Welcome Lords and emotionally unstable Ladies (and no smallfolk ever, of course).  Tonight is the 4th Seasonable Primetime Carol Awards, TV’s most prestigious event.  You see, while other award shows try to be “fair” by allowing non-Game of Thrones nominees, we here understand that HBO’s smash hit should stand on a playing field of its own.  How else could we possibly capture all the greatness the 8th and final season had to offer than to have 40 unique Golden Carols on the table in our hyper-competitive categories.  Of course, the real winners tonight are the master storytellers David Benioff and Dan Weiss (D&D), without whom, none of this would be possible.  No, seriously. 

The Carol Awards first began when the…uniqueness of Season 5 had just aired.  That’s when we knew just how competitive a Golden Carol could be.  Our second Carol Awards show, hosted right here, was so dramatically satisfying that it made us want to empoweredly stab our family members in revenge (just like multiple Golden Carol-winner, Faullaria Sand).  And who could forget the Season 7 Carols?  Varys became the first ever three-year winner in the same category, while the newcomer Prince Ragger made a name for himself in no time. 

So here we are, at last, at the final season of the show.  In a very surprising twist, it seems our Good Queen Carol actually made an appearance on our TVs again too!  Yet it is with a heavy heart that we report once again, this awards show is in memoriam of our favorite monarch. 

Still, we must be strong, just like our namesake.  Tonight is a night for celebration.  You voted, and our esteemed winners are waiting to be announced.  Without further ado, let’s let the Carol Awards begin! 

Our awards presentations are found in the below audio track (mp3 here), and you can click to reveal the winners yourself below.  And now…your MCs…Kylie, Julia, and Caroline! 

Most Meta Line

“Cocks are important, I’m afraid.”  Varys discussing the ideal ruler

“Why do you think I came all this way?”  Bran, on being asked to become king

“And yet I can’t help but feel, we’re at odds with one another.”  Dany to Sansa

“Maybe I will have that drink” Davos after listening to Tormund’s story about giant’s milk

“You seem determined to despise her” Tyrion to Sansa about Dany

“The Night’s Watch still exists?”  Jon after being told he was being exiled there

“Everywhere she goes, evil men die and we cheer her for it.”  Tyrion to Jon about reactions to Dany

Bran shouting “We don’t have time for this!”  when Sansa and Dany meet

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Most Emmy-worthy Line

“I know a killer when I see one.”  Arya warning Jon about Dany, after Dany has burned down all of King’s Landing

“Heard you were broken in rough” Sandor, enquiring about Sansa’s rape and subsequent trauma

“A proposal is what I’m proposing” Davos Seaworth

“Then all their cocksucking grandsons can ruin the family with their cocksucking ways” Bronn to Tyrion and Jaime

“So much for the Breaker of Chains,” the joke Cersei said after Missandei, a slave who had been freed, was killed while wearing chains. 

“Arya was the one who killed the Night King!”  Sansa Stark

” You know who makes weapons for the wildlings?  Cripples and cocksuckers.”  Sandor to Gendry

“Now, which one of you cowards shit my pants?”  Tormund Giantsbane

“Because I have balls and you don’t.”  Tyrion to Varys

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Best Dressed Award

Sansa’s coronation dress inspired by Cersei Lannister and Margaery Tyrell. 

Cersei’s burgundy battle dress

Pod’s Kingsguard armour

Dany’s evil queen outfit

Varys’s fur-lined coat and gloves, but no hood

Royce’s breastplate and/or puffy turtleneck

Brienne’s heartbreak housecoat

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Most Stylish Plot Armour

The layer of dust that protected Arya in a burning King’s Landing

Jon, Dany, and the Night’s King’s matching sets of “falling off a dragon mid-air and suffering no injuries” armor

Jon not being roasted by Drogon after killing Dany

The magical rock that protected Jon from Ice Viserion’s blast

Pod, Jaime, and Brienne surviving waves o’ zombies

Euron jumping ship and swimming miles to shore

Jaime making it to Cersei after being stabbed repeatedly in the stomach

The Night’s King being immune to dragonfire

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Best Prop

Arya’s double-sided obsidian stick

The White Book

Floor Map

The steam around Gendry

The fallen Liberty Bell

Dany’s Starbucks cup

The water bottles at the Dragonpit

“A Song of Ice and Fire”, by Maester Slughorn

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Finest Symbolism

Drogon burns the Iron Throne

The white horse

Dany’s dragon wings imagery

The crack across Floor Map

The fallen Liberty Bell

Sandor deciding he hates his brother enough to die in fire

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Best Sex Scene

Arya/Gendry

Brienne/Jaime

Cersei/Euron

Bronn and the distracted sex workers

Pod and the girls he had a threesome with

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Best Military Tactic

The Army of the Living putting siege equipment outside the gates and in front of the Unsullied

The Army of the Living putting the Unsullied and Dothraki in front of the trenches

The Dothraki cavalry charging straight into the dark abyss and getting unceremoniously slaughtered by the army of wights

The Golden Company lining up outside the walls of King’s Landing. 

Team Dany not letting their army rest after an apocalyptic battle

Cersei evilly allowing refugees into her castle

Dany & Drogon burning all the pot shops in Flea Bottom on the way to the Red Keep

Putting a literal little girl in charge of defending the one gate into the castle during the Long Night

The Iron Fleet attacking Dany’s fleet in Blackwater, but leaving Dragonstone completely open

Dany facing the Iron Fleet dead on after they killed Rhaegal instead of flanking the Iron Fleet and burning them that way, since their scorpions would take a long time to turn

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Best Political Machination

Varys declaring his intention to betray Dany for Jon to multiple people in the open

Varys dismissing a Jon/Dany marriage because she’s “too strong” for him

Varys using a random little girl to sneak poison into Dany’s food

Tyrion using his own trial as a way to become a kingmaker

Bran waiting in the courtyard at night in winter to tell Sam to tell Jon about his true parentage

Bran refusing to be Lord of Winterfell and then traveling down to King’s Landing where he knew he’d be made king

Jon telling Dany about his true parentage literally minutes before the Army of the Dead arrive

Sansa telling Tyrion about Jon’s true parentage, so that he tells Varys, only to be overheard by Dany so that she make her make ruthless decisions, thereby making Jon look better by comparison

Cersei pretending her baby is Euron’s

The Dornish and Ironborn remaining in the “six kingdoms” as the North declares independence

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Most Shocking Twist

Arya killing the Night’s King because Jon or Dany would be too obvious

Jon killing Dany because Tyrion told him to

Rhaegal being killed in three perfect shots because Dany kinda forgot about the Iron Fleet

Dany murdering random smallfolk because of bells and deciding to “make things personal” when she saw the Red Keep

Jon going back to the Night’s Watch

Jaime dumping Brienne and going back to Cersei

Bran being made king because he has the best story

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Most Creative Use of Teleportation

Jon’s army making it from The Trident to King’s Landing in “two days”

The Army of the Dead taking years to reach the Wall, but making it to Winterfell in 2 weeks

Grey Worm beating Jon to the steps in King’s Landing when we saw Jon leaving Grey Worm executing Lannister prisoners

Tormund, Beric, and Co. beating the Army of the Dead to Winterfell (but not to Last Hearth)

Grey Worm & Dany’s fleet making it to Dragonstone after being attacked by Euron’s fleet

King’s Landing teleporting to a desert

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Finest Impersonation

Jaime playing his season 1, episode 1 self

Dany playing a fascist dictator in episode 6

Cheryl playing Carol in her final moments

Arya playing a character from a survival horror video game in episode 3

Jon playing a broken record (“I don’t want it” “You’re my queen”)

The Starks being Lannisters (“she’s not one of us”)

Brienne playing a devastated housewife at the end of episode 4

Drogon playing a poetic, anti-feudalism philosopher

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Finest Fanservice Award

Arya flying through the air to kill the Night’s King

Jon riding Rhaegal

Jaime and Brienne having sex, only for Jaime to immediately ditch her. 

Jaime and Cersei dying in each other’s arms. 

The return of Tyrion’s brothel joke

Tyrion becoming Hand of the King

Maester Slughorn finishing “A Song of Ice and Fire”

Floor Map in the opening sequence

Cleganebowl HYPE

Bronn’s entire existence in season 8 (and him surviving and becoming Lord of Highgarden)

Lyanna killing the giant

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Best Trip Down Game of Thrones Memory Lane

Dany and Jon reenact Robert’s Entrance into Winterfell

Sansa reminisces about her trauma as character development

Brown eyes, green eyes, blue eyes

Jon and Arya bond over Needle

Arya and Sandor bond over how she left him for dead—but robbed him first

Sansa and Tyrion reminisce about their marriage and also the Purple Wedding

Tyrion plays another round of “Never have I ever”

Arya’s callback to “that’s not me” #2! 

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Finest Seeding Award

Arya will shut blue eyes

Snow on the Iron Throne foreshadowing the time it snowed

Dany engaging in warfare as a sign that she’ll one day roast random smallfolk

“The crypts are the safest place”

Melisandre and Varys both dying in Westeros, like she said they would

Arya stick-hitting to foreshadow her stick hitting zombies with a double-sided spear

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Most Empowering Moment

Sansa talking about how being “broken in rough” made her stronger

Dany and Sansa talking about boys instead of the political conflict between them

Brienne writing nice things about the guy who left her for his sister

Bran’s king title being “Bran the Broken”

Tyrion being anti bi-erasure when asking about Brienne’s sexual history

Arya checking sex off her bucket list

The little soup girl offering to defend the crypts

Lyanna killing a giant as she gets crushed to death

Sansa telling her uncle Edmure to sit down

Arya telling Yara that she’ll cut her throat if she threatens Jon again

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Most Earned Moment

Jon rides Rhaegal

Jaime’s “trial”

Arya killing the Night King

Cersei and Euron have sex

Jaime and Brienne have sex

Bran becoming King

Sansa becoming Queen

Dany snapping from the bells

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Most Meme-tastic Moment

Cersei really wanted those elephants

Floor Map in the opening sequence

Air Arya with a half-court dunk

Night King smirk

“…while Dany kinda forgot about the Iron Fleet”

“To be honest I never cared much for the people of King’s Landing”

Cleganebowl

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Most Convenient Resolution

Arya kills the Night’s King

Theon rescues Yara

Dany torches the Golden Company and Iron Fleet in 5.2 seconds

Euron perfectly snipes Rhaegal three times to take another dragon from Dany

Dany accepts Jaime because a few mains stan for him

Mel deciding she her storyline is over

Cersei dying before her pregnancy mattered at all

Sandor convinces Arya not to care about revenge anymore

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Most Poetic Death

Theon defending Bran

Jorah defending Dany

Lyanna Mormont taking out a giant

Beric tanking for Arya and Sandor

Euron fighting over something dumb and irrelevant

Cersei and Jaime dying holding hands and crying

Dany being put down for her own good

The Iron Throne being burned instead of Jon because of anti-feudalism symbolism

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Most Anachronistic Moment

Brienne, a highborn, unmarried, Westerosi woman, being shamed for being a virgin

The “Never Have I Ever” game

“I respect that.” —  Arya Stark

Gendry going down on one knee to propose to Arya

Tyrion being anti bi-erasure

Everyone being upset about aunt/nephew incest

The Starbucks cup

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The Award for Cleary Superior (Male) Leadership

Jon doing nothing but shout at a dragon during the Long Night but getting credit for winning the battle

Tyrion leading a meeting by recounting his story about a donkey and honeycomb in a brothel

Bran being made king for having the best story

Jon existing while having a penis

Tyrion creating a new form of government while bound as a prisoner

Tormund giving Jon credit for riding a dragon when Dany has been riding them for years (and used that skill to save Tormund last season)

Bran making Tyrion Hand for being so bad at it before

Sam being made Grand Maester for dropping out of school

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Most Culpable for Varys’s Death

Drogon for burning Varys

Dany for telling Drogon to burn Varys

Tyrion for telling Dany Varys was doing some treason

Varys for doing some treason

The small girl for failing to poison Dany

Sansa for suggestion treason to Tyrion who then told Varys

Jon for telling Sansa about his claim to the throne

Prince Ragger and Lyanna for their secret marriage and baby

The Patriarchy

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Best #MadQueen Set-Up

Dany emotionally burning wights during the battle

Dany being grumpy at a party

Dany getting rejected for sex by Jon

Dany asking Jon not to tell anyone about his claim to the throne

Dany being upset that her best friend was murdered

Dany forgetting to put on makeup and brush her hair

Dany losing Rhaegal

Dany losing Jorah

Dany executing the guy who was literally plotting to kill her

Dany using Drogon to target military fortifications

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Most Unreasonable Sansa Action

Telling the queen that Winterfell is hers

Asking Dany how she is going to feed the dragons during winter

Asking Dany what her plans are vis a vis the North

Apologizing to Dany for not immediately thanking Dany when she arrived in Winterfell

Suggesting the troops rest

Marching an army down to King’s Landing to save her brother

Keeping the North independent, as her Lords wanted

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Finest Cheryl Moment

Being sad about elephants to Harry Strickland

Having sex with Euron and then complaining about elephants more

Her devious plot to let refugees into the castle

Her devious plot to have Bronn kill Jaime and Tyrion with the same crossbow Tyrion used on Tywin

Drinking and smirking out the balcony window

When she rings the bells in surrender

When she kills Missandei

Scooting past Sandor so #Cleganebowl can happen

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Best Use of BranBot

Bran interrupting Dany and Sansa greeting each other

Bran commanding Sam to go tell Jon about his true parentage

Bran waiting in the courtyard for Jaime for the shocking cliffhanger of episode 1

Bran as bait for the Night’s King

Bran as the person “with the best story” which qualifies him to be king

Bran as a skinchanger of birds, and only birds, for the duration of the season

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The Saint Tyrion Ultimate Fan Award

Jorah who defends him after he messes up for the thousandth time and says he’s the perfect Hand

Dany who says he’s too important to risk in battle

Varys calling Tyrion his “best friend” even after Tyrion betrayed him to Dany

Sansa for saying their marriage could have worked out in different political circumstances

Bran for saying Tyrion is the perfect Hand because he was such a bad Hand to Dany

The Council that lets prisoner Tyrion choose the king

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Best “I forgot I have amnesia” Moment

Dany kind of forgets about the Iron Fleet, but they haven’t forgotten her

Jaime forgot he killed Aerys to save the innocents of King’s Landing

Tormund forgot he rode on the back of a dragon last season

Yara and the new Dornish prince forget they want independence. 

Tyrion forgets he hates Cersei and makes a plan with Jaime to save her

Jaime forgets that Cersei sent Bronn to murder him and Tyrion

Cersei forgets that she sent Bronn to murder Jaime and Tyrion

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The “What was the point of that?”  Award

The White Walker spiral pattern

The White Walkers

Cersei’s pregnancy

The Golden Company

Important valyrian steel swords

Arya giving Sansa a dragonglass dagger

Arya dramatically getting on a horse

Jaime and Brienne having a relationship

R+L=J

The wildfire in King’s Landing

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The “Why can’t I stop laughing?”  Award

“I don’t want it, you’re my queen.” — Jon, all season

King Bran has the best stories

Jon riding Rhaegal for the first time

The Long Night lasting a few hours

Smirking Night’s King can’t get killed by dragon fire

Cersei and Jaime reunite on Floor Map

Cersei scoots past Sandor and Gregor to let them fight

“I really wanted those elephants”

Arya sneaking around the castle fighting wights

The wildfire in “The Bells” randomly belching

Arya announcing as she arrives in the camp outside King’s Landing, “I’m Arya Stark.  I’m going to kill Queen Cersei.” 

Jaime waiving his golden hand above the crowds trying to get into King’s Landing before the battle, like he’s hailing a cab

Realizing the white horse is indeed Harry Strickland’s horse

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The “devil is in the details” Award

Wights can break through stone tombs but couldn’t bust through a wooden box last season

Night’s King is impervious to dragonfire, but vulnerable to weapons forged with dragonfire

The Dothraki not attempting to avenge their dead khal (who made them all bloodriders)

Grey Worm executing Lannister prisoners on the spot, but letting Jon and Tyrion live for months

The bells “never meaning surrender” in season 2

Melisandre showing up from north of Winterfell, appearing from where the Army of the Dead would most logically be

Nobody knowing who rules Storm’s End (or actually ruling it)

Everyone making it seem like Jon was forced to bend the knee to Dany when he did so after she said she would help him fight the White Walkers last season

The narrative and characters making it seem like Dany has no support in Westeros when she had Dorne, the Reach, and the Ironborn on her side

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Most Earned Endgame Position

King Bran I “The Broken”

Tyrion the Hand

Sansa, Queen in the North

Sam the Grand Maester

Arya the Explorer

Brienne, Lady Commander of Kingsguard

Pod the Kingsguard

Davos, Master of Ships

Bronn, Master of Coin & Lord of Highgarden

Grey Worm, arbiter of justice

Gendry, Lord of Storm’s End

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Most Plausible Impossibility

The entire ceiling of the Red Keep dungeon collapsing on Jaime and Cersei, only to see a small pile of bricks covering them in the next episode

Perfectly sniping Rhaegal with 3 scorpion shots, only to miss with the next 500 aimed at Drogon over the next two episodes. 

The Unsullied/Dothraki not killing Jon for killing Dany after an episode of them slaughtering her enemies indiscriminately and refusing to take prisoners

Bran sitting outside in the courtyard in Winterfell during winter for multiple days and nights and not freezing to death

Floor Map surviving the fall of King’s Landing

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Best Actor Commentary

Conleth Hill throwing his script at the table read

“Best season eva!” – Emilia Clarke

Emilia Clarke fake vomiting

“Disappointing.  Or Epic.  One of those.”  Kit Harrigton describing the ending

Maisie Williams’s boyfriend criticizing her killing the Night’s King

Jacob Anderson (Grey Worm) and Joe Dempsie (Gendry) joking about there being no character development

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The Horrific Implication Award

All the Dothraki dying immediately (or so it seemed)

Missandei dying in chains and Cersei commenting on the chains

The Northern children specifically reacting negatively to Missandei and Grey Worm

The Starks being xenophobic to Team Dany

All the brown people are into the fascist-imagery speech

Dany’s “emotional reactions” disqualify her for leadership

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Finest Flip-Off to Book Readers

The Golden Company can’t wait to fight for the Lannisters

Jaime ditching Brienne to die with Cersei

Jon Snow, alias Aegon Targaryen VI

Dany referring to the upcoming battle with the Army of the Dead as “Jon’s war”

Tyrion telling Jaime that whoremongering is no longer an option for him

Dany being triggered by bells, when that’s JonCon’s trauma

Sansa impersonating Cersei during Blackwater in “The Long Night”

Jaime saying that he never cared about the innocents of King’s Landing

The valonqar being a bunch of bricks

Bran being titled “The Broken”

The maester calling his book “A Song of Ice and Fire”

Tyrion and Jaime parting on the best of terms

Tyrion caring about the people of King’s Landing

“Think of the last 20 years.  The war, the murder, the misery.  All because Robert Baratheon loved someone who didn’t love him back.” — Tyrion to Varys

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Most Vexing Unanswered Question

What does this Night’s Watch do now? 

Why did Bran skinchange in the battle? 

Where did the Dothraki go? 

Who is this new Dornish prince? 

What is the political situation in Slaver’s Bay? 

Why did the White Walkers leave those swirly patterns everywhere? 

Where did Drogon go? 

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The “creatively it made sense because we wanted it to happen” Award

The Dothraki being prepared to charge into the undead army that can’t die from iron with nothing but iron. 

Melisandre randomly showing up moments before the battle of Winterfell. 

Jon riding Rhaegal

Bronn successfully getting Highgarden

Arya killing the Night’s King

Jaime getting captured so he could have one conversation with Tyrion

Euron being OP until he wasn’t

Dany giving a fascist speech with super subtle imagery

Arya going down to King’s Landing

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The Carol Award for Most Egregious Nomination Oversight

Having a category for “most spoilery episode title”

Robin Arryn’s glow-up and boob-hole tunic in the ‘Best Dressed’ award

Bran in the courtyard for the ‘Why Can’t I Stop Laughing’ award? 

“Who is the Lord of Storm’s End Now anyway” in ‘The Most Meta Line’

The first and/or last line of spoken dialogue of the season in “Most Emmy Worthy Line”

And the winner is…

***

That does it for our 4th Carol Awards!  But fear not, though it was in celebration of Game of Thrones‘s final season, this is far from the end for us.  For one, we must have a Carol of Carols, where all Carol winners can duke it out, alongside the most dramatically satisfying moments of seasons 1-4. 

Additionally, Kylie and Julia can’t wait to rewatch Season 8 (…oh god) and dissect it in their renowned retrospective series.  What does it all mean?  Is Drogon truly the suffering philosopher we saw victorious tonight?  And why didn’t we see that totally foreshadowed killing spree coming?  We’ll answer that, and more. 

A big big thank you to Jana, Blaire-Luna, Musa, Bo, Gretchen, Griffin, and LuciferMeansLightbringer.  And most of all, thank each and every one of you for participating and making our Carol Awards Show the best Carols eva!  We’ll talk to you next time. 

Images courtesy of HBO