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ecc9e2099cef-1 | person’s views when you are expressing your own opinions. Differing views
should be expressed in a friendly and supportive way, and you should make
an effort to communicate understanding of the other person’s perspective.
UÊJoin an ongoing conversation . In some circumstances, it is perfectly appro -
priate to join an ongoing conversation. For example, at parties people often
walk about, moving in and out of different conversations. See if you can join
in with a group of people who are discussing some issue that interests you.
UÊTalk to parents of other children . Just as pet owners enjoy talking to other
pet owners, parents usually enjoy talking about their children with other
parents. If you have children, get involved in situations where you might
have the opportunity to talk to other parents. For example, attend parents’
night at your children’s school or enroll your children in a class (such as
swimming, hockey, crafts, music) with other children. Take advantage of any
opportunities to talk to the other parents.
UÊMeet two or three friends at a café . Invite several coworkers or friends to
meet you after work or school for a coffee, drink, or snack. Alternatively,
invite others to join you for lunch. | shyness_social.pdf |
366eef16a7cf-0 | The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook
170Can you think of other possible practices that involve informal socializing, casual
conversation, or making small talk? If so, record them in the space below:
Other Practices
Practices Involving Meeting New Friends and Dating
Many of the situations listed in the previous section on practices involving small
talk and casual conversation also provide opportunities to meet new people. Similarly,
several of the situations listed in this section also provide opportunities for casual con -
versation. Most new friendships and relationships start with a casual conversation, so it’s
no surprise that these sections might overlap. Also, developing new relationships often
requires repeated encounters with new people you meet. In other words, two people
will typically become acquaintances before they become friends. The list below provides
examples of practices that involve a possibility of meeting new people, developing new
friendships, developing new business relationships, or fostering opportunities for dating.
Remember that the main goal of an exposure practice should be to become more com -
fortable in these situations. For now, developing new relationships should be a secondary
goal. Focus on the process of reducing your fear rather than whether you develop new
friends or relationships through these practices.
UÊGo to a social event . For example, attend your annual office holiday party,
a class reunion, a community dance, a local art gallery opening, or a book
signing. Situations such as these will provide you with opportunities to meet
people, as well as to mingle and make small talk. Be sure to take social risks
in these situations (for example, talking to other people).
UÊTalk to your neighbors . Go for walks in the neighborhood and say hello
to your neighbors—particularly those you have not had a chance to meet. | shyness_social.pdf |
366eef16a7cf-1 | to your neighbors—particularly those you have not had a chance to meet.
If you have a new neighbor, consider asking him or her over for a drink or
dessert. Invite some of your other neighbors as well.
UÊJoin a club, take a class, or join an organization . For example, join a bowling
league, aerobics class, volleyball league, bingo group, self-help group, church
group, art class, or other group. Ideally, the group should meet frequently
(for instance, weekly) for you to get the most benefit from attending it. | shyness_social.pdf |
302bc6ac9d2f-0 | Exposure to Social Situations
171UÊAsk friends or colleagues to introduce you to new people . Take advantage
of opportunities to meet new people through friends, coworkers, or other
people you know.
UÊInvite people you know to socialize . For example, invite several coworkers
or acquaintances for lunch, dinner, a movie, or a concert. Or, invite several
coworkers or acquaintances away on a vacation, ski weekend, or conference-
related trip.
UÊMeet people through online social networks or dating services . Consider
joining an online social networking site, such as Facebook (www.facebook
.com) or MySpace (www.myspace.com). Join online chat rooms. Meet
people through online dating services (for example, www.match.com). Two
cautions: first, although the Internet can be a useful tool for meeting people,
it’s important that you not rely exclusively on online relationships instead
of in-person relationships. Rather, consider using the Internet as a tool for
meeting people who you might eventually meet in person. Second, if you
are meeting people in person for the first time, use appropriate caution. For
example, a first date should happen in a public place, and you should not
give others your home address until you know them fairly well.
UÊArrange for dates through personal ads or dating services . In addition
to meeting people through the Internet, you can also find opportunities
for dating through professional dating services and through personal ads in
local newspapers.
Can you think of other possible practices that involve meeting new friends, dating,
or related situations? If so, record them in the space below:
Other Practices
Practices Involving Possible Conflict with Others | shyness_social.pdf |
302bc6ac9d2f-1 | Other Practices
Practices Involving Possible Conflict with Others
These practices should be planned carefully. Unlike the other practices recom -
mended in this chapter, these are likely to cause another person to become a bit angry
or impatient with your behavior. Choose practices in which the risks are minimal—if you
are unsure of the risks, ask a friend or family member for a second opinion. You may also | shyness_social.pdf |
751937c22f57-0 | The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook
172want to skip ahead to the sections on assertive communication in chapter 10 to prepare
yourself for this kind of interaction. It’s important that potential conflict situations be
dealt with assertively rather than with aggression, which is likely to escalate the other
person’s anger.
It may seem rude to do things purposefully that will inconvenience others. On the
other hand, as you continue to read this section, you will see that most of these practices
involve only minor inconvenience to other people, and many of these are situations that
people often encounter anyway. The substantial gains that you may obtain from these
practices are likely to outweigh any inconvenience that you create for others.
Listed below are some examples of practices that others have found useful for
becoming more comfortable with conflict situations:
UÊAsk someone else to change his or her behavior . For example, ask your
roommate to wash his or her dishes rather than leaving dirty dishes lying
around. Or, ask another person to stop talking in a movie theater.
UÊStay stopped in your car for a few seconds when the light turns green .
Pretend you are changing the radio station or that you didn’t notice the
light turn green. The drivers who are backed up behind you eventually may
become frustrated and honk their horns. This should be your signal to drive
away.
UÊSay no when you don’t want to do something . If someone asks you to do
something that you don’t want to do (for example, donate money that you
can’t afford, purchase an item from a telemarketer, do more than your fair | shyness_social.pdf |
751937c22f57-1 | share of work, and so on), say no in an assertive (though polite) way. Again,
we recommend that you read chapter 10 for suggestions regarding assertive
communication.
UÊReturn an item to a store . Return a book, an article of clothing, or some
other item to a store. In most cases, the staff at the store will gladly take
back the item. However, sometimes you may encounter a negative response,
which will provide you with the opportunity to get used to this uncom -
fortable situation. To really test yourself, try to return an item without
a receipt, without the original packaging, or after the allowed period for
returns has passed. The store may not take back the item, but you will get
an opportunity to practice dealing with possible conflict.
UÊSend food back in a restaurant . Ask your server to take your food back (for
instance, to change the dressing on your salad, make your soup hotter, cook
your food more thoroughly, or bring you a different drink).
UÊTake an extra long time at a bank machine when there are people waiting
behind you . For example, make several deposits, transfer funds from one | shyness_social.pdf |
e75abafb507e-0 | Exposure to Social Situations
173account to another, and withdraw cash from two or more different accounts.
Make eye contact with others in line to see if they are looking impatient.
UÊForget your money when paying for an item in a store . For example, when
you reach the front of a supermarket line, tell the cashier that you have
forgotten your wallet. Or, have more items in your cart than you can afford
to purchase. This will help you to better tolerate the possibility of inconve -
niencing the cashier and the people in line behind you.
UÊAsk a stranger to stop smoking . If you are in a restaurant or bar, or even in
a public place outdoors, try asking the person next to you to stop smoking.
Use some discretion. For example, don’t practice this if the other person
seems aggressive, likely to get angry, or is much bigger than you are.
Now, can you think of other possible practices that involve some risk of mild con -
flict? If so, record them in the space below:
Other Practices
Practices Involving Being the Center of Attention
Here are some suggestions for ways to draw attention to yourself. If you are afraid
of looking foolish, standing out in a crowd, or simply being observed by others, try some
of these exercises:
UÊSay something incorrectly . Purposefully answer a question incorrectly in class,
provide someone with incorrect information, or mispronounce a word.
UÊSpeak loudly . Speak loudly in a public place (for example, at a mall, in a bus,
or on the subway), so that others around you can hear your conversation.
UÊHave a mobile phone or pager go off in a public place . Arrange for someone | shyness_social.pdf |
e75abafb507e-1 | to page you or call you on your cell phone while you are at the dentist, eating
at a restaurant, or walking through a public place. Use some discretion here.
For example, don’t try this practice during a college exam, a job interview, or
while at a movie, unless your intention is to annoy the people around you.
UÊDrop something . Drop your keys, your books, or some other item in a
public place. Or, spill water all over your shirt. | shyness_social.pdf |
d17505870683-0 | The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook
174UÊTalk about yourself. When speaking with other people, talk about your
family, your job, your hobbies, or some other aspect of your personal life.
Offer your opinions about political issues, books that you have read recently,
or movies that you have seen.
UÊParticipate in a party game . For example, play Twister, Pictionary,
Scattergories, Outburst, Trivial Pursuit, or some other game with friends,
coworkers, or your family.
UÊWear your shirt or dress inside out or backward . Walk around a public
place while making a fashion faux pas. The more outrageous, the better.
For example, wear shoes that don’t match. Wear a plaid shirt with striped
pants. Wear your dress or shirt inside out (this exercise is even better if your
dress or shirt has shoulder pads), or wear a formal evening gown during the
day. With practice, you will become much less concerned about looking
conspicuous.
UÊKnock over a display in a store . For example, knock over a few rolls of
paper towels or toilet paper in the supermarket. Again, it is important to use
good judgment. For example, don’t knock over glass jars of tomato sauce.
That would be going too far!
Now, can you think of other possible practices that involve being the center of
attention? If so, record them in the space below:
Other Practices
Practices Involving Eating or Drinking with Others
People who fear drinking in front of others are often concerned about having shaky
hands and spilling their drinks. Those who are fearful of eating in front of others may be | shyness_social.pdf |
d17505870683-1 | nervous about making a mess, looking unattractive while eating, or feeling flushed from
eating hot foods. You should choose to practice exposure in situations that will challenge
your specific anxieties. For example, if you are more anxious when eating messy foods,
you should order foods that are more likely to be messy. If you’re nervous about blushing
or sweating, order hot soup or a spicy meal. A list of situations offering an opportunity
to eat or drink in front of others is provided here: | shyness_social.pdf |
4f484e3ebaff-0 | Exposure to Social Situations
175UÊEat a snack at your desk. If your desk at work is in an open area, eat a snack
at your desk. This may be easier than eating with your coworkers. When
this exercise becomes easier, you can move to other practices, such as those
in the rest of this list.
UÊHold a drink at a party or gathering . If you tend to be anxious when holding
a glass of wine or a soft drink in front of others, try doing just that the next
time you’re at a party or other social gathering. Try not to hide your hands
if they begin to shake. If alcohol tends to decrease your anxiety, make sure
you don’t drink wine, beer, or spirits until after your anxiety has decreased
on its own.
UÊHave lunch with coworkers . You probably eat lunch every day. You might
as well eat with other people, if the opportunity arises. If your natural ten -
dency is to eat at your desk or to eat lunch in restaurants alone, invite a
coworker to join you for lunch once or twice every week.
UÊMeet a friend at a restaurant for dinner . If you tend to feel safer in dark
restaurants, challenge yourself by choosing a more brightly lit location. Try
to choose a seat where you are more likely to be observed by the other
people in the restaurant.
UÊInvite people over for a meal . For example, invite two or three friends or
neighbors over for dinner.
UÊDine at other people’s homes . If you tend to decline invitations to eat at
other people’s homes, accept the invitation next time. You may find it more
difficult to do so if you are concerned about not being able to control the | shyness_social.pdf |
4f484e3ebaff-1 | difficult to do so if you are concerned about not being able to control the
environment (such as the lighting), who the other guests are, and what types
of food are served, but don’t use these as reasons to avoid the situation.
UÊDine alone in a restaurant, food court, or another public place . If eating
alone in public makes you anxious, having lunch alone in a restaurant or
food court is an appropriate practice. You might also want to consider eating
in other public places, such as sitting on a bench in a park or in a shopping
mall.
Can you think of other possible practices that involve eating or drinking in front of
others? If so, record them in the space below:
Other Practices | shyness_social.pdf |
f428f4e096ae-0 | The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook
176Practices Involving Writing in Front of Others
As a rule, people who are uncomfortable writing in front of others are concerned
about having shaky hands while they are writing. They also may be fearful of others
judging their handwriting or noticing personal information that they may be record -
ing. Examples of situations that can provide an opportunity to write in front of others
include the following:
UÊPay for items using a check . Instead of paying with cash or a debit card,
write a check when purchasing merchandise in a store. Be sure to complete
the check in front of the cashier (don’t write out the check before you get
to the store: that’s cheating). If you’re concerned about having the cashier
notice your shaky hands, try making your hands shake purposefully. In fact,
to really challenge your fear, let your hands shake so much that you have to
write a whole new check.
UÊWrite a letter while seated in a public place . Write a letter to a friend while
sitting in a café, riding on a bus, or relaxing on a public bench. Make sure
that there are others around who can see you writing.
UÊFill out forms or applications in front of other people . For example, com -
plete an application for a new credit card or loan at a bank (with the bank
officer watching), complete an application for a new video-store member -
ship, fill out a contest ballot in front of a cashier, or sign documents in front
of your coworkers.
Can you think of other possible practices that involve writing in front of other
people? If so, record them in the space below:
Other Practices
Practices Involving Job Interviews | shyness_social.pdf |
f428f4e096ae-1 | Other Practices
Practices Involving Job Interviews
To become more comfortable with job interviews, the best exposure practices are
those that provide experiences similar to real job interviews. Some examples include:
UÊApply for a volunteer position. Many volunteer opportunities (for example,
in hospitals, schools, theater companies, charitable organizations, community | shyness_social.pdf |
ab78ffbdfe46-0 | Exposure to Social Situations
177agencies, and so on) begin with an interview process that is very similar to
an interview for a paying job. You may feel less pressure if you know that
you’re applying for a nonpaying position. If so, this would be a good place
to start. In addition to giving the employer the opportunity to meet you,
another purpose of an interview is to give you a chance to evaluate the posi -
tion. Applying for a volunteer position does not commit you to accepting it
if it’s offered. If you decide it isn’t for you, you can always turn it down. If
you apply for several volunteer jobs, you will become more comfortable with
the entire interview process.
UÊPractice interviews with family members or friends . Practicing job inter -
views with friends or family members is another good way to begin the
process of overcoming anxiety over job interviews. You will need to coach
your friend or family member about the nature of the interview and the role
that he or she should take. You may also want to work up to having some
of these role-play interviews become particularly challenging (for example,
have your helper play the role of a hostile interviewer), so you can learn to
be more comfortable with difficult interviews in real life.
UÊApply for jobs that are not particularly interesting to you . A great way of
learning to overcome a fear of job interviews is to practice interviewing for
jobs that are not high on your list. You might as well learn how to interview
more effectively in situations in which you have little to lose. By practicing
interviewing for jobs you don’t particularly want, you will be better pre -
pared when it comes time to interview for a job that interests you. | shyness_social.pdf |
ab78ffbdfe46-1 | pared when it comes time to interview for a job that interests you.
UÊApply for jobs that interest you . If you are looking for a new job, eventu -
ally you must be able to interview for the job you want. The more jobs you
apply for, the more interviews you will be offered. The more interviews that
you get, the more opportunities you will have to practice your interviewing
skills and to overcome your fear of being interviewed. Although it’s reason -
able to start the process by interviewing for jobs that are not particularly
interesting to you, you should also be applying for jobs that you might really
be interested in accepting.
Can you think of other possible practices that involve interviewing for a job? If so,
record them in the space below:
Other Practices | shyness_social.pdf |
4f3cc3ddd12d-0 | The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook
178Practices Involving Being in Public
For some people, just being around other people is anxiety provoking, even if there
is no interaction or direct social contact. If being in a public place is difficult for you,
here are some examples of public places where you may be able to practice exposure.
Remember to practice frequently and to stay long enough for your fear to decrease. If
you must leave the situation, try to return to it as soon as possible.
UÊGo to a mall or supermarket . Shopping is a good way of exposing yourself
to other people in a public place. Try shopping when the stores are more
crowded to challenge your fearful thoughts even more.
UÊMake eye contact in a public place . If appropriate, make eye contact with
other people while you walk down the street or while sitting on a bus or
subway. Of course, for safety reasons, this may not be wise in some cities,
particularly at night, or in dangerous parts of town.
UÊGo to a concert or sporting event . A guaranteed place to encounter lots
of other people is at a large concert, sporting event, movie theater, or other
entertainment venue. If you prefer to sit in an aisle seat or near the exit (for
a quick escape), try sitting in the middle of the row and away from the exit.
UÊRead in a public place . Spend some time reading your favorite book, a
newspaper, or a new novel at a coffee shop or library.
UÊJoin a gym or take an aerobics class . Rather than exercising alone, practice
exercising in front of others. For example, join an aerobics class and take a | shyness_social.pdf |
4f3cc3ddd12d-1 | spot near the front of the room. Or, lift weights near other people who are
more experienced and stronger than you are.
Can you think of other possible practices that involve being in public? If so, record
them in the space below:
Other Practices
Practices Involving Speaking to Authority Figures
Going out of your way to make contact with people in authority who make you feel
uncomfortable is an effective way to learn how to be more comfortable with authority | shyness_social.pdf |
c5d48c45bec0-0 | Exposure to Social Situations
179figures. Examples of relevant exposure practices are listed below. If any of these are
situations in which you would like to feel more comfortable, they may be appropriate
practices for you to try.
UÊHave a meeting with your boss or teacher . If you are a student, ask your
teacher to meet with you to discuss a difficult homework assignment. If you
are working, ask your boss for an appointment to discuss your performance
or some other aspect of your job.
UÊAsk a pharmacist questions about a medication . If you are taking any medi -
cations, ask a pharmacist to answer particular questions about the medica -
tion (for example, side effects, interactions with other medications, how to
get refills, and so on). If you’re not taking any medications, you can still ask
questions, perhaps on behalf of a friend or family member.
UÊAsk your doctor to explain a particular medical issue . Make an appoint -
ment with your family doctor to ask questions about symptoms that you
may be experiencing. Be sure to have your questions answered.
UÊMeet with your bank manager . For example, arrange to meet with your
bank’s manager or loan officer to discuss the possibility of obtaining a loan
or mortgage.
UÊMeet with a lawyer . For example, meet with a lawyer to discuss estate plan -
ning (writing a will) or some other legal issue that you are dealing with.
UÊMeet with an accountant or financial advisor . Hire an accountant with
whom you feel intimidated to do your taxes, or meet with an intimidating
financial advisor to get investment advice.
Can you think of other possible practices that involve interacting with people in | shyness_social.pdf |
c5d48c45bec0-1 | Can you think of other possible practices that involve interacting with people in
authority? If so, record them in the space below:
Other Practices
CHALLENGING YOUR WORST FEARS
By repeatedly exposing yourself to anxiety-provoking situations, you will continue to
challenge most of your deeply held beliefs and predictions concerning your ability | shyness_social.pdf |
c93cd35114d5-0 | The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook
180to cope with social and performance situations. Ideally, exposure practices should be
designed to test the validity of your anxious assumptions. For example, if you are fearful
of saying something foolish during a conversation at a party, it’s not enough simply to
attend parties, although just attending may be a reasonable first step. To more thor -
oughly challenge such an anxiety-provoking belief, you also would need to talk to other
people at the party. By having numerous conversations with others, eventually you will
learn that most of what you say is not foolish at all.
After reaching a certain level of comfort talking to other people at parties, the next
step might be to practice saying something silly or foolish purposefully and to evalu -
ate the consequences. This exercise would help to challenge your anxious beliefs at an
even deeper level. Chances are that even if you did say something foolish at a party, the
consequences would be minimal. With this type of exposure practice, you would learn
not only that you can engage in effective conversations with others, but that even if you
make a mistake from time to time, it doesn’t really matter.
The strategies discussed in this section are useful for increasing the intensity of your
exposure practices by testing out the validity of your “What if?” thoughts. Rather than
dwelling on questions like “What if I make a mistake?” or “What if I draw attention to
myself?” we suggest that you try to answer these questions by purposefully making a
mistake or purposefully drawing attention to your behavior. In all likelihood, you will
discover that nothing terrible happens.
Purposefully Making Mistakes or Trying to Look Stupid
When you have begun feeling more comfortable in some of your feared situations, | shyness_social.pdf |
c93cd35114d5-1 | When you have begun feeling more comfortable in some of your feared situations,
a reasonable next step is to make some small mistakes purposefully, or to do things that
make you look foolish or stupid. Examples of this kind of purposeful behavior include
pronouncing a word incorrectly while speaking to your boss, asking an obvious question
in class, or bumping into a door. There is no need to make big mistakes (for example,
purposefully failing an exam or crashing your car). Small mistakes will work just fine, and
the consequences will be minimal.
Purposefully Drawing Attention to Yourself
If being the center of attention is difficult for you, your exposure practices should
include attempts to draw the attention of others to your behavior. For example, rather
than arriving early or on time for a movie or a class, try arriving a few minutes late,
so that everyone is aware of you when you enter the room. You may feel embarrassed
momentarily, but you will learn from the practice that the whole experience doesn’t
matter, even minutes later. Your embarrassment will be temporary. Also, people prob -
ably will forget about your late arrival almost instantly and soon will be thinking about
other things. | shyness_social.pdf |
b52b3dc88177-0 | Exposure to Social Situations
181Purposefully Increasing Your Anxiety Symptoms
In addition to entering the situations you fear, a more complete test of your anxiety-
provoking beliefs is to deliberately arouse some of the symptoms that frighten you in
social or performance situations. Chapter 9 discusses these strategies in some detail.
Some examples of possible exposure exercises include the following: wetting your fore -
head (to simulate sweating) before giving a presentation, purposefully appearing to lose
your train of thought during a meeting or presentation, and purposefully allowing your
hands to shake while writing or holding a drink. By deliberately bringing on the symp -
toms you fear (in a predictable and controlled way), you will learn to be less frightened
of having these symptoms show in front of others.
Expressing Personal Opinions
Finally, if you are afraid to express personal opinions during a conversation, just
engaging in conversations, without expressing personal opinions, will not be enough to
test the validity of your fearful beliefs. Conversation alone will not teach you that your
fears are unfounded. Instead, you should make sure that you express your feelings or
opinions during your exposure practices.
DEVELOPING A SITUATIONAL EXPOSURE
HIERARCHY
Before beginning exposure therapy, it is helpful to generate a list of very specific situ -
ations that range in difficulty from mildly to extremely anxiety-producing. This list of
situations, called a situational exposure hierarchy , will help to guide your exposure practices.
Usually, the situations on the hierarchy include details that take into account particular
themes that contribute to how much fear you are likely to experience. These themes may
include the size of the group or audience (for example, it may be easier to talk to one person | shyness_social.pdf |
b52b3dc88177-1 | than five people; five people may be easier to handle than fifty), the length of time involved
(for instance, a five-minute conversation vs. a thirty-minute conversation), your relationship
with the other person (for example, a family member vs. a stranger), and so on.
Two examples of situational exposure hierarchies follow. The first hierarchy is for a
person with the fear of public speaking, and the second is for someone who experiences
social anxiety in many different situations (in other words, generalized social anxiety).
Note that the hierarchy items are very specific with respect to the duration of the prac -
tice, the types of people present, and other relevant variables. Developing specific items
is important because it’s difficult to develop practices based on overly vague hierar -
chy items. Fear and avoidance ratings are based on a scale ranging from 0 (no fear, no
avoidance) to 100 (maximum fear, complete avoidance). | shyness_social.pdf |
6e2f4a124323-0 | The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook
182Sample Situational Exposure Hierarchy: Public Speaking
Situation Fear Avoidance
1. Give a 1-hour, formal lecture to 200 strangers about a
topic that I don’t know well.100 100
2. Give a 1-hour, formal lecture to 30 strangers about a topic
that I don’t know well.99 100
3. Give a 1-hour, formal lecture to 200 strangers about a
familiar topic.90 100
4. Give a 1-hour, formal lecture to 30 strangers about a
familiar topic.85 100
5. Give a 1-hour, informal presentation to 20 coworkers
about an unfamiliar topic.85 90
6. Give a 1-hour, informal presentation to 20 coworkers
about a familiar topic.70 70
7. Give a 1-hour, informal presentation to 20 young children
about my work.65 65
8. Make comments or ask questions in a large meeting (more
than 15 people).50 60
9. Make comments or ask questions in a small meeting (5 or
6 people).40 40
10. Offer to make a toast at a family dinner. 35 35 | shyness_social.pdf |
823dc8a091c2-0 | Exposure to Social Situations
183Sample Situational Exposure Hierarchy: Generalized Social Anxiety
Situation Fear Avoidance
1. Give a 1-hour, formal lecture to 30 coworkers about a
familiar topic.100 100
2. Have a party at my home for my coworkers. 95 95
3. Ask Pat out for a dinner date. 90 100
4. Answer a personal ad in the newspaper. 85 100
5. Attend the annual holiday party at work without drinking
alcohol.85 85
6. Attend a tea for a coworker who is retiring. 70 70
7. Have a formal dinner with Rita (a friend). 70 75
8. Talk about personal feelings or opinions with my
coworkers.60 60
9. Have a fast-food lunch with Rita. 60 50
10. Have a conversation with the person sitting next to me on
a bus.50 50
11. Ask someone for directions or for the time. 45 45
12. Call Rita on the telephone. 40 40
13. Eat alone in a crowded food court at the mall. 40 40
14. Walk around at a crowded mall. 35 35
15. Answer the telephone without checking my caller ID. 30 30
To generate your own hierarchy, refer back to the suggested exposure practices in
this chapter as well as to the results of your self-assessment in chapter 3. Choose situations
that range in difficulty from slightly anxiety-provoking to completely overwhelming.
Record these situations in order of difficulty (starting with the most anxiety-pro -
voking at the top) in the spaces provided on the following blank Situational Exposure | shyness_social.pdf |
823dc8a091c2-1 | voking at the top) in the spaces provided on the following blank Situational Exposure
Hierarchy Form. Next, rate each situation to describe the level of fear you would feel
if you were in that situation right now (use any number from 0 to 100, where 0 = no
fear; 25 = mild fear; 50 = moderate fear; 75 = intense fear; and 100 = very intense
fear). Finally, using a 0- to 100-point scale, indicate how much you would tend to avoid
each situation on your hierarchy (0 = do not avoid the situation; 25 = hesitate to enter
situation, but rarely avoid it; 50 = sometimes avoid the situation; 75 = usually avoid the
situation; 100 = always avoid the situation). | shyness_social.pdf |
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184Situational Exposure Hierarchy Form
Situation Fear
(0–100)Avoidance
(0–100)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15. | shyness_social.pdf |
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185IMAGINED EXPOSURE TO SOCIAL SITUATIONS
Whenever possible, in vivo exposure (actual exposure to feared situations) is preferable
to exposure in the imagination. In fact, imagined exposure is rarely used for treating
social anxiety. Still, exposure in the imagination may be useful either when the real situ -
ation is too overwhelming for you to enter or when you are unable to confront the actual
situation for practical reasons (for instance, you have an upcoming college exam and no
earlier opportunities to practice taking it).
Imagined exposure may be helpful to prepare you to enter the actual situation.
When you are using imagined exposure, the guidelines are generally the same as for in
vivo exposure. For example, practices should be frequent (if possible, daily) and should
continue until your fear decreases (for example, thirty to sixty minutes). Whenever pos -
sible, imagined exposure should be followed by in vivo exposure in the actual situation.
When conducting imagined exposure practices, close your eyes and try to imagine
the situation as vividly as possible. Some people find it helpful to make a tape recording
describing the situation in detail and then listen to the tape during subsequent practices.
Other people find it helpful simply to imagine being in the situation, without the help of
a recorded description. Either way, it’s important to imagine the experience vividly, so
that it feels as real as possible. Your imagined exposure practices should produce many
of the same feelings that are produced by real exposure, although the intensity of these
feelings may be lower during imagined exposure. We recommend that you ask yourself
the following questions to help bring the experience to life:
UÊWhat do I see around me? What do my surroundings look like? Who else
is here? | shyness_social.pdf |
516ee243ca38-1 | is here?
UÊWhat is happening in this situation?
UÊWhat emotions am I feeling?
UÊWhat thoughts am I thinking?
UÊWhat physical sensations am I experiencing? How intense are they?
UÊWhat is my environment like? Is it hot? Humid?
UÊWhat am I doing while in this situation?
UÊWhat sounds am I hearing?
UÊWhat odors am I sensing? | shyness_social.pdf |
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186SITUATIONAL ROLE-PLAY
A situational role-play is an exposure practice in which you rehearse being in a simulated
social situation before actually entering the real situation. Role-play can provide you
with exposure practice without creating the same social risks that are sometimes present
in the actual situation. In other words, you have less to lose during simulated exposures,
compared with real-life exposures. Below are some examples of how to use situational
role-plays to improve your level of comfort, as well as to improve your skills for dealing
with particular social situations:
UÊBefore giving a formal presentation at work, practice giving your talk to
several friends and relatives. Ask your simulated audience for feedback. If
possible, repeat this role-play practice several times.
UÊIf you’re nervous about making small talk with strangers at parties, ask
your partner (or any close friend or relative) to pretend to be an unfamiliar
person. Imagine that you have both arrived early for a party and are waiting
in the living room while the host prepares food in the kitchen. Practice
engaging in small talk, as if you have just met for the first time.
UÊIf you have an upcoming job interview, you can prepare by having friends
or relatives simulate interviewing you for a job.
UÊIn order to practice asking another individual out on a date, you could
rehearse what you might say with a close friend or relative. | shyness_social.pdf |
1f5f40304996-0 | Exposure to Social Situations
187In the spaces below, record several more simulated exposure role-plays you could
use to begin confronting the situations that you fear:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. | shyness_social.pdf |
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188USING EXPOSURE RECORDS AND DIARIES
Keeping good records during exposure practices will help you to monitor your progress
over time. The Exposure Monitoring Form at the end of this chapter is an example of a
diary that can be used to record your experiences during exposure practices. In addition,
this form is designed to help you challenge your anxious thoughts during exposure prac -
tices. Note that although the Exposure Monitoring Form may seem somewhat complex
at first, with practice it will become easier to complete.
At the top of the form, you should describe the particular situation that you’re
practicing; the date, time, and duration of the practice; and your fear level before and
after the practice (use a 0- to 100-point scale, where 0 = no fear and 100 = maximum
fear). The middle part of the form is used for testing the validity of your fearful beliefs
and predictions regarding the exposure practice. The first three columns are completed
before the practice, and the last column is completed after the practice.
In the first column, record your emotional response to the upcoming practice
(responses like fear or nervousness). The second and third columns are used for record -
ing your fearful beliefs and predictions, as well as the evidence regarding the validity
of these predictions. (Chapter 6 has many examples of possible fearful beliefs as well
as instructions on how to evaluate the evidence concerning these thoughts.) After the
practice is completed, record the outcome of the practice (what actually happened), any
new evidence generated by the practice, and what you learned about the accuracy of
your original anxiety-provoking thoughts and predictions.
In the lower part of the form, there is space to record your fear level periodically | shyness_social.pdf |
8184d03894fb-1 | In the lower part of the form, there is space to record your fear level periodically
during the practice, using a scale ranging from 0 (no fear) to 100 (maximum fear). The
frequency with which you record your fear ratings will depend on the duration of the
practice. For example, ratings might be recorded every minute for a practice lasting ten
minutes, or every thirty minutes for a practice lasting all day. There is space to provide
up to twenty fear ratings during the practice, though you will probably not need that
many. The last step is to plan for your next practice by answering the question, “Based
on this experience, what exposure will I do next?”
A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO CONDUCTING
EXPOSURE TO SOCIAL SITUATIONS
A comprehensive exposure-based treatment should include the following steps:
UÊDevelop a situational exposure hierarchy. Although the hierarchy should
be used to guide your exposure practices, you can be flexible. For example,
feel free to work on situations that are not on your hierarchy. In addition,
you may decide to revise your hierarchy as particular situations become less
anxiety-provoking. | shyness_social.pdf |
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189UÊPlan your exposure practices on a week-by-week basis. At the start of each
week, you should have a good idea of the types of practices that you will
conduct over the coming week, as well as the dates and times you’ll conduct
these practices.
UÊDevelop a long-term exposure plan. You should have an idea of the types
of situations in which you are likely to conduct exposure practices over
the coming months. Of course, this plan probably will change frequently,
depending on the results of your practices each week.
UÊStart with exposure to situations that are near the bottom or middle of
your hierarchy. If a situation is too difficult, try something easier. If a prac -
tice doesn’t create anxiety, try something more difficult.
UÊGradually increase the difficulty level of practices. As exposures to par -
ticular situations become easier, begin practicing exposure in situations that
are more anxiety-provoking.
INTEGRATING SITUATIONAL EXPOSURE
STRATEGIES INTO YOUR TREATMENT PLAN
Although exposure to feared situations is perhaps the most important technique for
overcoming your fear, the exposure methods described in this chapter (and in chapter 7)
are often most effective when they are used as part of a comprehensive treatment plan.
In addition to situational exposure, your treatment should include the cognitive strate -
gies described in chapter 6, which will help you to reinterpret your experiences during
exposure to feared situations. As we reviewed earlier in this book, we recommend that
you first practice the cognitive techniques for several weeks before formally beginning
exposure practices.
Also, your treatment program may include medication (chapter 5), exposure to | shyness_social.pdf |
5a3012179fdc-1 | Also, your treatment program may include medication (chapter 5), exposure to
feared sensations (chapter 9), and social-skills practices (chapter 10), depending on your
own personal needs and preferences. As you will see, these strategies are typically used
in the context of your own situational exposure practices. Exposure is the foundation
around which the other treatment strategies are introduced. | shyness_social.pdf |
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190
Exposure Monitoring Form
Exposure Situation Date and Time
Initial Fear Level (0-100) Fear Level at End (0–100) Duration of Exposure
COMPLETE BEFORE THE EXPOSURE PRACTICE COMPLETE AFTER THE EXPOSURE PRACTICE
What emotions (e.g.,
fear, anger) do you
have as you think
about doing this
exposure?What anxiety-provoking thoughts,
predictions, and assumptions do
you have about the exposure?
What do you expect will happen
during the exposure practice?What
evidence do
you have that
your fearful
thoughts are
true?1. What was the outcome of this practice? What
actually happened?
2. What evidence did you gain from this practice?
How accurate were your original thoughts and
predictions?
1. Outcome of Practice
2. Evidence Gained
Fear Ratings (0–100)
Provide occasional fear ratings (0–100) over the course of the exposure practice. For example, for a 20-minute exposure practice, record
ratings every 5 minutes or so. For a 2-hour exposure practice, record ratings every 15 minutes or so. Space is provided for a total of 20
ratings over the course of the practice.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
Based on this experience, what exposure practice will you complete next? | shyness_social.pdf |
139f31713881-1 | Based on this experience, what exposure practice will you complete next?
© 2000 Peter J. Bieling, Ph.D., and Martin M. Antony, Ph.D. Reprinted with permission. | shyness_social.pdf |
169dc0156a0b-0 | CHAPTER 9
Exposure to
Uncomfortable Sensations
Symptom exposure (also called interoceptive exposure ), involves intentional exposure to inter -
nal physical sensations, such as dizziness, racing heart, sweating, shaking, and blushing.
This technique was originally developed as a treatment for an anxiety-based condition
known as panic disorder . Panic disorder is a problem in which people experience sudden
rushes of fear without any obvious trigger or cause. People with panic disorder tend to
be very fearful of the physical sensations they experience during their panic attacks,
and they often interpret these symptoms as a sign of imminent danger or threat (like an
impending heart attack or a complete loss of control). Symptom exposure was developed
to teach those with panic disorder to stop fearing the physical feelings associated with
physical arousal and anxiety. With repeated exposure to these induced physical symp -
toms, people learn that these feelings are not dangerous, and they eventually become
less frightened of their own internal feelings and sensations.
Anxiety over experiencing physical arousal symptoms is not unique to panic dis -
order. A number of studies (Chambless and Gracely 1989; Taylor, Koch, and McNally
1992) have found that people with other anxiety-based problems are also often anxious
about experiencing certain physical sensations. This includes people with social anxiety,
where the fear may be strongest for sensations that might be visible to others, including
blushing, sweating, shaking, and losing one’s train of thought. Just as symptom exposure
leads to reduced fear of sensations in people with panic disorder, it makes sense that
deliberately exposing oneself to feared symptoms while in social situations might lead to
decreased fear of sensations for people with high levels of social anxiety. By combining | shyness_social.pdf |
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192symptom exposure and situational exposure, you will learn that you can not only toler -
ate being in feared situations with your usual levels of physical arousal, but that you can
tolerate the situation even when your feared physical sensations are particularly intense.
By bringing on these sensations in a controlled and predicable way, you will learn to be
less anxious about experiencing them in social situations.
Although there hasn’t been much research on the use of symptom exposure in social
anxiety, we have found that this technique is often helpful for those who suffer from
excessive social and performance fears (Antony and Swinson 2000; Antony and Rowa
2008). The techniques described in this chapter are not meant to be used instead of
the strategies described in earlier chapters. In fact, to overcome your social anxiety, the
most important strategies are the cognitive techniques described in chapter 6 and the
situational exposure strategies described in chapters 7 and 8. You should not attempt to
use symptom exposure until you have practiced the strategies described in chapters 6
through 8 and are thoroughly familiar with them.
Furthermore, before attempting the symptom exposure techniques, you should
be very familiar with the basic rules of exposure. As reviewed in chapter 7, exposure
works best if it is practiced frequently, if each practice lasts long enough to show that
your feared consequences don’t come true, and if practices are predictable and under
your control. In addition, the cognitive strategies described in chapter 6 should be used
to combat anxious thinking before, during, and after your exposure practices. Finally,
during your exposure practices, you should not use subtle avoidance techniques such as
distraction, drug or alcohol use, or other safety behaviors (for example, wearing makeup | shyness_social.pdf |
b8519f956a6f-1 | distraction, drug or alcohol use, or other safety behaviors (for example, wearing makeup
to hide blushing).
INTRODUCTION TO SYMPTOM EXPOSURE
Symptom exposure involves using specific exercises to bring on physical sensations that
make you uncomfortable or anxious. Initially, the exercises are practiced in “safe” situa -
tions, like your home. After you get used to the exercises, the next step is to try them
in anxiety-provoking situations, such as immediately before entering a social or perfor -
mance situation. Examples of symptom exposure exercises are listed here, along with
the sensations they typically trigger (Antony et al. 2006; Antony and Swinson 2000).
In addition to this list, there are many other possible exercises that can be used. For
example, if you are afraid of a choking or gagging feeling in your throat, wearing a
necktie or scarf may be a good way of creating this feeling for the purpose of exposure
therapy. It’s best to consider these exercises only as a partial list. At the end of the list,
there is space for you to record additional exercises that might be useful for triggering
symptoms that you fear. | shyness_social.pdf |
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193Examples of Symptom Exposure Exercises and Typical Sensations Experienced
Symptom Exposure Exercise Typical Sensations
Shake head from side to side (30 sec.) Dizziness, faintness, lightheadedness
Spin around in a swivel chair (60 sec.) Dizziness, faintness, lightheadedness
Hyperventilate (shallow breathing at a
rate of about 100–120 breaths per min.;
60 sec.)Breathlessness or smothering feelings,
dizziness or lightheadedness, racing
or pounding heart, feeling unreal,
trembling or shaking, numbness or
tingling sensations
Breathe through a small, narrow straw
(plug your nose if necessary; 2 min.)Breathlessness or smothering feelings,
racing or pounding heart, choking
feelings, dizziness or lightheadedness,
chest tightness, trembling or shaking
Tense all the muscles in the body (60
sec. or as long as possible)Trembling or shaking, breathlessness
or smothering feelings, racing or
pounding heart, dizziness or
lightheadedness, blushing
Carry heavy weights or bags (60 sec. or
as long as possible)Trembling or shaking, breathlessness or
smothering feelings, racing or pounding
heart, dizziness or lightheadedness,
hot flushes
Run on the spot or run up and down
stairs (60 sec.)Racing or pounding heart, breathlessness
or smothering feelings, chest tightness,
sweating, trembling or shaking, blushing
Sit in a hot, stuffy space (for example, | shyness_social.pdf |
2c1724f6b4ec-1 | Sit in a hot, stuffy space (for example,
a sauna, hot car, or small room with
a space heater; 5 to 10 min.) or wear
overly warm clothingSweating, breathlessness or smothering
feelings, hot flushes, blushing
Have a hot drink or hot soup Sweating, blushing, hot flushes
Other Exercises to Trigger Sensations I Fear
Exercise Symptoms | shyness_social.pdf |
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194IS SYMPTOM EXPOSURE FOR YOU?
Although symptom exposure is likely to be helpful for many who suffer from social
anxiety, it’s usually possible to reduce social anxiety without this particular strategy. In
fact, for some people, there may be little reason to use these exercises at all. Symptom
exposure is likely to be helpful to you if either of the following statements is true:
UÊYou are generally afraid of experiencing anxiety symptoms such as a rapidly
beating heart, dizziness, shaking, blushing, or sweating.
UÊYou are afraid of experiencing anxiety symptoms in front of other people.
If you’re fearful of experiencing physical arousal feelings in general or when in social
or performance situations, we recommend trying the exercises described in this chapter.
However, if you are not fearful of the sensations that you experience when anxious, and
you are not concerned about others noticing your anxiety symptoms, then there is no
need to practice these exercises. In fact, you can skip ahead to chapter 10.
HOW DOES SYMPTOM EXPOSURE WORK?
Like situational exposure, symptom exposure is believed to decrease fear by disprov -
ing a person’s fearful beliefs, assumptions, and predictions. By deliberately bringing on
uncomfortable feelings in a controlled and predictable way, you will learn that (1) you
can control the sensations that normally appear to be uncontrollable and (2) even if you
do experience noticeable physical feelings in front of other people, the consequences
are likely to be minimal.
By learning to allow yourself to be anxious in front of other people, and to allow
others to observe your anxiety symptoms, eventually you will become less concerned
about your anxiety reactions and about what people think when they notice your shaking, | shyness_social.pdf |
caaa82bafd9b-1 | about your anxiety reactions and about what people think when they notice your shaking,
sweating, blushing, or other signs of anxiety. By becoming less concerned about experi -
encing these feelings, you will probably become less anxious when exposed to social and
performance situations. | shyness_social.pdf |
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195A WARNING ABOUT SYMPTOM EXPOSURE
If you are healthy, the exercises described in this chapter are safe. However, if you have
certain health problems, some of the exercises could worsen your condition. For example,
if you have asthma or a bad cold, you should probably not practice hyperventilation or
breathing through a straw. If you experience neck or back pain, we recommend against
shaking your head from side to side or engaging in any exercises that could aggravate
your condition. To be safe, we recommend checking with your doctor to see if any of
these exercises are likely to be dangerous or problematic for you.
A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO SYMPTOM EXPOSURE
This section describes the four main steps involved in using symptom exposure to over -
come the fear of experiencing physical arousal sensations. These include (1) discovering
which exercises are most effective for bringing on feared symptoms, (2) developing a
symptom exposure hierarchy, (3) practicing the exercises in nonsocial situations, and (4)
combining the symptom exposure exercises with exposure practices in social situations.
Step 1: Symptom Induction Testing
Before beginning to practice symptom exposure exercises on a regular basis, you
should first determine which exercises are most likely to be effective for you. This can
be achieved by attempting each exercise at home and paying attention to the types of
symptoms that you experience, the effect of the exercises on your fear level, and how
similar the experience is to the fear that you normally experience in social situations.
The following Symptom Induction Testing Form can be used to record your responses
to each exercise. We have included space for additional exercises that you may have
identified earlier in the chapter. | shyness_social.pdf |
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196Symptom Induction Testing Form
Instructions : After trying each symptom exposure exercise, (1) record the physical sen -
sations that were experienced and (2) rate the intensity of fear experienced using a scale
of 0 (no fear) to 100 (maximum fear).
Exercise Sensations Experienced Fear (0–100)
Shake head from side to side
(30 sec.)
Spin around in a swivel chair
(60 sec.)
Hyperventilate (shallow breathing at
a rate of about 100–120 breaths per
min.; 60 sec.)
Breathe through a small, narrow
straw (plug your nose if
necessary; 2 min.)
Tense all the muscles in the body (60
sec. or as long as possible)
Carry heavy weights or bags
(60 sec. or as long as possible)
Run on the spot or run up and down
stairs (60 sec.)
Sit in a hot, stuffy space (for
example, a sauna, hot car, or small
room with a space heater; 5 to 10
min.) or wear overly warm clothing
Have a hot drink or hot soup
Other Exercise
Other Exercise | shyness_social.pdf |
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197Step 2: Developing Symptom Exposure Hierarchies
Just as the situational exposure hierarchy described in chapter 8 is used to guide your
situational exposure practices, symptom exposure hierarchies are useful for choosing appropri -
ate symptom exposure exercises. In most cases, we recommend that you develop two
symptom exposure hierarchies: one for practicing the exercises outside of social situa -
tions (see step 3) and a second hierarchy for practicing symptom exposure while in (or
immediately before entering) social or performance situations (see step 4). If you are
not at all fearful of experiencing anxiety sensations outside of social situations, then
developing a hierarchy for practicing symptom exposure in nonsocial situations is less
important. Instead, you should focus on exercises to practice while exposed to social and
performance situations.
To develop a hierarchy for symptom exposure, first eliminate any exercises that
you know will not make you anxious (based on the results of your symptom induction
testing, completed in step 1). For example, if the sensations created by physical exercise
(something like jogging) are not frightening to you at all, eliminate this exercise from
your list. Next, take the remaining exercises and put them in order of difficulty, with the
least anxiety-provoking exercise at the bottom and the most anxiety-provoking item at
the top. Record your level of expected fear for each exercise, using a scale ranging from
0 (no fear) to 100 (maximum fear). Examples of symptom exposure hierarchies reflecting
practices outside of social situations and practices in social situations follow. We have
also included space to record your own hierarchies. | shyness_social.pdf |
dcca6f451c84-1 | also included space to record your own hierarchies.
Sample Symptom Exposure Hierarchy for Practices in Nonsocial Situations
Exercise Fear Rating
(0–100)
1. Hyperventilate at home alone (1 minute). 60
2. Breathe through a straw at home alone (2 minutes). 45
3. Spin in a chair at home alone (1 minute). 35
4. Shake head from side to side at home alone (30 seconds). 30 | shyness_social.pdf |
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198My Symptom Exposure Hierarchy for Practices in Nonsocial Situations
Exercise Fear Rating
(0–100)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Sample Symptom Exposure Hierarchy for Practices in Social Situations
Exercise Fear Rating
(0–100)
1. Hold a heavy bag for 60 seconds immediately before holding a filled
glass in front of others (to induce shaky hands).100
2. Breathe through a straw for 2 minutes immediately before entering a
cocktail party and making small talk.80
3. Wear a warm sweater while giving a presentation. 80
4. Eat hot soup to induce flushing and sweating at a dinner party. 60 | shyness_social.pdf |
e22246cb41aa-0 | Exposure to Uncomfortable Sensations
1995. Run around the block before entering a party. 40
6. Hyperventilate just before calling someone on the telephone. 35
My Symptom Exposure Hierarchy for Practices in Social Situations
Exercise Fear Rating
(0–100)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Step 3: Practicing Symptom Exposure in
Nonsocial Situations
If you are not fearful of practicing the symptom exposure exercises in nonsocial
situations, it is not necessary to spend a lot of time on step 3. However, if there are
exercises that you intend to practice in social situations (step 4), we recommend that | shyness_social.pdf |
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200you first try them a few times in nonsocial situations to make sure that you are familiar
with the exercise.
If there are exercises that are anxiety-provoking for you in nonsocial situations, we
recommend that you practice them repeatedly at home or in another comfortable loca -
tion place before practicing in social situations. Use your symptom exposure hierarchy
for nonsocial situations to help you choose which exercises to practice. Begin with exer -
cises that are challenging but unlikely to be so overwhelming that you cannot complete
them. After you have chosen an exercise, set aside about fifteen minutes twice a day
to practice the exercise repeatedly. After each repetition of the exercise, take a short
break (from thirty seconds to a few minutes) until the symptoms decrease. Continue to
practice the exercise another five or six times or until your fear has decreased. Later in
this chapter, you will find a diary you can use to record the results of each practice and
to challenge any anxiety-provoking thoughts that arise during the practice.
Each time you complete an exercise, you will experience the physical symptoms
associated with it. However, your fear of the symptoms should decrease across individual
practices and across days. For example, if you are practicing hyperventilation, you will
likely continue to become hot and lightheaded each time you do the exercise. However,
over time, these feelings should become less frightening.
Step 4: Practicing Symptom Exposure in Social Situations
After you have practiced situational exposure (chapter 8) and symptom exposure
in nonsocial situations, the next step is to combine these two approaches. Combining
symptom and situational exposure is one of the most challenging types of exposure | shyness_social.pdf |
430b3cfc928f-1 | symptom and situational exposure is one of the most challenging types of exposure
that you can practice. However, this type of exposure can also provide you with the
strongest possible evidence that your anxious predictions are exaggerated or untrue. By
entering the social and performance situations that you fear and purposefully inducing
arousal sensations to enhance your fear, you will learn that these situations are man -
ageable even when you feel extremely uncomfortable. To select possible exercises for
combining symptom and situational exposure, refer back to your symptom exposure
hierarchy for practices in social situations (step 2).
INTEGRATING SYMPTOM EXPOSURE INTO
YOUR TREATMENT PLAN
As discussed earlier, we recommend that your psychological treatment program (cogni -
tive behavioral therapy) begin with the cognitive strategies discussed in chapter 6. After
practicing the cognitive techniques for several weeks, you should practice situational
exposure for several more weeks or months until you feel more comfortable in social
situations (chapters 7 and 8). Only then should you consider adding symptom exposure | shyness_social.pdf |
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201if you are still fearful of experiencing anxiety symptoms in front of others. As your fear
continues to decrease through exposure and cognitive therapy, you may also consider
working on your social and communication skills (chapter 10).
USING SYMPTOM EXPOSURE RECORDS
AND DIARIES
Keeping good records during symptom exposure practices will help you to monitor your
progress over time. The Symptom Exposure Diary at the end of this chapter will help
you to measure changes in your fear across symptom exposure practices. Furthermore,
this diary is designed to help you challenge your anxious thoughts during exposure
practices. The first column indicates the trial number (1, 2, 3, and so on). In the second
column, you should record the specific sensations that you experience. In the third
column, record your fear level during each exercise trial. Finally, the fourth and fifth
columns are for recording your anxious thoughts during the exercise and for countering
your thoughts with more realistic beliefs.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: The symptom exposure exercises don’t frighten me.
Solution: If the exercises don’t cause anxiety when you practice them in nonsocial
situations, try practicing them immediately before entering social situa -
tions. If they still don’t increase your fear, then discontinue the symptom
exposure exercises. However, you should continue to use the cognitive
strategies (chapter 6) and the situational exposure exercises (chapters 7
and 8).
Problem: The symptom exposure exercises are too overwhelming for me to complete.
Solution: If a symptom exposure exercise is too overwhelming, even when conducted
in a nonsocial situation, try an easier exercise from your hierarchy and | shyness_social.pdf |
0406555d0c5e-1 | in a nonsocial situation, try an easier exercise from your hierarchy and
don’t move on to the more difficult exercises until the easier ones become
manageable. If you find that a symptom exposure exercise is overwhelming
only when practiced in the context of a social or performance situation,
you can practice an easier exercise from your symptom exposure hierarchy
and work your way up to the more difficult exercises. Or, you can continue
to practice situational exposure without the symptom exposure exercises.
Hold off on introducing symptom exposure practices in social situations
until you are able to manage the situation on its own (without symptom
exposure). | shyness_social.pdf |
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202
Symptom Exposure Diary
Instructions : This form should be completed each time you practice symptom exposure. For each symptom exposure trial: (1) list the
physical symptoms that you experienced; (2) rate the intensity of your fear using a scale of 0 (no fear) to 100 (maximum fear); (3) list your
specific anxious predictions regarding the exercise (What might happen during the exercise?); and (4) list alternative nonanxious predictions
and evidence supporting these nonanxious predictions (countering).
Exposure Exercise
Date and Time
Trial
#Sensations Experienced Fear Anxiety-Provoking Thoughts
and PredictionsCountering
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
Adapted from Antony, M.M., and R. P. Swinson. 2000. Phobic Disorders and Panic in Adults: A Guide to Assessment and Treatment . Washington, DC: American Psychological
Association. Used with permission. | shyness_social.pdf |
85bfa1231ce5-0 | CHAPTER 10
Communicating
More Effectively
Are there times when your behavior communicates to others a message that’s different
from what you are trying to communicate? Do you freeze up in interviews? Do you tend
to avoid eye contact when talking to other people? Does your body language tell others
to stay away ? Do you read your presentations verbatim so you don’t make any mistakes?
Do others often feel as though you aren’t listening to them? Do people misinterpret
your shyness as a sign of aloofness or a snobby attitude? This chapter is all about how
to communicate effectively and to get your message across in the way you intend.
GETTING YOUR MESSAGE ACROSS
For some people, a consequence of avoiding social situations is never having the oppor -
tunity to master the communication skills that would help them deal effectively with
others. For example, if your fear has stopped you from applying for jobs or asking people
out on dates, you may not always know how to best deal with these situations (what to
say, what to wear, how to behave, and so on). The ability to interact effectively with
other people must be learned and it takes practice, just like learning to play the piano or
training to run a marathon. As you get more experience being in the situations you avoid,
and learning what works and what doesn’t, your performance is likely to improve. This
chapter provides ideas for enhancing the quality of your interactions with other people.
Most of these strategies can be used during the course of your situational exposure
practices (chapters 7 and 8). | shyness_social.pdf |
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204As you read this chapter, there are a few important points to keep in mind. First, our
purpose in writing this chapter is not to suggest that you lack social skills. In fact, most
people we have worked with who have problems with social anxiety have fine social skills
overall. If anything, your social and communication skills are probably already much
better than you think they are. Rather, our aim is to help you increase your awareness
of the different ways in which your behavior may impact others and to change specific
behaviors where appropriate.
You should also bear in mind that there is no such thing as perfect social skills. What
works best in one situation or with one group of people may not work well in another
situation or with another group. For example, the best way to ask one person out on a
date may cause a rejection from someone else. Although a particular style may help you
get one job, it may work against you for another job or with another interviewer. In other
words, no matter how well-developed your social skills are, they can never be perfect.
Like everyone, you will continue to stumble from time to time and occasionally you will
make a bad impression on other people.
Finally, the strategies described in this chapter should not be thought of as rules to
be followed by everyone. Rather, they are suggestions and guidelines that you may find
helpful in some situations. For example, we suggest that certain types of body language
(for example, standing too far away from another person during a conversation) may
be interpreted as a sign of aloofness or that you are uninterested in talking. However,
standing too close also may cause other people to feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, | shyness_social.pdf |
b765e260a7ac-1 | standing too close also may cause other people to feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately,
it’s very difficult to determine the ideal amount of “personal space.” What works well
with one person may not work as well with another. Personal space preferences also vary
across ethnic groups and subcultures. That is, among some groups, standing quite close
to the person with whom you’re speaking is the norm. But in another group that norm
might cause great discomfort. Given that it is often difficult to know how to behave in
a particular situation, it’s best not to get too caught up in whether you are using these
strategies perfectly or whether you’re making a perfect impression on others.
Examples of communication skills discussed in this chapter are provided here.
As you read through the list, pay attention to the specific skills you are interested in
improving. | shyness_social.pdf |
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205Skill Examples
Listening skills UÊListening carefully to others when they are speaking,
instead of comparing yourself to the other person, ruminat -
ing about what you will say next, and so on
Nonverbal
communication
skillsUÊMaking appropriate eye contact when talking to other people
UÊAttending to body language
UÊStanding at an appropriately close distance to other people
during conversations
UÊSmiling appropriately
UÊSpeaking with a confident tone and a volume level that
others can hear
Conversation
skillsUÊStarting and stopping conversations
UÊKeeping conversations flowing
UÊNot putting yourself down in front of others
UÊNot apologizing unnecessarily
UÊDisclosing information about yourself when appropriate
Interview skills UÊPreparing for interviews
UÊDeciding what to wear
UÊAnticipating the interviewer’s questions
UÊPreparing questions to ask
UÊWhat to do after the interview is over
Assertiveness
skillsUÊCommunicating assertively rather than in a way that is either
too passive or too aggressive; asking for what you want
UÊDealing with conflict, particularly with people with whom
you disagree or who might be angry or hostile toward you
UÊLearning the difference between imposing on others’ time
and privacy vs. making a reasonable request for help or
social contact
Skills for meeting
new people and
datingUÊBasic manners
UÊFinding people to date
UÊAsking someone to lunch or dinner
UÊGenerating conversation topics
UÊEnding a date gracefully
UÊDealing with rejection
Public speaking
and presentation | shyness_social.pdf |
6169a1e4392e-1 | UÊDealing with rejection
Public speaking
and presentation
skillsUÊEngaging the audience
UÊDesigning slides and other audiovisual aids
UÊOrganizing your talk
UÊHandling questions from the audience | shyness_social.pdf |
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206Of course, it is impossible to thoroughly cover all of these topics in a single chapter.
Indeed, numerous books have been written on each of these particular domains (pre -
sentations, interviews, dating, assertiveness, listening, and so on). For more detailed
suggestions, consult some of the recommended readings cited throughout this chapter
and in the list of additional recommended readings at the back of the book. In addi -
tion, there are a number of good books that cover a wide range of topics related to
social and communication skills. Some examples include Messages: The Communication Skills
Book (McKay, Davis, and Fanning 1995), The Messages Workbook: Powerful Strategies for Effective
Communication at Work & Home (Davis, Paleg, and Fanning 2004), and Robert Bolton’s classic
book, People Skills (1979).
Finally, you may want to check out a website that uses video to demonstrate how
to do a wide range of things—everything from sewing to cooking to magic tricks. The
site is www.videojug.com. In addition to being a great place to learn all sorts of inter -
esting skills, the site includes video demonstrations of various social behaviors, includ -
ing making a good first impression, dating, hugging, kissing, complaining appropriately,
looking approachable, and even how to give a great handshake! Just search for the
behavior you want to see.
LEARNING TO LISTEN
Communication is a two-way street. Listening effectively when you are in a conversa -
tion, being interviewed, or participating in a meeting is as important as what you say.
When you feel anxious, your attention tends to shift from the situation itself to your | shyness_social.pdf |
77a23093cd68-1 | When you feel anxious, your attention tends to shift from the situation itself to your
own experiences in the situation. In other words, you become aware of how you’re
feeling, and you begin to wonder whether your anxiety symptoms are noticeable to
the other people in the room and whether those people are judging you negatively.
At the same time, you become less aware of other aspects of the situation, including
what other people are saying. This lack of concentration on what others are saying
may reinforce your uncertainty about whether your responses are appropriate. Often,
even when you think you are listening, you may be only partially aware of what is
being said.
There are several costs to not listening. First, you may miss important informa -
tion that the other person is trying to communicate. You may hear only the parts of
the message that are consistent with your anxious beliefs, thereby increasing your
anxiety. For example, if you hear only your boss’ negative comments and miss his or
her praise during a performance evaluation, you will undoubtedly feel worse than if
you had heard the entire evaluation. Not hearing the entire message also may lead you
to respond inappropriately, sometimes to something completely different than what
was actually said. Furthermore, the other person may sense that you are not listen -
ing to what is being said. As a result, you may be perceived by that person as aloof,
distracted, or bored by the conversation. | shyness_social.pdf |
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207Blocks to Effective Listening
In Messages: The Communication Skills Book, authors McKay, Davis, and Fanning list a
number of different factors that frequently interfere with our ability to listen to others
during conversations, meetings, arguments, and other types of social interactions. Of
these, five are especially common when people feel anxious in a social situation. These
listening blocks include the following:
UÊComparing yourself to the other person . We all compare ourselves to others
as a way to evaluate our own behavior and accomplishments. However,
excessive social anxiety may be associated with the tendency to do this
more often, to make unfavorable comparisons (for instance, comparisons
with those who are more successful on a particular dimension), and to feel
bad after making such comparisons. This tendency to make negative com -
parisons while conversing (for example, criticizing yourself with unspoken
comments such as, “I’m not as smart as he is” or “She is more attractive than
I am”) interferes with your ability to listen to and hear what is being said.
UÊFiltering what the other person says . Filtering involves listening only to
certain parts of what the other person is saying. In social anxiety, this can
involve paying attention only to those parts of the conversation that seem
to indicate that the other person is being critical or judgmental.
UÊRehearsing what to say next . When people are overly concerned about
saying the right thing during conversations or meetings, they often rehearse
mentally how they will respond to other people’s comments rather than
truly listening to what is being said. Although you may engage in rehearsal
to make sure you say the right thing, this practice, if used too often, may | shyness_social.pdf |
1924b01076b7-1 | to make sure you say the right thing, this practice, if used too often, may
have the opposite effect.
UÊDerailing the conversation . Derailing involves switching the topic of con -
versation when it becomes either boring or uncomfortable. In social anxiety,
derailing may take place when the conversation moves into anxiety-provok -
ing areas. For example, if a coworker asks you about your weekend and
you are embarrassed to admit that you stayed home alone all weekend, you
might shift the conversation back to a work-related topic, rather than dis -
close what you perceive to be overly personal information. Derailing can
make the other person feel as though you are not listening or are not inter -
ested in the conversation.
UÊPlacating the other person . Placating involves agreeing with the other
person regardless of what he or she says in an effort to avoid potential con -
flict. Because social anxiety is associated with a fear of being disliked or neg -
atively judged, people who are socially anxious often go out of their way to
agree with others. However, most people don’t expect to have others agree | shyness_social.pdf |
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208with them all the time. If you always agree with whatever is said, it may raise
the other person’s suspicions about whether you’re really listening.
Improving Your Listening Skills
The authors of Messages provide a number of suggestions for improving listening
skills. First, they suggest that effective listening should involve active participation rather
than just sitting quietly and absorbing the information. Active listening involves main -
taining appropriate eye contact, paraphrasing what the person has said (“So, in other
words, what you are saying is . . .”), asking for clarification (asking questions to help
you understand what was said), and providing the other person with feedback (or your
reactions to what he or she said). Whenever possible, feedback should be immediate (as
soon as you understand the communication), honest (reflecting your true feelings), and
supportive (in other words, gentle and unlikely to be hurtful to the other person).
In addition, it’s important to listen with empathy . Being empathic means conveying
the idea that you genuinely understand the other person’s message as well as the feelings
he or she is experiencing. As discussed in chapter 6, there are many different ways of
interpreting a given situation. By trying to understand another person’s perspective, you
will be better able to listen and to communicate that fact. Note that it is not necessary
for you to agree with the other person’s perspective—just to understand it. However,
even when someone says something that you believe to be completely incorrect, you
probably can identify at least a small part of the message that is true. Letting the person
know that you understand his or her perspective conveys empathy, even if you don’t | shyness_social.pdf |
49bb2f4debce-1 | know that you understand his or her perspective conveys empathy, even if you don’t
agree with the overall content of what was said.
Finally, effective listening requires listening with openness and awareness. Openness
involves listening without trying to find fault. Awareness involves (1) being aware of how
a communication fits in with your own knowledge and experiences, and (2) being aware
of any inconsistencies in the verbal message itself and the nonverbal aspects of the
communication, such as tone, posture, and facial expressions.
Exercise: Effective Listening
The next time you’re in a conversation, try some of the effective listening skills described
above:
1. Make eye contact during the conversation.
2. Paraphrase what the other person says, and ask for clarification if you’re
unsure about any aspect of the communication.
3. Give feedback when appropriate, making sure that your feedback is immedi -
ate, honest, and supportive. | shyness_social.pdf |
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2094. Finally, make sure that you are listening with empathy, openness, and
awareness.
After trying this exercise in a real-life situation, come back to this chapter and list on
the lines below any ways in which the experience was different from your usual conver -
sations. Did the conversation last longer? Was it more gratifying? Did the other person
respond differently to you? Did you experience less anxiety than usual?
NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
When you feel anxious in a social situation, you probably engage in behaviors designed
to subtly avoid communicating with others. These may include avoiding eye contact,
speaking very quietly, or even avoiding the situation completely. Despite your efforts to
avoid communication, however, it’s virtually impossible not to communicate. In fact, what
you actually say in words during a conversation makes up a very small component of the
messages you communicate to others. Nonverbal aspects of communication, including
your physical distance from others, eye contact, posture, tone of voice, and vocal volume
communicate at least as much information as your verbal messages. In fact, even when
you completely stay away from a feared social situation, you communicate a message to
others. For example, if you repeatedly avoid meetings at work, others may assume that
you are shy, uninterested, or even unfriendly.
Despite wanting others to respond positively, people who are shy or socially anxious
often exhibit nonverbal behaviors that communicate to others, “Stay away from me.”
Examples of these closed nonverbal behaviors include leaning back or standing far away
from other people, avoiding eye contact, speaking quietly, crossing your arms over your
chest, clenching your fists, and maintaining a serious facial expression. Although you | shyness_social.pdf |
344d5aa7ebbd-1 | may believe that these behaviors serve as a form of protection in anxiety-provoking
situations, they tend to have the opposite effect.
Instead of protecting you from potential threat or from being judged by others,
these behaviors probably increase the likelihood that others will react negatively. For
example, at a party, people are most likely to approach someone who is smiling, making
eye contact, and talking at a reasonable volume. When someone stands far away, speaks
quietly, and avoids eye contact, it is natural to assume that the individual is either
uninterested in speaking or difficult to get to know.
Of course, moderation is the key here. Too much eye contact can make others
uncomfortable. In addition, someone who stands too close or smiles at inappropriate | shyness_social.pdf |
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210times may make others feel uneasy. Unfortunately, it is impossible to specify the appro -
priate intensity for each of these behaviors because so many variables play a role. What
is appropriate in one situation is not necessarily appropriate in another. For example,
although it’s okay to stand several inches away from a romantic partner during an inti -
mate conversation, you probably would want to stand farther back when talking to a
coworker. With respect to nonverbal communication, there are differences across gender
and across cultures. Therefore, we suggest that you experiment with using different
nonverbal behaviors to find out what works best for you in the particular situations that
you encounter from day to day.
Closed nonverbal behaviors are behaviors that close the channels of communication by
sending the message that the opportunity for contact or communication with you is unavail -
able. Below is a list of closed nonverbal behaviors often associated with social anxiety:
UÊLeaning back while sitting (vs. leaning forward)
UÊStanding far away from another person (vs. standing closer)
UÊAvoiding eye contact (vs. making appropriate eye contact)
UÊSpeaking quietly (vs. speaking at a volume that is easily heard)
UÊCrossing arms (vs. keeping arms uncrossed or making hand gestures)
UÊClenching fists (vs. keeping hands open)
UÊMaintaining a serious facial expression (vs. smiling warmly)
UÊSpeaking with a timid tone (vs. speaking with a confident tone)
UÊSitting hunched over (vs. sitting up straight)
Exercise: Open Behaviors
Do you tend to overuse any of these behaviors? If so, try to replace some of your closed | shyness_social.pdf |
e56117065334-1 | behaviors with open behaviors during the course of your exposure practices over the next
week. Record your experiences in the provided space. For example, record whether people
react differently to you when you smile more, make eye contact, or speak more loudly. | shyness_social.pdf |
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211CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS
Do you often struggle to find things to say when making casual conversation or small
talk? Do you keep quiet at parties or meetings because you find it difficult to contribute
to conversations? When you do get involved in a conversation, perhaps you find that
the discussion fizzles quickly, as you and the other person run out of things to say. In
this section, we discuss ways of starting and ending conversations, as well as methods
of improving the quality of your conversations. These suggestions may be adapted for
different types of conversations, including talking to a coworker or classmate, conversing
on a date, or speaking with a stranger while waiting in line.
Keep in mind that the suggestions in this section are not always going to work
smoothly. For example, if you start talking to someone in an elevator, the person may
respond positively or may frown and ignore you. If an individual responds negatively
when you try to make contact, remember that it’s not necessarily because you did some -
thing wrong. The other person may be shy or may be concerned about his or her safety
(having been raised never to talk to strangers). Also, it’s possible that your communica -
tion will be misunderstood. If things don’t work out during a particular practice, try to
understand why and to figure out what you can do differently next time. Learning from
your experiences will help you to plan future practices that are more likely to work out
satisfactorily.
Finally, if you want to learn more about making conversation, we recommend that
you read the third edition of Alan Garner’s book, Conversationally Speaking: Testing New Ways | shyness_social.pdf |
648d413528ea-1 | you read the third edition of Alan Garner’s book, Conversationally Speaking: Testing New Ways
to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness (1997). Another excellent book on improving
conversation skills is Talk to Me: Conversation Tips for the Small-Talk Challenged (Honeychurch
and Watrous 2003).
Starting a Conversation
Although getting a conversation started is sometimes difficult, it often becomes
easier with practice. Opportunities to start conversations are everywhere. For example,
people often speak to strangers in grocery store lines and elevators, or on buses, subways,
airplanes, and in other public places. People talk to others at parties, weddings, funer -
als, and work functions. If you are at a party, it is perfectly appropriate to walk up to
a group of people who are already talking. After a minute or two of standing around
with the group, you can join in the conversation. If you are a college student, you can
increase your opportunities for casual conversation by always sitting in the same area of
the classroom so you’ll have repeated exposure to some of the same students each time.
Also, arrive to class early so you can chat with others before class starts.
The topic of conversation should usually begin with something friendly and not too
personal, particularly if you don’t know the other individual very well. You may begin
with a question (something like, “How was your weekend?”), a compliment (“I like your
new haircut”), an observation (perhaps, “I notice that you’re not driving your usual car”), | shyness_social.pdf |
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212or an introduction (“I don’t believe we’ve met. My name is . . .”). Other appropriate
topics include: hobbies, your job, a movie or TV show you recently saw, the weather,
something you recently read, your vacation, a recent shopping trip or outing, and sports.
After you’ve been talking for a while, it may be appropriate to discuss more controversial
topics, such as politics, relationships, personal feelings, difficult family situations, and
topics related to sexuality. However, you should introduce topics such as these slowly,
and gauge the other person’s reactions before deciding how far to take the conversation.
Try to avoid getting too personal, unless you know the other person well or the other
person is disclosing similar types of personal information. At a party or on a first date,
it’s fine to talk about your work or what your parents do for a living, but it is usually best
to stay clear of weighty topics (like a past sexual assault, a recent history of depression,
and so on).
Improving the Quality of Your Conversations
Here are a few tips for improving your conversations:
UÊConversations are a two-way street . It’s not enough to just listen to another
person. Nor is it appropriate to talk only about yourself without giving the
other person a chance to speak. Of course, there are exceptions. There are
some people who are very happy to have you do all the talking or allow
them to do all the talking. However, for most of us, a conversation is far
more interesting if we have the opportunity to express our own thoughts,
feelings, and experiences and also the chance to listen to another person’s
views and experiences. | shyness_social.pdf |
f1bfe9eb9a81-1 | views and experiences.
UÊUse active listening skills . The active listening skills described earlier in the
chapter will enhance the quality of your conversations. In particular, be sure
to reflect back that you are understanding what the other person is saying.
UÊDisclose some (but not too much) information about yourself . As men -
tioned earlier, the information you disclose should not be overly personal at
first. Instead, you can start by talking about your weekend’s activities, your
favorite sports team, a movie you recently saw, or a class that you’re taking,
for example.
UÊShow interest in the other person . For instance, follow up what the other
person says by asking for clarification or requesting more details.
UÊTry a light touch . In some situations, it may be appropriate to touch the
other individual (for example, a light touch on the arm). However, only use | shyness_social.pdf |
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213touch if it can be done naturally, in a way that doesn’t seem overly forced.
Note that the appropriate use of touch varies between men and women and
across cultures. It may also be frowned on in professional settings.
UÊPay attention to detail . When telling stories, take your cues from others
when trying to decide how much detail to include. See how detailed others
are in their conversations, and model your own conversations after them. If
you notice that others are starting to look bored or look at their watches
while you tell a story, take that as a sign that it’s time to wrap it up. On the
other hand, make sure your conversation is not completely devoid of details.
Either too much detail or not enough detail can make a conversation less
engaging.
UÊGive and receive compliments . When complimenting others, make sure you
are honest (don’t say you like something if you don’t), and don’t overdo
it. Although it’s nice to receive a compliment from time to time, it can be
uncomfortable to receive too many compliments or to receive compliments
that are felt to be undeserved. If you receive a compliment from someone
else, simply say thank you. Don’t discount the compliment or make the
other person feel bad for giving it.
UÊPay attention to your nonverbal behaviors . For example, make eye contact
and speak so the other person can hear you.
Asking Questions
Asking the other person questions will communicate that you are interested in what
he or she has to say. You can ask about your conversation partner’s experiences (for
example, “How was that restaurant you went to last night?”) or you can ask for the other | shyness_social.pdf |
a031c2dda9b5-1 | person’s reaction to something you’ve said. If possible, try to use open-ended questions
rather than closed-ended questions. A closed-ended question is one that elicits a response
of only one or two words. For example, the closed-ended question “Did you like the
movie?” could easily lead to responses like “Yes” or “No,” at which point you would be
back at square one, trying to find another topic of conversation. Closed-ended questions
usually begin with words like “are,” “do,” “who,” “when,” “where,” and “which.”
In contrast, open-ended questions usually can elicit more detailed answers. Open-ended
questions are more likely than closed-ended questions to generate longer and more inter -
esting conversations. These types of question usually begin with words or phrases like
“how,” “why,” and “in what way.” For example, the question “What did you think about
the movie?” draws out a more thorough response than “Did you like the movie?” | shyness_social.pdf |
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214Here are some examples of closed-ended and open-ended questions:
Closed-Ended Questions Open-Ended Questions
UÊDid you have a good weekend? UÊWhat did you do this weekend?
UÊWho is your favorite candidate? UÊWhat do you like about the differ -
ent candidates?
UÊWhat do you do for a living? UÊHow did you get into your current
line of work?
UÊDo you like your psychology
professor?UÊWhy do you like your psychology
professor?
Note that a question can be too open-ended, so that it is responded to as if it were
a closed-ended question. For example, questions like “How are you?” or “How was your
day?” typically lead to a one-word response such as “Fine.”
Ending Conversations
All conversations eventually come to an end. Furthermore, in informal social situa -
tions (at a party, on a date, on the phone), conversations almost always end because one
or both people lose interest in what is being talked about or they reach a point at which
they would rather be doing something else or talking to someone else.
If you are especially sensitive to rejection, you may become more anxious as a con -
versation nears its end. Or you may be hurt if you think that the other person seems less
interested in continuing to converse. Nevertheless, if you begin to pay attention to other
people’s conversations, you will notice that all discussions reach a point at which there
is little more to be said. Sometimes this point is reached in a few seconds. Other times,
it may take a few minutes or even an hour for a particularly interesting conversation to | shyness_social.pdf |
d003578e3e1d-1 | it may take a few minutes or even an hour for a particularly interesting conversation to
end. Running out of things to talk about is not a failure and does not mean that you are
boring. It is a normal feature of all conversations.
Typically, people try to find graceful ways to get out of conversations that have
run their course. At a party, you might excuse yourself to refill your drink or visit the
bathroom. Or, it may be appropriate to mention politely that you need to catch up with
another person at the party. In a work setting, people often end the conversation with
a reference to work (for instance, “Well, I need to get back to work”) or a pledge to
continue the conversation later (“Perhaps we can have lunch together some time soon”).
Often, simply saying something like, “It’s been nice talking to you, but I need to run” is
sufficient. If you have enjoyed the conversation, be sure to let your conversation partner
know that (“I’ve really enjoyed talking to you. I hope we get a chance to talk again”). | shyness_social.pdf |
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215Exercise: Conversations
Try using some of these conversational strategies the next time you’re having a conversa -
tion. If you rarely encounter situations that allow for conversation, you may need to go
out of your way to seek out such situations. During the practice, pay special attention to
using the strategies for starting the conversation, improving the quality of the conversa -
tion, and ending the conversation. In the spaces below, record your experiences after
using the relevant strategies for each phase of the conversation.
Starting the conversation:
Improving the quality of the conversation:
Ending the conversation:
JOB INTERVIEWS
Most people feel somewhat nervous when being interviewed for a job. In fact, showing
no signs of anxiety could work against you in some interview situations. Not showing
any signs of anxiety during an interview might be interpreted by the interviewer as a sign
that you are overconfident or disinterested. But if you’re particularly anxious in social
situations, interviews may be even more anxiety-provoking for you than they are for the
average person. Chapter 6 reviewed strategies for changing the beliefs that contribute to
your anxiety in situations such as interviews. Chapters 7 and 8 recommended practicing | shyness_social.pdf |
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216exposure to interviews (using both real interview practices and role-play simulations)
as a strategy for learning to become less anxious. In this section, we provide additional
suggestions for improving interview skills. These suggestions are meant to be used along
with the cognitive and exposure-based techniques discussed in earlier chapters.
Essentially, being prepared for an interview involves knowing what to do before
the interview, how to behave during the interview, and what to do when the interview
is over. We provide suggestions for each of these interview phases. For a more detailed
discussion of this topic, we suggest reading Messages: The Communication Skills Book . There
are several other excellent resources on interviewing for jobs listed in the recommended
readings section at the end of this book.
Preparing for the Interview
Here are some suggestions for preparing for an interview. These are all things to do
before you get there:
UÊBefore the interview, practice interviewing with friends and family members.
Also, practice interviewing for other jobs that are of less interest to you. As
we discussed in chapters 7 and 8, practicing being interviewed will help to
decrease your anxiety when you are in the actual situation.
UÊKeep the situation in perspective. Remember that it’s only an interview. If it
doesn’t work out, there will be other opportunities. Think of the interview
as a learning experience or an opportunity to improve your interviewing
skills.
UÊTake time to understand the purpose of the interview, learn who will be
interviewing you, what the structure of the interview will be, and how long
the interview will run. If possible, find out the interviewer’s name and make
sure you remember it. If that’s not possible, when the interviewer introduces | shyness_social.pdf |
3d661deaf90e-1 | sure you remember it. If that’s not possible, when the interviewer introduces
himself or herself to you, pay attention and try to use the name when you
say good-bye.
UÊLearn as much as possible about the organization or company and about
the person who is interviewing you. If the organization has a website, make
sure you study it carefully. You may even be able to learn about your inter -
viewer beforehand. Being knowledgeable about the organization during the
interview will show that you really are interested in the position.
UÊTake some time to identify your strengths and have a good idea of what
you can contribute to the organization, in case you’re asked. You may want
to take some notes with you to prevent forgetting something that you want
to mention. | shyness_social.pdf |
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217UÊPlan a response in case you are asked about your weaknesses or limitations.
There is no need to list every flaw that comes into your mind. Instead, you
can mention one or two limitations, phrasing them in such a way that they
are unlikely to be viewed as a problem that cannot be solved. For example,
you can choose to focus on a minor limitation in your experience or train -
ing that is unlikely to be viewed as serious. Or, you can deflect the ques -
tion by talking about a limitation that you had in the past that is no longer
a problem (something like, “When I first started my previous job, I didn’t
have much experience working with computers. However, over the past few
years, I got a lot of computer experience, so that’s not an issue anymore”).
However, don’t emphasize limitations that could be viewed as weaknesses
in your character or a reflection of your work habits (for example, “I get
angry easily” or “I’m very unorganized”), since a potential employers may
view these as harder to change. Also, avoid answering a question about your
weaknesses with a response about how you work too hard (for instance, “I
tend to work too hard, so I need to remind myself to take breaks”). This is
a very cliché response that employers will see through (no employer would
see that as a weakness). For more ideas on how to answer difficult interview
questions, check out Ron Fry’s book, 101 Great Answers to the Toughest Interview
Questions (2007).
UÊPrepare at least ten questions you can ask during the interview. Write them | shyness_social.pdf |
321c1aa196bc-1 | UÊPrepare at least ten questions you can ask during the interview. Write them
down so you won’t forget. For example, you should consider asking ques -
tions about the types of responsibilities that you are likely to have, the hours
you will be expected to work, who you will be working with, and the struc -
ture of a typical day. Questions about salary, vacations, and benefits gener -
ally should be asked after you have received an offer, although for certain
positions it may be appropriate to ask these questions during the interview,
particularly if the interviewer brings these topics up.
UÊBring extra copies of your résumé and other supporting documents, in case
the interviewer does not have easy access to these materials or wishes to
share your résumé with someone else in the organization.
During the Interview
So, your interview day has arrived. Here are some suggestions for how to make the
most of it:
UÊUnder no circumstances should you be late. Give yourself enough time to
get to the interview and arrive a bit early. If you are unfamiliar with where
the interview is being held, make sure to visit the site the previous day so
you know how to get there. | shyness_social.pdf |
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218UÊYour appearance is important. Make sure that you are dressed attractively
and that your hair is neat. Note that appropriate attire for one job interview
may be quite inappropriate for another type of job. If you’re not sure what
to wear, err on the side of dressing in a more conservative and professional
manner.
UÊRemember to use some of the strategies discussed earlier in this chapter. For
example, really listen to what the interviewer asks or tells you. Pay attention
to your nonverbal communication and try to maintain eye contact.
UÊBe courteous, polite, and tactful. Remember to say please and thank-you.
Don’t disparage the organization, the interview process, or the person inter -
viewing you. In fact, avoid appearing overly negative about previous jobs
and employers, even if you were unhappy in a previous position.
UÊAppear flexible and willing to compromise. For example, if the hours aren’t
perfect, let the interviewer know that you will do what you can to accom -
modate the schedule. After you get the offer, you can renegotiate the hours.
If it doesn’t work out to your satisfaction, you can always turn down the
position.
UÊAsk questions. A job interview has two purposes: (1) to allow the interviewer
to decide about you and (2) to give you an opportunity to decide whether
you want to work for that particular organization. Make sure you ask ques -
tions during the interview. Not only will asking questions help you to find
out more about the position, but it will also convey to the interviewer that
you are serious about the job. | shyness_social.pdf |
224ca17b90f7-1 | you are serious about the job.
UÊIn general, be yourself during the interview and answer questions hon -
estly. However, don’t offer too much unnecessary personal information. For
example, if the interviewer asks whether you are nervous, it’s okay to say that
you are feeling a bit anxious. On the other hand, there is no need to provide
details about any personal difficulties or stresses that you may be experienc -
ing, including frequent panic attacks, depression, or marital problems.
UÊAt the end of your interview, ask the interviewer what the next steps are.
For example, if the organization will be interviewing other candidates, when
can you expect to hear their decision? Is there likely to be a second or third
interview for the finalists?
After the Interview
Your work isn’t quite over once the interview ends. Here are a couple of suggestions
for things to do after the interview has ended: | shyness_social.pdf |
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219UÊAfter the interview, send a letter thanking the interviewer for his or her
time.
UÊTake some time to think about what went well during the interview and
what you might have preferred to do or say differently. This information will
be helpful for planning your next set of interviews if you don’t get the job.
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
This section describes three ways of communicating: passive communication, aggressive
communication, and assertive communication. Passive and aggressive styles of commu -
nication rarely have the desired effect; assertive communication is more likely to get
positive results. This section will help you to understand the differences among these
three types of communication and will provide you with an introduction to methods for
ensuring that you communicate assertively.
Passive Communication
Generally, shyness and social anxiety are associated with a tendency to communicate
passively. Passive communication involves expressing one’s needs indirectly, often in a
quiet voice, and perhaps with frequent pauses and hesitations. Passive communication
places the other person’s wants, needs, and desires ahead of your own. This style of com -
municating is often associated with a strong desire to avoid any possibility of offending
or inconveniencing the other individual. However, because your message is not commu -
nicated directly, the other person may never receive the message that you intended to
communicate. Therefore, passive communication closes the channels of communication
and may cause you to feel hurt and resentful. In fact, this resentment eventually may put
you at risk for communicating in an aggressive manner later on. For example, a passive
way of inviting someone to socialize is the vague statement, “We should get together
sometime.”
Aggressive Communication | shyness_social.pdf |
be41c95f03d0-1 | sometime.”
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication involves expressing your feelings, needs, or wants at the
expense of another’s feelings, needs, and wants. Aggressive communication tends to be
judgmental, critical, and accusatory in content and tone. Like passive communication,
this style of responding closes the channels of communication and can result in hurt feel -
ings, grudges, anger, and alienation from the other person. An example of an aggressive
way of asking someone to socialize is the statement, “If you cared about me and weren’t
so selfish, you would invite me to get together with you more often.” | shyness_social.pdf |
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220Assertive Communication
Often, people assume that passive and aggressive styles of communicating are their
only two options. However, there is a third option. In contrast to aggressive and passive
styles of communicating, assertive communication takes into account one’s own feelings,
needs, and wants, as well as those of the other person. Assertive communication has
many of the features of good communication, including a tendency to be direct, clear,
and immediate. An example of an assertive way to invite someone to socialize is the
question, “Would you like to see a movie with me this weekend?”
In addition, assertive communication should include actively listening to the other
person’s perspective (including trying to hear and understand the other person’s point of
view, validating the other person’s feelings, asking for clarification, and so on). Although
assertive communication does not guarantee that you will get your way, compared with
aggressive and passive styles of communication, assertive statements are more likely to
keep the channels of communication open and to maximize the chances of reaching a
mutually satisfactory resolution.
Dealing Assertively with Conflict Situations
If your goal is to convince someone else to change his or her behavior, an appropri -
ate way of doing that is to make sure that your message is neither passive nor aggressive.
Instead, you should try to communicate your message in a way that is factual, direct,
and empathic.
Begin by describing your observations regarding the situation. Observations reflect
your perspective regarding the facts, rather than your interpretations of those facts.
Observations should be based on reality and therefore are usually very difficult to argue | shyness_social.pdf |
9d413527cb0c-1 | Observations should be based on reality and therefore are usually very difficult to argue
with. For example, “You arrived home too late” is not an observation because whether
the person’s arrival is “too” late is open to interpretation. However, the statement “You
arrived home an hour later than you said you would” is an observation (assuming it’s
true) and is therefore less likely to lead to a defensive response from the other person.
After describing your observations, the next step is to describe your feelings about
the situation. Feelings are emotions such as anger, anxiety, worry, and sadness. Feelings
are not thoughts. For example, the statement “I feel that you should not be late” is not
really a feeling statement. In contrast, “I feel hurt and worried when you arrive home
later than you say you will” is a feeling statement. As is the case with communicating
your observations, it’s difficult to argue with a feeling statement. Only you know how
you really feel.
Finally, it is important to communicate the ways in which you would like things to
change. To follow the earlier example through, you might say, “I would like you to phone
me if you are going to be more than thirty minutes late.” | shyness_social.pdf |
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221After you communicate your message in terms of these three components, you need
to make sure that you give the other person a chance to express his or her perspective
on the situation. Make sure you take advantage of the active listening skills that were
discussed earlier in this chapter.
In addition to these basic assertiveness skills, there are a number of other strategies
that may help you to deal with conflict situations:
UÊMake sure that you choose an appropriate time to talk about the situation.
Don’t put it off indefinitely. On the other hand, don’t talk about the issue
during the height of your anger. Also, don’t insist that the issue be discussed
right away if the other person is busy or unwilling to talk. Sometimes it’s
best to schedule a meeting at a mutually convenient time and to discuss the
matter then.
UÊMake sure that you challenge the beliefs that contribute to your anxiety,
anger, or hurt feelings. As discussed in chapter 6, our feelings are influenced
by our beliefs, and our beliefs may be exaggerated or unrealistic at times.
In other words, the situation may not matter as much as you think it does.
When discussing the situation with the other person, try to maintain your
cool by thinking about the situation realistically.
UÊBefore confronting a situation, decide whether it is worth it. Is it a situation
that matters? Will it take care of itself, even if you don’t say anything? For
example, if your difficult neighbor is moving away next week, perhaps it’s
not important to complain about the way he or she maintains the lawn.
UÊTry bouncing your thoughts off a neutral third party. Hearing another per - | shyness_social.pdf |
bfe4a43487ce-1 | UÊTry bouncing your thoughts off a neutral third party. Hearing another per -
son’s views regarding the issue may help you to see things in a different
way. This can be particularly useful to determine whether your expectations
about the situation are distorted.
UÊTry to understand the other person’s perspective. Like you, the other indi -
vidual is just trying to survive the best way that he or she can. Hostility
and anger often are triggered by feelings of threat or hurt. If you develop an
empathic understanding of the other person’s perspective and beliefs, you
will have a greater chance of finding a compromise and resolving the con -
flict, particularly if the other person can see that you are genuinely trying
to understand.
UÊConsider writing a letter to the other person. Sometimes it’s easier to com -
municate your thoughts and feelings in writing. However, even in a letter,
you should use an assertive communication style rather than a passive or
aggressive one. It is usually best not to use e-mail in these situations. | shyness_social.pdf |
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222MEETING NEW PEOPLE, MAKING FRIENDS,
AND DATING
This section describes ways of improving the skills that are important for meeting
new people and developing new relationships. The topics covered include suggestions
for where to meet new people and ways to deal with certain stresses associated with
developing relationships, such as the possibility of being rejected.
Places to Meet New People
In a survey of more than 3,000 Americans, Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, and Michaels
(1994) studied the ways and places in which people meet. Among married people, the
ways that individuals met their spouses are shown by percentages as follows:
Way of Meeting Percent*
Introduction by a friend 35%
Introduction by self 32%
Introduction by a family member 15%
Introduction by a coworker 6%
Introduction by a classmate 6%
Introduction by someone else 2%
Introduction by a neighbor 1%
*Note: The numbers do not add up to 100 percent because a small number of people gave multiple
answers.
In the same survey, the places where married individuals met their spouses were
broken down into percentages as follows:
Location of Meeting Percent
School 23%
Work 15%
Party 10%
Place of worship (e.g., church) 8%
Bar 8%
Gym or social club 4%
Personal ad 1%
Vacation 1%
Elsewhere 30% | shyness_social.pdf |
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223The statistics were similar for people in unmarried partnerships (couples cohabit -
ing, couples in long-term partnerships, and couples in short-term partnerships), although
some of the numbers were different in these other groups. For example, compared with
married people, unmarried people in short-term relationships were more likely to have
met their partners at a bar (17 percent) or a party (25 percent) and less likely to have
met them at a place of worship (1 percent). Note that this survey was conducted before
the Internet boom, so it doesn’t include information about online dating. We will return
to this topic shortly.
There are many other locations where it can be relatively easy to develop new
friendships or to meet a potential partner. Some examples include the following: through
a hobby (for example, joining a photography club or a theater group), getting involved in
a sport (joining a bowling league, a running club, or a hiking group), getting in shape (for
instance, lifting weights in a gym, joining an aerobics class, taking swimming lessons),
taking dance classes, volunteering for an organization, forming a book club or reading
group, attending public lectures, taking a part-time job, enrolling in an adult education
course, or traveling (perhaps with a group).
The best way to meet new people is to do the things that you enjoy doing. That
way, you are likely to meet people who enjoy the same things you do. For example, if
you don’t enjoy drinking alcohol or spending time in bars, you should think twice about
trying to meet people there. At a bar, you are likely to meet people who enjoy going to
bars. You should also keep in mind the types of people you are likely to meet by getting | shyness_social.pdf |
d0d96976e2b5-1 | involved in a particular activity. For example, if you want to meet people close to your
own age, try to get involved in activities that attract people in your age group.
It’s not enough just to be around other people. To meet them, it will be necessary
to take social risks in the situation. For openers, you should maintain eye contact, make
a point of saying hello, and be sure to smile from time to time. Casual contact is more
likely to develop into a friendship or relationship if you purposely engage in conversa -
tion. As you get to know someone, you will need to take bigger risks such as asking that
person to meet you for coffee, go to a movie, or join you for a day’s outing to a park or
a museum.
Meeting People Online
Internet dating is a very popular way to meet people. The Internet Dating Guide ( www
.theinternetdatingguide.com) reports that about 30 percent of American singles
have used matchmaking sites. According to Online Dating Magazine (www.onlinedating
magazine.com), twenty million Americans visit an online dating service each month,
120,000 marriages per year occur as a result of an online dating service, and about a
third of Americans know someone who has used an online dating service. The Internet is
also a great source of information about ways for singles to meet. Simply enter the name
of your city and the word “singles” into a search engine (for example, Google), and you | shyness_social.pdf |
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224will likely come up with all sorts of ideas, ranging from “speed dating” groups to singles
travel opportunities, personal ad listings, and social events.
In addition to online dating, the Internet is a popular way to meet new friends.
An anonymous survey of 191 college students (Knox et al. 2001) found that friendship
(as opposed to dating) was the most important reason for using the Internet among
this group. In this survey, 60 percent of respondents reported that they had success -
fully established an online friendship, and about half reported being more comfortable
meeting people online than in person. However, note that 40 percent of people reported
having lied online! More recently, online social networking sites like Facebook.com and
MySpace .com have become popular ways to meet friends.
It is important for you not to use online relationships as a replacement for in-person
relationships. Rather, you should view online relationships as a stepping stone toward
meeting people in person. The recommended readings section at the end of the book
provides additional resources on online dating.
Dating Skills
Regardless of how it may seem, there are lots of potential partners out there, regard -
less of whether you are old or young, male or female. Furthermore, the idea that there
is only one person out there who is your soul mate is a myth. There are many different
people who are potentially excellent partners, each having very different qualities to
bring to a relationship. Although it may sound like a cliché, it is often true that someone
comes along when you least expect it, and often it occurs when you’re not even looking.
So relax. Rushing the process can lead to feelings of disappointment or failure when a | shyness_social.pdf |
1439150c369d-1 | So relax. Rushing the process can lead to feelings of disappointment or failure when a
hoped-for relationship doesn’t work out. There are several excellent published guides
to dating, a number of which are listed in the recommended readings at the end of the
book.
PREPARATION
The first step in dating is preparation. What does preparation in this context mean?
It means you figure out what you’re looking for. What is the purpose of your search?
Are you looking for a serious relationship, marriage, and children? Or are you looking
for a sexual partner? Companionship? A way to alleviate boredom? The purpose of the
relationship will influence what kind of person you will seek and attract. For example, if
you are looking for excitement, meeting someone who is aloof, mysterious, and gorgeous
may be your aim. On the other hand, if you want a more serious relationship, you should
choose to emphasize qualities that will continue to be important to you after the thrill
of a new relationship wears off, like a sense of humor, shared values, kindness, honesty,
stability, responsibility, and respect.
Despite the saying “opposites attract,” the cliché “birds of a feather flock together”
is probably closer to the truth. Generally, research in social psychology has found that | shyness_social.pdf |
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225people are most attracted to those who are similar to them with respect to values, appear -
ance, interests, and other attributes. Being aware of your own interests and attributes will
help you to know what you are looking for in another person. In addition, being the type
of person who you would like to meet will help you to attract that person. To meet the
right person, you need to make a point of being in places where that person is likely to
be. For example, if you’re interested in meeting someone who loves reading, then make a
point of spending time in the library, visiting bookstores, or attending book signings.
NETWORKING
One very helpful activity for meeting new people is called networking. Networking
can be defined as an exchange of information or services among individuals or groups.
As we mentioned earlier, more than two thirds of married people are introduced to their
spouses by a third person (Laumann et al. 1994). Therefore, let your friends and family
know that you are interested in meeting someone. If nothing romantic develops, you may
add to your circle of friends. By adding new friends (without actually giving up on old
friendships), you will increase your chances of finding a partner.
FIRST DATES
When you do meet someone who interests you, the initial date can be quite infor -
mal. For example, you might go for a walk during a break at work, run an errand together
between classes, or offer the person a ride home. After you’ve had more contact with
the person, you could suggest a more formal outing, like going out for lunch or dinner,
seeing a concert or movie, or visiting a gallery or museum. If you are a student, you | shyness_social.pdf |
626791a8f43d-1 | might suggest taking a class with the other person to increase your chances of having
repeated contact.
On your date, pay attention to small details, especially your physical appearance and
hygiene. Dress appropriately for the situation. Wear clothes you like, but err on the side
of conservative or classic fashions if you are unsure about the other person’s taste. In
other words, don’t wear your most outrageous outfit on a first date.
REJECTION
Be prepared for rejection. Much more often than not, a particular dating situation
does not lead to a long-term relationship. It’s normal for one person to be more inter -
ested in pursuing a relationship than the other person is. If the other individual ends
up not wanting to continue the relationship, make sure that you keep the rejection in
perspective (see chapter 6 for suggestions). A rejection does not mean that there is
something wrong with you or that going out on dates will never lead to a long-term
relationship. Rather, rejection speaks more to the fit between you and the specific person
with whom things didn’t work out. Experiencing some form of rejection is a necessary
part of dating. The more dating experiences you seek out, the more rejection you will | shyness_social.pdf |