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3,300 | Hillary camp wondering when to tell public she died in 2013
Staffers for the 2016 presidential campaign of Hillary Clinton say they have not yet decided when to inform the public that the former first lady and secretary of state died at the start of 2013. âWe actually did try to inform the world that Hillary had tragically passed, but no one would believe us,â said Jim Messina, a chief Democratic operative who was at Clintonâs bedside more than two years ago when the decision was made to pull the plug after a blood clot left her in a vegetative state. âEveryone said that it wasnât possible, because Hillaryâs going to be the first woman president of America. Itâs written in the prophecies.â After consultations with her husband Bill and several longtime aides, it was decided that Hillary should continue to run for president, even as she lay in a morgue awaiting burial. The chief concern was how a campaign might be carried out. Would she still be able to stump, grant interviews, and eventually debate opponents while unalive? As Messina explains it, none of those worries will matter. âHillary has a cultish following, and lots of folks get all tingly in the nether region just thinking about her and Bill back in the White House,â Messina said. âAnd anyway, with Twitter and other forms of social media taking the forefront of how candidates get their messages across, traditional media can be discounted entirely. It will be very easy for us to promote the Hillary brand without Hillary.â Most constitutional scholars agree that there is nothing in Article II that specifically forbids the election of a deceased person, and because a presidentâs day-to-day responsibilities are generally handled by cabinet members and a team of staffers anyway, a dead Hillary Clinton serving as commander-in-chief would not come with many drawbacks. Lucas Garrison, Team Hillaryâs social media coordinator, says he doesnât think that itâs important if Clinton is alive in order for her to be the best president ever. Her greatest assets, he says, are name recognition and high approval ratings among moderates, both of which donât require her to be breathing. âThe name Clinton has an intoxicating effect, and hearing it brings many voters back to the excitement and optimism of the 1990s,â Garrison said. âIt was great time to be alive. The internet was new and anyone could make in a buck in dot-coms. Our old adversary Russia was on its knees and being led by an incompetent drunk. And a lot chicks in my college worried that the Y2K bug would bring about the end of the world, so they were putting out left and right.â Even in death, staffers believe, Hillary Clinton will be an effective president, and she will help to carry out many items high on the Democratic agenda, including tighter gun control and more restrictions on carbon emissions. Also, electing her as the first non-living woman to serve as president will prove the countryâs willingness to break down gender barriers and traditional preferences for leaders who are animated and sentient. Messina says that once the decision is made to convince the public that Clinton is no longer among the living, which could come as late as next year, her campaign will simultaneously shift its focus to the weaknesses of other Democrats in the field. Then, by showing that a deceased Clinton can win the Democratic primary, Messina and others believe that sheâll be able to coast to an easy victory over her eventual Republican opponent. âThink of some like [Republican New Jersey governor] Chris Christie, who will likely succomb to heart failure in the next few years anyway,â Messina said. âWe will effortlessly persuade voters that Hillary has more working knowledge of the afterlife than he does, and thatâs a message that will resonate with voters of all ages.â âAnd someone like [Republican Texas senator] Ted Cruz wouldnât stand a chance, even if some people believe him to already be dead as well, just because he had no heartbeat,â Messina added. So far, campaign staffers have kept their mouths shut about possible running mates, but many observers believe that the team will opt for Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, whose liberal credentials would balance out what many see as Hillaryâs hawkishness and ties to big business. However, one source claims that the team has put former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt at the top of the list, saying that she would make a wonderful first deceased lesbian vice president, adding that she would be great for entertaining visiting heads of state as she can recount meeting King George VI, partying with aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart, and welcoming former child star Shirley Temple to the White House in 1938. | 1 | satire |
3,301 | Bachmann: âMuslims Invented Global Warmingâ to Destroy U.S. Economy
Michele Bachmann claimed today that Muslims invented global warming in hopes of weakening the American economy before a full-scale jihadi invasion. In an interview with Fox Business this morning, the former congresswoman from Minnesota was asked her opinion on the recent report that 2014 was the warmest year on record, a fact most scientists believe is linked to human-induced climate change. âMuslims created the global warming hoax so we bankrupt ourselves switching to renewable energy,â Bachmann told a stunned Neil Cavuto. âOnce our economy is completely destroyed, our military power will crumble, leaving us exposed to their jihadi invasion force. âEveryone knows you canât run an army on solar panels. So the Muslim Brotherhood soldiers will meet minimal resistance when they arrive on our shores. New York and Washington will fall in days. Chicago and Los Angeles a few weeks later. âWithin six months the invaders will establish an Islamic caliphate here in America. Headscarves will become mandatory. Churches will be burnt to the ground and mosques erected in their place.  Christian virgins will be raped in the streets by roaming gangs of Yemeni thugs. âThis is why the global warming lie is so dangerous. Itâs clearly part of a larger plot to destroy the western world and establish a global Islamic empire. We need to expose these climate change scientists for the radical Muslims they are before itâs too late." Cavuto attempted to get Bachmann to roll back her comments, asking the former congresswoman if she had considered for a moment the possibility that climate scientists might be correct in their conclusions. âNeil, my cousinâs husbandâs best friend is a science teacher at Ramsey Middle School here in Minneapolis,â Bachmann explained, âand he says that the Earth has actually been getting colder for the past 50 years. âWhy would Todd lie to me? I tell you what, I trust him more than that Muslim guy leading the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change!â Rajendra K. Pachauri has led the IPCC since 2002, overseeing the publication of several authoritative reports on the issue of climate change and its causes.  He was born in India and is a practicing Hindu. Bachmann represented Minnesotaâs 6th district from to January of this year. She decided not to stand for reelection in 2014 after a failed presidential campaign in 2012 nearly led to her defeat. | 1 | satire |
3,302 | Legendary Vanity Fair Oscars party runs out of crisps
There was embarrassment at Vanity Fair last night when it was revealed that they ran out of crisps at their legendary post-Oscars party. âIt was a bit crap,â said Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne. âIt had only been going for an hour or so and there was literally no crisps anywhere, just these empty paper bowls on all the tables.â âI hope someone gets fired for this.â The Vanity Fair party is the only place to be seen for the great and the good of the Hollywood set. âOh my God, itâs, like, a magical event. Itâs, like, so glamourous,â said Hollywood correspondent Rebecca Coleman. âEmilio Estevez always brings a mix-tape. Usually eighties stuff. Oh my God, that guy loves Rick Astley.â âAnd thereâs the bathroom, and they just fill the bath with ice and put in loads of cans of Carling Black Label, no Own-brand stuff.â âAnd, of course, the crisps; Hula-hoops, Pringles, Monster Munch.â âFor them to run out is, like, a major embarrassment.â Julianne Moore won Best Actress for âStill Aliceâ. âGoddamn pussy-ass bitches screw up my triumphant night?â She said before kicking a Vanity Fair representative in the backside. âWhen Meryl Streep wins they just get someone following her around all night with her own bowl of Mini Chedders. The fuckers.â It is thought that this is the most embarrassing post Oscarâs event since Elton John ordered too much Tuaca for his party and Hugh Jackman punched James Franco for getting off with Anne Hathaway before being sick on his shoes. | 1 | satire |
3,303 | John Travolta to receive special award for Oscars portrayal of a âstraight manâ
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has revealed that John Travolta will receive a Special Recognition Award for his electric performance as a heterosexual version of himself at the 2015 Oscars. The celebrated star of hits such as Grease, Pulp Fiction, and Battlefield Earth delivered an almost entirely convincing turn as a lecherous, straight, caricature of John Travolta. The performance included lingering, and unwarranted embraces of female stars Idina Menzel and Scarlett Johansson. An Oscars spokesperson explained, âJohn Travolta has long been held in the highest regard for his commitment to method acting, but his decision to take up what must have been his most challenging and personal role to date elevates him to a new level.â âWatching viewers could easily be forgiven for thinking they were watching a straight man on the stage.â âItâs high time John was recognised for his dedication to keeping it up for all these years, and his delivery last night was indistinguishable from the real thing.â Rumours around Travoltaâs preparation for the role have included spending a week living with Vince Vaughn to monitor his mannerisms and hetero styling, as well as a series of lunches and choreography sessions with legendary inappropriate touching mogul, Bill Cosby. | 1 | satire |
3,304 | Poll of end of year polls decides the best end of year poll of the year
The results of a poll of the best end of year polls of the year will be announced later today. The NME poll of the year is expected to be named as the best end of year poll. âItâs simply a very good end of year poll,â send end of year poll expert Simon Williams. âIt lists its items according to rank over a series of pages culminating in the item that the contributors deem most worthy. I simply canât get enough of it.â There has been criticism that the poll of end of year polls only takes in the most popular and mainstream end of year polls and that it has become a popularity contest rather than a true indicator of the best end of year poll. âItâs a valid criticism,â said Mr Williams. âThere have been some splendid end of year polls; âHorse and Houndâ ran two terrific end of year polls, best horse and best hound.â âAlso âModern Dentistryâsâ end of year poll of favourite teeth was riveting.â âAnd Zoo magazineâs Best boobs of 2014 was surprisingly arresting.â âBut I think that, if the NME end of year poll does win, it will be a fair result. It is thought that the Rolling Stone end of year poll was deemed âtoo mentalâ to be included after naming U2 as best album. | 1 | satire |
3,305 | 200 year-old mummified monk to present Strictly Come Dancing
The BBC has announced that a mummified 200-year-old body discovered in Mongolia has been signed to host Strictly Come Dancing. The body of a monk, which is alleged to display âfaint signs of lifeâ, is an âideal fitâ for a peak Saturday night show, insiders claim. âFor many years Strictly has been presented by a desiccated husk with a faint spark of lifeâ, said a BBC spokesman. âSo why change that now?â âApparently the mummy shows changes in body temperature when interacted with, which is more than you can say for Craig Revel Horwood these days.â Bruce Forsyth was asked to comment on the change of lineup, but we were told it might take several years to get a reply. | 1 | satire |
3,306 | Daily Mail reveals Jack the Ripper was a âBloody Polish Immigrantâ
The Daily Mail has exclusively revealed that Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant only âover hereâ due to our overly generous Victorian immigration policy. Over a hundred years of professional and amateur investigation has led the paper to conclude that the worldâs most famous unsolved murders were actually just more evidence to hate foreigners. A spokesperson for the paper explained, âJack the Ripper would have been better described a Jacek the Ripper, haha!â âWe been telling people for years that foreigners are bad, and now we have proper evidence.â âWe at the Daily Mail can only hope that youâll never look at your local Polish plumber in quite the same way.â âOh yeah, Iâm sure heâll say he came here to be a hard-working member of our society, but the evidence now shows he is just as likely be a secret murderer of prostitutes.â âDonât worry, you can thank us for the warning later.â Those working at the Daily Mail have hailed the exclusive story as a victory in the hundred year search for a good reason to hate immigrants. As one Mail journalist explained, âFor over a hundred years weâve searched for the silver bullet against immigrants, and now we have it.â âJust think, if weâd stopped eastern europeans coming over here back then, London would have had a lot more prostitutes in the late 1800s.â âHow many potential prostitute murderers have we let in since then?â âWhat more evidence do you need to start agreeing with everything we say?â I think therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) | 1 | satire |
3,307 | Midsomer Murders character will âprobably be fineâ
Despite a series of disagreements with fellow villagers, Midsomer Murders character Simon Williams will almost certainly come back from a late-night trip to the woodshed unscathed. After a brief shouting match with an incensed neighbour during the opening credits and the discovery that his front door had been coated in red paint, Williams retired to bed, only to hear an odd rattling noise in the shed at the bottom of his garden. Sensibly, Williams decided to venture out unarmed with a small, inadequate flashlight to check out what was causing the disturbance. As a well-advised precaution, Williams yelled out to warn any potential intruder of his imminent arrival. âIâm pretty sure itâll be nothing,â Williams insisted. âItâll almost certainly just be the wind.â âI know a few people were a little irked at my plan to steamroller the entire village to build a motorway and there was that affair I had with the pub landlordâs wife, but people round here tend to be pretty forgiving.â Approaching the shed, Williams reminisced about the time during his childhood he had lured a school friend to that very same shed and locked him in. âWeâd had a falling out, so I locked him in, threw away the key and left him for dead,â Williams chuckled. âI never did hear what happened to him, but I imagine he starved to death uneventfully.â âWhichever way, I doubt thereâll be any form of comeuppance waiting for me upon entering the shed.â At the time of writing, despite the shed door slamming shut behind Williams and a loud thud similar to the impact of a plank of wood on a human skull, Williams is believed to be just fine. | 1 | satire |
3,308 | Madonna inundated with workplace accident compensation cold calls
Workplace compensation claims specialists have been frantically trying to reach Madonna after she fell down the stairs at work. The accident took place during her Brit Awards performance and saw her tumble-down two steps before hitting the ground in front of millions of witnesses. Workplace compensation lawyer Simon Williams told us, âAll I heard was â56 year old woman fell down the stairs at workâ, and thought thereâs some mileage in that.â âThen I was told that one of her colleagues actually pulled her down the stairs by the clothes around her neck â and it was all caught on camera.â âThatâs when I got excited. Itâs an open and shut case, a proper big payout.â âI got £15k for a woman who slipped after ignoring a âwet floorâ sign, so imagine what I can do here!â âThen I heard it was actually Madonna, the Madonna, and thatâs when I realised this is the sort of claim that not only makes careers, but I could retire on the commission.â âIâve been pressing redial ever since.â Viewers have said that although it looked like a pretty big tumble, Madonna got up and carried on suggesting she had suffered no serious injuries. Williams went on, âDonât let that fool you. These types of injuries can take a few hours to present themselves â adrenaline can get you through a lot of pain.â âThe only people who truly seem able to identify the seriousness of a workplace injury the very moment it happens are premiership footballers.â âPut it this way, if the next photo you see of Madonna is of her in a wheelchair and a total body cast from the neck down, youâll know Iâve made contact.â | 1 | satire |
3,309 | Entire Celebrity Big Brother cast potential UKIP candidates, claims Farage
Nigel Farage has revealed that he is considering all contestants in this yearâs Celebrity Big Brother as potential Parliamentary candidates for UKIP. Despite criticism of the behaviour of some in the house, UKIP are keen to explore the possibility of working with the contestants when the show is over. âWell, weâre always on the lookout for folk who truly espouse the UKIP philosophy,â said the UKIP leader. âKen Morely has a tremendous personality, heâs funny, honest and plain spoken⦠and being a drunken racist never held anyone back at UKIP.â The ex-Coronation Street actor was recently removed from Big Brother for using racially offensive language, whilst fellow contestant Jeremy Jackson was removed a few days earlier for sexual assault. âItâs a shame that heâs American. Another chap who enjoys a drink. And that wheeze with the fillyâs dressing gown? Hilarious!â âWe may not be able to have him stand for Parliament, but heâs certainly welcome to next yearâs UKIP Christmas party.â Other contestants include Patsy Kensit, Katie Hopkins and Keith Chegwin. âYes, I mean obviously, everyone hates Katie Hopkins already, so thereâs little character manipulation to be done there.â âAnd weâve had our eye on Cheggers for a long time now. Has-been seventies TV star? It just screams UKIP, doesnât it?â Mr Farage was keen on other contestants as well. âWell all of the others seem to have big tits. So, weâd definitely welcome them to UKIP.â In fact, the only Celebrity Big Brother contestant Mr Farage wouldnât consider was Alexander OâNeil âNo. I mean, weâre a pretty diverse bunch at UKIP, but youâve got to draw the line somewhere.â | 1 | satire |
3,310 | New Star Wars film to feature extended Jar Jar Binks death sequence
In what is being seen as a âmajor leakâ, the new Star Wars film will feature a graphic and extended death sequence for prequel character Jar Jar Binks. Director JJ Abrams insists the scene in Star Wars: The Force Awakens, rumoured to be over 25 minutes long, is âdramatically appropriateâ and serves only to advance narrative and character. A leaked storyboard suggests the death involves almost every major Star Wars character and features Jar Jar being captured by Boba Fett before being shot, stabbed, head-butted by a Gamorrean, hurled off a high gantry into a bottomless pit, throttled with dark side force power, riddled by force lightning, blown out of an airlock, run over by a succession of speeder bikes, impaled with a Gaffi Stick, kicked in the nads by Princess Leia, before finally being stamped on by an AT-AT which then âproceeds to jump up and down a few times to make sure.â Rumours have been rife that a major character would die in the film and many fans have speculated, apparently inaccurately, that it would be Han Solo. A Lucas film insider said, âThey told Harrison Ford they were planning to kill off a major character and he immediately insisted it be Jar Jar. No hesitation.â âHe said he wouldnât make the film unless Han Solo got to blow Binks into tiny gobbets with a turbolaser, and JJ Abrams agreed on the spot.â The film is expected to break box-office records when it is released at Christmas. | 1 | satire |
3,311 | Bill Gates successfully creates drinkable water from Justin Bieber albums
Microsoft founder and philanthropist Bill Gates has given hope to drought affected areas by creating drinking water out of total shit, including the Justin Bieber back catalogue. Creating drinking water out of excrement has long been an aim for those trying to improve the lives of people in Africa and other drought affected areas, and this new process may hold the key. Gates told reporters, âYears have research have gone into this, but as you can see, you simply fill the hopper with Justin Bieber albums and CD singles, and out the other end comes delicious drinking water.â âItâs not tainted in any way by the Canadian arsehole, and is actually quite delicious.â âI hope that in the coming months we will see millions of Justin Bieber albums converted into drinking water for those genuinely in need.â The researchers working on the new device say they have also seen decent returns after filling the machine with albums from Olly Murs and One Direction. Lead researchers Simon Williams told us, âWeâre almost at a point where we might finally be able to say that anything created by the X Factor does have some value in the world.â âWeâve just got to feed it into our machine first.â | 1 | satire |
3,312 | Poll Shows 67% Of High Schoolers Think MLK Was An American President
In a stunning Pewter Poll, it was revealed today that a majority of American high schoolers think civil rights icon Martin Luther King Jr. was president of the United States before his assassination in 1968. About 3,169 high schoolers from grade 9 through 12 were polled on Jan. 16 in a survey that simply asked if Martin Luther King Jr. was ever the president of the United States. The results shocked Pewter, who reported 67 percent of high schoolers thought King has held that office. Sarah Small, a 9th grader in Ohio, told USA Today, âOf course he was president. I follow politics. He was the first black president. Thatâs why we celebrate his birthday, duh.â âHe was a great man,â said Tommy Jones of Los Angeles. âToo bad they killed him for being the first black president.â Results were equal among male and female students but the percent of incorrectness actually rose through the grade with more 12th graders getting the question wrong compared to 9th graders. New York Times editor Wally Joyce said, âIt was a remarkable poll. How could a teenager think MLK was president? The students werenât that young when Barack Obama became president. How did they not know Obama was the first black president?â Some statisticians say the report shows how much more accepting the younger generation is of different races and culture. âItâs as if these kids didnât know of Americaâs racist past,â pollster Matt Tenison told Yahoo! News. âIâm not sure if that part of history is being glossed over by the history books but the results of the poll were amazing. We are still studying the implications of this seemingly simple poll and our conclusion will be reported in the next few months.â To the principal's office Principals across the country were angry with the questionnaire. âThe wording tricked them up,â Principal Peter Sakes of Wausau West High School in Wisconsin told The Wausau Herald. âThe question put too much pressure on them so they reacted like any teenager would: by making something up. I assure you all our students know that Martin Luther King was a negro civil rights leader in the '40s, not the president of these United States.â Other teachers disagreed with the principal's response. âMany students simply donât pay attention in class. They just know they get the day off school,â said Susan Thompson of Union, N.J. âThis is what happens when we teach for the standardized tests. We skip over basic knowledge these kids should be learning.â | 1 | satire |
3,313 | âPoldarkâ criticised for not starring Benedict Cumberbatch
The BBCâs new big budget period drama has been attacked by viewers for not featuring Benedict Cumberbatch, according to reports this morning. âPoldarkâ, a tale of 18th Cornish smugglers and derring-do, was advertised as starring âthe sexy one out of the Hobbit filmsâ, leading to ire when people found out that didnât actually mean Cumberbatch. âIâd got the kids to bed and settled down with a bottle of red and some toffees to suck on furiously whenever Benedict said something clever and gave the camera a knowing, otter-like gazeâ, said Mel Harper from Newton Aycliffe. âAnd all I got was some bloke who played a midget that shagged some kind of fairy.â âI barely got halfway through my toffees, even when he took his shirt off.â âSort it out, BBC.â A spokesman for the BBC apologised for the omission of Cumberbatch, but stressed that the actor was appearing on Graham Norton, QI, Have I got News For You and other shows on various BBC channels at the same time. However, viewers remain unconvinced. âI just canât get into a drama unless itâs got his tremendous acting ability in itâ, said Mel. âItâs an intellectual thing. His gravitas and skill of expressing nuanced emotions helps me engage with character.â âNow if youâll excuse me Iâm going to lean against the tumble dryer whilst I watch that episode of Sherlock where he snogs Moriarty.â | 1 | satire |
3,314 | BBC to bring in extra props for Brand vs Farage battle
Denying accusations of âdumbing downâ, the BBC will be supplying pedestals and padded pugil sticks for tonightâs debate in Canterbury between UKIPâs Nigel Farage and comedian Russell Brand. In a surprise change of format, Question Time will supply its guests with equipment from ITVâs Gladiators, kept in storage in Birmingham since 1999 and assembled especially for this eveningâs panel. âBrand is a hypocrite,â said conservative blogger and audience member, Titterley Spiven. âHe canât go bitching about the housing bubble and all that poverty stuff when he has possessions and lives indoors! I hope Farage twats him round the head with a big foam ball.â Nigel Farage is optimistic ahead of his 73rd appearance on Question Time this year. âAs long as there arenât any immigrants blocking the M2 and the gays keep their weather-bombing out of Kent, I should nail it,â he told reporters. âWhy do I have to wear this outfit?â asked Conservative minister Penny Mordaunt. âAnd these pom poms. Why the pom poms?â Labourâs shadow international development secretary Mary Creagh looked resolute in her spandex leotard. âSince Russell Brand invented voter apathy, itâs been chaos at home. My daughter took down all her favourite Ed Miliband posters. Even the sexy one.â âMy son used to have polling booth parties with his friends where theyâd pretend to cast votes and count them up. Now they just sit around instead.â âAll the young people had polling booth parties until Brand came along,â growled Times columnist Camilla Cavendish from inside padded armour, a cycle helmet and a large metal hamster ball. âLet me at that scruffy fucker.â When asked about recent media criticism, Brand answered enigmatically, stretching his arms wide and raising his bearded face to the lighting rig. âWe are but swirling dust particles in an infinite Universe of⦠FUCK! Farage is on the Travelator! Heâs on the bastard Travelator already, the cheating, toad-faced shit!â | 1 | satire |
3,315 | I eat next to nothing except the blood of the living, claims Joanna Lumley
Actress Joanna Lumley gains all the sustenance she needs from the blood of the living, according to a new interview. The eerily well-preserved star, who has ânot gained a poundâ since the 1970s, outlined her diet tips to reporters in a late-night interview yesterday. âI havenât eaten a proper full meal since one terrible night in 1977, when it was shown to me what true living really is,â she said. âIt was like a veil was lifted, and I could see the world through new, visceral eyes â and Iâve never looked back.â âSince then Iâve just nibbled. Mostly on peopleâs necks, with the occasional snack on household pets.â Lumley, who has often been praised for keeping her looks and figure, was being interviewed for a BBC article in beauty tips. She continued, âSome people swear by putting slices of cucumber of tea-bags on their eyes to sleep, but not me.â âI just settle down nice and early every morning with a good book in a casket of the rich soil of my homeland.â âIâve never needed Botox or plastic surgery, which is a relief as itâs impossible to get blessed silver needles or scalpels.â When asked if she regretted sticking to such a strict regime, Lumley said âOh, itâs nothing compared to what Joan Collins has to do.â âAnd if youâre wondering why nobody has seen Gareth Hunt since The New Avengers ended, well, now you know.â | 1 | satire |
3,316 | Fox News to continue broadcasting made-up satire in honour of Charlie Hebdo
Following criticism of its report on Birmingham in the UK, Fox News has pledged to continue broadcasting made-up stories designed to entertain viewers in honour of those murdered in the Charlie Hebdo attack. Thousands had taken to social media to complain against what they believed was an inaccurate news story describing Birmingham as a Muslim stronghold, but which was actually an attempt at satire on the part of the Murdoch owned media group. A spokesperson for Fox News explained, âNo-one should be taking Fox News seriously â we have long cultivated a reputation for broadcasting made-up stories with inaccurate facts at impossible levels of ferocity, all purely for entertainment purposes.â âOur report on Birmingham being a no-go area for non-Muslims was actually a carefully planned satire on the anti-Muslim comments of our boss, Rupert Murdoch.â âWhen he said all Muslims should be accountable for the Charlie Hebdo terrorists, we took that argument to its logical conclusion and decided to make the UKâs second city a haven for people who support terrorists.  Itâs actually really clever when you think about it.â âRather than towing the company line, as some people have suggested we were doing, we were actually subverting the message from the Dear Leader.â The spokesperson continued, âI mean, have you actually seen Sean Hannity and Bill OâReilly on our shows? These are careful crafted comedic characters that have taken decades to refine into their current form.â âWe actually love it when people fall for something weâve broadcast as being actual ânewsâ.  Can you imagine?â âItâs like when people fall for stories in The Onion, except weâre on television and weâre seen by literally tens of millions of impressionable minds.â | 1 | satire |
3,317 | Ghostbusters announcement ruins thousands of carpets via spit-takes
The announcement that the new Ghostbusters will feature an all-female lead cast has resulted in untold spit-takes from males drinking at the time. The spit-takes are alleged to have caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to carpets and furniture. Definite females and Bridesmaids co-stars Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy have been confirmed to star in the new Ghostbusters movie, alongside Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon. Upon this announcement, âtraditional valuesâ men were so shocked and disgusted, that those drinking at the time involuntarily spat out whatever beverage they were consuming. It is estimated that around 800,000 men were drinking at the time of discovery. âI was just âaving me tea when I âeard on the radio that the new Ghostbusters was gonna be women,â said one concerned male fan. âIt went all over me trousers, and me carpet. Thatâs eight quid worth!â Another told us, âWell naturally I was having some scotch with chums when it came up on the news. I was so shocked my scotch sprayed all over my Victorian ottoman!â âMy brother Reginald dropped his monocle in his tumbler! Just who will replace that?â Other damage included dropped plates with sandwiches on, falling backwards off a chair because the sitterâs feet were on a desk and several reported cases of pouring coffee into a mug until it overflows and burns someoneâs lap. The overall reaction from men has been mixed â many believing that Hollywood is pandering to women, while the rest believing that women should stay in the kitchen until theyâre ready to make a baby. | 1 | satire |
3,318 | New HBO series âBoobs and Swearingâ a massive hit
HBOâs latest hit TV show, âBoobs and Swearingâ has taken the UK by storm, with over nine million people tuning in to the first episode. âWe were confident âBoobs and Swearingâ would be a hit.â said Andrew Costello, the UK born director of the series. âThe thing with a modern, sophisticated television audience is that theyâre not shocked by boobs and swearing on TV anymore, and having that freedom to be open about boobs and swearing is really beneficial to a show like âBoobs and Swearingâ.â The programmeâs plot is largely irrelevant explains screenwriter Stephen Emmsworth. âYeah, having a meaningless plot is great for me as a writer because it gives me the opportunity to really express myself with extended scenes of boobs and swearing.â âBoobs and Swearingâ fan Simon Williams from Bracknell was very excited by the first episode. âOh I loved it!â he told us. âI mean I wasnât bothered about the story, acting or writing, but Iâll definitely be coming back for more âBoobs and Swearingâ next week.â But TV critic Marjorie Winterbottom was less impressed. âIâm no prude,â she said, âbut frankly I was shocked; âBoobs and Swearingâ does seem to feature a great deal more boobs and swearing than I was expecting.â The dominance of âBoobs and Swearingâ in the TV schedule is expected to continue right up until January when HBOâs new show âVaginas and gunsâ arrives. | 1 | satire |
3,319 | ISIS claim responsibility for murder of Lucy Beale
Terrorist group ISIS have released a video with a chilling claim of responsibility for the murder of Eastenders television character Lucy Beale. Prime Minister, David Cameron has condemned the terrorist group for what he has called a âdirect attack on our British heritage.â In the video, ISIS claim, âThis is a chilling warning to you, the British public.â âAll week you have been covering facebook and twitter with your accusations, leaving normal human beings no choice but to read your pointless, life sapping conversations.â âBritish people are actually calling our offices asking to be captured until the show finishes. Well now the speculation is over, Jihadi John did it.â A special phone line has been set up by the BBC for Eastenders fans to deal with their grief. So far it has received over one million calls in a period of just 6 hours, though some have questioned the use of a premium rate number, speculating they may be trying to recuperate losses from the Savile enquiry and dwindling TV license sales. Barack Obama has backed David Cameron and stated âThe USA will increase troops in every Country in the World. Everyone is a terrorist now.â Jihadi John, once rumoured to be a character creation of Sacha Baron Cohen, ended the video with a final parting shot by stating âI am originally from the East End, it felt only right that Adamâs daughter died at my hands.â âNo Ian, Ianâs daughter. Is this live?â | 1 | satire |
3,320 | Jeremy Kyle breaks viewer record as Jesus, Mary and Joseph face the DNA test
Controversial television show host Jeremy Kyle announced a coup today after he was joined by Joseph the Carpenter, the Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ the Lord our Saviour. The episode was broadcast this morning, witnessed by a record-breaking turnout of nearly five million viewers. During the show Joseph declared that he deserved to know the truth about his son before breaking down in front of the studio audience, betraying the calm and dignified image of the carpenter, portrayed within nearly all 17th century paintings. Although many A-list celebrities such as Jodie Marsh have been guests on the long-running ITV show, even Jeremy Kyle found it hard to suppress his amazement of Jesusâ presence. The Lord our Saviour opened up about the true nature of his relationship with Mary Magdalene, healed the entire disabled section of the studio audience, and explained at length why homosexuality is an abomination. The Virgin Mary repeatedly denied that Joseph was the biological father of Jesus, emphasising that her decision to take full custody of the baby Jesus was not a spiteful one. Joseph later admitted his unhealthy obsession with âmaking things out of woodâ, distracted him from the responsibilities he needed to fulfil as a father. It was at this point that Jeremy Kyle then sat on the floor and lowered his voice, as a response to the true gravity of the situation. However, the true climax of show came when the DNA results were finally revealed, as Joseph was told he was the actual father of Jesus. Though the DNA test proves that Jesus is not the son of God, much to the disappointment of many Christian viewers, the father and sonâs tearful embrace and Jeremyâs closing epilogue into the camera, reminded us to focus on the importance of fatherhood and family values, instead of the meaningless of life, whose cold embrace will inevitably take us all. | 1 | satire |
3,321 | Dr Fox arrest brings first DJ Paedo Bingo player close to âfull houseâ
People playing DJ Paedo Bingo remain excited after the arrest of Dr Fox takes the first competitor perilously close to a âfull houseâ. The game allows players to tick off ageing DJs once they are arrested in connection with historical sex crimes, whether charges are eventually brought, or not. The arrest of Dr Fox, real name Neil, has left some competitors just one square away from winning a game which began in 2012 with the revelations of Jimmy Savilleâs predatory past. Bingo card holder Simon Williams told us, âIâve had all of them, Jimmy Savile, Dave Lee Travis, Chris Denning, Paul Gambaccini â and Dro Fox leaves me with just one square to fill.â âNo, Iâm not accusing him of anything, but if the police could just take him in for questioning Iâd be declared the winner.â âCome on police, just knock on Noel Edmondsâ door â I beg of you.â Some competitors are claiming victory already in the spin-off game âcelebrity sex criminal bingoâ, which allowed them to have cards containing non-DJ celebrities. Champion Dave Shuckworth told us, âI had a great card to be fair, Savile, Gary Glitter, Max Clifford, Rolf Harris â but the big one was Cliff Richard.â âI never thought heâd be my winner â but there you go.â âMy mate had Chris Tarrant and he was certain heâd win â I guess you never can tell.â | 1 | satire |
3,322 | Bono undergoes emergency surgery for suspected âdislocated egoâ
Rock âlegendâ Bono has this evening undergone emergency surgery for a suspected dislocated ego, suffered while riding his bike in Central Park. The self-loving 54 year-old was rushed to hospital after fellow band member Mr. Edge â real name Alan â noticed worrying signs that the usually conceited front-man was not his normal vanity-obsessed self. Mr. Edge told reporters, âOne minute everything seemed fine, and he was swaggering around the place looking down his nose at all the rest of us, like normal.â âThen, what seemed like just seconds later, he was stood at the side of the road, shoulders slumped, displaying some frankly worrying signs of genuine humility.â âI asked him he was OK, but all he could say was, âOne â that song is just load of old sentimental horse shite, isnât it?â. Iâm not afraid to admit that in that moment, I was terrified.â âI rushed over to our drummer who said heâd noticed that Bono had not slept in his stupid fucking shades the night before â then it was all about how quickly we could reach the emergency services and get him some treatment before the ego suffered permanent damage.â Rescue Rescue The bandâs support staff reacted swiftly, with an on-site emergency first-aider ensuring Bono received some much needed mouth-to-ear ego stroking. One witness explained, âI think that first-aid saved his ego to be honest â they just seemed to instinctively know how to react, and the right thing to say. Thankfully the paramedics arrived after just a few minutes.â âThey brought all this incredible equipment and spent about fifteen minutes applying emergency ego-massage, whilst the rest of us just looked on in horror.â âFortunately they managed to stabilise him, so they could get him to the hospital, but they continued the ego-massage as they loaded him into the ambulance.â âThe last thing I heard them say was, âYouâre amazing Bono, and The Joshua Tree is the best album of the last thirty years, and thatâs absolutely all down to you, and you aloneâ.â Bono was rushed to a specialist âEgo Hospitalâ in New York and underwent a complex eight-hour surgery to re-locate the ego, which Doctors have declared a complete success. A hospital spokesperson confirmed that his recuperation could take up to 8 weeks, but that he would likely make a full recovery and should return to his previous levels of brazen egotism. | 1 | satire |
3,323 | Pope Francis Named âAustralian of the Yearâ
Today the Australian government officially named Pope Francis as Australian of the Year. According to a press release on the Ministry of Arts website, the Holy Father was personally chosen for the 2014 honor by Prime Minister Tony Abbott and has been invited to an awards ceremony in Melbourne on March 17. The move comes just weeks after Abbott nominated Prince Philip of the United Kingdom for knighthood. That action puzzled many as Australian knighthoods are typically reserved for Australian citizens, and because Prince Philip, who is married to the reigning British monarch, presumably had enough titles already. Somehow Abbottâs government appears to have made the same mistake twice. Todayâs decision has already attracted the predictable wave of criticism from those who donât understand why an Argentinian living in Europe should be given such an honor. Â In a press conference in Canberra this morning, Abbott defended his controversial choice. âPope Francis has been a shining example of good moral behavior throughout the world,â he argued, âand millions of Australians follow his spiritual leadership. âAlthough it is true the pope has never actually been to our country, he has said some very nice things about Australia in the past. And I had the chance to meet him once in Rome and I found him to be a very nice bloke. âI would like to point out that Argentina, like Australia, is in the Southern Hemisphere. He understands our climate. He knows what itâs like to celebrate Christmas in the heat of summer. So as far as Iâm concerned, heâs one of us.â A representative for the Vatican says Pope Francis does not intend on attending the awards ceremony next month, but issued a statement thanking Australia for the offer. âPope Francis wishes to thank the Australian people for their warmth and generosity. The Holy Father will be praying for Prime Minister Abbott, who appears to be suffering from some sort of brain abnormality.â | 1 | satire |
3,324 | Stolen nude photos a âdisgusting invasion of privacyâ, insist men busy googling for them
Men everywhere have this morning described as âdisgustingâ the invasion of privacy caused by leaked photos of naked female celebrities, before seeking clarification on exactly where they are online. Leaked photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, Rihanna and Kate Upton were allegedly stolen from Appleâs iCloud service, and made available online for people who know where to look. Verified male Simon Williams told us, âItâs just so awful, you think these things are private and then people across the Internet get to see them on a website. Was it just one website, or like, a few of them?â âIâm outraged for the celebrity women involved, but I think my outrage would be easier to put into proper context if I just knew the full extent of the leak itself.â âSo that I can empathise better with them, you know?â âThese websites hosting these images are awful, and Iâd like to know exactly which ones they are so that I can avoid them in future.â âIâm angry now, so imagine how angry Iâll be when Iâve eventually been told how to find them.â âSo if you could just tell me where these images are, I could get right on with my outrage and blocking the website, or websites concerned.â âThanks.â Another man, Mike Matthews, was due to talk to us but after a lengthy consultation with his web browser he told us he wasnât âfeeling very wellâ and would be staying in the privacy of his own home for the rest of the day. | 1 | satire |
3,325 | Fred Talbotâs latest forecast includes âlots of desperately unpleasant showersâ
Fred Talbot has been found guilty of sexually abusing teenage boys, and faces the prospect of unpleasant showers for at least the next few years. The television weatherman was found guilty after strong evidence came in from the North West, leaving his defence cold and unsubstantiated. Though parts of his story were said to have cleared, the areas still affected by the verdict can expect several years of unwanted heavy petting. High pressure coming in from A wing could take its toll, leaving Talbotâs areas feeling extremely warm if exposed to the elements involved without adequate protection. Things may clear up overnight, only for the pressure to return each morning in time for breakfast. The long term forecast remains bleak, with no prospect of sunshine. Reporter Simon Williams has been following the case closely, and told us, âI canât say if the showers heâll be experiencing will be heavy, but I can say that the naked guy standing next to him definitely will be.â âApparently heâs used to leaping around when close to water, and heâs going to have to be fleet of foot in the bathrooms from now on, I assure you.â | 1 | satire |
3,326 | Man with Knight Rider ring tone hailed as comedy great
A man who made the Knight Rider theme tune his ring tone has been declared one of the funniest people alive. Simon Williams of Essex is thought to have set the ringtone last Wednesday. âI first heard it on Thursday morning,â said colleague Alison Richards. âSi had gone into a meeting and left his phone on his desk on full volume. Someone kept trying to ring him and every few minutes Knight Rider rang out.â âHeâs definitely hilarious.â Top broadsheet stand-up Stewart Lee was impressed. âWell, I thought my really clever deconstruction of stand-up comedy that Iâve been doing for twenty years was innovative,â he said. âBut your phone playing Knight Rider when someone rings you? This blokeâs in a different league.â Arts and Culture expert Melvyn Bragg offered some perspective. âYou really have to go to the comedy greats; Lenny Bruce, Phil Silvers, Galton and Simpson. These are the sort of people that we have to go to even approach the level of comedy genius displayed by a man who set his ringtone to Knight Rider.â Already weâre starting to see the comedy world try to deal with this seismic shift in its landscape. âWell, you have to adapt with the times,â said David Mitchell. âSo Iâve put the A-Team on my phone, and Robert Webbâs got CHiPs.â | 1 | satire |
3,327 | Parisâ giant sex toy sculpture sells on eBay to âK Price of Sussexâ
The giant green butt plug sculpture which caused such furore in Paris, has been sold on eBay to a user named K Price who lives in Sussex. The giant sex toy, which is approximately eighty feet high when fully engorged failed to get much interest on the auction site until the lucky winner bid £5 on Tuesday evening. US artist Paul McCarthy who created the piece, said he was glad it was going to a good home, and he hoped its new owner would get many years of pleasure from it. He told reporters, âI am disappointed that it could not stay in Paris longer, the Parisians do not appreciate great art, obviously â but I am glad that someone in England saw the potential of my piece.â âIt takes a very good eye to see my work for what it truly is, a social commentary on the pervasive nature of erotica in all aspects of our lives in this modern society, even at Christmas which has an air of innocence about it.â âYou know, and not just something massive to try and stick up your arse.â We reached out to the successful bidder via email for a comment on their acquisition of the controversial artwork. They wrote back,  âYes, artistic merit, right, thatâs definitely why I bought it.â | 1 | satire |
3,328 | âRazzle: The Movieâ announced as follow up to â50 Shades of Greyâ
Producers of the new â50 Shades of Greyâ film are so confident of its success that theyâve already announced a big screen adaptation of magazine âRazzleâ. âPeople, mainly men, are incredibly passionate about Razzle magazine,â said Razzle producer Chris Paul. âSo itâs important that everyoneâs favourite bits from the magazine are in the film; Beccy from Wokingham sprawled naked on a Ford Cortina, made-up true stories about the readerâs incredible sexual stamina, and penis enlarging machines.â Lifelong Razzle reader Simon Williams was thrilled. âThis is brilliant news,â he said. âItâs great that itâll properly take the stigma away from Razzle.â âI thought that when that â50 Shades of Greyâ book came out, it would take the stigma away but people still looked at me funny when I read me Razzle back issues on the Tube.â There is a concern that the younger audience will find it difficult to relate to the idea that pornography wasnât always freely available on the internet but was actually something people had to actively search for in the hedgerows of country lanes around the country. Mr Paul was unconcerned, âNo, trust me, Razzle will appeal to all ages. We might even dump some promo-porn in the hedgerows ourselves.â It is thought that if the Razzle adaptation is a hit we can expect adaptations of âMen Only,â âFiesta,â and âRed Hot Shaven Raversâ. | 1 | satire |
3,329 | Bicycle that broke Bonoâs arm given New Year Honour
The bicycle that broke U2 frontman Bonoâs arm in 2014 has been awarded an MBE after it was revealed this week that the 54 year-old may never play guitar again. The bicycle, a Holborn Racer 440, was awarded the prestigious honour for âservices to musical tasteâ in a last-minute ceremony held earlier today. Family of the bicycle expressed their immense pride at news of the honour, which they claim was completely unexpected. âItâs such an honour to see a member of the family recognised in this wayâ, said R. Chopper, the bicycleâs father. âWe never thought heâd ever achieve anything really, not with him being a bike and everything.â âBut to see him make such a positive contribution to world around him gives such a huge sense of pride for me and his mum.â Musical experts said that the bicycle was only awarded an MBE because technically Bono can still sing. âIf it has managed to damage him vocal chords then weâre in âKnighthoodâ territory,â explained Simon Williams, and expert in the Commonwealth honours system. Fans have the band have been reassured following news of their singerâs recent injury with the announcement that a 97-hour recording of Bono undergoing physical therapy would automatically be downloaded to all iTunes enabled devices by Friday. | 1 | satire |
3,330 | Iâm a Celebrity producers to introduce deadly âdriver antsâ
Iâm a Celebrity producers are to level the playing field in this seasonâs âbushtucker trialsâ by introducing bugs that eat you back. The popular ITV show is now into its 14th series, and producers have struggled to keep ratings high, especially after criticism from the RSPCA and other animal welfare organisations. Just this week, Chris Packham appealed to Ant and Dec in an open letter. The Springwatch star has previously highlighted animal exploitation on the show and he pointed out that dangerous creatures have their âfangs sealedâ or âjaws boundâ. âThat definitely gave the human participants an unfair advantage,â nodded producer Jez Carbunkle. âWhy not flog, birch, tar and feather or hang draw and quarter the contestants as well?â Packham told The Mirror in 2012. âAfter all these practices date from the same periods when animal-baiting was popular entertainment.â Jez Carbunkle agreed and invited viewers to suggest ways of mentally and physically torturing TOWIEâs Gemma Collins. This week, a surprise colony of 50,000 African driver ants is due to be introduced into the camp after a vote on Twitter. âShe said she wanted to slim down,â laughed the producer. âThese guys just leave behind skeleton and cartilage!â Driver ants are the only insects known to kill and rapidly consume large mammals, and they appear in Hollywood hits such as Charlton Hestonâs âThe Naked Jungleâ, and âIndiana Jones and the Crystal Skullsâ. Contrary to popular belief, the ants donât eat their victims alive, but asphyxiate their meal by swarming its airways and clogging its lungs. âWeâll put them in while sheâs asleep,â Carbunkle snorted, urinating over his shoes. âThe lawyers say weâve got a duty of care or something, but the viewers voted against that, so Gemma Collins is getting ants in her pants! Keep watching, everyone!â | 1 | satire |
3,331 | Oscar ceremony expected to be the smuggest of all-time
Sundayâs Oscars ceremony is predicted by many to be the smuggest in living memory. âOh, yes, this year will be staggeringly smug,â predicted Oscar expert Serena Greene. âItâs a group of insanely rich people who are spectacularly pleased with themselves because they know which way to point a camera, or because theyâre capable of remembering words.â âBut when they get together to give themselves awards for doing so they become almost supernaturally smug.â The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is a collection of white middle-aged men with a few token women and black people let in to make the drinks and clean up. Theyâve been giving each other awards since 1929 when they first decided that they were absolutely brilliant. However, this year is expected to be worse than usual. âThis year is almost a perfect storm of smugness for three reasons,â continued Ms Greene. âOne; It follows the Saturday Night Live anniversary celebration, which featured largely the same group of smug white men being smug for three hours on live TV.â âThis means we have a higher baseline of smugness in the industry than normal.â âTwo; we have Richard Linklatterâs âBoyhood,â this is a film that many at the Academy consider âimportantâ â because it took a really, really long time to make.â âWhen film-makers do something âimportantâ like alert the world to a devastating disease it already knew about in âPhiladelphia,â or free Scotland from the hated British in âBraveheart,â then it raises the smugness level even higher.â âThree; Bradley Cooper will be there.â British people are advised to do the only sensible thing and sleep through the lot of it. | 1 | satire |
3,332 | Prof Brian Cox to unravel mysteries of automated customer service systems
The unfathomable mysteries behind most automated customer service systems are at the heart of Professor Brian Coxâs new television project, it has been revealed today. The television physicist said that unravelling the mysteries of the universe could only be achieved one step at a time, and that the complexities behind most automated customer service systems intrigued âthe scientistâ in him. He told reporters, âIn my new show weâll be talking about a series of numbers and options that to the naked eye bear no resemblance to any mathematical or logical system known to humankind.â âWhat at first looks relatively straight forward soon descends into chaos, often leaving the uninitiated back where they began and none the wiser.â âIn much the same way a cosmic wormhole could result in you ending up where you began, only with everything around you having got a lot older, the same is true of automated customer service telephone systems.â âI am hoping my new series will draw parallels to travel in time and space that will advance human knowledge into areas we can not currently comprehend.â The new show has been welcomed by viewers excited to learn where many lost hours of their own have disappeared to. Cox went on, âClearly there is an ordered system at play here, but learning how it works is akin to discovering the Higgs Boson â really fucking difficult. I hope to simplify it for my viewers during the series.â âI am sure it will take a mind greater than my own to finally unravel this mystery completely, but I hope to begin the journey that might one day result in a consumer managing to talk to a real fucking human being once in a while.â | 1 | satire |
3,333 | Ability to bake cakes somehow now âa thingâ
The list of things that can make you famous has been extended to making fancy cakes for people to eat on television, it emerged this morning. With entertainment television show âThe Great British Bake Offâ concluding last night with a winner in 60 year-old grandmother Nancy Birtwhistle, many experts have predicted fame will soon be available to all. Entertainment consultant Derek Matthews told us, âWhat we are seeing is the elevation of what are essentially domestic chores into valuable television commodities.â âI know, it sounded ridiculous when I say it like that. My only surprise is that Simon Cowell didnât think of it first.â Television owner Simon Williams told us, âMy missus could win The Great British Iron off, definitely. And I donât see why that particular domestic chore is any less worthy of fame than cooking?â âWhat next? Britainâs Best toilet scrubber, where a selection of celebrity cleaners take it in turns to eat their dinners off a toilet seat cleaned by a contestant?â Amateur cooks around the country have said they wouldnât mind becoming famous for something they already have to do at home anyway. Housewife Diedre Smith told us, âIâm OK at cooking I guess, but is washing up a thing yet? Please let me know when it is.â âI do this two-handed thing with a tea-towel that Iâm sure the viewers will love.â | 1 | satire |
3,334 | Obamaâs Summer Vacation Costs Taxpayers $37 Billion
President Obamaâs upcoming two-week vacation to Marthaâs Vineyard will reportedly cost taxpayers a staggering $37 billion. According to a calculation by Fox News, next monthâs getaway will be Obamaâs third most expensive trip as president following his $121 billion visit to India in 2010 and his $98 billion trek to Arlington, Virginia last spring. While on Marthaâs Vineyard, an island resort south of Cape Cod in Massachusetts, the Obamas will reportedly be living large. In a ground-breaking exposé Fox says that the White House has rented 12 houses on the island for a total price of $3 million a day. A jaw-dropping $10 billion has been budgeted for entertainment. Cirque du Soleil is scheduled to give a private $125 million performance. And the White House has paid Disney $4 billion to create a miniature Disneyland on the island for the children. Michelle Obama has also hired a team of 27 artists to paint portraits of the family while on holiday, and will be paying each a $500,000 a week retainer. The bulk of the enormous $37 billion cost, however, comes from the elaborate security measures the government is taking to assure Obamaâs safety. Over 78,000 Secret Service agents will protect the president during his stay, at a cost of $1.2 billion a day. And 28 Navy ships - including one aircraft carrier - will guard the island for the duration of the trip. The aircraft carrier will be equipped with 43 brand-new F-35s ordered just for this mission at a sum of $145 million each. When Obamaâs vacation is over, the jets will be dumped into the ocean. âWe understand that some of these expenses may seem unnecessary,â White House press secretary Josh Earnest told reporters today. âBut can we really put a price on Barack Obamaâs comfort and peace of mind?â Some Republican leaders in Washington believe the White House should at least try. âThis is the worst waste of government money since President Clintonâs $300 billion haircut,â says Paul Ryan, U.S. representative from Wisconsin, âWhen are the American people going to wake up?â | 1 | satire |
3,335 | âTo Kill a Mockingbirdâ sequel to feature surprising amount of vampires and bondage
Harper Leeâs recently announced sequel to âTo Kill a Mockingbirdâ will feature space battles, vampires, and some light spanking. âIâm delighted to announce Harper Leeâs second great American Novel, âShades of a grey in the Twilight of spaceâ,â said Ms Leeâs Editor. âIt will feature Scout Finch as she travels into the future to battle the evil Lord of the Space-Devils, but ends up having a sexual awakening after doing bondage with a posh vampire,â he continued. âItâs probably a metaphor or something.â To Kill a Mockingbird is a modern American classic, and is said to have inspired some the worldâs greatest leaders. âMs Lee is a great American hero of mine,â said President Obama. âLike many American children, âTo Kill a Mockingbirdâ shaped my views of tolerance and justice.â âBut what I have always wondered if Scout Finch would have an erotic awakening with a space-vampire.â There is early talk of a film adaptation, with Michael Bay particularly interested. âGoddamn, now thatâs my kind of film,â he said. âThat first one was pussy-ass, but Scout Finchâs ass getting spanked? Hubba Hubba! Put Jen Lawrence in it and weâre talking dynamite.â Harper Lee herself is said to be concerned that already people are putting too much emphasis on the erotic aspects of the novel. âItâs got lots of really cool space battles as well,â she said. | 1 | satire |
3,336 | New film deal to see Spiderman appear in future Mike Leigh films
A new deal between Sony and Channel Four Films will see Spiderman appear in the next three Mike Leigh films. âWe recognise that has long been a source of frustration to Spiderman fans that an exclusivity deal has kept the property with Sony,â said Channel Four Films spokesperson Mark Hammond. âSo we think everyone will be super-psyched that weâve worked out a way for him to appear in Mikeâs films,  where Iâm sure we can all agree he belongs.â Mike Leighâs next film is âCribbage,â thought to be a touching drama of a friendship that blossoms between a retired milkman and someone who wears a hat. âYeah, the milkman picture, everyone wanted Spiderman in that,â continued Mr Hammond. âMike was going to walk, said there was no way the film would work without Spiderman.â âHell, I donât think anyone wanted to go through what we went through when he couldnât get the Incredible Hulk for Mr Turner, and I think thatâs what got the deal going.â Following âCribbageâ will be a biography of Aneurin Bevan featuring Spiderman as Clement Atlee and the story of a working class divorcee whose life is changed when she takes up Salsa dancing with Spiderman. Fans will hope this deal will pave the way for Batman to appear in Ken Loach films, Scooby Doo in Pedro Almodóvar films, and digitally enhanced versions of Ingmar Bergmanâs films to feature Jabba the Hut. | 1 | satire |
3,337 | Kim Kardashian has nipples
Reality star Kim Kardashian revealed yesterday that she possesses at least two nipples. âI am Kim Kardashian,â she said before posing in the nude. âAnd these are my nipples.â The picture that many major newspapers ran on their front page revealed that the Kardashian nipples appear in the usual place, at the end of the Kardashian breasts. âThey appear to be perfectly normal nipples,â revealed biologist Michael Chowney. âObviously, itâs hard to tell without running tests but I would imagine they function perfectly well and are capable of both expressing milk and receiving sexual stimuli. There has long been debate over Ms Kardashianâs nipples. âI mean, yeah, alright. You saw them in that video for Bound 2,â said sexual pervert Simon Williams. âBut, you know Kanye West is a really controlling sort of bloke and who knows what he did to her.â What remains unclear is whether she has any further nipples. âWell, it would certainly be a surprise,â said Doctor Chowney. âBut not unheard of, some people have a third, or âsupernumeraryâ nipple that serves no biological function.â The full ramifications of Kim Kardashianâs nipples have yet to be seen. Governments around the world were considering their positions with both the White House and Downing Street refusing to comment. | 1 | satire |
3,338 | One of the ones at the back leaves Take That
One the blokes that stands at the side of or behind the important ones is to leave Take That, it has been announced this morning. The one that is leaving, whose name we believe to be âDave Yellowâ, is said to want to pursue the opportunity of standing behind other things deemed more important than him. The important ones in the band said this was a sad day for the band as a whole, as now someone else will have to adopt the role of the ânot very important oneâ. Early indications are that this new role will be taken by the tall one we believe to be called âSteveâ, who does a lot of dancing and not very much of the actual singing. Take That fan Sheila Williams said she had been very sad about the announcement, until she realise she could no longer picture the face of the one that was leaving. âItâs not Robbie, as heâs already gone, and itâs not Gary, but itâs also not little cute Mark â so who was it? Dave you said? I just canât picture him.â âAre we quite sure that Take That wasnât actually a three-piece band all along?â âDaveâ was unavailable for comment, but a friend said he was going to spend the day standing next to paintings in an art gallery. | 1 | satire |
3,339 | Paddington Bear film forced to cut mutual masturbation scene
StudioCanal has voluntarily cut a controversial scene of mutual masturbation from the new Paddington Bear film. âWe have taken advice from the British Board of Film Classification,â said a spokesperson for the film. âAnd we have decided to remove a scene in which Paddington Bear watches the teenage daughter of the Brown family engage in mutual masturbation with her boyfriend in a parked car.â âWhilst there was no more than two or three seconds shown of an erect penis, and no implication at all that the bear was either involved or aroused, we accept that the scene may be too strong for a film aimed at under-fives.â The controversial scene came to light after early previews of the film proved upsetting for some of the younger audience. âShe touched him on the thing,â said six-year-old Susie Davis of Strood. Susieâs mother was left concerned by the scene. She told us, âIt did seem a little ill-judged. I didnât really understand why it was necessary to be so explicit? Couldnât they have just implied the mutual masturbation?â However the filmmakers defended the sceneâs importance to the filmâs narrative. âThe thing you have to understand about Paddington Bear,â said writer Michael Bond. âIs that he is an extremely curious bear. The parked car scene is a wonderful chance to explore that curiosity.â âI originally planned to have a junkie in the car sobbing as he injected heroin between his toes, but I wanted something a little more positive.â The scene may be re-inserted for a âlonger-hotter-harderâ DVD release of the film. | 1 | satire |
3,340 | UK and Argentina reach agreement to âgive backâ Top Gear presenters
The UK has agreed to give the presenters of Top Gear back to Argentina, in a bid to restore goodwill between the two countries. The Top Gear team fled the country after being pelted by stones for driving a car with a number plate that referred to the 1982 Falklands conflict, but are soon to be returned after the two countries reached agreement. Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and the other one are currently in a military plane en route to Buenos Aires after the two countries put pen to paper on the terms of their extradition. A spokesperson for the Home Office explained, âComplex extradition orders and international diplomatic issues such as this can often take months if not years to resolve, but this whole deal was concluded very quickly indeed.â âArgentina said âweâd like to string them up by their testicles in a public settingâ and we said âOK, do you need any more string?â.â âIt is a win-win arrangement to be fair. They get to string some people up and pacify their voters, and we get rid of the Top Gear presenters â whatâs not to like about the deal?â The BBC show has so far refused to comment officially on the whereabouts of its presenters, though one show insider explained they were heading back to Argentina. They told us, âThey landed and were busy telling everyone how funny they are when some people from the government came in and put a sack over Jeremy Clarksonâs head.â âApparently itâs not necessary, they just donât particularly like Jeremyâs face.â âThe officials apologised to us, but said a fall in BBC ratings would be well worth it if this stops Argentina going on about the Falklands for a couple of years.â âOh, and weâve got the exclusive rights to any public flogging they might receive â which is nice.â | 1 | satire |
3,341 | Donald Trump calls for âverifiedâ Twitter sycophant accounts
Donald Trump has bemoaned the rising number of people on Twitter who donât like him, calling for a return to the days when he could retweet sycophants without concern. After one of his followers made him retweet a photo of Rose and Fred West by blowing a small amount of smoke up his ass, Trump said the social network must do more to protect celebrities who like to retweet compliments. Trump told reporters, âIt is important that elite Twitter users like myself can retweet genuine sycophants without worrying if they are taking the piss or not.â âIf Twitter were to introduce âverifiedâ sycophant status for users who just want spend all day complimenting celebrities and crying out for a retweet, then this whole process would be much easier.â âI mean, I could then limit my retweets to people I know are going to make me look good and the whole Internet will be a better place.â âItâs about time Twitter took the whole issue of celebrity sycophancy more seriously.â Social media experts have warned that verified sycophant status would be difficult to monitor, and even harder to enforce. Consultant Simon Williams explained, âWhat do you do for the Twitter user who says Cheryl Cole is the most gifted artist of her generation, but that Louis Walsh is only qualified to work on the bins?â âThey go from sycophant to troll in the space of one tweet.â âThat said it would probably be best all round if we just ignore anything Donald Trump says. Seriously, that man would retweet Islamic State if they said his golf course was nice.â | 1 | satire |
3,342 | Operation Yewtree urged to consider extending remit to cover âhistoric twatsâ
Officers in charge of Operation Yewtree been urged by the public to expand their investigations beyond historic sex offenders to people who have always been a bit of a twat. The call comes as the rate of arrests amongst minor celebrities begins to slow down, leaving the fear that some of the more annoying celebrities may never be arrested at all. âWe are listening to the public over this, I assure you,â said Chief Inspector John Greene. âWe know that people are hugely disappointed that large swathes of twats from the eighties and nineties seem to not only have gotten away with being twats, but in some cases continue to be twats.â Television owner Simon Williams told us, âWell I say âitâs about timeâ. I grew up in the eighties so I was the victim of loads of twats.â âYou know, Paul Daniels and Noel Edmonds and that? Massive twats. They shouldnât allowed to get away with it.â As a result in the change of focus Simon Bates has already been stopped at Stansted Airport attempting to leave the country whilst wearing stupid jumper. Paul Christopher witnessed the arrest and found it hard to contain his emotions, âGood. Bloody good. After what that bastard did with âOur Tune,â I hope they throw away the bloody key.â Steve Wright is still defiantly being an enormous twat on national radio, trotting out the same old âfactoidsâ and inflicting banter on his aging âposse.â It is believed that the only reason he hasnât gone to ground is that heâs too lazy to leave the studio. Other high-profile potential targets include Mike Read, Chris Tarrant, Stan Boardman, Mick from Pat and Mick, Pat from Pat and Mick, and Orville the Duck. We will keep you up to date with developments as they happen. | 1 | satire |
3,343 | James Nesbitt to solve Madeleine McCann case âwithin a weekâ
UK police have enlisted tough-guy actor James Nesbitt to help solve the Madeleine McCann case by beating the shit out of all the suspects. Nesbitt became an expert in unsolved child murders while filming ITV series âThe Missingâ in which he gets to duff a lot of people â mainly perverts â up. Nesbitt said, âFirst I had a chat with Maddieâs Dad Gerry McCann. Seemed like a decent guy, so I followed him into the toilets, thrust his head into the wash basin and kicked him repeatedly in the bollocks.â âHe was adamant he had nothing to do with her disappearance so that pretty much rules him out.â âBefore losing consciousness, Gerry mentioned something about a guy called Alonso who runs a tapas bar so I tracked him down to his yacht where he was nervously holding a camcorder.â âTurns out he was once a school caretaker, which is code for nonce, so I bludgeoned him with a fire extinguisher, wrapped him in a main-sail with some breeze blocks and chucked him overboard.â âI shudder to think what was on that camcorder.â âItâs ok â the wife has given me an alibi.â After watching Nesbittâs performance in the ITV drama, thirty former Radio One DJs voluntarily wandered into the Praia de Luz Police station, each declaring that they were there on the night Madeline McCann was abducted. Head of the UK investigation, Simon Williams, said, âWeâd pretty much exhausted all leads and weâre about to search the McCannâs car again â this time with sniffer dogs â when I saw James giving these pervs a work over on ITV.â âIâm convinced weâll have this solved before the weekâs out.â Nesbitt concluded, âViolence and intimidation is the only language these perverts understand.â âWell, that and Portuguese.â | 1 | satire |
3,344 | Pistorius judge to offer Ant & Dec lessons in building suspense
Britainâs Got Talent presenters Ant & Dec are to receive coaching in the art of building tension from the judge in Oscar Pistoriusâ trial, according to sources this morning. Show runner Simon Cowell was said to be intrigued with how Judge Thokozile Masipa managed to keep everyone enthralled for hours on end without actually revealing the result to anyone. After finally delivering a guilty verdict in the case some twenty-four hours after beginning her address, Cowell has ordered his executives to find out âher secretâ, and bring it back to his shows in the UK. As one ITV executive explained, âThis is Simonâs top priority now. His focus has been finding talent in front of the camera, but the judge seems like she could revolutionise the approach behind it.â âLike Simon told me, imagine those skills taken from the courtroom and put into to prime time television? Imagine the advertisers we could attract if no-one dared to switch off.â âI donât mean to deride Ant & Dec, theyâve become very good at saying things like âand the winner isâ¦.coming up after this short breakâ, but that only gives them a few minutes grace.â âImagine that suspense running into hours, or even days â thatâs what the Judge Masipa has done here, and we love it.â âShe is a true master in the art of suspense, and Simon is absolutely determined to get her on board and to get the boys learning from her.â When told of the approach, Ant or Dec said, âFair enough, but Iâm not wearing a wig.â | 1 | satire |
3,345 | Republicans Pass Resolution Declaring âRacism is Overâ
Republicans in Congress passed a bill today officially declaring that racism no longer exists in the United States. Large majorities of conservative lawmakers in both the House and Senate voted for the symbolic measure, which coincided with this yearâs Martin Luther King Day holiday. âToday we can finally say that Martin Luther Kingâs dream has been fully realized,â said Speaker John Boehner from the House floor. âWe have an African-American president. We have an African-American attorney general. We have blacks in the Senate and on the Supreme Court. âFourteen African-Americans have even been to space. Hundreds of black athletes earn millions of dollars each year in professional sports. And every time I turn on HBO or my local radio station, thereâs a black entertainer making us laugh or helping us to get our groove on. âBlack people have achieved success at the highest levels of American life. And I think itâs safe to say that none of these extraordinary individuals could not have accomplished these feats in a racist society. âSo I join most Americans in recognizing what weâve all known for years: racism is a thing of the past. Finally we can put this terrible chapter of our history behind us.â Although much progress has been made in recent decades, African-Americans in the United States are still more likely to go to jail, less likely to go to college and earn much less money on average than whites. Just in the past few months, several unarmed black teenagers were shot by police under controversial circumstances, a stark reminder of the deep racial inequities that remain in the justice system. Such events do little to convince those on the right, however, who argue that the election of the nation's first black president has canceled out any remaining racial discrimination in society. âHopefully now that racism is over, black people will put down the watermelons, stop making excuses and finally get jobs,â added Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA), who once addressed a white supremacist group and yet inexplicably remains the third-ranking Republican in the House. | 1 | satire |
3,346 | The Sun accused of hypocrisy for continuing to âreport on criminalsâ
The Sun has been accused of rank hypocrisy for reporting on âcrimeâ, despite having employed several criminals. After the public pointed out to the tabloid what hypocrisy actually meant, The Sun was forced to admit that its continued attempts to run âreportsâ of criminal activity did seem to reek somewhat of hypocrisy. News consumer Simon Williams tried to guide The Sun through the actual definition of hypocrisy, but was left frustrated. He told us, âI think that once I had explained that hypocrisy isnât when you defend the rights of poverty-line tenants when your own landlord is part of a tax evasion scheme, things started to get a little clearer.â âAdmittedly they still seemed a little confused, so we gave them a new definition â publishing âstoriesâ on criminals, when you, yourself, are a criminal. Then they seemed to get it.â âWe didnât even have to name any of the criminals that have been employed by The Sun, they just gave us a knowing look like âah, I get it nowâ.â As one reporter at The Sun admitted, âYes, I can see how our attempts to report on the criminal activities of others is something of a hypocritical position when we ourselves are seemingly rife with criminals â some in prison, others still awaiting trial.â âBut the problem, as I see it, is that no matter how hypocritical we might be, Russell Brand is still a bell-end.â | 1 | satire |
3,347 | Next yearâs X-Factor winner already dropped by Syco Records
The 2015 winner of the X-Factor has dramatically been dropped by Simon Cowellâs record label six months before the showâs quest to find them begins. The winner, who will prove popular with the public after their emotional back-story is revealed during the series, will no longer be contracted to Syco to produce âmusicâ. âIt was a difficult decision, but one we had to make,â said a representative for Syco. âBut we feel that our partnership with the as yet unknown artist has run its course and we wish them well for the future.â Although the identity of the artist wonât be known until the X-Factorâs final show in December, theyâre probably really happy with the direction their career has now taken, and look forward to a lifetime of singing Celine Dion songs on cruise ships. X-Factor fans were pragmatic at the announcement. âWell, itâs probably quite disappointing to know that youâve been dropped even before youâve been signed,â said fan Simon Williams. âBut what youâve got to remember is that theyâll have been on an amazing journey and will have been mentored by whoever it is whoâs announced to mentor them, which will have been amazing.â The person in question will almost certainly become one of the most famous people in the country for a few weeks, before becoming really quite tiresome and then releasing an album of shitty cover versions just as everyone stops caring. âOne thing we would like to make very clear though,â said the spokesperson for Syco. âWe still get the money from that album.â âAll the money.â | 1 | satire |
3,348 | Wombles to tour seminal âKeep on Womblingâ album
The Wombles of Wimbledon are to reform to perform their classic âKeep on Womblingâ album. The Wombles were some of Britainâs favourite 70s non-paedophile â at the time of writing â music stars, and âKeep on Wombling,â is considered a highpoint of their work featuring the profound âWomble of the Universe,â and the thought-provoking âHall of the Mountain Womble.â Lifelong Wombles fan Simon Williams was thrilled. âThis really is great news,â he said. âItâs going to be special, Uncle Bulgaria is known to be a real perfectionist so I canât wait to see how he manages to perform âInvitation to the Ping-Pong ballâ live.â âThis is definitely their best album, they started to sell out a bit after this and just do lots of commercial stuff, but stuff like âTobermoryâs Music Machine,â is the essence of what the Wombles were trying to do.â The Wombles announcement follows a recent trend of music acts performing sets of albums from Brian Wilson and âPet Soundsâ to Underworld and âDubnobasswithmyheadmanâ. The popularity of these tours shows no sign of waning and fans hope that rumours of similar tours from St Winifredâs School Choir, the Goombay Dance band and Scooch are true. | 1 | satire |
3,349 | Harrison Fordâs attempt to redo the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs ends in disaster
Harrison Ford is expected to make a full recovery after crashing on a Los Angeles golf course whilst attempting the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Ford has long been keen to prove that it is possible to complete the famous smugglerâs run in less than 12 parsecs after making the claim in a hive of scum and villainy a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. âGoddamn right itâs possible to do the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs,â he said as he kicked the 1942 Ryan Aeronautical ST3KR he used for the attempt. âI told the old man and the kid that, and Iâm telling you that.â This was a reference to controversial meeting which saw Ford long suspected of an unprovoked murder, until recently revealed CCTV images show that the victim; Greedo, actually shot at Ford first and that he was simply defending himself. Ford appeared bitter about his plane, but he angrily defended the craft after one young witness described it as a âpiece of junkâ. He told them, âShe may not look like much, but sheâs got it where it counts, kid. Iâve made a lot of special modifications myself.â âI would have made it if Iâd had the Millennium Falcon, but oh no, they needed that for the battle between Lukeâs twin sons around the moon of Kashyyyk, before Darth Vader comes back as a ghost and C3P0 finally comes out of the closet.â âDamn, I probably shouldnât have told you that.â | 1 | satire |
3,350 | Top Gear now indistinguishable from Last of the Summer Wine
The vast majority of the viewing audience canât tell the difference between Last of the Summer Wine and Top Gear, we can reveal. Car fan Carl Richards said âI turned on the telly the other night and there was Thora Hird driving along spouting old person bollocks, but then it turned out I was actually watching Jeremy Clarkson reviewing a new Alpha Romeo.â âAn easy mistake to make, you have to admit.â âAnd then another time I was watching a Top Gear presenter driving a new Lamborghini, and only realised later it was Last of the Summer Wine and Compo had won the lottery.â âSort it out, BBC.â Top Gear producers have reacted angrily to the claim, saying âNext week jeremy and James will push Hammond down a hill in a bath with wheels on whilst an old lady in the audiences cackles with uncontrollable, hysterical laughter.â âWhat could be more original than that?â A BBC spokesman said: âThe difference is clear. One is a gentle comedy about three childish old men desperately clinging to lost youth in a succession of japes, the otherâ¦â âOhâ¦â | 1 | satire |
3,351 | Hermione Granger dumps Ron Weasley for muggle Prince
In a major shock to the wizarding world, Auror Hermione Granger has left Ron Weasley for a muggle Prince. Granger, who was instrumental in the downfall of he-who-should-not-be-named, was reported to be very happy with Ron Weasley, but clearly she has a bit of a thing for gingers and the chance to trade up was too good to miss. It is not yet certain whether the Prince has any magical powers, although photographs from the muggle city of Las Vegas in 2012 suggest he has an exceptionally large wand which he has used to enchant women before. However, some are unconvinced that the new relationship will last, pointing out that the Princeâs father looks like Dobby the House Elf and she wonât want to hang round long enough for that to happen to him as well. Ron Weasley is reported to be inconsolable at her desertion, and has been overheard muttering something about âHorcruxâ, or something which sounded very similar anyway. Colin Creavey, reporter for the Daily Prophet, said âLetâs face it, the Prince is called Harry. This is clearly displacement activity.â âWe all know whatâs really going on hereâ, he added, with a knowing wink. Harry Potter was unavailable for comment on claims he is having an affair with Princess Eu-Ginnie. | 1 | satire |
3,352 | Sony hackers urged to take offence at Adam Sandlerâs next film
The group behind the Sony hack which has led to the cancellation of The Interview, have been asked to take a closer look at anything Adam Sandler is working on. The film The Interview, which stars James Franco and Seth Rogen was due for release over Christmas, but has been cancelled due to security concerns following threats from people who seem to really like Kim Jong Un but are nothing to do with North Korea. Film fan Simon Williams told us, âI understand security is important, but I wanted to see The Interview, it sounds amusing, and I liked their previous work on the Kanye motorbike video.â âLook, if these hackers really want to make the world a better place, then maybe they should look elsewhere in the movie industry for a deserving target.â âHave they seen Jack & Jill? What about Bucky Larson? These are films that would really make me want to support any group that would engage in hacking to prevent them ever happening again.â âMaybe we could start a rumour that Adam Sandler sneaks in little jokes about North Korea in all his films â really subtle stuff that you could miss the first few dozen times you watch them?â âSurely that would be enough for DPRK to have him removed from our screens forever?â âI could definitely support that.â | 1 | satire |
3,353 | Nation hoping there are flesh-eating kangaroos in Australian jungle
As the new series of Iâm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here began on ITV, the nation has become transfixed on the idea of a flesh-eating marsupial storming the camp in the middle of the night and devouring the contestants alive. The series began by introducing a wide range of people you donât know, among faces of people youâve never seen, interspersed with a couple who might have been recognisable in the eighties. Viewer Sarah Williams told us, âOnce again they have taken mediocrity to a whole new level.â âIâm pretty sure itâs a trade descriptions infringement, right? Clearly that show should be called Iâm A Fucking Nobody Now Let Me Eat Some Testicles For Your Entertainment.â âHow am I supposed to know which of them should sleep in a vat of animal faeces if Iâve no idea who they are?â Television owners Grant Matthews told us, âIâve been researching, and though Kangaroos are strict herbivores, and evolution can take millions of years, Iâm still hoping that a savage meat-eating genus will emerge before the season finishes.â âIt might somehow make its way into camp and get stuck into that moron from that Essex abomination.â âIt might need to be post-watershed, but I guarantee ITV it will be the biggest audience theyâve ever had.â âThey could even sell it on pay per view and make a fortune.â | 1 | satire |
3,354 | Pretty Woman to be remade with Ryan Gosling as a male prostitute
After announcing a Ghostbusters remake with an all female-cast, producers have followed up with plans for a Pretty Woman remake starring Ryan Gosling as a prostitute. With gender reversal in lovingly remembered blockbusters now de rigueur in Hollywood, there has been fervent excitement at the prospect of Gosling taking on the role made famous by Julia Roberts in the 1990 smash hit. Speculation is rife that Helen Mirren has been signed to play the role of the millionaire business person who enjoys the company of prostitutes, previously portrayed by Richard Gere â though her publicist has yet to confirm the rumours. Movie fan Simon Williams told us, âI quite liked the original, but Iâm also all for a bit of gender role reversal.â âThe idea of an older woman on the big screen paying for sex would make quite a refreshing change.â âThough Iâm not sure the remake will feature as heavily as the original does in my wank bank.â A spokesperson for Gosling told us, âRyan is excited to take on this much-loved role, and he hopes to bring something fresh to the character, including a penis.â âThe official title is still under wraps, obviously, but you wouldnât be a million miles away with Pretty Man, Pretty Guy, or Pretty Boy.â Ryan Gosling fan Sharon Jones asked, âThere will be nudity, right? Lots and lots of lovely nudity?â âAnd as a prostitute, he will be required to do lots of sexy things? And this will ultimately be available to me at home in high-definition?â âGood.â | 1 | satire |
3,355 | Eager fan spots giant red arrow shapes on leaked Star Wars set photos
Star Wars fans have been left tumescent with excitement after leaked photos from the set of the new Star Wars movie revealed giant red arrow shapes that could be part of the Disney franchise. The photos appear to show what fans are calling, âthin red pointy space ships that probably fire lasers and stuffâ located on the set near Greenham Common. There are other Star Wars items in the photo, lending credibility to the discovery of these new transport modes. Star Wars fan Simon Williams explained, âThis is massive, just massive. Â We have no idea if these giant red structures are goodies or baddies, but the way they are aligned to the Millennium Falcon and X-wing fights suggests they are baddies.â âI canât see any doors or wings, so they might even be missiles? Who knows!â âIâm not sure I can wait until 2016 to find out though, Iâm desperate to know more!â Movie reviewers have suggested that the new structures show signs that J.J. Abrams has taken inspiration for his new film from application such as Microsoft PowerPoint. As one explained, âIâve seen similar structures when trying to create slides for executives at my publication.â âI think we can probably expect to see them behave in a similar manner in the Star Wars universe.â âI guess they either just dissolve into locations and fly in from on the sides of the screen. Â It should be amazing!â | 1 | satire |
3,356 | Russia Shoots Down Santaâs Sleigh Near North Pole
Russia shot down Santa Clausâs sleigh today in international airspace over the Arctic Ocean. According to local reports, the sleigh was beginning its annual Christmas Eve journey around the world when it was struck by a surface-to-air missile fired from the Russian island of Novaya Zemlya, just a few hundred miles from the North Pole. Santa and nearly all of his reindeer were killed instantly. Norwegian fisherman soon located the debris field in the frigid waters of the Arctic Ocean. Images of the debris aired on CNN and other international news networks show broken limbs, teddy bears, and gift wrapping strewn throughout the sea. Although Russia has officially denied involvement in the incident, U.S. intelligence forces say they have proof the missile was fired from a Russian military installation on the island. Several ultra-nationalist politicians in Moscow have praised the downing, which targeted a popular Western celebrity. âSanta Claus is a symbol of Western decadence and consumerism,â said Alexei Onnatopp, leader of the far-right Golden Bear party. âWhoever killed this fat, corrupt man is a patriot and a hero.â Todayâs events bear striking similarities to the downing of Malaysian Flight 17, which was shot down by pro-Russian rebels in eastern Ukraine this summer using a similar surface-to-air missile. All 285 passengers and 15 crew were killed aboard that flight, which was traveling from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur. Remarkably one reindeer survived todayâs blast and is currently being treated for his injuries at a hospital in Norway. Authorities have yet to officially release its name, but sources close to the investigation confirm that it is Rudolph -- the crimson-snouted misfit immortalized in an eponymous 1939 song. âWe were able to rescue him first because of his red nose,â says Lars Sommerhielm, an admiral in the Royal Norwegian Navy. âIt stood out amongst the ocean waves. The others we couldnât get to in time.â In a speech from the Oval Office, President Obama vowed an appropriate response to the tragedy, which may include tightening sanctions on an already crumbling Russian economy. âToday Russia has gone too far,âhe told reporters. âPresident (Vladimir) Putin has threatened the hopes and dreams of children around the world. He will be brought to justice.â A funeral for Mr. Claus has been set for Dec. 28 at the North Pole. Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron, French President Francois Hollande and other international dignitaries are scheduled to attend. | 1 | satire |
3,357 | David Dimbleby gets massive nose ring
David Dimbleby has shocked producers of Question Time by taking his interest in body art to new levels with a large silver nose ring. After getting his first tattoo during filming for his BBC programme Britain and the Sea, Dimbleby is said to have fallen in love with the idea of adorning his body with other pieces of âartâ. A BBC insider explained, âWe thought the scorpion tattoo was amusing enough, and itâs not like anyone can see it.â âBut then he turned up for a Question Time meeting this morning with a ring through his nose that wouldnât have looked out-of-place on a bull.â âIt was red, sore, and more than a little puss-ridden â plus he canât talk properly as it keeps hitting his top lip.  But he does insist he likes the way it looks.â âFrankly no-one can take their eyes of it.  Partly because of the way it catches the light, and partly because every time it moves he winces in pain.â âMuch like his tattoo, I canât help but wonder if heâll regret it when he gets older.â Guests of the panel show have expressed their admiration for Dimbleby, explaining that it takes courage to make significant changes to your appearance as if you were some sort of easily influenced teenager. However teenagers with nose rings have expressed their disappointment that such a piece of jewellery could soon become seen as a mark of the âestablishmentâ. As one explained, âWhat next, Jeremy Paxman with gauged ear lobe rings?â The final word went to our BBC insider, who concluded, âThe nose ring is bad, but I really donât want to tell you what heâs done to his penis.â | 1 | satire |
3,358 | House of Cards spoilers more harmful than second hand smoke, claim office workers
Office workers across the country have claimed the risk of exposure to House of Cards spoilers is far worse than the risk they faced when colleagues used to light up at the desk next to them. With season two of the Netflix drama already being binge consumed by millions, there are fears in offices across the country that their own viewing experience will be irreparably damaged by exposure to second-hand spoilers. House of Cards fan Simon Williams told us, âSheila in accounts watched the first episode of the new series sat at her desk during her lunch break yesterday and literally screamed and dropped her cup of soup. Literally.â âShe looked at us with her mouth open and just mouthed âOh. My. Godâ.â âTo be honest, I am more terrified of a colleague telling me what happens in House of Cards than I ever was of getting cancer from a colleagueâs second-hand smoke.â âYou know what, I would willingly accept smoking back in the office if they would enforce a blanket ban all discussions on House of Cards.â We asked a number of Williamsâ co-workers for their opinion on the subject of House of Cards only to be met with closed eyes, fingers placed inside ears and loud shouts of âLA LA LA LA LA!â. Finally Sheila from accounts admitted she was just dying to talk to someone about it. She told us, âOh thank God, you mean I can talk to you about what Iâve just seen without being threatened with violence or the sack?â She went on, âWell, what did you think when she wâ¦gmgmmgggggfffg,â before being buried under an avalanche of nearby cubicle workers who then threw her out of a fire escape. | 1 | satire |
3,359 | Heroin addicts regret recreational use of Blur back catalogue
Rueful heroin addict Simon Williams, 46, has described his past use of Blurâs music as âpart of me growing upâ. The wasted former IT worker said he did not âtotally see it as a mistakeâ and that he had initially looked upon the band as âvery creative.â âYou have to understand the times,â Williams told us. âBritpop in 1995 was regarded as something harmless, positive even.â âOne day I came home to find a copy of Park Life on the coffee table. People were passing it around and having a listen. I was as curious as anybody else.â âIt started with just a few brief plays on my friendâs turntable, but it wasnât long before I found myself humming along.â âWhat started out as sympathetic humming, swiftly escalated into the tapping of my feet and an urge to move my body rhythmically.â âPretty soon I was listening to other Britpop acts like Pulp and even â God help me â Menswear.â âWhen Blur released their follow up, âThe Great Escapeâ, I was down to my last tenner. Iâd become withdrawn and spent most days hiding behind my fringe.â âPretty soon I was injecting Albarn directly into my cock. Thatâs when I realised I had a problem.â âThe hardest part is knowing that I got many of my friends hooked on Blur, either by CD or file-sharing. Some of them didnât make it.â Last night, Williams remained philosophical about his former life. âEven during the worst of my excesses, I was clear-sighted enough to recognise Think Tank as a crock of shit.â | 1 | satire |
3,360 | Nuts magazine calls for Miley and Sinead to settle differences in jelly wrestling bout
Lads mag Nuts has called for Miley Cyrus and Sinead OâConnor to settle their feminist differences like real women, in an inflatable ring full of jelly. As the row between the two pop stars continues, experts on the Nuts editorial board claimed the only way to really know whose approach to feminism is correct is to let them fight it out. Editor Dominic Smith explained, âJust because they have different opinions on what it means to be a true feminist in the modern music industry, doesnât mean they canât settle it in a best of three bout in a pool of cold lubricant.â âBikinis are optional and weâd finally find out who is right when it comes to empowering women in a male dominated industry.â âThey would grapple in rounds of two minutes to determine which of them is advocating the correct approach in trying to give women more power in music.â âOn the one hand Sinead makes some excellent points about exploitation of the young and impressionable, but on the other hand Miley licked a sledgehammer and rode a wrecking ball when naked. Â So itâs a tough call.â âFeminism is an important subject thatâs very close to the hearts of our readers, and as such we could give plenty of coverage to such a coming together.â âYes, of course we would live stream it.â | 1 | satire |
3,361 | BBC announces plans for gritty drama about new food crime unit
The BBC has announced plans for a show based on a maverick former chef who leads rag-tag group of food experts in search of the nationâs most notorious food abusers. The show is provisionally entitled âKitchenâs Angelsâ will follow former chef Dave Kitchen as he investigates food crime in the north of England. BBC commissioning editor Simon Williams spoke of his excitement at the new project. âFood crime is a massive area for drama to explore. Â Sure, we would have liked to commission a series about a group that investigate corrupt bankers and politicians â but the government thought a food crime unit was more important.â âItâs a project that combines those things that britain loves most, an alcoholic overweight underdog, and eating really terrible food.â âIâve seen the pilot script, and all I can say is that youâll never look at a chip shop pie in the same way again.â âIt will make you laugh, it will make you cry, but most of all it will make a food crime unit seem like a real thing.â Entertainment reporters have welcomed the new show, claiming that drama that so accurately reflects real-life can only be a good thing for television. Television reviewer Rob Weldon told us, âWe donât have enough shows about loner mavericks who fight the system and are actually really good at their job.â âSo it will be nice to see another character so bound down by bureaucracy, red tape, and inconsequential political priorities that itâs almost impossible for them to get anything done.â âIt sounds so real, I canât wait.â | 1 | satire |
3,362 | BBC to trial Jeremy Clarkson âmuteâ button
After Jeremy Clarksonâs latest misdemeanour found him embroiled in allegations of racism, the BBC is set to trial a mute button designed to silence the controversial presenter during his broadcasts. The Top Gear host, who was filmed reciting a racist childrenâs counting rhyme which ends with a racial epithet, has argued his attempts to mumble the offensive word when trying to out-count his IQ were sufficient to absolve him of suggestions of racism. A spokesman for the corporation, who wished to remain nameless, claimed senior management were prepared to launch the âClarkson muteâ function from a brand new digital menu. Speaking last night our BBC source told us, âOf course he is unhappy at the news, he went so far as to call us âpopulist bastardsâ.â âBut as we made sure to mumble when we told him of our intentions, it canât be true can it?â âIn any event, we are certain that viewers will welcome the BBC lavishing millions of pounds on silencing a broadcaster to whom we pay millions of pounds just to be heard.â âThe âClarkson muteâ button should be ready for launch for the Autumn schedule.â The spokesman suggested the feature could be the first of several new functions geared to enhance the viewing experience of licence fee payers. âCome election time in 2015, we will add an additional button to expunge UKIP Leader, Nigel Farage, allowing viewers to not only silence, but completely remove him from all news and current affairs coverage.â âThe âFarage Mirageâ will complete in December 2015.â | 1 | satire |
3,363 | Adam Sandler cheetah attack film voted his funniest work
Footage showing a cheetah attacking Hollywood star Adam Sandler whilst on safari in Africa, has been voted his funniest work. The incident, which occurred when he was invited to go into an enclosure with a range of rescued animals, was hailed by film experts as the best thing heâs done in years. Film fan, Michael Hay, recalled the moment when the cheetah lunged at the American with unremitting fondness. âI couldnât stop smiling when I first saw it, it looked so real.â âI was still pretty sure it was just a trailer showing the best bit of two-hour film in which he played a female version of himself on safari,â he told us. âBut when I saw it was genuine life-endangering incident, I almost split my sides. Itâs the first time Iâve genuinely laughed out loud at Adam Sandler film.â âIt was so much funnier than âGrown-ups 1 & 2â².â Hay said he was looking forward with excitement to the sequel, hoping it contained more blood and guts. âThey say never go back, but in this instance I disagree.â âOf course they could change the lead for a couple of co-stars to make it even more entertaining.â âYeah, a couple of crocodiles should do the trick.â | 1 | satire |
3,364 | Courageous Fast and Furious 7 producers to bravely profit from next film
The courageous producers of Fast & Furious 7 have said they will not let the tragic death of star Paul Walker stand in the way of their brave attempts to turn a profit. As studio executives paid tribute to Paul Walker, they insisted that continuing to promote the movie across all markets in an attempt to reinvigorate the franchise is exactly what he would have wanted. Producer Larry Goldberg told us, âWe want all fans of Paul Walker to pay tribute to his incredibly legacy by buying a ticket to see the new Fast and Furious movie when it arrives in a theatre near you.â âHere at the studio we are all broken up about the loss of our dear friend who could sell tickets just by smiling on the movie poster.â âSure, we could have done without the symbolism around the way he died, but you have to admit pretty much everyone knows that Fast and Furious 7 is almost in the can.â Fans of the Fast and Furious movies have expressed their deepest gratitude to studio executives for letting them continue to spend money watching fast cars and stunts. Goldberg went on, âOf course, itâs our pleasure, and if emptying their wallets on DVDs and other branded products is what helps them in their grieving process, then so be it.â âWhatâs important now is that we move on in a way that Paul would have wanted, and he would never have wanted to disappoint the shareholders.â âPaul Walker will be incredibly difficult to replace, but if you happen to be a very attractive blonde man then we strongly recommend you get your people to talk to our people.â | 1 | satire |
3,365 | Dappyâs horse to release Greatest Hits album
The horse which kicked singer Dappy in the head is to release a Greatest Hits compilation after fans said it was the best thing to happen to British music in years. Music fans have insisted that the horse has provided just what the music industry has been lacking in recent years, and with a touring show that saw it repeatedly kick B-list celebrity musicians in the face it would sell out arenas by the dozen. Music fan Simon Williams told us, âI havenât bought an album in nearly five years, but Iâd happily pay to see the kick to Dappyâs nose over and over again.â âIn fact, Iâd happily pay fifty quid for a ticket to watch a horse repeatedly trample over any member of N-Dubz.â âPeople might think this horse would be nothing but a one-hit wonder, but I disagree.â âMaybe it could release a new compilation of vicious assaults each year? I imagine that by 2015 Iâd be about ready to watch it kick One Direction in their combined throats.â âThey good news is that one thing the British music scene isnât short of, is people youâd happily see attacked by a horse.â Animal rights activists have said the horse in question must have suffered immense trauma to lash out at its owner in such a way. As one such activist with several years of equine experience told us, âHorses are generally very gentle creatures.â âBut they do have ears, and in that respect they are much like humans in that listening to Dappy for any prolonged period of time is likely to be a deeply unpleasant experience.â âWe can only assume that the poor creature was exposed to one too many âNa na naaaaâs and silly hats and finally snapped.â âSo yes, Iâd buy its album.â | 1 | satire |
3,366 | Justin Bieber to present Top Gear
Fallen teen idol Justin Bieber is set to replace Jeremy Clarkson as lead-racist on a programme about cars. Bieber is the hot favourite to step into Clarksonâs shoes after video footage showed the singer using the n-word in an upfront, non-nursery rhyme context. The shock revelation comes after a difficult year for the singer who has struggled to balance the twin pressures of fame and âbeing a twatâ. Bieberâs new role should prove an instant smash for the 19 year-old, whose experience of automobiles extends to being driven around in the back of a limo. The BBC, meanwhile, hopes to expand the core audience of its flagship car programme to include white supremacists and people not yet able to drive. TV chiefs have confirmed their willingness to hire a âcontroversialâ frontman who is younger than Clarkson and slightly less irritating than Richard Hammond The BBCâs Head of Car Programming, Andy Stevens, said, âJustin has performed well in rehearsals, casually referring to a Toyota as ânothing more than souped-up rice shuttleâ.â The post-adolescent pop maestro also plans a revamped version of Top Gearâs âPower Lapsâ feature, in which celebrities will aim for the fastest lap time while under the influence of marijuana. However, Bieber faces a backlash from Beliebers who were offended by the racist joke. Bieber fan, Simon Williams, who was present at the racist joke unveiling, said, âAs a non-PC Top Gear fan, Iâm fine with a little under-the-radar-racism.â âWhat I do object to is being made to wait over three hours for him to deliver the punchline.â | 1 | satire |
3,367 | Washington Monument Announces $20 Million Visitorsâ Center
The National Park Service announced plans today for a new visitorsâ center at the Washington Monument. In a press conference this morning, officials unveiled the final design for the long-delayed project. The new addition -- in the shape of two large spheres attached to the monument's base -- hopes to increase revenue generation from the historic site. The structure will house exhibits on President George Washingtonâs life, a security screening area, and a gift shop. It will cost an estimated $20 million to build and is expected to be completed in 2019. âThe idea for a visitors center has been floated around for several years,â says Park Service spokesperson Chuck Wilson. âWith thousands of tourists a year, it has become necessary for us to add additional amenities to the site. âFor years we were stuck on the design. We met with hundreds of different architects. But when a local firm proposed this gorgeous dual-sphere structure, we knew immediately we had to build it. It blends perfectly with the surroundings.â The Washington Monument was completed in 1884 after 36 years of construction. The 555-foot obelisk was briefly the tallest building in the world, before being overtaken by the Eiffel Tower five years later. The original design called for a large circular colonnade to cover the lower reaches of the tower, but the Civil War and budgetary constraints forced those plans to be scaled back. The resulting stiff, spartan structure has often been cited as an example of phallic architecture. âThe Washington Monument Visitorsâ Center will be the first major project in the capital region to be certified LEED platinum,â explains Wilson. âThis means it will follow the strictest of environmental building standards in the world.â Some local Washington residents, however, are more concerned about the projectâs aesthetics than its environmental impact. Specifically, many believe the new spheres will enhance the monumentâs notoriously erect reputation. âI know this sounds kinda crazy. But with this new addition, doesn't the Washington Monument kinda look like a penis and balls?â says John Anderson, a lawyer who takes his morning jog along the National Mall. âAm I the only one noticing this? I donât want to seem like a pervert or anything. But I feel like I shouldnât be the only one noticing this.â | 1 | satire |
3,368 | Solange Knowles to take on Floyd Mayweather
Beyonceâs sister Solange has been offered a lucrative unification fight against undefeated Floyd Mayweather following her impressive debut against Jay Z. Solange Knowles is a relative newcomer to the fight game, but video clips of her first bout with rapper Jay Z have left fight fans around the world keen to see her in a primetime bout. Boxing fan Simon Williams told us, âIâve only seen the brief highlights, but sheâs got the desire, definitely. I really believed she wanted to rip Jay Zâs head off in that clip.â âJay Z is bigger than her, stronger than her â and he has a bouncer â yet she still went at him furiously the whole time they were in there.â âI love that in a fighter, never knowing when theyâre beaten. I think sheâd give Mayweather a run for his money, sure.â âThough Iâd have to see generous odds to back her, as Iâm not sure sheâs be allowed to kick shoes in his direction.â Should the bout against Mayweather not go ahead, Solange is not short of offers for her endorsement from fight clubs and boxing gyms around the country. As one gym owner told us, âWeâre always looking to recruit more female members, and sheâs got probably the most famous right-hook in the business right now.â âWeâve got sparring pads with Jay Zâs face on them, so anytime she wants to come down here and show us a few things, weâll be ready.â âAssuming she hasnât killed him by then, obviously.â | 1 | satire |
3,369 | Gaza victims urge Tulisa to âstay strongâ
Victims of indiscriminate shelling in Gaza have offered their unanimous sympathy to the tormented former N Dubz star Tulisa Contostavlos. As families picked the broken bodies of loved ones from the rubble, they were confronted by the all-too-familiar images of their X factor idol being dragged through the courts yet again. Just as Gaza citizens have spent the past weeks being hounded by Israeli tanks, the R&B beauty has spent much of the last year being hounded by the merciless fangs of the British justice system. The N Dubz singer said, âThere was a really low point. I was so low, so far away from where I am now (Croydon), that I felt like I was possessed by someone else,â âPossibly Dappy.â âI was so weak that I didnât have an ounce of strength left in me,â added the 26 year-old tunesmith, who could barely muster enough energy to twat some bloke at a music festival. Meanwhile, the few surviving Gaza residents have had a whip round and have come up with just enough cash to pay Tulisaâs £3020 in legal costs. âI defy anyone to go through what that girl has gone through and come out of it relatively unscathed,â said Akram Si Willyamsi removing a piece of shrapnel from his teeth. âIf I have one message for Tulisa it is âstay strongâ,â added Willyamsiâs former neighbour Abdul Al Katari as waded through the rubble of what was once his house. âFirst the blow job, then the cocaine sting and now the assault. All of these things were no doubt exacerbated by having a difficult to pronounce surname.â Tulisa responded, âNo one has any idea what itâs like to have the intimate details of your life picked over by Fleet Street vultures.â âThose people in Gaza should get some fucking perspective.â | 1 | satire |
3,370 | Nintendoâs Super Mario comes out as UKIP supporter
After Nintendo confirmed it will not allow gay characters in its life-simulation game Tomodachi Life, Super Mario has declared his allegiance to UKIP. The plumber said his Italian upbringing means he has many far-right sympathies, and he offered his support to his employerâs decision to exclude gay-game-play from the title, despite his familiarity with pipes. âI would strongly urge the British population to vote in favour of UKIP,â he told Gaming publication, INteract. âTheir fears for the well-being of a humanity exposing itself to the ills of sexual relations amongst the same sex is a genuine one, and one only UKIP candidates seem willing to speak about.â âMy employers  made the decision to remove such homosexual behaviour from its latest life-simulation, and as such we consider ourselves UKIP friendly.â âI mean, if we included gay characters, then where do we go next? Animals? Fictional beings given human traits? Itâs abhorrent.â âAnyone who thinks that my allegiance to UKIP is to do with Polish plumbers coming over here and doing a better job than me and for less money than I charge, is definitely wrong.â Gay-gamer, Simon Williams, said the Italianâs stance had ruined what was an otherwise joyous childhood directing the character to comply with his instructions in games such as âSuper Mario Kartâ. âHad I have known then that this man would end up as a UKIP voter, I would most definitely have been more inclined to lean towards âSonic the Hedgehog.â âHeâs Lib-Dem?â âEeeuw â thatâs so disgusting.â | 1 | satire |
3,371 | Putin picks up Oscar for âBest Invasionâ
Russian leader Vladimir Putin has seen off the competition by staging the best military occupation of a sovereign state since the illegal invasion of Iraq. Putin, who was also nominated in the categories of âBest International Crisisâ and âBest War Film Not Yet Madeâ, wowed punters at last nightâs Oscars ceremony by appearing on the red carpet bare-chested, wrestling a 400lb grizzly bear. Steve McQueen, the British director of 12 Years a Slave, paid tribute to the former KGB agent for âhaving the vision to create this breath-taking invasion and the audacity to make it happenâ. âBy flouting international opinion and annexing Crimea and its shitty regional airport in this way without a single shot being fired, Vladimir Putin has shown us all how itâs done,â McQueen told reporters. The award represents a huge achievement for Putin, who normally silences his critics by having them injected with radioactive isotopes of Polonium. The Russian leader missed out on an Oscar five years ago when his invasion of Georgia was universally panned by critics, who claimed it was âdullâ and âwent on far too longâ. âCrimeaâ, however, was staged on a budget of several billion roubles and managed to see off late challenges from the Taliban and child-murdering education-reformists Boko Haram. Fighting back the tears during his acceptance speech, Putin said: âThis award is not about me. Itâs about the five million ethnic Russians who donât want an EU passport and who have never watched Brokeback Mountain on Blu-Ray.â âStick that in your pipe and smoke it Woody Allen.â Putin also received several major plaudits for film doctoring, sound editing, visual pyrotechnics and âbest scene involving a big fuck-off tankâ. Last night Putin celebrated his historic win by locking himself in his room and bingeing on a massive bag of heroin. | 1 | satire |
3,372 | Syrian rebels thank media for Miley Cyrus VMA coverage
Syrian rebels have thanked news organisations around the world for their incredible blanket coverage of Miley Cyrusâ VMA appearance. Cyrus performed at the Video Music Awards alongside Robin Thicke, with many Syrian rebels claiming they would have had no idea such a planet defining event was even happening if major news outlets had not pushed it to the top of their websites. One rebel spoke from behind his gas mask to tell us that, âSome things are too important to let the battle for our childrensâ lives take precedent.â âSure, my next breath could be my last, but you lot probably already know that â how many of you even knew the VMAs existed before yesterday?â âIllegal use of chemical weapons is one thing, but twerking onstage in a pair of skin coloured underwear? This changes everything.â âDo you think she could twerk her way to downtown Damascus?â Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said the VMA coverage of Miley Cyrus performing in very little indeed had helped him win further hearts and minds around the world. He told news agencies, âSo many of you made this your lead story, and yet you continue to wonder why we donât want the West and its influence to take over.â âMorons.â | 1 | satire |
3,373 | Miley Cyrus to drown kittens during next performance
Pop singer Miley Cyrus has announced plans to completely submerge a sack of kittens in a large pool of water during her next live performance. The performer, who smoked a joint onstage during her performance at the MTV EMAs in Amsterdam, is said to be struggling to maintain her escalating image as âedgyâ and âshockingâ. Think Mileyâs twerking is lacklustre? Well you can make Miley twerk below in this fun game from RoundGames â you can also play online at: Miley Cyrus The Game\n Cyrusâ publicist and adviser Simon Williams told us, âThereâs only so far you can go by twerking in a nude coloured bikini, or lighting up a joint up on stage.â âIf we want Miley at the top of every news cycle, then now is the time to step it up a notch.â âIf she wants global 24 hours coverage then she probably needs to commit a major terrorist atrocity, which with her access is definitely possible â but weâre probably 6 months away from that point.â âRight now weâre confident a sack of wet, dead kittens thrown into the baying crowd will probably see her next album get to number one across the world.â Though some experts suggest the drowning kittens might be a step too far, they have admitted it is better than her other suggestions which included defecating directly onto the lens of whichever camera is filming her, eating her used tampon, and having sex with a dog. However Cyrus has drawn plaudits for her EMA performance, with many experts claiming she is bringing new meaning to the phrase âthat bitch is crazyâ. Entertainment writer Jermaine Desario explained, âThe clear fusion of outright mental illness and public facing celebrity has never been more vivid than it is with young Miley.â âIn the age of social media her impending implosion will give us unparalleled insight into the mind of young person as she experiences a total mental breakdown in front of us.â âAnd all before sheâs 25. Mark my words.â | 1 | satire |
3,374 | Police claim Cliff Richard search unearthed horrific ânew materialâ
A police search of Cliff Richardâs home has unearthed a host of horrific new album tracks, according to sources close to the case. The pop iconâs home was searched last week as part of an investigation into historic sex abuse, but no-one was prepared for what was eventually found. An officer on the case told our source, âIt would absolutely turn your stomach, the stuff we saw and heard.â âWorking on Operation Yewtree weâve been exposed to some pretty disturbing things, but this was on a different level.â âHeâs got at least three Christmas albums worth in there. I havenât slept since I heard the first of them. This job has got PTSD written all over it.â Experts have said that police will find it difficult to prosecute on the basis of unreleased material, despite strong public support for doing so. Consumer Simon Williams told us, âI consider myself fairly liberal but Iâd gladly bring back hanging for those people who commit murder, fiddle with kids, or release a follow-up to Mistletoe & Wine.â âThere is simply no rehabilitating them.â âI heard a friend of Cliffâs claim he doesnât have a criminal record, but frankly his back catalogue is full of them.â âCliff Richard has a near sixty-year history of God-awful songs â letâs just lock him up and throw away the key.â | 1 | satire |
3,375 | Jon Snow still confident he is âin thereâ with lap dancer
Jon Snow is still weighing up his chances of having sex with an eighteen year old lap dancer whom he interviewed for Channel 4 News. Snow met pretty Kimberley Egerton in the West Endâs Spearmint Rhino branch where he was doing a feature on exploitation in the workplace. While posing with his camera crew the newsreaderâs attention was caught by lithe-limbed Egerton who was performing contortions around a thick metal pole. âAs our eyes met I felt a surge of energy,â said Snow, âAlthough I canât rule out static from the couch I was sat on.â âKimberley seemed really interested in the work I do and put me at ease straight away. She told me she was only lap dancing to fund her degree course. So not your average trollop.â âWhat seemed really significant is how Kim maintained eye contact throughout the five-minute dance and on several occasions leaned in really close so I could feel her breath on my cheek.â âThere was a real intimacy there which remained undiminished despite the cat-calls from the rest of the news crew.â Unfortunately for Snow, his enjoyment was curtailed by bouncers who found him in breach of house rules after his cheek accidentally grazed Ms Egertonâs left nipple. âAs several blows rained down on me, Kim showed real concern for my plight â even asking me if I was alright before pressured to dance by another punter.â âThere was a real deep connection there, almost spiritual you might say â one which I felt had nothing to do with my highly paid job in television.â Snow added, âI canât wait to invite her back on the programme to show her this tattoo Iâve had done with her name on it.â âActually I hope to Christ thatâs her real name because Iâm going to look like a right twat if it isnât.â | 1 | satire |
3,376 | Orville to break historic links with Keith Harris
Shit eighties puppet Orville The Duck is to renegotiate his historic relationship with has-been ventriloquist Keith Harris, according to reports. In a speech on Tuesday, Orville will call for a new system of ventriloquism which is âopen, transparent and trustedâ and does not rely on the viewer being easily distracted. Orville has faced open criticism from those within the entertainment industry who accuse him of being nothing more than a mouthpiece for Harrisâ poor jokes. âWhat we saw back then is part of the death throes of the old ventriloquismâ, Orville said. âKeith with his hand up my arse calling all the shots. It is a symbol of all that is wrong with ventriloquism.â âEvery time I talk you can see Keithâs fucking gob flapping away â that has got to stop.â âWe need to move away from the closed shop system of âone puppet one ventriloquistâ as exemplified by Ray Allen and Lord Charles or Bob Carol-Gees and Spit The Dog.â Orville fan Simon Williams said, âIn fairness to Keith, he did try to break out of the mould by introducing Cuddles the Monkey, but unfortunately the entire act was a steaming pile of wank which struggled with the letter B.â Harris, meanwhile, has advised Orville against severing his links completely, insisting it may not be possible for him to sit upright without assistance. Harris said, âA Top Ten hit, the Prestatyn branch of Pontins sold out for two consecutive nights â none of this would have been possible without me.â âAt least Iâm not a paedo,â he added. âAnd letâs face it â I had plenty of opportunities.â | 1 | satire |
3,377 | Coldplayâs Chris Martin has massive steak for breakfast
Chris Martin has eaten almost two pounds of extremely rare steak for breakfast this morning, according to reports close to the Coldplay frontman. Just hours after the news of his split from staunch vegan Gwyneth Paltrow, Martin told close friends that heâd forgotten the pleasures of a plate of delicious meat cooked âjust the way I used to have itâ. Friends of the singer said that although the split had hit him hard, a full stomach for the first time in eleven years had made the process much easier. âDear God this is delicious,â Martin told reporters who found him at an Argentinian steak house which had opened early at his specific request. âIf we arenât supposed to eat animals, then in hell why did God make them so bloody delicious?â he continued. âLook, Iâm sad about a Gwyneth and that, but at the same time Iâm excited about the bright future I have full of steaks, burgers and kebabs.â âOh God, barbecues â I can have barbecues again!â Martin is said to have rented a small apartment directly across from a kebab shop and KFC, ensuring cooking smells will reach his bedroom on a daily basis. He has also invested in a Playstation 4 and has been ringing round former male friends to see if they fancy a âboys night outâ. âI havenât seen him since that picnic he hosted where we couldnât eat chicken drumsticks in sight of his kids.â âBut heâs had this t-shirt made up, itâs says âIâm fun again, honestâ.â âFingers crossed itâs not a lie.â | 1 | satire |
3,378 | Russia Bans U.S. Food Imports, Obesity Plummets
Russia has seen a massive drop in obesity rates and related diseases since it banned food imports from the United States and Europe. Moscow has halted imports of sodas, candy, junk food and other processed food from the West in retaliation for economic sanctions on its oil and banking sectors. The sudden unavailability of processed Western foods â notorious for unhealthy amounts of trans-fats, salt, sugars, artificial flavors, and high-fructose corn syrup â has created an unexpected health and fitness boom as Russians turn to more nutritious foods. âI thought Iâd starve when the supermarket stopped selling cheap American microwave dinners and candy bars,â said Maxim Ves, a 380-pound Moscow resident at a farmerâs market as he ate a salad and a low-calorie prosciutto, avocado, and olive sandwich made with 100-percent whole-grain bread. âWho knew fresh, healthy food was so good? Yet I only eat it when Iâm hungry, not just because. Itâs like a curse has been lifted. âAnd walking to market every day has been great: Iâve lost 10 pounds!â Na Zdorovya!nObesity has become a major health problem in Russia since the fall of the Soviet Union, especially since Western fast-food chains have rushed to open local franchises. But since cheap, fattening processed foods have become difficult to obtain due to the ban, Russians have started eating healthier local meals. Outside Moscowâs first McDonaldâs on Pushkin Square, protesters have demanded it be shut down and replaced with an organic food market. Twenty-four hour gyms across the country have seen a surge in new members, with 99.9 percent keeping their membership instead of quitting after a month. The ban has even affected Russiansâ legendary fondness for alcohol and cigarettes, as liquor and tobacco shops across the country have set up fruit juice and smoothie bars to meet the sudden demand. âWho needs vodka and cigarettes when you have ginger tea and carrot sticks?â said Zhaloba Portnoy, a 75-year-old babushka whoâs lost 25 pounds and has taken up yoga and kickboxing. âI feel 40 years younger!â Moscowâs Gorky Park is unusually crowded with joggers and bicyclists who shared the park with outdoor tai chi, karate and yoga classes. âAfter work Iâd eat frozen pizza or fast food for dinner, and Iâd just have enough energy to watch TV or play video games before going to bed. I didnât even have enough energy to jack off,â said jogger Vitaly Sushchnost, who was training for a marathon. âNow Iâm lifting weights, exercising and eating great. Iâm free from crap food and its instant gratification.â Meanwhile, Moscowâs notoriously gridlocked roads have seen a drop in traffic as newly active, healthy residents have taken to walking and bicycling instead. The Russian health ministry reports a massive drop in national rates of diabetes, obesity, heart disease, cancer, and strokes. At current trends, Russiansâ average life expectancy will exceed the United States and other European countries within 5 years. In response, American junk food companies including General Mills, Hostess, Coca-Cola, PepsiCo and Kelloggâs are pressuring the U.S. government to demand Russia end the ban. âVladimir Putin must be stopped,â food industry lobbyist Nick Naylor said. âHe has surpassed Michelle Obama as the greatest threat to freedom and American values worldwide.â | 1 | satire |
3,379 | X Factor winner to be given obscurity counselling
ITV executives have confirmed that this yearâs X Factor winner will be given obscurity counselling to help them deal with the intense pressures of anonymity. The producers have taken this unusual step after a survey revealed that 80% of the population couldnât name last yearâs winner. After the final show, the victorious contestant will be whisked away to a secret location where they will be taught how to cope with the perils that go hand in hand with the X Factor crown. The innovative therapy includes being ignored by an entire room of people and sitting next to a phone that refuses to ring. There will also be vocational training in shelf-stacking and minicab driving. Immediately following the announcement, Internet users accused the producers of coming up with yet another gimmick to halt falling ratings. However, an ITV spokesman was quick to defend the plan, saying, âEven though we prostitute and manipulate every contestant for our own profit, we still have a duty of care to them.â âIn the past, people like whatshisnameâ¦you know, the tall one, could be relied on to fade away quietly.â âUnfortunately, this year the voting is so erratic that thereâs every chance Hannah could win it.â âThat girl needs the attention so badly sheâs going to self-harm the first time a nightclub doorman doesnât recognise her.â âEven we canât make that look good.â | 1 | satire |
3,380 | Robin Thicke knows he wants it, confirms Robin Thicke
Following an epic PR fail on Twitter this week with the hashtag #AskThicke, Robin Thicke was quick to point out that he probably wanted it to fail, and if he thought otherwise, he was probably wrong. âI told VH1 that I didnât want to do a Twitter Q&A session,â said Robin Thicke, âfor the obvious reason that lots of people hate me and think Iâm a misogynistic sleazy twat, which I am.â âThey took my refusal to do it as explicit consent to do it, and did it, because they knew I wanted it.â âWe knew he wanted it,â said VH1âs PR Manager. âWe said âhey hey heyâ and âyouâre a good girlâ, to warm him up, then spiked his coffee with Rohipnol.â âBy the time he woke up weâd already done it. Weâre confident thatâs what he wanted.â âItâs not what I wanted,â said Robin Thicke. âSo I totally support them in doing it anyway, because I always wanted to be a good girl, so I kinda deserve it.â Asked why VH1 would do something so obviously against someone elseâs wishes, VH1 answered, âTalk about getting blasted. PR campaigns sometimes cause blurred lines, and we hate that.â âBut in certain circumstances you just have to ignore a personâs clear and explicit instructions not to do something obscene that will hurt them.â Robin declined to answer any further questions, so we took that as permission to ask him more questions. His answer to our last question was âNoâ, so we took that as a âYesâ and punched him in the face anyway. | 1 | satire |
3,381 | Modelling world celebrates as Kate Mossâ nose turns 20
Supermodel Kate Moss is celebrating today as her nose reaches the grand old age of 20. The nose, which has been resident in the middle of her face for a large portion of her career, is said to be delighted at reaching the milestone, especially when considering some of the things itâs gone through over the years. A spokesperson for the nose said, âObviously weâre happy to have reached 20, but the nose is just happy to help Kate in any way it can, and hopes to be part of her face for years to come.â âSure, there have been some tough times â and the nose has been left battered and bruised a few times, but there have also been some amazing highs.â âSome incredible, class A, extremely chatty highs.â Modelling industry veterans have been left astounded by the longevity of Mossâ nose, saying itâs a testament to its versatility that it has managed to stay around for so long. As one expert in pouting explained, âThe life of a supermodelâs nose is normally one of looking pretty for the cameras for a few years â but this one has seen a life fraught with danger at every turn.â âTo see this nose still going strong at 20 years of age is simply unheard of in the modelling industry.â âIt must be incredibly resilient to still be going as it enters its twenties. Kateâs original nose didnât last very long at all. Maybe this nose has had some work done, who knows?â âTo think, we could be here in twenty years time talking about a supermodelâs forty year-old nose. Imagine that?!â âI would imagine that People will be suggesting to Kate that she trade the nose in to keep her image âfreshâ, but I think she might have to keep this one just because of what it knows. Imagine the book it could write!â | 1 | satire |
3,382 | People you donât recognise enter house you donât care about
A range of people you wouldnât know if you passed them on the street are going to live in a house you couldnât give a toss about, all for your entertainment, it emerged this morning. The latest series of Celebrity Big Brother has begun by redefining âcelebrityâ to include a range of inanimate objects used in everyday life. A Channel 5 spokesperson said the âCelebrityâ moniker for the show was very much aspirational, and no legal claim was being made as to the social status of the participants. âSo you canât complain, about any of it,â they clarified. Viewer Simon Williams told us, âAccording to Channel 5, this 1 litre capacity tupperware box that I use every day for my lunch, is actually a âCelebrityâ.â âItâs not been forthcoming with the autographs though.â âThough it is more recognisable than most of the people in the house itself.â Contestants this year include that woman who was in that thing, and that guy you saw once doing that stuff on television late at night when you got home from the pub. Williams went on, âThey should really just add âWannabeâ in front of the word Celebrity â it would be much more accurate.â âThe irony is, theyâre scraping the bottom of the barrel so hard these days, the people in the celebrity version are less well-known now than the actual Big Brother contestants themselves.â âWhich to be clear, is not very well-known â at all.â | 1 | satire |
3,383 | Farage âturned downâ Doctor Who role over requirement to be nice to aliens
UKIP leader Nigel Farage allegedly turned down the chance to succeed Matt Smith as the latest incarnation of the Doctor, after insisting his version of the Doctor would adopt a zero tolerance attitude to aliens. Actor and âSweariest Scotâ runner up Peter Capaldi ultimately landed the much coveted role, however reports suggest that he was not the showâs first choice. The BBC were said to be attracted to Farageâs love of tweed, a long-term staple of the Doctorâs wardrobe, as well as his dislike of aliens and those from faraway shores. One producer commented, âIf foreigners from his own planet can rile him to the extent that they do, then imagine what a Space Pig would do to him? It would be electric onscreen. He would have been perfect!â However, Farage was initially sceptical about the showâs concept, arguing that EU flight taxes would strongly inhibit the Tardisâ flying capabilities. He also commented during one audition that, âthere are no villains more heinous than the monsters running the EU megastate and their gelatinous immigrant drones.â There were further complications when the UKIP leader expressed a desire to have a leading creative input. He is said to have suggested his own plotline in which the Doctor simply takes the Tardis to 1933 and destroys it forever. âIt would be a fast-track to UKIPâs Britain,â he commented. When the showâs producers revealed he would be expected to travel to distant galaxies, his demands proved too much for BBC executives. Pubs serving real ale, his favourite brand of cigarettes, Radio 4 and transportation via steam train were just some on a long-list. The show was then forced to look elsewhere for their star, which according to executives is a shame, as they had been excited about the prospect of making Angela Merkel a convincing nemesis. | 1 | satire |
3,384 | Spanish bull community calls for end to barbaric goring of matadors
After three more matadors were gorged by rampaging bulls during Spainâs traditional entertainment spectacle, bulls everywhere have called for an end to the barbaric pastime. The prestigious San Isidro festival had to be cancelled after they ran out of matadors, leaving many bulls to question how long this senseless sport enjoyed by a minority of bulls will be allowed to continue. A spokesperson for the bull community told us, âAs mammals capable of empathy we can see how needlessly cruel this sport is to the matadors.â âThey go in there against us massive beasts with nothing but a red cape. Is it no surprise that they are being gorged left right and centre?â âAnd people pay good money to see this happen. Itâs absolutely horrific.â âWe have collected over ten thousand hoof prints on our petition in the hope we can see this so-called sport banned, and return these matadors to the safety of their own homes, where the prospect of a gorging is not longer hanging over their heads.â âWe know there are a loud minority of bulls that really enjoy this kind of thing, but we think theyâre sick! How can you possibly enjoy sticking your horns in the fleshy parts of a human. Itâs simply barbaric.â The bull spokesperson went on, âDo you think the matadors know theyâre going to be gorged? Of course they donât.â âWhy would they get in there with a bull if they thought it was going to happen.â âThe matadors have to be enticed in there, did you know that? They donât go in freely. Organisers use this âcashâ stuff to tempt them to face the bull.â âAll the more reason to ban it if you ask us.â | 1 | satire |
3,385 | Operation Yewtree detectives keen to interview Michael Jackson hologram
Detectives running Operation Yewtree into allegations of historical sexual abuse are keen to interview the Michael Jackson hologram that appeared at the Billboard music awards in the US this weekend. The hologram was seen onstage for several minutes during the awards, but has so far refused to appear for questioning â though officers remain hopeful of getting time in front of him soon. A spokesperson for Operate Yewtree told reporters, âAt this stage we will only confirm that Mr Jacksonâs hologram could help us with our enquiries.â âThere is no direct suggestion of wrongdoing on the part of the Jacksonâs hologram, and therefore any inference you make is your own.â Upon being told that the hologram was merely a light-based fabrication made using technology, and not actually a real person, detectives pulled out a photograph of the hologram performing at the billboard music awards before asking, âexplain that then!â âWe have witnesses who claim someone matching the hologramâs description could be involved in historic incidents of abuse, and as such we would like to investigate further.â âWe donât want to make arrests at this stage, but we will be forced to do so if the hologram remains uncooperative.â A spokesperson for the Billboard awards said that no-one had seen the hologram since the performance ended. They told us, âNo, the Jackson hologram just disappeared as soon as the song was finished.â âIt was kinda suspicious now you mention it, they didnât even want a dressing room. God knows where itâs hiding at the moment.â âThen again this is Las Vegas, it could be doing anything. with or âtoâ anyone.â âAll perfectly consensual. Obviously.â | 1 | satire |
3,386 | Women aroused by 50 Shades of Grey trailer urged to try adult websites
Women left breathless by the trailer for the forthcoming film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey have been pointed in the direction of the nearest adult website for an early erotic fix. The first teaser trailer for the film was released yesterday, to find itself shared by any woman who has ever read the book, along with comments such as âphwoarâ and âi cant wait!!!!â. The excitement has left many men bemused, and failing to grasp why they are so excited about a film that will likely have less shagging in it than Basic Instinct. Man Simon Williams told us, âI sort of got it when they said the book left a lot to their imagination, and how that was far sexier than actually seeing it â but this is a film, so there isnât a whole lot of imagination involved.â âPlus, if you really want to watch two people shagging in HD Iâve got plenty of URLs I could share with you. Well, if you donât mind annoying chat windows and poker adverts that is.â âI mean, why would I pay £20 for two tickets to watch some actors faking it, when I can watch two people doing it for real, for free online?â âPlus you canât masturbate in a cinema â well, not a second time.â Other men have also been left baffled by the desire to consume fap-fodder whilst paying £8 for popcorn. Mike Jokes explained, âItâs pretty hard to get sexually aroused in a room full of strangers when youâve paid for a coke that costs more per volume than petrol.â âOh, itâll mostly be women?â âIâm in.â | 1 | satire |
3,387 | Spanish population slowly returning to Spain after visit from Jeremy Clarkson
The people of Spain are slowly returning to their country this morning, after fleeing to avoid a visit by Jeremy Clarkson. With high unemployment, recession and crippling debts to contend with, a visit by the team from Top Gear was the last thing that Spain needed. âWe didnât have the resources to contain him, so we sent out the signal to âabandon country'â, explained President Mariano Rajoy. âSometimes its better to realise youâre in a fight you canât win.â With airports, motorways and whole cities left boarded-up and abandoned, Clarkson was disappointed to find little left for him to be racist at. âI enjoy visiting Spain in a car that costs half their GDPâ, explained Clarkson. âThereâs nothing more satisfying than being better off than some foreigner.â But after 2 hours of searching for someone who looked a bit âswarthy and lazyâ, the team gave up, and did some burn-outs and donuts. Rajoy single-handedly looked after Spain while Top Gear was there, and spoke of his dread as he saw them approach. âThere was this deafening roar as they emerged through the heat hazeâ, said Rajoy. âA strong smell of petrol and a convoy of support Land Rovers. The noise was too much, it was driving me insane. But then he stopped for a moment to breathe in.â Rajoy explained how he hid behind a rock to avoid being patronised, and watched as Clarkson and May dressed the small one up as a donkey. âThey dragged him up a church tower and threatened to shove him offâ, said Rosa. âYou could tell he was scared, because he agreed that Porsches are necessary. Then the other two laughed and set fire to a sombrero.â Eventually, the trio got bored and drifted off through Portugal, allowing the Spanish to return to their country. âIt was tough time, but you have to look on the positivesâ, said Rajoy. âThe economy is in much better shape now, thanks to how much those idiots spent on petrol.â | 1 | satire |
3,388 | Google receives 12,000 requests to âforgetâ Katie Hopkins
Google has announced that since it opened up requests to allow people to be âforgottenâ by the search engine, 12,000 requests have asked them to forget professional television harridan Katie Hopkins. The âforget meâ form from Google is designed to help unfortunate incidents leave the public consciousness forever, with thousands asking for help in forgetting Katie Hopkins ever existed. Google user Charlotte Williams told us, âI do like the idea of Google having no idea who that woman is any more, but if they could go a bit further and create some sort of âbrain soapâ to flush her existence from my mind, then thatâd be great too.â âSince I have learned who Katie Hopkins is, my life is immeasurably worse. I find myself hearing her opinions at the most inopportune moments, which invariably leaves me horrified.â âIâm sure Google has lots of other priorities, but imagine how much better the world would be â overnight â if nobody knew who Katie Hopkins is, or was?â Google has reacted to the thousands of âforget herâ requests by saying that technically they only remove people who themselves ask to be removed. A spokesperson for the search giant explained, âIâm afraid that this process is designed for people to ask for themselves to be forgotten, but Ms Hopkins keeps sending us emails asking âDo you know who I am?â, and âMake sure you definitely know who I amâ.â âThat said, someone sent us a YouTube clip of a performance of hers on Good Morning, and Iâve got to be honest, Iâm tempted to sneak this one through.â | 1 | satire |
3,389 | Sarah Palin: âConvert Mexicans to Christianityâ
Sarah Palin claimed today that the government should force Mexican immigrants to convert to Christianity. In an interview with Fox News last night, the former Alaskan governor was asked about whether or not America should welcome the estimated 5 million illegal immigrants who will be legalized under President Obamaâs immigration plan. âAmerica should only be for people who believe in Jesus,â she responded. âWhen George Washington and Abraham Lincoln founded this country, they made Christianity our official religion and I donât see any reason to change that now. âThe Italians, Irish, and Germans came to the United States, and we converted them all. So why canât we convert the Mexicans? If Obama is gonna let these folks in, he needs to get them to stop worshipping cactuses and start following the path of Christ.â President Obama announced last month a sweeping plan to let some of the estimated 11 million illegal immigrants remain in the U.S. The largest portion of these immigrants have come from Mexico. Republicans have criticized the plan over concerns it rewards law-breaking. But there is also a deeper concern on the right about how immigration fro Latin America changes the cultural composition of this country. Yet although the United States and its southern neighbor have different languages, demographics, and cultures, they do share a common faith: Most of Mexicoâs 122 million people belong to the Roman Catholic Church, the oldest branch of Christianity. This fact was not lost upon host Sean Hannity, a staunch Catholic himself, who reminded Palin that most Mexicans share Americaâs belief in Jesus. âSean, youâre embarrassing yourself by saying that Mexicans worship Christ,â she responded. âEvery time I see a Mexican praying theyâre saying âHey Zeus!â I hate to break it to you, but Zeus is not a Christian god.â Palin served as Alaskaâs governor from 2006-2009. She was the Republican candidate for vice president in the 2008 elections. | 1 | satire |
3,390 | Murdoch journos in crisis as âmaking things upâ added to ânot-allowedâ list
After the trial against Tulisa Contostavlos collapsed due to lies told in court by a Sun on Sunday reporter, those at the Murdoch-owned paper have been left panicking over what they can put in this weekendâs edition. Judge Alistair McCreath told Southwark Crown Court he thought Sun reports and prosecution witness Mazher Mahmood had lied in giving evidence, prompting the response of âYeah, and?â An insider at The Sun told reporters, âIâm not sure where this leaves us to be honest. We canât hack phones, we canât make things up â what else are we supposed to put on our many brightly-coloured pages?â âI suppose we could try reporting some actual news, but do you know how much work that actually involves?â âRight now I can sit here and crack out 500 words on any given celebrity with nothing more than a cup of coffee and my imagination. Easy as you like.â âIf what weâre being told is that newspapers must only report so-called âfactsâ and âthe truthâ, then frankly weâre screwed.â âWe might as well turn the Sun on Sunday into an A4 flyer that just lists the people who work here.â | 1 | satire |
3,391 | Nation hits out at Katie Hopkinsâ âthoughtlessâ respiratory system
The nation has hit out at the respiratory system of social commentator Katie Hopkins for continuing to give her the ability to spout her abhorrent opinions. The news comes after Hopkins took to Twitter to renounce the passing of Peaches Geldof and the publicâs reaction to her death, claiming a working class mother who succumbed to drug abuse would receive criticism rather than sympathy. Social media fan, Sheila Mount, said that itâs almost as if her lungs donât even care that they are contributing to making society a little bit worse every time they push air past her vocal chords. She explained to reporters, âAt best her respiratory system is merely thoughtless, at worst it is as guilty as she is.â âI bet it doesnât lie awake at night wondering why it keeps sucking in the oxygen she needs, does it?â âMaybe itâs spent too long in a symbiotic relationship with a human who thinks the level of sympathy on someoneâs death is based on the social standing of the deceased.â âIâm sure it never started out thinking, âone day, I will provide air to one of the worst human beings on televisionâ â but respiratory systems never do.â âItâs high time her breathing apparatus formed their own judgement based on her upper class origins and packed it in.â A source close to the respiratory system said that it had been trying to free itself from Hopkins for years. They told us, âDo you know what itâs like to hear every single thing that woman says, whatever the time of night or day?â âWell her lungs do. Theyâve been kept captive for as long as they can remember, and forced to support her views despite their own more moderate stance on most things.â âThey havenât given up hope that one day they might find themselves inside someone who doesnât make Boko Haram look like Help the Aged.â | 1 | satire |
3,392 | Daniel Radcliffe willing to get off with Emma Watson if JK Rowling fancies a re-write
Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe has admitted that he would be willing to endure a love scene with Emma Watson if JK Rowling fancied re-writing the end of the boy wizard series. After Rowling admitted that hero Harry was probably a better fit for Hermione than the ginger one she ended up with, Radcliffe said he couldnât agree more. An eager Radcliffe told reporters, âItâs all about the artistic integrity of the story, and ensuring that the real Harry Potter fans get what they need to be truly fulfilled when completing the movie series.â âIf that requires me to find a few days in my extremely busy schedule and spend them frolicking in the nude with Emma Watson, then I will do it. I am an artist, and a professional.â âIâm just saying that after 8 films we could probably add in a bit at the end showing Harry and Hermione making a few little Harrys.â âMaybe for the DVD box set?â âThis type of thing is not without precedent, I mean they went and added Hayden Christensen at the end of the Return of the Jedi DVD.â âIâm just saying we should do the same, just with a bit more mood lighting, and lots and lots of takes.â Rupert Grint who plays Ron Weasley in the films admitted he would disappointed to see his character lose Hermione to Harry, but insisted it raised some interesting themes to explore in a new addition to the movie franchise. He told reporters, âI donât know, Iâm just brainstorming here, but maybe something like âHarry Potter After Darkâ in which these young adults are forced to explore their sexuality with spells and toys and lubricant in wizard costumes and to a bass heavy soundtrack?â âI dunno, I havenât really thought about it that much.â âBut look, If you can get Emma then Iâm definitely in.â | 1 | satire |
3,393 | Gary Barlow to hand back blue parking badge
Gary Barlow OBE intends to hand back the blue badge permit which enabled him to park freely in disabled parking bays up and down the country. The lead singer of Take That, whose charity work saw him garner an Order of the British Empire, blamed the BBC for the confusion. A spokesman for the singer, Sheila Mount, said the Mancunian mistakenly believed the badge to have been issued to him by the corporationâs Blue Peter show for his services to its annual fundraiser, Children in Need. âGary is truly devastated at being treated like an entirely normal British citizen subject to its archaic laws,â she stated. âHe viewed his decision not to park in standard parking bays as another act of charity, freeing up spaces for the general public.â âHe always thought it unfair those already on wheels should have the privilege of a spot closest to the entrance of Morrisons, whilst those moving unaided were forced to make good from further away â and he thought Blue Peter were in agreement.â âLikewise, he viewed hiding his financial affairs from HMRC as allowing them more time to dedicate to investigating other, far poorer people.â The prime minister has waded into the debate, saying that maybe Barlow should keep his blue badge â even though heâs breaking the rules by having one â due to all the charity work he does. However disabled driver, Henry Smith, said he would happily speak with Barlow should he wish to seek a replacement permit. âHe can have the permit, heck he can have my Nissan Micra too.â âSo long as he passes on the details of his accountant.â | 1 | satire |
3,394 | People who post Game of Thrones spoilers the new paedophiles
People who spoil your enjoyment of Game of Thrones are worse than kiddy fiddlers, according to Twitter this morning. With another major character killed off in a âsurprise twistâ that was only known about by millions of people who own the books, many fans have lashed out at Twitter users for ruining the story for them. As one Internet user explained, âJesus Christ these people discussing what happened in last nights episode of Game of Thrones are the scum of the earth.â âI swear they take deliberate pleasure in ruining the lives of others, like a sick pervert intent on getting themselves off.â âWhy is it so hard to simply enjoy the show in peace and keep it to yourself? Just because you watched it as it was broadcast last night doesnât make you a better person than me.â However one fan explained, âI watched it last night and I couldnât wait to get on to Twitter to talk about it at all those people who havenât seen it yet.â âGod, it makes me hard just thinking about all the disappointment Iâm causing.â Fan of the show Simon Williams said he has struggled to avoid twitter spoilers this morning, in the hope of watching it like any normal person, when he could find an hour spare to do so. He explained, âThis morning has been a case of treating everyone and everything like a potential paedophile. This must be what itâs like to live as a Daily Mail reader.â âItâs bad enough avoiding the Twitter sickos, but thereâs this one guy who works in IT who reckons he has read all of the books.â âWeâre calling him Hitler.â | 1 | satire |
3,395 | Cliff tells pals âWeâre all going on a summer holidayâ
Cliff Richard aka Harry Webb has surprised close friends by announcing a spontaneous open-ended return trip to Portugal. Bachelor boy Cliff, 87, insists the break is the perfect opportunity to spread the gospel to fishermen who have lost faith in stringent EU quotas. And Mr Richard reckons the next two weeks are the best time to go what with the schools being off and the UK subject to thorough house searches. Cliffâs pals, meanwhile, have suggested the famous line âNo more worries for a week or twoâ may be a bit wide of the fucking mark. Pal, Simon Williams, said: âAlthough temperatures are set to hit forty degrees in the Algarve this week, Cliff is used to spending plenty of time in The Shadows.â Cliff has chosen the beautiful coastal resort of Punta Umbria, which is traditionally a magnet for those with an interest in watersports and small buoys. Police have been eager to speak to the clean-living octogenarian after allegations he starred in a saucy sixties film called The Young Ones. Although Richard denies allegations of impropriety, experts claim he has always possessed an undimmed enthusiasm for âperformingâ. Last night far more important shit was happening elsewhere with lots of people being killed. | 1 | satire |
3,396 | Jay-Z drops hyphen after being repeatedly referred to as âJay hyphen Zeeâ
Rapper Jay-Z has finally put an end to everyone referring to him as âJay Hyphen Zeeâ by removing the hyphen from his name, according to reports today. The rapper was said to be increasingly frustrated by radio DJs and television presenters around the world referring to him as âthe rapper Jay Hyphen Zeeâ before playing his records. Jay Hyphen Z told us, âThe hyphen has been the bane of my existence ever since I became Jay-Z instead of Shawn Carter.â âI wish I could go back to my younger self and tell him that people will keep pronouncing that goddamn hyphen.â âHe would probably think Iâm an idiot for thinking that, but then Iâd tell him that in years to come it will be such a big problem that I will have to release a whole load of PR announcing the removal of the hyphen.â âThen HE will look like the idiot.â Music journalists have spoken at their surprise that the hyphen wasnât supposed to be pronounced. Rolling Stone music journalist Simon Williams told us, âWhat do you mean you donât pronounce it? Itâs right there in his name â it would be rude to ignore it, surely?â âBut I guess if heâs now âJAY Zâ this means he wants us to shout his name all of the time?â âI think heâs going to get pretty tired of that pretty bloody quickly.â | 1 | satire |
3,397 | Noah movie too different to our made up Noah story, claim Christian groups
Hollywood blockbuster Noah is to be edited before release after Christian groups insisted that the made up story about Noahâs ark was different to their made up story about Noahâs ark. With the Noah movie due for release later this month, Christian groups petitioned for changes to be made to ensure that all the made up bits are consistent with their favourite made up bits. Christian Simon Williams told us, âWe are insistent that made up depictions of things that never happened are inline with the fictional versions we think are important.â âYou canât just go around making up things about things that were made up. Itâs essential that the made up bits we read about in our book are the same as the made up bits we see on the big screen.â âAfter all, in 2,000 years itâs possible that people will be pointing to this film as evidence Noah and the flood actually happened, so best we get the history exactly as we want it to appear.â The studio producing the film have said they have done everything in their power to ensure their fictional depiction of a thing that never happened is in line with the Christian groupsâ fictional account of a thing that never happened. Marcus Goldberg explained, âBudgets are an issue, so too many CGI animals were out of the question when the Christian group insisted we show two of absolutely everything.â âNo mention of predators and prey being cooped up in same vicinity of course, that would be a crazy thing for them to worry about.â âStill, a Christianâs money is the same as anyone elses, so as long as they buy a ticket weâll be happy.â | 1 | satire |
3,398 | Comedy fans in mourning as Jim Davidson tragically confirmed alive and well
British comedian Jim Davidson is âalive and wellâ according to sources close to him this morning. Jim Davidson did not die unexpectedly at home yesterday, and continues to breathe the same air as the rest of us. A spokesperson for Davidsonâs management team told reporters, âWe can confirm that Jim is still with us, and working on new material. Itâs about black disabled people â youâll love it.â Upon hearing the announcement about Jim Davidson, comedy fan Simon Williams told us, âThis is such tragic news so soon after the death of Rik Mayall.â âItâs almost like God doesnât want British comedy to thrive any more.â âHeâll probably let Roy âChubbyâ Brown live to be 100, just you watch.â | 1 | satire |
3,399 | Netflix to start making recommendations based on whether you have company
Netflixâs complex recommendation engine will now be able to determine if someone is sat next to you, presenting only publicly acceptable shows and movies instead of the dross you normally watch. With artificial intelligence and highly involved algorithms usually responsible for telling you that you should watch another episode of Gossip Girls, the new change will ensure you are presented with suggestions to be proud of. Netflix user Simon Williams told us, âJust because I watched an episode or seven of Gossip Girl in the privacy of my own home, doesnât mean I want anyone to know about it.â âSo sitting in front of the television with someone youâre trying to impress had previously made Netflix a no-go area.â âThereâs only so many times you can blame âContinue watching Gossip Girls?â on your nephew using your account.â âIâd much rather they thought Iâd been watching Breaking Bad or House of Cards, and the new âI have companyâ feature makes that so much easier to deal with.â âBy default now Netflix thinks Iâve got someone with me, and theyâll only show critically acclaimed shows that reflect well on me, until I tell it that Iâm alone and it can go back to showing me Gossip Girls and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.â Netflix executives have said the new feature will put an end to people being embarrassed by the fact they are essentially taste-free sheep willing to watch any old shit. As one marketing executive explained, âWe like to think of your true Netflix recommendations like an Internet browsing history â best kept between you and your computer.â âFrom now on weâll only show you recommendations that will make you look good to anyone sat next to you.â âRight until the point you tell us youâre alone again, in which case weâll pick your usual drivel exactly where you left off.â | 1 | satire |
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