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Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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My father - all of my life - has shifted between a wonderful person and a monster. At his best, he is supportive, calm, positive, funny, caring. At his worst, he is vicious, selfish, hateful, paranoid, mean, abusive, and hurtful. He has become an alcoholic slowly in the past decade. I believe he has BPD - but has blatantly and combatively refused to get help everytime it has been brought up in the past. Fast forward - I carried a lot of baggage on my shoulder which led to quite a bit of self medication. I've been relatively successful in my career choice, although it is an arduous journey in my chosen profession. A year ago, I decided to move in with my grandparents to prepare for doctoral school, find a job to get some finances in order, and get the monkey off of my back. That summer, he was offended I wasn't going to him for help (which of course, he can not provide, and would do far more to destruct me than help me). He wanted me to work with him (he does independent landscaping) and when I refused to work with him, he lashed out. In a drunken stupor, he called me and left over 15 voice mails that were viscous and disgusting. He is excellent at finding people's weaknesses and pouncing on them. Again, something he has done all of my life. After a few days, I called him and told him if he ever talked to me that way again, it would be the last time he talked to me. Well, fast forward a year and half. I've moved away to another state to start doctoral school and am free from the burdens I have had in the past. I am doing very well at school, although I still sometimes deal with residual of the past. My dad started doing it again. He called on a Sunday night. On Monday at 8am, I teach a class at my university. So I go to bed relatively early, but at 11:30 he started texting and calling me. I told him I had to get up early, knowing he was drunk (after listening to a voice mail), that he needed to stop. This escalated everything. I don't know what got in to me, but I decided to escalate him as far as I could go. I threw, for once, everything he gave me right back at him. I told him, that night, there would be consequences - I reminded him of my ultimatum, but he would not stop. I blocked his number, and his voice mails still went to my inbox, eventually filling it up. So HERE's MY question...finally...I have told him (after a week of getting terrible text messages and phone calls) that I will not contact him until he has seen a doctor, started therapy, and sought out medication. Can someone, or many of you, please help me here? This is something he NEEDS - or I fear he will either commit suicide or drink himself to death. Both have been fears of the past. How do I help him, but at the same time retain and reinforce my boundaries that he has torn down my entire life in efforts to control me. Please. Halp.

I have health anxiety where I go to the doctor all the time because of a simple headache or acid reflex and I think im having a heart attack or I look stuff up on google and I think I have cancer. I need some tips please I cant live like this.

I was thinking about the differences between BPD and C-PTSD and the major aspect seems to be that there are people with BPD who didn't experience any trauma (say 20% or something?) Is there anyone here who had a "normal" childhood who ended up with BPD? I mean, without emotional abuse, neglect, invalidation, etc? Sometimes I wonder whether the percent that reports no trauma actually were traumatised in some way but just forgot about it? (Dissociation). On a side note, what would you say are the differences between BPD and complex trauma?

Let me preface this by saying that I promise I'll be ok. I'll talk to my therapist, whom I trust and is very very good to me, on Wednesday. But this needed to come out right now. For one second, it came into my mind as the solution to everything. - I wouldn't have to feel unloved, misunderstood, and unworthy of love in my relationship - I wouldn't have to feel interchangable in my role as a dad, to feel like my personality has nothing to do with raising a child, like it's just "shut up and check all the boxes, and If you miss certain boxes it might have irreparable repercussions and we won't tell you which boxes those are." - I wouldn't have to feel pressure to take care of my sick parents, coz that's all they want, they refuse any other form of help - I wouldn't have to feel the bottomless guilt of not taking care of my parents at all, despite the above statement. - wouldn't have to worry about being acceptable and performant at my new job, a job I like a lot, but the impostor syndrome is the main feeling from 9-5. - wouldn't have to think that having a kid was a mistake in this day and age, seeing how the world seems to betting worse and worse in every possible aspect. - wouldn't have to feel like I'm not worthy of any contact, coz all my friends message eachother and have social lives online, despite COVID, and yet I'm part of none of that. - wouldn't have to feel guilty and ashamed that I stopped training, used to do it 3-5x a week just by passion and curiosity and it all had to stop coz of a janky knee. - wouldn't have to feel like I'd be bothering the people in my life by telling them "I'm not okay." - wouldn't have to worry about my personal morals, beliefs, religious views, which are impossible to discuss with anyone because it's all dismissed as "opinion at best, religious fanaticism at worst." - wouldn't have to feel angry at myself for no reason. Just straight up no reason, yet always always angry. I hate myself so gratuitously, it's sickening. - wouldn't have to feel sorry for opening up in the slightest to my SO, because no matter how much tact, care, and attention I put into a discussion, it always blows up in my face. I have yet to experience "you and me versus the problem." - wouldn't have to feel responsible for my immediate family's uncontrollable patterns, because if I'm in control of myself and my patterns and they arent in control of theirs, obviously it's up to me to help them, right? - wouldn't have to feel selfish and egotistical at making this post, in a place where it can trigger actually suicidal people, despite the fact that I purposefully avoid this subreddit, knowing that it might trigger me suicidally without me ever having felt it before. - wouldn't have to feel... think... Do... Be... If my life has been the constant contraction of a muscle, death would be the much needed relaxing of that muscle. Thanks for reading, I'm sorry you had to see that. I do promise to you and myself that I'll be okay. But this was the first time in my life that suicide came into my mind as the answer.

I've been exploring this forum for awhile, and just did a couple silly BPD tests online, answering based on the feelings that my ex SO has told me she feels. She exhibits all the classic symptoms and has a history of intense unstable relationships, either adores me to death or hates me and has an incredibly hard time understanding any sort of pain that is caused to her: either as a response to her meanness or in terms of friends dropping out of her life completely without warning. When I hear her talk about what has happened to her, it is clear to me that she is the issue but she seems to be totally ignorant to it. Even during our own disputes, all of her traits (manipulative, have to walk on egg shells around her, mean and then nice, unempathetic) she blames me for instead of seeing herself at fault. Now I've tried to talk to her a lot but if I direct any sort of accusation towards her or try to explain that maybe she has to take some responsibility for herself, she goes into a rage and suddenly I'm the worst person in the world. Clearly she needs help, but it's looking like there's no way that I can tell her that. As much as I'd love to help her understand, and as much as this all makes me so sad it's seeming like it's impossible and the more I try, the more pain I only seem to cause myself. Now I am thinking that the only solution for me is to do what some of her friends have done and to block her out completely. Could I hear from anyone else on here that could maybe give me some sort of advice or insight?

so tired of working so hard, Im already black so p have to perform 3 times harder to get basic recognition, them my whole work career has been me getting ostracized for basic mistakes and barley getting recognized for outstanding achievements. im so FUCKING tired of living or doing anything positive. rapist, murderer, haters and fucking manipulative assholes have a bettet life than me and all I tried to do was be non malicious and pull my weight. im so close to just fucking murking someone to relive stress..... i want help.

I just need help getting through right now and today

It's been a year now, well over a year actually, when my love (the conniving, promiscuous, cheating bitch) tortured my heart. Making me believe we could work through all our issues and boundaries, eventually blossom the relationship. NOPE! The whole time within the final 4 months, she masterfully found another dick to land on before pulling the carpet under my feet. I watched her leave the house, night after night, all dressed up as sexys as she could, take of her engagement ring, then spend all night at the bars, then come home later smelling of booze. And she said it was my fault I'm causing her to drink like this, among other hurtful statements...she even took off her engagement ring when doing this. I (36yr Male) tried my absolutel best to help find solutions to keep her in my life...she's was my fiance for God sakes, so we were supposed to be planning a wedding...not find ways to end it. I tried couples counseling, which she quit on the first day because she (32F) said to me that "I was too honest" with the counselor. We would fight all the time about how I don't give her enough money, or not take her out to more bars or restaurant, or buy her more clothes, or that we don't have enough friends to hangout with. When in fact, I excelled at everything trying to make her happy...it was never good enough. I was there for her every time she went into a depression episode and drink herself in the closet with a bottle of wine and mix it with her Wellbutrin or prozac, and ambien (for the 7th time in a year). We were together for over 4 years, 2 of them engaged and living together. Over the course of our relationship, I started noticing behavior that is indicative of hiding things: sneaking around my back, not answering phones, takes iPhone in the bathroom with here, doesn't come home, comes home reeking of booze, never let's me touch her phone to check the time. She became hostile and violent when she's drunk, then acted like everything is okay in the mornings. This was an endless cycle with this person...and yet, I am the one to blame, but in reality I was trying to find her help to stop as her Father. I was so stupid believing her at face value. She manipulated me at every level. She hid her depression disorder and medication from me for over a year, she hid her family from me because her partners are both trainwrecks (mom is a 3rd time divorced Alcoholic) (dad bi-polar degenerate criminal). I was working as a police officer at this time and she is an assistant property manager for Villas at Sonterra in San Antonio for the community we lived in. Many nights when I was patrolling the streets as a Cop, I try calling to check up on her wellbeing. No answers, voicemails, not even home...the whole time she's been out at the bars drinking like a fish...I imagine mixing it with the depression meds. But what she doesn't know even to this day, is I now suffer depression and PTSD from what she put me through over the years. I'm now in pain even after I to make her happy. I promise to anyone reading this that I am truly was a victim to her domestic manipulating and emotional abuse. She planned her exit by attaching her waggon to another younger man with more money and less attractive to than me...and then threw me to my parents house, out of my own home. She then plastered pictures of them two together all over Facebook and Instagram not even 3 days after I moved out. It killed me on the inside that someone you loved deeply could do this by someone whom supposedly loves you back. It took so much energy and pain forcing myself not look at her social media, or investigate this new person, or not follow her to this guys new house, or watch him go over to my own apartment building where we both once lived together. So now to the main point of this article: as I've been trying to heal and move on from this awful person. I turned on our "shared " desktop computer and found that she had left her Yahoo account open with the password visible. One click and I'm in, and now I can see everything...all of it dating back to when she met this guy. All ubur rides, and receipts, plan tick trips together. I have all this starring me in the face...and all I want is revenge now.... Please give me two options of what you would do. Or just suggest what I should do😔😒 I hate this person so much from what she did to me and using me. But I still find myself loving her. Please,,,I'm lost with this emotion. Any ideas are well...any Thank you for you help

it literally makes me so guilty that i can’t stand it. i don’t know how to explain it, but the fact that he’s nice to me just makes me feel like shit. i don’t deserve his kindness or his care. at all. he doesn’t realize how awful i am. he says he’s there for me and he has been, but i feel nothing but guilt whenever i need him. anyone else feel this way?

It's really tiring,, Someone is angry? I'll be upset too. Someone is sad? Well now time to want to die as well. I feel guilt because my friend is not really having a good day even if I had nothing to do with making him feel unwell in any way. Yet it's all my fault somehow, that's what my brain is telling me. I try to be happy around him so he feels better but I'm just making it worse, annoying him. It's like, my life revolves around this person as of now, so if they feel sad, that's how it's gonna be for me as well. How do I just stop feeling so much. I'm usually ok because I'm just numb but now I can't do it, I'm just attacked by unnecessary feelings. ​ To clarify, it's not feeling sad about someone feeling sad. It becoming sad in general for yourself due to someone else being that way. Weird to describe.

Well in all truths if i ddnt have parents or siblings, i wouldnt kill myself. i would do drugs. Be happy asf and then see what happens. But i do have family that i dont wanna hurt. I wish they were as nihilistic as me and were cool with me killing myself. Im so nihilistic when my sister said im gonna kill myself last year i was like, since youre suffering that sounds pretty rational, so we said our goodbyes and ended the call. It was on the phone. Eventually i did call her back sobbing and told her not to do it. I did smoke weed back then and had different glimpses of what life can be and is for some people. You can really be constantly happy if youre lucky to be born with good brain chemistry. You can really feel things, truly care about life, tomorrow and loved ones. And so, my nihilistic self was combatting my new emotions that i had never felt, which explains that interaction with my sister. I was truly happy at that time. Getting high was all i did. And it enabled me to turn into a happy productive person. However im not promoting getting high since it eventually fucked me up. It did show me that i can actually be happy though, and so i am on a path of trying different medication to try and cure my depression until i find one that fixes me but i would rather get worse trying to get better than live out the rest of my days like this.

I hate being alive. It's all been an endless struggle, and I got nothing to show for it except a significantly decreased mental health. I can't do anything. I am useless, I can't get a job, and I can't summon the strength to actually get control of my life anymore. I just want to drink myself to death. And I want to say that the worst thing I hear from well wishers is "well you can't stop hoping". Well, when am I allowed stop? When do I get to not have to keep up some fools hope for something that doesn't happen? I just want to die. I am so fucking exhausted of trying. I can't try anymore. I am exhausted. So fucking exhausted.

I’ve been sitting on this for a couple of days now and don’t know what to think. I don’t feel depressed. In fact, I feel pretty level headed at the moment. But I don’t get excited about anything? If I do, its either fake excitement OR genuine for a minute and once I reach whatever I’m excited about it’s almost instant gratification and the excitement is over. I don’t find this depressing by any means, I just find it normal. Does anyone else feel this way or is this not normal??

Hey, I'm so sorry I'm messaging you this early, I hope it doesn't wake you I just wanted to text you so I can see what you say when I wake up. Im sorry I missed our appointment, I didn't mean to I over slept and was scared. I want to setup another therapy and I think I might come back to group if thats ok. I relapsed for 2 days because of Melanie. On September 26th I went and made "amends" with her, I thought we were fine then. But she then found reasons to text me 4 times this month and then argue me for like an hour or more at a time. The only time I messaged her first was her birthday when I told her happy birthday and hoped she had a really good day. But on our anniversary the 5th she cussed me out for hours knowing it was the 5th, that's when I relapsed. We were supposed to get married that day and that would of been 6 years. I know she did it on purpose. Then she found 3 other times to do it. None like the 5th. And then 2 days before my birthday she went to nyc where her sister lives and partied. She was jealous of me and my friend madison I guess she thinks we are doing stuff but I'm not I only ever wanted to be with one person and I still want that to be Melanie. But nyc she was going to bars and clubs flirting with guys. Even tho on the 26th she said she's not interested in anyone at all and finds no one attractive and was trying to find her self. Then on my birthday she went to the club and was grinding on some dude who gave them vip and invited them to a private party. She was also flirting with a lot of guys and girls. And her bra was gone when she left the club. This isn't her, my birthday must of caused a lot of conflict for her so she split and did the opposite of what she would normally do and did what she knew I would hate. She was acting like we might get back together one day, we were each others first. We used to want to keep it that way forever. She even used to have a rule dating for a year before sex, but I'm so sure she did that in nyc... I'm not certain... but she won't text me back, and she always text me back. The way she's acting seems like she regrets stuff too.... and people with bpd often go out and have sex to try to feel the void that never works and they feel worse after. I can deal with the kissing flirting and grinding.... we aren't together. But I can't handle anything like sex oral or hand stuff. Only bc she has her own strong rule on it, if she didn't have that rule I wouldn't care as much. But it's HER rule. After this I'm over her, I'm not even jealous of what happened. I just hope she didnt cause her self more pain, I care about her more than anything. I know her more than anyone, and she hates on people who go out to clubs and have one night stands. But in the state of mind she was in I can see her doing that, and super drunk. And she gets horny when she's drunk and acts stupid. And her sister is a hoe, so that didn't help. Melanie acts like whoever she's around, she doesn't have her own personality..... I just hope she used protection...: being that messed up she might not of, it's not like it's something she thinks of when she thinks of sex. We haven't used one in 4 years. I just don't want her to get pregnant or get an STD. I'd feel so bad for her..... and I know if she did have sex she's going to regret it forever.... she thinks it's special and sacred too only for special people.... and only being with one person you don't normally go out and do that until youve been with a few... but all her friend right now are like screw relationships men suck don't get stuck for one again be independent! You go girl ! I'm sorry for all this, I've just been freaking out and people are telling me I just need to stop bc she doesn't care about me anymore.... but I don't want her back, I just want her ok. I just want her to text me and tell me she had a good time in nyc but she blocked me when she went to the club.... I love her... I just want to be her friend

I hate that stigma attached to working with BPD. I work in LD (learning difficulties) care and was required to attend training on BPD (was called by EUPD but will stick to BPD) in which the psychologist seemed intent on enforcing the ideas that you can’t work with BPD. I mentioned that I was diagnosed with BPD the previous year, and she didn’t believe me, asking if the diagnosis was from a professional, and if it is a current diagnosis etc. I have some co-morbid diagnosis’ and have spent the last two years doing and redoing DBT as well as many trial and error medications, and having a professional at work undermine my mental health was so frustrating, especially as most of my colleagues don’t really understand or believe in mental health. I just wish it was more easily accepted.

My Dr prescribed me it for anxiety, the only problem is it’s been making me having a tingling feeling in my arms and that just makes me more anxious, is it normal for that to happen?

Hi, first time poster, I'm not bipolar, but my dad is (official diagnosis), and I am his closest next of kin. A bit of backstory, my dad was diagnosed at the age of 60 around 4 years ago, when he had a major manic episode, with psychosis. He was hospitalised foe a few weeks. He has never been a religious man but all of a sudden he started talking about how he is doing God's work and he needed to right the wrongs in the world, and only he could do it, because he's a genius and literally no one else was on his level. Now I understand that these seemed to be delusions of grandeur which can be common during an episode of mania. He was always a bit eccentric but I never witnessed him having any sort of episode like this when I was growing up. He had a minor relapse not even a year later, when he took it upon himself to stop taking his meds (olanzapine, at the time, he's since been changed to quetiapine). From what I understand after doing quite a lot of research, these episodes of mania make the person feel really good, and because of this don't necessarily recognise anything wrong with them. I think he's still coming to terms with his diagnosis, and he can recognise himself getting in to a depression, which he did around 2 years ago, his first major depressive episode. But he seems to think nothing I wrong with him when going on the up, (everyone else is the problem) which I can understand I guess, because if you're feeling great how can you think anything is wrong? He's had 2 major manic episodes in the last 4 years in which he was hospitalised. So I guess I'm asking, other sufferers of bipolar in particular with episodes of mania with psychosis, can you recognise those symptoms in yourself? Thanks for reading from a concerned daughter, also I live with him as he was living completely alone before I moved in, so that I can help him.

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Started today in midday. I was eating tacos and out of no where I had overwhelming nausea. To the point where I couldn’t even eat one more bite. Ever since I’ve been super nauseated, keep checking my temp (98.3-99.1) and I’m having a tough time calming down thinking I have something bad. Haven’t thrown up but have burping a crap ton today. Anyone else get/have this?!

I was doing well for about half a year and decided to fulfill my dream of owning a dog. I have been dogsitting since I was a teenager and I love being around them. I knew it would be a big challenge for me. However, I would have never thought how overwhelming it could become. Since I got him, I had constant panic attacks and didn‘t sleep. He of course feels my anxiety and gets even more agitated which then makes my anxiety worse. It got so bad that I am hospitalized right now. I just wish I would have known how I would react. The dog is with my parents right now and they are looking for someone who would adopt him. I feel horrible and am full of sadness. I hate myself for becoming someone that just gives their dog away, I used to work at an animal shelter and always judged these people so hard. Now I am one of them and it makes me feel so bad. I don‘t even know why I‘m writing this and posting this here. I just wish I could turn back time.

My partner (M30) and I (28F) have been together for about a year and a half now. Prior to our relationship, I moved across the country to start everything over, I moved to this state alone. I moved because things in my home state were getting so awful, and I needed to leave the environment and I began getting heavy on treating myself and my mental health. I’m talking workbooks, therapy, I even tried medication (although I chose against medication in the end). My point being I was really working on myself when I moved and I’m happy to say I’ve made many improvements. We met on a dating app and everything has been so insanely happy, it’s all been incredible. It’s been so great that he hasn’t really ever seen my BPD behaviors when they reach a peak. This is obviously a positive thing, but this weekend has been a breaking point of multiple factors including professional, social, and romantic. He’s been gone over the weekend and I’ve been a permanent resident on our couch with hardly any movement. I’m being distant and he can tell, and he’s telling me things like “I’m just doing my own thing” and “I’m trying my best and it doesn’t seem good enough.” These statements are making it worse and I’m only getting angrier. I’ve never had an issue with him going away for the weekend with friends. But something about this trip has me spiraling. I’ve had such horrible intrusive thoughts like he doesn’t love me anymore, he’s cheating on me, or he’s breaking up with me when he gets home. He’s never seen me like this, and although he knows about my struggle with BPD, I’m afraid he’s going to think I’m faking it or that I’m being over dramatic because he’s never had to see it. He comes home tomorrow… and I don’t know how to talk to him. Does anyone have any advice? TLDR; my partner is out of town and has never actually seen me truly struggle with BPD. He’s coming home tomorrow to a monster.

Have any of you had experience with derealization? Have you come out of it? Have you taken any medications? I am currently taking escitalopram, I hope it works, but I am so afraid that this derealization will not go away

Does anyone else get frequent delusions that nobody likes them? I'll rotate weekly between individuals I'm convinced are talking badly about me when I'm not there and sometimes that rotation hits everyone including the people I'm closest with. I don't speak or leave my room very much at all during this because I don't want to fuel the dislike and it seems like everything I do like every movement and even where I put my eyes is off putting to the people around me. Everyone tells me to be nicer to myself but I'm not even sure how this is possible.

I feel like I’m alone in this fight. That everyone I reach out to ignores it. I feel like I’m under the ocean trying to breathe as water fills my lungs. I feel like I’m watching my body go through the motions of being alive but my souls lost and dead. I feel like I can’t depend on my own decision making because my brain will get whatever it wants through justification and manipulation. I feel constantly drained and empty. I feel like I can’t sleep because I don’t wanna feel happy. Like I want to keep feeling. I’m afraid if I close my eyes I’ll be numb again.

Soul destroying to say the least, if something stresses me out (bonus points for something out of my control) and I start thinking about, a lot. The thought process usually goes like this: Stress thing happens -> Panic attack, numbness and general misery -> Anxious, thinking I am overreacting -> Concludes I overreacted -> Wonders if I am just justifying it because the original "truth" is too hard to handle -> Freak out, wondering I didn't react hard enough -> Find something else to stress about -> Repeat Usually the same horrible topics rear their foul heads back, but sometimes a new thing likes to come along and freak me out. This, every single day. The worst part? I have no idea what thought process is correct, what the actual truth to the situation is, and maybe worst of all is even if problem is solved forever, I'll just find something else. The current levels of anxiety and stress I feel I'm sure are having ungodly negative long term effects on my health, feels like heart attacks are right around the corner every time I lie down.

Would you please help me with filling this form? Hey there, I need your help. I have attached a google form with this post. The google form contains some questions that will help me know more about you. https://forms.gle/ahKRCoaSuxKBiBz98 (click here) I have to be honest here. I need it for market research, which will help me with my project. Knowing your opinion and struggles will help me evaluate my results and understanding. That being said, I truly sympathize with you and your daily life struggles. I know how hard it is to get rid of social anxiety. I need your help. Thanks for your time and effort. MOD if a post like this is not allowed here, please remove it ASAP; sorry for the inconvenience

I know that they are the same thing, but for some reason I prefer calling my crazy eupd. It just sounds better than borderline, and when people ask what you have, I think it describes it much more succinctly without mine getting into over sharing. What do others feel about it?

I missed a few days meds, it happens, and then I had some emotional crap dumped on just at the wrong time. I think I’m just about holding it together and guided meditation is helping, does anyone have any links to videos they like to use?

So I am bipolar. My boyfriend is bipolar. I wanna find people to be friends with that can relate. Mania, mood swings, stuff like that. My name is Becky, I enjoy reading and writing! I like movies and comedies. I work in a factory type job. I am in the process of moving into a smaller apartment, like a studio. I am excited because it has completely new floors and painted walls! It's going to be so cute! But if you're interested in chatting, comment or message me. If this post isn't allowed go ahead and delete it!

So for context. My friends live on Phillipines. And I'm in Canada. More than 12 hours gap. That's not the wow part. I have not spoken to them despite being easily able to through online communication. For TEN YEARS. I've said I can talk with them anytime but I didn't bring up my crippling fear of getting the talk wrong. All these years with great memory from them while thinking they forgot about what we went through was just a lie! Well I took it upon myself finally to just do it. To say hi. But not just say hi, I made a Playlist that was popular during me and my friends childhood. And I used music to ease my sudden pop in their morning. routine. Everything was just how it was! Same feel, same vibe, with older faces. Some had beards. Some became singers. But all of them are people that I have a history with. Now I can truly have a chat with old friends anytime. I'm going to talk to them on how to visit them in the future next time. Wish me luck ya'll And any tips to be not boring in a chat let me know! When I see them, I'll be a better version of my past. Despite this mental illness that became a barrier!

I am bummed this morning. I realized my smutty mommy porn books are a trigger for hypersexuality. Plus I spend way to much time reading when I should be doing self care (such as sleeping). Its a chicken or egg thing though, as I can't tell if I read them and then become hypomanic, or am driven to read because I am already hypomanic. It gives me all the dopamine hits in my boring life. I dont have a lot of self control with it either, I am always binge reading. Yes it sounds stupid and cringe inducing and I know there are worse things I could be doing. I use it as a coping / escaspism tool and will easily read 1-2 books a day. To put that into perspective I have read 469 books so far this year. I am really bothered at the thought of cutting it off, but I legit might need to. As an example, I was up until 2 am last night reading, then up again at 6:30am (not too bad but easily the first step of a slippery slope). I then immediately started on tiktok and decided I now needed a complete drum set and I was going to be amazing.Then started text my FWB tongue if we can get some flirting / sexting vibes going on today. Then realized instead I should just date someone who already plays music and then sleep with them when they do because music is sexy. And all this is before I left my bed for the morning. I. need. my. sleep. And I need to stop with all the fantasy happy ever after in my books. I just dont think I have the self-discipline to actually quit. I don't know what to do. I am all all or nothing girl and moderation rarely works for me. But I will literally grieve giving up my books as it has been my crutch for the last 20 years.

it’s almost been a year for me and i dread every moment of all my days. i will still wake up and impulsively reach for scissors to cut with occasionally. i am disgustingly naive and childish to let a relationship effect me like this after so long. i wish i knew how to hate her. i wish i hated myself less. i wish i could just fucking snap my fingers and have every woman be obsessed with me. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i still daydream about her killing me because if she did it then at least my last moments would be with her. i want to be abused. i want to be so possessively and violently abused that i know they would never leave because of how much they love to hurt me. i can’t stand this anymore i have no recollection of any joy i’ve ever felt

Hi I am a person with a peBPD and was just wondering if any of you have discarded someone previously, but ever came back full circle around again? Or once you've discarded them it's usually for good? Thanks in advance for any advice 😇

Hello. I've always had a really dark imagination due to anxiety. Because of this, I'm very reactive to scary movies, pictures, sounds, etc., as I take the frightening imagery and make it 100 times worse in my head. Also, I keep reliving the parts that scared me for days, weeks and sometimes even months. One time I was watching a movie with a friend and a particularly scary scene popped up out of nowhere. I had to sleep with a strong light on for about a year. So it's very hard for me to deal with these feelings as you've already understood. Tonight, I was watching a movie with my family that got really violent really quickly. There was a scene in particular that even made my mother change the channel, being so disturbing. It didn't help that the movie was based on a true story and that scene was depicting something that actually happened. My heart kept pounding like crazy for about half an hour after watching that scene and now I'm having trouble sleeping, picturing all sorts of horrible things. I'm afraid I'll focus on this scene like I've done with other movie scenes and have trouble sleeping and focusing for a really long time. I want to be able to deal with this sort of imagery. I want to be able to feel things like any other human but also be able to let go. I want to be able to watch more intense movies without fearing instability. I want to be able to sleep peacefully now :(. Can you help me? Thank you for reading.

I've suffered job related anxiety for awhile - always wanted to quit. But now that the company is getting a little more successful I'm realizing how much my anxiety and depression were relating more towards a fear of failure and not just an ever-present part of me. It feels good. Ironically, now I'm worried that I'll become anxious with the growing success. Just thought I'd share.

I have been working the night shift for about 2 1/2 years and lately I feel disconnected from the world around me. Anyone else out there suffering from depression from working at night?

I feel like most of my anxiety during each day stems from me overestimating how long it takes me to complete the tasks that I mentally prepare for the night before. Usually, this means I'm paralyzed with anxiety and can't finish any task and end up in a negative cycle. Is this crazy?

Music is one of the things that has always helped me the most with my depression/anxiety, and I want to find more songs for a comfort playlist I’m working on. I’m looking for music that’s fun or interesting enough to keep me engaged, but not so busy or cheery that it overwhelms me or I feel disconnected from it. My favorite artist right now is Jimmy Montague (highly recommend his music btw!); his voice and his music strikes the perfect balance for me between being solemn enough to meet me where I’m at, but also the right amount of upbeat and groovy to make me feel better. Sometimes I want to wallow in my sorrows, so I listen to sad music. Sometimes I want to ignore them or cheer myself up, so I listen to happy music. But most of the time, neither approach feels right and I wanna do both at the same time? So I’m looking for more stuff right on that line between gloomy and cheery if that makes sense lol.

I had one of the worst days ever, anxious all day and non stop worrying about unrealistic things. Bad things kept on happening and i was so disappointed. I just feel so overwhelmed and anxious right now.. so tired.. but cant sleep. I really want to feel rational for once in my life. We had an electricity issues and now we have to wait till tomorrow to find out the problem . So i cant sleep i keep on worrying what if the house is gonna burn down . Nobody understands. My family says im paranoid and i just hate the fact that they think anxiety isn't a disorder. Its something in my brain that i can't easily control. I just want someone to tell me its gonna get better. Or at least that its okay to be like that. It gets so exhausting sometimes.

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Yep. Fuck Zyprexa and gabatintin. I've also got severe chronic pain that the gabatintin helps but I'd rather be skinny and not have my husband cheat on me so oh well. He told me he would rather me be skinny than healthy because he's not attracted to fat girls so looks like my eating disorder is making a surprise appearance out of remission! Haha but oh fucking well because I'd rather be pretty and skinny than fat and disgusting!!! But I love the fact that he's overweight but still gets to have an opinion on my BMI being 24!!! Hahahahahaha but oh fucking well I'd rather look good in my fucking coffin!!!! He told me that he doesn't care if I starve myself if it means I get skinny again so Hahahahahaha looks like I'm gonna off myself before I turn thirty!!!! Fuck everything!!!!!!!!

I just need to vent and I’d also like to get some advice/insight on why this may be happening. Since Sunday, I’ve been getting these heart flutters (feels like my heart drops for a few seconds) and it happens a few times throughout the day. Last night it happened 3 times within an hour and literally did the same thing just now. I took my blood pressure and it was normal. I don’t know why my heart is acting like this. Idk if it’s due to stress or anxiety but it’s making me very anxious. There’s no pain or any other symptoms along with it. Are these heart palpitations? Does anyone else experience this? Is it normal? I’d like to think I’m a healthy person but I’m a little worried. I’m 27F, average weight (5’6, 135lbs), been slacking on being active lately. I’m also just generally a very anxious person and suffer from panic attacks weekly

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nobody i know has experienced this & i get so frustrated by it, i just want someone that understands to give me validation. i won’t be anxious (not consciously anyway) while i’m getting ready to go to sleep but when i’m trying to sleep, i’ll start to have a panic attack. it’s usually when i’m almost finally asleep. my body just starts to feel shaky & anxious, my heart will either pound harder or speed up, & it feels like the verge of a panic attack. it’s not something i can usually do anything about, i have to just wait it out. sometimes i’ll just keep my eyes closed & keep moving positions, doing deep breathing to at least try & avoid a whole panic attack until i eventually just fall asleep. but times like tonight, im just trying to distract myself for a little before trying to fall back to sleep again. when this first started happening to me about a year & a half ago, i had to take melatonin every single night for 4 months or i couldn’t sleep because this would prevent me from sleeping. luckily, it doesn’t happen super often anymore & i can kinda combat it better now, but it still really affects me. i have ti get up at 6:45am for work & it’s currently 1am so it affects me physically as well. anyone else experience this? any advice?

It's obviously quite isolating, it's a year longer than I initially thought it'd be. I'm concerned about starting it and regretting it but I'm kinda stuck in a rut at the moment. I'm supposed to be 'self-driven' but I'm generally not.

Hi guys, I'm really hoping for your help processing this. I suffered a pretty public defeat tonight, and I would appreciate any positive takeaway you may have to offer. Please proceed carefully if you suffer from needle phobia; this was a rare bad experience originating from internal factors. Well, I went in hoping to get two shots today, one booster and one flu. I have had success in the past with getting through these moments, but today I was at panic levels from the moment I saw the syringe. I walked into the little room and the sharps bin was on the floor right next to my chair. I tend to black out in this situation so I was praying there would be space to ask to lie down. Tiny space. No such luck. The practitioner seemed exhausted from a hard day of work and was just hoping to carry on, she didn't want the whole song and dance, but all my coping mechanisms were falling down like dominoes. I tried starting a conversation in the hopes it would distract me enough to allow her to get it done, but she was understandably drained and silently nodded along. As I tried to explain myself, she remained poised to do the job as soon as I was finished speaking, which to her likely seemed the kindest way - get it over with, right? And to most people it would be the best. I experienced it more like a mouse experiences the moment right before the cat's teeth. As I babbled about my anxiety, hoping she would somehow be able to help, the door hung wide open. I couldn't stop apologizing, and everyone could hear. The lobby was three big steps away. She didn't have time to work with me on this. It was do or die. I realized there was no path forward except to just bite down on the terror as hard as I could and try to stop cringing and getting up from my seat. She administered the shot while I sat at a 45 degree angle. I hoped I'd feel relief. I felt instead a wave of intense nausea. Vasovagal needle reaction, I guess. Benign. She asked me if I still wanted the second, the flu shot. I declined, despite how my thinking brain wanted it. I had to hunch over in the lobby and push my head back against my hands to stave off a black out. I looked a sight. I really hoped today would be a good one. I wanted to walk away proud that I made a good decision, to add a good experience to the evidence I shouldn't be afraid. Instead I feel humiliated, sad, disappointed in myself. I couldn't cope. Is there a better way I can read this situation that could be of any use to my recovery?

I am severely traumatized essentially from bullying from the past which was so extremely frequent and happened in some many different groups of people that it fractured my confidence. It even happened on a span of 5+ years. I am by default likely to be depressed but this made it worse. Essentiay the feeling i got was that my whole class was actually sadistic to me and glad i am depressed and struggling. They literally hated me so much for no reason. I literally sometimes show up at places and people already target me. I do not understamd why that happens. I was bullied from middle school all the way until today. In middle achool i didn't feel ok walking anywhere because people would just look at me and attack me because i was skinny. In high school people were laughing at me because my grades were falling. They also assumed things about me, that i am a heroin addict and spread rumors about me theoughout school that weren't true. They would gang up to humiliate me. My only friend in the class was a pussy and a snitch that crumbles under the pressure of other kids. Some kids seemed like they were glad i am about to fail at school. One teacher tried to expel me from school and when she tried to do that, not only it was not possible, but the principal felt sorry for me and fucked her off. That woman literally wanted to ruin my whole life. She even wanted to accusse me of things that i didn't even do to lower my chances of remaining the school. Then i became home schooled because she suggested that in my most vulnerable time and my family agreed, so i did as well, not knowing that this will prolong my education for 3 more years because the isolation made me much more depressed. I became so depressed because of everything and the bullying, i had to go to psych wards. I lost so much time and energy on suffering. No one wanted to talk to me. I rose up as the winner from all of that, finishing high school. But i get bullied pretty much all the time, even by friends i thought love me. I am extremely hurt from all of that shit. Sometimes i just think that if those people died, i'd laugh for days and days. I do not understand why i am a target all the time. I do not understand why they cannot wait to see me in pain. I wish the human race could be deleted.

Okay, I'm very controlling in many aspects of my life, but it's mainly a problem in my relationship. I need to think that I have control over when my boyfriend goes out and comes home, mainly in regards to partying. But of course I don't. He doesn't do as I say, and that is good. I guess. The control, angst and anger comes out the most whenever he says he would be home a certain time, and then still doesn't follow through. I then go very fast from chill to texting or calling him to come home. And of course, the more I push, the more he ignores me and I get very angry. I really try to not care and let him live his life as he wishes, but I very often can't seem to keep the anger at bay and my separation-anxiety overwhelms me. Do any of you also have problems with control, and have you managed to learn how to control it (ha!)?

It’s literally been a month since my last relationship of a year and a half ended and I was ruined over that now my feelings are all into a new person and he makes me happy and I don’t have that depression/anxiety of not having anyone. I’m scared this is bad though. What do I do exactly? I really already like this new boy and he really likes me. We both agreed no relationships it’ll just sort of lead to what it leads to but stiLll my feelings are so strong every time this stuff happens and I’m just looking for advice/support I am always in relationships or need to feel validated by a boy and have plans but like, personally I don’t even care... I just like boys but not sleeping around. I like RELATIONSHIPS. Long ones. If I could have just ONE forever I would be the happiest. Idk what I’m doing. Ahhhhhhhhh

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I had an FWB relationship with someone for about 8 months but this was three years ago. I fell inlove pretty quickly and even after three years I haven’t been able to move on. In my mind she was/is perfect. But I screwed it up and we don’t even talk anymore. And yet even after three years there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and miss her. How do you manage it? How do you move on and just deal with things in a healthy way?

Sometimes I get relieved thinking I could die. I phantasise on the different, possible ways I could kill myself and I get a sense of pleasure from this thought. I also phantasise about the fact I could survive and finally get recovered and maybe took care of by nurses and psychiatrists. I never told this to anyone before. I don’t even have the courage to tell this to my therapist because I feel too ashamed. I don’t think I would ever do what I phantasise of. But sometimes I think that maybe one day I would finally do it and that I will be free. I am too fragile and sensitive. I have always been a very intelligent, brilliant girl. I graduated and now I am doing a PhD, which is very successful. I used to love what I am studying. It was my dream to be where I am now. Now that I am here I don’t feel anything. I have everything and I feel nothing. When I feel something, I feel horrible and ugly. I am actually a pretty girl. I am small and have blond, curly hair. People treat me like a child, they think I am sweet. They also keep abusing me, ghosting me, or controlling me. I have the feeling that they actually want me dead. When I was full of life and joy, they envied me and wanted to take that joy away from me. That was the only thing I had. Pure joy for studying philosophy, the thing that saved my life and made me feel less alone, because it encouraged me to not feel ashamed for what I didn’t know and what I didn’t understand. They took that away from me. Maybe I let them. Because I loved them and I couldn’t imagine they would have betrayed me. You know, I am a bit naive. I thought that people who tell you to love you, really do. I feel dead inside. I don’t trust anyone anymore. And I have lost the only thing I had, my love for philosophy and the dream to live my whole life studying and teaching it. Sorry for my english, sorry for these horrible words, sorry if I triggered you.

I had a traumatic event happen in 2018 and since then, I have managed to distance myself from everyone in my life and now dont really leave my house except to go to work. My marriage is great, my job is fine. I talk to people all day at work but..I find myself overthinking every social interaction, and I often walk away in the middle of conversations because I just cant handle the pressure of having a conversation sometimes. In fact, I cant even post on social media most of the time because I just overthink until I've convinced myself what I have to say is not important. I dont know what to do. I'm lonely and I want to reach out, but every attempt ends in me laying awake till 3 am thinking about how much I hate myself and how I'm an awful person, and maybe that's why I hold everyone at arms length. I miss having friends and doing things. Idk hope you all are having a good night thanks if you read my rant

For years I've been in denial about having any mental health problems. Growing up I was taught "mind over matter" and to "get over yourself" whenever I would vocalize any negative emotions to my parents. Now in my adult life I find that I only have enough energy to get done what absolutely needs done (go to work, chores, grocery shopping). But I have no desire to go out and make friends. Or seek any fun things to do. All I want to do in my down time is sit at home. Whenever I make a potential new friend, I always expect them to find something wrong with me and not want to be friends anymore. I think this stems from my childhood when not only would my peers make fun of me and think I'm weird, but my parents were also pretty mean to me. I'm in my mid 20s and my libido is at an all time low. I always quit my jobs after a few months. I've had 7 different jobs in the past 3 years, and I'm on the verge of quitting this one even though I make more than I ever have at this job and it's a great opportunity for me. I only rationalize quitting because I'm "way too stressed out" but I've used that excuse with every other job too. I'm overweight, unmotivated, have no drive. I want to make a good life for myself but I can't bring myself to do the things that would create that for me. I probably have a depressive disorder, right?

even though they dont bother me at the time of watching them, i feel like it became some sort of a trigger to some crazy anxious imagination and daydreaming. Like Id just think of some gory thing happen to my family or pets out of the blue or while studying and it makes me feel really sad and frustrated

I am 31 years old and I've been in therapy for most of my life. I am trying to get better, and I try the things my therapist suggests, but I keep getting worse. My husband gets frustrated easily with me and I feel bad that I can't be who I used to be for him. He is supportive, but he doesn't understand a lot of what I go through. I feel like my life is just going to continue to get worse and worse and that eventually he'll leave me. He needs a partner he had said. He feels like he's just a caregiver sometimes and he needs me to put more effort into wanting to get better. Am I not trying? I honestly don't know sometimes. I just don't know what to do differently. I have good days/moments, but the bad times seem to be increasing and I'm scared.

I've been suffering from depression for a few years now but it got significantly worse for a while and I feel like during that time period, I messed up my life. Every time I try to go and fix what I've done, it just feels impossible and sends me into another session. I failed several colleges classes because at the time, I was so deep into my spiral I couldn't care about anything. I finally took off a semester to complete a full-stack web development bootcamp but now I want to go back to college so I can finish off my degree but I don't know how to continue in college with my current GPA. I'm trying to transfer colleges as it should lose some of my negative grades but I don't even know how I'd get admitted. I got denied this semester and I'm going to submit an appeal but even then it's unlikely that I'll get accepted and it's extremely hard to get grade forgiveness. For some background knowledge, my depression came after I had received a serious injury but beforehand, I was an incredible student with many achievements and it's just so frustrating because I should have a good future ahead of myself but I don't know how to get over this college problem. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice on how to essentially reset my life?

I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. I’m hyperventilating and I feel like a kid who just saw something scary. No matter how many lights I turn on, the panic doesn’t go away. No one is home and I don’t have anyone

i feel the same towards a "loved one" and a complete stranger, i just don't feel anything i don't even think i would cry if somebody close to me died, i don't even know what it feels like being close with someone, they're just regular people

I'm 24, Male, living on my own and i have BPD. I haven't taken medication or gone to therapy in years so i mostly rely on the DBT skills i learned while i was in an inpatient program and pot. I work at a cellphone call center doing overnight technical support, which by the way is probably the worst job someone with my mental setup could hold, but whatever. My coworker/current FP is going through some really rough stuff right now and i want to be there to support her but i'm not. I'm just using her suffering to justify my poor behavior at work. She's calling out every other day to deal with stuff and I'm doing the same because A) i hate the job and B) part of me wants the same level of attention/ "perks" shes receiving. Shes also not talking to me as much right now which is COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE but again it turns into more fuel for the BPD brain. Side note my birthday was two weeks ago, i spent it locked in my room for two days making everyone think i offed myself which was great. First time seeing the cops break a door down. So now I'm teetering between beating myself up for my behavior then going to work for a few days and ultimately calling out again and continuing this cycle, this one fantasy i have where i show up at my estranged fathers house and ask for help (we've talked like 3 times since i was 9 the last of which he offered to help with paying for college and a place to stay but he doesn't know what he's getting into), or some other fantasy i can distract myself with. Part of me thinks i just want to quit this job, part of me wants to pick itself up and keep trying to make what i have now work, part of me wants to completely give up and find a way to never have to interact with any other person again. theres just alot going through my head and i don't know if half of what i'm thinking is real or current and asking myself questions to try and logically think through stuff makes it worse. I feel like i should have a better handle on things now that I'm this age. I feel like i should be able to make choices that will benefit my quality of life or something. ​ what i'm asking is where should i start? should i start by reaching out to my dad or tying to get in touch with a therapist/doctor? the job is definitely a factor here should i just quit or keep trying to stick with it?

I'm just so tired of the constant anxiety and the medications they prescribe not working. I feel like damaged goods. It's beginning to bring on another bought of bad depression. DEA find their anxiety causing or making depression much worse? Does anyone have advice on coping with it? My therapist suggests positive affirmation and forgiving myself for having mental disorders, but that is extremely difficult to do. It also doesn't really help with existential issues and times when I feel anxious and can't pin down exactly why.

I just don’t know what to think, it’s been 8 weeks now I’ve never felt this down and out before and i don’t think it’s ever going to change. I moved out for the first time in may I can barely afford my half of rent. I don’t know how I’m going to bring another life into this world and not even know if I can afford formula or diapers. I knew life wasn’t supposed to be fair but I honestly don’t even have motivation to be a father. I had so many aspirations to be something in my life, I feel like all that motivation I once had switched to a cold depression. I had so many examples of who not to be from uncles, aunties, hell both of my dads haven’t even been in my life emotionally. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads. To the right I have clear path on being a family man, being the father I never had, and on the left is just nothing but emptiness.

i play warframe and that's pretty much it. i'm 18 and i have BPD, autism, and other assorted illnesses kinda like a box of chocolate i guess. if you want to play warframe or you're open to trying it i'm willing to play with new and old players. i can play with people on switch and pc i believe, but i should warn you like most people on this i have BPD and most of the stuff that comes with it. when i'm happy i'm kind, affectionate, clingy, caring, and loving. sadly when i get sad it's like my world is falling apart, i can only think of things that make me sad and some thoughts of self harm, thankfully no actual self harming. i haven't hurt myself on purpose in a long time. :) i am a furry, no i'm not cringey but like i said i get clingy and attached easily, if that isn't your style or you don't want to risk me getting depressed for a few hours you might want to look somewhere else. sorry for writing that feels like a wall of useless text but making friends helps with my BPD a lot, sadly though i don't have any that message me without having to contact them first. i own a clan in warframe with all the research and i can carry through the majority of missions. happy holidays and i hope it goes as well for you as it can. <3

She's only a few hours drive from me. Anyway, I'm making this post because I'm proud of her. For the past month or so she has been doing so well and I'm happy for her. Sometimes our relationship is hard but we've stuck it out so far.

Say the words “hulk” or “itatchi” in your inner monologue. Does your tongue move? Not your whole tongue and not a lot but just small movement in the back of your tongue/throat.

Like what if I ruin the friendship? What if he likes me back and we date and I fuck it up somehow later? I don't know how to do this dating shit but I want to.

I am a 27 year old female and my whole life I have had the fear of someone breaking in at night to kill me. I know it sounds irrational but at a very young age my house got broken into and it traumatized me ever since, I just remember the blaring alarm, my dad with a gun, the police showing up, very traumatizing for a 3-4 year old. Anyways, I moved to a mountain town and currently live in my parents cabin with my fiancé, (just us two) we live in a huge gated community, with 24/7 security gate / security guards driving occasionally through the area, I always leave the lights on all around the outside of the house, I have 2 big German shepherds that bark at anything, and we sleep on the second floor in a secluded room behind several locked doors and I still can’t help but be fearful someone might break in. It is a very safe community but this house is very old, I’m afraid it’s super easy to break into... not to mention during this time of year a lot of our neighbors aren’t around. It is a very safe town / community but I have such a terrible fear of having my house broken into, I always hear noises at night that aren’t there and lie awake just listening for anything. Does anyone have any advice? And yes I have (several) weapons next to the bed and my fiancé is training to be a police officer... lol Idk I really need help with this fear it won’t leave me

Sometimes I feel that most articles and books about BPD largely focus on the more apparent/extreme outward behaviors of the illness. ie: self-harm, "attention-seeking" suicidal "threats," screaming and crying fits, etc. As a frustrated BPD-sufferer, who has made quite a bit of progress (through DBT) with controlling outward behavior for the sake of others, I just wish I could find some more help with some of the internal, day-to-day constants. For me, mainly: unstable/unclear sense of self/identity, complete inability to choose a major/career, sometimes feeling alone in an "empty" mind, etc. Does anyone feel the same, or have some insight to offer on these things? This has honestly been what has hurt/scared/frustrated me the most in my life. Sometimes I just don't know what to do, because I'm always waiting on these things to get better. Thanks in advance for any input.

I wanted to thank everyone here, and tell each and every one of you how much help this sub has provided me with. It's an honor to be amongst everyone. I never thought I would ever find anyone who would understand this deeply. I've been moved to tears at some of the things I've read here. I love you all. You're all awesome! Thank you!

But holy shit is it painful actually getting there or whatever “there” is. I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth it when I basically have a mental breakdown every week. So I’m 26, was rock bottom at 18 and only got my shit together last year. Well I still haven’t gotten my shit together but I’m actually out there experiencing life and trying to give it a go. With that said, one year later I still have no partner despite my efforts, zero new close friends because it seems I’ve pushed any potential one’s away, I still haven’t opened up, I’m still socially retarded and I’m still very much depressed. I like to think that I’m hopeful and am all about self improvement but the truth is if I’m practically still in this same spot when I turn 30 then I might as well bloody off myself lol Because this shit doesn’t seem worth it

\*\* Please be sensitive to this post. Don't bash. I am trying to understand part of my past. \*\* In my last therapy session, I was challenged to deeper into the feeling of not belonging. The desire to be a part of something larger than myself (anything actually) has haunted me my entire life. I am a quite BPD and my MO is to feel slighted (abused) and split, then assume they didn't love me because they were not coming after me (i.e. I Hate you don't Leave me). I have done this with my biological family and more recently my spiritual family. In my session, I struggled to understand where the feeling of not belonging came from. I could not think of an instance/situation that would explain this fear. Perhaps it was not the result of a series of events but rather a pattern of being brought up. I was raised by an angry raging alcoholic narcissistic father and a mother I considered to be a saint. My mother at several times had mentioned that she should never have been a parent and I never understood why, but getting to know her better I realize that she was never there in a motherly sense. Granted I blocked out much of my childhood, but can not think of a time my mother comforted me. All of this lead to an environment where I could never win. There was nothing I could do to feel like I belonged. God knows I tried as a child with my limited understanding of what was and was not normal and healthy. And ever since then I have tried to recreate that support structure I should have had from the beginning. Your thoughts and your experiences are welcome. With Joy;

its so fucking embarrassing how easily i rage over the smallest thing that wouldnt enrage a regualr person.

I’m turning 16 soon and I can’t stand myself. I absolutely hate who I am, everyone else would be better off without me. I hate my life and I hate that I make the people around me’s life worse. I accidentally over dosed on Benadryl and should have died, my parents constantly check if I’m high now which I understand. Today I got really upset and just left. It was night time and I walked about 6 miles total to the store and back. I considered completely just leaving and I considered buying enough Benadryl to kill me. I bought a 2 liter of lemonade and went home. I have a doctors appointment over the phone tomorrow to see if I need to be committed or get therapy etc. I’m open to anything except anti depressants.

I’ve been on lamictal for a few months now and last month upped to 100 mg, I have bipolar 1 and at first it seemed to help but a little before upping my dosage I began to get super paranoid and I feel like I’m out of my body, things look 2 dimensional and I continually have intrusive thoughts until I break down it’s like I can’t escape my own mind, I told my doctor and she said it will stop doing that but it’s been atleast a month and it seems to be worse everyday. Is it normal to have that reaction for that long?

Is is reasonable to consider depression a terminal illness that can be treated?

it's awful. even seeing someone in my line of sight fills me with rage and fear.. like what are they doing here, what are they going to do? even if they're obviously doing something else it feels like they're just there to make me uncomfortable . although just being near other people in general is unsafe (not necessarily their intentions, just being percieved and percieving other's exsistance feels unsafe. being known of = more possible to become a target, you can't really harm someone who you don't know exists, so it's safer that way) it's worse when they decide to sit near me or just stand there..... or even talk to me, i'm trying to keep to myself. why are you doing that, it's creepy.... i really want to be alone right now but unfortunately that isn't an option. any advice to coping with this? everywhere feels unsafe :-( tldr so paranoid that i can't even stand being near people. help. and sorry if i didnt add the right flair or something, i'm new here :-)

I don’t talk to anyone about what happened to me because it makes me feel like a burden to people and I know I wouldn’t be posting this if there wasn’t a lockdown because I’d actually be busy doing stuff other than thinking about my past. I have no sense of purpose anymore and I can tell how bad my mental state is getting I don’t get sleep because of flashback type dreams and then I struggle anyway with ptsd of being beaten to a pulp and getting locked in rooms for days with nothing by my step dad. He made me take math, English and random tests and if I didn’t get above an acceptable score I would be beaten and starved for the day, he would threaten to kill my dog if I told anyone about what was happening so I had to lie and pretend that I was ok, he did this for years and years and it’s ruined me for life. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore because I can’t get help from anyone I can’t go see a doctor I can’t tell my family for other reasons I’m just stuck in a mental prison and I’ve never been so low in my entire life.

i started buspirone 5mg twice a day almost a month ago. i was pretty nervous to start and i’m happy that i don’t have any other side effects. But my anxiety is worse. i feel anxiety related pain in my chest every day. I literally am thinking of turning down an opportunity bc i can’t stomach interviewing right now-that’s how bad it is. i know it’s a really low dose, so i’m wondering if it’s actually just me getting worse & it’s not enough of the medication or if the medication is making it worse. i know everyone reacts different but i’m pretty new to meds so any insight or words of encouragement is helpful.

Nothing really interests me, and it just seems absurd, this endless seeking for something 'better'. So most days I just sit on my computer, passing the time and doing bare minimum to survive and wouldn't really care if I died right now. This to me seems only logical, though I can't understand how others have no problem working for something, that they themselves don't know. I only really feel down when issues occur or something inconvenient happens. Most of the time I'm just neutral. Friend of mine said I might depression, but I'm very skeptical about it, as my way of life and perspective have a seemingly logical reasoning behind it.

i hope you’re proud of me. because right now i can’t be proud of myself. and I know you’re up there with the rest of your brothers and sister, but please.. don’t forget me down here. i miss you too.

Hi everyone, So about 2 months ago, I had a really bad tooth infection that I suffered from for 10 days until I finally got to a see a dentist and had a root canal done, on the final day before getting it done my pain was so severe I couldn’t sleep and eventually caused my first panic attack in years. That was the first attack, the next came after I smoked some weed at home alone and it triggered another one. Then the one that kicked everything off came while eating(like crap for the millionth time since the pandemic started). After that, I began to suffer anywhere from 3-6 attacks a day. It crippled me for so long I began to question if I would be like this forever. I figured my body had simply said enough is enough & was telling me it was time to start eating right and exercising as I had put 80lbs on during the pandemic from doordashing an exuberant amount of money away. I started exercising daily, this led to the start of GI issues, as I essentially pushed myself to do HIIT workouts 6 days a week. I toned it back, but it seemed the damage was done. I always had IBS, I was diagnosed at 12, but never had the anxiety to trigger it, so I never trusted the diagnosis. So my mind wandered off and began to think it was appendicitis. I took a trip to an urgent care, where I would get a script for an ultrasound and nothing was found, but they found I had NAFLD instead. This is where I began to develop health anxiety on top of everything. I began to lose my appetite, getting nauseous after every meal, leading me to consume 1000 cals a day max for 2 weeks. I felt weak and tired all the time, suffering from attacks just because I got up too quick and got lightheaded which made me think I was dying for some unrealistic reason. At this point, I gave up, I begged my doctor to help me with which he prescribed lexapro. 3 days in I quit, the GI distress was too much for me, it was a trigger of mine and the heightened anxiety as a side effect was unbearable. When I recovered, I had a sense of confidence that I could learn to deal with this. I began to force myself to eat, started meditating twice a day & suddenly it was gone... I woke up one morning and I didn’t suddenly have attacks, no more feeling of disconnect when the attacks kicked in, no shortness of breath. It was as if I was in the driver seat again. But I felt lost, a month and a half of being tortured is a long time, I had no clue how to get back to normal. I never felt the same as before the attacks and the GI issues persisted until just a few days ago. While I don’t feel like death is imminent every second of my day now, I feel fearful constantly of things I was never scared of. I always have this heightened anxiety but never enough to cause an attack, but just enough to make me uncomfortable. Every other day I have some brain fog on top of the things I mentioned, but nothing more. I started meditating and lifting, those seem to help quite a bit. But that period of life that seems so small has left a huge impression on my day to day life. I feel depressed as a result, truly depressed and i wasn’t anxious nor depressed prior to this period. I don’t know what I’m looking to get out of this post, but I wanted to share my experience & see if maybe anyone else could relate to this prolonged period of time.

10 years ago mine girlfriend died, it was the first time i touched a could hand

i just wanna die at this point. i cant do anything right. all i do is overthink and overthink it's a huge issue. I've lost too many relationships due to my anxiety i'm never gonna get anywhere in life. i'm only a teenager i shouldn't have to carry this weight on my shoulders. i cant sleep at all i'm not eating, i'm not drinking ajything i'm just done.

Full disclosure: I have not been diagnosed as BPD, but I do have a diagnosis of bipolar 2 and GAD. I identify so strongly with all of you here that I cannot fathom that this isn't part of my struggle. Notably, abandonment issues are so severe that I'm actually kind of pissed that BPD hasn't come up in any of the discussions with the dozen or so doctors I've had in the past 20 years. Right now, I feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin. I'm drinking to dull the pain, but it isn't doing as much as I'd like. Is anyone available to chat? I'll give you my Google hangouts username if you are. Hell, I'll even subscribe to any chat client you all use if I can just get some peace. I just need people to talk to who understand what this is. I am going to kill every positive outcome for myself if I don't get help soon.

These past few weeks my anxiety has been tuned up for some reason. It happened so quickly that I went to the doctor for medical reasons. Why doesn’t the anxiety give me a break when I’ve managed to fall asleep? I feel like there is something wrong with me. I don’t think I’m sick, but I’m really cold and have the chills. I “ran” out of bed because I was freaking out when I woke up, I still am , I’m dizzy and scared. Dry eyes as well. Is this relatable?

H.I'm so depressed over my daughter who is 18 and very beautiful. I am just gone 41 and I feel old and frumpy. I'm so jealous of her looks and body. She is starting college in the autumn and she will have her own apartment in the city . It's going to be a very exciting time for her while I will be stuck at home literally chained to the sink as I have 3 other kids. She has started seeing a boy recently also and he is also moving to the city although they will have different apartments I know they will be together most of the time in each others apartments. I picture them laughing and having fun all the time which makes me even more envious. I picture young love and them experiencing all these new things together while I am stuck at home run off my feet all the time . Should I not be happy for my daughter. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I think I want her to fail in the city. I want her to find college and living on her own very difficult and hard. I dont want to picture her happy and content with her boyfriend in this new city

I really dont know If im depressed or not im 15 and i just feel really shitty everyday i just always feel like it would Be so much easyer to just kms but i know i cant bc i still have My mom and some siblings i feel Happy sometimes but its only when im talking to a few friends its pretty obvious that they dont care abt me but its still nice to have Even someone ive had shit happen to me since i was 2years old and now that i think Back its pretty fucked but im still not actually sure If im depressed cause i dont feel like i would have a disease i just feel kinda sad lol Even saying that Littlebit online helps For some reason

https://metabolicmultiplier.org/ketogenic-diet-remission-schizophrenia-weight-loss-doris-story/

Sometimes I'll meet perfectly good people that I have a lot in common with, and I just won't answer them for days, or even weeks. I either continuously forget, or just can't seem to gather the motivation. I don't know why that is. Does anyone else have difficulty responding to messages and forming new relationships?

Over the last few years I’ve been making an effort to repair my relationship with my mother after many years of us being apart. She has always been the type of person to make everything about her and whenever I needed her when I was young, she was rarely ever there. When times get hard and I don’t have anyone I can talk to sometimes I’ll hit her up and make some small talk and eventually try to ask her advice on things but she always makes things about her. Any problem that I have she just tells me “you’ll be ok, you’re my son” and honestly that doesn’t comfort me in any kind of way. Is she living in a fantasy world where just by virtue of me being her son nothing should bother me? I really don’t understand.

It is becoming more and more clear that alcohol is a huge trigger for my emotional outbursts. I have a lot of stress and loss and sadness in my life, and drinking is amplifying this. When I drink, I get paranoid and angry and generally shitty to my friends and especially to my SO, and I black out. This was never the case before and it is terrifying. I need to stop drinking, but: I live in a new city, and I am 'an old'. Everyone I know, including my SO drinks a lot. To not drink would mean not being around them. More than alcohol, being alone is the biggest trigger for my emotional irregularity, and because of circumstance, I am alone most of the time. It's not good I'm scared to keep drinking and I'm scared to stop. I imagine that is not too unusual. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

This isn’t just depression; It’s an angering concoction of depression, adhd, ocd, asd and anxiety and most likely a form of toruettes. I’m literally living a black comedy I’m so tired of my conditions and how they’re always dragging me down to breaking point. I also hate ho unique my issues also tend to be present themselves

I had anxiety for about 9 months 5 years ago and it is randomly back. I guess I’m looking for hope that I can have a mostly normal life. That this will also be a season and will be over and then I can go back to normal without always looking over my shoulder waiting for my anxiety to return.

I feel like I’ve been holding on by a thread for an eternity. The only thing stopping me is the thought of putting my family through such agony.

I a so exhausted. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I always knew there was something else. Ever since I was a teen I would go up and down emotionally. I kept telling therapists, medical and mental health doctors that I suspected being bipolar. they never took it seriously, they would tell me they didn’t think I was bipolar, that I was just a mom with a lot of things going on and stressed. I took a mental health class and felt like cyclothymia was really matching my symptoms. During my separation with my husband I overdosed on anti anxiety meds. I always say I didn’t mean to commit suicide when I overdosed on the meds, I just wanted the pain to stop. But maybe deep down, I did want to die. I remember toying with suicidal thoughts since my teen years, but never fully attempted it. Then sometime after that I was full on functional. I worked out, I ate super healthy, I could go out until 4am and then wake up at 8 to take care of my kids and take them to birthday parties, climb through the obstacles at bonkers and have fun with them. My husband had been the only one I had been sexually. But it came to a point where I thought to heck with it, what good has it done to me to be conservative in that perspective. I embraced sexuality and actually became a bit promiscuous. I also started drinking socially to the point of getting super drunk. This has never been appealing to me, until then. I ended up at the ER because I passed out at the bar. All this lasted a good long while, and then it started hitting me again. I went through really depressive events, to the point that it was hard to take care of my kids, I also had a lot of stressors. My ex husband would not help financially or in presence when it came to taking care of the kids. I had started a new a relationship and as time went on I felt like things got worse, but he wouldn’t go away. I have had a tendency in the past to go from being REALLY into someone because they seem close to perfect and confident, making me confident to being completely turned off by something and losing interest. For example, the guy I started this relationship with, he wore an oversized, old, white that was not so white shirt one day as he was coming to my house after work. It completely embarrassed me (I had someone visiting at my house when he arrived), after that I lost absolutely all sexual desire for him. It grossed me out how the shirt looked, the fact he was wearing it, all of it. He said it was an undershirt he wore under his work shirt, but I took me a long time to get past it. I tried to push him out but he stuck around and now we have been together for almost 10 years. He has dealt with my up and downs. My manic episodes had never really affected me financially, but about 2-3 years ago they started to, then I would crash, then the cycle would start again. after a trip to Chicago, I came back and I was crashing so hard. It got so bad that I told my boss I needed to take a month off to sort my life out. I told him I really thought I was bipolar. He helped me get set up with a psychiatrist and I met with him for over two hours, going through everything. Sure enough, he said I had bipolar. I was put on Antipsychotics and it destroyed me, they made things so unbearable I couldn’t do it anymore. Now I’m on Lamictal, it has been a year I think. I’m up to 250 mg daily but although there has been some improvement, I still struggle. I am so exhausted, my brain just won’t stop. I was just telling someone else who posted that I just like him/her I am constantly insecure around people, I feel like no one really likes me ( but during my good years, I felt like the world loved me. And they probably did, because I made some “enemies” due to them being jealousy of how people around us loved me). I hate going places. When I do decide to socialize, the next day I feel mortified. It is a similar feeling to someone getting drunk and doing some really stupid stuff and remorseful and mortified after waking up the next day. I am thankful my now husband takes our kids places and road trips. He ended up adopting my two from my previous marriage nd now have one together. I also tried to start CrossFit last year, I wanted to feel better about myself. I’ve gained weight and strength, but soon enough I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I also couldn’t really afford it. I think I have developed social anxiety. I feel so uncomfortable around other people outside of my tight family circle. I am having a hard time focusing at work, even my adderall doesn’t seem to work during these periods. I am just so tired. To top it all my oldest has Down syndrome and autism and it can be so stressful and exhausting, just as much as rewarding when he makes progress. I feel guilty all the time about how I have failed my oldest as a mother. I tend to focus on the things I’ve done wrong as a mom much more so than on the good things I’ve done. I know our relationship suffered and she is only a teen. It has gotten better but gosh, I feel like I have failed her. I also feel guilty constantly because I am so different as a mother to my 4 year old than I was with my other two. I try to remind myself that our life circumstances are now so different, but still struggle with the guilt. I am just so tired. :/

I live with two abusive people. I don’t see how I can escape. My BPD and other mental illnesses make it difficult for me to hold down a job. I’m currently unemployed, and I’ve pushed away everyone I used to talk to. I don’t see this ending well for me. I guess I wanted to talk to others that understand. I have a lot of shame surrounding my experience with BPD, so I don’t typically talk about it. Here’s what happened in the last few years: - Multiple suicide attempts - Survived a lethal overdose that left me with no traumatic brain damage, making it harder for me to get a job and keep one - Substance abuse issues - Sexual assault - 100 lb weight gain - Losing all friends - Unemployed It’s really really difficult to pull myself out of this. People tell me I’m not trying hard enough, but I don’t tell people what I’ve been through. I have a therapist who I’ve known for three years, but there’s only so much she help with. Things seem hopeless.

I know it's not healthy or even normal but I wish someone could love me in the same way that I love them. So completely and totally.

So my therapist and I worked on a crisis plan in case I'm in a bad place and need coping skills. One of the things that we set was things I could use to distract myself in case I get overwhelmed. I suggested pinching my arm (not hard enough to hurt but hard enough so I could be distracted) and decided to try it today when I was being overwhelmed with negative emotions. I pinched the meaty part of my arm and yelled in my head for the thoughts to "Go away!" as I focused on the sensation of pinching my arm. And it worked! The negative thoughts haven't returned yet. I'm so excited to tell my therapist when I next see her.

it’s literally tearing me apart, i keep thinking abt everything that’s gonna go wrong and get in the way. one thing that’s fucking me up is marriage, how my parents will never approve of my nonreligious partner that doesn’t even exist yet but i know myself enough to know that’s usually how the kind of person i’m attracted to ends up being, how i’ll never find someone to marry us even if i ever do find him, and how i’ll probably face ridicule for the rest of my life … and i’m rly young so i know i shouldn’t be worrying about this but i do. it’s like i HAVE to be prepared and i HAVE to worry or i set myself up for failure and pain but i’m already in pain so idk . another thing is nursing school that i’ve been heavily thinking of attending nd how it’ll be so painful and hard and i won’t b smart enough for it nd i won’t even make enough money to be independent when i come out of it. and how i’ll never b able to do anything on my own im always gonna need my parents nd what if my parents decide for whatever reason that they don’t love me or love what i do and don’t want to support me . and even if i don’t have my parents i won’t have friends or somebody that loves me to b there for me . i’ll b all alone in an adult world w no one there with me. i’ll never find love or a love that ppl approve of or that my parents approve of nd i’ll never find my purpose or something to sustain me or idk im freaking out . i think about this shit every single day even if i try to distract it’s in the back of my head or it manifests in physical symptoms like my heart pounding or dizziness/nausea or some kind of pressure in my chest it’s like there is no escape for me and i want a solution or reassurance so badly but nobody knows whatt happens in the future n im just going CRAZY . it’s like im on the edge of a panic attack every single day over things that aren’t happening yet or sometimes it’s nothing at all it could b just the sky is too bright or something else feels off. i feel so hopeless and nobody gets it . idk what to do or if it’ll ever get better or if i’ll find that answer i always wanted. it gets so bad all i can do is stay in bed and rot in there and not eat or talk to anybody or move or do anything just cry and worry and god i hate living like this . pls tell me im not alone , like are there people like this too??? does it get better??? pls tell me it will be ok i’m just not convinced enough no matter how much i tell myself. tried meditating and breathing and everything, nothing works .

Look at my post history. I am in a giant financial hole. I am literally an idiot with money. I should be worth a million right now. My divorce was a huge mistake. I have treated my family poorly. I am now severely depressed and anxious and have been hospitalized and rec'd ketamine treatment. The ketamine saved my life but also offered me insight and clarity on how fucked up my life has become. At each step I thought I was ultimately doing the right thing, but has time has passed I have been more and more susceptible to what I think is emotional abuse/bullying from my wife. I just give in/give up. I keep getting advice about what to do but the prospect of blowing everything up is terrifying. But it seems like my life will blow up anyway. I can barely function. I fantasize about walking off and just lying down and never getting back up. Night is my favorite part of my life because sleep is the only thing that brings me peace. I am a college educated professional, "almost Ivy" school, active in college, advanced degree, used to be very athletic, I had ---everything--- going for me. I don't know if I could ever function in a job where I was required to be "on" all the time as most jobs are. Meetings, long conversations, complex ideas, etc. all make my head hurt. I got sick years ago and no one could figure out what it was for sure - Lyme, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, etc. Tested for everything. Docs didn't think it was viral meningitis but were not sure. I was out for more than a month and was never the same physically or mentally. MRI showed nothing. Neuropsych exam showed serious short term memory and executive functioning problems. Only blood family are my very elderly parents and my kids, who want nothing to do with me. I am very, very scared.