Peyton Manning is now a free agent, and while many teams do not have an apparent need at quarterback, every team has something to gain by acquiring one of the best players in N.F.L. history.  Here is a look at what will happen if Manning takes his talents to your favorite team:

ARIZONA CARDINALS Manning Cardinals jerseys, manufactured out of recycled, shredded Kevin Kolb jerseys, roll off production lines self-aware that they are destined to be worn ironically in 10 years. 

ATLANTA FALCONS Mike Smith is thrilled to have someone who can call an audible when he goes crazy and starts going for it on every fourth down. 

BALTIMORE RAVENS Manning arrives in a Mayflower moving van, jogging the memories of older fans.  He then announces that he already knows all of the Ravens’ plays. “ It was no big deal,” he says. “ There are only, like, six of them.” 

BUFFALO BILLS Manning gets a 94 percent ownership stake in the team, commercial fishing rights in the Niagara River and a six-month supply of chicken wings in lieu of a signing bonus.