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[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Dwight enters dressed as Recyclops] Not again." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bow down before Recyclops." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Five years ago, corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day so Dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The next year he really stepped things up." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "A year after that Recylcops really began to take shape." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing... I can't remember." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Recyclops will have his revenge." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think this was also the year he renounced Earth Day and vowed to the destroy the planet he once loved." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, you guys, look. It's Recyclops." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Recyclops destroys! [starts tearing through the office]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, is today Recyclops Day?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I thought you were killed by Polluticorn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Polluticorn wishes. [starts spraying the office with something]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's aerosol spray. It's terrible for the environment." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Humans are terrible for the environment." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The thing I like most about Recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A world where you truly can be anything you want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "God bless you, Recyclops. And your cold robot heart. [Dwight throws an aluminum can towards the recycling bin and misses]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[seated] Ok. Ok. How 'bout this? [rises, waves, sits back down]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want it to be better than 'Great', Pam. How 'bout I remain seated... and I just do a little bit of a nod. Sort of a humble thing. [demonstrates]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope. Then my face is down. They can't see my face." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "And it looks like you're taking a dump." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alan Brand is the CEO of the company, if title's important to you, has personally invited moi to go to New York to the shareholder's meeting and sit up on the stage with the board of directors. And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have. And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd... and the crowd goes wild." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[doing an announcer voice] Ladies and gentlemen from Scranton, Pennsylvania, please welcome Michael 'The Machine' Scott. [Michael waves, twirls and sits down]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't do the twirl." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Lose the twirl." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The twirl sucks." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, I hated the twirl." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[still doing the voice & spinning in his chair] Hate the twirl!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Obviously I'm not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, good. Don't do it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It's not even a twirl, it's a spin. I might do the spin." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and there's no where to get it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, Oscar, I don't need the whole enchilada just the bullet points." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Those are the bullet points." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, could you condense it please?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's as simple as I can make it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael? The limo's here for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not a limo. It's a town car. Town cars are actually better, though. Better torque. Better handling." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He said limousine, so..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[at window in conference room] Check it out, guys. There's a limo down here. [everyone heads to the conference room] Michael, look. Oh, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They sent a limo." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when they're in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[everyone is rushing down the stairs to see the limo] Oh, wait. Wait. Wow. Wow! Oh, no way. Look at that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What kind of mileage does this baby get?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's like what high school kids take to prom on tv shows." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is so typical of management to spend money on this. Ugh. Bunch of boobs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Calves. Calves all the way." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm so jealous right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you know who you should be jealous of? Yourself. Because you're invited and you're invited and you're invited and you and you and you and you and you and you-" }, { "character": "Limo Driver", "line": "Car seats eight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Limo Driver", "line": "The car seats eight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The limo seats eight. Ok. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest." }, { "character": "Jim & Pam", "line": "No thanks." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'll use it when you're done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[others start raising their hands to be picked] Mmm... whoa." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, morons and idiots. Because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And, as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the limo with Dwight, Andy and Oscar] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Definitely." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Smells like it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. That's bigger than my bed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Word." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[the limo driver raises the divider window] Who's playing with the button?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Ryan. Could you start consolidating all our Rolodex information into Outlook?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, it doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But if the company doesn't go under then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The company's probably going under, though." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Could go either way." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Seems like it's leaning one way." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe we should just wait and find out." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Definitely." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nah. Might as well do it now." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael, what if somebody asks you a question at this meeting? Are you just gonna wave, or what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will have to answer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll ask you a question." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Make it a softball. Something he can, like, crank out of the park." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael Scott you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. That's too hard. Say your name is Zamboni and then I will say, 'Well, we're sort of on thin ice.' [they all laugh] I won't say that. I'll something like that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is your big day. Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my god. This is it." } ], [ { "character": "Laurie", "line": "Mr. Scott?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Laurie", "line": "I'm Laurie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hi." }, { "character": "Laurie", "line": "Thank you for joining us. Come with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, thank you and, and please call - continue to call me Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Laurie", "line": "Ok. If you just want to follow me I'll take you up to the lounge." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I guess this is as far as I can take you guys. So -" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good luck, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See you later." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking past bodyguards at the door] Officers. Thank you." }, { "character": "Laurie", "line": "After you, Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So glad you could make it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "How was the ride?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'm glad. I want to introduce you to everyone. First we'll start with Alan Brand. Alan? CEO. Michael Scott, Branch manager, Scranton." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "It's nice to meet you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's nice to meet you, too. It's an honor and a privilege." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Seated, we have the former congressman, Chris O'Keefe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah. [bows] Your eminence." } ], [ { "character": "Registrar", "line": "For those of you with questions, please line up behind one of the four microphones that have been placed in the aisles." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Coming through. Che, che, che, che, che, che. [spots microphone and gets in line, sees an empty mic and attempts to get there first] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. [a line appears from nowhere] Ah. Damn it. [ heads back to the original line which is now even longer] Wha- okay [grunts]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district, pick up a few crates of my shirts. I got a shirt guy." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can you believe this? The money they spent on this convention hall. [finding a seat] Excuse me, miss. I just want to take the stupid board of directors by their necks. This is so simple." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Well, you should do that. Get in line." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, what a great idea and lose my job. No thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during the - America's biggest financial crisis?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How is he gonna have grandkids?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys ever protect the president?" }, { "character": "Security", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?" }, { "character": "Security", "line": "Not supposed to talk about it. Nelly Furtado." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Alright, guys. You ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rock and roll. [they walk into convention room and are booed by everyone]" } ], [ { "character": "Alan", "line": "Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company. We are poised to come through this more streamlined and profitable than ever. [boos from the crowd]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to David] This is not as much fun as I thought it would be." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It was fun when we weren't on the brink of bankruptcy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[accidentally into his microphone] We're going bankrupt, you think? [angry jeering from the crowd] They are really angry." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "The shareholders need to empower our leadership -" } ], [ { "character": "Woman in line", "line": "I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save my place?" }, { "character": "Man in line", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. You will not." }, { "character": "Woman in line", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. Were you raised in a household with no consequences?" }, { "character": "Woman in line", "line": "It'll just be a second." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest." } ], [ { "character": "Alan", "line": "... and we're confident. There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[loudly applauds] Yes." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [scattered applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [applause]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Phyllis. Are you just getting back from lunch now?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Bob took me to Capello's. We got a little tipsy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. You shouldn't be telling me that stuff and also shouldn't be taking two hour lunches without telling me." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, it's ok. Michael doesn't really care about these things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I care about them and I'm just as much of a boss as Michael. [Stanley laughs] What's so funny? I'm a co-manager." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That doesn't make you a boss." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's not like you can fire people or anything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well - who? How did you? Who, who told you this?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ryan." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Can't say." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sorry. Plastered." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. Who else has heard the rumor that I am not as much in charge as Michael? [everyone raises there hands - including Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stuff gets around. I don't participate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who here heard it from Ryan?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Does and email count?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. [everyone raises hands again]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am just as much of a boss as Michael and I can do anything that Michael can do. Alright? Who here believes that I have as much power as Michael? [Pam, after a moment, is the only one who raises her hand]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I forgot I have to support him no matter what. Close one." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "These questions are bush league." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You should get up and say something. You've got to be true to what's in there. [points to Oscar's heart] Don't be a wuss." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway, got a 1220, always regretted it. I feel lachrymose ." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[over the crowd booing] Believe me everyone is working very hard, working weekends, struggling, trying to right the ship." }, { "character": "Shareholder", "line": "You're a criminal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. These are not criminals. They are nice. They invited me to come here today. They invited me to their hospitality suite where I had free food and it was delicious. Get this. Know how nice they are? The sent a stretch limo all the way to pick me up in Scranton. That's -" }, { "character": "Female Shareholder", "line": "Limousine?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Second Shareholder", "line": "You're all corrupt. You should be in jail. [crowd agrees]" }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Quiet! Quiet, please! Please, quiet! Quiet, please. We want to hear your questions." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you love her or do you love the idea of her?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't know, man. I just don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I gotta make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you actually fire people?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "To be honest, I don't know, but maybe I could just yell at him in front of people." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, well I yell. You've heard me yell." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. Ok. I've heard you exclaim. Like the time you said, 'Hey, look. We parked over here!'." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, that was apple-picking day and there's no need to yell that day, you know. I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you'll figure it out." } ], [ { "character": "Alan", "line": "Ok. We're gonna take a 15 minute break and then we're gonna answer more questions." }, { "character": "Third Shareholder", "line": "You haven't said anything yet and we're headed for bankruptcy. [crowd agrees]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[board of directors has started to exit] Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. We'll be back with some answers. [a few murmurs from the crowd of 'What answers?'] I - ok. I know that you're mad at me and you're mad at all them -" }, { "character": "Fourth Shareholder", "line": "How are you gonna fix the company?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Alright. We are gonna - we're gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. We're gonna come back with a plan for you. It's a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track. [crowd starts to agree and perk up] 45 points. It's a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business. [crowd applauds] And you can take that to the bank. [applause continue] And Limo Lady, we are going completely carbon neutral. [crowd has gotten very excited and is cheering] I love you, New York! [Michael does the spin and leaves the stage - then runs back across the stage] You. You." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Ryan. How's it going?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[playing Tetris on his computer] Here's the thing. Um, I've tried it like five different ways in my head and - Oh, got one. Um, I'm such a perfectionist..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That I'd kinda rather not do it all then do a crappy version." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Simple data entry, though. So there's really only one way to do it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it. Do you wanna maybe just take a whack at it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I know the problem." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you seem distracted." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yep, that is a problem." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But, you know what? I came up with something and I think it's really gonna help." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, I'm glad you're finally being proactive, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am, too. Let me show you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Things are really picking up." }, { "character": "O'Keefe", "line": "What was that about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "You were supposed to wave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did wave. I did a lot more than wave." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What are we supposed to tell them now? Ok? You've dug us quite a hole." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We tell them the plan, right?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "There is no plan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's what we're gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined, we go with that. Day 45, company saved. Day 44, go. What do we got? We have 15 minutes." }, { "character": "O'Keefe", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out." }, { "character": "O'Keefe", "line": "Who the hell is this guy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am the guy who roused that crowd." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got them on their feet." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They were so happy down there." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Who cares?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Alright. Well, I know a guy. This Mexican guy. He is a math whiz. He knows economics as well as he knows bull fighting and I am going to call in a little favor." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't call anybody, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm texting him, so." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Please do not text anybody, now, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's done. [Oscar, sitting in the lobby, receives a text]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman, I would like you to meet Oscar. Come on in. Don't be shy. This is Oscar Martinez. Oscar, why don't you come over here. Let me present you. Step up. Step up there. Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation. Take it away. [Oscar stands there stunned]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think this is really gonna help. If you could just hold up here one second. [addresses the whole office] Hey, guys. Quick announcement. If I could just have everyone's attention. [turns back to Ryan] I just figured you needed a place where you can concentrate and not be bothered by bothering people." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let me show you what I mean. [Jim opens the closet door to reveal a work station] Your new office. How great is that, right? For a job well done. Well, not done." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I will, uh, I will do my work right now. I will stay late tonight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, I'm very sorry... about everything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] You're a good kid. You know what? It gets bigger once you're in there. Enjoy it. [shuts the door and walks to his office]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[from behind the door] Is there internet?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ummm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell them what you told me. This is genius." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and - this is all -" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Um.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's all good. It's all good stuff. Lay it on them." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I feel, as does Mr. Scott, that we are in the best of hands. Capable hands." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That wasn't what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think this has gone very well and I thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "O-kay. Oh... hey, hey. [follows Oscar into the hall] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, I didn't ask to come up here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, man. That -" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was embarrassing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "For me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For me, too. You embarrassed me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You -[Oscar walks away, Michael goes back in the room]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that was a waste of a text. Let's get down to brass tacks. I think that we might be in trouble. We don't seem to have a plan so I'm thinking I go down there. Maybe rattle off a few jokes. Congressman could follow." }, { "character": "O'Keefe", "line": "He's our best manager? Where's the off button on this moron?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I'm not a moron. Time after time my branch leads in sales. I have personally won over 17 Dundie awards. So, I am not a moron and I am just trying to help, you know? So... you're the moron." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[zipping through the hall while texting]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is a thrill to be honored by one's company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say, 'Wow. Great job.' That is what it is all about. Not the perks. Perks? The perks. I could take or leave the perks. Limos are for people who make the company money not lose millions and have no plan. So we're leaving early. After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate." } ], [ { "character": "O'Keefe", "line": "He can take the bus. He's had his limo ride." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[running out of the building with Oscar, Andy, and Dwight] Oscar! Oscar! Come on! There he is! There he is! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Scranton! Scranton! Scranton! Dunder Mifflin!" } ], [ { "character": "Alan", "line": "The gentleman in the, uh, glasses." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute, Scranton branch. I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day and if this line is any indication of how this company is being run then we are in big trouble. [cheers from crowd] Thank you. Right. I know. And I just want to say that I believe that there are options out there. [crowd still applauding] A take a number option like they have in a deli. What about line varieties? Like an express line for quick comments of ten words or less. They can move much more efficiently. What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Thank you. Thank you for your suggestions." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, Have a seat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is it serious? [Michael stares] Wow. Andy's a wittle scared." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why would people say that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard] Can you read that back to me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Andy have a boo-boo tummy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Would you rather me say \"Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "\"Crazy diarrhea happening right now?\" Cause things can get real adult real fast." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are also on record as saying \"wittle-ittle,\" \"footy-wutties,\" \"nummies,\" \"jammies,\" \"make boom-boom,\" \"widiculous,\" and \"wode iwand.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, who said that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Elvis voice] Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[baby voice] Tank you Mr. Elwis." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Elvis] You're welcome, baby." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, what do you put our chances at?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm, sounds risky." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that's not such a bad idea." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great! [sits down]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Anything else?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nope! [stands up and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say \"Delivered.\" Should I delete all of those?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want to keep those so I can see what I sent." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's why you have a \"Sent Mail\" folder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "There's about 30 news alerts for \"Nip Slip.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For what?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "\"Nip slip.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Must be hackers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. What's up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you murder someone?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Worse than that." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Lurk much? [Erin leaves] I miss Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think she's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is that what we're going for now? \"okay?\" We used to go for \"pretty good.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It would look bad. Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It would look good, on my mantle." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim's talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah! Your idea." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[glances at it] Looks great." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. [picks up and reads sheet] The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's \"Scott's Tots?\"" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Has it really been ten years?" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[shows newspaper article and reads] \"Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders\"" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, why did you promise that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To change lives." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No Michael, why would you promise that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We've already rescheduled seven times." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's terrible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have to tell them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... [makes yuck face at Erin]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey Jimmy, what's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] Thanks Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That laugh is so infectious." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let me guess, you think you should get it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, in an ideal world..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away \"Survival Skills\" and \"Self-defense.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's okay, I'll do it." } ], [ { "character": "Mikela", "line": "Mr. Scott?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?" }, { "character": "Mikela", "line": "I'm good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone?" }, { "character": "Mikela", "line": "It's in the music room, Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you didn't even hear it." }, { "character": "Mikela", "line": "Everyone's so excited that you're here today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, good." }, { "character": "Mikela", "line": "Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room] You're famous." }, { "character": "Mikela", "line": "I'm sure you remember this place." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Mikela", "line": "Do you want to go in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, not at all. Nope, come on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just..." }, { "character": "Mikela", "line": "We just want to say thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Students", "line": "[cheering] Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!" } ], [ { "character": "Teacher", "line": "Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you." }, { "character": "Students", "line": "[getting up and dancing] Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!" }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable!" }, { "character": "Students", "line": "Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jim said that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He thought you were doing an incredible job last month." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jim said that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You seem suprised." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, no, that makes total sense." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey buddy, so every-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sure. [puts in the twenty]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule." } ], [ { "character": "Teacher", "line": "Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much." } ], [ { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[crying] Oh, God. Oh, God." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Huh? What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, wait, I was not... I did not-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, you said \"In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize.\" Isn't that what you said?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But-" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money." } ], [ { "character": "Teacher", "line": "Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between \"A\" gym and \"B\" gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go?" }, { "character": "Teacher", "line": "Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?" }, { "character": "Zion", "line": "I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." }, { "character": "Mikela", "line": "You lied to us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place." }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "You owe this to us!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. [students perk up] Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you." }, { "character": "Students", "line": "[yelling]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, there was a big mistake obviously, so I will fix it. Okay? This was your idea anyway." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Correction. It was my idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My idea!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's fair." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent idea, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There must be some reasonable explanation for this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, really? From what, two to four?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yup." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay?" }, { "character": "Deliveryman", "line": "Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Look who it is! [shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "\"It could only be you!\" Way to go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He knew all along!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm going to have some cake." } ], [ { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "David Wallace's office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[imitating Kevin] This is Kevin Malone, is David there?" }, { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[imitating Stanley] This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[imitating Toby] It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here." } ], [ { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "Hey, Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin, can you give us a second?" }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "That was messed up what you did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What can I do?" }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "You can pay for my college." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?" }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "They're expensive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?" }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "It's about $1,000." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year." }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "No, $1,000 each year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around." }, { "character": "Lefevre", "line": "Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a lot of zeroes." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is Jim." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jim, what the hell is happening there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, uh David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Am I missing something?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I really don't know how it happened, David." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know how it happened." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, it will not happen again. I promise." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, you're kidding me!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're what, like, 12?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you're doing a great job." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes, but I'm terrible at math so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too." }, { "character": "Michael & Erin", "line": "Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "See you tomorrow, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Apparently." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How's it going? Good day?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not now, Temp." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... [Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I found a copy of it in the copier tray." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So what do you want?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[yelling] Attention everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Too loud." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "--the party planning committee..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Too, too loud. Too Loud." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But effective, look! [everyone turns to pay attention] On behalf of Jim and I, Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Merry Christmas. Good." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is time to unveil the tree." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, Rockefeller Center!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, I have actually been to Rock Center, and this is nothing like that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is all we have." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's not \"ugh.\" It is... office camaraderie." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is warm feelings." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! [others join]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why would you start so high?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Three, two, one! [pulls sheet to reveal Christmas tree]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You didn't decorate it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We didn't, because we think it'd be better to do it together." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everyone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why would you wrap it in a sheet, if you're not covering anything up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it, is it fake?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never die..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like the spirit of Christmas!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hello. Sorry guys. [louder, face is scratched up.] Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas? As my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What psycho would send that as a gift? [Kelly hugs Erin]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds? [six geese are inside Erin's car]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey Santa!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "They finally let you do it!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Congrats Phil!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's so edgy!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [she awkwardly hugs Jim] It's been a long journey... but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So Santa, what can we expect from this party?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What if you've been bad?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea, for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself... in jail!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know Oscar every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's funny." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it funny? I thought it was more ...interesting, than funny. [she walks over to see Oscar at the window looking down on man catching a football in parking lot] I think my water just broke!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's too funny." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. [points to Pam's' pregnant tummy]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell is going on?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take it back. That is absurd." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not gonna do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No? No! Jim! Come on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think she's doing a good job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably \"freedom.\" At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "[mutters] Okay..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "When can I sit on your lap?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's really comfortable. [Michael gasps]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What would you like for Christmas little boy?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What did you think was going to happen?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, just say \"some toys\" please." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Damn it Kevin, come on." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What about if I tell you the things I don't want?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Awesome." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "The only Santa." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's what I want." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What would Bob do?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Never mind, I shouldn't have said that." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Does it hurt?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It stings a lot." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know, right?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So far no one will admit to it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Huh!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Is it you? [Andy stage face, eyes pop, big mouth smile, Erin laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "\"Seriously?\" Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Santa! Busted!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There he is." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is Matt around? I got his check." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh, Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here, I'll take it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ah, I'll just... wait for him." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll just leave it here with you. [drops checks, leaves. Daryl smirks]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan come here!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Whoa, whoa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, come on." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm doing something over here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahhh... Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just sit down!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No no no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey hey hey. Everything okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I just talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoop! Okay, what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You can't yell out \"I need this, I need this\" as you pin down an employee on your lap!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you understand, you forced my hand?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, do we? Do \"We?\" Is that what \"we\" want? Why don't \"we\" take a vote on it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who wants Phyllis as Santa? [most everyone raises their hand]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we --[Dwight counts the raised hands] Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael I had you. I just want to try Phyllis." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And if you want Michael as Santa, raise your hand. [Michael, then Dwight raises hand] Can I get you some punch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll get some punch. That looks delicious. [shoves Santa hat into punch]" }, { "character": "Office", "line": "Aw, Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How do you know it's a gun?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What else does it look like?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Not a gun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well I don't have all the pieces yet." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not a gun. [crosses gun off his \"what could it be\" list]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "In the North Pole I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys. So today, let's put a twinkle in Ole Kris Kringle's eye! Let the party begin! [Dwight plugs in tree lights, office applauds.]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and ...broach pendants. \"Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself.\" That's not - I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Wow Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh the Anti-Christ!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You can't, [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Phyllis, could you not reveal to Erin that I'm her Secret Santa?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "All right sweetie, I'll tell her its Michael." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly & Erin", "line": "[singing] I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Have you talked to him?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Matt?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is it that obvious? [Pam starts towards Matt] No- hey..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm! Good pate, right? [Matt nods yes] Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar?" }, { "character": "Matt", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your pate." }, { "character": "Matt", "line": "I had some." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar's pate is great. I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the good ones are never straight, right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes! They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! [Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year -" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I have." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He got scented candles!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Amen." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "And this brings us to you, little one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on microphone] I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's fabric! I really wanted this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on microphone] That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy, is this you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on microphone] No!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's a secret." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on microphone] Andy had Erin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nnnnya." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on microphone] What? Was I not supposed to say it? [Jim unplugs mic] What? Turn it back on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. [Michael gets up and walks into his office]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes Michael, what is so urgent?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "This is a very very bad time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? What's going on?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Stephanie, can you hop off please?" }, { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "Sure David. [disconnect]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you want me off the call too Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Get off! Get off the phone!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'll be fired." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, can't Alan protect you?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Alan will be out too. All of us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All of us?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Goodbye Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. How's everybody doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you serious? This is so offensive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some... jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's your pin number?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want to say. But, \"it's fun to stay at the -\" [nods to fill in blank, but Dwight doesn't know]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"It's fun to stay at the -\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where? Holiday Inn? I don't ..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[gestures the YMCA dance] Mmm, mm mm mm. [Dwight smirks, leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I, I thought that you would like it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It was a little much Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well it's the thought that counts." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What were you thinking? [Andy freezes]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I suppose a gentlemen might... throw in the towel, at this point. Guess what? Not gonna happen." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, \"How could they do this to us?\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How could we do what? [general murmur]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not... Nevermind. Nothing. [arguing voices]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We deserve to know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't say anything!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "If you know something Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're going out of business!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "WHAT?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are kidding me!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait wait wait, who said that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David told me on the phone. David told me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When? When did he tell you? Today?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Earlier today." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Awww!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He said, we have been sold. [upset murmurs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aaaarrhh! [kicks over Christmas tree]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight! Jesus!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Come on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, wait. So they said we are sold?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No, I get it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll call him. I'll call David." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey Sweetie, what is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What the hell?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stephanie could you hop off please?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, I have never-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ever, ever..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey David." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hi David! [group hellos]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hello everyone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You weren't supposed to tell anyone Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I think we're past that now." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan, myself, a few other execs you don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, David. That's horrible." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Look. They're buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're not fired?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No! No, and congratulations." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! [office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs] It's a Christmas miracle!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woo hoo! [climbs on desk, stage dives into crowd of employees]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone. [Meredith and Madge help right the Christmas tree]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's true. We all walk alone." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[opens \"New Moon\" poster] Jim.... Jim! [Hugs him]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating..." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[opening kite from Ryan] Wow! Cause... [reveals Kite Runner book]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah! That was the idea." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Thank you!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Awesome!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Thanks man! [awkwardly tries to hug Ryan, pats him on the back]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[singing] Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! You got it? What is that? [Dwight building his gift]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have no idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh. Well, maybe those will help. [puts bag of walnuts on his desk]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael? Please! Come on!" } ], [ { "character": "Matt", "line": "Nice to meet you Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Nice to meet you Mark!" }, { "character": "Matt", "line": "It's Matt." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Right, Matt. [Matt leaves] I know what I'm doing, Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh man! [Dwight dropped a walnut into the nutcracker] I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi Santa." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hi Michael. [Michael sits on her lap] Mm. 'kay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'd like to make a wish." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "An Xbox it is. Because I've decided you're a good boy." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Scott! What in the hell is going on here? [Bob enters dressed as Santa too]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No Bob, we worked it out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You called Bob?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm sorry," }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on! Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm really sorry. It was earlier today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hi sweetie." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "You okay baby?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm good baby. [they kiss, both dressed as Santa]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God. Get a room Santas!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's real slippery out here. [sound of drummer's starts]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Twelve drummers drumming. [marching drum band lines up to perform, Andy steps out with cymbals]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys! [dances along to the drumming]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens." } ], [ { "character": "Eric", "line": "Hi -" }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "[Dwight using a robotic voice over the PA system] Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[entering on a Segway Scooter] I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?" }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is the world's largest ocean?" }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Stanley." }, { "character": "Fake Stanley", "line": "Hi." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it." } ], [ { "character": "Eric", "line": "Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "- since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it." }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it." }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "Are you calling me wrong?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Oh, my God." } ], [ { "character": "Eric", "line": "It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Excuse me. [slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there] If you will -" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, do you think I could get a space heater -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "- follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. [Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, we will. Have a seat. [Michael gives a pleased look then exits]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time." } ], [ { "character": "Eric", "line": "So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What are, are you doing at my desk?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ignore him. He's the local lunatic." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Come on, Dwight. Get out of here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. [laughs] Welcome. [Dwight exits]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um... nothing comes to mind. [clip montage]" } ], [ { "character": "Eric", "line": "So, the staff?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Are people generally happy?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[laughing] Happy's a funny word." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "In what way?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. [shakes head] Keep philosophers busy for awhile." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "So... generally?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Generally." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Generally happy. [clip montage]" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "[whispering] Generally happy." } ], [ { "character": "Eric", "line": "What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, I don't know." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "You, you don't know." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "You're the head of Human Resources." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't know. No." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Ok. [clip montage]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, Eric's just going over some stuff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stuff. I love stuff." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's, uh, it's HR stuff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "HR stuff? [pulls up a chair] HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. [pointing to Eric's notes] What is that? What kind of stuff is that?" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "It's uh, it's a company evaluation form." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Talkin' bout, uh -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Talkin' bout, uh, what?" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Waste is next." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "No, waste of time and resources." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, time and resources." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. [clip montage]" } ], [ { "character": "Eric", "line": "Is anyone near retirement age? [Michael and Toby look at each other - Creed clip montage]" } ], [ { "character": "Eric", "line": "[on the phone] Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. [to Toby] Right? Would you agree with that?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's, that is true. [clip montage]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as Eric is being escorted out by Michael and Toby] Thank you, so much." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Thank you. It's nice to meet you all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good to meet you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Have a great day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hope to see you soon." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? [clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun." }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "Computron experiencing emotion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?" }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just - sh -" }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "[after a pause] Please don't. Computron -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut -" }, { "character": "Computron", "line": "wants to live." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up. Shut up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[extended Lazy Scranton video] Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So check out how we live" }, { "character": "Both", "line": "in the Electric City!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They call it Scranton!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Electric City. Scranton!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But check that it's covered by your" }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Healthcare Provider!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Plenty of space in the parking lot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But the little cars go in the compact spot!" }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Snack attack time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't lose your head." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We like Cugino's" }, { "character": "Both", "line": "for the tasty bread." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They call it Scranton!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Electric City. Scranton!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Electric City. Scranton!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Electric City. Scranton!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Electric City. Scranton!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[pause] What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah. [clapping and chanting] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Erin]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[clapping] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think you don't know what you're saying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's from \"Sob-ray\", our new owner, and it is to Sabre, us. I wonder what's inside. Scissor me. [Erin tosses Michael open scissors, Pam is appalled]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre. [mispronounced \"sob-ray\"] They stepped in at the 11th hour, and they saved our asses. Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could have saved our own asses. We didn't need them touching our asses." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! [rips open cardboard box] Wow. Awesome. [distributing items] For accounting, a brand new printer. And for the sales staff, a new fax machine. This cord has Creed written all over it. And whoever would like a brand new scanner can come visit it in my office. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here we go. [scans stuffed animal] Oh! Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool. What next? [Dwight puts his face on scanner]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Guys, um, who's Gabe? This note says to put the box aside for Gabe Lewis, who's coming tomorrow?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control -" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Impulsivity and inattention to detail." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey. I have opened a box, which should not have been opened..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Terrible mistake." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And distributed things which should not have been distributed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Undistributable." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, maybe we can put the box back together." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Impossible. He opened it like an ape." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think we can do it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam and Oscar are trying to repack cardboard box] Yep, yep." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Right? Mm. Did we try printer first? Shredder at an angle -" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Fax, cable, then the scanner upside down?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Have you tried making everything smaller?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And - [Jim seals box with tape, rips covered with stickers] Wow. Really nice job. This group of people, when they put their minds together, they can do something great. And I think that you should all be proud of yourselves. [cell phone starts ringing from inside box]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, relax. We can do it. We just did it. So we can do this again. Erin, scissor me please. [Erin tosses open scissors across Jim and Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, don't!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[fumbles] Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, he's on his way up. Okay. Are we ready?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you want us to do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do I have to explain everything?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because we're usually not on the same page." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [starts round of applause]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh. Okay. And to you. [begins applauding]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is. [holding up photo of him and Wallace] You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Welcome. Scranton hot dog from Scranton?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, Dwight? Let's give him a minute to settle in, shall we? Ok?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Um, hi, uh, my name is Gabe Lewis. I am coordinating director for merging regions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Gabe. I am Michael Scott, co-manager. This is my protege, Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Co-manager, actually." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In training." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Trained. Loving it. Good at it. So..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "We are very impressed with this branch and we are so excited about this merger." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're very excited too, aren't we guys? Right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So excited." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have a little song prepared for you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Um, actually, if you don't mind, I would love to put this on the Sabre website. [correctly pronounced \"say-ber\"]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sabre. Say-ber. Sabre." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. Of course." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, say-ber. Good. Take it away guys." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok. [playing guitar to the tune of Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA]" }, { "character": "Andy & Erin", "line": "[singing] Hopped off the train in Scranton, PA, another cloudy gray afternoon. Jumped in the cab, here you are for the first time, look to the right see the \"Electric City\" sign. This is gonna be good day, for Dunder Mifflin and Sob-ray. Sab - [guitar stops]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Saber." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Saber. [sings] Dunder Mifflin and Saber. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay." }, { "character": "Andy & Erin", "line": "Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sob-ray. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay. Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sabre. [music stops]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You sure it's saber?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you. Hey, we should be fine if we leave around 11:20." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, you mapquested it. It's four blocks away." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, now we won't get lost. Or we could drive. And that takes one minute." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We found a great local daycare. It's rated really high by all the local parenting websites. But that means it's also really hard to get into." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Turns out, a lot of parents want the very best for their children. That's weird." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're hoping our interview seals the deal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But if not, there's always the army. The infantry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Okay. Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Christian Slater", "line": "So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi. I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "You'll find it easy to embrace the Sabre spirit. Welcome. We're very excited to go on this journey with you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Christian Slater impression] So you've been shown a nonsensical video. You're probably wondering, \"What's going on?\" Well, you're not alone." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Really terrific." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Most of our business comes from selling printers. So don't think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore, but as printer salesmen who also sell paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Perfect." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Don't like that." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "At Sabre, we really encourage honest communication. You should always feel free to express your thoughts, your -" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Talk about vacation days!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "We have a policy here at Sabre where we are, uh, allowed to take two weeks." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "But I banked six weeks." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I already booked a Great Lakes cruise." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, who the hell's going through our stuff?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Actually, that's Nick. He's your new IT guy. Uh, he's setting up a site blocker. Mostly blocking the inappropriate sites. And then there are the time-wasting sites like Twitter, YouTube. We are blocking those as well." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm, nope. Don't like that." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok, did everyone get one? With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles, which are the scourge of the environment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We'll still get to use the little cups, though, right?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Little cups? Like paper or plastic or... ?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know what they're made of." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They're 2 ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok, well, I bet you can fit 20 little cups of water in your aluminum bottle." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what can't fit in a bottle, are the 20 little trips I take to the cooler, and the 20 little scans I do of everybody to make sure everything's running smoothly. And the 20 little conversations that I have with Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's ok." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck ba -" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in line to fill up water bottle behind Kevin and Toby] Really? You don't have enough water in there? Your stomach?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Looks like we kicked it. [indicates water jug is empty]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabre's doing for us." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, I don't get that sense at all from you, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you should have a little. But it's great that you don't, because I am trying to embrace all of these changes, but I'm - I'll be honest, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around a couple of 'em." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Which ones?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All of them." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, I wish that I could do something, but it's kind of policy, you know? Above my pay grade. You know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. I'm good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You know what? Let me see what I can do." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[after entering daycare] Ok, this is officially the cutest thing I've ever seen. Cubbies. I totally forgot about cubbies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's a finger-painting station and a curly slide. Am I too old to go here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Adorable, right? [opens kiddie bathroom, sees man on toilet] I walked in on someone in the bathroom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just walked in on someone in the bathroom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who? The -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. I don't know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The guy we're meeting with?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know, I don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am telling you, there are no strawberries in here." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, I saw them in there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well maybe they ran away, because the pizza was like, [imitating Italian accent] \"Hey, get out of here, you stupid strawberries.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I think when Andy finally asks me out he's going to try to top what he did with the drum line. I can't wait to see what he comes up with." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "The ball's totally in Erin's court. After the whole drum line thing." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[on videochat] First let me say that I told them everything you wanted me to say, in just the way you wanted me to say it, so..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Gabe, honey, I love this. I love the sound of your voice. But I really need some new information now." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok, um, I told the story of your uncle, and I have a feeling that you would have [Michael gesturing behind computer] really been proud of the way... Okay, um..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Wait a minute, who is it? Who's there? Is there somebody in the room with you? [Michael gesturing \"no\"] I want to see who it is. Turn me around." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I don't - it's just..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Turn me around. Now. [Michael starts to leave, Jo whistles] Hey, Buddy. Is it something I said?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. No. My name's Michael Scott. Hello." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh, hello, Mr. Scott. Pleased to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Aw, thank you. I've been working on it since I was a little girl. To, um, to what do I owe the pleasure of this videochat?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I am little concerned with all of these changes, to be quite frank. I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin for quite some time, and -" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott, but the last time I saw a company as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin, it was my grandson's snowball company, so you'll excuse me if I prefer that you all adapt to the way that we do things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. I feel very strongly that you can't just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because... he knows. He'd know what to do." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "So listen, why don't you tell Gabe if by the end of the day you can't handle the changes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have already told him, but I will tell him again if you think that will help." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I would take until the end of the day if I were you. [Michael leaves conference room]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Throws aluminum bottle out of car window, breaks a windshield, speeds out of parking lot]" } ], [ { "character": "Jerry", "line": "Pam and Jim? Hey, I'm Jerry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi Jerry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Jerry." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "Good to see you. Come on in. My office is right back here. This is the play room." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is great. Got to confess, we came a little early, so we got a quick look around, but, uh -" }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "Oh, so you saw it already?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, no. Yes. We saw this, yes. No, it wasn't like a look around. We really just had a peek. Quick peek. Didn't focus on anything in particular." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's lovely." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "[cell phone rings] Oh. Got to take this. Sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do it." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "Okay. Hi, this is Jerry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, you've got to pull it together." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We should just go. He's really uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's uncomfortable because you're acting weird. So you have to stop acting weird." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What if we just bring it up? We just put it out in the open?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's the weirdest possible solution to the problem." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "Sorry about that. Right this way." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre. [rings doorbell] He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by announced. But then again, who is? [loud drumming as door opens] Hey. Hi, sorry." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hope you're not busy doing something." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, you kidding? Come on in. Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You look great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You look great too." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You hungry? I'm just having lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah, that sounds good." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Fantastic. Teddy, look who just stopped in." }, { "character": "Teddy Wallace", "line": "Huh? Hey. [continues drumming]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Wow." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Keep it up, son." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really loud." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Oh, yummy. [David spreads marshmallow fluff on bread] You have got the life, my friend." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I just stay here and never go back?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Things not going so well there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, man. How much time do you have?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Mrs. Wallace", "line": "Hey, honey. How's your day going? Did you do anything cool?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, no, sweetie. I just sort of hung out." }, { "character": "Mrs. Wallace", "line": "Oh, 'cause I saw you had shoes on, so I didn't know if you did anything." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No. Just hanging out, honey. You remember Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. Sorry, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd come by, see..." }, { "character": "Mrs. Wallace", "line": "No problem at all. This is great. So what are you guys up to?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, but maybe, uh - actually, you know, I think maybe we'll go outside. May -maybe we'll go outside. [drumming intensifies] Outside." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "There was one thing we were curious about, uh, your flexibility on things like Easter or Memorial Day, because we might want to change our days around a little bit." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "That seems a bit premature, don't you think? I don't even know if I have a space for you yet, and you're already lining up your holiday plans." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no, sorry. Just, um, we're kind of planners. But we're also flexible too, so you know what? Maybe we can just discuss it when the time comes." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "Yeah, if the time comes, we can discuss it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "Seriously? You told her?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did it? It might have come up while we were waiting for you." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "And you - you thought that might have something to do with how the meeting is going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe, because it doesn't seem to be going super well." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "Well, you didn't consider the fact that it might not be going super well just because it might not be going super well?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope. 'Cause we're really nice people but you don't seem to like us." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "I'm being perfectly pleasant. Did you ever consider that you might not be as charming as you think you are?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, this coming from the guy who still uses a children's toilet? Why didn't you just lock the door, man?" }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "It doesn't lock for the children's safety." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Anybody could have walked in." }, { "character": "Jerry", "line": "It was story time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sabre is changing everything. [Michael and David sitting in hot tub] Site blockers. They don't let us use cups. So I started thinking, who could handle this? Who would know what to do? David Wallace would know what to do. What should I do, David Wallace?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I don't know. I mean, what can you do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly. What are you thinking?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I, I - It's a tough one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is a tough one." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I don't have any ideas for you there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. But one would be good." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey, oh, okay. Wait." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I want to tell you about a business idea I have." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ok? You know how kids leave their toys everywhere? Okay. So this is a vacuum. It's like a shop-vac type of thing. [imitates vacuum] Teaches kids how to pick up their own toys. Right? Baseball gloves, hacky sacks, drumsticks. [sucking noise] Picks it up!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So the kid's making the noise to pick it up." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No. No, no, no. That's the -that's the vacuum noise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You-you don't like it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I think it is-" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, it's ok. Another guy from Dunder Mifflin, Arnie from Research, he's gonna draw up the prototype. And, uh... It's like shop-vac. [sucking noise] Did I say that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It'll be ok." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, any fun weekend plans?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Nothing. It's wide open." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's as hard as I can hint." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey, you know, if you want, I'm sure I can get Arnie on board if you wanted to join us for suck it. Work together again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The what?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Suck it. That's what it's called." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Huh? Catchy. Kids'll love it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of 'em." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "See you later. [hugs Wallace]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Oh, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bye now." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Thank you for coming." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks for having me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's not the David Wallace that I remember. [reverses out of driveway, Wallace follows him] That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace's house. Oh, my god. Alright. Just get me out of here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. [comes in carrying 4 gallons of orange juice and his water bottle] Is anybody home? Oh, thank you, Erin. Now if everyone would please ready their canteens, so I can fill them with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe's homeland, and then propose a toast. Here we go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. That's the best thing? Really? Ugh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm not really one for making speeches." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yes. Yes, you are. You make a lot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But I feel pretty good right now. I really do. A lot better than I did earlier. Let me tell you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's your toast?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. This is my toast. I think this whole thing with Sabre is going to work out. I have a very good feeling about it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, this isn't a toast. You're just thinking out loud." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's my toast. Orange juice is in here. And, like Saber, it is from Florida, and it is good." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Just 'cause you have liquid that doesn't make it a toast." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's the toast. I'm gonna do it now. Raise your container to us and to Sabre." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "To us and to Sabre." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm. Wow. That is metallicy. Ugh. That's like drinking a battery. Ah, really gets you in the fillings, doesn't it? Okay, anyway, welcome." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[singing] Well, it's a mess, what a mess. What you gonna do? You're going to take out your Suck It and you suck it. Suck it. Yeah, take out your Suck It and you suck it." }, { "character": "Teddy", "line": "Suck it!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Teddy", "line": "Suck it!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Teddy", "line": "Suck it!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah! Take out the Suck It and we'll..." }, { "character": "Teddy", "line": "Suck it!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Teddy", "line": "Suck it!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Take out my Suck It and we'll suck it." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah! Teddy!" }, { "character": "Teddy", "line": "Yeah. [high-five each other]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "[on phone] Vancouver Court Hotel, how many I help you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America! I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "Well, we are looking forward to having you, so, let me just pull up your information here..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okey doke." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "Um, I don't seem to have it, sir." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking through Michael's email] I'm not seeing anything under \"confirmation.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Could it be under \"affirmation?\" Cause you have thousands of those." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. [to hotel employee on phone] We're trying to look it up right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You [i]did[/i] get the e-vite to my barbeque!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "Uh, sir? A lot of people are trying to get last-minute reservations at hotels here for the Olympics, but we've been fully booked for months." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, I got it! Confirmation code: XV2RDM!" }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "...Oh, here it is. Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "Uh-huh. Seven nights in our street-view economy single?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it!" }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "Yeah, we changed it since it was a while back. I do apologize." }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "Uh-huh, okay..." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "Yeah, how may I help you Mr. Scott?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, I would like to cancel my reservation, please." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "There is a cancellation fee for this, sir." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, put it on my card." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs, everyone stands to welcome her except Dwight] Why hello!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "This is Michael Scott, co-regional manager of this branch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the \"Mrs.\" just to piss off the new wife. Well, let's take a gander around this place." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Jo's dogs are sniffing at his crotch] These sure are pretty dogs..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "They love a good crotch." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They sure do." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "You should take that as a compliment!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, I do!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "[to Dwight] Hello." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President. Or Judge Judy." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I like that." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "This is Accounting." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Good-looking group." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Another couple of heartbreakers. Who is this tall drink of sun tea?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "That is Jim Halpert, he is the co-regional manager of this office." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "[gesturing to Michael] I thought this guy was the manager?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, he is. He's the co-manager, and that's the other co-manager." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Got some Valentine's cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[as Andy is passing her a card] No, no!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What, no candy?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Erin and I have been on zero dates. So I got her a Valentine's Day card, but I didn't wanna seem \"too eager,\" so I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[throwing a card at Meredith, which skims her throat]: Look alive." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ow! Geez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat!" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa, whoa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa, whoa!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here: Michael handles more of the \"big-picture\" stuff, and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff, so together..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yeah. I think I understand." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Each of you is doing half a job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And sometimes I can hardly handle that!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know. You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Forget the question..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I humbly accept the management position." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I... Why would you just say something like that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you even know what that means?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, I'm gonna let this marinate. So you can go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "You can go on. Shoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "I'm Jolene Bennett, Jo for short. I'm a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys. When I was a little girl, I was terrified to fly, and now I have my own pilot's license. I am CEO of Sabre International, and I sell the best damn printers and all-in-one machines Korea can make. Pleased to meet you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[almost running into Erin] Whoa-oh, traffic jam!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh-oh, traffic jam on route three!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[imitating car noises] Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There's blood everywhere! Um, I got you a Valentine's card." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[opening card] Oh, you did? Aw, a bird and a dog!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, well it's Snoopy and Woodstock." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You named them?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, Charles Schultz did. I thought it was relevant cause I got you all those birds for Christmas, remember?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh, yeah I do remember. [reading card] Aw, they love each other." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, look at that. They sure do. I hadn't noticed." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow, it smells really good too." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! It's Roger Federer for men, I sprayed some in there." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, whoa! Thank you very much!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's got pheromones in it." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "[to Angela, who's having a hard time deciding on a chair] Just choosing seats, not getting married. Chop, chop little onion!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jo, there's books in my chair." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "That's right, darlin', now you're the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company I've never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we know. Texas!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm's reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we're gonna take that arm, and we're gonna start selling printers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I could manage my way around that." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "They're the easiest-to-use printers on the market." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will try to manage my excitement!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have been saying the word \"manager\" a lot, so whenever Jo thinks \"manager\" she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "I think that's it. So we're all good! [many employees raise their hands] Thanks ya'll." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Jo leaves] I, uh..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[reading her Valentine's card from Andy] Oh my God." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But, I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, check this out. According to the handbook, you could make more money as a salesman than as a manager. They have all these incentive programs. I ran your numbers from last year." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is way more than I make now." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, you got a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Exactly that. I think that you absolutely deserve the manager position more than I do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "La la la, hello Oscar!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael. Reading." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you reading?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The Atlantic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I should step into sales myself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why, is there an untapped gay market?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Where did you get that information." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Manual." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Manuel who?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Son of a bitch. [enters conference room] Pardon me." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh, speak of the devil. We were just talking about you. Have a seat!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, I think you're both being a little too modest." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why would you do that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm turning myself in right now!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I'm gonna defer to your judgment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I think you [to Michael] will become the salesman, and congratulations! [to Jim] You're gonna be the new manager of this branch!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[pointing to the window in Michael's office] Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. [hangs up phone] 89... 88..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're twenty minutes late!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[walking up] Um, I was at another dumpster!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just admit you lost track of time." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Did you see Saw?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, uh, the movie. Did you see the movie Saw?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a seesaw." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, the reason these movies are so popular, is the element of psychological torment." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I like where you're going with this. Continue." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have an old barn!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's kinda smelly, but that might be a plus! And then what?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean, we don't kill him, obviously. I have a mask..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie!? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well suggest something else then! Don't just..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's supposed to cut his leg off? Think!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't just criticize my idea!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Think!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You think of something then!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael, I'm worried that, uh, not all your toys are gonna fit on your new desk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How is that possible?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You know, I actually think I should get back to work. Jim asked me to do some stuff, and he's manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? [Michael's phone rings] Michael Scott, head of sales." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The new IT guy. Nick." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Nick." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think he is the key. He's very trusting, he's looking for friends, he has been given an awesome amount of power, and does not know how to wield it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Like Frodo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay dumb jock?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, I think he can be corrupted. Like Gollum." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who's hungry?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say \"Who's hungry?\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. I'm fine. Thank you, though." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why would I wanna do that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "For now, I'm just gonna go back to work here..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Thank you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks, bye. [hangs up phone, blows train whistle] I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called \"Curves.\" I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, we really don't announce out loud our sales that much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why not? It's part of the sales experience." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not really 1992 anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, okay..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[reading Andy's card] You brighten my day with the sound of your voice, you bring so much laughter and love, you're everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Geez louise." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I know, obsessed with me much?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, everyone got one." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What did yours say?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I can't compete with her. That girl can sing, and dance, and gets all of her clothes at the mall. And I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl, cause Andy Bernard is a playboy. And, why shouldn't he be? He's got it all." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ho-ho. There he is, the IT guy. So you discovered the break room." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Uh, yep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "No, I actually don't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "I think that you should call the cops." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry, I just can't give out his password like that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Nick. We could make things very, very difficult for you." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Are you... you threatening me?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Threatening you? No. [tries to crush an aluminum can, Dwight crushes an apple]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, stop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, it's Phyllis." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, this is geological." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And you guys are okay with this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She sent an email, so." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I did." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[has two tissues in his nostrils] It's not cause of the smell. I'm just expecting a nosebleed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh! You scared me!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm sorry, I thought you saw me." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I didn't see you. And you were there all along. [takes papers out of copy machine] Well, I warmed it up for you so, should be good to go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cool, thanks." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Bye, Andy. [kisses his cheek]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "...That was weird." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No it ain't. We all saw the Valentine you gave her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't even know what that card said." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Believe me, if I got that card? We'd be in the bathroom doin' it right... now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, the grass is always greener." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it's what you wanted." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "For the record, I fought this. Alright? And now, I'm not really sure what we do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We make a poster that says \"Happy Opposite Day!\" and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot and they could've just gone and talked to her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Lethal Weapon?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "You two are grown-ass men. What do I have to do, fire you and get two people in here who don't need so much management?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? What I'm saying..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael's saying he's better at being manager, and I agree, cause he's a better people person, weirdly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And weirdly I'm a good dog person, right guys? [dogs go to him] See? They love me." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Fine. I don't care which one of you does which job, just stop meeting with me to talk about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "[cell phone rings] Oh, I gotta take this. Yep. Uh, finish walking my dogs for me. And don't ride 'em. Lotta people try to ride 'em." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Erin leaves room] Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails, I just sent you the following message: \"Coworkers, you may have received a Valentine from me. Please understand this does not mean that I like you in any way.\"" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You don't even like us as friends?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like-like you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are we, five?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "\"Please don't read into this card. Yours in professionalism, Nard dog.\"" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[entering with Erin] Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's n-- that wasn't... I like someone else." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's not... Whether or not, you..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Who, what?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, I guess Andy never liked Kelly. How about that?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, it smells good in here." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin, what about my keyboard? [Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat] Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh! [hits another key, they awkwardly dance together]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[gesturing to Michael dancing in his office] He looks happy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, well, well. Hm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rosston. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he [Jim dunks Dwight's tie in his coffee cup, Pam smiles] what? Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[entering elevator with Ryan] I can't help but think that something we did made this possible." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I would love to. [elevator doors close, then reopen in the lobby] Why not?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is not \"farm boy swill,\" I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I am not interested in anything I have to make myself!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone with a client] I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah, I'm pregnant... Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone with a client] Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin, you're such a gourmand." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think it should be a surprise." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[After Pam has a contraction] Oh, getting there, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no. I still have time." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I cannot wait for that joke to be over." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, you shouldn't have done that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know the baby's not going to live here, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ooh, spooky. But why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because the insurance company only covers two nights." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Everything's fine. We have plenty of time." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[as Nick looks over at her] What are you looking at?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha, nerd." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[with Angela in the break room] Bare my child." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[after Pam has another contraction] That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hold on, hold on. It isn't midnight yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you serious? Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I... Pam, please." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Five minutes apart." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, stop watching me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not until midnight." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[as Andy and Kevin shout \"yeah!\" in response to Michael] Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can we do sleight of hand tricks?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will allow that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! Can anyone do those?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm going to go look at the Internet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[as Pam has another contraction] Oh! Oh, alright. That's a good one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thanks, Kelly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Phyl?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[ as Pam shakes her head] Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can do the evolution of dance-dance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Pam gives the thumbs up] That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... [Pam begins to clap as Andy dances] You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[reading from a book as Kelly admires] \"You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home.\"" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[naming race horses] Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good afternoon." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have a seat." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's been a long time since we've come down here separately." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You know I was thinking..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: [speaking into a voice recorder] Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Agreed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Pam has another contraction] Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you know what? I'm going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He'd probably know..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, please. Happy thoughts here. Happy times." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, happy times. Come on. Let's have happy times." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Um, stimulate the nipples." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I have a shirt like that in my car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We're already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, the opposite of that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Stick spicy food up her butt." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let's go to the hospital. Pam, let's go to the hospital right now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why don't you go do some work?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know, you don't like to be frazzled." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I don't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, and by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ooh, someone's freakin'." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A little frazzled." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think he is." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. [reading from various books] Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Jedediah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jonas." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Jedediah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Warf." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No Star Trek names." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Fine." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What if it's a girl?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes you can." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Absolutely not." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam approaches as he sits in his car] Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. I'm not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, you know me too well." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah? ... Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Everything is fine. You don't have to worry. Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you say \"she?\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn't wait... Oh, God, don't be mad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, we're having a little girl. Oh, man." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Woo, alright. Well, I definitely feel better." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright... Hey, did you change?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, my water broke." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Oh..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[enters the office and has another contraction] Oh, whoa. Ha. Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, it's 4:35." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, not yet, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We can do..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is October feast?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I'll get there. And if I don't get there, I don't get there." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Our ultra feast menu's theme: Hollywood. We have Ratatouille, from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken, from Born Into Brothels. I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I... Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm fine. Um, yeah, the doctor said it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay, Jim. I think this feast is over and it's time to go to the hospital." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Time to go. Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's right, let's do this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's give it a shot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope. No, no, that's better. That wasn't even the worst of them. I'm fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, come on. Let's go to the hospital." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're not that bad still, babe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, Pam, it's time. Let's go to the hospital." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it's passing, it's fine. It's okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, Michael says we should go now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go, Pam. Yeah, I think we should head out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it's passing, it's fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah, no, it passed. It's good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Let's go. We got to go to the hospital." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, I'm not going. I'm not... It's fine. [Jim, Michael and Kevin try to help her up] Okay, come on, come on. No! I am not going! I am not going, okay!? I'm not going today because I can't do it, I don't think I can do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If anyone can do this, you can do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can do this. You can do this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, I'm scared. I'm real scared." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm scared, too." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm petrified." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The best news is, we're going to have a baby today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A really awesome baby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're going to have a baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So let's have it at the hospital." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's do that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How are we doing on contractions?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Two minutes apart." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Two minutes..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, God. Oh, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, I told you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I told you to warn me at five minutes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, we waited too long!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know, I know. It went by too soon." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We waited too long! Two minutes doesn't do us any good. Well, what happened to four and three minutes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're okay, Jim! Okay, Pamela. You know what time it is?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't want to have my baby here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're not going to. You know where you're going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The hospital." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, you are. And you know what you're going to have?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A baby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! We're going to the hospital and we're going to have a baby." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, we're driving ourselves, actually." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive. I will drive you. Check! Got it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, I have my wallet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Go bag's in the car... Keys, my keys, where's my keys?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "There's nothing in it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The hospital provides dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, get away!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I didn't know we had a tape measure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as he holds up the tape measure with his initials on it] \"We\" don't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found 'em. They're here." }, { "character": "Dwight & Jim & Michael", "line": "Here we go!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Good luck!" }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Good luck, Pam!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you! Wish me luck!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Have fun! [sigh]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, it's 5:00!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[entering the elevator] Here we go! Here we go! On our way!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hold it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, Stanley! Okay. We're going now!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, one more!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no! Out, out! Idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, what is the traffic like?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Geesh, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as he peels out of the parking lot and stops] Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What!?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is where I saw that deer last week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right over by that fence." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "By the bushes?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Michael! Focus!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, go, go, go, go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, here we go! You're doing great! She'll be here soon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, just breathe... She? You found out? Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop texting, put your phone away! Come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, come on!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm texting about you, okay!?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ugh, alright. [as he puts a police siren on top of his car] Let's move! ... What?" }, { "character": "Policeman", "line": "Pull over!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Policeman", "line": "Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing various weapons out of the window] You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It has the birth song on it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so what do you want to do?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know! Let's go by the house and get it. It's only twenty minutes past the hospital!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, no! Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. [as he calls Dwight] Ready?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't need a key." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it's under the..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight just listen! It's underneath... [Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, you alright?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you have everything, guys?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, just go park the car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, alright. [he parks in an ambulance zone]" }, { "character": "Hospital employee", "line": "Sir! You can't park here!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dunder-Mifflin. It's okay. [he throws the keys into bushes across the street] I just did." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully faced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Daddy? She's ready to push." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[as Pam screams] Doing great, push again." }, { "character": "Doctor", "line": "Not yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, don't push. Pull. Pull." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Why don't you get more ice chips?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Jim, stay!" }, { "character": "Doctor", "line": "Okay. Really push this time, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby] Okay, not yet, not yet. I'm going to go wash my eyes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That kid's going to have a lot of hair." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, have you guys seen her?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "She hasn't popped yet." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think it's going to be any minute now." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have an ice cream cake in the car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room] Guys? Hello? Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is happening!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're starting, you're kinda losing them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God! Look at her! baby, she's so beautiful! Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[smoking a cigar] Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?" }, { "character": "Doctor", "line": "Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[with Jim, holding the baby] She's incredible. Want to count her fingers and toes again?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there's still twelve on each." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, guys!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eleven pounds..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you! Thank you!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Congratulations. That's great." } ], [ { "character": "Helene", "line": "Hi there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, grandma's back." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Ooh, somebody has a full diaper." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Let me get it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Hello, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "I'm, uh... You know I think, uh, I think it's time for me to go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Love you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Love you, as a friend." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Love you, mom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ooh, I want to hold the baby!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Again, no pants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work [he begins to destroy the kitchen with a sledgehammer]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This man has a gift!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who else here is single?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm not single. I have a man. [she grasps Ryan's arm as Ryan has his hand raised to say he's single]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Who else? Come on! People, I know models!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ha ha, plus size models, maybe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ha ha, you got that right! Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You know it. I am never getting married." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Like Clooney." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andrew, what about you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We were just kids. What did we know?" }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "How we doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Doesn't she sleep here?" }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You've been through a lot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think we'll be okay." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Okay, great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[as the baby yawns] Oh, big yawn." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ready? One, two, three..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "One, and then wrap around. It's okay. Hold that arm down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't. She's too strong. She's, careful, though. You don't want to break it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's not gonna... Just..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I got it. Alright." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nurse!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "How you doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know. I just, I can't tell if she's getting anything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Doesn't feel right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you're pushing the milk out, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How does one do that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wasn't it... It's kinda like a... Like that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you want to try it, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you're good. Doing a good job." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Somebody buzzed?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! Really? Must have sat on it, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Even if she's not getting anything?" }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we're in the nursery." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. I read in the book about nipple confusion." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Oh, good. You know everything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's just, she's really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's going to be alright." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe it'll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ha ha. No, yeah, that will be good." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[in Michael's office] You wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, boy! ... What's that sound?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[as he appears from behind the door] Ta-da!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like you to meet your new boyfriend." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know what to say." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Erin, would you have lunch with me?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael, could I talk to you privately?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure. Kevin, please leave." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. This is going to kill Kevin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm sure he'll be fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him... I bet his heart is enlarged, though." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't want anyone to die." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just don't let him sit on you... I'm kidding. You'll have fun. It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is. Go to him." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She touched my shoulder." } ], [ { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hi." }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Dale", "line": "Hi, so sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Careful... Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You see that? I'm pretty sure she's... Hi." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Continue to destroy the Halperts' kitchen with hammers]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Did you grow up around here?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botony class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botony class. And then, uh, they would say things like \"Oh, this guy's going to fail this class,\" or, \"What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?\" And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, \"Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.\" ... Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and... I was jealous." } ], [ { "character": "Hospital employee", "line": "Uh, hi, Pam Halpert?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Hospital employee", "line": "Hi. I'm Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, yeah, that would be great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup. Really great. When's she available?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let's see what we're working with." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, uh, biggest thing, besides not being able to get her to latch..." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I'll get that for you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thank you. Is that um, I can't tell if I'm really producing. I don't know if she's getting anything." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Okay. Let me feel here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah, it's quite full. Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Uh, does that hurt?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I mean, it feels... pressure." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you sure it doesn't hurt?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. It just feels like pressure." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Okay, well. Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? Like that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Stimulate it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Alright, so you just want to do that, and that will, uh..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "And you can just... The baby should grab on to that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think she will." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. So, I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We'll figure it out." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "It doesn't... Why don't you bring your baby over here... She's beautiful." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Aw, thank you." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yes, congratulations." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Please do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, shoot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shoot, she fell off." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, uh, try the torpedo thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Will you just, will you grab Clark real quick?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No need. I saw him do it. I can try it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it'd be weird if you did it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I'll just go get the other guy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] Hey, what's up, kid?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I look forward to it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very well." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Goodbye." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[trying to sleep as the baby cries] Jim, Jim, get her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Get the baby. Get her. Come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Sshh. I know. [hands the baby to Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! She latched! She latched." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's amazing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the \"C thing.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's awesome." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw, we're doing it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "that's great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're really parents now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I have really enjoyed our time together." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, me too." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I want to continue working on our friendship." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Really, really fun." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, me too." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And, you're my friend." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And I hope that I'm your friend... And, maybe..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You said she liked me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I've dumped better than Erin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Lynn was as hot as Erin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you... Yes, Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[he hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant] Ow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kev... Nice. Going." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well..." } ], [ { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "Knock knock." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey, Isabelle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "Hey. Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh, let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweety... Oh, my God! Wrong baby!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my gosh." }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "[waking up] Oh,has she been fussing long?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, not at all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect." }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "I was out like a light... Oh, she's not hungry..." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "How's it going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ha ha ha." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00?" }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Yeah, you can. It's 2:35." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Half hour." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Twenty five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, car seat's right there." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "That bottom part needs to go in the car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be... Can we get a late checkout? I don't... I don't think she heard me." } ], [ { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "[entering the Halpert house] Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Isabelle. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so..." }, { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "Wow, ha. New cabinets." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "All I did was bring macaroni and cheese... Where's the fridge?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this." }, { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "Oh... Well, I'll let you get back to it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun." }, { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha." }, { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright. I'll call you, kid." }, { "character": "Isabelle", "line": "Do that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you really sure we should be leaving?" }, { "character": "Hospital employee", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you hear the baby crying, right?" }, { "character": "Hospital employee", "line": "Mm-hmm... Where's your car?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, it's in the lot." }, { "character": "Hospital employee", "line": "Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right, okay. Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, please hurry." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, good." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "The fax says \"Erin, will you have dinner with me?\" from Andy, and the number is our office fax number." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You read the fax." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm... I'm asking you out." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, it's a date." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes. Do you have a day in mind?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, what day? What day?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Everyday is fine. Or..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, that, what's that one?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thursday?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay. Let's do it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Hospital employee", "line": "Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, sorry." }, { "character": "Hospital employee", "line": "Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, alright, thanks... Okay, do you want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay... Okay, let me... Just you and me. Come on. There we go... Yeah... Oh, yeah. Like that. There we go. You got it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Five tickets on the windshield... Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi. We did it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You used my move, didn't you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I used a variation of your move." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today... I think I'm going to be sick..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Two forms of ID, please." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And now you, two forms of ID, please... Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature... What is it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Alright. How would you like to celebrate?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... [Jim and Pam walk in to their house with the baby] I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days. I'll be out of your hair." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra! [Grabs and pours Kevin-esque scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket] Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't want to bring my friends, why can't it just be the two of us?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Because it's St. Patrick's Day, people go out in groups." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well why don't you invite your friends?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why are you being so weird about this?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Stop fighting. Just on St Patrick's Day, okay? Just one perfect day a year. No hassles, no problems, no kids." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why no kids?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, where are your kids?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Welcome back, \"Dad!\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, thank you!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Welcome back Tuna!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey... [reveal Dwight's Mega-Desk]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that, thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do we got here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mega-Desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Command central." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hm hm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Surveillance, gaming- and business." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. [Pulls desks apart] Just gotta..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Come on! Jim!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But ... I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh, I love this, so much fun! There's such team spirit in this room! 'Morning Darling!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Morning!" } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while. But I'm leaving it in the very capable hands of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Oh I'm gonna miss this place. And the snow! Hoo, my dogs love peeing in that snow! Makes me think they're onto something." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh good morning sweetheart." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Morning, honey-pile." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I'm sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "[pulls out glass cube with coal.] Is that a lump of coal?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Have I been that naughty?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Err, thank you very much. We, we don't get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I'm used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you've ever tasted." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm, that sounds great, actually." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, you got a place to stay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin go braugh!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy go braugh to you! Nice kilt!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks. It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to \"How I Met Your Mother\" that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. [re-enters bullpen from kitchen.]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. [hangs up phone]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No-no-no-no-no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[swats over various photos and knickknacks, points at paperwork] Is this yours or mine?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good Lord! [Photo of Cece on Jim's desktop] I can't believe I'm missing this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night, like a half snarl, half smile? I get the sense that she's very ironic." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Love you. We'll talk soon. [hangs up phone]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is. Big time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pretty amazing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh it's tough being here for a lot of reasons." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that what happened to you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's a common mistake." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey! [Erin sneezing at desk] Are you sick?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, no I'm fine, I just have a little indigestion." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "In your nose?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes. [Angela returns to desk and puts embroidered breathing mask on]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm a little sick but I don't want to miss my date with Andy. I'll get better. Whenever I'm sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once, when I was in the hospital from age three to six." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Now, after all the talking I've been doing. It's your turn. This is a town hall meeting. I want to hear what you all sound like." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a great idea JB." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Thank you. You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper? That wasn't invented by some fancy engineer. No, that was created by a lowly typist." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jo, I have an idea, for suntan lotion - soap." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "You know it doesn't have to be an invention." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I have a question." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, homosexual accountant." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "In the training manual it says, that there is a minority executive training program in Tallahassee?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I am so proud of Sabre's \"Print In All Colors\" initiative. Any Sabre employee of color, is welcome to apply. [Kelly applauds] Daryl?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Daryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Okay hush now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, but printers and paper ship differently. It'll be faster to deliver them separately, instead of waiting on everything to come in." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "But you wouldn't need more trucks?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Not at all. There's a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh look at you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We're very proud of you. You know what, we're gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "[Looks over his proposal] I like this Daryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yeah. Take Jim's old office." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yeah, I want to hear more from you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody's mind? I'm leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no! Say it's not so, Jo, we're gonna miss you, we're gonna miss you so much!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yes, well okay. Florida ain't that far away." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I am heading down there." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, anytime now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about July 4th weekend? [Reveals paper ticket]" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh honey you didn't buy a ticket?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh honey. I'm not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and -" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Enough!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, everybody, just try to put a brave face on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Hmmm." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[singing] Moving on up, to the East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now. You are stressed, and I'm taking you to lunch." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No is not an option." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yes it is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Well if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] I'll be over there." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I'm actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Whispers] Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My headphones are broken." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I listen to my music at a low volume?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah that's great. Great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay? [Unplugs cord, sings] \"The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Overlapping] When's the last time you upgraded your printer?" }, { "character": "D", "line": "\"- and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don't know when-\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Whispers] Please stop that!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"-But we'll be together then-\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can you grow up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"-Dad, you know we'll have a good time then.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Turns off Dwight's music] Whether it's this time or next time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Vocalizes and continues song] \"The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[On business call] Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy & Dwight", "line": "[Singing, Dwight supplies beats] \"Little boy blue and the man in the moon.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, we definitely can talk about it in the next--" }, { "character": "Andy & Dwight", "line": "\"When you coming home Dad?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, can I call you back?" }, { "character": "Andy & Dwight", "line": "\"I don't know when-\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That would be great, thank you." }, { "character": "Andy & Dwight", "line": "\"But we'll get together then, we're gonna have a good time-\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[On phone in hallway] No, I know I need to work, I just- I feel weird not being home." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am not surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "This fax came for you. [Coughs]" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh no no no! Are you feeling ill?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh no honey, if you got a bug, I want you to go on home. I can't have you getting Callie and Jo Jr. sick. These dogs have got to be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yeah, but you sound like death, girl. Now why don't you go on home and take care of yourself and get in bed. And shred that and have them send me a clean fax, okay?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well... [Jo closes door on her]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "She should go home. It's not the end of the world. We'll go on our date next week. She's still gonna like me in a week. Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you. [Turns feint]" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh! You're sick! [Andy coughs] Dangit! That's exactly why I sent that receptionist home." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, no, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Get everybody sick in the office." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I have some good ideas..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "We don't need any heroes here honey. It's time for you to get on home now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "You'll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very nice." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Not bad, huh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I impressed her with my good ideas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Now Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. All right." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Hey there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well there's chatting time and there's working time. I'm still on working time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, if you feel like you've done a solid days work..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right. What?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm. mm. Oh well." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Anything else I can help you with?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. That's super-clear-ish. [Exits, closes door, takes off coat.] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Pack-man." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hey what's up, Butt-plug?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How you doing stud? You already there?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Dude, I've been here since three! I've boot and rallied twice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How's the lady situation?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Oh here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Maybe next year." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Maybe next \"queer.\" Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Opens door, surprised] Oh! Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm in my jammy-jams!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's okay, I'm in my \"worky-works.\" You look amazing!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, thanks. Come in!" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh I'm in." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm in." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "All right. [The four of them get out of chairs to run out, Jo exits her office. They retreat.]" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. [Scoffs] You do it by working hard. Or marrying rich. I did both!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. [Jim is silent] No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. [Whistles \"Cat's in the Cradle\" song]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening [phone rings] I have..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Jo, it's Jim Halpert. I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client. And it's so weird, because we never have meetings after 5pm. But I was hoping that maybe just this once, it would be okay." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know I will. And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Sorry Sugar. What'd you want?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I'm just gonna reschedule for next week." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[pops back into Jo's doorway] Thanks again by the way." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey! What are you fellas doing up here?" }, { "character": "Warehouse guy 1", "line": "We're here to bust you out!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I wish, but uh-" }, { "character": "Warehouse guy 1", "line": "Dude! Your shirt tucked in?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh. Yeah, um, I must have did that when I was in the bathroom. All right then, uh, let me get to it." }, { "character": "Warehouse guy 1", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Warehouse guy 2", "line": "See you later." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Your hand's cold." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It is? I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, have some more blanket." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, thanks." }, { "character": "Reid", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You're awake. Andy, this is my brother, Reid." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't know you had a brother." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's my foster brother." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, any brother of Erin's is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you. Andy Bernard. [They shake hands]" }, { "character": "Reid", "line": "Cold hands. [Takes spot next to Erin on love seat]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are we rotating seats, or?" }, { "character": "Reid", "line": "Oh yeah, you're the guest. Take the easy chair, best seat in the house. Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey! My feet aren't smelly, they smell like roses. Smell them! [puts her feet in his face]" }, { "character": "Reid", "line": "Ooh! [Erin giggles]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent or-?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right. Formative years. [She laughs]" }, { "character": "Reid", "line": "Nice skirt." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, it's a kilt." } ], [ { "character": "Night cleaning crew", "line": "Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry. [They retreat. Pan around office still full with staff.]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, I'm anxious to get off work. But let me be clear. It's not to celebrate St Patrick's Day. It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Overnight all my damn bags home. I'm carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. I've had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How late do we have to work tonight?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead! [Laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello Jo." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Anything I can do for you Puddin'?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sorta late. It's 8:30. And it's St. Patrick's Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "All right then." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day. [Starts to leave office] And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I look forward to that too." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ooh. It's coming down out there." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes. Thank you, for coming all the way here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm so sorry I was so sick. [Andy leans in. She leans in. Reid appears in background. Erin kisses Andy on the cheek.]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah. Oh great, now I'm gonna get sick. [They both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me, excuse me. Hey guys!" }, { "character": "Meredith & Creed & Oscar & Matt", "line": "[cheering Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Drinks are on me!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No! No, no no! Put your credit cards away. Drinks are on us!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh -hoh! All right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, \"Don't worry, be happy.\"" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Whoops! [Humps Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay, all right. Best night ever. [Meredith joins behind Packer] What the hell is going on back there?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. We should be able to have that right over to you by Monday. Yeah no problem. [Reveal Jim behind Quad-Desk] Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What the hell is this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is not Mega-Desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then aren't we? [Dwight's phone rings. He crawls into nook under Jim's Quad-Desk]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, Dwight Schrute?" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. [holds up photo] Do you know who that is?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt, jeans..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is he you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where did you take that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In my condo complex." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, that's right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure. That they should do one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[feigning accent] Hey, Jim, Jim - where, where do I find the Black Pearl?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who's that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "John Dillinger." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Captain Crunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "At the Yankees game. Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Well, it wasn't him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I had a little better reason to believe that... You're right. You're right. Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...in your condo complex." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "M. Night Shulman?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[speaking at a staff meeting] First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like -" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "When are we getting to sales topics?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company... are not here yet. But will be.. [muttering, people rise to leave] No, no, meeting's not over." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No sales topic per se." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well then no Andy Bernard per se. [Andy and others begin exiting the room]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like your undivided attention, please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You couldn't handle my undivided attention." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen, Michael - about what happened earlier." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When I was asking about the leads." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "M-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "... is there any news on the leads?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is that all you have to say to me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! [leaves office] Alright, Dwight out!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hm-hm. Do you not answer e-mails anymore? Because I've e-mailed you four times asking you to come to my desk." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Honey, if I don't have time to answer an e-mail, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big cheque. [Jim stands in corner, texting]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, sorry, wait one second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is actually a big potential sale, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You writing your memoirs over there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You writing your name over there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's a pretty big check." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's good. You know, with the kid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Don't gloat. Here's the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, here we go. [taps page] Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just saying, that -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael - [Michael signs] Great." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on phone] Very nice. Let me just, let me just write that down real quick. [motions to Darryl] Pencil? Can you give me that pencil? Hang on Teddy... [covers phone] I'm making a sale. Sales." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There's other pencil's in this office." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Give me that [wrestles with Darryl, Andy falls over chair and to the floor]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Honey and jelly sandwich time. [removes lunch from fridge]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you got to be kidding me. [holds up squashed sandwich] Look at that. That's -" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I know who did that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You saw who did this and you didn't stop them?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Didn't have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The sales department smashed my sandwich." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes. All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't get it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You need to get back on top." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she said." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Something came for you, Michael. [hands him a parcel]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What'd you get?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, just the stupid leads." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "About time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Me likey!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Finally, Michael. Hand 'em over, numbnuts. [Michael stares at her incredulously] But seriously. It's your job to give us those leads." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim... I think I am not going to give these to you. [Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We need those leads, Michael. It's our job Michael. Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[on phone] Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Michael, I don't want to incentivise murder. But - we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They act like I have no power." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "But you do. You are in charge -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "- of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly that." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly that." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Why do you keep repeating - [Michael hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed! [hands him a lead]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What are you -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "- and to King Meredith! [hands her a lead]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "They aren't salespeople!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And to King Angela! [hands her a lead] Because today we are all kings. And queens [pats Oscar's shoulder]." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What the hell do you think you're doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm giving them the leads, Phyllis." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So I'm going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one's going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. So why don't you just give me my share of the leads, and I'll start making some calls?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [passes Jim some index cards]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ahh, these aren't leads. What are they?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think you understand -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do understand it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[holds up card] This one's a map." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Or is it?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Are you gonna give me the leads or not?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'll give you the leads. But you know what? It's going to cost you some clerical work [hands her a mountain of paperwork]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What are these for?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you're done, you can watch me shred them." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I want to watch the Kardashians! I don't want to watch boring -" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's my -" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "The Kardashians is a good show." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No it's - how would he even know the Kardashians?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's about a family. A real-life family." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, Stanley, do you -" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[over phone] Hey baby, what's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing but vomit and diapers over here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my god, I couldn't envy you more." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies [holds up index cards] - that's just unfair." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "How about this one - 'When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place.'" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He means his mopey place, it's under that streetlamp that he thinks was in Casablanca." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I love you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. [cuts to Jim fishing one of the leads out of a catering size tin of Ravioli] A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally [clue next to Jim reads: 'Now that's Italian!'] Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing [cut to scenes of chaos as everyone argues] Some people shouldn't be in this business." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. [grins] I hid the leads." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key, Andy begins to walk away] Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. [Andy hovers his hands above her chest] Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Lower." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Lower [tilts head toward her desk, then flips over her keyboard, revealing the leads. Andy scratches his head, recovering]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing, idiot? [Jim is crouched down, peering under a car]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael's stupid scavenger hunt." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. [grabs card] 'The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.'" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[taps car] Lincoln." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[holds up the retrieved lead] It involves you too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The leads are in?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, bigshot, 'If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes'." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin! Damnit [runs over to Kevin's desk] Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C'mon -" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You are never going to find them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm going to enjoy this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[begins to strangle him] Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[muffled] I'm still enjoying it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where are they?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Turn the trash. Turn the trash." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Turn the trash [releases him - Kevin coughs] It's code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[stands up and reaches for her buttons] Okey-dokey." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, dear god, no, it's in the trash can. In the kitchen." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's coming off anyway." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[dashes to kitchen, overturns the trash can, tastes the bin liner] Clean sack." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What -" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby's baba ganoush." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "If we don't patronise the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and make-your-own salads." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[dives into dumpster, rattling noises then he emerges] It's empty!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait. What day is today?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So, Friday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my god. Oh my god [takes off running] oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey [chases after garbage van] wait, wait!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. You know what, let's just go to the dump, start looking - Ryan, c'mon, shotgun in my car -" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, why would we all go to the dump?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump.\"" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Not your staff, Michael. You." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's not the way it's going t sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you -" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a, falafel?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not going. You did this, not us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit [looks to Jim for vocab-reassurance] Complicit. You were all successories!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I can't. You know that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay fine, I get it. I'll just go by myself." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll go, Michael. You'll just screw it up." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looks around dump] This place has gone to hell." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to Oscar] You're adorable. You need to go for it. [Jim enters the break room] I'm going to be, like, mad at you if you don't -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phew! Can't wait for this day to be over." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just all the - drama." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What drama?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Between the - us and you guys. It's unnecessary, right?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So unnecessary." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I mean, if the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad - did you ever think of that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have new baby pictures." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Don't use your cute baby to make us like you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's wearing a onesie [holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Didn't we kind of start it?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think you're remembering that wrong?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company's changed, and if they don't like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable, and may be heading for something bad?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All those who agree, say aye [all present - Stanley, Andy and Phyllis - raise their hands] All those opposed -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think we need opposed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[kicking through rubbish at the dump] You've changed, man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm talking about your personality, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I'd assistant managed him -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Assistant to the managed him -" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you, going nowhere." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You think you would have done better without me? Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldn't have been hanging out watching karate movies with you -" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kung-fu movies!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies -" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's my wife you're talking about, man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your made-up wife? Who doesn't exist? [Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps] You watch it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't do it [lobs something at Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. [they throw volleys of rubbish at each other] No, time out, time out. [Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight] Time in!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! [lunges for a large wooden spool]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't even think about that [Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[kicks spool] Stop it, get out! That's my spool." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's the least we can do to make this okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll text Pam. She's really good at this stuff." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And I'll text Erin. She's really good at this stuff too." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I guess we could give them some of our new commissions." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That is a dangerous precedent." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Then we're back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I'm for it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay, fine. Cash it is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from far-away beaches\"." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Dwight. Here we go [picks up a sink, spills dump juice on his pants] oh god." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh [half-heartedly throws something]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're never going to find those leads, are we? [they both sit on the edge of a claw-footed bathtub]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[surveys the mountains of trash surrounding them] Wow. Amazing, isn't it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So how about, guys, one percent commission a month instead of two, what do you -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, we agreed, two percent for the quarter. Okay [others enter] Hey everybody!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[stares at the table filled with treats] Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no - this is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is: really sorry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, we wanted to do the right thing. So... [Jim gestures for her to continue]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Way to go, guys. This was an integrity move." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you have any pastries without fruit?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! We do. [opens box] Eclairs." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[enters room] Well, you better be happy, taking two percent of our -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "- two percent milk! What I forgot for the coffee." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Our treats, Stanley, they've accepted our simple offer of treats. Nothing more." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[beams] This is - nice! [pats Oscar's shoulder] All of us back together." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This [picks up racquet] Why would somebody throw that out?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey [holds up an old sweater] You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple, much?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, she does - she loves purple. [Dwight sniffs it] Does it stink?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah [puts it back in the bath tub]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read:" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hope - grows." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In the dump." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[drives into office parking lot, honking horn. Enormous purple object strapped to the roof of their car] Woo hoo!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Good news that you found our leads?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! Better!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have an awesome bean bag chair that's perfect for the break room. [reaches out the window and pats it]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yuck. I'm not going to sit on that disgusting seat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, damn right you're not. 'Cause it's for me and Michael only [they both cheer and high-five]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[at dump] It's freezing out here." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[strips off jacket] Go on. I have warm blood. [tries to drape her small jacket across Andy's back]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh wow, thank you. You're the nicest person I've ever met. [Andy and Erin kiss]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups] Breathe. Work your core. Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How many is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not counting the last one, 25." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Count the last one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, new record!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, what did you do today?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I made a sale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What do we get if we do 'em?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My respect. [everyone returns to work] Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups -" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And one girl push-up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gets to go home. [everyone starts to do push-ups] Ooh! I say 'dance,' they say 'how high?' Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. [steps on Angela] Disqualified!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ow!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do we got? Creed, disqualified." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[from desk chair] Oh, come on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "19. [grunts] I had a really hard work out this morning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Stanley straining and breathing heavily] Oh, wow, that is adorable!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ten..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm betting one more." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Eleven, wow!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[chanting] Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, alright. [chanting continues]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's not exactly fair. He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "One more, one more! [cheers and applause]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You okay? You okay, Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Excuse me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. [applause]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey. Matt, right?" }, { "character": "Matt", "line": "Hey, Oscar. You're here early." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I always come in at 7." }, { "character": "Warehouse Guy", "line": "No, you don't." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well... Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight?" }, { "character": "Matt", "line": "I don't know. I'm free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. [tries to open door, locked] Just a couple of hours to kill before work." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, what's up?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, nice office." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thanks, it's cool. So..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You know what we haven't done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Has that ever happened? Ever?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Didn't we? I think we did." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You want me to invite Matt?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So happy hour." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Happy hour. My pleasure." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So what do you think?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I'd like to try. I'll ask Bob." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats 'em up. What?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "A bunch of us are talking about happy hour." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam's at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, baloney." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ring her up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely, I will do that right now." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I - and I love her. I also love her, very much." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Yes! Yes! I would love to!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ha! Knew it!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[through phone] It's been so long since I've been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley's going to be there. Yes, oh my God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did not see this coming." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. [whispering] Are you going later?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sure, if you are." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Talk to me that way again, and I'll cut your face off." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um... but we're kinda keeping it quiet for now 'cause it's still kind of a new thing. It's a little delicate, and we just don't want all the drama." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, cause when everyone knows- [knock on window, open blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures] That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Quiet." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, boss man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm sorry, I meant later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, yes. Sure." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "For happy hour?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I got that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Trying to get a head count." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, yes! It's a deal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a deal." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I want her to meet Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're both single, I have a sense they might-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You've been gone for a long time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It is not that. Kevin! Oh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah! [hugs Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, how are you?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I missed you so much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Waaah! [starts to make crying baby noises]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what's fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know... that would be funny." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Easy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not a birthday, it's not a good-bye party..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sucks to be you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Would you like to be our fourth?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That would be sublime." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So, the guy shows me the deck he's built. And I'm like, 'I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.' [laughter, Oscar looks toward door] It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is my friend Julie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, how are you?" }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "Good. Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Julie laughs at everything." } ], [ { "character": "Julie", "line": "So you work with Pam and Jim?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired." }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "[giggles] I should hope not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You want to play pool?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Um, I'm gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn't Isabel." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ooh, I love repartee." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Do you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Usually means there's a battle scene coming." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, what do you do?" }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "I am an ESL teacher." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?" }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "Are you thinking that I said 'ESP?'" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome." } ], [ { "character": "Julie", "line": "I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So what do you think?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "About Julie?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's nice." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So you like her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yeah, sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So Pam was right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "About you two hitting it off." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap]" } ], [ { "character": "Hide", "line": "My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I know." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Michael, where have you been? [Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, you're supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why are you wearing a hat now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, come on, I'm on a date. Let me do my thang." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, I'm date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You want to just make a run for it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Waaaah! [Kevin fake-cries into Pam's chest] Waaaaah! Mommy!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is happening?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! What is crackin?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Guys, one second. [on dance videogame]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "We're focusing, we're focusing, we can't talk." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What's this game?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "One second." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, how do you play?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Guys, guys, guys, please. [game ends] Ok, all right, it's all yours now." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Only three tickets." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "If we save 'em up, we can get more than a sticker this time." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Stop telling me how to spend my tickets." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I know, but you wanted the big thing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh I know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They'd be like, 'what's up with those two?'" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "'Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.'" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "'Did we miss the wedding?' Um, I got it-I'll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we'll switch." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes, okay. Yeah, that's smart." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No drama. Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Any brothers or sisters?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Three brothers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Two are in the Marines, one's a cop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Vegetarian?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "No. I love meat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's your blood type?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "O-negative. Universal donor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Universal donor. [startled by Angela, curses]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, guys, guys, guys. [steals a cherry from waitress passing buy] Watch this. Ready?" }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, you don't have to do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[choking] Wow. Oh, wow, that was close." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, you two having fun?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you tell them?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is exactly what I don't want, the drama. I don't want the drama!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I get it." } ], [ { "character": "Isabel", "line": "[Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole] You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whacking moles. Hit 'em on the head. Whack. Say it with me." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Whack!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Extend the fingers more." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Whack!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This looks like a hoot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, monkey, how you doing?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Whack." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen, can I talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look, I've been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don't need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's no worry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I could see enjoying that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You're off the hook." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But we signed the contract." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dissolved. Don't worry, you're free. Okay? Okay. See you later." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We both-you didn't dup-" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael playing air guitar on pool table] Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he's not normally like this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe it should come from a man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe it should come from a note... with flowers...tomorrow." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Michael, why don't you just get down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, she can tell I'm on a date, right? Right? I'm just having fun." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Ted, are we having fun?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? You told on me. That's lame." }, { "character": "Bouncer", "line": "We got a problem?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Homelessness. What?" }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "All right, go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Get out. Now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I'm just kidding around. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, um, why don't we just finish the game? Michael, it's your shot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She can't talk to us that way." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You guys are stripes, I think..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It stopped." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I am starting it again!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Then I am sorry that I didn't kick you out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Well, uh, I'm the manager here, sir." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don't see that from you." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Is that how you do it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is. I am writing a book about it." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Really? How much have you written?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've written all of it... in my head." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you're really interested, it's called 'Somehow I Manage' and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca's? It's a classic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Dude, tonight! You're not going to want to put it down. It's gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I own a Chrysler." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Shut up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you shut up." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "What's your drink?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Grenadine." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Andy sits at table with another woman] Hi." }, { "character": "Girl at table", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't normally do this, but..." }, { "character": "Girl at table", "line": "Do what?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh] Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Andy spits out his drink] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What we said to do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I was flirting with a man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Get in here. [Andy and Erin go into photo booth] Where did you learn to talk like that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "The movies. I don't know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "You have a card?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did. I actually put it in your bowl." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Stanley Hudson?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson's in here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He is I." }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "You just won yourself a lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Julie", "line": "I think I'm gonna go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry, he's not usually like that." }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "What's he usually like?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's more, just... like... you can go." }, { "character": "Julie", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See ya. Nice girl." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Julie! You having fun? [Julie leaves]" }, { "character": "Bar Manager", "line": "So... when are you coming in for that free lunch? You're gonna want to come in on a day that I'm working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I couldn't understand a word he said." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky." }, { "character": "Matt", "line": "Hey, what's up?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There he is! Hey, hey, hey." }, { "character": "Matt", "line": "Anyone up for some hoops?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sure. Hoops!" }, { "character": "Matt", "line": "Let's do it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hoop it up, right." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is not what I want my relationship to look like. [holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[over PA] Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughs] You love drama." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "With this move, he can't get you." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, please. I wish he'd come after me. I would be like-aaah!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sh-what?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. [trying to talk over her] Blah blah blah blah!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did he not tell you that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're really putting me in an awkward position here." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela, not here!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Whack! [Isabel smacks Angela on forehead]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You'll see me in small claims court!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are an impressive specimen." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Thank you. [Dwight and Isabel kiss]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[crying] Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn't give me a refill." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh-oh, gosh. Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You all right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, we have to get home." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually, you didn't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not at all." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I did. But I can't take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Tell 'em your story, Hide." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Cookie Monster", "line": "[Kevin's voice] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them. [all laugh]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is awesome!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you. It didn't even take that long." }, { "character": "Cookie Monster", "line": "[Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga, [Kevin arrives behind the group] a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This isn't funny. I don't talk like that. [all continue laughing]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Say \"Me eat cookie.\"" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No. I won't say it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's Kevin as Cookie monster from Sesame Street." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I love that show." }, { "character": "Cookie Monster", "line": "[Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Good work, buddy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Me, too Oscar." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "C.C. me" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Angela, this is inappropriate." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is my favorite day." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. [Andy unfurling a giant \"Happy Secretary's Day\" banner by reception, placing a teddy bear on Erin's chair]. Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Here you go." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[hands Erin a basket of beets]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[as Halperts arrive] Welcome back!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?... It rocked. It rocked my ass off." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[at her desk, grabs her plant and sees it dried up, looks at Jim] Oh. You couldn't have watered it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I literally did not know that existed until this moment." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's nice to see you again, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[arrives at Michael's office and sits] I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to give Erin $15." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A one-on-one lunch with Erin?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. [Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear's arm at Michael]." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's kind of a rube." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[slams his hand on Michael's desk] That's my girlfriend you're talking about." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'll take her to lunch." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[taping desk] She's gonna be so psyched." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks over to Erin's desk] Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, happy Boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...[Erin snaps a picture of Michael] lunch." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Just the two of us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Hayworth's is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I'm..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth's, but..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, we'll figure something. [Michael turns and starts back toward his office]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around] Okay, let's go to Hayworth's." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[cheerfully] Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[sitting at kitchen table with Darryl] Have a cookie, Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, haha. Tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I brought those in. It's my birthday. That's some stone-cold narcissism right there." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Man, Darryl, I'm sorry. [pats Darryl's back] Happy Birthday." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you. [Kevin grabs cookie and starts eating it]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[as Cookie Monster] Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[again on laptop as Cookie Monster as he shows Gabe the video] Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "This is violent and offensive." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you. [computer continues] It really makes me self-conscious about my voice." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "It's awful. [reaches for tissue box, hands it to Kevin]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm not crying." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You have some food on your face." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[on computer as Cookie Monster] Do my hands feel sweaty to you? [Kevin grabs a tissue and wipes his mouth]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or e-mail this around." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "And that's straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all. Ciao." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in his car with Erin driving to lunch] Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shakes head, annoyed] I don't know." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I would have chosen the 1490's." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahhh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "'Cause America was discovered." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right. [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[at lunch] And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don't know, I couldn't keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. [Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed]. So it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "An age or month?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "How many pillows do you sleep on at night?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So how are things going with Andy?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah I love that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh." }, { "character": "Hayworth's waiter", "line": "Here we go. Hot plate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Hayworth's waiter", "line": "And your salad, miss." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why wouldn't he tell me that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "They had sex?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They were engaged, so... [Erin looks shocked] Okay, you know what, sir?" }, { "character": "Hayworth's waiter", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles?" }, { "character": "Hayworth's waiter", "line": "Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uhhhh, they were engaged?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm. Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[face looks disgusted, moves around uncomfortably] Uh-oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[moans, pulls hair over her face]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing? What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "In the Foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[breathes heavily, groans]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[turns to other restaurant patrons] I'll have what she's having!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in Michael's car] Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[feels a pain in her breast] Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, don't be gross." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, he's right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[removes jacket, applies hand sanitizer] All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm. [walks into bathroom, Meredith is using her brest pump] Meredith!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I just like the way it feels." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you doing?!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Just relax. Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Relax?!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "This is like the Cadillac of pumps." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Give it back to me now." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Okay, I was just warming it up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's disgusting!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's not a big deal." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's not sterile!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "We're both girls. Who cares?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So... how was lunch?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Lunch was fine." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know. It was lunch, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I know. [stammers] Just want... I mean... [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Erin? I think we're out of fax cover sheets." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[using a Cookie Monster voice] \"My name is Kevin, I'm an accountant.\" See I did the voice." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's a little derivative." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But parody is always derivative." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, it's not organic. Do you know what I mean?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim does a really good one. Do yours." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. \"Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall.\"" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies.\"" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so.." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Specific shout-out.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop talking." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote [starts to use a British accent] a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three.." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[throws a piece of cake at Andy's face] I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can we talk about this in private?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't want to be in private. Is it true or is it not?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no never." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah pretty much." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who are you?! I don't know you! [pushes someone away to leave]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would've told you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So if you need anything, I'm right over there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[imitating Cookie Monster] \"Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful.\"" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it. I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? What do you mean, suspend me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you need to go a little easy. You can't just suspend someone form work." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah, you're right. You know what? Um, you're suspended too Jim. [Dwight starts to clap] Ok fine. You too Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I don't want to hear it. Suspended." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "\"C\" is for suspension." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like.. that's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was going to tell her, just on my own time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Psst. Hey. Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You want to talk to me, come to my desk." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You embarrassed me earlier." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. Take it up with the chief of police." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I want to throw up just thinking about it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You are throwing up for the wrong reasons!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[standing behind Erin] I don't think this fax is going through. Is there a different... I can just put it through again, you know." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. And he worked here too." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It was Andy, wasn't it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I hope you find what you're looking for." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. [kisses Jim on the cheek]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[talking on the phone] So I can reprimand them but I can't suspend them. Oh I can't do either. Uh huh. Fair enough." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[answers phone] Hey Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in, but he can't dock your pay. That's not legal." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Very interesting." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, I also learned some interesting things about how they structure..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Gabe walks in] Thanks Toby." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I'm glad I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what's really important. [Pam hands Jim a note] It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[gets up and walks towards Gabe] Prideful idiots. Watch how it's done. [Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave] Gabriel, I apologize." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[gets on one knee] I kneel before you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[following Jim and Pam to their car] Guys, to err is human. [trying to block their car]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How long were you guys together?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A year." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "A year? You were together for a year?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't see that movie." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[walking back into the office] That was ugly. I'm sorry you had to see that." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Do they still get paid?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sounds like they just got to go home with pay." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Pathetic." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Can I buy everyone coffees? [everyone shakes their heads] [in Cookie Monster voice] \"Or cookies.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[imitating Gabe] Uh guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm one of the gang." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.\"" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "\"Ciao\" Right? \"Ciao. I say Ciao because I'm fancy from Tallahassee.\"" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? [everyone says ciao]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[sitting on bench outside groaning]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I can't trust Andy anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Yep. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's Andy's fault." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I like his butt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You said butt." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You tricked me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him: \"Hey! Hey Scott!\"" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar's voice from the computer", "line": "Hey Kevin it's Oscar. I'm looking at the sheet you sent me. And I can't seem to find the column for shipping cost." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I made the most brilliant retaliation video. It's awesome." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't get it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. \"I vant to count to ten\"." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But you're an accountant too." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That would have been funny." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking up] Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? \"Oscar. I am the Count.\" Nailed him. Nailed him. [Gives Kevin a fist pump] Good work Cookie Monster." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Buenos dias, Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Buenos dias, Miguel. [phone rings] Hello, Dunder-Mifflin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. Solamente en espanol, por favor." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country should learn how to speak Spanish. They are our neighbors to the South, and this would be a healing thing for... for all of North America. And... I am going on vacation next week to Cancun." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Buenos dias, Jaime." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Buenos dias, Miguel. Como estas? Bien? Claro que si! Yo estoy fantastico. Que pasa?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ha ha! Buenos dias, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Guten tag, Herr Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very good authority that within 20 years, everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "La telefona." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "El telefono." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael's having a hard time with the gender part of Spanish. So I told him to mark everything with the international symbol for gender. And, um... [holds up two blurred-out drawings of male and female genitalia] I should have been more specific." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Your office is full of genitalia." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] Oh. Eso es lo que dice, el!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "\"That's what he says?\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Damn it. [knock on door] Ah, Angelo." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Angela. [Michael sticks post-it on Angela's forehead with female genitalia] Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yo soy Cancun." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[removes post-it, leaves] Uhh!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, so I'll finish up on bulk pricing, and then you go into delivery guarantee." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, maybe there's an opportunity for a joke there, like, um... like, [vaudeville delivery] \"I just delivered a baby. They didn't offer me a guarantee.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, or maybe we don't even need that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you smell the power of the Halperts? Power couple." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? I should be getting this client, Michael. My numbers are better than either of theirs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I went with the people I thought would put the best face on the company." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you want people to put the best face on something, why would you get two people who probably never cut the face off of anything in their lives?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispers] That's a good point." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is our first joint sales pitch. I think we're gonna work really well together." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah I think we have complimentary strengths. We understand each other." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We have good give and take. [vaudeville delivery] I give, he takes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering] I don't even know who you are anymore." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[vaudeville delivery] Yee." } ], [ { "character": "Donna", "line": "Hi, uh, Donna Newton, here to see Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hey, Miss Newton. Hi, I'm Jim." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Hi!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did somebody order a hooker over here?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "[laughing] Oh, stop that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. How are you?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's this woman I met a few weeks ago. Her name is Donna, the manager of Sid & Dexter's and, right now, we're in the midst of a passionate love affair. Um, no. But she is coming by today. Maybe to buy some printers, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right here, we have the wonder twins, Jim and Pam Halpert. They will be assisting you today." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You look exactly alike." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no we're actually married. We're not brother and sister." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "I have a sense about these things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You have some ancestors in common... somewhere back." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I knew it. You should see their baby." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[explaining PowerPoint to Donna] So, yes, laser printers are more expensive. But they cost less to operate [knocking] So it's a tradeoff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[barges in] Hi." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hold on one second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt. Do you, Donna, by any chance shop at Victoria's Secret?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I keep getting these magazines sent to me via the address of the woman who used to live in my condo before me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "None of this is time sensitive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yes, uh, the sale is on now through May." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh, yeah, thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I have more of them." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You would have weekly conference calls with executives in corporate. A two-week training program at the Yale school of management, obviously you would be high on the list for advancement opportunities." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Sounds all right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, this is \"Print in All Colors,\" Sabre's minority executive training program." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It doesn't just sound a'ight, it sounds amazing." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I didn't say \"a'ight.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How do I apply?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You have to be a minority." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, glasses wearers. Cholera survivors. Geniuses. Non-organic family farmers. The list goes on and on. You want me to keep going?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Those don't really count. We're thinking more ethnic and racial minorities." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come here. Come here." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ten seconds ago, this guy was driving a forklift. Okay? Now all off a sudden he's Cinderella of the office. What are you guys thinking?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I like the sound of this. [looks at Dwight] Maybe one day I'll be sitting in Michael's chair. Wouldn't that be something?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One minority from this branch is going to get into this program. Who would I refer? Hmm... the competent, hardworking one who does things his own way, or the malleable simpleton who can be bought for a few fashion magazines?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[on phone] This is the second time that you've sent me the wrong size. I mean, I know what a four feels like. I've been a four my whole life. You know what? You can go to Hell. All right? Thanks for nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man. White people, right?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know if she was white." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, you can kinda tell from the voice." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot, just because of your race." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think you should consider applying for the executive minority training program." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Never thought of myself as an executive before." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know, 'cause you have no role models. How many Indian CEO's can you think of?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I can't think of any CEO's, any race." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You could be the Indian Bill Gates. You could be the Indian Ted Turner." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I could be the Indian Julia Roberts." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not... she's... okay. Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I took the liberty to scan a few things earlier, and I want to show you... there we go! [Michael's picture pops up on the PowerPoint screen] Whoa, look at those vivid colors. Look at my eyes. Those are Shrek-green eyes. That is me again. I think this displays the crisp, dazzling white." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that would be a display [image from a catalog of a man wearing only white boxers pops up] of the crisp, gorgeous black." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's subtle. That's how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. And then she looks at me, then back at me, then back at the image. Soon, she doesn't know what is me, what is the image. She just knows that she's turned on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a place that I like to go to be alone with my thoughts. I've never taken anybody there before." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Who took the photo?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh. [Michael quickly advances PowerPoint show to last slide which is \"SEX\" in bold white letters on a black background and then exits the show quickly]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that's it. That's me. That's who I am." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "[giggles] Not bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thanks. [softly] You're not bad, either." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Thank you. [Michael tries t kiss Donna, Donna clears throat] Hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh my God. [realizing Jim and Pam are looking through the conference room windows]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim! Could you come in here for a sec? What was that printer we were looking at?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in his office] You didn't see it, Pam. She was giving me all sorts of signals that she wanted me to make a move. Shortbread?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll have one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, maybe you shouldn't try to kiss people at work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh really, Jim? What about Pam? And you did a heck of a lot more than kiss. Maybe this could be my Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Well, all that is irrelevant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe Michael has a point. I mean, if she was really that upset, she wouldn't still be here." } ], [ { "character": "Donna", "line": "Was it professional? No. But I work in the nightlife industry. I get hit on all the time. In my 20's it would have been annoying. In my late 20's, I find it really flattering." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, I know that I screwed up in there. I know that I probably messed up your sale. I just want to go in and fix it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What if I back out and you finish the pitch with Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just let him flirt with her. People meet each other all sorts of ways." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, you know he's not gonna get anywhere, and he's gonna blow our sale." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who cares? [Michael peeking at them through his office window] It's not that huge a sale." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, the Schwab guy told us to treat every sale like it was a huge sale." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't act like you understood anything that guy said. [pat's Jim's arm] Good luck, wingman. [salutes]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How as being a minority affected you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, there's a lot of pressure from my parents to settle down and marry an Indian guy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, good, and you resent this because..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Indian guys always wear their cell phones outside their pants. It's so dorky." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no, no. That's not dorky. [Dwight wears his phone like that] Look, it's easily accessible. Boom, like this. 911, hello. Scranton Strangler's in the house. Inside the house." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Just put it in your pocket." } ], [ { "character": "Michael & Donna", "line": "[indistinct chatter inside conference room]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[looking it] Look at that. She's totally flirting with him." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You don't know that. Some people can't help oozing sexuality." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You ever notice you can ooze two things: sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "She just crossed her arms together... that's bad." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together to make them look bigger." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[tries it by crossing his arms] Like that? [to Andy]" } ], [ { "character": "Donna", "line": "Is this... is this the best you can do right there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, for that printer, yes. Unfortunately we don't have a lot of flexibility." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh. Well, I guess I'm just used to the restaurant business, [removes sweater revealing her revealing top] where, if you're in charge, then you can always get discounts for the people that you like." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So maybe we could find a little wiggle room, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe wee find some wiggle room?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't... I don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think we could. [Donna giggles]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't see how we could possibly sell these for that little without losing money. Delivery alone will cost..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well sometimes... sometimes it makes financial sense to lose money, right? Like for tax purposes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually, ran the numbers on this, and in this case, it makes more financial sense to gain money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you run them again?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What if she's just flirting with you to get a better price?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If she is, it's working." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, Michael, here's a trick. Ask her if she wants a mint. If she says \"no,\" then she is not interested." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "She does not like him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can flirt with someone to get what you want and also be attracted to them. How do you think we got together?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "'cause I stopped by your desk like 15 times a day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was after your money." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, the joke was on you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, it was." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[typing] Can you stop micromanaging? I know how to do this." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey... what are you guys doing?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This girl was really rude to me at the mall. So I created a fake I.M. account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Tell her everyone in home room thinks she's fat." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, that is so good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, we really should keep practicing for this interview." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, that's okay. Ryan coached me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ryan? What does he know?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's easy... you just turn every question around on them. Do you think you're treated differently because of your race?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Would you ask that same question if I was white? We're so in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"We?\"" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "When I become executive, I'm gonna make Ryan manager." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And then the two of us are cleanin' house." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kelly will be even worse than Darryl. If you'd have told me this morning that today I'd be creating a monster capable f my own destruction, I 'd have thought you were referring to the bull Mose and I are trying to reanimate." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So corporate approval of this contract is contingent upon buyer and seller..." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Operating blahdy blahdy blah. Boilerplate. Pound of fish. [Donna laughing] Just kidding. Do you like mints?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I carry mints with me sometimes. You ever tried those?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh, I haven't tried those. No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're good [Donna grabs mint]" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You want one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "It's like cool... \"certified cool.\" I like how they say \"certified.\" Like there's some consortium of... [Michael grabs the mint from Donna's hand with his mouth, Donna pulls her hand away] Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't stop myself from kissing her." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, now you know how I feel sitting next to those M&M's all day." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, why don't you just move the M&M's?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, why don't you shut up!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, guys, guys, guys. Just tell me it's not totally insane to try one more time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is totally insane." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, he's right. You are turning into a stalker." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. What do you think?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think it's over, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ehh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, some for, some against." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nobody's for." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you think?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... I think it's really, really unlikely." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really unlikely. But I can't say that it's impossible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not saying she's in love with him. But she could have left a while ago. Most printer sales are done over the phone, Ms. Boob shirt." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going with Pam's group." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael. Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, guys, guys, guys. Guys, just... thank you for talking. Wish me luck." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he had just stopped, given up, after two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment. I still would have seen it, but that's not... the point." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kelly is disqualified!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You said the program is not open to Caucasians. Well... anthropologically, she is Indian. Indians migrated from the caucuses region of Europe. Therefore, technically, she is Caucasian. You're welcome, America." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah, but she's not white, though." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, obviously, she is brownish. But come on, I mean, Darryl is far more ethnic." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Darryl withdrew his application. He said the Yale program interfered with his softball league, you know? He's gone." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I got my whole life to be a minority executive. I only have about a year left in these knees, though." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kelly is the only applicant." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah, unless somebody else applies today." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Namaste." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, dear God. Okay. Don't make any decisions just yet. Okay? I'll be right back." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "That's very nice. [referring to Kelly's bindi] I never noticed that before." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Sometimes my bangs cover it." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah. I don't want to be offensive but, uh... may I ask you what that means?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I do find that offensive, actually." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We should have your contract done by Thursday." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh, great. Great, I will look out for that stuff, then." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "And, um... you know I just wanted to say it was really... really nice to do business with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah it was nice to do business with you, too." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Thank you. Did I... get everything?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. I think so." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Yeah, I think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers] Okay. So... Oh, Donna?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Yeah? Do you need validation? We don't... we don't validate." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "No, it's just in the lot, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you so much." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You're welcome. [they hug] You're... welcome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm. [Donna giggles]" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[follows her out of office] Ahem. So, um... okay, if you have... if there's any other questions that you have..." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "I don't have, uh, any other questions. [blind clanking as she leans against door to prevent from Michael kissing her] I'm just gonna... make my way down to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. All right. Bye." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Bye-bye!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And have a good elevator ride." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, what's that out there?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, how did it go? [Michael goes in his office and closes door]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How would one of you feel if I told you I could put you on a fast track to an executive position at this company?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Holy cow. I'd be so happy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wasn't talking to you, pale-face." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know. I meant I'd be happy for them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What I'm offering is a ticket on a bullet train straight to middle management." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Dwight, I know these programs. \"Every color is important because, together, we make a rainbow.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'll slap you in the face with a rainbow." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Mm!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Speaking of rainbows, Oscar... you are kind of a double minority. Gay. So we at Sabre could really benefit from your perspective." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight, we know Kelly applied. We're not gonna cross her. No matter how good the program is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can protect you from Kelly. [Erin stifles laugh] Will you get out of here? Seriously. [Erin turns and leaves kitchen]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "For hobbies, um, yoga, belly dancing, snake charming. Beds of nails. I like lying on them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is Hide Toshi Hasagawa. He would like to apply for the Sabre minority executive training program \"print in all colors\" initiative." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Dwight: What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Helping heal America in a dramatic fashion in the 11th hour." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "God, I hate you so much! [gets up, leaves]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Caucasians, am I right? [to Hide] Have a seat. I'll translate." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "Why? I don't need translator." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't know what you need. Just..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, uh... why don't you just tell me a little about yourself, Hide." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "In Japan, heart surgeon, number one. Steady hand." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Michael. [Michael is sitting on couch outside his office] How you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. I don't know. Can't really trust my feelings anymore." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what, Michael? For what it's worth... I was wrong, too. I thought she was interested in you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She suckered you too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Was it the cleavage?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, and the shoulder cutouts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, you know, it's easy to get fooled. Bob's warehouse guys flirt with me all the time. It... it's mostly harmless. Usually I don't let it go too far." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, when I tore my scrote, I was, uh... I was seeing this really hot urologist about it, and thought she was into me. But now I think she was just doing a bunch of stuff to bill my HMO. You know, she's touching around down there. It's easy to get confused." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael, I think Donna left this here. Should I put it in the lost and found for 14 days and then I can take it home?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God. She left this here?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Maybe she wants me to return this to her at her work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. This could be a signal. People don't just take barrettes off." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's not a signal. It's just a coincidence. No, it's not even a coincidence. It's just something that happened." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hold up barrette] Well..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She doesn't want you to return the barrette. She's not interested in you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know. I know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. You're right. Thank you. Thanks everybody. [waves, returns to his office, clears throat, turns around and runs out of office]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael! [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[runs down to parking lot, sighs]" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "[still in parking lot sitting in her car] Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. You're still here. I have your baguette." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Everyone, it is my pleasure to announce our newest member of the Sabre minority executive training program. Kelly Rajnigandha Kapoor. [clapping] All right." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "They're going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program. She'll be the first. The program's mostly black. It's almost too black. That didn't sound right." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[puts a bindi on Erin's forehead] And the best part is is that I get a business stipend to buy all new clothes. So you can totally buy any of my old clothes that I'm not gonna need anymore." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, my God, thank you so much. I love that denim jumpsuit you have. How much?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh. Actually I was thinking about clothes that I was just gonna give to Goodwill anyway." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, kiddo. Congratulations are in order. You deserve it. [Dwight extends his hand, but Kelly hugs him]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Thank you, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'll never forget everything that you've done for me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gosh. He he." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Because I never forget anything." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Everybody told me that you weren't interested. Everybody. And I didn't believe 'em. And they were right. So... there's your barrette." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "No, y-you were... right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You were right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You were right. [Michael leans into Donna's car to kiss her and they kiss passionately] I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. No." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "I'm sor..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... [they kiss again]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[returns to office] What happened?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Kelly got into the minority training program." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?! Oh, that's great. That's such good news. I did it! [all look at him] I kissed. We kissed." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm serious. It... this happened. I went down to the parking lot and I was... I returned her barrette [holds up barrette] We ki... We did. Okay. We did. We did." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? It doesn't matter. Because I know it happened. And that is all that counts. [shouts] I did do it!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[chuckles] Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup. That's exactly what we did." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, \"I will when you lose the baby weight.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's a pen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get back to work, Dwight. Please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh... we're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I have an idea for your weekend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Let me get back to my desk right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stanley got to go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything. Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Walk around apple orchards." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Super romantic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's fun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eel fishing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Curl up with your favorite DVD." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang's." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, \"I wanna go to Mount Pocono,\" you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton. Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn't see." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! It's in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys think Donna's cheating on me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Michael, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you nuts?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You had a nice meal with your girlfriend in a lovely place..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... and... we had sex, too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That is right. Don't make any more of it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do I not make any more of it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You could start by concluding this meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. [all stand up to leave] And she won't say, \"I love you.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How many dates have you been on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nine dates. I said it on the second date." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That seems... quick. Even for lesbians." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, she does all that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Sorry, dude." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, do not let your imagination run amok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Run what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why didn't you just say that, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you didn't believe any of this was true five minutes ago." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what makes it so wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, God, that tickles. What did..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think I've got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is you. How much do you charge?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "$100 a day, plus expenses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll give you $50. Money's no object." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table, leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of course. Yeah, that's terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "That's weird. I haven't heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are we gonna do about this?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I don't know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That's what I'll do today. All right. Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me know what they say." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You didn't feel like he was hiding something?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Like he was... covering something up? Maybe." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said \"Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient.\" [smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sitting on his Firebird's hood in front of a gym] Hi stranger." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh, hi. You work for Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I work with Michael." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute. [they shake hands]" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Donna, hi." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's interesting. Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh!..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just... stop beating yourself up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. Well, I hope you're right. We'll see what Dwight says." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why do we have to see what Dwight says?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, no..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God, this is so disgusting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Helene." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Helene?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My mother." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My mother, Helene. [Jim shakes his head]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You should stop this, [pulls away mayo and olives bowl] and you should call Dwight right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] All right. [calls Dwight]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna's attention] Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's all yours. [strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head] Ah! [after first rep, Dwight is injured]" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "[chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who's next to him] Oh. Oh. Oh. [groans loudly] One thing you need to know about me. I don't quit until something tears or pops. [chuckles] You look like you're getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Nope. I'm good, thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? Hey, um... [Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his \"workout\"]" }, { "character": "Old lady", "line": "Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get out of my way. Huh!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "I'm out of here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Donna. Donna, wait, please. I'm sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I'm here: to see... you... naked... while... I'm... naked." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You stay away from me, or I'm calling security." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Donna, come... Ah! Grr! Ugh! [Dwight is very sore from his \"workout\" and cannot chase Donna]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're back. What happened?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, what happened with Donna?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Put your fingers here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No! Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who eats eight protein bars?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People who don't trust egg whites." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? No, she didn't say that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] \"What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him.\" And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael's office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not paying for that membership." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sitting on the floor behind Erin's desk, sighs] Ohhh... mmm..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I like the attention. Is she here yet?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's her?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I'll talk to you later." } ], [ { "character": "Donna", "line": "How could you think I would cheat on you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "That's pathetic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ye... pfff. Well, no. It's a lie. That's not what happened. I just like you. I can't believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you wanna dump me, I totally get it." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "I told you I like you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs]" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...poop my pants." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Have you ever been to Vero Beach?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "We're going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's up? I got your e-mail." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Close the door." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. [scatting] Andy don't mess with me. [continues scatting] I'll figure something out." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Such as?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It was kind of mumbled, I don't know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was \"Andy,\" \"Problem,\" \"Eliminate,\" something. I don't know what it meant." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? You don't know what it meant? How about \"Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?\"" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Whoa. I hadn't even thought of that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[chuckles nervously] Yeah. Hah. Hoo." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, hey, I love your earrings." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Did Michael get them for you?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "No, I bought them myself." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Steamtown Mall." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Uh, Franklin Mills." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm? Oh. It's probably nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, so are you... you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Psst... [Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. [pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling] This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. [pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man] This photo was taken this morning. [shows a baby picture] It's Cece. [laughs] She's never gonna do anything wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Donna", "line": "Isn't that something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That's exciting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well it can wait. It can wait." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I lied it's personal. It's about me and Jim. We're... I just... you're the only person I can talk to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim is her husband." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And they are having problems, so sh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, not... we're not... we're not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good in bed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[loudly] I need you to sign this! So bad!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, weirdo." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love [leans over Michael's desk to look at his computer screen]... this idea is neat. I've never been. It sounds lovely. [meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out]" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Yeah I think it'll be a nice trip. We're gonna get a lot done." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Michael] You're gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh, wow. Look at... golfing. [to Donna] Are you a golfer?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. [Pam and Donna both laugh] Hey, you okay? [to Michael, walking away disappointedly]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Absolutely. [both leave Michael's office]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look, I'm not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself." }, { "character": "Glen", "line": "I know, it's just, I'm scared..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Your text said 911." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Glen, could you excuse us? [Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's bad." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's bad?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's real bad." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Still no plan." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, God." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's getting bigger." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I can videotape it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[to camera] There it is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There what is?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know who he is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm not. I feel... I... no, I'm not going to kill him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have to hear it from her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have to settle down first." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need to have her tell me herself. Right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Okay. Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need to have her say..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, but you have to calm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need to say, \"What the hell is that? What the hell is that?\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, God! No, no, oh, my God!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We've investigated. Every time it's been user error. They block the vents or something, I don't know. That's why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I'd like to reward you for that. [pulls out gift card] That's god for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts. [Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? We should really do something fun this week." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Yeah, we should." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wouldn't that be fun?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about Thursday?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh, Friday doesn't work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Shoot. I'm working." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Well, won't you be at the concert?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope, that's Tuesday." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're cheating. You're cheating on me." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "How do you know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[gasps] Did she see me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam on floor] Nice effort." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in old Michael Scott Paper Company's \"office\"] We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You haven't even introduced yourself." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Higher. [motions with hand to go up more]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Make it higher? Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mm-hmm" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... [printer starts smoking and explodes] ah! [speaking lower] It's working. [in normal voice] It's... I knew it!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This... [removes camera headset]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! [Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who is he?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "What, what do you mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "It's you. I'm married." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm the mistress?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on workout bicycle at gym] Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill." }, { "character": "Gym Instructor", "line": "Excuse me. Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast!" }, { "character": "Gym instructor", "line": "Don't listen to him, we're approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side." }, { "character": "Gym instructor", "line": "No, guys, no. We're just cooling down..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! [points to those around him] You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "This here is a radon test kit. [holding out tiny cylinder disc] Okay I will be putting 'em everywhere. And... please don't throw these out. [starts snapping towards Michael's face] This is a radon test kit. [continues snapping] Please don't throw these out. [Michael gives annoyed look] See them all over the office." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. [finds radon kit in between his blinds in his office] But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. [throws it away] The second time... I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. [finds another radon kit on top of his cabinet] Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time... I did it out of spite. [takes radon kit from the top of the blinds of his office window and slams it into the trash can]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pfffffttt." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Come on, Michael. You're interrupting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Please sit down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? We're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "YEAH! [laughter]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "No. No!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's... not okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You were being really funny, and then you went too far." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, hmmm... that's still..." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Mm-mm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay geniuses, how would you do it?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is there a curtain rod in the room?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How about make-believe land has anything you want?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley, please, this is serious!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. [stands up and points to Phyllis] Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't wanna do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shouting] Toby, just do it! God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Toby, come on. [Andy lines up to the right of Toby and Phyllis is on his left]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ready, one bullet. And boom! [makes shooting noises and mimics a bullet with his fingers tapping Phyllis' throat, then Toby's, and finally Andy's]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yeah, that works. That works!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good work. [clapping]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What flavors did you get? [yawns]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's so exciting Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[reading flavors] Despera-dough. Witchy-womanilla. Why do they do this?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you want me to go back to the store?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. We gotta get these out, open 'em up." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[yawns] Yeah, or no... well... I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I'd be running this." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's okay. You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's coming." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow, if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect okay? Farting noise, whatever. Okay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[walks in] Hey everyone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, out! Get out now! Leave now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Leave, get outta here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Leave!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right now!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, and if he makes a joke, just laugh it up, no matter what. Okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks in] Morning everyone." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Hey! [applauses] Hey, hey!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi Michael. [gives him a hug]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, nice tie or something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thank you. It's reversible, I think. [everyone laughs]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's hilarious." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's awesome. You want some ice cream?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? Cake it to the Limit. That's my favorite! I love that! Too much for me to have by myself. Anybody wanna share?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Boi-oi-oi-ing" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well... that's random. I will dig into those later." } ], [ { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "I don't follow this exactly. Uh, \"The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have...\"" }, { "character": "Dwight & Angela", "line": "Joint custody" }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Are we talking about your grandchildren?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our childrearing contract." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alleged contract." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! [pretends to karate chop her neck] See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point \"B\", uh... the beet juice cleanse?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, look at my teeth. [shows teeth, beet red]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eughh. [looks disgusted]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Could he still be seeing her?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't think he'd do that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So we're gonna say the most likely scenerio is that Michael matured overnight?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Exactly. It happened in Big." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I gotta go. Text me later." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm really too tired to do this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Me too!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Then let's just not do this. Do you have any idea the risks involved?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight, in our home, and play with our baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We can order in from Hooters." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Hooters to go. Nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We can watch a movie and play Rock Band." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Billy Joel Rock Band." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That... exists?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[shouts] Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Pam... she's not invisible so stop asking silly questions." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband... or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That is something I would never do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I ask... everyone in the room, \"Are you in a relationship?\"." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Eughh, Ryan, I do not want you hanging around Michael anymore." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How does he feel about it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. [points to Andy] It was right under his nose. I had to tell him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now you're just being hurtful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry, it... why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On her diet! He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did Donna tell you that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Real sports with Bryant Gumble." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So... here's the thing about infidelity." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How does that work?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyonce." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am Beyonce always." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not this time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I am." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would love that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have work to do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, really? I thought you were the boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go. [starts walking towards the elevator] I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[humming Call to Post] Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, Andy, please." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Baseball!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh! Try not to draw attention, please. That's him. That's him." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right there. The coach!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[announcer's voice] And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Can you just-- can you just act normal for a second, please?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whatever. I'm the one blending in." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[ahem][Pam snores] Guys?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm. Hey. Oh, hi, Gabe." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Can you two please join me in my office? Now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You were supposed to be the Lookout." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, well it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I don't wanna be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry about that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So embarrassing." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know, the power dynamics." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you were surprisingly restrained." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We will be well-rested tomorrow." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay. That's great, actually, because I wanted to talk to you about something else." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Excellent. Go for it." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on. [Jim and Pam struggling to stay awake] Anyway, the question is, what is the best way to disseminate important information in an efficient way?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right? So, uh, let's uh..." } ], [ { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Same page. Go to the next one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Same page. Just keep moving." }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which we can't know." }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "This is essentially..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Unless we're unplugged." }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And wake up in the future." }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have no idea what you're talking about." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know it's like cricket." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't. No, no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And it's--there's-- well, home plate is like a wicket." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't know. You don't-- you don't know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn't even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it's like, \"Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes?\" \"High-five, Donna.\" \"Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers?\" \"Hi-five. I'm taking all the credit.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Seems pretty well liked by the team." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know, I know. It--I'm--it-- that was a euphemism." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "$30,000? There's gotta be another way." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look, I will not pay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I have an alternative.[hands Dwight a document]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?\"" }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Look, I don't think that's actually legal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Agreed. [shakes hands with Angela]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But not in your bed. It's lumpy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine. Five times. [signs contract]" }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I want eye contact." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you understand how rare is that in nature?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not some farm animal. [Dwight smirks at the camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great game, coach." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh! Okay, all right. Don't, don't." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You guys are awesome! Best game I've ever seen in my life." }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "Yeah, right. You must be rootin' for the other guys." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ha. The other guys can go die." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers] Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Baseball! Go talk to him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. God. You go talk to him." } ], [ { "character": "Shane", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Shane. Great game man!" }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "Do I know you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Uh, just big fans. Both of us." }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "Are you somebody's... parents? Oh, are you guys... Kenny's dads?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ha. No. No. But we're gay for baseball. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot." }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "Okay. Let's go!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage." }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, isn't marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, getting all committed to each other. So you love baseball. What else do you love? Let's round you out as a person." }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to... focus here on the game." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife." }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "Of course. Okay? I gotta... get back to this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on, get over here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm good. Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Get- Get over here. Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry. I got some stomach cramps." }, { "character": "Shane", "line": "It's all right. It's all right. Keep it going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo! Whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, \"I'm sleeping with your wife.\" And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, orange slices. There ya go." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thanks, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't thank me. Thank Dylan's mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why would you throw something wet at me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You love it. There ya go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now, were those for the team?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, no, they didn't say team. They just said coal Hawks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think those were yours to take." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair, and I went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you talk to him?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wow. That is crazy." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Was there a fistfight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. We just talked. He's very nice." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "And it didn't change your mind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It did not." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, that's awful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Isn't it?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm awful, aren't I?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. That's pretty bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm an awful guy! Ooh!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How can you live with yourself?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now, I want a piece of cake. From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That is a dangerous game, friendo." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, because I thought that it was a book about Anthropology the store." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "'Cause it's next to they baby section, okay?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All right, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning when you said, \"I read a book about anthropology.\"" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't really know why you're screaming at me right now." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm not scream-- I'm not screaming." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't care. I have an appetite for life! [eats cake] Mmm. Mmm! Oh, god. That's Lemon." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Good for you, man. Good for you." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He takes what he wants." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What about Kelly?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You read my mind." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[quietly] Is this a joke?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I-I don't know how you do it, Michael, I-I-I can't be that cold." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You'll learn, baby. You'll learn." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[pressing buttons to start microwave and moves towards his crotch] I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, [banging on his crotch with drum sticks] but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. [drops yellow pages against his crotch] [screaming] [chuckling] Let's see what she gets. [bouncing crotch on bike and crashes into glass door] [thud] Aah!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[Michael leaving copy machine] Uh, boss, we're out of paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I noticed that." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Are you gonna add any more?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "He don't give an \"F\" about nothin'!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have got big balls." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think I'm gonna make it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[yawning] What about an energy drink or something?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[shakes head] It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, it does and it doesn't." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Probably shouldn't tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so... we have a place." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A place?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "A restful location. Talk to Glen. He'll take you up in the lift." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You sleep in the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Lightbulb's burnt out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist, okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "For your signature. [drops document on Michael's desk]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [Phyllis avoids looking at Michael] Phyllis. Okay. Look at me. [continues to look away] Phyllis, look at-- [Phyllis turns to leave] okay, that's... [chases after her] All right, all right. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. If you think that's going to have any effect on me, it will not. I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Why not your condo?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, Michael, will you drop it? Everybody's spoken their mind, and no one's changing their mind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Morgan Freeman-narrating-everything." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you want someone to stop you? 'Cause no one's going to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody better try to stop me. Good. [leaves the office. door closes]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could have stopped him." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you warmed up? [outside sliding door in warehouse]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? [zipper sound]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What did you do to yourself? [camera pans to Jim and Pam laying down in restful location]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Never mind. Just never mind." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, it better work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it'll work. [Jim and Pam look shocked and disturbed] Mm. Stop kissing me. It's not in the contract." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[driving in car; returns to office; grabs ice cream out of freezer] How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. [beeping; cut to Donna who is waiting in the parking lot of the motel] Like a grownup.[Donna receives text from phone] That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. [Donna has disappointed look; cut back to Michael in his office opening ice cream] At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or... being happy. And I picked... the... former." } ], [ { "character": "Reporter", "line": "Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Reporter", "line": "Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Umm... I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologize to... the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again." }, { "character": "Reporter", "line": "I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Okay. I was talking about... what do-- what? What's going on?" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on Youtube video] There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. [phone rings, Michael picks it up] Michael Scott, as seen on TV." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[high-pitched voice] I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... [normal voice] It's Packer!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in the paper today. And it's online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's number one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So instead of working, you want..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? It's on the same site!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Awww, it's kissing its mommy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand up. [looks toward computer] It's trying to stand up... [choking up] there it goes." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Howdy. I hope I'm not interrupting anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jo! We were not expecting you!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "'Course you all, no doubt, know why I'm here." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jo, I think that I know what happened." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I'm not sure you do, teddy bear." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, now I think I might not." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Can you now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[quietly, to Andy] Put your hand up, Norma Rae." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. [sings] Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today?" } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "[as Gabe hands out forms to everyone] It's a little form, says \"I did not do it.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "All that's just birthday information, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what'cha say?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said, \"Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice!\", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said \"Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah\", well nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Uh, that's, uh, Guantanamo Bay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, I guess we're all right, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Nick", "line": "Hey Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, IT guy." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Mind if I get in there for a second?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, sure thing, go ahead." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Just one... [Dwight pushes Nick's neck to the desk and pushes his arm up] Gah! Ah! Dwight, what the hell?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell! What are you doing to my computer?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot, Big Brother." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're with Big Brother? Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, are they searching all our computers?" }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Yeah. [Kevin runs to his desk] I already got to yours, Kevin. [Kevin runs back]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, that's cool. Sometimes... sometimes I run. I'm a runner." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Look, he's been complaining about this for a while, it's not crazy." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Okay Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here... [hands Jo a piece of paper] You should fire the following people." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, I'm inclined to believe you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year. Good boy... you turning that money into more money?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you referring to alchemy?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money, but if you ain't investing in property, then you're dumber than a dummy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not dumb. I'm smart." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, buy property. That's my advice." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is there something that you would like to say to me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "About talking to the press?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I, I didn't know. I didn't do that!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay? I, I... didn't do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't believe you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a little much. All right, all right, all right." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't care, that's how much I swear!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I believe you, I believe you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, no, no..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I think she could... sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she... she's the copy editor at the Trib." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my god. Was she cute?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, god, Darryl!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, that's..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "And we didn't find anything on your computer." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Except this. [hands stack of paper to Toby]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a mystery novel that I've been working on." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, uh, I don't know, uh..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh... yes." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Write your own damn novel." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was you? You were the leak?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. I'm talking to this woman at daycare..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's telling me about all her amazing trip to Vietnam, I have nothing. I tell her our printers catch on fire, spontaneously!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why'd you do that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Her husband's a reporter." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So now everyone hates Andy, and it's this whole mess, and I don't know what to do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, just relax. Just need to relax." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I could tell Jo... or I could tell Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is a very good idea. This is good. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You leaked it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know what to do! Do I go tell Jo, or - I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh god... my mind is going a mile an hour." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That fast?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Michael knocks on Pam's desk] Yeah? [Michael points at Pam, himself, and Meredith, mimes drinking, driving, then points to his watch and holds up five fingers] I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So see you in Meredith's van in five minutes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, you didn't need to actually say it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in Meredith's van] I have never seen so many parking tickets." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right, this is just messed up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do we got?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[opening door] Hey guys, sorry I'm late." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're not going for yogurt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's okay, she's cool, she also whistle-blew." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Guys, I couldn't help it, it is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Of course I'm the leak! I think I Tweeted it! I can't control what I say to people, I spend the whole day talking! I mean, I video chat, I Skype, I text, I Tweet, I phone, I Woof..." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. [types on his phone] I just sent myself a Woof. [fax machine makes noise, several windows pop up on computer behind Ryan with accompanying sounds, including barking]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[on phone] Ryan, you have a Woof on line 1." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you, Erin. Woof!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Okay, not all the computers, just our computers." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That idea sucks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think that's a good idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just don't say no." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Michael, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's just what we need, another black man in prison. You know, let's just..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nobody's going to prison, okay? Um... all right, Michael, you need to convince Jo to go easy on us. And then we'll all confess once we know our jobs are safe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. You can count on me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sees Toby banging on the vending machine] Let me give you a hand." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm hungry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ready? [they pull the vending machine towards them; Dwight's phone rings] Got it? Oh shoot. Got it? [walks away, opens phone] Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Realtor", "line": "[on phone] The property you're looking at is in great shape. By the way, it has a very spacious basement office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Basement office? You mean like a lair?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Jo." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after they're back in the thick of it." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Michael Scott... what do you know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It doesn't matter what I know." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "If it doesn't matter, then tell me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, deal with this. [crosses arms]" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Empathize with me for a moment. I came up here with a big problem, and now I got a branch manager who's giving me the silent treatment... Speak to me... speak. [Jo's dog barks] Come with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[as Michael and Jo leave] Are you leaving? Oh, am I... should I continue with the investigation?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you going to kill me?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Hahahahahaha." } ], [ { "character": "Realtor", "line": "[on phone] I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Realtor", "line": "What time works for you? [Dwight looks across the street] Mr. Schrute, what time works?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make 'em an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, low ball them. Don't call me 'til you have it." }, { "character": "Realtor", "line": "But... [Dwight closes phone]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on Jo's jet] Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but... I have an early dinner that I need to get to... with the Chief of Police." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm very relieved to learn it wasn't you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "All right. Uh, Stan, you're up." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It wasn't me." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. And... you did it. [nods at Andy]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? Based on what?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Uh, just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you. Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now, and sit with it, see how it feels?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right. Sounds good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guys, I think that seems a little unfair. I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been... Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have rights." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Let's just talk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not going to tell you anything." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Honey, you don't seem like your normal self." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Mama Jo knew there was something up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh, I hate that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? ... I miss Holly." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Who's Holly?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, I think that the real question is: Who is the whistleblower?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, just..." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I may have heard from an old client, and I may have immediately started spreading the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah. But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about Suck It. Suck it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gabe, I told you all about the printers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, it could be you, Gabe. I mean, that's the point." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, it's totally obvious." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I think we all can agree that it's either Gabe or Angela. [flips a coin] It's Angela. Get her, boys." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Hey guys, uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm going to go down to Detroit and teach, uh, inner city kids about computers." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Uh, not now." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Oh yeah, it's just that my friends are in the car waiting, so I thought I would..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[quietly] Phyllis, what's this guy's name again?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't know, is it Shadow or Garth, it's something weird, I..." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "My name is Nick." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, well, Nick, we're in a meeting." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy, and everybody hates me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, listen man, you can't take it personally." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "You called me man? I just said my name just now, did you forget it already?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No... sport." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "You, you guys have fifteen parties a week, you can't learn my name?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey IT guy. Here's the story, champ. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, okay? We liked the last guy, Siddiq, because he kept to himself, and we also thought he might have been a terrorist. You know what, I'm going to leave you with one other thought. Inner city kids use computers for two things, games and porn. So good luck wasting your life, lurch." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives, and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! All right? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it, check it out. [gives the finger]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're going to believe that guy?" } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm, hmm." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh honey, surely you don't want that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. [Jo laughs] You were playing too." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm about to buy this building, you know." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "You don't say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you... enjoy that chair for now... 'cause pretty soon, you will be on your feet, at Buckingham Palace." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Phyllis, have you seen my bag?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[points to the ceiling] You deserve it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down, and children to die. Does that make me a hero? I..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[offscreen] No, it does not!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It does!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, thanks. Yeah, you know, just seemed like the right thing to do." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to press] We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions?" } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was fun." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I hope your rough patch ends soon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks. Today helped." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Let me see what I can do." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[to Toby, who's filming] You fallin' behind." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[jumps in front of camera] Wuphf.com!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ryan, we're doing the dance!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[Bluetooth rings] You got Creed." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "-and you jump in front of them." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You make it so hard to love you sometimes." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Still behind." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[closing door] I said I didn't want to be on the internet!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Go, go, go, go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Streamers! [everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hiya! Ha! [climbs on Phyllis' desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight! [Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are you crazy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[song ends] Toby, how did we do?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, that was better." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoo! We did it! [everyone starts cheering]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes, of course." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who's the guy who invented the peanut?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey, guys." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not at all." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. [he and Erin kiss]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it] Hey. What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, what if you're cold?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I'm too busy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[drinking from Camelback] Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, \"Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?\" And I'd be like, \"blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah,\" giving you the exact right answer." } ], [ { "character": "Luke", "line": "Coffee Monkey's arrived." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The coffee's supposed to be here at 9." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "Here you go, Big O. Tiny. [hands Kevin his coffee] Darryl Hannah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It says decaf. You get me decaf?" }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "Ooh, yeah. Must've been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He's only been here for a week, and I hate him." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father." } ], [ { "character": "Luke", "line": "My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Ah! It's not cappuccino." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He messed yours up to." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "He's got to go, Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that's a lot of keys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. [pulls out stethoscope]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give me that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. Wait, and this. [hands Dwight a hammer]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Go get 'em." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Jim quietly takes Dwight's keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles] Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. [removes keys and throws them at Jim] Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was really funny." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love you." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Luke? Luke!" }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "What's up, Venus?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "You don't have to yell." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "What for?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't bother Luke." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why is there a circle with a line through it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it... Yes, okay, right. [erases don't] All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. [writes \"Don't\" in front of symbol]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Don't don't bother Luke. Got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on. Okay, um... [draws a circle around \"Don't\" with a line through it] That's as clear as I can make it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "That'd be hilarious. Uh, \"Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop 'em.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How close?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Of course." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes he is. He's my nephew." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Luke is my nephew." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's wrong with a level playing field?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, man, so many points being made." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I couldn't care less about nepotism. But, I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's a really tight argument." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I wanted you to come to me and say, \"Wow, he is so great.\" And I was gonna say, \"Well, it's in the genes.\" And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey! Ice cream afternoon!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or enough for everyone?" }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Clutch cream run, bro." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Get whatever you want, on me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You really think you can make it up to me with food?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know. That usually works." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew's car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, take a look. It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, \"I don't own an Ebay store,\" so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Let's just make this kid open this damn car." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Tripple A." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait a minute." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[breaks into the car] I'm in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't-all right. Well, ok, you've just committed a felony." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yep, here they are." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This kid's costing us sales, Michael." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm sorry, do you want to try them on again to see." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I know they fit. It's not about the fit." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Why is this my problem, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won't fire the boy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't have all the facts." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Which are?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love him." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh, God. How far has it gone?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. He's my nephew." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses \"Doors closed\" the doors open. Or he presses \"lobby\" it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight is about to get so Pammed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, did you SMS text message me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as elevator doors won't shut] Okay, that's weird. Just hitting \"door closed.\" What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There we go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! [elevator stops between floors] Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's just calm down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Use your talons! Pry 'em open! [starts to urinate in elevator corner]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, don't look, freak!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, what are you doing!? We've only been in here for, like, two seconds!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You've gotta be kidding me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! [Luke points laser at Oscar's forehead] Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar's head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it!" }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "What? I'm stopping it. That's what you said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me the pointer." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "So you just want me to move it? You're being totally unclear here. I'm just gonna go ahead and move it. [points it at Angela's chest]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela's boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "All right, fine. Fine. I'll just go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "I'm gone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we're starting with account setup-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he's burning my eye." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael, do something." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sack up, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, can I have that?" }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, I am going to count down from five." }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Five, four..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not kidding." }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Three, two, one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give-okay. Alright, give it up." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!" }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "What the?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what you're going to do, Luke!" }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "What the hell was that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I had to do that." }, { "character": "Luke", "line": "Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That was awesome!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Texas justice." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, your nephew is so lame." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You follow him on Twitter?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Everywhere I look it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did not do this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is impressive." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you know... they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do they call you that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They do call me that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, give me your hand. I'll help you down." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there's pee on the floor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How ya doin'?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pretty good. You must be almost out of water." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop drinking the water! Stop!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked] No, no, no, no. It's the other hand. Right hand. Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy] Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Good. Well, that's the spirit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can do that." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Wait, what?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is there another option?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "The alternative is termination. [Michael stares off, considering termination...]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow. Late every day this week." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is there really?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... Ha ha ha [laughing maniacally] Well I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aaah!" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Aaah!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You remember my cousin Mose." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Welcome children." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Were you painting in the dark?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait. Is this your place Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't really think we need..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh... lets take the tour Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. [pause] I see you found out magical toy box Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "These are actually forks and knives from the break room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And a soy sauce packet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't beat yourself up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who will be watching the children?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Prove it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no, no, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I promise you, that door locks! [Jim closes the door]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "What's something that you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know what you want to ask me. \"Did your mom ever see you naked?\"" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "We can do this with more privacy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "The mall itself or just the stores in the mall?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "America is one big mall." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did something happen Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't want to know." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Look, I'm not going to tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you? Ok, well let me know if anything changes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene, or whatever it is. Tell me everything is going to be ok." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Everything is going to be ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tell me I'm good at sales." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're good... you're good at sales." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the \"F\" word?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No you will not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt, ok! They're \"appearance\"ists!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, Dwight. We can't do that. So why don't you just tell us what happened?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, what happened Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things, but there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the Mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So what happened?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to \"Pretty Woman\" their asses." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "We should start our own mall!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What did I say?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, how about this? Instead of boycotting, you and I, together, go down to that store and we teach those snobs a lesson." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? [removes cuff link] How about now? [removes other cuff link] How about now? [removes tie clip] How about now?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh... what was your favorite flavor of..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One hour." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ok, I can't count the hour if you don't talk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, and I can't do that unless I honestly..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Tell me!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pretty Woman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no. I want to hear you tell it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, Um... The sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the \"trappings\" of extravagant wealth, but instead of going..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like,\" I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me.\" And the shop girl goes, \"ok\". And Julia Roberts goes,\" You girls work on commission, right?\" And the girl is like,\"Yeah\", and Julia Roberts goes..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "\"Big mistake! Huge!\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was telling that... I was telling that." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok, sure." }, { "character": "Window treatment guy", "line": "Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Window treatment guy", "line": "Is one of you the office administrator?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[hesitates] I am. I am the office administrator!" }, { "character": "Window treatment guy", "line": "Can I show you a few samples?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby, can I really tell you anything?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Office Administrator. So when did this happen?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, totally. Well, congrats!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Totally, that's great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I get paid $40,000 per year." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe $50,000." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "$50,000?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's great." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around. Now, today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is he still doing his boycott?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Agreed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The glasses are a little... [Dwight drops glasses to the floor, stomps on them]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I liked them." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I thought they were kind of cute." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, I liked them too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't see." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Say stuff like, \"Good morning, Good Afternoon\". People appreciate that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, I see you every day. Can I say \"Good month?\"" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm telling you how to do this man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Please and thank you go a long way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Copy. Thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in a cockney accent] I think he's got it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? [howls and growls like a werewolf]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? [pause] Three hours. We're half way done." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, do you have a second?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Right, of course!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Thank you so much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just think somebody lost the paperwork." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. Absolutely. Right away." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know what Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff, in case my daughter ever comes over. Why don't we just run out the clock by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[fanfare]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We present to you for your comments and approval, Dwight K. Shrute." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Go get 'em Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wish us luck!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight [snaps a picture with a disposable camera, then drops the camera in the trash can]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "We can play something more complicated if you like." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is plenty complicated." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "So you have played it before?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've played it once or twice with Jeff." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Who's Jeff?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "So, her husband, your stepdad?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Did you guys do much stuff together?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's working. I'm doing it!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[coughs for attention]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "My place tonight. Wear this. [motioning to his new outfit]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you have your card?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes. Don't forget the pipe." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Dogs don't do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm just trying to help you Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I just want to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[tossing forms at Michael] Just fill them out any way you want." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these [giving Toby two middle fingers] and call me in the morning." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Michael, um... about three months ago, I was talking to... [Michael grabs form and signs it without reading.]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "That is not how it seems to me." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He seems fine." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Heh." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office. All corkboard." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We can do that." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Right in here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Easily." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm back! Ha ha. Pam, perfect. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator about a little office administration problem." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But of course!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you are the office administrator." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So weird that there is no paperwork." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "At all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... admit..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Admit what?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I don't want to say it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Say it." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure. Anything else?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll get it right away." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait a second. You know you can't buy that now, right? And I can come back and get it for you later. But I'm saying right now, we can't do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Because I'm here for one thing. Revenge." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's it." }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "Let me know if I can help you with anything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me sir." }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me." }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You work on commission, don't you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop, stop, stop." }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "No, we don't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you just say you remember him?" }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "Of course, but he looks much less threatening now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good Morning!" }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "If he were in accordance with our dress policy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "But the blood stained hands..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi..." }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "I'm very sorry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Ok. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Lets just go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You made a big mistake. Huge!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There it is. Alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aaah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's pretty good." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "After you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[re-entering the store] I'll take the wizard!" }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "Oh, ok!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You forged them! You forged the forms!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You filled them in and faxed them yourself!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You remember that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... [mimicking Gabe] \"I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!\" [normal voice] Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy? [Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd']" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! [as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Did you write this?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who did?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Steven Sondheim." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who is he? [rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What the hell is happening?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song] That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Like a month ago." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, who else is going?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everyone." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe seemed to think no one was going." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy, what time's the show?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "8pm sharp." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How long is it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hour forty-five." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope, can't make it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Noishe!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And scene." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give me the punch card." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is not in the contract." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. [faint smile]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, how are those salads?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's my own fault-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We'll keep looking." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh my gosh, that would be amazing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "For a lot of reasons." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I know. Neiche!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey guys." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You brought balloons to a play?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's nice, like Up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Usher", "line": "Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Hey! Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You all made it, thank you so much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You should actually thank Erin, she's the one who agreed to babysit." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She's babysitting?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[trying to stuff balloons below the seats] This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, I'm sorry. God." } ], [ { "character": "Usher", "line": "Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. [Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ooooh!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering to man sitting beside him] I work with that guy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[after taking her gum out] Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, Dwight, just move." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering to man sitting beside him] His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What time is it? [Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad]" } ], [ { "character": "Shelby", "line": "Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Shelby", "line": "I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Shelby", "line": "We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Shelby", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Shelby", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Shelby", "line": "Enjoy the second act." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You enjoy the second act." }, { "character": "Shelby", "line": "Have a refreshment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. You, too. [steals a bottle of wine from the bar]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Come on, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Everything's fine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We can relax." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[seeing Michael drink from wine bottle] Michael! [bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute \"break a legs\" or \"I still love you\" type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!" }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "You found Johanna." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That monster of a judge has locked her-[cell phone chiming]. Locked her away. [phone continues ringing]" }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. [audience laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How is that funny?" }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. [Michael laughs]" }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[text message chime] You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But..." }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "[yelling] Where is Johanna?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A madhouse." }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "A madhouse?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, a madhouse." }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? [Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you think... [bottle rolling] so you think... [bottle rolling, clanking]" }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "Fogg's Asylum , why not? [balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sounds like Cece." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sees Erin holding Cece] Oh, my God! Go, go!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[excited] That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, this was pretty simple-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why are you here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[overlapping with Pam] Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, we're good. Thank you, though." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay. Alright, bye Cece." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not together!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[during curtain call for Sweeney Todd] Boo! Boo!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "That was more horrifying than Nunsense." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Where's my car? Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots." }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "Darryl?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Silent. Look, congratulations." }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, good job. Well done." }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "You're the guy who booed me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em." }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "No, I saw you, and you were the only one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get your eyes checked, chucklehead." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work." }, { "character": "Sweeney Todd", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You didn't have to boo him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "How would you like it if we booed you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That would never happen." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Boo! Boo!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. I appreciate the feedback." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Boo! Boo!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't like that at all." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you ready?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[pretends to slit her throat] Ah! Blood everywhere." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, me, too." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, I kill you now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, let's do this." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's okay, I smell." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I won't tell if you don't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... [Angela reaches into his pocket] Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. [Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good night, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good night." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "This is awesome. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. [hangs up] Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Awesome." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "See you later." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[attempting to move car seat] It's like The Hurt Locker!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This night was a disaster." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We could put that in orange juice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Get it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's get our juice on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Found him!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I guess you could say that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I get those every day after work." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Your show was really great, Andy." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It was like amateur hour." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It was an amateur production, technically." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stop just saying that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. That feels good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Andy, sing us another song." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, Andy, seriously." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, all right, all right, all right." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sings Macy Gray's \"I Try\" and everyone joins in]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about." }, { "character": "Shelby", "line": "Thanks you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work] Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! [man walks away] Que? QUE?" } ], [ { "character": "Mexican Man", "line": "[speaking Spanish]" }, { "character": "Son", "line": "We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back." }, { "character": "Mexican Man", "line": "[speaking Spanish]" }, { "character": "Son", "line": "We've lost friends." }, { "character": "Mexican Man", "line": "[speaking Spanish]" }, { "character": "Son", "line": "We don't know what he does with them." }, { "character": "Mexican Man", "line": "[speaking Spanish]" }, { "character": "Son", "line": "I don't want to talk about it anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada." } ], [ { "character": "Nate", "line": "Hola amigo." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hola, tu es une buena worker?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Si, yo muy bueno worker." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Y el accento, donde are you from?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You speak English?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Yes, I'm really good at English." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, good. Me too, get in the car." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "[quietly] Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[nods to camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot] Who's this guy by our cars?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I got stung up my dress." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Poor hornet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking outside through the window] I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "But if he doesn't?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He'll die." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uhh, beg your pardon?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "[picks up blowtorch]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Is that a blow torch?!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. No no no! [nos coming from all employees]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Interesting choice..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Nate starts walking away from hornet's nest, puts down the blowtorch] Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Very very smart." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, go away. [Kelly nodding]" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "[picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet's nest]" }, { "character": "Employees except Dwight", "line": "No! No no!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A bat! Impressive..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh it's stinging him! Ow! Ow! [yelling all around the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on] Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[giggles] Terrific!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[seeing a large red spot on Michael's lip] God! Wow!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shying away] Look, [sighs] It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's no pimple Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You mean cancer?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a cold sore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yup, just a cold sore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I know how you got it. [smug expression on his face]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don't know what that is." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I never seen herpes on you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Because it's on my genitals, genius." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You have a penis?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! My last physical when I was forty." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was like, ten years ago." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! It was like four years ago!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, you're at least forty six!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six. [later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't even wanna know these things!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[walking in] Hey guys! [Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How did this happen, how did I get this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Woman in every port." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You may have..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God! What if I did?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's no way I'm gonna do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then I will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge." } ], [ { "character": "Donna", "line": "[on phone] Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi Donna. It's Michael." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't even say it. H-I..." }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...R-P-E-E-S" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "Ummm, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Does your stupid husband have it?" }, { "character": "Donna", "line": "No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So long Donna! [Michael hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Not again..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you mean again?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You're always asking for our attention." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Maybe like a year ago..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Seems recent." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, that's..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[agreement around the office] That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's the world's only international sport! [sits down]" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[on phone] This is Holly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No this is Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No this is Holly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No this is Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, this is Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Busted. So what can I do for you Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I am calling because, there's a terrible crash!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh really? Was anyone killed?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "A lot of people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Any nuns?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Three nuns, [Michael laughs] from a Missionary in South Africa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Dwight looks confused to the camera] Were they in the missionary position? [Holly laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. [stops singing] Yeah, now you're looking at me. Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[still on phone with Holly] Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't been transferred?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We would have twins. [Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael's \"herpes\"]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I don't think we'd have kids." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It was just for a few weeks!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mhhmm! We would be married." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[sternly] Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do what?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You romanticize things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't romanticize th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing 'Yes you do'] No..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He had no arms or legs, he couldn't hear see, or speak... This is how he let a nation." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You made ourselves to be more than we were." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We were more than we were." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I don't know what you're getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, alright I gotta go." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael... [Michael hangs up]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to the camera] He forgot to mention the herpes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It didn't come up organically." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[to a client] ...to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. [Seeing Michael and Dwight] Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it'll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. [to client again] The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to..." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's nice to see you doing so well." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah I'm really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. [laughs] We're loving it, yeah. I'm kind of a supermom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bringing home the bacon." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah. [singing] Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget... [laughs] I love that commercial." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't understand the reference." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We had to come over right away, it's urgent. Michael has something to tell you. [Michael shushes him]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Are you gonna keep me in suspense? [Michael sighs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[after long wait, to Dwight] Would you excuse us..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok I'm gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Ok, is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He hasn't changed." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, so what couldn't wait?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Ok, I'm in." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, guys. I've been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we're better than that. Ok, now I'm going to show you a picture of genitalia. [grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What, is it because he's black?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, it's because it's genitalia." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I'm going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. [Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "No! In the beginning we were not good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because we work together." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, ok. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Am I the princess?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No I'm the princess, and the queen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Ok, so I'm the guy at the station." }, { "character": "Astrid", "line": "Mommy!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Assy! Awwhhh how was school?" }, { "character": "Astrid", "line": "It was cool." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[singing] What did you learn?" }, { "character": "Astrid", "line": "What did I learn?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we're all, sisters and brothers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have herpes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong..." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It feels unbelievable!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[writing on board] Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "...unbelievable." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "The ability to express love physically. It's a magical thing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Express love, magical." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It feels amazing!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Then I will write it down." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "The feeling of pure risk." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I actually had that down in the cons column, but..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "It's thrilling." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, umm. I'll move that. Thrill of risk." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! Thank you! Such as?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Unplanned pregnancy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, unplanned pregnancy." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Just admit that your baby was a mistake." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm sure they don't regret having their child, let's move it to the pros." }, { "character": "Jim & Pam", "line": "Thank you!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Next stop is Helene. You're gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I'll remind you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jan knows paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, what Holly said?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I don't..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'M TRYING! GOD!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks into park with Dwight] Hi stranger! Long time!" }, { "character": "Old Woman", "line": "Who are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm Michael. We dated for a while." }, { "character": "Old Woman", "line": "I don't think so..." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on old lady. Let's go." }, { "character": "Old Woman", "line": "What is happening? [Dwight shushes her]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Condoms." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, ok? Abstinence." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ohh. Ok. I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski! [office laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That's all. Anybody?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Andy that's way too personal of a question." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well someone could answer if they want to. [looks at Erin hopefully] Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil. [Stanley laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why would you choose a pencil Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Come on, give it a rest pencil dick." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm doing this for you Meredith!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I didn't want you it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?! [throws pizza box at painting and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Helene", "line": "It'll go away in time just don't touch it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "What did you think we were?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you..." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jerk. [walks off]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! [attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.]" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "So this is the chef's kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Real entertainers, like Billy Joel." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Carroll, how are you?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I'm great! How are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "You didn't call my office and ask where I was?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Weird..." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He sounds like a nice guy." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "This wasn't really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How is that relevant to anything?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, 'My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.' I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh wow another living room!" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "It's a family room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You put the TV here, you put the family over here." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael why are you here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Someone told me that I romanticize relationships" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "You know, we all do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have herpes." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "What? Did you have that while we were together?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just found out today. It's, uh, right there." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Oh! Oh, that's what you're talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm, I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Did the doctor check it out?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm between specialists right now." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I believe in love at first sight." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Well so do I, but we didn't love each other at first either. I don't know what you were thinking!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking downstairs] Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Andy walks in Darryl's office] We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No I'm just sweating." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't know who's got you upset but my advice is stop crying." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not crying I'm just sweating." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I have no idea what his problem is, that's just my standard advice. It's good advice right?" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[on answering machine] This is Holly Flax, I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. [BEEP]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know? It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What is this about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Herpes duplex." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We were never lovers!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Flower shops, fireworks celebrations..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fence with a hole in it.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk's home." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The democratic primaries," }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar! Think abou- Think! [door slams]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She is a beaut!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, it is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, look at that. [pushing bike] Smooth roll." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "His ass was on that seat? All right!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[crashing sound] Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, god!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you sure you once knew how to do this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did, yes! I had those extra wheels on the back...that support you. [Pam and Jim begin wheeling him] Mi-chael! Mi-chael!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[chanting] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on, Michael! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just steer more now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[crashes into Jim and Pam's parked car] Oh, my god!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not the car!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No! No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ow! [grunts, stumbles to his feet] You never forget. Whoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How do I look?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Amazing. How do I look?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Normal. Ugly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I do the best with what I've got. Let's go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright. Wait, wait, wait, wait for me! It's weird if I come in slightly after." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select, Steve Nash." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's not the Steve Nash. He's big though. He's kind of like...Scranton's Steve Nash." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think they'll understand? It's condescending." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not doing that. I'm just explaining." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And who is this \"the\" Steve Nash?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phoenix Sun's point guard?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No? Nothin'?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Mr. Jock Hipster." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I'm neither of those things, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[reading Cornell magazine] Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh, says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale-Oh, my God!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What? Is Dan okay?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob. You know this guy; I showed you his picture on Facebook." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "\"Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, 'Calci-YUM!', featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio. Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio, and I think you can hear it in the song.'\"" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, that's great news for your friend." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, yeah, it's great..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was the artsy, musical one. In Here Comes Treble I had four solos, Broccoli rob had three. Right? Uhh." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go tell her we're here. You're good with receptionists." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, ha ha ha. Dwight...[motions to lobby]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Crap." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Danny Cordray is the worst." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, by worst, you mean the best." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop, steals more clients from Dunder-Mifflin than anyone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, the situation is the worst." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Also, he slept with Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, he didn't. [Dwight mouthing \"yes, he did\"]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tell 'em." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I thought you started it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. [Jim nodding repeatedly] You know I have a kid with you, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ahhh." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna intimidate him. Okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, great-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Watch this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "-I'm just gonna watch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[speaking loudly] So anyway, she says, \"that is the biggest penis I have ever seen.\" And I said, \"I know. That's why I brought you to the Penis Museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.\" Well, hello Danny!" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Hey, Dwight. Good to see you. Jim, hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[shaking hands] How are ya?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Good to see you too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Oh, I'm just here for the coffee." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like hell you are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's not just here for the coffee, Jim. Wake up!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, it's Jim. Listen, this is important. Are you busy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You are busy! We're in a meeting!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's Jim, Okay? Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen, you gotta get over here, 'cause we're pitching Steve Nash and Danny Cordray is here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You need the big guns, yes?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What'd he say? What did he say?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The big gun thing. [Dwight grabs at phone] Stop!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight. [hangs up] Well, I know a lot of you thought that my sales days were behind me, and to be honest, so did I...and the only reason I got out of the sales game was to be reluctantly called back in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You don't?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! Okay. [runs out the door] All right." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[knocking] Knockity-knock, don't knock back. Just kidding you can knock; it's your office. Do you have a minute?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm very busy with time-sensitive work." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into Weight Watchers dot com." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If you don't enter them immediately, you forget. What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm starting a band and I need you on keyboards." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nah. I play for pleasure." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is for pleasure." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I wouldn't enjoy that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm willing to pay you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, yeah?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "How much?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sixty bucks a session." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's crazy money. I'll take forty." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There he is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, that's a male model." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that's him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That...hello. Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Three of you guys for one sale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well...we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Well, whatever works for ya. Anyway. All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "It's good to see you guys. Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "He's ready for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thank you. All right. On the count of three, it's showtime. Ready, one, two--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, not doing that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've been in showtime mode since breakfast." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know-all right, just forget it then." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Showtime!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's showtime! Oh...never mind. Let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I knock on your door, you know who it is; it's Michael Scott. We've been together forever and we-" }, { "character": "Steve", "line": "Michael, I appreciate everything that Dunder-Mifflin has done for this company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We're going to deliver to you on weekends." }, { "character": "Steve", "line": "That's very generous, but-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And you know what else we're gonna do? I can't believe I'm gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you'd better shake my hand right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's not kidding." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shake it, shake it!" }, { "character": "Steve", "line": "Michael, I'm going with Danny." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Steve", "line": "Thanks for coming in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Thank you." }, { "character": "Steve", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks, Steve." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim talked too much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I didn't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, you did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done, we just got bested. [pounds the elevator button] Why is there a door close button if it doesn't even close the door?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know who we always lose out to? Staples, the big guys. Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are. What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy? Stanley, how do we combat him?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We sell better?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I would like to stay. This pertains to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why do you always assume I have diabetes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, your frame, your build-why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic. [Stanley stands to leave] See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I could try to seduce him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my god!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know how we can learn his tricks." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that your office?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, Jim. And with a little tweaking, it becomes a different office. We lure Danny to it and watch him sell." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm outta here." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "This is weird." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what this is? This is a stinger." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like the movie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you mean The Sting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. Different movie." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Sting. The Sting." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Your two o'clock. [Danny enters]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thanks, hun." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Meredith was the perfect choice to play the head of the company. Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny and...that's it. That's really all we were looking for." } ], [ { "character": "Danny", "line": "Danny Cordray. It's great to meet you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Meredith Van Helsing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. But what is he more famous for?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhh! Hey! That's my mug." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know this isn't real TV, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl & Andy", "line": "[singing] Please Mr. President, if you wanna give hope a whirl, bring our troops home safe and sound, says this little girl." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in falsetto] Please Mr. President-" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "One second, one second, one second. [stops playing] So, this song is from the point of view of a little girl?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "But you're singing it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, but I'm using my falsetto." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, that's not a good idea. I don't see that as a very good song." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better if you actually sang with some soul." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, I never sing with soul." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's a lie." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I could sing it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, three-way argument between a drummer, a keyboardist, and the front man lead singer. Wonder who's gonna win this one. Two, three, four-" } ], [ { "character": "Danny", "line": "I'm gonna take off my coat, if you don't mind. It's a bit warm in here." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hel-lo!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, no. No. Don't-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People can't keep their true natures hidden for long, and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Testify." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, he's not that good-looking. I don't understand why everybody's obsessed with this-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, he is that good-looking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's very, very handsome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That's a great set of shoulder's you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine? [phone rings] Sorry. Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pull it together, all right? Stop lookin' at him." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm sorry. [hangs up] You're here to sell me some paper." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Well, actually, uh... no, Miss Van Helsing, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to meet you, see if we'd be a, you know, good fit." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh...my god! He's making her sell to him." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[everyone finishes listening to song] Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not really. It's kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the Olympics." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I-I don't think they usually...skate to such...bad songs." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Rude. And not helpful." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Well, I really, really, really liked it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, that...really bums me out." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Danny", "line": "We should think of this as a first date. And I think it's going very well, how 'bout you?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Ha ha, okay, there you go! [phone rings, Meredith answers]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stay-" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Shut up and let me do this! [hangs up] You know, what is with this desk keeping us so far apart?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "I've never been a desk man. Always traveling on the road. Come on...why not, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Well, we'll get this...[Meredith unbuttons]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "So, what's your drink? You a vodka man? Me too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We gotta get someone else in there right now." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech and-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That sounds fake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I told you! You're an exec at Stark Industries, a corporation you inherited from your father-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Will you stop? Stop it, stop it. Here's the story-they need Meredith somewhere else asap, okay?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So you're taking over. You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "All right. I can do that. Then what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then make him pitch to you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We gotta see what he's got." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Exactly. You can do this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, and remember-you're not gay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop it! It's gonna be great." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And listen if anything else happens, just...roll with it." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Meredith, I-" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh, Manuel! This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Hola. Que tal?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Como estas, senor?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Uh, Manuel, cleano el window." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who else we got?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. You're a young hotshot from Stark Industries. You've just bought this company. Meredith is fired. It's a whole new regime. He's gotta pitch to you now." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay. Stark Industries isn't real. I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me in-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. Sounds awesome. Just have him pitch to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't let us down." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[points to Jim] Will do. [points to Michael] Won't do." } ], [ { "character": "Danny", "line": "Yeah, sure." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You smell like a Scorpio. [Ryan enters] This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesn't speak English either. Esteban, el flooro." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space, and I hate when I see others do that, so-" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Danny, I feel a real connection to you, and I gotta get real, I'm-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no...." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, no..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm goin 'in!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! No, Michael, stop it! No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop, stop! Oh, my god! [enters office] Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody, stop." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I said stop. Okay, Danny...this is not Pennsylvania Solartech. This is Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. This is Meredith Palmer-" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Please to meet you-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't! Get away from him. Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique, so we could stop losing so many clients to you." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "But from where?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A surveillance room next to this one." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Okay, so you...set up this fake company, then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Or...crazy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well-" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "I'm gonna go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me. Jim and Dwight are behind that wall in the surveillance room and it was their plan as well." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Oh, well then, yeah. All right. Hey! [knocking on wall] Good luck, guys. Seems like you got a great operation here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we don't. Here's-here's my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "What do you mean, my tricks? There's no tricks, man. I'm just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can't copy that! [opens door to leave]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that...I want you to work for me." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, you will?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "[opening door again to leave] No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Get out of my way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not-it's just I'm very upset right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "I'm very upset!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "More freedom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[bleep] me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Josh Duhamel." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, I can see that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. No. Somebody in this office." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He's like a better-looking Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks, Kevin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, me. Right? Sorta like...a little younger version of me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's hard to judge ourselves accurately, isn't it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I talk to you about something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you may not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's about this very announcement you just made." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I said no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're not-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, I think you really want to talk to him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Let's-all right, all right. Let's talk. Please don't let him leave. [pointing to Danny] Don't leave. Don't let him." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gotcha. [they go into Michael's office]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You hired him?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, let me ask you something. Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Stay the same." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well...get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's not gonna get better; he's gonna steal all of our clients." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. Wrong. He would have stolen your clients, but you know what? He can't now. This guy used to steal sales from us; now, he's going to steal sales for us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where's he gonna sit? There's no more seats." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He doesn't need to sit, he's a traveling salesman. Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff simply because they are threatening to you. And unless you have a better argument than that, I suggest you leave." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmpf!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where's he gonna park? There's no more reserved parking spots." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good-bye!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Song's about truth." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's something you really care about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Reverse snobbery." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "More universal." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[plays soft chords and sings] Couldn't get outta bed today. Wish the alarm clock would go away." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, nice!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-that's amazing!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Go ahead." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Which me am I gonna be today?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Which me am I gonna be today?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Or the me that stinks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, my gosh! We're almost out of time. How much for another half hour?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, don't worry about it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait. Seriously?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So we're just, like, jamming as friends?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "One, two, three, hit it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Closet full of mes-" } ], [ { "character": "Danny", "line": "Oh, you know...funny. Your wife and I went on a few dates." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did ya?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Yeah. Way ,way, way back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just kidding. She told me about it." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Oh. She was not into me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Obviously. I don't even think she called me back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You snubbed her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me handle this, Jim. Drop the act, Cordray, okay? We all know that you probably thought that Pam was too \"meh\" or thin without being toned. But I wanna tell you something-she is one of the plain hearty women of Scranton that make this city great. And so what if she doesn't wear makeup? [Pam mouthing \"I wear makeup\"] We like her better that way! And you steal clients, don't you? Don't you!" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Okay...that's different." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that's different, is it? Okay...thief. You better check your things, people. In fact, where are my keys? Oh, there in my pocket. False alarm. Okay. [awkward pause] So...you're gonna be workin' here?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Uh...I mean-yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Welcome aboard." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, crazy, um...so...that's it? You're just-you're fine?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home. [shakes Danny's hand]" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pleasure." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[singing and playing drums] Sun's in her eyes, tongue full of flies. Would you like to share my paaaaaaad?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love and I gave her the croak that meant I love you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll be your croak monsieur." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[falsetto] I'll be your croak madame." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Your mama mighta said that bullfrogs are dogs, but I'm here to tell you that I am a frog! Come and sit on my log, you little pollywog." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I find you absolutely ribbiting!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Croak!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ribbit!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Scoopity-splash!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What about this one? It's kinda badass, right? Just seems kinda crazy in a way I might need right now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. [looks at Stanley, who took his mug and is drinking out of it] Oh! That's... not... yours." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice?" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What's a seven letter word for purse?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[sitting at Phyllis' desk, dressed like Phyllis; high pitched voice] Satchel!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Nope. Starts with an H." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[shirtless, wearing only a tie] Handbag." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmmm. [glances at Andy] Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Shh! Shhh! [watches Jim put a cardboard box over Stanley's monitor]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing outside the conference room, wearing fake teeth, watching Stanley walk in] All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in sales!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yay! [applause]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[looks at the clock, then at his watch] Hold up! That clock is slow. It is five o'clock, I will see you all tomorrow" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[turns around, is wearing a mustache] Bye, Stanley! Love you! [waves, Stanley leaves]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[standing next to a pony] So long, Stanley!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Night, everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So what kind of statement are you making with that costume, Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The statement that I am making, Oscar, is that I kind of look like Michael Moore." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin! Happy Halloween! How can I haunt you today?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! [puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard, high pitched voice] Six seconds, MacGruber! [lifts head] Pam's got a lot of fun stuff planned! [puts head down, high pitched voice] Uh, two seconds MacGruber! [lifts head] Including a... costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board... OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! [throws fake bomb, takes off sunglasses, points to camera] MACGRUBERRRR!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "People are really into the costume contest this year. Might have something to do with the prize, maybe you've heard of it. The 2011 Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book worth over fifteen thousand dollars in savings!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[has his hands around Jim's neck] Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler. [looks at Pam] Oh-ho! That's very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrute's mom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're only one third as beautiful and only half her height." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm supposed to be Olive Oyl. And it makes more sense when I'm standing next to Popeye, but... Jim doesn't want to put his costume on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[places pipe in mouth] I am Popeye!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I've never really been a costume guy. Even when I was a kid, it just felt like something I was too old for. And then this morning, when Pam hands me this little number [holds up Popeye costume, shakes head] ...no." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[dressed as Lady Gaga] In case you can't read m-m-my Poker Face... [laughs] we will be reviewing our sales policies. [accepts note from Michael, reads it out loud] I have ten seconds to read them or this whole place blows up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "MACGRUBER!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Lame. Why don't witches wear panties?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, here we go!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Because they need to grip the broom!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Lake Erie." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "When our warehouse workers make deliveries, they're going to be encouraged to offer clients extra products. And then they will split those commissions with sales." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, wait, drivers are going to be able to sell paper on the road?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "That is correct." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Has anyone started calling you \"Gabe-wad\" yet?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Not here." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Gabe-wad." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, guys, fun is fun, but-" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blackula!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dracula." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, so... I almost forgot. You'll find this hilarious. Apparently corporate is going to have drivers sell paper on their routes now. That's like, exactly sort of the idea that you had." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes. I do remember saying something like that to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I'm sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that, man." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm just glad we're gonna try it out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? We're good?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah. We're cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [reaches out and shakes Darryl's hand] Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's under your shirt?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. It's a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[leans hobo sack against the refrigerator] It's a great stick, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's really good. It's a classic. I think you might win the whole thing with that." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Thanks!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Everyone realizes that this coupon book isn't actually worth fifteen thousand dollars, right? You'd have to spend two hundred thousand dollars on crap you don't actually need to get fifteen thousand dollars worth of benefits. I'm not the only one who sees this, right?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I get that. I get that." } ], [ { "character": "Danny", "line": "Excuse me, everybody. I want to invite you all to the Halloween party I'm having at my bar." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You own a bar?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Public School, at exit 11." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's a great name. You're hilarious. A plus!" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "So. You're all on the list!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, man, can I get a plus five? It's all guys." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey, what's the crowd like, Danny? Our age?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't think that she would leave Jim for Danny." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't know, they're both handsome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think he-" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey hey hey, quiet, here she comes! Did you hear about that Danny guy? Heard he used to date Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So four years ago, when I was in Stamford, Connecticut, and dating someone else, Pam went on two dates with Danny. Which was obviously the greatest love story ever told, given how much people are walking on eggshells around us." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We were basically Romeo and Juliet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Except where Juliet doesn't have that great a time and Romeo doesn't call back after two dates." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yikes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But I've learned to love again. [puts her arm on Jim's shoulder] He's a cartoon sailor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And looks so handsome in his UNIFORM! Please?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. No, I'm not gonna-no." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna! Tuna! Do you want us to skip this party?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't care." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I am never gonna forget what Danny did to Pam. I forget nothing. I'm like an elephant in that way." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what else? [pulling fake teeth out of his mouth] The-this... this sucks for Jim. Right? But it also sucks for us. Because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties. [puts teeth back in]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, and everyone else is gonna be there. Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl... Creed's a maybe." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[removes teeth] Creed's going?!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Madge from the warehouse just made her first sale. Madge. We should have been doing this a long time ago." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[answers phone] Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, Darryl, come out here, please." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This is embarrassing, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I bet it is! If you're gonna do your job well here, you gotta get used to being embarrassed." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Let me put my shoes on. [hangs up phone, dial tone]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[leans over toward Erin] Um, hit the speakerphone button. The speakerphone button? The same button as you hit before... or sit on it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbin's. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So, what happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea, but you know what? They need to know that it was yours. And I don't care if I take a bullet. We're gonna call them, we're gonna put them on speakerphone right now..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh! [fumbles for phone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And we are going to straighten this out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Screw corporate! They probably stole the idea anyway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhm!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Uh uh. Corporate stole nothing, okay? Darryl told me, and then I told them, giving Darryl full credit, so... no need to [mimicking Andy] screw corporate! Or anything like that, so. Let's give Darryl a round of applause, as planned. [claps]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm a little peeved at Darryl right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He went to Gabe behind your back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, he didn't go behind my back. He went over my head." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He went over your head to go behind your back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is taking someone from behind?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can't have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was a good idea, though." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Here's another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryl's idea." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Danny." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm really sorry, but we can't come to your party tonight." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "I was looking forward to throwing some darts with you guys." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You were?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, well then, uh, I mean, maybe we could do it like... next Halloween." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "For sure." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're just like, totally caught in the middle here." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go..." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Jim and Pam really don't want you to go?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They're really upset about the whole Danny situation." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "I'll talk to them." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, but wait, don't tell them that we said anything to you." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Or you're dead." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Kelly! Great costume!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "KELLY! You cannot change costumes in the middle of the day! Pam, she's out." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, if I'm out, I'm going to sue this ENTIRE COMPANY for discrimination." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Guys? You're arguing over a one in sixteen chance. Over a prize worth... forty bucks." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, fifteen thousand bucks, Oscar." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, shut it, Oscar. Pam?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is an amazing prize. I mean, I don't even want to give Pam a compliment, because she's so blegh, but she did a good job. I really want that coupon book." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Garbage magnet. [throws magnet] Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don't need to tart them up with some design. [to Michael] I can't believe this doesn't make you mad!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[staring at Gabe and Kevin] What the hell are they talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I don't-[sees Kevin and Gabe fist-bump] Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? That's inappropriate, Kevin. I am your boss, and if you have something to say, it goes through me, and then I take it to Gabe. Chain of command. Do you understand?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I am so sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you're sorry?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I just thought-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What did you just thought?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, Gabe asked me if there were any really cool Lady Gaga moves that he could do for the catwalk. And so then I tol-[tries not to cry]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I told him that there was this one cool move where she powers down like a robot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay? But I- I am so sorry that I didn't tell you first." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, don't let it happen again." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[hysterical] You think that I would let this happen again?! NO WAY JOSE." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[bleep] you, Gabe!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay..." } ], [ { "character": "Danny", "line": "Can you imagine? It's just crazy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is crazy. We would never care if Andy or Kevin went to your party." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Look, I'm just glad we can laugh about it. Because I was a little nervous about coming to work here, with, you know, our history." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my gosh! People keep blowing it out of proportion! It's not even a history." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not like you guys had some long relationship right? Big painful breakup I don't know about?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "No! Two or three dates." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was two." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Was it two? I thought it was three." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, we um, we had plans for a third, but then I don't know, you never called me back, so..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oooh! You can't handle the truth! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "[laughing] Well, that does not sound like me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah? [stops laughing] It was though, that's what happened." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "[stops laughing] Well, great, I just wanted to make sure that things weren't weird." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm-mm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, this whole going over my head-gate? Is making people act weird. The chain of command is crumbling. Do you know what just happened? I just made Kevin cry. And Gabe looks like Lady Gaga. That's not Halloween. Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm not mad. Are you mad?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well, I'm sorry if it seems that way to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, that might help. If you said \"I'm sorry\" in front of everybody." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In front of me." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You made a bad call. And I fixed it. So I'm not apologizing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So that's it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sookehhh. [removes teeth] Bill Compton, from True Blood." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How many freakin' vampires am I supposed to care about these days?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I guess you could say I'm still in costume. I'm a rational consumer." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Stupid coupon booklet. Have you seen my costume? I'm a rational consumer." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, I uh, heard you say it to Phyllis. That's a good line." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, everybody! After you walk the runway everyone has to vote for who gets the coupon book. And you can't vote for yourself." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam. Can you vote for other people?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I gotta get in on this. [mocking Darryl] Hey, it's cool, man, I work in the warehouse! I'm cool! I'm hip and I'm jive! And I don't care about nobody! Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Still don't know who I am? I'll give you a hint. I go over other people's heads." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, this is a bad idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's a bad idea?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dressing up as somebody-I mean, when has that ever worked for you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "NEVER! [tosses wig] Okay, you know what? Fine. I'm not Darryl. And thank God I'm not Darryl." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Could you for once just let us enjoy a party instead of making it about all your issues?" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[walking down the runway] Raaah! [waves sword]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I present to you the [finger quotes] rational consumer, as it were." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela as the nurse!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't like your tone! Look, they were sold out of all the other costumes, okay? I think we all live in the real world, here. Let's not pretend to be unaware of what sells in this office." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What should we ask?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend who backstabs people in the back?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We have one question to ask the spirit world and you want us to ask that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He says no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, you saw Darryl move it, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl what would that word be?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[hands are being forced to the letters] A... S... S... H... E... T?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "An asset!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ah! [lets go, candy corn flies everywhere] That's enough." } ], [ { "character": "Danny", "line": "I don't think it's gonna work out the way you think." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I don't think you get it." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "This is some party, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "When you work hard, you play hard around here. Even if you don't work hard. Oh, here's something. Uh, why didn't you ever call Pam back?" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that everyone has to fall in love, or anything, I'm just saying... but you know, to not even call her back is..." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "You know what it was? I think she gave me her number but then her fours look like eights, and..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Could be. But you also called her the second time so you had the number right." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Halpert, you lookin' for someone to bang your wife?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Okay. You wanna know? I didn't call her back because she spent the whole date talking about you. She was obviously in love with you." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Fifty seven. Fifty eight." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wait, wait. She hasn't moved in awhile." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[reaches over to pull Erin out of apple bobbing water] ERIN!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Two! I got two. I ate two whole apples." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'd remember talking about Jim. That wasn't it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just tell her the real reason." }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Do you honestly want to know why I didn't call her back on a date over four years ago?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. She had a nice time. It seems rude." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I did. And it's just one of those things that's going to keep gnawing at me, like \"gnaw, gnaw, why? Why didn't he? I have no idea why.\"" }, { "character": "Danny", "line": "Okay. Honestly. I didn't call you back because I-thought you seemed a little... dorky." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, man." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you! Thank you. I got it. Now I know. You thought I was a little dorky. You know? [gibberish sounds] Okay. Well, excuuuuse me." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "In the future, you need to get Michael's approval on anything before coming to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're gonna be missing out on some good ideas." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, well, obviously if it's a really, really good idea, my door is open." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If they're good ideas, I'm not gonna say no!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You said no to this one!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was-okay, you make one mistake in fifteen years and you drag me over the coals, after everything I did for you?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What have you done for me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What have you done for me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ed Truck hired me. Jo promoted me. Gabe listened to me. All you've ever done is say no to me. I have ambition. And you kept me at the same level for years." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ohh. Dropping bombs, right? [explosion noise] This really make you think, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it! Stop, stop. We're thinking. We're thinking about it." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't have to point to the fact that we're thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay, next time you have a really great idea, we will put it in a hat, and then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat and let her decide." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't understand the point of a hat." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You're right, we don't need a hat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not budging on the hat issue." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay. We're going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me, I make the final decision, period." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, why don't we simplify this? Darryl brings it to Michael, Michael brings it to me, no one calls Jo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo, then we'll give her a call." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool. Okay. Sorry I lied." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry I was a jerk." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Friends fight. Friends fight." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's up, man?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Sometimes it seems like it was better down in the warehouse, you know?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, the Cornell Daily Sun? This was at Cornell. I had to write an op-ed column every day. Bernard's Regards." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This was your freshman year." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I started to ask myself, \"Do I have big plans here?\" I didn't want to become editor of that paper, so I got up and walked right out of Walter Bernard hall, and that's actually when I heard eight male voices, singing, unencumbered by instruments. I was hooked. So is becoming CEO of this company your a capella group? Come on, we're going to Danny's bar. Public School." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No. I got some work to do. I do got big plans with this company." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "To be honest, I still can't believe he didn't call her back. Who doesn't call a dork like that back?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, wow!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[holding Cece] Spinach in a can. Power eat spinach. [Popeye sound]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aww, my hero!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, everyone, I've tallied the votes, and the winner... of the costume celebration spectacular... and the Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book... Oscar Martinez." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "If I have to vote for someone, I don't want it to be someone who can beat me." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Shake things up. I'm a Nader guy." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Best Edward James Olmos costume I've ever seen. Like, freaky good." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[under his breath] Um... kay. Uh, alright." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Di-Did you say vampire?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [looks at camera] 'Cause of the euro." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[rolls his eyes and shakes his head] Uh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "NO, no, no. They will cost you your life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Elaborate." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not - I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. I would welcome it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Jim. Pam. [gasps, speaks in baby voice] And the precious bundle of God's gift to everything. [back to her normal voice] I wish you both a pleasant day. [baby voice] And you too. Yes. Praise God. Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cece's getting christened today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Big day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Everyone from work is here. We weren't planning on that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Top of the Sunday morning to you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And a top of the day to you too, sir." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yes. [mimicking smoking] Doobie-doobie doo." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I invited everyone in the office because it's not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our, all of ours joys." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[looking at Cece, under his breath] Ah, man. [looks at Erin talking to Gabe]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[handing out cards] For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Sunday church service... it's been a few years. The Big Guy and I, we got some catching up to do." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in an old man mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael, this is just for family." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But I'm the Godfather." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you talking to me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispers to Pam] Ok, your turn." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[normal voice] I'm not the godfather." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears his throat] So who is the godfather?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Our friend, Seth, and his wife there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They're a great couple. You should meet them later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I have plenty of friends, so... all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out." } ], [ { "character": "Church congregation", "line": "[singing] We ask you, Lord, come to our aid." }, { "character": "Pastor", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Pastor", "line": "What a terrific day this is, and not just because the Eagles are playing. [laughter, Kevin giggles]" }, { "character": "Pastor", "line": "You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[stands outside church entrance] Okay, this is, all right, this is silly. [goes inside] [walks back out] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope..." } ], [ { "character": "Female church member", "line": "And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery." }, { "character": "Pastor", "line": "Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance? [Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time, Dwight stares at him, man sits back down]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price." } ], [ { "character": "Pastor", "line": "Christening calls to repentance, to faithfulness, and to discipleship. We've come to celebrate these babies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looking at Cece's diaper] Somebody needs a change." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, she can't bring this up with her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. All right, come on. [picks up Cece from Pam, whispers to her] Where are we going? Where are we going? We're gonna take a little field trip." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering, going into the bathroom with Cece] Okay. Okay. There's my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What's that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[seeing Jim come in with Cece wearing an old t-shirt] What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Honey, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is happening." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We have an extra outfit in the bag." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. There's no extra outfit in the bag." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You said you checked it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did... say that." }, { "character": "Pastor", "line": "At this time, will the families please come join me?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever." } ], [ { "character": "Pastor", "line": "Before we go, I'd like to remind everyone that the \"Halberts\" have been kind enough to host a reception next door immediately following the service." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm. No. Wrong on both counts." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, \"A,\" Halbert. And, \"B,\" I think a more appropriate statement would be, \"The 'Halberts' are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Try \"Jesus.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Opus dei." }, { "character": "Male church member", "line": "[to Michael] Hi. Good morning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Female church member", "line": "[to Michael] Good morning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shh, shh, shh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking around and greeting people] How are you? Good morning. Good morning." }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "Good morning." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Doug", "line": "[church member] I'm Doug Mcpherson, Davey's uncle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, well, Dave is an adorable baby." }, { "character": "Doug", "line": "Davey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. [Doug walks away]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, this is intimate." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You don't know them all?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Jesus is not your caterer. [baby voice to Cece] But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? [normal voice] They don't think." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Cece] Hm. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't get to come home to someone as cute as you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know. I'm just hungry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, well, you know what? Everybody's hungry. [Pam looks at Jim] Sorry. I think I'm just hungry." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, after you." }, { "character": "Male church member", "line": "Oh, no, after you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I insist. After me." }, { "character": "Male church member", "line": "[laughs] I'm gonna use that one. Have a good lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. You too." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes." } ], [ { "character": "Girl", "line": "Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that's leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. [group of young adults cheer and applaud]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[whispering] Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts." } ], [ { "character": "Girl", "line": "This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh." } ], [ { "character": "Girl", "line": "Right now, Jessica's children have to walk twelve miles to a school with dirt floors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Girl", "line": "It's gonna be three months of hard work and when we're done, we'll practically be Quimixtanos." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[overhearing Dwight's conversation] Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me? Stop it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll call you back." } ], [ { "character": "Girl", "line": "My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Girl", "line": "Thank you. Or should I say gracias?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] Cece went down." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "[holding up an empty serving dish] What was this? You're out of it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Scones." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "I didn't get one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "Is it just the one jug of apple cider? [Pam shrugs, woman walks away]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who the heck was that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think that was sconesy cider, noted baptism reception critic." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We need more food. I'll go get some subs and sodas." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. And cider." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pointing to group of young adults laughing] Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You could feed the hungry. Us." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Church isn't a party, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's, it's-" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hey, Mee-Maw, would you watch Cece for a second? Don't worry. She's asleep. I'm just gonna track down some more chairs." }, { "character": "Mee-Maw", "line": "Fine, fine. I guess I'll watch Suzanne's purse and your baby." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing in a line saying goodbye to the kids going to Mexico] Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We're proud of you. [starts to walk down through the line and into the bus] Bye. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the bus] Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico?" }, { "character": "Students", "line": "Yeah! [cheers, applause]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in reference to the team shirts] I'll take a shirt." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Are you coming?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you'll have me, yes." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Heck, yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? [cheers, applause] Thank you. All right." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[seeing Michael on the bus] Michael. Get off the bus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm not. I'm staying on the bus. I'm already on the bus. I'm going." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Michael, this is irresponsible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I agree. I think it's superb." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, you have a job to do. Okay, there is no off-season when it comes to printer sales." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, my job will be here when I get back." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael, you can't go to Mexico. You don't have your passport." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "[sticking his head out Michael's window on the bus] You don't need one to get in. Plus, we can just have it sent to him down in Mexico." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, right?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell them that I'm in a meeting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you may not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gah!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[looking at Erin] Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "We're actually building them a school." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whatever. I won't-I won't stand for it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[waving goodbye as the bus drives away] See you in a few months." } ], [ { "character": "Girl", "line": "If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn't have so many problems." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm. That's not gonna happen." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're one in a million." }, { "character": "Girl", "line": "I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals..." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[standing in the church sanctuary, talking to the stained glass] Why you always got to be so mean to me?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[seeing Cece gone from the couch he left her] Uh, MeeMaw, where's Cece?" }, { "character": "MeeMaw", "line": "I don't know. I lost the purse too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good-bye, Lackawana County." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How long till we get to Mexico?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, two days minus how long we've been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why aren't they building it themselves?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They don't know how." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, Carla knows." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "Oh, trying to sleep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And the Christmas party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And Cinco de Mayo." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nah, no. We'll be back before that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, guys, has anybody seen the baby?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Here's her carrier, but no Cece." }, { "character": "Jim's Dad", "line": "Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where's the little girl of honor?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know, dad. I don't know." }, { "character": "Doug", "line": "I don't mean to bug, but do you know when those subs are due into port? I got a hungry bunch of Mcphersons over there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. Hey, have you seen my baby?" }, { "character": "Doug", "line": "I think maybe some blonde lady had her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A small blonde woman?" }, { "character": "Doug", "line": "Smaller than me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small-[pointing to Angela] Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[as Kevin runs to grab her] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[reaching into her purse] Give me the baby!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What? Kevin!" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[holding the baby, walks up to Jim] Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[baby voice] Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[walks up] Honey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Cece] Hi. [to everyone] All right. Travel safe, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did you think I stole your baby?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don't, because I've got my eye on you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[gasping as he looks into Angela's purse] Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Someone put them in my bag." }, { "character": "Doug", "line": "[to Pam] So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let's haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly's." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you lose Cece?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can make myself cry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do that. Do it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Should I-I got it. I got it. [walks up to the bus driver] Um, hey, I saw a sign for a scenic overlook coming up. Really love to check out the view." }, { "character": "Bus driver", "line": "Can't stop. We're on a schedule." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, uh, there's a nice bistro coming up. We could pick up some Paninis for the road." }, { "character": "Bus driver", "line": "Maybe we'll stop in Tennesseee. It's not safe to talk to a driver." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[having walked up to the front] Okay, driver, driver, if you're not gonna stop this bus, then I'm going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. [pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound]" }, { "character": "Bus driver", "line": "Stopping in Tennessee." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Hey, is there a problem, you guys?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just make him stop the freaking bus!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop the bus, okay?" }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "Are you okay, sir?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take." }, { "character": "Girl", "line": "You have plenty left to give. You're doing-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blah-di-blah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If we went to Mexico, we'd probably screw everything up anyway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stop the bus!" }, { "character": "Michael & Andy", "line": "[shouting and clapping] Stop the bus! Stop the bus!" }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Okay, stop the dang bus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[bus stopping] Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you." }, { "character": "Another guy", "line": "[getting off the bus] Wait for me! [bus drives away] Don't say anything to my parents." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[driving up to pick up Michael, Andy, and kid off the road] Get in quick." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why quick?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So it's faster." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is anyone still at the church?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, actually most of them went to go see a movie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Shut up." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I bet. You guys." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Can I come? [silence]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, Lake Wobblegone's on. Do you guys-are you cool with that?" }, { "character": "Radio", "line": "\"... banana bread, but Fred Nordquist had no appetite. He was thinking about his pair of new boots. It'd been ten years after all. As he told Mrs. Nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots.\"" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[to Gabe] They caught the Scranton Stranger, they trapped him in his house. [run to conference room, everyone is watching the news on a monitor]" }, { "character": "Reporter", "line": "Police have now surrounded the apartment complex." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispering to Pam] They have him surrounded. It's the SWAT. The SWAT's arriving." }, { "character": "Reporter", "line": "It is unknown if he is armed with anything." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They should do that thing where they play the really good music to get him to come out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] They shouldn't televise any of this, it just encourages copy-cats." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Just say copies, why do you have to drag cats into this." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, while this is interesting we should get back to work. These stand-offs can last a long time. What if it's another Waco." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's pronounced wacko." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Some events are so news worthy, so historic, that you have to stop everything to watch. Balloon Boy, Michael Jackson's funeral. Things that if you didn't see them live, you wouldn't really care that you didn't see them at all." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Columbia Street in Washington Ave! When is he gonna come out? [phone rings, Kelly answers and hangs up]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I bet he's wishing he had a hybrid, right? Sixty miles to the gallon in the city." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No! I bet he's wishing he was strangling someone!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, that's our street! That's our street! He's going down our street! [runs out of conference room.] Come on everybody! [all quickly follow]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on sidewalk] There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it! [all groan]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[collecting pebbles off the street into a jar] Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? [old man voice] Well kiddo, I was there. I was there... And I'll tell you what. [shakes jar of pebbles] You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Walk with me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe and I are having a party, and everyone's invited, and it's at his house apartment and we're gonna watch Glee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[obviously faking being serious the whole time] Glee? What is Glee, some television program? Jim I need that thing stat!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[confused] Okay?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah it's a TV show..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight! Sign please. I don't have time for parties I don't have time for TV shows. Stanley! What time is that thing I have to do?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cancel it! Are you still here? [to Erin]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uhh. It's just that it's our first party together so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? I'm a very busy man. I don't have time for your TV show." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[sad] Okay, sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm joking." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wait which one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm joking. I'm kidding around! I'm not actually angry. [Erin laughs] I'm not busy at all, I'm not doing anything. And I know what Glee is, I'm a total Gleek." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Good me too!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know who my favorite character is? The invalid. [Jim makes a face] I am coming to your party." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know if Michael likes Gabe that much, but there's this thing on Glee called mash-up, where two things that don't go together, make one great song. Take Gabe, take Michael, you make Gay Mike. Best friends." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[reacting to Erin's invitation] No really? Is there time to change this?! That show! Now first they say that Mr. Schu doesn't know anything about choreography, then like three episodes later he's this fantastic choreographer?! Pick a lane people!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And what was with Jesse's sudden turn on Rachel, between Dream-On and Funk. Where the heck did that come from?! Honestly that show, it's just. It's irresponsible." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you going? [to Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now that's a show I'd watch." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would watch that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tonight might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Erin] You're having a party at Gabe's apartment?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Mhmm! I'd love it if you were there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You would?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You and Michael are always the life of the party!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Try and keep me from coming!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why would I keep you from coming?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Try and hide it, I will track this party down!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why would I hide it! [giggling]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, you going tonight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I am. Are you?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah! You gotta go to the boss's party!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? No Gabe is... Gabe is not the boss." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No he's not the boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why did you just say he was the boss?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "'Cause, you're the boss!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeeee... Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[to Michael at Gabe's apartment] It's make your own pizza night. Isn't Gabe's place so nice?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Look at the size of those wine glasses Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Big..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Those posters used to be real French ads." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right!" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "So these are your cheeses, your ham, your sausages, your herbs, and your vegetables. Here's what's been done, so start creating. Some times it helps to think of a part of the world, and..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[interrupting] Okay okay okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gabe likes to entertain a lot, ad he cooks in an oven, and all that jazz. I just have a different life style. They have these bags of vegetables that steam right inside their own bag. So I'll get a few ingredients, sit down in front of the TV, a bag of vegetables, before you know it I'm ready for bed!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[tossing pizza dough in the air]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You don't really toss the dough." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Try and destroy the old ways, Gabe, well I will not let you. [throws pizza dough, hits the ceiling]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[walking with Jim and Pam] Welcome to my Man Cave! I did my senior year in prog in Japan. Best year of my life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You play? [referring to keyboard]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh! I like to play soundscapes. I imagine one instant of a song, expanded to be the size of the universe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You can't even do that." }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "[crying]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's up! Great!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cece, is reverse cycling, which means she sleeps all day and is up all night. Which basically means I'm up all day and I'm up all night. And if it doesn't stop soon, I am going to be up all night." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[peeking into various rooms] The show's starting. The show's starting! The show's starting! Show's starting! [Glee begins as all get nearby to watch]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[to Kelly] Who's that?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Finn." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Who's that?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Rachel." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Which one's Glee?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You have to stop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where's Michael? Where's Michael? We can't start without Michael! Oh here he is! Ohhhh. Yayyy, and let the show begin! [turning up volume]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[takes remote] It's a little loud..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually I think it's not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah! [takes remote, raises volume] There we go. Glee right? Rock and roll! Turn it up to elevaan! Spinal Cord!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[lowers volum] Some of us are trying to have a conversation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well some of us are trying to have a..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'll just turn the captions on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[grabs different remote from the table] Well I will turn up the volume." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "That's for the other box." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... Heeeere's what we're gonna do! Right down the hall is a bed room. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom, follow me! Where we can crank it!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[noise on TV, Oscar pauses show] That one! She's been in a couple episodes of Friday Night..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You know what? I'm so confused. Is this a Glee watching party? Or a Glee pausing party? 'Cause we keep stopping it, to get a history lesson from..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You know what? I didn't read the rules, I didn't know the rules. There, it's on. I didn't read the rule book." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[enters on Michael alone sitting on a bed watching Glee] Michael? Maybe you should try gong in the other room again. You can have my seat. It's closer to the TV. It'll seem louder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. If I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe I want you to take that gun, and I want you to shoot me like a hundred times in the groin until I'm dead. Okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have a gun in your desk?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[in Gabe's bedroom with Andy] Hey! Marantz Tubes Sterio. From the 1970's. I respect that. I respect that a lot. Oh hoho. The five Chinese Berilidy Herbs. No kidding. This is powdered seahorse. They say that fifteen Chinese soldiers fought off the entire army of Gangus Kong just using this stuff. You know what they say..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No what?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What is this, Samurai wood cuts? Yep. Pretty erotic." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pam in the background struggling with Cece] Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss. David got fired. Charles got fired. Jan went crazy. Ed Truck, who I liked, got decapitated." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I find it absolutely disgraceful that no one followed you in here for your walk-out. I took the liberty of making a list of everyone who didn't follow you in here. Jim. Oscar. Creed. Me, at first." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe I should go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[continuing] Kelly. Kev- [to Pam] Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to? [Dwight grabs Cece and makes noises, Cece stops crying] In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[to Andy] Take a shot." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh thanks." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Wow, so much Asia stuff. I wonder if there's a guy in China right now, looking at a bunch of our stuff." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why does Erin like Gabe?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Andy look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters... I'd choose you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's really nice, thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And I'd blow your mind." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[pours powdered seahorse into his wine glass]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[changes channel during commercial, sports scores appear on screen.]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jim what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, it was commercial break so I just wanted to check the scores." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Flip it back please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay... [changes back to Glee]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "The show's back on, what happened?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We're behind." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Go to the recorded version." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God what song was that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I wasn't recording it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[texting] What song was it?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wait, why do you have to record it?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is why Erin! We're living it! Start recording now!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Jim. [Jim gives her the remote]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay, they did Blinded by the Light and they did it with an actual blind guy. Was it worth it Jim? [Jim leaves] 'Cause we missed it!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "If I could get her sleeping normally I could get my life back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That would be nice wouldn't it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't even talk about it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know it's not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suit, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do rally, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suit in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I kind of doubt Gabe has suit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? Oh... Then here we are." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael. Gabe is making the pigs in a blanket, and he kind of needs some [Dwight shushes her] help so, [Erin whispering] he was wondering if you could help him. [Michael goes with Erin]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[enters room where Phyllis is pouring wine, using stadium announcer voice] Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Phyllis Vance! [sniffs her] Isn't that White Diamonds Maya Smith Taylor?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You know your perfumes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My nanny used to wear that." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work, but it is totally working! [clip of him doing pull ups in Gabe's doorway] I feel exactly like a seahorse! [Seahorse impression] Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Look who I found! [points to Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well I wasn't very hard to find." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Let's go ahead and wash our hands." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yep! Waste not right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So these are pizza dogs, they aren't pigs in a blanket per se." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks," }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe was born in 1982. He was the longest baby in the hospital." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's the longest baby in this room." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What's the longest thing you've ever seen? [Michael chuckles] For me it was the tale from Jets." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Erin you don't have to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what Erin you do have to." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Michael! You are making this harder than it has to be." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[grimacing] That's what she said. [leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering] Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's a miracle. She loves him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know about, love..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She loves me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[whispers in Dwight's ear] Outside my car in two minutes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well something's come up, I have to go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No no no no no! She'll wake up!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have something to do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Look, I know what you have to do, please stay with Cece. Dwight? I've always considered for us to be very good friends. Great friends! Remember your concussion?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do. But you married my worst enemy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well I think enemy's a strong word. 'Cause I think we have a really charming back and forth. And-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Absolutely! [starts out]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "From Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think that's gonna..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What kind of pizza would you like?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Surprise me. No! Pepperoni." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[outside opening Gabe's cable hookup box] Okay... Alright." } ], [ { "character": "TV", "line": "And the winner is, by two votes- [TV goes blank]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ahhh! What's going on?!?!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[muttering going on all around, Andy looks sick] Hey Creed, would you read Chinese?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Beleniege!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What does this say?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "HI mahhhh. Boo yowww. Gunjo! Ooh uncow!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[confused, rushes out of the room to the room Erin's in, picks up phone, talking fast] Hello UPS! Still waiting on that five minutes with Erin order. Oh never mind it's here. Oh if it isn't the bell of the ball! [queasily] You throw a lovely party ma lady..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[concerned] Are you having a good time?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy you look awful!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're four seasons in a day. [heaves] You... got the Autumn thing going on. But if you put on ba- [heaves again] Put if you put on a blue... [stops, is struggling] It's Spring Time in the Rockies!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Are you alright?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No! [runs off]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[referring to the pizza Jim is offering him] Insert it in my mouth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not gonna make your pizza eating experience any better. Trust me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, try me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, just don't think of it as degrading. Think of it as, you happen to be moving the six inches his way and he happens to be biting it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay... [puts pizza into Dwight's mouth]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Crust first. [Jim turns the pizza around] Okay, now the beer. [Jim shakes his head no] Beer me Jim. [Jim quickly puts the beer into his face] Ssss. Gentle. [drinks the beer] Now I've gotta go meet Angela." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What no, wait! You said you were gonna help us!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay, she needs to be serviced." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You need to stop talking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh come on, stop the fake prissy act. We're in the real world. Sex contracts exist!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay fine! There must be some way to get out of it. Even just for tonight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah sure, Jim could go see her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[unbelievingly] Okay..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You ever been with the blondes before? It's the big leagues." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm going home, and I'm taking my baby with me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No no no, don't. I will go talk to Angela." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She's in heat. She will eat your face off!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The reverse cycling ends tonight! [Pam leaves]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Jim] A single piece of pepperoni please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not gonna- [cuts himself off, Kevin walks in]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[getting under the bed covers] I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[throws up on bed] Puts pillow in front of the puke." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Are you alright?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin likes Gabe." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I know. I thought you two were nice together." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you think that they've ever..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Made love? I don't know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well girls tell each other things right?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'll see what I can find out." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Michael walks into disarray of people's reactions to the TV going out] Where you been?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just went out for a walk." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cable's out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Really? That stinks!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "It's still on upstairs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What does that mean? Party's over? Everybody leaves? Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[receiving message on his phone] Hey! Puck and Finn worked it out, and the solo is now a duet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now that's going on?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can't believe we're missing that!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Boy I wish I could see that. You know what? I have an idea. I don't know if it's gonna work, but let me give it this. Okay, I'm gonna give it shot. [hurries out]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Please Michael, just make the Glee happen!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Good luck Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Erin! Uhm, so how long have you two been going out now?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, uhm, like three months." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "And I imagine things are starting to heat up?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Of course you don't wanna rush things! I mean the anticipation can be so exquisite. Bob and I took our time. The first time we saw each other naked we didn't even make love, we just stared at each other until we fell asleep. It was magical." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[awkwardly] I have to go Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Magical..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[knocking on Angela's car window, Angela is naked inside] Hey in there. It's Pam. It's not Dwight! Don't think it's Dwight!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know you and Dwight have this weird deal, uhm, he sent me out here to see if you could postpone." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you authorized to do this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes! I have been so authorized." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ok, uhm, then tell him that we'll do this tomorrow night instead." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Wait Pam! How did he seem? Like, you know, did he seem disappointed?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, there are a lot of guys out there who would just love and appreciate a-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You know what Pam just save it." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Michael is outside fixing the cable box] You did this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No I was just check- Yeah. Yes I did, yeah yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why don't you like him?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is there to like? He's just, he's a weird little skeevy guy with no waist, why do you care whether we like him or not?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I care if you like him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why? I'm not your father. [Erin looks sad] All right." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go to your room." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What? [confused]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go to your room young lady!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[slowly getting it] Uhm, I'm not going to my room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not, to see that boy, anymore." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You listen to me. You are not to tell me what to do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I hate your roof!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh do not raise your voice to me!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'll raise it how I want! I'll raise the roof!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gahh, I will pull this car over!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I hate it! I hate your car!" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "See ya Oscar! [Oscar leaves]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[enters, looks to Gabe] If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart I will literally kill you and your entire family." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin. But not too much fun! That girl's gonna turn my hair gray." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[Andy is leaning over toilet] What happened?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I accidentally ate some seahorses." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "How much?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't know it's powdered, so like four or five, I don't know." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I've got just the thing! [leaves, comes back with a synthesizer] This one's called Earth Rise, on the Moon. [music plays]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's so beautiful." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[lights and power go off] Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. [Turns On Flashlight and holds it to his face] Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as the power and lights come back on] My Bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, it's saying the server went down? Does Anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise we can't do any work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh... try \"password\"." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Try zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, zero." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, now try Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I'm not doing every number." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh... it was like eight years ago?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Lord of the Ring stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Um, everyone was getting their driver's license." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't we just call the I.T. Guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in Glasses, again?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, moving backwards, our I.T. Guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I got it, try, um--[Coughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it, but Pam got really offended." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Big Boobs." }, { "character": "Meridith", "line": "Drama Queen?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nosy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're typing \"Big Boobs\"?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm trying everything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Try \"Big Boobs\" with a \"Z\"." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's-- [ding] the password. We're in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All Right" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The important thing is... this kept us secure people." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Morning." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How's It Going?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, I'm WUPHF." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[wearing Ryan's glasses] I'm Facebook." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's up Facebook?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You should've sent me a WUPHF." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A what?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[pulls out Blackberry] When you send a WUPHF, it goes to your home phone, Email, Facebook, Twitter and homescreen. All at the same time. [phone rings, computer chimes, printer starts up]" }, { "character": "Robotic Voice", "line": "WUPHF." }, { "character": "Ryan & Michael", "line": "WUPHF!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dot com!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[getting copies from the color copier behind the receptionist desk] Thanks Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-Hmm?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't wanna be a lousy snitch." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot, and as Office Administrator--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, it's okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But it's not for--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let it go." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I invested in WUPHF. It's actually a great idea and I can't believe it didn't exist before. And I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim. I've done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think an investor's ski trip is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I love it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was looking at a trail map, and I was thinking that we should start on a bunny hill, because I've never actually been skiing. And then work our way up to death drop." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your kidding?!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We could sell, but why think so small? We can just get a couple more people involved, really do this thing our way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You and me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "New Investors are key, though. That's actually why I came in today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't you work here full-time?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[chuckles] Today, I was thinking I would sit down with a few of the people who haven't invested yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-Hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Or we could do that together, if that sounds fun to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That does sound fun to me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Awesome." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[out in the parking lot with a guy unloading hay bales while Dwight sifts through the hay] Ah, this is good hay. Yeah. This is the good stuff, mattress quality." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it \"Hay Place\". Eldred Called it \"Hay World\". Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on! [guy comes and sticks a Bale of Hay right behing Dwight and knocks it into Dwight] Watch it, watch it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Don't forget to make a broom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey, I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Roll in the hay, five dollars." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, I meant... [motions you and me]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, our contract." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-Hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot. [looks at his watch] Uh... I've got a half an hour during lunch in-between the historical reenactment of the dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Perfect!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, uh... [notices a kid walking on a bale of hay] Excuse me, get off of there! Those are show bales, not play bales." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] All right, Thank you, I will--I will send the contracts over right away. All Right. [hangs up the phone and rubs his eyes] Whoo! [Erin jumps in the background]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest--if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Commission comes out to... dunh-duh-na-dah! Zero." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-Kay, Well, it can't be zero, Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said, \"dunh-duh-na-dah!\" I'm pretty sure I timesed it right." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You met your commission cap last week. So from here until the end of the fiscal year, your commission will be zero." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you talking about? We--we have a commission cap?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's a new corporate policy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dunh-duh-na-dah!" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Is this job really about the money for you, Jim? I mean, isn't this where you fell in love?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell. So you realize I now have no reason to work, right?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room. Okay, seeing these old guys walking around naked feels almost passive-aggressive. But I deal with it. 'Cause it's policy. See what I mean?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Nudity makes me uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it, and I just--[put's his hands cupped by his face and turns away] keep a low--you know, I look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me, everyone... SEX! Now that I have your attention..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You don't have our attention." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "MONEY!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm listening." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You had me at \"Sex.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pervert." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You have all of our attention just by screaming anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's good to know. [screams]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you want to say, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wuphf! All right, I've warmed them up for you. You have the floor, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How's everybody doing?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Good! Now, a lot of you have already staked out your corner of the WUPHF empire. Raise your hand if I'm describing you. [Michael, Pam, Daryl, and Stanley raise their hands]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yes, I have a dream. And It's not some M.L.K. Dream for Equality. I want to own a decommissioned Lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and it'll launch that lighthouse into space." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "For my current investors, things are going great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We already have a buyer." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?! Who?!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Washington University. I don't even want to think about selling until our numbers get into the billions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "At least." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So I've decided to open up a second round of investment to friends and family." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, God. Hold on to your wallets, ladies." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Did you ever think of WUPHF as an emergency notification system, like, for college campuses with shooters or gas leaks?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, no--Oscar, it's not--it's not a digital rape whistle. WUPHF is about fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's right!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Fun, communication, connection." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's your money situation?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, it's tight, as with any start-up." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sure, how long can you sustain this without a cash infusion?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We have nine solid days. I love these questions. Keep 'em coming." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm sorry, nine days until what?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Bankruptcy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How long do you think a week is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, not this weekend; next weekend. We were gonna go on the investors ski trip. I bought poles." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, since I have no incentive to sell, I've cleaned my car, organized my desk, and taken a multivitamin. So... what now?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam. Okay, now I've tried everything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you prank Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you like that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, it's not as fun if I'm not blowing off work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love you, but I'm kinda busy. So I need you to figure this one out on your own." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[blows a raspberry, Erin looks shocked, Kevin chuckles]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar said WUPHF only has enough money for nine days." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[colorful poster with numbers] Check this out." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "All that color." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that. Triple your investment by January." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Anyone can just throw numbes up on a chart. What are you doing to make it happen?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There you go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You have his email?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "A lot of these guys are just Mac.com, @ their website, whatever. We get that guy WUPHFing, it's all over." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I want my money back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do not talk like that, Stanley." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ryan, just tell us your plan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, all right. I know what you wanna see. I'll be right back." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[hits the back of a Dunder-Mifflin Delivery Truck with his hand] Hey kids, was that fun?" }, { "character": "Kids", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All Right!" }, { "character": "Kid", "line": "I wanna go on it again." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks. [kid gives him three more bucks]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing... and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[waiting for Dwight at their meeting place, slams the door shut]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Where have you been?! I've been waiting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, can we move this to the end of the day?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, I--I think you should make time for it." }, { "character": "Little Girl", "line": "I found the needle in the haystack!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, congratulations! Do you know what your prize is?" }, { "character": "Little Girl", "line": "I don't know!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "WUPHF T-Shirts. Who wants one? Just imagine that you're at spring break, Daytona Beach." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Everyone's like, \"Hey Dude, whats up with all the hotties in the WUPHF shirts?\" Or, Uh, \"Hey, what's up with that helicopter? It's Ry from WUPHF!\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"It's Ryan the WUPHF guy!\"" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "\"Yo, Ry from WUPHF!\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"He's up there.\"" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "\"What's he dropping?! Wow, what's falling on us, man?!\" WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look, this is a marketing campgain. You got nine days. Let's say you do get the money. What are you going to do with it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The first lesson of Silicon Valley, actually, is that you only think about the user, the experience. You actually don't think about the money. Ever." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That sounds weird." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not weird, Andy, and you know what else? We have an offer from Washington University. So monetize that." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[walks in] Are you guys meeting about WUPHF? You know that that was my idea, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I said to Ryan, \"I try to call you, and you don't have your phone. I try to I.M. You, and you're not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, 'Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!'\"" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Baby, Baby, Baby--" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I think I'm gonna stay here." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, no, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I do, I do. This isn't right." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I help you with your things and you help me with my things." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But I--it's not right." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[whispering] I got this, it's okay. Don't worry about this." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Is it any particular branch of Washington University?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The Washington University Public Health Fund." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "W.U.P.H.F." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, God!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "They only want it for the initials." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The domain name. Yeah, they do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I move we sell!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, sell!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, sell." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sell." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Get us out of this!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Have some faith in this idea!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If everybody wants to sell, we sell, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I won't sell. And you know what? Ryan and I have the majority of shares. Isn't that right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes. You alone do, actually." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I--yes. We're not selling. I will not sell." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[runs to and inside the Hay Place maze] Awesome!" } ], [ { "character": "Man", "line": "Do you mind if we share this bale?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "There's no charge to sit on the hay, is there?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Probably." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "I mean, wouldn't you think the ten dollars to build your own broom would include the hay and not just the instructions?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-Hmm." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "I mean, I'm starting to think this guy is just trying to make money off the holiday." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, instead of Hay Place, it should be pay place. [man laughs] Don't laugh at me." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "No, no, no, I wasn't--I was just laughing at your joke." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Pay Place." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm. Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-Me-Your-Money Day. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "That's humorous." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank You." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[stuck in the maze, says to some kids running around in the maze] You guys know how to get out? [kids run away screaming]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can't talk, saving the planet." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, we don't recycle." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We Don't? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sure no one asked you to do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[throws the sack of garbage onto the floor] Eight Years." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Listen, I know you really like Ryan--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I won't even consider it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, I... [sits down] I hate to say this, but... you know this special bond that you've always felt with Ryan, where, like, you're best friends or you're his mentor or something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right, Yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, I think that feeling only goes one way. And I think that Ryan knows that, and he's taking advantage of you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you are wrong." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You may be right. I may be crazy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I thought it might make me feel better." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Go Ahead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] But it just may be a lunatic... [stops singing] No." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hovering over Meredith's desk] Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go." }, { "character": "Meridith", "line": "Hey, back off. It's Solitare." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey, kid--hear you're looking for work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Talk to me." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "How far can you reach those Lovely long arms of yours? [Jim reaching his arms out as far as he can go] Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours? [Jim inhales] Good." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "We're working. [Jim still holding his breath]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Can you at least try to look busy? [Jim Exhales]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[listening to and editing Jo's book on tape]" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "\"The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled her aside and said, \"You're Too Fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.\" The next time I saw David Geffen was at the buffalo club. \"I love you, you Gay Bastard,\" I said. \"You Gay Bastard,\" I s--. \"Gay Ba--\" \"Gay B--\"\"" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, how's it going, bro?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, good, bro." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, thanks so much for having my back out there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Always have your back. So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I have nothing but ideas. The thing is, they all require money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nine days, though. That's, like..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look, I know I've tapped you so hard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, you have tapped this. Hard." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[laughs] Oh, you are funny, Michael. You--people, people don't give you enough credit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, a lot of people are doing that. And there don't seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you would think that's a good idea for me to do?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Think about this. You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-Hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We totally should." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tonight?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I gotta work on this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah. [Michael closes the door]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's hay king. All in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for... Mixed Bread. [crowd applauds] And let's hear it for... Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... [all three contestants begging for Dwight to pick them] Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King! [drowd leaves disgusted, as Dwight's worker claps]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Man", "line": "So, if I were to call Dunder Mifflin and ask for Miss Angela Martin, would I get through to you?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You would. And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife, would I get through to you?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "My wife passed away a few years ago." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How tragic. Very sorry to hear that." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Thank You." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[still stuck in maze] Help! Hello?! Oh! Help![runs around the maze]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[opens the door the Ryan's office, grabs him by the shirt, pulls him out of his chair] Consider it a WUPHF in person. [shoves Ryan down to a chair]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Your doing the wrong thing. You're gonna lose Michael's investment. You're gonna lose ours." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back. Tell Mike To Sell." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm betting on myself." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's a bad bet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they're wrong?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's not that we don't believe in the company, We don't believe in you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All those in favor of selling, say aye. [all say \"aye\"]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I. Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What is wrong with you? What happened to you in High School?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael, are you that blind?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. [all seem to be in agreenment] And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high. And he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're gonna lose all of our money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I--I'm gonna need some more time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can't have it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay. I won't let you down. [Ryan goes back into his office and shuts the door]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela? [slides open the door] Angela! [see's a note on the door, reads it, and then crumples it up]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The world sends people your way... Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. [camera pans to different people in the office] Jim, that guy is an ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my queen. That's easy. Gimme a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam's a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two. But sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out. And I am obviously the joker. So... [phone rings, computer chimes, etc.] That's Uh..." }, { "character": "Robotic Voice", "line": "WUPHF, from Ryan Howard. Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank God." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[puts his phone in his coffee mug and calls Gabe]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Gabe Lewis." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "[Jim's edited version of her book on tape]: Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, Jo--" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Now, I love reading, and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One. I was born, not into luxary, nor poverty. [Gabe looks through Jo's book] But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My Father was a man. That's all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Stree and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[opens door to Gabe's office] All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. [Gabe motions that he's on the phone] 'Cause I really think I made good use of my day, oh! Sorry." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I've always been a fighter. And Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard--" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[picks up pencil between his toes]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. [attempts to place pencil in pencil sharpener] Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes. [accidentally kicks items from his desk onto Pam's]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you mind?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You don't have to do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[typing with his toes] D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whistling, places cup of coffee onto Dwight's desk] Ahh, Thank you hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[lifts cup up with toes]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, don't worry about it. Dwight, its okay. You were wrong." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[spills hot coffee on himself] Uhh, aah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, A for effort right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[taps Jim's hand with his foot]" } ], [ { "character": "Hank", "line": "Welcome, start your morning right with a burst of blueberry. Or try plain." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's the occasion?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Dwight said this entry was a waste of space." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Eight dollars." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Eight dollars?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[examines items on the reception desk] Mmhmm, China. China." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How was the dentist?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was great. China." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you okay, what's wrong?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everything here was made in China, Pam." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, its where they make stuff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They used to make stuff in America, Andy. But we're falling behind, did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, right here. It is right there. [holds up magazine] Anybody read the news any more?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "China is on the move?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read, that's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You gotta stop texting me so much." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You need to change your standard for what's worthy of a text. Ask yourself is this something Darryl needs to know. The answers almost always no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Got it. Then I will call you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. \"I'm coming over baby.\" And I would text back \"BTB\", bring that booty." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Umm, Stanley. Maybe you could just unspool a little more each time you need to..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Don't tell me how to do my business." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which is you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Which is you\" is not a sentence." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I disagree with." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are you just gonna sit there, Office Administrator, or are you going to do something?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, can we talk about these cutbacks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not going to do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "[on the phone] Y'ello." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi Nate, Its Pam Halpert." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Oh, hey Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, I would just love to schedule a meeting today with Dwight." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Let me put you on hold for just one 'eensy sec." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Hey Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police in connection with a string of dog-nappings that ha..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[hangs up phone] Dwight. Dwight. Can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with, people he's worked with for years. His friends." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity. [Kevin smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "According to the internet, the tallest man in the world is Chinese." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So much for keeping our secrets up high." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What's America gonna do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know what we're going to do. We're going to put our best minds on it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower, where forks are irrelevant, and where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You never told us to close them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welcome to your future." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What do we do? How do we stop this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do we stop it? With a big idea. That's what America is built on, big ideas. Blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Whose got one, whose got a big idea?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, indeed. Yes Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "An antacid that you only take once a week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael! An antacid pill that you take once every six weeks." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why not just go one for the year?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's too big of a pill to swallow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy, and then we all kill him, but first we take out like a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy. I bet you guys like that idea don't you?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know what the [expletive] that was." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, Dwight's right we should drop a bomb." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No he's not right. We're not. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are fifty six cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[gasps]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually, that's not true. I know the figure you're referring to, and it's a projection of fifteen years from now." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. That is right now." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, China's agrarian. Urbanizing fast? You bet 'cha, but still agrarian." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In terms of land, not population." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Come on Michael. You can..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no you're wrong about this." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Where are you getting this information?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got it from NewYorkTimes.com" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Uh oh, getting nervous Oscar?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, someone look it up." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm on it Jim. I'm on it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Guys its not worth it really. Guys this is not worth our time." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[reads text] \"Are you watching this?\" Seriously?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well are you?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm sitting right here." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Got it. China has fifty six cities with a population of over one million. The US has... nine." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Suck it Oscar." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Great. I was wrong. I'm wrong. Is everyone happy?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? [laughs] I don't care." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar?" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wow, so this building can get uglier." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I will not work in a roach billboard." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh my God, I can't look at roaches." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael do something about this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Absolutely, Pam this is exactly why I hired you as Office Administrator, handle it. Taking care of business." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight take it down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[chuckles]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm serious, take it down or else." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or else? Or else what? There's nothing you can do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We can move out." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[lights turn off] Really? [jumps to try and activate motion sensor, Kevin walks through the door setting it off, and the lights come back on]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, does anyone wanna know where I've been for the last 2 hours?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh God, I've been playing Zombie Soccer for two hours?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I went out to look for a better office space." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Waste of time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not really, because I found one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh wow, these are nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me see." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Look at the huge offices Jim, check out that conference room." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, yeah. Totally." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't just move out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh in three months we can. Check the lease, and if you don't undo all the changes you've made, we're moving. Hey guys, can I show you some pictures." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[without looking at the pictures] Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're not of Cece." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well I like being in the same building as Bob. Keeps me honest." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, this building isn't far, and its much newer. There's a dry cleaner, nail place and a gym. Oh, and it's next-door to and Outback so it always smells like steak." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are you trying to kill me?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Is the nail place Koreans or whites?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Koreans." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Good. And the dry cleaners?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "White." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Woah, there is a lot of brainpower in this room. We've got Michael and Oscar, the two smartest guys in the office, also in that order." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Funny Jim. That is funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very comedically humorous Jim." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I have a computer question. Hey Oscar?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Alright. Alright I get it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Michael, how do I create a new tab?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Try 'Control P'." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's print." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not if the printer isn't hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He's... he's not smarter than me, he was just right about one thing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, but it was a really smart thing to be right about, actually." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Actually, it was." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Around here, Oscar is known as 'actually' because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts, or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[reading text] Megan Fox. Question mark. What's that mean?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Megan Fox! Come on!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You know what, you're one bad text away from getting blocked." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, but one good text away from a high five." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You accept these terms?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, its on." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In your perfect would, what would make this building awesome? I'm putting together kind of a wish list." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, I wish for a million wishes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, no. I'm not a genie. I'm just talking about a..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Then see you later building." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't possibly be serious." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I said see you later building." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'd love to talk more about it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Maybe over some coffee later?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Woah, woah, woah. Do you know what you just agreed to?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Coffee Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It is not just coffee." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's trying to set you up Michael. What's going to happen is he's going to try and bring up what ever you're talking about in a very casual way, but secretly he'll be trying to trip you up, and when he does, boom, its awful. Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up the Tour de France around him?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, well I just need to learn everything about China. To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time. Okay, okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No politics?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm pretty good on politics. \"California is bankrupt, and California, California.\" [Jim and Andy follow Michael into his office] What?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Parley, my office, five minutes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Parley?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Pirate code, he wants to meet." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So everyone here knows pirate code?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I understand it, I can't speak it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You've been watering down the soap?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We need everything back the way it was." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. [lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Where is Tibet?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pass." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "When was China founded?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pass." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Two for two, keep it up." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Who is Mao?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Lifeline." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Damn it. Michael, you are moments away from the smack down of your life. If you don't know something, steer the conversation back to something you do know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do you know about boobs?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael, I have to tell you something it's from Rocky II." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This guy doesn't just wanna win. Y'know, he want's to bury you. He wants to humiliate you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm like a quarter of the way through." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it going to be worth it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Just in case Michael, I made you a cheat sheet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't need to cheat." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Show him how to use it." } ], [ { "character": "Nate", "line": "[riding in car, looking for new office] Ten thousand seven hundred and six." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here it is, right here, pull over. Oh my God. No way. Man, look at that." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's no building. This could only mean one thing." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "The building's underground?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She was lying. Oh, Pam, Pam..." }, { "character": "Dwight & Nate", "line": "Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam." }, { "character": "Passer-by", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Pam. Pam?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Passer-by", "line": "I'm Pam." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "No you're not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry. We have a colleague with the same name." }, { "character": "Passer-by", "line": "Oh, that's fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, okay. You're not a liar too are you?" }, { "character": "Passer-by", "line": "I've been known to bend the truth." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it, Pam. Get out. Right now. Leave it, I mean it. Get the hell out of here. Go." }, { "character": "Passer-by", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Y'know what, I'm the only one here who you haven't asked about the new office." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know, because you're the reason we're moving." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, but I'm still an employee here, and that part of me is really excited about the change of scenery. What's the square footage in the new place?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uhh, I think it's something like umm..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's the exact square footage." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Umm, let me see." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How many offices are there? Oh I'll just look at the one sheet myself." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, actually I don't know what I did with the one sheet. Y'know, that's the problem. You only have one sheet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[chuckles] You're a funny guy Pam. What's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? I'm going to walk down the hall and say \"Wow, I can't believe this is real, but it is.\" I can't wait." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmhmm." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I lied about some aspects of the building." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's still on a bike path though right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's no building... it doesn't exist." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Fail. I don't want to fail... again." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you didn't fail." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And you didn't fail those things either." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is that I've been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We have missiles too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon." } ], [ { "character": "Nate", "line": "I wasn't here. [places a book in front of Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "I wasn't here. It's a pretty common saying. You may want to log it away for future use." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well thanks." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually, we're in a mild recession right now. I'll give you that, but people use China as the boogie man for all their problems. In the nineteen eighties, it was Japan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy's heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? I'd say that's far more relevant. Wouldn't you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't... I..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello, hello. You're breaking the law." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Impossible, I love the law." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Read article nineteen. There are suitable standards that you have to maintain the building at that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two, and no more tampering with the toilet paper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I see I've underestimated you, and I didn't think that was possible. Nate, reply the paper." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "I don't think it goes that way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Reply it!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Don't worry about the coffee, its on me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I figured that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait. You forgetting something?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This chat. Two men, one white, one latina. A boss and a money cruncher. I could fire you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Fire him. No, show mercy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we are." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's your point." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My point is... that as long as people like you and me don't stop talking, nobody can stop the USA." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. [clapping]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Right, yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am talking about freedom, about choice. America, I don't think you need to worry. Because if you want to beat China you will. If you don't, that's fine. That my friend, is your victory. Y'know, a lot of people say if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China, and that may be the true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend. So here is to conversation." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Raise your cups on high. Case closed." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That wasn't what we were discu... That wasn't the whole..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[reads text] Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Shhh. You're gonna scare 'em away. [two pigeons are eating out of a soft serve cone]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[laughs] That's a text. [high fives Andy]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Right." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's your new standard." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Nate", "line": "Got it. [taking a group photo outside]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay let's go in. I'm freezing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "One Charlie's Angels. One. Let's go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one's putting this on their fridge." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I got it, you guys, how 'bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, 'why I oughta', and the girls are like, 'let's go shopping!'." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's just jump in the air!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "One, two, three. [everyone jumps at different times] Not everyone jumped." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "One, two, three. [everyone jumps] Still some people not jumping." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You gotta be kidding me. Who isn't jumping?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I am jumping." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes, I'm jumping." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me see you jump. [Phyllis barely jumps] Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm freezing." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three'." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I didn't want to miss it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Here's a question nobody's asking: Is this worth it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three, [some people jump] two, [others jump] one, [others jump] zero. [everyone begins to yell]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We didn't get it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm the office administrator now, which means I'm basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head... I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It hardly looks fake. It's so lush." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why's it smell real? [Pam shows him a hidden car-freshener] Ah... good one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! [dressed as Santa]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How's everybody doing today?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How's the party coming along?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are we over budget?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Not yet!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What's the problem?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nothing. Should be fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[cheerily] Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I'm doing fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yea?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatcha got?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All good, Santa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's a relief. Santa's gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that's what I want. That's what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's present time, you guys. [all react] Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "We just want to say how grateful we are." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, \"Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello Kitty's for girls." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nashua got mp3 players." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I don't even have a laptop." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh come on." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I said, \"I wonder.\" I didn't say, \"I think.\"" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Blankets, what am I, five?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Erin and I make great use of ours." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we're still dating?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll take one of those pink pouches." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I feel good today. My little girl Jada? It's my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago I had her, and we had the best time. I tivoed her favorite shows, some things I've never heard of. iCarly... You know who's funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He's got a nice way of talking." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, it's snowing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[mocking] Oh, my God! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams, hmm? It's not even a real snow. Look, it's a dusting. Pitiful." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim goes outside, makes a snowball, and brings it back inside] Hey, Dwight. [Jim throws the snowball at Dwight and everyone laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it, Jim, you cannot throw snowballs in here!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it's not a snowball, 'cause it's only a dusting. Right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You coulda killed me." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, don't be such a baby." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah, who's a little girl now? [everyone laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You apologize to me right now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You've got something on your nose." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You apologize right now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it. [Jim continues to shake Dwight's hand] Jim, let go. Let go." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Angela, are you bringing you new boyfriend to the party." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I wouldn't subject Robert to that. He's a very busy senator." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "State senator." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would not expect you to know what it's like to date someone in the public arena." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Who are you dating in the public arena?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The senator." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, right. The state senator." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptroller's wife." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, that would be impressive... if anyone knew what a comptroller was." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well..." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. \"Angela...\" [imitates camera shooting] \"over here, Angela...\" [imitates camera shooting] \"here. Look here!\"" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Before we kick off the party, I just want to remind everyone that an office party is just that..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A party. It's not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam? Pam?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, there are, there are questions to that. Okay. Um, you know what, no questions. Last item on the agenda, Toby would like to make an announcement." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I'll be taking a leave of absence starting next week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, because you've been on the Lam? Because the 'boring police' have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Death to Toby!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, that's hurtful talk. We've talked about that. You know, I don't interrupt your announcements." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's the case, Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, I really can't talk about it, but it's a very high profile case." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is it criminal?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Have we heard of it?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Guys, it's a really big deal. [rubs his neck]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "He's rubbing his neck." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He's rubbing his neck." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, Scranton Strangler! [all react]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty. [excited outbursts]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was the worst joke ever." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, uh, she'll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hold on, Holly's coming back here?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Guys, who's Holly?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "She's one sassy black lady." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly's coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, we'll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cancel. We're canceling it. [Michael starts to throw away all of the food]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, don't throw those out!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we have to cancel the party." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We can save that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, we're gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I bought these." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "These cookies are fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not. They're not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, Michael, wait we don't have, we don't have the budget for another party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well then everybody'll chip in, it'll be fine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I honestly think you're idealizing people here again, Michael. I don't think that's gonna happen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for the party. It doesn't matter. This is way too important. People, Holly's coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person's breath away." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they've never been cool. [imitating Sean Connery] The name is Bond... Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa... wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can't get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He's not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus... God! Ow! [camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael's pants]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Just stop moving your calves so much while you're talking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, this year's gonna be different. We're gonna have fun. It's not gonna be tacky. It's going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It's not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It's gonna be cool, sleek Santa." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Maybe I'll bring my boyfriend. I'll invite him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Sure." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I mean, unless there's any chance there could be press at this party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You never know about the press." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I only ask because he's a senator." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could he help us with some parking tickets?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't think that's appropriate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then he's not a senator." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, he is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We still doing the gifts today? [Pam nods] I mean, it is the Christmas party. Well, the classy Christmas party." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. But don't get too excited, 'cause I didn't have a lot of time this year." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Me neither. Whew." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I've been working forever on Jim's present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He'll take a memory or a private joke, and he'll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes 'bear man'. Wreaks havoc on the office. It's really good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[A note is on Jim's computer that says, \"It is time. Parking lot at noon.\" Jim nods and hands it to Dwight who burns it.]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... [sighs] Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it has the little..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, no, no. Holly's coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it's a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you." }, { "character": "Bass Player", "line": "Hi, I'm looking for Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, that's me. Come on it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[scats awkwardly] There's nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what's better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, uh, any volunteers to come with me to go buy a Christmas tree?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I would, but I don't want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It's just us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I will help. Although my 'brid', my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won't fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, do you mean Darryl? That's a great idea. I'll ask him." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know Darryl?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. He works here. We all know him." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I should come along, just 'cause he's my, you know, he's my hookup." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Come on, now, Justine, look... Listen, look, I've been planning this, okay? You cannot do this, Justine." }, { "character": "Justine", "line": "[on the phone] I'm not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "She did?" }, { "character": "Justine", "line": "Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't know... I thought I was enough family for my daughter." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Pam knocks on Darryl's door] Don't come in, I'm busy. [Pam opens the door]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's cool, Darryl, I'm here too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, sorry, I really didn't want to come in. It's just that we have to go buy a new Christmas tree, and we're hoping we could borrow your truck." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh, no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on, it'll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No. Thank you for your interest in my truck." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Sorry. We'll uh, we'll leave you alone." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey... [sighs] You know what, I could use a breath of fresh air. Let's do it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I've looked her up online... there's nothing about her. She's made no impression on the internet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She doesn't need an internet presence, you just know." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the courthouse." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, we're on recess. I came for the party. Hey, everyone." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi, Toby." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That scowl." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I can't talk about it or I'll get removed from the jury." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But, they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we're just talking." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[standing outside, dials Dwight's cell phone]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[voicemail recording] You've reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave... [Jim hangs up and turns for the door. It is pad locked. Jim turns as Dwight springs from a nearby snowman and pelts him with snowballs.]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop! Stop!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ahh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh... oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grunting, shouting]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim, then rests his foot on Jim and raises his arms in the air] Haahh!! [runs off]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, I was laying on the ground, defenseless, and uh, he just kept throwing 'em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, [cell phone chimes] then... [reading text message] \"How 'bout icing it? lol. Dwight.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Is there any way I can get a hand with these, please?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm really sorry, I can't help you. I'm waiting for my boss' pretty friend to arrive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God's sake?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, you're Holly! Of course. Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[weak Clint Eastwood accent] Well, well, well, if it isn't Michael Scott. You old bastard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating her accent] Well, I never thought I'd see your face around these parts, you old bastard." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Curly] Why, you're some sorta wise guy, huh?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[as Curly] I most certainly am." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Unnnnnnngh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Homer] D'oh!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[as Marge] Oh, Homey. [they both laugh]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay... Holly's back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. Hi. Oh... [they hug]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[in monster voice] Oh, huggy monster!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! [both sigh] Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Did you bring us anything from Nashua?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, yeah. I brought um, some maple candy. But I have to admit, I got a little hungry on the drive, and I ate some of them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's adorable." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Would you put those out?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "To throw out? Or put out, like, six pieces for everyone?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, it's so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It's like a party for limousine drivers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, it's fabulous. I love what you did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Isn't it wonderful? We love it here. Don't you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[in the same accent] Watch out for my guns they're both loaded. [makes gun noises]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aww..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's a pea shoot..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is weird. I can't believe you're here. This feels like you never left. Doesn't it?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, kind of." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! [the both chuckle] Oh, I love toy..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "AJ gave me that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy's mom." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because without Andy's mom, there's no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn't seen any of the Toy Story movies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're kidding me. Ahh!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No. I know. I was like, \"What? Are you serious?\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What a douche bag!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Get a life!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get a... yeah! Good riddance." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We sat down and we watched them all in one day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Now he's the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good for him." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Next day I found him in my bed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? That's creepy. How did AJ get in your house?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We live together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you do?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "He had a little note pinned to him that said, \"You've got a friend in me.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[fighting back tears] Yeah, Randy Newman's the best." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah. I love him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Me too." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won't you be my Christmas tree." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, how about this one?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe. I mean..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[on the phone] I just, no, she be talking to your mom or something. This is my daughter too, Justine! You seem to think, [Justine hangs up] oh... pick a damn tree already." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, hey, Darryl, listen, it's none of my business, but if I couldn't have Cece for Christmas, I'd be really upset too." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Jada don't want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasn't as much fun. And how could she say that? You know, I took her to the toy store to buy her own presents." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess that's something to do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, you should have her mom do the boring Christmas stuff on her time. You should be associated with the fun parts of Christmas." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "How do I do that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bring her to the party. Yeah, we'll have Santa, and we'll play games with her. It'll be a lot of fun." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You'll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey guys, the tree's here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nobody hug me, I'm covered in tree sap, so..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why would someone hug you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I'm Santa Claus. Welcome." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a sophisticated take." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "He doesn't look like Santa Claus." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, he doesn't. [to Michael] I told her Santa would be here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who told you that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So is it an open relationship?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, God, no." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, you're almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I want kids. I really want kids. But AJ and I are practically engaged. We talk about spending our lives together." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So where's the ring?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kelly! Um, how are you adjusting to the move?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Nobody cares about that. Look, you have to make him commit, or kick his butt to the curb." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You guys, I don't think any of us are really qualified to be giving Holly personal advice about her love life." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, I mean, maybe Holly's not in any position to be shooing guys away." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't get it! I'm sorry. I just, I don't get it!" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay, listen, I'm gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose by the end of this year, we're over." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, an ultimatum." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It doesn't really seem like you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[turns in Pam's chair with a Pam wig on and laughs maniacally]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't. Stop, Dwight! [Dwight pelts Jim with snowballs] Dwight, stop! Dwight, stop!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no. Oh, no!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no. Yes, taste my wrath!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Okay. Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Huh? You like that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Seriously!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Okay. [Dwight throws another snowball and laughs maniacally]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just want it to stop." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, cool right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "There's no connection between the origin story and the quest." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise, it's the bear's quest." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, well, I just sorta meant, like, cute, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, did you come here for help, or did you come here for me to tell you how great it is?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, help, if it's something simple, like add page numbers or laminate it or..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, it sounds like you know what you want. [Pam walks away] It's also a little derivative of a serias called 'Bear Man'. Did you look that up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, Jim. Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "There's this female uh, uh, stenographer at the courthouse..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Who looks exactly like you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's increadible." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah. No, it's uncanny." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what's crazy?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second. [he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick, misses, and shatters a window, everyone gasps] Excuse me. [clears throat]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don't. And that's just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. [clip of Michael throwing Holly's Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's so cold. Even with my coat on." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car... for screwing Americans." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "You guys, this has to stop. Someone could have really gotten hurt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you talking about? You're the one terrorizing me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "With snowballs, Jim? With fluffy little snowballs? No. I thought we were just playing." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Dwight's right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. I'm really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here, you were both best friends." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? [he holds up a toy taxi cab] Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, what girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I haven't told you about her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that's pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, \"Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab.\"" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I didn't know you had a girlfriend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do. She is." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain't Tara." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So you went homemade this year." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah. Money problems, is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don't think we can help you out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no. Jim had a great year, actually. I just wanted to get your opinion." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Are you good at homemade?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Look at this." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah..." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[walks in with a dirty Woody] Who did this? It's obvious to me I'm not welcome here, but somebody better tell me who did this, or else I'm leaving." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, I don't think Erin seems to like you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's not true. I don't know her enough to make a decision even." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby's very jealous of all the attention you've been getting." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, I would never ever do anything like that. But it does seem like something you would do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn't that nice? Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, wait, guys, listen. Toy Story is all about toys that come to life when people aren't looking. You don't think... it's not possible... that Woody did this to himself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is Christmas." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, it really seems like something Michael would do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why would anyone frame you for that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I'm sorry, why are we discounting this whole \"Woody came to life\" thing so quickly?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahhhhhh! [laughs] Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You think this is funny?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] I don't. But someday I think we will laugh about this... when we tell our kids..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yikes. [everyone gasps]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh no, that's, that's not happening." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dear God in heaven." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, you have to let this go. I'm with someone else. I don't feel that way anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That's what Jim and Dwight thought." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, hey, hey, hey..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, fake girlfriends are always wrong." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I'd get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, \"Michael, I love you, but I can't do this.\" But then, with this other guy, you don't have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And we did this whole stupid party for you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[blocks Holly's path] No." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You guys, it wasn't my fault." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I really think you're better off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it, reading the note] \"Hey, Pickles, Merry Christmas. Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese.\" [opens the present and a snowball shoots out at him, everyone laughs] Damn it, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, they bring it in." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You lucky son of a bitch." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... that is the life." } ], [ { "character": "Jada", "line": "Daddy, I'm bored. Can I read my book in your office?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Sure, sweetie." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jada, Darryl, I'm so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my goodness." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ohh, that sounds fun and Christmasy, you mean old grinch!" }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "What kind of challenges." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wahhh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Something like an obstacle course, Mr. Grinch?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?" }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you know the other state?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star, and we could ask for clues, and he'll tell us if we're hot or cold." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she's burning up because the star is right behind her ear! [pulls star from coat and pretends to find it behind Jada's ear]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And the game's over seconds later." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm so glad you could come." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It's nice. I know." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend, Senator Robert Lipton." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Senator, it's an honor. I'm Angela's friend Oscar." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oscar. A pleasure." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor." } ], [ { "character": "AJ", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "I'm, uh, I'm AJ. I'm here to see Holly. It's kind of a surprise." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know who you are, and I think you should go." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I bet you didn't even bring us anything, did you?" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Was I supposed to bring you guys something?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What? AJ!" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Surprise." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What are you doing here? Oh, my God." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "I wanted to see you. How are you?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Wow! Nice." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Oh, God, you look great." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh... when did you get here?" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Just now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Just now. Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Pleased to see you. Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good trip down?" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Yeah, it was great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am dead inside." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What do you want, baby? We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies..." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "You have a whole room of vending machines?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[chuckles] I know. Isn't it something?" }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "I can't decide what I want." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[handing out vending machine items to everyone] Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "And Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "And Merry Christ... mas." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Thank you so much." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Merry Christmas to you." } ], [ { "character": "Jada", "line": "Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Bass Player", "line": "Oh, thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Oscar unwraps a pair of Uggs] For your feet!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[holding a knitted iPad case] It's amazing. It's so great. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[Angela hands Creed a pack of deodorant] For me?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mmhmm." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards, but Robert was instrumental in that legislation." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wow, that's awesome!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "A real David and Goliath story." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'm just so touched that she's so interested in my work." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "The real problem is the teachers' union." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Zip it, Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still can't read." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, who's in charge of making drinks around here? Is there a bartender?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You are. You make your own drink. [Ryan groans]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll make it. What are you drinking." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "An 'F' train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know how to make that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, well, I'll just stick with my mojito." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he's helping eradicate them as well. I mean, I think they've really become a pest." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Annoying." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Jim hits a ceiling panel] I don't think he's in the ceiling, babe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, uh... I don't think any of us really know. Alright. [Jim hands Pam a present]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it... is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? [she shakes it]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh, go easy with the shaking." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[lifting up a diamond bracelet] Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You like it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn't make that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, my turn." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, um, it's just, I didn't, I didn't have a lot of time, so that's just a place holder." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right. Of course. [reading the comic book] \"The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert.\" Oh, my God. This is awesome! That's my bike. That's my desk. And that is my daughter." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean... [speechless]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, wait!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey, hey, no, don't run. You're gonna slip." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's good advice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's a sad story." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything's gonna be okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not. It's not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I shouldn't tell you this, but... AJ won't commit to Holly. And she's gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose to her by the end of the year, it's over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really. And I don't know about you, but I don't know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So just be patient." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don't want you to fall." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I surrender." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do not accept your surrender. There's only one way that I would ever relent." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Anything. You got it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're a psychopath." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll take that as a no." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You're re-gifting this to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that's not... no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This is a fast food receipt from April." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "God, how many number nines did you order?" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Is everyone here kind of mean?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I think everyone's on edge because of the strangler trial." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey, I'm so glad you came down. It's been so much harder than I expected." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Hey, what happened to Woody?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, okay, get ready for this. You're not gonna believe it. I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "He smells awful." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It was blue cheese dressing." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We wanted to give you something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What do you say?" }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn't he say that?" }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I know where he is." } ], [ { "character": "Jada", "line": "A trampoline..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "Video games." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Video games." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "A DSi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A DSi?" }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "A horse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A horse." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "A pool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You, are you sure you don't want a pony? You want a real horse?" }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. You have to pick up after them." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, sorry. I'm ready." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't want to go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh... come on, bear man. Come on. [the lights flicker]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Have you ever seen 'em do that? [walk outside and the parking lot is covered with snowmen]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry. I had no idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's, it's okay. Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. This is it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Go! Go! Go!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? What is it? What? What is, oh, my God! [Jim starts attacking snowmen] Honey? Jim? Jim!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Man", "line": "Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This meeting is for Knights of the Night only." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm actually just looking for my Blackberry, so, carry on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs, ha, ha, ha... screw you!" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Dwight, don't be bothered by your friend's presence." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leader's weird voice? Huh? [mimicking the leader's voice] Dwight, don't be bothered by the [mumbles]. Over the line, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just looking for my phone, so... pretend I'm not here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. That's our official name, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Smart." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And the rest was just [mumbles]stuff." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Go ahead and read it, some people weren't here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, come on, that sounds awesome." }, { "character": "Member", "line": "It was pretty cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Was it?" }, { "character": "Member", "line": "It was fun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was pretty awesome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[answers phone] Hey! Yeah. No, I got it. Just leaving now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let's switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[filming video] Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[giggles] Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, so killing yourself. [laughs] I was just thinking about snot." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display them on... da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow. Did your baby draw that?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The glitter is blinding." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think it's good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's gonna be fun." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she's awesome." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I know Sue. She's not that great. And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, champagne." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Happy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sponge." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sad. To soak up my tears." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gummi bears and gummi worms." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ukulele's happy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sad, something to break." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Chocolates." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For you, job well done." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you! And two bottles of scotch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Both sad." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And did you get the tickets?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite. I hope she doesn't call us up on stage. That would suck. \"Hey, you think you can do my job better?\" I don't know. \"What's your name?\" Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey, guys! I'd like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine. His name is New Year's resolution board." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shaaa-shut up. Hello." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What happened? Is there a ring?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So... high five me. We're back. To a happy... [grabs Holly's hand] look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[whispering] Come on!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "They're warm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put 'er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! That's a good firm handshake. You're hired! Yes, let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Yes, yes, right away." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat up to 90, smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, no, why? Stop! Yes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Holly takes off mittens revealing no ring on her ring finger] Congratu-ohhh." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God! That's it! That's it!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes, I told everyone." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[sticking both ring fingers up] Ha ha, ha ha!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey! [sticking up middle finger] Right back atcha, bitch!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm trying!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] I said breathe!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm trying!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] Wait a second, are you listening to music?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] Shut that off!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not listening to music!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin' good! You're lookin' good. [roping Michael in] Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! Michael dance off!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go! Oh, that's nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] Go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Me? Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] Nice! We're gonna calm down later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm good." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God! [sprays champagne on Erin]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Dwight, I'm collecting resolution cards." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not doing that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why not?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Learn to cook for one!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, maybe you'll meet someone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Make time for romance!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Who's the senator?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "My boyfriend." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused, because you accidentally wrote 'the senator'." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, it's that easy? That's not a resolution, that's just... something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that... [sticks note card on board, makes trumpet sound] My resolution is... meet a loose woman." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's a good one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Awesome." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa...'" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The bookstore?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's that easy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll come with you, show you how it's done." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I'll drive." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello! Oh, somebody's got a new phone!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is neat." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I got it for Christmas. I'm so out of my league here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating E.T.] E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[imitating E.T.] Holly misses old phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating E.T.] Why?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[imitating E.T.] New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating E.T.] Bummer." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[imitating E.T.] Bummer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, God, please stop!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible. [slams phone on desk, phone breaks]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[reaches for her cell phone] Oh, I should get this. Hey! Oh, no, don't go see that one, I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too. All right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is. I can't figure it out. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But you did still love him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not... I'm not going to have..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you love him now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No! Just talk to her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. She'd just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. [disgusted voice] Oh, hi friend! Blegh." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'll talk to her, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You think she'd talk to you?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why wouldn't she?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's true. She's really nice. She'd talk to anybody. Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's a plan." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll take the entirety of the second floor." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I got that cutie behind the counter." } ], [ { "character": "Bookstore employee", "line": "Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold like, ten books at once." }, { "character": "Bookstore employee", "line": "Actually, it's ten thousand." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Holy [bleep], what? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Welcome." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let us know if you need anything." }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why did we pretend like we work here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that what we were doing?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, how'd you do?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. Real good." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, yeah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We kinda nailed it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, pretty much. But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out, so. Let's roll." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. What'd you get?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "A book about oceans." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, really? What else? Let me see." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, that's uh. Porn. Pornography. Old lady... nasty... porn." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[whispering] Follow my lead. Hey, want some company?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Want some company?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, really good, I went to Portugal." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I went to Portugal." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, wow... you went together?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So, I've just gotta know. What's going on with you and AJ?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Nothing really happened. I mean, I know I made a big deal about this whole New Year's deadline, but um, it came and went... and, we're still together." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You didn't break up with AJ at all? I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It just wasn't fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place. The whole thing is totally my fault. But we're going to be just fine. Just fine." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Whoa! Hold on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Dwight heads toward a strip club] Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, we can't just go back, I mean, we came out to meet women." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, there's a roller rink across the street! There's always chicks at the rink." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What kind of chicks are you going to meet there?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten year reunion parties." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Chicks fall down, need help getting back up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Roller derby practice!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We're going skating." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who's been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool! Here's a little 'way to go' gift from Sabre. [tosses Erin a Frisbee]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Intercepted!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey! Gabe." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Whoops." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Creed. I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board. What's yours?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How is it going?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm having a little trouble motivating." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them. In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Or sooner." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not a joke." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But that's okay. Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've fudged on some of our resolutions?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet. But it's okay. I still have time, since last year, I ate none." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Well, I can't, I don't know how." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone? Loser." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "My tombstone's already made, thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just do a cartwheel!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "This is all I could find." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding broccoli in front of Kevin] Eat it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You don't have to do that, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't know. I'm glad this is happening. Thank you, Michael." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why are you eating stem first?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is a new food for me, how else should I eat it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The other way." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "God, I hate it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't care whether you hate it! You said you'd do it!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "All right!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eat it!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You're killing him, Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, all right, shh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "All right, I ate the fluffy part, can I be done?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. [reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out] Oh, God! You guys are pathetic." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can I get some candy, or something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! You can't have any candy!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll get him water." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, Michael, just settle down." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating E.T.] Holly Flax." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yes, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating E.T.] Not Michael, E.T." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, no, Michael, I don't want to talk about it with you. I mean, I'm fine, I just... I don't want to talk about it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You think?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You were super mean." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was insensitive and I am sorry." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies... I... care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, Michael, no offense, but you need to get your own life." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't think I'm there yet, Boss." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, I am. [hugs Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, oh! All right." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm going to help you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "DJ", "line": "[at the skating rink]Hey, uh. It's just you. Anything you want to hear?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only." }, { "character": "DJ", "line": "Okay. [Ants Go Marching starts playing]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I said no hits!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I just feel blocked. Like I'm living, but I'm not..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How's your fart project coming?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's real, real classy, Kevin. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin, don't! Come on!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, just a little, I have a lot to deal with today." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[holding a pack of cigarettes] Well, if you don't have to do 'em..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, no." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "My resolution was to get more attention." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, she's lying." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Ryan. [taps board, makes farting noise]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "One, two, three. [does cartwheel] I did it! I did a cartwheel!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[bleep] you! [bleep] you! God!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, that's it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[throws resolution board away in dumpster] Lesson learned." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Sup?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Where did you go?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "To the arcade." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, cool." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why, did you meet someone?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Right on, son." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gentlemen." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And where did you go?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "DJ", "line": "So, that's it, guys? If you want, I can put on the strobe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "You want to keep this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you want to keep this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you want to keep this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can toss them." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine... just fine... just fine... just fine..." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "I just think we need to cool things down for awhile. Yeah, a break. At least until I get back to Nashua. Yeah, I'm sure." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where you're going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Mmmhm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You ready to do this?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yes, sir." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I'm going to stay here as long as it takes." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I really appreciate it, Boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's about you. It's about you. Go!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I did it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You did?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "The perfect cartwheel." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What a rush! That's all I had to do all year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Congratulations. All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "David Brent", "line": "Oh, sorry, mate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[laughing] What you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "English?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah big time, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Michael Scott." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li [bleep]. That's what it sounds like." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Herrow! Herrow!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You can't do that these days. You can't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. [laughs]. [hugs Michaels] Ohh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's good. Pleasure to meet you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Where are you working?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Any jobs now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, not right now." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Just let me know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. See you around." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bye-bye. What a nice guy." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Your first student is here, Mister Bernard." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's actually \"Master of Ceremonies\" Bernard." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Last year, I went to a seminar called \"The Ten Secrets of Real Estate\". Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh it's... [points to conference room]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[enters] [in a gruff voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ooh. Wait, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character \"Mikanos\", is just a little added flava. \"Mikanos\" is loosely based on another character I do, \"Spiros\", who is more about the ladies." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. [sees guy at Erin's desk] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy," }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm really sorry. I can't do it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You can't. You can't." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's going on? Do you know that guy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Erin] How are the marks?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are some of your small business ideas?" }, { "character": "Older guy", "line": "I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts." }, { "character": "Phyllis & Stanley & Dwight", "line": "Oooh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's great. There's a big, big future in that." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "A lot of mines in Scranton." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Um, what about you?" }, { "character": "Younger Guy", "line": "Uh, credit cards." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Younger Guy", "line": "My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow!" }, { "character": "Younger Guy", "line": "Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right. Okay? Great." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You promised us whales. These are worms." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stanley, you're suppose to close." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm out too." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Mikanos] If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[muttering] Down... there. [to Pam] Is \"jlp\" a word?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "\"Jelp?\" J-e-l-p?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, j-l-p. Like, \"I jlp... I jlp you!\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think that's a word." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen \"The Shining\", \"Rosemary's Baby\", \"The Ring\". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You want some help?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "K-a. \"Ka\"? What does \"ka\" mean?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play \"moo\"?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing \"moo\", I'm playing \"milk\". Whatever it takes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, but look, you could have hit \"mood\". Would have played a..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "A triple word." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Like the cow mood yesterday. God." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Or moon." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "The cow jumped over the moon." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She's stuck on that one thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Then I won't let you down." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Cake." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "In you go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can you do it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So no?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, baby." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do I put you down for, bro hombre?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes, I'll do it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And if I flake, I flake." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kevin, you open it up." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Go." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Creed! Ha!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog." }, { "character": "Older Woman", "line": "Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, \"Don't Just Dream it, do it.\" Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. [plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[running laps around the conference room] Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[out of breath] Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. [coughing] And then double it! [coughing]." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No. Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. [coughing] [vomiting]. Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! [runs out of room]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. \"The Business Bitch\", \"The Diet Bitch\", \"The Shopping Bitch\", \"The Etiquette Bitch.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing." }, { "character": "Professor Powell", "line": "Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone." }, { "character": "Professor Powell", "line": "Uh, why?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?" }, { "character": "Professor Powell", "line": "Um, there aren't really ten secrets." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Come on Scott, please? It's me." }, { "character": "Professor Powell", "line": "Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Mm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "That brilliant little bitch." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that \"q\" right there." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wait. Why?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Put the \"q\" there, sweetie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think there's better..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Put the \"q\" there! [phone rings] Sorry I yelled." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You could have just told us what you were thinking." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There's no theater in that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's no yelling in that, either." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well..." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "What do you do in your free time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Mikanos] Practice Olympics." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mmm. Do you like movies?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Mikanos] I like the musical \"Grease\", or as we call it, \"home\"." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We have to try this out on somebody." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Mikanos] Hello." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Look, you want to order something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She will have a greekaccino." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "I don't know what that is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[with accent] It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No more brain damage." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No more brain damage!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ahh!" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "I don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[clapping] Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I picked out our movie. It's called \"Suspiria\". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "When I win..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We're gonna watch \"Wall-e\", where all the boundaries of color are pushed." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some \"Slumdog Millionaire\" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So what's your crazy business pipe dream?" }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Well, I started my own golf supply company." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[unimpressed] Really?" }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[quietly] Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Some of these people are for real." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ahem!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Excuse me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got it. I got it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[turning towards Darryl] Hey, do you need a lozenge?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[whispering] They're a bunch of jackals." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis]: Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. [to Michael and Holly] Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] You're gonna blow it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Maybe. Only maybe." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We got it! Wow! We got it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[pulls phone back] Ah. No! [laughing] [hands phone back]. Although I must say, I will have \"apoplexy\" if you lose. Do you understand? \"Apoplexy\" is what I will have." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Apoplexy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Got it. [plays word] Oh, Oscar. Oscar?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I played \"ape.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Mikanos] Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. [exits conference room] [normal voice] All, you have to close right now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy, what's the problem?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. [entering conference room] [as Mikanos] What is taking that guy so long?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Psst. You think this thing's gonna go much longer?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know. They're still in there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ohh! Good-bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop. Out with it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was blue group, so it was second from the top." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And Tom..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Was in the green group." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that's what I told him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right. But how'd you say it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now?" }, { "character": "Older Woman", "line": "I'll take one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? [younger guy raises hand] Sold! Anybody else? [older guy raises hand] Yes! All right!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah bitch." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[quietly] No, no, no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Whoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Tom", "line": "Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, woah. [deeper voice] Yep, absolutely, go ahead." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "How's it goin'?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pretty good." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "It's been a while." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It has been, yeah." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "So you work here, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sales." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "'Cause you're so smart." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, man. You remember that, huh?" }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, good catch-up." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See ya." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[with accent] Wonderful seminar!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Mikanos] Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, I should get back to work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Come on. It's time for grapes. [regular voice] Real fun day." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "So, I won." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know. You get to pick." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch \"Wall-e\"." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "So I got us a compromise. This movie's called \"Hardware\". It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "There's a \"Shrek\" two?!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Nice guy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ohh. [laughs]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh my gosh!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sweet! Free Ring!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Divorced?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "The last thing that we want is any kind of drama." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait. Can you back up? What's the story?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's not irrelevant. Details" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said..." }, { "character": "Ryan & Kelly", "line": "I don't think I should be married to you anymore." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sorry, when did you get married?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And you didn't invite any of us?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're ok with it. We agree it's fine if you got married." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ryan, I changed my mind." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And who is on my side? [no one raises their hand]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's Go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "For what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You broke up with AJ weeks ago." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Don't you have a sales call to go on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We don't know that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure we do." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well you don't have to agree." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I do." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No you don't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I do." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, you can have your own opinion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw you'll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny \"Jim\" game." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's it? That's all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "All right, what'd you do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Where'd you put it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where'd I put what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, sorry gotta go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Say it. Where?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The fridge." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The fridge, got it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And the final clue..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cheer up. We made a sale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just drive faster. I want to get back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I'm going the speed limit. So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Someone's in a bad mood." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, let me turn on some music." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need to pee." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No you don't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I do. My word against yours." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What part of \"I need to pee\" do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I'll pull over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I hope I make it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Hi Jim, it's Helen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Helen. Is everything ok?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Everything is fine. Baby's fine. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok..." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "A tiny thing. I locked her in the car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "She's smiling. She's happy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Jim, I don't have a spare key." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just stay there. I'll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out but I have to go because it's an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please?" }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "[towards bathroom] Hello? [gives up and drives off]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey it's me. So uh, don't worry. Everything's ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's wrong?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh God! What?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No no no it's ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She's laughing and she's happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. She's ok?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Understood." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a \"Ask Pam Beasley\". ... Did the phone cut off?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Alright, just call me after the doctor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. Bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted." }, { "character": "Attendant", "line": "No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!" }, { "character": "Attendant", "line": "Just make it quick." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it?" }, { "character": "Attendant", "line": "You don't know it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number." }, { "character": "Attendant", "line": "He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's the gas station on Benet Street?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh no no no. I'll be fine." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cute. [enters office area] Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Which on in particular?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, which one?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well the first one has a surprise factor. \"I'm a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Boo-yea! [office laughs]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No no. No no no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You suppose?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's it say?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "\"I'm suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again.\"" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok. [office laughs] No no no." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Red gloves." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Keep it real." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And I will take you all down." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea. Ok, it will just take me ten minutes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Woo-hoo." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can't wait." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox." }, { "character": "Attendant", "line": "Yeah, he just left." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Which way did he go?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?" }, { "character": "Attendant", "line": "She's right. He went that way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. [Dwight and Erin low-five] Let's ride." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Has Michael checked in?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I asked you a question." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, he hasn't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Goodbye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, this isn't a shopping trip." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, well it wasn't obvious so... [phone hangs up]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No word from Michael." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ta-da!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ok, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok. I got one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down." }, { "character": "Office", "line": "Boo!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Irony is such a critical..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Number two: no pop culture references." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Wrap it up, Gabe." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Go get 'em. Start quipin'." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam, I think I'm going to send you an IM." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! Ok." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Send me one too." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, yeah. Put me on that." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "C.C" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ditto." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog." }, { "character": "Hot Dog Guy", "line": "I'm not a pawn shop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch." }, { "character": "Hot Dog Guy", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "With that I can buy... half the menu." }, { "character": "Hot Dog Guy", "line": "I can't just go giving away hot dogs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell?" }, { "character": "Hot Dog Guy", "line": "Throw 'em away." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?" }, { "character": "Hot Dog Guy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. You've just lost my business." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, you were in there forever." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's too many brands. Where's Holly?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "She wandered off like an idiot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now." }, { "character": "Cell Phone Sales Person", "line": "Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Cell Phone Sales Person", "line": "You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tootenbacher." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that..." }, { "character": "Dwight & Erin", "line": "farts popcorn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Are their egg rolls really that big?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?" }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "No problem." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. I'll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "So you can't pay for your food?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well the number three is not such a giant feast." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "[calling to the back] Mr. Chu!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, all right. You know what?" }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "You were trying to steal food from us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "You can't. We'll stop you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I think I can get through the door." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[point to picture] It's Michael!" }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "He just left." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You knew." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know?" }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "I think he was heading downtown." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's heading downtown." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "So what, no one's even gonna try?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Guess not." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. [notification tone] [laughter]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[whispers] Click the \"x\"" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[whispers] I'm clicking!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "In the box." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I am clicking." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Woman, you've had a computer for years!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don't want to be your babysitter." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oooohhh." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "\"Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.\" [laughter]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do the next one." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "\"Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.'" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dreaming he's a dog on a island." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Umm... \"You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here.\" Ha." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's tasteless, Gabe." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Tasteless?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Tasteless." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "More tasteless than this...\"is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it.\" [laughter]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes, well done!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Who's is it? Who wrote that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, who wrote it?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Where did he go, Holly?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I have no idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, \"this way, this way\"?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right then. Someone propose a plan." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay. We fan out..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not you, Erin." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let's just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Good. We don't need her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael] Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What are you doing up here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I missed you too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I kiss you?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Uh, it was." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Maybe it wasn't." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "\"Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh! [laughter]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "\"I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull[bleep]. [laughter] \"Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "\"Gabe's mom... hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her.\"" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, there you go. [laughter]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. How you doing?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thinking about my grandmother a lot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "She was about to turn 97." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "At least she lived a very long and I'm sure, a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you. \"Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted.\" \"Have fun today, big guy.\" \"Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "\"Hooray. Live it up big D. \" \"Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this\"?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Birthday punches! [softly punching Darryl in the stomach] One two three four five sice seven eight!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm so sorry." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[tears welling up in his eyes]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!..." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "...So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and I'm taking Rachel. She's picking me up after work." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Rachel from the party?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, yeah!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nice. Do the damn thing. - Pow! [they fist bump and explode]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Blue Wasabi is so good, but get the cheeseburger. They say they won't do it, but they will if you make a scene." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay, bye. Okay, bye. [kisses Michael] I'll miss you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Miss you. Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, bye. Bye. All right, bye. Bye... bye." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay, one more quick one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't go. I don't want you to go. Oh don't go. Don't go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly and I are dating. It's been a week, and I still can't believe it. [sighs] It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can't work for it. It just comes to you." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "And what do we have here?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "From my secret admirer. That's you!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I dominate Valentine's Day. I practically make romance into a science." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "\"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue.\" Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic scavenger hunt!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, close. It's a romantic treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse. Good luck." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But, there's no clue." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, get to work." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I can't, 'cause there's no clue." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "The puzzle is the clue." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[clears throat]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[rubbing hands with Holly] Are these numbers correct?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The numbers are correct, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[clears throat more loudly]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you... are you sick, Oscar? Do you need to go home? 'Cause you're grossing me out." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I jus... I just need a signature." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[getting out of a taxi] There you go. Thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How much did you give him?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Big tip." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait. I don't have my scarf." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm missing my scarf. Oh. [both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We decided to have a Valentine's day lunch and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece and avoid the Valentine's day dinner thing. It's a whole thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[loudly] Yeah, lunch was wonderful!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, there was an amazing buffet and there was a chocolate fondue... station. And what else was there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, bottomless champagne." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. Never found that bottom, did we?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Psst! Psst!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Are you good at jigsaw puzzles?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you kidding me? It's all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe, I should probably..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh! No, no, no, no. It's not weird at all. You have your new girlfriend. I have Gabe. This is just as friends." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, okay then." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "At least until Stanley calms down." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, is he..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "D...d...d...d...don't look. I accidentally did his Sudoku. [Stanley glares at Andy]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] All right, I will fax over it to you. Whoop. I will fax it over to you. Okay. Thank you. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, my name is j...j...j...j...j...j...j...j Jim Halpert and I will fax it in to you... under you. I'll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just p...p...p...p pissed my pants. Not really. I didn't really. [clears throat]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[goes to hand Dwight a valentines card] Wait." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're just filling that out right now. That wasn't meant for me. I will not be your Valentine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aww, nuts. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know if anyone else feels this way and don't get me wrong, I love Michael and Holly, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but... the PDA." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes! The freaking PDA!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you! I mean, I'm thrilled for them." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No one is more thrilled for them than I am..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, yes, absolutely." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "...but it's totally inappropriate." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, it's a little much." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Obviously, so happy for them both." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So happy. Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't know, guys. I, for one, enjoy watching them, because..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, stop! Just don't." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can I finish? Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying...I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[groans]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "God! Kevin!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "So tell me about your new girlfriend." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She's neat. Uh, I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Aww, cute." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, look at that. Done." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's Gabe's boom box. Come on. We have to go find it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wish you well on your quest." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, come on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aww, I mean..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[growling] Come on!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ha!" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[to Toby] I hear them kissing all the time. It's this horrible plipping sound. You know, it's like Chinese water torture. Just...[makes popping sound] like it's coming from my own head." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sit. Okay, just close your eyes. [massaging Holly's back]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ohh. Can you get lower?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "A little lower." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "I cannot keep myself from Michael. Everything he does is sexy. He has this undeniable animal magnetism. He's a jungle cat. The man exudes sex. He can put both his legs behind his head." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Thank you all for meeting on such sort notice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sitting in Holly's lap] Yes. Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. What is the purpose of this meeting?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, I felt it would be apropos to have a little refresher course on romance in the workplace." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something you'd expect to hear from corporate. Well, guess what. Sabre is 100% tolerant of office romances." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Speaking of, Gabe, I don't see Erin at this meeting." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Uh, I also don't see Andy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oooh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OOH! Boom! Face!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I get it. Andy's slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of, however, is public displays of affection, or PDAs. PDAs are totally superfluous to a happy, healthy office romance. Perfect example. Look at Jim and Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. What? Us?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "They don't touch. They don't kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Love it. Keep it goin." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay. So, PDAs. That's gonna include behaviors such as hugging, kissing, uh..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Booby honking." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah, booby honking. Sure." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Butt honking." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Butt honking. Yeah, all the honking." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "The one where you start in a crouches position, then you leap..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Sure. Basically, there's no precise definition, but you know it when you see it. Ahem." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you guys listening to this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What, are you talking about me and Holly?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Maybe you find your own chair." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "So we kiss occasionally." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Not occasionally. All the time." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, and it's not just the kissing. It's the flirtatious whispering." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "The flirtatious tickling." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whispering and tickling have their place in business." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That thing were you softly exhale on her neck." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... Okay, yeah, that's pretty hot. I will give you that. Look, you are all hypocrites. You all do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael. Confession: I have done PDA in the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've had intercourse in the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "As has Angela!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed. [Creed smiles and nods] As has Michael and as has Holly." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "As has Kevin!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "With who?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She goes to another school." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Fine. No more PDA." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You win. But here's what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anything goes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just leave it how you said..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, that's absurd. What if two couples want to go at the same time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, then we have two closets. No, no, we're gonna have three closets, one for each base, no homers. Yes?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pro." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Problem solved." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's weird. I mean, that's weird to have sex in the office. That's where you work, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, you're in a meeting, and nobody knows that you've had sex there, except for you and him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[snorts] Ew." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Don't mind us. You keep working." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Okay. I'll keep working." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, my God. It's a song." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What do you think is on it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[softy] We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[softly] Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think he can hear us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[softly] That makes sense, 'cause I feel like I'd be able to hear us at this level." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Darryl." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Darryl is a jerk." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, he's not." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I'm just testing if he can hear." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I can hear you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh. Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay. Then no more talking. Let's just play the song." }, { "character": "Boom Box", "line": "[Gabe singing] The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The temp at night?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What do you..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You got it. Pick it up. Take it out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pi..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Pick it up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Take it out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to collect my things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, the old \"leave behind.\" Oldest trick in the book. Good thing it's working." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, no. Michael, I don't want to make people uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean, I don't... I don't sit on your lap because it's comfortable. I sit on your lap because I like the way your thighs feel on my butt." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, but if they're uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Okay. Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, then we'll stop." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you know why people here are complaining? They are jealous of two people in love on Valentine's Day." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Two people in love?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you love me? We've only been dating for a week. Do you mean you love me like, \"oh, hey, there's Holly. I love that girl.\" Or you do you mean you love me like you love me-love me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love you-love you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Wow, you love me-love me. I love you-love you. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am really disappointed in the office's policy on PDA at this moment. I love you. [shakes Holly's hand]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I love you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, Ryan's the temp. What does he do at night?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I guess we just have to wait until night and see." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, or maybe not. [turns out the lights]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[gasps] Oh. Cool." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How romantic is this?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Super romantic." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right. Do you see a clue or..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. Did you not see it? [\"Eat at Hanks\" is written in glow-in-the-dark letters above the door]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, my gosh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hanks." } ], [ { "character": "Jim & Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Andy & Erin", "line": "[bursting out of Ryan's closet] Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No time to chat." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, we were just looking for Ryan, so he's not here." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey. You're looking for me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, we were. We were just looking to say hi. So hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No you weren't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, we weren't." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You wanted to have sex in my office." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely not. That's disgusting." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. It's... it's cool. Just try to put everything back were you found it. Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, you don't have to..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That was so embarrassing. I'm gonna die." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was really rough." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And a shower." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here, shake. No!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, don't touch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we can't." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No touching." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No touching. Ah, I'm trying not to touch you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Almost got you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, so close. Oh. No, we can't do that. We can't do this. Ohh." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You're not touching me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, this is much worse than before." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, I agree. This is nasty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Grab you here." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "And here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will grab you here anyway. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You have to cut it out." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You said you would." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did say I would, but I was wrong. I can't stop. You don't what it is like to love a woman and have her love you back. It is a feeling that cannot and will not, and frankly, cannot be contained." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two, it's reaching the level of a complex. I can think of three explanations. One: You're taking MDMA. Street name, ecstasy. I've done it, and I know the feeling." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, I don't think so." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Number two: You're desperately trying to fit in a whole relationship before Toby comes back from jury duty and Holly has to go back to Nashua. Or three: You're at an age where your sexual climaxes aren't as powerful so you need to overcompensate with foreplay, taboo behavior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, it was that. It's that one." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yes. Number three." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Give me all your money and take off your clothes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're not supposed to PDA." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Come one. Nobody's looking. What's wrong?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I haven't thought about you having to go back to Nashua." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Maybe we didn't want to think about it. We can make it work. We'll date long-distance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. How's this gonna be any different?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We weren't in love last time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was in love with you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm not saying it won't be hard. But we can make it work. That's what she said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[chuckles, sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. One Erin Special, please." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Here's your bottle of sparkling cider." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughs] That's my favorite." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "I'm now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mind-hunt break and look for a heart or some [bleep] in the break room when you're through." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[through the window at Michael] Hey, buck up, buddy!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Make that face he likes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Hey. Come on. You're hurting him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's like a time bomb..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...is ticking down. When it goes off, no more kissing. No more hugging." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just hush." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sexual time bomb." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just rock. Shh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[into recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Movie idea?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. [into recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I can't talk to her. I can't even look at her without thinking about it ending." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin! Do more stupid faces." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do the monkey face." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do the monkey face!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love that. I love that face." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. The monkey!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go back to the monkey!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't do the squirrel. Throw your poop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hurl your feces." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's good. He's throwing it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They really do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[at vending machine] B-9." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "B-9." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Like a benign tumor." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Maybe it's just more like, \"be mine.\"" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, yes. There's a note. \"A little cookie for you, my miss. But the real treasure is your Valentine's kiss.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Mm. Oh. We're suppose to...mmm [leans in to kiss Andy]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm. [points to Gabe blowing a kiss to Erin]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly. Hey." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly, I love you so, so, so much. And I think we need to break up." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What? What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually, it's Valentine's Day. Shouldn't be doing this today. I'll talk to you tomorrow." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, we're gonna talk now. You're not breaking up with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're gonna go back to Nashua eventually, and I can't handle it. So let's just...let's..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What if I said it wasn't up to them?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "The company. Nobody knows our future, but it's not gonna be decided by the company. It's not gonna be decided by anybody but us. What we are is up to you and me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. As of today, officially, Holly and I are moving into together. Yay! [claps] Thank you. Thank you. Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you kidding? I wasn't trying to break you guys up." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Better luck next time, pal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, the point is, there will no longer be any need for PDA here at the office between us because, when we get home, we are going to make love to and with one another, and that, to me, is the best Valentine's Day present that a person could receive. So I bid you all adieu." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Go on. Kiss each other already. [they kiss]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I just told them to do it!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. We took a walk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We took a walk." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Flowers, diamonds, three-course meal, violinist comes to my table to serenade me..." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pizza, soda, the moon, someone to share it with." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are our plans for tonight? Umm..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[imitates a squeaky bed] [laughter]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Delivery Guy", "line": "I got a delivery for ya'." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Leave it at reception." }, { "character": "Delivery", "line": "I'm supposed to deliver this one in person. [pulls out a gun and starts shooting at Michael, who dodges dramatically]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pulls out two handguns and kills the man with an unnecessarily large amount of bullets] Clean up on aisle five. [Threat Level: Midnight titlescreen appears]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin... what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Guys! Guys. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's... That's. Well, don't put words in my mouth." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Threat Level: Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're all in it, from like years and years ago. It's like a home movie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael screened a work in progress for us, years ago, and it didn't go well. We thought it was a comedy. [flashback clip of Michael angrily leaving the conference room while the whole office is laughing at the tv] Everything pointed to it being a comedy." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We'd love to see it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sweet, I will go invite Holly." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive, so let's stay positive! And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy and we'll have a pure fun day! Okay?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Thanks mom." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "You never told me you made a movie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mhmm! It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's got you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's got a lot of me." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[laughs] I can't wait." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Midnight. [applause]" } ], [ { "character": "Narrator", "line": "[Stanley's voice as the screen shows Scarn Manor] Michael Scarn, well that's an interesting story. [headlines of Michael Scarn's success are shown as well as an article reporting the death of Michael's wife, Catherine Zeta Scarn] He was once the best secret agent in the business. That was years ago. Where is he now? Well, that's also an interesting story." }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "[Dwight Schrute dressed as a butler. Speaks in slow, deep voice] Master Scarn." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- [robot impression] to be like this! [normally] But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight does not play a robot." } ], [ { "character": "Samuel", "line": "[crashes cymbals by Michael's ear]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[lying on bed with a bottle of alcohol] I'm up." }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "It's the president. He needs you for a mission." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell him I'm retired." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's Goldenface." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Goldenface, this makes it personal." } ], [ { "character": "President", "line": "[Darryl, sitting at a desk in the Oval Office] Scarn, you're right on time. [cheering from the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it'd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time." } ], [ { "character": "President", "line": "It's your old enemy, Goldenface. He's after the NHL All Star Game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one is personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan." }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "We have to search the stadium." }, { "character": "President", "line": "Not so fast, Goldenface has taken all the concession stand workers hostage. Scarn, will you find these hostages, and save the game?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding a quarter up] Heads I do it, tails I don't. Best out of seven. [flips the coin] Heads. [flips it again] Tails. [President winces each time he says tails]...Heads...Tails...Heads...Tails. [flips one more time and the quarter spins around on the table. Michael looks at it] Well, it looks like there's going to be a clean-up on aisle five." } ], [ { "character": "Narrator", "line": "Well, the hostages were scared." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[as a hostage] Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us." }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "[Jim, with his face painted with metallic gold paint] Oh someone's coming alright, the only man who would care. [Goldenface turns in his chair, holding a golden gun] Michael Scarn. See I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then... I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good. [malicious, deep laughter]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless." } ], [ { "character": "Narrator", "line": "[scene shows Michael Scarn driving through the rain] Well, the All Star Game was three days away, so naturally it was all sold out. The only way Scarn was getting in was in a uniform. Just one problem with that, Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a Slim Jim. So he went to meet with the famed trainer... [Michael stops the car and gets out] Cherokee Jack." } ], [ { "character": "Cherokee Jack", "line": "[Creed wearing a tunic and carrying a mop, standing with Michael in front of an ice rink] Mop the ice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not here to learn how to mop, I'm here to learn how to play hockey." }, { "character": "Cherokee Jack", "line": "Mop it. [A montage of Michael mopping the ice awkwardly and using an ab-cruncher, and slowly getting better. After a little while, Cherokee Jack Slams a hockey stick on the ice to stop Michael, then offers it to him] Now take this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What am I supposed to do with this?" }, { "character": "Cherokee Jack", "line": "Mop. [a montage shows Michael sliding around the ice skillfully and hitting the puck into the goal]" } ], [ { "character": "Narrator", "line": "Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[Ryan is acting as an official for the competition taking place. A line is formed in front of a line on the ice. Standing behind it are Michael Scarn, Oscar in a blue full-body suit, and a mysterious man in a hockey mask] Each year, the National Hockey League selects one civilian amateur to play in the All Star Game. It's down to the three of you. The final test is speed skating. [holds a gun to the ceiling] On your marks, get set..." }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Die! [The masked man pulls off the mask to reveal that it is Goldenface]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael and Goldenface skate around the rink, Goldenface shooting with a solid gold gun, Michael with two pistols. Michael is out of breath at the end of the race] Nice try Goldenface, but you forgot one thing, to kill me." }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "I wasn't trying to kill you, I was trying to slow you down. [Ryan is seen placing a medal around Oscar's neck]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Oh by the way!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "How's your wife doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[begins to cry as Goldenface laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Congratulations." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, you came in second. Not bad either." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am sorry that I have to do this... [starts choking Oscar to death with his towel]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Huh...[muffled screaming as he slowly chokes, and eventually dies]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Samuel", "line": "I'm intercepting a name. Jasmine Winsong. She works for Goldenface. What I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest Jazz Club in town. [stands up with his cup of tea and walks by Samuel, pouring his tea all over him]" }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "Oh-[starts to freak out, but the scene is crudely cut short]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[acting as a jazz singer at the Funky Cat, singing] They call me Jasmine Winsong." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking into the Funky Cat] Bingo." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "He finished his movie? [frantically trying to open her car door, as if trying to get away from the camera crew] No kidding. Wow, that's great. Yeah that's good for him." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[singing gibberish while laying on the piano on stage]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pulls out a recording device from his pocket and clicks it on]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[michael pushes the backwards button on the recorder] The hostages are under the stadium. [An assassin with a golden tie shoots her with a tranquilizer and she falls]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jack Blaise." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have to let us go Goldenface! We have families!" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Ha! This is gonna show them [cocks his golden gun] that I mean business. See ya! [points gun to Toby the hostage's head, shoots and Toby's fake head explodes, the shot is shown repeatedly]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story." } ], [ { "character": "Samuel", "line": "Ha! [kicking open the gate in the stadium where the hostages and Goldenface are]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael Scarn!" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Sorry about your friend, Scarn!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The joke's on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist." }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "[gives Michael a disgusted look]" }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Hm?" }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Hm?" }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "We've searched the wh- ok..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He said, where is the bomb?" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "In the puck! [tosses the puck to Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why are you telling me this?" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Because I'm going to kill you. [takes out golden gun] Unless! You forgive me for murdering your wife. [distraught, memories of him and his wife are shown on the puck in a dreamy haze]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Goldenface." }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go puck yourself!" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "[dodges the puck and shoots at Michael]" }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "Noooo! [jumps in front of Michael to receive the bullet]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was not scripted." } ], [ { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "[re-cocks gun and shoots at Michael, who looks shocked and scared]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "More Tylenol." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[as a busty nurse] You've already had four." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Looking at her mother on screen, horrified] Oh God... [looks at Michael] So good." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "You're lucky to be alive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back, and balls to kill Michael Scarn." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Let's just make sure that everything's... Working properly... [leans in closer to Michael and the heart rate monitor, which was beating steadily, now beats very quickly]" } ], [ { "character": "President", "line": "You just said the bomb... is in the puck?" }, { "character": "Michael & Samuel together", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "President", "line": "Is that where you hid the bomb Goldenface?" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "[walks into the Oval Office with an accomplice, Troy]" }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "But why would you blow up the stadium? You OWN the stadium!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For the insurance money! I knew it all along! [the President, Goldenface, and his minion pull out automatic machine guns] You will never get away with this! [takes a painting of Abraham Lincoln and awkwardly smashes it on the President's head, runs out of the office as Goldenface and his minion shoot at them]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up." } ], [ { "character": "Narrator", "line": "It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he had lost his self-confidence. And he hadn't of course, He just wasn't using it right now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in a bar] Beer me Billy." }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "[Andy as a bar tender with a Brooklyn accent] You don't looks so good, what's got ya down?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got problems Billy. Big problems..." }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "You got problems?! My TV don't work! I pay thirty bucks a month for the damn satellite what's-a-whosit, I can't even get the damn game! Now you tell me, what's worse than that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs to himself] Don't ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow." }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "I see what you mean about problems. I know what'll cheer you up. That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink. [a table with Meredith, Phyllis, Karen, and Angela all say hey to Michael]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby? [winks]" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm too depressed to save the big game Billy." }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know hows. [to a small boy in overalls] Hey kid! Hit G-9 on the Jukebox!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died." }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "There is a whole crowd of people out there, who need to learn, how to do The Scarn." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[A funky beat sounds from the Jukebox and Michael starts dancing poorly] Well my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say, I'm about to do The Scarn in a major way. [the bachelorettes and the others in the bar stand up to join him] You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! [doing the actions he says to] You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[as a drunken man in the bar] If doing The Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[cracking up at the stupidity of it, the rest of the office besides Michael and Holly are concealing their laughter. Pam Is trying to quiet Jim up] Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[turns off the movie from the remote, the office complains]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I think I was just relieved, to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah Michael the movie is amazing!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's like one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You should enter it in festivals!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Or carnivals!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Holly] Well that's a... pretty good reaction. [Holly nods] Pretty cool, right? Did you like it? Did you like that?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Uh... which part?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [Stands up and leaves the conference room to the dismay of the office] No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Some people are really popping on screen!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey! Good movie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I loved it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you? What did you love about it?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Uhm, I loved that you got to work together with all your friends. Isn't that great when you can all work together like that?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Uhm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Not worried about that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[angrily] It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Wha- It's your dream and you never even mentioned it before!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well why do you have to make a movie at all?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Really, you can't think of anything else that you might have?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm real." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I love you too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who likes Threat Level: Midnight? [applause from the office] Okay then who wants to watch the rest?! [everyone yells approval]" } ], [ { "character": "Samuel", "line": "Michael! You have to get to that puck before halftime! Or the whole stadium will explode!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, it's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on!" }, { "character": "Samuel", "line": "Cherokee Jack? Michael he died." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[crying] This one's for you Cherokee Jack. [Michael skates into the rink of an already in-play match]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[he office shushes Michael to hear the movie better] That's fine, it's great!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they [chuckles], they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there. [Michael stands up, clearly realizing that his movie is not as great as he thought]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why is your face gold?" }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "Why do you care?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm just making conversation." }, { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "I worked in a gold factory, we had a boss, who only cared about money..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey, I'm sorry. It is good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it's not. [kisses Holly while smiling] It's not. But, they really seem to be enjoying it." } ], [ { "character": "Hostage", "line": "Please Goldenface, let us go!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[ees Cherokee Jack from a confusion of heavenly light and smoke] Cherokee Jack." }, { "character": "Cherokee Jack", "line": "I want you to take all of your frustrations, with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. All on the puck." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs at the stupidity]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[skates forward, hits the puck, and stares in wonder as it flies by]" } ], [ { "character": "Samuel", "line": "Yah! [kicks open the gate to save the hostages, hostages rejoice as Samuel unties them] [the puck is seen flying into space and it hits a satellite, Billy is at his bar and his TV suddenly turns back on]" } ], [ { "character": "Billy", "line": "Hey! We got sports games again! [people at the bar cheer]" } ], [ { "character": "Goldenface", "line": "[seen at his house counting his money] Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [The puck lands on his lap] Oh-[A large explosion blocks out his words] [The office cheers at the ending of the movie, Michael Scarn holds up a trophy]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in Scarn manor] Some breakfast for me [shows a plate of bacon and eggs] and some breakfast for you. [pulls out an oil can and oils Samuel's circuit board on his back]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[phone rings] I'll get it! Man I love being retired! Scarn here!" }, { "character": "President", "line": "[on phone] Michael, it's the president." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello sir." }, { "character": "President", "line": "I need you for another mission." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh... [after a little thought] I'm in." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[the office cheers] Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isn't the president evil?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah! [laughs] Yes he is!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No no, he's doing it to catch the president!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid. [the office laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Narrator", "line": "[in Stanley's voice, a chair is shown with a gray haired head sticking above it] Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game. And I bet you're wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn. [the chair revolves to show Michael Scarn, gray haired, talking with Stanley's voice] Well because I AM Michael Scarn. [applause]" } ], [ { "character": "Rapper", "line": "[Andy rapping to a montage of scenes from the movie] Ahhhh, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madelyn Allbrite, Threat Level Midnight! It's a threat, a level, a level level threat. He's the greatest hockey-star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace I'm out!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You're eating eight year old tomatoes?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They're still good for another week." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You know, I think I have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like. [Jim smiles]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I've got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes. [all laugh]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hardy har har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound, you beg, Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Three months." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Could be." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Four months." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can see that happening, yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Eight months?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a realistic time line." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam kisses Jim on the cheek] Eleven months." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Perhaps." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay now really think hard about this one: One year." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can see that as a very real possibility." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[time has obviously passed, as everyone is gone except Jim and Dwight] Four hundred and ninety-four months?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can see that happening." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Four hundred and ninety-FIVE months. That's just..." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I really though I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Still not seeing the problem here." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, game-over!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who's here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[walks into conference room with Michael and Todd] Hi!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. [Holly and Michael kiss]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You must be Todd." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[shaking Holly's hand] Whoa! I'm sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[laughs oddly] Very funny. Okay let's get started." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "After you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Michael! This'll be just us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And it also helps if you've had five shots." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I already have." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Michael] Why is Packer back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is Packer here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why's he talking to Holly?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[peering into conference room] Don't know, don't care." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[to Todd] Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[excitedly] Oh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sees Holly and Todd shaking hands in the conference room] Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What!?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "It's great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice! We got burned!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You did! You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[seething] Holly, you approved this?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yes I did, I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You did approve it?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you don't know what the word approved means." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I have very little patience for stupidity." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[walking in with Gabe behind her] Sorry we're late. Gabe fell in the shower." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm such a klutz!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, it took the fire department forever to get there. [realizing there's a new computer at her desk. Gets very excited] Oh my God, where did this come from?! Who did this?!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number is one! [laughs sheepishly] Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Awwh, you're welcome. [they hug] My pleasure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam walks over to him and smiles excitedly while bouncing, Jim imitates her] Can I do something for ya?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just helped someone out. It feels good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So you know the feeling." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't order anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around and wait for Creed to die." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well there's a lot of seats in the annex." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here. [Jim looks appalled]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Thanks man, it'd mean a lot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "well I was there for twelve years. Plus my name's carved under the desk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No it is not." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Is too!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Grunting as he crawls under Dwight's desk. Dwight follows] Let's look at this." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Check it out!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't wanna move desks!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! [Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do I have any say in this?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[grunting while humping Michael and Dwight] Don't even watch, Halpert!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in the annex, moving into his new desk. Holds up a red tray with rocks on it] Hey, who's dirt box is this?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, that's our Zen garden." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you grow in here, bullcrap? [puts the tray into the garbage]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[walking into the annex with Jim] Hey, um..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey, what's up guys?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Don't what's up us! You think you're so cute, with your pretty blonde hair!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa, pull it back. Uhm, why did you hire Todd Packer?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Uhm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's seriously awful!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael's recommendation was glowing! And, honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That's how he gets you to take off his panties." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam starts nodding in agreement] Why are you nodding?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "United front..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Right this isn't the U.S. Government." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What are you referencing?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[seems unsure] Everything... Everything." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he's done?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I mean he humped Michael." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well if that's the case, I guess I've gotta be fired too. [all groan in disgust]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[looking at his computer, gasps] Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! [no one moves] Check it out! This guy's on a full beam reach. [watching a sailing video on his computer] They're hiking out like mad! Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Nice job! Ughh. [computer is frozen, taps the top of it] This computer's a hunk of jjunk." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey sailor! Come watch it over here! [pats her new computer]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where did you get this?!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pam gave it to me!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! [to Pam, in a fake British accent] Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have a computer Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, but listen. We just don't have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not asking for one, I need it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "If you're just handing them out, I want one too." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Phyllis, no body is handing anything out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "See, this is what I'm talking about." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you gonna play mange on faster?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hey what's going on you guys? [walking into the kitchen with Holly, Dwight, and Kevin, with whom he fist bumps] Yeahh! Three muska-queers!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[giggling] Mean but good!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom. [Holly is un-amused]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well, some girls go through a phase." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Since when did you learn how to read?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I do know how to read though!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Todd leaves. Kevin laughs uncertainly] He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[walking through the office, notices Andy with Erin's computer set up at his desk] What the heck! Why do you have Erin's computer!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Erin is that true?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[nods] I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Erin, it's not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It's not yours to give away." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pam, when I'm freaking out, I just sorta step back and-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not freaking out, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "-take a few breaths, and then I ask myself: Is this worth freaking out about?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Andy, why should she have your crappy computer?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Switch the computers back Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Seriously." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pam! Come on!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Now please." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine! [the office goes back to their work] Please make sure no one is humping me!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[to Holly who is walking by] Oh! If you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. [picks up an ant farm and tube of ants from her desk, Holly takes them] Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Best day ever. Best day ever!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "So much happening. [not as excited as Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No! No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Did Todd tell you to do that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, You love him right? [Holly seems unsure] You love him. I can tell." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I love you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Not me, him." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That's certainly opinionated." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[looking anxious] If you're not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh I'm going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he's funnier than you? Oh honey..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I don't think he's funnier than me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's funnier than me." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, he's not funny at all." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I'm less funny than not funny at all?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[very anxious at this point] Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, what I'm saying is, he's not funny, but you're funnier than he is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[seems taken aback] Uhm..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ok: Bill Cosby [puts the ant tube high up. Each time she mentions a name it gets lower], Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here [tube takes a jump to the bottom] Todd Packer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's insane!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Honey, he's a jerk." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[getting up and walking towards them, worriedly] For Pete's sake it just needs to be done! [takes the ant farm and tube from Holly and heads towards the annex]" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[to Jim] So you two are married to each other now, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "That's sweet. How's the sex?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[continues working]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walks towards Todd] Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "'Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's a lot of reasons! [suspicious]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Drink it!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viva A Fox. [winks]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[interrupts Dwight trying to force feed Todd] Can I talk to you a second?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, this hot chocolate thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "None of your business." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you know you can't actually poison him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I really think we should join forces on this one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do we think, what would drive him crazy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You've gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can't get to them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[mocking] Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay! Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who is Justice Beaver?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He... It's a crime fighting beaver." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pam. Can I talk to you in private?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know if there's really a private place in this office." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looking confused] You did that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we're a little late." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. [walks to conference room with Andy and stares at the sign up sheet with wonder] When did people sign-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mind if I close the door? [after shutting door in the conference room] What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well what was I supposed to do, let you walk all over me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You humiliated me in front of every body!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, well I didn't think about it like that. It's just, I can't do anything about it. I can't replace that one unless that computer breaks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, it's pretty broken already." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[looks at her knowingly] Pretty sneaky sis. [knocking on conference room door]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[walking in] Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve. [Pam and Andy exit as Ryan and others holding saxophones walk in, Pam looks at the sign up sheet in awe]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Jim, the two are alone in the annex] There are over four hundred of these! [indicating a packet of paper]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah I couldn't cut it down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They're all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. [Dwight tries to open up a drawer on his desk but it only goes out two inches] Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Andy is seen clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard, puts bologna with mustard in his CD drive, and many other computer harming things] Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? [mock baby voice] Oh I hope you don't get sick Mr. Computer. [computer voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? [normal voice again] Because I hate your programs!" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[at Hank's with Michael, talking to Hank] And a '76 that's good to boot, I like that. [Hank smiles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter. [Hank looks irritated again]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Holly said that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "She was laughing hysterically that whole time!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I guess you said something weird about your daughter?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "She asked me, Michael! It would've been rude not to answer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Michael, can I open the kamomo with you. I've been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it isn't." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "You're right. I gotta watch my behavior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, a little bit." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Don't give up on me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I won't." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael and Todd are walking into the office] Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I got a lot of numbers here to put together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's silly. If anything, I should be apologizing to Packer. Because we all know I can dish it, as good as I can take it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn't be apologizing to Packer. That doesn't make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin, do you accept the apology?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Don't do it Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, go back to the annex." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it Kevin." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[muttering] Sometimes you over react." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you are a genius." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. [Andy looks confused and shrugs] Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[cutting in] No! Don't!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in a car with Andy, by the dumpster you can see a new computer box] So listen, we have to really scuff this up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I think I'm gonna make myself cry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Andy, this is the deal we made." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[watching Pam scrap his computer] That's probably good. That's enough." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We should break this hinge maybe." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's not go crazy." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Well thanks, will do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[using fake Southern accent, on the phone with Todd Packer, Dwight is also with Jim] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool. [Michael walks in on Jim and Dwight]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "That sounds weird." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[also In southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[trying to stop him] Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic!" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, Jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee. And here's the best part. I'm a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every sub species. Also I'm a huge boob nerd." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[trying to hide from Michael what they're doing, he picks up the phone and talks directly into it] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's a jerk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He took my desk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. That is not part of the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait! Why don't we come up with a plan we're all happy about? [Michael leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[plugging in new computer, acting to make people think he got a bad computer] Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where'd you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I found it in a shelf in the corner of the warehouse. [Darryl gives the camera an odd look]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, well thank you for my garbage computer. [Andy turns it on and looks amazed, clearly happy with it]" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[walking into Michael's office] You're looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the \"ass\", in Tallahassee!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, about that." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... I don't know if that's a good idea." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Do you have a ball and chain?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, nothing like that at all." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It's your girlfriend, man. She's uptight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I'm saying is about a month or so, meet me down in Florida, I'll introduce you to all the local [spanks the air] talent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[thinks a moment] Sounds great." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "It's gonna be so good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is. [Jim sees them and looks happy] It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm sorry about your friend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nah, he's an ass." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[Brooklyn accent] You ahh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating] You ahh." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What ah you wicked smaht?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No you ahh." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Who ahh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[kisses her and speaks normally again] You ahh." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So this new computer you found in the warehouse." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep. Lucked out." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, you really did. 'Cause I know every INCH of that warehouse." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep, super lucky." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[hesitating at the bribe] Yeah. You know what , I think I saw ONE sick day down there." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Really? 'Cause I think maybe I saw five." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Three. [Daryl nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm full on corrupt!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Oscar, big Will and Grace fan huh?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No. Everybody assumes I am. I always get them as gifts." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we really didn't need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People! Look alive. It's showtime. Doors open in 3...2...1." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yikes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's cold Dwight. Just shut the door and let people come in the front." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's good that its cold it will drive business inside." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The signs will drive people inside." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The warmth will lure people inside." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Close it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is how business..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Close it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not closing the door." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Close it. [starts wrestling Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just close it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh oh, looks like someone's sign is a little crooked. Uh, looks awful. Need a thumb tack?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not so fast." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Schrute's are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will trade you for the used candle." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Forget you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, its trash, like your sign, unless you have this." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Fine, just give it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's how it's done." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Woah, I love her. How much for that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I uh... I actually don't know why I brought that because It's kind of priceless." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "10 dollars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mhmm, no I paid 500 dollars for that." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "200." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "500." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "20." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "45." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get lost." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is how you do it." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You know we don't have to sell that if you don't want to. If it's a problem with the neon I can have my neon guy take a look." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know it's really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well we could put it in storage... in case." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In case... in case of what?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You know... in case if something changes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't have an in case. Do you have an in case?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "How much for the slip and slide?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get lost." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm actually calling because I'm in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you... which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn't a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You're blocking my table with your giant body." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, cause there's a huge line of people waiting in line who want your spinster chotskies." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Screw you man. People like my stuff." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and you're like 'Hey baby let me light a candle' then you pull out this one half used and he's like 'Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.'" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You can take my Helen Fielding collection." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And the Jennifer Weiner collection." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh my gosh, you have the Dallas board game?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yea when I was a kid I was on Dallas." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yea. When I was kid we missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii... I was in heaven." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We should play it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well... there's no instructions." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's Dallas the game, we can figure it out." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yea." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm pretty good at board games." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well, shall we make it a little interesting?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How did those get out? I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was in Jamaica, and I got lost, and it was getting dark this one night and then out of nowhere with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight he's telling me things about myself that there's no way he could have known." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a common swindlers trick." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Probably, probably. So I buy some, I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money, he was gone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So you wanna sell me magic beans. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice try. No. Correction. Terrible try." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael called Dad?" }, { "character": "Holly's Mom", "line": "Your friend Michael, yes. What's going on?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Um, I think I know. But I'll sound stupid if I'm wrong but is Dad there?" }, { "character": "Holly's Dad", "line": "Holly?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hi Dad." }, { "character": "Holly's Dad", "line": "There was a program on TV about India." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Um, ok. Did you connect with Michael?" }, { "character": "Holly's Dad", "line": "Wanna watch it?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I... I'm not there Dad, I'm in Pennsylvania." }, { "character": "Holly's Dad", "line": "What are you doing there?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I live here. Um, can I talk to you about Michael?" }, { "character": "Holly's Dad", "line": "I'll, I'll put your mother on." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No. No... no Dad." }, { "character": "Holly's Mom", "line": "Holly?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mom, Dad can't seem to focus on a subject." }, { "character": "Holly's Mom", "line": "Don't you worry about him, he's got me." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well who do you have?" }, { "character": "Holly's Mom", "line": "I have your father. He's right here I'll put him on." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No. Mom?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, which one is decaf?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looks out window] Michael! Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi.. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why do you need more gas?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm writing a message." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it a good message or a bad message?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm asking Holly a question in fire." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you proposing!?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yea. Yea no problem. [runs away]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could you light this please?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not in the mood for riddles pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is terrible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, this is romantic." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what? I'm gonna get a hose. Then we'll talk about it. Ok we'll figure it out. Be right back. Just stay there." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Free sample?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her 'Mom you should sell this, you'd make a fortune' and she always says 'No it's just for family.' Well finally I was like f*** it, I'll sell it so I'm like 'Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends' and she's like 'uh, ok' ... pesto party? Really? Anyway... she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis... just had that mom look I wanted." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You got this kosher certified?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No I meant like uh, it's cool, its kosher, it's all good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you. Whatcha got there?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, its just Stanley's old photo album. I'm thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black mans old photo album on my bookshelf. I'm not James Franco." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk for Kelly's crap for Phyllis' garbage for Oscars trash for Stanley's garbage for Ryan's junk for Creed's garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, put those away." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[pulls away beans] I'm really sorry. Pam must have put those out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They're legumes Dwight, and you're just gonna make fun of me, so why would I... You know what, this ends now. [crumples up beans, stomps on them, and throws them in a box]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Michael everyone's in the conference room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You called the meeting I don't.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about... recycling." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We are a family." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I could not have agreed with you more." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And I've always believed that we should all be involved in everyone's personal lives, in a very major way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So about this proposal thing..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. My minds made up I am not going to change my mind you can't talk me out of it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, she's perfect for you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She's the one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's amazing. This is very exciting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So we just... we wanna help you plan the proposal so that it's safe and responsible and realistic and doable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I had a great idea until you ruined it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wanna know how to do it? Here's how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a dogs collar, stop, and look at yourself." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[playing the Dallas board game] Hmm, I'm gonna play me a little ol' black mail card ." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And call a proxy meeting to take control of you and oil once and for all." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No you cant do that. You cant play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why not. Seems to me we're just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And I'm gonna play this here share the wealth card." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oooh." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Which entitles me to half of both of y'alls money so if you don't mind." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "no this card is from the wrong game this is from the game of life." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It was in the box." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well played." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No but that's not fair." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well that's Dallas." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dallas indeed." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What... Ryan, where did you get this picture? [a picture of Oscar on Ryans bottles of salsa]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "My mom also makes the best salsa." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "This is your moms old stuff?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah mostly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "How's she doing?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It didn't go down so easy but she's made some friends and it's already better than it was." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "How do you know when its time?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Uh I don't know if you ever know. And if you wait for the day when your parent to comes to you and says 'I cant take care of myself anymore' its never gonna happen. I have a box of bras under the table if you're interested." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Let me see." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok I think animals and proposals are out. Right Ryan didn't you read in one of your blogs that animals are out?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Blogs are out but people are texting each other no more animals" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof, it hits the ground, the head pops off, this leads me to the line ' I lost my head when I fell in love with you.'" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's a guarantee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's easy enough to get a corpse, you just go to a med school. I already have the ring." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't think you need the corpse then." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Heres the ring." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Holy s*** is that real?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I saved 3 years salary." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No. [shakes head back and forth]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is she not going to like that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No she's going to love it so I think you can keep the proposal simple. You know like when Jim proposed. He just he got down on one knee and he told me that he loved me and he asked me to marry him and it was perfect." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Where was that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "At a gas station. [oscar laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "At a gas station?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh it was when she was working in New York so it was halfway between both of us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That mush have been a surprise when... at the gas station you proposed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No it was really it was really sweet. It was raining and.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yea you didn't say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Totally reasonable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just... it's terrifying." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's not gonna say no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know but I'm still scared I don't know why." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cause it's a big deal. I mean.. I knew Pam was gonna say yes but I was still scared." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You were scared?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah... it.s scary." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get this... Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him 'Dude this was a prop in my movie.'" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Look I need to talk to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok it's because we haven't sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day, people get desperate, and they're gonna pay anything." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I think I need to go home to Colorado. My dad isn't doing so well." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh ok. For how long?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is he alright?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You ok?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, yeah it's just you know I don't want to go home when he's on his death bed you know, I wanna be there when he's still my dad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah well you definitely need to do that." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "And I want you to come with me. Now I know that's a lot to ask of a boyfriend.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "And I was thinking... you know maybe since given our last conversation that we're both ready... Michael Scott will you.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, shhhhut it. Mhmm. Oh God. Nope, nope, nope." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Uh, what?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey guys it's my turn." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You cant go, you're dead, I shot you 5 moves ago." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah I told you, you can't shoot people." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I told you we're way past rules. We have been for some time now. We start having rules now, everything we built collapses." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is stupid and I want my money back. Where's the money?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah where is it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ok you know what? I am never ever playing board games with you two again." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "And that is Dallas. [shows money]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not bad right. [swinging golf club]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Can't really tell the..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Dwight] Nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know right...[sees Jim's beans] what the?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That... that's impossible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is right. I mean, it's impossible." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, I'll take them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They're probably worthless." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Probably. [walks away with beans]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Leave the telescope." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No, it was this... packet of beans. So I traded the telescope for it. And I can just go buy another telescope." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, how'd we do?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "13 dollars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's great and we still have most of our stuff. Good." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Listen about earlier ..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, lets not talk about that." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It was wrong to put you in that position and... Michael you are my life now. I'm not going to Colorado." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhhh. Let's go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So this is one of my favorite places in the world." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Let's go in here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is where we first kissed." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I remember." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael.. [they both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Through these blinds is where I first saw you, and you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen. And I was sitting at this desk when I called you to tell you that I had herpes and that I was still in love with you and you said that it was over, and that you didn't love me. Thank goodness none of that was true. Including the herpes." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In-grown hair." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right in here... this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember, obesity awareness?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mh hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We saved a lot of lives that day. That's where you first met Michael Klump." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I say, I say, I say I sit on you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn't believe it, you thought it was so wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And over here.." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What happened here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, nothing. Nothing really. I would just find an excuse to come here so I could stare at you through that window. This is what I'd do. [runs water through hand]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Nice" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go in here." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[everyone in the office is standing in the kitchen with a lit candle] Hi guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this, its just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Holly, will you marry me?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Marry me Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That guy's got more than he can handle as it is." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Will you marry me?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That marriage would be a sham." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Will you marry me?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Easy no." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Will you marry me?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That would be hot. I would pay to see that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Will you marry me Holly?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Only one that I was kind of worried about." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[the area where Holly's desk is is filled with lit candles] This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with.. [fire sprinklers go on] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Your wife becoming me will I. [everyone in the kitchen starts cheering, then enters annex]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's awesome!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Congratulations!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Congratulations!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. So guys, guys, guys. We're moving to Colorado." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "All of us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kahlua Sombrero, please." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "All right, so just you tonight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I'm a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I'll drink to that. I'm starting at a company this week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, really?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "To begginings and endings." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "The moms and the troops." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[laughs] I won't... I don't know her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm moving out to the burbs... actually, I'm moving further than the burbs, I'm moving to Colorado." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Colorado! The sunshine state." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep. Don't mess with Colorado." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Doing some skiing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Well that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I would like to try the luge, through." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Try it once, you're hooked. That's my guess." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what I've heard." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I'm an olympics nut." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?" }, { "character": "Deangelo & Michael", "line": "[in unison] Summer!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[holds out fist] Knuckles! Actually, I gotta come around and give you..." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "You know, it's funny, I tried to get an animal olympics going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? What happened?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "You know, life happened. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... wow. The mountains. Where things are." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "That's the way it goes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Man, he is late. I'm gonna call him. Do you mind? I'm sorry. [calls Deangelo, Deangelo's phone vibrates]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Excuse me. Hello? You running late?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm here. I'm right... I'm at the bar." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I'm at the bar too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are? What bar?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I'm at the bar. The bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... do not see you." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "How long have you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm been here about... gosh, over half an hour." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Ok, me too." }, { "character": "Deangelo & Michael", "line": "[looking up from phones in unison] Sorry..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What're you wearing?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I am wearing a grey suit, red tie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are we both at the right place?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Which place?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hear your voice." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I hear your voice, I see your lips moving." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand] Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Deangelo Vickers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow... that is insane! [laughter]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "That is insane, that is the right term. Let's get some Vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[entering Dunder Mifflin offices] Here we go! Are you ready?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I am ready." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright! Here we go!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is it. What do you think?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh, she'll do. She'll do just fine." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I am very much looking forward to tommorow. It feels like the culmanation of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pops up from below camera, and runs out of room]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Did that? Did that just happen?! [runs after Michael] We should.. we should write a movie or something! I'm serious!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael is leaving. And apparently they've already hired a new manager. And we're meeting him today. It's a lot to process. Paperwork wise." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[wearing wig] Nope! It's not Ashton Kutcher. It's Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart! [winks]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for it's own sake. So, without further ado, let's start clapping! Presenting Deangelo Vickers!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[blinds roll down, Deangelo waving]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on out!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hello! [opens door] How are you sir?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am well, sir, how are you?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy, something I live with, it's a part of me. I've learned to cope with it. What else, I'm just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a-" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[drops papers as Deangelo walks by] I'll get that you guys. Don't... it's just... you know..." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[picks up paper] I'll help you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, hi! [obviously flirting body language]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hello!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Have we met before?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No, not officially, actually, I saw you walking out of the bathroom before." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, I guess I'll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[offers Kelly the papers as she walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And that is what you call a meet cute." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it's Deangelo the whole time!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Kind of embarassing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh. [chuckles] That was... let's see, where's my replacement? Where's the guy I'm replacing? Why don't I look to the left? He's sitting right there! [office laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah... I know... that's what I was just saying... that's what..." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[silences Michael]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up 'Hello, my name is..,'] nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[laughs] Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wasn't even trying to make a joke. But I guess I've always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, it wasn't an affair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it was." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But, no, but we are a family." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[points to picture of Cecelia] We made that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cecelia." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Well, congratulations. I have four kids of my own." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really? Oh, my gosh! We just have the one, but she poops for four. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks for meeting me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle? Where'd you find him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know me very well, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's because I'm your right-hand man, Michael, but I can't do it again. I can't do it again for a whole new guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I'll be off all day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want to be manager. I just don't understand why I wasn't even interviewed for the job. What's wrong? I was totally qualified, you were pushing for me." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That apple looks delic!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calor intake under 1200. [laughter]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Deangelo, you're going to starve to death. [laughter]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's cool that you like the southwest. It's one of my favorite regions." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I love the desert. It's one of my favorite ecosystems." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Here's the great thing about the southwest; there's so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you've ever seen." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Burnt! It's lush, dummie. Hey, Deangelo, what do you think of bald people? I hate them." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Deangelo, I forget, did you mention you like politics?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I did not." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend, he's a state senator. I really think the two of you would hit it off. He's a great person to know." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Sounds very interesting, thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Ok, let me transfer you." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Why do you use your name when you use the phone?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, that's how Pam does it. I just copy her. She's sort of a living legend." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Try it without using your name." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is... oh, I like it!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, assist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I sorta like the old way." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I just prefer it without the name and I thought- I've got to start doing some managing at some point." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know, I'm sorry, but if it's not a big deal we should just-" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "And it really isn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is that good?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, ok, good." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Well, I'd like to change it, actually." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What do you think?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I think a change would be nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. [phone rings]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[whispering] Change it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[picks up phone] ...I'm so sorry. Sorry. [hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hey, funny guy. Wanna have a little mid-day lawl here. Make me laugh, huh? What you got? I can't even look at you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here we go... ok... what do African Americans call... [laughter]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Deangelo, did you order a barber?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh, yeah. Put a pin on that, kid. Can't wait to hear the punchline." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Finish the joke, Andy. What do African Americans call?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I... don't know. Help me." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[a barber enters the office for Deangelo] That is so badass. So hardcore." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, real cool. Real power move." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Erin] Shave me. [walks into office with Deangelo] This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Ok, alright! I love it! I love it! Michael, this is Reggie. He is the #1 yelp reviewed shaver in Scranton. It's not even close." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. [Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael's face, none on the neck]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice, doesn't it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah, that is nice." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You wanted to talk to us Deangelo?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Ah, yes, please! Just cozy up there. Just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we don't really do rap sessions. We kinda do... [Erin shaves Michael] god... we sorta do more of like powwows or-" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Ok, then, powwows then, fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Deangelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece, it is so adorable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, wait, little bit of backstory, she loves dogs. She calls them 'da-das'." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Da-das." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And what happens here is-" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "You know what, enough about your baby, ok? I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We were... I think she was just trying to-" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it. I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can't say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, Deangelo, I'd say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don't even really have to worry about." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't shave my lips." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[Andy walks into room] What's up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't mean to go into a rant here, but..." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. I'm thinking, 'how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Let's not talk politics in the office, ok? I like you better as a funny guy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[leans on table] I wasn't taking a position. It's just one of those things where- [table collapses under Andy]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[laughter] Now that's funny! That's funny! You walk much?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, right, I mean- [walks into door, jokingly]" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Little click..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[pushing box into office] Deangelo, this box came for you." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Thank you. That's my stuff. Yeah. Michael, take a look at this." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Need a hand?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh, that'd be great, thank you Stanley!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so... you know, let's not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I'm still here-" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[holds up painting of desert to office, who are impressed]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I still have to look at this stuff, guys." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So this is a ten-gallon hat, huh?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yep, ten-gallon hat. Technically, it only holds about three quartz. Little factoid." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Interesting." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a great fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl's sister", "line": "[holds out cowboy boots for Darryl]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool, cool. Alright, see you later." }, { "character": "Darryl's sister", "line": "Hey, hey, hey! [holds up set of pistols in holsters]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, I'm good. Keep them." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hey, funny man! Whatcha got for me? Make me laugh?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[mimes using a rope to pull himself forward to microwave] Let's see if they have my favorite teas in here... [throws tea packets into air, puts hand in unplugged toaster, pretends to be shocked, takes container of cheese-puffs and throws them into air, pours hot coffee on his pants]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[laughs] Drink some soap!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[drinks hand soap]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[laughter and applause]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I guess this is my life now." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How do I become a manger at Sabre?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "First thing's first, thank you for coming here directly. I know you could have called Tallahassee but they would've just looped back to me, so, it's cool you recognized my role here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I left a message at corporate." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. That'll put you right on the shortlist for next time there's an opening." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can't you just use the recommendation you already have on file?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What recommendation?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "From when he recommended me to replace him." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "...I'm sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Best whale watching: easily the west coast. If you're going whale watching on the East Coast, you might wanna bring a magazine called \"West Coast Whales'. [laughter] Because you're not gonna see them-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[interrupting Deangelo] Snack time! It's the witching hour! It's the sandwitching hour!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Awesome!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mmm, whatcha got?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "PB and J, my mom's recipe! [throws sandwitch at Phyllis]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael! Deangelo has a peanut allergy." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go! [throws sandwitch into Kevin's open mouth]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, this is serious! Do you know what happens if Deangelo touches a peanut?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut, I was itchy for three days, ok? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, so, you don't go into shock or die or anything?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No, Jim, not everything is life or death. I want to feel comfortable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, here you go. [throws sandwitch]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[uses book to stop the sandwitch's flight] You're getting nut particles all in the air!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No one had a problem with the air here until you came around." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[steps into conference room] Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multi-purpose room, now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that's good. You just stay in there, stay in there by yourself, loser. No body go in. [disgusted comments by co-workers] No body go in there. Stay where you are." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, This is insane." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not insane, Oscar. I'm been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you're gonna throw it all away? No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen, you're the one who decided to leave. Come on, he's the new boss, you know we have to do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, who needs him. Guess it's just you and me, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Correction. Just you. Alright, meeting. Multi-function room." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[walks out] Hold on, Hey Michael, Michael, wait up, hold on. Um, so for these meetings do you just jump into business or do you start with some chit-chat or...?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what, you'll be fine." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Maybe. Maybe not. 50/50. You know what, it is too bad for this place that you're leaving. [extents hands for hug] Bring it in, come on. [Michael doesn't accept hug] Ok. [walks back]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. [hugs Deangelo from behind] Why did you have to be so damn good?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I... I'm adequete. I'm half as good as you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. Come on. You are good, they know it." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Will you do me a favour and enjoy this time, ok? You've worked so hard, get your senioritis on. It's Lake Havasu time!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guess I've been working so hard I forgot what it's like to be hardly working." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Ok. What is the Native American girl's name?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You'll figure it out." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Deangelo! Wanna meet Cece?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "That's a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you very much." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "See, we knew it! If he just met her, he'd understand." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We're back in! Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I swear, that baby could be the star of a show entitled 'Babys I Don't Care About.'" } ] ]

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[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is six a.m. [DeAngelo yawns] and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yes, and this happens every...?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Every year! This happens, you have a lot to learn my friend. [DeAngelo laughs]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Well, you know, why don't we try it, and if it goes good it'll be part of my tradition." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do you always say that? You're gonna love it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[arriving at the first house] Alright let's go! [DeAngelo runs in the wrong direction] This way, this way! [Michael knocks on the door]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Surprise!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Congratulations!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep, okay..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holds up a camera and DeAngelo meows] Here we go! Have Pam come down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No she doesn't wa- She's not here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stay in bed!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[next house] Congratulations!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Have you lost your mind! Get off my property before I call the police!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We got it." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Uh, leave it at the door or...?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah that's fine." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[next house] Hey Toby! You suck! [throwing eggs at his house]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Is this an employee of ours?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[giggles] Go go go go go go!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[arriving at a dumpy looking, unkempt house] I've never seen this place in the daylight." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "It reminds me of Katrina." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go, alright got it? Set? [the door is ajar, Michael knocks lightly] Hello? [turns around to see Meredith walking towards her house]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm so busted! Walk of shame!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Do you usually leave your door unlocked? And ajar?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ahh, Nice! I got a Dundie nomination!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you did. That's right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins. [walks into her house] Let me fix you breakfast!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[whispers] I'm not going in there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[quietly shuts the door] Go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking into the office] Good morning Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh hey, didn't see you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have big plans for tonight?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know, maybe volunteer at the shelter, or go to bed, or... I don't know. Maybe I'm going to the Dundies!! [Flashes her Nomination Certificate]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are getting so funny! [Erin giggles] Very good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anything can happen at the Dundies! [DeAngelo laughs] They're like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just a little announcement folks, remember, the Dundies is a black tie affair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Black tie optional." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Every day is black tie optional!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A la, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice! [rest of the office looks excited]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I love their breadsticks!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, their breadsticks are like crack!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I love when people say like crack when they've obviously never done crack." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well the breadsticks are like what then, Ryan, what can I use?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't know, something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're right, you're right. I'm a middle class broad. [Jim does his \"Jim face\"]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh, shh! Okay, okay. Everybody's right. They're like breadsticks on steroids. Right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah that's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy. So I'm going to need to train a replacement. So this year, I have decided to have a co-host. [Dwight looks suspecting] And that person is [he and DeAngelo roll their tongues as a drum roll] DeAngelo! [all applaud]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Always the padawan, never the Jedi." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Thank you Michael, uh, but I will have to pass." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Think of it as part of your training." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Not much of a performer, unless you count singing in the shower. Boy, okay..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[smiling] Okay, well we'll work on it." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[whispers to Michael] Michael, I'm very, very bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are doing it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[all in conference room] Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys..." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "This did not happen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay. [Ryan stands next to Michael up front] Ryan how are you today?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why don't you ask my therapist, my mom certainly pays her enough." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[very excited] There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Uhhh, you sir! [points to Jim] Are we having fun tonight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Having a great time." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh good!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks, yeah." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Where were you on September 11th?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! God! [Jim looks at him oddly]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, please no loopholes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is my last Dundies ever, if I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[laying down, Michael is sitting on DeAngelo's stomach bouncing up and down in Michael's office] Me mo. Me mo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Good. Good!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Meee Mo, Mee!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now, tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court and choose between them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[getting off his stomach] Too personal. I don't wanna hear about it. [picking up a portable tape player] Let's try this. Put these on. [DeAngelo puts the headphones in] I am going to turn this on, and turn the volume all the way up. So you can't- [DeAngelo winces] That's right, you're not going to be able to hear yourself. Read this, [gives him a card] and make it sound perfect." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "THE DUNDIES ARE-OW-ABOUT COMING TOGETHER! AND RECOGNIZING, THE ADOMINABILITY OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT! [Jim comes and closes the door]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Say it with an accent!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[bad Australian accent attempt] THE DUNDIES!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[also in a poor Australian accent] The Dundies!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "THE DUNDIES!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim and Pam are walking outside] I just don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me, and not just regular fries." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah... [they see Erin eating in her car, and ducking when they see her. Pam knocks on her car window] Hey, Erin, everything okay?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Get away from the car, he's gonna see you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who's gonna see us?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[desperately] Just get in! Get in! Just get in!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Get in the car? [Jim and Pam get in the back seat]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Please! Sorry. Get in. [Jim and Pam are confused and worried] Sorry sorry sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's wrong?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I eat lunch in the car now. It's my alone time. It's just nice to have some time away from Gabe." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why don't you wanna eat lunch with your boyfriend?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I, really don't like spending time with him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't you think it's better to tell him the truth now? You know, rather than waste more of his time?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I'm gonna go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you got this. Kay? [Erin nods] Alright. Feel better!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, that just wasn't interesting to me." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I can't just dump him Pam, I'm not like you, I can't be mean." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, when am I...? You just have to be clear and firm. You know, just tell him you don't love him. Just be honest with him. [Erin nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[standing by the Louie Volpies entrance greeting people and giving them menus]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[walks in] Hi!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Appalling. [Meredith walks in] Eye sore. [Jim and Pam come in] Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "DeAngelo, Jo's on the phone for you." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "[Michael dressed as Jo Bennett, using a bad Southern accent] DeAngelo! We're in serious horse manure here! The Dundies are tonight! And we ain't got no host!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh no!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Luckily I have someone for you!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Billy Crystal?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Better." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Neil Patrick Harris?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "He's in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi! [everyone in the audience is laughing]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Ughhh, I gotta find Michael Scott! And then I gotta, [Russel Brand impression] Get Him to the Dundies!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[in the office near the accountants] Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott Angela?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice] My boyfriend can, he's a state senator." }, { "character": "Audience", "line": "[laughing]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh wait, he can't help because that title has no meaning!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[laughing]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Try Jim DeAngelo, he'll be able to help." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Jim! Do you know where I can find Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael is wearing a wig that is very close to Jim's actual hair, and he is wearing fake earrings, and speaking in a punk-ish deep voice] I totally don't know where Michael is, dude, hey you wanna listen to some records?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[shaking head at the camera]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No one is listening to me! And I'm running out of time!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[Micheal dressed as Phyllis, pretending to knit] Well, what are you talking about? [cracking noise] Ohh! Ohh! [falls onto the ground] I've fallen and I can't get up!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Maybe I just need to look into my heart. [in the bathroom in front of the mirror] DeAngelo, where is Michael Scott. [his reflection in the mirror turns around to reveal that it is Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm here. [DeAngelo gasps and turns around] In a good way! I've been here the whole time." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The analytical part of me wants to examine it, but I know it has no content." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for you co-host this evening, Michael Gary Scott. [Michael comes running up to stage as people applaud] Please remain standing for your other co-host, and new manager, DeAngelo Jeremitrius Vickers! [DeAngelo presents himself, and changes his mind and runs off] Was that part of the...?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the bathroom] DeAngelo, what are you doing? There's a live audience out there!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Go do it by yourself, get Ryan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Ryan would never do it. It's too on the radar. Look, look. The boss, hosts, the Dundies! It's sort of our perk!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "This was not, part of the job description!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen to me, you're not doing this for me, you're not doing this for you, you're not even doing this for them!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Who am I doing this for?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[slaps him] You're doing this for all those kids out there, eating off the Louie Volpies kid's menu, wondering: Does it get better? What I want you to do, is I want you to say: It's showtime. Get out there." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I can't. [Michael slaps him again]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Say it." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Stop, hitting me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can do it, just say it." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hit me again. [Michael slaps him once more]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now hit me. [DeAngelo slaps him] One, two, three." }, { "character": "Together", "line": "It's showtime." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, here we go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line. [everyone laughs]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Fall asleep right after sex. Huh guys?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, go back to the script." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are a lot of great salesmen in this office, but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad. And a close personal friend of mine, Jim Halpert! Best Dad Dundie! [Dwight plays a celebratory honking noise on his keyboard]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! I do not parent for the award but I gotta tell you It feels pretty good. Uh, Cece, if you're watching this at home it's way past your bedtime, by the way how'd this get televised?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know maybe being a good dad is just all in your own compass. I don't know, I don't know. Thank you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. [all applaud Jim]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You didn't think to mention me huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Didn't I?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. [Pam gets ready and Jim smiles at her] I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office. Meredith Palmer!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[jogs up and makes out with Michael, who is unwilling] Tell ya one thing, I'm not gonna be a good mom tonight! Whooo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me, can I get a photo of the Best Mom and the Best Dad please?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I gotta go do this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[annoyed] Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Big smiles folks! There they are." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the office goes to, [Ryan stands up] Danny Cordray! [Ryan quickly sits] Danny couldn't be here tonight..." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Uhm, I'm very relieved. How do you, how do you judge something like that? What is the criteria even? It's, it's so subjective." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. [Stanley looks angry] But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! [Stanley slowly walks over, angry] Come on up here you sick bastard." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have diabetes too. You don't see me making a big deal about it." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "They say he's going to be my right hand man, adlib masturbation joke. [realizing he wasn't supposed to read that directly off the cue card, speaks quietly] No, I hate this, I hate it so much. [loud again] Dwight Schrute! Please accept this promising Assistant Manager Dundie. [people clap as Dwight takes the microphone, he is obviously unenthused] Thank you, thank you so much. I would like to thank something that we, uh, take for granted in our daily lives. And that is the humble trashcan. [Creed nods] This is for you trashcan! [walks off and throws the Dundie into the trashcan]" }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "[the manager of Louie Volpies approaches a giggling Kevin, who is coloring with crayons on the tablecloth] Who gave you those crayons?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I brought them from home! Do you have a red?" }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "This is a cloth tablecloth! You can't color on it!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh really? [camera shows that Kevin has drawn a house on the tablecloth." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? [manager looks up, angrily at Michael] Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley, what do thay all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here and receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award! [Erin looks thrilled and walks up to the stage]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That is bull! [throws her Dundie]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you, thank you! This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life. [Gabe and Andy smile at her] People are right about the Dundies, they are magical. But, I don't feel it. And I think that's because I'm not with the right person. Gabe, we should break up." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm not attracted to you. I just, I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, right Pam? [Pam looks very awkward] Thank you for hearing me." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[stands up and walks to stage, takes the microphone] Well, this is embarrassing, um, I'm obviously really angry at Erin. It's that quarter life crisis everyone's been talking about. [Jim is looking wide eyed, jaw dropped] Alright I'm gonna go. [Dwight plays cricket noises]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[escorts Erin off stage] There you go." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Damn that was cold." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and tries to go back to his seat]" }, { "character": "Audience", "line": "Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hold on, hold on one second. [puts on the headphones and turns the volume up all the way] I WANNA, I WANNA, I FEEL TRULY BLESSED! UHHH, TO BE WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU! BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, FUNNY STORY, I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, VOMITTING, AND VOMITTING IN THE MEN'S ROOM!" }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "Okay, okay. [trying to stop him from offending other people in his restaurant]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR MOST OF THE EVENING..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stopping Manager] DeAngelo is expressing himself. [manager pulls the microphone cable, everyone can still here DeAngelo." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "This is truly special, for me! And uh, anyway. It's so much lighter!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, we're done! That's it." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Michael, are we?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're done. We're done!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Outside of the restaurant, obviously sad] So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it'd be more like Godfather Three. That rapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather One! That was, very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh well..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, we were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I know I'm the cause of this royal screw up but I would like to see this show go on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. You're being too hard on yourself. We had a very truncated rehearsal time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started. [others nod in agreement]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So what you're saying is you kinda like it? [Phyllis impression] I've fallen and I can't get up! [normal again] That Phyllis bit, that was pretty good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know that we need to dissect it all now, but-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That got a big laugh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That did. Pretty huge laugh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Stanley, who is cracking up again] You were laughing right?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I was." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[with Dwight and Michael outside Michael's car] You know what, I have to go to the bathroom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're really close." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I can just run over to the gas station." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's true, we wouldn't get seats together." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Okay, fine I'll hold it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the car] You know, despite a couple hiccups, I think that went very well." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I thought it was the worst Dundies I've ever been to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gladly! I'd accept that award, because a bitch, is a female dog!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[as Michael pulls over and stops the car] Please don't stop so suddenly, the seatbelt is pressing on my bladder. Why are you even wearing a seatbelt, you're sitting in the backseat, baby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is your problem?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just don't see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue is bad, the fashion is boring." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! That, that is unfair! The clothing was safe, but tasteful." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And next time, why don't you pick a co-host, that doesn't have microphone-a-phobia!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[very uncomfortable] Look, what ever you're going to do, how long is it going to take? Ballpark. 'Cause I just, I gotta make a decision here. [gets out and slams the door]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He is in an all-out sprint." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in conference room] Here... [Andy walks in] Okay! By his own omission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award goes to, Andy Bernard! [Andy walks up]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A lot of people I'd like to thank, but I think we all actually wanna thank you Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay. [nods to him]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, we actually all really wanna thank you, for everything." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[starts playing the tune to Seasons of Love while Andy sits down]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God, something's happening." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "In costumes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And impressions!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "In meetings." }, { "character": "Erin & Kelly", "line": "And cups of coffee." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "For birthdays!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "More meetings and-" }, { "character": "Women", "line": "E-Mail forms you made us read." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You hit me with your car!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You helped me get off drugs!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I watch you when you sleep." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I forgive you for kissing me!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call." }, { "character": "Kelly & Erin", "line": "Call, text or e-mail, or call." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[falsetto] Measure your life in love!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Remember to call, remember to, call. Remember to call." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[choked up] Yeah, okay. [pauses, then takes a deep breath] Well this is gonna hurt like a mother[bleep]." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[recall to Dundies at Louie Volpies] Every day, millions of Americans suffer from extreme repulsiveness. Someone in our midst, is bringing that problem to light. Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the Extreme Repulsiveness Award. Oh that's so mean!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it's not." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Toby is shaking his head, no] It's his last Dundies." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You gotta play along man." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Come on Toby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it! [Toby comes up and take the mic]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I really disagree with this. I think it's kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case I was recently a juror on. The Scranton Strangler. That man's being put to death. I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty any more. [Dwight plays a clip from the song Oh Yeah: Ohhhh yeah! Chica chicaaa]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sitting on the roof of the office building] Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here, getting used to the altitude." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking up] Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've got a treat for you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh, thank you. Like a butler." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Colorado specialty, Rocky Mountain Oysters." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael takes one and bites] Oh, these do not taste like oysters." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[angrily] That's because they're Not oysters, they're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! [Michael spits it out] Hah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sick freak! What is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is wrong with you? I'm the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didn't recommend me?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? [Dwight scoffs] The job was not mine to give. [sighs] Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...in order to feed the bears." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do you mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael, what are you thinking?! And they run faster than a horse, so if you were thinking about outrunning one on a horse I would try a cheetah. You, in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a Black Bear. Do you understand? [Michael nods in agreement] You're like a giant walking salami!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Any kind of meat that you can possibly name!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[with Michael in his office] You're not gonna take all these toys are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hm?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I mean you don't have a job lined up, so it's not like you have a desk to put 'em on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I have interviews." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "That's nice. [reaches and a grabs a toy truck] How 'bout that truck? Can I have this little truck? I was thinking I might... glue a stapler on top. Or put a hole here, stick pens in it. [Michael gives an obviously fake smile] You okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Yes, you know what? Take my favorite truck. Sure." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "You know what? Uh, it's your last couple days, I'm gonna get out of your hair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh you don't, that's-" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I will be in the break room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That sounds good. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Dead man walking." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sad? No, no, no. I don't leave 'til tomorrow, so... Tomorrow I will be a wreck." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[sees Andy walk into the Men's Room and follows him in] Stay away from Erin! [cornering him in the bathroom]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm your boss!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why don't you, uh, stay away from me?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No, I'm gonna stand where I want. Okay? You don't wanna get on my bad side! I've seen some horrible things! I own over two hundred horror movies!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay! That's so weird! Just go away!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No! You go away! [storms out, toilet flushes, Jim exits the bathroom]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[weak] Hi Tuna." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[in the conference room with Pam, Angela, and Meredith] How about cupcakes?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Please." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's wrong with cupcakes?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Everything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking in] There they are! Party Planning Committee together again!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well we all wanted to plan your goodbye party. We thought this would be easier." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We thought." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's an experiment." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "The three of us have all been chairmen before." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So this is the dream team." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[walking up behind the glass] Hey! What are you saying?!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The dream team... and Meredith." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[to Michael] We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, your favorite." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah that was a surprise..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody'll like. How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[surprised] Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. Alright?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Should we get toppings?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you like Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[confused] What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What kind of toppings would you like?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hot fudge?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sounds good. Fudge it up! [all seem surprised at Michael's behavior]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding up his \"World's Best Boss Mug\"] I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. [holds up a Dundie that reads, 'World's Best Boss 2011, Michael G. Scott', throws his mug into the garbage can and places his Dundie at the front of his desk] I still need something to drink out of though." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pulls out a list of everyone in the office, then puts it back in his jacket] Attention everyone, before I leave tomorrow I would like to reveal a secret I have kept for over twenty years. A secret about Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Please Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When Phyllis was in high school, she was so... cute. [Phyllis looks relieved] And she still is." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I thought he knew about the baby I gave away." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[holds up mittens she's knitting] Look Michael, it's a going away present so your hands won't get cold." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring-dry gently, and use a hairdryer on cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hesitantly] Sounds great, I just think it's great. Oh, I have gifts as well! [goes into his office and comes out with a bag] And I will start, by giving the first gift to Phyllis! Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should. Because you have great ideas. So Phyllis, I am giving you this, so you can always remember to speak your mind. [presents to her a mouth wind-up chattering toy]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's cute. [plays with it]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley, you love your Sudoku and your puzzles, I bestow upon you, my felt. [gives Stanley a small felt table] May you never lose the fun loving quality in life." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Where's the rest of it, it's got no balls." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, okay... And Andy, Andy who needs confidence that he is a great salesman. I give you, my clients, our ten most important accounts. [other salesmen look outraged]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[angry] Yeah wow!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know I'm the worst salesman here right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But you're the best salesman, on the inside." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What does that even mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm gonna lose 'em." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're not gonna lose them." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I promise you that I will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just do your best! I have faith in you." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[as Michael walks away, Stanley whispers angrily to Andy] Gimme those clients!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[to Dwight] Do you believe that?!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I used to be obese. Once you've conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I'm not saying I'm superman, but, let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I'm pretty sure everything would be fine. I almost welcome it. [winks]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin, I have something for you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh! [Michael unrolls it to reveal it is a caricature of Kevin as a pig eating pizza]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know who that is?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[rips the poster in half] Don't be a caricature Kevin, never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Better..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, stand up. [Kevin does so] You will be thin. You Won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You will find love." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are. [moving on] Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, you are-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just lost Porter Hardware! I just, I lost 'em!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[quietly groans] Okay, you know what? Just do your best buddy! Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education. And, I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this. [takes a sack tied in the upper middle making a crude head, with a face drawn on, obviously the product of poor craftsmanship, Oscar pretends to like it]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you Michael. It's beautiful." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] It looks like a [more laughing] It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! [laughs more] He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Was it just me, or did you think that we were going to have sex at some point?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It was just you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How would you have wanted to do it? Okay, okay. You know what? Inappropriate. I am engaged happily, and you have landed yourself a Senator." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "State Senator." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm, bravo!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Brava!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You wanna see some pictures? I just got these." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uhm, these are, okay this is us at the theater. And antiquing! Oh, rollerblading." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's that? Who's that guy? [points to second guy in the pictures]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I guess this could be the one, huh?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah. [Oscar shakes his head no]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[walking into the kitchen, DeAngelo is using the coffee machine to cook chicken covered in melted chocolate] Hey." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[hurriedly, while hiding the chocolate covered chicken] Hey!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Let's rip it up homes. [smacks top of the door frame with his hand, leaving a chocolate hand outline]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[Andy walks by with DeAngelo, says quietly after he leaves] Walk away bitch." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Michael is leaving the accounting area] Oh Michael! Where do you want your last pay check sent?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My last pay check?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You have an address yet in Colorado?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What town do Holly's parents live in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not sure, um, Mountainton?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Sounds beautiful!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Michael sits alone eating at the back of the kitchen, Pam comes in with Jim, Creed and Kevin] You should do more stuff like that." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm going to!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Michael] Hey! It's almost your last day, come sit with us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nah, I'm almost done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Finally! That old shredder sucked." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's a good shredder, it just keeps breaking." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, it won't shred magazines." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's not supposed to shred magazines Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I know..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you break the shredder Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, it's just... that old shredder sucks. [Michael looks tearful] Just get one that'll shred magazines." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[crying] I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one, and I don't think my credits will transfer. Ugh, and you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote. [picks World's Best Boss mug out of the trashcan and puts it back on his desk] I gotta call her, and I'm going to tell her, that I cannot come. [dials on his phone]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[on phone] Hello there!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. What is the name of our town?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. I just needed to hear your voice." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[Yoda voice] Oh you mean this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] Yes. [Olive Oyl impression] Yes my hero!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[deep man voice] I'll pay the rent! [Michael laughs] Okay, my mom's looking at me and she has no sense of humor. It's a joke mom!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] Ohh, I miss you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well I'll see you tonight. I'll pick you up outside baggage claim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I love you too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hangs up and composes himself] Yes, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm, I'm gonna be leaving tonight. I head to the airport at four. [looks at the list of members of the office, with some names crossed out] And I have said goodbye to half of them." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[grimaces and nods, Toby nods back at him] Okay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[smiling] Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks over to Kelly] Kelly! Kelly? Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[doing make up and irritated] What?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in Ryan's office, which is illuminated blue] She was once my girl, and she is your girl now." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wow. [camera pans over to show that the light is from Michael's St. Pauli Girl Sign, hanging in Ryan's office]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is... totally unnecessary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're not prone to seizures?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in conference room with the party planning committee] So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[quickly] Erotic." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "See? This is what happens. You can't let a stray dog into the house." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hmm, let's hear here out. I would like to hear more about these cakes. [Angela and Pam look uncomfortable]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good God..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "They make these cakes, they're wild! I mean, they show everything!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't, I don't think we sh-" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black, they do it all. And the women on these cakes, they're not just guy's fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[stopping her] Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it feels good to be represented on one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what, I think we should get some other input." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, cupcakes. That's what I said." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No! I'm not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms! You know, we don't really care about your opinion. You're just a tie-breaker." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sees Pam walking towards the door of the office] Um, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey Michael! I'm just going to go to Carbondale to price some shredders. I'll see you later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[disappointed] Okay... [Jim is confused]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[walking into the women's bathroom, Gabe storms in after her] Gabe!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I need to talk to you!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You can't be in here. This is a lady's room!" }, { "character": "abe", "line": "Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here everytime you go if that's what it takes. [Creed walks out of one of the stalls]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Not cool man. [walks out]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I really think you should leave." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Can we talk about this later, I have to go." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Just read the letter under your windshield wiper, it explains everything. Quick one. [leans in for a kiss]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay... [walks out embarrassed]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[on video cam with his brother] Here's the thing Rory, I knew you guys would hit it off in an odd way." }, { "character": "Rory", "line": "I can bring him a welcome basket. I'll surprise him." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Do- Well you should give him a little time to settle in. But-" }, { "character": "Rory", "line": "Does he like jams? My shelves are over flowing with preserves." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, no. He hates jams." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking into Darryl's office] Darryl!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like to give you, the only copy, of Somehow I Manage. [hands him a thin black folder] Unfinished. If there's anyone here who can finish it, it's you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's sweet Mike. Let's see here. There's a chapter, called Gum. With one sentence. Everybody likes the guy who offers him a stick of gum." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmhmmm. It's true. Darryl, I have one last wish. I would like to use the bailer." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No. Can't let you do that Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No problem. Worth a try." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in warehouse] Darryl said I could use the bailer because I'm leaving." }, { "character": "Warehouse Guy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[picks up a basketball and dribbles it away from the basket] Alright guys, well... see ya later warehouse. Catch you on the flippity flip. [throws the ball behind him and misses the basket, tries and misses several more times]" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[in car with Andy] okay, so what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? [Andy stares blankly] Hmm?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "That's stupid. [laughing. Nervously, Andy laughs with him]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[joking] What do I know?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[still laughing] What do you know? We gotta get psyched up! Okay? Guy? Let's get psyched! Is there an animal shelter on the way?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[confused] Yeah." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Awesome! Ani Ani Shelto! Here we come. Do you know how to high-five?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "'Cause if you do now's the time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[going for it] Alright." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Not while I'm driving." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[still trying the backwards basket] Catch you guys- [forklift drives in front of the camera] Catch you guys on the filippity flip. [misses and picks it up again] Flippity flip! [misses again and grabs it back] Flippity flip! [makes it in, gets excited] Really? [composes himself] Okay, see ya guys! [walks away, containing his self-pleasure]" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[at the animal shelter with Andy] You know how I met Jo Bennett? And got started on my ladder of success?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. I don't." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[hands Andy a dog] I'm walking along, out of work. Again. Thinking to myself, 'I only have enough cash to by a sandwich, or get drunk. And I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog! So I grab the dog. He runs off. She's so grateful, she hires me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Awwhh, wow." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Gimme that dog! That's not your dog! [takes the dog from a confused Andy] Yeah! Again." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, okay..." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Gimme that damn dog you f***ing thief! Don't ever do It again! [Andy nods modestly] You hear me?! [Andy nods again] You feel that energy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmhmmm." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Wooo! Yeah! [parades in circles with the dog, pretends to whack Andy with it] [giving it to Andy] Okay, again." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know that Gabe is young, and hot and everything. And he's begging me to reconsider, but I... I just think I'm in love with someone else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahhhh..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I wish I knew who my birth mother was, so she could just tell me who to choose." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe neither." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm not attracted to Kevin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this. At all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful. And you are fun. And you are smart. [Erin is smiling] And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. [kisses her head] And you know what? You don't need a mom. Because you have my number, and you can call me anytime." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[nods] Extension 147." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "N-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [both chuckling. Michael leaves Erin, looking thoughtful]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[on the phone] You want the 27-26 or the 27-30?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis. Phyllis, are my mittens done?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No. [trying to finish her sale when Michael hangs up the phone] I'm on a sale!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen to me. It's two p.m. From now until four, your priority is knitting. Knit like the wind." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay... [Jim gives a knowing look to the camera]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow. [pulls out an envelope from his jacket]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I wanted to give you that. [hands him the envelope] It's a letter of recommendation. [Dwight looks eager. Michael nods to him and walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is gonna be good. [eagerly reading the letter] To whom it may concern. [off to the side] Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. [reading again] The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme. [to the side again] That's great, if I wanted the dictionary definition I'd buy a dictionary. [reading again, slowly gets sadder] I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme. [holding back tears] Lot's more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulling out a small card from the envelope. Reads it] Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball. [checks his watch quickly] Ohhh, yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[opening his trunk excitedly and gets out his paintball gear, takes his gun and looks for Michael, gives up, Michael jumps out of the dumpster shooting, they shoot each other, yell, laugh, and taunt, having a great time]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the office, crosses Dwight off his list. He has paint in his messed up hair, and is containing his laughter]" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[giving his and Andy's pitch to a client] I would just like to start off saying, I have not worked with Mr. Andy Bernard for very long, I can say, is that he is no Michael Scott. I can't sit here and tell you he's gonna be a success. I can't sit here and tell you that he's even the best man for the job. [Andy looks awkward] But I can say this: He's got potential. Sure. You know, I always say: go big, or go home. You go with This guy, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life, OR, the biggest, Good decision of your life. It's either gonna be the best thing you ever did, or the worst thing you ever did. If you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it, for the agreed upon price, [Andy looks hopeful] Andy's not your guy. [Andy deflates] You ever play Russian Roulette? [scoffs] Time to spin the chamber horse. By signing up for another year. [hands the client a folder he needs signed for another year's contract]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael walks into the office, still a mess] Ahh, what happened to you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You should see the other guy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[smiles knowingly]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looks at the clock to see it is three o'clock] Jim where is Pam?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uhh, she's still pricing the whatevers. The shredders." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But it is already three o'clock! [Michael leaves, Jim gives a knowing look to the camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[walks into a movie theater showing The King's Speech]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in his office talking to Creed, Gabe, and Meredith in that order] Whether you're scared of dying, or dying Alone, or dying drunk in a ditch. Don't be. It's going to be okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Gabe is still standing in front of Michael's desk] And you, why are you still here." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[sounding hurt] I'm either going to quit today, or stay to make sure that Andy's career is destroyed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you are not going to quit today. For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day in the office. Everybody gets dumped Gabe. Can I give you a piece of advice? [Gabe nods] A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, and make you look less like a transvestite. [Gabe looks awkward and Michael winks]" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[walking out the client's room with Andy] That is cold sir! Absolutely cold. You know what? It was a complete waste of my time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh DeAngelo, I'm, uh. I forgot my bag, so I'll meet you in the car." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[grumbles] Okay whatever." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[walks into the client's office again] Sir, I'd just like to apologize, for that. I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is I think he's just a terrible salesman. And I want you to know, that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call." }, { "character": "Client", "line": "Keep talking." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[on his phone waiting for Andy, next to their car] Yes. Okay, alright. No, well thank you! Alright, take care. [hangs up] You'll never guess, we did it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[laughing] Hey! [they hug] Good job boss!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "We did it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing in front of his office, sees that it is three forty five] Okay, everybody come on. Conference room five seconds! Let's go! Hurry up, let's do this! [Dwight runs into the conference room. All others follow]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yes, what is this about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is this meeting about?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mmhmmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here, together, because I have something important. Well there's two things actually. Okay first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam. [Jim looks regretful] And secondly, Phyllis how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them. I'm leaving for the day at four." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "They're almost done but my knuckles are swelling a little and-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[cutting her off] Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is that it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Umm, hmm?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is that it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[the office looks up expectantly] Ummm... Hm... No. [changing his mind] No. There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes, he's coming right in. [walks out and then back in, now using a Vietnamese accent] Oh hi everybody, it's Ping! [the office groans] And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people! Thank you everybody! You've been so wonderful! [only Kevin is laughing. Stanley tries to leave. Michael hugs him] I ruv you all! I ruv you very much!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure. [Ping accent] Be right out!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[brings Michael into his office] So I've been meaning to tell ya, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sad] Ohh..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding back tears] Okay..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, so that's it huh? Just, four o'clock and you are gone for good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes... goodbyes are a bitch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pulls out a recorder and speaks softly into it] T-Shirt idea, goodbyes stink. Okay, alright. So. James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company, as a fine young man..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And then tomorrow, I can tell you... what a great boss, you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had. [Jim is holding back tears too]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hears a taxi honking] Oh shoot! That's my cab." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen Michael, I really... I did text Pam, but..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, it's okay. Just, give her a hug. Alright?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[shakes Michael's hand] I will see you, tomorrow at lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[chuckles] You got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... [crosses Jim off his list] Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh no, they're still not done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no, let me see. [picks up the mostly knitted mittens] Oh Phyllis, nice try. I love 'em. [waves goodbye to her with the mittens] [Michael begins walking out the office, he takes one last look at all his friends to see them working, and Jim looking back, teary eyed]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[drinking from Michael's World's Best Boss mug] See ya tomorrow boss!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Later guys. [leaves the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got almost everybody. So... Holly's my family now. [you see video of Michael getting into the cab, and driving off. As the cab leaves, Pam drives in] She's my family. The babies that I make with her, will be my children. The people that you work with, are just... when you get down to it... your very best friends. They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. [You see Michael getting out and entering the airport, and going through security] I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[putting his shoes back on, talking to the camera crew] Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. Alright... Oh! [pulls out his mic from his shirt] This is gonna feel so good, getting this thing off my chest. [he hands them the body mic, when he speaks it is inaudible now] That's what she said! [waves goodbye and walks off to his gate, halfway there Pam comes running up to him and they hug for a while. They say their goodbyes to each other, and Michael walks off for good]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[watching Michael's plane take off. Crying and has smeared make up on] No he wasn't sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an award's member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[all are in the conference room for Michael's party. Michael isn't there. Jim gives the camera a knowing look] Well if he's not gonna make it at least we should go ahead and eat the cake. [Kevin nods] I for one love the corners. [cuts a corner piece, picks it up with his bare hands, and takes a bite] Why'd I just do that? It's not even that good. I don't even want it. I had cake for lunch. [throws the piece in the garbage] No, you know what? I've been good. I deserve this. [grabs a piece from another corner. The office groans] What am I doing? [chucks it into the trashcan] Come on DeAngelo! [DeAngelo tries to lick the cake, everybody yells no]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Jim] Uh oh... [Jim, tearful, nods]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are comin', and they're comin' fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright. I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at 5. Change number one: Darryl. Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night. Full ride. Deal with it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Stone cold seriously." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "They are trying to figure me out. And I don't like it. Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear. And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader. Because as soon as I'm hearing what I want to hear, I'm not gonna care." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Change two, Toby, you're gettin' a new chair." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Don't thank me! Hey, don't thank me, guy! Okay? And I don't care if you like it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "These sound like good ideas, why wouldn't we like them?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream. You either like it or you don't. [Andy nods] That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This all sounds great to me. [hesitates] But I could see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "That is a s-- astute observation, Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Kev's got me pegged. [chuckles]" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "It blows away Vermont in the fall." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Snap, for real?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good morning, Deangelo." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hold on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[continuing to talk to Darryl] And if you're really serious, you should go in the spring." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because of the flowers." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No. Because the entire state smells like Earth." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dogwoods, or just the Earth." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yes, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, well, good morning. I think I have good news for you today. I found your new executive assistant. My friend Carla. [looking at resume] She's got great experience. We even considered making her Cece's godmother, but she had this boyfriend at the time-- but here's her resume." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Put it with the rest." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[entering his office] Hey dudes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, he hates me!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No he doesn't. You just get so nervous and hyper around him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Every time there's a silence, your brain's like \"Heh-heh-huh-huh\" [imitating crying]." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Careful. There is no inner circle." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things, to a few guys." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! [thinks] Which doesn't exist." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[holding two cups of coffee] There he is! Got ya coffee. [offers cup to Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, wow, thank you. That was so kind of you. [throws cup in the garbage]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Not a coffee guy, I take it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's just that I own the coffee shop. So, once you've seen sausage being made, all you want to do is make sausage, because it's so much fun." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Listen. I've got a sixer. \"Automatic for the People\" on the jukebox. Let's hit the park after sundown. Come on! Pick up some sausage if you want." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think you'll find what you're looking for [points toward Oscar] over there." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It reminds me of my relationship with my son. Except there, I'm the Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Who's the biggest client in the state? I say we go get 'em, whatever it takes. Huh? What do you guys say?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Right! Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, I say we just go for it!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[shoots mini basketball at hoop on office door, misses badly] Is that ball lighter than usual? Is that a Chinatown knockoff?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's Toys R Us, I think." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No, that's definitely a knockoff. You can feel the center of gravity's off. Feel that. [throws ball to Gabe] What do you think?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[holding ball in open palm] Oh, yeah, totally. Jim, you got ripped off big time." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[calling for the ball] Deangelo! [shoots and makes it] See what I did there? That's what you need to do. [makes shooting gesture] It's that little English. The British are coming." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Deangelo's open!" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Hey Ry. Your department's killing it, baby. [puts arm around Ryan]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey hey, my pleasure, my treasure." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Keep it up." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The problem with having \"It\" or \"the X-factor\" or whatever it is you want to call it, is that it's impossible to put into words what you're bringing to the table. So to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying, strongly implied that I'm Kelly's supervisor. It's not even that much of a stretch. She pretty much does whatever I say." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why should I pretend that you are my boss?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly? I'll tell you what I would have done for you. I'd lie for you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'd die for you too." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You really would?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[hears Deangelo entering] Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Sure thing, Mr. Howard." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Woo. Glad he's not my boss." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[whispers to Kelly] You're the best. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula for a certain popular cola that I shall not name. So I've never had to buy it. True story. I just drink my cousin's." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy. Each one better than the last." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "You know what... straight up, why don't you like me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm just not a suck-up like everyone else around here. Okay? I do my job well, so why don't you just leave me alone and let me do it. Okay?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Ohhhh no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Okay? I'm gonna win you over." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No you're not." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yes I am." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes [starts to run out of the break room] yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looking at resume] Uh oh, this former administrative assistant misspelled \"administrative\" and \"assistant.\"" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The winner: under \"Special Skills,\" Mr. Don Feiner put \"Juggling.\" [laughter]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "What's wrong with juggling, Darryl? I'm a big juggler. I actually perform a motivational juggling routine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh yeah. I'd do it for you here, but uh, what would you say this room is, 300 square feet? 320?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "320. Just freeballin' it." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "It's a little cramped. How many square feet out there? 17, 18 hundo?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I think it's 18 hundo." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Give or take. [Deangelo walks out]" } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Sorry gang. Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car. It's not." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh no, do you think it was stolen?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I gotcha covered, boss. Used to play with the parabolas myself. [opens desk drawer and takes out balls] Got some extra balls! [throws them toward Deangelo, who dodges them] Hey-hey-hey-ho!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Sorry, I never touch another juggler's instruments. You know, we're all here, I've got the music cued, why don't I just do my routine without the juggling balls? [starts to play \"Wake Me Up Inside\" by Evanescence] Prepare... to go into the danger zone. [begins pretend juggling routine]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh wow, you weren't kidding." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No. Never. Can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare! [Kevin pretends to throw ball] Incoming! And we're on! Remember, nothing's impossible! Phyllis, where's Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[raises hand] Here." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Do you believe in me, Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Because I believe in you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[pretending to bounce balls off Phyllis at close range] Feel that connection? Don't move your head. Please. Thank you. Oh! Big hand for Phyllis! [clapping] That took a lot of guts! [finishes routine] Ho! I'm Deangelo Vickers, thank you so much, hope you learned something." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Didn't drop a single ball!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[imitating Deangelo's pretend juggling routine] Look. I'm juggling eggs and bowling balls. I'm juggling with one hand. No hands." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine? How can you keep defending him?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's good at his job. And I like working for him." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Of course you do, Jim. You're a man. Deangelo is a huge sexist." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think if he was sexist, I'd be able to tell. I took a crapload of women's studies courses at Cornell. And I wrote my own companion piece to the \"Vagina Monologues\" called the \"Penis Apologies.\" So I know a thing or two." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay. Then how about I'm the head of the Accounting Department, but he only ever talks to Kevin? What about Pam and Kelly? Also department heads. But has he ever met with you or even asked you to do anything?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How could I not see it? You're so right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Why don't you talk to him about it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And say what? \"Hey Deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist?\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why don't you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his penis goodbye. Snip snip. Am I right, girls?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, you got a second?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yeah, I got tons of time. This job's a joke." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "So what's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm, really, it's nothing, I was just talking to Angela, and she was --" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[opening door to Deangelo's office] Hey, saw Jim come in. We meeting?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yeah sure. Let's make it a meeting. [Darryl, Kevin, Gabe enter office]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If it's alright, can I just have like one minute alone, just to go over --" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "What's the big secret? Why are you even whispering? Come on, it's the guys!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. [Gabe and Darryl stand on either side of Jim with paper and pens in hand] Just the guys. Well, maybe that's, uh, part of the problem. I think...so what happened was, I was talking with some of the department heads. Uh, some of the female department heads." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Uh-oh. Right?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hot!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe there's a vibe out there, with certain members of the office, that you are...a little sexist, or --" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Damn!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa. Whoa. Wait." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Are you serious? Who feels this way?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Like nobody." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Umm, Pam?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was --" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Was it Pam?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Deangelo, she can get really bitchy. [begins bad imitation of Pam] Kevin..." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Guys. Hold on. Doesn't matter who, okay? I'm just happy that Jim brought it to my attention because honestly, I had - I had no idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's awesome." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[on phone] Mom, Ryan's taking us out to dinner tonight. No, no, he's not going to stand us up like he did last time. He won't ever stand us up again." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[joint talking head with Kelly] So I am the new customer service supervisor." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "When Deangelo's around." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And I am also a very dutiful boyfriend when --" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "All the time." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All the time." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Erin, do you mind running down to the lobby and bringing up my brand new executive assistant?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, who'd you end up hiring?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oh, I'm glad you asked, Jim. Because apparently there's a rumor running around here that I am a sexist. I can't work here effectively if you guys think I'm something that I am not. I am not a sexist. Raise your hand if you have a vagina. [Deangelo raises hand, Kelly and Pam sheepishly raise hands] Raise your hand if someone you love has a vagina. [Deangelo raises other hand, along with rest of office] Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just about everyone. What about Deangelo's hand? Oh wow. He's got 'em both up. [Ryan raises both hands] Yeah. Uh huh. [others raise both hands] Yeah, so it bothers me when I hear that there's gossip around here that I treat women lesser than men. Okay? Frankly, we all look a little ridiculous when that happens." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm not a feminist, but I think that the men in this office are being given chances that the women aren't." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Dwight, what's your take?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Man, you're smart. [Erin arrives with new executive assistant] Oh, hey! Hi! Hello. Welcome. Uh, everyone, I'd like you to please welcome Jordan Garfield. This is everyone." }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, Jordan, uh, where did you work before? Uh, a law office?" }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "No, Anthropology. We don't have this in that size, pretty lame." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Lame? You worked at Anthropology?" }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That's like my dream job. How did you even get that job?" }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Well, I umm -" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You chose this job over that job?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly, we have a lot to get done today." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, umm, is this your first office job then?" }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No corporate experience whatsoever. I didn't want anyone with any bad habits." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[heading into Deangelo's office] Jim, you coming?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah, did he text us?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. [Jim looks at cell phone as Dwight's phone vibrates]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[holds up phone and looks into Deangelo's office] No!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, what are you doing? Get in there. This is not the time to take a stand. At least he likes one of us." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He didn't text me. [Andy's phone chimes]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! I'm in." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm going in, into the belly of the beast. Gonna infiltrate and change from within. [joins the group in Deangelo's office] What's up, mancave! [makes barking noises]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Just go in. Just go in, he probably forgot to text you." } ], [ { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Internally, for office use [Jim quietly enters Deangelo's office and sits down] where do we get our paper from? Do we go -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Jordan] Don't worry, the first day's always the hardest." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[staring at Jim] Hey Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Can I help you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. Just... [Deangelo continues staring at him] Okay. [gets up and leaves office]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, there is no inner...circle." } ], [ { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Dwight? Deangelo wanted me to ask you if there's anything I can help you with." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? Anything." }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Do you need anything?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, I do not want to waste your time, so I will keep this br-r-r-r-r-r-ief. Now, word on the street is, Mercy Hospital, back on the market. Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week. Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project. Which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut that assists in the scraping of barnacles --" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So this is my life. Until I win the lottery [laughs]. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey! Kelly, that's the last time I'm gonna talk to you about your paycheck! Okay? We pay you a fair salary here, and if you're only here for the money, maybe you shouldn't be here at all." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "No one likes a money grubber." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm sorry, Mr. Howard, I apologize for grubbing for money. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss. Okay? Frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Ohh." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, that's hilarious, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo. He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically. Just like the way Rango didn't save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Is this true, Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I did not see Rango." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Okay, I don't have time for this he said-she said." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "He's not saying anything!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "It's too murky. I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me. Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That's not fair, I mean, I've been working here for such a long ti-- [Deangelo walks away]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[sighs] Oh, close call! Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2 am." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[knocking on door to Deangelo's office as loud yelling comes from inside it] Hey! It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun, but it's really loud, and some of us are trying to work, so do you think you could do it a little more quietly?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, that's gonna be tough, because we're getting a dunking clinic from Magic Jordan himself." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[chuckles] Oh, you mean Michael Jordan?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[laughs] Total brain burp." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "I'm no MJ. I can do his dunk. From the free throw line." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Daaamn! Mad respect for my brotha!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say, and soon, I will say it in Chinese." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, well it's just really loud." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Okay. We'll keep that in mind. Alright, ladies, back to the game." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Do it!" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Jim! Come on in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're back in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Instead of a game, why don't we do an exhibition? I'd love to see that dunk of yours." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yeah, we'll set that up one day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Today. Now, maybe. 'Cause we have a hoop downstairs and a real ball, so you don't have to mime it." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yeah, I don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why not?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Only because no one has called NASA to request a liftoff. [laughter] Let's go downstairs! Okay? Let's do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Damn it, Dwight! Enough! Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper! [Dwight immediately gets up and walks out]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, a little about me. I respond to strong leadership." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, there you go." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Seems a little close, you sure that's the real foul line?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "15 feet from the baseline, so, you need me to move it in?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Nah, that's 15. Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "And uh, you know what, to make it interesting, Jordan, why don't you sit underneath the basket?" }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Yeah, come on. I'll dunk over you. Best seat in the house." }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "I don't, I don't think I can do that. I'm holding your jewelry." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Right. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Kevin, you do it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! Okay. [sits down in front of basket]" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Someone want to sit in Kevin's lap? Angela?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Oscar?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No thank you." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Okay, Jimmy, this is for you. Show you that anything is possible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fantastic." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "Alright?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "This is also for the troops. [backs up, bounces ball, starts running, jumps, lands in front of Kevin, jumps again, pulls himself up by the net, dunks ball, hangs on rim] Doctor is in! [hoop starts to fall] Ahhhh! [hoop crashes down on Deangelo]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[ambulance pulls away in parking lot] Now what?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Deangelo enters office in hospital gown with bandage on his head] Deangelo?" }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[speaking gibberish] Tablab." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, are you alright? Erin, will you call 911 please?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who should I say is calling?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Erin." }, { "character": "Deangelo", "line": "[lots of gibberish] says to bartender [lots more gibberish] Droswip. Droswip." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Droswip, yeah. I get it. Okay, we're gonna get you to the restroom." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We could get Deangelo flowers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's true." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and balloons? [all but Dwight raise their hands]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse? [Dwight raises his hand]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. Baskets have it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So as it turns out, unless you're a young child or a prison inmate, you don't need anyone supervising you. People just come in and do their work on their schedule. Imagine that - people like us allowed to sell paper. Unsupervised. [Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, and Oscar are working while Andy and Ryan play on a foosball table] And yet, somehow it works. It must be because the stakes are so high." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Well, I really appreciate the offer, but I'm just happy the way things are. Okay. Thank you. [to Pam] That was Jo, asking me if I wanted to take over as acting manager while they find a replacement. I told her... I don't want to mess this up, right? There's a consensus, people are happy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] Dwight Schrute. Yes, I would. Thank you. [hangs up] Jordan, gather my things from my desk. [Dwight walks to the manager's office, rubs the door frame, sits at the desk reverently]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What have you done?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] Mose... you'll never guess where I am right now." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "[on phone] Aaaaahhhhh!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can't stay there all day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm coming." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do I at least get to go with you in this fantasy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You'd slow me down." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No. A week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. [Jim puts a pencil into the time clock and pulls it out broken in half] We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now Junior Employee. Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop stalling! Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation..." }, { "character": "All but Oscar", "line": "...under God..." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "...indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. [Kevin finishes behind the rest of the group]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Amen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent. Morning announcements! There's been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and you only, okay? Don't share it. [Kevin looks exasperated] Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ooh, about what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's on a need-to-know basis." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I thought I needed to know for your calendar." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[quietly] General meet-and-greet. So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Question, if we already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Define foment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You define foment." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clears throat] Please take note of the new color-coding system." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[surprising Kelly] Aha!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, what is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gotcha! Why are you late?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area. [Dwight points to her legs and slowly moves his finger up, stopping at her mid-section]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh! Darryl's funny." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know, right?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey, Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Can I talk to you a second about these client memos?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure. What's going on? [in room with Gabe]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Are you still in love with Erin?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Because I am. I need to get her back. [crying] I can't be alone anymore. Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, this is horrifying." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No. I don't like being alone with me either, okay? I have to get her back. Are you still gonna date her?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're just friends, okay?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Do you promise that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No, just give me a second. I don't want anyone to know I've been crying." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[seeing the Join the Fist flyers that Jim is hanging] Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's the Fist?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, it's just a social club. You know, like the French Revolution, or the Black Panthers, or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking, you know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. Social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. [Darryl enters and brandishes his fist, Jim returns the gesture]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And we would love to have you. But not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything, but I have noted it. [Dwight tears the sign down, Jim hangs two signs in its place]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[inputting numbers into the copier and holding up the line] One..." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[refills his coffee near a sign that reads \"Honor System: $0.50\" with a camera pointed at it]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pam, I have to show you this video. You're gonna love it. It's Beyonce falling with a fart mixed in. [buzzer to indicate a blocked web site]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[looking at empty vending machine] No food now? Someone has to do something about Dwight!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "He put some snacks in the freezer for us." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You mean the frozen mice for the piranha?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No. The blueberry Slurpee pouch." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He means the ice pack." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[on phone] 2:00 should probably be okay. I can either take your number or - [Gabe ends the call]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm sorry. This can't wait." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's just gonna call back." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. Uh, uh, I sure as hell don't believe in God. [Erin and Angela both look taken aback]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[quietly] What?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Or maybe there's a God. I don't know. I mean, it's just not a guy with a long white beard. [Erin looks shocked] Or it could be. I mean, it's possible that that is exactly what - what God is. But for all of the disbelief [phone rings] I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum [phone continues ringing] out... there... uh, do we not have voicemail?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well... it's just... [ringing] it messes up my rhythm." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm taking a break from dating. Gabe was a great guy with so many wonderful qualities, but it was a challenge being touched by him." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim. The gun is a Beaumont-Adams. Jo collects them. I thought we could have some nice small talk about it. And the piranha's a rescue." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And the desk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek. Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I promise...d other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't make me fire you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You can't fire me. You're acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't make me pre-fire you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You wouldn't dare." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[quietly] If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, \"Well that's pretty premature to think,\" but I always say, it's better to be pre-pre-preprepared." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How you doing, Jordan?" }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "I'm good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everyone here thinks that you're a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks, which won't last long anyway. As your pale skin and severe bone structure imply, you'll age swiftly and poorly." }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Why are you telling me this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now I want you to find out what people are saying about me, things they don't want me to know abou-[Dwight opens a box and sits down in shock] Ohh... it's a holster." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking around the office with the holster around his waist] Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Lookin' good. [grunts] Ohh... [stretching out his arms to better indicate the gun and holster] Oh, what a day. What a day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, are you carrying a gun?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. Um, I don't know. I guess he's saying that he's proud of me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, guns make me really uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The gun is just an accessory to the holster, okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why do you need to wear the holster at all?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You could put your cell phone in it instead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh... hello! [indicates his phone clipped onto his belt]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You could put a banana in it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why would I put a banana in my holster?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "In case you weren't hungry now, but you got hungry later." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, no gun, okay? Don't make us call Jo." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah! [Dwight goes to flip the gun and it fires near Andy's ear, making everyone jump]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aah! Aah! It's so loud!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[trying to find a pitch] Eeeeeeee... There's like this crazy ringing going on. I can't - eeeeeee... I can't find perfect C." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Okay, everyone make a list of what's lost for the insurance. I lost a necklace, a ring, a painting-" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, what happened?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[scatting off-key] Something's definitely wrong." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[buzzer to indicate a blocked site] Firewall." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I can't reach Jo. She must already be on the plane." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, why are you calling Jo?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think I should go the hospital." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'll go with you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No! We really shouldn't be without a receptionist. Now more than ever." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll take him." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you, Darryl. [Andy limps out of his chair and leans on Darryl for support]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's my ear." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, sorry." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[excitedly] Oh, I should get the accident report binder. I've never used the gun violence forms before." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm gonna keep trying Jo." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, everyone! Conference room, right now!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[enters with a cowboy hat, speaking with a Western accent] Yee-haw! Whoo-hoo! [imitates gunfire] Howdy, partners! It's me, Gun-Safety Dwight! And I'm the rootin'-est-- [removes hat] I can't do this. Um, look. Obviously, a gun went off under my watch, and I'm launching a full investigation." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We all saw you do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andy's tie look like?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Navy blue. Little red anchors." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have no way of knowing if that's true." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? [all raise their hands]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, really?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Would you consider this a terrorist incident?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I felt terrorized." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, there's a whole 'nother terrorism booklet for that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just really, really think we should handle this internally." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. [Erin gasps] We're back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There he is! Our hero! [Both Dwight and Erin move to hug Andy] You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How's your hearing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I was talking like this. [mouths words while pointing to his ear] I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "American Idol? What? No." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[singing] Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay, well, then I want an extra vacation day." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pet Day! I want Pet Day back - no dogs." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I put everything back in the vending machine." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, is it my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... you know what? I think I'm good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in \"Shagadelic, baby,\" at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough can you do jazz hands?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's jazz hands?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[quickly shakes his hands back and forth]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[leaves the men's room with an empty fish tank after flushing the toilet]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[after entering the men's room] What the [bleep] is that? [runs out of the bathroom] Oh, my..." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "Hey, all! Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on. Jim Halpert - the only man that ever turned me down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I don't know about that. Just wasn't for me. But let me assure you, Dwight is firing on all cylinders. Right?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, some pretty big shoes to fill. I was sorry to hear about Deangelo. He was a good man. Tragic. [Jim coughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[does jazz hands, Jo notices and eyes him oddly] Well, what can you do? Life." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We have to clean this up now!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "She had so much -" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey, guys." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hope I'm not interrupting anything." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No! [Erin and Andy laugh]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did I say that earlier? Yes, I did. Because you, Gabe, were crying..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No, I was not." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oscar, can you print out last year's sale statements?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Dwight, gimme a back massage." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Kevin, come on." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "My back is sore, Dwight. Massage it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin, not now." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Jo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, okay. Shh! [Dwight begins rubbing his shoulders]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, under the jacket." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're kidding me. [reaches under Kevin's jacket] Oh God, what am I touching? It's moist." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't feel anything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it's so wet." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Push harder, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't. I can't push harder!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Go a little higher. There you go. Nope, higher. Higher. [Dwight has positioned his feet on the filing cabinet behind Kevin and is kneading his back horizontally]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, how's that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Knead it. Knead it like a pizza." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm kneading it!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Don't eat it." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse -" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same - you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I take full responsibility." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Who else would be responsible?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam made me put a banana in my holster." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You shot a gun off -" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I love you, Dwight. But you don't fit this job." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the verge of tears] Jo, please... I will -" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "No, child. No. It's over. Now I gotta find a replacement for my replacement." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "You three are my search committee. You're in charge of finding me my next manager. All righty?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Till then, we need a new acting manager. Now, who's got the most experience in this office?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, well, we probably don't want to go just on seniority." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Who is it?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Dwight. What's up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shut up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you do know that Jo was right to take the job away from you, right? There's no debating that. But, I will say... in your one week, every single one of the orders went out on time. And I think that is shagadelic, baby. [Dwight sees Creed claiming the desk in the manager's office]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[giving Kevin numbers for the copier] Four, one, seven, one..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Another one?" }, { "character": "Darryl & Angela", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Seven, two..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Could you turn the volume down on the beeping?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Six, nine, shut up, Oscar. Eight..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nine first." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nine, eight, five..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Three, zero, zero. Again, zero. Four, six..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Two, one..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I hit three. I hit three." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "God!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[drives up to the entrance of the building, his license plate reads \"NEW MGR\"] It's a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin, or as I like to call it, Great Bratton. [gets out of car, tosses his keys toward a nonexistent valet parker] Keep it running." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Do I love being manager?... I love my kids. I love real estate. [slowly getting more excited] I love ceramics. I love my job. I-I love wrestling." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[to Jordan] Find out what language this is. [speaking in strange language]" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[running a meeting in the conference room] Okay, team building! On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy, [camera switches to show only Meredith and Kevin have attended the meeting, Jim walks by and sees this] and this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "He never called a meeting." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[pointing at a whiteboard with BOBODDY written on the left side, vertically] BO-BODDY! BO-BODDY. What does the first \"B\" stand for?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are we doing?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "We're making acronyms. Okay! What does the first \"B\" stand for?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Um... Business!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I like it! Business! Good, Kevin! [writes after the first B, I, Z, N, U...] All right! The \"O\"..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We need a new manager." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[conducting interview] Your paper experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here?" }, { "character": "Fred Henry", "line": "Absolutely--I, yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your profits." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Fred", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[waiting for Fred to continue] ...What is it?" }, { "character": "Fred", "line": "Nice try." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm sorry, what is your three-step plan?" }, { "character": "Fred", "line": "Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you'll get the plan." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well... it's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan." }, { "character": "Fred", "line": "[speaking faster] Well, I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it. You're in paper, right?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "How would we know that, if you don't..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You could just be saying it to get the job." }, { "character": "Fred", "line": "I guess I could be, if I was... who would do that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How about this. Why don't you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it." }, { "character": "Fred", "line": "Tell you what. I'll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Fred", "line": "Color-code sent documents, TM." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you just trademark that..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[confused] W-What?" }, { "character": "Fred", "line": "That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by our CEO, and tasked to find this branch's new manager. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? [Andy, Kelly, and Darryl are each dressed up in suits for their interviews, Andy is also wearing an \"Andy for Manager?\" pin on his jacket] And, to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house, so, I'm not too worried. But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe. [quietly] Did you know that Gabe's last name was Lewis? I had no idea." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[in elevator with Phyllis and Darryl, all three are smiling, to Darryl] Good morning." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[also to Darryl] Good morning." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Did you have a nice drive in?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I did." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I have a solid relationship with Jo, the company's owner. I have management experience. I have a good friendship with Jim, the head of the Search Committee, and it doesn't hurt that I'm... [in Oprah-like sing-song voice] bla-aaack!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[puts up a poster in the break room with \"IF YOU ARE ON THE SEARCH COMMITTEE PLEASE CONSIDER ANDY\" on it in bold lettering]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[commenting on the poster] It's good. I really hope you get it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The manager job? Nah, I'm barely interested. I just can't not go for it. You know, it's not the Bernard way. We give it the old college try, and then, in defeat, we show grace." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Still, I'd really like to see this office with you in the boss's chair." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don't even... [getting really happy and excited] EEEHHHH!!!!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You in the boss's chair!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "EEEHHH!! No. Hehe." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don't know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and... [awkwardly smiling] we'll see what Rosa comes back with." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[checks to see that she is alone with Phyllis] Did you hear anything?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I'm sure they'll let us know when they get the results. [Erin crosses fingers and smiles excitedly]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It turns out that Erin was born in the basic time and region that I gave away a child." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So, Phyllis might be my mom. I mean, the chances are tiny, but..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But, probably not, I mean, it was a big year for babies. Porky's had come out." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. I'm sure I was just another Porky's baby." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mm." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But why not find out." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Dwight, who is reading the want ads] Should you really be so blatant about that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They won't make me manager, and I won't settle for anything less. I've gone about as far as I can here. That's obvious. Time to take my talents elsewhere." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you really going to apply for work at Scranton Breadworks?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it." } ], [ { "character": "Warren Buffett", "line": "Can you do any better on salary?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate." }, { "character": "Warren", "line": "What about mileage when I use my car? I mean, gas ain't cheap, you know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous." }, { "character": "Warren", "line": "How about 27? And uh, when I make long-distance calls, will they be monitored or is it on the honor system?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[on phone] Okay. [hangs up, smiling] How odd, a very unusual phone call from the Senator's office. The Senator wants me to have lunch with him at The Botanical Gardens." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The Botanical Gardens, Scranton's hidden gem. Don't eat any berries you don't recognize." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You don't work in sales, do you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh... Human Resources." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only... sex. Everything... is sex. You understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth,... Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, I-I am, I'm almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this, then Gabe stops chuckling] Do you, um, do you think that you are?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can you... [seems intimidated, clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence... would be... in a dialogue with a subordinate?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? You can answer me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object... whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we've had already, you won't be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[more emphatically than Jim] Yes. You do. [nods at the Search Committee, then looks over at the camera with a smirk on his face]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Robert leaves the conference room and looks at the others in the office as he grins at the camera and leaves] He creeps me out. [Toby nods] But, I think he might be a genius." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Jim points at Darryl to be the next interviewee] Good luck, Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[pats Andy on the back] Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Think about it! What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal? I mean, you don't see a bear drinking raccoon milk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim and Gabe laugh, Toby smiles and nods] Oh." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So this is cool. I think we make a good fit. [stands up]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh? Uh... we haven't started the interview yet. Were you--were you joking?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh... [looks at camera] yes?! I was. [sits back down] Little joke!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "So, how would you go about settling interpersonal conflicts within the office?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I thought that was your job." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, it's one of my strengths, but it's the manager's job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, for instance, how did you deal with it when two warehouse guys got into a fight?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll answer that, Jim. I would use it as an opportunity to teach, uh, about actions... and consequences... of actions. [Jim and Gabe stare at Darryl]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[noticing Erin in the background leading a black man dressed in a suit through the office] Who's that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[ignoring Darryl's question] So I think all we need is a resume, and we'll be good right?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I... I just thought you knew me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, it's no big deal, just something that looks like that. [shows Darryl a resume] Cool? [goes to put the resume away]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Let me... [Jim shows him the resume again, Darryl looks at it a little longer this time] Oh. Cool. [Jim gives Darryl a thumbs-up, then looks at the camera as Darryl gets up to leave]" } ], [ { "character": "Merv Bronte", "line": "[at the cafe on the first floor] Did, uh, you just interview?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ohh, unfortunately, yes." }, { "character": "Merv", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "That business can't attract anyone. It's awful up there. Those people seem like they're in prison, waiting out life sentences in a... dying industry." }, { "character": "Merv", "line": "Place must be horrible. I don't know if I want this job. [gets on elevator]" } ], [ { "character": "Merv", "line": "[in elevator] Well, if I get this job offer, and then I know that I'm gonna take it, and if I take it, I know that I'm never gonna quit, and then 25 years are gonna go by and... I'm gonna die here." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? [Robert stares at Dwight] What are you doing..? [Dwight sits up abruptly] Stop trying to figure me out." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I just did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It's done." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's not." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I know you now, your nature. I'm done. Not worth continuing. [at the same time, Dwight says: You don't know me! Anything about me! Get out of my head!]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop trying to figure me out. [Robert turns to ignore Dwight] Do you even know anything about paper? How it's made?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street. [nods at Dwight mockingly]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[standing up] Get out." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No? That's because I just threw it in the ring." } ], [ { "character": "Merv", "line": "You guys pay for relocation, though, right?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, why would you need relocation, if you already live in Scranton?" }, { "character": "Merv", "line": "Well, I'd want to move further away, you know? Just... I don't want any chance to run into my co-workers outside the office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I ask why you're leaving your current job?" }, { "character": "Merv", "line": "[pulls out a tupperware from his briefcase and takes out a tupperware] I'm leaving my other job because they were all jerks, really. [opens tupperware] You know, all of 'em. You had your jerk-wads, and your jerk-offs, so, just between the wads and the offs, I just... I had to get outta there. [begins eating sandwich]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is this a bad time to be doing this?" }, { "character": "Merv", "line": "I'm having a bad time. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm sorry, if we did something to upset you, I'm sure it was inadvertent." }, { "character": "Merv", "line": "[continues to chew, slower and slower, appears confused] Wait." } ], [ { "character": "Merv", "line": "Oh, why did I believe that weirdo in the lobby? These are the nicest people I ever met." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[limo driver lets Angela out of the limo at the office parking lot] Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looking at an engagement ring on Angela's finger] It's gorgeous, Angela." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, I actually know about nice rings and it is gorgeous." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[looks at ring, whispering] Wow..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's a little flashy. I mean, what am I? Naomi Judd?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Tell us the freaking story!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah! Tell us a story." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay. He took me to the replica of Monet's Japanese bridge, and then he put this flower behind my ear, which normally, I would hate, 'cause it's so civil rightsy. Then he got down on one knee, and he said, will you be a Senator's wife?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughing] Oh-ho-ho! He talked about himself in the third person?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, Pam. Not everyone is as informal as you and Jim. [imitating Jim's voice] Oh, hey Pam, dude, whatever, wanna marry me? [Erin, Kelly, and Meredith laugh]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's not accurate." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Then I saw flashes. Reporters were there. They always find us. And everyone was crying, even his aide. [camera pans and shows Oscar in disbelief]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, [smiles] I'm a little excited. [expression becomes serious again] But overall, horrified." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy? You all set?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, guys, it's time. It's pep talk time. Tell me what I need to hear." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Are you sure this is a good idea? I hate to see you disappointed." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[grunts] Augh." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I think Andy should be the boss. He's just so great. If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here... [gets cut off by Gabe]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Whoa! That's a very heavy accusation to level against Toby." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wasn't acc-, accusing..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, Toby's in charge of Human Resources, that would include communication. I think that Toby's done a fine job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right! I really wasn't trying to insult any, anyone." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I didn't think you were." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship, and I have a professional relationship. Personally, yeah, I think he's a rat, and I think he's responsible for the demise of my relationship with Erin. Professionally,... he broke up the happiest couple in this office!" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "How many windows are there in New York City?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Critical thinking. Common, on-the-spot question asked in an interview." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay. Let me think... are you counting car windows?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No... How far away is the Sun?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[happily] Uh, 93 million miles." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Gabe] Is it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles, which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth, and... [Gabe looks visibily annoyed] 333,000 times heavier than the Earth,..." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Shut up about the Sun! SHUT UP about the SUN! [slams fist, hurting his hand]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[alone in his car] I am unhappy with the confusing and, at times, confrontational nature of that meeting. I wanted it to go better. I WANTED IT TO GO BETTER!!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[on phone] Yes, there used to be a paper clip that would pop up and say \"Looks like you are writing a letter or resume. Would you like help? I believe his name was... [looks embarrassed at camera] Clippy." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[on phone] First of all, I want to thank you for your years of patronizing our company. I've got some bad news. We're going out of business. [covers phone, whispers to Pam] Saving face. [uncovers phone] Yep, yep. I understand that. Basically everything is falling apart here. Pam looks around the office and realizes only she has overheard this]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "How is this on me?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hang up. [Creed hangs up] Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture. [shows Creed two similar-looking photos of some building] Intel has told us there were at least seven." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[takes the pictures] Okay I already see one, gimme. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're the same picture." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, god, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Your department's just you, right?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Great! [to Jim and Toby] Um, can we just... [does a \"wrap it up\" motion with his pen]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so... [nods]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[getting upset] Am I not a serious candidate?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from England. [to Jim and Toby] Are we all just gonna pretend to-- okay. [to Kelly] Um, what are your weaknesses?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't have any, assh***." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[comes in, slapping some papers on the table] I want an interview." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking with Jim in the parking lot] How's the family?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. They good?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's your daughter's name again? Peepee?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Peepa." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Peepa, how is she?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great! Oh, that's great... We never were very good at small talk, were we, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now, listen,..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not getting an interview, Dwight. The whole point of this Search Committee process is to prevent hiring someone like you ever again." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I know why you're saying that, Jim, I really do, but think of it this way. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat [motions to grip Jim's throat] is the strong hand you want on the wheel." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[pulls Dwight's arm down] Okay. That's vivid." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview, I will guarantee you your dream work life. Okay? You roll in at 10 a.m. to your own private reserved parking spot, pick up your daily free coffee from Dwight's Caffeine Corner, unlimited sex breaks for you and Pam..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yikes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you know how I like taking bribes. [both smile]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha ha! [pats Jim on the back]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Unfortunately, Jo also took the job away from you because she doesn't trust your judgment. So how would that look for me, if I recommended you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine. I'll do it without you, but you'll regret this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me get that for you. [runs ahead to open the door for Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. [looks ashamed]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam... I think Robert is gay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The Senator? [Oscar nods] He was married before, and he has a kid." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[whispers] So!?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And don't say that thing about how lots of gay guys have kids." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I have a very strong suspicion." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you see him at a bathhouse?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What bathhouse?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[confused, whispers] What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Forget it. I'm never gonna know what goes on there." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "My friend at the Scranton Blade is totally plugged into these matters." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're in the gay mafia." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're thinking of another group. Much wealthier, much older. [whispers, smiles] You sound ignorant." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You guys, um, talking Senator?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No. Why would we be talking about the Senator?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "'Cause he's totally gay? [walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, how do I know that Robert is gay? He \"liked\" my facebook photos at 3 o'clock in the morning." } ], [ { "character": "David Brent", "line": "[on video resume on a laptop] Name? David Brent. Occupation? Inspirer. Status? None of your business. Young, free, and single, though. Thanks for asking. Hear you're looking for a new boss. Yeah? Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, underencouraged drones what to do every day. Is that it? Oh. Our out-of-touch powers that be? Want me to fire them, if they don't see things your way? Then I ain't that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law. What? You've changed your mind? You're now looking for a leader of men? Ipso facto, women too. [points at self] When do I start? Yeah. [Jim looks uninterested in this candidate]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Do you know what it took to get Bob to notice me? I waited in his office every morning wearing nothing but kitty-cat ears. I did that every day for two weeks. And on the tenth day he walked in, he was naked too, except a dog nose. Guess what we did then?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[trying to cut off Phyllis] I... I don't think I can do that." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Bestiality. Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, that's not my personality." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "If my daughter were asking me... [both giggle]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I would say, if you want someone, if you really want them,... go get them." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I do really want him." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So, uh... here you go. [gives resume to Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hope it's all right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sure it's fine." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The guy who was in here earlier, interviewed after me, how'd he do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Howard Cline?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ehh, that's not who I'm talking about." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[checks sheet] Oh... Deshaun Williams." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes. How did he do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's an amazing man. He's a Rhodes Scholar. He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Come on man. I'm being serious. Don't joke." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Darryl! We all know you. Your interview is not nearly as important as the other guys. [Darryl taps a couple times on Jim's desk and walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "First, I'll take down the cubicle walls." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "But there aren't..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "A little un-specific." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Everyone would be known for their accomplishments." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them. [overlapping comments by the Search Committee] At least once a month, the lowest performing person... [does a cut-throat hand gesture] bye bye!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "By splitting the difference. Just... just, somewhere in the middle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think that's probably all we need to hear from..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's very..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You've got a Thai woman, out in the back. Sockee! Sockee!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, that's not gonna be..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Sockee!... is her name. Okay? Shes administering massage, all right, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you...you are cracking to go. [smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is there a front runner?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, there must be someone who stands out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, not at all. In fact, I'm not even taking it seriously. I think at the end of the day, I'm just gonna pick a name out of the hat." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "The hell you will! I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[in mock seriousness] Oh no, Stanley... you'll live forever..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "My next boss will be my last boss. He'll be at my funeral. So I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously. [dunks his half-eaten donut in Jim's coffee, takes it back out, and leaves]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh--" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You pick a crappy boss, you're responsible for my crappy life. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, everybody, I was just making a joke. I am taking it seriously, I promise." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you? [leaves]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Little advice? Take a day off from the whole Jim schtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels... James. [closes his office door, leaving Jim alone in the break room]" } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "[walks in with her dogs] Gabe, honey! Oh, lord. Take all this. [gives the dog leashes and multiple bags to Gabe]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Here. Jim! Did you hear Stern this morning?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, was it good?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Ohh, Robin was good. She's always good. Keeps him on his toes. Its Howard's show though. [picks up resume from Jim's desk] Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Ohh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... a little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory. 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Paper material, ma'am." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Paper material?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[softly] Pieces of paper. [Jo rolls her eyes]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clears throat] Jo, may I speak to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Or what? You gonna shoot me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh, I enjoy laughing at my mistakes, because I've learned so much from them. I'd like to be interviewed for the position." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I'll interview you right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Question 1. Ever shot a gun in the office?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's complicated." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Yeah, but see... it's not." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't think we should tell her. Angela went a whole day without telling me I had lettuce in my teeth. Screw her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm a woman. I would want to know." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, you gotta know." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, but if Angela can get a gay man to marry her, maybe I could get a lesbian to marry me? Huh? Huh? That's hot." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You have met a lesbian in real life, right?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You know, this is probably is her last chance at a family." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She does seem happy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're right. You're right. She seems happy. We don't tell her." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We don't tell her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Excuse me, Ms. Bennett, may I have a word?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Uh,... can it be in private? [to Gabe] Don't worry, it's not about you. [Gabe smiles and leaves] As Minority Executive, I think it's my responsibility to let you know that Gabe is gross. I don't think it's professional that he was sleeping with the receptionist, and then when Erin dumped him, so that she could be with Andy, he became a total crazy stalker psycho." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Welcome to Scranton, Jo. Land of a thousand problems only you can fix. [Jo's phone starts vibrating, she picks it up and sees Dwight has texted her \"Dwight's ability as a manager has lead him to higher levels of proffesional success,\"] Oh for god's sake. He's texting me his resume one line at a time. These are costing me ten cents a piece, you jackass! I'm roaming!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[to Jordan] Get me our biggest client on the phone, right this instant. [closes his office door]" }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "Who is our biggest client?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, just put him through to me." }, { "character": "Jordan", "line": "[laughs] Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello! This is... the client." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps, you in?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hehehe, cool. Let's keep this on the QT, okay? I uh, I don't want you to be a dead mamma jamma." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "All right, thank you, bye-bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you, bye-bye." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[knocks and enters] Jo, you have one more candidate. He's a burn victim." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[motions toward her face] He's all messed up. I can tell him to get lost if you want." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "No, send him in. [to Search Committee] Who is this?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I have no idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[seeing Dwight wearing sunglasses and whose face and hands are completely covered in gauze] Oh, I know this guy. [Dwight awkwardly hands copies of his resume to the Search Committee] Hello! Mr. \"Soo-ven-yay.\" Mr. \"Jacques Soo-ven-yay.\" Nice to meet you. It says here you're French. [Dwight nods] So you worked at your last job for 15 years as Assistant to the Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[mumbling through the gauze] Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Assistant to the Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[again] Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in a cheesy French accent] Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that's my mistake, sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper? That's a travesty." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "I want to talk to Dwight Schrute for a second. I want to ask him a question. [Gabe gets up to leave] If he isn't here in sixty seconds..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uhh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo... [takes off sunglasses and reveals his face] It's me. I'm Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looks extremely confused] No. No! Wait, but, I mean, you're Dwight, and then... he's the... [trails off]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispers] Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looks astonished] Ohhhh!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Very unprofessional, \"Jacques.\" Or, should I say, Dwight." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Let's just say I had hired this Jack Souvenir. Then what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would have dressed this way every day, legally changed my name, learned French sign language, shown up, and been the best damn branch manager you'd ever seen!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "All that for this job." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "That's f***ing crazy. [Jo and Dwight both smile] Get outta here. [Dwight leaves] What a nutjob." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "This guy was good. Although, he did keep saying that he needed two weeks off right at the beginning for a trip to the finger lakes. Seriously. Every five minutes, he was like, \"just making sure the finger lakes thing is clear.\"" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Okay, it's fun to talk about the rejects, but uh, who's got ya excited?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Finger Lakes guy is good. Darryl is also very good." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Who's this fella? Went to Cornell. What's wrong with him?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "How much time do you have? Sales ability? None. Integrity? See sales ability. [makes a \"zero\" hand gesture]" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "And that's your unbiased opinion." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yes, it is." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "So it's not relevant that he took the receptionist away from you?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, Jo. Jo, I'm disappointed in you. Some people let personal things into the workpl-. Is she with him? Because I thought that she was..." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Gabe...ugh... you got all close to these people. Got involved in their lives. Let's get you back to Florida. We'll figure out something for you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "That sounds like a promotion!" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "It's not. Let's get Kelly in here to take his place." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... why Kelly?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "'Cause Gabe's tall and weak. She's short and strong. I'm doing an opposites thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jo", "line": "How'd my girl Nellie do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I didn't know you knew her?" }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "She didn't mention it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Integrity move. I like it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, she also gave me a reason to think that maybe she wasn't a good fit." }, { "character": "Jo", "line": "Well, I'm not saying you must hire her. If you find someone who's clearly a fit, then fine. Just make sure they fit real good. No more manager turnover. Don't mess this up, Jim. And give Dwight an interview. I like a little bit of crazy." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[hiding under desk, raises a sock puppet up, talking in high-pitched voice] Ahh!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Erin, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I've been turned into a puppet!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[giggling, walks to Erin's desk] Look at the puppet! Hi, puppet! Who are you?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I went to drop off the FedEx forms and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[giggles] Yeah. Low blow, puppet." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And there's only one thing that can change me back into a real girl." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's good. It's just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet. Not for me... but, if any kids are watching... A, B, and so forth. You know,... M-N-L-O, P... F..." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[as sock puppet] I need the most special thing in the office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Silence?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "A date with the best salesman... Andy Bernard! [Andy walks over to Erin's desk]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[gets up] Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where'd you learn how to puppet like that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[shrugs] I've done it all my life." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Listen, I'm really flattered, but I don't think we should." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin's my best friend in this office, hands down, but... when she asked me out, I just didn't have that feeling, you know? [clip jumps ahead] Aren't there some things that you really want to like, but you just can't... seem to like it, like, Mad Men... or football... [clips jumps ahead] Let's not forget, Erin chose Gabe over me. That happened. I'm not going to apologize for getting over her, okay? I'm sorry. [clip jumps ahead] I would go for someone who's more... she's great, though." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[loudly] Stanley, I won't be able to invite everyone to the wedding, because we want to keep it to 350." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'll get over it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I mean, we just have to see how many Senators and members of Congress want to attend, before we can open it up to regular people. Pam, you know how you and Jim did your ironic wedding? [Pam looks confused] Do you still have the plans for the dream wedding that you couldn't afford?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That was our dream wedding." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Niagara Falls? Pregnant? That was your dream? Pork medallions?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looks over at Oscar, who is quietly watching this happen] I hope... you have a very beautiful wedding, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Name." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you, Mr. Schnoot. [closes his binder] We will let you know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have to interview me..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just did. The answer to that one question told me everything I need to know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I demand more questions!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[ignoring Dwight] All right, guys, good day, a lot of candidates. Let's discuss." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay! If you're not going to interview me, then I'll do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety, profits, fostering a community of self-reliance and entrepreneurship, listening, respect for human life, bolstering our public image, and... [chuckles] getting everyone home on time. Dwight, let me be frank. In an accident that no one can blame you for, an antique gun was discharged while you were acting manager. How are we ever to trust you again? [whispering] That's a great question. [Jim nods] I am going to institute a strict no-firearms policy for this office that extends to myself as well. Wow. All of my concerns are disappearing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. [clears throat and gets up] You'll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute, and I think you're gonna like the call you're going to receive. [smiles] Oh, come on. I'm just happy that I got this meeting. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, that was quick." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[sighs] Very, very interesting. And you know what? I'm impressed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's not a real candidate." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know, Jim, 'cause, makes me think about something my grandfather used to say, which is that, sometimes, the hand that jumps out of the grave and grabs you around the throat; that is the hand that you want on the wheel." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You took the deal." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, it was a great deal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not okay." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know. Dwight seems like a great leader to me, and I look forward to the personal perks that he promised me privately. What do you think, Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, we could try him out for a little while... [Jim drops his pen, looks exasperated] and if it doesn't work out, you know, maybe one of us could, you know, step in..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is happening right now?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Is it true that you're making Dwight the manager?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, why would you think that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He and Kelly said, then they pre-fired me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. [walks out of conference room] Okay, guys, just so you all know, no decision has been made, and Dwight is definitely not the boss." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That is correct. Actually, Dwight is not the manager yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no. Not ever, 'cause that's not gonna happen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, it's not entirely up to you, is it? Seems to me like someone's getting a little power-mad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Am I the only one who remembers what he did when he was in charge? I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna... You're completely sane." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who do you like for the job? Is there anyone who maybe was a little underwhelming at first, but now seems like a safe, if not slightly unexciting, choice?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, seems like everybody has an opinion. So, who else? Anybody?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do you mean it? Anybody? Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[while sighing] I suppose I am." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay... well what do 'I' want in a manager?... let me see. [walks slowly across the office] what do 'I' want?..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't think he meant, that--" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So now anyone gets to talk at any times?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Go ahead." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What do 'I' want?... I'm looking for someone... who... [smiles] Everyone is listening to me. [Dwight looks at the camera, annoyed]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can I say...?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think it should be Darryl." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What a surprise! Minorities sticking together." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kelly's on your side." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm sorry, is that all you think of me? A minority? I am so much more than that. I am a dancer, I'm a singer, I'm a fashion designer." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoever it is, I think they should be lame. [Stanley shakes his head and rolls his eyes] Kind a a non-threatening, moderate personality." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I want an outsider." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really-" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, I mean an outsider. Like someone on the margins of society, who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A homeless person. Really? A homeless person." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, you're right, Pam, let's just leave him to the welfare system and let that handle it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I want you to say that you think the 'best' person to be our new manager is a homeless person." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Let me guess who you want, Pam. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I got away with... everything, under the last boss, and it wasn't good for me, at all. So, I want guidance. I want leadership. But don't just, like, boss me around, you know? Like, lead me. Lead me... when I'm in the mood... to be led." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I just want, for once, a smart, professional, decisive, well-hung man in his forties." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! Hey! Hey!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Okay, fine. Uhh, the guy with a tiny penis. Are you happy? [sarcastically] Let's hire that guy! [Jim looks speechless]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She may have a point there... would a small penis work? Small-to-moderate." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[walks in] Gotta catch a plane." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ohh, hey Gabe, I'm sorry, we... we didn't get you a cake or anything. We're gonna miss you." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, well I'm still the corporate liaison to the branch." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You are not leaving without giving me a hug. [hugs Gabe] Ughh." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, you know what, you don't need to make that sound." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm sorry! You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "There are plenty of people who love touching me. [camera zooms to Ryan, who looks at the camera, extremely skeptical] I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they want to do. I will see you all soon." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Later, man." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[various] Good luck! Goodbye! Good luck at your new job." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Take care, man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We're gonna miss you, Gabe. [Gabe leaves]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[stands up] Uh, listen up. Listen up, ladies. I want the job. There, I said it. I'm educated. I'm capable. I like all of you... and I won't make any changes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I see it. [nods and smiles] I see it like I see a mountain that I'm standing in front of [voice cracks] and facing, and I'm like..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah. [Oscar looks confused] Yeah, Andy would be wonderful as boss. Erin made a good point. [brushes Erin's hair with her hand]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, we're not related. I got the call. But... I'll tell her some other day. [smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What about Darryl? We can all agree that he's a stand-up guy, right?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, let me be clear. I only speak for myself, and not myself and the Senator. I think we have some wonderful candidates, and there's a great, lively debate here, but let's think about-" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, no,... no. Sorry. We cut Kevin off for the same thing. You have to have something to say, if you talk. [Angela rolls her eyes and stops talking]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[enters the office with his daughter, who runs in and hugs Jim] Jada, no, no, no, Jada, what are you doing? [Jim looks knowingly at the camera] Oh. So sorry, guys. I hope my family didn't disrupt your meeting." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "Daddy, are these the people who are making you manager?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[sighs] Maybe, sweetheart. Single dad. Challenges." }, { "character": "Jada", "line": "I don't know if he'd be a good manager [Jim shakes his head and looks wide-eyed at Darryl], but he's a really great dad!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Okay, shush it. This was a mistake. Let's go. [Darryl and Jada leave, Ryan slowly shakes his head]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It seems like we all know enough to vote. Should we just vote now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? No, no, it's not a vote." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Then what was this all about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. This conversation really got away from me." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't care. They can just vote." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, they can't. That's not how this is gonna work. [exhales] We're going in this room, we're going to have a meeting. We're gonna make a recommendation to Jo, and she's gonna give you her recommendation on Monday. Okay? [to Kelly and Toby, as they re-enter the conference room] What the hell happened out there? [Kevin tries to follow, but the door is closed on him]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sometimes you hear about people failing upwards. I think I'm about to do that." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "This job? Oh, yeah, I'll get it. Jo's an old friend. I think... I'm her best friend. She's not my best friend." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Every day I have a blueberry muffin. Today, I did not have a blueberry muffin. Should have had the blueberry muffin... especially considering how incredibly superstitious I am." } ], [ { "character": "Fred", "line": "No, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I will be the new boss of... [looks back to glance at lobby directory] Vance Refrigeration." } ], [ { "character": "Merv", "line": "Honestly, I think I... I sabotaged myself. It's like I'm afraid of being happy. Case in point... I was supposed to start another job today." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[chuckles] I will get offered the job. That's a... call I've received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause... while they wait to hear my response, and then... my response." } ], [ { "character": "Finger Lakes Guy", "line": "[geeky voice] I want the job. I really do. It's just, the rest of my family's in the Finger Lakes right now. I'm supposed to be in the Finger Lakes right now. I told them I was on a hike; snuck away to do this interview. I gotta get back pretty soon; they'll worry. People disappear in the Finger Lakes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch, or... [shrugs] I don't know. Something always works out. [leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "You remind me so much of my fourth-biggest client." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Is that right?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I think you two should meet." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, okay!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey Jordana! Patch my ninth- and fourth-biggest clients together. [Pam puts down phone and picks it back up]" }, { "character": "Pam as \"fourth-biggest client\"", "line": "[in a comedic male voice] Hello!" }, { "character": "Pam as \"ninth-biggest client\"", "line": "[in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Hello!" }, { "character": "Pam as \"fourth-biggest client\"", "line": "Hi, how are ya? [Erin looks amused, Stanley and Phyllis look at Pam, confused]" }, { "character": "Pam as \"ninth-biggest client\"", "line": "Ohho! I'm good! Don't you just love paper, and things about paper!" }, { "character": "Pam as \"fourth-biggest client\"", "line": "Hey, are you single? This seems like a love connection to me!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "It's Kismet!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, for God’s sake. [notices Erin planking on parking lot curb]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That’s it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don’t.  And I don’t.  But I am so excited to be a part of it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[exiting elevator] After you my good sir." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I insist." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I insist." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California… for the manager position. Who took one look around and left.  He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don’t really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.   And he chose…" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[drumroll with hands] I… it’s unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice’s first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, “I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer.” Smart, right?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "(planking on top of cabinet] Very smart." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, this has got to stop." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I can’t get down." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "K... Kevin! [Kevin planking on Dwight’s desk]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I’ve got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I’ve added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I’m doin’ great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "K, I’m gonna need some help. Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don’t think I should." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah. Pregnant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right here. Little Michael Scott- [points to her belly]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I told you I don’t like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Look, it’s a ‘Little Pregs’ [points to her belly] and ‘Big Pregs’ [points to Pam’s]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, when did we start calling it that-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Isn’t it amazing, the difference in our sizes?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I am a few months ahead of you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hoist him aloft. C’mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl. [trying to lift Kevin off desk]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I’m lifting." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin’ much better. This soda. This is mine." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I’m telling someone how to do somethin’. I go on with a long description and then I say, “and shove it up your butt.” It’s stupid, but it’s my thing now." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "No one should be planking at all." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Say no more." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[starts attacking plankers] Kids, don’t try planking. It’s dangerous. [knocks Toby off table] ‘Specially with me around." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You watching that commercial again? [Pam nods] Why do you keep watching it, if you know it’s just gonna make you cry?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because everything makes me cry, so what’s the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He’s got a bank vault. That’s a start." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not enough though." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he’s gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it’s not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It’s strange." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Robert California. Let’s have a conversation." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Describe your day so far." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It’s a waste of your time. That’s how every day’s begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I’ve been doing this thing-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don’t know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. [motions her over, both looking at Robert’s notebook]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim. [motions him over]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[motions he is on the phone] Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. [comes over] Okay. [sees notebook with two lists of staff names] What is this?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What are your thoughts." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women’s soccer, no?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you looking at?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s, it’s nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It can’t be nothing." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, it can’t be nothing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "  It’s just a list of our names, split into two columns." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Okay. Um, I’ll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[throws hard, Jim doesn’t catch] Nice catch." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If he comes out, distract him. [takes list to copier]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We need a warning signal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We don’t need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I promise you, we don’t need a warning-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ahhh! [falls out of chair]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah. Yeah. Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "… 2, 3! [pulls Phyllis up]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thanks guys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, which side of the list am I on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Left." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why are you- How do you know?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert’s notebook." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He left it at reception and we photocopied it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, okay. I don’t want any part of this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe it’s a list of people he’s gonna fire." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, it’s not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here’s something. Who would eat who in an ‘Alive’ situation. No... that can’t be it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side’s the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t think it’s-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "‘Scuse me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shhh, Pam. C’mon, don’t be such a right-sider." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did you guys figure it out?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We couldn’t crack it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Go in there and just ask the man what it means." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He’ll know that we looked at his private notebook." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "C’mon, just say you saw the list by accident." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it’s starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, that’s all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day?" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[Andy continuously knocking on door] Yes, for god’s sake Andy. Yes, come in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What’s up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Great. Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And it was open. And people saw this. And they’re just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It’s a photocopy from your notebook." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ah, please. Here’s what it is. It’s a doodle." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don’t you think? Well, I doodle too, but I’m not an artist. So I draw words and lists." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Might as well have been sketching a cube." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay. Robert’s in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Maybe we’re s’posed to do it with people in our group." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s not it." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "People in the other group." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmum, still wrong." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add ‘em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I know! It’s alphabetical." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[separately] No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it’s not. Here’s how we find out. Let’s line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let’s just size each other up here and left side of the list… ATTACK!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! [Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Warning! Warning! Warning!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[enters room, everyone quiets and separates] I’d like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s great. Let’s do this guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, well, I will see you in a bit." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love you so much. [starting to cry]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. It’s nothing. Alright? I’ll text you when we get there. Let you know what’s going on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. [turns to computer]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. No dog video." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. See you guys." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uhhh, the street?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Sesame street." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I didn’t know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Elmo, god’s sake, it’s the Elmo era." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn’t you agree." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, she does like Elmo." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Completely." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Apt. Apt analysis, Robert." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I should not be here. I’m in the- I was in the wrong- I’m- I’m sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great group! Pizza party!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "How is this a pizza party?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, why don’t you ask me again when the five pizzas get here." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, well, that’s just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What’s that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That’s pizza." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That’s regular pizza." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[separately] Awww." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, what about the other guys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Losers." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "C’mon." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I don’t- I don’t wanna say-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "C’mon, c’mon." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "C’mon." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ha, I guess I think they’re losers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Probably shouldn’t have said that. [Jim’s jaw drops]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam’s phone vibrates] Oh, text from Jim. “This is getting very weird. Will explain later.”" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Everyone’s phone vibrates] Oh, text from Kevin." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "“Suck it losers.”" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn’t the fact that I’m in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, “Who’s that receptionist? I like her.” Now I’m just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you’re like, “Oh, loser.”" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "C’mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. Oh God." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[door opens, others enter] Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It was excellent." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Good times." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it’s over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I’m fine." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[spraying Meredith and Creed with water gun] Loser. Losers. [Dwight holding up “L” to his forehead]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[on the phone, while getting sprayed] Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It’ll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "When I was a salesman I could just be like “Not my job, not my prob. I’m going to the warehouse to polish my knob.” Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it’s really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let’s say top-tier and others would be second-tier." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I never said that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. Great.\nRobert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you’re talking about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I’m thinking of. Can you clarify that?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I’ll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you’re a winner. If I didn’t, I don’t. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Whew, well. I guess that’s that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. No, no." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, don’t go in there!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m going in there." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don’t know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I’m not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I’m not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don’t use ballpoint pens." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley... you may think he’s a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he’s hard to love, but did you know that he’s in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I did not know about the sales figures." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word “no” not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I’m being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, shut the door. This is just gross." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shhh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I like my new group. I liked my old group." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Are we done?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we’re gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, I do." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don’t care. [Robert smiles as Andy exits]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We get that every year." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, you got it this year too." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Good night, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Night." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good night Andy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good night." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Night." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, I’m gonna go warm up the car." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Oh, uh, you dropped something. Jim?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, I know I’ve been crying easily today, but- [shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, “Pam” and “Cece” on one side, “Everything else” on the other] I mean, that’s just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it’s stupid. No. [starts crying] It’s wonderful. I’m gonna frame it. I can always unframe it." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I gotta say, I think it's kinda cool not knowing. It's like one of those movies that ends on a note of mystery. Did the butler do it? Are they ghosts? You know? It's kinda sophisticated." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Everybody hates those endings!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[weepy] Yeah, I hate those endings." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I- [Sees Kevin looking at the list upside down and turns it.]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I was looking for patterns." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I know." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's all a mind game. He wanted us to see the list. He's a genius. You guys just don't get him." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I made a list like this for Congress when I worked in Hollywood in the 50's, they're meaningless." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Guys. Really, it's ok. Everyone has made a really solid first impression, I don't think there's any reason for anybody to worry." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I am on the wrong side, and I am freaking out here." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grunting, trying with Jim to lift Kevin planking on his desk] Man, it's like hoisting a manatee. I can't get a grip it's so vast." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ryan? A little help?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God. How do whalers do it?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Here's the way trends move across the country. They start in Japan. L.A. And New York get it soon after that. Seattle looks at it, decides not to do it. Chicago gets it three months later. Then it travels down the Mississippi, OK? All the red states start doing it. Good Morning America does a piece about it. And then, it shows up in Scranton." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Creed! Wha- [Shoves Creed with his foot, Creed grunts] This is a safety issue with you. There's no way to know if you're dead!" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Good morning. [suitcase falls and he laughs awkwardly]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Corporate wants me up here, Dunder Mifflin wants me down there. What they worked out is that Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'm here in Scranton, Tuesday Thursday I'm in Tallahassee, I mean I feel like Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air, you know? More money more problems. Although, I didn't get a raise, so you know. Same money, more problems." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's called owling. You'll read about it in like eight months." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, I will have the chicken piccata with a side salad." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "That sounds good." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Chicken piccata, side salad." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Chicken piccata, salad on the side please." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll start with a side salad and uh, oh, chicken piccata." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Chicken piccata, side salad." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Side salad, chicken piccata on the side." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'll start with a side salad, then a chicken piccata." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Steak. Rare." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Jim, you alright? What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good. What? Nothin'" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! Text from Jim. “This is...” hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Profound man, your husband." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One more. To our boss!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think we have to do this again cause it's gonna take a whole. [everyone clinks glasses]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? Let us treat you. What do you say? It has been such a pleasure." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I can expense it." }, { "character": "Darryl & Oscar", "line": "Let him expense it, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I insist. It is gonna be our treat, please?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Hi, Mr. Shrute. I've waited on you before. I just wanted to let you know that gratuity is not included in the bill and tips are expected." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, tips are expected?" }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Yes sir." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then expect to be shocked. Jim, you owe me $14.75. Oscar, $14.75. Darryl...." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "My entire childhood, I was the one left out, and I said to myself: Gabe, if you just achieve some success, you'll be part of them. You'll be part of the happy ones. But instead, people just used my success as a new way to shut me out." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, this ain't no Breakfast Club, bitch." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Winners!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, so this isn’t matching up with this…and I’m not sure which one’s right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes. Me do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me do it now. Go. Stop worry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin, do you feel OK?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, alright Kev why don’t you come with us?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, guys." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, he’s fine." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He’s fine." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He’s always been like that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No he hasn’t." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I mean, he’s gotten worse over the years…." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He’s making a statement. It’s an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You keep think that." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say “car no go”, and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kevin, I appreciate what you’re trying to do." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we’re talking about is…basically the speech equivalent… to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use…but need need for talk talk." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But save time. More success." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Does it save time though? ‘Cause we’ve been here for about an hour." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No me fault." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin, at most you’re saving a microscopic amount of time." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Many small time make big time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you gonna do with all this time?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "See world." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "K, Kevin, are you saying “See the world”? or “Sea World?”" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, see? Right there, that’s the problem with your method. ‘Cause I still don’t know if you’re saying “Sea World” or “see the world,” and it’s taking a lot of time to explain it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Fine, fine. I’ll talk normally." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "When me President, they see. [Nodding and smiling] They see." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet….the Pyramid. [holds up triangle shaped touch pad]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ooh, why is it shaped like that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, you can tell your clients: “Unleash the power of the pyramid.”" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It’s huge. How much does it weigh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it’s barely three pounds." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How much memory does it have without the booster?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fifty L." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I’m sorry,” L”?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How many L to a K?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re really going to want the booster." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How on earth are we supposed to sell…?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’ll take five." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy, don’t make us sell this stupid thing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwight’s meeting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties…and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? [To Oscar] What do you think, C-SPAN?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "…”C-SPAN”?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause……" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is this really the best use of our collective time?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, I’m sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dog…had to pull rank." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to group] OK, let’s look at some ties." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here’s how I’m going to help out from now on. I’m going to not care, and I’m going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy’s inevitable demise." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[To Oscar] Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Um, D-Dog, you have a message." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Erin, you don’t need to call him that." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy wants us to, P-Dog." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It’s ok E-Dog, just who called?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Justine. She said she’s coming by later." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Your ex-wife?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, I thought she was a **** and you ******* hated her guts?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No no no no. I like her." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well I’m just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don’t know the woman." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nah man, we get along now. Real well." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Alright. Can’t wait to meet her." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I’ll introduce you." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can’t tell you what I did with my ex wife last night…. I have to sing it. [singing] We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Robert California] Hi Dad!...... Ahhh….oh boy." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hello, Andy. Excellent tie." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you’re here?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I’d love some coffee." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you factoring in the… whole national …economy…. declining and all that?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, do you know why I chose you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor….vanilla?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Vanilla? No no no no. You’ll never guess in a million billion years you’ll never guess." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You were saying you chose me…. There was a reason?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can I inspire? [laughs] I don’t know!.....I don’t know." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh! Thank you. Uh…." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, sorry." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You can just put it down." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "That is very cold." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. It’s old. [smiling]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Why would I…..?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said “coffee”…." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why don’t we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, you don’t want that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’ve been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. [sips] Mmm…." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You like her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "She likes you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, we’ve both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we’re in this weird dance…." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[interrupting] I’m afraid you’ve lost my interest." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Let me call you back." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I gotta go." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ah…" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is where we go" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[chuckling] Oh, you’d go someplace else. That’s not it, that’s not the answer." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It’s a answer." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It’s a wrong answer." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "There are no wrong answers." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at it’s birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wait….they’re terrified?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don’t know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You’ll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them “you are welcome.” [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You got it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Double." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Done." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I’m not kidding." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Neither am I, it’s already done. Hah, I’m just kidding, it’s going to take some time." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Double." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. [Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jim’s desk, kicking things in the process.]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What’s up, guys? Just thought we’d have a little rap session, talk about business…see how things are going? Ahem…" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don’t you start?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert…man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how’s the sales doubling …project going?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can’t just press a magic button." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OF course not. There’s no magic button. You have to summon that." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You’re not making any sense." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, anything?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they’re out of the house." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? [Jim raises hand] Tuna." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door…" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fart….. good Sesh. [gets up] That leg’s asleep." } ], [ { "character": "Justine", "line": "Hello. I’m looking for Darryl Philbin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Don’t! oh, you must think…I’m not. I’m using the fax, this isn’t, no wait. I’m not supposed to represent the company. Right? There’s usually an Erin here." }, { "character": "Justine", "line": "Ok….?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So…DARRYL! A GIRL!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Singing] rub a dub dub…I got scrubbed. ‘Sup, darlin’? Everybody, this is Justine. [murmurs of hello from the group] This is Jim and Oscar, everybody." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Kevin." }, { "character": "Justine", "line": "Can we…. go some place private?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Follow me, I got a space. After you. I’ve been thinking about you all mornin’. I don’t know what you did, I can barely walk today." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "D-Bone. There you are." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie…? Lick the spoon?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, that’s ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don’t see the point. It’s so Wall Street." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah…um, how is everything?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. Really really good." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Must be a tough time to be a family farm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oof. What are you gonna do about that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don’t know, what do you mean?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There’s gotta be some way you can double your beet sales…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! [Licks brownie battered finger] And I’ll do mine….. walnuts?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Have you seen this? [Hands Pam Parenting magazine]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Parenting? Yeah. This is Cici’s favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She looks at it when she’s on the potty, and she makes the faces." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I flipped through it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you’re pregnant?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We know that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That sounds nice." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Great.[Angela walks away]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You have a walking buddy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I do." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks for coming in guys." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You don’t have to thank us for coming in, it’s our job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I’m gonna thank people." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What’s with the blanket?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is what’s under the blanket." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We don’t get it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "These are incentives. It’s how we’re gonna double growth. Now, you’re probably all asking yourselves: “Well, how does this work?”" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You’re exactly right and you get a point." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. [smiling]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, is that a vibrator?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Twenty points." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "How does one get a point?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’ve outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It’s so gross." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There’s lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How ‘bout you want us to work harder, pay us more." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can’t." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This point system is really insulting." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ooh I didn’t mean to offend you, and I hope you’ll forgive me because I am very very… Sari. [tosses yellow print material over shoulder] Sixteen points." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That’s a tablecloth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That’s a crazy amount of points." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But, what if?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, what do you want?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t know, for such a crazy number I’d like something pretty crazy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. [laughter]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’ll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. [laughter] Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard![Andy points to his rear-end]" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Ooooh!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, alright. And you are totally serious?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Swear to God, hope to die. Now let’s get to work!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that case…let’s get to work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah! Whoo! [Group cheers]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone]I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. [hangs up] Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[hands Jim folder] Ask for Donald, Karen’s bananas." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "T-bag bone…" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andrew." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I didn’t notice anything." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years….and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[On the phone] You’ve got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t know what to tell you, man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You think it has something to do with that incentive program?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bah…I think people thought I was kidding when I said that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nah, you definitely weren’t kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in. [hands Andy slip of paper]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hundred and twenty points." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Big sale. Don’t worry about it though, I don’t really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though…[on phone] Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald…can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much. [gets up to give Erin his point receipt]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman’s?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes! [adds receipt to growing pile and thumbs up Andy.]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone]and I’m back. How are you sir?....I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Where’s Angela? [Hands paper over her shoulder]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Kevin, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Don’t talk to me! [Everyone continues to work busily]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on phone] Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of ’95. Hey there, um, I’m a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here…De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale…uh why? Well, um I guess you could say I’m in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[fills in drawing showing points, crowd cheers and claps]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Took ‘em one day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ready! [flips sketch pad showing tattoo possibilities] “I’m not as think as you drunk I am!” [crowd claps and cheers]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I like it, I like it! [Pam flips the page]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do Not Resuscitate…[mild cheering]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK, keep in mind, it’s not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car [nervous laughter] for a thousand points….or best offer." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What else you got?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, and then this was Phyllis’s idea…[shocked cheers] So nasty Phyllis!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We were hoping you could do something like this…" }, { "character": "Tattoo Artist", "line": "So, coming out of his butt is a…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Baby." }, { "character": "Tattoo Artist", "line": "Baby…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Tattoo Artist", "line": "Yeah, no problem." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We should think about this…does anyone have any better ideas?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I like what we have." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Looks good." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "For sure.\n[murmurs from group in agreement]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just need a second outside." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gettin’ psyched up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this…" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ….Confession: I don’t know what I’m doing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, do you like it? You having fun? [Andy snorts, unsure how to answer] Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun….and you did that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My ass is only so big, I mean I can’t do this everyday." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But I think it’s big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea….which, by the way, I can’t wait for." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No one expects me to go through with this, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely not." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let’s ink…my stink! [crowd cheers]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people." } ], [ { "character": "Group", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[lying on table] Do your worst!" }, { "character": "Tattoo Artist", "line": "Uh, you can keep your pants on actually…if just drop ‘em down a bit, that’d be great." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They are already off, my good sir." }, { "character": "Tattoo Artist", "line": "I’d really prefer they not be down." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I think down’s better. Sweating pretty heavily down there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you think you could work from this? [showing Tattoo artist sketch pad] we made some small adjustments." }, { "character": "Tattoo Artist", "line": "OK, you want me to…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just a few adjustments" }, { "character": "Tattoo Artist", "line": "Alright, let’s begin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!" }, { "character": "Tattoo Artist", "line": "That was just the cotton swab." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Invest in softer cotton, sir. [tattooing begins] OW! Oh! Oooh! [Crowd cheers] oh, whoa!!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I’m gonna like it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "DRAW SOME BLOOD!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "AHHHHH!!!!!!!" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he’s all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy] It’s a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That’s my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pull up your pants." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "There’s something about an underdog that really inspires…the unexceptional." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, what should we talk about?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I’m having." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don’t know if I should call social services about it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela, that’s pretty transparently me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know it’s just herbal tea." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I think you should call social services." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I already did." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we’re in this together." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Fine." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "When you're a kid, you picture a pilot kinda like this [imitates plane noises while steering wildly] But then you learn that's crashing the plane. The right way to do it is more like this. [calmly pulls imaginary steering back and forth] Or better yet, like this. [takes hands off imaginary wheel] Now that I'm manager, I think about that a lot. I let Dwight run the meetings, I let good people do good work and I stay out of the way." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Which combo do you think Robert's gonna like better?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Just wear one of your bowties." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No! I mean, let him, he should just explore other options..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Bowties, no offense, are a black thing. They're for rappers and NBA players. I cringe when I see Tucker Carlson trying to pull off a bowtie. It's like yeah Tucker, you're so street." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is combo number seven." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Hmm, no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't like that clip." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're right, you're right, you're right. Uh! It's so hard to find an occasion for this clip." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'd hang on to it though, cause I can think of a bunch. Like a 70's theme party, or a 70's theme meeting, or a 70's theme convention..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "1870's..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks T-Dog." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "T-Dog?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I thought I was T-Dog." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, he means tuna dog." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna dog!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I thought the plane was flying pretty well on auto-pilot. And then Robert California ran into the cockpit with a gun and he was like “Fly this plane to Cuba, and on the way bomb Texas” Well I don't know how to get there. Or even how to fly, even. And I don't have any bombs." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey. Maybe it'd help to just talk it over. Over a cup of cool old tea." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sighs] Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "What if you were to just start with your ideas about how to double profits. Just say them all and maybe one of them will rise to the top." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't have any ideas though." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well I have an idea." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You do?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What if Dunder Mifflin were to take on 15-20 foster kids? You'd get huge checks from the government and honestly they would be ecstatic to live in the warehouse. It would be like Hogwart's." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah....I don't think that's legal. It's a nice thought though. [Erin hands Andy a gift] What is this?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I just wanted to say congratulations on your new job, officially." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You didn't have to do that. [opens box to reveal red mouse cat toy attached to key chain]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I saw it at the checkout counter, it made me think of you. I don't know why. I made it into a key chain." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're the only person who's congratulated me." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "....back orders and you never called them." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can you believe this?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "There's a dog in the car." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You can't leave a dog in a parked car. [points to “I'd rather be snowboarding” bumper sticker] Snowboarder, it figures." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do Snowboarders hate animals?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oscar, it's not that hot out." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Here, I'm gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. [Whistling and pouring water from bottle into sunroof of car] Come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight! At least aim it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're losing cloud cover." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window. [Oscar approaches the vehicle with a tire iron]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa whoa whoa whoa!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Come on buddy, get back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey! [Oscar busts out back window, group cries out in protest, then cheers]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright! Nice job, Oscar!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And one for good measure! [Busts out taillight, group applauds]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So...ah, who's gonna take the dog?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why would we take the dog?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What if he jumps out the window and runs away?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jim, he's not gonna star- [Dog lunges for open window and barks]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nein. Sits. [snaps as dog calms] Goot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window] There we go. That should do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, that's pretty good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, that'll work." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That'll work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice job." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bye poochie!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Bye. [Andy barks]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Bye! [Kevin's horn honks twice shortly, then one long honk. Shot shows him passed out on his steering wheel.]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's that come to? Like, what did they each win?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh man, it's gotta be over a hundred thousand dollars." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Awesome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Before taxes." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's still a lot of money!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[On phone] Hello?....Justine! [laughs] Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?....Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-...what?...Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won....Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-...What?....Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right- [hangs up] Whoops." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won … playing my birthday." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "We're lookin' at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "At least." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, I don't even know what I'd do with all that money." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know what you'd do with all that money. [imitating Jim] “Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.”" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "SoHo's mostly lofts but OK." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And then every morning, I'd walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, god." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And then my handsome husband..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which ideally would be me...." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Would bring me a flavored coffee." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know about Stephen King, I mean..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[under her breath] get a divorce...get a divorce..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year....I mean obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean I'm getting paid a dollar a year, OK? You can chill." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. [lowers voice] To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. [normal voice] Darryl, how we doin' on the new warehouse guys?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What d-? What..what? Wuh, do we have new guys, or what?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are they on their way over?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I haven't hired anyone." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm not checkin' email till lunch. Four hour work week." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is kinda time sensitive." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I got it. I'm doin' it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, well until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who's in? [Erin raises hand]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "As long as you guys don't need me up here." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No..we don't" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think we'll be fine. [group murmurs in agreement]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Really, nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you volunteering?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Of course. I would. But my hip....I would kill to be at a hundred percent. [Angela rolls eyes]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim! How 'bout you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god. [grunts] False. Andy, I will volunteer." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great. And Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Good old Kevin. He'll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, wait. What's this? [holds up clipboard]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby's birth weight pool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It says “Lotto Pool”, right on top. [points to obvious title]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah. And I said sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh come on. You really think I'm gonna have a fourteen pound baby?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "When did I get so fat?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You look awesome." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where are we in the process?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys,hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You do have a fantastic basement." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right. Um, well how 'bout we take a look at some applications? ...This guy wrote his in green ink, that's pretty cool. Check it out. [attempts to give Darryl application who ignores him at first but then takes it]Hey! There ya go...there he is." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. Three hundred boxes of twenty pound white. That's seventy-five boxes per person, so that's not so bad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Negative! Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it! [climbs into forklift]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. [Dwight runs forklift into wall of warehouse] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Damn! [Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins lifting boxes by hand.]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yup." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl.[no one laughs] What? No Newhart fans? OK...Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?" }, { "character": "Female Applicant", "line": "Your old crew won the lottery?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system?" }, { "character": "Male Applicant 1", "line": "Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well-" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Heday is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals. [Andy laughs awkwardly]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, can you guys give us a minute? But stay close, you're all doing great. [group begins leaving] maybe grab a coffee..or if there's any donuts out you can split one. You know they're for everybody so people get fussy....You know what? Just have a donut. [shuts door and sits, gesturing for Darryl to sit next to him. Then gets up to stand near Darryl.] Do you wanna talk about this not winning the lottery thing?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You sure? Cause you keep talking about it, so..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nope. I'm good. I'm here. Let's find some warehouse workers." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren't like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We need you, OK?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Grunts while lifting box into truck] What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband. [Erin grunts loudly and tosses box toward truck but misses]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I didn't feel anything." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why do you wanna work here?" }, { "character": "Male Applicant 1", "line": "I need a job." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's not a good reason." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good. Keepin' 'em honest." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Don't just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you’re still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are we scaring them straight....?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Nice. Right back where I like you. [Pam is sitting at reception covering for Erin] Can you make ten copies of this for me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why not? What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, buying lottery tickets online. [Ryan laughs]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You came in at 10:30 today, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "OK, (we'll just dismiss it.)??????" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is everyone licensed?" }, { "character": "Male Applicant 2", "line": "Like a driver's license?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Warehouse license....Masters in warehouse sciences?...I, I feel like Darryl has talked about a license of some kind." }, { "character": "Female Applicant", "line": "Is this a joke?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Not joking. This is real....painfully real, what is happening right now." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[On all fours with a box on his back] OK, I'm not gonna make it. I'm turning back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah [laughs and then notices camera] Not that they're not smart people." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Noticing camera] No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'd go with that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like baboons or elephants." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not that, don't..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's a great idea Kev, I don't think it applies here though, so maybe we just-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah we move stuff and it was fun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin! Doesn't apply." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Right. My mom-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[grabbing Kevin's arm] You need to drop it, OK? They hate it. I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it! [Kevin tears up]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap? [raises hand and laughs] You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um..." }, { "character": "Male Applicant 1", "line": "How much longer is this gonna take?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Did you hire 'em?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Because they all left." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What do you mean “they left”?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, after you bailed? I got confused and frankly a little weird and the stuff that you said certainly didn’t help." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Then I think you should fire me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah. Just put me out of my misery." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "…..OK, this is weird. I don't, I don't get the joke." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No? OK. I don't wanna be here anymore. Fire me." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So Darryl says to me “fire me”. But what he really means is “I'm gonna say something really weird, try and figure out what it means.” So I say “No, you're not fired.” But what I really mean is “I have no idea what your talking about, but I'm gonna go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.”........I really hope that's what he and I mean." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Bulk or definition?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Definition." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, he's plenty strong." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So. I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings...." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Our fake winnings" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And we move to the south of France. See? No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is, yeah. I mean I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy it's Maine and you love it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. You're, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now. [Pam sighs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A...hot chocolate tea" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce?" }, { "character": "Gideon", "line": "North America...and, diminishing is a little reductive, but uh sure. That's the headline version." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great....Well, it'll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse." }, { "character": "Gideon", "line": "FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Eh, cool. We'll figure that out." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Also, FYI, ah, I don't techinically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I'll hear 'em as one big jumble. Uh, again it's not that I can't hear, uh because that's false. I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Got it. Dually noted. You! [points to Bruce] Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?" }, { "character": "Bruce", "line": "Made it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet or know or even talk to." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Message in a Bottle, The Postman..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kevin Costner." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin Costner." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. [Shot shows Kevin and Erin greasing floor of warehouse]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, it's not the dumbest idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not the greatest one either..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And it's clear we're not going to carry them. [Dwight grunts loudly in shot showing them sliding boxes over the greased floor]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So sadly, it's the best idea on the table." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think we're ready to give thi- [Kevin slips on grease and falls] Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is he OK?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yep. He'll be fine." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Surprise! Your new crew." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Would you just fire me, man?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You wanna make me happy? Huh?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Give me your job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Haha, what?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why, reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy, everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not gonna give you my job! It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem, it's just when there's a lot of noises..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nate! Please....thank you. You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under D'Angelo, what happened to that?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "He died." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "What wa-, what was the last...I'm havin' a-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "None, no part of this has anything to do with you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I didn't have time because of my daughter." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic, and a Mediterranean cooking class." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. [long pause]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK what?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "OK, don't fire me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah, OK." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though, it's gonna be mostly my bunch." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. [laughs] That makes sense. OK. Good, alright." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Here..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What is goin' on?! [shot shows greased aisle flanked by rows of boxes]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh hey guys." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why is the forklift in the wall?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why is the truck empty?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, it's not totally empty." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Is that grease on my floor?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "OK Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it's cool cause we found another use for them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, alright, that's...look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And we did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Jim? Tell them what it's called." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's alright." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No Jim, tell 'em what a name is." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Doesn't matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein, that's stupid." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[laughing] Señor Loadenstein. Tell 'em why it's called that, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's OK, we're good." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Jim..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, Jim. Tell us why it's called Señor Loadenstein." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Porque es muy rapido." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Let me see it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's uh, it's in beta testing." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Let me see it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping." }, { "character": "Dwight & Erin & Jim & Kevin", "line": "Uno! Dos! Tres! [Shot shows Jim & Dwight pulling ropes attached to a plank holding Erin in a helmet and boxes of paper down the greased runway, Dwight grunts]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I lost my client." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, The Flenderson Files. Dum bum buh. [whispers] Flenderson files." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right. It's city and country combined." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just like now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] Just like now....too bad the schools are terrible." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh.." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But what are you gonna do about that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you gonna do?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "If I won the lottery, I don't know. I don't think I'd make any changes to my life. Quit my job, move, meet someone...." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'd give 35% to AIDS related charities. 25%. If they can't cure AIDS with 25%, the extra ten's not gonna make a difference. At some point, you're just throwing good money after bad." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "The first thing I'd buy is new boobs. For my mom. She has the worst boobs. It- It's embarrassing." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, ok. We are so close. All we have to do is figure out that corner and we're basically there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. Kevin, we've been friends for a long time, right?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Egons." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, Dwight! Come on. Here, I think I have an idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now would I?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dammit Dwight!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "However it's normally done." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, I have a question. Why is the truck so far away?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah Jim, why's it so far?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why's it so far away?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, I just asked that ques-, I don't know. I mean it seems like the door is huge, right? So you should be able to back the truck up to the paper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, why is it so far away Jim?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So this warehouse has been around for what? Like a thousand years? And they never thought to back the truck up into it? I guess sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes. Alright! [knocks on side of truck]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Back..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That looks good. Back. Whoa whoa whoa!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa whoa whoa!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You're doing great! A little farther away from the wall!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No no no!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Good..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No! Stop! Stop stop stop stop! You're way over! Ok, you gotta cut it! Cut it hard! (bleep!) Stop stop stop stop! Stop, stop! Dammit Dwight. Great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[entering office] Hey. So, we saw a new billboard." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah? Pretty cool, huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "How'd it look?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You've seen it, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Andy, somebody defaced it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? [Stanley enters office laughing] Morning, Stanley." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin, how long did we order those billboards for?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Six months." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, god. I need you to call the billboard company." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[entering office] Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it, loved it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Which one did you see?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Washington Street, the one with, like, twenty dongs on it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, don't be gross." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[entering office] What's going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Somebody defaced the billboards we just put out in an inappropriate way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that's funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! [running from building] No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! [stopping in front of defaced billboard] NOOOOOOOOO!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Just give us the address. We'll look it up online." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's simpler this way." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's really not." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now, stated arrival time is 3 p.m." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't get the reason for this party." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, what's the reason?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What's the reason, Andy? What's the reason?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's just a garden party. Sheesh." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You don't need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. It's a garden party. You don't need a reason." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Few other super simple reminders – no burping, no slurping, when eating take small bites and chew thoroughly with your mouth closed. Yes, Darryl?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor, or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I get it, I'm being a little overbearing. But I promise to be underbearing for a week if you guys just all... step it up." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy, we understand basic table manners, we're not children." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, it's just a picnic." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is not a picnic, Phyllis, it's a garden party." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aw, ew, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How is that better than a barbecue?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's the dress code on this?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm glad you asked – Connecticut Casual." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business, i.e. this is what I'm wearing to your party." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys, my family just threw a garden party to celebrate my brother's promotion. It was a huge success. Check it out, there's a video online. Heartwarming impromptu father-son duet. [video playing on computer]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, Oscar, you showed me this." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I've seen this, that's not you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, whoa, who's the sausage?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesn't really support another harmony part, so... Check it out, that's my brother's boss. Look how psyched he is, he's having an awesome time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, and did Robert California get an invite to your party?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, of course. Ye... I mean, uh, yeah, I think he did. [groans from the group]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why didn't you just say this was to impress Robert California?" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey Andy, how about you don't steal my business strategies, and I won't dress like my life is just one long brunch?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "See you all there at 3 p.m., Connecticut Casual, remember your manners, and have a wonderful time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And please refer to the map, stay off of the web. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[pointing to computer monitor] So, we've typed in the address, now let's take a look at the street view. [picture of Dwight and Mose on a see-saw]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They don't warn you when the cameras are driving by." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah. Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean, how hard are finger sandwiches and tea?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's so much more to it than that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. [holds up book, Throwing A Garden Party by James Trickington] Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. [holds up same book] I've only sold one copy." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is there anything you wish you had done differently to avoid cankles?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I've already gone up another cup size. The senator is grossed out. When do you start feeling it kick?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cece was around 22 weeks, but Phillip was much earlier." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phillip?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, oh my gosh. Yes, but don't, don't say anything, okay? It's after my grandfather." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phillip is the name that we're using. It's after my favorite cat." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[giggling] Oh, wow. Funny. It's after my grandfather." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's after my cat." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[on the phone] Andrew, I've picked up two possible gifts to bring this afternoon. One, a pot of marmalade." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ooh, that sounds great." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well, that, that is what you want then, the marmalade." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You don't want to hear the other one. You love marmalade." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, I'll hear the other one." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It's a basil plant." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, the marmalade sounds great." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and she's very interested." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Then the basil will be fine." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well, you clearly want the marmalade. Gretchen, I need another marmalade. Alright. [hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, where do I park?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "I'm the valet. You have to give me your car." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, you know what, I can go park it myself." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "I'm the... I'm the valet. You have to give me your car." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's probably okay..." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Give me your car." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I think it's better that I..." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Give me your car." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's a finicky car..." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Get out. Have a good time at the thing." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's a little tricky, you might have to... take... [Mose speeds away]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "MR. RYAN HOWARD!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Chapter 2 – Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone present." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "How's it going over here, guys?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy, stop hovering, you're being really annoying." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Didn't mean to bother you, Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!" } ], [ { "character": "Walter", "line": "So, you all work with Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, technically FOR Andy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Technically FOR Robert California. He's our CEO." }, { "character": "Ellen", "line": "I thought you were the CEO." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know how you got there." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "You said you were running the company." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This branch, I'm the regional manager." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Yes, that makes more sense. Are you all regional managers?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That's crazy. Now, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves, which, as a matter of fact, they did, last week. They threw one for my baby brother who is totally amazing, but I couldn't care less." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can I introduce you around now?" }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Uh, yeah, we don't have too long, we have theater tickets." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you going to see?" }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Money Ball. Walter Jr.'s choice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What??" }, { "character": "Walter Jr", "line": "Hey Bronard!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't know you were going to be here." }, { "character": "Walter Jr", "line": "I wouldn't have missed it." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ahh! [bird steals her hat]" } ], [ { "character": "Walter Jr", "line": "I'm Walter, Andy's younger brother." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hey, how are you doing, I'm Jim." }, { "character": "Walter Jr", "line": "Tuna, right? And this must be your lovely wife Pam [looking at Meredith]." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hell no. She wishes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. No." } ], [ { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Sir, I need to be able to feed all the guests." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[mouthful of food] I understand." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Set that down. [grabs waitress] Present yourself." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Chapter 4 – One of the host's most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hello Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Welcome." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yes, hello, nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Pleasure." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, where shall I put your basil plant?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, I thought you were going to bring marmalade." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No, I'm certain you said basil." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is not funny, man, let me down." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think this thing is broken." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's not broken, Kevin. This is how it works." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So pretty today." }, { "character": "Ellen", "line": "It's getting chilly." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "We really should be leaving." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, um, it would be weird if the boss man didn't make a toast, so, hang on. Everybody, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming, and to raise a glass to my amazing staff." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Toasts are great. I mean, you toast somebody, they toast you back. It just goes round and round. That's my favorite part about toasts, the reciprocity." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's hear from you guys, who do you want to toast?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, I'll say something. I think we should be acknowledging our boss, because none of us would be here without him. Robert California! [everyone toasts]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I can't believe I didn't think of toasting Robert. Get in the game, Gabriel! Why are you talking to Stanley's mistress?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would like to toast someone who isn't here but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Phillip Lipton!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I also would like to toast Phillip Halpert, who is due even sooner. May he be a good namesake to my grandfather who I promised as a child long before tonight that I would one day name my son after him. To Phillip Halpert!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "She just always has to copy anything I do! It's the Ford Taurus situation all over again!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'd like to make a toast to the troops. All the troops. Both sides." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I think we should toast..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Chapter 9 – The tableau vivant is not only welcomed, but expected entertainment at any garden party." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Andy? I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter. To Robert California." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California,..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You can't triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'll say a few words if that's alright with you, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You people say I led you, but it wasn't me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager, one day the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "To Robert California, from the moment you entered our building and our hearts, you..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr., please report to the stage!" }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "I'm eating, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah, come on!" }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Okay. Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "What do you want to do?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, how about one of our classic father/son duets? [starts playing guitar]" }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Oh, whoa, sure? Really? It's a little tricky." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Saying I love you is not the words..." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "It's too high." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "It's high but it's not that high." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right, it feels strange." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Just take it down a little." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Saying I love... Saying I love you..." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Here, give it to me. Okay. Uh, something like... [singing] Saying I love you is..." }, { "character": "Andy & Walter", "line": "...not the words..." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "You don't come in yet. [singing] ...I want to hear from you, It's not that I want you..." }, { "character": "Andy & Walter", "line": "...not to say it but if you only knew... More than words is all you have to do to make it real..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[holding up cell phone] It's either taping or calling." }, { "character": "Andy & Walter", "line": "What would you do if my heart was torn in two..." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "You know what, Walter Jr. is here. Why don't you come up and join us?" }, { "character": "Walter Jr", "line": "Dad, no. I'm just having a good time getting to know Andy's friends here." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and you'll never be able to sing again. Woo!" }, { "character": "Walter & Walter Jr", "line": "[singing] May the good lord be with you down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true. And do unto others as you'd have done to you..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[applauds] Cheers! Alright! Cheers, cheers, cheers, get your own guitar." }, { "character": "Erin's Cell Phone", "line": "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I am so cold." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's because you didn't bring a jacket." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can get you exotic meats – hippo steaks, giraffe burgers..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "We'll talk. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It'll all be goat." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello, Cece Halpert? This is Andrew Bernard. I'd very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs. That wasn't even my worst sales call." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "[knocks] Hi. What was that display?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know, I just thought if I could throw this great garden party and show you how respected I am that you'd be proud of me." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "Andrew..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know, I know that you're proud of me." }, { "character": "Walter", "line": "I'm not going to tell you how impressed I am that you're a manager of some rinky dink branch of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. How long are you going to go on needing my approval? You're a grown man, don't act like a little boy who needs..." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I think if I had parents like that I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Guess we found Andy's rosebud." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Rosebud?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was, it just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No. You're wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah! I'm too hot anyway." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn't that strange? I've never been there! Oh, ah, yes, that's nice. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Walter", "line": "It was a nice party, the setting was a little strange. Uh, the food..." }, { "character": "Ellen", "line": "Sandwiches were dry." }, { "character": "Walter Jr", "line": "Bye Tuna, bye Pam!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey everybody, I'm gonna leave and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cheeseburger or hamburger." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, cheeseburger." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Narddog. [throws Andy a can]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks, Oscar." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are they doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Closing ceremonies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice touch." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I left my wallet in your house." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who cares." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "MR. JAMES HALPERT!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Keys, keys..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop forgetting things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't forget them, they're right here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "MR. JAMES HALPERT!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm so sorry, I think I forgot that thing..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Idiot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoo." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "MIS... MI... What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I cannot believe how condescending Andy's being." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "He gets condescending when he's nervous. Or when he's excited or sleepy. Not an easy person to be friends with." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Well I just hate being treated like some bum with no class. I'm a lady. I'm a mother. I'm a former boxer!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey guys, getting psyched for the party? Ryan? Can I count on you to wear an understated satirical outfit?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Can't wait. A folk colonialist gathering when unemployment's at 9%. I wouldn't miss it for the world." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Awesome." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Erin....the receptionist!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, oh, oh, Kevin. I am reminded of a lame but useful saying I learned as a kid. What is the difference between Hors d'oeuvres and the animals on Noah's ark?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "With Hors d'oeuvres we only take one at a time." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, OK. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a blonde?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Chapter seven: The host should always present something spectacular to draw the eye of his guests." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When all this is over, I'd like to actually go to one of Trickington's parties, they sound like a blast." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you...the Alamo! [reveals lump of ice]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Little Cici asleep?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, she just went down." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Such a precious little angel." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aww." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Cecilia....and Phillip." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, after my grandfather." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phillip is wasted on you. Jim is never gonna take the time to call him Phillip! He doesn't even take the time to get a haircut. And Phil! Ugh! It's just something you do to a hole!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I'm having my baby first, so that's that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You know what? It could go either way. My doctor said my hips are so dainty that I'll most definitely have a C-section, so I could go early." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You think your doctor's going to give you a C-section at six months?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah! If I request it he will. And that is that." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My parents are used to a certain type of class. The people that I work with are a different type of class. One is not better than the other, it's just that maybe one's a little higher than the other?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[looking at Angela's costume] Approved!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[claps] Chef from South Park, it's genius!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Just some chef." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I've decided to pre-screen all the Halloween costumes this year. I have three simple rules - don't be offensive, don't be cliche, and don't take the first two rules too seriously." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Huh? The one who sacrifices his life." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! Aw, spoiler alert." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's been out for ages, man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Costume vetoed." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah, it's, uh... somebody's already called that." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This is ridiculous! Why can't there just be two Kate Middleton's?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys, I know, I mean, I wish there could be, too. It's like, I can't choose. They're both amazing. It's just..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Look, I stayed up all night and I watched that gd wedding, and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day. Meredith wasn't even here." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Because I was there. [shows Kelly her cell phone video] Your the people's princess! Diana was nothing!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I thought you were at your sister's funeral." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What I said was, “My sister's funeral is this weekend.” Didn't say I'd be there." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids, doing it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, can I, maybe, squeeze through?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Here you go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There you go. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "When they talk about all the nice things about dating a coworker, they don't mention one of the best parts. After you're done dating, you still get to work together, every single day." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jim, put it on." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Put it on, man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know if I can." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Come on, the Three Amigos." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Three Kings." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know, I know, I know. But Darryl and Kevin needed a third. They bought me this jersey. I said no. Kevin started crying. So, I am Chris Bosh." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to Kelly] If you get into season 1, you can really..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[Dwight walks in] Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's called a costume." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ryan, will you please tell her who I am?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Whoopi Goldberg." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from Starcraft? Queen of blades? It's all Toby's fault." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Every Halloween I tell him the same thing - You can't bring weapons into the office, and every year he says the same thing - As soon as I get my weapons back I'm gonna kill you. But there I am at Thanksgiving, alive, you know. I'm a lucky turkey." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everybody looking good, this is, this is the best we can do? I'm not judging, I, I think you guys look great, I just... wanna make sure this is the best we can do?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just got a text from Broccoli Rob - \"Boo!\" Scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California - \"Looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high.\" Scared the s**t out of me." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "G'day, Pameroo. Could you shoot this off for me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Australian accent..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[faxing, Erin watching over her shoulder] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it, if you're doing something I don't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. [sends fax, Erin nods] Are you..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That Andy, so hot and cold. One day he's like, fax these documents, please. The next he's like, Pam, you fax them, who cares what Erin's feeling, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Erin..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, 2?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I mean, you're doing great, and Andy put you in charge of the whole party, right?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Send completed. You are the best in the biz, I can't deny." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Bob and I are doing this Scranton Haunted Walking Tour." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub, tell the Man In Black I say hello." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[sigh] What happened, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. When I was 22, I worked there and everybody said the place was haunted. I didn't believe it until one day before we opened, I look up into the mirror, you know, behind the bar, and I see this old man dressed all in black, but when I turn around, there's no one there. So, I tell the cook my story..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wait, they have food there?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...and he said, That's what everyone sees, that's the Man In Black." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "No! My wife does not believe in ghosts." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, this Man In Black thing, what do you think that was about?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Was it, like, trickery in the lights, or maybe you were so primed to see it, then there it was?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I saw a ghost." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmhmm. No, but what I'm saying is, like, do you ever wonder what it was?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was a ghost, I told you this on, like, our first date." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the Blue Angels. I figured you had to top it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know what to tell you, Jim, but I saw a ghost." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Uh-oh, looks like we're under a Jack attack!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yes, Andrew. And you, on this day of fantasy, are a laborer." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Everyone, this Bert, my son. Bert, this is... a paper company." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Hello. Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Here, use this one. [walking to Jim's desk]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh, look, Pin The Wart On The Wench. How did you know I was bringing my son?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I didn't. It was for us, but he can play. Bertie-boy, would you like to play this game?" }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "That stuff's for babies." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well, perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow, who shot our grown-up party with a kiddie raygun? We're still getting it set up, it's gonna be really cool." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[laughing] Extraordinary. Did you plan this?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, Toby and I did, yeah." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "And I overheard, and thought, hey, that'd be fun, don't mind if I do." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "If you turn out the lights we'll do a little dance." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "1, 2, 3!" }, { "character": "Gabe & Kelly & Toby", "line": "[singing and dancing] Dem bones, dem bones, dem tired bones, now we're the skeleton crew." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[laughing and clapping] Delightful." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Thank you. [Gabe mumbles]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Now then, how are we today?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You feeling fulfilled in your life?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I guess." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You guess? So, there is something you want that you do not have." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I try not to think about it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Because it's too terrifying to imagine. Now we're cooking. What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Never marrying." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "So great." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I put those up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I know. I'm taking them down." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall is more Halloween-y." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know about this, guys, Andy put me in charge of the Halloween party, so..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, Andy sent us in here, so which is it?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So, can we speak our minds now, or are we still sparing feelings, because I hate all of this." } ], [ { "character": "Bert", "line": "Very low pressure in the Sargasso Sea, warm air from South America, cold air from Greenland. All signs point to the perfect storm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, perfectly mediocre." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "What are you, anyway?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm a Jamaican zombie woman, leave me alone, ghoul." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "If you had some really big wings with blades on the end, you'd kind of look like Kerrigan from Starcraft." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! I've been censored." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "If you're going to be a Zerg, at least be a Lurker, not some girl." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!" }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Yeah, she also has boobs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, but no nipples." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. What's up?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "November's sure creeping up, ain't it? Can't stop that month!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party, you know?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, I just thought you could use some help, you know, because Robert came in and thought the party seemed a little kiddie, and I guess I agreed, and maybe we could mix a little more 13 into the PG." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But that's it? There's nothing about me, or I?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can we talk about it at the end of the day? I gotta call, gotta make a call." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, yeah, sorry. Yes, we can." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[pretending to be on the phone] Yes. [laughs] I don't know. Mmhmm." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Sweetheart." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I’m throwing the Halloween Party and I just want to amp it up a little. I think it could use some extra pizazz." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok where does Gabe factor in?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in and I didn’t stop crying?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yes. Lars and Decocco’s" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ok. Let’s say that I wanted this party to be a tiny, tiny bit like that one. Just… more adult… more… scary and sexy" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No – just scary. If we wanted ideas for scary stuff." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[laughs, eventually Erin joins him laughing] Oh that would be scary!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What are you thinking?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok let me go get it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[answers phone] Pam Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey it’s Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight. Because I’ve read a lot about this really great documentary." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it called Ghostbusters?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] It’s called Ghostbusters." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It didn’t look like that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It didn’t have a buster sign around him? Why don’t you draw him? Why don’t we see this whole thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok fine I’ll draw him. [hangs up phone and draws]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I ain’t fraid of no ghost. [Pam holds up drawing of a hand with the middle finger raised] Whoa!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmhmm. Dwight are you eating a stick?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s a root you idiot." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Everyone hates you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s really rude. I don’t tell you hurricanes suck even though it’s true." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "What do you like? Tornadoes?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Try influenza." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Oh yeah? What’s the vaccine you can take to avoid a hurricane?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricane’s coming. I suppose you’re going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?" }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Try a box jelly fish." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know that’s…" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What are we talking about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate and Meredith said she believes in them too." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[to Kevin] You seem unimpressed. Ghosts don’t scare you?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I’m only scared of real things like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that don’t exist like ghosts or mummies." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah [nervously]…prank" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It’s true. They’ve been preserved for thousands of years. They’re all over." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[screaming] Why on Earth would a museum put a mummy in it?!?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Witch’s brew?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I grew this party up real fast. Get out of here little kid party. Nobody loves you. And clean up your room! Grownups are going to use it later! Oooh!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Party looks fun doesn’t it? Everybody seems to be in there having a great time. So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "I’m using it. I’m about to play Starcraft with him [points to Dwight]." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Dwight] Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah I’m serious." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s funny. Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Loser." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pam do you think anyone’s going to notice I’ve worn this costume before? When I wasn’t pregnant. You know I bet nobody would believe it still fits." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey guys. I’m an Oscar [gestures to face] liar [gestures to nametag saying “Representative Weiner] weiner." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh my god!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This party’s tight. The fog is cool." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thanks. It’s on medium." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Perfect." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It really looks great. You did a great job." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, so we don’t have to have that talk." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We should still have that talk. Maybe you can come by my office at like 4:45? [Erin nods] Cool." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[in ghostly voice] Oookayyy everybody. Be prepared to be scared. Ok. [hits play on DVD player, “Do yes disturb meditations of horror” appears on screen, Gabe winks at Erin, on screen food deflates, a mouse crawls across a photograph of a woman, a person brushes very dirty teeth]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "The cinema of the unsettling is a growing film movement. The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot of a squirrel with diarrhea." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[cuts back to a Happy Birthday cake gushing blood when cut into, a doll melts, a woman eats food and puckers her face] Is that my grandmother?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What’s the story?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There is no story." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah it seems like there isn’t a narrative. [on screen a man gets into a car] Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What the hell is going on here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think we’ve seen enough. You can turn it off now. [everyone murmurs agreement] Yeah turn it off now." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How did you get in my car?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Where is this from? That is so upsetting!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That was awful. Robert I apologize." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I’m sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult. But I think I know what to do now [grabs box]. This game is called “pecker Poker”. [fighting tears] It’s the game of cards that gets you hard." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What we have here is a classic misunderstanding." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Why didn’t you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. You’re obviously very close. [Andy and Erin look awkwardly at each other and Robert]. Oh I see. This no longer seems like my business [Robert sits]." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me and I got nervous so…" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You were going to talk at the end of the… I’m not here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you think I was going to fire you? No I wasn’t. [to Robert] I’m sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I’m never uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok. Erin I think you know I’ve been dating someone." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And it’s getting a little more serious. She’s never come by." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And she’s never called here. Unless it’s your mom." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No I didn’t want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now it’s weird that she’s not calling." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Two dates? Three dates?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thirty-one." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow. I’m so happy for you guys. Um let me know when you get to forty. I’ll see you guys." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I should go." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I just don't get it, Pam. I mean, you're a rational person." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering] Thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs. How is this any less logical?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Careful, whoa. First of all, it's not like I think that's going to help the Eagles win." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the Eagles will hear about and want to play better. It's not..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go, get up there right now." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call, B." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Unleash the hellstorm." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] Nice." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got 'em. Go!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Is she Asian?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet. Maybe from the forest." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Forest? Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know, Phyllis. Maybe she's from the city." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Are you scared of snakes?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[in the bathroom with Robert[ Yeah, I guess sometimes I have nightmares about being buried alive." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[talking to Robert] Honestly, Jim gives me the creeps." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[to camera] What am I up to?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Like, a few years down the road, Cece says, \"Mom, there's a ghost in my closet.\" Now, you say one of two things - one, \"You're just having a bad dream,\" or two, \"Let's go see what it was.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not gonna freak her out, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not gonna lie to her, either." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, come on!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. [hisses] She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby's crib, was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh my goodness." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby, for they were mummies." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nooo!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Amongst them was a man, tall, slim." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Jim. [rolls eyes]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband. \"Oh, wait,\" she thought, \"I don't have a husband.\" For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Everytime she wanted to act and didn't, another part of her face hardened, until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, \"Baby, are you okay?\" Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, \"I'm fine, b!tch, I'm fine.\"" }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "[laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear." } ], [ { "character": "Bert", "line": "Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, hey, Bert. Wanna see the dance? Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry..." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "You're fired." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...bones. What?" }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "You heard me. Pack your things." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What... you can't... Gabe? Are you..." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "I'm the CEO's son. Pack your things. You're done." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pink is the red-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What are we talking about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was talking about my wife, and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate. Meredith said she believes in them too." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Have you seen a ghost?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Seen and banged." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hmph." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ok, I met him in a bar, right? There's something weird about him. He doesn't smell right, the clothes are all tattered and dirty and from another age. Anyways, we end up back and my place and we go at it all night-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Meredith, don't." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No, no. I'm very comfortable with all things sexual. Continue." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I wake up the next morning, all my stuff's gone. Whole house turned over. No trace. You tell me what happened." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Have you considered the possibility that you slept with a drifter?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "He didn't smell like a drifter." } ], [ { "character": "Bert", "line": "What are you anyway?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm a Jamaican zombie woman. Leave me alone, ghoul." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "I'm a zombie from Walking Dead. It's a show." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, I know what it is. Ok? I have like a thousand people over every week to watch it. Ok? We all kinda hate it though." }, { "character": "Bert", "line": "Who's your favorite character?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The city of Atlanta." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "If ghosts are real, how come everyone knows what they look like? It's not like a bunch of people got together and agreed on a lie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Interesting. Every culture holds this true. Clearly, there's some sort of real phenomenon out there..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oscar, how are you on that side?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This isn't about sides. This is about me seeing a blueish gray old man in the mirror and then he vanishes." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Pam, this is important. Was he me? Am I him?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Creed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But that would make more sense. [Pam sighs]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Flickering Lights] Hey everybody it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. [Plays radio and the song is Closing Time by Semisonic]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Laughs and shrieks]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Closing time." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Closing time" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[On phone] ...W R K." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on pam!" }, { "character": "Andy & Pam", "line": "[Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. [nods and shakes head] Still don't know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. [Pulls towel through legs] I know who I want to take me home. [Spins Meredith in chair] Take me hooo…hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing… no traditions!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[singing] Closing time every new beginning…" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it, but that song means it's time to go home. Now…it's my favorite song." } ], [ { "character": "Andy & Stanley", "line": "[singing] Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Goodnight." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whose your favorite iron chef?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[speaking at the same time as andy] This is atrocious." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You go first." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[runs in and interrupts] Sorry, go ahead." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[to dwight] Did you need something from us?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wha…Yes. Your attention. Uh because… No that is all. [walks out]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted \"We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Umpf…that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Who are they?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture…" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I would agree with that." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Simply…end the mistakes" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "End the mistakes, easy-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I would like that." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So…my pitch is…me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nahh! [shakes head] No. Not Justine. Never Justine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that off again?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ahh…We don't really do those. We just sign the thing." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Are you really this lazy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll be there." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Monday's suck." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Yeaha…yup. [awkward silence then points to door] Just trying to get in." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you got?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ugh…should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sounds controversial." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Go do the voodoo that you do so well." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will do my voodoo." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmhmmm." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "For you?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yes. For Gabe." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Who are you seeing? That's gr…" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..[holds up fist]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "But I mean…uh have you talked to her? Is sh…" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays…" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Do you know her last name, yet?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "She's going to be screaming her own last name?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey! Watch it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Good luck Gabe." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call…Dwight…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What emails are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That's not that bad actually." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "P.S. We should should kill him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, so you installed a doomsday device?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's an accountability booster." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We can't do this Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile…nod. Smile and nod." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like…not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor…" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[alert goes off] Oh, there's one mistake." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Now we only have four strikes left until a home run." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not a doomsday device, gosh. [Erin makes red strike on desk] We can do this you guys." } ], [ { "character": "Warehouse Crew", "line": "First. Second." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's not a race." }, { "character": "Warehouse Crew", "line": "Thirrrr….third." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Who knows what the belt is for?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone." }, { "character": "Warehouse Crew", "line": "Hi, gabe." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Look at this, this is enormous." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard. [Gestures milking a cow]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "It's like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You done?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "The Michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm on it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, maybe I should handle that. We really need you to focus on your project." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Good thinking." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Apparently a big client for this company, needs to know the story of how paper gets made." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes head]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright everybody, you are doing great!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. [Meredith gives dwight the finger]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, question." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No questions." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If this doomsday device goes off..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Accountability booster." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Try mose1234." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like…z64$8. [incorrect password] Not that exactly Jim, something like that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How about Scrantonstrangler666." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha…You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wha…what's Dwight's mothers name." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm…Heda. [alert] No." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Once you read the packet, sign the back." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val…" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Yeah, sure." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Uh." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mmhmm. [points at gabe] Caramel soy latte." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Decaf frap-" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Got it." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Six-seventy, six-twenty." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Nuh uh." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "yes!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What does this mean? What does it mean!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy. [alert sounds]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ohhhh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gahhh. That's five strikes." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[pulls out Brandy bottle] Well…I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight we got five strikes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did the email go out or…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It goes out automatically at five P.M." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We did our best." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. [everyone interjects] What?!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You're a real crumb bum, you know that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Uh, the man tree puts its penis-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nn no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! [erin joins in yelling] Shut it down! Shut it down!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight's car is gone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I bet he went home." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kevin has that lovability." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Guys come on. I'm right here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, where is he?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll try both." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[digging] Oh. Come to reason with me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gotcha something. [gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside] And, uh, I just really want to talk to you-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get lost." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well now hold on it, it-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uhm." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you need a hand?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you hit another horse, you've dug to far." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'll see you next week Will. [at the club, playing squash]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Robert." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Jim what are you…What a surprise." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You up for a game?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "A game or a match?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you okay, Kevin? [Kevin gives thumbs down]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Dwight] Where you going?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In. I'm hungry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009." } ], [ { "character": "Val", "line": "That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "That's what I'm sayin'." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[to Val] Hey. You're welcome." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Thanks for the coffee." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Are you asking me on a date?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yes, I am." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I could quit. Problem solved." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Don't quit. [Darryl eavesdropping, nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Good policy. Sensible. Smart." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "In the box." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In the box. [hits it straight into the floor]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I made a mistake. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! [laughing and drinking Brandy]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's not that funny." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head] Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's \"Nobody's perfect.\" Nice stroke, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, there's just a small matter of a-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Any specific animal?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm thinking cow-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't say cow- Ugh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you doing? It's 5 to 5." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's insane!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just trust me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I got this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Enngh-" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hahhh, thanks for everything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sive drafely. [Pam points back at him, smiling]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Isn't it supposed to be, \"Drive safely\"?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[a text tone goes off] Is that my phone?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Sounded like mine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, oh yeah." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Can I have it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. Right now? Yes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here you go. [throws it over glass]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. [tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[censored beep] ha, Jesus." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Awww, sorry. Did it break?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Nah, it's good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What kinda iPhone is that?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It's the standard one. The one everyone has." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- [texting on his phone]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "My serve!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[her text tones rings] Dwight stopped the device!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Haho!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[his phone vibrates] He stopped it!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh! [everyone yelling out, celebrating] We still have our jobs." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. [pulls cap he previously discarded, out of the dirt] God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Take it easy. Nice and easy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hits ball, ricochets to groin] Ah! Classic, right? [Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oo!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm alright." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You alright?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Skinned knee." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. Ah. Oh. [and skinned elbow]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oo, a little ice on that maybe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. That does not feel good." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Okay. My serve." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's not make any mistakes today. Or at least no more than four." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Y2K all over again." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, I was all about the Y2K bug. Paid some guy to update my PC, threw out my microwave, canceled my plane ticket, sold all my stocks, spent New Year's Eve with a gas mask on my face. I was even wearing a diaper! Someone said Y2K would get the toilets." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This could be real. Dwight's pretty handy with computers. He fixed my laptop once." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, he didn't fix it. The brightness level was all the way down." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You couldn't fix it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I wasn't here that day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes you were." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No- Ok. Well, we'll talk about it later. Straussburg! I had a meeting in Straussburg and I dropped you off beforehand. I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think so, babe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, this is crazy." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have never played squash. But I have seen it in countless 80's movies and it seems like the most common mistake is that you serve too hard and hit yourself right in the squash balls. So, as long as I don't do that, I think I'll be alright." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Eleven love. I win again." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[grunts] Good game. You are a worthy opponent. You wanna play one more?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No? Come on." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Why? Not only are you terrible at squash, but you don't even seem to enjoy it. Jim, this is not enough of a challenge for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, that is... because you didn't realize that... I was left-handed." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What are you doing here, Gabe?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well Darryl, considering that I basically own the place, I'm just chillin' at mi casa. This is me, in repose..I suppose." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You know, there's this expression: Bro's before Ho's. And what that's short for is brothers before whores. Uh, I don't buy that. I would throw any brother under the bus for any whore. Woman." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Robert, do you wanna smoke pipes during our meeting?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Let's wait, until we have something to smoke about." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes. Of course. [whispers] Erin..[throws pipes at Erin]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I'm still figuring out the two man bobsled here, so let's hold off on the D-man for now." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I’m not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who’s calling?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I’m going to refuse to take it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You’re not going to take it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just make up a phone call. It’s not a real call. Make it up." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ohohohoh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And come and tell me. Doesn’t matter what it is." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You’re not going to get it though?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m not going to take it. And then he’s going to be like “whoa this is a really important meeting”." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Copy that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I’ll tell you how we can beat it." }, { "character": "Client", "line": "Uh well we’ve been going with…" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You have a very important call." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m sorry – I’m with a very important client. It’ll have to wait." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Are you sure? It’s really, really important." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really? Because your mother is dead." }, { "character": "Client", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don’t think she’s dead." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "She’s dead. She was hit by a bus." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She’s not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "This isn’t one of those times. It’s the police. They said it’s the worst they’ve ever seen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy I’m really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences." }, { "character": "Client", "line": "Oh you must take this call. It's…" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Um line 1?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Line 2." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[on phone]It’s Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ooh, gosh!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dude." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Officer." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look man this is a bad idea." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did she have any last words or?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Really? That is messed up man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You’re a bad man Andy Bernard." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is so mom." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That stuff can come back to get you. It’s called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle…" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Cathy." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How’s it going? Everything make sense?" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "I think everything is under control." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "You should sit down." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh no, I’m fine." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "No I should go fill out my paperwork." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok [squeaking sound] Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh we know." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m training a temp to be my replacement while I’m on maternity leave. Oh I should’ve mentioned I’m pregnant. You probably didn’t notice because it’s impossible to tell I’m so small. But yeah I’m pregnant. [another squeak] Oh come on!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey – asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm. Doubt it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah me too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You doubt it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What’s that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why do you doubt that she’s single?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Honestly I have no idea. I just figured we’d save her from Ryan right?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What are you doing with my lunch?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m delivering it from the fridge. It’s like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It’s not pizza." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah and we’re not about to make love. I just thought maybe you’d want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh you tell me [Kevin playing drums with chicken legs]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So word on the street is she has a boyfriend." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well he’s probably a drug dealer. That’s the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It’s going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence." }, { "character": "Offscreen", "line": "Good energy" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It’s going to be good to have someone hot at Pam’s desk huh?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, no. Not even." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She’s obviously super cute I get it. But I’d like to point out there’s 50 pounds more of me to love if that’s your thing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam you look more beautiful now than ever." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Radiant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah you have this sexy glow." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "It’s one of the most common fetishes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really well thank you all." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know it’s not just pregnant women who don’t get their due. You know who’s gorgeous? Helen Mirren." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It’s a pregnant Helen Mirren." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you’re saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "In this case yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No we’re not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That’s right. You’re fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[scatting] Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nice scatting, man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Not bad fellas, you're better than you look." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, screw you!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sees Robert California enter] Hey Robert, are we meeting early?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well we're all musicians and we play together sometimes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You're a band." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We're called Kevin and the Zits." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That was never agreed upon." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I miss being in a band." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Miss no more! What do you play? Join us!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I have a tambourine." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Tambourine? You know I’m the CEO, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Kevin] CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Again, never agreed upon." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you're in a rock and roll band with somebody, you're bonded for life!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Usually that life is short and tragic. That's okay, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, even cooler." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We all got to go sometime." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Helen Mirren. Hot?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Super pretty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Huh. What about Cathy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The temp?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Do you think she's hot?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not asking if you're in to her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I'm telling you, I don't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You don't find Cathy attractive?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I don't." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I’m not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? [Jim leaves]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's just absurd." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, because she's hot, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, am I hot right now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What about before? Was I attractive before?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm. I think Jim’s lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You think Jim’s lying? [laughs] That's so cute. I know he's lying." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Five bucks if you can get him to admit it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep, that's the Dwight I need." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think so. Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rule two: we stop at nothing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, what does that... is that... okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rule three: Don't fall in love." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep, good." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We're gonna bust this guy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Honesty is very important to me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So important. And then we will destroy the man himself." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's just see how we feel when we get there." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "None taken. What do you got?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy's hot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer] Hey, you found us!" }, { "character": "Curtis", "line": "You guys sound great, man." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to drummer] Dude, you're on TV! You’re the sportscaster on channel seven." }, { "character": "Drummer", "line": "Go Eagles! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You do that on TV!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You guys mind if they join us?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, absolutely!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Guys, I've got some instruments right here. [holds up tambourine and güiro]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, why don't you and me play those?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah? Okay, this is awesome." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What should we play?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Maybe we should warm up with some scales?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Midnight Rambler?" }, { "character": "Curtis", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Midnight what?" }, { "character": "Curtis", "line": "[singing] Have you heard about the midnight rambler? [Lisa, the guitarist, enters] Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I stand corrected." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mike Tibbets, really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not his mom's car." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Touche?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[sees photo of Mike Tibbets] Eww!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kelly, calm down." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think Jim cares about his hair." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim's on to me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just ugly enough to have deniability." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm gonna write something mean on his wall." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Kelly, don't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there." }, { "character": "Pam & Kelly", "line": "With the crotch?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "With the crotch." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[music plays] Whoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Psst. We're not here. [slips Toblerone candy to Creed]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Who said that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "How'd I get this long triangle?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, just shut it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is he puffing out his chest?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. [Jim says something and Cathy laughs] Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. Maybe he just said something funny." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think he's just making her laugh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Time for me to find out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why's he making her laugh so much?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just going to walk over here- [fake trips] whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! [grabs Jim's crotch]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm fine, I'm totally fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight! Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes? [Jim pushes Dwight's hands away] Wha- Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Cathy] Sorry about that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aw, cramp, I'm just- [grabs Jim's crotch again]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight! [pushes Dwight's hands away] Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Leave." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Pam] Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why was he making her laugh so much?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey, I'll just be a second." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Yeah, take your time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "[to Jim] Oh, that line from Zoolander?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm?" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "It was from a deleted scene so we were both right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] Told you." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar, Cathy has a question!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And she called it nuts?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you serious? From Star Trek?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[to Val] Hey, you caught some of that?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "I caught it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What, you don't like the blues?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, we are playing. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us. [music starts]" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "I think the music left without you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop shoving me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[mocking] Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This could all go away if you just tell me the truth." }, { "character": "Old Man", "line": "Uh, are you all in line?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? [to Jim] Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Si." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is." }, { "character": "Old Man", "line": "You have to share the machine with others." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[mimicking] Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Dwight, come on. [to old man] You can go first." }, { "character": "Old Man", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, are you serious?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Maybe we could switch instruments." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "'Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We had to leave because of creative differences." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No man, we are." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well-" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, no, no." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to old man] Okay, you're done." }, { "character": "Old Man", "line": "I have a new heart, you know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yep, he's lying." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah, see, was that so hard?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am not lying." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, you have high blood pressure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, he is definitely attracted to her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, but I don't smoke." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When was the last time you went to the doctor?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just go home. It doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But... hey, Cece's toothbrush." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy & Darryl", "line": "Oh baby I love your way." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Every day." }, { "character": "Andy & Darryl", "line": "Wanna be with you night and day." }, { "character": "Darryl & Kevin", "line": "And day." }, { "character": "Andy & Darryl", "line": "Oh baby I love your way." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[scatting] Rudit-do-do-do-di-do." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, kill me!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so... Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispers to Jim] I'm gonna do it." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[after Angela gives her a stack of files]: I'm going into labor!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Or should I have corndogs. I mean-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm going into labor!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm going into labor." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here we go!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey guys, uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's not fair, you guys." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Pitiful." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's stupid." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Never cry wolf." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. [liquid splatters]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! Oh!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Oh! Oh my goodness!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm really in labor! This is happening!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay guys, here we go! We'll see you!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How do you feel?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Drive carefully!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good luck!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Goodbye! Good luck! [empty bottle falls to the ground]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "False alarm." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on the phone] What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients- it's like a war out there." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's right here in PA." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[gags, coughs] Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That sounds super inspiring! I'm in!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually it is the northernmost." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Charge!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, this could be fun. I-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's the halal option?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there. I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But... who's coming with me?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm in." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm in too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[passes out hats] One for you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Cool. Thanks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And one for you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cool. Thanks. [puts his hat on Erin's head]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And- oh. You missed your head. [laughs and puts hat on Jim's head] There you go. Phyllis, think fast!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it. I'd be rooting for it." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, all right, all right." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Not food and stuff." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here. Like it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you've got to get the fire pit." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The fire pit is a no-brainer." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh, hi there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Where is everyone? Where is Andy?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don't be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! [wakes her up] Excited!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[tries stapler/marker combo] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You guys..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "J-j-j-ju..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Get excited!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Shh! Movie's almost over." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right! We're here. Limitless can wait." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.'" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I got Source Code on the way back." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Ooh! All right!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Woo!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa, where you going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, sign says \"Begin tour here.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[to Dwight] Yeah, but I'm confused..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. [laughs] I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight, what are you telling this girl?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The truth." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Interesting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "he's a historian." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, yes, yes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not by a long shot!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it was not!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Argh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Erin-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Get out of here!" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "May I go first?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "That was bad." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "In the African-American community-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[murmurs] Thought it was worth a try." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?" }, { "character": "Park Ranger", "line": "Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me, I got a question for you." }, { "character": "Park Ranger", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?" }, { "character": "Park Ranger", "line": "Uh, I haven't heard of that one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho!" }, { "character": "Chelsea", "line": "[taps Gabe's shoulder] Are you Lincoln?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "No, no, I'm-" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it.\nChelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Okay, Quick." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Hey! Lincoln's starting. [light applause]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- [laughter] Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. [laughter]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I am not." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Cookies. Cookie placement." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? [everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs] There you go. Consensus." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[as Lincoln] I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits." }, { "character": "Audience", "line": "No!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "'Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... [scoffs] like, forget it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hunger for hamburger." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's good." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? [holds up flag] I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Only two hundred dollars?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Spangler Springs is a mile this way." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh wow. So that’s two miles if you incorporate the walk back." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Its… I mean come on." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don’t think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright fine. You know what – I guess this place just hasn’t rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I’m still going. And I’m not going to ask anymore. I’m not even going to look back. I’m just going to assume that you’re with me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Andy looks back to find everyone sitting] You said you weren’t going to look back." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don’t know." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Right. I mean you’re an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes. I am an accountant." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight – this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms." }, { "character": "Archivist", "line": "Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You’ve heard about it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on." } ], [ { "character": "Archivist", "line": "There you go." }, { "character": "Narrator", "line": "Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front." }, { "character": "Soldier", "line": "Dearest mother I’m sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hallowed ground." }, { "character": "Narrator", "line": "But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war." }, { "character": "Amanda", "line": "[on film] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers – these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive… and well… fabulous." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’ve seen enough." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You’re right. There should be a monument to this." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Never trust a cookie with a woman’s name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They’ll just break your heart." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[laughing] Kevin!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What?!? No!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It’s really, really good Robert. Let me explain." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He’s trying to steal it because he’s jealous of me." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well what is the idea?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. [patting Kevin on the back] That is 100 percent your idea." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[making pencil imprint] Dammit." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You guys came. Where’s everyone else?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah sorry everyone else didn’t come. I think they’re just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Even without an audience you’re still at it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That’s what you did with this trip." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy – this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It’s just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you’re our regional manager. And guess what man? You don’t have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don’t believe me take a look at what’s on my head. I’m wearing a very pink hat. I’ve been getting weird looks all day because I’m pretty sure “DM does GB” means something kinda sexual. But guess who’s wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That’s huge." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You don’t like the hats?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They’re terrible." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I hate myself." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They just didn’t turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[voiceover the three walking] The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that’s good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it’s really more like they’re just people who work in an office and I’m their manager. Yeah that’s really probably a better analogy now that I think about it." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. [in Lincoln voice] Oh Mary this is wonderful… Ok Mary stop your scolding. I’ll be quiet. [aside to the audience] I need her like I need a hole in the head! [scattered chuckles from the crowd] [Gabe raises his hand with a finger pointed in the shape of a gun to his head] BANG! Ooh [Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps, Gabe picks up the Lincoln hat, bows, runs to the crowd and trades it back for his pink “DM does GB” hat and runs off]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Haha! There he is. You mind lending a hand? I'm typing up a memo to share your ideas with the board." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can do that." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Great....ok." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Your arm feels good on my back." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "For some reason, my boss is obsessed with cookies. It's not my specialty. My specialty is pizza. But I'm flexible." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Charge!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Isn't Gettysburg like three hours away?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No. It's like two hours and forty-six minutes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's kind of a haul, so we should probably get going. And tuna, I made a special sandwich for you, guess which kind." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tuna?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! Tuna of the land. Turkey. With pesto." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And to drink?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Water." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh-ho, I am in." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm excited, I've actually never been to Gettysburg. Uh, my family was gonna go once, but then my brothers convinced me if was full of dead soldier zombies, so I freaked out and we turned the car around. But I'm older now, I can outrun a zombie." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Getting everyone on the bus, check. Giving everyone hats, check. Sexiest eastern European girls, uh, check." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, Devil's Den is that way, we should check it out. That's where the snipers hid." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Please! Everyone and their mother goes to Devil's Den. It's the Olive Garden of Gettysburg." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I like Olive Garden." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I meant that in a bad way. Obviously it tastes good, but it's not cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where do all the cool kids go when they come to this consecrated ground?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is what I'm showing you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know what you guys are all thinking right now: Hey, let's go pee on the grave of some confederate soldiers, but you know what? Joke's on you. It only makes the flowers grow back more beautifully." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Best thing you can do for the deceased is to pee on their graves. Then you dance and work the urine into the root systems. Doesn't hurt to have a smile on your face, either." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Guys! Over here, we found the bus." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Open the door, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's locked." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Are you sure? Yeah, it's locked." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not locked, gimme that..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's weird, if it's not locked, why isn't it opening?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's, it's latched closed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, you know what? Andy probably has the number for this guy. I'm gonna find him." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll come with you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ow! Ee! I sat on my sandwich." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And that's how the printing press was invented." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[enters office doing Michael Jackson impression] Everybody beat it. Don't beat it, stay where you are." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "There you are. Dillinger Graphics said their shipment is late." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What did you say?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Nothing, I just-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What would you say?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That it'll be the first shipment out today." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is exactly the right thing to say! Do it! Git-er-done! Phyllis, you just married Joe Order, you're new name is Phyllis Order [fill this order], get it?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't get it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim, in regards to our high-five scheduled for four PM today, it has been moved up to now. Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We didn't have one scheduled." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[knocks water bottle on to Jim's desk] Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you’re in a suicide cult." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No. No. No. You’re way off on that one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh yeah?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey guys let’s just all admit it. Ok? Dwight’s better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he’s never, ever going to go back on it right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s right Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[jumping up from an almost sitting position] Hey." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Taking a load off huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Putting a load on more like it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Good luck with that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Last thing I need is luck. [hunches down again]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Angela] Thank you so much. [hums]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sees a pole poking out Dwight’s pant leg] What are you up to? Oops look out! [grabs Dwight's wallet]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Prank! [throws money from Dwight’s wallet on the floor]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh that’s real creative." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what it’s not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could, but I just don’t feel like it loser." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because you’re sitting?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Standing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don’t!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because you’re sitting?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Standing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know I have to do this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. [Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[signing his name] Andrew… Baines… Bernard." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you could just do Andy Bernard." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it’s like taking a test, but I know the answers." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[loudly knocking on the window] In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. [to Mrs. California] There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t know. He wasn’t talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn’t hire his wife." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That’s why my foundation – The Dream for a Wish Foundation – is going to put them out of business. They’re not going to know what hit them." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Everyone. I’d like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Hello. Oh call me Susan please." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she’s here today to see if there’s a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Hello nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey there. It’s a pleasure." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she’ll shine." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We’re 100 percent staffed up." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy. Let’s see if there’s a good fit first. Then we’ll talk." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You don’t have to say it if you’re doing it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh weight lifting yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well today’s your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I’ll take a look." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your path from obesity begins right here!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I’ve been meaning to join a gym. [narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val] For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn’t realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright! The DM Express is pulling out." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Well it was really nice to meet you Brian." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Actually Ryan." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Oh, Ryan." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Bitttch!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We will start here at Erinville." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hoo-hoo!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Reception. Your classic one-man operation." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn’t you agree Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’ll explore exploring it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I’ll just duck out and run the company for a while." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. [Jim laughs nervously] Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well it’s sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe you do. Hi. I’m Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It’s paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well it’s not that easy. It’s kind of sometimes difficult." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s the second easiest job in the world. [to camera] Being a mom." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is true." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight why don’t you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe over a beer after she’s closed her first sale [makes gun click noise]." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Well make that a red wine and I’ll tell you my animal rankings [makes gun click noise back]." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? [montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan]. The entire office is being nice to her than they’ve ever been to me. What I wouldn’t give for one of Phyllis’ classic room clearing farts right now." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ready? What do you think?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You haven’t even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke [squats, grunts and lifts] Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station [tries and fails to tear a phone book in half]. You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let’s go over membership. I’m going to need the first month’s and the last month’s up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month…" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I’m not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Darryl... [picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Make a real gym." } ], [ { "character": "Susan", "line": "I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Uh I could work in customer service. HR even." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Those are fully staffed as well." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Are you telling me that there’s no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[laughing nervously] Yes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there’s no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don’t we just let it go." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There are lots of considerations." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I would be eternally grateful. It’s not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright. Well then welcome aboard." } ], [ { "character": "Susan", "line": "So what happens next?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. [phone rings] Hang on. Hello?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[on phone] Say hello grandma." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi gam-gam." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hold one finger up to Susan. You’ll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, “are you taking your medicine?”" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you taking your med-meds?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. [Robert and Andy hang up phones]" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "You didn’t say goodbye to your grandma." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We promised we’d never say goodbye." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "All I need is another gym. As if I don’t have enough drama." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Who’s spotting who? Don’t use the bike in the corner. That’s Bruce’s. Jeremy says…" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Enough Oscar, enough." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kelly?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Did you bring your passport with you?" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Who walks around with their passport?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, I do. Always ready for adventure." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Have you had any?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sees Susan is busy in the annex] Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her?" }, { "character": "Andy & Oscar", "line": "it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How can we do that? She's simply wonderful." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is all pathetic." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am not asking, I am ordering." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How mean are we talking about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Here you go. [gives Susan a tiny stapler]" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well that's a sales desk." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's Gerald. [hands phone to Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, wow. So cute." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Oh, that is so cute-" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[grabs phone] Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, he's in a ladle." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He did it himself." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Is that ladle stainless or..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup. [Jim chuckles]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's not that kind of ladle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Very cute. [holds out the phone]" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Aw, let me see-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[grabs phone] Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this." } ], [ { "character": "Susan", "line": "I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert." } ], [ { "character": "Susan", "line": "Your employees don't seem to be taking to me." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in robot voice] What is going on?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[chuckles] Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you?" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Do you not want me here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why would you say that?" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's not that, exactly." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "But it is something." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Why would you not want me working here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! The dude is an enigma." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah... [stammers]" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Got it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you think you're doing?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Getting my sweat on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eight minutes!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? [points] I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's Lejon Brames." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's what I said." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You know, get it right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Susan] Cameras..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[enters] Oh, still here. Terrific." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well that's a shame." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It just was one of those things-" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "You sure about that?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "No games?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No games." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Why do you keep looking at my husband?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, just answer the question." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No games?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No games." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, \"in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.\" [laughs]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You lying son of a bitch!" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Tell my wife you're lying." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am lying. I am a compulsive liar." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "That's not true, is it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "This is preposterous." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Robert..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Let's get Jim in here. [Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim] Where's Jim?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He just rolled out and crawled out." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Hank who is closing the gate] Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay. [runs]" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[sees Jim's abandoned car] That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[shoe falls while climbing ladder] Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. [grunts] Creed. I was never here, all right?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Okay. What about your friend?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh boy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Okay, I'm not doing that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I didn't know Darryl joined." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Looks that way." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Nice pelvic bowl. Deep." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hello Jim. [Jim tries to escape]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[grabs Jim's leg] No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna!" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "So I think you know what we want to know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do I?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[mutters] I know, I do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can..." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[laughs] I think we've got ourselves an answer." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect!" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Jim..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Answer the question, please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sighs] I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "All right. Thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. All right. Great. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Susan", "line": "[Robert holds the door, she walks through] Thank you. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[claps Andy's shoulder] Heh." } ], [ { "character": "Susan", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Mrs. California." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Yeah, I thought we really hit it off." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Well, different circumstances." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Who knows?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who knows?" }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "Maybe after all this settles down..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Totally." }, { "character": "Susan", "line": "It's a date." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dwight, come back and spot me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "To push this bar up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Help me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you want!?!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "To look good for Val!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "They say that if you can strengthen your core, it improves your sexual performance. So, you will find me on the Ab-Blaster. And then you will find me blasting...uh, a very nice young woman." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Gotta get in shape. I'm doing Ironman next month. And I want him to be attracted to me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, what are you listening to?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Steve Martin. [laughs, then falls] uh, I'm fine. [grunts]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Um, where's the shower?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is no shower." }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "There isn't?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What does this look like, a shower store? Get lost." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You have got to be kidding me! No shower?!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Exercise lengthens life. Improves mood, boosts sex drive, and I've already covered the BM of it all. It's miraculous the effect that I will have on their lives." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, Roberto Californio doesn't want to work with his wife. I get it. And, he wants to give his wife a job. Totally get it. What I am struggling with is the part of this that's impossible." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I love my wife." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "This whole thing is making me very uncomfortable. I'm not getting between the boss and his wife so just ask me about something else. You know Stanley's tie is really the story of the day..." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's my birthday." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, so that's a disaster. Luckily have a two-part plan. One, run. Two, hide. It's pretty smart, right? [walks into Vance Refrigeration office] Hi, how you doing? I'm Jim Halpert from across the hall. We are redoing our supply closet and I was wondering if I could take a look at yours for some ideas." }, { "character": "Bob's Secretary", "line": "Let me just check with Bob." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You absolutely should. He said it was ok, so till you get him, I'll just be in, you know. [closes door behind him to supply closet]" }, { "character": "Bob's Secretary", "line": "[on phone] Bob? Jim just went into the closet." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ugh! He's always one step ahead of us! How does he do that?" }, { "character": "Mrs. California", "line": "This is insulting!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "This whole accusation is insulting. Come on." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Singing as if he were the dolls in his office] Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! [Normal voice] Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Holiday wishes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's that, Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We know exactly what holiday you're referring to." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't want no Kwanza wreath, I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's it's own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What is the status on my wish?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where? Dark side or light side?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Light side." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent....beachfront." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica....C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's not your grandmother, is she?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's OK, I don't want you to do that." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[laughing] Hello, ah. Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Eww, what is that?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, man." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hey! [Kevin embraces Robert in a tight hug] Oh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well you came to the right place....Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop.....ah, heartbreaking. [gestures to Andy in Santa costume]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. [puts on baseball cap that has a foam rear-end on it with the words “HARD ASS”] But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It wasn't me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It wasn't either of you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kathy wants to leave our clump?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. [punches Jim in the arm]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ow, What are you doing? [Jim fights back]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam never seemed to have a problem with us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can't do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, absolutely not." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells." } ], [ { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Jessica. Yes. We don't say hi, we hug. [gets up and hugs Jessica] I'm Erin." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Oh! [laughs] Oof!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My ex is meeting my sex....which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my penis. [laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek] Hi." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did. [Jessica laughs, Erin exaggerates back curve]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh no." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Ah..[laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Spontaneous scoliosis. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Isn't that just for popsicles?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Popsicles?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. [laughs] I, in my, I..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "You had me at “clookies.” I can't wait to find out what they are." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "What should I wear?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "I will look so handsome for you, Darryl." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah...[sees Dwight's wallet and open email] I'm gonna s- [see's Dwight watching from break room]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing....I get really pranky when I drink." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Erin, what can I get for you?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Will do." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "One, two three! [group takes shots]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "OK. [takes shot, group laughs]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Mmm. Wow." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Jiminey Christmas indeed." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hit 'er up." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh yes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife...from me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughing] Boom!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "But look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...[Val walks in dressed very formally] whoa, hello. Um, you're allowed to do..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Good cookie." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I thought you'd wear a sweater." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Since when does a sweater mean “dressed up”? Am I your grandson?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[imitating Stanley] I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. [group laughs] and then I want my nap!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's right. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Whoo! [group laughs] Thank you." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "She, she is remarkable." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Edgy impressions." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "A thousand." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! Maybe you should take a break." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[serious] Maybe you should mind your own business. [normal voice] Just kidding!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh my god." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello? Lacerated hand here folks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice try, this is ridiculous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Three times." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You see?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, you've gotta be kidding me." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come down right away!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone]Uh, I don't know, let me ask. [to Dwight] Uh, were you quilled?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I was quilled." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And what's it's name?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Henrietta." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oops. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I'm so happy you guys are together. OK? [Andy and Jessica laugh] And you both have such beautiful hair." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "[laughs] Thank you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I hope you guys get married....and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. [blows kisses and pushes Andy and Jessica's faces together.] Ah! [laughs] OK, well I'm gonna go do another reverse spit. That's how the cool kids say “get a drink”. [blows kisses and dances away]" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "That's uh, that's the girl you dated." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um..." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "No, she, she seems fine." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, uh, excuse me." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yep. [leaves Jessica to talk to Erin] Hey!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Every martini has an olive." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah, OK." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's about you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[slurring slightly] It's that I wish Jessica was dead." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar? [Andy leaves]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So, there was talk of oatmeal." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Yeah. Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I swear..." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Did you not..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was too embarrassed! [group laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. [shows picture of Cici with devil doodles] Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Is that Cici?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. It is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's awful." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cici is Jim's daughter." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Oh my god. How could somebody do that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, any one, pick one. Not my kid though." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know who did this....Dwight." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He should pay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "O...K." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's, I mean." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it’s a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's no accident." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll figure it out, get to the bottom of it....Merry merry." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Enough of this garbage. [harshly places boom box on table and hits play] This is Christmas. [Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays. Dwight plays air violin/guitar and sings along] Hi-yah!!!!! [gabe, Creed and Nate join in as shots show various gift giving] Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You alright, Santa?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No...I don't, hmm, I don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. I will definitely do that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, I'll tell Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? You're sitting, and thinking, and it's probably better if it comes from me anyway." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Christmas miracles do happen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. They totally do." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You can't click on these Kardashian links, that's why you have so many viruses." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well help me, OK? Just, uh take..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm trying but you need to-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yo." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Game on." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "On it." } ], [ { "character": "Jessica", "line": "[group laughing] I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Jessica, did you just fart? [group stops laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And that, is how it's done." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I would like another alcohol." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler..does anyone have any chocolate shavings?" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Your heart is broken. So is mine." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "And what?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And you have any advice or anything?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No [laughs] my god." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "...Help me feel better..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice....I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better." } ], [ { "character": "Nate", "line": "When you do your makeup," }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "How long you, does it take usually? Cause..." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Um, it ta-, um it depends." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "…..Chad Flendermen's kryptonite. [Darryl walks up to Toby and Val in a tuxedo]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hi." } ], [ { "character": "Jessica", "line": "I'll see you at home?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK great." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "OK" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Perfect." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Bye [kiss]...I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab and pay for it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Oh" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Either he drives or I drive. Now I'm drunk and mad." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "OK [laughs] Bye." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK, bye. [helps Meredith off the floor] Alright Meredith," }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thank you Santa." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You bet." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. [laughs] and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer," } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's go, let's go." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I know, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hang on." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Alright. [Andy opens back of her van, things fall out]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Whoa! My stuff!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What is all that?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's my valuables!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's junk!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "This is my treasures, no they're my treasures!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're a hoarder. My god!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No I'm not, I'm gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah! My Santa suit's stuck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs while spray painting “Jim is Awesome” on his own car, talks to porcupine in carrier] What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Where are we? This ain't my street." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh my god." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you, goodnight." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What are you smiling for? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ow! Take it easy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoo." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[yawns, “Idiot” is written on his forehead] Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something......C'mon, Jim. [shakes head] I got nothin'." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Where can I get a drink? Oh..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, uh. Well, we thought we wouldn't put the alcohol out till 11AM. It's just...common...decency." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Par for the course. Par for the...freaking course. I'll be in the party room having a cookie until 11. Haha! Yule-log." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Not destroyed. No..... Not destructive. Quite...off-kilter, sure. But... that's too vague. [long pause] Erratic. Darkly erratic. [laughs awkwardly] That's my mood." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Cake?...You seem a little down." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I am. [laughs] I'm a mess." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "How about I fix you some warm milk with some bourbon?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh, that sounds nice." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Maybe watch a movie...under a blanket..." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Lovely. Wait, where is this taking place?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "The Murphy bed of my basement." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What...is happening to me? [pause] The lines in your haggard face are paths that lead nowhere. Your hair is the fire of hell. [hugs Meredith] I sincerely hope you find a sexual partner tonight." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's come to my attention that someone, who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cathy wants to leave our clump?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Enjoy your new clump." }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's so much closer to the bathroom, right?" }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry it didn't work out. Hope you find what you're looking for." }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "No, I just have more room." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You'll be fine over there." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[talking loudly] Sorry guys, Jim! This package came for you, do you want me to put it on your desk?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That'd be great, thank you. [Erin throws package, it hits Kathy. She thinks it was Jim who threw it]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, I got this bucket from Jim's garage and I filled it with everything disgusting. Except excrement. I can't wait to see the look on his face when that falls on my face. [laughs, then camera shows bucket being dumped on Kathy] Dammit Kathy!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "For the past month, I have been collecting wishes from everyone in the office, and I intend to make good on every single one of them." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, I see." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now look, I may not have a great laugh like Santa, or a flying sled. But tell you what I do have. A Prius, a heart of freaking gold...." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, you got it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "...and an American Express green card." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ryan, for your holiday wish, you wanted ten sick days." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'd be satisfied with eight." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well I'll do you one better." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Nine?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I got you health insurance." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, neat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! Right? But with great perks come great responsibility, so I'm gonna be expecting a lot more from you...no more zoning out in your office." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, great." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh yeah!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Aw!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You really have to say \"oh yeah\" every time you eat a candy bar?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. [takes another bite] Oh yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, done." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... [overlapping chatter]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, here we go! Everybody get read in three, two, good luck, one-" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[writing on board] Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You can write a book about chairs." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Books! Excellent, Jim." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[gasps] Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? [scattered applause]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute for Robert California!" }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Dwight? What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gabe? You don't know?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Course I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Corporate says to me, “Gabe, we need you in Scranton.” Scranton says, “Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there.” So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Robert." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You made it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. [Gabe laughs] Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very good." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to \"play ball.\" Those were his words." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So make that error!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy, no-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey! I can make that error." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[clicks tongue] Aw..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, I-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. [to Oscar] What do you say?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Any other crunch time, I would love to stay in, cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO, but tonight is Triviocalypse!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my friends, they're committed to me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what? Go. Have fun." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop right there. I love it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't even say what it is." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's trivia." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's a great idea." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's a great plan." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah? You like it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, good stuff." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, \"this sounds really stupid.\"" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You just made a good idea, a great idea." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There is one problem with this plan." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[on the phone] You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Meat grinder." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Dwight. Today is not my day at all, I'm afraid. I'm not going to be able to meet with you, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But I can give you this pitch in one minute-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No, he's going to meet with you later. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay? Trust me. Meet with Bill. He's a great person to know. I'll dialogue with him tonight. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Still an important position. Still a chief." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You're really going to like Bill. He, uh, he has me toilet a lot of people for him. [Dwight sighs, Gabe's phone rings] Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Your wish is my command." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It's a command." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't believe this. What are you doing here, Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What? No!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And you guys thought this was a good idea?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought it was a fun idea." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always going to- this is a gay bar." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes! It's a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "No. Nah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? [laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. [Oscar’s friend walks up] Not anything." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good luck." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Good-timers follow me." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Backups. [Jim goes to join the backups]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A-team." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... [looks at Kevin, who has joined the A-team]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There's a table over here." } ], [ { "character": "Host", "line": "All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, we got this!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Atlanta." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "My cousins were actually at those Olympics." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Keep talking all you want." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. \"Atlanta, Georgia\" is the correct answer. [Kevin holds up “What is...SEE-attle”]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hey man, uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire, so your appointment got-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sniffs] There's no fires within eight miles of here." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, it's nine miles away. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? No, no. Excuse me! Lady! Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant!" }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "This must be very frustrating." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I can see you in the jungle now." } ], [ { "character": "Host", "line": "Okay, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shawn Marion." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes, Shawn Marion." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wrong, for so many reasons." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ron Artest, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. \"Lamar Odom\" is what we were looking for. \"Lamar Odom\" Thank you. [scattered cheers]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nicely done!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Chill, man. This plan is airtight." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it!" }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Well, you got my vote." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Most of all, I believe that character is destiny. And my character is one that- wait why are you smiling?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's with the smile?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You're doing great. You know, so good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon, behind us." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand. Flush! [Gabe makes a flushing motion, Dwight twists Gabe's arm] Ow!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Take me to Robert." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ow! He went home." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Take me to his house." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know where it is. Lead me there." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ow! Ow! Stephanie, help!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Host", "line": "Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder-Mifflin A-team? Excuse me, sir?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... [laughter] but you can't check smart phones during trivia, it's against the rules." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, I'm turning it off." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Okay, you're not turning it off." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I won't look at it." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Sir?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can't- I can't not touch it." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Okay, then we're going to have to take it away. [employee takes the phone] Thank you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look, I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. [Oscar's team touches fingers] The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. [a team of hairy men growl] Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[claps] All right." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. [the \"just-for-fun” Dunder-Mifflin team cheers] Ladies Gaga have five points. [more cheering]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which one is it?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I don't know. All I know is the building." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Robert! Robert California! Robert!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102." } ], [ { "character": "Host", "line": "All right guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait. Except for the Einsteins. That's all right. Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round. So let's get everyone some bells. In third place we have the Einsteins." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh yeah!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What! [cheers]" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "In second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears." }, { "character": "Queerenstein Bears", "line": "Whoo! Let's go!" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "And, in first place, is Aesop's Foibles." }, { "character": "Oscar's friend", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, we're going to get clobbered." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- [Erin rings bell] Einsteins?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl. [Oscar rings bell]" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Aesop's?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Salman Rushdie." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Salman Rushdie is correct. [applause] Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? [Erin rings bell]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Flying jib." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause]" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Shalom. [sighs] Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. [grunt] I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. [slaps the mat, they wrestle]" }, { "character": "Stu", "line": "Grab my knee!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yay Robert!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge." } ], [ { "character": "Host", "line": "According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents." }, { "character": "Oscar's friend", "line": "[rings bell] Boom! ADHD!" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "No. [another bell rings]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "That's correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[dances] Whoo! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Sir-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Go Einsteins!" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Dial it back, this isn't Tail Feathers, okay? [laughter]" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No thank you." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Sit down, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, \"table for one?\" How is this possible?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You were dining alone? All those people are you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, exactly. Riddle number two: Who is going-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ah-ah-ah- your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "N... it's complicated." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[holds a medal to the light] This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? [holds out medal]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a job interview, not a flea market." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Host", "line": "Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, come on!" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? [bell rings]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Three hundred pounds!" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "Point for the Einsteins. [applause] Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[rings bell, answers in French] Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon." }, { "character": "Oscar's friend", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Host", "line": "I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[rings bell] Les Jolies Choses." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film." }, { "character": "Host", "line": "The Einsteins win it! [applause]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No! Come on!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one." } ], [ { "character": "Stonewall Host", "line": "Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home." } ], [ { "character": "Stonewall Host", "line": "Riboflavin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[holds up \"Robitussin\"] Riboflavin?" }, { "character": "Stonewall Host", "line": "Michigan. [Kevin holds up \"A Mitten\"] The President of the United States is \"P.O.T.U.S.\" [Kevin holds up \"P.O.T.A.T.O.”] John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. [Kevin holds up \"The California Raisins\"]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Cause it's like, really..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Einsteins! Great work." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what I thought would be fun? Is we do like uh, a switch-em-up maybe? Since only one of us needs to win, maybe I can get Kevin and Kelly and put together an all-star team?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Andy, there is no switching teams." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Andy, we're fine. We don't wanna switch. We're already like, the perfect unit." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright. Well just stay focused, try to concentrate." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Whoo! Brought some brain food." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Having fun." }, { "character": "Meredith & Kelly", "line": "One, two, three...[team takes shots]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "When I dropped out of school to watch more sports, a lot of people thought that I was nuts. Well who's laughing now?" } ], [ { "character": "Announcer", "line": "Say “Shalom” to your shrubs on this Jewish holiday that celebrates the new year for trees." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Tu Bishvat!" }, { "character": "Announcer", "line": "That's correct." }, { "character": "Einsteins", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Announcer", "line": "Point for the Einsteins." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hey, is it true that you're not allowed to spend time with your girlfriend during the month of Tu Bishvat?" }, { "character": "Announcer", "line": "Uh, I don't think so." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Ryan lies to me and says he has a whole Jewish holiday for an entire month....." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It gets better, kids. It gets so much better that one day, your stupid coworkers will be excited to show up at your gay bar and ruin your trivia night." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, if you're not going to help us out by buying our own paper, could you sell eight hundred dollars more paper than usual today? That would be amazing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, it's the last day of the quarter. We've already called all our clients, so making that much in a day is going to be tough." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not helping, tuna." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah, I'm sitting on twenty-five hundred in sales I can make at any time but those are my wait till the separation is legal sales." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We gotta figure this out. Think of the look on Robert's face when we tell him we met our 8% goal." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, will we get to see that look?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, that's why...that's why I said think of it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, we're gonna do our best. But you know what? At the end of the day seven point...whatever percent is pretty good." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, it is, Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Have I mentioned that it's also quite good for amateur animation? [flips crude animation of stick figures representing him and Robert] Took me two weeks." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You've been meatballed! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are you ready for some meatball?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Look for your stapler!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight's car] What's the haul?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thirty-two meatballs." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Good day." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That idiot's been feeding us for a week." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We'll never have to buy meatballs again." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, who needs a house that size?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'm selling the house, actually." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, please tell Susan we all say hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin, no." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What, as some sort of last hoorah?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That was you, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It was me." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's no problem. You live right near me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How do you know where I live?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Andy followed you home after the Christmas party." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "It's almost too warm." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, so close. Eighty-one." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[to Cathy] Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "[to Jim] Hey, late guy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You should see the whole thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'm just about to give the tour." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Join us. You must see what you were laughing about." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I must..." } ], [ { "character": "Jessica", "line": "[looks at pool] Wow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[hides ring] Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "[sees Andy's hand in his pocket] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh]" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I'm good." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How is everything? How's your car?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, like a goodbye trip." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. What?" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Val. You made it." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Yup, yup." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "You know, you are just as dumb at night." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mmm. [they clink cups]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "No, show me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Dive in right here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "In a minute. In a minute." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Okay. You don't know what you're doing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A minute would be cool." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, Dwight Snoot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm relaxing. Scram. [pushes her]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where... [finds pants, looks for ring]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Come on, don't you want to play?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh really?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[sees wine collection] Holy cow!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Wine collection." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How many bottles? Three hundred?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Robert, you are too kind." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Too kind doesn't begin to cover it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "And Gabe-y makes three." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Why?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I don't know. Maybe not. Just come." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Dwight dunks her] Oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[giggles] Oh Dwight!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[giggles] Stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You stop." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, you stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you stop." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, you can stop." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, no, no, he's not looking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you can stop." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You can actually stop." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "The main stone's missing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know. It looks pretty great to me." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good night." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[raises wine bottle] To the kitchen!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "To the kitchen!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "To the kitchen. Onward!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Note? It's a symphony." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I would love that." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[to Val] You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "You in?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What is the most romantic possible thing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We can get some chicken fights going in the pool." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you." }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're in my way!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Chicken fight!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No thanks." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dang it! What the heck already?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah- oh!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders] Yes! Woo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woohoo! Yes!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. I could just bang you right now." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey!" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "To both these bears." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "To both these bears." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Bears." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "To both these bears." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I don't think you're being silly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh God. [takes off ring]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "[to Andy] Come on. Let's chicken fight those two." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "[comes up from under water] How was that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "No, I'm good. Thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim." } ], [ { "character": "Jessica", "line": "[knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders] Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "One more?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Mush, mush, mush! Come on!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Go! Okay. Yeah." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wow!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I cannot believe you're still up!" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "I cannot believe it either." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I've got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[coughs up water] Erin, did we win?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sure. Sure we did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're lying. We didn't win." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We're in the pool!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Shut it, Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not what I asked." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're done. Erin and I are over." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] You're an idiot." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh-uh. Uh-uh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Oh I've got him!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let's do this!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Erin swims up with ring] Wow." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "The Bernard family seal. Duh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Duh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry if your special night was ruined." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, you weren't going to do that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "To madness." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "To madness." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "To madness. [Robert laughs]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "To madness." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "And I am Bacchus's friend!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And there's my talking point." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "So leave." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Two pools. A divider. A bridge. Good choice. It says everything about everything, right Robert?" }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "What's the water like?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, it is warm." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Robert's house is, well....I don't mean to sound offensive, but it's like where a basketball player would live." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That feels so good!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah....baby." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[grunting] Hey, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight gives the best back massages." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, it sounds like it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, have you ever been checked for scoliosis?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know, why don't you check me Dr. Shrute. [laughing]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, seriously. Your spine is jacked. It's like the devil's cursive." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You mean more like dangerous curves..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You'd be like 8 feet tall if this thing was straightened out...[pushes Erin back to floor]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ow!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "You date a guy, you find out he was engaged to your coworker so you throw cake at him. It's over. You start liking him again so you ask him out with a puppet show. He says no. Then he follows you home to make sure that you don't kiss somebody. Then he ignores you at a pool party? Am I right ladies?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Erin helps Dwight stretch his inner thighs] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oooooh, yeah." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "You guys ready?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bring it on guys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's go before I vomit. [Erin and Dwight enter pool]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ready?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm ready." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright! Here we go." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "RAHHH!!!!!!!" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Yeah, come on!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get her! Ruin her! [Andy and Jessica beat Dwight and Erin]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! High-five!" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Jessica", "line": "My brother and I were the chicken fight champions of our swim club growing up. I mean, we beat the Strauss twins. Ok, I guess somebody didn't grow up in west Hartford, Connecticut." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "This room I liked for the view. I dreamed that I would watch my guests walk to their cars at dawn, their faces flushed with the shame and regret for the choices they made the night before. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I get that." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Beautiful sentiment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "To the shame room! [raises bottle]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[Robert laughs] I live in this room." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Toby and Oscar swig from wine bottles] Oh, Mineral-ey." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Mineral-ey." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Val, I need the space." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "All right guys, clear out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everybody out." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Promise me you're going to clean up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Promise me that-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Obviously I'm going to clean up." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, \"Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance,\" and then you have to be like, \"Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!\" And then... we dance. Oh how we dance. [dances to Kenny Loggin's Footloose] Sex also works." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey! Jim's back from jury duty." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Tuna! He's back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, look at this. [hugs Jim] Tuna wrap." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[grabs Jim's wrist] Hand roll." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How was jury duty?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was pretty uneventful, actually." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can't believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What was the case?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, hit and run." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ooh, \"the case of the hit and run,\" that's exciting." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Did you send him to the slammer?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. Not guilty." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course you found him not guilty. [mocking voice] \"Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, mm.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We're best friends, actually. We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not coming, have plans." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn't think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ah! Angela had the baby!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You know." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Eh, a little bit." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, did I win the pool?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ah, no. Right month, wrong year." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We should all go to the hospital and visit her." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I'd love to but, um-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well Kevin and I have to go, Accounting is its own little family." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Everyone, our very own Angela-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We all got the email, some of us are going to go visit." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, I am so in." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I love maternity wards. It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so-" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, I'm really sorry." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[demonstrating with napkin holder and salt shaker] So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, when I was on j-duty, uh, Strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto's." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh man, Ernesto's. That was our favorite restaurant too." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[whispering] Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don't know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It's going to be really tiny, so please don't say anything offensive." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Got that, bimbo?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Got it, bimbo. [Oscar knocks at the door]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Knock, knock. Oh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh... I don't- I don't want any- what are you guys doing here?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Phillip is so fat." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Yes, he's substantial." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's more than substantial. He's a monster." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. [villainous laugh] Busted, Halpert!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, wait, wait." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! Andy, get out here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's up, gangstas?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here, right there. [mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass] Down the hatch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I really don't want to take the chill pill. [mimes taking pill]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Attaboy. Good. Now, chill." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, okay. [sits, exhales] But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu. [Jim laughs nervously]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's good enough for me. [exhales again]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you know why you never heard of it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Covered it up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt." } ], [ { "character": "Ernesto", "line": "[pulls food truck up to where Dwight and Nate are standing] Where you want I park?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, everybody, gather 'round. Got a real special surprise for you. [indicates Ernesto and assistant who are carrying empanadas]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ernesto!" }, { "character": "Ernesto", "line": "Hola Toby! [mimes choking]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, hey." }, { "character": "Ernesto", "line": "Como esta? [speaks Spanish]" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Uh, I'm going to say \"I\" when I'm talking for Ernesto, so instead of \"he says blah, blah, blah,\" I'm going to say \"I say, blah, blah, blah,\" but that's for him. Anyway, it was something like, \"He remembers Toby.\" [makes face] \"I remember Toby.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay- oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh-" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's the empanada guy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The empanada guy!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Toby! [bleep] Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. [sighs] Ask him if he remembers Jim. [Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish]" }, { "character": "Ernesto", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "He says, \"No.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He says, \"No!\" Boom!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world. [Ernesto says something in Spanish]" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Ah, he doesn't want any trouble, he sees lots of people, they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great. And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why? Everybody's heard it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why? Why? [looks at Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because my car broke down." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim's house, and then back to the courthouse?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[to Ernesto] I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I think you handled it pretty well." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your [bleep]." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sighs] I don't even know what the truth is anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow, it's so... healthy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm going to call him Little Kevin." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, you will not." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Is he really five pounds?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Because I squat with five pounds. This- [squats, grunts] yeah, this feels like more than that." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "No, no, no, he's nine pounds, seven ounces." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh. So, what did you bring?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh yeah, I don't know if it's right, but-" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Aw, preemie pajamas!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Again, it may not be the right size. I can return-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I got Little Kevin Call of Duty." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry, I didn't know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Funny? No? Nobody laughing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] You're screwed! Oh, it's happening. It's really happening." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your clients. They're all mine." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. [puts Jim's things in a box] Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. You said- you said that you were-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. [gives Jim a limp slap]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's it? This is crap! [dumps the box on Jim's desk and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[on voicemail] You've reached Gabe Lewis, I'm currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao. [beep]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Honestly, I can return this for a larger size." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ah!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[giggles] Little Kevin." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I knew that, I knew it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Chicken marsala." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And now you all know, but you can never tell. I'm serious." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight. Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, hey. Have you seen Gabe?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He went to the car or something, but he'll be back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. [sits]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Don't you want to see the baby?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I promised I wouldn't tell." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So don't." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela got pregnant before the wedding." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She got pregnant before the wedding." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How long before?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "A month. [Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him] You didn't hear it from me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes I did." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want to see the baby." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It's not worth it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... [whispers] willingly, or as slaves." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "He's hungry." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Oh, that's my cue to leave." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Still. Still." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You won't see-" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Cece] You want a giraffe?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, I am brining my kids in to help me get out of this hole. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi. Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, game face, baby, game face." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh right, okay. Hey Stanley, it's great to see you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa, no, no. That's overdoing it, I think." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hi Stanley." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Split the difference?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi everybody!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about a little visit?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, what a surprise. That's crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey, Angela's back with her baby." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, well, you guys all know Cece, but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aw! You guys. He's licking on my finger, just like my cat does." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Let me have a turn." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it's the pacifier's turn." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you say something about this one bringing in something for these people?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[gasps] Yes! Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play, so she brought you a little treat." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Cookies?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, but that would've been a really good idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was a great idea." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, she brought you drawings." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my goodness, let's take a look at these. They're usually amazing, so let's see. Yup, they are. Uncle Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Aunt Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow, these are incredible. Cece, did you do these?" }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She says \"no\" to everything. You know, she thinks my name is \"No.\" Cece, do you want some broccoli?" }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. It's crazy." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There's cross-hatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a two-year-old." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Cece, this is your big sister Kelly. Did you color this pretty picture?" }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So then this means nothing to you. [rips picture]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Cece, why don't you draw another picture for us, exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command. That's very weird. I'll just take that. Thank you. I think we should just wrap up the show, kiddos. Right?" }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "[cries] Mama!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know what else we can do here." }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "[cries] Mama, mama, mama." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, it's okay, sweetie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, all right. Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's okay, honey. [Philip cries] It's okay, it's okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, I know, I know. Let's just get this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "Mama!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That is completely untrue." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Completely true. Remember? Angela. No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I did not. Uh-uh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "-and I said, \"I bet I could fulfill you,\" and you said, \"I'd like to see you try,\" and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That didn't happen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And then I inserted my penis-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No! Stop it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Into your-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Vagina and-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And even if it did, it's just a coincidence." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Admit that there is a chance." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I will not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Admit it. Admit it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I will not, it's not-" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "All done?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, yes. He's sleeping." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Before I go, may I?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sure. [gives Philip to Dwight] Watch the head, watch the head." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Who are you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just might be his father." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "I don't know what that means. We're gonna circumcise him." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Philip is crying] I know, buddy, I know. Cece, you want to come? Want to come out?" }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh bud, I know. Do you have a pacifier or anything?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm looking, I'm looking for the pacifier." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cece!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, we're going." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, okay, we gotta go. All right, we're going home, we're going home. We're going home, we're going home. I know, I know, bud." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shh, shh, shh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know, I know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You want to grab her?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna grab her, okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here we go, here we go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi, all right. I'm just going to go down to the car and I'm going to put her in her seat and I'll be right back up." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[groans] We'll see you tomorrow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, it's okay, I'll be right back." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, just go home." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's all good, we got this." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Just go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, we'll be just fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks guys. All right, here we go. Let's go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, whew!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, right. [sighs] The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You had something important to tell me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I would love for everyone to just forgive me. But, if that's not happening, I'm not averse to just buying them all off." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind like a ton of black licorice? [points to pile of candy] Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there. So, enjoy it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mmm-hmm. Moneybags. Must be nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So you effectively spent what...four dollars on the entire office?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[interrupting] Alright. Well, enjoy the red licorice, and good riddance, right? [tosses black licorice into trash]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! So you're just gonna throw away perfectly good food?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not really food, right?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm really hating this Jim guy!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, ok, ok." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I know what you can do Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice, take 'em in your hand, roll 'em up real tight..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "“And shove it up my butt.”" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Dammit Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not “shove it up your butt” it's....I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Eat it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not gonna eat it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Eat. It." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not-" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "EAT IT! [Jim begins eating black licorice]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] They hate me, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They don't hate you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's bad. Darryl canceled go-karting...." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When were you going go-karting with Darryl?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's a lunch thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Alright. Just don't worry, we'll figure this out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I feel like a stranger in my own country." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, drama." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. Well, hey, you're not here. You don't know, Ok? It's intense. They made me eat black licorice." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have a recurring nightmare that I've been wrongly accused of a crime and twelve of these idiots are on the jury. Stanley is fast asleep, Kevin eats the evidence, Phyllis's name is Allison but it really is Phyllis, Jim is foreman of the jury and pronounces me guilty. The cop takes me away and tells me that I've been a bad boy and we have sex in the hall. She leaves the handcuffs on. They take me away to prison. The guards are all women. [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everyone, this is Officer Foley from the Scranton PD. Works down at the courthouse. I think he has something he's like to say." }, { "character": "Officer Foley", "line": "I understand that some of you don't believe that Mr. Bernard drove his friend into the courthouse for jury duty last week." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Correction: we don't care." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, aren't you an actor?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Weren't you in Sweeny Todd last year with Andy?" }, { "character": "Officer Foley", "line": "Uh, no." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You hired your actor friend to come here as a cop?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is so offensive and ridiculous. I-" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So if I started singing “Down By the Old Mill Stream”, you couldn't join me in a three part harmony. [Andy and Officer Foley shake their heads no, Darryl begins singing] Down by the, down by the, down by the...." }, { "character": "Andy & Darryl & Officer Foley", "line": "[singing] Old mill stream. When I first met you, down by the old mill stream [Andy & Foley hold “stream”]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Low singing] Old, mill, stream." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ho hah!....oh, shoot." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mm hmm." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh ho! Look who's back reporting for duty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey guys!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughing] Hi." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. [pretends to punch Pam in the stomach] Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Are you glad to be back?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, I mean I could have used another week, or three." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You still had eight weeks more than we did." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughing] Well, it's not exactly a vacation." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hello everyone! Remember little old me. Hi!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder Mifflin...family baby. Four days ago." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I wanted to come back to work. Not everybody needs some long luxurious Parisian maternity leave. [removes coat]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Damn girl! Your body!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, you look amazing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros. Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me so I made some treats. I've got brownies and magic cookie bars." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "[murmurs of delight as people shuffle toward the treats]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts. You're allergic to walnuts, right Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Extremely, but I'm gonna fight through it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw. It's OK Angela. I have mommy brain too." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know what that is, Pam. I made a batch with no nuts, special for you Kevin, right here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When did you find time to do all this?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Babies sleep a lot Pam, if you feed them enough. Brownie Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. [takes bite] Oh my gosh. It's really good." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I wouldn't know, I'm watching my weight. Ugh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So you guys, you know what's an even more useful treat...is cash. So-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. It's over." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...we wanted to say thank you-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. OK." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, I have exciting news for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think you're going to like it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't tantalize me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oooh, maybe I can. [slowly] I got an email... from corporate....that told me that..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK. [looks at watch and leaves]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That...[quickly] you got a promotion! [Dwight turns back] Right? I mean that's not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, this is legit. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, hi-yes! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, “perfect pork anus” which I don't mean." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "And here's the fax for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And here's some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ah! Love to learn." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So... [points out their matching heart pins]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh yeah, look at that." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We're pin twins." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift really. Real gifts come later." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. That's cute. When I saw it in CVS it made me gag too. [Andy laughs, walks away, Erin throws away her pin]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "For a while there I thought something would change. But nope. Andy's still with Jessica, they even carpool together most days. I don't know, I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy, but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What do we have here?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Val knit me a beanie. But I can't if it's a “we're just friends” beanie or a “I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it poppin'” beanie. So I'm gonna up the ante, give her a clearly romantic gift, and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear, make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded, and join me on a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm hm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll fly anywhere for some good barbeque." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh, me three." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eh! No plus one's. This is for competent workers only. And don't worry about the cost, Sabre is footing the bill." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God, you're such a spy." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[clears throat] Notice anything different about me?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "You're wearing the beanie. You like it?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Super comfortable. Like sweatpants for my head." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "I love it too Val. It's it's really itchy, uh but to be fair my head is constantly itching so I can't really peg it on the hat." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[noticing all the warehouse workers wearing homemade beanies] Wow. It's like the nation of Islam down here." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "I like to knit, don't hate. And who's that for?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, this is a gift, for....my man Nate here." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Darryl, you shouldn't have." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Can I open it?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, no, no. Maybe just later." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Ah, I can't wait. I'm sorry. I get too excited. [opens gift] Darryl." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Wow. Those are really nice." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "They're so elegant." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Cashmere." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "How'd you know?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Just a hunch. Your gift is on the way." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Can't wait." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "[reading card] “I'm glad you're in my life. Happy Valentine's Day.” Ugh, Darryl. I am glad to be in your life too. Oh, your card is more beautiful than the gloves." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People who'll help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who won't be missed. We don't need idiots, good for nothing's, methheads or... What's your name?" }, { "character": "Kathy", "line": "Kathy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kathy." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just got a text from Robert California that says “bring your clubs to Florida”." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why? Does he think you're going to Florida?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I hope not. [laughs] Because I am not going. Two question marks?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive. You know it's like wha-what?? Just do one." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You wanna take Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my god." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They're not expendable exactly, I just can't...I can't think of the word I'm trying to find." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you kidding me?! I'm supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? We'd never get off the runway." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, look. I gotta keep this office functioning somehow. So, I have put together a list, here's your team. Darryl and Phyllis you can have, but you're also taking Kathy, Kelly and Kevin." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh god." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You have your team." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, let's hear it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "“Robert, Hey!” Exclamation point." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like it so far." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "“Got your text, awesome idea. Let's hit the links next time you're in PA” Dash JH." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's perfect. You emphasized the golf, completely omit the Florida." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, it's a golf text." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Total golf text. Send it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Duh- Wait. I just feel weird. I should just call him." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You wanna call someone? That texted you!? Do you wanna drive them away? I mean, ugh." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[on phone] This is Darryl." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Oh, sorry I asked for the main shipping number. I just need the address for the warehouse? I want to send my girlfriend some flowers." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?" }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Yeah, do you know her?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We're friends. We're friends." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Cool. Um, so can I get that address or...?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah sorry, I'm just looking for a pen." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Why do you need a pen?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Back off! I got my reasons." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "May I have your attention please? Could Kathy, Darryl, Phyllis, Kevin and Kelly please join me in the conference room immediately?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no big deal. It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three week all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hell yeah." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry Stanley, I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wait. Kathy gets to go? Uh, why does she even still work here? Pam is back." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It just feels like a slap in the face." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We're not questioning his reasons. I just wanna know what they are." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kinda random to me, but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's gotta take off his cape." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good point. But we're gonna be working pretty hard until five PM. After that it's gonna be beach volleyball, trips to Cape Canaveral, and sea kayaking with Gloria Estefan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What are the criteria for going?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It might be innate goodness versus innate badness? But there's an easy way to find out. [knocks on Andy's office door] Oh Andy, gotta few questions for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mooshie mooshie. [Dwight laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, the Florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked and maybe you could just clarify?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well uh...well the deliberations were confidential so...I feel like we should respect that." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Respect it? You're trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ok, it's obvious Andy picked the people that are least important to the office." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Important? Oh because you and your enormous monster baby are so important to the branch." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "My baby is not a monster!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Be proud of your enormous monster baby. I was once an enormous monster baby." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys. Guys. Guys. Come on, seriously? We cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Stop calling us “guys”." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I use the word “guys” a lot when I'm nervous...guys." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys! Guys! Guys!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Stop it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys.." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Stop. Stop it Andy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "...Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dudes...the dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK hey. I specifically remember there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wha-" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "If anybody's going to Florida, it should be me. Every shirt I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama. I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK, I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly, so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida, I'm happy to hear you out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great idea! So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida and Andy and I will listen to it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. That is a ridiculous waste of time." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "For you maybe." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Five to six hours?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Three to four hours." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No no no no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Two to three hours..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come up with a statement in the next hour...." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thirty minutes!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm out." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, read it back to me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[reading text] Robert, great offer. Wish I could hit the links with you in Florida but a father of a newborn really should be helping out his wife any chance he gets." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good. Doesn't sound pushy...you're just stating a fact." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Absolutely. Works for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, sending." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really did [Text bleep] He responded L-O-L." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughs exaggeratedly]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have a new swimsuit I need to break in...." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I am..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have already picked my team: Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby and that is the team that I am taking. What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence? Well, that's all Baltzer Gladfielder had and no one eats owls for Thanksgiving." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor, you need one of us there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Or both?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Not both. Just one, me. Or if not me, Kelly. Ideally me. Again, youth knowledge. That's what you get when you put Ryan Howard on your special project team...or Kelly Kapoor. Again, not both. Thanks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm-hm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show, no meat." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Because I feel like that I'm in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport? Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "When do we leave?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "It has been a long, lonely winter." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow. Seasonal effective disorder, AKA: sad. That sounds like a very real thing, Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It is real, thank you for saying that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, wow. It's almost like we're not all experiencing the same winter?" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Florida Stanley smiles. Florida Stanley is happy to go to work. Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe it's what she does here..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey guys, any spots left?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Either or. But if you can find someone to fill in, I would love to go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in.." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really? Oh, great. Good, ahem, good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now, is it too dark to say that Cici's having an operation?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think you need to go to Florida." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you're right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's only for three weeks, you know with my mom and sister at the house it'll be.." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Total nightmare." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was going to say good because I'll have all the help I need?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're incredibly helpful, you're lucky to have them. I mean with them there, you probably won't even know I'm gone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Exactly." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, [Jim enters] No! No! Absolutely not! You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuns, I'm really sorry. You're too essential to the operation here, I can't let you go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wouldn't say that...it's a bit much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know Dwight, if you didn't want me to go the smart move would be to tell Andy that I actually am essential to the operation. That way I couldn't go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim is essential to th-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hold on, just wanna get it on camera. [holds up cellphone]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy, Jim is just too...essen-..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Essential." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is stupid! Cut." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, I'm gonna pack my trunks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He doesn't even want to go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I got a text from RC inviting me to come down so I think that's gonna make us roomates." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my god." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, quick question: Do you shower at night or in the morning? Cause I wanna shower when you're showering. Save some water." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK, listen up everyone, here's who's going to Florida: Kathy.." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "….Stanley.." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "...Ryan..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "...Erin..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "(Bleep)" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "...And, Jim." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You've gotta be (bleep)-ing kidding me. Ok. Ok, Florida group, welcome to the team. [goes into conference room and slams door] AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go, step it up you runts. You infants, let's move." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why is it so hot in here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice temperate Florida morning. Eighty-five degrees, seventy-five percent humidity. This is the exact environment you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life. Welcome to special projects orientation. The next three weeks of your life are gonna be the most miserable you've ever faced. They're gonna be hard, they're gonna be dirty. You're gonna wish you were dead." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "But..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But? There's not buts. That's it. You'll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed, you wanna stay here?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No no, I want to go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cause if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell. [holds up Taboo buzzer]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that the buzzer from Taboo?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "SHUT UP MAGGOT! YOU DON'T WANT TO GO, RING THE BELL! RING IT! Ring it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How did a mosquito get in here?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room, just temporarily. When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes. [Frog in plastic cage ribbits]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, when he brushes your soft supple cheeks with his worn leathery hands and says “I'm gonna make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblatt” unless you ring this bell. Ring it! Ring the bell. You wanna spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? Huh? Do you? Ring it! Wha-, [Jim slaps Dwight's forehead] oh. What was that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mosquito." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Sighs and grunts] Orientation is over." } ], [ { "character": "Nate", "line": "Oh Darryl, hey." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey what's up? You called?" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Yeah, you know I, I felt really terrible that you got me these lovely gloves and I didn't get you anything..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's cool really." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "No, it's anything but cool. Now I haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but uh, here goes. [Hands Darryl pink slips of paper]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "“This coupon entitles you to one free tickle monster attack”" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Yeah, they're Nate coupons. Or Nate-pons. And they're all different. Cash that one in and I will bring you a stick of gum, anytime, any place. I'll find you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thanks. [to Val] Nice flowers." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Thanks, they're from my mom." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Your mom?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh. So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep voiced woman?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Yeah, that's her." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "She said her name was Brandon, I think. Your mom's name is Brandon?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "[laughs] Yeah Darryl, my mom's name is Brandon." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Then I guess I figured out where I stand. This is a love beanie." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, Florida team, let's reconvene." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm going to Florida.....and I'm not coming back." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, what is this special project?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Basically Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That sounds awesome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It did, it did." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know what might be great? Is if instead of a genius bar we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. And they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you don't have to carry it around like a dope. Like a coat check. [Dwight writes on whiteboard] Oh, don't write it down unless you like it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I like it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party. So I think our question is: How do we make this a better party?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other stores look like a toy store." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Right. Think different, from Apple." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[long pause] Yes. What are my expectations for the group?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfectinschlag." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know how I'm going to live here without you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Me neither. Hey, will you put this coat on my chair? I just realized I'm not going to need it down there." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes, I will take your coat. And I will keep it with me, and I will sleep with it because it smells like you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, no, no, no. Just put it on my chair." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Alright [kiss]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye. Call me when you land." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I will." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Safe travels." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Goodbye for a very very long time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, K. It's only three weeks." } ], [ { "character": "Kathy", "line": "[On phone] All expenses paid. Yeah, Jim's gonna be there. Their marriage is not good. Nobody knows better than me. Definitely we will. It's three weeks in Tallahassee, what else is there to do?" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wake up! [Cathy screams]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! [Erin kicks him] Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley! Wake up! You’ve got to wake up, the hotel's on fire!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! [Dwight pinches Stanley's nose and covers his mouth]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mmm! [struggles] Ugh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[lets go] Good morning." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. [sees Dwight] Oh, not cool!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- [hears door, hides]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What do you think happened?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees \"IT WAS DWIGHT\" written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. [Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Puppet." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Cool, for your kids?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel." }, { "character": "Saleswoman", "line": "What does he like?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Power." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, and this one is, \"Huh. Don't see too many museums around here.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, are you okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Who says none of us are diarrheal?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very funny, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, \"For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?\" and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna set your face on fire." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's a good one. [a red sports car drives up] Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Loggins and Messina." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Did I say \"Messina?\" [tires screech]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ahh! [laughs] Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... [drops pin] I thought that would be cooler." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I loved it." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can we see that? Did you really find it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. [chuckles, clicks tongue] In the trash." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Oh great. [overlapping chatter]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "We're screwed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There. [phone rings]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh! There we go! Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can you get the phone?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I'm not the receptionist." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm, well, you used to be." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Phone's ringing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. [Andy and Pam silently argue] Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Somebody! Answer the phone." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Andy, pick up the phone!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Get the damn phone." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You're the closest one to it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. [ringing continues] Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Man." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "How was the drive?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Life is short. \"Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.\" That's one of my mottoes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I would love to hear the other mottos." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Quick query, Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Still queer?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Packer." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "You can't put me down. Too strong!" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Psst. Say, \"So who's leading this thing, anyway?\"" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So who's leading this thing, anyway?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Psst. Say, \"I can't wait to meet him.\"" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can't wait to meet him." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, [points to her head] and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. [slow clap] I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. [points to Jim] After you decided I wasn't \"a good fit-\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, \"Yes!\" So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Let me just get the projector working." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh. [eats antacids]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You didn't poison me, it's just stress." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is the antidote?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "True love's kiss." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. [points to Ryan] You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll do it! I always say, \"You want something done right? Ask Dwight.\" Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head. [reaches up, whimpers]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I can do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm! [screams, pulls down screen] There we go." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. [to Jim] What kind of poison did you use?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. [sees chart on screen] Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. [winks]" }, { "character": "Emergency Operator", "line": "Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Did you say \"masturbator?\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Why are you sitting down like that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Are you that bored?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that another motto?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's whatever you want. [offers Jim the bottle]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Or do you only drink with your kids?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, let's do it. [laughs] Oh, that's healthy." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I've spent so much of my life telling myself \"Please, don't end up like Stanley,\" and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Yup. Tallahassee, let's go." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Jim, are you in?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I don't know." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Sounds like a hoot. I'm in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, what the heck? Let's do it." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "This is great. This is gonna be great." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll be on top. It's the most important position." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dude, I think you have appendicitis." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[tries to climb human pyramid] Ahh!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[groans] Stop moving!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No one's moving!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh! [collapses]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Oh, oh! [general commotion]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Arrest Jim. He poisoned me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty." }, { "character": "Paramedic", "line": "You need an operation. You have appendicitis." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How long will he be gone?" }, { "character": "Paramedic", "line": "Two or three days." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Drama queen, am I right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to phone] Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. [presses button] Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Whoa, are those mini pizzas?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? [giggles] Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh [bleep] yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Up high." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes sir. Thanks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. [whispers to Kelly] I put out some new magazines, check it out." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Ah, Dwell." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. [phone rings] Oh, there's the phone!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who's doing the presentations?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Packer's giving one. [Dwight growls] Jim'll probably give ours, I guess." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna-" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "-features a tech support area. Bring in your product, a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot. Huge for building loyalty." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Very good point." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, are you all right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm great. How are you?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's our presentation about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got the surgery, what else is there to do?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do a hundred jumping jacks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't feel like it either!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[doing jumping jacks] Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine-" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want that vice-presidency." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You haven't done any of the research." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name.\" You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Aw, let him do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley, are you listening to music?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, who's ready for the next presentation?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ah, what is your topic?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Retail consumer habits." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... [sighs] The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. [Erin makes the first slide appear] Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can field this one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, sit down. \"Seasonal.\" Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. [Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips] Thank you. [Dwight sticks his head in the bowl] Oh, God. Next slide." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mail call! [sings] His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are those the lyrics?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "What are the three pillars of retail?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[whispers] Convenience." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ingredients." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Service." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Burgers." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Building loyalty." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You are bleeding through your shirt." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. [ties jacket around wound] Ah." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, having fun?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes I am, as a matter of fact." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I know how it is. I know it's a lot of fun. I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job. What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I found my calling." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Andy, when I was twelve years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Guys, I don't like this analogy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[groans] Ugh! Fine. Did you see this? [points to pens in cup]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean... [Pam giggles]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "How are you feeling?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Can I see the wound?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[show her the wound] Oh God." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's right." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That is amazing. Todd, look at that." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Oh, yikes. Incoming- [tries to touch the wound]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah! Not so fast." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you [points to both] have a lot to offer." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "It would be an honor, ma'am." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[answers the reception phone] Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew." }, { "character": "Donna Muraski", "line": "Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple of weeks." }, { "character": "Donna Muraski", "line": "Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart. You tell her Donna Muraski misses her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I miss her too." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. [cheers, claps]" }, { "character": "Wally Amos", "line": "Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos-" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What's under the cloth?" }, { "character": "Wally Amos", "line": "We'll get to that." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Cookies. Bet you anything it’s cookies." }, { "character": "Wally Amos", "line": "It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies! [everyone goes for the cookies]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Famous, hi. I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time, but I-" }, { "character": "Wally Amos", "line": "Is it oatmeal with no raisins?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm sorry to have wasted your time." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Angela, you wanna see a picture of Phillip wearing those little booties you got us?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So cute." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, you guys want to see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes? He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these. Now going out in the rain is all he wants to do." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "News flash - If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That is where we disagree." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, three-month-old humans don't do that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "My Phillip is crawling." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela is such a liar!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's maddening!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Exactly. That's just like crate training. All night long, all night long." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide, I mean, you'll never sleep again." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "No one said \"you must have two\"" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you, no." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[laughing] Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has NO idea what he just got himself into. There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat…am i right?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela & Pam", "line": "Unbelievable!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Un-be-liev-a-ble." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It is the end of the day, it is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow. That's not bad, is it?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "That's great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pretty good." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well thank you. This is very helpful feedback. [Dwight raises his hand] Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughing] That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like 'oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?' Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Catching butterflies." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a hobby, unless it's for food." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Theater." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Waste of time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dragging." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's just a verb." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dragging sticks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Alright, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just… you three, no." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Not good enough (clicks tongue)" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. [British accent] You're crap. You're wonderful. [back to American] They're mean, but they're incisive." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it compulsory." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I'll be there at 6:00" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Ugh, we're gonna have one of those crazy nights, aren't we? Maybe we'll see the real 'Talla-nasty' we've been hearing so much about." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "'Talla-nasty', very clever." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Thank you-" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Wait, wait, you think she invented 'Talla-nasty?' [chuckles] no, no, no, no…" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cathy? It's been great. Fun, normal. [in voiceover] I thought I was gonna be hanging out with stanley on this trip, but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? [Jim slowly slinks down in his seat, with the 'Jim Face']. Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, everybody. 5:00. Workday is over. Put your pencils down. Aaannnnddd bring 'em back up, because now, the late night work jam begins!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard, we are good to go!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Say what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We are good to goooo!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Say what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're good to goooo!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Say-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tonight we're staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, of course, we could've just been doing this the whole time, but SOMEONE dropped the ball." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "…ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Jason Bourne would kick Bond's ass." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government's out to get him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children … What? it's true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder)" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Okay, drinking game. Count of three, take three sips." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What happens if you're the hunchback?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, you get kicked." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How many buttons do you have?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "(takes out bag) 40. Always." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Can I see?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy)" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "So, I get to kick you now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, they're not transferrable just 'cause I handed 'em to you." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Well, that's how I played it in college." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "College rules (Cathy throws Jim the bag and Jim kicks Dwight)" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aah!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Aaaaand he host at his own lame game." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "Sorry, no waffles." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, okay. Just forget it, then. Forget it. Forget it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "A waffle?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm moving down here, you know." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, no, I didn't know." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm young, and I can … and if I can't, I'm still pretty young. I guess I'll always be young." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You come with me. We're gonna get you that waffle." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka-who run at her? (Erin walks over) Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Watson carpet and tile." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "One order." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Order reference number 00983-126." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Eight Cases, bright white inkjet." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Paid." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm dying!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Processed." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "And delivered." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sorta feel out what the situation calls for." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I will be right back." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I will be here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. I see what you're doing. It's futile. the VP position is mine." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Oh, please, You're through. She's going to give it to me as I'm giving it to her tonight. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. [clicks tongue, whinnies]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, saddles… [clicks tongue, whinnies] … sometimes fall off, especially if you don't properly cinch the girth." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "What? That's a joke, right? You see the way she's all over me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If anyone's having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it's me, and I'm not joking at all. If you don't tighten your saddle, you may fall off." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who is ready for dinner? \"oh, I bet it's pizza, or tacos, or something stupid\". No. [claps] I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves… [takes foil off tray] [Jamaican accent] A Jamaican feast, mon!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "If I wanted Jamaican food I'd just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Additional trivia factoid, this food comes to us through Val. And our server is none other than Brandon, her boyf!" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "How you doing, Val? [Val and Brandon kiss]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there. Crazy stuff." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "Oh no, I'm not actually Jamaican." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Terrific." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's up man? I'm Darryl." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "Darryl, I heard about you. You doing good?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "Must be doing real good since you're f***ing my girlfriend." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dude, you didn't tell me you were f***ing Val. High five!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm not sleeping with your girlfriend." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Brandon, what the hell are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "Don't play dumb with me. I know what's up." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Honey, I am not sleeping with-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Heyyy… let's get back to the food. Brandon, tell us about these delicious looking goops!" }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "Hope you all like goat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Goat…" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Blow in my ear." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Like I'm on the beach." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[imitates seagull calls] Seagull. [Continues seagull calls]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "And a wave crashing… a wave crashing." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, that is lovely." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, that's gonna do it for me tonight. Have a lovely evening." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how's it going?" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Hey, uh, good. Uh, the heating system though in my room is all messed up. It's like 90 degrees in there. Maintenance is working on it. Can I hang out here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh… yeah, I'm just watching basketball." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Okay, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Cool… [Jumps onto bed] Is this March Madness? I love March Madness." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no, that's not this 'cause that's in… March. Uh, this is just the NBA. Professional. Miami Heat, actually, so… [sits on floor]" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "LeBron James." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, nice. Good word association" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "[giggles]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Impressive." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh please, anyone can tie a knot, the real skill is in untying it [puts string in his mouth]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thornwood Wholesalers." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "One order." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "I read the text you sent to Val, man." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "That's messed up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is this spicy?" }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "No, baby girl. It would be messed up if I didn't find anything, but I did, so-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text, it was about some paper emergency or something." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "At midnight?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "… yeah…" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery…" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Guys, we're not gonna settle anything this way. I think we just need to be grown-ups here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I thin we're gonna need to here those texts." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No. There's no way in hell I'm leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life, I am staying here. Darryl, read the texts." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup, coming. [opens door] All right." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "My mini bar is oddly out of rum." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We have plenty." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, hello. [laughs with Cathy]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you want to watch the game with us? We're watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Got it. Good night. Careful Jim, it gets easier and easier." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "mm-hmm. [about to leave]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley. Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "uh-huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley. Uhh… you know what? Just bring back those bottles!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Whoa. the lights are still on." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I like how guys just know stuff all the time." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay? And nobody knows more than you. Especially me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[gasps] Hello, waffle iron." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hello, what do we have here?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, so the recipe says we need a mixing bowl…" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "… a measuring cup…" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Got that. [Metallic thud] Get down." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[whispers] It's the fuzz!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[whispers] Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "\"I got too much ice cream. You want some?\" \"Getting' my fry on.\"" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Boring." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh, \"The moon is huge tonight.\"" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's regular text talk." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "You forgot one." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "\"You're such a great friend.\"" }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "With the dots." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "\"You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot.\"" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means 'to be continued', four dots is a typo, but five dots means \"Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Oh…" }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "See? Yes. Thank you, sister." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Brandon, Darryl and me? That's ridiculous, right?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I'm stranded on shutter island over here." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree? [cell phone rings] …ahhmmm… excuse me… What?! Not now, I'm busy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to know that I saw a bedbug in my room. But, never mind, sorry to interrupt." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait wait wait wait, bedbugs? Oh no… Freak, I need a favor." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Well, then you have to call me by my name. Gabriel Susan Lewis." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What's in it for GSL?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You really want Packer as your boss?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Got it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where did you see it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In the bed." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "I haven't seen anything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We gotta find it before it eggs. [pulls sheets off bed]" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Jeez…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Describe it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Brown, shiny, painful bite." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Could be a bat weevil… Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stressed, but to be fair, it was a tense situation." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pshh. That's a bedbug." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everything's a joke." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Check your hair! [checks Jim's hair]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just check it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are clean. Okay… One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide [starts running in place and turning up the thermostat] I am going to generate myself into a human trap. [starts to take off clothes] When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we'll see who's laughing. [dastardly laugh]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. [jumps into bed] Cover me!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Is this really nessecary?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He knows what he's doing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let the bedbugs bite!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Ugh, god, I feel so gross. I have to go take a shower." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, then I will catch you later… What do we do now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We wait. [Shower starts] Come to papa." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know, Dwight, I think maybe you should check again." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nope, I wasn't bitten." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, maybe it isn't warm enough in here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it's plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If there were any in here, They would've imbedded themselves in me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Maybe they just ate." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you're good. Clean bill of health! Besides I gotta get back downstairs. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, they're fine. They're adults." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, that's the problem. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that really how you want to get this job?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Such a chorus girl." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Dwight… Dwight… Dwight, Dwight Dwight!… uh…" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "[in a bathrobe] Is crazy gone?" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "They don't make these cords in boot cut anymore!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Euughh… Pathetic, huh? A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present… Hey." } ], [ { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Yeah, one death by chocolate, one bananas foster… Okay, cool. Thanks… I know, I'm a pig, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm? No." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "[giggles] Wait, this why I exercise like a fiend. Feel. Seriously." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay alright. [gets up] I'm really sorry, uh, I just have to say it. I'm-I'm married. I'm very happily married." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Oh my God, what are you thinking?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "um… I mean-" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "I know that you're married, I sat at your wife's desk. How little do you think of me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I'm-I'm I misread things. Okay, let's just go back to watching." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Can you… without running to the other side of the room all night?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, I can. [Cathy laughs] uh, all right. I'm really sorry. I think we'll just… we'll just watch. You can watch, not watch, whatever you want to do. Take another shower, I don't care." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Okay. [Sits next to Jim.] I am so cold." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim Face]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Darryl. You okay?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "She's got a boyfriend." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Play it cool, man. She'll come around." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, you should go for it. I mean nothing would've happened with me and Jim if he didn't put himself out there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, but… My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My husband would tell you to go for it." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, this is fun." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "A lot of fun." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I know. Can I give you a compliment? I'm really impressed by how much you've grown. Since I met you, it's like night and day." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You should move down here with me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We could be roommates." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Maybe in six months-" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[louder] Six months?… um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay… Seven, one, one, nine…" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No, no, no, not numbers, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, okay." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Try again… Ugh, I'm still getting numbers! Seven, one, one… is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? 'Cause please stop, okay?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[gasps]Wait, the numbers!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "oh…" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "mm-hmm…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There you go." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I will see you in seven-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seven minutes. [Dwight and Nellie kiss]… Nellie, wait. Let me write my room number on the card. [chuckles]. [Dwight writes on the key card scratches it with a magnet and hands it back to Nellie]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in voiceover] Win at all costs, don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America, and before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "1434-967, paid." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It has been processed." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "It has been delivered." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's it, last one." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Andy this has been an amazing night. Epic." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee…" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I got Romy and Michele's High School Reunion…" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Okay, thanks." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, just so you know, me and you… I don't think that's ridiculous… Dot, dot, dot… dot, dot." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Now I think it's time for you to go." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "What? Oh, Jim, I thought we talked about this. You're cool, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cathy, go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[wearing face mask with spray chemicals in hand] Where's the bug?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Awesome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sprays the bed and Cathy] Stand back!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Aah! Stop, it, oh my god! That burns! what is that?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[continues spraying the bed] It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid's cart!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "[coughs and moans]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right there! [points to Cathy]" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Oh stop it, stop it, stop it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[coughs] Oh, big one! Big one! Really big one!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "I can't breathe!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think I saw it!" }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Stop it! [runs out the door]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice job, I think you got 'em." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't stay here, this place is a biohazard. If I were you, I'd just bunk with Cathy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim face]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Second best Bananas Foster I've ever had." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah? What's the first best?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[at the door, unsuccessfully trying to open it with the demagnetized key card] Dwight? [knocks] Hello? Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispers] Is that Nellie?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispers] Don't let-shh!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello? [knocks] [Dwight turns off the lights] Oh, look at that. The light went off, just as I said the light went on. Hello? [knocks] Dwight? [whispers] Dwight. [Dwight eats his Bananas Foster]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR [imitating trumpet] and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Are you holding this chair?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "‘cause I feel like I’m gonna fall off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Yes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I’m not wearing the right shoes for this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, my name’s Tabitha. I’m camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid. Psst. It’s me Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype, and it’s working. There’s already people camped out behind me." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I’m this patrician goddess. But here’s the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, [cockney accent] I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than … what’s lower than dirt?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didn’t even get a callback." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which Spice Girl?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The black one. I never stood a chance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Yep" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing – bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You’re gonna love ‘em. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a world’s fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "When people see this presentation, they’re gonna [bleep] in their pants." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, man." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Seriously disgusting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Uh…" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Uh… that is excellent." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I don’t see what that gets us, but I’m a team player." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Perfect casting, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Schrute’s out to get me. But I’m playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Speaking of pimples, let’s release the BLOGGERS!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Morning, everyone." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don’t care. Tell me later." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Listen, it’s important. You’ve gotta hear this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you got?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, my god!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Do you have a black eye?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, I do. Phyllis." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It’s not a kid on a bike. It’s a man in a car." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Andy, who punched you?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, I was on the can. What’s this about a black guy in the office?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Black eye, Meredith." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Will someone please explain what’s going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, it’s like my life is buffering." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here’s what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That’s true." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They had, uh… weapons." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Weapons." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just stepped in to talk some sense into them." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But these were not the kind of people who use their words." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank goodness he was there." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good job Andy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah [all murmuring]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn’t do anything any of you wouldn’t have done." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Open the gates! There’s plenty for everyone. No need to panic. There’s plenty for everyone!" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Quit it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There’s plenty. Don’t stampede. No need to stampede, sir." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I was ahead of you!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, okay. Hey, hey. It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. There’s plenty of Pyramids." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Come on. I was in line before you." } ], [ { "character": "Cathy", "line": "So you’re a blogger right?" }, { "character": "Blogger", "line": "Yeah. Blogger." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. I’m trying to be a good girl for once." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I don’t want to leave yet. I haven’t had so much fun since seeing… zoo-Ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla music festival. So fun." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, no, no, no, no, we don’t need to call the police. They’ll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone’s business, right, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "1-8-5-0-5." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Guys, guys. That’s so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Look, I don’t feel safe. I think we should call the police." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Exactly. We need to feel safe, which is why… Toby is giving us self defense training." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, um... I can’t believe you remembered. I do self-defense. Um, I’ll go put on my cup." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Blogger", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I wasn’t really sure which one of you is Chuck." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?" }, { "character": "Blogger", "line": "Look at that guy. He’s got his Sabre phone on, and he’s not even using it." }, { "character": "Blogger 2", "line": "This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, I - I gotta go. Okay." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no, no, no. It’s good. It’s really -- on the Internet, it’s a really -- that’s a really good, good, thing." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m very sorry." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? “Hello. Hi sweetie. It’s Jim. I’m calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape.”" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck!  Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Point it towards the store, idiot!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We are closed! Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Let’s try it." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[smacks Meredith’s head] [screams] [runs out]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ow." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That may have been my fault." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What the hell, Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you’re not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. “It’s all about the groin.”" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What if you’re being attacked by a … smallish man who happens to not have a groin?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don’t think that’s very common." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What if you’re being attacked by a 4’11” man who is penisless?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why don’t we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It’s interesting that you’re drawn to the point of view of the attacker.  You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... [everyone groans] written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can I please leave? I have a rape flute." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "All right, well, let’s try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesn’t everyone stand? Okay, so... you’re being attacked. You’ve got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "One, two." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[softly] Take that, kid." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine." }, { "character": "Lady Blogger", "line": "Patty Grossman. I’m a woman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But you still work for Wired, right?" }, { "character": "Patty", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good! Okay. Flirt away." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Sabre. It’s time to come home." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think ...it seemed like you were a little nervous." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, no [bleep], Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’m trying to make him feel important." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Um... [imitating Kelly] Oh, Ryan, you’re so smart. You’re smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You’re so ignorant. You barely know what you’re talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What’s a book? [giggles]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "On my God. You’re so embarrassing.  My mom would say the best stuff, though." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[ahem] You can... [slightly effeminate] You can do it Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And you know that I’m capable of this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You’re the only one who can do it, s-sweetie." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What did you think of the presentation?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought it was great, sweetie. I would just fix that one --" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh! “Fix” means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, get him a water." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you’re alive." }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[deep voice] I think you guys might have the wrong Office." }, { "character": "Girl", "line": "That’s him... the guy I hit." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You’ve gotta be kidding me." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, Kevin -- [sighs]" }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "What about the lady you hit with the pine cone?" }, { "character": "Girl", "line": "There. That chubby one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just had a baby." }, { "character": "Girl", "line": "Yesterday?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "Apologize." }, { "character": "Girl", "line": "Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your “thin” girlfriend." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How ‘bout we wait til next year after you have your kid?" }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "You know what? Tiffy’s going to college." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[deep voice] Listen, I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I guess I’ll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day." }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar -- “How to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.”" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "There’s no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh... [Kelly laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you seen Erin?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I’m on break." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh God...  Hey no! Where do you think you’re going? You’ve gotta stay for the big presentation we’ve got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. He’s like an even more handsome Bill Gates." }, { "character": "Blogger", "line": "When’s the presentation?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s moments away. Just stay here!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[on phone] Hey Uncle Lucas, it’s your nephew Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it’s different because it’s your wife?  Well, that doesn’t make any sense to me." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "How you doing?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don’t talk to me right now. I’m sorry. I- I know you’re my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face. What I don’t understand is... [voice fades]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[to Dwight] Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry about kicking you out. It’s just, we don’t want our brand associated with death." }, { "character": "Old Lady", "line": "It’s okay. I’ll go to the Costco and search for handsome men." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You’re not married yet?" }, { "character": "Old Lady", "line": "[laughs] Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend. He passed away." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and we’re not really friends." }, { "character": "Old Lady", "line": "Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband." }, { "character": "Old Lady", "line": "Well..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How long has he been in the bathroom?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "About ten minutes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jeez! What’s he doing in there? [cell phone vibrates]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oops, that’s my phone. Am I allowed to answer it or are you gonna freak out?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are there any bloggers around?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s Ryan. “I’m sorry. I lied. I’m not in the bathroom. I can’t do it. I need to see my mom. I’m going home.”" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "What is the delay here? Where’s Ryan? Why is he not here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s right. Will you just give us a second?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You are gonna bloody ruin it. You’re gonna bloody ruin it because you’re a no-good half-assed cock-eyed..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "okay." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That’s...." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim --" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m not doing the Presentation." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. I’m telling you... if you don’t do this, [whispers] I don’t stand a chance. Please, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I’ll do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, my God. O... Kay! Go get into Ryan’s costume and check out his notes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A costume?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course there’s a costume! [laughs]  Oh, this is gonna be great. There’s nothing like some last-minutes changes to really energize a presentation." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’ve been in here for 20 seconds." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m not wearing eyeliner." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are wearing eyeliner, Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Time. Space. Gender. [Dwight mouthing words] There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that -- the only thing that remain -- the only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time -- love, values, and of course, the pyramids -- the strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. [softly] No, that’s --" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s true." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This... is the future, because... This is the past. I’ve been through a lot of issues in my life. I’ve seen drug addiction -- unemployment. I’ve been in a relationship that tore my heart apart, without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain. [scattered applause]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney world. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me.  I just wanted... to go home.  This is what the Pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world. It has a usb port. Wireless... will be available in 2013.  You can play Anything from Chuck to Cars 2. With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything -- in time... and space." }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "ahhhhhh" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Psst." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[image on Pyramid] Sabre... It’s time... to come home." }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[applause]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right.  Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night! [applause continues]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah.  Thank you. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, this isn’t over. Let’s stay focused, okay?  We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but... little things can be dangerous." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whether it’s a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay. Good point..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good point? What is a tub of electricity?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don’t... I don’t..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "With all due respect we know what we’re defending against: a twelve year old female bully." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I was a twelve year old bully." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby." }, { "character": "Others", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, that’s not a bad idea, actually, because I have had a lot of pent up aggression." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Good. Let’s go." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don’t know if this is gonna help...Uh..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Let’s go Kelly." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "We should stay to maybe some more traditional models..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You think you’re so pretty!  Well you’re not gonna be so pretty come Prom time!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, this is what’s called pre-violent posturing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Take that!  Not so pre-violent anymore!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, I’m at what’s called “the decision point.”" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. Kelly Kelly, Kelly... come on.... Ow! God! My good eye!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] Oh boy. Oh no, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at, um, something that Cece did on the playground earlier -- yesterday. This morning." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby.  I stepped in and I didn’t care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, “Where were you when the girls came?”" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank a half a bottle of wine, took my pants off.  I just feel good!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it.  We could have integrated more Chuck into the Presentation." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight.  You’re the vice president." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[squealing]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay! Come on!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "aagh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hah! Yah! [kicking and punching the air] Boom!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[exiting office] Everyone stop what you're doing, I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[gasps] What?! Why is that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He's gone, damn it! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail and he's staying in Florida forever." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So, he's alive." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke [slight pause] of good fortune and he is now in a better place." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You guys, we've gone over this, there is no treasure. [Erin retrieves the \"treasure box\" and slams it down on Dwight's desk]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "When the team left for Tallahassee, Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure. [cut to Dwight holding treasure chest and telling the office \"Don't touch my treasure. Ok, you understand?\"] Obviously he wants us to obsess about it. There's nothing in there. [has realization] Which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure. Oh god, I'm Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure. [everyone disagrees]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I am dying to know what's in there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I know, Oscar we all are but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane. [everyone turns to look at Creed]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hi, hello." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Creed standing in front of the \"treasure box\"] Now, carefully... open the box." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[opens box, pulls out and displays contents] It's a photo of all of us." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw, that's so sweet! [dart fires out of box and lodges in ceiling]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[feigning surprise] A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart, well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison. I mean, I just have to imagine. God, I'm glad he's OK though. Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all. Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on a golf course] Well, mister ball, it's been a pleasure. Now, give my regards to hell. Da! [hits ball]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, all right! Well swung my VIP VP." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I am loving the chemistry between you two." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I am so happy Dwight is gonna be working alongside me. We are a regular Archibald and his man George." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I bet. I'm excited." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Trick... there's no such thing. It's not even a real English duo." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I just made you look like the goat of Dover. And that doesn't exist either." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Robert] You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. [Robert gives a fake laugh]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that reminds me. [reaching into golf cart] Little something from all of us. [hand Dwight a small wrapped gift]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sarcastically] Oh my gosh, thank you Jim, that's so thoughtful. [sets gift on golf tee] Four! [smashes gift] Oh yeah!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "He doesn't even care." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't even care!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is the last time I'll ever see Dwight. It's a weird feeling, it's, um, what's the word? It's not, it's not bittersweet. It's uh... sweet. Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[entering Andy's office] Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada. Want the same as last year?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Would if I could. And I can so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll put you down for shortbreads." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[entering Andy's office] Knock, knock. Hey, Sasha's first year in the troops, so I'm selling cookies for her. Anyway, would you like some?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No. No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I been selling here for five years. This is my spot." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You can't claim territories. This is the only place I interact with people. Can't you sell at your church or barber shop? [Darryl looks hurt] Or chess club, or?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You know what? It's your first time, let's split the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know I'll just take, uh, accounting." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That's it? Yeah, well, ok. Thanks Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "OK, great." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[exits Andy's office smiling] All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined and then some. [Kevin waves at him] When I first started selling cookies he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[entering a home carrying groceries] Hellosi, I'm home, babaloo." }, { "character": "Elderly Woman", "line": "[rises from chair] Oh, here let me help." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[spilling groceries] I got it. It was so busy at the store today. Really good cheese samples. I had, like, a hundred." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Irene hired me as her live-in helper. We met at the store launch. I told her I was moving here and I needed a place and it just sort of made sense. I basically do everything for her. [Erin randomly adds an assortment of pills to a weekly pill box] I run errands. I do chores around the house. I cook and clean. Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me." } ], [ { "character": "Irene", "line": "When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer. Shallow end, deep end. He does it all." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene. I have to talk to my old boss, Andy, and tell him I'm staying in Florida. [hands Irene a mug]" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "[takes mug] Thank you. [takes a sip] Oh, what kind of tea is this?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I boiled some Gatorade." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[misses putt] Ah. In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right, you see. We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "If I may, [assists Nellie] try holding the putter... yeah, with your wrists here. And your thumbs here." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "That's right. Your little finger." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[approaches Kevin] Would you like to buy some cookies?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cookies, eh?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[singing] Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best. And fall time thinks that it's the best. Cold time has, kind of a strut. And Valentine's thinks that it's the best. But gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth. Nothing beats the cookie season, that's the truth." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Kevin scratches cookie order form and sniffs it] It's not a scratch-and-sniff, Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I know. But sometimes you still get a little something." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[to Darryl] Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See you next year, sport." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, no, no. It's not fair. What if Kevin wants to buy cookies from me?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "See?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That doesn't mean anything. [to Kevin] Kevin, do you want to buy cookies from me?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I definitely do." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[to Toby] Huh. Hit the road, jack." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, you hit the road, jack." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[looking pleased] Hey guys, come on. Don't fight over me." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, why don't we split the order? It's only fair." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No. Wait, no. I'm buying, I make the rules. I actually do want you to fight over me. I wanna be wined and dined and... 69ed." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Metaphorically 69ed. Ew. Perverts... no offence Oscar. [Oscar looks flabbergasted]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Hop in, we have places to be. No rest for the wicked." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Dwight] All right. So... I guess this is it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, Jim, I just want to say that we haven't always got along and at times, I've even hated your guts. But...[smiles] bye, bye. I win." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[attempts to shake Dwight's hand] Goodbye, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[drops golf ball into Jim's open hand] Robert, race you to the clubhouse, gentlemen's bet. Woohoo! [takes off in golf cart]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, he's Florida's problem now." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'll let Dwight have his fun. Today will not be his day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'm gonna tank the Sabre store at the presentation to the board." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought you liked the store?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well, the store is lovely. You created a wonderful space to showcase our product line. Great job. Cheers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "But, there's a reason we sell our products online and over-the-phone. Have you ever used Sabre electronics, Jim? [Jim shakes head] They're cheap. They're unintuitive. The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone's wives do us." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. When you put it that way, I guess it does sound pretty terrible." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I couldn't just kill the project from the start. Jo Bennett endorsed it. Shame though, I did like Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[from distanced golf cart] Robert! I'm gonna win, ha ha, I'm the gentleman! Suck it!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[to Dwight] Bravo, Dwight! Very good! [Jim looks surprised] [to Jim] Shame." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[at Sabre headquarters] The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration, plus greater visibility, will raise Sabre [Nellie emerges from behind Dwight] [together] to the power of two." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "How did that look?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I'm not just saying this, that was the best thing I've ever seen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Nellie] I told you." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "When you guys do that whole power of two shebang, how 'bout I pop up also? I guess we'd have to say 'power of three'. Hm, actually, you know what, yeah, that actually works. [to Nellie] You'd spin off right. I'd spin off-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy, write that down and print it out. It's gonna make some really good toilet paper." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[enters room] All right. There he is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I just talk to you for one quick second?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What, your stylist ran out of 'messy spray'? [others laugh]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, actually it's, it's for your own good. I think maybe we should- [gestures toward hallway]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You want to do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop 'til you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go hell. [others laugh]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Nice. [To Jim] Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Packer] Silence." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Aw, I'm just trying to-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[interrupts] I know what you're trying to do, I don't want it. [to Jim] But your face does look like the guy from Operation." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "That's... that's the same guy. It's the joke I made." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Different guy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, I just think you should know that-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[interrupts] That you look like the world's tallest hobbit. [others laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I tried. [gestures the meeting room] You saw it, so, it's on the record. I have a plane to catch." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "Just open the program and type in his user name." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Can you just do it?" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "[after briefly typing] Here, type in your password." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "'Erin123'" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "That's a terrible password. And you don't 'make a video chat', you video chat." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[annoyed] All right." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[video chat begins, Andy's head enters the screen from the side] Hello?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's so weird. There's something wrong with my laptop. [turns laptop on its side] Oh. I fixed it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, now mine's broken. Hang on. [turns his laptop on its side while lying on desk] Oh, there we go." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone with Jim] He said, 'I did like Dwight'? He's gonna fire him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, I think it was more like, 'you know, I liked him, but I don't anymore because he did a bad job, so I'm definitely gonna yell at him'." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Robert doesn't talk like that. You have to stop Dwight from doing this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I tried. He will not listen." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you actually try your hardest?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes... my pretty hardest. Look, you haven't dealt with him in awhile, all right. He's like super Dwight. It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight, or som- Stanley, back me up." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Don't talk to me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida. But he would back me up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him. Just get the words out. That's all you can do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. All right." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[to Kevin] What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[laughs] Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm, I'm not gonna comment on my personal life." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look, I need this. Ok? Your daughter is a pretty little girl. Let her go door-to-door. You think people gonna buy cookies from my [hesitates] chubby daughter?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh. [looks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Baby, if you’re watching this, you're not chubby, you're beautiful. Daddy's just got to sell some cookies. And we're also gonna exercise more. It's gonna be fun." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to Kevin] Oh, you know what you have to do? To decide? You need to make them do things for you. And, like, buy you things." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or have them sing that song! That the frog does in Looney Tunes." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Make them kiss each other." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Make them kiss me. [everyone 'ew's] [Toby and Darryl look at each other]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes, this is too tan. This right here-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "This is a tanned spot." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't buy it. It, that is a freckle. That is not a tan, ok? I'm gonna have to inspect it in person when you get back here. I want you looking totally 'puerto ricania' when i see you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, Andy, I'm not coming back." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I have a job here. I work for an old lady. [turns laptop to put Irene into view]" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "[waves] Hello!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, that's awesome. That's great." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Toby and Darryl perform Hello! Ma Baby] This is tough. 'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star. I think I've reached my decision. I have decided... that you guys are gonna keep doing things for me." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, no, no, no. It's not worth it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, it's not worth it? That's too bad. 'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, ok so what, you buy 40 boxes?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hungrier." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "50?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hungrier." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're not talking... triple digits?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh yeah, I'm talking triple digits. [folds arms satisfied while Toby and Darryl look at each other] Again. [both start performing Hello! Ma Baby again]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[straightens tie in mirror] Showtime." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[enters abruptly] Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back here. You're like an Amish return stick." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, great, listen to me. Listen to me. [Dwight makes funny gesture] No, no, I know. Will you just let me tell you one thing, please?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, you may tell me one thing. Wait, you want to borrow money?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen to me. Robert is going to veto the Sabre store." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[rolls eyes] Jim, come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, he's gonna kill the store." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And then, I'm pretty sure he's gonna fire you for it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait. [holds up fingers] He's gonna kill the store? And he's gonna fire me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[smiles] That's two things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice try, Jim. Your pranks have never worked in the past and they're not going to work today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, first of all, they've mostly worked, so-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? You might want to get to the airport. It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, come o-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a slu- Ah![Jim tackles Dwight]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Jim holds him back and tries to cover his mouth] Help! Help!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gross! Don't lick my hand! God, why is there so much saliva?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gross!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[attempting to break from Jim's grasp] Ah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? What, what, what, what, what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clutching side] Oh, god! You... oh! My appendix-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My wound hasn't healed yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm so sorry, I forgot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You all right? You ok?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[stops whining and charges Jim] Rrrah!" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[to Cathy] Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him." }, { "character": "Cathy", "line": "I don't know. He's not picking up." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Well, looks like Shnoot's a no-show. Guess he wasn't vice presy material after all. But I am. Put me in, babe. I got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggy-style. I'm your man." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[considers and decides on Packer] Right, let's begin then. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mr. Todd Packer." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Sup?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[notices Andy boxing up things from Erin's desk] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff since apparently she's not coming back. And she didn't bother to tell anyone." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We knew. Ryan told us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ryan, why didn't you tell me?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thought you checker my Tumblr?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You never update it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, I updated it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Does anyone else think this is weird? And like, kind of uncool, actually? To leave us without a receptionist?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We'll find another receptionist. I mean, that's easy. We'll be fine. [Andy nods reluctantly]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[trying to get around Jim] Huh, huh, huh! [slides between Jim's legs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was trying to go-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Get up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, ok." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Get up. All right? I'm not gonna let you by." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then you know what? I'm just gonna have to run right through you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. [Dwight runs in place] What are you doing? Are you really revving up? you know that doesn't work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[tries to jump off wall] Jackie Chan! [falls and groans]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[holding mobile phone up] Go." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[in a feminine voice] Hi. This is Alex." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[in feminine voice] And this is Sam." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[in a feminine voice] Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Don't make me be your pony, Kevin." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Forget it, man." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm out. And so is Toby." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This may be wrong. But there's a limit to what I would do for my child." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah. I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies. I'll do anything. [starts performing Hello! Ma Baby] I'm even gonna kiss Meredith. [kisses Meredith] That is... hmph... that's ah... so good. [almost in tears Meredith pulls him toward her by his tie]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[tackled by Dwight] What are you doing? No. No, no, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This. Ends. Now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is dangerous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[picks Jim up] Rrahh! [both fall]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Anything else you need to talk about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. I think that was it. [Dwight gets up and walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking disheveled in mirror] Once again, it's show time." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, [Dwight enters] which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "If I may speak to that, I have only been vice president of this project for the last half hour, so the man you want is Dwight Shrute." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I don't see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes... but not the man. You may not cancel his soul." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "That was never on the table." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[to Nellie] Are you kidding? [to Robert] She's the queen of the whole freaking Magilla!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "And yet Todd, it's you who's fired." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "What, you, I, I can't get fired. I'm an institution. I have been at this company for 20 years. How many of you have been here that long, huh? [Dwight exits meeting room and helps Jim up]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Dwight and Jim enter office] Hey, hey. They're back. [Everyone greets them]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um, wow you look great. Did you lose some weight?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[to Stanley] Hey! Good to have you back." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[insincerely] Good to be back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Hey, stranger!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw, I missed you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I missed you. [they embrace and kiss as Andy watches on sadly]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm going to Florida to get Erin. [grabs coat, runs out, then returns] Forgot to turn off my email. It's crazy, right? It's just, when she said she was leaving, I felt so- [looks at computer frustrated] 'You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue?' Yes. I am sure. Ah, slow computer!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we’ll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not -- it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. It’s the end of an era." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did a good job, Buddy. Now it’s time to come home." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How long do you think it’s been up there, Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, “Look, a balloon.”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "My kid didn’t have a face tattoo." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I was still thinking of going back to school." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I was still just a paper salesman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "oooh" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Me." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right here." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Allow me to solve your problem, then." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nellie" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What brings you to town?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You messed up saying your name?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That one looks empty." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that's Andy's office." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, is it?" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo." }, { "character": "Alonzo", "line": "Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How are you? How's your family doing?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Nellie." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Robert." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So far, so good." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mm-hm." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "We have a manager." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on phone] Hello." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the..." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[standing in ocean] ...Florida Flu." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "He just hung up on me mid-sentence." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Not much we can do about this until he gets here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can't you do something about this?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "-Right." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?" } ], [ { "character": "Irene", "line": "Erin, you got a package." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm in the bathroom." }, { "character": "Glenn", "line": "Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "Did you wash your hands?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Erin & Irene", "line": "[screaming as Andy busts out of box]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "Where's the ring?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hm?" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "Where's the ring, Lancelot?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you." }, { "character": "Glenn", "line": "[whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "[whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey... don't listen." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m'lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Robert, is Nellie our new manager?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[laughs] This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hot tub party?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Performance reviews." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me." } ], [ { "character": "Glenn", "line": "Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "I think you should leave, young man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You didn't even stop to pee? Gross." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Any luck?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. [Andy's phone vibrating]" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It's fine." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "You could put it on silent." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't think it does that." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "Just go to preferences, then click –" }, { "character": "Glenn", "line": "[answering Andy's phone] Proctology." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, where are you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops, man." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you mean, take my job?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like working here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, should she be our manager?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Those who can't farm, farm celery." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's no limit to what I think I deserve." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Then you accept it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Five percent. No less." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Absolutely not. Seven percent." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Six percent, I know my worth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The raise isn't real." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I am not. Huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a-- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not-- sorry." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, god, nature, please." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "When two animals are having sex, one of them..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[exhales sharply]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "… is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Was that not the--" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "All life is sex. And all sex is competition." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hm." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Was that it? No, that wasn't bad." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. I would've said no." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, great." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Touch me and I'll sue." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I've heard that's amazing when it works." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, if I had my own--" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, I care about you and I think--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "--sorry, you go." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, go ahead." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You broke my heart too." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think... you're a witch." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: “I'm amazing.”" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[drowsily] I'm amazing. [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Irene", "line": "Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon." }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink--" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Irene, what would you do without me?" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Irene", "line": "He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Jim, time for your review." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's not, because you don't really work here." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I'm Tinkerbell." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "And we are grateful." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She dies." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's see it. Show of hands." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I do. [applause] Come on everyone..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, guys, stop." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I already spent the money." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Come on Jim, you're killing her!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "We believe! We believe!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. [applause continues]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I’m sorry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Let's get out of here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, I don't have any stuff." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Like your toothbrush and stuff." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't have one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You don't have a toothbrush?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How do you not have a toothbrush?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I just... there's always one around." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You just use whichever one is sitting there?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of course. I own my toothbrush." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, great. [reads] \"Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy.\" Oh that's not good." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley doesn't have a moustache." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah he does." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, which one of these looks more right? [holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, quick. Who says moustache? [Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who says no moustache? [Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He does have a moustache." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Welcome back, Stanley. [Stanley grunts]" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "\"Good morning, Robert,\" says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. [no one responds] Pam!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! [takes out earbuds]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Is this a video conference you're having with \"Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz\"?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Sorry, sorry, everyone, I'm late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[laughing] Nellie, really, nine fifty?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[laughs] I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ah ha!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, yes, uh... there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?" }, { "character": "Kevin & Meredith", "line": "[in unison] Yes." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ugh! I hate that! No offense." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "None taken." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Who's a native?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. [everyone groans]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, okay." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Nellie?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes, Robert!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You're clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Let's help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why Jim?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m sorry, we're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm still not sure why this woman is even here." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why is she here?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sings] Two crazy kids on the journey of life." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[sings] Going to Pennsylvania." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. That must be nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm-hmm. It's a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh. Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sings] Time to have a little kiss!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I believe in that." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes. So do I." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Important." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know, right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She's always late, she's always rude..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "On purpose." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[laughs] We should do it right here in the break room. [they giggle]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Order carrot cake. [laughter]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "...and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Consider it nailed." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[vocalizing] I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[whining] What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just need you to know-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What is it? I didn't sleep well last night. [they laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[lifting box] Ugh! Ow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? \"Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was one time-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[cell phone rings] Excuse me, one second. Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, what's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shouting] Haulin' cube!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So we're planning this party for Nellie, and we're gonna make it really bad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds like every other party." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. We're gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! Hire a magician." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Trust me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow. There's a lot of cars here. This is just weird." }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "[knocks on car window] Andy! Hey, what are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Lauren. Look at you." }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "Well, I know. Look at me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica." }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "Aww! [clicks tongue]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why is Erin with me? That's a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totaled her car." }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "Oh. God." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So, I'm Erin. Hi." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yep. This is Erin." }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "Nice to meet you. [Erin gasps at another girl outside her window] Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime. Should we go?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just-" }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "Oh, Jess! [claps] Look who stopped by after his business trip!" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Andy! Hey!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, you should." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[finds shoe box] Ooh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[reads] \"Nellie, don't open, stupid. Love, Nellie.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have to see these shoes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I doubt that they're sh-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa. Who is this guy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here's the two of them taking a hike. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Boyfriend." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Like a boyfriend?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You read my mind." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he's a hated Italian politician." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[walks in] Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Nellie. I'm so sorry. We were just..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why not call..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shh!" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's awful. What kind of restaurant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I couldn't afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "God, no. That's the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[in the phone] You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let's give up on all this mean stuff." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea- everyone loved it. You don't have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that's not what I-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Jim, could you give us a hand?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely. Yeah. [whispers] Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It's way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, okay. Okay, I will. [hangs up phone]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pam, we have a great idea." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Listen to this." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It's gonna make everyone sick." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or what if..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We discuss... [Angela and Phyllis giggle] the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. [giggling stops] Not mean." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I knew she'd crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We're in far too deep. We can't change course at this point." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you talking about? Yes we can." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What I mean to say is we don't want to." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks." } ], [ { "character": "Lauren", "line": "[pops balloon] Suck it! [cheers, applause]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, uh, I'll just have some gummy bears." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "These are delicious." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But... they're penises." }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. [party guests groan]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don't know Matthew's history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. [laughs] I don't know. I just- I don't think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don't pop that one." }, { "character": "Party guests", "line": "No, pop it. Pop it! [Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer]" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Sorry. It's kind of a madhouse." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "[grabs Andy] Ahh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh! Ah, Megan." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "You are one of the good ones, nard dog." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aww." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "No, really. [to Jessica] Where's my Andy?" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "I dunno." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, he's out there." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "Aww. Are you going to sing for us?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so..." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "That's not like you. That's not like you. Come on, sing! Sing!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, they're almost here- What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? [rips down ugly photo of Nellie]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Plus everyone would know who you meant." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, that's a great idea. Let's have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nobody's named Monday." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "'Cause there's someone already here named Pam." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Shh, here she comes!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Welcome to your party." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long. [plays off-tune notes]" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, \"Have you heard my originals? They're terrible.\" They said, \"Even better.\" I said, \"I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Maybe we should just go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you?" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Uh, yeah, sure. What's up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, maybe we could talk in private?" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Uh, yeah. What is it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, first just let me say that I hope when I'm done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "You're breaking up with me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I'm gay." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am gay, and I prefer men." }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "I knew it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You did not, Kenny!" }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "You invited me to go shopping with you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I'm gay." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Andy, you're not gay. I mean, we were... together. And you seemed pretty excitable." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "I can't say it doesn't make sense..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well... I mean, I was good at hiding it, but-" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Look, it's fine, Andy. I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything. I just... I'm just upset for now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Understandable. And I'm really sorry. I really am. [hugs Jessica, grunts] So... we should probably... go." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Cheers." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Why thank you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Cheers." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died. [laughter]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "We hate Pam. We hate Pam." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "We hate Pam! We hate Pam!" }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "So we've established-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. No." }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "-that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just... disappear? [sets off flash paper]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! [laughter, murmuring]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "That was a really rough scene." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right? Rough scene." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh... at least we can kiss now." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, yeah. [gives him a quick kiss]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, that stuff that I said about you to her... I did- That's just- I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah... I feel really tired." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Probably from seeing that turkey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it." } ], [ { "character": "Magician", "line": "Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "no, Nellie, she-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll do it." }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. [chuckles] All right, let's uh- let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[picks a card] It's the four of hearts." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh, no, you-" }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?" }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place." }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "But I never could seem to figure out those knots." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears." }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "[yells] What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay scram, wizard." }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You heard me!" }, { "character": "Magician", "line": "Huh!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "What? Why are we-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just gotta do one thing. [leaves car, knocks on door]" }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who's here." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay, I'm in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she's right there. She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "Why the hell did you come back here?" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Go away." }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "Get lost!" }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "Get out!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "You're done!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bye guys." }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? [Andy and Erin run to the car] Yeah, run away!" }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "You're disgusting!" }, { "character": "Lauren", "line": "I can't believe you're not gay! [Andy and Erin kiss]" }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "Yeah get out of here." }, { "character": "Various", "line": "Don't come back. [someone throws food at the car]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh-oh! [laughs, they drive away]" }, { "character": "Various", "line": "You don't even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Hank." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Yes ma'am." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Yes ma'am. I got my eyes open." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, turns out he actually made it up there." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "What? That ain't right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, he came and went." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? [Pam nods] You don't think he could've used... it couldn't have been..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's just- let's go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Night-night." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Whoo! Wow, it is raining cats and dogs out there. Holy moley." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phyllis says the same twelve clichés every time it rains. So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So how was the drive in?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You don't say?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah. You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, the plants are gonna love this." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I actually sleep better when it's raining." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Tell me about it." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Time's almost up. How many are left?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just one. \"This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book.\"" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Phyllis. This rain... does it make you wanna be doing something?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, come on." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Lots of things are cozy in the rain." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that's noon. Exactly. [others groan]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay home, curled up with a good book. But everybody's being so nice to me today. I'm really happy being here." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] My girlfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble-" }, { "character": "Andy & Erin", "line": "Hey la, hey la..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "...my girlfriend's back!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[simultaneously] ...his girlfriend's back! [others cheer and applaud]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Anyway, I know it's the end of the day. We just wanted to stop by and say hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Welcome home." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nice sweater." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[wearing a Cornell sweater] Thank you. Nellie was nice enough to give it to me. She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What happened to old salty?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okey dokey. [knocks on door]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa. Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about. I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You are most welcome." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Anyway, now that I'm back, I would love to have my office back, whenever you get a chance." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all this stuff out of here. But, you know, the sooner the better." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Get back to normalcy." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Hmm, no." } ], [ { "character": "Ravi", "line": "...and then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby. [Pam, Jim and Kelly laugh] But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my gosh, thank you so much. But seriously, we don't want to bother you any more than we already have." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's no bother, you guys are our friends." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ravi, our amazing pediatrician, was asking us if we knew any girls and I said I know the perfect girl." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh, that's it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[talks over flashbacks] Kelly has been a handful in the past." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[cries, slams fist on desk] Why?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Ryan and Kelly make out in the nook] But she's had a bad influence. She's like an addict. [Ryan and Kelly argue] And I just had to get her clean." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Ryan and Kelly make out on Oscar's desk] Get lower." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do NOT shake the baby." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't shake our baby?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I'm glad you said something." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Me too." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome, if you're into Indian people. I'm not." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, um, what's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, they're really great together." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's about it, yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Nellie! You've been terrific in your interim capacity. But, Andrew is the rightful manager so if you would just give him his office-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'm sorry?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is what I was trying to tell you." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it because then it feels so good when they finally say yes." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You're both adults. I'm sure you can figure this out between yourselves." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I'm gonna count down from five and if you are not out of my office, I'm going to dock your pay one hundred dollars." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[chuckling] Okay." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Five... four..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You can't dock my pay-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Angela! Dock Andy's pay one hundred dollars." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "On it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great. Five, four, three, two, one. Angela, please dock Nellie's pay a hundred dollars. Angela?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Do you want to go again?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Angela?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Let's go again. Five... four..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ooh, she's counting again." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Three... two... one..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, oh!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Angela, two hundred dollars!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You got it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Seriously, Angela?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "When I see him start to get mad, I just put my hand on his arm like this." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I know what, let's go... ten thousand dollars! [Andy laughs] Five... four..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Three..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's literally like-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Two... [Andy runs out of the room] one." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "There you go. [helps Andy in the car] Hey. we're gonna have a nice, hot date." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey. So last night was so not a big deal." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, yeah, I was just tired." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We both were. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night, like, crazy turns me on. It just didn't last night." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really. It's not a big deal." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, those are from our weekend at the time share." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, the fractional ownership property. [sigh] Oh, we took this one right before we got in that huge fight." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "God I don't even remember what that fight was about." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked, taking those pictures of me. Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, I can send you the link." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "When you lost the manager job-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Did it affect you outside of the office?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know what the technical term is... Penial softiosis?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me. You came to the exact right person for this. No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. Never." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Washington Monument." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eiffel Tower." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I saw you were getting along with Ryan again." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, \"Kelly, that will be the color of our children.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, he's so great. Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Which time?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I- I felt like that question was coming." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So I'll keep you posted on that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Every day I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office. Most of it's irrelevant. But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You can't call a meeting. [laughs] But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So let's get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Okay, if you would like to take a seat we can get started." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh! Can't do it 'cause I gotta run a meeting. So." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wanted to talk to all of you guys about [reads whiteboard] importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is \"impotence.\"" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Which is important in its own way. So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "\"Take a man's job, but leave him his balls.\" Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "This meeting is not about any one person in particular. It is a human problem." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Nellie, does the person affected by this want us to help her in any way in particular?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, oh, it's not me. No, no. I've never had any problem in that arena. And I have been with several older men." }, { "character": "Robert & Creed", "line": "[in unison] How old?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Jinx. Buy me some Coke." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight told me about it earlier." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You promised!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no, no, It's not me. I'm gonna prove it right here and now. [thrusts his pelvis]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop that! Dwight! Stop that, stop it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine, it was me. I couldn't- I had a problem with Erin last night. Happy?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didn't perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You- you're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fascinating." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Chumbo, come on, help me out. Any problems with Little Chumbo?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Tip-top shape." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh... Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No. Um-um." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Creed, you are a thousand years old." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, so I-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Actually Andy, I think maybe we experienced it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What happened?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That a couple of times-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Couple of times." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah Jim." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah Jim, get it out there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... I don't... Uh, yes, that time that it was very late. Uh, we'd had sex so many times already, I was exhausted..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, stop." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was very drunk." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was forty-two. And then when I did, it lasted 'til I was forty-four." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Forty-three was ju- I got nothing done. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I've read- and I don't know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "This is just, uh- This American Life, I think I heard it on." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No, that's absolutely the case." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I know, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only but I could let you rent it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life? Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share? [Creed, Kevin and Meredith raise their hands]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh, ooh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, what are we talking about?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking about this kind of stuff?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse, and then you stress more. And that's a vicious spiral." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I almost didn't come in today. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on the phone] Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level. I don't think you have to tell your friends anything. It hasn't been decided yet." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Erin, on phone memos you're writing the date American style. Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here! [throws phone] Take 'em yourself!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, and another thing! Our sex life is none of your businesses!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And Andy is the manager, not Nellie!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stop protecting me! I'm a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry! I don't mean to lash out at you! There's a lot coming up right now, all at once! [into phone] Dad go to hell, I'm taller than you!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Okay, just calm down." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, why don't you just take a seat?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? [throws chair]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground] And your stupid office! [punches hole in the wall] Ah!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "He does not like that wall." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, Erin, you can join us now." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, I hear you been bad-mouthing me to Kelly." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion. If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before: I don't like you very much." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh come on, Ryan. Really? Ravi's way better." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "For Kelly?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say, just having knowing you a short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem. But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, come on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Read it, please. I love amazing poetry." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. It would cause me too much pain." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Read through the pain. Be strong." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This poem would crush you!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ryan, go away! She found herself a beautiful boyfriend!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous! Please leave her alone." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You see, Kelly? Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ravi makes me incredibly happy. And Ryan puts me through so much drama. So I guess I just have to decide which of those is more important to me." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager and put you back on the sales team. I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident. I already think it's kind of funny. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm saying no." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well you can't say no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sees Ryan on the horse] Oh, boo! Boo! Boo to you! Boo!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You are toxic! You are toxic!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Boo!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, hey. Okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, so please don't interrupt." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I wasn't going to interrupt." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well you do a lot, so just don't. Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated. But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Barf! Ugh, you suck!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What is your problem? [to horse wrangler] Hey, hey, hey, can we turn this back around quickly, please? This is very important to me." }, { "character": "Wrangler", "line": "Turn around. Turn around. Turn around!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Can we turn this [bleep]-ing thing around? Thank you." }, { "character": "Wrangler", "line": "She don't wanna turn around." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Will you roll those dice with me?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You mean so much to me. But, I love Ravi and I choose him." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No you don't." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No you don't." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I hope we can still be friends. Can I have a hug?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What? [they hug]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That was really cool. [they make out]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh. Eww!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it's good to see Kelly's maturing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh God!" } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It's the apology. I really have to insist." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[British accent] No." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Stop saying no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Here- [grabs the box Andy's holding]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah- da, da, da, da. I got it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But you hurt your hand." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I... Got... It." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Right now?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're not the least bit curious to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not at all, can we go?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "\"Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Second line." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "\"He is a drifter out to sea.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"And when the Indian Ocean calms, one speck of white remains in waters cold and Kelly green.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's just so dumb. [chokes up] But when he describes himself as a child, lost on the life raft..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, Ryan can never know." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[pacing back and forth.] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay fine. Ryan, something the matter?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Smokey's dead." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Smokey, the bear?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Smokey Robinson Pam. He died like an hour ago, I guess I'm the first to know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow That's terrible, I really liked him." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh you liked him? That's nice. Did you like when he changed the course of American music like two or three times? Did you like that tracks of my tears is maybe the last true love song ever written? I'm glad you liked him Jim. I am completely devastated right now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I second that emotion." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I know a few of his songs, but what were his big ones?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh God, Nellie! What wasn't his? I mean, um, \"Tracks of my Tears\"?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yeah" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um... God, so many, Nellie!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, no, \"Tracks of My Tears\" and what else? What are some more? What's one more?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, I'm not... I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think you love Smokey Robinson. I think you're just doing all of this to prove how deep you are about music" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't like the Beatles?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's... That's not the point!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eleanor Rigby? Paperback writer?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, you know, you always think you have time to see these legends before they go. What was I so busy doing?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It says here this Smokey Robinson dead thing was a hoax. It's on CNN as of two minutes ago." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay well, that's a relief!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! Look at that! It says he's actually playing State College. That's only three hours away!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, Ryan! That's perfect! You have to go!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tickets are 250 bucks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "250 dollars is nothing to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah... Who's opening?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Paul Anka." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Paul Anka?! How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that? I don't think I can see this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you could just show up late though." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How much is parking, like 30 bucks? That's not what Smokey would have wanted. Does want." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tears of a clown!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Looking good, RC!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ugh, I hate ties! I feel like I'm being strangled like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84. The red room say? Or Dominick's?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Robert! The senator was going to wear dark brown tonight... I'm sure it will be fine." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters! Robert California bought two tables for everyone here! These people were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't want to alarm people, but there is a distinct chance that we are all about to be killed" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, as long as you don't want to alarm people..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is a disgruntled ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh that's Andy. He's just hanging out" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's how workplace tragedies always begin. A middle aged white male \"hanging out\". Call the cops!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, I don't think he's going to hurt anybody." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How do you? I mean, why do you think he's there?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife, could be a gun. Could be a series of guns all lined up to shoot parallel. I'm going up to the roof. [Grabs bag.] And I'm gonna bring my gym bag just in case." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I knew this would happen! Everybody told me if I moved to America, I'd be murdered." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, just wanted to say hi and hear you say everything is normal. Maybe video tape you saying that so that everyone upstairs can see." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We think you might kill Robert." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "because he fired you which means apparently you're living in your car now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "guys, everything is fine! I'm just here to pick up Erin. We're going to the Fundraiser." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, great! That sounds good!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, what? You're going to the fundraiser tonight? That's going to be weird." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why would that be weird?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's going to be super weird, he just fired you last week." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy's just coming as my date." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, I hear you! I hope you're right. It just seems like it's going to be really, really weird." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[hears knocks on door.] Come in!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You really re-did Andy's office, huh?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes, cut out the clutter. Very simple, very minimal." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I need you to sign these, we got a shipment going out." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "How are things in the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You could go downstairs and ask them?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The warehouse isn't downstairs? [laughs.] Is it? Is it?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Who knew, right?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[speechless.] I..." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I go from casual work friends to actual good friends. The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Robert, the senator and I wanted to stop by and say hello." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello! Did anyone order a blast from the past, with a side order of sexy?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh man, this is weird!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andrew. [Robert extends his hand.]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, Wanna shake my hand, huh? Cause I want to shake your body! [hugs Robert and laughs.] I had you, I had you!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[points back and forth at the multiple cameras] Where do I look? It's been so long since I did one of these things? Okay, alright! What's the question? How am I doing? Umm... Great!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Creed, I just bid twenty dollars on six Jiu-Jitsu lessons. No one's raping this guy!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Well, I don't want to get raped [picks up clipboard] Twenty-Two!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No! It was my idea to not be raped!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight enters] Wait, you think Jiu-Jitsu classes cost $22 [grabs clipboard.] If you're going to guess the price, you might as well try to be halfway accurate. $180!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa, Dwight, I don't think you understand." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You guess the price, you win the prize. Have you never been to a Quaker fair before? God!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions. I guess he's the stupid guy in the office, huh? Up till now, we didn't have one!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What haven't I been doing? Gosh, just today I was working on this rock opera that I'm writing, though it feels more like I'm receiving it than writing it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that's exciting! But until you firm up the idea, you might want to keep it between us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship that's shaped like a treble clef. And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sounds like you're doing alright." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ehh, a little better than alright, actually. Really good!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, this guy is having a breakdown." } ], [ { "character": "The Senator", "line": "You know, Oscar, I really had no idea you were so passionate about animals." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "my dog Gerald is my life." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "really? Well, if you want to get involved, call me. This is my cell. I'm more likely to pick up night, say after 9... Excuse me. [Walks away.]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This confirms three things: I'm right about the senator, I still got it, and poor Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[telling story to Nellie.] I stepped in right away and start--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bobby! Bobbo! You're a rock opera guy, right? You like rock operas?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You gotta check out this thing I'm working on, it's really cool. There's this character Thomas Oregon, and he wants to destroy all the guitars in the world because he realizes that music is the one thing he can't control." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "So, Thomas Oregon is an evil figure?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Evil! [chuckles.] although he's humanized in the end because he weeps uncontrolably and pees in his pants." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "and the hero, who's that based on?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Me, I guess. [sings.] We're flying so high, we're crackin' the sky! Gonna fly out of this dome my girlfriend and I!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey jabroni. Show some class." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "She's right, Andy. you're being a jabroni" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're being a Thomas Oregon!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andrew, I think this may have been a bad idea. Why don't you let me pay for you and Erin to go out to a great romantic dinner tonight?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don't need you to pay for me. I'm doing just fine, thank you. Why don't you quit harshing our mellow?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy you should leave. Now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Waiter.] Excuse me. I would like to purchase two seats at another table, please." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "I'm sorry, the tables are sold as complete units." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "then I'll take a table!" }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Okay" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And a high five! [Raises hand, misses high five with waiter.] Oh, let's do this again!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[waiter is cracking pepper into Andys salad] Oh, yes indeed... When! [Waiter begins walking away.] Whoa, whoa, whoa! You forgot a few salads! [waiter peppers another salad.] When!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I stumbled into a very dramatic situation. Angelas husband just hit on me!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my god!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I know!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, what? Come on!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We were talking about animals, he gives me his cell phone number. He was just dying for me to have it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying you're not dreamy, because you are, but isn't it possible that he was just schmoosing a voter?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, if you would have seen the look he gave me, he wanted to run more than just my vote." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, what was this look? [Oscar does the look.]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What happened, did he do it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you-- Twice! For real?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay guys, not every glance means something, alright? Life isn't Downton Abbey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Life is Downton Abbey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go over there and I'm going to talk to him and I guarantee you he gives out his cell phone to everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone.] How much do you guys charge for a one full year gym membership? Thank you!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's $475! Like candy from a baby!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey... David Wallace!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Andy Bernard!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, how are you?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "How you doing, I'm great! How you doing, are you still with Dunder Mifflin?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, got canned last week." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, best thing that ever happened to me." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "That's the attitude to have. You know what, when I got canned, I was lost, right? I poured myself into this ridiculous vacuum for toys called Suck-It." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yikes!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah, exactly right? Then suddenly out of nowhere, the US military bought the patent from me for twenty million dollars! The point is, forget those guys, k? Move on! Good to see you, Andy!" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Call me a lame man, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers... Or Oreos... Or a pizza pie or, what's another food that we like?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Tacos." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos right now!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I can go get us some tacos." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Brilliant!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If you loan me some money." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes, I can do that. For, um, for two tacos, we'd probably need about what 20... $20? Or $25? $20?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "$30." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "$30, yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I've never eaten a taco. I'm not entirely sure what they are. As long as they're not slimy, and please god don't let them have eyes!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Jim shakes Senators hand, returns to table.] So?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Boom! [hands Oscar a business card.]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is interesting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "what is interesting? I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or you proved that he thinks you're gay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He does not think Jim's gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, a gay man would not leave the store wearing those shoes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hey! you bought me those shoes!" } ], [ { "character": "Speaker", "line": "Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight, we are very proud to introduce a great philanthropist and a great guy. Robert California!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Thank you. Why do we love dogs? Want me to tell you why? There is no answer. Our love for them confounds reason!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "can you believe this guy?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "The state senator, Robert Lipton, loves dogs. he asked me if I loved dogs. you know what I said? Yes! [laughter.]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not a joke. That was not even a joke." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years. when her owner passed away she came to this organization for placement. But people don't often adopt older dogs, so Bella and eleven heroes like her are being cared for by our generous volunteers because frankly nobody else will" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I will! I will take all of those dogs!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy, that's very kind--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, no, no. This guy can talk and talk all he wants, but it's not that complicated." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andy why don't we discuss this at a--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, no, no, it's about being there for someone after it's become inconvenient for them to be around. Hello everyone, I am Andy Bernard and I am going to take that bitch home! That is a female dog reference. [Points at himself] This bitch understands loyalty! Sassy human reference [grabs dog] thank you, I will take Bella and every single one of her friends!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh God!" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Mr. Bernard, right this way." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay! Hope you all learned something!" } ], [ { "character": "Vet", "line": "Huey is going to need this medication once every 90 minutes. You can administer it orally, but he's going to puke it up. So, other end is best. Don't split up Daisy and Mojo because daisy will start to, uh... I was going to say bark, but it's more of a scream." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm so ready to love all of these animals. This one's even bonding with me already." }, { "character": "Vet", "line": "Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stupid dog." } ], [ { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Well, if you would like to talk about this some more, my office is always open! So here's my office number, and my cell number." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thank you!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, looks like he really did just want to talk about the issues. i'm Sorry Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No. I'm certainly not disappointed that Angelas husband was not hitting on me. I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Tacos were on sale, eight for $3!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, great! Okay, oh... Oh, these tacos!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hmhmm." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mmm! Uhh [Eats Taco incorrectly.] Mmmm... Oh! Hmmph!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "She's trying." } ], [ { "character": "Speaker", "line": "The winner of the three day trip to the sky top lodge is Dwight Schrute!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[applause] Yes! Thank you!" }, { "character": "Speaker", "line": "The yearlong membership to Scraton-Bikram Yoga is Dwight Schrute!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[applause] Oh yes! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Speaker", "line": "A one hour appointment with the kissing magician goes to Dwight Schrute!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[applause] Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Ha, ha!" }, { "character": "Speaker", "line": "Well, I think I can save us some time, Dwight Schrute has won every single item here!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you very much! All I had to do was look at the prices, idiots! Suck it!" }, { "character": "Speaker", "line": "Well, Dwight, yes! You certainly are a record breaker! Your donation is the largest we've ever received at over 34 thousand dollars! [applause]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. Wow, I can't tell you what an honor it is to support this thing... And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever. But, I want to ask you something: when did it become all about the money. when did it become about the flower arrangements, and the white wine spritser, hmm? and all the dinner rolls. you people should be ashamed of yourselves! How many courses did we have tonight, two? Three maybe, if you choose the pudding? I mean what waste! these tables tarted up like Victorian whores! lets' remember we are all here for the dog society. He's what's important, whatever his name is. Not any of this. So that is going to be my donation to you. Thank you and good night! [throws microphone and runs away]" } ], [ { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Oscar!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Nice to see you again, it was lovely!" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "It was lovely! And don't forget to call." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "okay" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "thanks so much for coming" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "why does this always happen to me? Ahh! I just feel so bad for Angela" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[applying diaper to dog.] so it just goes on under here like this?" }, { "character": "Vet", "line": "that's right!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ugh, oh god!" }, { "character": "Vet", "line": "Yeah, you never get used to that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, just wanted to check in. See how you are doing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am so great!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's great. we're all great. Twelve dogs. This my life now, I'm a dog nurse." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look at that one though, he's smiling!" }, { "character": "Vet", "line": "Yeah, he should be! It's his first day without a muzzle." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Absolutely, it's awesome--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes--" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm sorry, are you guys nuts? He's not doing great! He was fired! This is terrible! This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you, not the best." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're right. he's right, I am a mess. This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys that I'm fine. I guess I thought that if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe--" }, { "character": "Vet", "line": "Maybe you would think it too! [silence.] I'm sorry, it's just I don't get to be in a lot of human conversations." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay well, Andy, listen. It's okay if you don't feel totally settled. This is all very fresh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I mean, admitting you need help is the first step!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! And also, focusing on the positive. Like I got a lot of good things going on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah! Like that rock opera! You could always do that right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I do. I have that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You're going to be alright" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No. No he's not." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, I am! Thank you, Kev!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You're welcome!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. and by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "So some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs. It's been great!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Pepper's been getting me out of the house, going on runs." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "My dog Ruby doesn't do anything, she just lays there all day! She's so chill." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you feed her?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow, but she barely touches it. She's so dainty!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Is she sick? How are her poops?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Doesn't really poop. It's perfect, nothing to pick up! She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl. I put on the TV for her, but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Does she smell?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath, because I'm afraid that she'll drown." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "People seem awful interested in you Ruby. Guess they're just jealous, right! [dog licks Kevins face.] Yeah, that a girl, that a girl! Man that stinks!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don’t you just take estrogen? [swallows powder] [coughs] There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? [kisses bicep] Mwah." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They’d flex them all night at the discotheque." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I bet you think it’s all about core, huh?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, please." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Core’s critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One – lengthen. Two – elongate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who’s the strongest? Well, there’s only one way to solve that – flat curl contest." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Feast on this, Lewis." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I love the burn. The burn is where I live." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, Gabe, you can’t handle his hamstrings. You’re getting hypno-thigh-zed." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Speed set. One. Two." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You’re welcome." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Five. Six." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Quick phone call from you guys, keep going," }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Eight, nine, ten." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "We got it?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very funny Jim." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Everyone, conference room, now. [Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, easy there, grandpa." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don’t need your help." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. You don’t need my help?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here, here… Just…" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Morning." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot… these." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, if you’re gonna hang out for a while, uh…" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What’s this?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is this Robert’s attempt to embarrass me?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, of course not. It’s just – I think it’s like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it’s like, where does it end? So just… [puts visitors tag on Andy]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they’re rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it’s a little much? …Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that’s what it feels like." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, well, enjoy the alumni game." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good, we have a deal?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks Janet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks so much Earl." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, simultaneous sale." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And they said it couldn’t be done. Boom!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Screw ‘em." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Lot going on guys. What’s happening?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It’s like a festival of poo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, hey, come on, language." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, and we’re not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In the fridge." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Jim, the butt, in his butt." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry, man, I can’t focus on zingers. There’s too many potential clients." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You two better watch yourselves." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, the Syracuse branch can’t be happy you’re taking New York clients." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Shh… shh… [vomits in trash can]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Robert?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why did Binghamton close?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Can everyone just, please… I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Columbian whites. What – what is this about, uh, Binghamton?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The branch closed. Forever." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I’m not gonna start doubting my drunken self now." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I got your voicemail. From – from last night." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Wonderful." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "And the answer… is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Pam, when’s the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn’t hold the memories in?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, it was this summer –" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I am a little busy." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yes, ‘course. Why don’t you list the things that would keep you from helping me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I can make you a list." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Let’s do it now. What’s number one?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why don’t I help you now?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "There we go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Harry", "line": "Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you are…" }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "What the hell’s all this?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one’s that guy?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to – how do I put this – steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. [shows sketch]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[pointing at Toby] There he is. That’s Lloyd." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Me?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah, you." } ], [ { "character": "Harry", "line": "Where do you get off crossing state lines?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Now, we’re actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn’t back down from anybody. And he calls people “Kimosabe”." } ], [ { "character": "Harry", "line": "They’re New York. We’re New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That’s the way it’s always been." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There’s actually not a rule that says that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s true." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That’s true. There’s no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could’ve choked so many people by now." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Stay out of my state. It’s in your best interest to stay out of my state." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I’ve seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Just stay out of New York, Lloyd." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. [runs outside]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this?" }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Robert’s here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don’t think we were doing that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim’s leg." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Where’s the Advil, Jim? I think I’ve hit my limit on the Tylenol – Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Doing dishes] Sorry, not Jim." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh, for god –" }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Robert California. What a surprise you’re here in Scranton." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Harry…" }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "How do you mean?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I forgot, a… a pan, uh –" }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There’s no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems… so poorly timed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Listen, Robert, I don’t have time. There’s a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions –" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don’t listen to him." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Used to be Binghamton’s –" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "I want it, it’s mine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Prestige is ours. Okay, they’re responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "We need you to make a decision." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Make a decision." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said… [Andy walks out]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. [walking to car] I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I’ll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one." } ], [ { "character": "Harry", "line": "Is it just me or is our boss a freakin’ weirdo? [stands up, walks outside] I’m gonna get some air." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Gets up and looks out Nellie’s office window] He’s running!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Damn it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wha – what is this supposed to be?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s a monkey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It’s got a hula skirt and a blue nose." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hold on, hold on. Is this him?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that him?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s him! Do something! Get out!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? What am I gonna do? I don’t –" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. [Jim opens passenger door] That’s it? Oh, that’s great. That’s like a five second delay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, let’s go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nos? You mean like in fast and furious?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah, definitely have nos." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hit the nos." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Brace yourself. 3… 2…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got it. Go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "1. Here we go! [turns on wipers]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Oh, do you have an appointment?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I do not." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Okay, I think I can squeeze you in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Seriously? ‘Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "He’s really not that busy." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "Is there someone here to see me?" }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Yes, this man." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "Come on in. [Andy walks in]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So…what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh. Oh, I’ll tell you what he does." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": ": [walks in] Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don’t worry, I won’t lay an egg." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": ": Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": ": I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Did someone say girl talk?" } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I’m pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Do you think I’d like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Uh, I think you’re gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It’ll be upsetting if you don’t." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "Why haven’t I heard of you? You got any references?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. I’m a rogue." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now… [pulls out business card] I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "Every salesman I’ve ever met has given me his personal phone number." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of course they have. Which is why I’m giving you a key to my house. [gives key to C.E.O] Whatever you need – anytime, night or day – you just stop on by." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "You want me to drive to your house if I need paper." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe… you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. [takes off belt, ties doors together]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Running] Ahhh! [Slides into elevator]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You all right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. [Doors about to close, hand stops them] Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah! [Harry walks in]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dwight pushes button for floor two] Dwight, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go, go! Take the stairs! Now!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just run! Take the stairs!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t even know where the stairs are!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’ll stall him. Go!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "God!" }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "[Dwight jumping] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’m gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We’ll be stuck between floors for hours. [pants fall down] Oh. [Jim runs in] My pants fell down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My pants fell down! I don’t have a belt!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walks into lobby] Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "What’s going on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well –" }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse –" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was here first." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I already made an appointment… with your secretary." }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "Let me stop you all right here. I’ve already picked a new paper supplier." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, it’s not D.M Utica, is it?" }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "No, no, it’s not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It’s… Big Red Paper Company." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Big Red Paper Company?" }, { "character": "Mr. Ramish", "line": "Mm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, yes, yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Harry", "line": "Give me a cup of coffee." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, guys. It didn’t work out for any of us, so… we’re still on the same team. Let me get these." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Let him get his own. It’s Syracuse money." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "You know, your partner’s got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim couldn’t land me in a thousand years." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you’re saying there’s a chance." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shut up." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Walks into conference room] Hey." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I stole Nellie’s phone." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you want from me?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Now we get to the bottom of Nellie’s “yes, yes, yes, yes, never.”" }, { "character": "Phone", "line": "Hi, Nell, it’s mom. Do keep your chin up. It can’t be as bad as you described." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oh yes it can." }, { "character": "Phone", "line": "This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Shopaholic." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sounds like it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Phone", "line": "Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Phone", "line": "This is Annie from second nests. I’m sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we’re gonna hold out for that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, that’s enough. [grabs phone]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, no!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No, come on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They’re all deleted." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Pam, Pam, you’ve completely bungled this!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah. Ahh. [walks out]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um… yes. Definitely. With your hair –" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Certainly. Um… you dropped your cell phone." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, gosh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Thank you. I’m… so stupid." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, god, Pam. Don’t get me started." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I will not." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You’ve just got me started. Robert… is… a filthy beast. I mean, don’t you get the feeling, he’s just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well –" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I mean, the man talks of nothing but sex." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But sometimes he talks about flesh… and bacchanals." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No… don’t. Just put it out of your mind." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Pam, what is your address? I’m gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don’t –" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And… I have a new friend. A friend. At work." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[Erin opens door] Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "There’s a call for you on line one." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Who is it?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He says salvation. No last name." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yeah, hello?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in car] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don’t, and I will find another buyer." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "You’re blackmailing me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It’s just business." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You’re gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don’t even know my real name. I’m the *bleep* lizard king. [disconnects]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. [gets out of car, walks to house]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[opens door] Andy Bernard." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You got a minute?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Um… I’m in the middle of a piano lesson." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Dunder Mifflin. [closes door] Now… why would I want that? It’s worth half of what it was three years ago." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Why don’t you come in? [Andy walks in, closes door]" } ], [ { "character": "Harry", "line": "So what would you do if you weren’t selling paper?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, man, I’d have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don’t even care about nationals." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Nothing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you?" }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "I’d like to sell one big thing, you know? Like… a plane. One sale, I’m out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That sounds lovely." }, { "character": "Harry", "line": "Anyway, Robert’s gonna run this company into the ground, so… We won’t be doing this in six months." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[to webcam] Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes- it does get better. When I was younger, um-" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's he doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's searching out younger gays." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...with you. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I-" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do you not own a mirror?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm throwing out all my mirrors." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple-" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's not misleading." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "-pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as \"normal.\" It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin's nose] Ooh! [whimpers]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You okay, Robert?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Put some ice on it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Maybe- maybe not much better... but better." } ], [ { "character": "Sasha", "line": "One, two, three!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, \"muffin basket.\" Then I thought, \"What’s even more precious to people than muffins?\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jake", "line": "Can you just smile, please?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I don't want to!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...their own children." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know why you're doing this, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Jim rips off his clothes] Wha-? [Stanley laughs] Damn it, Jim!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "Bad economy. Bad investment." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?" }, { "character": "Calvin", "line": "They did not." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it." }, { "character": "Calvin", "line": "I wouldn't." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Aw, come on. What's the harm? [makes face] Mmm. What flavor was that?" }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "Coconut penis." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The coconut's pretty subtle." }, { "character": "Calvin", "line": "Come on, man. Can't you just give us a yes or a no?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't know, man. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence. I mean, it was like, y'all came up in here dancing and everybody was- [sees Val] ooh, hold on a second. [sees Brandon] Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[wearing janitor outfit] Hi guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How's it going, man?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[whimpering] I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great, yeah, good." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Oh, how the mediocre have fallen." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No, you don't understand-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Clean the toilets." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I don't need anyone to-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pull the poop out of the toilets." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That's not even a thing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just, please..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Please!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Give me something!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Why don't you clean the carpets for today?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You don't need to-" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I have a delicious secret." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, it is actually." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[enters with the kids] Family picture!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam? No!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Honey, we talked about this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio slash trap." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, and then we decided that was crazy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And we'll make sure Dwight doesn't do anything C-R-A-Z-Y." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, C-R-A-Z..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great, right up there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Why don't you just-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, great. Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "-give him to me and... perfect." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You ready?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Excuse me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There we go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just do it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll just stand here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great." }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "Sir, could you look into the camera?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's do it, shoot it." }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "Sir." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Up here. [whistles]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, right here, right here. [snaps fingers] Okay, good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, so that's it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "See? That wasn't so hard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cute kids, thanks for coming." } ], [ { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing?" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[laughs] Yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Heh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line. [points to line on floor]" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, well, well. Senator Lipton, welcome. Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice to see you. May I hold him?" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which... is impossible... because the senator is the only man I've ever been with." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Phillip cries] See the duckie!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, hold on for a second, folks. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[slaps Dwight's hand away] No. No. I like the baby's hair the way it is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is getting more and more delicious by the minute. [gargles alcohol, chokes, coughs] It's go time." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Nellie, I made soup - I made you some soup." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, I don't want any soup." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But it's really good- [drops soup] Oh!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh come on, Andy!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know this is going to be a great payoff." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A delicious moment." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But after you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, but it-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uh-uh, leave us alone." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "I guess we're okay with the fingernails." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, we're fine!" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh no. [laughs]" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "I'm just gonna take him out and change him just for a second." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He defecated, aw." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "You're stinky." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "A lot has changed since y'all left, okay? You're gonna have to jump through some hoops. And the new foreman is here. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay? So I need you to show her your upmost respect. Make sure she feels welcome and at home, okay? Can you do that?" }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "That's some pretty blatant complementing you're doing there, man. I don't even talk to her like that." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Uh, Brandon?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I would." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "You would?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Calm down, he's not." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes, I am. Just so everyone's on the same page." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "[scoffs] So you really think she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Brandon!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Good slam." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "Thank you, Biggie." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Good luck to you." }, { "character": "Brandon", "line": "Oh, and have a burger for me." } ], [ { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Okay, shall we take a few more?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you, Dwight." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Okay. There we go." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You're dirty, you stink of booze, you're limping inexplicably." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just want you guys not to worry. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, see? This is what we're talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, unfortunately it's true. He's been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You hit her?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. That is not the deal. Calibrate." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's not hitting me. But, he's been verbally abusing me-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's not true either! That's also total- Everyone, please relax. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[enters] Happy birthday to Gabe!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, get out, skeleton man!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I can refer you to someone to talk to." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[his phone rings] Huh? Hold on." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Give you a name or-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just gonna- quick- [answers phone] Hello? Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close? What? No. no, no, no, no, no. You have to come now. Traffic clears? No, next Friday... that's not gonna work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. [inhales, hangs up] Damn it! Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh boy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Andy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "David Wallace hasn't worked here in years." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum \"Suck It\" to the U.S. military." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, come on." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Even I know that's weird." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, Andy, Nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stop saying my name." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, he's not making this up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you, Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But have you ever actually seen him yourself?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[into phone] Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Now you look at me like you're adoring me, I'm gonna look at the camera like I don't even know you're there." }, { "character": "Ravi", "line": "I do adore you." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I know." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why'd they add coconut? I miss original." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Others", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey guys, long time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "David, what are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Is it true you're buying the company?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I've been talking with Andy-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? Thought I heard my name. What? I'm the new manager?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'll get to that in a second, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But it's- it is- it is me? Right?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes, as we've discussed-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "But it's very possible-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Probable." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow. From janitor to manager?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "There's an official announcement, a few details to be-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "From total loss to total boss, I mean-" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Can we expect any payroll interruptions?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Now that is a great question, Stanley. Right now I think all your operations or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida, so to shift back up-" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oof. [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well, okay. Great to meet you." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Pleasure." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I'd love to give you a little rundown on what I've learned about this place." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "That's very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Please. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gosh, I hope so." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "No! God, Mose! God!" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Hi, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "I'm not supposed to say." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes! [slaps Mose] Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[taking photo with Jada] Let's see that smile. Go on. [waves to Val]" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "[stands next to him] Right here?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "May I say one thing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The quality of mercy is not strained." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just want one mother[bleep] delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Special projects manager, that's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, you sly bastard. When can you start?" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ouch. That's gotta hurt!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "But, he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm. Mm-hmm. [they hug, Robert kisses him on the lips]" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "It's been a great year." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Where is it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They're testing it now." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How long does it take to get the results?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seventy-two hours." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're gonna wait here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. [Angela sits and holds his hand]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Dwight kisses her] Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight!" } ], [ { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you?" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "You didn't call." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Um, well, uh, the issue that I- that concerned me..." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "You know what this is about. [covers Phillip's eyes] Call." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy’s coming back today! Andy’s coming back today! Ha! Andy’s coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that’s really good. But I got some disappointing medical news." } ], [ { "character": "Doctor", "line": "Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I told you [Dwight vomits power drink on Angela]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I’m not that good at puzzles." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn’t go there. [Kevin shushes him]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn’t get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You are really good at modesty. She’s a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids’ room. There’s a hippo leading a parade of 500 children—" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kay, well, you had that interesting thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, Jim’s friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In Philly, so, that doesn’t really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He said if it takes off he’s gonna buy us a new car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "An Altima or better." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fiancé Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[tossing out winter coats] I don’t need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Enjoy the snow losers." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I’m so happy for you Kelly." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I’ve actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It’s a big university town. And, uh, that’s not garbage, it’s out clothes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "And that was our summer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "we good?" }, { "character": "Off-camera", "line": "Yeah" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don’t you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company." }, { "character": "Off-camera", "line": "Well we’re more following you guys, to see how you turn out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don’t think anything’s gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there’s just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy’s coming back today!" } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, my god. It’s called a garbage can." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Helpless." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "There’s two new guys back there with me now. They’re in their 20s. And we really get along." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "[Playing computer game with Toby] You’re looking good." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Just three single guys. Getting into trouble." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "They’re like the new Jim and Dwight." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "No thank you. My name’s Pete." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith’s face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy’s here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy’s here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy’s here. Pam, he’s here. [squeals as Andy walks in]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it’ll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It sounds amazing, tell us all about it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What’re you still doing here?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Wonderful, thanks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Brilliant." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It’s Clark and, um—" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Pete!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "What? Why?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cause you’re always taking dumps." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "No I’m not." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I love it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "No, I prefer Fart." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don’t see it." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I don’t either." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! Mind blown. It’s like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, yes I am. [puts his arm around Clark]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, Jr! [Dwight gives Clark a noogie]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In a way it’s like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they’ll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I’ll have a grandson." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Angela’s cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats, Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look [starts playing video on computer]. He’s such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I’ll take him." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Please, after the turtle?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar, Oscar, will you take him?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, I’m a dog person." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Those guys always change back, Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey you wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I gotta go David. [hangs up phone] Why is Nellie still here?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You can only fire Nellie for cause." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm, then I will make up a cause." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Then forget I just told you that." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Can’t. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now I know why Michael hated you so much." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yep, body by Cheez-it" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I think I’m busy that night. Or I would." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, we’re both just kinda learning as we go, aren’t we?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Learning what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Kay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Is this—is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that’s totally fine. Like, I’m fine with it. But you should know that I’m into the ladies." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Spoken like a true root man." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You know, if you’re ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My calls?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven’t had time to pursue yet?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah, I’ll just give it a glance—" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I’ll give it a read." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "With my leads and stuff like that?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cause you’re interested in going into sales?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow, that’s great. That’s great. Ok, good, let’s talk about that, ok?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re not getting my clients! Nice try." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Paranoid? I’m not familiar with the word. And I really don’t have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, get ready for the battle of your life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Done. Explain." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, sales—what sales meeting?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The new guys called one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The new guys called a sales meeting?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There’s no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You should ask him. It’s a color you would never expect. [Dwight storms off] Too easy." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn’t given me a definite yes or no." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Definitely no." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I’m fine with either, but not both. [to Pam] Listen, you’re in this, but you need to wow me, ok?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It’s going to be terrible." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Not necessarily" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No I’m going to make sure that it is. And if it isn’t, I’m going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don’t like to throw around the b-word, but I’m going to be a huge bitch to you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now this is called slack lining." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you’ll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather." }, { "character": "Rafe", "line": "Iceman." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That’s me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete’s foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You a sports fan?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Sure, boxing, tennis." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Any team sports?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "NASCAR. The Amazing Race." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phillies fan, though, right?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "You mean horses?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, like baseball. A baseball team." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Ah, I like the Red Sox. I’m from Vermont." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. Good talk." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have nothing in common with Plop." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, who’s next? Nellie?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nonsense. Get up here." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Go ahead" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I’m very self-conscious about my feet." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! [pushes Nellie off slack line] You suck. Alright, who’s next? Darryl?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Uh, I guess I could give it shot." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Ok" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Focus on the horizon. [Clark successfully walks the slack line] Whoa! Look at this guy." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "I’ve always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Go, Dwight Jr!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Boo, unimpressed. It’s a tightrope for babies. Boo!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Alright, let’s see you do it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, I am just getting started, ok?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You got this, it’s all you. [as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around] Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It’s not a race, Dwight." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well it’s official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[bleeding heavily from the mouth] That’s not true. Just give me another chance." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "But your mouth is ble—" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "This is a bloodbath. Alright, I’m calling this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It is enough of this. Everyone, let’s go back to work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. [tries to go in locked door] Idiots." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn’t seem so macho now, does it? It’s a jump rope!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sees trapeze contraption] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come here, I’ll show you." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why do you want this cat?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I don’t want it, really." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Have you taken any concrete steps?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Well, I’m still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, come on, Pete! God, that’s just sad. If he doesn’t watch himself, he’s gonna be here for years, doing nothing. [sober realization] Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it’s literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I will?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn’t you say?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So you’ll do it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Exactly the way it is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, and there’s nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please? Please, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Find someone else, I don’t know. Ask Phyllis." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can’t use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I’ll be launched into space. God, you’re so insensitive." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Why are you getting rid of it?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Allergies." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Your husband?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, the baby. Please, it’s my husband’s favorite cat. He’s broken up about it. It’s the only time I’ve seen him cry other than our wedding night." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You know what? I will take Comstock." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I’ll come by after work and pick him up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won’t get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "C’est la vie." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Please don’t teach the cat French." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[on phone] Yeah. Good news, tonight when you come over for dinner, you can play with your old buddy Comstock." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You ready?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. You know what? I’ll meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. [prepares bike trapeze]Oh, god." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[tries dialing and hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I’m about to prove it. Dwight Schrute!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, man. It’s halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don’t. I’m in. Yeah, yep, I’m all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. [hangs up] Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woo! [starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over, he dangles from the handlebars] Ahh!!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Crap. Sorry, Nellie." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would—[hit in the face with trash]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mm, swish." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, it’s nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[As trash is thrown at her] Fluke." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[surveying an untidy office] The building’s custodian is on vacation for the month and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement. So, instead, we’re living in filth. But, not for long. Because I have created the chore wheel." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[viewing the chore wheel for the first time] Oh, yeah! Can I spin first?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, it doesn’t spin. We’ll just move the wheel one notch each morning and… you see what chore you get that day." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "A wheel is supposed to spin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, you know, like [motions arm in circles] guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh… guh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I’m familiar with spinning. It’s just that wouldn’t work with a chore wheel because people might get the same chore-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[interrupting] Bugh, boring. All she talks about is chores." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "A wheel wants to spin, Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[reluctantly] Spinning would be more fun." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[frustrated] ‘Kay." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[spinning a new ‘chore wheel’ while everyone claps] Okay, that’s what I’m talking about! Big money, big money! [wheel stops on ‘mug duty’, disappointed] Mug duty?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, you clean all the mugs in the sink." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This sucks." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, seriously, it’s like everything on there is work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don’t think you guys understand why we’re doing this. It’s-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, I don’t think that you understand wheels." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’ve been through several rounds of development with the team and here’s where we stand with the chore wheel. [introducing a third ‘chore wheel’, excited] We’ve got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it’s more fun this way." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[everyone cheers as Meredith spins and lands on ‘tiny wheel’] The tiny wheel actually does have chores. It’s so cute no one seems to mind." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[referencing the ‘tiny wheel’] Toilets! [everyone cheers as Meredith accepts her chore]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[at the Halpert residence as Cece twirls in the front yard, exiting front door] Pam, we gotta go. Cece, go back inside. Grandma’s got breakfast, OK? [to camera] We are going to Roy’s wedding. Yep, Roy. I think the only weird thing about going to your wife’s ex-fiancé’s wedding on a weekday at eight AM is that it’s your wife’s ex-fiancé." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[exiting house] Thanks, mom!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] A banana?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I’m afraid he’s only gonna have hot dogs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, come on. Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to camera] Just… so weird." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[as Pete and Clark enter office] Oh, Pete, you’ve got mail." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Really? I got something?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, it’s addressed to Customer Service so, it’s your mail." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, you know, I’m also Customer Service." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, I’m alternating. [gestures both men]" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "[sarcastically] Yay, another person yelling at me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "That’s really nice." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[looking down at Erin’s desk] Wow, Newsweek, huh? This election… thing is crazy, right?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "[referring to the letter] It’s open." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh yeah, I accidentally read it. It’s not a nice letter." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "[whispering] OK." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[distributing paperwork to the office] Get excited. The special projects fairy has arrived." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I know you don’t really exist." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Today, I launch my big charity initiative ‘Operation Give Back’. Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far but, this one is about charity. So, I’d like to see him piss on that one." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "[at Roy’s wedding] Darryl! Ha-ha! What’s happening?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Congratulations, baby!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Ah, thank you!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim and Pam approaching the wedding venue] Is this his house?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Think so." }, { "character": "Server", "line": "[approaching Jim and Pam] Mimosa?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[taking glass] Thank you." }, { "character": "Server", "line": "Would you like me to take your peel?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[embarrassed] Yes, thank you. [finishes banana and hands server the peel]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[as Jim receives and declines a call] Who’s that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, my ex-fiancé." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sarcastically] Ha-ha." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I started a new business with my college friend. But, Pam doesn’t know. Um… actually I did tell Pam and we decided ‘no’. But, then I decided 'yes' anyway. So, I’m thinking there’s another conversation coming. And, it’s hard to know when that will be." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "With Operation Give Back, you pick the charities Dunder-Mifflin supports." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[grinning] Oh boy! What's happening?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "There's four thousand dollars to give away. So, who has filled out their form? Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "American Diabetes Association." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Um, you have diabetes, Stanley. [to Nellie] I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I w-, uh, I would love to give uh-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[excited] Heifer's International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It's a great prank." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, what about you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Thank you, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, you will be participating." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No thank you." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Participation is mandatory; Dwight, but you can choose whatever cause you like." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine, I chose the Global Relief Foundation." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Great, thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[everyone groans] Oh, for goodness' sake, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "The Taliban is the worst. Great heroine, though." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Give Back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, it looks like there won't be any Operation Give Back. Ha, ha. The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You're welcome. [wads up Nellie's charity sheet and tosses it toward her]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[approaches Roy back at the wedding] There he is. Is it almost time to cut the pancake, or what?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Aw, yeah, god, we appreciate everyone coming so early. It's, everyone's just been so nice." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks for inviting us, by the way-" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was, that was a surprise." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Come on. If it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura. I mean, seriously, kinda dodged a bullet on that one. [sees Jim's reaction] Just kidding." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Thanks...aw." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "By the way, man, this place is... beautiful." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gravel company?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah. What about you? What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not gravel, obviously. [both chuckle] No, things are good. Things are good. Got some stuff in the works. So-" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Oh, cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, you never know." }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "Hey bro, stop wasting time with this haircut. [referring to Jim] He's got a fifty-thousand dollar sports car. Cheers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, Kenny." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "[talking on phone] Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out but where am I gonna find somebody that's pretty, smart and well-informed? Huh? Hold on, hold on. [covers phone's receiver] Erin, do you know anybody that might want... [has realization] Oh my gosh. You love the news, right?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Uh, is it Duncan?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "He's looking for on-air talent and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You mean, put me on the news?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You'll just come over, put on little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we'll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple different ways, with a couple different outfits. It'd be really tasteful and it'd really help me out with Duncan... with my friend. [Erin considers] What do you say? Huh?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Maybe, ok? Let me think about it." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[Pete looks on disappointed] Ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Think it over. [punches Pete]" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "No, Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn, and Rob. But, you don't know them." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon?" } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "So, ah, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you. [approaches piano]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He plays piano?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. Roy? No." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it. [sits in front of piano]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[clapping] You got this, Roy. [Roy begins playing and singing She's Got a Way by Billy Joel, Pam and Jim looked shocked, Phyllis and Bob begin making out]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in the car] We still surprise each other." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Courtside seats. Sixers." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. But, what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was an away game." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams. [long pause] Do we know everything about each other?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tell me one thing about you I don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] Um, ok. [thinks but says nothing]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[in the kitchen] Oh, here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And you thought you guys were millionaires." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You heard that one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. But there's, wait, oh, there's a funny ending to that story. I can't remember." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That I thought we were millionaires." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That's funny. Shoot, I knew that one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's all right." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next. [Oscar chokes on his coffee]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You all right? [Oscar nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you're willing to live by their rules here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Anything else would be inconsistent." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office? [offers Dwight a contract]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[takes contract] Absolutely, I will." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. [in a fake English accent] You don't have a plan." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[holds up pen as Dwight searches his desk] Looking for this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What the? [follows Nellie into the break room]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[taking pen back] Gimme that." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're insane." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "In that case, you... [pulls out a cleaver] will have to chop off my hand." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[considers then takes cleaver] This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you'll miss the most." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sounds like a plan." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in his office] Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[entering annex] Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Uh... couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe, no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Seems unnecessary for an audition." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I absolutely will do that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Awesome. [to Pete] Plop!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Pff. Guess I'll just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "That Clark, huh? Errr [punches palm] Ca!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[in kitchen with several people around] Next question for our oldie-weds-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What's the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[to Kevin] Language." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam's first celebrity crush." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[whispering] John Stamos." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ready?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[as he and Pam flip their cards] John Stamos." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to-" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Johnny Depp." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Johnny Depp. [everyone looks confused toward Toby]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[after awkward pause] Sh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Totally. George Clooney." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "OK, I have one. I have one. [Jim's phone rings and he motions he's taking the call elsewhere]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[while Angela tries asking a question] What is the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[as Pam wonders about Jim] Kevin, stop it with that question." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[in the stairwell on his phone] Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And what'd they say? That's awesome! That, oh my god! Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not even real yet. And I'm not gonna tell her 'til it's real." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think maybe there actually is something I don't know about Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting in the conference room to discuss Erin's confidence." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Her body. We're gonna talk about her body. [to Darryl] Good. Great job." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather 'cause I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to a full conference room] Erin has an audition to be a newscaster. [general acknowledgement]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right? Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "OK, um, I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry. This is for a news audition?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America - Walter Cronkite." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that mustache ride." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? Or..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Has she done the pageant circuit?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, I watch the news." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She's gonna be amazing. Look at her. She's gonna light up the screen." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "This is a first for me. And, I don't get a lot of chances, so I have to take them really seriously. I will do whatever it takes to get the job." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[whispering to Pete] Whatever it takes." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "[whispering] Yeah, I know, I heard. I heard." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[places Nellie's hand on a board and holds up cleaver] This is it. Any questions?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Is it gonna be long?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. It's gonna be over before you know it." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[pretending to read news] Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas. Aren't you glad you waited? Karzai commented." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Um, where did you get that story?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I love it. It's fantastic. Now, tag it with your name." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "For Channel 11 news, I'm Erin Hannon." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pause after 'news'." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "For Channel 11 news... I'm Erin Hannon." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, pause longer." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That was a good one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pause, pause longer. OK? Builds suspense. Don't be shy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Got it. For Channel 11 news... [very long pause]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wha, it's-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm Erin Hannon." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[as Pam stares at him] I can feel you looking at me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. Well, here's something you don't know. A couple of weeks ago-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didn't tell you because, I don't know, I felt embarrassed. And, I didn't know if you would be mad or worried. But, anyway, I thought you'd want to know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[after a pause] That didn't happen. You would've told me right away." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I would've. What about you? Come on, there's gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh... [looks at Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looks knowingly back] Just tell me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "God, give it up, Beesley. You know me too well." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Heh! Ha! [making various sounds and movements while preparing to severe Nellie's hand] [Darryl enters, sees what's happening, and quietly exits]" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey, um, I knew something bothered me and I finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna want to see is how Erin relates to the other people on the news team." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh god." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host... he's already doing camera." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Tuh." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Someone who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know. [Andy smiles at camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha! [raises cleaver] This is for real this time." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's getting late. I thought you guys could use a little [sets up laptop] inspiration." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[Darryl hits play] Oh, a movie. What is this?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "127 hours. It's about this guy who-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no. No spoilers. Please." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "My bad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Goodnight." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "[answers his door to find Erin, Andy and Pete] Hey! Everybody." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Come in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Come on in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[to Pete] What're you doing here?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Sorry, man. Andy though Erin needed a co-anchor. I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[news anchor audition] The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[also as anchor] Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, he tried to but the fire door was blocked." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He sure did." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "All right. We got that. That's a rap, everybody." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Aw!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just, you sure Clark?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yep, she's done." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I just, I don't mean Erin. I mean for me. I didn't feel good about that." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "No, we got it. We got it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Great! Let's get some food. I'm starving." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't think we did get it. I could do, uh, a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "OK, I don't." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm hungry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah, whatever you say, boss." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK. [to Erin] I'll call you later." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Clark] So this is a single." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, even if this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it. And, maybe it'll work out for Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as he and Nellie watch the movie] Oh god." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That is absolutely revolting!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "He is so good, though." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The way he just cuts off his arm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoopty doo. That doesn't make you a genius." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, it doesn't make you stupid." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, it does, actually. It makes you real stupid." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Stupid like you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, like you." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Like you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're the stupid one." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You're the stupid one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're the stupid one." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You're the stupid one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You, you, you, you..." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Fake Jim", "line": "Morning, Dwight" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who are you?" }, { "character": "Fake Jim", "line": "Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian" }, { "character": "Fake Jim", "line": "You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?" }, { "character": "Fake Jim", "line": "Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me." }, { "character": "Voicemail", "line": "Please enter your password." }, { "character": "Voicemail", "line": "You have one new message." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!" }, { "character": "Fake Jim", "line": "Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't work here! You're not Jim!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico’s at 7:30." }, { "character": "Fake Jim", "line": "Oh great, can't wait. [Kisses Pam]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my—! Oh d—! Oh, how did—? [gasps] Huhhhhh!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Heyyy! Study buddies!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Getting things done. Awesome!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let’s knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[speaking in French] S”il vous plait…dites-Moi…Ugggghhh les Bleagh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah! Let’s do it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[exclaims] Atherozar!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[shocked] Oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It means “excellent”. And we have begun." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk]. Is everything okay?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Hmm? Oh—oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d—I just don't wanna—burden you with my massive stress freak outs!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It’s just that I am taking my driver’s license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to “Demandy”...[Points to Andy's office with her thumb]. I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But…in who's car?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[yells] Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior! [hugs Pam]" }, { "character": "Nellie & Pam", "line": "[giggling] ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "As in..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[silently mouths] Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, “What's your stance on politics?” Or, “What is the best war to do?” And, I will just be like, “Duhhhh!”" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oooohhhhhhhh!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Just clap through it, man." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You log in sales at ten different times. If you log ‘em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was really good, Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Life hacking, man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There he is!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me—[gets interrupted by Andy]." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[shushing Jim] Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's me! [chuckles] I am related to Michelle Obama." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What?! Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, it's distant, but..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[chuckles in agreement] Huh ha! That's cool, man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Darryl said, “Cool, man.” He called me as cool man." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mmmm—the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I’m driving, so, I might as well get good at it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Whhooooo!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I’m just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You think that Andy's family owned slaves?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I throat-rip." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Foth aggendak!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You throat-rip." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Foth aggendi!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He/she/it throat rips." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Foth aggenda!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "More of a, barbaric growl." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[in a barbaric growl] Forth aggenda!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Louder! You’re shouting it from the back of a horse!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wah!! Aggenda!!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[laughs mischievously] Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So he's not related to Michelle Obama?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[whispers] Pam! [she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guy’s head]." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, if there’s another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be. I—[gets cut by Andy barging into the convo]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [Mimicks smacking everyone with a whipl]." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why? Is it employee’s day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were—slave owners." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes, yes, yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I included some time saving ideas..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[snaps his fingers] Right on, brotha. Wurddd." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Addor!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Daraas!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Qazer!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Daraas! [asks the rest of the office] Does anyone here have fermented mare’s milk?" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey Erin!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Azem choma! Chomakka-attun!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh—okay. Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah—turn signal. It's exciting to be painting again—those are the wipers. So—the—its—just. There you go! Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, things get so busy with the kids—red light—that it's nice to have that creative outlet—red light! Red light! Red! Red!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, since we're stopped at a light, uhhh, here is...the mural I did for Angela's baby." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That’s amazing, Pam! Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Erin]. Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Vos!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Because of your slaves." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not my slaves, my ancestors’. Maybe. Probably not." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for “slave master”, “attafrauk!”, is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak dothraki! Color you impressed?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That you’re learning a made-up language from HBO’s Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi guys." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. You don't have to ask me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be—[ringtone of Dixie plays]. Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes” by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith—African American—Mambazo." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good. Very good. [cell phone beeping]Oh—no! Here. It's, uh, a text from Andy. “New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P.” And then in parentheses, he wrote out “as soon as possible.”" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, “looking for dirt.”" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh—gee—I’m—" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No! I'm just practicing my lyyiiinggg! [whispers] I love it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Brilliant!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "What should we say about Jim?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ummm. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. [pauses] I just made a joke there." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry. It's just, uhm, I actually do have this weird feeling that there’s something Jim isn't telling me." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim? No." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[sighs]. How can you be sure?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because he just loves me too much." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol’ family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ew." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "And John Wayne?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Not that I see here." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wayne Johnson? The Rock?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True—[touches his nose] Oh no." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight's grandfather was a—[is interrupted by Dwight]." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So…[clears throat]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was gonna say he was a tax evader." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! Hahhahahahahah! Hahahahahah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [mimics stabbing into Angela’s throat]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop it! Stop it! You're frightening me!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, that—you're being really mean, Andy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it’s not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefitting from the terrible things that your ancestors did." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Might've done. And how… do you figure?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Your family's rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You’re gonna po’ mouth" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Exactly. Help me po’ mouth, Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions—" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That could work." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I’m going for a walk." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[with a sigh] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good. Good. And—[Nellie hits the car against the bushes]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You doing alright, man?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm done. I gotta get out of here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, come on, it can always get better. Right?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hmm. Yeah right" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm serious. There's always something better." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Like what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Like hypothetically… if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What kind of job?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Something cool. Like, sports marketing or... that sound something like you'd be into?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hell yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That sounds awesome!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly! So you'd have to..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I love Philly!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's not even a thought—" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not even a thought! It's not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What? Wait, wait, wait? So what? This happening?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, it’s happening! Let’s just keep it between you and me for right now." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. for sure. Man! And Pam's into it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We, uh, we haven't talked about. But I think that she's—I think she understands... what this is." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? No, no, no! Come on! This is real!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's not real... until your wife is on board." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So what did you want to show me?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. It's really ugly" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking…a mural." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You mean me?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes! You! You are soo talented! It’s going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton’s most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my god! I love it! Uh, I—Nellie, this is brilliant! [sees Jim] Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! Can I talk you? For a second?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?! No! I-I got this. [Laughs] Okay?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[quietly] This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "And Filipino. But we’ll break that to her later." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[to Darryl] You know what this is all about." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah. You too, huh?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, youuuu sssnake!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. [whispers] Yeah." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ohhh, Pam, nooo! Oh, I can't bear to watch this." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I still can't believe he didn't tell me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was helping Nellie drive—[Stanley interrupts]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Do not care." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Fonas chek!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dothraas! chek! [giggles]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[in agreement] Hmmm!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video]" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Dunder Mifflin!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's me. [repeats]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fail." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is this like a blooper reel?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy? [Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme]Look at him dance. Fail!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fail!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I deserved that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Darryl runs in slow motion on video] Do do do do do do do." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That was a triple." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "My pleasure." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in video] Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. [Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.] Well, that's all folks. [photo of Andy watersking shows on screen] Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. [Group claps halfheartedly]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I got it right here. [Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself][Group laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That was not a fail." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Fail! Fail! Fail!..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Group continues chanting “Fail!”]That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What's he measuring?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's an EMF hotspot." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[Gasps] Oh my god!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, listen. Everything here is up to code." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine. I will give you one minute." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, please don't use the hourglass." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I'm trying to adopt a baby." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A baby what? A human?!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "And the...agency require a character reference from my employer." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It's not..it's-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well then if I could just convince..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And those sand grains are tumbling.." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "With fury..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It's not..it's not" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Down the sides.." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Entrapment if I'm.." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of the hourglass.." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "..writing.." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Time's up!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Fine." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Reading from computer] “Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!” That means you can't make me do squat." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Week off. That'd be great." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I don't want to teach you Power Point." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Come on! Just show me the Power Point." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Just do the tutorial." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're the tutorial." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You could be." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Mm-mm." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[to Jim] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Getting my wife a week off from work." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You popped one kernel." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Awesome, right? [leaves]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "So Creed is that dude's step dad?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Correct." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Come on." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm not gonna grow a third arm!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[reading from computer] “Side effects of EMF include: headaches...”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Had 'em all my life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "”..breast pain...”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oof. “Infertility.”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Some of these kernels have crowned." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, OK then." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nice job." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's this?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[on phone] There are a hundred packs.." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[On phone] No six after the eight, no...." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Shh!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Shh!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ninety nine cases..yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ooh!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh sorry! Sorry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh my god!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[bumps into Meredith] Sorry." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Lose weight." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm trying. Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh of course, you were adopted." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh thank you so much!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because.." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Stretch. Alright." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How many times do you need to take a stroll?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Boy, I will hammer spank your rear." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "It's a medical thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just...you good?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I'm good. I.." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my god! Ah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yo. Dudeces." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I know I'd be more productive." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "As would I." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No question." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy?" }, { "character": "Phyllis & Kevin & Stanley", "line": "Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes! [Group cheers]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get your foot behind the yellow line." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah Jim! [Group claps]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Sitting outside building] Stop." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Come back." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Too late." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Mmm." } ], [ { "character": "Group", "line": "Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My name is Pam." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like to paint." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You think you're better?" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh no you ain't!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "My name is Kevin." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That is my name." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They call me Kevin." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cause that's my name." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's just mad that we're all having fun." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's fine. He's indestructible." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Never say that." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Next stop pies! [group joins in]" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Next stop pies!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Next stop pies!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wh..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "314 pies." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What if it were salads?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey honey, I don't think we should push him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop ordering me around, Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do we want?!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Pies!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "When do we want it?!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Pies!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh my!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Dwight, what the hell?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just.." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis! That's not safe." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know he's doing all this on purpose." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm barren, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll take it." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who is it?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Um, is this a good time?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, why, is there something?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Alright then." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What position did you use to conceive?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok...that's not..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I don't think that's Nelly." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin.." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bildenkinder." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's pretty good actually." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You feel OK now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, actually, rhubarb is-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't.." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "the one pie that I don't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't.." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, you signed it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[Reading] “She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.”" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I insult you, Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I insult you! To your face!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know what you're talking about." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Then why don't you do something about it?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We did it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You did it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My name is Andy!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "[bored] Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't do drugs!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now check the style!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of Flatt & Scruggs!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Yeah. [Andy plays banjo]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Role call." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Role call." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Role call." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What?" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[screaming upon seeing pumpkin-headed Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[screaming then laughing] It may have been the costliest decision I’ve ever made." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It won’t budge." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can’t get it out. Try again!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as Jim approaches with a knife] Jim, no. No. No! No!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pam, what are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am Dr. Cinderella." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cece’s really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m an oncologist and you are a dog." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, I’m a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh, Jim, you’re not dressed up at all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys. [to Pam, under his breath] Can I have your sunglasses?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Jim, come on. I thought we were past this." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There’s a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gettin’ a lot of mileage out of this, aren’t ya?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, well, get used to it, bud." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "A jitterbug. [giggles] You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The senator will be joining us later." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not a question." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, it wasn’t." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere." }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[singing]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!" }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[sings Karma Chameleon]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aaah! [everyone clapping] So good!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What lab did these little clones escape from?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My Cornell a capella group." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You were in an a capella group?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You went to Cornell?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ugh. I don’t want to sit through a whole concert of that." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I do. I love the boss’s interests." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Atta boy Clark!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael’s Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I’m so not prepared." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you sure you’re okay with me putting in this much money." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I mean, listen if we’re gonna do this thing, we should do it right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You’re the best." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I kind of am. It’s crazy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. I’ll see you in a little bit." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim. Look I’m eating you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shut up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I’m eating Jims." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughing] Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughing hysterically] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no, I’m spilling Jim all over the carpet. [laughing]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Stop it stop it stop it stop it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[picking up spilled candy] Hello little pill. What do you do?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There’s a madman in our midst." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay I give up. What are you?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I’m sexy Toby." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughing] Gross. I love it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dumatril!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Something wrong Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dumatril." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it’s not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It’s not for any disorder of the body. [whispering] It’s for a disorder of the mind." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The mind is part of the body." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... [whispering] They are now off their meds." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight, our co-workers’ health issues are really none of our business so-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What’s going on Nellie? Talk to me." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Hm?" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It’s my pill. I have an anxiety issue and I’m not ashamed of that, But I’m not loving the idea of Dwight having that information. I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yeah, you’re right. This man needs to be apprehended." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’ll get my apprehension kit." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ruh duh duh da dudes! What’s up?" }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[mumbled responses]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know that it’s pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that’s when I became somebody. When I got the nickname \"Boner Champ,\" that is when I became me." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You didn’t come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now’s your chance! I’m here. You got Qs; I got As." }, { "character": "HCT Member #1", "line": "Did you say you’ve got AIDS?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I don’t have AIDS. That’s not what I said. Next question." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You don’t have any-- Any questions about the old days? [clears throat] You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?" }, { "character": "HCT Member #2", "line": "I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m sorry, what?" }, { "character": "HCT Member #2", "line": "I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "I didn’t realize that everybody here dresses up every year." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Me neither." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "It’s Halloween. That is really, really good timing." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you’re Boner Champ." }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "[on computer monitor] I’m so sorry! I don’t know how that could have happened." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you maybe tell them that or...?" }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "I just-- I just started yappin’ about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it’s really stupid, but it’s also really, really, really important." }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "Will do. I love you, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Love you too." } ], [ { "character": "Businessman #1", "line": "So the workspace looks awesome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Businessman #2", "line": "And the graphic designer is going to be sending in some of the logo treatments. I can’t wait to see them." }, { "character": "Businessman #3", "line": "You guys rock. [round of fistbumps]" }, { "character": "Businessman #1", "line": "I killed it." }, { "character": "Businessman #2", "line": "I’ve also been running the numbers and between our backers and our own investments, we’re looking great for a full year on this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, uh, is it too late to get in?" }, { "character": "Businessman #3", "line": "Oh Jim, I explained everything. So you’re all set." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I actually talked to my wife and we’d really like to uh you know, invest - get in on the ground floor." }, { "character": "Businessman #2", "line": "Wow, well what level of investment were you thinking about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We were thinking somewhere between five - ten thousand? I can do the full ten thousand. We should just - [blows air] - all in." }, { "character": "Businessman #3", "line": "Welcome aboard!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. [laughs] Awesome. Cool." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi Daryl. I’m just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You know, to uh, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I can’t really picture it. Can you... get it on there. Yeah. And maybe, get the cheeks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Get under your chin first. Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that where the nanobots like to come in?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Take it all the way up to your lip, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that how they like to get in?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, that’s crazy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] I don’t know. I just don’t know." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yo! Bad boys of a capella." }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[mumbling] Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?" }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob. I guess you really are the Boner Champ." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did he tell you how I got the name?" }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Spring sing ‘95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in, you know. Took the face off. It just seemed easier that way." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted. So, anyway... Hi! Oh, Oscar, remember my husband, the senator?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Senator Lipton, nice to see you." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Nice to see you Oscar." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Wait a second, who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together. This is mayhem!" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "So Oscar, you’re a dinosaur." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually I’m the electoral college." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Ouch! Right on target." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis. You two talk, okay? Sorry babe.. Phyllis!" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "God, it’s just so good to see you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I, uh, huh, just [chuckles nervously]" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "All having this wonderful Halloween gathering. Excuse me, is that punch?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "They didn’t know about the snowman story, and when I told ‘em, they were not impressed." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What is with these turkeys?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey! You better do ‘Faith.’ You get me?" }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "We don’t know it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So learn it. You all go to Cornell, you’re like eight Rain men. Just learning the friggin’ song." }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but--" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Buts... are for pooping. Okay? Make it work. You have to or Andy will flip out... And make it a surprise, please. [to Pete] This isn’t stupid." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Hey Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Are... are you me?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh my goodness, look. Look at this." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yeah. I..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[unintelligible mumbling]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes. I thought I’d you know, be you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Look at.. Look at me. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[laughing] It’s funny right? [Toby starts to lean in for a kiss, then runs away]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right. All right, just ...stay focused on the pill." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Okay, look Dwight, let’s just call this thing off. I mean, it’s just an anxiety pill. Lots of people have anxiety." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You think I don’t have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I’ve got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne’er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don’t need some stupid pill to get me through all this." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Cool. Free upper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Don’t dog catch me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gotcha! Yeah! Let’s see ya get out of this web, huh?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Let me out!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The pill is mine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Get her out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Stop baggin’ my head!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh Dwight, look, its just a pill, all right? It’s for anxiety. I take it every day. And it makes me feel better. And maybe it could help you too." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, how’d it go?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh man, it was great. They were great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you end up investing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did, yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How much?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, man, by the end I guess it was about... ten..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "About ten?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ten. It was the full ten." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Yeah. It’s a good thing we talked about it though, because we had to..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No yeah. Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So did everybody ..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did everybody end up investing ten thousand?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, oh man, I don’t actually know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They weren’t really talking that much about money. They just said, We’re good with investing and then I...and I..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!" }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[vocalizing]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They said they were done with the investing and then you volunteered ten thousand dollars?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, I had to. Look, I needed to look like a team player, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So you invested ten thousand dollars to look like a team player?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You weren’t there." }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[singing ‘I’ll Be’]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was very clear that ten thousand was what we had...we should talk about it later." }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[singing ‘I’ll Be’ directly to Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Talk about it now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, that was most of our savings." }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[still singing]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Wait! Wait. Hold on. Where’s the band? ‘Cause there’s just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah. That's what she said." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "What, am I overdoing it? No. No." } ], [ { "character": "HCT", "line": "[singing]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We said some. We said ‘some.’" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We’ll talk about it later." }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[singing]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We said part not all." } ], [ { "character": "HCT", "line": "[singing ‘Car Wash’]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yes! All right!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh Man! [clapping]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "That’s how you do that! Whoo!" }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Show some pride. This is crap." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I agree. Yes, crap. Continue." }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "Now folks, by special request, we’re going to take it a little old school. There is a former Trebler in this room." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "It’s Mr. Andy Bernard!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[clapping]" }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[singing ‘Faith’]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man..." }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "He reminded us today of how much he means to us. And we certainly seem to mean a lot to him, so without any further ado, here’s an old Treble classic." }, { "character": "HCT", "line": "[singing ‘Faith’]" }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "[on flat screen tv] [singing lead of Faith]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?" }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "She said you wanted to hear ‘Faith’. That’s Broccoli Rob’s signature song." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That’s my signature song." }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "I really didn’t know that man. I just thought you wanted to hear it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Russell, I’m dressed like George Michael." }, { "character": "HCT Member #3", "line": "I thought you were Adam Lambert." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wha...?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it’s kind of pathetic. But when you’re with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "[on screen] He’s still mad." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Shut up, Broccoli." }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing. Russell called me up. And they said they needed 20 cc’s of George Michael stat. So just... Wham! I sprang into action. You know me. I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man’s signature solo is his for life, okay? That’s group policy and you know it." }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "Look, it’s not my fault that I still live near campus, and it’s my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys., and stop in two, three times a week." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just don’t do the song anymore." }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "I tell you what, we’ll have a sing-off for it. You pick twelve alums from any year to back you up and I’ll do the same, and I’m so confident that I’ll win, I won’t even warm up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine, go ahead. Thrash your pipes." }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "My pipes are primo, Champ. Why don’t you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch!" }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "He said, and I quote, ‘Hey Rob, nice pipes’. That happened!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK, fine, yeah. that’s one guy’s opinion!" }, { "character": "Broccoli Rob", "line": "That's real. 'That’ll never change!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Doesn’t mean you’re the best singer ever. Dick." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought that concert was pretty great." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh yeah. I decided that acapelca music is awesome." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "They lost me when they sang ‘Monster Mash’. That song obviously glorifies the occult." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Angela, it’s Halloween. You have to sing ‘Monster Mash’." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh you have to Jim? You literally have to?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No I’m just, I’m saying, what would happen if they didn’t sing it? Would they go to jail? Would they be shot?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. We’ll, just forget it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No! No, I’m interested. I mean I think everybody’s interested in why they have to sing it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because it is Halloween. So if you’re going to sing a concert, it’s a good idea to throw that one in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, yeah, no, no. It’s a good idea to brush your teeth. But you have to um, feed your children. Send them to school. You know, all things you can’t do if you just keep singing ‘Monster Mash.’" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It turns out, that Pam? Really, really hates ‘Monster Mash.’ I mean like, never bring that song up in front of her. Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song, Pam was like, No! Hate it! Stupid!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughing] Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, what if we did that? Like we got jobs and we were happy all the time?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh well, Andy, we’re not moving to Cornell." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Duh. I know. That would be insane." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It could totally work though. I don’t know why we wouldn’t. Oh my god are we doing this?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oy. Andy, what’s going on?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If I am not Boner Champ, I don’t know who I am." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, um, you know maybe you’re the wise old guy that the new uh, B-O-N-E-R champ looks up to. You know, you could just--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Make a donation." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, I was gonna say, be a mentor." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] I want some of those pills." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, well good for you. I mean, you’ll need a prescription." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They’re not for me. They’re for my cousin Mose. He’s just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mm. Got it. Well, you tell Mose that he’s a good man and that I hope he feels better." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which one? Mose or the real Mose?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The real Mose." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He says Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on phone] Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up this scholarship for a capella kids at Cornell and just need to wire some money over there. [pause] What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What’s wrong?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My parents are broke." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin has overheard him]...Why?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay?" }, { "character": "White", "line": "Or we can hope for a holiday rally?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just..so.." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Competent." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, [bleep] him." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's beautiful. No, I totally get that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can you do this, Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know what that means. Hey, hey-" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[On phone] Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. [hangs up] Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope, that's Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? [Dwight raises hand]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do! I do. I do. I do. I do." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? [Pretends to be on phone] “Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.” It's that easy." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he's on a downward spiral with booze." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. He's in rehab actually." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, it's in New Mexico." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh...So..- how are you holding up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're done Meredith." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...[Group protests]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you chose yourself." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking away] Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit...." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Sounds great." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Perfect." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas. [Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What happened?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Jammed. This day couldn't get worse. [Kevin laughs]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, I think this day could get worse." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Angela] I don't know what you're talking about. [Thumbs up Oscar]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I worked at a Jiffy Lube." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "See? I bet you wouldn’t sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I would if I owned it and I went broke." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? [chokes up] Excuse me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[On phone] Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's gonna be disappointed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Fax?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. [laughs] He's seriously juvenile." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Cool. He's like 40 though, right?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Awesome. Have fun." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up] This is Dwight Shrute." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on other end in conference room] Please hold for Ms. Black." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Shrute." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Iris, thank you so much for having me." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[muffled by watermelon teeth] Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, did you need something?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I just need your signature on this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok. [signs paper] thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I... did not." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[laughing in Oscar's direction] Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! [Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up] I have to go to the bathroom!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That doesn't surprise me." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[In staff meeting] See these forms..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I have to go to the bathroom! [runs out]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[running from elevator] I have to go to the bathroom!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Drives away waving, then screeches to a stop and runs from car]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Look, it's not that I don't want-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said “You can't be a skipper until you're a man.” You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, when does the boat leave, exactly?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tonight." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ok, well then let's leave like right now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah! OK! Let's go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Of course, seriously. Get your coat on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's do it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Let's do it!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[On speakerphone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[As Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes..?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[Jim mimes taking shirt off] I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Takes shirt off] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. [Jim holds up card that says “Now Pants”] Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's impossible." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's a tough one." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Please, stop." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Please, stop." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Getting up to leave] I can't, it's too much! [laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm in big trouble." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[pantless] OK, how is my voice now?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[looking at folder he brought Toby]It's clearly not an accounting mistake." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Kevin. His gambling problem must've resurfaced. I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, you've gotta do what you've gotta do." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc...Sandra Mick [points to Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[changing voice] Good afternoon Iris, it's a pleasure." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No the paper's not toxic." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you Sandra!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! [Jim runs panicked into break room]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "uhhhh....no one." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, everything's fine." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Are you insulting my guests?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[chokes up]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[on phone] Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I hope that's it, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just.." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oscar, we're in the middle of talking." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, you're right I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. [gives Kevin money]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh that is nice. Classy move. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[yelling in break room] That's what I'm saying! No of course not!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What are you doing?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Those figures I gave you? They're false." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "So you set him up." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, he's innocent." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are you talking about? I just did this now." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler.." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's gotta be tough." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Tough? I put an innocent man on death row." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's yours?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's the family boat!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America." } ], [ { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "Move." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sorry?" }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "Trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure, I um..I didn't know." }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gee, he was salty." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Geez, a little bit. [to boat] How you doing old buddy? Missed you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What does that one do?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I wish I had seen you do it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Begins raising sail] Up she goes!" }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "Don't do that. Don't do that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me." }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "Nope. Can't do that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. [begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand]" }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "We've already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- [Raises sail, guys slaps hand again] wow." }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, fine." }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, fine." }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "Good stuff." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good stuff. Nice stuff. [begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy's hand again] [bleep] Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, we're doing it. We're finally having a picnic on the boat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine. But I could have." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am the captain." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm the captain. [to boat guy] Hey, charm school." }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm taking it over from here." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Nice!" }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there." }, { "character": "Boat Guy", "line": "OK, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater?" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson [points to Jim]." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[using black voice] Good afternoon! [Darryl smacks his arm]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please sir! Spare him. Please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, Mr. Shrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr... Wallace." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you even know what you're doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. [Opens door, Andy's brother is passed out inside] Walt?" }, { "character": "Walt Jr.", "line": "Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I thought you were in rehab." }, { "character": "Walt Jr.", "line": "Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Bahamas, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Same thing. [To Walt] Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[On phone] Hello?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "David, is that you?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah? Are you ok?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well, thanks Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Walk out of the house..." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[enters main office, group claps] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[joins in] Shrute! Shrute!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, I am sorry Kevin." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. [Senator enters]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Honey! What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? [touches Oscar's shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar? What is going on? What was that?" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Come on Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. [claps, group joins]" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Well, thanks everybody." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "U..s..a. U-" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Standing on dock] Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[pulling away from dock] Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think it would have been really fun and romantic." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[waving from boat] I'll see you in three weeks!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "OK!" }, { "character": "Walt Jr.", "line": "Hey bro! It was here all along. [holding guitar]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No way!" }, { "character": "Walt Jr.", "line": "Way!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin I gotta go![Walt begins playing] Them's my chords!" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey. She's back." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thanks for covering the phones." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah, no problem. How was it?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Does he have a flipper?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He sounds like an idiot." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah, he is." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on computer screen] Ah, what else? I’ve seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That Swayze sure can dance dirty." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Don’t you have any sunblock?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They’re like two flaming meatballs in my skull." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family’s boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song -- No, woman. No cry." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on computer] Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That’s what I call the sun now." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Andy, it’s Darryl. Take your drawers off your head." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What else can I show you? Oh, damn it!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, Andy, was.. was that your drinking water?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, it was. That’s okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah! That’s not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? [laughs crazily]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "He’s been sailing for two days." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on computer] I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughing] Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. No! Nooo! [computer falls into ocean]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy. Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[answering phone] Dwight Schrute. [turns on speakerphone] Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on speakerphone] Well, I have some very exciting news." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you didn’t call Jim - that seems significant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi, David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jim, good! You should hear this too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, he shouldn’t." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[taking away Dwight’s handset] Go ahead David, I’m listening." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don’t know where I’d put you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Guys, listen, this is big news. The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office the day before yesterday. They’ve apparently just dropped the supplier they’ve been with for the last ten years. ." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The White Pages." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing “the White Whale”. Look at all that sweet blubber." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Look, we need our top salesman running point on this and Dwight, that is you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’m gonna need to put you on hold for a second. [presses hold button] Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where’s Stanley?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He’s in the bathroom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah! Okay. [presses button again] Hey David, I’m back." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[from the kitchen] Eat it Stanley!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, I spoke with the receptionist over there. It’s someone new but she didn’t catch her name." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Her name?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, hey, Dwight shouldn’t..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shhh! [clears throat] Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Good luck!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good luck to you. [disconnects call]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight, you can’t go. You have a problem with women. You can’t sell to them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is a damnable lie. I love women." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her ‘gy-na’ for your entire meeting." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ew. That’s not good." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, she said she corrected him five times." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "‘Gy-na’ said that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Guys, we can’t let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey remember that week in the 90’s when we got bagels?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I miss Clinton." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you go instead?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can’t. I have the thing." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I’m helping start. Ah, first board meeting. Also, the first time I’ve ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Okay, call down. It’s just me, not Tom Selleck." }, { "character": "Guys in breakroom", "line": "[laughter]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice!" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Toby got us all to participate in Movember. It’s a charity for prostate cancer. You pledge money and then you grow a mustache for the month of November." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "So, this is how we look now. I hope you like being turned on all the time." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Daaaaamn! It just keeps on coming, huh?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I have very fertile hair glands." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember. We have the dopest time back in the annex." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "God!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "We even go to lunch, pick up babes." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[to passing female pedestrian] Smile if you love men’s prostates." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Spring cleaning?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "More like fall cleaning. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[whispering] I think the senator is having an affair." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[dropping desk drawer] This doesn’t... I’m sorry. Wha... what?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think the senator is having an affair." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens. I wake up in a sweat. And then I make Angela’s husband spoon me back to bed." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "When he comes home in the morning, he has this secret little smile." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, I’m sure ...that’s nothing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And he’s always at the yoga studio. He never misses the noon class - it’s Hot Yoga with Blake." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, Blake’s also a guy’s name so he... may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about. Huh. Blake. Who is Blake?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don’t know." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I just never heard about the senator and yoga..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "From you. I’m sure it’s probably nothing. But what’s with the yoga already?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And Blake! All right Angela, calm down! We need to go check this out." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, I’ll go with you." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So, uh, show us how you’d normally sell to a female client." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You’ve got this Schrute." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay, you just walked into her office and begin." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "May I please speak to your boss?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, she is the boss." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I am? Hmm.. [deep voice] Hi, I’m Mr. Hannon. How can I help you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, this isn’t working for me, ‘cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He’s absolutely right. I’m really struggling." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I’ll be the buyer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighing]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello, Mr. Schrute, nice to see you. Please have a seat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No actually, she likes to take her time discussing her needs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I’m finished, it’s over." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, let’s stop here. Anyone have any thoughts?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I thought it went great." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I have uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? Two, how many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me?" } ], [ { "character": "Business partner", "line": "[on phone] Okay lets get started." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I’m here. Are we all on?" }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "Uh,, well you’re the only one ‘on’ - we’re all here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[nervous laughter] Right. Okay, uh, over the next three months..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That’s the winter season., three months." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I uh, I have some ideas, actually..." }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "Are you at your office right now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hushed voice] Uh yeah. Trust me, I’d rather be with you guys." }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "[laughing] Uh, yeah, that sounded kinda spooky-sexy, over here Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, [clearing throat, deeper voice] Sorry, I uh... was just saying that we should uh..." }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "Whoa. [laughing] I think there’s been a bit of a mistake. We’re trying to reach Jim Halpert, not Batman." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughing] Um, you know what? I.. should have just had... I should have just had you call me on my cell." }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "Uh, yeah..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m gonna try a different spot. Okay?" }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "Okay, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I’ll call you right back." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What’s happening in three months?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, when you’re selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight. Also you want to respect their... Are you listening now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, well you have to show us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don’t vibrate at all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Huh. [nodding] Uh huh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kind of." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nellie, why don’t you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you’re listening." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I’ve commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It’s just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am a person." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "And then we thought we’d … I can’t. I just can’t carry on with that face. Look at it. I’m gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he’s laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s a bit extreme." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No, I’m sorry but that is true." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "He’s screwed. They’re meeting in less than an hour." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, all right. God, Dwight, just ignore every instinct you have. It’s all garbage okay? You’re the woman, I’m the salesman, watch what I do and try to learn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I’m a woman. [high voice] I’m a woman. Good?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ms. Thomas, so good to see you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, are those your kids? They’re so cute! They could be models." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. I’m so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Booo! Weird." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay, yeah. This is a lost cause. It’s hopeless." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ten years ago, I didn’t care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I’m like, that poor gimp is somebody’s child." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look, I have no problem with women. It’s businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don’t lie about your shoulders!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who is a nice, reasonable person in your experience?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, so, when you’re selling to this woman, just imagine that she’s that nice, reasonable barber." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I can do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He used to fight dogs." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Like, he used to make dogs fight? Or he actually fought dogs?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Little of this, little of that." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Which one is the instructor? There all fatties." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela! [whispering] Angela. There." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[whispering] On the stairs. Stay calm. Stay down. Oh, so wait. Blake is a her." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh my God! She’s so stunningly tiny! She’s like a petite double zero, for sure. For sure! Holy cow! Look at what they’re doing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She’s repositioning his hips for downward facing dog." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[gasps] I’ve heard of this - dog style. Oh wait. Oh look Oscar, Thumbelina has a boyfriend! And he has a ponytail - ew. I’d like to see that run for office. Oscar, you were right. I had nothing to be worried about. Thank you. Let’s go." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ow." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut up, hold on. Shh. Hold on. Sorry. Look." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "[sound effect of throwing ball]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "This is fun. You know? I mean, this is fun." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in --" }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "[on phone] It was in what? Jim, we’re having a lot of trouble hearing you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The... the... the... what I was saying is the real genius was...[car alarm blaring] was in the..." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Hey! Are those skateboarders back?" }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "[on phone] Jim? Jim, are you there?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Where are they?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was, uh in the authentic design, right? So I mean, you really felt like Michael Jordan was wearing these shoes, so ..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Who was messing with my van?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nobody!" }, { "character": "Business partner", "line": "[on phone] Jordan wore them for nobody? We’re not following you, Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "This ends now!" } ], [ { "character": "Secretary", "line": "Have a seat. Um, she will be right in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, great. Oh, I’m sorry. Do you mind telling me her name? I realized we don’t have it." }, { "character": "Secretary", "line": "Uh... um she’ll be right in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to himself] Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God. It’s Jan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, dear God in heaven." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "You son of a bitch. You’re firing me? Where the hell do you get off?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said that?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Forget everything we taught you. Hey, Jan! It’s so great to see you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Where’s Wallace?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I was under the impression that David Wallace would be coming. He bought back Dunder Mifflin, correct?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry. Um, David is in Vermont. Did you speak with him? He sent Dwight instead." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont." }, { "character": "Molly", "line": "Oh, my God. Um, I talked to his assistant. And I guess it did get a little confusing ‘cause you said not to tell anyone your name. And then also, those bluetooths are very hard to hear with. I know you love the way they look, but Tom never had us use them..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Molly. I am not Tom. I am Jan." }, { "character": "Molly", "line": "I’m so sorry Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with uh, David Wallace after all these years. Oh, well. What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listening." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Stop that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So this was all just a trick. You don’t really have any business to give?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, I do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But not to us." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Insightful, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You did good, Dwight. It’s okay. I mean, seriously, Jan’s not normal. Let’s just go. She’s not going to sell to us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I’ll be right back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I’m a very busy woman, so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Um, do you have any other pictures of Astrid?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Fine. I will show you one... slide show." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Erin, did this call..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Uh!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry, I uh, just saw your face." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh, I’m sorry. It’s for the thing." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I know. That’s great. It just - it makes it look like there’s an eyebrow in the middle of your face." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "A handsome eyebrow, but, um... it makes your mouth look like an eye socket... which isn’t bad." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But um, you look like a cyclops whose eye... fell out... Which is great. It’s such a great cause." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[chuckles]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[audio from slide show, singing] Mommy, you’re a princess. Mommy, you’re a superstar. Mommy you’re the greatest. How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Aw." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And it is so cute how she signs her name." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[chuckles] Well, that -- that was -- that was me too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, okay. It’s just that’s how Cece does it with the backwards ‘E’s." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Cece can’t spell her name." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, actually she can." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, it’s not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, “Cece” is two letters and “Astrid” is... I mean, there’s even some adults who -- who -- who can’t spell it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... “A”... “X”? I don’t -- you got me." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Don’t patronize me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] I’m so sorry. I hate this. You’re better." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[whispering] Okay, we should go now. Let’s go." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[stammering wildly] Just wait. Just a minute. Just watch. [scoffs]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can’t get enough of the show? Your jollies are all on fire --" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[whispering] Please. It’s Robert who’s enjoying it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This could be the affair that you’re scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are. [pause] But uh, he’s probably not gay. He’s straight. He’s straight, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm. Excuse me. Could I get some more water?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I’ve got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Where’s the Quizno’s?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re the Quizno’s. [chuckles] Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn’t quite meeting your needs -- nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I -- I --" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I don’t recall. And yes, Molly is crap." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, you do not have to do this." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Do what? Get into sales? That’s what I want." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He’s been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Will you uh, [clicks tongue] you. Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight you can go. I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[to Clark] Do you have a valid passport?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Colin", "line": "[on phone] Hey, it’s Colin." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey man. I am so sorry about that." }, { "character": "Colin", "line": "I know. Don’t worry about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Colin", "line": "It’s just... it’s not totally working." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. No, I know. This whole telecommuting thing -- not ideal. But don’t worry. I’ll figure it out." }, { "character": "Colin", "line": "Yeah, well, it’s not just not ideal. I mean, with you there, I don’t know how we’re gonna do this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, what does -- what does that mean?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar, what is happening here? Why would you say you think the senator might be gay?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don’t know, Angela. I’m dehydrated. Maybe... You heard me wrong. We should just go." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Look, look, look. Here he comes. Here he comes. What is he doing?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He’s making a phone call." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[ducking under table with Oscar] Oh. Oh." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[phone vibrates, rings]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey, Molly. You should just quit." }, { "character": "Molly", "line": "Thanks. Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can’t be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, that was really nice. You should ask for her number." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That’s a license number?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. Why me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It’s like air to you people. Ugh, God. [retching]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good morning. [clears throat]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[whispering] Of course, ask me a que--  questions." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is it cool in here to you?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think the thermostat is acting up again." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It’s the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I’m gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I’ll just go downstairs." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, thank you, Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She doesn’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, well, well, it’s finally happened. Pam has ceased caring." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "These are my painting clothes.I think I’m gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sure you don’t want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you avoiding your phone call?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? Yeah, right. As if." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Last week Jim wasn’t there, and they named the company Athlead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tell them your opening line." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who’s not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think it’s good. He likes fishing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is gonna be awful." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they’re in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information’s already on the computer, so....why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to “chillax,” and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don’t give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.  Fight the power." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on in, the water’s fine." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, it’s not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. That’s not why I’m naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I’m sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I’m not in your panties, I don’t go vigilantes. Why don’t you ask your husband?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "My marriage is in danger. I don’t know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": " Something like that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can you arrange a meeting?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can try. I’m gonna use SMS text." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Text went through." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All we can do is sit and wait." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he’s free anytime. Not a problem." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there’s a crisis -- the more I think about it --" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I’m gone." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "They did?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes-- Maybe this can work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, great." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why should we help you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because we’re friends." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "When is my birthday?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Unfair. When’s my birthday?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don’t know, because we’re not friends." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How about this-- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Now we’re talkin’." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Make it go taller." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "That’s the idea." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands]" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Well, I’ve gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You’re not getting this, Peter.  Make it go wider... up!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Will do." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[entering] What are y’all doing?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me and Pete are building a tower." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool. It should be taller though, right?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Obviously. He’s a sweet kid, Darryl. But he’s not the sharpest guy in the drawer." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Kevin, I can hear you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ow! Dwight! Ow!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get in the van." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "God!" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Is it safe to talk?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don’t see them so I think we’re good." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So what are your credentials?" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I’m damn good at it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you have a gun?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "You tell me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "It’s the receipt for my gun." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You don’t carry it with you?" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Read the receipt. That’s a $300 gun. Someone could steal it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor’s had stolen from him?" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Now I keep it in a safe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm-hmm. Good safe?" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It’s just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I’m gonna limit myself to one shrub." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "You paint wall now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that..." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "You paint now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It’s probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "I wait." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sweet." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yay!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That’s what I’m talkin’ about." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote ‘sausage factory.’" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh OOOH!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[approving cheers]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Boom!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Bang." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yep, yep, yep." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Let’s find out what I did." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You get half now and half upon completion of said job." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "And that’s all off the books?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Obviously." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Nice. No taxes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "So what’s the job?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Murder." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Okay, that’s the big one. That’s the big “M.”" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can’t have someone murdered." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What if they deserved it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did they do to you, Angela?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "They’re sleeping with my husband." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "This seems a little crazy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Crazy. Thank you." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "But I think I’m up for it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! No!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I’ve had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch--" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "That’s very effective. I’ve been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It’s devastating." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "What about a knee-capping?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! You’re not helping, Trevor!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, a knee-capping could work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Angela! What are you saying?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You said you would be there for me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’m trying, but what you’re asking is--" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It’s the only thing that will make this right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. But it’s cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can’t scrub worth a damn." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "All right, then it’s settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there’s no turning back." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, truth be told, I think all you’ll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I’m gone." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We’ve got all afternoon to talk about that." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Morning, folks." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I’ll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob--" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Not enough lobster. Side order." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How much wine do you have?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I brought you a cookie." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, thanks, Oscar. You’re such an angel." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we’re good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- Well, I gotta go now, but-- Okay, bye. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "There we go." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[cheers and applause]" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oooohh... you salty dog." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well, yeah, what can I say, a player’s gotta play." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "There you go." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I’m gonna let them think the other thing." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, I got this one." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "What did I just say? What did I just say?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey, hey, hey, it’s just a mistake. Just a mistake. That’s what this tower’s all about --  mistakes. Okay, if you’re afraid of screwing up, the tower’s not for you. Show of hands --- who here has never had a complaint? That’s right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let’s get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "There we go. All right, let’s do it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, at the end of the day, it’s really only two days. I mean, I’ll be back in the office.  If you need me for an emergency, call me.  I’ll be there..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You know what? I don’t know where the years went.  ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don’t even recognize them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tell me about it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I don’t know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. You know what?  Maybe we’ll just... We’ll go slow." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate]" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "All right. Check it out." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[cheers and applause]" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice.  Pretty soon, we’re gonna be at the ceiling." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Can you hand me a card?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Um,. it’s empty." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, come on. We could use a blank card." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "No!!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That’s cheating." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I could get us a complaint." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn’t fart on a butterfly." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I wouldn’t. I can’t even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I’d like to try." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Hmm. Yeah.  All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam..." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[chanting] “Pam!”" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "What? Why did you call me out here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The target-- it’s Oscar, isn’t it? He and the senator are gaying each other." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don’t know what you’re talking about." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you’re engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine! It’s Oscar. So what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger’s knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, you might be right. But it’s too late now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He’s here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! No, no! [groans]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come -- come with me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They’re extraordinary." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yahtzee." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I am Oscar Martinez." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wha-- wh--" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You know, there’s doughnuts in the break room." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice! Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Don’t be pushy Jim. It’s tacky." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that’s-- that’s decorative." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, there’s wine in here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Still decorative." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is it white wine?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[to customer] Can you help me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don’t-- don’t-- don’t pole people with knives." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phyllis!  Wow." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ooh, bring it over." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Got it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There’s no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who’s the father of her child?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don’t know what you’re talking about." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, don’t lie. I’m trying to save those precious knees you’re always bragging about.  Now, let’s get out of here. He could be right behind us." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aah! Actually, he’s right in front of us." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Let’s get it on. I’m gonna do this. I might-- I might puke, but I’m gonna do this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He’s a Dunder-Mifflin man. He’s my tribe." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "I’m sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I’m gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues-- Stop! No!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I got it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Disarm!" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "You don’t-- [all three grunting]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don’t move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others]" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Okay, okay, okay, okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! No, Oscar. He’s a friend. He’s a friend." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They’re family-owned, but don’t let that take away from your edge!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Remember, you’re a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I’m calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, “Hey, kool-aid.” Yeah, your mama’s fat. This is Pam Halpert." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Did she buy it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Basically I couldn’t tell, but I think..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Were they angry?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I-- I thought they were confused at least..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[cheering]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice. Nice." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You did good. You did good." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "See ya later, Heymont." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What the hell, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "See ya later, Trevor." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "you are incorrigible!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just saved your life. You’re welcome!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You deserved every bit of it!  You made my husband gay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What-- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. No." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, until you face that, you’re gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead -- I won’t stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, it’s a lead freaking pipe." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "God! [kicks Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Aah!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You were supposed to be my friend." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I’m so sorry. Angela--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oscar." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert..." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[cheers and applause]" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "For insulting a client’s recently deceased mother." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I did not know that." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m so sorry." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "yeah. That’s-- that is terrible." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You did it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re not stupid. Jazz is stupid." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[crying] Jazz is stupid!  I mean, just play the right notes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. You’re gonna be okay, Monkey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don’t like your friend Trevor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don’t like him either.  And yet I really like him." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, we’re here. Perfect.  [covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We’re gonna cover for you, ya know." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[chuckles]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or--" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is hilarious, but we’re gonna stop with all--" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Shuckin’ your peas." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shuckin’ the peas.  You should go back to the first part, though. You are  gonna  cover for me?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "If you’re an artist, you have to be okay with the idea  that you can’t please everybody all the time." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "You paint very bad--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shut up, Hide!  I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him-- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I’m okay with that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That is-- that is a loaded question." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "My pastor said it can come from breast feeding." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He said that?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, he didn’t fight me hard on it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I-- I don’t know if there’s truth to-- to, uh, to that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh... uh..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is it called red-vining?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is it called red-vining?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don’t..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We heard it was called red-vining." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "People red vine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where are gay mens’ vaginas?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "They don’t have vaginas." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No. They’re just regular men." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person’s penis?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh... wow...." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Sighs] I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sure it's fine. it's a blue shirt." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I'd get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word \"Philadelphia\"?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning \"Love,\" and adelph, meaning \"Adolf.\" \"the city that loves Adolf.\" Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh...Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas everyone!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Is It?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I mean, it says \"X-Mas party,\" but I think we all know what that's code for." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, right, like I'm responsible 'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, you are the one in charge of it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't blame me for something we all forgot." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-Cupcakes?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Done, right?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No. I want Tropical Christmas." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Topless Christmas." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Tapas swiss miss." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Spanish tapas, and swiss miss hot cocoa--What's so hard to understand?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We already said no." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Too weird." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Holds up a picture] This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Blows a weak whistle] Party planning cimmittee, emgergency meeting. Now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm on it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think--I think you mean John McCain." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Die hard reference." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I haven't seen it." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "You haven't seen die hard?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Mm-Mmm." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Why haven't you seen die hard?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know, I just haven't." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "\"now, i have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho.\"" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "\"Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs.\"" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "None of this makes any sense to me!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, \"Yippie-Ki-Yay, mother--\"" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes, you are right. Forgive me." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh, that's okay, bud." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nope. [Kevin walks out the door into the kitchen]" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Common mistake." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, it's not." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Points and Pete] Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and loved doing it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, let's hear it." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hear what?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Die hard. Every line. Go." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "\"You don't like flying, do you?\"" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Don't change the subject." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "No, that's the--" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Movie is starting." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[In Kitchen] We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I love Philly. Dirty town." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Comes up behind Jim and puts his hands on Jim's shoulders] Ah-Ha-Ha! Philly! Exciting stuff, man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So you sure you remembered everything for your trip?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I think so." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Think that through for a sec." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, Jim's going to philly tomorrow. He said he was gonna take me with him, but that was two months ago. And I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What else could you possibly be forgetting?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh--" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Things? People?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison [Jim and Daryl walk out of the kitchen] for something he may not have done." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I'm sorry, the--Uh, the Scranton who?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[Gasps] Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I--I could--I could talk about it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[Pats Nellie on the shoulder as he's walking by her] See you next Christmas." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great...I think we all know what that would mean to us." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Let's do it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes! Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. I don't want my name attached to this party." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Please just take my name off of everything." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just take her name off of everything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Clears her throat] The party planning committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! Yeah! [High Fives Jim] Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! [High Fives Pam] Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, there is one rule that you need to take very seriously." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And that is..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That there are no rules." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have never been cooler." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Best Christmas ever." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Plays a trumpet] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What is it? [Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork] Don't touch it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Comes running up at startles Pam] Somebody's found the hog maw." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can't wait." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How would anyone even know--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. Is it what you expected?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I feel like [Pam look's out the window and camera pans out in The Office]--Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So happy right now." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Speaking German] Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. [Blows out the candle] Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I wish my car had a bathroom." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "\"Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that--\"" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[On a computer, checking the script] Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't know. This looks pretty legit. [Erin's cell phone chimes] Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Reading the email from Andy] \"What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see hobbit. Lates.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey. Everything okay?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So what comes next?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, [Pete stands up] \"After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate--\"" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Or we can just sit and talk, though." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No. No more talking. It's movie time." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I mean, are you sure...Um, yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, great. Great! So we're watching die hard, now. Good! This is a good plan." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[To Nellie in the kitchen] Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[With his mouth full] I love this hog mama." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight said it's \"Hog maw.\"" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Chokes and spits it out] What is maw?!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's the lining of the stomach of--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Cackling] Ohh...[In a German Accent] Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, he is finally nigh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am nigh!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! [Runs over to Stanley and points at his stomach with a stick] Ohh...Too much strudel." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So he's kind of like santa, except dirty and worse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, much better--No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And the fear." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, exactly!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Come on, Dwight, you're making this up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Reading from his phone] This is a real thing. \"Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of st. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany.\"" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Continues reading] \"His partner, zwarte piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface.\"" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys. [Texts warehouse worker, Nate, to forget showing up as zwarte piet]" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Mm. [Chuckles]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Talks drunk angry] Jim, that guy. [Scoffs] You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy...what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? [Sighs] It's awful." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Take a bowl and pass it down." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thank you, Dwight. These are nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, it's like naughty or nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, impish or admirable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Quick question--Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I decided earlier." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, nice. Did you check that list?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course I checked it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I checked it more than once." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Impish or admirable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Damn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. [Jim claps] There you are." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[Takes here gift out of her bowl] Oh. What are these?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'd rather have the bowl." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year [looks over at Angela, then back to Oscar]...as impish! [Smacks Oscar with a stick]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ow! You hit people with that thing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder [puts a mouse trap in Pam's bowl]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Holds the mouse trap up] Mouse trap." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you know what? I gotta go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop giggling." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, really? Already?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, it's all right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a punishment. [Turns to Jim] Hey, where are you going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But you work tomorrow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But we were gonna break the pig rib." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Remember?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this--off with you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Yeah. Have at it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! [Jim holds his hands like a bowl] I judge your year as impish. [Hits Jim with stick]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh! Are you nuts?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Hits Jim three more times] I judge you impish!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They're not abandoning the party. [Hit's Jim again]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just--Just--Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[As he's walking out] That's enough, I'm done! Okay? Agh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Hits Jim some more] Impish! [Chases Jim out]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aah! Ow!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Belsnickel, I gotta run out early too. [Leans up against the wall as Dwight comes back in]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[In the parking lot, holding his side, walking to the taxi, Pam follows] Oh...what was that? Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work. God. [To taxi driver] One second. Oh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well...this is it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm probably never gonna see you again." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shut up. I'm trying to be serious." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, sorry, sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't believe this is actually happening." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together. That was the perfect last Christmas party. All right, wish me luck." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. [Jim and Pam hug] Good luck. You're gonna be great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll call you when I get in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Love you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Love you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. [To camera] And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight! [Takes off hat and beard]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all thos people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin. Kevin! Aaah. Stop it!" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[At Meredtith] Boo!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "For what it's worth, I liked your party better." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think anyone thought that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, that didn't have anything to do with you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Zero." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn It!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm gonna tell Jim to go [Bleep] himself." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah. Definitely. [Erin starts to cry] Hey, what's--Oh, no, come here. [Starts to put his arm around Erin] Hey, hey. Come on, huh?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Sliding away from Pete] I'm still Andy's girlfriend." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh, yeah, of course. I know." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But you can leave your arm." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Walks back into The Office] Yep, I did say that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's going on? Where's the belsnickel?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh--Oh my god!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Holds his finger to Jim's lips] Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash! [High fives Jim]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What happened? Did you miss your bus?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. I just missed my wife.[Gives Pam a hug and a kiss]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Comes back in, holding up the pig rib] I found it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh! [Pig rib breaks and Jim wins, and stuff splatters people. Everyone groans] Damn It! Jim got the bigger half." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[To himself] Back for more, huh? [Gets up and walks towards Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh, nog it. Let me get some nog. [Everyone talking Phyllis pours Jim some eggnog, as Daryl walks in] Thanks, Phyllis. Where's Andy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hey, man. [Daryl walks over to Jim, angrily and stares at Jim] Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Looking at Jim confused] That's great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thanks, man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, of course." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I shall come by at your convenience." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you, sir. [Tips his glass to Daryl]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Claps his hands once, spins around] Whoo!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Go get 'em." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Falls backwards onto the food table] Oh! Whoa!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very impish." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Two dimes, seven nickels--Well, okay, no, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and--" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Shh. [Puts her finger to Toby's lips]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What? I was just explaining--" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Why wouldn't it--" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[Put her finger to his lips again] Shh." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "But why?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No...more...talking." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Are you gonna kiss me?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes. [Kisses Toby]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think they're going to the conference finals." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I bit my lip at lunch today." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim in pain from his lip]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Good morning, Meredith." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[talking on phone] You sound tired. Everything ok?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right?" }, { "character": "Worker", "line": "Jim, limo's here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, call me later!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good luck!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Love you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Love you too. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Val", "line": "How you doing?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so..." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "It's how it has to be." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I know, I know. It's just hard." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, \"What are you gonna do, breakup with me?\" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hurry up already." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[checking Meredith's head] Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just lice Pam?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Make way, nope, inspect me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop that!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Next!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[getting her head checked] Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam, really? Come on." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Lice. More lice. [Angela shrieks in disgust] Angela has lice." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ew! Oh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[checking Stanley's head] Ooh yabber, lice!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[checking Pam's head] Yikers, lice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No! How? I'm so clean!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[checking Oscar's head] Oh yeah, big time lice." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What are you wearing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You got dumped?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, she ended things." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Here man. [Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate] You need that more than me." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thanks, man." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah [kisses Darryl on the cheek]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Get off me!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm trying to save you from yourself!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary?" }, { "character": "Limo Driver", "line": "Yeah, take some home if you want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no, no, no. That's ok. [Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo] Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center?" }, { "character": "Limo Driver", "line": "No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You gotta be kidding me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[shaving her own head] Yes, Pam what do you want?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh stop! I am so sorry!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "To be burned!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "To be washed." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What do we do about our heads?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not gonna lie. Lye!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, all we need is mayonnaise." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's right, it works. I would imagine." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[walks in conference room] Shaboom! How do you like me now!?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Take a picture. It will last longer." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Bald people make me sick." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! Uh, uh I'll go." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay. Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're a saint, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's talk pubes, people." } ], [ { "character": "Val", "line": "Hey, Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, hey Val." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "An Escalade." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Or what's her name." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Val." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Let's get Darryl Val." } ], [ { "character": "Julius Irving", "line": "I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this." }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "Well, do you think you can sink one from deep?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball." }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow, Halpert's got game." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this?" }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "It's your wife? You better take it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right! [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything ok?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's still happening right now actually, so uh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's really making you work for it, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that." }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I love it." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Put those away before you hurt yourself." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar, do you want to be my partner?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to.." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head] Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up?" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[putting mayo on Stanley's head] You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[putting mayo on Creed's head] Creed, I'm all done. My turn." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, wait." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "[putting mayo on Erin's head] How's that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I feel it working. [Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo] Eiffel tower!" } ], [ { "character": "Val", "line": "Can I help you?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Yeah, that's true." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We think you made a big, big mistake." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Big mistake." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Quite enormous." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He's a real catch and you should take him back." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Ok, thank you. Is that all?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever." } ], [ { "character": "Val", "line": "Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[phone rings] Hello?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What, no. That can't...I don't..." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...[Pam hangs up phone]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Shave her head. Shave her head!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[everyone yelling at Pam]You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[talking through the loud speaker] She's right Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is there a volume knob on that thing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Meredith, I am so sorry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I meant to say something earlier. I just..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Just? Just what? Just forgot?" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight, are you okay!?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow. He got to purple." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head] Ow!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're waterboarding me!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oops." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "You're up." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "No, it actually feels kinda nice." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises]" } ], [ { "character": "Val", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "You're not. I believe in us." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "But... [Val kisses Darryl]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm back together with Val. Yay..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off]" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey, did Erin already take off?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I guess so." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Julius", "line": "You're Kareem, coming to help." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud." }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that's all?" }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "That's it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done." }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "Yeah, you show me how." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim's phone goes to voicemail] This is Jim Halpert, leave a message." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, what you doing right now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really? A beer sounds incredible right now." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No duh. Let's go. You're buying." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Meredith, I am so sorry about today." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Forget about it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Get it, girl!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam and Meredith singing karaoke] This one's for all you ladies out there." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[starts singing] I come..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not yet." }, { "character": "Both", "line": "[singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "New Instant Message", "line": "Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! –David Wallace" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They’re a family owned business [chuckles]. Jim and I used to clean up at those. We’d go in pretending to be family – brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone with Jim] I hope you’ve been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it’s time for another episode of “Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire”." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry, Stinky, can’t do it. Too busy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, god, this again? You’re Stinky." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. There’s no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have ears, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, I’m in Philadelphia right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm. That’s a good… question. 300 times… [Jim hangs up] 180… Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Darryl, looking good!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Heading to Philly. Interview with Jim’s company." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why don’t you come along and tell him yourself?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ha ha. That’d be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get… What do you get? Oh my god! Why didn’t I think of this? Andy’s not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, I’m expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything’s in order." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What? Everything? What, how do I make sure it’s in order? I [laughs] haven’t been trained for this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[giggles] Okay, see you later." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Clark!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, look who’s back, Dwight Junior." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, so how was it? I mean… the sex with Jan." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "A gentleman doesn’t discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was… like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uh… like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, “Talk classy, act nasty”." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "What’s with the wig Meredith?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What, is it on backwards? [partially removes wig, revealing her bald head]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It’s an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so… bon appetite." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now that’s Italian." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Always with the friends Oscar. Can’t we just enjoy the new espresso machine?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually, it’s pronounced “espresso”… Wait. That’s what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So…" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but…" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh… No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[sarcastically chuckling] I loved it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "If it’ll lead to me being a salesman, I’ll pretend to be your friend." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then looks like we have a deal… Son [holds up a suit identical to his]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi guys!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey, look who it is!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Try this one. [handing Erin a cup of espresso]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you! [leaves the room]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don’t really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone’s trust. About the pens." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You ready for your interview?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy’s job in the bag until my interview." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you shouldn’t be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, I guess…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really, you can’t be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he’s basically Gumby with hair. [Darryl laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "[chuckling] It’s kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, you’re right! We hadn’t even thought of that, had we boy? [to Clark]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "No, we sure hadn’t Pop. [both chuckling]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Takes picture from desk] Oh! You’re a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? [grabs Clark’s shoulder]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "He calls me Clarky ‘cause he’s my Dad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Guilty!" }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "You don’t meet many hunters these days." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he’s like a serial killer… of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was his birthday, just turned three. So…" }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "Ahh…" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Taste test? I’m in!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "YOLO! [singing and dancing]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What? [everyone is confused]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It’s a thing. It means “you only live once”." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, we’re aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well…" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Alright everybody, who’s in? [everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle] Angela? [Angela shakes her head] Don’t make us come over there." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, I don’t… no." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Alright, let’s go. [starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can’t I just agree without putting my hand in?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Absolutely not!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, fine. [puts a napkin on top of everyone else’s hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ok guys, “we all drink them all”." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley] We all drink them all!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, where’s my ring?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I’m sure it’ll turn up." } ], [ { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "[in the background] Yes ma’am, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. You’ll see us on the right side, you can’t miss us." }, { "character": "Dennis", "line": "…And I want to reach every demographic possible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I hear what you’re saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright?" }, { "character": "Dennis", "line": "We’re talking weeks here, not months, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago." }, { "character": "Dennis", "line": "Alright. Good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. [To Pam] Hey! How are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just wanted to see you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s so great!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s pretty great, right? I mean, we’re coming along… [to coworker] Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis’s timeline" }, { "character": "Wade", "line": "Okay" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[back to Pam] Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "…But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark’s getting out of my car. He’s a good boy, does whatever I say." }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "[sighs] I can’t relate to that, my son hates my guts." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh… really." }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[fumbling] Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they’re not even good. Really, they’re bad. Like you and your son." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[enters] Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but… God I missed you!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[confused] I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re being disrespectful!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "…And I love you, for saying that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispers to Clark] We don’t get along." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is… our relationship is… terr-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Terrible!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Terrible." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, this place is… so great. I had no idea – on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I mean, I don’t even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so… These things go down all the time." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If this company’s going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] Are you cool to just hang out?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure, no problem." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah? [to Darryl] You ready?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let’s do it!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "The pen delivery went amazing, and now I’ve got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I’m not one of those people who’s just like, “Uh, sure. I’ll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back’s turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand… they are just sitting here. Pam didn’t tell me not to unpack them. Don’t want to be a busybody, but I don’t want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it’s insane! I’m sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. I’ve never had an espresso before. They’re good though." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "A-bam! [slams espresso cup on table] My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I’ve tried so far is Alpine Select!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! [giggles and picks up Angela]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "One! [as he picks Angela up in the air]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Two… [picks Angela up again]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop it!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Three…" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That’s enough Kevin." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop it Kevin!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Four!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That’s enough!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin!" } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing." }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "I heard that before…" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, I understand, but –" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Here we go again, another lecture from the old man." }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "Listen to him. He created you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe if you listened a little bit, you’d improve. No wonder women despise you." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Women don’t despise me…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam’s apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn’t see it, or didn’t wanna see it." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Alright, that’s enough, ‘cause I can say some things about him too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah? Like what?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Like the time that you got drunk and, and then… Killed those kids on their way to prom!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That never happened. He’s always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught “saving treats” from the kitty litter box." }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "Really shameful…" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "There’s obviously a volume discount uh, if you-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going “please kitty, may I have some more?” You can’t make this stuff up!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends." }, { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting." }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "Here he is, my son." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Got cat turd collector written all over him." }, { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "…Did you say cat turd collector?" } ], [ { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we’re just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, that’s not a mandate." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "“Mandate”- Always think of two men on a date. [awkward moment] I have gay friends… I have one gay friend. [to Jim] Oscar?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hm" }, { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "Alright, so what makes you think you’d be a good fit here?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[freezes] Ummm… [a moment later] Alright. Obviously y’all look really busy, and uh, I don’t want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhh… Obviously I’m not qualified to be here man, I’m… I’m a warehouse manager, you know…" }, { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "Darryl, I was a newspaper editor." }, { "character": "Female Athlead Employee", "line": "Science teacher, volleyball coach." }, { "character": "3rd Athlead Employee", "line": "I work at a home shopping network." }, { "character": "4th Athlead Employee", "line": "I’m a laywer. I’m the only one here who can honestly help. [group chuckles]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And as you know, I was a paper salesman. [whispers to Darryl] Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. [group overhears and chuckles]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool. Hey, thanks…" }, { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes, as a matter of fact, I uh… [pulls booklets from his bag] I wrote some down. There you go. [passes out booklets] Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! [group laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here!" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I usually take a siesta about now." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "[to Erin] Stocking pens, huh? You’re like the new office administrator." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it’s the truth, I swear." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam! Pam, look out! Erin’s gunning for your job!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, I’m not! [Kevin imitates gunfire] It’s not like that at all! Forget it, I’m so sorry." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam, look out!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day you’ve had." } ], [ { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "By the way, Jim talks about you all the time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That’s sweet that he talks about me." }, { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "It’s too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, that’s funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "We can’t wait until you move here." } ], [ { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "I’m sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you mind? The men are talking." }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "Sons used to idolize their fathers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?" }, { "character": "Suit Store Father", "line": "I’d love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I’m just here for human contract." }, { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "Okay Pop…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, so you’re the boss?" }, { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "That’s right." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hi, I’m Clark." }, { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Let’s talk." }, { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "So if you look at our catalog here…" } ], [ { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "Well, thanks for coming down Darryl." }, { "character": "Female Athlead Employee", "line": "It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think you’d fit in great here." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, yeah me too. I think it’d be like… You know what? [grabs basketball] I think it’d be like a Kevin Durant jump shot… Perfecto! [shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish] Oh my god…" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "They’re the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It’s like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don’t blame Cece." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So I’m like a three year old girl in this scenario…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Say they don’t hire you. It’s not like you’re out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And I’d only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, I’m… I’m not so sure I’d like living in Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right? Thank you! It’s just Philly. Everyone’s acting like it’s New York or Paris or London." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Who needs it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not us." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[enters] Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. They’re going to make you pay for the fish, and… they wanted to know when you can start." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What? [Jim shrugs] How about yesterday?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Congratulations." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I guess you gotta move to Philly after all." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I’m not upset. I’m really excited for Darryl… Maybe I’m a little disappointed that we’ll be losing him." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It’s insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[banging on window] I don’t get the point of this stupid window!" } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad’s suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That’s why his face always breaks out." }, { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? [Clark chuckles]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I’m going to need one right? If I’m ever going to get a “real job” and move my “lazy ass” out of your “G.D. house”." }, { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "He’s got you there…" } ], [ { "character": "Suit Store Son", "line": "[to Clark in dressing room] That’s Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful… Although expensive." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, you don’t want Italian. You’ll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you’ll be doing life in Rikers Island." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, that’s better than looking like the undertaker from boring island." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That place doesn’t exist. It’s not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit] How do I look?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Actually… You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I’ll take one too." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why don’t we move the copier into the annex like we’ve always wanted to?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Frickin’ A!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So long, noise!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "One, two, three! [all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, we’re going to be in so much trouble!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wait! [looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet] It’s beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Tear up the carpet!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Whoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That’s how you do that, baby. It’s all good, I’m ready. Y’all ready for this? [sings intro to “Everybody dance now”, points to Pam to sing first line]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[reluctantly] Everybody dance now… [Darryl continues singing]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin, move. I can’t pull up the rug if you’re standing on it with your rhinoceros feet." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well I can’t stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, enough with the whining already! Why don’t you just have some more coffee?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It’s all gone. I didn’t get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I saw the leaves twitch!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Shut up!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You shut up!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Everybody shut up and work!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We don’t work for you!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hey, it’s five o’clock. [everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[with horns honking] Kevin, can-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What’s going on?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! We did it! [leaving the suit store]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You opened the door-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you closed it. The boys are back in town. [high fives Clark] High fives! Ha ha!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You got me! [tickles Clark and chuckles] I used to collect them!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Each one is very different, like a snowflake." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[shocked after seeing the torn up carpet] Hey… What happened here?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That’s what happened. The pens happened." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "…Are the pens here?" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. “Scranton Mimeograph Corp?” I don’t think we’re doing business with them any time soon. That’s odd.  A letter from Robert Dunder. “A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.” The Holy Grail." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone]: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I’m a little too busy these days to s--- [whispering] Oh ,my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don’t get it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aha! A lightbulb." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "A lightbul--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. [holding note over lamp] Invisible ink." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "“Higher than numbers go.” The ceiling above accounting!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone]: Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end ..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "...and finds the... fake grail? No grail?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You don’t remember?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "An “X.”" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Annex. It must open something in the annex." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "“Sedes introiti.” Seat of entrance." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards]" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That’s a flush." } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[murmuring as Dwight holds up toy forklift]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "The warehouse." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone to Jim] There’s nothing down here." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I expected more from young Halpert." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let’s just forget it. Forget it. [warehouse worker dips donut into golden chalice]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It’s just Pete in sunglasses." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "And then we had him “Like” Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them “Like” Derek’s “Likes.”" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So far, we’re only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pete and I work well together -- not that there’s anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl-- not that I’m into girls. Not that I’m into Pete. Ugh! What was the question?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Co-worker", "line": "Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later." }, { "character": "Co-worker #2", "line": "Uh sure. No problem." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cece’s ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. I’ve been working with her on her move. It’s called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? It’s kind of like this. It’s pretty cute, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pfft, “Athlead”? Please. They’re too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it “Stumpany,” for “Stupid Company.”" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. That’s why I’m doing it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re working for “Stumpany” too?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, I’m switching over." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] Hey, Halpert, what’s the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you’re stealing Darryl too. When will it end?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You won’t stop until you’ve poached us all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Even you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let us lose me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi. How are ya? Good to see you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh, I haven’t heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no, Kevin, it’s not a joke. Angela’s husband put me up for a-- um, just never mind." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have no information. But I’m sure as soon as they know, they’ll call you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now I’m just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, let’s be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with -- some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I’m heading out to Cece’s dance recital." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Aw." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Cece, Daddy’s gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited?" }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let’s call him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. I was just about to call you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Hon, are you close?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am still in Philly, actually." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so I’m stuck here trying to keep him on board." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you weren’t gonna make it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, I couldn’t get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call." }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "I want Daddy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You’re gonna do great. And you know what? Mommy’s gonna record it. So we’ll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes you’re not the best with the phone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, we’re getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, “Bye, Daddy.”" }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "Bye, Daddy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye.  [pause] Yep. See, you’ve still got to press “End,” Pam." }, { "character": "Cece", "line": "Press “End.”" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh, check it out. This is our first real “Like.”" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, my gosh!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh! All right, Alan Olson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow. That guy’s really into paper." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well done, you two." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We did it. Youth task force forever." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "[doing a series of hand bumps with Erin] Bap, bup, bup, bap. Wait. Did I go first and then you?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, you go -- okay." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "All right, all right.Okay, start over." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man.  “Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.” I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around -- on me. Just sign your name below." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[murmuring]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re welcome." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wait. This says “Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge”?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This -- uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "“Loyalty pledge”?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Come on, Dwight, stop overreacting. I’m getting all my work done here. No customers have complained. Nobody even knows." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, we’ll see about that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you’ve got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? “Infuriating, irresponsible”..." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "They got us set up with Windows 95,  so you’re kind of dreaming here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I’m gonna need you to print it out." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[writing on white board] Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because it’s an idea. But what does it mean?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh, it’s when you get a free sandwich after you’ve already eaten ten sandwiches." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority-- the client." }, { "character": "Mr. Romanko", "line": "I wouldn’t say a rage." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mr. Romanko, we were a day late on one of your deliveries, but two of our trucks were down for repairs. It’s very unlikely it would happen again." }, { "character": "Mr. Romanko", "line": "Thank you. Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you’re not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl?  L--" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Loyalty." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Loyalty." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Loyalty is exactly right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes. I mean, it is everything. Let’s all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That’s none of your damn business." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Darryl is “dating” Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Darryl is dating Val... still." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "But he’s flirting with Jim’s company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to." }, { "character": "Mr. Romanko", "line": "I’m sorry. Do I still need to be here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I’m having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So let’s-- let’s use an example. Take Erin. Erin’s boyfriend Andy, is away across the ocean." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Let’s try it out." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No, let’s-- let’s-- let’s not say Creed. Let’s say Mr. X." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I think it would be immoral for Erin to cheat on Andy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t you cheat on Andy?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes. And he didn’t like it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Does Mr. X know that Erin has a boyfriend, or did Erin keep that from Mr. X?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete because that’s the guy that Erin’s flirting with?" } ], [ { "character": "Dance Teacher", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, the Little Ladybug Ballerinas." }, { "character": "Ballerinas", "line": "One, two, three." }, { "character": "Parent in Audience", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry." }, { "character": "Ballerinas", "line": "One, two, three." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] Hello? Yes, this is Pam Halpert. I got the mural? [Loudly] Oh, my God!" }, { "character": "Audience", "line": "Shh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] Um, I’m sorry. I have to go. My daughter’s a ladybug. I know that doesn’t make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you." }, { "character": "Parent in audience #2", "line": "You’re very rude." }, { "character": "Parent in audience #1", "line": "Yes, very rude." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shh! Kids are dancing." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. [chuckles] So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dwight, look, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this, okay? Athlead is my future. No disrespect to Dunder Mifflin, but if I can have fun at work, I want that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It can’t be more fun than selling paper and paper products." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It can." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you pretending to be crazy, huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, Andy’s cute, but he’s too vanilla, whereas Pete - he’s just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I’m just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I haven’t done anything." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah right. With slammin’ bods like that, they ain’t playing checkers." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "People, it’s 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay, can everyone please stop speaking for me? Andy is my boyfriend. Pete and I are just friends. And that’s the end of it. Right, Pete?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "That is correct. Come on, guys, where is this even coming from?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your penis." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[groan]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Nellie, you have to shut down the task force. I’m not sure if you need to start a new task force to do that, but please just shut down the task force." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I suppose that will-- that will be all right, yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Most relationships eventually die on their own, but sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face. You’re welcome, Andy. And you’re welcome, my own ass." } ], [ { "character": "Investor", "line": "Listen, I appreciate you taking the time with me." }, { "character": "Co-worker", "line": "Peter, please. We completely understand your concerns here. Let us just show you the latest projections. Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, Wade actually has those on the road, but he’s gonna be calling in with those numbers any second. So just hold on one s--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, actually... uh, nope. That is my wife. Again, he’ll be calling in any second." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Hey, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance. Cece did great, and I want to tell you something." } ], [ { "character": "Lonnie", "line": "Hey boss, you gotta jump on a delivery." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don’t do that anymore." }, { "character": "Lonnie", "line": "That’s what they told me." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right, let’s get this over with." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! [laughs] Here we go! Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "How far is this place? [turns off radio]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports. [throws small ball at Darryl]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Fun." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, really nice job in that meeting in there." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, thank you. I don’t know, I sort of thought--" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[hugging Nellie] So proud of you, Hon." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, I don’t know. Okay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I’m just curious though, what do you have against Pete and Erin?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, Andy wrote me a really nice recommendation letter for the adoption agency, and I-- I just sort of felt I owed him one." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Pete’s a pretty cool guy, though, and Andy was a terrible lover to Erin. He basically ignored her and left on a boat." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I didn’t really think about it like that." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, well... Not everybody has what we have." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "“What we have”?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Mm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh, no. Oh, no." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Fast food. I’ll take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "They have fast food in Philly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not like this." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Exactly like this." }, { "character": "Fast Food Worker", "line": "And your milkshake." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It’s 30 degrees out. You drinkin’ a mildshake?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nope. [throwing milkshake] Fire in the hole! [laughs] Oh, yeah! Now that’s what working at a paper company’s all about!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k-- We have to go." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s a youtube thing! Let’s go. Let’s go. Come on, they’re coming." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Anyone want to see the video from Cece’s recital?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped... with that [picks up piece of paper]." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I’ll watch it. Let’s get this over with." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "All right, you don’t have to." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Let’s get this over with, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait. What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[recorded on phone] Excuse me, I have to get back to work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no. I took a phone call in the middle of taping, and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "User error. I’ve heard of that happening to other people." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar, don’t rub it in. I’m sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, it was an important phone call." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I haven’t told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news, he’s always like, “Beesly!” I love that. Only thing better than getting the job-- “Beesly!” [chuckles]" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hello, Peter." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[cleaning up milkshake in restaurant] It barely even feels like a prank anymore." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You missed a spot." }, { "character": "Drive Thru Customer", "line": "Fire in the hole! [throwing milkshake] Go! Go! Go! Go! [tires screech]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha ha! Yeah, joke’s on you buddy! They make you come back and clean it up!" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the youth task force." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, no, I really don’t think that’s a good idea." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, that is not your call. I made the decision. You have no choice in the matter, and everybody knows it." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Well, okay, then." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I guess we don’t have a choice." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Lady...you never stop surprising me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[clears throat]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No. I was clearing my throat." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Good night." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Night" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Night" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Night, Creed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, how’s it going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. It’s like everything I did, he just wouldn’t go for it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m so sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have no idea where we’re gonna come up with this money, and we have to work insanely hard over the next few weeks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] Oh, I’m sorry. I feel like you’ve already been working insanely hard." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can you figure out how to upload Cece’s dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, actually, funny story -- I didn’t get it. I shouldn’t have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You’re not serious, are you? You didn’t get any of the recital?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I got the teacher introducing them and then the applause afterwards. But not so much of the middle part." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, Pam. Pam, I asked you if you could use the phone, and you swore that you knew how." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, okay, I’m sorry. I’m sure we can get a copy. A lot of people were taping it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, great. So we’ll see somebody else’s kid with Cece in the background? I mean, it’s really not that hard to film a video." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is there-- um... you want to ease up a little bit?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, Pam, I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, what do I do? It’s gone. That moment’s just gone. I missed it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don’t know, Jim -- maybe you should have been there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You’re not serious, right? I mean, how is that fair? I’m in Philly. These are my days in Philly. You’ve agreed to this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what? I-- I-- I don’t think you want to start a conversation with me about what’s fair. Okay? This is way more intense than I ever --" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, I’m not explaining this to you-- Pam, I’m not going over this again." }, { "character": "Co-worker", "line": "Jim. We need you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t know how else to tell you, okay? I’m doing everything I can every week to bring home something..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am-- I am-- I am trying to make everything perfect here, okay? So that you can have everything that you want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m doing this just for me? Is that what I’m doing? I’m doing it just for me. If that’s what you think, then this is a really sad night. But you know what? I got to go. Okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We’ll talk tomorrow?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye. [quietly crying, sniffling]" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Hey, you okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What am I doing wrong, Brian?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Nothing. You’re doing the best you can." }, { "character": "Cameraman", "line": "Brian." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Give her a minute. Give her a minute." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[crying]" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Hey, it’s just a tough situation, all right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It’s getting tougher. I just didn’t know that it was gonna be this hard." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Yeah. Let’s turn the cameras off. Seriously, guys. Enough. Enough." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Guy", "line": "[on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[watching you tube video, laughing]" }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "[on video] I nailed that guy, dude. Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And replay." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "[on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[sighs] I’m gonna miss the paper business." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Brian, you got a sec?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Yeah, hold on a sec." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I feel awful." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "It’s fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. [phone rings]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[in background] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, thanks for being a good friend." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, mostly." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pam, phone call." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Will do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Thank you." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, boom guy." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Oh, hey Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "When are you gonna boom me?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Uh, listen, they’re cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It’s a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna… I, I’ll see you later." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Got it." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, so I hear you’re bringing in some people to interview for the sales job?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, uh… see, you raised it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim’s desk while he’s away in Philly. Finally I’ll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It’s like, “Really, Jim? You don’t understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.” Wow." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "You know what, man? I deserve this job." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond… and under." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? You’re gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you’re going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Clark has no chance. I mean, he’s up against my buddy Rolf, for God’s sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor – he’ll make you laugh so hard, you’ll puke your pants." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You could’ve just called that an alliance too, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I chose my words very carefully." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that’s only gonna make things worse." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "[sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too?" }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "No. You’re interviewing for it. I’m getting it." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. I mean, I’ve been working here 12 weeks. That’s a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we’ve seen." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "I’m Rolf. Rolf Ahl." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "Go to hell." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "There he is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Come on, buddy. Let’s do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don’t compare. When you’re with the R-O-L-F, you’re literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "Nice." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "When are you talking to David Wallace?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m talking to him this afternoon, but don’t get your hopes up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Too late. My hopes are up." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we’re scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix – me asking the boss of the company I’m abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So… problem solved. Thanks, guys." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And this chair’s gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m on the phone. I’m on the phone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No doy!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m just gonna call you back. Thanks." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don’t do earbuds." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] No earbuds! [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m sure he’s just nervous." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] It’s fine. It’s just a seating arrangement. Doesn’t matter." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So I’ve got your resume here, but it’s not telling me everything." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you’re qualified to evaluate me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I’m the one offering the job." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "What are your credentials?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’ve worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I’m an Assistant to the Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "I think I’ve heard everything I need to hear." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I’m sure he’d give a reference." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "Thank you, Dwight. I’ll be in touch." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, they can’t all be winners. But Trevor’s next and he’s a real professional. You say, “Jump,” and he says, “Oh who?” He loves to jump on people, that Trevor." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What makes you think you’d be an effective paper salesman?" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Ooh, okay. Didn’t see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, it’s a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Pass. Next one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "No, no and no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There were only two options." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is a bus transfer." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "[chuckles] Nothing gets by this guy." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure, yeah, go ahead." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Thanks, dude. You—you sure it’s okay? ‘Cause you’re kinda—" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? You’re clean, right?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oh, Dove Men." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don’t listen to it at all because we’re at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so—" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Thanks, dude." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I need you to breathe in my face right now." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[exhales]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Wintergreen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I knew it, I knew it." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah, good nose." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I looked at you coming around, and I said, “Wintergreen.”" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can’t hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, here’s one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can’t rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "That’s just a classic no-win situation." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "So I’d Kobayashi Maru it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it! Perfect answer, again." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond …" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You know what, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And anoth—" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "This interview’s over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru’d the whole process." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah. Star Trek rules." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It does, but still no." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, you think they’re my only friends? I’ve got way more friends than that, and they’re all better than the losers who work here." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This is not natural." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just – I don’t wanna make assumptions based on people’s physical appearances." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "They smell so bad." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "If I ever get that bad, you’d tell me, right?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Meredith, I tell you all the time." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[chuckles] Walked right into that one." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He’s got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I’ve got big expectations, Mose-wise." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What quality would make you a good sales associate?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "People person." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "That’s right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know we live together, right?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I’ve never seen you go to work, ever." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So why is this on your resume? [door slams]" } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "So how’d you guys hear about the position?" }, { "character": "Gabor", "line": "My—my mom." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Dwight called my house, but he didn’t realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can’t stay out of her stuff." }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Dwight’s my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You were in the shower or he was in the shower?" }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Everyone was in the shower. It’s a cow shower, so there’s like, a ton of people in there." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "So you guys all know Dwight already?" }, { "character": "Melvina", "line": "I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby." }, { "character": "Gabor", "line": "I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school." }, { "character": "Melvina", "line": "You went to X-Men school too? [exhales]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "X-Men school?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out." } ], [ { "character": "Gabor", "line": "Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi’s. A lot of telemarketing." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don’t want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn’t work then. And now look what he’s doing to us." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How is it my fault?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Here’s an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But it’s Dwight who’s bring in all the weirdos." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, but Jim, Dwight’s a weirdo. We can’t blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, I’m the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim’s away. I’m in a position where I’m rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. [sighs] Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input—" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[presses speaker button] This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don’t lie. I can tell if you’re lying." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey, Dwight. It’s David." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jim says he’d like some say in the hiring process." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? That’s interesting. ‘Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who’s here every day. And frankly, killing it lately." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife—" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Um…" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. I can’t say that that’s not fair." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sounds fair to me, David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "And I know we have a call scheduled for later –" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah, so we’ll just do that later." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Why not do it now?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah. What’s up Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh… [clears throat] Well, it’s about Athlead. I’m sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’d love to be in the loop, David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It’s okay. Go ahead, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There’s a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor –" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay. Jim, I’m gonna have to stop you right there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, okay. Bye." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispers] I’d love to invest." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’d like to give you $100 million. [snickers] [phone ringing]" } ], [ { "character": "Hide", "line": "Why you make trees into bushes? You don’t make paper from bushes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hide, they’re giving out jobs upstairs. Why don’t you go up and get one?" }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Troy", "line": "Whoops." } ], [ { "character": "Zeke", "line": "[patting Darryl’s hair] It’s dense. Like bread." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, you can’t just hire someone ‘cause they’re your friend." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’m not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "They’re freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating." } ], [ { "character": "Wolf", "line": "Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of ‘em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this." }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "Do you want this paper?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I sure do." }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "It’s not very good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will pay you whatever it takes." }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money." }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It’s over." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You’re still at the 570 number?" }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Good, good, good. [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Hide", "line": "I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This isn’t gonna work out." }, { "character": "Hide", "line": "Thank you. [chuckles]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He’s a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I’m hesitant. Why can’t I pull the trigger on any of them?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[groaning] No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. [knock at door]" }, { "character": "Melvina", "line": "Do you need to be changed?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do that myself now." }, { "character": "Melvina", "line": "Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I’ve been double-parked for five hours. I’m wondering if I should move my car." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you’ve been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes." }, { "character": "Melvina", "line": "Well, the joke’s on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, we’re still gonna be your friend." }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "Yeah, whether it’s me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvina—" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or none of you [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "Yeah, you’d bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wish I could hire all of you." }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "I could start Monday." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Psst. Jim Jim? [whispering] Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I’m not looking south, I’m not livin’. That’s what I always say." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just act natural. [grunts]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I was thinking it’s only fair that you help make this decision since they’ll be sitting at your desk next to your wife." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you know I wouldn’t hire any of these all-stars." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it’s your call." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn’t picture any of them in the old gold and gray." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Thank you. Amazed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you." }, { "character": "Sensei Ira", "line": "I’m sorry?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? This is such bullcrap!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow. So much crap. It’s just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Too much now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert’s home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That seems inconsiderate." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Don’t open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Guys, it wasn’t up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn’t my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor." }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "Well, my day’s shot." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "Yeah, it’s that weird hour where it’s too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson’s." }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "I got it. Paintball." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work?" }, { "character": "Trevor", "line": "[yelling] And what are we supposed to do until then?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Wolf", "line": "Let’s just go, you guys." }, { "character": "Rolf", "line": "Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. I think that went well." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that’ll print out—Hey. Meet your new desk mate." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "What’s up good lookin’?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, cool. Hey Clark." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. I’m really sorry I told the guys I’d be there for the board meeting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’ll call you when I get there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Take care of my wife. I will be back." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, Pam, I’m going to the kitchen. You want anything?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, hey, I’ll take a coffee." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oh, I’m sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who, me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Absolutely, I do. [giggles]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, I’ll distract him, you take that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that’s great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[shushes]" }, { "character": "Pam & Dwight", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aah!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Welcome to the club, pig! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aah!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I’m gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Have you seen Darryl?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's around here somewhere." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mmm. [exits, Erin smiles deviously]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. [checks for anyone around] Neither guy is here. And, it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now, he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[as Darryl descends stairs, Erin ascends carrying a giant teddy bear] Darryl. Meet... bear... ull." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "How much did you pay for that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But, Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[exiting Darryl's office] Ha, ha, ha! Darryl, you are too much! [to Phyllis] That guy's hilarious. He's here today. [giant teddy bear is viewed in Darryl's office]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally OK with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody is doing. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But, I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um, it's really coming together... [sees mural] Oh my god! [camera pans to mural with butts painted over it] Wha? You've gotta be kidding me! What it... are those... are those butts? [to warehouse crew] Huh? No way. No way!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Excuse me, everyone. Is it OK if I leave early from work today? It's Phillip's first birthday and the senator and I are hosting a party at our house." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Aw, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew. It will mostly be campaign donors." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping... [pulls cash from wallet] 8 dollars to Lipton For America to have an invitation..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, no, please. You know, actually, none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[undertone] Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He said he wanted me there for support." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm his! His... wife." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. [laughs] Me." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[on phone with Robert] We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public. It's humiliating for me. Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[in Darryl and Jim's Philly apartment] Hey." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's, uh, kinda nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm couching it!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Which usually means there's clothes all over the living room." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. And, I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just, he uses old t-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to [quote-unquote fingers] soak... He hooked me up with a job." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[ascends on lift, using megaphone] Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this will you please raise your hand. [no one replies] Hello? This is not over. OK? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? [descends on lift] Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But, someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. [boom microphone bumps her head, she smiles] I mean, OK, not completely on my own. But, in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. So, Wade wants to send people to the Sloan conference. We gotta compile a list of our target clients." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to camera] Who is this guy? We are killing it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes sir. [notices Jim's using his coffee mug]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[entering office] Conference room. Everybody. Now!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, but David Wallace does. And he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff... That's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super secret, classified conference room meeting?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go everyone. Super secret, classified conference room meeting, now!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to everyone in conference room] I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I thought that's what you were doing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, but this is different." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... OK, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Uh, 6783's also a good time. Less mileage." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam, what can be done?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. Thank you. Let's answer that question." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Come on guys. We need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isn't just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Don't you see? How much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "David Wallace called this meeting?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently, he is very passionate about public art." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[as everyone begin to leave] No, no. Come on, guys. Don't go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, I'll help you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You will?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I am in too, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was hoping for a righteous mob, and I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But, they both have a mob mentality. And, I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[enters quickly] You need my pitchfork?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[approaches Dwight as he leaves] Hey!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is it? I have vengeance to exact." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event. And, I want you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, I'm not interested." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If I get the deicing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics. [exits]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey. So, a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So, do you want me to go with you?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "OK. I understand. I'll just stay here, then. Alone with the money." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Aw, crap." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in warehouse] I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own." }, { "character": "Frank", "line": "You're gonna to compare 'um to the butts up there. [gestures mural]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts." }, { "character": "Glenn", "line": "I'm not drawing a butt." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "All right then, they're bottoms. Uh, we should ask you to do big, rounded Ws." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "OK, OK. I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, this is getting us nowhere." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We need another approach. Um, we need to fine the weakest one and separate him from the group. [they notice Nate struggling with a box] Yeah. I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. [holds up phone] Nate. Your mother is dying. [Nate reacts with grief]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "See, I feel bad about that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's all right. It's all right." } ], [ { "character": "Nate", "line": "So, she's gonna pull through again? [all nod] That's great. Can I talk to her?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. She needs her rest again." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Now listen. Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[interrupting] Tell us who defaced the mural!" }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "[points at Warehouse Worker Frank] He did it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "All right. You can go. Give him his gum." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's no gum. There never was any gum." }, { "character": "Nate", "line": "[leaving] That's really rude." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[at Phillip's party] Opening with pub pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[noticing a portrait of Angela on the wall] That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?" }, { "character": "Party Announcer", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton. [guests applaud]" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming. Phillip had no idea he was so popular." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[laughs] Oh, Robert, you're horrible. [to other guests] Simon, Maxine. [sarcastically] Who let you guys in here?" } ], [ { "character": "Athlead Employee", "line": "[points to Jim and Darryl] This is the team." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice job, man." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You too... Darryl." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[confused] What? [Darryl points at his thermos Jim has been using] Oh, man! I'm sorry about that." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, um... Are you really mad about this?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's my go-to thermos. That's all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. It's your go-to therm. Oh, man. That's a bummer. I'm sorry about that." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No big deal. No big deal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no. If it's a big deal, it's a big deal." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nah, nah..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No big deal." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[as Jim empties thermos into trash] Nah, nah, nah. You don't have to do that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Honestly, I don't mind. [long, awkward pause until thermos is empty] Did you want me to wash it for you or..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don't know. You gonna wash it? Or you gonna let it soak?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[after tense pause] OK. Here ya go. [roughly hands Darryl his thermos]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "So, Frank. Do you have any thoughts about what was done? By you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Nellie] Maybe, maybe I could, could get the ball rolling. [Nellie nods] Um, Frank? Hi. Pam. Um, I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So. Truly. If, if, I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[Warehouse Worker Frank remains silent, picks ear] You sort of deserve an apology here. Frank?" }, { "character": "Frank", "line": "I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I didn't think that butt was funny." }, { "character": "Frank", "line": "Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Frank", "line": "You know what? You people can't fire me. So, screw you. [exits]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Whoa! Hey! That is not OK. What are you gonna do about that?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh... it... compliment..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "The first 'sorry' sounded sincere." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "There were two or three 'sorry's in there. [mumbles along with Nellie]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out? Huh? Who won the hugging contest? Oh, let me guess. Everyone tied for first." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We should just take him down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait. Are you saying..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A little eye for an eye action." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go all Hammurabi on this clown." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We need an infiltrator." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know just the man for the job. [looks at Clark]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Clark?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He even looks like a mole." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population." }, { "character": "Party Guest", "line": "You two seem very close." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Yes. We're good friends. Good friends." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "You know, I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. For a long time, our party has turned it's back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. [puts arms around Oscar] I am a friend of the Latino community. And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. [guests laugh] Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable? Given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. [slaps Oscar's cheek] My friend. Mi amigo. Oscar. [guests applaud as he hugs Oscar]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I usually watch TV during my lunch breaks. It's cool?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Totally." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[after Darryl eyes him drinking from a thermos] It's mine. Don't worry." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I didn't say anything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think you had to." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour I couldn't use that?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What you need flour for, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not the point." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What? You making bread?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not making bread." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Darryl, it doesn’t matter. I think you know the point I'm trying to make." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, I just... you know, I get finicky about my stuff. That's all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's all good. Are we all good?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that cooler?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nothing. [pulls out a can of soda] It's mine. [Jim shakes his head] [after looking through DVR] What happened to my Tavis Smileys?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, crap. Were those yours?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[pulling Clark across the parking lot] I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "OK, boss. [quietly] Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like you're smarter than this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shh, shh." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "This is never gonna work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shh. Remember your lines." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "What lines?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go move some paper!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Darryl on phone] Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "He's not my hire, but I know who he is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. What does he like? What's important to him? Does he have like a favorite pair of boots or a lunch box or..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What? Is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, something like that." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I know he loves his pick up truck." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, great! [to Dwight] His truck!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great. Get the plate number." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. [to Darryl] Do you know the plate... never mind. Why would you know that? And why would I be asking that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So we know which truck to van..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey. While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye. [to Dwight] Come on. [camera pans to Clark duct taped to a chair]" } ], [ { "character": "Party Photographer", "line": "Hold on a second. Uh, Sandeep? Let's get you closer to the senator. Just about there. Great. And, Oscar? I'm gonna need you to step a little closer to the senator, as well. Somewhere there." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He's blocking me." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "It's only a photo, honey." }, { "character": "Party Photographer", "line": "[to party waiter] Excuse me, uh, what's your name?" }, { "character": "Party Waiter", "line": "Sean." }, { "character": "Party Photographer", "line": "LaShawn. Great. You wanna be in a photo? Right this way. [notices overweight man following] Not you. No." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He put me here." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He put you right in front of me?" }, { "character": "Party Photographer", "line": "Let's just wheel Margaret right in front..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ow! Robert?!" }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Angela." }, { "character": "Party Photographer", "line": "Smile. [Angela attempts to get in front of Oscar as pictures are taken]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural, I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw, Dwight. That's really sweet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's see yours." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no. Um, I, I'm embarrassed. It's stupid." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is amazing! Frank! And he's leaving a trail of poops?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. And he has saggy boobs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I saw that. That's great!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I feel better." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. You miss Angela, don't you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. The paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. But, I think the lesson will last a very..." }, { "character": "Frank", "line": "[exiting building and approaching Pam] Lady! My truck? You had no right!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, you had no right!" }, { "character": "Frank", "line": "It's a $40,000 truck!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So? You started it!" }, { "character": "Frank", "line": "So? So someone need to shut you up! [attempts to attack Pam]" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Hey, hey, hey! [knocks Frank down with boom microphone]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "[as Frank gets up] Easy! [Frank grabs him]" }, { "character": "Frank", "line": "You son of a bitch!" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "You're gonna hit a woman?" } ], [ { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Thanks so much for coming. Thanks so much. [to Oscar and Angela] Well. Have we all calmed down yet?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes. Sorry about that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It was all my fault." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck." }, { "character": "The Senator", "line": "I beg your pardon." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You are like a terrible person. These guys care about you and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good. [Oscar and Angela exit looking pleased]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "No. No, it's..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You shouldn't be fired. I mean, you were just protecting me." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's... I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because you put so much into that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Forget about my mural. It's stupid." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "No. You, you worked hard on that. That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's crazy. Brian, I'm so sorry." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Look. I don't, I don't wanna put myself where I don't belong. If you ever need me, you just call me. And I'll be there for you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks, Brian." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Seeya." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that's just 'Roommates 101'." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[playing video game with Jim] Oh. Come on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Oh!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Damn!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[imitating game announcer] You win. [Darryl throws empty can on floor] How good did that feel?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That felt really good, actually." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[makes magic trick hand gesture] Alakazam!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "By the way, they do need an extra day next week." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And, poof! He disappears. [Jim snaps, playing along]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[to Pete] Hey! Wanna play hookey today?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh, maybe. What do you have in mind?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We can do anything you want." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip. He's been rude. He's been selfish. I think he's a big jerk. And I'm breaking up with him. Bam, Andy! How do you like me now?... I hope as a friend." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to 'send him to a farm'. And on his last day, we did everything he loved." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[has an idea and reveals a frisbee from under her desk] Wanna play catch in the parking lot?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "[slightly surprised] Sure." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I'll get my coat." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Perfect. [Pete walks away eying the camera knowingly]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[knocks on Andy's door, then pretends to answer as Andy] Come in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[talking to Andy's empty chair] Andy, hi. I just made another huge sale for the company that you manage. I need you to authorize that expense report and sign off on that contract." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[pretending to be Andy] I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute. Rick-a-dick-doo, rick-a-dick-dick-dick, rick-a-dick-doo." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to entire office]OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I say we all have one last fun boss-less day." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Phil, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed. [to Meredith] They use a watch repair kit." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Angela] Ew! I'll be your foot buddy." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager. I say we go to the mini mall. Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend so I can get the discount." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "It's what I do. [everyone begins to leave]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off. Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No... yes, yes. Why wouldn't I... wanna pretend to be gay? Got no problem with that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous, just follow my..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[interrupting] Stop talking 'bout it. I said I'm fine with it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[eating] These are gross." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They are terrible." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my god. That's so romantic." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's with Brian and Alyssa." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my god. That's less romantic." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That sounds nice." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy." } ], [ { "character": "Nail stylist 1", "line": "Oh, tiny, poor lady is back. Oh, get the baby clipper. [other nails stylists gush over Angela]" }, { "character": "Nail stylist 2", "line": "[to Clark] You take off your glasses." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "'Kay. [removes glasses]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[nail stylist 2 giggles] What?" }, { "character": "Nail stylist 2", "line": "Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. [both laugh at Clark]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. [to nail manager] Excuse me. [gesturing he and Nellie] Full price. We're not together." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, come on!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "She's living a lie." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[to nail manager] Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages." }, { "character": "Nail manager", "line": "No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We are together. Romantically." }, { "character": "Nail manager", "line": "Two men? [other nail stylist speaks Korean to manager, both laugh] [gestures index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes. And no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl exit holding hands]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[enters restaurant with Pam] Hey, Brian." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry we're late." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Oh, uh, no problem. I finished all the bread." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ha,ha,ha, yeah OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's on a no carb thing. Supposedly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "It's, uh, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you kidding? Thank you, man. I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks for... everything. And I'm really sorry about the job. That just seems crazy." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "It's fine. What are you gonna do, you know? But, if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, my dad can't hear a thing. You could boom his whole life for him." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "That's... OK, great. Does he pay well?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Where's Alyssa?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Uh, yeah. Um, you know, Alyssa's, she's not gonna make it today." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Actually, we're not gonna make it. Um... we're splitting up." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Andy's empty chair] I have yet another sales order for you to sign." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[acting as Andy] Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in his office doorway, bearded and unkept] Hi Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're back. [surveys Andy] And you're disgusting." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[as everyone returns to the office] Ah, geez. My nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, well, well, look who it is." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Sweetheart! [approaches Erin] I have missed you so much." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[obviously avoiding Andy's embrace] Yes. [gives Andy high fives] Welcome back, buddy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[attempting to hug Erin as she resists] I have been dreaming of this moment." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Me too. So much. I'm so happy." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin. Hello? Super romantic. And I got you something. [removes wooden instruments from bag] Oh, it's a couple of pieces of bamboo. Big deal, right? No. These are musical instruments. It's so we can play island music together. Cause I have this. [removes güiro and begins playing and singing] Clop the cloppers. Yeah, clop 'em. It's called Bembe. [sings while Kevin echoes]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Obviously, that's why I'm here. I mean, I came back early to surprise Erin. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. [tries to embrace Erin but she begins playing cloppers] But, I'm just saying, I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. [Andy stalls] Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know. But we've been in touch the whole time. I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks de Caicos, people. It's in every Bembe cafe." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "He only emailed me four times." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Question. Where's Jim?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "For two hours? Really?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If the shoe fits. [plays güiro and sings, Kevin echoes]" } ], [ { "character": "Brian", "line": "We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then, everything just went numb." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I mean, that's OK. It doesn't mean that it's over. Right? I mean, couples fight." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Yeah. That's the thing. When we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. And, it wasn't until we stopped fighting that, we realized that it was over. You know, it's over. [overcome by emotion] I'm sorry, this is... oh my god, OK. [to Pam] We have to stop seeing each other like this. We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[obviously flustered] Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "At least my crying won't get you fired." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Crying?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And you sold it to Jan too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean... I'm impressed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughing together] Yeah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, there's one problem. Couldn't help but notice that you offered a price point that was not approved by the head office. So... gotta run that stuff by me, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You were on a boat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On a boat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In the ocean." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio? [Dwight resists] Just say the word 'coolio'." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not gonna say it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Say it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not a word." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Coolio." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! [Andy makes a call] What do you think you're doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't you dare! Andy!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] Hello?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Jan. Nard dog here." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispers] Coolio." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Seriously? You're calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what you're doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Coolio. Coolio." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. No, no, no Jan I think you misunderstood." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Coolio." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It, it's, it's actually just an issue..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know what? You know what, uh, Nard dog? There is an option in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing. So, I would like to exercise that option." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jan, I don't know what he's talking about but..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Tell Angela to send me a final invoice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, ah, ah..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please Ja, Ja... [Jan hangs up]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[approaching Accounting] Hey, everybody, great job. [to Angela] Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays. [hands Andy a folder]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right. Thank you very much. [examines checks] Looking good. [after noticing something on Angela's desk] Who's that little fella?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded it's targets over the past quarter." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow, that's wonderful!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "A quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh-huh... [after awkward pause] Uh-huh. [Angela hands him the bonus check] Thank you. Great. Well, we're all up to speed." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Guys. I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy and, believe me, I am too. But, he has been through a lot and we all used to love him, right? So, if he's gonna get in trouble, just let it be his fault not ours. I don't want that on my hands." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine! The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[appears approaching group, shaved and in a suit] What's going on in here, dirty players? Let's get back to busting some paper rhymes. Come on. [singing] Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Andy! [resumes talking] All right. Back to work." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK, I can tell you're mad at me. Do you wanna just, um, I don't know, tell me why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major, intimate detail. I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump. Who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I didn't tell you about the crying because I didn't want you to know how upset I was. Because it would've stressed you out and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, well. Yeah, OK. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's not Brian's fault." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you're right. And, and I'm not mad at Brian. And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason to be mad at all because I wasn't there. So, let's just forget about it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, we had the Scranton White Pages." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people. OK?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[enters] Hey guys." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! David! How are ya? Ah, we were just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. Not gonna lie, I get as much out of it as they do." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Sounds great. Don't let me interrupt. What ever you guys have been doing this last quarter, I couldn't be happier with the numbers." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well, finish up. I'm gonna meet with Val about that warehouse guy you had to let go and you and I will talk in 15 minutes?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[leaving] Great job, everybody!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[whispering] We had to let a warehouse guy go?!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[interrupting] … lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There was a fire in the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is what I'm talking about! This would be good to know. All right, what else?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We started selling balloons." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No kidding?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "They're tasteful." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good, good. What else?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What fire?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It looked fine to me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[catches on to the ruse] I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[preparing to leave] Thanks, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "All right. Everyone! [waves to office and exits]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[enters Andy's office to find him playing güiro] Fish sounds great." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I guess." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really playing the scales, huh?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, it just sort of sounds like noise to me now. You think I need a new fish?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't love you anymore." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK, I get it. You're unhappy. I've been gone a long time and we lost a little bit of juju. But, you and me, we have a future. There is a lot of love here." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I just said there isn't love." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "On your side. But there's tons on my side. It's gushing. We're just out of sync right now. But that's just timing, it's timing. I mean, my parents lasted 38, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I guess." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years? If we're lucky. I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You got really sunburned." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm gonna be a prune in like, 3 years." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but, if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So, I'll feel good. And then, eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You really think we can get that back?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes. [hugs Erin] Come on. Totally." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly and I'm sure you have stuff to do. So we can just... I don't know, drop me at the bus station?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just feel like we're gonna fight." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[obviously hurt] Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So... how 'bout let's not?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. [they begin to leave]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, um. [pulls item from bag and hands to Pam] Happy Valentine's Day. Sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sees it's a drawing of hers, framed] Wow. I didn't know you kept this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No problem." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You really wanna fight on Valentine's Day?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey, you OK?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I couldn't do it." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh, you don't have to apologize. I just... I just want you to be happy. OK? [Erin smiles and kisses Pete]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[bursts into Andy's office] We're breaking up. And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] Hey, Andy. It's David. Still here. What was that about three months?" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I resent that. I, I never lied to you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Really? [reading from phone] “Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA.”" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And all was good in Scranton PA that day." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "“By the way, Oscar says 'hi'”" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oscar says “hi” all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. “Hi” “Hello” “Hola” You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say “hi”?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But you're calling me a liar." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Watch it Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. [Reading from phone] “Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick.” Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "My wife?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This has been a really tough time." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Has it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It was like a security blan-" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "-ket" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Shh. I'm not gonna fire you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're not?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's awesome." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We are even...now. Understand? Got it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Crystal." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You are on very- Hey, very thin ice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Vanilla. [David looks confused] Vanilla Ice. It was a band." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And how are you on this fine- [chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Crying] Ok, we ready? [cut] Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Moaning from office] Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He sounds like a wounded animal." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm the same way with horny people." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. [Andy continues moaning]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[taking paper from Kevin] Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. [laughs] I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Jumps out from behind vending machine] I need you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ahh! Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What? What is it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, that's awful." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was “poisoned” by Aunt Shirley." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What do you mean by “poisoned”?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But I don't see how this is my problem." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And there's parts of her I don't even recognize." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Gah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a divet..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'll help you!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "..where it was and it needs, it needs a..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where are you going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, not on a three month boat trip." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wha? Oh, burn. [laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave.] Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How dare you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm still the boss!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The answer is yes." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "..just have some messages for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are they from you?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well no, they're from clients." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I can't. I-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "These are messages from clients who want to buy paper." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't want to talk about work right now." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well I only want to talk about work right now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Then I want my big blue sweater back." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "I've got the seat adjusted right." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Perfect height, yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I was just leaving." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "There you go, good for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You just let it all hang out, that's what..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. [Andy leaves]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hello Aunt Shirley." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!" }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "New clothes? What for? [Aunt Shirley's boob shows]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?" }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "How would you like a mean cold slap? [slaps Angela]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ow!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?" }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "I could do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, trust me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Step on it!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're clearly snooping." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "That's kinda uncool, man." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ah, come on." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's her private property." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Tell us!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What does that even mean?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What's it say?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Put it down." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everyone please, just-" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "It's not cool." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Put it down" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy. That is her private property." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Boo." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh my god." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "See?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's where nosey'll get you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Told you so." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pete..." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pete what?" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispers] hello!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! There she is. [Pam laughs] How you doin?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi! Hey, do I look ok?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You look great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset] What's that? Is that a-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. [Pam laughs]" }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear." }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "It's a phone?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it." }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[touches headset] Call you right back. What were you saying?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ha ha." }, { "character": "Athlead Coworker", "line": "Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.[Pam laughs] OK, good luck!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "[coughs and laughs in her sleep]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Spray her down?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted [reading computer screen] shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah. [long pause] You were gone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I knew it!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "For a long time, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. [singing] So you had a bad day-" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "..The camera don't lie!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're being an idiot get.." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I'm trying.." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Out of my office, turns out you're fired..." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Because you suck." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "You can't fire-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And you're fired..." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "If you want to talk to me" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So you had a bad day..." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I'll be in the annex." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Rut ti doh doh..." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Alright? I'll be in the annex." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Rut tit doh doh..." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Toby!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Rut ti doh doo doh" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Toby?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They already have a contract? [Reading] “Mutually agree to-” Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I'm not signing away my rights." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I already signed it. I was just showing you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, well we'll see about that. [crumples paper]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. [Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out] It's the original." } ], [ { "character": "Mark", "line": "...[singing] talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey guys! Say something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Hi, I'm Mark." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, Pam, hello." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the “N” word in that movie. It's, it's too soon." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm Pam Halpert." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. [laughs] He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my god. He's Michael Scott." } ], [ { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Time to get clean!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You have to use chains?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You'll see. Here we go." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Let's get this show on the road." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's get to it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No! No!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give it a whirl." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Stop your belly-aching and hose me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need you to hose my aunt." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK you are useless." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give me the hose!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No Dwight, I won't- [hoses Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ahh! OK!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes ma'am." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Mark", "line": "This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Um." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh no." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...feel like I may have glossed over a few..." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No no no no." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...minor points." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I've been drafting a letter." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it!" } ], [ { "character": "Mark", "line": "My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this...work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say “Chillax” people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me." }, { "character": "Roger", "line": "No. I heard you." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! [laughs] Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Mouths] Oh my god." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk...." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Come on Andy, they're a good match." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You've got a booger bubble going on there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[wipes nose] Sorry." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's ok." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My whole life is a booger bubble!" } ], [ { "character": "Mark", "line": "This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. [Pam laughs] From The Smurfs movie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-" }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, cause it was upside down. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "You're a good audience. [Pam laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So um-" }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Unlike some of these people around here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-" }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean...you think they like me, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "[gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute...You have children?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Two children, yes." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey. You got a sec to talk?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "See? We can all be friends!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I do think we can have a fair...." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun." } ], [ { "character": "Mark", "line": "Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am not pr-" }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "You're not." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Pregnant, no." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, kinda like a receptionist." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't." } ], [ { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Ow! The braid is too tight." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Yes ma'am." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "There." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "Thank you Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. [Toby leaves]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "He's doing it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how'd the interview go?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Eight? Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll make it worth your while, I promise." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, love you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Love you." } ], [ { "character": "Alice", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Ok, great. Thanks." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Fresh meat! Fresh meat! [Making kissing noises]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Nice to meet you. Cute sweater." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm Kevin." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Pete?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Alice. Oh man." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "It's uh, been a while, huh?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What, do you two know each other?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah. We uh, have a history." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's so random." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Well. Is it?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. [runs to front office]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Hello beautiful." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Didn't you two used to do it?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "She's looking good." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "So Pete was a librarian?" }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "He worked as a librarian freshman year." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Was he like the sexy librarian?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi, how's it going?" }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Hi. [laughs] Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Andy, that is really inappropriate." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Awkward." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[high pitched] Really uncomfortable situation." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta “move on”. Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "So there's no marketing department." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So Andy just called you up out of the blue?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Yeah. He told me you two broke up." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "You must be pretty horny. [Erin shakes head no]" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? [Toby nods] One week? [Toby shakes head] Ok, two weeks? [Toby nods] Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave." } ], [ { "character": "Shirley", "line": "I feel like a show pony." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you look like one too. Thank you Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're welcome. Would you like some stew?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mmhm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Would you like the stink sack?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is it any good?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "So, when's the wedding?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends." }, { "character": "Shirley", "line": "That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! Back here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Si, senor." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. So, tell me all about it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. [They shake hands. Then kiss] Dwight, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, Dwight. The Senator." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I can't be your monkey, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I made a vow. I gave my word." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good night, D." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "How are you doing? Is it really rough?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "It is so unpleasant. You?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, love turds. Conference room, now." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Honestly, it was a little weird." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we're still in a relationship-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "...a lot of the time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Ok, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "It was college. That is what you do." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Yeah you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, Andy, is this at all work related?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "[laughs] Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I got a tattoo for you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "She's nice to me." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's-" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh my god." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "What kind of music are you into, Peter?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe." }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Erin, are you even hearing this?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He didn't even say that." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can't even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Gabe, I don't-" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Give me one night with you..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What is that supposed to mean?" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I have shaved everything..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't want you to shave everything." }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. [Erin and Gabe argue in background]" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues]" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Why don't you say in the beginning: “This isn't really going that well”" }, { "character": "Gabe", "line": "Shove his sashimi!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What do you-!" }, { "character": "Alice", "line": "Because I had to wait- [all argue]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? [Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background] Yeah. Yeah, it does." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tell me about the cologne. How much?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're definitely hoarding this by the way." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Guess what poster he had on his wall?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Austin Powers." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "MmMm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ferris Bueller." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "MmMm. You're getting colder." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not Night at the Roxbury." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know, but it's interesting right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's fascinating." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmhm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, next interview has to be better." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. It's just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I want, um, I don't know if I want this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[long pause] Huh. This is a little out of left field." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I have started a business in Philadelphia. [Pam shrugs]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar's Computer", "line": "My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You could all be doing this, just saying." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why can't you just do regular sit-ups?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that's how you win. Alright [tries to pull himself up] Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can someone please help me?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please? [Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just- People! I'm not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again and when that happens I'll be able to- Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? [Kevin shuts door] I- Hey! I'm not going anywhere! I'll be right here! Oh that's not good. [Oscars computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office.] Hey guys! I've got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza?" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as elevator door closes] Hold it!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[notices something new about Dwight] New glasses." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "My condolences." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Keep them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[after Dwight tosses dirt on her face] What color is it?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It looks pretty black." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[after Dwight tosses dirt in his face] Yep. Acidic, all right." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[while Dwight prepares to toss dirt] Oh, thank god." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK. That's not... [tosses red dirt in Oscar's face]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face] I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I really hope so. [unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam's face]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. [as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand] This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I miss her so much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know? [Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim]" } ], [ { "character": "Mose", "line": "[playing guitar and singing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning'] Zeke's here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Zeke." }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says 'hi'." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "'Hi' to Mom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you going?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Will there be ghosts there?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[simultaneously with Zeke] Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar." }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "You get in the sidecar." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[at the grave site, to Oscar] What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[smirking] Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[as a car approaches the grave site] Who is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jeb, my brother." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You have a brother?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "I didn't really see a better parking spot. [drives into the dug grave] Whoa! Look what I did. It's a rental. [Dwight approaches and hugs him] You wanna go in? [both attempt to put the other in the dug grave]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office] Oh, gosh." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[to Pam] Who's this guy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "… bad." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hi, all." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why are you here, Todd?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "OK. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Packer, we accept. [others disagree]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. [to Pam] Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology’s just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place 'Nipples'." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think it's called 'Nibbles'." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? [hands cupcake to Erin] There you go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don't eat the cupcake." } ], [ { "character": "German Minister", "line": "We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil." }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "[gathers and tastes soil] Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery." }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies." }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies." }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any." }, { "character": "German Minister", "line": "Would the family care to say something?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You had black hair and then gray hair." }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4”, at the end you were 5'1”." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "They're a descriptive people." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "[approaches and hugs Dwight] I see you started without me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?" }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Well, I told you..." }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "Hi, Fannie." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Who is that?" }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Dwight's sister." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight has a sister?" }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She's beautiful." }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Blugh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to his nephew Cameron] Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. [after a weak handshake] What is this? Oh, god. [after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up] Henry." }, { "character": "Henry", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I see Esther's back in town." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Hi Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Henry", "line": "Anyone mention her height?" }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Henry", "line": "Land size? [all shake heads] [removes hat] Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. [replaces hat] OK. [drives away]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, let's get it going." }, { "character": "German Minister", "line": "[approaches Fannie, offering a shotgun] Would you want to do the honors?" }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don't think we have to do this." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it] That's it for me. [exits]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think we should eat Packers' cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense. But, they're also really fluffy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "$3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, man. I don't think we've met. I'm Clark." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Oh. I'm Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You didn't actually say that." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "No? Wow. I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. [Clark fake laughs] Hey. I have a crazy feeling [hands Clark a cupcake] that you are really gonna like this." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. [to Nellie] And you did fire him." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do they even have a bakery anymore?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, it really is just about the cupcakes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So, we're all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[as all agree] OK." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "OK. Packer can go to hell." } ], [ { "character": "Aunt Shirley", "line": "[on a recorded video] Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[agreeing with Shirley] Thank you." }, { "character": "Aunt Shirley", "line": "Jeb. A street pusher." } ], [ { "character": "Jeb", "line": "After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out “worm” means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich." } ], [ { "character": "Aunt Shirley", "line": "We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Is she crazy? [as Dwight considers] Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "Buddy? Buddy?" }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "Snap out of it. Dwight?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "No, no, no. I'm not moving back here. Are you crazy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course you are." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Look. I, I don't want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain... sort of sophistication." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my god." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don't know. The men are just... it's almost like there's a... a willing ignorance." } ], [ { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just... [reaches in to bag, removes folded paper] maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women's Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute." } ], [ { "character": "Jeb", "line": "Totally. Yep. The people here are like [makes farting sound, laughs] Like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer." }, { "character": "Jeb", "line": "Couple of nights couldn't hurt." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes." }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "[as Dwight says 'yes'] Absolutely." } ], [ { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian." } ], [ { "character": "Fannie", "line": "That doesn't work on me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "By the way, that's not..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[counts down in French]" }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oui." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Oh my goodness." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[while everyone is gathered playing and singing “Sons & Daughters”] People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck." } ], [ { "character": "Fannie", "line": "[after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther] So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. [Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied]" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm not sorry about it." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I am. It was my rock bottom." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[while Kevin stares at his cupcake] Kevin, you can do this." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You don't know that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "James Bond was a spy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. He was a good spy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. [exits]" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a [expletive] of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Guys, I'm proud of us. I think we did the right thing. [after noticing Angela easting cupcake] Hey!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[as others eat] Wait!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He's gone. It's just a cupcake now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no. It's the principle of the thing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[exits office, chewing] Oh my god. I forgive him so much. [Kevin begins making choking sounds] Whoa, is he choking?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[after long choking and refusing help from Meredith] Oh, that was fantastic." } ], [ { "character": "Cameron", "line": "[after following Dwight to the chicken coop, before sunrise] Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens." }, { "character": "Cameron", "line": "I was just asking you something I didn't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit." }, { "character": "Cameron", "line": "[after grabbing an egg] Are we gonna eat these today?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you want." } ], [ { "character": "Cameron", "line": "Is that a guillotine?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking." }, { "character": "Cameron", "line": "[referencing goat] That's a cow?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you just ask me if this was a cow?" }, { "character": "Cameron", "line": "[after seeing Dwight smelling milk] What are you doing now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?" }, { "character": "Cameron", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?" }, { "character": "Cameron", "line": "I don't know any of that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything?" }, { "character": "Cameron", "line": "I never met him." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good morning, Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[looking disheveled] Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's OK." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Packer laced the cupcakes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Some of us got both. [raises hand]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my god! Is everyone OK?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Me too. [holds up four fingers]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What did you do, Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Last night? Oh, god, um, I don't know. [cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin] Na, nothing really. Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Why would you ask me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not, a... I'm just. I don't know. [cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing] Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. [cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face] Pretty normal night." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[he and Andy embrace each other in tears] My night was just like that. [cuts to him and Andy trading clothes] Meaning normal." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I didn't see you last night at all. [cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nope. I did not see you either." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow. He is officially the worst human being." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away] Ah. [stops Pam and takes cupcake]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But, Kevin that's..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[shaking head in disbelief] No." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "So, that's it. I just wanted to make amends. [slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "It's OK. I'm over it." } ], [ { "character": "Jeb", "line": "Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "Not it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It. [to Fannie] That kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that." }, { "character": "Fannie", "line": "All right." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Uh oh. She's doing it again." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um..." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "It's porn." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Ugh. Ew." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Toby, how do you propose that we-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well there you go. That's muy caliente." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. [walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What the hell?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's OK guys, she's no longer horny." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Excuse me, dirty birdie [takes Phyllis' iPod]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wait, what?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You can have this back at the end of the day. [cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him] Oh!!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "What's her name?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Esther Ruger. [Angela makes a face in the background]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Sweet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oh yeah. Keep talkin'." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] What do you think?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "The same thing that you think." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh man. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] Um." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was I gonna- What was I gonna say?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, oh OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, yeah. Exactly." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] Um, Ok. Well?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, sounds good. Ok." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There's a promo for the new documentary on the web." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Play it again." }, { "character": "Promo Voice", "line": "[Music begins, Michael Scott is shown] The boss. [Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past] The workers. [Ryan and Michael are shown] The lives. [Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown] The loves. [More flashback clips] The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight] Did you see this? [lifts monitor in her direction]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "[Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof] Oh my god, is that you and Jim?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It wasn't so bad." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. “Banjo at 0:19 is aight” Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, man. Darryl." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's go to the conference room." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did I tell you about her teeth?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome." }, { "character": "Mr. Ruger", "line": "Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Thank you. [Dwight kisses her forehead]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that....thing." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[eating soft pretzel] We've all changed." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And we all know, baseball does not last forever." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I look at these actors on TV and I think: “C'mon, I can do that.”" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right? [laughs]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Subway sandwiches." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called “The Big Piece”" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "-hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The space dust does it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Space dust." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. [Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts] Alright." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, great." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Andy, are there documentary groupies?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of course there are!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel [groups groans] was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen-" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, I don't care." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my god!" } ], [ { "character": "Promo Announcer", "line": "[Speaks Danish]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What was that word they said when they showed me “Skrald mand”? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? [Oscar looks it up]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dumpster Man." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cool. Superhero." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What about me? “Klokken tre pige”" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "“Three PM Girl”" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [lifts shirt to flash camera] Boob sauce!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Meredith!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Come on!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: “You guys are killing it!” I mean, we're internet sensations guys!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. [groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok everyone, turn off your mikes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more [Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces] I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Brian?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I guess I could." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I thought Terry knew about Cynthia?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "She does. But neither of them know about Lydia." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wow." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do?" }, { "character": "Ruger Sister 1", "line": "That manipulates the secondary shaft." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Salesmen", "line": "The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets." }, { "character": "Mr. Ruger", "line": "Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal." }, { "character": "Mr. Ruger", "line": "Esther, get in the truck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok ok ok, wait! You win. [shakes hands]" }, { "character": "Salesman", "line": "Let's get the paperwork started." } ], [ { "character": "Ruger Sister 2", "line": "We should buy an auger together." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oh, yeah. Yeah." }, { "character": "Ruger Sister 1", "line": "You would be a great one to buy an auger with." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[on phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh! Seven new comments. “The guy at 0:19 is hawt!” [typing] “Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!”[reading] “He's not hawt, he's gay.” [typing] “Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.” [reading] “He is hawt!” See, thank you, that's more like it. “He is butt.” God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Security deposit. That's been-" }, { "character": "Mr. Ruger", "line": "Standard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right, standard." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, can I talk to you for one second?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "One second." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "One second." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Dude, we're being conned." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go on." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I don't even know what an auger is!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is." }, { "character": "Mr. Ruger", "line": "Hey, you ready to sign?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. [grabs Clark]" } ], [ { "character": "Brian", "line": "Oh, hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Hi. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my gosh, please, don't." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. [laughs] Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure, yeah. Yeah." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Let me grab a couple drinks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. [Goes out onto terrace] Oh wow, you have a nice view." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Alright, that's for you. [hands her beer]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Cheers." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cheers." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Plays boom box to drown out sound] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "They caught us kissing on Halloween." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [Slaps Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "God!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, I don't like giving him bad news." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Call him!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You call him!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Call him! [hits Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Stop hitting me!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Call him! Call him!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No!" } ], [ { "character": "Brian", "line": "So..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So.." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "What brings you by?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, the promo for the documentary aired today." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Oh yeah, that's right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. It's kinda crazy." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Yeah, it is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, wasn't that neat?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Yeah, it was cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue-" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "No no, it's-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and....I don't know, am I crazy?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "No, you're not crazy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera-" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "They want to know how much what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How much stuff you got." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Pretty much everything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs?" }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So we basically had no privacy for ten years." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "That's not really true, I mean-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No I think you explained it." }, { "character": "Brian", "line": "Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "“Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.”" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That'll pay for the exploding helicopter." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Smart." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "“Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs.”" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "“Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.”" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Come on man, sell it!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[louder] “Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!”" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: “Oh yeah!”" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "“Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.”" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "“They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.”" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's so strong." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Keep reading then." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "“Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.”" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know how we'd go about doing that." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We can look into it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We'll look into it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We need Darth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We gotta get him." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We'll go after Darth then." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We're gonna go get him." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's what we gotta do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We're gonna get him." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "By hand." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Dwight, we need to talk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That snake!" }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That shady grove out by Willard's pond." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Mmhm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed?" }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] No!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther]" }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Stupid." } ], [ { "character": "The Senator", "line": "[On speakerphone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep]" }, { "character": "Angela & Oscar", "line": "Hi honey!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh you?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No you go. Hi honey!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, Hey Robert!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's Angela and Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Just a few quick things." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Very much so." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think that's it!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think we're good." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Done!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Bye!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on video] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo, screen types out “you suck my nutz” from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Good night Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying]" } ], [ { "character": "Promo Announcer", "line": "[Speaks Danish]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. [at computer opens translator. Types in “Elskere” which comes back as “lovers” Pam smiles]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[humming] What the hell? No. This is NOT happening." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Didn’t you get the memo? It’s Stairmageddon! [claps and opens the door to the stairwell] Come on Stanley! [claps]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": " Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It’s a… “Mageddon!”" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": " [growls] I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they’re making me climb Stair Mountain!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": " Come on! [claps]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Our office has an unusually large number of… unusually large people." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This is an abomination." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Come on. You got this. Here." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There’s a review of the documentary!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[gasps] What does it say?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don’t know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, “Red Alert.”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, the alert was already set to “Red” because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to “Double Red”?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "  I think we should." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "“The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton’s own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!”" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Whoo! [applause]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "“In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There’s Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get.”" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news…thing." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "“Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy.”" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that’s-." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It’s okay. [chuckles] The hell does he know?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "“A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.”" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I want you to print that out for me." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I will." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation’s Lisa Loeb." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "“Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.”" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh! Which public figure?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I bet it’s Katie Couric. I’ve been saying this for years." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, I think they mean more like a politician." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[walks into the office grunting and wheezing] You own the building. Why can’t you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could’ve met in the lobby. It’s time to go out on a sale! Here we go." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Son, you’ve lost your mind. I’m not going anywhere until you fix my elevator." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The buyer is your sister’s friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that’s an order." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, we won’t be late. I love you, mom. Thanks." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, your mom’s watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? [chuckles] Oh, um, Embassy Suites. “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "  [laughs] I wish." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[chuckles] What, then?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, nothing that exciting." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Marriage counseling?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, Jim’s kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, we’ve having issues. It can’t hurt to talk about them, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s a little, uh, personal." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Let’s do it. Let’s get personal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I wanted to talk to you about your divorce." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry. I—no, no, no, what I meant—what I meant actually was—" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, yeah, no, it’s okay. I can handle it. Um, so…" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[chuckles, snorts]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple’s counseling." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren’t in couple’s counseling, are you? Oh, God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we’re just starting couple’s counseling. Uh, which doesn’t sound any better." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s—hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "My mistake." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes, it is your mistake. He’s lingering. So annoying. I’m gonna kill him. How can I help? I’m here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s all right." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I’ll hold. I’m sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. [hangs up phone]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. [Stan closes limo door] Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Don’t worry. I’ve scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "All right, if I have to be the good wife, I’ll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I’m a better wife than that. [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy—[knocks] I need to talk to you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, come on in. I’m just on hold with another talent agency. It’s insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there’s more. 251. 252. I can’t even keep up!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[grunts intensely] I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That’s final." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So what I’m hearing you say is, “Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible”?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! I’m sorry I’m being curt, it’s just I’m about to land a top talent agent." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm-hmm. Good luck." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on the phone] Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For five years I’ve held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it’s time for me to just let that thought go. It’s kind of painful, but it’s also freeing in a way. Now it’s all about my instincts." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Pass." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don’t worry, it’s just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It’s just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha—" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Holy [bleep]." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No, you didn’t. Sick of you and your—ooh—" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[fires tranquilizer gun twice]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[falls to the floor with a loud thud]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s all right. Andy approved it." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Man, he’s really in twinkle town now." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren’t those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley’s got way more body fat than they do." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You gave him three shots." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. [claps] Grab his feet. [grunts] Let’s go!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Move it! One, two, three. [grunts]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He’s like a manatee. Ready? Let’s go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! [Stanley’s head hits the door frame] Oh, God.  No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grunts] Okay, we’re good. We’re good. Let’s go. Push!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I am!" } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Any good weekend plans?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I might see a movie." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about you?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Uh, I don’t know yet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grunts] Let’s take him—" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I was thinking about…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let’s go right to the top of the stairs, okay?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "And then what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, listen. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve never actually done this before." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Well, if I may, you’re a natural." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. I mean, I’ve rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uh…" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "That’s a little weird." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. Evel Knievel." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[wraps tape around Stanley’s body]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[connect helmet straps around Stanley’s head] That’s about as good as that’s gonna be." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, now here’s the plan. I’m gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Catch?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I can’t catch him. He’s like, 250 pounds." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? He’s gonna be moving slowly. It’s only—" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Blunt?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s 15 feet down, it’s at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, it’s like your catching a medicine—" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Dude, this size of my haunches— [Stanley’s body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "We should probably call a doctor or something, dude." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley] You okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So how does it work? It’s like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, or…" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You’re really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He might start by asking each of you, “Why do you think you’re here?”" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he shouldn't be rewarded for that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "If I didn’t do certain things without telling Pam, she’d be married to Roy. [chuckles]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I feel like he’s always making these decisions for the family, and then I’m left playing catch-up." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I—this will be so huge for our family." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, what’s a little while?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I mean, what’s the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn’t know when it’s gonna end." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s kind of an impossible question." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, guys, it’s starting! Hurry!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh, there’s Angela! I work with her!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Huh, yeah. [chuckles] I mean, I’m happy Angela’s the first one getting famous, but it’s a little weird, no? I mean, she can’t sing or act, so it’s actually kind of insane, if you think about it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Her hair looks beautiful." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin’ movie star! [kicks trash can]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Andy!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[on the computer screen] I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest… I am gay." }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[surprised chatter]" }, { "character": "Reporter #1", "line": "Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?" }, { "character": "Reporter #2", "line": "Question for the Senator’s beard." } ], [ { "character": "Robert California", "line": "[on the computer screen] I’ll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Poor Angela." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah. Poor Angela." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn’t until my marriage to Angela that I realized how…charmless I find the female body." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oof. Always hurts to hear that one." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "There’s someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on!" }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time—" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oscar is with the Senator too?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn’t know, you didn’t know, and you didn’t freaking know. But I knew! [claps]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He knew!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes, we did it!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You did it, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "--with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazing… Chief of Staff Wesley Silver." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Wesley Silver’s gay?" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[surprised chatter]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[gasps]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ohh." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "They make a nice couple." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[gags]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. We’re running late. Let’s get him inside." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "We can’t just leave him bubble wrapped like this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that’s stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "That’s actually really smart." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let’s get him inside." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Carla Fern is not just an actor’s agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Actor?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Oh, no. [chuckles] Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Eh, you go through a lot of mice." } ], [ { "character": "Man", "line": "If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Does anything go on top of the mouse?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Yeah. Little hat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aw, that’s cute." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What’s the mouse’s name?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Eh, you know, it really doesn’t make sense to name the mice. They’re kinda like cannon fodder, you know? You’re not one of those PETA guys , are you? [cat jumps off dog] Oh, great." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, wait, wait, how—how are we doing this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I’ll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Just say “arms” and “legs,” okay? That just—that’s the vernacular that I’m comfortable with." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine, let’s go. [grunts]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hoist his shank on three." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Wha—What’s a shank?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s by the tenderloin." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he’s slouching. Okay, can you—sl-slouch him into the seat. [sighs] Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. [grunts]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got it?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah—yup yup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grunts and closes car door] Get in the back." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get in the back." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Aw, come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get in." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Damn it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we’re about to do?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Helllloooo!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Okay. We, hey—hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Pigeons." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we’ve got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Isn’t the client, like, best friends with his sister?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let’s go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let’s go." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don’t want him to do it anymore, and I don’t want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, if Pam says she won’t go, then—[chuckles] we’re gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That was exhausting." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Blah blah blah blah. Jim." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, they deserve each other, then." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "They do. That they do." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "That is for sure." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[whispers] That they do." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And for—oh, whoopsie daisy. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Mrs. Davis", "line": "Stanley, what is going on here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He’s fine. He gets carsick really easily." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Driving." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we’re talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ooh-hoo, look at that baby…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ohhh…" }, { "character": "Mrs. Davis", "line": "That’s Benji in the middle." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That’s Benji. Oh, he’s precious. That’s a healthy-looking baby." }, { "character": "Mrs. Davis", "line": "Very special little boy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look at him. I’ve never seen such a beautiful child." }, { "character": "Mrs. Davis", "line": "Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he’ll go, “eee.”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like this? Watch." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Eee." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Mrs. Davis", "line": "Like that." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "A beautiful family." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] Right? Come on!             " } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, maybe I’ll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it’s the most pleasant I’ve ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis." }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "So, what can you do?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Australian accent] Well, what can’t I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn’t noticed, I’ve got a pretty good British accent." }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "Can you drive a car?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here." }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal’s going out on." }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": ": Yes. And yes. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid’s party, let ‘em throw pies at ya?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. [sniffs] I’m all for it." }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "Well, Mr. Bernard, I’m gonna be honest with you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "Uh, no. We’re—we’re gonna take you on as a client." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me." }, { "character": "Carla", "line": "We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Uh, it doesn’t include headshots." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It doesn’t include headshots." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn’t even know it. I’ll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. [chuckles] Silly me. Gotta take the stairs." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, no, I’m not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well—no, no—n—" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[stomps on the ground] We need a winch and a hoist." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. Hey, champions." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Quater finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I did. I got some really good sleep." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Did you? [pushes pencil cup at Erin]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[grabs pencils out of cup quickly as cup falls] Bzzz." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. [whispers] Practically made of plastic." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill [cut to Kevin flying paper airplane], others relied on showmanship [cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head] others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. [cut to Creed throwing a melon] And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through, beep beep. [Pam's plane hit Toby in the eye]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ow! Ow!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I didn't see you! You should have yelled “Crossing!”" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[crying] I'm sorry!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, so is that my spot?" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "We are now down to an elite eight. Well, seven and Toby." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Reading from script] Be careful of that beaker, it contains dangerous acid!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It does not say dangerous. And there's no exclamation point." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well I'm just trying to bring some life to it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Last week I got an agent and uh, this week I got a movie. HRPDC chemical handling protocols. It's gonna be seen by tons of workers in the industrial chemical community. One of whom could have a cousin whose brother's Brad Pitt. And boom, next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs Two." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Go away, we're running lines." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You wanted to see the gooey eye." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh yeah. Alright, get over here. I am so freaked out by things going into eyes. I just- wow. [moves to lift Toby's eye patch] Uggggh! I can't even, I'm so freaked out by that, just go. Go go go go go." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Alright, it's getting gooier so we'll just do it later." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, Ok. [Closes door] Alright. Where were we?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Something full of acid." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[claps] That was great man. Alright, I'm out of here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Don't go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Let's do it six more times." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. I just wanted to say that you woke up early with the kids and let me sleep and I really appreciate that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. I appreciate that you appreciate that." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, we had couple's therapy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No shame in that. Get it all out in the open." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And we have homework." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, we are supposed to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate each other's sacrifices. Because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while I'm in Philly." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And we're also supposed to speak our truths." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmhm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because if I had spoken my truth sooner about not wanting to move to Philly, then maybe we wouldn't have had this opportunity for couple's therapy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do “opportunities.”" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow. Carla Fern got me a gig." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Who's Carla Fern?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sargent. And one of my best friends. Oh, and Oscar, I already figured it out. If I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just going to think about you getting dumped by the Senator." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why wouldn't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Little raw. Not cool Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "But you just!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not cool." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper, who will be joining us to judge the final rounds." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm pumped!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Clark's a dead man." }, { "character": "Robert California", "line": "Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this. [holds up large check for $2,000]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh my god!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nellie you didn't tell us we could win money." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh yes I did, I told you all. It was..um, cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "I forgot. I completely forgot. But at least now that large piece of cardboard that man was carrying around makes sense." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Nellie, this is a competition. Please take it seriously." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh please. [Dwight watches Angela folding paper airplane]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Me? Oh, I'm fine. I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment is just fine [camera shows small cluttered space with excessive cats and Phillip crying] for me.. and Phillip... and Tinky... and Crinklepuss, and Bandit 2, and Pawlick Baggins, and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens." } ], [ { "character": "Phillip", "line": "[cries]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Come here, come here. Let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I had a chance with Dwight, but I didn't take it. And if I went back now, when I'm broke and he just inherited a farm, I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps you read about that try to bag a farmer." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind, the next move is hers. I'm with Esther now. She's younger than Angela, sturdier, more comfortable with the scent of a manured field. Let's be honest. When it came to manured fields, Angela was at best indifferent." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Oh, wide wings, interesting." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey. Why don't you back off?[looks at Pete]...I mean best of luck to you in the competition." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Growing up in an orphanage, you have to fight other kids. For everything. Snacks, pillows, parents. I'm kinda worried about Pete seeing that side of me. I once ripped greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head. Just for a handful of Crispix." } ], [ { "character": "Carla Fern", "line": "Are you in that paper documentary too?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Carla Fern", "line": "Do you need an agent?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. He's- I mean, you've never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I was in The Whiz in high school." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says “action.”" }, { "character": "Carla Fern", "line": "Hey, I made them get you a chair. All my clients sit." } ], [ { "character": "Woman", "line": "Can I take your picture?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I guess it's starting. Um, yeah. Of course. Yeah sure. Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you and then I can take it-" }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Got it. [lowers head to show hair, but keeps looking up just as she tries to take the picture]" }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "No, if you could just keep it down until.." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "OK, next up we have two creatures great and small. Kevin versus Angela." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself. Cause it's in the rules that you have to fold your own plane." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Kevin, did you make that yourself?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I call for a refold!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really? [to Dwight] Thank you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is flatter." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Ok, that's enough. This is the end of the ring now. You have to pick one." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can't. I love them all too much. And, none of them fly. So that makes it harder." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "You have to choose one now." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Fine. [throws plane, doesn't fly]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Angela advances." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clapping] Whoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Was Dwight rooting for me? Hmm. I hadn't noticed." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "An Earl Grey tea for the lady." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thank you. I acknowledge and appreciate that you went out of your way to get me tea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you. I like being appreciated. But, to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way because I felt like a tea anyway. So, one trip." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, to speak my truth, I switched to coffee in March. There's a new espresso machine. But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture." } ], [ { "character": "Director", "line": "We are rolling and...action!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Happily] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death." }, { "character": "Producer", "line": "Ok, um, stop. Um, why are you smiling so much?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job." }, { "character": "Director", "line": "Ok, well maybe no smiling on this one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So how do you want, how should I do it?" }, { "character": "Director", "line": "I don't know, just like you're reporting the news or something. Ok?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[ridiculous news voice] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols." }, { "character": "Director", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's Tom Brokaw, it's a newscaster." }, { "character": "Director", "line": "Who was that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tom Brokaw!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on Clark!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Come on Clark. [Clark throws plane, Erin throws plane it goes much farther]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah! Oh! Eat it piggy! Eat it! Oink oink oink oink!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "We've still gotta work together, so we should keep it civil." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Snorts and grunts] I can't hear what you said. [snorting, grunting] You got your slop? [Squeals]" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "You know what, this is completely unnecessary. You already won..." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Erin! Erin! Just stop." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Relax." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis." }, { "character": "Bob Vance & Vance Refrigeration", "line": "You can do it baby!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No you can't baby! [to Dwight, whispers] Good luck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Watch and learn." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Dwight defeats Phyllis, Dwight you are through to the semi-finals." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, Esther." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you- [Esther kisses him] You're here early." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast cause I knew I was seeing you tonight. There might just be a little feather in your nuggets or a little bit of meat inside of your pillow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I like a little feather in my nuggets. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Alright ladies and gentlemen, we are down to the final four. Dwight, Erin, Angela and god only knows how, but Toby. One of you will walk away with two thousand dollars." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Director", "line": "Ok here you have just knocked over the beaker, the chemicals splashed in your eye." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Which is insanely painful." }, { "character": "Director", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to, to really express that pain." }, { "character": "Director", "line": "That's great. So what you're gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station and then just kinda flush out your eyes. You know, get the chemicals out. Alright?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So I just lean over this thing and then you'll add the water special effect later?" }, { "character": "Director", "line": "What water special effect?" }, { "character": "Producer", "line": "Yeah, yeah just hold your lids open with one hand and let the stream bathe your eyeballs." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts. I'll get nude if you want me to, I'll go full Lena Dunham but I-" }, { "character": "Director", "line": "Dude, we don't need you to go nude, OK? So just do the eyewash, Ok? That's all we're asking." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Darryl, what do I do?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hold up, I'm looking at my spit with a microscope." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eye dropper." }, { "character": "Production Assistant", "line": "So Andy, so you know how to use this. You step on the pedal, water squirts in your eyes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Carla! Carla!" } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "It is time for a little T & A. I give you: Toby and Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[throws plane far] Oh my god! Oh my god. Ok it's your turn. [Toby crumples plane and steps aside." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, Angela is the winner." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "[to Dwight] Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Oh. Is she a gambler?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way, like the song." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Hmm. That is sad." } ], [ { "character": "Carla Fern", "line": "[grabs Andy by the cheeks] Andy! If you don't stick your eyes in that machine, I'm going to call every production in North Eastern Pennsylvania. You won't even make an appearance on a security camera! [Andy starts to cry]" }, { "character": "Producer", "line": "What's the hold up here?" }, { "character": "Director", "line": "The actor's crying." }, { "character": "Producer", "line": "Oh god." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "She yelled at me. I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye and act like it doesn't freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you believe in me?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I believe I want to go home." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[throws plane far] Yeah! Ok! Beat that! [Erin throws plane, loses, Dwight laughs] Whoo! Ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dammit! Dammit, god. [To Pete] Sorry. Yeah I'm fine. I'm fine. I got mad. Cause I don't like losing. I'm just gonna- Sorry I'm mad! I'm mad, I’m really mad. I wanted to win. We were gonna win a lot of money, I was gonna buy you a sweater. It's stupid. Just the whole contest is stupid. That's how it feels." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah. [Erin kicks box] Whoa!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry I'm mad! I don't like losing! I thought I was going to win!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Ok [tries to help her] Hey hey hey, whoa." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to go upstairs and just..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner to thank her for all that extra babysitting." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you know how much I appreciate the opportunity to hang out with your mom more. So let me just put this in my calendar." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you. Your mom is a treasure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I appreciate that some opportunities can be unpleasant- [Jim's phone rings, he answers]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey that's work, hold on. Hey Wade, did Cole Hamels call back or what? Great. Good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, to speak my truth, I'd appreciate if you hung that up cause we were in the middle of a conversation. [Jim hangs up phone] I appreciate the sacrifice." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok to speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic. I think that's a little unfair." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really? I've been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for a months. And you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I guess I will swallow my truth." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Are you guys high? Because if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're not high." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I wish we'd started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so... blocked up." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The Mark 47 is ready for launch. [throws plane but it sticks to his hand] Less paste." } ], [ { "character": "Director", "line": "Here we go. Rolling and... action!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[doing eyewash] AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!!" }, { "character": "Director", "line": "And cut. We can fix the sound in post." }, { "character": "Producer", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can do a better one." }, { "character": "Producer", "line": "That's fine, we'll move on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I said I can do a better one. Darryl..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Action!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[eyewashes again] AHH! AHH! AHH!" }, { "character": "Carla Fern", "line": "Kid can act!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Each contestant will throw two aeroplanes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "After you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you. [plane loops up and falls at her feet] Oh god!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Angela's first throw, terrible. Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[fake throws and drops plane] Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand, what a whiff. Ah, how'd that happen? God. [Angela smiles]" }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. It's such a pity. Use the money wisely. [Angela looks disgusted]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't you dare tank this. [Dwight throws plane far, Angela fake throws and drops her plane]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "And we have a winner. And it's Dwight. And it is everyone because this is over." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Two grand huh? I know a guy who can turn that into eight hundred dollars. And it's me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[To Esther] Well, I guess you needed the money more than me huh? Use it wisely." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I was disappointed in Dwight today. He showed a weakness that was unbecoming. Even if he did do it for me. I don't need pity and I don't need charity. I have my dignity and that's enough. And as long as I have that, I'll be ok." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know this was really weird, and it was really hard. But I think we're making progress. So I'm really sorry that I have to go but let's keep at this. Ok?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. [intense moment where Jim leaves and Pam seems conflicted. She notices his umbrella and runs out to follow him]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim! [hands him umbrella]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Alright, have a good trip." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! [Runs after her and looks into her eyes] I... [hugs her tightly, Pam doesn't hug back]" } ], [ { "character": "Pastor", "line": "[Flashback to Jim & Pam's wedding] Love suffers long and is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. [Pam hugs Jim back finally] And now these three remain: Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. [Pam kisses Jim]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I love you." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m taking some time off from work—well, my other work—because we needed it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It’s great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The phone has been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kind of going nuts." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But that doesn’t matter. This does. It’s the only thing that matters. We’ve had some really nice days together." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice morning, too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Beesly! Oh, my god." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agent’s putting me up for a furniture commercial." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, definitely blue." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Totally, right? So, Big Tuna, what’s up? Back in the small pond?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "For now, yeah. I was spreading myself way too thin—" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, well, it took me a while, but I finally realized that I can’t give 100% to two things at once you know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tell me about it, you know? I’ve been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don’t know if I’m wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Huh. Well, you know, you can’t have everything so you gotta ask yourself what makes you the happiest. You just go all in for what’s most important. That’s my new thing." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[noticing Angela looking very unkempt] Is everything ok?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. Everything is not okay. The county took my cats." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, all of them?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Two sacks’ worth. Apparently my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio. And while I was out picking Phillip up from daycare, they came. They came into my house." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That’s—that’s awful, Angela. I’m so sorry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It’s the [bleep] that lives downstairs. She’s this uptight, judgmental shrew. You know the type." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I’ve never met anyone like that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And they’re gone. And I have no one left. Without my cats, I am utterly and completely alone." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, you still have your son." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I guess." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention, everyone. May I have your attention? There are four new deadly weapons in this office. [kicking and punching] Basher, Thrasher, Crasher and—" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Smasher!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Smasher? No, where’d you get that? Fireball. This morning after hours of combat with some of the city’s best teenagers I earned my black belt in Goju Ryu martial arts." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei, sensei Billy, thought I had more than enough training to take the test. Turns out, sensei Ira was a bit of a shyster. Sensei Billy says most students don’t spend $150,000 over 20 years to get their black belt." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony, right here in the office at lunch, lunch not provided." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fireball!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah! [throws punch] That’s how it’s done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s pretty good. I feel safe." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey, Erin. Is Andy in?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, is Andy in? Sorry, I thought you said “is Indian” and was like, “Is Indian what?” Is Indian food good? Is Indian jewelry pretty? Is Indian hair an expensive kind of wig? Yes, to all three, by the way." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Lately, I’ve been having a lot of trouble keeping track of Andy’s calendar. His student film audition schedule is crazy hectic." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes, there’s Andy! Andy is in. I’m a good receptionist, I know he’s in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "David Walrus, in his native habitat." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey, Andy. Can we go in your office and talk?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "This isn’t going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away from three months to the Caribbean. Then last week he used company money to buy a top-of-the-line photo printer. In his words, “The kind that’s good for head shots.” And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants. Claimed it’s gonna boost office morale. Now, he’s a good guy. But honestly, at some point, the ice gets too thin and you fall through. And that is when you get fired." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Andy—" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m gonna stop you right there. David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh-huh, but—" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I’ll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So you think you’ve been too focused on your job?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So you—you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don’t—it just… I owe it to myself and my future fans." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, well, I guess I can’t stand in the way of a man’s dream. And it seems like you have the gift." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you, David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "There’s probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point, can I?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nope. I have made up my mind. I’m really sorry." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well, good luck." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. Not gonna need it." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well that kind of worked out." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I think just anybody could be a star. My postman, the night janitor here, but Andy? No, definitely not. Charisma black hole." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Clark. I’m actually here today. Surprise! So I was wondering if I could maybe have my desk back." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Right. Yeah. But, you know, I’ve actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So, I kind of feel like I’ve earned this. I mean, you know?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that I’m here." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Right. Well, I’m here to sell paper." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "All right, Jim, look, I just got made junior salesman. Right? And—and Wallace is here today. And I don’t him to just think of me as a customer service rep that sits in the annex. I mean, you can get that, right? Right? And what do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "it’s okay. You can sit in the annex." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’ll come visit you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. The annex it is. I’ll be sitting at your desk if that’s okay with you." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "That’s fine with me. But be careful, it is very easy to get lost in Pete’s beautiful, dead eyes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everyone, a little breaking news for ya. Just had a little chat with David Wallace. And, um, I’m taking a leave of absence from Dunder Mifflin, forever." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I can’t say we didn’t see it coming. But it’s a sad day when anybody is fired. We’re so sorry, Andy." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, uh, uh, uh, Andy was not fired." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wasn’t fired. What are you talking about? I’m fired up, yes. Guys, I’m—I’m leaving to pursue my lifelong dream of being famous." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, so, I’ll see you on the red carpet. See, that’s how it works." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy sings beautifully. And he’s really good at dancing. He’s a good speaker. But there’s just something there you don’t want to look at." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how am I doing as your desk mate, by the way? You probably miss Clark." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah, a little bit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, wow. But, um—Oh, I get that." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh, no, no, no. No it’s cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I get it." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "It’s cool, man. I’m sure you and I will have our own thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Definitely. Go Phillies, right. You don’t watch baseball. I keep forgetting that." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I just think you’re going into this a little fast." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m 38, Darryl, how much slower should I go?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Show business is cold. Let’s say you get a job, which you probably won’t. They’re not gonna cut you any slack. You’re meant for a job with lots and lots of slack." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right. I get it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "The male is a funny species. We don’t just tell each other how we feel, that’s chick stuff. So instead of saying, “Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don’t want you to leave.” You say something like, “Hey, Andy, you’re making the worst mistake of your life. You’re not talented.” Well… right back at you, Darryl." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[hugs Darryl] I’m gonna miss you too. Mmm!" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Andy’s from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work, and died quietly from a heart attack?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don’t know. You know who’s really funny? This bird, in the park, that can’t fly right. I’d pay to see him. But I don’t have to cause the park is free!" } ], [ { "character": "Sensei", "line": "I will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts!" }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "It’s not a large room, I think they heard me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Take my belt, master. I now submit to you every part of myself. [thrusts hips at Ira]" }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "That’s really ok. I’m mostly focused on the belt here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just slip it off my—Slip it off my hips." }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "Hold it—Take a step back. Take a step back. [they bow, then Dwight thrusts again] Okay, okay. I can’t—I can’t do this if you’re gonna be thrusting like that, okay? I think we’re gonna have to cut this off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight has been practicing karate for years. When we were dating, I would help him with his strength training. He would strap me to his chest in a baby Bjorn made for fat children and do lunges across the farm. It felt like I was flying." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There it is. [everyone applauds]" }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "Congratulations." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We did it, we did it. I love you." }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. You’re gonna watch me right?" }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "Yes, I will. [Dwight starts doing karate]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sensei, you’re not watching." }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "Yeah, I’m watching. Just do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Watching?" }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "I’m watching." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Watch this part, okay?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Sensei, do you generally do house calls like this?" }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "Uh, you can just call me Billy. And no. No, but Dwight insisted. He wanted to receive his black belt in the place he loves most in the world." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "He said that? He’s an odd guy, isn’t he?" }, { "character": "Sensei", "line": "Yes. Irritating, also yes. But I gotta hand it to him, he’s one of the most tenacious and determined men I’ve ever met. [Dwight finishes his routines and everyone applauds]" }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Oh! I’m am so proud of you, Schru-berry blue." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I really felt like I almost lost her, and—and nothing is worth that." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well, I gotta tell you, Jim, a lot of guys in my circle? They wouldn’t even change their golf schedule to shore up their marriage let alone their professional goals." } ], [ { "character": "Clark", "line": "Dude, there is no way that Jim is just back here to hang out with Pam." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You did not just say that! You don’t know Pam. She is really cool." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "All I’m saying is, forget about my chair. He wants the manager’s chair. And I thought you wanted that job." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I did. But I made too many mistakes. It’s out of my reach now. Besides, I think Jim would be a fine manager. I’d be happy to see Jim as manager." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So, the reason that I called you in here is because Andy is moving on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Again." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Again! And I’m looking for a new manager. And with his performance this year, I have been considering Dwight. Am I crazy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not at all. It should be Dwight." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You’re gonna want to invest in a lot more liability insurance, but, uh—" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, if there is someone out there who loves paper more than Dwight, I definitely don’t want to meet that person." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Andy, we just wondered if we could have a word." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It’s now or never." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Well, we just had a quick question about this decision of yours. You know, to leave a stable job and pursue a career in the entertainment business. In your late 30s. With no savings to fall back on. And no real connections in that business, which can be competitive." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, sure. What’s your question?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Our question is—it seems dumb." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, it’s better than sticking around here and half-assing it, right?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Of course. But what if you were to stay here, you know, and “full-ass” it? Um, really give it a go. Be the greatest manager in the history of this branch and in that way achieve the fame and immortality that you seek. Hmm?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nah. I like my plan better." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, Andy, your plan sucks, okay? Nobody is going to hire you ever. You’re too character-y to be a lead and you’re not fat enough to be a great character actor." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, I don’t think that he can make it as an actor. But, he also can’t make it as an employee in an office, so why not go nuts with it?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, are you still in charge of office supplies?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I seem to have sticky not emergency where I grab it on the wrong end, and this happens." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, boy. Um—" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If you could help me out, that would be—" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I could give you some beginner stickies?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Anything would help." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here you go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, also, while you’re at it, if you did have a salt packet, three tacks and some aspirin, that would be great. Oh, wow. You have that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that’s—" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It’s all yours." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You come so prepared. Aspirin." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanna get rid of a headache, you sit on something sharp. Any sensei will tell you that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, congratulations on that black belt, man. It’s really great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the manager’s job?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. He was maybe thinking of you for it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, right. I’m afraid that ship has sailed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Just saying." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, hello." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Big day for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Big day for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Love the belt." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, I don’t know anything about karate but I have broken a few boards in my day. Diving boards, at my family pool in Redding. I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-dog’s outta here, so letting it all hang out!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is exciting! You’re finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you, I appreciate that. ‘Cause a lot of people are saying I might not make it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I doubt you’ll make it. Very few do who’ve tried to be a star. But, listen, you’ve saved up enough money to take a couple of years off to pursue your dream and have some fun, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I just applied for more overdraft protection." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy, I have nothing to gain from getting you to stay, and everything to gain from you leaving. But please, I have known you for years, I have seen you perform. Dear god, don’t quit your day job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[cockney accent] Nothing is impossible to him who will try. [normal] Alexander the Great, if he were cockney." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re bad." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Erin. Honest Erin, cannot tell a lie. We lay together. That’s something you can’t take back." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So true. Is there a question, or are—what?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I am making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Bluntly? Yes. Huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless. Or maybe even starve." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. [steps into conference room]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You can stay on as a salesman, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. [leaves]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Dwight, could you come in here for a second, please?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Say it again." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Will you be the new manager?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What branch?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Here. Scranton. [Dwight falls to his knees] Come on. Come on, Dwight. Get up. Let’s go. It’s good news." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’m sorry. I’ve just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean, I was interim manager once, but then I shot that gun." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But this isn’t interim manager. No. It’s Dwight K. Schrute… [pulls a business card out of his wallet] Manager." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Why do you already have this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision, David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will never, ever let you down." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I know, Dwight. I know. [reaches out to shake Dwight’s hand, Dwight hugs him] Okay. Okay. All righty. You’re gonna do great." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What’s up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I have a question." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I had a question." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I did!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, totally you did." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Super important." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I need you to stay right here while you think about it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right? I’m gonna wait." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "All right. I did not come back here just to see you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m sure you did not. What was your question?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don’t know, but it might take me a long time to figure it out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, then, I should figure out things to do while I’m waiting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Exactly." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, everybody, I changed my mind. Not leaving. I’m gonna stay on in sales." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, thank god. Because sales could be your best role yet." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, good choice, man. Seriously. Don’t want to see you in a porn next year." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh, there’s a great play about a salesman." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Death of a salesman." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don’t think so." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure, ‘Death of a Salesman’ by Arthur Miller, it’s a great play about crushed dreams." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, this one was written by Spongebob Squarepants." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sits at Dwight’s desk] Got any hot leads?" } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "See, so you just push from under, and turn it around, and boom. No the staple crimps outward." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I had no idea. And here I’ve been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin’ sheep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look who’s back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m back. Oh, hey, look, and now it’s like a double date." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Wow. Cause, uh [gestures to him and Erin and then to Pam and Jim with sound effects]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Actually, maybe we should go on a double date some time. That’d be fun." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, we should do that for real sometime." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, how about Thursday?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, well, Thursday’s tough, because of—" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Weeknights are actually tough just because—" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s true, yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Just forget it. Forget I said anything." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Attention, everyone, just a quick announcement. Little reconfiguration to the staff. Dwight Schrute—" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "David. Can I just do one thing while you’re making this announcement and then I’ll never, ever do it again?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I don’t think so." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s just one thing. Just let me—let me do this—" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Come on—what I was about to say was Dwight—[phone buzzes] Oh, I’m sorry, I gotta—This’ll be a second, sorry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just wait and send it to voicemail." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. Come on." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] Then we’ll get him a new set of drums." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[climbs up on desk] Dwight Schrute is manager! [everyone cheers and applauds]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Brava, brava." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[from atop his desk] Creed Bratton is the new manager! [nobody responds]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What’s going on?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dwight’s the new manager. He freaking did it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[hugs Dwight] Congratulations, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hugs Dwight] Congratulations, buddy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Jim." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Congrats, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get out of Jim’s seat." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "But I fought for this seat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re an annex kid. You might be bullpen, we’ll see. Give it a couple of years. Scram." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It’s nice to have you back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So…" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wanted to offer you a new position." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let’s hear it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Assistant regional manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. Can’t accept that job. It’s not a real job." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’ll tell you what I could accept is assistant to the regional manager. That is a real job and one I’d be proud to take." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate, idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely here for Pam. But this is an awesome added bonus." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, all the numbers adding up?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, I didn’t get a chance to say it, but… congratulations, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes. Congratulations." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, and Dwight, I’d like to be the first to say congratulations." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is a big day for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, it is. Carry on." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? It’s cause I had a fallback. That’s the problem. When you have fallbacks, it’s just easy to give up. When Cortez landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats. So they could never return home. Huge dick move but very effective. I need to be that same kind of dick to myself." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everyone! Changed my mind again." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What’s it now, dream or no dream?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, dream. Goin’ with my dream. Gotta go all in, isn’t that right, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, don’t look at me cause I think you’re making a terrible choice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All in! Whoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, then, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, but here’s the thing. I can’t have good old Dunder Mifflin to fall back on or else I’ll never succeed. Gotta burn those boats! So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Andy, you know I can’t do that. It’d be lying." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, I’m—" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on, just do it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I can’t." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, fine, just know that you made me do this. [starts touching Toby’s thighs]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[fending Andy off] Oh, come on. Andy, no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "God, Toby, don’t—stop blocking my hand." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is your—you brought this on." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, no. Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[answering phone] This is Angela. Oh. Hello, Miss Polodnikovski. Uh, how can I help you? Did my rent check not clear? Because I just transferred another $25 to that account. So if there’s a problem it’s clearly on your end. And—oh. Oh. Oh, okay. Good. Then... um… what is this about? No, no. Hey, hey! No, you are out of line Miss Polodnikovski. No, no you are. No you are! Evicted? Fine! I didn’t want to live in that cesspool anyway! Listen, I get my security deposit back. Yes, I do. This is not fair! That is not fair! Well, you know what? You have so many hairs on your chin that Animal Control should’ve taken you away. That is very unladylike! You are disgusting! [hangs up phone]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What do you think that was about?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And I’d just like to point out, I was mad at Dwight. I did it out of spite." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We put the past behind us, though, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Enough, Andy. Enough!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just stop forgiving me, David, please? This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself. What if I took a dump on your new car?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Oh my god." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Eleanor Roosevelt once said ‘the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.’ [clip of him flipping off David Wallace] I think she’s right. [clip of David Wallace yelling at Andy to get out] I feel calm now. [clip of Andy taking a dump on a car] I feel, like, for the first time in a long time, I’m doing the right thing." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, heavy stuff like books on the bottom. So it don’t squash my knickety-knacks on top." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, okay. That’s not what I mean. You don’t have to leave because you said you would. Don’t let pride ruin your whole life. Okay? It’s not worth it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow. Angela. What we had was great, and, honestly I think about it a lot too—" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But I just—it’s in the past. And I feel like we shouldn’t…" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, that’s not—" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Rehash—" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, none—No, stop. It’s just—" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay. Well, have a good trip. Good luck, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks, Angela. You too." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "A-bridge, a-burnt. No turning back now. Everybody, Lorelai and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, good lord." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Can’t you just leave?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, Andy, you could just say a really nice goodbye." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna, I’m a performer. And perform I shall. [sings ‘I Will Remember You’—everyone is slightly impressed]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] You okay?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[crying] It’s just a really nice song." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[everyone applauding] Awesome!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Who knows? Maybe Andy will make it. He’s not terrible." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time. Like Lil Romeo." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, he’s good." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "He was good." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good night, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Night, Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I’ve changed my mind." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wait a minute. You’re not thinking of living in a—" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, god, could you just mind your own business?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, I’m just gonna say this. You are not going to live in a tent." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, god." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Come stay with me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You don’t want me at your place." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which won’t be long. It’s the least I could do." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well…" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Separate bathrooms." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You’re welcome. Let’s go get Phillip. Then we’ll get your stuff…" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And get you the hell outta that place." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you allowed to have pets?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You talk to Wade and Colin?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I just saw I missed their call. Why? What’s up?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We got an offer on the table." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What kind of offer?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "A buyout." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We’re in play, baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my god!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We did it! Hey, and look, the buyers wanna make sure it’s not just a Philly play, so get this: they’re gonna pay for us to go pitch out west. We talking Spurs, the Jazz, Cowboys. Blake Griffin, baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that is… wow." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, we did it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, we did. Hey, how long—how long do we think that’s gonna take?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Wade said we could do the whole country in three months." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, man. Yeah, I can’t do it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Can’t do what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This, man. I can’t do this to Pam." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, no, Jim. This is different. This is everything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. And I can’t do it." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "So is your place all bachelor-slobby and gross?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, it’s neat and tasteful, like most gay men’s homes. The stereotype holds up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I wouldn’t know. I never lived with a gay guy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, you just were—" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[starts sobbing] I love him." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on. You—you can’t—" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, not the senator. I love Dwight." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "The tea in Nepal is very hot." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they’re protecting America’s real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day’s security codes. Something that’s been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It’s not the KGB, but it’s a start." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "The tea in Nepal is very hot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But the coffee in Peru is far hotter." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Close." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Colder." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The coffee in Paraguay is colder?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No, I meant you’re getting colder. The correct response is, “the coffee in Peru is much hotter.”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, much, ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But, that’s three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no. Give me the steam." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s just harmless steam to panic intruders. I’d like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[while getting steamed] Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[carrying in clothes on hangers] Oh, I’m saving a fortune on dry cleaning." } ], [ { "character": "Philip", "line": "Mama!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, someone wants you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ok, coming. Hi, baby." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela’s divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it’s Angela who’s living in the closet. Hey-o." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services." } ], [ { "character": "Esther", "line": "Go get ‘em, honey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, don’t worry. They’ll get got." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check… on that later today. This is my grandmother’s ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother’s buttock bullet ring." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that’s premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick." }, { "character": "Check-in guy", "line": "Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America’s Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It’s a really cool show, it’s like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sales form for you to sign." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what to do. [waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox] Ok" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aw, thanks, man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we’ve overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War—" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All depends on the conference room meeting itself. [phone chimes] Uh, okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is that them again?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe you should call back?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I will. I will." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that’s final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I’m not risking that again." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he’s giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he’s certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Welcome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He welcomes you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please take an agenda item." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Your agenda-taking pleases him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. “Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.” [buzzer sound] That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let’s not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you’re expecting a fax today, please don’t yell out, “Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.” Ok? That’s nonsense." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Question." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, beautiful girl in the front." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they’re delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, “Nice jugs”?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[overlapping] Zero. No nonsense. You can’t have nonsense." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as Angela enters with Phillip] What is going on?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Daycare won’t take Phillip anymore." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won’t forgive. So, hi." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hi, buddy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who’s excited?" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I’d better come out of this smelling like a rose. I’ve been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn’t for the cameras, I would’ve done some truly vulgar crap." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Over the course of this documentary I’ve had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’m letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard’s. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I can’t believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! [singing] Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "America wants it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, this is my time! You don’t belt on my time! I belt on my time." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "[singing] Casey Dean!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[vocalizing over her] Casey Dean!" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Man, those are some nice pipes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "What’s your name?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Andy. What’s yours?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why didn’t you pack the apple snacks?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why didn’t you pack the apple snacks?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Guys." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Guys." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why don’t you pack it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Guys." }, { "character": "Angela & Oscar", "line": "Kevin, what?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says “bold front” instead of “cold front”? It’s insane." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Not now, Kevin. Can’t you see we’re busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Seriously, Kevin. I’m just gonna have to go to the store." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ok, you go to the store." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It’s all about Phillip. I hate Phillip." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not now! Private time!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I love Star Wars as much as the next guy—" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, hey! Seriously? [holds up Battlestar Galactica model box]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "My god, I’m so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which is, of course…" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Potential future nonsense." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I’m gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You’ve got a regional manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The power source." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A loyal, but bungling apostle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I’d have to get some more wire and string, but it’s doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, right. I mean, unless they’re willing to pass some tests." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That doesn’t sound crazy, Jim. That’s the sanest thing I’ve ever heard." } ], [ { "character": "Casey", "line": "What’re you listening to?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Oh, sweet." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch." }, { "character": "Mark McGrath", "line": "What’s up, everybody? And welcome to America’s Next A Cappella Singing Sensation!" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Ah! It’s Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You’re gorgeous!" }, { "character": "Mark McGrath", "line": "Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There’s a mole?" }, { "character": "Mark McGrath", "line": "Oops. I’m not supposed to—I’m not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it." }, { "character": "Mark McGrath", "line": "Good man right there. I’ll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "What? On a roll much?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don’t know where it came from." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "That was amazing, man!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Yeah, you made a personal connection with him." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I did, I felt it." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Big time." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you so excited about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you up to?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Members of the office, hear ye." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That means ye, Plop!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Plop? Still?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Aw, heck ya!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’ll always have the upper hand, when you’ve got a good a-arm. Trademark pending." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that’s for fueling only. No savoring." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow, the honor. God, I envy them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He envies you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don’t need to repeat right now, when I’m saying it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What up?" }, { "character": "Glenn", "line": "What’s going on? How was the delivery?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I’m here." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Uh, two." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "985,000,000,000,017." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not even close, Meredith. Come on!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Theme song from Saved by the Bell." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other’s minds. You’re trying to give your wife this job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "A horse." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ew, the exact opposite, actually." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "What’s the opposite of a horse?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Jim & Dwight", "line": "Sea horse." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna—" }, { "character": "Jim & Dwight", "line": "Say that? Uncanny." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Challenge number two, protocol. Clark?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you want a corn dog?" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "I would love a corn dog." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We’ll see. You are an assistant who’s just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "[reading] Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no! You don’t read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There’s no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don’t have diplomatic relations." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uncanny." } ], [ { "character": "Soldier", "line": "I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they’ll feel like anything is possible." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "I don’t know. But I’m getting really worried here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Me too. Hold my place in line." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Where are you going?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thanks, man." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yep. Take care." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Darryl, hey." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool, are you coming back to say hi?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, no, I’m not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn’t say goodbye to." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aha. How’s Athlead?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We livin’ like rock stars. I’m about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Jim really doesn’t want to come?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He says he doesn’t want to." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Wow. Man. I hope he doesn’t regret it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That’s what he says." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A thousand times more." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I’ll try this one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[grabbing the coffee] Hot!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. It’s real. It’s the only way you’ll learn. OK, and go ahead. [Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course] Oh, god, nice! She’s through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[over Jim] No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look at that form." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis] Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! [races through obstacles, spilling coffee] Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here’s your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uncanny. [everyone applauds]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Darryl?! Darryl!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, hey. Hey, what’s up, y’all?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You left us without saying goodbye." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey! No way!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That’s totally uncool." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don’t think I sh-" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Get upstairs, mister!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Right. Now." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Guess I’m going upstairs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing—none of these people are good enough." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What I’m about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I’ve ever said." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! [weak applause] Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. [Dwight awkwardly squats] That’s it. You look really, really good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You all right? What’s going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you happy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, I’m happy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I know that you’re, like, happy and, like, you had fun today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And that was fun. But what about a year from now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What about five years from now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because I’m so glad you’re back, baby, but I’m just—I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you’re giving up so much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This was my decision, not yours." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You didn’t force me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I kind of forced you to do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You did not force me to do this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I did." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t know how else to tell you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m afraid that you’re gonna resent me and I’m afraid that—" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Resent you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is not enough for you and I’m afraid that I’m not enough for you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that really what you think?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not enough? I don’t know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it’s against the rules but I’m gonna need a favor from you guys." }, { "character": "Camera Crew", "line": "Okay. You got it, man." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I didn’t realize we were this close." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We’re all a little hormonal with the doc airing." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Are you gonna come to Poor Richard’s and watch with us tonight?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh… yeah. Depending on traffic." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "He ain’t coming." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, god!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well, it’s been great." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he’s gone for who knows how long." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Maybe forever. Anyhow—" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Did we ever have lunch together, just—just the two of us? You know what, I’m gonna make reservations right now at Cugino’s." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, oh, I’m sure we did." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl’s next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we’ll get this started." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that’s on me. But I’m not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you’re feeling sentimental." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You have to! [everyone grumbling]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. I’ll do one thing with y’all." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Which thing?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I don’t care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. [continues making noise]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, could you not do that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What? I’m moving the ink down in my pen, for work." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Here, use my pen." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Don’t tell me what to do!" }, { "character": "Angela & Oscar", "line": "Shhh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, I don’t need this! And you obviously don’t need me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, where are you going?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He just won’t go down. It’s as if he’s excited by all this paper." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Smart baby. That’s the most flavorful bond." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, what’s goin’ on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young’uns?" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "You’re back!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, it’s me, Andy!" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "No, I know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, no, no. I’m wearing makeup." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "You did a really great job. You even look shorter." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, I took out my lifts." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height." }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Esther", "line": "All day long, it’s moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oink the pigs, that is very important. [watching Phillip]" }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Dwight, I’m telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[puts his grandmother’s ring away] Thank you, Esther." }, { "character": "Esther", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need you to perform a test." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perform a test." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On an innocent baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I’m gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don’t worry, he’s the best in the biz." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn straight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Unless you think he can’t handle it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, he can handle it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[holding Phillip] Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley’s sleeping. You don’t want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I heard that." }, { "character": "Phillip", "line": "Mama." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there’s no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He does have a gift." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, he’s calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites." }, { "character": "Phillip", "line": "Mama." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. [takes Phillip who immediately stops crying] You ever been in a manager’s office before?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It’s called “Schrute or Consequences.” You’re gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?" }, { "character": "Phillip", "line": "Beet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you’re no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes." } ], [ { "character": "Check-in guy", "line": "Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions." }, { "character": "People in line", "line": "Oh come on! Hey!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?" }, { "character": "Check-in guy", "line": "But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America’s Next A Cappella Sensa—" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can’t do that. You can’t do that, we’ve all been waiting." }, { "character": "Check-in guy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am going in there! Don’t—" }, { "character": "Check-in guy", "line": "No, you’re not, sir." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don’t—don’t—" }, { "character": "Check-in guy", "line": "Please don’t." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don’t touch me." }, { "character": "Check-in guy", "line": "I’m not touching you. Okay? [Andy makes a break for it]" }, { "character": "Casey", "line": "Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don’t you dare. Don’t get—I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I’m Casey Dean! You’ll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won’t be seeing the last of me!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don’t know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he’s being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He’s not that smart. He doesn’t know where I hid his duck." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[interrupting contestant singing “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera] Hi. You’re still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You’re like, my three favorite people ever." }, { "character": "Santigold", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[shushing contestant] Sweetheart, you’re amazing, okay? You’re obviously gonna be on the show, so it’s someone else’s turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, [old man voice] my name is Ezra Cornell and I’m just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart." }, { "character": "Aaron Rodgers", "line": "No, you’re a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that." }, { "character": "Clay Aiken", "line": "No, we do not want to hear you sing." }, { "character": "Santigold", "line": "Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nope! Can’t end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss’s car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern." }, { "character": "Aaron Rodgers", "line": "Flag on the play." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That’s—that’s what—yeah. Okay, all right, well, here’s the song. [singing] Far above Cayuga’s waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater—" }, { "character": "Santigold", "line": "What is this song?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you insane? It’s the Cornell fight song." }, { "character": "Clay Aiken", "line": "Listen, all right, thank you very much, we’re not interested." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You didn’t let me finish. That’s not fair." }, { "character": "Aaron Rodgers", "line": "Look, man, you’re not terrible. We’ve heard a lot of really good singers today and you’re just not good enough." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that’s the show. Let me try a different song, okay?" }, { "character": "Aaron Rodgers", "line": "Can he do this?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you’re never fully dressed without a smile. [falters at the judges’ reactions] Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly—" }, { "character": "Santigold", "line": "Look, you gotta go. [Andy falls to his knees, sobbing] You can’t just sit here and cry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh I can so just sit here and cry!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk] Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can’t hear you. I’m giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, I guess, it’s just that Phillip got you something." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think there’s, like, $7 left." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It’s just his way of saying, “Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.”" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Phillip got this for me?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That was a really cool move." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Would you like to hold Phillip? [hands off Phillip] Yeah. That’s Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Easy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What a chubbers. Whoa." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, watch it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I’m losing my balance." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, Kevin, no." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, no." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No horseplay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You wanna play with the cactus?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, no!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we’re gonna be best friends. He’s a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "We have our decision." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You chose one thing?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We want to dance with you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You want to dance?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "One dance, all of us together." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This is what you want?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we’re gonna do this right." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes! [Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey. You wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Door. Chair. It’s about Phillip." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I am sorry he’s here today but I had—" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How thoughtful." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let’s face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man’s closet." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "If he is your son, that’s a great plan. But he’s not. He’s not your son." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very well." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can I go back to my desk now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well I’ve been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn’t believe me, so [shows her DVD] I needed a little help." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, I don’t have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[throws “now” beanbag at Jim] Now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim. I’m not kidding. I need you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Go ahead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, um, this is… [leaves DVD with her]—I’ll be right back." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do we got?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was thinking of proposing to Esther today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! Congratulations, that’s a really big step." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She’s got a ton of great qualities. She’s young, she’s beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we’re third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn’t technically incest." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right in the sweet spot. I think you’re gonna be really happy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whistles] That’s a lot of pros." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So what is the problem?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[hesitates but puts the DVD into the laptop to watch]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don’t know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I’ve been faced with a tough decision, there’s only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Some sort of virus?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Love." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[starts the video; title screen reads “Beesly—You think I’ll have regrets. I asked the doc crew to help me show you why I won’t…”; highlights of Pam and Jim from the documentary play over Snow Patrol’s “Open Your Eyes”]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who’s gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re a good assistant, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not as good as you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s very true. Get the hell outta here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You watched it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, then I guess you’re ready for this. [gives her the Christmas card]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What’s that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It’s from the teapot. Everything you’ll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the card] Not enough for me? You are everything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ok, everybody ready?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hit it, red! [“Boogie Wonderland” by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I’m gonna miss these guys." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok, I’ve got my—" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "See you guys at Poor Richard’s, all right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "All right, Meredith." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, bye." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "See you there." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Bye, Phillip. High five." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother’s, and I’ll meet you at Poor Richard’s in an hour." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you sure you don’t want me to drop him off?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She doesn’t know I’m living with a straight woman. I don’t want to get her hopes up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, my goodness." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in bullhorn] Pull over!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Move to the side of the road!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pull over!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What do you—Dwight! [Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[getting out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on bullhorn still] Shut up, woman!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Who drives like that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen to me! I love you! And I don’t care that Phillip’s not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can you put that down?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This expresses how loudly I love you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It’s too loud." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[puts down bullhorn and kneels] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, yes—yes, I will! [they kiss] I love you!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I love you!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And I lied to you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phillip’s your son." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Why would you say that—" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[excited] Get out! I’m a dad!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You’re a dad!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor’s up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. [Dwight kisses Creed’s head] Oh!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You have to change the channel to PBS." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "College baseball is on." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "But there’s a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it." }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "What’s it about?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "A paper company." }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "How many people want the game? [half the bar cheers] Who wants PBS? [other half cheers] Sorry. Tie means I do nothing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "One more for the doc. [the office staff cheers]" }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Hey, how was the singing show audition?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Ok, thirty seconds to showtime!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I feel scared a little." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I’m not ready for this." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No one is ready for this. You can’t be ready for this. We don’t even know what this is." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here we go. [documentary starts with the first scene of “Pilot”]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew?" }, { "character": "Camera Man", "line": "We’re getting bonus footage for the DVD." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "pff, Nobody buys DVDs anymore." }, { "character": "Camera Man", "line": "It’ll be a pledge gift." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna county. We supply them all. I’m getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning, there’s a mini-reunion. A kind of a “where are they now” panel at a local theatre. It’ll be nice to see everyone again. [laughs] I haven’t seen Kevin since we let him go." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[mimicking trumpet] Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! Whoo, whoo, whoo!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ah, I’ve been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Speech!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is…for…Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! Wait, why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go ahead and just read the frosting." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "“Get out.”" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It’s a colloquial way of saying “you’re fired,” Kevin, which you are." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Dwight, you can’t do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Dwight…[overlapping objections]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Based…on his merit." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm…." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I’m…good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyone’s ever been fired, Toby’s blocked it, so…" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, I don’t think…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Here’s your cake. [squirts frosting on the top] Bye, bye Toby." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[crying] At least I got chocolate." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I bike to work now. Saves on gas, cheaper than a vasectomy and, uh, oh, yeah, it’s good for the environment too." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam and I are great. She just recently finished her mural for the Irish cultural center." } ], [ { "character": "Crowd", "line": "Whoo! Yeah" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Cici] Can you clap! Can you clap for mom?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And Dwight is imitating Japanese business practices for reasons he explained to us in Japanese." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] Angela, are you ready for the wedding?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[whispering] Yes. My heart is so open, I am so at peace. [scoffs] Look at Meredith. She’s disgusting. Those feet. They’re like the paws of an orangutan." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think she looks good. Now that she’s wearing sports bras, we don’t see her boobs as much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is all. Have a good morning." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[after Angela kisses Dwight] What was that for?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[laughing] To remind you that our wedding’s gonna be wonderful." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "D, it’s gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he’s been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don’t…I don’t know why." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I brought in some new faces, and one old. I always like Devon. I hired him back after Creed faked his own death in the baler the day after the doc aired. The only person he fooled was Kevin. Then the police showed up. Turns out, Creed was in the band “The Grass Roots” in the 1960’s. During that time, the police say he sold drugs and trafficked in endangered species meat and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, some fudge?" }, { "character": "Malcolm", "line": "Oh, thanks. I love your fudge." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Malcolm", "line": "I think I gained a couple of pounds since I got here." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[laughing] Oh, you can afford it." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "After 16 years, it’s strange sitting across from somebody who isn’t Stanley. But…he’ll get there." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, the limo’s gonna be here at five. I need everybody to be ready ‘cause I want to pack in a lot." }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Party time! Whorehouse!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, no. No whorehouse. This is Dwight’s night, okay?" }, { "character": "Zeke", "line": "Well, you’re the bestisch mensch." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight has made me his bestisch mensch. Which is Schrute for best man. He’s putting himself entirely in my hands tonight. And I know for over 12 years I’ve done nothing but trick and prank him but tonight…only good surprises. “Guten Pranken”. [chuckles]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh hey, Jim. I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That won’t be necessary tonight." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Great, now we got three hours to fill." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, hold on. Are you sure Mose isn’t going to show up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, he’s been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mose has been weird? That’s so unlike him." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, sure, I’ll talk about it. Why not? American’s next A Cappella Sensation aired my audition. And when I started sobbing uncontrollably, apparently that struck a chord with quite a lot of people. Not a very compassionate chord. The clip went viral, as they say" } ], [ { "character": "Casey Dean", "line": "You can’t just sit here and cry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, I can so just sit here and cry!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Two million hits in the first week and then the parodies started. One from the Philippines got 12 million hits. And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it." } ], [ { "character": "Bill Hader", "line": "[fake crying]" }, { "character": "Seth Mayers", "line": "Oh, Don’t. Aw, come on, Baby Wawa. Don’t be such a baby." }, { "character": "Bill Hader", "line": "[crying and pouring eye drops in his eyes]" }, { "character": "Seth Mayers", "line": "Oh, No. It’s gonna be alright." }, { "character": "Bill Hader", "line": "[pulling multiple tissues out]" }, { "character": "Seth Mayers", "line": "It’s gonna be all right. For Weekend Update I’m Seth Meyers. That’s Baby Wawa. Good night." }, { "character": "Bill Hader", "line": "[still crying] Bye!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "After my clip blew up, I actually got a call from the double rainbow guy and the fat Star Wars kid. Turns out they have a support group. [pause] Not really my scene." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[on the phone] Years ago, the senator promised a left turn lane by the Arby’s. So I wanna know where in the name of horsey sauce is it? Well, yeah, you…hold on." }, { "character": "Dakota", "line": "Hi. I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year. It’s..it’s all over the place. I don’t know what it means." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That’s the reason Kevin got fired. It’s his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts. He used to call it a Keleven. He told Dwight, [imitating Kevin] “A mistake plus Keleven gets you home by seven.” He was home by 4:45 that day." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh, I live in Poland now. The Scranton of the E.U. Thank you for flying me out here for the weekend. I’m looking forward to the reunion panel tomorrow. Can’t wait to see everyone. Well, almost everyone." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hello! [laughing] Hello!" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi! [goes to hug Nellie]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh. [laughs nervously]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have you been stalking me?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, no, no. no. My plane just got in. From New York. Are you still with Piotr?" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "No. And I thought I unfriended you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Anyone can follow a Twitter feed. Wanna share a cab?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[alone in cab} After Dwight fired me, I moved to New York to write the great American novel. I have six roommates. Heh. Which are better than friends, you know ‘cause they have to give you one month’s notice before they leave." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey-OH!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You’re back?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Malcolm", "line": "[whispering to Phyllis] That’s Baby Wawa, right? Oh, my God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey man, good to see you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. Yeah," }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[hugging Andy]. Andy…" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy, I’ve been worried about you. How are you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A little warm." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Poor, poor Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[struggling] Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hello, hello." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Darryl!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, what’s up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Didn’t I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What? Must’ve been another devilishly handsome debonair individual." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, man. How are you doing? I, um…I didn’t call ‘cause I figured you changed the number." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No I didn’t change the number. All good though. Phone never rings." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Ooh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Surprise!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I thought you guys couldn’t come." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, but then they moved the panel to the same weekend and the Doc crew paid to fly us in. It was kismet." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kismet? Yeah, right. Pam and I came up with excuses for every other weekend. You remember my two lap band surgeries, right? Neither do I? “Guten Prank” number one." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You ready for tonight? We gonna tear up the town?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, better ask Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And Jim will say nothing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[enters] Darryl! Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey! Pam!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, Pam! How are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We’re fine. Yeah. [hugs both Darryl and Andy] And I’m sure that you guys are fine too. Because why wouldn’t you be?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Darryl, oh, my gosh. How is Austin? Tell me everything. How’s the merger? I feel like I read about Athlead all the time." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I love it. And it’s Athleap now. And the city is amazing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, it’s hot. The music is awesome. And the tacos are…for real." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! That sounds incredible. [checking cell phone]. Oh, guys. Limo’s here. Let’s do this. Change if you need to." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Whoo, whoo, whoo." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, you guys, have fun. You too, Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aw!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Woah-Oh! Haven’t been in one of these in forever." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a cliché. I’m a man. So I’m going to the bachelor party with the boys. I just have to remember how I acted before I came out." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "WASSUUUUP! [laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, why are we stopping? Jim, this isn’t on the itinerary." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Get out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim…wha… Come on! What…what are you gonna whack me, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, Dwight. You’ll be doing the whacking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A bazooka. You remembered." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Of course I did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[tearful laugh]. Get out of my way." } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "OH! [all laugh and applaud after Dwight fires the bazooka]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woo! Okay!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah! [to camera] Guten Prank number two." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Private Room." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, brosef." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Amazing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Enjoy, enjoy." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Hey, I know you. Are you gonna sit here and cry?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, man, easy." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "[fake cries]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, dude, leave him alone. What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim, it’s fine. He’ll just get you on his cell phone and then that’ll go viral." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That happens a lot?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I guess. But things are going well actually. I spoke at Cornell during commencement week. I mean, the seniors invited me as a joke but it was a huge success." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, I bet it was a smash." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That’s how I got my new job in the admissions office." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is that a volunteer program or…" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. It’s a job. Things are going great." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Let’s get a drink in you, huh?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Whoo-hoo. Let’s get this party started!" }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Where’s my angel." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is my big sister Rachel." }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "No, this is my big sister Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[laughs] We’re very close. We even have our own special language." } ], [ { "character": "Rachel", "line": "[speaks in a special language]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "People love it." }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "They do." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] Man, how long have we been sitting here?" }, { "character": "Stripper", "line": "Hi, boys!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Ohh…" }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Here we go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, Thank God. We are famished!" }, { "character": "Stripper", "line": "Hey, did somebody order the chef special?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Right there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, we haven’t ordered anything. No one’s even taken our drinks. Uh, what is the chef special? [music plays and stripper starts dancing on Dwight]" }, { "character": "Stripper", "line": "I bet you boys have a big appetite." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, we do. So we’ll have an onion loaf for the table, please. And tell us about your heartiest soups." }, { "character": "Stripper", "line": "Mm, I know what you want. I know exactly what you want." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, an onion loaf for the table but that’s not all. Now the chef special sounded good. What is it exactly?" }, { "character": "Stripper", "line": "Ohh, shh. [places finger over Dwight’s lips]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, what are you doing? Are you giving me a taste of the chef’s special? Tastes like cigarettes. That won’t work. That’s no good." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Whoo!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What? [knock at the door] Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, boy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Jakey", "line": "Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Angela’s special repairman is here." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Wait, what is this?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Shut up. Jakey?" }, { "character": "Jakey", "line": "Mom?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, wait. What?" }, { "character": "Jakey", "line": "Oh, man." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No, no, no, no. Just do your wok. Pretend mom’s not here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, that seems inappropriate." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Give the good show, my little entrepreneur." }, { "character": "Jakey", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Take it off. [music play]. Yeah! Good song choice, Jakey. Stripper’s only as good as his song." }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "oh, wowee wow." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Whoo-hoo…go, Meredith’s stripper son." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Rachel, are you all right?" }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "I don’t know! I don’t know." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh geeze. [Jakey starts dancing on Angela]. Oh, my God!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look. [pushes Jakey aside and starts dancing on Angela]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, if anything, this is rougher. Stop it Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Jakey resumes dancing] Uh, no. It’s o…thank you. You know what? You don’t have to…oh no, no, no. No, no, no. It’s okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now, for the last time, I’d like a side salad with balsamic." }, { "character": "Clark", "line": "Dwight, for the last time, she’s not a waitress." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’re telling me!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "If you want her to leave, just tip her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What for? We haven’t even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato? [to the dancing stripper] Do you have those? Those aren’t deep fried, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "That was interesting. [creaking sound] What was that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It’s just the wind." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Will you lock the door?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay. [opens door] It’s just the wind, see? Nothing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Alright, see, you don’t have to leave the door wide open. We get it. It’s the wind. Just come and shut…[Mose grabs Angela and takes her away] OH! My God!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[screams]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "What’s happening?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man, never thought I’d say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow. [phone rings]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, it’s the girls. Hey Pam. What? Angela’s been kidnapped! Phyllis left the door open and some freak came and grabbed her and fled." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good old Mose. [laughing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They think it was Mose." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, great. He’s getting into the spirit of the festivities. Fantastic. He just pulled off a Braut Entfuhrung." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks. Ah, all right! Oh Mose." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub you’d ever set foot in in this town?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right. Which one is that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm, hey driver. Why don’t you take us to 3030 Adams?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that Mose?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, it is! I am here for my bride!" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Well, first, buy us a drink." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "If you want your bride, buy us a drink! If you want your bride, buy us a drink." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender! [Kevin turns around] Oh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, well, well, well, well, well. That’s six “wells.” Did I get that number right, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I heard you bought a bar, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes. I did. This one. Now get out!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Mose] Why did you pick this place? [Mose points to Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, not a prank. I think it’s time for you to bury the hatchet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Waste of a good hatchet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, just talk." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, w…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I heard you say “well” the first time." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know Dwight misses Kevin. I saw him make his portrait out of a Wooly Willy. Tomorrow’s his wedding day. You can’t be anything but happy on your wedding day." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was nothing personal. It’s just that you were terrible at your job." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You’re just saying that to make me feel better." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No really. You were terrible at math and organization, time management, personal hygiene. Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw our your computer." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Is that all it was?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That’s it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Come here [hugs Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I missed you Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I missed you!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ohh." } ], [ { "character": "Mose", "line": "Guten Prank." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, Mose. Guten Prank number three." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You’ve had your drink. Now where is my bride?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mose! What..ooh, Mose. [Mose opens trunk]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What the [bleep] is your problem you [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]?!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. Hey, is Angela coming or…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. We can’t see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Stanley!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How’s Florida?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, great." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yes, I’m living in Florida now. Little town called Florida City, just on the edge of the everglades. The man who delivered my divorce papers came by fan boat which was kinda fun. I sit on my porch all day, carving birds." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Am I the only one that’s nervous? How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, I’m fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Doesn’t seem like anyone cares about us anyway." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I guess this was work being filmed nonstop for nine years." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’m sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in video] Just sit here and cry, just sit here and cry! Oh I can so just sit here and cry. You guys are really mean. It can’t end like this you know. Slept in my car last night, quit my job. Burned all my bridges. And I did unspeakable things – You’re just not good, you’re just not good. – Are you insane? – You’re just not good, you’re just not good. – Chill out! [crying] Just sit here and cry…" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[watching at his bar] People actually dance to this. It’s in my juke box. None of the money goes to Andy though." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[laughing] Yeah, people hate you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I’ll go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home. [walks down the hall]" } ], [ { "character": "Man", "line": "Hey! It’s Andy Bernard!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Nard Dog! [cheers and claps] Ree-De-De-De-Doo! [repeats]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ree-De-De-De-Doo!" } ], [ { "character": "Man 1", "line": "How did it feel to see your lives played out on tv?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It’s like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. It’s kinda disgusting. You learn a lot, but I didn’t wanna know any of it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "With today’s modern surveillance technology we are in a constant state of being watched weather it’s our government or the government of other countries a.k.a. Google. You guys are being filmed way more than we ever were." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Uh, no one recognizes me. But not all my friends call me Plop. So… thanks PBS." } ], [ { "character": "Woman 1", "line": "Uh, Jim, that DVD in the last episode was so romantic. And, um, I think we’d all love to know, Pam, what romantic thing did you do to pay Jim back for leaving Athlead?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I mean, How do you pay back someone for something like that? But, uh, I don’t know. I’m working on something." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She pays me back every day just by being my wife so that’s fine." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Awww." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "O-Kay." } ], [ { "character": "Woman 2", "line": "All I can say is, if I had Jim, he would have a free pass to do anything. I mean if I lucked into that… he could do anything. Anything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[pause] I’m sorry. Is there a question?" }, { "character": "Woman 2", "line": "Uh, no." } ], [ { "character": "Man 2", "line": "Pam, what was in that teapot letter?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, um, well, you know, I… I just… I just think I would rather keep that private. You know, if you’d been filmed for nine years of your life, there’d be some things that you just wanna keep to yourself." }, { "character": "Man 2", "line": "I hear ya. What did it say?" }, { "character": "Moderator", "line": "We’re gonna move on. Next question please." } ], [ { "character": "Man 3", "line": "Do you find that your life feels pointless now that nobody’s actually filming you anymore?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Woman 3", "line": "I wanna know how everyone felt they were portrayed. Was it accurate?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I got a beef with that. Um, for the first seven years, I was getting my PhD in School Psychology and they didn’t show it. Yes, I was getting hammered but, hey, it was college." } ], [ { "character": "Woman 4", "line": "I have a question for Jim and Pam. Everyone watching sees how much you love each other and how you’re soul mates. So, Pam, how could you doubt that when Jim moved to Philadelphia?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, you know what, I actually didn’t handle that move, uh, very gracefully. From not communicating to being a little selfish." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Listen, um… I was scared, you know? I loved what I had, and I didn’t want to risk it. And I think that maybe I did doubt him a little too. Which was wrong because he’s shown me time and again. But when the documentary started airing, people on the street told me that I had this fairy-tale romance. But there were a lot of times last year where it did not feel like a fairy tale. But then it got deeper, and it got stronger and now it’s better than a fairy tale. It’s like a long book that you never want to end. And you’re fine with that because you just never, ever wanna leave it." }, { "character": "Woman 4", "line": "Like Harry Potter." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, like Harry Potter." } ], [ { "character": "Joan", "line": "I have a question for Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Joan", "line": "Yes. Um, the thing I found most compelling about the documentary was your search for your birth mother." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Joan", "line": "So my question is, um, do… don’t you hate her? I mean, I would just imagine that you were so angry at her that you would hate her." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Maybe sometimes. But not like “hate” hate. More just like, “Mom, I hate you!” And then she would say “go to your room, young lady.” And I’d stamp my foot and run upstairs and I have a room, which is really cool. And then we’d just have dinner together. But I don’t know. I’d have to meet her. Thanks." }, { "character": "Joan", "line": "Erin…" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Joan", "line": "Um…Oh, Erin.." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes? Is there a follow-up question? [realizes] Mom? [they hug]" }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "Erin… Same question but about your dad? [they hug]" }, { "character": "Moderator", "line": "Well, this feels like a good place to stop. Let’s thank all of our wonderful panelists for being here on this wonderful panel today. [audience claps] Next week at the Scranton Cultural Center don’t forget, Irish Step Dancing semifinals. Winning team to Mid-Atlantic. [applause and scattering cheers]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Where’s the, uh, basket for gifts?" }, { "character": "Usher", "line": "Right there, sir." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dakota", "line": "Hi, I’m Dakota." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Jeff Bomondo. I sell ceramic tile out of Newark." }, { "character": "Dakota", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "My wife’s name is Kathryn. I can show you my social security card if it helps." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Uck, Look at all this mud. Can you imagine if I had worn my Jimmy Choos? I just saved you 600 bucks mister." }, { "character": "Ravi", "line": "Thanks for helping out, sweetie." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly, you’re here." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hey, Ryan!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Whose baby is this? Oh, are, like, a nanny now?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, this little guy is mine." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So I was dating this girl, and one day, she went out to get a new charger for her e-cigarette. Never came back. Oldest story in the book. [baby squeals]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Say “hi”, Drake." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Drake is your baby’s name?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That is an amazing name. I’m obsessed with Drake. His last album… it just touched me to pieces." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No Kelly, he’s no named after a hip-hop artist from 2011. It’s Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Cool. Well, he is so cute. Ravi, check out this cute baby. I’m obsessed with him. Ravi is a pediatrician and some of his patients are total uggos." }, { "character": "Ravi", "line": "They’re called premature, sweetie. It’s good to see you again Ryan." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Let me help you us." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thanks. [knees buckle] Oh. Ouch." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, boy. Maybe your heels are too high." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, my heels aren't too high. It’s because I spent three hours in a car trunk. Thanks for not locking the door when I asked you to, Phyllis. [sighs] Sorry Phyllis. You didn’t know. As long as I can get to the altar." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I’m gonna get you to that altar. You can take that to the bank." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You ready?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[chuckles] You kidding? I was born ready. [mimicking heavy metal guitars]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Um… I don’t know how to tell you this, but… we have a little bit of a problem." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no. What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The minister just told me that it’s tradition for the Bestish Mensch to be older than the groom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, come on. I’ve never heard of such a thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I haven’t heard of it, obviously. But I’m out because I am significantly younger than you-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not… significant is a big word…" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think it’s definitely… Well, okay. Either way…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think you’re only a teeny…" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Either way, Dwight… I can’t be there for you. I’m sorry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just…really wish there was something I could do. [looks off]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[turns around] [whispering] Michael. I can’t believe you came." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That’s what she said." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Best prank ever." } ], [ { "character": "Minister", "line": "As it is traditional to the Schrutes, the lovers are standing in their own graves as a reminder that this is the only escape from what they are about to do." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "[to Joan] See, I get what they are trying to do, but why are the graves so shallow?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[reading] “Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is passed. The rain is over and gone. The time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet and your face is comely. “" } ], [ { "character": "Minister", "line": "I now pronounce you man and wife. [everyone cheers] Release the doves! [doves do not move right away]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That’s not…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now, please take your hay bales to the reception. They’ll be used for seating. Complimentary hay hooks are placed alone the aisles. Just stab ‘em on in there." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everybody!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[dancing with Pam. They kiss] See, now you don’t owe me anything." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ravi? Ravi? Drake has a bit of a rash. And he’s hot." }, { "character": "Ravi", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I was wondering could you maybe examine him for a second?" }, { "character": "Ravi", "line": "Oh, yeah, you’re not feeling well little guy? Okay, sure. Should we go inside?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Actually, could you go inside? I’m feeling a little dehydrated. I could really use a little break, have some water." }, { "character": "Ravi", "line": "Are you sure you don’t wanna go in?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ravi, just do it. That baby is burning up. Isn’t this, like what you live for? Just go. Go." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you Ravi. Thank you so much. This is great for me and for Drake. Thank you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don’t know, Ryan. Baby Drake didn’t look so good." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He’ll be fine. I let me suck on a strawberry. He’s allergic but he’ll get over it fast. I had to talk to you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You gave your baby an allergic reaction just to talk to me? [they kiss]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael has so many pictures of his kids he had to get two phones with two numbers and he pays two bills." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[with Michael] Oh, my gosh, it’s choreographed!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He just so happy to have a family plan." } ], [ { "character": "Ed", "line": "Where’d you learn to dance like that?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don’t know. I’ve just always been really good at dancing." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[dancing with Pam] [sobbing]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it me? Is it Nellie?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[sobbing] It’s everything." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[dancing with Stanley] I missed you." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I missed you too." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Lots of people think that Stanley Hudson’s a mean old grump. [laughs] But [crying] would a grump make this? It’s me. It’s me." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I love you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[laughing] I love you too." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We’re gonna be together forever." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "We’re running off into the sunset." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I finally mastered commitment." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Oscar] What was that stuff?" }, { "character": "Ravi", "line": "Hey, has anyone seen Ryan… or Kelly?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh! Yes. Uh, They left together a little while ago. Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together." }, { "character": "Ravi", "line": "Oh, that’s it. Here. [hands Drake to Kevin] Call child services and report an abandoned baby. We’ll find a better parent than Ryan in no time." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I don’t know." }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Um, Kevin? Oh, I can help you with that. Yeah. I mean, I can find someone who will… who will love that beautiful little boy the way he deserves." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, this is better. [hands Drake to Nellie]" }, { "character": "Nellie", "line": "Yes. It is. Oh yes it is." } ], [ { "character": "Nellie", "line": "If Ryan wants his baby back, please tell him where to fine me. We’ll be somewhere in Europe. [looking at Drake] Won’t we?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[crying] I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you go much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good night." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Good luck." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Great. It was really fun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good evening." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "The Doc crew’s throwing a big after party in the warehouse tonight." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, I heard. It sounds kinda lame. [to camera] No offense. You going, Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, I don’t know. I might turn in early." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It’s only 6:00. Come on, everybody’s going." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You have to go, Toby." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah, come on, Tobes." }, { "character": "Val", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah. I’ll stop by." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "There he is!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I need to get out of this dress." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I gotta get out of this dress." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Oh, I’m sorry Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What’s going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] [whispering] Why are you still here?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "[whispering] I’m so sorry. They were an hour late." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, really, what’s going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, Okay. Um… so… this past year has been really great, and you’ve been great and I just… I know that you had to make this choice and you had to give something up for me. But I never want you to have to give up anything. I just thought if I could get us an offer then there wouldn’t be anything standing in our way and I could come to you with this big Jim gesture… and show you all at once just how much I love you and how much I really do believe in your future." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry, how long have you been showing the house?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "About 2 months" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That’s why it’s so clean." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, you were gonna do this without me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you… you bought the house without telling me, so I thought I could sell it without telling you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh… okay. Where would we go?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Austin? Maybe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I promise you, you don’t have to do this for me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I’m doing it for us." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The last…" }, { "character": "Buyer", "line": "Okay. We’ll take it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to the buyer] Hold on a second. [to Pam] The last few months have meant the world to me and all I care about…" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hold on a second. [turning] Wait, what did you just say?" }, { "character": "Buyer", "line": "We wanna buy your house." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You wanna do this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I wanna do this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You really want to do this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I really want to do this!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hugging Pam] [laughing] Oh my God!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Darryl. [whispers in his ear]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What? All right!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We’re so excited." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "Oh, that’s for PBS executives only." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I think your ideas are fantastic, Oscar. I’d love to contribute to your campaign." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you David." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, could I please have your attention? So a year ago, I got my first art commission to paint a mural for Dunder Mifflin and I decided to paint the history of paper…,which was just some trees and stuff. And then someone spray painted a bunch of butts on it and I had to start from the beginning. But it all worked out for the best because I think that I’ve painted the perfect thing which is the history of us. All of us. And this is for you Jim. [applause] And go ahead! [drape drops and everyone cheers]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Everyone, Let’s take our picture in front of the mural. Oh, um, I just…I kind of meant just everybody from the office." } ], [ { "character": "Photographer", "line": "[taking pictures] Very nice. Just a couple dozen more. Smiles, everybody, smiles. All right, that’s great. I got enough. Thank you, everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering to Pam] Let’s go outside" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Okay, I need a drink." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, we all need a drink. [opening Meredith’s drawer] What the…there’s only dandelion tea and raisins in here." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, bottom drawer." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, This is Pam. Oh, I’m sorry. Jim Halpert doesn’t work here anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I didn’t watch the whole documentary. After a few episodes, it was too painful. I kept wanting to scream at Pam. It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been. Jim was 5 feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. It’d be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that I’m a tragic person. I’m really happy now. But…it would just…just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself “be strong, trust yourself, love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isn’t that long.”" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, it’s that if you film anybody long enough, they’re going to do something stupid. It’s only human natural." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What about the honeymoon?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, the honeymoon can wait till tomorrow. We wanted to hang out with you guys. I mean, when are we all going to be here together again?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aww, J, P and D. The Three Amigos. Ah, it warms my heart. Hey, what do you say, when I get back from out honeymoon, the three of us have a conference room meeting just for fun? [pause] What is that meaningful look?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Maybe we should talk." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, come here. You guys need to see this." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on the computer] You’re probably sitting there wondering what will be your mark. What will you be known for? It might surprise you to learn..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I finally feel ready. Athlead is growing…" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Athleap." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat. We’ll come back to visit. But I think it’s time for us to officially…" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, don’t say it. You’re fired! You’re both fired!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, come on. Don’t end on a bad note." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don’t be an idiot. It’s for the severance. The best I can do one month for every year you’ve been here. That’s the max." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, and if you’re ever in Austin..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woah. Right. For what, the art? The music? The incredible nightlife? No thank you. But if you’re ever in the area, you’ll always have a place to stay…in my barn." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There it is." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don’t have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So… have I gotten along with my subordinates? Let’s see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So…yes. I’d say I have gotten along with my subordinates." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on computer] You might feel sorry for me but I actually feel sorry for you. Because you’re about to leave Cornell. So say it with me: [all]: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, Yes!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You did good. Real good." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks Dad…Darryl." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals, my college a cappella group. The weird thing is now, I’m exactly where I wanna be. I got my dream job at Cornell and I’m still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they’re the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. [pause] Someone should write a song about that." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You take something ordinary, like a piece of paper. It’s not much. But if you see it in the right way…And that’s what you did with this documentary. But seriously, you made a nine-year documentary and you couldn’t once show me doing my origami." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[walking out of the bathroom discovered by all] Uh..ohh!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[playing guitar and singing] I saw a friend today. It had been a while. And we forgot each others names. But it didn’t matter. ‘Cause deep inside the feeling still remained the same…" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Imagine going back and watching a tape of your life. You could see yourself change and make mistakes…and grow up. You could watch yourself fall in love, watch yourself become a husband, become a father. You guys gave that to me. And that’s…an amazing gift." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, Jim, remember flonkerton when you did Office Olympics? It was awesome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks Phyl." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I still have my medal from that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you even have a mattress?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No, but I still have my medal from that." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oscar. Oscar. [crying] I think I’m gay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why do you say that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[sniffles] It’s just that I’m so emotional." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, but you’re not gay. You’re not gay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, but maybe the reason…" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You’re not gay." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[still playing and singing] And all the faces that I know have that same familiar glow. I think I must have known them somewhere once before." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "How did you do it? How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt and how made each other laugh and how we got through the day? How did you do it? Also, how do cameras work?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But…[chuckles] no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. [standing with two cops] Let’s do this." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks they’re the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. You’re not alone sister. Let’s get a beer sometime." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I’m happy that this was all filmed so I can remember everyone and what we did. I worked for a paper company all these years and I never wrote anything down." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I sold paper at this company for 12 years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn’t love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid…wonderful…boring…amazing job." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all…I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?" } ] ]

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