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One in the Ha bike shed. Handlebars dig in my back. He's all embarrassed I should know the fat spots on his thighs. I have no eyes for that. No ears for any sound emit. I'm thinking counting ticking off. The great work. It's my great work.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

At the lake then two more on the late Saturday nights where they would pass me hand to hand if I would go. I would not. Maybe next week maybe next time. And swig of vodka pressing up my lips. That burn me down. I cannot see their faces or hips that bounce ready for me. I lie. I take my share of them the whole way and there are other girls here. Each one for herself. We don't look her in the eye. The lads are here for what we are. It makes me laugh. That guzzle and the useless whinging come of them. Some little squeak rat caught in a trap.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And in a car the best. Warm and parked away. They'll do what they can to me in here. On my knees I learn plenty – there's a lot I'll do and they are all shame when they think their flesh desired. Offer up to me and disconcerted by my lack of saying no. Saying yes is the best of powers. It's no big thing the things they do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

When I go home my brazen flesh lets off the sound of doing something I should not. Our mother careful look and questions, cannot understand the alteration. And she'll not let adjustment be without a nuclear fight. No going off to be another girl than I was before. No. There must be confession. Explanation. Close the bedroom door and bathroom. Keep my body secrets in, hers out if I could. I do not, will not be frying down in hell. My mind is blanket clear. It's hot inside and not much breath but no one sees me where I am. It's good not feeling pure.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We sat in the kitchen my friend and me. Drink instant coffee hot now tell me tell me what's it like? Does it hurt? Are you sorry after? Do you feel ashamed and I encourage her to follow. You'll like it on the other side. I'll tell you how to do it right. She me laugh about I imitate their squawk Oh I'm coming coming coming. Makes us laugh hard all the more. But how do you dare and what'll you say if you're caught? This are boring. Better saying why it's great.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I think she slipped away to other huddles back at school. Did not come around here so often. Quietly made a getaway from me and my many sins. Tarred with the same brush all of that. And after I wasn't at all sorry about it. With her orange hair and love at first sight glued to her snout. I don't wish I'd kept my big mouth shut.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

There is no Jesus here these days just Come all you fucking lads. I'll have you every one any day. Breakfast dinner lunch and tea. The human frame. The human frame. The human frame requires. Give them something. A good hock spit for what it's worth. They'll say my name forever shame but do exactly what I say. I'm a laughing skirt up round my knees and feathery boy rosen cheek between. I found the shell I'll rap until it breaks. I found my new blousy blazen face. It makes me. Laugh. The shininess of it. Of say so. Follow tremble and obey.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The word go round it get round soon and soon I was to overflowing everyone could ask but I. Pick my moments when to strike. Say, come here and do your best.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I'm dizzy with. Can hardly bear to stop and talk. Hurt up between my legs and full of what they'll do for me. Faces blaze with so much need, with twice much gratitude after it. They'll not say one thing about us you see because after all, what's fair is fair.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Those girls' heads turn in the class. Flick flick ponytails. Wag wag at that. Natter natter look at that one. Dirty hoor. For I was somehow up the ladder. Above a bit of tongue or feel of my tit. Could say for sure this is what it feels like. To do. But I wouldn't. Not to them. It's mine alone. To replay on my own. For I am a woman now.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

But that one day. A Saturday. Click click. I stood with my forehead on the glass. Thinking I can leave a grease print unappetising as it is. When did my face get like this? All that bloody fuck and sweat. It's cold. The afternoon. Then on your blue bike you come breakily up the drive. I don't know where you've been. Into town I now suppose. Back door squeal as you opened. Radio upstairs chortle to itself. She's out praying with the nuns. A holy hour offered up for? Us. Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. That means two- kneed genuflect.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

At the doorway where you stand. I say your nails are really black. Are they so? Yes they are and I go back on thinking of my skin and still you stand. Ignore my ignoring. So, what do you want? You're wolfing back air and words and all sorts. Beet face boiled up ready to go. What? But you can be consternated for all I care. As if I care. As if. Well you'd know about dirty things you say. What? What's that supposed to mean? Your face embarrassed me. That it took so much. And quietly like glue stuck in your mouth. Please tell me if it's true. You know. That you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

What would I do to be dragged into the floor? Go plummet down please. Hell open up and take me in. Do all that? you say. Dirty stuff. Dirty things. That you did the it the thing with one of the lads from my year. That you did it during lunchtime in the bogs with some other. Shut up. Stop it. But you're keep going on with wart toads popping from your tongue. That someone saw you down the lake. Who told you that? Is it true though? Is it? Is it? You are almost start to cry. Fuck off I say, you say that's not the answer. Go on tell me if it's true? And you're walking coming crossing. Grab me by the elbow. Is it true? Is it true? I know you're stronger than me now. First time and push me to the wall. Don't you lie. You don't lie here. Is it true? Bang me off it. Go on slut say that it's so. What do you want? Is it true? It is! I shouted pushing hands and might against I sticking fingers at your eyes. You choke me. I expel splode fight against. Kicking at. Struggle. Whack for I'll be screaming in a minute. Push me on the ground. It is disgusting whore sputter filthy disgusting wrong it's wrong to. Do. Fucking bitch. I curl up miss me kick the floor. The stub of it. Rolling.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

What's going on in here she shouts. Caught you by a scrag of hair. What in God's name are you doing to your sister? Stop it. Stop it calm down. I mean it. Stop it. Dear God in heaven stop it. She struggle. Struggling with you. Struggle while you pull her struggle off. While you push. Shouting roaring off your head. She saying this no way to behave. You'll never make a priest like this. And pushed over. I see she fell. Jesus. Jesus all I say getting up. Putting hands out for blows. And she and she too. Stop it Jesus calm down. She is saying if you in carry on this way they'll never take you in. You give her other push. I don't want to be a priest a fucking fucking fucking priest. That's no way to talk my boy as though you're on TV. I want to escape you say I want to get away from the pair of ye. And strike out. We're not struck at all. It's going in you. Beating up against the walls. I want to be in the SAS. And you turn. She. Hit her between the shoulder and the neck so she cries. I. And then you ran. Out the door. Out the hallway. Out the house. Running to. Running like mad.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That's a lash I'm quiet under. All the night you were away and she me sat and holding hands or piece and jam or cup of tea. Is that him knocking at the door? Her neck blacken and red. It was not you at all. Where were you? And when she had gone to bed I locked the door in secret. Let you stay out there.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

But the next night you came home. It was a very quiet way. Say not a thing. No one say and that was the end of that.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Wander about the months sucking my teeth that you hurt. Touch and touching-up my eye. Packed in and up that life between my thighs. Keep it now for alone at night, for my thoughts to blister on. Can I meet you round the back at lunch? Just fuck off. You all can.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

It's only ever going home. You watch me. Crucified on the bus to hear them going Ah I wouldn't mind a bit of that or the fine thing's arse or I'd do her raw and red. For now taking it away they have me. I am at their mercy. And you push me down the bus steps. Push me out the door, saying see now see what you are? Everyone's embarrassed at what you did. Everyone thinks you're disgusting like a maggoty pervy type I'd kill if I went to war. That's the job for you. You're very sure. But did you tell? You'll never say and she says nothing. I don't see so I don't think you did.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The last day is off school and you're finished. All your exams the same. I don't mention but I'm aching for the moment you'll be leaving. The summer's come. Something's good in that for me. It dry up each my wounds of nasty thinking what I did. Now very nice do dishes for Mammy or rake the fire out instead of you. You never note, for that's that now. Dirty beast and go away. Alright. I will. Leave or. I would. If I could.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And you are gone for army trials. Up the country. Long weekend and say yes that's the life for me. It took two months. For your exams. For army invite coming through. That's a loose summer working in the shop for you. I think you might at stacking shelves. It's boring but you never say for August's coming. She says prays for the right thing – please God a vocation – whatever that may be.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Remember O most gracious Virgin Mary that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection implored thy help or sought thy intercession was left unaided inspired by this confidence I fly unto thee O virgin of virgins my mother To thee do I come before thee I stand sinful and sorrowful. Oh Mother of the word incarnate despise not my petition but graciously hear and answer me. Amen.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And when you come back that last day there's envelopes. Two on the window ledge get damp with condensation she says exciting look at this for you. You tear them. It's the start of the end of this life. Well it seems so. Then. Maths F Irish E English E History E Geography E Chemistry Incomplete. Oh love I'm sorry. It's not that that counts you say. So that one's that but one the next. Oh Jesus. From the Irish Defence Forces. Stamp.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We're sorry to inform you height weight IQ and eyesight are are but we wish you the very best.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You there staring across the table. Weeping mother press her faces into hands. Oh what. Oh what. What will you do? Eighteen years and no exam. You mumbling things like join the navy. They'd soon teach you to be a man. Not soft as shite with all the women in this house. Stop that talk. Conspiracies walling in around. God will I never get a break you said. What's waiting to jump out and be reason for your failure? Ha ha ha. Not you. Never your fault. The fucking army. No need for that filthy talk. Who needs all that anyway? you say. They'll never be their own man.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Slinking I if I could past. I don't want to talk about this. With her. Near you at any rate. It's your problem. Hers to fix. But your brother. Don't tell me. He would make a lovely priest. Fuck off off that. I'm still your mother. True. And don't talk to me that way.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Before there's anything else though I'm out the. I'm out the very. Quick. Quick.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Back to stacking shelves for you with all those ones you hate. Shot to the ground they'd be if you could. Still it's sixty quid every week. Twenty for her. The rest for you for buying sweets. More packets every day that you conceal. Up your coat pocket. In your sleeve – when you're walking through the kitchen. But my job's the bedroom bins. Colour foils off been all stripped. Plastic twirled in tissues but I saw I see it. Ever pack of Murray mints. Scoffed them when us two weren't around. Glut glut gluttony I decide to say if I decide to. Out you. Stick you on a greedy spike. That's if I need to. If I will I don't know. Yet.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So we're doing Lent this year she say we've been too lax now look at us. And all our groan was no effect. Giving sweets up. All things sweet up. Yes and literally good for the soul. Oh my god those magic words. Set me to flight. In my secret world I'll find some way to rebel. Smiling offer up my fudge for Christ and for all the angels and the saints. Hey presto or Olé! And give up sugar in my tea. And give up milk. I drink it black and eat burnt toast for indulgence of. The dead. I like this very much. Sacrificial virgin self I seem to be.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Much dourer you than me. This is such a waste of time you say. We've swapped places for these mortifying days. Say effing praying what's the good of that? I said my night prayers every night and look at what they did to me. Who? They did. They all. Didn't want me to succeed. I see. Good. Oh yes? You just have it so easy look at you. What? All the things you did but your life's always so. You're always doing well, you say. I am, am I? Just leave me by myself you stupid dirty sow. Cow.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Morning mass at seven o'clock up the convent every day. Trup trup trup St Theresa echo wax parquet. Say prayers for your exams she says to me. We'll see what's to come. So here's to holy acceleration but all I see is the wall ahead. And you say alright I will too. Liar faker. I do not look at you your eyes when I can manage not. Think about your daily sweets.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Clap. Trap. We go on slugging chest and head when we can. But I always swerve from you are so fucking dim though that's what I prize now the most. Not for being clever gets you what you want. Just where you are, I won't be.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Mad lust of it you get for computer games go blip across a screen. That's your eighteenth birthday gift improve your mind with. Further education she says. Thinks of analysts in rows in shirts and saved up tokens with the milk. You blip it often. Your room at night. Going. One another and another one after that. From the morning til you went to work and after tea after rosaries after watching some TV. The new love take up all your time. Eating sweets and Jupiter Landing. Come on and have a go. No. I don't want to. It's killing all your brain cells. So?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And after one year. All the same washed over. And after two. You are all calmed down to stacking neatly every day. Getting on the ground floor. Cursed and resigned. To something. What? All that stuff you go on about. I am keeping it clean as long as I can and see think you've forgotten all of that. That thing in the past lake shed prefab. Everyone's quiet. They're moved on to greener fields. Are grazing there on someone else. Just feel a scald of it now and then and think I'd like to get away. But look those boys out in the eye. I know it. Worse things. More than they. Spotty little dribble spittle. But my head goes half wild. Turning over my new leaf. I live to work up other days. I peck out of this school bus shell. Get the wind pouring through my hair. Moving to my own flat. Live on my own potato bake. Far off. Far off. Leaving you and her. Away. Turning tide off. White out my eyes. Ears nose and throat. That two years sitting in the gap. Exams come and go and soon I'll soon I'll not live here anymore.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I do. I get my A's and B's. I am ready to leap. Go then head first. On the train. I stand with my socks up. With my fingers sticking out. Wave away. Go on away. To the two of you that's groggy from crying. She. You're putting one hand on her shoulder. Take care of yourself and give us a call. Bye then. Bye. Pulling off pulling off for the city. Leaving that. Go back. All you behind. Put breath back in my body. Right now. Next now. What I'll be?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

City all that black in my lungs. In my nose. Like I am smoking am not but still. I'll have a creaky bed up in some woman's house. For too much a week, that I don't guess. Will do. Maybe soon. Unpack my socks and. Oh. That's being lonely. Lying here. Head and feet not knowing where they've come to. The rest and. Both of ye. And shocking. That. Homesick. I am. Oh God. Between my eyes spat new sparkle pangs. Give a leg up here. Give me a chance. I'll be dwindling over baked beans every single night and see some Murray mints think of you. Oh terrible. Such an unexpected. Slip.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

But with all that I begin. On the very first day. Going in the college door hello. Oh I am. Yes. Just over there. Fine thanks. Yes thanks. Fine grand yep I will. There. So so we are just the one of us now. Me. God everyone's at home still doing the same why am I here? Think of her in her rosaries and you at the shelf.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

This room smells of chalk smells bad to me. Go on. Jesus. Loads of people. Strangers coming going here. I see in this room rolling black boards is a new thing. But grills on windows is a what does that mean? I don't. Never seen that before. Ha. A wicked city I have come to. So all kinds of things must go on. I know.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And another one comes in and another one comes in. Is it sixty people here? They talk like all this is the same to them. What things have they done that makes them easy and right? Saying yeah yeah yeah when I was in the States or I was in London this summer. They know the world. They know what levi's proper tops and shoes to wear. Am I I am dowdy or something with too long hair. They speak out loud and I am wrong wrong wrong.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Some girl with all nice clothes on wearing make-up as it's alright to do. God isn't. Never – desperate that. I must. Oh. Something new. Sitting down all the blue stuff on her eyes are laughing looking round. Crossing her legs like she should I do not. Giving ankles crossed more than enough. Hi and how are you are you here for this course too? What? Oh yes aha I am yes too. Oh good thought it was the wrong room never understand them accents them Brits have got. Your woman in the office. Yes I understand enough.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

This one's talking. An awful lot. She's got me out of all the ones. I don't know. I have my red dress on? Are you living near? Just around the corner. I'm from here she says. Oh right. I just thought it would be a laugh you know. I know. I don't. God look at that she says. That'll be him The Big Cheese. And in he comes in. Fella sparkle-eyed with a plomp load of books. My heart go bang at no go back now no go back. Some new education begins.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Coming coming? What? For a drink you must, course you can go on she says. Na no thanks I don't na no well alright I will. But when we get there I don't know what to do. Not never been to a pub. What'll I. Go on. Go on iniquity time again, it'll go with all that smoke she is blowing up my nose. She's done this lots before. I see settled on the barstool drooping out her chest. What'll you have then hey what to drink? Em thinking I'll have Guinness for want of knowing what else what. Jesus that'll give you guts. Go on well I'll have what you're having I say. I have lager, two please and sit down there. I'll get these with my held pound note out or two.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Bringing over giving a bounce. Big red gums. Her ponytail flick it back forth in my pint. So then there's some kind of talking going. She and me. I've drunk up that. Stinking still she smoking silk cut red, look at them so small. I do not know smoking ins and outs. But good for giving Marilyn Monroe face. Puss. Droop her eyes down. Look all. That. In my mouth and in my hair. Saying her family and crazy Dad's a famous writer I haven't heard but then but then. Groggeldy when they lived in Sweden fighting over opera seats and drinking schnapps. I fresh bewildered, ripple thrill of it people who. Oh God. Oh God. That's it. And her mother's orange hair and black lace skirt she wears when she talks on the television. So boring she says. Always going on about her family in public because she is Therapist. We're nearly in America with that. Like Hollywood and I am gob impressed. And me? Nothing really. No my family's just the. You know. Like everyone else apart from you. And we'll drink another and brain go down til seeya tomorrow. Alright then. I will.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I take the bus home reeling over me. That's a feeling. Frighten brilliant new. I am just head on the pillow when she phone. The bring bring. It's half past nine. I'll sleep but landlady whack. You. You. Your mother's on the phone. She's been calling half the night don't let me say it again. Sorry.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hello love and how are you? I've been calling half the night. Just wanted to know how you got on? And are you settled in and is your room damp is it fine have you managed to find your way and is the church nearby? Yes Mammy. Don't forget to say your prayers. For Jesus loves you here or there. I'm fine Mammy. I am fine and you are are you well? Is that the right words I am using? I feel big and vast and my head's buzzing all round my voice. And every stuff. Hmm everything strange. You sound a little. Are you drunk? she says. I'm. Are you? I'm. Holy God you are. Have you no. Have you no shame? No more than a week gone and already come to this. You listen here young lady. This is not how I reared you to live. I want you to promise. Promise this'll be an end to that. You know drinking's the devil's work. Now stop it. Promise. Say you will. You will. I trusted you. I'm saying Mammy I will. Never thought you'd carry on like this. Oh crying. Mammy Mammy Mammy. Don't be crying. I only had a few. I won't then. I won't then again. Promise me. I do. I do promise I won't. I'm sorry Mammy. Now don't. Cry plunging sickness waves of home. Go on my drunk brain encircled feeling my own badness sticking in. Oh how I'll be sorry again. So breathe now. Ha. Ah. I do. I'm done and down. I won't. I promise. Drink again. Good well that's all I want to know. Your brother sends his love to you. Right. Love. Take care of yourself. Good night. Goodnight. Strings of words. Strings of words. I go upstairs. I go up to sleep.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I keep my promise until the next day and the next day after is gone. I smell this is some world I'm in with loosed down hair. It is my mother cannot see. Cannot see into. I am glass no more. My body gone opaque so one hundred miles far. Won't know won't hurt her. Not ever can you say. Not ever you can tell tale tattler on me.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We are bad her. She and me. My friend I'd call. Run wound to each. Going. Going. Thither thither. Places. Going all aware. Going to no good. Perhaps. Fling. Think never ever thinking I'll look back. Nor do I don't I. I don't know what or I don't know yet.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

See here this party. It's a mad. I had never been. I have only seen and thought films were like that. Music hurting on the innards. Door. Lungs. People pouring noise out front back of this old house. Some glasses beakers. I have cans. In my bag. Where do I? Out them there no don't put down or they'll go you'll be sorry. Money spent. I trup trup off behind her. Think I'm new and white. In the garden. In the wet. For grass still sucks it up all day. Where's this? Just some fella I know she says. He said come and bring a friend. Him and other lads have this band. Oh. Brilliant. Good too. They squat here. Christ. What do I know? What do I know? People living mad life but I'm around it now. I can be in. I'm. What I'd say to those girls in school if. No. I won't. Won't be going back in there. I'm going just to say hello she says you stay here. And I sit under this tree while. What type's it? Apple. Mortified at being alone. Drink up. Watch. She seeing them. Says I'm black now am I? Well then give us a kiss. She slather their hands on. Blankets wet full mouth smirking aren't you pleased to see me? She knows all the right stuff. Right things done said brings the. Going house in. What is perfect on this lawn, there is no shame. She. Looking over her shoulder. Roll her eyes. You know what it means. I'm going. Off. Nod. Laughing me and she'll tell later on whatever he has done.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I am fine sit and drink and watch. All this harlotting go full on. Twist to look like I'm in here not just sitting by myself. Lay in the grass. Foots trodding dance around. See up skirts. In trousers. Music pumping ground under my head. I think some poems I'll write. About. Sights. Remember. This wood smell of. Damp and. Dandelions stain on my bare leg. Sip up my. Sip and slurp it drink. Think of being by myself. Here. In this stranger's downstairs flat. That. Whirl. Some fella coming up. Do you mind if I sit he and who are you then? Who are you? Do I know you no I do not. I turn my head is very slow and. Some strange man he is to me. Some man with black hair combed strange like balding but not. It seems. Will I talk at all I will. He chatting my name and all those things. I falling into that. Suppose I am here on my own. Will you another? Thanks for that. Will hear him tell me he's how old a lot oh God lotter than me. I am addling but good to be seen. It's very good to be seen.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hello there and one of these. You want some? Smoke. Never do. But will. It's something else. No I don't know how. But. Go on lassy you inhale and hold. That'll do. That Jesus rips the tender throat out. Jesus give the eyes a very stream. He is laughing with at me but about my whirring head. I don't like. Do. He lie beside. Stick his fingers in my hair. Aren't you a lovely lovely thing. And talking to he's talking still. I curling poems cannot listen. Smoke in again and in again. Feels hours and hours him and me. Our heads on a root. Benutted tree I see London. I see France. I can see your underpants. I hear him singing put his hand between my knees. Go way think I'm laughing. Spin the brain away from here. Ha you're tickling. Don't do please. Come on says he come on time to go to bed. Time for us to be out of this fet air. Where we going? Come on o human child. I singing oky ho-ky do-ky. Ha ha help me down from this wet earth. I'll come. I'll. Now I'll come with you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the morning peel up eyes sweat shut. Cracked ceiling somewhere I don't know. Doubt. See. Thinking what's the wherm I? Who? Lying. Man beside. Breeze whistling from a mouth.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hello. Wake up. Sorry. Who are you? And I think I remember. Someone's lap. I sat on. On a bus. And I see. And in that chair was. God. I know. What's the worst thing that I done? He poke it in. Oh yes. Yuck. Going inside. And check myself. Feel I yes I know he's done. Inside. This I should, I do know. Do not do this. It's all that bad and could be worse. A lot lot later on. Worry then. Who's he but? That man there beside me. Wait he rolls and I can see. Sweaty eye paps fill sinus guck. And he is balding in the light. Time to go my separate ways. Goodbye tra la la la. Get in the day. Into the street. Quick. Thanks yeah bye don't call.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The sharp light. Picking at my eyes. Needle shafts of. What have I begun or ended? What I've done. Sex as. Go to mass. Confession. And I thought I would not this again, is it the same as? Now I step. Pebble under toe. Think about. Kick. Not again. No. Stop. What's. See it spin. Look around. What if. I could. I could make. A whole other world a whole civilisation in this this city that is not home? The heresy of it. But I can. And I can choose this. Shafts of sun. Life that is this. And I can. Laugh at it because the world goes on. And no one cares. And no one's falling into hell. I can do. Puke the whole lot up. Wash my body on or off and think I'll be some new a disgrace. Slap in this alley with no doubt rats I am leaving. Epiphany. I am leaving home. I've picked up and left. Fresh. I'm already gone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the new world I am do this every single time I can. Don't take them to my own digs for my landlady I'm not having that going on in here. Instead become myself in rooms of cold familiar, for to me they are the same. Blankets in the window. Mattress on the floor. Same as last night same as weeks and weeks ago. No just leave the hall light on and take my trousers down.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Crumbs on the carpets and insects bite my back I don't care for. Nicer is not what I am after. Fuck me softly fuck me quick is all the same once done to me. And washing in their rusted baths and flushing brown with limescale loos amid the digs of four a.m. before I put my knickers on. Say stay the night but I am gone. Down back stairs fag glued lip sore on and wait for, get the night bus home.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We're in this. She and me together. Doing all the things we could to make us mad to make a tale. Dancing up upon the tables. Unbuttoning our tops. Throw our knickers in the air. Get out of this pub. Don't have your sort round here. Fuck you. Suck you. Ha ha ha. Chucked pub to another. As though we care for we are we are Boo!

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And tell me what you did? Did you do him this way that I. That's rank. Disgusting. You dirty slut. We drink to that we'll pour it down our gullets and go hunting for men.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Win the day and scrawling all the things I write on cigarette boxes in my head or in my hand. And flicks of it and stubs of pen with just about the ink run out. We're going madly she and me and all this time and I can be. Can do this if I like and if I want and no one's telling tales at home. I love the. Something of it all. Feeling ruined. Fucking. Off. I'm ready. Ready ready. To be this other one. To fill out the corners of this person who doesn't sit in photo's on the mantel next to you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

At Christmas. I come home. Down train forlorning what's going on. All the things that I will miss going back to the ground. Stickly conscience. But I won't. For I'm not doing that anymore. But. It's something. Peeling on the off the mask. Which? I don't know. Sorry. Which way round. So she'll see me. You will see me soon enough. But you won't know. I am very sure of that. I know I smell like cigarettes. That's one thing. And a rest?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hello. Hello. How are you love? And how are you? You alright? Was that. Train journey. Tired now. And how are you? Long time no see. It's good you can. That's all my bags. Thanks for that. Yes I dyed it. I don't know I like it something new. Good to keep me on my toes. You didn't recognise me. Your own girl. I haven't let it get that long. It needs a clip you're right I do. God it's raining. Yes. Go in. Don't stand in it. Did you park oh over there I see it. And what have you been up to since I? What. Not. Does that mean. Sitting at home on your arse sorry on your B.U.M. Ah don't worry I'm only messing. Are you at the shop? The still. The same? Still the. Oh right. Up a floor. I. Yes. That is something. Yes. Just pop it in the boot. Thanks. Right and. Hmmm. And. All the way home.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Those mash potatoes I like. At home with mince meat and peas. Burned. I like those the most. It catch me in the throat choke good. You're so sullen I say what's up with you? The computer game's stuck in the tape thing and I can't play again until it's out. It's boring God how can you play that? Stuff. Numbs your brain. Can't help it. Just like it. I'll show you later what it does. No. None of that she says. I don't want your sister getting all sucked in. What? I won't. Sure I'll have a little look.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And do and you talking like wild. See this fella he does that. See this fella he kicks him. See now. Hit. That button. Go on. Now. Now. Now. A back flip. Isn't it mad? Isn't it brilliant. I say. It is. And my lips. Addictive in my mouth. Definitely blanging that one down. Bash him hard into the floor. You saying left one right one that's it now and more forward get the hang. I. Hours of it. Hours of fun. Like we were Han and Luke again. Piddle fingers in the puddles. It's stupid game. It is. It is. Is it not life and death. We roll about the floor. Getting awful kick from this. I'm above I am not. Not tonight. Together. You. I.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

She's narking though. I don't notice first. Business of wearing my skirts to the ground and make-up. Then the jits I get from going without a drink. A little sup is what I'd like. I must not. Do not here. Go on a bit of Christmas wine. No. I hear her saying. Not you too now. Off at that. That nonsense. What? Every night. I never see my daughter now she's upstairs. Playing computers thought you had more sense. I thought I had one with the sense they were born with at least. What? How do you mean? All that rubbish up the stairs. I bought to be writing programmes or whatever it is. Not for that. For fun. To pass the time. It's a waste of it of God's good fruits. I don't think commodores were hanging on the tree Mammy don't start. Don't you be cheeky. I know you look down on me but I'll not have irreverence from. You especially. You're not too big. To? To what? To. Leave the room.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And again. Something else now. Salting her. What it is? You and your brother. You're not babies. God knows I have done my bit. What's the problem Mammy? Say what's wrong? Well. You know. I'm sitting down here on my own. I'm on my own here. Every night. I'd think you could spend some time with me. But. Mammy. Oh you're your own woman now. What does that mean? Well you know well Miss. Makes me craven sudden. Double up. What has she heard? Ah no. She'd say. If it was that. Sure. Yes she would. She would. She'd go spare. She'd not miss me hit the wall. Oh you don't think much of me. What I believe in. But you need not give your distain. What? So blatant. Bad as that. What? Like that. Brother of yours. My mouth pulsate guilty. Why what do you mean? Oh nothing. Nothing. Who am I to?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Growl about it all the weeks I'm here, she does. I can tell. It's to push me off your side. But. Still. I don't know. We are not the same. We are something else now. Shift. Allied in other places than we were. Games and stuff and fun that. I see it first then soon so much. And she is saying more than she was behind your back. There's a flea now, for your ear. My ear. I think about it. Bed at night. I'd justify. I throw. Mercy mercy God on me. There's so much. Dredge up so much muck. I'd drown in that much shit. I couldn't put a face on that. So listen, I say to myself. Listen careful to what she says. Listen. Hear it. What the words are. What's going on under them. Don't fight her. Hear that. God I know. Go on. This is it. She wants. I will do. She want that I'll rifle through your flesh. So now go. Ask her. Mammy? Say it right out. Is something wrong while I'm not around? What's the matter? Oh. I hear.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He's got this job and he won't drive but won't get a lift with yer one and he won't give me his pay now and won't move to his own and he won't help around the house and he won't fill the buckets clean the fire and his bin is full of sweets and he's getting tub now and he won't go out and he has no friends in and computer games morning noon and night and he won't make the dinner even if I'm at work til all hours and he won't even throw his laundry out and he won't make his bed and he gets raging if I say and he kicked my washing line pole in two and he won't clean the drains and he won't put up those shelves and he won't take the hoover out and he is eating curry noodles late at night and makes me wash his dishes up there's something wrong he's so unfair and I always did my best for you and worst off he won't come for prayers or on Sunday go to mass says Jesus shove it up his rear I never reared ye to speak like that and what shall I do with him what can I do he's a grown man he's twenty-one and sometimes I wish your father hadn't died that he'd had enough gumption to be a man it never would have been like this I know we've had our difficulties but you're such a good girl that I know I know I must have done something somewhere right what did I do to deserve this treatment?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I did try. I did try first. She won't hear. She will not. You know Mammy something's wrong. You know there is. And has been. She turn her eyes from me. I am not supposed to say. We aren't. None of us. A secret that we. Must not remember. I can't do. Say that. And I do know. She won't bear. It. Somehow she think that's not the truth. Better so lazy than. What? That's a trap. Leave it undone. Unsaid. It is true. But then? And so I say. Not. Nothing on this. Yes maybe nothing's really wrong. That's an excuse. Yes. More. I like that. It's, has been a lie I carry. Yes. I made it all up in my head. It is not it is. Yes it could be. Very well. How do I know? It was a long time. Broke a statue so what? She could have said anything then. Do I remember? Do I? Ha. So. Maybe not. Maybe not very well. Now. Some inside revolution I made. Turn the world about. So. On this day. I begin again. Again. It's easier and I breathe it in. Yes I will not know you very well or what inside's working right or wrong.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Cluck my feathers. Puff them up. Think. Right so. You're a fucking bastard. Actually. Fucking useless now I think. Carry on. Your rubbish. As though she hadn't had enough. You selfish fucking bastard shit. Just make her life misery and your own and my. Think I'll brave you. Tell you where you're wrong. Shall on her right side knight against you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I am in your room. Saying. So tell me. What's all this about? All this shit of you not doing this and that. This room's a pigsty. It's a hole. The smell of it in here. The stink. Your feet and you. Dried up food. Jes. Us. Open the window God. You turning. Say what's up? What? I. Look at this and all your clothes you know. She's not getting any younger. You're the only one at home. You're not a baby. I know. Then what are you going to do about this carry on? She can't be running after you all your life. You so bone idle. Does it all revolve around you? Sitting playing computer games. There's a whole world out there you know. You show no interest in anybody else. Not a civil word or help around the house. You know. Bring in the coal for her. Do the dishes. At least your own room should be clean. Is it you blame her? You were too lazy at school, is that it? Is it? You're not such a hard man now. No one to blame but yourself. Self-pity. Self-indulgence. Get up off your arse and do something with your life. Read a paper now and then. Or. Are you stupid? Have you no friends, little wonder. Who'd hang round with you? The state of this. Get yourself a girlfriend once or will you spend your whole life stacking shelves?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I like it you said. Running out your eye. I just like it it's fun to watch them doing kicks. I think I'd like to kick like that. I practise it when there's no one in. I hiyah'd the clothes line and it broke. But. By accident. Not. On purpose. I didn't know how to fix it but I tried. I propped it up. It was all rotten inside. I'm sorry. Sorry. I'll do better. I will. I. Do it then tomorrow. I. Don't be angry with me. Eyes in tears sniffing. You are so dissolved. Sop of them sitting hiccing in your mouth. Now's not supposed to work this way. Just thought you liked it kicking too you say. You and me isn't it just? Like when we were little playing all that stuff. Before. Clap. You know when you were thirteen but I remember we did have great games. Oh God. What have I said? Wilt guilty my own badness swilling up to my head. Bleeding through. Don't move. I can't. Anyway. Just get off your arse and pull your weight. That's it. Jesus. What have I done?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That night sitting sitting room. Her knits. Floor balls of wool. You come in. Quiet as any. With The Irish Times. Sitting back against the sofa. Doubled over and knees bent. Flick. Flick through it. Your eyes. Turned about. Think. Talk. And look at me and say. What do you think of that? And see this picture? See yer one? All the things out in the world. And fill your eyes up. Fill your nose. Then looking back and flick again. I saying Yeah or no or so? And pressing on. You. Here what you think? Your opinion of the thing? Aye yes and maybe no not me. Not so interested. Think nice to be left alone. You're trying too hard. Rubbing me the wrong way. Ho. Sniff. She says and what is that? Read the paper. Since when do you? Who got you up to that? And quiet cross the room you said she did. Point at me. Had a word. Put that flea in my ear. Did she now and what gave her the right? Turn. Now miss. What are you playing at? What? Come back here splashing orders saying who's doing what. Oh thinking you're so grand. Off up there at some college. You needn't come back here to be upsetting him. Your brother is your elder and you should respect that. Are you listening? I am. Almost to the floor. Gobsmacked. Right down there. Excuse me? All these weeks you've been giving out saying what a so and so he is. He's not doing that for me or this or this. So I had a little word with him. Told him what to do. Oh you did did you? Well aren't you great. And who asked you to or told you or wanted you to? You self-righteous Madam. Looking down your nose at me and your brother. I can tell. We get on. Just fine without you here. Fine without you. And I'll thank you not to interfere. The cheek. The cheek of it. Snapping snapping. So I got up. Went. Packed my bags. Left next morning by myself. I've had a fucking nough of this. Goodbye and then goodbye to you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I went off back to there and my best friend. Come on. She me go gallivanting. We'll run riot. Run the best. Ourselves and everyone else into the ground. Going on with. A project we like. That likes us. Bite and chew.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I give mother letters a miss after that. I'm not calling. Coming home. Being good and nice girl as I should. I know. Don't know what's the rub of it. And your birthday. That came. So what's it to me? I think I'll not. I'll not bother at all. Who to say I should. You're twenty- two. Too old for me to give a shit anymore.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

After that she and me go back to our work. Drink this. Go here. See him. Do that. Lie across each other's beds we tell each other sorts of things. It makes us such close friends. No bits pieces left unsaid. And truth now tell the truth we say. Her father felt her up. It makes her red and cry. Daddy still loves her the best but he wouldn't want anyone else to try. That is love. Her mother's milky bag of gins under the cupboard. Her sister is a fucking bitch. Always trying to get her in shit. I tell her. Kinds of stuff. About you. My brother's shy. Patterns of the truth but not it. I. Hold onto that. It's for dwelling in there. If she wants to spew it out, that's for her. Not me too. No need to say. What is there to say?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

When it was my own birthday. On the day. I am broke. Bloody. I. It has to be said. To turn nineteen. No cash under your wing. She says sure check your account. There could. You never know. Tenner. Fiver. Something you forgot. The wind clip my knees on that street. I stick my number in. Balance. Press. And guess. Guess what you know. There is in one hundred pounds. For me. For me. Hmm. Ssssh. I know from where. So thump my heart. Jesus. He did not. He didn't. Oh God. He did. You did that. She's leaping click her heels. We're grand grand hip hurray. I didn't like that much. Pilfer pursing my tenners. It was not so much fun knocking vodkas down my trough. I've a bad head. About it. Still now. Thinking you made the effort. Look what I did. Not. Not such a nice. No. Fuck him anyway. He's sucking up. Thinks I'll get all melted. I won't. Yep. These are my guns and I'll stick to them. Yep. I'm sticking. Creeping. I wish you hadn't. Or I was. But I'll still spend it all.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I met a man. I met a man. I let him throw me round the bed. And smoked, me, spliffs and choked my neck until I said I was dead. I met a man who took me for walks. Long ones in the country. I offer up. I offer up in the hedge. I met a man I met with her. She and me and his friend to bars at night and drink champagne and bought me chips at every teatime. I met a man with condoms in his pockets. Don't use them. He loves children in his heart. No. I met a man who knew me once. Who saw me around when I was a child. Who said you're a fine looking woman now. Who said come back marry me live on my farm. No. I met a man who was a priest I didn't I did. Just as well as many another one would. I met a man. I met a man. Who said he'd pay me by the month. Who said he'd keep me up in style and I'd be waiting when he arrived. No is what I say. I met a man who hit me a smack. I met a man who cracked my arm. I met a man who said what are you doing out so late at night. I met a man. I met a man. And wash my mouth out with soap. I wish I could. That I did then. I met a man. A stupid thing. I met a man. Should have turned on my heel. I thought. I didn't know to think. I didn't even know to speak. I met a man. I kept on walking. I met a man. I met a man. And I lay down. And slapped and cried and wined and dined. I met a man and many more and I didn't know you at all.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I saw that then. It happened a lot. You putting money in. Here for you. Little bit. I but I never say thanks. I never said. Sorry for that now. I don't really know what I was up to.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So she called me when are you coming home? We haven't seen you in an age. Now you will. Come home now. Ah you will. It's your home. Where you belong. I'm praying for you everyday. Ah come for Easter. Ah you will. It's been a year. Do. Ah. Do. We want to see you. Should do. Should do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Sure parents drag you in the muck, through puffs of fag ash on my bed. You'll make her happy. Why don't you go. It's no skin of your nose anyways.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Clippedy clop. Ah train. Going back down there. Those fields. Going through them just like then. Drowned over. Filled up with rain. Even cows drown here. Even sheep. Even people if they're lucky. Children falling under every year. All the suffocated grass. The world's submerged in raining. And feel old lady rosaries crossing over me. Like music's going in my brain. Against me. I would. Push. Away. Get off this shore. Let this chalice pass. That old prayer. Not forget that. Me. If Jesus was here he'd have gone. Running. Screaming with his sandals all flapping in through the cow shit. Oh God get me out of this. No not my will but thine be done. If they could see me saying this. See under my skin. Awful know. The knowledge. Jesus. Poison that. Their lives and minds. Impious me. But see. But see. I'd give sacrilege a good go to be shot of it. Free of it. What? I don't know what. But it knows me. Give me a good bite in its jaws. That'll break my neck in time. That'll have me eventually where I am, it wants me. Crunched and obey. All over. Over there. Those houses passing by. Those bungalow dot dot my conscience. Shall I not do right? It's a cess pit. A suck pool. Where all dead go. Am I. Will I. End up like them. Live and drown here. Filling my lungs. There's no escape. Get out for likes of me. Gurgle liquid up. Hold my nose. Fall in. Ah God. Shut up. You're only fucking going home. It's not that bad it is. Is. Not. There. Go on. Give over with all that then.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That station I know it. It's here. I'm yes that's fine. Hello. Hello. Lovely to see you. Yes. Something. What? What is it? We had some news. Yes? Your grandfather's. Died. Oh. In his sleep. I know it is a dreadful shock. Oh terrible. So. We'll have to pack the car. Go north for the funeral. I haven't seen him in a good what fifteen years. Oh Mammy. And true she looks dread. Hug her. Think well at least I'm glad I've come for something even this. She hic and cry. That old bastard. Get me all stirred up. Riled. But still. But still. Hello. Yes. To you. Standing. Strange what was that? Off a bit from her. Something of your look gave me. Something. What? There's a bit. Something. In there. Anyway. Hello.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

At the house. That's the same. It was a year ago. But calmer. And my eye catch dust. Some giving up or winding down? I can't decide.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Pack it. Yes pack that have you got black? With you. I always have. Just as well. You must you know she says. My family. Everyone will be on the look. A good gawk. Sure you know the type of them. Always something to say. Who gives a fuck? Don't show me up she says. And none of that foul mouth if you don't mind. It's just a word. You father was a well-spoken man at all times. Do I give a. Don't please don't just not today. We'll have a fight another time. Just check your brother's packed his bags. That fella's memory is shot to hell. Are you packed there? I am. Are you sure? Yes. Are you? I said I'm sure. Throw that in the car. I did already. Good for you. You two. Please just stop it now.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We're driving off. We're going. I think well Granda's dead. What do I care? That's crept in me. Listless. Quiet. Dead inside perhaps me. I'm not. I am not. Who's he anyway to me?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hours and hours. Here we are. Sea wind slit breath. Salting in my mouth. That's a sharp sharp air. Give you ice in the eyes. Sea pitch pulling itself over and back. Greenish blacky. Drag off groaning rocks. I close my door. Lock it tight. I haven't been to his house. Take out the bags from the back she says to you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He lived looking out on that. Cliff ahead. No wonder he was such a strange. The front door opens. Inside people there. Such aunts and uncles I've not known before. Even you. Bewildered by all that lot of them. That's a whole ocean of cousins alone. Hordes. In a shipwreck I would chuck the lot. Go in. Go in. Hello. Sit down. God years and years. Is it? Years and years. They pockle on us. Make up some tea. Can't you see they're froze? Will you have a sandwich? Ham? Egg? Cheese? Sure this lovely one with salad cream that make me retch, bit of lettuce and corned beef. I will. I'm grand. Well just the one. Bite into that as introducing's begin.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Now this is so and so. Seen you in years and years. And shaking all their sweating hands. Get kiss off the aunts. Some of them. More leather looking than our own and dyed, made up this one that, with great precaution for their age. But I can see her off their eyes. The browny almond turn at end. They're not so friendly. Maybe are a little bit on the sly. It's much too small here for us all they say but two in a bed couch and armchair, you'll be grand. I. Glare at me. I won't complain. He would want it wouldn't he? Yes I suppose indeed.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Some of them smoke some of them drink. A whiskey at the table. Ice up there in the fridge. Do not you. Mammy just a little one. As though I could stop you. She's that headstrong. Go on.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And uncles. Now with my mouth full of egg. I have not thought. Oh God. Of. Right. Here. Knock it back now. You'll be fine I say. You never did. Any wrong. So.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Not this one. He's a bit small. This one taller and too fat but gives hugs like he knows me. This one. Not. This one. Isn't him. Not him hello how are you? Not. God where is he where is she? They haven't got here yet. Their plane's not in til very late. On top of that. A long drive here. Awash that is relief for me. Just now. He is. But later on.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I sit crossing my legs. Wish I could smoke. I cannot. Oh just the one. She'd kill me. I'd be killed for that so maybe later on alone. Hear all the recalling going on. Well he went quick at the end. I'd say he would have liked that. You know he was always scared to die. So that's the best. God rest his soul. The bastard. No now's not the time for. Amongst themselves. The varied factions. Good for keeping well away.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And off across the hall I hear the sobbers too. Taking it in fits. Go howling. There now. Don't do that. On to the next and on and on. I didn't think he was liked like that. All cousins staring past each other thinking who's this one? Whose one is that? Evade the meat press parents going talk to so and so. Now you like computers talk to him. Poems you say. Well that stumped him for a moment til bright bollocks spark came scurry back with see her there? She's a one to meet. She writes for the local. I'm fine thanks where I am.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Such a long time listening to all these things. Blistering blister so proud of us. Tape measuring everybody's life to the wall I realise he's up the stairs. Grandfather. Stretched out lying there. In bed. In state. In his pin-striped suit. With his hair gelled back. Hmm like a red rag. I have to go up. Take a little look. I'd like to. Innermost in. I've never seen a body properly dead before. I bide my moments. Then. Quick. They're merging on the fruitcake. Out. I slip off. Should not? Isn't he is mine as well and doesn't just belong to them.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Stairs are creaking. Much more cool up here. Turned off the radiators of course I know. The pale light spew the landing underneath his bedroom door. Is it his now? Whose is it then? They're laughing downstairs. Great wild roar haw hawing. Covering me. Covering the sea sound.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I push it little stiff. Small feet he had. And very shiny shoes. The leg. His jacket tucked just neat around him. Very clean. A candle burning. And his hands pressed Jesus in the garden. And white and white as hell. His nails the colour of his face. Translucent let the light go through. The cold room. Jesus freezing. Where he did not expect to die.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So Granda. I don't talk to the dead. So now. That's strange to see him here. Dead. I could give him a kick if I liked. But it's not worth the hassle now. I could undo his flies for shame. I know he wouldn't have wanted me to. Or kiss. Poke him. Squeeze out an eye. I'd lift it but. Maybe. No. Better not touch. I haven't seen him that to this. He's looking so unrumpled now. Just not that angry. As he could be nice. I doubt that very much. I know they've washed him. Stuffed his throat. And packed his arse with cotton wool. Two p's something on his eyes. What else. Stretched him so he's straight. The eldest daughter. Did that. On her own up here. A nurse or some kind of thing. No undertakers in this house. In this house we do our own post-life stuffing. I splinter at the sides. To think of it. That fairly strange. To do that to your father. That you like or don't, depending. I don't know so well. Is it not unhygienic? Still. The doctor said fine. Signed it all and all of that. So Granda.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I put my finger in his pocket. What have you there? A sweet. A toffee chew. A scrunch of wrapping. Lump of dust. Well Granda not so bad. And into dust you shall return. I eat it. Glad. It isn't stale. So quiet in this room and cold. As cold in death I'd say. And nothing new under the sun at that. I got up. Looked from his window. All the sea going below. Strange at all this going on. Last night he didn't know he'd be dead. I didn't think I would be here. That his daughter would be stuffing things up his rear end. What would you make of me hey if you could see me now? Having a good look in your pockets. In your bedroom all alone. A photo on his bed stand. Some woman's face that I don't know. Perhaps he loved someone once. It can't. I can't tell. But not his lot of family laughing way down there. Does it it doesn't really matter now. I'll sit here. I will sit down til long after everyone's gone to bed. Look at you Granda. Keep you company. For no one's praying for your soul. And no one will sit with you tonight. Doze beside the corpse. Not a head look in. Distract my vigil of sleeping or poke about his room. He's as private as he'll ever be right now. What's all that to him?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Three or four cold woke me up. At last in the night they have come through the door. I hear umbrellas shaking down the stairs. It's raining out. That's right. Them clomping into the kitchen. Their daughters exasperate the cold. They clunk the range and stir the turf and turn the electric kettle on. A few still up who have been drinking. Saying fruitcake? And over there there's butter cheese a bit of beef. The aunt is clucking. Pass the knife the plate a round of bread. Now where will my girls stretch out the night? I'm listening til I hear him. Nothing. Don't hear him say at all. For ages. Must been slurping. Tea up. Whiskey. Warm the bones. I almost debate go down and join them. Think. I will not. I'm a mess. And so much family around the place. I'd see him if I could. No. Why'd I want to? On my own. Now that won't happen. Such throngs of all above below. And only two days. Maybe three. I give up. I creep. I creep. I go up the stairs to the five-cousin bedroom I am in. Get in the two-cousin double bed I share.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That morning. Blowing breath across my face. Cousin hair in my eyes. Younger. White to the touch and much too close. See her eyelids going I feel the sun thinking it will get here somehow through. So get up. Cold all round me. Going up my feet. Somewhere in this house is. I walk there look out. Brave day for all the clouds. It could might be sunny later. In here. Downstairs. I'll get washed and dressed. Go on out and up the beach a bit. Across the stones. See if there's a view. Be out. Be out a lot. And so much people clatting clatting downstairs. They're all get ready. Make the way for visitors condolers and drinkers of tea. I don't want. Roped up with that.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

My face tight. Washed out. Fine I'm wan. Whey. Even mascara can't do plenty. I go down. Wearing my best frock not the black. Soon's soon enough for that. Too soon. I'd almost say but banging heart stops that. I am. I should be. There's an awful lot that's going on today.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I see you hunkered by the fireplace. Giving it a good rake out. Morning. Sleeping? Did you have? Some wriggling little farting one who wasn't sleeping half the night. We played gameboy after that. Well just as well you brought it then. True you say. I go on in now. Don't be nervous. Don't delay.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride