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Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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I don’t really know where to start. My partner has had depression for 25 years. A couple of weeks ago he told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore. It broke my heart. It then transpired he had reduced his medication without the doctor knowing, and had been feeling really depressed due to something which happened at work. He has since spiralled over the last couple of weeks. One minute saying he wants space to think and the next saying he doesn’t. The only good thing which I think we have determined is that he does think he loves me but thinks his depression is clouding him. He’s been in bed nearly 24 hours. Yesterday he was really positive about us and saying how he much he loves me. I thought he was coming out of this episode. Today he’s been in bed asleep. I know it’s an illness and we’ve been together 6 years and I will continue to do so but just needed some support or advice, potentially from someone who has actually been depressed themselves. I desperately want to help him but it’s so hard when he pushes me away. One minute he loves me the next he’s unsure. I have read pretty much every article on the internet which says this is normal but why does it feel so abnormal? My caring, loving partner has disappeared and when he talks to me he’s so cold.

This is the link of the famous, really old and very well-known test http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv The page doesn't work anymore. Do you know if there's a place where I can find it? Or, in alternative, another test you recommend? I hope I didn't come off direspectful by asking this here. I'm not looking for a diagnosis (I already have one), I need it for different reasons and I didn't know where else to ask.

I cant belive it, i actually fucking woke up happy. I feel like i actually slept and woke up without feeling hazy and unmotivated. Woke up to a snap from my best friend saying that listening to the music we used to listen to 2011 2015 made him realise that most of his best memories were when we were hanging out or talking. And i feel the same way, through the good and the bad. I am alive to see my little brother turn 18 today and singing happy birthday to him this morning. Im studying towards my dream job and have not harmed myself in almost a year. I started therapy when i was around 13 years old and after 9 years of therapy, support and medication for my sleep and ADHD i have been declared mentally stable and discharged by my the psychiatry. Its still rough and so fucking hard, looking out for my ptsd triggers and trying to figure out who the fuck i am without the bottomless hatred, self loathing and suicidal thoughts. I mean what do i like, what do i think and how the fuck do people navigate through society? I feel lost and at the mercy of the world. But at least its my world now, a world i feel like i can live in and allow my curiosity to thrive in and learn how to be me. What i know is that i want to stay well so i can help others, i want to talk to my friends, brothers, hug my mother and my doggo. I know im still mildly depressed and my anxiety is still there. I know that my mental illness will never truly be gone but this morning im going to dance by myself to some good music. Friday will be rough since i will be meeting my father, the main reason why i have been struggling with mental illness for as long as i can remember. But the biggest fuck you i can give him is by being happy today, no thanks to him. Now im rambling, i dont know how to write stuff... just wanted to share that i slept well sober for the first time. thank you all for helping me understand myself and for showing me that i was not alone all those dark times.

I am going to a clinic to see if I really need to to be admitted/IOP like my doctor recommends ( so she’s not making it mandatory or it isn’t an emergency she just thinks I need more invasive help) I’m just going thru some of the worst emotional turmoil of my life right now. I called my mother to let her know if she doesn’t hear from me for a while this is where I am going. (She lives 6 hours away and I never see her) And honestly I was seeking some support because I am desperate right now. She completely invalidated my diagnosis and my emotional problems, said doctors don’t know anything and that “everyone wants to label themselves now” She also insulted my appearance saying I am covered in “disgusting tattoos” as if that is even relevant or any of her business. I’m sure y’all can see why I am the way I am. Does anyone else deal with this? I feel so alone. Sometimes I just want support and compassion from her even tho I’m a full grown adult.

I am so agitated any little constant noise is setting me off I just want to snap and don’t know why.

I’m 15 and i don’t want to self diagnose but i want to know why i experience things such as lack of focus, uncontrollable fidgeting, lack of motivation, motor tics, i’m overly emotional and often can’t control my feelings etc. I want to get help but i don’t know how and i know that if i do therapy or something like that now it’ll likely be over zoom because of lockdown and i’m really not comfortable with that. I don’t know what to do i feel like somethings wrong with me. Even posting this makes me super nervous. Thank you in advance for any advice.

How does one with anxiety deal with these, especially in a heartbroken context.

I lived for more than 20 years with a toxic person which i don’t talk to or have any interaction with him for several reasons incuding physical abuse and violence to me and people i care about from childhood, and i can’t even look at his face cause of how much i hate this person, and i keep having dreams about him trying to hurt me or even killing me and i wake up terrified and angry trying to find a solution. What’s happening with my mental state?

He asked what he has that I let him to whatever he wants to me. I can't find any particular reason for it because I'm scared if I don't do what he says or wants even when he always say it's okay if I don't want to. I'm scared he would leave me or his love and affections towards me decrease. I would do anything for him because I'm scared of losing him. I was diagnosed with bpd even though my doctor 50/50 about it due to my relationship with my boyfriend is stable. It's actually I need him to call me every night because that's the only way for me to know he would still use his time and attention to me at the end of the day. If he doesn't call me that night, I would think that he doesn't love me no matter how much time he said that he won't leave me. Is this just a BPD trait or am I too clingy about this. I feel bad towards myself but I can't stop thinking that if I don't do what he wants, he'll leave me no matter how much he tells me that he loves me.

I've been noticing a good portion of the times I feel anxious, nervous, jittery, shakey, fuzzy headed, (and other anxiety symptoms), that my spo2 is around 100% rather than it's usual 96 to 97. Is this a way I can confirm it's anxiety and the symptoms are all related to overbreathing? I hear mixed opinions on whether spo2 is affected by anxiety, but ive been told by a few doctors all my symptoms are anxiery related even though I don't feel like I am that stressed out. I've had clean ekgs, echos, Holters, etc, and this seems like a connection. What do you all think or what have you all experienced with this relationship between anxiety and raised spo2. Thanks :)

I'm male. My best friend is female. I have never had romantic interest in her. But still to this day something that happened my freshman year of college irks me. ​ She drives up to my school for the weekend. The plan was she'd spend the night in my dorm. Come midnight, my college friends won't leave and I really just want to cuddle with her (we non-sexually cuddled now and then). I finally get my friends out and she's like oh... I'm not ready for bed I'm going to go hang out with a mutual friend. So she goes off and doesn't come back. Next morning she shows back up with my place sheepish and says she got drunk and blew the mutual friend. ​ Still to this day the BPD brain is like... it should have been me she got drunk with and had a regrettable sexual encounter with. ​ It's so stupid. I'm not interested in her. Why would I be jealous of not having had an awkward encounter that as best as I can tell ruined a friendship?

Like why I don't know I think I might get a panic attack tomorrow cause felling like shit today most probably gonna be felling tomorrow. It's like okay Soo I am doing something as simple as taking a walk or scrolling through Instagram and suddenly out of nowhere I am hit with this emotion something I am not used to and and then I feel all depressed lonely and what not and then there is this thing when someone told me when I told them I have panic attack that what is there to panic like about some stuff and I am like what there is so much more to panic attack than panicking about something right?? Like no I am not just panicked for something it's just what my body do at times and this got me to thinking like maybe that's what others might think when I have attacks in front of them which is obviously not too many mostly some of my professors but wow if they feel like that I don't know thinking about it make me feel like shit and then I will resolve that I won't have attacks in front of them and somehow I will end up doing the same fucking thing like ughhhhh what the fuck is wrong with me like there are times when I feel like maybe the universe has something for me by making me this way but the majority of the time I get so angry that why the hell can't I be like a normal person why this just fucks with me too no extend...

I was officially diagnosed with BPD a little over 3 years ago after a suicide attempt landed me in a hospitalization program. I had already been diagnosed with CPTSD and GAD, as a teenager, overall due to what I had experienced being an epileptic child. I figure that my developing BPD was a domino effect of everything I experienced previously. As I continue to have seizures and suffer from BPD it is also often difficult to differentiate what symptoms (dissociation, tachycardia, dizziness, difficulty speaking) are psychological or neurological??

Hello, brothers and sisters of /r/BPD. A lot of us, I guess, has problems dealing with the past. I do have, at least. I made so many mistakes blinded by rage, jealousy, insecurity, fragility, and a skewed idea of self defence. I made mistakes in work relationships, friendships, romantic relationships. Before I knew anything about BPD, and before I had even an ounce of control of my emotions and thoughts, things were really wild. Words came out of my mouth without any kind of filter. I had to learn that my behaviours were damaging and toxic the hard way: I had to see the effect of my words and actions on others. I had to see people that I love suffer because of me. I had to re-learn the grammar of relationships. I’m still learning, and it’s a steep climb. It has not been easy, and it isn’t easy now. And while you learn to be a better person with others, you also have to reconcile with your past: forgive yourself, and forgive others. First of all, you never know if you are remembering things correctly: was I right or wrong when I felt offended by what my ex-SO said in that particular situation? Maybe my jealousy wasn’t so unfounded after all, the only thing that was wrong was the way I communicated my feelings! Or...maybe I actually was a monster, and everything I did and said was really the son of evilness. Or maybe, he/she was evil, and I was the victim! It’s always this ping-pong of ideas about yourself, what you did, and others. For me, one pervasive consequence of being BPD means that i don’t really have an idea about anything, especially about really delicate subjects, like love relationships. But I know what people I had relationships with think about me. And they often think I was the biggest mistake of their life. I know that they’re talking bad about me with others, too. And that’s something that bothers me a lot. First of all because, deep down, I want to be liked by everybody. Second of all, because if so many people think badly about me, well, maybe they’re right. I have no idea about myself after all. They MUST know better then me if i’m a good person or not. And here it comes, then: depression, suffering, hateful thoughts about yourself. Now you know you’re evil: someone else is saying it about you. But then you rationalize, and you remember: you have changed, you are a better person, you deserve forgiveness, you deserve to forget and move on. But it’s not always easy to believe it, and it’s not easy to not fall into the safe, sweet nest of self-hate. So, after my reflections, I’m asking you this: how do you deal with your past? How do you deal with people from your past hating you, for right or wrong reasons? How do you forgive yourself?

I'm aware it's petty, but I don't want to prioritise people that don't prioritise me. If somebody is busy or working, that's fine. I'm talking about people that have been online most of the day and don't reply until several hours later. My friend used to get back to me within an hour. It's now several hours until he gets back to me because he now has a group of other friends that are a higher priority, so I take my time getting back to him, too. I also don't want to make it seem as if I'm too available and I "need" them, if that makes sense? I don't need anybody telling me it's petty because I'm already aware. I'm just wondering if anybody else does the same?

I've always struggled with communicating my thoughts under pressure. I've had some selective mutism in the past when in stressful situations and while I've mostly worked through that, I've noticed that lately I'll begin stammering if I'm uncomfortable or unsure of myself. It's not severe yet, but I can tell it's getting worse because even my own thoughts have started doing it. Has anyone else experienced this and maybe has any advice?

Even right now I’m still sort of worried, talking on Reddit seems to help but what the fuck? I never thought my anxiety and paranoia would get so bad to the point that I thought fake swallowing IMAGINARY NOT EVEN PHYSICALLY THERE drugs was going to make me have a trip. It feels like my brain is slowly collapsing in on itself with all the fears and anxieties my brain encounters on a daily basis. What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I this broken? Have I become so irrational that I can’t separate imagination from reality anymore? What the actual fuck it’s freaking me out even more how much my brain has gone in the shitter in the recent months.

Ever since I was young, when I feel anxious I would get this "Jolt" (for lack of a better word) in my legs. Whether it be before I would get into trouble, seeing someone who hates me, or people bullying me. Does anyone else experience this? I still do as an adult and want to know if it's common among those who have anxiety

hi! my partner has recently been going through a huge wave of depression, feeling unmotivated, but happy when doing small certain things like watering plants; playing with their dogs, although it is very temporary. they open up but often bottle up their feelings. i know bits and pieces of their trauma; but not a lot. they feel like a burden whenever they speak about how they feel and don’t want to drain me.although; they refuse therapy or medication. they believe that therapy doesn’t help and that they only want money, their views on medication is that it makes them feel fake. what are some ways i can suggest my partner cope, or reach out for help? their parents are not in their life, and haven’t been for a while; they live with their grandparents. anything is appreciated:) tysm!

I've been off Celexa for almost a year now, was on it for 5 years. My resting heart rate was in the 60s while on it but I'm at 70s now. My stress and anxiety level obviously got higher after coming off of it. My anxiety is manageable but I get panic attacks here and there. Can therapy completely fix anxiety? Or just get it to a manageable level? Are there meds that you can take for short term to alleviate situational anxiety? Thank you

I'm 19 years old, Despite all the problems I didn't want to talk about them I don't feel good about venting I just wanted to talk normally

Hello everyone, I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder for around 4 years now. I’ve felt that it has been under control up until this past month or so. I got diagnosed with GAD because I convinced myself I was having a heart attack— but everything was normal. Recently, these symptoms have been coming back in full force. My heart races, my fingers and arms become tingly, and my shoulders/arms/chest begin to ache. I send myself into a full panic attack and it has been happening almost everyday. So, I went to see my doctor to make sure everything was okay health wise, and her assessments and blood tests all came back normal. I just would like to know if anyone else experiences these symptoms and how to overcome them, as it is affecting my daily life at this point and causing me to isolate myself in fear of a panic attack in public or with friends. Any input is welcome! Also I am currently taking 15 mg of Buspar twice a day.

I have been at my current job for six months now but for many reasons feel it’s not for me. I was recently offered a new position elsewhere, and the benefits outweigh my current one by a long shot, but the job doesn’t start for 5 weeks. I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to tell my boss, but I have no idea how to and I would like to do it in the next couple of weeks (I’d like to give them 3 weeks notice because my job is difficult and I’d like to assist in training my replacement). I technically have 2 bosses I need to go through. I worry because I hate confrontation (I’ll definitely cry) and I’ll feel guilty but I know I need to do it. I also am unsure what time of day to do it, as I only see my immediate boss 2 days a week, and I don’t want to do it bright and early and ruin their day. I’ve only quit one other job before (my job before this) and when I told my old boss I was leaving, they took it very personal and started to act very rude and aggressive towards me because they were upset, and I don’t want that again. I also don’t want them to try and convince me to stay and offer me things, because I know that this is the right thing for me to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated if this post is allowed :) thanks!

I just had a dream that has left me so paranoid and anxious about the outside world that I don’t want to go out to see my friends today. I hate my brain for having this dream it’s an awful image I have been filled with the biggest spike of anxiety I think I have ever felt.

Hello, I don’t tend to post about this kinda stuff much since I’m bad at wording things. This stuff happened a few weeks ago and I’m still trying to come to terms with it. Basically, I think I finally broke my FP a few weeks ago she had been helping me for a long time, keeping me feeling happy because she wanted me to be happy this was until she found out about me self-harming, I think her having to deal with the fact sometimes she hasn’t been able to help me enough that it’s brought me to hurt myself has just crushed her. Even though I don’t see that as the reason I self-harm.. I got a call from one of her friends and I was basically told all I do is manipulate her into helping me by constantly making her feel bad that I do all of this shit to myself. I was called a selfish manipulative person to do this to someone like her. Now I just feel this is the way I am, me and my FP don’t talk as much as we did anymore and it’s crushing me because I love her and care about her so much, she told me this isn’t the case but I feel like it must be because she just doesn’t seem to want to speak with me much anymore. This is just making me feel terrible about everything and I just don’t know how to process shit or even attempt to let her go. I don’t know if I should just let her go, or if I should just try to explain myself fully... I just feel empty without her here and I don’t know how to go on feeling like this... :(

I recently had my first panick attack and since then i have alot of anxiety.I have headaches,nausea,stomach ache etc.Im scared and i keep thinking i have a tumor or some other disease.Is this normal??

(23f) Diagnosed bpd with mdd in 2019. Here’s me trying to explain my thoughts on my co-occurring mental health disorders the best way I can… Firstly, When I was diagnosed while hospitalized I didn’t find out about my diagnosis until I had a conversation w/ a therapist in an in-patient crisis center (I was sent there after I was discharged same day) …where she randomly mentioned my diagnosis, that I had no clue about at the time… Not sure why the hospital never explained my official diagnoses to me, but regardless that information hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. Since at the time I thought I was just depressed with anxiety & was caught up in thinking I might’ve had DID… Well long story short, I watched the 9 traits of bpd video we’ve all most likely seen—and the realization bomb went off, got my first “Oh fuck that’s me” life changing moment where everything finally clicks!… It took me a day to understand my bpd diagnosis—it’s taking me years of trying to accept it. Here’s my experience thus far; I experience intense/severe bpd. I strongly resonate with traits from NPD/ASPD/HPD *as well as* STPD/PPD/SPD. I’ve been on another “research high” lately—obsessing over information & hyperfixated on heavily resonating with specific pd’s(trying to “replace” my bpd with something else because I hate it)… The more I listen to others with bpd/npd explain their overlapping traits, I’m starting to understand and accept that my bpd diagnosis in itself is not black and white. So I have come to this conclusion which has given me some relief. Seeking these diagnoses won’t change anything for me, solely based on having a professional affirm me with “legal legitimacy”… I’m not a box to be checked off, I’m a complex human being trying to navigate the world around me, and this is my very long & draining journey with trying to understand and accept my complex bpd—… Thank you for reading. (I can go more in-depth for anyone wanting to have a dialogue)❤️

I’m getting more anxious as the days go on, I’ve heard nothing from my boyfriend (who has avoidant BPD) for a week and a half now. I also have BPD (pendulent BPD) and my fear of abandonment is going insane. I’m trying to reassure myself that he’s not abandoned me and his is for his mental health but it gets harder everyday without him. I need some advice as I feel like I’m getting worse as the days go on. I’m tempted to go to his house and ask for answers but I also don’t want to cross any boundaries. For those who have avoidant BPD, how long do you usually disappear for?

Man.... Do you miss me? When your walking around. Going about your day. You have no idea I’m thinking of you an insane amount. I wish the thoughts would stop. Maybe u do think of me. But never as much as I think of u. I miss u. I miss talking to you a lot. I wish I could revisit that first month. It was so great and happy...... I miss it Maybe I jst miss the intense infatuation. How depressing.

Nothing I'll say that you guys haven't heard before. I just have to rant. I work in health care as a shift worker. A job I worked hard at to get where I am now. A job I was super passionate in and some would consider decently skilled at. Now I despise it. Plain and simple. I've rusted through all my skillset. I've been around for over 10 years and I don't have a decent work relationship with anyone. I get along with some of my co-workers but honestly nothing ever gets passed punching out at the end of the day. Noone wants to socialize with me. I have lots in common with quite a few of them too. My social life itself is non-existent. On my days off I sit at my computer and wait for my wife to get home so that we can go to bed. I try so hard every day to make sure she's happy and provided for. All while trying to not burden her with how fucking miserable I am. Yes I'm on antidepressants. And yes they work for the most part but loneliness is killing me. I have almost no family. My sister is all I really have and she's got her own life and family to deal with. I try to make contact and socialize with her when times align. That's just the tip of the iceburg of what's going on with me. I don't know why I'm writing this, I just needed to type it out maybe. I just hate being miserable at work and lonely on my days off. It's like I'm fuckin invisible some days. End of rant. Tldr; my life is meaningless joke that isn't funny

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I would like a better explanation, also be sure to include typical tendencies to better help me understand

I only got one friend out of my class and for sure I am introvert. Just to clarify that I hvnt gone to any therapy or diagnosed that I have anxiety, but some of the symptoms have affected me so much. When I woke up, I felt so bad and my heart pumping so fast till I went school. When I was in my classroom and took the seat, I started to shiver and my hand and whole body sweat so much. The worst thing is we need to join an activity every year and u will just get picked randomly in ur 6 choices, so I got a bad news that the activity I join hasn’t any closed friends of mine in it, and being an introvert I just can’t imagine that happens and there is two lessons a week, and I need to force my tears to drop cause my parents are getting back home. Also, I am sick of having panic attacks and biting my fingernails. ( sorry for extremely bad English)

I was diagnosed with anxiety in 2019 and have since been on Lexamil. It kept losing effectiveness and we kept increasing the dosage. My psychiatrist then took an educated guese that I might have mild bipolar disorder- however, anxiety has been the most constant thing throughout this is experience regardless of my mood. We have started to consider my hormones and I am going to see a gynecologist soon to take a look at that as well. I am desperate for some relief from the anxiety- currently I am on Epitec and Fluanxol which feels like it is doing nothing. My question is, does anyone have experience with going on birth control or some other hormone regulator, and it helping with anxiety?

I did 5 weeks sober and other than the normal feelings of boredom, side effects and everything else you expect from sobriety, the emptiness just never goes. Don't get me wrong, my panic attacks have gotten way less frequent and my mood swings are easy to recognise but... We don't have the same results for non bpds getting sober ! We have to face a loneliness much more severe and scary. Past traumas become more vivid. The depression isn't solved because our brain chemistry was fucked up to begin with. I have been sober for months before but I always run back because I never get to a level of clarity that most non bpds reach. I just reach the same spot that I was when I first started. It has gotten a bit easier though and I do not want to completely go back to my old ways...just sucks

I feel like all my problems are cancers on me which are killing me, and everything I'm doing to correct them (like running or exercising or forcing myself to be social or doing therapy or trying to make friends) is my chemo which takes its own toll and just wipes me out and leaves me drained and eventually I just want to quit but if I quit then my cancers will just start again so I have to grit my teeth and get up and keep going even when I see minimal or no results for my effort.

Does it ever clear up a little? And you realise why you’re carrying on? I’m struggling accepting this, no moments of joy.

I just lost my best friend because I was being "toxic" according to him. "Toxic" meant talking too much about my depression and suicidality, and being too honest about it. I don't blame him. Normal people can't handle hearing what you experience - it's overwhelming, upsetting, draining. The only way to make friends is to pretend you're fine or just "tired". At this point, I'm giving up on having friends. People like me weren't built for companionship. I wouldn't have been gifted with depression if I weren't meant to be alone and unlikable.

I’m going to try and sum this up. I’ve had a lot of mental health professionals ask if I have any sexual abuse trauma. I’ve always said no because I can’t remember, I don’t remember 90% of my childhood. It was brought to my attention last year that maybe I just simply can’t remember it. For some reason I didn’t know this was a thing and how common it kind of is. Well to my main point, I can’t deal with anyone except my partners seeing me without clothing or touching me. It disgusts me. Not family, not professionals, no one else. It’s so violating to me. I have freak outs whenever a doctor expects me to undress or touches me in places I didn’t think they were going to, or even if I have to give a urine sample. It’s pure fight or flight. I can’t handle it. Well I have to have an echocardiogram done on Wednesday and I just had a full blown panic attack. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it, I’m so fucking scared. I was uncontrollably shaking and hyperventilating when I researched what to expect. I’m seriously terrified but I need it done. How am I supposed to cope with this?

Today I both left my School and quit my Job. Couldn't handle it anymore. (I've had a steady part-time Job since I was 14) Sometimes I get hit with bombardments of either depression, anger or anxiety. I can feel it through my whole body, it's like I'm about to vomit or fight. For the last months, I've had this recurring anxiety, I smoked weed 10 times in a 2 Month period right before I turned 16. I keep thinking that this has hurt my cognitive functions and I'm now left to the ditches of mankind doomed by their own hopeless mistakes. ​ The anxiety about this has been ruining my life for the past few months, and now that it's finally all come crashing down it no longer feels like I'm alive, don't even ponder suicide as it seems like a waste of time. ​ While I've had this aniexity I've lost contact with a large part of my social network and seem more alone than ever. Would love advice. (Don't know if this information matters for anyone but here it is, I'm 16's and a male)

So we get into awful fights, mostly when I say something he did upset me or hurt me and he gets defensive about it. If he doesn't drop the defensiveness and show me compassion or understanding, it escalates and drags out for a couple of days. Today he said that my effort to be heard is really a game that I play. I totally lost it, out came the names and the vitriol about how marrying him was a bad idea and I don't want to be with someone that thinks of my effort to get my needs met as a stupid game, when he is the one that made everything suck by being defensive. I don't talk about leaving from every argument. Usually just when I've tried to be heard and he hasn't listened and hasn't shown any interest in listening. We have marriage counseling Sunday and I want to cancel. I am not officially diagnosed. I don't meet full criteria, but I definitely have traits and I am super sensitive about that with him because I think he uses it to blame me for our problems. Oh also I am freaking out because if I do have it I'm scared of permanently scarring my young child with this stuff. I've never taken it out on children but what if I do? Any mom's here that can reassure me that I can be a good mom even when I feel like a monster?

My dad has covid and the doctors are giving us no hope he can make it through. If he dies, I'm probably gonna try to hurt or kill myself. I cannot live without him

I went out on the fire escape to smoke a joint. As I take my last drag, I watch the ash fall over the side of the rail and slowly make its way down, certainly not at the rate of gravity - that could be due to its mass, but I don't remember physics much anyway, then suddenly plummeting onto the concrete. I decided a bath sounded like a good idea. I spent a lot of time thinking about how much of a parasite I was in my life and needed a break. Don't feel bad for me; I'm better now. I am taking these dark discomposures and producing at least something. For context, I have recently become enlightened suddenly, overnight. It's as if my prefrontal cortex grew three times. I realized that I am now twenty-two and have no friends. I ended up with a good job, but I am certainly lacking socially. I also had a problem with alcohol. And yeah, those two things are it, but it's hard to realize. I'm doing something about it, don't worry, but I do think it's constantly on my mind, and my mind is often cluttered with negative thoughts. Despiting that conflicting string of words, I am netting positively mentally. I didn't grow up traditionally or go to college, I will not elaborate further, but I am not a complete loner because I am a serial killer or something (maybe soon). The bath didn't help. I quickly got out, dried myself, moisturized my shaved skin, and washed my face with this Korean beauty face wash that doesn't seem to magically make my blemishes disappear, as the label suggests. I went into my room to find my comfiest sports bra -- I needed comfort. I was consumed by my thoughts in the bath, and they almost became hallucinations, so I needed comfort to return to my baseline, even if it was in the shape of an upper torso. On top of my bed, I saw a small garbage bag I had left on my bed to remind me to switch out the bathroom trash, which I didn't end up doing anyway, that said: "WATCH OUT, SUFFOCATION WARNING." This was eerie because lately, I have had slight hallucinogenic, I had been taking medication to help me quit smoking, and one of the symptoms is nightmares and hallucinations. I also believe I might have sleep apnea because I sometimes wake up gasping for air (I'm actually pretty thin, but I guess I just have bad pipes from smoking). This creeped me out immensely. The energy in the room was damp with the confrontation of the bag. I headed for the living room and noticed soft music playing. I forgot I had been listening to music while doing this personal development thing I like to call a "Book Transfer." A Book Transfer is when I take all of the highlights or notes I made in the book that I would like and then transfer them over into my second brain, a compilation of word docs. It's kind of silly, but I find it meditative, and it helps me stay witty. I logged into my laptop to see the song name, I knew the artist, but the song name wasn't quite as easy to recall. "What would you do?". I knew the lyrics by heart and knew the following line: "You are the world's ugliest person that no one wants to pick up.". As the melancholic, angsty voice started the line, my stomach fell to the floor. My eyes felt like they had fallen back into my head, squishing my brain, cutting off brain-body communication as my body went into full panic. This unanticipated occurrence sent a shiver through my body. I was convinced I was going crazy. I was convinced he was saying these words to me. I cried and was scared; I was convinced something was out to get me. A few minutes passed, another song started, and I became calmer. I realized that this was utterly absurd of me to think. How could these series of events possibly be connected? I was malformed by them, non-malformed to do my mental disease, and convinced myself something was out to get me. Will this ever end?

Hello again. well, I just got out of the 3 day psyche hold from a rather, suicidey issue... but that is not what I am here to ask. I want to express what I have been feeling and see if anyone has the same feeling. when I talk to people, I automatically get a reaction to them. either I don't like them and I try to stay away, or I end up liking them and what I call "the wagging effect" starts happening. the wagging effect is something that I call the super clingy nature that I get. when I like someone, I feel like a dog. tail wagging. running up to them. staying close to them. doing what I can to make them happy. wanting to be with them for all time. I become super happy and even had bipolar people thinking I was in manic mode. which... may have happened. IDK. :p I easily cling to people, and that causes a major issue when it comes to them talking to others/ feeling abandoned or alone. and leading to where I was with suicide and depression. like, one of my best friends had to drop all contact with everyone connected to a group I am in for mental health reasons. I literally fell into a deep spiral, and then I got connected to another person at the hospital and ended up clinging to him like he was "the one". now that I left the hospital, it feels like I lost another person and he hates me and I feel super sad, but can't think about anything because I think the latuda has made me think in colours only. also may have caused a bit of whatever mood I am on now... so the real question is: does anyone have issues with clinging to any nice person there is that you know and also how do you lower the clinginess that happens so that if they leave or whatever it doesn't hurt anymore? I really want to solve that. thanks

I have been taking latuda just over a month. Ended up in the ER with chest pain last night. Nothing showed up on anything. To be fair, they didn't check for Pulmonary Embolism. Just for heart issues. Today the pain is sharp and stabbing just below my left breast. My heart rate the last few weeks since starting latuda has been 53 at rest. And right now my heart rate is about 85. Is this potentially a side effect of latuda? My anxiety has been so much worse since starting latuda. I feel like I can barely function. 32 f 130 pounds 5'5" 20mg latuda 20 mg Omeprazole Carafate Flonase Pepcid Azelastine

Some background info: I am diagnosed with panic disorder. When I was on antidepressants for my panic disorder, I was able to lift without any problem, and gained strength and size, going from a skinny kid deadlifting a max of 75lbs to doing 225lbs. Now that I'm off antidepressants, on days I lift, I get terrible symptoms such as but not limited to nausea, headaches, tingling in my body, etc. I've tried reducing intensity but as long as I start going a bit harder, I get bad panic symptoms. On other days, my panic disorder has been dormant. I feel ok. If I lift groceries for a bit, or carry my bike around, or do a few light sets of dumbbell curls, I'm good too. I was wondering whether it was really lifting that is causing it. So far, running, sprinting, cycling, boxing and swimming don't give me this problem. I've also controlled other variables and tested it out, such as food and sleep, but the single variable that always causes my problem is weightlifting. I've also taken long periods of rest (2 weeks - 1 month) just to rule out overtraining. Does anyone else have experience this problem? Or any similar issues with exercise?

Feeling badly because I thought my anxiety was much better. I have agoraphobia and sometimes the idea of leaving my apartment alone leads to crushing anxiety. Had a full on hyperventilating panic attack when trying to leave for my job interview today. Instead of shutting down and completely hating myself (I did do that a bit, but I used some DBT and reframing techniques) I let them know I couldn’t make it and asked if we could reschedule. They said yes! And we rescheduled for tomorrow. So I’m going to try again. For most of my life I was more than incapable of accounting for my anxiety and minimizing the havoc it wreaks on my life and reputation. Now, after an intense couple of years of therapy (including a few months inpatient) I am functioning at a much higher level. Even though I have to go through this all again tomorrow at least I’m doing it! I’ve developed coping strategies. Progress and getting better for me has not been getting rid of my anxiety, it’s been literally learning to live with it. I’m grateful and proud.

I’ve been depressed since I was born, is there any chance I can still be happy? Be honest, I really hate toxic positivity. Being happy feels so weird

Hello fellow anxious people, I am a STEM student looking to do better in my studies. The issue is I deal with pretty severe anxiety which feeds into my procrastination. I would like to start waking up earlier to get my school work done in the morning so I have the rest of the day to myself, however it seems like I just always put my work off until the end of the day and spend the time before that anxious about the work I have yet to do! I have tried the pomodoro technique with some success, but again I still put my work off til the end of the day which is when I will start to use it. The anxiety is just so paralyzing it makes me want to avoid everything. And yes I am on a fuxk ton of meds already.. Any advice?

Are there any DBT therapists/programs that can be done via teleconferencing/videoconferencing? I ask because a) I live in bumfuck rural Virginia, b) I have a comorbid anxiety disorder that often manifests itself as agoraphobia, and c) I have a very justifiable fear of driving because I am a terrible driver (combination of ADHD, poor spatial perception, and slow reaction times) and there is no public transportation where I live. Please let me know if any of you know of any therapists or therapy programs that don't require in-person, face-to-face interaction. If they specialize in DBT or otherwise have experience with BPD patients that would be ideal, but I realize that DBT providers are rare enough as is that finding one that also happens to offer remote options is probably unlikely. Although I know that DBT is the only therapy method proven to "work" for BPD, I still think I'd benefit from having non-DBT therapy than no therapy at all. Thanks for reading my post and for any advice or suggestions you might have.

I’m currently on Invega(injection) for BP1 disorder. Looking for alternatives due to my body having high levels of A1c(sugar) and liver enzymes(now I am diabetic). My doctor is suggesting Abilify. I was wondering for those with experience if this is a good choice? How do you like Abilify? Are there other medications not so harmful to the metabolism? Thanks a bunch!

With my BPD I can be impulsive, suicidal, and be a pain I am supposed control my emotions, but I suck at it repatedly Wouldn't it be better, therefore, to disappear and make everyone around me happier

So I used to have very bad health anxiety and worry about my health all the time, however Over the past couple of days I’ve been getting a sudden pain in the back left of my head which lasts for about 10 seconds goes away then does it again a few minutes later, the pain is uncomfortable and hurts but not to the point where I’m in absolute agony, it’s worrying me a lot I’m worried that it’s something serious, any help is appreciated 👍🏻

My mood is always changing, and the problem is that almost every time I'm sad, I vent to my best friend and feel better. I don't know if that means I'm weak. But I'm very sad. I feel like I can't solve my problems on my own and that to be happy I need someone to make me feel happy.

I wrote my suicide letter. But i’m scared to do it.. I’m not sure how I want to do it. I just find that I am worthless. I have nothing going on. I don’t remember the last time I was happy with myself or things I did. I find no motivation.. im just trying to get through every day but im tired. I wanna do it so badly tho. Im just scared it’s going to hurt.. I hate here..

I’ve been incredibly stressed for the last month. I been having a sore throat and neck pain. This comes in waves, off and on which is weird and i’ve never experienced this. Has anyone else ever encountered this?

Since Leaving my Last partner (due to narcissism and DV) and covid lockdowns, I have been in my Four walls for awhile. I've tried many things to help bring in income but I just get uninterested in them. I have try so many things, I just don't know why I'm here or what I'm meant to do. so I sit here at my desk with nothing to do, and I ask you reddit when will I leave this stage? when will I live instead of just existing?

​ How can one pinpoint when cognitively if someone is experiencing paranoia? I have had a few episodes where it felt more than anxiety. Almost as if someone was watching me. That eerie feeling. I know it sounds insane but I don't really have anyone else to ask at this moment.

I'm so tired of trying to be good enough. I'm so sick of turning out to be just tolerable enough for the company of every woman I claim love for. The signals were there. The anxiousness. The lack of enthusiasm. The unwillingness to spend time. Everything pointed to you not wanting to be together. I always knew in the back of my mind and yet I'm still so hurt. The fantasy covered up the lie so well. ​ You let me go so easily. That's what makes this hurt the most. It's been weeks since we last spoke. It's like I never even knew you. It's as if I was this weight on your shoulder that needed urgent lifting and yet you kept holding it up, hoping one day that it would all show to be worth it. Was loving me that much of a burden? ​ I keep asking myself what made you stay for so long? Were you hoping that one day you'd finally find your love for me? Or were you simply afraid of hurting me? I thought we had an open dialogue. I thought you trusted me with your feelings. I thought we were supposed to work on US TOGETHER. I can only imagine the many nights you spent crying to your friends and family about how trapped you felt being with me. It makes me sick and ashamed that every time I asked you what's wrong, you wanted to say that it was me. ​ It all hurts. Every unshakable memory and thought of you burns me in the deepest, most unexplored areas of my heart. Every time I think it's stopped hurting, I'm kicked in my chest once again. Rejection is undoubtedly the worst feeling that could plague a BPD sufferer and yet it pales in comparison to the lack of trust in strength you had for me. I gave you this information so that you wouldn't judge me when the symptoms arose. I trusted you with this knowledge so that you could love me for everything that I actually am and clearly separate the parts that obviously are not. ​ I know part of where I my fault is in this all and yet it still feels so pitiful. You made me feel love and I was determined to make you feel the same for me. I rushed into your life and told you that it's either together, or not. At the time, it felt so right. Every trusted man and woman told me that what I was feeling was genuine and that I should tell you and put the ball in your court. I did it in such a fantastic way too. How could you resist? But do you remember the gift I got you to declare my love? The one that you slept with every night after. The one that I found chewed up in the backyard of your parent's house? It was an inside joke from our second date. I know you don't remember. You don't even remember how we ended up together in the first place. I was a whirlwind when we met. You only saw a sweet, determined, and handsome man with gifts. You never even questioned my motives. You never questioned me at all. It's clear that you didn't care if I crashed and burned. ​ I want to forgive you. I'm trying so hard. Despite these feelings, I know that you tried. Whether it be because of pressure from your parents and peers or for a genuine interest in making this relationship mean something. You tried to love me to the point of resenting that I loved you in the first place. I don't hate you; I hate how much I still love you. What was so bad about me that you had to do what all the rest of them did and leave me without a clue. Maybe this is an opportunity for self-reflection. Maybe there really is something deeply wrong with me that keeps making this happen. I just wish the news was coming from you, someone that I know, love, and trust; Not from the endless nights of beating myself up for running you off.

There’s no other way, this is my destiny. I’ve been running away for far too long. I don’t know when I will lose, but I’m just prolonging the inevitable. For my loved ones. I prolong my calling because I can’t do that to them. I have to die but I can’t. Not like this. Please god let it end.

Looking for any books that have to do with BPD, maybe some self-help books, or journals that have helped you guys? I'm not going to lie I'm pretty upset. I was just at Barnes & Noble looking at the personality disorder section and I feel like all of the books were about how borderlines are toxic and you should remove them from your life...

My son is suffering and I want so badly to fix it. I know I can't. And I know my hugs and expression of love alone won't help...but I feel helpless and powerless to soothe his pain. As someone who is in this place, what words or actions help you the most?

How do I help explain to my husband what anxiety is like? And how to get across to him how it feels all the time? I'm trying to help him understand what our son is feeling, and he doesn't seem to "get it" that this isn't just anxiety over a situation but general anxiety over everything. Our 16 year old has bad anxiety, like can't sleep and pretty bad executive disfunction, and my husband just thinks he should "try harder" to fall asleep earlier so he can wake up in the morning for school, and doesn't understand why putting the phone up, and just laying there doesn't work. Why sometimes it's hard to eat, or get things done and why doing nothing even when it's the worst thing you can do happens at that point.

Idk if this is allowed but someone posted something the other day on this sub and I’ve been overthinking myself since. They were frustrated that girls in this sub just “whine about their bf not texting them back” and I feel like I post whiny things about my friends and bf etc and I’m overthinking it all. I’m male so maybe it didn’t apply to me but also this is the on space I have where I can talk about my overthinking about minor things like that and feel supported. Any perspective?

I'm a rotten person. I don't even deserve help. Just kill me

One of the things that is causing my anxiety to be bad right now is a physical medical problem. I was looking on Google to see how other people had dealt with similar situations and was hoping to find some reassurance that other people were managing ok with this. Of course what I found instead was a reddit post from someone whose whole life had basically fallen apart. Now their situation is somewhat different from mine but just reading that was enough to cause my anxiety to go through the roof. I had to remind myself that: 1. We weren't suffering from exactly the same condition. 2. I've only been dealing with this since October, not for over a year like they had. 3. I've only been to the doctor once about this and haven't tried any treatment options other than wait and see yet. 4. This problem may yet fade away on its own. 5. Just because this person couldn't figure out how to make their life work while living with an ongoing medical problem doesn't mean I'll suffer the same fait. Anyway typing that out made me feel a bit better but I think I should get off the internet now. Google is good for getting more information on things but it can also send you to places you don't want to go.

I'm honestly perfectly well, and I think that's the problem. Most of the time I'm doing just fine, I'm keeping my symptoms in check, I'm accepting my feelings and being mindful *af* and I feel extremely privileged growing up in a country and time where help was both free and ready for me when I needed it. Life now is nothing like what it was before I finally found a treatment that helped me, so I'm not necessarily complaining. But there is something that's just *always* a little off. ​ I always feel left out, just a little - but enough to make me uncomfortable. Not a lot, and not always noticeably, but just always a little left out, never quite there, I'm never just *in* the group. I have no idea if this is my BPD acting up, or of it's me picking up on something legit. I just don't feel like I fit in ever, but I also don't feel completely left out. It's difficult to explain, but it's especially bothering me now with everyone self isolating. What I'm dealing with is nothing compared to what I know a lot of you are dealing with right now, but I'd like some reassurance that I'm not losing my mind. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I looking for problems because I'm doing alright and I'm used to being miserable and insecure in my relationships?

sorry if this is too touchy but i wanna hear your guys’ experiences with grief. i lost my dad this year and my grieving process has been very repressive. i’ve been tending to repress all my thoughts about him and trying not to have any emotional reactions. have any of you gone through the same thing ?

i just joined this sub after being diagnosed. i've always felt so alone and misunderstood i'm actually crying right now because it feels like i've finally found people who understand me all these posts of people talking about their "abnormal" relationships and feelings are things i feel so happy about. just seeing them. because i'm not alone. and it feels so nice lmao

Hello all, I was diagnosed about five months ago, have been going to therapy for 2 years and both of these things I hid from my family I live with (I'm 20). When I was going to my therapy and psychiatrist sessions I would lie and say things like I'm going to the library, I'm going to visit a friend etc. I felt terrified to tell my mother. Mainly because her own mother had Bipolar, and caused my mother a lot of grief in her life. She used to openly hate her mother but in recent years they've rebuilt their relationship. I heard my mother before say, "All people with Bipolar just have an underlying root of jealousy" (Wtf does that mean lol) and make fun of my aunt (I'm not sure what illness my aunt has) when she was having psychotic delusions. Alongside this, my mother is always a very stressed out and grumpy person, I felt like I couldn't make her more stressed out by making her also worry about me and my problems. I felt this so strong that I didn't tell my parents when I started having hallucinations for the first time at the age of 16. Over the years it just kept snowballing into more issues, more hiding things, more lies. I got a job just so I could pay for my appointments and medications. I went through navigating the health system and getting my appointments all on my own, when I had never done that sort of thing before and I didn't have my parents to guide me. It was all really intimidating. I hid my medication bottles in boxes in the back of my closet and lived in terror of there being some noticeable physical side effect. But I'm ready to confess everything. I can't deal with it anymore, sometimes I need someone to take care of me when my state is really bad. And I don't want to live in fear anymore. So I wrote a very long letter for my parents explaining everything and apologizing for lying. I hope they are not angry with me for lying. I am planning to let my mother read it tomorrow, I am really scared for how it may turn out but I hope it is better for my life. I just wanted to share this with people who understand, maybe some of you have been in a similar situation. Thank you for reading.

I had a great 4 or so years after taking action on my depression my third year of college. I was on Zoloft and then upped the dose in 2021 because of isolation and covid. The side effects for me were annoying (like no sex drive, but still more than when I was originally depressed, and major fatigue that I compensated with a lot of caffeine) and that had just made me feel worse. I went down on my dosage but about a month in I slipped. I had a panic attack one day after being isolated for covid and all the depression thoughts came flooding in. I think about how I just want to go back into the past before all this - it’s like I’m hopeful I will wake up one day and have a time machine readily available. It’s all I want. My family is getting older, old friends don’t return my calls, I don’t have a clear vision of tomorrow. Today was the worst day I’ve had in a long time - 2 months into this slip where I thought I was making progress. I just want to disappear for the same reasons we always see on here. I want to rip my brain out of my head. I don’t want to be back here yet here I am.

I’m curious if anyone has experienced this. After I had this panic attack, the wearing-off of adrenaline just made me start crying. It’s an awful feeling. Anyone else in the same boat?

Didn't see anything just randomly thought that maaaaybe the world might end on new years Help me

Around 2 years ago I've had some serious issues with anxiety & panic attacks. **Travelling with the bus was an actual nightmare.** I live in a rural area and I need to travel around 1-2 hours with a bus to get to a large city. If I'd get a panic attack inside the bus - bad luck. Can't stop, can't go off (unless I'd like to walk 50 km back home). The perfect place for feeling trapped and having a panic attack. I remember one time being "stuck" inside the bus for 90 minutes, on the verge of panic attack. There was a kid next to me and I remember envying his relaxed attitude. All the while I was focusing desperately on the sensation of my feet touching the floor, trying to "keep" the panic attack at bay. The moment I got of was on of the happiest moments I've experienced for a long time. **I swore to myself that I've never travel with the bus again in my life. STUPID, of course.** One of those days before travelling again with the bus I think I started reading "The Power Of Now". I don't remember the book exactly. So I got up in the bus the next day and 5 minutes in - anxiety and the precursor of a panic attack. "What will happen If I'll have a panic attack?", "What will people think of me", "I can't get off to get fresh air." **Heart beating fast, tight chest, feeling of doom.** Usually I'd try controlled breathing, focusing on the scenery, focusing on my feet/butt/etc. But not that day. That day I've tried the freaking impossible. Instead of running away from the anxiety feeling, I've run towards it. Well, not run exactly but FOCUS on the anxiety feeling. FEEL that anxiety feeling. Look deep inside me and try to put my attention on the anxiety. Put the "anxiety" on my mind's scene in the spotlights, so to speak. **And the most unexpected thing happened. It dissipated.** Not completely, mind you. But it took away the most unpleasant sensations and it steered me away from a panic attack. And I've had the most profound realization. That it was JUST A FEELING. Sure, you hear that a lot. "It's just a feeling, a sensation". But you don't always internalize it. **Well, the moment I've looked at it and felt it, I internalized the fact that it's just a sensation.** It doesn't mean anything, it's not the precursor of doom, it's not a defect that I have, etc. Just a bloody sensation. It didn't go off for good, of course. It came back in force 5,6 more times. Every time I'd apply the same technique: putting my full focus on that feeling, try to feel it, to be fully aware of it, to know it's shape and form. And every time it dissipated. **How best to do it yourself?** The main thing to do is: don't try to get rid of it. It didn't work in the past even though you've probably tried hundreds of times. It won't work now. Here's how you could approach this technique. **First** start with the premise that it's just a feeling. You won't believe this probably at first, but just start with this premise. "It's just a sensation". **Second,** say something along the lines. "Okay anxiety sensation, let's take a look at you." "You're here, you demand my attention. You got it. I'm going to take a look at you". **Third**, look with your mind's eye to the anxiety. It will usually be located in the tight chest, or in the belly, or in the mind. Wherever it is, put your mind's eye towards it. Focus FULLY on it. Feel it. Feel that tightness, feel that scary feeling. It should dissipate, at least partially. **DON'T just pretend to look at it. Really, really, FULLY look at it and feel it.** I know that the first reaction you have is to RUN AWAY from this sensation. Push it away, run from it, ignore it. And I know that it's scary to go towards it, to look at it. But if you do it just once you'll internalize for yourself that it's just a sensation. It will be much easier next time you look at the anxiety. **I hope this technique helps you. 😊** **PS:** Another (easier) technique is to relax your face. There is a nervous (physical) link between muscles in the face and anxiety. Relax the muscles of your jaw, your eyes, your forehead. Feel your face melting . It should provide an instant decrease in anxiety. Do this for 2 or 3 minutes at least to get results. This is my to-go technique when I need to let go and relax. **PPS:** I've released a meditation game (Gamitate) but I can't post links here due to self promotion rules. It has lots of techniques for anxiety reduction. If you're interested PM me or leave a comment, I'll send you the details.

Anyone else get anxiety at night for no apparent reason? I had a good day, no anxiety all day, but now I’m sitting here with that crawling feeling in my stomach and heart racing for no reason. What’s up with that??

This is absolutely weird, is it not? My therapist asked me what I needed once. I said encouragement. She said she'd send me some encouraging emails while she was out of state for a couple weeks. I felt awkward accepting this, but I did. A couple weeks later, I noticed she would miss days and then apologize for it. This made me feel really guilty. I felt just strange and guilty from the beginning, even if I wasn't fully aware of that uncomfortable feeling. The emails were not exactly encouraging. They were these little snippets, kind of odd, like, "There was a great downpour last night. Today, the flowers look rejuvenated. Take good care.". I mean, I really did appreciate the intent... But when she began apologizing for missing days, I just told her that it was no longer necessary. This was like a couple weeks even after she got back. I felt they would be temporary, even just an encouragement right then and there in her office when she first asked. What I could not communicate at the time was that all of this therapy stuff was difficult...I just wanted some human encouragement, like something real. Our sessions often felt so clinical (even if effective on a physiological level.) So what happened when I told her she could stop? Nothing. She ignored me, and just kept sending them. Like two weeks later, I brought it up again....at this point I was confused, trying to figure out what the reason was, like did I need these and wasn't aware that I needed them? What happened when I brought it up the second time? Nothing. Ignored me, kept sending. So 4 days later I am very vocal about it. Suddenly, she describes these emails as a "care plan" and that she can't discuss a care plan outside of a session. (We had had at least three sessions since I first said to stop.). My next session is in like 3 days and, what does she do? Keeps sending them up to the session. A month after my original request, she finally talks about it. She acts all professional and clinical about it, doesn't even acknowledge that she ignored me twice, doesn't acknowledge that the whole thing was weird. But next, right after she asks me (lol), "so you'd like to end the emails?" she starts telling me that she is my therapist, not a friend...so if I send her emails she will just reply, "thanks for sharing.". This made me dissociate big time, because it reminded me of my cult....how I was shunned essentially for growing so dependant on them.... But the weird thing is that I told her early on that I didn't like how this daily interaction was making me feel dependant. Sometimes I'd reply to her encouragement with a reply. Sometimes I'd send an email just sharing something in general. Our sessions we did no talking about stuff, just working with the body. That whole time I had all these things I was needing to talk about with someone (in another thread about her refusing to talk about an ex partner). Her encouragements actually began making me have breakdowns..,.they made me feel very sad. I felt guilty that I began sending her my thoughts or questions, and then she called me out on it. It was a cult flashback, I guess. Before the encouragement emails, we didn't interact by email except very occasionally. Thank you for any thoughts you have about this. Was it valid for me to think the situation was incredibly weird, and even disengenuous when it got to having to halt the care plan in person?

My partner is the most amazing person I know. She's my best friend and we tell each other everything. We've been together for three years and I can't imagine life without her. The last few days I have been suffering with massive anxiety attacks. My anxiety likes to attach itself to my horrible intrusive thoughts and replay them in my head over and over. I've had numerous thoughts in the past about someone coming to my house and killing me. This is of course incredibly irrational. My latest anxiety attack is my horrible brain telling me to leave her. To run away forever and abandon everything I know and start new somewhere. These thoughts are driving me crazy and are exhausting me to the very end. I love her dearly and have no wish or desire to leave her but my idiot anxiety brain spirals and says otherwise. This is not totally new for me as my anxiety has often interfered in my life. Whenever I'm relaxed or doing something I enjoy I can feel my anxiety creeping up to remind me it exists and never get too comfortable. It's awful, truly awful and I would never wish this on anyone else. I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through something like this? I'm on zoloft and in therapy as well. My goal is to climb out of this anxiety hole and get control of my life.

i dont even know where to start. my fp is my boyfriend of almost a year. i met him when i was at quite a low point. i felt like i was never gonna be loved again , after i got out of a really abusive relationship. he made me happy , he was my reason to go on , my everything. and he still is. but , things changed. starting in november , he started growing distant. he met a guy , which i recently found out , he cheated on me with. for a long time. at one point , we brought him into our relationship ( yeah , i was dating him too. ) , and he left us fairly quickly , he was quite toxic. my boyfriend grew very bitter , and cut him off immediately. he left the guy he loved for a year in 2 days and hes fine. it scared me , honestly. it fucked me up. he also realized he might be a sociopath. the thing is , during the poly triad relationship , i finally finally got affection off of him again. he left , and so did that. now im being left alone again. he got along well with the dudes boyfriend / ex. too well for my tastes. hes been constantly posting how he's in love with him , and i cant take it. i want to murder the fucker , solely for that. hes distant , he leaves me on read , and he doesnt care about me anymore. i tried to kill myself , and he didn't care at all. im so so desperately trying to get his attention , his affection , anything. i need him , i depend on him completely. im so stupidly jealous and ive been nonstop crying for two days. i just want it to stop , i want things to go back to the way they were. i want his attention, i want his affection. i want to stop having to beg for his attention. i need to beg , and cry until he even calls me. he used to call me everyday. now , he just. doesnt care. tl;dr : my fp is leaving me , he doesnt love me anymore , no one cares about me , and i cant stand being alone. i just want to be loved by him. i. cant cope. and its so so hard.

My sister has had issues from since she was in middle school which first started off as OCD and then progressed into depression and Anxiety. She has made my family life hell, my parents bend over backwards trying to do everything for me and she treats everyone like shit. She thinks that I get better treatment from my parents and it’s simply that I communicate in a nicer way so we have a better relationship. She has tantrums and outbursts and says hateful things and cries. I do think she doesn’t mean everything she says and lacks emotional regulation and maturity but the words still hurt. Her tone still hurts. She is a miserable negative person who can never see the good in things and she is convinced that nothing will ever be good for her. My parents have paid for her therapy which she quit. They paid for her medication which she quit taking. She just sits in her room all day. I get so anxious when she comes out because I never know what mood she will be in. She makes my parents cry out of stress and pain and still thinks that she is the victim and that she is being bullied. I hate her so much for causing them this pain. I have told my parents to back off but they refuse to quit on her due to her suicidal threats in the past. I feel so sick to my stomach and my chest is always tight. She is so selfish and her outbursts leave me on edge. She is 23 years old and so fucking immature. I am filled with so much rage and resentment that she does this and has no self awareness. She is convinced that everyone hates her and she spews that anger on us. It is so fucking unfair and I have no one to talk to who would understand the complexity of this. It is not all entitlement, there is mental illness involved, but I’m sick of seeing the toll it has taken on us. I feel so sick and down and there’s not a single soul who understands.

I was wondering if anyone else with BPD experiences a fear of being alone. What I mean by this is that I have trouble being alone for even a few minutes, because when I'm alone the emptiness hits me. It'll feel like I don't exist as a person; like my personality has left me. I don't quite know what causes these feelings, and was wondering if it's related to my diagnosis. Any thoughts?

It's strange.. I was feeling okay a moment ago, but then out of nowhere I just got a sudden burst of sad emotions enter me, and I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying against my pillow in my dark room.. I feel like breaking down.. I feel so stupid and broken..

So, apparently it's a normal thing to have plans for your future and prepare stuff. I'm almost 30 now and tbh, up until recently I had no plans for my future whatsoever. I couldn't really ever imagine myself to live past 40 or something, so I just didn't think about it. Lived day to day. My new boyfriend made me start thinking about my future, career choices, savings and investions. But now I feel lost in another anxiety... I have almost no savings yet and no real career ambitions. Until now, I've only gotten promoted at jobs because my bosses liked my work and forced me to (lol), never because I asked for it. Soooo no idea and no motivation to think about what I could do :((

whenever something "bad" happens, like someone attack me or my interests, or make a certain comment about something SO insignificant like how they have the same shoes as me (which apparently i find triggering for whatever reason), my mind would immediately hit the self-destruct button. from one thing that i'm hyperfixating on, suddenly there are now A THOUSAND triggering memories and that's when i just mentally shut off, because i can't handle any of it. i'm angry, sad, frustrated and evetything in between as in the meantime, my rational side is trying to help itself not to go any crazier. i end up in this vicious circle of never being okay with any decision, any action anyone takes, let alone being okay WITH MYSELF, and no one is trying to understand me anymore, because i'm always "in a bad mood" for something. i feel absolutely alone when i'm sharing about this particular struggle of mine due to the immediate response of "you're using it as an excuse to be bitchy to others!!!!". in reality, i just need them to be more patient with me and respectful, because i don't think they know how hard it is to fight with yourself every day about everything and nothing in the same time

It had been about 2 years since my last mania, which made me not recognize when my last one began a few weeks ago. But, at 3am I was scrubbing every pair of shoes I own after I had already spent the day deep cleaning every aspect of my house. You'd think the preceding 4 days of hypersexuality would have clued me in. The mania had gone in a day or two after I cleaned everything, but my energy for cleaning has not. I have been a slob my whole life. It's especially bad when I'm depressed, but my home is only clean when I'm expecting guests. For the last three weeks I have kept every room of my home immaculate. (I have a toddler, it has been no easy feat) I'm not sure what changed in my brain, but I'm loving having a clean home! Maybe next mania can cure my executive dysfunction! Lol

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I need friends and I need people who understand and who I can talk to but I also need to get out of the house. We can walk around and go to a Cafe or Frankie's Fun Park or just do something. Together. In person. Out of the house. Anyone in?

My hairs falling out I've got no eyes With or without I'm doomed, suns out I only feel right in dark Only feel shadow's mark I'm gasping, no air Sun shines, I'm bare I'm barely there, I'm barely here I don't exist, I disappear Into couch cushions, into abyss Girl gone wrong, no one to miss No one misses me Not sunlight, not dark, not he, not she Not them, not they For without me, Sun will touch down And in its rays I will drown My hairs falling out I've got no brain With or without I've got no body All I know is pain

I have been passed from person to person after being hospitalised in February and I have yet to land anywhere. I have been referred but nothing has ever taken off or the places say they never received a referral for me. I am going to bug my doctor for a referral once more soon as I really want help as I feel like bpd though enlightening about who I am it is also feels like I'm condemned to never be okay. It makes me feel like I will never be able to escape from the moods and reckless relationships and all else I endure. What I want to know is can anyone describe how therapy has helped them? Do you feel free?

hi guys I was wondering if feeling almost non-existent and like you don’t really belong anywhere something that people with BPD feel frequently? bc sometimes I feel so empty, so repressed and unmotivated by everything that I could cry. it’s a truly horrible feeling that I get. sometimes I get it unprovoked and other times it’s because of something bad that happened in my life it’s a recurrent thing for me to feel like ~no one cares about me~ sadness~emptiness and then the emptiness stays for hours and I can’t shake it for so long i’m also currently isolating myself from everyone, I deleted all of my social media, recently cut off all contact with an abusive person that was probably my FP and am just concentrating on my upcoming exams and essays. so I do notice that I feel Empty much more often than when I am filling myself with distractions such as love interests, social media, alcohol ect but I am FAR more stable I only cried once so far this week... yes I know that it’s Tuesday

First I’d like to start off by saying that this won’t be in any way grammatically correct, I’m currently crying in a dark bedroom in an AirBnB hiding away from my family and I really just want help. Also I’m a 15 year old girl so cut me some slack. I don’t laugh, and I used to be a very giggly person. About 2 years ago I started slowly disconnecting from my friends and family, and covid made it 10 times worse. I also struggle with extreme social anxiety. I struggle to look at my aunts, uncles, and cousins in the eye and can’t hold conversations without tearing up, and I really don’t know why it makes me so emotional. What I’m really struggling with is my inability to have any sort of positive feeling anymore. I’ve always been a negative nancy(I think I inherited it from my dad) but the way I feel is so extreme and draining. What really sets me off is when I’m out at family events and I hear all of my cousins and family laughing their asses off and having a grand old time with one another while I hide on the couch just scrolling through my phone trying to not go through a breakdown. I’m so terribly awkward and avoid everything. This causes me to just absolutely fall apart which confuses me, because I immediately think I’m emotionally numb but then I read that they don’t really cry either. It also makes it all the worse because I would think maybe antidepressants were the answer, but it says that they can cause it. I’ve also heard that something must be wrong in my brain, like a chemical inbalance and such which could never be cured. I’ve tried going to therapy once about two years ago and it was the worst experience of my life, and my mom just gave up on it immediately. I have never opened up to friends or my parents because I have always been the independent sarcastic girl who hasn’t really had emotional conversations if that makes sense? One of my biggest fears is crying in front of people and I know once I get my first sentence out I’m going to be an absolute wreck. If anybody has any possible solutions or ideas as to what I’m going through, it would be deeply appreciated.

Bro nobody’s looking, nobody cares when they see you. No need to feel anxious in public, nobody even has a second thought when they see your plain lookin self.

I'm not entirely sure what to think or feel right now. I am terrified I'm developing a new FP. I'm so scared it's not funny. I am trying to hard not to bolt on her. My last FP was my best friend for about 10 years and then basically ghosted me after doing some interpersonal effectiveness skills I learned in DBT. I have this friend, it's been about 2 years since I've known her. She's been there for me for everything and I'm deadly scared she's becoming my new FP. I just started taking Wellbutrin again and I was drinking with her and an old work friend. I blacked out almost an entire day not remembering they're contraindicated. She told me I kept punching myself in the head at night and she held me till I fell asleep. I woke up completely disoriented not knowing where I was. She told me she knew how to deal with it because she did the same. I apologized and apologized like a wounded puppy. I'm so scared to lose her now that I've let her in. Knowing she held me when I did that... it means so much. That she would hold me until I fell asleep to stop myself from hurting myself. Has anyone else had any positive responses to their destructive behaviour? She promises me she won't leave and part of me actually believes that for once. How would you react knowing your FP held you to sleep trying to punch yourself?

I’ve been suicidal for a week now and am considering going to the er. I hate hospitals and being treated like a mental patient but I don’t feel like myself anymore. Thoughts?

I don't even know what to say, he disappeared, yesterday he was there and today he's not there anymore. I named him after an important person in my life because I wanted to see him grow up to become a beautiful and healthy cat and now he doesn't exist anymore. I never thought I was going to consider suicide because of a stupid cat but if he's gone what's left? What am I supposed to be happy for? If a truck had hit me today on my way home and I died instead of him he would be still there playing with his mother and brothers and this makes me want to violently injure myself right now. I crave seeing my blood because the world is just dark and dull rn. And i hate myself because I am feeling all of this just because of a stupid fucking cat. Not even his mother is suffering as much as I'm doing. And all I hear from the people around me is that it's my fault because I didn't have to get attached to a stray cat. I just want to fucking cut myself deep enough to spray them all with my blood. I don't believe in God but if there is someone up there I just want to know how the fuck did they think it was right to take away an innocent cat and leave a grossly ill human down there to perish. Every single one of those small things drives me further towards my death and maybe that's only a good thing.

I am trying to be less of a codependent person. Whenever I do something I always have someone come with me. Mainly because I get lots of anxiety in the beginning in unfamiliar territory. I would be the type of person who if a friend cancels I just wouldn't go and just stay at home. I can't revolve my life around other people's schedules. After the pandemic I am learning to be more independent. I traveled to parts of the states by myself but actually traveling outside in a foreign country alone is the next big step. I literally have 2 weeks left of vacation and I can't bring myself to book a ticket and room. Basically psyching myself going to foreign country, don't really know the language, having to communicate with people, and having to get a negative PCR for my flight back to the US. The other option is just stay home and do nothing lol. Anyone can relate?

So, uhm, I hope this is the right subreddit for this, if not I'm sorry. Anyway this is about my best friend in regards to what I think. So firstly I think he is a wonderfull person in my life, that's not issue. The issue is that I keep having irrational thoughts about he hating me, or me upsetting him with every word I say. Now he tells me that this is not true, and I do believe him. It's just that sometimes I just get these thoughts, without any real reason behind them. And I feel like, the times I thought this have gotten progressively more, and now I am legit worried about upsetting him, and really anyone I know, just because I think I keep annoying them with my thoughts.

I’m struggling I have been trying different medications since may, none have workEd. And it’s probably because I’m so scared about what they will do to me and my brain long-term. Then people tell me to just eat all natural and it will fix everything, And I eat pretty healthy as is and I’m willing to try anything but at this point I just feel crazy is trying all these medication will it cost me to feel even worse? I only took each of them for less than a week aside from BuSpar which was three weeks. Stopped for 4 days And I’m currently trying that again because I feel like it was helping and I was worse without it but idk? I’m only on day two of picking it back up and I’m struggling probably because it’s gonna take time to work again. And I’m too scared to even take hydroxyzine with it as needed , because I don’t wanna feel even more lightheaded and dizzy. And tired. I can feel everyone around me getting sick of this but it’s only getting worse for me internally and I feel really alone. I won’t even drive at all now and at least before I was driving some. I even wondered if I should be in a mental hospital just to get the right diagnosis and help like I feel crazy one minute and then the next minute I feel pretty calm and OK so I don’t know what’s happening to me. In 2020 I had bariatric surgery and I had some issues and then I went back in A few months later and had my gallbladder removed. Then I lost a lot of weight and felt the best I felt in a long time and then in 2021 I lost my stepdad very unexpectedly and then not even a month later I lost my dog unexpectedly, and then in 2022 in April I got a migraine while my husband and I were on a vacation having a great time and I lost my vision which spiraled my anxiety before the migraine and since then I have not been the same. I have physical symptoms that are getting worse and mentally it’s getting worse and I feel like I have no idea what’s going on and I cannot get a handle on it. I’m going to get my hormones checked as well because you never know. They say Busapr is a very mild medicine and it’s good for me to try but I’m afraid it’ll make me feel worse or not work and I’ll waste even more time and I’m just really needing some words of encouragement. My husband is phenomenal but I know he’s gotta be getting sick of this and I don’t want to do This to him anymore , I wanna be the happy positive wife again. I’m sick of crying and I’m sick of feeling panic and I’m sick of feeling lightheaded and dizzy and all these weird physical symptoms which is what I spiral about mostly because I have medical anxiety but worse then ever now. I’ve had so many test done and still I worry. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I cannot get out of my own head and move on, idk what’s wrong with me :-( I feel crazy and no one is really listening I feel. Just throwing meds At me over and over and over. Thanks !

Friends is short, never really initiate conversation both in text or in person really even though when we do talk we genuinly have great connections but that's not it. The part that really pisses me off is wealth. How in the fuck can you have three houses and two car's? It baffles the mind, and when they rub it in your face "Oh im going to my house in \*location\* over the weekend. Or "im going to europe" it just sort of comes off as being dicks....could just be me venting but truth is Im very jealous, Like insanely jealous that I can't have a life of luxury that they get to enjoy, Party's at manors while I have to work 80+ hours a week. Life isn't fair, I know but when you realise it, it tends to piss you off way more than you care to admit.

I get jobs, I have them for a few months at a time, then I inevitably quit my job unannounced, lose everything, mostly my mind and then... it's job hunting time... only it takes me over a month to get a new job. Then the cycle continues. I honestly am at a loss, I've gotten to a point where I've all but given up on getting a job. I just don't know if I can do this anymore, I need a job... but most importantly I feel like I will only take a job if I like the work. Idk if it's pride of fear, but my mind resists it knowing full well the consequences of being Jobless without a plan B... Does anyone relate? Any advice?

I am feeling so alone and useless. I already know that I'm going to get some negative comments from me posting this and I'm ready for them . Im 49 y/o single and I don't have any friends I feel that everyone does everything possible to avoid unless they want something from me " money or for me to do something for them ". I go and do things by myself and it's so depressing. I have attempted to ask women out on a date but I end up getting ghosted. Im so tired of everything and I'm so tired of feeling like I don't matter to anyone.