Improve the way you make decisions to prevent future regrets. “ We don’t always have control over outcomes, but we do have control over our process,” says Amy Summerville, a psychology professor at Miami University.  Research your options — but avoid “maximizing,” or exhaustively considering every possibility in search of the perfect. “ Focus on what’s good enough for you,” Summerville says. 

Research suggests that around age 7, humans develop an ability for what’s called counterfactual thinking, the capacity to imagine what might have been.  In one study, Americans list romance as a top source of regret, followed by family, education, career and finance.  Social regrets — wishing you’d married someone else, for instance — tend to be more intense than nonsocial ones.  People identify regret as the second most common emotional state, after love.  Don’t worry too much about missteps: Regrets of action (quitting a job, say) are generally stronger at first but fade more quickly than regrets of inaction (staying in a career you dislike), which persist and can become a sort of passive wistfulness. 

Imagine regret as the psychological version of physical pain, drawing attention to something inside that’s off or in need of healing. “ Regret is a signal that you’re learning from your mistakes,” Summerville says.  If you wish you were more communicative about your emotions with an ex-lover, for example, let that feeling steer you to more openness in future relationships.  Consider seeking help from a therapist if you experience what Summerville calls “ruminative regret,” the negative thoughts that arise repeatedly, unbidden, alongside anxiety and depression. “ Poking at a wound in that way is not going to make it better,” she says. 

Give voice to regret.  Studies indicate that the effort to communicate the emotion is driven by a desire for closeness with others.  Preliminary data from what Summerville calls her Regret Lab suggests that people hearing about regret do feel closer to those divulging it. “ If you have regrets about the things you haven’t done well in your relationships,” she says, “this may be a good time to tell people that.”