In the feel-good heartwarmer of the year, last week, Ugly Betty extra, Step Up 3D bit player, and all-around cuddly snuggle bottom Michael Brea chopped off his mother’s head with a fancy sword.  Brea recently spoke with the New York Daily News, clarifying, “I didn’t kill her, I killed the demon inside of her.” 

I’ve heard enough. (* bangs gavel*) OBJECTION SUSTAINED. 

When told his mother, Yannick Brea, 55, had died in the grisly assault early Tuesday [her body was found “badly hacked, decapitated and stabbed multiple times in another room.”],  Michael was unrepentant. 

“So be it.  It was the work of God,” he said. “ I was sleeping in my bedroom.  God came above my bed and reached his arm to me,” said Brea

“I said, ‘God, is my time on earth over?’  I heard a voice say, ‘Yes Michael, today is your last day.’  I asked if I could say goodbye to my family.” 

The 31-year-old Brea said he told no one about the dream, but the following afternoon, he said he received another sign while at the Prince Hall Masonic Temple in Harlem, which he’d joined a week earlier.  There, he said, a man approached and tried to put a curse on him. 

“[He] kept trying to put something in my hand but wouldn’t show it to me.  I kept opening my hand.  It was a Freemason pin.  I wouldn’t touch it,” Brea said. 

He began feeling ill and left, and while riding the train back to Brooklyn, he said, strangers began speaking to him about his mother. 

“I felt like Neo from ‘The Matrix.’  I began hearing voices and feeling powerful,” Brea said. “ They were asking about the difference between mom and mother.  It was a sign.” 

When he returned to the family’s Prospect Heights apartment, Brea hugged his mother, a God-fearing Haitian immigrant with whom relatives say he had long been very close. 

“I knew I would never see my mother again,” he said. “ I gave her lots of love.” 

He went to his room and lit candles, placed a dagger and a 3-foot ceremonial Freemason sword by his side.  Investigators said he had stolen the sword from the Masonic lodge, but Brea insisted his father had given it to him when he was a child. 

His mother then knocked on the door and asked him to go to the kitchen and pour water from a pot in which she was cooking three chickens. 

“I looked at these chickens lying dead in the pot and a voice told me it was a sacrifice.  It was black magic,” he said. 

BLACK magic?  Why, because she was sacrificing chickens?  That’s racist. 

Brea left the chickens alone and went back to his room.  When his mother asked why he did not do what she had asked, he said she spoke with a different voice. 

“She had the voice of the demon.  I opened the door with the dagger at my side and the sword,” he said. “ I asked, ‘Do you believe in God?’  She said, ‘No, Michael no,’ and began screaming.  I began slashing her like this,” he said, bringing his right hand down in a violent hacking motion. 

“I didn’t want to kill her right away.  I wanted to give her time to get right with God,” he said. 

By this point police had arrived outside the apartment, but Brea said he had no doubt he would be able to finish the job. 

“I was slashing my mom and I heard the police knocking on the door yelling, ‘Michael, open up, Michael, open up,’ but I knew they wouldn’t open the door and stop me because the spirits were protecting me,” he said. 

“I just kept cutting her.  No one could stop me.  I was doing the work of God,” he said. “ I’m named after a saint myself – Saint Michael.  He was protecting the house from the police.  They weren’t allowed to enter the apartment.” 

“Grand Architect of the Universe means God,” he said, referring to an expression neighbors said he shouted as he was being removed from the bloody scene. “ I was praising God.  To you it might sound silly, but in my culture demons are very real.” 

Well sure, it’s part of his culture.  We can’t judge.  It’s these cultural differences that make America such a wonderful melting pot.  That was my favorite part of the Matrix, by the way, the part where Neo kills his mom because she talked in a demon voice. 

Gah soQ’Be!  Finally got the Vulcans to restore Grethor’s computers.  Those little techno-nerds tried to bitch Him out about looking at “Smooth-headed Rommie Mommies Dot Com” using IE7, so He had them sent to the galley for KP. 

KP on a Klingon ship involves a lot more anal sex than one might realize, particularly terran baktags like you. 

To be fair.  Have you ever had boiled chicken?  Clearly the work of Lucifer. 

11.30.10 at 1:50 pm

Stinky Peet

Dammit, put * detective picks up victims head * in front of that one.  Best pun I come up with in weeks and I screw the goddamn pooch…

* pours out Four Loko for Leslie Nielsen *

11.30.10 at 1:57 pm

ChinoMoreno

Chicken #1: How was work today? 

Chicken #2: Crazy busy!  I was running around like an extra’s mom with her head cut off! 

11.30.10 at 2:16 pm

Dingus

That sounds like some pretty voodoo-hoodoo shit.  No wonder the so-called ‘Freemasons’ are behind it.  I find them to be subversive, unpatriotic, and somehow connected to international Jewry. 

11.30.10 at 2:20 pm

Ragnarok

Didn’t Bill Paxton already do this? 

11.30.10 at 2:28 pm

Morton Salt

That sounds like some pretty voodoo-hoodoo shit.  No wonder the so-called ‘Freemasons’ are behind it.  I find them to be subversive, unpatriotic, and somehow connected to international Jewry. 

I grew up just off of National Avenue in Milwaukee.  On this street there really was a pawn shop called “InterNational Jewry”.  It was between “$1.000 Dollar Buck Scoop China Food Tasteeyz” and a dojo simply called, “Kung Tai Chinese Fu Chi Weapons!” 

11.30.10 at 3:00 pm

40 Degree Day

“LORD!  I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!  AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME?  WITH BIT PARTS ON UGLY BETTY AND STEP UP 3D????  YOU DIDN’T EVEN LET ME SAVE THE REC CENTER!!!!!  YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??  I’LL NEVER FORGET THIS, EVA!!!!  YEAH, I’LL KILL HER THO..”

11.30.10 at 3:22 pm

Ace Rimmer

“I was sleeping in my bedroom.  God came above my bed and reached his arm to me,” said Brea. 

Odd, this used to happen to me a lot as well.  He looked a bit like my step-dad. 

11.30.10 at 3:39 pm

Ferrybear

Lets be fair people.  Crazy people don’t know that their crazy. 

11.30.10 at 4:21 pm

GoldenOne

That’s cool and imma let you finish, but “smelly porn dude who fell off of a cliff” had the best crazy guy with a sword slashing story of all time!!! 

11.30.10 at 4:32 pm

DenisNedry

Think of the actors Step Up 3D actually turned down for a role…

11.30.10 at 5:30 pm

duckusucker

Two questions.  One, is this guy Colombus “Stomp the Yard” Short’s tranny brother?  And two, is Fek really the only magnificiant bastard in this post to make a Highlander joke?  For shame. 

11.30.10 at 5:40 pm

MenaceIISobriety

maybe a Four Loko-fueled swordfight?  like Wednesdays @ my crib

11.30.10 at 8:06 pm

david.w.rahfeldt

TIme for a bit of education here. 

FreeMasonry does NOT use swords for any purpose at all in mainstream FreeMasonry. 

Mainstream FreeMasonry is called “Blue Lodge” Masonry and is the “Masonry” that most everyone means when they speak of Masonry. 

The ONLY group that is Masonic that uses Ceremonial Swords is the Masonic Knights Templar …

Prince Hall Masonry as for most of its history Masonry for Black Men and was not recognized by the Mainstream Masonic Lodges or Grand Lodges. 

After many years of arguement, everyone slowly, one state at a time, agreed that Men who take the same values, and the same obligations to each other and to humanity to serve and help evolve themselves, families, communities and humanity for a better future, are indeed brothers in Masonry. 

However, Prince Hall Masonry does NOT use swords in their ritual either …

However ALL blue lodges … Prince Hall and Regular Lodges … use a ceremonial sword as a token symbol of the lodge being “tyled” (meaning sealed for a private meating) kept by a member standing outside the door of the Lodge Room (meeting room). 

These swords are truly ceremonial and while you could probably bruse someone badly if you hacked at them hard, for a prolonged period of time (minutes), cutting off their head or even a finger would be very difficult.  a plastic picnic knife would work better.  They are however long and pointy and so i guess you could stab with one if you used enough force. 

Since they have little value other than as a ceremonial symbol and are usually so dull you could not cut even the softest luncheon meat with them, they are left laying about often by the Lodge Room Door. 

Ergo, stealing one would not have been that difficult, but to make it useful he would have had to have sharpened it on his own. 

This is a bit like sneaking backstage at a movie or theatre company and stealing a stage prop and then killing someone by shoving the plastic stage pinapple up their ass or some silly thing.  Only a lunatic would choose this method. 

Prince Hall Masonry, like regular Masonry does background checks on potential members and is interested only in men of integrity,honor, committment to the betterment of self and mankind. 

IF it is true that he joined a Masonic Lodge … is sounds like he had some pre-existing mental health problem that was profound or started taking new and different drugs that he reacted poorly too, or some such issue. 

This has nothing to do with Masonry, other than that the Lodge was apparently a place where he happened to be when he had some significant neurological problem that evolved to delusions and homicide. 

Sad, but not Masonry, just a sad situation where some poor guy destroyed a life due to a medical or neurological medical condition or drug problem. 

A good lesson for folks to stay away from drugs and alcohol probably …

To make every moment of our lives count as if there might not be a tommorow …

Be well and do good unto all

David

11.30.10 at 8:16 pm

spazmodic

Where do the Stonecutters fit in, David?  And have they rescinded their policy on Homers yet? 

11.30.10 at 8:18 pm

Ace Rimmer

This is a bit like sneaking backstage at a movie or theatre company and stealing a stage prop and then killing someone by shoving the plastic stage pinapple up their ass or some silly thing.  Only a lunatic would choose this method. 

CARUSO: An anal ananas?  Looks like what we’ve got here is

*sunglasses*

a juicy fruit. 

11.30.10 at 8:21 pm

spazmodic

However ALL blue lodges … use a ceremonial sword as a token symbol of the lodge being “tyled” (meaning sealed for a private meating) kept by a member standing outside the door of the Lodge Room (meeting room). 

Surely a sock on the door handle would suffice? 

11.30.10 at 8:23 pm

Ace Rimmer

Too bad Raymond Burr isn’t around.  I’m sure he could get Brea off with a bit of Masonry. 

11.30.10 at 8:25 pm

spazmodic

*googles “ananas”*

Seriously, Ace: how-or-why the FUCK do you know that? 

11.30.10 at 8:29 pm

spazmodic

Did Perry ever do cases pro bono?  Because if he did, my shitty joke might work. 

11.30.10 at 8:30 pm

spazmodic

/italics before ?,  please. 

11.30.10 at 8:33 pm

Ace Rimmer

Nothing special, just one of the benefits of having a first language other than English. 

(The other one: not understanding phrases like “not tonight”, “age of consent”, or indeed “no”.)