What's the worst part about dating a Japanese girl? When you break up with her, you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

How many wiseguys does it take to change a lightbulb? Who's asking?

What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow? The W. Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me.

When birds fly in V formation why is one side longer than the other? They have more birds on that side. #scienceded

My best friend's a rocking chair... ...we go way back.

What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children A Swallocaust. I'm not proud of myself.

Wanna hear a Nirvana joke? Nevermind.

What does a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men usually miss all three.

What is blue and smells like red paint? blue paint

I got called "vein" and I'm just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.

I tried to do standup once They told me to sit back down

What's blue and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise.

So a guy walks into a bar with a gun. Angry he snarled, "Aight, who the hell boned my wife and mom?" The bartender shook his head and smiled, "You don't have enough bullets bud."

What's the square root of optimus prime? I'm not sure, but it's more than meets the eye.

What are some funny offensive jokes? Title

A wife said to her husband, "You fuck like you fix things around the house." "Expertly?" he asked. "No," she responded. "Half done so I have to call the neighbor over to finish the job."

I had tears in my eyes when my dad chopped up Onions I loved Onions. He was a great dog.

I just finished an exciting book on 19th century shipbuilding techniques... It was riveting.

Hello, you're through to Sea World Your call may be used for training Porpoises.

Hey, women that breastfeed in public... What's with you not winking back?

I'm going to start a charity for the clinically insane. Gonna call it "Fundamental"

Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? Because the grass tickles their nuts...

So I saw a truck called 'The Morse Deliverers' reversing yesterday, For some reason it just kept on saying 'S'

Pickup Lines Everyone says you're an Angel, but I think you're Medusa because whenever I stare into your eyes I turn rock hard. Do you like bad grades cause I can give you all the D's

Tell me your local jokes! Why does the Clyde run through Glasgow? Because if it walked, it'd get jumped!

"Dress for the job you want," they said. Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.

The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.

What did the potato chip say to the battery? I'm Frito-Lay when you're Everyready.

What does the Sargeant of the Knowledge division always tell his troops to get? in formation

Girl, you are so sexy. . . [unsuitably sweet for work] that if my brain was in my penis, you would make my forehead sweat.

I went into a hotel.. I went into a hotel when a luggage boy came and said "I'm the 'beg'gar"

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

My printer just woke from sleep mode with a huge toner.

Why did the man drowning in the Nile River think he wasn't going to die? Because he was in de-nile.

Why do T Rexes have such bad anger issues? Because their fathers never hugged them.

What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner? The cold shoulder

Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house. - Oh my God I hope it is her lover.

Why were the two Chinese scientists having trouble cloning a caucasian? Because two Wongs can't make a white.

What do you call a gay town in New Mexico? Albuqueerque.

Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

Two Guys Peeing off a bridge- One guy looks over at the other- "Man, This water is Cold! "Yeah...It's deep, Too-

What do you call Harrison Ford making a Venn diagram? Comparrison Ford!

A dog walks into a bar and orders several strong drinks. He appears to be sad. The bartender asks him, "Why are you ordering so many drinks?". The dog responds, "I've had a ruff day."

I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"

Why didn't Johnny Depp get an Oscar nod for Black Mass? The nominee pool was Whitey-nough already

Sexist joke (insulting but funny) What do you call a woman who's lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced!

Who punishes Colorado underage smokers? COPD

Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... **Coughs up hairball** Dog: You gonna eat that?

How do black people get tans at the beach? They lay down on their backs and put their legs and arms toward the sky.

A girl once broke up with me... A girl once broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too much. It was a great releationship, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

What do you call a moari terrorist? Geeee, hard!

A group of prostitutes play WoW. I heard that they call themselves the whore'd.

Q: What goes up but doesn't come down? A: A kangaroo stuck in a tree.

Why Doesn't Humpty Dumpty Believe in Anything? Because he's an EGGnostic!

I figured out why prostitutes always look tired and haggard. Their job is a lot of fucking work.

What breaks when you give it to a toddler? Their hips.

Dentist: "You don't need to open your mouth any wider. When I pull your tooth I expect to stand outside."

Using my toes to pick something up makes it hard to go to church on Sunday.

Beating the drummer (again) What do you call the hot girl on a drummer's arm? A tattoo.

What do a horny guy and a bad driver have in common? They are both bad at pulling out.

Crap tonight is day lights savings and we loose an hour of sleep On the bright side we get an extra hour of light

I bought a parrot... And it could talk. But it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.

My dad got fired from Cal Trans for stealing... We couldn't believe it. But when we got home, we saw all of the signs.

Why don't ants go to church? Because they are insects.

I'm a wealth of knowledge Unless you want it to be true Then I'm pretty solid on about 6 topics 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors

What do you call a group of Beavers? A hens nights

[Starbucks intercom] "Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."

What's the difference between Pink Floyd and Donald Trump Pink Floyd actually finished The Wall.

Do you think Michael J Fox....? Do you think Michael J Fox ever gets an answer out of an 8-Ball?

I wanted to ask "What's up with women" But that was too broad of a question.

Me: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Me: When you fell from a really high distance. Dating as an atheist is hard.

What did the Japanese buck say to the doe he was courting? [OC] I don't know how to put this but...I'm kind of a big deer.

What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I like my coffee like I like my women Without pubic hair.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter. Everyone else: Lol, no.

Stop making fun of the fat girl Shes thick and tired of it.

How can you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

My dad installed new LED bulbs in his home. I started seeing him in a new light after that.

Worst things about mid 40's: 1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror. 2. Crying too hard to complete this list.

Did you hear about the black guy who was shot 15 times? The police said it was the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

I'm not saying my wife's a snob but even her colostomy bag is a Louis Vuitton.

Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don't have electricity: Priceless

What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican? Paypal

I have Facebook like reflexes. "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" *throws a book and hits you right in the face*

I asked my wife what women really want and she said "attentive lovers"... ...actually she might have said "A tent of lovers", I don't really listen to her needs and opinions.

"LOL what if our packaging was totally easy to tear open...unless you had a cut finger?" --Band-Aid makers, seriously, f those guys

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the papers jammin' again.

If a horse's front legs are traveling at 200mph, what are it's back legs doing? Hauling ass.

I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.

We do apathetic derision better than any nation on earth. Probably. Can't be arsed to find out...and all statisticians are cunts.

How do you study for a prostate exam? By cramming.

A recruiter asked me if I wanted to be a hardcore developer I said sure, I've always wanted to work for PornHub

What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes? A 'pilot" you effing racist!!

Kobe Bryant's Wife filing for divorce. I bet somewhere right now Kim Kardashian is plotting..

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only half the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

What did the Italian say when the eel swam by? That's a Moray.

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it.