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short_jokes

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Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me Steve' he said in the letter. 'Why?' asked his mother in her reply. 'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me' he wrote back.

Do hamburgers make good vampires? No because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!

Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail. ^-- ^Ed ^Byrne

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF! He was gone, without a tres.

Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes.

A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.

My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"

Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy? Well it's true, you are what you eat.

They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan

Don't you just hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.

My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!

*nose hairs growing out of control *buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."

I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded "yeah, and you have the same problem at home"

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter

What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm

What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.

What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? "It's a Moray."

I submitted 10 of my best puns to a Joke competition expecting at least 1 to win, but... No pun in ten did..

Shoutout to people who don't know what the opposite of in is. I'll give you some time for this one.

Did you guys know that water can talk? Water you talking about?

ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw on a light bulb? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

If chopsticks were really better than a fork... ...wouldn't we be digging ditches with pool cues?

First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing... H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!

Thank god I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 500 times a day.

Jared Fogle was guilty and got 16 years He was just grateful for anything under 18. Credit to SNL that joke might have converted me to watch.

What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni

This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I'll raise my dog however I like.

A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.

Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

[date gets back from the bathroom] those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids? "kids?"

I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.

I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis... But they were just arguing semitics.

Pavlov's doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: "Shit, I need to feed the dogs!"

What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.

HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.

When I was 8 years old, my dad got me with the worst dad joke ever. He said he was going to the store and would be back soon...

Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer

What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them

Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

What did the Mexican say when I pushed him on the lawn? Grassy Ass!

I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk

What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.

Have you ever seen those "Give a penny, take a penny" things at convenience stores??? that makes no cents

Me: .... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

I bet if I were a MAN Apple wouldn't tell me my password ideas are weak.

if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like "do you know why i pulled you over?"

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you'd like one because you're an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

I'm sorry, Black Lives Matter is actually a peaceful and forward thinking movement that our society needs... Now if you could all stop sending me death threats on twitter that would be great.

My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

Someone should invent a version of Twitter for people who spell things like rappers. They could call it "twita". Dat would b nize

NSFW Men are like a deck of cards... You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his fucking face in and a spade to bury the bastard!

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Yes, life is meaningless, but some of the food is decent.

"You know what." -- They.

I don't like drive-thru's I think it's money out the window.

What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train

Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage

THE HORROR! *splat THE TRAGEDY! *splat IT'S AWFUL! *splat SO MUCH BLOOD! *splat WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! *splat -It's raining men.

What the quickest way to a mans heart? Though his chest with a knife

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Where do you find an enlightened mosquito? In Bhuddapest

Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife. "Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs... One says to the other "should we stop and outnumber them?" ...   "keep running you fool we're brothers!!"

I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately.

What do you call it when two designers argue about what file type to export a graphic to? Getting into a bit of a .tiff!

A doctor reaches into his pocket and finds his rectal thermometer He says "Shit, some asshole took my pen!"

how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)

How do skeletons reproduce? They bone.

Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd

How do you make an Amish woman happy? Three Men-A-Night

Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery

If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.

I know dream catchers don't work because I've never seen one in a car worth more than two thousand dollars.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.

When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game? Before first period

What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea

At my last checkup the doctor said he needed a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample ... ... I said " Doc, I can speed this along - I'll just leave you my underwear !"

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say? Who farted?

Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!

Taking calculus has made me want to become Prime Minister of a European country Then I can just throw money at problems instead of trying to integrate them.

My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities