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About duncan

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This booklet is all about us, having healthy relationships, and what we can do when things go wrong. 

Queer
A reclaimed word that represents sexuality and gender diversity.  We use it to encompass lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, fa’afafine, and takatāpui identities, as well as everyone in between and not sure.  This word is used by many people, but it is also appreciated that it is not the preferred term for everybody. 

Trans*
The word ‘trans*’ is used as an umbrella term for gender-diverse people, including transgender, tangata ira tane, FtM, MtF, transsexual, fa’afafine, whakawahine, transmen, transwomen, akava’ine, leiti, genderqueer and gender-neutral people, and many others. 

Takatāpui

A traditional Māori term that means ‘intimate partner of the same sex’.  We use it to encompass all Māori who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, intersex and queer. 

Check out the back pages of this booklet for contact details of awesome organisations you can ask about relationships, sex, violence, abuse, getting help and heaps of other things! 

They have information, people waiting to talk to you, and can help when you don’t know what to do next. 

From one-night stands to longer-term intimate relationships, with one or multiple partners, our relationships with friends, whānau and lovers are a big part of our lives. 

This booklet is for those of us who are in (or want to be in) same-sex or queer relationships. 

Knowing how to create and maintain good relationships is something we all want, but also it’s important to know when and how to ask for help, and how to support people we care about around their relationships. 

Having good relationships can be difficult, especially when we don’t have healthy role models to learn from. 

Bad relationships can lead to things we don’t want or enjoy, like feeling sad or lonely, or becoming depressed – and even harmful behaviours such as control, abuse, and physical or sexual violence. 

Healthy relationships help us to feel safe, celebrated, appreciated, loved, trusted and respected.  Being able to create and maintain healthy relationships helps us to have a happy, fulfilling life. 

Learning how to have healthy relationships is something we do our whole life.  If we don’t have good queer role models growing up, learning how to have a healthy relationship is something we often do together in the relationship. 

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.  Compromises and negotiation are part of all relationships.  It’s normal to disagree in a healthy relationship, and being able to disagree can help your relationship strengthen and grow. 

Being respectful of each other through arguments or disagreements is a sign of a healthy relationship. 

People who are in healthy intimate relationships are able to say things like:

I can be myself and say what I think. 

I can say no to sex, and it’s ok. 

We work things out together. 

We respect and care for each other. 

We have fun, but I have space for my- self too. 

My feelings and decisions are OK, even when they differ from my partners. 

“Great relationships are woven from strands of laughter, thoughtfulness and shared experience to create a taonga of trust, respect and intimacy – not work but a labour of love”

Have fun!  Laughing with those who share your values and sense of humour never gets old. 

Pay attention to details; how their cultural/spiritual beliefs play out, what comfort food they need in times of stress, how their body moves when you touch them, what inspires their passion. 

Don’t expect them to read your mind; share your thoughts and feelings and ask questions to make sure you under- stand theirs. 

Support their interests, commit to your own and make shared goals; you don’t have to agree on everything or be together all the time to consider a shared future. 

Be sure they are worthy of your respect and you are worthy of theirs; that will last long after the lust settles down. 

Negotiate rather than compromise; fit in everything important to each of you – involuntary sacrifice and martyrdom only leads to resentment. 

Be your best self in private as well as in public; relaxing shouldn’t mean saving up all your stress and grumpiness for them to make you feel better. 

Throwing tantrums and fighting is not flash: there can’t be a fight if one of you doesn’t join in – you’ll get to the real issues and peaceful solutions only when you’ve calmed down. 

Take responsibility for sorting out your own issues; your up-bringing and any childhood abuse impacts on your intimate relationships – they shouldn’t have to suffer for it. 

Remember they had a life before you; be proud of sharing your new love with the whānau, family and friends who already love them. 

Elizabeth Kerekere (left) with her partner Alofa Aiono

￼Elizabeth (left) with her partner Alofa Aiono – since 1992 and counting…

Elizabeth has over 30 years of experience working within Māori and other community organisations.  She has been active in rainbow communities for over 20 years, with a focus on the health and wellbeing of Takatā

Consent is about everyone involved giving and receiving an enthusiastic “YES!”  Giving and receiving consent can start with questions like:

“So… what would you like to do?” 

“Are you sure this feels good?” 

No matter what you like to do in the bedroom (or elsewhere!),  sex should feel good in your mind and body, and be a positive experience. 

Be aware of your expectations of having sex and whether they match your sex partner(s).  Are you looking for something casual or just a one-off encounter or are you looking for something more serious to you, such as, a long-term or monogamous relationship? 

Talking about what you want to do sexually, with who you want to do it with, and giving and receiving consent, is the first step to having a good time! 

Consent

Lots of people have trouble saying ‘No’ outright.  When asking for consent, watch out for signs they don’t want to, such as saying things like “I’m not sure…”, or body language like staying silent, moving away or putting clothes on. 

Consent can also be withdrawn at any time.  Watch out for words like “Stop”, “Not there”, “Ouch”. 

People can say no or change their minds during sex, and may not be able to explain why.  This is OK, respect their decision and move on. 

Abuse doesn’t just happen in intimate relationships, it can happen between friends or whānau too.  You have the same right to be happy and safe in these relationships.  The organisations listed in this booklet are here to listen and help. 

Sometimes, we’re just a little unsure what is or isn’t acceptable behaviour in a relationship.  Talking with a friend or whānau member you trust can help figure it out. 

Relationships don’t only happen behind closed doors, and it is OK to talk about and share details of your relationship with someone you trust. 

Asking a support organisation or someone you trust for help is the first step towards building a healthier relationship.  You don’t need to leave a relationship that can be abusive to ask for help, or even want to leave. 

There are many community organisations who provide free confidential services that you can talk to and get information from.  They are happy to help if you just want to chat, or if you need specific advice on how to protect yourself from abuse. 

Sometimes the first person we tell about an abusive situation may not be able to help.  Remember that you deserve to be supported, keep asking people you trust and organisations that can help until you receive the help and support you need. 

If someone you are in a relationship with doesn’t want to you talk about your relationship, or stops you talking about your relationship with others, they are being abusive. 

In an Emergency

If you believe you are in immediate physical danger, dial 111 and ask for the Police. 

If you are worried about the mental wellbeing or physical safety of a friend, co-worker or member of whānau let them know you are concerned, and listen to what they have to say. 

Ways you can support them:

Offer them a safe place to stay should they need to leave their home quickly. 

Offer to help locate Queer, Trans* and Takatāpui friendly support services. 

Help to create a safety plan. 

Offer to make contact with, and go with them to a support service. 

People may stay in a relationship with an abusive person for many reasons, which may not be known to you.  Avoid judging them. 

Signs someone may be experiencing abuse:

Seem nervous and fearful, perhaps of someone’s reaction. 

Try to isolate themselves from friends and whānau. 

Seem sad, angry or lacking confidence. 

Appear to be keeping secrets or nervous or anxious. 

If you think someone is being abusive:

Letting a friend know you are concerned their behaviour may be abusive can be very difficult.  Make sure they know this is your observation, not anything their partner has said, and listen to what they have to say. 

Start the conversation with things like:

“I am concerned about some of things I’ve seen you do with your partner.” 

“I feel uncomfortable when I hear/see you treating your partner in that way.  It’s not OK.” 

“You are still responsible for your own behaviour.  It is never OK to abuse someone.” 

￼Signs someone may be being abusive:

￼Use threatening looks and words towards their partner, children or others. 

Yell and swear at their partner or family. 

Act jealous and possessive, such as constantly checking on their partner. 

Making the decision to end a relationship is hard, even when it’s a healthy relationship. 

Ending a relationship can look very different, depending on the type of relationship:

Telling a casual sex partner you no longer want to have sex with them. 

Ending a long-term loving relationship. 

Leaving an abusive partner and taking out a protection order against them. 

Ending an intimate relationship can be more involved when there are things like a shared home, money, pets or children to consider.  Make a separation plan together if possible, and a weekly schedule for things you are all responsible for. 

Talk about your expectations including how you want to communicate with each other, how often it’s OK to text or call and about physical contact (e.g. hugging). 

After a relationship has ended:

After ending an intimate relationship it’s common to have thoughts of longing, loneliness or loss.  Some ways to help deal with these feelings:

Try to keep an emotional distance from them to allow you to heal. 

Settle agreements about property and possessions quickly so you can move on. 

Be strong.  The relationship ended for a reason.  Stick to your separation plan. 

Everyone is entitled to experience happy, healthy relationships, and perhaps the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. 

Having a good relationship with ourselves is the first step to being able to have healthy relationships with other people. 

When we think positive things like “I’m happy with who I am”, “I look good today” or “I achieved my goal”, we’re able to negotiate better relationships with other people, and value the contribution those people make in our lives. 

When negative thoughts like “I’m too fat”, “who would want me?”,  or “I always screw things up” cloud our minds, we can make bad relationship choices, or let other people make poor choices for us. 

Duncan’s tips about having a healthy relationship with yourself:

Take time to think about what you’re good at. 

Learn about what you love and what makes you feel happy. 

Distract yourself if you are having negative thoughts. 

Make time for yourself and the things you enjoy doing, such as dancing, reading, exercise or meditation. 

Talk to people you trust about your emotions, thoughts, feelings and dreams.  These people could be friends, whānau, or a professional such as a counsellor. 

Being able to spend time happily by yourself is a strength, not a weakness!