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craigelder proof reading defra greener living fund bid only a govt dept could have a grant application deadline this close to easter

kisluvkis oh that is very sad poor boy

mostazzza im sorry i ve failed you

we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co kt eyujmrw

theletterj couldn t agree more people keep stealing my elastic band ball

birutagme yeah it wa really depressing stuff like that get to me

fuck antidepressant all i want is a hug i know a hug will make me feel so good right now that s it that s my cent

jonathanrknight you sure did do some tweet and i missed them glad to see you re enjoying urself always nice to hear from you x

it sprained so glad im on holiday

downloading the torrent of last night s sytycda where my love bj wa tragically but predictably eliminated

what depressing is that i have covid stuck in my room for day lost weight bc i havent been eating bc i think im a burden for asking for food i actually thought my sister would at least help me my year old sister is sleeping in the lounge room for the time being and whenever i ask if there food kitchen is step away from living room she doesnt check and say idk didnt look a for my twin i ask her to her me smth and she would say i cant be bothered tell j younger sister to get it i only get snack and food when she s already at the shop i would do anything but why cant they do it for me im the oldest sister and i dont get respect it sad and depressing

fabianv what kind of doc and what are you using to write them we re always behind on our doc

maybe that wa unclear i m planning to post on my own website later than usual today due to technical issue

also i can t even look nobody in the eye because of it wtf do i do it s ruining the relationship i have with my family and parent it s just pissing me tf off i went to get a haircut today but walked tf out because i wa too anxious and my anxiety wa high so when i walked in i sat all the way in the back so my barber and other people wouldn t see me because of my dumbass anxiety but how else wa i gon na get a cut if he couldn t see me right so like i said i just walked tf out with my head down n cried when i got home

it happens a lot when i dissociate at least i have been all day and everything seems like it s moving at the speed of light my whole body feel dizzy and shaky too because i slept hour the main cause of me dissociating today and sometimes it ll randomly feel like everything is going super slow and it feel like i m like stuck in quick sand or something trying to move forward and do stuff but something keep pulling me back

is this common or am i just the only one who s like this

listening to bjork s all is full of love cry

having lunch on my desk while i work

benackerman btw my iphone is acting funny dying quickly and freezing and b i m not admitting anything just sayin

i m 9 i m in recovery for marijuana addiction i want to quit juuling soon it s making me so depressed and anxious i feel financially insecure i m not happy at my job and oftentimes time i feel suicidal i don t want to rely on med have any of you felt this way and made drastic change and turned it all around this is absolutely the most depressed i ve ever been and i ve never thought about suicide this much before i m seeing a therapist but ultimately i want to start leading a well rounded life with healthy coping mechanism that don t involve health insurance ha anyone ever done this have you gone through a dark era where suicide wa on your mind constantly but then you turned it around need some hope some story that make me think it s possible

krisbelieve andarson brel basilngidi mizzzidc eng bystuff mj cachinnate yea you are right imagine the pain and depression the mother will go through when she find out her own blood daughter ha humiliated her in bird app because of a nike of how much

hi so this morning ha been really rough and i m experiencing worse than usual muscle spasm a a result of my anxiety how can i stop this it s on the entire left side of my body and it s making my anxiety worse i m a bit scared i ll need to go to a hospital and i don t want to my entire left side of my body is tingling too i m just really anxious is there any way i can calm down or stop this

sephystryx i ve been looking about for good stuff to write but also been doing load of uni work

i see it a the only solution that will make this everyday pain i feel go away forever

delustre i wan na watch dollhouse i haven t seen any eps yet i lt eliza dushku so much lol

amp x 00b how do u deal with the loneliness when living alone how do u engage yourself who do u talk to i literally crave some human being to talk to but have only few friend

is going to be a long week funeral and work tomorrow jac

could you imagine angel eva fight against titan we got double depression http t co rqscb dom

i m so tired of this i don t even know where to start so i ll just say what come up out of the top of my head a i write this i came here so that i could vent about some college related stuff at the beginning of the semester i decided to enroll in class to pick up the pace and get on schedule to graduate i wasn t necessarily looking forward to it but i wasn t regretting it either until now that is since the start of the semester i ve been feeling like i just can t pay attention i find all my class to be extremely uninteresting and i don t even take note every week is just a struggle to get through it without any prep time for the next one i swear there hasn t been one week where i don t have any homework all five of my class have already given the first partial exam later than usual and a expected they were all essentially at the same time it wasn t until this week that all the result came back and obviously it wasn t pretty so for the first partial exam out of all five i got f s in of them a c pretty proud of it actually and a b i know that perhaps i haven t been trying my hardest since i really don t pay attention in class i watch the recording and study for them later but i wa devastated regardless i spent countless hour studying for them only to see failure hit my liver i have so little energy that i can t even cry about how i failed the first exam of of my class i ve been so stressed out that a rash started popping up in my neck and chest i ve never been failing this hard in my life and frankly i m scared i can t show my true emotion because i don t want anyone to worry and i can t talk to my therapist because of the time my study consume at the end of the day all i feel is anxiety and the despair of having to repeat class and be even further behind schedule for graduation

it seems like it s just who how i am that s making me this miserable i ve tried it all it just seems hopeless

will probably be in scotland next week http plurk com p n0ivz

i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me maybe i m only good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage

been on fluoxetine for year but anyway there seems to be some stupid national shortage and i m just constantly having to wait extra week for my med and missing out so i m just gon na come off them i don t think they help anyhow so the plan is to take one every other day for two week then one every day for a week then one every four day for a long a they last doe that sound like i could avoid withdrawal

it just make me happy over and over again i wish i wan t afraid to fly http tinyurl com skpp

woo for three page down and seven to go why in heck do i procrastinate goal for grad school do not wait

theekween help people who suffer from depression anxiety loss of loved one heartbreaking or have witness something traumatic thelmaherbs

life is fucking hard that s it we care which ha left many of u with scar disappointment rejection one of the few emotion we carry daily bc we see no hope the overwhelming feeling that we should be doing more but what is the fucking point just do something feel sorry for yourself i feel sorry for you i feel sorry for myself yet our dream are keeping u alive suffocating u to do something no matter how little the task it make a difference so if you want to lay in bed binge watch cinema or sleep away your thought away do what you must your dream still life on we re waiting for you when you wake up rock tar

lil bean always monkey hugging mama mama in her favorite hoodie finding comfort where we can from the pain and depression respectively we re okay and we re also a goddamn mess http t co jflyzoigh9

riancurtis i m here friend and i love you

new testament test at 9 0 am

working too need a break too

i often hold myself back from doing the thing i want to do because i don t feel like i meet the bare minimum standard to have realistic prospect for success what should i do to overcome this for instance i would love to be able to have a job earn money and be self sufficient i lost three job over the course of three month from 0 0 and i wound up in a deep depression from which i ve been trying to crawl out of ever since i later realized that i have adhd pi which explains nearly every factor that contributed to my past underperformance i wa often late for work i called in sick when i couldn t get out of bed i wa slow at my job etc i didn t realize that the issue i had were outgrowth of executive dysfunction and once i realized i had adhd everything suddenly made sense i had always been told and in fact came to believe that i wa just lazy that my lack of success wa my attitude towards work and it wa a simple a that but no it s not actually so simple even so i feel like i need to be 00 confident that it s under control before i attempt to re enter the workforce here s why i view being hired for any job a a promise on your part when you accept a position you are implicitly agreeing that you will be consistently hard working focused and reliable by consistently i mean at least 99 of the time everyone ha the occasional bad day where they underperform but to be a good employee this need to be a rare occurrence no more than maybe once every six month or so at the absolute most you need to be on time you need to be consistently applying yourself to the extent where you re feeling exhausted by the day s end and you need to be making a sustained effort to be living up to and preferably exceeding the expectation that are set out for you by your employer in short you either make a full commitment or you don t in my opinion if you apply for a job and accept a position knowing full well that you re going to struggle with thing a basic a punctuality or worker engagement it is disingenuous for you to even send in an application in the first place another example at year old i have never gone out on a single actual date with a woman let alone anything beyond that it just feel futile for me to even ask a woman out i find it unrealistic to think that a woman would find me physically or romantically attractive i feel like in order to date someone you have to be their equal by most metric equally attractive equally successful etc at the very least you have to fulfill some basic criterion be employed full time have a driver s license own a car be adept at handling social situation take good care of your body and your appearance maintain a consistently clean and orderly living space etc similar to employment asking somebody out feel like yet another unspoken agreement in doing so you are effectively conveying that you have your life together are able to keep it together on a consistent basis for the foreseeable future and want to get to know them on an intimate level once again you either make a full commitment or you do not if you can t give it 00 on a consistent basis then don t waste their time there are other thing that hold me back from dating another factor is that i m terrified of inadvertently going about it in an inappropriate manner e g wrong place wrong time misreading signal and making her uncomfortable with my overture then there s the fact that i m asexual and probably wouldn t have a high enough libido to satisfy most woman on a frequent enough basis but the main reason is the fact that i don t think i am capable of making a full commitment in my mind it s all or nothing i guess the long and short of it is that i don t apply for work ask woman out or do much of anything with my life because i don t think i m good enough i m not worthy i doubt my capability a being on the same level a everyone else and i don t want to pretend like i am capable of maintaining the kind of commitment that most people are able to make

tairinonfir fudiggity shark ozero my bc packet low estrogen le severe side effect reason men dropped out in 0 study pain acne depression suicidal thought the depression wa main listed reason for halting trial one case of possible infertility current monitoring i m not saying male bc http t co e l i wdf

everything is still broken

seattle is in tent i miss my t o peepz tho

here the reason we used to stay in a nice house everything went well for several year all this time he father ha been borrowing money in mother s name now we stay in tiny home fight everyday mom in horrible health condition and he just sits and watch tv the whole fucking day no way to pay back debt he doesnt care about me or my mother at all he speaks to others like he is thier owner and they are his slave no care for anyone just smoke all day my life is ruined i have no one to talk to no real friend and about to relapse into old bad coping mechanism i dont know why i am living but once i graduate i want to take my mom and go away from him forever i live scared thinking and hoping he doesnt abuse my mother he doe but not physically only way for me and my mom to recover is his death or ours

i m having a horrible night and i m too nervous to call the suicide crisis hotline i just need someone to talk to really bad please

please do not read if you re in a bad mental state currently is it painful to overdose and d e on medication can someone who ha experienced an 0verdose from a combination from the following list please explain the sequence of event adderall doxepin duexis ibuprofen famotidine pristiq abilify buspar alcohol and c0caine do any combination of these allow someone to d e in their sleep without feeling pain i know many prescription medication including some of the one previously listed are designed to make death from taking too many difficult i also know surviving an attempt can be very painful and lead to lasting negative health effect what do you do if someone is unresponsive locked in their room you d call 9 and they would be the one to break down the door and enter keeping you from seeing anything right lastly can a family cover up someone s su c de attempt and keep it a secret out of the medium can they just tell people it wa a drug 0verdose or is there no way to avoid everyone knowing what happened i m sorry for these asking these question

tayswift i wa up at am btw congrats on winning album of the year you deserve it i can t not shed a tear to white horse

recently me and my boyfriend had issue that have been accumulating come to a head for a week i wasn t sure if he wa going to leave because of them and for a week i tried to decide what i wa going to do if he did everything is fine now thankfully we talked and we re working on our issue the main one being that he need my help to open up emotionally so he doesn t bottle them up the reason his flight instinct kicked in and he almost broke it off wa because i had stopped checking in on him and thus he thought that meant i didn t want to know i know this sound odd but this is what he told me in actuality i did want to know we just got to the point that i thought he d just tell me i wa wrong this is going exactly the way you think it is during that week i decided that if he left me i wa going to end my life at the time i didn t know that him bottling thing up wa the reason he wa talking about a lot of other thing namely my increased anxiety and me not coping well with it on my own he said i wa overloading him which i understand he also said that i seemed more angry with him over time and more anxious and that that made him feel badly about himself i didn t know any of this i thought he would tell me i ve had a traumatic life spent year feeling unloved by my family lived in a home where i wa unwelcome accumulated five mental disorder and last year wa committed for suicidality i spend the majority of my time trying to be a good of a person a i possibly can and i wa doing that with him a well and i failed obviously i came to the conclusion that if he decided that the issue we had were too fundamental to who i am and therefore unfixable that he wa probably right i spent the last few day of that week planning my death decidng what my note would look like of which there would be many one for each member of my family and for the first time actually wanted to die when i wa committed before i wa delusional i didn t want to die i thought that i had to to end the suffering this time i just didn t want to go on i figured i had given it my best shot and now the only way i could be of any use wa to leave my loved one alone and write them letter to soothe their grief and i knew some would be sad some would be angry but i just couldn t do it anymore and now he s saying these issue are fixable that he love me and want to stay that he still see good in me but now i feel confused i wa expecting to die this week i expected him to end it today or over the weekend and that didn t happen emotionally i am a wreck and neither he nor anyone else know i didn t tell him because i didn t want that to affect his decision and i would rather cut off my arm then manipulate people i love i won t tell him now either if he ever doe decide to leave he need to feel free to do so and now i just i ve discovered how dependent i am on others to give me value i simply don t believe that everyone ha value some people namely rapist serial killer people who hurt people over and over with no remorse etc don t and thus that mean that to keep myself from being hypocritical i have to apply my belief system to myself a well in the past i told myself that i am simply too unwell to make that decision objectively but now that feel like running away from the question i am just reconciling this relationship is inherently unstable because me and him are both highschoolers and i have enough illness to mark me insane i ve realized that i won t be able to handle loosing him because i think he is such a great human being and he s treated me so well if we ever split i ll know it wa my fault and apparently that mean more to me than i thought no one in my life can know this happened specifically because i recently went off of my anxiety medication and they ll say thats why this happened this doesn t make sense because when i wa commited last year i wa taking the medication and that didn t prevent me from being suicidal and because the side effect of the medication made my life significantly worse and harder so i doubt going back on it would really help i will not discus why because it is horribly embarrassing and feel dehumanizing and i don t want anyone s opinion i just want to know how do i move on all it took wa a week for those thought to become instinct again and they re still following me typically i move on quickly partly because of my dissociative disorder and it d only take a day or two to forget but this isn t dissapearing i ve damaged my psyche and i don t know what to do about it i can t talk to a therapist in my experience they don t actually know how to help you move on from a period of suicidality they only know how to keep you from doing it i think cbt the therapy not the drug could help honestly but i doubt seriously i could find a therapist who doesn t think suicidal thought disappear after you re commited at least thats how they treated it at the psych ward they act like your thought should be gone in a week last time i opened up about this i felt like i wa being punished by my family and by my doctor actually i m still being punished at least by my family everyone ha an opinion about your suicidality and everyone make it about themselves i just mean to say opening up isn t an option i don t need further punishment or have people angrier with me than they were before how can i in my own time and on my own term move foward i know there s a way especially since i m motivated though my heart is probably in the wrong place because my reason for being motivated is so that it doesn t affect my boyfriend and i feel i should specify i don t mean how can i tackle the root i can actually do that in therapy without risking hospitalization i just mean a of now how can i wrangle myself together and keep moving

everything and everyday is a struggle because i don t feel like nothing make sense i wake up on my way to work i just keep thinking why why eating why working why having a hobbie why do you guy feel it too and how to deal with that

my mind and body are severely protesting this quot getting up quot thing had nightmare to boot

i don t remember the last time i wa really able to open up to someone every time i do it seems like i just make them uncomfortable or i get ignored so i ve just stopped i can t even open up to my therapist like i want to and it seems like she want nothing to do with me anymore i ve ghosted almost all of my friend at this point which i don t regret they constantly left me out of thing stood me up and were in general kind of shit friend i want to connect to other people but there s something wrong with me and i can t figure out what

i feel a if life is winning i simply dont want to be here anymore i cant tell if im loved by my parent because it certainly doesnt feel like it i feel like they just use me a a maid and thats just how ive been taught since i wa younger so there not and reason to think that im unable to every week feel the same monday friday is homework with study group and im struggling in class because i cant remember shit it not that i dont pay attention in class it that i am mentally unable to rememebr shit i know back in high school i never had the problem then two year of covid hit and now im aa dumb a rock in a engineering major ive wanted to switch so many time every semester but each time someone talk me out of it ive told my parent twoce already but they insist that i finish school before trying to learn other thing i cant tell if my girlfriend love me anymore after the argument we had a week or two ago about me playing clash of clan and not giving her attention even though i feel like im doing everything i can to give her attention i cant sleep anymore and i just find myself staying up late and repeating the cycle it not like im not trying to better myself either i go to the gym with my friend at school and ive been doing it for week now i just thought it would help me get into the right mindset and help me focus more on school and maybe bring me out of this year depressive episode ive been in since covid started but nothing ive done work now im afraid that i have been pushing my gf and my close friend away and i just want to end it all i just want to jump off a bridge into oncoming traffic where i will have no chance of recovering i just want to go so badly but i cant im trapped not by others but by myself cry doesnt make me le of a man right

death is peaceful life however bite

back in those skin crawling boredom bout that just result into depression bc like nothing is worth it anymore cheerz

i ve been suicidal on and off for just over year i ve been in therapy for i ve been on antidepressant for i just got out of the psych ward for the first time and now i m in a stupid zoom partial program i ve been taught countless coping skill and way of managing difficult emotion through cbt dbt act you fucking name it they re suggesting that i go to a residential program for a few week but there s no cure for depression everyone keep talking to me about college but i can barely think a month into the future never mind a year and thinking of the whole rest of my life just stretching out ahead of me just make me exhausted i m expected to keep doing this for like 0 more year at the end of the day i just can t imagine going on like this forever and i know it get better and all that bullshit but i m so sick and tired of waiting for better sure there are better day but that just make it all the more frustrating when the bad one come i m ready for this just to be over

loris sl i see they are still having aftershock over there i m following eqwatch which tell me there s just been another quake

davenavarro wa wondering where you d been you ve been so quiet these day miss the chatty dave

morning bah car won t start waiting for the anwb

so in the last night i drink a lot nothing not normal for me and then everytime e drunk to much i enter in a spiral of shame i encounter my mother and i felt ashamed because i wa so drunk and my father is a alcoolic i drop a dish and the thing scalated e begun to cry and cut my self with the piece of glass without knowing what i wa doing it happens so many time when i drunk to much i tend to self harm and self heatred i just dont like anymore what my mother see in me im ashemed of myself how dare i put my mother in so much struggle because i wa drunk and begun act of self harm from dropping a dish i will go to a psychologist today i love my mum and everytime e break her heart i cut myself and begun a spiral of mental fog knife amp x 00b help me i love my mom

ah i hate flu now it third day guess what happened accidently i shaved my eye brow off i need glass

at the african woman in cinema blog archive african woman in cinema addressing issue of mentalhealth in africa link to post postpartum depression http t co rnrigvs j9 anxiety http t co b brzdrryx alzheimers http t co dsnoagfosb http t co loww iymvn

so i had a doctor s appointment on a school day and i wa so anxious about missing day of school i wa cry because i would miss stuff that day and wa anxious about being behind on my work because my grade are expected to stay the same and not drop is this anxiety or just pressure put on me

dra on now i am sad co u r sad

hatoumadks mdrrrr d pression c est petit m me

hello everyone i m an 9 year old male with a perfectly normal bmi 9 lb or cm 0kg i ve never smoked in my life i ve never tried drug and i don t drink alcohol no history of cancer or heart issue in my family so it all begun this july when i woke up with an intense chest pain i thought i wa having a heart attack and my mother slashed me to the er i had a blood test ekg ultrasound everything wa clear one week later i caught covid but the symptom were mild and i wa also vaccinated so in september i took a cbc again in order to get an accutane treatment for my acne the cbc came back with high wbc and lymphocyte 0 and normal are 0 0 0 for wbc and 0 for lymphocyte they told me it might be cause of covid and i should retake the cbc in a month meanwhile i begun to get daily intense chest pain at the upper left part where i can feel my heart so i got another appointment with a cardiologist in october i went to the cardiologist who did an ekg echo they told i have very few pvc s but that wasnt something concerning for the doc so they told me i don t have any heart issue now my cbc came back with more elevated wbc and lymphocyte and at the time i had also developed everyday abdominal pain and lot of gas like i have to fart all the time and the fart last long also i feel a fullness to my abdomen and i get spasm or fasciculation all over my body everyday i got an abdominal ultrasound which came back normal my poop also come back in thin layer which look nothing like before in december i met with an hematologist oncologist who put me on like 0 test and everything came back clear except my wbc which were again elevated at this time and lymphocyte at in september they were 0 and in december the hematologist told me that i have a reactive lymphocyticosis and it s nothing serious before i caught covid in july at the er my wbc and lympho were perfectly normal he said i should retake a cbc in month in order to check i also visited a gastroenterologist who said that i probably have nothing since i m too young and prescribed me omeprazole for 0 day it didn t help at all i also take vit d supplement because i have a deficiency i also had a poop culture which came back clear i decided that i should look into my thyroid for the heart etc so i got a thyroid ultrasound and some lab with bloodwork everything came back clear again along with some inflammation lab crp igm igg igg which were all negative the latest test were conducted in december now it s been like month that i m living in daily pain i can feel something like a rapid heartbeat in my abdomen jerk or twitch hand back etc my body is pumping all the time i think they re called fasciculation i get them like every 0 minute and it s so so annoying i also get the intense chest pain everyday i feel like my heart is gon na leave me or something it s really painful and i feel like dying the pain is very intense my abdomen also hurt everyday i have so much gas and ramblings i think it s everywhere in my body and i can t stand it my belly usually hurt at the upper left part but the pain is everywhere i m also severely bloated i also got covid again just a few day before new year im afraid to take a cbc now cause i believe that my wbc will have skyrocketed my symptom were worse than first time i had a high fever for day 9 c and i still have some cough i feel that this will really mess my immune system more than it s already messed up i guess it s already messed up because my covid symptom were much worse than in july even though i had the delta variant in july and now the omicron which is weaker i asked if i can get a colonscopy but they told me that they re meant for people over the age of 0 and me with no family history i m not a candidate for it plus i have no blood weight loss etc pretty much every test i ve taken come up normal except my wbc which keep raising every month i m so afraid that i have something serious like colon cancer or crohn s my quality of life ha really deteriorated i can t study any more i m gon na fail my uni final i can t do anything i m in daily pain my heart hurt my acne ha dominated my body it s really everywhere chest back butt face even thigh we re talking really bad cystic acne here not pimple and with bad break out i can t lie on my bed because my back bleeds because of it and i still haven t gotten the accutane because of my blood i also want to start working out but the pain are scaring the shit out of me thinking that i m gon na pas on the treadmill or something the acne ha also destroyed my self esteem and it s worse than ever been battling with it for almost year now i also get random pain all over my body lower back headache arm etc i really don t wan na die yet but my life is really shitty hell i would give everything to feel good again tbh i don t know what test i can take anymore to shed some light in my case should i ask for an mri my parent have really got full of me i ve ripped them off by dragging them to so many appointment i ve had more than 0 since july they have to pay i can literally feel my left part of my belly pumping right now i ve tried taking laxative dulcolax for day but my constipation and thin stool turn into diarrhea and more pain i also get some sharp pain here and there that last a few second i m so afraid it s cancer tumor or leukemia or autoimmune which will make me suffer for life only the thought of it make me wan na vomit i m only 9 goddammit i think that covid might have triggered an autoimmune disease or something i guess my nerve system is really broken right now lastly my mentally healthy ha really deteriorated at this point symptom started at of july and today it s the th of march everything is a lot worse than it wa before i wake up from my sleep with panic attack i m thinking about death all the time

snick the dog if izzy s on the cat tree she ll stare him down but if she s on the floor he chase and she run

so i ve been browsing this sub for a while don t have much to do today so i figured i might a well vent on here i guess to introduce myself i m currently and just recently left the active duty army to attend college on an rotc scholarship about month ago prior to that i wa deployed to afghanistan for about 0 month it s almost hard to even recall the person i used to be back then i wa so mentally strong and confident in myself and my purpose ironically despite working hour day seven day a week under constant threat of getting blown up i can t remember a time when i wa better off mentally like nothing in the world could stop me a i had a plan and wa going to stick with it and if i did end up getting murked i wa just fine with that too i stayed pretty safe for the most part although i did have a pretty close call with a rocket that landed in a ditch on the hill below the building i worked in it obviously scared the ever living fuck out of me and everyone else but after like 0 minute we were all laughing about how close that one wa and how if only the stupid guy had aimed higher he would have got u the whole affair really only strengthened my resolve and made the return home that much better getting back to the state wa probably the best moment of my life even if it wa right in the middle of covid lol i don t want to sound like i m trying to flex my great strength or anything i m just trying to describe who i wa then to who am i now a they aren t even remotely the same person problem started to arise for me around month after getting back after the novelty of being back home wore off i started to experience this weird sense of dissociation and depressive episode that would sometimes last for an hour to a day and then i would suddenly snap back to what i considered a normal state of mind these normally entailed feeling of hopelessness and dread like something in my head just wasn t ticking right and when it came to social situation it wa like i wa operating on a different frequency than everyone else like i could hear and understand them but there wa no emotion behind the word it wa distracting but manageable at that point and i just chalked it up to being burned out at work and figured once i got off active duty and into college thing would greatly improve fast forward to the first semester of college and unfortunately thing have not gone a i imagined in term of school and finance i m doing fine and everything is going according to plan externally but internally i seem to be slowly degrading bit by bit the depressive episode became more intense to the point where i would physically lock up tighten my muscle grind my teeth and it feel like my head is throbbing from all the negative thought it is nearly impossible to sleep in this state thanks to the extreme anxiety but then i would wake up the next morning and feel fine barely being able to remember how i felt the night before the cycle never stopped though and then the thought of well if you just ended it this wouldn t be a problem anymore started to kick in and that s when it really started to snowball downhill fast at this point in time it feel like i m in this depressive state nearly all the time it s only a matter of how bad it s going to be today the dissociative feeling have been cranked up to and conversation just feel like emotionless formality i can no longer connect with friend and family the way i used to like i said earlier it s like we re not on the same frequency if that make any sense the thought of suicide are ever present and feel like a big red emergency eject button begging to be pressed the only escape from these feeling are partying drug and alcohol which are great temporarily but eventually everyone go back to their life you sober up and reality slap you in the face even harder than it did last time i ve also developed a very odd fear of human intimacy that i really can t explain for instance i m a virgin which is a huge insecurity of mine and pretty embarrassing i know i always figured when i m in college i ll meet plenty of woman so there s no need to be insecure about it however i ve had several instance where woman have come onto me and i m totally comfortable with the conversation and flirty talk but once it get physical even just them grabbing me it trigger this instant fear and panic response and i make up an excuse and leave in a manic state then beat myself up for the next week about how much of a pussy i am this is honestly one of the major contributor to my broken self image a couple of week ago i randomly started bawling in my car for over an hour and honestly don t even remember why i m not eating much anymore maybe only like one meal a day and my cognitive performance motivation ha declined significantly my sleep schedule is a total mess i ll either sleep for hour and wake up from nightmare in cold sweat or sleep for and not want to get out of bed and face reality what really prompted me to post this though wa that last week i got really drunk and ended up putting a gun to my head without even thinking about it and then i realized what i wa doing that s when i kind of told myself holy shit man this is real and something is very wrong with you i need some kind of help i know but if i m diagnosed with any kind of mental health condition i ll lose my scholarship and i ve just worked too damn hard for it i ve openly told some of my close friend and family directly that i m having suicidal thought but the response is always oh c mon man your way too strong for that or you re just in a slump right now it ll pas a much a i appreciate having people who care for me and appreciate the sentiment it doesn t do much to alleviate anything i feel like i wa never meant to live this long and that that rocket wa supposed to kill me that day but i m living in some kind of an alternate reality where i survived and nothing make sense anymore at least then i could have died strong and confident rather than broken i had a friend who wa killed over there and honestly i wish i could trade place with him he deserves this life more than i do sorry i turned this into an essay but it feel good to get this out of my head for once if you read this long i hope you can relate or at least get something out of it and thank you finally i ll leave you with a song i ve been listening to on repeat for the past week lmao http www youtube com watch v ksjrcczo

aww man yet another party last night i miss new jersey so anyone up to anything today

sa s mental healthcare cost rate average on the global scale the mental health price index 0 find depression is average and anxiety is lower in sa than in many part of the world http t co rsaxgsekb

f i am just so tired i hate my life i know there s a beautiful side to life but oh my god i don t even wan na see it if the thing i ve been through are always going to be in the back of my head i don t feel guilty about leaving my friend or family anymore i just feel ready what i m worried about is failing

i just bought 0 paracetamol a 0ml bottle of vodka and some coke to balance it out i love my mom i feel like shit this happened like 0 0 0 but my crush at uni played me flirted and cuddled with me for two day only to fuck another girl right in front of my eye and after chasing him and being rejected i got bullied by our friendship group everyone cut me out and stopped talking to me he fell in love with me after i told him something private and made a playlist with song about me on his phone and i fell into a psychotic episode right in front of him i believed i could use telepathy to communicate with him i wa fully convinced he wa on heroin and took heroin for me because i d hear other thought inside of my own head i ve never loved anyone the way that i loved him and he s verbally told me to fuck off and that he doesn t want anything to do with me it kill me to know i ll never be with him when i could have university wa my last opportunity and the psychotic episode i had led to me fucking it all up i ended up dropping out and spent month in the psych ward and nothing will ever feel the same again i ll never have child or get married because i have asperger s so i fake my way through any and all conversation i lie and hide and smile but i don t have anything to say i just wanted to tell at least one person this i m going to kill myself and this is the end edit i ve taken half of the pill and i m not that drunk so i want to keep going edit had pill with coke and vodka before i felt like i needed to puke dry heaving and threw away the bottle and pill

i want to die i don t know if i want to kill myself but i honestly don t really care i just want to die and not be conscious and not be an i and have no ability to experience anything or remember anything or think about anything i don t care if it will get better i don t care if i ll be happy one minute later i don t care that i m irrational right now and i m thinking something that a level headed version of me would obviously be above i hate being conscious i can t sleep because i hate waking up i can t make myself faint because i hate waking up i can t escape to other story or music or feeling or stimulation because i hate waking up i just want to die and die and die and die and die and stay dead forever i don t want to do this anymore i don t want to identify a an i i don t want to be an agent i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to stop living i want to die i m stupid and bad and spiteful and upset and i want to die i don t want help i don t want to be happy i don t want to want to not die i want to die

celestechong oh but mine is ceramic so it more ex abit le visible inside one are very ex double the price n double the duration

i tried to od on tylenol and took like 0 pill ended up tripping ball then throwing up and being miserable for the rest of the night now i have some sort of phobia in which i can not even think about taking pill without getting extremely nauseous anyone know how to overcome this new fear is there a better subreddit to ask this question

hi about an hour ago i opened my bearded dragon enclosure and picked him up to find him dead im so distraught and i feel like such a terrible person he wa about year old i ve had him since i wa and i m now he wa year old when i got him in the last month or so my mental health ha been very bad and i ve been working day a week and not had time to care for him at all this is my fault and i m so upset he wa counting on me to take care of him and i couldn t i m so disturbed by the way he looked when i picked him up his eye were black and sunken in and he wa completely limp i don t think i m ever going to forgive myself for this i just feel like the most awful human being alive i m going to miss him so much he wa really special to me even though i ve been unintentionally neglectful there s so much i could have done i just don t know what to do i feel so evil ha anyone else lost a pet

up and throat still hurt

i ve heard this platitude my whole entire life nearly four year ago a teacher looked straight into my eye and told me the same thing i remember telling myself back then that i wa at rock bottom now i can only laugh at that sentiment rock bottom my as it s like i rolled off a cliff and the end is nowhere in sight

i don t know how to explain it i had bad childhood and tbh i never felt love in my whole life if i care for someone and they see this they hurt me i m not only talking relationship but with overall people around me and i have depression i feel tired all the time and sometimes i can t even leave my bed also i m very paranoid i feel like everyone want to betray me u me and i have lost all the trust because of it don t even feel like human

a no better way to fight depression http t co qmw or dmf

jmielcarz send some of that warmness my way it s cold

every time i talk to somebody outside of my house and can relate to somebody or have thing in common with people i just want to curl up and cry almost every time i meet somebody irl i freak out and say i never want to see them again and if i don t do that i act distant the next time i see them i only have online friend and having friend making friend irl is scary i m and a half and everyone say thing like your going to be getting a job soon but if i cant even make friend how am i suppose to get a job

quinparker i find that in this age of internettery this is how you perfectly express sorrow and empathy for another s pain

i hurt my leg

hate math tuition on a holiday wanted to sync my i pod with the latest track nd podcasts will have to wait until im bck fb

the one day i really need to go into school and i m not well

i couldn t take the pain anymore so i locked up my emotion and feeling and when i have to interact with others i fake it i know that when i let them back in it s going to be catastrophic but i need it being on ice feel good every now and then what scare me is that when i wa little i used to do it without realizing it for week at a time and i didn t know how to get out of it now i check myself from time to time to see what state i m in and whether it s time to get out of it or not i think i ll stay in the ice for week i think

lucygooesy haha nice barbie backgroud he still hasnt replied lol

i m in a confused state whether to implement a tab interface in the application currently i m working in

dragoneer yea i am working tp hack my server to do the player thing for folk

well that wa a fun night work now to start the working day

ib nji yeh i know but it wasnt on the showbags list in the paper the other day i heard that they are broadcasting from the show on thurs

this ha become a coping strategy for me i always did it to some extent i had many other ocd tendency a a teen but those went away pretty quickly after i tried to stop them but i ve become so anxious lately that i m starting to scar my face i know it s gross so please don t hate on me just wondering if this is something that anyone else with anxiety experience thank you

is hoping the posty delivers my pink ticket

hi everyone i find myself in a sad situation and i can t really seem to be able to find a way out or support so i thought i could write about it here i m 0 and moved to study abroad month ago i love college and i love what i do i am fairly aware i am privileged in more way than one and that i should be happy about it but it s not enough when i left i tried my best to leave everything behind a much a i could because i know i will never live in my home country again and that s sort of the goal anyways a someone who ha generalized anxiety overall i am also aware that this wa a very big step in itself i have been struggling with depression and anxiety that also take toll on my physical health from time to time since i moved but everything got worse a few week ago i had a week long break from university and i forced myself not to go home so i can be more accustomed to living here the problem wa that i barely went out for week being too anxious to do so and also my neighbour and friend wa also visiting her home country i felt very alone and isolated now i started college again and i realise every day how stupid that wa and i m stuck on wanting to turn back time which i know is impossible i cry every day i wish to go home and i have major problem performing at university i honestly don t know what to do i feel hopeless and alone if anyone ha any advice i would really appreciate it thank you

0 supplement to help fight depression http t co tc tkc abj

firefox e lanati hey crash hey crash

i feel anxiety over race i know this sound bad but hear my out please i have been doing anti racism work daily and i ve been trying to challenge my own bias but it s been triggering my mental health my anxiety ha taken over and now i can t make decision in my life without fear i ve practically stopped all my hobby cause i m worried i m appropriating in some way and hurting a community i know that none of this is what the anti racism work is about but it s what my mind ha been running with lately it s been i don t matter no one else seems to be having this issue and i don t know who to turn to this is not a reflection on the conversation around blm it s my own issue i just don t know how to get out of this way of thinking

basically i had chest pain and headache caused by anxiety it felt like having heart attack lack of breathing everything the full package it used to be now it s a lot le like day a week whole day now i am active having fun with friend having fun life but still experiencing major lack of energy like i did not sleep for day it s very annoying constantly felling like i am about to collapse from tiredness