Ramblings, a salve for any hurts

Tag

reflection

I am impressed when I started my laptop tonight.  Although I had not started my blog in a (pathetic) attempt to attract followers, I am pleasantly surprised to find my blog attracting a few followers.  Admittedly, it is few, but it is both surprise and encouragement.  I wonder which of my few posts attract you?  Or mayhap you are one of those kind souls who followed new bloggers as encouragement?  No matter, you have my thanks. 

So I wonder what to write about today.  No pressure.  I mean, I don’t have a schedule.  But a habit certainly is in the process of being formed.  I like rambling, well, usually I do that orally.  But then, people may not want to listen to someone rambling.  They like a CONVERSATION and that means that both sides have to listen.  Because of that, I decided to ramble online.  Sorry for that, no, I am not. 

Of course Rambles is not my name.  But I still need an identity online, right?  So I decided since I am going to be rambling on and on about topics that interests me, I am going to name myself Rambles.  Nice, short and easy to remember.  I tried several names over several blogs which I then closed but none of them is appropriate.  I always felt as though I am contained and restrained by the name.  However Rambles does not suggest anything, does it?  I don’t think so, so I can use this blog as a place to speak about anything I like. 

I also do not link this blog to my Facebook account (yes, I have one) as I want to have this blog separate from my real life friends.  I mean, I am going to post things that are very personal.  Somehow, it doesn’t feel so difficult when you know that your posts are read by strangers who may never know who you are.  I think that is because I am so afraid of being judged.  I don’t mind being judged by strangers because you can’t ever say cutting criticisms to my face, nor can you look at me with a knowing look.  I think I would probably keel over with embarrassment if this blog is read by my friends and families.  Therefore, I will endeavor to leave everything that points to my real world identity out in my posts, which is a bit hard if you are talking about yourself though. 

Where was I?  Ah, right, talking about myself.  Another thing I found out about myself.  When I write, I always seem to be writing a conversation with someone.  Is it annoying to readers?  I have never done that, until now that is.  It seems to be a side-effect of getting enthusiastic about blogging.  I don’t know, maybe I should try to make it less conversational?  Well, we will see.  Later. 

Now, as the title of the post itself suggests, this is just a post of my ramblings.  Unhappy?  Then don’t read it.  Just that easy.  I am not blogging to entertain others, just to entertain myself.  And get a load off my chest in the process. 

Life is funny in a sense.  I have an important exam tomorrow but I am sitting here typing away on family relations. 

Have you ever seen a marriage break up?  I am sure many people would have seen that happened, either to friends, colleagues or family itself.  I have seen one break up over a long period of time.  Of course I didn’t realize it at first.  But then, one day, it is right there staring at you in the face. 

From my earliest memory, there has always been arguments.  Nothing serious, just a few heated sentences, things like that.  Then they grew apart.  Aloof.  Like strangers in a house.  My sister and I, well, we learn to stay out of their arguments.  We are, after all, ‘too young’ and ‘just children’.  But we would watched, with dread, whenever there seems to be an argument brewing.  It is always over little things, things that will get us scolded if we quarreled over. 

I guess that is why I grew more brazen.  I had always liked to hide out in the magical worlds of the books.  Whenever they starts, I will pick a book and ignored them.  But my sister cannot or does not want to be so completely immersed within a book that she lost track of the real world.  Hence, she was afraid.  I, for my part, don’t care as long as they don’t affect me too much. 

You know, it is funny.  When I finally realized what is actually happening (I am in my teens), I realized that there had been many signs along the way but I just chose to ignore them.  I cloaked myself in an illusion that we are a happy family.  I couldn’t be more wrong. 

My father, for the lack of a suitable word, is a redneck.  He likes his liquor but doesn’t drink in front of us.  Well, only rarely.  He could not hold any job for long, usually he will leave or be fired in two years time.  Then he found a job where he stayed at the hostel with the weekends and Wednesdays free. 

Well, it is a job and we don’t begrudge him that.  But it hurts when he failed to come back home when he had his free days.  He always have tons of excuses: my work is not yet finished, we have an activity this weekend, XXX asked to change his free day with me, etc,etc. 

He didn’t want to spend his time with us, fine.  We coped with it, we found new things to fill our time with, without him.  But my mother was bitter, and increasingly so.  She has the right to be bitter. 

She is a teacher but my father treated her as though she doesn’t have a shred of knowledge.  She also has her suspicions of him cheating on her with his various female colleagues and even with the maid.  Why else would the maid write to ask for money after she went back to her country?  Reasonable suspicions I think. 

It isn’t nice to think that way about your parent no matter how much you feel that way.  I know and I am trying my best.  But honestly?  I sometimes felt that it would be better if my mother had asked for a divorce.  I might have protested when I am younger, but not in the last four years.  As my sister and I grow older, we find it hard to deal with his patronizing attitude.  More often than not, we would looked at each other significantly, knowing that the other meant the same thing as I did: Here he goes again without thinking that he is certainly not the role model he is! 

You know, I think my mother was thinking about getting a divorce now that we are old enough to comprehend things and rationalize them.  She once spoke about looking for another nice, young man with my aunt (from my father’s side) and she agreed with my mum, although she looked uncomfortable discussing in front of my sister and I. I would not have protest.  I would have agree and asked to stay with my mother.  I think that my sister probably felt that same way. 

But then, disaster struck.  Four days after a particular vicious argument, he was downed by a stroke brought on by high blood sugar levels due to frequent drinks of 100 Plus.  My mother was pushed to near insanity.  As the stroke was minor, many relatives and friends were able to come and visit.  It doesn’t do us any good.  It is just another demand on our time, of which there is precious few. 

For my mother, she had her job, us, my father and the bills to worry about.  To make matters worse, we had just signed a contract for a house, meaning legal formalities.  My sister and I were both embroiled with our individual battles against exams and can spare little time if we want to do good.  As for the divorce, it just sank below sight and out of minds. 

Now, he is better and doesn’t requires much help any more.  But he is still unbearable at times.  We doesn’t feel comfortable with him in the house. 

I guess it is easy to grow apart, but much more difficult to grow close to someone.