" But I don't want to go to summer camp." "  Are you kidding?" " You'll have a great time." " Look at this one." " It's a computer camp with a theater program." " Ethernet by day, No, no, Nanette by night." " I don't want to go to camp." " If the kid doesn't want to go, don't make him go." "  Yeah." "  He's 10, he's old enough to work." " What?" " When I was your age, I spent my summers hosing tarantulas off bananas in the back of my stepfather's truck." "  What's going on?" "  I'm going to camp." " Okay." " Morning, all." " Beautiful day." "  You're in a good mood." "  Well, I suppose I am." " I got a little e-mail this morning from an ex-girlfriend, who says she needs to "see" me." " No kidding." " I wonder if she's "knocked up. "" " Nobody's knocked up." " I haven't heard from her in five years." " So she's bringing you a 4-year-old." " Believe me, nobody's bringing anything." "  Remember Jill?" "  Jill the slob?" " Yeah, but do you remember how hot she was?" " Sure, she was a tight unit, but she left dirty dishes everywhere." " Swear to God, this broad left half eaten casseroles in the bathtub." " So?" " With a body like that she could drink out of the toilet if she wanted to." " Wait a minute." " Isn't she the one who dumped you?" " Somebody dumped Charlie?" " Broke his little black heart." " It was pathetic." " She didn't dump me." " She had personal problems and moved to Europe to, you know, find herself." "  Berta?" "  He wept." " I did not." " I felt the appropriate amount of sadness for a good relationship that had run its course." " I had to carry him to bed three nights in a row." " I was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck." " You bring her home, you clean up after." " Thank God you never get any." "  What can I get for you?" "  White wine, please." " Maybe a Chablis." " You know, make it a beer." " Light beer." " Just a beer." " Another one?" " Might as well." " Looks like I'm getting stood up." " Chicks, huh?" " Maybe she's got a good reason." " I tell you what, if it were any other woman," "I'd have been out of here an hour ago." "  Really?" "  Oh, yeah." " This girl?" " This girl's something different." " How so?" " Well, did you ever go out with somebody who's not only great in bed but also like a really cool friend?" " Yeah." " Once." " In fact, now that I think about it, the friendship was the best part of our relationship." " No kidding?" " Yeah." " The sex was a little weird." " We would like wrestle to get on top." " She would actually get angry if she wasn't up there." " Maybe she had a good reason." " Maybe." " Charlie, look at me." "  How do you know my name?" "  It's me." " Me who?" " No." " Yes." " Jill?" " Bill." " No." " We're gonna need two shots of tequila." "  That's okay, I don't want to..." " They're not for you." " This girl you're waiting for really must be something." " Just serve the hooch and mind your own business." "  Listen, Charlie, I know..." " Hang on." " Okay, go." " I know this comes as a shock to you." " Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me and disappeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel." " Keep them coming." " I think I owe you an explanation." " Who pays the nickel, by the way?" " Is it you or just out of some general fund?" " Yeah?" " Remember, when we broke up and I said, "It's not you, it's me"?" " Yes." " And I believe you now." " I was so mixed up and unhappy as a woman." " So?" " I know lots of mixed up, unhappy women." " They go shopping and eat ice cream." " Did you even try that?" " I tried everything, but the truth is," "I was always a man trapped in a woman's body." " No, I'm not buying this." " If you were really a man back then, you would've jumped at that three-way with the cocktail waitress in Carmel." " I begged you." "  You haven't changed." "  I wish I could say the same." " Charlie, how could I have explained it to you back then?" " I couldn't even explain it to myself." " Okay, now you've explained." " Thank you." " Nice to see you again." " Good luck with the penis." " Wait." " A few minutes ago you said I was a really cool friend." " Yeah." " Well, I'm back in LA and I'm kind of starting a new life." "  And I could really use a friend." "  Oh, boy." " It's just..." "You know, I'm completely alone, and I'm really scared." " Jeez." "  It's gonna be okay, Jill." "  Bill." " Yeah, Bill, whatever." " It's okay." " I'm still your friend." " Charlie, you're the best." " I wish I could've loved you the way you deserve to be loved." " Thanks for the ride, Bill." " You're a good friend." "  You called me Bill." "  That's your name, lady." " Just like old times, huh?" " Drag your drunk ass home, take you upstairs, get you undressed and..." "Alan." " You never met my brother, Alan, did you?" " No, I never met anyone in your family, Charlie." " Yeah, different rules now." " Bill, this is my brother Alan." " Alan, this is my old friend, Bill." "  Nice to meet you, Bill." "  Same here." " I thought you were gonna hook up with that girlfriend who wanted to "see" you." " Right." " Turns out she changed her "mind. "" " Anyway, I ran into my old friend, Bill, here." " So, stood up by Jill, ran into Bill." " That's funny." " You have a sick sense of humor, Alan." " The house is clean, I'm going home now." " I'll pick that up on Monday." " I'm sorry, that's mine." " Hi." " Okay, I'm out of here." " So, Bill, you from around here?" " I was, but I moved away for a couple years." " I'm planning on moving back and buying a place." " Hello." " Evelyn Harper, Evelyn Harper Real Estate." "  Yeah, Mom's here." "  No problem, I'm drunk." " I'm Bill Shraeder." " I'm a friend of Charlie's." " No need to apologize." " So, are you interested in renting or buying?" "  Buying." "  Excellent." " Price range?" "  I'm flexible." "  I'll bet you are." "  But I was talking money." "  So was I." "Sexy and liquid." " I like that in a man." "  Nice guy." " Poker buddy?" "  Used to." " And don't call me "buddy. "" " There it is." " Thank you so much for showing me the condos, Evelyn." " Thank you for dinner, Bill." " Thank you for dessert." " Shall we go to my place for coffee and cigars?" "  I don't smoke." "  You will when I'm done with you." " Oh, my God." " He's like half her age." " Yeah." " That's the problem." " I'm trying, Charlie." " I'm trying to be open-minded." " But our mom with a guy who's younger than us, it's just freaking me out." " Trust me, Alan." " Very soon you're gonna be looking back on this moment with fond nostalgia." "  What do you mean?" "  Look." "  Who's this?" "  This is Jill." " The woman who dumped you?" " Get over that." " Nobody dumped me." " All right, I'm sorry." " Why are we looking at Jill?" "  Just look at it." "  Okay." " She's cute." " Very tall." " Broad shoulders." " Holy mother of God!" " Welcome to the Matrix." "  So Jill is..." " Yep." "  And you and Jill used to..." " Every chance we got." "  And Mom is..." " At this very moment." " Holy mother of God!" " What are you guys yelling about?" "  Go to bed." "  Go to bed." "  Do you realize what this means?" "  Yes." " I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man." " Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body." " Or, and this is my new favorite, and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude." " Excuse me, could we just table that for now and discuss how this impacts on our mother?" " Why?" " The damage has been done." " All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead." " Charlie, stay with me." " Do you think I'm gay?" " For God's sake, Charlie, this is not about you." " I like musical theater." " Maybe all these years I've been pathologically chasing women because I've been overcompensating." " You know, I've often thought that." " What?" " I'm agreeing with you." " What do you want to hear?" " I want you to tell me that there is no chance that either of us will ever have to call a woman I slept with "Daddy. "" " Jill the slob." " Gadzooks!" "  Morning." "  Morning." "  Morning." "  Morning." " So, how was your weekend?" "  Fine." "  Okay." " Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?" "  Like what?" "  I don't know." " Go to a fun party?" " See a great movie?" " Run into an old flame with a new wick?" " What are the odds?" " One brother turns them gay, and the other turns them guy." " If you don't mind, Berta, I'd rather not talk about it." " Okay." " I'll fix you something to eat." " How about a sausage link and a couple eggs?" " Hello?" " Anybody home?" " Oh, no." " Charlie, I need to talk to you about your friend, Bill." "  Oh, boy." "  Oh, boy." " You know, I'd really rather not discuss this in front of the help." "  Berta, could you give us some privacy?" "  Hell, no." "  Sorry." "  Okay." " Bill and I shared something very special this weekend." " I realize that might be awkward for you, so I thought I'd come by to discuss it." " That's nice, Mom." " Isn't that nice, Alan?" " You're the expert, Charlie." " Is it too early to start drinking?" " What's that supposed to mean?" " Mom, how much do you know about Bill?" " Charlie, I have no doubt that you two shared some sordid adventures together, but that's the past." " The only thing that matters to me now is that Bill is a handsome, sensitive, wonderful man." " Excuse me?" " Nothing." " I'm just happy to be here." " Frankly, Mom, I'm a little uncomfortable with this." " A little?" " I think I'm having a stroke." " I knew it." " You hypocrites." " It's perfectly all right for you to date younger women." " But when a mature woman gets involved with a younger man, somehow it's scandalous and immoral." "  No, Mom, it's not the age." "  Well, what then?" " Because he's your friend?" " I didn't object when you dated that friend of mine." "  You what?" "  One time." " I was 19 and she was a very doable 42." " And if you heard how she talked about you, you wouldn't call her a friend." " I've heard enough." " I'm going to continue to see Bill, and if you don't like it, that's just too bad." " Wait, Mom, I thought you came here so that we could discuss it." " Please, I came here to brag." " I just needed an opening line." "  Wow, she doesn't know." "  Someone's going to have to tell her." "  Charlie?" "  What?" " I'll clean your house free for a month if you let me do it." " Come on, it is a little funny." " When we were dating you never wanted me to meet your mom." " All right, maybe not so much funny as ironic." "  Look, Jill." " Bill." "  You're angry with me." " Not angry." " Not thrilled." " Charlie, I never planned for this to happen." " I mean, your mom and I just hit it off." " She beautiful, intelligent, self-assured, and she's just exploding with this raw sexuality." " No, listen, fella," "I don't know what they told you in orientation, but, Rule Number 1, when a guy talks like that about another guy's mom, he's likely to get his ass kicked." " Come on, Charlie, please don't get all macho on me." " You couldn't take me when I was a girl." " Don't change the subject." " We're talking about you and my mother." " Why haven't you told her?" "  Told her what?" "  That you're lactose intolerant." " What do you think?" "  Stop yelling at me." "  I'm not yelling at you!" " Yes, you are!" " Okay, I'm sorry." " Look, you need to understand that no matter how much I hate my mother, I love my mother, and I don't want to see her get hurt." " So, you got to tell her before she finds out the hard way." " Or whatever way she finds out." " But what if she rejects me?" " Welcome to the rodeo, Calamity Jane." " You want to be a real man?" " Grab hold of those store-bought balls and just tell the truth." " Yeah, you're right." " We still friends?" " Yeah." " Sure." " I'm glad." " They're made out of Teflon, you know." " Okay, Rule Number 2..." "What'd I miss?" " Nothing." " I don't think he's told her yet." " What are you doing here?" " You finished cleaning hours ago." " I took a nap in the laundry room so I'd be fresh for the big show." " Okay, I think he's going for it." "  Wow, that went surprisingly well." "  Damn." " Wait a minute, what's he doing?" " There you go." " See you tomorrow." " Okay, we'll make a list." " The pros and cons of continuing your relationship with Bill." "  Mom?" "  Well, he certainly understands women." " Okay, that's a pro." " He used to be a woman." " I'll put con." " He slept with Charlie when he was a woman." " Pro." " No, wait, con." " Definitely con." "  He knows what I like in bed." "  He knows what I like in bed." " We'll call that a wash." "  What's the score?" "  It's about even." " He's gorgeous." " He can afford beach-front property and he's got a trunk full of fabulous shoes that fit me perfectly." " Don't wait up, Mommy's got a date."