <br> Let’s do this. <br> <br> Around an hour into the journey I became interested in lights reflecting off the walls. (We had set Christmas lights all over the cabin to replace the sharp white lights). Had they always been so bright? So illuminating? Hmm. Soon after I needed the bathroom. As I sat on the seat (I’m a sit down and wee kinda guy), I noticed the green bath towel hanging in front of me begin to “breathe”. In and out. In and out. A minute warped breath. So gentle. So interesting. <br> <br> <!-- Soon after -->I noticed that my hand had a vainy greyish blue quality to them. They weren’t beautiful hands. They were old, ageing and almost decaying, but this didn’t trouble me. I was aware that this was just my mind playing curious games. We had begun to watch Fantasia by Walt Disney, and I was enjoying the movie until I wasn’t. The scenes of flooding were jarring and a bit much. Turn it off please. <br> <br> I was asked by my friend Kelsey if I wanted to sit outside on the deck. Sure. The deck was surrounded by huge redwoods. I was excited to see what the trees would show me. I began to see a man. He was looking at me. He was cheeky. He was whimsical. My mind had seemed to conjure up a visual in exactly the same way as when <!-- you-->I would stare up into the clouds as a child. Once you see them, you really see them. It’s all you see. But where clouds dissipate as they stretch and pull apart, trees do not. They stand tall. Strong. He wasn’t going anywhere. Now not at any point did I believe this was a real man that was in a tree. I was very aware that what was happening was my mind playing devious and whimsical tricks. This makes it far more interesting for me though. As I continued to stare at the guy, I noticed the tree was now full of faces. Absolutely fucking everywhere. Carved into the wood of the tree. There were faces in the faces with more faces hidden within those faces. They didn’t take the shape of “a real face" per se but a carved quality that had a stone age feel to them. A Spartan look. A classically strong male chiseled look. Detailed, in vertical hieroglyphics. They always had that age old uniform to them. <br> <br> Kelsey asked me if I wanted to go below and see the tree up close. I did. This was really fucking amazing-- the fact that my mind was doing this! <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">This was really fucking amazing-- the fact that my mind was doing this!</div></div> Just before I went downstairs to the trees, I came across a tarp covering firewood and within the folds and creases and light reflections I saw exactly the same imagery. The hieroglyphic, chiseled male spartan. This reinforced to me the notion of my mind creating these images as opposed to them being “really there”. But incredibly interesting nonetheless. In fact, this understanding made it all so much more interesting to me than if I thought or believed these men were really present. I still very much had my Lee-ness. My wherewithal. My critical faculties and understanding of mind. <br> <br> We began our descent to the trees and I was continuously mystified and enthralled by the presence of this imagery. As I circled the tree they (the images) became vaster and grew taller and taller. I then sat below the trees and that’s when the warping and breathing began. And this was a feature that stayed pretty much throughout the trip. <br> <br> The actual seeing of the faces versus the breathing and warping were two distinctively different features. I’m sure there’s a metaphor that would describe this difference but it is lost on me. It’s almost as if the warping/breathing was clearly a classic hallucination but the faces were real. They were actually there. Carved in. Always there, even though I always knew they were not. But there was still a very different quality to the hallucinations of the stagnant imagery and the motion. Hard to describe. Real vs not real with the understanding that they were both not real. <br> <br> Kelsey asked me to look at the cabin itself and boy was that mind blowing. The wood grain within the panels that make the cabin were circulating and warping in an absolute show of beauty and wonderment. How could my eyes that have always seen things in its normal way be relaying this new sense of visual stimulation to my brain? How amazing and fascinating. Turning and twisting and melting and blending. Not through a filter. Not on a tv screen. But through my eyes. Lee’s eyes. I remember saying, “I’m having such an amazing time, this is so much fun!” I was. It was the most fascinating experience. I then played with a withering leaf that had long fallen from a tree. The meniscal, fine details at the micro level were works of absolute art. The intricate nature of it was enthralling. I remembered being told about the fascination of the micro and I totally understood in that moment. The deep, tiny slithers of edges and holes were the most beautiful woven lace. Caverns of beauty within the decayed fallen leaf from the tree of spartan soldiers. This was another separate quality to the experience- the interest in the micro. If you’ve ever googled microphotography, this is what it was to look at something small. You felt as close as the closest lens could get. And you could get lost in the beauty of the finely tuned intricacy. Later that evening I was in the hot tub and next to me was a table made out of a tree slice. As I sat there and leaned in to look at the bark, I was engulfed into deep caverns, layers and worlds that were in these tiny crevices. Still breathing ever so slightly. Gasping for air. It was just so incredibly interesting and fascinating and mesmeric. <br> <br> Just before we came back inside, I began to notice new imagery on the trees. Alien like. Monster like. You know the guy from Saw with the white face with red swirls? I was seeing him. It was almost like your classical horror figure becoming apparent within the bark. Again, this didn’t bother me in the slightest. My mind was just creating these and I was interested in that process. We then came inside and began to look at some art that was given to us. Starry night by Van Gogh and Sunset at Venice by Monet. These were literally the most visually enthralling pieces of anything I had ever seen. The movement and the beauty. Every time I looked up from the art and realized I was in the living room, the disappointed that I was in a real world and the fact that this realization had taken away from the pure bliss of these pieces of art was becoming very frustrating. This frustration was shared by Heidi so I asked her if she would want to go and sit in the bedroom alone together and stare at the art. Absolutely. Great Idea. <br> <br> We sat and we stared. We reminded one another to just let it take you. Go where it takes you. Let go and just follow the beauty. This was an amazing thing to understand and do. Starry night would, at one moment be a visual time lapse with days and nights passing within seconds, but the flow of beauty would take you to the sky where the whirling winds and clouds would roll in and out over and over, shining beams of beautiful colors and blue lightning swirling in mesmerizing excellence. There aren’t enough superlatives to describe how beautiful it was. Sunset at Venice was so warm and would also continually flow in absolute beauty. I then noticed at the end of the bedroom there was a painting on the wall. I purposefully looked away and said to Heidi that we should put down our paintings, lay back, count to three and stare at that painting together. She was excited. So was I. <br> 1..2..3.. <br> <br> The painting was of a cold winter cabin on top of a hillside covered in snow. The painting just started melting on top of itself. Warping. Circling. The frame itself took on a neon purple shape and started turning and becoming 3D like. Almost felt other worldy. Very intense but wonderful and fun. I’m unsure if this dawned on me then or later but I became aware that the breathing and circling of my visuals were just a spherical imprint of my mind. A hallucination. Therefore I was never fooled into thinking the painting was alive or the trees were breathing. I can totally see how a “breathing tree” would convince someone that they’re alive more than we otherwise understand them to be, and then feel a deeper connection to nature, but I definitely still had the wherewithal to understand that that quality was part of my minds reaction to the drug I had ingested. I’m an evidence based guy and have no need for make believe stories of mysticism but that understanding didn’t take away the enjoyment of the experience itself. <br> <br> My next venture was to meditate. This was always the interest I had and still have in regards to these compounds. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My next venture was to meditate. This was always the interest I had and still have in regards to these compounds.</div></div> I had noticed that my visuals were more beautiful with my eyes closed. My minds eye. Colorful. Vast. Deep. Not deep as in ponderous and thought like, but vast galaxies of lights and images. I remember seeing a female lioness type on top of circling lights. But it was all hard to grasp. The images were always moving and traveling far and beyond. I could never pause and stop and stare at the imagery. It just sped across plains of existence through galaxies of lights. I still had a sense of self. A sense of ego. Although the feeling of me became an undoing at times later in the trip, I was able to use myself to remind myself of the practice of mindful meditation. Something I’ve been practicing for nearly a year now on a fairly regular basis. To not try and stop thoughts, but to observe them as thoughts. To look at them. Be interested in them. To not hold on and see where they go. <br> <br> It was during this meditation that I became unsure if my mind was showing me the interesting planes of color or if it was just me thinking of them or a mixture of the two? My intuition is a mix. At times I felt lost as a passenger and as a visual spectator to the lights and the traveling landscapes. Volcanoes and valleys and mountaintops. Always surrounded by colors flying all over my mind. Was I in control? Was I thinking these thoughts as me? Or was I watching these thoughts as me from afar? Or was I totally removed? I definitely think all of the above. There was definitely no ego death but there were fleeting moments of ego dissolution. Or maybe not? When we are heavily involved in a task, our minds almost have a loss of self. We’re ingrained into the task. Maybe it was just that? Either way it was a journey that I already yearn to travel to again and go even further into. <br> <br> After my mind exploration I walked back into the living room to a frantically excited Heidi. “Lee! You gotta taste this! Taste it!” Heidi’s mind was blown away by some sour skittles she had bought the day before. I popped one in my mouth and holy fucking shitcakes! It was the most remarkable out of body experience! Really! As the sourness of the skittle hit my taste buds and fired off the sensation to my brain, something remarkable happened. I was totally separate to the taste! It wasn’t me tasting it. Two separate entities experiencing the same experience. I closed my eyes and ate another but this time mindfully focusing on what this experience was. With closed eyes and just me and my mind, the taste of sour was the center. A black hole. In a galaxy surrounded by other galaxies. I was the milky way and the sourness was completely separate. Not me. But in the center. As I whirled around it, my mind a tornado, filled with neon colour, the separate skittle was slap bang in the middle. A taste explosion. I began to laugh hysterically as I was aware how preposterous this all was. A taste, so obviously felt by me, but at exactly the same time not. Two separate beings, with my eyes closed experiencing them as one. The imagery and feeling of me being a swirling neon galaxy, circling the planet sour skittle. <br> <br> The whole experience wasn’t all this wonderful. I had a handful of moments when I became aware of my awareness and this took on a negative effect. I tried to be mindful and be interested as to why this was having this effect on me but I couldn’t figure it out. Having a strong sense of me rattling around was really getting to me. Maybe it was disappointment in the knowing that awareness was a thing? That it was me? This really troubled me from time to time, but with the help of my guides I was taken to a new room or taken outside. This immediately didn’t help. Actually at first it made me more aware. I knew what Kelsey was doing. This isn’t going to work. I know what you’re doing. But alas, something would spark my interest and take me elsewhere. Away from my awareness of ego. I totally see how trains of thought could lead someone to a bad trip. To the feeling of schizophrenia. Scary. Very scary. <br> <br> I lay on the sofa and put on “Everything Changes” by the band Love. I closed my eyes. Every time I closed my eyes my visuals were stunning. The music added to the euphoria. What then transpired was the only time I felt the indescribable. I recently listened to Sam Harris describe a mushroom trip and he said “just like clicking one’s fingers isn’t the tool to describe an experience, words are also not the correct tool to describe the experience”. The YouTube channel Psyched Substance also put it a wonderful way once, “try describing what a color is to someone who has always been blind. Being able to describe the intense experiences on Psychedelia is also impossible to describe”. This is something I really wanted to feel going into this. In fact, the only thing I WANTED to feel. And for what may’ve only been minutes, I felt it. Pure bliss. Warmth. Love. Transcendence. All of those thing without it being those things. It was a feeling that was other worldly. Utterly indescribable but euphorically transcendent. I want more of that. I need to explore more of that. <br> <br> We then explored the loft. A small area overlooking the front room. Tiny, steep stairs lead you up to the space with little to no head room. I sat on the bed and instantly became mesmerized by the size of the room. The corner in the far left, in reality maybe 8 feet from me, seemed to be at least double that. I was shouting down to everyone below, “It’s huge up here!”. Heidi came up and sat next to me and also reveled in the tiny space’ grandiose. As we marveled at the optical illusion playing in front of our eyes, Amanda came upstairs and we asked her to sit in the corner of the room. She seemed tiny but giant in the vast distance of the 8ft room. Kelsey then came up the tiny stairs and sat at the top to our right. Kelsey is a larger girl so the illusion of her sitting by these tiny steps along with tiny Amanda sitting in the distance of the elongated loft was the most fascinating optical illusion. It was so similar to scenes from Alice in Wonderland. Amanda in Wonderland. <br> <br> I continued to become agitated with my awareness of my awareness but I was always able to get out of the headspace. I went to sit in the hot tub and marveled at the breathing wood table whilst Heidi had an almost internal sexual experience with Amanda’s cello. We then put on some classical music. I closed my eyes and tried to encompass the sounds. My mind still showing me traveling formations of living luminescent lights. Always showing me. But then something happened. A lightbulb moment. A lightbulb journey. My mind started reveling in love. <br> Love. Love. It’s about love. It’s only about love. <br> <br> I had enough ego to understand that I was having a revelation. Hold on Lee. Keep going. Don’t come back to reality. I heard myself saying out loud, “Oh my God. Shit. I get it! Fuck!”. I wanted to say “I finally understand. It’s just about love”, but I didn’t want to stop the journey. I kept going. As I continued to understand that love was all that mattered, I also started to understand that I was unable to feel more love. I didn’t love anyone any more than I already did. Unlike MDMA where the love you feel is vastly stronger. No. It wasn’t that. What is this I’m feeling? Eyes still closed I was feeling like my mind was a building crescendo of colour and love. I journeyed to a tower. A pyramid shaped tower with a single white light on top- and then it finally hit me! Love wasn’t a feeling. It was a place. A destination. Everything was leading my consciousness to destination Love. <br> <br> That’s it. That’s all I can describe that as. It was absolutely enthralling. It again left me wanting more. Wanting to journey further. Go further into my mind and the depths of what still baffles scientists to this day. Consciousness and its contents. <br> <br> I don’t feel like I am now different because of this. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I don’t feel like I am now different because of this.</div></div> It hasn’t affected me after. I don’t believe trees have souls or even that we have souls that travel to a tower of love. My mind under a foreign compound isn’t evidence for this. It just makes me want to venture deeper. Further. Into plains that seem light years away but live within my mind. <br> <br> The night began to peter out. I started coming down and then going up again. I had a nice time vibing to British hip-hop, then I got really annoyed at a barking dog. I moved bedrooms and started creating a physical experience with each body part moving as a musical instrument which made Heidi laugh, but I then got uncomfortable and hot and annoyed again. I needed to move. I began to feel so tired. Not physically but mentally. It felt like my mind had run a marathon and rather than stopping and resting, it continued to jog. Even though its aching limbs were beyond exhausted. I just wanted to be able to close my eyes and see nothing. Black. Good ol’ boring Lee thoughts. But it continued to show me the dancing lights of traveling neon. <br> <br> Heidi’s butt felt nice. I wasn’t horny but I thought that having sex with my mind still in technicolor might be interesting. The sex was great. Normal great. But the climax was ABSOLUTELY INSANE. An accordion of matrix like rainbows. My mind’s dial had been playing at 4 around this point, but as I had my orgasmic peak, my mind went fuck you and turned the volume all the way to MAX. I lay in silence and Heidi asked if I was okay. “You don’t know. You just don’t know” was all I could say. Words would not have done the sensation justice. <br> <br> Just before we went to sleep I sat in the living room and stared out at the shadows of the trees. The full moon seeping through the branches of the sleeping giants. Calming. Peaceful. Quiet. I realized that I hadn’t worn my glasses all day. I’m near sighted and can’s see very well- especially at night. Glasses at night always make everything crisper but as the drug was leaving its final marks on my brain, it still had enough of a stronghold to show me something new and interesting. The best way to describe is how when one watches a 3D movie without the glasses, the visuals are off and distorted. Only when one puts on the glasses everything then becomes crisp, clear and visually enthralling. This was happening with my glasses. Everything took on a crisper, more concise and sharper quality. Almost a deeper dimension. Beautiful. <br> <br> In closing, the whole experience was wonderful. I wasn’t fooled by my visuals. I was always aware they were my mind and for me, that made the experience fascinating, enthralling and enjoyable. The visuals, as fun as they were, were not the reason I bought the ticket. The price of admission was for the mind. The depths of consciousness. At times I was over the visuals. I wasn’t interested any more. I wanted the compound to show me more. Take me further. Drown me in your beautific depths, and show me the vastness of the world’s greatest mystery. Until next time. <br> <br> P.S. <br> At some point earlier in the day I started talking to Heidi about how amazing it was when my mind went to these nether regions. Heidi started talking back. Also proclaiming how the sensations were mind blowing. Ecstatic explosions. “Yes! You get it too! How cool”. Heidi fervently agreed that she understood and we continued to philosophize over the profundity of that experience. <br> Then Heidi mentioned the flavor… <br> Wait… <br> Is she talking about sour skittles this whole time?! <br> “Yeah. What are you talking about?”, <br> “Consciousness”. <br> <br> Who knew that the depths of mind and sour skittles could have the same mind blowing, philosophical qualities. Only on LSD it seems.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115255</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 38</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Mar 23, 2021</td><td>Views: 6,364</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115255&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115255&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Meditation (128), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">36.5 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 2:44</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12 oz</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 5:21</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/etizolam/">Etizolam</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 7:13</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12 oz</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 7:13</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 oz</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Hard</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 7:13</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/etizolam/">Etizolam</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 9:23</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12 oz</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 9:23</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/etizolam/">Etizolam</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 9:40</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12 oz</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 9:40</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.75 oz</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Hard</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 11:21</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/etizolam/">Etizolam</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 11:21</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">191 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> <b>Background Information:</b> <br> In the realm of substance experimentation I consider myself something of a seasoned veteran. I have extensive experience with stimulants, dissociatives, opioids, opiates, benzodiazepines, tryptamines, and phenethylamines. Many of my experiences involve research chemicals and unique combinations of substances. <br> <br> I take 5000 IU of vitamin D3 daily along with 2400 mg of mesalamine for a lifelong stomach condition. I do not consider either of these to be a contributor factor in this experience. <br> <br> The entirety of the experience in the report below was spent in the company of my life partner Kai and my trusty dog Gee. We spent the day together in our home and on the rural road on which we live. The set and setting were absolutely prime for the experience; a controlled and optimized space plus well intentioned adventuring. <br> <br> A combination of written notes and audio recordings were used in the creation of this report. I am confident that the timestamps are accurate. <br> <br> The material ingested in the experience described below was sourced from a vetted individual. The volumetric dosage preparation technique is described below. <br> <br> Tolerance was a complete non factor on the day of the experience with the exception of alcohol. At the time of the experience I was consuming 4-8 drinks per day. <br> <br> My history with LSD is relatively extensive. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My history with LSD is relatively extensive.</div></div> My past includes frequent ingestion and infrequent ingestion, in small [10-50 ug], medium [50-150 ug] and large [150 ug – 1.5+mg] dosages. LSD was not the first psychedelic I tried, but it was the first I fell in love with. I had positive experience after positive experience. Each time I explored the substance I discovered new ways to think, to see, and to be. I was all in. This honeymoon phase lasted a long time. Several years in fact. When the streak came to and end, it was a bitter, disastrous, scarring end indeed. <br> <br> The beginning of the end was a day on which I ate a fairly high dosage of LSD [~600 ug]. No other substances were involved besides cannabis (smoked plant material), which I had a strong daily habit of at <!-- this point in-->the time. Things were going swimmingly at a small private music event during which I even met one of my all time favorite musicians. Somewhere around T + 3:30, I simply become lost in my mind. This was the first time that the thought loops, confusion, and general wonkiness of my brain had turned truly negative and no matter what I tried; meditation, food, conversation with a sitter, deep breathing - things would not turn around. I patiently waited for the hours to ooze by as one must do, and eventually returned to sweet and beautiful baseline. <br> <br> Unfortunately, these same inescapable mazes of negative thoughts, especially those centered around the fear of tripping too hard, plagued my LSD usage for 15-20 experiences in a row. No matter what I tried, I held severe nausea in my stomach and was infected by the uninterrupted worry of tripping too heavily until I passed the peak intensity of each experience. Only <!-- once I began the decline-->then could I let go and begin to enjoy myself. As this pattern showed no signs of breaking, I stepped away from LSD and most other longer acting psychedelics (phenethylamines and tryptamines primarily) and began deeper exploration of other mind altering substances. <br> <br> I have known full well that the time would come; the time where I wanted, perhaps even <i>needed</i> to leverage LSD as a tool for learning, assessing <!-- new positioning-->a new stage in life, and creative critical thinking. This time is now. I have felt it growing for months now, and I am confident that an attempt, a first step, is due to occur. Being the cautious person I am, I elected to avoid the diving board and the deep end of the pool. A gradual building of dosages over multiple experiences seems to me the perfect way to put my toes back in the water. If things don’t go well; no harm no foul. If they do; I’ll proceed with the next step up in dosage in the next experience. <br> <br> For this journey I prepared the dosage by placing a blotter laid with 255 micrograms of LSD into 35 ml of agave-based ethanol [40% ABV]. This was stirred and shaken every thirty minutes for the first five hours, then left overnight until the morning when the same agitation schedule was resumed for the two hours prior to ingestion. The result was 7.3 ug/ml of LSD. All of the volumetric process was performed with clean and freshly calibrated syringes. <br> <br> Wanting my body to be nourished later in the day while my appetite is likely suppressed, I prepare a simple breakfast. A single fried egg, runny as a nose with a cold, hot melted cheddar cheese, as sharp as a samurai’s sword, both atop a lightly toasted everything bagel. After enjoying the salty sustenance with Kai, I wait fifteen minutes and then it is time. <br> <br> <hr> <br> <br> T + 00:00 [9:45 AM] <br> Rather unceremoniously, as shots of tequila tend to be early in the morning, I toss back the 5.0 ml [36.5 ug of LSD]. The taste is unaffected by the LSD’s presence. I fill the shot glass with tap water <!-- from the sink--> (well water) and drink again. I repeat this several times to ensure I ingest the entirety of the intended dosage. <br> <br> I immediately make my way into the shower, to freshen up for the day. <br> <br> T + 00:24 [10:09 AM] <br> The shower is completely normal. This is great news! No anxiety, concerns, or stomach discomfort! I know I have chosen my dosage correctly if none of these are present. <br> <br> I dress in a comfortable pair of pants, a soft shirt, and my favorite pair of wool socks. Lets do this! <br> <br> I don’t believe I detect any psychedelic effects yet. The tingle of excitement, tail end of the O-DSMT I took last night, and the tiny bit of tequila serve as camouflage for the entrance of the LSD to my mind and body. <br> <br> In my eagerness for things to begin, I am playing the “do I feel a little different?” game with myself; searching for the smallest detectable difference between my sober existence and my current one. <br> <br> I believe I have achieved a ± on the Shulgin Rating Scale. The movement of my arms is awkward. I test my coordination and do not find anything wanting in this department. I sit on the couch, waving my hands back and forth<!-- in front of myself-->, and probably looking slightly insane. I register that I am commanding my appendages to move. They are obeying my directions and doing so with normal precision. During my limbs' journey through space however, they don’t truly register as my own. They are distant, less sensitive, and almost rubbery in their interaction with the air. <br> <br> Kai and I have some music playing, mostly gentle lo-fi electronic. It sounds pleasant, but not enhanced in any way at this point. <br> <br> Focusing my vision is a challenge; my eyeballs feel like they are vibrating and I struggle to hold my gaze in one place for very long. Colors are starting to pop with more saturation. <!-- I find my-->My eyes are drawn to parts of the room where texture and patterns are prominent. I meander around the main room of the house, exploring this new “pattern detection ability”. The windows are due for a cleaning, the streaks on their outside seem not only to grab my attention, but to be pleasantly spaced and shaped. There is no active re-organization or movement from the window stains but my brain recognizes patterns where there are none. Smears, stains, and dust appear as faces and geometric shapes. The dirty windows are just so beautiful! <br> <br> My wandering leads me back to the couch, <!-- leaving my view full of-->where the stone fireplace and wooden coffee table<!-- . Both--> attract my gaze like a magnet. The tight lines in the wood grain <!-- are high-->appear in high contrast<!-- , my gaze is seize-->. After forcing myself to look away, I find the visual magnet <!-- pulling-->attracted to an area of the fireplace that is lightly darkened from heat, soot, and flame. The texture of the soot-covered stones is magnified; each crack and crevice seems twice as deep and defined as the <!-- other--> rocks. <br> <br> T + 00:53 [10:38 AM] <br> My mental age is rolling backwards; a child-like state of mind is replacing my analytical “grown up” mind. I don’t have to pretend to have fun while I play games with Gee. Tossing toys for her to fetch and crawling on the floor to romp around feels normal and natural. There is no pressure or awkwardness for being silly and fully engaged in this nonsense. I also do not feel badly about quitting playing when it no longer suits me. I am doing what feels right without analyzing my actions. After all, I am just playing with my dog while slowly coming up on some LSD: how much calculated analysis should I put into such a scenario? It seems obvious that the answer is: very little. Normally I would overanalyze. This reprieve from my sober mind-state is a liberating and enjoyable. <br> <br> I can feel the atoms that make up my physical body. The particles that are resonating though every inch of my body, in all directions, are impossibly small. I examine this physical condition further. <br> <br> I can’t claim feelings of euphoria, but my physical body definitively feels positive. My muscles, flesh, and organs are all in a good mood. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My muscles, flesh, and organs are all in a good mood.</div></div> Not high, or rushing: just positive. <br> <br> The proverbial sands of time are draining from the cosmic hourglass quickly: almost double the rate I would guess. I’m continually surprised as I check in with the clock for note taking purposes. <br> <br> A feeling of returning home <!-- presents itself to me--> sets in. I feel almost sleepy. Letting my eyes drift out of focus and then pulling them back to attention is an unusually comfortable variety of visual focal failure. <br> <br> T + 01:07 [10:52 AM] <br> I’m past a + on the Shulgin Rating Scale now. A quasi-synesthesia takes form as my “I”, my internal sense of ego or being, <i>becomes</i> the music playing from above me in the loft. The sounds of the music intertwine with my thoughts in a beguiling way. These sounds and my “me” manifest as immersive closed eyed visuals. Magnificent teal and mint colored globules slowly float through a black abyss. These are not just moving pictures on the back of my eyelids. Each colored shape shifting blob is a pieces of my mind and at the same time parts of the music. They/I expand and contract as the characteristics of the song change. I watch the shapes morph while I feel my body and mental state swell and contract in unison. What I see is what I feel and vice versa. <br> <br> Attempting to control the shapes is fruitless, but seemingly not beyond possibility. The realization of the phenomenon I’m experiencing startles me out of it. This is just like realizing that I am amidst a lucid dream. The excitement of realizing it is happening ruins the dream by waking me up. My melding with the music slips away after the momentary lapse in the connection brought on by my excitement. <br> <br> My dog Gee is particularly pointy. Her hair specifically. It is as if I can see each follicle of hair from multiple angles at the same time. The coloration is all wrong also. The brown <!-- portion of-->in her coat is perfectly matching parts of the room. Gee’s fur, the mantle, and the surrounding stones of the fireplace simultaneously drift across the ROY portion of the <!-- Roy G. Biv--> color spectrum. <br> <br> Gee’s agouti is transfixing. Running my hands through it brings forth an explosion of color. Hey fur flips directions, exposing its secondary tone with mind-boggling fluidity. Similarly, the other objects in the room share this mysterious ability to flow from one color to another without any noticeable transition<!-- I can capture with my eyes-->. <br> <br> I’m scribing some comments in my notebook about the experience. The pen is too heavy to write properly with. I’m physically weak, similar to how my hands can feel weak in the morning shortly after waking up. <br> <br> The air is clearer<!-- , less visible--> than normal. It is like there is less material between me and the objects in the room. Everything in my vision is clearer, sharper, and slightly more color saturated. The farther away objects are from me, the more noticeable the effects are. <!-- The-->Staring at the timber beams on the ceiling and the railing along the loft’s edge, I'm <!-- allow me to see-->seeing greater detail from this distance than ever before. Splinters of wood on the railing and the wire brush strokes on the steel balusters are obscenely obvious. The main structural beams appear closer than they truly are. I can see minute details of swirling wood grain hiding in the barn-wood's diverse <!-- gray color scheme-->grays. With my attention on the two prominent structural beams, I slip into a more passive state of observation. The entire vaulted ceiling tilts like a ship swaying on the ocean. The line down the <!-- center, that is the center point-->peak of the “A shape” of our ceiling folds flat, first on one side and then the other. Once the top of the room has gone completely horizontal, the outer edges of the ceiling hinge downward, making the pitch of the roof steeper, the center angle more acute. This folding to and fro, back and forth, repeats two times before <!-- stopping in place with normality restored-->returning to normal. The angles on each side of the roof return. It seems like the start of breathing visuals, but like the entire house was breathing<!-- in unison-->, rather than individual components. <br> <br> T + 01:19 [11:04 AM] <br> I grow colder and colder. No matter how many layers I add to my outfit; wool socks, long underwear, and sweatshirts, I cannot <!-- bring warmth to my bones-->get warm. My extremities suffer the worst. This does not feel especially positive or negative, but the inside of my head is being invaded by a pressure that simultaneously shrinks and expands my brain matter, which is definitively negative. It feels wrong, like a headache, an itch, and a bruise happening all at once. <br> <br> A sense of wonderment fills me. Walking from one room to another feels like an adventure. My own home feels like a foreign land, filled with excitement and unknowns. I ponder the idea of walking to our garage (one hundred some-odd feet away from my front door). It seems as though this might be a grand idea, who knows what amazement I would find there?! <br> <br> A trickle of reason still exists in my mind. I realize there is a fair chance that I could make my way into the garage only to find myself a little high, standing in a very ordinary garage: bored and unimpressed. <br> <br> This feeling that even the smallest tasks are great challenges, and familiar places are foreign, is a classic effect of LSD for me. I’m very surprised to find it present at such low a dose. It is extremely convincing and authentic. <br> <br> T + 01:30 [11:15 AM] <br> Texting is difficult. I get mentally tangled as I read and re-read my drafted replies. I can’t tell if I’m getting my point across with any sort of accuracy. My phone is abandoned on the coffee table. I have been sucked into the device for a few minutes, locked into the pattern of reading an incoming message, then repeatedly questioning my response before going back to read the original incoming message. Breaking this cycle feels good. I feel as though I’ve “snapped back”, suddenly a little closer to reality than I was moments before. Kai, Gee, and I decide to go for the ultimate adventure: a walk up our road. <br> <br> Day old snow crunches beneath our boots. The thick fir trees that line our single lane dirt road are burdened by the load of ice and snow<!-- that lay upon them-->. The wind is calm now, but its recent presence is visible in the <!-- drifted--> snow <!-- banks-->drifts. The needles of the more exposed trees are completely frozen, each needle a dazzling tentacle reaching out, asking the shining sun to melt its beautiful encasement. <br> <br> I feel at ease. Strides are not cumbersome in the least. I talk idly with Kai about how I am feeling as well as some other chit chat type topics. <br> <br> After just over half a mile up the road, we pass a neighbor on his way into town. We are friendly, but not well acquainted. The first few minutes of conversation are smooth. I don’t even think about the fact that I’m a bit overdressed for a casual walk and have my camera with me, which one might think is unusual for an everyday dog walk. As the LSD’s effects <!-- begin to--> rise inside me again, I begin to wonder if I’m sounding weird or intoxicated. I find myself wanting the interaction to be over as soon as possible. <br> <br> Luckily this happens naturally and we part ways. Kai assures me I sounded and looked completely normal, although we did share a good laugh about my attire. I overdressed, and as a result become warm from walking. Upon encountering our neighbor I had multiple layers tied around my waste in a comedic “I’ve never hiked before just bought a complete outfit at an outdoors outfitters shop” sort of way. <br> <br> Another half mile up the winding road <!-- provides us with-->reveals a stupendous view of the mountain ranges that border us on two sides. While I appreciate the scenery, as I always do, there is no special connection to the view, or any strong visual effects. <br> <br> T + 02:01 [11:46 PM] <br> We turn around and begin the return journey back down to our house. <br> <br> I’m going through cycles of being sweaty and hot then shivering and cold. Perhaps this is just occurring as I pass from sun to shade. I cannot make good sense of the outside world and my relationship to it. The effects are intensifying. Walking is beginning to feel strange. My coordination is different. Not in the stumbling impaired manner <!-- it can become-->that can come with alcohol, dissociatives, or benzodiazepines. This feels more like my legs are rubbery and both ultra sensitive and numb at the same time. The strangeness brings about some frustration. I find myself falling behind Kai whose natural pace is quick. My thoughts rapidly shift now that conversation has ceased. I’m frustrated and confused. Confused because I don’t know why I am frustrated, and frustrated because I don’t understand why I am confused. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I’m frustrated and confused. Confused because I don’t know why I am frustrated, and frustrated because I don’t understand why I am confused.</div></div> Paradoxical confusion swirls around me. All I know is I want to get back to the house and be off my feet. I need to rest and be comfortable. I feel almost desperate. <br> <br> I trudge one foot in front of the other, now alongside Kai but unable to say much. All mental capacity is committed to concentrating on walking the slippery road and longing to be home. <br> <br> For a few strides I can feel the ground through my boots. How is this possible? Is it the ground? Or just snow compressing beneath my feet? What on Earth is this? I am making snowballs with my feet. This cracks a smile across my face momentarily. Are my legs numb? Or the exact opposite? Hyper-sensitive? Tingly. Yes. Whoa. I can feel each follicle of hair on my legs contact my pants as I walk, the legs tingle with ferocity. <br> <br> Why am I thinking like this? My mind races with questions. It seems unable to to track back and answer one question before firing out several more. <br> <br> T + 02:22 [12:07 PM] <br> We made it. I’m a mess as I come through the door. Kai is kind enough to clean up Gee’s paws and shut the door behind us. I strip off my shirt and socks, leaving a trail of discarded clothing behind me as I make my way for the couch. <br> <br> My hair is slick with sweat as I run my hands through it. I close my eyes and cradle my head in my hands. I try and reel myself in as best I can. I still feel slightly out of control or confused but don’t have a real reason for any of these feelings. I rationalize with myself: there is nothing wrong, I’ve made it to the couch where I had promised myself everything would be alright during the walk home, and this is just the final upswing to the peak of the experience. <br> <br> T + 02:25 [12:10 PM] <br> The internal conversation seems to be working. My mind is already less rattled as I comfort my physical body using blankets and pillows. Out of the shadows of a negative headspace, a smile creeps onto my face as I peer around the living room, inspecting it for visuals. <br> <br> I find a notable alteration in my ability to focus my eyes. I can focus on a wider range of depth than normal. As I write in my notebook, not only is the page in focus, but also the floor behind it, as well as the items in my peripheral. Foreground and background are strangely visible in full clarity and detail. <br> <br> T + 02:37 [12:22 PM] <br> I touch down for a moment: the effects have dipped slightly. This allows me to do some self checks and note taking. <br> <br> Energy is folding inside of me. Slow moving waves of heat and vibration stack on top of themselves like pahoehoe lava moving across the ground. Slowly this intensifies between my ears, each fold of my brain detectable as a line of energy or vibration that has pressure on either side of it. My brain feels squishy. The room seems to have a similar “energy”, a physical force pulsing through the air. My folding pressures interact with that of the room, transferring from one to the other: me affecting the room and the room affecting me. The synergy of this is of a kind nature. I am not under attack or imposing myself on anything. The give and take seems familiar; like it is happening all the time but I am unaware of it. <br> <br> This exchange between the environment and myself is intriguing and generally pleasurable. The feeling that has concentrated in my skull however is a source of distraction and discomfort. This is the most annoying part of the experience at this point. <br> <br> My eyes are pleasantly dazed. They drift rather than dart around the room. They float from one area of the room to another without particular intention or effort on my part. Slow moving angular curiosities manifest in my macro view of the world. The vaulted fir ceilings are doing the same flattening and unflattening as earlier. The pace of the movement is much faster now however. The dormers in the loft, which add a second angle to the pitch of the roof, oscillate out of sync from the movement of the main ceiling. <br> <br> The clink of the Kai’s fork against her bowl jars me out of my trance. Although she is seated at the other end of the couch, it sounds as though she is standing over me hammering the fork and bowl together like a drummer beside my head. <br> <br> I struggle to communicate with Kai; we seem to be in different worlds, separated by some invisible mental barrier. <br> <br> I’m cold! Sensations from reality are rushing back. Although I’m partially under several blankets, my shoulders are still bare and the air that touches them is icy. A dry tee-shirt is just the ticket. It brings not only warmth but also a sense of security and safety. <!-- Amidst my newfound warmth-->Now warm, I am able to let the LSD wash over me. <br> <br> Colors are shifting all across the stones of the fireplace and hearth. Browns turn to oranges which in turn flow into the spectrum of reds. Not only do the hues and saturation change, but the temperature of the colors does also. Cool, warm, cool, warm. Things shift slyly, yet out in the open at the same time. The only similar visual trickery from sober life I can come up with is how the sun displaces shadows with light and vice versa as it dances around clouds in the sky. <br> <br> In addition to coloration, the spatiality of the fireplace is out of wack. As a whole unit, it looks short and wide, retaining its width but reducing its height by perhaps 25%. I don’t see it stretch, but suddenly it is normal height again. A single blink later and it is squat once more – how did I miss the transition again?! I purposefully do not look away – but the size alteration somehow slips past me time and time again. Giving up on the macro scale changes I focus in on the details a bit more. Each block of stone comes to life. <!-- I can’t help but think of Hogwarts, from Harry Potter, as the square cut rocks wave and ripple with movement in a grid pattern around the flame-filled center. --> As the grid of square cut rocks wave and ripple with movement around the flame-filled center, I can’t help but think of Hogwarts. <br> <br> My focus drifts from the stones themselves and re-centers on the squirming, squiggling strings of mortar that usually go unnoticed between each piece of rock. The gray material seems to be a single entity, wrapping itself around the more colorful stones. It shrinks itself narrow, then expands. None of the breathing, wiggling, or re-arranging is fast or chaotic. The visuals are syrupy and slow. <br> <br> My mindset follows suit – or is it the other way around? Either way, <!-- calmness is prominent now-->I've achieved calm. The stable environment, being in one place rather than moving, is comforting and allowing me to enjoy the experience with my guard down. Yes, I am sure now. The setting is the source of the slower flow to my existence. <br> <br> T + 02:44 [12:29 PM] <br> I open a light beer [12 oz 5.1% ABV]. The taste is unaffected; cold and refreshing, but without much depth in the taste profile. <br> <br> A sense of antsiness manifests in my jaw and teeth. I’m not clenching or grinding but I’m holding my mouth in such a manner that my teeth almost touch. In this position a steady minor tremor is felt through my lower set of teeth. <br> <br> T + 03:30 [1:30 PM] <br> The effects feel steady now. I always find the final escalation up to the peak of an experience’s intensity curve to be the most rattling part of the experience. Any progression in intensity can be unnerving given my history with this substance and as such, the ultimate version of this is the final wave upwards to the apex. I now know that I have survived the last climb and am settling nicely into the end of the plateau of the substance. <br> <br> T + 04:05 [1:50 PM] <br> I comment to Kai that I think time is passing quickly. Amidst writing that the “past hour and a half has flown by”, I realize that I have read the clock incorrectly and it has only been thirty minutes. This is a bit of a shock – time is passing slowly not quickly! <br> <br> <!-- A twang of hunger stings my stomach. This is the first signal that perhaps I am embarking on my journey back to baseline.-->A twinge of hunger stings my stomach, perhaps the first signal that I may be on my way back to baseline. <br> <br> All the notable effects are dialing back simultaneously. My brain feels more normal, I’m not nearly as conscious of its physical presence as I was early. There is less stretching and folding happening between my ears. I also seem more connected to Kai. My ability to converse is improving drastically. <br> <br> <!-- I find it odd to know the LSD will ease me back to baseline slowly (pyramid shape intensity curve), rather than how many of the dissociative substances I have been using more often recently, march to a crescendo then die off quickly.--> I find it odd to know the LSD will ease me back to baseline slowly (pyramid shape intensity curve); in contrast, the dissociative substances I have been using more often recently tend to march to a crescendo then die off quickly. <br> <br> T + 05:07 [2:52 PM] <br> The decline is now definitive and steady. I’m happy about this. Today has been a terrific re-acquaintance with this substance. The experience was mostly positive. It lacked the signature difficult and bad trip characteristics that have plagued me with LSD. There was just the right amount of challenging moments to remind me about the power of this chemical. It has been well balanced and useful: exactly what I intended to achieve today. <br> <br> On paper, the comedown should mirror the reverse intensity of the comeup. However, being on the other side of the “mountain”, I feel more in control and comfortable. Overall I am very happy with the day except the pressure in my head that continues to annoy me. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Overall I am very happy with the day except the pressure in my head that continues to annoy me.</div></div> <br> <br> T + 05:21 [3:06 PM] <br> The effects of the LSD are really dwindling now. I’m off baseline, but the experience feels as though it has concluded. The lingering discomfort of the body load in my brain is unpleasant and annoying. I find myself dwelling on the sensation. To combat this sensation I orally ingest 1 mg of etizolam in a propylene glycol solution. I am pretty sure the benzodiazepine will ease the mental tension and smooth out the final descent off of the LSD. <br> <br> T + 05:50 [3:35 PM] <br> I finally move from my nest on the couch. I relocate to the loft with Gee. She is so soft to pet! I’m sitting on the floor inundating the poor pup with love. Some of the simple child-like mindset lingers on – resurges in fact. I’m smothering Gee in hugs while giggling softly: everything feels so incredibly right in the world. <br> <br> The etizolam is assuaging my mental discomfort and in doing so, allowing the more enjoyable overshadowed effects of the experience. My mood has drastically improved since the ingestion of the etizolam. <br> <br> My notes read: <br> <br> Love <br> <br> Openness <br> <br> ALL FEELINGS <br> <br> I do feel that all my emotions are close to the surface. Every feeling I feel is genuine, true, and deep. When I feel an emotion, it envelops me quickly and I don’t question it at all. <br> <br> T + 07:13 [4:58 PM] <br> Kai and I have been chatting intermittently while listening to music. All visual effects have long since departed but the alterations in my mental space are still present. The magic brought on by the etizolam has been fading for the past half hour or so. With this dwindling, the uncomfortable folding in my head has resurfaced. It is far less intense than earlier, but still unpleasant. <br> <br> I chase the disagreeable feeling away with alcohol. I open a beer [12 oz 5.1% ABV] and pour a whiskey [2 oz 40% ABV] over ice to enjoy in tandem. <!-- Two milligrams of etizolam is also ingested now.-->I ingest two more milligrams of etizolam. <br> <br> T + 07:29 [5:14 PM] <br> The benzo and booze have not yet taken full effect (I have now finished both drinks). The stretchy headspace has lessened but <!-- has not yet been fully banished--> it's still there. <br> <br> My body reflects the etizolam while my mental space is an interesting mix of the ingested substances. My arms lack euphoria but they have shifted into a state of pleasant weightlessness. I’m spacing out but am regularly interrupted by spurts of rapid thought. These are mostly organized but also a bit random. Thought loops and confusion are absent. <br> <br> ZIP! <br> <br> ZING! <br> <br> Electrical currents shoot through, in, out, and around my body and mind. Similar to the involuntary muscular jerking felt as one falls asleep, but without physical manifestation: these jolts of energy ricochet around my internals. <br> <br> T + 08:27 [6:12 PM] <br> I’m acting as though I have not taken LSD now. The afternoon seems far behind me. Sure, lingering effects make themselves known from time to time, but normality is taking over again. As usual, recalling a psychedelic experience is challenging, the details slipping through my grasp like a dream after waking up. This combined with the etizolam I have ingested has me wondering if I will be able to recall the parts of today that were not notated meticulously. <br> <br> T + 09:23 [7:08 PM] <br> A milligram of etizolam is washed down with a delicious light beer [5.1% ABV 12 oz]. I have not yet felt the onset of sedation or inebriation from these substances. They are, alongside the power of time, banishing any persisting effects of the LSD. My head is a bit empty<!-- : nothingness happily occupies it-->. <br> <br> T + 09:40 [7:25 PM] <br> I hurry down a beer (5.1% ABV 12 oz] and toss back some tequila [40% ABV .75 oz]. I finally feel fully departed from the LSD. <br> <br> When a ethought does drift through my barren mind it seems more cosmic than when I take etizolam on its own. I think a good deal about personal relationships, the specific actions that are common or absent. <!-- No revelations were arrived at-->There are no revelations, but the thoughts are deep are pleasant nonetheless. <br> <br> T + 11:21 [9:06 PM] <br> My mind feels drained, not just blanked out from the benzo, but exercised and fried from the mental exertion brought on by the LSD. Although it is early, I decide to press onwards towards sleep. I drop a final milligram of etizolam into my mouth from the syringe, and begin to repetitively take hits from my cannabis pen vaporizer. This only serves to enhance the intensity of the etizolam. No classic cannabis effects are noted. <br> <br> T + 11:59 [9:44 PM] <br> This is the earliest I have laid down to sleep in a long while. I believe the benzos are acting in tandem with the mental and physical exhaustion that come from a full day in a psychedelic state. I drift into a deep sleep with almost zero effort. <br> <br> <hr> <br> <br> <b>Additional Commentary</b> <br> <br> At the peak of the experience, I was between a + and a ++ on the Shulgin Rating Scale. If this was my first experience on psychedelics, I’d probably have assigned this intensity a ++. Given my history with stronger dosages, I know this is not accurate. I find it interesting that changing the flavor of the mind altering substance, from my dissociatives preference, seemed to allow me to be deeply immersed by the LSD on a small dosage. <br> <br> I came away from this experience with a newfound excitement for LSD and similar substances. Two months later, I have still not acted on this excitement and experimented again in this genre. Part of this is due to the fact that the materials require a full day. Additionally, the <!-- physical load on my--> body load, which manifested in my head, is not something I wish to revisit, especially at an increased intensity. Besides these two logical reasons, something else, something I cannot put my finger on, keeps me from selecting LSD when choosing a substance to ingest. <br> <br> I didn’t return to an actual “baseline” while awake due to the other substances ingested, but the LSD’s main effects drew to a close around 5:30 PM [T + 7:45]. The mental folding annoyed me a bit longer than this, but this felt more like a hangover than the end of the experience in earnest. <br> <br> I was exceptionally surprised by the “wonder” and surreality I felt. It was the “first time” feeling. This feeling had been absent from many, not all, but most of my LSD experiences in the past few years. Discovering that the magic has not been lost forever was a major takeaway from the day. <br> <br> The visuals were enjoyable, but light. I did find myself wanting more from the experience in this department. The effects were on par, if not more intense than I figured they would be at this dosage. Unfortunately the physical sensations detracted greatly from my ability to enjoy what visual effects did arise and the headspace I reached. I wonder if this unpleasant balance of effects was because of the dosage . . . Would a larger amount have tipped the scales to make the ratio more enjoyable? <br> <br> The experience was well rounded. A prime example of the difficulties and golden pleasures accessible through this substance. A kind but earnest example of a day spent in psychedelia. <br> <br> <!-- Dosage Chart: <br/> <br/> Time Substance Form ROA Amount <br/> T + 00:00 LSD liquid oral 36.5 ug <br/> T + 02:44 Alcohol – Beer liquid oral 12 oz <br/> T + 05:21 etizolam liquid oral 1 mg <br/> T + 07:13 Alcohol – Beer liquid oral 12 oz <br/> T + 07:13 Alcohol – Hard liquid oral 2 oz <br/> T + 07:13 etizolam liquid oral 2 mg <br/> T + 09:23 etizolam liquid oral 1 mg <br/> T + 09:23 Alcohol – Beer liquid oral 12 oz <br/> T + 09:40 Alcohol – Beer liquid oral 12 oz <br/> T + 09:40 Alcohol – Hard liquid oral .75 oz <br/> --><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114004</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 29</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jan 27, 2020</td><td>Views: 5,787</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114004&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114004&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">7.14 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">8.568 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">11.424 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5.7 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">8.568 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">14.28 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12.852 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12.852 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12.852 ug</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">185 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> <b>LSD – Not My Silver Bullet</b> <br> <br> This report is part of an eight-report collection. The collection consists of <a href="/exp/115531">a summary report</a> that is retrospective and generalized in nature as well as seven [of which this is one] more detailed chronicles of my experiences with various chemicals used intentionally for work or study enhancement. Each report documents a single substance used for thirty days. The idea was to give each material a chance to show its strengths and weaknesses. <!-- If desired, please see the summary report HERE, where one can read-->The summary report has shorter descriptions and comparisons of my experiences with each material, as well as links to the other full-length experience reports for each substance. <br> <br> <b>Background Information</b> <br> <br> I consider myself to be well versed in the realm of substance use. Previous experiences include opiates, stimulants and psychedelics spanning over more than a decade. A fair amount of my substance usage history includes novel research chemicals often in less than common combinations. <br> <br> The LSD used in my experimenting was sourced form a respectable vendor and the same batch from which I had tried previously in small, medium, and large dosages. I trusted the 255 micrograms per tab I began with. I dropped one blotter into 35 ml of agave-based ethanol [40% ABV]. This was stirred and shaken every thirty minutes for the first five hours, then left overnight until the morning when the same agitation schedule was resumed for the two hours prior to the first ingestion. The resulting solution was 7.3 ug/ml of LSD. All of the volumetric processes were performed with clean and freshly calibrated syringes. <br> <br> It should be noted that all of the LSD dosages were administered orally; I did not hold the liquid in my mouth at all before swallowing. <br> <br> I did not have any tolerance to LSD coming into the beginning of my month of using the substance. <br> <br> This report was written using extensive notes as well as audio recordings taken during the experience. <br> <br> My history of using LSD is substantial. Over more than a decade I’ve explored the substance from truly imperceptible micro-dosing all the way up to galaxy destroying megadoses. I began my month of LSD on the cusp between micro-doses and “mini-doses”. To clarify the difference: to me, a micro-dose is one that is too small to allow any discernible effects to be detected. A mini-dose is the smallest dosages at which I feel threshold effects. <br> <br> As I progressed through my program of LSD, I found my “sweet-spot” dosage to be firmly on the mini-dose side of the fence. Several months prior to my documented thirty days I played around to narrow my ideal dosage range. During the ‘pre-season’, I could not find anything positive resulting from micro-dosing. Like taking a daily vitamin, it might have been good for me, but I didn’t notice it correlating to enhanced performance in any form whatsoever. It was easy to decide that what I was searching for was a tangible boost in my mental abilities during both work and non-work activities. In a similar fashion I ruled out dosages above twenty micrograms. These became too intense, particularly during the peak of the experiences, to be appropriated for the variety of work scenarios that might arise. <br> <br> <b>Study Dosage Timeline</b> <br> <br> My ingestion schedule was as follows: <br> <br> Day 1/30: 7.14 micrograms <br> Day 2/30: Off Day <br> Day 3/30: Off Day <br> Day 4/30: 8.568 micrograms <br> Day 5/30: Off Day <br> Day 6/30: Off Day <br> Day 7/30: Off Day (Sunday and I forgot to dose) <br> Day 8/30: 11.424 micrograms <br> Day 9/30: Off Day <br> Day 10/30: Off Day <br> Day 11/30: 5.7 micrograms <br> Day 12/30: Off Day <br> Day 13/30: Off Day <br> Day 14/30: 8.568 micrograms <br> Day 15/30: Off Day <br> Day 16/30: Off Day <br> Day 17/30: 14.28 micrograms <br> Day 18/30: Off Day <br> Day 19/30: Off Day <br> Day 20/30: Off Day <br> Day 21/30: Off Day <br> Day 22/30: 12.852 micrograms <br> Day 23/30: Off Day <br> Day 24/30: Off Day <br> Day 25/30: 12.852 micrograms <br> Day 26/30: Off Day <br> Day 27/30: Off Day <br> Day 28/30: 12.852 micrograms <br> Day 29/30: Off Day <br> Day 30/30: Off Day <br> <br> <br> <b>Timeline | Duration Details</b> <br> <br> While the onset, duration, and intensity varied depending on dosage, what I had eaten that day, my mood, and a myriad of other factors, I constructed the summary below to describe when I felt certain types of effects on an “average” day. <br> <br> T + 00:00 <br> Pretty straightforward – this is when the dose was swallowed. <br> <br> T + 00:15 – T + 00:40 <br> During this timespan I typically felt the first alerts of the substance. Generally this presented as a light bristling or tingling sensation on the inside of my scalp. Often this physical hint was accompanied by a light influx of mental energy and a minor, but noticeable increase in color saturation. I typically didn’t find any increased mental abilities in the realms of focus or creativity at this point. <br> <br> T + 01:00 – T +03:00 <br> This is when the LSD would really settle in and present the most pleasant and productive effects. I found that with these mini-doses I didn’t distinguish significant differences throughout this timeframe. Until the peak was reached, this stretch of the experiences typically felt the same. The same was good; mathematical and data related knots untied themselves like a properly rolled ball of yarn, rather than the tangled mess they might have appeared as if I was sober. Roadblocks several steps ahead of my current progress on work tasks presented themselves more clearly and sooner than normal, allowing swifter and more elegant solutions to complex data analysis challenges. I generally sat up a little more straight, was always on the verge of cracking a smile, and was excited, rather than dreadful, when work related email or message alerts blinked on my screen. <br> <br> T + 03:00 – T + 04:30 <br> Challenges sometimes arose during this section of the experience timeline; when the LSD was at peak intensity. On several occasions I experienced light anxiety here. Concern would fester if I received surprise requests for my attendance to a meeting. I felt the swelling effects and worried they would continue to progress to an uncontrollable trip. Despite knowing this would not happen, given my controlled and rationalized dosages, I was always glad when I passed through this phase of the experience and could detect the beginning of the decline. <br> <br> T + 04:00 – T + 06:00 <br> As the intensity started to descend I felt relief. The worry of overdoing my dosage, however irrational, disappeared and led me back into a state expanded creativity, imagination, and resourcefulness. Similar to the come-up, I didn’t differentiate between the beginning of the comedown and its midsection. <br> <br> T + 05:00 – T + 07:00 <br> This is the real beginning of the end. Positive effects dwindle considerably at the beginning of this time range and towards the end I usually would struggle to discern off-baseline from sobriety. <br> <br> T + 07:00 + ... <br> At this point I’m usually beginning to become tired. The energy of the LSD is all but gone and if I have a lot of work left to do, I might be tempted to have a cup of coffee or at least take a brisk walk to try and ignite a second wind. On the Shulgin Rating Scale I’d be dwindling below a ± for sure. <br> <br> <b>Expectations | Hopes | Concerns Going In</b> <br> <br> I was hoping to break up some of the monotony and mitigate the short temperedness that I’ve been experiencing at work lately. I thought I might benefit from some additional energy as well. There are a lot of accounts that credit micro-dosing for increased creativity. This wasn’t something I was expecting to occur for myself. The only concerns I had were centered around the potential of being too intoxicated; too confused and mentally scattered during the workday to comfortably function. <br> <br> MORE? <br> <b>Favorite Aspects</b> <br> <br> Hands down, the positivity, which became an obvious trend early on in the mini-dosing trials, was the front runner among the reasons why I enjoyed using LSD during work. Amidst my experimentation, I didn’t find that the LSD amplified my natural emotions as it seems to do during more recreational excursions. To clarify this; the LSD in these mini doses was not just a mood magnifying glass. On larger doses, I’ve found that LSD would sometimes make a good mood great but also a bad mood calamitous. Thankfully these relatively small doses, for the month I documented, only pushed me in a positive direction. Decent days rose-up into markedly enjoyable days. On the flip side, frustrating coworkers suddenly didn’t seem so frustrating. The LSD pushed me to not only be more patient in these scenarios, but to sometimes even find humor within the ludicrous high-pressure environments that can exist in corporate finance. My sober self can spiral in these types of situations; getting more and more upset over increasingly smaller items of frustration. This is one of my least favorite things about how my personality interacts with my work. Having the LSD combat my natural negative reactions on these days was wonderful. I tried to take mental photographs of these moments, write some things down; in the hopes of bringing this ability back into my sober days. I never had much luck with these integration attempts. <br> <br> During the month of LSD dosing, I found myself, far more often than usual, stopping to admire a small beauty of everyday life. Dust particles dancing in a beam of sunlight, the crispness of the air when I took my dogs outside for a walk; things that are easily glanced over, but when paid attention to, are really quite beautiful. Even a quick glance out the window from my desk often rendered a sense of appreciation and wonder at the natural charming elegance of the world. <br> <br> It should certainly be noted that the “rose tinted glasses” effects were not silver bullet solutions that made work perfectly smooth and everything easy. They merely increased appreciation and slowed me down a bit. By no means did the LSD cut away stress completely. A challenging day at the office would crush the quiet moments of admiration like a steel-toed boot stomping down upon the rose lenses spectacles. <br> <br> <b>Least Favorite Aspects</b> <br> <br> I don’t have many direct complaints about the LSD’s effects during these mini-dosed days. <br> <br> The comedown sometimes left me feeling a little bummed out from the fact that I seemed to use up all my increased abilities on work. During the day I’d think about productive projects and hobbies, but by the time work ended, I’d be drained of energy. A non-dosed baseline for me can sometimes feel tired and exhausted from the days mental exertion, but this is a special sort of weary. My physical brain itself felt tired and worn out, like the synapses and pathways have been working too hard. I rarely had a strong second wind on the LSD dose days during which I could be productive late into the night. <br> <br> Similarly, on workdays that ran long, past ten or twelve hours, my energy and motivation were completely tapped out by the end. This was more noticeable than if I had done the whole day sober. <br> <br> Even the small amounts of LSD seemed to negate the effects of alcohol. My typical evening beers didn’t produce as much of the familiar relaxation and buzz on days I dosed. There was no decrease in desire to drink – only a diminished enjoyment when partaking. <br> <br> <b>Neutral Aspects | Additional Commentary</b> <br> <br> Despite my familiarity with LSD, adapting to being on the substance on a regular basis at work took some getting used to. There were instances when something would come up at, like an unexpected interaction with a boss or a fire drill scenario, where I felt hindered by the LSD rather than aided. Typically this would present itself as a slight dilation of time and mild confusion, which were both unpleasant when trying to recall the details of logic and decisions made in the past relating to complex data files. Even if the negatives were momentary, it made me question if the mellow benefits were worth it. <br> <br> The visual effects were very minimal during my mini-dosing days. Occasionally I found myself admiring a shaft of sunlight sparkling with dust or some other natural beauty; pleasantly distracted. I never got to the point of breathing or patterning in my visual field. Some minor color saturation and visual noise were present during most dosages. <br> <br> <b>Appetite</b> <br> <br> My appetite was slightly suppressed on about half of my mini-dose days. Unlike with a higher dosage, this effect only lasted until shortly after the peak of the day’s intensity. I usually ate a light breakfast of fruit, yogurt, and granola within half an hour of my LSD ingestion, either before or after. I wouldn’t feel hungry again until mid afternoon which was usually T + 05:30 or later. This delayed lunch schedule wasn’t unpleasant or inconvenient. I’m susceptible to getting hangry; angry when hungry, but this never happened while on the LSD. <br> <br> <b>Biometrics</b> <br> <br> - Starting weight: 187 lbs <br> <br> - Ending weight: 185 lbs *not related <br> <br> - Heart Rate Notes: Nothing noteworthy – no slowing or hastening either on a regular basis or during any singular incident. <br> <br> - Sexual Effects: None noted. <br> <br> - Sleep Effects: I didn’t have any issues, but I never ingested later than 11 AM. No change in dream recall or subject was detected. <br> <br> <b>Mental Effects</b> <br> <br> - Creativity: Absolutely boosted, particularly during the first few hours after ingestion. Interestingly, I did not achieve these boosted problem solving abilities at the peak intensities of slightly smaller dosages. I had to reach the middle to high range of my mini-dosing and only then, during the come-up, did I unlock the ability to find unique solutions to complex problems that I think would have taken me longer to achieve without the LSD. Thinking multiple steps ahead and seeing upcoming roadblocks was regularly mentioned in my daily notes. <br> <br> - Focus: I can’t say I got a high degree of enhanced “laser-focus” during this month’s trial. There was the occasional day were I felt sucked in, so a few hours would drift by and I was immersed in my work to the point that I would was pleasantly surprised when I checked the clock. There wasn’t any days where multiple hours passed and I’d have severely incorrectly guessed the passage of time like can happen on more classic ‘recreational dosages’. <br> <br> - Social Effects: No overtly positive effects stood out in the month of micro and mini dosing I documented for this project. It is noteworthy that all of my working relationships were taking place on text and video chat formats due to COVID-19‘s disruptions to office workplaces. <br> <br> There were a few instances where I felt confused, overwhelmed, and nervous about my intoxication. A pressure would build in my mind, an itch almost; one that couldn't be scratched. Struggling, unable to shake this unpleasant sensation would be distracting as I interacted with co-workers. It would typically become more manageable once the stressor of interacting with others was removed, but sometimes it lingered until the LSD’s effects left me completely. These feelings were accompanied by the thought that: “I can make it through, but this is making my day more difficult.”. The juice didn’t seem worth the squeeze. <br> <br> <br> <b>Moo Effects</b> <br> <br> I chose to divide this section into portions of time because after reviewing my notes at the end of the month, the most distinct patterns of mood changes were correlated to specific timelines. The comments below held true for nearly all of the LSD dosage days. <br> <br> - Mid Experience: Overall, a sheen of positivity; an elevated mood, was present from the onset onwards through the majority of the experience. I felt more excited about taking on tasks and interacting with difficult coworkers. Every day seemed more like opportunities than a dreary to-do list. <br> <br> - Come-Down: Towards the end of the work day, as the effects disappeared, I was almost always completely drained. <br> <br> I was more tired than I would have been if I’d gone through the day sober. This exhaustion was physical and mental. My “normal” evenings are often productive. I write, play pool, do chores, or any number of things that need to get done. On the LSD mini-dose days, I found that I watched more Netflix, lounged around, and procrastinated far more often. <br> <br> - Next Day(s): I didn’t find much difference in my mood on “off days” at the beginning of the month and the end of the month. There wasn’t any cumulative effects, positive or negative, from the regiment. I sometimes, about 30% my notes informed, I experienced a light afterglow the morning after my dosages. This was a sense of relaxation; a calmness. Stress took longer to set in than an average sober day. After a few hours, at the most, this sensation dissipated entirely. Interestingly, this glow returned on the morning of the second “off day” about 10% of the time. Besides these “waking up on the right side of the bed” type feelings, I didn’t note any other significant “day after” effects. <br> <br> <b>Physical Effects</b> <br> <br> The only common thread about the month spent on LSD that falls into the purview of “physical effects” was a constant thread in my commentary of catching a chill. My toes and fingers already suffer from poor circulation, this was exacerbated by the small dosages of LSD. A slightly heavier set of wool socks and a thicker chamois shirt on dose days were usually enough to eradicate the chills. <br> <br> <b>Combinations</b> <br> <br> Please keep in mind the below commentary is limited to the handful of interactions between my micro and mini doses of LSD. Most of the secondary substances were taken at least halfway through the experience of the primary substance, LSD. <br> <br> - Cannabis: I combined cannabis, typically through an oil pen vaporizer, in almost every stage of the LSD experiences at one point or another throughout the month. These cannabis dosages were always of a light variety; 2-5 medium sized hits at a time. The addition of cannabis exponentiated all the LSD’s effects. Whatever I was feeling was expended upon; good moods became an exhilarating rush, a creeping concern swelled into legitimate paranoia. Adding cannabis was a roll of the dice, but one I could usually control the outcome of by avoiding cannabis if I felt even the tiniest bit nervous or on edge. <br> <br> - Alcohol: I did not enjoy this combination. I was not able to enjoy the sedating buzz of alcohol as much as I normally would. I could consume more booze than normal and feel the effects far less. Other than this, no notable synergies were found. <br> <br> - Ketamine: On a few occasions I used ketamine and/or esketamine in the evenings of the mini-dose days. I didn’t find any potentiation or interaction between the LSD and the ketamine. Essentially, it was not a “combination” when I did this; there was no difference compared to if I had done the ketamine entirely on its own. <br> <br> - MDMA: Twice in this month I ingested MDMA. One instance was a light dosage in the morning to accompany the LSD and the other was a medium dosage taken for recreational purposes on a Friday evening of an “on day”. The smaller combination was 45 milligrams, which I insufflated just after swallowing the days LSD. This intensified the LSD’s effects, particularly and not surprisingly, in the aspects of motivation and energy. The mental effects of the LSD, specifically confusion, were softened or pushed to the background by the positivity from the stimulant. I did not find significant desire to re-dose the MDMA or move in a more recreational direction as I might have with MDMA on its own. The larger dosage, 145 milligrams taken orally, was taken at about T + 11:00 from the LSD dose. I felt no interaction between the two substances in this instance. The MDMA experience was far stronger than the LSD and once it began, any faint reminder of the LSD was erased. <br> <br> <b>Outcome | Summary | Takeaways</b> <br> <br> I only had two instances where I felt the LSD was truly detrimental or uncomfortable. These were days that I pushed the dosage upwards slightly, hoping for a lighter workload paired with increased effects. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I only had two instances where I felt the LSD was truly detrimental or uncomfortable. These were days that I pushed the dosage upwards slightly, hoping for a lighter workload paired with increased effects.</div></div> Unfortunately, things arose, and I was forced into some fast-paced emergency tasks around the peak of the substance’s effects. This was my own self inflicted risk, gambling on the unpredictability of work. <br> <br> Looking back at the month of using LSD comprehensively, I found the material interesting, useful at times, but not the silver bullet, end all-be all, that many other people report it to be. The magical moments where I recognized that I was zooming past roadblocks, solving logical mazes as though I had a key to all the shortcuts were seriously enlightening. This is what I imagined, in a perfect world, scheduled mini-dose LSD would be like every time, all the time. <br> <br> Unfortunately, these enlightened moments were not a regular occurrence, in fact, they were far from it. Not even once per day, perhaps once every three days. While miraculous and extremely interesting as to how and why these occasional moments of clarity occurred, they were offset by a significantly larger quantity of times where I felt either very little effects or noteworthy negative effects. For me personally, this month was novel, useful, but not something I’m interested in making a part of my long term routine. Since the month ended, I mini-dosed on a handful of occasions, but usually these have been weekends; days when I wanted some extra pep in my step, and didn’t have any chance of being pulled into unexpected stressful situations. Having control over the setting of the experience seemed to alleviate many of the negatives I experienced with these small doses of LSD. Unfortunately this simply is not possible for me and my work situation, leaving LSD as a mediocre fit into my work regimen.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115532</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 5, 2021</td><td>Views: 3,932</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115532&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115532&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Workplace (51), Personal Preparation (45), Hangover / Days After (46), Performance Enhancement (50), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/coffee/">Coffee</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance">4-Fluoromethylphenidate</td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/kratom/">Kratom</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance">2-Fluoromethamphetamine</td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right"> </td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/amphetamines/">Amphetamines</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> <b>Eight Months of Regimented Substance Use</b> <br> <!-- This report is designed to act as is a summary of seven separate experience reports. Each experience could be read on its own, but I believe that tying them together as a collection is more useful as it allows a reader the opportunity to read about multiple substances, used with the same intentions, from a singular perspective. <br/> <br/> Please find below a link to each of the more detailed substance-specific reports below where I spent a month dedicated to each drug, followed by some retrospective commentary on my performance-enhancement experimentation.--> <br> This is a summary of seven separate experience reports that describe an experiment I conducted over the past twelve months. The exercise was simple in design and my basic goal was enhancing my daily performance and experience at work. <br> <br> Each experience could be read on its own, but I believe that tying them together as a collection is more useful as it allows <!-- a reader the opportunity-->one to read about multiple substances, used with the same intentions, from a singular perspective. <br> <br> <!-- Please find below a link to each of-->In the more detailed substance-specific reports, <!-- below where -->I describe how I spent a month dedicated to each drug<!-- , followed by some retrospective commentary on my performance-enhancement experimentation.-->: <br> <br> Month One: <a href="115532">LSD – Not My Silver Bullet</a> <br> Month Two: <a href="115533">Coffee – Jittery Pooping</a> <br> Month Three: <a href="115534">4F-MPH – Clear but Boring</a> <br> Month Four: <a href="115535">Kratom – Putting More Hours in the Workday</a> <br> Month Five: <a href="115536">2-FMA – Best of The Bunch</a> <br> Month Six: <a href="115537">Amphetamines (Adderall) – Sweaty, Jittery, Fun & Productive</a> <br> Month Seven: <a href="115538">Dealer’s Choice, and I’m the Dealer</a> <br> <br> <!-- To reiterate, this report is a retrospective summarization of an experiment I have conducted over the past twelve months. The exercise was simple in design and had the basic goal of enhancing my daily performance and experience at work. <br/> <br/> -->Each substance was taken on a semi-regimented dosing schedule for <!-- a time period of--> at least thirty days. These schedules began with what I considered to be effective dosages for my body and setting on each given day. I allowed myself freedom to take days off when I felt it necessary, and also to alter dosages for tolerance or <!-- desire-->just because I wanted to. <br> <br> <b>personal background:</b> <br> I consider myself to be well versed in the realm of substance use. Previous experiences include opiates, stimulants, benzodiazepines, and psychedelics spanning more than a decade. A fair amount of my substance usage history includes novel research chemicals often in less than common combinations. The purpose of my usage has ranged from <!-- entirely--> hedonistic to <!-- fully--> therapeutic. <br> <br> I have extensive experience with all of the substances involved in this saga of self tinkering. Each material was sourced through reliable and vetted vendors. Testing was done on any substances I felt it necessary or reasonable. <!-- The coffee for example, was not scientifically analyzed.--> <br> <br> In the past, I have used a variety of substances with the intent of performance enhancement. I suppose, almost every time I ingest a chemical it could be <!-- arguable-->argued that is the goal; enhanced performance laughing, studying, writing, dancing, thinking, or living. I chose the substances in this set of experience reports because I felt they covered a broad spectrum of the many pills, teas, powders, and liquids that a person might leverage to boost their enhancement on a daily basis. <br> <br> Going into each month, I ensured that I had no tolerance to the <!-- given focal-->main substance. <br> <br> Each substance’s report includes sections that discuss the best and worst of the month. I attempt to summarize the experiences while highlighting standout events and effects. All <!-- of the detailed-->the reports <!-- are structured in a similar manner, featuring-->have a full dosage chart/timeline for the month, brief introduction to my history with the substance, and the following segments: <br> <br> • Study Dosage Timeline <br> • Timeline | Duration Details <br> • Expectations | Hopes | Concerns Going In <br> • Favorite Aspects <br> • Least Favorite Aspects <br> • Neutral Aspects | Additional Commentary <br> • Appetite <br> • Biometrics <br> • Mental Effects <br> • Mood Effects <br> • Combinations <br> • Outcome | Summary | Takeaways <br> <br> The challenge of capturing a high level of detail during an experience, especially a long one, was exponentially increased by the sheer mass of daily documenting for months on end. To track trends, be efficient with my time, and attempt to capture useful information, I employed a note-taking template that encouraged and reminded me to document standardized categories of what I was feeling throughout each day. I also allowed for normal note taking and voice recordings on an ad hoc basis<!-- to contribute to my overall recording of each substance’s effects-->. Another source of information was my partner Kai. We spend nearly every day together and she was useful in her ability to comment on trends she detected in my moods and actions. <br> <br> <b>Brief Summary of Each Substance’s Month</b> <br> <!-- Below are meta level descriptions of my month on each substance. This is designed to give a rough and dirty comparison for a reader who does not desire to dig into the more detailed reports of this collection.--> <br> <b>2-FMA</b> <br> Best in class performer, and best in show performer. From prior experiences, I knew this material possessed a wonderful, controllable, stimulation. It provided extra energy that allowed increased mental processing speed and allowed me to stay focused on the task at hand; not easily distracted by random thoughts or conversations. I am typically able to eat on the substance and don’t find any nausea or digestive irregularities accompanying ingestion. Despite the light euphoria, I haven’t, in the past, found the substance to be particularly fiendy. Taking the drug regularly for multiple weeks in a row however, had me curious about whether or not the effects profile would change, and how tolerance and dependency might develop. Pleasantly, I found almost no need to adjust my dosage and didn’t really see any diminishing returns on the positive effects. <br> <br> - Dosage Data: <!-- Dosages ranged from -->13-33 milligrams taken both orally and via insufflation. I found that anything below 15 milligrams struggled to break a ± level and that if I pushed past 28 milligrams, I’d begin to venture into more recreational territory. <br> <br> - Duration Data: This substance was so smooth on the come-down that I often struggled to pin down when I arrived at true baseline. For a mid-range oral dosage, I’d throw out a range of five to nine hours from ingestion to sober. Insufflation of course shortened this significantly, perhaps nearly 50% to three to six hours in total. <br> <br> <b>Amphetamines (Adderall)</b> <br> This one played out almost exactly as I predicted. With a Goldilocks dosage, a good mood, and an interesting to-do list at work; Adderall fucking rocked. Out of all the substances, over all of the months, there were some contenders from this amphetamine month for ‘best singular day’ of work enhancement. Holistically, it wasn’t the best. Not even close. I found dosing to be finicky. Too little; I’d miss the boat on stimulation and energy, but find plenty discomfort such as cold feet and stomach discomfort. Too much; I don’t eat for a day, have cold sweats, feel tweaked out, and risk spending my whole day overcomplicating a small task or focusing on something that had nothing to do with work at all. <br> <br> I found that this substance played the role of the heavy-hitter well. If a day was stacked with uninterrupted, heads down, financial problem solving, Adderall was a great option to immerse myself in head-to-toe stimulation, cracking through one task, then another, amidst varying degrees of euphoria. If I didn’t have that much to do, I would potentially get paralyzed in paranoia and second-guessing. On a few instances I was able to re-aim the Adderall’s effects onto passion projects on these less busy days, but it wasn’t a guarantee. <br> <br> - Dosage Data: (The Adderall was meticulously dosed using pill cutters and to accurately measure dosages where fractions of the <!-- pharmaceutical--> pill were required.) Selecting a fitting dosage for Adderall was surprisingly difficult. I was easily left underwhelmed, dealing with very little benefit but a fair amount of the less desirable effects. On the flip side, too high a dose, and I’d be tweaked out, overly talkative and apt to lose myself in random strings of thoughts or other distractions. Typically I could find the sweet spot between 8-15 milligrams [orally]. I seem, compared to others, especially as I age, to become more sensitive to the amount of this drug I ingest. In earlier years, venturing into tripping digits of milligrams for a study binge didn’t seem <i>too</i> outrageous. Now however, fifty milligrams, taken orally, would most likely leave me uncomfortable and focused more one surviving through the work day than thriving through it. <br> <br> - Duration Data: With a medium oral dosage, I found that sober ingestion --> back to baseline <!-- journey--> took five to eight hours. The difference depended on diet, exercise, weather, and <!-- a number of--> other factors. Changing the ROA to insufflation would reduce the duration to something closer to 3-6 hours<!-- all said and done-->. <br> <br> <b>LSD</b> <br> Overall, this was a pretty enjoyable month. Once I established a general dosage range, this substance was pretty low risk, with medium to high rewards. Creativity and mood boosts were common effects, and pleasant ones at that. I reached potential solutions to technical problems at work that I don’t believe I would have arrived at quickly or <i>at all</i> without the LSD. It was like I could see roadblocks in my problem solving path long before I encountered them, thus allowing a smoother path to success, skipping many dead-ends. Sometimes obscure memories of something I’d read ages ago online would solve my issue – these were things that I don’t believe I would have remembered, let alone been able to apply, without the LSD. This all happened internally as well, which as a pen and paper type person, was extra remarkable. This stands out because it is not only a strong example of a substance enhancing my performance at work, but it’s maybe one of the only examples in this entire multi-substance exercise in which the substance provided me with enhancement beyond enhancement; not an increase in ability, but an entirely <i>new</i> ability. <br> <br> Another benefit that occurred often during the LSD month was that I found myself making a habit of going for walks, sprinkling a few short breaks of time away from the screen throughout the workday. These are always beneficial to my mental health, but I often neglect them. The drug was a motivator and reminder that I needed these. <br> <br> On the less enjoyable side, LSD could make my body slightly uncomfortable with annoying, uneasy, stretching, and swirling sensations in my brain. It also performed worst in terms in helping me retain focus for extended periods of time compared to the other substances. I liked the substance as a work-enhancing product, but it wasn’t a home-run and was effective, for me, in niche situations – it didn’t help every time I took it. <br> <br> - Dosage Data: I volumetrically prepared my doses by dissolving a blotter with a trusted amount of micrograms on it in a measured amount of alcohol that allowed <!-- me to back into-->for precise measurements. I found that “mini-doses” were more useful than true, imperceptible, “micro-doses”. I kept a pretty tight range between seven to thirteen micrograms taken orally and followed a schedule of taking two days off, without any LSD consumption, between my mini-dose days. <br> <br> - Duration Data: It took twenty to thirty minutes for the first alerts to arrive on most days. From the moment of ingestion to when I was back below a ± intensity level took five to seven hours depending on my dosage. I found that the intensity of effects, even at these lower dosages, followed the pyramid shaped intensity curve I’ve experience many times with this substance before. The intensity would increase in waves until the peak about halfway through the duration, after this point, the waves would correspondingly recede<!-- , mirroring their earlier growth in the opposite-->. <br> <br> <b>Coffee</b> <br> Despite being the most commonplace substance in my experiment, I was very excited going into the month of java consumption. Ironically it was one of the drugs I’d used the least and I was curious if I could grow to love and appreciate the drink as so many of my fellow coworkers and friends do. The risk reward ratio was pretty favorable. I didn’t have, as one might expect, any massively negative experiences from drinking coffee. It did as advertised; provided short term energy boosts during which I could concentrate a bit better and shake off early morning or mid afternoon sleepiness. My biggest complaint was the effect the drink had on my digestion. I do suffer from a lifelong stomach condition, which may very well have exaggerated the unpleasant effects. To be simple and direct about it; I spent more time in the bathroom than I normally would and struggled with general stomach discomfort almost every day of the month. For this reason, more than anything else, I haven’t continued coffee consumption outside of this substance experiment. <br> <br> - Dosage Data: The coffee beans were ground fresh every day before preparation using a glass pour-over style coffeemaker. I wasn’t specific in measuring the exact temperature of the water used each day. I did however weigh my beans each day and kept the following measurements consistent throughout the month: <br> <br> - 10.5 grams of coffee per mug of 300 milliliters of liquid <br> - .5 – 2.0 tablespoons of sugar per mug <br> - 25 – 75 milliliters of whole milk per mug <br> <br> Most times I started with one mug and then often continued refilling throughout the day until I wanted the effects to come to an end. This was easy to re-dose because of the mellow and short-term effects. <br> <br> - Duration Data: <br> The effects of the coffee was pretty fast, within ten minutes I could feel it begin working. Once things started I got several hours before things returned to baseline, depending on how much I drank. <br> <br> <b>4F-MPH</b> <br> This was the only substance that I kept hoping would impress me and was continually disappointed by. With its mild tease of stimulation and energy I constantly wanted the 4F-MPH to finally kick off and reach the imaginary potential I had created for it in my mind. On more than one occasion this unrealistic expectation led me down the path of replacing 4F-MPH with other substances that I knew would provide me with reliable recreational experiences. Being let down all day made it easy to convince myself to break out the collection and drink, roll, trip, or alter my mental and physical states<!-- using any variety of materials-->. I generally found this chemical bland and empty, but gentle and without any exceptionally aggravating characteristics. Very mild stimulation that could keep me awake but not much else; no motivation, focus, or creativity came from bland old 4F-MPH. <br> <br> - Dosage Data: The range of dosages consumed for this substance was very wide (5-100+). The reason for this was that I started slightly cautiously but I rapidly adjusted due to lackadaisical experiences. The lowest initial dosage I took was five milligrams and the highest was twenty-five milligrams. These were a mix of oral and insufflated<!-- routes of administration-->. The most I ingested, all via insufflation, was 148 milligrams. <br> <br> - Duration Data: Despite being very background, not having a very prominent set of ‘in you face’ effects, it was clear when the substance was active and when it wasn’t. If I took a middle of the road oral dose, I could expect to feel the material for six to ten hours. Insufflated, this same generic dose would be reduced to perhaps four to seven hours. This long duration does make the compound useful in some situations, but its generally disappointing effects limit its usefulness. <br> <br> <b>Kratom</b> <br> Kratom was successful as a performance-enhancing tool as well as fun. Besides alcohol, kratom was the substance I had used the most to achieve a feeling of intoxication at work. While amphetamines <!-- have the ability to--> offer a euphoria that I don’t normally get at the office, this is different. This is a unique blend of <!-- feeling of--> thinking “woah I’m sorta fucked up”, but seconds later realizing that I’m extremely motivated and capable of normal concentration and mental performance. The motivation from this material was unique. I’d get sucked in and often work a few extra hours beyond the end of the normal workday just because I wanted to finish solving a particular puzzle or project. The overall sensation of functional intoxication, increased functionality even, was the prime take-away of this substance. <br> <br> - Dosage Data: I’d like to experiment with stronger extracts in the future because the sheer mass of plant material I had to eat was rough on my stomach, especially on a daily basis. For this month however, I was consuming all “enhanced leaf’ products in 00 capsules. My dosages ranged from two to seven grams at a single time and my daily totals landed anywhere from two to twenty grams<!-- in a single day-->. Some key notes were that I didn’t generally feel much effects below three grams, and anything past five grams would almost always put me in the neighborhood of a ++ experience intensity. I almost always dosed multiple times per day but didn’t always follow any specific schedule for this. I’d naturally feel my energy dropping and throw back a few more capsules and play things by ear. If I wanted to really ramp up the intensity of the effects after the work day, for an enjoyable or productive evening, I typically had to at least double my initial dosage of the day. <br> <br> - Duration Data: Given the almost constant re-dosing of kratom, duration is a difficult characteristic to nail down. <!-- I found myself often landing in similar initial dosage zones, and then also common re-dose amounts and timelines. To provide some semblance of reference; an-->An initial oral dosage of several grams would typically provide me with a sober-to-sober duration of around four to six hours. <br> <br> <b>Anything Goes</b> <br> This was a month <!-- in which I had total control over what substances I took, when I took them, how much I ingested, and what route of administration I elected to take them through. --> I allowed myself to take any drug or combination of drugs that I thought would best suit me and my to-do list for the day. <br> <br> The most common complaint throughout all of the ‘single substance months’ was that there were often days or situations where the substance I was on and the situation I was in were not a good match. The solution to this was, of course, to take off the handcuffs, and <!-- put my daily drug experience back in my own hands entirely and--> pick and choose as I liked. <br> <br> At the end of the month, it was clear that I generally preferred stimulants out of all my options for work enhancement. It was notable however, that by far<!-- and away-->, my most pleasant and productive days were a result of multiple carefully crafted combinations and re-doses. Learning to dose a multitude of stimulants by feel, rather than a pre-determined plan, was quite fun. <br> <br> - Dosage Data: I pushed my dosages more in this month than most of the others. On more than one occasion I got a hankering for a truly euphoric experience and transitioned from a more ‘productive level dosage’ to something clearly geared towards a good time [Ex. T + 00:00 20 mg 2-FMA orally, T + 04:00 10 mg Adderall insufflated, T + 06:45 125 mg MDMA insufflated]. As mentioned above, I really enjoyed taking smaller amounts of multiple chemicals in cocktails designed to play off one another, allowing myself to maximize the benefits of each substance and minimize the less desirable traits<!-- of each material involved-->. <br> <br> Given the large variety of substances taken in this month, it is difficult to summarize dosages. Of course, complete detail is available in the full report. <br> <br> - Duration Data: I had some long days this month. Tinkering with re-dosing of multiple substances, regardless of their genre, generally leads to more time spent under an influence. For a solid portion of this month I was leaving baseline by no later than 08:00 AM and often didn’t even reach baseline before sleep which was induced with a combination of alcohol, zolpidem, cannabis edibles, and/or benzos. <br> <br> Again, given the wide assortment of this month’s chemical consumption, a quick briefing on duration is pretty difficult<!-- ; full information is available in the complete report-->. <br> <br> <b>Additional Commentary:</b> <br> I think pretty much everything that needs to be said has been said already. I spent seven months, taking various dosages of drugs, each for a month at a time, to study their unique abilities to enhance my performance at work. As a grand finale I used what I had learned, along with previous knowledge and experiences to try my hand at having the ultimate productive and enjoyable month. <br> <br> The above descriptions of my time spent with each substance are concise by design, intended to inform a reader not interested in spending the time and effort involved in reading the far more detailed complete reports, which are linked above in the introduction. <br> <br> In the end, I learned a lot, had some good days, great days, mediocre days, and unpleasant days. My biggest take-away was something that has been ingrained in me for a long time, but was good to reaffirm: set and setting are <i>everything</i>. It makes total sense that matching a drug’s effects to the scenario I'm in <!-- of the user -->is important and crucial to a successful and fulfilling experience. This fact was made incredibly clear when the effects I experienced were ill-matched to the social scenario or work tasks that I found myself involved in. This happened far more frequently than I would have liked despite the great amount of effort put forth in the name of responsible and accurate dosing during my “mandated” substance consumption.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020-2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115531</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 5, 2021</td><td>Views: 8,550</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115531&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115531&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Coffee (173), 4-Fluoromethylphenidate (728), Kratom (203), 2-Fluoromethamphetamine (668), Amphetamines (6) : Not Applicable (38), Performance Enhancement (50), Retrospective / Summary (11)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 10:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  repeated</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> A few days ago, I had my first solo trip. I am a 20-year-old male in college, and I have had 3 previous trips in a group. It is nearing the end of the school semester, so I had some free time and wanted to trip before returning home for winter break. I live in the campus dorms, not an apartment or house, so originally the plan was to take a light dose (1/2 to 3/4 of a tab) with a friend here for his first trip; however, he was not in the right headspace leading up to the target date and didn’t want to join anymore, so I decided I would instead trip on my own. <br> <br> T-12:00: <br> The night before the trip, I made sure my setting was as ideal as possible. I vacuumed and dusted, shaved, and trimmed my fingernails. I bought myself some fruit snacks and a scone to have for breakfast. The following day was supposed to be moderately chilly, and I assumed I would want to go for a walk at some point, so I packed a bag with a hat, gloves, dry socks, a blanket, and some water. I told my roommate and a few trusted friends that I was intending to drop the following morning just so they were aware, and I tried to keep my mind calm despite my enormous excitement for the coming day. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I told my roommate and a few trusted friends that I was intending to drop the following morning just so they were aware, and I tried to keep my mind calm despite my enormous excitement for the coming day.</div></div> Finally, I measured out my dose - a single tab of tested, average-strength acid - and got to bed early so I would not be tired in the morning. <br> <br> T-0:30: <br> The morning of my trip was accompanied by a moderate level of anxiety that hadn’t been there in the previous days. Many people on the floor who knew me did not know that I was going to be tripping, and I was acutely aware that they could negatively impact my trip if I did not sufficiently avoid them. I also worried about the worst-case scenario of being discovered as intoxicated by an authority figure and facing repercussions because of it. However, I felt safe within my room and was not going to have any other drugs on my person throughout the day, so I was able to push past the anxiety and convince myself that I was indeed ready to trip alone. I used the bathroom, got some water, ate breakfast, and spent 15 minutes preparing myself mentally for the rest of the day. <br> <br> T+0:00: <br> At approximately 9:45 AM, I placed the single tab of tasteless acid under my tongue and let it sit there for 15 minutes before swallowing it. I watched a YouTube video, then started playing Rocket League while waiting for the effects to kick in. <br> <br> T+0:45: <br> At this point the trip was just beginning to start. The only visuals I saw so far were more defined edges around objects around the room and around each hair on my arm, as well as an extraordinary brightness throughout the room as indirect sunlight shone through a window. Mentally, I felt as if I had just smoked a small amount of cannabis: I felt high, happy, and simultaneously relaxed and energized. I told myself I would wait for the tab to completely kick in before going on a walk, so I put on some music and continued to play Rocket League. My response time had begun to deteriorate, so I was playing against bots rather than online. I was still not playing very well, but I was having a blast nonetheless and my mind began to wander. <br> <br> T+1:00: <br> As the trip continued and I had more time to sit with my thoughts. I was overcome with a new sense of love and gratitude for everything: the music which had become utterly incredible to listen to; my past self, who had put in the effort to enable this experience; my future self, who I felt a stronger sense of custodial duty and optimism towards; my new friends who I had met in college; my old friends who I met in high school and missed dearly; my oldest friends, who I have known since third grade and still hang out with when I get the opportunity. I paused here. I hadn’t seen these two friends for nearly a month at this point, as we all go to different colleges about an hour or two’s drive apart; I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I thought of them and how much I missed being with them. But I knew I would see them and the rest of my high school friends when winter break started in a few weeks, so I was able to calm myself down and resist the need to break down into tears in front of my roommate, who was still in the room at this time. <br> <br> Around this time I also went to use the bathroom, which was quite the experience. I have a social anxiety condition called paruresis (aka shy bladder syndrome) which makes it difficult for me to urinate in public; I could feel my stool moving within me as I passed it, which I never noticed before; the light from the frosted glass window shone so bright I felt the need to squint; the speckled concrete floor beneath me began to move and contrast in the bulbous shape of a sprawling slime mold; and all the while I was still thinking about my friends and how much I missed them. Somehow I was able to juggle all of this and emerge from the bathroom victorious. <br> <br> T+1:15: <br> After using the bathroom, I continued gaming at my computer and the trip continued to intensify. The hip-hop music I was listening to was saccharine, so much more beautiful and full of emotion and passion than I had experienced it before; if I closed my eyes I would have been consumed by the music entirely. My visual acuity increased to the point where I could see each pixel on my monitor, rather than the coherent shapes they were meant to represent. Other effects became more pronounced, such as the incredible feeling of a towel as I dried off my hands or the flowing nature of my desk’s wood grain; the wood appeared flat with a boiling texture, almost like a rheoscopic fluid being stirred up (look up a demo video online if you’re curious). Not much else of note happened here, I just sat and enjoyed the headspace. <br> <br> T+2:30: <br> After another hour of just sitting around I grew restless. At this point I felt I had about peaked, so I was ready to go take a walk around campus. I grabbed my bag, but on my winter jacket and boots, told my roommate where I was going, and snuck outside through a side entrance so as not to have to interact with people I knew from my floor (there is a common area near the main floor stairwell and elevators where people like to congregate). I didn’t see anyone I knew on my way out, and by the time I made it outside I was home free. The air was dry and gusty, but a comfortable temperature for walking in just a sweatshirt once I got warmed up. I set out on my walk to a park about a mile and a half away which I had never been to but was near where my apartment for next year is. <br> <br> T+3:15: <br> Soon the air was simultaneously too cold for my feet to be warm and too warm for my sweatshirt to be comfortable, the wind would gust into my face and blow my hair everywhere, and the sidewalks were often slick from freezing rain the night before. Nevertheless, I felt it was gorgeous outside and was happy to not be in my room. As I neared the park I became more tired, ready to find a bench to sit at and enjoy nature for a little while. Unfortunately, though, I neglected to keep my GPS running and ended up walking to the back side of the park where there is no entrance. I trekked about 45 minutes from my dorm through residential neighborhoods before finally giving up on the park and making my way back to my room. My back and legs were starting to hurt, and I didn’t feel like adding a mile to my walk to see the park proper. <br> <br> T+4:00: <br> An hour and a half after leaving for my walk, I finally arrived back at my dorm. I sat on a bench outside at the lake’s edge (my building is about 300 feet from the water) to catch my breath. An older English man came down past me, tailed by two springer spaniels. One of the dogs came up to me and sniffed me, and the man told me that he (the dog) was blind. I said hello to the dog and told the man to have a nice day as he called the dogs to another section of the waterfront. I got up and started towards my building, having cooled off and not wanting to interact with any more strangers. <br> <br> As I was walking, though, I thought to myself: “wait a minute, why am I avoiding strangers, anyways? I just had a normal enough interaction with that man where I don’t think he knew anything was off about me. But even if he did know, so what? Why should I deny my authentic self to others?” This thought was a kind of ego loss that I was not expecting; my sense of self was fully intact, but my sense of caring how others perceived me largely evaporated <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">my sense of self was fully intact, but my sense of caring how others perceived me largely evaporated</div></div>. Rather than reenter the building through the side entrance I had used to exit, I went in the main entrance, waving to the floormates I saw as if nothing was going on. For the rest of the night, I felt liberated from feeling the need to act a certain way to please others. I had someone talk my ear off about the music that they were passionate about but I didn’t ask or care about, and where I normally would have listened to them to be polite, I completely ignored the person and didn’t even acknowledge that they were talking to me. Maybe that makes me a dick, but in that moment I felt no need to give them the time of day when I was disinterested in what they were saying. <br> <br> I returned to my room to rest a little after my walk, and I made myself some hot chocolate and ate some snack food since I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. I went and used the bathroom again, and I was once again caught thinking about my old friends. Quietly crying to myself in the stall, I sent them a text to say that I cared for and missed them both. I finished up with that, dried my eyes, and returned to my room. <br> <br> T+5:00: <br> After resting from my walk for a little while, I got in the shower to clean off. Everything others have said about getting lost in the shower on acid is true; I was staring at the water drops forming on and dripping down the shower wall, feeling the warm water cascading down my body, for about 20 minutes. I also feel like a hot shower after a day out in the cold is the best feeling ever, so needless to say I was thoroughly enjoying my shower. Eventually I got out, dried off, and got dressed. <br> <br> T+5:30: <br> By this point I had cleaned up and the effects of the acid had substantially diminished. The visual effects were reduced, the sunlight no longer threatened to burn my retinas with its brightness, and I was left with a part of the acid headspace and a mild headache. I took some Advil and, not wanting to sit alone and play games anymore, went out to the common area on the floor to talk with people. Eventually most of the people there dissipated, so I went back to my room and watched some TV. <br> <br> T+8:30: <br> Eventually I went and got some chicken wings for dinner. My roommate went out to his girlfriend’s place for the night, so I had the room to myself. I spent the rest of the night talking with friends on Discord and blowing cannabis dabs out the window, until finally I passed out at around 1:30 in the morning. <br> <br> I don’t think there is any way to know whether or not one is ready for a solo trip. I knew there were risks associated with solo tripping on my fourth trip ever, as well as with being out in public near my peak. However, I feel this experience was almost entirely positive for me because of my set and setting. Never did I regret having no trip sitter present, nor did I feel like I was out of control of my situation. I am grateful to have been able to have this experience, and I can see myself working my way up to higher doses in the coming months and years.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115993</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Jan 18, 2022</td><td>Views: 4,938</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115993&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115993&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Personal Preparation (45), General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This story starts in my bedroom, a fairly cold, damp and small space. It wasn't the best room, but it was mine and I loved it. At the time I had been having a hard couple of weeks with my mental health, suffering from some fairly severe anxiety and stress issues. I have suffered with anxiety all of my grown life, but it gets more severe during times of high stress. At the time work was very stressful. In addition, my country was under strict social restrictions due to the COVID-19 pandemic. All these factors combined make for a very bad situation to be taking psychedelics, but at the time I underestimated the power of LSD and did not respect it as I should have. <br> <br> I decided in the morning to take some of the LSD I had bought online a few months ago, after a particularly difficult night. This was motivated by past positive experiences I have had with psychedelics (mostly psilocybin), which had really changed my world view and helped a lot with my longer term mental health issues. I was aiming to get some clarity on the causes for my anxieties <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was aiming to get some clarity on the causes for my anxieties</div></div>, and potentially to access some difficult truths that I was in denial about that I could use to improve my mental health. <br> <br> I took the tab (unknown strength) in the late morning, as I knew LSD lasts a long time and I wanted it to be done at a reasonable time for sleeping. I stuck it on my tongue and let it sit for a while, then chewed it up and swallowed. At the time I didn't think much of it, I just watched some miscellaneous videos on my computer. <br> <br> +1h00 I was starting to feel the effects. I felt a bit "wobbly" and strange, and the music I was listening to at the time started to really feel very intense and almost take over my mind. At this point I would describe the feeling as fairly positive. I put on some of my favourite music on my phone and went to lie down on my bed and listen to it. I was still alone in my room. I lived in a shared household at the time, and my plan was largely to keep to myself - I hadn't informed anyone else I was going to be tripping. <br> <br> +3h00 I had been listening to the music for a long time, and had been really entranced by it. I was experiencing intense visuals which were very geometrical and consisted of thousands of infinitely tessellating fractals. It was really very beautiful but also incredibly intense. At this point I felt inspired to go and create some art, so I got out my sketchpad and a pen and started jotting down endless geometric patterns, combined with many many human eyes. I was just allowing my brain to take the wheel with the drawing, almost moving the pen on autopilot slowly. At some point I went to the toilet as I had been drinking a lot of water and it was making its way through me. I remember feeling a bit anxious about this as I didn't want my housemates to notice my state, and the bathroom felt very creepy to be in. I think I was stuck in the bathroom for about 15 minutes as I was struggling to function properly. I continued with the drawing for around half an hour and then headed back to bed to listen to some relaxing music as I felt a little overwhelmed. <br> <br> +4h00 I don't remember much of what happened between the drawing and now, but I remember this very vividly. I sat on the corner of my bed, and suddenly out of nowhere I just "knew" that I was dead. I was suddenly, 100%, unequivocally convinced that I had died in my bed and I was now experiencing some sort of afterlife. At this point I was still experiencing strong visuals but they were almost in the background of my mind as a feeling of sheer panic set in. My perception of time slowed down to a sheer standstill and I was completely overwhelmed by anxiety. I was shaking and sweating. I looked at myself in the mirror in my room, and it felt like I was looking at someone else. I kind of knew logically that it was me, but it didn't feel like me - it's hard to explain. I felt completely dissociated from my body, and my physical form felt more like a curiosity. At this point I was completely and utterly out of my depth. <br> <br> +4h15 From now on I was just in a state of complete living nightmare. I went and sat in a spot in my room where the heating unit was, leaning against it and covering myself in a blanket. The physically sensation of heat was giving me a very faint kind of grounding, but I still was 100% convinced that I was not alive and that this was me forever now. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The physically sensation of heat was giving me a very faint kind of grounding, but I still was 100% convinced that I was not alive and that this was me forever now.</div></div> <br> <br> +5h30 At this point I had just been sitting against the heater for around 1h (these times are vague estimates as my perception of time was very warped, everything was incredibly slow). I was trying to calm myself down by watching random calming videos on YouTube and eating some snacks. However I was still in a state of complete fear and panic. I cannot even describe this feeling, it is completely incomparable to any level of fear I have ever experienced in my life. I did not fear death, I feared the infinity of potential suffering that could exist. I feared the feeling of experiencing this fear for an eternity, and being unable to ever escape it - I could not even kill myself to end it, as I was already dead. My poor brain had just completely melted into a soup of one pure, raw emotion - fear. My vision was completely tunneled, I was shaking and my legs were spasming. I would imagine my heart rate was high at this point but I did not check. I periodically checked myself in the mirror to check if my pupils were dilated and almost try convince myself that I was high, but I still could not shake the absolute certainty of the feeling that I was dead. In fact, at this point I had the feeling that I had died 1000 times over, and I'm not even sure what that means or where that came from. <br> <br> +9h00 At this point I had been stuck in a cycle of lying in bed, leaning against my heater, and occasionally using my computer to access some relaxing/nature based videos to try and soothe myself. I was urinating very frequently as I had been drinking a very high amount of water as I for some reason felt like it would help me. In hindsight, I may have given myself some mild form of hyponatremia which would have only added to my negative experience. Every time I went to the toilet I was terrified, I found the room so so scary as it was very dark and dingy, and also it did not feel private from my housemates. I had severe anxiety about my housemates finding out about everything when they came into my room and found my body. I think this situation of being alone and feeling worried about others finding out about the trip was a major cause of all the anxiety I experienced during this trip. <br> <br> The visuals were largely over at this point, with just some residual minor disturbances to my vision. This however did not give me any mental relief. I still felt like I was dead and I had been sent to hell. This hell for me was experiencing this feeling of completely overwhelming anxiety forever. The anxiety fed anxiety about being anxious, and formed a vicious cycle that I did not have the mental fortitude to break. <br> <br> +18h Not much changed over the 9hours from the last paragraph. I felt completely overwhelmed by fear and was stuck in a constant loop of the bathroom, my bed, the heater, and trying to sooth myself with various online resources. At this point I had not had any human contact in around 24hours or more and I felt completely insane. I did not feel like this experience would ever end. I researched the duration of LSD (I had done this beforehand too, I was at least always fairly responsible with research) and saw that I was well over the expected duration for intense effects. In hindsight, I was no longer really tripping (except for some minor after effects), but I was in fact trapped in what was at this point essentially a ~14h nonstop panic attack. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was in fact trapped in what was at this point essentially a ~14h nonstop panic attack.</div></div> I was completely exhausted but completely unable to sleep, my mind was running at 10000km/h and only focused on these things: I was dead, I was insane, I was terrified. Time was passing incredibly slowly as I was in a constant state of fight or flight. <br> <br> It was now very early morning of the next day and I needed to urinate again. This time I decided I simply could not face going into the bathroom so I grabbed a blanket and rolled it up and left the house. It was raining outside, and I walked ~2km to a park (not the nearest park at all, just one I remembered from a few years back). I had intended to sit in the park with the blanket, but when I got there I realised this made no sense. I climbed up a muddy slope into some trees in the park (nearly slipping many times as the ground was wet) and urinated in the bushes. I stood there for maybe 15 more minutes and then headed back home. It took me a while to get back home, and when I did I went straight back to my bedroom. The experience of being outside was a bit nicer as the cold rain was a bit grounding, but at this point I felt so completely disconnected from my body that I felt like I was playing a 3rd person video game. When back in my room, I started to get more worried about how I was feeling and started to think about options. <br> <br> +20h At this point I felt like I had three options: <br> 1) Jump out of my bedroom window and see what happened. It was high enough to kill me, but I was convinced I was already dead, so I wasn't sure what would happen. <br> 2) Go outside and call and ambulance. This was terrifying to me though as I was worried that if I was alive they would strap me down in a mental asylum and I would be trapped in this state of mind forever as I would never have the opportunity to end my life, which was far preferable to feeling like this until I died of old age. <br> 3) Ask my friends or parents for help. <br> <br> I knew at this point that I was not in a mental place or strong enough to do anything on my own. I had some points where I felt a little more connected with reality, and some less. Pervasive throughout this whole experience was the continuing pure terror. <br> <br> +20h30 I decided that I did not want to jump out of my window as something very primal inside me (I guess my survival instinct) was against this, even though it felt logical at the time to do it. I then decided to throw out all of my illegal substances and go outside and call an ambulance. However when I got outside to call the ambulance, the fear of being imprisoned in an insane asylum forever was too overwhelming and after thinking about it for around half an hour I returned to my bedroom. <br> <br> +21h30 At this point after thinking some more I decided that I had to speak to my housemate. I went out and found him and explained what was happening to him. At the time I had a very strong feeling that he did not really exist, and was just a figment of my imagination, but I figured there was no harm in speaking to him. He was helpful and comforted me but did not really know how to handle the situation. We watched some stuff on TV but I had trouble concentrating due to my mind being consumed by anxiety. I repeatedly asked my housemate to reassure me that he was real, and he did (and reassured me I would be fine), but I still assumed that this is just what the version of him that existed in my own personal hell would say to trick me. I was feeling slightly more relaxed having had some human contact, but still a solid 9/10 on the scale of fear. <br> <br> +24h After sitting my with housemate for a few hours I realised that this was not going to cut it. He tried to convince me to go to hospital, but I was strongly against it due to the aforementioned fears. I instead opted to call my parents, however I had to get him to explain what happened on the phone as I was sobbing too much and felt completely paralyzed and unable to speak. My parents were very concerned and agreed to come and get me and take me home with them. <br> <br> +28h At this point I had survived the journey home with my parents, who were mostly just worried about me at this point. I was finally starting to calm down as I was able to notice more that my trip was coming to an end and that as the anxiety started to fade I started to feel more normal. I eventually finally managed to sleep for a bit. <br> <br> I will end the time based prompts here and talk a bit more about the aftermath. For a few days after this experience, I struggled getting to sleep at all. Any slight thought about the nature of reality would trigger these feelings of me being dead and everything being not real and part of my personal hell again. I felt very dissociated from my body for this period. I had little appetite, and did not have that many bodily sensations in general. These were I guess just the aftermath of the extremely long panic attacks and traumatic experience. Over the course of the next few days, the recurrent panic attacks became less frequent and severe. At first I had to sleep in the same bed as someone else, but after around 3 days I started being able to sleep alone. <br> <br> For the first week or so afterwards I had to have someone in the same building as me at all times or I would immediately have a panic attack (for the first 3-4 days they had to be in the same room). Over the course of the next few weeks I built up confidence being alone in a room and/or building for longer periods of time, until I could spend large portions of the day alone. I went to the doctor's and was prescribed medication to help me sleep and help with anxiety. I also started therapy after a couple of weeks. <br> <br> The trauma of the experience caused me to develop some agoraphobia. As previously mentioned, this started off being a matter of being unable to be alone in any capacity. After a few weeks, it was more just a case of struggling to go outside. After a month I was able to go outside on my own for some period of time, but still struggled with public and busy places. Over the course of the next few months I gained confidence with being able to live more independently. <br> <br> Over the course of the next year, I gradually conquered the agoraphobia and panic attacks. After around 6 months I was capable of living independently and was able to move out. I still had a few lapses where I had to travel back to my parents for a few weeks, but these became less frequent and severe until they stopped occurring about a year after the initial experience. <br> <br> To this day I still suffer with a very mild form of agoraphobia to do with being in places which are very far away from home, or civilisation, but I am confident I will conquer this too with time. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I am confident I will conquer this too with time.</div></div> <br> <br> This experience completely changed my life. It was traumatic and I would never wish it on anyone. I would urge everyone to respect the power of these drugs and make sure they take them only in a safe and good space, and make sure they have a plan for if the trip heads south. In hindsight I have gained some positive things from it - my capacity for handling traumatic experiences is much much higher now, and it forced me to come clean to my parents about my lifelong mental health issues and seek traditional treatment for these. <br> <br> I still have occasionally moments of panic and writing this was very difficult as it caused me to relive some of these memories. The feeling of being alive and reality "existing" gradually came back, but took a long time to be something that didn't bother me. I still have no proof that I am alive, or that anything exists - but I have the philosophy that it does not matter, as I am capable of enjoying whatever my existence may be. If I am stuck in a personal hell, it's not so bad! I have quite a lot of fun and my life is pretty enjoyable these days. For anyone who has experienced anything like this, it does get better - and please be open with those who care about you and let them help you heal. Life can be great, even if this takes a year or so from you.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116144</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Mar 9, 2022</td><td>Views: 5,953</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116144&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116144&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1½ hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">190 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> I have been dying to try LSD for as long as I could remember. I've smoked Pot for years, I've done Salvia Divinorum, and I've done Molly once. I that felt I was prepared to embark on the 'mystical journey' that I had researched on for hours on end. I had everything planned in my head. <br> <br> I decided to do it with my friend, who I’ll call G. We both met up with my MDMA connect that also dealt LSD. We bought 5 1cm-2 tabs. I was confused, since I ordered and paid for 10 tabs. He told me that these tabs needed to be cut in 2, and that they were twice as potent because they were “double dipped”. I thought it was all gimmicky bull and I carried the mindset that I had just been ripped off, but I decided to keep that to myself. I told him it was our first time, and he warned us to be careful, and to start out with 1/2 tab, and do 1 max, since it was our first time and all. “It’s better to do too little than too much”. <br> <br> +10:30pm – G, his brother, X, and I departed from their house in order to go to an empty field around 40 minutes away. X was to be our sitter if anything went wrong, even though he had strong anti drug beliefs. I took 1 whole tab out of the 5 we had and my friend took 1/2. He was determined to stay on that 1/2, for fear of a bad trip. <br> <br> +10:50pm – I noticed subtle changes in my perception. Was it all just a placebo? Colors were becoming more lush and vibrant. I started to feel a warm, tingling sensation spreading from my belly. It could have just been a sort of cramp, for I ate dinner before we left the house, and we have been walking for 20 minutes. I kept thinking that it was a placebo, but fuck it, it was a good one. <br> <br> +11:00pm – My philosophy regarding substances was that if one’s going to take a substance, one might as well go all the way. I took 2 pills of MDMA my first time and I was rapturously overjoyed that I didn’t take the recommended ½ pill for “first timers”. I thought I could handle it. The sensations that I was getting from the LSD, I thought were all just placebos, so I decided to do more. I ate 1 ½ tabs. G reacted violently. He vehemently berated me for “taking his half”. I told him that I thought he said that he was determined to only take ½. He said that he had changed his mind, and proceeded to insult me. My emotions instantly spiraled downwards. We still had 2 tabs left so I didn’t know what the big deal was. I teared up and felt depressed, which was extremely weird. G tried to console me. I still felt depressed. He took 1 tab. <br> <br> +11:20pm – As we were walking up the block to the entrance of the open field, we were within the full beam of glaring headlights from a parked car. Those lights were the brightest things I’ve seen in my life. To me they were brighter than the sun, and the lights flushed and warmed my skin despite being so far away. It also elevated my mood a little. <br> <br> +11:30pm - G and I walked to the center of the field and laid down on the grass while X wandered off to take a walk. After talking for a bit, we decided to get out our mp3 players and listen to some music. Unlike pot, which makes music have a lot more depth for me, and MDMA, which makes music infinitely more beautiful, music was extremely annoying. I got up and went to urinate behind the bushes at the edge of the field. Walking proved to be a little more challenging, but I could manage. I walked back to the center of the field, but G was already gone. He was at the opposite end of the field. I repeatedly called out to him but he ignored me. This became extremely annoying. The warm tingly feeling that had persisted within me from the onset intensified and became an emotion. This new emotion was anxiety with a tinge of fear. <br> <br> [At this point I stopped taking time] <br> <br> G, X, and I all met up near the edge of the field. G was hugging his brother, X, tightly. After a while of pointless wandering around the dark and spooky field, we decided to go back to G’s house. On the street, the LSD really started to kick in. My emotions spiraled downwards seemingly without end. I felt extreme fear, anxiety, and above all else, loneliness. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My emotions spiraled downwards seemingly without end. I felt extreme fear, anxiety, and above all else, loneliness.</div></div> I felt that I was in a foreign land, with foreign people who were hostile to me. I’ve never felt so alone and desolate in my life. I felt completely empty inside. I wanted…. I wanted… something, but I didn’t know what. For now, I just wanted to get the hell out of this hostile environment. We all walked faster towards G’s house. <br> <br> Visually the world started to swirl around me. It was very subtle, and since it was dark I couldn’t see too much. I looked at G and was petrified. His face was contorted into a horrible grimace of pain. I asked him how he felt. “I FEEL AMAZING. I FEEL WONDERFUL. I’M ON AN AWESOME TRIP” he seethed. I could tell that he was having a horrible trip. G ran over to his brother X and hugged him tightly. “Help me X, help me” he kept whimpering. <br> <br> By now everything was going by in a blur. I was extremely hot and flushed, and I was perspiring loudly. The emotions only seemed to be intensifying. The world, the ground, everything, was swirling. We kept on walking towards the house, but every single turn was a dead end. A car drove by with people laughing inside. Never have I heard something more menacing and evil. The laughs were cruel and haunting and demonic. I wanted all this to end. I’ve never felt this magnitude of desolation and fear. I didn’t even know such depths of emotional hell existed. The whole world was distorted and bent. Everything seemed two dimensional, and everything was in the most evil shades of purple that have ever existed. I checked my watch. It was 12:11. Apparently, only 10 minutes had passed. <br> <br> I was starting to lose my grip on reality. My legs were following G and X, but I didn’t know what was going on. Apparently I was saying muttering ludicrous things, for G kept telling me to shut up. He kept telling me that I was making no sense and that I was saying the stupidest things. I caught myself questioning myself if I really existed at that point. I kept questioning myself if I wasn’t already dead. I felt dead. I wanted to die. I wanted to end this torment. G’s brother, X, kept berating us about how stupid we both were and how he was so glad that he didn’t do LSD. I wanted all this to end. <br> <br> +12:40~ - To my relief (if you can call if that), we reached G’s house. We definitely couldn’t go inside in our state, and G’s parents were home and asleep. G and I went to his backyard to try and sleep it off while his brother went inside to bring us some water. I laid down on his wicker sofa and took off my shirt. The shirt made absolutely no sense. I kept wishing for it to end. X brought us some water but it did nothing. I kept wanting something with the deepest longing, but I didn’t know what. My thought processes were no longer functional. Logic, existence, race, gender, sexuality, identity. Everything made no sense and nothing existed. <br> <br> My thoughts were lost in a cataclysmic infinity that I couldn’t escape out of. My thoughts kept spiraling into themselves. They were thinking about themselves thinking about themselves thinking about themselves thinking about… It was horrible. Life became meaningless. The concept of life, with work, possessions, knowledge, made absolutely no sense. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text"> Life became meaningless. The concept of life, with work, possessions, knowledge, made absolutely no sense.</div></div> I heard G conversing with X. G was worried that he had overdosed, because he too had never felt so horrible. “Fucking H (me). Damn it before H my life was good. He ruined my life. I’m going to be like this forever. Is this ever going to end? Damn you H why did you give this to me?!” G and X proceeded to talk in this manner as if I wasn’t there. At this point I didn’t care. I was preoccupied with the fear of the menacing world that was out to get me. Acid had robbed me of the memory of happiness. Everywhere I saw spikes and pain. <br> <br> +3:30am – I checked the watch. Time… Time? Time happened? Time never happened. Apparently ~3 hours passed since we got back to G’s house. Time is absolutely meaningless. However, the flow of time is slowly returning to normal. I noticed that I could see again. My sight had been gone? I didn’t even notice. At this point however, I was sure that I was insane. My thoughts were no longer spiraling into infinity, but they were still radically altered. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, and I couldn’t retain my attention on a single thought, for all my thoughts go off on ridiculous tangents. I thought that I would remain like this forever. All of a sudden G comes out of the house (he’d gone inside?) and sits next to me in a merry mood. In turn, I became happy. We go back inside the house and have conversations about things that made absolutely no sense. I was sure that the police were coming to lock us away forever in a mental asylum, but I didn’t care, for I was comfortable, happy, and at peace. <br> <br> +7:00am – Everything had returned to normal. Surfaces were all twisting and rippling. I had minor difficulty concentrating, and I felt physically drained (probably from the lack of food and sleep). Otherwise, all was well. G and I went outside, and aside from the ripples, the world was surprisingly dull.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 86160</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 17</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Sep 7, 2022</td><td>Views: 3,149</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=86160&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=86160&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), First Times (2), Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Guides / Sitters (39), Relationships (44), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">280 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br><!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> At this time in my life, I had a trustworthy and steady supply of all the basic necessities an up and coming psychonaut would ever need. All it took was a small chunk of change and a quick phone call to my plug, and I was the proud owner of some of the most mind altering substances known to man. Obtaining the acid was easy enough, however, this time it came with a warning. My dealer told me that this was some of the strongest acid he had ever tried. He then told me that the blotters were double dosed.<!-- , however, if you know anything about buying drugs, you know that this is just something that people say, and it’s rarely the truth. --> Being somewhat experienced, or so I thought, I thanked him for his time and shrugged off his suggestion for taking a smaller dose to start off with. <br> <br> After I made the purchase I made my way over to my friend's apartment. I'll call him C for anonymity and simplicity’s sake. Once I arrived at C’s apartment, I greeted my other friend D and sat on the couch. The plan was to wait for C to get off of work so that the three of us could trip together. Other players that night included C’s sister A as well as her boyfriend B and D’s brother E, as well as E’s girlfriend J, however, D and I were the only ones at the apartment at the time. After about an hour of playing video games, E and J arrived at the apartment and informed us that C wouldn’t be getting home until late in the evening because he had to stay late at work, so D and I decided to dose early. <br> <br> We both dropped 3 blotters each under our tongues and sat back to wait for the effects to kick in. While I had tripped several times on acid prior to this, D had only done it twice at this point. The most I had ever done up until this point was 2 tabs, so I remember being slightly nervous, but overall, not extremely worried for what the night would hold for us. While the four of us were sitting in C’s room, we decided to turn on his color changing LED’s as well as some chill music to ease us into our come up. <br> <br> The first thing that I noticed was the tapestry on the wall. This tapestry was something that I never paid much attention to prior to this experience. It was an extremely vivid psychedelic artwork containing multiple tie dye colors, fractal geometric shapes, and symbols. While I was staring at the tapestry I noticed that the symbols began to breathe with the music, almost as if they were floating on the sound waves like a boat bobbing up and down in the middle of the ocean. The fractal shapes were popping out at me like I was in an IMAX theater wearing 3D glasses. <!-- This is something that you would expect to happen on LSD, however,-->The thing that bothered me at the time was that it had only been ten minutes since we dropped. <br> <br> I knew one thing at that very moment, and it was that the acid we had just taken was stronger than anything I had ever taken before. Usually, it takes around 45 minutes for the come up to start, however, this time it was happening much faster, and stronger. I repeated to myself the age old mantra that I had been told the very first time I had ever tripped, “ride the dragon man” and that's what I did. <br> <br> Everything was going fine, I was slowly getting higher, more confused, and more visuals, and that was to be expected. However, shortly after I had acclimated myself to the initial phase of the come up, our dynamic, and as a result, the atmosphere changed. E and J looked at me and D and told us that they had to leave. It had only been 30 minutes since we had dropped, E and J had an emergency, so they had to leave us behind to go take care of their situation. I instantly felt a pit in my stomach. I had been told only a few minutes prior to this that C and A would not be off of work till 10 o’clock that evening, which meant that D and I would have to be by ourselves for the next 4 hours until they got home. <br> <br> <!-- When you're tripping, stressful situations seem like they last an eternity. -->The time it took for E and J to pack their belongings and leave took around 2 minutes, however to me, it felt like an hour had passed. Then, they were gone, and it felt like it had happened instantaneously. I remember thinking to myself that time was already starting to become irrelevant and it had only been 35 minutes since we had put the blotters under our tongues. My anxiety continued to increase, even after E and J had left, meanwhile D was sitting playing on his phone, or so I thought. I found out later that he was attempting to snapchat his girlfriend at the time with little success. <br> <br> I asked D if I could change the music, since he was playing it on his phone. He obliged and handed me the phone so that I could change the song. My visuals were so intense at this point that nothing in the room looked familiar. It looked like I had just traveled through a wormhole to an alternate dimension where everything was a weird shape or color. My open eye visuals consisted of millions of spirals and buzzsaw fractals, as well as the constant morphing of everything in my vision. I quickly realized that I had no way of deciphering the alien piece of technology that I was holding and I could only press random buttons on the screen, not knowing what I was doing. <br> <br> I went through a thought loop of trying to change the song, where I would turn the phone on, attempt to unlock it even though I didn’t know the password (not that it would have mattered) and then turning it back off after becoming frustrated. This went on for several minutes until I finally gave up and accepted defeat. At this point I couldn’t even remember what I was trying to do in the first place. While the simple task did help alleviate my anxiety for a short amount of time, it all came rushing back once I found myself with nothing to do. I looked over to my friend and realized that he had been watching me frantically typing away at his phone's lock screen for several minutes, never attempting to ask him what the password was. I can only imagine what was going through his head at the time. I didn’t care though, to me he just looked like an alien, or an NPC in a video game. Nothing about him looked familiar to me, it was almost like I was looking at a new creature never before seen by the human eye. Deep down though, some part of me knew that he was still my friend even though he looked nothing like the D I once knew. <br> <br> Barely remembering how to speak English, I asked him how he was doing. Then he replied with, to this day, the most terrifying thing that anyone has ever said to me in my entire life. He replied, “This is fine.” <br> <!-- <br/> To the average sober person, this may not seem like a cause for concern, however, I did not know what was in store for me for the rest of that evening. <br/> --> <br> The next couple of hours are blurry, and I am still struggling to piece together my memory of the events that took place during this time. However, I do remember one thing. I remember my friend repeating the phrase, “this is fine” over and over again, for what seemed like an infinite amount of time. At first it was an annoyance, but then it developed into anxiety, and then a full blown panic attack. I was so high that the words held no meaning to me, however, just the sound of his voice and the utterance of that phrase were driving me to insanity. My visuals were so overwhelmingly intense that I couldn’t even see what was right in front of me. However, they were moving in sink to his voice, and his repetition of the phrase, “this is fine.” <br> <br> I attempted to escape, and fled to the living room. Somehow I remembered that TV existed and I turned on the TV in the living room to drown out the noise of my friend, however, it was short lived as he entered the living room to be near me. I think that he was just as freaked out, if not more, than I was at the time, but I could not handle what he was saying to me. I turned the volume on the TV to the max, and tried to focus on what was going on, but everything on the TV looked just as foreign and alien as the world around me. Still, through the blaring sound of the TV I could hear my friend screaming at the top of his lungs, “THIS IS FINE.” <br> <br> This went on for a few minutes, until I finally snapped and ran to the bathroom for some respite. After getting lost in my own eyes and thoughts in the mirror, I decided to take a shower. For my entire life, hot showers have always calmed me down when I’m having an anxiety attack, and the feeling of the warm water over my face helped a little bit, but I could still faintly hear my friend in the background repeating the same phrase. At this point I couldn’t understand english, so he could have been saying anything, but deep down I knew that he was still repeating the same thing over and over again. I remember looking at the falling droplets of water and being able to control and predict their paths of movement with my mind. My memory is fuzzy but I believed that I could control the temperature of the water with my mind as well, almost as if I had some slight form of telekinesis. I dried off and re-entered the living room after my shower, only to find D in the same spot I had left him. He was still repeating the same phrase, however, this time his mouth wasn’t moving. He was staring at me with cold dead eyes, and in my head I heard the phrase “this is fine” over and over still. <br> <br> This truly has to be the most existential dread I have ever experienced in my entire life. Since this experience I have had conversations with DMT jesters and aliens, met the mushroom gods on multiple occasions, however seeing my friend communicate to me with his mind while staring into my soul was truly more terrifying than anything else I have ever experienced. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I have had conversations with DMT jesters and aliens, met the mushroom gods on multiple occasions, however seeing my friend communicate to me with his mind while staring into my soul was truly more terrifying than anything else I have ever experienced.</div></div> <br> <br> I collapsed to the floor and accepted my eternal fate. In my mind, I was in hell, and this was my punishment for all the sins I had committed throughout my life. Then, with my eyes closed on the floor I began my descent into my first true ego death. The light of my life began to fade away, and was replaced by the singularity of a black hole. A fourth dimensional geometric mass moving in tandem to the rhythm of the phrase “this is fine.” I did not know the meaning, I just understood the vibrations of what was being shown to me. It looked like a truly unrecognizable shape. Something that no human could ever hope to comprehend. It moved in ways I could never describe with words, and then suddenly it vanished. After it left I was alone. I was nothing and everything at the same time. <br> <br> I understood somehow, that I was truly alone, and that everything in my life, even though I couldn’t remember what life was, was a lie. It was all a facade that I had created for myself. It was all a hallucination, and I was god. I knew at that moment that I was god, I was alone in the universe, and all of the things that had ever happened to me and everyone else, good and bad, were because of me. I experienced the most truly, utterly, terrifyingly horrible dread any human being could never hope to experience in their entire lives. An infinity of aloneness, and infinity of nothingness. There was no one else, only me. I was all and everything, and nothing at the same time. <br> <br> Then, I decided. Because I was god I decided that I did not want to be god. So then it was, and I was no longer god. Slowly, I reversed my way through the black hole, and out of the infinite geometries of the other dimension and progressed back into the reality of our universe.I made my way through our galaxy, then to our solar system, then onto planet Earth, and arrived back into the C’s apartment, writhing on the ground balling my eyes out. <br> <br> It was only then that I looked up and realized that D, A, B, and C were all standing over me looking like they had just seen a ghost. To me they looked like aliens so the feeling was mutual. My visuals were just as intense as they were before but, I was at least back on planet Earth, so I was thankful for that. I wasn’t out of the woods yet though, not by a long shot. <br> <br> C and B asked me how I was doing, but I had no idea what they were saying. It sounded to me like they were speaking another language made up of strange robotic noises. I remember barely understanding them when they had asked me if I wanted one of the trip killers that I had brought with me that evening. At the time I was prescribed Trazodone, and while I had never taken it while tripping, I knew that it would be successful in bringing me back to reality. This, unfortunately, would never come to fruition. <br> <br> I was right at the beginning of my peak, and I was in an extreme state of mental distress. When B handed me the pill, I put it in my mouth with a sip of gatorade. The first thing I remember is a tingling sensation in my mouth. In my altered state of confusion I mistook this feeling for impending death. I was under the impression at the time that the medicine that they had just given me was poison, so I spat it out and realized the truth. I was the only living being in the entire universe, all of my friends and family were just NPC’s in the giant simulation. Now that I had become self aware they were trying to kill me to reset the timeline. This is what I truly believed at the time. Instantly my fight or flight response kicked in. <br> <br> I’d like to believe that this is where the true trip really began. Not with the ego death I had experienced prior to this, but with the sense of dread in knowing that everyone in the world was coming after me with the sole intention of killing me. I looked at the faces of my friends, and I saw their evil demonic expressions, almost as if they had realized that I had found out the truth and were now no longer trying to hide it. <br> <br> I ran out of the house, pushing past everyone around me, and took off into the cold dark night wearing nothing but my basketball shorts. I was 6’3 and 280 pounds at the time, so there was no way that any of them would have been able to stop me. I ran into the parking lot screaming at the top of my lungs, but deep down I knew that my screams would fall on deaf ears. I yelled, “they’re trying to kill me!” over and over. I felt no pain from my feet even though I was running over shards of glass and sharp rocks on the ground. <br> <br> They chased me all the way across the parking lot, and I felt like I was truly in a survival horror movie. I had never run so fast in my entire life. I was tackled in the middle of the road by B, the only other man in the group of comparable size to me. He was begging me to return to the house, but I would not accept my fate so easily. I scratched and clawed at his face until he let go of me, and I began to run into the middle of oncoming traffic. The cars all looked like alien spacecraft orbiting around a galactic highway. My friends, still in my pursuit, waved down the traffic so that they would not hit me. Many people got out of their cars and asked what was going on, but I was writhing on the ground in the middle of the road. I assume many people called the police and paramedics, but I didn’t stick around long enough to find out. I did, however, find out later that my friends maintained their story to anyone that asked, that I was schizophrenic and was suffering from a severe mental outburst. <br> <br> I ran out of the road and back into the apartment complex, where I was met with A, C’s sister. I fell to the ground and assumed the meditative position that I see most buddha statues in. In my head I was the one true entity, I was god, and my powers were returning to me. I began speaking in tongues, and channeling the power that I had long forgotten so that I could evade those who were pursuing me. A approached me slowly, trying to calm me down, but as soon as she got close enough to touch me, I sprang out like a stray cat and ran in the other direction. I knew that I was the fastest being in the universe and I ran into the forest surrounding C’s apartment. <br> <br> This was the last time that any of my friends would see me for many hours. I had, at this point, grown accustomed to my visuals, and was now in acceptance of my new reality. I stumbled through the forest, having profound realizations of reality and nature. I met with myself from previous lives, and talked with the most profound scholars in history. I met with Jesus himself and he only maintained that I was Jesus in another life. I met with Shakespeare, who told me that love was the meaning to everything in existence, and then I met with Dylan Thomas, who told me not to go gentle into that good night. <br> <br> I was in an enchanted forest surrounded by dead prophets and mystics, and I begged them to stop giving me profound knowledge about the universe. I bargained with whoever was listening, that I might return to my life as a normal human being, unaware of the existentialism of ego death. I did not want this information, even though I knew that it was the ultimate truth. I knew then, there was only one way to make this terrible evening end. I saw a ledge in front of me. The forest I was in was, thankfully, surrounded by civilization, but I was still in the most precarious situation I had ever been in. <!-- The ledge in front of me was on one side, the forest that I was currently in, and on the other side, a 12 foot drop to the kohl's parking lot. (We know it’s 12 feet because we went back later to measure) --> <br> <br> A wall had been built to separate the dirt from entering the parking lot, however the wall did not go any higher than the ground level on the side of the forest. I walked towards the wall, listening to all the voices in my head telling me not to go any further, however I ignored them all and I plummeted face first into the pavement. I woke up, surrounded by a pool of crimson red liquid, and felt the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my life. I have no memory of the fall, but I do remember waking up on the pavement. It was now around midnight, so there was no one else in the parking lot. <br> <br> I writhed on the ground, and experienced what I can only describe as hell. I went through every life I have ever lived. However, the only thing I experienced was the death that I had gone through for that life. I died a billion different ways. Even though it was only a hallucination, I felt the pain of being burned alive, and crucified on a cross. I felt the pain of starving to death, and being shot in the back or stabbed. This went on for an eternity, and it felt more real than reality itself. I’m not sure how long I was on that pavement, but I remember seeing Jesus standing over me. I asked him why I was going through all of this, and he replied, “You already went through this. You’re just remembering your past lives. In order to truly appreciate the life you’re living now, you have to understand the suffering of those who came before you.” <br> <br> After he spoke to me I realized that he was me, and I was him. I was everyone, and the pain and suffering I inflicted on others was ultimately just reflected back onto myself. I then had a complete change in my mental state. I felt the pure love of all my past lives. I experienced all of the relationships I had developed with myself over the millions of years, and the pure love of the universe. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt the pure love of all my past lives. I experienced all of the relationships I had developed with myself over the millions of years, and the pure love of the universe.</div></div> I realized that in order for love to have any meaning, I would need something to compare it to. The reason for suffering is so that love holds much more value. <br> <br> I stood, and realized that I had only suffered bruises to my arms and legs as well as a broken nose where the blood was coming from. I was lucky to have survived, or at least not broken anything on my fall. I was beginning, at this point, to sober up. <!-- I walked to the Kohls because I realized how cold I was and tried to get inside. Unfortunately, or fortunately, it was closed. I layed on the concrete in front of the khols and got covered in ants, but I did not mind because in my mind I was those ants in another life, and they wouldn’t want to hurt me since they were me in another life. While laying on the ground -->I stared at the stars and I could control them with my mind. I could wave my hands in the sky and entire galaxies would flow like the ingredients in a galactic pot of soup. I was happier than I had ever been, realizing that I had created something as beautiful as the universe. I then met with complex entities that I could only describe as stereotypical gray aliens. I believe this was another hallucination, but who knows, I was sitting alone in the middle of a parking lot at midnight, so maybe I really was abducted by aliens. They brought me aboard their ship and told me they were going to fix my wounds. They told me that they had been watching me and they didn’t want me to have any permanent injuries because of this experience. I thanked them after they did their operations, and they returned me to the same parking lot where they had found me. <br> <br> After this, I stood on my feet and, somehow, I walked back to my friend's apartment complex. I found his apartment and I climbed in through the back sliding glass door. This is something that I would do on a regular basis as I basically lived with him, but I did not have a key to his apartment. I realized that all of his furniture and decorations were missing, but I didn’t think anything of it, and I went to his bathroom to take a shower. In the shower I washed the blood and dirt off of every part of my body. I felt much better than I had only a few hours prior to this, however, I was still tripping extremely hard. I played with the water droplets again, and I found that I could control them with my mind even more than I could earlier in the evening. I then fell back into another hallucination, although it felt more like a daydream. This time it was of a man and I was just a child. He would beat me and I would come to the shower to cry, and I realized it was a repressed memory from my childhood. The horrible man was my father. I had forgotten all the times he had beaten me growing up, and the experience of being in the shower had unlocked those memories. <br> <br> It was right then that the sun started to come up. I had been in the shower for god knows how long, when I remembered that cell phones existed, and I had somehow not lost mine in all the commotion the night prior. I looked and saw at least a hundred missed calls from my brother, friends, and some restricted numbers which I can only assume were the police or emergency services. I was confused why they were all calling me when I was clearly safe in my friend's apartment, when I realized that I was not in fact in his apartment, and in a random apartment that just happened to be unlocked. I freaked out and got dressed, still sopping wet because I didn’t have a towel, and ran out of the apartment. Luckily, it was an empty apartment, probably one that had a showing the next day considering the brochure sitting on the kitchen counter. <br> <br> I ran all the way back to my friend's apartment and knocked on the door. He opened and nearly cried when he saw me. My friends at the time were closer to me than my actual family, with the exclusion of my brother, so they were all extremely relieved to see me. I went inside and gave all of them hugs and apologized profusely. I was still tripping but the effects were extremely mellow compared to before. I had been tripping now for 15 hours, and I was ready to sleep so C let me change into an extra set of clothes he had, and let me sleep in his bed for the next 8 hours. <br> <br> When I woke up, my memories from the night before were extremely cloudy, but my friends filled me in on some of the details. I found out that emergency services and police were called, and they were all out looking for me for hours, however, none of my friends gave the police my real name or contact information so I was extremely thankful for that. I was debating whether or not to go to the hospital but in reality my only injuries were a broken nose, cut up feet, knees, and wrists, so I decided against it. <br> <br> When my friends asked me to recount what had happened, I truly could not. Every time I tried to tell them my words would not work and I would become extremely anxious. I had PTSD from this experience for many years after, however, in the past year I have been able to work through what I had learned, and I now view it as having a positive impact on my life.<!-- The moral of the story is this; if your dealer warns you that his acid is strong, don’t be so quick to brush off his suggestion. If I had to guess I would say the tabs were 200 ug each, so I probably consumed around 600 ug that evening. <br/> Thank you for reading! --><!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116259</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Sep 5, 2022</td><td>Views: 4,412</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116259&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116259&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Post Trip Problems (8), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.5 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> During the snowy beginnings of a long northeast winter, three friends and I ventured out to a seasonably available lake-house for a group Acid experience. Our small sheet of blotter featured Ganesha riding an improbably tiny mouse, an image almost identical to the one inked on S‘s left shoulder. <br> <br> Through the randomness of voluntary choice, the dosages panned out into a sublingual golden mean, D : 2 hits, Me : 1.5, S : 1, G : .5. While anxiously waiting for the come-up, we sat in a circle and talked the jagged pointless talk of children too nervous to converse with any conviction and too excited to focus on anything else. Soon stomachs began to express disquiet as pre-trip anxiety set in. I fretted deeply over my inability to find an appropriate music choice for this point in the evening. <br> <br> +0:40 All four of us now began to feel the first deep-seated stirrings of the experience as seldom used elements of our minds began to rev. Energy started seeping from my body and my surroundings came more sharply into focus. S calmly let us know that her shins were slowly undulating as the almost inevitable body load began to say hello. As more energy radiated from me, I felt chilled and channeled my inner Linus by grabbing a nearby blanket and wrapping tightly it around me. <br> <br> +1:00 The room’s dimensions began to shift with an oh so slight House of Mirrors effect. The ceiling tiles were beginning to resemble the end result of a massive game of Tic Tac Toe and the carpeting, Risk. My heart rate crawled skyward while steady breathing become more difficult. I started pacing intently and became more deeply absorbed with each step. The music gained intrepid depth and each instrument’s part became more and more defined. D and S were on the couch laughing hysterically at jokes I wasn’t hearing. Their laughter was contagious but I refused to let it distract me from my extremely important primary objective: continuing to pace. I lost track of G in my deep focus on putting one foot in front of the other, nimbly dodging furniture and backpacks that deigned to impede my path. <br> <br> +1:20 My restlessness intensified and I wandered upstairs with the blanket wrapped around my shoulders, a physical embodiment of the music that my ears pulled with it, trailing me like a like an ambient cloak, a cloth walkman that needed no earphones. <br> <br> Upstairs I ventured into the master bedroom and paused to consider the usual inhabitants, D’s parents, in a general, absent, lacking any definite path or conclusion sort of way. Inside, I was surprised to find something I had never noticed there before, a 4 foot long panoramic color photograph of what appeared to be the Alaskan wilderness. The photo was taken from the shore of a remote, icy lake with ethereal wisps of snow white fog floating above it and a dense coniferous forest encircling. There were massive, powerful snow-capped peaks hovering in the distance. As I stared at the raw, unspoiled scene, the image began to shift and change. The brightness of the landscape shifted from darker to lighter and the color of the sky vacillated between light and dark blue, going from dawn to dusk and back to dawn again, completely skipping the blackness of night. Then the fog began to roll in and out, billowing in to completely white out the image, and then out again, completely disappearing into the trees on the far side of the lake, only to be exhaled out again a few moments later by some massive, unseen, sleeping forest beast. This signified the time that occurs so often in my stronger trips, the moment when I stop for a second to call timeout and assess the situation and realize that I'm in for quite an evening. For a few seconds I strongly consider the possibility that I’m an LSD lightweight. <br> <br> But the “movie” I was watching soon recaptured my attention and I suddenly felt a strong desire to call the rest of my companions up to experience it. But I was enjoying it too much to leave and made a hopelessly doomed yet nevertheless valiantly conceived, mental note to show them later, waiting until what I lazily rationalized to be ‘the right time.’ <br> <br> Instead I sat down on the floor in a half-lotus position and continued to watch my movie. But instead of being able to focus on the “movie,” some motion coming from below it arrested my attention. I looked down and below the picture I saw a large, unstained wooden dresser and its grain was swaying to the same song (whose source still appeared to be my magical cotton music cape) as the fog above. I had never seen the dresser before, but I highly doubted that the neon greens and pinks that intermingled with the dancing grain were actually a part of the “natural” color scheme of the piece. <br> <br> Feeling like I had stumbled upon a holy shrine (or more accurately, had a holy shrine materialize around me), I gave in to the urge to attempt a meditation. I pulled the blanket over my head and was blown backward as, in the sudden deep darkness, abstract visuals exploded for the first time into my astonished field of view. Geometric shapes of red and yellow, often in repeating patterns, danced before my eyes with strong motifs of right angles and not a curve in sight. It fleetingly occurred to me that I had just been knocked backward by light waves (did my brain just attack me with lasers?!??!). I tried to empty my mind, relax, and concentrate on my breathing, but the visuals were overwhelming and I burst out laughing with joy, for once not disappointed at my inability to meditate. And yet, looking back, perhaps it was my most successful meditation. The thoughts were flying through my mind at breakneck speed, which at the time felt overwhelmingly anti-meditative. But because of the intensity of the new thoughts rushing in every other millisecond, the earlier thoughts flowed right over me like water and disappeared. I dwelt on nothing and questioned nothing. I simply observed. <br> <br> Soon my earlier restlessness returned and I threw off the blanket, ready to take in the power of my found personal shrine once again, but no longer was the swaying motion restricted to only the dresser and the photo. Now the walls had joined the tribal dance. <br> <br> +1:40 I heard D out in the hall breathing heavily and making boisterous exclamations, declamations and proclamations. I strode out regally with my royal cloak to investigate the courtly disturbance and found him taking off his sweatshirt and sweating heavily. Through labored breathes he informed me that he had been outside sprinting around in the snow and his breath was mischievously eluding him. And despite the physical consequences, his electrified eyes and stunted laughter told me it was worth every wheeze. Subtly my empathy brainwaves engaged as I experienced flashbacks to the difficulties in breathe mastery I’d experienced during previous chemical vacations. But quickly I became distracted by an arrestingly colored flower vase and forgot all about it. <br> <br> Taken by some trifle, we soon wandered back into his parent’s room and D flopped on the bed with audible enjoyment, completely spreading out in one of the purest examples of total comfort I‘d seen this side of the Y2K scare. <br> <br> I enthusiastically re-lotused in the glow of my movie shrine until D suddenly sat up and directed my attention to an impressionistic painting hanging in the corner of the gently breathing room (the painting somehow was exempted from the breathing [whose exemption at the time in no-way contradicted my rudimentary understanding of physics]). It was a huge Van Gogh-like impressionist sunflower painted with deep, thick, globbed on brilliant yellows, oranges and blues. D offered that he loved that particular work of art because it perfectly summed up his father. This made rip-roaring sense, and for a split second I saw his Dad’s face appear in the head of the sunflower and then softly fade (‘Our eyes are projectors, Yeah! Projecting our lives…’). <br> <br> +2:00 D and I decided to head downstairs and rejoin the group. As soon as we made it downstairs, G came over and asked if it was time to start the massage. As I couldn’t think of a single solitary reason why not, off we went. As we headed to an adjoining room, I lost my focus and stopped a moment to just let the constant waves of sensory input wash over me. Sound (music/laughter/banging/jokes/exultations) was coming from everywhere and nowhere at once. The source of none of it could be pinpointed with anything resembling verifiable certainty. Everything looked profoundly…different… and I was clearly noticing certain aesthetic liberties being taken with this particular room’s aquatic themed wallpaper. Occasional blinking yielded a flash of geometric patterns that would spyrographically expand outwards and then dissolve into wherever it is visual hallucinations retire to. The smallest hint of impending humor threatened to send me off on giggling sprees of painful proportions. <br> <br> To begin the massage, we selected Ulrich Schnauss’s A Strangely Isolated Place which proved to be an outstanding choice for any tripping related activity (I've since verified this using the tripper’s scientific method [once is a strong theoretical possibility, twice is mathematically inalienable certainty]). Next G switched out the lamp’s normal light bulb with a green one. Turning all other illumination off, it cast a pale, almost natural (almost…) green pallor on us and the room. G had heard it suggested by certain shifty-eyed types given to suggesting, that green light is supposed to be associated with the heart Chakra and be helpful in circulatory therapy. In this room there was a gently humming heating duct in the center of the ceiling and it streamed audible whistling and rushing air that imbued the atmosphere with the desolately beautiful aesthetics of an expansive desert, wind rushing over the dunes. I detected the wafting scent of incense creeping slowly in from the other room. <br> <br> By now I was approaching the final ascent to the “peak” of this experience. I had the partially alarming realization that it was taking considerable mental effort to focus long enough to accomplish just lying down on the bed. At the first touch from G it became (unsurprisingly, in hind-sight) apparent that this was going to be just a bit more than a couple of notches on the intensity scale higher than the first time G gave me a massage a couple days ago at his apartment. Any small touch would shoot off a cascade of sensations which would evolve into others which would devolve into still others. Explosions of the visual, physical, auditory and even seemingly new ones I had no names for, forged in the constantly bombarding fire of missile-grade sensory intensity. The closed eye visuals adopted an Aztec and Egyptian sensibility with stepped pyramids and circular calendars taking center stage. One Mayan-stepped tetris-piece design constantly took center stage and a subsequent hastily drawn recreation (Untitled, colored pencil on lined notebook paper, 2010), produced post-trip signs of recognition in my fellow psychic adventurers. <br> <br> When I decided to check in with reality (and reality IS a choice, don't let no fancy talkin headshrinkers tell me different!) I could tell G was searching deep within my lower quad looking for little knots of muscular fury. And then he found one. And pushed down. And something inside of my leg exploded with waves of energy, and like a child whacked out on sour patch kids and seizure inducing cartoonage, I began my best Vishnu impression, all arms and legs in constant motion. And as G somehow moved up to my elbow region, I saw the veins and muscles lighting up inside my arm as my blood rushed to G‘s fingertips. Unable to contain my vocal self, I belted improvised exclamations and expressions of wonderment. This prompted D and S to stick their heads in and ask, without needing an answer, how we were doing. I believe I detected more than a sliver of jealousy in what probably were their voices. All in all I was thoroughly enjoying myself as the electronically natural and ambient sounds of Ulrich Schnauss crashed and swirled around me to a pulsating beat. <br> <br> Because sensory input had now completely arrested what remained of my voluntary focus (crack-aided ADD eat your heart out), I had a hard time keeping still long enough to allow G to accomplish much in the ways of massage therapy. He kept attempting to coax me into staying in the same position, but after 10 seconds (margin of error: + - 11.2 sec) I would give in to the mind‘s de-tethered racings and flail about subconsciously. G, searching for a new tactic, kept repeating the suggestion of striving to feel heavy, heavy, heavy. The concept was intoxicating. I began chanting my new mantra quietly, “heaviness, heaviness, heaviness” over and over, and something in the mind calming repetition allowed renewed control of focus toward staying relaxed and under control. And I was quickly rewarded as G found another hidden ball of clenching tightness down near my tibia’s base and my auditory and corporeal senses hit critical mass. <br> <br> While hurtling through this scene of sound and sensation, traveling through the multi-dimensional ether, G attempted a deep hamstring stretch and implored me to move “up” a bit so he could get a better position. “Up!??!? Up?!??!? That could be anywhere!” I cried as my mind exploded with the possibilities. I was beginning to alternate between the room and the cosmic elsewhere at an increasing frequency. When he finally had the angle he needed, G gently pushed my leg back into a deep stretch and suddenly I was no longer in the room. G was still with me, giving me a deep hamstring stretch, but our surroundings were different. And yet, the new location was in no way cosmic like the other “places” I had been frequenting over the last few minutes. No, this one was earthly and familiar. In fact, it was more than familiar. I could easily place it. It was G’s apartment! And we both were wearing different clothes. I recognized the clothing as well. They were the clothes we were wearing two days ago when G first gave me a massage in his room. I cautiously looked around and to my right I spotted an image of a cloud formation with deep purples and reds, my favorite picture hung on G‘s wall. I could make it out in excellent detail looking deep into the terrestrial nebula. <br> <br> I looked behind me and saw G’s door shut loosely against the frame. The half full glass of water I had started that particular massage with sat untouched beside me. It suddenly occurred to me that looking at the digital display on a watch can alert the dreamer to the presence of the dream-state and I looked down at my wrist. After disappointedly discovering that I had taken my watch off for the massage, I quickly looked back up for G’s alarm clock and saw that I was back in the present with the whistling heating duct gazing knowingly down at me. <br> <br> +3:30 The glowing humanoid form that was in all likelihood G then hovered over to my left side. He clasped my left leg and left arm and pulled me firmly but gently towards him in a complicated motion. This subtly shifted my center of gravity to a foot below me and suddenly I felt myself seeping through the bed down into an unknown void. At first I found the sensation unnerving and resisted, pulling myself up towards G and away from the gravitational sinkhole that had opened up beneath me. But G got me to restart my mantra of “heaviness, heaviness, heaviness,” and chanted along with me with in a calming tone of voice. I gently and slowly leaned backward, like dipping a toe into an expectantly frigid body of water. But as I allowed myself to relax into it, I found it to be an incredibly warm, comforting sensation. Instead of careening down into a cold desolate pit, I excitedly at first and then euphorically melted and dripped into the physical cosmic consciousness, the amalgamated entirety of corporeal energy in the universe. <br> <br> At some point G returned my limbs to me and I resurfaced up into the room. Soon I felt fingers working softly on my cheek and jaw line. As soon as they reached the area just outside my rear molars, a cascade of long buried, decade old memories fluttered into my field of vision. They starred my childhood orthodontist, a kindly, elderly man, but soon this present incarnation began jumping around the room brandishing pointy instruments and cackling loudly in the manner of a certain Toe Jam and Earl villain. A deep seated, primal fear caused me to psychically recoil from the frightening and increasingly cartoonish visage. And yet I surprised myself by not pulling away from G’s fingers. Instead I looked deeply into the vision and the aesthetics began to shift and change. From a hysterical villain, he soon became a fool-hardy Doug nemesis, then a harmless Rugrats adult until the image finally faded away, replaced with a feeling of calmness and exorcism. <br> <br> G then migrated down to my IT band and another rush of memories sprung forth hailing from my middle school cross-country days where I had first learned the seated-foot-resting-on-knee IT band stretch. Soon I smelled an early fall meet held deep inside a rustic state-park: decaying leaves mixed with freshly cut dewy grass and the smoky embers of recently extinguished fires at nearby campsites. Early morning fog permeated the memory melding with the sleepiness of a sub 4AM wake up call and then infused with adrenaline from the anticipation of the starting gun, muscles taut, ready to go. G’s voice suddenly cut in from nowhere, imploring me to relax. <br> <br> As the massage progressed I found it easier and easier to maintain calm stillness. My body, acting independently, relaxed into the massage while my mind wandered through irretrievable revelries. At some point G informed me he had finished, instructed me to take my time and go slow when I decided to arise, and left the room. I lay there gathering my exceedingly scattered thoughts, picking them up one at a time, trying to assess the situation and piece together what just happened. <br> <br> +4:45 Wits tentatively corralled, I wandered unsteadily outside and down to the edge of the dock, drinking in the cool night air and getting calmed by the soft arrhythmic crashing of the waves against the wood. I stood there, outside for the first time that night, and drank in the wide open expanse of land, sea and sky with eyes impossibly accustomed to the dark. My muscles calmed and relaxed while at the same time also felt toned and sore from an intense cardio workout. I pondered whether weakly stretching or melting into a jellied pool of tissue and cells would be a more prudent course of action. <br> <br> +5:00 Seated on the side of the dock, I heard the rustling of the sliding glass door open and booted footsteps slowly sound signaling an approach somewhere behind me. It occurred to me that I could find out who it was with the trivial motion of a swiveled head. And yet, feeling the most Zen I had felt in many moons, I opted for patience and remained staring down into the inky water. The footsteps ceased a pace behind me and were replaced with the slow creaking of boards as the person silently shifted their weight. Then a comparably sudden creak and from the corner of my eye I saw S sit down beside me. She pulled a cigarette from behind her ear and placed it softly between her lips. A lighter materialized and sparked giving off the olfactory hint of flint and char. <br> <br> Taking advantage of our chemically bestowed night-vision, we gazed out into the light black expanse of watery valley, silently taking in the dully glowing nocturnal scenescape. The source of the glow was everywhere and nowhere and I looked down the shore at the little boatdocks and gazeebos extended out into the water, calmly sitting below undulating, grey weeping willows, and I was transported to a Japanese water garden (Serenity, darkly inked woodcut, 1129). S took a slow drag of her cigarette and held it for an impossible expanse of time before exhaling the smoke dreamily starward. Some inconsequential part of my brain wondered, without a trace of anxiety, what G and D were up to. The waves kicked up and then calmed for no verifiable reason. Another deep cigarette inhalation from my right. I turned slowly to look at her and smiled. “Pure beauty,” I said gesturing languidly down the shore. “It looks just like a Japanese water gar…” <br> <br> “YES!!!,” S screamed, jumping up with wild eyed gestures, ash raining down. “Oh my god, you read my thoughts! I was thinking the exact same thing!” Her startled but exuberant words rushed through and past my face to ride out with the night waves. The echoing in my ears slowly subsided as we looked wide-eyed at each other until the feeling gradually passed and our attention was once again arrested by the Sea of Japan. <br> <br> +6:00 S and I jumped to our feet with an irrepressible urge to play Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds and A Day in the Life. It was one of those music choice urges that was irrepressible until satisfied. We were either going to listen to those two songs or sit there bemoaning the impossibility of that fulfillment. Those were our only options. After momentarily weighing the feasibility, we ran excitedly up the deck into the house and I dove into the chair sitting before of my laptop. Seizing my mouse, I turned and looked deep into the soul of my operating system and realized that simply changing the song on I-Tunes was going to be easier said than done. After waiting with saintly patience for the words to reassemble themselves into something resembling a language I might hope to understand, I chose to forgo the improbably placed search bar (3 inches outside the northernmost border of my laptop screen) in favor of the always helpful alphabetic ordering system which led me straight to the Beatles post-haste. With the first deliciously reverbed harpsichord(?) notes sounding in my ears, I assembled the portable speakers, wire connected tweeters over subwoofer, in a sound oozing pyramid on the ground below the table. I arranged myself in a comfortable position 2 feet in front of the speakers, closed my eyes, and let John Lennon describe the backs of my eyelids. <br> <br> Thanks to my heroic and song-worthy mastering of the I-Tunes play-list feature, the last crashing of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (reprise) abruptly began and faded away to the simple opening acoustic guitar riff of A Day in the Life. I let the first crescendo scramble my brains into smithereens only to have them re-arranged by Paul’s oh so charming tale of morning routine only to be betrayed into a second dream culminating in a orchestral mass of entropy even more mind scrambling than the first, this time heralded with missiles of light emanating from the speaker pyramid. And finally we came to the merciful eye of the storm before the impossibly conceived 15 seconds of an unidentifiable Beatle (or 3) speaking in tongues with improbable repetition and what shreds of my mind that were left instantly shattered. Stadium-concert appropriate cheering from S ensued. <br> <br> +7:30 Soon G emerged from the next room and D staggered out a few moments later as I was hit with massage flashbacks from memories that have yet to dry, only a few hours old. D followed in my previous flight path and ambled outside while G decided it’s the appropriate junction to pick up a musical instrument. He carefully hooked up his guitar to my laptop and began enthusiastically adding and removing effects, delays, reverbs, flangers, phasers, tremolos, pitch shift, chorus, like a mad musical scientist. When he finally comes to rest on a combination that makes a solitary plucked guitar note echo with an entire cosmic orchestra’s worth of auditory power, he strums an deep powerful chord and I feel my ears physically vibrate with joy. <br> <br> Up from the depths of my mind comes Mucho Maas’s description of the joys of listening to music on acid. “You’ll think I’m crazy Oed. But I can listen to anything and take it apart again. Spectrum analysis, in my head. I can break down chords, and timbres, and words too into all the basic frequencies and harmonics, with all their different loudnesses, and listen to them, each pure tone, but all at once. It’s like I have a separate channel for each one and if I need more I just expand…” I think it’s safe to say ol’ Thomas Pynchon indulged once or twice in his time. <br> <br> At some point G thrust the guitar into my hands, still attached with life-enhancing medical tubes to the computer and its tone crafting software, and walks off to start S’s massage. I hesitate at the burden of crafting the auditory background for S’s massage experience remembering how integral Ulrich was to mine. For a moment I contemplated turning on an album. But after feeling the incredible power and possibility after plucking just one note, I cannot contain myself and begin picking along a simple (and then all too soon, driving) melody, diving in and out of openings left by the delay, dodging reverb responses and leaning hard into the tremolo with feelings bordering on euphoria. Suddenly remembering the task at hand, I shift down a few gears and begin to strum lightly between softly picked melodies, weaving a web of softly pulsated ambient threads while D lays on the couch staring incredulously up at the ceiling. <br> <br> +8:15 My energy level completely crashes. Ignoring all else in the blissful act of music creation, my waning strength didn’t register until my strumming became gradually sparser and sparser until my final melody sounded at a crawling 10 beats per minutes. I gently placed the guitar on the ground and became one with the pile of blankets next to the couch, spending the remaining 4 hours of the trip in lazily light-hearted conversation and activities, bobbing in and out of sleepy, closed eye revelries.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 91899</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Aug 5, 2011</td><td>Views: 39,749</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=91899&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=91899&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Yoga / Bodywork (202) : Music Discussion (22), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 drop</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:45</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 drop</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">  </td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">120 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> My boyfriend and I had previously always considered trying acid, but we bought into the rumors about it making you crazy or making your brain bleed. We still wanted to try it, but felt extremely cautious about it. So when it turned up in my kitchen along with 3 of my hippie friends we’d invited over, I knew we had to at least buy it and decide later. We bought 2 doses of 2 hits each (estimated at about 400 ugrams per dose) mid-week and said we’d decide by Thursday night to do it Friday if we chose to take it at all. We researched the rumors surrounding acid and found them to be deemed a bunch of bull instituted by ridiculous anti-drug propaganda like Reefer Madness and generally negative governmental connotations of it. <br> <br> I am especially inexperienced with drug use, having just started using cannabis regularly last year. The first drug I ever used was Dramamine, though. My boyfriend and I also shared that experience together a couple months before I first smoked pot. I experienced flashbacks almost daily from using Dramamine up until my acid trip. <br> <br> Thursday night we decided together that we were having a pretty good week, that we were happy and that with our out-of-town friend coming to hang out on Friday with us that we’d probably have a pretty good time doing it. We had a nice relaxing Friday, he went to work and I had no classes so we both did low-stress level activities all day. I visited him at lunch which put us both in a good mood for the rest of the day as well. I went to work for 5 hours and came home after, ready to trip. <br> <br> Our friend came over at about 10 and I took 1 of my two hits. We all had a drink and smoked a bowl together. My boyfriend said he was ready and he took his two hits and I took my other hit about 45 minutes after my first one. We were excited rather than nervous, which helped the general mood and anxiety you can feel after first dosing. We started out just chilling out, waiting for it to hit when I started sitting on the floor and began collecting things in the room I really liked. I gathered them up and sat down in the pile of them and started watching Alice in Wonderland that we had put in earlier. I became overwhelmingly happy looking at my pets who I really love and at pictures of my boyfriend and me in my scrapbook. I started crying because I realized that I have a wonderful life and that I’m so lucky for everything I have. I had been raped about 4 years ago and at this time during my trip I started telling my boyfriend that I felt like that had no importance and effect on me any longer. I was so happy and realized how much I enjoyed my life that all of my past eventually became entirely unimportant to me. <br> <br> Nothing was melting at this point, but I became very in love with colors. First, purple that was in a Jimi Hendrix poster on the wall and then I started to love pink, too. I have a pink stuffed flamingo and old pink chuck taylors that I also started to feel extremely attracted to. I also got out my guitar and an old stuffed animal I’ve had for almost my whole life. As I held the stuffed animal, she began to feel real and like a child. I held her like a baby against me very carefully and I noticed that she was a hue of yellow instead of brown like she really is. I also had fabric swatches and some fake sunflowers that I liked looking at for an extended period of time as well. At this time I kept bothering my boyfriend to look at stuff because I thought he could see the same things as me and he was starting to get frustrated and we’d argue and confuse each other pretty badly. <br> <br> Before I started getting too out of control collecting stuff, our sober friend asked if I could get him a beer to distract me. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Before I started getting too out of control collecting stuff, our sober friend asked if I could get him a beer to distract me.</div></div> I got one out for him and I noticed the Hello Kitty magnetic clips on the fridge and also became obsessed with those. He told me just to bring both to the table where he was. I stopped short of the table to look at the carpet and noticed that all the fibers looked like meal worms and were moving all over each other. I was still pretty with-it in the mind so it didn’t scare me because I could remember it was still carpet. I laughed and took him the stuff. He put the clip on his shirt so I’d stay sitting down at the table in order to let my boyfriend look at things for himself. I did for a long time, and the above the table gave me a feeling of an interrogation room and it made me nervous. I looked into the living room and it seemed like the room had stretched and I wanted to go over and be with my boyfriend. I started to get up but our friend called him over so I was happy and the light looked like sunshine instead. <br> <br> He asked if he could take pictures of our pupils because they were pretty big and he took pictures of us before I started thinking that my whole existence is this acid trip and that my only purpose is for these pictures to be taken and that the only thing anyone will ever know of me are these pictures that will be published and looked at and used as an example. I started to freak out and think this over and over so our friend put the camera away and told me that everything was okay and that I should sit down and make him some “acid art.” I thought it was a great idea and felt better, but my boyfriend said that he felt trapped inside and wanted to go outside, would our friend please take us? So after a confusing 20 minutes of forgetting and remembering that we wanted to go outside, we finally left my apartment, both of us trippers with a stuffed animal. <br> <br> The cold felt like a blade through me vertically and I tried to not let it consume me. We went up and sat in our friend’s truck and really started to trip out. The lights from the city were beautiful and branches of trees moved like blooming flowers. I kept thinking that the lights behind me were cars coming in to park but there were none around. My boyfriend asked me what I was looking at and when I told him he said he saw the same thing. We got the skateboard out of our friend’s truck and my boyfriend went and was able to do this AMAZING trick and landed it primo on its side. He tried to do something simple and he landed his knee on the edge of it and scraped himself but he said he didn’t want it to hurt so he didn’t let it hurt. <br> <br> On the way back inside I began to see rainbow fractals all over the place. They left a pattern on everything I looked at, even my hands. I looked in the sand outside and it looked like living stone cacti, very beautiful. Once back inside, we passed a wall where I always see a Dramamine flashback. I see it everyday. It looked like a piece of paper with a list written on it, but this time I passed it without seeing it and I asked my boyfriend where “the rules” went. I explained it to him and told him they were gone now. We shrugged and went downstairs back into my apartment. We started to go into our bedroom which looked normal when we first went into it. My iPod was playing different music than what was playing out where his friend was and it gave an entirely different feeling to us. We felt calm and close to each other and we lay there for a few minutes just looking around. The ceiling has a stucco pattern in it and it looked like butterflies bordered in pearlescent rainbow colors. It was beautiful and I loved it. The papier-mâché butterflies I have hanging from my ceiling swayed to both of us and the dotted pattern on their wings traveled around and around their outline. The color book picture on my wall swelled and shrank and the stars in it twirled. It was very cute looking to me at the time. <br> <br> I went out because we wanted to start collecting stuff again and I smoked some more weed before going back in with our stuffed animals from earlier. We only stayed for a couple minutes more when I went back to our room because we missed our friend and wanted to hang out with him. We drew some stuff for a while and I began to feel like a little girl and I felt like my boyfriend was a little boy and his head got bigger like a little kid’s proportions and his eyes got bigger also like a little kid’s. I thought he looked cute rather than scary and really enjoyed it. I allowed myself to also feel little, which might explain why I was obsessed with pink and purple as well. I also like yellow and orange a lot more now, especially along with pink and purple. <br> <br> I have always felt like I haven’t grown up mentally even though I know more things as I get older. I feel the same in my head that I had since I was in kindergarten, but after being a little kid again and “growing up” and learning after the whole trip, this feeling was gone and I feel grown up now. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I feel grown up now.</div></div> We colored and wrote down lots of things before we wanted to go outside again. I wasn’t particularly fond of outside, but my boyfriend wanted to have a good trip too and I thought he was looking for something in his trip that was outside so I said we could go. <br> <br> We walked outside a long ways, half way around most of my apartment building’s complex until we found the playground. My boyfriend wanted swings, but there were none so he went down the slide while I was distracted by a bunny a few yards away. I walked toward it and told our sober friend that I saw a bunny. I really liked the bunny and the grass around him looked like peacock feathers. I got really happy again and our friend asked me if I thought the rabbit might have some tea. I thought that it might be a possibility so I said maybe excitedly and I walked towards the bunny more. I wanted to ask him if he did have tea, but he hopped away and my boyfriend was also done sliding. A car went by and startled us and some people were walking around getting home from the bar and I got a little nervous again. <br> <br> Our friend said we should keep on walking to see what else was outside and we continued to walk around the complex. As we walked, my boyfriend and I talked and the number 4 kept coming up over and over again. It seemed like we’d each say the same 4 sentences over and over just in different places. I kept saying “It’s cyclical.” He got confused and we stopped talking a lot because I was getting upset about the same things being said over and over. We got halfway back to my building when I thought I saw 2 cops. I got incredibly scared and convinced myself within a couple seconds that we’d been reported for suspicious activity all night and that they were following us. I started walking really fast and I got so upset that I started gagging like I was going to puke. We walked down to my building and went inside and I puked all over the floor. I ran inside my apartment, upset that I left a vomit trail for the imaginary cops to my door and I rinsed out my mouth and my hands in the bathroom while I realized that I was on acid and that I was doing nonsensical things. Our friend cleaned up the hallway while my boyfriend tried to calm me down. I was so confused. I knew my reality was different but the cops was the only thing that could be in my trip and real life so it took my boyfriend and our friend about 40 minutes to convince me that I had made up the cops and that there were none at all. We all agreed not to go outside again until it was light and I felt better and after time had gone by with no one at our door, I was fine again. <br> <br> For the rest of the night I was happy because as we made our “acid art” I realized how good I am at sketching and allowed myself to be continually good at it. My boyfriend and I were drawing together now instead of on separate paper and we realized that it was better this way because we could trip cooperatively happily and teach each other and learn a lot of things. Near the beginning of our drawing my boyfriend and I started confusing each other again and he said, “It is cyclical.” I said, “See!?” And from then on, we were completely cooperative in our tripping. I was saturatedly happy and found that if I was thinking something, my boyfriend would say it exactly as I had thought it. I liked this and felt linked to him by this. We filled tons of pages with out theories on what a trip is and different things we had questions about in life. We watched the Yellow Submarine several times, loving it each time. It didn’t warp because it made so much sense when we watched it on acid. It’s like it was tripping with us. <br> <br> We stayed happy the rest of the night and hung out with our friend, made art and wrote stuff down. We thought that babies might see what acid trippers see when they are happy in heaven and when they’re born until they grow out of it. I also felt that every classification of importance for living things is completely un-validated and ridiculous. My tolerance for people of different races and classes was completely renewed and I felt like my little animals were just as important as any of us humans in the room. We also found out that we had complete control of our trips and how happy they could be just by wanting it to go a certain way and simply allowing it to. We also got a couple periods of time for 2 to 5 minutes where everything would completely clear up and look normal again before we’d start tripping out completely again. We just expected things to be good and they were. I also wanted to be left handed and simply allowed myself to be. I can still do it now, three days after the trip. We looked in the mirror for a while together and I looked at myself, changing from resembling a tiger all the way to making myself smile and look like the Cheshire cat from Alice earlier. It was fun. <br> <br> I made us a giant breakfast at around 5:48 AM of toast, eggs and hamburger with cheese on a communal plate. I just kept adding to it and adding to it because I knew that it would turn out amazing. The noises that came from the oven were so noisy! The hood vent was incredibly loud and I could just hear everything at once so sensitively. I remembered to turn off all the burners on the stove and to turn the oven off too. After we ate, our friend put up the picture he made us all night in the kitchen and we discussed what we liked about it and how good it was. As we stood in the kitchen, I could hear our speech echo around in my ears and it made me laugh because it was so odd. After that, our friend went to bed and we went into our room, too. <br> <br> We opened the blinds a little bit and saw that it was approaching sunrise. I made some more art out of my crossword puzzle book by pasting it into a flower and gluing buttons I had in a jar on it too. I really liked it and then we decided to turn the black light on and lay in bed together. The black light was amazing! All the colors it turned things in the room to were beautiful. We watched as a pink bracelet I had on turned from light yellow back to pink, to yellow and back again, over and over. We were quite amused for a while before we decided to go shower and try to sleep. We tripped each other out in the shower by recalling things that happened the night before. We got out and went back into our room where my boyfriend took pictures of me because I decided that I was beautiful without any makeup on and that I wanted to remember this later. We sat on the floor and smoked again and took pictures until the battery on his camera died. We had sat for an hour and 10 minutes. We laughed because it only seemed like 5 minutes. We lay back down and I tripped for the next 5 hours before trying to wake my boyfriend up who got about 2 hours of sleep. <br> <br> We got ready and headed out to see my parents for lunch. The day was lovely and we felt trippy still and just very, very happy. We realize now that we refrained from swearing for 2 days after and that we only just got back to normal feeling about 4 days later. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">we only just got back to normal feeling about 4 days later.</div></div> We both had depression pretty badly before we tried acid, but even now we are not having problems with it whatsoever. I even had some sexual side effects from my depression like having low to no sexual response to advances made by my boyfriend, but now we have normal sex where we both get excited in a synchronized way. We miss each other very badly when we’re not together after being together during that whole night’s events now. We can’t stand to be apart even more than before we did acid together. We both agree that it was one of the best life experiences we’ve ever had and that we learned so much from trying it. I do want to do it again, but it was so special to me that I probably won’t do it more than 4 times in my whole life so I can remember each trip separately and vividly. <br> <br> Overall, this was a very good life experience and I think it went well because we researched it, surrounded ourselves with a good, sober friend who helped us to play into the good parts of our trips, and also with the movies, music and activity of drawing that we chose. It was definitely worth completely trashing our house that had been clean for the preceding two weeks. We are all back to normal now, including the house that is clean again, and we treasure and pore over the art we made and the pictures that were taken all throughout the night. We’ll always remember this.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 70216</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Apr 8, 2016</td><td>Views: 84,130</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=70216&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=70216&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Guides / Sitters (39), Relationships (44), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>

<div class="report-text-surround"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0"> <tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr> </table> <!-- DoseChart --> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart"> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 0:20</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cig.</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 1:30</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">101 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 3:00</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">43 mg</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="90" align="right">  T+ 4:15</td> <td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">15 hits</td> <td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td> <td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td> <td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight"> <tr> <td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td> <td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">165 lb</td> </tr> </table> <br><br> <!-- End DoseChart --> <!-- Start Body --> This all happened a while ago, and I regret not writing about it until now. As with many drug experiences, memories seem to fade even faster than they normally do. Luckily, most details of the evening are still fresh in my mind, as I expect they will be for some time. I realize that this is a very long story, but I can’t make any apologies for that; it’s just as long as it needs to be. If you don’t want to read yet another first-time MDMA story, feel free to skip down to Part II where the shit hits the fan.<br> <br> Part I<br> <br> It was the first concert of the year, and my two friends and I had been looking forward to it for weeks. I was especially excited for the show – it was one of my favorite artists, and it would be the first time I attended a show high on anything but weed. The three of us each had molly – 150mg for me, 100mg each for my two friends. I had never seen a chemical so pure before. It wasn’t powder, it was legitimate crystal. I had never rolled before, nor had one of my friends (we’ll call her Evelyn. She was the driver that night). In addition, my other friend and I (we’ll call him Jerry) and I were also planning to take a hit of acid. I had taken acid once before, from the same strip, and I knew it to be rather weak. I’d say I reached a + on the Shulgin scale, ++ once I smoked. We also rolled up the last of our blueberry kush in a joint to smoke before the show.<br> <br> On the day of the concert, a confluence of odd events occurred. Evelyn saw a black cat on the railroad tracks outside her apartment that had been sliced in two by a train. Later, when she was on her way to pick me up, her car got a flat tire and we had to wait an hour at a Wal-Mart while it got replaced. As we drove on the highway to pick up Jerry, we were pulled over for going 86mph. <span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span> Evelyn wasn’t lucky enough to get off with a warning (female cops...) and as we continued on with a speeding ticket in hand, we were at least glad to agree that it was a good sign that we had gotten our police encounter over with for the day.<br> <br> The concert was about an hour and a half away, and we left with plenty of time to spare. Jerry and I placed our hits under our tongues when we were about 45 minutes out; Evelyn, who had never done anything stronger than cannabis, abstained. We both still felt at baseline when we arrived at the venue. We parked the car and searched for a place to smoke. We settled at a wonderful, isolated spot behind the venue. The view was gorgeous – we were near a river, and the lights from the nearby metropolis twinkled in the ripples of the water. I felt huge. The blueberry high mingled with the burgeoning acid trip, and I felt the world ebbing with my breath. I was filled with a familiar sense of peace. I grinned at Jerry and said “I think this stuff is stronger than the last time.” He smiled back.<br> <br> I could feel the acid creeping up as we checked our tickets, stood in line, and waited for the opening act to perform. I was an acid novice, so it’s hard for me to qualitatively describe what the drug was doing to me. It was stronger than my last hit, yes, but still not strong, probably not even 100mcg. Nevertheless, I clearly felt under the influence of a psychedelic. My vision breathed as I did, and I felt a fundamental calmness mixed with excitement. A new sort of energy coursed through my body, the sort that I imagined when I heard people speak of “channeling energy”. The night was off to a great start.<br> <br> This seems like a good point to pause and describe myself a little. I had tripped several times before – the aforementioned LSD, mushrooms, and 2C-E mostly – and smoked heavily. I had never tripped in a public setting before, and in fact had always doubted that such a thing would be enjoyable. I had also never taken MDMA before, but it had been at the top of my to-do list for years. I am, by nature, introverted and not a little shy. It was something I used to really beat myself up about; I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was always being judged for being quiet or a bore. As I came to realize that other people spent about as much time judging and criticizing me as I did them (that is to say, not really at all), my insecurities faded but my proclivities remained the same. I didn’t usually seek company and had a hard time talking to others. I was fascinated by the potential of MDMA to break me from my shell. I had heard from friends and numerous online reports about how drastically MDMA could increase sociability, empathy, sensitivity – all things that I felt I lacked and wanted so badly when I saw them in others. And, secretly, I badly wanted to dance. Music had always moved my soul, but not my body, and I was far too self-conscious to give it an earnest try. Aside from a few white-guy head bobs, I had never danced, and I privately doubted the ability of even the great MDMA to change that.<br> <br> Jerry had described the first band’s sound as “some high school kids who play pop music and made it big somehow”, so as they walked onto the stage, I was expected something like a watered-down Belle & Sebastian. Luckily, their live show transcended the album and by the second number I was sold. Jerry was acid-grooving to the music, while Evelyn and I stood near the back and bobbed our white heads. Occasionally I would look at Evelyn and smile, as if to acknowledge how ridiculous it was that there was a rocking band playing with dozens of dancing and free souls all around us and we were too self-conscious to do what everyone else was doing (although for all I knew she didn’t want to dance, and that is, of course, perfectly fine). The joy of the crowd should have been infectious, but I felt slightly too awkward to really get into the spirit.<br> <br> Jerry and I wanted our roll to peak during the headliner, and the perfect time to take our capsules was as the second act set up. Evelyn bowed out of taking the molly, so Jerry and I each placed capsules containing 100mg of MDMA in our mouths and washed it down with the most expensive bottled water I had ever drank. By this time, the acid had reached its peak effects while the cannabis high was weakening by the minute. The second act began performing – blaring glitch-hop that seemed out of place with the other music, but I loved it regardless. The light show danced overhead in purple and green, the audience became more and more energetic, and I began to play the do-I-feel-it-or-do-I-not game. As the second act wore on, I began sensing a new kind of energy, which increased by degrees until I was convinced that something was happening. But still, it was just that – an energy, but none of the characteristics that I had come to expect.<br> <br> I do remember the first instant that I knew I was rolling. I was bending my knees and bobbing my head to a particularly intense beat, and a singular thought entered my mind: “My jeans feel really, really good right now…”<br> <br> And that was it. My jeans rubbing against my legs as I moved felt good in a way that nothing had ever felt good before, like a magical, perfectly soft fabric rubbing along the smoothest skin. And at that instant, the other effects of the drug began to fill me. The music took on wonderful new qualities – where before the music had seemed almost too loud, I now relished in the volume. My senses were hungry for everything, and I devoured the lights, the now-beautiful clothing and movements of those around me, and the MUSIC. I had the thought some months before, while listening to a sprawling ambient Shpongle track while on 2C-E, that psychedelics didn’t just improve music but totally altered it. It was like software running on different hardware; like it pushed separate and previously unknown switches. MDMA is similar, I think. I didn’t simply begin to enjoy more the music I had been hearing, it took on a brand new quality. I could feel the pounding bass shake my body, but it resonated throughout every part of me. I was like a starving man, and the music was my feast.<br> <br> And I danced. My inhibitions were wiped away at once, but it wasn’t just that. It was like I knew just how to dance, like I had always known but had never embraced it until now. One of my greatest fears about dancing had been that I simply didn’t know how. That night, I learned how easy it is. I didn’t have to know what to do, I just did it. My body, the music, and the drug corroborated to make my movements virtually unconscious. The urges of movement that had peeked from my depths whenever I listened to good music were finally exercised. I moved my feet, my hips, my arms… I just did what my body told me to do, and I loved it deeply.<br> <br> The second act left the stage, and the three of us sat down at one of the small tables in the back of the room. Getting off my feet was an amazing feeling; all the energy that I had been expending on the dancefloor now surged through my body, bouncing around on my insides at a hundred miles an hour. Even something as simple as breathing was a delight. I felt like I was humming in harmony with the vibrations of everything around, and every breath was perfect, just like it was supposed to happen. I had the hugest grin plastered on my face, and at that moment I couldn't understand why there was so much sadness in people when everything was so, so beautiful...<br> <br> I turned my attention to my two friends. Jerry was smoking a cigarette and wore a smile to match mine. We exchanged a look, and I'm sure he understood what was on my mind just as well as I understood what was on his. I turned my attention to Evelyn, and in an instant every kind thing she had ever done for me flashed into my mind. I was struck by the things she had done for me out of the goodness of her heart, and I was awestruck by the simple beauty of that. Any time that someone does something out of the goodness of their heart, it is a beautiful and sacred gift and I won't forget it.<br> <br> My friends and I guzzled water and talked; I don't remember about what. As the headliner was setting up to perform, I remembered that I had another capsule containing 50m of molly in my pocket. I hesitated – I already felt great, did I need more? Might it be too much? I thought back to last year, to the first time Jerry and I had ever tripped. We had taken Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds, and I had said I didn't want to smoke because I wanted to experience the trip on its own. “Alright,” Jerry said, “but for what it's worth, maybe it's not about having a Hawaiian Baby Woodrose experience but about having an experience. It can only make you feel better.” I had no answer for that then, and I didn't now. I happily swallowed my capsule just before the band came onstage.<br> <br> I've avoided mentioning the names of the artists at the concert, since that lineup only played a few shows together and (for reasons that will soon become clear) it wouldn't be too difficult to identify my friends. Suffice to say, however, that the headlining band was perfect for the state of mind I was in that night. The acid and the MDMA had peaked, and the music was warm, familiar, and childlike. My dancing became more varied, but more importantly, I had fallen in love with my movements. There was nothing, I thought, that I would rather be doing at that moment. Not content to stay in one place, I started dancing in circles around Evelyn, who would laugh at the spectacle. Every time I saw any positive emotion on her face, I felt my soul lift correspondingly.<br> <br> We had brought about fifteen pairs of rainbow glasses to the show (if you don't know what those are, they're cardboard glasses with plastic lenses that act as prisms and show spectra of color surrounding all sources of light), and I had been sporadically wearing a pair throughout the night. Jerry was standing near the speakers to the right of the stage, and he motioned me to join him. He had been talking to a guy with light gloves on, and almost before I knew what was happening, I was getting my first light show. My jaw dropped, and after I had almost immediately put on my rainbow glasses, my jaw dropped to the floor. I can't describe in words what it looked like... it seemed like every color, everywhere, times seven. “That was amazing, dude!” I shouted when he was finished, and gave him a hug. He was sweaty; I didn't care.<br> <br> Inspired, I took the other pairs of glasses out of my pocket and dashed to the back of the room. The first person I offered a pair to declined but, undeterred, I looked for a new target. I greeted an attractive blonde girl in the middle of the room. “I like how you dance!” I said, and handed her a pair. Her face lit up when she put them on. She thanked me and gave me a hug, and I went off in search of someone else. I found a group of a few guys who were clearly having a good time. I tapped the nearest one of the shoulder and offered him the glasses. The instant he put them on, his face lit up with delight. He started laughing and flashing the biggest smile I had ever seen. “Try this fucking things on!” he shouted to his friends, and I watched their reactions as one by one they too suddenly burst into joy and delight. With each person that put them on, my mood lifted and lifted until I was in perfect bliss over how happy I had been able to make these strangers. The glasses made their way back to the first man, and he tried to give them back to me. I waved my hand. “They're yours,” I mouthed, and danced away.<br> <br> The rest of the show went like that. I danced, making sure to buy a bottle of water whenever my mouth felt dry (and once tipping the nice ladies at the bar $5). I only stopped dancing a few times to hug Evelyn. She's a lot like how I described myself earlier, and it seems like sometimes we have a hard time talking to each other for that reason. It was an amazing feeling having those barriers broken down and being able to see and talk to my good friend the way I had always wanted to.<br> <br> But of course, the show had to eventually end. We filed out almost immediately. A part of me was disappointed, and I still wanted to do nothing but dance to loud electronic music. As soon as I stepped outside, though, I knew that was just where I wanted to be. It was a cool night, and it offered a whole new range of sensations than the loud and stuffy room in which I had spent the last few hours. My skin tingled, the cold air refreshed and reinvigorated me. The three of us quickly found a bench of the street near the river. It's hard for me to describe just how everything looked at that moment. Everything took on an ineffable quality, like a sparkle, and like breathing. The river stretched on and on, as far as I could see, and a rainbow of colors reflected and refracted on its surface from the buildings on the other side. I looked at Evelyn; she smiled, and I at last realized what a beautiful girl she really is. I looked at Jerry, and all the qualities I admired and loved in my old friend seemed to be painted on his face. The world there on that bench was, in a word, perfect.<br> <br> “You know,” I began, “I've always thought that if a person says something about somebody when they're not around, then you know they really mean it, right? Well, Evelyn, I was talking to Jerry the other day and I said 'you know, Evelyn is a pretty cool kid.' And he said 'yeah, Evelyn is really cool.' He said that, Evelyn! He didn't have to say it, but he did!”<br> <br> Jerry smiled hugely and nodded. “It's true, I did say that!”<br> We continued in this fashion for a few minutes, taking delight in the delight we brought our friend. There was a pause in the conversation. “Jerry,” I said abruptly, “square up!” I immediately sat upright and extended my arms as wide as I could. He did the same, and we hugged. I don't think we had done that in years. “I love you, man,” I said, and he replied the same. “We don't do that enough, man” Jerry said, and I agreed. I hugged Evelyn and told her I loved her too.<br> <br> We still had a little bit of weed left, and after making sure that no one would walk up on us, we each took two or three hits from Jerry's one-hitter. The weed brought back some of the feelings I had earlier, but I felt like it augmented the acid more than the MDMA. We laughed and talked for a few more minutes before Evelyn decided that she was cold. We agreed to talk back to the car to get a jacket and warm up. I stood up and walked away with two of my closest friends, on top of the world, full on the life and love that had always surrounded me but that I had never noticed before.<br> <br> Part II<br> <br> It was much warmer in the car. I hadn't noticed how the cold had affected me, but I was glad to be out of the breeze. My friends and I continued our conversation from the bench with unabated good vibes. After a few minutes, one of us in the car commented on a group of young men on bicycles slowly riding up the sidewalk about ten feet in front of the car. I won't mince words – these were some shady-looking motherfuckers and they had clearly either just gotten in some shit or were about to. And in fact, just a few seconds after we noticed them, a police cruiser rolled up behind them and turned its lights on. We quickly assessed the situation: it was 2am in a bad part of town, we were the only car in the lot, and it looked like they were there to sell us drugs. Even if it didn't we all agreed that this was not a place we needed to be. We pulled out of the lot and got the hell out of there. We drove around aimlessly for a minute, looking for a place to settle. But before Jerry could say that we were going the wrong way down a one-way street, we slammed into the side of a police car. <span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span> <br> <br> I don't remember what happened immediately after the crash. I saw right away that we had hit the car as it was traveling to the left. The two vehicles were sprawled across the intersection at odd angles. I couldn't see the damage to Evelyn's car, but I saw that we had hit the police car in the back, not the front. The officer appeared to be unharmed, and so did we. We were in shock. All I remember until I was taken out of the car was Evelyn's crying, and Jerry and I trying to tell her it would be okay. But she was beyond consolation. My heart went out to her in that moment, and I will never forget that look in her eyes.<br> <br> I don't remember how long it took for backup to arrive on the scene. It seemed like ages, but with the volume of cops in the area, it couldn't have been long. Police were everywhere around the intersection, and they continued to arrive as events transpired. An officer came to my door first.<br> <br> “Step out of the car.”<br> “Am I under arrest?”<br> “No, you're not.”<br> “Do I have to get out of the car?”<br> “Yes, you do.”<br> <br> I got out. I was terrified. I didn't know what the laws regarding people in my situation were, and I didn't know if it mattered. We didn't just hit any car, we hit one of their own. I didn't have anything on me, but I was high as a kite and I didn't put it past the police to make my life very difficult anyway.<br> <br> “Do you have any drugs on your or anything I should know about?”<br> “No, sir.”<br> “Well, you mind if I search you so I know you're telling the truth?”<br> “Yes sir, I do mind.”<br> “I need to search you so I know you're not carrying a weapon or something you can hurt me with.”<br> I didn't know if that was true or not, but I realized that I wasn't going to keep this man out of my pockets. I consented, and he started to pat me down.<br> “Is there anything that's going to poke me in there? Nothin' sharp?”<br> “No, sir...”<br> <br> Once satisfied that I was clean, he had me stand with another officer off to the side while they dealt with my friends.<br> <br> The cop they stuck me with was a real “tough guy,” one of those who are out to give you a hard time.<br> “So why didn't you want to be searched earlier, huh?”<br> “I'm a man of principle.”<br> <br> He shook his head. “It just makes you look guilty...” He sounded somewhat disgusted. I didn't reply, and instead watched what was going on with my friends. Jerry was going through the same ordeal that I had with the cop. My heart sank. He wasn't clean – he had his one-hitter, and worst of all, he was carrying Evelyn's capsule of molly. I prayed that he had the presence of mind to swallow it in the car.<br> <br> The exchange between Jerry and the cop was becoming heated. I was situated too far away to make out what they were saying, but I could tell that Jerry was standing his ground in refusing to be searched without being charged with a crime, and the cop, sensing that he had his man, was insisting with every-increasing fervor that Jerry let himself be searched. I don't know what the breaking point was in the standoff – I expect that the cop threatened to call in drug dogs and it would only make it worse for Jerry if he did. In any case, I watched as the officer reached into Jerry's pocket. He found a cigarette pack and looked inside. He looked at Jerry, and I watched his lips form the words “you are under arrest...” Jerry turned around and held his head high as the cuffs were placed around his wrists. He was led to the back of a squad car, and the police turned their attention to Evelyn.<br> <br> Evelyn proved to be a much easier target. Jerry and I had a few run-ins with the police between this, but she was much more naïve. To give you an idea of the environment she comes from: She grew up on a small farm in a very conservative family in the South. Her parents are unambiguously racist. When she was in high school, she was literally almost disowned for briefly dating a black guy. In spite of all this, she is an extremely cool person, very open-minded and modest and thoughtful. She had been smoking infrequently, almost exclusively with me, since last year, but that was it. This is all by way of saying: she was terrified, and didn't know what to do. Her parents still play a highly active role in her life, and she had just gotten high and ran into a police car. I don't think anything worse could have been happening to her right now in her eyes.<br> <br> Evelyn was right next to me as the police asked her questions, so I could hear every word that was said.<br> <br> “Did you have anything to drink tonight?”<br> “No, sir.”<br> “Did you smoke anything?”<br> “Yes, I did.”<br> “When?”<br> “I smoked with them about an hour ago.”<br> <br> I froze. I was less concerned with being implicated in anything myself at that moment, but I knew she had just given herself away. There wasn't anything she could do to help herself now. But I can't blame her for it. Even if she had denied it, even if she had passed the field sobriety tests, they would have taken her in to get a blood test and it would show that she'd smoked. The cop just nodded. “Alright,” he said, “we're going to give you some sobriety tests now.”<br> <br> I didn't watch as she performed them, though I did smile when I heard her absolutely nail the backwards alphabet. I had been too distracted to realize that my trip was still going strong, but now, as I sat in short sleeves in the October night, in a strange city surrounded by hostile police, watching these friends who I respected and loved on the brink of being hauled away, I plunged into negativity. I was still terrified that I was next. I was obviously lowest on their list of priorities, but once they had put away the big fish, what would happen to me? Was I an accessory to something? I was plagued by doubt, and I was plagued by the injustice the universe had just shown me. In an orientation for my job this year a few months earlier, I had been asked who my hero was. I thought a moment, and replied “my friends.” It was these two I had in mind. Jerry was my best friend since sixth grade, my roommate, my trip partner. So much about how I saw the world, I owed to him. And the goodness of Evelyn affected me in the same way. We all have friends, but few and far between are the friends we can truly say we respect, who connect to us on a deeper level, and who inspire us to better things by their examples. These were smart people, all of us on full scholarship at our school, people who committed themselves to living harmless lives. And yet here they were, facing an infinitely frightening uncertainty.<br> <br> It was no comfort to me that I couldn't even blame the police for what they were doing. Yes, if our drug laws were the way I thought they should be, Jerry would be in as little trouble as I was. But I couldn't ignore the fact that we really did hit a police car, and but for half a second's difference, we really could have killed him. I couldn't expect them to act any differently than they did, and yet it all seemed so unfair. I sat, shivering, for what seemed like hours. I became frantic, and my fear worsened. By and by, my thoughts dissolved into one shaking mantra: “I want this to be over. I want this to be over.” I'm not proud of my lack of courage at that moment, but it is what it is. It's an experience that I hope I've learned from.<br> <br> One of the officers approached me. I froze up.<br> <br> “You're free to go,” he said. I couldn't believe it. My disbelief must not have shown, because he continued unabated.<br> <br> “Do you have anyone you can call that can pick you up?”<br> “Yeah, I'll call my girlfriend.”<br> “How far away does she live?”<br> “I think it'd be a couple of hours from here.”<br> “Alright. There's a hotel a couple of blocks away. If you want, we can drive you over there.”<br> “Er... no thanks, I can walk,” I said, wanting nothing less in the world to be in the back of a police car at that moment.<br> “Are you sure?”<br> “Yeah, I am.”<br> <br> They were done with me, but I still had one thing to ask.<br> “What's going to happen to them?”<br> “Well, she's going to jail for a DUI. And the other one's going in for paraphernalia.”<br> <br> My hopes brightened at that last statement. If it was just paraphernalia, and not possession... that must mean they didn't find the molly! Holding this one bit of good news in my heart, I took my phone out of my pocket and walked off.<br> <br> It was a hard call to make. My girlfriend (we'll call her Ally) has been Evelyn's best friend since their freshman year of high school; in fact, that's how Evelyn and I knew each other. I don't need to repeat the phone call here – I told her what happened, she asked if I was okay, I said yes. She told me to just find a place to stay until she could get there. I thanked her profusely, and when I told her I loved her, I don't think I had ever meant it that much before.<br> <br> Now that I was away from the police, I was faced with a new problem. In my hurry to get away from the scene of the crime, I neglected to ask exactly where the hotel was. I had a vague direction, and I determined to walk that way until I found it; damned if I was going back to ask. Now a new anxiety began to creep in, since it was now very late at night and the part of town I was in looked none too friendly. Thankfully, fate smiled upon me, and I came upon the hotel after only about ten minutes of walking. I braced myself for whatever was to come, and walked in.<br> <br> Part III<br> <br> The lobby of the hotel was fairly small, with pairs of cushy chairs lining the glass walls. I approached the woman standing behind the long reference desk. She put on her best friendly face and introduced herself as Cindy, and asked if there was anything she could do for me. I took my best shot: “Is this somewhere I can just... stay for a little while?” <br> <br> Her look told me that I hadn't expressed myself clearly enough. I hastily told her my story, why I was in town and how I ended up in her hotel at two in the morning. “Wow...” she muttered. “Why was she driving?” <br> <br> “I didn't really think she was high,” I replied, and it was somewhat true. <br> <br> Cindy still understandably seemed to regard me with a bit of skepticism. She didn't seem keen on letting me stay in her lobby forever, but she said I could sit there for a while. I was more interested in chatting with my new acquaintance, and I asked whether it were alright if I stood at the desk and talked to her, or if I should sit my ass down. She looked bewildered. “That's a sit-your-ass-down face,” I decided, and plopped down on one of the chairs against the wall. <br> <br> The distance didn't keep me from conversation with Cindy. It already seemed like the scene with the cops was in the distant past, and now I was reminded of the mixture of psychoactives massaging my brain. The MDMA made me sociable and honest, the LSD put me in a peaceful state of mind, and the cannabis gave the whole thing a slightly surreal twist. I was fascinated by what I was able to do. If I had been in that lobby sober, I wouldn't have uttered a word to her. I would've replied to what she was saying, but I wouldn't have taken any pleasure in the conversation. But as it was, I was beginning to clean bits of her life story. She had a boyfriend, and he had a son from a previous marriage. The ex-wife, the boy's mother, was rather insane, and made life difficult for all of them by her constant intrusion. Cindy had to work the late shifts at the hotel, which obviously interfered with her family life. However, she had an interview for some sort of management position in the hotel. She was experienced, and she liked her odds. My soaring empathy elevated this woman in my eyes; I was happy and proud for her that she was so capable and determined. I assured her that she and her family would be fine and that I was proud of her. <br> <br> Before long, though, we had a visitor. A taxi pulled up in front of the hotel, and a rugged brown-haired man in his 40s stumbled out of the cab and into the lobby. He was beyond drunk; he staggered up to Cindy and leaned over the desk for support as he explained his situation.<br> <br> “I need... to pay the cab driver, and Imma get a room.”<br> “Alright,” Cindy replied. “You should go do that, then.”<br> The man paused. “I needa pay the cab driver, and then I'm gonna get a room.”<br> Cindy wasn't blinking. “Alright, well, you should go do that, then.”<br> Pause. “I don't have any money.”<br> Cindy was handling the situation with the measured patience of a woman who had done this many times before. “How were you going to get a room, then?” she asked calmly.<br> “Oh... I have a card, but I need cash for the cab. He don't take cards.”<br> “How much is the fare?”<br> “Five dollars.”<br> <br> His words hung in the air for a few seconds, when I hopped up out of my chair and approached him while reaching for my wallet. “Here, man, just take this,” I said as I handed him a bill. “Go give this to the driver and we'll figure the rest out in here.”<br> <br> Once the cab was taken care of, a new problem arose. The man had no form of identification on him, which meant he wasn't allowed to get a room. He would have get another cab, which meant braving a walk to the ATM a few blocks away. Cindy explained that it was near a White Castle, and his face brightened. “Listen, do you guys want any White Castle?” he drawled. Cindy and I shook our heads. “Well, I'm gonna get us some anyway,” he said, each word slowly uttered without ever changing the look of his face. I asked if he could check out the scene around the White Castle to see if there was a wreck there, or police cars. I figured this was a longshot. And away he went, thanking us for our help and confirming the directions as he left. “We'll never see him again,” Cindy said as she lit up a cigarette.<br> <br> Cindy and I resumed our conversation after the man left. I found out that she had been diagnosed with cancer when she was a teenager, but had luckily made a full and relatively quick recovery. After I expressed my congratulations, her voice lowered. “Actually, though... they think I might have it again,” she said with the voice of a person sharing a secret. “In my colon.”<br> <br> As she described the various medical procedures that led to this hypothesis, I was struck by three things in particular. I strongly got the impression that this new cancer was something she hadn't told many people about. It was certainly very recent, and private; yet here was this woman spilling all of this to a stranger clearly out of his gourd. I was also surprised at the frankness of her descriptions. Examinations relating to colon cancer are obviously a very private matter that people would typically shy away from relating, yet once again, here she was telling it all to a stranger. And finally, I was impressed with her composure. She delivered the news of this latest cancer almost as if it were a joke, like and-as-if-my-life-weren't-fucked-enough, and I never detected any fear on her face or in her words. My curiosity won out.<br> <br> “Cindy, you seem really... calm about all of this. Aren't you freaked out, or scared?”<br> “Well, the way I see it, I already beat this thing once so I have that going for me. And if it ends up being the death of me then, well, I guess it'll kill me.”<br> I was in awe of this person before me, who had just confidently delivered a big fuck-you to death. We will all die, and most of us will come to peace with this fact before our time. I imagine that most who are able to achieve this do so by simple acceptance. They realize that it's a part of life, and they can control how to approach it. Some remove the taboos, appreciate it, joke about it. Death can't be defeated by fighting, but only by laughter.<br> <br> After this talk, Cindy began walking to the front door to have a cigarette outside. I remained sitting. There was a small part of my old introverted self that didn't think she'd want to have me around while she smoked. But before Cindy opened the door, she looked at me and said “well, aren't you coming outside?” I smiled hugely and followed her out. It was such a morale boost to have someone truly desire my company. Outside, it was colder than it had been all night, but my psychedelic jacket kept out the chill. Cindy and I continued talking, and when replying to a question I had asked, she broke off mid-sentence. “Oh my god,” she said. “He's back.”<br> <br> And indeed, the man from the cab had returned. He hadn't sobered up one bit, and in each hand he was carrying a massive White Castle bag. I greeted him excitedly, and asked whether he had the cash for another cab. He looked at me with glassy eyes, and replied “naw... I couldn't find the ATM.” I shook my head and without any surprise in my voice, I asked him to come inside and sit down and we'd figure something out.<br> <br> From here, the night finally began to come to a close. We decided to call another cab for the man and let them figure it out when it got here. My girlfriend called me to tell me she was close and to make sure she was in the right place. I was having a lot of fun with Cindy, but I was elated to get that call. I was drained. The MDMA was finally beginning to wear off, and I could tell I was on the acid comedown as well. I didn't “crash”, but it was now very late and I had spent the last several hours partying or stressed. I wanted to sleep in my bed, try to put this day behind me. Thoughts of my friends came flooded my mind, and I saw them alone in jail, with no way of knowing what would happen to them next. I felt survivor's guilt, though I chided myself for it. My best friend from high school is pretty reliably awake late into the night, and I texted him to explain the situation and to ask him to find out potential penalties for what my friends were arrested for. My heart sank when I heard that Jerry's MDMA could land him up to a year in jail, and I hoped once more that he had eaten it.<br> <br> Soon afterward, my girlfriend arrived. I was overwhelmed with gratitude, love, relief when I saw her. While Cindy was in the back office typing something up, I hastily wrote her a card thanking her for her kindness and wishing her good luck on her interview the next day. I shouted a goodbye to my new friend, got into my girlfriend's car, and finally drove away.<br> <br> Epilogue<br> <br> The next day, I walked to my bank and emptied out my account. Evelyn's bond was $500, and I had just over that in savings. A friend and I drove to the town the next day intent on freeing her, but when we arrived we were told that she was already gone. When I inquired about Jerry, I was informed that his bond has been posted as well. A bit confused, we returned home. We found out that both of them had been freed by their parents, and were waiting at home. The legal details began to emerge. I won't bore you with the details, but in the end, Evelyn got a DUI and a few months of probation, while Jerry is on a diversion program. Assuming he passes all of his drugs tests for three months, the charges will be dropped and erased from his record.<br> <br> That night obviously left a great impact on me. Each main part of the evening taught me a particular set of lessons, it seemed. <br> <br> At the concert, I was finally freed of my inhibitions and had what I still call the time of my life. I discovered an appreciation of dancing that was particularly infectious the first few days afterward, when I just felt like dancing everywhere I went. It was as if I could feel the rhythm (or, rather, the beat) of the universe. I still get a sense that all of these aftereffects were largely the result of one moment at the show, when I just Got It. It was sublime, perfect peace and bliss. It was an amazing feeling of appreciation of everything and especially everyone around me, connectedness with the ground I was standing on, awash in the goodness of humanity.<br> <br> I suppose you might expect me to say the the crash scared me straight... unfortunately, you'd be wrong. But there was a lot I took away from it. First of all, my single piece of advice to anyone reading this is to absolutely minimize the time you spend with drugs on you in a vehicle. When you're in your house, you're in one small spot where the police never are. When you're driving, you put yourself in the situation to cover the most possible ground while the most possible police cars are also covering the most possible ground. And if you have the misfortune of being young, male, and especially not-white, you're at an even higher risk. And while I'm not here to criticize high drivers - I feel safe riding with a number of friends when they're stoned and trust their abilities - this is as good a time as any to reflect on your high driving, whether you honestly think it impacts your reaction time or anything like that. If you are a great high driver, then knock yourself out. But a little self-honesty can keep you safe in unexpected ways.<br> <br> When I was at the motel waiting, I had the unique (for me) opportunity of going through the entire friendmaking process in only a few hours. For someone who has always had difficulty speaking to strangers, the memory of that is invaluable. I was able to draw on that experience, and not only did it make it easier for me to communicate with others, I began to truly find pleasure in it. I felt like my barriers were broken down, and I realized that those barriers were only put up by me to keep myself from having any fun.<br> <br> After having an experience like that, it is sometimes difficult to understand how people could not be lining up to have one like it. One person I talked to said that he didn't want the euphoria that came from a chemical like MDMA, but rather he found his joy through love, beauty, etc. It was only a few weeks later (always too late on a good comeback) that I found a quote from Jonathan Ott, author of the Psychedelic Encyclopedia: “we're all on drugs, all of the time.” It may be an oversimplification to say that oxytocin is the “love hormone,” but it does play a role our subjective experience of many aspects of love. But what makes his oxytocin-based love more valuable and true than my MDMA-based love? Our emotions are made possible by the cocktail of endogenous drugs flowing throughout each of our brains. What matters is what you feel, and if you feel it, it's real. The experience I had that night was real, and it was powerful. The drug was responsible for the effects on my mind that night alone, but the long-lasting changes the experience left only occurred because I allowed myself to grow from the experience. The MDMA, LSD, and cannabis were tools – indispensable ones, in this case, but tools nonetheless. They allowed me to improve my mind within its own framework. <br> And in spite of the crash, the worry, and the fear, I still count it as one of the best nights of my life. It's psychonaut wisdom that bad trips are often the best ones, because you learn more about yourself during a turbulent psychedelic experience than during a happier one. Myself and others in the psychedelic community often forget that the principle is only an instance of a larger truth: that difficult times and risky situations not only show you who you are, but by pushing the boundaries of experience, you show yourself what you are capable of.<!-- End Body --> <br><br style="clear:both;"> <table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata"> <tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 89042</td></tr> <tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td>Published: Feb 2, 2012</td><td>Views: 132,523</td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=89042&format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=89042&format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ] [ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ] </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2">Police / Customs (60), Cannabis (1), LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Various (28), Relationships (44), Hangover / Days After (46), Music Discussion (22), Nature / Outdoors (23), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr> <!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> --> </table> </div>