Learning to have an Orgasm

A Problem For Men & Women

The inability to experience orgasm, also called “anorgasmia,” can be frustrating!  Did you know that both men and women can have this problem?  Many people do not realize that men sometimes have “delayed ejaculation,” which means that it can take a very long time to have orgasm and ejaculate.  It may sound like a “good problem,” until it happens to you. 

Orgasm in women and men is similar in that it is usually considered the gratifying end of a sexual experience.  During foreplay, there is usually a build up of sexual tension that is released both in the muscles and nerves of the body, as well as the emotions.  When people share an experience together, having orgasms in one another’s presence is an expression of pleasure and often vulnerability, intimacy, and love.  An orgasm releases many chemicals in the brain that help a person feel close to their partner, as well as heals the body.  Orgasms also help balance hormones, relieve aches and pains, help people to sleep, and other benefits. 

For most women, anorgasmia is caused by many things, ranging from lack of knowledge about the clitoris–the pleasure center of a woman’s body–to being inhibited by a religious upbringing or perhaps experiencing sexual abuse.  Some medications can be a problem, as can hormone imbalances.  In any case, women must first understand their bodies in privacy, then share their learning with a partner.  Most women are unable to have vaginal orgasm, so they must learn what does turn them on in terms of sexual exploration and play.  Their partners need to understand that every woman is different and may have her own way of having an orgasm. 

Women can try a few things:

Take time to explore your body–all of it.  See what feels good so that you can share this with your partner. 

Try masturbating a few times a week.  You may not have an orgasm right away, but your body will start to get primed more easily. 

Do Kegel exercises, that is, exercise your pelvic floor.  This makes the muscles stronger and nerves more sensitive, which can make having orgasm easier. 

For men, delayed orgasm can be confusing.  It can also be caused by many factors, including being inhibited or embarrassed by having orgasm with a partner, having had a particular style of masturbation, or being used to high levels of sexual stimulation.  Medications and age are also factors.  Once the problem is identified, treatment can begin.  Men can try a few things, too:

Take a break from all masturbation, then try masturbating in a more normative way. 

See what happens if you stop masturbating and start having intercourse more frequently. 

Be sure to tell your doctor about delayed ejaculation if you are taking any medications. 

Whether you are a woman or man, if the suggestions don’t help, then you may really benefit from sex therapy.  A thorough assessment can help you understand the nature of the blocks to sexual pleasure.  Almost anyone can improve their capacity for orgasm, so it is definitely worth scheduling an appointment if you have difficulty with one of life’s pure pleasures. 

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The Buehler Institute is approved by the American Psychological Association to sponsor continuing education for psychologists.  The Buehler Institute maintains responsibility for this program and its content.