" Hi." " GROUP:" "Hi." " So I'm in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle and guess who is the clue for three down?" " Three down. " Days of Our Lives star, blank Tribbiani."" " That's me!" " I'm blank!" " Hey." " How cool is." " We know three down." " I'm touching three down." " Yeah, you are, baby." " Three down knows I'm married." "  What's three down doing?" "  Sorry." " So do they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this?" " No." " They really liked me there." " They wanted to do a profile on me." " I said no." " Why'd you say no?" " Remember what happened the last time I did an interview?" " I said I write a lot of my own lines, then the writers got mad and made my character fell down the elevator shaft." " So who knows what I might say this time?" " If only there was something in your head to control the things you say." " Oh, come on, Joey, you'll totally keep it in check this time." " And plus, you know, the publicity would be really good for your career." " And you deserve that." " And if you do the interview, you could mention oh, I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green." " Is that "gal pal" spelled L-O-S-E-R?" " Okay, don't listen to him." " Please?" " Fine, all right, I'll do it." " But, hey." " You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid." " Just then or all the time?" " Because we have jobs, you know?" " Come on, we will be there for you the whole time." " Just remember:" "Gal pal, Rachel Green." " I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest." " And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle." "  Seriously, proud of you." "  Yeah." " I really appreciate you taking the time to do this." " Oh, not at all." " Happy to do it." " You think we're being obvious?" " No." " We're just four people with neck problems, who talk like this." " I think it's great that you wanted to meet here." " When most people hear that the magazine's paying for it they want a big, fancy restaurant." " Actually, I didn't know the magazine was paying." " Wouldn't have mattered." " I'm doing this for the fans, not the free food." " Ha, ha." "  Can I get you anything?" "  I'll have a cup of coffee." " Yeah, and I'll have all the muffins." "  Hey." "  Shh." " We're not talking." " Oh, finally." " Ugh." " So according to your bio, you've done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives." " Anything that you're particularly proud of?" "[ SINGING] All you want is a dingle" "What you envy's a shwang" "A thing through which you can tinkle" "Or play with, or simply let hang" "Folks, this ever happen to you?" " You go to the fridge to get a glass of milk but these darn cartons are so fringing-flanging hard to open." " Boy, you said it, Mike." " I don't" "Oh, oh." "  There's gotta be a better way." "  And there is, Kevin." " He's never used this product before." " You're gonna see how easy this is to do." " Go ahead." "  This works in any milk carton." "  Wow, it is easy." "  Now I can have milk every day." " CROWD:" "Ah." " So this is it, Victor?" " Yeah, I guess it is." " And so I'm gonna get on this spaceship and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels." " But when I return 200 years from now, you'll be long gone." " But I won't have aged at all." " So you tell your great-great- granddaughter to look me up." " Because, Adrian... ."baby"." "... I'm gonna want to meet her." " Shh, shh." " Okay, here I come." " Here I come." " See, I'm coming to fix the copier." " I can't get to the copier." " I'm thinking, "What do I do?" " What do I do?"" " So I just watch them have sex." " And then I say" " Wait, here's my line:" "JOEY [ON TV]:" "You know, that's bad for the paper tray." "  Nice work, my friend." "  Wait, wait, wait, you see me again." " Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me." " There I am." " There I am." " There I am." " Well, there are so many things, you know, it's hard to pickjust one." "  I'm gonna get some coffee." " Want anything?" " RACHEL:" "Oh, yeah." "  A blueberry muffin and chamomile tea." "  Double latte, extra foam." "  And a bagel with only" " I was just being polite." " Okay." " How about when you're not working?" " What do you do in your spare time?" "[ HORN HONKS]" "Look at this clown." " Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river." " Get out of the way, jackass!" " Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?" " That is the Coast Guard." " What are they doing out here?" " The coast is all the way over there." "  Hi." "  Hey, check it out." " This is unbelievable." " Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes." " Dude, are you trying to kill me?" " Well, I see you've had a very productive day." " Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?" " Come on, it's fun." " All right." " Isn't this a woman's hat?" " Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea." " You know what?" " We have to turn off the porn." " I think you're right." " CHANDLER:" "All right, ready?" " JOEY:" "One." " CHANDLER:" "Two, three." " JOEY:" "Three." " That's kind of nice." "  Yeah, it's kind of a relief." "  Yeah." "  You wanna see if we still have it?" "  Yeah." "  Free porn!" " We have free porn here!" "  Yeah." " In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind." " And I'm also a mento for kids." "  A mento?" "  You know, a mento." " A role model." "  A mento?" "  Right." "  Like the candy?" "  As a matter of fact, I do." " Well, um, another thing that our readers always want to know is how soap stars stay in such great shape." " Do you have some kind of a fitness regime?" " Uh, we stars usually just try to eat right and get lots of exercise." " Wow, you realize we've been throwing this ball without dropping it for an hour?" " Are you serious?" " I realized it a half-hour ago, but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to jinx it." "  Wow, we are pretty good at this." "  Yeah." " Hey, we totally forgot about lunch." " Oh." " I think that's the first time I've ever missed a meal." " Yeah, I think my pants are a little loose." " What's wrong with you?" " Oh, I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before." " And then I, uh, passed out." " I haven't been able to stand up since." " Ha, ha." " But I don't think it's serious." " This sounds like a hernia." " You have to" " Go to the doctor." " No way." " Look, if I go to the doctor for anything it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach." " Why'd I have to start working out again?" " Damn you, 15's." "  What is it?" "  It's a trifle." " It's got all of these layers." " First, there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam." " Then custard, which I made from scratch." " Then raspberries, more ladyfingers then beef sautéed with peas and onions." " Then a little bit more custard." " It tastes like feet." " I like it." "  Are you kidding?" "  What's not to like?" " Custard, good." " Jam, good." " Meat, good." " Well, you don't look good, Joe." " Well, the fridge broke, so I had to eat everything." " Cold cuts, ice cream, limes." " Hey, what was in that brown jar?" "  That's still in there?" "  Not anymore." " Oh, look." " There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it." "  Stick to your side." "  Hey, come on, now." " All right, what are we having?" " Uh, I don't believe in these crazy diets." " You know, just everything in moderation." "  Your muffins." "  Uh..." "I'll take those to go." " For the kids." " Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you." " You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off." " What happened there?" " Oh, it's so stupid." " I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn't have said." " But believe me, that is not gonna happen today." " Understood." " So, what did you say back then?" " Oh, I said that I" "GROUP Hey, Joey!" " How you doing?" " You guys, this is Shelly." " She's interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest." " GROUP:" "Hi." "  Shelly, these are my friends." " Hi, I'm gal pal Rachel Green." " Um, and if you want the dirt, I'm the one you come to." " This might be Joey's baby, who knows?" " I'm just kidding." " Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green." " Who just lost the respect of her unborn child." "  I'm gonna go get this warmed up." "  Okay." "  Joey, you're doing great." "  So far, nothing stupid." "  Mento?" "  No, thanks." " So as Joey's friends is there anything you think our readers ought to know?" " Uh, no, just that he is a great guy." " Yeah, that's gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest." " Well, I" "I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives." " Um, I just think that you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet." "  Oh, I like that." " What's your name?" "  Phoebe Buffay." " How do you spell that?" " So we can get it right." " Okay, it's P as in Phoebe." " H as in Heebie." " O as in Obie." " E as in Ebie." " B as in Beebee." " And E as in, "'ello there, mate."" " Great." " Well, it was nice meeting all of you." "  Yeah, you too." "  Thanks, you guys." " MONICA:" "Bye." " So it seems like you have a lot of friends." "  Yeah." "  Who would you say is your best friend?" " How come you have two?" " Well, this one's for you." "  Get out." "  No, I can't." " No, no." " Listen, I know how much this means to you." " And I also know this is about more than jewelry." " It's about you and me and the fact that we're best buds." " Wow." " Is this friendship?" " I think so." " Check it out." " We're bracelet buddies." " That's what they'll call us." "  Oh, Joey." " I'm sorry." "  It's all right." " Don't worry about it." " No, but look." " Oh, that's gonna leave a stain." " Rach, hey, it's fine." " You're at Joey's." "  Really?" "  Yeah, look." "  Ha." "  Yeah." "  I've never lived like this before." "  I know." " Whoo!" " Ha, ha." " Well, don't waste it." " I mean, it's still food." " Jeez." " I've been feeling guilty about this." " I wanna be a good friend and damn it, I am a good friend." " So shut up and close your eyes." " Yeah, uh" "Wow." " You are a good friend." " Of course, the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it." " But that was a hell of a kiss." " Rachel is a very lucky girl." " Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths." " And they're off." " Oh." " Get your foot off my contestant." " Judge." "  Judge rules:" "No violation." "  Oh." "  The duck gets the Nutter Butter." "  No." " Wait, that's not a Nutter Butter." "  That's an old wonton." "  Judge rules:" "Nutter Butter." "  Oh." " Tough call." "  Yeah." " I had seen this thing on the Discovery Channel." " Wait a minute." " I saw that." " On the Discovery Channel." " Yeah, about jellyfish, and how if you" "Ew." " You peed on yourself?" " BOTH:" "Ew." "  You can't say that." " You don't know." " I mean, I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain." " Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way." " O" "GROUP Ew." " That's right, I stepped up." " She's my friend and she needed help." " If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you." " Uh, nope." " No best friend." " No, just a lot of close friends." " Yeah." " So, uh, now back to the show." " How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?" " Really?" " Me?" " Wow, I don't even know any huge gay people." " It hurts me." " It physically hurts me." " Now, off the record, you're not..." "What?" " Are you referring to my man's bag?" " At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too." " Check it out." " It's got compartments for all your stuff:" "your wallet, your keys, your address book." " Your makeup." " Now, should I climb down your front so we're face to face or should I climb down your back so we're butt to face?" "  I think face is best." "  Yeah, face to face." " ROSS:" "Okay, here I come." "  All right." " Oh, my-- How much do you weigh, Ross?" " I'd prefer not to answer that right now." " I'm still carrying a little holiday weight." "[ GASPING]" "You know, when we talked about face to face I don't think we thought it all the way through." "  Hey, Pheebs." "  Hey." " Check it out." " Huh?" "  How much of a man am I?" "  Wow." " Nice." " Manly and also kind of a slut." " You're turning into a woman." " No, I'm not." " Why would you say that?" " That's just mean." " Now I've upset you?" " What did I say?" " Not what you said, it's just the way you said it." " Oh, my God!" " I'm a woman!" "  Great nap." "  It really was." "[ RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]" "Me?" " Gay?" " No." " No." " No." " Uh, but I have a number of close friends who are." " So let's talk about women." " I'm sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life." " Oh, what I do is, I look a woman up and down and I say:" ""Hey." " How you doing?"" " Oh, please." " Hey." " How you doing?" " Hey." " How you doing?" " He has the most amazing Porsche under there." " I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in." " She's sleeping." "[ BOTH CHUCKLING]" "Hey, would you two girls like to go for a drink?" "  Is Rachel here?" " I'm her sister." "  Oh, my God." " Jill." "  Oh, my God." " Rachel." "  Oh, hi." "  Oh, my God." " Introduce us." "  Well, this is Chandler." "  Hi." "  You know Monica and Ross." " JILL:" "Hi." "  And that's Phoebe." " And that's Joey." "  Hey, how you doing?" "  Don't!" " You're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend." " I'm just..." "You know, I just don't feel that way about you." " Oh, I see what happened." " Ha, ha." " It's because I was trying to repel you." " Right?" " Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on." "  I don't think so." "  Oh, I do." " How you doing?" " I'm okay." " What?" " Oh, dear God." " Not much to tell there." " I'm really shy." " So that's it." " I guess that's all I need." " Thank you so much." " I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month." " Oh, great." " Great." " Thank you." "  Bye." "' Bye-bye." "  I did it." " GROUP:" "Amazing." " Oh, wait, I almost forgot." " We have to ask everybody this:" "Other than Days of Our Lives, what's your favorite soap opera?" " Oh, I don't watch soap operas." " Excuse me?" " I have a life, you know?" " Thank you." " The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to learn that." " Oh." " Good enough." " So close." " Wow, I can't believe they didn't put in the part where you said you didn't watch soap operas." " Yeah, I called the lady about that." " I told her I was joking." " She was pretty nice about it." "  You slept with her, didn't you?" "  A little bit." " Yeah." " Wow." " This picture of you sure is steamy." " Oh, yeah, that's just a little something for my huge gay fan base." " Did you just wink at me?" " Hey, you're the one who loves the picture." "[ English" " US" " SDH]"