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How often do you guys pull all nights? I don’t usually try to pull one intentionally but every once in a while I have that sleepless insomnia night unfortunately. | teenagers |
i'm slowly giving up. I try to talk to friends but they are slowly getting over my negativity so I'm going to turn to a bunch of strangers to see Thor POV.
it's kind of long but here goes:
I'm not happy in life whatsoever. I'm dumb for it though. bc I'm not starving, I have a roof, and I'm kinda healthy. but I still feel like crap and so unappreciative.
graduating college has been such a big step for me. one- bc I've been scared of the real world and the inconsistency of it and two- bc idk what's going to happen. I fear for the future bc I don't know what's there. going to school, I KNEW what was going to happen. I was used to going to school and doing homework and homework. but after graduation, I was like 'now what.' I didn't know what was going to happen and that scares the living shit out of me. I hate not knowing and the unknown.
I've been applying to jobs since may. everyone said to start applying by January but I felt that the employer wouldn't look at my app because I haven't graduated yet. but anyways, I fucked up on that part. so I've been applying like crazy to jobs and I see everyone getting a job somewhere and already working. and I'm stuck at my part time job. I am loathing that job bc I don't wanna get stuck there like some of my co workers. I've always been motivated and career driven. I went to this interview for Production assistant for a tv show which woulda been perfect but I didn't get hired and I don't know why. I wish I did bc I woulda been working already and everyone at my school wouldn't see me as a failure. i didn't get that fuckin job and no one understands how much I'm so mad about it. my friends say that's it not a big deal and there will be others but that job could've started it for me. and my major isnt a easy one. so at least getting an interview is a step in...not getting the job is a different story. to get an interview as a PA ia a BIG thing in one's career. there aren't ever that many PA open positions bc usually they hire interns. idk what I did that fucked up that interview. I told them I was ready for a heavy workload job like that and they like my answers. i'm just so mad about it and I'm so mad at myself. I feel like a failure.
i know im stupid for saying this but i want to start working and paying my debt and being on my own and comfortable. I don't wanna struggle with a gay ass part time job at the age of 25 with a college degree. I want to help my parents out with their bills bc I hate seeing them struggle and it gets me so mad that at one point, we were doing OK and now, we're living paycheck to paycheck with so much debt. I don't wanna grow up & have my kids, and have them deal with it. I know my parents have tried their best giving my sister and I everything in the world and I'm VERY thankful for that. and I would like to do that for my kids. I don't want to struggle or see my kids struggle.
I feel like I'm at a standstill. and I'm so depressed from it. I'm going to be 25, I'm completely single and I have debt up my ass with no good job. I have a fear of turning 25 because I'm so unhappy. beyond unhappy. and I feel so alone. my last boyfriend was 6 years ago in HS. I still am single. single as single can be. like no baggage, no potential, no texting someone, no nothing. and this emptiness and loneliness sucks. last time i had a something was last summer and that lasted 3 months. i havent had love in a very very long time and that can seriously ruin someones ego. i feel like I'm not gonna meet anyone bc all I do is go to the gym, work at my PT job, chill with my friends, and stay home. there is no way I can meet someone. and I don't like meeting people at bars or dating sites. I'm a very pretty girl, I know this. I'm losing weight, have an average body and I have personality. but idk why I'm so single. my friends are already engaged and stuff. it sucks bc, come the weekend, my friends wanna stay home but I want to go out bc I've been deprived from society.
I know everyone says that good things comes to those who wait but I mean COME ON!!
waiting 6 years for a new boyfriend is a long long time. and waiting so long for a job is lame. [i know the job market sucks right now but i think since i'm so career driven, thats whats putting me down] obviously something is wrong with me. something HAS to be wrong with me if I fail at love and work.
I seriously have nothing to look forward to. at all. my 25 fuckin birthday is coming up and I'm terrified. fuckin terrified bc 25 is a quarter of my life. that's a long time. and there is no way that I'm happy. its going to be the worst day ever. I always saw my future as a happy one and being successfull. but I'm not. at all. and I don't think it's gonna change bc if it hasn't changed in the past 6 years which was the LAST time I was completely happy, it's not going to change. I tried to be positive and that didn't even work for me.
I don't wanna be old and have a lot of regrets. I want to look back and be like 'I lived an awesome successful ass life'. I try soooooooo hard to be happy but i have nothing to look forward to anymore. absolutely nothing. i don't have a reason to be living because honestly, living THIS LIFE LIKE this EVERYDAY, is pointless. I rather be dead and buried in my grave then live like this for another 6 years.
TLTR: crazy career driven girl, just graduated college, unemployed, feel like my life is going nowhere, im alone, and getting older and I want to give up. don't know what to do anymore. | depression |
Undiagnosed illness leading me to consider suicide.I've been suffering for about 10yrs and it has just kept getting worse. I stopped doing everything bad for my health. I started exercising more, being on a strict diet, completely avoiding anything in my life causing me too much stress. To the point where I am now all by myself and rarely go out as I cannot keep up with everyone else. I am scared to go into stores because of my condition. I vomit a lot. I faint a lot. I always feel sick. It's not even enjoyable for me so I only leave my apt if I really need something or to attend my job. I've been to about 5 doctors in the past 10yrs because it takes a lot of energy out of me and they all tell me I shouldn't worry it's all in my head. So I get a boost of confidence and think I'm ok I just need to relax more. I start living life again as a normal person would, not even stressed out about much but suddenly during what should be a good time- I feel dizzy, I can't stand up right, I feel like I'm dying... and I fall over and just embarrass myself.
I am now very skeptical of what doctors say and losing trust in the medical system more and more. Since I do not have any on paper conditions (they've caught my symptoms on record but said some people are different and I should just lay down when it happens) ... everyone thinks I'm just bullshitting. Only the ones closest to me know better because I've always been a fighter and hate being seen as weak.
I've been homeless before over this. I feel like a burden on those that worry about me. I feel like shit all the time, I can barely stand up anymore without feeling like the ground is moving. being asleep is the only good experience in my life and that's hard enough to obtain from trying to take care of myself with a job.
I'm so exhausted in every way possible. | SuicideWatch |
I feel so worthlessI want to ask for help and reach out but I don’t want to cause other people pain or make their lives harder. I feel like I’m not worth the hassle anyone would have to go through. I wish someone else could have my life because I have loving parents with steady jobs, but I’m so worthless and a waste of time. I always do things for other people, even if they’re asking a lot of me, because I don’t value myself at all. I just want someone to help me, but I don’t want to cost my parents time or money because I’m sick. I just want to die so I can stop messing up other people’s lives. I wish no one loved me so I could just disappear without hurting anyone. I know the way I’m feeling is messed up, but I can’t get myself to do anything about it. How do I break the cycle of feeling like this | SuicideWatch |
Can anyone talk? This isn't exactly depression-related, but I feel an overwhelming amount of sympathy for someone and it's really screwing with me. I feel *so* sorry for a particular person who was the victim of frequent sexual assaults who's 2-year-old forum post i read, it's almost overwhelming. They've updated the post and said that they have the support and justice they need and I have no idea who they are/were, but for some reason I still cannot get over how sympathetic I feel. It's screwing with me kind of, I've felt sad all day. | depression |
I am considering suicide even when I am calm now.It just seems like the best alternative. I think of all the options I have, I think of all the possible outcomes. The good ones, the bad ones. And I feel like the best course of action I have is to kill myself.
I have been suicidal since forever but I've always tried to wait few days until I calm down and think clearly and then I'd think "damn I am glad I didn't do it"
But now I am calm, and I just think there's nothing negative about it. There's just positives.
The only thing that keeps me from doing so is that there's one person I love. | SuicideWatch |
Where are U/MegaThiccc and U/MegaThicccc? I haven’t seen them in a while need to know how they are doing. | teenagers |
Does temporary depression exist?Often, I'll notice that I'll have days where I'm really depressed. Not sad but actually depressed. I know the difference because I was severely depressed for 2 years of my life and things got better.
I'm now in college and I'll have some days where I'll cry myself to sleep. Those suicidal thoughts I had when I was depressed a few years ago come back. Then gradually things get better and I feel awesome. When I was depressed a few years ago, I never felt happiness during those 2 years. I was literally miserable every second of every day and the fact that I had not killed myself is incredible in my opinion. Now, I experience that sadness but only for a short time. Is this normal? Thanks | depression |
I need your loveMy ex finally announced her relationship with her new boyfriend. I am really down right now. Somebody please tell me you love me. | depression |
No joy?I should probably start by saying, I don't think I'm actually depressed. As I'm pretty tired, I'll try and whittle off my stuff, but my actual question for you guys is: do any of you find that you are perhaps not necessarily 'sad', but rather, try as you might, you can't find any happiness, any passion, any enthusiasm in your life? For the past 3 or so years, I've felt progressively isolated and distant. I don't think I'm getting sadder, I think I'm just becoming more aware of my entire lack of happiness.
Anyways, stuff about me:
- 20y, male, 2nd year law student
- I'm a fairly amicable kind of guy, so I've got lots of 'friends', but I don't really have any actual friends. The only few people who I was ever really close to have all moved away for uni (this was almost two years ago). I've tried getting to know people and whatnot, but really, there is no-one that I am able talk to and feel comfortable to just randomly hang with. I know that this is probably not a permanent thing, but nonetheless it's not the coolest feeling in the world in the meantime.
- My parents are probably going to get divorced. I've no idea when. They're both quite good people, though my mum has a lot of emotional issues, which she's passed on to my little brother. She has often threatened to leave. And this isn't a recent thing; my mum's been 'fragile' ever since I was a child, and my parents really haven't been happy together it seems for at least a decade. (Btw: holy shit it feels *weird* writing this, I've never told anyone before). I have commitment and conventional marriage and whatnot hardwired into me, so it really tears me apart inside to see what has happened. Both of these past two things have led me to try and think that needing people is weak.
- My brother truly despises me. I've not done anything bad, he just assumes that I dislike him, and therefore counters by hating me. Anything I try to do he shouts/dismisses/ignores (and by ignore, I mean, he'll literally run out of the room to avoid listening to me). Kinda sucks.
- I rewatch a LOT of tv (mainly sitcoms like scrubs and community) and other non-productive mindless stuff like that. I do enjoy those shows, but I watch it to drown out reality and the general lack of happiness more than anything. They're like convenient, 20 minute-long pain pills, and I've an endless prescription. I waste so much time on it too, but the temptation of switching off from reality "just for 20 minutes" is really strong.
- lolgirlslol Classic awkward, shy guy who can never think of anything to say ever. And, although I'm relatively fit and whatnot (I play football and futsal) I'm also really not that good looking (as in, tbh, fairly ugly).
- I've tried getting involved in stuff at uni, but either a) I'm so disorganised I can't manage my work properly and therefore can't commit to social things, b) have NOTHING to say to the people I do meet c) Haven't found anything I'm truly, or even decently, passionate about.
- I am perpetually tired. Even after weeks of giving my body the chance to get good sleep, I'm still tired. I wake up ready for a nap, and feel that way the entire day, every day.
Tl;dr Do you find that you're not necessarily sad, but you just can't find anything that brings you joy in your life?
*Edit: writing | depression |
HomesickI feel homesick for somewhere I've never been. I feel lonely in groups of people. I feel like I speak a different emotional language than any other human being I'm around. I've lost five friends in the past month and a half, four to suicide and one to an unlucky accident. The worst part of it? I'm not sad. I'm not sad for them. I'm not sad for me. I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they managed to escape the circumstances that I know tortured and dug into their souls for years.
I've had depression for 13 years if my count is even one to trust anymore. A brain that I feel has betrayed me is not a friend and I frequently have trouble recalling specifics. I have an excellent support system, great friends, family, job and general health. I can't escape the thought that it's the end of my journey in spite of all the truly great people accompanying me. Does anyone else just ever feel they've had their fill? Trouble viewing a future with yourself because you know any moment could be the moment you give the world an Irish goodbye? As if living isn't your natural state of being. It would be easier if everyone just viewed you as the visitor that you've felt like for a decade. Onto the next adventure.
Typically these feelings are always present but easy to suppress. As of late I've become much more somber as though it's genuinely just my time to board the train back to reality from whatever vacation life would be. I want to go back to the hospital but I can't afford it. I want to stay for those who care for me but it feels like time to go. I want to get better for everyone but I don't want any more medicine or therapy. I'm not sure what I need but I needed to get some stuff out and I can't talk to anyone I know anymore.
I'm going to visit a while longer. I truly hope if anyone reads this they are having the time of their lives.
| depression |
Does this happen to anyone else? Whenever I lay on the back of head for a long time or put too much pressure on it for too long then I get a tingling or hot sensation. It also feels kind of tight sometimes. Should I be worried about this? It’s been happening for years. | teenagers |
Someone send Feet pics? Anyone? Feet pics? Thou shall send the pictures of thou feet for reward | teenagers |
I love my life too much to see it ruinedCall me Martin.
I'm not depressed and don't suffer from any illnesses.
My life has always been beautiful. And so it is now. I've grown up in a wonderful and loving family. I've traveled across the world by planes, ships, trains, cars, buses and even hitchhiking. Made great friends and met beautiful girls. I've experienced such things that some are unaware of. I've been through my share of troubles too and it was fun to get over those. I've learned three different professions and love all of them. Now I have a girlfriend that I love, a job that I enjoy and everything a man would ever want.
Why am I writing this now? It's a good question. I have thought about suicide a lot. And for me it was never solution for a problem. It always felt as if you were running away from something you can't deal with. Cowardly. But I've also thought about me, my life and my future. Chances are that I'm now at the top of my life and I've reached the peak. From here it will be just going down. And I don't want it.
I want to leave this world in my prime and not end up as some bitter man who had it all and is left with nothing but memories of good old days.
I want to end my life. | SuicideWatch |
I'm eating cookies for breakfast at 11:30Am! What?! Get on my level Son!I feel good doing this. | depression |
I tried, I really didI really did try my hardest. I tried to make friends, tried to form relationships, and tried to be more open. I’m a 19 year old in college but all I do is lay in my bed and cry whenever I’m not doing school work. My birthday is this December but I don’t plan on being alive to see it. | SuicideWatch |
Everyone I'm close to wants to die, tooEveryone I'm truly close to is just as suicidal as me
And its hell. Because if I want to die every second of every day, they do too. And that's terrifying.
The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I love these people too much to leave them. And I'm sure they have no qualms leaving me to do this alone. The person I care about the most probably doesnt even want to be around me, so he wouldn't care if I would spiral without him.
I just want to be there for them like they are for me. I want them to stay with me and idk how to do that.
I can do my best to support them but in the end how far does that get me? I havent been able to be "there" enough to stop attempts in the past so what's different know? Nothing.
I feel so useless. I feel like they dont come to me when they need someone and I just want them to do that, because unlike most people it doesnt bring me down when they do. It makes me happy to know they trust me and they dont want to suffer alone. Some of them have therapists, yeah, but the ones I care about the most (theres 2) dont. And they're the worst off.
I'm scared every day, especially when they repress their feelings or hold it all in. Because doing that is what brought me to my low point.
I'm just lost, I guess. If I lose any of them I dont know if I'll have the motivation to keep going either. | SuicideWatch |
Hi uhhhh lol I need a weird favour I need a link to the android playstore | teenagers |
Can anyone with experience with anti-depressants give me advice?So I'm hella depressed. Always have been. Tomorrow I get prescribed anti-depressants. I am afraid of things like weight gain, and stuff. I know that sounds petty but I have a lot of body dysphoria sometimes. My friend told me they can be addicting, and its a narcotic. I wouldn't define them as a narcotic but im kinda scared of this whole ordeal. | depression |
What if this is as good as it gets?I just finished college, and now...honestly, I didn't even think i'd live this long and I still have to find a career, but all I've been doing, is sleeping...avoiding people, and my responsibilities...I don't even know what they are anymore.
I've been fighting depression since I was 10.
I have nothing really I'm looking forward to right now.
I loved writing lots of poetry everyday, now I'm lucky if it's one every two weeks.
I don't feel like it will get better.
I'm tired. | depression |
btw ur rly cute im fucked but ur cute | teenagers |
Do wholesome pornstars exist? Asking the real questions here.
FillerFillerFiller FillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFiller | teenagers |
How my sk8 sesh ended up with me and my friend on a boat with girl We were skating (we suck tho) at a new spot we were trying out, it is basically a wooden deck public view point on the edge of a cliff. Then this qt3.14 comes walking along, just having a look at the scenery, so we stop skating (its loud and disruptive to ppl checking the view we dont wanna get reported and told to go away) and she comes towards our part of the view point. Then she stops and says; "Do I know you?" (In a concerned way) I was quite surprised cos ain't no qt1.14 like her know me, and I was expecting an awkward hello as she walked by. Anyway we establish idk her and nor she me, she kind of knows my friend and she gives him a hug then asks to chill with us for a bit. We chat a bit about parties, where we stay, we all share a zol and we vibing with the music playing. We then decide it's time to go and ask her where she is headed, she says her house just down the way and she gotta do an hour of driving her boat as she is trying to get her skippers licence! We offer to walk her there and on the way she offers if we wanna come along on the boat, ofc we do. We go boating and afterwards she is going to her friends house and turns out to close to mine so she offers to drop us off on the way. We take her up on the offer and get a lift all the way home. Ye that sounded more interesting in my head, I sensierly apologise if u read this far lmao. | teenagers |
RelapseI need some sleep. My happy pills were making me functional, and now I feel the way I did before I became medicated. No motivation, fatigued. I'm not going to be able to keep up with all my plans if this continues. Hopefully it's just today, and I'll be normal when I wake. | depression |
I'm just so tired and lonely. My self esteem is so low.All I seem to do lately is wish that it was all over. Being so consumed by these thoughts is so discouraging.
And of course there's this tiny part of me that looks for the positive subconsciously. Really it's just suspended disbelief that maybe things will get better. But nothing good has happened to me in a very long time.
I hate getting my hopes up watching life and people pass me by. I don't have much support.
It feels like I'm so far gone that I'll never pull out of this or be able to relate to normal functioning people.
And I can't blame anyone for not wanting to interact with me given the state I'm in. I'm a mess and I'm so lonely, which obviously isn't very attractive.
I've tried to pull out of it. No one is going to save me. No one is going to give me a lifeline to help me save myself.
All I'm left with is this terrible depression. Wishing it was over and just waiting for the next shitty thing to happen.. | SuicideWatch |
I just want to DIE right nowI'm so sad. I'm sorry guys, I can't do this anymore.
Bad breakup, my mom dying, having no job because depression and anxiety gets in the way.
I'm so dead inside, these emotions are so confusing and are furies in my head. | depression |
Suffocated the last meaningful relationship I had. I'm toxic and alone and ready to hang myself.I've been struggling with depression most of my life, the past couple of months I relapsed into suicidal thoughts.
My only reprieve was feeling I could confide in a particular person who had seemed so understanding before. I told him that I'd lost all my friends because they couldn't deal with it anymore. I ended up having a meltdown at work, and freaked him out by talking about how I felt useless and toxic. That I was sorry I'm like this and sorry he had to know me. He ended up needing some space because it was full on.
The weekend came and I felt so broken. I couldn't stop crying. I self harmed to try and find some distraction. And I turned to him because I had no one left. His response was 'I'm in bed. can you not', I made great mistake of continuing. And he blocked me. Told me I was freaking him out. 'seriously stop. I can't be your cry for help' and blocked me on everything possible.
Being the fuck up I am... After a few days I tried calling from another phone. He picked up. Told me he was always going to unblock me, that he just didn't want me to freak out, that he'd give me another shot... That he'd unblock me later that night because he was just in the middle of something. I was an idiot to think he would...
Now I'm just humiliated. Ashamed. Feeling more pathetic than I've ever felt before. The first time I opened up and trusted someone, told them everyone else thought I was too much... And I ruined it by being just that.
I feel sick thinking about going to sleep and waking up to tomorrow. I've felt that for a year before and I can't keep doing it. And I feel even more pitiful that I can only write about it here because no one wants to hear it from me. | SuicideWatch |
What do I do? There is this girl that I like but I don’t know if she likes me. Every time I look at her I get rushed with so many different feelings and I just don’t know what to do. I’m just so confused. Any suggestions on what I should do? | teenagers |
Final Words Before I End My LifeIt's not even think.....no.....I KNOW i'm ugly. I wish that people would accept me for who I am on the inside, I'm spent so much time and effort cultivating intelligence, I walk through life with a kind, open, and gentleman like personality. But alas at every instance I am overlooked due to my physical appearance. And it is through the years that I have realized and come to terms with the fact that people do not care about inner beauty, it is not important and means absolutely nothing in all facets of life. All that matters to every single person is outer beauty, eye candy to stare at. Being smart, having a great personality is trivial in nature, all that matters is what you look like. As such I've come to terms with the fact that I'll be alone forever. And no amount of surgery could make me even remotely attractive - not even average for that matter. The only thing I have going for me in the future will be monetary wealth (which I also doubt as who would hire someone as disgusting and repulsive as myself?!). I don't even want to be remotely wealthy because then I KNOW that people will approach me with some god awful facade of love trying to get money off of me, only interested in me for monetary reasons. The only reason someone would say they liked or loved me would be to get money off of me, because people don't care about who a person is on the inside, and plus the fact that I'm the most aesthetically unappealing to person to walk this earth. You know what, redact that previous statement.......I am so ugly, so monstrous, so vile and disgusting, that I could be a quadrillionaire one day and not a single person would approach because that is how simply vile and disgusting I am on the outside, that for no amount of wealth (which I despise in the first place) and for no amount of personal and intellectual qualities (all that I have) would a person want to be with me or be within a 5 mile radius of me for that matter........
I've already given up, I'm done. I'd rather not live in a world as shallow as this one. I've walked through life with the idea that I give and contribute without expecting anything in return. I still live by that creed, but I refuse to accept a society that looks down on me, frowns on me, looks upon me with indifference and disdain because I'm not good looking, because I'm unappealing. If people only care about external beauty, if not a single person on this earth cares about inner beauty then fine. I will not continue being a part of this society. I had big aspirations such as being a pediatric surgeon, and I even saw a political future for myself running for office. I have so many ideas to change and better the field of medicine, so many ideas to put to use in politics, but none of that matters because I lack the only thing that matters to everyone. I have always been ugly since the day I was born, I will be ugly until the day I die (which will hopefully be very soon). I need to erase myself from society, to remove the error that is myself. Not that it matters because I won't be missed, in fact it'll be quite the opposite as no one will have to worry about seeing my disgusting face, my vile body ever again. I'm happy to be leaving this world and everyone around me will be happy about it also.
My intelligence will finally have some use - ending my life will be quite the swift and simple task, I could and will easily do it. | SuicideWatch |
Dropping out of lifeI'm fucking everything up because I can't get the idea out of my head that I'm going to die and I can't actually do it fuck am i saying here | SuicideWatch |
So if thc is a downer and nicotine a stimulant than Russian cigarettes are just their version of Four Loco. Change my mind. | teenagers |
I can't overcome the feeling of worthlessnessHas anyone done it?
I constantly try to improve myself and remain confident, but at the end of the day it all feels shallow. I still feel like I am significantly worse than everyone. | depression |
Keep thinking about suicide and talking to myself about itI went through a crazy breakup with a love of my life. She is with another man now. We have business together and I cannot leave business (will ruin my family - parents etc.) but staying in it with her is a torture. I constantly talk to myself about suicide and think how I could impulsively shoot myself if i had a gun.
I don't know who to talk to. Her? My family (they will never see this coming ever). | SuicideWatch |
I want to ask this to every non American here When you type in football does it show this emoji⚽️ or this emoji🏈 in the auto correct bar thing | teenagers |
Why does everything have to be complicatedI know this year has been really rough for both of us and we haven't been on the best of terms for the most of it, until now. Which I'm very glad about. I don't know what I'd do without you. I feel miserable sometimes with you, so much worse without you, but still miserable with you. I know I've told you I like you more than in a platonic way, I know we tell each other we love each other every now and then but I don't think you understand to what extent I love you because I'm not someone who really gets caught up in their feelings. You're the only thing in the world that can make me sad, I don't care of anyone else is opinions besides yours, if I disappoint you it really resonates within me, I can't let it go till you really say it's fine. Whenever you're sad about something it makes me genuinely sad. This fucking sucks because you're usually getting sad over guys that fuck you over. It complicates things a bit because I want to be there for you, I'm your best friend, I'll never deny you my company but when I know that boy brings you more joy than I do, more than I can ever do and you'd be happier with him than me, even if it's a momentarily feeling and you'll still comeback to me because we're going to be friends for a very long time. I don't like it, I can't put it into words but it just gives me excruciating pain knowing you're sad over someone else who had a chance, and I didn't get one. Knowing for sure that'll never be me, i'll never have a chance. I simultaneously fucking hate you. I hate that you make me feel like I'm a piece of shit friend when I know you've lied to me just as much as I've lied to you. I hate that. I hate when I think back and know how much shit you've been put through, knowing that you don't have alot of friends like myself who are so close to your heart, I hate it because I can never leave you even if I want a bit of time to myself. You'll be upset with me and I'll start missing you and feeling really bad. I hate that you don't care for me to the extent I care for you. I hate you'll never love me the way I love you. Sometimes I get glimpses of it, of you being really cute and loving, just a little bit and it kind of gives me hope that you'll hopefully one day change your mind. I just know it's never going to happen and I don't know why, I don't know why you can't ever see me more than in a platonic way. I don't know what I've really done. I know I'm not happy by myself right now and I need you. I selfishly wish I had other close female friends, just how you have other close male friends, I feel like that's a really big issue. You don't realize that I'd do anything for you. I want someone else as close to the level of your close male friends, I want to seem and feel normal. I also know that those male friends aren't anywhere near as close as I am. I just wish you'd tell me that. You know I need it. You know how I want to be treated too when I'm sad. I want you to be all cute and tell me you love me and tell me you love me and give me a hug. But you've never done that for me. I know you act like you want distance when you're sad but you always come to me for comfort. You act like you don't but you always come to me. Why can't you take care of me like I take care of you. I know I'm not crazy and I know I'm not always in the wrong or that I'm incredibly sensitive like you say. I feel like you just haven't cared for me as much as I care for you. It really hurts me. You really hurt me and I've told you how much you hurt me but you really don't care and that hurts more. Every time we talk now I kind of get nervous, I don't know how to entertain you to keep talking to me. I wish you loved me as much as I loved you, I know you've said you really do and you always will and we're going to be together for a really long time I just know it, because we've already been through so much together. I just wish it didn't have to be this complicated. I miss our long talks, I miss when it was just I, your only best friend. It's not like I want all the other male close friends out of your life and I want you to have none. I just want you to prioritize me a bit. I don't think that's really hard is it. Or too much to ask for. I love you.
Sorry for writing it like I was writing to her, my best friend. It just felt easiest that way. I'm also in a very hard situation. My best friend and I have this kind of rule that's really key to both of us. We don't share our personal problems/gossip/things about each other, with anyone else because it's OURS. I kind of broke that rule because I thought we were honestly over, I thought we weren't going to be friends again. She already finds it hard to trust me, the reasoning behind it which I find bullshit (She kept being annoying and said "wow you actually like me" in a sarcastic way and I just went full throttle and told her I really actually did, then I said it was just an elaborate joke to get back at her which she got really upset about because I shouldn't joke about those things but then I said it was true because I really feel that way and I find it hard to talk about because I know things would get weird. Then I was just indecisive if I liked her or not because I've seen her in such a platonic way I couldn't date her) THAT is her reasoning. Anyway I feel really bad still about telling another friend about her and I straight up lied to her and said I haven't told anyone anything. | depression |
We need a way to differentiate between read (reed) and read (red) Because writing read(red) looks wrong and I always read it as read(reed) | teenagers |
No nut November starts tomorrow Just a heads up for everyone after the 31st shit gets real. | teenagers |
Worried about not dying?I’ve always thought that suicide was my way to go, that was what I was meant to do because it just seemed right to me. And I still do. But I entertained the idea of me staying alive past my plans and waiting for a natural death and just the thought of living with myself, with my scars and continuing here made me feel so sick and caused me to have a bad panic attack,, so that was fun | SuicideWatch |
Is it me or are goth girls 🤤🤤 Like goth girls are what give me my life fuel | teenagers |
After a year or two clean of suicidal ideation, it's back.I'm low. I'm really really low.
I want nothing more than to spew everything on a sheet of paper that will put some sort of linearity to my thoughts but I can't. I gave up sleeping and got up tonight at 4:30 A.M. in the hopes that writing would help, and this subreddit is a nice outlet for saying things you can't tell anyone but that you can't keep in your head. But I can't even think of what to say.
I'm in a relationship with someone I love. Her family loves me. They really, really love me. I feel like I have a place, like I'm a puzzle piece that fits snug into their family unit. I love her. But I feel like she's emotionally unavailable for the most part. I know she cares but I've had a really rough time with depression this summer, as she knows, and not once has she asked me this entire summer "how was your depression today?" Although that's not really fair I guess because she'll ask me how I am and the best answer I can think of is "okay" because I've lost the ability to tell people how I am. Also you know what she \*has\* asked me a few times how I've been doing depression-wise. So she does care, but... I don't know? Maybe I'm just being clingy. Maybe I'm the emotionally unavailable one, or maybe I'm just being a narcissist and I expect her life to revolve around my mental wellbeing. I don't know.
I can't stop second guessing myself with every interaction I have. I'm so terrified of saying something to anyone that will hurt them and I don't know how to verbalize my emotions anymore. I was a pretty emotionally volatile teenager and I dragged someone down once because of it and now I feel like I beat that part out of me \*too much\*. In fact, I encountered that person again (sort of) recently and opened up to them a few times, but I feel like every time I said anything they just assumed the worst of me and threw it in my face and I can't get their words out of my head. It was like they knew exactly which insecurities to hit and exactly which buttons to push. I can't get their words out of my head. I can't get their fucking words out of my head. I don't know why they were so mean so often. They acted like they wanted to hear what I had to say and then they sank a pin into my tongue every time it came from my mouth. I'm kind of angry at them for it, I guess, but then I also feel like I deserved it. I don't know. I hurt them so much a long time ago (and it looks like I did it again) then changed everything about myself. I feel like I've regressed back. But I did get out of the rut once.
I've spent the time since then as some sort of weird guru. I didn't mean for it to end up this way, but I found that some people have an easy time talking to me and I have this impulse to be that shoulder-to-cry-on. After I got myself out of my last rut of depression, I was in such a happy and grateful-to-be-alive state that I was more than willing to "give back" by listening to people and talking to them. I was so happy and grateful just to have friends. Before I knew it, it was like this clique formed around me. A couple of people kept calling me "leader" of this group of friends which I should take pride in I guess but it just makes me uncomfortable when you get down to it. I felt like some sort of cult leader. I never wanted a clique, I just wanted friends.
Things started to get tough for me again. I neglected my responsibilities to myself and I started a slow spiral earlier this year. I felt like nobody really cared, and I saw some friends just sort of check-out when their personal counselor was unable to be helpful because he wasn't doing well himself. On the other hand, maybe they were trying to help and I was just ignoring them. Maybe I'm just being egotistical and I really was a friend to them, and I just inflated my ego and subconsciously thought of myself as the "leader" of this group after I first heard the word applied to me. I don't know.
I can't figure out what feelings are irrational and what aren't. I feel like I don't have a right to any feeling that anybody has done me any wrong anytime ever because I have done so much wrong. It's like my self-care moral compass has been completely shattered.
Being around my family this summer has been weird. My relationship with everybody improved when I got out of the rut, and there's been little conflict, but I just kind of... feel... unloved? My only sibling has never really cared to listen to my problems. She was the only other one that experienced some of the same neglect and abuse from our parents, she's the only one that I could possibly relate to. She's the only one that could possibly make sense of some of our upbringing and she has absolutely no interest in it. It's always been this way with her so I guess this summer's reminder is no surprise. She never says "I love you" when we get off the phone, it's always me and she'll usually have already hung up or will hastily say it as if it's just "Polo" to a "Marco". She never gives me a hug when I see her. She never, ever, ever asks me "how are you?". When I see she's having a rough time, I try talk to her about her day. Usually talking to her about work is the best way to get her to talk. I mostly just do it because I like getting her to talk to me, as if she's interested in what I have to say. I don't think she's stopped viewing me as her annoying little brother. I love her and I need her help, I've always needed her help, but I feel like she's never thought I was worth her time. Maybe I'm just needy. She works hard and is raising two beautiful children - and shit, you know, she's pregnant too - and so it's not like I think she needs more shit to worry about. I just am sad because I am beginning to accept she and I will never be close and I wish I was close to her.
My mom is stressed because of her new job and her current living situation, which is a little jacked, and so she hasn't really had much time to deal with me. I don't blame her. Her negativity has really had an impact on me. I didn't realize how dysfunctional that aspect of her was until this summer, perhaps because positive-thinking only recently became a huge part of how I took care of myself. She's always quick to resort to doomsday when things get stressful. It stresses me out. When my girlfriend visited, she constantly complained about the apartment she was in and would just rant and rant about her stress and it was embarrassing. She's just \*so negative\*. So I feel like she's not interested in how I'm doing because she's busy, but I still am expected to listen to her deepest most anxious outbursts day in and day out. The last time I was climbing out of a rut, she was really supportive. It was really good. It was healing from the upbringing I'd received from her, and I felt like I could finally forgive her for a lot of the trauma she'd caused me. But this time, when I came home and was clearly a basket case I felt like she just wasn't really interested. Thankfully, I'm not a basket case anymore but I'm just \*so goddamn depressed\* and she hasn't once asked me "how are you doing?", either. Both my mom and my sister haven't really been interested in it. Maybe it's because they've finally gotten tired of the problem-child's shit. I don't blame them. Maybe my problem is that I'm expecting my family to kiss my mental boo-boos or whatever. Maybe my problem is I'm expecting everyone to do it.
My dad has been... well, my dad. Listened to him ramble for forty minutes the other day in which he told more lies about his abuse towards my mom and both me and my sister than I can count, called himself an asshole and the nicest guy he knows in the same breath, and told me about how the entire world is about money and everybody wants to "cut your throat". Same ol' same ol'.
I've had some friends check in on me. But... I don't know what to tell them when they do give me what I'm sad not to get from my family, that "how are you?" text. Sometimes I managed to squeak out "depressed" and every now and then I really have been blessed by their kind words, but I never feel like I've actually told them anything. I can't figure out why I'm feeling this way.
Being in public is hell. It's absolute hell. I dissociate very, very easily in public. Usually my trigger is overhearing someone say something that sounds like my name or sounds like it has to do with me, and then - blam! - I'm out of it and it's like I have short-term memory loss and it's like I can't think of anything but the fact that I need to go home and get away from people. I never really thought of myself as somebody with social anxiety until my therapist nailed it as exactly that when I told her what was going on. I always feel like I have to explain myself, and I oscillate between being stand-offish from sheer insecurity and being overly-friendly from... well, the same thing. I felt like I always had to explain myself to the person I mentioned earlier and every explanation just made things worse. Maybe there isn't an explanation for the way I am and I'm just fucked in the head and a piece of shit and I'll never be anything but this. I don't know why I'm like this. I can't figure it out.
I'm not really allowing myself the opportunity in some respects, I guess. I've been drinking, like, almost every night. It's the only thing that makes the anxiety go away enough so that I can sleep. It's horrible for me, I know. My mom is a recovering alcoholic and I myself have been around the block with substance abuse, in fact it was that very problem that drove me to insanity one and near-insanity recently. So like lmao what the fuck am I doing but it's the only way I can get to sleep lmaooooo
I made a commitment to stay away from substances a while ago and it's safe to say I relapsed. I'm taking steps to get my life back on track. Friday will be my first of two 2-hour appointments in which I'm getting a comprehensive psychological evaluation done. At the end of it, I'll have the most intensive map of my head that I ever will have had in my life. I'll be using it to connect me to mental health resources in the area my school is at so that I don't spiral again.
I'm terrified of going back to school, but school is the only thing that gets me out of bed and to not go back would be to lose everything. The people there really, really hate me. Or maybe they don't and it's just a few people and I'm making it out to be worse than it is in my head. In fact, there's a lot of people there that like me. I'm blessed to have that. But this entire year I tried to ignore a problem that wouldn't go away - the problem of infamy. I'm just going to go back, keep my head down, stay away from greek houses, stay away from parties, study, study, study, and get off to grad school. But I'm terrified. I'm terrified of those people. I'm a big ol' pussy when it comes to something as little as mean words. I'm far more likely to believe someone when they say something negative about me than when they say something positive, ESPECIALLY when I'm in a rut. I feel like I lack that ability other people have to say "fuck what that asshole thinks" because I torture myself over every person's slightest negative comment. I think that's part of the reason my encounter with that person fucked me up so much. And I think their opinion might be entirely negative. I think they might hate me. A while ago, I told them they should, I think. You reap what you sow, I guess.
I hate my body. I hate my born sex. For the past near-year, every time I look in the mirror and I look down at what part I was born with I get this sickness in my stomach, this knotted feeling like I'm looking at something that's not me. When someone says something to me like, "oh, as you well know, all men have done X or think Y or blah blah blah" my anxiety rises and I nod and smile as if playing some part I never read the script for. I spend some nights scrolling through the LGBTQ communities and envying the people that have figured out how to deal with gender dysphoria. I hate the sex I was born with and I wish I was born as the other one but I don't want to confront the implications of that because to be transgender in today's world is a whole heaping mess of additional societal scrutiny I can't deal with. So instead I've just boxed that problem up and shoved it away and for now I'm telling myself that labels aren't important, anyways. That adage fails me every time I look in the mirror and feel that sense of doom.
The bright side is I think that I'm finally starting to unspiral but it is a long, long, long way up. I wish my sister wanted to check up on me, and I don't know why I keep expecting her to. She stopped a long time ago.
Maybe all of this is just me not wanting to grow up.
I wish somebody would just tell me they want to listen to me, all of me, all of it, and not tell me I'm a piece of shit for the things I say and tell me it's all going to be okay and tell me why. I can't expect my girlfriend to do that for me because that would be immensely unhealthy, for me to just dump all the above shit on her, and I don't really think there's ever going to be anyone that will ever want to listen to all that bullshit and parse through it to weave together some comforting tale about why it's all going to be okay. I want someone to hold me and listen to me, all of me, all of it, and let me cry into them and I don't think that's ever going to happen.
I'm immensely concerned about that person I mentioned earlier but they make me feel like shit and I think I probably do the same thing to them and I don't think I'm ever going to move on and I don't think we're ever going to make amends.
I have faith in God but it is failing me this time for some reason. I know He has a plan for all of us but that does not mean He has a happy plan for all of us, sometimes His plan is for us to serve His image. Has my "happy" plan of His ended, and am I now just a warning to alcoholic mothers, abusive fathers, apathetic sisters, predatory peers, and kids that are thinking of trying out drugs? Is His plan now just for me to serve Him by being a cautionary tale?
Does anyone care? Is there anyone out here that didn't see this wall of text and just say "yikes" and click away? | SuicideWatch |
So my girlfriend... She is really funny pretty kind and all that jazz I really like her yk but she’s been through shit that I will never understand yk like we just started dating yk idk is it important I understand what she’s been through | teenagers |
I get ferociously depressed after RomComsI love them while I'm watching them, but once they end I'm reminded of how amazing this whole 'life' thing looks, and how far my reality is from it | depression |
I'm done?No, I cant tell you exactly why but I guess there is one thing I can say.. I don't belong here..
I know no one will actually read this and definitely no one I know will read it but I just need to say I'm sorry for all the hell I put people through..
~Edit~
After a morning of my dad trying to wake me up, I'm okay now I guess.. | SuicideWatch |
i think i have a bf now??? (apologies for bad formatting/grammar, it’s late and i’m on mobile)
so one of my closest friends recently told me he’s actually a guy. obviously i’m gonna support him, he’s still awesome. as of recently, however, i developed some mild romantic feelings, and today i acted upon them.
he didn’t say he felt the same, but when i told him we should date, he agreed. so, victory? | teenagers |
Drunken experience on the night of my 18th birthday may have just completely ruined my life. I feel so ashamed and disgusted, don't know what to do and am verging suicidal.Before I get started I need to stress that I don't want or need piss take answers. I don't need people to tell me I'm a bad person or what I did was wrong. I know all of this.
Ok my question begins with a small bit of back story. Im a recently turned 18 yrs old man. I've had a rough past 6 years with depression and anxiety stemming from an older boy forcing me into sexual acts as a young teen to being blackmailed on social media as a 16 year old. I've also dealt with suicidal thoughts. I've only started to properly socialise this year.
Basically my 18th birthday was this week. I'm away on holidays and me and my 16 year old brother and his friends went out to celebrate in a nearby town. After drinking some alcohol (about 5 shots of vodka and a pint) I felt horribly sick. I spent the majority of my night getting sick and I've come to the conclusion that one of my drinks was spiked and I've drank more before and never gotten that drunk or sick. Anyway after an awful night me and my brother and his friend got kicked out and I had to get the guys home on a taxi. We were all "smashed" but I was slightly less "smashed". It was weird walking home. My brother and his friend were totally messed up and telling me private info about their love lives and showing me themselves in NSFW fashion blah blah blah. Anyway fast forward we get back to my apartment. Vomit is flowing and we all crash in my room with me on the floor and the lads in beds. Anyway i had this horrible dream where I was licking my brothers friends upper A-hole and then was rubbing my penis on it. I inserted it slightly into the guys bum but no enough to penetration it. It was more like rubbing it. Then later I was messing with my brothers flaccid penis. At this stage in the dream they're both asleep. Later in the night I actually wake up, wack my head off a wooden desk and and stumble into the toilet and get sick. Then fall asleep on the floor in the kitchen. The weird thing is that now it's the following day and I can't properly and conclusively say that it was a dream. I've looked up vodka and spiked drinks and asked an aunt about it too. From what I've read hallucinations are common in these scenarios and I'm beginning to think the dream was real. It bloody felt real and that's why I'm so upset about it. I feel disgusted and that I violated and did unspeakable things to people that couldn't say no. I've read tons of stories today online about similar situations but the reason I'm so disgusted is because if my last and the horrors done to me as a young teen. How could I do this to others. I understand this is a gigantic explanation but I really need help. Again I can't conclusively say that it was real but it felt like it the more I think about it. I know my brother and his friend don't remember it but I feel like a pervert. I'm so afraid. I can t tell them without starting a literal war. I can't tell my parents. I told my aunt (who is 7 years older than me) vaguely what happened and she said just to put it down to a horribly I'll informed drunken/possibly drugged situation and move on and don't breath a word of it to anyone involved. I've never asked a question here before but I need to ask this. I'm so disgusted and horrified and honestly the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I have a very young toddler sibling with down syndrome who is essentially my best friend. I don't want my parents to be in a position to have to tell her in 15 - 20 years what happened to that older friend or brother who disappeared when she was a child. Again thanks for reading and sorry for the long question. I don't need joke answers. I need help. I'm verging suicidal and losing my mind. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you | SuicideWatch |
I have depression. Not sure what else to do.I've taken the necessary steps already. I've called my mom, told her everything, even ended up crying on the phone. I've set up a counseling appointment for this Wednesday. I have no insurance right now, so I'm lucky that they'll take me. I've admitted this to myself and have accepted it. But I feel so stuck.
I've tried to keep from spiraling and digging myself into a deeper hole, but nothing I do helps. I write and write and write. I even picked up a pencil and drew stuff, something I haven't done in months solid. I don't feel anything. I just stare at the finished drawing and think "Oh." And that's it.
I have no job, I'm not in school, I live by myself, and have no pets. I have three close friends, all of whom I made a point to see in the past 5 days. I think only one of them could tell something was off with me, because he said it to my face. I wanted very badly to talk about it, but he's the kind of friend who will go on and on about what I'm doing is detrimental and 'unfortunate', etc. and not really have much sympathy. I wish I could just be with my parents, but it's just not possible.
It's not that I haven't tried being social, or picking up my hobbies, or go and do new things. I've done all of those things. I even tried applying for a job that I knew I wouldn't get, but I did it anyway just to say I've made an attempt. But nothing makes a difference. I want to feel frightened by the fact that my emotions are MIA, but even that's not possible. I feel nothing. I think about getting my degree, about getting an awesome job, about paying my rent/bills, about dating, and I feel nothing. I think about my parents dying, my sister disappearing, being barren, never waking up again, being homeless, and still I feel nothing. I've been on anti-depressants before, and this is similar to the 'zombie-like' state I would experience. I'm on no medication currently.
25/F, if that makes any difference. I have 3 more days until my appointment, so maybe I'll make it. I just know that it's wrong to do nothing but stay in bed all day and all night. Will I just have to wait this out? I know this probably doesn't seem urgent, I'm not sitting here with a gun to my head or a rope around my neck. But the fact is... I just want help. Can anything else be done? | depression |
I'm still alive, somehow..I don't know. I can't die, I feel so empty. I can't even cry. I'm just stuck right now, stuck in the eternal darkness of life..
I just...
It's useless trying to describe my feelings. I'm lost. Simply, lost. | SuicideWatch |
Look at me I'm 16 Woah woah woah I'm 16, ew. | teenagers |
Is there anything that makes you glad you stayed?I’m just wondering if there’s anything that makes you happy that you survived a suicide attempt or if you didn’t do it at all. Like did you fine any hope or any good thing that is worth staying for? | SuicideWatch |
Shiiiiit I have two great memes prepared but I have to wait 12 hours so that Muricans can wake up Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo | teenagers |
Does therapy help?I'm just curious if it's helped any of you. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this week and I have no clue what to think of it. I've never really benefitted from talking to someone else about my shit. It just ends up making me feel worse because I'm making someone else listen to my bullshit. If it's helped you I'd like to know how so? And how many sessions it took to actually get anywhere | depression |
Why should I even keep trying...I have had a rough 4 years, in and out of rehab for the first two, relapse and pills and legal trouble the next year and this year has been the worst/best. I’m dealing with a theft charge from the beginning of the year, and recently spent a weekend withdrawling in jail for felony charges of small dope and thc wax(.06g) and when I was RWC (Bail with conditions) I got sober, it’s been 3 weeks of that except I smoked bud last night. I recently got the job of my dreams as a security officer, and my doc and family are so proud of the progress I made... but now, I get a text from my boss my background info need to be run again and may pull me from my dream job.. my attorney isn’t contacting me. I’m in the dark on court stuff, and I just got a text reminder of a different court date in 3 days I was never aware of or who is defending me, it just seems the more I try to better myself the worse everything else gets... I’m the best me I’ve ever been right now, clear head I don’t wanna use even if I was paid to, I have my dream job and was gonna enroll in outpatient for the courts. But now everything is falling apart right when I’m trying to piece my broken soul back together. WHY THE FUCK WHOULD I EVEN KEEP TRYING. Everything just falls back to nothing when I try to better my self, it’s like the world doesn’t want me or like god gave up on me, I just want this all to stop... I thought I was doing right?!? Where did I go wrong?!? WHY IS EVERYTHING AGASINT ME. I wanna be done.... I don’t wanna keep trying cause I know it won’t last like everything else... | SuicideWatch |
How come r/teenagers will let other people farm karma, but when I make a post making fun of farming karma it gets deleted for farming karma? It’s just ridiculous, let me meme ugh | teenagers |
The good powdersSo I bought a load of powders and pills off Amazon a while back and they ran out and the intervening period has been terrible.
So the things that helped where
DMAE
Phenylalanine
L-Tyrosine
5-HTP
The whole nootropic thing seems to be very good and I recommend them enormously. Just chucking a few scoops of phenylalanine (just trying to spell that correctly each time is I'm sure helping my cognitive skills) in glass of water today transformed my mood from hopeless, confused and feeling wretched to hopeless, confused but feeling good about it.
Enough to open up the master spreadsheet and expose myself to the full glare and horrendous truth of my financial situation, which I liken to opening ark of the covenant. Ah, it burns. | depression |
After trying & failing, think I've found a way forwardThis week I cant stop thinking about it and have tried and failed several times. I have now found a way to do it (actually inspired by something the dr said).
I really dont feel like I've got anyone to talk to and lost with it all | SuicideWatch |
RooftopWhy the hell should I not jump from the rooftop? It's not bad things as all of you, it's just nothing. Lack of things. It's just nothing but a few terribly shallow things and that's all I'll ever have. | SuicideWatch |
In Boston, looking to get better...I've had severe depression for a very long time, and it's been affecting my career and my long-term relationship. I've been in a very bad place for several months, starting to cry for no reason, sleeping for too long, forgetting things at work, and feeling distant from the people who care about me.
I need to get help, and I don't know where to go. So I guess I'm starting here. I don't have a doctor here. Does anyone know of someone to go to in the Boston area? I was on meds and talk therapy for a couple of months over a year ago, but I never really felt "happy". I guess I've never felt happy. It's something my boyfriend never understands...
A year ago the doctor thought I would only need the meds for the rest of the semester until I graduated from college. She thought the depression was only from stress from school. But now I have a job, and I know that depression is something I'll always struggle with. Will I have to be on meds for the rest of my life? I'm sort of reluctant to go back on them without knowing enough about how they will affect me and how long I'll have to be on them. I also don't want a doctor who just thinks depression is caused by stress and will go away on it's own. Any help would be much appreciated :) | depression |
I cant escape suicideI'm sitting in a train scrolling and kinda feeling like shit and when I look out the window at the forest the first thought I have is a little song "1 2 3 on which tree should i hang my bo-dy"
It's been 2 months since my suicide plan and attempt why cant I just live peacefully without these thoughts | SuicideWatch |
Hi, I'm 15, female and I think I have depression and anxiety. I don't really have a story, I just don't know what to do.I'm sorry this is so badly written, and so long, I hope someone can relate to me.
In lessons I often get panic attacks, at least that's what I think they are. I will usually just be sat and I feel, not scared, but everything goes fuzzy and everything anybody says around me, they sound panicked and that makes me even more scared. They used to be mild I have always had strange moments like this but since the beginning of this academic year they have been bad. Like I can't even explain. Voices don't just become scared, they become evil, and cruel whispers, it's terrifying. Will someone please tell me if this is similar to what they experience? I have no idea what this might be.
I cry a lot, for no reason really, I'm just scared. Little things set me off. Literally the tiniest thing, I won't cry about it when it happens because then, I won't give a shit; I cry later. I get off the bus at 4:30 and sit on the same bench for half an hour, not wanting to go home, cry a bit, then go home. This half hour is the only emotion I feel like I show anymore. Then I will spend all evening in my room.
I think my parents know I'm not happy, I recently did some pretty illegal shit, my parents caught me, that was a severe low point. I fixed myself, on my own, and I'm pretty fucking chuffed about that, but they didn't help. Not that they really could. I told my mum about the panic attacks and she told me I probably have low blood sugar. Then she started talking about how she used to get low blood sugar and she could hardly stand or some shit. I highly doubt it's this and (no offence to her) but if someone else has done something she has to have done it but better.
How do I get help? I think I need it. I don't think this is just emotional teenage year shit. Anyone had to tell their parents they were depressed before? Anything to shed some light on what the hell is happening would be appreciated. I'm sorry for how badly written this is, and how long. Thank you.
| depression |
I hate my scarsMy one arm is scarred up to my elbow. I did them when I was young and have quit with the self harm. Now I suffer with these scars. I feel like these scars hold me back. I'm close to 30 and want to start doing something with my life. I tried going back to school and my depression got bad and I hated trying to hide my scars.
I was wondering is it selfish to start a gofundme to get a tattoo to cover them? I already got a amateur tattoo done to cover a old burn but I still have the whole forearm to cover.
| depression |
If “okay” is always temporary and “better” is never to come then why tryspent too much time trying for “okay” I don’t even want “okay” anymore I just want death. no one can really change that. have heard it all. life is just meaningless and mine is worthless. so be it. | SuicideWatch |
well fuck me. literally, im horny again lmfao smh my head 😤 | teenagers |
Just because a politician is younger, doesn’t mean hes better Its about policy guys come on. Quit being so dumb. | teenagers |
Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me
I’m finally getting to change the flair to 15
Happy birthday to me | teenagers |
My girlfriend is the only reason I haven't killed myself yetI already posted this to r/confession but I wanted to post here as well
I don't even know why I'm posting this, I've been drinking though and I just needed to get my thoughts out.
I've had a history of depression and I find myself struggling with it more and more recently. I'm a college drop out who can't stand working an actual job. For the past few years I've been living off money I make from my relatively popular YouTube channel, I make enough to live on but I know this is by no means a permanent solution and I constantly worry the money will dry up. Not only that but I know that once I hit a dead end there I will be basically unemployable, I have no real skills or experience, I wouldn't hire me. I don't make enough to go back to school and even if I did I have no idea what I would study. I hate myself and what I've become. I constantly think about killing myself just to end all the stress, but there's one problem. Even though I make shitty money, it's the money that helps support my girlfriend. She's the only person I actually care about and she makes even less than me. I pay the vast majority of rent and all of the "Shared" bills (stuff like the electric bill). She's one of the few people who cares about me and any time I think about suicide I can't help but imagine how much it would hurt her. I really don't know what to do, I feel like I'm on a treadmill that's slowly speeding up and I'm only getting more exhausted as time goes on. I know I'm going to end up killing myself, its only a matter of when my stress outweighs my guilt. I haven't done anything with my life and my lasting impact will only be the pain I cause my loved ones when I'm gone. | depression |
Want to dispel myths about overdosingI've had a long problem with overdoses; I would overdose when life became too overwhelming and I just wanted everything to stop, and I didn't care much about waking up. I've had many overdoses in my life involving different drugs. But this method is FAR from peaceful and is more likely to leave you with organ damage rather than death.
The first time I overdosed was when I was 13 and had no idea what I was doing. I took some paracetamol from the cabinet and had as much as I could. I went to bed thinking naively that I just wouldn't wake up. But I did wake up hours later and then I panicked. I told my mum and we rushed to hospital. My skin was clammy and jaundiced and my vision kept going fuzzy. It was too late to do the charcoal thing so instead they gave me some sort of painkiller while I vomited up green bile and it was horrendous. The pain was agonising and it was honestly the worst physical pain I've ever experienced. I'm pretty sure they had me on morphine or something because I was high as a kite but there was still agonising pain because my liver was just going insane and I just kept puking.
Once that passed and my vitals normalised and everything, I went home, they decided a psychiatric unit would put my studies at risk so I didn't go.
Fast forward to me at 20-21 and things are still a bit of a struggle. I knew what paracetamol overdoses were like so I planned something else. I obtained Xanax, GHB, oxycodone along with a lot of alcohol and I ended up blacking out. Fortunately I was found and I woke up in hospital surrounded by doctors.
The next time I blacked out on Xanax and alcohol which was just dumb really and FYI, don't ever do that, Xanax blackouts can end up with you doing some insane shit while having no consciousness of it. People have ended up in jail and having no idea why, it's crazy.
My most recent overdose was involving opiates, barbiturates and benzos. I woke up caked in vomit and found it hard to move. I ended up vomiting up again and realised that it was the same green bile as before so I was worried I'd damaged my liver. Called an ambulance and I was physically ok, but just felt like death for a couple of weeks.
Just DONT overdose, people. It may seem like a peaceful method like they show in the movies, but in reality, you're more likely to end up damaging yourself and it may possibly be permanent. No matter how bad your life is, people who have been unfortunate with overdoses sometimes suffer brain damage or need to be put on dialysis and be in care. YOU DONT WANT THAT. I know discussing methods isn't great but this is just a lose-lose for everybody. Plus, paracetamol is commonly found in most homes but in overdose, it's fucking brutal. I mean there should be more health announcements about it, if you don't get to a hospital within a certain time frame, your liver may shut down and it is agonising and prolonged.
Some people may disagree with this post, but I felt I needed to clarify what overdosing actually involves, having been there and done that. Also, look at my track record, and I'm still around. This won't cause anything but suffering, but death? Not likely. | SuicideWatch |
MemoryIs there a way to overcome bad visual memory?? It seems like everyone around me is a walking computer. I just want to improve it so I can eventually become good at translations and digital art. | depression |
The punchline is missingIt always felt like a half finished sandwich, or a novel half written as a kid. The thought that you didn't understand why people do what they do, why they think and care about what they do.
And me, sitting there, thinking that I dont understand why people like life, but I am only 12, so I figured I would understand it later. Cue entering college, and still not getting it. Is being social supposed be worth the drudgery of soul draining employment?
I still dont get it. Mid 20s, stupid useless corporate job that I hate, in another overdeveloped subdivision. Wondering if this what I burned 12 years of my childhood getting ready for.
I dont get it. I dont understand what I am supposed to look forward to. What is the spark that makes the monotony of living worth fighting for? Am I seriously supposed to be happy with spending my life sitting in a fucking box, or getting the "priviledge" to have some corporate bullshit invade my house? Am I supposed to be fulfilled by Netflix and a new phone?
Am I supposed to desire this charade of a culture? Why should I care about living? Why is suicide wrong? I dont want to be here anyway.
Covid19 or not, I don't really understand what I am supposed to even enjoy in life. It seems like looping obligations, with periodic silver linings to temporarily distract you from those obligations. | SuicideWatch |
As someone who can't swallow pills, what are my options for anti-depressants that also come in generic form, if any?Don't suggest liquid Zoloft/Sertrakube, I had to stop taking that because the taste was so absolutely terrible that I just couldn't take it anymore.
I've been looking for an anti-depressant, and I have an appointment with my doctor next week to talk with him about this, but I want to know what my options are, if there are any. I cannot swallow pills, so it has to be liquid or similar form. Also, generic is a must, because I can't afford something like 50 dollars a month.
Does anyone here take a non-pill antidepressant? If anyone can help, then I'll appreciate it a lot.
Also, please don't give me any advice on how to swallow pills because whatever suggestions you have, I've heard it already, and I'm not here to learn how to swallow pills. | depression |
These long postsI cant even read or focus. How are you all so able?
I'm so overwhelmed with losing everything I've basically given up.
The only ones I care about, thinking of them after, is holding me back somewhat.
Everything else and everyone else doesn't matter. It doesn't get better no matter what they say. It just doesn't.
Losing your home, your job of 6.5 years, your sense of purpose, your ability to think straight and do tasks - your best strength all lost.
Every day just seems like a trauma to the eventual abrupt end.
I hate waking up, its the worst part of my day, making it hard to even go to sleep.
I've never wished more for death in my sleep or for a tree to fall on me or lightning to strike me.
Mental illness is a fucking joke in this country. No one cares. They just dope you up and talk to you and hope for the best. How does that help anyone????
People with no support system are worse off than me and I cant take it so I can only imagine their pain and suffering.
38 to the cord seems to be my way of going, just going to do it somewhere remote, possibly in my car, so I won't be found for a while. Everyone can pick up their lives and move on, ive become nothing but a burden.
Human history is littered with war and struggle. To what end?
They can figure it out. I know i cant. | SuicideWatch |
sorry everyone that last post was weird now im weird. karma is real my car has been running for like an hour should i turn it off | teenagers |
Even though I swear, I think that swearing doesn't make people cool. It just became part of my daily vocabulary. | teenagers |
First therapy session, update.The diagnosis was "well, you definitley have major depression!". This is so stupid and not at all what I was expecting. My hopes of something positive actually coming out of this are pretty low right now. For a therapist with 20 odd years of experience it felt like I was talking to a fucking text book. Well, no shit, I'm sure if I went home and read psychology for dummies I would come to the same stupid conclusion. No help at all, this guy only gets one more shot. | depression |
No success in life what can i do?Sorry for my grammar:
Im 26 and never had succes in anything even if i try mi best. Literally im nothing and im going insane. Since forever i never had friends. Just people who i hang around sometimes at a party but after it we dont speak or do anything. I never found that group where people like stuffs what i am, or we honsetly look ahead for each other. My best friend is almost an alcoholic whining machine and hes got a lot of friends beside me.
My dating life s.cks. If i interested in someone she's dumping me withouth a word and i never had the chance to show my real self to someone. Im tired of meeting girls and its stresses me a lot. Never had a true relationship. My best friend first registered on an online dating site than the first girl who he wroted liked him and had a 2 year relationship. im on those sites for 10 years. Girls ghosting me for no reason or rub it in my face that im su..
Never had a proper job, im very unlucky. If i work in my wanted field the company goes down or gets a budget cut and i have to go. If i apply to a job where i dont fit they call me in. if i 100% excellent they dont call me.
Every time if i do something nothing happenes but others withouth taking action get more from life. My neighbourhood inherited a ton of money, me..only debts. My friend was in college about 2 years and now he has a great job. My stepdad picked up a new hobbie and immediatelly had success. My sister always get positive feedback from others. I never got any. Or encouragement. I have a ton of hobbies. And i love knowledge. If i like something i always dig in myself and read about it. Try to be opened and good to others. I thought about someone cursed me because ridicilous how nothing good happenes with me.
Now im always depressed about myself. Cant controll success even if i do my best i cant achieve anything. | depression |
hol up I need to put my playlist on why didn’t I think this through | teenagers |
I told my family that I've considered suicide and now I feel like a fraudI've been going through a really rough patch and I've many times now considered suicide as a way out. This rough patch has also consisted of me being in a dull and shitty mood as well as abandoning social and school responsibilities.
The thing that makes me feel even more guilty is how nice and understanding everyone in the family is. They noticed my mood change and wanted to help, but they kept helping in the wrong ways and eventually I broke down and told them I'm suicidal and can't get anything in my life straight right now.
Suddenly everyone went into overly nice mode and I feel like a dick for making everyone worry and being extra nice to me when I wouldn't have the courage to kill myself anyway. I feel like such an asshole for making people worry and such a whining loser about getting all caught up and I feel like I threatened suicide about my tiny problems in comparison to everyone else suffering and suicidal. And this just makes me want to kill myself all the more for being such a burden in everyone's life and for being unable to deal with my minor issues when everyone else is having such a tough time. | SuicideWatch |
I am worthless, a rant.I'm writing this as a public declaration of *me* I am also writing this as a way to actualize my situation.
I am a person without worth. There are no redeeming qualities in me as a human being. I'm not good at anything, I have no talents or hobbies. I always wanted to be a writer of an artist but I'm bad at both. Everything I've ever written or painted I've destroyed. Anything I make isn't worth the space it takes up. I think I'm bi poler because I go through mood swings. Sometimes I'll feel great, and happy just for being alive, the experience of existence is exhilarating for me, and I'll make stuff. I usually paint large paintings, the problem is they were all horrible. I always get close to finishing than I purposely destroy the work. Sometimes when I feel extra down I burn it because I'm a dramatic fuck. I also enjoy writing, but I can't write good so I burn that too. It's a literally destructive cycle. If I have nothing to burn I'll punch holes in my wall. I never patch them.
I always wanted to find something in my life I'm decent at and enjoy doing. Something special, something where I can express how I feel. But the universe keeps reminding me I have no purpose I was raised to work and work I will. I plan to slave till I die in a job I hate. I purposely do things I hate to punish myself for thinking that I deserve better. I have to constantly remind myself I am worthless and I owe the world everything I am and should work tirelessly to repay that. I like being looked down upon and criticized. Whenever I show somebody something I've made before destroying it I ask only for criticism. I'm the best when told my place. | depression |
I have everything, but nothing.I have many friends, a good job, I'm currently in classes and doing very well, I have a nice girlfriend, I have many fun video games, I have many hobbies, I have many interests, I have quite a bit of money, I have a very nice body, I'm very intelligent, and I am soon to be moving out of my oppressive house to live with my sister who actually cares for me, but, ultimately, I'm empty on the inside. None of my friends or even my girlfriend can truly relate to me about anything. I have no motivation to actually *pursue* my interests. My hobbies aren't fun anymore because, as I near their completion, I realize that I have to go back to my "normal" life. I hardly ever show emotion to anyone at all, even my girlfriend, because they always act as if I am over-exaggerating my feelings. I feel like nobody cares about me because they don't bother to relate to me at all, but I feel stupid thinking that because sometimes they *do* seem like they're paying attention. It takes me forever to get up in the morning. I'm constantly counting down the hours to minutes to seconds every single day. Every night when I wake up I think to myself "Why can't I sleep less?" and when I go to bed I think to myself "Why can't I sleep more?" I find little enjoyment in my day to day life, and I haven't been truly happy in years. I have fun, sure, and I laugh, yes, but in the back of that enjoyment everything keeps pinching me, reminding me that the enjoyment will end soon and then everything will go back to normal. I try as hard as I can with *everything* I do in life, but it's never good enough. And then I see everyone around me not trying at all and doing a mediocre job and then *they* get all the glory! Literally no one takes my advice about anything, even when I know *100%* what I am talking about. On the outside, I have everything going for me. But on the inside I don't even care about my *own life*. On paper, everything should be going excellently in my life, and who's to say that it isn't really going excellently? But in reality, I'm unfulfilled. I just don't give a shit anymore. I don't even know what this post is supposed to be asking. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live? | depression |
The battle of trying to find the right meds... please give me some hope that I can be happy eventually...I was first diagnosed with depression at 13, and started Prozac. It worked wonders for me. Then, of course, at some point maybe a year later, I stopped taking it.
I generally don't like to be on antidepressants if my depression isn't too bad. I know it's not rational, but I don't feel like myself when I'm on them.
I've had some hard times over the last 5 years when I probably should have gone back on them, but whatever.
Finally, about 3 months ago things were getting too bad. I was cutting more than usual, and deeply depressed, and had been wanting to kill myself on a regular basis. It was interfering with my classes and my life. I talked to my psychiatrist (who I was mostly seeing for my ADHD at the time, but she's the same psychiatrist I've been seeing since I was 13), and we agreed that Prozac was the best shot.
Unfortunately, this time around Prozac made me sleepy. Like sleeping for 12+ hours a night and still needing a nap in the middle of the day. After 3-4 weeks, I had too much coursework that I was falling behind on, and decided that I couldn't wait to see if the side effect wore off.
According to my doc, it's not unusual for side effects to change, especially since I was 13 the first time, but have since gone through puberty and am now almost 20.
Zoloft did the same thing, i.e. making me ridiculously sleepy.
I wanted to wait until winter break to try any other meds because this was seriously impacting my classes. Ended up going to the ER during finals week because I was deciding to kill myself and then realized that probably wasn't a good idea.
I've been on Cymbalta for almost 3 weeks now. My doc and I decided on it because it's and SSRI, and Prozac, which is an SSRI, helped before when I was 13, but it's also an SNRI, and we were hoping that the norepinephrine activity would keep it from making me sleepy like the Prozac; I was also kinda hoping that the SNRI activity would help with my ADHD a bit, though I'm already on Adderall.
I can't say if it's helping, because my stress levels are a lot lower since it's break. I'm definitely still depressed, but I don't spend as much time wanting to die.
Unfortunately, the Cymbalta is also making me a bit sleepy. It's not as bad as the Prozac, but I definitely can't pass my classes when I need to sleep for 10+ hours/day. I think it's also making me pass out, though I can't be sure (I've had issues with passing out for a long time, and it comes and goes, but seems to generally occur more the week before my period, but my period ended a week ago and I'm still passing out way more than usual, and on the day I didn't take my Cymbalta I didn't pass out.)
My doc is near my home town, which means a 2 hour drive each way to go see her, and her office is closed on weekends so it's always hard to get in. Add to that the fact that it takes 4+ weeks to be sure of any improvement from meds, and I'm just feeling frustrated and hopeless. I don't want to have to spend 6 months trying to find the right med, meanwhile going through all kinds of side effects on top of my depression.
And in the mean time, I bought a broad spectrum light to help with my depression and sleep cycles, and have wanted to make other changes in my life like exercising to help combat my depression, but I am putting off making those changes until I find the right med, because if all of a sudden I start feeling a bit better then there'd be multiple variables and no way to know whether it's the Cymbalta or the non-med changes, and if it's just the non-med changes making a difference, then there's no reason to stay on the Cymbalta and should probably try to find a med that actually helps.
Please tell me something hopeful. Tell me that you found the right med and it was all worth it in the end. Tell me that side effects can wear off and Cymbalta could still be the perfect med for me and even if it isn't the next one could be. Right now I just feel like quitting the Cymbalta and not even trying anymore.
**TL;DR:** I'm trying a third med and scared that I will have to try a million different meds that don't work, and be this depressed for the foreseeable future... support and/or reassurance and/or hope would be really appreciated | depression |
need help meeting a psychologistI dont think there are any around here and i cant travel anywhere.
how can i get in touch with one? I think i have been depressed for a long time and i need to handle it somehow.
my current situation isnt sustainable at all so i need to change fast | depression |
Tell me I don't deserve this!I'm in love. My perfect man. Everything is perfect.
We've been together for a year now. He doesn't have time for me, even one day a month. He doesn't say he loves me. He doesn't think I'm attractive.
I lost 2stone for him. I changed a lot for him. I've confided in him and now he uses it all against me. I feel like a fool. I feel like a fucking idiot. Is it my fault? Am I too demanding? I don't think I'm beautiful or loveable but I didn't think it was too much to ask of him to think that if me. He says I'm the one he wants to marry. Or he did. Now I'm lucky f he says good night to me. Tell me! Is it my fault? Do I deserve this? | SuicideWatch |
I was conceived by mistakeThe "father" or sperm donor as I call him ran off before I was even born. Dear old "mom" was 18, finished 8 grades of education (not caring about it ever since the first couple), was working a low paying, low qualification job and guess what, did not know that you need a condom to avoid such things. How the 45 year old sperm donor was unaware of it is a big mystery.
She at first contemplated doing an abortion but her "high moral" parents, who btw were unemployed for most of the time and were relying on her income (yes) told her to keep the child.
In her youthful 20s she constantly went partying with her friends, drinking the nights away. She also went for work abroad several times, so I didn't see her for 4 years between the ages of 2-12.
When I was about 4 she met some other nice fellow, reminiscent of daddy dearest. They quickly got married after less than a year (yes) and we moved in with him, also abroad.
Then it turned out, that, surprise, surprise, he was a violent and barely hinged alcoholic who physically and mentally abused her and mentally abused me.
Oh, did I mention that she moved abroad with a guy she barely knew while having a kid and didn't know the language? Oops.
Long story short, she managed to escape with me (yay!)
Afterwards I if course got some much needed child therapy (not) and could continue to live out my life like nothing ever happened (not).
My grandparents who lead to my birth at first were happy to take care of me, until I was at the ripe old age of 5. My grandmother abused me for years, wanted me to be perfect in everything and punished for not living up to her ridiculous standards. (Imagine yelling at a second grader and grounding him for getting a B instead of an A in school) Oh, and she physically abused me on a regular basis, yay child beatings.
My grandfather pretended to be a nice old man but never interfered, rip. A final bit about them. They are horrifically unhygienic people, to the point that gramps never used sope after taking a shit. Oh and he once assaulted me for pointing that out and to make a point grabbed my hands with his, you know to pass the germs. (They all, including 8 grades of education believe that the Corona virus is fake)
Years and two of her jerk off boyfriends later (with one of whom she still lives with and who assaulted me in a fit of non provoked rage (I dare you to guess who mommy sides with)) I'm now done with school and I have absolutely no idea of what to do with my life.
My "family" hates, dislikes or is indifferent about me, I have no friends, I hardly ever knew what it is like to be treated with the slightest bit of respect and understanding and generally I am simply tired.
Things were always bad, they still ate and I don't see prospects of them getting better. | SuicideWatch |
Any tips for a freshman? So like every kid i have eventually made it to high school and im scared out of my fucking mind anybody have advice on what to do/ not to do? | teenagers |
Do You ever just like Look in a mirror and because everything is so weirdly right for once you just look at yourself and go “dayuuuummm you looking kinda attractive” to yourself?
This happens once in a while | teenagers |
All I think about is killing myselfIt seems that all I can think about is dying...everything around me just seems so fake. I don’t care about my wellbeing anymore, I’m at the point where I’m ready to just start doing hard drugs anything to just make me not feel. All I ever do is fucking overthink and stress and just I can’t do it anymore I’m so fucking tired and no one around me notices and I can’t bring myself to ask for help I don’t know what to do. I feel so fucking alone and all I wanna do it just make it stop. Why does killing myself have to be so hard I just fucking want it to stop. I don’t wanna be me anymore I just want it to be fucking over. | SuicideWatch |
I just hit 5 foot and 130 pounds LETS GO BOYS
5 FEET
J want to thank my grandad who taught me exactly what not to do
I want to thank my mommy for making me sleep so I csn grow
And I want to thank redditors for absolutely nothing
LETS GO BOYS | teenagers |
I found my reason!I really want to stay to meet the aliens 👽 because they are coming🛸 | SuicideWatch |
Abusive ex contacted me just to make me feel bad about myselfHe was trying to be amicable at first. I never thought he’d contact me again. I’ve been on a good path in my life again so I thought I’d try the forgiveness route and entertain the conversation. Turns out it would just bring a shit ton of terrifying memories and feelings I never wanted again
It just ended with him telling me that he’s in the bad place in his life because of me. Started accusing me of things that I didn’t do. This man did horrible things to me and my life but I’ve chosen to move on and forgive, but he’s still like this. I’ve chosen to be happy again and be happy with who I am now, but all he wanted to do was to put me down bc he’s not happy anymore, so we both have to suffer. I thought I could escape this. I was so happy today and he showed up and stepped on it.
I forgot this feeling of hopelessness. I forgot this feeling of despair. I don’t blame him, like he did to me. I blame myself for not getting myself out of this mindset on my own. I hate that I feel this way again. That my only escape is death from these dark feelings. I just want it all to stop when I fall asleep | SuicideWatch |
Wrote this awhile back. I thought it was interesting look at my emotions. It might be worth a read.I am writing this purely for my own recollection, a sort of remembrance if you will. While I am not completely happy, I could not write this down if I was. For I knew the true feeling of having a sort of pure happiness that can be unparalleled by and query in my life I could not remember the cold embrace of the sadness I have felt all this time. It is sort of like the feeling right before you wake up, you and not asleep but also not awake and the world has not yet set in, and nothing is comprehendible because when it comes down to it, there is nothing to comprehend just for that moment. But for me, that moment was stretched out over years. While how bad it truly is flows and ebbs the feeling of happiness has always been on the horizon. While the thought of being happy nice, it was just a fake image in my head, the thought of the beautiful sunrise on the horizon snuffed out by gray dismal clouds with black evil waters tiding under, meeting each other at the horizons that I sought. While it was true enough that I knew that light, that beckoning sunrise was there it has been unforeseeable until late. It the storm has only just cleared, the waters not yet calmed, the method to my salvation not yet realized. In short, I can finally see the light, but have no means of getting there. But enough on feelings, lets reflect.
While I do understand my methods, I do regret them at the same time. Sleep was my sanctuary. I always craved sleep, I was always tired. I slept most of the day, only really being awake during school (and at that only sometimes then) and for a few short hours after supper. Other than that I was chasing the sweet release of sleep, a place where there was no reality and nothing that needed to make sense. But after all that, I slept so much of my valuable life away, and it sucks knowing that I had. I could not gain that time back, but I could not have survived without that release. I guess I should look on the bright side, I didn't turn to any substance to block out the pain, sleep was enough of an escape for my sanity to keep from going over the brink.
Some may ask why I did not seek help. I ask why I did not just kill myself, I know I wanted to. But therein lies the same answer, I had too good of a life. I was successful, social (when I wanted to be), my parents are together, no money problems, I have a job, have had great relationships, so why be unhappy? I don't know. But how could I just throw away a life that had been so good to me, how much of a pussy would I have been? That and I could not do that to my family, it was too selfish of thing to do. All the money and time and emotion they had put into me, for naught? No, I could not just do that to them, I had to make them something to be proud of. No one really knows how much and how long I have struggled with this... most likely including myself. I look back and at times I was happy, but when was the last time I truly felt good? I don't even know. I thought about becoming religious, but decided against that. I needed something tangible at the time. I look at this, everything I have accomplished, will accomplish, and think about gathering the tools for the long journey ahead, one that was necessary. I realize that, maybe I don't need to do it alone, but letting people in after all this time would be so hard, how could I? I managed to get along thus far, so why change things up now?
But that planning is for another day. All I know is that the powers that may be cleared up the storm, and finally I can become free, even if I am not there yet I fully understand the depth of this emotional hole that I am in, and how to climb out of it. In reflection I know how truly awful the pain has been, and I know it will be just as bad in times to come. I will never be an optimist, but that is ok. I figure it out from here. Until then, truly yours.
--Somab
(I can't remember why I signed it somab, I think it is suppose to stand for something by I can't remember now. | depression |
I'm lost and afraidI don't know where to begin, but I hope that I am posting this in the right place. I realized this morning that I am somewhat of a hollow husk of the guy I used to be. I have been struggling with depression since I was 12, and am now 19. I am unemployed and spend my days inside my apartment with the blinds shut trying to meditate, read or watch movies. I have had three job interviews that I could have gone to but was to afraid to show up to. I find that any human interaction is basically unwanted and when I do have to talk to people besides my friends, the conversations are strained and awkward. Although, I do sometimes find comfort in my friends, but I don't like the people they have become. All they seem to want me around for in drinking and doing drugs at parties where I am too afraid to talk to anyone besides them. Those parties and the drinking/drugs aren't fun like when I was 16. There's a yearning to let them all go and make new friends, but it all seems so impossible to me. I feel so disconnected from the world I once knew, and now all I want to do is take comfort in my apartment alone, fantasizing of moving to some remote island where I will never have to socialize or meet new people again. Reading this I'm realizing I've got some issues.... I can't afford a therapist and am generally looking for some advice. Can any of you shed some light on what I'm going through or share some similar experiences and how you got through them? | depression |
Where do you go to treat severe depression when you do not have health care coverage?I can't afford to pay a professional full price. The free clinics I have looked into treat depression as a low priority, as opposed to drug addiction, schizophrenia, etc. When I answered "No," to a question of whether or not I was suicidal, one clinic couldn't even make an appointment. I thought about joining a free support group, but it is religious-based, which is ineffective for me. I only have so much motivation to keep trying for help. Am I not looking hard enough? Would a doctor at the CVS clinic be enough? Reddit, any ideas for me? Thank you. | depression |
The reason I can't talk about suicide.I've dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off since I was 16. So for 9 years, id say I haven't gone 3 months without the thought of suicide. Sometimes it's worse than other times.
It doesn't take much to send me spiraling through the abyss that is my own thoughts, and the threshold for a meltdown has steadily gotten lower and lower.
Around the time I was 16-17 I had a rough breakup. During a post-split fight I had said to her on the phone that I felt suicidal. In hindsight this was a huge mistake. She hung up the phone. I did not know what was going to happen next. I'm sure many of you know where this is going.
About 15 minutes went by and there was a knock at my door. It was the police. They wanted to talk. I shut the door. So these cops kicked the door in and tackled me. I was put in handcuffs and taken to a hospital - 100% against my will. I was admitted for a psyc evaluation. During this time there were no rooms, so I was handcuffed to a gurney in a hallway, full of other people waiting to be evaluated for whatever. The details of the people are hazy.
Because I was under 18, I had to spend the night (cuffed to a bed in a hallway) to wait and see a pediatric psychiatrist. I remember the crushing anxiety. The feeling of being a prisoner only made me feel worse; more like dying. It was a harrowing experience for a young boy, already broken apart by other life experience, to endure.
It took everything I had to lie to that doctor and get myself out of there in the morning. Whatever help they might want to offer me, keep it.
To this day I am afraid to talk about my deep feelings with anybody. Even my closest friends, medical professionals, my family... anybody. Nobody can know how I feel, lest I end up chained to a bed again.
I feel like I need help sometimes, but I always manage to dig my way out.
A few months back a friend of mine shot himself. We were all shocked. Nobody suspected a thing. Since then I've expressed my "history" of suicidal thoughts to some of my closer friends that knew Vince and were effected. It's given me more of an outlet, but I'm still afraid to express my current state of mind, lest they try to go over my head and call the police... even with my own "best interest" in mind. | depression |
It’s my 19th birthday lads The last few have been pretty bad (this one included, I just had minor surgery so ugh) BUT I was hoping to get maybe a few “happy birthday” wishes on here? I’ve lost a good majority of my friends over the last few months so I don’t have many people who really care about my birthday except like my grandparents and an old friend. You don’t have to mean it, it would just be nice to see at least a few random teenagers from the internet spent like two seconds typing it out | teenagers |
how in the world do people take 10-20 minute power naps that’s how long it takes me to fall asleep and once i put my head down it’s over. i needa learn this power, i’d be so much more powerful without the grogginess of my hour long naps | teenagers |
I feel fucking powerful. It is not much but I feel like sharing cause it made me not only happy but powerful too.
You know how people delete texts, pictures and burn memories after breaking up? Well I had been going through a low for a few months now with exams approaching in two months.
I was telling a friend who was very close to me about my feelings and how I cannot manage to get out of it. This bitch told me and I quote- "I know I sound like a bitch but just don't indulge in such feelings" and there goes me crying after the call ends. I wish she didn't tell me that.
She has said/done a few things to piss me off and the last string was me wanting to actually self harm again after like years.
I decided today that I'm done. I'll hardly interact with her and I'm gonna unstar all of our texts which remind me of a bittersweet time and pictures of us. I don't need a friend like her, I may not be strong right now, but I'm strong enough to cut ties with a person who is the reason I hate myself more. | teenagers |
I am a 15 year old kid who is seeing my dad getting a notice that wants him to go to immigration court
I have a full family mom and brother and my dad I love them all but I know if we go to court we would most likely get separated and I’m scared we don’t have a lawyer and if my dad doesn’t go to court he could go to jail and I still lose because I would still be separated from my family and would be on adoption the court date is tomorrow only me and my dad are going to court I don’t know if I should just kill myself before anything happens | SuicideWatch |
Ok so don’t laugh at me but I need help deciding between these two Christmas lights in Minecraft. I’ve honestly been at it for 3 fucking hours. PLEASE help me decide because I can’t take this anymore lol
Just decide for me, 1 or 2?
https://imgur.com/a/tEs3ELN | teenagers |
Posting on reddit until I get a girlfriend in real life #136 Day 1: I know this isn’t the most creative thing to do here, but I have never been in any sort of relationship and hoped I could get some advice from you redditors. This might take over a year or more to do before I either get one or give up, but good luck future me I guess...
Day 2: No
Day 3: Any tips on how I should hit up my crush?
Day 4: Thinking about messaging her and saying hey to get a conversation started but I have to work up the nerves to do it
Day 5: Love it when I have no internet for online school
Day 6: Beep Boop
Day 7: I think I might wait to try anything until this whole global pandemic thing slows down. It’s been a week and Ill Ive done is realize how boring I am with these posts lol. Probably wouldnt be thinking about this so much if soccer season wasnt cancelled... Anyway, beep boop bye boys. That was a lot of writing...
Day 8: I DID IT GUYS! I TALKED TO A GIRL! Jk no I didnt lol
Day 9: Yes this is day 9.
Day 10: After 10 days, my preditction for how long this will go on is... idk fucking forever
Day 11: I tried starting a conversation with my crush on snapchat and she didnt even open it :(
Day 12: Last night she responded to my snap message from 2 days ago and now we might have a streak
Day 13: I am bored today no news lads
Day 14: We dont talk about day 14
Day 15: I have acquired a 4 day streak with my crush and I rly want to talk to her but my scaredness is overtaking my temptation
Day 16: Nothing happened today
Day 17: When you cant stop thinking about a person is not an epic gamer moment, especially cuz we’re stuck at home and cant do anything about it. i want this to be over already so i can try to talk to her.
Day 18: Hi again guys and gals
Day 19: Dont worry Im just passin’ by you sorting by new
Day 20: Woohoo day 20! I tried to talk to her... i snapped her and said hey but she didnt even open it i guess she dont care. that was last night too.
Day 21: Now beginning to realize that this has the potential to take years
Day 22: Just passing by your feed for the day hope you guys are doing well :)
Day 23: Hello
Day 24: Hello #2
Day 25: How are you guys doing today?
Day 26: If I was a news network, I would be bankrupt because I have no news
Day 27: Helloooo
Day 28: I want someone to talk to lol
Day 29: Hello #3
Day 30: Hooray day 30 only like 2 more years to go
Day 31: Im pretty much giving up on talking to girls online so im gonna wait until school starts in the fall and start trying there, so the minimum for this chain of posts in probably like 150.
Day 32: I officially give up... for now
Day 33: 333333
Day 34: technically its actually day ((9(4)+8)/2)+(3(4))
Day 35: Life huh
Day 36: So glad I finally have someone to talk to here on reddit
Day 37: Today’s date is April 28th
Day 38: I almost have 20 followers from doing this like what
Day 39: Its getting harder to remember to post
Day 40: A new milestone aha
Day 41: shit wack
Day 42: Bing bong your opinion is wrong
Day 43: What videogames do you guys play
Day 44: Badabadabada babaaa badabadaba badabaaaaaaaa
Day 45: Whats ur favorite color
Day 46: Day 40 feels like yesterday wth
Day 47: Ice cream yum yum
Day 48: Im posting this at 4:20
Day 49: Ok, so like, um, haha, maybe?
Day 50: Ah, day fifty. You know, I heard that a girl doesn’t want you if they don’t text you first. And guess what happened today....
Nobody texted me I don’t think a girl has ever texted me first now that I think about it
Day 51: I looked at the mirror today and I was like damn i look sexy ahahaha
Day 52: egg
Day 53: Tomorrow’s my last day of online school yerrrrrrr - Also I have somehow now gained 32 reddit followers from doing this shit
Day 54: Shablam shazam
Day 55: Dos rosquillas por favor
Day 56: Is it just me or do the colors purple and turquoise go perfectly together
Day 57: Hangin out with my friend shut up stupid i dont care
Day 58:
Day 59: B
Day 60: I
Day 61: N
Day 62: G
Day 63:
Day 64: The days are beginning to feel shorter and faster...
Day 65: holy hell
Day 66: But you gotta fall back from doing all that extra Why you dancin wit the devil
Day 67: Im the definition of a bandit
Day 68: Idk why bro but i cant get over her even though i only barely ever see her on sc... today was her birthday and i said happy birthday she said thank you.. im ranting but tomorrow eh? nice.
Day 69: Self explanatory joke please leave your laughs in the comments.
Day 70: I accidentally flushed one of my airpods down the toilet when it fell off so now I only have one airpod. it sucks and im sad and then im even more sad bc i realize that having one airpod is this big of a problem to me
Day 71: big sad?
Day 72: Hooga Badooga Googa
Day 73: The internet ruined me
Day 74: I dont want my depression to come back but today I felt it for the first time in a while...
Day 75: Nononononono I changed this one
Day 76: Summer is cool and all, looking at snapchat stories of all the people you know hanging out with each other while sitting in bed alone
Day 77: Hung out with friends today, UNO reverse card ()()()
Day 78: Bliggle ba giggle diggle
Day 79: Have you ever put butter on a poptart... It’s so frickin good... Have you ever put butter on a poptart... If you haven’t then I think you should
Day 80: •_•
Day 81: He just gon’ throw shots at you before he throw subliminals
Day 82: mBeebopmSkeetleebebopmDopm
Day 83: You a lame, you aint gang, so I cant hang with ya
Day 84: He haw he haw
Day 85: I have 78 followers because of this. 78.
Day 86: RipCity?
Day 87: Salmon, rice, mango
Day 88: Yall ever just E E E E
Day 89: xue hua piao piao bei feng xiao xiao
Day 90: Just mixed the Bape with the Simons, my bad
Day 91: There are two types of lonely people. Those that are lonely by choice, and those that are lonely due to circumstances. And I don’t know which one I am.
Day 92: I want to kill myself. I hate my family I hate everyone nothing is good I want to die
Day 93: I think Im bipolar. I either feel very happy or very sad and I think these posts are kinda proof of that. I try my best to stay happy but its hard a lot of the time. Anyway, IgotblackIgotwhitewatchuwant
Day 94: Im gonna start rating my day out of ten on here. Today was a 9/10
Day 95: 4/10
Day 96: 8/10
Day 97: 8/10
Day 98: hmmmm 7/10
Day 99: 9/10 also tomorrow is a big day for this series of posts
Day 100: Wow um okay that went fast. I feel like for today I should give some sort of little update or speech kinda thing. So basically, I kind of have a crush right now but I dont know if I want to pursue her its complicated. Right now its summer break so imma wait til school starts again to try for real again. I can actually talk to girls in person cuz they dont talk to me online lol. I dont know how long this series will go but I will try to post every day until it happens. As of right now my confidence in finding a girlfriend is very low. I dont know how long this is gonna take but probably quite awhile. All I want is for someone to love me for me and a girl that I can share my feelings with, since right now I dont have a person to do that with. I want to lose my virginity, but before that I want to have my first real kiss, or before that even, I want to hold hands or hug a girl. I live a lonely life. Dont be me.
Day 101: Egg penis
Day 102: hooga badooga gag
Day 103: Gooba
Day 104: I havent had a conversation with a girl online or in person since March. (•_•)
Day 105: Blippa blop i guess but like its the 4th of July i guess
Day 106: My copy is ready for pasta
Day 107: Do I even want a girlfriend tho
Day 108: I mean like kinda
Day 109: You dont want no problems at ur party dont invite me ahahaaahaha jk i dont get invited to things ahahaa
Day 110: just another post for my 120 followers to enjoy
Day 111: 111 111 111 111 111 111 111 111
Day 112: I am on vacation ^u^
Days 113: Yeah going on vacation is cool but have you guys tried sex? ... me neither
Day 114: I dont understand how like literally the ugliest people can be in relationships but like Ive never been close to having one
Day 115: Today I went on a 7.5 mile hike up to the top of a mountain and it was really cool
Day 116: Last day of vacation :( 10 hour drive back tomorrow so sad so saddd
Day 117: Sad pony
Day 118: Stop telling me this wont work its not supposed to work its just something fun to do until I get a girlfriend
Day 119: So da salamilid aint gon fit (wont fit) and the salami (lami lid) wont fit like dat
Day 120: Ive been doing this for 4 months now
Day 121: Im posting this at 3:20 am cuz why not lol
Day 122: I am sad right now
Day 123: Looolalooloooladeedadaloodaleeleeda
Day 124: IMPORTANT READ THIS - So a lot of you guys are telling me that posting on reddit wont get me a girlfriend. Obviously it wont. If I do ever get a girlfriend I would want it to be a girl at my high school that I know, not some random girl I meet on reddit. Remember, I am doing this for fun, I am not even close to getting a girlfriend. I dont have a crush, and I dont really have any friends that are girls. So... with all that said, The salami lid aint gon fit like dat.
Day 125: I am 62.5% of the way to 200 days
Day 126: If any of you are wondering if Ive ever tried to ask a girl out before, I kinda have. The summer before my freshman year I confessed to my crush who I had talked to a lot over about a year and a half. I got friendzoned pretty badly, and kinda gave up with girls for like at least 2 years until I started this
Day 127: Hello to my 144 followers
Day 128: Drop yo Xbox names and what games you play
Day 129: Happytime
Day 130: I dont know what to say its 4 am
Day 131: Dont fire me plz
Day 132: Does having an e-girlfriend count as having a girlfriend
Day 133: Important update post coming tomorrow
Day 134: Guys, I did it (kinda?) i met a girl on reddit and she is my e-girlfriend. Im still gonna post this, however, the new title will be “Posting on reddit until I get a real life girlfriend” from now on. Hah fuck all you ppl that said u cant meet pppl on reddit
Day 135: I feel uncomfortable posting this now
Day 136: Confusion | teenagers |
I failed Nnn but should I continue anyways I wonder if theres no point but should i try my best to continue anyways | teenagers |
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