When I moved to New Haven approximately 3 and a half years ago, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.  What’s a Westville and why do I care?  East Rock?  Sounds kinda… literal. 

So I just randomly started checking out apartments in whatever neighborhoods.  That was.. interesting.  I remember seeing a place on Orchard St. where the landlord remarked about what a quiet neighborhood it was while I heard sirens and what i swear were gunshots at mid-afternoon on a Wednesday. 

Dude, if you can’t get mid-Wednesday right, I don’t even wanna know what Friday night looks like. 

Eventually, I settled on this semi-run-down, but incredibly affordable apartment on Edwards St. I had two roommates I rarely saw and avoided because I’m pretty sure Yale Grad Syndrome is contagious and I don’t have time for that shit. 

Three and a half years later, I’ve moved downtown, mostly because every place I saw in East Rock was overpriced and those goddamned claw showers get water everywhere.  I’m too old for this shit.  Also cause I’m lazy. 

But I will miss East Rock.  And so, without further adieu, I present my scatterbrained tribute to the neighborhood I came to slowly understand, love, and then abandon.  My therapist would probably get a kick out of that. 

I’m going to put it in list form because people on the Internet love lists.  You fucks. 

1.  East Rock has that perfect neighborhood feel in a small city, with only a small fraction of the gun violence. 

Walking down the street, East Rock gives off that quiet, neighborhood vibe that only $500,000 property values can deliver.  And with only a random dispute erupting into a shooting every once in a great while, it’s a great place to feel safe-ish. 

Plus, it’s quiet, except when it isn’t. 

2.  You really get to know your neighbors

One of my favorite things about East Rock is that you can go for lovely evening walks, enjoying the sunshine through the trees, waving to your friends at Cafe Romeo or Nica’s Market.  Or the lovely people standing outside the Planned Parenthood, waving giant pictures of fetuses at you. 

Such a friendly bunch. 

3.  Gourmet grocers everywhere! 

Wherever you live in East Rock, chances are you’re close to one of the “gourmet” grocers: Nica’s Market, P&M Market, or Cesar and Romeo’s.  It’s a great chance to pick up some produce or some deli meats at reasonable prices.  And with deodorant at the low low price of $12.99, it barely feels like you’re being robbed at gunpoint. 

Plus Nica’s keeps their aisles nice and narrow so you get that warm, suffocating feel while standing in line for 45 minutes for a sandwich. 

4.  East Rock park is lovely.  Er, they both are! 

“Hey, I’ll just meet you at East Rock park!” 

“Great, which one?” 

I mean, yeah, okay, I get it’s all one big park, but let’s face it: there’s two East Rock Parks.  The field at the bottom where people practice soccer, basketball, and pretend not to be drinking alcohol, and the one on the summit, where people have picnics, sit at the summit, and pretend not to drink alcohol. 

It’s a pretty great place to hike, too, especially if you don’t want to enjoy too much nature without running into a used condom. 

5.  We have bars, sort of! 

Christopher Martin’s, JP Dempsey’s, and Archie Moore’s both give you that old school neighborhood pub vibe with decent grub, though they all seem wildly averse to anything resembling a drink special.  Perhaps it’s a neighborhood allergy. 

Cave A Vin is an adorable little wine bar for something a bit more upscale and/or romantic.  CO Jones (it’s pronounced “cojones,” get it?!)  has drink specials most nights if you’re super into Dos Equis (and who isn’t?). 

And of course, there’s Diesel Lounge.  Which is totally still open somehow.  Even though you don’t know anybody who’s suffered a serious enough brain trauma to go to a place intentionally called Diesel Lounge. 

Plus, there’s the newly legit Contois Tavern, just in case you you really, really never wanted to see the sun again. 

6.  We got some pretty bangin’ food, too. 

No offense to anybody else, but East Rock has the best Mexican place (Mezcal), the best Thai place (Rice Pot), and the best pizza place (Modern) in New Haven. 

Okay, okay, I admit the pizza thing is debatable and I’m not looking to get into a knife fight here. 

But you gotta admit Rice Pot is bangin’, and unlike some of the other options in Thai Restaurant Alley aka Chapel West, it doesn’t smell like fermenting garbage. 

7.  There’s so many Yale grad students, it’s called the grad ghetto. 

That’s it.  I don’t even have a joke.  Just a bunch of poor grad students with dreams of someday finishing their PhD in Divinity so they can someday help other students work their way into crippling debt.  The cycle continues! 

8.  Best place to bike in the city! 

Yeah, that’s right, we got legit bike lanes!  None of that “let’s just paint a bike on the road, that’s pretty much the same thing, I’m sure the maniac drivers who don’t even respect red lights will go for this” bullshit.  Legit, full-on bike lanes.  For several blocks. 

Granted, this tends to lead to some pretty asinine behavior, like people running in bike lines (you’re too fucking good for the sidewalk, bro?)  and bikes thinking they’re cars (I don’t get it at all), but hey, small price to pay. 

9.  A Lovely Place to Sit Outside and Sip Coffee Like a Proper European

Between the gourmet grocers, which all have outdoor seating, Cafe Romeo, Lulu’s Cafe, and even the Bike Peddler, if you can’t find a place to sit outside with a cup of coffee, you clearly haven’t left the house.  Which, given the whole “do I really want to put pants on” dilemma, I understand. 

Lulu’s is especially fun because you have an emergency phone call?!  Fuck you, technocrat, that shit is not allowed.  Go back to writing poems or whatever. 

10.  I got nothing. 

I just figured the list should have 10 items.  Sorry. 

Farewell, East Rock.  It’s been a lovely time and I’m sure I’ll see you again soon when I want to go for a walk, or a run, or a bike ride.