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MattBoraske

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Reddit-AITA-2018-to-2022

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i (29f) have a condition which makes me more or less infertile or so i was told. roughly two months ago i had a one night stand with a guy. i don't use birth control due to my condition but i did insist on a condom. lo and behold i'm pregnant my gynecologist confirmed it. now, i'm in a good position financially. i have a stable job and enough savings to live a very comfortable life. i'm close to my parents and sister. so, i have decided that i will keep the baby. i have always wanted to be a mum and this might be my only chance. i contacted the father and told him. i said i'd be happy to co parent should he be interested but i understand if he isn't. i would be filing for child support regardless though. the guy absolutely lost it and said i need to abort the baby and that i lied to him. apparently he asked me what my opinion on abortion is to prevent this situation. i remember him asking me but he never specified his question and i thought it was more general. i told him i'm pro choice which is true. he must have interpreted this as me saying i'd abort any possible pregnancies. ever since he has been harassing me to abort. he must have given my number to his parents because today i got a call from his mother imploring me to have an abortion. i have made up my mind and i won't have an abortion. my family is extremely supportive of my decision but i'm not sure if i'm in the right anymore. edit since it keeps coming up. i did not tell him that i'm infertile and it was me who insisted on the condom. he was quite happy to "hit it raw" as he said.

aita for keeping a baby even though the father doesn't want children and filing for child support ?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gzmsxe/aita_for_keeping_a_baby_even_though_the_father/

2020-06-09 13:08:08

i am ... really conflicted here. nta for keeping the kid, in understand this could be your only chance and i’m glad you have this opportunity, but it’s incredibly unfair to be like “too bad you have to pay.” assuming he used the condom properly, he did everything he could to not have a child. he asked if you’re pro choice, which i take (and always have) as asking if someone would be willing to have an abortion should the worst happen. he tried his best to have a carefree night of boning and then you decide for him that his entire life will change. it’s not fair to him. you want this child, you can afford the child, and you have support for this. do it by yourself. you should keep this child because you want it. you demanding child support is an a-hole move.

esh -him getting his mother to tell you to get an abortion is fucked up. him having to pay child support for a child he has no interest in is also wrong in my opinion. i support "paper abortions" where the man has no chance of ever seeing the kid but also has no child support.

nta. first. it's ridiculous to say pro choice means you abort. it means the woman has a choice. it's right in the name... second. no birthcontrol is 100%. he played roulette where everything is a win but green. now he lost. if he didn't like the odds he shouldn't play. third. the needs of the child are paramount. the child support isn't for you, it's for your child.

lol nta at all, don’t listen to reddit. for some reason guys on here think that as long as a man says “i want an abortion” then he can’t be held liable for supporting his child. like, in that scenario literally no man could ever be held responsible for any child. it’s literally saying if a child is born the man isn’t responsible. they just want a win-win situation for men. either the woman has to abort, or the woman is entirely responsible for the baby. it’s absurd. sorry, both knew the risks, both consented to it, both participated in the conception, both are responsible. men don’t just get to say “abortion” and magically have all liability melt away from them. sometimes life deals us a hand we weren’t expecting, happens all the time, people have to accept that fact. can’t just fold and walkway.

nta for wanting children but yta for filing for child support. in my opinion if you want to keep the child and raise it , then you should be 100% financially responsible for the child. why ask for money off the guy if he doesn't want anything to do with the kid???. if you choose to keep child then it's on you to get job and pay for it yourself

nta. your body, your choice. i can understand his frustration though in that you both theoretically did the right things protection wise and they didn’t work so now he doesn’t want to have a child as it was never his plan. i confess i would absolutely not want to be in his position so i get it. but as far as abortion or no abortion goes, it’s your choice.

yta for going after child support. nta for keeping the baby.

going against the grain here and i'm probably going to get downvoted to hell. but yta. i agree with your body, your choice because that's the way it has to be. no one should be forced to have an abortion, or be forced to give birth. however, i do think it puts men in a fucking awful position. and it can also put the child in a terrible position. the man has to pay for a kid he doesn't want. and he either has to be a parent against his will, or forever live with the knowledge that he is a deadbeat dad. if the dude decides to not be in the kids life, the child is put in a situation where they will feel unwanted and wonder why they're dad doesn't want them. i think having a child when both parents aren't on board is a disgusting, selfish choice. but again, it has to be your choice because nothing else makes moral sense. but yeah, i think you're an asshole. both to the guy and to your future child.

i’m actually kind of shocked at this thread. you are not the asshole at all. every consenting adult knows that when you have sex, the woman may get pregnant. you are stepping up to the plate and he is choosing not too, the least he could do is provide financial compensation. you didn’t make that child alone. it doesn’t matter if he didn’t want children or not. if he didn’t want children he should’ve gotten a vasectomy. please don’t listen to these responses on reddit and make sure you put him in child support. stick to your guns, it is his child too.

yta, if he doesn't want anything to do with the kid and you're okay with that, then dont go after his money. men should have the right to forfeit any parental and monetary obligations to a pregnancy, same as women.

BENIGN

my so and i differ a bit in parenting styles but it hasn’t really caused any large issues and things just pan out. he is more of a micro-manager and worrier...i feel he treats our kid like someone way younger. it’s funny bc he will often complain about how mother underestimated him and didn’t think he could “do anything” on his own and he kind of blames his indecisive nature on that. his parents still do a lot of things for him which i think is semi-odd, but doesn’t really affect me so i dc. he acts like a 12 yo using an oven is extremely unsafe. he doesn’t do much cooking himself either...before we were together he was the type who ate out literally every meal. i on the other hand cook often and def remember using the oven to cook all kinds of things in 6th grade, and simple things like ramen noodles for literally as long as i can remember...like in 2nd grade. i think it’s good to have our kid learn how to cool and use all the appliances. i probably wouldn’t let them fry things on their own, but other than that i just don’t worry about it. my so thinks they should not use the oven at all without direct supervision lest the “house burn down.” today i had a bad headache and was upstairs in bed and my kid asked if they could make the chili we had planned for dinner...a simple recipe that basically involves browning hamburger, and then adding cans and seasoning to the pot, simmer and done. so i was like sure, good. my so comes homes while they’re doing it and throws a fit that i’m just upstairs. once again tells me our house could’ve burned down and that it’s unsafe and that our kid may have been burnt. i told him he was infantilizing our kid and going to make them afraid of everything and raise them to be an inept adult if they kept acting like everything was over their head. he said the opposite and that my mom was neglectful and made me to do many things on my own. he said i should respect his concerns and compromise by only letting them use the oven under careful supervision. like me standing right beside them literally. i think it’s ridiculous and not an issue to compromise one. aita?

aita for letting our 12yo use the oven?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jz6u58/aita_for_letting_our_12yo_use_the_oven/

2020-11-23 00:14:07

i think you should supervise until the kid is comfortable and safe, then it's fine. i also recommend a fire extinguisher with lessons on how to use it. you so is ta here. your kid needs to learn and it'll build confidence. nta

nta. what kind of parent doesn’t let their 12 year old use an oven? that’s overprotective.

nta. back when i was in school, 6th grade was when you took home economics and were taught how to cook and use all the kitchen appliances. have you asked him to compare his feelings from his childhood and how he is underestimating his child the same way his mother underestimated him? he may need to see someone about his anxiety levels.

nta from 12 upwards i used to cook a meal once a week for the family. when does your so suggest they learn how to cook? this is the perfect age to introduce simple recipes.

nta - 12 years old is a great age to learn that skill. indeed, the only arsehole move made by you or the 12yo is not browning off a few onions and garlic in the pot first. it might be worth, though, considering the parenting model that your so has learned from his parents.

nta. it was normal for kids to learn to cook even earlier than age 12 in the 70s and 80s. teach your child once about careful use of potholders and get them started cooking. teach them where you keep your kitchen fire extinguisher. yeah them about grease fires and not putting water on them. one caveat:. gas burners are a little more risky from a fire standpoint. i started cooking at 10 as did my 3 sisters. i was allowed to cook unsupervised by 12.

nta when our oldest son was eleven, he was interested in cooking. i started teaching him with simple things like scrambled eggs and baking cookies. that christmas, we gifted him a saturday series of jr. chef lessons (about $200 for like four or six lessons) at a culinary school, and he has never stopped cooking. he finished grad school in the spring and moved home to quarantine with us and study for an exam. for months, he has been doing all the grocery shopping and has cooked the family fabulous dinners almost every day. my husband and i have been working from home very long hours, and i can’t tell you how grateful we are for his help. i am so glad we trusted that young boy in the kitchen all those years ago. if you want to raise your children to be successful, mentally healthy adults, you have to let them try things and take risks. they can’t learn from their mistakes if they’re never allowed to make any!

nta. i started making rice in lower elementary school (rice cooker, not stove), hamburger helper by myself when i was 9 or 10. baking things like brownies and cupcakes was super common amongst people in middle school (11-14). you don't say anything about your upbringing, but it sounds like his was messed up--the point of being a parent is teaching your children how to be an adult. sounds like your husband never got there. although, supervision (not helicoptering) is still a good idea.

nta i also grew up infantilized because of helicopter parenting and it has led me to be 25 years old and missing most critical life skills. this needs to be your hill to die on, you will be letting your child down if you don't allow him to do "adult" things like using the stove.

nta. i have a twelve year old who cooks. he’s also allowed to bike a mile away across a main road to his friend’s house and when school is in person he rides a city bus and navigates his way there and back. not only are twelve year olds capable, they should be cooking. now is the time to teach them these valuable life skills. your so is doing a disservice to your children by holding them back.

BENIGN

obligatory on mobile, so forgive any formatting issues. i know the title seems bad. but i'm really struggling with this. i (28f) am 9 months pregnant with my second kid. my marriage is... unstable, to say the least. yesterday, during yet another argument, my husband (36m) told me he doesn't love me, hasn't loved me for a long time, and can't wait until he's rid of me. i know, i know - we need to get a divorce. but as of now, i have bigger fish to fry. i have a scheduled c-section for this baby. it's my second cesarean, so i know what i'm in for, but its still a major surgery and its nerve-wracking. with my first, i still was very much in love with my husband. he was the only person i wanted in the operating room with me. now, after yesterday, i'd rather be alone for the surgery. some context: our first baby came almost 4 weeks early and had to stay in the nicu. he has since blamed me for her hospital stay, saying if i would have taken better care of myself during pregnancy that she wouldn't have come early. and she was a bottle baby, because her glucose levels were unstable, so we opted for monitoring the amount of breastmilk she ingested by bottle measurement instead of guessing with breastfeeding as a first time mom. pumping was insanely difficult and baby preferred the bottle over the boob, so i still get guilted about "giving up on breastfeeding" with my first. now, he's already saying i won't be able to breastfeed with our second because he's convinced i don't eat enough. (i eat plenty. i'm just a naturally small person, always have been.) but instead of expressing this in a way of concern, he makes a passive aggressive comment about how formula is expensive and hard to get in the midst of a shortage and if i could just "be an adult" and take care of myself we wouldn't have to be concerned. never mind the fact that my boobs have been leaking for the last 3 months already and the only reason i didn't eat dinner right away last night was due to feeling nauseous from a migraine i'd had for the last 3 days, but i digress. i'm afraid of the stress that he'll bring to an already tense situation. and if our baby has any health issues, i know he'll blame me, which i would love to avoid hearing right after having the contents of my body pulled out, rearranged, and put back in. we're not having any more kids though, even if we wind up staying together, and i'm sure he expects to be there for the birth of his son. so i feel like i would be taking away something big from him. wibta if i tell my husband i don't want him in the operating room during the birth of our next kid?

wibta if i don't let my husband in the delivery room?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w3sf1c/wibta_if_i_dont_let_my_husband_in_the_delivery/

2022-07-20 17:37:22

nta. and make sure that you have a plan in writing with your doctor for if things go south during or after the operation. a man who “can’t wait til he’s rid” of you is not the person you want making choices for if you live or die.

nta i always read the whole post before a judgment. but in this one, only have to read the title and until here: "my husband (36m) told me he doesn't love me, hasn't loved me for a long time, and can't wait until he's rid of me. i know, i know - we need to get a divorce. but as of now, i have bigger fish to fry." a delivery is about the medical procedure on the mother. therefore, you should have people who will help you in delivery. the fact that is his baby being born is not a concern. ban him and ask a family member or friend you trust to accompany you instead.

honestly i wouldn't want him in the same house. but nta. don't let him in till you are ready. you will get drama and shyt no matter what you decide.

nta make the best decision for a stress-free experience. someone who says things like that is not who i would want by my side for a medical event.

nta...first things first. you need to whatever is best for your health and that of your baby. it's a shame that your marriage is in this state at this moment, but you can't change that right now.

nta. have the baby in peace, divorce him, and move on with your life with the babies. he’s only going to get worse as time goes on and trust me, you can’t go back after “i never loved you”. for the sake of your children, best to leave him for good.

ywnbta. you do what is best for you. do you have a place to go after the baby is born? mom’s house or a sister? you ate going to need some help, and it sounds like he is not going to provide much support.

nta in the slightest, who ever you choose to be in the delivery room should support you and their presence should calm you, not having your ah husband berate you during and after. god, i can't imagine being with someone like him during pp. i was a mess pp. just be careful how you tell him though, judging by what you wrote, he seems lowkey unhinged and i'm afraid he could attempt to do something drastic but, you know him better than me ofc

if you legally separate from this ah you would probably qualify for wic and formula will be free. nta

esh. he's abusive and you need to wake up. "even if we wind up staying together" . excuse-me, what !?! that man is blaming you for your kid being premature and you're considering staying with him ? that man is not going to be supportive so if you don't want him in, just tell him, but you need to get yourself and your kids somewhere safe because this is not a healthy environnement for them or you.

BENIGN

my brother mike (23m) has a dog he didn’t train at all. duchess (3f) is a saint bernard who i (29f) think is dangerous. mike has not trained her at all. she is food aggressive, she doesn't like other dogs, and she growls at children. mike has mentioned a few cats she has killed. to make this short, mike went on vacation last friday. he begged me to come to feed duchess. i said no. mike informed me that he paid for tickets and that the kennel would not take his dog. i said he should cancel or hire someone. no one would watch the dog. no one. i woke up friday morning to my husband screaming that there was a dog in our backyard. he had let the dogs out to pee and duchess was out there. he tried to get close to her and she growled at him. i have a toddler and a kindergartener. i also have two older small dogs and a doxie puppy. duchess would have decimated any of them if they went outside before we noticed. i tried to call my brother, but his phone was off. i left a message saying i was calling animal control, he knew better than this, and he needed to figure it out with the shelter. he did not get back to me until saturday morning (my time) and was yelling that i got his dog killed. which might happen, since she is pretty aggressive. i did tell animal control why she was there, who she belonged to, and that she is small animal aggressive. they asked if i would keep her since we don't have openings at the no-kill shelter. i said absolutely not, i wanted the dog gone. they let me know they would be in contact with my brother and i said i didn't want anything to do with it anymore. they should call him at \[number\] or his girlfriend \[number\]. mike and his girlfriend are on the trip together, so idk what will happen with that. but mike says i got duchess killed. i said duchess is dangerous and he got her killed by doing absolutely nothing to train her. aita?

aita for calling animal control on my brother's dog?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wkgrh7/aita_for_calling_animal_control_on_my_brothers_dog/

2022-08-09 22:33:17

nta your brother shouldn't have raised an aggressive dog and left it in your yard.

nta. mike got duchess killed. when he decided not to train her. when he decided to dump her on someone who had a lot to lose to her agression and had explicitly said they did not want to care for the dog. there is no scenario in which this is your fault. you had to protect your family and either way, he asked, you said no, he should never have dropped her off anyway and without telling you. sounds to me like you probably saved a lot of innocent cat’s lives.

nta, this is properly dangerous, and also shows him to be so irresponsible and entitled. no wonder he never put in the work to train her. it's not the dog's fault, and if he physically cannot train her, then he should have made every effort to find a rescue with large-breed experience. but that's not your responsibility, and you had no choice but to call animal control.

nta. the dog is an admitted cat killer. your brother did this. he let the dog turn into a danger to **everyone**. to be honest, even if he didn't toss this ticking time bomb into your yard, and you just called animal control anyway? i would still be on your side. a baby is a lot easier for a vicious dog to kill then a clawed cat. your brother is not only an a'hole, he's a monster.

nta. i have rescued several difficult dogs from owners just like your brother. the ammount of work and effort needed to correct aggressive behavior like that is beyond most pet owners. he was neglegent as a pet owner and these are the consquences

>but i also feel like people don't just want their siblings' pets to be put down and that might make us (husband and myself) an asshole for telling people to not include us in what happens to the dog. i don’t think people are ever going to not include you in what happened. don’t let that connection dissuade you from knowing that what you did was the right thing. as shitty as it was, i would have done the same with a dog that large and that violent and i too am a huge animal lover. nta.

nta, but your brother was an asshole for leaving the dog in your backyard without your knowledge. you are so right that at worst your children could have been attacked and your small animals could have been mauled. you told him no and he just left his dog with you anyway. wow, so nta.

nta. his poor choices and lack of boundaries have 100% created the situation duchess is in. if he expected to be able to manipulate you into taking responsibility for her when you’ve clearly communicated that you’re not willing to take that responsibility, he just found out you’re also not willing to be manipulated. if he doesn’t like the consequences, oh well. shitty choices? shitty outcomes. poor duchess. she deserved better from him.

what the hell is it with these people who actively do unreasonable things, and then blame someone else for the consequences? you're absolutely right - your brother didn't train a large dog, then he put it in your yard and went on vacation after you clearly and distinctly told him you would not care for his dog. and he did this knowing his dog is dog aggressive and growls at kids, when you have small dogs and children. he did something unreasonable that might have fatal consequences for his poor dog, and then blames you. nta.

nta. this whole situation is mike's fault for a) buying a dog he can't handle, b) not getting help training the dog, and c) dropping her off at your place without your consent/knowledge....especially knowing you have small children! i do feel sorry for duchess though. :( she never had a chance.

BENIGN

my (26f) sister (30f) opened up her own little restaurant a week before everything shut down. she reopened again in june and has become relatively popular. i have never been and i have no plan to go. this has created a stir in the family because they feel i should support her but the truth is she has always been a bitch to me and anyone she doesn't like and i don't want to give my money to someone like that. she found out recently that a group of my friends were supposed to go for some kind of work dinner until they realized it was her place and they cancelled. she blamed me even though i never told them to cancel. how she found out was a friend of hers works with them and she proposed my sisters place to the bosses and the bosses put it to everyone else. my parents say regardless of what the past has been we're sisters and should be there for and support each other. i don't think it's so wild for me to not support her when she has been vocal of her dislike of me since we were kids and even turned around and said my friends not wanting to eat there is one of the reasons she wishes she never had a sister. the reason i am even posting this is part of me does feel some guilt. it's only a little guilt because i do believe in supporting family normally and even though we're not close, etc, i wonder if i should do more. aita for not supporting my sister by supporting her business?

aita for refusing to support my sisters business?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jvu66a/aita_for_refusing_to_support_my_sisters_business/

2020-11-17 14:45:57

nta. your sister is being an a-hole to you so why should you have to put it past you? family members aren’t always allies.

>my parents say regardless of what the past has been we're sisters and should be there for and support each other. nope. nope nope nope. blood is not obligation. you do not want to support your sister. full stop. nta.

nta. you are not forced to help, and i can’t imagine her making the same scandal to other persons who might just not like her restaurant.

nta. respect has to go both ways, not just one way. imo, if she's already treating you badly and makes you feel uncomfortable, then i wouldn't trust what she'd do to you as a customer. the restaurant setting with her as the owner just gives her more ways for her to treat you badly while stuck in her place. she could embarrass you in front of your workmates, friends, other customers, employees, etc. she could serve you up lesser quality food, make you wait longer for it, not seat you promptly, give you the wrong order, etc. if she's not going to treat you well in person, then she's most likely not going to treat you well at her restaurant. edited typo.

nta , her business is already popular, she doesn’t need you

nta. you don’t have to spend your money on anything you don’t want to

so, she wished she never had a sister *before* because she knew how you'd behave *now*, and uses that as justification of her words and actions *before*? holy abusive reasoning, batman! nta. it sounds like your sister has always treated you like this, and even as adults, she hasn't changed. it's no wonder you don't want to go somewhere where she might have a chance to spit in your food.

info: "until they realized it was her place and they cancelled". i feel like we are missing some information here. why would they cancel just because it was "her place"? have you been bad-mouthing your sister's business? if so, yta. you don't have to go yourself, but slandering her business in your hometown is not cool.

i mean nta at all but a little more context wouldnt go amiss :)

nta - what has she ever done to support you?

BENIGN

i'm a photographer. my daughter is just starting to walk, so there's been so many opportunities for photos, but yesterday i wanted to get some at the park. so i'm there taking pictures of my daughter, trying to frame things so exclude the other park patrons. a little kid comes up to me and asks me to take his picture. i tell him i'd love to but he needs to get permission from his mom on a nearby bench. why not? i'm already here, i got my gear, it's a good way to connect with parents i think. if the mother is a-ok with it, she can leave me her e-mail and i can forward them to her. the mother says yes, we chat for a bit, and i take a few photos. the mother leaves and i'm still there with my daughter on the swings when a police officer comes up. she asks why i'm photographing children and i explain it's just my daughter. she asks to see my reel and she sees this other kid. to put it short, she confiscated my camera, took my name and address, and i guess things will escalate from there. i left the park with the officer's name. we get home to my wife and said i shouldn't be photographing other kids because it's weird. i kind of see where she's getting at but i couldn't have predicted this outcome. i have other cameras for work but she says i'm an asshole for putting my employment in jeopardy over "something as stupid as kid photos". i don't have a timeframe for when or even if i can get my camera back, so if it was my only camera, i wouldn't have a job. i'm our only source of income. aita?

aita for photographing kids in the park?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bnfjwm/aita_for_photographing_kids_in_the_park/

2019-05-11 18:52:46

nta. contact the other mom and get her to submit her sworn statement to the police station. the state shouldn't take long to close the case. just stay on top of it.

nta, you did absolutely nothing wrong. you even made sure you had permission from the mom to take a picture of the other kid. i’m confused to why your wife even called you an asshole to begin with.

if you're in the united states, what you did is not illegal. go to the police station and demand your property be returned. nah except for maybe the cop that illegally confiscated your property. btw, illegal or not, you might get your arse kicked if you're standing around taking pictures of other people's children.

nta. you didn't do anything wrong. the cop and whoever called them are the assholes.

nta if you are in america, what this cop did is illegal, and an improper way of dealing with a potential pedophile? if they had actual evidence of you committing some sort of crime, they would just arrest you. also, anyone who has had photojournalism experience knows this - it is not illegal to take pictures of strangers on public property. that includes malls, parks, sidewalks, etc. make sure you go to the station and ensure that your camera is actually there in evidence, and demand to know if a case is being built against you.

nah- though i would recommend getting names and numbers of any parents of children you photograph in the future. if you are a man, people will be extra vigilante if you are seen photographing kids that aren’t your own in the park. (not saying this is right, just the reality of our hyper-stranger danger world.) also, i don’t think you had to show the officer what was on the camera. and without a warrant you didn’t have to give it to them either.

nta. you communicated with the mom and the police didn't give you the opportunity to explain yourself. definitely email the mom so she can help clear things up. best of luck!

nah but next time tell the officer before they see pics of other kids "he came up, and i got his mother's permission" the officer is seeing someone whose story doesnt line up with evidence and is protecting citizens first and foremost here.

>i explain it's just my daughter. cop asked you a question and you gave false information. of course the cop is going to start thinking you're a creep. nah, but ytd (you're the dumbass)

nta, you didn't do anything wrong!

BENIGN

my mom and i are planning on living together. here is some backstory. i am 19 years old. we're having to move out because my step dad recently passed away from cancer. and this is his house, and how he left the will we won't be able to live here anyways. so we need an apartment. she wants me to put bills in my name (ex. lease, utilities) my moms credit is fucked up because she took all of the bills from my dad when they divorced to "keep the peace" while also taking the minimum amount of child support possible. my mom has alienated me from my dad, and made him sound like the bad guy a lot through my life. she even has to mention every time about my $8,000 hospital bill from when she put me in the mental institution. (lots of childhood trauma i went through) i just start training on my job this monday and i need money to pay for a tb test and a money order for the application. i gave my mom all of my money ($70, i do landscaping to get money for now) for the cable bill that was overdue, and it was shut off. i also gave some money for the electric bill. and trying to give her to spare me $40 for all of this was like pulling teeth. she's borrowed money from her boss, coworkers, friends, family and it's easily like $800+ right there. she doesn't have to worry about the mortgage. only cable, electric and a car payment. so i expected her to be able to help me out for this job i need if i want to support us. i've given my mom over $2000 easily from a college grant last year (i'll talk about that later. i couldn't go to college for a lot of reasons that were out of my reach) when she handed it to me, she asked me to run to the store and get her cigarettes, and drinks and toilet paper. so i told her no. she tried to take it back but i demanded that i need it for my job. she then threatened and said for me to live with my dad. she did this before to hurt me because i used to not talk to him. (again, alienation so i thought he was the bad guy) if i live with my dad i have a promised place to live, and not worry about bills being in my name, and overall my credit can start to be built. my dad just wants me to pay off the other half of the car he gave me, my insurance, and some money for bills so we both can live comfortably. i have the moral dilemma because of how vulnerable she is. am i the asshole? i can give more backstory if need be.

aita for wanting to live with my dad instead of my mom

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d3cizk/aita_for_wanting_to_live_with_my_dad_instead_of/

2019-09-12 18:55:19

nta - how would you be an asshole for helping your mom all you could and then she threatened you to live with your father and you actually did just like she said?

nta it sounds like your dad offers a more stable place to live. besides, she told you to go live with your dad—you can just do some "malicious compliance" and do what *she* told you! lol your mom sounds like a mess and also a manipulator. if you are no longer living with her, this may force her to deal with her own finances responsibly. besides, sooner or later you will move out to get on with your life. you aren't going to be staying with her indefinitely. the sooner she deals with this the better.

nta. your mother is an adult and not your responsibility. trying to care for her in addition to you has almost cost you a job. you can’t take care of her if you are struggling to take care of yourself. it sounds like living with your dad will give you the opportunity to get yourself into a more stable financial situation. i hope it all works out for you.

nta. you shouldn't feel obligated for your mother's financial responsibilities. paying for your own share is one thing but her fucked up credit is her own fault. seems like she is using you as a crutch to pay for her bills. i'd move out.

nta. go live with your dad. be happy.

nta. but she will try her hardest to make you feel that way. good luck!

nta. your mother is using you and you need to look out for yourself. but you have to look out for yourself around your dad too unless you know him better than your writeup indicates. she may be lying about everything or some things or nothing but that doesn’t make him *good *, just not responsible for those specific things. it’s entirely possible she’s exaggerated *and * he was problematic in some way that she’s not helpfully articulating (probably because it implicates her).

nta, your choice, smart move imo.

nta: you're an adult, you can choose where you live and how you live. yes, she is your mother, but you also have tried your best to make it work (from what it sounds like). this may be what she needs to get up on her own feet

nta- go live with your dad, stop giving your mom money (she needs to adult and stop blaming her problems on other people), and rebuild your credit.

TOXIC

title explains it. i have a friend, mika f40, who is child free. we have known each other for most of our lives and she has always been uncomfortable around kids. she even told me, when my niece and nephew were born (twins), that i could not show her more than one pic per visit and that she doesn't want to hear stories about them. i respected that. now that i have my own kids, i don't see her as often but we're still very much in touch. like most people, we didn't see many friends or family during the pandemic. well, my last baby was born june 2020 and nobody could come to the hospital, i couldn't have our traditional naming ceremony and we've barely seen anyone. now that most restrictions have been lifted, we're having a little birthday party. i didn't invite mika because we invited about 10 kids, most of whom are between the ages of 9 and 1 (and their parents and other adults). there are child free people coming but they don't mind kids, or they just don't complain about it! i know mika would start complaining about the crying or screaming or, as she puts it, general neediness. mika found out about the party and says i'm an ah for not inviting her but i honestly want to celebrate my baby like my other kids have experienced without worrying that mika is uncomfortable. but i get that she may feel excluded. so, am i the ass hole for not inviting my friend who doesn't like kids to my kid's birthday party?

aita for not inviting my friend who hates kids to my kid's birthday party?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/v2z11c/aita_for_not_inviting_my_friend_who_hates_kids_to/

2022-06-02 02:57:29

nta. she has made it clear that she doesn't like kids or want to be around them or even hear about them. why would she expect you to invite her to a children's birthday party?

mika is behaving so weirdly. i am "a mika". i don't like kids, don't have them, don't really like being around them (but i'm not an asshole about it and don't behave like the are "spawn"). my mom friends know how i feel, because i was polite about it and they always say that there is a bday party for so and so kid and that if i want to come to let them know and they will extend an invite but that their default position is to not extend an invite unless i ask. the one picture per visit thing is weird. i may not like to be around kids, but some kids are so freaking cute. my one friend's baby was like 3 months old at the start of november and my friend bought all of these funky hats to keep the baby's head warm when they went outside. it was hysterical. one of them had yarn "long blond hair". anyway, nta.

nta, if she hates kids so much why would she even want to come?

nta. can’t have your cake and eat it too (literally in this case perhaps). feels like she might be the sort of person who is never going to be happy - if you’d invited her you’d be either hearing her complaints about the party or be told you were a jerk for inviting her when you knew she wouldn’t want to go.

nta invite her if you want, but give her the similar "rules" as she gave you (the whole one pic per visit/not wanting to hear stories about them) she is more than welcome, but you don't want to hear about her dislike of children. she is allowed one eyeroll and that is it.

pretty simple. no, nta. if she wants to see you, she should just say so instead of getting butthurt over a party she probably doesn't really want to attend.

nta. it sounds like you took your friends feelings about children into consideration when not inviting her. why does she want to come to a 2yo birthday party when she hates kids?

nta i get not wanting kids, but i find it really strange when people "hate" kids. this friend is actively stating and showing that she doesn't care about what's going on in your life. hearing about your kids is no different than someone talking about their so or their job. your child is part of your life. not caring about your kids and refusing to even look at a couple photos is very selfish. i'm sure this friend tells you about things that are going on in her life.... red flag... very one sided relationship.

nta. it's a kids party. she has no kids. doesn't like kids. why would she get angry over that?

nta. i wouldn’t want her ass at the party either, if she doesn’t like kids she will have bad vibes and could ruin the party.

BENIGN

(38m) i am single and childless by choice but am close with my family. especially my niece and nephew, (18f) stephanie and (18m) alexander. i own a small business near a major university that caters to students. it’s mostly a bookstore that specializes in discount textbooks, but we also sell coffee and baked goods and offer study areas. since it’s hard to find jobs that fit high schoolers’ schedules, i’ve allowed stephanie and alexander to work at the store since they were 15. i had an offer with both stephanie and alexander that either i would give them their payment weekly or put it in a bonus college fund for them. i recommended the college fund, as it would be more useful in the long run, but it was still their choice. they could change this payment route anytime. stephanie chose the college fund route while alexander wanted weekly pay. now they’re 18 and going to college in the fall. stephanie has a hefty amount saved up in her college fund. she claims it will be enough to cover three years at her chosen university. she has also received several scholarships, so she can easily cover the rest with student loans. alexander is much less responsible with money than his sister: he has virtually no savings because he will almost immediately blow his paycheck on things he doesn’t need. the longest he saved was for three weeks, before he decided to spend it on a video game console. alexander was accepted into his dream college but says he is unsure how he’s going to afford it. my sil and brother were previously middle class but lost a lot of money during the pandemic. they recently asked me if i was willing to help cover at least the first few years of alexander’s undergraduate program and how i could pay them in segments if need be. i could technically afford to, but i would need to take some from stephanie’s college fund. i told them i thought it would be unfair to stephanie to bail her brother out with the money she worked to save all those years. i have some of my own savings, but it's an emergency fund in case something happens with the store. my sil and brother were disappointed but told me they understood. the problem is with our parents. they told me that it was selfish to “leave my nephew unable to attend his dream school” and should split the college funds. i told them that alexander already got his money-he just spent it already. they told me i should then give away my emergency savings because most teenagers aren't that great with money, and if alexander had to leave his dream school while stephanie could afford hers, it could “cause the family to resent stephanie” and i should “prevent that rift before their relationships get hurt.” but the twins have always had a good relationship with each other. and i think it’s hideously unfair that alexander gets bailed out while his sister had to work hard. aita?

aita for refusing to contribute to my nephew’s college fund when i heavily contributed to my niece’s?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vvv9yw/aita_for_refusing_to_contribute_to_my_nephews/

2022-07-10 16:34:54

nta stephanie's college fund isn't even your money to take. she earned it working. that would literally be stealing her wages. if you were contemplating helping alexander it would need to be without touching the money stephanie earned.

**nta**. anyone making the claim that this is somehow unfair on alexander, i bet, would be on the opposite side if the roles were reversed. but even without that, you've been generous already and it is vastly unfair to stephanie to withhold her own money now - because frankly that's exactly what it is: *her money*. she worked to earn it. as for pulling from your own emergency fund, no. this is all nonsense. ask your parents where their contribution is.

nta. but you didn't "contribute" to her fund, you paid what you owned her. it's like saying my boss contributes to my rent.

if, in fact, the only compensation for stephanie’s work was the contribution to her college fund, you’d be stealing stephanie’s wages to subsidize alexander. nta.

nta stephanie's college fund us her savings, not your money to share between the two kids. it's time for alexander to learn that money doesn't grow on trees. if your parents want to help alexander with college costs, they are welcome to do so but you shouldn't risk your business for them.

tell your parents to split their retirement money for the college fund. that's ridiculous. nta

nta - you’re not paying for stephanie’s college, she is. yes, i understand that you established the fund, but those are her wages for work already completed. the only person who has the right to demand that money be shared with her twin is stephanie, as morally that is her money. point out to your parents that the benefit of stephanie being so responsible is that she doesn’t need their help for school - so all the money they surely planned to spend for the twins’ college can be diverted to alexander. because surely they are planning on emptying their savings, since the expect you to….

nta. you're kind of the opposite of an asshole here, really. and i think it's best for both kids for you to stick with the terms of your very generous arrangement and let them each live with the consequences of their own choices, which you informed them about in advance and which they could at any time have chosen to change one way or the other. stephanie should be rewarded for her choices, not stolen from because of alexander's choices. and alexander should live with the consequences of his choices. only assholes here are the people suggesting otherwise.

nta, are they parents even putting in a dime? why are they expecting you to pay. “ teenagers aren’t that great with money?” that’s not true it depends what kind of person you are.

nta. alex squandered his money, stephanie did not. not your problem. it's not even your money to decide- if it was stephanie's wages invested on her behalf, it is hers. your parents are ah.

BENIGN

i’ve been friends with this girl kayla for since i was in high school. since we’ve know each other she’s big a little big but not to the point where i was worried about her health. since we’ve been in college, it’s gotten to the point where she is probably borderline obese. like she’s 5’4 and weighs probably around 190. like she has 30lbs on me and i’m a 5’10 guy that works out frequently. i’m legitimately worried about her health but i try not to say anything as weight is a touchy subject for a lot of women. however when in our larger friends group sometimes the topic of health and exercise come up and kayla will say things that are straight up wrong. this happens a lot but i’ll put the ones that are very obviously wrong: “it’s not healthy to eat under 2750 calories in a day” “the more you diet the more fat you build” “it’s not natural to have abs” “i don’t have a fast metabolism so it’s almost impossible for me to lose weight unless i starve myself” she has in multiple occasions said that you can be healthy while obese and has said that skinny people are more unhealthy than fat people. i’m not some body builder dietician but even i know most of what she’s saying is bullshit so i call her on it. i’ll either ask for her to explain what she means or explain how that works. as you’d expect she can’t, and i tell her that because she has such a misunderstanding of nutrition, that might explain why she is bigger. she’ll tell me she’s healthy the way she is and is probably as healthy as me and usually i don’t let it get any further. this happened a few days ago and she said she was probably as healthy as me because i starve myself every day. in response to this i said, “i don’t starve myself, i just eat in a way that won’t have me dead at 30.” she started crying and left and the a few of my friends were on my side but a few also told me i was being an asshole. aita?

aita for correcting my(21m) overweight friend’s(22f) misinformation on health?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kjfwm7/aita_for_correcting_my21m_overweight_friends22f/

2020-12-24 14:01:25

nta you seem to be pretty respectful about it, like you don't pester her with your side of things and only discuss it when it comes up. the 'dead by 30' comment was a little harsh, but it seems like she doesn't hold back either when it comes to being blunt. i'd continue to be kind to her though. it's probably easier to hold on to her opinions, than facing the fact that getting to a healthy weight will be a ton of work, not just physically but also for her feelings. i'd feel very overwhelmed too.

esh. she sucks for spreading health misinformation. she isn’t completely wrong when she says that a skinny person can be unhealthier than a fat person but it sounds like she’s saying that being obese doesn’t put your health at risk when it does. at the same time you took it too far by basically implying she’ll be dead by 30. you also don’t know how unhealthy she actually is. things like cholesterol, blood sugar, etc matter as well and you wouldn’t know what her vitals look like, how she actually eats or how often she exercises just by looking at her.

nta. she really needs to stop spreading misinformation as and face reality.

nta looks like she needs to stop living in a fantasy world.

esh you didn’t have to make that dead before 30 comment but she also didn’t have to say you stave yourself. sounds like both of you need to approach the subject of weight and health differently. while the things she’s saying about calories and obese people being more healthy than thin people aren’t correct, she is right that you can be healthy at a larger size depending on how you take care of yourself. if i were you i’d just avoid talking about that topic with her, she’s clearly defensive about it and she needs to stop attacking people who are smaller than her. also her weight is none of your concern, unless you have her medical records you have no idea how healthy she is.

nta, you are right but come on, that comment was never going to go down well, surely you knew that. correcting the misinformation is fine but realise that it is her body to make decisions about, even unhealthy ones. some people are just not gonna live as long but maybe they are happy being that way. when she makes a comment about your body tell her to stop skinny shaming and your body is non of her business... or you shudda said that before you poked your nose into her business, guess you can't say that now!

nta but i think there’s potential for eta. at this point, it’s clear she doesn’t want to have a serious conversation about weight and nutrition and isn’t open to learning about it, so your best bet may be to just ignore comments moving forward. just skirt over her comments about her health and move onto a new topic when in groups. if you’re very close and don’t want to sever the friendship, maybe reach out and ask if you 2 can speak privately. mention that you’re worried about her health and value you her too much to lose her to bad nutrition. but that you understand it’s her life and if she doesn’t want to talk about it - that’s fine. but you’d appreciate her not making comments about your nutrition and accuse you of starvation. the best course for your friendship may be to avoid conversations about nutrition, weight loss, etc when you’re together. if you can’t both agree to that, you’re looking at more of these arguments moving forward.

esh. this turned petty a long time ago. if you were concerned about her health, you would have talked to her in private. she is obviously trying to convince herself and others that her unhealthy lifestyle is ok and spreading wrong info on the way.

nta, she is blatantly misinformed on health and i'm not sure if she actually believes what she's saying or if she just says it to make herself feel better about her weight. it is certainly not starving yourself to eat less than 2700 calories per day. she was actually the one who made a rude comment about starving yourself to begin with, so she would be the asshole. you were coming from the perspective of a concerned friend. although going forward it seems she doesn't care to educate herself so there's only so much you can do unfortunately.

nta she shouldn't be shamed for her weight, but she is straight up delusional. you have stated your position, just drop it now.

BENIGN

so my friend tom(24m) is a little strange and struggles socially at times but we all love him dearly. the one time he really comes alive is when he hosts his dual christmas and birthday party. he always seems very excited about this party and plans months in advance. always fun games and trivia and it has become a staple of our friend group's holiday traditions. i think its important to note that this party always takes place on his actual birthday and it is always hosted at his house. this year he sent out an invite as usual and his birthday falls on a sunday. maybe 2-3 days later i get another invitation from tom's gf, julie(19f). its an invite for a surprise party. i think this is a little weird but assume its a small event for close friends out at a bar. i check the facebook invite though and see that she has invited the entire party. i also notice the location is set for tom's house and the date is a day before his actual party. i'm pretty confused at this point. i'm not really sure what the point is in having a surprise party a day before tom's event that he looks forward to every year. i'm also worried that this change in plans will stress tom. i'm not the only one confused as people on the invite list message me asking for clarity and eventually a group chat gets started with our close friends on how to handle this situation. we eventually decide its probably best for me to message julie and try to see if she would be willing make the surprise party a smaller event at a bar so tom can still have his event as planned. we write up a very nice message to send that is supportive of her idea while also firm that we think this would step on the toes of tom's party. no dice, julie completely ignores our carefully crafted message and tells us that she thinks saturday would work better and we will do everything tom had planned for sunday... on saturday. i try to negotiate further but there is little budging. at this point the groupchat is divided. some just want as little conflict as possible and are willing to move mountains for tom to make sure he is still socially comfortable and traditions are maintained. others are wanting to boycott this party and view it as another power move from julie which she is somewhat known for. i see both sides, i know tom would just want as little conflict as possible but i also know he is someone who struggles to find confidence and this party is always an event where he is truly in control. its also become my job to use the key tom gave me to let everyone in to his house. i am just feeling way too involved for something that i don't fully support. i can't help but feel i should send julie one last message with a more blunt tone. i think it is rude for julie to plan a party that overshadow's toms and i did not make that clear in initial messages. i am wondering if i wbta for one last attempt without sugar coating

wibta for telling a friend's gf to cancel his suprise party?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e216wq/wibta_for_telling_a_friends_gf_to_cancel_his/

2019-11-26 17:26:50

nta. she’s making this about her and not tom. clearly, this woman has no empathy and is a little self-centered. i would be blunt and tell her you have no intentions of being involved and why. feel free to tell her that others feel the same. offer up your compromise of a smaller group of people, but if she is adamant, let it go. there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to do what your friend, tom, wants to do on his birthday. if julie wants to surprise tom, she can do it the weekend after. to me, this reeks of her trying to steal tom’s thunder for her own ego. don’t feed it.

wait, what? she thinks basically moving his party, that he planned, from sunday (his birthday) to saturday (when she would prefer to have it) without telling him is a surprise party? because having the exact same party two days in a row is not what a surprise party is. nta. if it were me, though, i'd go right past julie to tom.

nta she's stepped way out of line, and honestly i think you need to tell tom.

nta. from what you've said, tom loves planning his party. he makes a big deal out of it and it's an annual tradition and you all want to keep doing that. julie is trying to what, upstage his party? there may be a generous interpretation of her behaviour where she's not being a giant bitch but i can't think of one. going to julie's party sounds like it would make tom sad. do you want to make your friend sad on his birthday? say something. and if she doesn't back down, put something on the facebook event page that you're boycotting the party because it will make tom sad. actually, just tell tom. can't do a surprise party if the guest of honor knows about it.

nta - and she sounds like an idiot. it’s not a surprise party if she throws the exact same party, with the exact same activities , same people at the hosts own house on the day before the actual party. that is a prank. maybe explain this to her and tell her that tom will be hurt and mad with this change to his plans and not happily surprised.

nta. tell tom so he can handle it as he chooses.

nta. explain again how you think this is weird and tell her you won't be participating on saturday. it would help to have the other friends tell her they won't come either. this surprise party is about her, not her bf, and she should be confronted with that.

op. please update us! curious how this pans out. big nta btw.

nta. i would let her know tom's friends prefer to stick with his tradition and you will not be using your key to let her or anyone else in that day without tom personally giving you his explicit approval. she can have it somewhere else. plus my concern is (1) she is being a brat and moving the date because she either tried to originally convince tom to move it to a day more convenient for her (to which he said no dice); and (2) that if everyone parties too hard on saturday, they'll be too exhausted to party the next day leaving tom with a much smaller group than he originally planned for.

nta - it sounds like tom has his routine and upsetting that routine will just make things worse. especially if it's a surprise. something tells me tom doesn't like surprises. i agree with the power move comment. just be sure to be prepared for her eventual "i was just trying to do something special" tears. those are about her, not tom. oh, and happy birthday, tom.

TOXIC

i, (18 f), have been babysitting for this family for almost a year now and have had almost no issues. despite her constantly asking me last minute i usually say yes and go anyway. she has 3 children and pays about $10 an hour, $5 less than minimum wage here, but i never really minded since i’m just doing this in my free time and i genuinely enjoy watching her children. but last weekend she cancelled last minute after not feeling well and i completely understood. she said we could try again next weekend (this weekend) and that she’d get back to me with a time. i said i’d probably be free and for her to get well soon. one week later and still no time from her, i assumed she no longer needed me and since i’m recovering from a sinus infection anyway it was probably for the best and i could finish my college essay today and relax. only for her to send me a message asking to come over and babysit for their anniversary in 4 hours. i was a little annoyed since she was only telling me this now, and said i couldn’t because this paper was too important and i wasn’t feeling well enough to babysit. she got mad at me for not telling her sooner and implied that it was my fault she now had to find someone else in a four hour time span. i apologized and left it at that but my mother said it was my own fault for not communicating. i insisted that i would have told her had she asked me earlier and not the day of, as i can’t sit around doing nothing until she decides she needs me. i know i’m probably the asshole in the situation but it just feels like parents don’t value babysitters time and personal lives.

aita for refusing to babysit last minute?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x58rw0/aita_for_refusing_to_babysit_last_minute/

2022-09-04 00:07:58

nta -- she knew it was her anniversary. and you mom is a jerk.

nta...she is though for thinking you are just sitting by the phone waiting on her call. you need to put down some ground rules about advance asking.

nta. why should you have told her sooner? she is the one who waited until last minute

nta and your mom is wrong. $10 for 3 kids is very low and she is being disrespectful of your time. she needs to ensure she lets you know with sufficient notice. don’t be a doormat

nta. first of all, explain to your mother that it is unreasonable for her expect you to be on standby all day long just in case this lady may want you to babysit. a good parent would encourage you to prioritize doing your school work and taking care of your health over babysitting. second, you need to talk to the mom, she is taking advantage of your kindness and willingness to be flexible. set some reasonable boundaries so that she can’t do that anymore. tell her that from now on, she needs to arrange babysitting at least 24 hours in advance, because you have a life and you are not available to just sit around waiting to find out if she might need you. if she can’t manage to plan that far ahead, that is not your problem. and if she arranges for you to babysit and then cancels at the last minute again, you will no longer be available to babysit at all. your time is valuable, and she needs to respect that. she can get her sh*t together enough to plan ahead, and deal with you fairly, or she can try to find another babysitter who will put up with her nonsense for minimal pay.

nta. this woman is taking advantage of you.

nta sure you could’ve been proactive but ultimately she’s irresponsible by waiting until the last minute and not following up earlier.

nta - just because you have been available for last minute babysitting in the past, doesn’t mean that you have to be for all future instances. if she was trying to plan for a special evening, then she should have been talking to you earlier in the week to make sure she could count on you being part of her plans. also, your mom is wrong. why should you have to contact them about whether they are planning to go out for the evening? that isn’t how babysitting works.

nta. i'm in the same boat as you but i babysit less frequently. the mom knows i'm usually free f-s and usually only contacts me less than 24hs in advance because she needs help urgently. i adore the family so i always go if i can but she has never given me issues when i can't. this woman clearly doesn't respect you or your time and your mom is delusional if she really thinks you should apologize. as the parent it is her responsibility to ask about your availability in advance, not the other way around.

nta you have a life independent of this familys and you are not obligated to drop everything you’re doing just to accommodate them. the mom needs to learn how to respect others time.

BENIGN

the building i work in has 4 people, including myself. each of us has own our office, but we share a central kitchen/sitting area. all of the furniture in the building is provided by the institution we work for, and we are granted a department fund every year that we can use to replace any outdated/broken furniture or purchase any additional furniture we would like (within reason) from our institution's supplier. recently, my coworker has expressed interest in getting a dining set for our shared kitchen space to eat lunches at, and has been asking me and the other 2 people in our building for their input. i told her that it really did not matter to me, as i always eat my lunch in my office, and would not use a dining set. she has been looking through the approved supplier's catalog for a few days now, but apparently has not been happy with any of their options. today, she arrived with a dining set she had bought herself with her own money from a certain scandinavian department store, aka not our approved supplier. she asked me to help her put it together, which i did. the problem arose from her next question, when she informed me that she had paid $100 of her own money to purchase it, and then asked me to contribute $25 so the 4 of us in the building could split the cost. i refused, saying that i did not want the dining set to begin with, and was not planning to use it. i also reminded her that we could have gotten one for free from our supplier. she became very upset with me and said how it was rude of me not to contribute "my fair share". the other 2 people in my building begrudgingly gave her $25 to "avoid a scene" and suggested i do the same. i still refused, and my coworker has been steaming over it all day. i know that $25 isn't a grand sum of money, but i don't see why i should have to pay for something unnecessary that i am not going to use. does that make me an ah?

aita for refusing to pay my coworker for a dining set she bought for the office?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ylc7gc/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_my_coworker_for_a_dining/

2022-11-03 19:28:25

nta she asked. you answered. she ignored you. now she may learn to believe people when they tell her something. or not. but that is not your responsibility

nta it sucks that your coworkers lack a spine and made you the villian.

nta i’m a fan of the scandinavian store- but it’s not industrial quality like i’m assuming your company supplier might be i’d charge her $25 for your time and labor assembling it also, when someone quits or leaves the company, do they get their $25 back? if a fifth employee is brought in, do they have to pay each of you $5 to make it an even $20 spent by each of you? poorly thought though idea all around on her part.

nta - your coworker has no right to go out and spend your money.

nta. when she quits she will take it with her. and only paid 25 percent of the cost. she's extorting you.

nta all the way - especially if there was a free/work sponsored option available and she took it upon herself to spend her own money. if you guys have a hr department, might be time for a quiet word with them to put things on the record because she’s likely to escalate.

nta - if she wanted to do this she should have asked first

nta. this reminds me of another post where some kids shoveled for someone and then demanded money. she made the decision to buy the dining set without input and you shouldn’t have to pay just because she “bought it for the office” without your knowledge.

nta. she had an option that would have been paid for. she chose something else without consulting everyone and getting buy-in in advance. she demanded an even split, though no one in the group agreed to pay \*anything\* in advance. if i chose to add something to my shared space, that's \*my\* choice. i don't demand that others cover that cost. she is the a h. and a picky one at that.

nta i don't allow people to spend my money without permission. period.

BENIGN

first reddit post ever. just felt like i needed some unbiased advice from complete and utter strangers i guess. so i'm 29, single and i've fallen pregnant to the man i've been casually seeing for the past 2yrs. neither of us ever wanted to pursue a relationship. fast forward to conception the morning after pill didn't work. so a single shot in the dark (no pun intended) has resulted in the greatest gift the universe has ever provided me. and don't get me wrong, this baby is a gift to me as i never thought i'd have the chance to be a mother. regardless of the circumstances this baby has been conceived, it's a miracle to me. i sat down with him a couple weeks after i found out and explained to him our situation. all he could really say was that he never wanted his first child. who's 3 years old so this isn't his first rodeo. i've watched the women in my family battle with their baby daddies my entire life and i'm not ready to do that. so for the sake of my sanity i gave him the option to terminate his parental rights.i have not placed any pressure on him. i've given him space and time to decide what he wants to do. my reasoning was always that if i had the choice i felt that he deserved a choice too. fast forward to my first scan i updated him on the baby and he responded that he still thinks this is a mistake and that he thinks that i think he'll change his mind when he won't. he hadn't given me an answer as to what he wanted to do so i felt that in case he did want to be a part of this he had the right to see the first scan. he again didn't say that he planned to terminate his rights. and i still didn't push it as i wanted him to make the right decision for all of us. whether that meant he would be there for us or not. today, knowing that my next scan is coming up, i messaged him and asked him if the two of us could sit down and discuss his options, again not asking for a decision. i added that i was just trying to make the entire process easier on the both of us and that i wanted to make this as stress free as possible. he said that he would be 100% relinquishing his parental rights to me. i advised that this would mean that i would need to speak with a lawyer to have this processed through family court. that way he would have no financial obligation to us and no rights concerning my child moving forward. he's agreed to this and also agreed to cover all legal costs involved with terminating his rights, a wave of sadness hit me and i've not stopped crying since. i just wanted to make the right decision for all three of us but i can't help feeling that my first decision that i've made for our future was selfish. aita for taking away my unborn child's chance at having a father? am i selfish for wanting to avoid a life of bitterness with a man who never wanted us? now that he's made his decision i can't help but feel like i've messed up and that my child may resent me for this.

aita for taking away my unborn child's chance at having a father?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h820pc/aita_for_taking_away_my_unborn_childs_chance_at/

2020-06-13 06:19:03

nta. it's better to have no dad than a dad that doesn't want to be there. you gave him every option and every chance. i've been exactly where you are, and if he one day wakes up and changes his mind do not let him tell you you robbed him of any chances. he did that himself.

nah going to court, going after child support and custody battles to force him to be in the kids life would be selfish. it’s better to not have you’re biological father there at all than to have him kinda and know you’re unwanted. kids will pick up on that kinda thing. he gave up his rights. you just be the best parent you can be. and years from now, when the kid asks, don’t lie. even kids deserve to know the truth.

nta. sounds like he needs to get the snip though, if he keeps having kids and doesnt want them.

nah i will say i think you handled the situation maturely. tbh the tears may be hormones. but it's better than a long term battle.

nah you appear to have given him the choice. he seems like he truly just wants nothing to do with your child and is willing to terminate that right and even pay for it. i think you can move forward knowing he made the choice with all the information possible. it’s not like you just met, you’ve known him for 2 years. he is choosing what’s best for him and you are choosing what you think is best for you. you weren’t expecting to be pregnant so there isn’t more you can do

nah - i imagine that growing up with a father who resents your very existence is probably more difficult than growing up with no father at all. please do make sure everything is clarified in the legal paperwork though. not all places allow for voluntary termination of parental rights, and in the places where that is possible, it doesn’t necessarily include an automatic release from financial responsibility. it is possible, that even if he signs away his parental rights, that should you be in a position to apply for government help, that they will force you to apply for child support at the same time and he will be held financially responsible if that happens. so again, make sure all of those points are clarified in the legal paperwork. what you are offering him is something women already have a right to. the ability to say no to parenthood after conception. it is kind and generous to offer this, and i hope your child will one day see the wisdom in your choice. i also hope that you’ll make sure to get a complete medical history with the legal paperwork, and hold on to it in case your child chooses to one day attempt to track down their biological father.

nta. my oldest dad's refuses to give away his rights, but hasn't seen his daughter in 2 years and refuses to pay child support. he throws her a bone about once a month to text her hi. she's in counseling and her therapist has said that the less she sees or hears from him the better. if he isn't fully committed your doing your child a favor because they won't be constantly taunted with maybe being wanted. congrats on being a mom and i wish you a safe delivery.

info: can you support this kid on your own? if yes nta, its better to have 1 loving stable parent than 2 of which 1 is shitty and resentful. but make sure that this child also has some healthy male role models in their life, be it if you get a son or daughter.

nta. you put the power in his hands as to whether or not he wanted to be involved, and he took the option to not be involved at all. you did not take your child's father away. he removed himself from the equation. there's a big difference.

nah - but if you're in the us, a guy can't simply sign away his rights. there are petitions and hearings and it's up to a judge to allow. without a super good reason most aren't going to do that. it's probably easier for everyone to just leave him off the birth certificate.

BENIGN

last night after a few drinks with a couple i’m friends with, i (f21) asked to see my friends(f21) nipple piercing because i’m planning on getting mine done next week and hadn’t decided what i wanted . she lifted her shirt for a few seconds and i inspected the bar and then returned to my seat. after that her boyfriend (m23) got really mad and told her she disrespected him by showing off something that’s only for his eyes. i would understand if i was also a man or if i had expressed sexual interest in her but i never have. i have no interest in her as well as having boobs myself? now my friend is not speaking to me and is threatening to leave his girlfriend . did i royally screw up? update and clarifications : i’ve been close friends with this couple for several months and they are both well aware of my sexuality and know they are not my type. this situation happened at their apartment, not at a bar. he’s since apologized and they seemed to have worked through the issue. i’ll make this clear: this was not normal behavior from him and shocked everyone involved. i’ve since forgiven him, because as long as she’s happy with his apology i don’t see a reason to push the issue any further. thank you to everyone for the insights and awards.

aita for asking to see my friend’s piercing?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ms4ajk/aita_for_asking_to_see_my_friends_piercing/

2021-04-16 14:26:38

nta you simply asked. she could have said "no" if she wasn't comfortable with showing you. the boyfriend's response was disturbingly possessive ("your body exists for my benefit"), and is a serious red flag in my opinion.

nta. you just asked. if your friend didn’t want to show you i’m sure she would have said no. she felt comfortable enough to show you after you inquired and that’s that. did her bf also lose his shit when she got them pierced in the first place? he does realize a piercing artist had to see and touch her breast to pierce it, right?

nta. is the boyfriend also a friend? this was a bit confusing, and the boyfriends sounds like he might be an ah. "showing off something that’s only for his eyes" is creepy and possessive. if he was offended she chose to show her body, that's a way to state it, but this line lingers as something that says your friend should run from the guy...like a gazelle from a lion. honestly, if the "friend" is making this big of a deal out of this, then do you want him as a lt friend? it's now like you poked it or tried to come onto her...

nta - this is not a big deal, and wow that's a really strong reaction. they have issues. i think a breakup is what's needed, dang!

if your friend has any sense, she'll drop him like a bag of dirt. he's got abuser vibes written all over him. nta

nta, but jeezus is that bf an asshole. there was no sexual impropriety here, and her nipple doesn’t become his property when they are dating. you did not screw up — you showed your friend what her bf is like, before she gets too deep with him. i hope she learns from this.

nta- i bet he doesn't wear a shirt, sometimes. is that grounds for dumping him? i hope he does leave her so she can be with someone who isn't a control freak.

nta. you’re not part of their relationship and do not have any standing from which to “disrespect” it. the issue between them is her behavior and his reaction, and either of them is free to decide either of those is a dealbreaker. fwiw i sincerely hope she does, because he sucks and he’s not likely to get any better from here.

nta, he doesn't own her body so has no right to be mad at who she shows parts of it to.

hmm. nta, i guess, but not for the reason most people are saying it. you're not the asshole for asking, she was free to say no. your friend is not the asshole for showing you, it's her body and she can choose to show it off to whoever she wants. the bf is not the asshole for being upset, he's allowed to have personal boundaries as to what he thinks is acceptable in a relationship, and is allowed to be upset when those boundaries are crossed, even if they weren't explicitly stated before hand. and clearly, showing 'intimate' parts of her body to other people is a boundary for him. what does make him the asshole here is getting angry and saying that she 'disrespected' him. he would not have been the asshole if he waited until he and his gf were alone, and calmly explained that he doesn't feel comfortable with her doing that. this doesn't mean that the gf isn't allowed to show off her body anymore, but it does mean that she needs to decide which is more important to her, the freedom to show off her body to whoever she chooses or her boyfriends comfort. and if she chooses the first option, then that just indicates to me an incompatibility between the two of them, in this regard.

BENIGN

i 30 female have stopped visiting my mom . the reason for this is that on the day i would like to visit my brother who i babysit for and who i have mentioned before also visits mom with his daughter. the issue is while i'm trying to visit i end up helping watch my niece. it happens everytime and i somehow always get stuck doing in and not able to enjoy time with mom. don't get me wrong i love my niece but i just want to relax and enjoy my visit. one example is when my brother first arrives i have to go out and help him carry stuff in. another is when he goes to smoke i have to watch my niece or if she needs a butt change they will have me do it. so aita for not wanting to visit my mom while my brother is also visiting?

aita for not wanting to babysit while i visit with my mom

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mnh10m/aita_for_not_wanting_to_babysit_while_i_visit/

2021-04-09 13:19:33

nta you are allowed your own time, while she is your niece and you obviously love her, she is not your responsibility to parent. you deserve your free time

nta - can you visit at a different time than your brother? or can you call your brother prior and ask that he not make you babysit during the visit?

nta. sounds like he’s timing his visits to coincide with yours on purpose so he can get a free babysitter. maybe wait until he visits then “surprise” your mom with a visit the next day?

nta - pull the switch aroo, tell your mum you are coming at a certain time and wait to see if your brother goes over. if does, wait a couple of hours and say something came up and when you find out your brother has left, you can then over to your mum's house. also i don't think you should feel like the the ah because are you really spending time with your mum or are you babysitting? because to me it's a way for your brother and mum to spend quality time together and not you. btw have you talked to your mum about this issue?

nta ​ your brother really needs to grow up and stop being so dependent on you.

nta ask her out somewhere even in covid times theirs things you can do together without being home. i read on one of your replies to a comment she's busy and that's okay but she is your mother so tell her you want some quality mom and me time to catch up properly without distractions and would she like to go to dinner or take a walk together. also learn to say no to your brother! "no i won't be changing nibblings nappy your the parent that's your job" "you can wait to smoke i'm here to see mom not look after nibbling while you chill outside" when he arrives at your mom's you suddenly need the bathroom (take your phone and catch up on email or reddit) for 10mins. he's perfectly capable of getting himself his child and all the crap inside the house it may take a little longer but he does it everywhere else he goes he can do it there to.

nta my family used to do the same thing to me. somehow i became the designated maid any time i was around. i'd end up fetching drinks, cooking dinner, and such. i put a stop to it by cheerily replying, "no thanks" when they told me to do something. turns out people don't know what to do with that.

nta, while helping him carry stuff is acceptable, the butt change is absolutely not.

nta isn't it your brother's job to parent, since, you know... he's the parent ?

nta, you aren’t his nanny or a maid. your brother has been taking advantage of your kindness. however it based on your post it also sounds like you’re not standing up for yourself either which is why he’s gotten away with it for so long. > one example is when my brother first arrives i have to go out and help him carry stuff in. you actually *don’t* “have” to help him carry his stuff in. he’s got two arms, he can carry his own junk. > another is when he goes to smoke i have to watch my niece you actually *don’t* “have” to watch your niece while he smokes if you don’t want to. would it it nice to do so? sure, but it’s definitely not your responsibility to watch his kid during his smoke breaks. what does he do to smoke when you’re not around? he should do that instead. > or if she needs a butt change they will have me do it. you actually *don’t* ever “have” to change a diaper *when the parent is sitting right there*. your niece is **not** your child, she’s your brother’s- if you aren’t actively babysitting her then the state of her diapers are not your responsibility. refuse to change any diaper when your brother is there, do not [jade (justify argue defend explain)](https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/family-building/jade-an-easy-mnemonic-for-difficult-family-members/#gs.j7s21h) yourself, just say “no. niece is your baby so you need to handle this.” it’s time to learn how to stand up for yourself, [set healthy boundaries](https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/), and say “no”. remember: you can say “no” and still be a kind person. you can set and enforce healthy boundaries and be a good person. **just because someone gets upset at your choices/boundaries it doesn’t automatically mean that you’ve done anything wrong**. you can say no to something without having a “good” reason to- *simply not wanting to do something is a good enough reason not to do that thing*.

BENIGN

my dad owns a pizza place that was handed down to him from my grandfather. i've been working at the pizza place my while life, even part time while i got a business degree. i found out last early last year that my dad had willed the restaurant to my stepmom. his reasoning being she needs to be taken care of after he dies. and that it would go to me after she died. i was pissed and "quit" the next day. my dad ended up hiring two people to make up the work i was doing. now this is the potential asshole part. a month after i quit, i found a great location where another pizza place had shut down. i bought it and had it up and running in two months. my restaurant is take out only, but my business is doing extremely well. my dad reached out to me last september and said that his restaurant was losing business because of me and to please come back to the family business. he offered to buy my business so i would get something out of it. i declined the offer. now the craziness of 2020 happened and because my restaurant was already setup for takeout, i'm only seeing a 5-10% drop in revenue. the family restaurant however, is going under. now there's a whole lot of arguing about me causing my dad's family to become financially ruined. aita?

aita for leaving the family restaurant and starting my own after finding out i wouldn't inherit it?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gul6fn/aita_for_leaving_the_family_restaurant_and/

2020-06-01 14:02:54

nta. inheritance issues are always complicated, but you went out and did something on your own and made your own living, not dependent on the family business. it sucks that your family’s business is going under, but i don’t think it’s fair to blame you for that. it’s also not fair for them to assume that you should just sell them the business you built, after your dad wasn’t leaving his business to you.

nta. blaming his restaurant's failure on your success is unfair. if it wasn't you, it could very easily wind up being a different competition eventually. you had to do what you had to do to secure your future...he should be proud of your success. also, maybe i'm misreading here...but the family business wasn't setup for people to get takeout pizza???

nta. feels like your dad made that decision with his heart and not his head. like you have stated in your comments. your step mom doesn’t know anything about running a business and you literally are going for a business degree. on top of that, you have proved that you can run a business and be successful. your dad’s loss. he could have figured out a better situation with you still inheriting the store. but he didn’t. he took your hard work for granted.

nta. you needed to secure your financial future just like he needed to secure his wife’s. not your fault you did a better job. maybe offer to buy him out so he will “get something out of it”.

nta- you found out you wouldn't inherit the business as expected so you set up your own successful enterprise. nothing wrong with that and good on you.

nta. this sort of thing is exactly why my dad didn't finalize his will until he'd sat down and talked to me and my step mom together and let us come to a decision. he could have just as easily split ownership of the shop until your stepmom died and chose not to and now he's suffering the consequences of his actions. and clearly, his child is better able to run a successful business in the modern world than he and his wife are.

seems like a nta to me, you worked there your whole life and he just leaves it to your stepmom. the grandfather wouldn't be okay with this too i would say.

nah. you dad has the right to will his business to whomever he chooses. you have the right to set up your own business and put your efforts into that since if/when your family restaurant becoming yours is now in flux.

nta - i saw in one of your comments that you don’t get along with your step mom and she has children of her own. let’s be realistic, she would probably leave the business to them and not you. you needed to take control of your life and it’s good you have your own business now. your fathers restaurant isn’t failing because of you, it’s because he can’t adapt.

nta. you did not cause his business to go under. superior product will always keep customers coming back. too bad he didn't see your value prior to you leaving. sometimes people don't realize how good things are until life slaps them in the face.

BENIGN

my brother was skinny until he turned 12 his bike just got stolen from him leaving it in our yard and he never went to the park anymore just stayed home my father is a chef and always came home with cakes and sweets and said dig in my brother couldn’t resist it and gained half his weight in one year he was 34 kg and now he was 68 kg at 12 year old my mom did not care and my father didn’t care too. now he is 14 and he gets teased daily from our parents and told me he wants to lose weight but it is so hard i am working out in a gym with him and he lost 4 kg in one month and is eating healthy. today my parents call him a fat loser and i could said maybe if you fucking care about feeding him when he was 12 maybe he will be skinny now my parents just left us alone. my brother is grateful of what i said but my grandpa told me maybe teasing him will help him lose weight and my grandma too

aita for being pissed at my parents for blaming my brother obesity on him ?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c14sjf/aita_for_being_pissed_at_my_parents_for_blaming/

2019-06-16 01:45:10

nta - technically that’s a form of abuse.. i’m glad you’re helping your brother out. i’m sure with the right guidance, he’ll be fine.

nta your parents sound horrible. your brother needs you right now, don’t let him down.

nta you&bro: go to gym to work and you support him and he loses a kilo weekly. your grandparents: abuse him verbally that will help 😀😀😀😀😀

nta. that's is not teasing. it's fat shaming. my parents are like that too toward my sister. and because of that, it was just worst and worst. your grandparents are wrong also. he already has the will of losing weight. no need of "teasing", but just support instead. good job on looking out for your brother!

nta. your parents and grandparents are repeating parenting patterns that just don’t work. be your brother’s rock. you’ll both be better for it.

nta. parents who call their 14 year old kid a "fat loser" are hardly parents at all. good on you for helping him out.

nta. you are helping your brother get fit.

nta - you’re supporting your brother as he gets in shape and being a positive role model by not insulting him in the process.

nta. seems that you are the only one who cares about his health. teasing someone causes psychological damage and can be just as unhealthy. as adults they should know this. keep being an awesome brother.

nta. on the contrary, you're an awesome sibling for helping your brother get his weight under control. 😀 >my grandpa told me maybe teasing him will help him lose weight no. just no. all that will do will damage his self-esteem, not to mention it's psychological/verbal abuse in general.

BENIGN

i(31f) have one child (12f). my girlfriend (32f) has one child (11m). we all live together and have for almost a year now. my daughter and me moved to be with them. a couple of weekends ago the kids wanted to take their birthday money and go shopping. the sons birthday was in july but he had quite a bit of money left. my daughters birthday is coming up but we gave her the money a little early. we both told the kids that their birthday money was all they were going to have and no one was getting extra money. the day we were taking them shopping one of my girlfriends family members went with us. everyone looked around at a few stores. my daughter is the type to buy several smaller things with her money, while my girlfriends son always buys one big thing. everyone gets ready to leave and my girlfriends son starts complaining that he doesn't have any money to buy anything. he had over 100 dollars. he wanted something that exactly cost the amount of money he had. my girlfriend told him she would help with the tax. the family member of my girlfriend overhears this and says she would help. they go in the store and i go to put stuff in the car. they come out and i ask my girlfriend if his item was paid for and she said yes. i said ok i'm giving my daughter the same amount extra and she said ok. the son started throwing a fit saying that wasn't fair and i didn't do that for him. in my eyes they both had the same amount of money, it just came from two different places. now her family is mad at me and is excluding my daughter from stuff that they would have normally included her in. so aita?

aita for giving my daughter "extra" money.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xswuti/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_extra_money/

2022-10-01 14:34:55

nta. what kind of family excludes a 12 year old girl for getting the same money as the son? that’s toxic af.

nta when the son got the extra money, your daughter also should get. and her family is crazy for excluding a 12yrs girl from things because of this.

nta. if anything, your partner is the ah (softly). you previously agreed that no one was getting extra money, and then she broke that agreement cause her son was being a brat. then he proceeded to be a brat again when you rightly evened the score. and now his family is going along with an 11 year olds opinion on money?

nta its nothing to do with her family if you decide to treat them both the same. how they treat her afterwards makes them the ah.

nta. it's a very weird and cruel reaction from your gf's family. the boy comes off as a spoiled brat and his family seems to want to go along with that bad behavior to the point of punishing your daughter for something completely out of her control. little prince joffrey should've been put in time out for that tantrum.

nta - your kid, your decision. in fact, if you decided to give her $100 extra bucks, that's still none of their business. what you do with your child is your business. nobody else gets a vote.

nta he didn't have the money to get that item he wanted (does he understand the local tax added?) - so other people gave him that. **he should be pleased he managed to get an item "he really wanted". instead, all he cares about is the extra his step sister is getting because of his decision.** forget the family's bs (for a second) - if i were you, or his mom, i would have punished him over this (as the daughter sound like she'll recooperate from "losing" the extra cash). the family sounds really toxic for doing this to a 12 year old girl.

nta. the thing is though, you didn't give your daughter extra money, you just equaled the amount both of them get to spend. it's concerning that the boy is already 11 and still doesn't understand what fairness actually is.

nta and well done for making it fair for your daughter.

nta i’m glad you’re making it fair for both children, instead of favoring one over the other. additionally, the son technically had extra money (leftover) when you went to the store and he bought an item that cost more that was covered by someone else. the girlfriend’s family are full of assholes for excluding your daughter. they’re taking out their anger and frustration on your daughter, who did absolutely nothing.

BENIGN

about 20 years ago my dad left my mum to start a new family when i was 11. my mum didn't know english, had no clue how to even pay bills but somehow managed to pull everything together. she's a fucking legend, but this experience imprinted on me the need that any partner i have in future has to be self sufficient and capable of looking after themselves. enter my gf of 2 years - she's a uni grad with a good job, but still lives at home with her parents. as clued on as she is about her professional field i'm not exagerrating when i say she doesn't even know how to basic shit like post a fucking letter. whenever she's asked for help with something, what she really is asking for is for someone to take responsibility for the task. a couple of examples from the last few months: (1) she bought her first car (an absolute shit heap, bit it is a first car) and asked me to look it over after wards. so i tried to show her some basic maintenance things she can do on her own drive; how to check the tyre pressure, the oil, headlights, explaining fuel reserves etc etc. she showed no interest, and come a couple months later the thing had clonked out....i went out to have a look and there was no oil in the fucking thing. (2) we booked a holiday for 2 weeks to tour south east asia. i asked her if her passport had at least a year on it. she said yes. at the airport she found out it was expired after i had a look at it. i asked why she hadn't checked to renew it: her dad was the one who had sent the application in 10 years ago and she didn't know it had to be sent in to be renewed (wtf?). this second one is what caused her to blow up at me, i returned from the holiday (she didn't answer any of my calls or text whilst i was abroad) and once i was back she chewed me out for abandoning her at the airport (its a 20 min train ride from our city center and the terminus is at the airport), that i should have double checked her documentation since i know about this sort of stuff. i told her, sorry, but i ain't pissing 3000 pounds up the wall because you didn't bother to check the exact thing i asked you to. it's really frustrating because i don't want to treat a partner like a child, like my dad did with my mum. aita here?

aita for pushing my gf to learn basic skills

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ev8mcg/aita_for_pushing_my_gf_to_learn_basic_skills/

2020-01-28 17:37:45

nta. that is incredibly frustrating, and she can't go through life like that. it isn't safe, i'm sure there are women who aren't as resourceful or resilient as your mother and end up in even worse situations because they don't have any life skills.

nta. if she is an adult then she is, and should be, responsible for doing adult things. you even asked her well in advance to make sure her passport had at least a year on it. there was no reason you should have been "punished" for her failure to complete such a basic task by missing out on the trip. i would sit down with her and tell her exactly what you've said here - that you want a partner, not a child. if she is unable or unwilling to act like an adult then you are not compatible.

nta. this isn't some kind of intrinsic personality trait that you are expecting her to change for you, it's just being an adult. having said that, i would absolutely be a dead man walking if i tried to leave my gf at the airport to enjoy the holiday solo..

nta but you’re also probably not compatible.

hard nta here in brazil we have a world to describe your gf - folgada (or folgado for guys) which is a mixture of lazyness plus opportunistic plus entitlement plus free-loading, which results in the people believing others should do stuff for them for whatever reason. it's like... that person that everytime you describe one of their "episodes", it's like "the freaking nerve of this lazy bastard!". your gf is not dependent, she is super capable of doings whatever, she is just not interested and believes other should picking it up for her. a perfect folgada. good luck, you will need.

esh. you write about your girlfriend like she's some random idiot you just happen to see on occasion. you don't seem to have much affection for her. either self sufficiency isn't as important to you as you claim, or you like being the smartest person in the relationship. why are you with someone you obviously have very little respect for?

nta. if i'm at the airport for an international trip and i'm at the stage they are checking passports and my gfs is expired after i asked her if it needed to be renewed with enough time to make the trip, and she didn't even bother to check the date on the passport when i asked? i'm going on the trip too.

nta - but she also doesn't sound like she's learning. and she probably won't start learning about normal 'adulting' tasks until she lives on her own, independent of the ones who taught her to be so dependent on others.

nta. i would find a new gf if i was in your shoes. if you want to start and raise a family, find someone who will help you, not an extra child.

the key difference between your mum and your girlfriend is that your mum was left to sink or swim and had no choice but to learn how to swim. as long as your helpless girlfriend has someone (you) to clean up after her — or at least someone (you) to blame when things go wrong so she doesn’t have to take responsibility — she’ll never, ever learn to swim like your mum did. i’m leaning toward esh because her behavior doesn’t just happen in a vacuum. it’s enabled by the people around her, and that includes you. and why do you do that? she sounds absolutely exhausting — petulant, unaccountable, careless. examine what you’re getting out of a relationship that sounds just like the one your parents had before your dad left.

BENIGN

i (20f) have a sister s (30f). she’s a waitress, and she makes decent money doing so. she loves it and has no desire to get a degree or change career paths, which is fine for her. i’ve never judged or put her down for that. i’m working a 9-5 until i figure out what i want to go to college for. i used to be a waitress, and i’ll admit the money was good, but i would never go back to it. the mental strain wasn’t worth the payout, and i was so stressed and tired all of the time that i couldn’t focus on literally anything but work. s is constantly making sideways comments about my job, saying that i don’t make good money and i should just go back to waitressing because my paycheck is embarrassing. she says i’m stupid for choosing a job with low pay instead of one where i can make a lot. she also says i’m stupid for going to college and getting a pointless degree because you don’t have to have a degree to make money and i need to just give up and go be a cocktail waitress with her when i’m 21. because of all of this, i don’t hang out with her much, but the other day she came over and the rant about college and my choices came up. she said all the usual stuff, once again telling me to just quit and go waitress and give up on college and how if i don’t, i’m stupid and i’ll be poor forever. i couldn’t take it. i snapped. i told her that she’s pathetic and the only reason she doesn’t want me to go to college or work a salary job is because she doesn’t want me to end up doing better than her, and that i would rather die than be a waitress forever because i don’t enjoy it and i don’t want to be like her, living in apartment after apartment and driving a cheap car when i’m 30, i want better for myself. now she’s crying to my mom and everyone is telling me i should’ve just kept my mouth shut and put up with her griping instead of hurting her feelings. but to me, it wasn’t just griping. it was spite and hatefulness for no reason and it needed to end. aita? disclaimer, i don’t see anything wrong with being a waitress at any age, especially if you’re good with your money and spend and save it wisely. there is a lot of money in it, and i can appreciate anyone hustling like that to be successful. however my sister is not successful, can’t save her money, and doesn’t spend it wisely. i also don’t see anything wrong with not going to college - plenty of people are successful without college. she is just not one of them.

aita for telling my sister i don’t want to be unsuccessful like her?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zp35k4/aita_for_telling_my_sister_i_dont_want_to_be/

2022-12-18 17:06:45

nta. if she wants to talk shit about your job, she has to accept the same in return.

nta - your sister is in no place to be putting you down regarding finances. you also do not need to "put up with her griping", that's ridiculous.

nta - you gave her a taste of her own medicine. she kept belittling you and your choices, calling you stupid. what was she expecting? now she knows how you felt every time she made comments on your situation.

nta. your sister has made her thoughts on your (potential) career clear, with no regard for how you might feel as a result. you've simply returned the favour. could you have done it more politely? yes. but she also called you 'stupid', so that's hardly polite in the first place. live your life the way you want to, op, that's the only way to be happy.

nta - your sister was definitely jealous because your potential options bother her. i love that you were honest with her and clear minded. but now you need to put up or shut up. you don’t have to go to college, but you now need to figure your sh!t out rather than coasting with the “undecided major” excuse. maybe a trade school would serve you better. maybe you can try a code academy class on the side to see if that’s your thing. even entry level coders make very nice salaries. you have options. but make no mistake, a dead end office job is the same thing as waitressing. don’t waste the opportunity because if you do in 5 years she will rub it in your face. good luck!

esh. both of you need to learn that "success" can mean different things to different people and you should respect one another's paths in life.

>everyone is telling me i should’ve just kept my mouth shut and put up with her griping instead of hurting her feelings. that's just bullshit. why are her feelings more important than yours? nta

esh. she should have kept her opinions to herself and you shouldn’t have shot so low. no one can cut you down emotionally like a sister, unfortunately.

nta. she shouldn’t dish it out if she can’t take it.

esh. neither of you should be putting down the other's life choices. you need to find more respectful ways to communicate.

BENIGN

so throwaway because i don't want to link this to my main account and because i don't want to be identified sorry. also father's day in australia is at the start of september. my husband and i have been married for 6 years and we have a 4 and 2 year old and had our third child 9 weeks ago. so basically my husband hasn't gotten me anything for mother's day the last 2 years, i do understand i am not his mother but i thought because our kids were so young we would help them get the other parent gifts until they could do so themselves. i continued to get him amazing father's day presents and i was really upset when i again got nothing this year and when i asked why he couldn't really give me an answer other than he was super busy and forgot. my kids and i were having coffee and a playdate with mil, sil and my nieces and nephews last week when my sil bought up father's day and was gushing over the present she got her husband. they asked me what i got for my husband and i said nothing. that he hadn't gotten me anything in years so i assumed we were no longer getting gifts for each other on these days. they both got really upset with me and lectured me on how "men will be men" and i shouldn't hold it above his head. i am no beginning to think that i am being an asshole but at the same time, why is it fair that i get nothing? so wibta for not getting him a gift because i am getting so much flack from mil and sil now and they said they were going to tell my husband so i'm sure we'll have a big arguement about this later.

wibta for not getting my husband something for fathers day?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ctsymd/wibta_for_not_getting_my_husband_something_for/

2019-08-22 05:29:49

nta - i don’t see why you should get him gifts if he isn’t getting you any and it’s been going on this long. have you had a chat about it with him and how it makes you feel?

nta firstly, never ever accept 'men will be men' as an excuse for anything. i know you didn't, but literally never consider it. it's a stupid phrase that is used as if men can take no responsibility for their own actions. lastly, why can't your husband be bothered to remember to get you a gift? it's not that hard, and most people look forward to giving their partner something nice! sure he may work, but so do most people on the planet and they manage to do better. he probably has a phone, which means he literally has a calendar with a reminder system on him at nearly all times. if he's not going to get you anything, you're under no obligation to get him something. frankly, you should be pissed at him for seemingly ignoring your feelings, and pissed at your mil and sil for essentially threatening to tattle on you over things that aren't their business to be meddling with in the first place! *

nta these women really haven't accepted you as a family member. sucks but now you know exactly where you stand with them...

nta because: > so basically my husband hasn't gotten me anything for mother's day the last 2 years and: > they both got really upset with me and lectured me on how "men will be men" let them go and sign up for the fucking handmaid's tale, then.

nta. i really hate the phrase “men will be men” because it’s almost always used to cover offensive thoughtless or inconsiderate behaviour. not getting him a father’s day gift might prompt him to rethink his laziness.

nta. your husband has decided that you don't do mother's/father's day presents. you'd probably have preferred that both of you did give presents, but it shouldn't be a one-sided thing as it's been up till now. also, that "men will be men" excuse sucks.

nta in relation to your mil and sil. they should mind their own business. nah/info in relation to you and your husband depending on how he reacts to this. people have different ideas and expectations when it comes to gift giving. there's no reason you should be expected to give a gift if you weren't to receive one and unless he is explicitly asking for and expecting gifts on father's day it's possible he just doesn't place a lot of significance on parent's days and gifts aren't his "love language".

nta - and fuck the in-laws and their making excuses for your husband's thoughtlessness.

nta. clearly these holidays aren't important to him. let it go until the kids are old enough to want to do something for him themselves (in school, or making breakfast, whatever) and at that point you can help them if they need it. hopefully he'll do the same for mother's day - you can tell the kids to ask him for help if they need a nudge.

nta * men will be men * wtf!?! sounds like your man's a douche you carried his babies and then squeezed them out of your body! if that doesn't deserve a gift once a year i don't know what does. stick to your guns and get that man nothing tell him you were to busy with the kids you pushed out of your body!

BENIGN

we have some background here. my sil is my brother's second wife, and she is the stepmother to his three kids ages 17, 15 and 14. my brother, sam, lost his first wife when the kids were very small and remarried quickly in part because he did not want to be alone and also because he did not want his kids to "grow up without a mom". they have been married for 10 years now and the three kids in question, do not call sil mom. they do not want anyone else to call her their mom either. she is the mother to my two nephews with my brother. but the discussion in question is regarding the older three. my brother and sil went to therapy with the kids out of concern that children so young were so resistant to calling a new mother figure mom. someone who loved them and was genuinely there wanting the best for them. they ended up blaming their maternal family for the lack of title for sil and attempted to cut them out of the children's lives when the maternal family refused to tell the kids they wanted them to call sil mom because she was mom now. the courts were brought in and that put a stop to removing contact. over the years the kids have been corrected many times. there have also been many punishments given out because the kids rebel against sil and have said things to hurt her. it's basically one big fight at their house. the rest of my family are kind of mixed on all this and some feel like sam and sil are wrong to push but others believe something is amiss because the kids have not mellowed out toward sil at all and still refuse to have anyone speak about her as their mom. i think they also believe their maternal side of the family are to blame and that they believe they are wrong for not encouraging it. i have spoken to my nephew and nieces. i know their mom's family have never said anything. what they do is talk about their mom and share her memory with them and it led to a connection forming through the maternal family. i think it's unfair to keep pushing them to call sil mom and i think a focus should have been put on giving them a happy home life vs pushing for something the kids have expressed they do not want. a few days ago sam and sil were talking to our family about the kids going back to school and how my 14 year old niece corrected the school admin who referred to sil as her mom. sil talked about how upset she was and how she doesn't understand how the kids can still be so wrong on this. sam said he wanted to pull his hair out. i suggested, and not for the first time, that they should come to terms with the reality of things. sam said the reality is sil is their mom and has been for 10 years. i told them the reality is sil is not their mom, she's their stepmother, and you can't force feelings on that to change. i am now considered the ah. they said i only hurt sil more and rubbed her face in the rejection by saying it. aita?

aita for saying my sil is not my nephew and nieces mom?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x5ln6k/aita_for_saying_my_sil_is_not_my_nephew_and/

2022-09-04 12:19:52

i read stories like this and think, how do these people not realize that by focusing on the title and trying to force a relationship which erases the deceased parent, they are nuking any chance of forming a good, loving stepparent relationship? nta. i'm glad that these kids have someone on their dad's side of the family who understands. your brother and his wife may be surprised in a few years when you have a better relationship with these three young adults than they do.

nta. if the kids were 7, 5 and 4 when they lost their mother, then they were old enough to have coherent memories and a proper relationship with her. therefore it's ludicrous for your brother and sil to think that they can just wipe her away and install sil as "mommy". wanting to be considered a mother figure is understandable, but the notion that she is their "mom" is insulting to the memory of your brother's late wife, and if i were those kids i'd be really put off too. sil needs to back the heck off or those kids are gonna hate her guts forever.

nta i suspect your brother remarried too quickly and without giving his children a chance to grieve properly. he needs to see it from their perspective.

nta sam and sil sound like horrible parents. they will absolutely be cut out by his older children once they are old enough to leave home over this! they have ruined those kids’ childhood with their selfish insistence that sil get the title of “mom” and replaces his first wife!!! > attempted to cut them out of the children's lives when the maternal family refused to tell the kids they wanted them to call sil mom because she was mom now. the courts were brought in and that put a stop to removing contact. asshole move! i’m glad the maternal family was able to block it in the courts. the kids did not deserve to lose contact with their maternal family over sam and sil’s selfish hang up about how things should go!

nta they're calling you an asshole because you're saying a truth sil doesn't want to hear: that 10 years later the ship has well and truly sailed and they'll never call her mother. they're pointing fingers at the maternal family, but honestly i think brother and sil dug the majority of the grave themselves from violently trying to pry the kids from their presumably loved grandparents and for all the punishments they've given out over the years. i wouldn't want anything to do with either of them after all those stunts, and would probably get way too much satisfaction from denying sil all the time. if bro and sil are throwing such a hissy fit now im dreading the meltdown that will happen when the kiddos all hit 18 and run for the hills lol.

as a young widow myself, i can’t even understand why you should force your children to call a stepmom mom. yes, i am sure she puts in a lot of love and caring and she deserves kudos for all that. but she should also allow the children to think of a name they find appropriate. they remember they had a birthmom. and being a step-parent is not always rewarding. but making a fight over this and even pushing away the “original inlaws”? it seems to me that your brother is in some sort of denial about his first wifes death. he should be acknowledging her life and their life together. not try to wipe her memory out. kudos for you, for speaking up. i think it was about time someone did. nta.

nta. yikes though. i think the sil and your brother need more therapy to get down to the root of why they are so fixated on the three kids calling her mom, and not by her name. they need to be doing whatever makes the kids comfortable and honor their real mother - no ifs ands or buts.

nta anyone worthy of the emotional connection needed for those kids to want to call her "mom" would never try to force them to do so. it's a big red flag that wife #2 doesn't actually care as much for the emotional well-being of the kids as her own ego. i guarantee you that is expressed in other behaviors with the kids.

nta she might be a good mother figure but the kids deserve to have their wishes respected, they're also dealing with grief and their reactions makes sense. they can still have a close and good relationship with their stepmother without calling her mother, your brother and his wife's reaction is making everything worse for the kids. you're not in the wrong, i sure hope they come to terms with this soon.

nta, and how dense are your brother and sil?! they could have carved out a wonderful and loving relationship and title for your sil, by pushing 'mom' down the throats of those grieving children, they basically ensured utter failure.

BENIGN

throwra update on the bottom i've been friends with (let's just call her a) a for about 11 years. 3 years ago she was involved in a car accident which left her wheelchair-bound. i'm 16 now, and i've been her best friend since i was 5. her crash was a rough time for me personally as well, of course not as rough as hers, since my friend was in a car crash, and i just lost my dog. but i put her in front of losing my dog, even though 13-year-old me was wrecked, and tried my best to be her "rock" while she was in tough times. after she got better, we hung out and was the same as before. just that as time went on, i felt like the power balance wasn't equal anymore. i was always taking care of her, and everything had to go her way. to an extent, i was okay with this since i couldn't fathom going through what she was going through, so i kept my mouth shut and was there for her. every phone call, every text, every "can you do this for me" i did it. but at one point, i found that i held some resentment towards her, and this grew as everyone around me just expected me to take care of her. i couldn't do certain things because it reminded her of when she could walk, and i couldn't hang out with other people cause she felt like she was "losing me". i had to get up whenever she wanted to get something, pick up whatever food she ordered, tie her shoelaces, carry her bags around, walk her dog, take her things to class, and so on. whenever i complained or tried to vent, i was always hit with the "but imagine what she's going through, poor thing." and so, the resentment grew and grew. this blew up yesterday. yesterday, we were at the mall picking things out (even though because of my asthma i really didn't want to go out) and she got caught with some unpaid clothes in her bag. she just blamed me, in front of everyone in the store, and only when the security camera showed her putting something in her bag, she admitted to lying. i was furious, and after i called a car for her, told her to "stay away from me and find someone else to take care of your lazy ass since i'm not your fucking mom" and left her in the (surprisingly well lit) parking lot. her mother (who was absent through a lot of this time due to god knows what) phoned my mother, saying i "broke her daughter's heart and abandoned her in a parking lot" and everyone, except for my dad, is telling me that i "crossed a line and put her in danger", and to put myself "in her shoes" everyone is telling me that i'm not a true friend and that i'm selfish. it's kind of getting in my head, and id if i'm as right as i thought i was... sorry about how long this is, this was about 2 and a half years worth of venting, but aita?

aita for abandoning my wheelchair-bound best friend in a mall parking lot?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j37f6x/aita_for_abandoning_my_wheelchairbound_best/

2020-10-01 12:16:11

nta apart from the (justifiable) resentment, she *committed a crime and tried to blame it on you*. that has nothing to do with her being disabled and everything to do with her having no morals and no regard for you. and the *you can't do this because i can't* and *you can't have other friends because me, me, me!* is so selfish and manipulative. this person is not a friend.

nta. someone here is not a true friend and it isn't you. she has taken advantage of you and topped it off by trying to blame you for her own crime. this person is not someone you need in your life.

nta she lied to try to get you detained instead of her. dump her ass

nta - you both sound like you could benefit from some therapy. she probably feels like she has no control in her own life so she is trying to control you. you are unable to maintain a healthy relationship due to age and inexperience. but the reason for the judgment is framing someone for a *crime* that could lead to serious long-term repercussions is very much a conscious decision that catapults it straight into asshole territory. and as for the people saying what you did was dangerous; she's in a wheelchair, not completely incapacitated. removing any and all responsibility for herself because of her condition is part of the problem. she needs to learn to rely on herself more. if i were your parent i would be livid with her and her parents for glossing over the fact she tried to give you a criminal record.

nta she tried to use you to beard petty theft, sounds like she doesn't treat you as a friend.

nta. your friend has been through a terrible thing but does not sound like a nice person and comes across as selfish and demanding. to try to frame someone for a crime they committed themselves is a low shot and in any other circumstances would most likely end the friendship, so why shouldn’t that be the case here.

my rule of thumb is that once someone tries to frame you for a crime your responsibility to them is over. nta.

nta “you’re right. i’m not a true friend. because i’m not her friend.” and just go on your way. you don’t have to do anything for her. especially because she’d rather you go to jail. that’s not a friend. she’s a thief.

nta. say to all those calling you one that would they want to risk going to jail for her cleptomaniac self? that she stole, tried to get you arrested by lying, and you could have had charges pressed against you, had security not checked the cameras. she is a selfish girl who will one day be held accountable.

nta. she tried to throw you under a bus for her offence. tell everybody who is criticising you that without the video evidence, you would have been charged and end up with a criminal record. cut her and them dead.

TOXIC

so one of my best friends loves to cook. she makes these elaborate dishes and she really puts her heart and soul into it which is great for a hobby and myself and all her friends always supported this hobby completely. the thing is her cooking never exactly tasted very good. in fact it was kind of awful. i’m convinced she’s actually not able to really taste food as well as she thinks she is (she has a severely deviated septum and has been known to have an impaired sense of smell). i thought maybe i just had an unsophisticated palate because my friends seemed to really enjoy her cooking. everyone always complimented her and ate her food with a smile, and if something to do with food came up said “oh you should ask her, she’s the chef of the group, she cooks all the time.” so i always wondered if everyone else was just being nice like i was, but didn’t care as long as my friend was happy. two weeks ago she invited us all to a big dinner and announced she was quitting her high powered job with benefits to strike out on her own as a caterer. she has two kids and is the sole provider of the home. afterwards we talked separately (without her present) the rest of us friends and someone kind of uneasily said “so, trish is becoming a caterer huh?” (not real name). and basically after beating around the bush for a bit it came out that we all felt she was making a huge mistake and was not a good cook. we talked for a while and were starkly divided over whether or not we should say something in case it wasn’t too late to get her job back and not spend too much more money on launching a catering business — half of us thought we had to speak up the other half thought her mind was made up and doubting her would only make her resolve to prove us wrong. so i was with her yesterday and she was talking about how she’d spent a significant portion of her savings and was now considering taking out a second mortgage on her home to kickstart this catering business. i couldn’t believe it. i had no idea it would require this much money of her. so, thinking of what i would want if the tables were turned, i sat down and explained we were trying to be supportive when it was a hobby but it was not restaurant quality food and she should not take a financial risk for it. she listened silently then firmly asked me to leave. i haven’t heard anything from her or my friends since. aita?

aita for telling my friend her cooking sucks after she quit her job to become a chef?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/do41u0/aita_for_telling_my_friend_her_cooking_sucks/

2019-10-28 04:30:41

nta (but it depends on how you said it). if you told her bluntly “your cooking sucks don’t become a caterer” then yta. but, had you approached her kindly about it then i think you were just offering sound advice to someone who needs it. especially when her family is depending on her as well.

nah as long as you were polite about it, of course. and she’s likely been doing a lot of thinking and regretting, so continue to support her. also, stuff like this is why you don’t lie to your friends, people.

nta. odd flavors aside - quitting her job and spending half her savings like that is really concerning. that’s a significant investment and life change. i’m curious why she didn’t try out catering as like a side hustle, to see how it goes before jumping in? surely she could have maybe taken on small catering jobs here and there in her free time or on the weekends to see if it would work? for example, i’ve known a couple people who loved baking and cake decorating. their day jobs were in unrelated fields. they’d start out small by selling custom cakes they made on the weekend. it was only over time and after the business grew and proved to be viable did they jump into it full time.

nta but your friendship is over. the part i never get about these people is the delusion, they always think they can jump to boss level. i'd honestly suggest anyone who really wants to cook, start out in a supermarket deli. it doesn't require much brain power, but it will absolutely kill any delusions of adequacy you may have. i always had to do the spit cooked chickens , and i hated it. getting a permanent grease sunburn from the fryer is another "not fondly" i look back on. (it did eventually clear up) i did like the giant cooler fridge, that was fucking great. i loved taking inventory in there because no one was yelling at me, and i like the cold. i've also heard line cook thrown out, but i think that's a lot more on the spot than the supermarket deli. i make a pretty mean sandwich after all that training, but i'd never want to work in food service again. that job cured the itch, as it were.

esh. you guys have been lying to her for a long time. you may have done it to be kind, but it has had real life consequences. you built her up to believe she was good at this. she spent a significant portion of her savings. you betrayed her trust, and a person does not just get past that. you and your friends owe her an apology. have you tried contacting your friends to talk through how to move forward with them? she sucks only in that she didn't plan this well. you don't start out by sinking that much money into something that fail. with two kids depending on her that's very reckless.

nta, has she been behaving strangely in any other ways? this sounds like pretty bizarre behaviour, just suddenly going all in and not doing it as a part time thing

nta. your friend is not only being ignorant, she is, as you said, staking her family's financial safety on this venture. even more so than would be normal, considering she's the household's sole breadwinner. you told her nothing her future customers won't tell her, except you were probably far kinder about it than they will be. unfortunately, there's nothing you can do now but watch her fail. frankly speaking, if she was even slightly business-savvy, she wouldn't be dipping into her savings or *taking out a second mortgage* to fund this business. i mean, loans are a thing, after all.

esh. maybe i'm blunt but if this was one of my closest friends, i would have told them their flavours need work long ago and certainly not made comments like "she's the chef of the group". having said that, if this was an acquaintance, absolutely put a smile on and say "mm, thanks for dinner!" i am a chef by trade, and i get the flip side of people asking me to critique their cooking and i hate it when it's someone i don't know very well because it can be really hard to tactfully tell someone that it was perfectly edible but isn't wowing me. but my best friend? i drive him crazy when he asks me to try something and i tell him "yeah, it's good, but maybe next time add some of this, and less of that"

nta for trying to help your friend, but she will most likely do what she wants.

nta, the majority of all start-up restaurants (and that includes catering companies) fail. that is just the reality. even the ones with fantastic *well trained* chefs. she, with her self-taught mediocrity is going to fail even harder, and it's going to be her children who suffer. the only people who should be starting restaurants are those who have something else to fall back on if fails (like a highly valued skill they can easily get a new job with, or an so who's job can cover the bills). because the restaurant is more likely to fail than succeed even before you add her lack of skill in cooking. has she ever had any formal training in cooking? has she ever worked for a restaurant as a manager? because many of those start-up restaurants fail because of bad management. so if she has no talent for cooking or skill in it, and she doesn't know how a food-based company is run, there is absolutely no way this idea is going to come to fruition. where is she getting a business loan to start this thing? who would give her a loan based on this? you're her friend, if anyone is going to give her a call back to reality, it's you. i'm starting to wonder if she didn't quit her job for this, but that she got fired and this is her way of dealing with it.

BENIGN

so when i (16f) was 10 my dad died. my parents were divorced years before and he was married to mary. mary and my dad had my half brothers and after my dad died she figured 50/50 of me should remain as though my dad was alive. my mom disagreed and so did i honestly, and she decided to retain full parenting time but give me the chance to spend time with my half siblings. it pissed mary off so bad. she has been pretty nasty to my mom ever since and it has made me think that she's just not a person i will ever like. it got worse this past year because she wanted my mom to send me over there during lockdown so i could stay and babysit my half brothers and help with school and stuff. then it came up because she was pissed my mom took me a place the boys wanted to visit and didn't try to include them. she was trying to plan a vacation and asked me directly to go with them. i told her i wasn't interested. she asked why and told me it felt like i wasn't even trying to maintain a relationship with her and that all i cared about was creating more distance. my response was she needed to be less of a dick to my mom before i make any effort to be more civil with her. and even then, how she's treated my mom makes me not give a shit about her or seeing her again but i love my half brothers. she got all mad and my paternal family think i was mean to her when the reason she's struggling is she loved me and was upset to be invalidated as a parent. i told them she's not my parent and she's not my stepparent anymore either. aita?

aita for telling my siblings mom she needs to be less of a dick to my mom?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nefn9q/aita_for_telling_my_siblings_mom_she_needs_to_be/

2021-05-17 13:01:24

>my paternal family think i was mean to her when the reason she's struggling is she loved me and was upset to be invalidated as a parent.  how certain are we that this is actually true, because... >she wanted my mom to send me over there during lockdown so i could stay and babysit my half brothers and help with school and stuff. this sounds like she wants you around as free labor to pick up the parenting responsibilities left behind by your father. and that's not your job. nor is putting up with someone who's rude to your mother, particularly when she's not getting what she wants, and you don't like it. nta.

nta. she sounds selfish expecting your mom to include her kids in that trip when she won't even respect your mom. i don't know why she's so pissed with your mom though, were your parents not in good terms after the divorce? but still, she should've respected your decision to stay with your mom. if she really loves you and wants to have a relationship with you like she said, she should at least try to be civil with your mom to be able to do that.

nta. she asked, and you were truthful, which was the appropriate response. probably using phrases like "be less of a dick" and "makes me not give a shit" is not ideal, because it makes you sound like an irate teenager when you're actually making a legitimate point. she's less able to dismiss what you say if you're calm and specific and choose your words carefully.

nta but this one is rough coming from the standpoint of a parent. from the sound of it mary helped raise you with your dad at least half of time since you were a child while this doesn’t excuse her behavior it definitely explains a lot of it. she lost her husband, the father of her children and then in turn probably felt like she was also losing a child. it seems like before your dad died you had a pretty decent relationship with her so it probably took her by surprise when you didn’t want to keep some sort of relationship with her after. it’s hard to understand until you become one yourself but when you spend that much time with a child whether you were biologically hers or not she obviously felt love for you. she shouldn’t be taking her resentment and pain out on your mom but i do feel like you should try to put yourself in her position for a moment and consider that this situation was shitty for everyone involved and everyone lost in the situation including your half siblings. i’m sure it wasn’t easy for her to explain to them that their dad wouldn’t be coming back and now neither would their sister

nta. she loves the free babysitter, not you as a person.

nta. you are not obligated to go and spend time there and she should simply respect your decision rather than being nasty towards your mother. it's a shame for your half siblings though.

nta you gave her an honest answer. if she had any damn sense, she would know that treating your mom like shit is not going to be the way to a happy relationship with you. she had a chance to be a nice & supportive stepparent, but she kind of shit all over that. so, i don't feel bad for her.

nta. when your dad passed, mary wanted to keep 50/50 custody and after hearing what she wanted from you during lockdown, she only wanted you to help with your siblings. your mom didn't allow the custody, so mary is mad and is nasty to your mom. you don't have to like a person who does that to your mom. she wants your mom to take her kids where your mom takes you. your mom isn't related to these kids and has no responsibility for them. mary asked you to go on vacation with them, you refused and explained what mary needs to do for a better relationship. i think you dodged another baby sitting job with that vacation. mary would have gone out to have fun and left you with the kids. i'm not so sure mary loves you at all. you told her the truth; she isn't your parent.

nta. sounds like mary wanted you to be a live in babysitter. but it would be nice if you kept in touch with your half brothers. they didn’t do anything.

nta "come over and babysit" is what i'm mostly reading here. couple that with her treatment of your mom, this is a no-brainer. either her behavior improves or you keep your distance and see your siblings when and if you want. to be clear, never volunteer to do babysitting unless you actually want to and are paid up-front - of you'll get a "you were paid for by the company of your siblings."

BENIGN

throwaway because i don't know if people in my family use reddit and i reaaaally rather not have them find my main account. my parents got divorced when i was a kid and subsequently, my dad got custody. my mom pretty much bounced after that and the last time i saw her i was like 10. she made poor life choices, so i went no contact to save myself the heartache and solely relied on my dad and extended family. my dad met his gf (like 40s?f we'll call her m) about a year ago and her and i don't really see eye to eye. she has two kids of her own (14f and 19m) and they all move in with us 6 months ago. my soon-to-be step siblings are okay but she's... she sure is something. she believes in essential oils, crystals, chakra and reiki but at least she isn't antivax. once she told me my aura 'is murky' and when i said i didn't believe in that stuff she got upset i guess. we pretty much just co-exist. well, they're getting married. and while i think she's weird and a bit rude with how pushy she can be with her beliefs, at least my dad is happy. it was all good until they announced their wedding date. for the sake of privacy and not wanting them to know this post is made by me, i'll just say that the date they picked is my birthday. i asked why they would pick my birthday because it upset me. i don't want my birthday to be overshadowed by their wedding and then their anniversary every year. it feels unfair. they told me that they (i think it was more-so m's idea) picked the date because it had good energy and the horoscope + star alignment was great and would bring them good luck. i really don't get that stuff— like moon in leo and venus in cancer or some shit like that... i really don't understand? and i want to respect their beliefs, but it feels like bullshit. now every time it's my birthday if i even want to go out to dinner with my family or do something, i can't because they'll be too busy doing anniversary stuff. i asked my dad if they could change the date and he said i needed to stop being selfish. m overheard me asking and now she's giving me the cold shoulder. aita for asking them to change their wedding date?

aita for wanting my (17f) dad (53m) to change his wedding date?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ntp9kq/aita_for_wanting_my_17f_dad_53m_to_change_his/

2021-06-06 16:15:38

nta. they have their choice of 364 other days in the year, they don't have to pick your birthday. it honestly sounds like some weird, petty way that your dad's girlfriend is trying to compete with you. she's forcing your dad to choose between her and you on this issue, and she's probably loving that she's winning. your dad also sucks because he should be standing up for you. you are not being selfish, and have very legitimate concerns. this is a messed up situation, sorry op. i am also from a family where my dad got remarried when i was 17, and my stepmom had her own weird ways to make sure she and her children were always prioritized above all else, including me. it's toxic.

nta. it looks like your dad has already chosen her over you. the good news is you'll be 18 by the time she has her "replacement baby" so you'll be able to move out. make sure your dad knows that he's thrown away your relationship and you won't be there after his inevitable divorce.

nta - you can't move the date of your eighteenth birthday, but they can definitely move the date of their wedding. that's some next level passive aggression there. unfortunately there may be no talking them out of it.

nta. while you don’t own wedding dates, calling you selfish is rich. there are other dates where the stars align and things look great from a horoscope perspective. that excuse of theirs is flimsy at best. set him down and let him know that this is hurtful to you again and that things may permanently change for the relationship if they are insistent on this. your reasons are valid.

if your aura is murky, could that not possibly bring bad luck to your birthday as a wedding date? nta. trying to come up with an argument that gf might think is logical.

nta. i’m sorry, but i don’t think there is anything you can do to make them change it. it isn’t like it was an oversight when they chose it and it’s too late now. they picked the date, saw the conflict and decided to go ahead with it anyway. make plans with your friends now. 18 is a milestone birthday. tell them you appreciate the invite but have had important plans on that day for a long time. wish them the best and enjoy the day with friends. if they try and demand you go tell them to stop being selfish and you’re not going to sacrifice an important birthday for their party.

nta. i have my suspicions who is the petty and selfish one here, and it’s not you, op. sorry your stepmom sucks.

nta. this is a total power move by m and your dad fell for it. he and she are 1000% ahs.

make some great plans for your 18th birthday with your friends and tell them you won't be able to make the wedding, they should have checked with you for conflicts if they really wanted you there. from then on, just celebrate your birthday as you wish. i always think a couple's wedding anniversary is their own business, i never get why they expect other people to remember or celebrate them. nta, but she is (it was totally deliberate. flakes are the *worst* people) and so is your father (for falling for it).

nta make other plans for your birthday with friends and don’t go. you’ll be turning 18 and legally be an adult so they can’t force you to go. they will be forced to explain why you aren’t there. if you feel really petty you can post before and on your birthday how you get to spend your birthday with the people who mean the most you. then move out as soon as you can and go no contact. tell them the house now has really bad vibes and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life

BENIGN

my ex wife split from my son’s life when he was 1. she had fertility problems and we decided on a surrogate, who was a distant friend of ours. we agreed it’d be a traditional surrogate mom, as in she’s the biological mother since we couldn’t use my ex wife’s eggs, and we’d used my sperm via iui. she was very open to help us and then our son was born. we agreed she could have a small role in his life as a “fun aunt” we would see every so often but legally he was my ex’s child. my ex realized it wasn’t how she thought it would be. it became pretty evident she didn’t connect with him and because of that she wasn’t as involved. we did therapy, we tried to figure out how to make things work. all of it didn’t do anything. first she wanted to take a break from us to figure out what she wants. then came wanting a divorce except she didn’t want custody. just to have visitation. months of going after her for child support or pushing her to come see her child. she stopped taking my calls. i accepted that i’d be raising my kid on my own. his (biological) mom spent more time with him. i wanted that so he’d at least have some sort of maternal figure in his life with my ex out. 2 years later we fell in love and started dating. another 3 years we got married. we decided she’d adopt him through step parent adoption. it was a headache going through the legal process since she was the surrogate mother and signed off on her parental rights. with my consent and then proving my ex abandoned him, we were able to terminate my ex’s rights so his mom can adopt him. all this time later (my son is 7 now), my ex came back asking to spend time with him now. my wife and i won’t let her. one because she’s been out so long so he doesn’t know her. the other was her reaction after telling her no. she started telling everyone she left because i had an affair with my now wife and that’s how she got pregnant with our son. for 3 months it was this whole headache because some family actually believed her. my wife is pregnant with our 2nd child so you can imagine that took a toll on her. she came to our house once apologizing but she just wants to see “her” son after missing out on so much time. i asked her to leave several times until we got police involved but it made it worse and she ended up arrested for trespassing. my ex mil (who’s still somewhat involved in his life) was so angry because she had to bail my ex out. she told me my ex is obviously hurting over her mistake and i just made everything worse instead of being compassionate enough to de-escalate the situation by talking to her. not only did i hurt my ex more she says, but also just hurt her chances of stability with an arrest on her record. she wasn’t a big supporter when i got with my son’s biological mom and she’s my ex’s mom after all so i’m not sure if i really was ta or she’s more biased here. aita?

aita for escalating the situation with my ex wife by calling the cops when she tried to see my son?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u3r0sh/aita_for_escalating_the_situation_with_my_ex_wife/

2022-04-14 20:48:13

that is rich coming from your ex-mil asking for compassion. does she think your 7 year old child is a puppy that will just play with her daughter and then forget about her? more than likely, your ex would start to introduce herself as your son's "real mother" and cause all kinds of pain to your son. nta you were right to not enable any visits with her, i doubt they would have ended well. what's she going to say? oh yeah, when i first met you i freaked out, but now i want to be in your life.

nta. get a restraining order. alert your kid’s school to not, under any circumstances, release him to anyone except you and your wife. she’s the one doing the escalation, not you, and you don’t know how far she’ll go. keep yourself and your family safe.

nta if i'm reading it correctly - ex wife is basically nothing to the child. she isn't the biological mother, she didn't stick around to be the legal mother. she disappeared and absolved herself from the child completely - so she's on her own. she has no connection to the child in terms of time/effort. she isn't the biological parent nor has she seen him for 6 of his 7 years of life and has no bond with him - so yanbu nor are yta. she is nothing to him (of her own choosing, and no, you can't change your mind 6/7 years later and decide differently)

nta, she has no legal rights to your son. and even though your wife adopted him he is still her bio son and your ex has no right to come back after 6 years trying to confuse your poor son. she should be happy that he has a mom and a dad who love him.

nta often in these circumstances, it becomes more about what the adults want, and less about the kid's welfare. your ex sounds like she's still about the "me" - i want to meet the kid, i want to have a relationship, it has to be on my terms. you and your wife protect the stability of that lil kiddo and the new baby on its way. if she wants to have a part, she can rationally sit with you and talk about it. sure, she may legitimately have regrets, but butting heads with the two legal parents is certainly not the way to go about it, and further lying about the circumstances of his birth to make herself look better!! thanks for all the effort you guys put in to officially adopt your son!

nta. your ex wanted nothing to do with him for seven years, she bailed, her rights have been revoked and, to top it all off, not only is she not the biological mother, the actual biological mom has been there raising him pretty much since the word go. she has no stake to claim here whatsoever. if she wants a kid, she can go adopt one or marry someone who already has one because this one is not hers and never will be. sorry not sorry, but she doesn't get to decide seven years into a child's life that she suddenly wants to be a mom.

nta. in the immortal words from abraham lincoln's second inauguration, "y'all motherfuckers brought this on yourselves."

nta you did what was right and best for your son when you ex flaked and bailed. she was gone long enough with no contact that you were able to legally have her rights terminated. she doesn’t get do over after seven years. and pretty sure you already have done this but make sure any care takers such as schools, doctors, whatever know the circumstances and do not give out information about or access to your son. and if you were allowing anyone related to or friends with your ex to see your son unsupervised i would suggest ending that now. they want to see him they can come see all of you. else you may find people coordinating with your ex so it is actually her spending time with him.

info: is this the script for a romcom you are writing? nta though, this sounds wild.

nta. this is just a crazy ex that is stirring the pot and causing her own problems by making drama. she didn’t want the baby when he was “hers”, she has no right to step in now.

BENIGN

i (36f) run a working farm, this year i have three foals that were born to my mares. i'm planning to keep one for my son (13m) as his own horse that he can train up and sell the other two once they're old enough. my brother (31m) has been suggesting i should give one or both of the mares to my nieces (8f) and (5f) stating how good it will be for them to have their own horses and how much they love my current horses. i'm not too comfortable with this idea, i do not have the time to help them train a foal which i know is what they'd want, my son is older and has worked alongside me on my farm from the second he could keep up and he knows how to handle horses having worked on the adult horses long enough for me to trust him with a foal. not only this but it would cut off an expected income from their sale if i were to gift them. i've told my brother i'm not comfortable gifting them and that i don't have the time to help train them and my son will be handling training his foal himself with only advice and input from me. my brother thinks his daughters can do the same and where i can't help their older cousin can help. i made it clear that i would not tolerate them trying to use my son in this way and he's too young to be supervising his little cousins in this. i finally told my brother if he can afford to pay for the foals and find someone to train them i'll let them stay on the farm for free but he and the girls have to be in charge of cleaning out their stalls and general care. he is upset with me and thinks i'm being unreasonable and that i should at least cut them a deal as we're family. i think letting the horses board here is a deal enough as he has nowhere to put them but he disagrees. am i really being unreasonable here?

aita for refusing to gift my nieces a foal?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u3v9ec/aita_for_refusing_to_gift_my_nieces_a_foal/

2022-04-15 00:14:03

nta. he wants you to give them a gift that has a huge cost and then be physically and financially responsible for that gift for years to come. no way. that is way too much to ask. he’s a foal to think that’s an appropriate thing to ask 😉

what kind of insanity is this? you're supposed to lose income (i don't know how much a foal costs, but i assume we're not talking a small amount of money, which only makes it worse), take on the training of an animal or set it up to suffer with insufficient training while also demanding unreasonable free work/babysitting from your son, and give the horse free board which could well also involve picking up the slack when they don't take proper care of the horse? nta. your brother is out of his mind.

as an equestrian, nta. who expects a foal for free?? for an 8 and 5 year old at that?!

this is a foal, that will grow into a massive animal. its not a rabbit, a cat or some toy that can be thrown into a closet. where does your brother think he is going to keep a horse? oh thats right, at your farm where it can be boarded, fed, cared for for free and to boot, your son's labor thrown in for free. your suggestion that someone has to clean out their stalls and provide general care is just absurd on your part /s/ your brother is living in la-la land and has absolutely no idea the expense and time involved in caring for a horse. end this bad idea now and sell the other foals you dont intend to keep. dont even feel a shred of guilt as you do this. nta

nta. he wants a 5 and 8 year old to train up a foal?! that's not wise or safe. i've been working with horses for 30 yrs and i'd still hesitate to take that on. kids that age need an old, bombproof schoolmaster, not a green horse.

nta. your nieces are not owed the "gift" of either of these foals. you're right, they are far too young and inexperienced. also, you stated in your post that you run a "working farm", which means it's a business and not just some hobby to supply your nieces with horses which they will most likely loose interest in over time. your brother is way out of line.

nta. they're five and eight, they'll be plenty happy to simply be allowed to pet and play with the cute baby horses with appropriate supervision. they don't need to be given horses, and especially not foals which can't even be ridden and proper training is *crucial* at that age. if your nieces really want a horse, they'd be much happier with a trained kid-safe horse than a foal anyway. plus, this is real life, not *flicka 4* or whatever number they're on. income is a legitimate reason to sell the foals, and they'll have a lifelong cost. you can't just take the loss on their sale because your brother thinks his kids having foals is cute.

if you came into 2 cars, would your brother want you to keep them gassed, insured and regularly serviced until his daughters were old enough to drive? and on your property too? and throw in driving lessons? if that sounds unreasonable, then this is too. this is a large and ongoing expense and burden. nta.

nta. flip it around; tell him you'll give him a discount on the foal, but then he has to pay for the stall care. oh - and to make sure that you don't have to squabble over collecting money, you want the first 2 years up front which just happens to be about the same as the discount, maybe? (i don't know how the numbers work out - but you see where i'm going with it)

nta at all. foals are so, so, so important to rear properly. mishandling of a foal can cost so much, and you may have to put the horse down for being too dangerous. it is not something like getting your kid a puppy or kitten, and even then they also are big responsibilities. you are not being unreasonable, please do not give them those foals.

BENIGN

this is my first ever post and i do apologise for my bad typing as i am still sobbing while typing this. i ,p (29f) am 4 months pregnant with my fiance m's (34m) and my first child. his family on the whole are very welcoming and often include me except for some comments that they make that really hurt my feelings. these comments always refer to me not being a part of the family. at our engagment ( his parents wanted to throw it for us) party i made a speech saying thank you to the best in laws and his mom made a statement in front of everyone how 'i shouldn't say that as we are not family yet.' i would like to add that his mom has had a few phonecalls with m's ex girlfriend in front of me where she would reminding the ex that they are family. two days ago the mom said that she wanted family photos but could only do it once my baby was born as i won't be family until then. the whole family then proceeds to tell me how we musn't be too sure that we are having a boy and i am not allowed to buy boys clothes they rained on our parade as we were happy with the news ( we would have been thrilled either way ) and feel like it is because they thought we were going to have a girl. m at first told me that they are joking with me and that they wouldn't if i wasn't family when i tried to talk to him about him. he has recently started to see things from my side when i pointed out my family doesn't do this. go to today. i am on a family group and the uncle posts this exact message ' dear family and p.i want to have a get together for my bd and was planning a day out in the country side on sunday. is everyone available and p.' i sobbed and lost it. i phoned m and said i am leaving the group. before i left i replied 'sorry, but i have family things that day' and exited. his uncle thinks that i can't take a joke. m supports me with this and understands why i am hurt but a part of me feels like maybe i over reacted and what if i just can't take a joke. aita?

aita for getting upset at the 'jokes' that i am not family.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t51hx4/aita_for_getting_upset_at_the_jokes_that_i_am_not/

2022-03-02 14:37:46

nta this hurts that the unmarried ex girlfriend is considered family (and appears that she still is?) and you’re not. does m have children with the ex girlfriend?

nta don’t invite them to any baby related since they’re not family. where’s your husband/fiancé in all this? why can’t he have your back ?

nta at all, even if this is supposed to be some big joke they have taken things way to far. the mother on the phone with an ex telling her she is family than turning to you and saying you aren’t until you are married/have a kid is so wrong i don’t even know where right is in that situation. i would say have your fiancé explain to his family that this needs to stop as it isn’t funny and to be blunt it’s cruel. i wish you and your family the best and hope you have a happy and healthy child!

nta "you just can't take a joke" is almost always the hallmark of an a-hole. it's only a joke if both parties think it's funny. also, *you're pregnant*, why they feel the need to rib you about this in the first place is beyond me. i wonder if, once the baby is born, this will really go away or if they'll just hone in on something else.

nta - & play them at their own game! not family? not invited to wedding not family? not invited to see newborn not family? don’t call yourselves grandparents/ aunts/ uncles etc to baby not family? not receiving cards etc for birthdays, christmas etc give them the exact same treatment someone who is ‘not family’ would receive, ie, bog all! what a very weird way to treat someone who clearly is family! i’d be distancing myself from them. & your partner needs to make it *very* clear to them that you and the baby are his family and his priority

nta i actually think your response was great! can’t he take a joke? from now on you should start dishing it out. “sorry mil, i’m only inviting family to meet the baby in the first month. you understand, right?” the way you responded to the group chat was perfect! don’t let it get to you, just start using it to your advantage!

nta, they are the assholes not you. were they doing and saying stuff like that before you got pregnant?

nta *"his uncle thinks that i can't take a joke"...."what if i just can't take a joke".........***.for those in the back including your so's family. it is only a joke if everyone especially the person who is the butt of the joke is laughing** (this is something that we tell 4 year olds and they are mature enough to understand it) also if you say some thing unkind **unintentionally once** that is **rude** if you say some thing unkind **intentionally** **once** that is **mean** if you say some thing unkind **intentionally more than once,** when you have been told or realise the person doesn't like it, then that is **bullying.** these are concepts nursery and infant school children can understand. "it was just a joke/i was only joking" or "i was just being honest" is what ah's say to justify their abusive and bullying behaviour. so in short it may have been intended as teasing it stopped being gentle teasing and became obnoxious bullying the minute you didn't like it. that is before we get into you are pregnant and shouldn't be being emotionally pushed anyway. you need to remember you are holding all the cards at the moment..you are carrying the baby. maybe hard lesson time. if you haven't yet left the group you could respond to the uncle (and family) on the group with something like this "i realise that you all think this is funny....it is not that i can't take a joke, i like a joke as much as the next persons...rule of thumb jokes stop being jokes when it's something mean that keeps getting repeated over and over....we also know that this was not a joke because it really hurt my feelings, jokes are supposed to be funny not hurtful....guess what i am not laughing i am crying. i was hurt to realise that you don't think of me as family but rather a walking incubator for a new member of your family. you have laid down the rules i will be following them. you and others have made my lack of position or welcome in your family very clear over and over and over again...please do no be offended or surprised when i treat you according to the dynamic you have laid down....what is good to give is good to take. i have sadly realised you don't like me (i thank you for all the times you pretended you did and i apologise for be so slow on the uptake) but there is no other logical way for me to interpret the constant references to be not being part of the family and conversations about how m's ex is...and your disregard for the upset this causes....i will endeavor to keep out of your lives and have as little contact as possible, at this point it would be best for me and my baby and clearly preferable for you. regards m's girlfriend" then leave the group and block all their numbers. let them come groveling back and if they don't at least you don't have to put up with being made to feel like you are not good enough in your own right anymore.

nta that sounds toxic af! your fiance should have put his foot down when this started. you mil sounds like the biggest ah, why is she attached to the ex? look out for yourself! go no contact or low contact with these people and also keep them from visiting your child. after all, they are not family, right?

nta they are acting like major assholes. its questionable if you can take a joke the first time you hear it. but when they know it hurts you...they are just bullying you...

BENIGN

hey everyone! so i'm indian-american and if your indian-american you know that parents/relatives love purchasing expensive houses to flex on others even if they can barely afford it same goes with luxury cars, luxury huge houses, expensive clothes, gold. so i'm 26m i work as an hr administrator and i make around $60k usd after-taxes which isn't much but i don't mind. i'm able to have basic necessities rent an nice apartment and have plenty money for my hobbies like gaming, woodworking, books. my parents in general think i'm an failure and i'm dumb and i'm not successful. long back they cut contact with me. all the words and ways they treated me starting affecting my mental-health extremely bad resulting in numerous mental-disorders which i take meds for but still isn't gone. so since we distanced i've been feeling much better. recently they wanted me to come over to their house because they wanted to talk something important and it can't be said over the phone. so i came over and they made lunch and treated me nicely and then my mom and dad started talking nicely and both of them apologized to me and said that they love me and all. they acted really friendly. i thought they actually changed for real. because it's been a few years since we came this close. then they cut to the chase and said "we want to buy an new house and it costs 500k". then they showed me the pictures of the house they want and it's a beautiful house it's five beds, 5000sqft, with a luxury gate and a huge land, pool. i say "nice house dad, but where will you get this type of money though? loan or something? you retired and you don't earn much as you used to and mom's an housewife so 500k might be out of your range right? then my dad said "oh no no. we aren't going for loans you pay us 250k and i will put in 250k then i can buy the house". immediately when my dad said "you pay us 250k". i got shocked and just got up quickly and told them "sorry dad i can't afford 250k at this moment i don't have the type of money, i don't want to buy a house with you". i quickly leave and before i closed the door my dad said "i thought you loved us? don't you want your old parents to live in a nice home? i brought you to america, and now your leaving your parents (mom starts fake crying) and my dad is telling me "wow your leaving your old parents you should be ashamed of yourself, i knew you were a failure, disgusting (cuss words). mom continues to make boo hoo noises and fake cries and she says her share of cuss words in hindi. i just closed the door and left. i have saved up a good amount of money around 100k usd from job, side hustles etc. but i don't plan on purchasing a home right yet because i'm not certain where i will be living permanently yet. plus with job layoff's and all. i don't want to have all these responsibilities yet especially in this time. aita?

aita for telling my parents "i don't want to buy a house with you"?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mb3w9n/aita_for_telling_my_parents_i_dont_want_to_buy_a/

2021-03-23 02:00:01

as an indian i totally understand and therefore nta

nta, i am asian and understand filial piety very well. i had a different (more positive) relationship with my parents and i would still never do this, also my parents would never ask as they know i need to live my own life. you are not your parents' retirement plan.

nta and you know it. it sounds like you cutting contact was the right thing back then and it sounds like the right thing now. the only reason they contacted you was for money. if your dad is able to put up $250,000, i’m certain that he can purchase a nice, but slightly smaller, property for him and your mother to spend their final years in. i might have misread this, but what exactly is the benefit to you if parting with a quarter million dollars? are you expected to live in this house? just expected to buy it for them and continue on your way with an empty bank account and eat dust for the next 25 years? your not the arsehole and it’s time to go no contact with your parents. for your own peace of mind and sanity. your mum and dad will be able to sort themselves out.

nta- if your parents cut contact with you because they thought you were a failure and only came back into your life because they want your $$$, they are selfish assholes. take care of yourself, and surround yourself with healthy people in your life

nta. you handled that perfectly.

nta that's crazy to buy a huge house as your retiring soon, and who needs that big of house

nta. fellow desi here. totally get it about them wanting to flex. your parents are nuts. it’s not just the house- it’s also the property taxes, insurance and upkeep (repairs and the pool costs, etc.). hold strong and don’t contribute to this house at all. it won’t end well.

nta. they distanced themselves from you when they didn’t need anything from you, but now they need money so they’re expecting you sweep it all under the rug and fall in line. you made the right choice.

nta. not like you asked to be born so you know....

nta even if they treated you well, it can be tricky buying a home with someone that is not your so. adding in the context of how they have not treated you well and negatively impacted your mental health, you definitely do not want to have something like a co-owned house with them that would make it hard to keep your distance from them as needed. on a side note, where are you that you can get a gated, 5k square foot house for $500k?!?! and why would two people ever need that much space? that is crazy.

BENIGN

5 years ago, i learned that my ex-wife of 7 years was in a relationship with a long time boyfriend a few years before we met. they had a son together, “todd” but she walked out of his life when he was 4. i only learned this because todd (who was 14 at the time) found her social media account and wanted to connect with her. she confessed what happened and that she just didn’t want to be a mom at the time so she left them. i was deeply shocked by this. we had a 6 year old son ourselves and i couldn’t fathom wanting to abandon a young child. obviously by the time we had our boy she was more than ready to be a mom and could have reached out to her son again but never did. i mean i didn’t even know of his existence. even with him wanting to see her after all these years, she still didn’t want to meet since “that chapter of her life was closed” and things would be too complicated. this led to a lot of fighting and eventually caused a huge rift between us; which ultimately led to divorce. my son is 11 now and is aware he has an older half brother out there. my son expressed interest in wanting to know his brother and so i managed to contact todd. my ex was completely against this and refused to be there when her son agreed to a meeting. i met him first obviously without my son around and got to know him. he’s a really great kid. 19 years old, college student, very kind and genuine. he was just interested in connecting with his moms side of the family. since our meeting, he and my son have hung out several times. my son has really taken a liking to him despite the age gap. guess it’s the excitement of having a big brother. he’s all my son talks about. a joke todd told him or retelling a conversation they had on facetime. my ex is furious because he talks a lot about todd when he’s with her and has told me to limit contact with him. says if my son would like to have a relationship with todd, he can do so when he’s older and can make that decision for himself. this has caused a lot of fighting between us which has also brought in our families. mostly my ex mil telling me i have no right and todd is none of my business since we’re not related, so i need to put a stop to it since its upsetting my ex. normally i wouldn’t care what she thinks but since then my parents also agree that as my ex wife’s son, he really has no business in my life especially when it’s bothering her so much. the thing is, my son loves spending time with him. they’ve really bonded and it seems cruel to break that up. but at the same time, everyone is acting like i’m the vile ex husband tormenting my ex wife for her past mistakes. some outsiders judgement on all this would really be nice here. aita?

aita for letting my son spend time with his older half sibling against ex wife’s wishes?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kdixlu/aita_for_letting_my_son_spend_time_with_his_older/

2020-12-15 09:54:18

as someone who has three half-siblings cut out of their life because of the selfishness of the other parent, i implore you to please not listen to your wife. your son and his brother should have contact, and should be able to grow up with one another as much as they can. i promise you, it will make all the difference when they get older. i beg you, do all in your power to keep their bond growing. i miss my siblings every day. i cry over losing them so often. the pain of knowing that you have siblings out there who want nothing to do with you because of the interference of an angry and jealous parent is overwhelming. op, i am so proud of you for giving your son this opportunity, and i hope you will continue to fight for it for your son's sake. it will be hard, but know he will be happier and have a better life for your efforts, and so will his brother. nta, in any way!

nta. your son has a right to know his brother. his brother wants that too. your ex wife is ta for not facilitating that for her two sons, and for walking out on todd in the first place.

nta if my maths add up, todd is now 19, correct? so he's an adult and wants to be a good friend and mentor to his younger brother. you or your ex have no right to stop that healthy fraternal relationship from forming. good on him for being kind to his younger bro, good on you for allowing this. shame on your ex and others for discouraging it. definetely nta

nta. it would be wrong of me to comment on your wife leaving todd because i'm not sure about her situation. but she is definitely ta for getting pissed on them for reconnecting. they sound like they have a great connection and imo you shouldn't stop them from bonding.

nta. she made the choice the to walk away and pretend that todd doesn't exist but that doesn't mean that your son can't have a relationship with his older brother. todd isn't a mistake that can be tossed to the side. he exists. i think your son will still try to look for his older brother even if she tried to stop it so there's nothing wrong with letting them meet. the greater the bond, the better. todd sounds like a great kid who thrived really well without her so good for him.

nta. she walked out of his life, not your son. you waited until he wasn't a minor and let the brother make the choice on his own. that's exactly what you should've done. he's an adult and if he chooses to have a relationship with your son, that's great! your son is also old enough to articulate that. she clearly just doesn't want to face abandoning her first son so many years ago, but it's a fact. it happened. now she has a younger son who is so happy to have a big brother, she needs to think about his happiness before her discomfort.

her "past mistakes"? do they really think that of her son? she didn't think he was a mistake for 4 years before she left. that's horrible :( nta

nta. your son has made a bond with todd and is old enough to make those decisions for himself. who gives a flying fuck if it bothers your ex.

at 11 years your son is old enough to make decisions about who comes into his life. it appears that he’s bonded quite well with his older brother so why break that? perhaps your ex can’t face her own demons. nta

nta - your ex gets no say in who you hang out with - and her ability to walk out on a 4yo and never look back tells us everything we need to know on who's the ah here. allow these boys to connect - they're still brothers no matter what their mother thinks. and i'm betting if the genders were reversed everyone saying that the ex-wife ~shouldn't be judged~ over what she did years ago would be completely flipping out if a guy had walked out on his kid and they'd also be hollering at you to conspire with the other ex to make sure that they got the back child support for todd that your ex skipped out on...

BENIGN

so(14f) i've been going to school in person since august. i'm a high school freshman and one of my classes is world history. yesterday, we started on the holocaust. before we started the unit, he explained to us that he is jewish, and his great-grandpa was a victim of the holocaust and that he might get a bit emotional while teaching. my teacher was explaining to us nazi standards, and he decided to use me as an example. i am a very pale, blue-eyed, blonde girl, but i have jewish ancestors (i am not jewish because i am atheist, but it is still my blood and my family that had to suffer.), which i guess he didn't know. he looked at me and said, "op, the nazis would've loved you. actually, i wouldn't be surprised if you had nazi blood in you.". i was fucking appalled. i knew this teacher didn't like me, but he crossed the line when he compared me to a fucking nazi. i'm not going to lie, i lost my shit. i got up and walked out the door and called my mom to pick me up. (no i am not supposed to just leave, but i did it anyway.) i told my mom what happened and she called the school and raised hell. she is friends with the principal and he insured her that he would either be reprimanded or released from his position. i think he's getting what he deserves. but my friend mia who actually really likes him called me an overdramatic bitch and that i just ruined someone's livelihood which made me feel really guilty. aita? (i forgot to mention the way he said it. he didn't say it like a teacher making a connection or something to explain better, he said it aggressively and was pretty snarky about it. which is one of the reasons i walked out. update i just got home from school (i only have 4 hours due to covid) and he wasn't there. the principal said that he would be on probation (? don't know what that means for a teacher) and that he had to apologize. he refused, and quit that day. i don't know why he quit, he just did. thanks for your kind words guys :) and a special thanks to anotheravailable18, who messaged me and said "overdramatic bitch, but you get it from your mama, nazi". i appreciate it. ​

aita for reporting my teacher for practically implying that i'm a n*zi?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jt8i6c/aita_for_reporting_my_teacher_for_practically/

2020-11-13 02:09:37

nta. so, here's the deal: parents complain *all the time*. about almost anything; it just happens. when you're dealing with about 500-1000 sets of parents, statistics almost guarantee there are a few shit-stirrers in the pot. *no* principal is going to fire someone just because a parent complained about them ***unless they did something fireable***. making a jewish student so uncomfortable she had to leave the room because he associated her with nazis? definitely something a principal is going to look into. and if he loses his job (unlikely, honestly, unless he has further strikes against him), it's not because of anything you did. it's because he made a bad choice and that bad choice has consequences.

nta. there's no such thing as "nazi blood." i don't think he actually "compared [you] to a fucking nazi," or implied that you were one, but what he did in singling you out because of your appearance was totally inappropriate, and no different to what the nazis did when they stereotyped the physical appearance of jewish people. >i have jewish ancestors (i am not jewish because i am atheist just a friendly heads-up, since jewishness is an ethnicity as well as a religion, you could say you're jewish but not religious. you could also use the term ["jewish atheist"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/jewish_atheism).

nta - it’s disgusting to say a nazi would have loved someone based on their appearance. nazis hate plenty of aryan appearing folks who are lgbtq+, handicapped, jewish, or allies. with the amount of nazis currently hell bent on resurrecting fascism and literally murdering people it’s extra fucked that the teacher did that.

nta. you one hundred percent did the right thing. words and actions have consequences. your teacher should have known better. your ‘friend’ mia is ignorant.

nta i had a teacher in his first year up at our school (we are super rural and he came from a very large city) decide to teach us about segregation by separating the class into "whites vs blacks", on my birthday of all days. he decided that the "whites" were gonna take control of the class for the rest of class, but he would step in if it got too bad. i was deemed "black" and by the end of class, the bouquet of flowers that had been delivered as a surprise to me during the class were smashed on the ground. i reported him. hard. as soon as that vase hit the ground, i got up and walked to the principal. i had already had a horrible history of being bullied and actual death threats against me during the previous school year. the school absolutely flipped out that he had decided this was an okay lesson to do. teachers pulling horrible actions deserve to be reported. that teacher probably should have been fired a long time ago.

nta. that's so messed up. also, the whole problem was categorizing people based on race/appearance.

nta. absolutely the teacher should be reported. their behavior was ridiculous. they also don't have a clue what they are talking out. nazi blood? nazism was not a genetic trait.

nta. your teacher called you and compared you to a group of people who committed genocide. that is not ok in any way at all.

nta mias not ur friend bro. she's prob just upset bc the teacher liked her and was hoping he would be nice to her while grading or whatever. u did the right thing. nobody should speak to anyone like that, especially a teacher to his young student

nta what your teacher said was appalling. even if you weren't jewish and actually did have 'nazi blood,' that's offensive. i guess i have 'nazi blood' from one of my great-grandfather's siblings who stayed in germany, but i don't really feel like it's got anything to do with me. 'be mindful of how you say things' is something every teacher should learn in their training.

BENIGN

my local walmart is pretty much always out of the diapers my son wears. apparently a lot of people buy the size 3 parent's choice. but hey, who can blame them, they're great quality and super affordable. anyways, i'm making my way down the diaper aisle and a woman is sorta loitering around. she sees me coming and shuffles out of the way. she's on her phone and asks someone to come help her get diapers down. as usual, they were out, and i was prepared to bite the bullet and get the stupid huggies. but wait! there was a straggler pack waayy in the back on the middle shelf (too high for most people to reach, including myself). without hesitation, i kinda squeezed in underneath and pushed it across the metal bars to the front with my phone. took a bit of wrangling, but i eventually got it. i was so friggin happy, i turned to leave the aisle, only to see the woman from earlier staring at me with disgust. with impeccable timing, the person she was presumably asking for help with on the phone earlier shows up to offer assistance. she tells him never mind and angrily stuffs a bag of huggies into her cart. i got out of there as fast as i could; i try to avoid confrontation like the plague. should i have given them up to her because technically she was there first? she could have just as easily gotten them with my method, but i guess she didn't think of it... aita?

aita for not forfeiting the diapers?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dhiwcu/aita_for_not_forfeiting_the_diapers/

2019-10-14 00:22:42

nta because she could have been a big girl and used her big girl words to let you know she was intending to get them and was only waiting for someone to come reach them for her.

nta. life is full of mini competitions; the last parking spot, the last dr appt for the day you need, the last special entree at the gourmet restaurant, the last airline seat and the last cheap box of diapers at wally world.

nta. the fact that she was pissed you got them first doesn’t entitle her to them.

nta no need for her passive aggressiveness, she could have politely asked and told you the scenario. you're not a mind reader.

nta. she didn't even say anything when it should have been apparent what you were doing. if all she does is storm off in a huff after you got them and not even bother trying to say something about her being there first then she really didn't need them.

yta if you knew she was trying to get those diapers. from your post it sounds like you didn't? i am not sure. nta if you didn't realize she wanted the same diapers, because you can't be expected to read her mind.

nta but why not just buy diapers online? then you’re never sacrificing quality over the fact that your store of choice is out.

nta. she could have been an adult and used her words. instead, she stayed silent while you ninja’ed your way to the diapers, then acted passive aggressive.

nta, ya done good.

nta. i was in tj maxx once standing in front of a shelf looking at a lamp. i was picking it up turning it around and at this store aisles are tiny so i'm literally an inch from the shelving unit so shoppers with carts can pass behind me easily (directly in front of this lamp). i pull my phone out and take a picture and about the time i hit capture a woman has sidled up to me, almost spooning me to reach around me and look at the lamp i'm clearly interacting with... now, this was a few years ago in my early twenties, i have a young face so i likely looked younger than i was, but out shopping, i tend to find middle-aged and older women are almost subconsciously trying to crowd me out of racks or shelves as if we are competing over important resources. anywho, i looked this woman straight in the face and said "i'm looking at that." her response. "oh." like she couldn't understand that my body blocking access to the item i'm looking at wasn't clue enough that i wasn't just standing there to inconvenience her. so all that said, nta because she never laid claim and couldn't use her big girl words to have a conversation with you. if you reached around to grab them while that woman was standing there then yeah a bit of an a-hole but if she walked away it's up for grabs imho.

BENIGN

this post requires a little bit of backstory so bear with me. go back in time 8 years ago and i’m a freshman in high school with a terrible bully, same grade. everyday i have to deal with his ridiculousness. he does your general bully things: i’m walking down the hallway and he’ll knock my books out of my hands, eating lunch and he’ll come up to me and steal my brownies, in the locker room after gym class he comes up to me and pushes me around, the works. probably the worst thing he ever did to me was when i was a sophomore. we ended up having an english class together with a “show and tell” the first week. everybody brings in an object, introduces themselves to the class and talks about their object. mine was a silver pocket watch my grandfather gave to me before he died two years earlier. after class, this kid comes up to me and asks to see it. i firmly say no and he pins me up against the wall and snatches it out of my hand. he looks at it mockingly, opens it and throws it on the ground cracking the glass covering the actual watch. the absolute jerk. fast forward to today. i’m an it manager with a small it team (5 desktop techs, 1 network and 1 server engineer) for a company quickly expanding. i get approval to start hiring two more desktop techs. i get a number of resumes and about 10 candidates stand out to me. one in particular catches my eye because it’s a name that i’m very familiar with. as i’m reading through this person’s education and work history, it becomes clear this is the same bully i had to deal with for four years of high school. i cant ignore the fact that he has a good resume and is essentially what i’m looking for in a desktop tech. not wanting to be biased i include him in the screening process for phone interviews because hey, this was 8 years ago and we’re both adults now. eventually we schedule him for an in-person interview. this is a panel interview that includes myself, one desktop tech and our network engineer. as soon as this guy walks into our little meeting room i recognize him despite not seeing him since graduating high school. i shake his hand and state my name and he looks at me for a second and says, “shallowsquire? you graduated from (school) right?” “yes” i reply. “i thought i recognized you! good to see you again!” i’m not really sure why but that immediately made me feel angry. during the interview all i could think of was the suffering he put me through in high school. the interview ends. admittedly he seems to be knowledgeable and my colleagues want to consider him for employment. i told them let’s finish interviewing the other candidates first before we decide. we’ve since interviewed everyone else and he’s still be considered for hiring. he’s got the knowledge and skills to perform his job well, but i really don’t want to hire him. i don’t feel like i have a personal vendetta against him, but i surely don’t want to work with this guy. wibta for not hiring this man for the sole reason he was my high school bully 8 years ago?

wibta for not hiring a former high school bully?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bzwg2k/wibta_for_not_hiring_a_former_high_school_bully/

2019-06-12 20:41:52

nta you spend a lot of time at the office. it should be a safe environment. hiring your former bully could mean that for you it potentially becomes a hostile or at least unpleasant environment to work in. that’s not worth it.

you would be nta here. in fact, it would be perfectly reasonable to say to them, "i don't want to hire him, and here's why." it's unfortunate that you didn't bring it up earlier, but it will be understandable since you were traumatized by him previously. ​ there is no rule or law that says that you cannot use personal experience or knowledge of people in your hiring criteria. he's a bastard, don't hire him, tell others why.

nta , fuck that guy

knowing someone has a history of being a bully is a perfectly valid reason not to work with the guy. nta.

nta. you don't have to hire him even if he is qualified.

nta - you’re one of this guys references and he clearly was an asshole.

that's how karma works, man. tell your colleagues about this dude. a person who has shown himself bad in the past may well bring toxicity to the team. i am sure that you are more important to them than this candidate and you will be supported. nta of course. for a lot of reasons he can be harmful to your business

nta. you're already an employee and he makes you uncomfortable and it will affect the way *you* work because clearly he thinks he didn't emotional traumatize you despite this being something from high school when he should have grown out of that crap by that age. you got mad because you never considered you would have to see this dude again and had shelved what he did to you unresolved. that's completely normal. you don't have to let go of something that actively upsets you still, don't feel bad about it. your team is small, you matter more than if you were in a huge company and could just avoid him, and in your position you will probably have to talk to him a lot. maybe he shouldn't have been a dick in school. good learning experience for him going forward.

nta, take revenge, just make sure he knows why

“when someone shows you who they are, believe them; *the first time*” nta it would actually be more of an asshole move to hire him, you’re being trusted with the task to hire somebody who will add to the cohesive environment at your workplace. hiring a potential bully is counterproductive to that end.

BENIGN

last friday one of my coworkers suggested we start a dnd campaign. i agreed and offered to dm as i want more experience dming, and the group is relatively small. since friday we have created a discord and dndbeyond campaign. i purchased the highest teir subscription so that they could use the content i have purchased on dndbeyond to supplement their characters, since none of them have used it before. everyone has their characters built and we are planning our first session for this saturday. one of the guys has mentioned he wasn't to play a "cantankerous dwarf" and i told him it was fine for his character to be grumpy. today at lunch he mentioned something about how he had to be careful when saying racist things as his character. i took that opportunity to let him know that i don't allow real world issues into my dnd games. racism, bigotry, xenophobia, all of those things are a big enough problem irl and i don't think as a group of 4 white people from the south it's our place to have a commentary on it. he got extremely upset and insisted that fantasy racism has nothing to do with with real life and that he should be allowed to hate other characters because of their race. i tried to talk with him but he got frustrated and walked away. i don't know if i was being to strict, but another member of the campaign, we all sit together at lunch, thanked me for saying the things they didn't feel brave enough to. i know that most fantasy media portrays orcs as bad guys, or elves hating dwarves, but i dont want to label an entire group of people based on preexisting stereotypes. so am i the asshole?

aita for telling a coworker that my dnd campaign isn't the place for him to be racist.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uild4c/aita_for_telling_a_coworker_that_my_dnd_campaign/

2022-05-05 00:57:53

nta- your coworker is way too excited to find someone to hate for no reason. big cringe. much sus. you do not need to cater to that. and the fact that he casually floated 'gotta be careful with how awful i am' as a means of checking on whether or not you're okay with him being openly horrible is him testing the waters on how much you agree with him choosing to be horrible randomly to one or multiple of you in the group. he told you, flat out, he intended to target and make someone in your game miserable on purpose. ew.

nta. first of all, you're dm, your rules. second, your co-worker sounds like an idiot. you sure you want him in the game?

nta. and the fact your coworkers **thanked you** for being real-world brave says enough about that particular character's real self.

nta. what is so wrong with someone that they desperately want to be, “fantasy racist?!” 🧐😓 sounds like a self report to me bruv

nta this is an ongoing issue with dnd that people have varying opinions on. i myself don't mind the old tolkien style elves + dwarves having issues. and if he's playing a duergar it makes sense given their history that there might be antagonism built into their backstory, if you follow official canon. ​ however as the dm it's perfectly within your purview to define expectations for character interactions, and the backstory of your world. i myself as a dm try to avoid going too heavy on that stuff... but that's mostly because my players are bonkers and don't need the guiding hand

looks like you found a racist. nta

nta may i reccomend that if he does it in character, to have the entire tavern/place react as if he's just loudly said a slur, no matter how mild i'm talking reactions to the level of kicking him out of the tavern, and small town conversation blacklisting him from the rest of the businesses (small town because i know most campaigns dont start in a big city). if he wants to be racist in a fantasy world without racism, he can enjoy the consequences, welcome to dnd motherfucker

why does he want to hate other characters because of their race so badly?? nta, if you don't allow this kind of issue in your games that's absolutely your right.

ok this is a legitimate trope in fantasy that's used as a narrative tool to mirror real life. so in that sense it's absolutely wrong to censor racism in fiction as fiction has a long historical precedent of examining immorality in humanity. that being said, it's a bizarre thing to focus on in character creation or specifically call out. sounds like he want to use fiction to carry out racist fantasy, not as a tool of examination or analysis. nta

nta. usually when people are excited to have a chance to openly “pretend” to be racist, they’re actually racist.

BENIGN

i found out monday that my drug-addicted brother (35m) stole my visa info and used my pin number to set up apple pay and funnel about $350 out of my account for drugs. i likely won't be able to get the money reimbursed through the bank's fraud department because my pin was used. after getting confirmation that my brother was the one responsible, i returned the christmas presents i bought him on amazon. when we open presents on christmas day, he'll get nothing from me while everyone else gets presents from me. we're also not speaking obviously, which is just awesome right before the holidays. i would call the police and report him if i wasn't worried about the impact it would have on his kids and his wife (that he's currently separated from for drug-related issues). i'm also concerned that once he goes to jail, that'll be it. he'll be in the system and his chances of ever turning his life around will be ruined. and i'm worried that if i turn him in, it'll be the coffin nail in our relationship. and my parents pretty much reimbursed me for the money immediately to convince me not to go to the police. which is not the point obviously - i could afford the financial hit (barely). it's the emotional blow that is really crushing. aita for refusing to buy him any christmas gifts even though gift-giving is a huge tradition in our family and it will be very conspicuous that he's not getting anything? i know it's the practical thing to do and i don't owe him a damned thing, but denying someone christmas to make a point when they're basically homeless makes me feel like a dick even though this fucker just stole from me. i feel like i'm probably nta, but at the same time, i feel like an asshole. both for thinking that maybe he was getting better this time and also that he would never dare to steal from me. but also for deliberately humiliating him during what is supposed to be a season of generosity and compassion. aita? **

aita (35f) for returning my brother's (34m) christmas gifts after he stole my debit card information for drug money?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k5dt0v/aita_35f_for_returning_my_brothers_34m_christmas/

2020-12-02 17:30:34

nta. but you seem like someone who has a lot of empathy, so don’t take the word of internet strangers on this one. go with your gut.

nta. he stole from you. your family has to stop protecting him from consequences unless that protection comes with a guarantee that he goes to an inpatient rehab facility. you’re not doing him any favors in the long-run. he’s already lost his family, if that’s not a wake-up call, what is?

nta. op, i'm a recovering addict. i can tell you firsthand, the number one way you do not help an addict is by giving them a soft place to land, and sheltering them from the consequences of their actions. you should report him, and he should go to jail, rehab, or both. protecting him from trouble is only enabling him.

nta. if he's stealing from you and is separated from his wife for the same reasons, his addiction is powerful, and he's not getting help. consider that \*not\* reporting him to the police will simply prolong his downward spiral. he will not get better if he doesn't suffer consequences. and at this point in his addiction (am not an expert), he may already be past the point of light consequences. i'd go to other subreddits that have more knowledge and expertise on these subjects.

nta. stop wasting your time feeling guilty about a person, that doesn't give a hoot about you. he wouldn't hesitate to not get you a gift, unless he could use your debit card for the payment. people like your brother will continue to use people as long as he is enabled. if he even bothers to show up for christmas, one less gift is the least of his concerns, considering he is an addict. you know that any gift that you give him will be immediately traded for drugs. and i hope your sil keeps him away from the gifts that she and their children receive.

nta. call your bank for fraud. you dont need to tell the police it was him. just the bank that someone stole your card details. they’ get your money back and new cards.

nta. he stole from you and what he did was actually a crime. i’m happy ur parents gave the money back but they shouldn’t be covering for him. your brother is tah he should go to jail sorry to say it and if he’s doing illegal drugs then call the police by being a anonymous tip about it this way they don’t know it’s you.

nta. give him a police report that says not filed and tell him his present is you not having him arrested for theft! don’t ever feel like you owe someone that has stolen from you anything. he’ll do it again if he has the chance.

lol. nta. hes lucky that is all you are doing to punish him. you could have gone to the cops. no gifts is light. if anyone has anything to say about it then they can go f themselves. you are way nicer than i would be. i hope you have changed all your pins and passwords on everything.

nta - what a terrible situation your brother has created! i can sense from your post you have given this much thought and it is stressful. addiction in someone you love is such a hard thing to manage so as to be loving and supportive without enabling. you 100% would not be an asshole for not getting him a gift. he stole from you - that $350 was his gift unless he has apologized and paid you (your parents) back. alternatively, it seems this is causing you great distress and if it would help you feel better you could always get him something inexpensive (even something home made) as a gesture of love because it sounds as though you love and care about your brother but are understandably upset about the situation. getting him a gift is completely your choice and i would do it for you not for him (if you chose to do it at all).

BENIGN

my friend [f34] and i [f26] and her two kids took a trip to disneyworld. everything’s been fine up until we went to get food at the hotel. i told her i wasn’t hungry and would be up shortly to meet up with them. i go up to where they are eating as they finish their meal. my friend asks where the restroom is, and goes off to find it. her son takes off and follows her, and they walk together to the restrooms. her daughter finishes up, and we assume they will meet us at the monorail. we pass her son in security but i wrongly assumed he was with his mother because maybe something she was wearing went off on the metal detector or something. i realized this was shortsighted on my part, and i later apologized to her, but it was not out of maliciousness as she has been accusing me of. when i get upstairs, i call her to ask where she is and what’s going on, and i get the nastiest call from her. she blamed myself and her 14-year-old daughter for her son running off, even though she never explicitly asked either of us to watch him. she said i abandoned her son and berated me. i was confused at first, not sure what happened or why it did, but i apologized multiple times. it wasn’t enough for her i guess. she told me that i don’t care about families or kids and that i’m a selfish twenty-something that only cares about “buying makeup and looking for dick”. i honestly tried to talk it out with her but i just kept getting nasty texts so i took a one way flight out of disney and told her peace out. am i the asshole?

aita for not watching my friend’s kid?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/juk5wj/aita_for_not_watching_my_friends_kid/

2020-11-15 10:55:01

nta. your friend, while understandably rattled, is being shitty.

> she said i abandoned her son uh, hello? is that not what *she* did? where was she during all of this? at what point did that little boy come out of *your* body? what an exhausting human, don't let her yell at you until you feel bad. she's misdirecting her anger at you when that was entirely her responsibility and her fault. nta

nta. huge misunderstanding but in the end she’s responsible for her own children. you said that she and her son walked together to the restrooms, so i assume that you know she for sure had him under her watch at this point? that would definitely sound like a transfer of the kid from you to her, and you did take her daughter with you, so yeah i do not see how you acted selfishly in any way. you did take care of her kids- obviously the daughter, and the son as well because you watched him go from the table to her. had he been at the table still it sounds like you would’ve taken him with you. nothing more you could’ve done. that’s on her for sure.

nta. either she's rattled and trying to shift blame since she didn't ask. or she's gaslighting you into making you think it was your responsibility to begin with. either way she should apologize.

nta... who just walks away from their kids without confirming who is in charge? ...especially at a huge tourist trap with tons of distractions etc.it takes like 5 seconds to prevent half day of drama. she's a bad mom.

she had a lapse as a parent and wants to blame you. you are certainly nta.

nta, yeesh do the claws come out from every little misunderstanding? maybe reconsider how much time you spend with her until she can cool her jets.

nta - this sounds like an honest accident. she is going into a-hole territory for saying all that to you, though. stuff happens, and it didn't end up bad, but what she said is going to stick with you i am sure. for better or worse it will affect your relationship, so i would take a step back and go low contact for a bit, see how she reacts and how you feel moving forwards.

nta it wasnt done maliciously now, you would assume that if someone is going to the bathroom,you keep the kids there until they are back. but, you thought the son was following her and will meet up with her

nta. her son followed her. also, she insults you on such a personal level? she's ta, if she doesn't apologize to you i would start to back away from the friendship imo.

TOXIC

howdy, reddit. my girlfriend “anne” (25f) and i (25m) adopted her nieces “ava” and “eve” (7f & 7f) six months ago, but they’ve been living with us for over three years after a very neglectful environment with their bio-mother/anne’s sister (30f) and her boyfriend. they’re two very sweet, very kind and very intelligent girls and we couldn’t be more proud. currently, i am a grad student and anne’s an intern for a company so we both work part time. to help us out, anne’s mother “kim” (55f) has been ever so kind and collected them from school three days a week with anne’s sister “ivy”’s (33f) son “jon” (10m). both ava and jon participate in the school’s football/soccer club, so for two of those days this involves picking eve up and then coming back later for the others. ivy and jon have been very helpful and supportive throughout this process; ivy and her ex-fiance offered parenting tips when we first took the girls in and jon helped show them around the school. however, jon’s parents have recently called off the engagement and he’s now lashing out against practically everyone. there have been several days now where ava has come home crying as jon has told people that we’re not her ‘real’ parents and that her ‘real’ parents didn’t want her. at one point the coach told kim about this and how serious he thought it was. anne has reached out to ivy on multiple occasions to request she speak to jon about this, but she will not do so. he continued to do this and ivy became ‘bothered’ we complained so much as she’s ‘struggling’ with her break-up. unfortunately, this was not nipped in the bud quick enough and now there are multiple students between the ages of 7-11 who like to remind my girls that they are adopted and the school claims that there is only so much that they can do, which i suppose is reasonable. this is what drove me and anne to the decision that we’d have to move them to another school. kim is very vocal against this as she is not willing to drive further than she is to collect them, which i also understand is reasonable enough. my mother (65f) is a foster parent to two kids (10m & 6f) so anne and i thought it could be ideal to relocate the girls to the same school that my foster siblings attend so that my mother could pick them up instead, which she agreed to. anne’s parents are insulted by this as they feel we are robbing them of their relationship with their granddaughters and also pointed out that my mother’s a single parent, so ava couldn’t attend any after school clubs as there’d be no-one in the house to watch the other kids when my mother picks her up and that she’d resent this change. we are looking into possible weekend clubs for her and believe that our girls have gotten to the point where they feel they have no friends at school and are miserable there, but ivy thinks we’re making too big a deal out of this and making jon look like a bully, when he isn’t. aita? are we ruining their relationships with their grandparents?

aita for changing daughters' school even if they'd see their grandparents less?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mqzmx3/aita_for_changing_daughters_school_even_if_theyd/

2021-04-14 20:46:00

nta - you’re doing what you think is best for the girls, screw what everybody else thinks.

nta. i'm assuming the girls want the change - you are right to do it now before the bullying (and it is) gets further out of hand. you also aren't robbing them of time with grandparents- they are exchanging time with one grandparent for time with another, hopefully developing strong relationships with both.

nta tldr: op & gf adopted gfs sisters (sis1) children (dd1 & dd2). bio grandma has been helping by picking up after school along with other grandchild. gf’s other sister (sis2) the mother of that grandson. sis2 and her so broke up and grandson is taking his rage out on dd1 & dd2. you want to move schools as the bullying and harassment has gotten worse and all anyone seems to care about is how they feel, rather than how dd1 & dd2 feel and what is best for them. jon is a bully and his targets are your two daughters. sis2 needs to step the fuck up and get her son some help. he didn’t learn to abuse girls all in his own, that shit gets taught at home. bet sis2 was the verbal punching bag of her now ex this is the hard part of parenting, where we put ourselves in the line of fire to protect our kids and do what is best for them. make the move and brace yourself for kim, who does not have a great track record in raising her girls, to start throwing around a threat of gpr.

nta. forgive, there is going to be a lot of cussing. john is a bully, and the school has let it go far enough that loads of other kids have picked up on the same behavior, and somehow, no adult in this bad fucking excuse for an educational institution has the stones to say anything to a child like, i dunno, "i'm going to need you to sit out of practice and think about appropriate ways to interact with your fellow students." of course you are pulling your children from this nightmare. it is very fortunate that your mom can help you out, and is probably well-equipped to counter any bullshit of the kind your daughters have already heard. perhaps there is even an after school program available (boys & girls clubs? ymca?) where your children can participate in extracurriculars. you are not ruining your children's relationships with their grandparents. your children's grandma appears to be part of the crowd that just can't keep john from running his mouth in cruel ways, and if that makes it hard for her to be close to ava and eve, that is a harm she did herself. frankly, someone should be sitting down with john to discuss his behavior and his feelings about his parents' split - his behavior is terrible in a way that is common to children suffering from family changes, but that does not make it in any way acceptable, nor would it be acceptable for you to leave ava and eve to suffer through it.

nta. you have to look out for your two kids and that’s all. they’ve expressed their unhappy with their current situation so that should really be the only factor in this case. if their grandmother wants to see them she can visit them at home or take them to clubs on the weekends.

nta. jon is a bully! hes lashing out at children bc his relationship didnt work out. protect those girls

nta. seriously, do what’s right by the girls and don’t look back. they’ll get more time with the other grandparent and if your gf’s mother wants to be in their lives, she will make the effort to do so.

nta. do what's best for your girls.

nta. this story has too many character, but yeah, your kids are getting bullied and it’s because of jon, who is acting out because of his parents. you are fully within your rights to want to move your kids away from all this. if your in-laws don’t want this to happen then they should punish jon and take on the responsibility of comforting your daughters when they’re bullied and reminding them how loved they are.

nta. they're your kids. your. kids. adoptive parents = parents, full stop. you're a mama bear. well done.

BENIGN

i (28f) have recently been helping my parents do some extra work because my regular job has become more flexible since it's mostly online. they own a couple of apartments in a college town. the end of may/beginning of june is an incredibly busy turnover season; this year is crazier than normal because all of the apartments are turning over when it's usually 1-2, not to mention the extra sanitation needed because of the current health crisis, hence why i'm helping them. \*extra thing because it will be important: my family and i are north african. looks-wise, i take after my mother, who has dark skin, 3c hair, and typically african features. my dad has pretty light skin and straight hair and uses a nickname that sometimes makes people incorrectly assume he's southern european (think like his name is salhi but he goes by sal). today, i was working on one house and realized i needed a few cleaning supplies that were in my dad's truck, which was parked in front of the other house 3 blocks away. no problem, i walked over, opened his truck that he kept unlocked for this very reason, and grabbed what i needed. a woman in her 50s or 60s stopped me and demanded to know what i was doing. me: oh, i'm cleaning some of the student apartments that are getting new tenants and needed some supplies. her: how did you get into that truck? why are you taking the supplies *away* from that house? i know that truck, and it belongs to the guy who owns the house right in front of it. i know everyone in this neighborhood, you don't live here. me: yes, its my dad's truck and i'm bringing them to another house he owns a few blocks away. go ask him, he's inside painting. her: the italian guy? there's no way you're his and i'm not going to bother him with this bs, show me some id so i know your name and how to find you if you run away before i get the cops here. i know you people can run fast when you need to. me: i am absolutely not giving you any personal information of mine. i am very busy and need to be on my way. it is not my problem that you need to single out the only black person on this street because i'm carrying half-empty cleaning supplies that you assume i've stolen. there are three moving vans on this block alone yet you're not questioning anyone carrying things out of them. i told you to confirm with the man inside that i'm his daughter, but you can't see beyond your own racism to want to actually solve this. we went back and forth for a little while longer, and finally my dad came outside to get something from the porch and defused the situation by confirming i was his daughter. i vented to a group text about what happened afterwards and a not very close friend replied saying i was way overreacting by calling what had happened racism (and being rude for calling the woman racist to her face). she said i should have just shown her id so she'd trust me and waited to explain to the police what had happened.

aita for calling a woman racist because she accused me of stealing?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gtkx38/aita_for_calling_a_woman_racist_because_she/

2020-05-30 20:13:28

nta. she was clearly racist. your gut told you that and she proved it by saying “you people” followed by a stereotype.

nta. that woman *was* racist and your close friend is incredibly ignorant. this isn’t apartheid-era south africa, you shouldn’t have to show your id to some stranger to preserve your life.

nta that was racist af. good for you for calling her out. guess we can now add "cleaning while black" to the list, along with "driving while black," "bird-watching while black," etc...

nta that lady showed she was racist the moment she said “you people”.

nta "you people"? accusing you of stealing and thus racially stereotyping you? she hella racist. not only was she racist, but she failed to mind her own damn business. her neigor's business isn't suddenly hers just because you look different. and your friend is an ah too. calling racism racism isn't overreacting nor rude, it's just racism being called out exactly for what it is, nor does your friend understand how trust with a racist works, they never trust those they are racist against. you should never have to show your personal information to a racist stranger just to prove that you are you. does she not understand that different races have sex with each other and have kids that don't look exactly like their parents?

nta. its not your job to make random white ppl trust you, when they only distrust you in the first place by you're black. that friend was wrong. its nobody's responsibility to make their oppressors more comfortable around them.

nta, and that is definitely racism. aside from what others have said... if it were purely based on "making sure stranger is legit" caution, she'd have asked everyone, not just the one black person, and talking to your dad -- really only appropriate if you were a kid -- should have been acceptable as proof. skin color, shmin color: genetics is weird af, plus adoption is a thing. (is your "friend" white? even if the encounter weren't racist, "wait nicely for police" seems like shitty advice to give black people right now...)

nta some people don’t get that minorities and at risk groups often don’t need someone to say “i’m doing this because you are x” to get that they are being discriminated against. i was confiding in my friend who was an elderly gay man about an upsetting encounter with racist neighbor in my building and all i had to say was “you know that look on their face?” and he immediately knew what i was talking about. i can’t properly explain what it looks like, but we know what it is when we see it and that sick feeling you get when someone directs it at you.

nta you owed that woman nothing in the way of an explanation

your "friend" is an idiot. you should not have to show your id to a racist rando. nta 200% so sorry you had to put up with that bs.

TOXIC

first things first, i’m broke. anyway, earlier today, i got a text from my friend asking me to come with her to the store to buy some christmas gifts for her family. both of us don’t have a car so we had to uber there and back. the cost going was $32, coming back was $36, so $68 in total. after we got back to her place, she sent me an apple pay request charge of $34. i was confused as to why because she’s the one that asked me to come with her. i thought since we didn’t plan on going together and because i didn’t want to go in the first place, i didn’t have to pay for the ride. i mentioned to her, “why did you send the request?” she said “well, we both took the same uber to go there and come back, so…”. i was a bit upset but i sent her the money anyway. later during the night, i told her i was going to order food (my dad made me use his card). i asked her if she wanted anything, but i had asked in a way to make it seems as if i was going to pay, just like, “hey, i’m gonna order food, want anything?”. she said yes. my order was $34.27 and hers was $47.56. with delivery fee and tip, it came up to $92.83 total. after the food came, she looked over and said “thanks so much”. i waited until we were both done eating and sent her an apple pay request for $53 (that includes her meal, half of delivery fee, and half tip). she got very upset with me and told me i was a b-word, she was going on and on about how she thought i was going to pay. i don’t know, am i the asshole here?

aita for making my friend pay for her own ubereats

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zbb5ld/aita_for_making_my_friend_pay_for_her_own_ubereats/

2022-12-03 08:00:54

lmao you are the hero i didn't know i needed. this ought to be on r/pettyrevenge not r/amitheasshole nta for sure. she sure didn't like the taste of her medicine, did she? that being said, i doubt this will get better. i'd avoid engaging in any transaction based activities with her unless clearly establishing financial responsibility for said transactions beforehand.

nta. she clearly doesn't like the taste of her own medicine.

it's called a taste of her own medicine nta

nta it was her meal. you pay for your meal. especially when you meal costs 50$

nta. she's just got what she deserves. hopefully she realizes her mistake and changes.

geez with prices like that i don't see how people afford these ride share companies or food delivery services. i own a car so i've never taken an uber but how many miles would you even have to go to get a cost like that? same with food...$90 or so for 2 people? maybe i'm just poor and cheap but wow. nta btw

esh - lol but you know it. good work! it does sound like she used you to get have her transportation paid for. but you knew you were going to trick her. in the future, especially since money is tight - talk about the finances with anybody you are making similar plans with. if its transportation/ food/ movies/ activities etc. it will be better for all your friendships in the long run

nta, your friend asked you to pay your part of the uber drive that you didnt really wanna go but refuse to pay for her part of ubereats don’t ever lend money to her lol

not at all. nta

nta. splitting the bill for both drive and eats seems like a normal thing. i don't get the first complaint, though, even if you went to the store just to accompany her. maybe i'm used to always splitting a taxi fee with whoever i go.

TOXIC

i own a butcher shop and had a deer brought to me last year in very poor condition (had been left outside for days). i told the customers it wouldn’t be a good idea to do as very little of it would be salvageable. they insisted i do it and salvage what i could. i had them leave a 25% deposit as well as sign my contract saying the deposit is non refundable to cover my supplies and labour. when i butchered the deer, very little of it was good enough to use (there was about as much as their deposit covered) so i packaged what i could and called them and told them such. they were disappointed but seemed understanding, but then i never heard back from them to pick up their product after three months so i donated it to an animal rescue. in my contract it states the product will be considered abandoned after 90 days. in may (about five months after it was done), the woman calls me and asks if she can pick it up, that they hadn’t been able to call earlier since the husband had been sick. i told them it was donated because it costs me money to store it, but i felt for their story so i would be happy to give them their deposits-worth in other products or put it towards something else (which i have no obligation to offer i was just feeling generous). she said she would get back to me the next week and i never heard from her again. last night, i get sent a facebook post of them bashing me, saying i purposely ruined their deer and stole the deposit and wouldn’t return any of their calls, changed my number etc. i replied saying i actually lost money by doing the deer for them, a screenshot of the email i sent back in may saying i would be happy to give them their deposits worth in products or put towards other services that i never got a reply about, a picture of the condition of the deer when it was brought to me and that my number and email has been the same for the last five years. they instantly deleted the post then the son called me asking if he could come pick up the deposit or an equal value of products. i told him to pound sand and that my offer no longer stood. aita for not giving them anything? on one hand i should have known better than to take it in, but on the other i made them very aware of the risks of the situation and that the deposit is non refundable.

aita if i don’t return a customer’s deposit after they bashed my business?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eepyw5/aita_if_i_dont_return_a_customers_deposit_after/

2019-12-23 20:22:13

nta. they are not entitled to receiving anything.

nta - i don't understand the mentality of some people, but you don't owe them anything. you put out an offer *you didn't have to* under good faith and sympathy for their situation and they spoiled it by writing fake claims about your business. it's not ok to slander someone and then expect them to honor their agreement after they prove you wrong.

nta fuck them good on you for being such a stand up guy to give those options to people. butchering deer is a lot of work, storing it for people, all of it costs and to go ahead and bad mouth someone who tries to do right by you, yeah fuck them.

nta sounds like they picked up road kill & brought it to you. tell those hillbillies to duck off.

nta. they sound insufferable. i would also never do business with them again but you probably already decided that.

nta. these people are horrible assholes. i’m sorry for the sick father but that doesn’t mean they get to act like trash.

nta they sound awful. and that poor deer. what a waste.

nta - but this is bordering on a validation post; not sure how anyone could call you the asshole here.

easiest nta i’ve seen thus far.

you tried to be nice and they shit in your cereal. why would you want to do business with these people anymore? you’re saving yourself from another potential problem with these idiots. nta

TOXIC

tldr: group chat has an autistic dude who i think is a dick. i created another chat without him. the long of it is that we have a (mostly) online community around a common passion (arts and crafts), i met kindred spirits there, as well as my husband. it is something that all of us regular users always keep open in a tab somewhere, and there is always a stream of conversation going, even on slow days. it is very pleasant except for a dude named zak. zak is the younger brother (but not a teen, he's 22 or 23) of one user, todd, who is super protective of him, and who's a mod. zak often throws tantrums and acts very rudely, and we just have to wait out until his temper calms down to resume pleasant hanging out with friends. zak is on the spectrum, and todd always defends him. "he is autistic, *he doesn't understand!*" he says. well, zak understands *enough* to be purposefully unpleasant - ie he's mad at someone and names *every active user present except the one's he's angry at*: "hello gina, dory, maeva and todd. there is nobody else here worth mentioning." a few weeks ago, zak was streaming himself playing video games and *tantrumed* until everyone joined his livestream. we were still chatting between ourselves until zak demanded that we *prove* that we were paying attention to his game. he started quizzing one friend, liz, about what was happening in his video game. she couldn't answer, i defended her, and zak started screaming irl in the stream about how we are not good friends if we don't pay attention to him. we left, and i later asked an apology. zak sent me a gif of a middle finger. i made a stink, saying that his behavior is horrible, and todd banned me & liz. so we made a group chat with just us, we invited our close friends, and we were happy in a bubble away from zak and todd's enabling bs. then more and more members of todd's server trickled into ours through friends inviting friends who invite friends. and now apparently todd's server is a ghost town and zak is totally in the dumps. i didn't *intend* to do that, but i'd do it again. todd contacted me in private and he's irate, he thinks i am bullying zak on purpose. i told him that being autistic doesn't excuse acting like a dickhead on purpose & that autistic people aren't all assholes. now he doesn't want to talk to me ever again and he told several mutual friends that they shouldn't hang out with me either because i'm ableist. am i the ah here?

aita for creating a second group chat excluding a dude & his autistic brother?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k46bx2/aita_for_creating_a_second_group_chat_excluding_a/

2020-11-30 21:58:12

nta. the brother enabled the behavior by not correcting him. i get it, he is autistic. he also sounds like he is functional and his family enables his behavior in an unhealthy manner.

nta. i can see why his protective brother feels he's being bullied. it is really, really sad. but they both need to understand the consequences of treating people badly. friendship is optional, nobody owes it to you and if you abuse it, even through a lack of understanding or self control, you're going to lose friends. maybe he'll take more time to try to help his brother's social development now, to avoid this happening again.

autistic =/= dickhead. or licence to be one. the asd part is basically irrelevant here. you haven't excluded him because he is autistic, you've excluded him because he is making your online community a nightmare and his brother is enabling and excusing it. nta.

nta. ask todd the mod if that behavior would be acceptable from anyone that was not his brother.

nta. letting people with disabilities get away with inappropriate behaviour isn’t helping them. does zak wear a sign in public announcing his autism? no. he just has to behave. you did the right thing when you asked him to apologize. that was you teaching him how you want to be treated. he chose to double down on the assholery. actions have consequences.

take it from an autistic person, you are not the asshole here. autism is not an excuse to be a dick, and we most certainly are not all assholes. the fact that todd is basically babying his grown ass brother is probably a big ass reason why he acts the way he does, but that’s a story for another day. the point is, he’s enabling his brother, and that has led to his server’s decline. ironically enough i’ve been in a similar situation where i had pretty much enabled a fellow autistic person i once knew because i thought i was helping her, but in reality she took advantage of that and started using “but i’m autistic so it’s okay” as an excuse to be a total bitch. she’s out of my life now, and that was long winded, but nonetheless, you’re not an asshole. you have no obligation to babysit your friend’s adult brother who’s being a total dickhead.

nta. even if he truly couldn’t help being a dick (which i doubt), that doesn’t mean he’s owed friendship. other people are not obligated to put up with bad behavior just because the person behaving badly is autistic. and it’s not like you advertised your group chat using language like “come here to get away from that autistic freak”, which would make you an ah. people chose to join on their own because todd wouldn’t step on zak’s behavior. you are under no obligation to stop people from joining just because zak is sad, nor are you obligated to add him.

here's an example. my significant other's brother is autistic. let's call him oliver. oliver is nice enough. he's smart but the issue comes in the form of verbal communication (he is often a lot more coherent over text). oliver is 16m, and loves things like minecraft/memes. because he's online quite a bit, he catches onto these things but also sometimes he latches onto racist or inappropriate things from the internet. all of my so's family are libs/rad-libs and we don't **\*enable\*** that behavior. he also does stuff like sniff people. he sniffed me and i was pretty clear with him that i am not okay with that but it's not like i hold anything against him. we correct the behavior kindly and do everything we can to make sure he's able to live a happy life. if this guy is so unwilling to correct his brother that they're losing friends-- then that speaks to an unhealthy dynamic between the two. nta.

nta, this isn't about him being autistic, it's about him being a dick. his brother is severely hindering him by letting him act this way

nta they kicked you out.

BENIGN

my sister and i both had babies recently. my son was born in march and her daughter was born in april. i formula feed my son. she breastfeeds. she's not thrilled that i chose to formula feed instead of breastfeed. she's got three kids and has always talked about how everyone should breastfeed unless they absolutely can't and has even said we need to bring back wet nursing and accepting that as the best for babies. she has breastfed other babies before. and has remarked that it's so much easier even if they are normally formula fed, to just pop them on her breast with her own child. i'm staying home for now but due to a complicated delivery and ppd and ppa i have been going to regular medical appointments. my mil has been babysitting while i go. my sister has offered to watch my son and i always say thanks, but it's taken care of. my last appointment mil was unable to babysit, my sister offered again, but we hired a babysitter for the couple of hours we needed. my sister confronted me over passing up free babysitting with her to pay. asked why i would turn her down over and over. so i told her the truth; i don't trust her to follow my wishes enough to babysit. that if my son was hungry she'd just pop him on her boob like she talks about doing with other babies and toddlers she has babysat. i told her i know she doesn't get express permission whenever she does it and that makes me feel like she'd take the "simple" method without caring how i feel. she told me it was a ridiculous reason and said i was anti-breastfeeding. she also told me to not trust her because she would feed my baby in the best way was "so wrong" and shows the kind of sister and mother i am. aita?

aita for telling my sister i don't trust her to babysit my son?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uu2ziv/aita_for_telling_my_sister_i_dont_trust_her_to/

2022-05-20 17:26:58

nta i would tell her it has nothing to do with breastfeeding. being a good mom means never leaving your children with someone who you can't trust to follow your caregiving instructions. since you can't trust her to respect your wishes, she's a poor fit. period.

nta and breast feeding other people’s kids is incredibly weird.

nta at no point here does she say "that's ridiculous, i would feed your baby how **you** want him fed" you're absolutely right not to trust here here. regardless of anyone's thoughts on how to feed an infant, both breast and formula feeding are viable options and you as his mother have every right to choose where she has none.

nta. first of all fed is best, your sister doesn’t know what she’s talking about. parents really need to stop shaming other parents just because they’ve chosen differently. however that’s irrelevant here. she’s repeatedly told you that she would go against your wishes if she looked after your child. the logical response to that is to take her at her word and not let her look after them.

nta - yikes! from what you described, she basically said she would not follow your wishes.

nta. i notice that she never allayed your fears that she wouldn’t go against your wishes. honestly, considering that she has talked about doing what you don’t want her to do quite openly, i think you have plenty of reason not to trust her to follow your wishes. i also get the feeling (and it’s just a feeling) that the reason she keeps pushing this is because disobeying you is exactly what she wanted to do in order to make a point to you and was so mad because you caught her.

nta fed is best i always say, doesn't matter if it's from da tiddy or da bottle

nta she flat out told you she was going to breastfeed your baby even when you said not to. make sure when your mother babysits that she never leaves your baby alone with your sister. you should let other mothers know your sister does this to their children. her milk could actually be dangerous for some babies. from what i understand breast milk nutrition changes with the age of the baby. a newborn shouldn’t nurse from a mother whose baby is nine months old and vice versa. that’s why wet nurses disappeared hundreds of years ago.

nta. she is way out of line. there are many reasons a mother may not breastfeed. you are correct to trust your gut.

nta part of babysitting is respecting rules the parents set.

TOXIC

throwaway because some family knows my main and it's non of their business. when i was 4, my parents had a very nasty divorce.there wasnt any cheating. my dad gave my mom everything she wanted in the divorce. my dad threw himself into his work and never dated again yet alone got remarried. my mom remarried twice before settling down with my stepdad 5 years ago. neither ever had more kids. my parents were pretty great parents and worked hard to raise me the best they could in 2 separate homes but my dad's life solely revolved around me and his work. i never knew how much he had until he died 2 years ago. my dad was loaded. i never knew because we didnt buy extravagant things or even have an extravagant house. we had a nice little 2 bedroom and an old car he restored with my grandpa. he thought me the importance of hard work and living below your means. in his will, he left me everything. all the money was spilt into 3 "groups" that was for my wedding, money for whatever i deemed necessary, and money for my mother. my mothers portion was specifically not to go to her as she was bad with money. i was to buy her a house that was big enough for a craft room for her, and then an allowance of sorts that i was to spend on her mortgage so she would never lose the house. the house was to stay in my name and if she wanted to move, the money from the house was to go to her next one. my dad never stopped loving my mother and wanted her to be cared for for the rest of her life. i told my mom to look for a 3 bedroom that she liked. she asked me how i could afford it and i told her i was buying it with my inheritance because she was a great mom. i didnt tell her about the stipulations in the will. she found her a house that she could afford the mortgage and i bought it. she later found out about the stipulations when i started paying off her house. mom was furious and said i should give her all the money my dad left for her because she wasnt a child and that i needed to put the house in her name. i told her no, that i was doing exactly what i was asked and that she should be grateful that my dad loved her enough to want this for her. she is now refusing to speak to me until i give her the money and turn the house over. i continue to pay the mortgage and i send my stepdad money if any repairs need done. my stepdad is on my side and knows how she is with money. he thinks my dad was an amazing man and says he would shake his hand and share a beer if he were still alive. he does most of the repairs himself and doesnt want to inform me if he doesnt have to. i remind him that not only is this what my dad wanted, this is what i want and this is how i can help them as they get older. aita here? i dont want to treat my mom like a kid but i dont want her to blow through the money and be left homeless.

aita for treating my mom like a child?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ghrcbq/aita_for_treating_my_mom_like_a_child/

2020-05-11 16:52:44

nta. those were the stipulations. sucks, but you're only doing what you were told to. plus, he didn't have to leave her anything - maybe she should think about that before being ungrateful. it's embarrassing, i'm sure, but clearly it wasn't just him who thought she needed some 'help' with money management

nta at all. this was a specific instruction given to you in your father’s will. keeping the money from your mother’s possession was a specific condition. you’re doing exactly what your father wanted by paying off the house. even your stepdad agrees and is happy with the arrangement. i’m sorry for your loss, your father sounds as if he were a very generous man

nta. let me tell you a little story from my family. my uncle passed away and left his fortune in a trust to be managed by his son for the benefit of his bad-with-money wife. there was more than enough money to pay for a comfortable lifestyle in their home for the rest of her life. fast forward ten or so years later, the trust is empty, the son is dead in an unrelated incident, and the mother is struggling to keep the property taxes paid on the house, while displaying the first signs of dementia. what happened? no one on my side of the family knows for sure, but we all can guess that she eventually guilted him into giving all of it to her in exactly the same way your mother is guilting you, and then she blew it somehow. exactly what her husband didn't want to happen. you can do better for your mom.

whereas giving money to your mother would be illegal, as it is the opposite of what was stipulated in your father's will, nta.

nta. your only spending the money on the house which is what your father intended to happen. if there was extra money in the allowance and you made her like ask you for money to get her nails done, order groceries, go shopping, that would be different.

you're not an asshole, you're just following your dads wishes.

nta your following the directions of the will and even the step dad agrees

nta, your mother is ungrateful. i hope to grow up to be as good a man as what it seems your father was. may he rest in peace.

nta at all. i mean, your mom should be grateful that a) her ex husband was thinking of her and b) her kid is willing to enforce this

wow yikes. nta. may i reword that title for you? ‘aita for caring for my mom with a significant amount of money that i was left to me by my father, and her ex husband, as per the stipulations in his will?’ no. you are not. your father asked you to do something that he would likely be doing if he was still alive. your mother is acting like an entitled, privileged brat, who doesn’t appreciate her completely free home, paid for by her ex husband via her child. jesus christ, she’s kidding right? that’s pretty much every mother’s dream. you are literally offering to look after her for the rest of her life. and she wants to throw a tantrum? nah, that’s not on. do not sign it over for her. give her nothing. inform her that if she wants to refuse to talk to you, because she wants more money than you’re already giving to her, you’re more than happy to start charging her rent. she’s an adult, if she wants to be treated like one, she’s got a mortgage, utilities, etc to take care of. i’ll bet she’ll either chuck a fit (solidifying that she is indeed, a child) or shut up really fast. you could also go for the jugular - which is that in demanding that money, she is disrespecting your father, his memory, and his wishes, and you, his loving child, really do not appreciate that. souring his memory when he’s been so generous is horrible and gross of her. another thought. have you considered engaging a lawyer to set up some kind of trust for her, in the event of your untimely death? i would hate for something to happen to you, and for your mother to blow all of your fathers hard earned money. is there some kind of trustee you could set up, one that your mother can’t guilt? (aka not your stepfather.) just a thought. i’m really sorry for the loss of your father, he sounds like an incredibly generous and loving man. you were lucky to have him and learn from him, and it sounds like you really appreciated that. i hope that if/when you get married, you find a way to have him there or honour him. i was really touched by his sentiment and grace.

BENIGN

my mother and i are largely estranged. i’ve been informed that she is likely to lose her house soon through her own financial mismanagement, and my family is pressuring me to let her stay with me “temporarily.” first of all, i very much doubt that this will be temporary. second, i don’t want her in my house. she’s a bitter, petty, intolerable person. what’s more, already living in the house are my fiancée and my two kids, so we don’t really have much room. when my family calls or texts to pressure me to let her live here, i encourage them to let her live with them, but they always have excuses. i suspect that my mother is engineering this campaign by encouraging my family members to harass me. my sister has been especially been putting on the pressure, claiming that mom can’t live with her because she doesn’t have room (with husband and two kids) and she lives “too far away.”

aita for not letting my mother stay with me?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z5abg2/aita_for_not_letting_my_mother_stay_with_me/

2022-11-26 15:37:16

nta. this will likely not be temporary. of course your family is going to pressure you because, in all reality, they don’t want her living with them either. if what you’re saying about your mom is true, i wouldn’t allow her to stay either.

nta also, no is a complete sentence. they see every reason you offer and every conversation you entertain is just another opportunity for them to change your mind. just tell them, “as i told you before, i will not be letting her move in.” then end the conversation of if they persist.

nta you are estranged for a reason.

nta and letting someone move in “temporarily” rarely ends up that way and then you have to formally evict them.

nta. if they call and start bugging you about it just ask them if this is the purpose of the call. when it’s an inevitable yes, just hang up.

nta. you have to protect you and *your* family from your **estranged** mother. > when my family calls or texts to pressure me to let her live here, i encourage them to let her live with them, but they always have excuses obviously no one in the family wants to take mom in. sister has the same living situation (husband and two kids), and claims she doesn't have room and lives too far away. this isn't op's problem.

nta. ask each family member if they plan to reimburse you for housing costs. when they say no, play the uno reverse cars and point out that theyre the reason your mom cant live with you.

*my mother and i are largely estranged.* **for this reason, alone, nta**. of course you do not allow a person that is mostly estranged from you stay with you. **you have valid reasons f**or this situation, and that's a good reason to not suddenly invite them into your safe space. **your home should be your safe space.** it should be where you relax and rest and recuperate from the trials that happen in the world. which means, you don't invite people to stay there, even for a day, that make your life worse and that you have to protect yourself from by limiting contact. *her own financial mismanagement,* **for this reason, alone, you would have valid reason** to not invite her to stay with you. you cannot trust her handling of her own finances to know she would ever leave. *i very much doubt that this will be temporary.* your doubts show that you already know better than to trust her. **for that reason alone, it's valid to say no.** *i don’t want her in my house. she’s a bitter, petty, intolerable person* **for this reason, alone, it's valid to say no.** you are being pressured. you have valid reasons to say no. you know that you have valid reasons to say no, and you have been saying no. ***so the problem is: that they are still talking about this as if you haven't made a final decision.*** the heart of this problem is that while you have made a decision, they are refusing to accept your decision. so, it's a lack of respect for you and your right to make decisions for yourself. they seem to not have a problem telling you they can't do this, or with demanding you do it. they just are all refusing to accept your decision. so, **what can you change about this?** * when they call you or text you, **refuse to discuss her situation**. don't talk with them about her finances, or her plans. give them three times the first conversation, and twice the next, and after that, once. if they bring up the topic more than those numbers, end the conversation and say why. "i see you can't stop talking about this, so i'll talk with you another day, when we can maybe discuss something else. love you bye." * if you hang up and they flood you with texts, **refuse to discuss her issues.** tell them once, and then do not respond at all to texts about her issues. "i will not be answering any texts about mom's finances or housing." respond to normal texts, normally, just not to those about her issues. **you've made your decision and do not owe them more discussion about it.** * when you first start to do this, respond to them without giving your reasons for your decision, only give the decision. they don't care about your reasons, they have the same reasons. what they want is her off their hands, and on yours. so **do not discuss your reasons with them at all.** from now on the focus isn't on your reasons. you don't need their approval to know your reasons are valid, they are valid. * **focus on the simple fact that there is not any reason to discuss this ever again, because: you already made your decision.** you can repeat this, short and sweet, many times. instead of reasons, say some version of: "i've made my decision, and there's no more discussing it." "we aren't discussing this again, as i've told you my decision." "do you remember that i already told you my decision?" "why are you still bringing this up? i said no." "no, i'm not discussing my decision." "my decision is already final." **the plan: state your decision. refuse to discuss your reasons for that decision. restate the decision and then refuse to discuss it further. then, either move to a new topic, or use an exit strategy and end the conversation.** **ignore all** the accusations, insults, manipulations and rudeness. you have as much reason, maybe more, than they do to say no. if they resort to these things, you do not owe any response. most manipulative people will resort to these things for one reason: to keep us discussing the topic they want to force us to comply with. instead of responding, ignore those sorts of comments and digs. it's hard. it's hard when they accuse with lies, but they are doing it to get her to be your problem and not theirs. whatever issues your mom has, those are hers to resolve for herself. if she had put effort all her life into being a responsible, kind, loving person that you enjoyed having around, her situation would be different. but she didn't. so, that's on her, too. and **make a plan for what to do if she shows up at your door.** some manipulators will do this--expecting you will have to let them stay if they show up. i've heard of them doing this with their moving van and another person had a parent come in an ambulance from the hospital, to the house of an adult child who was no contact with them. **what to do if your mom shows up? do not let her inside.** text that you can meet at a local coffee shop the next day, but you "aren't available". make sure your kids don't let her in, either. if a mistake happens and she gets in, pick up her suitcase and take it outside for her, immediately, not waiting for her to agree. then do the same with her coat, etc. and if you have to call the police to escort her out, do it. you can't give that inch here. another option is to have some cash set aside to pay for a single hotel night for her. and then meet her in public, where you can walk away easily and make it clear that you already told her your decision, it's no, and it's final. what she does is up to her, not you.

nta. don't do it bruh there is only downsides to letting her stay with you. they're probably putting the pressure on you cause they're assuming your the one who would crack and say yes. i'm guessing they know how much of an asshole she is which is why none of them are taking her in. don't. let. her. stay.

nta keep on telling them they’ll have to take mom in. do not give in.

BENIGN

i was in a long-term (over 4 years), serious relationship. we owned a house together, i raised her son as my own. things ended when i found out she’d been having an affair with her boss for about 6 months, and she refused to delete him on snapchat even after we’d talked about it and initially decided to try to reconcile. we’re now over, but she is still involved with him even though he’s still her boss at work (a huge ethics violation). i held an even higher position at a different branch of the same company, until i stepped down after she claimed the reason she’d sought someone else was because i was always at work. i have many, many screenshots of inappropriate conversations and pictures sent between them. will i be the asshole if i turn them over to human resources, or is it morally responsible of me to report an ethics violation, even though i no longer work there? note that i have nothing to gain or lose personally either way. (i’ve since moved to another state and am seeing someone new; i have no hope or desire to “get rid of” the other guy so i can be with her again or anything) p.s. this guy used to have a higher position, but was forced to step down before for doing exactly the same thing, having an affair with a direct report. if he’s found doing the same thing, he’s extremely likely to be fired.

wibta if i report my ex-gfs boss to his employer for the affair he had with her?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cxz9gb/wibta_if_i_report_my_exgfs_boss_to_his_employer/

2019-08-31 18:57:25

nta, my sisters ex husband was in the marines and cheated on her with his supervisor, she found naked photos of them together and she sent them with a letter to their higher up supervisor (my apologies, i am clueless when it comes to military ranks). they both got kicked out. you don't get to be a piece of shit and not have consequences.

nta - it could put the company at risk. turn them in.

nta. a dish best served cold.

nta - do it, if it isn't allowed by the company then you should report.

info does your old company actually have policies against dating within the company? honestly, you could do it. and i don't think anyone would call you an asshole. but just own up and don't pretend like you're doing it to protect the company or because it's ethically wrong.

nta, not at all. he’s already done it once, and didn’t learn a lesson. it’s time

nta

esh- you seem to be fishing for validation for persuing revenge

nta, but don't kid yourself by saying you have nothing to gain or lose by doing so. revenge is sweet, and that's really what you would be doing.

i’m sorry that happened to you. that’s rough. and the reason she gave is not a valid reason. some people are just cheaters. sounds like her boss is an asshole and your reason to tell on him is really just petty revenge and nothing else. i really wouldn’t blame you, or at least i can understand why you would do it. maybe it would stop it from happening to someone else down the road but i doubt it. i’m going to go with esh, some more than others obviously but i think you’re being a bit petty and revengeful. with that said, go for it. haha!

BENIGN

i’m 50. i’m in shape, i make an effort, my relationship is good. i don’t think i look 50- ie i’m not in my dotage. but i’m not going to look 25, whatever i do! sadly! i’ve been getting brazilian waxes from a local salon for years and i’ve been happy. unfortunately they’ve closed down and i’ve had to find a new place. i chose somewhere else, nice looking place, not too cheap, good reviews… i went there, said my name and sat down (noticed most clients were a lot younger, but hey ho). my therapist appears and calls me: “op, playboy wax” - it’s what they call it there. all other clients look at me and start sniggering. one of them was open mouthed! i expect it’s now on tiktok! put on my game face and followed her into the room. i then passively aggressively (i’m british) suggested she should have just called me, without announcing my treatment to everyone. she looked at me as if i was 80 and said “you’re not at the doctor’s”. i said that i’d found it a bit embarrassing and she doubled down and said witheringly it was normal. implied i was in the wrong place… we had a ‘frank’ discussion. why i then willingly removed my underwear i’ll never know but god it was painful! the equivalent of a chef spitting in your food. i’m not going back there but keen to know: aita (or out of touch)?

aita for complaining to the beauty therapist for ‘breaching my confidentiality’ because she called out my intimate wax treatment across the room?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zsxo2c/aita_for_complaining_to_the_beauty_therapist_for/

2022-12-22 21:41:12

nta, that was inappropriate. i'm in my 20s and i wouldn't have been happy about it. it's also just completely unnecessary and has never happened to me, they wait until we're in the room to confirm the service. regardless, if you expressed discomfort with it, they should have respected that instead of belittling you.

nta but your explanation did make me laugh. i guess you could write a decent review of the place stating 'i got insulted and was made to remove my uw for more pain, which had to be paid for'.

i'm gonna say nta. i'm no expert on waxing salons but i have never heard of what treatment is requested being called out before in any center. that is tasteless and beyond rude. take your business elsewhere.

nta. this lady was way out of line and if she purposely inflicted added pain because you called her out then she shouldn't be in that profession. sorry that happened to you and definitely don't give them anymore of your hard earned money. also who laughs at another patron in a salon were they 10 years old? obviously i don't think you are at fault here.

no, you are not an a-hole. i would have been mortified as well. never go back to that place. if they see no issue with what they did, there are likely many, more things they are doing wrong there.

nta...if it bothered you, it's inappropriate. sure you're not at the doctors, but you're also not at starbucks.

hmmm, no i would not have appreciated it either. especially since the rest of the clientele sniggers when they call out a customer like that. and mostly, because there is no need at all for it. calling you by your name would have been plenty! so nta, and i would definitely leave them a review.

nta... but why would be at a salon to get waxed be snicking that another lady is also getting waxed? i'm also not sure why you'd be embarrassed that people getting waxed at a salon know you are getting waxed. seems weird.

nta - don't go back. they were rude and unprofessional.

age has nothing to do with it. no salon should be shouting your appt to a room. perhaps a 20 year old someone gets their back waxed or stomach and is embarrased about having hair where they shouldn't. however, what i will say is you should have walked in the treatment room, explained the reason you will not be having the service and left. women are taught to be polite and end up accepting bad behavior from others. if she said that she was going to charge you, tell her that you would dispute the charge with the company. that never is good for them. bottom line nta but stand up for yourself.

BENIGN

going to try and keep this brief.... husband and i are both in our 30s, we have a kiddo in middle school. we have been married around 15 years. a few years ago, my husband and his family suffered a terrible tragedy. at first my husband seemed to be coping okay. over time, however, his personality changed. he became angry and volatile. he would spiral over the most innocuous things and often ranted in a manner that was impossible to follow. it was incredibly concerning and confusing. i thought he was experiencing the onset of a mental disorder. i tried to get him mental health assistance but he refused. it wasn't until someone pointed out that he was drunk on christmas eve that i realized he had been drinking on the sly and his behavior was that of an alcoholic. he had never shown any unkind tendencies before - he had always been the kindest, gentlest, safest person i knew. and i felt that after more than a decade of being a kind and supportive partner (and the circumstances of his immense grief and pain), he deserved for me to fight for him. so i did. we were working on recovering our relationship when current events hit, and then he had a medical crisis. it's been stress after stress after stress. but we keep working on it, talking things through, trying to rebuild. at this point, i am just depleted. my husband depends on me to help him process his emotions in a healthy way (yes, i've tried to get him into therapy, long story) and i also try to teach our kiddo to process his emotions in a healthy manner. so there's not much space left for me or my emotions. my anxiety is at an all-time high, i have little passion for my own interests, and i don't feel like i've been emotionally healthy in three years. so this summer my kiddo is going to visit my parents for 2 weeks. i want to take a week and go on vacation by myself. i just want to be alone and be able to focus entirely on myself. i want to finally have space to breathe and process. i want to do whatever the fuck i want, whenever i want, without taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. but, i feel like this would be a shitty thing to do to my husband. he would be extremely hurt and take it as a very bad sign about the state of our marriage. it would also cause him intense anxiety. i know he would be super supportive if i made it a girls' trip with my friends, but i just want to be alone. would that make me an asshole?

wibta for going on vacation alone?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mzs3j5/wibta_for_going_on_vacation_alone/

2021-04-27 16:17:14

nta—it sounds like you’re doing an unsustainable amount of emotional labor daily, and while you might worry that it would be selfish to take time away, it sounds like it’s necessary to avoid burnout. everyone needs time to themselves/a break. i’m so sorry for the stressful situation you’ve been dealing with!

nta at all! you are technically a caregiver to your husband and bear this burden pretty much alone. you have every right to a trip alone and if he disagrees, i would reevaluate your relationship with him tbh.

nta - you definitely need a week to take some time to breathe and process and focus entirely on yourself. as for your husband... "he would be extremely hurt and take it as a very bad sign about the state of our marriage. it would also cause him intense anxiety." you have been experiencing intense anxiety for quite some time, and your marriage is not in a good place. it would be realistic for him to acknowledge this. but as for him being extremely hurt and experience anxiety over this - what is he doing to make things better? "he deserved for me to fight for him. so i did." "my husband depends on me to help him process his emotions in a healthy way" "i've tried to get him into therapy, long story" he's letting you fight for him, he's demanding that you play therapist for him, and you're so overwhelmed you don't have anything left for yourself and you're still worried about him feeling hurt over you needing a break?!? he went through a serious tragedy and decided to cope with alcohol, and that is on him, not you. nothing in here says that he has in any way behaved like an adult who is responsible for his own behavior, his own emotional regulation, and for getting help when he needs it. you cannot continue to play mommy for someone who refuses to take responsibility for his own emotions and behaviors, it's literally destroying you. and it's not helping with your child either. no matter how hard you try to teach him how to better handle his own emotional stresses, the example you're setting is that his father is allowed to evade responsibility and someone else will step up and take care of it for him... tell your husband you will be going away for the first week that your son is with the grandparents and give him all of the reasons you have listed here as to why you need that week. then tell him that you expect him to spend that week reflecting as well, on how he is handling everything... when you get back, you'll still have a week before your son returns home for you and your husband to discuss whether he is going to continue dumping his entire emotional load on you or whether he is going to step up and be an adult and start taking some responsibility for his choices.

nta. ma’am, you need to take care of yourself, and you need to do what you need to do. you need time alone from your husband to *take care of you*. if no one is taking care of you, it is only a matter of time before there is none of you left to take care of anyone else. honestly, after three years, it is really time for you to insist that your husband needs to get into therapy. there is no other alternative other than wrecked mental health for all of you.

nta burnout is real and you need a break. but i think you need to find a therapist/support group for spouses of alcoholics and start to figure out where your boundaries are and what you want from your life. you also need to start figuring out how to help your child cope with having a volatile and alcoholic father - therapy for them should be a must. as long as you play therapist for your husband he'll never go to one. when your husband tries to get you to help him process his emotions you need to start always responding with "i do not have the skills to help you with this, you need a therapist. i can help you find one, but otherwise i can't have this conversation." every time. grey rock it. your husband should be hurt he should see it as a sign of how bad your marriage is - all of that sounds like it's true! he's an adult who has made this situation and you've been enabling him along the way which has allowed him to live in denial. find a friend or family member (maybe a few) to check on him every other day or so while you're gone and go. tell your parents info of the hotel so you can turn off your phone and they'll still have a way to contact you in case of emergency. you could also give that to the friend/family member you enlist. go!

nta. take this time to yourself, you need it. also, take some time to think long and hard about your marriage. your husband has a drinking problem and you cannot fix him. i'd honestly give an ultimatum, alcohol *or* therapy and the marriage. he can't have both. you can't keep setting yourself in fire to keep other people warm.

omg, nta. i'm happily married to a very stable man, no kids, and even \*i\* want a vacation by myself after this past year. add to it all the other stresses you've endured and i can only imagine the bliss of room service and quiet for a few days. you are useless to both husband and kiddo if you're burned out and exhausted.

nta. another option: send the husband to rehab while your daughter is away and have your vacation at home while he gets the help and support he needs from professionals. if you go on vacation, you come home to the same situation, nothing will have improved and it might be worse. if he goes to rehab, things might get better when he comes home.

nta, you are a member of the family and taking care of the family also means taking care of you

nta. i don’t quite understand why he would be hurt this though-taking some very necessary time for yourself shouldn’t be seen as some kind of insult to him. how would a girl’s trip be different?

BENIGN

aita for not letting my boyfriends relative by marriage stay with us? i am in a huge argument with my boyfriend right now because his brother's, wife's little brother got kicked out of his house and i wont allow him to temporarily move into our apartment. the guy in question is 25, a drug addict (like hard drugs not just weed or anything), unemployed and is currently homeless for the 6th-ish time. he called my boyfriend crying the other day about how he is sleeping in a tent on a piece of land his family owns because no one will let him come stay with them. my boyfriend can be a softy but i had to put my foot down. i already know what will happen if he is allow here. my home will be turned into a trap house with in a day, he will have traffic in and out that are buying and selling drugs (telling him no company will do nothing to prevent this), my food will disappear, many of my possessions will disappear and he will not want to leave. he's done this to many of his family members. the boyfriend's only argument is that he feels bad for him having to sleep in a tent. i keep telling the bf there is a reason he got kicked out of his rental and there is a reason no one wants to help him. he is from this area and has plenty of family and 'friends' he should be able to turn to but has burnt so many bridges that even his blood relatives will not throw him a bone. i am not going to allow someone in to my home that'll put my safety, security and over all well being at risk. to most people i would be super sympathetic and welcome them into my home for a while, i am not a monster. if this guy was seeking treatment for his drug problem or trying to do something productive i would let him in but nope, ah hell no is he staying here like he is now. the bf says i am being a big ol'bitch and cold but i think i am just looking out for my personal well being. so.. aita? [edit] in case i was not clear my bf and i do live together. i solely hold the lease but bf does pay toward rent.

aita not allowing my boyfriend's sister in-laws younger brother to live with me?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cf1j6j/aita_not_allowing_my_boyfriends_sister_inlaws/

2019-07-19 01:56:32

nta info: why is your bf so stupid?

soooo nta. not only is this guy ta, your bf is also a major a. calling you a bitch? girl you should not take that kinda talk from him. you’re absolutely right in not to invite him into your home and maybe send your bf to join him in his tent for a couple nights too.

nta. housing him could lead to both you and your boyfriend getting kicked out too if he's doing drugs and trading them at your place. you have every right to put yours and your boyfriend's wellbeing above someone who chooses to live irresponsibly.

>he is from this area and has plenty of family and 'friends' he should be able to turn to but has burnt so many bridges that even his blood relatives will not throw him a bone. nta if he really wanted to change, he wouldn't be going to you.

nta. it's your boyfriend's extended family. i could understand maybe if y'all were married but you have absolutely no loyalties to his extended family like that. if anything they are the assholes for putting you in that position. you're allowed to say no

do y’all live together? he is literally no one to you. why would he move in with you? nta

nta. drug addiction is a fickle beast. to recover from it genuinely needs tough love. it isn't saying no to family, extended or otherwise. but you 100% have the right to say no and indeed should. sounds like this guy needs help and i hope he gets it.

nta: your boyfrined is making a hugely unreasonable request and that doesn't even include the drug issue. add that in and you are definitely in the clear.

nta your bf should be the one helping him if he feels so bad. you are absolutely right to say no and not wanting to put yourself, home and belonging at risk. he is an addict that has no interest in seeking help or making his life better.

nta but there’s no reason to point out so strongly he’s family by marriage not blood. if someone considers someone family, they’re family imo. but with that said you absolutely don’t have to let him live in your house at all.

TOXIC

this weekend i was in a fairly busy "mall" complex parking lot with a walmart and gamestop and the likes. halfway down the aisle there was an open spot in between an suv and one of those raised grass plots for a light post. a woman with a cart and her 3yr old were in the open spot with the suv doors open. i pulled forward to the end of the aisle and seeing no empty spots decided to back up and back in to the open one next to the suv. the kid is in the middle of the spot with the cart, just doin' kid stuff, and the mother has her door partially open and is getting something out of the suv. i paused for a second or two to allow the mother to tell the kid to get the cart and move next to her, and then back in leaving as much room as i can between the cars (my tires just about scraping the raised cement for the grass plot). the woman throws her hands up and says a few things to me while i'm parking about not paying attention. i recognize her as an old classmate (currently 10yrs out of school) so i just shrug it off and don't say anything in response, chalking it up to a protective maternal instinct that i didn't presently feel like combatting. she later messaged me on facebook (we aren't fb friends but she recognized me as well) with more choice things to say about the incident and how i should be paying attention, which is making me question if i did in fact do the asshole thing. i haven't responded but want to say something along the lines of "yes, i was paying attention, but no, the whole parking lot can't come to a standstill while you take up two spots". so reddit, am i the asshole?

aita for using a parking space next to a woman with kids

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ix19f5/aita_for_using_a_parking_space_next_to_a_woman/

2020-09-21 14:17:04

nta. i'm a parent but damn is she entitled. just because you have children doesn't mean you can take up more room. and it isn't like you were about to hit her or her kid. i'd respond and then block her.

i'm confused. you were paying attention, as evidenced by you waiting for her to safely retrieve her kid. right? **nta**

she found you on facebook to yell at you? no, nta. she’s terrible.

nta. yikes, just block her and move on

nta, i don't believe "op could've chosen to be kind" is an appropriate answer to someone acting shitty and inflicting it on people.

nta you'd be in the right to tell her you were, in fact, aware of exactly where she and her child were the whole time and that she's an asshole.

nta, though it would’ve been less of a headache if you didn’t respond to her facebook message. although next time if you’re trying to take a spot like that, don’t back into it. cruise up and down the parking lot “aisles” and when you find a spot, stop, put on blinker saying you intend to take the spot, and wait for them to clear before proceeding.

i’m going against the grain, but esh. you could have pulled up and waited, she could have gotten her kid and cart out of the way quicker. she took it too far by reaching out to you over facebook, but backing into a spot where people are standing can be very dangerous. especially if her kid was right there. not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but it could have been handled better by both of you.

nta - i have kids and any time this happens i feel like the asshole. i am always embarrassed but it can be tough with two kids and strollers. i always appreciate patience when someone is trying to park. i hustle to get out of the way or sometimes i just close up and let them park.

nta. what kind of response was she expecting? her kid acted like a kid, she needs to parent. end of story.

TOXIC

i really need an outside perspective because i feel really conflicted. it was 1 month milestone sober from alcohol yesterday and because my boyfriend is going to be away all weekend, we went for a nice walk then i started making us dinner. two of his friends stop by unexpectedly, before i finish dinner. my boyfriend comes into the kitchen to put a case of beer in the fridge. i take this as a sign they will be staying for a little bit. i'm disappointed that my sober dinner is now with 4 people, 2 of them drinking instead of eating. i lost my appetite and instead of hanging out with the boys, i just went to the bedroom with my laptop and watched some tv i was looking forward to watching. when i dropped off my boyfriends dish, both seats beside my boyfriend were taken by his friends. since then i keep trying to express how it made me upset, but i don't know how else it could have been. i think my boyfriend could have said something and had them come by later, and he thinks i should have been a more gracious host, split the food up to give them some and just gone on with the evening. so aita for isolating myself rather than being a better host?

aita for isolating myself in my bedroom rather welcome guests that came with alcohol.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x49uql/aita_for_isolating_myself_in_my_bedroom_rather/

2022-09-02 19:12:55

nta your boyfriend was completely inappropriate, he should have asked his friends to leave or at least made sure they didn’t bring alcohol into your home congratulations on 1 month sober

nta - why isn't your boyfriend being more supportive of your sobriety? 🚩 does your boyfriend frequently just change plans without checking with you first? 🚩🚩 a few questions - how old are you two, and how long have you been together?

info: did he knew this was a dinner to celebrate your success? if so, nta. he definitely shouldn’t have asked them to stay. were you probably a bit ungracious? i suppose, but your sobriety is way more important right now. honestly he shouldn’t really even have alcohol in the home this early in your process.

major nta. you’re a recovering alcoholic, and your boyfriend thought it was a good idea to not only expose you to beer, but to then complain that you weren’t a “gracious host”? op he wasn’t describing a “gracious host” he was describing an obedient house wife from the 50s. serve them their food with a smile and all that? nah. op you aren’t the ah, but you should really reconsider boundaries with your boyfriend, because he clearly doesn’t respect you that much

nta. people usually *consent* to being a host.

nta by any means. if anything, you were too polite. congrats on 1 month sober!! i don't know you but i'm proud of you. i watched my brother go through various addictions, the final and hardest being alcohol. watching him work at sobriety was something i won't forget. i'm also really proud of him. he broke the cycle our grandparents set up for us. (i was very fortunate to have not gotten the gene.) that you got up from a situation that made you uncomfortable, went into your own space, and stayed true to yourself is a huge deal and deserves to be celebrated as well as your 1 month! that took guts and strength and this early in your journey, you need to be proud of yourself too. your boyfriend, however.... i'd like to have some choice words with him. frankly, he should be supportive of you as your boyfriend and someone who i'd assume loves you. bringing alcohol into a place with a person 1 month sober shows a lack of thought, regard, compassion, and support. fine if he wants to go out to drink, but to just put a case of beer into the fridge on your 1 month day -- hon, that's a deal-breaker. and for him to double down? no. keep the sobriety. lose the boyfriend.

nta i think you were being incredibly lenient by just going to another room. when my partner got sober 4 years ago, our house became a no substance zone. guests are not allowed to bring booze for any reason. they are made aware of this during the invitation and will make other plans if they're looking to have a night of drinking, which i don't fault them for. your bf needs to get on board with supporting your sobriety or leave.

nta, your bf is clearly of the mindframe that it's your sole purpose in life to accommodate his needs and wants. it is not, and is advise you let him in on that.

nta . you isolated yourself to protect your peace and your will

good job on staying sober. nta, your bf should be more focus on you than on appearances as a host. and he certainly should be supporting you in your efforts to stay sober. even if that means refusing chill time with the bros.

BENIGN

i am currently at disney world with my family and my bf. bf and i split off (rest of the family goes back to the room and rest) and decide to go one one of the slower, more chill rides. we get in line and there's a family of four behind us, including a daughter who is about 9 years old. the daughter gets really close to us so that it forces us on top of the people in front of us. then she starts playing a bit. she bumps into me a few times, and does some jumps and lands on the back of my shoe. every time we move forward in the line, she instantly walks as close to us as she can get then continues playing. there's a good amount of room behind her between her and her father. her dad is distracted by his phone. i let this go on for about three or four minutes, then turn to face her father. she apoligizes to me, and i tell her dad as politely as i can, "hey, sorry, your daughter keeps bumping into me.". he gets really in my face quickly, saying, "she's a kid, mate. this place is for kids, mate.". unsure of what to do, i turn and ingore him, and he repeats "this place is for kids, mate." his tone was clearly annoyed, condescending, and aggressive. so my first question is aita for not just ignoring it? second question is more of a hypothetical. adding some detail- i'm a bit of a bigger guy (not huge but definitely a bit more muscular than average), and my boyfriend is too. i'm also awkward. my body coupled with awkward body language can sometimes be misread as more aggressive. i kept this in mind when i talked to him, trying to be as gentle as possible when i asked. this is probably not the case, but in the event that i failed and what i said came off as more confrontational than i intended, wibta?

aita for asking a dad to watch his daughter more closely?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cfe6wo/aita_for_asking_a_dad_to_watch_his_daughter_more/

2019-07-19 22:28:49

nta just cause it’s a place for kids doesn’t mean they can jump all over people

nta i have 5 kids and i don't let them do that in lines, even at disneyland. it's for kids, but you're there to have fun too. you asked nicely, that's all you can do. ​ he was probably just having a tough day. disney isn't always fun for parents.

nta 1) if disney was just 'for kids' it wouldn't have so much alcohol and kid-free zones around the resorts 2) even in places 'for kids' its not appropriate for your kid to go bumping into other people. what if you were writing about your 2 year old who got knocked down instead? the dad was being a lazy jerk.

nta i’m a woman so i can get away with the “oh sweetie you keep stepping on my feet, could you please be more careful?” in the most syrupy sticky sweet voice. as a guy though you did the right thing and addressed the dad. he was just an asshole.

nta. keep doing you king. the kid is excited sure but the dad should watching her more carefully

nta. a lady once told me in the grocery store "your kid keeps bumping into me with your cart." you know what i did? apologized. i hadn't noticed. yes it's a place for kids but nowhere is a place for kids to jump into/bump into other people. what on earth.

nta—he should watch his kids. it’s not a place you just go dump your kids off to let them run wild ffs.

nta his answer should have been, "sorry, mate, she's excited. daughter, be more careful." that's common courtesy, which is sadly uncommon.

nta - that guy's a douche. at that point, i'm yelling at his kids directly.

as someone who goes to disney a lot, my method for dealing with kids who crowd my personal space is to simply make eye contact with them. it sounds kind of weird but i feel like little kids are so used to being ignored, especially when they’re bumping around into people. usually when they run into a stranger they’ll look up at them to see how the stranger will react. it’s instinct just to give a side glance and ignore it. but if you look down at them and just make eye contact as if to say “yes, i’m here, i can see you,” they tend to leave you alone and be more mindful of your space. don’t glare, just look and even smile a little or raise your eyebrows as if to say “hmm?” i’m sure if you talked to the kid that would be even better, but i try to avoid talking to other people’s children as some families can go into protective mode. anyways, nta

TOXIC

i own an etsy shop and we sell jelly straws, recently i've had a customer order from us on three different occasions, and her first two orders went smoothly and she received them. however, when i shipped out her third order (dropped off @ usps) it never arrived. she brought this to my attention one month after i had shipped out her order and i apologized and offered to reship it (i also provided her with a new tracking number). then i get a message saying that she wants a refund on all three of her orders (she received the first two, and the third was already on the way- she can tell exactly where with her tracking number). keep in mind i have a no refund policy at my shop. i tell her i cannot provide her with a refund as she already agreed to have her order re-shipped and it is currently on the way. she then says that i am a lying scammer and when i explain to her again that she will not be receiving a refund she says "but i want one anyway thanks hun" a cycle of me listing how i was not a scam and how she can't receive a refund went on for a while (she opened 4 cases against my shop + a bad review claiming i was a scammer). she finally called be a bi\*ch and i gave her a very professional response along the lines of 'hope to see you again soon, thanks for your support for our shop" she then provided to say that she is posting all this on tiktok and she has 100k followers, i'm a scammer, she will never be coming again... etc. honestly, i get kind of a choosing beggar vibe from her, but idk aita?

aita for not providing a refund to a customer?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ng4ioy/aita_for_not_providing_a_refund_to_a_customer/

2021-05-19 12:31:06

nta - she’s scamming you looking for free stuff. a refund in the order that didn’t arrive is reasonable, but asking for a refund for past orders because of the last one is ridiculous.

imagine if you were amazon and you'd delivered hundreds of packages, then a single one doesn't arrive and the customer demands a refund for *all of them.* same concept, really. nta. her request is outrageous.

nta. could be argued she is scamming you and should be reported.

nta. she's not a "choosing beggar," she's a scammer.

nta, she is just trying to rip you off. it would be one thing to request a refund on the one order that hadn't arrived, but every order? that's her trying to scam you. plus you reshipped the order and gave tracking. you did nothing wrong and from the interaction, seem a good business person. they can just get bent

nta. shes the scammer here attempting to get a refund on 2 complete orders and an order that is in the process of being rectified. stand your ground and call her bluff, its unfortunate but you will come across a customer like this every once in a while.

nta. first 2 shipments went well and she accepted the re-shipment. a refund even if possible was declineable because she accepted. a refund for order 1 and 2 is not possible cuz she received it and did not claim on sight/ opening. if the first two orders aren't damaged they are also not refundable. she should learn about businessdeals before wanting something and claiming something. if she posts online about you and your business with false info she is the one who can get in legal action if you activate a lawyer.

nta some buyers will try all sorts of tactics to get something for free. appeal the bad feedback and show etsy proof of delivery of the first 2 and the proof of her asking for it to be reshipped with the new tracking code. they should then remove the bad feedback.

nta you have a no refund policy, and you offered to reship it. you did everything right here.

nta refunds for orders not received: acceptable refunds for orders received because a later one wasn't: unacceptable

BENIGN

preface: this incident in isolation is incredibly petty (imo) but has lead to my girlfriend becoming incredibly mad at me. my girlfriend and i were hanging out, laying on the couch watching tv. she apparently got bored and began folding laundry that i had just removed from the dryer. i thanked her for doing so and told her i appreciate that. she got to my socks, and did that thing where you kind of roll one sock into the other a bit to make pairs and placed all the pairs on the floor. at this point she remarked that i have an incredible amount of socks (honestly too many but my mom loves to give socks every christmas) and something about getting a box to organize my socks in and, i'm the middle of concentrating on the show we were watching (peaky blinders) said "yeah". some time passes and i notice the socks are still on the floor so i get up and begin picking them up and putting them into my closet, where i made a shelf on which i organize my non-hanging clothing into. there's an area for t-shirts, pants, underwear, socks, etc. like most people, i don't always keep it 100% organized but i was putting all of the socks into the "sock area" of the shelf. my girlfriend ran over and said "no no no i was gonna do this" and grabbed a plastic bag and began putting the socks into the bag. i told her that i didn't want to do that and like to organize my laundry the way i already do. this made her upset, and she began unfolding all the laundry she had just folded and separating all of the remaining socks from their pairs. i said something along the lines of "why are you mad? i didn't ask you to do that", which was apparently the wrong move because that upset her to the point where she immediately left to go back to her own place. i honestly do appreciate her folding my clothes but i am of the opinion where once i say i don't want her to organize my laundry differently then i do now, that that should be the end of the discussion and she should drop it instead of getting mad at me. am i the asshole?

aita for telling my girlfriend "i didn't ask you to do that"?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p3e5ne/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_i_didnt_ask_you_to/

2021-08-13 02:08:00

nta. you sure there isn’t something else she might be upset about? because that seems like a big overreaction over sorting laundry

nta. so she decided to fold your clothes, without asking or being asked, and felt that entitled her to decide how you have to organize things. and when you disagree she just unfolded everything and stomped out. pretty sure that sound is the bullet you just dodged.

nta. everyone has their own preference for how they do things. generally, for basic household things, once the relationship moves to the point of living together, these things kind of just change to one way or the other naturally over time. (like whomever does the laundry the most, gets to put it away their way) while she was kind to fold your laundry, it’s very weird that she wouldn’t allow you to put them away like you normally do. the biggest issue (and ah behavior) is her then becoming upset by this and unfolding the already folded laundry. she did that out of spite, but why?? it’s so stupid really. the only thing i can reasonably come up with... she threw a little tantrum because you wouldn’t bend to her will. and that’s something you might want to keep tabs on... if she reacts so strongly over your socks... when she doesn’t even live in your house or do your laundry... what is next?

i don’t have a straightforward yta or nta. but here is some advice, it’s not usually just about “the laundry”, it’s usually about a whole bunch of things. things can sometimes come out more meanly than you meant or are taken more meanly than you meant. she tried to be helpful by doing your laundry, unasked which is true “you didn’t ask”. is it really about the laundry, or is she upset that she tries to help and is told it’s “wrong”? you know her better than the tiny view we can see to know if this is just a hurt reaction or a common occurrence.

nta technically, but she sees your reply as mean. it's a common human problem. people give and they can't help themselves, they want appreciation. and when you say "i didn't ask you to do that" it's kind of a trigger phrase for all kinds of emotions, hurt, embarassment, anger etc. you have to decide how important it is to you to not say stuff like that. but then again it may feel like walking on eggshells to you. your decision.

nta. that’s not the kind of thing you push back on when you’re in someone else’s house. she seems controlling. she got bored so she felt entitled to reorganize *your* entire sock storage system?

this is so crazy to me... like, you have a place organised for your socks and she’s just going to like... do it differently, just cause? and why’s she getting mad you’re putting your socks back where they go? shoving them in a plastic bag and saying “i was gonna do this” like, no you weren’t you were going to find a box? she way overreacted. nta

nta she definitely over reacted. but sometimes giving a little in response to a favor isn't a big deal

nta - you didn't ask her to do your laundry, and it's your home so you should be able to organise your clothes how your happy with them... teeny tiny bit controlling, to throw a fit like that, and incredibly petty to unfold and unpair the socks over it

from your version of events, nta. the way a person organizes their closet is...personal is the wrong word...but having people put things in places other than where you would put them can be incredibly frustrating. however, i reserve the right to conclude that even though you call this very petty, it's quite possible that your girlfriend's version of events would paint you as a complete ah here, and might be a fair retelling. i have learned from being married that even when i mean things completely innocuously, still they are perceived as ah-ish in ways i cannot imagine until it's way too late.

BENIGN

i'm a 17 year old male but i enjoy doing some things that are traditionally feminine, such as painting my nails or letting my sister do my makeup sometimes. i simply like doing it and that's how i've always been. so anyways, our church is opening this sunday and my parents want to go to watch my cousin get baptistised. i don't mind going at all but today my dad told me that i need to take the nail polish off before sunday. it's just plain black nail polish with glitter so i don't understand why it's such an issue. nobody is going to be looking at my nails. my dad thinks it's "gay" and that i'm acting like a f\*gg\*t my sister told me that i should just leave it and let our parents fuck themselves and that's what i did. my dad saw that i hadn't taken it off and asked why. i told him i wasn't going to take it off and that i didn't care what he thought. i told him that i'm not going if i can't wear what i want and he said that i'm being stubborn and childish. he said that i'm "ruining my cousins event" but i honestly doubt that he'll care if i'm there or not. aita for not going to church?

aita for refusing to go to church if i can't wear nail polish?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hxwngs/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_church_if_i_cant_wear/

2020-07-25 23:38:57

nta pretty nails shouldn’t be a feminine thing. rock your beautiful cuticles my friend.

nta. church is supposed to be a place where all are accepted for who they are. i think it’s really brave and honorable standing up for who you are

>nobody is going to be looking at my nails. oh, people will definitely be looking at your nails. you can’t do something that visually unusual and expect not to be noticed. but as long as you are okay with that, i agree with the rest of your post. nta.

nta, you didn't say what your sexuality actually is but regardless i think your dad is coming from a homophobic perspective, or at least worrying too much about others' opinions. nail polish is not a big deal and i don't believe you should dilute yourself down to appease homophobes. you do you.

nta. your dad sounds like someone who goes to church for appearances’ sake. jesus, officially, loves everyone, including boys who wear nail polish.

nta. your dad needs to get over himself. it's nail polish, not an atomic bomb youre going to church with

nta, religion is in general toxic.

ahh acetone.. the magic gay remover nta

nta. you are your own person. out of curiosity did you ask him why he doesn’t want you to wear it?

nta- if the people at the church can't accept you for who you really are and how you really wanna dress, perhaps they aren't real christians.

BENIGN

my partners friends and family are travelling to our city for an event. my partners parents will be staying in our guest room - we live in a small two bed apartment for context. my partner asked if his friend (known since childhood and a real mess when he drinks, which he will be at the event) could crash on our couch. i met this with a hard no, our apartment is small and i’m already anxious any time we have guests (particularly my in laws) and know that he’s going to be loud, messy and almost certainly abuse any hospitality. my partner said he understood but says he feels bad about not offering as ‘that’s the way he was raised’ and that i don’t understand. i’m very upfront about how anxious i get when people stay at our house, i know i’ll be in an awful mood at the event if i know i have to deal with that many people when i get home. aita for saying absolutely not?

aita for saying my partners friend can’t crash?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n0biy1/aita_for_saying_my_partners_friend_cant_crash/

2021-04-28 10:08:23

nta and it couldn't be simpler for your partner: "sorry, man, we are full with family" if for some reason it continues to be an issue, volunteer to stay in a hotel while the friend is there. that will make more room for everyone, your partner gets to host his in-laws and his slob friend simultaneously, and he doesn't have to violate his upbringing. win/win/win.

nta. you are already hosting your inlaws. 4 people in an apartment is enough.

nta. not only are you hosting your partner's parents despite having anxiety, but you are well within your rights to not want to host a messy drunk. if hosting his friend would cause you undue anxiety then that is more than enough of a reason to say no. it is very reasonable to set boundaries like this with your partner, such as what kinds of guests you are willing to host and which ones you aren't.

nta. um, no. the way he was raised—he was most certainly not hosting people himself—*his mother was.* you’re full up. the end. but—don’t fall into the trap where he gets to offer up your labor. i hope when his parents are there, *hes* doing the extra cleaning, organizing, and socializing.

nta - presumably your partner did already offer but it was made to his parents first. he can't have both - you simply lack the space.

nah, he's not an ashole for asking but you're not an asshole for saying no.

i think, with drinking involved, that even if friend isn't "staying" there, he's going to end up staying there (either passed out on the couch or "too dangerous" to drive him home or "we can't get him a cab, what if something happens?"). if at all possible, op, i'd suggest cutting yourself out from the event and getting a hotel room for yourself to enjoy some nice alone time. or, if it's an event you really want to attend, getting a room close to the venue for yourself and yourself only. hubby is responsible for all care and cleaning related to visitors, before, during, and after their visit. nta

nope! nta, it’s your house too. you should feel comfortable in your own home. i can tell you straight up, if my in laws were coming to visit they would be in a hotel. do not put other people’s comforts above your own.

nta because it isn’t just your partners house. it’s hard enough with in-laws. if he he really feels bad he should split the cost for him to stay the night in airbnb or hotel. his friend just needs to know that your house will be fully occupied and he has to find alternative arrangements.

1. sloppy drunks are not allowed to sleep over. if you only have one rule in your house, this is a top contender. i'm betting your partner also wasn't raised to be the host and person to clean up before and after guests. i'd suggest tackling the seemingly separate viewpoints by placing the labor of hosting onto whoever extends the invite. most likely he will also be a bit less hospitable when it is expected of him personally. nta

BENIGN

due to the past two years, our local theater company lost enough revenue they were forced to give up the lease on their space. the board and volunteers still exist, but obviously productions can’t be staged the way they used to so all that’s going on are a few improv comedy shows, things that can be performed in local clubs/bars, outdoors, etc. the teen programs have taken an especially hard hit. theatre, especially for kids, is something i’m pretty passionate about so i offered to produce a teen show and have it staged, so to speak, in my yard. my yard is just over two acres, surrounded by tall, dense hedges so as not to get a lot of road or neighbor noise, and while half of it is wooded the other half is a broad, flat, open grassy space perfect to put down picnic blankets and set up a temporary stage. i proposed the idea to the board and most of them happily agreed it would be a great way to have a low overhead production and fundraiser for the kids. i worked to put together a proposed budget, timeframe, and to-do checklist. one of the things i listed on our checklist was rental of a few porta potties. upon reading this line item, one of the board members became extremely disgruntled that i would not be opening up my home to show going guests. she stated it was incredibly rude and disrespectful to have indoor bathrooms so close but force people to use outdoor facilities. she added it would make people think we don’t trust them and we would look elitist and snobby, like we think they’re going to steal things. from my perspective, it’s pretty common to have porta potties at outdoor events and it would be the easiest solution versus having people traipse through an unfamiliar house. outdoors we can have multiple restrooms, i can leave my dogs inside undisturbed, and not have to worry about the mess and the traffic. apparently this is unacceptable. i won’t say i’m willing to pull the plug altogether on this project over this, but in my mind i’m going through a pretty decent amount of trouble in the first place and it’s strange to me to have a fight start over something so seemingly petty. wibta if i went ahead with my plan for outdoor toilets and “banned” attendees from my home?

wibta for renting porta potties?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tuujn8/wibta_for_renting_porta_potties/

2022-04-02 22:04:13

nta! your house your rules, and especially when you’re being so generous to offer it as a venue for free

nta. the most simple solution would be a signed agreement in which this board member reimburses any potential damages or losses if they’re so comfortable risking your belongings. if they aren’t comfortable doing that, then they can shut up! **especially** because plan b doesn’t seem like it’s inviting everyone over to *their* home and using *their* bathrooms!

nta. you’re volunteering your yard, not your home. people steal, and people are members of the general public, thus if you’re going to have a fundraiser in your yard inviting the general public to support local kids’ theater, then it is beyond prudent to keep them out of your house. this board member is nuts. they might as well be arguing that stores shouldn’t have security cameras because customers might be offended you think they’ll steal. that’s just ridiculous.

your offer is a gift horse and they are staring in its mouth... nta. it's quite a ridiculous expectation; there's a world of difference between having people on your land, and in your home. it's not even about the risk of people stealing things - what about accidental breakages? the risk your dogs might dislike strangers intruding in their home without you being around? no. silly. rented port-a-potties is an entirely sensible, reasonable, and rational suggestion. if said board member is that hung up on it, perhaps she'd like to offer her own garden and toilets?

nta - you are being extremely generous with your space, you have every right to not allow guests in your home. personally i would die on this hill if i was you - if they are too good for a pitta potty that person can pay for another venue

you are expecting what, 20, 30, 40 people to watch the production, plus the crew? and you are expected to cater to them with only your own bathrooms? nta.

nta - and if you're on a septic system, having 40 people use bathrooms when your system is designed for a family of five is going to cause disgusting, expensive problems.

nta! it’s the perfect solution for a large gathering. you’re offering your yard, not your house. i’d say portapotty or no deal.

if the board's objection is around the appearance of porta potties and feeling like people would be "insulted" by having to use them, maybe the board would be willing to pay for a restroom trailer instead. they're basically like normal bathrooms inside a trailer that you rent. i used one for the first time at an event recently and it was a totally different experience from using a porta potty. i have no idea what they cost, though. nta, of course. i think it's amazing of you to offer your property for this.

nta. we rent porta-potties for family reunions. no one has ever complained. we don't need that many people using the facilities in the house. everyone gets it. if this person needs fancier porta-potties, i'd be willing to bet that some company in your area rents the trailer kind with sinks and air conditioning.

BENIGN

it's my significant other (27m) birthday and i wanted to get him something that he'd really like. we're in a long distance relationship and it's hard to buy him things online, so i decided to make him an audiobook. i know he regularly listened to audiobooks, and he love to study the bible, so i made an audiobook of me reading him the gospel of matthew (where his favourite passage is), with music in the background, spend money to commission illustrations, etc. i was hoping that he'd like it, since he usually stay up late to copy or analyse the texts, and he often have headaches as well as problems with his eyes because of that (they hurt when he read something for too long or in unfavourable condition). well, it's his birthday and after wishing him happy birthday, i sent him my gift (link to the audiobook). i was already nervous not only because i don't know whether he'd like it, but also because i'm an atheist and i don't know if he'd be offended that i read this. his initial reaction was to laugh. then, he ask me if i was reading the bible, why did i chose that part, and if i understood anything. he proceeds to say that i should read the bible from the beginning because i wouldn't understand anything if i read it from the middle. he say he don't understand why i'm reading this, what is it for? if i wanted to make him an audiobook i should have read the whole thing instead of just a small part (i said it was too long since this is already a 3 hours audiobook). he then said, and i quote "look, i appreciate that you spent time to make this, but i have no use for this since you're just reading like a robot without understanding anything. i don't even know if you chose a translation that i liked". here's where i might be the asshole. i was feeling very hurt by his words, so i started an argument, telling him that it's alright that he doesn't like my gift and i'll just trash it. i deleted the link to the audiobook from the chat since he said he wouldn't listen to it, and told him that i'll get him another gift. he tried to to tell me to not be mad but i was too upset by then. he keeps telling me try to read the bible from the start to the end, and start quizzing me on some lines in the book to prove to me that i don't understand what i read at all. i told him to quit it and that i had enough of his bible, and he haven't said anything since. later on, when i calmed down, i felt bad that we argued on his birthday so i apologise to him. he still haven't replied to my message (but maybe he's asleep since it's quite late where he is). so reddit, aita for starting an argument with my significant other on his birthday and offend his religious belief? (half of our mutual friends are saying that i'm the asshole because he didn't ask for this gift and i should have swallow it down since it's his birthday, and i'm starting to feel like they're right about this)

aita for acting out because my so didn't like my gift and insist that i should read the bible instead?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wff6je/aita_for_acting_out_because_my_so_didnt_like_my/

2022-08-03 19:10:21

please just break up. you're incompatible; you're thoughtful and he's just an ass. nta

you're trying to respect his religious beliefs while maintaining your own... he's trying to convert you. nta

nta lemme get this straight. you spent 3 hours recording an audiobook, commissioned illustrations for it, add music, and he told you to do more? i would've been in tears receiving something with that much effort put into it. what you did was amazing, and he mocked your efforts. drop his ass and find something that appreciates even a quarter of that effort

nta. you obviously really tried to give a thoughtful gift to your boyfriend. after the time, money and effort you put in, he was a jerk about it. don’t bother getting him a replacement gift, he doesn’t deserve it.

nta, what a jerk he is though. he's accusing you of not understanding the bible, maybe he needs to reread the bits about gratitude and humility? this guy really boils down why i've never been able to get into christianity (or any religion based on a book). when we die, do we end up getting quizzed on scripture or are we judged on how we treated others? if the latter, then the bible's a guidebook and your boyfriend is losing the forest for the trees, if the former then frankly i don't care about spending eternity there. he's so obsessed with his own religious superiority that he made you feel like crap for your insanely thoughtful, wonderful gift. ask him how jesus would have acted toward you.

nta i just got a glimpse of your future if you stay with him and i promise it’s not fun.

nta! it's super-adorable that he thinks he's a christian. he is, in fact, a rude and ungrateful ah. run.

nta he should have graciously thanked you. then a couple days later told you what he didn’t like about it. op, he sounds insufferable. religion is his thing. i don’t thing y’all will mesh. i’d just move on from him. find yourself someone who shares more of your beliefs. trust me. i’m an atheist too.

nta. you tried to be thoughtful and he basically said that you weren't good enough. drop him like a hot potato and find someone who appreciates you.

nta. 🚩🚩🚩 he’s being rude and condescending not to mention the bible isn’t even in chronological order so why he wants you to read it from the start doesn’t really make sense. you spent a lot of time and energy on a very thoughtful gift. he could have just said thank you but nope… he turned it into an opportunity to be a jerk. run 🏃‍♀️

TOXIC

hello folks. buckle in for a doozie. my wife and i have been together since high school. when we were young, we wanted to get a boat and sail the world. little did we know, instead of doing a “pull and pray,” we should have just prayed for a dang boat. anyway, i went to school got some fancy degrees while the wife raised our first kid. had another when i graduated, and sprinkle in a couple more over the years. don’t get me wrong, we adore our kids. couldn’t love them more if we tried. my wife was the best wife and mom. we both knew we wanted.... more. they don’t call it middle aged, for nothing. our youngest ended up getting pregnant at 16 and we helped her out with the baby until she was about 21 and then she moved out. when she moved out, we made plans. we were going to sell our house, move down to florida, buy a condo and a house boat. i was gonna start a business with a buddy of mine down here and my wife was gonna run it. we sat our kids down and told them that we’re leaving and they all but had a fit and called us selfish. we’ve been interweaved with our kids and grandkids lives since all of their births. every birthday, every holiday, cut, bruises, scrapes — we’ve been there and now we want out, at least just for a little while. are we (my wife and i) assholes for wanting to disconnect from our families? for the record: an internet judgment means little to us. what we’re interested in, is a conversation about this. from our perspective, a lot of our friends are also leaving the midwest to go to florida without their adult children, so we don’t understand how we became the monsters for wanting to do the same.

aita for wanting to be part time grandparents?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i43mjv/aita_for_wanting_to_be_part_time_grandparents/

2020-08-05 11:30:49

nta. you made sure all of your kids were grown and on their feet and now you want to revisit your dream. absolutely nothing wrong with that.

nta, at all. you’re not being part time grandparents, you’re still the mom and dad and gramma and grandpa! you’ll just be doing it from a distance. as a parent myself i know my parenting “job” won’t ever end, but i also know that if my kids are happy and healthy adults i should be able to have a life separate from that role eventually. same for y’all! you’re not monsters. enjoy your lives. hopefully and eventually your kids accept it, and are able to understand you have lives beyond just the one they know you from as “parent” or “grandparent”. (edit for bad phrasing)

nta- it sounds like you went above and beyond as parents and that your children don’t want you to leave is a testament to that. if you sucked, they’d help you pack. people react out of fear, and you’ve always been there to fall back on. they’re afraid of being “alone.” but life is life and it’s past the time that they learn that the buck stops with them. i think this might be one of those occasions where time is the only medicine. they’ll be upset for a while. and that’s okay. it’s not your job to soothe every errant emotion anymore. it’s your life and you’ve been great, supportive parents, teaching them a lot and being there to help when times got hard. now it’s time to teach them that they’ll be okay on their own. they can also learn to lean on each other. they may be upset, but they’ll get over it and they’ll learn a lot in the process.

nta, i think that your children are forgetting that you are individuals with your own ambitions. you have done a lot for them and they are now fully formed independent adults. surely if the current siutuation that we are all living through proves that life is too short and that you are every bit entitled to enjoy the years that you have left. you are not monsters at all.

nta - it's your life to live as you want! i can also understand your children's fear, my parents are 60 now and have started considering retiring to florida, for at least part of the year. it's a little unnerving. my parents and my siblings and i all live within an hour of each other, and though we don't see each other daily we talk at least a couple times a week and see each other fairly often. mostly, i think it's fear of change. you and your wife have been the rocks for the family their entire lives, it's going to be completely different and it makes them unsure. let them know that you're still a phone call away, there's possibilities for vacations and visits and nowadays we even have video calls! maybe set up a tentative plan for visits for the first year and talk about major holidays and how they will be celebrated?

nta at all. your life your money. they'd be annoyed if you dictated where they lived. you've done your time. its your time to relax and do what you plesse!

nta for wanting to spend some golden years on your own. like omg yes these are the years to love... perhaps you guys created a few enmeshed relationships in the process which is why your children are doing this now that you want to move on?

nta. you did your time. why wouldn’t you be entitled to live your dream while you are still physically able? life is short; you deserve to do what will make you happy in your “golden years”. don’t allow entitled adult children to spoil it for you. enjoy!

nta- i don’t think retiring and moving to florida is disconnecting from your family. are you planning to never speak to your kids again, or not call your grand kids? i feel like you moving to fl gives them a built-in reason to visit fl.

nta. no offense but you put your dreams and wishes on hold for your children and now you have the chance to do as you like so i say go for it. you're not walking out of your kids and grandkids life forever, you two are adults have your own adventure and have fun.

BENIGN

i'm a north american living in a country in east asia. because i'm married to a citizen of this country, i can take free language classes offered by the city twice a week. i'm in my third semester. next week will be our final exam. our class is made up of 70% other east asian countries, one southeast asian, and one central american. i considered the central american my good friend, we met in the second semester and would study together twice a week. throughout this third semester, my teacher has been getting under my skin for making rude, snarky comments about our lives. i feel like she especially likes to target me. she would say things to me that made me feel dumb, and point out infront of everyone how far behind i am and i should study harder if i truly want to learn the language. some of the things she's said to me in class: "what?? you only understand 30%??? but everyone else understands at least 90%. right everyone?? this isn't that hard?!" "you look tired today... *gasp* are you pregnant?!" "when are you going to have children? you have too many cats and no children. are your in-laws okay with that??" i could go on. i used to think she was nice. but after this incident, i'm not sure anymore. a few weeks ago my 2 month old kitten unexpectedly died. i skipped 2 days of class to mourn my loss. i messaged the class group chat that i would be absent. then i privately messaged my teacher that my kitten had died and that was that. this week i was having problems with my mom and was really overwhelmed. so i messaged the group chat that i would be absent and the teacher immediately responded with, "your cat died again?" i was shocked. so i took a screen shot and sent it to my husband. i told him that i felt that comment was rude and unnecessary. my husband was so angry and said that was nasty and unprofessional of her. he immediately called her employer and complained about what she wrote in the group chat. i noticed that she went back and deleted the message. my husband sent her employer the screen shot. they apologized profusely and assured my husband they would handle it. the teacher sent me a text message apology that my husband said was disingenuous and forced. the central american called me today asking me to apologize to the teacher and inform her employer it was all a miss understanding. apparently, the teacher had called her this morning to ask her to talk to me and told her that i shouldn't have jeopardized her (part-time) job like that, and that it made her look bad infront of everyone at work. i can confirm that i am not hurting her livelihood because she has bragged more than once in class that she has a rich husband and only teaches as a hobby and to do a good deed. the central american and i argued for a while. i even told her this wasn't any of her business and that the teacher shouldn't have involved her. now we aren't speaking, but her words made me rethink. aita?

aita for jeopardizing my teacher's job after she offended me?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z1l18q/aita_for_jeopardizing_my_teachers_job_after_she/

2022-11-22 05:08:03

nta. the teacher is manipulating your friend, i don't get why your friend would fall for it, but i would just ignore her opinion, you were the one victim to the teacher's bullying, not the friend. also, what's wrong with those native teachers to foreigners in some countries? at least three friends of mine had the same exactly experience you had in different countries. it seems like some people use their advantage in some language to humiliate and be rude to students—students who are paying them to learn a language and not to be bullied. you did the right by showing her boss what she said to you. she is just experiencing consequences of her unprofessional actions.

nta. the teacher got in trouble for what she did, not for what you did.

nta she made her bed by being unprofessional, maybe a different job would be better suited to her, also drop the friend if she was really your friend she wouldn’t be helping out the teacher.

nta this teacher should have just kept her comments to herself

nta. play stupid games, win stupid prizes. i hope they fire her.

nta. i would foward the additional info, about her asking your classmate to speak to you, to the employer as well. she needs to take some cultural sensitivity classes, if she wants to be in that kind of teaching field. if she wants to loom good in front of her employer, then she needs step her game up with how she's received by her students.

nta, especially with her deleting her own comments. she’s chosen to repeatedly tease and bully you, in front of other students, and especially cruelly about the loss of your kitten. it’s unprofessional and unethical behaviour and nobody should be giving you any grief about reporting it. i’m sorry about the loss of your little kitten. ❤️

nta. tell central american you won’t interfere with her going to employer and saying she had good experience with teacher because that’s her truth. but you know your truth and won’t lie about your own experience.

nta. teaching is a work of helping others learn and grow. it seems like your teacher was using it as a way to feel superior and better about herself. she didn't "offend" you, she bullied you and your "friend" gaslit you into thinking you were overreacting. that "friend" sucks and has to go if she thinks that exposing the teacher for her terrible actions is worse than the public bullying you had to endure.

>i can confirm that i am not hurting her livelihood because she has bragged more than once in class that she has a rich husband and only teaches as a hobby and to do a good deed. she may have said that she has a rich husband, but it might be less than truthful. she's either losing money that she can't afford to lose, or she's bringing shame to her household - or both. neither situation is your fault. nta.

BENIGN

i hate a certain person, and he hates me back. recently i broke something of his which was a mug. ok fine, i was willing to pay for it, i evaluated it and got a second opinion and it measured around 20 dollars. it wasn't that expensive. however when i gave him the money, he started complaining and whining how the *sentimental value* was worth a lot more, and i would have to pay 100 dollars. i told him no, and while granted i did have the money, there was no way of measuring sentimental value and the actual value was 20 dollars most. i gave him 20 dollars and wished him the best. remember that this same guy comes back to me, and he and his friends ask if i can do their group project for them. me specifically was tasked for something like this because it was pretty much all one huge document and a power point. i told him sure, for a fee of 75 dollars (mainly because it was a huge project). everyone agreed come 3 days before the presentation i show him the document in physical form and asked what he thought. they all loved it and was obviously going to get an a. not only that, it was pretty much their only option because they couldn't make their own project this late in the game. so i took back the physical document and gave them a flash drive which contained the powerpoint and a pdf of the document (and i was gonna link google doc later that night). he then exchanged an envelope for the flash drive which is supposed to have my money in it. low and behold, it had a note instead saying this that he doesn't owe me jack shit because of the time i broke his mug. he claims we are now even. i let him believe that there actually was anything of value in that flash drive as i knew he would pull something like that. this was more precaution than it was spite, because i assumed he would demand the project first without paying, and if that did happen, what am i gonna do, tell someone i did his work for him? he came running back the next day, and for real we exchanged. i'm just glad i got my money in the end now i didn't feel too bad until word got out and everyone is saying i did dirty. regardless of whether he was right or not, some people say i shouldn't have played him like that. i essentially blackmailed him near the end and i admit i was mocking him a bit. but was i within my right too? i know there was no written contract but i feel like i might be in my own ego too much. aita?

aita for blackmailing someone into paying me for their project?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ijffav/aita_for_blackmailing_someone_into_paying_me_for/

2020-08-30 16:24:01

nta, you weren't blackmailing him. you would be if you were threatning to tell on him. you just safe-guarded against him not paying, and guess what? he attempted it. yet again, doing work for a guy you spite? i wouldn't do it at all.

nta in my view. you didn’t break the mug deliberately, so that breakage is a separate issue. he tried to steal from you, and you (being the better businessman or woman) withheld the product until full payment was made. you did not have an agreement about the mug, although you honestly feel you have paid for the damage. you did have an agreement about the presentation which was that you would be paid for your work, and he welched on that deal. good for you.

hmmm.... nta. while i think you shouldn’t do their work for them, i am guilty of accepting payments for writing papers, too. it’s a hustle. you paid the guy what the mug was worth. he was just trying to scam you for more money, tried to guilt trip you, it didn’t work. you agreed to do the project for $75, and assumed he wouldn’t give it to you. if you don’t pay for the service, you don’t get it. kind of like a photographer. you have to pay the price in order to receive your pictures. yeah, you’re nta. and i’d cut this guy out of your life.

esh. the other guy sucks for wanting an extra $80 in sentimental value. he also sucks for trying to scam you out of doing his work for no money. you, however, shouldn't do someone else's work for them, regardless of whether or not you got paid for it.

nta! i legit clapped at the second-to-last paragraph. now, that's what i call chess! you anticipated your opponent's move and put in a countermeasure. for the people who are saying you shouldn't have played him like that, remind them that he tried to play you first. this might have turned out different if he did intend on an honest exchange but, you probably know him better that everyone else and knew that that was probably not what was going to happen. you didn't blackmail him, all you did was force him to honor the terms of the original agreement. i tip my hat to you sir.

esh, stop devaluing everyone elses education by doing other peoples work.

esh, every action here seems to be done with spite and malice except the breaking of the mug (i'm assuming)

esh. don’t hang out with people you hate and do your own goddamn work.

nta, you paid for the thing that you broke, you did your part. he tried to stiff you out of money you were owed, for a service you were providing him. he's an immature asshole.

nta. he was trying to stiff you, he deserved to get screwed over like that

BENIGN

aita. i don’t want to take care of my husband anymore. my husband has a herniated disc and a bad knee. he is in pain often, has had to get multiple nerve blocks, ect. when he hurts, he is pretty much laid out for the day. also, he is using so much aleve, that it is causing chronic gastritis and other health issues. the problem i have is that he continues to run! the doctors and i have told him to find a different form of exercise, as it just exacerbates the injuries. he refuses. he’ll run, then not be able to get off the couch for 2 days, which leaves me having to be his nurse and maid. i’ve had to take time off work to care for him and take him to various appointments. he can’t do anything around the house, which leaves me to do all the child care, cooking, cleaning, ect. but as soon as he feels remotely better, he goes for a 3-4 mile jog. he works from home on his computer, so he does work, but so do i. we finally had a blow out fight about it. i told him i wasn’t going to continue to care for him, if he continued to defy medical advice. i can’t be the maid and sole caregiver to a man in his 40s, when these exacerbation can be avoided. he says i am being selfish and not caring. if this were something he couldn’t control, or if he followed the doctor’s advice, of course, i would take care of him. for better or worse, right?? but i’m fed up. am i the asshole?

aita. i don’t want to care for my husband anymore.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h893sz/aita_i_dont_want_to_care_for_my_husband_anymore/

2020-06-13 15:00:43

nta - i understand in sickness and health, but that doesnt mean "in self-inflicted sickness". he needs to understand that there are other forms of exercise to do cardio that will not put him out of commission for days.

nta. he's being really irresponsible. i completely support the whole "for better or for worse" concept, but while that entails looking after someone when they're injured, it does not entail *repeatedly looking after someone when they repeatedly, conscientiously injure themselves.* there are also loads of other exercises he could do that would be good for him, like swimming or just walking.

nta speaking as someone with herniated discs, double "s" scoliosis, and who's had a neck fusion with several blocks and rhizotomies, your husband is going to permanently injure his back! what he is doing is unfair to both of you and completely selfish. he should be seeking physical therapy to find out what exercises he can do safely. in the meantime, if it were me, i'd go on a "caregiver strike" every time he deliberately puts himself out.

nta. he won't take care of himself, why should you?

nta- it isn't just the issue of you having to care for him. it's also the issue that he might be causing himself long term damage by running when he's not supposed to. stand firm in not nursing him after he's hurt himself because of jogging, but support him in finding another form of exercise.

nta. what a complicated place to be for both of you. i think couples therapy is a must. your husband has to grieve the loss of his beloved hobby and come to appreciate his wife. that probably won't happen without professional help because he is probably angry that his body is betraying him and can't see beyond that. he is sabotaging his health and your relationship. put your foot down and ask for therapy if he wants to save your marriage. he can't see what he is doing.

nta - he is being selfish. you shouldnt have to take care of him if he refuses to take care of himself. i get that he loves running, but it's time to chose a different hobby.

nta. a different perspective on him, though: most answers talk about his favorite hobby of running, and fear of loss of autonomy, etc. however, to me this sounds more potentially like münchausen syndrome: he may make himself sick in order to get the attention and fussing over him that you do, which would also explain the anger over your stepping back. most normal people try not to be a bother. munchausen folks want to be a bother. he may not be consciously aware of it either; he may just subconsciously understand that if he runs, he gets your undivided attention and “proof you love him” for a day or two, and the pain is just a side effect. whether or not this is accurate, i definitely agree on the need for therapy. and the need to put the consequences of his actions back on his shoulders instead of your shouldering it all the time.

nta. he is ta for continuing to destroy his body against medical advice and for leaving you to do everything around the house. he could switch his exercise but he is the selfish one who is unwilling to change. maybe if he has to care for himself during the next exacerbation he will change his ways. sounds like you are taken for granted.

nta. you are his partner. it is supposed to be an equal partnership; not one person doing whatever the fuck they want whilst the other one deals with all the crap.

BENIGN

okay so my bf (26m) and myself (27f) have lived together for over a year, we both work full-time and i wish we could say we both did housework, but we dont. initially when we first moved in together i was on medical leave for 15 weeks due to a surgery. so i handled all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, meal planning, ect. the only "chores" he had was taking out the garbage (that i'd taken out of the can and tied bags off, replacing the trashbags) and picking up dog poop in the backyard. when i went back to work it was part time at first, so while i still did 99% of it i had made it clear he needed to be helping out more. now nearly 8 months since i've started working full-time he still isnt doing anything beyond garbage (and only after i've reminded him 500 times) and dog poop but since it's winter he doesn't have to. we've talked about this multiple times but his logic is that since i have slightly higher standards than his he doesn't wanna bother, and i remind him that i dont expect much but if he wants me to be a housewife he needs to support us both like i am one. i am getting very frustrated and i feel really unappreciated and a bit burnt out, i spend my entire day working as a nanny then i have to come home and cook and clean. i want to quit cleaning till my bf gets the message and helps. even if he just took on dokng dishes after dinner, and wiped down the stove and counters i'd be thrilled. so am i the asshole for going on strike to drive my point home?

aita for not wanting to do anymore housework

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eywrxx/aita_for_not_wanting_to_do_anymore_housework/

2020-02-04 20:47:44

nta you don't have a bf, you have a kid. enjoy.

nta but fair warning that if he's unwilling to do basic cleaning normally, he probably won't notice until you're well past the point where you want to live there at all.

nta - but this isn't going to change. either you accept that this will be your dynamic if married or you decide this isn't the life for you and find someone who doesn't mind helping. do you want to be a partner or a parent? striking is passive aggressive. decide what you want and how to make that happen. that may not include your bf.

nta - he's taking advantage of you and you know it. if you don't want to be treated like you're his maid, stop acting like it. stop cooking for him and doing all the cleaning. take care of your stuff and your stuff only and see how he likes that.

nta- make a meal for yourself and only clean up after yourself. he'll get the picture.

nta. another woman who had this problem posted an update on here recently; she went on strike, doing nothing except checking (when he wasn't looking) to make sure their animals were being cared for. it was a great success. he ended up doing housework and being more considerate of her as well. it's either that or be an unpaid live-in servant for a boy who refuses to grow up.

nta. this isn't the 1950s and you're not his housewife. he should be doing 50% of the labor at home.

nta (based on below op reply) *have you sat down and actually had a full conversation with him expressing how you are feeling and your frustration? just like you laid it out here?*

nta but understand that going on strike may backfire. he sounds immature enough to let it get disgusting and then you'll cave in bc it's inhabitable and now you just made so much more work for yourself. honestly, i would have one more come to jesus talk with him. if he still refuses and treats you as if you were his mother or his maid rather than his partner and roommate... i wouldn't bring it up again. but i would definitely start apartment shopping. i would continue keeping the house where you can stand it as far as cleanliness level, make him think that you caved if that's what he wants to think. and when lease time comes around tell him bye! and get a new place you can keep clean and let him fend for himself or hire a miad. y'all can either stay a couple but live separately or break up and live separately but obviously he's not seeing any incentive to change and is taking advantage of you.

nta he's treating you with complete disrespect. he's a grown man and you're not his mother- he shouldn't expect you to do everything. also, even if you were at home, why was he letting someone who'd just has surgery do all the chores? sounds immature and he needs to grow up and take on some responsibilities.

BENIGN

okay so for context, i'm currently on a greyhound bus bc i'm broke and it's cheaper than flying. we just left a major station a few hours ago. my trip was last minute and i didn't have any snacks to bring. i had a little loose change and bought myself a small snack-sized bag of chips from the vending machine at the station bc it was all i had money for and i don't trust the card readers on those things. there's not a lot of chips in the bag but whatever. i finally decided to open them and eat them because i'm hungry and i left my home location at 10 this morning and haven't eaten til now. but the lady a row behind me on the other side (i'm right she's left) began badgering me and asking me if i could give the chips to her son. i just kind of didn't know how to react and was just like "i'm sorry, what?" she reiterated that she wanted me to give her sin my whole bag of chips. i tried my best to be polite and tell her that this was all i'd eaten today and that i was almost halfway through with them. she then said that her son being hungry was more important than me being hungry, and made a jab at my weight (i'm a fat guy) and how i shouldn't be eating those chips anyway. i just plugged in my headphones but i felt bad bc the kid was telling his mom that he was hungry and telling her to hurry up and get him my chips, but like. she could have bought him something? i kind of don't want to reward that behavior from either of them, but i also feel like an asshole for denying a kid food when he is hungry. and also i'm hungry and they're my chips.

aita for not sharing my chips with a stranger's kid?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rjnh6o/aita_for_not_sharing_my_chips_with_a_strangers_kid/

2021-12-19 03:12:46

nta. maybe you're overweight, but as you said, they're your chips. you got it with your money, and you haven't eaten anything the whole day. mom should've taken better care of her kid and fed him before a super long ride.

nta that mom is raising a little entitled sod

nta. the mother should have had food for her child. i never go anywhere without snacks for my children

nta. my response in these kinds of situations is, "lady, if i wanted to be responsible for your kids, i woulda fucked you myself." just curious wibta lmao.

nta your not obligated to give your chips away if her child was hungry it's the parent responsibility to make sure her kid has something to eat sounds like an entitled mom

nta. you didn't deny a hungry kid their food. you denied an entitled woman yours.

nta seriously? she wants you to feed her child when she couldn't be bothered to bring him and/or buy him something? then to go on and make comments about your weight to top it off? did she really expect that to work? i just don't understand how someone can be so ignorant & entitled

nta you really shouldn’t be surprised with anything that happens on a greyhound bus.

nta - i get the struggle of a long bus ride with a child, but poor planning on that woman's part doesn't constitute an emergency on your part. especially when that particular bus line has virtually no limitations on what food can be brought on the bus as a carry on.

nta your chips are your chips. if you had extra to share and were asked nicely, that would be a whole different scenario. but based on the situation as you have described it, you're definitely not an ah to refuse to share. i really feel for that kid, growing up with a mom who will treat strangers like this.

BENIGN

i am a graduate student in illinois. i sometimes hang out with a few international students from india and pakistan. i was invited to go to a local indian restaurant to eat with 5 friends. when we arrived at the restaurant we ordered food. it seemed like most of the table ordered food to share instead of just for themselves. i just ordered for myself as that is what i normally do when i go out to eat. during the course of the meal, several of the people offered to share some of their food with me. at the time, i thought it was so i could try new food. i initially declined saying "i would like to eat just my food". as the evening continued the friends continued to ask me to try their food. after the fourth time asking, i agreed. as we left one of the friends said she would pay for the table and we would pay her back. a few days later, i was asked to pay $35 for my portion of the bill. the total bill for the table was $75. my meal was $15. what happened was they expected me to pay half of everything i tried. which i thought was unfair due to them offering it to me several times. i asked my friend about this and was told that is what they do. i paid what i was told i owed but came across as very annoyed about it during the discussion about it. i told them that since i was offered the food i should not be expected to pay it. what do you guys think? is it simply a cultural or communication issue?

aita for being annoyed on how the check was split?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g3f0rb/aita_for_being_annoyed_on_how_the_check_was_split/

2020-04-18 01:31:53

nta. they took advantage of you. cultural or not, that is just wrong. sorry you have shitty friends.

> eat with 5 friends. > >i was asked to pay $35 for my portion of the bill. the total bill for the table was $75. my meal was $15. it's not unfair because they talked you into it, it's unfair because you clearly got scammed. if it's a cultural thing, then fairly you would pay for your $15 plus 1/6th of the remaining, (for a total of $25). if you also shared your food with them, it should be 1/6th of the final bill ($13). it's annoying enough that they apparently switched to a different method of payment than standard at the end, after you've already eaten, but that's not even the main problem. i'd be annoyed, you paid for almost half of a table of six's food, and they called that fair. nta.

nta honestly i think you got scammed buddy lol. next time i guess you have to clarify how the bill will be split before you start eating, thats tacky but they got tacky first.

nta. they scammed you simple as

nta, not an expert in india or pakistan's customs but thats not how we split checks and if you offer to share your food you shouldn't do so if you are expecting payment. it's probably a misunderstanding. that being said if i were going out with friends for a meal i wouldn't let $20 cause a conflict. give and take, if you feel like they're just taking advantage you know what to do.

nta. i think they used you. i have friends from pakistan and india, too. we’ve always just paid for the food we individually ordered or split the bill evenly. i’d rethink these “friendships.”

nta. your ‘friends’ are though.

nta: im indian i absolutely wouldn't pay for all of it. hell no. thats her fault. u dont need to pay her over.

i lived in india for three years. sharing food is definitely really common but we always split the check evenly regardless of who ordered what or ate what. sounds like your friends are taking advantage of you. nta.

nta they definitely took advantage. $75 split between 5 people is no where near $35? even if they tipped 20% on top of that and it’s not included, it only adds $3 to your $15 share.

BENIGN

so this is about my sister-in-law, let's just call her b. so b is actually uncomfortable about my mom being in the delivery room, but my brother, let's call him d, apparently had a two hour conversation with b on why he wants my mom in the delivery room. b does not like this at all and has confided in me multiple times that it makes her uncomfortable. ​ my mom has repeatedly said that she will be in the delivery room no matter what, going as far as to say b can have one person in the room from her family but she was going to be in the room regardless. i'm worried that my mom, knowing her personality, will possibly ruin the moment for b and d. she's very critical, blunt, and can be rude in a lot of situations that leads me to believe she shouldn't be in the room. on top of the fact; b is uncomfortable with it, and my mom is not her mother. it should be b's choice when it comes to her comfort on giving birth. ​ am i the asshole in this situation? should i mind my business? edit #1 : when d had a baby with his previous girlfriend, the nurses and doctors kept telling my mom to leave the delivery room and she refused to leave, they did not attempt to remove her from the room physically, so she got to stay. ​

aita for thinking my mom shouldn't be in the delivery room?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/atwlcx/aita_for_thinking_my_mom_shouldnt_be_in_the/

2019-02-23 15:33:17

yikes! nta: but let me tell you, you may be painted out as one if your mom doesn’t get her way..if your sil doesn’t want her in the room i personally feel like that’s her choice because she’s the one in labor. i also don’t think they’ll(the hospital) even allow her in the room if she doesn’t want her there. either way it’s going to get kinda messy and messy pretty fast. best of luck.

nta- your mom and brother are assholes. big ones. generally the rule is the woman who squeezes out the baby picks who attends the birth. it’s not a spectator sport. in your shoes, i’d tell your brother to grow a pair and stop being such a jerk to his girlfriend, otherwise she might also become an ex. he needs to stop giving in to his mommy’s demands and consider what the purpose and what’s happening in a delivery room. stress can stall labor and end in emergencies.

nta, your mom is. you could see if b can have the doctors take the blame for disallowing your mom. as for your brother-it's his wife that's having the baby. it's an extremely important moment, but it's her body/privacy/moment too. do your best to support b and talk some sense into your brother. your mom seems too far gone.

nta tell your sister-in-law to tell their ob/gyn (i think that's the doctor that will be delivering the baby) to not allow anyone in the delivery room except specific people (like her husband only is allowed, or her husband and her sister or something, but nobody else). the hospital staff should easily accommodate, especially because having unwanted people in the room could cause undue stress on the woman giving birth and that could be bad for both her and the new baby.

you're not the asshole (and your mom and brother are) giving birth is probably the most emotional, vulnerable, private experience a woman can have. brother is trying to bully his wife into allowing his mom to be in the delivery room, essentially treating his wife like an object or slave, completely devoid of value as a human being. talk to your sil. the hospital will almost certainly accomodate the patient's desires on this. she probably can have security enforce her desire to keep her mil out of the delivery room, and to make her and baby safer, she should. stress, fear, anger, etc. can severely compromise childbirth. if brother won't protect sil and their baby, the hospital probably will. and sil should drag brother off to couple's counseling to address his immaturity and learn to be a decent husband and father. meanwhile, your mom is a horrendous bully whose bad behavior is a threat to your brother's marriage as well as the health and well-being of his wife and baby. she should be corralled by her entire family for the sake of these deserving people.

nta. tell your brother to smarten up and listen to his wife. she's the one who will be exposed and going through labour. tell them not to notify family when they are going to the hospital. they can message them after the baby has been delivered

nta (your mom, however, is definitely an asshole in this case, imo). if your sister inlaw truly wants your mom to stay out of the delivery room, she can tell the hospital staff as much and your mom will be banned from the delivery room. my brother and his wife gave birth back in december and at this specific hospital, they had to give a list of preapproved visitors so that anyone who was not preapproved didn't get an id tag (the maternity ward required an id card to enter, it remained locked otherwise 24/7). they could at any time revoke the id card by telling a nurse (who i'm assuming would escalate it up the chain of command to whomever handled that, presumably security). if your mom doesn't learn to respect her daughter in-laws wishes, she may rapidly find herself banned from seeing the baby at the hospital altogether - and your brother may join her if he doesn't support his wife (yes, the one delivering can absolute choose to have the father banned from the delivery room too). edit (after seeing op's addition): if i were your sister in-law, i would absolutely warn hospital staff ahead of time that your mother is not to be allowed in the delivery room and to have security on hand, since she is notorious for trying to do what she wants regardless. the last thing maternal/fetal staff wants is a stressed out mama and baby, so chances are they have procedures in place for this very situation.

nta. your poor sil. giving birth is a medical procedure and your sil absolutely has the right to decide who will be in the room. she can also advise hospital staff as to who should not be in the room. that being said, it sounds like there is quite a bit of boundary crossing in your family dynamic and you may sadly get swept up in this drama if you press the point. it is ultimately your brother who should have set and maintained a clear boundary with your mom on this issue.

nta. please have a look at r/justnomil b should go there. your brother and mom are being terrible.

definitely nta - your brother is the ah he needs to read the [lemon clot essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this) to have an idea of how this is going to impact her. furthermore considering he is so selfish (your mom is totally the ah here too btw) as to force his own wants and desires over the person who is actually having the baby, i’m not surprised that the last woman he had a child with is an ex. your brother needs to grow up, cut the umbilical cord with mommy and actually put his baby and significant other first, or else i’m guessing she’ll be an ex too. poor girl needs to stand up for herself too, she is in for a world of hurt if she can’t advocate for herself (and the future baby too). she can tell the drs and hospital staff not to allow anyone in and about mils previous behavior. mil and your brother don’t even need to know she made the request the drs can say it’s for medical reasons. if she truly can’t make that request, and your brother won’t support her, maybe you can take your mom out shopping or something during the labor and be the driver to trap her elsewhere so she can’t go intrude? best of luck to you guys!

BENIGN

i only found out 3 months ago who my real biological father is. we had dinner last month and he invited my late mother’s brother who i hadn’t seen since i was 5 because that’s when i started living with my aunt and her husband, and they weren’t speaking until 3 months ago. the dinner was incredibly awkward and i had a lot of questions i wanted answered but i didn’t know how to ask. one of the questions i wanted answered was whether my uncle knew about the relationship between my biological father and mother before he started working with him and before he chose him over his own family. i didn’t have the bottle to ask but my husband did. he could see i was feeling uncomfortable when they kept trying to drag me into conversation so to take the attention away from me he turned to my uncle and asked if he knew his boss was fucking his little sister before he became his boss. it pretty much was the end of dinner because everybody was furious and he was finding it hilarious. my biological father and his family want me to come for dinner again but they don’t want me to bring my husband because of what happened the last time. now, i can’t go without him because he helps when things get too much for me so i told them i wouldn’t come unless he could come too. now they’re upset with me for forcing them to invite him and i know my half-brother has been arguing with my husband over texts for the last few days because of it. aita?

aita for refusing to go to dinner with my biological father and his family without my husband even after what he did the last time?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w1e32z/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_dinner_with_my/

2022-07-17 18:36:35

nta, but a recommended slight rewording next time. not: >i won't come unless you invite my husband also. but instead: >since the invitation doesn't include my husband, i'll take a pass. some other time perhaps. the difference is that there's no argument. you've already declined the invitation. over and done.

nta. they have no right to ask anything of you after being out of your life for so long. you want your husband there, you should have him there.

nta. your bio father and his family want a relationship only on their terms. your husband's presence prevents them from ignoring the things important to you. stand firm.

nta. you felt uncomfortable and nervous and it is perfectly reasonable to want someone there for support. after being out of your life for so long, they don't get to dictate the circumstances of reconnecting.

nta. your husband is part of your family. meeting long lost relatives is a lot to process. it’s perfectly reasonable to want to have emotional support/re-enforcements with you. but given that this is a new relationship, maybe ask your husband to be a little less blunt?

nta so you're an adult now and they missed out on child-rearing and all the important stuff of watching you grow into the person you are today. three months ago you discover all this info and agree to a meal including an uncle who seemed to abandon you also. you felt anxious, you wanted to ask a question and you're husband point blank asked. it made them uncomfortable. so very sad. i'm being sarcastic here. their drama created this discomfort and it's too bad they don't like that your husband cares enough about you to pick up how you were feeling and getting to the point at hand. good for him. he's a keeper! he's a part of your life.. if they want to be a part of yours, then he is a part of the package. stand your ground.

nta. i'm with your husband thinking his question was perfect, and hilarious, in the moment. you know he's got your back and isn't interested in a revisionist history, which would be one of my fears in your situation. the new "old" people in your life are interested in looking their best for how they turned out, and i get that, but if they're not owning the shitty behaviour of their past up to the light as well, they can't reasonably expect to build a relationship of any quality or sincerity with you. keep bringing your husband, and let the "family" know that you and he both will be asking those awkward questions that they want to gloss over.

nta it's not like they can claim high moral ground in this situation. it's pretty obvious that you need some support dealing with your suddenly found "family". however you look at it, you're the injured party, so it's you who should be able to set the rules for your meetings. your husband asked a valid question, they just don't want to answer it, but come on, they should've expected something along those lines. please ask yourself what they actually want from you all of the sudden and if having them in your life is worth the drama.

nta - you get to chose the terms on joining them for dinner; especially given the circumstance. infact, why can't the bio-dad answer the question on the phone? fact is fact. a dinner setting can be very restrictive and not conducive to the conversation they/you want to have. best to you.

esh. your husband is a huge asshole for behaving that way. if he wanted to take the attention off of you, the person they were interested in getting to know, he could have asked them normal questions about themselves, not purposely asked something so inappropriate for the setting. while the question should be answered, it should have been asked in a more appropriate setting. they suck for their past stuff. you suck for trying to make them put up with your husband’s shitty behavior again. he’s not “helping” by causing trouble. helping would have been asking people about their hobbies or interests.

BENIGN

my (f19) uncle (m44) is an asshole, no question. he mooches off my grandparents, has cheated in two out of three marriages, can't keep a job, dealt drugs for a while, berates my disabled aunt (f39) and has both physically and verbally assaulted my dad (m42) on multiple occasions. however, my family largely ignores it because "he's family" and they're all about love and forgiveness and seem to be hoping that he'll go back to being the sweet kid he used to be before he got into the wrong crowd in college. whatever, that's their business if they want to let him act however he wants, but after i moved out for uni i simply wouldn't engage with him. i didn't speak with him for the holidays and politely declined the invitation to go to his wife's (f23) graduation party. but when i visited my dad for his birthday on sunday, guess who was sitting with his feet up on the couch chatting on his phone like a teenager in a 90's movie. i didn't say anything and tried to ignore him as best i could because i didn't want to make a fuss during my dad's party. this was fine until almost everyone had left and it was only me, my dad, my aunt, her son (m14), and him. then my aunt asked me to get her an oxygen tank from the living room and i just got up to do it, but when i came back my uncle had started asking my aunt why she always had to "burden" everyone else with her disability and she'd started tearing up and asking him to not shout in front of her son. he just kept being obnoxious and when i went to hand her the tank he asked why i'm "enabling" her when she can just "get up and do it herself" and i snapped and said something along the lines of "why does everybody else enable you? you can just get off your ass" and everybody got quiet. granted, i'd barely said anything the whole night so it might have been a bit jarring but my dad immediately looked pissed off. my uncle started shouting about disrespect while i just grabbed my things, told him i wasn't getting into this and left, receiving many angry voicemails/messages with the rest of his rant later. (i did eventually respond to some of his ruder texts with equal energy but that was mostly because it was like 1-2 am and he kept blowing up my phone + i was tired) yesterday my dad called me to lecture me about my behavior and i got upset again, asking him why he let my uncle walk all over him and my aunt like that. we bickered for a bit before he hung up on me because the conversation was going nowhere. aita?

aita for not toeing the family line in terms of dealing with my ah uncle?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/siddqj/aita_for_not_toeing_the_family_line_in_terms_of/

2022-02-02 02:49:37

nta. pretty interesting that your dad can stand up to you, but not for you. the family seems to operate based on pecking order and not mutual respect, which is a pretty tough mindset to change. sorry your family sucks.

nta if you don’t want contact with him block him on your phone decline all events he will attend. just because your parents want contact with him doesn’t mean you have to.

a massive nta. your doing something that should have been done by your family, a long time ago. don’t back down to this fucker, keep calling him out.

nta - good for you for standing up for your aunt. your father should be ashamed!

nta. your family is for allowing this.

definitely nta. good for you! you just said what i'm sure a lot of people were thinking.

nta. you're right to not put up with his garbage. there is zero reason to tolerate people like that.

nta. someone needed to say it.

nta, but at this point nothing yo i say is going to affect how they enable him, or him being a jerk. just refuse to engage and move on.

nta. your dad is running off of trauma responses. good for you for not taking his shit.

BENIGN

on mobile... title sounds worse, the details are important so please read the whole post. a friend of a friend is a hair stylist. she used to work in a salon but was let go when covid forced our state to go on lock down. i hadn't had a haircut or anything done to my hair since february and was complaining to my friend. she suggested i have her friend, the hs, come to my house and do my hair. i contacted hs to ask if she was willing to do this and her pricing for a haircut and hilights. she gave me a price and told me that i would need to get the coloring supplies. i was fine with all this. the day of she showed up on time and was super nice. i had purchased a cape, a mixing bowl, brush, foils, developer, bleach, a high-lift color and two different toners. i figured the ones she didn't use i could just return as i wasn't entirely sure which she would prefer. she did my hair, we chatted and had some wine. everything went smoothly, in my opinion. while she was cleaning up i noticed that she had packed up everything i purchased including the extras that weren't used. i was a little peeved but i wasn't going to use it and would probably have only gotten $15 if i returned it, so i didn't say anything. i pay her the quoted amount and thank her for everything. she said call her again in a few months. i think everything is fine but about 2 hours later i get a call from my friend berating me for not tipping hs 20% on top of her price. i was taken aback because i felt like the amount i paid her was basically all profit, aside from the gas it cost to come over, and she kept everything i purchased including an unused color, toner and a bottle of developer. if she felt her price wasn't enough for her time, then she should have quoted higher. because i know everyone will ask, she charged me $120 and was here for about 1.5 hours. she said that didn't matter and you should always tip when receiving services. my friends are split on this. some side with me and some say i'm the ah. so reddit, am i the ah here?

aitah for not tipping my hair stylist?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jxqtda/aitah_for_not_tipping_my_hair_stylist/

2020-11-20 15:16:05

nta - she wasn't working in a salon and paying booth rental. she quoted you a price, came to your house, and you paid what was quoted. look at it like this, would you tip a plumber or electrician 20% after they finished the work and you paid the price they quoted?

nta. she charged you what many hs would charge for similar services in a salon but you supplied the materials yourself. she then benefitted by taking the leftovers. as she's a self-employed hs i see no obligation to tip as she can set her own prices and there's no employer or salon taking a cut of her profits. i definitely wouldn't have tipped either after she took the extra materials.

nta - you paid her the asked price for her services and gave her your materials. the idea that everyone needs to be tipped for everything is ridiculous. 20% is also a big price jump when you provided everything.

nta. former hairstylist here, i would never make house calls and expect my clients to supply everything needed for their session. if you hadn’t had to purchase anything and she provided everything for the service, that’s one thing, but in this instance since she took the supplies you bought, it’s a bit greedy to expect a tip.

nta - former stylist here. it's weird that she would ask you to buy a cape, bowls, brushes, and foil. if i was doing a hair service at someone's house, i would bring all of that with me. getting you to buy the color is not weird, but she should've left the remaining stuff behind. did she take everything? color bowls, brushes, cape, etc? if she did, that's super weird, since that stuff didn't belong to her. and now that she has it, she can use that on other people without having to buy them for herself. she should consider that her tip. you probably should've said something while she was packing it all up, though, if you didn't want her to take it.

nta because she essentially took around 10-12% of her fee worth of your products. also the amount she charged you was purely for her time and travel as she doesn’t have to pay the salon their chair rental/fee and she didn’t supply any products. normally i am a big tipper. i probably would have spoken up as she was packing up to ask if she would prefer to take the supplies or if she would like a tip instead so she understood it was either or and not “both”.

nta, the supplies that the hs stole is the tip. more than enough, imo.

nta you should confront the hairstylist and tell her why you didn’t tip her and that’s cause she pocketed all your equipment that you bought. i wouldn’t go with her again she seems problematic for one and she simply doesn’t know how to communicate instead she gossips.

nta. you bought the product and she stole it. i would have stopped her and demanded she leave my stuff. the product she stole is plenty tip. tbh that would be a phone call back to her asking why shes mad and to return your stuff or pay for it.

not only did she make you buy her supplies but she also took the supplies without asking or mentioning or clarifying. everyone's struggling right now but if the hair stylist wasn't upset and she said to call her again then i think you're good. nta

BENIGN

tl;dr long story short, i was going to let it slide because she came to me with this sob story about how life is really difficult and challenging for her and she doesn't think she can pay me back. i saw her posting just today about a cruise she is going on with a bunch of friends. i'm pissed, and considering legal action. the long version: two years ago she asked me to pay for front row tickets to this concert that, at the time, was a year out. i loved the band, she loved the band and i had just come home from a deployment so i had a little extra pocket to change to blow in the moment. i agreed i would pay for her front row ticket provided that, by the date of the concert, she would pay me back in full. she definitely attended the concert. she definitely sat next to me that night. to date, she's paid me $100 out of the $700 she owes me in total. that's after me scrubbing off an extra hundred since she's offered to drive to and from. i've been patient, kind, and willing to work with her. she has, on multiple ocassions, brought up wanting to pay me back on her own without any prompting from my end. come this past october (8 months following the concert) and after paying me the initial installment of $100... she ghosts. no contact. will not respond to or open any messages i send. i start getting worried for her safety because this girl is nowhere to be found. money was honestly the last thing on my mind until i realize that she is actively and pointedly ignoring... just me. after weeks of attempting to hear from her she finally gets back to me with this sob story about how difficult life is, how she just can't keep up, how she convinced herself that the only reason i was her friend was for the financial benefit (???) and she was sorry. i said it was okay, but i wanted to meet up with her to talk in person to figure this whole dilemna out. she ghosted again. next thing i see is pictures and videos of her on a cruise with all of her best friends. i'm livid and have all of our text receipts. i was going to let the money go, but now it feels as if i'm being taken advantage and i don't particularly care to salvage the relationship. aita if i proceed with legislation?

aita for wanting to take legal action against a friend who owes me upwards of $600?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ero02k/aita_for_wanting_to_take_legal_action_against_a/

2020-01-21 02:25:39

nta take her ass to court

nta. this is what small claims court is for! the problem you may run into is the statute of limitations. a lot of states oral contracts have a 2 year limit on bringing claims. but that may be able to be restarted depending on when she last made a payment. what state are you in?

nta go for it. just so you know, the first part of small claims is to send the defendant a copy of the court filing. at that point there's a really good chance she'll pay you rather than actually go to court. also, all mutual friends will polarize and many will hate you forever.

nta. she’s taken advantage of you and playing the “poor, poor pitiful me” card.

nta, but bring the receipts of her saying she’ll pay you back so you have a solid case.

nta - take her to court. get your money back and then stop being her friend.

nta only scummy people take advantage of others. tack on tax as well

nta, but i would suggest collecting evidence in case they deny it. i had a similar case, paid $2200 for a garden, and the person kept making excuses not to do it. they then canceled and we had to get a court order to pay us, he still hasn’t, so might have to go to court again. it might be a hard process though.

nta. judge judy is eagerly awaiting your call.

nta, but if it makes you feel better i bet one of the friends on the trip paid her way with a similar agreement.

TOXIC

on black friday, i ordered two pairs of earrings from a sweet girl who owns a resin earrings shop. she sent me a picture of her molds and the colors/designs. i told her i wanted the small design on row five, and the big design on row 8. she lives in the next town over, and i offered to meet her in her town. she insisted that she would drive to my town and meet me. i paid that night and waited. this is where i might be the asshole. it's been two weeks and today was finally a good day for her to meet me. she sent me a picture, telling me she thinks she did my order wrong, asking if it was okay and would i still accept them. i explained to her that she had made the larger design for row five and that the earrings from row 8 were the wrong color. i just asked if she could remake them and i would drive and meet her in her town next week. she got really upset saying she was a small business owner trying her best and i should be grateful. i apologized and told her i would wait, but wanted to set up a day next week i would be guaranteed to have them. she said this was rude and they would be ready soon and i should trust her. am i the asshole?

aita for asking a small business owner to remake my order?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kb7asi/aita_for_asking_a_small_business_owner_to_remake/

2020-12-11 17:37:07

nta exactly how were you rude? by refusing to accept something you didn't order? if she is a "small" business owner, i would expect she could kept her orders straight.

nta the key here is "business owner" not "small" she needs to get orders right, otherwise it's not much of a business.

nta. you were specific. you gave her more than ample time. she even admitted she may have done them wrong. her flipping out and telling you to just accept the incorrect product, and then making excuses/whining makes her in the wrong.

nta. the business owner should know that, to retain customers, they have to make the product they asked for. otherwise they fail.

nta. you paid for something, you should get what you paid for. what's this 'you should be grateful' shit? you paid her for a service and she didn't deliver what you wanted.

nta you are having a custom order made, it’s normal and fine to expect it to be done to the order request. and offering to pick it up is for her benefit but hey if she wants to deliver save the gas!

nta. as the customer, you should get what you ordered. you were polite.

nta it's not your problem if she messed up the order. it's her problem and she needs to step up, take responsibility, and make what you ordered. she will not be a successful business owner if she doesn't take more care in preparing orders and if she tries to blame customers for her mistakes.

nta when a business owner fucks up, they take responsibility for it and make things right for the customer. that's part of what it means to run a business. "i'm trying my best" doesn't cut it. as the famous quote goes, "do, or do not. there is no try."

nta. just because she's a small business doesn't mean she doesn't have to be professional. she messed up the order. unless you really want them i'd cancel the order.

BENIGN

this just happened and my anger is dwindling so now i'm beginning to wonder if i was too harsh. some backstory, i work two jobs as well as being a college student and today is my first day off in months. i live with my mother and take care of her as she's sick and i wanted to spend today sleeping to rest since the semester just ended. any way, there's this couple that comes by my neighborhood every few weeks. they're usually looking for money but offer to cut grass, mow lawns, flower plants, as an exchange. they do an okay job. i've used them several times in the past and i know they need the money so i don't mind continuing to hire them. however, maybe around a month ago, they never came by and i couldn't get ahold of them to come mow my lawn. it was starting to look like an eyesore compared to my neighbors so i went and hired new people. these people were great and i immediately knew i'd hire them each and every time. i didn't know my lawn could look so good. a few days ago, i noticed that the grass had been getting high again so i called them and scheduled for them to come by on friday. today, i had been sleeping in. like i said i wanted to have one day where i didn't have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to work. the couple came by house and started mowing my lawn, without asking and woke me up by banging on my front door. you'd think they were the police or that i'd owe them money the way they were banging. they demanded payment for mowing the lawn and i went off on them. granted, i was cranky from being awaken to loud knocks, irritated because my lawn looked subpar, mad because i'd have to call and cancel the amazing mowers and now i have two people demanding $30 from me for doing something i never asked them to do. i cursed them out, told them i wouldn't pay them and that if they knocked on my door again i was calling the police. i was mad at the time but now that i'm thinking about it, i maybe should have just paid them. it's only $30 which i have, i know that they need it, and they did do the work. the man claimed that they knocked before they started, to ask me (though i didn't hear any knocks) and said that he thought i'd be okay with it because my lawn was looking bad and i've used their services in the past. aita for not paying them?

aita for not paying the people who cut my lawn?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/na2byw/aita_for_not_paying_the_people_who_cut_my_lawn/

2021-05-11 17:24:10

nta. i can’t just show up at your house with a pizza and demand payment because you had ordered pizzas from me before.

nta >he said he thought i'd be okay with it because my lawn was looking bad and i've used their services in the past that's not how running a business works unless you're trying to sell a spec script in hollywood. you never asked them to mow your lawn and don't owe them any money at all. i'd ask the intended landscapers to still come out for cleanup and just give them the money.

nta. they didn’t confirm with you: 1) you wanted it done 2) you wanted it done by them their assumptions are their own fault. do you.

nta, if you do a job you cant just show up whenever and then demand pay. they werent there when you needed it, you made arrangements with what sounded like professionals and the professionals did a better job. hopefully the couple will learn from this and try to work better setting up appointments and payment instead of just choosing to work whenever they want and assume they'll get paid.

nta, i’m sure they saw in the past you hired someone else and wanted to beat them to the punch.

nta. do you really believe that they knocked before they did it? in any case, you didn't agree to the service beforehand and they did it without ok or permission. maybe they won't do that again and you don't owe them anything. funny this should come up as i recently had to fire my lawn guy. i hired him last november as i was tired of doing the lawns myself and with the fall, the leaves were getting really bad. the lawn wasn't growing that much in the winter (in california) but when i knew it should have been getting longer, it wasn't. i told him 3 times to not cut the lawn so short and i pointed out other lawns around me, etc. he had a counter argument for everything i said... different lawn, that lawn was new (it wasn't), etc. i finally had enough and texted him that i would no longer need his services. he replied that i owed him a month's notice. i said no i didn't, we had no contract and it was month to month. anyway, i got a new lawn service and even after it hadn't been mowed in 3 weeks it wasn't very long at all, didn't need cutting. he almost killed it by cutting it so short. then he showed up and started working on my yard! i was upstairs and was yelling out the window for him to stop! what are you doing?!?!? he said he was "doing the honorable thing" of completing the month i had paid. i told him no, i didn't want him doing the work. he argued with me again, just like he did with everything i said to him before. i blew a gasket. i went off on him and how this is why i dropped his service. he didn't listen to what i told him, i told him multiple times to not cut it so short, etc. he argued again and said the lawn "looked like shit". seriously, i took a picture and it wasn't even long enough to look like it needing mowing at all. i was yelling at him to leave!!! he finally left. i've had the new service for 3 weeks and it looks fabulous having finally been cut just last week. don't let them guilt you into it. they are giving you bad work and not listening to you either.

nta. even if you had an agreement that they would cut your lawn every couple of weeks (which it doesn't look like you had), they nullified it when they disappeared and forced you to make other arrangements. i will say cursing them out was probably unnecessary, but forcing a service upon someone and then insisting that they pay for it is the definition of bad business practices.

nta. i saw a similar post about a month ago, in this same sub, and i shared my experiences as a proactive, child entrepreneur: https://www.reddit.com/r/amitheasshole/comments/mdmptg/wibta_for_not_paying_the_lawn_service/gsava0y/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

esh. you because according to your edit they’ve done this before a few times, you paid them, and never told them this wasn’t allowed. plus as you admitted it’s kind of an over reaction on your part given the history. they suck for being bad at their business, disappearing for a month and assuming they could just pick up where they left off with no discussion, but they paid the price of free labor for that.

nta they should have confirmed before starting. what if you’d moved, would they demand payment from the owner that hasn’t a clue who they are?

BENIGN

i have a 7yo son from a previous relationship and my husband and i have a 2 yo daughter and a 1 month old son together. when i first started a relationship with my husband, i made sure both he and his family knew of my 7yo (was 3yo at the time) from the start and wasn't really planning on having anymore. well fast forward a couple years and my husband and i got pregnant with our now 2yo. when we got pregnant, i made sure to have a conversation with my husband's mother about not treating my 7yo differently because he is not her biological grandchild. she reassured me that would not be the case and she would love him just like her own grandchild. fast forward again to a year later and my 7yo relationship with my mil started to decline and quickly. my mil would start getting in my son's face, and saying things like "you're a bad kid. you're no fun to be around" and would act so distant with him while talking badly about him to our daughter in front of him and showing him how caring she was towards our daughter. now he was obviously not a perfect child being only 5 at the time. he has hyperactive adhd and it takes a couple times of reminding him of things not to do. my husband and i had multiple conversations with my mil about the things she was saying to him and how she was treating him and everytime she would say she wouldn't act like that anymore but then do it behind our backs. eventually she got tired of us talking to her about it and moved out of our house. afterwards, we had to send my son to therapy because he had really low self esteem and would say things like he feels he doesn't belong in this world because of how my mil treated him. from that point on i told my mil she wasn't allowed in our lives anymore. she unfriended me on facebook and hasn't tried communicating with us at all for the past 8 months. things have been better, my son is done with therapy and in a good place mentally and a toxic cloud has cleared from over our family. well she decided to call my husband 2 weeks ago and said she feels like we tossed her aside and she misses him. she also asked when she could see the kids now that we just had our newborn and i told my husband i don't want her to have anything to do with the other kids because of everything we went through with her and my son. (side note, she has said she will always love my husband and our daughter but intentionally left out my son and myself in that message). aita for wanted to keep her out of our lives even though she is the other kids' grandmother?

aita for refusing to let my husband's mother visit our children

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vjvksb/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_husbands_mother_visit/

2022-06-24 18:52:53

nta, the kid's well being takes precedence.

nta. grandma is a toxic witch who emotionally abused a 5 year old. amazed you put up with it so long. we had to do similar with my son and his great grandmother. it was for the best. she had always been toxic and we endured it for our lives but would not put my son through it. was the smart choice. no regrets.

nta your mil was actively harming the mental health of your seven year old. in your house, that she was living in. she was told to stop, numerous times, and instead of stopping she decided to hide her abuse and eventually move out instead of changing her behavior. she has also set an example to your other children, that their brother doesn’t belong, that it’s okay to treat not just family, but people, this way, that if grandma does it and she’s an adult who loves me then being mean to my brother is okay because grandma does it too. she is a threat to your family, and she has shown time and time again that she is unwilling to change. protect your family.

nta. keep abusers away from all of your children.

so much nta i can understand that she misses her son. that is a valid feeling. but who brought this onto her? she needs to understand that it was her behavior and her shitty values that led to the situation as is. you need to protect your son. and you also need to protect your other kids from the influence of her shitty values? what should they learn from her? that only biological family is worth something? that people with mental issues not only don't deserve love and help but should be actively hurt? i think not. i think your family doesn't need this toxicity. but i was intrigued as to what you husband said to all of this.

nta. toxic people do not need to take up space in your lives. it does not matter if they are grandparents. and this one sounds especially bad for bullying a 5 year to the point he needed therapy.

definitely nta. you had to send your son to therapy at 5 years old because of this old hag. she emotionally abused him. people like her shouldn’t be allowed around kids at all.

nta. she will do damage to all of your children and they need to be protected from her. can you imagine what she will say to her bio grandkids about their older brother?

nta having been that kid myself i know how damaging it can be and that boy is just a boy he doesn't deserve that treatment ...no contact is the way to go until she learns the lesson and treats all the grandkids equally or until they are grown and can decide for themselves

nta. mil is guilty of familial segregation. that is disgusting and a real confidence killer to those on the "wrong" side. also, people who act like that often will get overly upset over the smallest things and take a grudge out on a child. manipulation and degradation is their game. if they can't play with the bio card, they will pull a new card. they need to take others down so they can feel superior. that is not someone i would want around my kid.

BENIGN

my partner [27 m] and i [27 f] have been planning on moving to another city for the last few months. he knows that i’ve always wanted to move to this city and it was actually his idea to move. he’s lived in our current city for ten years and i’ve been here for four now. the move would make us closer to my family and his dad while remaining the same distance from his mom. he has slowly started getting more and more nervous, which he’s always said he would, but he’s gotten to the point where he’s decided that he doesn’t want to move anymore. i told him that i want to move regardless. i’ve always been a massive people pleaser and have put myself on the back burner for the people i’ve dated. i want to do something for me and stop putting my desires on hold. he’s told me that it’s selfish for me to not consider him in this situation. aita for still planning on going through with the move whether or not he’s a part of it?

aita for still planning on moving even though my partner doesn’t want to anymore?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/thj1wv/aita_for_still_planning_on_moving_even_though_my/

2022-03-19 00:15:36

nta. you did take him into consideration. you took him into the consideration the entire time that guys were planning to move. now he’s bailing. and you’re nta for putting yourself and what you want over him. and if he doesn’t want to move, and you do, and that forces you to end the relationship.. do it. choose yourself. you’re nah for doing what you need to do to find happiness.

nta. he said what he had to to keep you in his life. he will keep doing that now that he knows it will work.

nta. if you stay to please him, you'll have big regrets. you do you.

nta. move. grow. don’t let him be selfish and accuse you of doing the same thing.

nta. he is telling you that you’re selfish for not considering him. but he’s being selfish for not considering you. and he’s being even more selfish because you have both spent time looking into this. if you stay you will regret it. and based on what you’ve said he hasn’t respected your feelings for a long time. he isn’t going to change.

sounds like some massive personal growth, don't let his cold feet bar you from experiencing the life you want. go be happy regardless of him. nta

nta. it was originally *his* idea and you took him at his word. if he wants to back out now, that's his decision but he shouldn't hold you back because of it. it's selfish of him to not actively seek treatment for his anxiety and to consistently take advantage of your people-pleasing.

nta. break up with him for good. go live where you want to live.

nta. help him work through the nerves and continue with the move. he can't keep backing out of big life decisions especially when it was his idea.

nta - i feel like he is manipulating you to get what he wants. i don’t think he had the intention of moving, but suggested it in order to keep the relationship. also, i feel that as a fellow people pleaser, he used the term selfish to trigger you into feeling badly. we’re aloud to be selfish at times. you can’t give to others once you’ve given everything you have.

BENIGN

i (26m) and my wife (25f) are expecting! she’s 5 months pregnant and few days ago we had an announcement cause people in my family were wanting one. background on my dad, he’s 50 something i don’t know i forgot , he is a stubborn old man that needs his way or he will have a fit about it. friends and family planned the whole thing for us after we gave them a piece of paper with the gender (they wanted that and so did i and my wife) my dad helped not one bit. it was time to pop the balloon and when we did it was pink i was happy with tears and everyone was celebrating including my wife ofc. i noticed my dad pulling a face as if he isn’t impressed. i asked him what’s wrong and he was going on how “great another female in the family”. it made me angry on him commenting on my unborn daughter. he kept going on and on how i shouldn’t be happy, i told him to get the fuck out. everyone was on my side except a few aunts and uncles on his side. we carried on for a bit. i feel bad for kicking my dad out but it’s his own fault and should of kept his mouth shut and just act happy for once about his grandchild. so aita? we did a gender reveal so that we know the gender and so we can prepare and get it loads of girl stuff. if we get loads of boy clothes then it will be pointless. not saying girls can’t wear boy stuff but it’s a baby and it’s my baby.

aita for kicking my dad out after pulling faces about my baby’s gender?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uxp02x/aita_for_kicking_my_dad_out_after_pulling_faces/

2022-05-25 19:27:08

nta that was super disrespectful of your dad. how can anyone tell a future parent they shouldn't be happy about their baby being a certain sex? can't believe some people actually defended him. you should've made them leave as well.

nta fuck that misogynistic bullshit. telling you to feel bad about your own child's gender?? i'm just disgusted at all of this yuck. good for you for kicking him out

nta. he sounds sexist as hell. instead of being upset about it being female, he should be happy he's getting a grandchild and that you haven't gone nc with him and his shitty attitude.

nta. great job op. you keep protecting your kid!

not that it's appropriate at any age, but you'd think somebody *under* the age of 60 should be grateful they're *getting* a grandchild given the world they helped make. entirely within your rights. nta. throw his ass out and let him stay out until he acts right.

nta. he's a misogynist

no! you really are nta. the fact that you don't know his exact age tells me you have a bad relationship, and it's obvious why. he didn't help at all with this event that was important to you and your family, and then he spewed his misogyny all over everything. you do not need that a h in your daughter's life. jfc.

nta. 50-something is not old, your dad is just a flaming a h. i bet people have been saying, “that’s just the way he is!” for decades, back to when he was a much younger a h. do not excuse his behavior, protect your daughter from it at all costs. thankfully you are a better man.

nta... and your father has clearly indicated he doesn't want the honor of being called a grandparent. i'd never let him see this child.

nta. that’s how you’re supposed to stick up for your family. congratulations on your baby, sprinkling baby dust that everything goes safely and she arrives healthily.

BENIGN

my daughter (27f) and son-in-law (30m) currently have two kids (4 and 6). they both have very intensive careers and mentioned that they were struggling with work-life balance. they were hoping for my wife and i to help pick up the kids from school, help drive them to after school activities, and basically look over them from the 2:30-5:30pm time. to give some context, i used to do this for my three kids because i had the more flexible schedule (academia) between my wife and i. however, i also used to work every night from 10pm to 3am to make up for that time. my wife and i are not retired. i love my grandkids, but i still have many responsibilities. i'm also far too old to consider returning to my schedule from before my kids went to college. i suggested that they hire a nanny because, as i reflect, that's what i would do if i were to go back in time. this upset my daughter, which i realize i was a little tactless in that regard. however, i also feel like she is old enough to understand that my schedule when they were growing up was really terrible, and not something i would want her to replicate. my son-in-law then got really self-righteous about us not prioritizing the grandkids and had the audacity to even mention the word retirement. this lack of responsibility for their own kids and the condescending assumption that their time is more valuable then ours really angered me, and we left. now, i'm wondering if i was out of line with the suggestion, but i feel like that is the solution if they aren't willing to make other trade-offs with their careers or their personal time.

aita for suggesting that my sil and daughter hire a nanny?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/md2g5r/aita_for_suggesting_that_my_sil_and_daughter_hire/

2021-03-25 16:36:57

nta. they're acting entitled to your time in a way that you can't provide it anymore, and trying to manipulate you emotionally to get what they want.

nta, grandparents are not free babysitters unless they offer and want to be. you have a life outside your kids and their children. you catered your world around them when they were young as you should have. now that they have flown the coupe it is your time to do as you want.

nta. your daughter has some serious entitlement going on to think you'd do for her children what you did for her and her siblings. your son-in-law needs to take his mouth and shut it. he doesn't get to tell you anything, you didn't raise him nor did you marry him. tell them to be parents like you were and either do it the hard way or get a nanny. the nerve of these grown ass people acting like you are obligated to provide free--and this is what they want--child care.

nta. you don’t have to “prioritize your grandkids”. you aren’t saying you never want to see them, you are just saying that you don’t want to essentially structure your entire life around them. let’s be real - picking them up means waiting in the school pickup line for 30-60 mins then watching them for 3 hours every weekday, using your time and gas and energy to get them here and there. that is a lot of work. it’s pretty audacious that they would be mad at you for saying no.

nta - grandparents are not free, built-in childcare. they have their own lives.

nta- the kids aren’t your responsibility, full stop.

nta. the kids should be their priorities, not yours. you just gave a possible solution.

nta. absolutely not the ah. i'm a parent of young kids and can still see how unreasonable this request is. it's ironic that they are asking you to consider retiring so that they don't have to manage their own lives. if they have very intensive careers, they need and can afford a nanny. that's why those types of careers pay well - so you can afford to hire help.

nta they are trying to guilt you into it because they don't want to take responsibility. i jokingly tell my mom to retire and watch my kid. she says "sure, i'd love to, if you pay my salary and benefits". you love your grandkids, but they are not your responsibility to quit your job and take care of them. if they don't want a nanny, then one of them should quit and become a stay at home parent.

nta you've served your time and suffered for it with your work life balance already! grandparents are not a free babysitting service so the parents can put their hands in their pockets and pay for a nanny or cut back on their work instead.

BENIGN

for context i am 19 in college and she is 18 in high school going to college an hour away from me next year. my first semester i went through a lot of crap to get where i am and i am incredibly proud of my work so with parental permission i got a peacock on my ankle. no big deal i was assuming. turns out its a big deal and now my girlfriend is threatening to break up with me. she is mad saying how my style was already garbage and how she has waited for me to fix it and i never did and i told her i was willing to work with her to help that. then she finds out about this tattoo and now says she’s threatening to break up with me. she sent the tattoo to her whole family and they have all sent the pic to me saying how gross and bad it is. even though my family loves it. shes mad how i did not ask for permission and says it doesn’t fit her values of how we should be together, currently in crisis mode trying to work this out. aita?

aita for getting a tattoo without my girlfriends permission?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tvpipx/aita_for_getting_a_tattoo_without_my_girlfriends/

2022-04-04 01:21:22

your body, your choice. also, she sounds kind of crazy. almost seems like she's treating you as an accessory instead of a bf. nta

nta. you don't need her permission when it comes to choices about your body. what she's doing is the a pit of me of manipulation. knock her off her petal stool and say, "you're right, we should break up."

nta it's your body fam. my opinion here: red flag. run.

nta. your body, your choice. and you really need to rethink your choice of girlfriend. it is one thing for her express that she doesn’t care for the tattoo. it is another for her to publicly shame you.

dude run. the tattoo is for you. i hate tattoos but would never even comment on someone getting one, it's their business, their body. if she doesn't like you as you are she is not worth the effort. asking permission is for parents and bosses. nta

kid, high school romances rarely last outside of high school. so dont worry about breaking up with her, you'll find more open-minded women who'll love your tattoo. also bringing her *mommy and daddy* into your arguments just shows how immature she still is. nta

nta your girlfriend is totally an asshole covered in asshole with asshole sauce on the side. how is she an asshole? let us count the ways. one. she didn't like your "style" and was waiting for you to fix it?? what the actual fuck? two. she doesnt like a tattoo that has a deep significant meaning to you because because she didn't like how it looked. and she didn't care how meaningful it is to you? three. she threatened to break up with you. because of something as superficial as a meaningful tattoo. she is using your relationship to make you act the way she wants you to. four. but wait. there's fucking more. she passes around the picture of your tattoo so her family can shame you. five. seriously, there is more. she is mad that you didn't ask her permission? you are fucking 19. you don't need her permission. the only good thing that came out of this is that she revealed who she truly is.

nta and do yourself a favor and dump her. she's toxic!

nta. this is just toxic and controlling, please break up with her. you deserve better.

nta and this is not the girl for you. thank her very much for showing you who she is and bid her farewell. anyone who truly loves you would never ever treat you this way. you will be so much happier! congratulations on the hard work too!

BENIGN

so i have a nice garage gym, with everything an average person would need to get a full-body/cardio workout that always gets a ton of compliments from folks when they see it for the first time. my significant other has a friend who doesn't make much money, and the little she does make goes towards her children as she is a great mother. the friend is severely out of shape, to the point her doctor was telling her she needs to lose about 100lbs because she is at extreme risk for a heart attack or stroke. so i offered to let her use my gym, completely free, no-strings-attached, whenever she wants, so long as she gives us a heads up that she is coming over. fast forward a few weeks, and the friend has been very consistent with using the gym for the cardio equipment, coming three times a week for about an hour at a time. the thing is, she never tells us when she is coming over, as we agreed. however, being i work from my home studio, i am home all the time, so letting her in isn't a problem. the issue comes because she always seems to show up when i am already mid-workout. i am a man of routine with a tight work schedule, so i work out at the same time every day, but the thing is, she is only free to come over during the same time i am in my garage. because of this scheduling issue, we found ourselves working out at the same time, and i knew it was making her uncomfortable. she clearly did not like working out with other people around. she told my significant other she doesn't want to work out here if i am going to be in the garage with her (even though we aren't in each other's space) and that she would like me to work out at a different time. i said absolutely not. i understand people have a personal comfort zone, and apparently, me being in my own gym while she was using it was violating hers. however, i am very busy and am not about to change my schedule to accommodate someone who i was genuinely just trying to help. i want her to get healthy so she and her kids can have a lot of time together, but aita for not accommodating her?

aita for working out in my home gym while my significant other's friend is working out there, too?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q2vax0/aita_for_working_out_in_my_home_gym_while_my/

2021-10-06 22:38:54

nta. r/choosybeggers

nta she should change her schedule. it's not even her equipment.

nta. she could avoid this problem by letting you know when she planned to come over. a lot of people also work out before the start of the work day and at the end of the workday - she can consider these times. finally, it’s your gym - you get first choice.

nta “she told my significant other she doesn't want to work out here if i am going to be in the garage with her” ok she can go to another gym then. that’s your gym and you were trying to be nice to her

obviously nta. you are already accommodating her by letting her work out there in the first place. i have a friend with a similarly nice gym, and he literally has people book times with him. unless she already had a literal booked time, and you decided to start working out at that time as well, then then she needs to either deal with it, or set a different time to come.

nta - she is a guest in your house and must respect boundaries.

info: how does your significant other other feel about all this? nta five ways from sunday. i’m just super curious how they feel about it. being nice and lending gym access for free doesn’t allow this person’s entitlement. this shit is the same reason i’m super paranoid about helping people in such a big way like that. you’re a good person for letting them use it.

nta and you were already going out of your way to be nice and offer her a place to work out in the first place. the fact that now she's complaining about it shows she isn't grateful for it at all

nta. it's your gym, not hers. you don't even have to let her use it. she could work out at her own home using youtube videos. or she could change her workout time. but you are already accommodating her by letting her use it for free.

yta because i haven’t built my home gym yet and you made me jealous. but seriously, nta. that shit’s expensive and you’ve already been accommodating by letting her use it pro bono.

BENIGN

i'll keep it short. friend has an autistic son. i've met him before, lovely lad. he's six. i've never spent prolonged time with him, just short hour visits to my home or at the park. they invited me to dinner the other night and i went. their son has a ritual he has to do at dinner where he takes a bite of his food, then exchanges his fork with someone else. their whole family follows this routine: he takes a bite, swaps fork with mom, takes a bit, swaps fork with dad, and so on, all around the table. they allege it's the only way he'll eat. well, i refused. and it resulted in a huge tantrum which unfortunately resulted in thrown plates and other dinnerware. some of it is broken. i'm being blamed for not doing this--let's be honest--disgusting ritual. even if it's the only way he'll eat, they should have warned me beforehand and i would have politely declined the invitation. was i the asshole?

aita for not following an autistic ritual resulting in property being damaged?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i9bx5d/aita_for_not_following_an_autistic_ritual/

2020-08-14 00:35:50

nta. that is unsanitary, especially in the middle of a pandemic. his parents are responsible for his behavior, and you're not obligated to prevent meltdowns by giving a six year old your eating utensils.

nta because they definitely should have told you about this ahead of time. “btw, you’ll have to swap silverware with our son after he’s used it, and likely after someone else in our family has also used it” is definitely something you tell someone ahead of time. also, what if you had some communicable disease? it’s in everyone’s best interest that this is discussed/handled ahead of time? watch a weird 10 minute performance, be introduced to an imaginary friend, compliment a shitty drawing— these are the types of things one might have to graciously put up with at a dinner with friends’ kids. what you’ve described is something else.

i have asd and even i'm cringing on this one. nta, autism or not, the kid damaged the property. who tf does't give someone a general heads up before inviting them to dinner. that shit is so bizarre. i mean, if his ritual had been to like, high five after every bite, i'd be a little sympathetic. fork sharing? that's a hard nope.

nta. societal expectations dictate that if you require your guests to swap spit at dinner, you let them know beforehand. that’s disgusting and good on you for refusing.

nta they absolutely have to find another solution or ritual. what’s going to happen when this kid attends any sort of school or social occasion? he’s already 6; i know kids share a lot of things, but they’re not going to want to share utensils like that on a regular basis (if ever). also, they can’t spring that on you and then call you the ah when you refuse to participate in their unhygienic “ritual”. it’s gross.

nta i read it to my mom to get her point of view, i am autistic. we both agreed that the parents are in the wrong for not warning you ahead of time or teaching the child that it not ok to do that.

nta--parents ought to have given you a heads up, and allowed you to decline the dinner invite.

nta. this is something they should have told you about beforehand and they have no right getting upset at you.

your friend should have explained this in advance when they extended the invitation and certainly before you arrived. most people wouldn't want to do that, no matter how much they wanted to help and it's unreasonable to expect of a guest. and rude that they put you on the spot like this. nta

nta. besides the fact that we’re in the middle of a pandemic, the germs in other peoples mouths are not something i’d ever wish to share. it’s disgusting and basically asking to get sick. they have to find a new way to get this kid to eat. they cannot keep doing this for the rest of their lives.

TOXIC

my family recently went to the beach together and we came back. my sister's friend call her jane (she isn't too close to her) was over as well. they were talking about a photo my sister uploaded of herself and our mom. jane was like "your mom knows how to pose, but her skin.. yikes." and my sister is like yeah my mom does her best to take care of herself but she likes to go to the beach a lot. then jane says that's why she is happy to be black. she then goes onto say that "black don't crack" "black women age in reverse..." she then says "people always think of us as sisters." and that's when i interject and am like, "that is one way to look at being a teen mom." (jane's mom had her when she was in highschool) jane starts to get flustered and gets angry and my sister backs her up too. i just start laughing and leave. for me look, if you are gonna insult my mom and women in my race in general imma call you out. my sister is angry that i interjected, but the thing is the comments jane made wasn't directed at my sister it was about our mom.

aita for telling my sister's friend "that is one way to look at being a teen mom" when she bragged about how she and her mom looked like sisters and implied that our mom looked old? and that people of her race aged better?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ibggro/aita_for_telling_my_sisters_friend_that_is_one/

2020-08-17 15:40:21

nta, calling someone's mom ugly, and saying your race looks better... that's shitty

nta how has it never occurred to her that *maybe* black people do age, but her and her mom look similar because they’re not that far apart in age.

in principle, esh for the barbs you all traded over each other’s moms. (your sister didn’t insult anyone, but she didn’t stick up for her own mom whilst defending another. not cool) that being said, if it makes you sucky, i’d still support you and have you do it all over again. **nobody’s going to insult my mom and not get just as good if not worse**. you suck the least.

esh. why is this friend commenting on your moms skin? aren’t women just allowed to age? you didn’t need to fling a fastball back at her head.