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Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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Like I don't care if I wasn't the only one at fault here these were not problems until I forgot how to have a personality. Then all of a sudden it starts to show its cheeky little face like it deserves something. Smfh I swear its like my brain is out to get me

The past six months have started my journey on experiencing the physical side of panic attacks. Last week was the worst one I’ve had to date. I’ve been getting anxiety of it happening again and it will make it difficult to sleep and possibly eat (especially because it happened at night and it made me nauseated). Do you guys have any good suggestions about dealing with this specifically?

i have a very close friend that i’ve hung out with almost non-stop for about 3 years. we tend to clash a lot and it leaves me feeling hated and as if im a nuisance every time we hang out. considering other variables, i wouldn’t say it is a healthy friendship, only that my friend sees things more rationally so i feel like i can’t believe myself if i think the friendship is bad or that he is a bad friend. anyways we haven’t hung out in just under a week and i already feel like that weekend will be there very last time we will ever see each other as friends. it makes me feel worried bc over the years, id leave a bunch of my stuff over at his house bc i was always there and never home. lately(lies), i’ve been in a bad place, and have taken to isolation to try and ground myself, so i don’t go to his house as often, more like every weekend or sometime during the week. what scares me is that if i isolate for too long, i might lose a close bond and i’ll be hated by my friend, and that he won’t want to give me my stuff back if i wanted it. my only solution is to call him asap and try to take back as many possessions of mine as possible. this is so embarrassing. any similar experiences?

I'm about to go for a dance fitness workout and i am a little overweight which makes me have body image issues from time to time. I don't go to the gym because it increases my dysphoria even more. So I usually do home workouts. But lately my anxiety and depression has gotten bad so I have been getting out of the house to workout. I swim which i enjoy and nobody really sees me since we're all in water. I also wanted to try out dance fitness because I want to do two activities together. I booked a class and I'm super nervous. I just want to go there and not be seen, if you know what I mean. Just be invisible and enjoy my music and dance a little to lose the anxiety. I just hope nobody talks to me there or mentions anything. It's taking everything out of me to push myself because I know if it all goes well I will be very happy. My class starts in an hour.

So I'm poor and because of that I get my meds from the county health department. It's always been like pulling teeth while jumping through flaming hoops to get them to cough up my pills and I'm sure that's by design. Anyway they're once again giving me hell. I have like a week left, 2 if I take half dose. If I can't get a dr appointment and refills during that time I'll go unmedicated. And fun stuff happens when that happens! I literally have never gone off my meds for any reason other than county health giving me the runaround. Last time it happened I ended up in the psych ward, funtimes.

I feel so much fear in my body in nights... I'm so scared right now I don't know what to do

i lost my bird that gave me happiness and light when times and dark :(

I want to go to bed and not wake up. I just want to not exist. I feel like a 150-pound weight that everyone in my life is forced to drag around. I wish I never existed because I don't want my family to be sad. I just want to be done. I hate myself. I hate who I’ll become and I hate having to do ‘fun’ things. Little things set me off into a spiral of self-hatred and panic attacks.

I've taken pill birth control before and it made me completely fucking insane, but I got diagnosed with PCOS and the mirena hormonal IUD is supposed to be the absolute bomb for treating those symptoms. My doc says it's actually a lower hormone output bc the delivery is so direct, and should cause less mood nonsense than a pill does. Anyone able to validate that?

I feel like I have been chained by my past failure, especially regarding my career. This feeling started during college, when I tried to apply for internships or jobs or higher education, I feel I have done nothing remarkable to convince them I am a good candidate. As a result, I have never got a post that I really want. My lack of enthusiasm on any particular subject worsens this problem. I have a general interest on various things, but none of them can really ignite me with passion. I have switched multiple careers, but nothing feels like my calling, rather, it just makes me doubt my choice. I don't know how someone is able to make a career switch successfully. I feel like I can never know enough. How can I show my passion on a subject without limiting my options too much? I feel like I am running out of time. As I grow older, people are less forgiving and my lack of a defined career path only raise some uncomfortable questions. The thing is I understand why others would not give me the chance. Hack, I can't even convinced myself being suitable for the job. But I don't want to stay like this anymore. I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of failure, that makes my life insufferable.

i have BPD as well and im worrying that ill trigger him too much with symptoms that will remind him of his abuse. he was verbally/physically assaulted almost every day by his ex and went through a lot of trauma. how can i help him while maintaining myself ? ​ i differ from her in that i am a "quiet" borderline and tend to take things out on myself rather than others, so i will absolutely not be repeating that kind of abuse. the only thing we have in common are feeling ignored/needing affirmation/insecurity over others intentions. ive already triggered him a couple of times, once when i made a careless comment with the worry that he was mostly attracted to me for sex ( which was extremely dumb but i was in a state where i couldnt access perspective and we hadnt really talked in a while, i had only been hearing comments on how attractive i was ) which made him burst out in tears because apparently it was something his ex said almost every day to him. the other time was when he had not answered his phone after i thought we were going to talk, and after a few hours i messaged him asking if he was ignored me, as i saw that he was online even though it was 3 am and he was actually sleeping (the online notification was just glitching). that angered him and he saw it as a manipulation tactic to make him feel guilty, and said his ex would do stuff like that all the time . honestly it makes sense. however, i really cannot control it sometimes and im just extremely worried that i will be given no mercy for the way i act if it mirrors BPD in any way if its too similar to his ex. i would love for him to maybe seek some therapy to talk through his past as i dont think he knows how much hes really been affected, but he says he ended up fine (which i dont believe).

I drive everyone away and now I have no friends or family left to reach out to. I feel like no one takes me seriously or sees how much I struggle. I guess I am just wondering how anyone else deals with loneliness? I have the hardest time with it and I will cling to or invite people into my life that are unhealthy to avoid feeling it and I don’t know how to foster healthy relationships or even to meet people and then not immediately scare them off by just being too much.

Hello, friends. I'm diagnosed with **SZA (bipolar type)** for 10 years now, I am **30 years old** male. I was off the meds for almost 10 months now and I thought I will be better, but in truth it's the opposite now, I'm experiencing *delusions, apathy, anhedonia, voices, insomnia, panic attacks, social anxiety, anxiety in general, I'm paranoid*, too, I tend to drink a lot so I can "feel" something, but it's just insane day after, *huge anxiety, racing heart, bad thoughts, depression, my moods they switch really fast and I just can't do this*. I've been working full time now in a factory for a year and 3 months without any day-offs and I'm just mentally and physically tired, I don't know if I should go there and try and try again just to have barely 1200$ a month to pay my duties and live like a pig. I don't know, I wasn't at psychiatrist since February this year and I'm going to visit her in 20 days, but I feel like I just can't do it till then. I'm just so tired, so tired to do anything except sit at my computer or laying in my bed. I can't sleep well, I was manic, I think, in last months and it drains my soul, I don't even feel like a human and I often ask myself, if this is all real, if I'm not dreaming, because it feels like it, I don't feel real. I don't know, who am I, I don't know what I want, I don't know why I keep thinking these insane thoughts in my head which are destroying me, I have to confess, that I was drunk and in a really strange mood and I went to sleep with another girl besides my girlfriend (which I love so much and she cares about me, and I cheated on her without any emotional connection with some random girl that wanted me to love her and stay with her. Now I hate myself to the death, too, I really wish I could end myself and I'm just lost, I feel like I'm out of control, what I do, I'm not this sweet person I used to be and now I really have just a bad judgement about myself, I really hate this monster I've become and I don't know what to do at all, I'm just the worst person in this universe and I should be sent to the worst Hell for eternity to feel the pain I'm causing to people I love. I'm lost, guys. I'm not a human. I can't control my reality and I'm afraid what happens next, it feels so lonely here and I don't think I can make it to another day. This is a mess. **I'm sorry to everyone in my life, I'm sorry to you here you had to read this and I'm sorry to this world, to everyone who had to experience myself.** I'm sorry and I'm close to crying my eyes out, even tho I haven't cried for years because of anhedonia and no emotions at all. I'm a zombie, desperate and miserable one and I should be punished.

It’s hard for me to believe that I would have the strength to live for that long. I wonder if I’ll still be miserable at 60 and trying to fight against the urge to end it all. I may be too weak to even attempt at some point. I really don’t know if I would regret living that long. Maybe I would even be impressed at how far I’ve come. Who knows. Right now I can barely take another week of this shit.

It's so hard for me to fall asleep on most nights. I usually go to bed around midnight but my anxiety keeps me awake up until 3 or 4 in the morning, every day. Even now (4am) I'm having one and I'm trying not to break down. I'm getting so sick and tired of feeling suicidal and like the whole world is collapsing onto me at 3 in the morning. Any tips to help is highly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

I’m completely exhausted and haven’t been sleeping well at all. I’m on my feet at work all day & always moving & lifting stuff. Well I also have bad anxiety too. I call into work at least 1-2 times a month I feel like. I have lost a job in the past due to the attendance. I started a job in November and have called in already probably like 5 times total. I want to call in today really bad cause I’m having a bad mental day, my anxiety is bad & I haven’t slept well in days, I am beyond exhausted. Mind you this job is full of toxic people that also drains me. I just want to stay home today but I know that if I do, coworkers will talk crap about me & etc. This job is so unprofessional, manager is unprofessional. I just wanna cry.

Hello everyone - I’ve never used CBD before but I’m thinking about starting. I’m hoping to enjoy some of the potential stress relief it can offer, even if it’s just subconsciously. Does anyone have any CBD brand and method recommendations?

There’s nothing I want anymore. When I’m hungry I eat, thirsty drink, tired sleep. I could only get myself out of bed for a couple of my class sessions this semester in college. Didn’t manage to even get out of bed to even withdraw from my classes and now I have 3 zeros unfortunately. I don’t even know why I’m in college, there’s nothing I want out of it. I do know actually, it’s because enrolling was the easiest thing to do after highschool. I’m just laying around doing nothing. Games don’t seem fun anymore, I just play occasionally when my friends start getting worried that im not on. I don’t really care about anyone anymore even though I have a lot of what people would consider good family and friends. Sometimes I do wish I was dead, I’d probably have killed myself multiple times if there was a gun close by. I do go out with friends on occasion, and we laugh/have fun and I guess I’m probably happy then. Even then I don’t really care what happens to me. I just don’t see the point when there’s nothing I want. I don’t want to get rich, don’t want a job, family, don’t want a nice house. It’s like the Greeks version of the 7 deadly sins. You can be too gluttonous/lustful but you can also be too little.

Ever since I (21 F) graduated, without the constant pressures of school and too much “free time”, when I have too much coffee or alcohol I get really really anxious, as if there’s no outlet for the energy anymore. I’m working a job during my gap semester right now but I constantly get anxious and get stomach aches now that I cut back on caffeine and alcohol (compared to being a senior in college….) since it’s just not needed much anymore. Most mornings I feel very awake but I have the occasional cup of coffee which leads to anxiety if I don’t immediately do something active. Am I just under the impression that I always need to be busy? Anyone else felt this way after adjusting to post-grad life?

The world we live in requires us to work work work. I've been working since I was 14 years old. I went to school for four years to be a engineer and I graduated 1 year ago. I've been applying to jobs ever since and I have not gotten one job. I've had a internship and still have not landed a job. Right now I'm working as a secretary paying almost nothing and I struggle to eat and pay my rent each month. What was the point of going to school. At this point I am begging companies to let me work. The rent prices and even grocery prices make it impossible to survive without a salary job. Today I just cried in my bed because I don't know how I'm going to keep going at this rate. What's the point of applying to jobs. At this point it seems that I'll never get above water. Collage was a scam, all the jobs reject me because I don't have enough experience. How do I get experience then????? Now I'm in debt for a degree they told me would grantee I always had work. I never asked to be born and now I'm forced to live up to capitalisms standards that were made up entirely by some rich white man. Money isn't even real, restaurants throw away food at the end of the day and refuse to give it to houseless people. ITS GOING IN THE TRASH ANYWAYS WHATS THE HARM? I'm just spiraling when I think about it more, none of this is real, it was completely made up and we all just march along like little soldiers to do what we are told because we have no say or we die. At this point just giving up is looking like a solid option. Obviously working hard and trying my best is not working out.

I'm grateful I have a job again, but I cannot take having to be up in the middle of the night for some of my shifts, I have no reason to be stressed about my job, it's an easy job with a great team. But I'm sitting here with it pitch black outside and my anxiety is going absolutely haywire. I feel like I'm going to have a full-on break down or panic attack if I don't get a hold of myself soon. Thankfully being up this early for work only happens once every 1-2 weeks, but it still disrupts my mental state and I don't know how to stop my anxiety from running rampant when it's still dark out.

TLDR; anxious boyfriend is cheating. I’m just myself sick with scenarios. I have no evidence or reason to believe he would. He is indicating non guilt from his words, body language, and actions. I can hardly eat I’m so anxious. How do I stop this anxiety? I want to preface this by saying our relationship is wonderful. A year on the 21st. We are long distance and already met for 16 days. We are closing the gap this month. For some reason I have intense anxiety he is cheating. I have no reason to believe this. He has always left his phone out when showering, let me check his stuff, etc. We are both anti cheating. He is a lot like the guy on Weird Al’s white and nerdy. I know he’s got no hoes lol. He has a very repetitive schedule and is very consistently good to me. We are a picture perfect healthy couple, almost. I saw the Free Live Cam section as a link on PH among a few other random lowercase (typed in manually) searches pop up on his old browser history while getting directions and he assured me and let me talk out my worries multiple times. We don’t go through each other’s phones. I asked, he said no then, and i respect that. We had a joke before about looking at each other’s porn history but we agreed we did not wanna do that. The live cam is cheating for us. He has been very good about it. The only thing is that he got agitated when I kept accusing him (who wouldn’t) and we haven’t talked about it since. He handled the agitation well, too. I really cannot remember which browser i used. I think I know but he said I used the other one before I even told him which one I thought I was using. They both look identical in the app. On his device, they must be both installed for the widget to work. ld him I had been researching the browsers capabilities and widgets for his device and he did not call me names, get angry or deflect. He just said he uses the widget connected to the other browser. When i confronted him in the moment, he did not seem caught or guilty. He said “nooo!” Playfully. He got shy and answered all my questions and I gave the phone back. The thing is, what I saw was in the middle of September. I forgot about it until the beginning of October and fixated on it. I don’t know why I remembered or anything else but it is severely effecting me. I know him and I have an otherwise very healthy, loving relationship and I think it stems from fear of a perceived threat. I don’t want to be the crazy girlfriend. Now, somehow it has evolved into me being paranoid and anxious he is trading nudes either other girls on discord or whatever my mind can make up. If my mind thinks it is a possibly, I’m Already anxious about it before I can even finish the thought. I’m becoming so anxious I get nauseated. I have no reason to believe he is cheating. It is eating me. The man is truly good. My question is , how do I quell my fear? How do I make this go away? I don’t want to talk about it it’s him again. It comforts me, but I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him. I do. Help me.

I’ve been experiencing mania these past few days. I lashed out and lost it today and have spent the whole day exhausted coming down and up from it. Now all I’ve been doing is binge eating for comfort & familiarity. Anyone experience this? How do you handle it? *talked it out and apologized and it’s all good now, but I always feel like I’m in a daze for the rest of the day….

I hate to ask this, but I’m a college student with bpd, and I’m trying to get a new laptop before school starts, and I’m a little short on money. Since my classes are online, I really need a working laptop, and my current one does not work well for video classes. The idea of online classes is already really stressing me out, since it really takes a toll on my mental health, and having tech issues during my classes will just stress me out more. Honestly any tiny bit of money will help, but please don’t feel obligated to help me if you’re struggling with money too. If you have a little extra money to spare, my paypal link is https://www.paypal.me/chilligirl144 I’d be so grateful for any contributions! (Also send me a message if you do contribute, because I’d want to personally thank anyone who helps me out!)

So my lower left gum and jaw are infected and throbbing with pain. I tried to manage the pain, but nothing is working. I called the dentist first thing this morning and they want me to come in to the office at 2pm. My anxiety over it all is pretty bad. Not only am I in pain, but I'm worried that there's something wrong in my mouth, I know there's something wrong, I'm just concerned it's something that is going to cost me an arm and a leg. Perfect timing! Christmas and I still want to get a few more things for my wife and kids. Anytime I go to the dentist it is very expensive, even for minor mouth work. Any way anxiety is killing me at this point. I could use some reassurance and advice. Posting this to you guys is actually helping with the anxiety. Does it ever help you guys to let it out?

It's a weird thought, yet I've had it for as long as I can recall. I read a lot about history, especially conflicts etc. I have always thought that whilst those poor souls were sent to the slaughter en mass, they, at least had some purpose or had a cause for which they felt they were (wrongly or rightly) fighting. Yet being in this modern (Western) society, where; let's face it, we have it easy compared to previous generations in terms of certain aspects of life, yet on the other hand we are constantly under pressures which didn't exist back then, makes me wish that life had been simpler and that we could just go to our deaths having actually served a purpose. It's definitely the depression speaking but I genuinely feel I have absolutely no purpose in this world. Obviously I work, and help people when I can, and probably bring someone, somewhere, a bit of joy through my being alive, yet I still feel I lack a true purpose. I know it's terrible to think that way and I am by no means suggesting those who fell in wars would not have given their left bollock to have lived a life in peace, still I cannot escape this thought of being a useless waste of oxygen. I do not always see life so bleakly and, indeed, I do enjoy being alive where and when possible, but this torrent of dark shite always ends up flooding my mind at some point on any given day. P.S. I am not purposefully being ignorant of modern conflicts either, I am just focusing on the conflicts of the past in the West, given it has been a while since most Western nations experienced a major conflict on their own soil. Does anybody else ever feel a similar way? Or am I just speaking from my alimentary canal? Much love to all and happy holidays if you are celebrating! 💜🎄

I'm so tired of not being consistent. My relationship is over and it was my choice. I truly believed that I was better without him. Better being unhappy alone than miserable due to his emotional neglect (otherwise known as 'his being a normal human being'). I felt strong, powerful, in control, very sure of my decision. I told him I have the same worth as a person whether he sees that worth or not, and I no longer want to try to make him love me (which he didn't stop doing but I needed more proof because ugh). Then I felt devastating grief. I begged and cried. And was a little bit stalky I guess. Then I went 'mature adult', told him I wouldn't contact him again, for both our sakes, but he's always welcome to contact me. I thought going no contact would help. I deleted him completely and had no way to contact him, because I knew if I had a way I would fail. Then I set about waiting. Hoping. He hasn't contacted me in 2 months. He needed space and time, I knew that. He's ex military and has associated mental illness, and I know he needs time to get right. So I felt hope. Then I felt intense anger. I wanted to set his house on fire, hospitalise him, ruin his life. Then I was devastated again. Then I hoped. Then angry. Then ruined. Then suicidal. Then angry. Then arrogant. Then shameful. Then amused. Then suicidal. Then blah blah. And all the while, so fucking obsessed. I can't be in the quiet because my thoughts tear me apart. I'm surfing the net, watching movies, listening to music so loud I think the speakers will blow out, all just to stop hearing myself think. I hate him I love him I don't believe in love I think he's pathetic I think he's awesome I feel a bond I feel disgust I'm embarrassed I ever thought he was kind I know he's so very kind I want to be his I can't stand the thought of sending my life with him he was my last chance at happiness and companionship he was the worst mistake I ever made I'm glad he's gone he's everything I ever wanted and I blew it he's the worst thing that ever happened to me and I escaped it his lies were malicious and cruel his lies were true to him when he said them he didn't know the things he promised weren't true he's a completely selfish piece of shit he's wonderful and my soul mate I'm okay I'm shit I'm actually pretty awesome I want to die FUUUUCK! I'm so fucking tired. I don't sleep, because I can't have the music blaring when I'm trying to sleep so my thoughts and voices get through and I honestly feel so exhausted and worn it and confused and just all round bad. I just want to think in straight lines. I just want me thoughts to follow some sort of path. I just want to know what I believe, and for that to stay the same for a while. I'll accept whatever I believe. I'll accept devastated, angry, grieving, powerful, worthless, whatever. I'll accept it and move forward with it. How am I supposed to move forward when every thought and emotion I need to work through continually changes? Which emotion do I need to work through in order to heal? Which one is authentic? Which beliefs do I need to work through in order to heal? Which train of thought and intrinsic belief is authentic? How do I sift through all this volatile shit and figure out what I feel and believe, and how do I heal if I can't figure it out? Can somebody please say something soothing to me? 😟

First day I moved here to a new place a friend(a) was sleeping over he is from out of the city my other friend(b) he came to see him he decided that he would sleep here without even ask or telling me and I was tired and was up for 36 hours and was exhausted and unpacked he and the friend from out of the town (a) slept in my room and I didn't sleep cause there is no place for me I didn't say anything cause my friend (a) wanted to see him sec time One day he and his gf were out he called me 2 am and told me that they had to come over he and his gf were going to stay at his house but no one one was there and he forgot the keys and he had nowhere else to go so I said yes they stayed till the morning so I told him next day plz make sure next time to tell me before it and I can't have more than one here and this can't be happing that happened like 4 weeks ago I texted him and he is ignoring me now lol cause I set some bondirires lol The sad part I'm new here and I don't know anyone and I feel so alone thought I was over feeling like this but I'm not am I wrong to set a boundaries with him, I can't stop hating myself or thinking about it. Idk man

hi. my first post on here… i don’t really know what to do about the anxiety ive been feeling lately, mostly because i don’t usually feel this anxious. i’m just hyper focused on whether or not my girlfriend still loves me. she hasn’t done anything to show she doesn’t, but i get a weird feeling whenever she’s too quiet… i keep asking her if shes ok and if she wants to talk and she says shes fine, or that she just doesn’t want to talk… she’s going through some stuff so i know it’s not all about me, i’m just scared she’s thinking about ending things with me. am i going crazy? what should i do? i can’t sleep over this

K so a week ago there was an attempt made, overdose style, obviously failed. (Im not in active danger of re-attempt!) Its summer, my mental health contacts are on summer break and I dont have a therapist/cant afford private one rn. _I have work this evening_, Im having an awfull migrane going almost 24 hours and for ovbius reasons my body cant take painkillers for that yet. Not that I'd have any left anyways. BPD has been going absolutely everywhere with mood swings. I worry if this will effect my work, I already have had one breakdown before my summer break started and had quite a bit of sickleave... They already know im kinda nuts, my SH scars are quite visible. Oh and yes, fresh scars are present now too, hello fun times... Yes, I have been on my summer break for the past month and I really dont want sick leave and look like a lazy piece of arse that just doesnt want to go back to work. (Misunderstand me not, I dont, I hate my job and dont want to work. But money is kinda important ya know. Affording food for myself and cat is a good thing. Looking like a and being a good worker so I will continue to have work to do is also important...) Im used to going to work even tho I had very little mental strenght for it (not quite this low before) but now I feel physically iffy too and Im not sure if its in my head of if I have legit something still wrong/not fully healed. My job is very much a physical labour one and fast paced. Wtf do I do? I really dont feel like in a state to go, but I also dont want to be seen as a bad worker... And these mood swings are absolutely crushing me rn, not gonna lie!

In my experience, the only other people I have met with borderline personality disorder are woman. It would be good to hear some guys experience with it. :)

and which meds are you taking/ have you tried? i’ll soon be on meds too, hopefully, and i’ve heard so many great things about anti depressants. gets my hope up and makes me excited tbh. idk if im expecting too much.

Sometimes I go through periods where I feel like I’ve rid myself of this disorder and then I get a huge reality check. I just heard from my brother that he and my ex went to montreal 2 months ago and my entire mood changed. Like I can’t even be okay with the thought that he’s having fun in Montreal probably fucking a girl he met there . My entire night is ruined just by hearing that he went to Montreal and all the nights I’ve self harmed while I was with him came rushing back, and how much I drank myself to sleep while I was with him. I protect myself in my own little bubble and somehow convince myself that since I have no life that other people don’t as well. I fucking hate this disorder. I hate having bpd this disorder is sick. I hate how the smallest information makes me escalate into horrible thoughts. Like realistically there’s nothing wrong with him going to Montreal, I haven’t been with him for a year now but just that small peice of information makes me escalate. Now I’m thinking of him fucking other girls. I fucking hate how little it takes me to crumble. This disorder is a nightmare.

When I close my eyes, It’s basically birds chirping in forest.

Every time I see something regarding sex or sexual things, I begin to cry and can't stop crying. I keep thinking of it and can't sleep, it makes me uncomfortable for hours and hours. I've had to stop watching movies, shows and anime in fear of anything romantic or sexually involved. I do have depression, is this some kind of side affect?

I have quiet BPD, my significant other has full-blown. We live 2 hours apart, it's tough, and now she's caring for her dad who just had triple-bypass. I believe in my heart she loves me, but whenever she gets stressed, she breaks off our engagement - 4 times now. I don't want anyone else. She doesn't believe she deserves happiness, and bails at the slightest hint of anything negative. What can I do, other than wait it out? Thanks...

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It seems like I get this feeling almost every day at some point where I’m bored with myself and feel like I haven’t done enough. I get sad about it and kinda mope-y. I’ve gotten way better about my mood swings and not taking them out on my bf, thankfully, but they’ve turned, I guess, into more internal battles. Right now, I’m curled up in bed, bummed out for no real reason, itching for another dopamine hit/something to look forward to, and thinking about just sleeping it all off. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you cope?

I wish people like me could have the option to end it all without pain and judgment. Just go to a quiet place, take a pill and die peacefully and without pain. That we can live in a world where the choice of life and death is respected equally. Where we shouldn't wait to grow old to die or to live a long and sad life just because other people would be sad.

For me it's my job I always feel like my two bosses treat me differently then my other co worker. My bosses great guys but sometimes they do or say something to me that they don't say or do to my other co worker. Something we were talking about today really made me feel shitty, my main boss was talking about leaving because the work load it to much the higher ups don't give a shit sometimes etc etc. So he then says that if he leaves that my other boss and my co worker are all gonna leave as well and I said ill also leave because you guys make the job fun, you actually help you're employees get better etc. What got me was after all that he insisted that I stay when I'm Just a regular grunt. That made me feel super crappy and it got to me more than it should tbh I did a lot for those guys and just to hear him say basically that Him, my boss and my co worker will likely get jobs together after this current place. Also these guys aren't super close or anything my two bosses are have been friends for a bit but yea. Let me know what you guys think and you're experience with situations like this.

I (22M) got a (20F) friend. She has BPD. I thought that I could help her, but lately she is having some hardcore episodes. I really want to help and support her to make her happy, or at least, less unhappy. So, I joined this community looking for some advices that help me to help her to make her feel less useless and avoid that she loses her mind. How do you deal with some up’s and down’s when a strong feeling hit you? Are there exist any health activitie that you, guys, do when you feel so terrible? She is through all of this for herself, and i understand that it is so hard to deal with all her thoughts and feelings. So, if you can give an advice, i’d be so grateful. Thank you all for reading this post.

I'm 36, and I just got diagnosed with bpd, like and hour ago. And I'm slightly freaking out. By slightly, Ive been in the tub for an hour now having a good cry. I'm kind of scared to tell my parents and husband. When you google it, it's scary. The psychiatrist didn't give me any resources on dealing with this diagnosis, so I'm looking to the good people of Reddit for some reassurance.

I’m writing this as I try to finish a single portion of pho that I’ve been reheating and eating for 3 different meals, please help me out. I’ve been battling anxiety, depression and ADHD since my early teens and only in recent years I’ve developed terrible eating habits, worsened by my gastro problems (I’ve always been a foodie and genuinely love all foods so it’s not to do with my tastes). Lately I’ve been struggling to eat even one meal a day as I feel nauseous all the time and especially when I eat, then after I eat I just get mild to rarely severe stomach aches, sometimes I even break out in cold sweat from trying to keep the food down. This is almost always directly correspondent to my mental health on the day/week. At this moment only food I can really imagine myself enjoying is a cream puff but bakeries are already closed where I am. Can you guys share with me what comfort foods you can always rely on when you’re feeling down or even nauseous? Thanks!

As the title says, I’m just looking for advice. I told my friend I liked this guy a little bit, and one of his friends overheard and told him, and now he moved his seat in our shared class, so instead of next to me he’s a few seats down and I am incredibly embarrassed he knows, and genuinely have dreaded and thought about this and replayed the moment for the last few days. Does anyone have any advice? I just feel like my anxiety amplifies my embarrassment until this one stupid moment defines my life for now. Maybe I’m just overthinking.

Anyone else get really bad anxiety around mistakes or messing up? I'm always on edge because I'm scared someone is gonna ask me to do something or expect me to get something done and I'm gonna mess it up and feel terrible. It can be anything. In fact more often than not it's menial tasks. Washing dishes. Doing laundry. Taking out the trash. I always feel like I'm gonna forget or screw it up somehow and then I get super nervous and start freaking out. I just feel like I can't do anything right and when I do it's just a delay until I screw up again :(

Has anybody pushed themselves to do things or go places *alone* in hopes of working out your anxiety with that? In the beginning I couldn’t even go to doctors appointments or food shopping alone, so I’ve been working on going places alone, to try and appreciate solitary outings. Today’s goal- get dropped off at the beach & be okay with being by myself! Can anyone relate with this aspect of anxiety & what tools have you used in working on it?

Hi everyone Does anyone else suffer from ptsd-like symptoms years after helping a loved one through an extremely severe period of mental ill health? I live in fear that it will happen again and I don’t think it’s normal. My partner is well. Is it possible I have ptsd or something similar?

If I don’t drive people away with my intense insanity, there are always conditions. For example, “I love you” + “if/and/or/but.” It doesn’t matter if it’s friends or family or even potential romantic partner. I’ll never be ideal or worthy. I guess I just need to lower my expectations.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice or tactics for coping with irrational jealousy, as this is something I really struggle with and I just can’t seem to make progress on. It seems to just come out of nowhere sometimes and I get triggered by small things that are clearly irrational, and even though I know they’re irrational, I still feel really distressed. One example is that I interact with my closest friend mostly via Twitter. Today I saw her make a post about wanting to reopen her old tumblr account because she’s tired of the discourse on Twitter lately. My brain processed that like, “she wants to spend more time with other people rather than you” and even though I know that’s not the case, it still made me feel really jealous and distressed. I know logically that my close friend has other friends too, she can’t spend all her time with me and that’s normal and healthy. But sometimes I just feel so jealous and it makes me miserable, and I feel like a terrible friend. Has anyone got any coping methods that help with jealousy?

You want to get out of this mess but It’s like you’re slipping and sliding everywhere when you try to get back on your own two feet. You looked around you, and people are walking on normal ground so perfectly fine with grace. You are already losing momentum and motivation. It’s so tiring and you’re running out of energy. You go on walking like this for months and it feels very exhausting to even walk anymore. It’s too much to ask help from others as everyone has their own business to settle. Your therapist says falling is part of the recovery. But how...

I get so much anxiety the whole day before going to work. Every day I think about how I wish I was just dead or that I could just disappear so that I don't have to go. It ruins my whole day (and I work 4/7 days of the week lol) I just really hate this and I don't want it to be like this forever. How do I stop wanting to avoid things that bring me anxiety? For example I've literally dropped my classes because I don't know what I want to do in school, a year ago I quit a job because I had to do something that I felt I was under a lot of pressure for, in school i'd always take a bad grade over public speaking. I just want to feel comfortable doing normal things and not always take the easy way out.

I like to have a few drinks with my wife but I always get really bad anxiety when I wake up at about 1am, even though everything has been fine and I only had one or two. I start to feel like an awful person and my life is meaningless. (I don’t feel like this at all throughout a normal day so it’s not serious depression) Any tips on how to avoid Hangxiety?

I was in a really abusive relationship 14 years ago for six months. I have a lot of holes in my memory, and can't even remember the city my ex lived in or his last name. I was 21 at the time, so old enough to remember the things I just can't recall. It's literally like I only remember bits of pieces from those six months, and to this day it makes me feel "crazy." The abuse was physical, psychological, sexual, and emotional. For example it was so bad I remember slitting my wrists and my ex putting me in the bathtub to calm me down. I remember the way his bedroom looked and where the hvac vent was when we were having sex. I remember his kitchen tablecloth. Just like... very random things, but nothing important. Is this a bpd thing? Does anyone have tips on remembering? For some reason I feel like if I can just remember everything I will finally be at peace about what happened.

Since my very first job, I have always been a job hopper. I dropped out of college on three occasions, my résumé is 3 pages long and I STILL don’t know what I want to do with my life. Currently I am a repossession agent. I don’t know what got in my head 5 months ago that said I could do this job. I’m dealing with some, to be frank - what feels like existential dread over an unread message from the big boss, asking me why I didn’t run a couple accounts. They weren’t identified as next shift accounts until I was already at the lot, ready to call it a day. That would be the honest reply, but why the hell do I feel so much dread over it? Part of my problem is that I have never met my boss in person and everything is ran via Skype group chats. I don’t know how he is in person and can’t get a grasp on his tone through text. But if I’m being honest, he comes across as a grade A asshole and he has a penchant for calling people out in group chats instead of getting with them privately. That is what he did to me tonight and I don’t think that’s cool. I don’t know how to reply to him, but lately I have been feeling like I am not cut out for this job or this industry. Rather I should say, I know I’m not cut out for this. I also keep going into this spiral of thinking that I don’t know how to do anything at all. I don’t know how to communicate with people, I have this constant irrational fears of their replies. I really want to quit my job tonight. I want to drop of my keys and company credit card in the office, lock up and delete Skype and block everyone’s phone numbers. I know it sounds extreme, but I really considering it. At 31 years old, I have been dealing with this for far too long. If adults had a milestone scale like infants, I would be so far behind. I’m just tired of trying.

Today is Sunday. I had a few thoughts of things to do, but I had nothing I urgently needed to do. It’s 6:30pm. What have I done today? I walked my dog. I watched Stranger Things. I played some Candy Crush. I took a nap. I played around on Instagram and Reddit. Normally I would be angry with myself for “wasting” the day. Today, I am accepting that I needed to do nothing. I am super stressed and anxious about work and family issues, and it’s exhausting. I *needed* to do nothing today. I wasn’t unproductive. I feel rested and a little more recharged for the workweek. Yes, I’m still anxious, but I am forgiving myself for doing nothing today. My message to you: Let yourself have a break, and don’t feel guilty about it. The only one holding you to your standards is *you*. You deserve to do nothing!

please i just want help idk what’s wrong with me theres too much that i feel and no one to talk to about my mind feels like it’s gonna explode

During last semester something happened where I just snapped and wasn’t myself. I guess do to stress of life, but I became so angry, mean, unmotivated, never wanted to do anything. I pushed my (ex) boyfriend away. I would snap at the drop of a hat. My anxiety got so bad where I would constantly be thinking of crazy shit. Sometimes they would get so bad id throw myself into a full blown panic attack. I could sleep for 12 hours and still just lay in bed and not do anything. I never realized how unhealthy I became until we broke up. I got on lexapro to help, Then recently added wellbutrin because I still felt so unmotivated and sad. I also started therapy. This school semester I don’t even care. I have a test in two days and I couldn’t be bothered to really put in effort. Normally I’d be a stressed out mess. I can’t help but to feel like how stressed I was last semester (busted my ass yet still barley passed) is what snapped me into this. I guess it was bound to happen, as my family has heavy mental illness on both sides. Wellbutrin I hope makes a turn in a few weeks because so far I’m still so fatigued. My ex gave me a chance for us to take some time to work on ourselves and come back to each other but I completely blew it because I had a full blown panic and convinced myself of stupid shit. I don’t really have any friends. I just want to lay in my bed and rot away. Months ago I was so full of life. I was so happy and I always went out and did things. I don’t know what happened but now I’m so scared I’ll never get back to that. How I feel right now is almost unbearable to live through. I feel like I have a constant weight on me and like I’ve completely lost myself. The thought that I’ll never be happy and full of life again absolutely kills me. I’m only 20 and I’m already so miserable. I see my mom struggle with the same thing. I’m bound to just end up like her. I love her and I know she tries but she has all the same problems. On top of drinking. Both of us at home and lay in bed all day. No life outside of what we have to do. Everyone says I won’t end up life that because I’m getting help (therapy/meds) but I don’t see myself changing any.

This is my first time posting so I’m nervous. I’ve never asked from help from a public forum like this but desperation has forced me. My therapist retired and I have yet to find another one so I have no one to talk to. My sister asked me years ago to not contact her with my drama. I’ve isolated for so long I have no friends. I’ve heard that from people who actually have friends, maybe just not enough or good enough. I literally have none. Anyway, my mental health started going downhill when my mother passed away. My daughter was 14 at the time and we were going through (what I thought was typical) mother/daughter issues. She wanted to go live with my sister and my ex husband agreed that she’d be better off since I was emotionally struggling. He lied about how it would be so I signed the guardianship over to my sister. Ever since then I have been a mess, not able to function. I painted her room at my sisters house last week while she was on Spring Break. I cried the whole time because I had just painted her room at MY house a couple years ago. In my family being a mother is everything so if you fail at that you are a failure. I have found there is no group hated more than “non-custodial mothers”. I’d planned my whole life around being a mother. I can’t seem to see a future without being a mom. My ex berated me in front of her and my sister hasn’t been much better. My daughter no longer even texts me back or talks to me. A few months ago she deleted and blocked me from all social media. Now that I can’t “check in” with her by seeing where she’s at or what she’s up to I have been suicidal. I don’t know how to “move on” without her. I don’t know what to do. I cry everyday. When I realize she wants no contact with me I want to die so I keep so busy I can’t think about it. She lives right down the street though so I can’t ignore it or like like this problem doesn’t exist (though my sister does). My question is, what is the purpose or point of life because I see no reason for living.

about 3 weeks ago, my fp blocked me. i'll spare some of the details in case since he's also on reddit and i'm really worried he'll find this post, but what happened was i was venting about my bf. the next day, he blocked me everywhere. he didn't even bother saying "goodbye" or leave me a note explaining why, i was just left to figure it out on my own. context: i was venting because my bf is also mentally unstable and i was stressed out about him and our relationship. he told me to stop, so i stopped venting and apologized for making him uncomfortable. the next day, he cut me off completely and gave 0 notes to me beforehand. i was planning to contact him using a different account on twitter, but i've been putting it off for so long because i was so anxious that he would block me again and i really don't know if it's the right thing to do. i know that i sound desperate saying this, but i just don't know if i should really push for a second chance or accept the reality that he probably hates me now. i really don't know what i did wrong. i always tried my best to respect his boundaries, i was being nice to him and i never did anything bad that i can remember. is it a good idea to contact him or leave him be?

I have a bad physics teacher. I have no motivation to study physics. Even when I study and then try to solve problems, I fail. Physics makes me feel so stupid and it's making me hate myself. Everyday I wake up thinking about this burden and how much shit I have to finish and it makes me so anxious. I barely understand crap and it just makes me feel so depressed. I'm sorry for ranting, but I just needed to get this out.

So I (21F) haven't been to the doctor for a wellness checkup in 2 years now, so there is the feeling that I should go...but I just can't. I want to, but I can't bring myself to do it. I hate doctor's offices and hospitals, especially when I'M the patient, and I'm just super phobic. I was notified of some of the procedures that they want to do, and this includes, a pap smear, a flu shot, a booster for tetanus, and a blood draw. I'm shaking and crying right now. I hate needles, so I'm getting 3 needles in one day, one of which I know is gonna cause me to faint and have intense nausea, which I'm already going to have just walking into the appointment. I'm also a virgin, and I'm getting my first pap smear, something that I'm also crying about. I've grown up with a lot of shame, especially when I was young, because my mom (54F) would in a way, insist that my body isn't mine and has to be controlled. She would flip shit if I ever lost my virginity. Anyway, this phobia is making my life really hard right now. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, which is honestly the worst part. I can't talk to my mom, because she has repeatedly made fun of me and has been really non-supportive. She's called me a baby and ridiculous, and has laughed at me. And I honestly doubt that anyone at the doctor's office would understand. It keeps getting worse and worse, and sometimes, I feel like they are trying to provoke me on purpose. Why must I suffer like this? No one understands the panic that I feel around this. No one cares tl;dr: Phobic of going to the doctor, needles, and pap smear, no one to talk to about it, no one understands EDIT: To clarify, the doctor's office that I go to doesn't have a place/option where I can call and tell them about my fears. It's more for the basic stuff that you would expect like scheduling etc, and a lot of the system is run by robots.

Like… no? We were born in an uninterested world (which already is a counterpoint to a reason to live), to an universe with no inherent value systems, and it’s just the human themselves that created value, meaning, and reason to do some things and not do others. I don’t care about they themselves playing by the rules and enforcing them, but when I’m wanting to opt out not only from the society, but from this world as a whole, why do I need to care about their ethics and morals on how suicide is bad? bUt wHaT aBoUt yOuR fRiEnDs aNd fAmIlY? Like dude, thousands of people every year go missing in action from their friends and families. Regardless of with or without closure, many people choose to have a social death and no one bats an eye about it. Many people choose to not see their friends and families ever again and that’s not immoral. But suddenly you’re doing the same thing with the added benefit of easing your pain and now you’re the bad guy??? The whole “friends and family” excuse is utter bullshit. Gaslighting and guilt-tripping me that way doesn’t work anymore. I mean sure, they could have my empathy, but having empathy for others doesn’t ease your pain away. I didn’t choose my family, I never volunteered to live my life for my parents and my siblings. It’s not their responsibility to keep me alive, either. If I choose to go, that’s completely within my decision and as long as I’m not tampering with their own personal liberty, they have nothing to say about it.

I should be happy. I want to be happy. But I cant be. Im so lucky to have the life i have. Im so lucky to be the person I am. But Im never sure of what Im doing. It overwhelms me, and makes every decision feel monumental. I dont even want to do it anymore. The thought of wanting to let it all go constantly rings in my head. Atleast 10 times a day. It would be so much easier that way. I hate the way I sound. Its not the person I am, but its always whats in my head. Every little issue blows up and I cant stop thinking about it. I cant even sleep anymore because i stay up questioning everything that Im doing. Every mistake I make at work, and in my personal life. I cant remember the last time I got more than 4 hours. I dont know why I typed this. Ive never been able to tell anyone. Not even the therapist I was seeing for two years. I ghosted her because I couldnt get myself to open up.

I had a job from wich i was fired for taking to much time off work and in my country you have an option to continue paid health leave from work even after getting fired but I decided to go to a new job and now I hate it, i hate every day and just found out the paid leave is off the table. This news makes me devastated as the only thing comforting me was that i can go back to paid leave at any moment, and now i have to work there for at least few months before that's even an option. Is this a good time to shoot myself you think?

I was diagnosed age 20, and it was nothing but a blessing to me. I suddenly figured out I'm not crazy - or rather, I might be, but it has a name and it has treatment and other people are alike me. I was ecstatic. My whole life I was sure something was wrong with me, something other than "just" depression, so my diagnosis was a relief. What was it like to you? How and when did you get your diagnosis? Are you still working on accepting you have BPD, or perhaps still aiming for a diagnosis?

I havent been eating or sleeping well. But i bought a pesticide thinking it would kill me and i felt this calm happy acceptance feeling and packing up all my things. Only to realize i didnt get the right pesticide. And now im feeling low. Not sure what to do

Hello peeps, I wanted to make this post because I'm wondering if im addicted to sleeping, enslaved by the side-effects of seroquel, or depressed. Sleep addiction? I say I'm addicted to sleeping because I gamble a lot in my life to just keep sleeping. When my alarm goes off, I would do anything to close my eyes and drift back into sleep. I'm so sleepy when I have to wake up, I sacrifice things to have another hour of sleep. For example: cleaning, making plans, being on time for work, not showing up for early morning appointments. In a regular day, I crave that mid-day nap no matter what my day was like, whether it be completing a small task or a light day at work, I'm rushing home to get right back in bed. Seroquel side-effects? My seroquel makes me extremely drowsy from my morning dose of medications. I like this because otherwise I am bouncing off the walls and easily overstimulated. There are times when my coworkers ask me if I've taken my medicine because when I do I'm much more calm, focused, and less hyperactive. I take seroquel at night which has kept me from any late night mania from happening because it keeps me in a routine of strictly sleeping at night. .y serowuel definitely gives me heavy drowsiness but I was honestly a big sleeper before this was prescribed. My doctor played with medicines before that tried keeping me awake and this sent me into mania. Depressed? I know there are many different ways depression can manifest. When I feel I've been depressed, I used to drink heavily to relieve the pain of depression. I've had storms of tears over just about anything. I've self harmed. I've been hysterically upset before in ways that used to torture me. I haven't self harmed in almost a year. I don't cry at all unless it's an emotional movie. I don't drink to fill a void or fix my problems right now. I don't want to rule out depression but I'd just like to paint a picture of what my depressive episodes looked like. If anyone can help give advice or their perspective, I'd appreciate it. It's disappointing sometimes because for weeks I haven't done laundry because when I'm off from work I sleep the day away. And when I plan to do it after work, I'd just rather go to sleep when I get home.

I’ve recently made plans for public Suicide because of not being able to return to my university. I don’t know what to do anymore. There’s no reason to continue living I’ve never been loved and I have nothing.

Hello, I'm new here and I wanted to ask some questions. To sum up, I never had a nice (not even a bit) relationship with my family and I live with my mother who is abusive. My older sister (who's 27) left the house when she was only 7. I'm 18, I have depression, severe anxiety and ADHD. I'm on antidepressants since January of this year but lately I've been thinking I might have BPD. I'm going to therapy and I'm gonna talk about this because I tend to see myself when people with BPD talk about their experiences and what/how do they feel. I have so many issues because of my relationships in the past and I'm so scared people are gonna leave me eventually. I need constant reassurance and I'm working on being more independent, although it's taking a lot of hard work. Maybe it's not the best thing, but I looked over the symptons of BPD on Google and well, I just see myself there. I'm not gonna self diagnose but I just think that it'd explain a lot of things if I happen to have BPD. I don't think that's something bad, it just would make me help understand myself a lot more and maybe I can find better ways to work on my mental health :)

I literally haven't told anyone I have BPD. I really want to, it hurts feeling like all your loved ones just think you're fucking crazy for no reason. Every time I try to talk about it, I just clam up and suddenly there's walls surrounding me and whoever I'm trying to have this serious conversation and nothing can get in and nothing can get out. Any advice how to break the "I'm really mentally ill" ice? 😕

Sooo, I’m writing this now right after I’ve had a bad discussion with my mom. She got really mad because I went to my brother about my suicidal thoughts, and not her. She really doesn’t understand that waking her up and telling her wow mom I’m feeling like shit again, it’s something I have to work on because I feel horrible if I wake her up and tell her about my feelings (mostly because I feel like my feelings and thoughts don’t matter at all). So basically she got super upset and said a bunch of things like “so what ur gonna go self harm now again” and it really triggered me. Some people tell me that she is very toxic to me from saying these type of things and honestly I don’t know if she is or not. I mean she gets really mad at me for small things that I can’t really help, she says things that hurt me and feel worse than ever, as for today she said stuff that made me feel like “well so it would be better if I wasn’t here”. I think I just needed to rant but I also wonder if she might be toxic towards me and my bpd since I easily get triggered. On another note she has also told me that I would be selfish if I went to the psych ward and that I should think about how my family feels :/ I’m also sorry I wasn’t sure what flair I should use for this post but I at least put a TW!! :/

After reading all about BDP and I’m pretty sure my husband has it. I need advice on finding a good affordable therapist that will see him over video chat only and make him feel comfortable bc with all the other therapy he’s had they have not been able to diagnosis him, because he doesn’t talk about his behavior with them. Any help will be appreciated

I really wanted to share this with people who will understand how meaningful this is. For about a month now I have taken a lot of control over my physical and mental health. I have been reading a book that has helped me more than DBT ever did. I’m writing, doing yoga every day, making routines and sticking to them, sleeping better, and have noticed a real difference in my emotional intensity and duration. In short, I’m the most disciplined I’ve ever been in my life. My relationship is great, my job is great, I have a genuine friend for the first time in so long…things are stable and consistent and I’m proud of my hard work. Despite these positive changes, I began to find myself depressed and I didn’t understand why. I kept pushing through but it persisted. Then, I started having urges to completely sabotage my life, engage in toxic behaviors, use loved ones for personal gain, be reckless, basically just do things that I know would make my life complete chaos. I had never actually felt this way before and I was having so much anxiety around it and was miserable knowing I had to suppress these toxic thoughts and urges. I was really worried I wouldn’t be able to control myself if the thoughts didn’t subside. I talked about it in therapy and it helped but not enough. I was so confused. I didn’t understand why I had such selfish urges. It was discouraging. I thought I was on the right path, so why was I feeling unhappy? Last night it clicked. I’m not depressed, I’m bored. I’m bored because I’m not drowning in chaos like I have my whole life. I’m not lashing out like I used to. I’m taking care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m actually doing it! It completely made sense why I was having these thoughts and now my perspective has changed and I no longer feel like I’m being driven by them. I realized that they are actually a good sign. I’m changing for the better and it’s out of my comfort zone. I know there are many pwBPD that are resistant to improvement because of this reason and I want to validate that. I want people to understand that feeling afraid of healing is actually so normal it would be strange to not feel that way. It’s supposed to be scary and uncomfortable otherwise we would all be healed with self awareness alone. Don’t give up! You can do it! Baby steps, and be gentle with yourself and don’t judge the resistance. It gets better.

She wrote this album after ending her year-long relationship, describing all the different feelings and phases one goes through after such a breakup, but it really resonates with me and a lot of the lyrics just perfectly describe what it's like living with BPD. I really recommend it to everyone who's into that kind of music, so many feels. *The truth is, I am a toy that people enjoy 'til all of the tricks don't work anymore, and then they are bored of me. I know that it's exciting, running through the night, but every perfect summer's eating me alive until you're gone, better on my own.*

I (24f) have been going to therapy of all sorts since I was 12. I was diagnosed with autism just before my 18th birthday. I have always har severe anxiety, I've tried every possible trick in the book to help relieve my constant anxiety, nothing has worked. I am on setreline and that no longer helps me, I'm at the end my rope with it and I don't know what to do. What helps you deal with yours better?

I feel like I’ve forgiven her for so much… I’ve forgiven her for things that don’t deserve to be forgiven… Whenever she’s in the wrong I have to forgive her immediately whether or not she apologizes or else I’m being a brat— but when I’m wrong and apologize/own up to it immediately, she’s “allowed” to be mad at me for days on end… She never physically hurt me badly (spankings as a kid and she’d raised her fist at me when she was mad but that’s it) but she is a master manipulator, huge victim-complex, gaslighting, emotionally abusive— she tried to weaponize my dad against me. Even now, she feels like I hate her (I DO) and she’s trying to play the woe-is-me pity game to get me to to love her again and I’m at my limit… I just can’t. I’ve spent my whole life forcing myself to act like I love her and forgiving her for everything she’s ever done wrong and I just can’t anymore. She still hangs mistakes I made as a FUCKING CHILD over my head as if it means that I will never be capable of being a good person, yet GOD FUCKING FORBID I even MENTION some bullshit she did to me within the past few months. I just feel like I can’t forgive her anymore. Like all of my forgiveness to her has run out and will never fill back up. Even small things are starting to pile up and I just can’t seem to forgive her for it. 1) She ruined a tattoo I’ve wanted forever by sampling she wanted one too (I rather have a veiny dick tattooed on my forehead than have a matching tattoo with that woman) 2) She called a haircut I wanted “gross” the other day (I still got it as a “fuck you” and it’s the only haircut I’ve had that’s made me feel good about myself) 3) She tells me the piercings I have always wanted “look stupid” She basically tells me all the time how she hates everything about me just without directly saying it and I can’t fucking stand it anymore. And the worst part is that even though I graduate this year, I have to stay one more year at home to finish the second year of a program I’m in before I go to college. I don’t know if I can stay here another year. I love my dad and I don’t mind living at home with him. He makes life simple, he helps guide me when I’m being indescisive, he helps me work through fears— he’s made up for the ways he was absent when I was a kid and he did it in a way that let me rebuild my trust with him. He was hesitant for a while, but he supports me transitioning. But she is just awful. She makes life a living hell. I can’t say it’s all bad with her, because it is good a lot of the time, but the bad moments I do have with her are so bad they negate all the good and they make it hard to enjoy being around her, because I don’t know when she’s going to blow up on me again. \- - - CW: SH I was two years clean and an argument with her pissed me off so bad that I relapsed (not badly, it was a few days ago, I’m okay now). I can’t even forgive her for that and it was something I did on my own— but I know she was the thing that set me off and if she hadn’t have said what she did, I wouldn’t have been so pissed off. \- - - I’m at my limit with her. I genuinely can’t handle her anymore. I’m so excited to leave for college, because then I can finally control when and why I talk to her. Part of me is excited to go away to college so that I can finally dress and style myself the way I want. Part of me is exciting to be something she despises. I’m at the point where I want her to look at me and feel disgust because that’s the only thing I feel when I look at her. I genuinely want her to think I’m gross, and ugly, and look stupid, just so she knows how little I give a fuck about her and her bullshit ideas and opinions. I’m so sick of her shit.

i posted a selfie there just because i had to send a link to someone on reddit as a request to edit the background because it was the only way to do that. I got loads of weird hateful comments under it and downvotes. are selfies not allowed there or something? i am so confused because i didn’t think anyone would see it

I start thinking about stuff, then I can't sleep and get shakey because I'm anxious. Like I can't stop thinking about what ifs, and even just bogus scenarios that play over and over in my head. For instance, I go over all the times adults were, I guess, inappropriate to me and what if x or y were different. Why did this person do that? Does it affect who I am now? It goes out on tangents of how things could've been different if I had done "x" or this person was shitty because of me, it's my fault, etc. Why didn't I do this or that. I think it's a common problem that lots of people deal with. Kinda like how you go over embarrassing moments in your head over and over. It happens maybe once or twice a month for me hardcore. Like I need to be up four hours from now, but I gotta think through every bad scenario that has ever happened to me or might've happened or still might happen real quick. I try to quiet my brain but it gets really hard to wind down after thinking about heavy stuff. I guess I need to know how people transition from heavy thought to peaceful sleep?

tw self harm I told my dad my plan to commit and he then made jokes abt it and sort of belittled me about how ineffective it is etc. like damn, that’s pretty fuckin dope. Like now I want to do it out of fucking spite. It’s such a bad feeling and mentality but whenever people piss me off even when it is my fault, it makes me become so apathetic and angry and then I want to do something drastic in return, even though i know it’s irrational and would be f’ed up. And I’m fuckin dealing with it but fuck, just wanna show people that I’m fucking struggling through everything . do I need to show people my fresh c*ts for them to fucking listen????

I have too much free time and I'm always forcing myself to improve and to do something productive. I feel stuck. Always trying to change my life for better but that only increases anxiety and makes me go backwards, I need time to relax and to enjoy my hobbies but I can't. How can I enjoy my free time without having my mind telling me that I need to change my life 24/7?

Mine is Orange is the New Black. When I'm in a funk I just watch it on repeat, nothing else.

I've been struggling with anxiety since I can remember. this year has been the worst time of my life and it's been getting hard to live day by day. yesterday I was tired of dealing with everything and thought I can just sleep for a while to not think. so before I went to bed I took like 300 mg of benadryl. it was the second time this week that I have done that. however, this time it did not help me sleep at all. my heart felt like it was being squeezed and my heart rate felt very slow. I started hallucinating by hearing sounds and probably would have had visual ones if I could keep my eyes open. I tried to use the bathroom but I could barely walk since it seemed like the world was spinning. then I kept passing out on the toilet. after the worst 2 hours I was finally able to sleep and I was able to sleep all day without thinking at least. I would say that it was one the most peaceful days I've had in a while. but I would not recommend to do this since the high is horrible.

Hi all, I have had very bad anxiety to where it has made me want to kill myself most days, I am finally getting help after years of suffering but I’m not sure I’ll be able to do the therapy with how bad it is, I’m wondering if I should try and go straight to meds?

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I feel so irrelevant, unseen and unimportant. I have cryptic posts but nobody seem to care. Maybe it's my way to ask for help, for anyone to talk to me as I am not really fond of asking help from others directly. I hope I won't get to the point where I'm going to put a desperate call for help and that it's gonna be my last line but no one would give a damn. It might be my call to finally end it all.

I believe I have tourettes. I've had this sniffing tic since I was young, I had to sniff air out of my nose(not up my nose) since I was young, it gets worse if I'm anxious. I also jump up and land evenly on my feet every once and a while. I do a lot of these things when people aren't around or try to hide them. I had forceful eye blinking in high school, I've learned to blink my eyes in a certain way that's not noticeable that satisfies the urge. I always feel uncomfortable. I have severe ocd as well/compulsions/anxiety. I remember when I took antidepressants for a period of time I felt "normal". I don't really feel depressed though. What medications do you take for tourettes/tic disorders?

So today, I had to lose another friend over my ex. It's absolutely the worst feeling to know that someone you thought had your back decides that they dont have it anymore.

I recently posted, won't bore you with that. I want to open up and talk about anxiety with one of my friends who said she used to have anxiety that was so bad she would faint. I can't make myself do it and although it may sound mean or unhelpful just make me do it, I've always relied on pressure from others to make myself do stuff. plz

I just got a job at a hospital working as a Patient Safety Attendant. It’s not my dream job, but I’m a mom to a 3 year old and I have to wait before I can finish nursing school so any job at a hospital is good for me now. Anyways, today was my 3rd(ish) day. My second real day of working. I was sitting with a patient and my trainer and started to have a really hard time breathing. Now, I’m asthmatic so I originally assumed it was that. However, I also have pretty bad anxiety and I knew I was feeling anxious but I wasn’t sure if I was anxious because I couldn’t breathe or I couldn’t breathe because I was anxious (does that make sense?). I went and used my rescue inhaler multiple times but it wasn’t helping my breathing at all. After a few hours of this I told my coworker and she told me to go talk to the charge nurse, my supervisor for the day. I told her exactly what was happening, that I had asthma and anxiety and couldn’t tell which one it was but I was really struggling to breathe and needed to go home. She was going to walk me down to the ER but after talking to another nurse decided to take my vitals first. They came back perfectly fine. She decided that she thought I was having a panic attack and recommend I go to an urgent care. I left and went home to take my anxiety medicine. It’s been about 40 minutes since I’ve taken it and I’m breathing much better now. But I’m incredibly embarrassed to go back since it was just a panic attack. I don’t want to seem like an incompetent employee. I also said 3(ish) days of working in the beginning because I had to leave early my first day because I had bronchitis and my cough was scaring people. Is this going to reflect badly on me as an employee? My 90 days are not nearly close to being over and I really don’t want to lose this job. I’m rambling now. Moral of the story is, I’m embarrassed it happened and I’m afraid I’m going to lose my job. Anyone out there experience something like this before? Or have any advice? Thank you!

I’m a teenager and I got my first job fairly recently and I absolutely love it there. It was a little overwhelming at first and it’s a lot of physical labor but everyone there is so sweet and nice and it’s just a generally great environment. Only thing is that my shifts always start in the afternoon and end in the evening which hasn’t been great for my mental health. My anxiety has been going way up in the mornings cause I have nothing planned but have so much I want to get done. It ends up just overwhelming me and I just waste time with mindless activities until it’s time to go. I’m currently on meds for anxiety and me and my doctor are looking into adhd as well. I’m just curious if any of you have any tips on how to cope with anxiety when you have a lot of time on your hands? Anything will help.

I feel so spaced out. Like half here half just not. Sometimes I get strong waves of derealization. But it just bugs me that I feel like I can barely comprehend anything. I do the bare minimum. I’m workin on getting my license but I’m so scared of just spacing out and causing an accident. When I’m behind the wheel I’m literally shaking. I don’t connect with anyone anymore. I know I love them but I barely feel any emotion. What is happening to me? Does anyone know

I like my beard. It's something I pride myself in taking care of. I have been growing it to various lengths for a number of years now and routinely get it trimmed. At the moment the longest hairs when straightened are at about 4-5 inches. Throughout the day, not sure if it's specifically when I'm anxious but it probably plays a part, I keep impulsively pulling the hairs out by the root and it's starting to affect its shape, thinning in areas etc. I don't know why but there's something comforting in pulling a single hair out, tugging/playing with it and then the sharp pinch when it comes out. Sounds super weird but I probably catch myself doing it 20+ times a day, even when I notice and try and stop literally minutes later I'll be playing with it again, leading to pulling them eventually Really need to stop this before it suffers irreversible damage (already damaged areas where the hair follicles won't regrow), kinda embarrassed to ask anyone I know IRL, I try and acknowledge it and go back to shaking/tapping my leg but there's still an urge there and it's super annoying. Probably going to look at fidget-spinner style things but when I'm doing it subconsciously it's more of an issue. This tied with heaaavy suicidal thoughts from restarting my antidepressants in the last few days are just causing a bad time all round, so maybe someone has some advice. Thanks & peace

Hi I'm just wondering if anyone stopped anti psychotics and did your sex life return to normal? I've tried 3 different meds now and have had no improvement. Once my community treatment order is done I'm planning on stopping medication and hoping my sex life returns to normal. I care a lot about sex and plan on having a family some day. It's making me feel really suicidal.

I told my FP I needed to take a few mental health days and would not be texting her. Honestly, sometimes I do this because I want her to miss me while I'm gone, and give me extra love when I return. I know it's not good, but it's what happens. I came back and texted hello and she didn't reply to me for hours even though she was occasionally online. Later found out she was on call with a new friend that I'd been worried about And man, did this really set me off. I started crying and once I started, I couldn't stop. It wasn't just a little bit of crying, I was straight up sobbing into my pillow. I cried myself to sleep, then woke up crying again. I know this wasn't a rational response to what happened, but I really just couldn't stop. I was hurting so much and could barely understand why. I cried to the point of being pale and extremely nauseous. I texted a friend who helped me calm down, and eventually I did and felt better. Until the next day when I freaked out to my FP. I feel like I can't trust myself sometimes, there are moments that *feel* different, where I can recognized I've entered a different state of mind but just can't stop.

Okay I feel fucking dumb for even asking this just FYI. For context I had seen this therapist for couples counseling prior. The therapist would mainly focus on me and we all agreed that it made more sense for me to see the therapist one on one. It wasn’t that this issues arising were all my fault, more that he wanted to do trauma work with me that didn’t pertain as much to my partner. Moving forward during individual therapy, each session my therapist tells me I’m not too much for him. Last session he told me that he enjoys our sessions and looks forward to them. The therapist is relatively hard to read but sometimes breaks and I can see his true emotion. Maybe I’m just projecting and having some trauma related validation moment and interpreting it as him having a slight romantic interest? It doesn’t make me uncomfortable I’m just so confused. Oh my god I am spiraling

There were signs he was pulling away, our last..time he left, he said he just didnt care. He didnt know outright he was my FP, I stupidly told him I had a crush, looking back, realised he was my FP. Had a DX of 10 years, but he was my first ever FP. Its..hard. and weird. I think I'm doing okay, the first time he left, I fell apart completely. It was online only, hes put me in the ignore pile on fb messenger, we aren't fb friends, hes stopped viewing my snap stories (cant see his snap score so IDK if I'm blocked), but he hasn't unfollowed on Instagram. Yet. It's my last connection I have with him.

Is shortness of breath a symptom of anxiety? It’s amplified when I’m in a full stomach, I feel like I’m not getting enough air and feel the need to continuously yawn in order to get a deep breath idk if that makes sense. It’s kinda stressing it makes me wake up at night too :(

How do you change your thought's when you have already started to spiral into that black pit of doom?

Yeah so that’s pretty much it. My parents are getting on my nerves, specially my dad. My dad was loving until I turned 6 and that’s it. He has been constantly making snarky remarks throughout my life. I was severely bullied for YEARS and when I begged for their help they never did anything. They never tried to help me. They left me to fend for myself. One of my teachers told me to kms that nobody would ever miss me. Maybe I should’ve listened! My dad has a lot of trauma himself but that’s not up to me to solve. He shows 0 affection towards me or my mom but is all lovey dovey with his cats. Smh. He’s always picking fights, always making shitty comments and worst, he calls out people for stuff he’d do but can’t stand when others do it. He doesn’t respect me the slightest bit. He has never respected my opinion. I’m always walking on eggshells when I’m around him and it’s been like this for years. I’ve been trying to please my whole life and nothing seems enough. But what pisses me off is that I think I’m mirroring him. But he can’t stand it when I copy his actions. And when my mom tells me I can’t do what he does because “I’m a lady” 😂😂😂 it really pisses me off. I catch myself lashing out on people and saying mean things that I don’t actually mean. Asides from all the other BPD traits my anger is the worst, I feel like I could smash a wall with my bare hands at the slightest inconvenience. And my suicidal ideation… I can’t control my anger and I’m a POS for that. That’s it. I’m stuck with them. I can’t get out. Was i born like this or did they shape me into this… flawed person I am today?

Hi all, I am currently enrolled on a DBT course here in the U.K. and find it very beneficial having a weekly meeting with my peers currently enrolled. The thought sprung to mind that perhaps a lot more people could benefit from this, that being a weekly meeting or "catch-up". Would anyone here be up for a weekly meeting over Zoom, to keep us all sane during this period? Just food for though :)