"My girlfriend and I had just spent an entire movie doing this." " Things were going pretty great." " A buck a gallon." " One dollar for a gallon of gasoline." " You guys make it to a third date, she's pitching in." " Only problem... when we stopped kissing," "I had no idea how to talk to her." " Uh, well, that was a fun movie." " Yeah." " Movies... are fun." " Holy hell, my head's about to explode." " You just spent two hours watching people talk." " Didn't you pick up any tricks?" " I'm gonna jump-start this." " Conversation topics..." "Food, the beach, cat vs dog." " Greatest song ever written..." "I'll give you a hint." " It's "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers." "  Condoms?" "  Whoa, all right." " Well, you're throwing me a curve, but I'll roll with you, Heather." " What's with the gimmicky prophylactics?" " I mean, you got the ribbed this, the glow-in-the-dark that." " Whatever happened to the good, old-fashioned latex." " It's a penis." " I don't need to dress it up like it's leading a parade." " Anyone else want to jump in?" " No, I'm actually sitting on a box of condoms." " Oh, yeah." " Those are mine." " Well, why are they in the car?" " That was the last place I used them." "  Hey!" " Ew!" "  Really?" " Tell you what." " If you ever left the house on the weekends, your mother and I wouldn't have to use the car like animals." " There." " Now you've got something to talk about." " You're welcome." " Aww, look how cute you look in this." " I think the laser beams make you look like a space captain who means business." " Mom, don't put that up." " It was during my awkward phase." " What the hell phase do you think you're in now?" " All right, everybody, listen up." " Your mother's having surgery tomorrow." " She's gonna be okay, right?" " She's not gonna die, right?" " Oh, my God." " If mom died, it would just be us and dad." " Right, like I'd stick around." " First of all, you would." " It's in my will." " And second of all, no one's dying." " I'm just having a cyst removed." " Ew." " Old people have the weirdest problems." " Whatever." " Society dictates that parents are supposed to live for their children." " I don't subscribe to that belief." " It is a perversion." " I live for your mother, and this weekend is about her recovery." " I'm in charge of her well-being." " You two are in charge of not being a pain in the ass." " If you fail, I will hog-toss you into the pool." " Which reminds me, I got to turn the pool heater off." " Well, I'm hanging out with Heather tomorrow, so I'm not gonna be a problem." " Good." " Okay, I am going to be fine." " And by the way, when do I get to meet Heather?" " When you bump into her in the mall with her new boyfriend." " This kid can't string two words together when he's around her." " Maybe it's because we know each other so well, we don't need to talk..." "Like grandma and grandpa." " Grammy and grandpa don't talk 'cause they hate each other." " It's true." " I think the only thing keeping them alive is the thought of seeing the other one die." " I don't know what Heather sees in him." " She's super-pretty, not like me pretty, but... yeah, she's pretty." " I think Frankie could use some fatherly advice about how to talk to women." " Like he's so great at it." " Does it need to be from his father?" " Look, maybe I shouldn't interfere." " This could be natural selection trying to weed him out of the gene pool." " Fine, but you're dealing with him when they break up." " And remember, he owns an acoustic guitar." " Dude." " Do you think that me and Heather are gonna last?" " Probably not." " You will not believe the score we just made." "" Casablanca"?" " Did somebody tell you there's boobs in that." " 'Cause I watched it with my mom." " And for sure, there's not." " It's just a bunch of sad European guys making hard choices." " Open it." "" Naked Babes from Outer Space."" " Space chicks could have three, four boobs." " There are no limits." " How did you do this?" " I slipped through the curtain while George stood watch, disguised." " That wasn't a disguise." " My lazy eye was acting up." " What was it like in there?" " I want to live in that room, man." " Chick-a-chick-ah." " Chick-a-chick-ah." " I get it the first two days." " Then it'll go on rotation." " I put together a sign-out sheet." " So the "Casablanca" tape is in a porn case right now." " So what?" " Where are the alien boobs?" " Shh!" " I want to see if she gets on the plane." " Boys." " If you're here tomorrow when my wife gets home from surgery," "I'm throwing you in the pool." "  Got it." "  Got it." " Wait a minute." " He did it." " That "Casablanca"?" " Why wouldn't it be?" " That's Joanne's favorite movie." " Me, I prefer my war movies to actually have war in them." " But... thanks." " I'll return it tomorrow." " This counts as your day." " Let's go for a ride." " Can we take the car that you and mom haven't done it in?" " No such car." " Also, if you're trying to avoid places where your mother and I have gotten intimate, you'll want to get off that bed." " Ew!" " I can't believe you're taking me to a strip club!" " I-if this is one of those things that counts as, like, my Christmas and birthday present at the same time," "I'm totally cool with it." " Hey, settle down." " Now, if you don't learn how to talk to a girl like a normal human being, you will become this..." "The man that goes to a strip club during the day." " They are the lowest form of life..." "So desperate they can't even wait till the cover of darkness." " Doesn't seem that bad to me." " Sir." " When was the last time you had a date with a woman?" " Define date." " Okay." " I rest my case." " Now... keep walking." " So, you got two choices here, champ." " Either learn to talk to girls, or end up like these pathetic human beings." "  Hey!" "  Enjoy the buffet." " Well, I don't know what to talk to her about." " That's because you barely know each other." " So change that." " Or don't and spend your days here, eating a crappy steak and trying to ignore the C-section scars." " S-so, we're not going in?" " Get in the car." " The only thing my dad cared about was my mom's recovery." " How you feeling?" " Okay, good." " You're gonna feel groggy for just a little bit." " Nothing to worry about it." " But if you have four to six bouts of diarrhea in an hour," " you just let me know." "  Oh, trust me, you'll know." " Honey, do you feel like" " we lied to the kids?" "  No." " We could have just said," ""Mom had a cyst removed and also got her tubes tied."" " Don't they have a right to know?" " No." " No, they have no rights." " They're basically parasites that nature's conditioned us to love." " I just think they need to know that the door that brought them into this world" "Is now closed." " We're getting a little excited now, and that's exactly why we hadn't tell them that you got your tubes tied." " Mom got her tubes tied?" "  No." "  Big time." " Rachel, just because you hear our conversations doesn't make you a part of them." " Now beat it." " We're not gonna excite your mother." " You just relax, honey." " I'm gonna put on some Carly Simon." " Mom, there's someone I'd like you to meet." " Is this the world-famous Heather?" " No." " You have to stay for dinner." " Yeah, no." " You've had major surgery." "  Got to relax." "  Okay, nonsense." " Nonsense." " I'm gonna go change my clothes." " Why don't you start?" " How do you feel about chopping vegetables?" " 'Cause I probably shouldn't be holding a knife." " Uh-oh." " What were you thinking?" " Why is she here?" " I wanted her to get to know me better, which was your advice." " I meant take her for a walk in the park, not bring her to a retirement party for your mom's ovaries." " Rachel, Rachel." " Get in here." " Get in... get in here." " Faster, faster." " Listen to me, you two." " I know your mom." " She loves you kids way more than she should, and she has decided to stop having more of your kind." " Now, that has turned her into a bubbling volcano of emotion that could erupt at anytime." " Do not be the sorry ass that sets her off." " Do you hear me?" " No more surprises." " Are we clear?" " Who the hell is that?" " Doug." " If Frankie gets to bring a date, I'm bringing one." " This is a new sweater!" " Now get out of here before my wife sees you." " Not a word, or you're next." " Right." " Don't even." " Favorite childhood moment right there." " Psst." " Come on." " What are you guys doing here?" " Your dad has "Casablanca."  Can you grab it for us?" " What?" " G..." "I don't know where he put it!" " I've got way more important stuff to deal with right now." " Oh, more important than space boobs?" "!" "  Shh!" "  He didn't mean it, man." " Come on." " We're getting that tape back." " Okay, here comes the dinner train." " Chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga, chh." " More like the vicodin train." " Oh, I didn't know you guys were going swimming." " Seriously, Heather Blumeyer, I am not in the mood." " This situation sucked." " I just couldn't let Heather realize how much." " Did anyone catch that episode of the "Fresh Prince" last night?" " So, mom got her tubes tied." " It was the one where Will sets Geoffrey up on a blind date." " Oh, boy." " It does not go well." " Why didn't dad just get a vasectomy?" " I have offered many, many times." " I offered on our honeymoon." " Oh, it's way easier for guys." " Allison's dad got snipped, and he went horseback riding that night." " Allison's dad is a big, fat liar." " His scrotum would rip open like a bag of chips." " Oh, good." " Scrotum talk." " Okay, honey, it was just more convenient." " I was having a cyst removed anyway." " So while they were down there, I was like," ""Why don't you just, you know..."" "Tss!" " Tss!" " I mean..." "I-I don't know, honey." " You're the doctor." " Why don't you explain?" " No, as always, I think we should eat in silence." " I second that." " It's out in the open." "  They might as well know the facts." "  Thank you." " Okay, let's say this chicken is your mother." " It's not." " Inside here is her reproductive system." " Let me just dig it on out so we know what we're working with." " Doesn't seem necessary, but there it is." " Say these green beans are the fallopian tubes." " They go something like that." " And all surgeon does is just do a little snip there, little snip like that..." "Off you go." " Off you go." " And then... preventing the eggs from entering the uterus." " Right?" " Goodbye, babies." " Hello, law school." " The thing you've always wanted to do and are currently enrolled in." " Okay, Heather, you got to try this stuffing." " It's my grandmother's recipe." " Oh, you know what?" " I had a really big lunch." " I'll just get us some more water." " Okay, this had gone as bad as it could possibly go." " What's that smell?" " Everyone happy?" " Next time you baked a pie, set the time." " I-I'm sorry." " That's my fault." " I'm still fuzzy from surgery this morning." " You made this woman cook for you, right after she had a surgery?" " Don't you have a calendar to pose for?" " Or something?" " It-it's not a big deal." " I just had my tubes tied." " You know vasectomy's much less evasive, right?" " Boy, you guys got a lot more attitude since that backdraft movie came out." " You need a vasectomy and go horse backriding on the same day." " My tubes tied?" " You want to call the cops, so you can tell them too?" " No." " You okay?" " Yeah." " I just..." "I can't believe that pie just like, caught on fire," "Okay, here we are, moment of truth." "  Yeah." "  Yeah." " Use your words." "  Fire's bad." "  Fire's bad?" " What are you, a caveman?" " I need a miracle to turn this around." " We got the porno." " Okay, Mikey." " Thank you so much." " George." " Mikey." " Casablanca." " Did you bring that for me?" "  Oh." " We were just." "  You guys are so sweet." " This is my favorite movie." "  Can we watch it now?" "  No!" " W... uh..." "I didn't rewind it." " Oh, that's okay." " Oh, good." " It's at the beginning." " Dr. Dunlevy and I used to watch it when I was pregnant with Frankie." "  What the hell's going on here?" " Oh, good God." " They handed him to me." " And your father looked at me and said..." ""Here's looking at you, kid."" " And here's the emotional volcano my dad had warned us about." " The cherry on top?" " Porn!" " He was so tiny." " He was huge and bloody." " It was 26 hours of labor." " You prayed for death twice." " Who wants to go get ice cream?" " Oh, yeah." " He had a huge head." " You were built like a lollipop." " I need someone to stay here with her." " I will." " Fantastic." " Okay." " Bye-bye." " Okay." " There you have it." " Heather would rather spend time at home with my mom than another second with me." " It was over." " Heather." " I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship." " Dad, this ice-cream place is closed." " Aw, that's too bad." " Do you guys remember how to get home?" " Yeah." " Why?" " Mrs. Dunlevy?" " Oh, hi, honey." " I'm actually feeling much better after taking one of these." " I don't know why people don't take drugs all the time." " My uncle Rick does." " He's in jail now." " You have a junkie uncle?" " Me, too." " If he was a part-time kickboxer, I'm gonna lose it." " This is fun." " Tell me more about you." " Well, I was born in D.C." "Oh, D.C." "And I have two brothers who are..." "Hippies." " Gay." " I was gonna say that they're 28 and 30." " Wow, they are much older than you." " My parents had me kind of late in life." " They call me their "happy little accident."" "" Happy little accident."" " So you weren't even supposed to be here." " And you're just this beautiful, precious jewel." " Um, you know what?" " Maybe we're done with these for right now." " Oh, come on!" " I can't believe my girlfriend picked hanging out with my drugged-up mom over me." " I can't believe I'm not watching aliens do it." " Who cares, you idiots?" "!" " We're seven miles from home!" " And I'm the only one hot enough to hitchhike." " Hey!" " Honey, I'm back." " The kids decided to hang out in the park for five to seven hours." " Jack, I want to have more babies." " If you're responsible for this, I hope you can swim." " Now, Joanne, calm down." " You don't want any more children." " I know." " It..." "It just feels so final, so abrupt." " Just like... boom!" " You can steal a baby for me, Jack." " You work in a hospital." " If I'm going to prison, it's not gonna be for grabbing a new kid." " It'll be for getting rid of the old ones." " Uh, Mrs. Dunlevy..." "Heather, I spared you the pool." " Don't make me regret that." " What do you know about regrets, Jack?" "!" " Here." " Eat this." " I noticed you didn't eat anything at dinner, so..." "Oh, thank you." " Thank you." " Oh, thank you, Heather." " That's exactly what I needed." " Thank you, Heather." " Mm-hmm." " I'll get that." " I'm so hungry." " Hello, again." " I found these four trying to cross a freeway." "  Were they on fire?" "  No, but..." "Then it's none of your business." " Jackass." " Wow." " What a night, huh?" " I'll just do a quick lap around the living room and head out." " Go home." " But it's..." "So, you probably want to go too, huh?" " Um..." "Okay." " I'll go call my parents." " Psst!" " Come here." " What the hell is wrong with you?" " You're letting that girl go?" " What..." "You want the Dunlevy name to end with you?" " It's over." " There's no possible way she could like me after tonight." " Or were you not paying attention because you were playing with mom's chicken uterus." " Normally I wouldn't give a rat's ass if this whole thing fell apart, but that girl stayed here all night and did not complain." " She likes you." " Go talk with her." "  It's hard!" "  No!" " Curing cancer is hard." " Learning mandarin..." "Now, that's hard." " Listening to you bitch about Heather..." "That's getting very hard." " Oh, well, if only I were Jack and I could say whatever I want and I'd talk about science and I'd have sex in every room of the house!" " We didn't hit the laundry room." " I don't care!" " Just stop giving me this crap, you psychopath!" " Wow." " Feels kind of nice not to hold anything back and just say whatever you're thinking, right?" " Yeah." " Which is what you need to do with Heather." " 'Cause I'm telling you..." "She's a keeper." " Okay, I lied." " There was one time in the laundry room." " We get in." " We get the tape." " We get out." " Wrong room, pervs." " George." " We need to go now." " Yeah, you should go..." "'Cause it's about to get hot." " Run!" " Honey, do you realize that in three years our kids will be gone for good?" " Yes." " I have a calendar where I'm crossing off the days." " I'm saying it's a bad thing." " It's not a bad thing." " You don't want more kids." " You want to be a lawyer." " I know." " I know it's the right decision." " It's just..." "I'm gonna miss being a parent, Jack." " And do you really believe that being a parent ends the minute Frankie goes off to community college and Rachel becomes a bikini girl at a car show?" " I'm setting the bar low so we're not disappointed." " They just don't need us as much anymore." " Why did we teach them to walk?" " Are you kidding me?" " I just had to stress to our son the importance of talking to his supermodel girlfriend." " I am begging for them to need us less." " We're never gonna stop being parents." " It's like a life sentence with no hope of parole." " That's the sweetest thing you could have ever said to me." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Mm." " Thank you." " Heather!" " I got something to say!" " Why are you yelling?" " I don't know!" " Look, I'm sorry about tonight, but that's my family." " They're weird and my parents have sex everywhere." " But the point is, I don't always tell you how I feel." " But I like you, and I want to get to know you better because I think you're amazing." " 'Cause I was walking back from the ice-cream place." " And I turned to Mikey." " I was like, "Mikey, I-I don't know..."" "Frankie, just stop talking." " Okay." " I'm not gonna lie to you and say I suddenly got great at talking." " But I found out sometimes just being honest is enough." " Would you two knock it off?" " We get it." " You like each other." " 'Cause, hey, life's always gonna figure out a way to embarrass you." " Our detector rods are showing signs of life on this planet." " I'm detecting a rod right now." " Old movies are gross." " I don't remember "Casablanca" being this good." " No." " Turn it off, Jack." "" Naked Babes from Outer Space"?" " We're sorry, sir." " That was not intended for your family's viewing." " It's okay." " It was surprisingly well-written." " Still, you know what has to happen, right?" "  Yes." "  Do I have to do it, or would you rather go with honor?" " I regret nothing." " Good God, that's cold."