" Anybody know what time it is?" " [  B.J. ] Quarter past catatonic." "[  Potter] I got 20 past." " Maybe we oughta synchronize our exhaustion." " At times like this, I feel a debt of gratitude... to that old Kentucky gent who discovered that... you can do more with barley than make soup." " You are referring, of course, to bourbon... the grape Nehi of alcoholic beverages." " I prefer something a little more elegant myself." " Who gives a rat's hat?" " So long as it numbs the noggin." " Here we are, folks, hot off the press." " Last month's bar tabs." "  Don't push." " Everybody gets one." " Just put my tab on my tab." " All right, this time you've gone too far, Igor." " This isn't a bill." " It's a phone number." "  Thirty-eight dollars and 20 cents?" " [  Chuckles ]" "I can't be responsible for this." " I must have been drunk at the time." "  I double-checked it, sir." "  Thirty-eight dollars?" " Mine's only 22." " You win falling away." " Well, I'm not surprised, Pierce, the way you bend your elbow." " Give me a double scotch." "  That must be over 1 50 drinks." "  Gin and tonic." "  Bourbon, neat." "  Cognac." " I could have saved this money and bought a Studebaker." " Big deal." " You'd have just driven it to some bar." " This is just the tip of the ice cube." " What about Rosie's?" " What about the still?" " Relax, Pierce." " Even my own alcoholic consumption's been elevated... since I landed in this leper colony." " When I go back to civilization, it will return to normal as it will for all of us." " How do you know that?" " I don't." " I've never gone home from a war before." " How do I know I won't set up a still in my own living room?" " Hawk, there's nothing to worry about." " You'll see." " Yeah, well, I'm gonna see now." " I'm not gonna drink anymore." " [  All Laughing ]" " I mean it!" " I quit!" "  Ha!" "  Oh, I get it." " Stop now, avoid the Christmas lush." " Pierce, a two-ton bar tab is no reason to take the pledge." " Not forever. Just for a week." " I wanna prove to myself I can do it." "  You wanna join me?" "  Are you kidding?" " I quit not drinking when I was a kid." " Okay, have it your way." " But I'm gonna put myself to the test." "?" " There's a bright golden haze on Korea ?" "?" " There's a bright golden haze on Korea ?" "?" " The sun is as high as a drunken G.I. ?" "  You know anything from Naughty Marietta?" "  Nope." "  Good." " Sing that." "  Come on." " Wakey, wakey." " Coffee's hot." " Get it before the scum settles." " Pierce, you remind me of a dog I once had." " He, too, was cheerful in the morning." " So I gave him to a family of immigrantJapanese, and they ate him." " Come on, Marie." " ?" " The dawn is breaking ?" "  Aah!" "  You filthy swine!" " [  Chuckling ]" "Hey, come on." " You don't wanna be late for your hangover." " Hawkeye!" " Hawk, you shaved." " Cleaned, pressed." "  It's revolting." "  What is it, parents' day?" " Oh, sure." " Poke fun at the able-bodied." " While you two were embalmed, I found out that there's gallons of hot water at this hour." " I showered twice, shaved, shampooed." " It's fun getting up without the wrath of grapes." " Good morning, men of medicine!" " Mail call!" " [  Grunts ] - [ Growls ]" "Excuse me." " I seem to have stumbled into the critical ward." "  Actually, they're rejects from triage." "  Sir, you look wonderful." " Where's the souse we've come to know and pick up off the floor?" " I'm spending a week on the wagon." " This is the new Hawkeye Pierce." "  No preservatives." "  You're quitting drinking?" "  Uh-huh." "  I better call my broker and dump my Seagram's stock." " Corporal, I believe you mentioned mail." " Would you please complete your appointed rounds?" " Oh, yeah, sure." " Light load today, postal patrons." " Winchester, C.E., three." " Give me that!" " Next time I make this delivery, I suggest you keep this man on a leash." "  My sister Honoria." "  Isn't she the lady wrestler?" " Spare me your delirium tremens, wit." " Hey, Beej, come on." " Get up." " Get dressed." " We got time to play some golf." " Are you kidding?" " I'm in no condition to drive." " See what you've done to yourself?" " Your body is a temple, and the Philistines have dropped in." "  Dear God in heaven!" "  What happened in Boston, Charlie?" " Honoria lose the big tag team match?" " How could she have allowed this to happen to her?" " Mother and Father must be beside themselves." "  What's the matter?" " Is she sick?" "  Worse than that." " She's engaged to an Italian!" " Klinger!" " Klinger!" " Klinger!" " What a time for that dolt to be off playing post office." " All right." " Hello?" " H-Hello?" " Hello?" " H" "Hello?" " Of course, this infernal contraption doesn't work." " Why should it?" " Wasn't Marconi an Italian?" " Hel" " Hello." " About time." " I want to place a call to Boston, Lawrence 8464." " Yeah, Boston, Massachusetts, you geographic whiz." " Who am I?" " Who are you?" " Sparky, eh?" " Well, Sparky, flash this call through immediately!" " I" " It's an emergency!" " I need no authorization!" " Oh, is that so?" " Well, I am a major... and you are a supercilious twit with a name befitting a cocker spaniel!" " Now, for the last time-- Klinger!" " Thank heaven." " Here, explain to Alexander Dumb Bell... that I must get through to Boston immediately." "  Boston, Massachusetts?" "  No!" " It's spending the winter in Florida." " Hello?" " Uh, to whom do I have the pleasure?" "  Sparky." " Sparky." "  Sparky!" " Hey, long time no" "Huh?" " Well, I, uh" " I can't talk about it now." " He's standing right next to me." "  All right." " I'll tell him." "  Well?" " Well?" " Well?" " Sorry." " No personal phone calls to the zone of interior." "  Matters of military urgency only." "  This is" " No exceptions." "  This is military urgency!" " My sister has surrendered to an Italian!" " Wow!" " This could be the end of civilization as we know it." " Klinger,just get me through to the telegraph office in Seoul." " No can do." " Guerrillas knocked it out yesterday." " Just relax, sir." "  Relax?" " Are you insane?" " How would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy... dark-haired olive picker?" " She did." " And for your information, Major... so did my mother and my grandmother... not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is!" " Did I say something to offend him?" " Colonel, it is imperative that I get to Boston." "  Boston, Massachusetts?" "  Yes!" " Yes!" " Boston, Massachusetts." " Now,just hang on to your homburg, Winchester." " You come barreling into your C.O.'s bunkhouse... bellow at him like a berserk buffalo... aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out." " How'd you like to be spending the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?" " Perhaps I have expressed myself with too much pique." " I'm under terrible stress." " You see... my beloved sister Honoria has betrothed herself." "  Well, congrats all around." " Who's the lucky caballero?" "  No!" " No!" " No!" " You don't understand." "  The man is Italian." "  Okay." " Lucky paisano." " Look, I know how much you want to be there for the nuptials." " But if I let you leave, people will be wanting furloughs for Groundhog Day." " Sir, I do not wish to attend the nuptials." " I wish to prevent them." "  How's that?" "  Surely as a horseman, you can understand." " You do not sire a fine thoroughbred with Tony the Pony." " Well, when you put it that way, I can see your problem." " Permission denied." " Good night." " Sir!" " Consider poor Honoria." " She's young, she's infatuated." " She's an idiot!" " Look, boy, aren't you being a bit highfalutin on this score?" " This is America." " Remember those words inscribed on the lady with the lamp?" "" Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses"?" " What do you think slums are for?" " New sheets for old." " New sheets for old." " Excuse me, Doctor." " If you're finished, we'd like to change the linen." " All through." " Change that dressing this afternoon..." " and under no circumstances is he allowed to flamenco." "  Sí, sí, Doctor." " Okay." " Places, everyone, for the pagan wedding march." " Nymphs on one side, satyrs on the other." " No mingling." " Excuse me, Doctor." " May I dance through?" " How am I supposed to check patients if you're changing sheets?" " We change the linens every day at 1 1 :30, Doctor." " Well, you could let a person know, you know?" "  So, Hawk, how's the world treating you?" "  That's my pen!" " That's my pen." " I've been looking for that for two days." "  I must have picked it up by accident." "  I left that on my footlocker." " My footlocker." " That is hardly a bequest to the general populace." " I'm sorry." " I don't know what came over me." "  I'm sorry." " Uh, keep it." " I'm" " Forget it." " I'm sorry." "  Thanks." " I'll be back in 1 0 minutes." " What-What is that stench in here?" "  Stench?" "  The odor." " It smells like sardines marinating in ammonia." " It's probably the disinfectant, Doctor." " Margaret, I know what disinfectant smells like." " That's more like infectant." " Four more days of his sobriety is gonna drive me to drink." " He got mad at me this morning 'cause he didn't get any mail." " No wonder." " Who'd wanna write a grump like that?" " For your information, Corporal..." "Captain Pierce is not behaving like a grump just for the fun of it." " When a person gives up drinking, it has a physical effect on the body." " It's temporary." " For the time being, we can be understanding and supportive." " I got a better idea." " We tell him he needs a malaria shot... and we fill the hypo with booze." "[  Straining, Grunting ]" " Hawkeye." "  What's the matter, you can't sleep?" " Not in a Vic Tanny Health Club." " It's just that I'm so restless." " If somebody would open an all-night bowling alley..." "I'd make him rich beyond his wildest dreams." "?" " Lucky, lucky, lucky me I'm a lucky son of a gun ?" " [  Speaking Italian ]" " Well, well, it's the leaning tower of pompous." " Who does that Rosie think she is calling me a rummy?" " [  Slurred Speech ] I was "shipping sablis."" "  How rude." "  What you are is a wino." "  Thank you for upholding my honor." " Oh, geez, Charles, not so close!" " That breath could trip a land mine." " Hey, guys?" " See me in my bunk?" " See that darkness outside?" " Those are the unmistakable signs of night." " Why don't you leave the talking to the crickets?" "  Sorry, Beej." "  My lips are seals." "?" "[  Singing In Italian ]" "I don't believe this." " Who told you you could rehearse the Thomas Edison pageant?" " I must finish this letter to Hon" " Hon-- my sister." " You've written her three days in a row." " What are you trying to do, get bulk mail rates?" " I am trying, you unamusing little man... to prevent a wedding which begins..." ""Hey, do youse take this woman?"" " Spoken like a true patriot, Charles." " Red neck, white sheet and blue nose." " For crying out loud, I'm trying to sleep here." " Well, you've got your bankie." " What do you want, a lullaby?" " Oh, great, Charles." " Have another drink." "  Face up to your problems face down." "  Why not?" " I'm sure this swill is better than anything they will serve at my sister's wedding." " This is just the thing, you know, to wash down... an elegant repast of pizza, ravioli and scungilli." " Before you start writing poison pen blessings, Charles... why don't you lie down and dry out?" " Because inebriation will enable me to form the words that will sway my sister." " Perfect." " Right now, you're an expert at swaying." "" Dear Dodo."" "" Dear Charles." " On behalf of Honoria and myself, shut up!"" " Shh." " People are sleeping." "" I await with bated garlic breath..." ""the announcement of your firstborn:" ""To Honoria and Vito 'The Big Knife' Machete... a 1 2-pound, 1 0-ounce organ grinder."" " When you mail that, you'd better wear a disguise." " Why don't you dress up as a human being?" " No one will recognize you." " [  Mock Laughter]" " All right!" " That does it!" " That does it!" " I've had it with your sanctimony and your bigotry." " What I need is some tranquillity, like in a machine-gun nest." " A football locker room." " No." " A hyena's cage." " No, no." " Wait, wait, wait." " The inside of a fisherman's boot in Newark." " That's it." " The potatoes, on the other hand" "Son, I think it'd be a lot easier getting these vittles down..." " without the nasal appraisal." "  I call 'em as I smell 'em." " It's just swell having you around, Hawk." " If you're not gonna let me sleep, the least you can do is let me eat." " Go ahead, eat." " But if your senses had the sense that my senses have... you wouldn't touch that stuff with a 1 0-foot fork." " Since the veil of alcohol has been lifted from my brain..." "I've discovered a whole new world out there... and you have no idea how disgusting it is." " Look, Captain, I understand what you're going through." " It's admirable." " It's noble." " It's an inspiration to us all." " But I think I speak for the entire congregation when I say, "Shut up!"" "  Oh, is that so?" "  Yes, that's so!" " We've had it up to here with your teetotaling tantrum." " Oh, I get it." " You want me to start drinking again, don't you?" "  That's not what I said." "  Oh, that's what you want." "  Oh, Hawk, don't be paranoid." "  You'd like that, wouldn't you?" " The old Dr. Pierce from Souse Korea." " He was all the rage with that cute, little wobble in his walk... not to mention his rosy cheeks with eyes to match." " That's what you want, isn't it, Margaret?" " If everything's so damn clear to you, Mr. Keen Senses... how come you haven't noticed that I'm the one who's been defending you?" " That is, up till now." "  Well, you don't have to get huffy." "  I don't know, Pierce." " I think she's got a good case for the huffs." "  Excuse me, Doctor." "  Ah, Lieutenant Mendenhall, as I live and breathe heavily." "  Tonight's duty roster's out." "  And?" " And I'm not on it." " Do we still have that date?" " We certainly do." " I'll call the supply room... and book a romantic corner crate for two." " Mmm, you are so cute." "  See ya." "  Okay." " After you're through snuggling, could you save a little cute for the rest of us?" "  Oh, good afternoon, Major." "  That is your opinion, Father." "  Hmm?" "  Entrée, sir?" "  What is it?" "  Italian meatballs." " No!" " My sister's marrying one." " You know, Major, perhaps it's not my place, but I'd like to point out... that the Italian people have given the world a great deal." " Art, culture, the Renaissance." " I hope you'll reflect on this and try and accept the situation." " Thank you, Father, but the closest I can come to acceptance... is when I console myself with the fact that at least she's not marrying an Irishman." " Why is everyone so testy?" "  So, this is the Hawk's famous love nest." " ?" "[ Jazz On Radio ]" "Mmm." "  Interesting place." "  And not easy to get into either." " I had to give a big hunk of this stuff to the head rat." "[  Chuckles ] Thank you." "  You know what's amazing?" "  Hmm?" " I'm having a really swell time, and I haven't even had one drink." "  You don't mind if I, uh" " No, no, no, no, no." " It's just that I'm having such a good time not drinking, you know?" " Mmm." " Well, as long as you're enjoying yourself." " Oh, I am." " I am." " You know, you could go easy on that stuff too." "  Huh?" "  Well, that's your third glass." " But, who's counting?" " Well, this is a switch." " Most guys think it gets you in the mood." " Yeah, well, I can get in the mood the regular way." "  I don't need to get my moods out of a bottle." "  But you are in the mood?" " Oh, yeah, yeah." " But you need some kind of artificial stimulation just to get in the mood?" "  What?" "  Well, what kind of a relationship do people have... if they have to get numb just to feel something?" "  You know?" "  Wait a minute." " What's with you tonight?" " I came here because you seem like a really terrific guy." " Warm, tender, great sense of humor." " Oh, sure." " I bet after a couple of belts of that... you'd say the same thing toJ." "Fredd Muggs." "  Dr. Pierce, if you recall..." " ?" "[  Shuts Off] this little tête-à-tête was your idea, not mine." " You gave me the impression we were going to have an intimate, romantic evening." " Now, if I had known that I was going to get a temperance lecture..." "I would have made a date with someone more fun, like a cadaver." " Excuse me." " I'm looking for... the American Society for the Advancement of Bigotry and Button Noses." " Klinger-- my constant reminder that Darwin was right." " Major, your snide remarks at the expense of swarthy peoples everywhere... shall cease and desist, or you'll never see this letter from your sister." "  Give me that." "  Ah, ah." " Not until you say..." " "Olive skin makes good kin."" "  Give it to me!" " Oh!" " Okay, okay." " I'll settle for a kind word about olives." " Mmm!" " Miracle of miracles, the wedding's off." " What happened?" " Your family have the groom beheaded?" " How da-- His family intervened." " They forbade him from marrying out of their faith." " Oh!" " Don't you just hate narrow-minded people?" " Klinger, I must get a wire to my sister immediately." "[  Man On P.A.] Attention, everybody." " Incoming wounded." " Get yours while they last." " Tell your friends." " Can't stand it when people drop in uninvited." "  Major?" "  Yeah, I'm coming." " I" " I'll be right there." " I've got a prisoner on the gurney, Doctor." " [  Hawkeye ] Over here, Klinger." "  Thank you." " Our next contestant comes all the way from Peking." " His interests include moo goo gai pan and collecting and trading American prisoners." "  How about a big MASH welcome for" "Just get him on the table." " Klinger, what the hell is this?" " This guy's pants are still on." " Don't blame me, oh, surly surgeon." " I don't peel 'em." " I just push 'em." " Corpsman!" " All right, never mind." " It's too late now." " Just don't do it next time, all right?" "  Wait!" " Wait!" " [  Shouting In Korean ]" "Pierce, what the hell are you doing over there?" " This crazy lunatic's got a live grenade!" "  How the hell did he get a grenade in here?" "  Don't panic." " He's holding the handle, and I'm holding him." "  Somebody give him a hand." "  No, no!" " Stay back." " All right, listen up." " Everybody who doesn't have to be here skedaddle, pronto." "  Go on." " Just hold on tight, son." " Your fingers... are all that's standing between us and kablooey." " Just think of me as five little Dutch boys." " [  Shouting In Korean ]" " Easy!" " Take it easy!" " [  B.J. ] Somebody get on the gas and get him under!" "  I'll do it!" " The tank's broken!" " The gauge snapped off!" " I'll get an ether mask." " Roy!" "  Keep calm." " I'll be right back." "  How long do you think you can hold on?" "  For the rest of my life." "  Okay, Pierce, we gotta put the pin back in that grenade." "  Where is it?" "  Search me." "  Use something else, you dolt." " A needle, swab, anything!" " This is no time for experimenting." " That's a Commie pineapple!" " We gotta find the pin it came with." " Okay, anybody with a free hand, get down on your knees and look for that pin." "  And, for God's sake, find it fast!" " [  Shouting In Korean ]" "Father, as long as you're down there" "I'm praying already, sir." " You got us all wrong." " We doctors." " We're good guys." " Look at the white hats." " Pierce, whatever you do, try and calm that boy down." " Calm him down?" " What do you want me to do, sing him a song?" " Music hath charms, Hawk." "?" " Hush, little baby don't say a word ?" "?" " Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird ?" " Feel free to join in if you know the words." " That's the ticket, Pierce." " Keep singing." "?" " If that mockingbird don't sing ?" "?" " Papa's gonna buy-- Papa's-- ?" "  What-What does Papa buy?" "  A diamond ring. ?" " A diamond ring ?" " Everybody!" "[  All ] ?" " If that diamond ring don't shine ?" " ?" " Papa's gonna buy you--?" " [  Charles ] Uh, silver mine." " Silver mine." "  Where the hell is Klinger with that ether?" " ?" "[  Singing Continues ]" "?" " If that silver mine goes broke ?" "  Father, what are you doing down there?" "  I found it!" " I found the pin!" "  Well, get it up here!" "  Well, move your damn foot!" " You're standing on it!" "[  Charles ] Uh" " Uh, cart and bull." " Cart and bull." " Hold him steady." " For God's sake, hold him steady." "[  Hawkeye ] Okay, stop singing." "[  Sighs ]" "I got it!" " I got it!" " Now you show up." " Where were you a minute ago when we needed a baritone?" " Hello?" " This is Major Charles Winchester, MASH 4077." " Uh, I wish to send a telegram to Honoria Winchester... 30 Briarcliff Lane, Boston." " Yes." " Massachusetts." " Ready?" " My dear Sister..." "An incredibly profound experience... has served to intensify the significance of your last letter." " It made me realize with keen awareness... how precious is life and the loved ones with whom we share it." " You are about to receive several boorish letters... which I deeply regret sending." " Please attribute them to greatness of distance... and narrowness of mind." " I finally realize to my shock and shame... that you are no longer the naive little sister that I left at home." " I wish I could be there to share the pain you must feel." " It's only now that I have begun to comprehend its depth." " Stop." " Love, Charles." " Got it?" " Thank you." " Padre, finding that needle in the haystack..." " makes you man of the hour." "  Well, thank you, Colonel." " I'd like to think I was motivated by heroism... but when it comes right down to it, I was saving my own hide." " I'm just glad my hide was so close to yours." " Well, I'm buying a round of drinks, and they're all for you." " Oh, thank you, sir." " I'll have a scotch, please." "  Bourbon." "  My usual times two." " Got any ouzo?" " I'll have a beer." "  Scotch, neat." "  Same here." "  Hawk, did I hear you right?" "  Pierce, you hopping off the wagon?" " I just spent five minutes serenading a guy... who was holding our lives in the palm of his hand." " Oh, Hawkeye, don't give up now." " You've only got two more days to go." " Let the boy make up his own mind, folks." " If Carry Nation had been in that O.R. with us... she'd be getting a little juiced herself about now." "  Gee, Hawk, I thought you were gonna make it." "  Look, I admit it." " I need this drink, all right?" " I'll be back when I want it, not when I need it." " Dr. Winchester, I presume." " Fancy meeting you here." " He's so innocent." " Almost like an angel." " Who'd believe a little while ago, he tried to make angels out of all of us?" " Nothing to worry about anymore, Charles." "  We sent his clothes out to be cleaned, pressed and exploded." " [  Chuckling ]" "Isn't there anyplace in this camp I can go to get a decent night's sleep?"