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"How was your day?", she asked. |
"Good, there are some things I want to tell you", Harry said as his smile shortened. |
Suddenly the realization came – there was a smile on her face as well. It was a contagious happiness that Harry carried. And Astoria was happy to see him, to be able to share with him. It was hard to let go. |
One. Last. Time. |
She flinched back but tried to maintain the smile. |
"I don’t know if you will like this, but we did some research on your family", he said slowly. |
Harry was being cautious, preparing her, starting slowly. He almost looked like he was worried for her, which surprised her as she feared a hatred would grow in him once he knew. But apparently, he did long before her. |
It was logical Hermione would tell him first, probably warn him to stay away, Astoria thought. |
"I know that they’re mostly dark wizards", Astoria said calmly. |
Harry looked surprised. He looked through the window and tried to rethink what to say. Now she noticed he was a bit tense, his arms crossed over his knees in a defensive way, rather relaxing. |
"I’m sorry, I was worried how you’d react. You seem...fine?", he said confused, then his eyes widened with horror. "Not fine, but you know, not crying". |
He felt like he fucked up. Tried to come close to her, to smile apologetically. All this was adorable to Astoria because he just wanted to protect her from the truth. She needed that from time to time as no one really protected her in life. Dumbledore was always away, though being in a way under his wing surely meant protection she couldn’t comprehend at this moment. |
With Harry she could be vulnerable. She could finally share her true thoughts and not fear. He did judge her sometimes, he had just prejudices towards Slytherins, but he cared for her, in that she was sure and that mattered the most. |
Astoria laughed. |
"To be honest with you, I just don’t believe it. I don’t believe I have anything to do with those people." |
Harry remained silent. So, she continued. |
"I know that it passes through generations, some kind of power that is foreign to me. I think I’m just not the right generation. I think I’m just unlucky and not some kind of dark wizard waiting to emerge from my skin and – I don’t know, take over the world or whatever", she laughed yet her eyes watered with tears she luckily managed to hold back. |
"That doesn’t sound so bad", Harry said softly. |
"I think so as well", she agreed, and a tear escaped, rolling down her cheek. |
It was a lie. Elroy was a dynasty, a pureblood family that could change her social status, her confidence, everything about her life. But she tried to reject such notions in her mind. A cruel reminder that they left her behind as an infant. Even if she was some lost child, they didn’t want her in the first place. She was already insignificant to them and all that genetic greatness was lost on her. |
But she wanted it. Even for a second, if she could dream, she wanted the power. To feel safe, to feel untouchable. And to be special, to be someone. Like Harry. But Harry was no great wizard thanks to his genes, he was great because he was brave and he pushed himself to be this way. |
It was a choice, Astoria thought, acknowledging that the same choice was probably an option for her as well through her life, she just chose like a coward. |
Harry reached out to her and wiped the tear on her face. Her whole body shivered under his touch. |
"You look beautiful", he suddenly said as both looked up in shook. |
Astoria took a sharp breath that stayed in her so she could contain those words in herself forever. Harry looked back; a bit startled. |
"I like your hair like this", he said, sighted and then added, "I guess we’re both very lonely". |
"I’ve been lonely my whole life", Astoria answered but she wasn’t sad. "It’s sometimes better that way. At least it’s true". |
"No, I just, I wish to enjoy things in the moment. Maybe for a little, even if it’s temporary. I feel like I might not live that long and I wish to enjoy it", he said in one breath, staring at her, realizing he probably spoke nonsense but it didn’t matter. |
Astoria felt an empty space in her chest ache as she touched his shoulder for comfort. |
"I want to go to the Yule Ball, would you like to come?" he added. |
She did expect it, there was no surprise in that question, yet it still left her stunned. An answer didn’t come to her. That was unexpected. This is all she ever wanted and it felt wrong. Her stomach twisted itself and words got lost. She felt as if she was going to vomit. It wasn’t how she wanted it. His words seemed more like a cruel joke than those of Malfoy’s as she knew them to be untruthful. |
"I-", that’s all that came out of her mouth. Harry stared at her, both with worry and with sadness, "I already agreed to go with someone", she finally finished the sentence. |
Harry seemed surprised which made her angry. As if she couldn’t go with anyone else because she was so undesirable. He always viewed her like that. Like a "plan b", or "plan c" matter of fact. It would’ve been great to go to the ball with Harry who was a champion for the Tournament. And he was going to be nice to her. All his Gryffindor friends would be pissed, so would the Slytherins who would never forgive her. |
The next morning, she left her hair down for classes. It was going to be a pain in the ass, but she knew it made her look better as her hair framed her face. All she could think about was how she managed to get three proposals for the Yule Ball and fuck up all three of them. |
This was the day of truth for Astoria. She frankly didn’t want to go with any of them. |
Theodore was a liar, she knew, and his sudden interest in her probably had an interior motive that wasn’t just sleeping with her. He wanted to use her, she feared but she couldn’t say for what. The same could be said for Draco Malfoy and worse even. |
Malfoy was a prick. But going with him would save her the bullying. He was also handsome and that sure would help make the night tolerable. And Harry just wasn’t an option considering she wasn’t a real option for him either, rather just back-up. |
They had class with Alastor Moody. He was showing them how to stun someone effectively in battle rather than just make them dizzy. In other words, the goal was to completely knock out the opponent. It seemed like an aggressive spell and some Gryffindors were alerted by it. |
The two facing each other were Pansy and Hermione. They could barely stand each other and the genuine anger they put into their magic did wonders. Moody was very pleased when Pansy fell down unconscious and then they spend the rest of it trying to wake her up. |
When class ended the boys helped Pansy to recover. They took care of their own, that was at least undeniable about Slytherin. You could be awful and annoying like Pansy, bullied and used, but they would come for you and still lift you from the floor. |
Draco held her hand as she tried to stay still. They previously dated in third year. For a bit, though at the beginning it was very flashy. He held her hand, took her everywhere, she kissed him in the hallways and one time they even got detention for inappropriate behavior. However, Draco changed and he grew colder towards her. There was a girl named Angelic, who was from Ravenclaw, he kissed once in the hallways but that seemed short-lived. |
Sometimes he would snap rudely to girls and Astoria wondered if she ever got off his good side, would he talk to her the same way he did to Pansy who clearly loved him with undeniable devotion. It was pitiful, she took all his anger and swallowed it, while he never seemed to appreciate it. Love makes a fool of us all, so this time she couldn’t be a fool and had to choose with cunning. |
If she went to the Yule Ball with Draco Malfoy, Pansy would kill her. But Pansy was a bitch and she deserved it, Astoria thought as an evil grin appeared on her face. It would also make Harry hate her, but that was somewhat the point, if it was hate or jealousy, she’d take it. |
Astoria quickly caught up to them. |
"Hello Astoria", Theo greeted her pleasantly once he noticed her. |
She nodded with a smile and then turned to Draco. That warm smile faded into coldness and anger as she faced him. They all stopped. Pansy looked annoyed to see her, while Draco remained expressionless. |
"I want you to know we have a deal", she said. |
Everyone looked confused, even Draco raised an eyebrow. |
"That was no deal", he said coldly as he glared her down with anger. He shook off Pansy’s arm that held him and put his in his pant’s pockets. "Come", he commanded and once again she obeyed. |
As they walked down the corridor, they passed Harry and his friends. Astoria saw the look of disbelief on his face and the sharp looks Hermione and Ron gave her. |
They think they’re finally right. They think to themselves "See, she really is a Slytherin, one of them." I am, I really am, Astoria told bitterly to herself, but it felt like victory. |
Draco Malfoy had this effect, he made you feel important in his presence. You could just tell by that, that he was a pureblood, an aristocrat to the wizarding world. He was raised to command respect. |
"I don’t think you understand the definition of a deal. I am to get something out of it, and the way I see it I am just at a loss", he said coldly and didn’t even bother to look at her. |
For all those years in Hogwarts Astoria concluded that Draco Malfoy’s amazing superpower was always looking extremely bored when talking to others or being in their presence. They always felt inferior to him, as did she in this moment. |
"I am open for a discussion. Whatever you want, you can ask it of me", she said yet her voice trembled because she didn’t really mean that. |
Desperation pushed her to say things she didn’t truthfully mean. She had little to give and when she imagined what a boy, not Malfoy, but just a boy – could ask from her, well, she shivered. |
He stopped and looked eyes with her. People passed them in the hallway. |
"Let’s go somewhere private", he said. |
Her legs moved on her own following his lead. They found themselves in an empty classroom for potions class. This already felt illegal to her. |
"What If prof. Snape comes?", she asked with fear. |
"He brews his potions in his own office. Privately", he explained, and she stared at him surprised he has this knowledge. |
Maybe because he was clearly his favorite student, that was a normal thing to know. She had no more time to spare on this observation as she turned to face him and realized it was time to explain herself. |
"I want to go to the Yule Ball with you", she said confidently and forced herself to look at him. |
He seemed amused by that. He smiled, not a sincere and large smile like Harry’s. Malfoy was always smirking as if everything was ironic to him. |
"What made you change your mind? Potter finally rejected you?", he spat at her. |
"I rejected him, actually". |
"If you lie, I’ll know", he warned her as the distance between them narrowed. |
If I lie, he will know, she repeated in her mind. Yet this only gave her more confidence in herself because she was telling the truth. Her legs moved and she faced him. |
"It’s the truth. I don’t want it to be him. And if you reject me, I will go with Theo", Astoria said, trying to spare him as many details as possible. |
"Don’t threaten me", he rolled his eyes. |
Draco walked in a circle around her. Watching her from every corner. Insecurities pushed in her mind, but she quickly blocked them mentally because this could be a tactic on his side. To make her weak, to make her slip. He stopped behind her and Astoria quickly turned to face him again. It was important not to be intimidated by him. It was time to be brave. |
"You only answered one of my questions. I still don’t know what made you change your mind", Draco reminded her. |
Sometimes he sounded like a smart-ass as well, she thought with irritation. |
"I want what every girl wants. To go to the ball and dance with someone handsome. To have fun. To feel pretty. You could give me that." |
"I could", he made a step forward, "What could you give me?" |
"Anything", she said with a deep breath as he came closer. |
"Be careful now", Draco warned as he pointed a finger at her, "you could gamble away all your aces in one turn". |
"I’m horrible at gambling", Astoria confessed. |
"You are", he agreed coldly. His face remained mostly expressionless though she could see he was amused. |
"You could demand anything from me. I realize this could be an inconvenience to you so I will do my best. Whatever you want me to do, to wear and how to look – I will agree." |
"Your low self-esteem is so unattractive", Draco spat at her. She took the offence and swallowed it as she kept looking at him determined to have her way. |
There was a long pause in which he looked at her up and down. |
"I like your hair long. What dress are you wearing?", he finally added and sighed, which she interpreted as agreement. |
"White with silver lining on it. Short." |
"Short", he repeated as he smirked, "I like that". |
Astoria took the comment as a slap on the face but didn’t flinch. She never knew him to be a pervert, but she knew him to be a sadist and a bastard. Maybe he was going to find a way to humiliate her, to make her regret this. As doubt began clouding her thoughts, she took a step back without realizing it. Her eyes found his black shoes coming closer and closer to her. As she looked up his hands were already on her neck, pushing her chin up. His thumb resting on her face. |
"You are so naïve. So easy. This might be a bad deal for you", he whispered next to her skin. |
"I want to do it", she said firmly. |
"You want to be bad?", Draco Malfoy chuckled, "That’s so unusual of you". |
" I –", she lost her words and before she could say anything he let her go. He walked out of the room fast and didn’t even turn to look back at her. |
Agreeing to go to the Yule Ball with Draco Malfoy turned out to be a bad deal for Astoria. Somehow her luck was worse. |
The news made the boys from Drumstrang only suspect her even more of some kind of evil intent. Pansy wished her dead and didn’t even try to hide it. All the Slytherin girls thought she had somehow seduced Draco Malfoy, which was an absurd notion, and that she stole him from innocent and in love Pansy. They punished her for this with gossip and conspiracies about her family. |
Like all gossip, word got out. Harry passed her through the hallways and refused to even look at her. His face was always cold, his jaw tight. He felt betrayed. Malfoy was, in a bit dramatic way to say – his enemy. They could barely stand each other. And she chose him over her best friend. Her only friend. The choice seemed more stupid with each day that passed. |
Theo also seemed unhappy with the spreading news. He did try to court her, gave her a rose in class which made her face go red and she almost fainted under the stares she got. As his efforts proved pointless because there was no way to go against Malfoy and win, Theo eventually gave up on her. Rather easy, to her disappointment. |
In contrast, Malfoy barely gave any thought to her. He continued his everyday life as before. Barely interested in her, barely looking at her. Of course, Astoria didn’t expect anything else from him, but it only made her suspicious. And his behavior was the reason why some people suspected she even made this up and lied. This only gave her reason to fear she was being played. Maybe it was all an evil plan to hurt her and thus Harry. |
Maybe Malfoy wouldn’t even show up. Or he will show up with Pansy. Maybe he would just leave her alone all night. Astoria sometimes had nightmares like that as the days to the ball shortened. |
The only relief was that the mean jokes stopped. Pansy would occasionally be a bitch to her, but she was careful in her words. If Astoria was really Draco’s, insulting her now meant insulting him and that was something to rethink in Slytherin. |
All the looks and all the whispers behind compensated and made her nervous. That’s why Astoria decided to go on a walk in the snow. Autumn had already slipped away, and Winter came beautiful in white. She carried a book with her. |
She passed near Hagrid’s. Harry had taken her there once during her second year. Hagrid knew her from Dumbledore and mostly looked at her with curiosity, but he was never cruel to her. Neither cold like Dumbledore. He was nice to her and once called her a "sweet girl". |
Tears pushed through her eyes. She wiped them aggressively as she got angry at herself. She quickened to the forest and found a nice spot to rest a little. As she took a deep breath, she heard a branch snap. |
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