"Your waitress just went on break, and I'm just someone who likes dressing like a polyester hot dog, so I'll take that whenever you're ready." " There you go." " No rush." " Okay, Mr. Rajeev Guttikonda." " I have to say, that's a pretty Gutti scheme you got going there, but I Guttikonda don't believe it." " Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying there?" " What am I saying there, Boston?" " I'm saying I believe you watched Slumdog Millionaire on a sticky couch in your mom's basement, but I'm not buying that you're Indian." " So take your fake, East Boston, Indian accent out of here, or I'll call the cops." " Dude, stolen credit card, and you choose to eat here?" " That's the real crime." " Hey, Rajeev." " Rajeev, my man." " Rajeev Gudikanda." " You know what?" " This one's on me." " I have trust issues." "( Peter Bjorn and John) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh" "♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪" "Season 3, Episode 5 "And the Cronuts"" "That's weird." " We still have three Red Velvets left." " I guess that bulimic girl didn't come in today." " No, she's here." " She's in the bathroom." " Hmm, if I save these for her, would that be helping or hurting?" " Hey, everybody." " Speaking of hurting, here comes a pain in my ass." " Han, do you want the last Red Velvet?" " The other two are for the bulimic girl." " I made the call." " No more cupcakes for me." " I've been on a juice cleanse for six days." " Han's on the prowl, and I got to keep this body tight, son." " I'm in the dating pool, you know." " Yeah, the shallow end." " You know those cleanses never work, right?" " Really?" " Then how do you explain this?" " I don't know." " Am I supposed to rub it and make a wish?" " Not bad for having three kids, Han." " What?" " You don't see my abs coming in?" " I see one large ab coming in." " That's at least a two-pack." " Han, the real Tupac is more alive than your two-pack." " I'm gonna give this last cupcake away as a free sample." " My promotional tweets haven't been getting much love lately." " What'd you say?" " I black out whenever you use work words." " All I said was "promotional tweets" and "sample."" " What?" " Here you go, ladies, a Max's homemade cupcake on the house." " Nah, I'm cool." " I'm saving my calories for one of those fabulous new cronuts." " Plus, cupcakes are so over." " Well, so is blossom, but..." "It didn't stop you from wearing that outfit." "  Those flower power skanks over there..." " "Flower Power skanks."" " See, these are words I recognize and hear." " Anyway, she said she only cares about cronuts and that cupcakes are over." "  Cupcakes are classic, right?" "  Don't listen to them." " They're wearing high-waisted jeans." " The only time I like seeing women's jeans that high is when I'm giving Han a wedgie." " Also, what's a cronut?" " Cronut is what we called my Croatian cousin with one testicle." " He hung himself." " Okay, well, in America, it's a half-croissant, half-doughnut." " They're on the news, Twitter, Instagram." " People can't stop talking about them." " If cronuts had tongues, they'd be the Miley Cyrus of pastries." " You're right." " They sound stupid." " Stupid delicious." " Where can I get one?" " You can only get them at this one pastry shop in Soho, and people start lining up at 4:00 a.m." "Boy, times do change." " Back in the day, 4:00 a.m. was when people would snort lines, not stand in 'em." " Who has the time to wait in line all day for a piece of lame pastry?" " Hey, everyone." " I got a cronut." " I waited in line for two whole days." " Sophie, you bought into the hype too?" " Oh, come on, you know your girl Sophie is always on trend." " I was the first one wearing crocs." " I brought the crocs craze to America." " When I was rich, I sent 10,000 pairs of crocs to children in Africa." " Why, to make them less cool?" " Look, girls, here I am in the cronut line." " And here I am still in line." " Oh, and... oh, and here I am riding a baby elephant." " And here I am eating a cronut." " Max, as stupid as it is, we've got to go over there." " We need to figure out what they have that we don't." " Oh, I'll tell you what they have." " Cronuts." " Oh, my god." " Look at this line." " I knew we should have gotten here sooner, but, no, I had to be a good person," "I had to carry that torso man on the skateboard up the subway stairs." " All this is for a croissant and a doughnut?" " Those things already existed." " Where was all the fanfare when I combined the sleeping pill with the morning after pill and called it the "sleep-through- the-morning-after" pill?" " How did these things get so popular?" " There's no science to this trend stuff." " It's all decided by one bitchy gay guy typing in his room, making it all up." " Well, then we have to do some trend research." " We've got to figure out how to make Max's homemade cupcakes the next cronuts." " I hate all these stupid trends." " Cleanses, cronuts, condoms..." "Excuse me, sir," "My name's Caroline." " I'm a trend researcher." " I'm Chuck." " I sell magnets." " What made you want to spend an entire day in line for cronuts?" " I like croissants." " I like doughnuts." " I'm a fat guy." " It all adds up." " That's true." " You are a fat guy." " And there's a doughnut shop right across the street." " So why don't you just stop there, get a damn doughnut, and save yourself the last 200 possibly life-threatening steps to here?" " Look, it's two things I like put together." " End of story." " That's it, Max." " It's the two things together." " One thing isn't enough anymore." " Yeah, that's why Oleg's cousin hung himself." " I'm serious." " When's the last time you did just one thing?" " Like, watch a movie without playing a game on your phone?" " Magic Mike." " Wait, does playing with yourself count?" " Come on, let's get to the end of the line." " End of the line...?" " That's for rookies." " I'm a line pro." " My mom and I waited in line for food stamps, Bob Seger lawn seats..." "We spent a Saturday in the "guns for cash" line." " Now that's a line you don't want to cut in." " Follow my lead." " Hey, man, cronut line." " What do you want to do after this?" " Okay, all right, all right." " Back of the line." " Everybody relax." " Guess my mom being topless had more to do with my line skills than I thought." " Oh, great." " Look at the cronut line." " I told you we should have left sooner, but, no, you said we had to stay at temple." " You're the rabbi." " Yeah, a career I was forced into because someone wanted to write his memoir." " We get it, Garry." " You're adopted." " Move up, hon." " You gotta fill the gap." " I would if you would stop trying to fill my gap." " What difference does it make?" " You're still gonna have the same amount of time to wait." " And then, in 30 years, we're all gonna die from Wi-Fi cancer." " Okay, let's all just take a breath." " It looks like we're gonna be here for a while." " You know what?" " You're right." " Hi, I'm Jerri." "  And I'm Garry." "  I'm Jerri, he's Garry." " I'm tall, he's small." " Cute, right?" " That's our thing." " I'm Caroline, and this is Max." " That's it." " We don't have a thing." "  So what drew you here today?" "  Oh, well, we're trend-chasers." " When something new hits, we are on it" " ..." "like sea salt on dark chocolate." "  Hmm." " We did pinkberry, dippin' dots, kale, quinoa, Kombucha..." "All the ka's." " Just 'cause." " Can you tell we don't have kids?" "  She couldn't." "  Garry!" " Actually, it's true, and you can read all about it in his memoir." " It's called..." "You know what?" " Jerri, Garry." " I think we got too close too soon." " Maybe we need a little space." " We got to move up in line to get away from these people." " Should I just take my top off?" "  Next in line." "  It happened!" "  We made it to the front of the line!" "  We're the front people!" " Yeah, we're the front people!" " Back people suck!" " No, no, I said "back people," "back people."" " Baruch Hashem." " We loved The Butler." " You know, we've been through a lot." " Tempers flared, things were said." " I'm fairly certain that Dutch guy back there died." " But we made it, and you guys are good people." " The sea salt of the earth." "  Who's next?" "  We are." " I can only take a party of two." " Are all four of you together?" "  Nope." "  We don't know them." "  Guys...?" "  Cut 'em loose, Gar." " All sold out." " We're closed." " I know you're driven mad with the power of being a doorman at a bakery, but come on!" " Max, you know what I want more than anything?" " To kill Jerri and Garry?" " 'Cause I'm totally on board." " No, I want our business to have a line." " I want to sell out." " I want people to turn against each other for our product." " Again, I could just take my top off." " I know, and thank you." " We have that in our back pocket." " But I have an idea we can try first." " I'm gonna use work words now, so listen up, skank." " I'm listening." " I read in The Wall Street Journal that there's a whole black market for cronuts on Craigslist." " Craigslist?" " Oh, no." " I don't want one bad enough to let some guy lick my armpit for an hour again." " They're not for us." " We'll sell them at our window, just to attract attention, and then, when they sell out, we'll effortlessly switch to cupcakes." " Classic bake and switch." " All that work for some stupid fad?" " I said "fad."" " We loved "Behind the Candelabra"." " Try texting him again." " He's 15 minutes late." " You're really surprised that a guy reselling pastries in the "Rants and Raves" section of Craigslist isn't the punctual type?" " This is so exciting." " I've never bought anything on the black market before." " I'm still afraid to go to that Filipino market around the corner." " Are you the guy?" " I don't know." " Are you the girl?" " So far, this musical sucks." "  What's the password?" "  Cronut." " Was "1234" already taken?" " Meet us by the door." " Which is code for, "Meet us by the door."" " Which is code for, "You're really bad at code."" " Okay, let's talk about our plan." " It's a classic good cop/bad cop." " I'm gonna ask the guy for ten cronuts, and he's gonna quote me 250." " Right, then I play bad cop and act outraged." " And then I play good cop, and we settle at 200." " Yeah, and don't worry about me." " I'll improve some good stuff on the spot." " Are you sure you don't want to run it by me first?" " I was in an improve group at Wharton." " We were called "The fun percent."" " And I can imagine myself not laughing with 99% of the audience." " Let's make it quick." " You're not the only girls in town who want my nuts!" " I assume you mean cronuts." " No, I'm also a male prostitute." " Let's see the product." " She meant the other baked goods." " You got to be clear." " Pretty maids, all in a row." " Let mama get a taste." " That's pure." " How much for ten?" " I know I said 250 earlier, but..." "Bullcrap!" " 150 or we walk, bitch!" " Okay, let's all just calm down." " It's a really good deal, Max." " How about we settle at 200 and call it a night?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " About that." " I be getting mad offers for these things tonight." " I actually got to raise it to 300, or I walk." " Bitch." " Ooh, ow, ow, ooh, your hands are cold." " What'd you call me?" "  Nothing." "  That's what I thought." " She said 200." " We'll pay 200." " And you'll take it." " You'll shove it in this hanes her way hoodie you're wearing, you'll say, "Thank you, Max" and you'll hit the bricks, capisce?" " Caroline, cash." "  Thank you, Max." "  What'd you say?" " Thank you, Max!" " I've got the chills now." " Do you guys serve tea?" " How's that for bad cop?" " Riveting." " I felt like I was watching Bakery edition." " Okay, here we go." " This is the last one." " You want this cronut?" " Lift up your shirt and let me see 'em." " Go get Han." " I want to show him what an ab is." " Max, you should see the line." " It's halfway down the block." "  We have a line." " It's working." "  But what's gonna happen now?" " I worked at Target the Christmas, they ran out of Tickle me Elmo, and... there was so much blood." " As planned, we'll just calmly switch to our delicious cupcakes, and then those'll sell out too because they're that good." " Okay." " Attention, everyone." " Everyone, can I have your attention?" " Actually, we are very sorry, but we are now sold out of cronuts." " We do, however, have something even better..." "Max's homemade cupcakes." " All right, go!" " Leave." " Chase your stupid trends." " But we're not worried!" " Cupcakes are classic!" " We're Audrey Hepburn!" " Max, cupcakes are over." " And you know why?" " Because cupcakes are just one thing." " If we had two things, then we'd be something." " That does it." " I'm calling the dealer." " I don't think we should order more cronuts." " Oh, no, I mean my drug dealer." " I need to take the edge off." " This sucks." " I feel worse about myself than I did when I dropped the torso man." "  What are you doing with those fries?" "  I'm dipping 'em in frosting." " I do it when I'm depressed." " I went right from baby food into fries in frosting." " Is it good?" " It looks disgusting." " It is both." " Just taste it." " These are pretty good." " Sweet and salty." " Cupcakes and fries." " That's two things." " Cake fries." " We're millionaires." " My willingness to eat anything finally pays off!" " Wait, are you sure it's not just us being desperate?" " Like, when Adam Levine made that music video in Brooklyn and you walked past the set all day in a wet tank top?" " It can't hurt to put them out there." " That's what you said that day too." "  Just sit down for a second, Han." "  But this is the middle of a shift." " I'm gonna tell everyone you're in the middle of a male-to-female shift if you don't sit down." " All right." " You are here tonight to taste the next big thing." " Okay, now you're just repeating my pick-up lines back to me." " No, it's a new dessert, and we've assembled the perfect focus group..." "A black man, a pig, and a health fanatic." " Y'all know who you are." " I suppose I have been trying to eat better lately." " Hey, extra, extra!" " Read all about it!" " I'm bisexual now!" " Oh, perfect, now we have the LGBTQ community represented." "  What's the "Q"?" "  Questioning." " And answered." " Hey, everybody." " Meet Veronica." " She's cute, she's black, she has short blonde hair, she's exciting." "  And we met in Soul Cycle class." "  Yes, we did." " I slipped in her sweat and she bought me a Luna bar." " Now?" " Now you're bisexual?" " Well, yeah, you got to keep up with the trends." " Okay, focus group." " Let's focus." " This is our new product, called Cake Fries." " Cute, right?" " You just take a fry from the left side, dip it into the cupcake frosting on the right, and enjoy your sweet, yet savory dessert." " Is this woman seriously trying to teach me how to eat food?" " Oh, no, this looks very fattening, and I've been on a fast." "  One lick isn't going to kill you." "  Yeah, just ask Sophie." " Okay, one bite." " Now I don't want any of you to hold back." " Be completely honest in your criticism." "  Well, I feel like..." " Shut up, Han." " No, I was gonna say this is very good." " Too good." " Uh-oh, look away, girls." " You've released the Kraken." " Damn." " That is tasty." " Now you may have given me diabetes, as I have just lost the feeling in my left foot." " You know what, I think I might be trisexual, because I'm having a love affair with these cake fries." " Oh, my gosh, this is gross." " And it's very messy." " Oh, come on, then what was earlier?" " Okay, everyone, this is all very helpful." " We're still working some things out." " Uh-oh." " My tummy feels funny." " You mean your ab is hurting?" " Han, your first food in a week probably shouldn't have been a fistful of fries and frosting." " You know what, guys?" " We've all worked hard today." "  Let's call it a night." "  But it's only 9:00." " Pardon me." " Excuse me." " Uh-oh." " You don't want to see that..." "Look out!" " Move it." " Move it or lose it." " Move it or I lose it." " Out of way, out of my way now!" " Oh, dear..." "This is more embarrassing than when Han fell asleep and Oleg drew a penis on his face." " I traced that penis on his face." " Now you dip the fries in the frosting, but I find the best way to eat this is to first make sure you feel super empty inside." " Not gonna be a problem." " These are adorable." " Could you please take a picture of me with it?" " It's so cute." " And make sure you hashtag that picture" ""Max's homemade cake fries" when you post it online." " A sad girl smiling with our cake fries." " Once that hits iVillage, we'll be knee-deep in canvas totes and cankles." " Here you go!" " Sorry, that was our last cake fries." " We'll have more tomorrow." "  Wait." " We sold out?" "  We sold out!" " Oh, my god!" " We sold out!" " Yes!" " I'm a sell-out!" " Let's buy a helicopter!" " Hi, girls." " Oh, hey, Sophie." " We're sorry, but we just ran out of cake fries." " Oh, that's fine by me." " I'm going back to the basics." " Cupcakes and penis." " Here's your cupcake." " We don't sell the other basic." " Mm..." "You know, it's nice to eat something you don't have to compliment every five minutes." " You know what, Max?" " Cupcakes, cronuts, cake fries, whatever." " We're gonna be successful because we have the two things that really matter..." "You and me." " We're kinda like cake fries." " I mean, salty and sweet." "  I'm sweet..." " And I've been assaulted."