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The only good thing about Christmas was Hogsmeade. They would all go in the weekend. The Slytherins naturally sticked together and Astoria struggled less with that now.
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A peculiar calmness nested in her mind after the incident last year. Her anxiety was gone because she finally had an answer – she knew who she was. Who she was before at least and who she was supposed to be in the future. A legacy of her own.
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Pansy walked beside her in the snow. Astoria would rarely initiate conversation. Nicola told her she needs to keep a distance from everyone, to avoid making stupid mistakes or forming attachments. All of that she had managed to fuck up already.
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There was a new struggle inside her now. A teenage girl that thought about holding hands with Draco Malfoy and buying makeup with Pansy – facing an anger inside that told her she was destined for more. And in order to achieve her potential it would take sacrifices. Nicola was firm about that. She had to give, Astoria only wasn’t sure could she really do that. The answer was a terrifying "yes" because she knew herself to be selfish. Surely Christmas had to be an exception.
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"Pansy", the name was sweet and the black-haired girl turned quickly to face her. Her hair always moved with her in a mesmerizing way.
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"What?", she snapped back.
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"Do you want to come with me to look for candles?"
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"Candles?", Pansy blinked, "Why candles?"
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"Because I saw they had scented candles in different colors that changed shape. You know, very Christmas-like. I thought they would look nice in our dorm and I also don’t want to go alone. It’s a yes or no question really."
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"Fine, let’s go", she rolled her eyes.
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They walked in silence. Ice breaking underneath the heal of the shoes. That was her romantic rival, in a way, but Astoria found that absurd. In a past life her actual rival was Dumbledore and as an enemy she would point to her father, though she never met him. There was also the possibility that if Voldemort met her, he would also wish her dead, so the list was growing and Pansy somehow did not fit in it. There was no hate left for her.
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"Is there something you wish to talk about?", Pansy squinted her eyes with suspicion.
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Black was her color, no denying that. Black were her eyes, black her hair, black the clothes she wore and that sometimes consumed her. But it gave her a sense of mystery.
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"I don’t hate you Pansy and I wished you didn’t hate me too".
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"What a dumb thing to say", Pansy rolled her eyes.
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"Yeah, you’re right".
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"Don’t agree with me", the girl snapped and then stared at Astoria stopping in the middle of the way to the shop, "You’re delusional. I’m not mad you took Draco Malfoy from me and fucked him because I am so in love with him and I cannot live without him. I live on very well, in fact".
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"Then what is it?"
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"Is this your first year in Slytherin?", Pansy laughed with mockery, "Everyone has an interior motive to their relation to others. Do you not stop to think he may not be so sincere in his love?"
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"I do", Astoria confessed but tried to arrange her words carefully in her mind before she spoke, "I just have more important things to worry about".
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"What is your interior motive for wanting Draco?"
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They both stared leaving the questions hanging in the air. That was an interesting angle to look at it. His interior motive – spying, no doubt in that. But he was no monster, he was also a teenage boy. There had to be some truth in his feelings for her. Malfoy would never tell her romantic things, when they had sex it was simply that. And he made it so good, but that was the end of their relationship really.
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"It’s about connections", Pansy said as her eyes brushed away.
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That was something even though it was a vague answer. Maybe Pansy’s family was pushing her to be close to his. The Malfoy’s had everything a wizard would want in this world and there was this huge rave about Malfoy Manor. Blaise would say the big house compensated for the size elsewhere in a manner to tease him, but Draco only flattered himself from this.
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"He knows my family", Astoria said imitating the girl’s body language.
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"My father says they’re very high profile. No one really speaks to them and they distance themselves from social events. You do have that trait, definitely".
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Social events, such an odd thing. Astoria was never invited to anything of such nature and Dumbledore really kept her mostly under lock. That was a sad realization, that there was a whole different magical life she could have had if they only wanted her as a baby.
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"It doesn’t matter. I’m a bastard to the family, the name is just decorative".
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"And the blood", Pansy added.
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That was an insecurity of hers. Being mixed and having a mother without magical heritage. It was even more surprising because Pansy would use the derogative term "Mudblood" very freely. The rest still teased her.
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"Blood Is blood. All red", Astoria sighted, "Let’s go get the candles".
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It was worth the walk and the anxiety she felt in Pany’s company because the candles were excellent. Magic only made things better, elevated them. They changed shapes, never really went out and could mix colors. The scent was just one – she got lemon. Pansy picked some with the scent of roses.
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A snowbow hit Astoria in the face and it almost took her to the ground. It came out of nowhere and her eyepatch fell on the ground. Her fingers quickly moved to cover her eye. Light came in suddenly and that always had a blinding effect. Astoria could hear familiar voices and laughter approach her, but they were still far. Her fingers wandered directionless in the snow looking for what she had lost.
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"What a bunch of assholes", Pansy snorted.
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Her hands held hers so she’d help her steady herself. And their eyes met. Pansy’s face went pale when she saw the red eye that peaked underneath Astoria’s hair. Like Voldemort. A sign of dark magic any witch could recognize.
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"What have you done?", Pansy gasped and quickly left her on her own feet.
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In that question was the hidden meaning that everyone who asked left behind – what did you do to earn this mark? A curse, a crime, a murder?
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"Cover me", Astoria hissed and knelt to search for something to cover herself.
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"Does he know?", Pansy kept staring at her, unable to look away from the crimson color.
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"Yes, but that was a mistake on my part".
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The boys were almost near them. Astoria could see shadows on the snow.
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"He is much worse than you know him to be", Pansy said coldly and then a fake smile brightened her expression. " You really had to ruin this day for us, didn’t you?"
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Blaise was the first Astoria recognized. Goyle was next to him and they were both covered in snow. A snowball fight – that risked her secret. What a fucking joke.
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A black ring with an opal stone flashed in her eyes. Opal was said to bring strength and willpower. It was Draco’s and Astoria took his hand as he pulled her back on her feet and removed the snow from her hair.
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"Oh, just don’t push me off the broom next Friday at Quidditch", Blaise laughed.
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A hand rested on his shoulder. Theodore Nott was also there, his curly hair wet from the snow that melted in it. They all had a fresh flush of red on their faces from the cold and looked like they actually had some fun.
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"Is this going to be a threesome now?", Goyle snorted glaring at Pansy.
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"You can only dream about it", she snorted.
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"I do, only you keep your mouth shut in my dreams".
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There was a slight anger in his voice. Blaise laughed at that in support of his classmate. The things Pansy had to endure with those bunch surprised Astoria. But they didn’t talk to her like that and she wondered was this because of Malfoy or because of her pureblood status. Both possibilities disgusted her.
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"We’re going to get drinks. Malfoy’s buying after he lost a bet", Theo said with a smirk on his face.
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"What bet?", Pansy blinked in surprise.
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The boys exchanged glances and started laughing. No one would tell. Draco was having fun as well. Then his hand slipped on Astoria’s waist and he pulled her to step forward.
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"Let’s go. I’m paying", he chuckled and then turned to Pansy to call for her as well, "Pans, do keep up".
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It was a pet nickname. And just when Astoria though jealousy was below her. He didn’t have a pet name like that for her. Harry had, he called her Tori. Harry was no longer her friend.
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Blaise walked beside Pansy and took the candles off her hands. Malfoy carried hers. They mocked them for buying them. It was apparently such a girly thing to do and a waste of money.
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"Astoria just found herself an heiress to a large fortune, let her spend away at least some of it", Pansy laughed.
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"Maybe we should bet with her on something, tax the rich", Theo chuckled.
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"You are the rich", Pansy hissed.
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A hand on his chest and he seemed so carefree as he laughed. Two dimples on his face and his messy curles almost reminded Astoria of Harry. A young boy, filled with life. Just a teenager and she was also a normal teenager in that moment. Smiling came easy in the company of Theo Nott.
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"I am an ally to the common people. It is my rebellious nature to oppose my father", he said as if he recited it, "Like Robin Hood".
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Astoria laughed at that. And the comment about his father caught her attention.
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"Can’t believe you finally showed a human emotion", Blaise teased, "Do you make her laugh like that, Draco?"
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"I’m not a clown to amuse her", Malfoy snorted.
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"Human emotion?", Astoria quickly tried to add to the conversation facing Blaise, "What do you mean?"
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"Let’s see, so you die, then resurrect back somehow out of a coma and lose an eye in the process as if that isn’t the most peculiar thing ever. Then you came to class and act like there is a stick in your ass. At one point Draco went mad that it wasn’t you who’s in your body, we suspected you might be a dementor now, sucking the joy out of the room".
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It wasn’t me in my body – her mind repeating the words. That was Dumbledore’s suspicion in the beginning. He questioned her a lot about this before anyone else even knew she was awake. Snape tried to infiltrate her mind but was fruitless in his effort. How could he even think to match her skill? His magic a cheap imitation of hers.
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And then Draco thought this. On his own? No way, there was a connection there somewhere.
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"I’m just cursed", Astoria tried to brush it off.
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They found themselves at The Three Broomsticks and Hog’s Head. A small pub that was filled with Hogwarts’s students. Harry and his friends were there. Astoria tried not to stare at them.
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There was a forgotten itch inside of her. Nostalgia, pulling to the surfaces forgotten wishes like to go and join them. Old fears also came back to mind – like that he would think of her now as a true Slytherin. If she was in Ravenclaw – he could get over that. But Slytherin – that’s where all the dark wizards came from. And that made all these kids evil. Did he think her evil now?
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"Wizard’s Brew, honey", Theo raised his hand as if in class and got the waitress attention.
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"Hog Head’s Brew", Pansy said and Blaise raised a figure to make it two.
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"Dragon Scale".
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"I’ll have what he’s having", Astoria added after Draco and Goyle joined.
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That was done as an older woman took their order. Theo smiled charmingly at her with two dimples. That was how he flirted; Astoria figured because he used this on her. Almost worked.
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"Don’t look but the Gryffindorks are staring", Pansy snorted with mockery. It was towards her but for the first time it didn’t feel like she was the joke. Rather they expected her to join in laughter with them.
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"Yeah, me and Harry had a fallout", Astoria said casually.
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"Oh, Elroy, please do share", Theo laughed and leaned forward the table, "We’d love some gossip".
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"There is no gossip. He’s afraid of me after our last fight and thinks all Slytherins are destined to become dark wizards".
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They kept their comments to themselves following her last sentence. Some details about the magical world and the current political atmosphere were spared to her knowledge. Dumbledore was keeping her in the dark, not letting her know a lot of important things. They all figured that out instantly some time ago.
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"I would be afraid too", Theo chuckled, "You almost killed that bloody bastard Alastor Moody".
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Only it wasn’t him. The ex-auror. That was a secret. Something that mattered little to her and she could leverage it in her advantage. Maybe it was just stupid of her to say, but it felt good being the center of attention. Being asked questions as if she was interesting to them.
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"It was an imposter. He used Polyjuice potion. That was never Alastor Moody teaching us".
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"No way", Pansy gasped. The rest didn’t look that surprised but still forced out a fake reaction, "Who was it?"
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"I don’t know. They wouldn’t share with me", a lie that left carelessly her lips. Astoria was good at this as well.
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"Gossip, indeed", Theo hissed as he glared towards Draco, "I wonder what you can get out of her during pillow talk. This felt almost forbidden to hear as if I have to kiss you now for this information".
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What a charmer, Astoria rolled her eyes. But it was true, he had charm and flirting came easy to him.
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"Keep on dreaming", Draco said sounding bored.
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"I might order another just to piss away your money, Malfoy".
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"I’d like one more too", Goyle added to the conversation. He seemed mostly like a background character in the group. Astoria rarely heard his voice and just made the conclusion he had nothing smart to say. But maybe he was smarter than that.
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One look at him and his pig-like face was enough to quickly kill suspicion of detecting any intellect in his round head.
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"I bet it’s tactical", Blaise added with a daring look, "He’s shagging her now, eye, but imagine if he’d actually pulled out a ring" and he then turned to Draco patting him on his shoulders like he did when they won the Quidditch cup, "You’d be the richest man alive".
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"I live of Dumbledore", Astoria quickly shut that down, "And thank god he’s paying because I really lost myself on those candles".
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They seemed to enjoy that and laughed with her, not at her. Almost looked at her with curiosity like they finally met her. And in a sense that was true for both sides. Pansy had a shy smile, always kept suppressing happiness to show on her face. She looked like she designed herself to look sharp and angry all the time – the way her hair was cut to her neck, the cheekbones, the makeup on her that elongated her features, the consistent preference towards the color black.
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Theo was very jolly. A charmer, no doubt. Probably the best liar there was. Every word out of his mouth sounded dangerous and daring with two big eyes staring at you. The dimples made him appear cute, very boyish. And he was much smarter then he let people think him to be. It showed in the quickness of every come-back and how well he spoke with confidence in his words, always.
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Goyle was very quiet but seemed genuine in each smile. He laughed hard and seemingly had a thing for Pansy, giving her long stares she refused to return back.
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Blaise was the worst. Now Astoria knew she was wrong in her impression Theo somehow challenged Draco’s authority in Slytherin. It was actually Blaise who stood tall and proud next to him, always pushing a bit further with each comment. If it was about her, about his fortune, about his house, about his cock, anything really.
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And lastly, Draco Malfoy who seemed different. Somehow more closed in himself. Anger rarely came to him like before. Sure, he had his arrogance and the annoying glares he gifted occasionally to others. But he didn’t care like before. He let Blaise fool around and somehow even enjoyed that. Smiled, tried laughing but was the quietest among them.
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"It’s fine with me, I can spoil you", he said to her and a flash of dare shined in his grey eyes. It was naughty of him because he said it only when he touched her. And it made her flush red because this was different, they were hanging out with friends in public and her mind wondered somewhere else in panic.
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