"Hey, guys." " Hey." " Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend." " That place in Vermont?" " You can take a hint." " You can't go away this weekend." " It's Emma's birthday." " We're having a party." " Can't you have the party when we get back?" " No." " It won't be her real birthday." " Gee, if only she were 1 and had no idea what the hell a birthday was." " Come on, you guys, this is really important to us." " Sorry, but Chandler and I could really use a weekend away..." "...you know, to reconnect, emotionally." " There's this thing I really want us to do." " I read about it in Maxim." " Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day?" " Yeah, we want everyone to be there." " As much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff to my little sister." " And, I mean, you know, you guys, this is a big deal." " How can we have her first birthday party without her aunt and her uncle?" " I promise I won't do any magic." " All right, we'll stay." " We can just drive up after the party." " Fine." " But if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party" "Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that." " You know, Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house." " And then he would draw a treasure map to help me find them all." " I love family traditions like that." " When Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food." " Hey, guys." " Hi." " I brought the camera for Emma's video." " Oh, good!" " We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma..." "...and we'll give it to her when she's 18." " Oh, cool." " Wow, it's like a time capsule." " Yeah." " Oh, just think, she's gonna be watching that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented yet with friends who, right now, are just, like, babies." " And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people." " That's the hope." " So is Emma awake yet?" " No, it's still naptime." " But she'll be up soon." " Where's Joey?" " I said, it's still naptime." " Hey, there's Uncle Joey." " Hey." " Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday." " Eighteen, huh?" " Joey, no!" " What?" " What?" " It's for her hot friends." " When they see this, you'll be 52." " And starting to think about settling down." " Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on?" " Love to." " Yeah." " We were supposed to bring presents?" " Yeah." " I wrote Emma a song." " Oh, yeah." " How was I supposed to know?" " Joey, it's a birthday party." " Yeah, but for a 1 -year-old." " What's the point?" " The other day she laughed for an hour at a cup." " Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it, dressed as a farmer." " And he's standing next to this cow, and the cow says, "El-moo."" " Man, that's a funny cup." " Hey." " Hey." " Where's the birthday girl?" " Oh, she's still napping." " She was probably up all night excited about the party she knows is happening." " I know you guys really want to get to Vermont, and this isn't a big deal to you." " But it really is to us, okay?" " Emma will never have a first birthday again." " You're right." " We're sorry." " Let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started!" " She didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her." " Are you frigging kidding me, Greene?" " Hi!" " Hey!" " I'm so glad you came." " I can't believe Emma's already 1." " I remember your first birthday." " Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you." " He pulled on his testicles so hard we had to take him to the emergency room." " There's something you didn't know about your dad." " Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Geller." " Let me help you with that." " Thank you." " Oh, man, this is great, huh?" " The three of us together again." " You know what would be fun?" " If we gave this present to Emma from all of us." " Which one are you?" " I can't believe Emma's still asleep." " I know." " What are we gonna do?" " I've got a plan." " I've got a plan." " I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs." " You're gonna scream out, and that'll wake her up." " I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica." " Hey, Pheebs?" " You know what?" " I was thinking since you wrote a song maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents." " So you're gonna hit on her?" " No, no, no." " My talents as an actor." " You know, I could, like, maybe...." "I could do a dramatic reading of one of her books." " Or you could stick a fork in an apple." " Hey, I think Emma might like it." " Oh, Emma might like what?" " My present." " What did you get her?" " We prepared performances." " Separate performances." " But equally real." " That sounds like fun." " People are getting a little antsy waiting for Emma to wake up from her nap." " So would you mind performing them once now?" " Sure, yeah!" " Okay." " Okay." " All right." " Everybody, let's get this party started." " Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us." " Oh, great." " Aren't you gonna be embarrassed having nothing prepared?" " I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting." " So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?" " I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma's books." " Oh, okay." " Which one?" " Well, it's one of her favorites." "" Riding the Storm Out:" "Coping With Postpartum Depression."" " Love You Forever." "" Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch." " Published by Firefly Books." " Printed in Mexico." " A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth." " And while she held him, she sang, ' I'll love you forever." " I'll like you for always." " As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.'"" "" And while he rocked her, he sang:" "'I'll love you forever." " I'll like you for always." " As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.'"" " Oh, wow!" " That was amazing." " Thank you so much for that gift." " I was not ready for this today." " Amazing." " Amazing." " Phoebe, I'm sorry." " Phoebe has prepared something as well." " That's right." " I prepared a song for Emma, from my heart to hers." " For there's no greater gift than the gift of music." " Emma Your name poses a dilemma" "'Cause not much else rhymes with "Emma"" "Maybe the actor Richard Crenna He played the commanding officer in Rambo" "Happy birthday, Emma" "Is that it?" " No, of course not." " No, I've also, you know, prepared a reading." "" Sex and the Single Mother."" "" Finding your G-spot."" " Oh, no, no, no!" " Hello, Emma." " Happy 18th birthday." " Right now, that seems so far away, 17 years." " Yes." " You'll be all grown up by then, and we'll be...." "Well, your grandfather and I might not be here." " That's true." " This message could be coming to you from beyond the grave, Emma." " After all, my parents died very young." " And my cholesterol's off the charts." " Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too." " Okay, cut!" " Great." " Great." " That was just...." "Yeah." " Oh, good." " Ross, don't forget to get a shot of Emma's cake." " It's in a box in the fridge." " Okay, sure." " You're gonna love this cake." " I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's." " Oh, my God, that place has the creamiest frosting!" " I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid." " Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes in all different shapes." " And if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing." " Did you do a picture of Emma?" " Yes." " On a cake shaped like a bunny." " Rach?" " Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes?" " Say, for bachelorette parties?" " Ross, what are you talking--?" " Oh, my God!" " They put my baby's face on a penis!" " Now it's a party!" " Wait, you guys, this isn't funny." " If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!" " Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?" " Jack, look at this." " I know what you're thinking, Judy." " The resemblance is uncanny." " I am this close to tugging on my testicles again." " Ironically, that was the Maxim thing." " No, no, this is not what I ordered, okay?" " I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake for my daughter's birthday." " And I need a bunny cake right now!" " Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis so we could put it on the bunny." " That is a weird sentence." " Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back." " I don't even want it in my home." " Don't touch it!" " I'm so confused!" " Yes, I still want my daughter's picture, but on a bunny cake!" " Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!" " To be fair, this one does have nuts." " Mon, it was nice of you to loan Rachel your car..." "...so she could get the cake." " It was nice of her to pull my hair till I dropped the key." " Well, while we're waiting, you could tape your message to Emma for her 18th birthday, huh?" " Okay?" " Hi, Emma." " It's the year 2020." " Are you still enjoying your nap?" " We're Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler, by the way." " You may not recognize us because we haven't spoken to your parents in 17 years." " We used to be married." " But then we missed a weekend away together, and things kind of unraveled because of you." " Happy birthday." " Thanks." " Another good one." " I can't believe I taped over my Big Brother audition for this." " Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now." " We seriously have to go if we want to get to Vermont." " The last train leaves in a half-hour." " And I have a massage client soon." " You guys, just, please, a little bit longer." " I promise, Rachel will be back with the cake any minute." " Monica, remember the frosting, huh?" " All right, five more minutes." " Hello?" " Oh, no, what happened?" " Okay, okay, where are you?" " Okay, I'll be right there." " Was that Emma?" " Is she up?" " Rachel got pulled over for speeding." " She forgot her license." " I have to bring it to her." " lf you're leaving, I'm definitely going." " Wait, if anybody gets to go, it's us!" " We've been complaining the longest!" " No, wait, you guys." " No, you can't leave." " Rachel already feels bad that the cake's messed up." " How do you think she'll feel when she comes back and you're gone?" " I don't know." " You'll tell us on Monday." " Joey, you're in charge, okay?" " You make sure nobody leaves." " Got it!" " Hey!" " Where do you think you're going?" " To the bathroom." " Well, the rest of you get comfortable, because we are gonna be here for a" "Wait, there's a window in there." " No!" " He's not getting away that easy!" " What are you doing?" " Get the hell out of here!" " Well, that one did not have Emma's face on it." " No, it did not." " No." " Well, we'd better get going." " It's late." " Jack can't drive at night anymore." " He has trouble staying in his lane." " Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene." " The papers thought it was a hate crime." " Anyway, it was lovely seeing you." " Okay." " Bye." " Bye, dear." " Nighty-night." " Nighty-night." " Bye." " How could you just let them leave?" " Hey, hey, hey." " I'm not gonna mess with Jack." " He's a great man." " He fought for our country." " No, he didn't." " He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea." " Well, that's it." " He's the last one to go." " I'm locking you guys in." " You do know I can just turn them the other way around, right?" " Oh, I forgot you used to live here." " Hello?" " Joey, it's Estelle." " Hey." " So how'd your audition go today?" " What audition?" " The one I told you about last week." " What?" " You never said anything about an audition." " Let me start over." " I just got a call about an audition." " I think you can still make it." " It's down at the Astor Theater, and you need to have a monologue prepared." " A monologue?" " I don't have a" "I got it." " So I'm gonna take off." " What?" " No, wait!" " You don't get to leave." " I've got a massage client waiting outside my door any minute." " And we paid for a room that we're supposed to be in right now!" " Well, okay, now only one of us has to stay with Emma." " Okay, and as the person who realized that, I get to go." " No, no, no." " No." " No." " Let's figure out a fair way to decide who's staying." " Oh, I got it." " Okay, everyone pick a number from one to 10, all right?" " Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first." " Okay, 10." " Okay, Monica picks 10." " I call nine." " Anyone else?" " No, let's just draw straws." " Okay." " Or we could flip a coin and multiply the answer" "I'm begging you to stop." " Right." " Okay, how about this?" " We got wind-up toys for Emma." " We can make them race, and whoever comes in last stays." " Yeah, let's do that!" " That sounds more fun than the thing we were gonna do in Vermont!" " Okay, everybody, pick your toys!" " Okay." " I want the dolphin!" " That's a bear!" " I'm too excited!" " Phoebe, you get the bear." " Joey, you get the robot." " Oh, yeah." " And Chandler and I get the dog." " And the race is going to go from here to here." " Now, the one who comes in last stays!" " Okay, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys." " Okay." " On your mark, get set, go!" " Go!" " Go!" " Come on, robot!" " What are you barking at?" " Well, how is that gonna help?" " I bought you!" " How did I forget that that's all you do?" " Way to go, robot!" " Good job, Alan." " Hey, good race, you guys." " Yeah, see you later." " No." " No, no." " Wait." " We didn't lose." " The rules clearly stated that the last one to cross the finish line was the loser." " Well, our dog never crossed the finish line." " So technically" "They left." " There isn't time to go to the bakery." " We're gonna come home." " Everybody left?" " All right." " Well, just tell Emma that we'll be there as soon as we can." " Bye." " Rachel!" " Oh, God, sorry!" " I can't believe they gave you a ticket." " You're such a good driver." " Emma's awake." " Yeah?" " I can't believe this." " This is her first birthday, she's awake, we're not even there." " Everybody left." " We still have this stupid obscene cake." " Hey, maybe I can fix that." " You know, try to turn it into something else." " Oh, don't even bother." " We've already ruined her first birthday." " And do you know how important these early experiences are, Ross?" " Very!" " According to the back cover of that book that you gave me." " Rach, she's not gonna remember this." " I guess." " Oh, I just had such an idea of what this day would be like, you know?" " Emma laughing and everybody gathered around her cake, singing "Happy Birthday."" " And then we would all" " Hey, get out of the road, you stupid student driver!" " They have to learn." " Hey." " What?" " This is not bad." " Oh, my God." " Look, you made it into a bunny." " How did you do that?" " Well, I just made these two things cheeks." " And then I split this to make ears." " Well, I am very impressed." " Some can sing, some can dance." " I, apparently, can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures." " Now, another way to organize your stuffed animals is by size." " I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica?" " Game?" " Emma, do you even know it's your birthday today?" " You're 1." " One year old." " That's little." " That's my girl." " That's how old you are." " Did I teach her that?" " Did I just impart wisdom?" " I want one." " Me too." " There's no one around." " Why don't we just take this one?" " And head to Canada." " I was kidding." " I wasn't." " Let's get going." " Hey, are Ross and Rachel back?" " No, not yet." " Oh, good, I didn't miss the party." " What about your massage client?" " I just felt so bad missing this." " So I just slipped him a little something, you know." " As long as I'm back in five or six hours, it'll be all right." " Okay." " If Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time." " The whole time." " I've been here the whole time." " Joey, we just saw you come in." " You ran past us on the stairs." " I don't care that you left." " I'm just glad that you're here." " Thanks, you guys." " Hey, guys, come on." " You gotta see what Emma just did." " What?" " Emma, how old are you?" " How old are you today?" " Emma, that's right." " You're that many." " Oh, my God, our daughter's a genius." " This means" "No!" " No science camp!" " Damn it!" " I'll put a candle on the cake." " Oh, and, Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly." " Thanks." " Okay, here we go." " Emma's first birthday cake." " Go ahead, Emma, blow out the candle." " Come on, Emma." " You can do it." " What's wrong?" " Are you okay?" " Oh, yeah, nothing." " These are happy tears." " This is just what I wanted." " Hey, you made it into a bunny." " What is wrong with me?" " It looked more delicious when it was a penis." " Okay, you ready?" " Yeah." " And record." " Okay." " Big Brother audition." " Take one." " I guess you could say I'm kind of a player." " Okay." " Let's" "Let's just try that again." " Okay." " Hi, Emma." " Well, your first birthday is over, and" "Go!" " Go!" " Come on!" " Go!" " Go!" " Come on!" " Go!" " Go, Alan!" " Run, you hairy bastard!"