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unprocessed-seinfeld-scripts

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1995-02-09

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BEARD </b> Written by Carol Leifer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. I need a lesson. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You stink. You know you stink. What is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. My ballet tickets. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. Your ballet tickets. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, have you ever been to the ballet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but I've seen people on tiptoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, I'm going as a beard. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A beard? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably <b> </b><b> </b> gorgeous, of course he's gay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's <b> </b><b> </b> afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are you doing this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Swan Lake, at the Met. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, is George still wearing that toupee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think he looks fantastic. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I never realized what an attractive man he is. <b> </b><b> </b> George enters, wearing a toupee. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You look ridiculous in that thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a *little* bit worried that you may have missed the boat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with <b> </b><b> </b> my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the <b> </b><b> </b> coifed. I'm a player. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this <b> </b><b> </b> morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can <b> </b><b> </b> go out with her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what about me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No I think he's got you beat buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So she's gorgeous. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well have you got a picture? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I have to see her. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works over at the police station. He's a <b> </b><b> </b> composite artist. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. I think he will. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It sounds like an excellent idea. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to a homeless person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to see how those sketch artists do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here you go brother. Some food for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> Thank you. You're a good man. Bless you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now are you going to be here in an hour? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> Where am I going? <b> </b> (commercial) <b> </b> At the police station. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's that nut? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> Almond? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pouty? I like that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't go wrong with pouty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm excited about the pouty. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> All right I think that about does it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right George, come on, take a look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. You want to meet her? <b> </b><b> </b> Walking down the street. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the police woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, man. Enjoy the food? <b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Woah, woah, that's mine. <b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> You gave it to me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't give away tupperware. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> You should have said something. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At the ballet. <b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> I've really got to thank you for this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well by now, you think people would be a little more open minded. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> Really. Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS' WIFE </b> So, um, you and Robert. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes indeed. <b> </b><b> BOSS </b> I'm surprised. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really. Why? <b> </b><b> BOSS </b> No reason. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a *one* *woman* *man*, if <b> </b><b> </b> you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his <b> </b><b> </b> sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in <b> </b><b> </b> watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just <b> </b><b> </b> come together to make him the very special guy that he is. <b> </b> Robert comes back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi honey. <b> </b> Elaine grabs Robert and kisses him. <b> </b> At Monk's. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh it was such a great night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And did they suspect anything? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him honey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh it was such a great night. Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You said that already. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh I did? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's incredible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not conversion. You're thinking conversion? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well it did occur to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget <b> </b><b> </b> about it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? Is it irrevocable? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We've got a good team. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, we do. We do have a good team. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why can't he play for us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're only comfortable with *their* equipment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We just got along *so* great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I realize that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you that desperate? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes I am. <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's settled. First date, no weapons... All right <b> </b><b> </b> I'll see you then... Okay, bye. <b> </b> Kramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you looking for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Tupperware. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry. I don't have any tupperware. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because <b> </b><b> </b> I have no Tupperware. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about a plastic bag? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You must be kidding. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is the difference? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness. <b> </b><b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, you talked to her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah well we go way back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't anything happen between you two? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who's to say it didn't? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So did you describe yourself to her over the phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes I did. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say to her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you think I said? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told her the truth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> As you see it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, as I see it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What hat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, you're little hair hat there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you think she could tell? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You only think that because you know me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you noticed people staring at your head? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go over there bald, I never would have <b> </b><b> </b> introduced him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, I guarantee she won't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'll split a cab with you. <b> </b> Walking down the street. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer drops something into the man's cup. <b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> Hey that's my coffee! <b> </b> At the police station <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Sarge. <b> </b><b> TIERNEY </b> Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our lineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of you guys want to be in <b> </b><b> </b> the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure. I will. <b> </b><b> TIERNEY </b> Perfect. Just go over there with officer Lampert. <b> </b><b> </b> In the lineup room. <b> </b> 6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer. <b> </b><b> OVER THE SPEAKER </b> All of you, turn to the left. <b> </b> Everyone turns left. Kramer turns right. <b> </b><b> OVER THE SPEAKER </b> The left. <b> </b> Kramer turns left. <b> </b><b> OVER THE SPEAKER </b> Now turn to the right. <b> </b> Kramer turns to the right doing a "hokey pokey" dance. <b> </b> At Monk's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the face, just like the picture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DENISE </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you. <b> </b><b> DENISE </b> Likewise. Have you been waiting long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DENISE </b> Good, good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile. <b> </b><b> </b> Camera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is still on George. His expression changes to surprise. <b> </b><b> </b> At the police station. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> TIERNEY </b> A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIERNEY </b> If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here. A certain cast member of Melrose <b> </b><b> </b> Place. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really. <b> </b><b> TIERNEY </b> Have you ever seen the show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> TIERNEY </b> You can admit it Jerry. It's okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I admit it. I don't watch it. <b> </b><b> TIERNEY </b> Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The poly? <b> </b><b> TIERNEY </b> Yeah. I think you've seen it. <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Melrose Place? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. Melrose Place. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just didn't know you watched that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well maybe I was a little embarrassed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? Why were you so embarrassed? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what are you going to do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our <b> </b><b> </b> time. Who better to advise me? <b> </b> Elaine takes a drink of something. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh god this tastes terrible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you shake it up? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gotta shake it up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and his wife. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So tonight are you going to make the move? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I think I might. <b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's an interesting question. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How so? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean bald? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's bald? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's bald. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh come on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was (waving his hand over his <b> </b><b> </b> head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well maybe she got a haircut or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says "Give me the Larry Fine." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Women go bald? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You fixed me up with a bald woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer flinches. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bald? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No I'm not. I *was* bald. <b> </b> Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine. <b> </b> Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the <b> </b><b> </b> toupee and runs to the window. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> She tosses the toupee out the window. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nooooo. <b> </b> He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Outside. <b> </b> The homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee. He puts it on. <b> </b><b> </b> At Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I figured that's what couples do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> You almost convinced me we were a couple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well it was easy. Really. <b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> Upstairs? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Upstairs? <b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> Elaine... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was hoping you know, that you might be interested in... changing teams? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> Changing teams? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have you ever thought about it? <b> </b><b> ROBERT </b> But I'm a starting shortstop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Monk's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to <b> </b><b> </b> me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a <b> </b><b> </b> pleasure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good to have you back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's as good as anybody else. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Going to need a little more coffee here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So George, how do I beat this lie detector? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it. <b> </b><b> </b> Outside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I did it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I turned him. He defected. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> boom. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said "Too <b> </b><b> </b> bad he's gay". <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, I have *hit* the jackpot. <b> </b><b> </b> The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping. <b> </b> At the police station. <b> </b> Kramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk into the room. They stand there for a few <b> </b><b> </b> moments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left. He then tilts his head a few times to the man <b> </b><b> </b> on his left. <b> </b> Elsewhere at the police station. <b> </b> Jerry is hooked up to the polygraph. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> What's your name? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> What is your address? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 129 West 81st street. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b> Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the paper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b> Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney <b> </b><b> </b> look at each other. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> Did Jane sleep with Michael again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked <b> </b><b> </b> her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's <b> </b><b> </b> crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad. <b> </b><b> </b> He picks up his coat and leaves. <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He went back? What do you mean he went back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He went back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, <b> </b><b> </b> thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same <b> </b><b> </b> expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire <b> </b><b> </b> lives. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't. That's why they lose very few players. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well there's always a place for you, on our team. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey George, I am *really* proud of you. I really do admire what you've done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is the matter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman <b> </b><b> </b> with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. You <b> </b><b> </b> blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. Didn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on. <b> </b><b> </b> Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug. <b> </b><b> </b> (commercial) <b> </b> At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. You'd better <b> </b><b> </b> straighten up and fly right buddy boy. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in. Come here. Do you recognize anybody in the <b> </b><b> </b> lineup? <b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> That's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle. The tall guy with the, with the high <b> </b><b> </b> hair. I'd recognize him anywhere. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey you, you with the high hair, step forward. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Beard Script

1995-02-23

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE DOORMAN </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You remember a few years ago in New York, we had the doorman strike? They have a union, in the fancy buildings, and they went out on strike. Now you wouldthink, if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would be like without them, it would be doormen. (as belligerent doorman) "Let's see how they do without us!" There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in, it's... you know. Who's gonna walk out next? The guys who clean your windshield at the traffic light, with the dirty rag? (as window washer) "We demand shorter yellows, and longer reds!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) <b> </b> Jerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators. A doorman, stood <b> </b> reading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone to the doorman's <b> </b> voice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns to Jerry) May I help you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> (unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward Jerry) No-one here by that <b> </b> name. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Oh. House-sitting, mmm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I just go up? <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I <b> </b> should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes the button <b> </b> for one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it to arrive. The <b> </b> doorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the unfriendly smile on <b> </b> his face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator is still not <b> </b> moving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How 'bout those Knicks? <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Oh, I see. On the sports page... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> ...What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I <b> </b> know, because I'm the uneducated doorman. <b> </b> Jerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the elevator will come <b> </b> and rescue him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> George and Kramer walk along together. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, you think your parents'll get back together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes this <b> </b> kasha, it stinks up the whole house. <b> </b> Kramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with a German flag <b> </b> painted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front of George and <b> </b> brings them to a halt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, George, stick 'em up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real <b> </b><b> </b> New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill. <b> </b> Kramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm, giving the <b> </b> impression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Awright, hands up, porky! <b> </b> On the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They look out the <b> </b> window at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer is feeling through <b> </b> George's pockets with his free hand. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy! <b> </b><b> </b> The tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on the glass. Kramer <b> </b> grabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, that's enough. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll tell you when it's enough! (he releases George) Alright, now you <b> </b><b> </b> better not say anything, or I'll stalk you! <b> </b> Kramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've witnessed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Pitt's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine admits Jerry to the apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What time does <b> </b> he get off? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary <b> </b> noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (unhappy) I... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll still make the movie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (accepting) Okay, okay. <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously look at their <b> </b> watches. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> George and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is in a shirt, <b> </b> mixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What'd you do today, dad? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich Village. I bought this record, <b> </b> but I can't seem to find the hi-fi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't have a hi-fi. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Didn't I give you my old record player? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to Cosmo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Cosmo? Who's Cosmo? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm Cosmo. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Well, I want it back. I wanna listen to that cha-cha record. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (coming back in) Alright, alright. Can we go out and eat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (putting down the bowl) Lemme change my shirt. <b> </b><b> </b> George and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank unfastens his <b> </b> shirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso exposed as the <b> </b> shirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George looks horrified, <b> </b> and puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Pitt's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window, holding the <b> </b> curtain open and looking down at the street. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar. <b> </b><b> </b> The phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves to answer it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, don't... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine looks exasperated. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (quietly) Give that to me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland? <b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (concerned) Elaine, are you having a party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is peering out of the window again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, he just left. We can go. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (stern) Because there's to be no entertaining while I'm gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Believe me, we're not entertained. We were just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh, <b> </b><b> </b> can you grab those empty bottles for me. <b> </b> Jerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by the desk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I need to know what's in the mail. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait. We're trying <b> </b> to catch a movie. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (resolute) Well, you better catch the later show, because I need to <b> </b> know what's in the mail. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave. <b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) <b> </b> Jerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There is a new doorman on <b> </b> duty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the door open for him. <b> </b> Jerry nods and smiles back, and leaves. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Pitt's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread out on the <b> </b> floor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's benefit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new People... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Jerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands a familiar <b> </b> figure. The doorman still has the attitude problem. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Hey, buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building <b> </b> too? <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the table <b> </b> for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come home and <b> </b><b> </b> stand outside your own building? <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> You got a problem with that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk to you. <b> </b><b> </b> Goodbye. <b> </b> Jerry walks away. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> (calling after Jerry) You really think you're better than me, don't <b> </b> you?! <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George is wearing a <b> </b> purple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks as if he might <b> </b> never want to eat again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My father opened his shirt... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (matter of fact) He had breasts. <b> </b> George nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on eating. Jerry <b> </b> thinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What d'you mean, breasts? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (waves his hands) Big breasts! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? A lot of older men have that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, not these. These were real hooters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry pulls a face at the thought. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like father <b> </b><b> </b> like son? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But, your father's not bald. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your <b> </b><b> </b> grandfather. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother. <b> </b><b> </b> George snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry. He continues to <b> </b> look deeply worried. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging <b> </b> around. He should wear something for support. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean like a bra? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment <b> </b> specifically designed for men. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, that brain never stops working, does it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making her way to the <b> </b> door, as she passes the booth she notices George. <b> </b><b> BUXOM WOMAN </b> (indicating her shirt with her finger) Hey, we're twins. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (thinking she means the breasts) What!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUXOM WOMAN </b> Our shirts. They're the same. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Huh, imagine that. <b> </b> The woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over to Jerry. She's <b> </b> not happy about something. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Nothing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and started <b> </b><b> </b> harassing him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do to him? <b> </b> 'Cos I asked him about the Knicks? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, did you make the movie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when I come by? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, we do. <b> </b> Elaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George is holding the <b> </b> neck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the garment at his <b> </b> chest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body, to see if <b> </b> there's any movement. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is wrong with George? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's... trying to get something off his chest. <b> </b><b> </b> George ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his wallet to pay the <b> </b> cheque. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (agitated) Alright, I gotta try and talk my mother into taking him off <b> </b><b> </b> my hands. <b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) <b> </b> Jerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman standing <b> </b> inside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Help you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed to be <b> </b><b> </b> gone. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had some personal affairs to <b> </b> attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each other. We don't <b> </b> stab each other in the back, like people in your world. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I don't have <b> </b><b> </b> a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them. I'd <b> </b> really just like to be friends. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> You wanna be friends? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd like to be. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Then watch the door for a minute, would you? <b> </b><b> </b> The doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> It's not brain surgery. You open the door for people who live here. <b> </b> And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his hat) Here. <b> </b> (putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> The doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which he's not thrilled <b> </b> about wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator open, and a <b> </b> young woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit. After a second, <b> </b> Jerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door to allow the woman <b> </b> to leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past Jerry into the <b> </b> elevator vacated by the woman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. Wait a second. Hey! Hello! <b> </b><b> </b> The man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street door opens and <b> </b> another, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. GREEN </b> (indignant) Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty years. <b> </b> Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the building, but he <b> </b> looks resentful about it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (after the guy) You think you're better than me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Bus) <b> </b> George is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street, it rattles, <b> </b> shakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport. George is <b> </b> strap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might be some <b> </b> movement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices another guy <b> </b> on the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his coat tight shut, <b> </b> and crosses his arms firmly. <b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) <b> </b> Jerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper. A FedEx <b> </b> delivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and scans a barcode <b> </b> on it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches, <b> </b><b> </b> disinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits for something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DELIVERY GUY </b> (indicating) You have to sign for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right. <b> </b> Jerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then goes back to the <b> </b> newspaper. <b> </b><b> DELIVERY GUY </b> (with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah. <b> </b> The FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude. Jerry puts <b> </b> the paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's no sign of the <b> </b> doorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing it with a wave of <b> </b> the hand as he moves to the elevator. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> Frank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable record player. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. I uh, brought back your record player, huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Thank you, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (indicating a chair) Put it over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the couch, not moving <b> </b> very easily. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, how you feeling? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Tired. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh huh. Your back hurt? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How did you know? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's obvious, you know. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up <b> </b><b> </b> there. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (looks down, and indicates his chest) Up here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) Listen, Frank, have you ever <b> </b> considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. (reaches into his <b> </b> pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype. <b> </b> Kramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated fabric. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You want me to wear a bra?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. A bra is for ladies. <b> </b> Kramer holds the garment up to his own chest. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Meet, the bro. <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle's Car) <b> </b> Estelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So, is your father excited about coming home? <b> </b><b> </b> George is miles away. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (broaching a subject) Hey mom. What kind of woman was grandma? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know. You get to a certain point, you wanna know about your <b> </b> roots. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> She was a lovely woman. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yuh. What about physically? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Physically? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, you've seen pictures. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself) You can't tell much from those pictures. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Big? No, just my height. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bosomy? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother was bosomy?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (trying to laugh it off) No, I was just wondering. The information could <b> </b> be relevant. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Where do you get your genes from?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself) That's what I'd like to know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elevator, Mr. Pitt's Building) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry ride down. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe you left your post. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He left me there. You see the mind games? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants standing <b> </b> around, and a uniformed cop taking notes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to one of the tenants) Hey, what's up? What's going on here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TENANT 1 </b> Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine look shocked. <b> </b><b> TENANT 2 </b> Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> Frank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player. Frank and Kramer <b> </b> are half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer stands behind <b> </b> Frank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and George and Estelle <b> </b> enter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and look stunned. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (shocked) Oh, my god! <b> </b> George is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind a relatively <b> </b> unfazed Frank. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> The lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's red dress, <b> </b> give a very noirish look to the scene. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What were you doing watching the door anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He asked me to. We were getting along. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman <b> </b> knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell Mr. <b> </b> Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets stolen? <b> </b><b> </b> Maybe he's setting me up! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think. I gotta <b> </b> think. We gotta get our story straight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, well what if we say... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em. You came <b> </b> to pick me up... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I came to pick you up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. That's what I just said. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. I was just... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, well. Just, start again, then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, you came to pick me up at... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You see? Again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? I said right. <b> </b> Elaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But the doorman's gonna say that I was there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I don't know if this is gonna work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story. We'll be <b> </b> fine. Let me do the talking! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good. Now fix me a drink. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> Frank has his shirt back on, over the bro. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How's that feel? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> This feels very comfortable. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You see? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I feel ten years younger. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. Look at you. <b> </b><b> </b> Frank walks a few paces. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> And I can breathe easier, too. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now, you have <b> </b> a friend in the bra business, right? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (claps his hands) Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be me, you <b> </b> and the bro, bro. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Let's do it! <b> </b> Kramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Except, we gotta do something about the name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why, what's wrong with bro? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No, bro's no good. Too ethnic. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, you got something better? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How 'bout uh... the mansiere? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mansiere? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's right. A brassiere for a man. The mansiere, get it? <b> </b><b> </b> George enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (upset) Well, you've scared her off. We may never see mom again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Hey George, what d'you like better? The bro, or the mansiere? <b> </b><b> </b> George looks down at the floor for a few seconds. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad. We need to talk. <b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) <b> </b> The unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs. Payton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> I had to use the bathroom, so I asked this guy to watch the door for a <b> </b> few minutes. <b> </b> Behind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls to the elevator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. PAYTON </b> Why should I believe you? <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> (indicating Elaine) Actually, it was her friend. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk to her. Elaine <b> </b> looks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. PAYTON </b> I was just speaking to the doorman here, about the couch robbery. <b> </b><b> </b> The doorman peers over at the conversing <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the doorman <b> </b><b> </b> say? <b> </b><b> MRS. PAYTON </b> He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, <b> </b><b> </b> doesn't he? <b> </b> Meanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter. He brings <b> </b> out the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward Mrs. Payton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Well... what do we have here? Perhaps Miss Benes could explain why a <b> </b> Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to Mrs. Payton) at <b> </b> the exact same time the couch was stolen. <b> </b> Mrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks sick, as she's <b> </b> caught out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (in a rush) He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know <b> </b><b> </b> how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't know <b> </b> how to do anything. <b> </b> The doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet smile of triumph. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. He's <b> </b> playing all these mindgames. <b> </b> The doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an animated Elaine <b> </b> facing them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're saying I'm responsible for the couch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal <b> </b> Express slip with your signature on it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me up from <b> </b> day one! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is it possible we were victims of a sting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry stares off, as he imagines... <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Imagination) <b> </b> In the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand around the <b> </b> unpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN 2 </b> So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch the couch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> No. I was just messing with his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN 2 </b> And they think they're better than us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The doormen whoop it up again <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway, Jerry... Jerry? <b> </b> Jerry snaps back to the here and now. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We have to replace the couch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now we have to buy a new couch?! <b> </b> A thought occurs to George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you gave me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The one with the Poppie stain?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father will have no place to sleep. <b> </b> (snaps fingers) He's gotta move out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But it's got a pee-stain on it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, the cushion's turned over. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (not sure) I guess. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. I get rid of my father. It <b> </b> couldn't be more perfect! <b> </b><b> </b> (Sid Farkus' Office) <b> </b> Sid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer and Frank. Kramer <b> </b> is holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, it's called the bro. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Or, the mansiere. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but I prefer the bro. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I like mansiere. <b> </b> Kramer puts the bro on the desk. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Well, I have to tell you, it's a very interesting idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> You know, selling bras exclusively to women, we're really only utilising <b> </b><b> </b> fifty percent of the market. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (to Kramer) That's what we figured, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Frank) I told you. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> And, to be perfectly frank, I've always felt I could use some support. I <b> </b> know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead in Banlon. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> (indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you see in the back? Hooks? Velcro? <b> </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Definitely velcro. <b> </b> Farkus gives a questioning look to Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Say you're getting intimate with a woman uh, you don't want her fumbling <b> </b> and struggling back there. <b> </b> The three of them chuckle at the thought. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think we've all experienced that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They share a manly laugh. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Summer nights. <b> </b> The laughter continues for a moment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pointing at Farkus) Very funny. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Well, I still have to talk about this to Mr. Degrunmont... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Of course, yes. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> ...But, barring any unforeseen developments, gentlemen, I think we're <b> </b> sitting on a winner. <b> </b> Farkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype and moves <b> </b> toward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> (sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how sorry I am to hear about you and <b> </b> Estelle separating. <b> </b> Kramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in the past. I'm ready to move on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> (thoughtful) I've always been very fond of Estelle. Beautiful woman. I <b> </b> uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would it be okay with <b> </b> you, if I were to ask her out? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (anger) You wanna go out with my wife?! (rage) Where do you get the nerve <b> </b><b> </b> to ask me something like that?! <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer tries to calm Frank down. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I know what you're saying, and I know what you're thinking!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> No, Frank... <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business with this guy. <b> </b><b> </b> Frank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm him down' look and <b> </b> follows Frank out the door. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Frank! <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> Frank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a suitcase. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry took the couch back. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> He took it back? Didn't you tell him I was using it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I pleaded with him. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Where am I supposed to sleep? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. (gleeful) Mom's coming <b> </b><b> </b> to get you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain? <b> </b><b> </b> George waves at Kramer to shut the hell up. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What stain? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George bites his lip and shakes his head. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (disbelief) You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (light) No. No, no, no. The cushion was turned over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (anger) But, the very idea. you had me lying in urine!! <b> </b><b> </b> George flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah! There's mom, there's mom. <b> </b> George races over and opens the door. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Is it safe to come in? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to enter) Of course. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You're not having any of your transvestite parties? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Will you stop it? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (to Kramer) I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on <b> </b> my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover! <b> </b><b> </b> As Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out the record player. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Here, Cosmo... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> ...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it over) I don't need it now... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Awright, I got it. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> ...I got one at home. <b> </b> George is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming from his face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Alright, let's go. <b> </b> Kramer opens the door. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> We'll go out for dinner tonight. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I can't tonight, I'm busy. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What d'you mean, busy? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I'm having dinner with someone. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> With whom? <b> </b> George drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Sid Farkus. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having dinner with a bra salesman. <b> </b><b> </b> George has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready to help carry <b> </b> them out to the car. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't wear 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Frank sits down in a chair. George's face drops. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (upset) But you can't stay here. There's no place to sleep! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> We'll work something out. <b> </b> George drops the cases in disappointment. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> The German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer comes around the <b> </b> corner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman, one of the <b> </b> witnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he passes. She climbs <b> </b> out of the bus and points after Kramer. <b> </b><b> GERMAN WOMAN </b> Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him! <b> </b> Kramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after him. He turns <b> </b> back and continues walking. The other German tourists get off the bus and join <b> </b> the woman as she follows Kramer. <b> </b><b> GERMAN WOMAN </b> Stop that man! It's him. <b> </b> Kramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player, pushing past <b> </b> bystanders as the tourists close on him. <b> </b><b> GERMAN WOMAN </b> Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop, it's him. I know, I know. <b> </b> Help. Stop him. <b> </b> Kramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's trapped by the <b> </b> tourists, who block his escape. <b> </b><b> HORST </b> Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player is not yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, look. Somebody gave it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HORST </b> You're a thief. We have proof. <b> </b> Horst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HORST </b> What is that? <b> </b> Kramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He holds it up <b> </b> against his body, to illustrate his words. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The first upper-body support undergarment, specifically designed for <b> </b> men. <b> </b> One of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the shoulder at <b> </b> Kramer's explanation. <b> </b><b> HORST </b> How does it connect in the back? With a hook? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are all looking much <b> </b> more jovial. <b> </b><b> HORST </b> (to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct German) ...keine problem, ah? <b> </b><b> </b> The tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and the portly German <b> </b> holding the bro up to himself. <b> </b><b> HORST </b> Is gut, ja? <b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby. Mrs. Payton <b> </b> regards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as the delivery men <b> </b> leave. <b> </b><b> MRS. PAYTON </b> Well, I suppose it'll have to do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's a beautiful couch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's hardly been used. <b> </b> Elaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives, and a familiar <b> </b> character steps out and is noticed by Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poppie! <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Oh, hello, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you doing here? <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Visiting my friend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohh. Hey, how you feeling? <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Oh, much better, much better. The doctors say I cannot have no <b> </b> aggravation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just take it easy. See, if I get <b> </b> excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated, was in <b> </b> the restaurant. With your friend. <b> </b> Poppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height. Jerry nods, <b> </b> remembering and in sympathy. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> She start the big fight, about abortion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her approach, and is <b> </b> not happy. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> It's you! It's you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha...? <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> You! I... I gotta sit down! <b> </b> Poppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Poppie! No!! <b> </b> Poppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified expressions, of <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine. <b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> George sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying a small bowl. <b> </b> George puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs into bed whilst <b> </b> keeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank settles back. <b> </b> Picking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when a thought occurs. <b> </b> Carefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George a taste. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Kasha? <b> </b> George looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have fallen onto the <b> </b> bedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's bowl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Thanks, dad. <b> </b> Wearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches off his bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles down beneath the bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches on his bedside lamp. <b> </b> Exasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own face, as Frank continues to eat his kasha. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Doorman Script

1995-03-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE JIMMY </b> Written by Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The New York Health Club. Jerry, Kramer and George are getting dressed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That guy was amazing, he could dunk and he was my height...What <b> </b><b> </b> was his name again? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jimmy <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jimmy, right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno how you could forget . He kept reffering to himself in the <b> </b><b> </b> third person. <b> </b> Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah! your just mad 'cause we beat ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry it's my fault .I couldn't make a shot. These losses they stay <b> </b><b> </b> with me. They (?) Jerry. <b> </b> Now this is gonna plague me.( Puts on aftershave and cries out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> OH! Mother!!! <b> </b> Jimmy walks in <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> HEY! JIMMY!!! ha ha ha........Great game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> OH yeah.......Jimmy played pretty good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey you know, I felt we had like a synergy out there, you know, like we were really helping each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What d'you got there? <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> These? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> These are Jimmy's training shoes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! I've seen these.....they sorta ..they make your legs..stronger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Oh yeah! Jimmy couldn't jump at all before he got these. Jimmy was like you (looks at G.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're Plyometric. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Plyometric? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! They isolate the muscles. The muscle has to grow....or die. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jimmy) Wh...Where d'you get'em? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy sells'em. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You sell them? <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Oh yeah! But Jimmy's all out right now. Moving to Manhattan set Jimmy back a bit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey listen, let me give you my card. It's got my home number on it. I want to buy the first pair when the next shipment comes in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> All right <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right Jimmy Good talking to ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy'll see you around. <b> </b> Jimmy leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday! Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting and now I'm gonna be sweating through the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why. You took a shower? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take. Ten minutes from now, I'll be sweating all over again, I can feel it. I'm a human heat pump! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You should take cold showers. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cold showers? They're for psychotics. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer Well I take 'em........They give me a Whooooosh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I'll see you guys later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, you're heading home? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No...Got dental appointment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah! what.. Tim Whatley? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! How d'you like that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know.. You really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the <b> </b><b> </b> dentist. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh no, you got to eat before surgery, you need your strength. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves. Jerry is speechless. <b> </b><b> SCENE TWO </b> Meeting at Yankee Stadium. <b> </b><b> WILHEM </b> I called this meeting because we......have........a problem. For <b> </b><b> </b> the last few months someone has been stealing equipment from the <b> </b><b> </b> club. Until recently it's been little things, y'know; bases, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> batting helmets, donuts, but two nights ago they pulled the big one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The camera goes back and forth from Wilhem to George who keeps pulling on <b> </b><b> </b> his collar he's sweating. <b> </b><b> WILHEM </b> They took a pitching machine, a batting cage ,the in-field tarp and <b> </b><b> </b> all of Mr Steinbrenner's vitamins.. Now , we have reasons to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> believe it's an inside job. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (still puffing)Whoa!! <b> </b><b> WILHEM </b> If anybody here knows anything about it I recommend strongly <b> </b><b> </b> that...you come forward. <b> </b> Wilhem looks at George who's sweating so much it seems he's hiding <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> something. <b> </b> Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's dental office. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Dr Whatley's running a little late. If you'd like to take a <b> </b><b> </b> seat, I'll call you when he's ready. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> Jerry sits down and browses through the magazine on the table and <b> </b><b> </b> discovers Tim has Penthouse magazines for patients to read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Scene then switches to Jerry's apartment. Elaine is on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Okay. Right. Thanks Mr Pitt....'kay. ..goodbye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry) Hey ! You want to go see The Velvet Fog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Velvet fog? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! Mel Tormé, That's his nickname. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell his a velvet fog. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you wanna go or not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well , where is it?. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's performing at this AMCA benefit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> AMCA? </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Able Mentally Challenged Adults <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Naaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a song. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you..crazy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They get all emotional , they sway. It's embarrassing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh! do you know that <b> </b><b> </b> ..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> club.? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with those... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (interrupting) Elaine , I really don't...............pay much <b> </b><b> </b> attention to men`s faces. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't find beauty in a man? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No... I find them repugnant and unappealing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer bursts in <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pointing Kramer) To wit <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No ,Elaine and I we're just discussing whether I could admit a man <b> </b><b> </b> is attractive. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is an attractive man; Gorge Will. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's smart.... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no I don't find him all that bright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So you got any cavities? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just one....gotta go back.....Oh but get this. Elaine, you will <b> </b><b> </b> appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> got a Penthouse right out on the table. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Penthouse? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that sick. I mean , I'd be <b> </b><b> </b> embarrassed to have that in my apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So what's wrong with that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile <b> </b><b> </b> environment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So... Did you take a look? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course.... But that's got nothing to do with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I'll tell you I'm looking forward to my appointment on <b> </b><b> </b> Thursday. I might even get there a few minutes early. <b> </b> George comes in. Kramer walks out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Hey! listen ... Do one of you guys know that ..that blond guy <b> </b><b> </b> who's always on the exercycle at the health club. You know he's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> just really handsome?.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (head down low) I...I wouldn't know <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily <b> </b><b> </b> make you a homosexual. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It doesn't help <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, I'm gone <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll see you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) You know those shoes that Jimmy had? I cut a deal with <b> </b><b> </b> him. We're gonna import a case of them together. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing that for, you got a job <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's a lot of money in this.. He's got a proven sales method <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! What's that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He jumps! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmt and George <b> </b><b> </b> are gonna get rich. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Will you stop with the Jimmies <b> </b> Kramer takes something out of the fridge <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! What's this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kom Pau(sp? <b> </b> Kramer tastes the chicken but realizes too late how hot and spicy it his <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (gasp_)......Kom Pau........ <b> </b> Elaine at the health club trying to attract the handsome blond guy's attention. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (We hear what she thinks) Look at me....Look at Mee!. Come on. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> stretching right in front of you. Heeeey!! ...a smile. Aah! we made <b> </b><b> </b> contact, all right one more stretch and then go talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Hank leaves as she's ready to make her move. Elaine turns to try to find <b> </b><b> </b> out where he could be and stops when she takes notice of Jimmy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> You know...Jimmy is pretty sweet on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aaaaaahhh! He is?! <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Oh yeah!. Jimmy's been watching you....you're just Jimmy's type. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> AAaaaaahhh! Really?(giggles) <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy hem ..doesn't really know anyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! well I'd like, like to get to know him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy would like to get to know you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha.... <b> </b> Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's office. Kramer is in the chair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WHATLEY </b> Hey! Kramer <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy , you're looking sharp there Tim. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WHATLEY </b> Yeah Well....I do what I can. How've you been. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Euh.. Fine , good , yeah! Just been occupying myself with some of <b> </b><b> </b> your....hem reading material. <b> </b><b> WHATLEY </b> So what'ill it be? Novocaine? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yes, yes indeed. <b> </b><b> WHATLEY </b> Why don't we just clear a path first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> yeah, yeah, lets do that. <b> </b><b> WHATLEY </b> You remember Mr. Thirsty. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right euhhm..... <b> </b> Whatley puts the suction device in Kramer's mouth and loud suctions sounds <b> </b><b> </b> are heard. <b> </b> Scene then cuts back to the health club where Kramer is trying the <b> </b><b> </b> vertical lift shoes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh! You too with these? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (still under the effects of the Novocaine slurrs his words heavily) <b> </b><b> </b> Yeah H'amon board. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what did Tim say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wellhum....He th'aid I gotta cut out the SsssfKittles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Looks like he gave you some Novocaine <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ohhh H'am loaded. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what about the Penthouse. Did you ask him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well he said that humm.. you know.that it helps his pathients relax <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Adults only? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell's going on over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you know its.. great. You know, no kids ..allowed. you don't <b> </b><b> </b> have to watch your language. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You find you need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He..he... When they pull that needle out I let the expletives fly. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer reaches for a glass of water and drinks but manages to have it <b> </b><b> </b> spill out on to the floor <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling all over the floor. How <b> </b><b> </b> much Novocaine did that guy give you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well.. Aye can't hold the water. <b> </b> Jimmy comes in dribbling. <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Oh yeah!! ... Jimmy's ready. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Jimmy <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha..harrr. <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy's got some new moves. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Go Jimmy <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> 'Check Jimmy out <b> </b> Jimmy slips on Kramer's puddle and falls on his back <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN. <b> </b> Scene cuts then comes back with paramedics and Jimmy on a stretcher. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Paramedic (missing a few words) ......was gonna be in traction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy might have a compound fracture.. Jimmy's going into shock!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angrily)WHY WEREN'T YOU MORE CAREFUL <b> WITH YOUR DROOL! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> HEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are you taking this so personally? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George BECAUSE IF HE CAN'T JUMP. THERE GOES MY SNEAKER BUSINESS!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (cries out) WELL I SAID I'M SORRY. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> ( as he gets taken out) JIM....JIMMY <b> WONT FORGET YOU KRAMER... </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY HOLDS GRUDGES. LET JIMMY GO...... </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> BUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING. </b> <b> </b> Kramer is seen running down the street with his vertical lift shoes. He's <b> </b><b> </b> trying to hail a cab. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> HEY TAXI!!!.....TAXI!! </b> <b> </b> An elderly gentleman is after the same taxi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Go ahead, go ahead you got it......(to the driver) He's got it. <b> </b><b> </b> The man is looking him up and down, noticing the shoes and the slurred <b> </b><b> </b> speech. <b> </b> Deensfrei (slowly) Oh! Please, go ahead take it <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No,No...You were here first. <b> </b> Deensfrei No. No I..I insist. I'll grab the next one. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Lets share.. we share....Awight <b> </b> Deensfrei Yes ! Splendid. That's a great idea. <b> </b> Kramer bumps his head as he gets into the cab <b> </b><b> DEANSFREI </b> My name is Arnold Deensfrei. What is your name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Eh!! Cosmo Kramer. Nice to meet you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Deensfrei Very nice to meet you Cosmo. Are you heading home? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (like rainman)Yeah! heading home. <b> </b> Deensfrei Good for you.....You are really independant. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeaheum ... You're not doing too bad yourself <b> </b><b> </b> In a sporting goods store, George tries to make a sale. He is putting on <b> </b><b> </b> the shoes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Argh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here today so he asked me to <b> </b><b> </b> fill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what can <b> </b><b> </b> be accomplished after only a few short days of training.....yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George tries three times to jump but barely lifts a couple of inches off the <b> </b><b> </b> ground. The store personnel gets uninterested quickly and leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Scene cuts to Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (whose voice has returned to normal)THE <b> VELVET FOG!!!! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about the Velvet Fog ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (as she comes in) What about the Velvet Fog? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well...He's singing at a benefit and I'm gonna be sitting at his table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going to that! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm a guest of honor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well this afternoon I shared a cab with this...a hum..Deensfrei. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah! Arnold Deensfrei, he runs the AMCA <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! well ..that's the guy .He's organizing the dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know that but why are you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, because we hit it off and he was very impressed with what I do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What you do!!. You don't do anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well apparently I do something 'cause I'm sitting at the head table with Mr. Mel Tormé <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer sits on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointing at the shoes) What are those? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ehmm ..These are my vertical leap training shoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second ..Where you wearing those shoes in the cab? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! yeah! right after I left the Y. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you see what's happened, he couldn't talk , he's wearing <b> </b><b> </b> these shoes, he's drooling. <b> </b> Kramer. What!!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He thinks you're mentally challenged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well...........you know..... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well ,what happens when you show up . He'll see that you're not.? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not necessarily because..... <b> </b> Scene cuts back to Tim Whatley's dental office. Jerry is sitting in the <b> </b><b> </b> chair. <b> </b><b> WHATLEY </b> Sheryl, would you ready the Nitro(???) please? <b> </b><b> </b> Whatley inhales the gas mask before handing it over to Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! where's Jennifer today? <b> </b><b> WHATLEY </b> OH!! She's over at Dr.Cessman's office. We find it fun to swap now <b> </b><b> </b> and then. <b> </b> Cuts to Yankee Stadium. George is sitting at his desk eating Kam Pau <b> </b><b> </b> chicken. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whhhoooo!!!!(taps on his desk loudly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Phone rings. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Arrrrrrgh!! .. It's George.. Oh! Sports wholesaler. yeah. yeah. .. <b> </b><b> </b> thanks for calling back. No , no , no still got the shoes, still <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> got the shoes. Lots of them. This is.. beautiful athletic gear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Wilhelm enters the office as George is talking on the phone. He seems <b> </b><b> </b> suspicious. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> .....Well. I'm sorry. Call you right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> So George. Have you heard anything about the missing equipment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No!...not...nothing. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George, there's nothing I hate more than a liar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well...there's no room for someone like that in this organization. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Are you feeling all right George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hemmm!.. Fine! <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> You look a little warm. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...It's the chicken <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> You're a terrible liar George. Look at you, you're a wreck!. <b> </b><b> </b> you're sweating bullets. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's the Kom Pau ... George likes his chicken spicy. <b> </b><b> </b> Back in Tim Whatleys office..Jerry wakes up , his vision blurred. He sees <b> </b><b> </b> Whatley and Sheryl getting dressed. <b> </b> Scene cuts to Monks. Jerry and Elaine are talking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe you were hallucinating <b> </b><b> </b> you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. I think they were getting dressed and not only <b> </b><b> </b> that; my shirt was out!!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> your shirt was out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what kind of shirt was it.? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know! Like a tennis shirt. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Well ... You don't tuck those in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well. Were you tucked? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I was tucked.! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right then say you were. I mean .. what do you think could have <b> </b><b> </b> happened.? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no <b> </b><b> </b> tomorrow. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ughhhh <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this guy a dentist or Caligula? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you gettin'? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think I'm hungry: <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay...So you were violated by two people while you were under the <b> </b><b> </b> gas. So What? You're single. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I'm damaged goods now. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Join the club. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, by the way, did you ever call that guy from the health club.? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah! Jimmy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jimmy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ahum! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the guy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't believe your going out with him... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. He's so strange.' <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How so? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you notice he always refer to himself in the third person. <b> </b><b> </b> Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No No... That's not him. That's the guy who gave me... Jimmy's <b> </b><b> </b> number. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's Jimmy. That's the way he talks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going to go see Mel Tormé with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George comes in and sits down with them.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have to go see Steinbrenner later. Mr Wilhelm told him that I <b> </b><b> </b> was the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Cause when he questioned me about it I was sweating from the Kom <b> </b><b> </b> Pau.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken, <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George likes spicy chicken. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ....I like spicy chicken <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no you said George likes spicy chicken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No I didn't <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes you did you said George likes spicy chicken.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're turning in to Jimmy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George is getting upset.. <b> </b> Back at the health club Elaine meets Jimmy who is wearing crutches. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> So what do you want to see Jimmy about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well.... (pointing at him) Jimmy! <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Huh uh... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> About tonight hum.. there's been a little misunderstanding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Ah! ... Jimmy doesn't like misunderstanding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. What happened was.... <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy and misunderstanding kinda clash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (suddenly intrigued) You know, I've never heard anyone talk the way <b> </b><b> </b> you do. It's very unusual. <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Well, Jimmy's very unusual. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well anyway hum.... see when I made the date, I thought that <b> </b><b> </b> Jimmy...... <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Hey look. Hank's got a new boyfriend. Jimmy's not threatened by <b> </b><b> </b> Hanks sexuality ... Jimmy's happy for Hank. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Elaine once tried to convert one but Elaine's not going through <b> </b><b> </b> that again. <b> </b> Scene cuts to The Marriot for the benefit. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm going to try and find some candy. You want some? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What kind? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't care: <b> </b> Jimmy walks in <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Jimmy!! <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> I Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Elaine got a new dress. <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy likes it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's no candy around here. hey! Jimmy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Well look who's here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whooo! <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> That's the guy who sidelined Jimmy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What! <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> That's the guy who took the bread out of Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy's out <b> </b><b> </b> of work because of you.. <b> </b> Jimmy punches Kramer in the mouth. <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Jimmy wants a piece of Kramer..(fighting ensues and Jimmy gets <b> </b><b> </b> taken out by hotel security) <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b><b> JIMMY'S GONNA GET YOU KRAMER!!. HANDS </b><b> OFF JIMMY!!. DON'T TOUCH </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY!! LET GO OF JIMMY!!! </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Keamer's voice starts slurring again) Yeah! My lips swollen? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer sitting at the head table. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No No I've been living alone a long time now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> Well I think that's the tops. <b> </b> We cut back to Yankee stadium in George Steinbrenners office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (knocks) You hem... wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEIN </b> Yes George, come in ,come in. <b> </b> You know George I've been your biggest supporter around here <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and thats why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the equipment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George would never do anything like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEIN </b> 'No why would I. I own it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right! <b> </b><b> STEIN </b> So what are you saying? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why would George steal from the Yankees? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEIN </b> 'He wouldn't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'course not <b> </b><b> STEIN </b> Exactly..................(mumbles) I don't what the hell's going on here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sir? <b> </b><b> STEIN </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (energetically) Well seems it's about time for George's lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEIN </b> Yes it is. Well lets see what I have today. Darn it It's ham &amp; <b> </b><b> </b> Cheese again and she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and <b> </b><b> </b> it would taste pretty good to me. oh! she made it up with a cupcake <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> though. Hey look at this . you know I got a new system for eating <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> these things. `I used to peel off the chocolate now I turn them <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> upside down , I eat the cake first and save the frosting for the <b> </b><b> </b> end. (George stops listening and It's almost like its own <b> </b> dessert............. <b> </b> Scene fades and we go back to the AMCA benefit. <b> </b><b> MEL </b> Ladies and gentlemen....I want to dedicate this song to a very <b> </b><b> </b> courageous young man. <b> </b> (starts singing) <b> </b> When you're smiling, When you're smiling... <b> </b> The whole world smiles with you... <b> </b> When you're laughin', When you're laughin' <b> </b> The sun comes shining through <b> </b> But when you're crying, You bring on the rain <b> </b> So stop that sign. Be happy again <b> </b> Keep on smiling , 'cause when you're smiling <b> </b> The whole world smiles with yooooouuuuuuu <b> </b> The whole world smiles with (with Kramer)yooooouuuuuuu.. <b> </b> On the street Jerry and Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Got the new Penthouse <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's my Mr. Goodbar? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah! here here Listen...Dear Penthouse, I want to tell you about an experience I recently had. As an avid reader I've always wondered if the letters (with Jerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon my hygienist and I decided to have a little fun with one of our patients. Of course none of our patients had any idea exactly of what we were up to. I was still wondering what if ......... (Jerry stops and seems bewildered) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Jimmy Script

1995-04-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE DOODLE </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They call themselves exterminators but they can't really do it. The best they can do is get the bugs to somebody else's house. They just relocate them , y'know what I mean, they're bug realtors is what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll be happy here , there's a lotta crumbs not much light, ahmmm they usually sleep through the night, so you'll really have a (?) of the place. Nobody really cares about killing insects, even the animal rights people don't care. You could probably walk into an animal rights organization meeting and hear a speech like; The only way to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing on animals is (slaps his face)...Ha! Got him , is to boycott these companies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry it's funny, Paula and I actually met because of Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Elaine is in my drawing class at the new school <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ..And I went down there one time to see... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (cuts in) A nude model. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If Elaine wanted to get some coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see <b> </b><b> </b> her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you through? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches and it turns out,they're Paula's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> George, I just like to doodle <b> </b> Jerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth , she just spit them out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on these and put them on the plate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLY </b> Well I didn't know you were gonna eat them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Soo... <b> </b><b> SHELLY </b> I'm sorry you find me so repulsive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's just... <b> </b><b> SHELLY </b> Well, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think I'll just go to the ladies room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> I'll join you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I've done that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but with you it's intentional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Haven't you kissed her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi digested food stuff. You know the next stop <b> </b><b> </b> is the stomach and you can take it from there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George stops a passing busboy <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at his reflection in a coffee pot.) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry; AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is dating , you can't leave anything to chance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big deal about the pecan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hehummm , Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The girls return from the ladies room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLY </b> Well Jerry , I guess we should get going <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah! boy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well , it was very nice meeting you Shelly and Jerry be careful ,there's a lot of nuts out there. <b> </b><b> </b> ( to Paula) All right you have everything? <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Can you grab my purse. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper . he looks annoyed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Monks , next day .George showing Jerry the piece of paper he picked up <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! So <b> </b> George; Don't you see what this is? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! It's a doodle. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose , the ears, all my features are distorted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm grotesque . I look like a troll. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's just a drawing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you see what this says? How can you possibly like somebody ,if you think they look like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine walks in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! (angrily) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is with him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> the usual <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good for you <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two bedroom suite, there , <b> </b><b> </b> for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just so you could stay in a hotel room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. What's this.?. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't ask. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George comes back <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It is.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You enjoying yourself? (More laughs from Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see. You see! Listen when is your next drawing class? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tomorrow . <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I want you to do me a favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I want you to find out is she likes me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Find out if likes you?. What, are you in High School?...George come on can't you just talk to her yourself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, they're in... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's in? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW <b> PEACHES!!!! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year for this.. Oooh this is fantastic.. <b> </b><b> </b> Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus in your mouth.....Take a taste <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, I don't wanna <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on ,Just take a taste <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want it.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on JUST TASTE!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> I DON'T WANT IT .... </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the Aurora Borealis. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry scratches his ankle furiously <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..What is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! I think I got flea bites. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Flea bites? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got a dog? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that is strange. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could I have fleas? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you do about them? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you mean?... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's parents come through the door. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey guys . Jerry . Kramer <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hi Jerry......What's wrong? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mom, Dad.....I have fleas.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's drawing class <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out with George Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> How did you know?? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Everybody knows. y'know George told me he thinks you're totally cute and everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> He said that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha hum...Do you like George? <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Yeaaah! he's cool. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No I mean...Do you like him or do you like him like him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Like like.. looks aren't important to me ,you know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TEACHER </b> Miss Benes , Are you chewing gum? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (nods) HumHummmm.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher turns around she makes a throwing up <b> </b><b> </b> motion at Paula . <b> </b> Later at jerry's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KARL </b> Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. You've got a full outbreak of fleas on your hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARL </b> I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand this.. <b> </b><b> KARL </b> I 'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARL </b> Well , unless you want to kill them. They can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my <b> </b><b> </b> stuff, it's in the truck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay.. <b> </b> Elaine comes in <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi....??? <b> </b> Jerry; Bug guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why do you have a bug guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have fleas. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on the couch) How did you get fleas? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment for two days. I don't know what I'm <b> </b><b> </b> gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel and if they go to someplace on their <b> </b><b> </b> own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have you checked in The Plaza yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No....Oh No.... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on,c'mon <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, No... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> c'mon ,c'mon.... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, No... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> c'mon, c'mon.... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, No....Yesss!!!!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Door buzzer <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes!!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> yeah! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well what about you. Where you gonna stay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be upset from the masticated pecan incident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet he'll be relieved. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to <b> </b><b> </b> my parents. They brought it with 'em. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah that's just some stuff about the company. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk to Paula? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what did she say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She...likes you.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She said she liked me. No kiddin' she said that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ya! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Those were her exact words, I like George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> For nothing.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ha Ha.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> In fact she said that looks aren't even that important to her... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see.....WHAT!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah Oh!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She said looks aren't important to her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She said.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it. <b> </b> Jerry; You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're <b> </b><b> </b> ugly, because nobody actually tells them. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> .....So what's your point? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay.. The point , George, is she likes you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking....At least I can get somebody else. <b> </b><b> </b> (scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That'd be the fleas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At the Plaza Hotel <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey!!! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey! I do you like this? Huh, huh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey! This is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey! look , Macadamian nuts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Macadamian nuts? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey! You know what these cost, they're like 80 cents a nut. <b> </b><b> </b> Helen; Jerry, are you sure this all right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! it's all taken care of. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> ( from the other room) Hey!!! They got a phone in the john here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Outside Elaine's building <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Judy . <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> Hey!!!!. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press . <b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDY </b> It is my pleasure , just make sure you give that manuscript a good read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Manuscript? <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> Yeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript. They want to see that you can read <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> an unpublished work and give insightful criticism. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oooh!! <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> Read it twice if you have to. This is a big step in your career. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go.. <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> Hey! What about lunch? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Catches up with Jerry on the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank god I found you.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! Hey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You still got that Fedex? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go in there it's being fumigated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat and head back to his place) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says "Fumigation Do not enter" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry , I need that Fedex right now.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you to take it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer comes out of the apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Toxic gas!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple of minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> An hour and a half!!! I was reading a manuscript, I just couldn't put it down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My manuscript? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you feel? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now that you mention it , a little woozy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer You got go back in there grab my manuscript. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm not going back in there!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> all right then, where is it?? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I left it on the coffee table or somethin' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well wh..wh.what are you doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going in . <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't you see the sign on the door? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in while you're with a girl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters. She goes to the coffee <b> </b><b> </b> table then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk then the dinner table. <b> </b><b> </b> She runs out of air so she has to rush out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom , the kitchen... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay... bathroom....kitchen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you get me a soda? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine goes back in <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. I got to get out of the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine searches the kitchen , then the couch cushions and gives up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Who could've been in my apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers. <b> </b><b> </b> I couldn't.... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I've got him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman's door . Jerry knocks <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I , give you fleas. Now if you don't mind... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman <b> </b><b> </b> is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry turns around) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in <b> </b><b> </b> squaller.(?) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to...itch. <b> </b><b> </b> Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter <b> </b><b> </b> how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling , crawling on your skin. <b> </b><b> </b> Up your legs , up your spine , up your back..... <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm ripped with fleas ( scratches <b> </b><b> </b> furiously) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Plaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy charges a hundred bucks an hour but I'm telling ya <b> </b><b> </b> he's worth every penny OOOOHH! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm next. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey! Leo, get this, four movies at once; Pay Per View. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> I love these nuts. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> This Champagne's gone flat. ( throws her glass over her shoulder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Nana!!! <b> </b><b> NANA </b> He Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean it up <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> On the street in front of a flower shop <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello.. <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> What's the matter?... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I spoke to Elaine... <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Hey! Look , no shave. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No...Why should that make any difference to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> It doesn't.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course not. You don't care what I look like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> That's right I don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and walk around like this and you wouldn't care? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Not a wit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and jeans and that <b> </b><b> </b> would be fine too. <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> You can wear sweatpants. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I could.. <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> (seductively) You could drape yourself in velvet, for all I care. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Velvet... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Monks <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you read the whole thing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh . So What's it about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> unbridled enthusiasm...? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! boy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! my God. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ah! Here we go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the waitress) can I have a scotch on the rocks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> May I..( pointing her food) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> what is this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting her food) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't taste this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It must be the toxic gas <b> </b><b> </b> from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Shelley's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLEY </b> Well, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think it'd be a problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLEY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I forgot my toothbrush. <b> </b><b> SHELLEY </b> Oh! no problem.....You can use mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll brush later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLEY </b> Brush now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the toothbrush) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What for, you got your own. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( takes his peach).....Nothin' , Can't even taste a Macanaw. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ( resumes eating) Well that's a shame. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Waited all year and I can't even taste it.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em . Why not give them all to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Viking Press. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's a story about love , deception ,greed , lust and.... unbridled enthusiasm <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MANDEL </b> Unbridled enthusiasm. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's what led to...(throath clearing) Billy Mumphrey's downfall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANDEL </b> hmmm...interesting take. So you believe, has he not been so enthusiastic he could have adverted <b> </b><b> </b> disaster. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see ,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country boy. Some might say a <b> </b><b> </b> cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and International intrigue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANDEL </b> So.. It was more a question of attitude than politics.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, yes Mr. Mandel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Plaza Hotel <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey! Under Siege is on again. Whose up for it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> No more nuts. Awrghh..... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Monks. George walks in wearing velvet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... Don't tell me.......Velvet!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's the real deal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's seen you in this thing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right...We just had sex......You know Jerry I've been searching for someone a long time. <b> </b><b> </b> Well the search is over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh! She threw me out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wouldn't use her toothbrush. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So where are you staying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Viking again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MANDEL </b> Three hours of massage time , twelve in-room movies including several adult features, five shoe <b> </b><b> </b> shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my my friend had fleas. I ran into the gas , it could have killed <b> </b><b> </b> me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only good for two weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANDEL </b> I think , you've read, one too many, Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day Miss Benes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay...Good day.. <b> </b> Monks again.George comes in eating a Macanaw peach. <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Hi George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( puts the pit in the a plate)D'you ever had a Macanaw peach? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Oh! yeah I love those. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Too bad , it's all done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Paula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in disbelief , then disgust. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste again. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's the date today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSERBY </b> The fifteenth. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. I can still make it. Wait.. Newman... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Sorry , last one . Would you want to suck the pit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the mailman. You remember the mailman don't you. <b> </b><b> </b> (unleashes a dog) <b> </b> Dog proceeds to chase after Newman <b> </b> Finally at The Plaza Hotel <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (knocks) Hello is anybody here?.. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> They said they were sending an Asian woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! my God. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Doodle Script

1995-04-27

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FUSILLI JERRY </b> Written by Marjorie Gross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment building) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hear you're going out with David Putty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. What, is it a problem? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a few years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, god. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> (At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays* the day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly you're a shell-fish connoisseur. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is *just* torture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So, I'm getting an eye job. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Georgie, I'm a divorcee. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're---you're a separatee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, I'm out there, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you're not out there. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I am, too! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive me home because I'll be all drugged up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run--- <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> This is the only time the doctor *has*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer walks by their table on his way out) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his seat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi, little buddy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on over and sit down. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? (Kisses Estelle on the <b> </b><b> </b> cheek) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're <b> </b><b> </b> out <b> </b> there now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's not out there! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, who is your doctor? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Uh, Bakersoll. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (whistles). He's good. He's *very* good. He worked on this kid <b> </b><b> </b> from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Tuesday? Uh... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the operation. He's got the car <b> </b><b> </b> with the bench seats that you like. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, I don't care. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to <b> </b><b> </b> the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, giddy-up! <b> </b> (At the motor vehicle bureau...) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Kramer.... (checks computer) All right... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All righty... <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Sign right here, please. (hands over clipboard) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him a manila envelope). Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b> (opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> What's your name again? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cosmo Kramer. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (checks computer again) Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No! I'm not the Assman. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are. <b> </b><b> </b> (Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the new plates <b> </b><b> </b> attached) <b> </b> (Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add. David, who <b> </b><b> </b> apparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the other hand, <b> </b><b> </b> is looking somewhat, preoccupied) <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> How do you feel? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Something the matter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Then what is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, nothing. <b> </b> (Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine. He joins her at <b> </b><b> </b> the booth) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was with David *Putty* last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He did the move. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What move? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know...*the* move. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second. *My* move? <b> </b> (Elaine nods). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> David Putty used *my* move? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe it. He *stole* my move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What else did you tell (reaches over to slap Jerry) him. (does it <b> </b><b> </b> again) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we <b> </b><b> </b> were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex <b> </b><b> </b> talk. It's a high-testosterone area. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, wait---wait a second. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Isn't that a little...rash? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! He stole my move! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but...*I* like the move. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a <b> </b><b> </b> pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new. <b> </b><b> </b> Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His <b> </b><b> </b> whole *repertoire* could be lifted. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York. <b> </b><b> </b> (Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought a candy bar <b> </b><b> </b> at the newsstand) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a <b> </b><b> </b> move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar) Gimme a <b> </b><b> </b> bite. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I just get it opened first? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing <b> </b><b> </b> two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, all right. Here. (hands George a piece of the candy <b> </b><b> </b> bar). <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's very good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You feel better? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need <b> </b><b> </b> *something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during <b> </b><b> </b> love-making. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nancy Klopper? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here. <b> </b><b> </b> Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All <b> </b><b> </b> right, come on, let's have it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure, <b> </b><b> </b> before--- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like <b> </b><b> </b> this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a <b> </b><b> </b> *conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used--- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're gonna tell me...or not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a <b> </b><b> </b> headboard. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got a headboard. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it padded? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. How tall is she? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Five-foot four. Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights. <b> </b><b> </b> Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George have just walked in, still <b> </b><b> </b> conversing on the same subject) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the <b> </b><b> </b> swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great <b> </b><b> </b> capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is it a clockwise swirl? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind). <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> *Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When did you do this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> In my spare time. (turns to George). You know, I'm working on one <b> </b><b> </b> of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta <b> </b><b> </b> that captures the individual. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... Why Fusilli? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because *you're* silly. Get it? (hands the Fusilli to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, thank you very much. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, did you get your new plates? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody <b> </b><b> </b> got mine and I got their *vanity* plates. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do they say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Assman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Assman? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be <b> </b><b> </b> just some guy with a big ass. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, or it could be a proctologist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Proctologist. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on! No doctor would put that on his car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very <b> </b><b> </b> good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. <b> </b><b> </b> *Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've <b> </b><b> </b> ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something <b> </b><b> </b> up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE SAME WAY </b> "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one." <b> </b><b> </b> (A phone rings in the distant) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! There's my phone. (He leaves) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, where you gonna stick this (points to the Fusilli Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it. <b> </b><b> </b> (We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car. Jerry walks in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, David. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Oh, hi, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVID </b> What move? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew <b> </b><b> </b> you. All you told me about was the ending. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. <b> </b><b> </b> You had *nothing*. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I would have figured it out <b> </b><b> </b> anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Swirl. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Whatever. I don't even do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples? <b> </b><b> </b> You're nothing but a hack. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out <b> </b><b> </b> of town...okay. But not in the city. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take <b> </b><b> </b> *that* out of town. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Good! <b> </b> (While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making a clanking <b> </b><b> </b> noise) <b> </b> (We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the covers.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NANCY </b> Ow, George! (crawls out from beneath the covers) What are you <b> </b><b> </b> doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused) Uh...you <b> </b><b> </b> know, uh...pleasuring you. <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> Well, stop it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't like the move? <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> No. I don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're kidding. <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking at my body. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine. <b> </b><b> </b> (Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVID </b> No, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?!! <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> I can't do the move. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Oh, he's ruined it for me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, oh, come on, please? <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, so---so that's it? <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> I'll come up with some new stuff. <b> </b> (Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on his windshield <b> </b><b> </b> and reads it...) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what <b> </b><b> </b> you're looking for." (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car). <b> </b><b> </b> (Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office) <b> </b><b> DR. BAKERSOLL </b> I must caution you about one thing. You can't cry for at <b> </b><b> </b> least ten day. You can ruin the operation. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, okay. <b> </b><b> DR. BAKERSOLL </b> Now, is someone coming to pick you up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Yes, my son's friend should be here any minute. <b> </b><b> </b> (In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors Only" <b> </b><b> </b> space) <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Can I help you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points to plate) Proctology. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Oh, oh, okay. Sure... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Thanks. Have a good day. <b> </b> (Kramer is driving Estelle home) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just can't get over how fantastic you look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> And it was all done by laser. I don't even need bandages. <b> </b><b> </b> (As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, "Yo, Assman! Look at the <b> </b><b> </b> Assman!" Kramer waves). <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Did he say "Assman"? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh my goodness. <b> </b><b> </b> "Hey, the Assman's in town!") <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got that straight! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he sticks his arm <b> </b><b> </b> out in front of Estelle.) <b> </b> (Back to Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the <b> </b><b> </b> order. Did you close with the swirl? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Supposed to close with the swirl? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression <b> </b><b> </b> there. I told you to write it down. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, should've written it down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> BUZZER </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon up. (turns to George) You know what? Do me a favor. Don't <b> </b><b> </b> even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name. <b> </b> (The phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred <b> </b><b> </b> dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it <b> </b><b> </b> is. He's not gonna cheat you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Except that it's not Putty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to Putty? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other <b> </b><b> </b> place. I think they might be trying to screw me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? <b> </b><b> </b> That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the <b> </b><b> </b> way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, <b> </b><b> </b> you better put one of those on." <b> </b> (Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it something I said? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's <b> </b><b> </b> like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of <b> </b><b> </b> my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, <b> </b><b> </b> when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle <b> </b><b> </b> involved in any way? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. As a matter of fact, there is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think that's mine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not surprised. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're <b> </b><b> </b> gonna see him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is <b> </b><b> </b> trying to screw me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> An estimate? How am I supposed to do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just <b> </b><b> </b> kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine the work <b> </b><b> </b> order) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the <b> </b><b> </b> table) What? What is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fusilli Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Kramer made it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, listen, I'll see you guys later. <b> </b><b> </b> (As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Assman! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, well, this is Sally. <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Shall we go? <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Okay. (turns around and walks out with an exaggerated swing of her <b> </b><b> </b> hips) <b> </b> (Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face) <b> </b> (Back at the Costanzas' house...) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a <b> </b><b> </b> dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I got things to do, too. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Don't upset me! I can't cry! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him! <b> </b><b> </b> (Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing what they do <b> </b><b> </b> best) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, let me ask you a question. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you charge for blown shocks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVID </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Two, three hundred? <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> I don't know. Maybe five hundred. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. <b> </b> (They go back to kissing) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about a bad gasket? <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Bad gasket? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Like a terrible gasket. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> What is all this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVID </b> What kind of car is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVID </b> All together, that could run about sixteen hundred. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b> (Kiss again) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is that with the parts and labor? <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm. <b> </b> (Kiss...again) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle.... <b> </b><b> </b> (Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased with <b> </b><b> </b> himself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> surprised...) <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It just came to me. <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> I---I've never in my life have---have I---. What was that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean in the end? <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A counter-clockwise swirl. <b> </b> (Spotting something on George's hand) <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> On---on your hand? Let me see what's on your hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NANCY </b> Give me that. (grabs his hand) I wanna see what's on your hand. <b> </b><b> </b> (They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his hand and tries <b> </b><b> </b> to make out the scribble) <b> </b><b> NANCY </b> Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my god! Crib notes? You've got <b> </b><b> </b> crib notes?!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NANCY </b> Oh, my god, you're sick. (gets out of bed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, it's not the S.A.T.s! <b> </b> (Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks inside the <b> </b><b> </b> back window and sees the "Bro"---or is it the "Manssierre"? He checks out <b> </b><b> </b> the plates) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Assman? I'll get him, Assman! <b> </b> (Back to Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me <b> </b><b> </b> off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what are you going to do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know <b> </b><b> </b> what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Where's your friend Kramer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Why? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know <b> </b><b> </b> what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years <b> </b><b> </b> ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates) Hmmph! I <b> </b><b> </b> stopped short. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really, stopping short. That's a good move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You're not kidding it's a good move! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer walks in.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Frank. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with <b> </b><b> </b> my wife! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about. <b> </b><b> </b> (Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry to the floor) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You think I don't know, Assman?!! To think I almost split the <b> </b><b> </b> profits on the Manssierre with you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bro. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Manssierre! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bro! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Manssierre! You...! <b> </b> (Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and falls right <b> </b><b> </b> on top of the Fusilli Jerry) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Aah!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, my god! <b> </b> (Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking in at that <b> </b><b> </b> very moment) <b> </b> (At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting for the word <b> </b><b> </b> on <b> </b> Frank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me either. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They say this guy's the best. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He had to use cork-screw pasta. <b> </b> (At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably in their <b> </b><b> </b> seats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the wall. He spots <b> </b><b> </b> something...) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry joins him) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The name on the boat. Look at it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Assman! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah (points towards the doctor's office), he's the Assman! Jerry, <b> </b><b> </b> *he's* the Assman! <b> </b> (The doctor walks in) <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Which one is the son? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (stands up) I am. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't <b> </b><b> </b> take long. And he's going to be fine. <b> </b> (Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the <b> </b><b> </b> wrong license plates? <b> </b><b> DR. COOPERMAN </b> Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to <b> </b><b> </b> straighten it out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So...you're the Assman. <b> </b> (Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one. <b> </b><b> </b> (Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Where have you been?!! You were supposed to fix the stove! I've <b> </b><b> </b> been waiting for hours! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I fell on some Fusilli. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Fusilli? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck <b> </b><b> </b> in me. Had to go to the proctologist. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> The proctologist? Are you okay? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, I was so worried. (grabs a couple of tissues from the box) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ma, don't cry! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, I can't help it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ma, your eyes! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Fusilli Jerry Script

1995-05-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE DIPLOMAT'S CLUB </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little harder... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is that the supermodel? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six hours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought you had a show in Ithaca. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him that I am quitting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So that's it? You know I never even met the guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've had enough. I am marchin' in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're marchin' in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm marchin'. (Enter George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Elaine's quitting. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm marchin' in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How 'bout the march out? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're losing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is it. Wish me luck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I need to borrow your camera. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It better be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PITT </b> One second Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Pitt... <b> </b><b> PITT </b> Elaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will to include you as a beneficiary. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> PITT </b> Well, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care of after I'm gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Flattered) Mr. Pitt... <b> </b><b> PITT </b> (Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine, <b> </b><b> </b><b> PITT </b> Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a long, long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must get that all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ... </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> .....................????recessed on the floor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> PITT </b> This is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Please, rest Mr. Pitt. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> You're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... shopping. How did this happen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Took a very dangerous combination: prescription heart medicine and these other pills. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PITT </b> I spoke to someone who worked there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> How well do you know her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I know. I've flown before. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> (Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way after take off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how you doin'? <b> </b><b> EARL </b> Pretty good. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Name's Kramer. <b> </b><b> EARL </b> Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where you headed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute they're arriving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the Houston's been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight to Houston. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bet? Um, not betting. <b> </b><b> EARL </b> Friendly wager. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I haven't made a bet in three years, <b> I- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, how much? <b> </b><b> EARL </b> How 'bout 200? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're on, cowboy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How ya doin'? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nice day today. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERCOM </b> Now arriving at gate 12... <b> </b><b> EARL </b> This could be Mexico City. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon Seattle, let's go. <b> </b><b> EARL </b> Come on, Mexico City! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Seattle, yeah! <b> </b><b> INTERCOM </b> ...flight 42 from Mexico City. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, c'mon, let's go again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Pitt, do you need anything? <b> </b><b> PITT </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PITT </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday next week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is going to be in the audience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting out there watching the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care, why are you telling me this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot... <b> </b><b> </b><b> OFF STAGE </b> Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> It didn't go very well, did it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience really freaked me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> I knew it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it doesn't matter now. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200... Will that be cash or check? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> All right, but I wanna see some cash on the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls) <b> </b><b> </b><b> N </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it's, uh, me. <b> </b><b> N </b> Hey, what's up? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, listen. I need some cash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> N </b> What for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just need it, that's all. <b> </b><b> N </b> Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak man. Where are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm at the airport. <b> </b><b> N </b> The airport? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> N </b> I don't have that kinda dough. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure you do. <b> </b><b> N </b> Oh no, no, not the bag! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh help me man, I'm desperate! <b> </b><b> N </b> All right, all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERCOM </b> Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Katie) What is the complication? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FLISHT ATTENDANT </b> Mr. Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> FA </b> I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> FA </b> Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't care. <b> </b><b> FA </b> Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He can't just throw me off the plane! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FA </b> Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be a disturbance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I'm not a disturbance! <b> </b><b> FA </b> Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But someone is waiting for me! <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Jerry, I don't want you to freak out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty, which one do you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Which one do you think I want? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> The eight will get you in a little earlier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then we'll make it the eight. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hotel? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Yeah, it's eight in the morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Carl, I think. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he was nice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What company was it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Defent. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You need an exterminator? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, not really. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gotta go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be late. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's at the airport, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am a little freaked out! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, but you have to go now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I said I'll take care of it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> N </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> N </b> Okay, here it is. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> So it's a mailbag, so what? <b> </b><b> N </b> So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> (Reading) David Berkowitz. <b> </b><b> N </b> Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> Where did you get this? <b> </b><b> N </b> I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> Any of 'em talk to you? <b> </b><b> N </b> Just to tell me to keep off the snacks! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> (To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, don't I know it. <b> </b><b> EARL </b> Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the board. Now, who do you like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> All right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take Ithaca. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Double or nothin'. <b> </b><b> EARL </b> Double or nothin'. <b> </b><b> N </b> I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack of confidence) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Wakes up) Where are we? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> I'm not sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this even a road? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Oh we lost the road a half hour ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Why didn't you wake me up? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> You told me not to bother you with minor details. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, road is a major detail! <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a preference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pointing ahead) Look out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> May I help you? <b> </b><b> CARL </b> I'm the exterminator. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yes of course, come in. <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Do I know you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When you fumigated for fleas over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. Morgan in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE </b> Mr. Morgan left for dinner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He left... huh... Carl, you hungry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TV </b> Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, seemed a little freaked out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's it! No more questions! I don't care! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PITT </b> That's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug store! He's no pharmacist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier for Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's... what we used to call him in high school, the exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> Well, that Newman was your good luck charm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, he was. <b> </b><b> EARL </b> I should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks acceptable? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I accept. <b> </b><b> N </b> (Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right next to me. We once double dated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here about his plane in Ithaca? <b> </b><b> </b><b> EARL </b> What about the plane in Ithaca? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy... <b> </b><b> EARL </b> Your friend caused the delay? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> EARL </b> You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon! <b> </b><b> EARL </b> See you around, Cosmo. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PITT </b> You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bridget! <b> </b><b> BRIDGET </b> Jerry, what happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRIDGET </b> Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Is that right? <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the rat problems in the kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> (George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Check, please. <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Diplomat's Club Script

1995-05-18

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE UNDERSTUDY </b> Written by Marjorie Gross &amp; Carol Leifer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> (Crying) (sob sob) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Now what am I supposed to do here? Shall I go over there? It's not like somebody died. It's "Beaches" for god's sake. If she was sitting next to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't be making a big move like going all the way over there. I can't. I won't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Next day, Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She calls me this morning and tells me she's upset I didn't console her. I mean it was "Beaches" for god's sake. What, what do you do in a situation like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where were you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was sitting on the chair. She was over here on the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well you know, if you were sitting right next to her you'd have to console her no matter what. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When you're talking about a movie like "Beaches", moving from the chair to the couch ... that's quite a voyage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> yeah, <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. I gotta go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where you going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Improv is playing "Rochelle Rochelle" The musical. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really? What is Bette Midler playing? Is she going to be there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She might be. She's the star of the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bette Midler is going to be in the park today? Yeeee. Jerry, don't tease me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't know you were such a Bette Midler fan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So maybe I'll go down there and watch, uh? She'll be there, ,maybe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gennice palying today? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, maybe. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who's Gennice? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the understudy. I'm dating her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't have to avoid going back stage and having to think of something to say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink. You know that's a real problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what? I doidn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thing...real bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ruby's Nail Parlor - Korean language in quotes) <b> </b><b> RUBY </b> You late. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know I know. I didn't have change for the bus and they don't give change in this city. So they threw me off the bus <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUBY </b> "That's a shame". You'll have to wait for Lotus now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How long do you think this will take. I have a millllioooon things to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUBY </b> "Mustn't keep the princess waiting. Princess in a big hurry." "No change for bus" "Poor princess." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?, uh? <b> </b><b> RUBY </b> Nothing, won't be long. <b> </b><b> LOTUS </b> "Princess wants a manicure." <b> </b><b> SUNNY </b> "Oh lucky me." <b> </b><b> LOTUS </b> "Oh, you got the princess." <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is so funny? <b> </b><b> RUBY </b> ...tell knock-knock joke. <b> </b> (Baseball diamond in the park) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Korean women were talking about me. I think they were calling me a dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How would you know? You don't speak Korean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby called the dog the same word they used when they were pointing at me...ge ge ge <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, maybe in Korean "dog" isn't an insult. Could be like the word "fox" to us. Oh, she's a DOG! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you go to another nail shop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because they're the best Jerry, the best. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What you need is a translator to go in the shop with you and tell you what they're saying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, who speaks Korean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know who speaks Korean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George's father. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You gotta' be kidding me. How does he speak Korean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He used to go there a lot on business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did he do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He sold religious articles the statues of Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were manufactured in Korea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, does your father speak Korean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung Sun Moon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi Gennice. <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> Hi Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is George, this is Kramer. <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Playing today? <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> No. I'm on the bench today. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They really stick to that understudy rule. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So she's coming? <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really good. I can't believe that I dropped it. (sob sob sob sob) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's okay...it's just a hot dog, (still sobbing) everything is going to be okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> No it (sob) was really good. <b> </b> (Crowd yelling - Bette arrives) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah, AH, . . . Bette, psst, hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, I just want to say I think you're wonderful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Uh, thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I've seen you in everything you've done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anything I can get you? Water? They got ice over here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> What flavours do they have? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Chocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry. <b> </b><b> BETTE </b> How about Pineapple? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> </b> (First Italian ice cream seller) <b> </b><b> ICE CREAM VENDOR #1 </b> No pineapple. Just Cherry, Lemon and Tutti-Frutti <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, uh, uh. (Leaves) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you to do is to come to the shop with me and tell me what they are saying. You do speak Korean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I once talked to the reverend Yung Son Moon. He bought two Jesus statues from me. He's a hell of a nice guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> uh, ha. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Ever see that face on him? Like a Biiig apple pie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza, if uh, if you do this for me I'll get you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or you can get a pedicure if you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No one is touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think I've got a foot odour problem. <b> </b><b> </b> (Baseball diamond- Bette at bat) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I watched "Beaches" on cable last night. ...(wings?) ... Give me a break. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Get some talent then you can mouth off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UMPIRE </b> Strike three. <b> </b><b> BETTE </b> What? Are you blind? <b> </b><b> UMPIRE </b> What? <b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Nothing, nothing. <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I had an affair with a Korean woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, Mr. Costanza, I ... <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No, I feel I need to unburden myself. I loved her very deeply. But the clash of cultures was too much. Her family would not accept me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Costanza, I, ... <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Maybe it was because I refused to take off my shoes. Again, the foot odour problem. Her father would look at me and say, " eno enoa juang ". Which means, "this guy - this is not my kind of guy". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (On Stree) <b> </b><b> ICE CREAM VENDOR #2 </b> Sure I got Pineapple. <b> </b> (Kramer runs back with it) <b> </b> (Baseball diamond - George at bat) <b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Move it in. Move in everybody. Get your shrimp here. Shrimp on special today! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on George, just loosen up. <b> </b> (George hits one ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. : I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Keep going. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aaaaaah <b> </b> (George runs into Bette (trivia- but misses home plate)) <b> </b><b> UMPIRE </b><b> SAFE! </b> <b> </b> (Mob gets angry and chases George and Jerry) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> come on it's just a game. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is going to take care of everything. See,, I got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time (sings) "You are the wind..." <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> TV </b> the show will go on but not Bette Midler. While playing softball in the park Ms. Midler was injured when another player thoughtlessly rammed her at home plate. All captured on amateur video tape. She will be out for two weeks from her Broadway show; Rochelle Rochelle - The Musical. <b> </b><b> </b> (Genice enters) <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> . . . Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well we... <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> No, please. This is the first time in my life (sobs) that anyone has ever done anything like this for me. I've always had to struggle so hard for everything I ever got. (sobbing) and I know this is going to be my big break. (sobbing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (with no emotion) It's okay. Everything is going to be all right. <b> </b><b> </b> (Knocking at door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE <b> IN THERE! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come back another time. <b> </b> (Shot of each lock being opened) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> SO...you're all in here together. How convenient. I hope you're all proud of yourselves. <b> </b><b> </b> (Turning to Genice) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So my dear you think you can get to Broadway. Well, let me tell you something. Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out. My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, and Fontaine, and if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nail Parlour) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi everyone. Um, this is my friend, Frank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUBY </b> What would you like today? Manicure, Pedicure? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'll take a manicure. I don't take my shoes off for anyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUBY </b> "That's the least of his problems." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What'd they say? What'd they say? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> They made a derogatory comment about me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUBY </b> "She's with a man twice her age." "He doesn't look like he's got much money either." <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOTUS </b> "Check out that sweater". (all laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUBY </b> "I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LOTUS </b> "What happened to his tail?" <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Okay, THAT'S IT! "oki on awa" Where's my tail? I heard every word you said. You got some nerve. <b> </b><b> </b> (Back room) <b> </b><b> KIM </b> That voice? It sounds so familiar. It reminds me of when I was ayoung girl in Korea and I met an American businessman. He was a very unusual man. Quick temperd with a strange halting way of speaking. We fell in love but when I brought him home to meet my father? He refused to take his shoes off. And there was a terrible fight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOTUS </b> That man also refuses to take his shoes off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (from other room) I never seen people treated like this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUBY </b> You brought in a spy! . . . Get Out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KIM </b> Frank? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Kim? <b> </b> (Hospital room) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (on phone) A turkey sandwich. A side of slaw, ... you want whit e meat or dark? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> White meat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there. It's your ass buster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Get me one of those Black and White cookies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> yeah, all right, yeah.... (hangs up) They don't have any. But don't worry I'm going to get you one somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Good. Because if I don't get a Black and White cookie I'm not going to be very pleasant to be around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now that's impossible. <b> </b> (On rainy street at night) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella) ... I don't even know where I'm going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That's the best way to get someplace you've never been. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> yes, (sob) I suppose, ... <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Have you been crying? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman, this manicurist,... <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh no, that doesn't matter now. That's a very nice jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, (sob) thanks. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, draw string waist, deep biswing vents in the back perfect for jumping into a gondola. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do you know all that? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That's my coat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You mean..? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Yes, I'm J. Peterman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! <b> </b> (In Taxi) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know why I have to go to the hospital. I didn't do anything to Bette Midler. Driver can you stop over here, we're picking somebody up. <b> </b><b> </b> (Crowd yelling) <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> Hey, I didn't do anything. I was never informed. ... YOU CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.... You see that? You see what I am going through? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what? Somebody dropped an egg on my head as I went into my building last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People are yelling out Galloogy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> I'm having a little trouble with all this. I mean all I ever wanted to do is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy. (sob) Nobody in the show will even talk to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stop your crying will ya? <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You heard him. <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> Oh, don't you you're the reason this whole thing happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah. I read what you said to the papers yesterday. You weren't in on the planing. What planning? YOU THINK WE PLANED THIS? Uh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked Bette Midler out of Rochelle Rochelle the Musical. I want you creeps out of my cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I had nothing to do with it. <b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> Get out of my cab. You should go to prison. You should be in prison for the rest of your life. Get out, each of you. Each and every one of you get out of my cab. <b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Then in the distance I heard the bulls. I began running as fast as I could. Fortunately I was wearing my Italian Captoe Oxfords. Sophisticated yet different; nothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich dark brown calfskin leather. Matching leather vent. Men's whole and half sizes 7 through 13. Price $135.00. <b> </b><b> </b> Ex; Oh, that's not too expensive. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That shirt. Where did you get it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, this innocent looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all. Touchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton, with a fine almost terrycloth like feeling. Five button placket, relaxed fit, innocence and mayhem at once. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That's NOT bad! <b> </b> (Frank's car) <b> </b><b> KIM </b> Oh, Frank. So many years. If only you had taken your shoes off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I couldn't because I had a potential foot problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KIM </b> I thought maybe you had a hole in your socks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I wiped them for two minutes on the mat. I don't know why your father had to make a federal case out of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KIM </b> Anyway that is all in the past. We have our whole future ahead of us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Between you and me I think your country is placing a lot of importance on shoe removal. <b> </b><b> </b> (Screeching of brakes) <b> </b><b> KIM </b> You short stop me? We don't do that in Korea! Take me home. Inever want to see you again. <b> </b><b> </b> (Bette's hospital room - Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi, here. I made this for your. (gives her a pasta statue) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETTE </b> ... What is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's macaroni Midler. <b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Macaroni Midler? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, see how you're singing? <b> </b><b> BETTE </b> ... yeah ...ha ha. Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> oh, what's that from? <b> </b><b> BETTE </b> Oh, that's one of the songs from my show. Bette sings: <b> </b><b> </b> "Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk. Rochelle Rochelle. You never stopped hoping. now you're in the Pinsk Rochelle Rochelle When the nay sayers nay you pick up your pace So nothing's going to stop me so get out of my face. I'm having adventures all over the place. Rochelle ROCHELLE!" <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh You are so freaking talented. <b> </b> (knock at door - Kramer goes out into hall) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, so look who's here. What do you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We just want to talk to her. We want to apologize and tell her the whole thing was an accident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bette is recuperating right now and I'm not going to allow anything to disturb her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who are you to decide? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm calling the shots around here so there won't be anymore ACCIDENTS! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, look, Kramer,... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> AH! I don't want her disturbed. <b> </b> (Outside Broadway Theater) <b> </b><b> RUBY </b> hello, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello <b> </b><b> LOTUS </b> We're so excited. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're welcome. <b> </b><b> RUBY </b> We'll see you inside. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I felt bad about the spying, so you know, ,I got them tickets to the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you about my new job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pushing her) How did you get that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I met him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You met J. Peterman? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is he like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> . . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Backstage) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, break a leg tonight. <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> I'm really nervous. <b> </b><b> STAGEHAND </b> Here you got a telegram. Well, look who's here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen buddy, <b> </b><b> STAGEHAND </b> What are you going to do? Break my legs? You don't scare me. You or your goons. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> How do you like this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> My grandmother died. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm so sorry. <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> Oh, it's okay, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you don't cry when your grandmother dies? But a hotdog makes you lose control? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE </b> (Off camera) Places everyone. <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> I gotta go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good luck. <b> </b> (Audience) <b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> ladies and gentlemen for this evening's performance the part of Rochelle will be played by Gennice Grant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOTUS </b> Gennice Glant? <b> </b><b> RUBY </b> What happened to Bette Midler? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, she got hurt. <b> </b><b> RUBY </b> No Bette Midler? (they talk Korean and all three leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I, uh, wait.. <b> </b> (On Stage) <b> </b><b> GENNICE </b> (singing and dancing) "It's a long journey from Milan to Minsk" (Shoe lace comes undone) wait wait. Hold it stop, (sob) I'm sorry, I have to start it over, my shoelace. (sob) I can't do it like this. Please let me start over. (sob) Please. (sob) Please.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Understudy Script

1995-05-11

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FACE PAINTER </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world. I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid. I mean, come on, you know, I mean, you're *so* close. If you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke cigars, it's time to think about a family. Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts in the sixties, which I'm sure made perfect sense in the monkey brain. 'Maybe that is the next logical step for me, because I've been working with the Italian guy and the crank organ, and I think I'm ready to handle the maximum re-entry g-forces. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and his date are talking in his car.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper has not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really, what else can they do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIENA </b> That's true. There really has been no development in toilet paper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the same, and will be so until we're dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIENA </b> Yeah, you're right George. What else can they do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's just paper on a roll, that's it. And that's all it will ever be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIENA </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You find this interesting, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIENA </b> Yes. yes, I do. <b> </b> (They stare at each other for a moment, then embrace.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you telling him for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's the busboy, you think he cares about the soup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup!Keep it up!"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, isn't that Alec Berg? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't stand him, he is so pretentious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> John Houseman? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, Alec Berg. <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Hi, how are you? Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Alec. <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Did you hear about Gary Fogel? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> You gonna go to the funeral on Friday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? Were those your seats <b> </b><b> </b> right behind the glass? <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Those are them, yeah. Season tickets. Uh, you know, unfortunately I <b> </b> can't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'd love to, are you sure? <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Absolutely, you just call my secretary, she'll arrange everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gee thanks! Thanks a lot! <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> It's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking away, he stops abruptly) You know, <b> </b><b> </b> I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, thanks again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really, thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are back at his apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? <b> </b> You know who these people are? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to <b> </b> do, why not disturb you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I will never understand people. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're the worst. <b> </b> George enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers and singing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Something's up, there's something in the air. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what is with you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I think this is it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I saw Siena again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Siena? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's dating a crayon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We discussed toilet paper. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Toilet paper? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime, and <b> </b> probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and she was <b> </b> fascinated, fascinated! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Toilet paper's changed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's softer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Softer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> More sheets per roll <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sheets. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Comes in a wide variety of colors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Colors. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point. Anyway, I'm <b> </b> thinking of making a big move. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I <b> </b><b> </b> just chickened out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the 'I love <b> </b> you' return? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fifty-fifty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzoh ball <b> </b> hanging out there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody else gets to say it, why <b> </b> can't I say it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, you never said it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so it wasn't a total loss. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets to the Rangers-Devils playoff <b> </b> game tonight! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm there, Monongahela! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about you, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it, sorry, I got a date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no no no, if you must know, I would rather be with her than go to <b> </b> the game. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She must be a very special lady, huh George, yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what do I do with the extra ticket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's a big Devils' fan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, fine with me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo, Siena <b> </b> works there as a trainer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So she works at the zoo? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's the only person that's ever <b> </b> been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those gorillas accept <b> </b> you, you got it made in the shade. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is at Puddy's apartment, waiting in the living room while he gets ready. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So how long have you been a Devils' fan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Since I was a kid, I'm from Jersey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey, no way, man. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> We're primed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here <b> </b> any second. <b> </b> Puddy enters wearing a Devils' jersey and red and green paint all over his face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What the-- <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> So what do you think? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> I painted my face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You painted your face? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> You know, support the team. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you can't walk around like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because it's insane? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey, you gotta let them know you're out there, this is the playoffs. <b> </b><b> </b> There's a knock at the door, Puddy answers it. It's Jerry and Kramer. Kramer <b> </b> enters first and does a typical 'Kramer take' when he sees Puddy's painted face. <b> </b> He recovers quickly. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dave, um, painted his face. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support your team. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Ok, ready to go? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> LET'S GET IT ON!!! Alright!! Go Devils!! Go <b> </b> Devils!! Let's go Devils!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Madison Square Garden, the four of them are at the game. Three are seated, <b> </b> Puddy has his face pressed against the glass as there's action in his corner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> You're dead, Messier! We're gonna get you, Messier! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FAN #1 </b> Will you sit down? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey man, I'm just trying to support the team. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Oh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan and you know I'm messing with their <b> </b><b> </b> heads. <b> </b> Just then the Devils score a goal and Puddy is back up, banging the glass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Go Devils!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Siena are sitting in the car again. They're listening to the hockey <b> </b> game on the radio. <b> </b><b> RADIO ANNOUNCER </b> Devils goal! Stephan Richer scores from just inside the blue <b> </b> line! And the Devils take-- (George turns down the volume) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I could have actually gone to that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIENA </b> So why didn't you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I didn't want to break our date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIENA </b> Oh, well. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I... I love you. <b> </b><b> SIENA </b> You know, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and Puddy are walking on the street after the game. The <b> </b> Devils must have won because Puddy is gloating. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Ha ha! We took it to you! You couldn't get it out of your zone all <b> </b> night. We were aggressive, we didn't let you penetrate! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games left <b> </b> in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very far from being <b> </b> over. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing the street) <b> </b> Watch out! <b> </b> The car stops just short of hitting Puddy. There's an old priest in the <b> </b> passenger seat. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where you're <b> </b> driving, man! (He approaches the passenger side window) Don't mess with the <b> </b> Devils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils! The <b> </b> Devils!! Haaaa!!! <b> </b> Puddy runs away, leaving the old priest shaken. <b> </b><b> FATHER HERNANDEZ </b> El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yup. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Big matzoh ball. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huge matzoh ball. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Those damn 'I love you' returns. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's all over. I slipped up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I <b> </b> love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, <b> </b> "I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Unless you're married. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. <b> </b> Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, people hate that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ideally. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Matzoh ball soup? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That'd be me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry enters his apartment carrying a bag of groceries. As soon as Jerry closes <b> </b> the door, we hear Kramer's door open and close. That moment, Kramer walks in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No question about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, you know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today with <b> </b> George's girlfriend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> At the zoo? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, <b> </b><b> </b> when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look <b> </b> and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that he <b> </b> did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn <b> </b> around. And then I *whap* let him have it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he started it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a monkey, Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I still think it's wrong. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright, fine. You take the monkey's side, alright, go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not taking anyone's side. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering something <b> </b> and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey <b> </b> tickets? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he gave <b> </b> them to me, how many time I gotta thank him? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this over <b> </b> thanking. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, good manners are the glue of society. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million 'thank you's, I wouldn't <b> </b> have taken the tickets in the first place. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, you know what this is gonna do? He's gonna be upset because <b> </b> you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for Friday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, you're out of your mind. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, where you going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who died? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so O would buy him the <b> </b> toupee? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So he actually had it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was <b> </b> driving and he lost control of the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Riverside Gramercy Chapel. Jerry and Elaine are at Gary Fogel's funeral. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's <b> </b> gone completely loco. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The one Puddy screamed at in the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the <b> </b> church basement. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something <b> </b> like that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gotta support the team. <b> </b> Several women weep off camera. Elaine inspects her outfit. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know I really hate my clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hm. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I open up my closet, there's just nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hm. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. (The weeping <b> </b> increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear <b> </b> something three or four times and that's it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hm. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's getting to be a terrible problem for me. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry (noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec! <b> </b> Alec barely acknowledges the greeting and takes a seat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you see that? What kind of a 'hello' was that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is in the office at the zoo. <b> </b><b> MR. PLESS </b> Ah, Mr. Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> MR. PLESS </b> Thanks for coming. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, uh, what did you want to see me about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PLESS </b> Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, we're having a bit of a <b> </b> problem with Barry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Barry? <b> </b><b> MR. PLESS </b> The chimpanzee. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem? <b> </b><b> MR. PLESS </b> Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does. He seems <b> </b> depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic <b> </b><b> </b> activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation he had <b> </b> with you the other day. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, so what do you want me to do? <b> </b><b> MR. PLESS </b> Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well he started it. <b> </b><b> MR. PLESS </b> Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So am I. What about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for <b> </b> anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done for <b> </b> the monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I-- <b> </b><b> SIENA </b> Hey, that's ok. Well, I've gotta go feed the marmosets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know George really likes you. <b> </b><b> MR. PLESS </b> She doesn't hear too well out of her left ear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't <b> </b> get the day-after 'thank you'? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, people never give a good 'hello' at a funeral. I mean, they go <b> </b> like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's the biggest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Girlfriend, yeah, right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anyway, she asked me to apologize to Barry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Barry? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The monkey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. It's the monkey that <b> </b> should be apologizing to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't think that's gonna happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried to put the good word in for you <b> </b> with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, her boss told me that she can't hear very well out of her left <b> </b> ear. What, you didn't know that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my god. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like <b> </b> the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation <b> </b> of the earth to save Lois Lane! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you gonna say it again? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's the question, Jimmy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are still at Jerry's apartment, some time has passed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd never <b> </b> say it again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it! <b> </b><b> </b> George storms out of the apartment as Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's gonna talk into her other ear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to ask you. What happened at the <b> </b> funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I saw him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, so he's gonna give you the hockey tickets, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, not exactly. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know if he's mad. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, so what happened when you saw him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello', but see, I was at a funeral. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 'hello' or he was mad because he <b> </b> didn't get his day-after 'thank you'. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> See, I told you, Jerry, I told you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, what do you want me to do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I want you to get on this phone and give him his 'thank you'! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. No, I can't! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of <b> </b> society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't <b> </b> you just get in your car and move to the East Side! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a funeral <b> </b> 'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to go. <b> </b> There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You stubborn, stupid, silly man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Puddy are at Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey, great dip. You made this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, it's from the store. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Oh. Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a <b> </b> snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> David? David, I think we aught to talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Alright, that's cool. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> David, I don't think we should see each other anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> You gotta be kidding, how come? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you see, David, you're a face painter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's not that I don't like you, but, well to be perfectly honest, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Well, alright, so you don't like the face painting, I just won't paint <b> </b><b> </b> it anymore. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but you like the face painting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Well, I don't need to do it. It's not like a habit or anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. You mean you'd stop it for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's so, that's so sweet. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Ah, c'mere. (They kiss) Alright, I gotta go home and get changed before <b> </b> the game. I'll be back, we'll make out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Siena are making out in his car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Siena, I love you. <b> </b><b> SIENA </b> Yeah, I know. I heard you the first time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Just confirming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is sitting alone in his apartment waiting for Alec to call. The phone <b> </b> rings, Jerry answers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was expecting somebody else. I'm <b> </b> sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call you later. Yes, <b> </b> I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency. Good bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is at the zoo, talking with Barry, the monkey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anyway, I um, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I lost my temper and <b> </b> I probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if I've caused you <b> </b> any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry. I apologize. <b> </b> Even though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you started it. I <b> </b> mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset, and god <b> </b> forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping we can put <b> </b> this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no hard feelings? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer moves in for a handshake, Barry spits water all over his jacket. Kramer <b> </b> gets defensive and Barry starts screaming and climbing the cage bars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's apartment, Elaine and Puddy are making out. She unbuttons his shirt <b> </b> and notices something peculiar. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> That's the letter 'D'. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why is the letter 'D' painted on your chest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Well, I'm going to the game tonight, and me and these five other guys <b> </b> are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But you said no more painting. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> No, I said no more face painting, and as you can see this is not my <b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is still waiting for the phone call. Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well? Did he call? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is stupid! It's six o'clock! It's <b> </b> all over, just pick up the phone and thank him! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright! (picks up the phone and dials) Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry <b> </b> Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec Berg. Did you <b> </b> hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg? <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> What can I do for you, Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Alec, the reason I called is I just wanted to thank you for the <b> </b> tickets from the other night. <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> I wish you'd called me earlier, I could have given you my tickets for <b> </b> tonight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you already gave them away? <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Yeah, but you know what? I have a friend, he's got a couple of seats. <b> </b> If you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, we don't care, we just want to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALEC </b> There is one little catch, though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior shot of MSG marquee announcing the Rangers vs Devils playoff game <b> </b> tonight. Cut to some on-ice action, then to the cheap seats where Puddy, Jerry <b> </b> and Kramer are seated, shirtless. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey, great game, huh? <b> </b> The Devils score a goal, Puddy stands up screaming and drags Jerry and Kramer to <b> </b> their feet. Alongside Puddy's 'D', Jerry sports an 'E' on his chest, Kramer has <b> </b> a 'V' on his, and three more shirtless guys bearing 'I',' L' and 'S' rise <b> </b> alongside them. All are cheering wildly, except for Jerry and Kramer who stand <b> </b> silent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The El Salvadoran priest is in his bedroom, another priest is at his bedside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PRIEST </b> Father Hernandez? <b> </b><b> FATHER HERNANDEZ </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> PRIEST </b> Una senora que te vino a ver. Ella dice que tiene informacion muy <b> </b> important information that could be helpful to you.") <b> </b><b> FATHER HERNANDEZ </b> Bueno. <b> </b><b> PRIEST </b> Al fini finalmente paró el llover. (Subtitled: "Finally it stopped <b> </b> raining.") <b> </b><b> FATHER HERNANDEZ </b> Aha, bueno. <b> </b> The priest shows Elaine into the room, she's wearing a white raincoat with a <b> </b> hood. As she approaches the bed, she's backlit by the sunlight coming through <b> </b> the window. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello father. <b> </b><b> FATHER HERNANDEZ </b> Oh. La Madonna! Madre de Christo! Yo estoy lista! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Face Painter Script

1995-09-21

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE ENGAGEMENT </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is: You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. . Likes to stay home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure he feels good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIZ </b> Checkmate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think we should see each other any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At Elaine's. She's trying to get some rest.) (dogs barking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after something like that. I was completely emasculated. Anyway, it's not the only reason. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, what else? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions is? Happy, Pappy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Happy, Pappy? What does that mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say, "Happy, Pappy?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you're "Pappy". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm "Pappy". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, come on. What, are you kidding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs. Anyway, look who's talking. You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she "shuushed you" while you were watching TV. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is this? Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OUR LIVES!! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, we're not. We're not men. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. I know. That's what I do. That's what I do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're pathetic.. you know that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why can't I be normal? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It would be nice to care about someone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think about a lot? Remember Susan? The one that used to work for NBC? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. It didn't take. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did I tell you I ran into her last week? Ho-ho, she looked great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You thought she was good looking, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, there you go again. What is the difference what I think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was just curious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do something about my life, you know? You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again. So what if she shushed me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am really gonna make some changes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Changes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm serious about it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Think I'M not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not kidding. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At Jerry's. He's on the phone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. Oh, it was just an expression. All right, well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, I'll call you later. All right, bye. Hey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more to life?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. We did. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There isn't? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm glad we had this talk. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you have no idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Apiphany - on the pier) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> La-la-la... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's. Elaine pops in, she looks like something the cat just dragged in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Three hours of sleep again last night.. Three hours of sleep because of that dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What dog? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. What dog? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never never stops barking.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I lost my voice screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, there is something you can do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Kramer:, I'll do anything. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going to rub out the dog? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. Not me. I just happen to know someone who specializes in exactely these kinds of sticky situations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, you're considering this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, just meet with him. ?????. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's - dark and dangerous) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer talked me into coming up here. But, obviously, I could never really do anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Of course. Obviously. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What kind of dog did you say it was? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, I don't know. I've never really seen it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS <b> . . . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! Stop it!! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Anyway. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if I were interested in availing myself of your services, um, what exactly would you do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, Elaine, there's any number of things I could do. But, I can promise you this, though, this vicious beast will never bother you again. So, what's it going to be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I can't hurt a dog. I can't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll drop him off Upstate and this way he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah, I suppose. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'd have to think about it. I doubt it, though. I doubt it. I'll let you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Of course. Take your time. I'll be here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> is still at the pier. His thoughts shift somewhat.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> La-la-la-la-la-la-la! (flashbacks to Susan) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's - makes phone call) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Let's do it. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Excellent. Excellent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How come you're eating your peas one at a time? <b> </b><b> </b> Melanie I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Susan's) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George:. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> George:? George:, what is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Will you marry me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George is on the phone.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ma, guess what! <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Oh, my god! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> You're what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm getting married? <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Oh, my god! You're getting married? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Oh, I can't believe it. Frank, come here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You come here. <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Georgie's getting married. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What? <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Georgie's getting married. <b> </b> Frank Get the hell out of here. He's getting married? <b> </b> Mrs. C Yes. <b> </b> Frank To a woman? <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Of course to a woman. What's she look like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What difference does it make what she looks like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Is she pretty? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, she's pretty. What difference does it make? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Oh, I'm just curious. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> She's not pretty? <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Let me talk to her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She wants to talk to you. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> : Uh, hello? <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Congratulations! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> : I just want you to know that I love your son very much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> You do? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> : Yes. <b> </b> Mrs. C Really? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> : Yes. <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> May I ask why? <b> </b> Frank Okay... <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Will you stop. I'm on the telephone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Can I talk to her, please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Jer's and Cosmo's apt.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you up to? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the rope for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got rope. Um, I gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The dog. You're getting the dog. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Kramer:, where are you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't go. Kramer:! Come back. I got great news. Well, I did it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got engaged. I'm getting married. I asked Susan: to marry me. We're getting married this Christmas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're getting married? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, my god! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm a man. Jerry:, I'm a man. And do you know why? It's because of that talk we had. You were my inspiration. Do you believe it? You. That lunch was the defining moment of my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm blown away. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're blown? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You like that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And she said "Yes"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It took a couple of hours of convincing. I was just like those guys in the movies. And it worked! She said "Yes"! I can't believe my luck that she was still available . A beautiful woman like that. You think she's good looking, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're gonna have gorgeous kids. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pinkish hue? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well...actually, we kind of broke up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. 4But she scooped them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . . . she scooped her niblets? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. That's what was so vexing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to the pact? We were both gonna change. We shook hands on a pact. 9Did you not shake my hand on it uh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You stuck your hand out, so I shook it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged. You're getting married. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's not that. I just, you know, I thought that we were both uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You thought I was gonna get married? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, maybe not married, but... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, you love Susan: , right? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want to spend the rest of your life with her <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . . . . . . Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. It doesn't make any difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll pick you up at your apartment. We'll go to the Eight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! How about some champagne? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Champagne? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay! Alright! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what? No champagne. . . . I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night outside) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's it. That's it. Stop right here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right, give me the rope. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What do you need a rope for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Look, I don't have time to explain every little thing to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I knew you'd back out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer:, are we doing a bad thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions. We're doing this dog a real favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. That's him. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor running. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 's.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ready? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Um, I don't uh, really think I can go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, how come? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I didn't really tell Susan: about it, and she doesn't really have anything else to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, she could come. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, she doesn't really want to see Firestorm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally Field. Well, that should be good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. see you later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, wait a second. You know, we could share a cab. They're playing at the same Cineplex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> George, better get read <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am ready. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You wearing that shirt?. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, I guess I'll see you down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In the van.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What time you got? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no. I don't wear a watch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I tell time by the sun. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How close do you get? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I can guess within an hour. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what about at night? What do you do then? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Let's go. Let's go. Move! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got it? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What do you think? Drive. Drive. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where is it? Where is it? This? This is the dog? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But he's so small. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah, but he's a fighter. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That can't be the dog. Are you sure you got the right one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Look, you said the one in the second courtyard. He was in the second courtyard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How could that be the dog? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, get him to bark. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right. Bark. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bark. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Bark. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the theater) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Did you like it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, it was very, very good. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, do you think he'll ever find her again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I sure hope so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he was shooting back at them as he was falling? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRIEND </b> What about that underwater escape? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In the van) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's a news report about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b><b> ??????? </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You think we're far enough. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We're practically to Monticello. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give me the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This is your new home. Let go of my shirt. Come on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt is from Rudy's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 's on the phone with his newly imprisoned buddy, Georgie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. You watching this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They are? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> George:, you coming to bed? I'm taping mad About You. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, nothing. I got to go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Mattingly just sinled . <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, it was really wrong of you to back out on that deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come from. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We come from the same place. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> George:, I'm starting it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the pooch's pad. ) <b> </b> Lady Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you. What's this? Hmm. Rudy's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's bedroom - dog barking) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 's. ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. I don't know how it happened. We were practically in Monticello. I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There's no way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Very strange. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I can't Jerry:. 4I'm sworn to secrecy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> News? What news? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total shock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on, Jerry:. Please, please, please, please, please! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George Costanza... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is getting married! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside kramer's apartmen) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> COP </b> You Cosmo Kramer:? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yes. Yeah. <b> </b><b> COP </b> You recognize this piece of fabric? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, that's... <b> </b><b> COP </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> COP </b> You're under arrest. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Arrest? <b> </b><b> COP </b> I have a receipt for a rental car with your signature. Including a report with some damage to the rear seat. It seems the spring was so compressed it completely collapsed the right side.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman: . <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 's door) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What took you so long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (back of a Cop car) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what do you think they'll do to us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty minutes that place'll be swarming with mailmen. We'll be back on the street by lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I gotta make some changes. I'm not a woman. I'm a child. What kind of life is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (in bed - MAY music) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Engagement Script

1995-09-28

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE POSTPONEMENT </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and Kramer is parking his car ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? What happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't he the one with the show on cable? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's great. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b> (Kramer crashing into parking spot) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That looks pretty good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's in. <b> JERRY </b> Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's to discuss? <b> JERRY </b> Come on! George: is getting married! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is he happy? <b> </b><b> </b> to sit with his bride-to-be. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Isn't that why we have locks on the doors? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Can we change the subject, please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we'll talk about it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he seems pretty happy. <b> ELAINE </b> Well, that's all that counts, I guess. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, nothin'. <b> JERRY </b> Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what do you want me to do? <b> JERRY </b> Well, at least have some reaction to it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't. <b> JERRY </b> Maybe you're a little jealous. <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George:? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. Right. <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, right. <b> JERRY </b> Lainy! <b> ELAINE </b> Jerry:! <b> JERRY </b> You don't wanna get married? <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on! <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you come on. <b> JERRY </b> You're such... <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey! <b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> KRAMER </b> Elaine:, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business. Do you realize this is gonna be on our permanent records? Are you aware of this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, dear. <b> KRAMER </b> It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry:? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're gonna change the system. <b> KRAMER </b> Yes! <b> ELAINE </b> Well, I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Elaine's place) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hello, Rabbi: Krischma. <b> RABBI </b> Elaine:! Always a pleasure to see you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Elaine, often times in life there are problems, and just as often there are solutions. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I suppose. <b> RABBI </b> Elaine, you don't seem yourself today. You seem, if I may say, troubled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, Rabbi:, I'm not myself. <b> RABBI </b> Come upstairs. We'll have a talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AT JERRY </b> 's apartment. George trots in after his lunch with Kiki <b> </b> and Big Jer is kicking back with a paper. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> GEORGE </b> I want your honest opinion about something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have I ever been less than forthright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's good, right? <b> JERRY </b> I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You do? <b> JERRY </b> Yes, I do. <b> GEORGE </b> Well, I told it to Susan: before, and she didn't like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm. <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, "Can we change the subject?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, now that I don't care for. <b> GEORGE </b> Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It should resolve of its own volition. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's exactly what I said, except I used the word "momentum". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Momentum - same thing. <b> GEORGE </b> Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know. <b> GEORGE </b> Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're turning. <b> GEORGE </b> Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you need more time, you should have more time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you think I could postpone it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure you can. Why not? <b> GEORGE </b> That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't see why not. <b> GEORGE </b> So, I could do that? <b> JERRY </b> Sure, go ahead. <b> GEORGE </b> All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Spring. Of course. <b> GEORGE </b> Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beautiful. <b> GEORGE </b> She's not gonna like it. <b> JERRY </b> No, she's not. <b> GEORGE </b> You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to death of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you'd better shoot for March. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, all the way. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't turn you in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that so? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Kramer if I killed somebody would you turn me in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Definitely. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're kidding? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I would turn you in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You would turn me in? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe your a friend of mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What kind of person are you going around killing people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I am sure I had a good reason. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you know me! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought I DID! <b> </b> (Rabbi's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not a very religious person but I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Would you care for a snack of some kind? I have the Snackwells which are very popular but I think that sometimes with the so called fat free cookies people may overindulge forgetting they may be high in calories <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway, um, this friend of mine, George, got engaged . <b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> How wonderful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend enter into this holiest of unions? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy whatsoever. Just the whole think makes me . . sick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> You know, Elaine, very often we cannot see the forest for the trees. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I don't know what that means. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Well, for example, say there's a forest, <b> . . . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You see the thing is we It should have been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> You know my temple has many single functions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, it's okay. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> My nephew Alex is someone who is also looking perhaps ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> He owns a flower store. Very successful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Another Café Latte? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You better believe it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Since when are you so trendy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Café Latte? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't recall you drinking Café Latte. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've been drinking Café Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've always wanted to see this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah, lets do it uh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe I will. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> How was your day? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good, good day. How was your day? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Mine was okay. So what's goin' on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's, uh, talked to Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, the Lowers want to get together with us on Friday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Lowers, really? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You don't want to go? <b> GEORGE </b> No, I want to go. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So what did Jerry have to say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . . . Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable idea today! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's not the toilets. It's something else. Are you ready for this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no no it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. (crying) Say so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Still marry , still marry. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You don't love me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sstill love. Still love. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I ...It doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine. Really. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How did you know that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I live and breath my friend. . . . I live and breath. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and kill herself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up sex after. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't have any sex. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't have make-up sex. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (crying) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> I can tell you're very upset but I'm sorry I'm not goin' <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you here that? I can't believe this he's eating his sandwich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Are you going to eat thoise fries? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is amazing. (George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand) Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better (to woman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> . . . Poor bastard. <b> </b> (Outside Elaine's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good evening, Rabbi. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Good evening. And how does this evening find you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Rabbi, well. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> I trust you are here to see your friend, Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> I hope she's feeling better. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> She didn't tell you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Well it seems the engagement of her ffriend George has left her feeling bitter and hostile. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> is that so? <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes she was the one getting married. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> She came off as pretty desperate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know any of this. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Apparently she doesn't think much of this George fellow either. I recall the word loser peppered throughout her conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hum, well it all comes as news to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's apartment) <b> </b><b> G </b> (enters) Hi. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi, how was your day? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good, good day. How was your day? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ah, it was okay. What's going on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could I talk to you for a minute? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, sure. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see this is the thing. . . . (crying) I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble, . . . I'm scared. You and I together, (cry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> George, of course, of course it can wait until march if that is what you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, don't worry your head. Of course. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. (smiles behind her back) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got that magazine article for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Understand you had a little talk with him too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, talked earlier. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I know, I know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> . . . What does that mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing, nothing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He didn't mention . . . <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes he did. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He told you about our conversation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We had quite a little chat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He told you about . . . <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He told you all that? How could he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It didn't take much prodding either, I must say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can he do that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He did it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what's so fascinating. <b> </b> (Movie line) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You better finish your little café latte there. They won't let you in with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well that's stupid <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the rule. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, we'll just see if we can't get around that. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer puts coffee cup into his pants) <b> </b> (Rabbi's apartment) <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Oh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice to see you again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> E </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Can I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question. Why, why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Was that a problem for you? <b> ELAINE </b> Of course it was a problem for me. . . . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone else about this, did you? <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Well, let's see? I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mrs. Winston? <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive and I happened to mention to her how you felt that it was never going "to happen" for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him did you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Don Ramsey? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know that tall really good looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Oh him! Well this morning I found myself in the elevator with him... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> my god, you didn't. <b> </b> (Movie theatre) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yow, oow Ah! <b> </b><b> USHER </b> Hey, hey, what's going on? What just happened here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nothing Nothing. <b> </b><b> USHER </b> Whatya got? One of those Café Latte's in your shirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't have anything. Ask him. <b> </b> (Jerry makes a silent drink gesture) <b> </b><b> USHER </b> All right, come on Coffee Boy, bring it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What?! <b> </b><b> USHER </b> Here you go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ow <b> </b> (Kramer leaves) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> Ex; But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You didn't say this to George, did you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah that! So, . . . <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god. I haven't seen you since it happened. I'm so happy for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, thanks a lot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on. You really, really deserve it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Gives George a kiss) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I mean... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I guess I'm getting older. <b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please, please give my best to Susan. <b> </b> George Yeah. Elaine My most, just heartfelt congratulations. <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever get a date, maybe the four of us could go out together sometime. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! Yes, yes. Sure. <b> GEORGE </b> Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked? He lived up on the fifth floor or something. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nope. I wept like a baby. <b> JERRY </b> What? <b> GEORGE </b> Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You cried? <b> GEORGE </b> I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Suing? What for? <b> KRAMER </b> The coffee was too hot. <b> JERRY </b> It's supposed to be hot. <b> KRAMER </b> Not THAT hot. <b> </b><b> </b> (At George's home. He and Susan are in bed watching TV) <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> (On TV) The prophet Isaah tells us without friends our lives are empty and meaningless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi: from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day. <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George:. She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first. She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was they're never going to see each other again so what's the difference. But that is a subject for another sermon. Now, I'd like to close with a psalm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Postponement Script

1995-10-05

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MAESTRO </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Booth at Monk's Cafe) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And then I hear this rabbi on television, I mean imagine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't jealous of you. It was just the whole marriage thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya know, I was just a little surprised. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean can anybody answer that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about all the loser stuff? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know where the rabbi got that. Ya know I never said that. I said "I've never seen you looser". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit it's available, it's there, it's 2 aisles over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating as always. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm going shopping with Susan. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What kind of shopping? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Clothes shopping. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ross'. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh that's a nice store. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, it's her uncle's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Discount? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (As he leaves) One would hope. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jackie Child's Office) <b> </b> (Kramer is sitting across from Jackie) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So ya know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and bought this cafe latte. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> (Agreeing) Hm Hm. Oh what is that like Italian coffee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah that's right. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Half milk, half coffee? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Hm Hm. You take a sip? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes I did. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Now when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were you able to sip <b> </b><b> </b> it in your normal fashion? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Hm Hm. All right, all right. You take big sips? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I think I take a normal sip. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> O.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that. Then what happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you know ahh, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, now is that going to be a problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. <b> </b><b> </b> This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your <b> </b><b> </b> constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's definitely preposterous. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> So. Then what happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well ahh. I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and <b> </b><b> </b> I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Was there a top on it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. They put the top on. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer motions that he did not make the top) <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Get me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some test on that top. <b> </b><b> </b> Have you been to the doctor? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah No no, I haven't. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Jackie. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jackie. I mean, we have a chance? <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you <b> </b><b> </b> gonna walk outta there a rich man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ross' clothing store) <b> </b> (Susan is holding a bright red shirt up to George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well you could use a little flash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't change me. Ya know there are a lot <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> of woman that would love to be in your position right now. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Name one. <b> </b><b> MR ROSS </b> So, you find anything? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, he's impossible to shop for uncle Ned. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR ROSS </b> I'm going on vacation to Costa Rica. Maybe I'll see you in a couple of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> weeks. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b><b> O.K. </b> <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Excuse me Mr Ross. <b> </b> (George notices the security guard standing near the front door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See now this I don't get. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The security guard. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What about him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why does he have to stand? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Because he's a security guard. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I mean look at him. He's gotta be on his feet like that all day? <b> </b><b> </b> That's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> George, you just met him. Don't say anything to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aren't you concerned about the security guard? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Not really. (Walks away) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Thinking to himself) She's not concerned about the security guard. What <b> </b><b> </b> kind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care that this man <b> </b><b> </b> has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> All right George. (She puts the red shirt up to him again) What do you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So ah, what did you do last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know nothing, but what did you actually do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. That really is nothing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I told ya. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you all dressed up for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I ah just came from a meeting with my lawyer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, how's that looking? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I'll tell you how it's looking. My lawyer Jackie says if there is one <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna be a rich man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's despicable. How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you a nickel Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have weeded you out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Frankly I'm surprised you're so litigious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I can be quite litigious. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What I mean who ever heard of this anyway? Suing a company because there <b> </b><b> </b> coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah but Jackie says the top was faulty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Sounds of knocking in the background on Kramer's door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Maestro! <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Ah, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm in here. How's it going. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Bob. <b> </b> (Kramer coughs purposely and motions toward maestro with his head) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, this is a surprise ha? <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> I just wanted to drop off this Chinese balm for your burns. It's supposed <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to be great stuff. It's all herbal. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh Maestro, you, what are you doing? You don't have to do this. Do you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> believe this Maestro? <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> It's nothing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, ya know you haven't been around for a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Oh yeah, I've been at my house in Tuscany. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's in Italy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hear it's ah beautiful there. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Well if you're thinking of getting a place there don't bother. There's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> really nothing available. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Surprised) Huh? <b> </b> (Elaine enters from bathroom) <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> (Seeing Elaine) Oh! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Well Hello. And who might you be? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I might be Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is a, Bob Cobb. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maestro. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Maestro. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> It is my very great pleasure. (Kisses Elaine's hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Enchante. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO AND ELAINE </b> Well I have to be going. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jinx buy me a coke. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Oh. Love it when that happeneds. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know I know. That is so ahh ...... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Coincidental. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Ciao. <b> </b> (Elaine and Maestro leave) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the balm. Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer shuts the door and stares at Jerry) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh what, because I didn't call him Maestro? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because it's a stupid thing to be called. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry he's a conductor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he's still a conductor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you should see him do 'Flight of the Bumble Bee'. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer makes like a conductor and makes a classic Kramer sound) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from each other) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> New shirt? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. You like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, not particularly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why, the color? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Too flashy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's burning my retina. Susan picked that out for you right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Obviously lying) No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Reaches for a menu) All right what's it going to be here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me ask you something. When you go into a store, does it bother you <b> </b><b> </b> that they make the security guard just stand there all day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See, didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different. I can sense <b> </b><b> </b> the slightest human suffering. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sensing anything right now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet, in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that take? <b> </b><b> </b> Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch. (stands up) <b> </b><b> </b> Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop It! Stop It! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair? I would be <b> </b><b> </b> very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll have a talk <b> </b><b> </b> with him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know you will. <b> </b> (Kramer enters and sits next to Jerry) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie just called. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> His lawyer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, Java World wants to settle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm gonna be rich. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are they settling? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cause their afraid of bad publicity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All this because you spilled coffee on yourself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah that's right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Very loud in the direction of a waiter) I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant. Maestro and Elaine are talking) <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> And then about four years ago I was on holiday in Tuscany. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh ha. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> And I fell in love with this house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Waiter approaches) <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Are you ready to order? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh God. What are you getting Bob? <b> </b> (Maestro looks at Elaine with an annoyed look on his face) <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Good question. (to waiter) We'll need a few minutes. <b> </b><b> </b> (Maestro puts his head in his hand. He is visibly upset) <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> You know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention it earlier but actually I <b> </b><b> </b> preferred to be called Maestro. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Well, ya know I am a conductor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Oh I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein to be called Maestro because <b> </b><b> </b> he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and I don't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I mean don't you think that he was probably called Maestro while he <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends probably just called <b> </b><b> </b> him Lenny. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> I happen to know for a fact, that he was called Maestro in social <b> </b><b> </b> situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him and said <b> </b><b> </b> "Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maestro huh? O.K. (laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is at the refrigerator getting orange juice.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters frantically) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is gone look.(shows Jerry the burn area). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I put that Chinese balm on that the Maestro gave me. And look, it <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> healed it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So? My lawsuit. I'm finished. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought they wanted to settle. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well what happens if they want to see it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then you're in a lot of trouble. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ross' clothing store. Guard is standing near entrance. George enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To guard) Tired? <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How come uh, no chair? <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, I couldn't help but notice that uh you don't have a chair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> I don't need a chair. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're obviously a very well <b> </b><b> </b> proportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever offered you a chair? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Nope. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you like a chair? <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> I suppose if they gave me one I'd sit down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Obviously I'd rather sit than stand, if that's what your asking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's exactly my point. <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Well who wouldn't? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cause I tell you, frankly, I would like to walk in hear one day and find <b> </b><b> </b> you sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would give me a lot of <b> </b><b> </b> pleasure. Call me crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Back seat of a cab. Jackie and Kramer) <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the <b> </b><b> </b> doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I guess I screwed up huh Jackie? <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Your damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damm balm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> anyway? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The Maestro. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> The who? What are you talking about Maestro? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My friend he's a conductor. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Oh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well my stomach was burning. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I didn't know the balm was gonna work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the instructions? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I ... <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> (interrupts) No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm sorry Jackie. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> (To cab driver) Pull over here driver this is it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Motions with his head) Yeah, get over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you have a good time? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he's very interesting. Did you know that Mozart died while he was <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> writing 'The Requiem'. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows that, it was in Amadeus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I called him Maestro. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't mind? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> O.K. from now on I want you to call me "Jerry the Great". <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am not calling you "Jerry the Great". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not you call him Maestro. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He is a Maestro. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm great. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you say. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about his house in Tuscany, he mention that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. (bragging) I'm invited. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of the clear blue sky <b> </b><b> </b> he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone else there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well maybe there aren't any houses to rent there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In all of Tuscany? I wonder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Office of a Java World building) <b> </b><b> MR STAR </b> I say we offer him $50,000 that's it, take it or leave it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR BURNS </b> How do we know how severe the burns are? Why don't we have him <b> </b><b> </b> examined by a doctor. <b> </b><b> MS. JORDAN </b> Listen, the faster we dispose of this the better. This thing gets into <b> </b><b> </b> the paper it will kill us. <b> </b><b> MR STAR </b> All right, we'll start at 50,000 and free coffee at all of our stores. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Secretary beeps) <b> </b><b> MR STAR </b> (Answering secretary) Yes? <b> </b> (Heard over the speaker) <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Mr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (To intercom) <b> </b><b> MR STAR </b> Send them in. <b> </b> (Mr. Star opens door to let Jackie and Kramer in) <b> </b><b> MR STAR </b> Gentleman. <b> </b> (Kramer and Jackie enter Mr. Star's office) <b> </b><b> MR STAR </b> Gentleman come in. Now we don't want to take up much of your time. Let's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> make this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the free coffee you <b> </b><b> </b> want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe, Plus.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jackie and Kramer in the back of a cab) <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> I'll take it? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it, he wasn't there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I thought we were lucky to get anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Free coffee? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own <b> </b><b> </b> damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "Plus". <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I didn't hear any Plus. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> 20 years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer spots a Java World) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen I'm gonna get out here. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> gonna get myself a free cafe latte. <b> </b> (Kramer tramples over Jackie to get out of the cab) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and hear music approaching) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Hi Maestro. <b> </b> (Maestro makes like a conductor waiving his hands. Elaine joins in to finish the song) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Beethoven's 7th. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey you know we were just talking about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Oh yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, ya know the other day how you mentioned that there were no houses <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> available in Tuscany? <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> You didn't find one, did you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I'm not really looking. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Nor should you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all of Tuscany? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> The houses are passed down from generation to generation, it's very hard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> It's booked solid! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's BOOKED Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How'd you get yours? <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Got lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride, I was about to pop in some <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Verdi. <b> </b> (Elaine starts to sing in Italian. Maestro and Elaine drive away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I'll check out France. <b> </b> (George walks towards Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey George, do you believe this guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bob Cobb. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bob Cobb? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the Maestro. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I missed the Maestro? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, get this, he tells me there are no houses any where in Tuscany to rent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh. Your renting a house in Tuscany? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what do you care? <b> </b> (George walks away leaving Jerry standing there by himself) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to keep me out of <b> </b><b> </b> Tuscany. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you <b> </b><b> </b> know how big Tuscany is? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have no idea. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no way it's that big. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a big region. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you know how big North Dakota is stupid? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know why I bother even talking to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, no one's got a gun to your head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. <b> </b> (George and Jerry hold there arms up in a truce) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I spoke to the security guard. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah and? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well it's tough to get a good read but I think if I brought him a chair, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> he'd sit. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So are you gonna get him a chair? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> back or without. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I think I'd go for the back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Swivel? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe one of those director's chairs. What <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> do you think of those. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know my parents used to have a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> kitchen chair that would have been perfect. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean one of those vinyl things? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Vinyl yeah, maybe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I figure out if there's any places to rent in Tuscany? Wait a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him. <b> </b> (Jerry leaves the booth headed for the phone in the back of the cafe) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In Maestro's car, he and Elaine are driving and singing Finiculi, Finicula) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (On the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poppy told me to talk to his cousin, he lives down in Little Italy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you think about a rocking chair? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Camera shifts to inside a Java World and Kramer is exiting at the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. <b> </b><b> </b> If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have any problems I'm <b> </b><b> </b> gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer exits and runs into Jerry and George) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Awe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that was the settlement. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's it. What you want one George? I can get one for you. No problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to tell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're racing! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well well I've got things to do. I'll see you later. Bye. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer walks extremely fast away from Jerry and George first putting the contract <b> </b><b> </b> into his jacket and then fixes his tie all while still walking extremely fast) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Dark room. Elaine and Maestro are kissing) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob! <b> </b> (Maestro is insulted and pulls away) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Correcting herself) Maestro! <b> </b> (Maestro begins kissing Elaine again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ross' clothing store. George carries in a rocking chair) <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (Noticing George with the rocking chair) Excuse me. Can I help you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEOGE </b> Nope. Just a, giving a chair to the security guard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this? <b> </b> (George motions for the clerk to approach him) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's your name? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Evan Fayne. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm probably gonna be taking over this <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Innocent mistake. <b> </b> (George gives the chair to the security guard) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, here you go. What do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Mr. Ross says this is O.K.? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Check it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Guard sits in the chair) <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Not bad. Not bad at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Dark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Giggio. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIGGIO </b> Si, Si, imma Giggio. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GIGGIO </b> Si, Si Poppy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um, did he did he mention to you why I called? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIGGIO </b> Si, the house in Tuscana. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIGGIO </b> Si. Two million lira. You give me the check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't actually want to rent it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GIGGIO </b> The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million <b> </b><b> </b> lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso. <b> </b> (A man approaches Mr. Giggio and whispers in his ear.) <b> </b><b> GIGGIO </b> (To the man) Si, Si. <b> </b> (Jerry watches the man walk away and appears to be very frightened) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> there were houses there to rent. <b> </b><b> GIGGIO </b> Si. (hods up the keys) Thissa one!. Capiche? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ross' clothing store. The employees are being held up at gun point. The <b> </b><b> </b> camera moves from the right to the left. There is a masked man taking the money <b> </b><b> </b> from the cash register. As the camera moves all the way to the left of the store, <b> </b><b> </b> you see the security guard fast asleep in his new chair) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the window of a house in Tuscany. Elaine and Maestro are talking. <b> </b><b> </b> There is a lady singing in Italian in the background) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's been a rough couple of weeks, ya know I really needed to get away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> I told you, it's paradise. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're right Maestro. <b> </b> (The sound of a car horn is heard in the background. A cab driver is yelling <b> </b><b> </b> in Italian. Elaine and Maestro go to the window on the other side of the room <b> </b><b> </b> to see what is going on. We see the cab.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Common Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry falls out of the back seat of the cab.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't have to push me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 75,000 lira. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> 75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer you don't under the conversion rate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, conversion rate, oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I don't even know why I brought you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nobody put a gun to your head. <b> </b> (They look up and see the place) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not bad! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Maestro Script

1995-10-12

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE WINK </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's bedroom - phone rings) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> This is your wake up service. It's 7:15. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, god. OH, I could use a few more hours sleep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Hot date last night? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wish. <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> A woman with a sexy voice like yours its hard to believe you're waking up alone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? Thank you, wake up service . . . person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Call me James. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, all right, James. He he he. <b> </b> (Monks) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your wake up guy asked you out? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie, <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Blind date? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. . . <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now you're off on a topic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I think, I would rather date the deaf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh hu. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And lets face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think she'd figure it out. <b> </b> (waitress places plates on the table) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A healthy person. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (rubbing his eye) Ow, Ow you squirted me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, sorry <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy, it stings. <b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George, have you seen Morgan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> He's been coming in late all week. Is there something wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, not that I know of. (winks) <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Really? Make sure he signs this. Oh, look George, if there's a problem with Morgan you can tell me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Morgan? No. He's doing a great job. (winks) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> I understand. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going by sound? What are we? Whales? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think I can tell. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Twenty-five percent. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're way off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> UNDATEABLE! </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then how are all these people getting together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alcohol. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to George who is winking) What is your problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No problem here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You keep winking at me. That's really obnoxious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had no idea. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right there. Right there. You just did it again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from that grapefruit that Jerry squirted at me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're eye still hurts? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. You must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pulp couldn't make it across the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you eat a real breakfast? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute. I must have been winking down at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm was acting so mysteriouso. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did he think, you were flirtin' with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hu, oh. No he thought I was hiding something from him about Morgan. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi guys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee. . . . Is this Don Matingly's signature? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And Buck Showalter's? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's an inter-office envelope. It get passed around all over the office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Um, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs . He runs a sports memorabilia store. He pays top dollar for pro autographs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, like I'm going to risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. (winks) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, of course not. (winks back) <b> </b> (Sports Memorabilia Shop) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, you see Don Matingly signed this envelope then he sent it to room 318, where it was received and signed for by manager Buck Showalter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> I don't know. An envelope doesn't really cut it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? <b> STEINBRENNER </b> What is this? A birthday card. Ha ha . . . signed by the ENTIRE Yankee organization! . . . This could be worth something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan? <b> </b><b> MM </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Oh, by the way, have you got that birthday card? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Birthday card? <b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card. Wilhem said you had it for me to sign. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh ah, I uh, will have that for you by after lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Fine. I'll be back after my massage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. Your massage. (winks) Enjoy your massage. (winks) <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's - Elaine sitting alone) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> James! Ah, ha, Hello! Phew! <b> </b> (Old Homestead Steak House) <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> I can't believe you've never taken anybody here before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm not really that much of a meat eater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> . . . You don't eat meat? Are you one of those. . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, no, I'm not one of those. <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> When we were little girls Grandma Memma would take us to a matinee and then dinner here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Grandma Memma? <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Elaine must have mentioned Grandma Memma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I think I would have remembered Memma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Oh well, that's typical. Elaine never liked Grandma Memma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Ready? <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> I'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream, <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you recommend besides the steak? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITER </b> The lamb chops are good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITER </b> It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what? I think I'll just have the salad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITER </b> . . . Thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad? <b> </b><b> </b> (Outside of Monk's - James unties his dogs) <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Hey you, hey you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, uh, ha, you've got dogs? <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Yeah, you know, when you live alone, you're dogs are all you have. Do you like dogs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (mind's voice from - ... ) SHUT UP! YOU <b> STUPID LITTLE MUT ! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dogs. Oh I love dogs. <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Boys, this is Elaine. . . . Sorry, they're usually very friendly. Hey! <b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> I had to cancel it. For some reason my wife got it into her head that it was more than just a massage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Yeah, we had this big fight at lunch it looks like tonight I will be sleeping on the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, listen don't oversleep. You can't afford to be late again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> I know. Somebody around here has been giving Wilhelm the impression that I have been slacking off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Geez, Hey you know something, you should try my friend's wake up service. She swears by this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Costanza, you may be my only friend around here. By the way, you got that birthday card? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, not yet. <b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Just make sure Steinbrenner doesn't get it until I sign it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes sir! <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just don't understand it as soon as I met these dogs they started growling at me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog. These muts like to gossip. So have you talked too Holly? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did she mention anything about our lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, kind of. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean, "kind of."? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad. . . . You know. . . . For a man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you saying? . . . Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got that right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you're going over there for dinner tonight, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um uh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is she making? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. But I'm sure it had, . . . parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's door - George knocks) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, Mr. Weatherbee. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got the Yankee envelope? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> oh, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here you go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, he, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You'll be pleased to see what's inside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're cut of the loot. Stubs gave me 200 dollars for the autographed birthday card that was inside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who told you to sell the card? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You did. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No I didn't! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, not in so many words but I believe we had an understanding. (winks) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was not winking you idiot. That was the grapefruit. It's like acid. I need that card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's. I was responsible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well Stubs has already sold it to some guy who's kid's in the hospital . <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well get it back! It's very important. (winks) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, do you want me to get it back or not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (holds eyes wide open) Get it back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Holly's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Such a lovely table setting. Oh, wear did you get these napkins? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> They're grandma Memma's. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I don't remember them. <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Oh, you wouldn't. She only used them on special occasions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Special occassions? It wasn't special when my family visited? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Everybody like mutton? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the fat off. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital room) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That you Bobby? <b> </b><b> BOBBY </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I heard that you have a very uh, special birthday card .with all the Yankee autographs on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> Sure do. Mister. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's it, yeah. Boy, Stubs sure went to town with this thing huh? Yeah, well, Bobby, uh, what if I told you a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> Oh, no. I'd never part with this card for anything in the world. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite Yankee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> Paul O'Neill. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> Would he? Paul O'Neill would do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> For you he would. <b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> Would he hit two home runs? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card. <b> </b><b> </b> (Holly's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about this candelabra? <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Yeah, that was grandma Memma's also. She bought it on her trip to Europe in 1936. Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton. I was afrais you only ate . . . salad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> That is so funny. Did you just make that up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually the line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat. How about that beautiful desk over there? (hides meat in napkin in jacket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> That was in Grandma's study. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did you do, ransack the place after she died? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is some FINE mutton. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm getting out of here. Can I borrow your jacket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, well, uh the thing is that . . . (Jerry grabs jacket back) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's cold out, and I didn't bring my own. Jerry! God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to grandma Memma. Thanks for mutton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (On the street - dogs following Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Down boy, nice doggy . I'm a nice person. Don't believe what you hear. <b> </b><b> </b> (Holly's) <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Where are the napkins? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> HOLLY </b> Grandma Memma's napkins. There's two missing. Elaine took them didn't she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know about that. Have you got any floss? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> You heard her. She coveted them. I bet she took them just to spite me. She's probably having a good laugh about it right now. <b> </b><b> </b> (On the street dogs chasing Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Down doggy . oh oh a a a a a <b> </b> (Jame's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you do with the dogs? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, they're in the kitchen. . . . okay, quite! What's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> These dogs were chasing me. And no cab would stop and I had to get off the street. Then I remembered that you lived here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why were dogs chasing you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They just don't like me. It's a long story. I can tell you one day but I can't tell you right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would askk you to stay tonight but I only have the sofa bed and it's where I sleep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We'll have to sleep head to toe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Head to toe? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Head to toe. <b> </b> (The next morning at Jame's) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, wake up. It's 8:30 you were supposed to walk me up at 7:15. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you kept kicking me in the face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're a wake up guy. Don't you have calls to make? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll make them later. Uh. <b> </b> (Mr. Morgan's - he's asleep on the couch) <b> </b> (Yankee Stadium - George's office) <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Have you seen Morgan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's not here? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> No, He's late. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's impossible. I got him a wake up service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Now, George, you don't have to cover for him any more. He's going to be gone soon and I'm going to recommend you for his job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . . . gone? <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It sounds like all the winking got you a promotion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want Morgan's job. He's got a lot of work to do. Hey, Elaine, your friend never woke up Mr. Morgan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nah, he was tired. He had some feet in his face. My cousin Holly is completely insane. She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Napkins? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because they were in the pockets of my jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They were? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. I was using them to spit out the mutton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Spit it out? I had dogs chasing me for that mutton. I was almost mauled because of that mutton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What exactly is mutton? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know and I didn't want to find out. So where is my jacket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I must have left it at Jame's <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You spent the night at James's? Did we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Reversed positions? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you know, head to toe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what your genitals are still lined up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, because I slept with my back to him. <b> </b><b> </b> (long pause - no comment from the guys) <b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mr. O'Neill? <b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> I can give you an autograph there, but my pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only like half a "P" or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits. <b> </b><b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> Sure, I could help you there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> Say what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, Klick!. A couple of dingers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> You promised a kid in the hospital that I would hit two home runs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, no good? <b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> Yeah. That's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Two is better than one. <b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Babe Ruth did it. <b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> He did not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> I'm not calling him a liar but he was not stupid enough to promise two. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, maybe I did overextend myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> O'NEILL </b> How the heck did you get in here anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (James's) <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> (on phone) Oh, hi Elaine. You know I lost all of my 6:30 clients because of you. . . . Yeah, well why did you have to stick your feet in my face? . . . Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on. . . . (to dogs) Fellas! <b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital) <b> </b><b> TV </b> The Yankees take the field on a beautiful afternoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> After Paul O'Neill hits his first home run. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> (from buzzer) It's Holly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Come on up. <b> </b><b> TV </b> And the two and one pitch to O'Neill. A towering shot back to deep right field and it's gone. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> TV </b> A home run for Paul O'Neill. The Yanks lead one nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> OH YEAH! ALL RIGHT! </b> <b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> One more to go. <b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b> (Holly enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What's all this? <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> I decided I was going to make you dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought we were going out. <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Well, after you scarfed up my mutton I had the irresistible urge to make pork chops for you. I said hello to Franco for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Franco? <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Your butcher, down the street. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I bet he acted aloof like he didn't know me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> A little. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is so Franco. <b> </b> (Hospital) <b> </b><b> TV </b> Bottom of the eighth, score tied at one apiece. Two and one to Paul O'Neill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know Bobby, it's very very hard to hit two home runs in one game. Even for Paul O'Neill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He can do it, Mr. Kramer. I know he can. He'll do it for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TV </b> "Klick! Long fly ball into deep left field over Bell's head . . . O'Neill's rounding second O'Neill going for third, O'Neill rounding . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on Come on! <b> </b><b> TV </b> . . . third being waived in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> GO! GO!! </b> <b> </b><b> TV </b> . . . Martinez throws it over Alomar's head. O'Neill is safe at home. And the Yankees take the lead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> An In The Park Home Run! <b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> Yeay! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All Right! Yeah, well, I guess I'll be on my way (grabs framed card) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TV </b> That's being scored a triple for Paul O'Neill with a throwing error charged to Martinez. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> Hey, ... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> ... that's not a home run. (grabs frame) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, maybe not technically, but ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> You said he'd hit two home runs. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just as good! <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOBBY </b> Well, you're not taking that card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, Bobby, Bobby, we had a deal . . . gimme that ... <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> So, is the chop the way you like it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I usually like mine with an angioplasty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (stuffs meat in sofa) <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know something really stinks to high h... Holly! What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What everyone does here. - Cooking pork chops. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm uh, I'm meeting James here. He's bringing over your jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> What about the napkins? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't take your napkins. <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Then who did? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ask Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We could argue all night over who took the napkins. The point is in today's modern world it just doesn't seem relevant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's office, Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> I still want to know what happened to that birthday card? Now, Morgan, did you ever sign it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> No sir, George never gave it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, that's right, I didn't. I take full responsibility for the card not being here. I, uh, . . . <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi, <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> What's this? <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's a birthday card. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to George) Oh, by the way, tomorrow night, Paull O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George, this is beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you were going to have it mounted like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And you were probably just going to stick it in an envelope. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Ha ha ha ha ha, George, keep up the good work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORGAN </b> Ha ha, uh, well you screwed me again, Costanza. How am I supposed to sign the card now when it's already under glass? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b> (James enters with his dogs) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, this is,... <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Excuse me. What are those dogs wearing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Oh, bandanas, aren't they cute? <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> You gave Memma's napkins to some dogs?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what happened to my jacket? <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Oh, the dogs did that but it wasn't their fault, somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Was it mutton? <b> </b><b> JAMES </b> Could have been. <b> </b><b> HOLLY </b> Do you always stuff meat in your pocket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Dogs climbing on sofa) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, sometimes I use the sofa. <b> </b> (Steinbrenner's office) <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Yes, George, please, come in, come in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Thanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh it made me feel good. You know, word has it that you were the brains behind the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization. Especially Mr. Morgan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Morgan, Morgan, you know his name is conspicuously absent from this card. Almost like he went out of his way not to sign it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations, you got his job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wa, uh, thank you sir, you know I am not quite sure I'm right for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Stop it George, he's out, you're in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> A lot more work you know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> A lot more responsibility. Long long hours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Not much more money. But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's what I'm afraid of. You know Mr. Steinbrenner, . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You know as painfull as it is I had to let a few people go over the years. Yogi Berra, Lou Pinella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Houser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Scott Marrow, Billy Martin, Bob Lemmon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter, ... uh, tut!, . . .George, you didn't hear that from me. (George exits) . . . George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Wink Script

1995-10-19

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE HOT TUB </b> Written by Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics. How do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking - How much did you lose by? I don't even know...! It was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was like, like... now..now..now...! It was it...! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained, I worked out, I exercised, I did everything, I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never did anything but exercise and work out for 20 years, I flew half way around the world and aaaaaaaaaah!...(showing a tiny distance between his index and thumb) And that was...it was a photo-finish! Silver...(stretching his neck forward)...gold. If I had a pimple, I would've won. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, George, Elaine) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Elaine) I can't believe you write for this J. Peterman catalog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Get this one - "I packed my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost in the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank god she spotted the epaulettes on my Norwegian ice-fishing vest". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This catalog is all about how to score in a foreign country. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. What do you do all day? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not that much. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> uh-uh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, when the season starts. Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you pull that off? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... (acts annoyed for 3 seconds). <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you do! He looks very busy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right. (gets up) Back to work. (acts annoyed and leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So did you come up with a little stupid story for the Himalayan walking shoe yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. I'm completely blocked! In fact, I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon runner coming in tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What marathon runner? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul... I met him when I was working at Pendant, editing a book on running... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't he the guy who overslept at the Olympics 4 years ago and missed the marathon?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan. (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you oversleep at the Olympics...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, I know. I know...! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, 6 alarm <b> </b><b> </b> clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging on your door... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated. This is his first race in 3 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah...that's a big responsability on your hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What responsibility? I don't have any responsibility. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gotta wake him up! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eh...he'll get up... <b> </b> (A woman passes by with a baby) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Judy. <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> Hi, Elaine. How are you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine. (laughs) <b> </b> (woman leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've seen her in your building. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know she was married. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (whispering) She's not... and the guy just took off. (makes a sad face) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Don't say anything to anybody. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whom I gonna tell? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, it's just something you have to say... <b> </b><b> </b> (George's office at the Yankee Stadium) <b> </b> (George is reading a newspaper when he hears a fly that lands on his desk. He tries to kill it <b> </b><b> </b> with the paper but misses. Mr. Wilhelm comes in. George switches to annoyed-mode) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George, we just got the final budget numbers. We went over budget on some of the items, <b> </b><b> </b> but I don't think there's gonna be a problem. (hands over the budget file to a very <b> </b><b> </b> annoyed George) I'll let you get back to work, George. (Mr. Wilhelm leaves the office) <b> </b><b> </b> (George hears the fly again. It lands on the wall and he starts bashing it with the file. <b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Wilhelm sees George hitting the wall with the budget file and shakes his head, worried) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment - Jerry, George) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He overslept and missed the whole race. Isn't that amazing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AM/PM mixed-up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra 5 and it never came back <b> </b><b> </b> on. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water on the sink) <b> </b><b> </b> Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't trust 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I have a uh...mental alarm. I set my head for... quarter to seven and... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (makes sound with the lips - "pop!") ...I get up! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Always works? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It never fails. See, it's based on your body clock. See, your body has an internal <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> mechanism. It knows what time it is. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> uh-uh. What's with the bucket? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Lomez, he sold me his hot tub. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hot tub? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah yeah, it's in my living room. I just gotta fill it. (points to bucket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You put a hot tub... in your living room? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume aqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over 120 degrees! (happy) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that tolerable? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't that the same temperature the coffee that scalded you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I think it's a little cooler than that... (smiles and leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He uh...doesn't have any running water? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't ask those kind of questions anymore. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry) <b> </b> (Elaine and Jean-Paul come in) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry about the Olympics. <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Me too. (disappointed) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work to see if I can get my deadline extended. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I can't...come up with anything for this thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah...catalog writer's block? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's funny. (annoyed) <b> </b> (Elaine leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pause) So what happened? The snooze alarm, wasn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Man, it wasn't the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> AM/PM. </b> <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Man, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the volume. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah...the volume. <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, separate knob. <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?! (frustrated) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Oh, please, man, please! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again. Not if I have anything to say about it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine returns) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, what's the alarm clock situation in your house? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a simple question... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got an alarm, ok? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight to Cleveland because of that alarm clock? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Flight to Cleveland? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It works. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It... works! <b> </b> (George's office at the Yankee Stadium) <b> </b> (George is doing the newspaper's crossword. The pen stops working.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh...come oooon...(starts stabbing the paper with the pen. Mr. Wilhelm comes in) <b> </b><b> </b> (George switches to annoyed-mode again) <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George...I think you may be taking work a little too seriously. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well...I've got a lot to do! <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. I, I'd like you to drop everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George acts annoyed) <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> I have this... fun little assignment I think you'll enjoy. There's some reps in from <b> </b><b> </b> the Houston Astros for talks on that interleague play... and I want you to show them a <b> </b><b> </b> good time.(George acts like "ok, you're the boss") <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment - Jerry) <b> </b> (Elaine comes in) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Sorry I'm late. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're 40 minutes late. What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got held up. Do you mind if I heat this muffin up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? (Elaine puts her muffin in the microwave and sets the timer) What is the problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you said you were gonna be here at a certain time, and you weren't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> uh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, means that a man has come from very far away to compete in a very difficult race, <b> </b><b> </b> he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh are you?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I am. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I'm not running in the marathon! He is! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know that! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I got enough to think about just tryin' to come up with some load o'crap for that <b> </b><b> </b> Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay, I'll set an alarm, but <b> </b><b> </b> I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul and Kramer come in) I'm talking about waking <b> </b><b> </b> him up! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Jean-Paul. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was a good soak? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Ah, man, very good soak. The soak o'the year! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (smelling) What's burning? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin! (opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh I don't know. I set this thing for 20 seconds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This was set for 2 minutes. See? <b> </b> (Jerry raises his hands in the air, worried) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointing at Jerry) Don't say anything! Don't..say..anything! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> You miss-set the timer... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (leaning against the refrigerator) Jean-Paul, it's not my microwave, ok? Ok? All right, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> listen, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry) All right. We'll see you at the race, ok? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I hope so ?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh that's cute! (closes door and exits with Jean-Paul) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't know whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta take over <b> </b><b> </b> this whole operation! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, look how tense you are... You need to take a soak. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria frat you got goin' there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, I'm tellin' you, it's great. I opened up all the windows... the air is cold, the <b> </b><b> </b> tub is boiling hot... It's like Sweden, man. Sweeeeden! <b> </b> (Kramer's hot tub) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The water is at 105.F degrees. Kramer takes his robe off and goes inside) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (relaxing) ...oooohhh yeeaaah... aaahhh... (he is really enjoying this) <b> </b><b> </b> (in a bar - George and 3 other men, drinking) <b> </b><b> CLAYTON </b> ...'till this bastard over here says: "let's call the sons o'bitches and go visit 'em on <b> </b><b> </b> New York!" (the 3 men laugh) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiling) Well, we're certainly glad that you could make it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GARDNER </b> I like your organization, George. We've been talkin' to a really friendly son of a bitch <b> </b><b> </b> in the front office. Wilhelm, I think his name. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah... <b> </b><b> GARDNER </b> He told us that George Costanza was gonna be takin' us bastards out on the town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "that son of a bitch doesn't know what he's got in store <b> </b><b> </b> for him!". (the 3 men laugh once more) <b> </b><b> ZEKE </b> Finish your drink? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah, al-almost. Almost. <b> </b><b> ZEKE </b> Let's get that bastard bring us another round! (waves to bartender) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLAYTON </b> You a big drinker, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well...maybe not as much as this bastard... (points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> hold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking) <b> </b> (Kramer's hot tub) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The water is now at 53 degrees. Kramer is asleep inside and he's all trembling. He wakes up, <b> </b><b> </b> frozen, making trembling sounds, reaches for his robe and puts it on while in the tub.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, Jean-Paul) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this morning because I'm concerned. Concerned that <b> </b><b> </b> tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And the person with whom you <b> </b><b> </b> have chosen to stay... is uh... <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> What are you saying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm saying "get the hell outta there"! Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be comfortable, <b> </b><b> </b> you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll have a wake-up call, <b> </b><b> </b> Jean-Paul! A wake-up call! <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Wake-up call... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> These people never fail. They sit in a room with a big clock all night long, just waitin' <b> </b><b> </b> to make that call! (George comes in) <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> No, I will stay with Elaine. It would be rude. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, you bastards. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how was the meeting? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I really like those sons of bitches. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sons of bitches? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. <b> </b><b> </b> Yeah, it's like uh..."boy, that son of a bitch Box can really hit, uh?!" (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Really?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the major league. (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer walks in wearing winter coat, scarf, cap, gloves... They all look at him very surprised) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Heeeeey... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How many sweaters you got on? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh...four. (to waitress) Yeah, could I have a cup o'tea? Boiling hot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's goin'on? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I fell asleep in the hot tub and the heat pump broke. Water went down to 58 degrees. <b> </b><b> </b> I can't get my core temperature back up! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your core temperature? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jean-Paul) Here, feel my hand. (takes off glove) Yeah, feel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Phew... this son of a bitch is ice-cold. (smiles) <b> </b><b> </b> (inside an airplane - the 3 men) <b> </b> (They are calling George at the Yankee Stadium, while they're drinking and laughing in the plane) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> CLAYTON </b> uh...is that you, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLAYTON </b> Well listen, you son of a bitch! You know where we are? 30 000 feet above your head, you <b> </b><b> </b> bastard! (the 3 laugh and howl) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are they doin' lettin' you bastards on an airplane? Don't they know that's against <b> </b><b> </b> FAA regulation? <b> </b><b> CLAYTON </b> (to the other 2 men) Hey, hush up, now! I can't hear him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen. I want you guys to send along those agreements the minute you land. Our boys <b> </b><b> </b> can't wait to kick your butts! <b> </b><b> ZEKE </b> (to Clayton) When's that bastard comin' to Houston? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLAYTON </b> Hey, Zeke wants to know when you Yankee bastards are comin' to Houston! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston. Not as long as you <b> </b><b> </b> bastards are running things. <b> </b><b> CLAYTON </b> Hey, uh, speak up, George, I can't hear ya! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George yelling) You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is <b> </b><b> </b> ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things! <b> </b><b> </b> (Mr.Wilhelm comes running, takes the phone from George and hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George! George, get a hold of yourself! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr.Wilhelm... <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> What's the matter with you?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I-I... <b> </b> (Elaine's office - Elaine) <b> </b> (She's trying to think of a story for the shoes while she's at the computer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (thinking and typing) It was a cold winter's night in Timbuktu... <b> </b><b> </b> (hits the keyboard) Oh! This stinks! (grabs a Himalayan walking shoe and starts squeezing <b> </b><b> </b> it for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God! (quits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's building - Jean-Paul, Judy with baby) <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> I'm a friend of Elaine's. <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> Oh, hi. <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> (looks at the baby) oooooh...look at the cute little bastard... (the building manager <b> </b><b> </b> comes in) you are mama's little bastard, aren't you? (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Judy goes away angry and Jean-Paul is surprised by that) <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Whatta hell are you doin' harassing my tenants? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> (smiling) Oh come on, you son of a bitch. I'm just trying to be friendly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> All right, that's it! (grabs Jean-Paul and gets him out) Let's go! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> What...but I got a race tomorrow! <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment at night- Kramer) <b> </b> (Kramer is lying on Jerry's sofa, "fully" dressed and covered with a blanket. Jerry and George <b> </b><b> </b> come in) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whoa...it's like a furnace in here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh whatta hell is goin'on?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I turned up the heat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Turn up the heat in your apartment! (opens a window) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm freezin'! I just need to get my hot tub running. I'm waiting for my new heat pump. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well what's in this giant box out in the hall? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh? Oh that must be it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's huge! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they had. It's industrial strength. 16000 BTU's. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello?...yeah, I can be there in 10 minutes...you can count on me! (hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Jerry is going to his bedroom) What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got the call...! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jean-Paul? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts like he scored) <b> </b><b> </b> (hotel - Jerry, Jean-Paul. Sitting in different beds) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretty lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Man, I just want to get some sleep. (gets into bed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. (picks up the alarm clock) Let's check out the clock. Notch good... <b> 6:50... </b><b> </b><b> </b> volume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda music you wanna wake up to? <b> </b><b> </b> Top 40, classical... <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Man, whatever! (annoyed) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about adult contemporary? <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Fine, adult contemporary. Just pick one! (irritated) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right...we're going with adult contempo... (puts alarm away, gets phone) now... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials) <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Yes, yes, the wake-up guy. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> (on the phone) Front desk...? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up call for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Yes sir. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four...one...niner... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Yes, I got it sir. You only had to say it once. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, but it's a very important wake-up call... and I don't wanna take any chances. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Every wake-up call I make is important. You're no more important than any of our guests. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I just...don't wanna get into a whole thing with you here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Are you through? (annoyed) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry pauses thinking) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> humm... <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> What is it...? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I offended the wake-up guy...! (worried) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> No, no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's got it in for me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Man, he doesn't got "in" for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if he doesn't call now out of spite? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> It is his job! <b> </b> (Jerry sits down) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pause) Not comfortable... (gets up again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> For God's sake...! (gets up and they start packing) <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine comes in) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jean-Paul? (searching everywhere) Hey Jean-Paul? Jean-Paul? (worried) Jean-Paul?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Oh man... (calling Jerry's) Oh...machine. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S MACHINE </b> I'm not here, leave a message. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul's missing! He's alone in the city! Call me back. (hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b> (She leaves her apartment and knocks on Judy's door) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Judy, hi, listen... <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> You have got some nerve, Elaine! I told you about that baby in confidence! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh I didn't tell anyone. <b> </b><b> JUDY </b> Well your friend certainly seemed to know all about it. (shuts the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Jean-Paul come in) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Feel much better here at my home base, Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> It's a marathon, you know. 26 miles! I need to get some sleep! (lies on the sofa) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you there in Barcelona...you'd be polishing that medal <b> </b><b> </b> right now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket) <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Left a comfortable hotel bedroom for this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That wake-up guy was trouble! All right, I'll be right back. (goes knocking on Kramer's) <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer checks the water temperature and then opens the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (shouting) Man that thing is noisy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking along pretty good! We're almost up to 80 degrees! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your mental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes the "pop!" sound) Done! (Jerry stares, confused) <b> </b><b> </b> (street at night- Elaine walking and thinking, very worried) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (the following voices are on Elaine's mind) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's put his faith in you. He's put his faith in you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> I trust Elaine, she is my friend. I trust Elaine, she is my friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Frankly, I'm a little concerned. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times! It's never looked so <b> </b><b> </b> strange! The faces...so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless...a bastard <b> </b><b> </b> child, perhaps. My back aches...my heart aches...but my feet (stops to look at her feet) <b> </b><b> </b> ...my feet are resilient! (a big smile grows in her face, as she thinks...) Thank God I <b> </b><b> </b> took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!! (lifting her arms up in <b> </b><b> </b> the air, in ecstasy, as she says...) Yes! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> 02 AM. Jean-Paul's sleeping at the sofa) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> 02 AM. Kramer snores. The heat pump short circuits and blows the fuses on the entire building) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> 02) </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 4:02? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh! Eight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up! Wake uuuuup! <b> </b><b> </b> (gets out of bedroom, in panic) Jean-Paul! The electricity went out! Wake up! Wake up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> WE GOTTA GO! IT'S 8 </b><b> 47! </b> <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> 8:47!? (jumps out of the sofa) <b> </b> (both running around, getting ready to go) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, just put your clothes on! You'll get dressed in the car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Idiot! I trusted you! <b> </b> (Kramer comes in wrapped up in a blanket) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, what happened to the building?! The electricity went out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to your mental alarm?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs by Kramer and Kramer falls down) <b> </b><b> </b> (New York marathon) <b> </b> (Jerry and Jean-Paul try to get to the starting line through a crowd) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Make way! I've got-I've got a runner here! Get outta the way! Make way! Make way! <b> </b><b> </b> Make way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them) <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Hey, hold it! <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> I'm late, man, I'm in the race! <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Go ahead. <b> </b><b> JEAN-PAUL </b> Thank you Jerry, you're a wonderful driver. Fantastic route, man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, go, it's a race! Come on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George Steinbrenner's office at the Yankee Stadium) <b> </b> (George comes in) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wanted to see me, Mr.Steinbrenner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Yes, George, come in, come in. George, word up's you've been cracking under the <b> </b><b> </b> pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no, Mr.Steinbrenner, I can explain... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Oh we all get a little cuckoo sometimes George, I used to be like you. Rating <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening <b> </b><b> </b> to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (New York marathon - Jerry, Elaine, Kramer) <b> </b> (They're waiting for the runners to run by. Kramer remains "fully" dressed and is carrying a <b> </b><b> </b> thermos with tea). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm tellin'you, I never told anyone about that baby. I never even went near your building! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then how did she find out, Jerry?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you should check with the rabbi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Elaine) You want some hot tea? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh no, thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. There's some runners. Here they come! <b> </b><b> </b> (The first runner to appear is Jean-Paul) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's Jean-Paul! He's up front! He's leading! (jumping) Go Jean-Paul!(starts screaming) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, let's go Jean-Paul! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Go Jean-Paaaaaul! <b> </b> (We switch over to Jean-Paul. We hear him breathing. We hear his heart beating. Some people offer <b> </b><b> </b> him drinks. Jean-Paul grabs one, Kramer's hot tea, and leaves scene. Kramer gets very surprised. <b> </b><b> </b> We then hear Jean-Paul screaming in pain, and it's not hard to guess why. Kramer puts on a <b> </b><b> </b> "whatta hell" look, Elaine puts on an "ouch" look and Jerry puts on his "it's a shame" one.) <b> </b><b> </b> (George and Mr.Steinbrenner inside a hot tub) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> How're you enjoying it, George? Melts that tension away, doesn't it? You gotta get that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh. Uh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's real good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep all my tension. Right down to that chicken bone. Sometimes I get my wife to just stuck her thumb right in there like a screwdriver. Ya know, the Phillips head, not the flat one. Oh God, those flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, but it slips out. You put it in again, slips out again. You a single man, George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (bored to death) Well, I-I just recently uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> I'll tell you, if you wanna get something wild goin'on in your life, you get a girl and bring her to one o'these things. Just like 4 shots a wild turkey. (laughs) She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy. (George starts sliding, until he gets all his head -and glasses- under water, as Steinbrenner keeps talking) A show, about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? You know we used to talk. I don't think he liked me very much, you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Hot Tub Script

1995-11-02

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SOUP NAZI </b> Written by Spike Feresten <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Which one you wanna go to shmoopy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> You're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna be? Pick a theater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> No. You have a good lunch. But I'll meet you back here for the movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Sheila. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, then. I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Bye shmoopy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye shmoopy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. We ready to go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Please. Please, let's go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. We gotta go to the soup place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What soup place? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Stunned by soup? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. All right. Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? What happens if you don't order right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He yells and you don't get your soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. All right. Let's - let's go over that again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The main thing is to keep the line moving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, boy, I'm really scared! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. Armoire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ar-moire. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How much is this? <b> </b><b> FURNITURE GUY </b> I was asking 250, but you got a nice face. 2 even. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always wanted one of these things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He gave you the nice face discount. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about the soup? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm getting an armoire, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (in French accent) Pardon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This line is huge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's like this all the time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Isn't that that Bania guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. It is. Just be still. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hard to believe. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know what they call him? Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Okay. Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Medium turkey chili. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Medium crab bisque. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't get any bread. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just forget it. Let it go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Bread -- $2 extra. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You want bread? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, please. <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b><b> $3! </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> No soup for you! (snaps fingers) <b> </b> (cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean I can't bring in here? I live here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUPER </b> It's Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving on Sunday. That's the rule. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't you just make an exception? Please. I've got a nice face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUPER </b> Tomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow. I'll even give you a hand, all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! Well, you're just gonna have to hold this for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FURNITURE GUY </b> I'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have layaway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please don't walk away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gave you a taste. What do you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why can't we share? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you hear yourself? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I gotta go back there and try again. Hi Sheila. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hi. Hi shmoopy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi shmoopy. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> No, you're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just don't feel like it anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just like that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just like that. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Boy, he's a weird guy, isn't he? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (taking Jerry's couch cushion) Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all <b> </b><b> </b> night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, sit on one of your couch cushions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but this is so nice and thick. Ahoy there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate you doing this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you need anything? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mulligatawny? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered to perfection by one of <b> </b><b> </b> the great soup artisans <b> </b> in the modern era. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most <b> </b><b> </b> geniuses are. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. I'll be back. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a second. You don't even know how to order. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No, Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already get soup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. I didn't get it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? What happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I made a mistake. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Well, we'll see what happens to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite certain I'm walking out of <b> </b><b> </b> there with a bowl of soup. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or - or do you <b> </b><b> </b> find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I know! It is awful! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why do they have to do that in front of people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that with the shmoopy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! Stop it! I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is <b> </b><b> </b> actually called shmoopy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, we should say something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, we absolutely should. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't he know what a huge turnoff <b> </b><b> </b> that is? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. He can be so weird sometimes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still haven't figured him out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. Me neither. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, God! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go. Bread. Beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You're pushing your luck little man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry. Thank you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi there. Um, uh -- (drumming on countertop) Oh! Oh! Oh! One <b> </b><b> </b> mulligatawny and, um.... <b> </b> what is that right there? Is that lima bean? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Never been a big fan. (coughing) Um..you know what? Has anyone ever <b> </b><b> </b> told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, " Scent Of A Woman." <b> </b><b> </b> Who-ah! Who-ah! <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Very good. Very good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I -- <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You know something? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmmm? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> No soup for you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Come back one year! Next! <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Look at this. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> It's an antique. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> It's all hand made and I love the in-lay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No. <b> </b><b> </b> Pick it up from the bottom over there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> What does it look like we're doing? We're taking this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Look, you wanna get hurt? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> BOB </b> I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can <b> </b><b> </b> hurt you. Now, just back off. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Bob. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Just pick it up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is this, huh? <b> </b><b> BOB </b> You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's discrimination! I'm gonna <b> </b><b> </b> call the states' attorney office. I really am. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, you have to taste this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. All right. Give me a tsate. Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit <b> </b><b> </b> down. What happened? Where's my armoire? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, b -- it was stolen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha--? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> These street toughs, they robbed me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Street toughs took my armoire? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've <b> </b><b> </b> seen the way they talked to me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe this! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, where's the soup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh...yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you gonna get? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> I'll decide at the last minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You better decide, sister. You're on deck. Sheila! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Soup Nazi pounding on countertop) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Hey, what is this? You're kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> my line! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> I can kiss anywhere I want to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You just cost yourself a soup! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving. Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I know you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a bisque. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> much more normal than you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Your top priority is soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you tastes the soup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. All right. You made the right decision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Sheila than with the Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. I know. Me, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, did these thieves want any money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They just wanted the armoire? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. They were..quite taken with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (interom buzzes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hup! Hup! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. In what way? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me, or <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Were you just talking about me? What's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Something's going on here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, (claps hands) I'm gonna go get some soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> One of these days that guy is gonna get his. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, how was the movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Happy? Why should I be happy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, but you look like you're happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why should I care? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't fool me. Don't insult me, George because I know when <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you're happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that so? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Disgusting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> People who do that should be arrested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You shook my hand in that coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're still with the pact? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mmm-hmm. You reneged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All I did was shake your hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah-ha! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Ohh! This city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> One large jambalaya, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> So, continue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, my friend is awful disappointed is all. You know, she's very <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> emotional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Thank you. (inhaling deeply) Jambalaya! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> All right, now listen to me. You have been a good friend. I have <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're welcome <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to it. So, take it, it's yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How can I possibly thank you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You are the only one who understands me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You suffer for your soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Yes. That is right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> How can I tolerate any less from my customer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> Uh, gazpacho, por favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Por favor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> Um, I'm part Spanish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Adios muchacho! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Git. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was stupid of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Well, it was very insulting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Well, behind every joke there's some truth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> there and they don't have it he says " Aw, I'll just have some <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> coffee." There's no truth to that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Well, I guess you're right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, am I forgiven, shmoopy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Yes, shmoopy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey, Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yes. Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hello. Won't you join us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. That's right. You got a problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, uh, just think it's a little unusual. Two people to sit on one <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> side...and leave the other side empty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we're changing the rules. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahh. Good for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aw, what are you getting George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, honey. What do you want to get? (in babying voice) I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much. <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, George, you're so sweet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie weetie weetie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aww! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a little tuna? You want a little <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> tuna fishy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yum yum little tuna fishy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George &amp; Susan begin making out; Jerry &amp; Sheila begin making out in order <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to keep up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And..voila! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gasps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the K Man do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The K Man did it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing) How much did you pay for this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How 'bout zero? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Who's was it? Where'd you get it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll tell ya where I got it. I got it from the guy you so callously <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> refer to as the Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards through her <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> swinging door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Soup Nazi gave it to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I told him the whole story and he just let me have it. Wha -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Yeah. He's a wonderful man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gasps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood but, uh.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm just gonna go down there and personally thank him. I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Well, he's a dear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much tip do you leave on $8.15? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You know sweetie, I just want you to know that I was so proud of you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a great step <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> forward in our relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (in babying voice) Because you love your little kiki don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> How is he today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> I think he's in a good mood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire and it is so beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm heading over to Elaine's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Those two? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. That's them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, let's confront 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Oh, wow look, that one is gorgeous. I would just kill for that one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Oh, not in blue. Blue does not go with all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Oh, please. Do you know what you're talking about? Because I don't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> think you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Are you talking to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, well, uh, we -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> I said, are you talking to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> talking to?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> other, weren't we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry &amp; Kramer turn around and run away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> What? What is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let me see this. (gasps) You know what this is? This is a recipe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> These are his recipes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERY </b> So? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? So, his secret's out. Don't you see? I could give these to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could - I could <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> drop fliers from a plane above the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you're going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you care? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, I don't want you causing any trouble down at that soup <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stand. I happen to love that soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out of my way, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, let the man make his soup! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't make me hurt you, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Look, they have it in blue...for my baby bluey. Are you my baby <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> bluey? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well. Well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Susan, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You know, I really like Sheila a lot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Mmm-hmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because we're kind of not seeing each other anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, no! That's too bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn't quite make the connection. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Mmm-hmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You did? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. See ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Go on! Leave! Get out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> But I didn't do anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Next! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> That is my recipe for wild mushroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Mulliga...tawny? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Something's happened with the Soup Nazi! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wha - wha - what's the matter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more soup for any of us! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, where are you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Soup Nazi Script

1995-11-09

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SECRET CODE </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They really got us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just like chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute. You see people at the cash machine; they're just there. Just, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting for the sound, you know the sound, you're waiting for the sound. That's what we're trained to hear, the 'here comes the money' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip flip flip flip flip. It's exciting, don't you get excited? It's coming! It's coming! They're giving me money! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Susan are in George's apartment) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna run down to the ATM. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I better grab some too. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I'll get it for you; just give me your card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You sure? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, just tell me your code. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My code? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George are at the coffee shop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So why didn't you tell her the code? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. No way. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It says very clearly, 'for your protection, do not give your secret code to anyone.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, that's the definition of selfish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have you ever given your code to anyone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No one's ever asked. You want it? It's 'Jor-El.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Superman's father on Krypton. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna tell me. It's eating you up inside. Sing it, sister. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. I am not giving my code to anyone for any reason. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if my life depended on it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry stands up and begins limping. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the matter with your leg? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My foot fell asleep. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How'd your foot fall asleep? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> A friend of George and Jerry's walks up to the table. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Hey Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Fred. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Fred. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My foot fell asleep. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> You're lucky, at least you got something to do. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine walks in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fred, do you know Elaine? <b> </b><b> FRED </b> No, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm outta here, see you guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, bye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seeya. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to meet you.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's party, we talked for like ten <b> </b><b> </b> minutes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And he didn't remember you? <b> </b> Elaine gets up to leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you going, you just got here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I gotta go talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine catches up to Fred on the street. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me, excuse me, Fred? <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You just said, 'nice to meet you', but actually we've met before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> We have? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, at Katie Ash's party? <b> </b><b> FRED </b> What was your name again? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Elaine. You don't remember our conversation? I talked about how my <b> </b><b> </b> uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Not ringing a bell. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> When my uncle said to him, 'the president's been shot' Oswald winked at <b> </b><b> </b> him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'? <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Mmm, no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That was right when we were in front of the bathroom door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> The bathroom door. I remember someone had played tic-tac-toe on it, and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do some TV commercials, that should <b> </b><b> </b> really be fun. <b> </b> Kramer enters holding a police scanner. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how do you like that? I'm gonna do <b> </b><b> </b> some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry <b> </b><b> </b> himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything: Fires, <b> </b><b> </b> harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. Uh oh, we <b> </b><b> </b> got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, I'd give it all up <b> </b><b> </b> to be a fireman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that <b> </b><b> </b> big hook and ladder. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're lucky they let you drive a car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no no, they're talking the West Side Highway, at this time of day <b> </b><b> </b> that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer runs out, Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (waving his arm in dismissal) Eh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright. So, get a load of this. This guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers <b> </b><b> </b> every little thing about that night except me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet that many women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you saying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ya know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now he wants to take me out to <b> </b><b> </b> dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why would I wanna do that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh please, Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells <b> </b><b> </b> these stories, it's gonna be awful. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, sounds like fun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Susan are at George's apartment. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I want you to tell me, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? Why is my code so important? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Because, it's part of our relationship, it's an indication of trust. <b> </b><b> </b> We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I'm sure you have secrets from me. I don't know anything about <b> </b><b> </b> your cycles. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> My cycles? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I never know what's going on there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well from now on I'll keep you apprised of my cycles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Anything else? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're out of Bosco! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Leapin' Larry are in the office at the appliance store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Howbout this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our <b> </b><b> </b> prices, we'll give you the store. <b> </b><b> LEAPIN' LARRY </b> Ya know I've always liked your comedy, you don't take cheap <b> </b><b> </b> shots. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I don't. <b> </b><b> LEAPIN' LARRY </b> Sorry for keeping you here so long. Again, I apologize for the <b> </b><b> </b> mess. This renovation is killing me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My foot's asleep again! <b> </b> Leapin' Larry walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe limp, <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEAPIN' LARRY </b> When I lost my leg in the boating accident, I got so depressed <b> </b><b> </b> about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business. <b> </b><b> </b> But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what? I'll be with you in a minute. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry stands and begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin' Larry's <b> </b><b> </b> employee begins laughing. <b> </b><b> EMPLOYEE </b> That is a great impression! <b> </b> Leapin' Larry walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed. Jerry is <b> </b><b> </b> embarrassed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Larry, wait, you don't understand! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Kramer are in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making fun of crippled people, is <b> </b><b> </b> that what you've sunk to? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell asleep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, oh your foot fell asleep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you'd think he had a sense of humor about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> munjamba? <b> </b> Jerry's door buzzer rings, Jerry presses the button. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yup. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Hup. <b> </b> A news bulletin is shown on the TV. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire I was listening to yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow, the whole building burned down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They just don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's all up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The amazing thing is you never have any place to go. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves, George enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where we gonna eat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course not, if I did would you have gone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No way. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There you go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna <b> </b><b> </b> have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be <b> </b><b> </b> off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Trust me, you're off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine bumps into Fred on the street. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi Fred. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Um, hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Elaine. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Oh yeah, yeah, right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How ya doin'? <b> </b><b> FRED </b> I'm depressed. I got this new shirt, the button fell off. Once the <b> </b><b> </b> button falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's too bad. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Yeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I feel depleted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm. I never take them. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Cause they make you nauseous, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Do you wanna have dinner tonight? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm. Tonight. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> What, you have other plans? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up in <b> </b><b> </b> mid-conversation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Alright, you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. <b> </b><b> </b> The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your <b> </b><b> </b> ATM code. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Call the Embassy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're closed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bomb threat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're in Turkey? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Midnight Express, my friend. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My card won't work there; they're not on the Plus system. <b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Peterman walks in. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> You must be Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> J. Peterman. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> J. Crew. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, is Elaine here? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh, Elaine just called, she won't be joining us. Not to worry, I'll <b> </b><b> </b> tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's going on? He still wants to have dinner with us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Without Elaine? What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, is he crazy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave your web, liar man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, what's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm choking! <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Ah, Fong has been most accommodating. Shall we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that <b> </b><b> </b> I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I understand, no hard feelings. George and I will miss your company. <b> </b><b> </b> Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is waiting on the street. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe this, is this guy standing me up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Peterman are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story. George is <b> </b><b> </b> disinterested. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> ...And there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of my <b> </b><b> </b> search. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded under a starlit <b> </b><b> </b> sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes seven-and-a-half <b> </b><b> </b> through eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Howbout sports? Do you follow sports? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn beside him on <b> </b><b> </b> the couch. <b> </b><b> TV ANNOUNCER </b> It's fourth and inches and the Giants are going for it! You <b> </b><b> </b> gotta love sports! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Peterman is driving George home. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, this is very nice, but I really could take a cab. Really. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Ha ha, nonsense, George. Besides it gives me a chance to tell you <b> </b><b> </b> about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual corduroy. <b> </b><b> </b> The car phone rings, Peterman answers. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Peterman here. What? Oh no. Alright, I'll be right there. (To <b> </b><b> </b> George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to God we can make <b> </b><b> </b> it there in time. <b> </b> Peterman makes a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the passenger side <b> </b><b> </b> window. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is on the phone with Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe you blew us off; we were doing you the favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Fred asked me out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fred? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't get this guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> remember anything about you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am? But that's so sick. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway, so how was the dinner? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, when I heard you weren't coming I made up and excuse and got the <b> </b><b> </b> hell out of there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about Georgie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, he didn't make it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Peterman's mother's house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting with the <b> </b><b> </b> doctor. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Doctor, how is she? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> She's too weak to talk but she'll be happy to hear your voice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Mama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for you, mama. <b> </b><b> </b> She looks off in George's direction. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having dinner with your son. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Peterman's mother's apartment. George is sleeping in a chair with a coat <b> </b><b> </b> covering him. Peterman wakes him up. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Shake off the dew, my friend. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. What time is it? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> It's morning. Thanks for seeing me through the night. I'll make us <b> </b><b> </b> a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Momma. Just talk to her, George. The doctor seems to think it <b> </b><b> </b> helps. <b> </b> Peterman leaves, George attempts conversation. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. I-I really should be getting back to my fiancé, you know, we, uh, <b> </b><b> </b> we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my <b> </b><b> </b> secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I <b> </b><b> </b> would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You uh, you wanna <b> </b><b> </b> know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I love that <b> </b><b> </b> stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, that is a <b> </b><b> </b> relief! <b> </b><b> MRS. PETERMAN </b> Bosco. Bosco. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, shhh. <b> </b><b> MRS. PETERMAN </b> Bosco! <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Momma? <b> </b> George" Quiet, quiet! It's a secret. <b> </b><b> MRS. PETERMAN </b> Bosco! Bosco! Bosco! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shut up! Shut up! <b> </b> Peterman runs in. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Momma! What are you trying to say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. PETERMAN </b> Bosco. <b> </b> Mrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> She's gone. Bosco? <b> </b> Peterman looks at George, who shrugs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't <b> </b><b> </b> bailed out on me at the restaurant. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did not bail out on you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well why couldn't you include me in your excuse? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't you come up with your own? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I froze. I think I'm losing it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. I reached down and there was *nothing* there. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am not giving you my code. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll bet I can guess it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pssh. Yeah. Right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out <b> </b><b> </b> birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a <b> </b><b> </b> word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, <b> </b><b> </b> you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your <b> </b><b> </b> pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet <b> </b><b> </b> tooth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get out of here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the <b> </b><b> </b> cocoa bean. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm leaving. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, and only the <b> </b> purest syrup nectar can satisfy you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shut up! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nestlé's Quik! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shut up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and George are at the funeral. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You just checked your watch. Are you thinking of bailing on him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got a date. <b> </b> Mr. Peterman walks up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Mr. Peterman. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh, Elaine. George, when momma said 'Bosco' she must have been <b> </b><b> </b> trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy <b> </b><b> </b> person. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, I've <b> </b><b> </b> gotta get going. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> You do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, yes, actually we-we both do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I have a personal commitment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, personal, I mean, we both uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm speaking at a women's' rights conference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I don't believe that for a minute. Well, Elaine, it was good of you <b> </b><b> </b> to stop by. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My pleasure. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Fortunately, I still have George here to help me through this. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine leaves. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> You know George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor <b> </b><b> </b> that momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer busts in to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you wanna come down the fire station with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fire station? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, so he took you back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, we straightened it out, all is forgiven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I didn't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is at the fire station, talking with the Captain. <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Well, Mr. Kramer, your list of short cuts is most impressive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and this is just the Upper West Side. Wait until I get to the <b> </b><b> </b> Village, then you're gonna see a magic show. <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Mr. Kramer, just about every week some brash young hothead like <b> </b><b> </b> yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for <b> </b><b> </b> the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is back at Leapin' Larry's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, thanks for having me back, and sorry about the misunderstanding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEAPIN' LARRY </b> Water under the bridge. Come on, I never did get a chance to <b> </b><b> </b> show you around the store. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh sure. <b> </b> Jerry stands up to find his leg is asleep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, again? (Limping towards the door) I'll be right there. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry stomps his foot on the floor a few times before he leaves, he accidentally <b> </b><b> </b> bumps a paint can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid which spills onto <b> </b><b> </b> some exposed electrical wires causing a fire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back at the fire station, the alarm is ringing. <b> </b><b> DISPATCHER </b> Attention Company 390, structure fire at Leapin' Larry's Appliance <b> </b><b> </b> Warehouse. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. You gotta take Amsterdam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Stay out of this, Kramer. <b> </b> Kramer sees the firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a try. As he lands <b> </b><b> </b> he bumps one of the firemen into the truck, then to the floor in a daze. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are you ok, cowboy? Where do you need to go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FIREMAN </b> I drive the back of the truck. <b> </b> Kramer's face lights up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you'd better take it easy. <b> </b> Kramer grabs a coat and helmet and heads towards the back of the truck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Fred are having dinner. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Sorry about the other night but my mother called, she couldn't find her <b> </b><b> </b> pills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills, and they were <b> </b><b> </b> right there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> The worst part is getting from the subway station to the house. There's <b> </b><b> </b> no transportation... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he <b> </b><b> </b> didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him... <b> </b><b> FRED </b> ...I could have taken a cab but if my mother saw me pull up in a cab, <b> </b><b> </b> she'd start yelling at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for? It's so <b> </b><b> </b> expensive!" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Peterman are sitting beside the casket. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Bosco. Bosco. Bosco. <b> </b><b> </b> There's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going up in flames! <b> </b><b> </b> Peterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks back. George is <b> </b><b> </b> still sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Inside the speeding fire engine. <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Gonna make a left onto Broadway. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I would advise against that. <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Who is this? <b> </b> Quick cut to Kramer driving the back of the fire truck. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Kramer! <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Kramer?! What the hell are you doing back there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> DeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Outside Leapin' Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances as smoke pours <b> </b><b> </b> from the building. A woman approaches Jerry. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> How did this start? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beats me. <b> </b><b> LEAPIN' LARRY </b> Where the hell's the fire department? I'm gonna lose the whole <b> </b><b> </b> store! <b> </b> Cut back to Kramer on the truck. <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Kramer, get the hell off of there. You're not trained to operate this <b> </b><b> </b> equipment! <b> </b><b> MAN ON THE STREET </b> Hey, Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b> Cut back to Leapin' Larry's. <b> </b><b> LEAPIN' LARRY </b> Try the scanner, see if you can pick up anything. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry turns on the scanner. <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> What are you doing, Kramer?! You're all over the road! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer? <b> </b> Cut to Kramer losing control of the truck. <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> You're losing control! Hard right! Hard right! <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Jerry holding the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing sound, and <b> </b><b> </b> then static. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, that's a shame. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Peterman lead a group of people down a smoke filled block. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> The fire will eat up this entire block! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They come upon an ATM vestibule. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Look, there's a man in there. Get out of there, you're in danger! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> But my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine, it ate my card! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> George, give me your ATM card! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't have my ATM card. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> George, you're obviously lying, anyone can see that! <b> </b><b> </b> George pulls out his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it into the slot and <b> </b><b> </b> tries the door. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> It's jammed! I'll slide it under the door, <b> </b><b> </b> The man grabs the card and slams it into the machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Now give me your code! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What?! Why? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> The machine won't open without the code! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> George, give him your code! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I-I-I- <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> George, there's no time! Tell him your code! Shout out your code, <b> </b><b> </b> man!! <b> </b><b> MAN </b> The code!! The code!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in and drops some mail <b> </b><b> </b> on the coffee table. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi. Here's your cash, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hm. Thanks. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> And here's your card back. Anyone for Bosco? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god. Look at this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hm? <b> </b><b> PERRY </b> It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry hands the catalog to George.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Secret Code Script

1995-11-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE POOL GUY </b> Written by David Mandel <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me ask you a question. Who would win in a fight between you and me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what do you mean? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well if you and I ever got into, like a really serious fight you know, and the punches started flying -- who do you think would win? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I think that's pretty obvious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Me too. <b> </b> (Elaine enters carrying a cup of coffee) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here (pointing up and down at George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You mean in a real Fight Fight? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mona a Baldo. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the refrigerator) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George fights dirty. (she sips her coffee) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? What would you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled beverage) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So. Listen ... You're not doing anything tomorrow, are you? Because I have an extra ticket to the historical clothing exhibit at the Met. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would I want to see what Mary Todd wore to Lincoln's funeral? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's nobody I can go with. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what. I don't have one female friend left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no, of course you don't. You're a Man's Woman. You hate other women, and they hate you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms together) What time we going to the movies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, how about 8:30? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Saddle up and ride. (opens the fridge and pulls out some food -- takes a big bite) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want to get something to eat first? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ( mumbling with full mouth ) No, I'm good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wonder if, ah, Susan ... (picks up the phone from the coffee table, then decides not to call) No. I better just go. (claps hands) heh. All right! See ya. (grabs his rain coat from the hook by the door and rushes out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's nothing more pathetic, than a grown man, who's afraid of a woman. (voice get high-pitched for the last line) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, why don't cha ask Susan? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George's Susan? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Why not Susan. I should be friends with Susan. (smacks her forehead with hand) Of course! Susan! Oh! OK, I'll see you guys. Huh. (rushes out the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's gunna be trouble. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, don't you see? This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his world's collide. You know what happens then? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer raises his hands into the air and slowly brings them together in an explosion. He's holding some food in one hand, so when his hands come into contact food flies all over) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ka shha shha shha Pkooo (exploding sound) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Camera fades from the apt. to the Paragon Movie Theater. Jerry and Kramer wait outside in a line to buy tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did I tell you I'm getting a new telephone number? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How come? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whew, chicks man. Too many chicks know my number. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry looks at Kramer, raises his eyebrows with an expression that says really?) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> (recognizes Jerry) Hey Jerry. How are you Mr. Backstroke? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer this is Ramon, from the new health club I joined. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> So you know what happened don't chu? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No what? <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> I got fired. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Yeah, said I put too much chlorine in the pool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh. <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Hey well, ah, stay out of the deep end, eh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, see you later. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's in the deep end? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside. Susan sits on the couch reading. <b> </b><b> </b> (Telephone rings) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Elainie. What's going on? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sitting up in bed) Nothing much, um. Can I talk to Susan <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha, Yeah right, hang on, I'll ah, I'll get her for you. he, he, <b> </b> he, he. Seriously, what's up? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, George really. Can I talk to Susan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Susan, why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because I want to ask her to lunch and to the Met tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I don't think you want to do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well what would be the point of that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Susan, hearing her name glances over at George) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, are you going to put her on the phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where did this come from all of a sudden? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, are you going to let me talk to Susan, or Not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I really think I should have been consulted about this. <b> </b><b> </b> (George takes the phone from his ear and walks over to the couch and <b> </b> hands the phone to Susan) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here ... something. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hello? (with hesitant surprise) Oh, that sounds great. I love <b> </b> that sort of stuff. <b> </b> (George stands behind the couch, arms crossed with his right hand <b> </b> clenched up to his mouth. He takes off his glasses, puts his left hand <b> </b> just above his eyes and rubs them in disbelief and walks out of the <b> </b> room.) <b> </b><b> </b> Night exterior of a busy NYC street. Large lit advertising signs for <b> </b> Panasonic, JVC and a couple of McDonalds “Golden Arches” are visible. <b> </b> Then to the inside of the movie theater. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You want to sit here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next to Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh, <b> </b> Over there. (points to the next seat over) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Little buffer zone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves to the other seat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. If we were in my apartment and we were watching a <b> </b> movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. You got a point. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't ... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well these seats have no lumbar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend we're talking. <b> </b><b> </b> (Ramon is looking for a seat. He's carrying a drink, a bunch of <b> </b> napkins, and a huge bucket of popcorn) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We are talking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretend it's interesting. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and ah, well the police are <b> </b> still looking for me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah that's shocking, but sounds <b> ... </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Hey, hi Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hey Ramon. <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Hey, hey, I took a bunch of napkins. You want some? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Hey, ahhh, is this seat taken? <b> </b> (Ramon proceeds to sit down between Kramer and Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b> (As Ramon sits down, he bumps into Kramer and startles him. Jerry looks <b> </b> like he can't believe Ramon sat down. Ramon is bobbing his head front <b> </b> to back with his neck, like sitting there worked out pretty good) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of Jerry's apartment building then inside where Jerry and <b> </b> George are talking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And then the worst part is, after the movie, he leached on to us <b> </b> ... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours. Then he <b> </b> walks us home, all the way back to the front of the building. Finally I <b> </b> said, look Ramon, I gotta go to bed now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> By the way, have you spoken to Elaine yet today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sighs) She called Susan last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it was my idea. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your idea? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha'd you do that for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She was looking for someone to go to the show with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well that was a really stupid thing! You know what's going to <b> </b> happen now? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> World's collide. (points at George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whe ... Well yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because this world is your sanctuary and if that world comes into <b> </b> contact with -- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> YES! It Blows Up! So if you know that, what did you tell <b> </b> Elaine for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know. Kramer told me about the worlds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You couldn't figure out the “World's Theory” for yourself? It's <b> </b> just common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart. <b> </b><b> </b> (gesturing with hands going outward) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I guess I slipped up. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He knows the worlds theory. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is it blowing up? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha! (grabs his coat and exits the apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Telephone rings - Kramer pulls a cordless phone from his pocket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes the end button and <b> </b> pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving me <b> </b> crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well it's 555-3455. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> 555-3455. </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (picks up the phone on the coffee table) “555-3455.” Well wait a <b> </b> second, don't you see that's 555-FILK. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's Filk? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Filk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie Phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh Movie Phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, so people are just dialing it by mistake and getting you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, I'm Filk? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're Filk. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Mama. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Susan and Elaine are walking down the sidewalk. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well what about that number Susan B. Anthony wore to the 19th <b> </b> Amendment party. Hnuh. Eye yye yye. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh whoo. Quite the DèColletage for a suffragette. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha, ha, ha, ha, well it must have been one hell of a party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Whoo. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha, ha, ha, ha. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ehahh, forget it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? You can tell me. I'll put it in the vault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> The vault? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm-Hmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior shot of Physique (Jerry's health club) then inside to the men's <b> </b> locker room where Jerry is putting some clothes in a gym bag. Some men <b> </b> are in the background talking. <b> </b> the movies with Ramon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well, I didn't actually go with Ramon. I just bumped into <b> </b> him there. (putting on coat) <b> </b> you to cheer him up. <b> </b><b> PAUL </b> Tell him to call us. <b> </b><b> DUSTIN </b> Tell him, Dustin says, “Hello.” <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I gotta go. <b> </b><b> PAUL </b> To see Ramon? <b> </b> (Paul, with his eyes wide open looking at Jerry. Dustin stares off the <b> </b> other direction, laughing to himself) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of Jerry's apartment building, then inside Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What else did you two do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping for pretty bows, and then <b> </b> back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine stands there for a good 6 seconds with arms crossed, blank <b> </b> expression, just looking at Jerry) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's really what you think girls do, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I do. (very serious) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All rightee. (turns and walks to the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey you know George isn't to happy, ahh, about your new <b> </b> friendship. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? Well I don't really give a Sh... (closing the bathroom <b> </b> door) <b> </b> (Kramer enters and leaves the door open) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey man, what's going on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b> (Telephone rings) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh, here we go. (pulls a cordless phone from his pocket) Yeah <b> </b> hello. Yeah, no, no, no, hold on. <b> </b> (Kramer walks over to the table, opens the newspaper to the movie <b> </b><b> </b> section) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, Cupid's Rifle -- 8:30, Sony Lincoln Square. Yeah, no, no, <b> </b> no, no problem, yeah. <b> </b> (Kramer hangs up the cordless and pushes the antenna back in, puts the <b> </b> phone in his pocket) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're looking up movies for people now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got time. <b> </b> (Telephone rings) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And this. (pulls out the cordless phone from his pocket) Cosmo <b> </b> here. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, I'll help. Yeah, Firestorm's <b> </b><b> </b> good. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry , ah, he's seen it <b> </b> twice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't want to talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is backing away, as Kramer attempt to foist the phone on to <b> </b> Jerry, but he will not take it -- Kramer continues to try and get Jerry <b> </b> to take the phone from him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONTINUITY ERROR -- DURING THIS PART OF THE SCENE, WE CLEARLY </b><b> SEE </b><b> </b> Kramer's right hand holding the phone, his left hand is empty. This <b> </b> sequence is shot from several camera angles. At the end of the <b> </b><b> </b> sequence, Kramer is holding the folded newspaper in his left hand -- he <b> </b> did not reach over to pick up the paper -- so this is obviously a <b> </b><b> CONTINUITY ERROR </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just, just tell him about the picture. What's the matter with <b> </b> you? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still <b> </b><b> </b> showing. <b> </b> (Kramer walks out the open door and into his apt. with the newspaper. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine walks back into the living room, wondering what just happened, <b> </b><b> </b> she gestures towards Kramer as he exits) <b> </b> (Intercom buzzes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh that's George. (presses the intercom button) Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> (Hey it's Ramon) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> (Hey, It's Ramon Jerry. I'm coming up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh, what is he doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who? Who is Ramon? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's the pool guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What pool guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do me a favor. Just stick around while he's here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, no problem. <b> </b><b> ---------------------------------------------------- </b> <b> INCONSISTENCY IN REALITY -- RAMON SHOWS UP AT JERRY'S DOOR, </b><b> 8 SECONDS </b><b> </b> from the time when Jerry stops pressing the intercom buzzer. Either <b> </b> Ramon would have to run up 5 flights of stairs incredibly fast (he does <b> </b> not appear out of breath) or those are some very fast elevators. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> -- and we know from a Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend that Elaine complains <b> </b><b> ABOUT THE SLOW ELEVATORS IN JERRY'S APT. BUILDING. </b> <b> </b> Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend <b> ELAINE </b> You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? <b> </b> That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, <b> </b> because you don't have to be home on time. <b> ---------------------------------------------------- </b> <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Hee hey, hey Jerry (claps hands and points both index fingers at <b> </b> him) How are you, crazy guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye Jerry. (smiling as she <b> </b> closes the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she left <b> </b> him on his own) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, ah, what are you doing around here Ramon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Well, I was in the neighborhood. I figured I'd check you out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, actually, I ka, kinda had some things to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Oh, oh yeah. Wha? Where you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff, I gotta do. (grabs coat <b> </b> and throws it over his shoulder) <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Hey that's cool. I'm up for some stuff <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> (They head for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Moving subway cars blur by, then inside the subway car where Jerry sits <b> </b> next to Ramon <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> So get this. I get down there, and right away, I see the drain <b> </b> is clogged. I mean it's obvious. Can you believe it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right Ramon, I'm going to get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Subway train stops and door opens) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think we should separate here actually. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> What are you trying to say Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy. But I, I actually only <b> </b> have three friends. I really can't handle any more. <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Oh I see. It's cause I clean pools, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That has nothing to do with it. <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> You su -- (no audio) (through the moving subway window, Ramon is <b> </b> swearing and pointing at Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of George's apartment building then inside his apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, we got along real well. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, uh, she has no female friends! You know that, don't <b> </b> cha? Something strange about a woman who's friends are all men. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, I know. We talked all about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You talked all about that? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh yeah. Elaine opened up her vault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you just say vault? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, why? Did I use it wrong? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got that from Elaine. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. So what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well it's a little strange. You going to start to talk like <b> </b> Elaine from now on? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I don't know. Anyway I thought we'd all go to a movie on Friday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'd all go to movie on Friday? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is not good. World's are colliding! George is getting <b> </b> upset! <b> </b><b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Inside Jerry's apartment -- Jerry sits on the couch listening to George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is <b> </b> allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, <b> </b> Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but <b> </b> there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the <b> </b> George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar <b> </b> George, Bawdy George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I, I love that George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks <b> </b> through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided <b> </b> against itself, Cannot Stand! <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're Killing Independent George! You know that, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George I don't even want to get -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what word Susan used last night? Hnuh. Vault! hu, <b> </b> hu, hu. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She got that from you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I didn't tell here to say it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is she the only girl in the whole world? Why can't you get <b> </b> find your own girl? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I Like Her! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see (to Jerry). You see. You see what I'm talking about. <b> </b> It's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits <b> -- </b><b> </b> slamming the door) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you want to catch a movie later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ahh, yeah, sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have a paper though. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm. (picks up the phone and dials) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ring) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. Brought to you by the New <b> </b> York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin Bacon, <b> </b> Susan Sarandon -- “You've got to get me over that mountain!” “Now” <b> </b> (bang, bang) “AHHHHHHHHHH” There is no place higher than ... Mountain <b> </b> High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, <b> </b> press 1. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, is that you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, what time does Chow Fun start? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of the Physique health club, then inside to the men's locker <b> </b> room. <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Well, well. Look who's here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ramon, what are you doing here? You could get in trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> No, I don't think so Jerry. You see they gave me my job back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> I'm a pool boy ... again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look Ramon, about the other day. I'm sorry if I offended you. I <b> </b> get a little crabby on the subway. <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Do you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to all the towels? <b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Oh, ah, I guess they must have disappeared. (walks away) <b> </b><b> </b> (Newman rushes up to Jerry) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey Jerry. Look at all the towels they gave me! I really hit <b> </b> the jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his face <b> </b> with the top one) Ha, ha, ha. <b> </b> (Jerry extends his arms, making a vain attempt at a reach for a towel as <b> </b> Newman walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of Elaine's building. Elaine and Jerry walk down the steps and <b> </b> on to the sidewalk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's been a terrible situation down there the past couple of <b> </b> days. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's <b> </b><b> </b> always a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And then when I come out of the pool, my towel's always gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh, so frustrating! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell me about it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh, so you want to join me and Susan for lunch at the coffee <b> </b> shop? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're meeting Susan for lunch at the coffee shop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm meeting George for lunch at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, huh. Well, this should be very interesting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine walks off, while Jerry stands there contemplating the upcoming <b> </b> ramifications) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry enter Monk's coffee shop as Susan sits across the booth <b> </b> from Kramer. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey! Elaine! Jerry. Over here! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There they are. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, look who I ran into. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. (sits down next to Susan) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ahh. <b> </b> (Jerry stands a few paces from the booth, looking around for George, and <b> </b> feeling uncomfortable about the upcoming events) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on Jerry. Aren't you going to join us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, you know. I'm supposed to meet, eh, someone -- I'll, I'll <b> </b> wait for them outside. (walks towards the door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down. What's the matter with <b> </b> you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is gonna to be ugly. (quietly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry sits down next to Kramer) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What's that Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (coughing) I said, boy am I ugly. <b> </b> (George enters the coffee shop) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, hey, hey, Georgie boy, over here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George walks in and stops, looking at the four of them sitting in the <b> </b> booth. He nods his head and extends his arm in acknowledgment, nods his <b> </b> head again, he lightly claps his hands and walks up to the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One, two ... three, four. <b> </b> (extending his arm and counting to Elaine, Susan, Kramer and Jerry, who <b> </b> he puts his hand under Jerry's chin and then makes a fist and presses it <b> </b> to Jerry's cheek) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha Ho! (he turns and walks out the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey George! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll pull up another chair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of Reggie's diner, then inside where George sits alone in a <b> </b> booth. He eats in silence. A man sits at the counter, sipping coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior shot of the Physique health club, then inside to the pool. <b> </b> Jerry is swimming while Ramon is cleaning the pool with a large squeegee <b> </b> on a long pole. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I see you there Ramon. <b> </b> (Ramon jabs a little bit at Jerry with the squeegee) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, l‘ll just keep swimming. Hey, hey. I'm not done. I know <b> </b> what you're up to Ramon. Because I'm a member here, this is my place to <b> </b> swim. <b> </b> (Ramon pushes the squeegee out into Jerry's swim path -- Jerry grabs the <b> </b> squeegee pole and they struggle in a push-pull match) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you better cut it out Ramon. Just stop it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Ramon loses his balance and Jerry pulls him into the pool) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAMON </b> Oh. <b> </b> (Newman runs towards the pool in one of those old time bathing suits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Olly, olly, oxen, free! <b> </b> (It looks like Newman tries to do a cannonball into the pool, filmed in <b> </b> slow motion. Ramon looks up with a stunned look on his face, seeing <b> </b> Newman as he jumps into the pool on top of him.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> (NO!) </b> <b> </b> Camera fade to Ramon, lying unconscious on the tile pool deck. Newman <b> </b> and Jerry are kneeling over him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think he's gonna need, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Mouth-to-mouth? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well? Go ahead. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You knocked him out. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah, but you pulled him in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on Newman. Do it. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He might die. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah. Maybe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where Susan <b> </b> and Elaine are sitting and talking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (on the phone to) Look Jerry, we'll meet you at the theater. <b> </b><b> </b> 00, we can't wait any longer. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Elaine, where could he be? It's not like George to just <b> </b> disappear. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, let's just leave him a note, okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on, come on, come on. (picks up pad of paper and <b> </b> writes) “George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.” <b> </b><b> </b> Love? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> “Love ... Susan.” <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Camera fade to Elaine, Susan and Jerry outside the Paragon movie <b> </b><b> </b> theater. It's night as they wait in line to buy tickets. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So eventually these people came and, somebody, gave him <b> </b> mouth-to-mouth. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He could have died <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it was a gamble. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Why didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah. (makes face) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How can you possibly show your face there again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I can't. They revoked my membership. Newman too. You know, <b> </b> we can't go anywhere near there. <b> </b> (they move up to the ticket window) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, ah, three for Chunnel -- two adults ... one child. (looking <b> </b> towards Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where George <b> </b> finds the note. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the hell is this? “George, Elaine and I went to see <b> </b> Chunnel ... with Jerry.” With Jerry, huh? With Jerry! Great. Great! <b> </b> (dials phone) Probably went to the 84th St. That's where I always go <b> </b> with Jerry. <b> </b> (Rings) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If you know the name of the <b> </b> movie you'd like to see, press one. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on. Come on. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three <b> </b> letters of the movie title, now. <b> </b> (George presses 3 keys) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's correct, press one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl? If this is correct, <b> </b> press one. <b> </b> (George looks baffled) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've <b> </b> selected. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Chunnel? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> To find the theater nearest you, please enter your five digit <b> </b> zip-code, now. <b> </b> (George enters his zip-code) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you just tell me where you want to see the movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lowes Paragon, 84th and Broadway. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (picks up paper) Chunnel, is playing at the Paragon 84th Street <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, now I gotcha! (hangs up the phone and rushes out the <b> </b> door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's also playing in theater number two at 9:00. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Night exterior of United Artists Theater with a busy street in the <b> </b> foreground -- taxi's drive by. Then inside to a darkened theater, <b> </b><b> </b> George, in the isle, searches for Jerry, Elaine and Susan. He's trying <b> </b> to be quiet and still get their attention. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry ... Where are you? I know you like to sit back here. <b> </b> Elaine! Susan! <b> </b><b> MOVIE PATRON </b><b> SHH! </b> <b> </b><b> </b> “The English Channel Tunnel, Chunnel, runs 32.3 miles, with two openings. One here, in England and <b> </b> another one here, in France. That's all we got. Thank you for your <b> </b> time gentlemen. Can I ask you a question Mr. McKittrick.” <b> </b> -- it's a bit hard to hear the movie dialogue, as we are supposed to be <b> </b> focused on George, but I was able to make out most of it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Susan, Elaine and Jerry watching Chunnel in the theater next <b> </b> door. Jerry is eating popcorn while Elaine sips a drink and eats a bit <b> </b> of popcorn <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't figure out what's going on here. I can't follow the <b> </b> plot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> No, no. That's not the guy. That's a different guy. <b> </b><b> </b> (Susan looks irritated at Jerry and Elaine's talking) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is he doing in the Chunnel? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Would you two, Please? <b> </b> (movie voice - clearly it's Larry David's voice) ( Everybody out of the <b> </b> Chunnel! Everybody out! ) <b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry stop eating, sink back into their seats and look at <b> </b> each other, with silent expressions that say “what is her problem.”) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> “Let me tell you something about the Chunnel, Mr. Thane. That our only freeway is <b> </b> adept. (inaudible) Elaine Brookstone will get the money bag <b> </b><b> </b> (inaudible) Not as long as I have these long stickers. Find him and <b> </b> Kill him! I don't care if we have to turn this Chunnel upside down! <b> </b> Find Him! Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! The Chunnel's <b> </b><b> </b> gonna blow! AHHHHHH (Explosion)” <b> </b><b> THIS TIME IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE </b><b> ARE SOME </b><b> </b> inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> back to George in the other theater. He stands at the front of the <b> </b> theater, the movie screen behind and above him. He is still trying to <b> </b> find Jerry, Elaine and Susan. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Susan! Jerry! Where are you? I know you're there! Answer me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOVIE PATRON </b> (Hey, sit down!) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. Hey. Answer me! Come on, show yourselves! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOVIE PATRON </b> (Hey, we're trying to watch a movie here!) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Drink your soda! Come on! I know you're there, laughing at <b> </b> me. Laughing and lying and laughing! I had to go to Reggies, Jerry! <b> </b> Reggies! <b> </b><b> MOVIE PATRON </b> (Move it off of there!) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are you! <b> </b><b> 2ND MOVIE PATRON </b> (Hey are you sure you got the right theater?) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chunnel. Susan! <b> </b><b> 2ND MOVIE PATRON </b> (It's playing in two theaters.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Two theaters? <b> </b><b> 2ND MOVIE PATRON </b> (Yeah, there's a 9:00 too.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. Sorry. <b> </b> (A large bucket of popcorn is thrown at George. He tries to deflect it, <b> </b> but the popcorn flies all over) <b> </b><b> </b> “There's something else, your ex-wife. Alexandra? She's in France, I'm telling ya. No, <b> </b> she's in the Chunnel. The Chunnel? No! Mr. President, I'm sorry to <b> </b> disturb you. What is it? There's something about the Chunnel. Oh?” <b> </b> (inaudible) And that means your daughter is in the Chunnel. Somewhere <b> </b><b> </b> between France and ... (inaudible)” <b> </b><b> AGAIN, IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE ARE </b><b> SOME </b><b> </b> inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine, Susan and Jerry exit the theater. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought that was pretty good, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wha'd you think Susan? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, I don't know. I couldn't hear anything. You, you talked the <b> </b> whole movie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well come on. You want to go grab a bite to eat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ah, no. I don't think so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well you know, all you guys ever do is sit around the coffee shop <b> </b> talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't know <b> </b> how you can stand it. I'll see you. <b> </b> (Susan turns to walk away, but stops and looks at George being escorted <b> </b> out of the theater by two ushers. He struggles to try and stay inside <b> </b> the theater, but they forcefully remove him. Jerry, Elaine and Susan <b> </b> watch as George it escorted out -- he does not see the three of them <b> </b> standing there.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know they're in there, the three of them, laughing at me. <b> </b> Together, laughing and lying. <b> </b><b> USHER </b> Let's go pal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're -- They're killing independent George! And they're, <b> </b> they're all in on it! World's are colliding! <b> </b> (Camera freeze on George with the two ushers -- and into commercial) his hand knocks 3 times on the door. <b> </b><b> MOVIE PHONE GUY </b> Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer, sitting on the couch, reading the paper and eating cereal is obviously startled by the voice at his door) <b> </b><b> MOVIE PHONE GUY </b> (con't) I know your in there, Cosmo Kramer, Apartment 5B. <b> </b> You're in big trouble, Now. You've been sealing my business. If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door, Now. Or, please select the number of seconds, you'd like to wait, before I break this door down. Please select Now. <b> </b> (as the Movie Phone Guy talks, Kramer slides off the couch and ducks down under the coffee table, then pops back up with a dazed look.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pool Guy Script

1995-12-07

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SPONGE </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no prescription in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent, now why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this person supposedly blew out their eyeballs, and that's why they need the glasses? It's just a corrective device. If you see someone with a hearing aid, you don't think, 'Oh, they must have been listening real good...yeah, to a lot of important stuff...' No, they are deaf. They can't hear. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine in a booth at Monk's. Kramer comes over from the counter with a clipboard in his hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, boys and girls. I need you both to sponsor me in the AIDS walk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is that tomorrow? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, so...git-git...(gestures to Elaine to sign the form.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I admire you for joining the fight against AIDS. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, if I didn't do something I wouldn't be able to live with myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's hard enough living next door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I tell ya, there's some people, they just wear a ribbon and they think they're doin' something? Not me. I talk the talk, and I walk the walk, baby. (gets up) I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry stands up and gets a bottle of ketchup from the next table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> New jeans? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Still a 31 waist? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yep. Since college. (Looks at Kramer's AIDS walk list.) Hey, Lena Small's on this list. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lena Small? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for a date, she was unlisted...and now here's her number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone number off an AIDS charity list! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, you should admire me...I'm aspiring to date a giving person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're a taking person. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's why I should date a giving person. If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving - it's bedlam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She's gonna ask how you got her number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who knew her and he gave it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's he look like? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really didn't pay much attention, I'd just come from buying a speedboat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're buying a speedboat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, we're already off the subject of how I got her number. (Elaine laughs.) All I gotta do is get past the first phone call and I'm home free. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know about that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So if Billy had gotten your number off the AIDS walk list, you wouldn't have gone out with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. So you really like this guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Very much. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's the...sexual chemistry? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Haven't been in the lab yet. But I am birth control shopping today. (Kramer overhears as he returns to the booth.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are you still on the pill? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, Kramer... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll tell ya, I think birth control should be discussed in an open forum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The sponge, o.k.? The Today sponge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But wasn't that taken off the market? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Off the market? The sponge? No, no...no way. Everybody loves the sponge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I read it in Wall Street Week...Louis, uh, Rukeyser. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine laughs.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry on the phone in his apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. How did I get your number? I met a guy that knows you, he gave it to me...I don't remember his name. Think it began with a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying that much attention, I'd just come from shopping for a speedboat... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Susan in George's car. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You know, I really like those new jeans Jerry was wearing. He's really thin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not as thin as you think. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Why? He's a 31. I saw the tag on the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The tag, huh? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Mmm-hmm. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me tell you something about that tag. It's no 31, and uh...let's just leave it at that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He scratches off a 32 and he puts in <b> 31. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, how could he be so vain? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that only I know. I can't believe I just told you that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, it's alright, I'm your fiance. Everyone assumes you'll tell me everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where did you get that from? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, we're a couple. It's understood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I never heard of that. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, you've never been a couple. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've coupled! I've coupled! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Keeping secrets! This is just like your secret bank code. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is totally different! That was my secret, this is Jerry's secret! There's...there's attorney-client priveleges here! If I play it by your rule, no one'll ever confide in me again, I'll be cut out of the loop! <b> </b><b> </b> George arrives at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What's the matter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had a fight with Susan. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh...(is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders) ...clothing, something, I dunno. So, uh, what are you doing today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got a date with that girl, Lena. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lena, how'd you meet her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I actually met her a few weeks ago, but... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes George telling Susan about how Jerry got Lena's number from the AIDS list...then Susan passing the information along to Monica on the phone at work.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You met her a few weeks ago, but...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't call her till today. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, uh...wanna double? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I just had a fight - I need a group dynamic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. (Elaine enters.) Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Kramer was right. My friend Kim told me the sponge is off the market. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna do a hard-target search. Of every drug store, general store, health store and grocery store in a 25-block radius. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just for these sponges? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey man, women are really loyal to their birth control methods. What does Susan use? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I dunno. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, uh...figure it's something. (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you all out of breath from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The elevator just broke. I had to walk up five flights. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you got the AIDS walk tomorrow. You're never gonna make it, you're in horrible shape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got a 31 waist, mister! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well I'm walking for charity, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What am I doing? I'm...dating a woman who happens to be sponsoring one of these walkers. <b> </b><b> </b> a musical montage of Elaine's "hard-target search" - visiting stores and pharmacies all over town and not finding a sponge anywhere. She ends up at the Pasteur Pharmacy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHARMACIST </b> Can I help you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, do you have any Today sponges? I know they're off the market, but... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PHARMACIST </b> Actually, we have a case left. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A case! A case of sponges? I mean, uh...a case. Huh. Uh...how many come in a case? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PHARMACIST </b> Sixty. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sixty?! Uh...well, I'll take three. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PHARMACIST </b> Three. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Make it ten. <b> </b><b> PHARMACIST </b> Ten? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Twenty sponges should be plenty. <b> </b><b> PHARMACIST </b> Did you say twenty? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PHARMACIST </b> Right. So, you're set with twenty-five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Lena having dinner in a restaurant with George and Susan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I have found the best-smelling detergent. Lena, smell my shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> Mmm! Very nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's All-Tempa-Cheer. <b> </b><b> LENA </b> I use Planet. It's bio-degradable and doesn't pollute the oceans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, the oceans really are getting very sudsy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> Can you wrap up all the left-overs on the table, please? I always take the left-overs. I work in a soup kitchen every morning at 6 a.m. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They serve soup at 6 a.m.? <b> </b><b> LENA </b> Yeah. That's all they have. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do the bums ever complain? "Soup again?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd get tired of it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you not? <b> </b><b> LENA </b> Guess who volunteered last week? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mick Jagger. <b> </b><b> LENA </b> No. Maya Angelou. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, the poet! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, let me ask you something - these people eat soup three times a day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, did you get to talk to her? <b> </b><b> LENA </b> Talk to who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it a lot of cream soups? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Maya Angelou, the poet. <b> </b><b> LENA </b> No, I didn't get the chance. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, well, I'm sure you can reach her...she's a poet. What does a poet need an unlisted number for? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry gives George a surprised look. George looks back, puzzled.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I'm going to the ladies room. <b> </b><b> LENA </b> I'll go with you. (They leave.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you looking at me like that for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why'd you have to mention 'unlisted number'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I gotta tell you something, but you cannot tell Susan. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's interest is peaked.) <b> </b> George and Susan in the car on the way home. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Jerry got her phone number off of an AIDS walk list? Oh, that's awful! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, but don't say anything to anyone. He told me not to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> But you told me anyway? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said before, and...you're right, I've never really been a couple, so...if that's the rule, then I'm gonna go by the rule. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Thank you, honey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you wanna go home and...make up, officially? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Can we stop by a drug store first? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What for? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I'm out of birth control stuff. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, o.k., yeah. Where am I gonna park here...? (Pulls over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, don't park. I'll just sit in the car, you can run in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me run in? Why don't you run in? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You don't know what I use for birth control, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course I do. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You do? What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know. You use the, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> The what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, the uh...(mutters it again.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Just get me some sponges, please. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait, wait a minute...they don't have them anymore. I just found out, they just took them off the market. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Off the market? The sponge? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, so you gotta use something else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can't! I love the sponge! I need the sponge! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> O.k....(thinks) I think I know where we can get one. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry approaching his apartment door. He hears the sound of a loud group of people from inside Kramer's place. He knocks on Kramer's door. Kramer answers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, what the hell is going on in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a poker game...(yells to the crowd) And I'm kickin' some serious butt! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk tomorrow! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those two ladies I got showin'? Do they look scared?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're never gonna make it! <b> </b> (Kramer giggles and returns to the game.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Billy in Elaine's apartment, kissing passionately on the sofa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BILLY </b> You, uh...you wanna go in the bedroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> O.k. Hold on just a second. (Gets up and heads to the bathroom. George knocks at the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine? It's me, George. (Elaine opens the door.) Hey, sorry to bother you so late. (To Billy) Hey! How ya doin.' (To Elaine) Uh, did you get any of those sponges? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Cleaned out the whole west side. Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well...Susan. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, Susan uses the sponge. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Susan loves the sponge. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help you out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't do it. No way, there's no how. (Tries to push George out the door. George resists.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine...let me just explain something to you. See, this is not just a weekend routine...I'm on the verge of make-up sex here. You know about make-up sex? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, I know all about make-up sex, and I'm really sorry. (Shoves George into the hallway and closes the door. George blocks the door with his foot.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here? Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...make-up sex is all that I have left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sure you'll have another fight, George. (Stamps on George's foot and closes the door.) (To Billy) Hold that thought! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine goes into the bathroom for a sponge, but then stops and reconsiders.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Susan talking on the phone with Monica. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, listen to this. But don't tell anyone - Jerry Seinfeld? He got a woman's number off an AIDS walk list. <b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to Monica at home talking on the phone with Susan.) <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> He got her number off an AIDS walk list? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to Lena at home talking on the phone with Monica.) <b> </b><b> LENA </b> He what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> Jerry and Lena in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How'd you find out? <b> </b><b> LENA </b> A friend of a friend of a friend of Susan's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George! <b> </b><b> LENA </b> Pardon? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just - <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> It's o.k.! There's nothing to be sorry about. I don't mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS walk list? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> No, not at all. No problem. (Jerry looks at Lena suspiciously. Lena leaves with all of Kramer's poker buddies, who are filing out of Kramer's apartment.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out of here with a pair of pants on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You went all night? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk in like, three hours! You're never gonna make it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> AIDS walk! That's a cake walk. (George enters.) Hey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, George, guess what? Lena found out how I got her number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? How'd she do that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A friend of a friend of Susan's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My Susan? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why'd you tell her?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule! We have to tell each other everything! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you know what this means, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b> //tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're cut off, you're out of the loop! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry, don't cut me off! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You leave me no choice! You're the media now as far as I'm concerned! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> C'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you were in the mafia, would you tell her every time you killed someone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, a "hit" is a totally different story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, Lena was upset, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what? That was the amazing thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, it didn't bother her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, she said it was fine. There's something very strange about this girl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's too good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Too good... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others - I can't be with someone like that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I see what you mean. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's the depravity? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No depravity! I mean, I look at her, I can't imagine she even has sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> On the other hand... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks again for last night! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I didn't even use one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you said it was imminent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sponge-worthy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these sponges. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you like this guy, isn't that what the sponges are for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, yes - before they went off the market. I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate my whole screening process. I can't afford to waste any of 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, you're nuts with these sponges. George is gettin' frustrated! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer signing in at the AIDS walk. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Cosmo Kramer? <b> </b><b> ORGANIZER </b> Uh...o.k., you're checked in. Here's your AIDS ribbon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, no thanks. <b> </b><b> ORGANIZER </b> You don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> ORGANIZER </b> But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I have to? <b> </b><b> ORGANIZER </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> See, that's why I don't want to. <b> </b><b> ORGANIZER </b> But everyone wears the ribbon. You must wear the ribbon! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully. (Walks away.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ORGANIZER </b> Hey you! Come back here! Come back here and put this on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Susan in a booth at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine and her sponges...she's got like, a war chest full of them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, I don't see why you just can't use condoms. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, no...condoms are for single men. The day that we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Just once...for the make-up sex. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Make-up sex? You have to have that right after the fight, we're way past that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Come on, just once? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no...I hate the condom. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can never get the package open in time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, you just tear it open. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not that easy. It's like "Beat The Clock," there's a lot of pressure there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer in the AIDS walk. <b> </b><b> WALKER #1 </b> Hey, where's your ribbon? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I don't wear the ribbon. <b> </b><b> WALKER #2 </b> Oh, you don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I? I just don't wear the ribbon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WALKER #3 </b> Who do you think you are? <b> </b><b> WALKER #1 </b> Put the ribbon on! <b> </b><b> WALKER #2 </b> Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear a ribbon! (Cedric and Bob turn around and glare at Kramer.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon? (Kramer is frightened.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Billy in her apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, you think you're sponge-worthy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BILLY </b> Yes, I think I'm sponge-worthy. I think I'm very sponge-worthy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Run down your case for me again...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BILLY </b> Well, we've gone out several times, we obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests - immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You going to do something about your sideburns? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BILLY </b> Yeah, I told you...I'm going to trim my sideburns. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And the bathroom in your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BILLY </b> Cleaned it this morning. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BILLY </b> Everything, yeah. It's spotless. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, let's go. (They head for the bedroom.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry arrives at Lena's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> LENA </b> Hi! Hey, look at this - I just got a citation in the mail for my work with shut-ins. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know, they're a very eccentric group. Because they're shut in. Of course, they're not locked in, they're free to go at anytime. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> Oh, by the way, I checked at the soup kitchen - they do have cream soups. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena, I wanted to talk to you about something...you know, because you're such a good person <b> - </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> Oh, hang onto that thought - I'm rinsing a sweater, I left the water running. (Goes into the bathroom.) Hey, Jerry, can you get me a towel out of my bedroom closet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, o.k. (Goes to the closet for the towel and finds dozens of boxes of Today sponges.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> Oh my god! Look what's goin' on here! She is depraved! (Grabs a towel and brings it to Lena.) There you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> Thanks. So, you were saying...? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Nothing. <b> </b><b> LENA </b> No, you said I was a good person... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... <b> </b><b> LENA </b> You seem like you want to tell me something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell you something...I do. <b> </b><b> LENA </b> What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LENA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I change the 32 waist on the label to a 31 on all my jeans. So, you know. That's it. (Lena is puzzled.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Susan in bed. We see George's hands struggling to open a condom wrapper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Come on, George, just tear it open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm trying, dammit. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Tear it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tried to tear it from the side, you can't get a good grip here. You gotta do it like a bag of chips. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Here give it to me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you wait a second? Just wait? (They fight over it.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Give it to me. (She rips it open.) Come on. Come on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's too late. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer surrounded by Cedric, Bob, and the other walkers. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> So! What's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No! Never. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't want to wear! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CEDRIC </b> What are we gonna do with him? <b> </b><b> BOB </b> I guess we are just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon! <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer tries to climb up a fire escape, but the mob grabs him and pulls him back down. Kramer screams.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George waiting for Kramer at the finish line. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It completely turned her off. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I can see that. What do you have to do that for? Who cares about your pants size? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't wanna be a 32. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd kill to be a 32. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't waste a sponge on me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You never run out, do you? (Jerry smiles.) Where's Kramer? Everything's finished here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I told him he'd never make it. He was up all night! Oh my god...Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (They see Kramer staggering towards them with cuts and bruises, clothes torn, one shoe off. He collapses and crawls across the finish line.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at you. I told you. Up all night playing poker. Come on. (Jerry and George are about to leave. George turn's back and looks at Kramer.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, where's you AIDS ribbon? <b> </b> (Kramer looks at George unbelievingly.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Billy in bed the next morning. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good morning. <b> </b><b> BILLY </b> How'd you sleep? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Great. You? <b> </b><b> BILLY </b> Fine, fine. Everything o.k.? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> BILLY </b> No regrets? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nope. (Billy leans in to kiss her.) What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BILLY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...I don't think so. <b> </b><b> BILLY </b> Why not? I thought you said everything was fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of 'em. (Pats Billy on the shoulder and gets out of bed.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Sponge Script

1995-12-14

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE GUM </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (unwrapping a piece of gum) I think gum is, is one of the weirdest human inventions. (pops gum in his mouth) It's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's not a food. What is it? It isn't really anything, you know. I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw. Like, remember when you were in school, and teachers would get all riled up if they caught you with gum? And when you were a kid, you'd think 'What is the big deal?' But, as an adult, I can understand it, because when you're chewing gum, you don't look like you're too thrilled with anything anyone has to say. (as sarcastic teen) 'Oh, World War Two. That was an important historical event? Yeah, I'm sure.' 'They landed a man on the moon, nineteen sixty-nine? Yeah, right. Yeah, I buy that, teach.' <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and George sitting in a booth, much as usual) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think she's happy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (indicates with his head) The cashier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ruthie Cohen? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (surprised) You know her name? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think I've ever spoken to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe that's why she's happy. <b> </b> (Kramer enters. He has a handful of flyers) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (handing Jerry &amp; George a flyer) Good morning, gentlemen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's the latest offering from the Alex <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That stinky old movie-house? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (sits beside Jerry) Well, you should smell it now. We fixed up the place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (gesturing with flyer) With Spartacus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare archival print. (jumps as his burns his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Geoffrey Har-harwood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Geoffrey who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Har-harwood, Jerry. He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating insights into the production. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill? (looks around Monk's) Listen, you guys haven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you? I'm supposed to meet him here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lloyd Braun? What d'you have to meet him for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he's using his connections in the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre landmark status. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought he screwed up the Dinkins campaign. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he did. You know, after that, he had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend a few months in an institution. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now. I've taken him under my wing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, then I'm not worried. <b> </b> Lloyd Braun enters in the background. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But he still needs all of our support. Now, when he gets here treat him like he's one of the gang, huh. <b> </b><b> </b> Lloyd wanders toward the guys at the table. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (thoughtful) Breakdown, huh? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hey Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey Lloyd, hey buddy. (gets up and shakes Lloyd's hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> How you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (slaps Lloyd on the shoulder) Sit down. (sits himself) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hi Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lloyd. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> George. <b> </b> Lloyd sits beside George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, Lloyd. How you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah well, he's doing fine, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> (offering packet) Gum? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (peering) That's an interesting package. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Yeah, it's from China. Go ahead, try a piece. Tell me that's not the most delicious gum you've ever tasted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, yes. We shall all try a piece and tell you how delicious it is. (he takes pieces for himself and Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't chew gum. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you get it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Friend of mine in Chinatown gave it to me. If you want I can ask him where he got it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, don't bother. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> No, it's no problem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> George sits at the table examining the contents of his wallet. Jerry is still chewing and by his face, he's not enjoying it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what? I think this Ruthie Cohen gave me the wrong change. <b> </b><b> </b> Didn't I pay with a twenty? I'm sure I paid with a twenty. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-mein-y (he spits it into the waste bin) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What kind is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lloyd Braun? How's he doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (almost gleeful) After Dinkins lost the election, he had a complete nervous breakdown. They had to lock him up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, that's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I remember when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? Well, I got news for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And in the end Lloyd Braun became more like you. <b> </b><b> </b> George snaps his fingers and points to Jerry, signaling his agreement. Then he picks up his jacket and heads for the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right, gotta get going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aren't you coming with us to Spartacus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, I gotta deliver some Christmas presents to my parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought your parents were outta town? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why d'you think I'm going now? <b> </b><b> </b> Queens) <b> </b> George has parked his car on the street, and gets out. An elderly guy is on the <b> </b><b> </b> porch of his house and recognises George. <b> </b><b> POP </b> Georgie! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Mr Lazzari. <b> </b><b> POP </b> Back in the old neighborhood, ah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents to my folks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> Oh, snazzy car. Le Baron? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, eighty-three. Used to belong to John Voight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> The actor, right? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Something like that. <b> </b><b> POP </b> Mind if I look under the hood? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no no no no. Go ahead, Pop, you always knew your cars. <b> </b><b> </b> A young woman has exited from the old guy's house, and approaches. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> Oh, Deena! Deena, Deena, l... look who's here. <b> </b><b> </b> Pop lifts the hood of the car, and leans into the engine compartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> George Costanza, is that you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Deena, come on, give us a hug. (they hug) Oh my gosh, you look as <b> </b><b> </b> pretty as you did back in high school. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Boy, those were some crazy times. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy, did you hear about Lloyd Braun? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Lobby) <b> </b> Kramer is leading Jerry and Elaine on a tour of the Alex. There are a few <b> </b><b> </b> customers scattered about and a bored attendant behind the counter. Elaine has a <b> </b><b> </b> big bucket of popcorn. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The Alex was built in nineteen twenty-two, during the golden era of <b> </b><b> </b> movie palaces. Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven, fifty-two, <b> </b><b> </b> fifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period of time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, you're really getting into this aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, yes I am. The icing on the cake would be getting that landmark <b> </b><b> </b> status from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few strings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, can Lloyd really do that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts his mind to. He's fine, Jerry. (to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine) And you should say hello to him, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (concerned) What? Lloyd is here? <b> </b> Kramer indicates Lloyd approaching. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? No, no, I'd rather... <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (big fake smile) Lloyd, yes. Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Kramer tell you? We reserved some special seats, so we can all sit <b> </b><b> </b> together. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit <b> </b><b> </b> in the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because, because he, <b> </b><b> </b> he forgot his glasses. So uh, thanks for getting us... uhm, we'll see you <b> </b><b> </b> afterwards. <b> </b> Elaine grabs Jerry by the arm and leads him toward the auditorium. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> That was odd. Am I crazy, or does Jerry not wear glasses? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (emphatic) You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses. He just forgot <b> </b><b> </b> 'em, that's all. (puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder) Not crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Auditorium) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine sit in the front row of seats. Elaine is eating popcorn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're all the way in the front row. Why couldn't we sit in the special <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> seats? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking I was leading him on again. <b> </b><b> </b> Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable. <b> </b> The lights go down, and music is heard as the show begins. Jerry and Elaine lean <b> </b><b> </b> back in their seats to be able to see the screen <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Queens) <b> </b> Deena and George are still talking. Pop is under the hood of George's car. Bangs <b> </b><b> </b> and clanks can be heard as he fiddles with the mechanics. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Poor Lloyd. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. Completely bonkers! <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Sorry I can't be so flip about this kind of thing. You know, after what <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> happened to Pop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pop? What happened to Pop? <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> I thought you heard. He had a nervous breakdown last year. That's why I'm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> taking care of him. <b> </b> Pop comes out momentarily. <b> </b><b> POP </b> Oh, I tell you, they don't build 'em like this any more. <b> </b><b> </b> He goes back under the hood. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (a little worried) He uh, he doesn't have the auto shop any more? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Uhn, it was too much for him. <b> </b> Pop is thumping away at part of the engine with a spanner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (very worried) Uhm, I, I gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just remembered, I gotta be someplace. Yuh-hu-hur, that's enough. Pop. <b> </b><b> </b> Pop, put down the wrench, Pop. <b> </b><b> </b> Auditorium) <b> </b> Kramer and Lloyd sits side by side in the special seats, watching Spartacus. <b> </b><b> </b> They're smiling happily. <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine lean uncomfortably back in their front-row seats. They're both <b> </b><b> </b> eating popcorn. Elaine drops a piece onto her blouse, where it rests next to a <b> </b><b> </b> fancy button. She retrieves the corn, and dislodges the button without noticing. <b> </b><b> </b> The button falls to the floor where it rests among other detritus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b> George is driving along the road in his Le Baron. Over the usual engine noise <b> </b><b> </b> can be heard a metallic rasping, grinding noise. George listens for a few <b> </b><b> </b> moments, wondering where it's coming from. Then he looks concerned, then angry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pop! POP!! <b> </b><b> </b> Lobby) <b> </b> Kramer and Jerry stand in the lobby. Kramer smoking his pipe, Jerry massaging <b> </b><b> </b> his neck. Lloyd wanders over to join them. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> 's a great movie, huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Sorry you forgot those glasses. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what I was thinking. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> How'd you like that gum? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (noncommittal) Errh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (slapping Jerry on the back) Ah, he loved it. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters. In the absence of the button she lost in the auditorium, her <b> </b><b> </b> blouse is open to below her breasts, and everything's in the shop window. Not <b> </b><b> </b> that she knows it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Kramer, you know what? There, there isn't a light there, in the <b> </b><b> </b> ladies' room. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. It's being repaired. <b> </b> Elaine is suffering with her neck. She rolls her head back and feels the back of <b> </b><b> </b> her neck with her hand. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Oh God. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> You alright? <b> </b> Elaine stretches her back and neck, at the same time pushing her upperworks into <b> </b><b> </b> greater prominence. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, I sat too close to the screen. Oh. I just gotta stretch out in a hot <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> bath. It was nice to see you again, Lloyd. <b> </b> Elaine leaves. Kramer and Lloyd both stare after her. <b> </b> (Street Outside Alex) <b> </b> Elaine walks down the sidewalk, her blouse still open. A florist is using a hose <b> </b><b> </b> to wash down the sidewalk in front of his store. Elaine carefully steps by, <b> </b><b> </b> picking her way past. The florist also stares at Elaine's exposure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> A cop stands a little further down the street. Elaine approaches him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Officer. Officer, is there some reason this man has to always be using a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> hose? I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water. Couldn't he <b> </b><b> </b> just use a broom? <b> </b> The cop stares at Elaine's breasts the whole time she's talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> Lady, you sold me. (strides toward florist) Hey, you with the hose. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine looks confused about his attitude. She glances down, and notices her <b> </b><b> </b> blouse wide open. She quickly pulls her coat closed, to hide her embarrassment, <b> </b><b> </b> and hurries away. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is handing Jerry a pair of spectacles. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, put these glasses on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (taking them) Well, what's this for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here any minute now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he thinks you wear those. <b> </b> Jerry looks at the glasses with some distaste. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're from the lost and found at the Alex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Okay. So he'll just think that the two of you didn't sit with him on <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> purpose. Ooh yeah, that's very nice. Very nice. <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George leans on the counter by the cash register, behind which sits Ruthie <b> </b><b> </b> Cohen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'scuse me. I uh, I was in here this morning and uh, I believe I paid you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change for a ten. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I think so, and I can prove it. You see, I was doodling on the bill <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it... well, (smiles) <b> </b><b> </b> that's mine. Would you mind opening up the register? <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> Not unless you buy something. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum. <b> </b> Lloyd approaches the register to pay for something. The cashier rings up <b> </b><b> </b> George's purchase. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hey George. Thought you didn't chew gum? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't. <b> </b> Ruthie opens the drawer on the register. <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> Take a look. <b> </b> George goes round to the other side of the register and picks up all the <b> </b><b> </b> twenty-dollar bills. He shuffles through them, examining them for doodles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know I gave it to you. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> George, would you mind. I'm kind of in a hurry. <b> </b><b> </b> In addition to Lloyd, another customer is waiting to pay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (frustrated) Fine. Fine. (to customer) Excuse me. (heading for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about this. I don't <b> </b><b> </b> forget that easily! <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is reading a newspaper, and holding it in such a way as to conceal his <b> </b><b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry, look who's here. <b> </b> Jerry folds over the top half of the paper, in order to see his visitor. He also <b> </b><b> </b> reveals to all that he is wearing the spectacles Kramer gave him earlier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, Lloyd. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hi Jerry. Got some more of that gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He proffers the packet to Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes a piece) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, boy. <b> </b> Kramer and Lloyd sit on the couch. All of them start chewing on the gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies, sitting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> around, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd, he thinks he <b> </b><b> </b> can get more of this. <b> </b> Jerry makes a show of removing his glasses and cleaning them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow. I'm sure he can accomplish <b> </b><b> </b> anything he sets his mind to. <b> </b> Jerry puts his glasses back on. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Actually, the importer's right in Chinatown. I'll introduce you to him, <b> </b><b> </b> you can get it whenever you want. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 's not necessary. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to do you a favour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know that, Kramer. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Well, if you don't want to... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, sure sure, he wants to. It's very kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he <b> </b><b> </b> appreciates it. Don't you, Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I do, Kramer. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> So... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> How about that Elaine today, huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, baby, what was that all about, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> (to Jerry) She was practically undressing in front of me at the theatre. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't see anything. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you uh, really missed a show, buddy. Wooh, ba-boom, <b> </b><b> </b> ba-boom-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba. <b> </b> They continue to chew on the gum. Lloyd seemingly happily, Jerry clearly not <b> </b><b> </b> liking it, and Kramer not liking it, but unwilling to show it to Lloyd. <b> </b><b> </b> (Park) <b> </b> George and Deena sit on a bench. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you again. <b> </b><b> </b> George clearly thinks he's clicked. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know. (grins, snorts) It's understandable. <b> </b><b> </b> He pats Deena on the knee. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> I'm glad you feel that way. Because since my father's breakdown I uh, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> become very sensitive to the warning signs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Warning signs? <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Nervousness, irritability, paranoia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (disbelief) What? (laugh) Wh... what're you talking about? I'm not the <b> </b><b> </b> one with the problem. (defensive) Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Yet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All my friends do that. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> George, I'm only trying to help... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is staring past Deena at something a short distance away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> I'm... I'm concerned. George? George, are you listening to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see that woman on the horse? (points) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ruthie Cohen is passing by on horseback. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She stole twenty dollars from me. (getting angry) Yeah, I might've <b> </b><b> </b> gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered! <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> So again it all comes back to Lloyd. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you! (setting off after her) Come back <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> here!! Don't gallop away!! <b> </b> George runs away, yelling after the retreating Ruthie Cohen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry and George sit in a booth. There's a different cashier on duty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you say she was on a horse? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around. See if <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around with big <b> </b><b> </b> lips. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if it isn't Chesty La Rue. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sits beside Jerry) What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun, and he was bragging about the <b> </b><b> </b> peepshow you gave him at the Alex. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a button, so my blouse was wide open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I musta left it at the theatre. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe it's in the lost and found. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I know. I have to go check it out. It's a beautiful button too, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the way you were wolfing down that popcorn, maybe you ate it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Lobby) <b> </b> Kramer greets a small elderly gent. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mr Har-harwood. Well, what an unexpected surprise to have you back at <b> </b><b> </b> the Alex Theatre. <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Well I, I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've misplaced my spectacles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, let's look in lost and found, shall we? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer ducks behind the counter to retrieve the lost and found box. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> They're half-glasses. <b> </b> Kramer pops his head up, a thought having occurred. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Brown? <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Mmm, yes, yes. <b> </b> Kramer places the cardboard box marked 'Lost and Found' on the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah. Ah, well if they're not in the box, I'm sure they'll turn up <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> soon. Listen, could you keep an eye on the place? I wanna go out and get some <b> </b><b> </b> paraffin wax, and bring out the lustre of this vintage countertop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Certainly. <b> </b> Kramer leaves. Haarwood begins to rummage through the contents of the box. After <b> </b><b> </b> a few seconds, he finds something. He lifts it out for a closer look. It's the <b> </b><b> </b> button Elaine dropped earlier. <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Oh my goodness. What a spanking button. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Street Outside Alex) <b> </b> George starts his car. It's still making unhealthy noises. <b> </b> As he sits with the engine running, a car pulls up in the street behind him. The <b> </b><b> </b> driver sounds the horn at George as he sits in his parking spot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (glances in mirror) Alright. Alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The horn sounds again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (getting annoyed) Hang on, it's warming up! <b> </b><b> </b> The horn sounds several more times, impatiently. George has had enough. He <b> </b><b> </b> climbs out of his car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angrily) Oh you mother... <b> </b> George stalks round his car and up to the driver's window of the car sounding <b> </b><b> </b> its horn. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! What is your problem? <b> </b> The driver rolls down the window, and we see Ruthie Cohen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, hello, it's you! (angry) Listen lady, I got six minutes left on that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty dollars. (smug) <b> </b><b> </b> Huh-hu-hur, you're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you Ruthie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> Your car's on fire. <b> </b> The reflection of leaping flames can be seen in Ruthie's window. George dashes <b> </b><b> </b> off back to his car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aah! Fire! <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> (after George) Merry Christmas! <b> </b> Flames are coming from under the hood of the Le Baron. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) Fire!! <b> </b> The florist is standing holding a broom. George rushes to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your hose! Where's your hose?! <b> </b><b> FLORIST </b> Cop made me disconnect it. <b> </b> George grabs the broom from the florist, and begins beating at the flames with <b> </b><b> </b> no effect. After a few seconds, the broom is alight. <b> </b> (Street Outside Alex) <b> </b> The whole front of George's car is burnt out. The plastic body parts have melted <b> </b><b> </b> away. The hood is wide open, showing the devastation within. George stands, <b> </b><b> </b> holding the charred remnants of the broom. He's staring catatonically at the <b> </b><b> </b> damage. Kramer walks up and does a double-take at the sight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jeez! What happened to your car, buddy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Jon Voight car is no more. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can use my car any time you want to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No kidding? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No kidding. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, merry Christmas. <b> </b> Kramer walks on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (staring at the wreck) Whatever. <b> </b><b> </b> Lobby) <b> </b> Jerry is waiting. He's wearing the glasses from earlier. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'm here. Where's Braun? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, he's not here yet? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I'll go downtown to Chinatown with him, but that is it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, I'm gonna need those glasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer reaches across and plucks the glasses from Jerry's face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're Geoffrey Haarwood's. <b> </b> Kramer rummages in lost and found, and brings out another pair of spectacles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (proffering) Here, try this pair. <b> </b> Jerry puts them on. The lenses are much stronger than the first pair - they're <b> </b><b> </b> like bottle-bottoms. He stares through them, his eyes magnified hugely. It's <b> </b><b> </b> obvious he can't see at all clearly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, these are really strong glasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He takes a step and almost trips over the counter. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hey gum-buddy. Nice frames. You ready to go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (clapping Jerry on the back) Oh yeah, he's all ready to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Anybody see Elaine today? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, she called a little earlier. She's coming over to check out <b> </b><b> </b> lost and found. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Maybe I'll stick around and see what she's wearing today. Or not wearing, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> if you know what I mean. <b> </b> They chuckle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely. Let's just stick around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Ah, tell you what, they're expecting us though. Lemme just grab a hotdog <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah. <b> </b> Lloyd goes to the counter, and speaks to the attendant. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> I'd like a hotdog, please. <b> </b> The attendant looks to the machine, which contains one hotdog. The appearance of <b> </b><b> </b> the article is not pleasant. It's wrinkled, shriveled, and generally <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> disgusting. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Are you outta your mind? <b> </b> Hearing this, Kramer dashes over. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wh...wh...wh... what's the problem here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> This hotdog's been here since the silent era. You'd have to be insane <b> </b><b> </b> to eat it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no, no, no. This man is not insane. Now there's nothing wrong <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with it or you. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Kramer, maybe... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no, no. I'll show you. (slams a bill down on the counter) One <b> </b><b> </b> hotdog please. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> (on your head be it) Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mmm, doesn't that smell good, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The attendant hands over the hotdog. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, here we go, yeah. (he takes a big bite) Mmm, oh. That's delicious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. (he takes another bite) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> As he chews, it begins to be apparent that all is not as it should be with the <b> </b><b> </b> hotdog. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uhm, interesting texture. It's chewy. (he half-coughs, half-retches) I <b> </b><b> </b> gotta get, some air. <b> </b> Kramer stumbles toward the exit, bits of half-chewed hotdog falling from his <b> </b><b> </b> mouth. <b> </b> (Street Outside Alex) <b> </b> Kramer walks stiffly along the sidewalk. He's breathing heavily, and loosening <b> </b><b> </b> his collar. He walks by the florist, who is brushing the sidewalk again. As <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer passes George's car, his struggle with the rancid hotdog ends with the <b> </b><b> </b> hotdog triumphant, and he leans into the gutter behind the Le Baron and vomits <b> </b><b> </b> copiously. The florist looks rueful, leans his broom against his door, and <b> </b><b> </b> fetches his hose, whilst Kramer continues his refunding. <b> </b><b> </b> Later) <b> </b> The florist is hosing away the traces of Kramer's visit. Elaine walks up to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me. 'scuse me, weren't you told to stop using that hose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FLORIST </b> How would you happen to know that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, uhm... I... <b> </b><b> FLORIST </b> (accusing) You're that lady that was talking to the cops, aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh... I... <b> </b> A voice calls from across the street. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Hey, Joe! <b> </b> The florist turns to see who's shouting. As he does, he raises the nozzle of his <b> </b><b> </b> hose, so instead of hosing the sidewalk, he sprays Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, wait! You're soaking me, you're soaking me! <b> </b><b> </b> The florist notices what he's done and turns off the hose. <b> </b><b> </b> Lobby) <b> </b> Jerry sits beside Kramer, who still looks unwell. Lloyd stands comforting <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer. Elaine enters. She has removed her jacket, and is wearing a wringing wet <b> </b><b> </b> t-shirt. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Hey everybody. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Whoah, Elaine! Once again, you've managed to top yourself. C'mon Jerry, <b> </b><b> </b> let's go. Car's out front. <b> </b> Lloyd leaves. Jerry stands and peers about himself through the over-strength <b> </b><b> </b> glasses. All he can make out are vague blurred shapes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lloyd? <b> </b> He moves across the lobby, slowly, holding his hands out to feel for obstacles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lloyd? <b> </b> Jerry leaves. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (exasperated) What is Lloyd's problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you, but this <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh, I got sprayed with a hose. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre, not one of your <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> swing joints. <b> </b> Elaine casts her eyes heavenward. <b> </b> (Street Outside Alex) <b> </b> The remains of George's car are being towed away. On the opposite side of the <b> </b><b> </b> road, watching, are Deena and George. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> So, you want my father to pay for this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You saw him. He was fiddling with the engine. God knows what he did <b> </b><b> </b> there. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> What cashier? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> To park her horse? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, she wasn't on the horse. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> So, your car caught fire because of my father and the woman on the horse? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. <b> </b> Across the street, the florist is outside his store, arranging flowers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (points) And him! <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> The man with the flowers? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen, I know this all sounds a little <b> </b><b> </b> crazy, but... <b> </b> A car pulls up beside George and Deena. George looks in the window. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can explain all of this. (calls to <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry) Jerry. <b> </b> Jerry hears his name called and turns his head, but all he can see are blurry <b> </b><b> </b> colored shapes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me! <b> </b> The car pulls away, leaving George calling after it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, where y'going? It's... what're... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> (doubtful) That was your best friend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> That man was wearing glasses. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. Don't you see. (emphatic) He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lloyd Braun's Car) <b> </b> Jerry and Lloyd have reached Chinatown. Lloyd parks the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> I'll run in and get the gum. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Got any money? <b> </b> Jerry digs his wallet out of his pocket. He opens it and extracts a bill. He <b> </b><b> </b> peers at it, trying to work out what denomination it is, but the glasses are <b> </b><b> </b> still too strong. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (handing it over) Here. <b> </b> Lloyd takes the bill, looks at it, smiles a little with surprise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> (climbing out of the car) I'll be back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> George and Deena walk along together. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not. This is just a <b> </b><b> </b> series of bad coincidences. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> I don't know, George. I don't know what to believe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Believe me, I am not crazy. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Well, I guess it's possible. <b> </b> (Lloyd Braun's Car) <b> </b> Jerry sits waiting. Lloyd gets in. He has a stack of six boxes, which he hands <b> </b><b> </b> to Jerry. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Here y'go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indistinct) Got all this? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Yeah. A hundred dollar's worth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> You sure did. Am I crazy, or is that a lotta gum? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a lotta gum! <b> </b> (The Institute) <b> </b> The room is festooned with props and costumes from old movies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mr Hararwood. Found your glasses. <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Oh, splendid. Welcome to the Institute for the Preservation of Motion <b> </b><b> </b> Picture Costumes and Wardrobe. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, the I.P.M.P.C.W. <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Well eh, we prefer to call it the Institute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer notices a particular costume. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is that from Henry the Eighth? <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Yes, yes, it is. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, we're screening that tonight at the Alex. Do you think <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that I could wear that to promote the theatre? <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Well, I... I'd love to lend it to you, but I doubt if it would fit a <b> </b><b> </b> man of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique. The only person who could <b> </b><b> </b> really fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky, man of somewhat <b> </b><b> </b> generous proportions. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (an idea occurs) You don't say. <b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Kramer and George walk together. George is wearing the Henry VIII costume - <b> </b><b> </b> doublet and hose, cloak, crown, etc. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're really helping me out with this, buddy. Kids are gonna be so <b> </b><b> </b> thrilled. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on that favor pretty quick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Remember, you're a king, you must project a Royal bearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry undertone) Oh, I'm gonna give you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> wait a minute. Lemme get a pack of gum here. <b> </b> He gets his wallet from under the cape, and goes to the window of a kiosk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (handing over a bill) Can I get a pack of gum, please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> I beg your pardon, your majesty, but we don't accept bills with lipstick on <b> </b><b> </b> the president. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Huh, so I had it all along. How d'you like that? (snorts) I guess <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I owe that cashier an apology. <b> </b> Deena is walking toward George and Kramer. She sees George in his costume and <b> </b><b> </b> jumps to the obvious conclusion. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> Oh my God! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. Deena, it's not what you think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Deena turns and begins to walk away. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Th... this isn't mine. <b> </b> George begins to walk after Deena, who accelerates to a trot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got it from the Institute. The Institute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Deena breaks into a run, with George chasing her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) Dee... Deena! <b> </b><b> </b> Lobby) <b> </b> Kramer stands behind the counter, upon which Elaine leans. Mr Haarwood enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh, Mr Haarwood. Well, you certainly know how to dress for a premiere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Well, thank you. Uh, where is your friend King Henry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, he ran away. <b> </b> Lloyd enters. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hey Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I need to talk to you. <b> </b> Lloyd and Kramer go away to the side of the lobby, where they go into a quiet <b> </b><b> </b> conversation. Elaine is peering over at Mr Haarwood, and in particular at the <b> </b><b> </b> button he's wearing on his cravat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, that button looks very familiar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Yes, it, it, it's antique ivory. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I, I think that's my button. (wanders over to Haarwood) You know, I've <b> </b><b> </b> been looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here? <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Yes, it was in the lost and found. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shall I undo it? <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> Oh yes, of course you can. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b> Elaine moves very close to Mr Haarwood, and reaches under his chin to remove the <b> </b><b> </b> button. <b> </b><b> HAARWOOD </b> I'm a little ticklish. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. (giggly) Tickle, tickle. <b> </b> Kramer and Lloyd are both staring over at the sight of Elaine tickling Mr <b> </b><b> </b> Haarwood under the chin, giggling, apparently flirting. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> We've really gotta get the Elaine a boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, tell me about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Gum Script

1996-01-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE RYE </b> Written by Carol Leifer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (thinking) I can't believe I'm going out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool. Maybe he'll write a song about me. That would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not so mention your personality which is so, so, interesting. If you want, you can quit your job and never work again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (club applauds) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, you have got to come see him. He is so terrific. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe he'll write a song about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Right. (laughing) Like that really matters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I take it he's spongeworthy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, he's a musician. I guess they're supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited and free. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, actually, he's - he's not that way at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. In fact, he....(moaning) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Come on. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't wanna! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, you're among friends. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sighs) Well, actually, he, um, doesn't really like to do... everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. It's surprising. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, it is. It is surprising. Does that bother you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean, it would be nice. I'm not gonna lie to you and say it wouldn't be nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. Why not? You're there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Exactly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you said he was just coming out of a very serious relationship. Maybe he's, you know, still....kind of...he...not gonna happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come downstairs, help me get my stuff outta the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What stuff? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just came from the price club. I'm loaded up, baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. What are you, outta your mind? Look at this. What did you buy here? You will never be able to finish all this stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Course I will. These are staples. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A four-pound can of black olives? That's a staple? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Lindsay olives, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> $17.50. You can't beat that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look...look at this can of tuna! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't make their cut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This isn't for a person. This is for Biosphere 3. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Clyde! <b> </b><b> CLYDE </b> Hey, Kramer! What's happening, dude? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLYDE </b> How ya doin'? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, Clyde, he plays backup with John Germaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> John Germaine? That is amazing. I was just talking about him upstairs with Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLYDE </b> Oh yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are goin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLYDE </b> Is that right? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how 'bout giving me a hand? You know, bring some of this stuff upstairs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLYDE </b> Oh, sorry Kramer, I got to watch the hands. My hands are my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Georgie, can you zip me up? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Yeah, one second. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, come on! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. All right. Let's not get into panic mode! Let's not make a big deal outta this thing or we're never gonna get through this night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, I'm meeting your in-laws, I think I should look nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My in-laws. Oh, my.... <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> So, what do you think? Your old man can look pretty good when he wants to, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I don't like that tie. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What's the matter with this tie? I've hardly worn it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> It's too thin. They're wearing wide now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How do you know what kind of ties they wear? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Go to any office building on 7th Avenue and tell me if there's <b> </b><b> </b> anyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Oh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George, do you think he should wear a tie like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think he should wear whatever tie he wants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> We gotta stop off and pick up a marble rye from Schnitzer's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> It's out of our way. Why can't we pick up something at Lord's? <b> </b><b> </b> It's right over here. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No! We have to go to Schnitzer's! I'll show these people something <b> </b><b> </b> about taste! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is gonna be fun. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you'll never guess who I bumped into. This guy Clyde. He's in <b> </b><b> </b> your friend John Germaine's band there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what did he have to say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hot and heavy? You said hot and heavy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did you do that for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What if he tells John? Then John's gonna think that I think that <b> </b><b> </b> we're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and <b> </b><b> </b> heavy if he's not hot and heavy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't <b> </b><b> </b> wanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Clyde might not tell him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do you know that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I should have helped Kramer with those packages. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! <b> </b> (Kramer, walking down hall to his apartment, his arms loaded with dozens of <b> </b><b> </b> pop cans, falls forward, spilling cans about in hallway) <b> </b><b> DENNIS </b> Let me give you a hand. Hey, Kramer. I wonder, could you do me a <b> </b><b> </b> favor? I'm taking the family to Disneyworld next week. I wonder... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> DENNIS </b> I wonder, could you pick up my mail? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Sure. Sure. <b> </b><b> DENNIS </b> In fact, you know what, how would you like to take my hansom cab for <b> </b><b> </b> the week? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Drive the horse? <b> </b><b> DENNIS </b> It'll just be sitting there. You can really clean up. 500 bucks a <b> </b><b> </b> day. I'll split it with ya. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, giddyup. Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is delicious, Mrs. Ross. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> What are you complimenting her for? She didn't make it Rowenna did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What is this thing anyway? <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> It's Cornish gamehen. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What is that, like a little chicken? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. (laughing) Little chicken. It's <b> </b><b> </b> a gamebird. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Gamebird? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What do you mean? Like, you - you hunt it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How hard could it be to kill this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I couldn't help but notice that you have quite a library in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> If I had a dime for every book he's actually read, (laughing) I'd <b> </b><b> </b> be broke. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> More wine anyone? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Yeah. I'll take some. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hmmm? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> How do you like the Merlot? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Merlot? I never heard of it. Did they just invent it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Oh, mother. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's, uh, she's heard of Merlot. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The <b> </b><b> </b> rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't we talk about it another time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a <b> </b><b> </b> chicken. Something's missing! <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Something's missing all right. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's perverse. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did anybody see Firestorm? <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Firestorm, that's a hell of a picture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Remember when they had the helicopter land on top of that car -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Hey! Hey! Come on! Come on! I haven't seen it yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> It doesn't have anything to do with the plot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Still! Still! I like to go in fresh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh mother of God. <b> </b> (clip clop) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Of course, uh, this is Central Park. Uh, this was designed in 1850 by <b> </b><b> </b> Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern armies <b> </b><b> </b> could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Rusty! <b> </b> (applause) <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> Thank you. Now, I'd like to play something th -- well, actually, it's <b> </b><b> </b> my latest so it's nice and fresh. It's called " Hot And Heavy." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (saxophone playing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank God that's over. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> The mother seems to hit the sauce pretty hard. I didn't like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> And who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it <b> </b><b> </b> kill them to put out a pound cake? Something! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, they didn't give you a piece of cake? Big deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> It is a big deal. You're supposed to serve cake after a meal. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> sorry. It's impolite. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Not impolite...it's stupid, that's what it is. You gotta be stupid to <b> </b><b> </b> do something like that! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Your father's absolutely right. We're sitting there like idiots <b> </b><b> </b> drinking coffee without a piece of cake! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is this? The marble rye? <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Oh, dear. I forgot to put out that - that bread they brought. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> We forgot to bring it in. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No, I brought it in. They never put it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Where is it? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I don't know. Where'd you put it? <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Right over there. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, it's gone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You stole the bread? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What do you mean stole? It's my bread. They didn't eat it. Why should <b> </b><b> </b> I leave it there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because we brought it for them! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Apparently, it wasn't good enough for them to serve. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Is it possible they took it back? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Who would bring a bread and take it back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Those people, that's who. I think they're sick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> People take buses to get that rye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe they forgot to put it out! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Aw, they didn't forget to put it out! It's deliberate! Deliberate, I <b> </b><b> </b> tell ya! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He stole back the rye? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker! That's why. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, do the Ross's know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. They're all very suspicious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't just disappear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, because of that stupid rye bread, I gotta keep them all <b> </b><b> </b> separated for the rest of my life. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bad situation. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to replace that rye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean replace it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, you go out, you get another rye. Of course, it would have <b> </b><b> </b> to be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, there ya go. What's so hard about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's so hard about that? How am I supposed to get it in there? I <b> </b><b> </b> can't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apartment! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. All right. Don't panic. Let's just think about it. Get the <b> </b><b> </b> Ross's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute. Wait <b> </b><b> </b> a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that hansom <b> </b><b> </b> cab. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Kramer'll take them around for a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And it's their anniversary Friday night. I could send them for a <b> </b><b> </b> hansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you kidding? People love it. There's something about the clip clop, <b> </b><b> </b> clip clop. They're nuts for it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, they go off for the ride, by the time they come back the bread is <b> </b><b> </b> there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about Susan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's working late that night. We're - were supposed to have dinner <b> </b><b> </b> with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> o'clock. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beautiful! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think Kramer'll do it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Of course I'll do it. I'd be happy to. So, all I gotta do is be there <b> </b><b> </b> at seven? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Just take 'em out and ride 'em around for about..half an hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell are you doing there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans. You want some? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. No thanks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I think I bought too much at that price club. I don't have any <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> room for it all. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How am I gonna get the rye bread <b> </b><b> </b> into the apartment? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just put it under your shirt. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye? It - it's huge! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over. I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll <b> </b><b> </b> come by five after seven right after they leave. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is all locking in now. It is all locking in! (laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Is that your horse outside? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. That's Rusty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? He's outside? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw, come on. I wanna go see him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You wanna go see him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Hey! Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll show ya Rusty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you really did me in this time, didn't ya? First guy I like in <b> </b><b> </b> a really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is just <b> </b><b> </b> great. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and then <b> </b><b> </b> you have to come along with your hot and your heavy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you think Clyde told him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He wrote a song about it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe it's a good thing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! It's not a good thing! It's a bad thing! Do you know what this is <b> </b><b> </b> like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel sick <b> </b><b> </b> to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but I've read articles and I must say it, doesn't sound very <b> </b><b> </b> pleasant. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, one of these days, something terrible is gonna happen to you. <b> </b><b> </b> It has to! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far as your situation, you're <b> </b><b> </b> seeing him tonight so talk to him about it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't! He's got a big showcase for record producers at his late <b> </b><b> </b> show tonight. I don't wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, I'll upset <b> </b><b> </b> him. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Yeah George, I gotta tell ya, this is a very nice gesture. We <b> </b><b> </b> really appreciate it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw, well, you know, it's your anniversary. It's - it's the least I <b> </b><b> </b> can do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time. Ha <b> </b><b> </b> ha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs? <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Oh, we got about twenty minutes. You, uh, seem a little nervous <b> </b><b> </b> George. Anything wrong? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Fine. <b> </b><b> </b> Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. Could I, uh, <b> </b><b> </b> could I get a glass of water? <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> We've got water. I don't think we have any bread, but we've got <b> </b><b> </b> water. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. There ya go. That's Beef-A-Reeno. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (singing) I'm so keen-o <b> </b> On Beef-A-Reeno <b> </b> What a delicious cuisine-o <b> </b> Fit for a king and queen-o! <b> </b> Yeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Nice night for a hansom cab ride, 'ay George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> You know, George we haven't done anything romantic like this in <b> </b><b> </b> ....years. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (thinking) Oh my God, it's 7:01. What have I done? My whole plan is <b> </b><b> </b> depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make such a <b> </b><b> </b> stupid mistake? He'll never show up! <b> </b> (clip clop) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah ha! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There he is. Right on time as usual. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> COUNTER WOMAN </b><b> 53. </b> <b> </b><b> MABEL </b> 53. I'd like a marble rye, no plastic, in a bag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COUNTER WOMAN </b> Ah! You're lucky. It's our last one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, that's your last marble rye? <b> </b><b> </b><b> COUNTER WOMAN </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's none left? <b> </b><b> COUNTER WOMAN </b> That's what I said. Number 54. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, excuse me. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I - I have to have <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future may <b> </b><b> </b> depend on it. <b> </b><b> MABEL </b> Well, I'm sorry, but you should have got here earlier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. Well, be that as it may, if you could just find it in yourself to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> give it up. <b> </b><b> MABEL </b> You're not getting this rye -- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. All right. I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, I will give you <b> </b><b> </b> double what you paid for it. <b> </b><b> MABEL </b> You're in my way! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is Cosmo and I'll be your driver for <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> this evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have hot <b> </b><b> </b> chocolate if the mood should strike you. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> My favorite. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, if we're all set to go, why don't you two hop aboard and let me <b> </b><b> </b> show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was. Oh, <b> </b><b> </b> happy anniversary. On, Rusty! <b> </b> (clip clop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Look, I'll tell ya what, I'll give you $50. Now, be <b> </b><b> </b> reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye. <b> </b><b> MABEL </b> No? Watch me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Give me that rye! <b> </b><b> MABEL </b> Stop it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want that rye, lady! <b> </b><b> MABEL </b> Help! Someone help! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shut up, you old bag! <b> </b><b> MABEL </b> Stop thief! Stop him! He's got my marble rye! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly like this. I know you've got <b> </b><b> </b> your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it is, I <b> </b><b> </b> know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell you <b> </b><b> </b> that I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didn't think we were hot and <b> </b><b> </b> heavy. I mean - I mean, who's hot and who's heavy? <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> Whoa. Hold on, Elaine I.....I'm kinda disappointed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Disappointed? <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> Yeah. I mean, I was excited when Clyde told me that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You were? <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> Absolutely. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! Whew! I am so relieved! <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> Listen, uh, I've still got a couple of hours to kill before the next <b> </b><b> </b> show. My place is only a few blocks from here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> And you know what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> I've been thinking about what we do and I'm thinking..of...adding a new <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> number to my, you know, repertoire. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! <b> </b> (clip clop) <b> </b> (Rusty snorting) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Y'aah! <b> </b> (clip clop) <b> </b> (Rusty farts) <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (sniffing) What is that? <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> I think it's the horse. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Oh, God. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how's everything? You..you need anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> This is - this is...horrible. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Excuse me,...what do you feed this animal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you know, oats and hay. You know, they like that stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> I can't take this. Let me out of this thing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Turn this thing around. We've had it. We can't breathe back here! <b> </b><b> </b> And hurry it up! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Rusty! Rusty! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whistling) <b> </b> (clip clopping beginning in distance and growing discernibly louder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha - what happened? What are you doing back so soon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Ask Rusty. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never knows how the <b> </b><b> </b> gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Thanks for nothing! Come on, George. Let's go upstairs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the hell happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The horse is gassy. Must have been the Beef-A-Reeno. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Beef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I overbought! <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (muttering) <b> </b><b> MUSIC GUY </b> What's going on? Where is he? <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Uh...he'll be here soon. <b> </b><b> MUSIC GUY </b> I'll give him ten more minutes. I'm not gonna stay here all night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much did you give him? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just a can. But he really liked it, though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry! Up here! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Hey, what do you want me to do with this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't come out. They're standing right by the door. Throw it up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come on. What are you, kidding me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Will you get this horse outta here. He's killing me. I can't get any oxygen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't wanna go back on there! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (grunting as he throws bread into the air) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (grunting) Hey! Hey, wait a second. I got an idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. No. Don't be silly, John, you were very good. You just don't have to try so hard. Good luck, honey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on! Come on! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second! I never baited a hook with a rye before. Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin. All right. Take it away. <b> </b><b> </b> (George finally gets rye into apartment, turning around to discover everyone staring at him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. (grunting) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (applause) <b> </b> (John attempts to play saxophone, discovering that no sound is being created by the instrument) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Rye Script

1996-01-25

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CADDY </b> Written by Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So why don't you get a locksmith? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was going to, but then I found out that the auto club has this free locksmith service, so I signed up. Just waiting for the membership to kick in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How long has your car been sitting in the Yankee parking lot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, about three days. <b> </b> (Kramer enters with golf clubs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y-you're not playin' golf? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, indeed. The calendar says winter, but he gods of spring are out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are the courses open? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan the Caddy, we've been going through the caddies entrance. <b> </b><b> </b> George. Huh, No kidding? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else. Stan's advice has <b> </b> transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually I'll <b> </b> have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. Oh, that's my dream, <b> </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really, you're getting that good? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm the real deal. <b> </b> (Knocking is heard from outside in the hallway) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, here, Stan, in here! <b> </b> (Stan enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There he is, yeah - Jerry, George, this is Stan the Caddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How ya doin'? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> STAN </b> Nice to meet you. Ready to hit the links, Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, you betcha. <b> </b><b> STAN </b> What are those, ah, cotton pants? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah...Why, is it too cold out? <b> </b><b> STAN </b> Here's what you do: you bring a lightweight jacket, that way the <b> </b><b> </b> sun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, that makes sense, that's a good call, Stan. Alright, we'll <b> </b><b> </b> see you guys later, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, we'll see ya. <b> </b> (Kramer and Stan leave) <b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> Stan The Caddy. <b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> (On the street) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Elaine? <b> </b> (Elaine turns to see Sue Ellen waving her hand) <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, great. It's the bra-less wonder. Who <b> </b><b> </b> does she think she's kidding? Look at her, she's totally out of <b> </b> control. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> I was thinking that woman looks like Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, ha ha ha. What have you been up to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> I've just been hanging out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I see. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Oh, listen! I'm having a birthday party tomorrow evening, <b> </b> I'd love it if you came by. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tomorrow...? I don't know if I can. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Nooo? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'm just really, really busy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Oh, that's too bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Well, I hope you can get me a gift anyway.........ha ha ha. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha ha ha. <b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George!? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr. Wilhelm! <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Mr Steinbrenner and I really <b> </b> want you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting <b> </b><b> </b> in....And, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the General <b> </b> Manger, hasn't really been working out. And the boos thinks, you're the <b> </b> man for the job! So, keep it under your hat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Assistant to the General Manager!! You know what means?!? <b> </b> He'd could be askin' my advice on trades! Trades, Jerry, I'm a <b> </b> heartbeat away! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a hell of an organization they're running up there. I <b> </b> can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And, it is all because of that car. You see, Steinbrenner is <b> </b> like the first guy in, at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures <b> </b><b> </b> I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He <b> </b> see my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of <b> </b><b> </b> them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever <b> </b> made. <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, how ya doing?!? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Better, now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> yeah, what happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know Sue Ellen Mishke? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sue Ellen Mishke? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland, she moved here last <b> </b><b> </b> year... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sounds familiar. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah, you mentioned her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. I ran into her today. This woman has never, not once, <b> </b> ever, as long as I have known her, worn a bra. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, that is disgusting-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is just shameless, I don't know, There's no-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The woman's a pig, what wrong with her-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's wrong, it's rude, and it's-- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's disgusting-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, there's no--- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on! Come-on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're only kidding! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't understand. See, she hasn't changed at all. She <b> </b> stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party, and <b> </b> I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way, <b> </b> and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows <b> </b> her, right out the door! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's your Lex Luthor! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Her birthday's comin' up, so I decided to get her a little <b> </b> present. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you going to get her? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A very traditional, a very supportive, brazier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's nothing subtle about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, she might just think its a gift. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have I ever bought you a jock strap as a gift? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The coffee shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahhh, Hey-Ho. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at <b> </b> work?!? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting out of town with Susan <b> </b> for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you're just taking off from work? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They won't know. I got the car there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you think this is such a good idea, with you being on the <b> </b> verge of this big promotion? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My presence, in that office, can only hurt my chances. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's office at J Peterman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sue Ellen Mishke? Ah, alright, send her in. <b> </b><b> </b> (Sue Ellen enters, wearing the brazier as a top, with a black blazer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hellllloo. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop <b> </b> in, and thank you for your lovely gift. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohhhhh. You're....welcome. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Is anything wrong? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a top, it's a bra. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Oh, I know. Thanks again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Rosses cabin) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Wanna check out a swap meet? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, maybe. Where'd you get that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, it was on the windshield of the car when we came out of that <b> </b><b> </b> rest stop. <b> </b> (George sits up suddenly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment, phone ringing) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to do me a favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's goin' on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just remembered, there's this Chinese restaurant out near <b> </b> Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I need ya to go out to the <b> </b> parking lot at Yankee Stadium, and take the flyers off my car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know last time you had me throwin' a rye bread up three <b> </b> floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers off <b> </b> your car, where does it end?!? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright. I'll drive the 4 hours each way, 6 hours all <b> </b><b> </b> together, and take 'em off myself!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright, I'll do it!! <b> </b> (Jerry hangs up, Kramer enters Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what are ya up to? <b> </b> Kramer. Nothin'. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do ya wanna go with me up to the Bronx and see if there's any <b> </b> flyers on George's car. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> yep. <b> </b> (Yankee Stadium parking lot.) <b> </b> (George's car is covered with flyers bird droppings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, man, look at this mess! You know what's gonna happen if <b> </b> they see this? What are we gonna do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we gotta get it washed....Ah, the keys are locked inside! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a second.... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are ya gonna do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll just snag the lock with this. Here we go... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, this quite a life I lead here, huh? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer driving George's car, after the car wash. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is behind the wheel.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George has gotta be happy about this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, yeah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just wearing a bra? <b> </b><b> </b> (Sue Ellen is seen walking down the street) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, mama. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer!!! <b> </b> (Car crashes into a lamp post) <b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My God, are you okay? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got a cut on my head and I banged my shoulder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess I have to bring his car back up to the stadium, if it <b> </b> can make it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So how did this happen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was starin' at some woman! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I couldn't help it, you saw what she was wearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What woman? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There was this beautiful woman walking down the street wearing <b> </b> just a bra. I can't get that image out of my mind. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...my God. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohhh! That's Sue Ellen Mishke! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sue Ellen Mishke? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's the bra I gave here, she's wearing it as a top! The <b> </b> woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on, <b> </b> she's a menace to society. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, my arm really hurts. I wonder if its gonna affect my <b> </b><b> </b> golf swing. <b> </b> (Kramer makes a golf swing motion and collapses in pain) <b> </b> (Stan enters) <b> </b><b> STAN </b> I got your message, how's the shoulder? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> STAN </b> No, no. Not the left arm! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happens if I can't play like I was? What about the tour, <b> </b> and all my dreams? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! I got it! Let's sue her! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sue her? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, she's loaded. She's the heiress to the O'Henry candy bar <b> </b><b> </b> fortune. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson from that coffee <b> </b> company. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, listen to me. Listen! This is a once in a lifetime <b> </b> opportunity. Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got to be held <b> </b><b> </b> accountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you think, Stan? <b> </b><b> STAN </b> Let's go for the green! You know a good lawyer? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer smiles) <b> </b> (Jackie Chiles' office) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding <b> </b> your own business? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Then what happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> No top? She didn't have a top on? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Well how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was <b> </b> an attractive woman? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin' <b> </b> around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She was flouting. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, vesivius, salacious, <b> </b> outrageous! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar <b> </b><b> </b> fortune. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Could you repeat that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I said she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> O'Henry? That's one of our top-selling candy bars. It's got <b> </b> chocolate, peanuts, nougat, it's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding! <b> </b><b> </b> Have you been to a doctor? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer, tell him it's for me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we got a case? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Like taking candy from a baby. <b> </b> (The cabin) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I got it. How 'bout this? How 'bout this? We trade Jim <b> </b><b> </b> Leyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh? Whadda ya think? <b> </b> That way you have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now you got <b> </b> a team! Ha ha ha. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I don't know, George. I'm still worried about this car thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would ya stop worrying? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, what about the flyers? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry took the flyers off the car, I got the whole thing <b> </b> covered. <b> </b> (Yankee Stadium parking lot) <b> </b> (Jerry having difficulty parking the car. After getting the car in the <b> </b> space, Jerry leans against the door, trying to close it. Finally he <b> </b> gives up and leaves, kicking a piece of the car under it as he goes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Come in! <b> </b> (Wilhelm enters) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Ah, Wilhelm. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Mr. Steinbrenner, I am very concerned about George Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> How 'bout a 'good morning'? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Yes sir, good morning, good morning, sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Good morning to you, Wilhelm. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Anyway, his car's in the parking lot, the front end is based <b> </b> in, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere. <b> </b><b> </b> Obviously he was in some sort of terrible car accident, and, trooper <b> </b> that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Alright, Wilhelm, listen to me. I want the stadium <b> </b> scoured. He could be bleeding to death in the bullpen. Put everyone on <b> </b><b> </b> alert, check all the area hospitals, clinics, shelters, we've gotta find <b> </b><b> </b> that kid. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Yes sir, yes sir. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> We must find George, find him, Wilhelm! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The hallway in Jerry's building) <b> </b> (As Jerry walks down the hall to his apartment, he finds Sue Ellen <b> </b> knocking on Kramer's door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Excuse me, do you happen to know the gentleman across the <b> </b> hall? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, yes, I do. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Do you happen to know if he'll be back anytime soon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Oh... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is there something I can help you with? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> No, I really just needed to speak with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you can wait for him in here if you like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Oh, maybe I will. <b> </b> (Jerry quickly unlocks his door, before she can change her mind) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> If you don't mind. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, not at all. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b> (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> What is with these people, all day long. Come in, come <b> </b> in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, you know, we've searched everywhere, <b> </b> there's no sign of him. Not even anyone who remotely fits his <b> </b><b> </b> description, sir. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Oh my God, do you know what this means, Wilhelm? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> What, sir? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> He's dead! Costanza's dead! <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Well, no, no, you see, I don't think-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> As quickly as he came here, he's gone. The poor little <b> </b> guy! Easy. Easy, big Stein, get it together. Ok, Wilhelm. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Yessir? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Find out where his parents live. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Parents. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> I'm gonna personally notify them. ...and, ah, line up <b> </b> some candidates to fill that assistant to the General Manager position, <b> </b> we can't grieve forever! We gotta get back to business! Back to <b> </b> Business Wilhelm! <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, buddy, he's taking the case! Jackie Chiles is right on <b> </b> it! Right on it, he's all over it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, so the woman was walking around in a bra, I mean <b> </b> it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been watching <b> </b> the road. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, your attitude has certainly changed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think my attitude has changed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you to testify. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't know if I.... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think I-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, this is a million dollars we're talkin' about, Jerry, <b> </b> now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my team, <b> </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about it, Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright what's gotten into you, what's happened?!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing's happened. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Goohhhhck. <b> </b> (As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in the garbage <b> </b><b> </b> can) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ohhhh, what's this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second,... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't <b> </b> she? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, it is not what you think. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. I think you're gaga over <b> </b><b> </b> this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're <b> </b> willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down <b> </b><b> </b> the river. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander <b> </b> out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality <b> </b> O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're just out for sex! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're just out for money! <b> </b><b> KRAMER AND JERRY </b> Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! <b> </b> (The Costanza house, Queens) <b> </b> (Steinbrenner is knocking, Estelle open the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Mrs. Costanza? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Yesss? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> My name is George Steinbrenner, I'm afraid I have some <b> </b> very sad new about your son. <b> </b> (Scene changes to Costanza living room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I can't believe it, he was so young. How could this <b> </b> have happened? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Well, he'd been logging some pretty heavy hours, first <b> </b> one in in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was a human <b> </b><b> </b> dynamo. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Are you sure you're talking about George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had <b> </b> 30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for an arm, you <b> </b><b> </b> don't know what the hell you're doin'!! <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Well, Buener was a good prospect, no question about it. <b> </b> But my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying 'Ken <b> </b> Phelps , Ken Phelps'. <b> </b> (Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message on <b> </b> his answering machine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Jerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr. Steinbrenner is here, George is dead, call me back! <b> </b> (The phone rings again) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, it's George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where have you been?!? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just got the most bizarre message from you father, <b> </b> Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dead? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and we had an accident with your car, it's a little <b> </b> crumpled. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My car is a little crumpled?!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do so I put it back at the <b> </b> stadium. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, they saw <b> </b> the blood, they couldn't find ya, and now that's why Steinbrenner thinks <b> </b><b> </b> you're dead! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, I gotta head back right away, I'll -- I gotta figure <b> </b> something out here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you gotta call your parents. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't, Steinbrenner might still be there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nnnooo! They could use the break! <b> </b> (Elaine's office at J Peterman) <b> </b> (Elaine is at her desk, Peterman enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, do you see this? Do you see what <b> </b> I'm holding is my hands? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's a bra. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I saw a woman in our hallway wearing one of these as a top. <b> </b> What exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her, but the <b> </b> elevator door closed. It was not to be. Perhaps our paths will cross <b> </b> again some day. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is this all about? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I wanna market this item as a new direction in women's <b> </b> Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild parties, <b> </b> driving all the men crazy.....Have it on my desk by the end of the week. <b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Come in, come in. <b> </b> (George enters, with a bandage on his head, walking with crutches) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr. Steinbrenner-- <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Ahhh, Ahhh! Ah, ah ah! Is it you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, it's me sir. It's been a harrowing few days. After the <b> </b> car accident, I crawled into a ditch and managed to survive on grubs and <b> </b><b> </b> puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted one of those. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, I think I may have found <b> </b> a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to give up <b> </b> that much. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Well, don't tell it to me George, tell it to the new <b> </b> Assistant to the General Manager. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't get the job? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Well, once you were dead, we couldn't just sit on our <b> </b> hands. We had to make a move... <b> </b> (Dejected, George turns to leave, no longer walking with he crutches, <b> </b><b> </b> and takes the bandage off his head) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> But, you still have your old job. Of course, we'll have <b> </b> to dock you for the time you missed. We're running a ball club here. <b> </b> If I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next thing <b> </b> you know its chaos! And I can tell you this, chaos does not work for <b> </b> the New York Yankees! Not as long as I'm running the show! <b> </b> (Courtroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> So it was the meeting on the street that prompted you to buy <b> </b> the bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes...ummm, yes, that's correct. <b> </b> (Sue Ellen leans back and smiles at Jerry, Kramer notices, worried) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> And you have also brought with you, another bra, exactly like <b> </b> the one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, that's correct. <b> </b> (Kramer is now on the witness stand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> What was you golf score, the last round you played...before you <b> </b><b> </b> shoulder was injured? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Three under par. <b> </b> (Stan nods proudly) <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Oooohhhh, three under par...That's what the <b> </b> professionals shoot, isn't it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If they're lucky. <b> </b> (Stan laughs) <b> </b> (Jerry is now on the witness stand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Would you tell this jury exactly what you saw on the corner of <b> </b> 83rd Street and Columbus? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I...don't remember. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Well, did you, or did you not, see the defendant, wearing the <b> </b> bra? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Maybe. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that you are under oath. Now <b> </b> I ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing the <b> </b> bra?!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ....Alright, alright, I saw her! And she was beautiful in that <b> </b> bra! I'm crazy about her! I love her whole free swinging, free <b> </b><b> </b> wheeling attitude! <b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> This court will come to order! <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> No further questions, your honor. <b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> You may step down. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> I think we got this wrapped up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STAN </b> You're close, you're on the green. You just have to go for the cup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> STAN </b> Have her try on the bra, see if it fits. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> No, no, no, no! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Stan? Who the hell is Stan? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's my caddy. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> You're caddy?!? This is a big mistake! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> G- cada- <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Your honor, we request at this time, that Miss Mishke...try on the bra. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> This court will come to order! Go ahead Miss Mishke, try it on. <b> </b><b> </b> (Sue Ellen proceeds to try on the bra, over her top, but it seems too <b> </b> small) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Ah, it doesn't fit...I can't put it on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothin' now, nothin'! I've been practicing law for 25 years, you're listenin' to a caddy! This is a public humiliation! You can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit on over a leotard. A bra gotta fit right up a person's skin, like a glove! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's office) <b> </b> (Two women enter wearing bras as tops) <b> </b><b> WOMAN #1 </b> Oh, hey, Elaine, how 'bout some lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> WOMAN #2 </b> Great job on the Gatzby Swing Top. It's a winner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, thanks. <b> </b><b> WOMAN #1 </b> Are you sure you don't wanna go? We have reservations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble gettin' a table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN #1 </b> Ciao. <b> </b><b> WOMAN #2 </b> Ba-bye. <b> </b> (Elaine makes a gun with her fingers and points it to her head) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Caddy Script

1996-02-01

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SEVEN </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Jerry's standup piece. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colours up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Antique Toy Store) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (awed) Oh, look at this! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. <b> </b><b> </b> Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that! <b> </b> Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive <b> </b><b> </b> woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of <b> </b> mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest <b> </b> and arms. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, <b> </b> and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices <b> </b> and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's <b> </b> voice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think Jerry? Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, be great for your paper route. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> I think your friend needs some help over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off <b> </b> the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she <b> </b> falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her <b> </b> down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings <b> </b> the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b> Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is <b> </b><b> </b> Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> A little baby girl? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Doctor says it could be any day now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are <b> </b><b> </b> cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what <b> </b><b> </b> does that make me? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Doesn't make you anything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter. <b> </b><b> </b> George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and <b> </b><b> </b> Carrie look perturbed. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, have you picked out a name yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aww. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (negative) Hu-ho, boy. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> You don't like Kimberley? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ech. What else you got? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> How about Joan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon, I'm eating here. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (warning) George! <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Pamela? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I don't know, it sounds a little strange. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you <b> </b><b> </b> Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEN </b> Yeah, but uh... Soda? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that's right. It's working. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> We'll put it on the list. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I solve problems. That's just what I do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building <b> </b><b> </b> A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced <b> </b><b> </b> meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's demolishing his food stocks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're really going to town with that turkey there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I got a big appetite. <b> </b> Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's on the door. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? <b> </b><b> </b> No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon. <b> </b> Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, 's no good. <b> </b> Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, <b> </b><b> </b> and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's <b> </b><b> </b> taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. That's bush league. <b> </b> Kramer heads toward the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? <b> </b><b> </b> That's like half a pound of turkey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without <b> </b><b> </b> Dijon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your <b> </b><b> </b> favourites on hand. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy <b> </b><b> </b> with our arrangement? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What arrangement? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I <b> </b><b> </b> Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there <b> </b><b> </b> and I will. <b> </b> Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's <b> </b><b> </b> Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What's with your neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. <b> </b><b> </b> (pointedly) By myself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ach, maybe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned <b> </b><b> </b> it... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the <b> </b><b> </b> hell up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike <b> </b><b> </b> to the first person who could make this pain go away. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, you really hurting, huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer, it's just awful. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, lean forward, relax. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (worried) What? What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Encounter shiatsu. <b> </b> Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the <b> </b><b> </b> Healing power of the body's natural pressure points. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah hah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (seriously worried) Wha...? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's a genius. Here we go... <b> </b> Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks <b> </b><b> </b> Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the <b> </b><b> </b> couch, and her feet stamp on the floor. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> From pain, will come pleasure. <b> </b> Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud <b> </b><b> </b> Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and <b> </b><b> </b> steps away, job done. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh? Voila. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's even more amazing is his formal training is in <b> </b><b> </b> paediatrics. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Awright, my work is done here. <b> </b> Kramer heads for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to <b> </b><b> </b> anyone who fixes your neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You really think he wants the bike? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It took him like ten seconds! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b> George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, <b> </b><b> </b> smiling and whistling. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think they really went for that Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A <b> </b><b> </b> Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b> George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the <b> </b><b> </b> Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What is that? Sign language? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Seven. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Seven Costanza? You're serious? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl... <b> </b><b> </b> Susan scoffs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...especially a girl. Or a boy. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you don't like the name? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> It's not a name. It's a number. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all <b> </b><b> </b> Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> It's awful. I hate it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry) Well, that's the name! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to <b> </b><b> </b> be named Seven! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all <b> </b><b> </b> crazy on me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him <b> </b><b> </b> about his contretemps with Susan. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of <b> </b><b> </b> school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually <b> </b><b> </b> seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name <b> </b><b> </b> than Seven. <b> </b> Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? <b> </b><b> </b> Pretty name for a girl. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, you having a good time there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the <b> </b><b> </b> array of good within. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? <b> </b><b> </b> Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. I had this name for a long time. <b> </b> Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I forgot to call Christie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop <b> </b><b> </b> neck. She looked like some kinda superhero. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do <b> </b><b> </b> it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smug) I'm not engaged. <b> </b> George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, I got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Got what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Refrigerator problem, is solved. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I <b> </b><b> </b> want. <b> </b> Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I <b> </b><b> </b> put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the <b> </b><b> </b> bowl) There. Very simple. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sort of a mooching inventory. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em <b> </b><b> </b> all up, and you give me the bill. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George passes by as he goes to the fridge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other <b> </b><b> </b> at our word, all is lost. <b> </b> George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> hears the hiss, and notices George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, <b> </b><b> </b> Fastened to the collar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the <b> </b><b> </b> best in the city. <b> </b> A member of staff approaches. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> May I take your coat, miss? <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Yes, thank you. <b> </b> The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that <b> </b><b> </b> she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monks') <b> </b> Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George <b> </b><b> </b> Fingers his chin thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The same outfit? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The exact same outfit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How many days was it between encounters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Three. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new <b> </b><b> </b> wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got <b> </b><b> </b> clean and she started all over again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at <b> </b><b> </b> the end of the cycle? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe she moved it up in the rotation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very curious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Indeed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't <b> </b><b> </b> Destroy someone else's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about 'Mickey'? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'! <b> </b> George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a <b> </b><b> </b> cigar in his mouth. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the <b> </b><b> </b> fridge? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, that's yours. My half is gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your <b> </b><b> </b> beef? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You cannot buy half a can of soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation <b> </b><b> </b> with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes <b> </b><b> </b> for this, okay... <b> </b> Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought <b> </b><b> </b> the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry hold up a half banana. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...You bite it, you bought it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even <b> </b><b> </b> know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like <b> </b><b> </b> saying, <b> </b> you're hungry enough to eat a horse. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He <b> </b><b> </b> gets it from his butcher. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't <b> </b><b> </b> have the bike. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are <b> </b><b> </b> the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I <b> </b><b> </b> can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine... <b> </b> Kramer holds one hand up above his head. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I always put you up here... <b> </b> Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He <b> </b><b> </b> leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There <b> </b><b> </b> is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, <b> </b><b> </b> expectantly. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grudging) Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (points) Digidi. <b> </b> Kramer leaves and closes the door again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George and Susan are having dinner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody <b> </b><b> </b> else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told <b> </b><b> </b> them the name, they just loved it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what're you saying? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> They're gonna name their baby Seven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, <b> </b><b> </b> I made it up! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can't believe that they're using it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose <b> </b><b> </b> all its cachet! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the <b> </b><b> </b> yin-yang! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself <b> </b><b> </b> from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her <b> </b><b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head <b> </b><b> </b> Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the <b> </b><b> </b> other way gives her a warning. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Watch your step. <b> </b> Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Excuse me. Elaine? <b> </b> Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b> Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head <b> </b><b> </b> and neck. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, <b> </b><b> </b> right? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie? <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Yes. How y'doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (bearing up) I'm fine. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Christie walks away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing <b> </b><b> </b> the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street. <b> </b><b> VOICE 1 </b> Lookin' good. <b> </b><b> VOICE 2 </b> Hey Cosmo, nice wheels. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got that right! <b> </b> A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo. <b> </b><b> KID </b> (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shouting) Kramer! Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Apartment Building) <b> </b> George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apartment. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (angry shout) Kramer! <b> </b> Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's <b> </b><b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey <b> </b> Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Haven't seen him. How's the neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was <b> </b><b> </b> before. <b> </b> Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she <b> </b><b> </b> moves. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a <b> </b><b> </b> knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the <b> </b><b> </b> antique store. What's her name, Christie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You saw her? What was she wearing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of <b> </b><b> </b> my neck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you care? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress. <b> </b><b> </b> There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the <b> </b><b> </b> TV and is heading for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you have a nice ride? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, great ride. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his <b> </b><b> </b> stumbling way upright again. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What're you talking about?! We had a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) <b> </b><b> </b> Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a <b> </b><b> </b> week. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? You never told me that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's common sense. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should <b> </b><b> </b> settle this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but <b> </b><b> </b> unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> involved. What you need is an impartial mediator. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'm down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story <b> </b><b> </b> before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose <b> </b><b> </b> heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of <b> </b><b> </b> any kind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted <b> </b><b> </b> back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an <b> </b><b> </b> Impression of limitless wisdom. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, that's the situation. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly <b> </b><b> </b> has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one <b> </b><b> </b> rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is <b> </b><b> </b> all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages <b> </b><b> </b> who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels <b> </b><b> </b> into mailboxes where they don't belong!!... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! <b> </b> Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no <b> </b><b> </b> Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright, let's begin. <b> </b> Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 'ting' of a microwave. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (excited) Ooh, my cocoa! <b> </b> Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ken and Carrie's Apartment) <b> </b> Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> explaining about Seven. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Why can't we use Seven? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed <b> </b><b> </b> The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't <b> </b><b> </b> waffle! <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. <b> </b><b> </b> It's very unusual. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on <b> </b><b> </b> Soda. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't care for Soda?! <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's <b> </b><b> </b> refreshing! <b> </b> Carrie jumps and gives a cry. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Oh! <b> </b><b> KEN </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I felt something. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Are you okay, honey? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I think I'm going into labour. <b> </b> George flashes a panicked expression. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the <b> </b><b> </b> hospital... <b> </b> Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here. <b> </b><b> </b> Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George trails along behind them, making suggestions. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about Six? <b> </b> Ken gives him a look over his shoulder. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ken has left, George follows out the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George closes the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is <b> </b><b> </b> wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm just a little uh, worn out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> I know exactly what you mean. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sure you do. <b> </b> Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews <b> </b> thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the <b> </b><b> </b> same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like <b> </b><b> </b> Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. <b> </b> Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the <b> </b><b> </b> shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (horrified) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much <b> </b><b> </b> you can do. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go <b> </b><b> </b> back to my apartment, so I can change? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ken and Carrie's Car) <b> </b> Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd <b> </b><b> </b> expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last <b> </b><b> </b> attempt to save his name. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Are we almost there? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Just keep breathing, okay. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (deep breaths) Okay, okay. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow <b> </b><b> </b> Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. <b> </b> As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Now's not the best time, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEN </b> (firm) George! She's in labour! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry shout) So am I! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> arbitration. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the <b> </b><b> </b> one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for <b> </b><b> </b> compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance <b> </b><b> </b> Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. <b> </b><b> </b> Not for any man... <b> </b> Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> as she can while only being able to look upwards. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the <b> </b><b> </b> bike down the middle, and give half to each of you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! <b> </b><b> </b> Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at <b> </b><b> </b> the bike, looking worried. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing <b> </b><b> </b> in half. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another <b> </b><b> </b> than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, y-yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather <b> </b><b> </b> give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still <b> </b><b> </b> hurting me, <b> </b> and now you have the bike?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he <b> </b><b> </b> goes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Christie's Apartment) <b> </b> Christie leads Jerry into her home. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Here we are. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude. <b> </b><b> </b> Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Well, I guess I'll go change. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, change. By all means, change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits <b> </b><b> </b> down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed <b> </b><b> </b> picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and <b> </b><b> </b> White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date <b> </b><b> </b> written on the photo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! <b> </b><b> </b> She never <b> </b> changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these <b> </b><b> </b> dresses. <b> </b> Jerry gets up from his seat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There must be a secret stash around here somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant <b> </b><b> </b> at discovering Jerry invading her privacy. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Ahem! Are you looking for something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you doing? I thought you were changing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to <b> </b><b> </b> bed. <b> </b> Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on <b> </b><b> </b> The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out <b> </b><b> </b> together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll <b> </b><b> </b> of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go <b> </b><b> </b> downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (gesturing) Get out. <b> </b> Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it <b> </b><b> </b> on him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you <b> </b><b> </b> lay it out on the bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital) <b> </b> Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her <b> </b><b> </b> breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also <b> </b><b> </b> hustles along the corridor with the group. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It <b> </b><b> </b> would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (shouts) I'm having a baby!! <b> </b> The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery <b> </b><b> </b> room. Ken turns to face George. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!! <b> </b><b> </b> Ken strides into the delivery room. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (desperate) Please! I have so little! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path. <b> </b><b> ORDERLY </b> Sorry sir, it's family only. <b> </b> The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through <b> </b><b> </b> The window. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin! <b> </b><b> </b> George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as <b> </b><b> </b> He screams. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seven!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the <b> </b><b> </b> kitchen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? <b> </b><b> </b> (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. <b> </b><b> </b> C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can <b> </b><b> </b> bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. <b> </b><b> </b> (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking <b> </b><b> </b> On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little <b> </b><b> </b> Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer takes a look. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (does a double take) Yikes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. Pretty steep. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't have this kind of cash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Few do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm good for it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, until this bill is paid... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...the food court is closed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five <b> </b><b> </b> minutes. And, don't eat any more. <b> </b> Kramer leaves at a run. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, that's my bike! <b> </b> Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn <b> </b><b> </b> for all he's worth. He rings the bell. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Gangway! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is my bike! <b> </b> Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for <b> </b><b> </b> cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make <b> </b><b> </b> some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty <b> </b><b> </b> shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride. <b> </b> Newman begins to ride away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, <b> </b><b> </b> gimme... <b> </b> Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey!! Help me! <b> </b> The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a <b> </b><b> </b> determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (End) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 7.13 "The Seven" <b> </b><b> EPISODE NUMBER </b><b> 123 </b> <b> </b><b> ORIGINAL AIR DATE </b> February 01, 1996 <b> </b><b> WRITTEN BY </b> Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> DIRECTED BY </b> Andy Ackerman <b> </b><b> GUEST CAST </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken) <b> </b> Shannon Holt (Carrie) <b> </b> Lisa Deanne (Christie) <b> </b> Charles Emmett (Orderly) <b> </b> David Richards (Maitre d') <b> </b> Matthew McCurley (Kid) <b> </b> Josh Abramson (Man #1) <b> </b> Steve Artiaga (Man #2) <b> </b> Cheryl Hunter (Woman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b> Jerry's standup piece. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love it when people are complimented on something they're <b> </b><b> </b> wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, <b> </b><b> </b> thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for <b> </b><b> </b> you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for <b> </b><b> </b> us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come <b> </b><b> </b> Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and <b> </b><b> </b> match the colours up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Antique Toy Store) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (awed) Oh, look at this! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. <b> </b><b> </b> Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that! <b> </b> Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of <b> </b><b> </b> mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest <b> </b><b> </b> and arms. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's <b> </b><b> </b> model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little. <b> </b> Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, <b> </b><b> </b> and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices <b> </b><b> </b> and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's <b> </b><b> </b> voice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think Jerry? Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, be great for your paper route. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> I think your friend needs some help over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off <b> </b><b> </b> the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she <b> </b><b> </b> falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her <b> </b><b> </b> down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings <b> </b><b> </b> the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b> Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is <b> </b><b> </b> Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> A little baby girl? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Doctor says it could be any day now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are <b> </b><b> </b> cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what <b> </b><b> </b> does that make me? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Doesn't make you anything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter. <b> </b><b> </b> George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and <b> </b><b> </b> Carrie look perturbed. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, have you picked out a name yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aww. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (negative) Hu-ho, boy. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> You don't like Kimberley? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ech. What else you got? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> How about Joan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon, I'm eating here. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (warning) George! <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Pamela? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I don't know, it sounds a little strange. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you <b> </b><b> </b> Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEN </b> Yeah, but uh... Soda? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that's right. It's working. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> We'll put it on the list. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I solve problems. That's just what I do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building <b> </b><b> </b> A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced <b> </b><b> </b> meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's demolishing his food stocks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're really going to town with that turkey there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I got a big appetite. <b> </b> Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's on the door. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? <b> </b><b> </b> No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon. <b> </b> Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, 's no good. <b> </b> Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, <b> </b><b> </b> and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's <b> </b><b> </b> taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. That's bush league. <b> </b> Kramer heads toward the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? <b> </b><b> </b> That's like half a pound of turkey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without <b> </b><b> </b> Dijon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your <b> </b><b> </b> favourites on hand. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy <b> </b><b> </b> with our arrangement? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What arrangement? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I <b> </b><b> </b> Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there <b> </b><b> </b> and I will. <b> </b> Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's <b> </b><b> </b> Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What's with your neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. <b> </b><b> </b> (pointedly) By myself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ach, maybe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned <b> </b><b> </b> it... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the <b> </b><b> </b> hell up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike <b> </b><b> </b> to the first person who could make this pain go away. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, you really hurting, huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer, it's just awful. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, lean forward, relax. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (worried) What? What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Encounter shiatsu. <b> </b> Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the <b> </b><b> </b> Healing power of the body's natural pressure points. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah hah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (seriously worried) Wha...? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's a genius. Here we go... <b> </b> Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks <b> </b><b> </b> Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the <b> </b><b> </b> couch, and her feet stamp on the floor. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> From pain, will come pleasure. <b> </b> Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud <b> </b><b> </b> Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and <b> </b><b> </b> steps away, job done. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh? Voila. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's even more amazing is his formal training is in <b> </b><b> </b> paediatrics. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Awright, my work is done here. <b> </b> Kramer heads for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to <b> </b><b> </b> anyone who fixes your neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You really think he wants the bike? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It took him like ten seconds! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b> George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, <b> </b><b> </b> smiling and whistling. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think they really went for that Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A <b> </b><b> </b> Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b> George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the <b> </b><b> </b> Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What is that? Sign language? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Seven. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Seven Costanza? You're serious? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl... <b> </b><b> </b> Susan scoffs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...especially a girl. Or a boy. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you don't like the name? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> It's not a name. It's a number. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all <b> </b><b> </b> Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> It's awful. I hate it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry) Well, that's the name! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to <b> </b><b> </b> be named Seven! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all <b> </b><b> </b> crazy on me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him <b> </b><b> </b> about his contretemps with Susan. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of <b> </b><b> </b> school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually <b> </b><b> </b> seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name <b> </b><b> </b> than Seven. <b> </b> Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? <b> </b><b> </b> Pretty name for a girl. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, you having a good time there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the <b> </b><b> </b> array of good within. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? <b> </b><b> </b> Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. I had this name for a long time. <b> </b> Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I forgot to call Christie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop <b> </b><b> </b> neck. She looked like some kinda superhero. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do <b> </b><b> </b> it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smug) I'm not engaged. <b> </b> George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, I got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Got what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Refrigerator problem, is solved. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I <b> </b><b> </b> want. <b> </b> Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I <b> </b><b> </b> put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the <b> </b><b> </b> bowl) There. Very simple. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sort of a mooching inventory. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em <b> </b><b> </b> all up, and you give me the bill. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George passes by as he goes to the fridge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other <b> </b><b> </b> at our word, all is lost. <b> </b> George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> hears the hiss, and notices George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, <b> </b><b> </b> Fastened to the collar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the <b> </b><b> </b> best in the city. <b> </b> A member of staff approaches. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> May I take your coat, miss? <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Yes, thank you. <b> </b> The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that <b> </b><b> </b> she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monks') <b> </b> Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George <b> </b><b> </b> Fingers his chin thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The same outfit? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The exact same outfit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How many days was it between encounters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Three. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new <b> </b><b> </b> wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got <b> </b><b> </b> clean and she started all over again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at <b> </b><b> </b> the end of the cycle? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe she moved it up in the rotation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very curious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Indeed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't <b> </b><b> </b> Destroy someone else's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about 'Mickey'? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'! <b> </b> George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a <b> </b><b> </b> cigar in his mouth. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the <b> </b><b> </b> fridge? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, that's yours. My half is gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your <b> </b><b> </b> beef? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You cannot buy half a can of soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation <b> </b><b> </b> with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes <b> </b><b> </b> for this, okay... <b> </b> Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought <b> </b><b> </b> the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry hold up a half banana. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...You bite it, you bought it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even <b> </b><b> </b> know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like <b> </b><b> </b> saying, <b> </b> you're hungry enough to eat a horse. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He <b> </b><b> </b> gets it from his butcher. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't <b> </b><b> </b> have the bike. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are <b> </b><b> </b> the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I <b> </b><b> </b> can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine... <b> </b> Kramer holds one hand up above his head. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I always put you up here... <b> </b> Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He <b> </b><b> </b> leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There <b> </b><b> </b> is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, <b> </b><b> </b> expectantly. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grudging) Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (points) Digidi. <b> </b> Kramer leaves and closes the door again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George and Susan are having dinner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody <b> </b><b> </b> else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told <b> </b><b> </b> them the name, they just loved it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what're you saying? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> They're gonna name their baby Seven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, <b> </b><b> </b> I made it up! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can't believe that they're using it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose <b> </b><b> </b> all its cachet! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the <b> </b><b> </b> yin-yang! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself <b> </b><b> </b> from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her <b> </b><b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head <b> </b><b> </b> Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the <b> </b><b> </b> other way gives her a warning. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Watch your step. <b> </b> Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Excuse me. Elaine? <b> </b> Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b> Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head <b> </b><b> </b> and neck. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, <b> </b><b> </b> right? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie? <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Yes. How y'doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (bearing up) I'm fine. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Christie walks away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing <b> </b><b> </b> the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street. <b> </b><b> VOICE 1 </b> Lookin' good. <b> </b><b> VOICE 2 </b> Hey Cosmo, nice wheels. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got that right! <b> </b> A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo. <b> </b><b> KID </b> (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shouting) Kramer! Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Apartment Building) <b> </b> George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apartment. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (angry shout) Kramer! <b> </b> Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's <b> </b><b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey <b> </b> Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Haven't seen him. How's the neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was <b> </b><b> </b> before. <b> </b> Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she <b> </b><b> </b> moves. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a <b> </b><b> </b> knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the <b> </b><b> </b> antique store. What's her name, Christie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You saw her? What was she wearing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of <b> </b><b> </b> my neck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you care? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress. <b> </b><b> </b> There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the <b> </b><b> </b> TV and is heading for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you have a nice ride? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, great ride. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his <b> </b><b> </b> stumbling way upright again. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What're you talking about?! We had a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) <b> </b><b> </b> Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a <b> </b><b> </b> week. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? You never told me that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's common sense. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should <b> </b><b> </b> settle this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but <b> </b><b> </b> unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> involved. What you need is an impartial mediator. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'm down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story <b> </b><b> </b> before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose <b> </b><b> </b> heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of <b> </b><b> </b> any kind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted <b> </b><b> </b> back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an <b> </b><b> </b> Impression of limitless wisdom. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, that's the situation. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly <b> </b><b> </b> has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one <b> </b><b> </b> rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is <b> </b><b> </b> all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages <b> </b><b> </b> who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels <b> </b><b> </b> into mailboxes where they don't belong!!... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! <b> </b> Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no <b> </b><b> </b> Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright, let's begin. <b> </b> Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 'ting' of a microwave. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (excited) Ooh, my cocoa! <b> </b> Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ken and Carrie's Apartment) <b> </b> Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> explaining about Seven. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Why can't we use Seven? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed <b> </b><b> </b> The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't <b> </b><b> </b> waffle! <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. <b> </b><b> </b> It's very unusual. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on <b> </b><b> </b> Soda. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't care for Soda?! <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's <b> </b><b> </b> refreshing! <b> </b> Carrie jumps and gives a cry. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Oh! <b> </b><b> KEN </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I felt something. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Are you okay, honey? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I think I'm going into labour. <b> </b> George flashes a panicked expression. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the <b> </b><b> </b> hospital... <b> </b> Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here. <b> </b><b> </b> Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George trails along behind them, making suggestions. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about Six? <b> </b> Ken gives him a look over his shoulder. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ken has left, George follows out the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George closes the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is <b> </b><b> </b> wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm just a little uh, worn out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> I know exactly what you mean. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sure you do. <b> </b> Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews <b> </b> thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the <b> </b><b> </b> same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like <b> </b><b> </b> Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. <b> </b> Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the <b> </b><b> </b> shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (horrified) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much <b> </b><b> </b> you can do. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go <b> </b><b> </b> back to my apartment, so I can change? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ken and Carrie's Car) <b> </b> Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd <b> </b><b> </b> expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last <b> </b><b> </b> attempt to save his name. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Are we almost there? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Just keep breathing, okay. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (deep breaths) Okay, okay. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow <b> </b><b> </b> Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. <b> </b> As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Now's not the best time, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEN </b> (firm) George! She's in labour! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry shout) So am I! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> arbitration. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the <b> </b><b> </b> one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for <b> </b><b> </b> compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance <b> </b><b> </b> Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. <b> </b><b> </b> Not for any man... <b> </b> Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> as she can while only being able to look upwards. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the <b> </b><b> </b> bike down the middle, and give half to each of you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! <b> </b><b> </b> Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at <b> </b><b> </b> the bike, looking worried. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing <b> </b><b> </b> in half. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another <b> </b><b> </b> than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, y-yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather <b> </b><b> </b> give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still <b> </b><b> </b> hurting me, <b> </b> and now you have the bike?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he <b> </b><b> </b> goes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Christie's Apartment) <b> </b> Christie leads Jerry into her home. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Here we are. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude. <b> </b><b> </b> Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Well, I guess I'll go change. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, change. By all means, change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits <b> </b><b> </b> down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed <b> </b><b> </b> picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and <b> </b><b> </b> White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date <b> </b><b> </b> written on the photo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! <b> </b><b> </b> She never <b> </b> changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these <b> </b><b> </b> dresses. <b> </b> Jerry gets up from his seat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There must be a secret stash around here somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant <b> </b><b> </b> at discovering Jerry invading her privacy. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Ahem! Are you looking for something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you doing? I thought you were changing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to <b> </b><b> </b> bed. <b> </b> Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on <b> </b><b> </b> The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out <b> </b><b> </b> together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll <b> </b><b> </b> of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go <b> </b><b> </b> downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (gesturing) Get out. <b> </b> Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it <b> </b><b> </b> on him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you <b> </b><b> </b> lay it out on the bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital) <b> </b> Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her <b> </b><b> </b> breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also <b> </b><b> </b> hustles along the corridor with the group. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It <b> </b><b> </b> would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (shouts) I'm having a baby!! <b> </b> The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery <b> </b><b> </b> room. Ken turns to face George. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!! <b> </b><b> </b> Ken strides into the delivery room. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (desperate) Please! I have so little! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path. <b> </b><b> ORDERLY </b> Sorry sir, it's family only. <b> </b> The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through <b> </b><b> </b> The window. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin! <b> </b><b> </b> George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as <b> </b><b> </b> He screams. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seven!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the <b> </b><b> </b> kitchen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? <b> </b><b> </b> (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. <b> </b><b> </b> C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can <b> </b><b> </b> bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. <b> </b><b> </b> (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking <b> </b><b> </b> On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little <b> </b><b> </b> Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer takes a look. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (does a double take) Yikes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. Pretty steep. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't have this kind of cash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Few do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm good for it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, until this bill is paid... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...the food court is closed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five <b> </b><b> </b> minutes. And, don't eat any more. <b> </b> Kramer leaves at a run. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, that's my bike! <b> </b> Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn <b> </b><b> </b> for all he's worth. He rings the bell. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Gangway! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is my bike! <b> </b> Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for <b> </b><b> </b> cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make <b> </b><b> </b> some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty <b> </b><b> </b> shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride. <b> </b> Newman begins to ride away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, <b> </b><b> </b> gimme... <b> </b> Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey!! Help me! <b> </b> The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a <b> </b><b> </b> determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (End) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 7.13 "The Seven" <b> </b><b> EPISODE NUMBER </b><b> 123 </b> <b> </b><b> ORIGINAL AIR DATE </b> February 01, 1996 <b> </b><b> WRITTEN BY </b> Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> DIRECTED BY </b> Andy Ackerman <b> </b><b> GUEST CAST </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken) <b> </b> Shannon Holt (Carrie) <b> </b> Lisa Deanne (Christie) <b> </b> Charles Emmett (Orderly) <b> </b> David Richards (Maitre d') <b> </b> Matthew McCurley (Kid) <b> </b> Josh Abramson (Man #1) <b> </b> Steve Artiaga (Man #2) <b> </b> Cheryl Hunter (Woman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b> Jerry's standup piece. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love it when people are complimented on something they're <b> </b><b> </b> wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, <b> </b><b> </b> thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for <b> </b><b> </b> you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for <b> </b><b> </b> us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come <b> </b><b> </b> Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and <b> </b><b> </b> match the colours up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Antique Toy Store) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (awed) Oh, look at this! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. <b> </b><b> </b> Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that! <b> </b> Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of <b> </b><b> </b> mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest <b> </b><b> </b> and arms. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's <b> </b><b> </b> model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little. <b> </b> Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, <b> </b><b> </b> and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices <b> </b><b> </b> and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's <b> </b><b> </b> voice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think Jerry? Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, be great for your paper route. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> I think your friend needs some help over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off <b> </b><b> </b> the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she <b> </b><b> </b> falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her <b> </b><b> </b> down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings <b> </b><b> </b> the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b> Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is <b> </b><b> </b> Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> A little baby girl? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Doctor says it could be any day now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are <b> </b><b> </b> cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what <b> </b><b> </b> does that make me? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Doesn't make you anything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter. <b> </b><b> </b> George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and <b> </b><b> </b> Carrie look perturbed. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, have you picked out a name yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aww. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (negative) Hu-ho, boy. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> You don't like Kimberley? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ech. What else you got? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> How about Joan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon, I'm eating here. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (warning) George! <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Pamela? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I don't know, it sounds a little strange. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you <b> </b><b> </b> Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEN </b> Yeah, but uh... Soda? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that's right. It's working. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> We'll put it on the list. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I solve problems. That's just what I do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building <b> </b><b> </b> A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced <b> </b><b> </b> meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's demolishing his food stocks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're really going to town with that turkey there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I got a big appetite. <b> </b> Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's on the door. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? <b> </b><b> </b> No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon. <b> </b> Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, 's no good. <b> </b> Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, <b> </b><b> </b> and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's <b> </b><b> </b> taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. That's bush league. <b> </b> Kramer heads toward the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? <b> </b><b> </b> That's like half a pound of turkey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without <b> </b><b> </b> Dijon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your <b> </b><b> </b> favourites on hand. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy <b> </b><b> </b> with our arrangement? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What arrangement? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I <b> </b><b> </b> Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there <b> </b><b> </b> and I will. <b> </b> Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's <b> </b><b> </b> Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What's with your neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. <b> </b><b> </b> (pointedly) By myself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ach, maybe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned <b> </b><b> </b> it... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the <b> </b><b> </b> hell up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike <b> </b><b> </b> to the first person who could make this pain go away. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, you really hurting, huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer, it's just awful. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, lean forward, relax. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (worried) What? What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Encounter shiatsu. <b> </b> Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the <b> </b><b> </b> Healing power of the body's natural pressure points. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah hah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (seriously worried) Wha...? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's a genius. Here we go... <b> </b> Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks <b> </b><b> </b> Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the <b> </b><b> </b> couch, and her feet stamp on the floor. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> From pain, will come pleasure. <b> </b> Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud <b> </b><b> </b> Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and <b> </b><b> </b> steps away, job done. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh? Voila. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's even more amazing is his formal training is in <b> </b><b> </b> paediatrics. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Awright, my work is done here. <b> </b> Kramer heads for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to <b> </b><b> </b> anyone who fixes your neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You really think he wants the bike? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It took him like ten seconds! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b> George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, <b> </b><b> </b> smiling and whistling. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think they really went for that Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A <b> </b><b> </b> Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b> George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the <b> </b><b> </b> Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What is that? Sign language? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Seven. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Seven Costanza? You're serious? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl... <b> </b><b> </b> Susan scoffs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...especially a girl. Or a boy. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you don't like the name? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> It's not a name. It's a number. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all <b> </b><b> </b> Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> It's awful. I hate it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry) Well, that's the name! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to <b> </b><b> </b> be named Seven! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all <b> </b><b> </b> crazy on me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him <b> </b><b> </b> about his contretemps with Susan. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of <b> </b><b> </b> school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually <b> </b><b> </b> seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name <b> </b><b> </b> than Seven. <b> </b> Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? <b> </b><b> </b> Pretty name for a girl. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, you having a good time there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the <b> </b><b> </b> array of good within. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? <b> </b><b> </b> Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. I had this name for a long time. <b> </b> Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I forgot to call Christie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop <b> </b><b> </b> neck. She looked like some kinda superhero. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do <b> </b><b> </b> it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smug) I'm not engaged. <b> </b> George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, I got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Got what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Refrigerator problem, is solved. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I <b> </b><b> </b> want. <b> </b> Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I <b> </b><b> </b> put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the <b> </b><b> </b> bowl) There. Very simple. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sort of a mooching inventory. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em <b> </b><b> </b> all up, and you give me the bill. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George passes by as he goes to the fridge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other <b> </b><b> </b> at our word, all is lost. <b> </b> George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> hears the hiss, and notices George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, <b> </b><b> </b> Fastened to the collar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the <b> </b><b> </b> best in the city. <b> </b> A member of staff approaches. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> May I take your coat, miss? <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Yes, thank you. <b> </b> The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that <b> </b><b> </b> she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monks') <b> </b> Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George <b> </b><b> </b> Fingers his chin thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The same outfit? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The exact same outfit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How many days was it between encounters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Three. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new <b> </b><b> </b> wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got <b> </b><b> </b> clean and she started all over again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at <b> </b><b> </b> the end of the cycle? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe she moved it up in the rotation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very curious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Indeed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't <b> </b><b> </b> Destroy someone else's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about 'Mickey'? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'! <b> </b> George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a <b> </b><b> </b> cigar in his mouth. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the <b> </b><b> </b> fridge? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, that's yours. My half is gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your <b> </b><b> </b> beef? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You cannot buy half a can of soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation <b> </b><b> </b> with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes <b> </b><b> </b> for this, okay... <b> </b> Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought <b> </b><b> </b> the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry hold up a half banana. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...You bite it, you bought it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even <b> </b><b> </b> know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like <b> </b><b> </b> saying, <b> </b> you're hungry enough to eat a horse. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He <b> </b><b> </b> gets it from his butcher. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't <b> </b><b> </b> have the bike. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are <b> </b><b> </b> the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I <b> </b><b> </b> can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine... <b> </b> Kramer holds one hand up above his head. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I always put you up here... <b> </b> Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He <b> </b><b> </b> leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There <b> </b><b> </b> is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, <b> </b><b> </b> expectantly. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grudging) Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (points) Digidi. <b> </b> Kramer leaves and closes the door again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George and Susan are having dinner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody <b> </b><b> </b> else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told <b> </b><b> </b> them the name, they just loved it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what're you saying? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> They're gonna name their baby Seven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, <b> </b><b> </b> I made it up! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can't believe that they're using it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose <b> </b><b> </b> all its cachet! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the <b> </b><b> </b> yin-yang! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself <b> </b><b> </b> from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her <b> </b><b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head <b> </b><b> </b> Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the <b> </b><b> </b> other way gives her a warning. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Watch your step. <b> </b> Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Excuse me. Elaine? <b> </b> Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b> Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head <b> </b><b> </b> and neck. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, <b> </b><b> </b> right? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie? <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Yes. How y'doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (bearing up) I'm fine. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Christie walks away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing <b> </b><b> </b> the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street. <b> </b><b> VOICE 1 </b> Lookin' good. <b> </b><b> VOICE 2 </b> Hey Cosmo, nice wheels. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got that right! <b> </b> A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo. <b> </b><b> KID </b> (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shouting) Kramer! Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Apartment Building) <b> </b> George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apartment. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (angry shout) Kramer! <b> </b> Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's <b> </b><b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey <b> </b> Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Haven't seen him. How's the neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was <b> </b><b> </b> before. <b> </b> Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she <b> </b><b> </b> moves. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a <b> </b><b> </b> knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the <b> </b><b> </b> antique store. What's her name, Christie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You saw her? What was she wearing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of <b> </b><b> </b> my neck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you care? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress. <b> </b><b> </b> There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the <b> </b><b> </b> TV and is heading for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you have a nice ride? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, great ride. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his <b> </b><b> </b> stumbling way upright again. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What're you talking about?! We had a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) <b> </b><b> </b> Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a <b> </b><b> </b> week. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? You never told me that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's common sense. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should <b> </b><b> </b> settle this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but <b> </b><b> </b> unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> involved. What you need is an impartial mediator. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'm down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story <b> </b><b> </b> before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose <b> </b><b> </b> heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of <b> </b><b> </b> any kind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted <b> </b><b> </b> back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an <b> </b><b> </b> Impression of limitless wisdom. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, that's the situation. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly <b> </b><b> </b> has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one <b> </b><b> </b> rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is <b> </b><b> </b> all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages <b> </b><b> </b> who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels <b> </b><b> </b> into mailboxes where they don't belong!!... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! <b> </b> Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no <b> </b><b> </b> Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright, let's begin. <b> </b> Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 'ting' of a microwave. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (excited) Ooh, my cocoa! <b> </b> Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ken and Carrie's Apartment) <b> </b> Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> explaining about Seven. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Why can't we use Seven? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed <b> </b><b> </b> The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't <b> </b><b> </b> waffle! <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. <b> </b><b> </b> It's very unusual. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on <b> </b><b> </b> Soda. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't care for Soda?! <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's <b> </b><b> </b> refreshing! <b> </b> Carrie jumps and gives a cry. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Oh! <b> </b><b> KEN </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I felt something. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Are you okay, honey? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I think I'm going into labour. <b> </b> George flashes a panicked expression. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the <b> </b><b> </b> hospital... <b> </b> Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here. <b> </b><b> </b> Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George trails along behind them, making suggestions. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about Six? <b> </b> Ken gives him a look over his shoulder. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ken has left, George follows out the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George closes the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is <b> </b><b> </b> wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm just a little uh, worn out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> I know exactly what you mean. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sure you do. <b> </b> Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews <b> </b> thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the <b> </b><b> </b> same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like <b> </b><b> </b> Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. <b> </b> Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the <b> </b><b> </b> shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (horrified) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much <b> </b><b> </b> you can do. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go <b> </b><b> </b> back to my apartment, so I can change? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ken and Carrie's Car) <b> </b> Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd <b> </b><b> </b> expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last <b> </b><b> </b> attempt to save his name. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Are we almost there? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Just keep breathing, okay. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (deep breaths) Okay, okay. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow <b> </b><b> </b> Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. <b> </b> As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Now's not the best time, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEN </b> (firm) George! She's in labour! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry shout) So am I! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> arbitration. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the <b> </b><b> </b> one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for <b> </b><b> </b> compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance <b> </b><b> </b> Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. <b> </b><b> </b> Not for any man... <b> </b> Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> as she can while only being able to look upwards. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the <b> </b><b> </b> bike down the middle, and give half to each of you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! <b> </b><b> </b> Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at <b> </b><b> </b> the bike, looking worried. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing <b> </b><b> </b> in half. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another <b> </b><b> </b> than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, y-yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather <b> </b><b> </b> give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still <b> </b><b> </b> hurting me, <b> </b> and now you have the bike?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he <b> </b><b> </b> goes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Christie's Apartment) <b> </b> Christie leads Jerry into her home. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Here we are. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude. <b> </b><b> </b> Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Well, I guess I'll go change. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, change. By all means, change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits <b> </b><b> </b> down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed <b> </b><b> </b> picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and <b> </b><b> </b> White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date <b> </b><b> </b> written on the photo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! <b> </b><b> </b> She never <b> </b> changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these <b> </b><b> </b> dresses. <b> </b> Jerry gets up from his seat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There must be a secret stash around here somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant <b> </b><b> </b> at discovering Jerry invading her privacy. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Ahem! Are you looking for something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you doing? I thought you were changing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to <b> </b><b> </b> bed. <b> </b> Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on <b> </b><b> </b> The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out <b> </b><b> </b> together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll <b> </b><b> </b> of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go <b> </b><b> </b> downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (gesturing) Get out. <b> </b> Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it <b> </b><b> </b> on him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you <b> </b><b> </b> lay it out on the bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital) <b> </b> Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her <b> </b><b> </b> breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also <b> </b><b> </b> hustles along the corridor with the group. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It <b> </b><b> </b> would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (shouts) I'm having a baby!! <b> </b> The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery <b> </b><b> </b> room. Ken turns to face George. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!! <b> </b><b> </b> Ken strides into the delivery room. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (desperate) Please! I have so little! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path. <b> </b><b> ORDERLY </b> Sorry sir, it's family only. <b> </b> The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through <b> </b><b> </b> The window. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin! <b> </b><b> </b> George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as <b> </b><b> </b> He screams. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seven!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the <b> </b><b> </b> kitchen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? <b> </b><b> </b> (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. <b> </b><b> </b> C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can <b> </b><b> </b> bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. <b> </b><b> </b> (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking <b> </b><b> </b> On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little <b> </b><b> </b> Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer takes a look. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (does a double take) Yikes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. Pretty steep. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't have this kind of cash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Few do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm good for it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, until this bill is paid... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...the food court is closed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five <b> </b><b> </b> minutes. And, don't eat any more. <b> </b> Kramer leaves at a run. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, that's my bike! <b> </b> Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn <b> </b><b> </b> for all he's worth. He rings the bell. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Gangway! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is my bike! <b> </b> Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for <b> </b><b> </b> cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make <b> </b><b> </b> some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty <b> </b><b> </b> shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride. <b> </b> Newman begins to ride away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, <b> </b><b> </b> gimme... <b> </b> Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey!! Help me! <b> </b> The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a <b> </b><b> </b> determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (End), <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 7.13 "The Seven" <b> </b><b> EPISODE NUMBER </b><b> 123 </b> <b> </b><b> ORIGINAL AIR DATE </b> February 01, 1996 <b> </b><b> WRITTEN BY </b> Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> DIRECTED BY </b> Andy Ackerman <b> </b><b> GUEST CAST </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken) <b> </b> Shannon Holt (Carrie) <b> </b> Lisa Deanne (Christie) <b> </b> Charles Emmett (Orderly) <b> </b> David Richards (Maitre d') <b> </b> Matthew McCurley (Kid) <b> </b> Josh Abramson (Man #1) <b> </b> Steve Artiaga (Man #2) <b> </b> Cheryl Hunter (Woman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b> Jerry's standup piece. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love it when people are complimented on something they're <b> </b><b> </b> wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, <b> </b><b> </b> thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for <b> </b><b> </b> you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for <b> </b><b> </b> us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come <b> </b><b> </b> Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and <b> </b><b> </b> match the colours up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Antique Toy Store) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (awed) Oh, look at this! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. <b> </b><b> </b> Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that! <b> </b> Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of <b> </b><b> </b> mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest <b> </b><b> </b> and arms. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's <b> </b><b> </b> model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little. <b> </b> Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, <b> </b><b> </b> and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices <b> </b><b> </b> and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's <b> </b><b> </b> voice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think Jerry? Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, be great for your paper route. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> I think your friend needs some help over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off <b> </b><b> </b> the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she <b> </b><b> </b> falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her <b> </b><b> </b> down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings <b> </b><b> </b> the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b> Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is <b> </b><b> </b> Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> A little baby girl? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Doctor says it could be any day now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are <b> </b><b> </b> cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what <b> </b><b> </b> does that make me? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Doesn't make you anything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter. <b> </b><b> </b> George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and <b> </b><b> </b> Carrie look perturbed. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, have you picked out a name yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aww. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (negative) Hu-ho, boy. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> You don't like Kimberley? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ech. What else you got? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> How about Joan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon, I'm eating here. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (warning) George! <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Pamela? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I don't know, it sounds a little strange. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you <b> </b><b> </b> Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEN </b> Yeah, but uh... Soda? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that's right. It's working. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> We'll put it on the list. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I solve problems. That's just what I do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building <b> </b><b> </b> A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced <b> </b><b> </b> meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's demolishing his food stocks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're really going to town with that turkey there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I got a big appetite. <b> </b> Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's on the door. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? <b> </b><b> </b> No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon. <b> </b> Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, 's no good. <b> </b> Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, <b> </b><b> </b> and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's <b> </b><b> </b> taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. That's bush league. <b> </b> Kramer heads toward the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? <b> </b><b> </b> That's like half a pound of turkey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without <b> </b><b> </b> Dijon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your <b> </b><b> </b> favourites on hand. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy <b> </b><b> </b> with our arrangement? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What arrangement? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I <b> </b><b> </b> Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there <b> </b><b> </b> and I will. <b> </b> Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's <b> </b><b> </b> Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What's with your neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. <b> </b><b> </b> (pointedly) By myself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ach, maybe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned <b> </b><b> </b> it... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the <b> </b><b> </b> hell up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike <b> </b><b> </b> to the first person who could make this pain go away. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, you really hurting, huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer, it's just awful. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, lean forward, relax. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (worried) What? What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Encounter shiatsu. <b> </b> Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the <b> </b><b> </b> Healing power of the body's natural pressure points. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah hah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (seriously worried) Wha...? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's a genius. Here we go... <b> </b> Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks <b> </b><b> </b> Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the <b> </b><b> </b> couch, and her feet stamp on the floor. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> From pain, will come pleasure. <b> </b> Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud <b> </b><b> </b> Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and <b> </b><b> </b> steps away, job done. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh? Voila. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's even more amazing is his formal training is in <b> </b><b> </b> paediatrics. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Awright, my work is done here. <b> </b> Kramer heads for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to <b> </b><b> </b> anyone who fixes your neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You really think he wants the bike? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It took him like ten seconds! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b> George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, <b> </b><b> </b> smiling and whistling. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think they really went for that Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A <b> </b><b> </b> Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b> George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the <b> </b><b> </b> Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What is that? Sign language? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Seven. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Seven Costanza? You're serious? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl... <b> </b><b> </b> Susan scoffs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...especially a girl. Or a boy. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you don't like the name? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> It's not a name. It's a number. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all <b> </b><b> </b> Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> It's awful. I hate it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry) Well, that's the name! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to <b> </b><b> </b> be named Seven! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all <b> </b><b> </b> crazy on me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him <b> </b><b> </b> about his contretemps with Susan. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of <b> </b><b> </b> school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually <b> </b><b> </b> seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name <b> </b><b> </b> than Seven. <b> </b> Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? <b> </b><b> </b> Pretty name for a girl. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, you having a good time there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the <b> </b><b> </b> array of good within. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? <b> </b><b> </b> Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. I had this name for a long time. <b> </b> Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I forgot to call Christie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop <b> </b><b> </b> neck. She looked like some kinda superhero. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do <b> </b><b> </b> it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smug) I'm not engaged. <b> </b> George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, I got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Got what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Refrigerator problem, is solved. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I <b> </b><b> </b> want. <b> </b> Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I <b> </b><b> </b> put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the <b> </b><b> </b> bowl) There. Very simple. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sort of a mooching inventory. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em <b> </b><b> </b> all up, and you give me the bill. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George passes by as he goes to the fridge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other <b> </b><b> </b> at our word, all is lost. <b> </b> George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> hears the hiss, and notices George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, <b> </b><b> </b> Fastened to the collar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the <b> </b><b> </b> best in the city. <b> </b> A member of staff approaches. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> May I take your coat, miss? <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Yes, thank you. <b> </b> The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that <b> </b><b> </b> she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monks') <b> </b> Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George <b> </b><b> </b> Fingers his chin thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The same outfit? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The exact same outfit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How many days was it between encounters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Three. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new <b> </b><b> </b> wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got <b> </b><b> </b> clean and she started all over again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at <b> </b><b> </b> the end of the cycle? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe she moved it up in the rotation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very curious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Indeed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't <b> </b><b> </b> Destroy someone else's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about 'Mickey'? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'! <b> </b> George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a <b> </b><b> </b> cigar in his mouth. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the <b> </b><b> </b> fridge? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, that's yours. My half is gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your <b> </b><b> </b> beef? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You cannot buy half a can of soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation <b> </b><b> </b> with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes <b> </b><b> </b> for this, okay... <b> </b> Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought <b> </b><b> </b> the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry hold up a half banana. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...You bite it, you bought it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even <b> </b><b> </b> know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like <b> </b><b> </b> saying, <b> </b> you're hungry enough to eat a horse. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He <b> </b><b> </b> gets it from his butcher. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't <b> </b><b> </b> have the bike. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are <b> </b><b> </b> the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I <b> </b><b> </b> can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine... <b> </b> Kramer holds one hand up above his head. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I always put you up here... <b> </b> Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He <b> </b><b> </b> leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There <b> </b><b> </b> is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, <b> </b><b> </b> expectantly. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grudging) Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (points) Digidi. <b> </b> Kramer leaves and closes the door again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George and Susan are having dinner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody <b> </b><b> </b> else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told <b> </b><b> </b> them the name, they just loved it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what're you saying? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> They're gonna name their baby Seven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, <b> </b><b> </b> I made it up! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I can't believe that they're using it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose <b> </b><b> </b> all its cachet! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the <b> </b><b> </b> yin-yang! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself <b> </b><b> </b> from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her <b> </b><b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head <b> </b><b> </b> Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the <b> </b><b> </b> other way gives her a warning. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Watch your step. <b> </b> Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Excuse me. Elaine? <b> </b> Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b> Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head <b> </b><b> </b> and neck. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, <b> </b><b> </b> right? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie? <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Yes. How y'doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (bearing up) I'm fine. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Christie walks away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing <b> </b><b> </b> the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street. <b> </b><b> VOICE 1 </b> Lookin' good. <b> </b><b> VOICE 2 </b> Hey Cosmo, nice wheels. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got that right! <b> </b> A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo. <b> </b><b> KID </b> (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shouting) Kramer! Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Apartment Building) <b> </b> George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apartment. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (angry shout) Kramer! <b> </b> Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's <b> </b><b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey <b> </b> Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Haven't seen him. How's the neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was <b> </b><b> </b> before. <b> </b> Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she <b> </b><b> </b> moves. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a <b> </b><b> </b> knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the <b> </b><b> </b> antique store. What's her name, Christie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You saw her? What was she wearing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of <b> </b><b> </b> my neck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you care? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress. <b> </b><b> </b> There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the <b> </b><b> </b> TV and is heading for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you have a nice ride? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, great ride. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his <b> </b><b> </b> stumbling way upright again. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What're you talking about?! We had a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) <b> </b><b> </b> Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a <b> </b><b> </b> week. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? You never told me that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's common sense. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should <b> </b><b> </b> settle this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but <b> </b><b> </b> unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> involved. What you need is an impartial mediator. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'm down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story <b> </b><b> </b> before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose <b> </b><b> </b> heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of <b> </b><b> </b> any kind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted <b> </b><b> </b> back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an <b> </b><b> </b> Impression of limitless wisdom. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, that's the situation. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly <b> </b><b> </b> has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one <b> </b><b> </b> rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is <b> </b><b> </b> all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages <b> </b><b> </b> who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels <b> </b><b> </b> into mailboxes where they don't belong!!... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! <b> </b> Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no <b> </b><b> </b> Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright, let's begin. <b> </b> Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 'ting' of a microwave. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (excited) Ooh, my cocoa! <b> </b> Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ken and Carrie's Apartment) <b> </b> Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> explaining about Seven. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Why can't we use Seven? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed <b> </b><b> </b> The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't <b> </b><b> </b> waffle! <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. <b> </b><b> </b> It's very unusual. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on <b> </b><b> </b> Soda. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't care for Soda?! <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's <b> </b><b> </b> refreshing! <b> </b> Carrie jumps and gives a cry. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Oh! <b> </b><b> KEN </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I felt something. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Are you okay, honey? <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> I think I'm going into labour. <b> </b> George flashes a panicked expression. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the <b> </b><b> </b> hospital... <b> </b> Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here. <b> </b><b> </b> Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George trails along behind them, making suggestions. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about Six? <b> </b> Ken gives him a look over his shoulder. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ken has left, George follows out the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George closes the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is <b> </b><b> </b> wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm just a little uh, worn out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> I know exactly what you mean. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sure you do. <b> </b> Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews <b> </b> thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the <b> </b><b> </b> same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like <b> </b><b> </b> Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. <b> </b> Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the <b> </b><b> </b> shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (horrified) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much <b> </b><b> </b> you can do. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go <b> </b><b> </b> back to my apartment, so I can change? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ken and Carrie's Car) <b> </b> Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd <b> </b><b> </b> expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last <b> </b><b> </b> attempt to save his name. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Are we almost there? <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Just keep breathing, okay. <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (deep breaths) Okay, okay. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow <b> </b><b> </b> Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. <b> </b> As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Now's not the best time, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEN </b> (firm) George! She's in labour! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry shout) So am I! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> arbitration. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the <b> </b><b> </b> one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for <b> </b><b> </b> compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance <b> </b><b> </b> Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. <b> </b><b> </b> Not for any man... <b> </b> Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> as she can while only being able to look upwards. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the <b> </b><b> </b> bike down the middle, and give half to each of you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! <b> </b><b> </b> Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at <b> </b><b> </b> the bike, looking worried. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing <b> </b><b> </b> in half. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another <b> </b><b> </b> than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, y-yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather <b> </b><b> </b> give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still <b> </b><b> </b> hurting me, <b> </b> and now you have the bike?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he <b> </b><b> </b> goes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Christie's Apartment) <b> </b> Christie leads Jerry into her home. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Here we are. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude. <b> </b><b> </b> Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Well, I guess I'll go change. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, change. By all means, change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits <b> </b><b> </b> down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed <b> </b><b> </b> picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and <b> </b><b> </b> White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date <b> </b><b> </b> written on the photo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! <b> </b><b> </b> She never <b> </b> changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these <b> </b><b> </b> dresses. <b> </b> Jerry gets up from his seat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There must be a secret stash around here somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant <b> </b><b> </b> at discovering Jerry invading her privacy. <b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> Ahem! Are you looking for something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you doing? I thought you were changing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to <b> </b><b> </b> bed. <b> </b> Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on <b> </b><b> </b> The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out <b> </b><b> </b> together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll <b> </b><b> </b> of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go <b> </b><b> </b> downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHRISTIE </b> (gesturing) Get out. <b> </b> Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it <b> </b><b> </b> on him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you <b> </b><b> </b> lay it out on the bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital) <b> </b> Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her <b> </b><b> </b> breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also <b> </b><b> </b> hustles along the corridor with the group. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It <b> </b><b> </b> would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> (shouts) I'm having a baby!! <b> </b> The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery <b> </b><b> </b> room. Ken turns to face George. <b> </b><b> KEN </b> George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!! <b> </b><b> </b> Ken strides into the delivery room. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (desperate) Please! I have so little! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path. <b> </b><b> ORDERLY </b> Sorry sir, it's family only. <b> </b> The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through <b> </b><b> </b> The window. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin! <b> </b><b> </b> George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as <b> </b><b> </b> He screams. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seven!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the <b> </b><b> </b> kitchen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? <b> </b><b> </b> (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. <b> </b><b> </b> C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can <b> </b><b> </b> bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. <b> </b><b> </b> (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little <b> </b><b> </b> Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer takes a look. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (does a double take) Yikes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. Pretty steep. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't have this kind of cash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Few do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm good for it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, until this bill is paid... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...the food court is closed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves at a run. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, that's my bike! <b> </b> Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn <b> </b><b> </b> for all he's worth. He rings the bell. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Gangway! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is my bike! <b> </b> Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tires, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman begins to ride away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme... <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey!! Help me! <b> </b> The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Seven Script

1996-02-08

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CADILLAC PART 1 </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner has he put his bags down than Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! You're back! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm back, baby. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, how was it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great. One of the best jobs I ever had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I killed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You killed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging up jacket) not only that, the money was unbelievable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Unbelievable. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How much? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, c'mon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah. It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect the friendship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I tell you how much I make. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And I'm always impressed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just show me the cheque, c'mon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright, fine. You wanna see it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I wanna see it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b> Jerry gets out his wallet, extracts a cheque from within it and hands it to Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here, check that out. <b> </b> Kramer reads the cheque, and a look of astonishment comes to his face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you. <b> </b> Kramer has to sit on the couch, he's so shocked. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My god, you're rich. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (taking back the check) Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't know you made that kinda money. (subdued) Jeez. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never shoulda told you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship. I mean, I <b> </b> feel it. Do you feel it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I can't feel anything. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what're you gonna do with all that money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to <b> </b> charity. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pleased) Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (deadpan) No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you should, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of buying my father a new <b> </b> car. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, you see, that's nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe a Cadillac. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow his mind. He's always wanted <b> </b> one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) I'm gonna <b> </b> do it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this <b> </b> one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, isn't that what it's all about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Jerry smile in agreement. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Elaine sits in a booth, across from her friend Katy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who was Pippi Longstocking? <b> </b><b> KATY </b> Pippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm, I don't don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did she have anything to do with Hitler? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATY </b> Hitler? (thinks) Maybe. <b> </b> George enters and walks over to the booth. He's looking impatient. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have you seen Jerry? (sitting beside Elaine) I told him two o'clock. <b> </b><b> </b> George twists round, so he can watch the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (indicating) You remember Katy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy) Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. <b> </b> We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATY </b> Also ear, nose and throat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nose. (chuckles) What's the worst that can happen to a nose? What <b> </b> does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles) <b> </b><b> KATY </b> (amused) He's funny. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, you don't have to tell me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you know what? He got engaged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATY </b> Oh, you did? (disappointed) Oh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Is that bad? <b> </b><b> KATY </b> I actually would've set you up with a friend of mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh-ho, yeah? <b> </b><b> KATY </b> You'd be perfect for her. She loves quirky, funny guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (curious) Bald? Uh? <b> </b><b> KATY </b> Loves bald. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Loves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who is she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATY </b> Marisa Tomei. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (taken aback) The actress? <b> </b><b> KATY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're friends with Marisa Tomei? <b> </b><b> KATY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (getting excited) That's, that's incredible. My Cousin Vinnie, I <b> </b> love her, she was fantastic! <b> </b><b> KATY </b> Yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (more excitement) You were gonna fix me up with her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATY </b> Yeah, she's just been sitting home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't <b> </b> you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was thinking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is talking on the phone as George enters and hangs up his coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want this baby fully loaded. (listens) Well, how soon can you get <b> </b> it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, bye. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry hangs up and turns to George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, guess what. I just bought my father a Cadillac <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? Wow, you're quite the good son. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying down there and surprising him. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry walks to the kitchen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You gonna sleep on the fold-out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (joyless) Yeah, yes. <b> </b> Jerry opens the fridge door and gets out a piece of pie on a plate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, let me ask you something. You uh, you ever hear of Marisa Tomei? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The actress? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She happens to be very good friends with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Marisa Tomei? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh-hmm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How does she know Marisa Tomei? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, I didn't ask. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not the point! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can I finish? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, is all I'm saying. I <b> </b> would've asked her. <b> </b> Jerry opens the freezer compartment and gets out a tub of ice cream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright! So, she said, that she could've fixed me up with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What d'you mean, could've? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohh! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her type! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b> Jerry puts a scoop of ice cream on the pie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being <b> </b> anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa <b> </b> Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, she won an academy award? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? (excitement) My Cousin <b> </b> Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar <b> </b> winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if <b> </b> fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? Same thing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now there's a match. You and Katherine Hepburn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, you've seen her, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shout) Marisa Tomei! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's just my type. The dark hair, <b> </b> the full lips. <b> </b> George wanders to the couch, Jerry following with his plate of pie and ice <b> </b> cream. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You like full lips. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I love full lips. Something you can really put the lipstick on. <b> </b><b> </b> The two sit on the couch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged. <b> </b> Jerry takes a mouthful of pie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> There is a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (about the pie) This is no good. <b> </b> Jerry puts down the plate, gets up and opens the door, to reveal a guy in a <b> </b> Plaza Cable cap. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother <b> </b> you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting about uh, <b> </b> heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> If you see him, Could you just tell him the cable company was here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> Thanks. <b> </b> The guy leaves. Jerry closes the door and returns to the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (about the cable guy) Nice people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry sits beside George again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, lemme ask you a question. What if I got a cup of coffee with <b> </b> her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what about Susan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?! I'm not <b> </b> allowed to have coffee?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you tell Susan about it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (frustrated) Not necessarily. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if you can't tell Susan about it, then there's something wrong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouts) Of course there's something wrong! (points at Jerry) We had <b> </b> a pact! <b> </b> Jerry heads for the fridge, just as Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, cable guy's looking for you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they just <b> </b> found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept <b> </b> waiting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't seem too bothered by it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You remember what they did to me ten years ago? "Oh, we'll be there <b> </b> in the morning between nine and one", or "We'll be there between two and <b> </b> six"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without so much as a <b> </b> phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my nice <b> </b> clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks <b> </b> like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I've never seen you like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> George sits on his couch, watching My Cousin Vinnie on video. Onscreen, <b> </b> Marisa Tomei, is in court, explaining transmission systems. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARISA </b> ...positrack, which was not available on the sixty-four Buick <b> </b> Skylark. <b> </b> Susan enters <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you watching? What is that? My <b> </b> Cousin Vinnie? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Susan stands behind George as she speaks. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I thought you saw that before. How come you're watching that again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I..I..I dunno. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Did you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for that? Boy, she's <b> </b> beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that. <b> </b> George daren't say anything, but from his expression it's clear he wishes <b> </b> Susan looked like that. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Turn it off. You're making me jealous. I'm gonna think you like her <b> </b> more than you like me. <b> </b> Susan leaves to the bedroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (forcing a laugh) Hu, ha. <b> </b> When Susan has gone, George picks up the phone and dials, keeping an eye <b> </b> open in case Susan returns. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment/Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whispering) Elaine, it's me, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper as she speaks to George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George. How come you're whispering? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (still quiet) Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. <b> </b> Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (still quiet) Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking <b> </b> about me and, you know... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (still quiet) The actress. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouts) Marisa Tomei! <b> </b> Susan hears from the bedroom. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing. Nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, uhm, I think I'd like to do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? (shocked) What?! George, no way. You're engaged! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A cup of coffee. That, that doesn't mean anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh. No George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Forget it! <b> </b> Elaine hangs up her phone in disgust. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine! (shouts) ELAINE!! <b> </b> Susan walks back in on George at this point. George quickly slips the phone <b> </b> under a cushion to conceal it, and goes back to watching My Cousin Vinnie, <b> </b> to provide an excuse for his raised voice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> D'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this guy! <b> </b><b> </b> Susan looks at him oddly. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is packing some gear into a bag, while Elaine watches and Kramer peers <b> </b> out into the hall through Jerry's peephole. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe you're buying your father a car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And, best of all, it's a Cadillac. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac! (impressed) Wow. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine seems to become a lot more interested in Jerry. She moves over to the <b> </b> table where Jerry's packing, and turns the 'flirt' knob to the 'on' <b> </b> position. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had no idea you had this kind of money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I thought you were doing okay. I just didn't think you were in <b> </b> this kind of, you know, uh... position. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, it's just money. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (smiling) So, when're you getting back from Florida? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. (big smile) Just, things seem a little more exciting <b> </b> when you're around. That's all. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you okay? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (squeaky) Sure, sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was that? <b> </b> Kramer sees something through the peephole. He motions Jerry and Elaine to <b> </b> quieten down. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Quiet, quiet. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment/Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Nick, the cable guy is standing by Kramer's door. George wanders up to <b> </b> Jerry's door and, as he gets there, is addressed. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> Hey, uh, you know the guy who lives here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> George moves to open Jerry's door, but the cable guy is still talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NICK </b> (quietly angry) All morning I been waiting here. All morning. <b> </b><b> </b> Peering through the peephole, Kramer makes a noise of excited satisfaction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NICK </b> (still angry) The guy says he's gonna be home. I show up and all I do <b> </b> is wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna put up with <b> </b> it much longer. <b> </b> The cable guy stalks away. Inside Jerry's, Kramer turns to speak to Jerry <b> </b> and Elaine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm loving this. <b> </b> Kramer lowers his eye to the peephole again, just as George opens the door. <b> </b> The door cracks Kramer on the forehead with a thump. George enters. Kramer <b> </b> peers round George to check the cable guy's gone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, there's a guy out here that... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. <b> </b> Kramer exits and crosses the hall to his apartment. George closes the door <b> </b> behind himself, and takes off his coat. He notices Elaine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very much for yesterday, by the <b> </b> way. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, he want me to fix him up with Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be <b> </b> a part of this! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee! A cup of coffee is not a fix <b> </b> up! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You wanna meet her. You wanna see if she likes you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (defensive) So what? So what if I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shrill) You're engaged! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine. <b> </b> An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I coulda been <b> </b> with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky, <b> </b> balding funny men! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I notice you threw 'stocky' in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, what the hell?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George! It's cheating. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (adamant) It's not cheating if there's no sex! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes it is! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (frustrated) Ahh! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking for support) Jerry! <b> </b> Jerry is standing by the kitchen counter. He has a stack of bank notes and <b> </b> is counting them. Elaine is mesmerised by the sight of all that currency. <b> </b> She stands by the counter, her eyes locked onto the money. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I <b> </b> didn't hear what you said. <b> </b> Elaine looks almost dizzy at the prospect of all that cash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you just make the call? (indicates <b> </b> the phone) Please, make the call. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll make... <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine picks up the phone and dials a number. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (triumph) Alright. <b> </b> Jerry resumes his counting, but has lost track of where he was up to. He <b> </b> stands, holding one bill, trying to recall. Elaine has obviously been paying <b> </b> more attention, even as she dialled the phone. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eight-fifty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right. <b> </b> Elaine waits for the phone to be picked up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So uh, how are you getting to the airport? D'you need a ride, or... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, don't be silly, I've arranged a car. <b> </b><b> </b> As Jerry goes to leave the kitchen, Elaine is sure to keep in his path, <b> </b> smiling flirtatiously. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I'll let you pick me up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (big smile) Okay. <b> </b> Jerry is finally allowed out of the kitchen by Elaine, and heads for the <b> </b> bedroom. The phone is picked up at the other end of Elaine's line. As Elaine <b> </b> speaks, George stands beside her, doing a little selection of dances. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens) Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens) <b> </b> Oh, really? <b> </b> Something about the tone of her voice causes George to cease dancing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, could you tell her Elaine called? Yeah, thanks. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine turns to an expectant George. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh, she's in the hospital. (concerned) She has an arrhythmia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Morty is eating a cookie at the kitchen table. Helen comes over and grabs <b> </b> the box he's eating from. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty, what d'you have to open this box for? (waving at another box) <b> </b> There's already a box of cookies open. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I wanted a Chip Ahoy. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I don't like all these open boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Helen puts both boxes of cookies away in a cupboard. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having <b> </b> it. <b> </b> The door opens and Jerry enters, carrying his bags. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Surprise! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (shout) Jerry! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (shock) Oh, my god! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What the hell are you doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a good son. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Just like that? No calls? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just like that. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Boy, you are really something. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> To what do we owe this great honour? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna know? Come on outside. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Outside? What's going on? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Whenever Jerry comes, something exciting happens. <b> </b><b> </b> Helen darts out of the door eagerly. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (laughs) Heh hah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, c'mon. <b> </b> Morty follows Helen outside. <b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Standing at the kerb is a brand new, silver, Cadillac, gleaming in the <b> </b> Floridian sunshine. Jerry leads Morty and Helen over to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what d'you think? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Look at this! Look at this! (excited) You bought a Cadillac?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I bought it for you. It's yours. <b> </b> Morty and Helen both look astonished. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You what? You bought me a Cadillac? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over the keys) Here you go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to Helen) You don't want it? Are you kidding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He's not buying us a Cadillac. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What are you, nuts? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It's a very nice gesture Jerry, but take it back. <b> </b><b> </b> Helen wrests the keys from Morty's grasp and hands them back to Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to Jerry) Can you believe this?! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got that kind of <b> </b> money. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How d'you know? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, get out of here Mister Big Shot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why can't I buy my father a car? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Your father doesn't need a car. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yes, I do! <b> </b> Morty grabs the keys back from Jerry. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, Morty. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We're keeping it. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Over my dead body. <b> </b> Helen makes another grab for the keys, and she and Morty struggle for <b> </b> possession, watched by Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (under his breath) Well, this worked out just as I had hoped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer sits on his couch reading a newspaper. Beside him, on a table, are <b> </b> his phone and an answering machine. The phone rings, but Kramer doesn't <b> </b> answer, instead allowing the machine to pick up. <b> </b><b> MACHINE </b> Giddyup. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> Yeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza Cable. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer smiles on hearing the voice. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> Well, I waited all morning again. You said you were gonna be <b> </b> there from nine to one. <b> </b> Kramer puts down his paper and stretches out on the couch to listen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NICK </b> I was there. Where were you? You think I got nothing better to <b> </b> do than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer waves his fist, mocking the cable guy's anger. He laughs to himself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NICK </b> You're not gonna get away with this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Morty is sitting in the Cadillac, with Jerry leaning on the door. They're <b> </b> going through the features of the car. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody <b> </b> moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes <b> </b> right back to where I like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what I was thinking. <b> </b> Jack Klompus approaches the car. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (pointing) Hello, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hiya, Jack. <b> </b> Morty gets out of the car, shuts the door and leans against it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (indicating) So, how d'you like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Who's car? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> It's mine. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Yours? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's right. My son bought it for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> He what? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> My son bought me the car. It's a present. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> (disbelief) You bought it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right. I bought it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You ever see one so nice? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Some car. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You wanna take a ride? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> No, thank you. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> C'mon, take a ride. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I don't wanna take a ride. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He doesn't wanna take a ride. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (worked up) What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? <b> </b> Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (skeptical) Thousands?! <b> </b><b> JACK </b> What? D'you think you're such a big shot now, because you got a <b> </b> Cadillac? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (dismissive) Ahh! <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (dismissive) Yaah! <b> </b> Jack angrily stalks away. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Could you believe that guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aahh! <b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital Room) <b> </b> George sits, talking enthusiastically to someone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, I was thinking about what you said. About uh, me and Marisa. <b> </b><b> </b> The person he's talking to is Katy, who's unconscious, wearing an oxygen <b> </b> mask and has an intravenous drip in her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, about the uh, two of us getting together. And I know that <b> </b> I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really just something <b> </b> you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, engaged, it's, <b> </b> it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching uh, My Cousin <b> </b> Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that uh, <b> </b> you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles) So, <b> </b> what d'you, what d'you think? <b> </b> Katy is still unconscious. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes. Can you move a pinkie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is reading a magazine on the couch. The phone rings and he answers <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Y'hello. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> (inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi, uh ah, Mister Kramer, ah, <b> </b> this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about some <b> </b> trouble on your line. <b> </b> Kramer smiles, as he recognises the voice. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NICK </b> Uh, the thing is, we happen to have a man right in your <b> </b> neighbourhood. <b> </b> Kramer walks over to his window, and uses his fingers to open a couple of <b> </b> blades on his blinds. Peering through, he can see a public phone box across <b> </b> the street. Parked beside the box is a truck emblazoned with the Plaza Cable <b> </b> insignia, and in the box is the familiar figure of Nick, the cable guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (playing along) Ohh, is that right? Well, I have been having a <b> </b> little trouble with my call-waiting. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> We can fix that. We can fix that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (sitting back on the couch) Oh, can you? That's funny, because, as <b> </b> it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone company <b> </b> would know that. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> Oh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong <b> </b> work order. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Could you hold on for a second? I've got something on the <b> </b> stove. <b> </b> Kramer puts the phone down beside a radio and switches it on. It plays <b> </b> cheesy music into the phone. Kramer gets up and heads out the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Nick, the cable guy, stands in the phone box. He's listening to the cheesy <b> </b> music on the phone, and getting impatient. He glances at his watch. <b> </b> Suddenly, a car horn blares and a shout is heard. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, McNab! <b> </b> THe cable guy turns, to see Kramer leaning out of the window of a cab as it <b> </b> passes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't you stop by? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer waves and smiles happily at the dumbstruck cable guy, as the cab <b> </b> accelerates away. <b> </b><b> </b> (Tenant's Committee, Florida) <b> </b> Around a table sit a number of residents, including an unhappy looking Jack <b> </b> Klompus. Morty is standing behind a lectern addressing the gathering. He <b> </b> bangs a gavel to get their attention. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Alright. Next thing on the agenda, the restoration of the fence at <b> </b> the Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting bids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HERB </b> C'mon Morty, it's been broken for six months already. What the hell <b> </b> are you doing? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, I, as your president, have to find the best price, and right <b> </b> now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (half to himself) I'll bet you don't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> C'mon Morty, the jig is up! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What're you talking about? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole meeting, holding my tongue. <b> </b> I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any longer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HERB </b> What's going on, Jack? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I'll tell you what's going on. Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds <b> </b> from the treasury. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Stealing?! <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> What proof do you have? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Proof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand new Cadillac. <b> </b> Now what more proof do you want? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> My son bought me that car! <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Your son? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Your son could never afford that car. We all saw his act, last year, <b> </b> at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent! <b> </b><b> HERB </b> Jack's right! He stinks! <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> It's his material. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I tell you, he bought it for me! <b> </b><b> HERB </b> (bangs table with his fist) I move for a full investigation! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> I second. <b> </b> Morty looks dumbstruck. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> George sits on the couch, watching Only You on the video. Onscreen, the <b> </b> ever-lovely Marisa is delivering her lines. <b> </b><b> MARISA </b> ...go introduce myself. <b> </b> Susan enters, with a bag of groceries. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey! What're you watching? (looks at TV) Only You? That's another <b> </b> Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly) What, d'you <b> </b> have a thing for her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (laughing it off and trying too hard) Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for <b> </b> Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. <b> </b> (forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar <b> </b> winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not <b> </b> like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with <b> </b> Marisa Tomei? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b> Susan wanders away into the kitchen with the groceries, looking bemused by <b> </b> George. George watches her go, staring at the kitchen door as he slips off <b> </b> into a daydream. <b> </b><b> </b> (George Dream Sequence) <b> </b> George stares at the kitchen door, which glows with golden light. Then <b> </b> Marisa Tomei slinks out of the kitchen in a long black dress, and her hair <b> </b> up. She comes and sits beside George on the couch, looking at him lovingly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARISA </b> Have I told you how much I love you today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not in the last fifteen minutes. <b> </b><b> MARISA </b> Well, I do love you very much. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I love you, Marisa. <b> </b><b> MARISA </b> Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the <b> </b> premiere. <b> </b> George leans across and takes Marisa in his arms. They kiss and slowly <b> </b> recline onto the couch. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> Susan returns from the kitchen, to find George kissing, and slowly reclining <b> </b> onto the couch with, a cushion. George runs a hand across his head, in the <b> </b> fashion of a loving Marisa's caress. Then he raises his head from the <b> </b> cushion to see Susan observing him. She turns and goes back into the <b> </b> kitchen, wordlessly. George puts the cushion on the arm of the couch and <b> </b> lies down. <b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Jerry sits on the couch and Helen is in the kitchen, as an anxious Morty <b> </b> delivers his news. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Impeachment? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's right. Have you ever heard of anything like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Can they do that? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> If they get the votes. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid for <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> It doesn't make a difference. They think we're in cahoots. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> No-one's ever been impeached before. I couldn't live here. We'd have to move to Boca. <b> </b><b> </b> There's a knock at the door, and then it is opened and Evelyn walks in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi Evelyn. <b> </b> Morty sits by the table. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Hello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds) I just got off the phone with Saul Brandus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What'd he say? <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> He's voting to impeach. <b> </b> Morty thumps the table with his fist. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Not because he think you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I did so thank him! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (admonishing) No, he never heard you. (prods Morty's back) I told you he didn't hear you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ah, he's deaf anyway. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Now, my sources tell me, there's three votes for impeachment, three votes against impeachment, and one undecided. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Mrs Choate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's she? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh, that one. She's been a member of the board longer than anybody. She's very tough to deal with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Maybe we should have her over for coffee, and explain our side of it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's a good idea. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Okay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (surprise) The Lichtenberg's? <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Yes, they're having a party. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We weren't invited. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Oh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because of the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry puts his face in his hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Cadillac Part 1 Script

1996-02-08

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CADILLAC PART 2 </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Jerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out. He twists and turns, but can't find a comfortable position. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle of the bed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry continues to thrash about in discomfort. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b> On the other end of the line is Elaine, in bed back in New York. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (flirtatious) Hi Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? Wh..what's going on? <b> </b> Elaine rests on one elbow, playing with her hair as she chats playfully with Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (a little confused) You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gives a slightly overdone girly giggle-laugh at Jerry's comment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's just two hours by plane... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gee, I dunno what to tell you. <b> </b> There is a beep from Elaine's phone. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang on, don't hang up Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine hits a button on her phone to take the other call. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? <b> </b> The other call is George. He sits on his couch in his dressing gown. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got to get me Marisa Tomei's phone number! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (impatient) Okay, George, I am on the other line. I promise you, I'll get you her number. <b> </b><b> </b> George punches the air in triumph, and sits back on the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeahhh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Goodbye. <b> </b> Elaine hits the button on her phone again, to reconnect with Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (smiling and flirty) Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, what d'you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (disappointed) Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll be back on Monday. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I can meet you at the gate, Jer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is moving to put down the phone when Elaine speaks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (urgent) Jerry? Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (putting the phone back to his ear) Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (breathy) Bye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye. <b> </b> Jerry puts down the phone, still a little bemused by Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> The phone rings and Kramer picks up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello. <b> </b> Somewhere outside, a guy in overalls and a safety helmet is on the phone. He's <b> </b> writing on a clipboard as he speaks to Kramer. <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> Hello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran, from Con Ed. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer gets a smile on his face, thinking it's another of the cable guy's <b> </b> tricks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it? <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> Yeah. We've had some reports of power surges in your building. It <b> </b> seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged some of the <b> </b> wires. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you don't say. <b> </b> Kramer walks to his window as he listens. <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> (a little confused by Kramer) Yeah. Either way, we need to get into your <b> </b><b> </b> apartment and do a safety check. <b> </b> Kramer opens his blinds slightly, as he did before. But there is no cable guy in <b> </b> the phone box across the street, only a woman talking on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are really good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOHN </b> (confused) What're you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer hits a button to end the call, and puts the phone back on the table. <b> </b> John, the power guy, stares at his phone in disbelief. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Elaine sits in a booth. George enters, looking unnaturally happy, and comes <b> </b> over. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa Tomei! (sitting opposite Elaine) <b> </b> And I wasn't even that nervous. <b> </b> Elaine watches George, as he rambles on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I can't remember the last time I called a woman without being <b> </b><b> </b> nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking at her watch) Okay, well that's all the time we have for today. <b> </b> Why don't we pick up with this next week? <b> </b> Elaine rises. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, where you going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got stuff to do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? You can't leave yet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We have to discuss my alibi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alibi? What does that have to do with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I usually spend Saturday afternoons with Susan. She's gonna want to know <b> </b><b> </b> what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, so you wanna say you were with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You were with me. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine sets off to leave, but is stopped by George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second, wait. Why are we together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is the difference? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because, if you ever see her and it comes up, we have to be in sync. <b> </b> Hmm? <b> </b> Reluctantly, Elaine sits back down with a sigh, as George furrows his brow in <b> </b> concentration. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points) you? <b> </b><b> </b> George and Elaine both think hard for a moment. Then Elaine gets a flash of <b> </b> inspiration. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm afraid, and I want you to <b> </b><b> </b> go with me. <b> </b> Elaine smiles and makes a 'voila' gesture. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (dismissive) It's no good. <b> </b> Elaine looks offended. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointedly) Okay. Fine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't like the way you just rejected my suggestion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive here. This is a give and take <b> </b> process. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought that my suggestion was good. And, I think you could've been a <b> </b> little more tactful. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (explaining, with lots of hand gestures) Okay, look. We've never worked <b> </b> together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain way of <b> </b> working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I work. It's <b> </b> not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with the best <b> </b> possible lie. That's what this is all about. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (weary) Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine, fine, fine. <b> </b> The twosome go back to thinking for a while. This time George gets the <b> </b> inspiration. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. How about this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pleased with himself) You are having problems with your boyfriend and I <b> </b><b> </b> am meeting you to discuss the situation. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't have a boyfriend. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (still pleased) She doesn't know that. We say that you do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (not convinced) Ech. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's good. Believe me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought my idea was just as good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The dentist thing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, the dentist thing was not good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, alright. What's his name? Who is he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's your boyfriend. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What does he do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's an importer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just imports? No exports? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter. Okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What is the problem we're discussing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (thoughtful) Yes. Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sighs) Yi-yi-yi. <b> </b> Elaine and George go into another bout of deep thought. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures) How 'bout this? How about, he's <b> </b> thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on the importing. And <b> </b> this is causing a problem, because, why not do both? <b> </b> Elaine finishes with an expectant smile. George looks skeptical, and Elaine <b> </b> seems offended again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (irked) Oh, what? You don't like that suggestion either? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's very complicated. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (definitely irritated) You know, it seems to me that it's all you, and <b> </b><b> </b> none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know it all and I am <b> </b> Miss Stupid. Right? <b> </b> George avoids Elaine's gaze, looking down. <b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Helen is in the kitchen, putting cookies on a plate, as a restless Morty fusses <b> </b> around. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What're you doing? Are you making coffee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, maybe you better make a pot of tea, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty, you're driving me crazy. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Look, I don't want anything to go wrong. If this woman votes to impeach <b> </b> me, I'll be a laughing stock. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to pay the consequences. <b> </b><b> </b> The doorbell chimes. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> There she is. <b> </b> Morty and Helen both go to the door. Morty opens it and Mrs Choate enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello. Hello, Mrs Choate. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, come in, come in. May I take your coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> No, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's taking my coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Ah, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Coffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with lemon, if you have it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'll see. (indicating the couch) Have a seat. That's a lovely scarf <b> </b> you're wearing. Where did you get it? <b> </b> Helen goes to the kitchen as Mrs Choate sits on the couch. <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Ahh, they're a dime a dozen. <b> </b> Jerry enters. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating) this is my son, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Mrs Choate turns to look at Jerry. Jerry looks astonished as he recognises Mrs <b> </b> Choate. He remembers an incident from "The Rye". <b> </b><b> </b> (New York Street, "The Rye") <b> </b> Jerry grapples with Mrs Choate, for possession of a bag. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gimme that rye! <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry wrests the bag from the old lady's grip. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shut up, you old bag! <b> </b> Jerry races away down the street with the rye. <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> (shouting after him) Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my rye! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Jerry manages to regain a normal expression. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives in New York. You just came from <b> </b> New York, didn't you? <b> </b> Jerry looks desperate. The last thing he needs is Mrs Choate connecting him with <b> </b> New York. <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and I'll never go back. The crime <b> </b> there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble rye, right on the <b> </b> street? <b> </b> Jerry gives a look of sympathy. Helen brings a couple of saucers and cups from <b> </b> the kitchen, placing them on the table before Mrs Choate. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They stole a rye? Why would they steal a <b> </b><b> </b> rye? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's what the city's turning into. They'll steal anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> They're like savages. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, there's some sickos out there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> (peering at Jerry) You look very familiar. Have we ever met? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ever go to Camp Tiyoga? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Maybe you've seen him on television. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry's a comedian. <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Naw, I don't watch TV. <b> </b> Jerry has moved rapidly to the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (opening the door) Well, it was nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry, don't go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I think I'll go. <b> </b> Jerry darts out and shuts the door behind him. <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> So, Morty, what's this all about? What d'you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> Susan sits on the couch, reading. She spots George, in his coat, heading for the <b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey, where're you going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go meet Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Elaine? What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. She..She's having some problems with this guy she's <b> </b> seeing. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I didn't even know she was dating anyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So what does he do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's an importer-exporter. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What kind of problems are they having? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (not happy delivering Elaine's lie) Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit <b> </b><b> </b> the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, because <b> </b> she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing. <b> </b> Susan looks unconvinced. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Are you having an affair with Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon! I'm having an affair with <b> </b> Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm going to <b> </b> see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, <b> </b> and then I would go see Ela..Elaine. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Huh? <b> </b> George gives a smile and slides out the door. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Kramer strolls along the street, carrying a big bag of groceries. He becomes <b> </b> aware that a vehicle is slowly driving along the road just behind him. Kramer <b> </b> shifts his load of groceries, so that a shiny baking tray is in a position he <b> </b> can use it as a mirror. Behind him, he can see the blurry image of a Plaza Cable <b> </b> truck. Kramer begins to walk faster, then breaks into a run. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Another Street) <b> </b> Kramer slows from his run, and looks behind himself. A smile comes to his face, <b> </b> as he sees the truck is no longer there. He allows himself a little shrug of <b> </b> satisfaction at having beaten the cable guy. Kramer turns and begins to walk on, <b> </b> with his groceries, when there is a screech of tyres and the cable truck comes <b> </b> to a halt in front of him - having taken another route to head him off. <b> </b><b> </b> The cable guy gives a 'come here' gesture with his forefinger through the truck <b> </b> window. Kramer turns and sets off running. He runs into a litter bin, drops his <b> </b> groceries and falls to the floor. The cable guy climbs from his truck and begins <b> </b> to advance on Kramer. Kramer picks himself up and, abandoning his groceries, <b> </b> sets off running again, with the cable guy in pursuit. <b> </b><b> </b> (Variety of New York locations) <b> </b> Kramer runs across a busy thoroughfare, followed, seconds later, by the cable <b> </b> guy. <b> </b> Kramer hauls himself over a wall in a park, looks around, and then sets off <b> </b> running. Moments later, the cable guy struggles over the same wall and sets off <b> </b> after Kramer. <b> </b> Kramer runs across an expanse of grass in the park, with the cable guy just a <b> </b> few yards behind. <b> </b> Kramer runs across a New York rooftop. He comes to the edge of the roof and <b> </b> looks for a way across to the next building. Kramer looks worriedly behind him, <b> </b> for the pursuing cable guy, then down into the gap between buildings. Despite <b> </b> his worry at the height, he steps back a few paces, takes a run-up, and leaps <b> </b> across to land on the roof of the next building. Kramer picks himself up and <b> </b> sets off running again. Behind him, the cable guy comes to the same gap, looks <b> </b> down at how far he has to fall, and thinks better of attempting the leap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NICK </b> (yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll get you! I'll get you Kramer! You <b> </b><b> </b> won't get away with this! <b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Morty is fastening a jacket as he enters. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Alright, are you ready to eat? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's go. Jerry, let's go, it's time <b> </b> to eat. We're going to dinner. <b> </b> Jerry wanders into the room. He's in a t-shirt and sweatpants, and holding a <b> </b> comic book he's been reading. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (confused) Dinner? W..What time is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand why we have to eat now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between four-thirty and six. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for <b> </b> four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're not buying us dinner. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a <b> </b> coupla bucks, I'll tell you that! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Alright, (sitting on the couch) we'll wait. (pointedly) But it's unheard <b> </b><b> </b> of. <b> </b> Jerry shakes his head, incredulous, and wanders away with his comic book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Park) <b> </b> George sits on a bench with Marisa Tomei. He's mid-speech, and Marisa's looking <b> </b> interested, smiling and laughing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...So, anyway, if you think about it, manure is not really that bad a <b> </b> word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it, which is <b> </b> also good. Ma-newer , right? <b> </b><b> MARISA </b> (laughing) You're so right. I never thought of it like that. Manure. <b> </b> 'Ma' and the 'newer'. <b> </b> Marisa laughs and George is smiling happily. <b> </b><b> MARISA </b> Did you just make that up? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you think I'm doing material here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARISA </b> (laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe anyone could be so spontaneously <b> </b> funny. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (modest) And I'm a little tired. <b> </b> Marisa laughs again, then speaks, still smiling, but more seriously. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARISA </b> So, tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald, and so quirky and <b> </b> funny, how is it you're not taken? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm sort of engaged. <b> </b><b> </b> Marisa's face falls in disappointment. <b> </b><b> MARISA </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm, you know, engaged. <b> </b> Marisa's expression turns to anger. She swings a fist and punches George in the <b> </b> face, then grabs her bag and storms away. George feels the painful spot where he <b> </b> received the blow. <b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Scott's, Florida) <b> </b> A few people stand around outside. The Seinfeld's Cadillac drives up to the <b> </b> front of the restaurant. There's a gap in the parked cars, right by the <b> </b> entrance. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey look, there's a spot right in front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Always, Jerry. Always. <b> </b> The Cadillac pulls into the space. From the entrance of Scott's emerge Jack and <b> </b> Doris Klompus, Jack using a toothpick <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> Was that delicious or what? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Where you gonna get a better meal than that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DORIS </b> Better than Danny's. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Danny's? (scoffs) C'mon! <b> </b> The Seinfelds walk toward the entrance, where they meet the Klompus duo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello Jack. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Doris. <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> Hello, hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jack. <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> Hello, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Doris. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Hello Morty. (looking at watch) Well, missed the early bird. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (pointed) Must be nice to have that kind of money. <b> </b><b> </b> Jack calls over to one of the people outside the restaurant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock. (pointed) Your suddenly <b> </b> well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office. Tomorrow, they <b> </b> kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your Cadillac. <b> </b><b> </b> Morty is looking confident, even smug. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> They're not kicking me out. You don't have the votes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> That's what you think. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We'll see. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Yes, we will. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Awright, let's eat already. <b> </b> The Seinfelds enter Scott's, and Jack and Doris walk past the Cadillac. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine answers a knock at the door, to find a slightly anxious looking Susan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Susan. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Susan walks in, and crosses to the couch. Elaine closes the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask you a question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, sure. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (dead serious) Are you having an affair with George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter) Ha ha ha. Ha, no. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine has to sit on the arm of a chair, she's laughing so hard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) I mean, why would anyone <b> </b> wanna sleep... <b> </b> Elaine realises who she's speaking to, and the laughter dies away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) Ap..ap, Chu... Why would <b> </b> you think I was having an affair with George? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ohh, because he said that he had to talk with you earlier about some <b> </b> problem that you were having. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah, I did have to talk with him. I <b> </b> definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Art Vandelay? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, Art Vandelay. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel like an idiot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu. It's okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, just forget that we ever talked. Okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It is so forgotten. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Alright. <b> </b> Susan moves toward the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Susan has the door open, when a thought occurs to her. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, was George helpful at all? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he was very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm, <b> </b><b> </b> because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing about his <b> </b> business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (not convinced) Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George felt that I was too adamant in <b> </b> my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to <b> </b> give up the exporting. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What'd I say? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> The importing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (caught out) I did. Uh... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, what does he uh, import? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (extemporising) Uh... chips. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh. What kinda chips? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Potato. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (embroidering) Some corn. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> And what does he export? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Diapers. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, it's okay. <b> </b> Susan and Elaine both use fake laughs, as Susan leaves and closes the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b> The moment the door closes behind Susan, Elaine races to her phone and dials a <b> </b> number hurriedly. She stands, listening to the ring, desperate for a response. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to herself) C'mon, George, pick up. Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> Susan stands sifting through some magazines, when the door opens and George <b> </b> enters. He's still feeling his face where Marisa punched him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi. (pointedly) So, George, what does Art Vandelay import? <b> </b><b> </b> George looks surprised by the question, and thinks for a moment before replying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Matches? Long matches. <b> </b> Susan raises her arm, and delivers the second punch that George has received <b> </b> today. George is thrown backwards out of the door by the blow, and Susan slams <b> </b> the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Tenant's Committee, Florida) <b> </b> Around the table are the board of phase two. Morty and Jack sit beside each <b> </b> other. Herb is chairing the meeting, and several other representatives are <b> </b> present, some chatting with each other. Herb spots Mrs Choate coming in through <b> </b> the door. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> ...There she is. Okay, if I can have your attention for a minute here. <b> </b><b> </b> We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two, to consider a <b> </b> motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mrs Choate sits beside Morty. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Nervous, Jack? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> What for? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Because I have the votes. <b> </b> Morty turns to Mrs Choate. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Nice to see you, Mrs Choate. <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Hello, Morty. <b> </b> Jack looks surprised at the friendliness between Morty and Mrs Choate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HERB </b> Building A. Are you for, or against, the motion to impeach? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> HERB </b> It means, if you're for the motion, you're against Morty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> So why don't you say that? <b> </b><b> HERB </b> Hey, I'm running the meeting. <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> If you think so. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> Building A? <b> </b><b> BUILDING A </b> For impeachment. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> Building B? <b> </b><b> BUILDING B </b> Against impeachment. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> Building C? <b> </b><b> BUILDING C </b> For impeachment. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> Building D? <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Against impeachment. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (a whisper to Morty) I can't believe you got that old bag. <b> </b><b> </b> Mrs Choate overhears Jack's comment, and it stirs a memory. She thinks back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (New York Street, "The Rye") <b> </b> Jerry and Mrs Choate struggle for possession of a bag containing a marble rye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> Help! Someone help! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shut up, you old bag! <b> </b> Jerry wrests the bag from Mrs Choate and takes off down the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> (after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief! <b> </b><b> </b> (Tenant's Committee, Florida) <b> </b> Mrs Choate wears a look of shocked realisation. She stands and addresses Morty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> It's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your son. Now I know where I saw <b> </b> him. He stole my marble rye. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> My son never stole anything. He's a good boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> They should lock him up. <b> </b><b> MRS. CHOATE </b> (pointing at Morty) Like father, like son. (thumps table) I change <b> </b> my vote. I vote to impeach! <b> </b><b> BUILDING B </b> Me too. I change my vote. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> All those in favour, say aye. <b> </b><b> ALL </b> Aye. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> All opposed. <b> </b> Morty forlornly raises his hand. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> The ayes have it. The motion passes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jack smiles a big smug smile of triumph, aimed at Morty. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> Morty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed as condo president. As <b> </b> vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two constitution, is <b> </b> hereby installed as president. <b> </b> Jack stands to acknowledge the honour. <b> </b><b> HERB </b> Hear, hear, Jack. <b> </b> Jack raises a hand in salute, as the rest of the board applaud him. A <b> </b> disgruntled Morty remains silent. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> A weary looking Nick, the cable guy, leans against Kramer's door. He knocks and <b> </b> there's no response. <b> </b><b> NICK </b> (weary) Alright, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. You win, <b> </b> okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me? Apology? <b> </b> Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now how we <b> </b> made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why we do it. (upset) I <b> </b> guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. (reasonable) Well, <b> </b> that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no more 'one to <b> </b> five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven <b> </b> o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why. (worked <b> </b> up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost sobbing) <b> </b> Anyway, that's it. <b> </b> The cable guy sighs, and begins to walk away. Kramer's door opens, and Kramer <b> </b> emerges. He and Nick look at each other apologetically for a few seconds. Then <b> </b> Kramer steps forward and they hug. <b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> Morty comes in from the bedroom, looking around at his home. Helen holds his <b> </b> coat as he slips into it. She adjusts his collar and hands him a blue hat. Jerry <b> </b> enters through the front door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The bags are in the car, I guess we better go. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry leads the way, followed by Helen, who folds a coat over her arm. Morty <b> </b> waits a second or two, having a final look round the room. He stands by the <b> </b> door, then steels himself. Giving a determined nod, he exits, closing the door <b> </b> behind him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida) <b> </b> The Seinfelds walk, three abreast, toward the Cadillac. As they walk, they pass the other residents, who have come to see them off. They nod acknowledgement. As they get to the car, Helen and Jerry get in, but Morty stands in the open door of the Cadillac, turns to the assembled throng and gives a big smile, and arms-wide gesture (like Nixon leaving the White House), before climbing into the car. The residents wave back, one or two of them in tears, and Morty slowly drives the Cadillac away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Cadillac Part 2 Script

1996-02-15

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SHOWER HEAD </b> Written by Peter Mehlman &amp; Marjorie Gross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine in a doctor's office) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I'll need a urine sample. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George, Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, sure. My parents will be there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Tonight Show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you doing new material? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think so. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have they <b> </b><b> </b> changed your shower head? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Low flow? Well I don't like the sound of that. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer exits. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what are your parents doing here in new York? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment, my father <b> </b><b> </b> left office in disgrace. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what are their plans? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, this is the problem. They're moving into this new development. <b> </b><b> </b> Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready to go back so <b> </b><b> </b> they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You mean the three of them in that tiny apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact, he moved <b> </b><b> </b> in with her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uncle Leo's having regular sex? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gotta be there at 4:30. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> But it comes on 11:30. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How long they been doing this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 30 years. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that is odd, isn't it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it is. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, they're retired. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No economic reason for them to be here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They have no friends. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No social reason for them to be here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're all grown up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, they're all through ruining my life. What the hell are they <b> </b><b> </b> still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so I'll, uh, get back <b> </b><b> </b> to you. <b> </b> George exits with the Del Boca Vista pamphlet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, maybe get an ice tray? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I can do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know Dad just called me. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, all right, well I got some people here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, bye. (to Elaine): You see this? Any thought pops into their <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> head they're calling me because it's a local call now. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ahh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus I got <b> </b><b> </b> the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They have no idea when they're going back to Florida? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has <b> </b><b> </b> to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How's that gonna happen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> It's about time you called your uncle. We've got to do this once a <b> </b><b> </b> week. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Once a week? So how's Lydia? <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Ah, she's a real tiger. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know how you do it. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> none of my business. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Look at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, it happens. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I bet that cook is an anti-Semite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He has no idea who you are. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your <b> </b><b> </b> hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon <b> </b><b> </b> Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked <b> </b><b> </b> in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, <b> </b><b> </b> you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you <b> </b><b> </b> I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor <b> </b><b> </b> pad and put out a sign; Open for business. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Believe me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect in every way, <b> </b><b> </b> I can't see a flaw. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, keep looking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Mr. Peterman at work. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be <b> </b><b> </b> accompanying me to Africa. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Why not? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Opium? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ihat's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz <b> </b><b> </b> must have made a mistake. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to <b> </b><b> </b> accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I <b> </b><b> </b> don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right <b> </b><b> </b> now, I'll take a pop urine test. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> All right, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks a glass of water) I'll be ready <b> </b><b> </b> in three minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and his parents at their home in Queens. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters, huh. <b> </b><b> </b> Bitter cold, bitter. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What extremities? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Eh? Seventy-nine. <b> </b><b> </b> That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy in Florida is <b> </b><b> </b> eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So George, why are you here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? (Drops pamphlet on coffee <b> </b><b> </b> table) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What's this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's where the Seinfeld's are moving. They got a great deal. Yep. <b> </b><b> </b> You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games, you clean <b> </b><b> </b> up. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I don't bet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I don't swim. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the <b> </b><b> </b> sidewalks. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Are you trying to get rid of us? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. Care. I care about your <b> </b><b> </b> comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine, back in the doctor's office. The doctor is consulting a chart and <b> </b><b> </b> shaking his head no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No? <b> </b> The doctor hands Elaine the chart, she looks at it in astonishment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair' is flat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry? Jerry! <b> </b> Jerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha, you too? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the <b> </b><b> </b> shampoo out of my hair. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me either. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and <b> </b><b> </b> ineffectual. I'm not Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to <b> </b><b> </b> shower in the dressing room. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I gotta find another shower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Hallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's door. Newman <b> </b><b> </b> answers, with flat hair. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They got you too? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer backs away then runs down the hall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's office, Kramer rushes in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Elaine. Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, you look terrible. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's wrong with your shower? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's no water pressure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you just go see Jerry? <b> </b> Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's open office <b> </b><b> </b> door and pauses. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know <b> </b><b> </b> who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs <b> </b><b> </b> crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the collar) I won't <b> </b><b> </b> have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else! <b> </b><b> </b> (Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr Peterman! What are you doing? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, you're out of control. You need help. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of <b> </b><b> </b> opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian <b> </b><b> </b> horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing <b> </b><b> </b> traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a <b> </b><b> </b> taste," he said. That was all it took. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to <b> </b><b> </b> anything. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> desk. You're fired. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's dressing room at NBC. Jerry and his parents are there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> All they serve is chicken? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's more food down the hall. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Wrap it up, we'll take it home. <b> </b> George walks in with his parents. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hello Seinfelds. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could do this. I'm so nervous for <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, I'm drunk. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey, how was Florida? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, we just bought a new place down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I know, we were looking at the brochure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why, you thinking of moving? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Not really. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available in that <b> </b><b> </b> development. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca <b> </b><b> </b> Vista? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's right. They went like hotcakes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How'd you get yours? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Got lucky. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps <b> </b><b> </b> conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little <b> </b><b> </b> personal space. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Monk's coffee shop, Elaine is at the counter eating a muffin and talking with a <b> </b><b> </b> waitress. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How could I have tested positive twice? Once I could understand, <b> </b><b> </b> that's a mistake. But twice? <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Yeah, it's hard to figure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the <b> </b><b> </b> bushmen of the Kalahari. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Ah, the bushmen? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And the bushwomen. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Well, you know what opium is made from... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Poppies! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. <b> </b><b> JAY </b> Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw <b> </b><b> </b> some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're <b> </b><b> </b> crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other <b> </b><b> </b> day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on <b> </b><b> </b> anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an <b> </b><b> </b> anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get <b> </b><b> </b> a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her* of being an <b> </b><b> </b> anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into his apartment. <b> </b><b> </b> You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida... What? <b> </b><b> </b> What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry. <b> </b> Kramer walks in wearing a bathrobe, his hair is still flat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida, isn't <b> </b><b> </b> that great? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No good? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. <b> </b><b> </b> All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you used to sit in that hot tub? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Chicken? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I was testing <b> </b><b> </b> positive for opium. Poppy seeds! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poppy seeds! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate to Elaine) Want some chicken? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll <b> </b><b> </b> get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa. <b> </b> There's a knock at the door, Jerry answers it, it's Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little problem. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine, would you excuse us? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh c'mon, Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. (Opens <b> </b><b> </b> door) If you don't mind? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! <b> </b><b> </b> (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. <b> </b><b> </b> From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower <b> </b><b> </b> heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the <b> </b><b> </b> Serbs are fanatic about their showers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not from the footage I've seen. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market Diner, an <b> </b><b> </b> unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. Are you in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm down. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Jerry? <b> </b> Jerry nods reluctantly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Frank and Estelle's house. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So, Georgie, we have some big news for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Big news? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> We're moving to Florida. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's wonderful! I'm <b> </b><b> </b> so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this <b> </b><b> </b> cold weather for? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del <b> </b><b> </b> Boca Vista! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're moving there for spite! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, every chance I get. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Ohhh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George busts into Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My parents are moving to Florida! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you kidding? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm <b> </b><b> </b> free!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are they moving to? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Del Boca Vista! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We could visit together! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Every five years! <b> </b> They 'high five' each other. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's incredible! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, I know and you know *why* they're moving there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> To spite your parents! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To spite my parents? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your parents are crazy! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My parents are moving back too! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Beautiful! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Helen and Morty, packing up in Uncle Leo's apartment. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm not ready to go back to Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He was getting along so well with that woman, what happened? <b> </b><b> </b> Morty shrugs, the phone rings, Morty answers. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> This is Frank Costanza. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What do you want? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock <b> </b><b> </b> and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. <b> </b><b> </b> We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out! <b> </b><b> </b> Frank hangs up, Morty hangs up. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, Jerry and George are toasting their good fortune. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. <b> </b><b> </b> Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self <b> </b><b> </b> confidence than you ever dreamed of. <b> </b> The phone rings, Jerry answers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello, Jerry? It's your father. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi dad. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Listen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? <b> </b><b> </b> Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna <b> </b><b> </b> move in here? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But it's a big complex. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEOPRGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went <b> </b><b> </b> from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to live, baby. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Monk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Move back with Lydia? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're <b> </b><b> </b> disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from <b> </b><b> </b> your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your <b> </b><b> </b> presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like <b> </b><b> </b> grim death. Which is not far off, by the way. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> But she's an anti-Semite. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you blame her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Helen and Morty are unpacking in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You don't think he minds us staying here, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Why would he mind? We're his parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine walks in picking her teeth, she didn't expect to see Jerry's parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. Jerry's not here? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. (pause) Oh my god. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> going to the doctor's in a half an hour. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's a long story. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you gonna do in there? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What am I gonna do in the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You gotta do me a favor. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Elaine, I really-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You want my urine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I need a clean urine sample from a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, what am I gonna do it in? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, one of those glasses. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry's glasses? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom. <b> </b><b> </b> Helen, Oh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, a coffee cup's fine. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Or maybe a juice glass. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> This one is kind of scratched. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It doesn't matter. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Howbout A milk glass. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry doesn't wash these very well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer, Newman and a 'salesman' are at the back of a van in an alley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> All right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series, Hydra <b> </b><b> </b> Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you recommend? <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> What are you looking for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Power, man. Power. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Like Silkwood. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's for radiation. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, what is this? <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> That's the Commando 450, I don't sell that one. What about thi- <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well that's what we want, the Commando <b> 450. </b><b> </b><b> </b> Salesman, Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For elephants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands a wad of money to Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b> What about Jerry? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He couldn't handle that, he's delicate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Helen and Morty are unpacking in Uncle Leo's apartment. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's place was too small. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on? <b> </b><b> </b> There's a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> SUPER </b> It's the super. We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the <b> </b><b> </b> bathrooms. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Low flow? I don't like the sound of that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Peterman, in his office, on the telephone. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I'm afraid I can't take you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Why not? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. you <b> </b><b> </b> have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I wanted to see the bushmen. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is seeing his parents off as the cab driver loads their bags. They have <b> </b> flat hair. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's been a great visit. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to <b> </b><b> </b> Florida is take a shower. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided not to move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They couldn't bear being away from George. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> George must be happy about that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have no idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's parents' house, George is sitting on the couch between Frank and Estelle, he's obviously disappointed. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Take my swim trunks. I won't need them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What does he want with your swim trunks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Why should they go to waste?!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer, in the shower, he's got the Commando 450 shower head hooked up. He turns it on, the water shoots out full blast and knocks him backwards. He grabs the shower curtain for support and tries to reach forward to turn the faucet off, but the force of the water is too great, he only succeeds in knocking over a few shampoo bottles. Kramer is eventually pushed back enough by the water to become entangled in the shower curtain until he eventually falls out of the shower, and out of camera range. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Shower Head Script

1996-02-22

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE DOLL </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> (Jerry is just now getting done with his act) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed woman runs up and hugs him - taking Jerry by surprise) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> (Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver! (Sees Jerry's expression - he still has no clue who she is) Susan Ross' roommate from college.. hello! (Laughs slightly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for the free tickets. You are so funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Modest) Oh, thanks. <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> (Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're very funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Blunt) I believe you. <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. I am taking you (Points to him) out to dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I can't - I'm going straight to the airport. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought we'd really get along - I guess because we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You know what, um.. (Turns around, picking up a large gift from a table) You have to give this to them for me. Okay? Here. (Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles under the size of it) It's a wedding present. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh? <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? Be very careful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> </b> (The Coffee shop) <b> </b> (George and his father, Frank, are sitting at a booth) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> George, as you may be aware, your mother and I are not moving to Del Boca Vista, Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> So, I was wondering, would it be okay if I turned your room into a billiard parlor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A billiard parlor? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even a bar.. Give it real authenticity.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters. George spots her in mid-sentence) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, that's.. Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi, Frank. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sliding over to make room for her) Sit down. Join us, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Trying to come up with an excuse not to sit with them) Actually, I gotta get to the.. uh.. thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled. Sit down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs) So.. (Trying to think up something to talk about) Frank, did George ever show you that photo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Confused) What photo? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front of the sign that said "Costanza"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany? (Elaine nods) Did he look like me? Did you talk to him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't talk to anyone - I was just walking by, and I saw the sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I gotta get that picture - it could be my cousin, Carlo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who is that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Muttering out, not really wanting to talk about his family) When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I played with him every day until the age of four - and then we separated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, you weren't born here? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No. That's why I can never be president.. It always irked me. That's why, even at an early age, I had no interest in politics. I refuse to vote. (Yelling out) They don't want me, I don't want them! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know what you're getting all riled up about. There are probably a million Costanzas- <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Cutting him off) Don't bring me down. (To Elaine) Do you have another copy of that photo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro might. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> The Maestro? What Maestro? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Explaining) Because he hasn't called me since we got back.. I spilled wine on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite Italian opera stars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know the Three Tenors? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti.. Domingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Nodding) The other guy. <b> </b><b> </b> (Airplane) <b> </b> (Jerry's flying to NY. On his lap is Sally's present and his personal bag. He's trying to read a magazine while a stewardess approaches him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEWARDESS </b> (Overly nice) Could I take that box for you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed to be careful with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEWARDESS </b> Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag in the over-head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, okay.. <b> </b> (The stewardess takes the bag, and crams it into the over-head compartment. The sound of glass breaking can be heard) <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEWARDESS </b> There we go. <b> </b> (Jerry gives a face of pure dissatisfaction) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Kramer enters while Jerry's unpacking. The clothes in his suitcase are covered in bar-b-que sauce) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohh.. look at this.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because of this (Gestures to Sally's present) stupid thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still salvage some sauce.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle, and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Taking some of Jerry's clothing over to the kitchen) I see.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and this was going to be my bit on the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why don't you do your material? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Looking up, sighs) Well, you better get to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip. <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, buddies. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate, Sally. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally called Susan - said you guys really hit it off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit anything off. She just gave me the box. (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you? (Eats the bread) <b> </b><b> </b> (George is still opening the gift - flinging Styrofoam peanuts all over the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Moving out into the living room) Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's act) "What is this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make it so small..?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Confused) Where's the punchline? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous face - mocking Jerry's) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GOERGE </b> (Taking out a mat from the huge box) Well, this is certainly a crappy gift.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.. She's a big executive for Federal Express. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just ship it?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up, reading) "The Costanzas" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. Forget it. I don't want it. Let's just get rid of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, maybe your father would be interested in that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I doubt it. You know what he's doing now? He's putting a pool table in my old bedroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll go out there and knock a few balls around with him. You know, show him a thing or two.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's old bedroom) <b> </b> (The room is remodeled into a billiard room. The pool table is obviously way too big for the room. Frank and Kramer are chalking up their sticks) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, what's your game? What do you like to play? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Eight ball. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me, play a game of straight pool.. hmm? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You like to gamble, Cosmo? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, now and then - you know how it is.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Five dollars a game, huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll break. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Okay. <b> </b> (Kramer goes to pull back his pool stick, but it is stopped short by the wall. Scene cuts to a montage with multiple scenes involving humorous accounts of their trying to play in such a tiny room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Susan's apartment) <b> </b> (Susan has boxes in the living room, and is setting up some of her items around the apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's all this? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, I'm just moving in some more of my stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Muttering to himself as he walks to the bedroom) More stuff.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George walks into his room, and stops in his tracks. Up on the shelves, is a doll that looks exactly like George's mother) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God! What is that?! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Rushing in) What? What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing) looks like my mother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> George, it's a doll. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know it's a doll, but it looks like my mother! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Going back to the living room) Oh, get outta here.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's old bedroom) <b> </b> (Kramer, holding the pool stick at an awkward angle, is about to hit the ball when Estelle enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What's going on in here? (Kramer hits the cue ball, it jumps up from the table and flies off screen) Are you two still playing?! You've been up here three hours! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> We still haven't finished the first game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> The first game?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Explaining why they are doing so bad) Well, we're still, uh, learning the subtleties of the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He could have the picture.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle leaves, slamming the door) We're gonna go see him, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Judging up his next move) As soon as the game is over.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Sensing the game is going to last a long time) Oh boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on his stick, accidentally crashing it into the window) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Susan's bedroom) <b> </b> (George and Susan are in bed. They go to kiss, but George stops when he sees the doll laying right next to Susan) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is this thing doing here? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, I used to love to sleep with my dolls when I was a little girl.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Susan leans in to kiss, but George stops her again) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this.. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I feel like I'm in bed with my mother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, stop it. <b> </b> (They kiss. While kissing, George tightly stuffs the doll under Susan's pillow -- out of sight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry enters the living room from his bathroom with his toothbrush. Elaine is reading the paper at his table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this new electric toothbrush I just got - the Ori-dent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Just making conversation) Oh yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you use it you feel like you just came from the dentist! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the Charles Grodin show? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who else is on the show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh.. one of the three tenors. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands up) Which one?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Extremely excited) The other guy?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Nodding) Yeah, the other guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Screams out in joy) My God! I can't believe the other guy's going to be on the show! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George enters. He's in a disheveled state) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you look awful. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, bro. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Problem in the bedroom? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother.. she likes to sleep with it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine makes a face) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's freakin' me out man. And now I got to go back out there and pick up this doormat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you didn't want the doormat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't. Susan wants to have it out when Sally comes tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a minute - She's coming to New York? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be excited. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew she was coming here and she made me carry that box?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's Sally? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Susan's college roommate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (While opening a cereal box) I will - don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's sounds pretty juvenile. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Maestro's Office) <b> </b> (Kramer and Frank are in a meeting with the Maestro) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> His name was Carlo Costanza. We played together everyday until I was four. If I could just look through your photographs, maybe I could recognize him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Unfortunately those photographs are at home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe we could interest you in a game of pool.. Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own billiard room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh, it's.. uh, uh.. What do you call it, Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A billiard room. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards.. it was.. Come on, already. Come on.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Confused) What? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> We call it.. the, uh.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Snaps) The Place To Be! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> The place to be! Yes! It's the place to be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> (Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall be there. And now, Gentlemen, (Making dramatic actions) if you will excuse me - I must prepare for the symphony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah? <b> </b> (The Maestro gets up. Realizing that he isn't wearing pants, Kramer and Frank stare in bewilderment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> (Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants. (Begins putting on a near-by pair of pants) It's an old conductor's trick I learned from Leonard Bernstein. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really? <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> You keep a perfect crease by not sitting in them before the performance. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Frank are obviously impressed) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's good thinking. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (George, presenting the doll to Jerry, has his arms out in a 'tada' gesture. Jerry has on a disgusted face) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see?.. You see?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it doesn't look exactly like her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly what she's gonna look like in ten years! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you just get rid of it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tried! I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't do it. The guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the doll, opening the door to leave) Susan's so attached to this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home. <b> </b><b> </b> (George shoots him a look, then leaves. He is audible as he meets up with Elaine in the hallway) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, Elaine. <b> </b> (Elaine shrieks out in fright, then enters Jerry's doorway - breathless) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you see that?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine exhales deeply - getting over the scare of the doll. She moves into the apartment) What's that? (Pointing to a rolled up poster Elaine is carrying) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it) Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> (Through the intercom) It's Sally. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> A whole case. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) So, did you buy that electric toothbrush I was telling you about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Blunt, to the point) No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How come? I told you - It's fantastic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eh, I like mine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've had yours, I'm telling you - this one is ten times better. Don't you believe me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't want it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Slightly confused by her behavior) I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's better? And it's not a little better - it's much better. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Not committing to the conversation) It doesn't matter to me. <b> </b><b> </b> (A knock on the door) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come in. <b> </b> (Sally enters with a medium-sized box) <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> (Peppy) Well, here I am! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) Pretty uncomfortable? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> (Setting the box down on his table) Actually, the seat next to me was empty, so, there was no problem at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that I asked for! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. "The Pride of Memphis!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other sauce as (Whispering) kind of a joke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the jar down angrily) Nothing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> You could just do your material. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Peeved) I don't have any material! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Yelling out) He's got nothin'! <b> </b><b> </b> (The Coffee Shop) <b> </b> (George is sitting at the table - opposite the doll. While he eats his meal, he can hear his mother yelling at him via the doll) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOLL </b> Georgie! Don't eat with your hands! (George starts eating faster) Why do you eat so fast?! You can't even taste it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (People from near-by tables turn and look at him) <b> </b><b> DOLL </b> You're wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already! Why don't you get a new shirt?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Trying to keep it down) Because I like this one! (Notices people staring at him, he quickly gets up, collecting the his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon, let's go. Let's go! (On his way out, he stops in front of a woman blocking his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about the doll, he sheepishly walks out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should really be in a sanitarium. (Ruthie nods, agreeing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's old bedroom) <b> </b> (The Maestro, Kramer, and Frank are all pant-less and playing pool while listening to classical music. Frank is looking at the Maestro's pictures with a magnifying glass) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, and yet, my pants remain perfectly creased. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on. Are you sure? <b> </b> (They all crowd around the picture) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'd know him anywhere. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric fellow. Reputation of being kind of a village idiot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I still say we're related. <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> (Recognizing the currently playing song) Ohh, I love this piece. (Turns it up, then pantomimes that he is conducting the instruments) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Complaining) I can't make anything.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Like a professional) Well, that's because you don't know how to follow through correctly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Follow through? What do you mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right here, come on, I'll show you.. (Gets behind Frank, holding the pool stick with him) Take hold of your stick.. alright, bring it back slowly.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle walks in with a tray of beverages and popcorn. Kramer and Frank continue the lesson in their underwear as she stares in disbelief) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's a little unnatural, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, my God! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Still ticked off) That woman is such an idiot! I was gonna do this whole bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing to talk about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, have you ever considered writing new material? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all the time I'd be able to get some work done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking about me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really freaky, wasn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, you know what? Maybe I could talk about that on the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Show the doll - show the picture of George's mother.. it's pretty funny. (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna call them. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to George's apartment. Sally answers the ringing phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Susan? It's Jerry. <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Hi Jerry, it's Sally! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Disappointed) Oh. Is George there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> No, but he should be home soon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, listen, this is important. Tell him to meet me at the TV studio with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Is this for your comedy routine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Obviously resents talking to her) Yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> (Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective) I'm on the case. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry makes a face of doubt as he hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b> (George's old bedroom) <b> </b> (The same pool game is going on. The Maestro is putting his pants on) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> (Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get some air. (Slowly leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His stick jams into the window as he draws back) See? This is no good.. (Looks around the room. His sights fall on the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton. (Chalks it up) I got a hunch, fat man, I can't miss. (Measures up his shot) 13 in the side pocket. (Does just that) Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other side of the board, judging his next move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in) This table's mine. (A series of Kramer's plays are displayed, and, on the last ball of the game..) You know where it's going.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Charles Grodin Show dressing room) <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE AND JERRY </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is George here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting in one of the room's chairs. Whispers) The other guy. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine gasps. Smiling, she walks over to him) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh, I'm such a huge fan of yours. Would you mind signing this poster for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRERAS </b> My pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine unravels her poster) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (As he is signing) Oh, thank you so much. (He finishes. Elaine gives out a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. (Tries to read his signature) Camaro. (Carreras gives her a look as he is getting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off as Elaine rolls the picture back up. Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face) Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna take this to the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking around) Well, that's one hell of a gig. (Turning around, he picks up a box labeled "Ori-dent") Hey, look, I got something for you. The Ori-dent! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts the gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come in such a big box? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, you know, needs lots of packaging. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Still trying to get a grasp on the package) How am I supposed to carry this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry taking his pants off) What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I want to sit down. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. It keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds his pants over the head of a chair, then sits down in another. When he sees Elaine's staring at him, he makes a "Tada!" gesture with his hands. Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say "I'll see ya.", and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's old bedroom) <b> </b> (The game is over) <b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> (Making his exit, he lays the charm on Mrs. Costanza) Madame, you have been an extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses her hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles to herself as the Maestro leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Holding up a picture) Here, take a look at this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Looking at it) Yeah, what is it? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's Carlo. I found him! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Handing the picture back) You've been cooped up in this room too long. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Yelling out) You never support me! Let's see what George says about this.. Where're my pants? (Takes his pair off a rack and leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Taking his pair off, he inspects them) Aw, beautiful! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Charles Grodin Show dressing room) <b> </b> (Sally walks in with a bag. Jerry's sitting without any pants on) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls out an extremely different doll - this one resembles a baker) Tada! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking about - not funny! This doll's much funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie, and a cute little hat.. I think it's a riot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Slow whispering) This is a nightmare. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the doll down, then crosses her fingers) Don't screw up. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (View shifts over to Carreras. While eating some BBQ food he reaches back for a towel to wipe his face. He happens upon Jerry's pants) Too much sauce.. (Wipes his mouth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My pants! <b> </b> (A stagehand enters) <b> </b><b> STAGEHAND </b> Mr. Seinfeld, you're on. <b> </b><b> </b> (NYC street) <b> </b> (Elaine's walking down with the poster and the box. A man exiting an ice cream parlor almost runs into her. Scene cuts to her on the subway. The man standing next to her is bumped, and his beverage spills all over Elaine. Luckily, she held the poster up before it could be damaged. Scene cuts to the Maestro's office) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Elaine? What a surprise. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know you're very busy, but I just wanted to come by and give you this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Ohh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent - that electric toothbrush I've heard so much about.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds out the poster) this. <b> </b><b> </b> (The Maestro takes the poster, dramatically rolling the rubber band off. He unravels the poster on his desk) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Ohh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed poster of my favorite tenor, with.. those two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this is magnifico! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what happened in Tuscany.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STAGEHAND </b> (Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAESTRO </b> Oh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert? We'll celebrate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box, she knocks over a bottle of wine. It spills all over the poster) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to the Maestro's concert. Various players are practicing as he walks out. A round of applause sounds as the Maestro bows. Picking up his bent baton, he addresses the orchestra. As he starts to instruct the band, he stops when he finds out his baton is bent out of shape. He turns and looks at the audience apologetically as the music fades to a stop) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Susan's apartment) <b> </b> (Susan's holding her doll defensively) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I want to know why you took my doll out of the house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just wanted a second opinion. <b> </b> (There's a knock at the door. George sighs, then answers it - it's Frank) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Holding up the picture) Take a look at this. Doesn't that look like my flesh and blood? Of course, your mother- (His attention is drawn over to Susan's doll. Like George did earlier, he starts to imagine that the doll is scolding him as his wife would) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOLL </b> Oh, stop bothering everybody with that picture. It's ridiculous! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?! I'll show you ridiculous! (Struggles with Susan for possession of the doll) Come here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Frank manages to get the doll from Susan. He twists the head clean off the body) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Holding out the head in his hand, he addresses it) There! Now what have you got to say for yourself?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Susan) I told you it looked like her.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A street in Tuscany) <b> </b> (Frank meets up with a man sweeping the sidewalk - the man he believes to be his cousin) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo! It's me, Frank! (Attempts to hug the guy, but he resists - pushing Frank away. He scolds Frank in another language) I'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Carlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Realizing) What do you know.. Alright. (Picking up his present) I guess I was wrong. (Walks off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Doll Script

1996-03-07

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FRIARS CLUB </b> Written by David Mandel <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The other thing I love is when you're in the middle of a dream, and the alarm goes off. You incorporate the sound of the alarm into the dream, so you can keep sleeping. And you'll make any adjustment in the dream to do it. I was with Marie Antoinette in a dream last night, and she was on the guillotine, the blade came down, her head fell into the basket, it rolled over and she started singing Neil Diamond's 'Solitary Man'. And, I thought, "That is not my alarm going off. This is actually happening." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street, New York) <b> </b> An elated George leaps around the corner, kicking a cab's door closed and <b> </b> clapping his hands together. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (joyful) June. It's June. <b> </b> George begins trotting down the street. He acknowledges a passerby and <b> </b> high-fives him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (high-fiving) Hey! <b> </b> George continues his joyful path along the sidewalk, with his hands raised <b> </b> above his head in celebration. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's June. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George takes the hand of a female passerby and dances a few steps with her, <b> </b> twirling her round. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> June, June, June. <b> </b> Releasing the woman, George euphorically prances along, laughing and smiling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June, June. <b> </b><b> </b> George leaps onto the footing of a streetlight and spins on it, in <b> </b> time-honoured musical fashion. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes. <b> </b> George leaps from the streetlight onto the road, where he spreads his arms <b> </b> and spins. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune! <b> </b> A car brakes behind George and sounds its horn. George flinches, and jigs <b> </b> nervously out from in front of the automobile and back to the pavement. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> George pushes open the door and enters, still ebullient. He punches the air <b> </b> as he looks to Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> June. Juune, baby! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The catering hall screwed up. The wedding is delayed until June. It's <b> </b> like a stay of execution. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dead man walking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky <b> </b> day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's not bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, good news for you too. Susan's <b> </b> best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She did? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? Wheels? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> In motion. The wheels are in motion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beautiful. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works out, forget about it. <b> </b> Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's almost as good <b> </b> as if I didn't get married. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, set it up. You know what, we could have dinner at the Friars Club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Friars Club? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper said he would put me up for <b> </b> membership. <b> </b> Kramer opens the door and leans in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, do me a favour, will you? I got <b> </b> a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty <b> </b> minutes, alright? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Catnap? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. I been reading this <b> </b> book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (deadpan) That must be some book. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes every <b> </b> three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, that I'm awake <b> </b> per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have lived <b> </b> the equivalent of a hundred and five years. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer heads for the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know you had a hopper. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer exits, closing the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Conference Room, J. Peterman) <b> </b> A number of executives are seated round a table, with J Peterman at the head <b> </b> of the table. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Alright, people, I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well-met <b> </b> good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business Affairs. <b> </b><b> </b> Peterman indicates a guy sitting next to Elaine. The other executives give <b> </b> Bob some quiet applause, which he acknowledges with a slight wave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Thanks. Hi everybody. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Bob, we have a little baptism by fire for you, so to speak. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine leans over to the guy sitting on the other side of her from Bob. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (whispers) Poor bastard. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (to Bob) I want you to handle all the fact-checking and the <b> </b> copy-editing for the new catalogue. <b> </b> Bob looks blank and fiddles with something behind his ear. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Ah, could you repeat that? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (slower and louder) Why don't you handle all the copy-editing? <b> </b><b> </b> Bob pulls a face and points to indicate all is not well with his hearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> (apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (louder still) Copy-editing! <b> </b> Peterman sees he's not getting through to Bob, and gives up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine, you do it. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine does a double-take at hearing this, looking dismayed. Bob has a <b> </b> hearing aid out of his ear and manipulates it before slipping it back in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Friars Club Lobby) <b> </b> Jerry, George, Susan, and Hallie stand before the maitre d' of the rather <b> </b> fancy Friars Club. Jerry has no jacket <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made a reservation for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen are required to wear <b> </b> jackets in the dining room. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (downcast) Oh, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> (smiling) How embarrassing this must be for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (jocular) You just bought your own dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George, Susan and Hallie laugh at his little joke. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> No problem. Please, follow me. <b> </b> The maitre d' strides away, Jerry follows. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (passing Hallie) 'Scuse me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny? Funny guy. Ha ha ha. <b> </b><b> </b> A couple of people walk by, George raises a hand in greeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Friars. <b> </b> Jerry returns, wearing a blazer, with a crest on the breast pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I kinda like this little thing here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George, Susan and Hallie, all make positive noises and comments. The maitre <b> </b> d' comes up behind Jerry and motions them to enter. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> This way please. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hup, here we go. Here we go. <b> </b> The four of them walk on into the restaurant, with George bringing up the <b> </b> rear. <b> </b><b> </b> (Friars Club Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie, sit round a table, eating. They're engage in <b> </b> at least two separate conversations - Jerry with George and Susan with <b> </b> Hallie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you, I can coach for the NFL. It's <b> </b> not that hard <b> </b> Jerry looks scornfully at George. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points to her plate) taste this fish. <b> </b> It's really delicious. <b> </b> Hallie spears a morsel from Susan's plate and eats it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) Oh, get outta here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) I mean, come on. (a thought occurs) No, the stupidest <b> </b> thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is the <b> </b> same guy from *Seals and Croft*. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> (to Susan) Mmm, it is good. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (to Hallie) What do you think about having fish for the wedding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) You watch the old videos. (insistent) I'm telling you, <b> </b> look at him. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> (to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct) wedding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b> The four continue chatting happily. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is asleep on Jerry's couch. Jerry enters, wearing a long coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking at Kramer) This is nice. <b> </b> Jerry slams the door and Kramer jerks awake. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Morning? <b> </b> Jerry removes his coat, to reveal he's wearing the crested jacket from the <b> </b> Friars Club. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, what time is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looks at watch) Ten-thirty. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) I got the whole night <b> </b> ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer passes Jerry on his way to the kitchen. Jerry looks downwards at his <b> </b> attire. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. I forgot to give it back. It <b> </b> belongs to the Friars Club. <b> </b> Kramer has a bowl on the counter and fetches a box of cereal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes cereal into the bowl) Alright, <b> </b> here we go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Breakfast? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important meal of the day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So this Da Vinci sleep is working out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have <b> </b> never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this <b> </b> idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves only peanut <b> </b> butter and jelly. (clicks tongue) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What d'you call it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> P B and J's. What d'you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (deadpan) I think you need more sleep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (dismissive) Ahh. <b> </b> Kramer picks up his bowl of cereal and heads for the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, how'd your date work out with the mysterious Connie? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer stops, with the door open, and turns back to Jerry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave the <b> </b> apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, now you're being ridiculous. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (laughing) He he, yeah. <b> </b> Kramer begins to exit. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'll be back. <b> </b> Kramer leaves and closes the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman) <b> </b> It's late at night, and her's is the only light on in the building. Elaine <b> </b> sits at a computer, typing away at the keyboard. She's surrounded by piles of <b> </b> paperwork, which she rummages through. She sighs, frustrated at being saddled <b> </b> with all this work. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> It's night, and Jerry lies in bed asleep. Kramer enters the room quietly and <b> </b> sits on the edge of Jerry's bed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (quietly) Jerry. <b> </b> Jerry stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (quietly) Hey Jerry. <b> </b> Jerry still doesn't wake. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy. <b> </b> Jerry snaps awake, sitting up and recoiling from the figure on his bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (startled) Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You awake? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (confused) Wha..? What time is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> W...It's four. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (aghast) Four in the morning?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what's wrong with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm bored. I got all this free time on my hands, I dunno what to do. <b> </b> You wanna do something? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. Would you just get out? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You wanna rent a movie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what am I gonna do? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman) <b> </b> Jerry walks over to Elaine, who is working at her computer. She has a <b> </b> sandwich and a diet soda on her desk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ready for lunch? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (irked) I'm stuck here, editing the stupid catalogue, because of <b> </b> stupid Bob Grossberg. <b> </b> Jerry pulls a face, helps himself to a sandwich and sits down, as Elaine <b> </b> turns to him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, there is something really suspicious about this guy. Every <b> </b> time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear, and it <b> </b> all gets dumped on me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think he's faking? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. But I'd like to try that earpiece on, see if it's real. <b> </b><b> </b> Bob leans around the open door to speak. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Hey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you have a friend. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry waves a finger in greeting. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> (to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Bob makes to depart, but stops as Elaine speaks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped here. You think you could give <b> </b> me a hand with some of the catalogue? <b> </b><b> BOB </b> (cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm sorry. What? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine leans toward Bob. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Bob smiles, and holds his tie, as if he's been complimented on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Thank you. I'm having lunch with Mr P. I better get going. <b> </b><b> </b> Bob smiles, gives Elaine a wink and leaves. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you see that? Did you see that, Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Somehow I thought he'd be taller. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, listen, we'll have to do this again some other time, okay? I <b> </b> got a lotta work to do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (standing) Alright, I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine turns back to her computer. Jerry heads out the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> </b> (Peterman Bathroom) <b> </b> Bob stands at the urinal. Jerry opens the door and enters the room. He sees <b> </b> Bob, and wonders about something. Jerry slowly crosses the room until he's <b> </b> standing about three feet behind Bob. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Bob. <b> </b> Bob continues to use the urinal, without reaction. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bob. <b> </b> Still no reaction. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Bobby, over here. <b> </b> Bob continues his necessary business. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bob. Oh, Bob. <b> </b> Still nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (louder) Bob! <b> </b> Bob finishes what he has to do, and half-turns to find Jerry behind him. <b> </b> Jerry feigns innocence, Bob completes his zipping up whilst faced away from <b> </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Hi. <b> </b> Jerry and Bob give embarrassed acknowledgement smiles. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman) <b> </b> Elaine types away at her computer. Jerry enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (urgent whisper) Elaine. <b> </b> Jerry closes the door behind him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (makes an irked noise) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was just in the bathroom. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (really doesn't want to know) Okay, Jerry, please, please. I'm really <b> </b><b> </b> busy here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I kinda tried to test his hearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine stands and slaps Jerry on the chest with a bundle of papers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out! What'd you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see if he <b> </b><b> </b> could hear me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (hopeful) And? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, he flinched, sort of. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It mighta been on the zip up, <b> </b> I dunno. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you don't know anything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sarcasm) Alright, good job. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b> Elaine goes back to work. Jerry leaves. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits, reading a paper, at the table. There is a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come in. <b> </b> The door slowly opens wide enough for George to lean into the room. He's <b> </b> smiling, looks at Jerry and raises his eyebrows quizzically. Jerry smiles <b> </b> back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (entering) Last night, huh? Was that something, or was that <b> </b> something? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was something. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah. She's great, isn't she? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm nuts about her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think she could be an 'it'? Could she be an 'it'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She could be an 'it'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (claps hands triumphantly) We might have an 'it'! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's got 'it' written all over her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's got everything, right? (counts on his fingers) She's <b> </b> intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, she's smart. You take my word for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatever. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they always <b> </b> like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That doesn't sound right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. So, tonight she's got tickets for that show she's been working <b> </b> on. The Flying Sandos Brother. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Flying Sandos. Beautiful. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great. Seven-thirty, alright? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Walk me down to the Friars. <b> </b> Jerry goes into the bedroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty apartment in my building. If <b> </b> you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may... <b> </b> Jerry reenters looking confused. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's gotta be here somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters, rubbing his eyes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, boy. <b> </b> Jerry is looking around for the jacket, lifting cushions, etc. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. wakeup call last night. <b> </b> (frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, the one with the crest. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well, that's at the cleaners. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The cleaners? How did it get there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night and it got a little dirty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (irritated) Great. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile of <b> </b> garbage. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty minutes sleep in three days! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, so, look, the cleaner said you could pick it up tonight at six. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. I just hope I can get it to the Friars Club before the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Won't be a problem...(mumbles) <b> </b> Kramer has closed his eyes and fallen asleep while leaning on the counter in <b> </b> Jerry's kitchen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) Hey. <b> </b> Kramer does not respond. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (louder) Hey!! <b> </b> Kramer snaps awake with a jerk. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Watch out, boy. <b> </b><b> </b> (Bob's Office, J. Peterman) <b> </b> Bob is working at his desk, with his back to the door. Elaine arrives and <b> </b> stands in the doorway. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you give us a hand with some of these boxes, Bob? <b> </b><b> </b> Bob continues to muse over some of the work in front of him, giving no sign <b> </b> of knowing Elaine is there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bob! <b> </b> Bob still doesn't react to Elaine. Elaine takes a couple of steps into Bob's <b> </b> office, and decides to try a different tactic. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You turn me on... <b> </b><b> </b> As Elaine speaks, Peterman walks past the open door. Hearing Elaine's voice, <b> </b> his attention is caught. He stops to listen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ...so much. You're so damn...sexy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Peterman watches and listens, surprised. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Peterman decides he should withdraw, and he leaves. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting through? Bob? <b> </b><b> </b> Bob continues to be oblivious to Elaine. Elaine pulls a pensive face and <b> </b> leaves. <b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre) <b> </b> George, Susan and Hallie sit in a box overlooking the stage (just like the <b> </b> two guys in the Muppets). There's an empty seat beside Hallie. George is <b> </b> making small talk. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> Well, they perform all over. Europe mostly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Jerry arrives, wearing the crested jacket. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry, sorry I'm late. <b> </b><b> GEORGE/SUSAN </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry takes the vacant seat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have to return it after the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry on the shoulders) How about <b> </b> these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better. <b> </b><b> </b> Lively music begins and the Flying Sandos Brothers bound onto the stage to <b> </b> applause from the auditorium. Jerry and his friends all join in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer sits on his couch with Connie, who is playfully toying with the collar <b> </b> on his shirt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> Mmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Connie leans in and begins to kiss Kramer's neck. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business, huh? I'm all a-twitter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre) <b> </b> The Sandos Brothers are on stage performing a juggling act with glasses, <b> </b> trays and bottle. It ends with them pouring drinks and toasting the audience. <b> </b> The audience applaud appreciatively. <b> </b> The Sandos Brothers launch into the next part of their act. One brother <b> </b> climbs onto the shoulders of another and is carried to the edge of the stage, <b> </b> where he climbs from the shoulders into the box containing Jerry, George, <b> </b> Susan and Hallie. The audience applaud. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> How would you kind people like to lend a hand with our next <b> </b> trick? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smiling) I don't think so. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> Please, take off your jacket. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My jacket? <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> Yes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd) What do you say, <b> </b> ladies and gentlemen? <b> </b> The rest of the audience cheer and clap. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> (to Jerry) Can't argue with that. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> C'mon. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Do it. Come on, Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Give him the jacket. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (giving in) Alright. <b> </b> Jerry shrugs out of the jacket, to the applause of friends and audience. He <b> </b> hands it to the Sandos Brother. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> And now, we say the magic word. (gestures with his hand) <b> </b> Agrabah! And we make it disappear. <b> </b> As he finishes his speech, he tosses the jacket out of the box and into the <b> </b> audience. The audience clap, as do George, Susan and Hallie. Jerry peers over <b> </b> the edge of the box, after the jacket. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Connie lies on the couch, underneath Kramer. She strokes the side of his head <b> </b> with her fingers. <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo. Oh Cosmo. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is oddly unresponsive. <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move a little, this hurts. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer makes no reply. <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (worried) Cosmo? <b> </b> Connie pushes at Kramer to try and move him. <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Connie heaves harder at Kramer, but he's still not moving or replying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> Cosmo? <b> </b> Connie lifts Kramer's head and looks at his face, which is completely slack <b> </b> and expressionless. <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's dead. <b> </b><b> </b> Panicky, Connie tries again to lift Kramer enough to get out, but is unable <b> </b> to move his inert bulk. She reaches across to the table and grabs the handset <b> </b> of the phone. Quickly, she dials a number and puts the phone to her ear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie. You gotta help me. Some guy <b> </b> dropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos Joey might <b> </b> find out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre, Backstage) <b> </b> Jerry leads George and the girls up to a door marked 'Dressing Room 3'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is very exciting. The inner sanctum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry knocks on the door. It's opened after a second, by one of the Sandos <b> </b> Brothers who looks at Jerry, questioningly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. You threw my jacket down. I just <b> </b> wanted to pick it up. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 2 </b> Jacket? What jacket? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (explaining) I had a jacket with a crest on it. You came into the <b> </b> audience, you threw it away. Agrabah. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 2 </b> A..are you sure it was me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it was either you or one of your brothers. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry looks past to where another couple of Sandos Brother are still <b> </b> changing. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 2 </b> Well, two of them have left already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The Sandos Brother at the door turns to the other two an rattles off a <b> </b> question in some foreign language. The other two speak to each other and <b> </b> reply to the question, also in a foreign tongue, but clearly they don't know <b> </b> anything. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 2 </b> (shaking his head apologetically) No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the Friars Club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 2 </b> Sorry. <b> </b> The Sandos Brother closes the door, smiling. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (cynical) I'm sure it won't. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's gonna get the jacket back. <b> </b> (claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aww, that's too bad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, we'll do it another time. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (bright) George, we'll go. <b> </b> George doesn't look like the prospect of coffee alone with Susan is something <b> </b> he relishes. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George and Susan sit either side of a table, with coffee. There's a definite <b> </b> lack of sparkling conversation. George forces a smile at Susan. There's a <b> </b> long pause, broken only by Susan sighing. George finally thinks of something <b> </b> to say. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, what colour? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Brown. <b> </b> Susan nods her comprehension, as George muses for a moment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe a black. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Mmm. <b> </b> The waitress walks by the table with the coffee pot. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> More coffee? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The waitress pulls the check from her pocket and puts it on the table for <b> </b> George. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hallway Outside Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> As Jerry walks up to his door, Kramer's door opens and two guys emerge <b> </b> carrying a large body-shaped object wrapped in fabric. They carry it away <b> </b> down the hall. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking after the guys) That nut is always up to something. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry shakes his head at Kramer's antics as he enters his apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A Lonely Stretch Of Road On The Banks Of The Hudson) <b> </b> It is night. A large black car squeals to a stop beside the river. The two <b> </b> guys we just saw leave Kramer's apartment climb out of the car. They open the <b> </b> trunk and haul out the wrapped object they were carrying. They lug it to the <b> </b> rail at the edge of the road, and heave it over the edge. It splashes into <b> </b> the river and begins to sink. The two guys quickly close the trunk of the car <b> </b> and climb back in. <b> </b><b> </b> (Beneath The Hudson River) <b> </b> The object sinks down into the water. Suddenly, the contents begin to squirm <b> </b> and jump. The outline of a human body can be seen within the fabric. The top <b> </b> of the wrappings opens and Kramer emerges. He looks around, wide-eyed, and <b> </b> would scream with shock, were he not underwater. He kicks his legs and swims <b> </b> toward the surface. <b> </b><b> </b> (The Hudson River) <b> </b> Kramer breaks the surface with a splutter. He looks round, panicky and <b> </b> confused. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!! <b> </b> Kramer looks to one side, where he sees a large ferry bearing down on him. He <b> </b> turns and begins swimming away from the vessel. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> AAH! AAGH! </b> <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman) <b> </b> Elaine is working away, when Peterman enters behind her. He's carrying a <b> </b> couple of bits of card. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine. I think I've been working you a little too hard, lately. <b> </b><b> </b> Peterman sits on the edge of Elaine's desk. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shrugging it off) Oh. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> So, I have two tickets for you (holds up the bits of card) to the <b> </b> Flying Sandos Brothers magic show. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pleased) Ah. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> It is a real hoot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So you and Bob can knock off a <b> </b> little early, so you both can get ready. <b> </b> Elaine looks confused. Peterman begins to leave. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr Peterman, you... <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (interrupting) There's no need to deny it, Elaine. I heard every <b> </b> word you said. <b> </b> Elaine realises what Peterman overheard. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> And I know you wouldn't be just having fun with his handicap. <b> </b> (staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is on the phone, as George enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to <b> </b> George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna let a <b> </b> jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me eight hundred <b> </b> dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper! <b> </b> Jerry stalks about as George sits on the couch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that Sandos Brothers? They take <b> </b> your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan and I were thinking, uh, dinner <b> </b> at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worried) Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (standing) C'mon, what're you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're soured? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm soured. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't be soured. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. I'm soured. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so well. <b> </b> Where is all this coming from? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you know, frankly, I don't think she was too concerned about my <b> </b> jacket. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said <b> </b> she was gonna get it back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indifferent) Yeah, we'll see. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worked up) Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason <b> </b> to be sour. You'll de-sour, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll try and de-sour. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. <b> </b> You have to sweeten too! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wanna get it back when we were the Gatsbys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I still don't know what that means. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (neither does he) Yeah, well. <b> </b> The door opens and Kramer enters, fully dressed but soaked to the skin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> God. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (astonished) Oh god! What happened to you?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (animated) She tried to kill me Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shouts) Connie! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What'd she do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know! (building to a shout) But I woke up in the Hudson river <b> </b><b> </b> in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and I'm calling the <b> </b> cops. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (bewildered) Why would she try and kill you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She doesn't want anybody else to <b> </b> have me! <b> </b> Kramer moves to leave, but walks into the door with a loud thud. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to door) Gah! <b> </b> Kramer stomps away to his own apartment. <b> </b><b> </b> (Friars Club Lobby) <b> </b> Jerry and George stand where they dealt with the maitre d' on their previous <b> </b> visit. As they wait, they're people-watching. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, there's uncle Milty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pleased) Yeah, it is. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pointing) And there's David Steinberg. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The comedian, or the manager? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The manager. <b> </b> George looks unimpressed. Pat Cooper comes walking toward Jerry and George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls) Hey, Pat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAT </b> Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you? Are <b> </b> you a kleptomaniac, or what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I forgot to take it off. <b> </b><b> PAT </b> (dubious) You forgot to take it off? Oh, you go into a department store, <b> </b><b> </b> you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some sort of an <b> </b> idiot? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> PAT </b> Where's the jacket? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, one of the gypsies took it. <b> </b><b> PAT </b> (skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it! Of course, New York has a lot of <b> </b> gypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PAT </b> (probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer? Are you in showbusiness? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I uh... <b> </b><b> PAT </b> (interrupting) Then what am I talking to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry, <b> </b> bring the jacket back tomorrow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b> Pat Cooper walks away from the guys. Jerry motions for George to leave with <b> </b> him. George looks round and sees something. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, wait a minute. <b> </b> Over at one of the tables, the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's jacket is <b> </b> entertaining some other guests. He's wearing a familiar crested jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't that the guy from the show? <b> </b> He's..he's wearing the jacket. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> God, you're right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George walk into the Friars Club, but within a couple of strides <b> </b> they are faced with the maitre d'. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen, are you members? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm a prospective member. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Until then, (pointing) that's the way out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But that guy has my jacket. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> C'mon, let's go. <b> </b> The maitre d' shepherds Jerry and George out of the door, despite their <b> </b> continuing protests. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket that my friend is... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Let's go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If I could talk to the guy for just a sec... <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are ejected from the Friars Club. <b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre) <b> </b> Elaine and Bob sit in the same box used by Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie. <b> </b> Elaine looks distinctly unenthused at the prospect of spending the evening <b> </b> with Bob. Bob looks delighted to be ensconced with Elaine. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> These seats are fantastic. It was really nice of Mr Peterman to give us <b> </b> these tickets. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice. <b> </b> Bob slips one hand round the back of Elaine's seat and leans slightly toward <b> </b> her. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> (smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private box here, don't we? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine looks at Bob, wondering what he's talking about. Bob dives across at <b> </b> Elaine, putting his arms round her and his face on her chest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop it. Stop it. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine succeeds in heaving Bob away from her. She looks at him, angrily. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get offa me! <b> </b> Bob stands for a few seconds, with Elaine glaring at him. Then he dives in <b> </b> for another go. Elaine struggles with him again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing Bob back between the seats) <b> </b> Get a hold of yourself! <b> </b> Bob slowly gets to his feet. Elaine glares at him, and Bob shamefacedly <b> </b><b> </b> shuffles away out of the box. <b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre, Backstage) <b> </b> Jerry and George come round a corner in a dingy corridor at the theatre. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno how that guy gave us the slip at the Friars Club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told you, he probably went out the back. <b> </b><b> </b> Along the corridor comes the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's jacket. He has a <b> </b> jacket slung over one shoulder. Jerry and George collide with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ouf. <b> </b> Jerry recognises the guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's my Friars Club jacket! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> No, it is not. It is my jacket. <b> </b> The Sandos Brother backs away from the advancing Jerry and George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, give it back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> No, it is not. This is mine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon I need it. <b> </b> Jerry grabs hold of the jacket and begins a tug-of-war with it. George joins <b> </b> in, trying to release the grip of the Sandos Brother. The door to 'Dressing <b> </b> Room 3' opens and Hallie emerges and watches the struggle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (determined) I wanna join. I need it to become a member. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Give 'im the jacket already! <b> </b> Jerry and George succeed in taking the jacket. The Sandos Brother runs away <b> </b> down the corridor, shouting. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> (yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language) Azobar! Azobar <b> </b> disay! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's he yelling about? They're stealing jackets here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you believe it?! <b> </b> Jerry looks at the jacket they took, and notices something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (examining) Hey George, you know what? I think this crest is <b> </b> different. It's got a moose on it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Moose? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is the jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> No, it's not. <b> </b> Hallie reaches inside the door of Dressing Room 3 and pulls out a jacket on a <b> </b> hanger. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> This is the jacket. <b> </b> Jerry and George look mortified. Hallie brings the jacket over to Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohh, you got the jacket back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ohh, yeahh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (taking the jacket) Thank you. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> It got a little dirty, so they wanted to clean it before they gave it <b> </b> back to you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiling) That is really nice. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeahh. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's call Susan, we'll go have <b> </b> coffee. <b> </b><b> HALLIE </b> (flat) I'll see you at the wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Hallie walks away, leaving George's Gatsby ambitions in tatters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre) <b> </b> Elaine sits alone in the box. Something on the floor catches her eye. It's <b> </b> Bob's hearing-aid earpiece. Elaine picks it up, and it occurs to her that she <b> </b> has the opportunity she wanted. She wipes the earpiece on the lapel of her <b> </b> jacket and carefully slips it over her ear. Elaine cocks her head on one <b> </b> side, listening to see if it makes a difference. <b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre, Backstage) <b> </b> Jerry and George walk along backstage. Jerry has his jacket, and George is <b> </b> carrying the Sandos Brother's jacket, looking sullen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (moody) Great! Now she's sour! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe she'll sweeten. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Behind Jerry and George, the Flying Sandos Brothers appear. They look over <b> </b> toward Jerry and George. <b> </b><b> SANDOS BROTHER 1 </b> (pointing) There they are! <b> </b> The Sandos Brothers set off running after Jerry and George. George hurriedly <b> </b> puts the jacket down on a table, as he and Jerry begin to hasten. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here for you! <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George run away, as the Sandos Brothers advance. <b> </b> George is on the lead as he and Jerry reach a door marked 'Emergency Exit. <b> </b> Alarm will sound'. George pushes the door open and he and Jerry dart through. <b> </b> As they do, a loud alarm bell begins to ring. <b> </b><b> </b> (Theatre) <b> </b> Elaine is sitting wearing the earpiece when the alarm sounds. Obviously, the <b> </b> earpiece works, as Elaine spasms in pain at the ringing. She clutches her <b> </b> hands to her ears and jerks off her seat, falling out of sight onto the floor <b> </b> of the box. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hallway, Apartment Building) <b> </b> Kramer stands outside the door to an apartment, flanked by two other guys. <b> </b> One of the guys knocks at the door. After a few seconds, it is opened by <b> </b> Connie. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pointing) That's her, officer. <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought you were... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes? I guess I woke up! <b> </b><b> </b> The detective shows his shield to Connie. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> You're under arrest for the attempted murder of Cosmo Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (defensive) I didn't do anything. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah! <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> Get your coat, we gotta take you in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> Can I call my lawyer? <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> Okay, go ahead. <b> </b> Connie goes back into her apartment. <b> </b><b> </b> (Connie's Apartment/Lawyer's Office) <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (on phone) You gotta meet me at the police station. They're arresting me for attempted murder. <b> </b><b> </b> On the phone in his office is Jackie Chiles. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Attempted murder? Of whom? <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> This guy, Kramer. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Oh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer? <b> </b><b> CONNIE </b> (surprised) Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> (adamant) I don't want nothing to do with it. <b> </b><b> </b> Jackie puts down his phone and looks glad to have escaped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Friars Club Script

1996-04-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE WIG MASTER </b> Written by Spike Feresten <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really like the wig historically. I guess the revolutionary war, the last war fought in wig, and it seems that it must have been hard. You know they're going in to battle, they think.. well do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins.. and you got to make sure you have everything... lot more to worry about What if I get killed.? Is my wig on straight? I don't know when the whole wig thing came in to style for men... but I know when it went out.! When the mirror was invented. No guy is looking in the mirror powdering a patch of horsehair on his head going ..All right! lets go rap to the ladies.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Andover shop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm looking for a crested blazer <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> A crested blazer.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've worn one once and I really think it did something for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> (turning around): Yes .I Think we may have something. <b> </b><b> </b> (picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world famous <b> </b><b> </b> Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> It looks fabulous on you... shall I wrap it up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you what. I'll come back later with someone and see what they think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> (doubtful) A Hum! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really I'll be back. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Yeah! <b> </b> Cuts to Jerry's apartment. <b> </b> George is pacing back and forth with the phone and Elaine and Jerry are talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I didn't like the crest all that much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes with me so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone else thought.... And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah! So he knew that you were making it up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah..... He caught me. So here's what I want you to do. Come back with me to the store and we'll pretend to look at the coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's ridiculous. Why do do you want to go back there if you don't want the coat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because he thinks I was lying and I want to show him I wasn't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But you were!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But if you go back with me, then I'm not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (still on the phone) All right fine.... Whatever <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walks in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Problems with the house guest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What house guest? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This friend of Susan's is staying with us for two weeks...Now am I wrong or is that excessive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well Bob Sacamano he stayed with me once for a year and a half. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who is he? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's a wig master <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is a wig master? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's the guy in charge of the wigs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> About some tickets George, you know I'd kill for a peek.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got to drop my car off at the new lot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Euh what...What lot is that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five dollars a month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Seventy -five bucks a month! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah and you get this really cool T-shirt when you sign on.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I'm down. <b> </b> Cuts to the Andover shop <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (proud of himself) Remember me? I said I 'd come back with someone and I did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Surprised?. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> No I believed you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah.... well Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking up to the salesman) <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Oh!... hello I'm Craig. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> .....Hi. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> well (picks up the blazer again) here it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at this hand ticking around the crest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> You know your coats? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I'm in the biz .. I work for J. Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> I love J. Peterman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (giggling) Ohhh!!. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> I especially enjoy the catalogue, those fanciful narratives really take me away.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohhh!! really ..well you know what, I write those. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> No!!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeeeahh!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine What about the crest.? What d'you think of the crest <b> </b><b> </b> here. <b> </b> Elaine Well I love it... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what?? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think it's great. I think you should get it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Well .... Will it be check or credit card? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (giving up) Check. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> I'll need you to write down your phone number on the check for me. (turning to Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b> Perhaps you could do the same. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cuts to a street where Jerry &amp; Elaine are walking <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You weren't supposed to say that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I really did like it <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not the point. You put me in a position where I had no choice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> uhn... Sorry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what about that guy asking you out right in front of me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is the big deal!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...'s very emasculating, he doesn't know the nature of our relationship. You're <b> </b><b> </b> there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How dare he!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He dared.... <b> </b> Cuts to George's apartment as he comes in. <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> (sitting in the couch and combing his wigs)Hi George.. How was your day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good....good day (not too convincing) You? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> I am getting so much work done..... See? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very nice <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (walks in) Hi sweety How was your day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> I already ask him that. He said Good...Good day.... <b> </b><b> </b> George scratches his head and the scene cuts to Jerry and Kramer's hallway <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (frantically pulling at his doorknob) Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment keys off the ring. <b> </b><b> </b> So you got my spare? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I gave it back to you <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> y'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum..... Can you take me over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh Come on!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over to twelfth avenue.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> : I didn,t tell you to park in that lot .. Now someone's gonna have <b> </b><b> </b> to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm not going to take the bus that's why I got a car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Forget it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Awright I'm gonna get George to pick me up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He wont take ya.. <b> </b> Kramer picks up the phone, calls George <b> </b> Phone rings at Georges and he's sitting between Susan and the wig master. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got it,...Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, Can you take me over to the Jiffy Park? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All right All right....Hey! gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cuts to Georges car. Kramer changes the stations on the radio <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So the Wig master.......the Wig master said you could stop by the theater tonight.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and he'll show you around. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> WOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!! </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I like 'em all(still fiddles with the radio) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw great. Now the volume knob fell off <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (seems to pickup something on the floor) ....'s'this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Gawd!!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They both shriek and the scene cuts to Monks <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do you like working there at the .... hum...Andover shop? <b> </b><b> </b> I mean it'sa pretty swanky upscale clientele. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Hmmm <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> except for Jerry!(laughs) <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> So did you see anything you'd like.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh!!! <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Cause I can get you a considerable discount. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing little black dress...it was sleeveless.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> The Nicole Miller <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah..Yeah... <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> I'll take care of it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really....but I barely know you. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Well...hum.....we'll just have to do something about that. Won't we. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah! Ah!ah! <b> </b> Jerry peeks into Monks window then comes in as Craig is leaving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Greg <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> It's Craig <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Yes lovely. <b> </b> Jerry You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my girlfriend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Well I could just sense it <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because you know we used to go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Oh ! you did <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh Yeah we went way out and wild. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Jerr... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b> In comes a lady selling roses <b> </b><b> LADY </b> Would you like to buy a rose for your wife? ( to Craig) <b> </b><b> </b> Craig and Elaine both laugh <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you know she's not my wife? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cuts to the Jiffy Park <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I want to know how did that get into my car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Hey look ..You walk in to this city you got to expect things are gonna <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That doesn't explain the lipstick on the dashboard? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Here take a few shirts.... <b> </b> A man walks over the attendant and whispers in to his ears. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> I'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we can't get your car now, the keys seems <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to have been misplaced. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a minute I need those keys. I wont be able to get into my apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Aaye Mr Kramer....You like Cadillacs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously) Why ? What you got on your mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Take that pink Eldorado Cadillac over there , it's a Mary Kay car.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mary Kay uh? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Mary Kay car.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to George) Well listen See you later ..thanks for driving me by.. <b> </b><b> </b> Two prostitutes walk up to a car <b> </b><b> HOOKER </b> Hey!! Whats happening? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're gonna hang around here a little while....something funny going on here <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cuts to Jerry's apartment <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You were wrong about Craig . He's a very sweet guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what about the ponytail? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> what about it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> : C'mon Ponytail ...Get real. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All I know he's promised me a discount on that dress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course he did ..The guy's working ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough to know when I'm being worked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you slept with him yet? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just met him this morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's been known to happen....... telling you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle <b> </b><b> </b> that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> . Well this is all very flattering... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (interrupts)like a shark fisherman with a bucket of (?) Ch.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok.... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (continues)Like a shrimp farmer.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> OKAY!!! </b> <b> </b> Cuts to the Majestic Theater. <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> Well that's the grand tour ... Aw but I save the best for last... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah!! <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> Behold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer Oooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular. <b> </b> Cuts to the Jiffy Park <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> S'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOOKER </b> Are you a cop?? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum... I work for the Yankees. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOOKER </b> Urghh They stink. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nevertheless.. I was wondering if you and your .friends are doing business <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people call it? Turning tricks? <b> </b><b> </b> Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying it's yours but.... I <b> </b><b> </b> want to know if I should just change parking lots. <b> </b><b> HOOKER </b> Get lost mister, I'm trying to make a living here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll pay you for your time....I just ..I just need some information . How much do you want? <b> </b><b> </b> ten....fifteen? You have change for twenty? <b> </b><b> HOOKER </b> Fifteen? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (walks in) George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi honey.. <b> </b> Hooker picks up the money as George looks embarrassed. <b> </b> Scene cuts to George's apartment. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> ..So you're telling me the truth? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of Course I'm telling the truth. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Because I have to be able to trust you... If I can't trust you then there's no way that <b> </b><b> </b> this can work. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well then...then you really have something to think about because.....you know if there's <b> </b><b> </b> any doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to be a big doubt, you know <b> </b><b> </b> even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and..... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> There's no doubt. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because if there's any doubt at all I...I feel we should cultivate it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Cultivate it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, you know. Deal with it .We have to deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!! Must be <b> </b><b> </b> dealt with. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I have no doubt George. Do you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo... <b> </b> Cuts to Elaine and Craig waljing on the street. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know... I can't wait to get that dress.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Yeah... It should arrive eminently. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Arrive? <b> </b><b> CRAIG. </b> Yes! From Milan. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But you said it was in the store!. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> No no no We sold out we had to order some more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I thought .. Nicole Miller was made....... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> (Interrupts) Eeen!!! <b> </b><b> IAN </b> Hey Craig. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Elaine this is Een. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi E-an <b> </b><b> IAN </b> Een.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> E-an <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Een... He's a friend a mine from England <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IAN </b> (word missing) What are doing? <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> I'm working at the Andover shop actually....You should come by. I'll get you a <b> </b><b> </b> great discount. <b> </b><b> IAN </b> Maybe I will. Nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh..Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Bye <b> </b><b> IAN </b> ..Cheery-o <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye Eeeen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you're giving him a discount too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Hummm Why so surprised? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hem!! No reason. <b> </b> Cuts to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Kramer are watching tv. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know that clothing salesman had a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right in front of me. <b> </b><b> </b> He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the crest that nobody seems <b> </b><b> </b> to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket back.. I'm putting this guy <b> </b><b> </b><b> ....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION.... </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Heeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Turn in? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah,I had a tough day <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's only nine o clock. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. It's an argument you can't win. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't go to sleep at nine o clock! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you can go to your room and read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But I'm tired.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aah! He's got a girl up there. This quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna get cold. <b> </b><b> </b> I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna sleep.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well that's all I got. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can I sleep with you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you got that big comfortable bed and that nice warm quilt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I really have to explain why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I......( Elaine pops in at that moment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi!. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi...........What's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Squire's walking stick. I had to write about it for the catalogue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeaaahmm.... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can have ,I don't need it anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh Mama...( walks away) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong about Craig. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too... a man Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So ,Who is he? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Some friend of his from England. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you see?...........It's all a big scam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're nuts! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How do you know he's not wondering the same thing about you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the <b> </b><b> </b> discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings.... And then when <b> </b><b> </b> you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aawwh Please..... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now see the two of you need to work on trust... and then and only then will there be a free <b> </b><b> </b> exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and now if you <b> </b><b> </b> would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Scene cuts to Jerry's bed. Lights are out. Kramer opens the light and starts to read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (softly)hmmm....patio furniture's on sale. <b> </b><b> </b> Cuts to the Jiffy Park the next morning. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me...huh... I think I made a big mistake. I'd like my deposit back please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Whats the problem <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got hookers turning tricks in my car. How's that for starters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Haaan! That is all hearsay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Allright, very good I'd like my car and my deposit back please <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Can't do it' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whadday'mean.? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> If you read the agreement you signed the deposit is not refundable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well does it say anywhere in the contract about my car being used as a whorehouse? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either.. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> What can I tell you buddy. Take it up with Consumer Affairs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . All right , just give me my car and let me get the hell out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Well that's going to be a problem <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> It's all the way in the back. Can't get it out for a couple of days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you talking about.. I WANT <b> MY CAR!! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> We ask that you please bear with us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bear with you! This is a parking lot <b> PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THEIR CARS!!! </b> <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Ideally.. <b> </b> Scene cuts to the Andover shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Certainly. May I ask why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ........For spite... <b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Spite? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> I don't think you can return an item for spite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Well if there was some problem with the garment. If it were unsatisfactory in some way,then <b> </b><b> </b> we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any of our conditions for a refund <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's ridiculous, I want to return it. What's the difference what the reason is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Let me speak with the manager...excuse me .............Bob! <b> </b><b> </b> (walks over to the manager and whispers) <b> </b> Teller ........spite.....(Manager walks over) <b> </b><b> BOB </b> What seems to be the problem? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she <b> </b><b> </b> won't take it back. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> That's true. You can't return an item based purely on spite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> . Well So fine then ..then I don't want it and then that's why I'm returning it <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Well you already said spite so...... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I changed my mind.. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> No...you said spite...Too late. <b> </b> Cuts to a terrace where Kramer is sitting with Ethan and a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They make fun of a woman walking by. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Halloween (not sure) <b> </b><b> CHARMAINE </b> Get a calendar honey! It's the 90's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Elaine.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OH! Hey!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> These are my friends Jerry and Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY &amp; E </b> Hi! How 'r u doing? <b> </b><b> CHARMAINE </b> Hi I'm Charmaine <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> I'm Ethan <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, she's the costume designer and he's the wig master for the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey You're staying with my friend George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> Right George! I get the feeling he doesn't want me there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well he doesn't even want himself there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (They all laugh) <b> </b><b> CHARMAINE </b> Why don't you sit down and join us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. (sits down) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't I 've got to meet a friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well what are we ...dog meat. <b> </b> Ethan (to waiter) ....Champagne Coolies , please. <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> (to Elaine) You've got really beautiful hair. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine Oh Thanks, thank you very much. <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> Have you ever thought about selling it .It would make a brilliant wig.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They make wigs out of human hairs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ethan ..And pay plenty for them. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well you guys are gonna have fun here so..bye take care <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. See ou later.. <b> </b><b> ALL </b> Bye, now... <b> </b><b> CHARMAINE </b> Oh! I just remembered I 've got to get the Dreamcoat from the dry cleaners <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer Hey! You gonna let me try the other one right?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHARMAINE </b> Yeah. But you gonna have to be really careful with it , it's my only backup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Who do you think you're talking to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHARMAINE </b> Ok. Buh- bye! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bye!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye! <b> </b> (they both leave. Jerry and Ethan are alone) <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> There's your Champagne Coolie. Well looks like it's just you and me cowboy!. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Guess so. <b> </b> Scene cuts to Elaine's appt. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Here we are. <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> I....am..beat.(sits on the couch) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sighs) <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Ohh! that's nice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas when the Nicole Millers are coming in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> Oh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm.. Well the funniest thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh! <b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> I've learned that the new shipment's coming in by boat... <b> </b><b> </b> which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what with the waves and all <b> </b><b> </b> .. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient . <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll arrive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRAIG </b> (yawns) ...Nno....I really don't...... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to the terrace with Jerry and Ethan <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> How can she go with a guy like that , he's a mess... I just don't see them together at all <b> </b><b> </b> A man approaches. <b> </b><b> JESSIE </b> Ethan? <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> Yes.. <b> </b><b> JESSIE </b> . Hi it's me Jessie....George Hamilton's personal assistant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> . Right, Right. <b> </b> Both greet each other <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> How you doin'? <b> </b><b> JESSIE </b> nice to see you.. <b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> This is Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello.. <b> </b><b> JESSIE </b> . yeah , hummm ( turns back to Ethan) Ethan ,what brings you in to town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ETHAN </b> I'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat <b> </b><b> </b><b> JESSIE </b> You're kidding... Listen maybe you and I should...ehmmm get together . Have you <b> </b><b> </b> been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... Are you asking him out ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JESSIE </b> Yeah...I guess you could say that.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right in front of me!. How do you know we're not together. Two guys ,sittin' laughin' <b> </b><b> </b> drinking Champagne Coolies. <b> </b><b> JESSIE </b> I dunno I just didn't think you were. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JESSIE </b> I dont know. I just didn't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it's very emasculating.. <b> </b> Jessie looks befuddled and leaves. <b> </b> Back to Elaine's phone rings. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> . Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop. I'm trying to reach Craig Stewart. He left this <b> </b><b> </b> number. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhmmm huh! Is it important.? <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Well..... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let me ask you something. ahemm..Do you know when the Nicole Millers are coming in from <b> </b><b> </b> Milan?. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Nicole Millers, We're not expecting any Nicole Millers, in fact we have too many as it is. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine Well do you have any in a... size four.? <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Yes several.. Just tell him he doesn't have to be in tomorrow before Eleven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure he gets the message. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine then looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks They make wigs out of human hair....And pay <b> </b><b> </b> plenty for them. <b> </b> she then picks up a pair of scissors.. <b> </b> Scene cuts to a woman in a white coat and hat leaving a store. Her hat gets caught in a gust of wind. <b> </b><b> </b> and starts rolling down the street. Kramer picks up the hat with the walking stick and puts it on. <b> </b><b> </b> He struts down the street with the Dreamcoat/hat/stick looking very much like a stereotype pimp. <b> </b><b> </b> He goes to the Jiffy Park to pick up the Cadillac <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh Sweet Maria. Hey! lets go. <b> </b><b> </b> Out comes the hooker with a client. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey! Where you going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOOKER </b> Hey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts hitting Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cool it lady ( they struggle and we here a siren) <b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE </b> Policer officer. Freeze right there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> As the credits roll we hear an officer telling Kramer who is to get his picture taken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE </b> OK Big Daddy. Take the hat off...... awright turn to your right...(Kramer hesitates) I SAID TURN PIMP. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (cries) I'M NOT A PIMP!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Wig Master Script

1996-04-25

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CALZONE </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer much by way of privacy. But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floors... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> All the way to the floor! What are you crazy! You'd suffocate in there. Your lucky you have any doors at all. You know when I was in the army... Hey Costanza. What's that your eating over there? It looks pretty tasty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a calzone, sir. <b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> A calzone huh. Pass it down here. Let's have a look at at it. I want a little taste. Come on, come on. Pass it down here. That's a good boy. Okay. What's in this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh. Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant. <b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Eggplant. Yes. That's a hell of a thing. Okay let's get back to business. Okay here you go. Very good, very good. Excellent. Excellent calzone you got there Costanza. Okay a little jealous now. Okay let's go. Ok last week.... You know that eggplant was very good. Everybody out. I got eggplant on my mind. Costanza get me couple of those calzones right now. Pronto. Move out. Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone. Must have one. Everybody out. Out. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine at apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> One of those fabric wholesalers. This guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What bet? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars!?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader. I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's what I said. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, nothing. <b> </b> Kramer walks in <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Feel this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow.That's hot. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. It's piquing hot. It's fresh out of the dryer. Hey Elaine <b> </b><b> </b> you have to feel my pants. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. All right. You don't know what your missing. I'm loving this <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So know every time you get dressed. You are going to go down to the basement and use the dryer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling, Jerry. So what are you doing later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got a date with Nikki. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah she's a beauty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's also quite bold. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh bold and beautiful. <b> </b> George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium <b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> I am loving this calzone. The pita pocket prevents it from dripping. The pita pocket. (phone rings) What is it Watson? A lost and found? No. I don't think we need that. If people keel over because they lost something that's there tough luck. You got a drip on your mouth by the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know a lost and found could be a good idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Hold on Watson. You like lost and found George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Definitely. <b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> All right lost and found. But there's got to be a time limit. We're not running a pawn shop here. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Nikki at movies <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is Nikki. <b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. This is Todd Gack. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh of course. Todd Gack. You did you bet was in Star Wars? Sammy <b> </b><b> </b> Davis Jr. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what movie are you guys seeing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> "Means to an End " <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. We were going to see that but it was sold out. So were going to <b> </b><b> </b> see " Blame it on the Rain " <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you see what you can do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's she going to do? There's no more tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll see. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Hey Jerry. Do you like cigars? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Why? <b> </b><b> TODD </b> I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> So do you want a box? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. If there cheap Why not. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> All right I buy a box and give to Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Okay two tickets "Means to an End" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Told you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How did you do that? <b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> I just talked to the manager. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain <b> " </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George at the coffee shop <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There putting in a lost and found because of me. There's a time <b> </b><b> </b> limit but still. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There really building a Utopian society up there huh.And you <b> </b><b> </b> tribute all this to the calzone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I am having <b> </b><b> </b> lunch at his desk everyday this week. He doesn't make a move without me. <b> </b><b> </b> It's very exciting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> With you two guys at the helm. The last piece of the puzzle is in <b> </b><b> </b> place. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So let me ask you a question about the tip jar. I had a little <b> </b><b> </b> thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and <b> </b><b> </b> just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And then when I am <b> </b><b> </b> leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean if they don't <b> </b><b> </b> notice it what's the point. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not bills. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So George. Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants. <b> </b><b> </b> We are at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and talks to the <b> </b><b> </b> manager. Right in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Beautiful women. You know they could get away with murder. You <b> </b><b> </b> never she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get whatever they <b> </b><b> </b> want whenever they want it. You can't stop them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's like a beautiful Godzilla. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Without thousands of fleeing Japanese. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Kramer at his apartment <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell is all this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I am looking for quarters for the dryer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why can't you do this on your table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I don't have a table. <b> </b> Elaine walks in <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. So how was "Blame it on the Rain?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh!! Let me ask you a question. Was the movie part of the bet? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. We were both in the mood for one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know Elaine, It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of <b> </b><b> </b> close fiends.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh is that so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last <b> </b><b> </b> night was more than a simple bet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was <b> </b><b> </b> going to lose just to take you to dinner <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected. He has <b> </b><b> </b> found a dating loop hole. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't buy it. <b> </b> Kramer walks in with more change <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what happened after the movie? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing. He walked me home. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To the door? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a date. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No it's not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I never walk you home. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's just because your a jackass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah!! I found a quarter. Anybody want there clothes heated up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So how did you leave it with him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's another loop hole. That's two dates without asking you out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Your crazy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Crazy like a man. <b> </b> George at Pisano's <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Number 49. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know my last name is Costanza. That's Italian. So you and I are <b> </b><b> </b> like country men. Pisano's! <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> $ 6.50 your change. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I always take care of my Pisano's. So here is a little <b> </b><b> </b> something. <b> </b> ( drop in tip and worker looks the other way, so George decides to take it <b> </b><b> </b> out and try again only to get caught ) <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Hey! You steal my money!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no. That's not what I was trying to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> I know what you try to do. Get out. Don't ever come back ever. <b> </b><b> </b> George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Beautiful. I am starving George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Corn beef. I don't think so. It is a little fatty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How about Chinese? <b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Uhhhhh. No. Too many containers. Big mess, big mess. <b> </b><b> </b> Too sloppy.I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's. That's the <b> </b><b> </b> ticket. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just thought it would be nice. A little variety. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> No, no, no. George let me tell you something. When I <b> </b><b> </b> find something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same <b> </b><b> </b> lunch everyday. Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl George <b> </b><b> </b> . First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl. There's nothing more <b> </b><b> </b> satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table. <b> </b><b> </b> Todd walking Elaine to her apartment <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thanks for the dinner. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Todd. Let me ask you a question. Um. Was this whole date thing <b> </b><b> </b> just a way of asking me out? <b> </b><b> TODD </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh all right. Okay well, goodnight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> Hey, if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere <b> </b><b> </b><b> ? </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See what is that? Is that a date? <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Why can't two people go and do something without it being a date? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. I am sorry it's not a date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> No way. So I'll see you Saturday night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Pick you up at 8:00 p.m. <b> </b> Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop <b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was got to be 55. <b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> That's right it is. Do you know how fast you were going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A lot faster than that! <b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> Step out of the car sir. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay dokey <b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> Can I have your license and registration please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely. Nikki! <b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you mind bringing the officer the registration? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Not at all. <b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because <b> </b><b> </b> for a while there I was doing well over 100. <b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Officer. Hi. Do you really have to give us a ticket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right Nik. That's it. <b> </b> Kramer and Jerry at his apartment <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. I am waiting for my shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got your shirt in my oven!?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway this is better. <b> </b><b> </b> And it's more convenient. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For both of us. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for 10 minutes <b> </b><b> </b> at 325 degrees. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's wrong with your oven? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I am baking a pie! <b> </b> Buzz, buzz <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got cigars, huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got some Cubans for George's wedding. They were more than I wanted <b> </b><b> </b> to pay for but what the hell! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah baby. spit, spit. What are these? " Perducto de Peru " <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Peru! I paid $300 bucks for these. I could have bought a house in <b> </b><b> </b> Peru for $300 bucks! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got ripped buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse <b> </b><b> </b> to see Elaine again without asking her out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's a nice name. Todd Gack. Is that Dutch? ( Dingggggg ) <b> </b><b> </b> Oh baby. Here we go. Uh momma.(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt <b> </b><b> </b> on ) Hey George hey. <b> </b> Kramer leaves <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's he going to do? That's exactly the point. Nobody knows what <b> </b><b> </b> this guy is capable of! He fires people like it is a bodily function. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him. You know <b> </b><b> </b> how these interoffice politics work. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I never had a job. <b> </b> Kramer walks in with no pants on <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I decided to go with the brown one 's. (pants) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the hell is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer's cooking up some corduroy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pisano's. That's the place by the stadium right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. You've heard of it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Newman raves about it. It's on his mail route. He goes by <b> </b><b> </b> there everyday. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll see you guys later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kind of pie are you cooking? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huckleberry. <b> </b> George at Newman's apartment <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You certainly are in a bind. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. And since you go buy there everyday. I was hoping that we <b> </b><b> </b> could help each other out. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't care for you Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b> You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just <b> </b><b> </b> it up wasting your lives. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you going to help me or not? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right, all right. I'll help you but I will except something in <b> </b><b> </b> return. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well for starters I want a calzone of my own... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a <b> </b><b> </b> week I will require a canolie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's a little steep don't you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I would hate <b> </b><b> </b> to see him when he's hungry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Do we have a deal? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I have to have them by one o'clock. He's very regiment about his <b> </b><b> </b> meals. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I know exactly how he feels. Pleasure doing business with you. Do <b> </b><b> </b> come again. Ha, ha, ha, ha. <b> </b> Todd and Elaine at a restaurant <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is nice. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Gack. Party of four. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Party of four? Who are we meeting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> Mom! Dad! This is Elaine. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hellllllooooo. <b> </b> End of dinner <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Bye mom. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> She's wonderful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What the hell was that? <b> </b><b> TODD </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why did you introduce me to your parents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> There nice people. I thought you would like them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on Todd. Admit it, this is a date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> Why is this a date? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Saturday night with your parents. Unless I'm your sister this is a <b> </b><b> </b> date. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Elaine. I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents <b> </b><b> </b> without classifying it as a date. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well if it's not a date then what is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> It's a lovely evening together. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't believe this. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Well I am getting a cab want to join me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. I'll just walk home. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Okay goodnight. ( goes to kiss her ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now what was that? <b> </b> George at Newman's apartment <b> </b> Knock, knock <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello. What 's this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week.. Um <b> </b><b> </b> shouldn't you be at work by now? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Work? It's raining. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Soooooo <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I called in sick. I don't work in the rain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't work in the rain? Your a mailman. " Neither rain nor sleet <b> </b><b> </b> nor snow..." It's the first one. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I was never that big on creeds. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You were supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route. <b> </b><b> </b> Well today I won't be going on my mail route! Will I. Perhaps tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I'm paying you! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes thank you. ( slams door ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Newman!! <b> </b> Nikki and Jerry at his apartment <b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Peru? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did. <b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what could I do? Unless you pay him a visit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Okay. <b> </b> George at Kramer's apartment <b> </b> Knock, knock <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look I need you to do me a favor. I need you to get me lunch at <b> </b><b> </b> Pisano's. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happened to Newman? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He called in sick. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah right it's raining. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can you do it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What time do you need it at? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 1:00 p.m. Do you need any money? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. I got eight tons of change. I'm loaded. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer on street <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey hold that bus! <b> </b> Kramer at Pisano's <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. It's really wet out there. <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> What can I get you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I here you make a pretty mean calzone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Calzone! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah calzone. <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> The best! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. Lay them on me. I'll take three. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Three calzones. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. That's a big oven. Huh. Listen. I was wondering if you could <b> </b><b> </b> do me a favor. <b> </b> Elaine goes to the coffee shop <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Todd. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Hi. You know Nikki. <b> </b> Elaine Yeah sure. <b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> Wait. Elaine will settle this. What's the "M" stand for in Richard <b> </b><b> </b> M. Nixon? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Milhouse. <b> </b><b> NIKKI </b> I told you so. He said it was Moe. You owe me a dinner. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer at Pisano's <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Your order is ready. Three calzones and one shirt and jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. This is all burned up. Look at this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt? What the hell is <b> </b><b> </b> this? Your paying in pennies? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's all I got. <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> No. You have to have bills. Paper money. You can't pay with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you this is all I got. <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Then no calzones. <b> </b> Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's office at Yankee Stadium <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened? Where have you been? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the hell happened to your shirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He overcooked it. It's ruined. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your clothes smell just like Pisano's. There's another Italian place <b> </b><b> </b> on Jerome. Maybe I can fool him. <b> </b> Mr. Steinbrenner at his office <b> </b><b> </b> say it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care <b> </b><b> </b> that you don't believe me or not. And how's this. Your fired. Okay your not <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He's late. That smell. I have to call you back. Costanza. He's in the <b> </b><b> </b> building. Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office. Costanza <b> </b><b> </b> ! I'll get you. <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine at apartment <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stupid cigars. You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him <b> </b><b> </b> they wouldn't be together. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> These are terrible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think it's Dutch. I got to get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I.. uh..promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But she broke up with you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I know. But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't <b> </b><b> </b> say no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It smells like a rubber fire. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I said rubber fire. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you ever pay Todd for these things? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually it's being taken care of right now. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer at Todd's apartment <b> </b> Knock, knock <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You Gack? <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here's your money. <b> </b> Kramer throws a bag full of change at him <b> </b> Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office <b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> George. Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because they were heated up there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Heating up your clothes? That's not a bad idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Calzone Script

1996-05-02

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1 </b> Written by Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in goo, from head to toe. You can't even see him. Although, I prefer that to when they have the lab coat, The clipboard and the nice glasses. Now you know you're getting screwed. (as concerned car owner) 'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic) 'You better not. It's idling quietly right now. I think it should stay overnight. We wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna keep the bill running up.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b> Mr Wilhelm is hurrying along a corridor, with George trailing in his <b> </b> wake. As Wilhelm speaks, George is making notes onto a pad and looking <b> </b> flustered. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> And you can tell the players that I reimburse the trainer for <b> </b><b> </b> The cigarettes and the dive checks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry, the players will be reimbursed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> The trainer, George. Tell the players I'll reimburse the trainer. What's the matter with you? This is the third time I've had to repeat myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry, Mr Wilhelm. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running a ball club here <b> </b><b> </b> George. You've got to pay attention. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, sir. It won't happen again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment for you... uh. <b> </b><b> </b> Wilhelm wanders across the corridor, thinking to himself, he opens the door to the men's room and strolls through. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Lemme think here. <b> </b> George starts to follow Wilhelm into the men's room, but thinks better of it. He wonders briefly what to do, then leans against the wall by the door, to await Wilhelm's return. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office) <b> </b> Elaine sits behind her desk working at her computer. Mr Peterman <b> </b><b> </b> enters. He's carrying an auction house catalogue. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Mr Peterman. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> You know what a huge fan I am of John F Kennedy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I do. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this <b> </b><b> </b> business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The pygmy pullover. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item <b> </b><b> </b> in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, they <b> </b><b> </b> capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Whatever. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> But, unfortunately I will be out of town with my lady-friend <b> </b><b> </b> And therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you would go in <b> </b><b> </b> my stead. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd be happy to. Uhm, how much <b> </b><b> </b> d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high are you willing <b> </b><b> </b> to go? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I would see no trouble in spending up to, say, ten thousand <b> </b><b> </b> dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque. <b> </b> He drops the catalogue on the surprised Elaine's desk and exits. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b> George still waits outside the men's room. He's been waiting a while. <b> </b><b> </b> He looks at his watch and decides to go in. As he enters, he finds Wilhelm <b> </b><b> </b> emerging from a stall, and still talking. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> ...when you're done George, and bring it directly to me. Mr <b> </b><b> </b> Steinbrenner is very interested in this. <b> </b> Wilhelm washes his hands, while George looks panicky and opts to bluff <b> </b><b> </b> it out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, sir. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (drying his hands and heading for the door) Yes, George. I <b> </b><b> </b> want you to make this project a top priority. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I will, sir. Top priority. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (exiting) Top priority. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Top priority. <b> </b> George throws up his arms in despair. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and George stand. George is explaining what happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He pulled an LBJ on you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> LBJ? </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No kidding? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He <b> </b><b> </b> planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even <b> </b><b> </b> know what my assignment is. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention. <b> </b><b> </b> Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him <b> </b><b> </b> you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The door opens and Kramer enters, followed by Newman. Kramer is <b> </b><b> </b> carrying a large can of some foodstuff, from which he is eating the odd morsel. Newman <b> </b><b> </b> has a pack of soda (mellow yellow?), and is swigging from one of the bottles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I have my keys... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (catching keys) ...back, please? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You shoulda come, Jerry. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We made quite a haul. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where'd you go? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Price club. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't you take your car? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman finishes his soda and drops the bottle in Jerry's bin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What're you doing. (fetching the bottle from the trash) Don't <b> </b><b> </b> throw that away. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, I'm not paying the five cents for that stupid recycling <b> </b><b> </b> thing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You don't pay five cents, you get five cents back. Here, read <b> </b><b> </b> the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New <b> </b><b> </b> York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, five cents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (taking bottle) Refund? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I don't know, they're deranged. <b> </b> Kramer and Newman sit on Jerry's couch. Kramer has TV Guide, Newman <b> </b><b> </b> Still reading the bottle. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this <b> </b><b> </b> Kennedy auction. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Awright, I'll see you later. <b> </b> George leaves. Jerry exits to the bedroom. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ten cents!? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents <b> </b><b> </b> there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for the <b> </b><b> </b> difference. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, it doesn't work. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles <b> </b><b> </b> together... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on <b> </b><b> </b> gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit <b> </b><b> </b> bottle scam again, are you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I'm off that. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You tried it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove <b> </b><b> </b> me crazy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (leaving) You two keep an eye on each other? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN/KRAMER </b> (simultaneous) No problem. You bet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry exits, shaking his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Sotheby's) <b> </b> An auction room, with several rows of seating facing a platform with a <b> </b><b> </b> lectern for the auctioneer. Many people sit or stand around, with catalogues <b> </b><b> </b> And numbered paddles for making bids. Jerry and Elaine enter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know <b> </b><b> </b> Those two idiots did something to it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my <b> </b><b> </b> God, look who's here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress. <b> </b><b> </b> Sue Ellen notices them, and comes over. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Sue Ellen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Sue Ellen. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> I'm surprised to see you here. Come to catch a glimpse of <b> </b><b> </b> high society? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to <b> </b><b> </b> bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Well, I hope you find something that fits your budget. <b> </b><b> </b> Sue Ellen walks away to her seat. Elaine and Jerry make their way to <b> </b><b> </b> their seats, <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (half under her breath and half to Jerry) I... hate that woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer and Newman are still on Jerry's couch. Kramer is watching <b> TV, </b><b> </b><b> </b> While Newman has been working something out on a pad. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got <b> </b><b> </b> permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I wanna learn. I want to know why. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Sotheby's) <b> </b> A bag of golf clubs is brought onto the platform. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) Oh. Those are handsome. <b> </b><b> </b> Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> Lot number seven forty-five. We have a full set of golf <b> </b><b> </b> clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in the famous <b> </b><b> </b> photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of the Bay of Pigs <b> </b><b> </b> invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the bidding at four <b> </b><b> </b> thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand dollars? <b> </b><b> </b> A man behind Elaine raises his paddle to bid. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> I have four thousand dollars. Do I have five? (another <b> </b><b> </b> person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars. Do I have six? Six <b> </b><b> </b> thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid) Six. I have six <b> </b><b> </b> thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred? <b> </b> Elaine raises her paddle to bid. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired person on the right. <b> </b><b> </b> We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred? <b> </b> Sue-Ellen looks thoughtful. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> The president's own golf clubs. Leisure life at Camelot. <b> </b><b> </b> Sixty-five hundred going once... <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine think they've got them. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Eight thousand. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> Eight thousand. We have eight thousand. The bid is now <b> </b><b> </b> eight thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry) What is she doing? She's starting in on the bidding <b> </b><b> </b> now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred! <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> We have eighty-five... <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Nine thousand. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> Nine thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Think she wants those clubs. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ninety-five hundred. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Ten thousand. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on the left. Ten <b> </b><b> </b> thousand going once... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's your ceiling. <b> </b><b> AUCTIONEER </b> Ten thousand going twice... <b> </b> Sue Ellen looks over at Elaine, with a smirk. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (determined) Eleven thousand! <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Twelve thousand. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (angrier) Thirteen thousand! <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Fourteen thousand. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (vicious) Fifteen thousand!! <b> </b> Jerry buries his face in his hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Car) <b> </b> Jerry is driving Elaine home. In the back seat, the golf clubs can be <b> </b><b> </b> seen. There is a persistent clunking sound coming from the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Peterman is gonna kill me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why didn't you stop me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you hear this clunking? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (listening) A little. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Car, later) <b> </b> The Saab halts outside Elaine's apartment building. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from <b> </b><b> </b> You later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alrighty, bye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye. <b> </b> Elaine leaves the car and walks away. Jerry restarts the car, when he <b> </b><b> </b> Notices steam and smoke emerging from under the hood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on here? <b> </b> Jerry gets out of the car and runs to raise the hood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh God! <b> </b> Jerry opens the hood of his car. As the smoke and steam clears, it <b> </b><b> </b> becomes clear there are a variety of comestibles arranged on and around the engine <b> </b><b> </b> compartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (angry) Oh, you idiots! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer and Newman still occupy the couch. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. You know, go lean and <b> </b><b> </b> mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he <b> </b><b> </b> is. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot about those. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said <b> </b><b> </b> I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you <b> </b><b> </b> thinking? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We ran outta space. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, Tony, he's good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He <b> </b><b> </b> makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I gotta get <b> </b><b> </b> it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Auto Shop) <b> </b> Jerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and Tony is <b> </b><b> </b> Looking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over the roof and <b> </b><b> </b> along the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I <b> </b><b> </b> thought it might be time for a check up... <b> </b> Tony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and begins <b> </b><b> </b> Ferreting about. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's really nothing wrong on the inside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I hadn't noticed. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> (accusingly) Have you been picking at it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and <b> </b><b> </b> tear. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The engine is really the only thing that needs checking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> You been rotating the tires? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Try to. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all <b> </b><b> </b> turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office) <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's twice the amount I <b> </b><b> </b> authorised you to spend. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just <b> </b><b> </b> couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her subject) You know, <b> </b><b> </b> certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts herself in <b> </b><b> </b> public without any regard... <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Well, where are they? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (ingratiatingly) They should be here today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Office) <b> </b> George stands, silently rehearsing his follow-up question. Wilhelm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> walks by the window, down the corridor. George takes the plunge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, Mr Wilhelm. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (entering the office) Yes George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, I was just uh... I just had one little question about uh, <b> </b><b> </b> My assignment. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Yes, well I trust things are moving smoothly. Mr <b> </b><b> </b> Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. No, but I really wanna <b> </b><b> </b> attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was just wondering... what <b> </b><b> </b> do you think would be the very best way to get started? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (confusion) Get started? I don't understand, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I was wondering... <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> You mean you haven't been to payroll? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Well, what's the problem? Now come on George. I told the big <b> </b><b> </b> man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down! <b> </b> Wilhelm leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Payroll!! <b> </b> George grabs his jacket, races to the door, checks Wilhelm has gone, <b> </b><b> </b> and darts off down the corridor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Payroll Office) <b> </b> A meek looking clerk sits behind a counter. George enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello there. I'm George Costanza. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Assistant to the travelling secretary. (fishing for a reaction) <b> </b><b> </b> I'm uh, working on the project. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> What project? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big payroll project. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> You're gonna have to fill me in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just look around for a little <b> </b><b> </b> while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse me, uh, you can't come <b> </b><b> </b> Back here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, I am under direct orders from Mr Wilhelm. So if you have <b> </b><b> </b> a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Well, maybe I will. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (spotting possible salvation) You know what, I urge you to take <b> </b><b> </b> it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what I'm doing <b> </b><b> </b> here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge in payroll. Uh, <b> </b><b> </b> there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is leaning across the counter, trying to hear Wilhelm's side of <b> </b><b> </b> the converstion. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to his other ear) Oh, I see. <b> </b><b> </b> (listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project. Alright, thank <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b> The clerk puts down the phone. George looks expectant. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that I doubted you. Whatever <b> </b><b> </b> you need, just uh, make yourself at home. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So he explained it all to you? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Yes, he explained it all very clearly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What'd he tell you? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (upset) Look! You were right, I was wrong! You don't have to <b> </b><b> </b> humiliate me about it, alright! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman's Apartment} <b> </b> Newman sits on his couch. He's using an old mechanical adding machine <b> </b><b> </b> and a pad to work on permutations for the 'Michigan deposit bottle scam'. There <b> </b><b> </b> are spools of used paper from the adding machine all over the table and maps of <b> </b><b> </b> the northeastern states of the US pinned up on the wall. He taps out a <b> </b><b> </b> series of number, pulls the handle and reads the result, then looks at what he's <b> </b><b> </b> written on his pad. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Damn! <b> </b> Frustrated, he sits back. He notices a framed photograph of his mother. <b> </b><b> </b> A thought occurs. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) Wait a second. <b> </b><b> </b> Mother's Day?! <b> </b> He starts typing figures into the adding machine rapidly. He mouths <b> </b><b> </b> numbers to himself, shrugging as he makes estimates. When he finishes he tears the <b> </b><b> </b> paper strip from the machine, compares it to figures on his pad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (triumphant) Yessss! <b> </b> In celebration he swigs from a bottle of soda. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ahaha! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hallway) <b> </b> Newman hurries up to Kramer's door and hammers on it with his fist. He <b> </b><b> </b> waits a few seconds, then impatiently hammers agin. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Come on Kramer! <b> </b> The door opens to reveal Kramer midway through a shave, holding a <b> </b><b> </b> razor, with <b> </b> foam on his face. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha...? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's the truck, Kramer. The truck! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office <b> </b><b> </b> sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in <b> </b><b> </b> Sagenaw, Michigan. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (interested) Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On <b> </b><b> </b> alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, <b> </b><b> </b> if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (realisation) Mother's Day. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the <b> </b><b> </b> truck. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost <b> </b><b> </b> structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (excited) We carry a coupla bags of mail, and the rest is ours! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (triumph) Let the collecting begin! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They embrace joyfully. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Montage of scenes) <b> </b> A woman puts a soda can on top of a mail box while she reaches into her <b> </b><b> </b> bag for something to post. A hand reaches from behind the box, picks up the can <b> </b><b> </b> and disappears back behind the box. The woman is flummoxed by the can's <b> </b><b> </b> disappearance. <b> </b> Newman stands nonchalantly beside a dumpster with a plastic sack <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> containing some bottles and cans. In the dumpster, Kramer roots about beneath the <b> </b><b> </b> plastic and cardboard, before coming up and handing a bottle to Newman, who drops <b> </b><b> </b> it into his sack. <b> </b> In Monk's, a waitress puts a tray of empty bottle onto a shelf behind <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer, who's eating a meal. As she leaves, he reaches behind him, takes the <b> </b><b> </b> tray and tips the bottles into another plastic sack. <b> </b> Newman stands in a doorway on the street. A homeless guy pushes a <b> </b><b> </b> shopping cart full of bottles and cans past. Newman drops a few coins onto the <b> </b><b> </b> sidewalk, attracting the attention of the homeless guy, who leaves his cart to <b> </b><b> </b> retrieve the change. Newman darts from the doorway, grabs hold of the cart and <b> </b><b> </b> races away down the street, leaving the homeless guy shaking a fist and yelling <b> </b><b> </b> after him. <b> </b> Newman finishes a bottle of soda and hands the empty to Kramer, who <b> </b><b> </b> Hands another bottle to Newman. There's a long line of empty bottles already <b> </b><b> </b> on the table and Newman's looking close to capacity. As Newman reluctantly <b> </b><b> </b> begins to drink this latest one, Kramer opens another and taps him on the <b> </b><b> </b> stomach, causing Newman to splutter and spray soda across the table. <b> </b><b> </b> A cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back of a mail <b> </b><b> </b> truck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap palms and <b> </b><b> </b> shake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle closed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's Office) <b> </b> George has his head down on his desk. Wilhelm walks jauntily along the <b> </b><b> </b> Corridor and enters the office. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> So... <b> </b> George snaps awake. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> ...did you go down to payroll? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. Very productive. Payroll... <b> </b><b> </b> Paid off. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (pleased) Well then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then, <b> </b><b> </b> huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr <b> </b><b> </b> Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really <b> </b><b> </b> necessary, you know, for the project? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown. <b> </b><b> </b> Just like the song says. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The song? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> There's your answer. Downtown. <b> </b> Wilhelm leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (thoughtful) Downtown. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George and Jerry in a booth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be <b> </b><b> </b> Going downtown? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some <b> </b><b> </b> sort of a <b> </b> meaning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, so how does it go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can <b> </b><b> </b> always go...' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> '... downtown.' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never <b> </b><b> </b> close...' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> '...downtown.' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.' <b> </b><b> </b> What's a little place that never closes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seven-eleven? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger <b> </b><b> </b> on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights are <b> </b><b> </b> pretty. The Broadway area? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, that's midtown. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your <b> </b><b> </b> troubles, forget all your cares, just go...' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> '...down town.' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Things'll be great, when you're...' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> '...downtown.' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. <b> </b><b> </b> There are movie shows...' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I <b> </b><b> </b> Should confess? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can you lose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment/Elaine's Office) <b> </b> Jerry enters. He goes to his answering machine and plays the messages. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the shop. Look, we gotta talk. You better come down, any time after four. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry looks less than happy at the prospect. The phone rings, and Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> answers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, it's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you know what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (worry) Oh no. What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I forgot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, go down and get them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. The car's at the mechanics. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick 'em up myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like an hour, if you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth street? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Auto Shop) <b> </b> Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still real intense. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Tony. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> Thanks for coming in, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those quicky lube places, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really wanna... <b> </b><b> TONY </b> Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much money is this gonna cost me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're Talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The washer fluid is fine. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> (angry) The washer fluid is not fine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> What d'you mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> Well, the car's on a lift. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, just get it down. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. Thank you, very much. <b> </b> Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Where's the car? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's bringing it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good. <b> </b> There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires and Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes Jerry and Elaine and Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the car, and at each other in astonishment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Bottle Deposit Part 1 Script

1996-05-02

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2 </b> Written by Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Auto Shop) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? What'd they say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What the hell were you thinking leaving my clubs in that car?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I didn't count on my mechanic pulling a Mary-Beth <b> </b> Whitehead, did I? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What kind of maniac is this guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a very special maniac. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why couldn't you take better care of that car?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office) <b> </b> Elaine at her desk. Peterman enters. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Well, are they here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be a bit of a snag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Snag? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It seems that a psychotic mechanic has absconded with my <b> </b> friend's car. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> What does that have to do with my clubs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They happened to be in the back seat at the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is talking with a police detective at his door. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Lemme <b> </b> ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, <b> </b> thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm gonna ask <b> </b> you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think it'll <b> </b> help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Had I been taking...? <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? <b> </b> Do you ride the clutch? Things like that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> W-well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I <b> </b> want with it. <b> </b> The detective stares at Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not that I would think of doing such things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> (making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld, we'll let you know if <b> </b> we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never end up well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's Office) <b> </b> George sits at his desk, his forehead resting on a folder he has <b> </b> clutched in his hands. Mr Wilhelm enters, looking happy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about the project... <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> That's what I came to talk to you about. Great job George. <b> </b> (shakes George's hand) You really nailed it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I did? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Oh yes, I read through it this morning. I couldn't have done <b> </b> it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner. Good work <b> </b> George. <b> </b> Wilhelm leaves. George looks stunned and confused. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> By now, George is looking much more pleased. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow <b> </b> it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it <b> </b> was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea <b> </b> who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy <b> </b> crack corn and I don't care. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mr Wilhelm's Home) <b> </b> Wilhelm sits on the couch. He has a newspaper and is talking to his <b> </b> wife, who's in another room. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> The gardener did a nice job planting the rose bushes, didn't <b> </b> he dear? <b> </b><b> MRS WILHELM </b> You planted the rose bushes, dear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> I did? <b> </b><b> MRS WILHELM </b> Yesterday. You remember. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (thinks for a moment) That's right. (pause) What's for dinner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS WILHELM </b> We just ate. Did you forget to take your medicine? <b> </b><b> </b> Wilhelm can be seen struggling to recollect. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> A still pleased looking George is fetching a drink from Jerry's fridge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The point is, however it got done, it's done. So, any luck with <b> </b> the car? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I <b> </b> just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They don't consider it stolen, if you wilfully give the guy the <b> </b> keys. <b> </b> The door opens and Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to George) Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're looking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta go. <b> </b> George leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'hello. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> Mr Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> It's Detective McMahon... <b> </b> Elaine looks quizzical. Jerry mouths, 'It's the police' <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> ...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38. Ah, I think you'd <b> </b> better get down here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have found the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (makes surprise noise) Are the clubs in it? Ask him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are there golf clubs in the back? <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> We really can't tell. You better bring your service <b> </b> records. <b> </b><b> </b> (Pier 38 Warehouse) <b> </b> The interior of the warehouse is gloomy and dank. There are cars and <b> </b> parts of cars arranged round the area, together with tools, welding gear, etc. <b> </b> Detective McMahon stands beside a car-shaped object hidden under a white sheet. <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are led in by a young patrolman who looks queasy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> YOUNG COP </b> Watch where you step. There's quite a bit of... grease. <b> </b> Detective, Jerry Seinfeld is here. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> How d'you do. Thanks for coming down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indicating) This is Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (explaining) We used to date, but now we're just friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> I see. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> I'm sorry to make you go through this, but we need to make <b> </b> sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what's going on? What is this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> One of our patrolmen stumbled over this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He lifts the sheet, revealing what's beneath to Jerry and Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and covers her mouth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God! <b> </b> The young patrolman removes his cap out of respect for the victim. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> The block is nearly split apart. We found the overhead cams <b> </b> thirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, my God. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> And we know it's a Saab. The angle on the Vee-6 is <b> </b> definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because the drive train is <b> </b> all burnt out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that smell? <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> Look at the clutch. <b> </b> They look. Jerry and Elaine don't like what they see. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uuh. <b> </b> The patrolman cracks and leaves hurriedly, looking nauseous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> YOUNG COP </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> Whoever did this didn't just dismantle it. I mean, they took <b> </b> their time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went out of their <b> </b> way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated from the <b> </b> housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> Your car's not a turbo? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's a turbo, Elaine, a <b> </b> turbo! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry hug in happiness. In the background, another woman <b> </b> arrives. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Excuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo nine-thousand? Is it... <b> </b> (voice breaking) midnight blue? <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> (condolences) Yes ma'am. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mail Truck) <b> </b> Newman drives as he and Kramer give voice to their happiness. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER/NEWMAN </b> (singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine <b> </b> bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles <b> </b> and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five <b> </b> hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in <b> </b> the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. <b> </b> We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!... <b> </b> Their singing ends shambolically as they lose track of the lyrics. But <b> </b> the pair still look gleeful. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment/Jerry's car) <b> </b> The phone rings in Jerry's apartment. He picks it up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> Hey Jerry, it's Tony. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tony, where are you? <b> </b> The Saab is driving down a quiet country road at night. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her <b> </b> all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's nothing <b> </b> to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you. <b> </b><b> </b> Tony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry can hear the engine noise over the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tony, y-you better bring that car back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> (angry) Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from <b> </b> me, I don't forget that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tony, it is my car, and I want it back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TONY </b> Oh, your car. You want your car back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tony. <b> </b><b> TONY </b> Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But <b> </b> this engine's running on my sweat and my blood. <b> </b> Tony hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (exasperated) Where do I find these guys? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mail Truck) <b> </b> Kramer is driving the truck along a highway in daylight. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> How much gas we got? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Three quarters of a tank. <b> </b> Newman punches the numbers into a calculator. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's better than we estimated. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two cents better. <b> </b><b> </b> They give a smug little laugh. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, no, that's not in the budget. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a <b> </b> good investment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's not a good investment, that's a loss. <b> </b><b> </b> A convertible black Saab passes the mail truck. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check <b> </b> out that license plate. <b> </b> He accelerates the mail truck to close on the Saab, and leans forward, <b> </b> straining to make out the plate. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, those are New York plates. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Is that Jerry's number? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know, but that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are <b> </b> pretty good odds. <b> </b> Kramer reaches under his seat, rummaging for something. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What're you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm calling Jerry. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> On what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Brought my phone. <b> </b> He pulls out his mobile and hits the speed dial for Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment/Mail Truck) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering phone) Y'hello. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence plate number? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why, what's up? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well I think I spotted your car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for his wallet) Hang on a <b> </b> second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's it! That's it. Hey, <b> </b> uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought it to the country. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well we're in the country and we're right on his tail. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good work Kramer, this is incredible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right on this guy like stink on <b> </b> a monkey! I'll check back with you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office/Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> The phone rings in Elaine's office. She answers it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my god, where is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's somewhere in the country, they're following 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are the clubs there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm waiting for them to call <b> </b> me back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, I'm heading over right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine enters at a rush. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the status? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Last check-in, they were still on him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, have they called the police yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, they won't call the police. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're afraid they'll get in trouble for misusing a mail truck. <b> </b> Kramer doesn't want a record. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer has a record. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not a Federal record. <b> </b> The phone rings. Jerry grabs the handset by the couch, Elaine picks up <b> </b> in the kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE/JERRY </b> Kramer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, nothing. We're still following him. <b> </b><b> </b> Ahead of the truck, the black Saab indicates his intention to move onto <b> </b> the off-ramp. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah, he's gonna be going <b> </b> south on the one-thirty-five. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Keep following him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright, I'll follow him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey, we can't follow him, we're going north to Michigan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna be taking us out of our <b> </b> way. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I need those clubs. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I want my car. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't know what to do. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles here. I mean, this guy <b> </b> could be going to Arkansas. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Keep following him Kramer. don't let me down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we can't afford a detour. Our <b> </b> budget won't hold it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't know what to do man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE/JERRY </b> Right. Go right!/South! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm gonna go on the ramp. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer swerves onto the off-ramp at the last moment. Tyres squeal and <b> </b> the truck sways. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mail Truck) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I hope you realise what you've done. You've destroyed our whole <b> </b> venture. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This ramp is steep. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All my work, my planning, my genius. All for nought. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, look, we're pulling too much weight. He's getting away <b> </b> from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel. <b> </b> Newman reaches across and takes the steering wheel as Kramer gets out <b> </b> of the driving seat. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What're you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (climbing though into the back of the truck) I'm gonna get <b> </b> something. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Are you crazy? <b> </b> The truck swerves as Newman slides into the driving seat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Keep your foot on the gas. <b> </b> Kramer shoves his way through the sackloads of bottles and cans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey! You're not dumping those bottles back there, are you? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer slides open the rear door of the truck. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value! We could cut our <b> </b> losses. <b> </b> Kramer grabs a sack and heaves it out the back of the truck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look out below!! <b> </b> Car horns can be heard as the sack lands in the carriageway. Kramer <b> </b> grabs another sack and hurls that out, with another yelled warning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Steinbrenner's Office) <b> </b> Steinbrenner sits behind his desk. He's examining something on his <b> </b> desktop with a large powerful magnifying glass. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> (to himself) With this magnifying glass, I feel like a <b> </b> scientist. <b> </b> There is a tap at the door, and George cautiously enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wanted to see me, sir? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Ah, come in George, come in. <b> </b> George strolls up to Big Stein's desk, looking more confident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Uh, Wilhelm gave me this project you worked on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiling) Yes sir. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal <b> </b> problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (wondering where this is leading) No sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? <b> </b> You on the pipe? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worried now) No sir. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause I got a flash for <b> </b> you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What're.. What're you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> George, I've read this report. It's very troubling, very <b> </b> troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here. <b> </b> Two burly guys who are clearly medical orderlies come into the room <b> </b> behind George. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Okay, come on boys, come on in here. George, this is Herb <b> </b> and Dan. <b> </b> George regards the two guys, very nervously as they approach him and <b> </b> stand behind him, one on either shoulder. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can <b> </b> get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there <b> </b> for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They <b> </b> completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Herb and Dan take hold of George's arms. George gets panicky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that report. That, that's not <b> </b> mine. <b> </b> Herb and Dan begin to drag the struggling George across the office <b> </b><b> </b> toward the door. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Of course you didn't George. Of course you didn't write <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got <b> </b> done, but it did. <b> </b> As Herb and Dan haul George through the door, George makes his last <b> </b> stand, trying to get a hold on the doorframe with his feet. Eventually he is <b> </b> dragged out into the corridor and vanishes from view. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the <b> </b> time, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your job'll be waiting <b> </b> for you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get better George. <b> </b> Get better! <b> </b><b> </b> (Mail Truck) <b> </b> The Saab travels down a quiet country road at night, followed by the <b> </b> mail truck. Kramer is driving, Newman looks furious in the passenger seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (frustrated) Damn. I don't understand this. I've ditched every <b> </b> bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He looks across at the substantial bulk of Newman and a thought occurs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...sluggish. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I went through all those bottles and all those cans, for what? <b> </b> What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (perks up) A pie stand? Where? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred yards back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will ya. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer pulls the truck into the roadside. As it halts, Newman sticks <b> </b> his head out the window to peer back down the road. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Where? I..I..I don't see it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well open the door, you get a better look. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman slides back the door and leans out. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I don't see any pie... <b> </b> Kramer plants his foot firmly in Newman's backside and heaves him out <b> </b> of the truck. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...Aargh! <b> </b> As Newman lands heavily in the verge, Kramer slides the door shut and <b> </b> drives away. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kramer!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (after speeding truck) Kramer!! <b> </b> In the mail truck, Kramer picks up his phone and redials. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat man, and we're running <b> </b> lean. We're back on track, buddy! <b> </b><b> </b> (Country Roadside) <b> </b> Newman wanders forlornly along the roadside at night. He tries to thumb <b> </b> a ride from passing traffic, displaying his uniform insignia to drivers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Federal employee. Federal employee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Aside from a few blaring car horns, he gets no response. He continues <b> </b><b> </b> his trudge, a sour look on his face. <b> </b> (Countryside) <b> </b> Newman struggles up a steep slope. <b> </b> Newman pushes his way through a field of crops. He emerges from the <b> </b> vegetation and sees a farmhouse, its lights blazing. His face lights up. He <b> </b> stumbles towards the welcoming lights, tripping and falling, before picking <b> </b> himself up and running up to the building. <b> </b> (Farm) <b> </b> Newman reaches the steps to the porch and stumbles up them. As he <b> </b> reaches the door, a scent catches his attention. Looking to the window, he sees a <b> </b> pie left out on the window sill to cool. A craftier look comes to his face. He <b> </b> turns back to the door and knocks. After a few seconds, it opens. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FARMER </b> Hello stranger. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm sorry to bother you, but <b> </b> I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of <b> </b> backwoods mail-hating survivalists. <b> </b><b> FARMER </b> Calm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry, we'll take care of you. <b> </b> This farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have. Hot bath, <b> </b> hearty meal, clean bed. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, thank you, sir. <b> </b><b> FARMER </b> Just have one rule. Keep your hands off my daughter. <b> </b><b> </b> Just then, the daughter in question slinks up behind the farmer. <b> </b><b> </b> Blonde, twenty-ish, just one walking temptation. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer has the mail truck right behind Jerry's Saab as they race along <b> </b> a quiet country road. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's <b> </b> running scared, buddy. <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, each with a phone handset. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's the gas situation? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (checks dial) I got enough to get to Memphis. <b> </b><b> </b> In front of him, Tony reaches into the back seat of the Saab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's reaching in back. He's grabbing at something. <b> </b><b> </b> Tony extracts a long, metallic object from behind himself. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Duck, Kramer! Duck! <b> </b> Kramer crouches as far as he can. Tony flings the object at Kramer's <b> </b><b> </b> mail truck. It crashes against the windshield and bounces away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw a golf club at me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Those are JFK's golf clubs! <b> </b> Tony hurls another club at the mail truck. Again, it bounces off the <b> </b> windshield, leaving some cracks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club hits) I'm under heavy <b> </b> fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers at the Saab) Oh no, <b> </b> he's taking out the woods! <b> </b> Tony flings a heavy wood at the truck. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (noise) <b> </b> The Saab leads the truck down the road, with Tony hurling club after <b> </b> club over his shoulder and into the front of the truck. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (yelling at Tony) You'll have to do a lot better than that! <b> </b><b> </b> Tony hurls the golf bag at the truck. It slams solidly against the <b> </b> windshield, Kramer flinches, the truck swerves. The front wheel runs over a club on <b> </b> the tarmac and the tyre bursts. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (hearing the noises) What's happening! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The truck is rattling and lurching as it struggles along the road. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This truck is dying. We're losing him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The Saab easily outpaces the truck and accelerates away. The truck <b> </b> staggers to a halt, giving out a death rattle. A cloud of steam and smoke erupts from <b> </b> under the hood. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think we lost him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (disappointment) Dammit! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (quietly) Can you stop and pick up those clubs Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry hangs up. <b> </b><b> </b> (Country) <b> </b> Kramer climbs out of the truck and looks back down the road. He kicks <b> </b> the deflated tyre. Coming to the front of the truck, he picks a club off <b> </b> the front bumper and pulls the broken shaft of another out of the radiator <b> </b> grille. <b> </b> Kramer walks along the road with the bent and broken clubs. He comes <b> </b> upon the bag and transfers the clubs into it. Slinging it over his shoulder, he <b> </b> continues on his way, picking up more battered golf clubs as he goes. <b> </b><b> </b> (Farm) <b> </b> Newman, the farmer and the farmer's daughter sit round the kitchen <b> </b><b> </b> table. They are working their way through a generous meal. <b> </b><b> FARMER </b> Enjoy that mutton? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (mouth full) It's delicious mutton. This is uh, this is outta <b> </b> sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The farmer's daughter is staring at Newman and toying with her fork, <b> </b> touching it to her lips and teeth. (It's difficult to be arousing with cutlery, but <b> </b> she's giving it a pretty good shot.) Newman notices this and tries to take a <b> </b> nonchalant sip from a glass, but it goes down the wrong way and he <b> </b> splutters. <b> </b><b> FARMER </b> That cider too strong for you? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No, no. I love strong cider. (for the farmer's daughter's <b> </b> benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy. <b> </b> The farmer's daughter licks her lips. <b> </b><b> FARMER </b> Gonna be milking Holsteins in the morning, if you'd like to <b> </b> lend a hand. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (reluctant) You know, I don't really know that much about uh.. <b> </b> I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARMER </b> Ahh, Susie here'll teach you. <b> </b> The farmer's daughter goes wide eyed. <b> </b><b> FARMER </b> Just gotta pull on the teat a little. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Susie and Newman half-laugh nervously. <b> </b><b> SUSIE </b> (suggestive) Nice having a big, strong, man around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You know, those mail bags, they get mighty heavy. I uh, I <b> </b> Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest) <b> </b> The farmer looks at him oddly. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (breaking from his pose) Can I have some gravy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Institution) <b> </b> George is using a payphone in the corner of the room. His free hand is <b> </b> holding the waistband of his trousers. In the background are a couple of <b> </b> inmates and visitors, and an orderly. Notable among them are Pop and Deena Lazzari, <b> </b> previously seen in 'The Gum'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> I'll be back same time next week, Pop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (quieter desperation) They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing <b> </b> to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here now! Just tell 'em <b> </b> what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Deena spots George as she makes her way out of the room. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> George? <b> </b> George looks like his salvation has arrived. He hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEENA </b> I see you're finally getting some help. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're <b> </b> here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. <b> </b> You know that I don't belong in here. <b> </b><b> DEENA </b> George, this is the best thing for you. (she walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no! <b> </b> As he tries to follow Deena, the orderly grabs hold of him and <b> </b><b> </b> restrains him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is almost in tears and hops from foot to foot in frustration as <b> </b> the orderly holds him. Pop Lazzari wanders over. <b> </b><b> POP </b> Is that little Georgie C? How's the folks? You still got that nice <b> </b> little car? <b> </b><b> </b> (Countryside) <b> </b> Kramer approaches a familiar farmhouse. As he mounts the steps up to <b> </b> the porch, a commotion erupts inside the place. A gunshot rings out and the <b> </b> farmer's daughter screams. Kramer flinches. The farmer can be heard yelling <b> </b> angrily. The door is flung open and Newman runs out pulling up his trousers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What you doing?! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me! Help me! <b> </b><b> </b> Newman sets off running. From the door of the farmhouse comes the <b> </b> farmer, armed with a shotgun, closely followed by his daughter, whose shirt is undone <b> </b> and hair is dishevelled. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (takes one look and sets off after Newman) Jeez! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARMER </b> (taking aim) I told you to keep away from my daughter! <b> </b><b> </b> As Kramer and Newman reach the edge of the crops, the farmer fires a <b> </b> shot. Both Newman and Kramer leap in the air and run into the cover of the crop. <b> </b> Before the farmer can fire again, his daughter pushes the barrel of the shotgun <b> </b> downward, spoiling his aim. <b> </b><b> SUSIE </b> No daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him! (waving after Newman) Goodbye Norman, goodbye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office) <b> </b> Elaine is sitting with her head in her hands. Peterman enters at a rush. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (excited) Elaine! You found the clubs. That's wonderful news. Where are they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme get 'em for you, Mr Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend, with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine puts the bag of clubs down beside Peterman. The clubs are, of course, wrecked. Elaine looks like she's expecting a poor reaction. Peterman picks up a club or two, staring in disbelief at the twisted metal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The uh, the letter of, authenticity's in the side pocket there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (spotting a chance to keep her job) Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (she laughs nervously) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> See you on Monday. <b> </b> Peterman picks up the bag and heads for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have a good game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Bottle Deposit Part 2 Script

1996-05-09

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE WAIT OUT </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Coffee Shop) <b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> New hairdo? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Looking up from a menu) Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You look like Brenda Starr. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is that good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's better than Dondi. <b> </b> (Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a table across the room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks over at the table. A man and a woman are dining) David and Beth Lookner. (Leaning in for confidentiality) You know, I heard a rumor their marriage was a little rocky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Interested, still looking at the couple) Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm-hmm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I have a little thing for Beth Lookner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I have to admit, I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks, making a clicking sound with her tongue) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage for three years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages, but this is the one I really had my eye on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George enters, somewhat annoyed. He's gesturing to the parking lot) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This car out there is taking up, like, three parking spaces. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry moves over, making room for George to sit) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune) that's mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You have a car? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, my friend, Alyse, lent it to me for the week. She's out of town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Noting) You know, I've never seen you drive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me either. <b> </b> (David and Beth Lookner, on their way out, approach the booth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETH </b> (Unsure as to whether it's him or not) Jerry? Elaine, Hi! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Overly generous) Hi, David! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Beth! <b> </b><b> BETH </b> Oh, uh, George, (Introducing to two) this is my husband, David. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, hi.. (They shake hands) <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Hello. So, George, uh, you're the one who works for the Yankees, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Why, what do you do? <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used to be Don Mattingly's doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> BETH </b> Mm-hm. <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughs slightly) A physician married to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot better than him. <b> </b><b> </b> (George and Elaine both laugh out loud. Beth and David look at each other, taking in the awkward moment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's in the kitchen. Kramer slides in, followed by Mickey. Mickey's reading a script) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to be in the Actor's Studio tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a method, Jerry. It's intense. (Clicks his tongue) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Kramer's going to be my scene partner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> He doesn't have to say anything, he just has to sit there. I'm playing a detective. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and I'm playing a business man accused of murder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and run some errands. So.. (Goes for his coat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the script) Yeah, well, I was a different man then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement) With a different body. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mickey visibly rolls his eyes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ehh, I dunno.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting upset) You think that I'm not able to wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're sayin'? Because if that's what you're <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs. Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer points a finger at him) Don't think I won't, Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's car) <b> </b> (Elaine is obviously an incredibly bad driver. Jerry, in the passenger's seat, looks car sick) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> God, it is so great to drive again. I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves to the right, then yells out of her window) How about a left turn signal, ya moron?! <b> </b><b> </b> (Looks ahead, then breaks suddenly) Woah.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's the worst driver. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what? On my first road test, I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking) I think it was a golden retriever. No, no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab. (Picks <b> </b><b> </b> up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before hitting a man crossing the street) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Once again, the audience hears his thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna vomit! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's expression changes as she's listening to her messages) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called - David and Beth got separated last night! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Out of it) Huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks, stopping traffic) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's coffee shop) <b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry sitting across from each other in a booth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, now, what is our move? What do we do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, but we don't have much time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Agreeing) Mm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The city's probably teeming with people who've been waiting out that marriage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's like when someone dies in a rent controlled building - you gotta take immediate action. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeeah, but David and Beth are going to need their grieving time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Their grieving time is a luxury I can't afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and if you want a clean shot at David, I suggest you do likewise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Nodding) Yeah, yeah.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But we gotta make it seem like we're not calling for dates. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then why are we calling? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good question. (More to himself than to Elaine) Why are we calling? <b> </b><b> </b> (Both start chanting "why are we calling..", thinking deeply) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Loud) Oh! (Jerry has a surprised look) I've got it! I've got it! We're calling just to say, "I'm there for you." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Nodding, trying it out) "I'm there for you." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then, after a period of being "there for you", we slowly remove the two words "for you", and we're just (Makes a "ta-da!" gesture) "there". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday? They got separated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think it had anything to do with what I said, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What'd you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, that, that thing about her being too good for him. I mean, I was just bein' folksy. They could tell I was just being folksy..? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I thought you were being folksy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Totally folksy. <b> </b> (Kramer enters wearing a new pair of jeans. They're obviously way too small. Unable to bend his knees, he walks awkwardly into the room. Elaine, Jerry, and <b> </b><b> </b> George are speechless - staring at him. Kramer walks past them, and attempts to pick a magazine off the table, but does so with great difficulty. Jerry starts to laugh <b> </b><b> </b> as Kramer throws the magazine back down) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little) what'd you get there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah, I bought Dungarees. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, they're painted on! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, they're slim-fit. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Slim-fit? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're walkin' like Frankenstein! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Making his way toward the door) What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut behind him) Alright, see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Everyone stares after him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's apartment) <b> </b> (Sitting up on her bed, she's on the phone with David Lookner) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Jerry - he's on the phone with Beth) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief pause) So, have you told many.. people yet? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene jumps back to Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because it's really nobody's business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Back to Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, I just called to tell you that, I'm there for you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Cut back to Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "There" is, um.. anywhere you want me to be.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Back to Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, dinner would be fine. <b> </b> (Back to Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I could just be there. (Adding) For you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene takes a final cut back to Jerry. Kramer enters, still in his pants, as Jerry hangs up. Kramer's frantic) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you gotta help me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's wrong? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's audition is in twenty minutes! You know, I'm supposed to be a business man, I gotta be in costume! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll help you get them off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah, I already did it. It won't come off. The zipper's suck.. <b> </b><b> </b> </pre>>

The Wait Out Script

1996-05-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE INVITATIONS </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think that if the wedding invitations were left up to the men, we'd just drive around sticking flyers in windshields ...y' know... Not even typed up either, just Magic Marker, Zerox, you know...Party!!.. What's needed is a divorce announcement; Mr and Mrs Fred Johnson are requesting the honour of your presence at the "returning" of their daughter back to Mr,and Mrs Fred Johnson. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Melody Stationeries) <b> </b> Susan and George walk into the store and go up the sales clerk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Hi.. May I help you? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yes, we'd like some wedding invitations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Ohh! Well...Congratulations <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (happily) Thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (mildly embarrassed) yeah.. Thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> When 's the wedding? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> June <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> late June. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Oh! Well, we have quite a few to pick from ( turns around and picks up a huge binder) <b> </b><b> </b> They're arranged in order of price , the most expensive are in the front. <b> </b><b> </b> George takes the binder and feigns browsing and flips right to the last page. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He..hmmm. humm...What about this one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Hmmm,..to tell you the truth they haven't manufactured that one for a number of years. <b> </b><b> </b> I might have couple of boxes left in our warehouse in New Jersey. I'd have to check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh! no. George that's so ugly we don't want that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the difference you just read it and mail it right back. These we'll do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Why don't they make'em anymore? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Well.. For one thing the glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture to make them stick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So we pick up some Elmers <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (disappointed)All right. You see what I do for you. <b> </b><b> </b> Scene cuts to the street as Susan and George are about to get into a cab. Kramer happens to walk by. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! George.....Lily.. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> No. Susan. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No It's Lily <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I think I know my own name. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Susan <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (lost for words) Well you look like a Lily... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Scene cuts to Jerry's apt. George walks in . Jerry is coming out of his bedroom twiddling scissors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's coming Jerry, it's coming. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's coming? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Day.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahhh...The Day.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We ordered the wedding invitations today,, Nothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's here! It's <b> </b><b> </b> happening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look at me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic) <b> </b><b> </b> Help me Jerry , help me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> why don't you just break it off with her. tell her it's over <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b> George; 'Cause I can't face that scene. You know what kind of scene that would be? i'd rather be unhappy <b> </b><b> </b> for the rest of my life than go through something like that. (forceful) I CAN'T, I CAN'T. <b> </b><b> </b> I tried to psyche myself up a million times I cannot go through that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right take it easy, just take it easy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about a letter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A letter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I...I...write a letter and then I..I go to China. I disappear in a sea of people for like <b> </b><b> </b> six months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm.. Ehm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b> I made a terrible mistake. I'm really , really sorry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Too short? <b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Seems a little short, yeah.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't go to China What about your job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My Job..arghhh <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So write a letter.. move to another...move to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend in a sea of people in <b> </b><b> </b> Staten Island than China believe me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about my clothes ,how do I get the rest of the clothes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aagh! You come back for your clothes <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not going back in there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So forget about your clothes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I'm not starting up a whole new wardrobe now!!! <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry; Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no freedom with clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If she'd just take a plane somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what, hope for a crash? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It happens. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what the odds are on a crash it's a million to one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's something . It's hope. <b> </b> Elaine comes through the door <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie. You know what I just realized; the wedding is like a month <b> </b><b> </b> away.ha..haa.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Euhh...Elaine.... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?...Oh! by the way. What am I going to be in the wedding party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well Jerry's gonna be the best man and Kramer's gonna be the usher so what am I gonna be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. I don't think you're anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wel...I have to be something. I 'm a close friend....What about being a bridesmaid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Those are Susan's friends. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well then...aaahh how about being an usher? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well...I'll ask Susan about it later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't ask.. You tell. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ( to Jerry) What about the letter, should I think about the letter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a relationship with you . What could he do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Start smoking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Smoking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does she hate cigarettes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, she hates cigarettes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you don't smoke. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nooooooo...... <b> </b> Scene cuts to Jerry and Elaine walking <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I think I'm getting a little depressed about George's wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Well once he gets married that's it, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll move to Westchester. <b> </b><b> </b> I'll never see him again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! You're probably right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm getting out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So it's just gonna be me and Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep! just you and Kramer. <b> </b> Elaine walks away <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See you ... me and Kramer... <b> </b> Daydreaming sequence set in Jerry's apt. in a probable future. Kramer pops in. They look a <b> </b><b> </b> little older. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see <b> </b><b> </b> the traffic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking through a periscope? Besides it's not a submarine <b> </b><b> </b> and there's no room for a periscope in a car. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh! You make a higher roof. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're not making higher roofs. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> why can't you make a higher roof. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand It's stupid ,stupid... <b> </b><b> </b> As Jerry slowly comes out of his doze he is about to cross the street as a car comes to him at high speed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> .....Stupid , stupid. <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Hey! Hey! Look out. (she pulls him back saving his life.) OK!, Are you okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Shouldn't there be some kind of reward for that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> oh! thank you. <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> You know you should be a lot more careful crossing the street like that, otherwise you could die.. <b> </b><b> </b> If that bothers you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I... <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> You see..(points to his collar) To me this is a waste. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> The shirt you got on under your sweather.It sits for three weeks in your drawer, waiting to come <b> </b><b> </b> out. and when it finally does . It sticks up only half an inch out of your collar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Jeannie Steinman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Same initials . How do you like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> I like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Susan at their apt. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen I was talking to Elaine today and she said she'd would really like to be an usher at the <b> </b><b> </b> wedding <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> No. Out of the question. I don't want any women ushers at my wedding and while we're on the <b> </b><b> </b> subject, Kramer is not an usher either. <b> </b> George; Why not? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> He doesn't even know my name. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That was an honest mistake. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Nah! He's too weird he'd fall or something. He'd ruin the whole ceremony. <b> </b><b> </b> George takes out a pack of cigarettes and pulls one out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! You're right.. You're probably right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Whadda doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shrugs and lights it up) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Since when do you smoke? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (coughs) I've always smoked. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I've never seen you smoke. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeeah.. well , Big smoker... I (coughs some more) gave it up for a while but it was too tough. <b> </b><b> </b> Y' know.....I got no will power. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I don't like this one bit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well(coughs) I can't stop now...(coughs) I'm addicted...(words missing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well you are gonna have to quit. <b> </b> George sprints to the bathroom <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my god.... <b> </b> At Monks. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Menus? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I know what I want. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> The usual? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah., <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> And for you? <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> I'll have a bowl of Cheerios , not to much milk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Ok Two bowls of Cheerios. <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> You too.?... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah!!! <b> </b> At Jerry's. Kramer comes in Jerry is on the couch. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Did you hear the bank on the corner is offering a 100 dollars if you go in there and they <b> </b><b> </b> don't greet you with a hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh! Really .That's nice. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now what's with you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I'm in love. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No it's true. This woman saved my life. I was crossing the street .I was almost hit by a car...and then <b> </b><b> </b> we talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If a guy saved your life you'd be in love with him too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no this woman is different , she's incredible. she's just like me. She talks like me, she acts like me. <b> </b><b> </b> She even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same initials. Wait a minute, I just realised <b> </b><b> </b> what's going on. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now I know what I've been looking for all these years......myself! (Kramer is speechless) <b> </b><b> </b> I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself off my feet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You stop it man.. you're FREAKING ME <b> OUT!!! </b><b> </b><b> </b> At the HOME FEDERAL SAVINGS BANK Kramer walks up to a teller. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! wait a second. You didn't say hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Yes I did <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no you didn't ...Hundred dollars.. I get a hundred dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> No, No I said Hello. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, No You said Hey! <b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Well.. Hey! is Hello, same thing. <b> </b> Kramer; The add said that the bank's gonna pay a hundred dollars if you are not greeted with a hello <b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> You're taking that much to literally. Now sir , do you have any business to transact. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I want to speak to the manager. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Well, He's not here right now. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Then I'll be back. <b> </b> In Jerry's hallway <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So I'm not gonna be an usher? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So I'm nothing. Jerry is best man , Kramer is an usher and I am nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well Kramer's not an usher anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer; What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You've been demoted. <b> </b> Kramer; Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because you called her by the wrong name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But she really looks like a Lily <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry ( as they come into the apt.) Jerry, Susan says I can't be an usher at he wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. me neither. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (shrugs) Hey George I think I want to bring a date to the wedding <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who!!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just met her, she's incredible. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aaawh...This is GREAT!!.....Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles table with all the losers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can go with Kramer <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No , no no no no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you see what this is turning in to? Do I need this. I have to get out of this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you try the cigarettes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah.. They made me sick. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, All right. Lets get down here. You really want to get out of this thing ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. I got two words for you; Pre-Nup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ask her to sign a pre-nup. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What does that do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because most women when they're asked to sign a pre-nup are so offended they back out of the marriage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They are?... Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wouldn't sign one. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pre-nup of course ..Kramer.... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Get out of here. <b> </b> George and Susan at their apt. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi. Hey I've been going over the list .What about The Drake? Wanna invite him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Got to invite The Drake. Listen hem...there's something that's been on my mind and <b> </b><b> </b> we haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I I ..put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptual agreement. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> A pre-nup? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (burst out laughing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's so funny? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ha.Ha.Ha. ha...You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. ha. ha. ha. <b> </b><b> </b> Yeah.. give me the papers I'll sign 'em.( she leaves) a pre-nup... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cheesy scenes of Jerry and Jeannie enjoying each other in the park , at the grocery store, comparing <b> </b><b> </b> comic books and making out. Interrupted by Kramer as he slams into Jerry's locked door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me.( gets up and opens the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry.... hey Jeannie. <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Remember I told you about the bank? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah well I went in there and they said Hey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey is the same thing as hello. What do you think Jeannie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Yeah I think it's the same thing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! Big surprise ( he leaves frustrated) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Scene takes us to George's again. We hear a buzzer. <b> </b><b> DELIVERY MAN </b> Delivery from Melody Stationaries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh those are the invitations. <b> </b><b> DELIVERY MAN </b> Just sign there. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> yeah! Thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See ya later. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Urgh.. these are so cheap. (as George leaves) And don't forget tommorrow we're <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> going shopping for some rings, so don't make any plans...and this time we're not skimping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> To Jerry's again <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jeannie left? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah , she's coming to see my act tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure that's right up her alley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nothin' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Something on your mind? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Looks like there is? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Something's on your mind. Out with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't like her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't like her? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right I don't like , I never like her from the get-go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's wrong with her? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Everything she thinks. you think. Everything you think she thinks. No I can't take it. <b> </b><b> </b> I can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you can't take her maybe you can't take me either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So THAT's how it's going to be <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's how it's gonna be. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> OH! GOD HELP US!!! </b> <b> </b> Susan licking envelopes <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Eurk.. Awful <b> </b> Jerry at the pier watching lovers and families considering his future and we get another look <b> </b><b> </b> at Susan licking her envelopes, getting nauseous. <b> </b> Back to the Federal Home Savings Bank <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> May i help you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. uh..I was in here the other day and I went up to that teller and he didn't say hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Then you are entitled to a hundred dollars. That's our policy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> yeah., but he wouldn't give me the money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Hehummm.. JIM...Can I see you for a second <b> </b><b> </b><b> JIM </b> Uh.. yes can you give me a minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Manager; Yea....hum......He'll be. hum.. right over.(awkward pause) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (knocks on desk) Is thi oak? <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> 'think it's pine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pine is good. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Yeah. pine's okay. <b> </b> Jim the teller walks over <b> </b><b> JIM </b> You want to see me <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Yeah... Hum..Jim , a man here says came in the other day , you didn't say hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JIM </b> No ,No that's not true, I said Hey! you know like a friendly greeting, Hey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But that's not Hello. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> That's a tough one. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uhummm... <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> You know what , let me bring some other people in on this...Barbara ,Jane , Mike Can I see you please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> How you doin'? <b> </b><b> JANE </b> What's happening? <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> What's up? <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> ( to kramer) Can you excuse us for one minute . Just one minute. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer gets up a little confused and walks away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Thanks.( they huddle) <b> </b><b> SOME GUY </b> How's it going? <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Thanks, thanks everybody.( they leave) Sir , have a seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling. You got a greeting starts with an H how's twenty bucks sound. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll take it. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> awright sir ( they shake hands) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Scene cuts to the Improv as Jerry walks into the club and sees Jeannie sitting at a table <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Will you marry me? <b> </b> Susan licks her last envelope and collapses. George is walking down a street looking depressed. <b> </b><b> </b> We go back to the Improv. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would like to propose a toast....Wait a second.. George!, George Costanza come in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Georgie boy.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, big news; I'm getting married!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Married , What!(astounded) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> September 21st, first day of Autumn. Leaves changing colours.. Beautiful colors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> ... all that crap. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see , I kept up my end of the pact. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good for you (sympathetic) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey look , Champagne.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hehehe. .(feebly) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To our future wives....yeah... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George returns home only to find..... Scene then cuts to Monks with Jerry and Jeannie arriving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it's been quite a night I could sure use a cup of coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Hey! what's the deal with decaf; how do they get the caffeine out of there and then <b> </b><b> </b> where does it go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (weakly) I dunno <b> </b> A guy suddenly gets up to leave then falls on the ground. <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> That's a shame.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to waitress) I' ll just have a cup of coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Bowl of Corn flakes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> More cereals? that's your third bowl today, you had it for breakfast and lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> Hey! So what's the deal with brunch , I mean that if it's a combination of breakfast and lunch. <b> </b><b> </b> How comes there's no lupper or no linner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to Jerry's , Kramer comes in.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks , thanks <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look I'm sorry about before....I mean I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah , yeah . <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon , c'mon what's the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I may have made a big mistake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is; I can't be with someone like me.. <b> </b><b> </b> I hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite of me....It's too much. .It's too Much <b> </b><b> </b> I can't take it ...I can't take it!!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (mocking) Too bad you got engaged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! Too bad. <b> </b> Phone rings, Jerry picks it up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. Oh! Hi George.......What! ..really! All right I'll call Elaine , we'll meet you down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They just took Susan to the Hospital <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At the hospital. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she was just lying there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tsss...Yeah.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wonder what happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know....hmmm ha! here's the doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Excuse me , Are you the husband? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well , not yet.. Fiancé. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well , I'm sorry.....She's gone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> .........What's that?... <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> She expired. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...Are you sure? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Yes , of course. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So.....She's dead? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Yes <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...Huh! <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Let me ask you ; Had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...Why? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low priced envelopes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well she was sending out our wedding invitations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> That's probably what did it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We were expecting about two hundred people...Well...Thank you , thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Doctor leaves , George returns to the others <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's ahem....gone <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dead? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm so sorry George <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! me too <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Poor Lily.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did it happen? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations was a....toxic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALL </b> Aah!.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well that's weird <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I guess , you're not getting married? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained jubilation) Yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But.... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well , now I'm engaged.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah?... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I thought we'd both be getting married. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey!.. What can I tell ya. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. (they start to leave except Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> well humm.. lets get some coffee. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> WE HAD A PACT!!! </b> <b> </b><b> </b> (George at home on the phone) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, Hi it's George Costanza.. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago, heh! yeah I was just calling 'cos I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore......well huh, She died....Toxic glue from the wedding invitations.....well we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah... Anyway.. hum I got the funeral tomorrow but huh.. my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... (dial tone interrupts George)..... Hello...Hello.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Invitations Script

1996-09-19

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FOUNDATION </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The cemetery. Jerry, George, and the Rosses are standing in front of Susan's tombstone, which reads "Susan Biddle Ross, June 8, 1964 - May 19, 1996.") <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well... it's a magnificent stone. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> They put it up this morning. <b> </b> (pause.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's just a magnificent stone. (turns to Jerry) Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, obviously uncomfortable, turns slowly and shrugs his shoulders at George.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> George... we'll leave you alone with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> I'm sure there are things you'd like to say. <b> </b><b> </b> (She pats his shoulder, and then she and her husband leave Jerry and George alone with Susan.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I-I-I-I'm good. Really. <b> </b> (Jerry turns around to follow the Rosses.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry... <b> </b> (He tries to keep Jerry there, but Jerry jerks away. George then turns to Susan's stone nervously, trying to think of where to begin. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ross offers Jerry an alcoholic beverage of some sort.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you, no. <b> </b> (She continues drinking.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Susan's stone) ...And then, right after the All-Star Break, we, we just swept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore. (adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy, that was awkward! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't mind the cemetery. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Star Trek II. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (identifying it) Wrath of Khan! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That was a hell of a thing when Spock died... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... <b> </b> (For a brief moment, the two become overwhelmed with emotion.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is up, I paid my respects, guess that's it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So it's over? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have mourned for three long months! Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve in January! It's time for George to start being George again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, so uh, let's do something later. How 'bout a movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! Nothing says George like a movie! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters as George is leaving.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Movie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you in? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no, I can't. I got my martial arts class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George is going to the movies! (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) So how's your karate class going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pronouncing it "kar-ah-tay") Karate, Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...But with punching and kicking. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, karate is not here (pointing to the ground). It's here (points to head), and here (points to chest), and here (makes a circle with his hands). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I gotta go to the airport to pick up Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, she's been away? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's been in Mexico for six weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was July 4th! <b> </b> (Kramer pauses to think.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'm outta here, and when I get back, I don't want to see you here (points to kitchen), here (points to living room), or here (makes similar circle with his hands). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The coffee shop.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. So did you get any good ideas for the catalog? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, tons! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs sarcastically) You don't respect my work at all, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jeannie... your fiancee. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah, that. Well... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Spill it, Jerome. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's really not that much to tell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (flashback sequence of Jerry and Jeannie at the coffee shop begins as Jerry narrates.) <b> </b><b> </b> "About a month ago, we were here having lunch, when all of a sudden we both just blurted out..." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY &amp; JEANNIE </b> (simultaneously) I hate you! <b> </b> (They both chuckle over the coincidence.) <b> </b><b> JEANNIE </b> See ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See ya. <b> </b> (Jeannie returns her ring to Jerry, who puts it in his pocket.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "It was unprecendented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history." <b> </b><b> </b> (flashback ends.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (continuing) No rejection, no guilt, no remorse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You've never felt remorse. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I feel bad about that... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I bet your parents were upset, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You haven't told them yet, have you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b> J. Peterman's office.) <b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> "So I pressed through the rushes, there below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria..." <b> </b><b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> Oh, for the love of God, man! Just tell me what the product is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> It's a, uh, washcloth. <b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> No washcloths! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really good idea for a hat. It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero. <b> </b><b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> (rubbing his neck) Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you okay, Mr. Peterman? <b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> Yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, see, it's... businessmen taking siestas. You know, it's the, uh, the Urban Sombrero. <b> </b><b> </b> (Peterman walks out, groaning.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman? <b> </b><b> </b> The street.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry, I'm feeling something. Something I haven't felt in a long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pride? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you're your own boss now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wanna go to a tractor pull. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go ahead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am staying out all night! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's stopping you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatever. <b> </b> (Jerry sees someone he knows.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh God. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Dolores. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mulva. <b> </b> (Dolores notices Jerry.) <b> </b><b> DOLORES </b> Jerry, hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dolores! <b> </b><b> DOLORES </b> Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOLORES </b> Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See ya. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bye, Dolores. <b> </b> (Dolores walks away.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought Mulva hated you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet it was the engagement. I've shown I can go all the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All the way? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not our "all the way", their "all the way." I got the stink of responsibility on me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, and you were engaged for like a minute, I was engaged for a year. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You stink worse than I do! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm feeling something else here, Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> J. Peterman's office.) <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Elaine, it's Mr. Peterman on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling? <b> </b><b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> Elaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out. I'm fried. My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon. I can run that catalog no longer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Well, who's gonna do it? <b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> What about you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me? Why me? <b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> Why, indeed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman, you can't leave. <b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Burma? <b> </b><b> J. PETERMAN </b> You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him) <b> </b><b> </b> (The phone is not hung up.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Burma. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't it Myanmar now? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog! It's crazy! I can't be in charge! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, certainly not. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, I can't give people orders! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No one's gonna listen to you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am not qualified to run the catalog! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not qualified to work at the catalog. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine groans in frustration as Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now he wants me to run the catalog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Myanmar. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The discount pharmacy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm just gonna tell him no. I can't run the catalog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word enter your vocabulary? What, is the job too difficult? (Jerry nods) What, you don't have enough experience? (Jerry shakes his head) Oh, you're not smart enough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's your confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders) Look, Elaine, let me tell you a story. When I first studied karate... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Karate? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Katra? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, "Yes, I can!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sammy Davis had it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So I listened to my katra and now (vreep) I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman run the company. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure you have. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You follow your katra, and you can do anything. (leads her to the door) Now get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (excitedly) Okay. <b> </b> (Kramer slams the door behind her.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That kid is gonna be all right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, she's not. <b> </b> (There's a knock at Jerry's door.) <b> </b><b> JOEY </b> Come on, Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey there. <b> </b><b> JOEY </b> Come on. Mom's down in the car. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, Joey. <b> </b> (Joey exits.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You guys both have class at the same time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, we're in the same class. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean you're in the same class? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He almost beat me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you're fighting children?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We're all at the same skill level, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Car horn honks.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got carpool. (exits) <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's carpool.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z. <b> </b><b> JOEY </b> Hey, could we stop for ice cream on the way home, mom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ZANFINO </b> Mmm, I don't know... <b> </b> (The kids begin pleading, so Kramer joins in.) <b> </b><b> MRS. ZANFINO </b> All right. <b> </b><b> KIDS &amp; KRAMER </b> Yay! <b> </b><b> </b> J. Peterman's office. Elaine has called in all her new employees.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> *You're* taking the job? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got that straight. Now I want four new ideas from each of you by 6:00. No, make that six ideas by 4:00. All right, let's move, move, move, move, move! <b> </b><b> </b> (As everyone rushes out, Elaine laughs, amazed at the new power she now holds.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's karate class.) <b> </b><b> SENSEI </b> Are you prepared for kumite? <b> </b><b> KRAMER &amp; JOEY </b> Yes, sensei. <b> </b><b> SENSEI </b> Fight stance. <b> </b> (Kramer &amp; Joey assume fight stance.) <b> </b><b> SENSEI </b> Hydjama! Begin! <b> </b> (Kramer then frantically makes several karate hand motions, intimidating Joey. What follows is a montage of sequences featuring Kramer challenging his class. He grabs an opponent by the foot and flips him over; knocks one out with a simple karate chop to the head; has another turned upside down being shaken violently; drags another along the floor; and chases several at once.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SENSEI </b> (raising Kramer's arm) Winner! <b> </b> (The other kids bow their heads in disgrace.) <b> </b><b> </b> George's apartment, in a very cluttered state. George is walking around in nothing but boxers, humming to himself while carrying a soda and a block of cheese. There's a knock at his door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's open! <b> </b> (As George plops onto the sofa, the Rosses enter.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (surprised) Rosses. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Hello, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, uh... come in, come, come in. (frantically clears the couch of newspapers and crumbs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> We, uh, tried to call, but the line was busy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down. Uh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit jacket from the desk chair and puts it on) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> We know the last three months have been hard on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> And they've been hard on us, too. It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> That's why we decided to create a foundation to preserve Susan's memory. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's wonderful. <b> </b> Mr. Ross. And, of course, we want you to be an integral part. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, inte-- h-how inte-- how integral? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> You'll be on the board of directors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (feigning excitement) Great, great. O-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just... my duties with the Yankees... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Don't worry, George. The foundation will revolve around your schedule. Evenings, weekends, whenever you have free time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe this is happening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words. He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is..." Uh, w-what was it, dear? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Something about a way, a-and a light, uh... ha. Who the hell knows? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Well, what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (feigning happiness) The second I see him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The coffee shop. Jerry is having lunch when George walks in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. How's your day, good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Was that a beauty or what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no, it's... "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's it. That's the line... (squirts mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs it) ...that destroyed my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (stares into coffee cup and looks back at George) Problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, board of directors. Look at you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you see? I'm back in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All because of Wrath of Khan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it was the best of those movies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The camera is over George's head and spins around repeatedly as George screams.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> KHAN! </b> <b> </b><b> </b> The foundation. George is staring intently at a painting of Susan as Wyck walks in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> George. <b> </b> (George doesn't respond.) <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> George. (taps him on the shoulder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (startled) Oh! <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan Ross Foundation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wink. <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> (correcting him) Wyck. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wyck. <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable monies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. I know they have some monies. <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> They had more than some monies. Many, many monies. And they planned to give a sizable portion of their estate to you and Susan after the wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, if Susan and I had... I mean, if the envelopes hadn't, uh... then we-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And now? <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Not. It's all been endowed to the foundation, even this townhouse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This townhouse? <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> This would have been your wedding gift. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And now? <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Not. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not. <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Also endowed. George... I know how much Susan meant to you. It can't be easy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, it really can't. <b> </b><b> </b> The coffee shop.) <b> </b><b> MULVA </b> So who broke it off? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's the thing. It was completely mutual. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MULVA </b> Oh, come on. Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell me the truth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am. It was the world's first. <b> </b><b> MULVA </b> You know, when I heard you got engaged, I thought *maybe* you had matured. But obviously there's no growth here. (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. The phone is ringing as he's getting in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering) Hello? <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Please hold for Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I don't believe this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (picking up) Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's it look? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (muffled, as she's smoking a cigar) It's a peach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I say, it's a peach. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, let me ask you something. When I told you my breakup was mutual, did you believe me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gotta do some research here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus, but he believed in me. *You* did not. So as I see it, he's not the doofus. *You* are the doofus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm the doofus? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's what I was thinking. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's karate class. Kramer is beating his opponent, a little girl. Elaine walks in, surprised.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well, I-I-I'm dominating. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You never said you were fighting children. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III... The Search for Spock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Search... for Spock?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pushes him) You doofus! <b> </b> (As Kramer is knocked down, there is amazed murmuring among his peers.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The coffee shop. Jerry is conducting some research.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, question #8. What if I told you my fiancee left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS #1 </b> More. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS #2 </b> Less. <b> </b><b> RUTHIE </b> Same. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Are we about through here? <b> </b> (Jerry crosses off something on his clipboard.) <b> </b><b> </b> A dark, foggy street. Kramer is walking with Joey.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEY </b> She had a little change of plans. <b> </b> (Children emerge from various places in the alley, to ambush Kramer.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara. That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIRL </b> Now we finish it. <b> </b> (Kramer tries to escape up the fire escape ladder, but the kids drag him down.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aah! Aah! Mama! <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get going. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting married. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The phone rings again expectedly. Jerry hangs up without answering.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So... did you stop by the dojo? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's your confidence level? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shot. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Self-esteem? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Gone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doofus? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (raises her hand) Yo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, so what? You put out the catalog. How bad could it be? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine takes out the Urban Sombrero and puts it on.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, nobody sees the... cover. <b> </b> (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> God! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whew! I got whooped. You should have seen the rage in their little eyes. And those tiny little fists of fury. Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's the new cover of the J. Peterman Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer) You! This is all your fault! You told me I could run the company! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, then I was way off! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'll see ya... (exits) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Vaya con dios. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (with his forehead in his hands) Man, I gotta go lay down. You and George going out a little later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he's still stuck at the foundation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, you oughta go down there and help him out. He's a widower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook of his research) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The foundation.) <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Okay, let's see. The beachhouse. 48 acres... ooh. Southampton. That should fetch a fair price. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would I have had access to that? <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Of course, it would have been yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And now? <b> </b> (Wyck turns to face him.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (anticipating the answer) Not. <b> </b> (phone rings. George eagerly answers it.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research down at the coffee shop. Your story's the one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My story? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, your widower story's tested through the roof. (various patrons give the thumbs up in approval) When are you getting out of there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh, almost done here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> (chuckling) Oh, no, not even close. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (remorsefully) I can't go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean you can't go? There's two really girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese! <b> </b><b> </b> (George hangs up.) <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Okay, next item. Susan's doll collection. Estimated value: $2.6 million. What do you say we go through this doll by doll? <b> </b><b> </b> (George turns to the portrait of Susan in amazement.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> <b> </b><b> </b></pre>>

The Foundation Script

1996-09-26

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SOUL MATE </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Well, we think it would be a nice touch for the Foundation literature. Do you have a favorite poet, George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Pardon? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (mutters it again) <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George looks at Wyck suspiciously.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop later that day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He cleared his throat? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He did it right as he said "her unfortunate accident." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not getting it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he thinks I killed Susan! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, help me, Rhonda. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What time is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> 1:15. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right now? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gotta go meet Pam. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's Elaine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have kids now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's with all these people having babies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Perpetuation of the species. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! Right! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By the way, just for the record - <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I did not! (They exit the coffee shop.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> New scene - Elaine at her apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> ...but because it comes out of your baby, it smells good! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, that's...that's sweet. <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Elaine, you gotta have a baby! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day... <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISA </b> Elaine. Move to Long Island and have a baby already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I really like the city. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> The city's a toilet. When's the last time you saw my little Adam? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, it was in the Hamptons. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Oh! I have pictures! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, that's okay, it's uh... <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Look at him! Just look at him! <b> </b> (Elaine is revolted by the sight of "breathtaking" little Adam.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and George walking down the street after leaving Monk's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try the old Jerry Lewis trick? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry Lewis? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's pretty paranoid. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, it is. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you might. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Pam enters. <b> </b><b> PAM </b> Oh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer. (Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins goofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about you. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my day off. I work in a bookstore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the counter.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> Oh, careful! (Jerry enters.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, sorry I'm late. <b> </b><b> PAM </b> That's okay. Kramer let me in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if we rush, we can still make the movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> Okay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was really nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched him, and makes a delighted noise.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Go on. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ah, yes. Forbidden love. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She works in a book shop. Her name is Pam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> "Pam." I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't even speak in front of her. (Sits down on the couch.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Jerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She has delicate beauty. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And yet, he's my friend. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us. One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, that's beautiful, Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty - whom I fear I will never possess. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought we were talking about me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Right. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Confront Jerry? I can't. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You must! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I won't! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You will! <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry, Elaine and George at a newsstand. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "Elaine, ya gotta have a baby." Ugh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are all the poetry magazines? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The New Yorker has poetry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. The New Yorker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, you want to have a baby. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? Because I can? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you're any better? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> No, no, I think I agree with you. I mean, all this talk about having babies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, like you must procreate. <b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Besides, anyone can do it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it's been done to death. (smiles) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George in another meeting at the Foundation. He has a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, uh, should have a poem very soon now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Are you okay, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, not really. Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad. (Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking those invitations? Why am I still here? Well, I gotta run. (Gets up and leaves the meeting.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls inside the briefcase.) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to the Foundation meeting. <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> ...and the stock options for this year look quite, uh... (George returns and retrieves the briefcase.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Elaine and Kevin at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, Kevin. If I don't want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Not at all. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the table and pours more coffee.) You are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right? (Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got a little, uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Are you alright? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'll be okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no...that won't last. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's not ga-ga. <b> </b> (Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George shows up at Jerry's apartment later that night with the briefcase. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this - what the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How long did you leave it up there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Five minutes. What the hell happened here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have to rewind it first. (George presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.) Alright, alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, "Did anyone notice George's fingernails?" Then a female voice answering, "Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels." The male voice remarks, "It's warm in here. Open a window." Then, "Hey! What are you doing?" The female voice exclaims, "Dear God." There's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stopped dead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you make of it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. (George sits down at the table. Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry. Uh, can we talk? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kinda busy here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'd like to talk to Jerry in private. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why can't I stay? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because it doesn't concern you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what's on your mind? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Pam. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pam? What about Pam? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I love her, Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I love her! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that right? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, and that voice! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about her name? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's got really nice hair. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've got really specific tastes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I know what I want, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's got nice calves. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I could, you're making some pretty good points. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No you can't, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I might. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no you don't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? The voice? The calves? The bacon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What...? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I can! I even like the name! Pam! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pam! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pam! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out past George, who is still sitting in the hallway on a chair.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So now he wants her more than ever! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Blast! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What am I gonna do, huh? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Don't despair, my friend. (Newman walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet. Again.) I won't allow your love to go unrequited. Not like mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, again with you? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If only I could say things like that around her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes... <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Elaine and George at the coffee shop listening to the briefcase tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple...followed by a metallic 'squink'... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's baffling, isn't it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, one question does come to mind. Have you considered just...asking them what happened to the briefcase? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That Pam! I am ga-ga over her! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ga-ga? When did that happen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yesterday. Six-ish. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You just met the guy yesterday. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but we have a common goal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, of course. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, please. He wouldn't say that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, "Pardon my French." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Kramer and Newman in an aisle at the bookstore where Pam works. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> With your looks and my words, we'll have built the perfect beast. (Kramer claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the aisle to talk to Pam.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> Oh, hi! Kramer. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hi. How are you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi. How are you? <b> </b><b> PAM </b> I'm great. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I too am well. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I too am well. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Do I smell Pantene? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do I smell? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Pantene! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Pantene. <b> </b><b> PAM </b> Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but... <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> That's so true. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Her bouquet cleaved his hardened... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Shell. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> Kramer, that is so lovely. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's by an unknown 20th-century poet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> Oh, what's his name? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Elaine, you've changed my life. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> I got a vasectomy this morning. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Although, I have a hunch you mean it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry talking with Pam at the bookstore. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> Oh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice. (Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around and Jerry notices her tortoise clip has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> A velvet scrunchie! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry approaching his apartment door. He meets Newman coming out of Kramer's place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello, Jerry. How's Pam? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's bookstore bag.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves him against the wall.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got. (Newman giggles nervously. Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling is choked off.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon. (They exit.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Newman in Newman's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe I'm losing Pam! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought we were talking about me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns to leave.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, there is a little something you can do for me... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, out with it. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's about...Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? What does she have to - (notices Newman looking up at him longlingly.) Oh no... <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids. (Newman considers the implications of this.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is a hundred percent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> This is! Oh boy, I always do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Oh, I get all jazzed up about something and I go way to far with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin' TV and I saw one of those jet-skis. $4000 later and it's sitting in my garage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause I'm sort of the same way. I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Sometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe a lot of kids! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Yeah! I think I like short hair. Really short. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's kitchen. George has brought over a model of the conference room at the Foundation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When did you build this thing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yesterday, took the day off. (Picks up a red Power Ranger action figure from the model and pretends it's him.) Now, from the time I left the room... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, that's you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really think the M&amp;M should be you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. That's what we know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But we already knew that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just give me some idea of what you think it could be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know if you're ready for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Please. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never - <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. (The door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE ON SPEAKER </b> It's Pam. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks up the model of the conference room.) I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters, George leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We were just playin.' <b> </b><b> PAM </b> Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh huh... <b> </b><b> PAM </b> Well, the thing is, I uh...I think I have a little crush on him. (Kramer slides in the door on his knees.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm so happy! My world suddenly has meaning! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is the man you have a crush on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> Well, I have feelings for both of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why can't I be a soul mate? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you really think that Pam would want you to be the father of her children? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PAM </b> Children? Who said anything about children? I don't want to have children. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George back at the conference room at the Foundation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this brain! And this tape recorder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> George... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You'll have your turn! The truth must be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear God!" Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he lost his balance and dropped it...it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom of that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Newman in the office of Bernard Wendroff, M.D. - urologist. Elaine and Kevin enter. Elaine has cut her hair short. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you guys doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're getting vasectomies. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'm doing it for you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What'd you do to your hair? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I cut it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a little short. <b> </b><b> KEVIN </b> Y'think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND NEWMAN </b> Reversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Jerry and Newman look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> New scene - George reading the poem for Susan at the Foundation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...he embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Is that a Keats poem? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. (Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. CROSS </b> Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MS. BAINES </b> Of course he killed her. <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> So it's not just me, then. Alright! Back to business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Soul Mate Script

1996-10-03

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BIZARRO JERRY </b> Written by David Mandel <b> </b><b> </b> (JERRY and GEORGE are eating at an outdoor table, possibly in a zoo.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Fine. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (resigned) At least it's show business.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What if she's got no interest in you? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (TIME: 00:43) </b> (Commercial Break) <b> </b> (Exterior long shot: looking up at an office building) <b> </b> (Interior of office reception area of "Brand/Leland" as GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER come in. They calmly keep it quiet.) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Krama, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (frustrated) Wha?? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (dry) He knows. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> {Anyway,} on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! (imitates sound) Ha ha! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (impressed) Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you later. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> You sure? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (dry) He knows. <b> </b> (KRAMER goes on his mission and they're waiting for the elevator as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives, not noticing them. <b> </b> She could be a model.) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Wow. <b> </b> Nice. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Why don't you try your engagement story? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (considers, but got into elevator) Won't work. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (wry) He knows. <b> </b> (Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN, a geekish nice guy in a red jacket, are eating at a table. ELAINE is a little bored, <b> </b> dreading.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd be, better off just being.. friends. (takes a bite of her <b> </b> <b> SANDWICH) </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Friends? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well. I mean. (distracted by the food) Oh, god. This tuna tastes like an old sponge. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like you an' Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Men's room door. Flush sound and "Wooo!".) <b> </b> (Down the hall, a MAN in a suit is trying to use the copier as KRAMER comes out of the men's room affecting nonchalance.) <b> </b> <b> MAN </b> (frustrated) Damn thing is jammed again.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em. (hits button several times and whacks it) <b> </b> <b> MAN #2 </b> (rushing by, tense) Hey Leland wants everyone in the conference room right now. <b> </b> <b> MAN </b> Come on, let's go. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (absently wants to be part of it) Oh, yeah--yeah.. (follows them) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE at a booth.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (to JERRY) Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you <b> </b> should give her a call. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (doubtful) I don't know, do you have a-- <b> </b> (ELAINE has anticipated the question, gives him her picture.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Not bad. Wuh--what does she-- <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (dry) I put her stats on the back. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend '92 to '95." Owns her own car.. "Favorite president: James Polk!" (ELAINE had <b> </b> echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hnn! Let me see that. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (hands it to him as he asks ELAINE) So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (laughs in appreciation) You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really <b> </b> wants to be friends. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Why would anybody want a friend. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (dread) Uh. <b> </b> It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never <b> </b> ever do. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I mean all that stuff is so small.. <b> </b> ((ELAINE is wryly assessing him)) <b> </b> stupid.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (still looking at that picture) You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiancée.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been <b> </b> inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come <b> </b> and go as I please! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (wry, not impressed) Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to <b> </b> move the whole damn forbidden city. (chuckles with JERRY) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (getting up) Can I keep this? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> No, I need it. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (absently leaving with it) Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Brand/Leland office reception area. GEORGE comes in off elevator to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay.. <b> </b> <b> AMANDA </b> I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (taking out wallet) Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh! <b> </b> Seems--oh! I, oh! (has conveniently dropped the photo into her view) <b> </b> <b> AMANDA </b> Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (humble) Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fiancée, Susan. May she rest in peace. <b> </b> <b> AMANDA </b> Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (shaking hands) I'm George. <b> </b> (As they continue talking, MAN3 and KRAMER go to the elevator.) <b> </b> <b> MAN3 </b> Good work today, K-man! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle. <b> </b> <b> MAN3 </b> Heh, heh! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> {You want a drink? I'm buyin'.} <b> </b> <b> MAN3 </b> In that case, make mine a double! <b> </b> (They yuck it up, getting on the elevator.) <b> </b> (Night at a restaurant. JERRY and GILLIAN meet.) <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> Jerry? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Gillian. Hiii.. <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> Very nice to meet you. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> It's nice to meet you! <b> </b> (They're shaking hands and he notices hers are like a man's--nice enough, but big, beefy.) <b> </b> (Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE are in a booth.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> She had man-hands. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (pause) Man, Hands? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (weary) {Look,} would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Would she have hooks? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Kinda cool lookin'.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (getting up to go) Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my {place tomorrow}-- <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (leaving too) Yeah. Yeah. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of {buttons}. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call-- <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (weary) Jerry! <b> </b> (Early morning in Jerry's "house," a tea kettle is whistling. KRAMER's cooking breakfast as JERRY comes out of the bedroom, <b> </b> tired but surprised. He's in his pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit and oven mitts.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Kramer?! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy! Hey! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Why?? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Because I'm workin' there, that's why. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (disoriented) How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (snaps fingers) Now that you mention it. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm <b> </b> workin' with. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> How much are they payin' you? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay. <b> </b> I'm doin' this just for me. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> T.C.B. </b> You know, takin' care o' business. <b> </b> Aa--I gotta go. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (leaving) I'll see you tonight, huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase) Forget my briefcase. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> W-w-wha' you got in there? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (as he leaves with it) Crackers. <b> </b> (MUSIC (Sheena Easton's "Morning Train (Nine to Five)") accompanies assorted shots of working-man KRAMER: <b> </b> Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction). <b> </b> Washing his shoes at the water cooler. <b> </b> Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase. <b> </b> Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE is on the other end.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So the picture worked. Amazing! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart casual." What uh, what is that? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I don't know, but you don't have it. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Right. Bye. <b> </b> (ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging at JERRY. He doesn't know why so shrugs back.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Where were you today? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Pick. Up. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (whispers) Damn. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> So? Where were you?! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (irritated, throwing down her bag) I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So? What are friends for? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So he's Bizarro Jerry! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (pause) Bizarro Jerry? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is <b> </b> Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Good bye" when he arrives. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (pause) Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"? Isn't that the, opposite of "Good bye"? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No. It's still a goodbye. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Uh. Does he live underwater? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Is he black.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Look. Just, forget it, {already}. All right? <b> </b> (KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Wow. Man. What a day. <b> </b> Could I use a drink. (starts getting a drink and ice) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Tough day at the office? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine, <b> </b> I'm toast.. ({takes a swig and reacts}) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Exterior of cheap-looking bar with neon "V"s on the outside. Then interior, it's a black-walled dance bar full of gorgeous <b> </b> women and GEORGE and AMANDA.) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing plant! <b> </b> (Three female MODELS come up to them.) <b> </b> <b> MODEL #1 </b> Hey! Amanda! <b> </b> <b> AMANDA </b> These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to model together. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! <b> </b> <b> AMANDA </b> So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time? <b> </b> <b> MODEL #2 </b> (petulant) A bore. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiancée, Susan.. (opening wallet) In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her.. <b> </b> (shows them the picture) <b> </b> <b> MODEL #3 </b> (awed) Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Exterior of a restaurant.) <b> </b> (Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands tearing restaurant bread in half.) <b> </b> (GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his horror of her hands.) <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> Would you like some bread, Jerry? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry. <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> Well, then at least drink your beer.. (she's opening the bottle--brief closeup on hands) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (to self) Oh. Twist off.. <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> You have a little something on your face. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I can get it. (feeling his face) <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. (reaches over) <b> </b> (A close-up of his face while a man-hand is getting the very small thing. He's uneasy.) <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> (friendly) It's an eyelash. Make a wish. <b> </b> (Closeup of his face with her outstretched finger in front of him.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I don't want to. <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> Make a wish. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self) Didn't come true. <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> (smiles at him) Don't you just love lobster? <b> </b> (Closeup of her man-hands tearing open a lobster.) <b> </b> (Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking into Reggie's diner.) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> That Museum of Miniatures was amazing. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I know, he's so tiny! <b> </b> (Two guys are sitting in a booth and KEVIN sees them, motioning ELAINE to come along.) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call <b> </b> "Feldman!" <b> </b> (GENE is short and bald with glasses. Feldman is tall and a little goofy-looking. ELAINE sits with them.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (to self in head) Bizarro world.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (TIME: 10:33) </b> (Commercial Break) <b> </b> (Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (delighted) Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Then it does exist. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes. The legends are true. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So when are you goin' out with this girl again? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I'm not! I'm inside the walls! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So you're gonna burn that bridge. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Flame on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN are at a booth when ELAINE comes and sits with them.) <b> </b> <b> GENE </b> (about the check) I got it. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (grabs it) No. You got it last time. <b> </b> <b> GENE </b> (calmly takes it) Don't worry about it. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (to self in head) This is unbelievable.. <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman! <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> Nah, it's not--it's just not practical. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (getting up) Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta get down 'o the library. (the three guys are leaving) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What are you gonna do down there? <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Read! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave) Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating breakfast. KRAMER's tired, preoccupied with the paper, JERRY's in a blue robe <b> </b> eating cereal and orange juice.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George the Animal, {steer}. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> That's nice.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?-- <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning-- <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh here we go-- <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (pause) It's your third day.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. (leaves) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well. <b> </b> (calling down the hall) Call if you're gonna be late! <b> </b> (ELAINE's arrived.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What? What is goin' on with you two? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- (sees address book on counter) --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later. <b> </b> <b> (LEAVING) </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (stops, pause) Well, I. <b> </b> (a little ashamed) I guess I been at Reggie's.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> The Bizarro coffeeshop? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I read. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Books, Jerry. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (pause) Oh. <b> </b> Big deal.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating <b> </b> minutia, of every, single, daily event.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> {What's goin' on,} like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like-- <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I'll see you later man. I gotta go. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (frustrated, to self) The whole system is breakin' down! <b> </b> (GEORGE in his bathroom, drying his hair, looking at Gillian's picture. In the background, on a door, is a poster of a closeup of <b> </b> Dennis Franz in black and white. The phone rings and GEORGE puts the picture and blow-drier together on the side of the <b> </b> sink--the dryer's still running.) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hello? <b> </b> Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just be better of bein' friends. <b> </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now. <b> </b> Bye-bye. (hangs up) <b> </b> (happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo) No! No! <b> </b> (At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.) <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> Friends. Just friends. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b> All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I wish I could, but, we're friends.. <b> </b> <b> GILLIAN </b> I'm just gonna go, wash my hands. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes to it) <b> </b> (muttering) There's a beach towel on the rack.. <b> </b> (to phone) Yeah. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the <b> </b> forbidden city! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (to drive him crazy) Who is this.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (pause) If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes! Yes, all right--anything! <b> </b> (JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's taking forever--she's got quite a job there. He opens her purse and peeks <b> </b> around in it. Close-up of his hand getting the picture.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs his arm) Uh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry. Hey Jerry? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I'm right here. (note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand) <b> </b> You're late. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Like you care. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> The work piled up, I lost track of time-- <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (calmly getting up with plate of chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only <b> </b> calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops chicken into <b> </b> sink) was, for two. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You cooked? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (calm) I ordered in. It's still effort. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (in pain) Ow! Jeez! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What's wrong? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> {Ow!} It's my stomach. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (putting briefcase down) You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out <b> </b> tonight? Any place you want. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> The coffeeshop? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You got it, buddy. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (pleased) I'll call George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER walking down the street. Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming out of a <b> </b> shop by a liquor store.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey. Isn't that Elaine? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (quiet, desperate) Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands. <b> </b> (calling) Elaine! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Elaine! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Elaine! <b> </b> <b> ALL THREE </b> Elaine! Elaine! <b> </b> (ELAINE finally notices them, but suddenly from the other direction, three other guys are coming: GENE, KEVIN, and <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN.) </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Hey! Elaine! <b> </b> Hi-i! Over here! <b> </b> (Eerie music as ELAINE looks one way, then the other. All the MEN continue walking toward her. They all meet by her. To <b> </b> the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN. To the right of her are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY. It's like <b> </b> a bizarre mirroring.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman. <b> </b> (The MEN murmur "How ya doin'..", "Good to meet you..") <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (quietly crept out) This is really weird.. <b> </b> (KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of Pepto Bismol.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse us, just for a moment. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Sure. (strolls away with his friends) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER) What.. what do you guys want.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket! <b> </b> (While the three argue briefly, ELAINE looks over to see where KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are friendly giving a beggar <b> </b> money.) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> {Here ya are.} <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (pause, turns back to JERRY et al.) Guys. I gotta go. <b> </b> Take it easy. <b> </b> (GEORGE tentatively follows her a couple steps.) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Elaine? <b> </b> (she turns, sighing) <b> </b> Can I come? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George.. <b> </b> (KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely turn to ELAINE as she joins them. They all go on companionably. JERRY, <b> </b> GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Day, interior of Brand/Leland, KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's a greying man.) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland? <b> </b> <b> LELAND </b> Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes.. <b> </b> <b> LELAND </b> No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all.. <b> </b> I don't know what this is supposed to be! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead.. <b> </b> <b> LELAND </b> Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I don't even really work here! <b> </b> <b> LELAND </b> That's what makes this so difficult. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night, GEORGE at the forbidden city.) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hi. George. <b> </b> <b> MODEL #4 </b> Are you sure you're supposed to be here? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fiancée, back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her <b> </b> picture. (hands her a magazine page) <b> </b> <b> MODEL #4 </b> What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Huh? <b> </b> <b> MODEL #5 </b> That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Ha! Heh. <b> </b> (Muscled BOUNCER comes up.) <b> </b> <b> BOUNCER </b> Let's go. Private party. (escorts him out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night, Kevin's apartment. The doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to get it. GENE is reading on the couch. The apartment layout <b> </b> and furniture is the reverse of Jerry's--what's to the left in Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's. Also, Kevin's furnishings have more <b> </b> earth tones.) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Who is it? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (off-camera) It's Lainey! <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (unlocks, opens door) <b> </b> Hi Elaine! (warmly hugs her) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Hi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh! <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Come on in! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Okay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls on the floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair <b> </b> that's to the right) <b> </b> (As KEVIN gets back to reading, ELAINE looks around, noting how everything is the reverse. There's a unicycle on the wall. <b> </b> There's a bookcase near the couch. She goes to the kitchen. He has whole foods, not cereal boxes.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What's up? <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (friendly) Just reading.. <b> </b> (ELAINE decides to make herself at home, opens the refrigerator and starts eating olives out of a jar, with her fingers. In the <b> </b> living room area, KEVIN is looking at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro Superman on a stereo speaker.) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Hey.. What're you doing? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Eatin' olives. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Have you ever heard of asking? (door bell rings) <b> </b> Who is it? <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> (off-screen) Feldman.. <b> </b> From across the hall. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door) Hold on. (unlocks and opens door) <b> </b> Hey. <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> He-ey, Kevin! <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Hi. <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> Look who I ran into. <b> </b> (VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes into view in the hall.) <b> </b> <b> VARGUS </b> (testy) Hello, Kevin.. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (testy) Hello, Vargus.. <b> </b> (They both break into grins, chuckling--it was a joke.) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend? <b> </b> <b> VARGUS </b> Great! I'll see ya later! (leaves) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Okay. (to self, smiling) Vargus.. <b> </b> (to FELDMAN) {So?} <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> I got 'em.. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh! (comes to him) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (enthused) Fourth row, center. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Get out! (pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!) <b> </b> (GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN, who's hurt!) <b> </b> <b> GENE </b> (to ELAINE) What is the matter with you? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? <b> </b> <b> GENE? </b> Haven't you done enough already? <b> </b> (Embarrassed, she grabs her bag and tries to leave. But the locks are set and the rape chain's in place. She tries to undo the <b> </b> locks.) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (turning to them, awkward) It's locked.. <b> </b> (The meat-packing plant. GEORGE and JERRY are walking around. The walls are still black, but there's no furniture and there <b> </b> are sides of beef hanging on hooks, sawdust on the floor. They are the only people there. GEORGE is dismayed, and bumps <b> </b> into a side of beef in his distraction.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So this is it, huh? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (dry) I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw? <b> </b> (really disappointed) Get out of here George. <b> </b> (Shot of their feet in the sawdust as they walk out. There is the magazine photo GEORGE had brought there the previous night.) <b> </b> <b> (TIME: 10:52) </b> (Commercial Break) <b> </b> (Day, exterior of an apartment building. As credits run, the familiar Seinfeld interlude music, but done via corny "Brady <b> </b> Bunch"-esque sound effects.) <b> </b> (Interior of Kevin's apartment. GENE and KEVIN are talking.) <b> </b> <b> GENE </b> At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Oh, so what did you do? <b> </b> <b> GENE </b> I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Nice. <b> </b> (doorbell rings) <b> </b> Who is it? <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> (off-screen) Feldman.. <b> </b> From across the hall. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (smiles, relieved) Hold on. <b> </b> (GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN goes to unlock and open the door. FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags of groceries.) <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> Kevin! Brought some groceries. <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that! <b> </b> <b> FELDMAN </b> Hey, what are friends for? <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have. <b> </b> (They have a long smarmy group hug.) <b> </b> <b> KEVIN </b> (eyes closed in hug) Oh. <b> </b> Me so happy. Me want to cry. <b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Bizarro Jerry Script

1996-10-10

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE LITTLE KICKS </b> Written by Spike Feresten <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer walking down the street. Jerry is closest to the street.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I wouldn't walk over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> had your last egg sandwich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about over there? You know air conditioners fall out all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound air conditioner than a two ton cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, cab's comin' in right here (Hand at waist) Set of plastic hips, <b> </b><b> </b> prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Much rather take it to the head, Like I did in '79. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You were livin' in the village then, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't really remember. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is disgusting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, then you're drivin' me wild. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had 'em done for the big Peterman bash I'm throwin'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (George enters) Oh, why you havin' a party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I drive my people hard, and then I reward them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like with dogs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Exactly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Food? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bar? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's gonna show up anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, I just don't want you interfering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could I possibly interfere? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't that what Jack Ruby said? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Eating) Oh yeah. These are fantastic, fantastic. (To server) You know, <b> </b><b> </b> I'd love to get a jump on the next batch, where do you come out? (Server leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (To Anna) She's been ignoring this section all night. Quesadilla? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My name is George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Anna. I don't recall seeing you around the office. Do you work in the mail <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> room? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I'm a friend of Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Oh. Excuse me. (She leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> How 'bout leading us in a toast? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh sure. Hey guys, I wanna make a toast. Um... Here's to us who wish us <b> </b><b> </b> well, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's dancin'? C'mon, who's <b> </b><b> </b> dancin'? You want me to get it started? I'll get it started. Whew! (She dances) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sweet Fancy Moses! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You get the tickets? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who wants two? Special sneak preview of Death Blow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> but for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George) Jerry, do you think <b> </b><b> </b> you can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, do you know what I had to go through to get these? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I know, but he's a big fan of the genre. You know I'd consider it a <b> </b><b> </b> personal favor to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah I guess I do owe you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, listen, do you want me to stay here until George gets up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's no problem, really. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits) How was the party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Food was good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I didn't miss anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, actually you did miss one nugget of entertainment. (Pause) Have you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ever seen Elaine dance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine danced? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you mean you know about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For some time. It was about five years ago. I never knew what to say to her <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> about it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, sometimes you can't help these people 'til they hit rock bottom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And by then you've lost interest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, you gotta take a ride with me later. I borrowed my father's car. '68 <b> </b><b> </b><b> GTO. </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What made him get that thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> During that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not a very long trip. (Enter Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Brody's in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even have the extra ticket yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you better get on the horn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing in the <b> </b><b> </b> background) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could that be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, it's like the feeling is palpable. You think it could have something <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to do with the party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, George was there, he said he had a great time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it's George. I bet you this is somehow George related. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, what are you talkin' about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> next thing you know, the entire staff's infected. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now you're talkin' crazy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, Jerry, if that's not what it is, you tell me. What is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting, I gotta get goin'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> You have a minute to approve some copy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, sure, sure. So, did ya have a good time at the party last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> It was a real... kick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> As a matter of fact I did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah hah. Well, listen. You would be wise to keep your distance from him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Why? He seems harmless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh he's not. He's very harmful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a horrible seed. He's one of the worst <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> seeds I've ever seen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> And you two are friends? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, we're good friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So this Anna called me from out of the blue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? I thought you were rebuffed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> With extreme prejudice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe Elaine put in a good word for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. That's just the thing. Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the worst seeds she'd ever seen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Interesting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a <b> </b><b> </b> phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The bad fiancé‚, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, the point is made. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> exits) The bad tipper! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Half of show business is here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's Brody. Brody! Over here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Hey Kramer. And you must be Jerry. Thanks for the ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's quite a feed bag you're workin' on there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> It's for all of us. Is there a problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Brody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a joke maker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody takes out video camera) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell is he doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Relax, he does that all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> May I see you outside for a moment please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But I want to-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Outside! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, have you seen Anna? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Uh, she just went to meet your friend George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> To meet George? I knew it. Where did they go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> The park, why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't you see? George is in the bloodstream! You stay away from him, too! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean he's bootlegging the movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's a perfectly legitimate business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not legitimate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you meet this guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's a friend of a friend. You know Corky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One day he and I are playing Pinochle-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. (boom sound) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Man, we're missin' the Death Blow! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't believe this. (They run into theater) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> You know I'm not supposed to be talking to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No one's putting a gun to your head. Do I, uh, scare you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> No... a little. Nice car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, she's a sweet ride. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Is that your orthopedic back pillow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Well is it or isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Guess not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To George) Stay away from her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't do nothin'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Anna) Get in the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> But... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You heard me young lady, get in the car. (To George) And you, you should know better. I don't want you infecting my staff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lighten up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Go get 'em, Death Blow! (To Brody) You okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Uh, I got a cramp. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's no wonder. You ate that entire bag of candy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Uh, there it goes again. Kramer, you gotta drive me home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what is going on over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Jerry, finish shooting the movie for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you nuts? There's no way I'm holding that thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, if the man is in pain... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would've eaten some. Serves him right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> (pulls out a gun) What are you some kind of tough guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry, take the camera. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'm takin' the camera. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Brody) C'mon, let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh man... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How was the rest of Death Blow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy had it comin' to him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's quite a character, isn't he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got it. Yep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Brody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on up. It's Brody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you, crazy? I don't want to see this guy again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if I didn't do it right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's your first time. He'll understand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many <b> </b><b> </b> misunderstandings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Brody! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Jerry, I have to talk to you about the tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> I've never seen such beautiful work. You're a genius. The zoom-ins, the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> framing. I was enchanted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I did the best I could. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> I got another project for you. It's a movie called Cry Cry Again. I was gonna give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and quite frankly, they don't have the sensibility. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> May I use your phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh yeah. It's under the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at you! You've got another gig! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want another gig! I'm not doin' this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But you have a gift. Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> talkin' feature films. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're talkin' federal crime here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> (To Jerry) I'll expect that tape by three o'clock tomorrow. (To Kramer) May I borrow this? (Holding baseball bat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure, do you need a glove? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> I pressed through the rushes and there, the native dancers whirled before me: limbs flailing, arms akimbo, feet kicking up dust... (All workers laugh) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Sorry, I got hung up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> At Yankee Stadium? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> This? It's mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh really? 'Cause it looks a little big for you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man might wear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> He's not stocky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who did that? Who did that?!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (laughing) The French guy fell off the bike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats popcorn) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were you thinking when you shot this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you even know what this scene is about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's about a guy buying a loaf of bread. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, bread is his soul. He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul. <b> </b><b> </b> (Gesturing taking a loaf of bread.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha? Where? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer there is no way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nah, he's not going to know the difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches the movie Kramer shot) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing. Where are my magic markers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right here. (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I have lost complete control of my staff. Why did I let George go to that party? I mean, we were having so much fun. We were wining, we were dining, we were dancing. (She starts dancing, Kramer flips out) What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (He shows her) This umpf thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's dancing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. That ain't dancing, Sally. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I dance fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You stink. (He exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He doesn't know what he's talkin' about. (Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm a good dancer, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I forgot to make my bed. (He tries to get away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, do I stink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, you're beyond stink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I really enjoy dancing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And that's not helpin' either. That's why you're havin' trouble with your staff, not because of George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's that bad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you ever seen yourself? (She starts dancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not in my home. I gotta go throw this stuff in the laundry. I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine sees video camera) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE </b> I have George Costanza still holding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, hi. I have Anna here. There's something I wanna say to both of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yo, Anna. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Hi, George. What're you up to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Ironing) You don't wanna know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, well, listen. I feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart and I just wanted to apologize. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What're you talkin' about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I never should have given Anna the impression-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pick it up, pick it up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> --that you're a bad seed, I mean, you're a fine seed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, get off the speaker! (Elaine picks up phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are ruinin' everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm trying to help. Why are you being so difficult? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. More of that, difficult. I'm a <b> </b><b> </b> difficult seed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, I don't have time for this. Uh, Anna, do you wanna talk to George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Um, no, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, she doesn't want to. Okay, bye, George. We'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm a bad man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> So where's the tape? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just scouting the location. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> I need the tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You'll get your tape. But here's what I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three cameras, two on the floor, one in the balcony. And I want headsets for the guys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to talk to 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Are you out of your mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know, Jerry. It's okay. (Jerry steps aside) Yeah, look, Brody. Uh, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry wants to do the bootleg. He's dyin' to do it. But if you don't make him <b> </b><b> </b> happy, the work suffers. And then, nobody's happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Just shoot the damn thing so I can get it out on the street! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. That's it, I can't work like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm off the project. (He exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> I want the tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm the good boy again. Can you believe that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anna actually has respect for me now. It's all over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh, the whole business has changed. It's all about money now. The sad thing <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> is it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, man. You gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I'm not doin' this anymore. I don't know what I was thinking. It's illegal, it's dangerous... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you say dangerous? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm a bootlegger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> You're a what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm bootleggin' a movie, baby! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Isn't that illegal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can do hard time for this one. And community service! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Is this your FiberCon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Takes it and throws it out window) Get outta my way! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, George got arrested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. He went at the Beekman, he tried to land, but they cheesed him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Brody, I'm comin' up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're we gonna do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I gotta give him something. Come on, where's that tape I shot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think that's it. (They play it and see Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, she taped over the whole ending! (Brody enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Where's the tape? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, well. It, uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> Is that it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah, yeah. Here it is, Brody. One copy of Cry Cry Again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRODY </b> How'd it turn out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER + JERRY </b> Uh... great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Although the whole story kinda comes apart at the end there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it's a disturbing image. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so you cry... and when you see the dancer, you cry again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> (George is crying) It's all right, George. You'll just pay a fine and <b> </b><b> </b> that'll be it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why did the policeman have to yell at me like that? (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anna... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> Oh, Elaine, thanks for picking me up. I can explain everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Well, we'll talk about it tomorrow at the office. (Mr. Costanza <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Okay, where's my boy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? (He hits George in the head) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ow! Dad... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Who put you up to this, was it her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got that right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What the hell does that mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It means whatever the hell you want it to mean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You sayin' you want a piece of me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I could drop you like a bag of dirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But he's an old man, Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the bootlegged Death Blow that I shot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No you don't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> You shot Death Blow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> That was brilliant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. (They continue walking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You were big. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small. So how are things at the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> office? Back to normal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, pretty much. Although I still get the vibe every once in a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wouldn't worry about it. (People on sidewalk behind them are doing her dance as they go) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> <b> </b> </pre>>

The Little Kicks Script

1996-10-17

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PACKAGE </b> Written by Jennifer Crittenden <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine at the doctor's) <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> The doctor will be with you in a moment. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine looking at her chart) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Difficult ? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well it's , it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know they're made of paper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well that was a long time ago. How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But it was in pen. You fake erase. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> All right Miss Benes. This doesn't look too serious. You'll be fine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you writing? Doctor. <b> </b> George at Photo Shop <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Here you go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ohhhhhh <b> </b> Jerry , Kramer , and George at the apartment <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Smile <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing ? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I meet this women , Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo <b> </b><b> </b> pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Extra teeth. I love that look. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I <b> </b><b> </b> hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What mustard stain ? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you see. She's looking at my pictures. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's got nothing to do with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I see. She's looking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yesssss. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey , you got to get this thing fixed <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Would you like a refund ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Would you be interested ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well how are you going..... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Would you ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess I would. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah , yeah. <b> </b> Elaine walks in <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors <b> </b><b> </b> office today. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not the gown again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No , no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> would they write that ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They have gotten to know you. <b> </b> Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my <b> </b><b> </b> rash. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen to me you little shi........ <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Smile. <b> </b> Elaine at another doctor's office <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh it's my pleasure. I love these. In fact I got one at home. It's <b> </b><b> </b> perfect when you just want to throw something on. <b> </b> Nurse hands the doctor her chart <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> All rightly. Let me just review your history before we begin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where did you get my chart ? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> From your last doctor. It's a standard procedure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know I can tell you my whole history . Let's just....... <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Okay. Let's take a look. Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll <b> </b><b> </b> be fine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Please , please. It's really , really itchy. <b> </b><b> </b> Doctor writes more stuff in her chart <b> </b> Jerry at apartment <b> </b> Knock , knock <b> </b><b> POSTAL WORKER </b> Seinfeld ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> POSTAL WORKER </b> I got a package for you. Sign here <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's it from ? <b> </b><b> POSTAL WORKER </b> No return address. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if I don't want it ? <b> </b><b> POSTAL WORKER </b> Are you refusing delivery ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I am. <b> </b><b> POSTAL WORKER </b> Why would you do that ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've never done it before. <b> </b><b> POSTAL WORKER </b> Why start now ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not ? <b> </b><b> POSTAL WORKER </b> All right. <b> </b> George walks in <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing . I don't know who it was <b> </b><b> </b> from. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you think it's a bomb ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not totally impossible. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh the ego on you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why can't I be bombable ? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut <b> </b><b> </b> jokes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I suppose you think your bombable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of <b> </b><b> </b> the way. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's more than a couple. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must <b> </b><b> </b> have loved these. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't have a Mercedes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was <b> </b><b> </b> mine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The driver seems a little put out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. He was fine with it. Check that out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that Burt Reynolds ? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wax Museum. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. What is this ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a lot of skin. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This must be Sheila from the photo place <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can barely see her face. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She must have slipped it in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walks in <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> I I I </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Photo store Sheila. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well hello Photo store Sheila. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. I will see you boys later <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you going ? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> To ask her out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No , no. Your not playing the game <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What game ? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " <b> </b><b> </b> Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on a date with me <b> </b><b> </b> please. " <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No good ? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George. It's the timeless art of seduction . You got to join in the <b> </b><b> </b> dance. She sends you an enticing photo , you send her one right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh , I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well as you know I've always been something of a photog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah I like this idea. <b> </b> Outside Uncle Leo's apartment <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Hey Danny. Hello. How are you ? <b> </b><b> POSTAL WORKER DANNY </b> Hey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't <b> </b><b> </b> except his package. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Oh He wants it. He's just trying to be funny. Yeah I'll sign it <b> </b><b> </b><b> . </b> <b> </b> George and Elaine in taxi <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And then he starts writing on my chart <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't change your chart. It's your chart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are !?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck <b> </b><b> </b> . Elaine , have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know . Remember my Christmas card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah the nipple. But besides that . How did you feel about <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's work ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Actually I thought he was very professional <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So it was a good experience. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah. In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple <b> </b><b> </b> and am using as my health club ID. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah it is nice actually. <b> </b> Elaine at another doctors <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I need to see Dr. Burke right away. This rash is spreading. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> He can't see you Miss Benes , he's busy <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh come on. Have some compassion. Okay well I hope it's contagious <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck. Soon after Elaine finds her <b> </b><b> </b> chart and runs to the elevator <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on. Move. Oh hi Dr. Burke. I didn't know if uh.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. BURKE </b> The chart Miss Benes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh please no more. <b> </b> The doctor writes more stuff in it <b> </b> Jerry at his apartment <b> </b> George walks in <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's Kramer ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He went to get some steak sauce. Why <b> ? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Personal matter. <b> </b> Phone rings <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Jerry ! It's your Uncle Leo ! Hello <b> ! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Leo. You don't have to yell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I got your package. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you get my package ? <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> What should I do with it ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what you should do with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell him to open it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Jerry , Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of The <b> </b><b> </b> Macardo. I want you to go see it with me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Open the package Leo. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Okay. Opening. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Opening. <b> </b><b> BOOM !!! </b> <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry at apartment <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So it wasn't a bomb. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No , No bomb. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well then what ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the <b> </b><b> </b> canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But he's okay ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows , mustache everything. <b> </b><b> </b> He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal. <b> </b> Elaine on phone <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah I am still holding. <b> </b> Jerry opens his package <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this my stereo ? <b> </b> Kramer walks in <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey you got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I <b> </b><b> </b> insured it for $400. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you were supposed to get me a refund <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's just a write off for them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How is it a write off ? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They just write it off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Write it off what ? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry all these big companies they write off everything <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't even know what a write off is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I don't. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But they do and they are the ones writing it off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine still on phone <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What ?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month !?! Oh come <b> </b><b> </b> on. I am dying here man. Hello , hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Still no luck <b> </b> Kramer leaves with a fan <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's no Zorn or Zoutraph. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am <b> </b><b> </b><b> . </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow <b> </b><b> </b><b> . </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dr. Resnick. He's not listed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's not that good. <b> </b> Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't have your own camera. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your <b> </b><b> </b> wearing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I feel fat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look were not <b> </b><b> </b> going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is <b> </b><b> </b> tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All <b> </b><b> </b> right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat . You know <b> </b><b> </b> you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well do you want me to take it off ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know it's up to you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you think it would be better if I did ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It might be. I mean whatever you want <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> ALL RIGHT !! </b> <b> </b> Kramer ; That's it George. Come on , come on. Give it to me . Come on ,work <b> </b><b> </b> it. Work it. Yeah be a man , be a man. <b> </b> Jerry leaving apartment <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You are a lover boy !! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. This can't miss. <b> </b> Elaine sleeping in bed <b> </b> Phone rings <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Is this Elaine Marie Benes ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. Who it this ? <b> </b><b> GUY </b> We are with the American Medical Association . Can you confirm the <b> </b><b> </b> correct spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. What is this all about <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Good bye. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello , hello. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> What ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh uh uh... <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Get off the line. Were trying to make another call. <b> </b><b> </b> Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Elaine. Hello. What are you doing here ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Leo. Has the doctor been in yet ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> No. I am going to ask him about my eyebrows. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay listen Leo. Your hairless , your scared. When the doctor comes <b> </b><b> </b> in let me do the talking. Okay. <b> </b> Dr. Resnick walks in <b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> Leo. I heard you had a little mishap <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> It was a fireball. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I should have never left him alone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> And who are you ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am his nurse... Poloma. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> You're not my nurse. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He has good days and bad. <b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> What seems to be the problem ? <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Are my eyebrows going to grow back ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And he's has a bit of a rash. <b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> Really. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> Well there's been a bit of that going around lately. Will you <b> </b><b> </b> excuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't like this , it is to easy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Elaine... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shut up ! I think he's on to us. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Elaine what about my eyebrows ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shhhhhh. Here. <b> </b> Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him <b> </b> Kramer and Jerry at Post Office <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> I am sorry. It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your <b> </b><b> </b> under investigation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Investigation ? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kramer you might as well run along. Jerry might be a while. <b> </b><b> </b> Suspicion of mail fraud. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble buddy. <b> </b><b> </b> Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office <b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> I got your ointment. Where's your nurse <b> ? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> She left. <b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> No need to get angry. Calm down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I am calm. <b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> Leo I don't care for your demeanor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Demeanor ? <b> </b><b> DR. RESNICK </b> Now your just being difficult. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> What are you writing ? <b> </b> George at photo store <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> I am glad George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Great. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shall we say an hour. <b> </b> George leaves <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you do a roll ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> No problem. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> By the way. You know that model that is always in here. She's <b> </b><b> </b> missing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it ? <b> </b><b> RON </b> No. <b> </b> Jerry and Newman at the Post Office <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right. Then let me ask you this . Didn't you find it interesting <b> </b><b> </b> that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your <b> </b><b> </b> stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Define rarely. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Frequently. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are we about throw here Newman ? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot <b> </b><b> </b><b> . </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually I am quite comfortable. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Can I have a sip ? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Not going to play ball. Huh all right . Admit it that stereo was all <b> </b><b> </b> ready busted. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't prove anything. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Is this or is this not your signature <b> ? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No in a matter of fact it isn't. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Uncle Leo ? This case is closed pending further evidence. Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Elaine at doctor's <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get in there. Get chart. Get out. You got it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah let me borrow your scarf. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. All right one chart coming up <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bennette right ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Benes. My last name is Benes you jackass . Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman walking down the street <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry <b> </b><b> </b><b> . </b> <b> </b> Kramer at doctor's <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I like what you've done with that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> May I help you ? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes , yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes <b> </b><b> </b> chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it . It's uh very <b> </b><b> </b> bad very messy. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> I see and what clinic is that again <b> ? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's correct. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Really ? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The Netherlands ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where's my chart ? Did you get it ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What ? What happened ? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. But now they got a chart on me. <b> </b><b> </b> George at photo store <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> I don't know where they could be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can't find them. That's marvelous. The dance continues. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Well if I find them I'll call you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And maybe we could go out and do something <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> RON </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b> George leaves <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> So the little guy finally asked me out <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Really ? <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Oh you know what happened. Some guy from the Post Office confiscated <b> </b><b> </b> them. He left his card. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Newman ? <b> </b> George and Jerry at Post Office <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman ; Gentlemen , gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just <b> </b><b> </b> some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm clean and you know it. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Clean ? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his <b> </b><b> </b> stereo performance. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you get that ? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think that's one of mine. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh . How I've longed for this <b> </b><b> </b> moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out <b> </b><b> </b> of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you <b> </b><b> </b> are. A monster so vile..... <b> </b><b> GUY </b><b> NEWMAN !! </b> <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> There will be a small fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can we go now ? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Not so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god !! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring. As does this one found in the same disturbing packet. <b> </b> Newman holds up a picture of Ron <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> OH MY GOD !!! </b> <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We have some questions we'd like you to answer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have some questions of my own. <b> </b> Sheila walks in <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hi. One of your mailmen....... Oh my god , George !?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen Sheila it's not what you think . I put my trust into the wrong <b> </b><b> </b> person. He said the key word was tasteful. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The timeless art of seduction. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> SHEILA !!! </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> <b> </b> </pre>>

The Package Script

1996-10-31

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FATIGUES </b> Written by Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found that so <b> </b> limiting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. <b> </b> He was with Brant-Leland for a while. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Wow. Well then my mentor suggested that I move into equities, best move <b> </b> I ever made. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mentor? You mean your boss. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken me <b> </b> under her wing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> And I'm her protégé. You must have someone like that. You know, who <b> </b> guides you in your career path. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I like Gabe Kaplan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. And the mentor advises the protégé. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is there any money involved? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what's in it for the mentor? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Respect, admiration, prestige. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pssh. Would the protégé pick up stuff for the mentor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I suppose if it was on the protégé's way to the mentor, they might. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Laundry? Dry cleaning? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not a valet, it's a protégé. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this <b> </b> here? I can't concentrate in my apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Risk management? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a <b> </b> lecture in their area of business expertise. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what makes them think you're a risk management expert? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess it's on my resume. <b> </b> The phone rings, Jerry answers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Please hold for Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books on <b> </b> tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has *my* voice. <b> </b> I hate my voice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So get this book on tape. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't, it's a textbook. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Am I going? It was three nights ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so <b> </b> excited. It's really a beautiful invitation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it was a lovely affair. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a minute; this postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens all <b> </b> the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JEANINE </b> Eddie Sherman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, send him up here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gonna do a little yelling? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm gonna do a little firing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry gets a dial tone and hangs up; he looks over at George who has nodded off <b> </b> with the book in his lap. Jerry picks up a peanut and tosses it at George, <b> </b> hitting him in the glasses and waking him up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Copernicus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's office. <b> </b><b> JEANINE </b> Eddie Sherman is here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, great. Send him in. <b> </b> Eddie Sherman walks in dressed in full military fatigues. He speaks in a raspy <b> </b> voice. <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> You wanted to see me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... <b> </b> promote you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what did you say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him <b> </b> something important. So I promoted him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What did you-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Copywriter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's writing copy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn <b> </b><b> </b> out. <b> </b> Kramer walks in carrying a stack of flyers, he hands a few to Jerry and Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yowza yowza. Check it out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jewish singles night? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I expect you both to be there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not Jewish. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well neither am I. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well why are you going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm not, I'm running it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lomez is Jewish? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> At the Knights of Columbus? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So Jerry, <b> </b> you know I'm really counting on you to come to this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you know, I-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the food myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you like tsimmis? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Abby are being seated in a restaurant. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> My mentor says the duck is outstanding here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Oh! Look who's here, Cynthia! <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Hello, Abby. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Hi Jerry, nice to finally meet you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Well come join us, we could pull up a chair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Great, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry, you <b> </b> night know him, he's a comic too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No kidding? <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Kenny Banya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Banya? <b> </b> Banya enters. <b> </b><b> BANYA </b> Hey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna join us for dinner? The duck <b> </b> here's the best. The best, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is on the subway, seated beside a blind man wearing headphones. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I noticed that you have a textbook <b> </b><b> </b> on tape. May I ask where you got that? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Reading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Oh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Reading for the Blind? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging <b> </b><b> </b> to the sweet sounds of risk management. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, I finally met the mentor. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's she like? Impressive? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, she's dating Banya. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Banya? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did you have? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Chicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time <b> </b><b> </b> with Banya? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Marsala? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Banya should be <b> </b> setting pins in a bowling alley. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, I got a test to fail. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, good luck with that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you. <b> </b> George opens the door to see Kramer and Frank leaving Kramer's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What are you wearing, an athletic sweat suit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know I <b> </b> got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and <b> </b> eighty-three people? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know <b> </b> anybody who can help me cook? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Cook? No, I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Frank storms out of the apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's the matter with him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened, <b> </b><b> </b> ever since you can't get him near a kitchen. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Shell-shocked? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah, but that has nothing to do with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is wrapping up a meeting at Peterman's. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's good work, guys. That aught to do it for today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> Wait. You didn't ask me about my ideas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Eddie, well it's your first day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> I'm ready. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, okay. <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your <b> </b> knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be <b> </b> dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What am I gonna do? He is a disaster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do, I <b> </b> should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor and he can <b> </b> sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is taking an eye exam. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing at all. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well George, your vision is quite impaired. If you'll just sign this <b> </b> insurance form, here's a pen. <b> </b> George reaches for the pen and grabs the Doctor's face. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're a very handsome man, by the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry walks into his apartment; there are pots and pans bubbling on the stove. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell is going on here? <b> </b> Kramer comes running in holding a scalding pot full of dumplings, he drops the <b> </b> pot into the sink and cools his burnt fingers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I got <b> </b> kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't want to. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Eat, eat! You're skin and bones. <b> </b> Jerry gabs a fork and tastes a piece. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, this is awful. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer bites into one and spits it out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you follow the recipe? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a hundred <b> </b> and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It tastes like dirt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I got no <b> </b> skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no <b> </b> sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you can't talk to Frank. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No I gotta talk to him, I know that he can help me, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Abby walks in. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> I think there's a dead animal in the elevator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My stuffed cabbage! <b> </b> Kramer runs out. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> So, great dinner last night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it was alright. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Banya Saturday and then catch his <b> </b><b> </b> act. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. No, no way, no Banya. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine. <b> </b> He's a punk, a patsy, a hack. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Cynthia would not date a hack. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would. Does. Is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is chairing a meeting at Peterman's. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Before we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no <b> </b><b> </b> longer writing for this catalog. <b> </b> There are general remarks of relief from the meeting attendees. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's upstairs, I made him Director of Corporate Development. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EMPLOYEE </b> You promoted him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, no, I would hardly-- <b> </b><b> EMPLOYEE </b> I bust my hump ever day. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Relax-- <b> </b><b> EMPLOYEE </b> As far as I'm concerned, you and your deranged protégé can run the <b> </b> catalog by yourselves! I quit! <b> </b> What follows is a chorus of "me too"s and "I'm with him"s as everybody walks <b> </b> out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, hey? Hey. Hey!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is in his office at Yankee stadium, he pushes 'play' on a cassette <b> </b> recorder. The voice on the tape sounds exactly like George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Chapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk. <b> </b> How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This guy sounds just like me. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> To understand risk, we must first define risk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is horrible. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Risk is defined as-- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stop it! Stop it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is at Frank's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> In my mind, there's a war still going on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over? <b> </b><b> </b> Frank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Inchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging <b> </b><b> </b> hash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply lines were getting <b> </b> thin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six hundred pounds of <b> </b> prime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was three weeks <b> </b> past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just the right <b> </b> spices, cooked it long enough... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around <b> </b> me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my own men <b> </b> to the latrines that night. They were just boys. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for <b> </b> everyone. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well <b> </b> he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet. Had to <b> </b> sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you. This is <b> </b> your chance to make it all right again. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house!! Get <b> </b> out. Go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Abby are in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you saw Banya's act? <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it <b> </b><b> </b> anymore. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and I think <b> </b><b> </b> it's over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No more mentor? <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Looks that way. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well at least you and I are okay again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Actually I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each other <b> </b><b> </b> for a while. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Well I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's just weird for me not to <b> </b> have an advisor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can tell you what to do. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> No, it's more than that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can tell you what to think. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> I need someone I can trust. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> George busts in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kind of in the middle of something here, George. <b> </b><b> </b> George shuts up and relaxes on the couch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> I gotta run anyway. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> I just need someone who can give me some kind of direction. I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, see ya. <b> </b> Abby leaves and George gets up and runs out the door after her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's your problem. <b> </b> George runs back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No problem. <b> </b> George runs away again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Eddie Sherman are alone in the office working on writing copy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> Hey, I think I got something here. The Bengalese Galoshes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a <b> </b> skull. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for womenswear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> Well, I'm not married to it. <b> </b> Elaine. Oh. Well, um, in that case why don't we take the phrase, "kicking in a <b> </b> skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like, what, like <b> </b> "strolling through a dewy meadow"? <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> Dewy meadow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Frank and Estelle are in their kitchen. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Here's your omelet. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's dry. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> That's the way I always make it. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Well it sucks. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your <b> </b> eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Not any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm back, baby! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Abby are at George's office. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> And you're sure with your busy schedule you'd have time to take on a <b> </b> protégé? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll make time, because Abby, I was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, I <b> </b><b> </b> didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> I'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you what, why don't you read this book and let's just see if <b> </b> you can explain it to me. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry runs into Banya on a street corner. <b> </b><b> BANYA </b> Hey Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hey Banya. <b> </b><b> BANYA </b> Didja hear what happened? The mentor saw my act. She dumped me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's too bad. <b> </b><b> BANYA </b> Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack. I'm the absolute worst. <b> </b> The worst, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got that <b> </b><b> </b> Bosco bit then you got your Nestlé's Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANYA </b> You think you can give me a hand with my material? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Frank is knocking on Kramer's door. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You still need a cook? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, come on in, Frank. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Ya got T-Fal? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Keflon. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No! Follow me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is reviewing material with Banya. <b> </b><b> BANYA </b> Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is <b> </b> round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is reviewing copy with Eddie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel" and "scar tissue" with "string of <b> </b><b> </b> pearls" and "raspberry scones". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Abby are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George Costanza is your mentor? <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Yeah, he's great! I am learning so much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Abby places her risk management folder on the table. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> You know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the <b> </b> mentor/mentor relationship. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> As a matter of fact, I happen to have a protégé of my own. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry places his Banya folder on the table. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A Mister Kenneth Banya. <b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Banya? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ABBY </b> Huh, well, I don't think I want to date a mentor whose protégé is a hack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Abby picks up a folder and puts it in her bag. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't think I want to date a protégé whose mentor is a Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Eddie are sharing chocolate shakes at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry between <b> </b> us, we turned out one hell of a catalog. <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> Cool. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Ed, let me ask you something. What's with the fatigues and all the <b> </b> psychotic imagery? Huh? <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> I don't want to talk about it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on, don't be a baby. <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> I went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she really <b> </b> liked me, and then things kind of cooled off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's it? <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> Well it's tough meeting somebody you like, let alone somebody Jewish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Jewish Singles Night". <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm. This food is fantastic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you tried the hamentashen? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't get off the kishkas. <b> </b><b> BANYA </b> Hey Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Banya? <b> </b><b> BANYA </b> I just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you wrote <b> </b> for me? It's killer! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Risk management? <b> </b><b> BANYA </b> Aw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all these corporate gigs and even <b> </b> Cynthia took me back. <b> </b> Cut to a woman talking with Eddie Sherman. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> So you went from the mailroom to the director of corporate development <b> </b><b> </b> in two days? <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> How much are they paying you? I'll double it. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Kramer and Frank behind a table loaded with 'Jewish delicacies'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya know these latkes are going like hotcakes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Where's the powdered sugar? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know Frank, you could take a break. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Eddie breaking the news to Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're quitting? <b> </b><b> EDDIE </b> I can't churn out that pointless drivel any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you can't quit, you're all I've got. I need you! <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine grabs Eddie by the lapels and shakes him, Eddie chokes on a piece of <b> </b> bread. Frank sees this and flashes back to Korea. He runs around the room <b> </b> knocking plates to the floor and when Kramer tries to stop him, he heads to the <b> </b> loaded down table and starts to tip it over. The scene ends in mid-tip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is prepared to give his speech at the Yankees meeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Our next speaker is George Costanza on the subject of risk management. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George steps up and opens his folder. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine? <b> </b><b> </b> George flips through a few pages. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> He's my protégé. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Noooo!!! Don't eat it! No good! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Fatigues Script

1996-11-07

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CHECKS </b> Written by Steve O'Donnell, Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple of carrier bags <b> </b> she's fussing with the contents of. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? <b> </b> Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get <b> </b> sick? <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine begin to walk along the street. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is this, a 'bit'? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cos I'm not in the mood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If <b> </b> you feel good, you're supposed to take one! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, and <b> </b> hit the word 'good' harder. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (thinking) Great. Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b> (Some Fancy Place) <b> </b> The room is stylishly furnished. A number of people sit around, chatting and <b> </b> drinking. Elaine and her new boyfriend, Brett, walk across the room, carrying <b> </b> drinks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, your firm designed all the furniture in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> We manufacture it. The original designs are by Karl Farbman. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Brett sit on a couch <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (as if she knows) Oh, Farbman. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> You know Farbman? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm, love Farbman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha. <b> </b><b> </b> Music begins to play. It's The Eagles' Desperado. Brett hears the music and <b> </b> is enraptured. He stares off into the distance, oblivious to everything but <b> </b> the song. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes? <b> </b><b> </b> Brett hasn't heard a word of what Elaine said, continuing to stare off into <b> </b> the distance. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Brett? Don't you think that would be great? <b> </b><b> </b> Brett still doesn't react. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Brett? <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (still staring off) After the song, babe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> The song. <b> </b> Elaine stares at Brett and puts a hand to her chest, moved by his <b> </b> sensitivity. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine come round the corner, past the Chinese restaurant and walk <b> </b> along the street. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So when do I meet this jerk? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous, <b> </b> and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What song? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Desperado. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Desperado? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ahead of the strolling twosome, a guy stands on the sidewalk, twirling a <b> </b> brightly-coloured umbrella over his shoulder. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I invented that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That, had to be invented? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea to <b> </b><b> </b> twirl it, to attract customers. <b> </b> Elaine folds her arms, unconvinced. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine marches toward the umbrella guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that he <b> </b> invented that little twirl you're doing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a history <b> </b> lesson. <b> </b><b> CLICKY </b> Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking at Jerry) Ohh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLICKY </b> Yeah, that's where he come up with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In his dreams. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine walks off, crossing the street. Jerry follows. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient the <b> </b><b> </b> customers. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is demonstrating twirling an umbrella to George, who sits in a chair <b> </b> with a magazine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's the twirling that dazzles the eye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? <b> </b> Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry tosses his umbrella onto the couch, and walks toward the kitchen. The <b> </b> door opens and Kramer enters, carrying a large envelope. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you. <b> </b> Ker-ching. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster <b> </b> than I can sign 'em. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What checks? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening <b> </b> credits of some Japanese comedy show. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it <b> </b> all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at all of those! You're rich! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain in <b> </b> my hand to sign 'em. <b> </b> Kramer sits on the couch and flinches as he sits on the umbrella. He reaches <b> </b> under himself and extracts it, then jumps again as he accidentally opens it. <b> </b> He gets back up, and heads to the kitchen. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's <b> </b> new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. It's <b> </b> a Farbman. <b> </b> George wanders over. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, who are any of her losers? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (dryly) You're on that list. <b> </b> George goes and gets his coat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet <b> </b> cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners? <b> </b><b> </b><b> EGO </b> Yeah, you heard of 'em? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a means <b> </b> for them to get into your apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless <b> </b> blather. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Kramer and Jerry stroll along. Jerry is massaging his left hand, as if it's <b> </b> giving him discomfort. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Signed over a hundred checks this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello, twelve dollars. <b> </b> Jerry and Kramer draw level with three Japanese tourists. One of them steps <b> </b> forward, holding out a camera. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> Excuse me. Would you take picture please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure. <b> </b> Jerry has spotted something further along the street. It's another umbrella <b> </b> salesman, twirling his wares. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna ask this guy something. <b> </b> Jerry walks along to the guy. Kramer fusses about, taking a picture of the <b> </b> three Japanese guys, at one point he steps back to frame them all, and <b> </b> stumbles off the curb. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented <b> </b> that, don't you? <b> </b> Back down the street, Kramer has finished photographing. He looks over toward <b> </b> Jerry, and thinks for a second. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR YAMAGUCHI </b> Hai. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry has taken one of the umbrellas, and is demonstrating the twirl to the <b> </b> guy. He's speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and arm waving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super <b> </b> Terrific Happy Hour. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> Ahh, Super Terrific Happy... <b> </b> The three guys all speak to each other in excited Japanese. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him. <b> </b> Kramer and the three guys look along to where Jerry is still talking <b> </b> vigorously to the umbrella guy. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> What is he doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR OH </b> He's funny. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his <b> </b> antics. <b> </b> Jerry is tossing the umbrella from hand to hand, with the unimpressed guy <b> </b> watching him. Kramer laughs, and the Japanese all join in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in <b> </b> America. <b> </b> Kramer and the Japanese all laugh uproariously, watching Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Apartment) <b> </b> Three guys in bright yellow overalls stand in George's living room. Two of <b> </b> them have a large carpet cleaner by the door, ready to leave, The third, the <b> </b> leader, has a notebook. <b> </b><b> CREW LEADER </b> (calling to George) We're pretty much finished. <b> </b><b> </b> George enters from another room. <b> </b><b> CREW LEADER </b> There's just one more thing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiling expectantly) Here it comes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The leader opens his book and holds up a check. <b> </b><b> CREW LEADER </b> (clears throat) You forgot to sign your check. <b> </b><b> </b> The leader hands George a pen, and waits as George appends his signature. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything <b> </b> else? <b> </b><b> CREW LEADER </b> (flat) No. <b> </b> The carpet cleaners begin to leave. George follows the leader toward the <b> </b> door, looking disappointed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (let down) So, that's it? <b> </b><b> CREW LEADER </b> Unless you need a receipt. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing. <b> </b> I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere. <b> </b><b> CREW LEADER </b> (flat) Good luck with that. <b> </b> The leader closes the door on a perplexed George. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits at his table. He's signing checks, and holding his pen awkwardly <b> </b> in his hand which is twisted uncomfortably. Elaine enters and notices his <b> </b> hand. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's with the claw? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine wanders toward the kitchen. The door opens and Brett enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b> Jerry holds up his twisted hand in greeting. Brett copies the position of the <b> </b> fingers in his wave back. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> That's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I'm one kind. <b> </b> Elaine gets a bottle of water form the fridge. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Fleckman. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Farbman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You gotta see 'em. Beautiful. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> I'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I'm fine, thank you. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Don't worry. It's no charge to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Brett walks over past Jerry and points to Jerry's desk. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your <b> </b> skits. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (quiet annoyance) I don't write skits. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (walking back to Elaine) Well, of course you don't. You don't have a <b> </b> proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (quiet) Oops. <b> </b> Brett looks round at Jerry, seeming embarrassed. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for you soon. Elaine, maybe we should <b> </b><b> </b> get going. <b> </b> Brett opens the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, where you going? The coffee shop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that. You <b> </b><b> </b> look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You look like you could use a... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (warning) Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> (Saks) <b> </b> Kramer and the Japanese tourists are looking at stuff. Kramer picks up a <b> </b> Stetson and reads the price tag. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these run <b> </b> you in Tokyo? <b> </b> Kramer holds the hat over, so Mr Oh can get a look. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> (thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, thirty thousand yen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer places the hat on an unsure Mr Oh's head. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Giddyup. You're a cowboy now. <b> </b> Kramer hands Stetsons to each of the other Japanese. <b> </b><b> </b> (Brett's Car) <b> </b> Brett and Elaine sit in his parked two seat Ferrari. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> I feel terrible about your friend Jerry. He's upset that I gave Kramer <b> </b> that chest of drawers, isn't he? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? Why d'you think he's upset? <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> How could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment. And <b> </b> outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (smiling) I hope not. <b> </b> Brett leans across to kiss Elaine. Just as they begin to kiss, the Eagles' <b> </b> Desperado comes on the radio. Brett immediately breaks off the kiss, and <b> </b> stares off into the distance again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (surprised) Brett? Everything alright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Brett makes no response. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Elaine, the song. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought <b> </b> it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on <b> </b> the fender... <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine stares queryingly at the rapt Brett. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry and George sit in a booth, sipping coffee. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No spiel? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. Call <b> </b> themselves a cult! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to <b> </b> abduct you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They could've at least tried! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too dumb? <b> </b> George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters, wearing a snazzy new suit. He <b> </b> strolls over to the booth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits beside <b> </b> Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the <b> </b> Rainbow Room. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi <b> </b> you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that money <b> </b> goes, hmm? <b> </b> Jerry looks puzzled. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How'd you hook up with these guys? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See <b> </b> now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (excited) Yeah, the pilot! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right, I think that had marvellous production values. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese TV. <b> </b> They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New <b> </b> York! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn on a <b> </b> TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about <b> </b> their dates! <b> </b> Jerry looks doubtful. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, but in <b> </b> Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry looks at George, wondering. <b> </b><b> </b> (Japanese TV Office) <b> </b> Jerry and George sit on a couch. Two Japanese TV executives, one male, one <b> </b> female, sit on chairs. They are all watching the pilot show Jerry made at the <b> </b> end of Season 4. The Japanese are not looking impressed. George is smiling <b> </b> and pointing, enthusiastically. On a coffee table sits a large bowl <b> </b> containing a plastic bag of oranges. <b> </b><b> TV JERRY </b> You had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could go <b> </b> out with my butler?! <b> </b><b> TV ELAINE </b> Well, why do I need your permission? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TV JERRY </b> Because he's my butler. <b> </b> The first executive stops the tape. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (eager) So? What d'you think? <b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> We're bit confused. Why was this man Jerry's butler? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a car <b> </b> accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge <b> </b> decreed that the man become Jerry's butler. <b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> Is this customary in your legal system? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Are you following any of this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 2 </b> (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: I'm still trying to figure out why <b> </b> they gave us a bag of oranges. <b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> (to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is very <b> </b> funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America too <b> </b> long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to have <b> </b> no oranges. <b> </b> Jerry nods, sagely, and picks up a cup of coffee. His fingers are still <b> </b> twisted from the check signing. <b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Again with the oranges <b> </b><b> </b> There's a crash as Jerry's grip on the cup fails and he drops it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy <b> </b> Hour. (laughs) <b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> You must go now. <b> </b> Jerry pats George on the knee. George squeezes Jerry's shoulder and they <b> </b> ruefully begin to depart. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits at his table, signing yet more checks, the pen gripped in his <b> </b> clawed fingers. Elaine stands in her jacket, her bag on the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during <b> </b> Desperado. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado <b> </b> station? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm <b> </b> sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, what you need is a song you can share. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine tips back her head and thinks for a second, before something occurs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (points) I like Witchy Woman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Witchy Woman? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman. <b> </b> The door opens and Kramer enters, wearing his suit and carrying another fat <b> </b> envelope. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry) Hey, man. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b> Kramer puts the envelope down on the table next to Jerry. Elaine walks to the <b> </b> kitchen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. How was the Rainbow Room? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight <b> </b> monetary discrepancy regarding the bill. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b> Kramer wanders into Jerry's bedroom. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought they all had suites at the Plaza? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer reenters, carrying three pillows. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like you <b> </b> do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even with <b> </b> fifty thousand yen. <b> </b> Elaine is in the kitchen, eating cereal from the box. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of <b> </b> drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> In them?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have them sleeping in drawers?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in <b> </b> tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This has 'international incident' written all over it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (smiling) Oh yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Up against one wall of the apartment stands a very large chest of three <b> </b> drawers. It's about six feet long and each drawers is maybe a foot and a half <b> </b> deep. Kramer walks over to it and looks into the open top drawer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Goodnight, Mr Tanaka. <b> </b> One of the Japanese tourists sits up in the drawer. <b> </b><b> MR TANAKA </b> Goodnight. <b> </b> Mr Tanaka lies down again, and Kramer slides the drawer shut. He then speaks <b> </b> to the occupant of the next drawer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Goodnight, Mr Oh. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> (sits up) Goodnight. <b> </b> Mr Oh lies back down and Kramer slides the drawers shut, and speaks to the <b> </b> final drawer's occupant. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi. <b> </b><b> MR YAMAGUCHI </b> (sits up) Oh, yes. Goodnight. <b> </b> Mr Yamaguchi lies down. Kramer shuts the final drawer, switches off the lamp <b> </b> and, yawning, walks off toward his own bed <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is in the kitchen. He has three bowls out on the counter, and a box of <b> </b> Rice Crispies. Jerry walks over, pushing a bunch of checks into an envelope. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well, <b> </b> I'm off to the bank. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (opening the fridge) Sayonara. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (leaving) Konichi-wa. <b> </b> Kramer fetches out milk and continues making breakfast. <b> </b><b> </b> (Brett's Car) <b> </b> Elaine and Brett sit in the parked Ferrari. Witchy Woman is playing on the <b> </b> stereo. Elaine is listening, with her eyes closed and her head nodding. Brett <b> </b> looks puzzled. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Elaine, I... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine continues to listen. Brett leans forward and switches off the music. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've already got a song. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (flat) No. It's mine. <b> </b> There is a flash of lightning and thunder rolls. Elaine peers out at the <b> </b> weather. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> The top and bottom drawers are open in the chest. Mr Yamaguchi sits up in the <b> </b> bottom drawer, and Mr Tanaka sits on top of the chest, with his feet in his <b> </b> drawer. Kramer comes over and hands bowls of Rice Crispies to the pair of <b> </b> them. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leans over and raps on the face of the middle drawer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR OH </b> Ach, come back in half hour. <b> </b> Kramer looks impatient. He puts the bowl of Rice Crispies on top of the chest <b> </b> and walks off mumbling irritably. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> It is pouring with rain. Jerry walks along the street, wearing just a light <b> </b> jacket over his clothes. He still has the envelope in his hands. Jerry spots <b> </b> the umbrella vendor, twirling his wares. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (calls) Hey, I'll take one. <b> </b><b> CLICKY </b> Well, look who's back! <b> </b> Clicky turns to another umbrella seller,who is facing the other way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLICKY </b> Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the guy says he invented the twirl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TEDDY </b> (unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) What've <b> </b> you got in a push-button mini. <b> </b><b> TEDDY </b> (bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we had <b> </b> some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee? <b> </b><b> TEDDY </b> (angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you during the poncho craze of <b> </b> eighty-four? I almost lost my house. <b> </b> A guy comes along the street, wearing one of Elaine's urban sombreros. Clicky <b> </b> tries to catch his attention. <b> </b><b> CLICKY </b> Umbrella, buddy? <b> </b> The sombrero wearer waves away the attention and crosses the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLICKY </b> Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero' to contend with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TEDDY </b> (to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit for <b> </b> the twirl. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TEDDY </b> (intense) I care. Clicky cares. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, could I... <b> </b> Another peal of thunder rolls as interruption. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could I just buy an umbrella? <b> </b><b> TEDDY </b> (sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (shock) What?! <b> </b><b> TEDDY </b> (caustically) Special price, for a real foul-weather friend. <b> </b><b> </b> The rain continues to pour down unabated. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Office, Yankee Stadium) <b> </b> George is removing a tape from a VCR. Kramer enters, followed by the three <b> </b> Japanese tourists. Outside the window, the rain can be seen bucketing down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to run <b> </b> the bases. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the tarp <b> </b> on the field. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys? <b> </b> Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen. <b> </b> George thinks for a minute, then looks down at the tape in his hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how would <b> </b> you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The Japanese nod to each other. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> But, we are also very hungry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch the <b> </b> tape and, uh, I'll get you some food. <b> </b> Kramer and George wave the Japanese toward seats. Kramer leaves the office <b> </b> and looks down the corridor. He raises his arm to attract attention. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shouts) Hey, peanuts! <b> </b> As the Japanese sit, Mr Wilhelm comes to the door. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> George. (waves George over) George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George goes out into the hall with Wilhelm. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are they here? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> They're in my office, right now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> About what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult is <b> </b> this?! <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Jerry walks along. He is still carrying the envelope of checks, and by now <b> </b> he's drenched. A familiar red Ferrari pulls to a stop level with Jerry, and <b> </b> the window winds down. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (calls over) Hey Jerry! <b> </b> Jerry peers at the car and walks out into the road as he recognises Brett. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi Brett. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I didn't have enough money. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> I'm sure things'll pick up for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's not that, it's the... <b> </b> Jerry looks down at the envelope of checks in his hands. The rain has soaked <b> </b> them so thoroughly that the ink of his signatures has run and become <b> </b> illegible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined! <b> </b><b> </b> Brett peers over at the mass of sodden paper in Jerry's grip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and <b> </b> writing. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Nothing's working for you, is is? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (bitter) Not at the moment, Brett. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here. <b> </b><b> </b> Beside Brett sits a bald-headed, bearded, guy in shades. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcastic) Thanks for stopping! <b> </b> Jerry walks away <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is drying the checks. Dozens hang from lines around the apartment, and <b> </b> more sit on the table, where Jerry dabs them with a towel. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boogeyman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boogey? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. Hey, <b> </b> what d'you think of Oye Como Va? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (negative) Eehh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, Jer! <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine puts he hand to her head, walks round the room and flops onto the <b> </b> couch. The door opens and George enters. He's in buoyant mood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese <b> </b> friends. They loved it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? They bought the butler character? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great <b> </b> show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> NBC? </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine looks heavenwards. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah. But they told us we must go now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, that <b> </b> love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer. <b> </b> George opens the door. Jerry comes over before he can leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever it <b> </b> is. (vehement) Just take it! <b> </b> George smiles, claps Jerry on the shoulder and leaves. Jerry starts to close <b> </b> the door, but George turns back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The network executive. You think she liked me? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry swings the door closed in George's face. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hallway) <b> </b> George crosses the hall to Kramer's door. He knocks, but there is no <b> </b> immediate reply. George listens, and can hear excited shouting and laughter. <b> </b> He opens the door and goes in. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer and the three Japanese sit in the hot-tub. They're stripped to the <b> </b> waist (at least), wearing Stetsons, and drinking sake. They spot George as he <b> </b> enters and shout greetings. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Heyy! Look who's here. <b> </b> The Japanese whoop and wave at George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here. <b> </b><b> </b> All the Japanese gesture and shout that George should get in the tub with <b> </b> them. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> Come on in, fat boy! <b> </b> George waves away their appeals with a smile. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day <b> </b> tomorrow! <b> </b> Kramer and the Japanese cheer and splash water at George, who leaves. Then <b> </b> they go back to knocking back sake. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is re-signing all the checks he dried out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to himself) Last one. <b> </b> Jerry completes his signature and drops the pen from his claw-like hand. It's <b> </b> clearly painful. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (agonised) Uugh! Ahh. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> George stands outside the Nakahama Broadcast Corp offices. He's waiting for <b> </b> someone. Kramer wanders up behind him and speaks into George's ear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There you are. <b> </b> George jumps, surprised by Kramer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in. <b> </b> Kramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a number of airline tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need a <b> </b> little food money. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in that <b> </b> hot-tub. <b> </b> A panicky George rushes toward a payphone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (frantic) I'm calling Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street/Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water. The phone <b> </b> rings and he picks up (with his right). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the <b> </b> hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I <b> </b> don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (kidding) Uncle Leo? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (scream) Jerry!! <b> </b> George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts the phone <b> </b> away from his ear at the noise. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to himself) Hmm, testy. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> The chest of drawers still stands against one wall. All the drawers are shut, <b> </b> and from within them can be heard thumping noises and cries for help. Jerry <b> </b> enters and hears the calls. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry pulls at the handle with his good hand, but it won't move. He tries to <b> </b> hook his bad hand round the other handle and pull. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped the <b> </b><b> </b> wood. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> Pull harder. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR OH </b> Very funny, but no joking, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hallway) <b> </b> Elaine and Brett stroll up to Jerry's door. Brett is carrying an umbrella. <b> </b> Elaine looks dubious. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Brett, believe me. You don't have to do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this. Granted, it's not as nice as <b> </b> Kramer's cabinet, but it's start. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine reaches for Jerry's doorhandle, but a shout from Kramer's apartment <b> </b> distracts her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (yell) Move to the back of the drawers! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine moves to enter Kramer's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine enters followed by Brett. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry. <b> </b> Jerry stands in front of the chest of drawers, holding a large fireman's axe. <b> </b> He swings it high and smashes it into the top of the chest, the wood <b> </b> splintering under the impact. Brett looks horrified. He drops the umbrella, <b> </b> and rushes forward to protect the furniture. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> (shouting) Not the Farbman!! <b> </b> Elaine stares after the charging Brett. She puts her hand to her mouth and <b> </b> screams, horrified at what she sees. <b> </b><b> </b> (Japanese TV Office) <b> </b> The Japanese tourists sit on the couch, looking like survivors of some <b> </b> horrible ordeal, with the two executives in their chairs. George perches on <b> </b> the arm of the couch. <b> </b><b> MR OH </b> (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Jerry Seinfeld is a dangerous lunatic. He <b> </b> wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an axe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We suspect his friend here is also <b> </b> unbalanced. <b> </b> The tourists turn slowly and look nervously at the smiling, uncomprehending, <b> </b><b> </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR OH </b> (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Could we have a couple of those oranges? <b> </b><b> </b> The executives gesture their assent. The tourists eagerly grab the fruit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR OH </b> (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We are very hungry and have survived many <b> </b> hardships. <b> </b> Behind the couch, two of the carpet cleaner people enter, including the <b> </b> leader. They walk over to a corner. George notices them and stands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet <b> </b> Cleaners? <b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry <b> </b> Seinfield. <b> </b> Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other carpet <b> </b> cleaners. George looks stunned. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, <b> </b> one day, we will do the cleaning. <b> </b> George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I <b> </b> don't have?! <b> </b> The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr <b> </b> Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me! <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya. <b> </b><b> </b> George purses his lips. <b> </b><b> EXECUTIVE 1 </b> (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these two idiots I don't know <b> </b> how the Yankees won the World Series. <b> </b> The second executive shakes her head. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Brett sits next to Jerry's table, looking dazed. Elaine stands beside him, <b> </b> applying an icepack to his temple. Jerry stands opposite Eaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit <b> </b> you in the head with.. an axe. <b> </b> Elaine gives Jerry a look. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (defensive) At least it was just the handle! <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRETT </b> It was a beautiful cabinet. What am I gonna tell... <b> </b><b> </b> Brett looks concerned. <b> </b><b> BRETT </b> I can't remember his name! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fleckman? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Calm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down. (holds <b> </b> Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE/JERRY </b> (singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you, <b> </b> before it's too...' <b> </b> Brett slips out from under the icepack and falls face-first onto the table <b> </b> with an audible clunk. Elaine looks down, shocked. Jerry just looks down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Insert) <b> </b> An ambulance races through the streets of New York, siren wailing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Emergency Room) <b> </b> Brett lays on his back, as a doctor and nurse examine him. <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> His pulse is fine. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion. Let me see what I can do to <b> </b> relieve the swelling. <b> </b> Music begins to play. It's Witchy Woman, and the doctor gets the same look on <b> </b> his face as Brett with Desperado. He looks off into the distance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Doctor? <b> </b> The doctor stares away. <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> (concerned) Doctor? <b> </b> The doctor is oblivious to the nurse. <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> (worried) Doctor? <b> </b> There is still no response from the doctor. <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> (alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing him! <b> </b><b> </b> As the doctor stares off into the distance, the monitoring instruments can be <b> </b> heard beeping faster and faster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> <b> </b><b> </b> </pre>>

The Checks Script

1996-11-14

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CHICKEN ROASTER </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack) <b> </b> George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why is there no haggling in this country? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a <b> </b><b> </b> citrus drink. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not me. Everything should be negotiable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Restaurants too? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta. <b> </b><b> </b> All starches are a scam. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea especially zedi(???), with that big hole. <b> </b><b> </b> (George asks the store worker a question) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, how much is this? <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Dollar nineteen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll give you a quarter. <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Get the hell out of here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell him forty and no fork. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thirty. <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> That's it you leave and never come back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about we leave and come back in a week? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Deal! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright see? We got something there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about the new chicken <b> </b><b> </b> shack. ( I came in a little late.)) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at the size of that neon light. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on <b> </b><b> </b> every block. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He is the gambler. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a <b> </b><b> </b> turtle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Try and stay calm. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea, yea. <b> </b> (Exit the K-Man.) <b> </b> (Man on street recognizes Jerry.) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seth! Wow what has it been like five years? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH </b> At least. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna grab lunch? <b> </b><b> SETH </b> Uh, I'm actually headed back to the office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seth it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old <b> </b><b> </b> college buddy? <b> </b><b> SETH </b> Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH+JERRY </b> Alright, alright. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatever happened to Moochie? <b> </b><b> SETH </b> He's dead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that right? <b> </b> (George and Elaine are in a store ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still don't understand how you can call lunch with me a business <b> </b><b> </b> expense. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you think of the catalog? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It stinks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There, we just talked business. <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> You know what else we have that you might like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll take it. <b> </b> (George puts on a giant Russian hat) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, you like? <b> </b> (Elaine laughs) <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> I think that looks very nice on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? Elaine...Peterman account? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? (To worker) And some hair for my little friend here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant) <b> </b><b> SETH </b> So how's your stand up career? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretty good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH </b> You speak Japanese? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No <b> </b><b> SETH </b> So you would have done it in Japan, but in English. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry thinks for a minute) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. So what's this job of yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH </b> Big investment firm. We just got the Citibank account. In fact today <b> </b><b> </b> was our first big meeting with them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The meeting you blew off? <b> </b> (Seth laughs) <b> </b><b> SETH </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wasn't that kind of important? <b> </b> ( Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.) <b> </b><b> SETH </b> Yea. <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a water pic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You use a water pick? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush, listerine... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what two? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Good day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh hey! How are things doing in accounting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROGER </b> Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging quite a bit of merchandise <b> </b><b> </b> on the Peterman account. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I am the President. <b> </b><b> ROGER </b> Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less the expense account <b> </b><b> </b> is for business purposes only. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROGER </b> No, I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good day. (Elaine and Roger hang up, leaving Jerry still on hold) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, anybody? <b> </b> (George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, why didn't you get the big one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This hat just bottles in the heat, I don't even need a coat! It's <b> </b><b> </b> unbelievable! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't believe it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa <b> </b><b> </b> Tomei thing going on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a date? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the difference? You know they way I work, I'm like a <b> </b><b> </b> commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "By Mennen!". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind keys, glove, scarf, I go <b> </b><b> </b> back to her place to pick it up...date number three. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is at his apartment door) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "By Mennen" <b> </b> (Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Kramer's peep hole, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry then knocks on Kramer's door. When the door is opened a huge red light <b> </b><b> </b> is seen, Kramer is there smoking away on a cigar) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on in there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The light! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh the red, its the chicken roaster sign, its right across my window. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't you shut the shades? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They are shut, oh yea your friend Seth stopped by. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea? What'd he say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> he was fired. <b> </b> (Cut to Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting guy that <b> </b><b> </b> all of her expenses are business related) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the <b> </b><b> </b> Aristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think? <b> </b><b> ROGER </b> Another bulls eye. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses are obviously for a <b> </b><b> </b> legitimate business purpose. <b> </b> ( Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.) <b> </b><b> ROGER </b> I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The hat? Why do you need to see the hat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROGER </b> Because it costs eight-thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b> (Hits Roger with water from water pic.) <b> </b> (Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the <b> </b><b> </b> lunch with me? <b> </b><b> SETH </b> We're old college buddies. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I only knew you through Moochie. <b> </b><b> SETH </b> Hey Jerry don't worry about it, the important thing is that we got to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> catch up. Mind if I grab the want ads? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet. <b> </b><b> </b> (Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, hits the wall. ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's life on the red planet? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see is that <b> </b><b> </b> giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, they have me the heave ho. I don't think that Kenny Rogers has <b> </b><b> </b> any idea what's going on down there. <b> </b> (Kramer gets out a bowl, fills it with cereal and then removes the tomato <b> </b><b> </b> juice from the fridge.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Getting some cereal <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's tomato juice. <b> </b> (Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal w/tomato juice!) <b> </b> (Spits out cereal) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all screwed <b> </b><b> </b> up! Alright, that's it I gotta move in with you Jerry. <b> </b> (Kramer then spills the cereal on Jerry's wall...) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know Kramer, my only concern is that .... <b> </b><b> </b> (Cleans it with a dish rag....) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..living together after a while we might start to get on each others <b> </b><b> </b> nerves a little. <b> </b> (Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back in fridge) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. You're a heavy sleeper, <b> </b><b> </b> right? Why don't we switch apartments? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make <b> </b><b> </b> it an eight room luxury suite. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry these are lode baring walls, they're not gonna come down! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea, that's no good. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I may have to drive that place out of business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How you gonna do that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer opens door and falls back from the neon light ) <b> </b> (George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.) <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Thanks George, but I got it from here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no I'm in already come on. <b> </b> (George puts down the bags he came in with) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you want to get together tomorrow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> No, I'm gonna be pretty busy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about this weekend? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I'm gonna be busy for a while. <b> </b> (George throws his keys on the table) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> OK, see ya! <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Hey, you forgot your keys. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, those aren't my keys. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well they're not mine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, they are my keys, how weird. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Bye George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> George, bye! <b> </b> (George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Costanza. (Like "By Mennen") <b> </b> (George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking at a bunch of <b> </b><b> </b> fake butterflies on the wall(?) ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean you don't have the hat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I left it at Heather's. Are these alive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright ,I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat back, I will <b> </b><b> </b> get a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic. <b> </b><b> </b> Dial 9- MERLIN. <b> </b> (George dials again and Heather picks up the phone) <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Heather Hi, it's George Costanza. <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> Oy! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah , listen. I don't mean to bother you but, silly me, I think I may <b> </b><b> </b> have left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just come by <b> </b><b> </b> later and pick it up. <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> You didn't' leave a hat here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm pretty sure I left it behind the cushion of the chair ... <b> </b><b> </b> accidentally. <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> No hat. George I gotta go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know maybe ... I'll ... <b> </b> (Heather hangs up) <b> </b> (Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage for Kenny <b> </b><b> </b> Roger's Chick shack) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seth? <b> </b><b> SETH </b> Jerry Hi! What do you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that <b> </b><b> </b> couldn't be. <b> </b><b> SETH </b> Yea, I'm the new manager <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But your were an executive, this is fast food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH </b> Not fast food, good food served quickly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad chicken, mess you up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH </b> That's not going to be good for business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not going to be good for anybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I'm gonna live over there, you gotta take some of this stuff out. <b> </b><b> </b> I mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its gonna <b> </b><b> </b> come to life in the middle of the night and kill me. <b> </b> (Jerry holds up a doll) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mr. Marbles? He's harmless. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my... <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes Newman from <b> </b><b> </b> the bathroom) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Nice place you got here Kramer a man can really get some <b> </b><b> </b> thinking done. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well don't get too comfortable, as soon as Seth gets a real job you two <b> </b><b> </b> are gong back in that chicken supernova. <b> </b> (Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment. Newman starts <b> </b><b> </b> eating chicken) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I'm boycotting it. <b> </b> (Kramer looks at the chicken.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is that, hickory? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yea, it's the wood that makes it good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Uh-Huh. <b> </b> (Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh stop it. <b> </b> (Kramer looks like he loves it) <b> </b> (Knock on Heather's door.) <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> Can I help you? <b> </b> (Its Elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by pulling his <b> </b><b> </b> ear) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's, I'm a friend of George <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel a <b> </b><b> </b> second date. <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, he has a real confidence problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well not really... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George...Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because <b> </b><b> </b> you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not <b> </b><b> </b> be. But I really do need to have that hat back. <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here. I mean, <b> </b><b> </b> maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well that makes sense. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> Be my guest. <b> </b> (George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good to see you again. <b> </b> (George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's bluffing, she's got it stashed away in there somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is an absolute disaster. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I don't know. Check this out. <b> </b> (George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket. <b> ) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You stole her clock? <b> </b> (George smiles) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well done. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yep, this one for our side! <b> </b> (Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny Roger's <b> </b><b> </b> Chicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so found <b> </b><b> </b> another piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.) <b> </b> (Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship. <b> </b><b> </b> Gotta relax. <b> </b> (sound of a door opening) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Morning at Jerry apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon, what am I <b> </b><b> </b> gonna do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You should sleep with him. <b> </b> (Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's slide) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's <b> </b><b> </b> like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking. And <b> </b><b> </b> that red light is burning my brain! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You look a little stressed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I'm stressed! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by <b> </b><b> </b> four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know my friend Bob Sacamano? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought he was Kramer's friend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. we got to talking, he sells <b> </b><b> </b> Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> fourty bucks? Are they Sable? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but the difference is unnoticeable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yea, I like this idea. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Giddee up! <b> </b> (Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding in the <b> </b><b> </b> bathroom.) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's getting cold, it's getting cold. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That was a close one. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Why do we have to keep this a secret from Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back there with <b> </b><b> </b> the red menace. <b> </b> (Back to Elaine's office) <b> </b><b> IPSWITCH </b> Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is <b> </b><b> </b> Neutria. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, that's a kind of sable. <b> </b><b> IPSWITCH </b> No, its a kind of rat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's a rat hat? <b> </b><b> IPSWITCH </b> And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice <b> </b><b> </b> but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this <b> </b><b> </b> time. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IPSWITCH </b> Yes, and quite mad from what I hear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait? Can I fire you? <b> </b><b> IPSWITCH </b> No. <b> </b> (Cut to Monk's George and Kramer are eating together) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So Heather called? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yea, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'. <b> </b><b> </b> Heh heh if I have the time, you get it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, but this is all very exciting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She knows that I have her clock, I know that she has my hat, I think <b> </b><b> </b> she's getting ready to make an exchange. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Of course there's the possibility that you've gone right out of your <b> </b><b> </b> mind. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've looked at that, seems unlikely. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'd look again. So, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't talk to Jerry anymore, even since he moved into that <b> </b><b> </b> apartment he's too much ... like you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's a shame. <b> </b> (Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off the sign? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH </b> Jerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant manager. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH </b> Number sixty seven, family feast. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Number 67, right here, right here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> SETH </b> And don't forget your steamed broccoli. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in <b> </b><b> </b> chocolate sauce. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I love broccoli, its good for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Gladly. <b> </b> (Newman spits it out) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Vile weed! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door knob the constant licking of <b> </b><b> </b> the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman drinks mustard like Henningins ) <b> </b> (Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is waiting for Newman. Jerry comes in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman, what took you so long, oh hey buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Expecting Newman? That's funny because I happened to find him at <b> </b><b> </b> Kenny Roger's Roasters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was buying quite a load of chicken almost for two people, as long <b> </b><b> </b> as one of them is not him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh hey Elaine stopped by, yea dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat, oh <b> </b><b> </b> she's upset at him, oh yes siree. Yea well thanks for stopping by. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I sure do miss my apartment maybe I'll switch back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no <b> </b><b> </b> choice but to put that banner back up and run that Roger's right out <b> </b><b> </b> of town. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'll do it myself. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea, yea go ahead put the banner up doesn't matter to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken, you leave <b> </b><b> </b> those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a little problem. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I got a big problem Jerry! <b> </b> (Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Elaine is brought in and <b> </b><b> </b> told to sit. ) <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman. <b> </b> (A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the background, Peterman scolds him in another <b> </b><b> </b> language ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You speak Burmese? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding <b> </b><b> </b> the place? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Are you an assassin? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I work for your mail order catalog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this <b> </b><b> </b> expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I'd be happy to Elaine ... but I will have to see this hat. <b> </b><b> </b> (George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding a bag.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So how do you want to do this? <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> Alright George I'll be honest, the first time we went out, I found <b> </b><b> </b> you very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times, you <b> </b><b> </b> sorta got stuck in my head, Costanza! <b> </b> (Costanza like "By Mennen") <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you really don't have my hat? <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> What? <b> </b> (George moves his bag) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. let's go do something. <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> What's in bag? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's a sandwich. <b> </b> (Clock starts ringing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Damn salami. <b> </b><b> HEATHER </b> My clock, you stole it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That damn deli that is last time they screw up one of my orders. <b> </b><b> </b> (Starts raining ) <b> </b> (Jerry enter Chicken Stand. The rain has made the rat hat (which he was <b> </b><b> </b> wearing) wet (or course)) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Seth, man it is coming down hard out there. <b> </b><b> </b> (As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of the wetness, <b> </b><b> </b> the hat falls apart into everyone's plate) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SETH </b> That's not gonna be good for anybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's chicken light goes <b> </b><b> </b> out) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Kenny? ... Kenny? <b> </b> (Kramer at his window with a sign saying "come back Kenny" ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Kenny.... <b> </b> (Jerry is in bed at his own apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Home at last. <b> </b> (Creek!) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is someone there? Mr. Marbles? <b> </b> (Elaine with Peterman in the jungle) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Its the Urban Sombrero, I put it in the last catalog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> The horror...the horror. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> <b> </b> </pre>>

The Chicken Roaster Script

1996-11-21

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE ABSTINENCE </b> Written by Steve Koren <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George are sitting outside.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are we flyin' over the Andes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So fast? What about me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I would eat you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's very nice, I guess. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I have a piece of that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b> (George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.) <b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> George, I can't have sex. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> With me or in general? <b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> I went to the doctor today. I have mono. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nucleosis. <b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> Oh I hope it's not a problem for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, pff... <b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> How long is this not gonna be a problem for me? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment...) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Six weeks? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, six weeks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so, are you gonna break up with her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What guys? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like us. (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So it's just mono. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No something is bunk and then you debunk it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think. (Pause as they all look down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hi, Katie. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Listen, something just came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss. Katie works for Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, all right, Katie. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Sorry for the late notice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, bye. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> You're the-- (He hangs up) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They asked you to do career day? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's no big deal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh with all due respect, I went there too, and I work for a team that just won the World Series. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you were integral. <b> </b> (Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting outside classroom. Teacher enters hall.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TEACHER </b> Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm on next, right? <b> </b><b> TEACHER </b> Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The guy with the lizard. <b> </b><b> TEACHER </b> Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets, and the children just love him. And we're outta time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TEACHER </b> So can you come back tomorrow? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So do most doctors like ER or do you guys just think it's fake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really a doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical school, but I still have to pass my licensing exam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> When do you take this exam? <b> </b><b> BEN </b> I've taken it. Three times. I almost passed the last one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? I mean, people do call you doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Well, um... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, can I introduce you as doctor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, that's all I wanted to know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> Mono. (George removes hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're enjoying the not enjoying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> you know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, buddy. How was career day? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got bumped from career day? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a mix-up, I'm sure. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're trying to screw with your head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LARRY </b> Take it outside. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, Larry. You know me. <b> </b><b> LARRY </b> It bothers people, and it's against the law. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can make all the laws you want, he's still gonna bother people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, did they kick you out too? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Yeah, they kicked us all out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TEACHER </b> Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a graham cracker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) What? What is going on? What is that about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TEACHER </b> Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I was promised this slot. <b> </b><b> TEACHER </b> Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fire drill, can you believe that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is Pericles? <b> </b><b> ALEX TREBEK </b> Pericles is correct. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you got any matches? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Middle drawer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? <b> </b><b> ALEX TREBEK </b> We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hi, Katie. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is Borax? <b> </b><b> ALEX TREBEK </b> Yes, you're right. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ashtrays? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't have any ashtrays. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh, cereal bowls. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is Tungsten or Wolfram? <b> </b><b> ALEX TREBEK </b> We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, or Wolfram'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this a repeat? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Need some more matches. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is goin' on in there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It doesn't? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So when they're handing you those cadavers, do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me out. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters with a man) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God. <b> </b><b> BEN </b> What's wrong? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover her face) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Elaine? Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh hi, Sue Ellen. <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend of mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Well, I'm an intern. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's a very good doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, there's a doctor right here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> No there's not. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can't you at least tell him what to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Like what? <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Shouldn't he elevate his legs? <b> </b><b> BEN </b> Right. Elevate your legs! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes he could've helped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LARRY </b> I thought he was a doctor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor. (She walks away and sees George sitting down reading books) George. (He holds up his hand to signal her to wait a second.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. Absolute zero! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What is with all these books? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I stopped having sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section. (Jerry enters) Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was out. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> An assembly? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Two hours in front of the entire junior high, grades six through eight. That's six grade, seventh grade-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I understand. But what am I gonna talk about for two hours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> And, it is already in the school paper. They cancelled Rick James. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Superfreak? <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is your answer to number 74? <b> </b><b> BEN </b> Medobolic acidosis. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not complicated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JETER </b> Now who are you again? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIAMS </b> Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JETER </b> We won the World Series. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> In six games. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nine minutes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How am I gonna fill two hours? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes to table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> More coffee? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese accent? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Si <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Mute pragalas senor <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh, don't mention it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Portuguese? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've picked it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you all right? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't understand. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Exactly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My face is all craggly, it's crinkly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And your teeth, your teeth are all brown. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look away, I'm hideous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie the blank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> B </b> Pooh! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pooh...(laughing) <b> </b><b> B </b> No, it's Winnie the Pooh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> So the hospital called, turns out some stupid intern screwed up my test. I never had mono. So we can... you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what did you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told her I would have to think about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual advances. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Simple joke from a simple man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're never gonna have sex again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You know what you're gonna say about the Yankees? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework stinks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going to Kofu. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Oh no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jackie we gotta talk. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But Jackie-- <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> I said out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco companies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> The who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The tobacco companies. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> I've been wanting a piece of them for years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, it didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> So you're a victim. Now your face is shallow, unattractive, disgusting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So Jackie, do you think we gotta case? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Your face is my case. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How ya doin'? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Not good. I'm a moron. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. You got eleven minutes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? Oh come on. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think it has something to do with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, all right. Is Kramer home? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> George, I have to have sex. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I used to share that same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress approaches) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Mas Café? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Si, por favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who could love me? <b> </b><b> WILKIE </b> I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILKIE </b> All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. (She exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> You better believe it. Jackie's cashin' in on your wretched disfigurement. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Congratulations! You passed! <b> </b><b> BEN </b> Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should see each other anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed and supported you while you struggled. What about my dream of dating a doctor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look it, are we going to have sex, or not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's finished singing, George goes on, then you. (George enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where have you been? You know, you're on next. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got lost on the way over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Got lost? We went to school here for three years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, the Portuguese waitress. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Portuguese waitress? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATIE </b> George, George, you're on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. I'm not going on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then what'd you come down here for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell you about the Portuguese waitress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's good to have you back. <b> </b><b> KATIE </b> One of you has to go on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your home! (Audience boos) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have pow-wow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She made an offer. I took it. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> How much? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. There was no money. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> No money? Then what'd we get? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard with Kramer on it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> This is the most public yet of my many humiliations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LETTERMAN </b> Yeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly. And before that, you were bumped by a lizard? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY: ACTUALLY, IT WAS A . </b> <b> </b><b> LETTERMAN </b> those things, deadly dangerous. A long time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico. They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> LETTERMAN </b> Right. Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Abstinence Script

1996-12-19

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE ANDREA DORIA </b> Written by Spike Feresten <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. George bursts into the room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Gets up) Get out! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looks around his apartment) Is it better than mine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Definite) Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what? It's better than Elaine's, too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Stops) Oh right, the blind date. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll take you two minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in closet. (Smiles) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughs as they leave) It's working already! (Both exit) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Manhattan Mini-storage) <b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's pulling a wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Disgusted) What is with that?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs being in the air) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) Where is your key? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman. (Starts coughing again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out of the unit) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's new apartment) <b> </b> (George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks in while he's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICARDI </b> Excuse me, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves her off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICARDI </b> (Moves into the apartment, hand out) No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of the tenant's association. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! Hey, hey.. I love the floors in here. It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball) toward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively) Come on! (Stops and laughs right before running into her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICARDI </b> No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George, unfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICARDI </b> Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through, we've decided to give it to him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. that was quite a fire. (Moves to the door, leaving). <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICARDI </b> (Correcting) Shipwreck. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I remember.. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> (Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan. She's thinking to herself) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a sugar packet) "Cancer in labratory animals".. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> huh. <b> </b> (A waiter approaches) <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Excuse me, Elaine Benes? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Shocked) Stabbed?! <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> More bread? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That is not the point! The guy was stabbed! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you find out who stabbed him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Like a father) Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. kind of a compliment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the kitchen) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the food) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (In awe. Whispering) The botched it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Complaining) I'm even more potent now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face. George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. How's the new place?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) The tenant association made me give it <b> </b><b> </b> to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELIANE </b> I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Talking about his would-be apartment) You could fit 15 people in that bathroom.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a clicking sound with his <b> </b><b> </b> tongue) <b> </b> (Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales of the Sea" 51 people died. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 51 people?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There were 1,650 survivors. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book? (Starts walking tward the door. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer grabs his food, and follows) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks" <b> </b><b> </b> (George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry stops Kramer before he can do the same) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail outta there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry nods his head - like it was expected) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's sitting on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my storage unit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Sometimes we don't get what we want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Confused) What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I didn't get my transfer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Transfer"? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm <b> </b><b> </b> hanging it up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You quit the post office? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Central Park) <b> </b> (Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking some dogs passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer stops the man) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you got there, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> What cough? <b> </b> (One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts while pointing to the dog) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Restaurant) <b> </b> (Elaine's on a date with Alan) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves her knife along with her hand gestures. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little bit jumpy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Leans in close) Between you and me, what happened there with the stabbing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> Just.. one of those things, you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Was she just so crazy in love with you that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> I don't know. Could be. <b> </b> (A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine and Alan's table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Alan?! <b> </b><b> ALAN </b> Carol? <b> </b> (Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his face, then storms off. Alan screams from the pain) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was that the one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> (Between screams) No, that was a different girl. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine looks confused. Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There was another crazed ex-girlfriend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right, so, I called my friend, you know - the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mmm.. Bad how? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Agreeing) What's more important? <b> </b> (Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then they both get into sort of a shrug-off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> NYC Street) <b> </b> (While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers, he meets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Between coughs) Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's with the dog? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. (Starts coughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh.. <b> </b> (Smuckers coughs) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A vet? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> snapping) - all on the same day. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna take dog medicine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? (Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave) I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's apartment building) <b> </b> (George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his new apartment. George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELDRIDGE </b> Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? (Laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELDRIDGE </b> (Defensively) We had to abandon ship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, all vacations have to end eventually. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELDRIDGE </b> The boat sank. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So, <b> </b><b> </b> uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELDRIDGE </b> Is that what this is all about?! I don't think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Vet's office) <b> </b> (Smuckers is getting examined by a vet) <b> </b><b> VET </b> What are the symptoms? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. Expecially when he drinks orange juice. (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh.. dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's it. That's it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VET </b> Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a lot of this lately. Been drinking from the toilet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Offended) What? No. That's disgusting.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> ALAN </b> So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) What? Break-up? We went out on one date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> (Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, good. Good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around.. big head. (Gets up to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pardon? <b> </b><b> ALAN </b> You got a big head. It's too big for your body. (Walks for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs again) That's the best you got?! (Laughs loudly as Alan exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've <b> </b><b> </b> been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Interested) I should! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're the man! <b> </b> (There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer it. Newman's standing in the doorway) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, I guess I should really get moving on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Angered) Hello.. Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're giving up that easy? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Intrigued) What are you proposing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> An alliance? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's sorting mail out on his table) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to <b> </b><b> </b> play with my toys. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. You know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me "big head". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost a compliment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. <b> </b><b> </b> (The phone rings. Jerry answers it) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (On the other line) Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, listen, I can't make it later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't make it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Gives a "That's a shame" face) Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's coughs, then walks off) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket) I got some pilss. They taste terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too tender. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner with his dog) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't want to! <b> </b> (Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists violently - much like a dog would) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon. Just sit down! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Squirming) Jerry! What?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sit down! Sit down! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Struggling) Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds Kramer's mouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already swallowed it, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> spits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting and loss of fur"? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog <b> </b><b> </b> pills! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whe have the same symptoms. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. No doctors. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his coat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) Huh? C'mon! C'mon! <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry follows Kramer out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Taxi cab) <b> </b> (Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi) <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Lady, could you move your head a little bit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Your head. I can't see out the back. (Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little more. (Slides down until just her eyes and <b> </b><b> </b> forehead can be seen) Thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's car) <b> </b> (Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer is restless in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the windows - just as a dog would) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the <b> </b><b> </b> way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) You're taking me to the doctor! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Coffee shop) <b> </b> (George is at the coffee shop with his parents) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket and her drink) Let's change tables. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Get outta here! We have a booth. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Frank, I'm cold! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Order a hot dish. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Why can't we sit over there? (Points to a table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Yelling) That's not a booth! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, who says we have to sit in a booth?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway all the way to New York to sit at a table like that! (Gestures to the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the subway to be in a drafty restaurant! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A moment passes) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> NYC Street) <b> </b> (Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. Kramer refuses to get out of the car) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, outta the car. Out, now! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying to pull him out of the car) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No! Don't! <b> </b> (Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer quickly gets up and takes off - running down the street) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Tenant board room) <b> </b> (Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is bored to death. He's leaning back in his <b> </b><b> </b> chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display how bored he is) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELDRIDGE </b> Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> sweetest sight my eyes ever saw. <b> </b><b> RICARDI </b> (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony. <b> </b><b> </b> (George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes George's seat in the corner) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kramer bit me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bit you?! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! I don't think I can do my route - <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and they're awarding the transfer in two days! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver mail! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, why not? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What am I gonna wear? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I could give you my uniform from my rookie year. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking along a city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store owner brooming the sidewalk) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas! <b> </b><b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Mail on Sunday? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, then keeps walking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Tenant board room) <b> </b> (George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a <b> </b><b> </b> Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts <b> </b><b> </b> to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing <b> </b><b> </b> statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, <b> </b><b> </b> stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi <b> </b><b> </b> is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying <b> </b><b> </b> erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry returns to get another bag of mail) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs - Do not bend". <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> "Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand.. <b> </b><b> </b> very well. (Hangs up in disappointment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> That was the Vice President of the post office. I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did they know?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) I tried my best! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman then tears the post office <b> </b><b> </b> badge from Jerry's coat) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, this is your coat. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Realizing) Damn! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Central park) <b> </b> (Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a bird flies right into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The bird regains it's balance, and flies off. The man on <b> </b><b> </b> the bench is staring in awe) <b> </b><b> MAN 2 </b> He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't avoid it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN 2 </b> Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's head.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. (George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're making their decision today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying to tie her hair down. She looks angered at something) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant freak-head. (Sits down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What giant freak-head? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing right into his hands! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or <b> </b><b> </b> jam a fork into his forehead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Casually, sarcastic) Either way. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Getting up to leave) Alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Restaurant) <b> </b><b> ALAN </b> I want to apologize for.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Shrugging it off) Oh, please. <b> </b><b> ALAN </b> So you have a big head. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Casually playing along) So what? <b> </b><b> ALAN </b> It goes well with that bump in your nose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Suddenly angry) What?! <b> </b> (Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman runs out of the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed woman beating up some guy! Tell the police "The Old Mill Restaurant". Hurry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer takes off running down the street, looking for a cop. He meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop. Before he can tell them the urgent message, <b> </b><b> </b> he starts coughing uncontrollably) <b> </b><b> COP </b> Boy, that's some cough you got there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures) <b> </b><b> COP 2 </b> No, I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer manages to say the word "trouble") Trouble?! Trouble? Where? Where's <b> </b><b> </b> trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill") Trouble at the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the way! Come on. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the cops following him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's apartment building) <b> </b> (George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up Alan is moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor. (They shake hands) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have you the apartment?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. got coffee thrown in your face, and.. uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> Oh, fork in the forehead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's why they gave you the apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> No, I just gave the super 50 bucks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, that is my apartment. I earned it with 34 years of misery! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALAN </b> Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his new apartment, and slams the door on George) <b> </b><b> </b> (George starts acting self-conscious about his chin - much like Elaine and her head) <b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Andrea Doria Script

1997-01-09

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE LITTLE JERRY </b> Written by Jennifer Crittenden <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the auto show, I waited for you, you never came. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Five minutes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Five minutes? That's it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the difference? You never showed up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like, forty minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we barely knew the guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the way it works. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> When did you tell George to be here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> About five. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's enough. (They leave. George comes around the corner.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Early! Alright! (shivers.) Cold. <b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Kramer in a booth at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you know about that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all the other bad checks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He can't do that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes his eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting. This chicken should be ashamed of himself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George enters and sits down.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fantastic day! Fantastic! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fantastic. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then, I'm at The Foundation... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're still doing that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sometimes, once in a while. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When you feel guilty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, occasionally I'll forget to let the machine pick up. Anyway, they made this large donation to a women's prison, and I get to go down there and check it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's caged heat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah-hah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you gonna do there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing really, you know...just stroll around the cell blocks, maybe take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I know, I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I noticed you chose the "clowns with balloons" check design. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters with her new boyfriend, Kurt.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this is Jerry, and George, and Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Kurt. Taste these eggs. <b> </b><b> KURT </b> Uh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes! These are sweatshop eggs. (Kramer gets up to leave by climbing over the back of the booth. He loses it and falls on the floor, then regains his composure and walks out with his napkin still tucked in his collar.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> I gotta call the office. Honey, would you order for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm a "honey." He's pretty great, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is he from the future? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts. (Points to his head.) This is guts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Clinging to some scraps? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> These are not "scraps." These are historic remains of a once great society of hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, did you guys stop at the bodega today? Some moron bounced a clown check! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Again, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> People seem to like the clowns. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, let me just give you the forty, plus another twenty for your trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> 'Kay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aren't you going to take the check down? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Sorry, no. It's store policy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But it's your bodega. <b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Even I am not above the policy. <b> </b> (Jerry leaves while giving Marcelino a dirty look.) <b> </b> New scene - George touring the women's prison with Betsy, the "warden." <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> Those are our tennis courts. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tennis courts? What about the yard? Where do they have the gang fights? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza. This is a minimum security facility. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hmm. What about a hole? You ever put anybody in "the box"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This prison stinks. <b> </b><b> BETSY </b> And finally, the library, which has just been refurbished thanks to your generous donation. This is Celia Morgan, our librarian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> BETSY </b> I'll be in my office if you need me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks, Warden. <b> </b><b> BETSY </b> Betsy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Betsy. <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> So, are you the head of the foundation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me. (Notices another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.) So uh, you two shop at the same store? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> No, it's standard issue. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God...you're in jail? (Celia nods.) That is so cool! <b> </b><b> </b> New scene in Jerry's apartment later that day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You asked her out? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well...not "out." She's in prison. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you ask her out? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That was different! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll say. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. And you know how you live in fear of the pop-in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The pop-in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, no pop-in, no "in the neighborhood," no "I saw your light was on." And the best part is, if things go really well... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Conjugal visit? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't jinx it! <b> </b> (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. What's up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George is dating a convict. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh? What's she in for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Embezzlement. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, not here. (Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag of chicken feed.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's chicken feed. (Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I sense something is afoot. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I bought a chicken. <b> </b> (Jerry is about to reply, but George interrupts.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Allow me. Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs. <b> </b> (George is about to reply, but Jerry interrupts.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Allow me. What are you, an idiot? <b> </b> New scene - Elaine's apartment at night. Elaine is about to pay a delivery guy for some food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Hold it, hold it, I got it. Catch. (Tosses his wallet to Elaine, she pays the delivery guy.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, driver's licence. Oh...my God. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Your hair. It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it...it was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Well, it still is. I shave my head for my swim team. I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? With you under it? (Kurt shrugs.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry in bed at the crack of dawn. We hear a rooster crowing. Jerry gets up and knocks on Kramer's door, bleary-eyed. Kramer answers the door with a rooster under his arm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that your "chicken" making all that noise? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Jerry loves the morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Of course it is. I picked it out myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you picked out a rooster. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry nods and shuffles back to his place. Kramer turns Little Jerry upside down to see if he's actually a rooster or not...) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George visiting Celia at the prison. <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> This was fun. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I had a great time. <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Five minutes, Mr. Costanza. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The whole hour just flew by. (Begins cleaning up the table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> I'll get that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well, I guess I'll see you in four days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Go out and have a ball with the guys. I'll be waiting right here for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course you will. You're the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry's apartment, the same day. The phone rings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced check. Are you having money problems? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not having money problems. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Enough with the comedy! You're very clever, you should look into advertising. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine! (George enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> That's it. I'm going to send you fifty dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You are NOT sending me fifty dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We're sending you fifty dollars! Morty, get me an envelope. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I swear to God, if you send me fifty dollars, you are gonna be so sorry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I don't see envelopes! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> They're right in front of you! Oh, for heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma! Ma! MA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How're the folks? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? Movie tonight? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you were going out with Celia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Having her in jail. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with this now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here. (Shows Kurt's driver's licence to Jerry.) Take a look at that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh. Kurt's an organ donor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair. (George overhears and stands up, concerned.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So he just shaves his head for no reason? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's all mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's just hair. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not just hair! Look! (Shows Kurt's licence to Jerry again.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's brown. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's chestnut with auburn highlights! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're not around women. You don't know how important a man's hair is. (They both look at George, who is reading a newspaper and struggling to keep his composure.) I'm sorry, George, but it's true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I knew it. <b> </b> New scene - Kramer walking Little Jerry Seinfeld down the street on a leash. He goes into Marcelino's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Hey, Kramer. Nice rooster. What's his name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Little Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce checks? (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, can't you take Jerry's check down? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Sorry Kramer, can't help you. <b> </b> (A guy walks into the bodega with his dog. The dog and Little Jerry get into a tussle, and Little Jerry sends the dog packin.') <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> I like the way he handles himself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer picks Little Jerry up. He's upside down. Kramer turns him around the right way.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Elaine checking out Kurt's head at her apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it's coming in already! Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here. Huh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here. Or here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> What do you mean? (Goes into the bedroom to look in the mirror.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't know...how long have you been shaving your head for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> About three years. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. <b> </b><b> KURT </b> Oh my God! (Steps into the doorway) I'm going bald! <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George and Celia in the prison library. <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> George! I'm so glad to see you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I brought you some cigarettes. You buy yourself something nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Good news - I'm up for parole. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Parole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Marcelino's going to take down the check? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great! (realizing) What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah ha... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, cockfighting is illegal. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Only in The United States. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's inhumane! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's two roosters peckin' at each other! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like "American Gladiators." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I left him with Marcelino! <b> </b> (Jerry shrugs and holds his hands out.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My Little Jerry! (Runs out.) <b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> Continuation of last scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he <b> O.K.? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he's more than O.K., he won! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You let him fight? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How long do they usually last? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great! <b> </b> (George walks in.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Celia's up for parole. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who? <b> </b> (They both look at Jerry.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm too tired. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright? 'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. (Kramer leaves.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I'm so sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.) Talking... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In other words, a normal relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, she'll still be an ex-con. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not the same. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Elaine meets a bummed-out Kurt at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> I don't care. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You, uh...got a big stain on your shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Yeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You already ate? <b> </b><b> KURT </b> It's from yesterday. <b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Marcelino at the bodega. <b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Jerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then what is my check still doing up? We had a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Now we have a new deal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> New deal? <b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the check will be yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> 85 cents. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 85 cents? That is outrageous! <b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's out of the question. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter and be done with it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I think you're jealous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, give me that rooster! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will! Yah-yah! (Kramer leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George in Betsy's office at the prison. <b> </b><b> BETSY </b> George, Celia has listed you as a character reference. Whatever you can tell us would certainly be helpful in her getting paroled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, anything I can do to help, um...she's a wonderful girl. Very smart. Very...crafty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> Does she have any plans after she's released? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Plans. Schemes. She keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends - "the gang," as she likes to call them, you know. Yeah, they're hatching something, you can count on that. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Marcelino at Jerry's apartment door. <b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Jerry! Tonight's fight-night. Where's my rooster? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer won't sell. <b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Well, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take down your check anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, thank you, Marcelino. <b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Well, perhaps someday you will do me a favor. And that day is today. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's main event. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want Little Jerry to take a dive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Shhh, not so loud. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Can, too! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCELINO </b> Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll see about that. (Runs to the window and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight to win! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> O.K.! </b> <b> </b> New scene - Kurt at George's apartment. <b> </b><b> KURT </b> Elaine said you would be the best person I could talk to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've seen a lot of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Oh, God. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should be happy now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Happy? Why should I be happy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You've still got pretty good coverage. Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Who will I be? <b> </b> (George points at himself. Kurt shudders.) <b> </b><b> KURT </b> How long do I have? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 14 months. Maybe 10. <b> </b><b> KURT </b> Is there anything I can do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life. Because in many ways...it is. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse me. <b> </b><b> </b> (George answers the door. Celia enters.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Celia? What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you just decided to pop in...! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Kurt shows up at Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kurt! <b> </b><b> KURT </b> Elaine...(holds out a wedding ring) Will you marry me? (Elaine is shocked.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's kitchen, training Little Jerry for his cockfight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. He's lookin' good, huh Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer starts filling a pot with water.) What are you doing with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Kramer...? <b> </b> (Kramer looks at Jerry.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Be careful. (George enters.) Hey, guess what! Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Where have you been? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows up at the door! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God! The break-out/pop-in! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like everytime - <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, this is a little too much for me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Elaine and Kurt at Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Kurt, slow down! I just can't marry you, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some "fiance-time," I need some "make-my-girlfriends-jealous" time... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Plus, you want to get to know me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, that too. <b> </b><b> KURT </b> Well, how much time? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know...a year? <b> </b><b> KURT </b> No, no, no...it has to be now. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Could I see the ring again? <b> </b> New scene - Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer at the cockfight in back of Marcelino's store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you're actually considering it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those'll be good times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to? (George comes over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, sorry I'm late. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's Celia? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She didn't want to come, she's not really into sports. (Kramer comes over with Little Jerry.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how's he doin'? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's got a big sweat going. (Takes an envelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this came for you express-mail. It's from your parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fifty dollars. I don't believe this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge white rooster.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at the size of his bird! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That looks like a dog with a glove on his head. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Kurt at George's door. Celia answers. <b> </b><b> KURT </b> Hi, is George back from the cockfight yet? You know, I gotta thank him, he changed my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> No, it must have been a good fight, he's not back yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Ah, damn. <b> </b> (Two detectives show up at the door behind Kurt.) <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE #1 </b> Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well, well, well. Look who's here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Aw, man! <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE #2 </b> Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> I'm not George Costanza. <b> </b><b> DETECTIVE #2 </b> Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go! (They escort Kurt and Celia out.) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to the cockfight. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a ringer! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's the tamale guy? (The bell rings, and the cockfight begins.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Little Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him outta there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A man at the edge of the ring drops Little Jerry in. Everything now happens in slow-motion.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Little Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Stop the fight! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tamale! <b> </b> (Kramer lands in the ring and grabs ahold of Little Jerry. Marcelino's rooster closes in. We see Jerry, George and Elaine with shocked expressions on their faces, then hear pecking sounds and Kramer yelping and screaming from inside the ring.) <b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> New scene - Elaine talking to Kurt in jail on a phone through the glass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why did you get into a fist fight with the cop? You were innocent! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> They thought I was George. I'm not that bald. I have too little time left to take that kind of crap, so I slugged him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, how long are you gonna be in here for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KURT </b> Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behavior, maybe...10? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, 10 to 14 months. <b> </b><b> KURT </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Elaine hangs up the phone, takes Kurt's ring off her finger, drops it in the tray and leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Little Jerry Script

1997-01-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MONEY </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer and Emily are in bed, having just finished their lovemaking. They're <b> </b> both looking very satisfied and smiling. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that was alright, huh? <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, um, goodnight. <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> Goodnight. <b> </b> snuggles up to him and puts an arm around him. Kramer doesn't look <b> </b> comfortable with this. <b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment, Later) <b> </b><b> THE CLOCK READS 3 </b> 31. Kramer is lying on his back, sleeping. Beside him, <b> </b> Emily lies face-down, sleeping, with her arms flung out wide. One hand is on <b> </b> the pillow above Kramer's head, then it moves and Emily's forearm runs <b> </b> across Kramer's face, waking him. Kramer looks disgruntled at being <b> </b> awakened. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (quietly, to himself) Look at this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He picks up Emily's hand and moves it back to the pillow behind his head, <b> </b> only for the same thing to happen again. Emily's hand moves across his face. <b> </b> Kramer looks unhappy at the disturbance. <b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment, Later Still) <b> </b><b> THE CLOCK READS 5 </b> 11. A wide awake Kramer is right over to the edge of the <b> </b> bed, with Emily cuddled up to him, sleeping happily. Kramer tries to <b> </b> carefully move, so as to not wake Emily, but as he shifts his weight, he <b> </b> slips off the end of the mattress and falls to the floor. Emily rolls into <b> </b> the space vacated, continuing to sleep. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and his parents enter, carrying a selection of luggage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, we can only stay four days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the most of it. <b> </b><b> </b> Morty and Helen remove their coats. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Helen, did you pack my travel gym? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Yes. (to Jerry) Oh, your father bought a exercise device off the <b> </b> television. He does it every morning at four. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Only twenty-five minutes a day, and you can attach it to any <b> </b> doorknob. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are about to expire. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry carries two cases through into the bedroom as his parents sit on the <b> </b> couch. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to talk to you about something. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry reenters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Am I finally getting a baby brother? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, be serious. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? The Cadillac I bought for you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> It's too much car, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about the Northstar system? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I don't think we even use it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's a gift and I want you to keep it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We already sold it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wh..why didn't you tell me before you sold it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Because we had a buyer, and we couldn't get a free flight until now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (exasperated) Ugh. <b> </b> Jerry turns away towards the kitchen as Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry. (noticing Morty and Helen) <b> </b> Heyy! Seinfelds. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hi Kramer. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hiya Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're in the middle of a discussion here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah? What about? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry's upset we sold the Cadillac. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What'd you get for it? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jack Klompus gave us six grand. <b> </b> Kramer whistles, impressed <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Morty rises from the couch, taking a cheque out of his pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (trying to press the cheque on Jerry) And we want you to have the <b> </b> money. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (getting worked up) I don't need the money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What're you talking about? You had a cheque bounce at the bodega. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (animated) Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a cheque and <b> </b><b> </b> you sold a Cadillac?! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. (digs in <b> </b> her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup comedy is not <b> </b> what it used to be, what with def jam and all. <b> </b> Helen passes the clipping to Jerry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, that def jam is a force. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' <b> </b> executive training program. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sits on the back of the couch) Oh my god. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had <b> </b> some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that <b> </b> could be the next wave. <b> </b> Jerry lets out an exasperated groan, as Helen rubs his back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Fresh Roasted Coffee Store) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine have cups of coffee, George is ordering his beans from the <b> </b> guy behind the counter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian mocha java, please. <b> </b><b> </b> The counterperson nods to George, and moves to fill the order. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, you understand how my Peterman stock options are gonna work? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm going to the bathroom. <b> </b> George leaves. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just, very interesting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The guy behind the counter brings a bag of coffee over. <b> </b><b> COUNTERPERSON </b> Arabian mocha java? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him) Oh, um, I got it. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine takes the bag and pays for it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That Arabian is strong coffee. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's PLO blend. <b> </b> George rejoins the gang. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh, I got your coffee. <b> </b> Elaine proffers the bag to George. He takes it and reaches for his pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh Oh, here, lemme uh... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me. (looks at her watch) Aww, man. <b> </b> Okay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee) I'll see <b> </b> you, okay? (begins to walk away) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mmm. <b> </b> Elaine leaves. Jerry moves to wander out of the store also, when George <b> </b> stops him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see what just happened here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She treated me to the Arabian mocha java. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you misinterpret this how? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're crazy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry) Stickin' it! <b> </b> George walks off, pulling an angry face. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry and George sit in a booth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're buying the car back for your parents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your parents'll never let you do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They lied to me about selling the car. I'll lie to them about buying <b> </b> it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of money you think your parents have? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I bet they have more money than mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, your parents have money. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When did they ever spend any money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are their living expenses? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where do they ever go on vacation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nowhere. <b> </b> Jerry gives a little 'you do the math' shrug to George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much money d'you think they have? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Few hundred grand? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (excited) You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand <b> </b> dollars, is that what you're saying?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Course you may not see it for twenty years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Twenty years? That long? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fortunately, yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's your family history? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have an aunt that died at seven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aunt Baby. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office) <b> </b> Elaine sits behind her desk, in the big fancy office she gets standing in <b> </b> for Peterman as president. Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine. Uh, you got a moment? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, Kramer, come on in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I, uh, need to speak to you about some lady problems. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer sits in front of Elaine's desk. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (unsure) Oh-kay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (a little anxious) You know, after I have sex with Emily, uh, I <b> </b> don't want her in the bed any more. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, because she's throwing off my whole sleep. She's got the jimmy <b> </b> legs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (confused) Jimmy legs? <b> </b> Kramer raises one leg and judders it in the air, as illustration. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jimmy leg. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grasping the concept) Ohh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, uh, well, maybe I should just be honest with her, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tell her after sex, you just want her outta there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'd say it nicely. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, I really like this girl and I, you know, I think if <b> </b> I could just work out this one thing... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest with you Kramer. You might be <b> </b> more than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, lady. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointing to the door, angry) Alright, get out. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer starts to move, and thumps his knee on the underside of the desk. He <b> </b> rises and begins to head for the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (impatient) Get out! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Morty and Helen sit on the couch, watching TV and doing a crossword, <b> </b><b> </b> respectively. Jerry enters from the bedroom, carrying a suitcase. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic City. I'm performing at <b> </b> Bally's. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You just heard about this today? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation and they instantly <b> </b> called me. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Who cancelled? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Carrot Top. I told you, my career's fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Costanza Home, Queens) <b> </b> George and his parents are seated at the table in the kitchen, eating a meal <b> </b> of spaghetti. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I been, uh, thinking about the family. Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (looks up to heaven) She's deceased. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did she die so young? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (looks to Estelle) She had problems. (Estelle nods) Internal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that common in our family? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, your uncle Moe, he died a young man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Also internal problems. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> It's that temper on your side. They're yelling and yelling, and <b> </b> then one day, they're all gone. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What about your side? Your cousin Hennie. (animated) She was sickly <b> </b> from the moment I met her! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (shouts) Don't you talk about Hennie! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess you two are the lucky ones. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> So far. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> She'd never make it. <b> </b> George thinks a little and looks hopeful. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Kramer and Emily sit at a table. Emily looks a little angry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EMILY </b> So let me get this straight. You enjoy the lovemaking... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Shh, shh. <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> (quieter) Well, do you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, like strawberry pie. <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> Okay, but you have a problem sharing a bed with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know it's not what the ladies like. But without some solid sack <b> </b> time, I'm a zombie. <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me halfway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EMILY </b> You're not easy, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know. <b> </b><b> </b> (Animation) <b> </b> On a map of the East Coast of the US, a long red arrow appears from New York <b> </b> to Del Boca Vista. <b> </b><b> </b> (Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> Jerry sits on a chair as Jack, standing, speaks. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this, unannounced, visit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wanna buy back the Cadillac. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> You wanna buy it back? Why, you go drugs hidden in the trunk? <b> </b><b> </b> Jack chuckles at his own joke. Jerry stares back at him, unamused. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> I'm kidding. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reaching into his pocket) Alright, I'll give you nine thousand for <b> </b> it. <b> </b> Jerry puts is chequebook on the table <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got no miles on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You bought it for six! <b> </b><b> JACK </b> You're not me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (standing) How much d'you want for it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> The Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry pulls a 'you have to be kidding' face. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fourteen thousand. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Done. But, I get to drive it tomorrow, because Doris wants to go to <b> </b> Naples. <b> </b> Jerry starts to write the cheque, but his pen is obviously not working <b> </b> properly. Jack pulls out his own pen (the astronaut pen from 'The Pen') and <b> </b> offers it to Jerry. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Need a pen? <b> </b> Jerry scribbles with his pen, to try and encourage it, but to no avail. He <b> </b> looks to Jack, who's holding out his pen. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Still works. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Morty and Helen are by the counter, as Kramer comes in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, where's Jerry? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He's performing at Bally's in Atlantic City. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts dialling) Yeah, I need his <b> </b> shoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts the phone <b> </b> to his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, Jerry <b> </b> Seinfeld's room, please. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know that number? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I used to have a problem. (into phone) Well, what d'you mean, he's <b> </b> not registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b><b> F. F, E, L , D. </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well, I think you're wrong. (listens) <b> </b> Alright, you have a lucky day, too. <b> </b> Kramer rings off. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He's not there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, they never heard of him. <b> </b> Kramer puts down the phone, and walks off to look for the shoeshine kit. <b> </b> Morty and Helen exchange worried looks. <b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> George, Elaine and Jerry's parents sit at a table in a fancy restaurant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is so nice of you to take us all out to dinner, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much as I enjoy all the <b> </b> good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending money on <b> </b> the people I care about. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Where's Jerry? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine, (reaches under the table and <b> </b> brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for the Arabian <b> </b> mocha java. <b> </b> George puts the gift in front of Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, you didn't have to do this. I'm president of a big company. <b> </b> I can afford to buy you coffee. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (surprised) President? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Jerry enters, with his bag over his shoulder. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey look, he's back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got your message, (sitting) so I came straight from Atlantic City. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't registered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (extemporising) Well, I can't stay under my own name. I was <b> </b> registered under Slappy White. <b> </b> Helen looks unconvinced. A spiffily-dressed Frank and Estelle enter the <b> </b> restaurant and are spotted by George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mom? Dad? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, look who's here. Hello, Seinfelds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Morty half-nods a greeting. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wh..what're you doing here? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> We're having an upscale dinner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, after talking to you, we realised we may not have much time <b> </b> left. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> So, we're blowing it all. <b> </b> George looks unhappy at this news. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (holding out his tie) Look George, it's a Pierre Cardin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Emily's Apartment) <b> </b> Once again, Kramer and Emily are basking in the afterglow. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That was alright. <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> They both lie still for a few seconds. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (abruptly) Well, I'll see you. <b> </b> Kramer climbs quickly out of the bed to leave. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Morty, dressed in exercise gear, emerges from the bedroom. He is carrying <b> </b> the travel gym. He creeps across the room, so as not to wake Jerry, who is <b> </b> asleep on the couch, quietly opens the door and slips outside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment/Hallway) <b> </b> Kramer is asleep in his bed, when something wakes him. He can hear a <b> </b> thumping and a rattling sound. Kramer turns over and looks across at his <b> </b> door, to see the handle turning, as if someone outside were trying to open <b> </b> it. A look of horror comes to Kramer's face. <b> </b> Outside in the hallway, Morty has his travel gym attached to Kramer's <b> </b> doorknob. As he pulls on the arrangement of cords and pulleys, they in turn <b> </b> pull at the doorknob. <b> </b> Inside Kramer's apartment, a terrified Kramer pulls the blankets over his <b> </b> head and lies quivering underneath. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment/Florida) <b> </b> Morty and Helen are eating at the table. The phone rings and Jerry answers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b> A dishevelled and muddy Jack Klompus is on the other end of the line, using <b> </b> a cellular phone somewhere outdoors in Florida. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (shouting like there's a bad line) Jerry, I had a little mishap with <b> </b> the car. <b> </b> The front portion of the Cadillac is submerged in a swamp, with the tail end <b> </b> pointed upwards. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I'm down here in alligator alley. You better get down here. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry tries not to give anything away to his parents. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (quiet) Huh. Alright. <b> </b> Jerry puts down the phone and moves towards the bedroom. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Who was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (extemporising) That was the Golden Nugget. Also in Atlantic City. <b> </b> They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for <b> </b> tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go. <b> </b> Jerry leaves to the bedroom. Helen and Morty don't look convinced by Jerry's <b> </b> spiel. They talk quietly so's Jerry can't hear in the next room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That didn't sound like the Golden Nugget. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm worried. What happens if we have to support Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'd have to go back to work. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Where would you work? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Maybe I should talk to Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office) <b> </b> Elaine sits behind her desk, interviewing a smartly dressed Morty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I understand why you want a job <b> </b> here. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What's not to understand? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, for one thing, you live in Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm very comfortable working outta the house. I have a phone, we have <b> </b> a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for itself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking around her desk) Where is your resume? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I don't have it. I'll mail you one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind of position did you have in <b> </b> mind? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You sell clothes here, don't you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, I sold raincoats in the garment centre for thirty-eight years. <b> </b> In nineteen forty-nine... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright. You come in tomorrow, <b> </b> we'll find something for you to do. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What time should I be in? I get up <b> </b> at four, I could be here as early as four twenty-five. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhm... <b> </b> Peterman enters the office. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (upbeat) Oh, Elaine, this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest <b> </b> ham. <b> </b> Peterman strides across the office to another door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Peterman goes through the other door, and closes it behind him. Elaine, <b> </b> stands, her mouth agape in shock. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Who's Mr Fancy? <b> </b><b> </b> (Emily's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer and Emily in bed again. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe I should spend the night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EMILY </b> Aww, that's sweet, but actually I, I think I'd prefer it if you left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (surprise) What? <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. <b> </b> (pause) And you scream in your sleep. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I do? <b> </b> Kramer looks intensely nervous. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (fearful) There was a man, he was trying to get into my apartment <b> </b> last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EMILY </b> C'mon, it was probably the wind. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar. (pleading) Now listen, <b> </b> you gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my side, and <b> </b> I'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep alone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EMILY </b> (adamant) Well, I do. <b> </b><b> </b> (Animation) <b> </b> Another arrow is drawn from New York to Del Boca Vista. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street, Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> A tow truck has hauled the Cadillac out of the swamp and back to Del Boca <b> </b> Vista. It's plastered with mud and filth over its entire length. Jack <b> </b> Klompus stands beside it, still mud-spattered. Jerry climbs out of a cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> What took you so long? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I live in New York. (slams the cab door) What the hell happened? <b> </b><b> </b> The cab drives away. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> This thing is a, is a behemoth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you do? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I was, I was making a, a simple lane change. I, I put on the blinker <b> </b> and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged. I'm <b> </b> telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get me. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens the door of the Cadillac and a torrent of muddy water containing <b> </b> a couple of catfish spills out over his feet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (exasperation) You are such an idiot. Well, we gotta get the car <b> </b> cleaned up for my parents. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's your car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My car? You drove it into the swamp! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, I think I lost my pen, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smiling with pleasure) You know, that almost makes this all <b> </b> worthwhile. <b> </b><b> </b> (The Costanza Home, Queens) <b> </b> Frank and Estelle sit in the living room as George walks in from the front <b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the <b> </b> house? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's your mother's new car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You bought that? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's a Coupe de Elegance. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car. <b> </b><b> </b> George looks like he's going to say something, but then the door to the <b> </b> kitchen opens and Kramer walks in, wearing a dressing gown and pyjamas and <b> </b> carrying a mug of coffee. He slaps George on the back. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mornin'. <b> </b> Kramer walks round the stunned George, and sits on the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, boy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the hell is going on here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I had some trouble at my place, so I need a little company at night <b> </b> to sleep. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George, your mother and I, and Kramer (holds Kramer's hand) have <b> </b> been talking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (dread) Oh god. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, George, your parents can't blow through their savings in this <b> </b> community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really the place <b> </b> where they should be. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (claps his hands) You can drop a grand in Disneyworld, like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking of moving to Florida <b> </b> again?! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, it's either that or we stay here, near you, and just sit on <b> </b> the money. What do you think we should do, Georgie? <b> </b> George looks surprised, confused and thoughtful, all at the same time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Peterman's Office) <b> </b> Peterman sits behind his desk in the office which was, until recently, <b> </b> Elaine's. Employees sit around the desk, including Morty and Elaine, who <b> </b> sits depressed at the end of the desk. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss Benes will return to her <b> </b> old position, at her original salary... <b> </b> Elaine does a double take at this, and looks unhappy. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> ...and I, of course, will return to mine. Kudos, Elaine, on a <b> </b> job... done. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (hardly daring to ask) What about my stock options? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I think not. <b> </b> Elaine puts a hand to her head and sighs. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Now, down to business. (thoughtful) I have had this vision of a <b> </b> diaphanous rum-runner scarf. <b> </b> The employees take notes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories, for about <b> </b> a thousand dollars a bolt. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (shocked) A thousand?! I know a coupla Chinamen over there on <b> </b> Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (puzzled) Who are you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't worry, I... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty years with Harry Altman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, did you hire this man? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, <b> </b> you know, at best. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George and Elaine sit in a booth. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, if your parents move to Florida, you're poor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pointing out the positive) But happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Obviously. And if they stay, you're rich, but... <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gestures with her hand. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Obviously. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Quite a dilemma. You know, I have a bit of a dilemma of my own. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're staying on me. We haven't <b> </b> solved anything yet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, this is easy. Let 'em go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What d'you mean, let 'em go? They're spending all my money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, well, then they stay. Lemma ask you something... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (upset) Could you put a little thought into this? Jerry's gone, you <b> </b> could humour me. He humours me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving me so crazy down at <b> </b> Peterman's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what I do at the Yankees, when one of these old guys is <b> </b> breathing down my neck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You schedule a late meeting. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (puzzlement) Huh? What does that do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m., by two thirty they're wiped. <b> </b> (animated) How did we get back onto you?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta split. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gets up and leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouted after Elaine) You know, I got nothing outta this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Costanza Home, Queens) <b> </b> Kramer, wrapped in a quilt enters the Costanza's bedroom. Frank enters from <b> </b> the bathroom, drying his hands with a towel. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Frank, you got two beds in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's right. That's me on the left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, you sleep in separate beds. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Thirty years ago, we came to an agreement. It was the only way I <b> </b> could get some rest. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (intrigued) Really? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (confidential) Estelle's got the (jerks his elbow) jimmy arms. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can get that in your arms? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Like you wouldn't believe. <b> </b><b> </b> (Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> A grubby Jerry sits at the table, with Jack hovering over him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Jerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned up the car. You've made all <b> </b> your phone calls. Why are you still here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards, and I don't have enough cash <b> </b> for a hotel room. So... <b> </b><b> JACK </b> You are uh, thinking of staying here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (laughing) You've got some nerve. I almost break my neck in that <b> </b> death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't like that crack about the pen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> I did not. <b> </b><b> </b> (The Costanza Home, Queens) <b> </b> George and his parents sit at the kitchen table, while Kramer does some <b> </b> washing up in the sink. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've gotta say... <b> </b><b> </b> George is distracted momentarily by Kramer clattering dishes. He gives <b> </b> Kramer a look and continues. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (attempting sincerity) As much as I'd like to see the two of you <b> </b> living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss you too <b> </b> much. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's too late. We bought a condo at Del Boca Vista. We're leaving <b> </b> tonight. <b> </b> Estelle and Frank smile at each other. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (crestfallen) But you said it was my call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> We were just being nice. <b> </b> George looks crushed. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (motherly concern) Cosmo, are you sure you're gonna be alright here <b> </b> alone? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) You're letting him have a woman over?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> He's not family. It's different, psychologically. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is examining the label on a wine bottle, as George turns to look at <b> </b> him. He gives George a little smile. <b> </b><b> </b> (Peterman's Office) <b> </b> The employees, including Elaine and Morty, sit round Peterman's desk as he <b> </b> waxes lyrical about his adventures. Morty looks impatient, glancing at his <b> </b> watch as Peterman speaks. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> And so, I made an explosive out of chick peas, and I stopped that <b> </b> great rhino right in his tracks. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't we uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr Peterman, that can't have been the only time that you faced <b> </b> mortal danger. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (smiles and laughs) Ha ha ha. Funny you should ask, Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Look, if we're gonna stay here until all hours of the night, can we <b> </b> at least get some food here? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (looks at his watch) It's only five fifteen. So, later on that <b> </b> same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (standing) Okay, I'm done. I'll be back in the morning, when he's <b> </b> close to finish with his story. <b> </b> Morty heads for the door. Peterman's voice brings him to a halt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Morty. My stories are what sell these clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (winks) Morty, you're out. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what the hell I was peddling with <b> </b> those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway. <b> </b> Morty walks out, leaving a not entirely unhappy Elaine behind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Animation) <b> </b> An arrow is drawn on the East Coast map, this time from Queens to Del Boca <b> </b> Vista. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street, Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> Frank walks along the sidewalk, past a familiar looking Cadillac. Something <b> </b> catches his eye, and he looks into the car. A figure is asleep on the back <b> </b> seat with his face covered. Frank 'gives a what is the world coming to' look <b> </b> and throws up his hands as he walks away. <b> </b> After he leaves, the figure shifts in his sleep, turning over. It's Jerry, <b> </b> sleeping in his parent's Cadillac. <b> </b><b> </b> (The Costanza Home, Queens) <b> </b> Kramer stands in the doorway of the bathroom, while Emily sits on Estelle's <b> </b> bed, reading a paperback. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at <b> </b> Snitzer's. <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> (not looking up from her book) No-one held a gun to your head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (dismissive) Yeah. <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> (still reading) Don't forget, we're eating dinner at the Feinerman's <b> </b> tomorrow night. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're your friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EMILY </b> You like 'em. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've had it with 'em. <b> </b> Kramer disappears into the bathroom. <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> Then we won't go. <b> </b> Kramer reemerges with a glass of water. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (yielding) Okay, okay. What time? <b> </b><b> EMILY </b> Eight thirty. <b> </b> Kramer downs the glass of water in one go, and then belches. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (satisfied) Ahh. That was alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Emily smiles at him, then returns to her book. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry, George and Elaine sit in a booth. Jerry drinking coffee, George <b> </b> eating and Elaine reading from the pages of a newspaper. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J <b> </b> Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a <b> </b> half points.' <b> </b> Elaine folds the paper and drops it on the table. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still had those stock options... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (downcast) Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Jerry-style) That's a shame. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sharp) What, are you sticking it to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (innocent) What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think you're sticking it to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (leaning forward and accusing) Stickin' it! <b> </b><b> </b> George doesn't meet Elaine's stare. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not alone. I'm practically broke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand on that Cadillac. <b> </b><b> </b> George takes another forkful of what's on his plate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you seem happy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am. The folks are twelve hundred miles away. (gleeful) I'm basking <b> </b> in the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of pie here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm. <b> </b><b> </b> (Florida) <b> </b> Morty and Helen sit on a couch, reading magazines. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> When are we gonna tell Jerry? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I don't wanna worry him. We'll tell him next time we go up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us? He's not getting <b> </b> away with that. <b> </b> It's revealed that the Seinfelds are in a trailer parked behind the <b> </b> Cadillac. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Besides, that condo was too much house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Costanza Home, Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> Estelle is sitting on the couch in the condo, while Frank peers out of the <b> </b> window. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> How many times can you check the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (coming away from the window) I saw a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the <b> </b> other day. <b> </b> Frank sits in a chair. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Why would someone break into a car to take a nap? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> They don't nap. They make it their home. They urinate in there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (shouts) You're driving me crazy! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (standing) That's it, we're going back to Queens. (claps hands) <b> </b> Where's my hat? <b> </b> Frank walks out of the room. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (shouts) Nooh! <b> </b> <b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Money Script

1997-01-30

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE COMEBACK </b> Written by Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium, Conference Room) <b> </b> A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table. There's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with a few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a platter, dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with them, about as fast as he can manage. <b> </b><b> BILL </b> Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the one to tell him no. <b> </b><b> REILLY </b> No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox? <b> </b><b> REILLY </b> Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp. <b> </b><b> </b> Everyone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's joke. George looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful of seafood. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b> George drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit! <b> </b><b> </b> (New York Health &amp; Racquet Club) <b> </b> George and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags and paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk <b> </b> store called, and they're running outta you.' <b> </b> Jerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop. Jerry rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed tennis racquet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. That's not quite the same. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna grab a can of balls. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b> George heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop, carrying <b> </b> his gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European, tracksuit <b> </b> wearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MILOS </b> Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I need a can of balls. <b> </b> Jerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet. Milos <b> </b> reaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MILOS </b> Can of balls for the nice guy, alri... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Milos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do you? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry looks surprised. <b> </b><b> </b> (Champagne Video) <b> </b> Inside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before a rack marked <b> </b> 'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene', and <b> </b> 'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video box, when <b> </b> Kramer comes up behind her. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent <b> </b> guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer <b> </b> pick. <b> </b> Kramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that <b> </b> one. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, went straight to video. <b> </b> Elaine looks upon this as a negative. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (positive) That makes me the premiere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer takes his cassette toward the counter. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gets Kramer's point) Hah. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece of paper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. (img src="http://tinyurl.com/2rau") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching <b> </b> it, so I want you to read this. <b> </b> Kramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side <b> </b> Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, <b> </b> hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, <b> </b> lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.' <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can you do that for me, buddy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding <b> </b> document. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm gonna type it up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. <b> </b> (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. <b> I </b><b> </b> couldn't even give him his Christmas present. <b> </b> Jerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, new racquet, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy <b> </b> Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it. <b> </b> Kramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any <b> </b> more. <b> </b> Kramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry notices <b> </b> something about the piece of paper Kramer gave him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures <b> </b> page. <b> </b> Kramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound effects. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a tear from her <b> </b> eye, and sniffs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs) <b> </b><b> </b> The phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy at being <b> </b> interrupted. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> Did you enjoy the movie? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> It's Vincent. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of Vincent's picks? <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> The same. <b> </b> Elaine smiles excitedly. <b> </b><b> </b> (Tennis Club) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club from the one we <b> </b> saw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court, behind them, <b> </b> a guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful tennis. He's <b> </b> missing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He called you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, <b> </b> like, two hours. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is <b> </b> getting ever more rigorous. <b> </b> Elaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets <b> </b> his own hours. <b> </b> A tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible player from <b> </b> the other court shouts over. <b> </b><b> PLAYER </b> Little help, hey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (tossing the ball back) Yeah. <b> </b><b> PLAYER </b> Thank you. <b> </b> The ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses his racquet and <b> </b> bounces away past him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm. <b> </b> The terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy balls in the <b> </b> background. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George used up all my guest passes already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. <b> </b><b> PLAYER </b> Ahh. <b> </b> A ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> PLAYER </b> Thank you. <b> </b> The awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches, he <b> </b> removes his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tossing the ball) Here you go. <b> </b> The player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see his face. It's <b> </b> Milos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (disbelief) Milos? <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing? <b> </b><b> </b> Milos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner as he walks away <b> </b> from Jerry. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Milos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over the net. He <b> </b> fails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry looks down at <b> </b> his new racquet, thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and are putting <b> </b> their stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So he was bad. What d'you care? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said <b> </b> it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log. <b> </b><b> </b> The door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit and tie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna <b> </b> set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The executor? Of what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer wants to die with dignity. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's a feather in your cap. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps <b> </b> fingers) <b> </b> The door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I <b> </b> can get him to try that line again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's Reilly? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, <b> </b> George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.' <b> </b> Elaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile and laugh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store <b> </b> called. They're running outta you.' <b> </b> George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare at him, with <b> </b> varying levels of confusion in their expressions. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some <b> </b> space to rent.'? <b> </b> Elaine laughs, and Jerry smiles. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (confused) What does that mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. <b> </b><b> </b> You're due back by six.' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how <b> </b> would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate <b> </b> writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it <b> </b> all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk <b> </b> store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess! <b> </b> George walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer walks over <b> </b> and looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's old <b> </b> racquet on a stool. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How <b> </b> are you gonna be the executor of my living will? <b> </b> Jerry retrieves the racquet from the trash. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicating) You see? You can't let go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time <b> </b> tomorrow afternoon? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted <b> </b> businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind <b> </b> stomping on a few throats. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lawyer's Office) <b> </b> Kramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach the lawyer, <b> </b> who has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading. Kramer looks <b> </b> nervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLBACH </b> Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're <b> </b> conscious, but with no muscular function. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, would I be able to communicate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLBACH </b> I don't see how. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ach, I don't like the sound of this one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLBACH </b> Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no <b> </b> central nervous system. <b> </b> Kramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I gotta have a central nervous system. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLBACH </b> Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Naw, that's not my style. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bore-ing. <b> </b><b> SHELLBACH </b> Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (hesitant) Uhm... <b> </b> Kramer looks to Elaine, who nods. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'd stick. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee <b> </b> shop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (New York Health &amp; Racquet Club) <b> </b> A grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the counter to be <b> </b> met by a nervous and apologetic Milos. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Milos. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down <b> </b><b> </b> here. Uhm, listen... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because <b> </b> I thought you knew what you were talking about. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b><b> I..I... </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't even play. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my <b> </b> business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the <b> </b> club? Free. No charge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You could do that? <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> Jerry, for you, anything. <b> </b> Jerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere. Jerry <b> </b> looks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman who's <b> </b> trying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking rueful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way <b> </b> they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at <b> </b> all. I refund your money. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I <b> </b> just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I... <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the beautiful woman, <b> </b> he speaks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tennis, anyone? <b> </b> The woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos looks after <b> </b> him, worried. <b> </b><b> </b> (Champagne Video) <b> </b> Kramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again. Elaine picks a <b> </b> video off the 'Vincent' rack. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning. <b> </b><b> </b> (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred <b> </b> and ninety-two minutes? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's a lotta yearning, huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally <b> </b> exhausting. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls <b> </b> down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's <b> </b> an hilarious premise. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I could use a chuckle. <b> </b> Elaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward the counter <b> </b> with the Bernie's tape. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (approving) Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What're you getting? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. How much you got left? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, about two hours. <b> </b> Elaine does a double-take at this. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because <b> </b> he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long <b> </b> is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh! <b> </b> The phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Vincent? <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had <b> </b> something special. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind <b> </b> it. <b> </b> There is a click as Vincent hangs up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Vincent? <b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium, Conference Room) <b> </b> The table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food. George is <b> </b> stuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple of empty <b> </b> seats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Alright, let's get to it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Reilly doesn't work here any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings. <b> </b><b> </b> Everyone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense. Again, <b> </b> George do nothing but look upset at the turn of events. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Jerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful woman <b> </b> from the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't <b> </b> mind me waiting for you here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, <b> </b> uhm, care for a cup of coffee? <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Why don't we just go up to your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (surprised) Alright. <b> </b> Patty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to himself) Gotta be an easier way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry turns to follow Patty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TRANSCRIBED BY </b> (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, <b> UK </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The soundtrack can <b> </b> be heard from the TV. <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Doctor, how's her coma? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Oh, exactly the same. <b> </b> Kramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on the couch to <b> </b> watch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALLBRIGHT </b> (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get <b> </b> me a toothbrush. <b> </b> Kramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome of the movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you play tennis? <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Patty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not for me, I love chatting. <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Patty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's about to kiss, <b> </b> she breaks away. <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through <b> </b> with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> (cries) Milos. My husband! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (shocked) Your husband?! <b> </b> Patty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his hands up in <b> </b> the air, in a gesture of total disbelief. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> George sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story straight. <b> </b> Jerry listens. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak <b> </b> out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (explanation) He's new around here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hopeful) So, details? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because of society, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting <b> </b> turn out? <b> </b> Jerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that? <b> </b><b> </b> George wanders over into the kitchen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go. <b> </b><b> </b> George looks in the fridge. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I'm gonna let it go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You never really had the right comeback, anyway. <b> </b><b> </b> George jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked <b> </b> him, I say. <b> </b> George walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper. The door <b> </b> opens and Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie, <b> </b> The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in <b> </b> frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot. <b> </b> George stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know it was possible not to know that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (disappointed) Oww. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer opens the door and exits hurriedly. <b> </b><b> </b> (Champagne Video) <b> </b> Elaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing but copies of a <b> </b> video called Betrayed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I... <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma <b> </b> thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done? <b> </b><b> </b> The store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Excuse me. <b> </b> //tinyurl.com/2rau") The manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces it with <b> </b> another name. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What're you doing? <b> </b> The manager walks back to behind the counter. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha..wha...? <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Vincent stopped making picks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> We have a wide variety of Gene picks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (dismissive) Gene's trash. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> I'm Gene. <b> </b> Elaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his eyebrows. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (forcing a smile) Hi. <b> </b><b> </b> (New York Health &amp; Racquet Club) <b> </b> A subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about <b> </b> your unbelievably bad tennis playing. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger <b> </b> problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MILOS </b> Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would <b> </b> you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show <b> </b> her I am still a man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. <b> </b><b> </b> I mean, I wanna be a man too. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you hurt Vincent's feelings? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his palm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's the play button, off his VCR. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a <b> </b> tooth. <b> </b> George enters and strolls over to the booth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working <b> </b> for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohio? Mark's Michelle is a dog. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect <b> </b> as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is <b> </b> all. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will <b> </b> appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead <b> </b> mass audience! <b> </b> George realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over at him, and <b> </b> has heard his shouts. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (waving apologetically) Not you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess is it's The <b> </b> Pain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard. <b> </b><b> OLD WOMAN </b> Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain. <b> </b><b> </b> The phone rings and Elaine picks up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> Elaine? It's Vincent. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> No. I can't bear to have anyone see me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does. <b> </b> You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's <b> </b> have a look at you. <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things from <b> </b> the store? I haven't been out in a while. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Car) <b> </b> Kramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic stacked up <b> </b> behind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer is hunched <b> </b> over the steering wheel, looking nervous. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of <b> </b> crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed. <b> </b><b> </b> (Lawyer's Office) <b> </b> Kramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Hi, can I help you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul <b> </b> my living will. <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty <b> </b> appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone <b> </b> for the day. <b> </b> Kramer looks anxious again. <b> </b><b> </b> (Tennis Club) <b> </b> Jerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are watched by a <b> </b> small number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak underarm <b> </b> serve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting his racquet <b> </b> vaguely in the direction of the ball. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too good. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha! <b> </b><b> </b> Milos walks to the net to meet Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're on fire today. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful! <b> </b><b> </b> Patty blows Milos a kiss. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I <b> </b> am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could <b> </b> you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff? <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to <b> </b> ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly) <b> </b> Hahaha! <b> </b> Milos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking rueful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Vincent's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She reads numbers <b> </b> off doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile, flicks her <b> </b> hair a little, and knocks at the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello? Vincent? <b> </b> The door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside, so the <b> </b> occupant can't be seen. <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got what you asked. <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> Just, leave it and go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> W..well, can't I come in? <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> No. Go away. Now. <b> </b><b> TRANSCRIBED BY </b> (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, <b> UK </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I <b> </b> just, I know you feel what I feel. <b> </b> A woman comes up behind Elaine. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Excuse me. Can I help you? <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> Aw, dammit! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here? <b> </b><b> </b> The woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing there. <b> </b> Vincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws his hands <b> </b> up to cover his face. <b> </b><b> VINCENT </b> (shrieks) No, my acne! <b> </b> Vincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is open-mouthed <b> </b> in surprise. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ahh-cnee. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here? <b> </b><b> </b> Vincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage through the <b> </b> contents. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind of a <b> </b> sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Did he send you part of our VCR? <b> </b> Elaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her neck. Threaded <b> </b> onto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Vincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain over her head <b> </b> and hands it over. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (entering the apartment) Vincent! <b> </b> Elaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of vodka. She <b> </b> drops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging the bottle <b> </b> like a club. <b> </b><b> </b> (Tennis Club) <b> </b> Jerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the game, and <b> </b> Milos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight into the court <b> </b> in front of himself. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to <b> </b> Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to <b> </b> be changed. (laughter) Hahah. <b> </b> Patty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks angry at this <b> </b> constant derision. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (quietly) I told you to cut it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits him in the <b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> MILOS </b> (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience) <b> </b> Huhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah. <b> </b> Jerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and looks around for <b> </b> someone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (waving) Shellbach. <b> </b> Shellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk round the room <b> </b> to get to him. <b> </b> Meanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos stretches <b> </b> desperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet. The <b> </b> racquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted by Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Racquet. <b> </b> The racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is operating the <b> </b> automatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious and, <b> </b> as he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point at Kramer. <b> </b> Kramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at him. Several <b> </b> balls in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps, <b> </b><b> </b> unconscious, to the floor. <b> </b><b> </b> (Insert) <b> </b> Aeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'. <b> </b><b> </b> (Firestone Boardroom, Akron) <b> </b> A boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone sign on <b> </b> the wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly, and George, <b> </b> who is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp. <b> </b><b> REILLY </b> So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field. <b> </b> (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought <b> </b> enough for everybody. <b> </b><b> MCADAM </b> (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot <b> </b><b> </b> of sense. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can <b> </b> fit in my mouth. <b> </b> George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REILLY </b> (leaning forward) You know, George... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George looks up, expectantly. <b> </b><b> REILLY </b> The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp. <b> </b><b> </b> Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks triumphant. He <b> </b> swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. <b> </b> They're running outta you <b> </b><b> REILLY </b> (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best <b> </b> seller! <b> </b> Reilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before. George looks <b> </b> angry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second, then something <b> </b> occurs to him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But there is a <b> </b> deep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam stands and <b> </b> leans over to speak in George's ear. <b> </b><b> MCADAM </b> His wife is in a coma. <b> </b> George looks sick. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital Room) <b> </b> Kramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a newspaper. <b> </b> There's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got <b> </b> him a Gene pick. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to Vincent? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. <b> </b> Elaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold of one of <b> </b> the plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt wakes <b> </b> Kramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding the plug, <b> </b> as if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed and shrieks <b> </b> in terror. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (screaming) Waahhh!!! <b> </b><b> </b> (Insert) <b> </b> A plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b> Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called <b> </b> and... <b> </b> He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look of <b> </b> enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) <b> </b> D'ohh! <b> </b> George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression comes to his <b> </b> face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads back towards <b> </b> the airport. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just <b> </b> screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Comeback Script

1997-02-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE VAN BUREN BOYS </b> Written by Darin Henry <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A Restaurant) <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age, and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time you have left to live. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you this thing was good! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> (Laughs) I can't believe this is our first date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know.. How about dessert? <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> I suppose I have to get a piece of cake.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Today's my birthday. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Today? Really? <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Waiters come out with a cake, singing "Happy Birthday" to a woman named "Lisa" at another table. Jerry ponders why Ellen isn't celebrating with her friends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was her birthday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. And she picked the day! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is she socially awkward? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's not Lincoln. <b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll pass. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, George! Pizza? Yum, yum! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does it ever bother you that this organization- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nope! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> is beating the bushes- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nope! (Starts heading for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> to basically give this money away- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Noo! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Susan Ross Foundation conference room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STUDENT 1 </b> And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test. (George looks bored) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Quick, what's your favorite animal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STUDENT 1 </b> I.. I don't know.. frog? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Disappointed) A frog? <b> </b><b> STUDENT 1 </b> Well, I.. I.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Annoyed) Frog is wrong. <b> </b> (Cut to another student's interview) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Reading) I see here that you play the harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle? It'd save you a lot of trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STUDENT 2 </b> Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years- <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know. <b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to another student interview) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STUDENT 3 </b> (Smiling gloatingly) You like that, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to another student interview) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> State champs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's your favorite chess player? <b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> (Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country is he from, again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> (Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up. (Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, woah! What are you telling me for? You really had me going, there! C'mon, sit down. (They both sit back down) <b> </b><b> </b> What do you want to do when you grow up? <b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect.. <b> </b><b> </b> (George is suddenly interested) <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, get this: Mister Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine mockingly laughs at Jerry's joke. Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. mmm, <b> </b><b> </b> mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you <b> </b><b> </b> know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he was! So, I make a move to the door, you know, (makes a noise) they block it! So, I lunged for the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing eight fingers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what does that mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was teh eighth President.. (Holds up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former Van B. Boy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Outside a coffee shop) <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> (Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just want to check my messages.. (She meets up with two of her friends on the way to the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Oh, Melissa! Kim! <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> Ellen. <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry. (Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back to the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially) It is so sweet of you to take her out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KIM </b> Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KIM </b> (Casually) No. <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> See ya! <b> </b> (They walk off. Ellen hangs up, then walks over to Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Any messages? <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Yeah, no one called. <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about this, then shakes it off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone for the scholarship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is he smart? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this: he's into architecture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Just like you pretend to be. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> J. Peterman's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mister Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign of Peterman's personality) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits in his recliner) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table) do you want to start with? Foreign <b> </b><b> </b> intrigue? Exotic romances? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping through the channels) Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again.. just when I finally memorized them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, um.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Still flipping through the channels) <b> 2.. CBS.. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> get, um, started.. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> 3.. I don't know what that is.. where's my damn preview channel? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (After observing Peterman's home life) Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole book here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Interested) You don't say. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause) Let's put that in the book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But, that didn't happen to you. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I - I really don't think you can do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn. I forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking through a small coupon box) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Coffee shop) <b> </b> (Jerry's on a date with Ellen, he's desperately trying to find out what is wrong with her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> No, this is brand new. Do you like it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> (Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess that's all right. <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Is something wrong, Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer gives a look) <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Susan Ross Foundation conference room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the door, Steven is standing there) is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right in that meaty part of the curve - <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> not showing off, not falling behind. <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> George, the quailifications for this scholarship were suppose to be.. largely academic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> These aren't standardized tests - these are his grades. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses for effect) an architect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Is that right? <b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than an architect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> I think I'd really like to be a city planner. (Sits down, addressing the entire foundation board) Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a <b> </b><b> </b> whole city? <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Well, that's a good point. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Mutters) No, it's not. <b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk, and a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board members) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Irritated) It's called a T-square. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WYCK </b> You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect - after he flunked out of dental school! (Everyone but George laughs) Contratulations, <b> </b><b> </b> young man. (Shakes Steven's hand) <b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> WYCK </b> Susan would be proud of what you're doing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Peterman's office) <b> </b> (Kramer is selling his Van Buren Boys story to Peterman) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And they made it their sign, because, Van Buren, our 8th President, was the man they most admired. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer a check) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, if you like that one, I got more.. what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks his tongue) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, uh, Kramer. I don't think - <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Interrupting) How much would you take for the whole lot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My whole lot? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Name your price, man! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Thinks) 1500 dollars. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I'll give you half that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Excited) Done! <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine) consider Elaine at your disposal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps back, and covers her head in misfortune) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's office) <b> </b> (Elaine is growing weary of Kramer's childish antics. Kramer's practicing putting golf balls on her office floor) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano story?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened to Bob Saccamano? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. (Elaine covers her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, well, now that's something.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't know if I lost track of time - or what, but the next think I knew.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Adding) A train is bearing down on you?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. you were wearing the pants you were returning? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I guess I was.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Still confused) What were you gonna wear on the way back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there! (Pauses) All right, next story.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, I think I got enough for one day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, chew on that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, thanks. I've got plans. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, you should be there to document it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the poeple a chance to loosen up. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer turns to go, but slips on a golf ball. He falls to the ground. Elaine looks at him as if to say 'What a doofus.') <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> father.. my father's father before him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings, he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're spending the weekend with Ellen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if we want to! (George is <b> </b><b> </b> disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George takes the phone off the hook) What is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Kramer) You want to start? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer - gesturing that he's right on target) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where is this coming from? She's great! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things will pick up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's nothing wrong with my career! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Like a parent) Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I though we said we weren't going to discuss that now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any of this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Which one? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They were all like that! <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> NYC Street) <b> </b> (George comes out of a store, he meets up with Steven Koren) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> Why'd you take away my scholarship, Mister Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> These are my new friends - The Van Buren Boys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MEMBER 1 </b> He became so disillusioned, he had to join us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh.. nice. <b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> I want my scholarship back, so I can be a city planner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about architect, Steven? <b> </b><b> MEMBER 1 </b> (Moves threateningly close to George) City planner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Cafe) <b> </b> (Kramer is having his party, Elaine is painfully sitting through it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRIEND 1 </b> Great party, K-man! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef - because that's realy au jus sauce, huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Sourly) I'll make a note of it. <b> </b><b> FRIEND 1 </b> Hey, Kramer, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> FRIEND 1 </b> Ramirez has never heard your pants story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do ya mean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You signed the release. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He sat in mud. Not you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But I did sit in mud. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in mud! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Pleading) I was all dirty! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It ever happened! Understand? <b> </b> (Kramer's friends get restless, and beg for the rest of the story) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them! <b> </b><b> </b> (Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! <b> </b> (The crowd is disappointed) <b> </b><b> FRIEND 1 </b> It's getting late. Maybe we better get going. (They all get up to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! I don't.. (watches his friends leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Enter George) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big trouble with the - with the Van Buren Boys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, now, they're tough cookies. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their good side. Now, what'd you do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. No, I certainly don't have any stories, if that's <b> </b><b> </b> what you're implying. (Laughs heartily) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna do to me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean, like, a former member? <b> </b> (Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer) <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them) I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look, this is a list of things in his <b> </b><b> </b> apartment! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is my toaster oven on there? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How am I ever gonna turn this into a book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! I'm a writer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Make them interesting. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry reacts oddly, as if to say 'That's enough of that!') <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Wheren't they just here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where to turn! I gotta see what they think of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe we could all have dinner later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight. <b> </b><b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Damn! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman - but they all stink! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How much did you pay for them? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! (Leaves, yelling out "Newman!") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Peterman's office) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Well, it started out nicely: "I'm returning some pants." A very identifiable problem.. (turns page) "I set of down a train tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> where the story takes a most unappealing turn. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! Don't you see? The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into a side tunnel - and you run into a <b> </b><b> </b> whole band of underground tunnel dwellers! <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> It just seems so cliched, and obvious. It's not interesting writing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about if, instead of.. diving from the train, you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin your <b> </b><b> </b> pants? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Intrigued) The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is interesting writing! (The intercom beeps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Picks up the phone) Peterman, here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> You want to know something? I no longer need them! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we keep them - as a, as a reference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes' woderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yippie-yi-yay! <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go forth, and create. (Elaine gets up to leave) And, by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix. <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> NYC Street) <b> </b> (George meets up with the Van Buren Boys again) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Van B. Boys. <b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> So, Mister Costanza, did you get my scholarship back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't want to beat up on one of your own. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MEMBER 2 </b> Is that right? Then why don't you flash us the sign? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes a series of stupid gestures) <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVEN </b> That's not the sign. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Defensively loud) It was when I was banging! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MEMBER 2 </b> All right, if you really are one of us.. let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then winces under the pain) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> And after college, I got my masters at the Sorbonne. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's in Paris. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> (Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're parking meter's about to expire. Don't get up, I've got change. (Leaves with her purse) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To his parents) So? What do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, she's fantastic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I knew it! I'm not crazy. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> She's so sweet, and she's got some body on her! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> And smart! Like a computer! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> And so much personality! But, it doesn't matter what we think. Do you like her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not so sure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b> NYC Alley) <b> </b><b> MEMBER 2 </b> The next one, or you're meat! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How're your folks? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your <b> </b><b> </b> guts right here on the street! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're being very rude. Come on, Morty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse, she starts hitting George defensively, he backs off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They leave) <b> </b><b> </b> (The Van Buren Boys come out of the alley, George holds up his hand in a "stop" gesture - then takes off running down the street, screaming. The Van Buren Boys chase him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Van Buren Boys Script

1997-02-13

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SUSIE </b> Written by David Mandel <b> </b><b> </b> [JERRY and KRAMER are walking down the street at dusk.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Look how dark it's gettin' already. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> When does it start? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] I don't know, they just tell you the night before. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. [pulls out his pocket-watch (it has a chain, too)] <b> </b> I am springin' ahead riiight now. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [under breath] Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems.. <b> </b> [JERRY sees MIKE down the sidewalk. MIKE's peering into a shop window.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, god, it's Mike Moffit.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony. Jerry, that was five years ago! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I'm not a phony an' I don't want anything to do with this guy. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Mike! <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> [sees and is enthused, coming over] Kramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that.. <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> Guess what? I just started my own business. I'm a bookie! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No openings in arson? <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> [pauses, struck by J's attitude] Either of you guys wanna place a bet: I'm your guy. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [quickly] Ah no no no. No bets for me, I uh, I got a disease. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. [casually leaves] <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> Kramer. Jerry still mad about that "phony" thing? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You kidding? It's all water near a bridge. <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> Hey, what time you got? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [pulling out his timepiece] Oh yes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six. <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> Whoa--uh--I'm really late. [leaves] <b> </b><b> </b> [ELAINE's at work, with PEGGY at Peggy's drafting table, looking at Peggy's designs. (PEGGY is an older, thin woman.)] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh! These designs look great! Peggy, you really saved me. <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> Oh, it was no problem. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [leaving with the drawings] Mr. Peterman is gonna love 'em. <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> [focusing on her work] Thanks, Susie. <b> </b> [At the door, ELAINE turns around, wondering if she heard right, and should she say anything. PEGGY looks up, pleasantly <b> </b> nods at her, and returns to her work. ELAINE wavers and decides to let it drop, and leaves.] <b> </b><b> </b> [That night at Monk's, JERRY and ELAINE are sitting in a booth.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> You won't believe this but, as I'm leaving, she calls me "Susie." <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon maybe. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking, stenographer from Staten Island? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Who are you describing? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Someone I know. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Named Sharon? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I'd rather not say. <b> </b> [GEORGE has just come in and grabs a chair to put a garment bag on.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [to say hello] Mmm! <b> </b> What's in the bag? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [sitting] Newww tuxedo. For the Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green, heh! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Kind of a Yankee prom? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [resentfully dampened] It's not a prom. It's a Ball. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You taking Allison? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe-- <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Live? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Lithe. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Live? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [rolling her eyes] Lithe! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, lithe! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, you two'll have a great time there. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> It can't be worse than this. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Mmm! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> An' wait'll you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Uh?! I'm finally gonna make a Great Entrance! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Backless? Ya gonna back her in? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, when a woman makes a Ball Entrance.. she twirls. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> She's not gonna twirl-- <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> She'll Twirl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [GEORGE and ALLISON are coming into George's "house."] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants. He wants, everyone, ta, twirl around. <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> [weary] All right. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Uh--listen--did you get your--uh--boss's Knick ticket, for Kramer? <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> [digging in purse] Yeah, uh--here. [hands him ticket] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Oh! Great! <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> Uh. Say, George-- <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Woo! Courtside! <b> </b> [mock-snide] Is that the best you could do? Ha ha! <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> [sitting] George. We need to talk. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> I really, think we need to talk. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [pause] Uh-oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Jerry's "house." JERRY and GEORGE are just coming in.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> She wants to talk. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> She doesn't Want to talk, she needs to talk. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Nobody needs to talk. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Who would Want to. <b> </b> She tried to end it with me, Jerry. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What'd ya do? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I told her I was out o' soda, I went out to get some, an' I never went back. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] All night?! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I slept at my parents' house. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> And she wants to break up with you.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Ha! [snort] Can you believe it? [amused] I'm supposed to be havin' lunch with her right now at Pomodoro. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Uh-oh. "Everybody breaks up at Pomodoro's." <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> So? What'm I gonna do? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You really like this girl. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> No. I like the ball! This is my One Chance to make a Great Entrance! My whole life! I have never made a great entrance! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You've made some Fine Exits. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [admitting] All right.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So what do you do? You can't keep avoiding her. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [resolved] Why not. <b> </b> [determined] If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And, if we're still goin' out, she has to gooo to the ballll. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [suddenly entering] Hey, oh--listen. Did you get my ticket from Allison-- <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, right here. [hands it to him] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> All right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa! Don't let this girl get away.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [clipping on shades] Ha.. She'll have to find me first. [leaving] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> {All right.} [to JERRY] Ah? Oh, by the way: you owe Mike a hundred dollars. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five? It pays ten to one. <b> </b> Oo-oo! That's some sweet action! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> But I don't want any "sweet action." <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, I couldn't do it: I got a gamblin' problem. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So you put down my money?! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [impatient sigh] You don't have a problem. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Not {with} that, no.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [ELAINE's at the office, walking past PEGGY's office. PEGGY's reading a memo and notices her.] <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> Susie. <b> </b> Susie! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [coming in] Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um.. Look, I should have said this yesterday, but-- <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. See that-- <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> [preoccupied] You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt. <b> </b> She practically ran the company into the gro-ound. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well. Well, I thought she did a pretty good Job.. <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> I heard she was a disaster, Suze-- <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [testy, leans into Peggy's personal space] Look-it. It's not Suze. All right? It's Su-zie. My name, is Su-zie! <b> </b> [PEGGY feels quite threatened..] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [GEORGE is in his living room, watching TV, eating popcorn. The phone rings and he lets the machine pick it up as he munches <b> </b> and uses the remote. The machine tape is to the tune of the Greatest American Hero theme song ("The Greatest American <b> </b> Hero (Believe it or not)," written by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer).] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [on tape, singing] "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up <b> </b> the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." [beep] <b> </b> (JERRY's on the other end, a little bored. But GEORGE likes the song, bobbed his head with it.) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> George, pick up. I know you're screening for Allison. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [answers phone, good mood] Hey. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So, coffee shop? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure. [the call waiting beeps] <b> </b> Hey, I got another call comin' in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye. [hangs up] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [on tape, singing] "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up <b> </b> the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." [beep] <b> </b> (GEORGE was grooving to it, pantomime-shrugging during it, and remoting to another station.) <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> [on phone machine, peeved] George? Are you there? <b> </b> [muttering] I hate that stupid message. <b> </b> [terse] I know you're avoiding me, I'm at the office, please call me, I've gotta talk to you. [hangs up] <b> </b> [GEORGE dials a number.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [to phone] Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess you're not at home.. I probably should 'ave tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear <b> </b> from ya, really looking forward to the ball.. [hangs up and happily chuckles] Ha ha! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [At JERRY's apartment, ELAINE's just arrived.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Can you believe this woman? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [ironic outrage] The nerve. Talkin' about ya behind your back--and right to your face! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> No. "Suze!" I mean, "Suzie!" "Suzanne!" "Suzanna." Fine! But there is no, way, I'm gonna be a Suze. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No. No Suze. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [tense] I mean--what am I--some pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Who are you describin'? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Someone I know! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Named Suze? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> No, still Sharon! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [comes in, subdued] Hey. [grabs a water from refrigerator] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey, I thought you went to the game. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. [leaving] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait! Who?! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [stops] W--Reggie Miller. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Cheryl Miller's brother? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. [leaving] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [stops again] Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour Late. And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' <b> </b> he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved. [leaving] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [same time as JERRY] --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!-- <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What do you mean "involved"?! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [stops again] Well I.. ran out onto the court an' threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. "Involved." <b> </b> An' they threw meee, an' Reggie, an' Spike out o' the game. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> So that's it? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. [leaves] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Can you believe that? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother played basketball. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [suddenly comes back, excited] The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What--of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now you gotta let it <b> </b> riiiide! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> On what?! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [real addict] Ah, come-on, Jerry--I don't wanna lose this feeling. Hey--let's go down to the O.T.B. We'll put some money on <b> </b> the ponies. [getting out pocket-watch] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, all right. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [looking at watch] Ssssh--ah! They just closed! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [not] Oh. Too Bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (3+1) a: daylight LS looking up at office building; 1: full shot of office; 2: MS on E; 3: MS on J. Peterman; 2; 3; 2. <b> </b> [PETERMAN's office. ELAINE comes to the door.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman? You wanted to see me? <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Apparently Peggy--down in Design?--got into a liiiittle bit of a Tiff yesterday with somebody named, "Susie"? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Su-sie? <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Yes. Between you, me and the lamppost. And the desk. <b> </b> Peggy says this "Suze" isn't much of a Worker. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [nit] It's Susie. <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Nevertheless, Elaine. The House, of Peterman is in Disorder. First thing tomorrow morning I want to see you, Peggy, and, Susie <b> </b> right here, in my office. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [dismayed] Ah, all o'--all of us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [ALLISON's apartment. Someone's knocking on the door and she gets it. It's KRAMER.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Allison. Hi. Uh--listen: I'm really sorry about what happened at the game last night. Listen--could I have a ticket tonight--'cause <b> </b> the Rockets are in town an' that, Hakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh--he's got a real attitude. <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> Kramer? Have you seen George, around? I can't get a hold of him. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he--uh--visits the guy across the hall from me like every ten minutes. <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> Oh yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [On the street, JERRY is leisurely unloading his groceries from the back of his car.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [singing] Believe it or not, Geooorge isn't at home. <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> [comes up] Hey. Jerry. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks? <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> [a little anxious] Yeah! How 'bout 'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't pay you. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> 'Cause I don't have the money.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Mike. You say you're a bookie? You take a bet an' then you can't pay? I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say.. "Phony"? <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> Just give me 'til Friday. Please. Please! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You know, you're supposed to be the Bookie. Act like one. <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> I'm sorry. Uh--oh here--let me give you a hand with that. <b> </b> [MIKE gets some groceries out.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [trying to shut the trunk hood] Something wrong with this trunk. <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> Oh. Let me see. <b> </b> [As MIKE puts his hands there, JERRY, unaware, shuts the trunk again! It happens very fast--MIKE's hands are slammed and he screams out in pain!] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [The Pomodoro Restaurant is a dark romantic place, roses at the tables. GEORGE is sitting at a table with <b> KRAMER.] </b><b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> So--ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me out to dinner? <b> </b> [amused] An' why Pomodoro? <b> </b> [Just now, at one table in the background, a WOMAN is sad and dismayed, says, "How could you say that to me?" She <b> </b> cries..] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [quiet, delicately] Allison spoke to me, and um. She wanted me to speak to you. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [quiet] Uh-oh. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> We all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison an' I think that the best thing to do is just.. make a, clean break. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Can't we discuss this? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [reasoning] We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [dismayed] I didn't even know you wanted to get serious! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [dismayed] So what am I in this for? <b> </b> You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just.. a good time. [is tearing up] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [pause] Are you? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Wha--me? No! No. But she is. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I, I can't believe this is happening! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> George, we're sorry. <b> </b> [breathes in, pause] We're through.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Krama. Please. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [leaves, upset] Waaa-aa--aa! I'm sorry-- <b> </b> <b> [TIME: 11:13] </b> [Commercial Break] <b> </b><b> </b> [PETERMAN and PEGGY are sitting in his office. There are two empy chairs. The window overlooks central park.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [entering, uneasy] Mr. Peterman, Peggy, I.. guess we, should just get this over with. [sits] <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Just Hold On a minute. Still One Short. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b> No, we're not-- <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> Susie has been very rude to me. <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Well, Elaine, has nothing but Good things to say about Susie. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Look. <b> </b> [engaging smile] We don't have to name names, or, point fingers, or.. <b> </b> [breathes in] name names! <b> </b> [indicating empty chair] Me and her, have had our problems. She and I have had our problems! You and I, and she and you-- <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Don't you drag me into this! This is between you and her, and her. [indicating empty chair] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Yes! And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me, too. <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Who. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [uh-oh] Her? <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Where is she?! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Ah--this is part of the problem! <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> Iiii thought I was, part of this problem. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [smiling, convincing] You're a, huuge part of the problem. But, I think that at it's core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that <b> </b> requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution! And, who better to do that than.. Elaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine! <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Well, now that we have that cleared up.. why don't the three of us have lunch. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [feigning hearing something] What?! Oh! Oh, I'm, coming! I--I gotta go. [rushes out!] <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> She is The Best. <b> </b> What was your name again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Jerry's. KRAMER and JERRY are talking. JERRY's eating lunch at his table.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Mike's outside. He wants to talk to you. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well why doesn't he just come in? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Because he's scared, Jerry. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Why is he scared. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [sighs, opens door] Come on in. <b> </b> Did you do this? [MIKE has two hand casts on] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but-- <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Uh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> It was an accident. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, is that what you call it when, Somebody doesn't Pay Up? <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> [desperate] I'll get you the money, Jerry. I got a hundred dollars in my front pocket if you want to, reach in an' take it! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [hands up] I don't want it that way. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [whatever] Fine.. <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> Oh--uh--thank you, Jerry, thank you! I won't forget this, I'm gonna fix your trunk good--real good! <b> </b> [MIKE's very grateful, and leaves with a two thumbs-up gesture. But he also can't help giving a thumbs-up--that's the position the casts hold his thumbs in. It's odd!] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> See that was nice, Jerry. [under breath] Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Ah, it's just a car. <b> </b> [GEORGE comes up (the door's still open) and when he and KRAMER see each other, there's an awkward, long pause. During the following, JERRY sits at the table silently watching, intrigued.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [looking down, nodding] Hi. <b> </b> [Another pause. It's like they broke up--well they did, but they didn't.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> It's, funny runnin' into you here. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah.. <b> </b> It's funny. <b> </b> You look good.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [embarrassed/self-conscious about his gut] Do I? Thanks.. You too.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Ooo, yeah.. [indicating his face, embarrassed] {Heh, right.} <b> </b> You know, it's gettin' kind of late, I, I really have to be going, so, uh, it's nice seeing you again, all right-- <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [sad] Yeah! Yeah. Hey--hey you, you know.. Maybe I'll call you sometime. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> George, it's over. It's just.. It's Over. [leaves] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [pause] What do you think, Jerry. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [wistful] I don't know, I just see you guys together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Outside it's raining. MIKE is working on Jerry's trunk, trying to get at the locking mechanism but it's hard with those casts on.] <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> Thumbs! <b> </b> [He gets into the trunk for better access. But it turns out KRAMER is getting into his car, parked just ahead of Jerry's, and he bumps Jerry's car while backing up and the trunk slams shut. It locked this time!] <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> [from inside the trunk] Oh! <b> </b> Help! <b> </b> Somebody, help! Help! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [That night, ELAINE and JERRY are in the car, talking. He's driving.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know how you feel. <b> </b> (Meanwhile, MIKE's yelping and banging in the trunk!) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Do you hear something? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b> (Meanwhile, MIKE, in a now-hoarse voice is shouting, "Jerry?! Jerry?!") <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. They're starting to give Susie assignments now! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [firmly matter-of-fact] Get Rid of Susie. Make her disappear. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I kinda like her. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> She's Gooone. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> JERRY-- </b> <b> JERRY </b> [impatient] Gone! [starts maniacally laughing] <b> </b> [briefly stops to point and explain] That bumper sticker. <b> </b> [They BOTH scream, laughing! In the trunk, MIKE has heard most of the conversation! The laughing continues!] <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> [desperately anxious] Oh God, I'm in trouble.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [At night, GEORGE is upset and knocking on Kramer's door.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Krama. Open up! I--I know you're in there! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [opens door] Uh--George, uh--uh--it's five o'clock in the morning, what's the matter with you.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [sad] It's only four.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I--I've been, walkin' around all night.. I've been thinkin' about Allison and me.. an' you-- <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Oh, George. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Please. Give me another chance. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [regretfully] Uh.. I know I'm gonna regret this. <b> </b> [sigh] All right. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [grateful, relieved] Thank you! <b> </b> I'm gonna make you both so happy! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> All right, all right, I'll see ya later. [shuts door] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [delighted!] Woooo! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [The next day, ELAINE's passing by the door of PETERMAN's office.] <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine! Where's Susie? I want her to head up our new Fingerless Glove Division. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [quiet] Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment. <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Mmmmm--nah. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> All right, then, I was gonna wait, to tell ya this, but.. last night, Susie.. <b> </b> [difficult subject, quiet] she took her own Life.. <b> </b> [PETERMAN grasps this, weepy in disappointment, "Oh!". ELAINE comforts him.] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Allison's apartment. KRAMER knocks and ALLISON gets it.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [happy, enthused] We're takin' George back-- <b> </b> <b> ALLISON </b> What?! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> He's gonna make us very happy. <b> </b> [ALLISON looks doubtful/disappointed.] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Inside, there are chairs lined up in rows, most are filled. There's a podium on a riser, flowers everywhere.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [quiet] Look at this turnout. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [quiet] Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [irritated] Your funeral's not gonna come close to this. <b> </b> [They've found seats together in the row in front of PEGGY, who looks like she's seeing a ghost!] <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> [to herself] Oh my god! <b> </b> [quiet] Susie? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [quiet] Oh, oh--ho--I'm not Susie.. I'm Elaine. <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> But I've been calling you Susie. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Hadn't noticed! <b> </b> Excuse me. [she's going to the podium] <b> </b> <b> PEGGY </b> I guess I never met Susie. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [privately amused] Suze? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. <b> </b> [indicating ELAINE] Her too. <b> </b> [ELAINE's now at the podium.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What can you say about a girl like Susie? [she doesn't know..] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Meanwhile, out in the parking lot, PETERMAN arrives in his little red convertible (top down), distracted with <b> </b> disappointment/sadness. He parks behind Jerry's car and bumps it. Jerry's trunk has unlatched but not popped open big. <b> </b> PETERMAN doesn't notice anything and goes in. Shortly after he passes, MIKE comes out of the trunk, squinting in the <b> </b> daylight, his body is sore, he shuts the trunk. <b> </b> Nearby, there's a small announcement sign (with stick-in white letters): <b> </b> <b> TODAY'S </b> <b> SCHEDULE </b> <b> LIEBERMAN BARMITZVAH </b> <b> <b> </b><b> </b> <b> SUSIE'S MEMORIAL </b> <b> --&gt; </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (APPROXIMATION) </b><b> </b><b> </b> MIKE sees it and is alarmed! He's still disoriented but hobbles away with determination!] <b> </b><b> </b> [Tavern on the Green, at dusk. The Pinstripe Ball is starting. The walls there are mahogany, and there are short, decorative <b> </b> columns with flowers on top of them. Everyone is in tuxedos and gowns, and the music is mellow and quiet. GEORGE is <b> </b> waiting in a tux for Allison, but KRAMER arrives in his rather tight tux. They talk quietly.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Where's uh, where's Allison.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Allison, she didn't want to come. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> But you took me back. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut. <b> </b> How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years. <b> </b> All right, eh. [heading in] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Where are you goin'.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> The Ball, silly. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [afraid not] No no, no no no. You're not goin' in there. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> George. I thought you were gonna Change. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [impatient] For her. Not for you. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [light admonishing, under breath] Let's just try, an' have a nice time for once, an' we'll talk about this when we get home.. <b> </b> [They start struggling quietly, KRAMER's trying to just walk by, and GEORGE is trying to restrain him without attracting too <b> </b> much attention.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> All right, look--wait--wait--Krama--wait, wait a minute, you are not. You are not goin' in. Ah-ahhh! <b> </b> [GEORGE had KRAMER in a slightly spinning hold--by holding the back of KRAMER's tux--but the material tore away, and <b> </b> this sent KRAMER spinning into the room with the back torn off his tux! Strangely, this is well-received by WILHELM!] <b> </b> <b> WILHELM </b> Wow! What an, Entrance! <b> </b> [friendly, to GEORGE] And eh, who might this be? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm with him. <b> </b> <b> WILHELM </b> Oh. Ah-ha.. <b> </b><b> </b> [Meanwhile at the Memorial, ELAINE is still at the podium. She has her chin in her hand while talking, weary of making up <b> </b> things and of acting mournful.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> And.. also, much like me, Susie hated going to the, Market. <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine! May I say a few words. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. [steps down] <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> [steps up to the podium, refreshed] Ahhh. <b> </b> I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie--ahhh. And most of all, I will never, forget that one night. Working late on the <b> </b> catalogue. Juuust the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. <b> </b> And it was Pretty Good. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [proud to PEGGY, under his breath] Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of 'em. [winks] <b> </b> [ELAINE (who has returned to her seat) catches JERRY's eye. Though we don't see her face, his drops and he sobers it up.] <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> But Iiii never heard her Cries for Help. [sighs] <b> </b> An' nowww.. Susie is gone. <b> </b> <b> MIKE </b> [running in, still hoarse, desperate!] Hold on! Hol--on! <b> </b> Susie didn't commit suicide! <b> </b> [rushes up to podium!] She was Murdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld! <b> </b> [While MIKE's pointing at JERRY and everyone's looking, JERRY looks back at PEGGY again.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [smugly, under-his-breath] Not only that, I broke his thumbs. <b> </b> [PEGGY and ELAINE look at him strangely as he grins during such an inappropriate moment.] <b> </b><b> </b> [After dark, PETERMAN and ELAINE are sitting and talking in his office.] <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine? Guess what. I've decided to Form a Charitable Foundation, in Susie's honor. And as Susie's best friend, I want you to <b> </b> be involved. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman.. <b> </b> [leaning forward, whispering] I'm Susie.. She's me.. <b> </b> <b> PETERMAN </b> [leans forward, whispers carefully] I feel the same way. <b> </b> [announcing] And that's why this foundation will meet around Your Schedule. Nights! Weekends! Every, Free Moment you <b> </b> have. [leaving, pats her shoulders confidently] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [looks up, screaming in frustration!] Suuuuuuuuuuze! <b> </b> [(During her screaming up to the air, the camera was over her, looking down, and turning around and around, just like it had <b> </b> when GEORGE found out that he was going to be running a foundation in honor of Susan!)] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </b></pre>>

The Susie Script

1997-02-20

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE POTHOLE </b> Written by Steve O'Donnell &amp; Dan O'Keefe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Bathroom) <b> </b> Jerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth. Jenna (his latest ladyfriend) enters. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Morning. <b> </b> She hands him a tube of toothpaste. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. 'I <b> </b><b> </b> can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNA </b> I'm gonna grab you a towel. <b> </b> Jenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly doesn't like the <b> </b> taste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He puts his hand on <b> </b> the counter and knocks Jenna's toothbrush off the edge. The brush falls into the <b> </b> toilet bowl. <b> </b> There is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking up. Jerry's face <b> </b> looking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls up the sleeve <b> </b> of his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the toilet. He grabs <b> </b> the brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately begins <b> </b> frantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he raises his head and <b> </b> finds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling as she brushes her <b> </b> teeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh-ooh <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry and George in a booth, as per usual. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? She used the toothbrush! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the <b> </b> time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it <b> </b> out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How many years of med school did you have? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was she mad? <b> </b> Jerry says nothing, but pulls a face. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You didn't tell her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll take fastidious. <b> </b> George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature head, clearly a <b> </b> caricature of someone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto being <b> </b> inducted into the Hall of Fame. <b> </b> He squeezes the miniature head. <b> </b><b> HEAD </b> Holy cow! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy <b> </b> cow', do they? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just the last few innings of a double-header. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. He is carrying a battered sewing machine. He comes over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt <b> </b> expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing <b> </b> for five exits. <b> </b> He dumps the machine on the table and sits beside Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't you pull over? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I was draughting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him. The <b> </b> infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling. <b> </b> George squeezes the miniature head. <b> </b><b> HEAD </b> Holy cow! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, look at that. A talking Nixon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment/Chinese Restaurant) <b> </b> Elaine is calling for Chinese food. The scene flicks from her at home with the <b> </b> phone and a menu, to the restaurant owner taking the order. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OWNER </b> China Panda. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'd like to place an order. <b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Ah yes, what you like? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that <b> </b> true? <b> </b><b> OWNER </b> What number? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Forty-seven. <b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Yeah, first time. What else? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, that's it. <b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Address? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three E. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OWNER </b> That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver below Eighty-sixth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not below. <b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Yes you are. Street itself is boundary. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Your guy can't cross to my side? <b> </b><b> OWNER </b> If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall Street, <b> </b> Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. (slams down phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes the redial. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OWNER </b> (picks up phone) China Panda. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd like to place an order. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Ah, what you like? <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer enters. He's smoking a substantial cigar. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm a poppa. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a <b> </b> one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I <b> </b> checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He gets his wallet from his back pocket and shows Jerry a Polaroid snapshot in <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, looks just like you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, I'm beaming Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their <b> </b> so-called maintenance equipment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That old scam. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't <b> </b> about delegating responsibility, it's about being there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Quality time. <b> </b> George enters looking anxious, maybe borderline panicky. He stalks about the <b> </b> place, looking for something, frustratedly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Keys. I can't find my keys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have you seen 'em? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dammit! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you do today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got up, I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare set. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you can't duplicate 'em. <b> </b> At this, Jerry and Kramer exchange a look, and laugh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet kid. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine stands on the sidewalk, waiting for someone. She looks up the street and <b> </b> sees a Chinese delivery boy approaching with a bag of food. She ducks into the <b> </b> entranceway to the apartment building behind her, and then effects to be coming <b> </b> out of the building as the delivery boy gets there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda? <b> </b><b> DELIVERY BOY </b> (suspicious) Why you waiting on the street and not in your <b> </b> apartment? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I... thought that I would meet you halfway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> She takes the bag of food. <b> </b><b> DELIVERY BOY </b> You really live here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah. (handing over money) There you go, keep the change. Bye now. <b> </b><b> </b> I'll see you. <b> </b> Elaine walks back towards the door to the building. She expects the boy to <b> </b> leave, but he's still suspicious, and waits. Elaine tries the door, but it's <b> </b> locked. She looks, and the boy still waits. Elaine tries the door harder, but it <b> </b> won't yield. She admits defeat and hands the food back, and receives her money. <b> </b> The delivery boy walks off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination! <b> </b><b> </b> (Another Street) <b> </b> George is standing outside a store, looking preoccupied. Jerry emerges from the <b> </b> store with a carrier bag full of stuff. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth? <b> </b><b> </b> They begin to walk along the street. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is <b> </b> it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I was coming along here, and I felt <b> </b><b> </b> like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, I should <b> </b> really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured, well, <b> </b> they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while, <b> </b> twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what you were up <b> </b> to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The broad jump! The <b> </b> broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street! <b> </b> George dashes off excitedly. Jerry follows, with somewhat less enthusiasm. <b> </b><b> </b> (Eighty-sixth Street) <b> </b> George is still animatedly leading Jerry along in pursuit of his keys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling <b> </b> sound. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't look down? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) ...was right around <b> </b> here. <b> </b> He peers about at the road surface for the pothole. He finds a patch of fresh <b> </b> tarmac. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! No!! <b> </b> A car drives by, running right over the patch. <b> </b><b> HEAD </b> Holy, Holy Cow! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poor son of a bitch. <b> </b> (Jenna's Apartment) <b> </b> Jenna is at the sink in her bathroom, using an electric toothbrush which Jerry <b> </b> has bought her. It's loud. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most powerful one <b> </b><b> </b> they make. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> It's like I'm holding a blender. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry begins to wander into the living room. Jenna switches off the brush. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNA </b> (restarting and reapplying the brush) Really, it does? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNA </b> (shouting to Jerry) I was really happy with my old toothbrush. <b> </b><b> </b> In the living room, Jerry is carefully putting the old brush into a plastic bag, <b> </b> being very careful not to touch it with his bare skin. He then seals the bag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use <b> </b><b> </b> the Plax too. <b> </b> Jenna takes a sip from a glass as if to gargle. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> That stuff tastes like bleach! <b> </b> Jerry is looking for a place to put the soiled brush. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know anything about that. <b> </b> Just before Jenna emerges from the bathroom, Jerry throws the bag with the brush <b> </b> out of the window. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Mmm. My mouth feels so clean. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the idea. <b> </b> Jenna approaches Jerry, clearly intending to kiss him. As Jenna leans toward <b> </b> him, Jerry gets a flashback of the toothbrush plunging into the toilet bowl, in <b> </b> black and white, with portentous music. From his viewpoint, we see Jenna's lips <b> </b> looming toward him. He looks nauseated by the prospect of the kiss, and pulls <b> </b> away. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little cold. I <b> </b><b> </b> don't wanna give you any of my germs. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess. <b> </b> (Jerry's Car) <b> </b> Jerry driving with Elaine in the passenger seat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You still couldn't kiss her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get <b> </b><b> </b> inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something <b> </b> there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jer, do you see where this is going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Being really clean and happy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just <b> </b><b> </b> tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking <b> </b> disorder. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Disorder? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window) Hey, there <b> </b><b> </b> it is. <b> </b> We see Jerry and Elaine's view of the road signs. 'Mile 114' 'Adopt-a-Highway' <b> </b> and 'Litter removal next 1 Mile KRAMER'. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shall we stop and say hi? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, we've seen it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Mile 114) <b> </b> Kramer is standing on the verge beside a large pile of plastic bags full of <b> </b> trash, a couple of brooms lean against the crash barrier. He has an armful of <b> </b> assorted garbage. Jerry's car passes in the traffic, and a brief beep of the <b> </b> horn is heard. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back at the house! <b> </b><b> </b> He drops the last handful of trash into a bag. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He claps his hands in satisfaction, and looks out at 'his' road. He notices <b> </b> something. In the middle of the road is a Coke can, crushed by traffic. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer makes a decision, and dashes out into the traffic to retrieve the can. <b> </b> His progress to the can is accompanied by the squeal of brakes and the blare of <b> </b> horns as the traffic passes him. As he reaches the can, one car has to come to a <b> </b> complete stop. Kramer grabs the can and hurries back to the side of the road, <b> </b> where he leans on the barrier. <b> </b> (Apartment Building) <b> </b> Elaine is in the hallway of a building, outside Apartment 1A. She knocks at the <b> </b> door and a guy opens it. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from across the street. And uh, <b> </b> (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I <b> </b> could use your apartment to order some food? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Wha? What d'you want? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my <b> </b> side of the street. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Wh, when is that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kinda inside is <b> </b> all. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Who are you with? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Who let you in? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I <b> </b><b> </b> just need like a half an hour to an hour. <b> </b> The man shuts the door in her face. <b> </b> Elaine turns to leave, and as she does she sees an unmarked door opposite which <b> </b> stands open. She crosses over for a closer look. It's clearly a janitor's <b> </b> closet, with the usual fixings. A thought occurs to Elaine, and a smile comes to <b> </b> her face. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry has just entered and is removing his coat. Kramer is in the kitchen <b> </b> cleaning highway signs in the sink. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with the signs? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean <b> </b> the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes <b> </b> sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five miles per <b> </b> hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with the spray <b> </b> paint, God love 'em. <b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. So, keys? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's not really <b> </b><b> </b> a number to call if you wanna make a pothole. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess they leave that up to the general population. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't <b> </b> be happening! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hard to say. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos I met some maintenance guys today <b> </b><b> </b> on the highway, they could probably help you out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my <b> </b> car-pool lane. <b> </b> The buzzer buzzes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> It's Jenna. <b> </b> Jerry buzzes Jenna in, opens the door and indicates to George and Kramer that <b> </b> their presence is no longer required. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia. <b> </b><b> </b> George and Kramer leave, still discussing the maintenance guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think you could hook me up with these guys? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. I'm gonna be at emergency <b> </b> callbox seven-eight-four. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seven-eight-four. <b> </b> Jenna enters. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> How you feeling? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, <b> </b> which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready. <b> </b> Jenna moves in for the kiss. As she leans towards Jerry, he gets that revolted <b> </b> look on his again and turns his face away. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> What?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I <b> </b><b> </b> brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) <b> </b> and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you <b> </b> before you could use it. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> When were you gonna tell me this?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Obviously never. <b> </b> The door opens and Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I need the yield sign. <b> </b> Kramer goes and begins to gather the signs from the kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you get these signs <b> </b><b> </b> out of here, please? <b> </b> Kramer brings his signs from the kitchen and Jerry picks up those which were on <b> </b> his table. Together they carry them across the hall to Kramer's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You could've introduced me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wouldn't know where to start. <b> </b> As Jerry is about to return to his apartment, the door is slammed shut. He tries <b> </b> to open it, but it has been locked. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey! <b> </b> Jenna opens the door, she has her jacket in her hand and is ready to leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNA </b> There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! Wha... what'd you put in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Gotta run. <b> </b> Jenna departs, leaving Jerry looking around him. He's wide-eyed, looking panicky <b> </b> and disgusted. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, man! <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is on the phone. His table is covered with bottles of cleaning fluids, <b> </b> disinfectants, etc.. He is wearing a rubber glove to hold a spatula. Elaine is <b> </b> eating an apple and watching him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? <b> </b> Hello? Dammit! <b> </b> Frustrated, he throws the spatula into the waste bin. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She won't even give you a hint? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, that is a definite possibility. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He picks up the remote control and drops it into a waste bin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry picks up the walkman and begins to deposit it in the trash, then a thought <b> </b> occurs to him. Elaine sits on the couch and picks up the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you just screwing with me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I am. <b> </b> Jerry thinks for a second, then he throws the walkman in the garbage anyway. <b> </b> Kramer enters carrying a box. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey ah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how's life on the road? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't doubt it. <b> </b> Kramer puts his box on the kitchen counter. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look <b> </b> quick, but they're there. <b> </b> From the box, Kramer picks up square orange reflective objects. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? (makes <b> </b> noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't that some kind of safety thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell are you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More leg room, better <b> </b><b> </b> ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine has the receiver from the phone held to her ear. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How are you gonna widen the lanes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway <b> </b> becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black paint? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number <b> </b> forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One-Q? Whose apartment is that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's the janitor closet, across the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this <b> </b> flounder? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is applying something from Jerry's table of cleaning fluids, etc, to his <b> </b> neck, like a cologne. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (heading to door) How do you know about it? You're not in the delivery <b> </b> zone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the <b> </b> weekends. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see you boys. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine leaves. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, where's that tool shed of yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Apartment Building) <b> </b> The delivery boy from China Panda in the hallway. He knocks at the door to the <b> </b> janitor's closet. He looks at the label on the door, which is a piece of tape <b> </b> with '1Q' crudely written in magic marker. He waits for a couple of seconds then <b> </b> knocks again. Elaine opens the door, with a towel wrapped around her head, as if <b> </b> her hair is wet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was in the shower. <b> </b><b> </b> She takes the bag with her order and hands over some money. The delivery boy is <b> </b> trying to see past her into the 'apartment'. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll see you. <b> </b> She shuts the door, leaving the delivery boy looking a tad bemused. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Eighty-sixth Street) <b> </b> George stands by the filled pothole. A highway maintenance truck is parked next <b> </b> to it. A trio of workers approach George, and the senior man speaks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> You Costanza? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, <b> </b><b> </b> buried in the pothole. <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> What're the keys doing in there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just need to uh, to dig 'em up. <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> You put 'em in there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> Bad place to put your keys. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could you start, working? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts) Is this <b> </b> about money? <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> Yeah. (snorts) It's about money. <b> </b> (Mile 114) <b> </b> Kramer is driving his car slowly along the Expressway. On either side of his <b> </b> boot is balanced an orange road cone. The traffic is passing him, and the blare <b> </b> of horns is regularly heard. <b> </b> Kramer opens the driver side door. He picks up a paint roller, and loads it with <b> </b> black paint from a tray on the passenger seat. Then he leans out of the door and <b> </b> rolls the paint over the lane markers, still steering the car with his other <b> </b> hand. <b> </b> (Apartment Building) <b> </b> Elaine emerges from the janitor's closet. She's wiping her lips, following the <b> </b> flounder repast. As she does so, a woman walking along the hall notices her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS ALLISTER </b> 'Scuse me, what are you doing in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS ALLISTER </b> You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job. When you <b> </b> shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old carpets and <b> </b> scrap wood. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks teeth with fingernail) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS ALLISTER </b> Don't get smart with me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (meek) Yes ma'am. <b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is in bed. His alarm goes off, and the radio comes on in the middle of <b> </b> the traffic report. Kramer wakes up and listens. <b> </b><b> RADIO </b> Hey, and if you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly, <b> </b><b> </b> for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously right at <b> </b> mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the A-B's a parking lot <b> </b> out there. Somebody screwed up on that one. <b> </b> By the end of the report, Kramer looks slightly worried. <b> </b> (Janitor's Closet) <b> </b> Elaine stands waiting in the closet. There's the usual paraphernalia - buckets, <b> </b> brooms, cleaning materials, stepladder, boxes, etc.. There's a knock at the <b> </b> door. Elaine opens it to find Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh it's you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is the flounder here yet? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, it's not here yet. You want the tour? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry enters, and Elaine closes the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gesturing) There's this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you have a <b> </b> slop-bucket. <b> </b> There's another knock at the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gleeful) The fish! <b> </b> She opens the door to find George. He's wearing a tartan workshirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, what're you doing here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b> George joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet. It's getting a bit cramped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd <b> </b> drop by. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer's guys? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the <b> </b> jackhammering myself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp. <b> </b><b> </b> The door is pushed open from the outside. It thumps into George who is pushed <b> </b> into Elaine, who stumbles into Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ow! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, man! <b> </b> Kramer enters the now crowded closet. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. Elaine, d'you have any paint <b> </b> thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm plumb out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh man, if I don't get that black paint off the City's gonna go ape. I <b> </b> don't wanna lose my baby! <b> </b> There's yet another knock at the door. More strident. <b> </b><b> MRS ALLISTER </b> Janitor? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs <b> </b> Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out. <b> </b> Elaine struggle to squeeze past George, and then Kramer to reach the door. The <b> </b> she has to make room to swing the door inwards. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here, can you move, you gotta move from the door. <b> </b><b> </b> She succeeds in squeezing out, and stumbles into the hallway. The crush behind <b> </b> her slams the door shut. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS ALLISTER </b> I told you yesterday to haul that trash outta the basement. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I am so sorry. <b> </b><b> MRS ALLISTER </b> Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in <b> </b> their mouths. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, a lot of it is vegetable... <b> </b> In the closet, the guys are struggling together with equipment and supplies in <b> </b> the cramped space. The thumps of their movements can be heard in the hallway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS ALLISTER </b> Get that stuff outta there today, or you'll be outta here. <b> </b> Understand? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (meekly) Yes ma'am. <b> </b> The janitor's closet door opens and the guys stumble out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't feel like eating. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm gonna borrow this, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jenna enters and sits, Jerry closes the door behind her. It is clear that Jerry <b> </b> has gone overboard in his efforts to dispose of whatever was contaminated - his <b> </b> kitchen shelves are bare, and most other surfaces are free of the usual <b> </b> knick-knacks. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> So Jerry, why'd you call me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know <b> </b> now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Yes, I did. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, whatever. So, how've you been? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. (pause) Steak knife? <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Just eating away at you isn't it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah. <b> </b> The door opens and Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's nothing wrong <b> </b> with dirt. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, actually it's pretty grimy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and <b> </b> put it right on my leather upholstery. <b> </b> He hands the keys to Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. Bye. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b> Elaine leaves. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all <b> </b><b> </b> sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free <b> </b> sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is <b> </b> it? What is it?! <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Toilet brush. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I <b> </b><b> </b> can replace that. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> You wanna order dinner? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes. <b> </b><b> </b> (Eighty-sixth Street) <b> </b> Elaine strides along the sidewalk looking very blue-collar in overalls and cap, <b> </b> grimy face, etc. She has some old carpet slung over one shoulder and some paint <b> </b> cans in her hand. A jackhammer can be heard. As she walks along, she passes <b> </b> George who is holding the jackhammer. She nods acknowledgment and he touches the <b> </b> peak of his hardhat. George gives the pothole a burst from the jackhammer. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Kramer struggles to lift a forty-gallon drum into the boot of his car. He <b> </b> eventually heaves it in. <b> </b> (Jenna's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and Jenna, sitting on the couch, eating and conversing (looks like Chinese <b> </b> food). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's true. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Mm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some silly hygienic <b> </b> mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting <b> </b><b> </b> relationship. <b> </b> (Eighty-sixth Street) <b> </b> George is giving the street a long burst from the jackhammer. Suddenly, there is <b> </b> a clang. George stops hammering, and listens. There is a deep rumbling sound, <b> </b> from beneath his feet, which seems to be getting louder. He looks around for the <b> </b> source of the noise. <b> </b> (Jenna's Apartment) <b> </b> Jenna and Jerry are still eating on the couch. The rumbling noise can be heard, <b> </b> though not so loud as outside. Then, in the bathroom, the toilet starts to <b> </b> rattle. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Do you hear something? <b> </b> They both listen intently. The rumble continues and, in the bathroom, the toilet <b> </b> rattles again, the cistern shaking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what that could be. <b> </b> Jenna gets up and goes to the bathroom door. <b> </b> (Eighty-sixth Street) <b> </b> There is a rending sound, and a huge jet of water erupts from the ground right <b> </b> in front of George, where he was hammering. There is a shot from above the <b> </b> rising column of water. On the top rises George's keyring. <b> </b><b> HEAD </b> Holy cow! <b> </b> The plume of water rises high above George, who can be seen looking up at the <b> </b> height of it. <b> </b> (Jenna's Apartment) <b> </b> In the bathroom, Jenna is peering curiously at her rattling toilet, wondering <b> </b> what's wrong. She leans toward the bowl. Jerry is in the living room, still <b> </b> talking to her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future. Clean, dirty, <b> </b><b> </b> whatever. <b> </b> There is the sound of a wet explosion and splashing water, followed by Jenna <b> </b> screaming in the bathroom. Jerry leaps to his feet and rushes to see what has <b> </b> happened. <b> </b> Jerry enters the bathroom and sees Jenna. Only her forearm is visible to us, but <b> </b> it's enough for us to know that she is wringing wet as the result of a violent <b> </b> eruption from the toilet bowl. <b> </b> Jerry's face registers his obvious distaste. He shrugs, sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Holy cow! Have a nice life. <b> </b> He closes the bathroom door as he leaves. <b> </b> (Jerry's Car) <b> </b> Elaine driving. The passenger seats are piled with the garbage from the basement <b> </b> - old carpets, bits of timber, boxes, etc. An external shot of the car reveals <b> </b> she is driving on Kramer's section of road, as the black-painted lane markers <b> </b> can be seen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This is so luxurious. Woo, yeah. <b> </b><b> </b> We see the Saab weave across the extra wide lanes. From the boot falls a <b> </b> battered sewing machine. It sits in the middle of the carriageway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway) <b> </b> Kramer is manhandling the forty gallon drum out of his boot. He struggles to <b> </b> heave it clear, and then he drops it. The drum falls onto its side, and the lid <b> </b> comes off, spilling the contents across the road. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bugger! <b> </b> (Newman's Truck) <b> </b> Newman is singing as he drives. Beside him are a stack of boxes, marked 'Fresh <b> </b> Fish'. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (sings) You're once. Twice. Three times a lady. <b> </b><b> </b> There's a loud crash as the truck runs over the sewing machine. Tyres squeal as <b> </b> Newman regains control. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What the hell was that? <b> </b> The truck is travelling along with the sewing machine caught on the front axle. <b> </b> As it scrapes along the road, it leaves a huge trail of sparks behind. <b> </b><b> </b> (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway) <b> </b> Kramer rights the empty drum and does a double-take as he notices the warning <b> </b> labels on the side - 'Paint Thinner' 'Highly Flammable'. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Double bugger! <b> </b> (Newman's Truck) <b> </b> Newman still singing, although the grinding sound of the sewing machine is <b> </b> almost drowning out his voice. The sewing machine is still producing a shower of <b> </b> sparks under the truck. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three times... <b> </b><b> </b> Suddenly, the truck clearly reaches the pool of thinner and the sparks ignite <b> </b> it. Flames shoot up around the truck, and are reflected in the windows. Newman <b> </b> begins screaming and yelling in the midst of the inferno. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! Aaagh! <b> </b><b> </b> (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway) <b> </b> Kramer finally manages to get the drum back into his boot and slams the lid <b> </b> down. Then he sees Newman staggering along the road. Newman is walking stiffly, <b> </b> and is singed all over, with blackened patches on his hair and clothing. He's <b> </b> staring ahead, clearly in such a state of shock that he's uncomprehending of his <b> </b> surroundings. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. What're you doing out here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman continues to walk, oblivious of Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman still doesn't respond. In the distance the sound of sirens can be heard. <b> </b> Kramer hears them, looks worried, and moves toward the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer has the driver's door open and is impatient to be off. The sirens <b> </b> continue. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! Newman!! <b> </b> Kramer gets in the car and leans out of the window to call to Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He starts the car, and leaves with a squeal of protesting tyres. Newman <b> </b> continues his walk. <b> </b> As the Castle Rock logo comes up, Newman can be heard screaming 'Aargh!'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pothole Script

1997-03-13

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE ENGLISH PATIENT </b> Written by Steve Koren <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Subway Train) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're both reading <b> </b> newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession <b> </b> stand? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the <b> </b> banjo? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's wailing on that banjo. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just don't understand the raisinettes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The sax player? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another <b> </b> box of raisinettes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's a musician. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Musicians. Get a real job. <b> </b> They shrug and return to their reading. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress comes over <b> </b> to take his order. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> What d'you want? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me. <b> </b><b> </b> The waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading. Behind him, a <b> </b> beautiful woman enters, and approaches him. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> (to George) Neil. <b> </b> The woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his attention. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Neil. <b> </b> George turns to face the woman. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> (apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling broadly) I'm supposed to meet <b> </b> my boyfriend here. He looks just like you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (bemused) Really? <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> (smiling) Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pointing to himself) Like me? <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Uh-huh. Sorry. <b> </b> Danielle walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (confused, to himself) Like me? But how? <b> </b><b> </b> The waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the counter <b> </b> before George. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes, I am. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer has brought in <b> </b> a large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was <b> </b> closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck. <b> </b> Kramer holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the front of the <b> </b> shirt is the legend '#1 DAD'. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect. <b> </b><b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. You ready? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Almost. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off <b> </b> some Cubans for me at your parents' house? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo. <b> </b> I'm gonna be busy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (grudging) Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeahh. I owe you one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from the fridge and <b> </b> wanders into the living room, talking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful <b> </b> girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out) <b> </b> This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe he has money. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same, <b> </b> except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or <b> </b> wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens the door as George looks at him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend. <b> </b><b> </b> George leaves, followed by Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Movie Theatre) <b> </b> Elaine and her latest boyfriend are standing in line. <b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> So, what d'you wanna see? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> (indicating another poster) How about The English Patient? It's up <b> </b> for all those Oscars. <b> </b> Elaine pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing Blaine's <b> </b> choice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> It's a family in a brown paper bag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> No. <b> </b> Elaine and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy in the ticket <b> </b> booth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold Out'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (disappointment) Aww. Sold out. <b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> (to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English Patient. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine buys tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Danielle, the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George enters and <b> </b> sees her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like <b> </b> Neil? <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> (smiling back) Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Oh, no. He got held up at work. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look <b> </b> so similar. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Well, you know, you don't look that much like him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (disappointment) Oh. Course not. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> No, you're a little taller. <b> </b> George looks ever more bewildered. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> You look like you're in better shape than Neil. Do you work out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward... <b> </b><b> </b> Danielle looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and she's not <b> </b> against the idea. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone <b> </b> number? <b> </b> Now it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered. <b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Movie Theatre) <b> </b> Elaine and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English Patient. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about "The English <b> </b> Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> I kinda liked it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (firm) No you didn't. <b> </b> From the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over to see her. <b> </b> They're all holding tissues. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The English Patient? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> (tearful) Didn't you love it? <b> </b><b> LISA </b> How could you not love that movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How about, it sucked? <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up my firstborn for him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick. <b> </b><b> </b> Blaine gives Elaine a strange look. <b> </b><b> </b> (Recreation Center, Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> Jerry and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness equipment - <b> </b> exercise bike, weights, etc. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got <b> </b> medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stairmaster? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothin'. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing? <b> </b><b> </b> Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, did you get that outta my bag? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and <b> </b> thoughtful thing you've ever done for me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> In through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in, and begins <b> </b> doing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted you to see. Izzy <b> </b> Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing) Watch <b> </b> this. <b> </b> Izzy picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> See that? You couldn't do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I could, but I choose not to. <b> </b> Another guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an exercise bike <b> </b> and climbs aboard. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> This is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks he <b> </b><b> </b> can lift more than Izzy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (protesting) I..I didn't say that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> (calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you can. <b> </b><b> </b> Izzy looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they drop to the <b> </b> floor with a clunk. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smiles) Actually, I am a comedian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> That's not so funny. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> (challenging) Think you're better than me, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (jocular) Eighteen-fifties? <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down) <b> </b> Let's see you lift that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I... <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> C'mon, c'mon. Pump it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (consenting) Alright. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry walks over and picks the weights up easily. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There. Alright? <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Step aside, stringbean. <b> </b> Jerry puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy steps in <b> </b> front of a much, much, more substantial set of weights. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> I'll show you. We're gonna take it up a notch. <b> </b><b> </b> Izzy bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any effort into the <b> </b> lift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror comes to <b> </b> his face. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> (agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh. <b> </b> Izzy keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards. The circular <b> </b> weights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until he's face <b> </b> down on the floor. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> (drawn out) Aaaahh. <b> </b> Jerry, Morty and Sid, look on, concerned. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Somebody, call an ambulance. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (unpanicked) There's already an ambulance here for Mrs Glickman. <b> </b> There's room for one more. <b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Movie Theatre) <b> </b> Elaine is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this time. She's <b> </b> buying her ticket from the booth. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the <b> </b> ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good. <b> </b> Elaine turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and Lisa coming out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISA </b> We just saw The English Patient again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> It's even better the second time. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They make it longer? <b> </b> Out of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella. <b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> (to the girls) Got my umbrella. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shocked) Blaine!? <b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought you were busy tonight. <b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> (cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. I don't know if I can be <b> </b> with someone who doesn't like The English Patient. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's just a stupid movie. <b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> (to Carol) That's what I'm talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> (taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BLAINE </b> (bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch! <b> </b> Blaine walks away with the girls. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (fierce) I will! <b> </b><b> </b> (Seinfeld Residence, Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> Helen is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and Morty are in <b> </b> their nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be <b> </b> ashamed of yourself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (defensive) He egged me on. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You should be more mature. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's eighty! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise. <b> </b> Now, goodnight. <b> </b> Morty begins to head to the bedroom. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (walking after Morty) You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too <b> </b> tight. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> This shirt will never leave my body. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Helen follows Morty down the short hallway. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (to Jerry) Goodnight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself. <b> </b><b> </b> There is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three <b> </b><b> </b> Hispanic-looking guys. <b> </b><b> GUILLERMO </b> Jerry Seinfeld please. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got the <b> </b> cigars? <b> </b> The guys enter. <b> </b><b> GUILLERMO </b> What cigars? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUILLERMO </b> (indicating the threesome) We are the Cubans. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry stares, stunned. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> Kramer stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on the stove, and <b> </b> Kramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and Kramer answers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, hello, Jerry's place. <b> </b> In the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out couch and <b> </b> a chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cigars! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I got <b> </b> these guys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (incredulous) You're making your own cigars now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up. <b> </b><b> </b> Behind Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad. <b> </b><b> </b> Morty sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (without looking up) Who are they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're Cuban cigar rollers. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother. <b> </b><b> </b> Something catches Jerry's ear on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hot and spicy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes I am. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What colour is it? <b> </b> Kramer looks down at his bare torso, and can't think. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Damn! <b> </b> Kramer hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> </b> (New York Hallway) <b> </b> George and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George has a napkin <b> </b> in his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking at <b> </b> George, very much as if she's interested. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't <b> </b> have to take me out to dinner. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> I wanted to give it to you in person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George shrugs his understanding. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> (flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, and I <b> </b> know a great breakfast place, right around the corner. <b> </b> Danielle gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> (inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll take about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I wanna <b> </b> be home in case Neil calls. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Well, goodnight. <b> </b> Danielle leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away completely <b> </b> oblivious to Danielle. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hurried) I'll see you. <b> </b> Danielle looks down the hall after George, looking perplexed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> An unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Rough night? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who <b> </b> I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I don't <b> </b> like that stupid English Patient movie. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Really? I thought it was pretty good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! <b> </b> I mean, please! Gimme something I can use! <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> (sour) Well, I liked it. <b> </b> The waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello? <b> </b> (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work! <b> </b><b> </b> (Mandelbaum Residence, Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> Jerry and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive Mandelbaum <b> </b> condo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit. Izzy is <b> </b> asleep in the bed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is quite a condo. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The crepe place? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yeah. This is all big crepe money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doubtful) There's crepe money? <b> </b> Izzy wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you <b> </b> how sorry I was that you hurt yourself. <b> </b> Izzy stares at Morty as Jerry speaks. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> What the hell is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> That shirt. You think that you are the number one dad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> This was a gift from my son. <b> </b> Morty displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta <b> </b> commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number <b> </b> one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number one. <b> </b><b> </b> Izzy starts to move to get out of bed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mr Mandelbaum, please. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> It's go time. <b> </b> Izzy stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy freezes in his <b> </b> stance, arms raised. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> (pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Morty look on with horrified concern. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Call an ambulance. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I saw one a coupla doors down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista) <b> </b> Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried <b> </b> George sits at the table. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you <b> </b> thought some guy might be calling you?! <b> </b> Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he <b> </b> could get a girl like Danielle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget about <b> </b> Neil. You've out-Neiled him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, but you better keep it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in <b> </b> town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha! <b> </b> George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole <b> </b> operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello. <b> </b> In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing the <b> </b> '#1 DAD' shirt. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back <b> </b> specialist? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I will, I just walked in the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You have to go see him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Helen, will you stop bothering him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Number One, signing off. <b> </b> The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill) <b> </b> What's going on!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (confused) We're talking about people, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These <b> </b> guys don't have it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought they smelled pretty nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, your palate's unrefined. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not having this conversation. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Am not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Am not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are too. <b> </b><b> </b> (J Peterman's Office) <b> </b> Peterman lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee pick up <b> </b> notes, photographs, etc. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Another productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient <b> </b> film last night. It was extraordinary. <b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> (enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me. <b> </b><b> </b> Dugan walks away. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, what'd you think? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't <b> </b><b> </b> tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (aghast) You haven't seen it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shakes head) No. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now. <b> </b><b> </b> Peterman stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer. <b> </b><b> </b> (The New York Hospital) <b> </b> Izzy is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. <b> </b> So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and <b> </b> find my number. <b> </b> Jerry turns to walk out. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Uh, oh, wait. <b> </b> Izzy rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He holds it up to <b> </b> his chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's Greatest <b> DAD!' </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (humouring him) That's very nice. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> The best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better <b> </b> than just number one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are. <b> </b><b> </b> Behind Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and raps on the <b> </b> door, attracting Izzy's attention. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Hi, son. <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> Hi daddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (surprise) This is your son? <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> I got married in high school. <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> (to Jerry) Hey, who are you? <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> This is Seinfeld's kid. <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring up to <b> </b> Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (jocular) You got any kids? <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead, pick <b> </b> out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> (pointing) The television. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (under his breath) Oh no. <b> </b> Izzy Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> This one's for you, Pop. It's go time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Izzy Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching sound as he <b> </b> tries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face. Jerry cringes in <b> </b> the background. <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> (pained) Ohh! My back! <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> (urgent) Call an ambulance. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (laconic) We're already in a hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Earl Haffler's Office) <b> </b> A suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking, <b> </b><b> </b> stetson-wearing, Texan businessman. <b> </b><b> HAFFLER </b> Awright, partner. Let's get down to business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walks over to the door trying to smile confidently. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're right out here. <b> </b> Kramer calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door, and the three <b> </b> guys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans. <b> </b><b> </b> Earl Haffler regards the three for a second or two. <b> </b><b> HAFFLER </b> You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a <b> </b> Cuban wrapper now, would you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more <b> </b><b> </b> Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh. <b> </b><b> HAFFLER </b> (confusion) We're talking about people, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (puzzled) I think so. <b> </b><b> HAFFLER </b> I thought he quit smoking cigars. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks for <b> </b> a second) ...Dennis. <b> </b><b> HAFFLER </b> (dubious) Dennis Castro? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Dwayne. <b> </b><b> HAFFLER </b> Get the hell outta my office. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shrill) What!? <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Danielle and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> You know, Neil called me today. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (interested) Really? <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke up with him to go out with <b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> He wants to get together tomorrow night and have coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> (surprised) What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Danielle smiles at George, still a touch confused. <b> </b><b> </b> (Movie Theatre) <b> </b> Peterman and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient is playing and <b> </b> many of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman is particularly <b> </b> emotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing pieces of popcorn up <b> </b> in the air to try and catch them in her mouth. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (emotional) And I thought I knew what love was. <b> </b><b> </b> One of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind her seat. <b> </b> Elaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before slumping in her <b> </b> seat wearily. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (indifferent) Yuh. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging from a <b> </b> bottle of some anti-acid medication. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (incredulous) You asked her to move in with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) Then I'm going to Mars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if it's Neil Diamond? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, to see the old guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How old's the son? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think he's the same age as the father. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is with this family? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to bench <b> </b> press the casket. <b> </b> Kramer sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register, to where the <b> </b> three guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then he moves <b> </b> over to join Jerry and George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (quietly) Hey, Jerry. <b> </b> Kramer indicates the three guys with his thumb. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (noise - like shivery) Datiditadit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're cold? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Something wrong with your chest? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (leaning round Kramer) Where? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness, as they <b> </b> try and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Over there. The Dominicans. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to <b> </b> do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You <b> </b> know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing. <b> </b> In the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if to underscore a <b> </b> point in his argument. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, they seem pretty angry about something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the <b> </b> people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, <b> </b> shrill) El Presidente! <b> </b> Again, one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at the sound. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The New York Hospital) <b> </b> Izzy and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He couldn't handle the weight. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> (hostile) Oh, so now you think you're better than me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> (indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're <b> </b> both better than me. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Okay. <b> </b> An even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry. He spreads <b> </b> his arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums. <b> </b><b> IZZY SR. </b> My boys. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> My dad. <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> My grandpa. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (incredulous) Oh, come on! <b> </b><b> IZZY SR. </b> (indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was trying to lift the TV. <b> </b><b> IZZY SR. </b> (pointing) That TV? <b> </b> Izzy Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time. <b> </b><b> </b> Off-screen there is a familiar crunching sound <b> </b><b> IZZY IZZY SR.. </b> (pained) Oohh! <b> </b><b> </b> (The New York Hospital) <b> </b> All three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY SR. </b> Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down! <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> I still thought you could do it. <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> Me too. <b> </b> Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go. <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've <b> </b> ruined our business with all your macho head games. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (defensive) I didn't ruin your business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the <b> </b> crepes. We gotta close it up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the <b> </b><b> </b> magic in Magic Pan! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em? <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry turns and starts to leave, but is called back. <b> </b><b> IZZY SR. </b> (calls) Hey, I can't see the TV. <b> </b> Jerry walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up. HE carries it <b> </b> across the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here. <b> </b> Jerry walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> You think you're better than us,don't you?! Huh!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Movie Theatre) <b> </b> Peterman and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient. Peterman <b> </b> stares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic with boredom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't take my <b> </b> eyes off the passion. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too <b> </b> long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid <b> </b> desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!! <b> </b> The other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back in her seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (surprised) Elaine. You don't like the movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shouts) I hate it!! <b> </b><b> CROWD </b> Shh! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shouts) Oh, go to hell!! <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (quietly) Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're <b> </b> fired. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves. <b> </b><b> </b> (Magic Pan Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was gonna fire you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and <b> </b> visit the Tunisian desert. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tunisia? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that doesn't sound so bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I have to live in a cave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sardonic) Oh. (smiles) <b> </b> Kramer comes over to the booth. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that. <b> </b> It's like they're rolling a double corona. <b> </b> The three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling them around <b> </b> fillings. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo? <b> </b><b> </b> The Dominican smiles back. <b> </b> Over in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth with Neil. <b> </b> Neil is clearly bald, but has his back to the camera. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry Neil, it's over. <b> </b><b> </b> Neil's head drops at this news. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Come on, let's just eat our crepes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various tables. <b> </b><b> </b> At one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and a jet of <b> </b> scalding hot filling squirts out into his face. <b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> (pained scream) Aaghh!! My face! <b> </b> At another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded with a <b> </b> faceful of blistering filling. <b> </b> Neil sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid jets into his <b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> (concerned cry) Neil! <b> </b> The restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides. Elaine, <b> </b> Jerry and Kramer look round at the commotion. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are the crepes spraying? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them too <b> </b> tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Another scream rents the air. <b> </b><b> </b> (Metropolitan Hospital Center) <b> </b> In a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with bandages and <b> </b> an IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the remains of a <b> </b> hospital meal on a tray. George enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly. <b> </b><b> </b> George picks up a walking stick which was propped against the bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Danielle) Whose cane is this? <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> It's Neil's. <b> </b> Danielle walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes to a sink in <b> </b> the corner as George speaks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last. I <b> </b> admire your skills, Mr Peanut. <b> </b> Danielle brings back the jug. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got a key <b> </b> made for you. <b> </b> George flourishes a doorkey before Danielle. <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> George, I can't move in with you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shocked) What? <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll <b> </b> burn myself. I'll burn my parents! <b> </b><b> DANIELLE </b> Sorry George. <b> </b> Danielle takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George wanders toward <b> </b> the door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him. <b> </b><b> NEIL </b> (beckoning) George. <b> </b> George leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak. <b> </b><b> NEIL </b> (quiet triumph) I win. <b> </b> George purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves, closing <b> </b> the door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens a few inches <b> </b> and George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold of the IV line and <b> </b> tugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV bag,and drops it. Then the hand <b> </b> is withdrawn and the door closes again. <b> </b><b> </b> (Plane) <b> </b> Elaine sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia book. She <b> </b> listens as a voice comes over the tannoy. <b> </b><b> TAN </b> Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment, we'll be showing our feature <b> </b> presentation... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (dread) No, no, no, no, no. <b> </b><b> TAN </b> ...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up. <b> </b><b> </b> Smiling, Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone from a seat <b> </b> beside her wants to get out. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Excuse me, please. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, sure. <b> </b> The guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely to his <b> </b> body, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a <b> '#1 DAD' </b><b> </b> t-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes by. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (uncomfortable) Ooh. <b> </b> The guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers. Two other guys <b> </b> in '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUILLERMO </b> Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have been exploited by your Magic <b> </b> Pan crepe restaurants... <b> </b> From inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The other two guys <b> </b> also pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock, loudly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUILLERMO </b> ...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> There is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps, etc. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUILLERMO </b> Everyone stay in your seats. And shut that movie off! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (annoyed) Aww, nuts! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The English Patient Script

1997-04-10

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE NAP </b> Written by Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning watching the Omen trilogy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's good stuff. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't to myself. I'm exhausted. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you grab a nap at work. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I'll see ya'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you doing now? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going to take a little stroll through the park. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> With a gentleman caller? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, his name is Hal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the other -person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's the next best thing to being alone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters - wet head) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shower? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, pool. I just swam 200 laps. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are kidding. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at hose babies (hands). They're prunes. I saw Conrad going up to oyur place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How is that coming? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A little slow. I've got to hold this guy's hand on every little decision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the Omen right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What exactly was that kid? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Oh, George, have you seen the American league directory? It is a big green book. Oh, thanks kiddo. <b> </b><b> </b> (Central park) <b> </b><b> HAL </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I don't care. It was delicious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wanna sit down? <b> </b><b> HAL </b> Oh, I don't sit on park benches. They're very bad for the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> HAL </b> I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back in ", or "Good Vertibrations". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HAL </b> Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard". <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Oh, Jerry are you okay with this hinge? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> I can get you any kind you want, you know. Four holes, three holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Oh, these are different. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Drop one. . . . left! <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, look at my eyes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A little less beady today. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sounds like a really cool fort. <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding or do you want me to bevel it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you what I would like you to do with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Conrad, is it? <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Conrad, Connie, or Con, whatever you prefer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, let me ask you a question. Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk to give it a little more headroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's kind of tied up here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It'll have to be a night job anyway. You don't normally work after dinner, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> There is no normal, whatever jerry wants. He wants me here late, I'm here late, he wants me here early, I'm here early, he . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you just work on George's project for a while? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Whatever you want. <b> </b> (Next day - on the telephone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So how was Wednesday's walk in the park with Hal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, it was okay,. He's coming over later to watch a movie. Hey listen, what's better for your back? Couch cushions or a folding chair? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, maybe we'll just stand and watch the tv. (knock knock). I gotta go someone's at my door. Yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DELIVERY GUY </b> Delivery. Elaine Benes? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> DELIVERY GUY </b> We're from the Lumbar Yard, we got your mattress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mattress, I didn't order a mattress. Who sent this? Hal Kitzmiller? <b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you think it might be possible to add a little shelf like, uh, for an alarm clock? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> You mean like that big? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like this. <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Yeah, I can do that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks. You know this could sound crazy but, what do you think about adding a drawer for - like a blanket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Blanket or quilt? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Blanket. <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> That thick? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe like this. <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Like that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, like that. <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> If that is what you want. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That is what I want. <b> </b> (Later) <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Hey George, you want this cup holder mounted on the left, or the right, or the middle, . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whatever!!. . . . Oh oh oh this is unbelievable. This is better than my bed at home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Its been a long night. You go home and get some sleep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> If that's what you want. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's what I want. <b> </b><b> W </b> Morning George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good morning Mr. Wilhelm. <b> </b> (George escapes under his desk) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> got problems Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real grove so I decided to keep going. But at ten they start the aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How long did that last? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A half hour then diving class started. Well... that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim 'cause that pooll can't hold me, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How was the movie? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to my apartment. The nerve of that guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> ELAINE </b> He's got a back problem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> After one date! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's that guy's last name again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kitzmiller. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you going to do with the mattress? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. Chuck it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no no no no I'll take it. Why don't you come over. Let's see if it will fit in my bedroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, all right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My old one sprung a leak. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have a water bed? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sand! It's like sleeping on the beach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> enters) <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Hi, Jerry I'm sorry I'm late. George and I have been up working all night long. I can make up the time in any number of ways. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about this? . . . Finish this thing up today! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Couple of questions for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. No more questions. Just figure it out for yourself and get it done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> All right Jerry. But I can figure it out myself any way you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just . . . do it. <b> </b> (Jerry exits) <b> </b> (George's office) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Costanza? Where's Costanza? . . . Excusé mois? Have you seen Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> I've seen him around. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Um, I'm stuck on this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know the name of that. "She's a heart breaker, love taker . . ..Oh. Oh" . . .very catchy. You know what? I can't stay awake for that guy. What is this? People? Um, the most beautiful people people. Ally Selica, Nothing wrong with that uh? <b> </b><b> </b> (Monks) <b> </b><b> HAL </b> Elaine, your taking this totally the wrong way. That's not what Ii intended. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what did you intend, Hal? <b> </b><b> HAL </b> I just wanted you to have the comfort and report you deserve. That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Custom designed? <b> </b><b> HAL </b> They adjust the foam density and spring tension to your body type. I estimated your height and weight. Five eight, about 110 pounds? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAL </b> So you do like the mattress? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I love it. I'm glad . . . I kept it. <b> </b><b> </b> (East River) <b> </b><b> FATHER </b> Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SON </b> Hey, there's a man swimming in the water. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> Naw, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they through the body in the river. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's hall) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that smell? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's East River. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you swim in that water? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I saw a couple of other guys out there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Swimming? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> Jerry looks around the new renovation. <b> </b> (Elaine's) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (on phone) Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine, thanks for bringing my mattress back. And I guess I'll just get my spare key from you - whenever. All right, bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, this is a good mattress. Sniff, sniff, Ugh! <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Office) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> What is with this guy? I've been waiting three and a half hours. Should I go? No way Jack! ??? at the registrar again, I'll tell you that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECONRAD </b> Mr. Steinbrenner? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> That's what they call me. <b> </b><b> SECONRAD </b> Your grandchildren are here to see you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Oh, well, send them in. Send the little tykes in. ... little people .. pony express ... wow, <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on phone) hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help( me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, . . . <b> </b><b> XX </b> Hi, <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away. <b> </b><b> XX </b> Hi, I'm Brady. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ?? get away?? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you just have him paged? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just CALL! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I should have some reason. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Hey you kids know tunes; see if this song rinSTEINBRENNER a bell, "Heartbreaker <b> , . . . " </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECONRAD </b> Mr. Steinbrenner we just received a call. There's a bomb in the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> A bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick, everyone under the desk. <b> </b><b> </b> (Steinbrenner's office) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Boy can you think of what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry sir. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> ???? about that bomb. You climbed under that desk because you have ESP. George, what's on my mind? . . . Meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist had a specific demand. Not more cheap adjustable hats on hat day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's new renovated apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What the hell is this? Where are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Over here. You can see right through here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is this. It's like you're selling movie tickets back here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's kind of cozy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you're not going to believe what Kramer did to my mattress. . . . I can't talk to you like this. So Kramer completely funked up my mattress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does it smell like the East River? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How did you know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, GREAT! <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh man, I'm on the wrong floor again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, thanks for ruining my mattress. It reeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted. <b> </b><b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld. . . . What the hell happened here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. Look at how obtrusive this is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It is obtrusive, isn't it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It is very obtrusive. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think it's that bad. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can't get a stool in here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No the stools go over there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, that's no good. I'm leaving. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm with you. I'm going back to my place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fitted Hat Day! That's what you asked Steinbrenner for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Guess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day? Me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey look at you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE <b> OUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT </b><b> PEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP. </b><b> I GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No knock offs. I want the ones like the real players wear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> ??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT! </b><b> AND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER </b><b> BACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could you at least get a hat for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> FINE? WHAT SIZE? </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seven and five eighths <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> SEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are you shouting? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I DON'T KNOW. It's this place. I'm very uncomfortable here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's) <b> </b><b> HAL </b> So are you liking the mattress? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am totally loving it. Uh, you know ... we should um ... get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAL </b> What is that smell? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What smell? <b> </b><b> HAL </b> I think it's the mattress. Did something happen to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no, oh, you know what that is? I um, went claming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAL </b> Claming? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Steinbrenner's office) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Yes, yes, come in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist. I told him to call back here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Just let me ask you something. Is it "February" or " February"? Because I prefer "Febuary" and what is this "ru"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (phone rinSTEINBRENNER) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me put that on speaker phone. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Hello are you the bomber? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes this is the terrorist bomber. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Costanza here is busting his ass on those hats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> think I've changed my mind. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You don't want them, then goodbye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ??? sir. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Well what do you want instead? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Well, you're the terrorist. You're going to want something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> All right George, you can handle that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George hanSTEINBRENNER up phone) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Costanza what the hell are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You have to stand tough sir. That's why I had to hang up the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to run around the stadium and close all the windows. That's where I'm going, pal. And I'll tell you something else. I'm very nervous. <b> </b><b> </b> (On the street) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Gotta get some of that stuffed crust pizza. cheese crust pizza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAL </b> It's just more cheese. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll tell you something. It'll be years before they find places to hide more cheese on a pizza. Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi. This is Hal. Hal, this is Kramer. Kramer, Hal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hal, .. uh Langerhans. <b> </b><b> HAL </b> Kitzmiller. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Kitzmiller. That's right <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You feeling jiff? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm jiff. <b> </b><b> HAL </b> That smell... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, listen I gotta get to the pier. The ferry traffic is really bad around four thirty. Look, I still got the key to your apartment and I'll get it back to you as soon as I can. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, baby. <b> </b> (Under George's desk) <b> </b> (alarm clock) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lunch. <b> </b> (At the river) <b> </b><b> HAL </b> Kramer? Can I talk to you a minute? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, sure, um, oh boy, . . . <b> </b><b> HAL </b> Kitzmiller. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's it. <b> </b><b> HAL </b> You and Elaine are pretty close. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, we go back a ways. <b> </b><b> HAL </b> And you've, . . . how do I put this? You've been in her bed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> HAL </b> But this isn't still going on. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. She put a stop to that. <b> </b><b> HAL </b> That's all I needed to know. So you actually swim in this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the body. It's great for the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAL </b> Great for the back. Right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Four hours in this chop and I'm a full inch taller. . . . Giddyup. <b> </b><b> </b> {George's office)) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> "Heatbreaker, Brewbaker, ..." Hey George, I remember that tune. George? George? Um, what's that ticking. Oh oh. Oh, oooh,...wo wo wo wo . (runs out) fire in the hole! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wouldn't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up. Ug, oh, okay, . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> You want it back the way it was? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> You know I don't get you Seinfeld. You want something one day. The next day you don't like it. Come on man, make a decision. <b> </b><b> </b> (phone rinSTEINBRENNER) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One second. Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry you gotta help me. I threw my back out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just lie down. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am lying down. I am trapped under a funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor or at least come over and roll this thing off of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. I'll be right there., Conrad I gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Stay, go whatever. <b> </b> (At the river, Hall and more people) <b> </b><b> HAL </b> Hey, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> HAL </b> I told my Chiropractor how swimming in the river made my back heal. He recommended it to all his patients. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLD MAN </b> Step aside. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He just sunk like a stone. <b> </b> (Steinbrenner's office) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sir, I'm sure it's not a police matter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Don't be so sure George. Mess with them and they're messing with you. All right boys send it in <b> </b><b> </b> (bomb disposal robot enters George's office) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> What's that figure ahead? Is that anything? Okay, let's check the desk. That's where I heard the ticking. Search each one of those drawers starting with the top one. So, empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOMB COP </b> Looks like there's more compartments underneath. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Compartments underneath, that's probably where it is. Okay boys, let 'er rip. I'll tell you what George. Starting tomorrow no more desks. Just Lucite tables and four leSTEINBRENNER. <b> </b><b> </b> (East River) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, watch where you're kicking! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe it. Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi Connie, Jerry around? <b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> No, and I prefer "Conrad". So I heard what happened to the desk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There was something so reassuring about that cozy little space. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONRAD </b> Yeah, well, whatever. See ya' <b> </b> (Later at Jerry's) <b> </b> (Jerry enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, back to normal. Not bad for four thousand bucks. . . . I can't believe I got the Low Fat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Nap Script

1997-04-24

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE YADA YADA </b> Written by Peter Mehlman &amp; Jill Franklyn <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, Marcy, you should've seen me in the hot tub yoday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was naked. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Oh, George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I saw it. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> How'd he look? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. I wouldn't see it again. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> You know, a friend of mine thought she got Legonare's disease in the hot tub. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? What happened? <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg salad. I'll be right back. (She gets up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I noticed she's big on the phrase "yada yada." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is "yada yada" bad? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, "yada yada" is good. She's very succinct. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She is succinct. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. (Tim the dentist enters Monk's) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, dentist of the stars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's up? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, where you just at the health club? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna. You know, it was more like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya. (Jerry and George give confused looks) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Booze is not a religion. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess what? Beth Lookner called me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out hat marriage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie have listed me a reference for an adoption agency. They're trying to get a baby. (Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the same shirt) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, all right, who looks better in this shirt? Me or Mickey? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> We're double dating tonight, and if we wear the same shirt we'll look like idiots. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm, turn around. (They turn around) Both so striking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Tell me about it. We just picked up two women at the Gap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How did you decide which one of you would date which girl? (They pause then look at each other) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCY </b> So I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own business, and, yada yada yada, I get a free massage and a facial. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What a succinct story. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Are you close with your parents? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, they gave birth to me, and, yada yada... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Yada what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yada yada yada... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> (To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine looked at for them) I like your shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you too seem to have the same taste. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Well I like it, too. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I have the same shirt. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Yeah, well I'm wearin' it. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> I like your shirt too. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Oh, so do I. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. (Waiter approaches table) <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Anything to drink? Some wine, perhaps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I like Merlot. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> I love Merlot. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> I'm crazy about Merlot. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I live for Merlot. <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> We're out of Merlot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENT </b> So you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty well? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Do you socialize with them often? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we go to the movies, Arnie's a real film buff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Actually, I remember this one time, um, this is funny. Um, we went to see the movie Striptease. I don't know if you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway, I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, "Would you SHUT UP?!" I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get ah-- But they're nice people. (Elaine tries to smile realizing her mistake) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you're in here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you doing here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I knew you had an appointment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is very awkward. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll leave when the guy comes in. I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. You know, I can cross over my whole life story. (Picks up dental tool) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you don't play with that. That's going in my mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, what this thing? Whew! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, that's enough. Now get going. Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George... <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Um... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fine, I'll make an appointment. (He leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Those aren't mahtzah balls. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Why not? I'm Jewish, remember? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, but... <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> 5000. </b> <b> </b><b> TIM </b> 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why are you so concerned about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE </b> Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey enter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't believe that. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> If you had gotten into the backseat of the car we could've figured this whole thing out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why were you holding the door open for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Not for you! Who holds a door open for a man? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I thought it was a nice gesture. But I guess I was wrong! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Let's just put they're names in a hat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't even know their names! Look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I'm not sure she was my type. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, everybody's your type. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> What the hell does that mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You've been married three times. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> That's it, it's go time! (Charges toward Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry and Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, take it easy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, hey, hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, let him go. You want throw? Let's throw! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Hold on a second. All right, look, I got an idea. Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> That's not bad. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, so we let the girls decide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> No, no one wears the shirt next time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right, 'cause they already saw it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> We'll look like idiots. (They exit) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCY </b> So what's she doing now? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yada. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Speaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up? <b> </b><b> ARNIE </b> Well our adoption application was denied. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really. <b> </b><b> BETH </b> The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> BETH </b> So we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How you doing? <b> </b><b> FATHER </b> I have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter Tim) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Well, the Curtis, why don't you come in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the one about the Pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you later. (Exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatley. (Like "Newman") <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are they doing here? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I told you we should've gotten here a half hour early. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, all right. Now what're we gonna do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> All right, don't panic. Let's just decide now. Which one do you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'll take Julie. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I knew you wanted her. That's who I wanted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'll take Karen. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> No, no, you think I'm fallin' for that? I'll take Karen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, which one is Julie? (They walk over to the table and fight over who sits where) Hey, you ladies look lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Whatley sayd to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? No, I said hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what're you gonna do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're not getting a baby so you're taking them out to lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thought it would be nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poor Beth. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Arnie's just as upset. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh screw him! (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you yada yada'd over the best part. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I mentioned the bisk. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over to bathroom. Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I gotta do somethin'. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George is already in there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't work it out. You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you were leaning towards Julie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I was, but the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well it was a helluva yada yada. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> He's moving to Seattle. We wanted to say goodbye, I was just getting out of the shower, and yada yada yada-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, enough! Enough! From now on, no more yada yada's. Just give me the full story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell me about the free facial. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Okay, well, like I said I was on 3rd Avenue, and I stopped by a large department store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Which one? <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Bloomingdale's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very good. Go on. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Oh, and I stole a Piaget watch. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> And then, I was on such a... high, that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, and skipped out on the bill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shoplifting. <b> </b><b> MARCY </b> Well, what about you? You told me that you were engaged. What was the rest of that? (Pause) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me, Mother? <b> </b><b> NUN </b> Sister. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NUN </b> Well not until tomorrow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm, I really need to speak with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> That's a kneeler. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. (Adjusts accordingly) <b> </b><b> FATHER </b> Tell me your sins, my son. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> That's no sin. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> And this offends you as a Jewish person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> Well. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> I haven't heard that one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father starts laughing) Father... <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> One second... Well, if it would make you feel better I could speak to Dr. Whatley. I have to go back and have a wisdom teeth removed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> Um... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newer magazines. <b> </b><b> FATHER </b> Now if you'll excuse me. (Closes door. George enters confessional.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I gotta talk to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Hi, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Got a minute? <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Uh, actually my parents are over, but, would you like to meet them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> (Parents enter and are little people like Mickey) Mom, Dad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ARNIE </b> Elaine, I have to ask you something. What exactly happened down there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys and, da da da da da, more questions, bleh bleh bleh.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ARNIE </b> All right, shut up! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Again you are telling me to shut up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ARNIE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You yelled that time at the movies. That's why you're not getting the baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ARNIE </b> Oh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and I'll make sure that it all gets worked out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ARNIE </b> All right, just don't screw it up this time! (He exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, again with the yelling. Not a fan of the yelling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (In pain) Oh, are you about done? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> I'm just getting warmed up. Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Father Curtis told me about your little joke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about all your Jewish jokes? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Jews? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Date with Karen? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, Julie. She's the one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to Karen? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, small world. So little people can have not little people children? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to hime that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Those people, listen to yourself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, he's just a dentist. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am not an anti-dentite! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They do have their own schools! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> One little baby, whatever you have in stock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Miss Benes... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look it, look it, Ryan. These people are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the fun way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETH </b> Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but you always said you'd be there for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what's wrong? <b> </b><b> BETH </b> I'm thinking of leaving Arnie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Talk to me. <b> </b><b> BETH </b> He met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened, and he yada yada'd me. I mean, could he be having an affair? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETH </b> But we just got married. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well obviously that was a mistake. You need to forget about Arnie. The important thing is you're moving on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETH </b> Why would Elaine do that to me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and Karen enter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Hey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm kinda in the middle of something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Karen and I are getting married. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (To Beth) How many is that for you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETH </b> Two. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> You're a lightweight. Come on, honey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with Beth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beth and Arnie broke up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So they don't want a baby? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shaking his head no) Pff. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna be sick. (George enters alone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, where's Marcy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. (Kramer and Julie enter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Kramer, over here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just assume not sit next to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and his parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nice looking family. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Very handsome. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing? <b> </b><b> MR. ABBOTT </b> Hey Kramer. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Oh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this. (She exits quickly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Mr. Abbott. <b> </b><b> MR. ABBOTT </b> That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETH </b> What was that all about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETH </b> Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> BETH </b> A dentist. (They laugh) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a good one. Dentists. <b> </b><b> BETH </b> Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes a smile) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where's Beth? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She went out to get her head shaved. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> We are gathered her today to unite this couple in holy... matrimony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> Marriage is not an intervention to be entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I pronounce you man and wife. (They kiss, walk toward exit) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> (To Kramer) I really wanted you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Yada Yada Script

1997-05-01

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MILLENNIUM </b> Written by Jennifer Crittenden <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Putumayo) <b> </b> Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining some sort of <b> </b> footwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, excuse me. <b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> Be with you in a minute. (turns her back to Elaine and continues into <b> </b><b> </b> phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhm, I just have a question. <b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> (into phone) I know, the margaritas in that place are so strong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like to buy these hirachis. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> (into phone) So? What else is goin' on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shouts) HEY!! <b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> Listen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine) Yes? What can I do for you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (tosses the hirachis onto the counter) Nothing. You, just lost a <b> </b> customer. <b> </b> Elaine stalks to the door, but ruins her exit by trying to push open a door she <b> </b> should pull. <b> </b> (Valerie's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry, pulling on his jacket, and Valerie preparing to leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the previews. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut <b> </b><b> </b> up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go. <b> </b><b> </b> Valerie heads toward the door. Jerry sits by the phone, lifts the receiver and <b> </b> prepares to dial. As he does so, he notices button '07' on the speed-dial is <b> </b> marked 'JERRY'. He looks surprised and pleased together. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and George stood talking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're on the speed dial? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> After two dates! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What number? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seven. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha! You know, it's a pain to change that. You gotta lift up that <b> </b> plastic thing with a pen. <b> </b> The door opens and Kramer enters. He's carrying a couple of folding chairs in <b> </b> each hand. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b> Kramer carries the chairs across the room. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It all right if I keep these here for a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve <b> </b><b> </b> party. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're gonna keep these here for eight months?! <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer props the chairs up against a wall. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. The millennium. I told <b> </b> you about that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep <b> </b> in front of 'em. <b> </b> Kramer exits. George has taken one of the chairs, unfolded it, and is sat with <b> </b> his feet up on the back of the couch, hands behind his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, so get this. I get a call this morning from one of the Mets front <b> </b><b> </b> office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably wanna pick my <b> </b><b> </b> brains. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really, why d'you think they're taking you out to lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (thoughtful) I have no idea. <b> </b> Elaine enters, throws her bag on the table. She's in a bad mood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, I have had it with those Mayans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't mind the Mayans. <b> </b> Elaine gets another of the folding chairs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (unfolding chair) You know that store, Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to <b> </b> buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely ignored me. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters carrying more chairs. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, we talking hirachis? I know a great store for hirachis. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, not Putumayo. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah, Marcellino, he turned me on to <b> </b> it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (slightly worried) You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous about <b> </b> this lunch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What'd you have? <b> </b> Kramer enters again. This time he has a large bunch of multi-coloured balloons <b> </b> on ribbons. He ties the bunch to Elaine's chair. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? They'll be alright. (begins to <b> </b><b> </b> leave) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (at the door) Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday <b> </b><b> </b> balloons. <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George sits in a booth. Opposite him are two guys from the Mets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MINKLER </b> George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need somebody to head up scouting, and <b> </b><b> </b> we think that someone might be you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (surprise) Head of scouting? <b> </b><b> MOONEY </b> Interested? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (playing it cool) I'm still here. <b> </b><b> MINKLER </b> Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an offer <b> </b> while you're still under contract. <b> </b><b> MOONEY </b> You understand what we're talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're talking... <b> </b><b> MINKLER </b> No, no. <b> </b><b> MOONEY </b> We're *not* talking. We're just, talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you need me to get fired. <b> </b><b> MINKLER </b> We didn't say that. <b> </b><b> MOONEY </b> We couldn't say that, because even if we did... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MINKLER </b> ...we couldn't say that we said it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOONEY </b> You see what we're saying? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (jokingly) You are still paying for this lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MINKLER </b> (serious) We didn't say that. <b> </b> (Valerie's Apartment) <b> </b> Valerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment. Jerry <b> </b> arrives, obviously a little rushed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. <b> </b><b> </b> How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner? <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> (pointedly) Someplace nice this time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I'd heard good <b> </b><b> </b> things. <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> (rising) I don't know, got a two in Zagat's. <b> </b><b> </b> Valerie rises and leaves the room. As she goes, Jerry sits beside the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lemme just check my messages. (to himself) Maybe a nicer girl called. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry presses the '07' button, without looking. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Who's this? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Jane. What number did you dial? <b> </b> He looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked 'JANE', and his <b> </b> name now next to '09'. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seven? <b> </b> (Putumayo) <b> </b> Gladys is behind the counter. Through the window, Elaine can be seen outside. <b> </b> Elaine bangs on the window to get Gladys' attention. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! See these? (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo <b> </b><b> </b> de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves) <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and Kramer sit at the table. Jerry reading a newspaper, Kramer with a <b> </b> clipboard. George is heard outside the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (singing) Meet the Mets... <b> </b> George enters, looking pleased with himself. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet the Mets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good meeting? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite <b> </b> a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing <b> </b> is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can do that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I <b> </b><b> </b> wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got <b> </b> canned!' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my <b> </b> feet in the soft-serve machine? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand? <b> </b><b> </b> Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real? <b> </b> Jerry and George give Kramer a long look. Then break to continue their own <b> </b> conversation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, George... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (rising) I had like a so-so date with Valerie, now I'm number nine on the <b> </b><b> </b> speed-dial. <b> </b> Jerry moves to the kitchen, with George following. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? I used to be seven. I dropped two spots. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, she's ranking you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is a barometer exactly? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's pronounced thermometer. <b> </b> Jerry gives another look to Kramer. George raises his eyes. Kramer rises and <b> </b> comes over to the guys. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll <b> </b><b> </b> just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll be like, wup <b> </b> (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a call on a 'mental <b> </b> phone') getting a call here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. (to 'mental phone') Hey, how you <b> </b> doing, Newman? <b> </b> Jerry begins mouthing 'I'm not here' and making gestures indicating he doesn't <b> </b> want to talk to Newman. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk to Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leans toward Jerry, as if to allow him to use the 'mental phone'. Jerry <b> </b> throws his arms up in exasperation. <b> </b> (Valerie's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry has just arrived and has presented Valerie with a floral bouquet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> (pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have to do that. I mean, the dinner, <b> </b> and the play, and the hansom cab ride. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to <b> </b><b> </b> Barnes and Noble. <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (resumes) ...you know, make a good impression. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> I'm gonna go put these in some water. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like the way you think. <b> </b> Valerie leaves to the kitchen(?). The moment she's gone, Jerry rushes over to <b> </b> the phone. He picks it up to read the list of names on the speed-dial, and finds <b> </b> himself promoted to the '01' button. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard! <b> </b><b> </b> (Yankees Boardroom(?)) <b> </b> Wilhelm and some others are sitting around the big table. George is sitting <b> </b> down. He's wearing an old-fashioned baseball jersey. On the table in front of <b> </b> him, he places a large paper bag. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pride <b> </b> display case. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is it? (reaches into bag) <b> </b> Wilhelm looks disturbed by George's actions. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry) Ah, that's good. Ooh, <b> </b> juicy this time of year. <b> </b> He wipes strawberry juice from his fingers onto Babe Ruth's jersey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gotta get the good ones. <b> </b> He fetches another over-ripe strawberry from the bag, and drops it onto the <b> </b> front of the jersey leaving a pulpy stain. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's bad. That's bad. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer sits at the table with his clipboard. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Will people be <b> </b> able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Some of us. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (crumpling a piece of paper) I don't wanna exclude anybody. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters. She is festooned with Mayan goods. All her clothes, bag, <b> </b> earrings, everything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hola. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shove it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is all this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show <b> </b> Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates <b> </b> dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, no wonder we're getting so much rain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an invitation already, to his party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine fishes in her bag for the invite. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine hands her invite to Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (reads) Come celebrate the millennium, with Newmanniun. Newman! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Car) <b> </b> Jerry has stopped to pick someone up. A woman climbs into the passenger side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Valerie. <b> </b> The woman turns to face him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not Valerie. <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> I'm her step-mother. Drive. <b> </b> Jerry does as he's told and sets off down the street. <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> It's taken me thirteen years to climb up to the top of that <b> </b> speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But, I never... <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> (threatening) You just stay away from that phone. <b> </b><b> </b> (Steinbrenner's Office) <b> </b> Steinbrenner behind his desk. George crosses the floor from the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wanted to see me, sir? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> I heard about what happened at the meeting this morning... <b> </b><b> </b> George looks quietly pleased at his imminent dismissal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk, sir. I can be outta here in an <b> </b> hour. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> ...and I have to tell you, it's exactly what this organisation <b> </b> needed. <b> </b> George looks stunned as he realises he's not going to be fired. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> We wanna look to the future, we gotta tear down the past. Babe <b> </b> Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs. And here's <b> </b> something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan. Ah, what d'you <b> </b> make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's wearing baseball <b> </b> pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs) Hey, you don't <b> </b> think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take 'em <b> </b> off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal his boxers) <b> </b> Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching. <b> </b> George is further discomfited by the sight of Steinbrenner in his underwear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you going for? <b> </b><b> </b> (Valerie's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and Valerie are sitting on the couch, eating popcorn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on your <b> </b> speed-dial. <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> You deserve it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who <b> </b> deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> My stepmother got to you, didn't she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? No. <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Uuh, I can't believe she did this again. That's it! She's off the <b> </b> speed-dial completely! <b> </b> Valerie gets up, stalks to the phone and sets about rejigging her speed-dial. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yikes! <b> </b> (Newman's Apartment) <b> </b> Newman sits at the table. Kramer has arrived and is holding his invitation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I just got your invitation to the Newmanniun party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, but you <b> </b> just had to throw yours on the same day! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I have done nothing unethical. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody <b> </b> about my party. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again, longshanks! I started planning this <b> </b><b> </b> in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant <b> </b> that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (worked up) Well, what am I gonna do? I got over two hundred folding <b> </b> chairs, and quite a bit of ice. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (thoughtful) What kind? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cubed. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> That's good stuff, and you can never have too much ice. Alright, I'll <b> </b> tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under one condition. <b> </b> No Jerry. Jerry is not invited. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> That he may be. But he's outta my life, starting in the year <b> </b> two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Cab) <b> </b> Jerry and George in the back of a taxi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could they not fire you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never thought I'd fail at failing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, come on there now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nonsense. You do everything wrong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hopeful) Everything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Everything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You really think so? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely. I have no confidence in you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and <b> </b> throw myself right back down again! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the spirit. You suck! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pleased) I know. <b> </b> (Cinqo De Mayo) <b> </b> Elaine is talking with the saleswoman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no no, listen to me. I work in fashion. Together, we can drive <b> </b><b> </b> Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... de Mayo. <b> </b><b> </b> Gladys comes out behind the counter. <b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> Do you need some help with something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (puzzled) You? What're you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> I own this store. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless you own both stores. (laughs <b> </b> nervously) <b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> I'm Gladys Mayo. <b> </b> Realisation dawns for Elaine. She begins to leave, slowly. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, this really sticks in my craw. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and Mrs Hamilton sitting on the couch. Mrs Hamilton is pouring out a <b> </b> couple of glasses of wine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched <b> </b> things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over a glass) Have some wine, <b> </b> Jerome. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b> Mrs Hamilton leans back on the couch beside Jerry. She's sitting uncomfortably <b> </b> close to Jerry, and as she speaks she puts an arm along the top of the couch <b> </b> behind Jerry. (To cut it short, this scene plays pretty close to the early <b> </b> Dustin Hoffman/Anne Bancroft scenes in The Graduate.) <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> You know Jerome, I can understand what Valerie sees in you. So <b> </b> attractive, so strong, so comedic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, good. <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (nervous) What? <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> Why don't I put you on my speed-dial? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't sound... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's number three sound? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry leaps to his feet as Mrs Hamilton goes for her phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Valerie's not coming over, is she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mrs Hamilton is programming her phone. <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> Seven, four... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No... <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> Two... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about Valerie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> I won't tell if you don't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (leaving hurriedly) Wuhh... <b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is asleep, but his sleep is fitful. He tosses and turns. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer suddenly sits bolt upright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (yells) Newmanniun!! <b> </b> He reaches over to his bedside table and picks up a photograph. It's of himself <b> </b> and Jerry at a previous party, looking happy together. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (whimper) Jerry? <b> </b> Kramer clutches the photo to his chest, and flops back onto the mattress. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits on his couch, watching baseball on TV. Steve Koren is commentating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KOREN </b> Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing. Wait a minute! A short <b> </b> stocky bald man is streaking across the field. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God, George! <b> </b><b> KOREN </b> Check that. He's not streaking. He's wearing a flesh-tone <b> </b> body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one seems upset. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, look, it's George. <b> </b><b> KOREN </b> Everyone loves him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let <b> </b> you come to my New Year's party. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (neutral) Fine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (agitated) I mean, it's killing me! Newman's got the jump on the <b> </b> invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (neutral) No problem. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (swung by Jerry's argument) You're right. I won't do it without you. I <b> </b> feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's Newmanniun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (neutral) Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with me and <b> </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (neutral) Fine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (frustrated shout) Oh come on!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (neutral) Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you, it's me, and it's Jerry, huh. <b> </b> (claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh. I'll tell Newman I <b> </b> don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first century. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer heads out the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (following Kramer to the door) Okay. Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do <b> </b><b> </b> you still have that pricing-gun? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo outta business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can do. <b> </b> Kramer leaves to his apartment. Elaine begins to follow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you doing with a pricing-gun? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over <b> </b> ninety-nine cents. <b> </b> Elaine leaves and shuts the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to himself) Still a rip-off. <b> </b> The phone rings. Jerry picks up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b> From here on, the scene is presented in a split-screen format, with Valerie and <b> </b> Mrs Hamilton in their respective apartments, sharing the screen with Jerry as <b> </b> appropriate. <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were on her <b> </b> speed-dial. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you. <b> </b><b> </b> There is a beep on Jerry's phone as another call comes in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hold on a second. <b> </b> Jerry clicks the doofer to answer the other call. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> (seductive) Hi Jerome. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I've got Valerie on the other <b> </b><b> </b> line. Just a second. <b> </b> Jerry clicks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> That's her on the other line, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hang on. <b> </b> Jerry clicks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me off this <b> </b><b> </b> thing. <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> I won't, until she puts me back on hers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hang on. <b> </b> Jerry clicks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She wants to be back on yours. <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Fine. But only if you're off hers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hang on. <b> </b> Jerry clicks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine, if I'm off yours. <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> No, still me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry. Hang on. <b> </b> Jerry clicks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine, if I'm off yours. <b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and I don't trust her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> (conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide you in one of the emergency <b> </b> buttons. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (hurried) Great, bye. <b> </b> Jerry clicks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She said she'll do it. <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Great. <b> </b> There's another beep, as another call comes in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hang on. <b> </b> Jerry clicks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b> George is at a public telephone, wearing the flesh-tone body-stocking and <b> </b> looking thoroughly dejected. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry. I can't get fired. <b> </b> A passing fan spots him. <b> </b><b> FAN </b> Hey, body-suit man. 's up? <b> </b> He slaps palms with George, who doesn't look especially pleased by the <b> </b> attention. The fan points out George to more fans. <b> </b><b> FAN </b> (pointing) Hey, body-suit man. <b> </b> The fans gather round, making positive noises. George looks resigned to his <b> </b> minor celebrity. <b> </b> (Putumayo) <b> </b> Gladys is behind the counter. Outside the door, Elaine peers in for a second <b> </b> before she moves back out of sight. Then, a be-suited Kramer is pushed into <b> </b> sight. He enters the store, smoking a cigar. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh, <b> </b> looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I invest <b> </b> millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh, Get the <b> </b> feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh, <b> </b> gritty-gritty. <b> </b> He notices a bowl of chips beside the register and helps himself to some. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> Well, lemme show you what we have. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well uh, I think I can just browse around on my own. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are these free? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hmm-mmm. <b> </b> Kramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen items. He <b> </b> then heads for the changing room. <b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> Some of those are women's clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, not a problem. <b> </b> He pulls the curtain shut. The sound of a pricing gun can be heard. The clicking <b> </b> goes on for a couple of seconds, and then the gun is dropped. It lands by <b> </b> Kramer's feet and breaks, Kramer then exacerbates his problem by kicking the gun <b> </b> as he tries to retrieve it. <b> </b> (Yankee's Parking Lot) <b> </b> George is driving his car in a circle in the parking lot. Trailing behind the <b> </b> car, on a rope, is a trophy which bounces and clatters on the tarmac. George is <b> </b> leaning out of the car window, with a megaphone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean <b> </b> nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. <b> </b> I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh. <b> </b> (Putumayo) <b> </b> Gladys is still behind the counter. Valerie and Mrs Hamilton are browsing the <b> </b> racks. Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face, she walks over <b> </b> to the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> L'Occupado. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on, what is taking you so long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Plan B? There is no plan B. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every single <b> </b> garment in the store. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're dessicates. See, they absorb moisture. (gleeful) These clothes <b> </b><b> </b> won't last five years without 'em. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's not gonna do anything. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Patience. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright. Forget it! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have screwed me again, Pennypacker! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine leaves, hurrying through the store with her face shielded again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GLADYS </b> Ladies, care for some chips? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (emerging from the changing room) Well, I don't mind if I do. <b> </b><b> </b> He takes a chip and dips it. As he loads the chip with the dip, a sachet of <b> </b> dessicate falls from his sleeve into the dip. He doesn't notice, and after <b> </b> consuming the chip he deposits the bundle of clothing onto the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to build a <b> </b> rollercoaster instead. <b> </b> Kramer leaves. Mrs Hamilton comes over to the counter, takes a chip, dips it <b> </b> into the dessicate-laced dip and eats it. <b> </b> (Steinbrenner's Office) <b> </b> George stands before Steinbrenner's desk, in his shirt-sleeves, nonchalantly <b> </b> eating something. He occasionally shrugs at Steinbrenner's remarks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> I heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it is <b> </b> in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot believe that <b> </b> you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks my heart to say <b> </b> it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi... <b> </b> George looks expectant, as Steinbrenner reaches this point. Suddenly, Mr Wilhelm <b> </b> enters the office. <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George doesn't deserve any of the blame <b> </b> for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone to blame <b> </b> here, it's me. <b> </b> George stares at Wilhelm in disbelief. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> What're you talking about, Wilhelm. You popping pills? You got the <b> </b> crazies again? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George to drive around insulting people <b> </b> today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games! <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Macho head games? <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (puts arm round George's shoulder) He's just being loyal to me, sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an apology, body-suit man. Streak <b> </b> on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the game <b> </b> today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward the door) <b> </b> Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr Wilhelm, what was that?! <b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> I wanted to get fired. George, you are looking at the new head scout of <b> </b> the New York Mets. <b> </b> Wilhelm walks away toward the door, leaving George looking crushed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILHELM </b> (singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Come right out and greet the <b> </b> Mets. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. I mean, without dessicates, <b> </b><b> </b> those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She never sees the big picture. <b> </b> There's a knock at the door. Jerry opens it to reveal Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Newman! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you say to Elaine? I just got her <b> </b> cancellation in the mail. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well I guess she found some place better to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, it's her mistake. Because she is going to miss the party of a <b> </b> lifetime. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm <b> </b> and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright. Come back to my party, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry too, of course. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright then, I guess I can accept a little Jerry, if it gets me a <b> </b> (suggestive) lot of Elaine. <b> </b> Jerry pulls a disgusted face. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Deal? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Newman move to the door to leave. Newman stops as Jerry speaks to <b> </b> him, and Kramer exits to his apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By the way Newman, I'm just curious. When you booked the hotel, did you <b> </b><b> </b> book it for the millennium New Year? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (smug) As a matter of fact, I did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no <b> </b> year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. <b> </b> Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. His face twitches as he realises <b> </b> his error. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aww! <b> </b> Newman makes a noise redolent of his frustration - a sort of half-strangulated <b> </b> nasal squeak. He then waddles away after Kramer. <b> </b> (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment) <b> </b> Valerie and Mrs Hamilton sit on the couch. Mrs Hamilton looks nauseous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS HAMILTON </b> I don't feel well at all. I feel all dried-out inside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> I'll call for help. <b> </b> She picks up the phone and pushes a button marked 'Poison Control'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment/Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Who's this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Jerry. Who's this? <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> Uh, it's Valerie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi Valerie. What's up? <b> </b><b> VALERIE </b> I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the <b> </b> button for poison control and I get you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one! <b> </b><b> </b> Valerie hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Millennium Script

1997-05-08

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MUFFIN TOPS </b> Written by Spike Feresten <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George walking down the street.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hang on just let me pick up a paper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. No problem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For how long? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sure he'll be back in a second. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN 2 </b> Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry starts to leave. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going to be this guy's friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> Jerry and George at Monk's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> New clothes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can I borrow your menu? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Strange. For new pants, there's noticable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait those are the clothes from the bag! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The guy never came back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He asked you to watch them not wear them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm still watching them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You look like a tourist. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When you hear like a soft russeling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you this: Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh right, the new job, how is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So who's the new you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hi Alex. <b> </b><b> ALEX </b> I'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ALEX </b> I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks. Thanks a lot. <b> </b> Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Kramer searches in Jerry's couch for something and picks it up. Elaine enters. Kramer hurriedly puts the cushions back on the couch. (What was he looking for anyway? Anything specific?) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where's Jerry? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well he's in the shower. You want me to get him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. No no. Actually I kind of need to speak to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well let's sit down. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Vaguely. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I was kind of, hehehe, short on material and I, um, I put them in the book anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You put my life's stories in his autobiography? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book. It doesn't matter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken through, huh. I'm part of popular culture now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Waldenbooks? That's a major chain huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters the bathroom. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't want to live like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, let's go. <b> </b> At Waldenbooks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Lippman, how are you? <b> </b><b> MR LIPPMAN </b> Well I'm not bad. Not bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> MR LIPPMAN </b> I work for Pundant Publishishing. This is our book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> MR LIPPMAN </b> If you can call it that. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy. Remember me? <b> </b><b> MR PETERMAN </b> You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's your name darling? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm the real Peterman. <b> </b><b> MR PETERMAN </b> All right playtime's over. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Relax man. There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR LIPPMAN </b> So you just eat the tops. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollor idea right there. Just sell the tops. <b> </b><b> </b> Two men forcefully pick Kramer up and push him out of the store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I have a right to be here. These are my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is walking down the street looking down at his map. He is bumping into people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN 1 </b> Try looking up hayseed. <b> </b><b> MAN 2 </b> You wanna sightsee? Get on a bus. <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well actually I'm... <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> I'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York Visitor's Center. Where are you visiting from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Little Rock, Arkensas. <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Ooh. <b> </b> Jerry is in his bathroom shaving. He thinks. He tilts the mirror down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm. That looks new. <b> </b> He thinks some more. He picks up his razor. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So get this. Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing like I'm some kind of a maniac. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (uncomfortably) Nothing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know you. Something's wrong. What is it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did something stupid. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What did you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I was shaving. And I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair and I was trying to even it out. Next thing I knew, (high pitched voice) Gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well women do it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (high pitched voice) "Well women do it." I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what am I going to tell Alex? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen to me. You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um hum. <b> </b> George enters <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry shaved his chest. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I forgot. Wait. Never mind. <b> </b> Jerry and Alex walking. <b> </b><b> ALEX </b> How about the beach this weekend? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean it's hard enough... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALEX </b> All right. All right. Wow is that a Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those. Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at. It's so much smoother and cleaner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b> Elaine walks into a muffin shop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "Top of the Muffin to you!"? <b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Top of the muffin to you. Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr Lippman? <b> </b> George and Jerry at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're pretending to be a tourist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you explain your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got a hotel room. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> you moved into a hotel? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I don't know anyone here Jerry. Where else am I going to stay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So get this: we're in the park today Alex goes wild for this hairless dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So. I figure since she likes one hairless animal why not another. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh really. You tell her you shaved it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you nuts? I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is in a school bus. He honks his horn. Camera shot down on the bus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry. <b> </b> Jerry pulls up the blinds on his upstairs window and looks down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Reality tour? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine at the muffin shop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This was my idea you stole my idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Elaine these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well if that air is comming out of this face then it is my air and my idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> You want a muffin or not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Peach. <b> </b> Gerge and Mary Anne at Monks. <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> So I notice you don't have much of an accent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Look george, I'm really enjoying spending time with you but I'm not sure this is going to work out. At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Willie. Yeah. <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> And I'm still going to be here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> (laughs) George, no offense. But this city would eat you alive. <b> </b><b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in *this* town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it she think you can't do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Find a job. Get an apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you do those things? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here you go, here you go, check it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's desert? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bite-size Three Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He eats those? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Talk to me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Understand? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Mr. Lippman at Monk's. <b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Elaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? What do you want me to do about it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> You're the muffin top expert, tell me what I'm doing wrong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, I saw you in that paper hat and that aprin... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Deal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops. You've gotta make the *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Ah. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm. Ah hah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> So what do we with the bottoms? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, give em to a soup kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> That's a good idea. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not "Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> No. No. It is. <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Can't I get a moment's peace? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are you doing to yourself? <b> </b> Jerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving cream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh that's an old wives tale. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is it? Look at this. <b> </b> Kramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry reels from the sight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Won't it? Or is it already starting to happen? <b> </b><b> </b> Elain at the muffin shop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow. Look at this. We're cleaning up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Lippman Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi. <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> Are you the ones leaveing the muffing pieces behind our shelter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You been enjoying them? <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> They're just stumps. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well they're perfectly edible. <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> No no, we just thought... <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> The homeless don't like them. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We were just trying to help. <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think I might. <b> </b> Mary Anne and George at George's "new" apartment. <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> I can't believe you found something so quickly. How much you pay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> $2300. </b> <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Ouch. A month? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Well, guess that's all right for now, but if you say here for more than a few months, you're a real sucker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff to show you too. Wait till you see the plum job that I landed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Yeah. We should let this place air out anyway. It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something. <b> </b><b> </b> Mary Anne exits. George sniffs his armpit. <b> </b> On Kramer's bus. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Comming up on the right, if you glance up you can just make out my bedroom window. It's the one that's covered in chicken wire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Hey if you're the real Peterman, who come you're wearing those ratty clothes? The're not very romantic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (over the speaker) Well that's your opinion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN 1 </b> Can I have another Three Musketeers? They're rather small. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Forget it. Okay Newman's postal route is around here somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN 2 </b> Who's Newman? <b> </b><b> MAN 3 </b> Who cares. <b> </b><b> MAN 4 </b> Hey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN 1 </b> Can I have his candy bar? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. <b> </b><b> </b> Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here. <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do I have to go on the tour? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how's business? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ooh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation Department won't get rid of them all, I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on a mountain of stumps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I've got to hose the puke off the floor of the bus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus? You've got a bus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got any room on that thing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah there are a few seats still available. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No they don't. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are they war veterans? <b> </b> Elaine looks at him confused. <b> </b> In George's office. <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Wow this is your office. <b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Woah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know you got a girl in here. Give me a signal on the doornob like a necktie or a sock or something. Come on George, help me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention... (starting to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Wait a minute George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty impressive George. Days with the New York Yankees and nights in Arkensas with a top flight bird outlet. And a hen supervisor to boot. I am blown. Bloooown away. Blown George. (vibration in the "o"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> On Kramer's bus. <b> </b><b> ALEX </b> You know when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You also shouldn't use a donut. <b> </b> Kramer gets on the bus. He starts the tape player playing banjo music. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour... <b> </b><b> </b><b> TAPE PLAYER </b> Turn music off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can we just go? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And go we will. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> What is this? A piece of pound cake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We have a bonus reality stop today. We will be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN 2 </b> We're going to a garbage dump? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And we're off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Steinbrenner is sitting at his desk on the phone with the manager at Tyler chicken who is also sitting at his desk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> (the back of his head to the camera) John Tyler? George Steinbreener here. I want to talk about George Castanza. I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. I cannot have that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOHN TYLER </b> (the back of his head also to the camera) Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball huh Jonnyboy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOHN TYLER </b> How about this. You give me Castanza, I convert your concessions to all chicken no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> How do you make that alcoholic chicken? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOHN TYLER </b> Let if ferment, just like everything else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> That stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer at a garbage dump carrying a garbage bag. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think you're going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I was going to dump this. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> It doesn't look like garbage. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well it's muffin stumps <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Where are the muffin tops? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This is a garbage dump. Just let me dump it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Can't do it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is this a joke? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> That's what I'd like to know about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALEX </b> You have a pretty heavy beard, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> ALEX </b> Well look it's almost time for you to shave again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (gets back on the bus, yelling) Well maybe I will take it up with Consumer Affairs. <b> </b><b> </b> Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Where are we going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looking at a map) I don't know. (over the speaker) Uh, no more questions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Banjo music plays as they look for garbage dumps. <b> </b> Next scene. Kramer argues with someone at a dump. <b> </b> Next scene. A man vomits on the floor. <b> </b> Next scene. Kramer is driving. He is sleepy. His head nods down onto the horn. The horn blows. Startled, Kramer sits back up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Banjo music finishes. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> So, the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler chicken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken drink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch my clothes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What clothes? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> These clothes. The ones you're wearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> On Kramer's bus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer how much longer? My chest hair is comming back and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't worry. I've got a good feeling about this dump. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm telling you man, I'm losing it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer gets off the bus, carrying a garbage bag. <b> </b> Eerie music is playing. Jerry looks out the bus window at a full moon. A dog starts barking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't sit on this bus anymore. I think I'll go play with that dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know where the tops are. <b> </b> Jerry runs past Kramer and another person. Eerie music still playing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry what's the matter? <b> </b> In slow motion Jerry runs into the woods. At normal speed he runs behind a tree. Camera shot down on him as he starts scratching his chest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (for the first half of the howl, a dog howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, that feels good. <b> </b><b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b><b> BARTENDER </b> Hey, you looking for George? <b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> BARTENDER </b> He's been in the bathroom awhile. You might want to check on him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta bring me some clothes down here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in the men's room on 43rd street in my underpants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY ANNE </b> I told you this city would eat you alive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At the muffin shop. <b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> What is this guy again? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman enters. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Elaine. Where are they? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> In the back. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right, I'm going to need a clean 8 ounce glass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> What is going on here? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> If I'm curt, then I appologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets down a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out 4 bottles of milk and sets them down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Muffin Tops Script

1997-05-15

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SUMMER OF GEORGE </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Jerry at a cafe terrace) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, you had a good run. Took them to the World Series. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got to give the players most of the credit for that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't sell yourself short. You made all the flight arrangements, hotels, buses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't know who was doing that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, when you actually did work, what it was that you did? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe. <b> </b><b> </b> (Waitress (Lanette) comes with drinks) <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Here you go. Your latte, your cappuccino. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Waitress leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I should ask her out? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She is a good waitress. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's true. Maybe I take her to the Tony's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're going to the Tony's? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I wrote some jokes to the show and they gave me two tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't you ask me? I know a million theater jokes. 'What's the deal with those guys down in the pit?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're musicians. That's not a joke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a funny observation. <b> </b> (George reads a letter) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They did it for three years. What's another few months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm really going to do something with these three months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've always wanted to do that... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna play frolf. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean golf? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Frolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with a frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer <b> </b> of George! <b> </b> ( A bee comes and George has to runaway to inside) <b> ------------------------------------------------------ </b> <b> </b> (Elaine's office. She and two co-workers are chatting in a corridor.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ...and then Peterman ate it. I never told him. <b> </b><b> </b> (A woman comes walking by, with her hands hanging still besides her.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> That's Sam, the new girl in the counting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WALTER </b> What's with her arms? They just hang like salamis. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> She walks like orangutan. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Better call the zoo. <b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> Reer... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> WALTER </b> ssssss... <b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> Cat-ty... <b> ------------------------------------------------------ </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine. George is watching TV.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like this? (imitates the walk) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, exactly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's so strange. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'. You know I mean they were being as catty as I was. It's a double standard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, what about 'ladies night'? Women admitted free before 10? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That is so stupid. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Reer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, 'The White Shadow' is on... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, your really packing it all in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, my vacation just started. I need a day or two to de-compress. Besides, I did plenty today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I bought a new recliner with a fridge build right in to it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters wearing a bathrobe) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Jerry, you got any Tums? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stomach ache? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I drank too much water in the shower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aah, top of the fridge. Hey George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tony's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shadow! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, the Tony's. I'll see you there buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're going to the Tony's too? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Roger that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you sitting? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, all over the place. Yeah, I'm a seat filler. They don't like to see empty seats on TV so when somebody gets up I just park my kaboos on their spot until they get back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How did you get that job? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's a member of the academy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What academy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he didn't say (leaves). <b> ------------------------------------------------------ </b> <b> </b> (Jerry comes to pick up Lanette) <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Nice tuxedo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks, it's a breakaway. <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Should we go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely. <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Lyle, were going! Jerry, this is Lyle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LYLE </b> Hey, how you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok... <b> </b> (Lyle and Lanette kiss) <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> LYLE </b> Have a good time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks, Lyle... <b> --------------------------------------------------------- </b> (At the Tony's. Kramer is looking a place to fill. One man stands up.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are you leaving? Cause I got you covered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (man tries to button his jacket and Kramer squeezes to his seat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll just squeeze in... <b> </b><b> MAN </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My job. What are you doing? <b> </b> (Kramer looks at the woman next to him) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, if they catch two of us on TV, you got some explaining to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Same time Jerry and the waitress are sitting elsewhere.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you and Lyle are roommates? <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gay? <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is he gay? <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> I think I would know. <b> </b><b> JERRY TO HIMSELF </b> This is a new one. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer takes a bite and hits the man in front of him in the head. Then points the blame to lady next to him.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> ...and the best musical award goes to: Scarsdale surprise! <b> </b><b> </b> (People around Kramer stand up and roll on to the stage taking Kramer with them.) <b> </b><b> </b> (George is at home watching the show on TV and takes a soda out of his new recliner.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer? <b> </b> (TV shows the producers and Kramer accepting the award on stage.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. GRAHAM ON TV </b> Thank you and God bless you all. This has truly been a Scarsdale surprise! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ------------------------------------------------------------------ </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At Monk's. Elaine and Sam.) <b> </b><b> SAM </b> Elaine, am I crazy? I just get the feeling that Dugan and the others are making fun of me all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, You might wanna think about...maybe, eh...moving your arms a little when you walk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SAM </b> My arms? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, sort of swing them, so your not lurching around like a caveman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SAM </b> I a caveman? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no no, it's just... <b> </b><b> SAM </b> Everybody told what a catty shrude you are. Your horrible! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ------------------------------------------------------------------ </b><b> </b><b> </b> (5A. Jerry and George.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She had a dude? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, when I went to pick her up there was this dude. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you know it was her dude? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think it could've been just some dude? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I reckon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just <b> </b><b> </b> some dude. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dude! <b> </b> (They make a high five.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, that's enough. I gotta go home and take a nap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's 10:30 in the morning? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tell you; I'm wiped. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, has the summer of George already started or are you still de-composing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> De-compressing. <b> </b> (Kramer enters wearing a tuxedo and carrying a Tony statue.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whooa, good morning gentleman and Tony says hello to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't give that thing back? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked us backstage, the media is sworming, champagne is flowing...whooo! I can't describe how great it is to win. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's because you didn't win. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Scarsdale surprise'. That's the musical about that Scarsdale diet doctor murder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Ms. Raquel Welch! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You haven't even seen it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aah, Jerry I'm not gonna let you bring me down from this high. I've been partying all night. I saw the sunrise at Liza's! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, Minelli's!?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's office. She is at her desk talking to Sam.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sam, listen I'm so sorry about the other day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SAM </b> No, don't apologize Elaine. I was thinking that maybe I should swing my arms a little bit more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, yeah, that's all I was saying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SAM </b> How's this (Sam hits a pen case out of the table), or this (swings a paper holder of the table and starts to clear the table left and right). <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you seem to be getting a hang of it... <b> </b><b> --------------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is picking up Lanette again. She opens the door wearing a towel.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Sorry, I'm running late. I just lost track of time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No rush. <b> </b> (Lyle walks by wearing a towel.) <b> </b><b> LYLE </b> Hey, Jerry! What's up? <b> </b><b> JERRY TO HIMSELF </b> I have absolutely no idea. <b> </b><b> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b> (5A. Jerry is on the phone with George who is at home.) <b> </b> (missing the beginning) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..except that the dude plays the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beveridged! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer comes in with the Tony.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Kramer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George says hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How's that Tony? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you just come over? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why can't we do this on the phone? What's Kramer doing now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's looking on to fridgerator. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer. Anything good in there? Any Popsicles? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't do this. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, what's George doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's not doing anything. Goodbye! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So listen, I'm going to crab a bite to eat at Sardi's. You wanna go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The Tony is taking me to Sardi's. <b> </b> (Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Lanette.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hello. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm going. <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Congratulations! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I have so many people I want to thank and don't want to forget anyone... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, all right. <b> </b> (Phone rings and Jerry answers.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I said no! (hangs up the phone.) <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Jerry, I just want to let you know; Lyle and I are completely over. I'd rather be with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just me? No dudes or fellas? <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> What you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can start right away. <b> </b> (Phone rings again.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But not here. (They leave.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At Sardi's. Kramer is sitting with a group of people.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...so I said to him: Arthur, Artie come on, why does the salesman have to die? Change the title; The life of a salesman. That's what people want to see. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. GRAHAM </b> Mr. Kramer, my name is Lewis Maxton Graham. I'm one of the producers of 'Scarsdale surprise'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, eh, Lew! <b> </b><b> MR. GRAHAM </b> We need to talk. <b> ------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is talking to Peterman at her office.) <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, what did you want to talk me about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This. My office. Sam trashed my office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Well, I see what's going on in here. I am smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Petermen, this is not a cat fight. This is violent psychotic behavior directed at me all because are told her to swing her arms. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Woof! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you mean "reer?" <b> </b><b> PETERMEN </b> Yes, that's the one! Good day Elaine. (Leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy! (Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing) Crazy for feelings... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ----------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At Monk's. Jerry and Lanette.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe how much we did this afternoon. I have friends who this would've be their whole life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Now, what time are you picking me up tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh, what? <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> You got our reservation from Sfuzi's, didn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Should I ware the outfit I bought today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Which one? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The one with the...(mumbles.) <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> If I wanna get my hair cut I've gotta go now. Call me when you get home. I wont be there, but leave a message so I know you called. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, ok... <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Do you mind? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'll crab it. <b> </b> (Lanette leaves and Jerry bangs his head to the table. George walks in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I've done that today. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, did you lose your remote? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, the cable's out. What's with you? You look dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Lanette! I need an assistant or intern or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughs) Relationship intern...hey, what if two of us teamed up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, because that's... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, listen; we are always sitting here, I am always helping you with your girl problems and you are helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly! Because neither one of us can't handle a woman all by ourselves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm trying. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then each of us would only have be like a half man. That sounds about right! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ------------------------------------------------------------------ </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer at Sardi's, talking with two producers.) <b> </b><b> MR. GRAHAM </b> I'm sure how excited you are to have this very very prestigious award. But you didn't have anything to do with the actual production. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> MR. GRAHAM </b> I don't think there's no way how we can allow you to keep this Tony. Unless... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anything... <b> </b><b> MALCOLM </b> Are you familiar with our star, Raquel Welch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, she's fantastic.... <b> </b><b> MR. GRAHAM </b> She's a train wreck. <b> </b><b> MALCOLM </b> There's a big tap dance number just before Jean Harris leaves the (?) school to confront Dr Tarnover. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. GRAHAM </b> It is a gut wrenching scene. <b> </b><b> MALCOLM </b> But, Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms when she tap dances. It's very distracting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. GRAHAM </b> There's lot of this (swings his arms) in tap dancing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, you'd like me to teach how to dance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MALCOLM </b> No, we want you to fire her. <b> </b><b> ---------------------------------------------------------- </b> (5A. Jerry and Kramer.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why they want you to fire Raquel Welch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping <b> </b> lights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She seems very nice. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you're not in show business. You don't know what these people are like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm in show business. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's going to eat me alive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage' if you think that would help. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yayaya... <b> </b> (Elaine enters.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, that crazy straight-armed woman down at Peterman's trashed my office. And then listen to this; this is message she left me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Takes a tape recorder and plays the tape.) <b> </b><b> SAM'S VOICE </b> Elaine...I am going to find you. If not in your office then in the xerox room or the little conference room near to the kitchen... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She must've got a blueprint of the building or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you tell Peterman about this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I tried, but he thought it was some sort of cat fight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cat fight? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, why? Why do guys do this? What is so appealing to men about a cat fight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeye cat fight! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> T-t-t-t... <b> </b><b> ----------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George are walking down the street.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got the tickets? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, two for the 7:15 of Novaj pravas (?). What you're wearing the green sweater? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She doesn't like. Here is your blue one, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater out of his bag.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just put it on! All right now, remember she had her nails done today so remark how you like the color. And if you need me you beep me, all right. Here you <b> </b><b> </b> go, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.) Go get'em you're a tiger! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey George, one second, she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A little notice would've helped! How many people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 35, and George, on the invitations... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, I know...don't skimp. Go go go go... <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry leaves and Lanette joins him.) <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Right on time, I like that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like your nails, that is a great color. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Love the sweater. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This old thing? <b> </b><b> ---------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George is getting the invitations, Melody Stationers.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, I need some party invitations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Okay, have you been in here before? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> About a year ago. Wedding invitations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Right, how did that all work out? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No complaints. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Well, they are arranged according the price. And as I recall...(she flips the sample book all the way to the end.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Actually, (George flips the book back to the beginning) I'll take these nice glossy ones. <b> </b><b> </b><b> -------------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Majestic theater, Raquel Welch's dressing room.) <b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> "You are a fraud Dr Tarnover. You haven't even been to Scarsdale." <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer knocks on the door and enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ms. Welch. <b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the producers. <b> </b><b> </b> (Phone rings and Raquel answers.) <b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> Hello, Sidney! No, no I told you I don't want to do that! If you bring it up again I will feed your genitals to a wolf! (hangs up) Kids! You're still here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I- I Ms. Welch I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding, eh, your performance. <b> </b><b> </b> (Raquel kicks a chair out of her way.) <b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> What kind of problem? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> Out with it! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance, you're like a gorilla out there I've gotta go... <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer runs out, but Raquel grabs him from the back.) <b> -------------------------------------------------------- </b> <b> </b> (George walks at the park with the invitations. A frisbee flies to his feet.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> Little help? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, frolf? <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Yeah, you know we need a fourth for the back nine. You want in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "What's the deal with airplane peanuts?") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, sure. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Ok, come on. <b> ------------------------------------------------------- </b> (Jerry is at Lanette's apartment. They are both wearing a towel.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, let's towel it up. <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get? If they don't go out today they're useless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But we're in towels. <b> </b><b> LANETTE </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> all right. One second. <b> </b> (Picks up the phone.) <b> </b> (George runs up the stairs) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He frolfs, he scores...(he drops one invitation on the stairs.) <b> </b><b> </b> (George comes to his apartment and picks up the phone.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, where are those invitations? You were supposed to leave them with her doorman! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LANETTE COMES BY </b> Did you shave your chest hair? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least pick them up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, the super glossy. The best they had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, get them over here pronto. We're in towels here George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, All right, keep your towel on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a joke. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, that's not bad. Now get over here! <b> </b><b> </b> (George leaves from his apartment and comes down the stairs. He slips on an invitation and falls on his back.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ------------------------------------------------------------------- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is on the street and plays a tape to two police officers.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can't you do anything about this? I mean this woman is a psycho! <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP#1 </b> 'Reer.' <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, just because I'm a woman... <b> </b><b> COP#2 </b> 'Mauau.' <b> </b><b> COP#1 </b> 'Meeow.' <b> </b><b> --- </b> (Raquel Welch walks down the street.) <b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> I don't move my arms when I dance. That's my signature! <b> </b><b> --- </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Would you just keep an eye out for this woman. She's about ye high and eh, she doesn't swing her arms when she walks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> COP#1 </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Like this...(imitates the walk with her arms hanging.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Raquel Welch comes towards her.) <b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> What the hell is that? Are you making fun of my dancing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aren't you Raquel Welch? <b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> You know who I am. Now, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing, I wasn't just moving my arms... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAQUEL </b> That's it, you are going down. <b> </b><b> COP#1 </b> Ooh, cat fight. <b> ---------------------------------------------------- </b> <b> </b> (The New York Hospital. Jerry and Kramer.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So how's George? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that? (Kramer holds a broken Tony) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Tony. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Raquel Welch! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yikes. <b> </b> (Elaine comes. She has a scars on her face.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Raquel Welch! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The woman is a menace. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I bumped in to her on the street. It got pretty ugly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cat fight with Raquel Welch. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yey eye ca-catfight. <b> </b> (George is wheeled in on a hospital bed.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My god, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I slipped on the invitations...how's the towels? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Back on the rack. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> With the two of us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think we're still a man short. <b> </b> (Doctor comes.) <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Mr. Costanza. ..your legs have sustained extensive trauma. Apparently your body was in the state of advanced atrophy, due to a period of extreme inactivity. <b> </b><b> </b> But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again. <b> </b><b> </b> (Doctor leaves.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's good news. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow, invitations again... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, that's weird. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, well...you want to grab some coffee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'd like to get some coffee. <b> </b> (Jerry, Kramer and Elaine leave.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This was supposed to be 'The summer of George'! The summer of George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George is at the hospital physical therapy, trying to walk, leaning on parallel bars. Next to him, Sam tries to walk with swinging her arms.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> THERAPIST </b> Now, swing them...swing...swing them, just swing them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SAM </b> I can't do it. It's hard! <b> </b> (George is at end of the bars and falls down. He tries to get up.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Still a little summer left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Summer of George Script

1997-09-25

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BUTTER SHAVE </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer &amp; David Mandel <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their regular booth. <b> </b><b> </b> A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper to reveal... <b> </b><b> </b> a moustache. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is Holland? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a <b> </b><b> </b> country right next to Belgium. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, that's the Netherlands. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Holland *is* the Netherlands. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then who are the Dutch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I cannot stand this thing anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well why didn't we? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from <b> </b><b> </b> ourselves. That's what you said. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if we grew muttonchops? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Buzz cuts? Parachute pants! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dammit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a cane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey hey hey, check me out, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No more crutches, that must be a relief. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not with a cane? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's a sad story. You through with those? <b> </b><b> </b> George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from the other end of the bar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Always a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. Some guy <b> </b><b> </b> from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have another shot at a pilot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, we're back in! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We? No. <b> </b><b> CLUB ANNOUNCER </b> Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, didja see me up there? I <b> </b><b> </b> was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Killed? <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good looking ones too! (walking away) Hey, what's your name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Killed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish that attaches himself to the shark. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you're the shark? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know how a fish could eat laughs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm glad I brought it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven, George is on the phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Got any shredded coconut? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, we're not doing that any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my god. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what's this job? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Knicks? Rangers? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Playground equipment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Welcome back to the show. <b> </b> Kramer walks back in, clean shaven. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta hobble. (walks out) <b> </b> Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving cream. I'm getting no protection. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kind do you use? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whatever you get. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Remember David Puddy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's dating him again, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to Elaine and Puddy in the back seat of a taxi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. No wait, that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? How much is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We have to break up. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't take this any more! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has that's not in The Gap on Broadway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Fine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine! <b> </b><b> CAB DRIVER </b> Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time, with stopovers, will be approximately 22 hours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room. That's the end of that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the Internet he killed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see you later buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I have to ask? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and drags him back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are you buttering your face? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm shaving with it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh Moses smell the roses. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. Now feel my face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Feel it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want to. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Feel it. Feel it. <b> </b> Jerry places two slices of bread against Kramer's face. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is close. <b> </b> Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got the job? <b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna treat you any differently just because of your, uh, handicap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) I'm not handicapped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I didn't mean that. <b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> Of course you will have your own private, fully equipped bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When do I start? <b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> Whenever you feel that you're able. (Rises to show George out) Um, you need a hand here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, what the hell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got the job? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They treat me so great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible office, a great view. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hold on, they think you're handicapped? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can you do this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He drove a car with no arms? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. He hated me anyway! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They hooked me up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's with all the butter? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can eat it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my body. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The tooth brush in the toilet bowl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Bania and Jenna walk over. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good lookin' huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Jerry's the guy that I dated right before you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Oh. This is awkward. <b> </b><b> JENNA </b> Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure. <b> </b><b> </b> Bania and Jenna leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't believe this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You miss her, don't you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything off me, first laughs now ladies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You miss her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Puddy and Elaine on the plane. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> You know I think ultimately, I'm upset with myself. I knew what I was getting into, she's a bitter, unstable person. I mean the sex was good. I'm sure it was fine for her. I need more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. You believing this? <b> </b><b> PASSENGER </b> Excuse me, I was sleeping. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You missed quite a performance. <b> </b> Elaine drinks from a can of juice. <b> </b><b> PASSENGER </b> That's my apple juice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods. With "Morning Train" <b> </b> by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs on a rail, is <b> </b> carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with his cane and fakes <b> </b> a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets laughs from <b> </b> everyone, including the man he tripped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely by Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Someone's cooking. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. Maybe it's Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter - pause - Oh no! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Butter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER </b> -Fimty kroner. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know my last boyfriend, he had a real kroner <b> </b><b> </b> comprehension problem. No what I mean? A real cement head. <b> </b> Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> David, you are so funny. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to get on with my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> By making time with some floozy across the aisle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going on over there with you and, uh, vegetable lasagna? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This guy? He's an idiot. He doesn't mean anything to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER </b> I can hear you. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Well, she doesn't mean anything to me either. If it were up to me, we'd still be together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well maybe I feel the same way. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, so now what? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Let's make out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer is decked out shirtless <b> </b> and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, man. I think I cooked myself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at your skin. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm fried. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Technically, you're sautéed. So, what are you doing for that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that what the doctor said? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I read an article in Bon Appetite magazine. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves, George enters, limping. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hmm. Game hen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no, not you too? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what's good for that? Relish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Phone rings, Jerry answers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! No!!! <b> </b><b> </b> Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what, he's got a couple of good jokes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping <b> </b><b> </b> carts with one bad wheel? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's true, that always happens to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think that's funny? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> maybe I am. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm gonna puke. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) puke! Don't have to <b> </b><b> </b> think about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Puddy on the plane. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe we broke up like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you want something to read? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, are you going to take a nap or <b> -- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a seat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing has <b> </b><b> </b> changed. We're back together two hours, we're having the same problems we had <b> </b><b> </b> 12 hours ago. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Tell me about it, I don't know why I ever took you back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, vegetable lasagna <b> </b><b> </b> here knows it. <b> </b><b> VEGETABLE LASAGNA </b> I don't want to get involved. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram <b> </b><b> </b> right into it and end this whole thing! <b> </b><b> VEGETABLE LASAGNA </b> Oh god. <b> </b> Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of the passenger <b> </b><b> </b> seated behind her. <b> </b><b> PASSENGER </b> Ow! Ow!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated beside it, <b> </b><b> </b> reading "Alive" <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> The smell. It's still with you, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it's baked on it. Put some butter in. Stir it up so it melts. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips and working <b> </b><b> </b> himself up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh, now I'm simmering. <b> </b> Newman drops the stick and runs out. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'll meet you at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now. <b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> Good morning, George. Is something wrong with your other leg? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, that's just the old handicap acting up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> But your cane's on the wrong side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's just because we're standing on opposite sides. See, when we <b> </b><b> </b> met, I was over there and you were over here so the image was reversed, like in <b> </b><b> </b> the mirror. <b> </b> They walk over to a mirrored wall. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See? This looks right to you, doesn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> Uh, yeah, I guess. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But, see here. <b> </b> Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong-- <b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> Will you stop it, George? Just stop it! I think I can see <b> </b><b> </b> what's going on here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall. Jerry opens <b> </b><b> </b> the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you're not gonna believe what happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mugged Stephen Hawking? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. On the house. <b> </b> George rides around the apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at <b> </b><b> </b> no more than three miles an hour. <b> </b> Jerry's phone rings, he answers it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. Huge! <b> </b><b> </b><b> VEGETABLE LASAGNA </b> Please don't shout. I can't take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Vegetable Lasagna. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Vegetable Lasagna! <b> </b><b> VEGETABLE LASAGNA </b> My name is Magnus. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get me some duty free Kahlua. <b> </b> Jerry hangs up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How's the trip? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sounded good. <b> </b> George. Well. Gotta motor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by the big showcase <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> tonight. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you talking about? You're not! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right, I'm taking a dive. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're throwing the set? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm laying down! Then let's see how he does up there, without all the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> assistance. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen Jerry. Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My <b> </b><b> </b> generation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're four months apart. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> nevertheless. His time has come. <b> </b> George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under Jerry's coffee <b> </b><b> </b> table. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I'll be on my <b> </b><b> </b> way. <b> </b> Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer. <b> </b> The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's head on the turkey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER/TURKEY </b> Hey buddy. <b> </b> Newman screams and runs out of Monks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw your set? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without the cushy <b> </b><b> </b> timeslot. <b> </b><b> CLUB ANNOUNCER </b> Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow colored suspenders. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you'll excuse me. <b> </b> Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the stage. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want <b> </b><b> </b> shade? <b> </b> Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what's with people getting sick? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hee hee! Yeah yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, what's the deal with cancer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN IN AUDIENCE </b> I have cancer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, tough crowd. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he accidentally <b> </b><b> </b> bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking out of a nearby <b> </b><b> </b> store. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey, hey! You dented my ride. <b> </b> George walks back to inspect the damage. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whatcha got there, the 4 volt? Heh, I did you a favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> How about I do you a favor upside your head? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b> George leaps back on his scooter and floors it. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Get the bikes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos. he's soaked with <b> </b><b> </b> sweat. Kramer and Bania are there. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Ouch. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You didn't do so bad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? I bombed! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? It was edgy, it was not <b> </b><b> </b> my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Like that guy who yelled out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He had cancer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And laughter is the best medicine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLUB ANNOUNCER </b> Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey out <b> </b><b> </b> there. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Turkey? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A big fat turkey. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'm sorry I missed that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He worked so hard and then he just-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it all over himself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is this, oregano? <b> </b> Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts through carrying a <b> </b><b> </b> bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking <b> </b><b> </b> to me because of the butter! Look at me! <b> </b> Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch of green leaves <b> </b><b> </b> and hands them to Kramer. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Here. Hold this. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is this, parsley? <b> </b> Newman makes as if to attack Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry watching Bania from the wing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, the sweet stench of failure. <b> </b> Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto the stage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Get off of me, get off of me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase. Action movie <b> </b><b> </b> music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters. George's battery <b> </b><b> </b> dies and his scooter stops. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Now I got you! <b> </b> George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling it as fast as he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's exiting a building at that moment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> George? Your legs! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you a religious man, sir? <b> </b><b> MR. THOMASSOULO </b> No. <b> </b> Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about to lay into him with a cane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Eat hickory!! <b> </b> The man swings the cane at George's head, mercifully the scene changes to Jerry, <b> </b> sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne. Bania <b> </b> walks in. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Hey Jerry, didja see it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ouch. <b> </b> Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves. <b> </b><b> STU </b> Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen, <b> </b><b> </b> Kenny. Really funny out there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> JAY </b> That thing you did having the two guys running through? I love stuff you don't have to think too much about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> Give us a call. We want to be in the Kenny Bania business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAY </b> By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A little hacky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> How about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one. Looks like I'm following you again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm gonna puke. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of NYC airport. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> David, this has been the worst month of my life and if I never see you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> again it'll be too soon. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Ditto. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh that's origi- <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Shut up. <b> </b> Elaine gets into a taxi cab. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 86th and Broadway please. <b> </b><b> CAB DRIVER </b> I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. The Transit Police are <b> </b><b> </b> making everybody share. <b> </b> Puddy enters the cab on the left. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh no. <b> </b> Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right. <b> </b><b> VEGETABLE LASAGNA </b> Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Noooooooooooo! <b> </b> Cab rides away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Butter Shave Script

1997-10-02

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE VOICE </b> Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer &amp; David Mandel <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In the Play Now office) <b> </b><b> THOMASSOULO </b> George, you're not really handicapped, are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've had my difficulties. <b> </b><b> THOMASSOULO </b> I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THOMASSOULO </b> No <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How about the old Spider Man live action show? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THOMASSOULO </b> George, I've realized we've signed a one-year contract with you, but at this point I think it's best that we both go our separate ways. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand. <b> </b><b> THOMASSOULO </b> We don't like you. We want you to leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Clearer <b> </b> (At Monks Café) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're staying at Play Now? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But they not you aren't handicapped, aren't you ashamed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract. As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine walks in) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey <b> </b><b> JERRY &amp; GEORGE </b> (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello-o-o-o Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's just this stupid thing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm sure it's stupid. It's not about me, is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doing the voice) No-o-o-o. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (doing the voice) Not at all. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tell me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How is it talking? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) I'm bored. Talk to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh I gotta start taking these "stupid" warnings more seriously. <b> </b><b> </b> (Puddy walks in) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, look whose here - Puddy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My Puddy? But we broke up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And yet he continues to live. <b> </b> (Puddy walks over to the table) <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey Benes, How are you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm doing great. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Great. (pauses) See ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's it. You two are back together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> David and I will not be getting back together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's beautiful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's different. I didn't have feelings for those people. But you, you'll backslide <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want to bet? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stakes? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> 50 </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dollars? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Witness? (looks at George). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Witness. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Done. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Percentage? <b> </b><b> JERRY &amp; ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> So I'll call you tonight? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> What's wrong with the belt? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So...(throws away belt) that's it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLARE </b> So, you're insane? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yes, quite. <b> </b> (Kramer walks in) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course it's a sliding scale. <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> Catch you later. <b> </b><b> KRAMER &amp; JERRY </b> (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doing the voice) La la la. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (doing the voice) La la la. <b> </b> (Kramer is reading the newspaper at the table) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Of course it's a good idea, it's my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part or spending the two hundred million you don't have part? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You see I come up with these things, I know they're gold, but nothing happens. You know why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (interrupts) No, no...time! It's all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can ball park it. <b> </b> (Elaine walks in ... how did she come up without the buzzer?) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I called you last night, where were you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking guiltier) No, no...no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I was here, that's everyone (laughing). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are those the same shoes as yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you know I wear these shoes all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your hair, it's somewhat de-poofed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's the new look. You know Heroin Cheek? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, what's going on here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing, nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (screams). <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (screams). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hoochie moochie. (haha) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hand it over. Pay up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! It's an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then what do you call it? People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't cinemax. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, dinner! That's it, you're all the way back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?). That was my idea too! <b> </b><b> </b> (At Play Now) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good Morning! <b> </b><b> CO-WORKER </b> Go to hell! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi Allison, that's a nice dress. <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> Don't even look at me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Glenn! <b> </b><b> GLENN </b> Hey, go tell hell! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Heard that one already. <b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry walks in. Kramer is showing his "intern," Darren around) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...So that's the bedroom. Here's the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchen...Yeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you are? <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Oh, hey, I'm Darren. I'm new here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, that's Jerry, you don't have to worry about him. Why don't you go across the hall and get started on that mail. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Right! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's a go getter! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's he? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, it's time to go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, it's not for people, it's for oil tankers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcastically) I know! <b> </b> (Jerry tries to shove Kramer out the door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil won't spill out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, that is not a bad idea. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (smiles) yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, it's time to go. <b> </b> (slams door) <b> </b> (phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He's sitting on the floor in his Play Now office). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, what's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seize montality, (Sp?) Jerry. They really want me out of here. They've downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I'm like Hitler's last days here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, are you going to leave? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no! I'm vigilant. They'll never get me out. I'm like a weed, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you're like Hitler in the bunker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm a weed in Hitler's bunker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) I'm getting another call, see ya...(answers call) Hello! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Hi, this is Darren from Kramer's office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a lunch with you at Monk's coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking shocked) Really? When? <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> In 10 minutes. Do you need directions? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Well, I'll call back in 5 minutes to confirm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, 5. <b> </b> (Elaine walks in ... again, how did she get up without the buzzer?) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! So, where's my money? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, hold on. <b> </b> (Jerry calls Kramer and Darren answers) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerry's office. (Elaine is looking confused). We're going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking confused) What do you mean he's already left? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer walks in) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Elaine is going to come with us, alright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? When did this happen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, just... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (yelling) DARREN! <b> </b> (At Elaine's apartment) <b> </b> (Sitting on the couch thinking to herself) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am not calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddy's. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. I'll call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that! There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are. That's funny. That's really funny. That's really really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up phone). <b> </b><b> </b> (At Monk's Cafe) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you have to write all this stuff down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Well, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didn't want to miss anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, how hot did it get? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, 120, 130...Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess you can take anything, but actual work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bring it on! <b> </b> (Kramer walks in) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (doing the voice) La la la. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sorry I couldn't get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his "intern") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh huh... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Interrupts) And I still say he's naked under there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh that makes a lot of sense. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, shut up! <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> ...Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry then spits out the water). <b> </b><b> </b> (George is looking pissed off) <b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment in his bed) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (giggling) <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> What's so funny? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, nothing. (still giggling) <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> What are you laughing about? Tell me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. We've been doing this silly, dumb voice. <b> </b><b> </b> (Clare storms out of the room mad!) <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> So is it fun humiliating me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's not you. It's your stomach, he's taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLARE </b> So you think I'm fat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No it's... <b> </b> (Darren walks in) <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Mr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!" <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, we're kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Oh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something up now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Screams) GET OUT! <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> I'm leaving too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No body said you're fat. He's a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLARE </b> He is fat! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he's just a little bloated. <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> Good-bye! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's mostly water weight. <b> </b> (Kramer walks in) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boysenberry, the kid is still learning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Darren is standing in the hallway on the phone) <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Mr. Kramer...Dean, my internship is on line two, she wants to set up a meeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well nothing before noon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Line two? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, your phone is line one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... <b> </b> (At Elaine's apartment) <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> So the gloves were right by the phone. That is pretty funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, this is what Jerry's doesn't understand. We can see each other. We can see each other every day, but it doesn't mean we are back together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> I mean I love just seeing you and having sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Not having to do all that...you know...work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, either way... <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> All that calling you, and buying you stuff... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> David... <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Caring about how everyone at work isn't as smart as you. It's brutal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright that's it! We're back together! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Oh, no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Look Elaine, be reasonable. <b> </b> (Elaine kisses Puddy) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get those clothes off. You're going to spend the night and we're going to cuddle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You heard me. Strip! <b> </b> (At Play Now) <b> </b> (George is walking in the hallway to his office. He sees his office has been boarded up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whistling)....(laughing)....Alright......OK.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George goes through air vent ... in his office) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (on phone ... calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? ...Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) I'M IN MY OFFICE! Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b> (At NYU) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Dean Jones, you wanting to talk to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEAN JONES </b> I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...Yeah. <b> </b><b> DEAN JONES </b> ...Mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know it sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEAN JONES </b> As far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEAN JONES </b> I'm sorry, but we can't allow Darren to continue working with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEAN JONES </b> You fly is open. <b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry &amp; Clare are talking by the doorway) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're sure you're not still angry about last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLARE </b> No, I'm fine. Just as long as you don't ever do that voice again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never? <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> Never. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about if you're not around? <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLARE </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can do that. <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> So what's your decision? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b> (At the dock or beach) <b> </b> (Jerry is thinking to himself ... looking quite funny) <b> </b> (He's thinking about all the times him and Clare spent together. He's trying to decide if he likes her more or the voice more) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry knocks on Clare's door) <b> </b><b> CLARE </b> Jerry...HI. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha) <b> </b><b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You broke up with her? Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. What's the matter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I'm getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I like the girl better than the voice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b> (Elaine walks in ... how does she keep getting up without that buzzer?!) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Still? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well not for long. I'm breaking up with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't think so. I've seen you two together. You make each other miserable. It's kismet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Double or nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Done. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (talking from bathroom) Witness? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're in there again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think Play Now is putting something in my food. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer walks in) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, I'm out of here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesn't fit him). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I haven't been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. I'm clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Nine o'clock. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So played. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told you. <b> </b> (Hallway, Darren is knocking on Kramer's door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Darren? What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DARREN </b> I don't care about the internship. I care about Kramerica. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Kramerica is no more. <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> What about the oil tanker bladder system? We were going to put an end to maritime oil spills. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Probably. Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer slams door) <b> </b> (Kramer opens door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you're still here? <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> I haven't had time to leave. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I haven't changed my mind. <b> </b> (Kramer slams door) <b> </b> (Kramer opens door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, I'll do it. Kramerica industries lives! Let's get back to work! <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer slams door) <b> </b> (Kramer opens door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's see what Jerry has to eat. <b> </b> (At Play Now ... in the bosses office) <b> </b><b> THOMASSOULO </b> You win George. We've had it. If you leave right now, Play Now will give you six months pay. That's half of your entire contract. Please...just go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see if I stay the whole year, I get it all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THOMASSOULO </b> Want to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls on intercom) Attention Play Now employees, George Costanza's handicapped bathroom is now open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well played. <b> </b><b> THOMASSOULO </b> I'll see you in hell Costanza. <b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in ... Jerry asks George) So we definitely don't want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, we're back together again, great. Bye bye. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hallway ... Kramer &amp; Darren are pushing an oil tank. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Trouble down at the plant? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder system. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You have to drink that whole thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No. No. It's for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I understand (not really understanding, lol). <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would a giant rubber ball work? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Conceivably. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why don't we test your bladder system at my office? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, there's nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At Monk's Cafe) <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey, you want to split a root beer (I think that's what he says)? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think so David, we're through. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Oh...That's a nice sweater (Elaine smiles). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At Elaine's house ... the two are in bed) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Whew that was a dozy. <b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine throws down money on the table). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go again? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Book it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (again from bathroom) Witness. <b> </b> (At Elaine's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> David I know this hurts, but it's the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like he's going to still get some). <b> </b><b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine is placing money on the table one by one) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine at the movies) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going to get some popcorn. <b> </b> (At Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine hands Jerry money) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, how did it end? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They got away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> uh. <b> </b> (At Elaine's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen David, I've got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks? <b> </b><b> </b> (At Play Now) <b> </b> (Darren &amp; Kramer are pushing the ball of oil ... Jerry walks in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you bring the video camera? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. I got to meet Clare. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You gave up the voice? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER &amp; GEORGE </b> No. No <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Darren? <b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Sorry Mr. Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, bathroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, use mine. I'll let you in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought it was open to the public. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I uh, took care of that. <b> </b> (Both go to the bathroom, which looks really nice) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! Zanadu . No wonder you're putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I insist. I'll fix us a drink. (phone rings ... who would that be?) I got it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Back to Kramer &amp; Darren in George's office) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window. <b> </b><b> </b> (Back in the bathroom) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, check out my view. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! Hey, there's Clare. I better go down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, there's Kramer &amp; Darren. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's the giant ball of oil. Clare's right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLARE </b> I don't believe this. I am not looking up if you're going to do that voice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bombs away (Uh oh). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is going to be a shame. <b> </b><b> (SPLAT!) </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that didn't work. Hey, how about this...ketchup and mustard in the same bottle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DARREN </b> Oh that sounds interesting sir. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Police sirens ... uh oh) <b> </b> (At Monk's Café) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Clare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess you're not going in anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So they're not paying you your... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're pretty much... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What ever happened to Darren? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Darren is going away for a long long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that... (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (doing the voice) I'm slippery as an eel... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (doing the voice) La la la. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm just so glad it's back. <b> </b> (At Elaine's apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, this is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling ourselves. We belong together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Elaine: I want to break up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah nuts! <b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Voice Script

1997-10-09

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SERENITY NOW </b> Written by Steve Koren <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Costanzas are driving in the car.) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> That's as far as it goes. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I pulled it. It doesn't go. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame <b> </b><b> </b> the mechanism! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit <b> </b><b> </b> sideways. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! <b> </b><b> </b> Serenity now! Serenity now! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets <b> </b><b> </b> too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you supposed to yell it? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> The man on the tape wasn't specific. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to the screen door? It blew off again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I told you to fix that thing. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Serenity nowww! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish <b> </b><b> </b> place La Caridad on Saturday. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? All right, fine. <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Are you mad at me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> You know... I've never seen you mad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I get peeved. <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Mad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Miffed. <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> *Mad*. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Irked? <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> I'd like to see you get *really* mad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why does she want you to be mad? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She says I suppress my emotions. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what do you care what she thinks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good body. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She probably gets that impression because you're cool. <b> </b><b> </b> You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic <b> </b><b> </b> pitch. (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. <b> </b><b> </b> Now shut that door and get the hell out of here! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Laughing) What is that, a new bit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix <b> </b><b> </b> my father's screen door in Queens? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll do it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? You wanna come? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I love going to the country. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where are they goin'? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fix a screen door in Queens. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday <b> </b><b> </b> night? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not goin' to the Knick game. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You <b> </b><b> </b> should be able to buy a cheaper gift. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen <b> </b><b> </b> door. (Takes picture) Perfect. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps <b> </b><b> </b> blowing the door off. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I hate that old door. Throw it out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Serenity now! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked <b> </b><b> </b> hard for ya. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Will you put her to rest for me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the <b> </b><b> </b> garage. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad, what's all this? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (From other room) It's junk. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're selling computers? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was <b> </b><b> </b> called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and <b> </b><b> </b><b> IBM? </b> <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're damn right you're not buying it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm open. There's just nothing in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Sarcastically) Uh huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you think I'm lying about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> I think you are. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm not. <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Yes, you are, liar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, stop it. <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> OK, liar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's enough! <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Ooh, that was good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? It felt good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Congratulations, Mr. Lippman. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's <b> </b><b> </b> a man. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine) <b> </b><b> ADAM </b> I'm a man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tongue? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six <b> </b><b> </b> more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to <b> </b><b> </b> stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you <b> </b><b> </b> should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where did that come from? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's <b> </b><b> </b> garage, help him sell some computers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage <b> </b><b> </b> death match. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What-what are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a <b> </b><b> </b> little life in her yet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you need it for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see <b> </b><b> </b> how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Morning, ma. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (From another room ) You're late! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Morning, dad. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr. <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is Lloyd Braun doing here? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Your mother recommended him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up <b> </b><b> </b> is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a <b> </b><b> </b> mental institution? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I didn't read his resume. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRAUN </b> (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on <b> </b><b> </b> the big board. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this? <b> </b><b> </b> Frank (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good <b> </b><b> </b> work, Braun. <b> </b> Estelle (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology <b> </b><b> </b> accepted. <b> </b><b> ADAM </b> I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and <b> </b><b> </b> tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ADAM </b> Are you free Friday night? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am <b> </b><b> </b> in my early... 20s. <b> </b><b> ADAM </b> But I'm a man. The rabbi said so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a <b> </b><b> </b> man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet. <b> </b><b> ADAM </b> Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First, <b> </b><b> </b> they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me <b> </b><b> </b> Boggle. I renounce my religion! <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Who wants cookies? <b> </b><b> ADAM </b> As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're <b> </b><b> </b> having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> gets a Waterpik. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Serenity now! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd <b> </b><b> </b> Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell <b> </b><b> </b> computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why <b> </b><b> </b> not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) <b> </b><b> </b> Serenity now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your <b> </b><b> </b> father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of <b> </b><b> </b> varying success. And these are things I look for in a man. <b> </b><b> ADAM </b> (Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of <b> </b><b> </b> good. 'Early 20s'! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> So, that's the type of guy you're looking for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts <b> </b><b> </b> making out with her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> (Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> home? Oh, hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You barbecuing tonight? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, where do you want to eat tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> How about La Caridad again? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Again!? How much flan can a person eat!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't think more flan is the answer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Maybe I should just leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Maybe'!? <b> </b><b> PATTY </b> Good-bye! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, <b> </b><b> </b> sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, buddy! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year! <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you and Patty just break up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about <b> </b><b> </b> it! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard <b> </b><b> </b> about this great place called La Caridad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, <b> </b><b> </b> but I wasn't in the mood. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Whoa. What is the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Patty. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, you break up with a girl every week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Crying) What--what is this salty discharge? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God. You're crying. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is horrible! I care! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's really gotten to you, hasn't she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what's happening to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come <b> </b><b> </b> with it. It's like Endora's box. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's <b> </b><b> </b> apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I <b> </b><b> </b> warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in <b> </b><b> </b> the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ever heard of a little thing called feelings? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! <b> </b><b> </b> Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever <b> </b><b> </b> tell you how much I love you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love you, George. Come here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? <b> </b><b> </b> If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back <b> </b><b> </b> for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see <b> </b><b> </b> you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your <b> </b><b> </b> sink? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I love you, too, buddy, and George-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want to hear it, Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this <b> </b><b> </b> water on full blast. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What signal? What-what signal? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If I do it, will you buy a computer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> On the signal, George. On the signal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love you, Costanza. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Will you shut up?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the <b> </b><b> </b> faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So now the *other* Lippman kissed me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It means a non-Jewish woman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to <b> </b><b> </b> do with it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of <b> </b><b> </b> meeting a woman that's not like their mother. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that's insane. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you what's insane: the price that I could get you <b> </b><b> </b> on a new desktop computer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am not buying a computer from you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's porn. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Pausing) Even so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Damn it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that <b> </b><b> </b> you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason <b> </b><b> </b> you like me is because I'm a shiksa. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> That's simply not true. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> You are wrong. I'll prove it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no. Don't! <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> I renounce Judaism! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oy vey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to you, pal? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They <b> </b><b> </b> ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you all right? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you're using Frank's relaxation method? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts <b> </b><b> </b> right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now! <b> </b> Elaine (Entering Jerry's apartment) Hey, what happened to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Serenity! (He exits) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is <b> </b><b> </b> renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is <b> </b><b> </b> *with* you people? What are you looking at? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sit down, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've been thinking about what it means to be complete. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you have an apple or anything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in <b> </b><b> </b> front of us! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, <b> </b><b> </b> I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all <b> </b><b> </b> back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> wrong with your leg? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm asking Elaine to marry me. <b> </b> George (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman <b> </b><b> </b> right now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lippman? <b> </b> Elaine (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, <b> </b><b> </b> yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. <b> </b><b> </b> Come on! Come on! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I help you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. Stay! Stay. Stay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt! <b> </b><b> </b> George (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? <b> </b><b> </b> Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Costanza, you're white hot! <b> </b><b> PHONE </b> If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the <b> </b><b> </b><b> SAME </b> you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You're not gonna give away that water pik! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing <b> </b><b> </b> doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> blow. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you know? You were in the nut house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> What do you think put me there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I heard they found a family in your freezer <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Serenity now. Insanity later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Entering the hallway to his apartment) What happened here, <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Serenity now, serenity now... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, <b> </b><b> </b> they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't look well. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the <b> </b><b> </b> world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about <b> </b><b> </b> it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. <b> </b><b> </b> Serenity nooooooooww! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls <b> </b><b> </b> to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> computers? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle <b> </b><b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. <b> </b><b> </b> Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right... here goes... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this <b> </b><b> </b> Shiks-appeal? <b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North <b> </b><b> </b> American cousin, the Sasquatch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied <b> </b><b> </b> Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish <b> </b><b> </b> religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RABBI </b> You know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle <b> </b><b> </b> Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after <b> </b><b> </b> the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm <b> </b><b> </b> capable of. That's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yikes. Well, good luck with all that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a <b> </b><b> </b> little compassion. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think you scared me straight. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, Jerome, I'm in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is <b> </b><b> </b> right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I tell ya, I don't see it happening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What happened to the new Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He doesn't work here anymore. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well that's just *great!* <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love you, Jerry. <b> </b> Jerry (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the <b> </b><b> </b> two of you get back together. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, that's because you're an idiot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of <b> </b><b> </b> bankruptcy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing <b> </b><b> </b> that bell. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car <b> </b><b> </b> in! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> This is a place of business. I told you never to come in here. <b> </b><b> </b> Serenity now! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> All right... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> So, what am I supposed to say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Hoochie mama'? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Move your crap, I'm comin' in! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b><b> </b> </pre>>

The Serenity Now Script

1997-10-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BLOOD </b> Written by Dan O'Keefe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure you can't stay longer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> No, we just came for the funeral. ` <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was 96 years old. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That had nothing to do with it, the man was out of shape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> That's why we joined a program. We walk once around the block three times a week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> And every morning I eat a plum. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what ever you do, you're wearing me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What about you? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yeah, looks like you're getting a little spare tire there, tiger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b> (Kramer comes in) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Seinfelds! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, Mr. Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How long are you staying? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We just came down for a funeral. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler. Boy, that makes you think. If he could go... <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> See you downstairs with the car. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure you don't need a hand with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> No no, the luggage is on the program. I got a brick in here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen leave. Kramer pulls out a band aid from his arm.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you give blood? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing it in to a blood bank. Just in case. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In case of what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it's starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are we finished? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is visiting her friend Vivian.) <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Elaine, I'm so glad you came out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> You haven't seen Jimmy for years. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, you know all lurchy and awkward. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Actually, I'm gonna need someone to look after him tomorrow evening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tomorrow evening, sure. <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Do you know anyone responsible? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do I know anyone?? <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Well, if you think of anybody, give me a call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George is with his girlfriend Tara. She is lighting a candle.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> TARA </b> Incense, for the mood. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me know if there's anything I can do to lend support to the mood. <b> </b><b> </b> (Takes of his shoes and smells the candle.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Um, cream soda? <b> </b><b> TARA </b> Vanilla. <b> </b><b> - </b> <b> </b> (Monk's Cafe. Jerry and Elaine.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you believe that, Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first thing they ask is: who's responsible for this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around. <b> </b><b> </b> (George comes to the table and starts eating Jerry's fries.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened, I thought you were with Tara tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was, I had to leave. She lit some vanilla incenses. The smell drove me nuts, all I could think about was food, I had to get out of there. We need some pudding here! Pudding! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You just left? What did you tell her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told I had a bus transfer that was only good just for another hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, I was starving Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Waitress bring pudding to George.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, pudding! You want some? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you kidding? We look great! You know what this pudding needs? The skin on the top, you know like your mother used to make it on the stove. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, what do you think? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think you're getting a little pudding under the skin yourself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ---- </b> <b> </b> (Kramer is at the County Blood Bank.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My service rates went up? You banks are all the same with your hidden fees and your service charges. Well, maybe I'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BANK EMPLOYEE </b> Well, we can transfer to another bank for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping my blood in my freezer with...my money! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Tara.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So eh, what do you say? <b> </b><b> TARA </b> I guess we could use some food in our lovemaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, we got your...got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, your pastrami on rye with mustard, your honey... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TARA </b> Wait wait wait, pastrami on rye with mustard? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah yeah, don't you know they used pastrami in that movie 9½ weeks? Remember the pastrami scene? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TARA </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where ever it was, it worked! <b> </b><b> </b> (George takes a big bite and charges on to Tara.) <b> </b><b> ---- </b> <b> </b> (Monk's Cafe, Jerry and George.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't go for it, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges; Exacto knife. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you George, no more pudding. I'm starting a purification program. Keep all that kind of food away from me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I guess these would be out of the question. (pulls out two pudding skins in plastic bags.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell is that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pudding skin singles. <b> </b><b> --- </b> <b> </b> (5A, Kramer and Jerry.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I closed down my account at the blood bank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, it...it's here in the building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right across the hall. What, you wanna go see? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer! Freak out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine comes in.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, working out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know it and I ditched all my junk food. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer looks to the fridge.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What the heck is going on here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry buddy, clean house. It's all health food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Vivian left me a message. I guess a certain someone changed her mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other someone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this about me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, then I lost interest. <b> </b> (Elaine calls on the phone.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Vivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's, I got your message...What? Yeah, he's right here, hold on...(hands the phone to Kramer.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> For me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah, I'll be there...Yeah later. (puts the phone down) Well, somebody's baby-sitting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You? I'm more responsible than you are! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer with my own blood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George is in bed with Tara. He reaches to the drawer for some sandwich.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Tara! <b> </b><b> - </b> <b> </b> (Kramer comes to the Vivian's house and bangs the screen door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine comes and taps him on the back.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't take my money! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've got to get out of here, I'm gonna baby-sit the hell out of that kid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I'm the baby-sitter. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit the road. <b> </b><b> </b> (Vivian comes to open the door and Elaine pushes Kramer off the porch.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Elaine? What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer is actually sleeping one off, so I thought that I'd help out...(Kramer moans from the bushes) what's that, some raccoon or something...(hits Kramer with a broom.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Well, I guess this would be all right. Jimmy, you remember Elaine? She's gonna watch you tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Jimmy. (Jimmy kicks Elaine to the shin.) Ouch! (The screen door hits her in the head.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (5A, Kramer and Jerry.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were baby-sitting at Vivian's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There was an incident. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no, where's the blood? (opens the fridge) It's in here isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Would you stop it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Jell-O. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about this? This is blood isn't it?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This is tomato juice, look...(drinks from the bottle.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh, you're sick! You're sick!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Will you calm down. I took all my blood down to Newman's. He let me put it in his meat freezer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what's going on? Who made pudding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah yeah, George he came by and made more of those pudding skin singles. They're delicious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Damn that George, I told him I don't want this stuff around here anymore... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry hits a spatula on the table and one Exacto knife flies through the air.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Heads up! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aaah... <b> </b><b> ---- </b> <b> </b> (Elaine is on the baby-sitting gig and Jimmy is shooting her with a toy gun.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> You're dead, president Lincoln! You're dead! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wish I was dead. <b> </b><b> JIMMY </b> Can I have your juice? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> As long as you don't put... <b> </b> (Jimmy pours the juice to Elaine's bag.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thanks for the re-fill. <b> </b> (Jimmy runs laughing from the room and Vivian comes in.) <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Hey, Elaine! How did it go? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he's...he's a joy... <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Really? Some sitter have told me he's bit of a handful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could do this every day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Oh Elaine, that's so good to hear. I've been having a few health problems lately. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not serious, is it? <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Well, it might be. Just in case anything does happen, it's nice to know there's somebody like you around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know. (Pours the juice from the bag back to glass.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry wakes up at the hospital. Kramer is staring at him up close.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aah! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's ok, Jerry. I'm right here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can see that! What happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That knife, it nicked your jugular. You know Jerry, when somebody yells 'heads up', you're not supposed to actually look up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll remember that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anyway, you were lucky that I was there. You lost a lot of blood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry starts screaming and Kramer joins him.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Three pints of Kramer's blood? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, so much for purification week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, how's the fornicating gourmet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, we're trying to have a civilization here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine comes in.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how was baby-sitting? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, just great. I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sure it won't be the worst. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It doesn't matter. If anything happens to her, I'm on deck! Scissors mishap, air show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's a dangerous world. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting gig. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (5A, Kramer and Jerry.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all bramble, see it's like thicket back there. Look, I need somebody to shave it for me, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not touching that thing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I have to say I'm very surprised and disappointed - blood brother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse, (takes Jerry hand) hey buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because I'll give it to you? I'll rip it out right here and stack it on the table! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, all right I'll do it, sit down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort of an all over kind of thing, all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer leaves. Jerry phone rings and he answers.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b> (It's Helen and Morty.) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Kramer called, he told that you were in a hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer called you? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He calls every week. Are you all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I'm fine. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He says he's fine. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Tell him to eat a plum. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, you really have to take better care of yourself. We bought you some session with a personal trainer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't need a personal trainer. (Kramer comes in) all right I've got to go, we'll talk about this later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Plum...(Jerry hangs up.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are you calling my parents? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, maybe if you called more often, I wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom, cause your bed is really nice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok! <b> </b> (Newman runs in with two boxes of popcorn.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Blood! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> (Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Izzy Mandelbaum.) <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Hello, dough boy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal trainer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> I'm here to whip you in to shape, so grab your jocks - if you need one. It's go-time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is on another baby-sitting gig at Vivian's. Vivian comes in and Elaine is sleeping on the couch, smoking a cigar.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Elaine? Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Where's Jimmy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, I don't know...we had HoHos for dinner and then eh...and then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running around until he got tired and then he laid down somewhere I...I tell you I'm no good watching that kid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Sleeping like an angel. Elaine, you're the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! I'm a scatter brain. That's why I probably can't hold a job or keep a man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Be quiet. So, will you watch Jimmy tomorrow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, but I'm running out of purses here. (takes her purse from a punch ball.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Gladiator Gym. Jerry and Mr. Mandelbaum.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Drop your purse, and pick up that medicine ball. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this a gym, or some kind of fitness museum? <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Not funny, over your head with it. Are you ready? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For what? <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> All aboard in the pain train! <b> </b> (Izzy starts hitting Jerry's stomach with weak taps.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How many session did my parents paid for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Not enough to make a man of you, daffodil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Tara are in bed. George reaches out for a sandwich) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're hot tonight! <b> </b><b> </b><b> TARA </b> Oh, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And now for the trifecta. (Picks up a hand held TV and gets back under the covers.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TARA </b> George? George? What are you doing?! (Pulls the covers off. George is eating a sandwich and watching TV.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pleasuring you? <b> </b><b> - </b> <b> </b><b> </b> Manana. Jerry comes in.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We're making sausages. <b> </b> (Jerry stops the tape.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you were gonna watch a video. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, an instructional video about how to make your own sausages. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I'm not in a mood for this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, all right. Newman, let's go grab some mail sacks and haul these beauties out of here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer starts the tape again and he and Newman leave.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Blood over there, sausages over here. I'm living in a slaughter house. <b> </b><b> </b> (Izzy Mandelbaum comes in with a plywood plate.) <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Tonight I want you to sleep on this. Toughens the vertebrae. (Looks at the sausages) What in holy hell? Sausages? Is this your diet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Don't lie to me, butter bean. We're taking it up a notch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ------------------------------------------------------- </b> <b> </b> (Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, the free love buffet is over? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo. <b> </b><b> </b> (George eats a sandwich and gets flustered.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. This sandwich is making me flush. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think you're right. You gonna eat that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine comes in) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, I tell you; if this woman dies, it is going to be a major inconvenience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> These fries are really really good... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, that's enough of that. (Jerry takes the plates and hands them to a waitress.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean I can't shake this woman. You know, now I have to go to Jimmy's birthday party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uuh, sleepy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, sleepy here is quite a weasel, maybe he can bat for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer comes in.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why did you get rid of that sausage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted me out of his freezer. Look, I've got to take my blood back to the bank, can I borrow your car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's wrong with yours? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood cold or it'll go bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, but this is it, this is the last favor, we're even! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's car. Kramer is taking the blood to the bank. Manaja song is playing.) <b> </b> (Kramer looks at the car's thermometer and it gets on hot.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, man...(looks to the glove compartment for a manual.) "If the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner". Never, I can't do that. <b> </b><b> </b> (Engine begins to smoke.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, mama... <b> </b> (Kramer stops and opens the hood.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Shees, come on...(opens the radiator)..this thing is bone dry. (Looks at the blood.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ---------------------------------------------------- </b> <b> </b> (Elaine is visiting Vivian.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Vivian... <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! This is my friend George. <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Hi... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy. <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Oh, isn't Elaine fantastic? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes she is. It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Really, why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you haven't heard, she's going to live with her grandparents in Redding Pennsylvania. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Her grandparent passed away five years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to Scotland. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> She's American citizen, I have seen her passport. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> I haven't heard anything about another Biosphere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's because it's underwater. <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> This is insane. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is it? <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Yes it it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's all for charity, so what's the difference. <b> </b><b> </b> (Oven pings) <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> You...very knowledgeable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. Hungry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very. <b> </b> (They kiss and fall down to the floor.) <b> </b><b> VIVIAN </b> Oh, wait...(Vivian turns the TV on.) Oohh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Vivian!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's has belt and it's connected to the car with a rope. Izzy and Izzy Jr. are in the car.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this really necessary? <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> If you wanna live in a butcher shop, I'm gonna treat you like a piece of meat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if I can't keep up? <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> You lie, you dry. Fire it up, son. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> Right dad, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY AND IZZY JR </b> Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...(Izzy Jr. drives ahead, but the car starts jerking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Move it, move it! Get those knees up! Come on, kick it, kick it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> There's something wrong with your car. It's dripping something on my feet. Some kind of red liquid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God, the blood! <b> </b><b> IZZY JR. </b> Blood!! <b> </b> (Izzy Jr. floors the gas pedal and Jerry falls down.) <b> </b><b> IZZY </b> Get up boy, get up! We got a problem here! Tough it up. This is for real, you've got to want it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ... </b> <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine in a hospital.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So how long did they drag you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, for the first quarter mile they thought that I was just doggin' it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Jimmy come in) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi George. Hi Jimmy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside, you know, play with something. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jimmy kicks George in to the shin.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ouch! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the kid doing here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't make it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's a drag... <b> </b> (Kramer comes in.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That kid... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You put blood in the car?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, it was overheating. You should take better care of that thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they told me that I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You didn't get the blood from me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then who? <b> </b> (Newman comes in and he has band aid in his arm.) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aaaaahhh...!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY AND KRAMER </b> Aaaahhh...!!! <b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Blood Script

1997-10-30

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE JUNK MAIL </b> Written by Spike Feresten <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY, ON THE PHONE </b> Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh. Chinese food! <b> GEORGE </b> Who was it? <b> JERRY </b> I did a show for a car dealership and they're getting me a new SAAB. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about your old car? They couldn't get Kramer's blood out of it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, the engine clotted. You know who set this whole thing up for me? <b> </b> Frank Merman. <b> GEORGE </b> Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked that guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? He's harmless. <b> GEORGE </b> Every summer you guys went to camp together. I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me. <b> JERRY </b> He was not the summer you. Besides, you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk, <b> </b><b> </b> the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris. <b> GEORGE </b> I made him up. <b> JERRY </b> So you never saw Last Tango in Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> JERRY </b> Too bad. It was erotic. jackbooted thugs! <b> JERRY </b> 'Pottery Barn'? <b> KRAMER </b> I got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs in one day. That makes eight this month. <b> JERRY </b> Why don't you just throw 'em out? <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no. I've been saving them up here in your apartment. And now, it's payback time. 'Pottery Barn' is in for a world of hurt. <b> </b><b> </b> phones. So you wanna grab a bite? <b> GEORGE </b> I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So call now. <b> GEORGE </b> I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes, a few <b> </b> you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile Frankie the one <b> </b> that used to run into the woods every time he got upset? <b> JERRY </b> That's him. <b> GEORGE </b> Is he still nuts? <b> JERRY </b> What do you think? They gave me a new car for thirty minutes of 'So, who's from out of town?' or what? <b> ELAINE </b> Mmm. De-lish. <b> PUDDY </b> Delish? <b> ELAINE </b> Delish. You know, short for delicious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Oh, like scrump. <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> PUDDY </b> I'm gonna be late. See ya later. <b> JACK </b> Excuse me, can I borrow your ketchup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Thank you. Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, it's Georgie. <b> ESTELLE </b> Let me put your father on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ma! <b> FRANK </b> Who is this? <b> GEORGE </b> Dad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at Fortunoff's the other day, and, <b> </b> you know what, you were right. <b> FRANK, HANGING UP </b> Sorry, George, our Chinese food just came. Talk to you <b> </b> later. <b> GEORGE </b> Chinese food? <b> </b> sending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, maybe they had Chinese food? <b> GEORGE </b> After dark? Please. At their age, that's like swallowing stun <b> </b> grenades. <b> JERRY </b> Well, there's one way to check. Where there's Chinese food, there's <b> </b> leftovers. <b> GEORGE </b> That's dynamite. Yeah, I'll look for the Chinese food leftovers. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it was like this, totally unreal, <b> </b> fairy tale moment. <b> JERRY </b> It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it? <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, George's friend. Whatever happened to him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy, and this new guy, in a big pot <b> </b> of love stew. <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah... Puddy. Well, I won't fire him until I see if this new <b> </b> guy can... handle the workload. 'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all these <b> </b> companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stop the mail? <b> KRAMER </b> That's... even better! <b> </b><b> FRANKIE </b> Jerry! <b> JERRY </b> Hey, Frankie! So, where's the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANKIE </b> This is it. <b> JERRY </b> Inside the van? <b> FRANKIE </b> It is the van! Don't you remember, we always talked about how cool <b> </b> it would be to have a van and just drive? <b> JERRY </b> We were ten. <b> FRANKIE </b> Come on. Let's take it for a spin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want a van. <b> ELAINE </b> Well, just tell him you want the SAAB. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand. This is Fragile Frankie Merman. When we were in <b> </b> camp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole, and sit in it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I have an idea. Keep the van, and get a bumper sticker that <b> </b> says, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.' <b> JERRY </b> Always helpful. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, Georgie, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, you never called me back. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Uh... the phone broke. <b> FRANK </b> Well, we got to get moving. <b> GEORGE </b> What? Where are you going? <b> FRANK </b> We have a catered affair. <b> GEORGE </b> You're going like that? suspicious. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Elaine, I'm sorry I'm late. Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face <b> JACK </b> I'm gonna be in the can. <b> ELAINE </b> Okay, Jack. <b> CASHIER </b> Sure. right. Again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aye, aye. <b> FRANKIE </b> Oh, there's a spot. Just back up. Large-vehicle reverse beeping starts <b> JERRY </b> Hold on. There must be a truck backing up. <b> </b><b> FRANKIE </b> No, that's us. <b> JERRY </b> Great. You know, Frankie, I was wondering. What if I decided that <b> </b> it's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York City. Is <b> </b> there maybe some way I could exchange it? <b> FRANKIE </b> You don't like the van? <b> JERRY </b> No, no, no. Just hypothetically. <b> FRANKIE </b> I gotta go to the park. <b> JERRY </b> No! No, you don't! No woods. I love the van. I'm a van guy. <b> </b><b> </b> them, but let's see them get by... these bricks. <b> JERRY </b> Where'd you get the bricks? <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, the whole building is brick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you want to take a ride with me out to Jersey? I'm gonna try to <b> </b> sell the van to a lot. <b> KRAMER </b> A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out an ad. Sell it privately. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think I want to meet the people that are in the market for a <b> </b> used van. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, Jerry, just let me help you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> OK. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. OK, so... 'For sale. A big, <b> </b> juicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades considered.' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want to trade. <b> KRAMER </b> No, you don't have to. It's all about tickling their buying bone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you know what? This is all your mail. They're puttin' it in my <b> </b> box now. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's it. They have gone too far. They keep pushing me, and <b> </b> pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk to them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Jerry. I'd like you to meet someone. This is Jack. <b> </b> Heraldic harp sounds as Jerry looks at Jack's face <b> </b><b> POSTAL EMPLOYEE </b> May I help you? <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail. <b> POSTAL EMPLOYEE </b> Certainly. How long would you like us to hold it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me. I want out, permanently. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'll handle this, Violet. Why don't you take your three hour break? <b> </b> Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yes, I am. <b> NEWMAN </b> What about your bills? <b> KRAMER </b> The bank can pay 'em. <b> NEWMAN </b> The bank. What about your cards and letters? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex, telex, telegrams, <b> </b> holograms. <b> NEWMAN </b> All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you <b> </b> think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't know the half of <b> </b> what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUPERVISOR </b> Is everything all right here, Postal Employee Newman? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes, sir, I believe everything is all squared away. Isn't it, Mr. <b> </b> Kramer? <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. As long as I stop getting mail! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh! <b> GEORGE </b> Quick for a... catered affair. <b> FRANK </b> I don't know what you mean. <b> GEORGE </b> You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> George, we've had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, <b> </b> but even parents have limits. <b> ESTELLE </b> The breakups, the firings. And every Sunday with the calls. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What my wife is trying to say is that this is supposed to be our <b> </b> time. <b> GEORGE </b> I'm not following. <b> FRANK </b> We're cuttin' you lose. <b> GEORGE </b> You're cuttin' me loose? <b> FRANK </b> Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make love to your mother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They don't want to see me anymore! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But this is what you've always wanted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It is. I'm just not ready yet. <b> JERRY </b> Aw, that's kind of sweet. <b> GEORGE </b> Ah, shut up, Jerry. My parents think they can ignore me. Heh heh. <b> </b> Well, they better think again. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. George, please. What are you going to do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna date her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mother of God. <b> GEORGE </b> One little wink. She'll freak out, tell my parents. They'll be all <b> </b> over me. Who is this guy? <b> JERRY </b> That guy Elaine's dating seems really familiar to me. I think he may <b> </b> have been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what is this? <b> </b> On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the Wiz, chanting <b> </b> Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz! <b> JERRY </b> That is the guy! <b> GEORGE </b> Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, she thinks she's in love with him. But she's just remembering <b> </b> this old commercial. <b> GEORGE </b> That's pretty pathetic. <b> JERRY </b> I know. They're not even related. <b> GEORGE </b> Uh... hey. I'm gonna get going. <b> JERRY </b> Hey, have fun at the... family reunion. So, what do you know about <b> </b> this Jack fellow? <b> ELAINE </b> Isn't he the best? <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, nobody beats him. What kind of work does he do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, right now he's a fact checker for New York Magazine. It's not <b> </b> much, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity. this? On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the Wiz, chanting <b> </b> Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz! <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, yes. <b> </b> come on buy. <b> </b><b> RHISA </b> Yeah, thanks. <b> GEORGE </b> Sure. You know, Rhisa. I've always found you... very attractive. <b> </b><b> RHISA </b> What? <b> GEORGE </b> I know it may sound shocking. But, I just can't stop myself from... <b> </b> wanting you. <b> RHISA </b> You want to borrow money, right? <b> GEORGE </b> No, no. I-I just want us to be... together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RHISA </b> All right. <b> GEORGE </b> All right? <b> RHISA </b> Let's go for it. <b> GEORGE </b> Well... we could dance around it a little first. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whoa! Whoa! Geez! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know why I'm selling it. I hate it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How many miles? <b> JERRY </b> Two. <b> KRAMER </b> City or highway? <b> JERRY </b> Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what? <b> </b> pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm not paying for <b> </b> that. <b> JERRY </b> All right, just get out of here. <b> KRAMER </b> All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the <b> </b> van. <b> JERRY </b> OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put you in this van today?' <b> </b> But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'. <b> JERRY </b> You put that in! <b> JERRY </b> You want to trade me an undershirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He <b> </b> took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it. <b> JERRY </b> That's disgusting. <b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's my final offer. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a mistake. So, let's just put it <b> </b> behind us, and we can continue like this never happened. <b> PUDDY </b> Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag <b> </b> repairman. <b> ELAINE </b> You're not taking me back? <b> PUDDY, LEAVING </b> That's right. <b> ELAINE </b> He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And nobody beats him. Nobody... <b> </b><b> </b> on. Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend. <b> WOMAN </b> Why does this dummy have a bucket on its head? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because we're blind to their tyranny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Move along, Betty. <b> FRANKIE </b> Is this, uh, Jerry Seinfeld's van? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, not anymore. He traded it to me for some Hollywood <b> </b> memorabilia. <b> FRANKIE </b> I'm, uh, I'm so stupid. <b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's into it? <b> GEORGE </b> She's leaving me dirty messages on my answering machine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So have your parents found out about it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks we have a real future <b> </b> together. <b> JERRY </b> Brave new world, alright. <b> JERRY </b> Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front of the post office today, <b> </b> and not one person went in. <b> JERRY </b> It's Sunday. <b> GEORGE </b> Why is the mailman wearing a bucket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then... shouldn't you be wearing the bucket. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I want my van keys back. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal for Quinn's t-shirt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you insane? Give 'em to me. <b> KRAMER </b> No, I can't, I can't. See, I told Frank he could borrow it. Yeah, he <b> </b> wants to move some of George's stuff into storage. <b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute? He's picking up the van tonight? This is perfect. <b> </b> I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic. Then when my father slides the door <b> </b> open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends came by and he was very upset <b> </b> that I had your wheels. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, no, not Frankie. <b> KRAMER </b> Well, I didn't catch his name, but then he went running into the <b> </b> park. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, no, the woods! The hole! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kramer, what the hell are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket to something else. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Not that! <b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> NEWMAN </b> You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't even be talking to you, but <b> </b> walking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a mail truck will <b> </b> slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know, maybe even <b> </b> trust, will offer to give you a lift. <b> KRAMER </b> Are you through? <b> NEWMAN </b> No! And no one will ever see you again! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are you through? <b> NEWMAN </b> Yes. No, wait! OK, yes. in! <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you said it was going down. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> There's another way it can go down, and it's going down right now! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. You said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I know you know, but you don't know what I know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie, is that you? <b> </b><b> HOLE DIGGER </b> My name is Edgar. <b> JERRY </b> Have a nice night. <b> HOLE DIGGER </b> Thank you. <b> </b> Frankie, digging a hole, talking to himself, and seeing Jerry's van pull up <b> </b><b> NEAR HIM </b> Stupid... so stupid! Jerry? <b> RHISA </b> All right, George. I'm ready. <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying to get a reading on my <b> </b> dashboard compass. Where are my parents? <b> RHISA </b> Geor-gie... Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van?! he saying? <b> GEORGE </b> I think he's saying 'Son of Sam'! Oh, my God! <b> </b><b> RHISA </b> No, they caught him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So I told him, 'Hit the road. I'm going back with Jack.' <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Elaine, that's the second piece of good news today. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really, what was the first? again. <b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> JACK, DANCING AROUND </b> I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz! <b> ELAINE </b> Well what, what about your fact-checking job? <b> </b><b> JACK, DANCING AROUND </b> Oh... here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the Wiz! I'm the Wiz <b> </b> and noooobody beats me! <b> </b> there. <b> FRANKIE </b> You hate the van. <b> JERRY </b> But I'm keeping it. As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy, <b> </b> it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people. <b> </b><b> FRANKIE </b> So, can we go for a ride? <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, let's just get out of here. with that? <b> </b> Good. He left the door unlocked. <b> ESTELLE </b> Why did Kramer have to park the van in the woods? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Isn't it obvious? There are no parking meters out here. <b> </b> mama! <b> </b><b> POSTMASTER GENERAL </b> Oh, my goodness. What have they done to you here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? Who are you? <b> POSTMASTER GENERAL </b> Well, you can just call me Henry. <b> KRAMER </b> Henry Atkins? The postmaster general? <b> </b><b> </b><b> POSTMASTER GENERAL </b> Last time I checked. <b> KRAMER </b> Henry... can I get out of here now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> POSTMASTER GENERAL </b> Oh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean, after all, I drove <b> </b> all the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh? <b> POSTMASTER GENERAL </b> I even had to cancel a round of golf with the secretary <b> </b> of state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer? <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> POSTMASTER GENERAL </b> Kramer, I've been, uh, reading some of your material <b> </b> imagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood <b> </b><b> </b> handing out pottery catalogs, door to door. <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! Ha ha. <b> POSTMASTER GENERAL </b> Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn serious about it. <b> </b> In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both know, it's the <b> </b> job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can understand why <b> </b> I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm very, very sorry. <b> POSTMASTER GENERAL </b> Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a stack of mail out <b> </b> at the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't you Mr. <b> </b> Kramer? <b> KRAMER </b> Sure do! Kramer, seeing Newman walk into the office with a bucket on his head, <b> </b><b> NEWMAN, WHIMPERING </b> Tell the world my story. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, George! <b> GEORGE </b> Jerry! Hey, that's the guy! <b> JERRY </b> What? George Costanza, Frankie Merman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. The summer me. <b> FRANKIE </b> The winter me. <b> JERRY </b> You must be George's cousin. <b> RHISA </b> Girlfriend. <b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> JERRY </b> Don't go a-knockin'. <b> FRANKIE </b> Now you gotta sell this van. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What you saw in that van was a natural expression of a man's love for <b> </b> his lady. <b> GEORGE </b> Ohhhh... <b> ESTELLE </b> Your father's right. It's beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> And it was safe. <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, God... <b> FRANK </b> Now if you'll excuse me. Once again, your mother and I... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh... make it stop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Junk Mail Script

1997-11-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW </b> Written by Bruce Eric Kaplan <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer in an alley) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why were you making gravel? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it. <b> </b><b> </b> Hey, those look familiar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. It's garbage. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin <b> </b><b> </b> Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gold is sitting on you and the next thing - <b> </b><b> </b> you're yesterday's trash. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, Kramer, get out of there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. <b> </b><b> </b> Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (moans) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In George's car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know I uh, spilled a yohgurt smoothie in here two days ago. Can't smell anything, can <b> </b><b> </b> y'a? <b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> Banana? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> George watch out for those pigeons. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana? <b> </b><b> </b> (George hits the pigeons.) <b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> Oh my God. Oh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So uh where are we eating? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Celia's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Oh yeah the toys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you get all these? <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long and painful bout ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Super bowl! Hey, an original G. I. Joe. With a full frogman suit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Jerry, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> No Jerry. They're priceless. They've never been played with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just want to touch them a little. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> I said no. Now come here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Peterman's) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> Hi I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Walter what is the deal with that guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WALTER </b> Oh he's Lou Filerman. He's new here. Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You've been an enormous help. <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ran over some pigeons? How many? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. We have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Maranda's cooled on y'a? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm getting nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, me neither. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand women. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here comes one. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. What's going on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey (sees coffee marks) Art Garfunkle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, Castro. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right <b> </b><b> </b> next to you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So he just sidles up? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's right! He's a real sidler. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you didn't see him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making a cup of soup <b> </b><b> </b> singing that song from "The Lion King". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hakuna Matata? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought I was alone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That doesn't make it right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Outside Jerry's apartment door) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Would you just let it go? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's the Merv Griffin set <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you get this in here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So where are you gonna sleep? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah ... backstage. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Phew! This chair smells like garbage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV <b> </b><b> </b> yeah, you can take Mannix for example. <b> </b> (phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna get that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime( Jerry exits) Well, Elaine Benes! <b> </b><b> </b> Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine suts down) Why, is it possible that you are even more <b> </b><b> </b> beautiful than the last time I saw you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (giggles) <b> </b> ( Central Park) <b> </b> (George runs at pigeons. They don't move for him) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We had a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Peterman's Office) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> One moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the <b> </b><b> </b> year. Annnnnd done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly. It must have been an <b> </b><b> </b> awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b> (Lou Filerman is standing behind her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys growing up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that was me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> An Army Pete. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And we all know how painful that can be. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Excuse me yeah. We're talking ... this way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, he's getting credit for work I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, what is wrong with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards (to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste <b> </b><b> </b> of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You, sidle? You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Only in New York. ... ha ha <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise! <b> </b><b> </b> Yeah, sit, sit, sit.. Weeell! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it happened again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> tut tut , I'll ask the questions. What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, let's change the subject. Now, uh you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ... what <b> </b><b> </b> was that like? That was the wrong card. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So they're like everyone else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (laughs too loudly) All right, let's take a short break. .... Okay! We're back! <b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy that bank clock is eight minutes off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> Then why don't you just run IT over too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Zing. <b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> George, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved <b> </b><b> </b> that pigeons life! <b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> What pigeon? You drove right onto that squirrel. (leaves the car) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with <b> THEM! </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Celia's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry tries to play with the toys) <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Jerry! Those hands! They never stop! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. You got any booze? Let's say you and I get ripped! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> No thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. (Jerry checking in the medicine cabinet for bottles that say "cause drowsiness") <b> </b><b> </b> ( Peterman's office) <b> </b><b> LOU </b> Here's the new copy you wanted. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ... <b> </b><b> </b> with both of you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (quietly standing behind Lou) Thank you. ha ha <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent dribble! This is a total redo and I'm <b> </b><b> </b> assuming I need it right away. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I guess we'll just (Lou has left) Hey, just gimme that. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Celia's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (playing with the toys while Celia is sleeping) Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe. <b> </b><b> </b> (Veterinarian's office) <b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> Doctor, is the squirrel going to live? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> There's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but it would be costly, <b> </b><b> </b> difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, uh, are there any other options? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> We could put him to sleep. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What might that cost? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well, it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well? (Miranda hits George) I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. we'd like you to do <b> </b><b> </b> everything possible. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> He, um. he's not going to be the same, you know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> yeah. yeah. I know. <b> </b> ( Kramer's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> El Paso? I spent a month there one night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (laughs)El Paso! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's he here for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> To take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand <b> </b><b> </b> there's a young lady in your life. mmm <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night <b> </b><b> </b> I finally got to play with them. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well. It sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Are you married right now? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and <b> </b><b> </b> I guess she passed out! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's even got that old Matel football game that we love! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take <b> </b><b> </b> advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. Jerry, now, what you do with your personal <b> </b><b> </b> life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I told you he was a risk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Smile, everyone! We're back! <b> </b> ( Elaine's office) <b> </b><b> LOU </b> You wanted to see me, Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, Lou. you've got a lot going for you. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous. You're <b> </b><b> </b> symmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?. It's just that your... <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> My dead tooth? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. Your. (breathes) <b> </b><b> LOU </b> My breath? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eechh. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> What can I do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you should never ever go anywhere without these. (Tic Tacs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! (he clicks ans clicks now when he walks) <b> </b><b> </b> ( Celia's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> More wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more wine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought: <b> </b><b> </b> ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat. <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> Triptaphen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ... I think. Have some more wine. <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> What video did you get? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Four hours. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> More heavy gravy? <b> </b> (Celia is sleeping ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (playing with toys) Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Kramer's apartment) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. you know. <b> </b><b> </b> I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, we've officially bottomed out. Who's our next guest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We've got no one! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We need a new foreman. We should shut down and re-tool. <b> </b><b> </b> (pulls the plug and the show goes dark) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What about a guest-host? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll pretend I didn't hear that. <b> </b> ( Veterinarian's office) <b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> Doctor, how's the squirrel? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is he dead? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> Yes he would. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> You have 30 minutes. (exits) <b> </b><b> GOERGE </b> So ... uh, squirrel. <b> </b> (Doctor enters) <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> One more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up <b> </b><b> </b> tomorrow. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He has no home. He's a squirrel. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his <b> </b><b> </b> tail elevated. (exits) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe it'll be fun having a pet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's <b> </b><b> </b> gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep! <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about my "questionable material"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I practically raised his kids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. Can I bring the squirrel by? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? Two animal acts on the same show? What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm <b> </b><b> </b> sorry, but maybe another time, all right? (exits) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically <b> </b><b> </b> bionic! <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! ha ha Nice sidle, huh? Speaking of which I think I got that problem solved. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tic-Tacs worked? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's a human maraca. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You took him over to Celia's? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? It's a victimless crime. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, one victim. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think it's unconscionable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> EZ Bake oven? <b> </b> (Celia's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who wants cupcake? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, me, me, me, me, me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (on TV) You step on it and it flushes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (on TV) Stop squirming. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, don't look. This is the part where they change me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're like eight years old. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (on TV) Georgie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was seven and a half. <b> </b> ( Elaine's office) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That noise. that's the noise. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That inferno rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the <b> </b><b> </b> source. In my office, in the hallway. even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side <b> </b><b> </b> have you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No Mister Peterman. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can And if you are undead - <b> </b><b> </b> I'll find out about that too. (Exits) <b> </b> (Coffee room) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lou! In here! We have to talk. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> Oh, right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) No, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because they're turning your teeth green? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> I only buy the white ones. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. Just stop carrying these, okay? <b> </b><b> </b> Just ... just mouth wash. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> I can't. It burns my cankers. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Binacca? <b> </b><b> LOU </b> Again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOU </b> I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped <b> </b><b> </b> making that about 20 years ago. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, stinky, this is your lucky day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Kramer's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FOWLER </b> Where are the cameras? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But first, we're talking with Jerry. Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with <b> </b><b> </b> her toy collection. How do you feel about that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was great! I've done it a few more time since then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And she doesn't know anything about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, not a thing. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> laughs <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> What kind of a sick twisted creep are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN AND KRAMER </b> Woah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? What is she doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Go with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Go girl! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN AND KRAMER </b> Ohhh! <b> </b> (George enters with the squirrel) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mister Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George I told you we're booked! <b> </b><b> FOWLER </b> Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ohhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FOWLER </b> No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are we getting this? <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So the whole set was destroyed? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry about the set. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I tell y'a it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own <b> </b><b> </b> talk show set. <b> </b><b> MIRANDA </b> I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So the squirrel's gonna make it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sleeping on the couch? So you're... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Still getting nothing! So go ahead pigeons. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last <b> </b><b> </b> think I heard ... we have NO DEAL! <b> </b> ( Celia's ) <b> </b><b> CELIA </b> I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CELIA </b> Who's he? (Lou) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for y'a. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Merv Griffin Show Script

1997-11-13

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SLICER </b> Written by Darin Henry, Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Morning. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I need some space. <b> </b> (Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Does that mean I have to go too? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't think she's just talking to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, shut up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You shut up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I hate this. <b> </b> (Kramer pops out the covers.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You'll get used to it. It's like a grubby scrub. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I don't want this anymore. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll come to work with you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And on your dates. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And shopping. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't breath...I'm sorry...(Elaine wakes up) You're killing me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 30. She realizes, that alarm comes from next door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Banging the wall) Turn your alarm off!! (Screams) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Kruger's office. Kruger is reading George's CV.) <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Your background is impressive George, but how does it apply to what we do here, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, at the Yankees it was all about smoothing things over, you know, chiseling away, grinding down. In fact we used to call it 'the grind'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> It says here that you worked at Play Now for four days? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That should be 14, let me just...(corrects it with a pen.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> George, I have to honest; I could go either way with you...but what the hell, we need someone, huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You won't regret this, sir. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> I don't care. Let's find you an office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kruger's family and George on the background.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's cafe. Jerry, George and Kramer.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...and then when I saw the photo I remembered where I'd seen him; the boom box incident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The boom box incident? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This family sits up next to me. I go in to the surfs and when I come from out, my clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're all gone. I am furious, I start screaming to these kids demanding my stuff back and finally I lose it; I grab their boom box and I chuck it in to the ocean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seems reasonable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then I see my clothes floating out there. The tied took them out, not the kids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Even more reasonable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So now, the father is screaming at me, he's demanding that I pay for the boom box. Finally, I gave them a fake address and got the hell out of there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And that guy is your new boss? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Until that stupid photo jogs his memory. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Kruger? That's not Kruger Industrial Smoothing, is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They are the ones who botched the Statue of Liberty job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, they couldn't get the green stuff off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It is a horrible company. There's no management what so ever. I could go hog wild in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You now what you do? You sneak that photo out of there for couple of days and get it air brushed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like retouched. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You remember that photo of me and Gerald Ford and I took it in. Got that Ford right out of there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is good. This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to work for him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George leaves. Kramer tries to eat a sandwich and it brakes in to his hands.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at this. This sandwich is terrible. Everywhere you go, they give you this misshaped shardy meat. Look at this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer tosses Jerry's sandwich around.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Neither have I. <b> </b><b> </b> (5A. Kramer is slicing meat with a meat slicer. Jerry comes in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, our meat problems are solved. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you get this thing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I traded it to my sausage press. Look how thin that is, see that's all surface area. The taste has nowhere to hide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine comes in.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, spice. (gives Elaine a piece of meat.) Welcome to flavor country. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's pretty good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I got a date with that doctor you met. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sara Sitarides? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mmhu. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...(falls in to the sofa.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You remember that next door neighbor of mine, the apartment that always smells like potatoes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your whole building smells like potatoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This jackass goes to Paris, leaves the alarm on. It's been beeping since 3:30 this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, that happened to Lomez, so he blew his neighbor's circuit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do you do that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me finish this mile high and I'll be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser rolls. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think we might have one left in the stock room. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer looks lost.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's building. Elaine and Kramer.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This hallway smells like potatoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, I know, this is it. (points to a door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably connected to her apartment. So what we'll do, we'll take this paper clip and bend it so it'll short out the entire circuit. Here you go... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think I'll let you do it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no no. It's easy, you just...do it quickly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I really don't want to. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't want to either. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought you had done this before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's just...it's no picnic. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, how are we gonna do it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, fine fine, I'll do it. <b> </b> (Kramer moisturizes the paper clip in his mouth and sticks it to the power socket. Electric buzz and Kramer twitches on the floor. The lights go off.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh mama. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you okay? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I will lose that nail. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's cafe. Jerry and Dr. Sara Sitarides.) <b> </b><b> SARA </b> I enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally you have no idea what it's like to have someone's life depending on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I have this neighbor... <b> </b><b> SARA </b> A joke. Do you have any idea how it feels like to save someone's life? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it anything like hitting a home run in softball? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cause I hit a whopper last week! <b> </b><b> </b> (Flash Foto. George is picking up the photo.) <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Here you go, airbrushed in to sand and sky. <b> </b><b> </b> (George looks at the picture and he is still there, but Kruger isn't.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did you do here? You took out the wrong guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> I thought you said you wanted to be out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm still here. You took out the other guy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> You've really lost a lot of hair. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am aware! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's apartment. She is reading a catalog on her bed.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE THINKING </b> Hmm, the world's best pizza cutter. 76 bucks, how often do I make...oh, I've gotta buy a book. <b> </b><b> </b> (She hears a loud cat meowing next door.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The cat. <b> </b><b> </b> (5A, Jerry, George and Kramer.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He took out Kruger? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just pray Kruger doesn't realize that it's gone until this guy can fix it up. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This slicer is indomitable. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you get that butcher's coat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine comes in.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, my neighbor has a cat. When you blew the power, we must've shut off the automatic feeder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> See, that's the same thing that happened to Lomez. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did he do about it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he moved to a hotel and the cat eventually died. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, this meowing is absolutely worst than the alarm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's a prickly one. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, how's the doctor date? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour and a half making me feel, if I don't save lives, I'm worthless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, she's very focused. Dermatology is her life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dermatology? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, she's a dermatologist. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Saving lives? The whole profession is; eh, just put some aloe on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The slicer! Elaine, let's go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where are we going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The cat. Just grab that meat and let's ride. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Kramer leave.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When are you going on your next date with her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, what's the point? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful opportunity to put that aloe pusher in her place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Revenge date? That sound like you more than me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving lives? She's one step away working at the clinique counter! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're right. I'm gonna call her right now and tell her off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no no no, this has to be carefully orchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner, flowers... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Flowers? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes his mouth to his sweater.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you've done this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Almost. Couldn't get the girl go out with me the second time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's hallway. Kramer and Elaine are sizing the space under the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think we are looking half a millimeter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can it cut that thin? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How did you know you cut it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I guess I just assumed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hold on kitty, dinner's coming. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, that's a hall of famer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, let's do it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that baby slide...(Puts a slice of meat under the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on, come on kitty...(slice disappears) ooh...how about that; it worked! Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh no, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you're not checked at on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do I have to know? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, where the meat goes? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where do you turn it on? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But where does the meat go? <b> </b> (Jerry is on the revenge date with Sara.) <b> </b><b> SARA </b> Restaurant, flowers...this is so nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life saving business? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> It's fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It must take a really really big zit, to kill a man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> What is with you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD! <b> </b><b> </b> (A man comes to the table.) <b> </b><b> PARRY </b> Dr. Sitarides? <b> </b><b> SARA </b> Mr. Parry, how are you? <b> </b><b> PARRY </b> I just wanted to thank you again for saving my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She saved your life? <b> </b><b> PARRY </b> I had skin cancer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Skin cancer! Damn. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's apartment. She is opening letters with the slicer and talking on the phone.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You were right Kramer, this slicer is absolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok bye. <b> </b> (Walks off the couch.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> These heals are so uneven. (Watches the slicer.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Flash foto. George is picking up the photo.) <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Here you Mr. Costanza. <b> </b> (George looks at the photo. Mr. Kruger has been drawn in to the picture.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is this? This is a drawing. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Looks real, doesn't it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is a cartoon! <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Hey, I had to draw that guy from memory. Considering, I think that's damn good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But it's not a photograph, I need a photograph! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Then you better get a camera. <b> </b><b> </b> (5A, George is showing Jerry the picture.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He looks like a Peanuts character. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. The only way to fix it now, is to get a whole new photo of Kruger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can do that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Without his shirt on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger wasn't the place for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It seemed so disorganized. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I understand. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about the Coast Guard? Seems like a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> True. You mean, for you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about your sea sickness? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I could be a land guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know if they have land guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Someone's have to unhook the boat before it leaves...the place! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine comes in.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pliers? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Drawer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are they for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck in a slicer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come again? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, I got a little slicer happy, but listen; don't tell Kramer, okay? He has very strong feelings for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge date go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh, it went okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you dressed nice, did you do it classy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I started out real classy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah you did, you classed it up! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But then I found out about the skin cancer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, so it backfired? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, I guess I was lucky that I never tried that myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of course she treats skin cancer. That's how I met her, she was doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sadly, that knowledge could've help me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, she did a skin cancer screening at Peterman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aha. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Could she do that at Kruger? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, I guess. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and click, I snap me a shot of a bear-chested Kruger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have a little thing for this fella'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge on her! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple must to apologize.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Must I? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How does that reflect me? <b> </b> (Kramer comes in.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, alright where's the SP2000? Cause I gotta slice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aah, I forgot it. I gotta get home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, I'll go with you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Umm, I'm not actually going straight to home, I have to first stop at the eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves) oh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Sara at Sara's office.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So again, I'm sorry. I had no right to yell at you, you're a life saving doctor and I'm just a comedian... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> Jerry, enough. I'll do your friend's cancer screening, because I believe in that, but as far as you and I are concerned; it's off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Was it pimple popper MD? <b> </b><b> SARA </b> That's the one. (Taps Jerry on the cheek and leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Still got it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is trying to get the shoe heal off the slicer.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Out, damn heal! <b> </b> (Knock on the door.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah listen, I need my slicer back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just hold on! <b> </b> (Elaine bangs the slicer to the door.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what's going on? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing...(heal comes loose and Elaine opens the door.) Here, ok I'm on the phone alright? I'm on the phone with someone... <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine closes the door and Kramer checks the slices.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come on! Elaine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Phone call! I'm in a big phone call! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, this is important! (Shakes the door handle and it comes loose. Kramer falls backwards to the next door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEIGHBOR </b> Hey, get the hell out of here! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow, that's a lot of potatoes. <b> </b><b> </b> (5A. Jerry and Kramer.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, George took my slicer down to Kruger and they're smoothing it out for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry comes and shows Kramer his neck, which has red spots all over it.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing a fake beard? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what have you been doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing, I got up, run some errands, I went down to Sara's office and apologized... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what happened there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't go over that well... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There, there's your hives. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, she gave me hives? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, can maketh ill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She did kind of touch my face. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell her that you're not a test tube pin cushion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It does itch. Maybe I will go down at Kruger and talk to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, great, because I got to get down there and pick up my blade. Hey, and I couldn't find that stock room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine tries to go to feed the cat, but door knob comes loose to her hand.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that's fantastic. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kruger's. George and Sara.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be down in a minute. He wanted me to take a photograph for the record. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> What record? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> His personal file, I, I don't ask... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer walk in.) <b> </b><b> SARA </b> Jerry? What brings you here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, this? (Shows his neck to Sara.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> Looks like hives. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where do you suppose that could've come from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, what are you doing... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He is just setting the record straight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand of perverted science do you practice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> Are you suggesting I somehow I infected you on purpose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want the antidote, pimple popper! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> That's it, I'm out of here! You're insane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Am I? You touched my face. I didn't imagine that! <b> </b><b> </b> (Sara leaves and Jerry goes after her.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kruger comes to George and Kramer. Kramer is wearing the white butcher's coat.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Hey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in, we'll be in in a second. Be right with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Doc, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, this is perfect. I need you to go in there, pretend you're a doctor and check this guy for moles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And get a picture of him, with his shirt off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You really are cooking up a little scheme here, aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick, quick... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's bedroom. Cat is meowing next door.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is it. I can take this anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Slow Ride) and "dances" few little kicks.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kruger's. Kramer is examining Mr. Kruger.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight...uh indeterminate. Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a photo now for the records. So if you'll stand up please and give me a big smile, oh no no no, not that big. Yeah, that's nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok, so eh, fiber from shirt on the left shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my on that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> How long have you been doing this Dr. Van Nostrand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen moles so big they have their own moles. Freckles that cover two men. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> So, how am I looking? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, so far, so good...(looks at Mr. Kruger's shoulder) yeuye... <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer comes out to talk to George.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, I really owe you one. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, we got a problem. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder. Very suspicious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, tell him you're concerned about it and he should see someone else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, why would I, a Juilliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because, you're not a dermatologist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray that trust. Here's what I wanna do; I think I can get a section... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whoa, whoa, a section?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and he'd hold still... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you're not taking a deli slicer to my boss... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It'll be operative thing, he would barely feel it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! Absolutely Not! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's my medical opinion, that you're making a big mistake. And it's going in my chart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida)) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?! Oh, finally, listen I need someone to come over here right away! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEIGHBOR </b> Turn it off! Turn it off! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am getting a lock smith, alright?! Relax! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEIGHBOR </b> Alright, that's it! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, the address is 78th West... <b> </b> (Electric buzz and lights go off and music stops.) <b> </b><b> NEIGHBOR </b> Oh, oh mama... <b> </b><b> </b> (5A. Jerry and George.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Kramer pulled it off? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yep, and the photo was all fixed and back on his desk, no thanks to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that woman had it coming to her. Look at my neck, it looks like I had a beard of bees! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you see someone about it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've called everyone. You know how hard it is to get a dermatologist in this town? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Points to a page on the book) Squamous cell carcinoma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're not a doctor. You shouldn't even have books like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, that's what he has and I have to give him a call. Now we gotta came clean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't tell him the truth, you're gonna blow the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't want this on my conscience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll get him to see a real doctor. You just stay away from this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, alright... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best parts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to benzene, a common ingredient in metal cleaners. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer cleans the blade with some liquid and a towel.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's weird. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm cleaning my slicer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest! That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van Nostrand! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting to the poison she's giving you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo with you (throws the bottle to Kramer.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ohh, that's toxic. (Jerry throws the towel over Kramer's head.) Ououou.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kruger's office.) <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> George, come in. I'm just going over our annual report...boy did we take it on the chin last year. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message from Dr. Van Nostrand and he says it might be wise to you to see another doctor about that mole. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> I'm not too worried about it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, he said it could be cancer, maybe you should get it checked out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> George, take a look at this photo. This is taken 10 years ago. That mole looks exactly as it does today. So, there's no cause for concern, eh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whatever. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Actually, funny thing about this photo. We were at the beach and there was this dumb looking guy near by. When he went in for a swim, my sons and I took all his stuff and threw it in the ocean! What a pear shaped loser. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, that pear shaped loser was me! And I was in that photo, until I broke in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed myself out of there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Well, I'll be...you have lost a lot of hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's what they tell me! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, George and Kramer are waiting for the lock smith at the hallway of Elaine's apartment. Kramer is feeding Elaine under the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you want more pastrami? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, what was that last thing you gave me? That was pretty good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you after all you did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love that place. Hey, have you seen other dermatologist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian. He said it was really bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did he give you for it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aloe. So where's that lock smith? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have to give him time on this hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can I have a zip? (Sticks a straw out from keyhole.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, coming up... <b> </b><b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Slicer Script

1997-11-20

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BETRAYAL </b> Written by Peter Mehlman &amp; David Mandel <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Coffee shop. George, Elaine, and Jerry enter with suitcases. Elaine has a large bandage on her nose. They all sit down at a booth. All three of them are tired, fed up, and angered) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, Elaine, are you going to sleep with me or what?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Aggravated) George, I just got off a twenty-three hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when you're rested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I hope so. For your sake! <b> </b> (Kramer comes in and sits down at the booth with them) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George) I said I was sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Nauseated at the saying) Would you please stop saying that?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Confused) What's up with you two? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want to talk about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Jerry) So how was the big trip? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want to talk about it! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Observing Elaine's bandaged nose) Well, what happened to your nose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't want to talk ab-ow!-t it! (She winces under the pain from her nose on the word 'about') <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you gotta give me something! Come on, how was the wedding? Was the bride radiant? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She.. was. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Interested) Ooohh.. That sounds juicy. Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom, but I want to hear all about it. (Gets up and heads for the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were in India. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> India) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE DAY EARLIER" People storm out of a building. All are dressed in wedding apparel) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> That's it! The wedding's off. <b> </b><b> PINTER </b> What? But, Sue Ellen- <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> (Cutting him off. To Elaine) Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with MY Pinter?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no! It was years ago - before you met him. And, and I got to tell you.. it was very mechanical. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> I have never been so humiliated! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is all yoru fault! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him! His fault! He betrayed me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) George, I'm sorry.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Confused) I don't know what that means. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To his girlfriend) Alright, Nina, you have to decide right now. Jerry or me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> (Casually) Alright.. Neither. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What?! Well, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> A free trip to India. And by the way, you can take off those boots. Everyone knows you're five' six. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Five' eight! Five' seven! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they are?! We're - we're still best friends, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> No. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's nose) And take that stupid thing out of your nose! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine screams in pain as Sue Ellen pulls the stud out) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's got to hurt, I don't care where you're from! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Whispering to Jerry) What time is our flight back? I got to go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> A building in India) <b> </b><b> </b> "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" The bride, Sue Ellen, and the Groom, Pinter, are walking down the aisle. Elaine is scattering flowers behind them. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> walks in and takes a seat) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Whispering to Jerry) Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened last night? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you were pretty loaded. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Gesturing to her nose stud) I know. I woke up with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. Hello, Tetanus. <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Nina and George entering the wedding hall) <b> </b><b> NINA </b> George, I've used the bathroom. It's fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk it off. It's a hundred and twenty degrees in here.. I'll sweat it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Seeing George, she walks over to greet him) Hey. (Looking at his shoes) Are those Timberlands painted black? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks tward the bride and groom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front of Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there. (Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry. (Obviously angered at Jerry) I <b> </b><b> </b> believe you know Nina. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (As George sits down) George, we need to talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Trying to keep his voice down) I think you've done a lot more than talk! You betrayed me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina, but that's all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Outraged) "That's all"?! That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for anyway! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) I'm really sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Confused) Where'd you get that one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's an expression. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (From the front of the room, she can hear George and Jerry's heated discussion) Hey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then shakes her head - apologizing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to <b> </b><b> </b> punish you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Losing it) Funny guy! <b> </b> (Elaine casually makes her way to Jerry and George) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best friend is trying to get married up here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, you have to sleep with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Reparations! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina slept with (Points to Jerry) him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ancient history. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Loud, so everyone at the wedding can hear) You slept with the groom?! <b> </b><b> </b> (Everyone goes silent. George and Elaine both look sheepishly. All eyes on them, expecially Sue Ellen) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> New York street) <b> </b><b> </b> "FOUR HOURS EARLIER" Kramer is standing up against a brick wall. All the sudden, he's pegged straight in the face with a snowball. He winces from <b> </b><b> </b> the pain and coldness, then walks up to his friend FDR - the one who threw the snowball at him. He hugs him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, thank you, FDR! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Kramer and FDR are both holding a wishbone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, FDR.. This wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish - I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred percent <b> </b><b> </b> anti-drop-dead protection. Forever. <b> </b><b> FDR </b> Alright. <b> </b> (They each pull, it breaks. FDR won) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, man! Well, then, come on. There's got to be something that'll change your mind, FDR. Something.." (FDR lifts up a cooler, and puts it on the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> What, you want my kidney? (FDR is smiling wickedly as he pulls a snowball out of the cooler) Mama!.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's room in India) <b> </b><b> </b> "THE NIGHT BEFORE, BACK IN INDIA" Elaine is obviously drunk) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George knows that you slept with Nina. That's why he was acting so weird. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did he find out? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He schnapped me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know you're not supposed to drink whil you're keeping a secret! (Elaine laughs) Is there anything else? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't tell you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. (Takes a drink) I slept with the groom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pinter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He used to be called Peter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Making nothing of it) So? Who cares about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAIEN </b> Sue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off the whole wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings. (Elaine, at this point, has climbed onto the couch and is squirming around - she now has her backside to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Alright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up. <b> </b> (Elaine climbs onto Jerry's back) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Carrying her out, piggy-back style) No, what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Between laughs) Jugdish. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, jugdish. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (While sliding off Jerry onto the hallway floor) Hey, what if I got my nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think it's a fine idea. Well, good night. (Shuts the door) <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine peers through the blinds on Jerry's door) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Sticking her fingers through the blinds - waving at him) G'night, Jugdish. (Laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's room, India) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Jerry hands Elaine a glass of Schnapps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bless you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you.. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's room, India) <b> </b><b> </b> "THREE SECONDS EARLIER" Jerry's pouring Elaine a glass of Schnapps. Elaine sneezes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> New York park) <b> </b><b> </b> "TWO HOURS EARLIER, NEW YORK" Kramer is with hot-dog vender FDR) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, guess what, FDR? I made a wish on a shooting star last night, and I wished against your wish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FDR </b> That's funny. As it happens, I saw the same shooting star and double-wished you to drop dead. (Hands Kramer some coins) Here's your change. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer walks over, and throws his coins in a nearby fountain) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'm triple-wishing! Yep! <b> </b><b> FDR </b> (Throwing four coins into the fountain) Then I'm quadruple-wishing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright.. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) How do you like this? (Blows it away) Ya! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FDR </b> I like it a lot. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) Ow! (Blows it away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Tears out another eyelash) Ah! (Blows it away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FDR </b> (Doing the same) Oh! (Blows it away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and FDR get into a frenzy - both ripping out their eyelashes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Indian Airport) <b> </b><b> </b><b> "THREE HOURS EARLIER, BACK IN INDIA" </b> Elaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are all at the airport) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What's that smell? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking around) I think it's the stench of death. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughing nervously) No.. I'm gonna wear black shoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAIEN </b> (Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport) Oh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here I am with a buch of my idiot friends! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Giddy) This is gonna be great! <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> (Walking up to the group) Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy to see you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Confused by her reaction) You are? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Well, of course! No one else was even willing to come to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAIEN </b> Come on, Sue Ellen. You don't wear a bra, you're tall.. we hate each other! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Elaine, I know. I know we've had our problems, but.. I want you to be my maid of honor - and my best friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Toying with the idea) Huh.. alright. I guess. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Uh, this is my fiance, Pinter. (To Pinter) Say hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PINTER </b> (Walking up to them) Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Recognizing him) Peter? <b> </b><b> SUE ELLEN </b> Uh, no. It's Pinter. Does anyone want to use the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no. No. We're good. Let's get goin'. Alright. (Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it, funny man. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, have you noticed George was acting strage the whole flight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Acting equilly strange) No. What? Like what? What? Strange.. No. I.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket) Uh-huh. Hey, look what they had on the plane. Schnapps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ooohh. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry/Kramer's apartment building) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "THE NIGHT BEFORE, NEW YORK" Kramer is on the roof of his apartment building looking up at the stars) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAME </b> Come on.. Come on. Yes! (Sees a falling star) There's one! (Yelling out) I wish I don't drop dead!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> (Off-screen) Hey, shut up up there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You shut up! <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Aw, drop dead! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Airplane) <b> </b><b> </b><b> "FIVE HOURS EARLIER, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN </b> NEW YORK AND INDIA" Elaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are on the plane - India-bound. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George walks up to Jerry's seat) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Coach to India - The only way to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at Jerry) Good one. Very funny. You're very funny, Jerry. That's what I always tell people. (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> a funny guy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You all right? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course I'm all right. I'm here with my girl. Nina. And what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend.. with whom there are no <b> </b><b> </b> secrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the fourth grade. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you up in the fourth grade? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Yelling out to the whole coach) Funny guy! (Points to Jerry) Right here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Nina and Elaine) <b> </b><b> NINA </b> By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did ya? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh please.. It's in the vault. <b> </b> (Camera stays on Elaine and Nina as we hear George yelling from the front of the plane) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ho, ho! Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE DAY EARLIER" Elaine and George are at Monks. Elaine is drunk) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Watch this. (Puts the bottle of Schnapps in her mouth, flips her head up, drinking it, then puts it back down with her teeth. She is effected by that last <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DRINK </b> ) Oh.. God.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, Jerry and Nina, huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Mmm.. (Scoots up close to George) I'm not gonna tell you any more things.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But you already told me everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okey-dokey. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Newman's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER") </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I mean, we had a deal, Newman. And you were supposed to give my your birthday wish. And now you've wated it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (With a gorgeous woman sitting on his lap) Did I? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Newman, I'm bored. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Aww.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Does your girlfriend have to be here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Suggesting Jerry) Does yours? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just hanging out in this hell-hole because of George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, come on, Newman. Now you gotta help me! What am I gonna do about FDR? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Why don't you just make another wish? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And how am I gonna do that, Toots? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What about a shooting star? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Interested) That's perfect.. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Kissing the woman) Beauty.. and brains. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on. You know he's a postman, don't ya? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" George enters Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Handing George a ticket) Here. You're going to India with us tomarrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For how long? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Three days. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great. (Hugs Jerry) Jerry, I gotta tell you, I had the best time with that Nina last night. I - I think I'm in love with her already. You are a great friend. <b> A </b><b> </b><b> </b> great, great friend. <b> </b> (Kramer leaves his apartment, entering the hallway) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to change the subject away from Nina) Hey, Kramer, what are you doing? You want to borrow something? You want to eat something? Come on <b> </b><b> </b> in! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Shrugging Jerry off) Nah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want to go to India? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't. (Complaining) I'm gonna drop dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great! Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this is great. You and Elaine. Me and Nina.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (As Kramer is walking in the direction of Newman's apartment) Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm goin' to Newman's! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Eagerly following Kramer) Great, I love Newman! (They both leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Asking Elaine) Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nina? Nina? No. Psshhh.. Not weird. No. Nina. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why do you keep saying Nina? <b> </b><b> ELAIEN </b> I don't know. Nina. Nina! (Feeling she's said to much, she goes to leave) I'm gonna go grab a bite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uhh.. I'll meet you down there. (Elaine leaves. George instantly goes looking through Jerry's cabinet) Cereal, cereal.. (Picks up a bottle) Peach schnapps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> NYC Street) <b> </b><b> </b><b> "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER") </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Knocking on a port-a-potty door) Come on, Lomez! We're gonna be late for the movie. <b> </b><b> </b> (Newman, with the woman he wished for, are riding in his car. He stops at a stop light - right next to Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (To his new girlfriend) You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily cerified. <b> </b><b> </b> WOMAN; I could listed to you talk about mail all day. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anything you wish.. I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless! (Laughs evilly, driving away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wish?! Newman! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Newman's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE DAY EARLIER" It's Newman's birthday party. His house is full of Postal co-workers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALL </b> (Singing to Newman) ..And you smell like one, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POSTMAN </b> Make a wish, Newman! We've gotta get back to work in three hours! <b> </b><b> </b> (Newman inhales, ready to blow the candles out. Kramer rushes in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman, wait! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Sputtering loudly) Kramer! I'm with people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I did invite you.. Your invitation must've.. gotten lost in the mail. <b> </b><b> </b> (All postal workers burst out with laughter) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Newman, I need your wish to protect me from FDR. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Refusing, Standing up) Can't do it. I'm on an unbelievable birthday-wish hot streak! My last five birthday wishes came true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on! Look, I'll give you my next birthday wish, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Negotiating) Your next.. fifty wishes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Forty-eight. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Fourty-nine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Done! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN AND KRAMER </b> (Toghether) Sucker.. <b> </b> (Newman sits back down to his cake, where his co-workers are about to slice it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright, alright, back, savages. Back! I haven't made my wish yet.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Newman starts to inhale again. This time, he sees a magazine on the table - on the cover is a beautiful woman. Then blows out the candles) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE DAY EARLIER" Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, this Mischke mish-mash is just gettin' worse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I talked with the groom's parents.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ..And it's so obvious that they don't want.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ..me to go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, the only reason.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ..she sent me an invitation was that so I'd send her a gift. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> (From Jerry's room) Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee grinder is nice. Or a coffee maker. Everyone likes coffee. Anything to do with coffee. Maybe you should go get <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> some coffee. <b> </b> (Nina enters the living room - sees Elaine) <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Oh. Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> (Getting ready to leave) Oh, I should.. um.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Bye-bye. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who else ya got back there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You slept with Nina? What are you gonna tell George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. And neither will you. George can never know about this.. It'll crush him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in the vault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No good. Too many people know the combination. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Confused) What combination? (Jerry makes the "drinky-drinky" sign with his hands) Don't be rediculous. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry opens one of his kitchen drawers) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god. This drawer is filled with Fruit Loops! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And milk. <b> </b> (Scene cuts to "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" Kramer is in Jerry's kitchen. He spills his milk and cereal on the counter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, geez.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (From outside the apartment) Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer quickly opens a drawer and sweeps his mess into it with his arm) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Pinter's parent's house) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Elaine is at Pinter's parents house) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Ranawat? <b> </b><b> ZUBIN </b> Please, call us Usha and Zubin. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Well, Usha.. <b> </b><b> ZUBIN </b> I'm Zubin. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Shrugging it off) Anyway, your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> USHA </b> You're not going to the wedding, are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well.. <b> </b><b> USHA </b> Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ZUBIN </b> You know, it's the only country that still has the plague? I mean, the plague! Please! <b> </b><b> </b><b> USHA </b> Here's the registry. Send her a gift, and be glad you did not have to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Soaking it in) Right. Don't go. Send a gift. I think I understand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ZUBIN </b> If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Leaving) That's fantastic. <b> </b><b> ZUBIN </b> And I'm not so crazy about Manhattan, either. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" Jerry and Nina are in the kitchen) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Oh, you were going to tell me all about George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, just remember when you see him tomarrow night to tell him that the waiter liked him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Believe me. You know, I forgot how much fun it is hanging out with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> I know. You know, we never had a bad conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. No awkward pauses. Probably the reason we never fooled around.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Heh.. yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Probably the reason.. <b> </b> (They both stare at eachother, then, Jerry clears of the counter with the sweep of his arm, Nina hops onto the counter, and they start going at it) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> FDR's apartment building) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE DAY EARLIER" Kramer is standing outside FDR's door, talking to FDR. He is finishing what was once a large lollipop) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FDR </b> Are - are you dense? I said I wanted you to drop dead. Now.. drop dead! (Slams the door in Kramer's face) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Walking away) I knew it.. Stupid Jerry.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" at Jerry's apartment. Jerry's at his door, talking with Kramer. Kramer's lollipop is slightly bigger) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I know what I'm talking about. There's no way FDR wants you to drop dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But you haven't seen.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just go back and ask him again. (Slams the door on Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah.. (Heads for FDR's) <b> </b> (Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" at FDR's apartment. Kramer and FDR are talking at the door. Kramer's lollipop, of course, is larger than the scene <b> </b><b> </b> before) <b> </b><b> FDR </b> That's right. My birthday wish was for you to drop dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why? <b> </b><b> FDR </b> (Sinister) I have my reasons. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Woah, wait, wait, wait. If you make a birthday wish out loud, it doesn't come true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FDR </b> That's just a silly superstition. (Slams his door on Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" Kramer comes into Jerry's apartment with a huge lollipop) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> FDR? </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To George) Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. (Resumes telling the story) I go to his birthday part, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives <b> </b><b> </b> me this look.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Guessing the look) Stink eye? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Also guessing) Crook eye? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Entroducing yet another type of look to the boys) EVIL eye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcasticly joking off what George said) Everyday is my birthday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, I can't have this hanging over my head. It's bad mojo. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine opens the door, hitting Kramer) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b> (Kramer, still wheezing from the door, leaves) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail. An invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Not the point. The wedding is in one week. I got this (Holds up invitation) today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you think it's a non-vite? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's an un-vitation! (Notices George is a few inches higher) Hey, are you gettin' taller? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Showing Elaine his boots) Timberlands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. (Looking at the invitation) Hey, look at this. 'Pinter Ranawat'.. I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, it's probably like Smith over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, would you make the call already? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What call? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Picks up the phone, dialing Nina) He wants me to set him up with this girl, Nina Stengal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Remembers Jerry's talking about her) Oh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat bitter tward Jerry) The one you think can replace me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was kidding when I said that! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Elaine) Told me the same thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You-you sure you never slept with her? (Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend, George? Quite a guy, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Rubbing his stomach) Ooh.. Something's not sitting right.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> </b> "ONE HOUR EARLIER" George is ordering his meal) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll have the clam casino. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get outta here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Showing Jerry the menu) "Chef recommends" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Motioning tward waitress) I think she likes me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is there a problem with her? Is she a man? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what's the reason? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We were too compatible.. Our conversations were so engrossing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How engrossing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't, huh, have a replacement lined up for me, do ya? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry snickers, then stares at George, smiling) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the trasition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses.. I need an awkward pause. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.. Wait a minute, Nina just saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have to wwear them every time I see her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> In any othe shoe, I lose two inches. I - I can't have a drop down. We were eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> In every situation. No matter how silly I look. (Tastes his meal) Hm.. tastes a little funky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sure it's fine. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> FDR's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" A group of people are singing to FDR) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALL </b> ..to you! <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Come on, make a wish! Make a wish! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! <b> </b> (FDR eyes Kramer evilly, blows out his candles, then gives Kramer the same look. Kramer reacts nervously) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> NYC Street) <b> </b><b> </b> "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" Jerry and George are walking down the street. The opening credits start to show) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, this is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new Timberlands? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two inches in these babies! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Five' eight. Five' seven. <b> </b> (Jerry passes Nina, an old girlfriend) <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nina? <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's been years! <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Introducing the two) George, this is Nina. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Nice to meet you, too. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's apartment building) <b> </b><b> </b> "THREE HOURS EARLIER" Elaine's at her mailbox) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Reading an invitation) India? Yeah, right. (Sarcastic) I'm goin' to India.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> </b> "TWO YEARS EARLIER" Jerry is sitting at a booth with Nina) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> And they call it the World Wide Web. You can e-mail anyone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Ah, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> It's great talkin' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves. To himself) What the hell is e-mail? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Susan enter and sit with Jerry) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How as the date? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretty good. I think she might be the one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whooo.. (To a waitress taking orders) Ooh.. French fries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ah, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Changing is order for Susan) Baked, uh, potato. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> yeah, you stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer runs into Monk's with a snowball) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin' tight! (Puts the snowball on the table, then drips water from Jerry's cup onto it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you bringing snowballs in here for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice and hard.. and when you throw it - Pop! Oh look, (Looks out the Monk's windows) there's my friend, FDR. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great! (Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball) <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Pinter (Peter) enter Monk's, and are greeted) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Elaine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Turning around and leaving with Pinter) Hey, let's go someplace else, Okay, Peter? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's new apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> "ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER" Jerry, carrying a box, is moving in to his apartment for the first time. He meets his across-the-hall neighbor, Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, how you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer - You must be Kessler. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, you need any help, or..? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You want some of it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, no, no, no. I couldn't impose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours. (And with that, Jerry made the most fatal mistake of his life) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Eyeing Jerry's empty apartment) Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Betrayal Script

1997-12-11

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE APOLOGY </b> Written by Jennifer Crittenden <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY, </b> Any second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready. <b> MELISSA, </b> Oh, fantastic! I'm starving. <b> JERRY, </b> How about that. <b> MELISSA, </b> Mmm-hmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She ate breakfast naked? <b> JERRY </b> She didn't even want a napkin. <b> GEORGE </b> I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked... I have never had living-room naked. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's a scene. <b> GEORGE </b> It's like you're livin' in the Playboy Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic? <b> JERRY </b> I don't really have enough room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE, </b> Yeah. Hey, Lainie, Puddy. <b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> PUDDY </b> Hi. <b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> PUDDY, </b> I got to make a pit stop. <b> ELAINE, </b> 'Kay. <b> JERRY </b> Back together? <b> ELAINE </b> His apartment was being fumigated, so we thought we'd give it another shot. <b> JERRY </b> Ah... <b> ELAINE </b> So guess who called me last night? Jason Hanke. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He called to apologize for standing me up five years ago. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why now? <b> ELAINE </b> A.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps. Step number Nine is you have to <b> </b> apologize to anyone you've ever wronged. <b> GEORGE </b> Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Still with the neck hole? <b> GEORGE </b> Still upset. Very upset. <b> ELAINE </b> What neck hole? <b> GEORGE </b> Remember that New Year's party he threw a few years ago? He had that <b> </b> very drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue. <b> GEORGE </b> I asked if I could borrow a sweater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A cashmere sweater. <b> GEORGE </b> I said preferably cashmere, for warmth. So in front of the whole <b> </b> party, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole.' <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it 'cause of <b> </b> your neck? <b> JERRY </b> No, I think the head does most of the stretching. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Regardless. I had to walk around for the rest of the party in some <b> </b> cheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time. <b> ELAINE </b> I really think it's the size of your neck. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's my head! <b> ELAINE </b> Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> PEGGY </b> Hey. <b> ELAINE </b> Isn't this great? With those nerds in accounting moved, you and I <b> </b> are the only ones who use this bathroom. (Elaine is surprised to see Peggy get a seat protector for the toilet) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to <b> </b> hop in the shower. <b> JERRY </b> That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Showering. How long does it take you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ten minutes. <b> KRAMER, </b> Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ten minutes. <b> KRAMER </b> Let me smell you. <b> ELAINE </b> All right. Whiff away. <b> KRAMER, </b> Uh... that's not bad at all. <b> ELAINE, </b> Hup! That's it. <b> KRAMER, </b><b> OK. </b> <b> ELAINE </b> So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today, and I see Peggy <b> </b> using a seat protector. <b> JERRY </b> So? <b> ELAINE </b> So... we're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're like <b> </b> roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate? <b> </b><b> JERRY, </b><b> I </b> think the damage is probably already done. <b> JERRY, </b> All right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE, </b> Yeah, you're probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mmm. <b> KRAMER </b> Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes. Get <b> </b> wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- focus! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY, </b> Zephyr? That is not a word. <b> MELISSA </b> Do you challenge? <b> JERRY </b> No, I do not challenge. <b> MELISSA </b> 66 points. Ha ha. <b> JERRY </b> I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't know where you'd hide the <b> </b> tiles. <b> MELISSA </b> You want some more ice tea? <b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> MELISSA, </b> Wrong pipe. <b> </b><b> GEORGE, </b> So she coughed. <b> JERRY </b> Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Everything goes with naked. <b> JERRY </b> When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly <b> </b> spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his <b> </b> stomach in slow motion. <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I <b> </b> expend just trying to picture women naked? <b> JERRY </b> But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad <b> </b> naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, there's Hanke. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. It's grovel time. <b> HANKE </b> Hey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just got sober, so I've been going <b> </b> through the Twelve Steps. <b> GEORGE </b> What are you up to now, uh, Step Nine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HANKE </b> Yeah. Making amends. <b> GEORGE </b> Important step. Maybe the most important. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HANKE </b> Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb, but, you know, when <b> </b> we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may even have <b> </b> called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you noticed, but I <b> </b> always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry. <b> JERRY </b> Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate you rectifying it. <b> </b><b> HANKE </b> (eyeing George, who's looking expectedly up at him): Great. Great. <b> </b> Well, I'll see you guys later. <b> </b><b> KRAMER, </b> Well, I just got out of a 27-minute <b> </b><b> </b> shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. Yeah, I <b> </b> think what I kept is even stronger now. <b> JERRY, </b> You got some suds over here. <b> KRAMER, </b> Wha...? Oh, man! Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me what I'm doing <b> </b> wrong. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on! <b> KRAMER </b> No, I mean it, man. I'm lost! <b> JERRY </b> You promise you'll never come in here again? <b> </b><b> KRAMER, </b> Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY, </b> Now my sense of it is that you're probably <b> </b><b> </b> wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's how cats do it. <b> JERRY </b> But, when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use <b> </b> gravity. <b> KRAMER </b> OK. Let's turn the water on now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I told you, it's just a dry run. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE, </b> Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten. He <b> </b> was spotted taking personal inventory. <b> JERRY </b> That's Step Ten? <b> GEORGE </b> All he has to do now is count his blessings, say a prayer, and he's <b> </b> done. Do you believe this? <b> KRAMER </b> Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy swimsuit? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, this has all been one big tease! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE, </b> These proofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this will work. <b> </b><b> PEGGY, </b> I'm... gonna get another bottle of water. <b> WALTER, </b> Here, take mine. There's a little left. <b> PEGGY, </b> Oh, thanks, Walter. Ahh! <b> </b><b> HANKE, </b> Guys, there's no doubt that the pay <b> </b><b> </b> is good. But I don't just know if I see myself working with ice cream. <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> You get pretty buff forearms. <b> HANKE </b> I don't know if I'm into that. <b> GEORGE, </b> Oh, hello, Hanke, others. <b> HANKE </b> George. <b> GEORGE </b> You know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't help notice, I... I didn't get my <b> </b><b> </b> apology. <b> HANKE </b> Apology? For what? <b> GEORGE </b> A drafty apartment? A... sweaterless friend? A ball-game giveaway <b> </b> Metlife windbreaker? <b> HANKE </b> George, come on, not that neck hole thing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, the neck hole thing, and I would appreciate it if you would <b> </b> say you're sorry. <b> HANKE </b> No way, you would've completely stretched it out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize. Step Nine! Step Nine. <b> </b><b> HANKE </b> All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. I'm so <b> </b> sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way <b> </b> through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER, </b> Now see, that's smart. Constant motion. Wow. <b> MAN IN SHOWER, </b> Hey! <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you, too. But this guy's really <b> </b> showing me something! <b> KRAMER, </b> You got a steak? <b> JERRY </b> What happened to you? <b> KRAMER </b> Ah, people in this city are crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY, </b> Here ya go. <b> KRAMER, </b> Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you <b> </b><b> </b> got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak. <b> JERRY </b> What? <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, a different one. <b> JERRY, </b> Oh! <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> MELISSA, </b> OK, Jerry. I fixed that bike. <b> JERRY </b> Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for <b> </b> show. <b> MELISSA, </b> I should really clean those bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk. <b> JERRY </b> Please don't crouch. <b> MELISSA </b> Ouch! Caught my skin. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's bad. Especially that area. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> You got anything to snack on? <b> JERRY </b> Uhh... <b> MELISSA, </b> Oh, pickles! Unnhhhh! It's a tough one. <b> JERRY </b> Look, please stop! Let me help you with that! <b> </b><b> MELISSA, </b> Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a welt. <b> </b> Look at that. <b> JERRY, </b> I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've seen too <b> </b> much. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Peggy, we've got to talk. What is it about me that you find so <b> </b> offensive? <b> PEGGY </b> You seem to be with a lot of men. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What!? I happen to have a very steady boyfriend. You know, I mean, <b> </b> we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy here or... or <b> </b> there, but, wh-why is this your business? <b> PEGGY </b> It's not. Good day. Elaine, (leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, <b> </b> right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about some for <b> </b> your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? That's good, <b> </b> isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, technically he did apologize. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch. He was <b> </b> riffing! Riffing! On my pain! <b> JERRY </b> So now you want an apology for the apology, plus the original <b> </b> apology? <b> GEORGE </b> That's right. I'm two in the hole! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full body <b> </b> flex on a pickle jar. <b> GEORGE </b> Did you explain to her about the good naked and the bad naked? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well... what if you showed up bad naked, huh? You still got that <b> </b> belt sander? <b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> GEORGE, </b> Well, you on all fours, that thing <b> </b><b> </b> vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY, </b> Hello? <b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> World War I plane? <b> KRAMER </b> No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, I'm trying to get out of the <b> </b> shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where I want to <b> </b> be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and now I <b> </b> ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew. <b> JERRY </b> When are ya gettin' out? <b> KRAMER </b> I'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, please. <b> PETERMAN </b> She's stuffed up, achy, and suffering from intense malaise. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise. Right? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's in bed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, let me tell you something: this is all in her mind, OK? She is <b> </b> insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed <b> </b> her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, she's a <b> </b> wacko. <b> </b><b> GEORGE, </b> So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SPONSOR </b> Sponsor. <b> GEORGE </b> Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned about this guy. <b> </b><b> SPONSOR </b> He's doing very well. He's already on to Step Ten. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well when you don't actually do the steps, you can go through <b> </b> them pretty quick. You can get through six a day. <b> SPONSOR </b> Is there some unresolved issue between you and Jason? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. A little thing called Step Nine? Instead of an <b> </b> apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me. <b> SPONSOR </b> I'm not sure what you want me to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let him move up! <b> </b> When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three years 'cause <b> </b> I kept losing the Pinewood Derby. <b> SPONSOR </b> You're quite upset, George. <b> GEORGE </b> Well, I think you should drop him down to Step Two. <b> </b><b> SPONSOR </b> Admit there's a higher power? <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, let him chew on that for a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SPONER </b> You know George, I think I can help you. We're having a meeting <b> </b> tomorrow. Why don't you just come by? <b> GEORGE </b> All right. That's more like it. Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> GEORGE, </b> By the way, my uncle was an alcoholic, so... <b> </b><b> KRAMER, </b> Lomez, you're not listenin'. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> likes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's naked. Calm <b> </b> down, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a clog, I'll call <b> </b> ya back. <b> </b><b> MELISSA, </b> What are you doing? <b> JERRY, </b> I found a rough spot on the kitchen <b> </b><b> </b> floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here. <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> No, not that. Why are you naked? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought naked is good. <b> MELISSA, </b> This isn't good naked. <b> </b><b> SPONSOR, </b> George, here, have a seat. <b> GEORGE, </b> Where's Hanke? <b> SPONSOR, </b> Shhhhh. <b> LEADER </b> OK, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics Anonymous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Rate-aholics? <b> SPONSOR </b> George, this can help you. <b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge. <b> </b><b> LEADER </b> Excuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy at these meetings. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead? Am I?! <b> </b><b> LEADER </b> Please don't call me 'Pinhead'. <b> GEORGE </b> I'm losin' it! <b> </b><b> JERRY, </b> He took you to Rage-aholics? Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Probably because this whole Universe is against me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've got a little rage. <b> GEORGE </b> I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This bread has nuts in it! <b> JERRY, </b> Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with <b> </b><b> </b> my body? <b> ELAINE </b> Chicken wing shoulder blades. <b> JERRY </b> That's it? <b> ELAINE </b> No, but that's one problem. Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for a <b> </b> man. <b> GEORGE </b> Why not? It's a good look for a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is <b> </b> utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep. <b> JERRY </b> So you don't think it's attractive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's simian. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, some women like it. <b> ELAINE </b> Hmm. Sickies. <b> </b><b> KRAMER, </b> Installing your Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main drainage lot. <b> </b> Oh, come on, Clarkman. <b> PUDDY, </b> Puddy. <b> KRAMER </b> Is, uh, David Puddy there? <b> PUDDY </b> This is Puddy. <b> KRAMER </b> Well, this is Kramer. <b> PUDDY </b> I know. <b> KRAMER </b> Um, listen, you're a mechanic. Could you help me install a garbage <b> </b> disposal? <b> PUDDY </b> Well, it's a big job. You've got to dismantle the latch hasp from the <b> </b><b> </b> auxiliary drainage line. <b> KRAMER </b> No. It says 'main line'. <b> PUDDY </b> It's a misprint. What do you got, a Clarkman? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. through it. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Puddy. <b> PUDDY </b> Hey, Babe, your boss called. You owe five bucks for a balloon <b> </b> bouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when you see him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Balloon bouquet? For who? <b> PUDDY </b> Peggy took a turn for the worst. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Peggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still blaming me? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> That's what he said. <b> ELAINE </b> I don't believe this woman. <b> PUDDY </b> Talk to me, Babe. <b> ELAINE </b> She's this crazy woman who is convinced that my germs make her sick. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Oh, germ-o-phobe. I know what that's about. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> ELAINE </b> What is this symbol? <b> PUDDY </b> It's a germ. <b> </b><b> PEGGY </b> Elaine, it was very nice of you to bring the man you're currently <b> </b> sleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have any problem <b> </b> with germs. <b> PUDDY </b> Don't you? Elaine. (Elaine slowly creeps up towards Peggy) <b> PUDDY </b> I know it looks bleak. I've been there. Ten years ago waking up in <b> </b> bed next to a woman like this would've sent me running for the Phisohex. <b> </b><b> PEGGY </b> Really? <b> PUDDY </b> I still have trouble looking at those disgusting old bedroom slippers <b> </b> she slogs around in. <b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> They're bacteria traps. <b> PEGGY </b> So you... just learned to live with it? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> For the most part. <b> ELAINE </b> OK, we're broken up for the rest of the day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. Don't you feel this is <b> </b> better? <b> MELISSA </b> This is nice. <b> JERRY </b> Yes, clothes. This is normal. <b> MELISSA </b> Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking that we could go <b> </b> down... (as Melissa continues to talk, Jerry starts imagining her gorgeously naked, <b> </b> and stops paying attention) <b> MELISSA </b> Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry. <b> MELISSA </b> I wanted to know what you're doing tomorrow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, maybe a... <b> </b> (as Jerry continues to talk, Melissa starts imagining him disgustingly, <b> </b><b> </b> 'neanderthalishly' naked, and stops paying attention) <b> </b><b> KRAMER, </b> So you broke up? <b> JERRY </b> We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her <b> </b> naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked. <b> KRAMER </b> Hang on. (Kramer uses his shower garbage disposal to unclog the tub) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you up to? <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy. Hey, how do you <b> </b> make those radish roses? <b> JERRY </b> Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then, to make it bloom, <b> </b> soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes. <b> KRAMER </b> No problem there. <b> </b><b> HANKE, </b> George. Thanks for coming down to talk <b> </b><b> </b> to me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't very <b> </b> flexible. I just started yesterday. <b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm here. What is it? <b> HANKE </b> Well, I talked to my sponsor, and, uh, I've thought it over, and, you <b> </b><b> </b> know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude, and you deserve <b> </b> much better. <b> HANKE </b> You're welcome. <b> KID, </b> Can I get a Triple Minute Man Mint? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HANKE </b> Waffle or sugar cone? <b> GEORGE </b> Uh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't want to get into a big thing <b> </b> here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said was actually an <b> </b> apology. <b> HANKE </b> What? <b> KID </b> Can you get on that cone? <b> HANKE </b> Would you hang on just a second, son? George, what are you talking <b> </b> about? <b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's just, all you said was 'your welcome', which is nice. <b> </b> It's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology. <b> KID </b> Is there anybody else here but you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HANKE </b> I'm alone, and it's my second day. You know, I don't even think we <b> </b> have that flavor so... George, really, enough, ok? You know, I-I admitted I <b> </b> was wrong, so what more do you want from me? <b> GEORGE </b> I would like an apology. <b> HANKE </b> All right, look, you know-- <b> KID #2, </b> Did you try it? <b> KID </b> No, this guy doesn't know what he's doing. <b> </b><b> HANKE </b> Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do. OK? I'm interacting with someone here, if <b> </b> you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry. <b> GEORGE </b> Baah! There it is! You just said it! That's what I want! Now say it <b> </b> again, and tell it to me. <b> HANKE </b> I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry. I was never sorry. It <b> </b> was cashmere. I hate Step Nine! Where's that Rum Raisin? Where is it? Can't <b> </b> find anything. I need a drink. Ah, daquiri ice. Here we go. What are you <b> </b> looking at? Get out! Come on, can't you see we're closed?! Get out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE, </b> Mmm. This food is <b> FANTASTIC, PEGGY </b> And what a pretty radish rose, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, thank you. <b> ELAINE </b> Here's to Peggy, on her first week of being germ-free, free. <b> </b> (all four make toast) <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for helping me install a much needed <b> </b> and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub. (all four make another toast) <b> PEGGY </b> You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. Yeah, I made this whole meal in <b> </b> there. <b> ELAINE </b> This food was in the shower with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed. <b> </b><b> </b> (Peggy, Elaine, and Puddy all gag and wretch) <b> PUDDY </b> Oh, germs. Germs. Germs! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks. What are you guys doin' here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer. <b> GEORGE </b> Right. Download Sound <b> </b><b> HANKE, </b> Hi, I'm, uh, Jason. I'm a rage-aholic. <b> AUDIENCE </b> Hi, Jason. <b> HANKE </b> Uh, this is my first meeting. <b> GEORGE </b> Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper! He skips Step Nine! <b> </b><b> HANKE </b> Please. Step Nine. <b> GEORGE </b> That's right! He never apologized to me for saying that I would <b> </b> stretch out the neck hole of his sweater. (audience laughs) <b> GEORGE </b> It wasn't funny. <b> HANKE </b> It was a very nice sweater. Take a look at his neck, not to mention <b> </b> the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him with a v-neck. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm losin' it! <b> </b><b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Apology Script

1997-12-18

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STRIKE </b> Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer &amp; Dan O'Keefe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Tim Whatley's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, sure. Without the parents, it's a breeze. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine laughs, Whatley enters) <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Hey! Happy Chanukah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Tim. Great party. <b> </b> (Tim holds up a mistletoe) <b> </b><b> TIM </b> (Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Shrugging it off) eh. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> (Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> (Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have a standard fake? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm-hmm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man <b> </b><b> </b> wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.) <b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> Hi! <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Jerry talking to the woman) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, I'm Jerry. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Hi. JERRY: You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't I give you my phone number? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Coffee Shop) <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't you call in sick yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing: "We don't care, and it shows." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next <b> </b><b> </b> envelope) Woah, something from Whatley. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See? You give, and you get. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's nice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To a children's charity! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b> (Waitress moves tward the table) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Embarrassed) Free sub. <b> </b> (George lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. It's a card from my dad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's nothing, stop it.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When George was growing up.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Interrupting) Jerry, No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> His father.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pleading) Alright.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do so) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry! Stop it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine is digging into her purse) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you walk out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you wait for the movie! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Martin show! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's a good idea. <b> </b> (Kramer's cordless phone rings, startling him. He digs through his coat, and pulls it out of the pocket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What strike? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, H&amp;H Bagels. That's where I worked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Worked? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bagels? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, H&amp;H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What were your.. demands? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I believe that's the new minimum wage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't you ever mention this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> H&amp;H Bagel Shop) <b> </b> (Kramer walks through the door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, everybody! I'm back! <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Oh yeah! Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> I could use someone for the holidays.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Those are rasin bagels. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Horse Track Betting) <b> </b> (Elaine confronts two unattractive bookies) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOOKIE </b> So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOOKIE </b> (Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> </b> (Co-Worker in the back speaks up) <b> </b><b> CHARLIE </b> Elaine Benes?! <b> </b> (Various other men in the line behind Elaine say the same thing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOOKIE </b> You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHARLIE </b> (faintly) I'm a man. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh.. my.. <b> </b><b> BOOKIE </b> I'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&amp;H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> classy restaurant) <b> </b> (Jerry and Tim Whatley meet) <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Hey, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Tim. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> What's up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Mazel Tov. <b> </b> (Jerry's date, Gwen, arrives. She's completely unattractive) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Jerry.. hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gwen? <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Yeah! Come on, our table is ready. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Tim gives Jerry a face - almost like he feels sorry for Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, attractive one day - not attractive the next? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you come across this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Relating) Like the Batman villain? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Annoyed) If that helps you.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up: The good, the bad, or the ugly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (With pride) Made it up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It has a certain understated stupidity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..Yeah. <b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b> (He is holding a sack full of bagels) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How was your first day? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George stop before they take a bite from their bagels) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your hands were in the dough? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George <b> </b><b> </b> stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test. <b> </b><b> </b> (George spits his bagel out) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Happy Festivus! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's Festivus? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When George was growing up.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Interrupting) No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> His father.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters while George is exiting) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Happy Festivus, Georgie. <b> </b> (George leaves yelling out "God!") <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&amp;H and he's looking for me, you take a message. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're still trying to gget that free sub? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is there a captain's hat involved in this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> H&amp;H Bagel Shop) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, just tell me everything, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> there had to be another way! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happened to the doll? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That musta been some kind of doll. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> She was. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Kruger Office Building) <b> </b> (George is in the hallway, dispensing his made-up gifts) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDY </b> (After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off) <b> </b><b> </b> (George passes an open doorway) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Ow! <b> </b> (George meets up with Kruger) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Not if you could see our books.. what's this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Human Fund. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Whatever. (Walks off) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> H&amp;H Bagel Shop) <b> </b> (Frank is still telling Kramer about Festivus) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is there a tree? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello, Frank. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Hello, woman. (leaves) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. (To manager of H&amp;H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But it's Festivus. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> That's not a right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I got to stay here and wait for the call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? You're siding with management?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I just.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Taxi Cab) <b> </b> (Gwen joins Jerry in the cab. She's in her attractive state) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, am I glad to see you. <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> You were expecting someone else? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You never know. <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> (To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian? <b> </b><b> </b> (All the sudden, Gwen is extremely ugly) <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I can go either way. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shocked) You're telling me. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> the Coffee Shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, she was switching? Back and forth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, just bring her here. This is all you really need. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lights out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not a french cuff shirt, you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's classy. <b> </b> (Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Happy Festivus. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that? Is taht the pole?! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sulking) That's why I hate it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating <b> </b><b> </b> Festivus is heard) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Read that poem. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Leave him alone! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength. <b> </b><b> </b> (George has a break down) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> We had some good times. <b> </b> (Gwen walks in, and greets Jerry. She's in her unattractive state) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I there. This is Kramer, and Frank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> So, you ready to go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> looking booth. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> H&amp;H Bagel Shop) <b> </b> (Kramer is picketing out side.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to inside the store) <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> (To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&amp;H, and Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You've been warned. <b> </b> (Elaine looks out the window, and sees Kramer at the pay phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi! (Waves at him) <b> </b> (Steam starts coming from a pipe on the machine. Elaine hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Hey, the steam valve's broke. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Can we still make bagels? <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Sure. It's just a little steamy. <b> </b> (Kramer knocks on the shop door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! How do you like your bagels now?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (No one inside seems to care. Kramer waits by the door to see if anyone was affected) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Kruger Building) <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> George, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 20 thousand dollars? <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Coffee Shop) <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? It's our place. <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I just found a rubber band in my soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh.. I know who's cooking today! <b> </b> (Enter George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Surprise, surprise! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Georgie! <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I think I'm just gonna go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll be here. <b> </b> (Gwen leaves) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She didn't touch it. <b> </b> (George spoons through his soup, and finds a rubber band) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm serious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going to start your own charity? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Outside H&amp;H Bagels) <b> </b> (Kramer is chanting 'no bagels, no bagels..' Elaine walks out, her make-up is distorted, and her face is pale because of the steam) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, the vest just called. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Gwen walks by, she's in her ugly state) <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Kramer, Hi! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hello. <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah-huh. <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I'm dating your friend, Jerry.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop! He's afraid of getting caught. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, he's a tomcat. <b> </b> (Cut to Elaine) <b> </b> (She meets up with Denim Vest on the street corner) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Steve. <b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> Hmm? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Elaine. <b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> From Tim Whatley's party? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> You look.. different. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> Well, I had it back at my place, but I can't go there now.. I'll give it to you later, or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no. You give me your number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> Okay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts writing a number down) Do you have the mumps? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> Typhoid? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> DENIM VEST </b> (Hands her the paper, and runs off) Yama - Hama! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine looks at the number, and sees it's the same as the number on a nearby truck) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A fake number! Blimey! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Kruger's office) <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, there could be. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> But there isn't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake <b> </b><b> </b> Christmas gift. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Vemonous? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Are you making all this up, too? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Yeah, you probably should. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Costanza's house) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Happy Festivus! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Have you seen the pole, Kruger? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> He's gonna see it. <b> </b> (Enter Jerry and Elaine. Elaine is still ugly from the steam) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Embracing my roots. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They nailed you on the 20 G's? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Busted cold. <b> </b> (Cut to Kruger and Frank) <b> </b> (They're looking at the Festivus pole) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> I find your belief system fascinating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b> (Kramer's with the two bookies from Horse Track Betting) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee! <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOOKIE </b> Hello again, Miss Benes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> BOOKIE </b> Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle! <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle comes through the kitchen door, hitting Kramer as she opens it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Dinner's ready! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Let's begin. <b> </b><b> </b> Dr.. Van Nostrand? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh.. that's right. <b> </b> (Cut to Frank) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear <b> </b><b> </b> about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, God. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says "That's a shame". Gwen walks in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gwen! How'd you know I was here? <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Kramer told me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Another Festivus miracle! <b> </b> (Jerry gives Kramer a death stare. He shuts up. Gwen notices Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break. <b> </b><b> </b> (Gwen leaves, Jerry follows) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOOKIE </b> He had to be shot. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not the feats of strength.. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&amp;H. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you were on strike? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength? <b> </b><b> </b> (Exit Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, please, somebody, stop this! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I think you can take him, Georgie! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, come on! Be sensible. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Stop crying, and fight your father! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> This is the best Festivus ever! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> H&amp;H Bagel Shop) <b> </b> (Kramer is shaping some dough and chewing gum - his gum falls into the dough. He starts looking for the gum, and starts extracting it from the dough. The manger is <b> </b><b> </b> watching) <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Alright. That's enough. You're fired. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Strike Script

1998-01-08

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE DEALERSHIP </b> Written by Steve Koren <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A car dealership) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are looking over some cars) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When are they gonna have the flying cars, already? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, they have been promising that for a while.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think Ed Begley Jr. has one. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. That's just electric. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sarcastic) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what do you think the big holdup is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And the underwater bubble cities? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's like we're living in the '50s here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's bouncing up and down on the rear bumper of one of the cars for sale) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's good suspension! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. (Gestures to a black Saab) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Talking about the vein in George's head) There's that vein again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm starving. We should have had lunch first.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess he graduated. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's an easy move: go from screwin' you behind your back to screwin' you right to your face. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer, in one of the cars, honks the horn) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Puddy's just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptic) You'll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Sudeenly, you're <b> </b><b> </b> on your back like a turnip. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. Calm down. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next thing I know, I'm gettin' dropped of in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the kids are shoutin' at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George! Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker!" <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's now on his back, under a car) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I don't think this thing is hooked up right. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George go to enter the office buildings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Alright, we're goin' in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A salesman walks up to Kramer. He's still under the car) <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> You've got a good eye, there. I see you've noticed the uni-body construction. I'm Rick. Are you looking to buy or lease? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer emerges from under the car) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, borrow. It's for my friend. Yeah, he'll be buying.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> Maybe I should talk to him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I don't think so. No, he's an entertainer. You know, all over the place. That's where I come in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> I see. So, you're his manag- <b> </b> (Kramer hops into the car) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, neighbor. That's right. Yeah, why don't we take this boiler out for a shakedown? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to the insides of the dealership building. Jerry and George are waiting for a salesman to assist them) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, "I'll walk out of here right now!" <b> </b><b> </b> (A salesman approaches) <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Can I help you with something? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Threatening) Hold it! One more step and we're walkin'! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, we're just waiting for David Puddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Still with a tone) He is. You don't know what I'm doin' here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine walks into the showroom with David Puddy) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Sorry I'm late. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah. Where'd you go? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Arby's. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had the roast beef.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Puddy, I decided I'm gonna go with another 900 convertible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Alright. Classic. (Holds his hand up) High-five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Interrupting) David, can you tell me where the Xerox machine is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Oh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room (Points) right there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. (Leaves for the room) <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (To Jerry and George) Hey, come on, guys. I'll show you the 900. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us the 900. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Kramer. He's in the car with the salesman, Rick, and they're driving an unknown street) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> .. And look at these features, Mr. Kramer: Anti-lock breaks, automatic climate control. Uh, (Points out the windshield) make a right at this corner, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Goes back to the features) Adjustable steering wheel, and.. Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No, I didn't. <b> </b><b> RICK </b> Well, that's okay. (Pointing) We'll make this next right, and swing around to get back to the dealership. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Up to something) Well, it's a test drive, right? I never drive around here. If I'm gonna recommend this car, I need to see that it'll handle my daily <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> routine. <b> </b><b> RICK </b> So where are we going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just a little place I like to call, "You'll see". <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Puddy's office) <b> </b> (George and Jerry are in conference with Puddy) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm starving. You got any of those free donuts you use to soften people up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (Pointing out his office door) By the service department. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Getting up, he addresses Jerry) Alright, remember: no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't think it can't happen! (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> I don't care for that term. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. Sorry, I didn't know.. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I saw one once that could do sign language. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Koko. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. (Holds up his hand) High-five. <b> </b><b> </b> (Returning, George sees Jerry reluctantly slap hands with Puddy) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey, hey! What's goin' on here? (To Jerry) You didn't agree to anything, did ya? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. We both just saw the same monkey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on the donuts. There were none left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (Standing up) Well, there's a vending machine. I could show you where it is. (Leaves, showing George the way) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Getting a dollar out) Where's your money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Talking it) I'm here helpin' you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Where's Puddy? The copy machine is broken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That's what they want you to think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought all guys do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on - they're using sign language now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is that bad? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think the Nazis were doin'? (Imitates the Nazi's salute) That was the heil-five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Pointing out) Isn't that from your act, like, ten years ago? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the ‘80's, and it's still relatable today. <b> </b><b> </b> (Puddy approaches them) <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Good news. We got a 900 in black. That's the hot color. (Holds up his hand) High-five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry exchange looks) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, David, you know what? Can you come help me fix the copy machine? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine takes Puddy's arm, leading him to the room) <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership back room) <b> </b> (George is eyeing a Twix candy bar through the vending machine glass) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George put in his dollar, but the machine rejects it. He tries to jam it in, same result. He tries one more time - unsuccessful) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, come on! <b> </b> (A heavy-set mechanic approaches and stands in line behind George to use the vending machine. George steps back to let him use it. The machine readily accepts <b> </b><b> </b> the mechanic's dollar) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, excuse me. Do you have change of a dollar? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> (While retrieving his candy) No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Could I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> (While walking away) Don't have one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Stopping him) Excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet was open, I glanced inside, and I couldn't help but notice that you had several crisp dollar <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> bills. <b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> (Calm) You're incorrect. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Persistent) Perhaps you could look again, please? I'm very hungry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> (While taking his exit) We had donuts earlier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old screwgie, huh?! You're all doin' a hell of a job! (Looks longingly at the Twix in the machine) Ho, <b> </b><b> </b> ho. What I would do with you.. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership car) <b> </b> (Rick and Kramer are still on the test-drive. The back seat is filled with various items - those including a giant, stuffed Tweety bird) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> Mr. Kramer, we're really not allowed to use the cars to run errands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, look, Rick. I'm very close to giving this car, that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. (Looks out the window) Oooh, Let's see if <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) Hey, Ladies! (Points to the car) It's the Saab 900! What do you think? Can I interest you in a little <b> </b><b> </b> supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geeze.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership back room) <b> </b> (Jerry walks up to the vending machine. George is on his stomach, reaching under the vending machine for change) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why don't you just go to the cashier? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George gets up) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The cashier is at lunch - which is where I'd like to be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much was under there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Looking at his finger) I think somethin' bit me. I just need another nickel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands him a nickel) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ho, ho, ho! He's got a live one. He's just reeling his big fish in! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, can I have my dollar back? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Stingy) It's wrinkled. It's worthless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry gives George a look, then leaves. George hurriedly puts the money into the machine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the spindle right before falling. George begins to pound the machine) Come on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jump! <b> </b> (A man holding a donut walks past George) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> They just put out some more donuts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They did? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> (Holding his up) Last one. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership car) <b> </b> (Kramer's still on the road with Rick) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, just one more errand and we can head back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> Actually, it looks like we're gonna need some gas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> (Looking) Well, it's on "E". <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, uh, oftentimes, Jerry - he lend me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons, <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> don't want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> (Pointing out) So, you want to know how far you can drive your friend's car for free. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In the spotlight, his voice goes high) Well, I make it up to him in other ways. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership back room) <b> </b> (George enters with a salesman, regarding the machine) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> As you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains dangling in the machine. (Notices that the Twix slot is completely empty) Hey, it's gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic from before is eating a candy bar) <b> </b><b> </b> What?! That guy's eatin' it! <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Well, how do you know that one's yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine! He must've bought one, and gotten both. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Sir, are you gonna buy a car? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses the mechanic through the door's window) Hey! Hey! I can see you! That is my Twix! (The mechanic eats <b> </b><b> </b> the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered. It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Puddy in the copy room with Elaine. He's trying to fix the Xerox machine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Paper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind his back) On the flip side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> David, um, I.. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (Still holding out his hand) Don't leave me hangin' <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're a salesman now - and the high-five is.. it's very grease monkey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> What did I tell you about that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid. You. Stupid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, that is really mature. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah? So are you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> You're the grease monkey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Confused at David's attempts at a comeback) Uh.. that doesn't make any sense. I am leaving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah, if you leave, we're through. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine! We're through! <b> </b> PUDDY; Oh, so you're leaving? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (While leaving) That's right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin' me to Arby's.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you..? <b> </b><b> </b> (She exits. Puddy sits down at his desk - disturbed) <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Let's finish this up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you two break up? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chick's whacked. We're history. (Back to the transaction) I just left out a couple of things: <b> </b><b> </b> rust-proofing.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Rust-proofing"? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (Reading off what he's adding up on the calculator) Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder's fee <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Finder's fee"? It was on the lot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah, that's right. (Continues reading off) Floor mats, keys.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ‘Keys"?! <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> How ya gonna start it? <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership's shop) <b> </b> (George catches up with the portly mechanic) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling. And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, and you never bothered <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner. <b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh. You must think I'm pretty stupid. That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip! Now, that-that-that is a <b> </b><b> </b> cookie - and we all know Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> Yeah, it's just a little nougat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nougat? Please. I think I've reached the point in my life where I can tell between nougat and cookie. So, let's not just say things that are obvious <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> fabrications. <b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> (Pointing to George's forehead) You know, you're gettin' a little vein there.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I can't believe this guy.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry rushes in with a box of candy) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up, he's treatin' me just like a regular customer, now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There's now laws in this place. Anything goes! It's <b> </b><b> </b> Thunderdome! <b> </b> (A saleswoman approaches them) <b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> Is someone helping you? <b> </b> (Jerry and George quickly avoid her by leaving the room) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stay back! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership car) <b> </b><b> RICK </b> (Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where is it now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's still some overlap between the needle and the slash below the "E". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> How long are you gonna go? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I've been in the slash many times. This is nothing. You'll get used to it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) get it out of your mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> Have you ever been completely below the slash? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I don't know who did it, and I never got to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> thank them.. <b> </b><b> RICK </b> (As the car slowly drifts off the road) Mr. Kramer, the road! <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer swerves around, trying to get back in place) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoop! Whoop! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Puddy's office) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are in conference) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my <b> </b><b> </b> friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard.. ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, Puddy, listen, and listen good: I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George! Can we focus on the car, here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature, here, and we'll get you that yellow car ready to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yellow? I wanted black. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> I can't give you black at that price. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) George, could you help me, please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sing it, sister! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch..! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Exasperated) Uhhh.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Losing it) ..does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or... Lem is not gonna get away with this! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry follows George out the office) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Puddy) I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Okay. <b> </b> (Jerry catches up with George) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, George! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership car) <b> </b> (The needle is now below "E". Rick is looking at it) <b> </b><b> RICK </b> Is it just the angle I'm looking from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, Sir. We are down there. <b> </b><b> RICK </b> Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I've never felt so alive! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, alright. I'm satisfied. We better get some gas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> What? Well, we can't stop now. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> RICK </b> We have to keep going - all the way back to the dealership. That was the plan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There was no plan. <b> </b><b> RICK </b> Well, let's make it the plan! Let's just.. go for it! Like Thelma and Louise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, they drove to a dealership? <b> </b><b> RICK </b> No, they drove off a cliff. <b> </b> (Kramer eyes Rick, frightened) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You are one sick mama.. I like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> Mr. Kramer, the road! <b> </b> (Kramer swerves around again) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yup! Yup! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's apartment) <b> </b> (Phone rings, she answers it) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Over the phone) Elaine, you've got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwin' me on this car, which is yellow now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine flinches with every loud banging noise) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Sarcastic) You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're gonna get back together, anyway. It's thousands of dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I don't know.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Then you don't have to see him again ‘til my 15,000-mile check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, will you pay my cab fare out there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I didn't like that roast beef, so how ‘bout some lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. No lunch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll hang the phone up right now! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright! Lunch! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll see ya. (Hanging up the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody's ripping me off! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to George at the customer complaint window) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd like to report a problem with one of your mechanics. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> When did you bring the car in? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To the man behind him in line) Yeah right.. I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Huh! Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Sir, what, exactly, is the problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix candy bar! <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Are you saying he grabbed the candy bar away from you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He might as well have! I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> I thought you said it was a Twix. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Maybe it was. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> What about the $100,000 bar? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Rice and caramel. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Nougat? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Positive? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please. <b> </b> (A woman appears from behind the window) <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> You know they changed the name from $100,000 bar to 100 Grand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired! <b> </b><b> </b> (An old man sitting in a nearby chair speaks up. He's Willie's father) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE SR </b> I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel. <b> </b><b> </b> (The man behind George speaks up) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> What's the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial! <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE SR </b> Not Skittles. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don't talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (Sitting behind George) You make your father sit here all day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> He likes it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright! Do you mind? I have the window! (To Willie) Now, what are you gonna do about my Twix? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> (In line behind George) Twix has too much coconut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! There's no coconut! <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (Behind service window) I'm allergic to coconut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> I'm not. <b> </b><b> WILLIE SR </b> ..A nickel! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership office showroom) <b> </b> (Elaine enters, and hands Jerry the receipt for her cab) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> I'm with a customer. <b> </b> (Elaine throws up her hands, giving a face of dissatisfaction, and starts to walk away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. What's important is you two getting back together. Eh, then we'll talk about the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (Like a kid) I don't want to get back with her. She's too bossy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why don't we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. Now, look, you both find each <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> other attractive, right? <b> </b><b> ELAINE AND PUDDY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Good point. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Smiling, like a salesman) Alright. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Gas station) <b> </b> (Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? I'll get us a couple of Twix bars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> No, no coconut for me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine running. <b> </b><b> </b> (Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out and reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the pump and scares him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> Ahh! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, man! Not the gas! <b> </b><b> RICK </b> But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you think that this'll make you happy? ‘Cause it won't! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> (Walking away) Ah, you can just go on without me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer grabs him by the collar) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, "Kramer and that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!" <b> </b><b> </b> (The car makes puttering noises) <b> </b><b> RICK </b> Maybe we better get moving. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's good to have you back, Stan. <b> </b> (Both hop into the car) <b> </b><b> RICK </b> It's Rick, by the way. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No time! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership's customer service room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Mr. Costanza, I really don't have time for this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claimed, wouldn't you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a <b> </b><b> </b> candy line-up? <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> "Candy line-up"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers of identification of any kind for him to select from. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> It took you an hour? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you.. the candy line-up. (Opens a door to a back room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars) <b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! They're - they're all on the floor! <b> </b><b> </b> (George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor. He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> No. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey, this Clark bar is good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a Twix! They're all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you've robbed it! You've all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MECHANIC </b> They're all gone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Elaine, Puddy and Jerry, all in conference) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> There's a mental hospital right near here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle: Arby's - no more than once a month. In exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and <b> </b><b> </b> doesn't read a book. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (While looking over the contract Jerry just drew up) Yeah, well, that's not bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> I can live with that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you're back together? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Jerry sees them stare at each other, smiling) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright. Alright, that's enough! Let's get back to my deal. That undercoating, that's just a rip-off, isn't it, David? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Oh, we don't even know what it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, I'm gettin' the insider's deal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Insider's deal. (Holds up his hand) High-five. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry gives a face of resentment) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Dealership car) <b> </b> (Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership) <b> </b><b> RICK </b> (Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There's the dealer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> RICK </b> We did! We pulled it off! I can't believe it! Where's the needle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I - I learned a lot. Things are gonna be different for me now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's a weird thing to say.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> I wonder how much longer we could have lasted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. I wonder.. hmm. <b> </b> (They both eye each other, then Kramer slams on the gas, attempting to go even longer. They both cheer and scream out) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> NYC Cab) <b> </b> (Elaine, George, and Jerry are riding home in a cab) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is nice. What kind of car is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> Caprice Classic. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry) You couldn't just give him one high-five? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And where does it end? Then, everyone's doin' it. It's like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Don't go there." - Someone's gotta take a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stand! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Munching on a hamburger) This Arby's is good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, George, I still don't understand - how was that a setup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And who were you tryin' to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (In the spotlight) I don't know. All of ‘em. They're all crooks! Besides, I couldn't get all different candy bars, anyway. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Rick speed by the cab in the Saab - both screaming and yelling) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think there's a mental hospital near here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Very near. <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Kramer and Rick. Still yelling, they slowly come to a stop) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whew! Well, I think we stopped. <b> </b><b> RICK </b> You - you can probably let go of my hand now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, I'll think about it.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICK </b> Do you have my card? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Dealership Script

1998-01-15

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE REVERSE PEEPHOLE </b> Written by Spike Feresten <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Waitress giving Elaine her meal at Monk's.) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Careful, this plate is extremely hot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine touching the plate. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you. Ow! <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> I just told you it was hot. Why'd you touch it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just wanted to know what your idea of 'hot' is. <b> </b><b> </b> Puddy entering Monk's in a fur coat <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey, babe. You ready to hit the ice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine cracking up when she sees Puddy's coat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am ready to skate up a-- ha, ha, ha...Why are you wearing that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> It's my winter coat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A fur? <b> </b> Puddy sits down in the booth. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Is there a problem? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A seemingly infinite supply. <b> </b> Elaine touching the plate again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ow! Careful, it's hot. <b> </b> Puddy touching the plate. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Ow! <b> </b> Jerry, in his apartment with Elaine and George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Puddy wear's a man fur? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy anymore? This is more about hanging off the arm of an idiot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And this is the first you're seeing of the coat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We never dated in winter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other day, and I saw that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like one month off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're gettin' him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, but we're not buyin' it at Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cheapness is not a sense. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second you walk in, he's got you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the music. I turned that mother out. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters Jerry's apartment with Newman. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got any pliers? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hilarious. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So you can see in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> To prevent an ambush. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But then anyone can just look in and see you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyefull, well, we say, 'Enjoy the show.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second act. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry pulls a stub of paper out of his wallet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, George. Here's the model number on that chair, by the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMERT </b> Mmm... Nice wallet. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Wallet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b> Kramer showing Jerry the contents of his pocket <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of cards and your bankroll. <b> </b><b> </b> See, keep the big bills on the outside. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Silvio coming up behind Kramer <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Eh, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Hey, you know you gotta get permission from me. I'm the super. Who said you could do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, who says I can do any of the things I do in my place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Like what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um, I'll switch it back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> No, no, no, no. No, that's all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman and I-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Newman? He did this, too? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> I deal with him. <b> </b> George showing Jerry a newspaper ad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're gettin' for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Except the store's in Delaware. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll have 'em overnight it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know it is better without this big wallet. It's more comfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b> George pulling out his wallet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because important things go in a case. You got a skull for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for your money. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry holding up a hamburger while holding George's wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. You got more cow here than here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need everything in there. <b> </b> Jerry looking through George's wallet <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Irish money? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I might go there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George grabbing back his wallet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, just gimme that. And gimme some of those Sweet &amp; Lows. <b> </b><b> </b> (Newman walks up to Kramer's door, looks into his reverse peephole, and sees Kramer, wearing an open shirt, scratching his stomach with a backscratcher, with <b> </b><b> </b> opera music playing in the background. Newman knocks on the door, and Kramer startingly peers into his reverse peephole) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's Newman. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you want? I'm in the middle of something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I can't believe I'm being evicted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm an agitator and I'm out of the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No, he can't do that. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the trainyard, eating out of a bucket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, we'll go and talk to him, and we'll straighten this thing out. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer closes his door behind him to go with Newman, when Newman sees that he's still wearing his open shirt) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Uh, you, uh, you better put something on. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, at Joe Mayo's party with George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, I am loving this no wallet thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A man carries a wallet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm onto something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Joe Mayo, coming up to George and Jerry. <b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> Hey, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place. <b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> Thanks. George, can you do me a favor and stay by the phone in case anybody calls and needs directions? <b> </b><b> </b> George tossing his coat on a chair. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Love to. <b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> Thanks. Jerry... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Music? <b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make sure nobody taps on the glass? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I could do that and the music. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> Oh, no, don't worry about the music. Just... have fun! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was ready to get jiggy with it. <b> </b> Elaine entering the party with Puddy who's wearing his fur coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry showcasing his no-wallet look. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Elaine, notice anything different about my... pants? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine eyeing Jerry patheticall, then turning to George. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, George... did you get the chair? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't have it yet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, we're givin' him nothing? <b> </b> George pulling out a picture of the chair. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I brought a picture of the chair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you at least get him a card? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought we'd all sign the picture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Joe Mayo walking up to the gang with an armload of guests' coats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> Elaine... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Joe Mayo. <b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> I need you to be in charge of coats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine being given all the coats and Puddy's fur coat thrown on top. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, fantastic. <b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> And Puddy, can you make sure no one puts a drink on my...sound system? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Sure thing, Joe Mayo. <b> </b> Jerry over by the aquarium talking to a girl. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KERI </b> Nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (talking to George) It's working. (to the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium) Don't tap on the glass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (answering the phone while walking away) Joe Mayo's apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> (standing guard by the stereo as George walks by him) Hey! Cocktail off the speaker. <b> </b><b> </b> (Putting the coats on a bed, Elaine sees the window, opens it, and throws Puddy's coat out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Goodbye, Dr. Zaius. <b> </b> Silvio with his wife, Kramer, and Newman in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Why are we in Jerry's apartment? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I, uh, I like to think of this as my conference room. Yeah, it has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves, and the furniture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Make it quick Kramer, my wife and I are about to go bowling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well, um, Newman thinks that you, uh, evicted him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> I did. I don't like Mr. Newman. He is an agitator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look... I've known Newman all my life, in the building, and you're all wrong about him. He's a model tenant. Portly, yes, but smart as a whip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> OK, on your word he can stay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> But... I'm gonna keep my eye on him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you won't regret it. <b> </b> (Kramer looks up at Newman and he sees him close to kissing Silvio's wife. Silvio, sees the cigar fall right out of Kramer's mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> What's wrong? <b> </b> (Kramer hurriedly picks the cigar up, but puts the wrong end in his mouth, burning his tongue, and quickly replacing it the right way in his mouth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> Elaine, thanks for coming. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good working with you. <b> </b> Puddy coming up to them in his fur coat ready to go. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> All right, let's hit the bricks. <b> </b> Elaine sees Puddy still having a coat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JOE MAYO </b> Hey, I got a coat just like this! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Uhhh... <b> </b> Elaine at Monk's with George and Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So Joe Mayo had the same coat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you threw it out the window? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm-hmm. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> God, you're like a rock star. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because you threw it out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's... insane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you did actually throw his coat out the window. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, somebody stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But that's you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George, taking out his wallet to pay the check. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass. <b> </b><b> </b> George replacing his wallet in his pocket. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look at you. You're on a slant. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here, just give me a couple of napkins. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He pulls some napkins out of the dispenser, puts them in his other back pocket, and becomes un-slanted) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There, there I'm fine. <b> </b> (Suddenly, half of George's body falls with a crunch sound, as he becomes slanty the other way now) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I had some hard candy in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George sees the delivery man bringing the massage chair into his apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe Mayo's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b> George sits down in the chair. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahhh. How does this thing work? <b> </b> George turns the chair on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahhhhh... <b> </b><b> DELIVERY MAN </b> Sir, do you want me to deliver this to your friend's place or not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahhhhh... <b> </b> Keri meeting Jerry on the street. <b> </b><b> KERI </b> Ready to go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KERI </b> You don't go that often? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, because it's so stupid. Shall we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Keri handing him a bunch of miscellaneous items that would seem to normally go in her purse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KERI </b> Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Compact, lipstick, all this? <b> </b> Keri, handing him a gigantic ring of keys. <b> </b><b> KERI </b> And can you help to carry my keys? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry looks at the keys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you, a medieval dungeon master? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Keri, handing him another item as she starts to walk down the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KERI </b> And a tin of altoids. <b> </b> Jerry puts it all in his pocket and then trying to catch up to her <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ow! Sharp key. <b> </b> Kramer walks on the street with Newman <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, there's very little sleeping going on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why didn't you tell me about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Quite frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's my business now. Look, I stuck up for you. Man, if he catches you, we're both out. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman stops under a tree on the street and looking up into it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey, what is that up that tree? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give me a boost. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer boosting Newman into the tree. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Man, where did you learn to climb trees like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> The Pacific Northwest. <b> </b> Elaine with Jerry at his apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet, and I want to keep that weight off. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine making a bowl of cereal. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not more of that crap from the Titanic? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. No. It's a small men's carryall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not carrying a purse. <b> </b> Elaine sits down at the table to eat her cereal. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not a purse. It's European. <b> </b> Jerry sits down with Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry dialing his phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not chippin' in on a gift, too. <b> </b><b> </b> George answering his phone, while still using the massage chair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's in... transit. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did he get it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm, good. Tell him I'm out. <b> </b> George (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, right? We'll split it three ways. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Allllll right! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that noise? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters Jerry's apartment and handing Jerry back his pliers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your pliers back....Weak hinge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I guess I better go and price fur coats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're free. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, they're hanging from the trees. You know, Newman found one there yesterday. Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed lemur! <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine pushing Kramer in her 'get-out!' style. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was that pop sound? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I had some hard candy in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman enters Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine taking his coat and then throwing it on the floor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come in, come in. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ahh! This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted to talk to you about something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> This isn't about my opening your mail? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Because I don't, never have, anything I read was already open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard that you found a fur coat in a tree. And, I believe that it belongs to a friend of mine, and I'd like to give it back to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Sorry. Climbers, keepers. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you feel about me, and I have to tell you, I'm quite flattered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You are? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, it's-it's interesting work, I don't mind it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha ha ha ha. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh, burly, athletic type? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, don't worry, he's cool. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Cool? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Very cool. So, what do you say? Can you do this one little favor, Newmie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, how I've waited for this moment. But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife, and I have given the coat to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, we're done here. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> For I am in love with Svetlana, and I don't care if the whole world knows, except for Silvio, who would throw me out of the apartment, where I would be <b> </b><b> </b> dancing on the sidewalk-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. <b> </b><b> </b> Keri putting her things into Jerry's carryal. <b> </b><b> KERIL </b> Nice carryall. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's European. <b> </b><b> KERI </b> Do you still have my lipstick? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here. Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? So what was your job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KERI </b> My job was to keep you away from the music. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, he doesn't like my taste in music? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KERI </b> Guess not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it! <b> </b><b> </b> Silvio, running up and knocking on Kramer's door. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Kramer! It's Silvio! Open up, I need to talk to you! I can see you through the reverse peephole. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Silvio! <b> </b> Silvio holding up a fur coat. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Look at this. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Svetlana says she find it in the laundry room, but I think it is a gift from that postman agitator. Where is he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Relax, Silvio. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> No, that's it. You're both out of the building! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even give her that! No, that's not even a woman's coat. It's a man's! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> A man's? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> What kind of a man would wear fur? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, lots of 'em. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Would you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Then who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about Jerry? <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Yes, you are right. It's all about, me, me, me. Please, look at me! I am so pretty! Love me! Want me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, something like that. <b> </b> Jerry in his apartment with Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to do what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not wearing the fur. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that right? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman, too? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that walkman you're always asking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's my walkman! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And you'll get it back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. Good, thanks, I owe you one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, did you get that chair yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop ridin' me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. He's not gettin' a gift from me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I can't believe you're dropping out, too. So now Kramer and I have to pay for the entire gift? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's the guy we're the buying the chair for, remember? It was your suggestion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think the chair is a fantastic gift idea. But I never heard of this Joe Mayo. And frankly, it sounds made up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you don't have to buy anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I already bought it! I've been lyin' to you for three days, and now you're all screwin' me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your good friend is morbidly obese. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not a purse. It's European! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, Silvio's down there. He's shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper, and you come <b> </b><b> </b> right back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> Kramer puts the coat on Jerry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There you go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do I look? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh.... <b> </b> George pulls down a tab from an ad he sees on the street. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Learn guitar, first lesson free? Huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George puts the stub of paper in his wallet, and tries to close it, everything inside it flies out as the whole wallet explodes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> That is your coat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It sure is. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's true. <b> </b> Kramer giving Jerry his carryal. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you forgot your purse. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, thanks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe this isn't my coat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, you're not fancy! <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> No, he's very fancy! Want me, love me! Shower me with kisses! <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine, coming up to them on the street. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, that's not your coat. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> If that is not his coat, whose coat is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Joe Mayo's coat. <b> </b><b> SILVIO </b> Who's Joe Mayo? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That must be the man that's sleeping with your wife. <b> </b><b> </b> (A pickpocket runs by, taking Jerry's carryall, while everyone yells in surprise) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Officer! Someone took my European carryall! <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> Your what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The...black, leather...thing with a strap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> You mean a purse? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, a purse. I carry a purse! <b> </b> Jerry, on the phone with Elaine putting his things back into his wallet <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He should have had a reverse peephole. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Puddy entering Elaine's apartment in a new bright, multi-colored leather coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Hey, Babe. <b> </b> Elaine hangs up the phone to talk to Puddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> It's my new coat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You ditched the fur? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're gonna wear this all the time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> All signs point to 'Yes!' <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Reverse Peephole Script

1998-01-29

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CARTOON </b> Written by Bruce Eric Kaplan <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're saying UNICEF is a scam? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation. No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! No it's Sally Weaver. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> We see Sally from a distance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No , It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hmmm, Dramatica comedia heh! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. <b> </b><b> </b> It's really depressing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Euh.. We don't go to enough theater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She should just give up. <b> </b> She recognizes them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Heeyyy!... <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my shows. I just came back. Whooo.....I'm on my way to an audition... still waiting for that big break. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you just give up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer!!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. <b> </b><b> </b> All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us? <b> </b> Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So......Susan's dead..... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Monk's <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think she was happy someone finally said it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why'd you have to say anything to her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> 'felt that the conversation was lagging. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your <b> </b><b> </b> place. <b> </b> Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you wanna be? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't remember , but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get <b> </b><b> </b> this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't either. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And you're on the fringe of the humor business. <b> </b><b> </b> George comes in <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! George look at this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's cute. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No , never mind. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on , We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in <b> </b><b> </b> an office. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading your E-mail". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner . <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's a page number. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well , I can't crack this one. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aahh! this has got to be a mistake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> try shaking it...(long pause) Well ,Janet should be here any minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aah! the minute I saw this girl , we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her <b> </b><b> </b> mouth, nose <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We know what a face consists of. <b> </b> Janet arrives <b> </b> Janet; I'm sorry I'm late. <b> </b> George; Jerry , Elaine, I give you.. Janet. <b> </b><b> JANET </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b> Janet; Do we still have time to make the movie? <b> </b> George; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy. <b> </b><b> </b> George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl ,they leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry , She looks exactly like you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She does not. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> To Jerry's place , Kramer is already there making himself a lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. <b> </b><b> </b> and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot , she's quitting the business, you ruined her life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What! You're the one who ruined her life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well that's not how she remembers it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well , I got to talk her out of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer; I thought you said she stinks <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the <b> </b><b> </b> traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry. <b> </b><b> </b> Door buzzer rings <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! George and Janet. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aahh...Who's Janet? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George's girlfriend , Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say ,kookie talk. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena Horne. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALL </b> Hey, Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And you must....look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!! <b> </b><b> </b> this is eerie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer , what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry <b> </b><b> </b><b> JANET </b> well maybe we do look a little like each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No..hummm , What do you know about what you look like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> George; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye. <b> </b><b> JANET </b> We just got here George <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well,,, it's getting dark. <b> </b> They leave. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry slaps him in the back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his <b> </b><b> </b> girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well how should I have "broached the subject" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well sounds like someone's having a bad day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! Because of you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I think one of us should leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to Monks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sally ,you can't quit the business. This is all because of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> (nods) Hehumm!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? <b> </b><b> </b> When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink , You suck. We like magic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course , I stink , you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right , I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with <b> </b><b> </b> everybody else. <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Right! , Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> NOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to Jerry's place , evening. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why <b> </b><b> </b> no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! I think we're at the bottom. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to George who just came in) Hey! George , Janet looks very nice and she's quite a handsome <b> </b><b> </b> woman. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. What does that mean? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) What do you mean by that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Enjoy. ( she leaves) <b> </b> Jerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No.... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why would I... <b> </b> Jerry; It's ludicrous.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For either one of us.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No... <b> </b> Jerry; So... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not gay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...neither am I. <b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Kramer, Kramer , get in here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's the crazy man , Come on up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on in here. <b> </b> AS Kramer steps out and comes in <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Haaaaaa!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's happening? What, you doing , come and talk to us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've made an important life decision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lets talk about that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't leave (George slams the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life <b> </b><b> </b> you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the decision? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm never gonna talk again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do I need to talk for.. ha! , For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of <b> </b><b> </b> some girl and his best friend. <b> </b> See now , I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Silence YES!! <b> </b> Jerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying "What are you talking about, twice and then some crying) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what does this mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (frantic by now) SHUT UP ,SHUT UP , SHUT UP,...(then leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's the idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer there's no way you stick to this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! you just startin' now? <b> </b> Kramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now. <b> </b> Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer Ouch!!..........Now!! <b> </b> Next day at the New Yorker <b> </b><b> MR. ELINOFF </b> So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier ,people <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. I..I really do....Well I love this one <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine shows him the cartoon <b> </b><b> MR. ELINOFF </b> Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab at inter office politics don't you think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that the animals enjoy reading the email? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ELINOFF </b> Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm.. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is suppose to be funny? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ELINOFF </b> Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores. (slides the magazine to her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back to him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ELINOFF </b> It's a slice of life. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No it isn't. <b> </b><b> MR. ELINOFF </b> Pun? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don,t think so. <b> </b><b> MR ELINOFF </b> Vorshtein? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR ELINOFF </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then why did you print it. <b> </b><b> MR. ELINOFF </b> I liked the kitty. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears <b> </b><b> </b> at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're doing comedy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ELINOFF </b> Actually that's not bad.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre <b> </b> Jerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me ,oKay , a tear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah! There you are.( Kramer motions silence) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry; Aw.. right , code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Applause, Sally starts her show <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me <b> </b><b> </b> It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally , You stink , You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns , a tail and hooks instead of feet. ( big laughs from the <b> </b><b> </b> audience and Kramer is cracking up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!! <b> </b> Next day at Jerry's <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good luck , It's sold out for the next three weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The New Yorker? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes , The New Yorker , I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon <b> </b><b> </b><b> ...MADE NO SENSE.... </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nodding off... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I do to. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What , your sad little horsies , the house with the little curl of smoke , the sunflower with the smiley <b> </b><b> </b> face. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you see that? Those are private!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to Monks, same day <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Jerry , sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No ,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b> is the devil. <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Well...That is the title. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll think... <b> </b><b> </b> It's all a journey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater) <b> </b><b> </b> Newman shyly approaches the table <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Excuse me Miss Weaver , OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What a surprise. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Aahh! You're great ,It's great , It's so great to see a show that's (looks at Jerry) about something. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer climbs into a cab <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Where to? <b> </b> Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the cab. <b> </b><b> </b> Evening at Janet's apt. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (we hear him think) My friends are idiots , she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody. <b> </b><b> </b> And so what if does look like Jerry ,what does that mean?. That I could have everything I have with Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And that somehow that would be exactly <b> </b><b> </b> what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> You know I really do look like your friend Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know.... <b> </b> Back to Jerry's <b> </b><b> TV ANNOUNCER </b> Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weavers One woman show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing <b> </b><b> </b> your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and <b> </b><b> </b> he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting , you know, Hands Across America. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get Out of my House!!. <b> </b> Elaine walks in the door looking terrible <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That is not the point. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> some mouthwash , a hat , something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just read it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (glances at it) Pretty good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> It's funny. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a pig at a complain department. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I get it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a stye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Everything with you has to be so .. jokey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a comedian. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks , The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their <b> </b><b> </b> next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally <b> </b><b> </b> Weaver. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this. <b> </b><b> </b> Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet of paper that he gives to Elaine to read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The pig says "my wife is a slut." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally , yeah this is Jerry ,I just wanted to leave you a message that I <b> </b><b> </b> caught your little piece on TV and.. <b> </b> Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message that Jerry left on her message. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave <b> </b><b> </b> me out of your act all together. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (from the back of the club , leaving) That's it I'm calling in the big guns. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer. <b> </b><b> </b> Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a <b> </b><b> </b> cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. <b> </b><b> </b> ( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on her door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't it? ( Dugan shrugs) <b> </b><b> </b> Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can I fix that after lunch sir? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh! no right away , chop, chop........Oh! a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller (hearty laugh) <b> </b><b> </b> I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and he leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is funny and you want to know why? <b> </b><b> </b> 'Cause I wrote it. <b> </b><b> DUGAN </b> You shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> Peterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized why I like this cartoon so much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Do tell sir? <b> </b> Peterman It's a Ziggy! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A Ziggy? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> That irreverence , that wit I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and <b> </b><b> </b> passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine , to my archives. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> In a restaurant later that evening. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know , you know what's great about our relationship?...It's not about looks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANET </b> It's not? <b> </b> George; No , Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met , we had a great conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JANET </b> I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ....But after that we really talked didn't we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JANET </b> Well ,you told me how familiar I looked and that you must have seen me somewhere before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very <b> </b><b> </b> serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened? <b> </b><b> JANET </b> You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JANET </b> I like gum. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JANET </b> I have gum in my hair. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm losin' it <b> </b> Back to Monks <b> </b> Sally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy , mind if I sit. My show is going really well. <b> </b><b> </b> Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know what? I got recognized the other day, <b> </b><b> </b> How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but it's like Whoa!! take three steps back , <b> </b><b> </b> Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean. <b> </b><b> </b> But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman , Sally Weaver the artist , Sally Weaver the person... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Well , lay it on me string bean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom. <b> </b><b> JANET </b> Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready for bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> OK Look , the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else...anything..please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANET </b> George. <b> </b> George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and a jerry like blue shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your hair? <b> </b><b> JANET </b> Well I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble getting it even. So why don't you get undressed <b> </b><b> </b> George. ( George speeds out the door) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George is in big trouble.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's the next day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ripped off a Ziggy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It must've seeped up my subconscious , Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." <b> </b><b> </b> ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real. <b> </b> Kramer comes in <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on ( Kramer turns around to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this , now she's got nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALLY </b> (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right sister. Why don't you just give up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why are you yelling at the TV? <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine , have you been talking to her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha... <b> </b><b> SALLY </b> Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his <b> </b><b> </b> neighbor not to tell anyone? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking?? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...All right ..Starting now...... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Credits <b> </b> Epilogue at Monks <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> like that (looking at Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean like.. ( points to his hair) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George; ..That. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you don't... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nooo... <b> </b> Jerry; So... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmmmm... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We...must never ever speak of this again.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No , no......(long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off (starts to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think that's for the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Cartoon Script

1998-02-05

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STRONG BOX </b> Written by Dan O'Keefe &amp; Billy Kimball <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George, drinking tea in his apartment with his girlfriend. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I-I've given this a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break up. <b> </b><b> MAURA </b> No. <b> MAURA </b> We're not breaking up. <b> MAURA </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She said no. <b> JERRY </b> What did you do? <b> GEORGE </b> What could I do? We fooled around and went to a movie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, both parties don't have to consent to a breakup. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your arguments. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I don't really like her. <b> JERRY </b> That's good. <b> GEORGE </b> I don't find her attractive. <b> JERRY </b> Solid. <b> GEORGE </b> I'd like to sleep with a lot of other women. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Always popular. <b> GEORGE </b> Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food. 'Oh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are so good.' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have an airtight case. <b> GEORGE </b> And in bed-- <b> JERRY </b> I'm afraid we're out of time. <b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> JERRY </b> Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he actually wore in the movie Cinderfella. I got 'em at an auction. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You already have an in. You have the same first name. Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that'll intrigue him. <b> GEORGE </b> Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George Peppard has been dead for years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team. <b> </b><b> </b> based on the method of execution? <b> ELAINE </b> Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for something hot and spicy. You know, thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection, feels like pasta. You know, painless, don't want anything to heavy. <b> </b><b> GLENN </b> So, um, why don't we get together some time? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, sure. Why don't you give me your number? <b> </b><b> GLENN </b> I think it'd be better if I called you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime. Do-do you work around here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GLENN </b> Mmmm... no, not really. <b> ELAINE </b> So, is there anything you can tell me about yourself? <b> </b><b> GLENN </b> I think you're very beautiful. <b> ELAINE, LAUGHING </b> Oh, ha ha. That'll do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks. I think it might be over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what's this guy about? <b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked. I'll be he's in a relationship. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity. Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Which one is he? <b> JERRY </b> Green suit, power ring. <b> ELAINE </b> I don't care for jewellery on men. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment carrying a large box. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. It happened again. Another robbery in the building. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you bought a cooler? <b> KRAMER </b> It's a strongbox to protect my irreplacables. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And... what would those be? <b> KRAMER </b> Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations. My Tony, my... military discharge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You were in the Army? <b> KRAMER </b> Briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key. Because if somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Literally. <b> KRAMER </b> 'Literally'? What's that supposed to mean? You mind if I hide this somewhere? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, go ahead. <b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on! <b> KRAMER </b> Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue. Boy, you wouldn't last a day in the Army. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's classified. <b> JERRY </b> Kramer? <b> ELAINE </b> No, the Green Lantern. <b> KRAMER </b><b> OK! </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't know. I may never marry. It might be the closest I get. <b> </b> (Jerry, getting a spoon out of his silverware drawer, accidentally stumbles on the key, and holds it up for Kramer to see) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You peeked! <b> JERRY </b> This is your hiding place?! <b> KRAMER </b> It was under a spoon! <b> </b> officially broken up. Thank you, and good night. <b> MAURA </b> No, George, we're not. <b> GEORGE </b> But I proved it! <b> MAURA </b> I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like launching <b> </b> missiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key. <b> </b><b> MAURA </b> I'm sorry, George, I can't do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> involved? <b> GLENN </b> Well, I might ask you the same thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE, IN HER MIND </b> That's true, maybe he's not married. <b> </b><b> </b> (Glenn gives her a flower) <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that is so sweet. <b> ELAINE, IN HER MIND </b> How long do I have to hold this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who is it? me show you a short cut. Come on. <b> ELAINE, IN HER MIND </b> Married. That's it, I'm chucking the flower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You didn't hear me buzzing? <b> JERRY </b> Oh, I guess it's broken. <b> ELAINE </b> Throw down your key. <b> JERRY </b> It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll catch it! <b> JERRY </b> You'll chicken out at the last second. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you're right. <b> ELAINE </b> All right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody <b> </b> comes out? <b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> JERRY, AFTER A PAUSE </b> Hey, you know what's weird? <b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> JERRY </b> I used to be able to have a huge meal, go right to sleep. But I can't <b> </b> anymore. <b> ELAINE </b> Nodding off! <b> ELAINE </b> Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife <b> </b> with me. <b> ELAINE </b> I'm hungry. Can you throw something down? <b> </b><b> </b> are you doin'? <b> JERRY </b> You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that <b> </b><b> </b> I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta know <b> </b> everything about it. You're so obsessed with me. <b> KRAMER </b> What are you doing with her? <b> KRAMER </b> Security issue! in. guy. <b> JERRY </b> So, he's definitely married, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah... <b> JERRY </b> Boy, I would've loved to have been there when you told him off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm... <b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on! <b> ELAINE </b> Well, he could be a superhero! You should've seen him run. <b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry go back inside Jerry's apartment) <b> KRAMER </b> All right, Jerry. Let's see if you can get it in your head that this <b> </b><b> </b> is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement. (George tries to whistle to get Jerry's attention) <b> JERRY </b> George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down! <b> </b> Jerry, putting on his coat to go downstairs, when he finds the key in his <b> </b><b> COAT POCKET </b> I believe this belongs to you. <b> KRAMER </b> Heyyyy! <b> </b> Jerry, opening the ground floor door for George, and seeing him eating a <b> </b><b> GRANOLA BAR </b> Where did you get that? <b> GEORGE </b> I bought it. <b> PHIL </b> What? <b> JERRY </b> There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in. <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> But, I live here. I ran out to get some birdseed, and-and I forgot my <b> </b><b> </b> key. <b> GEORGE </b> Sounds like a scam. <b> JERRY </b> Great, you're lonely and miserable again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Feels right. <b> JERRY </b> Is that guy still there? <b> JERRY </b> Don't look at him. <b> GEORGE </b> Want a bite? <b> JERRY </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE, IN HIS MIND </b> I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke <b> </b> and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this relationship, <b> </b> twice. <b> MAURA </b> George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why does it only seem like I'm the only one working at this breakup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAURA </b> George, I listened to your arguments, and they were rambling and <b> </b> flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get some dinner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. <b> MAURA </b> Eww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> little... love nest? <b> GLENN </b> It's nothing special, just a little place I keep. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> GLENN </b> Ah, should I light a fire? <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that sounds romantic. the heat. Uh, I got some cardboard out here. <b> ELAINE, IN HER MIND </b> This is wrong. I should go. <b> GLENN, FROM OUTSIDE </b> Can you get that, please? <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, sure. (Elaine gasps when she opens the door, seeing the woman from the street that <b> </b> Glenn had avoided earlier) <b> LADY </b> Where's Glenn? <b> ELAINE </b> You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry. You know, I'm <b> </b> not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero. I swear. <b> </b><b> LADY </b> Lady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare caseworker. Is he home? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is his home? <b> LADY </b> Yes. <b> ELAINE </b> So, he's... <b> LADY </b> Poor. will burn! <b> </b> Jerry, getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and seeing Phil get <b> </b><b> IN WITH HIM </b> So you do live here. <b> PHIL </b> Yeah. (going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Yeah. Jerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from <b> </b><b> KRAMER'S </b> So you live right... there. <b> PHIL </b> Yeah. <b> JERRY </b> So I guess I'll see-- (Phil, going into his apartment, slams the door behind him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> doesn't have a phone. He's not married. He's poor. <b> JERRY </b> Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels, with the <b> </b> straps? <b> ELAINE </b> He probably busted it up and burned it for heat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How can I end it over money? I feel bad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other <b> </b> situation? <b> ELAINE </b> Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage <b> </b> cans. <b> JERRY </b> Good. How did you handle that? <b> ELAINE </b> Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley <b> </b> across the street. <b> JERRY </b> Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I am not paying Glenn off to get out of this relationship. <b> </b> Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand him... well, <b> </b> how much do you think it would be? <b> JERRY </b> Hey, where have you been? <b> GEORGE </b> Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable to break up beyond a <b> </b> reasonable doubt. <b> ELAINE </b> If only he could have been cheating on his wife, you know, things <b> </b> would have been so much simpler. <b> GEORGE </b> Who's this, Blue Arrow? <b> ELAINE </b> Green Lantern. <b> JERRY </b> We found out his super power was lack of money. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. <b> JERRY </b> He's invulnerable to creditors. <b> ELAINE </b> We get it. <b> JERRY </b> He's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you. <b> JERRY </b> Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan. <b> </b><b> ELAINE, LEAVING </b> Well crafted. <b> GEORGE </b> Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair. <b> </b> George, now on the same side as the booth of Jerry, with Elaine's side <b> </b><b> VACANT </b> She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break <b> </b> under the cross. I actually have to do it. <b> JERRY </b> Could you move over there? (George reluctantly switches sides, so they're facing each other) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a <b> </b> crush on me. <b> JERRY </b> Really? How come you never pursued her before? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's too tan. It's the middle of the winter, she's like a carrot. <b> </b><b> JERRY, TO ELAINE </b> He can wipe out his checking account in a single bound! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, as he's entering his apartment to see Kramer there, disturbs some <b> </b> sort of bird in the hallway, which makes a squawking noise) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> JERRY </b> There's a giant parrot in the hallway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Phil's. <b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> KRAMER </b> Our neighbor that you turned against. Anyway, I told him it'd be <b> </b> fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What'd ya tell him that for? <b> KRAMER </b> Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been <b> </b> tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his <b> </b> place. <b> JERRY </b> Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the <b> </b><b> </b> couch? <b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at <b> </b> Phil's <b> JERRY </b> He let you? <b> KRAMER </b> No, he doesn't know. So, uh, Phil won't be compulsively looking for <b> </b> it like some people. You! (going out into the hallway, Kramer is apparently attacked by the parrot, <b> </b> because it starts squawking loudly, and Kramer runs back inside Jerry's place) <b> </b><b> </b> say you've been in the city all winter? <b> LORETTA </b> I was in Maine for a couple days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well... here we are. <b> LORETTA </b> George, I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ho ho! <b> LORETTA </b> But... I don't want to spoil things by sleeping with you too soon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam. <b> </b><b> LORETTA </b> I want to build something with you, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, not more building. <b> LORETTA </b> And I won't take no for an answer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No? <b> LORETTA </b> No. <b> </b><b> GLENN </b> It's a surprise. <b> ELAINE, GIGGLING </b> Oh. (a nearby door opens, and a cook throws a garbage bag out into a trash can; <b> </b> Glenn immediately goes for the bag) <b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? What is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GLENN </b> It's a bag of donuts. <b> ELAINE </b> It's garbage. the old ones come out right here. your last name? idea how rare this is. <b> ELAINE </b> I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout two hundred bucks? Two-fifty? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Make it three hundred. the garbage can of my life. (the cook comes out again, dumping a bucket of water out in the alley, and <b> </b> splashing Elaine and Glenn, but they're too wrapped up with each other to <b> </b> notice) <b> </b> Jerry, at Phil's door, which is answered by a woman wearing cleaning gloves <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Phil... hi. I-I know we kind of got off to a bad start. But your <b> </b> bird, which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> And? <b> JERRY </b> I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there. <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> That's my wife. <b> </b> relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a <b> </b> woman who won't have sex with you. <b> GEORGE </b> This isn't going well. <b> JERRY </b> I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in! <b> </b> name. Jerry! <b> JERRY </b> Where are you goin'? Help me look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a <b> </b> staged reading of Godspell with the other. <b> JERRY </b> Which is with who? <b> GEORGE, LEAVING </b> It doesn't matter. clean up nice. <b> JERRY </b> I can't go until I find my cufflinks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of <b> </b> your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox. <b> JERRY </b> You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please? <b> </b> pick up the key. (in the hall, Jerry and Kramer see Phil and his wife, both crying, going into <b> </b> their apartment) <b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what's going on? <b> PHIL </b> Fredo is dead. <b> JERRY </b> That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator? <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> No! my bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Phil. Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned! Something in his <b> </b><b> </b> food. <b> JERRY </b> But I, I didn't-- (Phil slams the door on Jerry, and Kramer) <b> JERRY </b> Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! And who buries a bird? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the <b> </b> incinerator. <b> JERRY </b> Just get the key and let's get out here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in <b> </b><b> </b> Fredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence. <b> JERRY </b> Kramer!? <b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> JERRY </b> You killed Fredo! <b> KRAMER </b> Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't've eaten that key. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the <b> </b> key is in the bird. What are we gonna do? <b> KRAMER </b> You just answered your own question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. <b> </b> odd choices. <b> LORETTA </b> What? <b> GEORGE </b> I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maura. Oh, my God! What are you doing here?! <b> </b><b> MAURA </b> You told me to meet you here for lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAURA, TO LORETTA </b> I'm Maura. <b> LORETTA, TO MAURA </b> I'm Loretta. You want to join us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend, and my <b> </b> torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three <b> </b> lives. Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so... <b> </b><b> MAURA </b> George, what we have is too important. We can work through this. <b> </b><b> LORETTA </b> So can we. <b> GEORGE </b> What? So, this is still not over? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAURA </b> No. <b> GEORGE </b> You? <b> LORETTA </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood, so you won't have to burn 'em. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who is this? <b> ALLISON </b> His wife. <b> ELAINE </b> You're poor and married? <b> GLENN </b> Looks like it. <b> ALLISON </b> Who the hell are you? <b> ELAINE </b> I guess I'm Lois Loan. <b> </b> robbers. like that on my tombstone. God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up. <b> KRAMER </b> All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go <b> </b> check it out. (as Jerry starts to dig, Kramer, still in his tux, walks off, trips over a <b> </b> tombstone, and tries to appear dignified again) <b> </b> Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace. <b> </b><b> </b> now let's cut him open! <b> 'MRS. PHIL' </b> Oh! <b> JERRY </b> Hey, neighbor. <b> </b> gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each. <b> GEORGE, TO ELAINE </b> What do you think? <b> ELAINE </b> Give me forty, you'll never see me again. <b> </b> (Elaine flips her tongue at George, who rolls his eyes away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE, TO JERRY </b> So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are <b> </b> you gonna move out, or what? <b> JERRY </b> Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Well, would you look at that. Guess I forgot to lock it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for something? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry? Really one for the books. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Strong Box Script

1998-02-26

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE WIZARD </b> Written by Steve Lookner <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Keep it real! <b> GEORGE </b> Let's get nuts! China is an instant page-turner? <b> JERRY </b> It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida <b> </b> for his birthday. <b> GEORGE </b> How much was it? <b> JERRY </b> Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the <b> </b> gift. He gets excited about the deal. <b> GEORGE </b> Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's <b> </b> his favorite. <b> GEORGE </b> I got a message from the Rosses at work today. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda <b> </b> felt that they blamed me for Susan's death. <b> JERRY </b> Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly. <b> </b> people I know. Jerry, George. <b> DARRYL </b> Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run, Elaine. I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> OK. </b> <b> JERRY </b> Still no Puddy? <b> ELAINE </b> Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, <b> </b> what do you think? <b> JERRY </b> What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What black guy? <b> JERRY </b> Darryl. He's black, isn't he? <b> ELAINE </b> He is? <b> GEORGE </b> No, he isn't. <b> JERRY </b> Isn't he, Elaine? <b> ELAINE </b> You think? <b> GEORGE </b> I thought he looked Irish. <b> JERRY </b> What's his last name? <b> ELAINE </b> Nelson. <b> GEORGE </b> That's not Irish. <b> JERRY </b> I think he's black. <b> GEORGE </b> Should we be talkin' about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think it's OK. <b> GEORGE </b> No, it isn't. <b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> GEORGE </b> Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If he's black. <b> ELAINE </b> Is he black? <b> JERRY </b> Does it matter? <b> ELAINE </b> No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, so you need to know? <b> ELAINE </b> No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Should I take that? (when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly get out lots <b> </b> of money for her tip) <b> </b> George. <b> MRS. ROSS </b> Uh, who? <b> GEORGE </b> George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no speak. <b> </b> woman to buy more. <b> MRS. ROSS </b> Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this <b> </b> weekend. <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons, and I have got <b> </b> to get out there this weekend and sign the papers. <b> MRS. ROSS </b> Thank you for calling, George. <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta <b> </b> go. <b> JERRY </b> House in the Hamptons? <b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, I've been lyin' about my income for a few years. I <b> </b> figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> KRAMER </b> Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. What are we celebrating? <b> KRAMER </b> Uh, you remember my coffee table book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> With the little legs? <b> KRAMER </b> That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How are they gonna make that book into a movie? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You remember that photo book on toy ray guns? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> KRAMER </b> Independence Day? <b> GEORGE </b> Oh. <b> JERRY </b> How much are they payin' you? <b> KRAMER </b> Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. <b> </b> A long while. <b> JERRY </b> That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long <b> </b> while. <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm <b> </b> retiring. <b> JERRY </b> From what? <b> KRAMER </b> From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished <b> </b> everything I've set out to do. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I bought myself a little retirement gift. Gold watch. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> Ooh! <b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's not really gold. <b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> Aww. <b> </b> (approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music being played, <b> </b> and smiles knowingly) <b> DARRYL </b> Hey. <b> ELAINE </b> Great music. <b> DARRYL </b> Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that stuff twenty four hours a day. <b> </b> I hate it. <b> DARRYL </b> Yo, you! Turn it down! <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have any cultural significance? <b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> They're... African. <b> ELAINE </b> Right. African. <b> DARRYL </b> Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> South Africa. <b> DARRYL </b> My family used to live there, but, uh, we got out years ago, for <b> </b> obvious reasons. You know how it is. <b> ELAINE </b> Maybe. <b> </b> else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do this. <b> </b> (the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe George not <b> </b> being in the Hamptons, and move on) <b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell ya, if I had one of these things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs <b> </b> all the time. <b> VENDER </b> Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mmm... no. <b> </b> Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha! <b> JERRY </b> It's 5:30 in the morning! <b> HELEN </b> We let you sleep in. birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday. <b> MORTY </b> Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What does that mean? <b> HELEN </b> Leave your father alone. It's his birthday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. <b> </b> You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard <b> </b> organizer. <b> MORTY </b> This looks like too much money. <b> JERRY </b> Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You think it's hot? <b> JERRY </b> Could be. <b> MORTY </b> Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm right here. <b> JERRY </b> And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a <b> </b><b> </b> calculator. <b> MORTY </b> So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the tip? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Helen, we got into restaurants and figure out the tips. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, you're getting your father too excited. <b> </b><b> </b> Hey, buddy. When'd you get here? <b> JERRY </b> Kramer, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How 'bout a <b> </b> feta cheese omelette? <b> KRAMER </b> Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom. <b> JERRY </b> If you feed him, he'll never leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and Egg Beaters? <b> </b><b> KRAMER, IMMATURELY </b> I guess. <b> JERRY </b> I can't believe this. <b> KRAMER </b> I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Darryl situation? <b> GEORGE </b> Actually, I did have a thought. <b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you just ask him? like I really want to know. <b> GEORGE </b> Maybe he's, um... mixed. <b> ELAINE </b> Is that the right word? <b> GEORGE </b> I really don't think we're supposed to be talkin' about this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> GEORGE, STANDING UP </b> I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> ELAINE </b> I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets back. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Oh, you're George's friend. <b> MR. ROSS </b> We saw him in the city this weekend. Uh, what happened to his <b> </b> place in the Hamptons? don't think so. Have a good one. <b> GEORGE </b> Rosses. <b> MR. ROSS </b> George, we were just talking about you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing. But this was one of <b> </b> those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Really? <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I may move out there. it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real! <b> </b> Wizard tip calculator. <b> JERRY </b> Dad, it's got lots of other functions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. <b> </b> (Jerry easily opens it) <b> HELEN </b> Yay! Jerry got it open. <b> MORTY </b> The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill the water. <b> </b> point six six six six cents. <b> MORTY </b> We'll round down. <b> HELEN </b> Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's <b> </b> birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were <b> </b> impeached at the other condo. <b> MORTY </b> I was never impeached! I resigned! <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Even so, the press would bury him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What press? <b> HELEN </b> The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Pinko Commie rag. <b> </b> just got a date with that young aquacise instructor. <b> JERRY </b> She's fifty. <b> OLD MAN </b> You know what he's got? He's got charisma. That's my man. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'll see you guys. <b> OLD MAN </b> Yeah. <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right next to him, <b> </b> staring at his face) <b> MORTY </b> I'll tell you what I'm looking at: the next condo president of Del <b> </b> Boca Vista, Phase Three. <b> KRAMER </b> Hmm. <b> </b> (Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly) <b> DARRYL </b> Wow, it's got so many functions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. First thing is first. Warranty <b> </b> information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball... <b> </b><b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> Well, I don't do that stuff. <b> ELAINE </b> It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Um. Oh, <b> </b><b> HERE'S ONE </b> race. <b> DARRYL </b> Isn't that optional? <b> ELAINE </b> It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business! But they really <b> </b> would like to know. <b> DARRYL </b> All right, I'm... Asian. <b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> DARRYL </b> Just to mess with 'em. <b> ELAINE </b> laughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good one. <b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> Average income, uh... over a hundred thousand. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> DARRYL </b> Does that matter? <b> ELAINE </b> No, but... it is very nice to know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> out Darryl's... you know. bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's all my father's doing. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry to hand him <b> </b> a magazine from the table) <b> JERRY </b> He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power <b> </b> from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE, TO GEORGE </b> He's still down with his folks. <b> GEORGE, TO ELAINE </b> What are you doin' here? <b> ELAINE, TO GEORGE </b> I'm gettin' his mail. <b> GEORGE, TO ELAINE </b> He asked you to get the mail? <b> ELAINE, TO GEORGE </b> Mm-hmm. mail? <b> JERRY </b> George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you <b> </b><b> </b> to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and <b> </b> leak. <b> GEORGE </b> What about the mail? <b> JERRY </b> This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE, HANGING UP </b> All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you <b> </b> have a place in the Hamptons? <b> GEORGE </b> From me. <b> ELAINE </b> What did you say? <b> GEORGE </b> I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, they knew? Those liars! <b> ELAINE </b> But you lied first. <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons, they <b> </b> never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're lying. <b> </b> You call them a liar! <b> ELAINE </b> Like you're a liar! <b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', not over. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting <b> </b> them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks <b> </b> first. <b> ELAINE </b> Haven't you done enough to these people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise <b> </b> Jerry's gaskets. (Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression) <b> </b><b> KRAMER, TO A ROOM </b> Vote for Kramer. I'd like your vote. Thanks. Kramer. <b> OLD WOMAN </b> Will you cut my meat? <b> KRAMER </b> Gladly. <b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> Sure. <b> WAITRESS, TO DARRYL </b> Are you black? Or should I bring some cream. <b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> I'm black. <b> DARRYL, RE-THINKING </b> Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> DARRYL </b> God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial <b> </b> couple. <b> ELAINE </b> Interracial? Us? <b> DARRYL </b> Isn't that unbelievable!? <b> ELAINE </b> Yes, it's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple. <b> </b> That is racism! <b> DARRYL </b> I don't feel like eating. <b> ELAINE </b> Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So... here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Sounds grand. <b> GEORGE </b> Do you have your bathing suits? <b> MR. ROSS </b> It's March. <b> GEORGE </b> Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. <b> </b> Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All <b> </b> right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts! <b> </b> Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take <b> </b> a vitamin. Dad, you look so different. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one... must <b> </b> walk among them. election! <b> KRAMER </b> Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then <b> </b> when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily <b> </b> planner. <b> MORTY </b> Daily what? clubhouse. <b> MORTY </b> Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you realize this is against the <b> </b> rules. <b> KRAMER </b> Well, I couldn't find my shoes. <b> JERRY </b> Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down <b> </b> here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Who wants hot chocolate? <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah! Me. <b> MORTY </b> This is a huge scandal! We need damage control. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wizards! <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the <b> </b> condo board. <b> JERRY </b> Kramer... <b> MORTY </b> There are twenty people on the board. Thank God you can get that <b> </b> deal. <b> KRAMER </b> Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. All right, what do we next, <b> </b> Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds? <b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what about your deal, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I <b> </b> do? <b> KRAMER </b> Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Down here? <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father. <b> </b> bedroom. <b> MRS. ROSS </b> Tell us more. <b> GEORGE </b> You want to hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Another solarium? <b> GEORGE </b> Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses, too? <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> What are their names? <b> GEORGE </b> Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving? <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. We'll buy you a <b> </b> housewarming gift. it up a notch! <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Yeah, I just worked a triple shift. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I hear ya, Sister. <b> WAITRESS </b> Sister? Here he is. See? <b> DARRYL </b> Hi, Elaine. <b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> WAITRESS </b> He's black? <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> DARRYL </b> I'm black? <b> ELAINE </b> Aren't you? <b> WAITRESS, LEAVING </b> I'll give you a couple minutes to decide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> What are you talking about? <b> ELAINE </b> You're black. You said we were an interracial couple. <b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> We are. Because you're Hispanic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am? <b> DARRYL </b> Aren't you? <b> ELAINE </b> No. Why would you think that? <b> DARRYL </b> Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those <b> </b> Spanish restaurants. <b> ELAINE </b> That's because I thought you were black. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think we should be talking about this. <b> </b><b> DARRYL </b> So, what are you? <b> ELAINE </b> I'm white. <b> DARRYL </b> So, we're just a couple of white people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess. <b> DARRYL </b> Oh. <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got <b> </b> this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, <b> </b> he won't be leavin' any tips where he is. <b> JERRY </b> Aw. <b> MORTY </b> Congratulations, Mr. President. <b> KRAMER </b> Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLD MAN </b> Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What are you talking about? <b> OLD MAN </b> It's overtipping. I just left five bucks for a BLT. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLD MAN #2 </b> Mine doesn't have a seven! <b> OLD MAN #3 </b> I'm ruined! <b> MORTY </b> Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You didn't have a deal? <b> JERRY </b> No deal. Not hot. <b> OLD MAN </b> Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> OLD MAN </b> Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair. <b> </b><b> </b> for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York. <b> JERRY </b> Dad, I'm sorry. <b> MORTY </b> You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars on a tip <b> </b> calculator?! <b> JERRY </b> It does other things! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Almost there. <b> MR. ROSS </b> Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your house? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We, uh, we go on foot from here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> All right. <b> GEORGE </b> There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no <b> </b> Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium. <b> MR. ROSS </b> We know. <b> GEORGE </b> Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why <b> </b> didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why? <b> MRS. ROSS </b> We don't like you, George. <b> MR. ROSS </b> And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. <b> MR. ROSS </b> All right! Let's head back. <b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Wizard Script

1998-03-19

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BURNING </b> Written by Jennifer Crittenden <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her last minute <b> </b> instructions. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Alright, be careful with the car, babe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Goodbye? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Two and ten, babe. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Don't peel out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I won't. <b> </b> is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the stations but all <b> </b> of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said unto <b> </b> Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", "Saved!", "Jey-sus!" She turns <b> </b> off the radio. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jesus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Meeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger Industrial Smoothing is <b> </b> heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent <b> </b> check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Works for me. Good thinking, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CO-WORKER 1 </b> Alright, George. <b> </b><b> CO-WORKER 2 </b> Way to go man. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend <b> </b> we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger." <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, let's get real. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CO-WORKER 1 </b> Good one. <b> </b><b> CO-WORKER 2 </b> That was bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And then? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a <b> </b> meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and <b> </b> walk off. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't just leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the way they do it in Vegas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You never played Vegas. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hear things. <b> </b> Elaine enters and has a seat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio <b> </b> were Christian rock stations. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real <b> </b> musicians who think they're so cool and hip. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, he is lazy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, he is dumb. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dumb and lazy, I understand. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell you how you could check. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The <b> </b> old switcheroo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it <b> </b> with the other person's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio <b> </b> did to her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well that's the gist of it! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Quiet! So where is this Sophie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How long have you two been together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE AND GEORGE </b> Nah. <b> </b> Jerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I needed to move a bureau. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Jerry, you got any pepper? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Hey Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should <b> </b> sound like that, something like that. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Aah-choo. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with the fake sneezing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors to <b> </b><b> </b> help the students practice diagnosing. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. It's <b> </b> an easy gig. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do medical schools actually do this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER AND MICKEY </b><b> HUAAHHH!! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think the phone is ringing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER AND MICKEY </b><b> HUAAHHH!! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with <b> </b> that stuff? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mickey, DTs. <b> </b> Kramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Hey. It's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> No, it's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George?? <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got any Ipecac? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did he overdose? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, it's just too much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Office meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> ...And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette <b> </b> Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the size of <b> </b> a softball, and that spells trouble. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a <b> </b> pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Everyone at the meeting breaks out in laughter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight <b> </b><b> </b> everybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes to a group of <b> </b> people, Mickey and Kramer included. <b> </b><b> DR. WEXLER </b> In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and <b> </b> the symptoms you will need to exhibit. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Gonorrhea? You wanna trade? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, <b> </b> delusions, it's got everything. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Howbout you, do you wanna trade? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, what do you got? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> The surgeon left a sponge inside me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good luck with that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you do the rest of the day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And a bit of a tramp if you ask me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello boys. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I did. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And the Christian rock? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, do you have any fishsticks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel <b> </b> misled. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's <b> </b> like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes! <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I got gonorrhea. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That seems about right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's what they gave me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They? The Government? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, he <b> </b><b> </b> got bacterial meningitis. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors. <b> </b><b> </b> The other three start laughing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back <b> </b> row. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the <b> </b> gonorrhea themselves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med students. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STUDENT #1 </b> And are you experiencing any discomfort? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just a little burning during urination. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STUDENT #1 </b> Okay, any other pain? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey) <b> </b> Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes met <b> </b> across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. <b> </b> Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we <b> </b> danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would <b> </b> experience soon afterwards. <b> </b><b> STUDENT #1 </b> Gonorrhea?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Gonorrhea! <b> </b> The lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up the lights and <b> </b> Kramer takes a bow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking his phone <b> </b> messages. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One message. Hope it's not from you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANSWERING MACHINE </b> "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sophie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's still doing that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the <b> </b><b> </b> "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the hell is a gander, anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Hey Raef. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She thinks it's someone named Raef. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good, let her think it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what's going on? <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Not a lot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ask about you, ask about you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, uh, how are things with Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the tractor <b> </b> story. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, right, the tractor story. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I sound funny? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Abort! Abort! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What <b> </b> drives me to take chances like that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That was very real. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So where do you wanna eat? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Feels like an Arby's night. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. So, you're pretty religious? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So is it a problem that I'm not really religious? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Not for me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> I'm not the one going to hell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're <b> </b> dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, she looks completely normal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor <b> </b> accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think she's got toes for thumbs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too <b> </b> firm? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hands a little smelly? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do I seek your counsel? <b> </b> Elaine walks in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I'm going to hell. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That seems about right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> According to Puddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and <b> </b> the doughtnuts and-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not in the mood. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll have some coffee and a doughnut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you care? You don't believe in hell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, but he does. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of <b> </b> your soul. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, relationships are very important to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for <b> </b><b> </b> all eternity. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And a slice of devil's food cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. Where is everyone? <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you are my <b> </b> main man. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am? <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but lately <b> </b> you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and <b> </b> folders. <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's get started. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> George? Check it out. (He begins to spin around in his chair) <b> </b> Three times around, no feet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And? <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> All me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai. <b> </b><b> DR. WEXLER </b> Alright, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, Mr. <b> </b> Kramer, you were excellent. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright I get to wear make-up! <b> </b> What did you get? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had <b> </b> gonorrhea last week. <b> </b><b> DR. WEXLER </b> Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't believe this, I'm being typecast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> I move my knight... here. Check. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe <b> </b> they should change it to a tractor. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the <b> </b> farm. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Bought the farm? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tractor! <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Sophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up, Jerry nods <b> </b> knowingly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A scar? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A tractor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe <b> </b> thumbs. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She doesn't have toe thumbs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for <b> </b> hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with sleep <b> </b> creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he <b> </b> finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around, George <b> </b> sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe this. <b> </b> This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger? Who <b> </b> said he was going to do some actual work today? Who? <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> I'm not too worried about it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I put in <b> </b> your shoebox? <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> Alright, alright I'm going. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe. There's a <b> </b> newspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just <b> </b> grab that one. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> C'mon, get it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well if you want it, you get it. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Sorry, thou shalt not steal. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, but it's ok for me? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> What do you care, you know where you're going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, that is it! I can't live like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> C'mon. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Alright, what did I do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils <b> </b> and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I <b> </b> mean, what do you think about all that? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Gonna be rough. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, you should be trying to save me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should <b> </b> care that I'm going to hell even though I am not. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's right! <b> </b> Elaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised as 'horns' and she <b> </b> emits a gutteral growling sound. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing his part. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for <b> </b> love in a bottle? <b> </b><b> DR. WEXLER </b> Mr. Kramer? You're up. <b> </b> Kramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, we'll see. <b> </b><b> STUDENT #2 </b> So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the <b> </b> only friend I had left. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! (he jumps <b> </b> Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick. <b> </b> They fall to the floor, wrestling. <b> </b><b> STUDENT #2 </b> Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis. <b> </b><b> FATHER CURTIS </b> Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't <b> </b> concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE AND PUDDY </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> FATHER CURTIS </b> Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have <b> </b> difficulty-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER CURTIS </b> You aren't? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're just, you know, having a good time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER CURTIS </b> Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> No way, this is bogus, man! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, thank you father. <b> </b><b> FATHER CURTIS </b> Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talkng <b> </b> to the devil by the coffee machine? <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> I'm really not in the mood, I'm going to hell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in her apartment and <b> </b> Father Curtis joins in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. <b> </b> See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> How could you know? <b> </b> Jerry (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to <b> </b><b> SOPIE'S) </b> Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not <b> </b> gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and <b> </b> meaningful relationship. <b> </b> Kramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...I didn't say that, no. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun <b> </b> with it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey! I'm with someone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Hello. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The <b> </b> important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know? She's right. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a <b> </b> tractor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor <b> </b> story?? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can't get it from that. <b> </b><b> SOPHIE </b> But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor <b> </b> in my bathing suit. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight <b> </b> everybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is working, Mr. <b> </b> Kruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George is <b> </b> percolating. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your <b> </b> name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off and <b> </b> all it says now is K-uger! <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, huh? <b> </b> K-uger! K-uger! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> Thank you George, you've been great. That's <b> </b> it for me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> It's K-uger! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! No! <b> </b><b> MR. KRUGER </b> Goodnight everybody! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Burning Script

1998-04-09

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BOOKSTORE </b> Written by Spike Feresten, Darin Henry &amp; Mark Jaffe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Bookstore) <b> </b> (George and Jerry both enter a bookstore) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a book) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) You better hurry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna hit the head. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles. <b> </b><b> </b> (George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh? Who's Leo? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf. Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did I just see that?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days, huh? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Annual Peterman Party) <b> </b> (Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes up to her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WALTER </b> (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. are you going to dance this year? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe.. All over your face! <b> </b> (A waiter serving food approaches Elaine) <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> If you do dance, the cooks want to know - so they can be brought out of the kitchen. They missed it last year. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to Peterman giving a toast) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and popping sounds. The music <b> </b><b> </b> starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture that they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to get things started. (Grabs a female <b> </b><b> </b> employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down at Elaine's table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ZACH </b> Hi, I'm Zach. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Bookstore) <b> </b> (George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Acting innocent) I'm all set. <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> (Pointing) Did you take that book with you into the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to hear? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Coffee shop) <b> </b> (George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> would be no books. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Cutting him off) Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters and sits down) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sleeping in the caragain? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cocktail flu. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You, uh, didn't dance again, did you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You went home with him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Confused) What's your position? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am an associate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, me too. <b> </b> (A waitress, passing their table, speaks up) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having a conference at his table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, it can. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, who's gonna pull this thing? <b> </b> (Kramer and Newman both look at eachother) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah, but I though- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Brainstorming) What about the homeless? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Can't we worry about them later? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate knowledge of the street.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Coffee shop) <b> </b> (Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth) <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Jerry, hello! (Sits down) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Why didn't ya say hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because you were too busy stealing a book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Oh, they don't care. We all do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who, criminals? <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Senior citizens. No big deal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You could get arrested. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me <b> </b><b> </b> home? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) Leo.. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody answer that damn phone?! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Peterman office building hallway) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WALTER </b> Well.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "Well"? We've been dating for three months. Between you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making out with another co-worker) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WALTER </b> (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't that Zach? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> WALTER </b> Aren't you upset? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> NYC street) <b> </b> (Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close by are three homeless guys in a line) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for are motivated, <b> </b><b> </b> hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, I don't caer where you're <b> </b><b> </b> from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But you will have to be physically fit. <b> </b><b> </b> (One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle) <b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> The government! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned upper body. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt.. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright, who's first? <b> </b> (The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him on the shoulder - dust flies into the air) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRMAER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Name, please. <b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN </b> Rusty. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No offence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what you've got! Ok? Ready, and <b> </b><b> </b> go! <b> </b> (Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good form. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (They both notice that Rusty is not stopping) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what's he doin'? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I think he stealing our rickshaw! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, then, he's out! <b> </b> (Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing in line - alone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOMELESS MAN 2 </b> (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. Potato salad!" <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Bookstore) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return the book) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we can't take this book back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> It's been flagged. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Confused) Flagged? <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> It's been in the bathroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It says that on the computer? <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read! <b> </b><b> </b> (George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo stealing another book) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> shoplifting.. <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GAURD </b> (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm! <b> </b><b> </b> (Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards) <b> </b><b> LEO </b> What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> You're under arrest. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Jerry, you ratted me out?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Hello. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry is on the phone with his parents) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, he won't last a day in prison. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> She's got priors. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Confused) What does that mean? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Nobody pays for everyting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mom, you too? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Newman both enter) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll talk to you later. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman and Kramer both go to leave) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To the Idiotmobile! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> The Coffee shop) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Butting in) Tina Turner? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Accepting) Alright. <b> </b> (George enters with his large art book) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it so horrible to have to keep a book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Stern on George) Not underpants. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, that's your Uncle Leo. <b> </b> (Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello! <b> </b><b> LEO </b> (Bitter) Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George) Now, what is the problem with this book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How much do you want for it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George at the booth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Confused) What is wrong with this book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Simmer! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to the bathroom to wash her hands) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't read in the bathroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, aren't you something? <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's office) <b> </b> (Peterman walks in) <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Confused) Love newton? <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled his head with pseudoerotic <b> </b><b> </b> tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at his side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh- <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Better bring a poncho. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's bedroom) <b> </b> (Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through his head while he's trying to sleep) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It was a crime of passion. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> If anyone betrays me, I never forget. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He won't last a day in prison. <b> </b> (Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison *NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the movie "Cape Fear") <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right, <b> </b><b> </b> yelling out) Answer that damn phone! <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's ringing. He answers it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, it's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nightmares. You? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ZACH </b> (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning up! Elaine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eat your soup! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not feeding him, are you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you, away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits again - this time into the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Scared) Ah! Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought I heard you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get out of here! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Will everybody please leave?! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Our rickshaw? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's entirely possible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want everyone out! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (To Jerry) Good night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Bitter) Good night, Newman. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Park) <b> </b> (Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> There it is! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Rusty! <b> </b><b> RUSTY </b> Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Uh.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after all, it is a conveyance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, that's true. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> So, which one of us is gonna pull? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) One spot, two spot, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Realizing he won) Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEMWAN </b> Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> A homeless charity center) <b> </b> (Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes across Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine about her muffin stumps in <b> </b><b> </b> episode "The Muffin Tops") <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want to donate this to charity? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> What's the value of the book? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain) This book has been in the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's rediculous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough that we have some nut out <b> </b><b> </b> there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we have a deal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I could take it in merchandise.. <b> </b><b> REBECCA </b> (Threatening to hit him) Here I come.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George grabs his book and runs for his life) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Bookstore) <b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking with the cashier while checking out a book) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Elaine) So, the worst is over? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAIEN </b> Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. the Detox Poncho. <b> </b><b> </b> (She's through buying the book, and is ready to go) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Leaving Jerry) See ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> NYC Street) <b> </b> (Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking a rest) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Stretching) Oh.. <b> </b> (The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer! <b> </b> (The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes an attempt to chase it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Woah! Wait! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ahhh! Yaaaahhh! <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street) <b> </b><b> ZACH </b> (Optimistic) Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Waaaaahhhh! <b> </b> (Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street, Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts walking, then running away from the <b> </b><b> </b> crushed rickshaw) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Bookstore) <b> </b> (Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George enter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? What are you doin' here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't sell the book. It's been marked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm goin' in! <b> </b> (George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks up to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Did you want to speak with the manager? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So it could be anyone? <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat - and is trying to act innocent) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm! <b> </b><b> </b> (George is instantly surrounded by guards) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> <b> </b> </pre>>

The Bookstore Script

1998-04-23

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FROGGER </b> Written by Gregg Kavet, Andy Robin, Steve Koren &amp; Dan O'Keefe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. J. PETERMAN LUNCHROOM - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine and several co-workers stand around a table which has a cake sitting on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALL </b> Happy birthday to you. <b> </b><b> WALTER </b> Thanks. <b> </b> Everyone claps. <b> </b><b> FEMALE WORKER </b> Elaine, cake? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, no, thanks. <b> </b><b> FEMALE WORKER </b> It's Walter's special day. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, there are 200 people who work in this office. Every day is somebody's special day. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine takes a piece of cake and makes her way to the door, but is stopped as a male worker carrying a cake enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MALE WORKER </b> Elaine! Where're you going? It's Walter's last day. We have to celebrate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's his birthday and it's his last day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MALE WORKER </b> This is other-Walter, from returns. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Other-Walter enters followed by more co-workers. <b> </b><b> OTHER-WALTER </b> Hey, what's going on here? <b> </b><b> ALL </b> Surprise! <b> </b><b> OTHER-WALTER </b> Oh guys. <b> </b> Elaine tries to leave, but other-Walter stops her. <b> </b><b> OTHER-WALTER </b> Elaine, it's my last day. Have a piece. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, pile it on. <b> </b><b> ALL </b> For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny... <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine looks on frustrated. <b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine stand in front of his stereo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is so bad about having a little piece of cake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why aren't you there now? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her. <b> </b><b> </b> They sit on the sofa. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Your old high school hangout? Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're closing. We're going for one last slice. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer barges through the door holding a roll of yellow police tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official police caution tape. Look at that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry walks towards the counter where Kramer has placed some of the tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you get this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They want to know why they never see you. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer ties a piece of tape around a banana. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm gonna eat that later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So they just gave you this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh no, no,. no. I had to fish around in the evidence room for it. You know, they're all preoccupied, trying to hunt down this new psycho-serial killer, the Lopper. All right, I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is the Lopper? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How come I haven't read about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, the police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? What're the other titles? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Son of dad? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort of a catchall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mario's Pizza. <b> </b><b> INT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY </b> <b> </b> George and Jerry admire their former hang out. Mario, an elder man, stands behind the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARIO </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We used to come in every day. <b> </b><b> MARIO </b> So where ya been? We're tanking here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARIO </b> Oh, thanks. That'll save us. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, make it the large sodas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry walk across the room. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life. <b> </b><b> </b> They walk over to watch a boy playing Frogger. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Double jump! Eat the fly! Eat it! <b> </b> The boy loses. <b> </b><b> BOY </b> Thanks a lot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, beat it, punk. <b> </b> The boy exits. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, look at the high score--"G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I remember that night. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARIO </b> Here's your pizza pea brains. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I remember why we stopped coming here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> EXT. J PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine is sitting at her desk smelling a pen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This pen smells really bad. So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school? <b> </b><b> </b> There's a knock on the door and several co-workers enter with a cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> MALE WORKER </b> You were out sick yesterday, so we got you a get-well cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FEMALE WORKER </b> It's carrot. It's good for you. <b> </b><b> WORKERS </b> Get well get well soon, we wish you to get-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Stop it! That's not even a song! I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MALE WORKER </b> I think it's nice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office! <b> </b><b> </b> Another worker enters late. <b> </b><b> WORKER </b> Get well, get well soon-- <b> </b><b> MALE WORKER </b> It's not happening. <b> </b> They all start to leave disappointed. <b> </b><b> BECKY </b> Can we still it eat? <b> </b><b> EXT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Jerry and Lisi sit at the usual booth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> End under water? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Be that long. I mean, most action movies are-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> So much more violent. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not as long. <b> </b><b> LISI </b> Well, I should probably-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get going. <b> </b><b> LISI </b> Yeah. <b> </b> They both stand. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Eight tomorrow? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, that's-- <b> </b><b> LISI </b> What you were thinking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b> Lisi leaves and Jerry goes to pay the cashier. George enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. (points at booth) How about this one? <b> </b><b> </b> They both sit down at their booth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fabulous. See, now you're really do something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're right. Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score! <b> </b><b> </b> George gets up and leaves in a huff. <b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY- ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, more bad news Jerry. <b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> Kramer and Jerry are talking near the kitchen counter. George is sitting at the table on Jerry's cordless phone. An open phone book is in front of him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you. <b> </b><b> </b> JERRYL Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not as many as there used to be. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score. H-hello? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer peels and eats an orange. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Another friend? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend. In fact, we don't even get along. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, is he good, Kramer? <b> </b> George gets up and walks towards Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, he's the best...and the worst. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Believe me George, you can count on Slippery Pete. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Slippery Pete? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I don't care for the name, either. In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on! <b> </b><b> </b> George grabs his coat and leaves the apartment. The phone rings. Jerry tries to get by Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt. <b> </b> Jerry picks up the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> INTERCUT </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE/JERRY'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b> Elaine is on the phone and is smelling her tape dispenser. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So how's it going with my friend? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs. <b> </b><b> </b> People can be heard singing "Happy Birthday" in the background of Elaine's office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 4:00 sugar rush. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So join in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> Jerry hangs up and stands up to find some police tape around a broken egg on the floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, wh-what-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves. <b> </b><b> EXT. J. PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine knocks on the open door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anybody here? Peterboy? <b> </b> No one answers. She runs over to Peterman's fridge, opens it, and takes out a box. She opens the box to find a cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ooh, it's a cake walk. <b> </b> She takes a bite of the cake. Outside in the hallway, Mr. Peterman can be heard singing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Get well, get well soon we wish you to get well. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine quickly puts the box back in the fridge. Mr. Peterman enters his office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Ha ha ha ha...Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman, um-- <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> We missed you at the get well party. Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign, but--ooh--still a bastard. Oh, Elaine, can you keep a secret? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, sir, I can't. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price--$29,000. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Jerry and Lisi walk along. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well Lisi, that was another- <b> </b><b> LISI </b> Lovely evening. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Go for a hansom cab ride? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> 84th street, right off Riverside Park. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Riverside Park. <b> </b> Jerry grabs Lisi and turns around. <b> </b><b> LISI </b> I thought we were going-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Back to my place. That's right. <b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b> George and Jerry are sitting on the sofa. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you slept with her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you automatically sleep with her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Finished your thought. <b> </b> George gets up and walks over to the sink. Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Guess what I ate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> An ostrich burger. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How'd it taste? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A little stale. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, uh are you sleeping with Peterman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact, he almost caught me. I have to sneak back in and even it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine start to walk from the counter towards the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EALINE </b> What is going on with you two? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's that? <b> </b> Elaine opens up a paper bag and pulls out a cookie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 4:00 sugar fix. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm calling this off right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...it's daylight. It won't take you that long. Just make a clean break. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine bites the head of her gingerbread man. <b> </b><b> EXT. J. PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just a little off the side... <b> </b><b> INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine is at Mr. Peterman's desk with the cake box. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, no point in wasting $1,200. <b> </b> She eats a slice of the cake as fantasy waltz music starts to play. Elaine dances around the room talking to one of the sculptures in the room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? More cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell? <b> </b><b> </b> She gets more cake. <b> </b><b> EXT. MONK'S DINER - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY </b> <b> </b> George, Kramer, Slippery Pete, and Shlomo sit at a booth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Slippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician. And shlomo, you're the best truck driver. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> I don't know If I'm the best. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh...you're very good. <b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> Let's say "good." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge of taping off the loading zone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Lock and load. <b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> You think you can handle that, numb nuts? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, all right, come on, now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> That was my mail-order bride. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you weren't home, so I signed for her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> It doesn't give you the right to make out with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You weren't even married yet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right, calm down, calm down. Whatever happened in the past is past. <b> </b><b> </b> George gets a napkin and starts to draw on it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, this is the basic layout for Mario's Pizza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> So what kind of jail time are we looking at if we're caught? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> We're stealing this thing, right? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. I--I paid for it. <b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> I thought we were stealing it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. It feels like we're stealing it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're not stealing it. <b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> I definitely thought we're stealing it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, let's--let's focus. Can we get back to the plan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The outlet? <b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> Mm-hmm. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's where the electricity comes out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SLIPPERT PETE </b> Oh, you mean the holes. <b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> Which one's the bathroom? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, here. <b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Frogger is here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, I thought that was the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> Where are all the pizza ovens? <b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> I thought the bathroom was here. <b> </b><b> INT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY </b> <b> </b> George, Shlomo, Slippery Pete, and Kramer are sitting in the same places as they were in the booth at Monk's, but this time they are around a table at Mario's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. You understand now? It's not that complicated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. MONK'S DINER - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I need to replace an antique piece of cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine is sitting at the counter with a Sotheby's auction book open in front of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you have anything that's been...you know, laying around for a while? Something prewar would be just great. <b> </b><b> </b> The waitress leaves and Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble. I need a cake that looks like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah--Sotheby's. Yeah. They make good cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do any of these look close? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, but I know I've seen cake just like that. Oh--Entenmann's. Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Entenmann's? From the supermarket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. LISI'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> There's a knock at the door. Lisi opens it. It's Jerry holding a baseball bat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Lisi. <b> </b><b> LISI </b> Hi, honey. Is that a bat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> So, what do you want to do, Sweetheart? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONTAGE </b><b> </b><b> </b> Lisi is sitting at her couch while Jerry paces behind her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that? <b> </b><b> </b> Both Jerry and Lisi are on the couch. Jerry has his head in his hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Then may I say something... without being interrupted? <b> </b><b> </b> Lisi is in another room with the door closed. Jerry stands in the hallway and is talking to her through the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They are sitting on the couch again. Jerry nods at everything Lisi mumbles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh... <b> </b> Now Jerry is sitting on the couch and Lisi is pacing behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Are you afraid to kiss me in public? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have we even been in public? <b> </b> Jerry is walking away from Lisi and she follows behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> So now you're going to tell me what I'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause I'd really like to know. <b> </b><b> </b> Lisi is crying and Jerry stands looking over her shoulder. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You are not dumb. Don't say that.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They both sit around the coffee table eating beans. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> These beans are pretty good. <b> </b><b> LISI </b> 20 minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Now Jerry is in a room with the door shut. Lisi stands out in the hallway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice to meet ya! <b> </b> Jerry is lying on the couch while Lisi paces behind. <b> </b><b> LISI </b> Boy, did your mother do a number on you. <b> </b><b> </b> Lisi is on the couch with Kleenex and Jerry stands on the other side of the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Fine. So it's over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b><b> 9:30. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We've been breaking up for 10 hours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Good-bye, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Out! <b> </b><b> EXT. LISI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Jerry steps out of Lisi's building. He looks both ways cautiously before walking down the steps. Surprised, he sees a shadowy figure walking towards him holding something resembling a head in one hand and a knife in the other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lopper. <b> </b> He quickly runs back up to Lisi's building and yells into her intercom system. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this out. I was wrong, you were right. I'll do anything! <b> </b><b> </b> She buzzes him up. <b> </b> Just as he walks into the building, we see the Lopper is actually Slippery Pete carrying a car battery by it's wires. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY </b> <b> </b> Jerry stands outside a boutique store when George arrives carrying rope. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, you came for the big moment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I'm waiting for... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. Sounds great. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where? <b> </b> Lisi exits the boutique wearing a Dutch bonnet. <b> </b><b> LISI </b> Look what I found. I got one for you, too. <b> </b><b> </b> She puts a Dutch hat on Jerry head. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LISI </b> Ha ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of your place, 15 minutes. <b> </b><b> </b> Lisi leaves. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A long, long weekend. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I hear thee. <b> </b><b> INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine has finished replacing the cake. She throws the empty Entenmann's box away. She's about to leave, but Mr. Peterman enters with another man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine! Excellent. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hello. <b> </b><b> LUBECK </b> Charmed. <b> </b> Mr. Peterman gets the cake out of the fridge. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> All right, brace yourself, Lubeck. You are about to be launched via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British Royal family. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess I'll just-- <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh, no Elaine, stay. Lubeck here is the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry. <b> </b><b> </b> Lubeck inspects the cake. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> All right, Lubeck. How much is she worth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LUBECK </b> I'd say about 219. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Ha ha ha ha ha!$219,000! Lubeck, you glorious titwillow. You just made me a profit of $190,000. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LUBECK </b> No, $2.19. It's an Entenmann's. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Do they have a castle at Windsor? <b> </b><b> LUBECK </b> No. They have a display case at the end of the aisle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Oh, good lord. <b> </b><b> LUBECK </b> You all right, Peterman? You look ill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well. Get well, get well soon we want you to get well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY </b> <b> </b> George and Jerry see Kramer, Shlomo, and Slippery Pete standing outside Mario's Pizza. Slippery Pete is playing Frogger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you guys doing? <b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Got him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> The batteries are fine. We've got...oh, god. only 3 minutes left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Quick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, they closed up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need an outlet! <b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> A what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Holes! I need holes! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The pharmacy's still open. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You to go sweet-talk the pharmacist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Shlomo and Slippery Pete go to the pharmacy. <b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> You owe me a quarter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up! <b> </b> Kramer ties the police tape to a tree and runs into traffic. He runs out of tape before he can get halfway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh! I'm out! No tape left! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By yourself? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life. <b> </b><b> </b> George pushes the machine onto the street. From a view in the sky, we see him dodging cars, hopping back and forth into lanes of traffic. Frogger music and sound effects play. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHLOMO </b> He looks like a Frog. <b> </b><b> SLIPPERY PETE </b> So do you. <b> </b> George makes it across just as a huge truck comes barreling down the street. George tries to get the Frogger onto the sidewalk, but can't. He futilely sticks his hand out trying to stop the truck which honks. George jumps out of the truck's way and onto the sidewalk as the Frogger is smashed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Game over. <b> </b><b> INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY </b> <b> </b> Mr. Peterman sits in his chair behind his desk. Elaine knocks and enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books--The Entenmann's shim-sham. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EALINE </b> Ohh... <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other-Walter using my latrine. But it also caught this. <b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Peterman shows Elaine the tape of her waltzing around the room eating the cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EALINE </b> Mr. Peterman, I, uh... <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still...with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um...as far as I know. <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, I guess I hadn't-- <b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> Well, I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> <b> </b><b> </b> </pre>>

The Frogger Script

1998-04-30

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MAID </b> Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, David Mandel, Kit Boss &amp; Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY </b> <b> </b> George and Jerry sit at their usual booth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cup of tea with lemon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to your voice? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean like...Liza! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I was thinking...T-bone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's no G-bone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a g-spot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's a myth. <b> </b> George takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to his chin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why did they hire you for a rodeo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the sofa chewing gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I had that comin' to me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, Kenny Rogers has a- <b> </b> Jerry's maid exits from his bedroom and walks over to the kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why did you get a maid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where did you get her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hired her from a service! <b> </b><b> MAID </b> All done. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. Nice job. <b> </b><b> MAID </b> Is this mine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> The maid leaves Jerry's apartment. Elaine smiles at Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Notice what? She's not really even a maid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh. News woman. Yeah. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have a girlfriend? <b> </b> Jerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, where have you been? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> At a rodeo. Where's she moving? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Downtown. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Downtown New York? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's like 10 minutes by subway. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. <b> </b> Kramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills onto the floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's a 646. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> At work? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. At your apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't have a fax machine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here we go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And a dead bolt. <b> </b> KRAMER (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then maybe you have a fax machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You just blew my mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Let's order lunch. <b> </b><b> INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY </b> <b> </b> Everyone is gathered around a large conference table. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Mary, I will have a chef's salad. <b> </b><b> MALE WORKER </b> Turkey sandwich. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> T-bone steak. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> For lunch? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> WATKINS </b> That sounds good. I'll have one, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone? <b> </b><b> WATKINS </b> I love 'em. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Well, then we should call you T-bone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, no. No, we shouldn't. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> T-bone! <b> </b><b> ALL </b> T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> The phone rings. Elaine enters her apartment carrying bags of groceries. She drops the bags and picks up the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello? <b> </b> A fax squeal. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b> She checks her answering machine. <b> </b><b> MACHINE </b> You have 57 messages. Message one... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Fax squeal. She skips to the next message. <b> </b><b> MACHINE </b> Message two... <b> </b> Fax squeal. She skips to the next message. <b> </b><b> MACHINE </b> Message three... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, it's George. Listen, I- <b> </b> She skips to the next message. <b> </b><b> MACHINE </b> Message four... <b> </b> Fax squeal. <b> </b> ELAINE Kramer! <b> </b> The phone rings. Elaine hesitates and lets it ring. She finally caves and picks it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EALINE </b> Hello? <b> </b> Another fax squeal. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aah! <b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLSIHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well Cindy, the place looks great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> She grabs her money off the counter. <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> Thanks Jerry, gotta run. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, I'll see ya. <b> </b> As Cindy leaves, Jerry gives her a big kiss. Elaine shows up and watches, amused. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CINDY </b> Hi, Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry groans as Elaine enters and Cindy exits. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I pay her to clean. The rest is-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? A health plan? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was going to say, "Being a good host." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh-ho-ho. Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you consider this a relationship? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Have you been out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, we have. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where did you go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The store. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm! To get what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stuff. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cleaning supplies? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And gum. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's not a maid. She might be a news woman! <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh nguh--on her way. I miss her already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer sits down on the couch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Which ones? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So this is never gonna stop? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can pick 'em up right now. <b> </b> Elaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah! <b> </b><b> EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> She fondles a candle stick as a phone man fixes her phone. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared...would anybody notice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE MAN </b> All right, miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ahem. 646? What is this? <b> </b><b> PHONE MAN </b> That's your new area code. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought 646 was just for new numbers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE MAN </b> This is a new number. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's--it's--it's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE MAN </b> Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE MAN </b> I could've killed you, and no one would've known. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you're still on the phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Kramer is sitting on the couch with a blanket. He's on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Madeline stays here. <b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, T-bone! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. No T-bone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No T-bone? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, is that T-bone?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! There's no T-bone! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why no T-bone?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why no T-bone? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone! <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer opens the door. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's sleeping with his maid! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're sleepin' with the maid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine and a man are talking. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> You're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm not. Here you go. <b> </b><b> MAN </b><b> 646? </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's a new area code. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> What area? New Jersey? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Do I have to dial a one first? <b> </b> Elaine nods and the man crumples up her number. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> I'm really kinda seein' somebody. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? Well, so am I! <b> </b><b> EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins? <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY </b> <b> </b> George and Watkins stand just outside the conference room talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WATKINS </b> It's T-bone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WATKINS </b> Heh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're a perfect George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Now, you listen to me! <b> </b> Kruger and a few other people watch George through the window of the conference room door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Hey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of that monkey that could read sign language? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WATKINS </b> All right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies. <b> </b><b> </b> Watkins and George enter the conference room. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as- <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Koko the monkey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ALL </b> Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine walks down the hallway. Two people exit an apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Thank you both for being here. <b> </b><b> EALINE </b> Um, excuse me. I live in the building. Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> She passed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I'm so sorry. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A quick question-- did she by any chance have a 212 phone number? <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> I can't find my earring. Oh, here it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> Cindy walks into Jerry's bedroom. Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. It's in your closet. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. I looked. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're behind my skis and my tennis racket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Thanks, buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you goin'? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. <b> </b> Cindy comes from Jerry's bedroom. <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> Hi, Kramer. <b> </b> She picks up her money from the counter. <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> Thanks, Jerry. Bye. <b> </b> She leaves. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what's the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did I just pay for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh-oh. You're a john. <b> </b><b> EXT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Koko? <b> </b><b> INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY </b> <b> </b> George and Jerry are sitting at the counter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Koko. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much you pay this maid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> 40. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what this is. <b> </b> Kramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him and Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey. Look at that. <b> </b> Kramer shows of his I Love New York shirt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, now I can't see Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I look about the same. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was talking to him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never mind. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on. What'd he say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never mind. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, come on. What'd you say? <b> </b> Kramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and forth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look at Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry leans back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on. Where'd you go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go back. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Eh! Come on. What did you say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I said, never mind. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hate the counter. <b> </b> Elaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I hate the counter. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she didn't mind? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. She died. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, that's great. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to Mrs. Krantz? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine got a new number because she died. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman died? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did he say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Some new kind of pie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll try a piece. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, who's down there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, there's a booth. <b> </b> They all get up to move. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you hear about Newman? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b> Kramer whimpers. <b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> Jerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa. George enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b> He unfurls a jersey that reads, "Koko 00." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Double zero? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah." <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> Your nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? Coco? <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> Yeah. Coco. That girl's all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sounds like he runs a real tight ship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Say good-bye to Koko. <b> </b> George leaves as Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good-bye, Koko. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you! <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns. <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't hear anything. <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CINDY </b> No. My money. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For what? <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> For my maid services. You booked me for today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you didn't really do any work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CINDY </b> I made the bed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you took a nap in it. <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CINDY </b> No. That was the maid. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, who took the nap? <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> The girlfriend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> $40 seems kind of steep for a nap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CINDY </b> So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CINDY </b> You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So is this a breakup/quitting? <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again. <b> </b><b> </b> Cindy walks out of Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> PHONE MAN </b> Sign here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! 212. <b> </b><b> INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine and the phone man. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, what happened to the guy I had last time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE MAN </b> Oh, you know, it's an odd thing. He went out on a job and never came back. Nobody knows what happened. <b> </b><b> </b> The phone man leaves and the phone rings. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right! I am back in the game. <b> </b> She picks up the phone. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> BOY </b> Gammy! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. You got the wrong number, kid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOY </b> Gammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. Why haven't you called? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...nuts. <b> </b><b> BOY </b> Do you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry are playing Battleship. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Miss. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wouldn't worry about it. B-6? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine... <b> </b> Elaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The phone rings and Jerry answers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERCUT </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> COMPUTER VOICE </b> You have a collect call from-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, buddy, don't say no! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I accept. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what happened? <b> </b> Elaine gets up and leaves. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, <b> </b><b> </b> and I don't even know how to get there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's around you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it Famous Ray's? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. It's Original Ray's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Famous Original Ray's? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's just Original, Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what street are you on? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aah! <b> </b> Jerry leaves. <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Jerry finds a man waiting by his car. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> You Steinfeld? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cindy. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> She says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. Tax purposes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Elaine is sitting on her couch flipping through a magazine. She's on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so good. I think <b> </b><b> </b> Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b> Bobby dials 911. <b> </b><b> BOBBY </b><b> 9-1-1. </b> <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Jerry is driving down the street when he sees Cindy walking on the sidewalk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CINDY </b> What do you want? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here. I got your money. <b> </b><b> CINDY </b> I don't want any money from you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya. <b> </b><b> </b> A police cruiser pulls up with lights on. <b> </b><b> POLICE </b> Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, this is all very sophisticated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Elaine is sitting on the sofa reading when there is a pounding on the door. The door bursts open and some fire fighters run in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FIREMAN </b> All right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna make it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Kramer is waiting near a phone booth with a suitcase. A car pulls up. It's Maxwell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAXWELL </b> Hey, you look a little lost. You from around here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, no. <b> </b><b> MAXWELL </b> You know where you're going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAXWELL </b> Doesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, no. <b> </b><b> MAXWELL </b> You wanna make some? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> MAXWELL </b> Do you know how to use a mop wringer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> MAXWELL </b> Why don't you get in the car? <b> </b> Kramer hops in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi. Ahh...these are soft seats. <b> </b> The two drive off. <b> </b><b> EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Hey, Koko, Who's this? <b> </b><b> INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Everyone is gathered again around the conference table. George is standing introducing the newest employee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> So you're just hiring new people now? That's your job, to hire people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Ok, good enough for me, Koko. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George sits down. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Ahem. Now, what's your name? <b> </b><b> COCO </b> My name is Coco. Coco Higgins. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Coco? <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> We can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it was a hell of a ride. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> All right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> COCO </b> When I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COCO </b> What did you say about my Gammy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Forget Gammy. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Who's Gammy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's no Gammy. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> Maybe there should be a Gammy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no. <b> </b><b> KRUGER </b> George. <b> </b><b> ALL </b> Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gammy's gettin' upset! <b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Maid Script

1998-05-07

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PUERTO RICAN DAY </b> Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Jennifer Crittenden, Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Steve Koren, David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY </b> <b> </b> The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerry behind the wheel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Man, I'm starving. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting shellacked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Those nachos are killing me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought you were hungry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's complicated. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Keep your shirt on. I got it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Watch out for that maroon Golf. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, boy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh... <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry swerves into another lane. Lamar, the driver of the maroon Golf honks the horn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, I couldn't do that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, all right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer get up to moon Lamar. <b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. What's that called? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Blimp: The Hindenburg Story. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How was it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Heh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The place went nuts. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why are we slowing down? <b> </b> Music plays in the background. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that music? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's with all these flags? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE AND JERRY </b> It's the Puerto Rican Day parade! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let anyone through. <b> </b><b> </b> We're never getting home. <b> </b> Kramer stands up on the back seat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STOCK FOOTAGE </b> Puerto Rican Day parade. <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - DAY </b> <b> </b> Kramer runs along the sidewalk and hops into the back seat of a black Saab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here. <b> </b><b> </b> There is a Puerto Rican family in the car. <b> </b><b> PUERTO RICAN MAN </b> Well, it is our day. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry. <b> </b> Kramer hops out. <b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY </b> <b> </b> Still sitting stopped in traffic are Elaine, Jerry, and George. They are listening to the radio. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RADIO </b> And the Mets score two in the eighth inning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just inch over. You worm your way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, you should make yourself throw up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know you're going to. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'm worming. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're not letting me in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My hand is out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You sure you want his face? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. It was María Conchita Alonso. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This guy's giving me the stare-ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at me! I am man! I am you! <b> </b> The man in the other car looks over at George. Elaine, sitting behind George, aids in the cause by pleading to the man by mouthing the words, "Hi, can we go in?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One more lane to go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right! We're here! <b> </b> Just as Jerry is about to enter the one-way street, Lamar and his maroon Golf cut him off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maroon Golf. <b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could you move your car back a little? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine pushes George's seat forward slamming his head onto the dashboard. She gets out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't do that. You can't just leave the group. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ¿Con dios? Well, that's rude. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you believe her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The movies. Blimp is playing right there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not what I do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Isn't it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is. <b> </b><b> </b> George leaves. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STOCK FOOTAGE </b> Taxis stuck in traffic. <b> </b><b> INT. TAXI CAB - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine sits in the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it? <b> </b><b> </b> She moves so she can yell out the driver's open window. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Fold your dog's ear back! <b> </b> She leans back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAB DRIVER </b> No, you can't. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here. <b> </b> She pays her fare and gets out. <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS </b> <b> </b> She starts to walk. The cab starts to move. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey! <b> </b><b> </b> The cab stops and she gets back in. <b> </b><b> INT. TAXI CAB - CONTINUOUS </b> <b> </b><b> CAB DRIVER </b> Where to? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right. Bye again. <b> </b><b> </b> She pays and gets out again. <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS </b> <b> </b> Again, the cab starts moving when she gets out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Taxi! Taxi! <b> </b> She starts to run after the taxi which starts to move faster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY </b> <b> </b> George sits down next to two attractive women. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY 1 </b> What is that dot? <b> </b><b> LADY 2 </b> Oh, I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers. <b> </b><b> </b> A red laser moves around the movie screen. Everyone laughs as the dot rests on the breasts of the movie actress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. MOVIE LOBBY - DAY </b> <b> </b> The laser pointer guy uses his laser to point at a box of Skittles and RC Cola. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LASER GUY </b> Gimme a box of those and one of those. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LASER GUY </b> The laser's not funny. I'm funny. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LASER GUY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY </b> <b> </b> Kramer and Jerry sit listening to the radio. <b> </b> RADIO What a comeback for the New York Mets-- 6 runs in the bottom of the ninth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> This traffic's a killer, ain't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Walk away? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't there a deductible? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, what is your deductible? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, because they've already deducted it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> From what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're not leaving the car! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely not. He sped up. <b> </b><b> RADIO </b> Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm ready to talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY </b> <b> </b> George and the ladies are sitting in their seats. <b> </b><b> LADY 1 </b> Hey! There's that laser guy again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY 2 </b> He's funny. I never meet anyone funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY 1 </b> I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me than looks or hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY 2 </b> Mmm, yeah. <b> </b> There's an explosion on the screen. The laser moves around the screen and everyone laughs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's gotta hurt! <b> </b> Everyone stops laughing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George stands up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The laser guy points the laser at George's head. <b> </b><b> LADY 1 </b> Look! It's on the bald guy. <b> </b><b> LADY 2 </b> I am so glad we came to this showing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - DAY </b> <b> </b> Kramer is talking to Lamar while Jerry waits in his car. Kramer walks to Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok! <b> </b> Jerry puts both hands up over his head and does the "I'm Sorry" wave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Hallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer gets in the car. George shows up and climbs into the back seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that on your forehead? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's probably chocolate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, is that one of those laser pointers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass! <b> </b><b> </b> As Jerry pulls into the one way street, a taxi comes down the street and blocks him in. In the taxi is Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry?! <b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Jackass? So I'm a jackass now? <b> </b><b> EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING </b> <b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> The apartment is empty. <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - DAY </b> <b> </b> Jerry stands in front of the one way street yelling at the cars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PUERTO RICAN MAN </b> Buenos dias, my friend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not you! The guy in the Amigo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. TAXI CAB - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine sits frustrated in the cab. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, well, uh, here--here is good. <b> </b><b> TAXI DRIVER </b> Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But you knew the way to go! You went to college! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't talk to me about hardship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> She pays the driver and gets out. <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine walks up to Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, eh, can you believe this mess? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> So that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's real good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, he doesn't need- <b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Cause that's what's gonna happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and George walk along eating churros. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper lookin' to pop ya. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, my god. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, there's the soda guy. <b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Hey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right! <b> </b> George stands petrified. <b> </b><b> EXT. BARRICADE - DAY </b> <b> </b> A police barricade set up on the parade route prevents a crowd of people from crossing. Elaine pushes her way through the crowd. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OLDER MAN </b> Hey, hey, hey! <b> </b><b> OLDER WOMAN </b> Wha--ow! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere! <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLDER MAN </b> Well, none of us can! We're trapped! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OLDER WOMAN </b> Ow! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine picks up a nylon flap that covers the sides of some bleachers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OLDER MAN </b> Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLDER WOMAN </b> Father? <b> </b><b> PRIEST </b> None of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PREGNANT WOMAN </b> Oh, all right, all right! <b> </b> People start going under the bleachers. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUSINESS MAN </b> But it's dark! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get in there! <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY </b> <b> </b> Kramer looks for a bathroom. He sees a sign that reads, "Rest rooms are for patrons only." There's another sign that reads apartment for sale. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> There's a knock at the door and the sales woman answers it. It's Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Yes! Come in, come in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> I'm Christine Nyhart. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Delicious to meet you. <b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Did the broker send you over? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> The asking price is $1.5 million. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How about a bathroom? <b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> It has 4. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Just down the hall. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b> He saunters to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> INT. BLEACHERS - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine leads everyone under the bleachers. Food falls from the bleachers landing on them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PREGNANT WOMAN </b> I'm not married. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I, for one, really respect that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PREGNANT WOMAN </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Guess who's not married. <b> </b><b> OLDER MAN </b> Is the boyfriend still in the picture? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on, father, you can make it. <b> </b><b> PRIEST </b> No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! I won't! <b> </b><b> PRIEST </b> Leave me! you must. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Take it easy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PRIEST </b> I heard that! <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - DAY </b> <b> </b> Jerry stands next to his car with a drink. <b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> You know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ho ho! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George returns wearing mirrored sunglasses. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What seems to be the problem, officer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> At me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. It's back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bring it on, baby <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if it gets in the side? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The side? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally- <b> </b><b> </b> George rips off his glasses. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. It's in your eye now. <b> </b> George runs off screaming. Kramer runs up to Jerry with a Puerto Rican flag draped around him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, the Mets have got men on base! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You were watchin'? Where? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> Jerry sits in the apartment watching TV. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Well, it's-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not Pennypacker! <b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> You know him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen! <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY </b> <b> </b> George and Kramer sit in the car. George looks in the rear view mirror. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter. <b> </b><b> </b> George exits the car. <b> </b><b> INT. BLEACHERS - DAY </b> <b> </b> Elaine and the group reach the end of the bleachers. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We should be able to get across right through here! <b> </b><b> </b> She lifts the nylon flap to find a brick wall. <b> </b><b> OLDER WOMAN </b> It's a dead end! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no! I thought-- <b> </b><b> BUSINESS MAN </b> You thought?! We're gonna die in the dark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna die! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get a hold of yourself! <b> </b> Elaine slaps the man. He shoves her, she shoves back. They grab each other and kiss. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PREGNANT WOMAN </b> Oh, come on! <b> </b> OLDER WOMAN Oooh! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sorry. Somebody...help us! <b> </b><b> EXT. BLEACHERS - DAY </b> <b> </b> Lots of people sit on the bleachers. A cop stands guard. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> !Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're down here! Help! <b> </b><b> MAN </b> There's people down there! Hold on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They lift the floorboards to reveal Elaine and her group. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PREGNANT WOMAN </b> Don't judge me! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Help us up so we can cross the street? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> Nah, nah, You can't cross here. There's a parade. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But we've come so far. We just want to unwind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> Hey, what can I tell ya? <b> </b> They close the floor boards. <b> </b><b> INT. BLEACHERS - DAY </b> <b> </b><b> BUSINESS MAN </b> Wanna make out some more? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, god! Let us out! <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY </b> <b> </b> George hides behind a van and sees a man with a pen. He sneaks up and grabs the pen and destroys it. He ends up with ink all over his hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That wasn't a laser pen. <b> </b><b> DELIVERY MAN </b> No. It's just a pen. <b> </b> The delivery man laughs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's funny <b> </b><b> DELIVERY MAN </b> No. You have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's doing that is very clever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> EXT. CITY STREET - DAY </b> <b> </b> Kramer lights a cigar with a sparkler. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year. <b> </b><b> </b> He tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where it lands on the Puerto Rican flag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico. <b> </b><b> </b> Lamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh! !Dios mio! <b> </b> He grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag! <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Who! Who is burning the flag?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Him?! <b> </b><b> CEDRIC </b> That's not very nice. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was an accident. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CEDRIC </b> Because it's Puerto Rican day. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama! <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer runs off screaming. The others give chase. <b> </b><b> INT. APARTMENT - DAY </b> <b> </b> The sales woman lets George in. <b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Right this way, Mr. Vandelay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> It's down the hall. <b> </b> George walks to the bathroom, but stops when he sees Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hello... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Art. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mr. Vandelay, of course. <b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> You two know each other? <b> </b> Kramer bursts through the door. <b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Mr. Pennypacker! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- uh, hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALES WOMAN </b> Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Varnsen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pennypacker. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Vandelay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pennypacker. Varnsen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The factory? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Saab factory? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, that's in Sweden. <b> </b> George turns on the TV as Jerry runs to the window just in time to see a mob attacking his car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My car! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, the Mets lost. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love a parade! <b> </b><b> EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT </b> <b> </b> Jerry's car is stuck in a stairwell outside a building. Kramer, George, and Jerry admire the mob's handiwork. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you suppose they did that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what about my car? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine approaches the group. She is totally disheveled with popcorn in her hair and her clothing stained. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, there's Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you look, uh...relaxed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind. <b> </b><b> </b> Lamar drives up in his maroon Golf. <b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He drives off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, at least he didn't- <b> </b><b> LAMAR </b> Jackass! <b> </b> Jerry sets his car alarm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Somebody remember where we parked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This was a fun day. It's nice to get out. <b> </b><b> </b> The foursome walk off as a laser lights up George's rear end. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Puerto Rican Day Script

1998-05-14

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FINALE PART 1 </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monologue, on stage) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George at Monks) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know what you mean. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do ya? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Same thing! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me. Are you using your catsup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What do you think? You want to give him the catsup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> It's up to you. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah - what for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To see a movie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've been to the movies. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not this movie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you shower today? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick <b> </b><b> </b> of health. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> All right, we're done. You can have it now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, very gracious. <b> </b> (Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk. Kramer and Elaine drive up.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Nice day <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! JoJo! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ey, ey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, thank you. So what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, let's go to the beach. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you crazy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? It's a beautiful day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have a good time. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, there's something in the air. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer drives off) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? No good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Faux pas. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Faux pas? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Big hefty stinking faux pas. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's dismissive. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's pompous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you think before you do something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here's a thought - Bye bye. <b> </b> (Exit Elaine) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Too much? <b> </b> (Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey - hey - hey! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're so uptight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry listens to his answering machine) <b> </b><b> PHONE TAPE </b> Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call? Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's he? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Our show, "Jerry"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Today, like right now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right now? "Jerry"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Jerry"! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He wants to talk about "Jerry"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He wants to talk about "Jerry"! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Jerry"! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Jerry"! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can I go like this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Forget the sports jacket. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I won't feel like a writer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not a writer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right! <b> </b> (Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Water. Need some water! Water here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't blow this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I will not blow this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He might not want nothing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Something, nothing, I could care less. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He might want a show about anything and everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Magic time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b> (Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Mr. Kimbrough. <b> </b><b> STU </b> Hey, Jerry, good to see you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey, hey! <b> </b><b> STU </b> How you been? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, good. You remember George. <b> </b><b> STU </b> George, good to see you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello Stu. <b> </b><b> STU </b> You remember Jay Crespi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> This is James Kimbrough. <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kimbrough. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't spell. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H </b> <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a talent I have. <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> Why don't we sit down, glad you're here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shut up, George. <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> Can I get you anything? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do we have in the fruit department? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oy. <b> </b><b> STU </b> Pineapple. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the end. You can get killed from <b> </b><b> </b> one of those things. <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Been there, done that. <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Water coolers? <b> </b><b> CRESPI </b> We call it a water-cooler show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> I have always loved it. <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> He said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you - I flipped out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CRESPI </b> He totally flipped out. <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a little off the wall. <b> </b><b> CRESPI </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> STU </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Definitely. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KIMBROUGH </b> Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Or we could get them together. Woo! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Jerry attempt a hug outside Mr. Kimbrough's office) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b> (Elaine is at home using the phone when Jerry calls to tell her the news) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. Elaine, it's me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, I'm on the other line. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's the emergency? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you hear what I said? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was on the other line talking to Jill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jill? Well, why didn't you say so? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You said it was an emergency. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is telling his parents the good news about Jerry) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Congratulations, they're doing the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> She's not six-six. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry, you ever watch that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's pretty good. <b> </b> (George is telling his parents the news.) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> They picked up the show? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm moving to California. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> The NBC guy liked it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course he liked it. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> He told you he liked it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm writing. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You know how to write? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ma?! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is on the phone with his agent, Kramer walks in.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> NBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great. <b> </b><b> </b> Okay, bye. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey - how was the beach? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. <b> </b> They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're moving to California? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, only for a while. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'll be back. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Fling! <b> </b> <b> </b> (The group is sitting at their table at Monks) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So we can go anywhere we want? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anywhere. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why are they doing this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is all very exciting. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? Where are we going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I say Japan. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why Japan? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing - or baking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh - I got it - how about Russia? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Russia, it's so bleak. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not bleak - it's springtime. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's still bleak. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't be bleak in spring. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can be bleak in spring. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you're bleak, you're bleak. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about Switzerland? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a bit hilly - no? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're not going to do any walking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if I want to walk around a little? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if I'm at the bottom? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right! You know what, just forget it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything. <b> </b><b> </b> Why don't we all just go to Paris? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll go to Paris. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me too. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah - oui oui. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GROUP </b> Yeah! <b> </b> (Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about <b> </b><b> </b> a plane call? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, I'll just have to call her from Paris. <b> </b><b> </b> (Knock at the door. Jerry answers.) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Newman. What gives? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a shame. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Take me! Take me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down. <b> </b><b> </b> (The group arrives by limo to the airport) <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Ah, Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All set. We'll just grab the bags. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just keeps on getting better and better. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Our heroes enter the plane) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The only way to fly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is it? <b> </b> (After take-off, the group chit-chats) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're complaining about a private jet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not writing any letters! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Will you turn around? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's effeminate to sit like this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, I think it's a little effeminate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How is this effeminate? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know - it just is. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Still got water in your ear? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got to get it out, I can't take this anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, don't be fooling around up here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Hey, get the hell out of here! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is that noise? What is that noise? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, what the hell did you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I lost my balance. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was an accident. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told you to stop with the hopping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God, we're going down. We're going to die! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? Jerry can you hear me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's something I have to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I cheated in the contest. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The contest - I cheated. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great - I won. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, I gotta tell you something too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no - me first. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, I've always loved ..u.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey - What's going on? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We're straightening out! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're straightening out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're straightening out! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're straightening out! <b> </b><b> GROUP </b> Yeah! <b> </b> (Outside the plane) <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are we? <b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll see you later. <b> </b> (In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll feel him out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STRANGER </b> Nice day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Another one? <b> </b> (A carjacking takes place in front of the group) <b> </b><b> ROBBER </b> Alright fatso, out of the car. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I want to capture this. <b> </b><b> ROBBER </b> Come on! Gimme your wallet. <b> </b><b> VICTIM </b> Don't shoot. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, there goes the money for the lipo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBBER </b> I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call <b> NBC. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTIM </b> Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Forget it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> All right, hold it right there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> You're under arrest. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Under arrest? What for? <b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? No, no - we didn't do anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable todo so.George: I never heard of that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (In a cell, at the Latham County Jail) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why would we want to help somebody? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEPUTY </b> Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> DEPUTY </b> You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and get the hell out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEPUTY </b> Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as five years in prison. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEPUTY </b> California? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office) <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on. <b> </b><b> </b> (The phone rings) <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Jerry Seinfeld on the phone. <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> You people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PROSECUTOR </b> So they got Jackie Chiles, huh? <b> </b><b> D.A. HOYT </b> Uh huh. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean everything. <b> </b><b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Finale Part 1 Script

1998-05-14

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FINALE PART 2 </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The four are in prison, having a meal) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess we could've called for help. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But then we would have missed the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I still had it on video. We could have watched it later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, he's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I forgot about the video. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure - the video. <b> </b> (Jerry's beeper starts beeping) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Plane's ready. <b> </b> (Rivera Live news show) <b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been <b> </b><b> </b> discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane- <b> </b><b> </b><b> WELLS </b> Yes. Good evening, Geraldo. <b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> What's the mood? What's going on tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WELLS </b> Well, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> And what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WELLS </b> Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group." <b> </b><b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> Anything else, Jane? <b> </b><b> WELLS </b> There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and it's possible that ended badly. <b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> Well, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's parents are packing) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What's all that? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Cereal. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You're packing cereal? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm bringing it for Jerry. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You got enough here for a life sentence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He likes it. He says he misses that more that anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So bring a snack-pack. <b> </b> (George's parents are packing) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Poor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You were the one who smothered him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I did not smother him. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I had to make a living! <b> </b> (Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle Leo leaves with his bags, followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy in his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and Mrs. Ross, Mr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George <b> </b><b> </b> Steinbrenner.) <b> </b> (The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some cereal, while they wait for Jackie Chiles.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I bet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. <b> </b><b> </b> (Enter Jackie Chiles) <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Good morning. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good morning, Jackie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good morning. <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It makes me look older. <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry laughs) <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Do you think it's funny? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> You damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do I look, Jackie? <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you, Jackie. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How bout me, Jackie? <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Kramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jackie hands Jerry a tie) <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This one? <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I have to? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jackie says put it on, Jerry. <b> </b> (Court is starting) <b> </b><b> BAILIFF </b> All rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge <b> </b><b> </b> Arthur Vandelay presiding. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Vanda who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, did you hear that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think that's a good sign. <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Is the District Attorney ready to proceed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> We are, Your Honor. <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Mr. Hoyt. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> pay. <b> </b> (Newman shown eating popcorn) <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Mr. Chiles. <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing - lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them. <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> We are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BAILIFF </b> Call Matt Vogel. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So they were just standing there? <b> </b><b> VOLEG </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Did one of them have a video camera? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOGEL </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Your Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as Exhibit <b> A. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Proceed. <b> </b> (The tape plays) <b> </b><b> VICTIM </b> Don't shoot. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, there goes the money for the lipo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the victim of the robbery) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So they just stood there and did nothing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTIM </b> Yeah, nothing. Nothing! <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> No further questions. <b> </b> (Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us killed! <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Call Mabel Choate to the stand. <b> </b><b> BAILIFF </b> Call Mabel Choate. <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of <b> </b><b> </b> the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Your Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Objection overruled. I'll hear the witness. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHOATE </b> Well, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> What did he want? <b> </b><b> CHOATE </b> My marble rye. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Your marble rye? <b> </b><b> CHOATE </b> I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> And then you left the bakery. <b> </b><b> CHOATE </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHOATE </b> Oh no. <b> </b> (Scene from past episode, "The Rye") <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gimme that rye. <b> </b><b> CHOATE </b> Stop it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want that rye lady. <b> </b><b> CHOATE </b> Help - someone help. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shut up, you old bag! <b> </b> (Back to the present) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> No further questions. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> I call Marla Penny to the stand. <b> </b><b> BAILIFF </b> Call Marla Penny. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The virgin! <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> And what was your connection to the defendants? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PENNY </b> I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Then on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PENNY </b> It's rather difficult to talk about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> It's alright. Take your time. <b> </b><b> PENNY </b> Well, I became aware of a - <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> A what? <b> </b><b> PENNY </b> A, uh - <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> PENNY </b> A contest. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Contest? <b> </b><b> PENNY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> What was the nature of the contest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PENNY </b> Oh please, I can't. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> It's okay. <b> </b><b> PENNY </b> The four of them made a wager to see if they could - <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> PENNY </b> To see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PETERMAN </b> For the love of God! <b> </b><b> PENNY </b> It was horrible, horrible! <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Call Donald Sanger to the stand. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who the hell is that? <b> </b><b> MR. SANGER </b> Come on Donald, you're doing fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Bubble Boy! <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Bubble Boy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right, the Bubble Boy. <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> What's a Bubble Boy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a boy who lives in a bubble. <b> </b><b> BUBBLE BOY </b> What the hell are all you looking at? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUBBLE BOY </b> Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene from past episode, "The Bubble Boy") <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who invaded Spain in the Eighth Century? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUBBLE BOY </b> That's a joke - the Moors. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUBBLE BOY </b> Moops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry, the card says Moops. <b> </b><b> BUBBLE BOY </b> It doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Moops. <b> </b><b> BUBBLE BOY </b> Moors! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Moops! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Help! Someone! <b> </b><b> BUBBLE BOY </b> There's no Moops, you idiot. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Stop it! Let go of him! <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> Donald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Back to the court) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was Moops. <b> </b><b> BUBBLE BOY </b> Moors. <b> </b><b> </b> the lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped Spot") <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY </b> That's right. <b> </b> (Scene showing lady screaming going out of control down hill in her wheelchair.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Dr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILCOX </b> Yes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILCOX </b> I would describe it as restrained jubilation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Murderer! <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic! <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Order in this court! <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Call Sidra Holland to the stand. <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Whew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Yes, that's true. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> We were in the sauna, making chit-chat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene from past episode, "The Implant") <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi, I'm Elaine. <b> </b> (Back in the courtroom) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Why would she do something like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Joe Bookman, library cop) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> State your name. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Bookman, Joe Bookman. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> And what's your occupation? <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> I'm a library cop. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> What does a library cop do? <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> We chase down library delinquents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Anyone in this room ever delinquent? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> How long was his book overdue? <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> What do you call them? <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Criminals. <b> </b><b> </b> George's old girlfriend) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So you and Mr. Costanza were dating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> And then what happened? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and - <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene from past episode, "The Fire") <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fire! Get out of the way! <b> </b> (Back to the courtroom) <b> </b><b> </b> parking lot security guard) <b> </b><b> GUARD </b> At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene from past episode, "The Parking Garage") <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why. <b> </b><b> </b> (Back to the courtroom) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two <b> </b><b> </b> hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Objection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical condition is not on trial here! <b> </b><b> </b> I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990. <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Sit down, Mr. Chiles. <b> </b><b> </b> Police Detective) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Alright, Detective, then what happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DETECTIVE </b> We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene from past episode, "The Wig Master") <b> </b><b> PRO </b> You just cost me some money. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE </b> Police officers - freeze right there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Back to the courtroom) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the low-talker) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mumble) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George Steinbrenner) <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Call George Steinbrenner to the stand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BAILIFF </b> Call George Steinbrenner. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Yes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> He had one little problem though. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> He was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANDELEY </b> Order! <b> </b><b> </b> Man from "The Little Jerry") <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Cock fighting? <b> </b><b> WITNESS </b> Cock fighting. <b> </b><b> </b> Pharmacist from "The Sponge") <b> </b><b> PHARMACIST </b> Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of <b> </b><b> </b> them. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's old boyfriend) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> She exposed her nipple. <b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Pitt from "The Diplomat's Club") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> How did she try to kill you? <b> </b><b> PITT </b> She tried to smother me with a pillow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Call Yev Kassem to the stand. <b> </b><b> BAILIFF </b> Call Yev Kassem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Soup Nazi! <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> State your name. <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Yev Kassem. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> Could you spell that? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> No! Next question. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> How do you know the defendants? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> They used to come to my restaurant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene from past episode, "The Soup Nazi") <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Medium turkey chili. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Medium crab bisque. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't get any bread. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just forget it. Let it go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Um, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You want bread? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, please. <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Three dollars! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> No soup for you! <b> </b> (Back in the courtroom) <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the woman - for a year. Then one day, <b> </b><b> </b> she came back. <b> </b> (Back to the "Soup Nazi" episode) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds celery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> That's my recipe for wild mushroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next! <b> </b><b> </b> (Back in the courtroom) <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> She published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She ruined my business! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Soup's not all that good anyway. <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> What did you say?! <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did they find Babu? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought he was deported. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> You came a long way to be here today, haven't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Yes, all the way from Pakistan. <b> </b><b> HOYT </b> And what's your connection to the defendant? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came! There were no people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOYT </b> And then what happened? <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Then, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad! Very, very, very bad! <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Rivera Live) <b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the <b> </b><b> </b> Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to <b> </b><b> </b> Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane - <b> </b><b> </b><b> WELLS </b> Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WELLS </b> Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WELLS </b> That is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on, <b> </b><b> </b> and on, and on, into the night. <b> </b><b> RIVERA </b> And so we wait. <b> </b> (The group, waiting for the jury to decide) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do they make you wear uniforms in prison? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not that bright orange one is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Will you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop <b> </b><b> </b> if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face? <b> </b><b> </b> (George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Sorry to bother you, Judge. <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> How did you get in here? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Please, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> This is highly irregular. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well, maybe there's something I can do for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You know <b> </b> (Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross buys a gun.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed) <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate. <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days. <b> </b><b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> JACKIE </b> Hello? Damn. They're ready. <b> </b> (Back in the courtroom) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've always loved ... United Airlines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jury reenters the courtroom) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe because she knows you're going to jail. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BAILIFF </b> All rise. <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FOREMAN </b> We have, Your Honor. <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Will the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FOREMAN </b> We find the defendants - guilty. <b> </b><b> VANDELAY </b> Order! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. <b> </b><b> </b> I know I will. This court is adjourned. <b> </b> (Exit Judge Vandelay) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You had to hop! You had to hop on the plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Puddy, don't wait for me. <b> </b><b> PUDDY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> We gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Come on, Jackie. Let's go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> CHILES </b> Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular. <b> </b><b> </b> (The group, walking back to the holding cell) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you just blow it out your... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (They enter the cell) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think that would be a very nice gesture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's <b> </b><b> </b> too high, it's in no-man's land. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Haven't we had this conversation before? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think we have. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, maybe we have. <b> </b> (Epilogue, on stage in the prison) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of <b> </b><b> </b> course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? <b> </b><b> </b> You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PRISONER 1 </b> I am. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PRISONER 2 </b> Murder one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about <b> </b><b> </b> you, what are you in for? <b> </b><b> PRISONER 3 </b> Grand theft auto. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PRISONER 3 </b> You suck - I'm gonna cut you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria. <b> </b> <b> </b><b> THE END </b><b> </b></pre>>

The Finale Part 2 Script