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Say sorry.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You. Filling all our hands with tears.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I am sorry to my mother and I'm sorry to my sister.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And you held my hand. Though you could hardly could. I wish Don't say it but you do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I'm sorry to you for this dying and all the things I've done.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Oh no oh no oh don't do that or say those things that are no matter anymore.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Don't be sorry to me.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I want to.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Shush silent night.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I put my head down beside. Fill my mouth up with bedspread. Fill the air out. Stop the. The coming in. And your hand on it. Down on my hair. You're crying and I am.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You are saying to me.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

There there there.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

There's no reason in the wide wide world.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Comes pats you on the back and says to me go blow your nose and wash your face Madam. I do. I do obey and first kiss you and. Fine I say don't you mind about me. I'm grand. Then leave them to whatever they want.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the toilet eyeballs bleeding it almost feels. Shussssh. Breathe. Wipe the burn out. Wipe my flesh. Deteriorating. No. Everyday. I know the end the end. We. And I'm the fucking one and please help. Da our father art in help. My prayer mine. Please. Don't. Do. This.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I come out. There there, white hall with tiles and doors, with pictures hanging up. Work to do to make across it. Them standing open at the door. Her whisper saying tell me when? She doctor saying slow. No more months. Maybe weeks. One or two. Not any more. He's sleeping. Getting incoherent now. He could have stroke or just go. My son my son. My child my baby my boy my boy. I. There. And I am. She puts her hands on me. She puts her arms around me. Oh my little. My boy my boy. My mother. Feel the. Strange and I am comfort there. I am the. Right. I am the right thing. In this time. Mammy. I will mind. This time. No shush. Take care of that eye the doctor hush and call me anytime. Thanks doctor for saying all that. For him. Goodbye.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

It is soup for dinner. My aunt made. This is her best thing. Chicken and bread. I dunk the fat slice. My mother hands crawling to eat. And uncle head say, so we'll do night about. He'll need someone always there. Yes I. Tonight I'll stay up he offers. All you go to bed and sleep. I'll call if. He does not look at me. Filthy. I wish we prayed. This quiet house. My brother. Goodnight. I kiss you. I will. End this drum of day.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I dream of creeping under. I dream of underground where the warm earth is where the fire goes. Where we're sleep creep you and me in holes. In burrows rabbits safe from rain. Roots growing caverns round our heads. And blind as mice popped out and new and cling and soft our bright pink skin. Who's there? There's no one. You and only me. We sing. We lilt our chamber. No one coming. And we lie. A thousand years of sleep. And get beards wrinkle old and small and we. Troubleless in our deep. Eat the earth-worms fat slugs things within. But I dream. Roots come growing. Slowly and tangle in. And roots come more. And fat and thick. And roots come fast. Roots fast in. Roots seek us. Catch us. Roots that want our head. Our eyes. We move about. The trees will have us. Have our brains for. No one in. That the trees will have us. Roots growing in the bursting through our skulls. Through in through our brains. Seeking out our noses. Seeking out our eyes for. Strangle. Choking out the air. Mangle organs. Tangle pain with us. The worming earth. Grown through. Pin us into soil. Grow life around and choke the air. Claw us. Snare us. Grow through our hearts. Working through our lungs and brains and we and fight and we howl. To silent. No more. Make us dead. Make us into mud. Rotting in the down. Rot in the deep. Turning into stone. Dust we we were. Dust return.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I night watch you this night. I sit. Hands under your head say drink this. Just drink this. He. You won't. Not that. Don't like here. And I say. I wipe your face. Dribble I see it. Just there. And swim your eyes around your head. Thanks for. That I. It's alright my love go to sleep. I sit. These tick tock hours moving night across the ocean. Moving night across the sky. You moving once in a while. Say I want out of bed and I. There. You're fine. You know you can't. But I. Shush now. Read some flitter book while you are asleep and sleep and. I go under that. Until seven until eight. Until someone our aunt comes and says I'm up. You go on to bed. I do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

But the afternoon I am by your side saying wake you wake up. Don't sleep now and you are you are nearly done say just a little moment. Just one more. And I peel around the kitchen and I peel around her home. Yours. I know that. Lifting heavy fingers doing what. I don't. Still don't. I don't know.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

When doctors come to visit saying. How's his back? How's his sores? Is he sleeping? Can you wake him up please? I can't I know. He won't. You won't. They shake. He's deepest deepest. Only when he wants to. Wake up. Anymore.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I can't wash myself clean. I cannot wash my hair my. I tie the long bit back. I lie on beds I stare and watch islands by in clouds of up. Where I would. You. When we were small would make our homes. Happy palace. Where you are going. Soon. And when you're gone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We are happy cross each other. Everyone in the house. Eyes that wander off. Don't see. Don't see in the hallway on the stairs. Smelling dinner coming all the time and I say to you. Will you have a little something? You there. Can't hold your fork. Hold your knife. I cut. I say. For you. Open wide now let me put it in. And you won't smile and you won't chew. Please eat it. And it will do you good. She sit and says I will. Let me. She. Go on please. No. You won't though. No more eating for you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

She sits with you. That night I hear. Hail holy queen hail our life our sweetness and our hope to thee do we fly poor banished children. Of Eve. And in the morning. She is there. Cross her legs with her book down. Rosary wound like rope. Pulling in her skin going white til blue.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I walk and I buy you ice-cream. That I can. No. For you, lick a little bit. You've done well done what she says to me. In the kitchen. Lean on the back of my chair. Get what we can down him. That's it.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So our uncle take this evening and will sit the night. Says he I will read the Irish Times he's fine with me. And I'll call if there's trouble. All of ye can go to bed. I put my face down in a pillow. Think if I were dead if I were dead I'd be the best best thing. All good and right and well. I hear nothing. I. The all the night because the sky falls down where my bones should break. Nail me right inside the blackness. That's a good night's sleep for me.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The morning's not so wild. He says that you ranted the all night. You up and down and up and down. What? How's that I say. Sure he can't move at all. He says you want the toilet. Twenty times last night. I could not lift him he says. The steroids filled him all up. You. Like a balloon. Too heavy for carrying. You know what. What's now. No. No. He wouldn't want. No. Yes. It's past time for it.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Nappies now. For you. Sorry. The nurse teach me and she. We'll do it. No one else will. For we're the secret flesh and blood. You won't mind us. You will. Roll him there. Roll him there she says. Like a baby. Stick on sticky tapes. Not so tight. There. Yes. I. There. It stick on there.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Tonight I sit with you. It's. It's fine. I. Secret in the whole house sleeping I am. Awake. And you are mine in the breathing. That breathing in and out remembers lost or quiet things you always wanted. Yes I remember those things too. Don't you like me best here doing things for you? When you breathe I know what you reply. Yes the. That's the. Come up to the lamplight. To. What you say you will. Anything at all I. I would slavey on my knees or tightrope cross Niagara Falls. Would you like spaghetti on toast from me on my head at dawn? I would and you say. Oh afternoon have I slept all day? I. No sure it's middle of the night are you okay how do okay? I've just to go to the toilet. Shame you cheeks to say this word. I. You don't have to get up. I've to. You can do what you have to there. Shut what a thing to say. Give me a hand. Up. I. Listen you're alright there. You say. What? Your face red. What's that? There there I say. I have to go to the toilet. You can go there. I. No I can't are you gone crazy? No believe me you can, sorry. I'm. You have to. No. I can't lift you anymore. If you won't help me I'll. You can't. What's the. Something. Words words. I'll go on my own. Your temper that's the devil up. Normal almost sight again. Pull the bed but melt like water. Gone to hell. All your muscles. You'd give me a hit but can't. I. There. Lie back. Lie back. You have to. Don't do this you say. Don't. You have to. And I turn away. I say. Just go don't worry it's. Normal now. It's fine. You. Strapped up in your body. You don't live there. I. Don't look. I hear you. Crying. Going in the nappy. Rage. Not fair. Not fair. You wait til I'm well. You can definitely kill me then I say.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Turn and you are back asleep. I. Know I lift the cover. Clean up. And now you're gone fast far. Breathing. Don't see me. Don't know I do. New one. Clean you. Put it in the bin. See. My one act. I might be a person. Beneath the. Where horrible can be a good act of contrition. Shush there. You there sleeping. My boy. My brother. Wish my eye for yours tooth for your tooth. You're a better. No. It's all fuck gone. Gone to the gone to the wrong wrong wrong. Be shush for you. I can.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Three days three days going. From here. Where's the time and everybody. All around here like. Tapping all the time out one two three. You there sleep go down to that. So we are going into the end. I am. Pool. We are where the blind go, I think. Cool cool days. Not a breeze even here. I'll be there. See. I am. I am. Already. It's a thing. It's a thing. Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of. Fine. Fine fine. We're. That's your breath. Yours is. Watch it. Catch it. Catch it all the time. I'm. Watch that. We are. You see. Be here now. I see the curtains flap in it. Puffing dresses. Ghosts. Like big and pregnant. Takes the breath flip flap away. When I was little girl. Open up the door. Let the sunshine on. What's that? Do you see that no you don't. I see you. And you're so quiet. Like a still. Like a Oh. Creeping on the floor. Spiders and flies.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Where's it going where's it going lights turning on they're not. I'm safe of, cured of now of that. When I love you that's all gone off where it should do. Out. He. Knows me. Not to choose. Though we smell each other all day long me she aunt he. There's no room for him in me. Or thing we did. Million million years ago fell off the planet. Good. Safe within my healed up eye.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

She said you should go to mass. Pray for. Me. Think I might do. This is the time. Sunday go. Sit rove praying. Not like when I was little long ago though, when I was some other thing. I bow my head. But the words of prayers are come coming into me as I have never been gone. Gone from praying or the house of God. You take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world. Grant. Us. Peace. Fill my shallow breathing. What I could be. Be granted peace. After all this. After all I am Mary Magdalenish. I would wash with my hair, wash away sins. Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

After communion, after go in peace to love and serve the Lord, thanks be to God I step out of the church. Immaculate blue sky. If I carry my state of grace Hello girleen I thought it was you. Who? There is a man, sitting on the wall smoke out stub of fag his face black and blue, wrist in plaster arm in a sling. Not. Yes. I don't know if I see. Girleen girleen. What? Nice uncle you have there. Desiccation of faith, where's it going. Where's it going? Gone. Fuck you I say. Mouth going pound. We'll see about that he says but I'm already down the path glazed and shame before my eyes. I want you. I want to be home and when I am inside I do not think of him again.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

New days. Sometime. I'm. Forgotten what's the past. And the doorbell rings and I answer the phone and the world's filled with people always doing something wrong like saying where you'll bury him, you know when he's gone? What? Well will it be a car trip or up the road? I know he hasn't long and I need to book the time off work. I. Don't know. But I laugh like I'm shot. Bang. Spray me about. I like that. For fun if you can or not for fun.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Next days. Fuck the future up. The undertaker's come for a good cat chat. Fat. I'll make the tea for him. I'll say I'll close the door, so you won't hear. Him our mother gentle bawling aunt gumped in a heap. Uncle arms on my back saying I'll pay. Do anything. Do anything you want at all. I want? I. Shut up. He says you know what I mean. Something simple. My boy. Mammy. Have I slept at all? I remember once. What. What? Wood. Brown. With a crucifix. With a plain white lining. With a plaque with the date and his name on top. My boy. Mammy stop. Leave your mother alone. It's hard. Shut up. Will you be wanting music? I asked the church choir if they. Did you? I did, she says. When was that? Don't grill me. Your mother's tir. Alright shut up. Play what you play. Nearer my God to thee. Be not afraid. Flowers lilies roses white for him always him my. Brother. My son. And the funeral parlour? We'll be keeping him at home. Yes. On the evening of the second day you can come. We'll lay him out in bed til then. My brother. My Son. And people can pay their respects. I'll make tea and scones aunt. Thanks for that. Not the time. I. Bite my. So we'll process him from the house here. He'll be carried on the shoulders of the men. I want, I say. Of. The. Men. Amen. To the end of the road and then driven in the hearse, who's talking? I think our uncle might but I'm. To the church. Yes, very good I'll see to that. And up out of me is all I suddenly want to know. Is he be buried here Mammy? Where? I'm taking my son home. Home? He'll be buried with his grandfather. No. Yes. He's my son. But I. Too bad for you. When he's gone sure you'll be gone. Back up the city doing your own thing, God knows, so I'll bury my child where it's good for me. I'll join him one day. I. But I. See your mother's point of. Fuck off you, uncle. He doesn't belong to her, he doesn't. All that you care Madam. Not that. I'll want to. Don't you bother telling me about you Miss.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I feel the lights but I'm going lie down by your bed. I won't be stuck up. Anything I. Want to hold your hand and let them what they do I. Understand the end's the end. I can. Have you now. There is so little time.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hey, do you know me? I pinch I pinch. I say. Do you know me? Wake up. Please. Please. Do you know me? I know you. Good. You know all those things I did? No. Your eyes rolling. You do, I'm sorry for it. They were the wrong thing sorry I sorry I did that to you. That's alright you say in your going to. Wait. Don't go to not just yet. What's the. Falling your eyes falling in. I love you. Do you know I love you? I saying I. Yes. Do you love me? Hold on wake back. Come back one minute. Do you love me? I. Do you love? I do. There now. They open the door. They stick their undertaker heads in. He say I like to see them while they're. Shut up. He's a fine looking fella God love him he's a fine looking man.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Did he eat today he didn't. Will he. Please get something in you know. She sits by your bed saying you, say you're sorry for all the things you done. Aren't you? When you were. My little boy. When you were bold to me. To me. Leave him. Mammy, does it matter? He must die without sin. I. He couldn't sin if he wanted. What does it matter anyway? Wake up son. Mammy. Leave him. He's going to die. My son. I won't let him in a state of sin.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I walk a long way off. Get out of here. From you. Feel I could clean my head with a. View of mountains. With a view. Where God is looking in he isn't if he was. He wouldn't do. He wouldn't do. Where's the air out here?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Shush. Aunt saying. The priest is in. Why? To give your brother the sacrament of the sick. She lay the white cloth down. She put candlesticks and candles in. Twig of palm in holy water. Napkin stuck there under your chin. Wake up there son. Wake him. Put his chasuble on. Kiss this bit. Kiss the end. He wash his fingers. Do you renounce Satan and all his ways? Oil on his thumbs. Draw the cross on you. Your eyes and ears. Your lids clappered shut. Don't wake I pray into my fingertips. Oil on your nose and lips. Sign of the cross and. Spread his hands there. That's the way and draw the cross again. Again. On your palms where you have sinned. And feet. There. All the oil stops the devil getting in. Out. Places where the sins come in. He says this is to comfort you in your mortal pain. To fortify your soul I. Remitting all your venial sins. Cleanse your, what's it here, your soul. And restore your health if God sees fit. I pray I pray I pray I pray. For. Him to go. For you. You will not know what this priest's done. What cross mean. What oil. What stink where you have been sanctified.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You're doing, ah you're all doing great he says. Come in Father for a cuppa. For a bun a slice of fruitcake. They. Well alright so. I'll sit with you instead. And when the kettle's boiled I toilet roll your face. Pressured blood pressure going. Yours then mine. I clean the oil from your skin sore red and tired. For what need? You're more perfect than you were before. I'll wash your face of sacrament. Let sin to sinner return. Like me – for I know it very well.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Pedalling days are pedalling. Jesus coming in. Off from heaven off the gutter off the street for. I know. Jesus is coming. Jesus be here soon. I'll rip his arms. I. Won't have God's son here I. Won't. Jesus will lose you. This time I say I'll win. I. Will. Make you safe this time.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

At night I dream. Always. God is. Give me unquiet dreams. When the world. That. I dream. I see the plains of the sea, turning over. Tar. Black as. Black as. Through the. My nose press. Open. Close. Like a seal on the ice. Against the smell of rot. Come from black come from. Where the. Where the world is. Turn like that. On the face of it. Diving. Feel I that. Where we ought to. I am of the. Off the. Who are you wake. Up. And the window is filled with light. Off the street. And the it rises. Sun. Come up. I see through the water. I am right back where I. All that. Where all that. Me. Running. Went from the start of time to here in the next room or downstairs. And radios and dog bark and cat meow. I'm the. Start now. The beginning. Of. You. End. The end. Begun. Where the lights are. Turn on. Panic. Who do you look like who you are. And I. Running. Think I pull my cool jeans on. Full of. Skin. Something. Bits of me. Fell off that. For he comes the comes the human child to the waters and the wild. Me hand in hand. The world's more full of all those things than we can understand I'm singing. Running. Sing out loud. Oh God the look the state of that see him now. Come Jesus. See he's falling fall fast asleep like an old man tired man sick and. My brother for me. Sick and. Save the. Fine above the rushes. In the hills above Glen stop. Don't. Stop it now. Wake up. I wake. My eyes shut. Run. From a world more full of weeping than you can understand.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

But I know now this morning. I know it will be today. And I am white as any creature ripped down to the self. In my quiet in my bedroom in my on my own. Where there's a mirror that is empty. Where there's a worn out pair of pants. Where my shoes lie turned over. Where hairs are knot and fall behind the radiator. Where the smell of empty spreads out across the air. The thing the thing is. Kingdom come.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I know I must wash and clean my hair my teeth. My putting on my clean my jumper my skirt. People will be here I. Put my lipstick on my mouth. Perfume on my neck my hands my knees where's right. My face don't have its night eyes on. Only day eyes are here. For you. I go down. And I turn room to room. I close I closing all doors. Keep it out while I can. The more. A minute more will win me minute more you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the kitchen and in their beds the others move and move the place. Teacups bedsprings flushing toilets. I hear floorboards open. I am coming. Coming today. For you. I come into your room and close the door. I am here. I'm here remember. I love. I. Sit. In your room. In moment caught. Shot. I sit with face smiling black. Please pour the amber in we. Ever ever ever would sit in this moment here.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hello morning my love. And kiss your face. That's warm. And hard with sleep to the touch. Closed. I know what today is even if you're unaware. I know you'd tell me if you could say. Today. Is the day you'll die. You're going off to leave me and I. I wish you would. I wish you'd learn your lesson and still come back. Wish you. Fuck you. Open your eyes. Please. And you. For the moment show me all that blue there is. World that's falling off the cliff into a farer crashing blue. Do you see me this time this day? I see you I. See you today. Don't you close them. Closed and gone away. Your mouth rattles. I know this. I know what it means. Death rattle like a. Something. I'm.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Close the door and doorbell rings. She bustles to it. Come the holy holy holy things. What? Mammy. Not. Come in come in. No no not today not not them. The district nurse came and said. Today. So I have gathered my friends in. Help him on his. My boy my little boy. It's not right he won't like. All these strangers it's not for gawking Mammy it's not a show please please. I'm asking. Please send them away. No.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

They troop. Them large them heap of things and come in smile and go cluster in your room. There bring more chairs down. Don't move. I stand. Get them. I won't. Or you can stay in your room. And leave my brother? Too late for sucking-up miss. I won't do that. Go. No. Go and get or get out and get to hell.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I bring one five six seven in.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I eat my butter bread across the table from him uncle. Look at me he say. Sorry. For this. For your mother doing. For. Today. There isn't. Anything. Feel blood in my neck my head. Fighting in veins in eyes and on my hands. All wrong hands. That I wash them now. Again. Again. Kiss the side of my face. Give me your dishes. Go on in to your brother. I'll do them up for you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the hallway. By the door. Catch the handle I hear. The long complaining prayering sound. Acts contrition reciting it as one. For you. For your sins. Frightened for the dying soon. Their hands laid upon. Bless everywhere on you. Upon your forehead. Upon your feet. Upon your chest. Chant it shout it almost down. You. Please. You sleep please don't you hear what's going on.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Oh my God I'm heartily sorry for having offended thee and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell but most of all because they offend thee my God who are all good and deserving of all my love I firmly resolve with the help of thy grace to confess my sins to do penance and to amend my life.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Life. Death. Amend your death. Amen. I go in. Is there any chair for me? No one. Holy sitting next to thee. And I. Excuse me. Move out of my way I'm. My brother. I get there. That one. Give me his chair. Thanks she says to him. I say nothing. Don't dare look at me.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I hold your hand that was hot and sweat when it was smaller and would fight with me. Stump of nails and stupid. Short they are. I notice this. I see. I see you. I'm there I here. Now. And even here it goes. Your palm. Cooler. Calm when I have it in mine close. What your feet doing. Still growing your hair. Still growing your. Stop that. How's the ingrown nail I'd like to see. See. Stop it doesn't matter. Here. Shush. Cough a bit. You. Don't wake up. I rest my face down on your shoulder she. Stop that. Sit up. Sit up he doesn't like it. I won't. Leave you and me alone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

If thou oh lord will open my lips.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

My tongue shall announce thy praise.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Incline to my aid oh God.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

May the lord make haste to help us.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

They sing. Rosary like a lullaby like a song. I know well. Keep off my breath my head and your rising falling shoulder whisper to you I'm here as well as fecking eejits. Don't forget that I am here.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The door aunt uncle come. Sit watch too. Asking hushly how you do and does anyone want? Then they are terrible and subdued in the corner where they hold hands. I do not see. I am holding yours. I am holding your hand close. My love. That's the best in the. Ssssssh to me. In the land. Couldn't help ssshhh. I'm here. Think I think all about, all I can, about you now.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In an hour. There's still time. There's still. Some time. Your hand is getting colder mine. I see. You are going white. Wait wait. I'll tell you. It's all wrong. It's not.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I whisper in your ear over psalming going round. The world around the room around. Tell you every perfect all I can. There's a story now you know. I done it all. I did all for. There's a story. Have it for your own your. Entertaining God when you are gone. Do that. And remember me when you come into your kingdom. Remember me when you've already gone. Today. Is still here. I'll be. At your. Right. Hand. And will you tell me when everything is done? Everything is done. You are. Ready happy go to. Bed. You are my.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And all your. Sudden body. Where's the. It. Comes for you. Come blistered breath. You. Strain. I see. Your heart I see your chest is move is moving is time to. You are. Struggle. Where the air in. Let the air come in it won't it soughing out. Gushing like water. Where's the. Your face that eyes are open wide. See the land and all above mine. Your eyes are where are. They look. When and a tinge purple on your cheeks choke the purple blue. Across your mouth. Across your lips. I see your suffocated eye. Please don't go no. Not. Go. I. Please don't leave. There's the. Air flying out. Your eyes on me. They. You are.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Lungs go out. See the world out.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You finish that breath. Song breath.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You are gone out tide. And you close. Drift. Silent eyes. Goodbye.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

My. llllllllllllllllll. Love my. Brother no.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

No. Oh please. My.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Done. And. Quiet.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Where the sky burst. They started to cry weep the cry out Oh why oh lord oh why. Shut. Your will be done not mine no let mine let mine.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

My tears coming blind my eyes my. Face of me. You're white as. All this sudden. Moment back. Where have you gone. Breathing. White your face is not like that. New the awful of the. Awful you. Stop the. What's that? Nn. My heart. Comes broken now. Broken off in me. Some flake falling off the sky. Off the. My. You. Where the day is light the sun come in. Give me. Not your face. You're. Marble in the mountain. See you. I touch your. Awful face. Cooling like. I don't even think can't even think. Do that. You're making my hands cold. My hands for warm you. Not only. No not this time. The only. I put my face. Inside your arm. Hold the wave of the the. Ocean of that. Torn me. In two. Save. Clinging on the. No. No one. Drag me down.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Who am I talking to? Who am I talking to now?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the afternoon the undertaker came his hands are ready. Wrap you in your sheet and he and uncle put you in a coffin. Put the lid on tight. Put you in the hearse back. He take you away. We can't clean. We won't do those things. And fill you with formaldehyde. Cleaning you all you away. Later. When they'll bring you back here. Again.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Goes goes the holy joes. Going to spread the good clean word. Going to say what a good death you have made. What a saintly. What a sad. Young one. Gathered to himself the very best. Left. The shit and trash behind I sit on the kitchen chair and someone give me shepherd's pie. I sit on the kitchen chair. I sit on the kitchen chair. I drink my water. I've gone to the blank. I've gone to the. Gone to the. Eat some more. You'll need your. My eyes are burning up the inside of my head I'm. Something gut the insides something. Pulling out the entrails something. There. Something there. He slurp the chew the. Mince. Like dog sucking marrow in a bone. That mother of us took to her bed. Hear her there. Screaming there of. My son. My son.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I lie on the carpet floor. I. Hear the bedsprings go. Where she thumps them where she batters. Where the walls are banging. Where the ceiling's banging. And aunt upping down the stairs there there. There there. It's a trag it's a. Nothing.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I am sitting in the toilet talking to talking to the. Smells like moulded is like. Fungus creeping up the shower curtain. Fat like vomit. Growing there. Knocking on the door. He. Are you? Come out of there. Come out of there. I'm. Washing my face with my hands I'm. Coming out. I'm. Come.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I am crouching by your bed they've stripped the sheets the bare. I see that. Mattress. You were just there. I rub it with my hands I. Smooth it. Your. It. Bed. That you sleep on. Everyday. That you're sleeping. Smell that. Every. Day. Come back. Not. That's the. Shush. Is it him? Touch my head. Touch my face. Your poor eyes what have you done? Nothing. Shush shush darling. Leave me alone. Scratched them. Left. I. I am. Left alone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I kneel in my room. Where I pray that. Where I pray that. I pray that. I. Who's though who pulled out my tongue? Don't let the air in. Don't. Hours and hours going on and on. Till I close my eyes I keep them shut. I know where the darkness goes.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hours and hours passing. Bursting house with all the sorry ever heard. All the flowers they fit in. All the Virgins Child of Prague the Sacred Heart St Anne I. Can't. I hear. I. I hear the coming like it's miles away. He pulling in the drive. Hearse. That uncle going out and rustle all them. They're here again. The body poor boy's home again. That's that how it should be. Would you let them in. I hear them stagger. And cross the threshold with a coffin scratching on the doorframe. All the. Way. In.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I think I'm sleeping now. Come down to pray. Get down and pray for your brother. If you cared at all. The house of silent people here. Me. Gone to the dogs she is my mother say. I. Go into the landing. I can go down the stairs I. I stare into the candle light and cigarette smoke was here. In the kitchen. Not in here.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You there. Sleeping like you never gone. Not. I've not seen this face of yours so pale before. Where's the kicking and the little man. Where's that bad auld temper and the and the. You're not here. Not like that empty face. Not. Un shakeable not un. Fightable. Come in say the rosary. No. That's not. That's not even a bit. Come in say the rosary. Like you. I. Can walk in that room. Where they part for me. Looking in the. She the creature thing who. I put my hand down. I put my hand on. No it isn't. Put my hand. Down. Put my hand. On you. Like a. Something. Cold and. Wrong. You. No I get up. I have to leave here. Come back she shouts. Back in here.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I run. No. To get out quick I. Out of my way. Run the run the. To the door. Down the street and on til the house rips out of my head. Where the what's the. Something fix this. I know to fix this. I want. And I fix this place where I can run. This gouge will drive me mad. Where's comfort where's safe. From here. I run from where you are not.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The pant of it. In the dank of. White shooting streets cars by. Lungs heave up blood they would if I. Hedges. Don't stop running. From my. Stone walls and schools and hospitals. Eyes burn with thud through arteries and eyeball veins. Street lamps curling light. Restaurants and pubs I twisted that. I hear. My tongue. I hold. My scream mouth shut. Turn the little road. This little road. Go in here. Now you. Go in the. Black.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Across the lake the lights of cars and bikes and roaring off somewhere I'm here. In the dark. Where the lights. Where the water. Calm and kind. Benevolent with thorns and stones I. Know. I smell the same. As something. Once is me. Where I walk. Don't think. Where I'm not frightened. Face of the water. I know. Face of the grass I lie in. Lay broke upon. All these times. Where I come to see the. What's. It's the devil. I do here. Said you would not yes I will. Shsssh. Before I'm well. Before it's time. Swallow glass the whole way down.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Where's everybody now? Where the. This I must this. I. Don't. I do. In my own. This the blister. Doesn't matter. Nothing wrong with. Don't be I'm not. Frightened. Hear the. There must be someone in the. Do to you here. What you. Shush. I hear no one no one here for me and so I make. The gravel. I hear make. Some. Picking stones don't look make. My. Someone coming I make. It look. Down from mountains and hills. Angel save me. Fill my mouth. Comes. And so I make. He comes and comes til I see. Through the broken trees. Through kicked down weeds and nettle all the same. Through eyelids I have. Close. I make. He says out from the twilight. From my brain. You've come here. I know. Quick and should be done. Give myself to the. My will be done.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He says. I've been waiting for you. Days and days. I knew you wouldn't be long. Where's the. Not. Looking close til I see him in the dark. Behind my eye. That man whose face is broken up. That man whose face is scratches and cuts. That man who say girleen girleen like a song. I know something. Your family love you very much. I. Wrong. But you're here again. Don't think it not you. Say it. I'm here again I say. Hear him. What I'll do to you. No. He says Thanks for all my pain. I. I'll fuck. So you'll know what I mean. Don't know. But. Get off me. By the wrist and the hair on my head. I'm. No this isn't. No I. Slap. My brother. No. Shut up. Shut up. My brother died. He's died he's. I don't care a single fuck about. Where's your uncle is he here? Is he here? Scream until I. He. That means no. Enough of that and strike. So hard. Home. On my face. Spew I think of blood or words I bit down on my tongue. Turn the eye off it won't. Perhaps. He punch the bag me stagger. From. Now for you. You aren't leaving here. I. Don't that. Slap me harder. Never speak again or you're die and gone. I. Comes the black is fallen down. He got. Thrash. Can't see his faces hands fingers in my eyes. My nose. You're hurt me. This is my. Make. Dragging by the gruaig. He is I know. Across the stone my legs to flitters when you pulled me up the stairs. Breath. My eyes I can't. Full of my own hair. Screaming. Shut up. Is that me I am I. I think. There's a my body he push back. I'm. Fling rubbish thrown I am am I I. Falt. Where until I crack. Break my. Face. Head. Something. Smash. On a stump. Where on the back of my head on the back of my back my back crack that's my eyes fucking up with tears. Scare me. Punch me there fright. Stop stop it you are who are I do I don't want. I want to. Not this I don't not for me what he will. You. Jesus. Got. Jesus on his knees pull me up pull me. Fuck. Not. Fuck not. Help. Grab me. Fingers of my skin. With his filth hands I hear. All the sounds tonight. Raddle fuck in my head. Tonight I hands up my. Knickers up my. Hurt. Not me Jesus. His nails too sharp are you. Did that. Did I make. Stop. Don't don't. I changed my. Jesus he. Not. No. Jesus me. Rips the I think dig them through my leg he. Spread fucking open up you sick fucking stupid bitch want the fuck you just like this I. Kick the kick. My heels dragging blood through the muck. Want to catch to prise to lift me. Save. Off off him fuck off me off me. He'll. Pulls me up away. Kill. Me. Rake my hands I fingers in the dirt in the stones up my fingernails. Stones powder clawing them to. No. Get off. They're off fuck knickers off. Fuck. Whore. You. He pulls like mad I I. Hear the sound. That fly. Zipping. Fuck out. Spring it out. Thighs in claws I vice. Rip m open. I make this. I make this. Undone he push my face hye pusk my head. My eyes flat of his hand. In the skull my. In the muck my crown of stones. Don't break me open face open. Crushing I hear boines on done he up me fuck me. Smeeling he I don't not do this I a don't know he's fuck me. Stucks the fck the thing in. Me. In. Jesus. I nme. Go. Away. Breeting. Skitch. Hear the way he. Sloows. Hurts m. Jesus skreamtheway he. Doos the fuck the fuckink slatch in me. Scream. Kracks. Done fuk me open he dine done on me. Done done Til he hye happy fucky shoves upo comes ui. Kom shitting ut h mith fking kmg I'm fking cmin up you. Retch I. Retch I. Dinneradntea I choke mny. Up my. Thrtoat I. He come hecomehe. More. Slash the fuck the rank the sick up me sick up he and sticks his fingers in my mouth. Piull my mth he pull m mouth with him fingers pull the side of my mouth til I no. Stop that fuck and rip. Scin. Stop heeel. Tear my mouth. Garble lotof. Don't I come all mouth of blood of choking of he there bitch there bithc there there stranlge me strangle how you like it how you think it is fun grouged breth sacld my lungs til I. Puk blodd over me frum. In the next but. Let me air. Soon I'n dead I'm sre. Loose. Ver the aIrWays. Here. mY nose my mOuth I. VOMit. Clear. CleaR. He stopS up gETs. Stands uP. Look. And I breath. And I breath my. I make. You like those feelings do you now. Thanks to your uncle for that like the best fuck I ever had. HoCk SPIT me. Kicks. uPshes me over. With his brown boot foot. WitK the soLe of it on my stomik. Ver. Coughing my. Y hard. He. Into the ditch roll in gully to the side. Roll. I roll. For it. He. Turn on the. I. Hear his zip. Thanks for fuck you thanks for that I. hear his walking crunching. Foot foot. Go. Him Away.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I lie thisright place for me with my fingers ripped onthebody Mine is Lie in the ground faceWhere I Right for meyes. Think about your face. Something. Shush now. Right now. FullofslimeThere better now. And I am. Done with this done. Fill the air up. Smear the blood up is there any no no t reeeeelly. My work is. I've done my I should do. I've done the this time really well. And best of. It was the best of. How. Ready now. I'm screaming in the blackness. Scream until I'm done my body. Full of nothing. Full of dirt the. I am. My I can. There there breath that. Where is your face off somewhere. Where am I lay down this tool. I fall I felled. I banged my face head I think. Time for somewhere. Isgoinghome.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I get there I get. I get to the door. I am. Bleed blood on my mouth. Gone. My I know it's there. Was. Salt and iron. Gone. I lick tank taste water taste brack there I. In my gob. Vomit on me. Gone. My hair. But in my eye. Just all is there is in my eye gone. Gone it back to. Bed. But the silent. House in there I know. Bleed my knuckles find if I. Something. Key. Hear the swarm hear the queen in the hive I. Turn the handle round about I push the glass door goes I go. Go in.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Under your door I know they're. Swaying sing on you doing. And you are scared by if you're awake that. Not you no that there's I. Forget. You are. Gone. You would be though afraid of that. Aunt are here. Is here. They in there no not. No nright mright rong wrong they won't be there. But I will I. Me me. Will I get in this room or go orgo or goon wash myself blood I know that my cheek no there isn't. My mouth. Plunged and red and purple swoll like a lemon melon swoll like riped ripped like shreds my tongue my salt my. Who kissed me? Burn of it god that torn. Open the door. They you who are there?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Oh Lord God. Oh Lord God of might where were you? What happened you? What happened your face? It looks it looks like. Oh sweet Jesus someone say sit and let me look. At. That. They come like locust clusters of bees on me land on me don't shh I know don't don't move or the you what makes them angry let no you don't sit. Don't move.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And she my mother look at that what. My torn out mouth my ripped out hair my puke vile blood clothes holes with mud grass on she does not see they do not see. Maybe. I. Eyes burst with rage she. Seeming. She will. I've no. I look at you there, spread light their candles by your bed and you asleep and you. So white and clean my. Speak if it were not for my tongue I wish I was. Sssss. She has me. Come you out here. Close the door on them. What have you done?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

What I've done. Nothing ever ever Mammy. Don't you cheek me, clip on the ear. Ow Mammy. How can you do this to your brother to me? No. Where were you? I fell I hit my head I fell I got my mouth I caught my pulled it on a bramble pulled it on. What are you on about? Your lies and lies are. Have you no shame? Mammy. All my shame I give to you. I'm turning off the lights I'm shutting down my doors. What do you mean by that? Don't you turn your back on me. What do you mean? Nothing Mammy. I've had enough do you hear me? Enough of you. Your face. You're a state. Making a show of yourself on today of all days. Go she says and have a bath. Lie down and later someone'll take you to get a stitch in that. I open the door look at. You're awake saying what's gone on you're not. I wish. You were. See do you see what I did to my face for you for you lying there? Oh I. No I don't. They look at me. I fell and wish I fell don't. I just fell. You should. Can hardly talk your voice comes up but far away from me. I know you know the. Sound of. Sssh you can't talk to me. I know I don't I do. Peel off from you what face once was. I'm going no. Go out of the room. Get out of my sight she says.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I climb the up the. Hurt. Stairs. I go. Behind I hear them close your door and pray.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Do not be afraid – I will save you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I have called you by name – you are mine.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

When you pass through deep water, I will be with you;

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

your troubles will not overwhelm you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

When you pass through fire, you will not be burned;

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride