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What did the two tampons have in common? They were both stuck up bitches

Why is Saturn like your balls?? Because it is in between jupeter an your anus.

FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr

My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.

I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.

I tried googling Wiz Khalifa ... But all I found was MIa Khalifa peeing .

I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party ? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.

What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D

Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka

How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

A bird pooped on my head today...Am I gonna die? I mean, I'm kinda worried about getting sick from it but mostly I hope this made someone's day.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch? Phil

Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I'm a terrible singer, I have two left throats

How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other's sentences

TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful

Well, I had to break up with the baker i've been dating She was just too kneady

You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.

My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.

Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!

What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored? He racism.

The Donner Party Diet Breakfast: Jacks Lunch: Franks Dinner: Patties

What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!

Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.

The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.

Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.

"Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself." *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.

They called their son Honest Abe, because he was honest. They called their daughter Bloody Mary...

Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.

How do you double the price of a Fiat? Fill the tank

Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."

What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless!

Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting? He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...

new iPhone 7 son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7 Dad: What is the magic word? son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case?

What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw it in 21 to shoot the bulb.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.

What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk

What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard.

Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?

A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.

What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan.

The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products

The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.

Don't touch my twat my itchy twitchy twat .... Miley Cyrus. Ba dum tish

When a woman says "WHAT did you just say?" say something different.

Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium

How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.

me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend

My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.

What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw

NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You're welcome.

What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Funeral Home Barbie ...complete with hearse coffin and kicky little shroud

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.

I think r/jokes may be glitched Top of all time and new both show the same jokes

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.

I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.

Pork is awesome, but it's best when used as a verb.

[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP OCTOPUS: They're tentacles COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude COP: Just go. I give up.

If you're reading this you're probably addicted to the internet. And by internet, I mean Facebook.

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.

What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.

What do you call a German with a bad attitude? A sour Kraut.

Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.

I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.

When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being fucking awesome at everything."

''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.

How do you know you sister is on her period? Dad's cock tastes like blood.

McDonald's french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.

The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.

Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb

What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!

Why does an elephant have 4 Feet? Because it would look ridiculous with 8 inches.

What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.

[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad

What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky

What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.

Don't look out of the window Betty people will think it's Halloween.

I'm trying to explain Twitter to this cop. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.

Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.