What do women and Tony Stark have in common? They are both Fe Males.

What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely? An unfortu-naut... God that was horrible....

What type of vegetable is only kinda awesome? A radish

Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.

What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli.

Nicki Minaj is probably my favorite Dr. Seuss character.

"I haven't read an update about Karen's Farmville crops in a few days. I hope everything is OK." - no one, ever

What do you tell a black jew? Go sit at the back of the oven

"What is that, a banana? Aw, who gives a shit." -Disinterested George

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the police as "Quiet and keeps to herself."

"Wow! Can you believe it's almost June already?!" YES DEB, I AM WHOLLY MYSTIFIED BY THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF TIME ON PLANET EARTH

Knock knock.. Come in!

Jealous and Funn It's not important to win it's important to make the other Guy loose.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

What do the African nations Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Mozambique, Zambia, and Swaziland have in common? A lot of da Z's.

Why do the french hate League of Legends? They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering

Whenever I'm behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte

"Hey look, a cemetery" Dad: "People are just dyin' to get there."

It's not called "Laura the Explorer" because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

Wife Missing My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus? Santa Claus goes *down* the chimney.

I love eBay! Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.

A guy walks into a bar wearing plastic wrap pants... The bartender says "Whoa there buddy, just turn around and leave - I can clearly see you're nuts!"

As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate. I too only run once every four years.

Reddit, you are just like my dad... No matter what I do, it will never be good enough for you.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

What is better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ!

"Love me or hate me, both are in my favor...If u love me, I'll always be in your heart...If u hate me, I'll always be in your mind" -Shakespeare

Saying "excape "makes me wanna stab you in the "exophagus".

Whenever I catch someone talking about me behind my back I tell them you discussed me

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake One blonde yells to the other "How do I get to the other side?!" The other blonde responds "You are on the other side!"

How did they name Canada? They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

I was having sex with a hot girl yesterday and she kept yelling someone else's name. Do you know anybody by the name of "rape"?

What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

instead of a fancy wedding cake how about get a cool expert karate guy to roundhouse kick cupcakes into everyone's mouths

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

What do you call data on a Pediatricians computer? Pedi-files

Why are you not able to boil water in a tauntaun? Because they're not real.

Serious question: can orphans watch PG movies? After all, they don't have parents...

Jesus came to me in a dream and asked me "do you know how much I love you?" "This much" he said and he spread his arms and died.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair

Why couldn't the NSA agent leave his house this Winter? He was Snowden.

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!" He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

What is Godzilla's favorite fruit? Squash.

I entered ten puns into a pun contest. Guess how many won? No pun in ten did. /:

[BOOK CLUB] ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think? STEVE: PAUL: JANE: SARAH: MARK: DAVE:

Somewhere, there is a turf war going on... ...between skeletons and secret gays.

What do you call a group of fundamentalist mathematicians? Al-Gebra

I'm glad I haven't seen any German sausage jokes.. they are just the wurst!

My friend died at an orgy the other day and nobody knows why. It's a fucking mystery.

Over the weekend, the new "Godzilla" movie came out. I don't know how Godzilla doesn't hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

Why couldnt the laptop see? Cause it was SoDIMM

*boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

If you sit beside me, you're part of my drumkit.

Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it's given me another reason to stare at their tits.

What do you call a good looking tractor? Attractor

The cow got very nervous when it saw beef As cow's career was at steak

Everyone is normal until you find their Twitter.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall... The one fish turns to the other and says, "Dam."

Me: Go to bed 5-year-old: One more question Me: Fine 5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter? Me 5: Me: Get some coffee

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

Went to see the new " pixels " movie but The resolution was bad

Why do black people think about sex so much? Because there's pubes on their heads.

What do you call a kid with no arms and legs playing baseball? 2^nd base.

I met an award winning farmer yesterday He was out standing in his field.

There are straight women who turn lesbian when horny. I believe 'spaghetti' is the correct term. Straight untill wet.

The real reason reddit is so popular is... copy Paste clickbait

My life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!

What's the difference between a feminist and a doormat? You might try and knock some mud off on the sidewalk before you step on the doormat.

The maple leafs are my favourite curling team Always sliding down the ice bumping into the walls and never hitting the bullseye.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with soccer So I said "On loan or permanent transfer?"

How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Suck it off

She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end Him: So do I

How do memes go to the proms? In a lmaosine

What's your favorite clock time? Personally, I'd say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.

How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months

I booked some Star Wars impersonators for my son's birthday, but I've just had a phone call saying that their people carrier's broken down. All I know is that they're in a Galaxy far, far away.

Why I don't like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

what do you get when one rapper eats another? FOOD CHAINZZZ!!

So, putting a "caution wet floor" sign down before delivering my best pick up line is frowned upon....

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? An ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Did you hear about the impoverished farmers who drove from Oklahoma to California? They went on a Joad Trip.

If a baby horse swears at it's mother, would this be classed as foal language?

Did you hear about that poor gymnast's bank account? Her balance was outstanding.

Just because it's called make-up... doesn't mean it's supposed to makeup 99% of your face.

So then the otaku says... That's no body pillow. That's my wife!

What's the difference between a redneck and a gay man? A redneck marries his sister. A gay man marries a brotha.

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

me: how much per hour? babysitter: $15 me: okay here's $2.37 million see you in 18 years

What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.

Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.

When Leo said, "To all my friends, you know who you are" he was talking about the bear

I never drop names but I frequently drop babies.

If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have sex with your mom. And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks.

conjunctivitis.com Now that's a sight for sore eyes.

What do you call a man with a kilt over his head ? Scott !

Why does a chicken coop has two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan