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### Human: Yeah. My only sale all year and it's not even a sale.### Assistant: Whose turn is it to cry?### Human: |
### Human: Quitcher bellyaching about Marge and let me read the paper.### Assistant: Look at that picture!### Human: |
### Human: Yes, but then I learned that there's always hope. Someday this war will be over. Someday our Mom will be back.### Assistant: Someday TV will be invented, and it will be free. Then it will cost money.### Human: |
### Human: We brought you breakfast in bed!### Assistant: Now we just have to make it.### Human: |
### Human: ...EVERYWHERE YOU GO### Assistant: YOU'LL BE OH SO PLEASED / WHEN THE O.J. IS FRESHLY-SQUEEZED / AND TOAST IS MADE FROM HOMEMADE### Human: |
### Human: Great at the chewin', not so hot at the swallowing.### Assistant: Now remember, pack only necessities.### Human: |
### Human: Hey, get this off! Hey, get this off!### Assistant: Now nothing stands between us and sunny Hawa...### Human: |
### Human: Merry Humbug, everyone!### Assistant: Ai-yi-yi-yi!### Human: |
### Human: What's wrong, Homie?### Assistant: I got the week off by telling Mr. Burns I had a neck injury!### Human: |
### Human: Wait, what's this? Carpetbags and portmanteaus? Going somewhere, Simpson?### Assistant: Uh... uh...### Human: |
### Human: Simpson! Where's your Christmas tree?### Assistant: Coming!### Human: |
### Human: Just what's going on here?### Assistant: Fine, I'll come clean.### Human: |
### Human: It's a Christmas miraculum!### Assistant: No, it's not. I just told a lie so we could go to Hawaii.### Human: |
### Human: We did that one already!### Assistant: Sh!### Human: |
### Human: There is only one upside to today.### Assistant: C'mon, jus' one more drink, Marge.### Human: |
### Human: I know when the freakin' Fiesta Bowl is!### Assistant: Sweetie, relax. Let's just watch some TV.### Human: |
### Human: Well, well, well. Simpson, you've committed Springfield's first crime of the new year. Write him up, Lou.### Assistant: Huh? What'd I do?### Human: |
### Human: Failed to separate your bottles and newspapers.### Assistant: Fifty bucks?! That used to cover two public nudities and a poop in the park!### Human: |
### Human: That's vandalizing city property! Write him up again, Lou.### Assistant: What the hell?!### Human: |
### Human: Mild obscenity before ten a.m. Also illegal.### Assistant: C'mon, Lou. Gimme a break!### Human: |
### Human: Sorry, sir, I take no pleasure in it. Oh yeah.### Assistant: Since when is all this against the law?### Human: |
### Human: Since today. As of Jan one, a bunch of new ordinances -- with uh, outrageous financial penalties -- took effect.### Assistant: Oh, I get it. The government runs out of money, so they pass a bunch of lame-o laws to sock it to the little guy.### Human: |
### Human: Fine. You're "Tellin' it like it is." Also a crime now. And that one's gonna cost ya.### Assistant: That's almost a thousand dollars!### Human: |
### Human: Homer Simpson, you are under arrest for attempted bribery of a public official.### Assistant: Chief, this is just a big misunderstanding. I meant to write "bride." It's a wedding present.### Human: |
### Human: Oh, how thoughtful!### Assistant: My bribe!### Human: |
### Human: Cuff him, Lou.### Assistant: This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and it's ruined.### Human: |
### Human: Homer Simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the Federal Penitentiary!### Assistant: It's okay, it's okay. I can be out in eighteen months with good behavior.### Human: |
### Human: We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior.### Assistant: Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior!### Human: |
### Human: Ten years. That is a long time to be away from your family.### Assistant: All that time I'll be stuck in my cell, unable to exercise...### Human: |
### Human: Actually, most convicts work out like crazy.### Assistant: I repeat: unable to exercise...### Human: |
### Human: Simpson, we are currently conducting a twenty-year investigation into the activities of Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico.### Assistant: What? This guy?### Human: |
### Human: We're gonna plant you in Fat Tony's gang as an undercover informant.### Assistant: I can't go undercover with Fat Tony. He's met me. I've been in his house. I was briefly his Consiglieri... Consugly... Canolli... Robert Duvall.### Human: |
### Human: So we're gonna plant you in the prison with a disguise and a new name.### Assistant: Can I be Johnny Undercover?### Human: |
### Human: That's a little obvious.### Assistant: Okay, Melvin Mafia.### Human: |
### Human: No, you will be known as Nicky "Blue Pants" Altosaxophony.### Assistant: Can I keep the name after I'm done?### Human: |
### Human: Now pay attention. We're gonna move in on Fat Tony when he takes delivery on a shipment of Belgian guns. In your left sideburn is a fiber-optic camera. In your right, a wireless mic. To zoom in you go ayyyyy! To zoom out go ohhh!### Assistant: Ayyyy! Ohhhh! Ayyyy! Ohhhh!### Human: |
### Human: You do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons.### Assistant: Just get the ladle down there deep -- that's where the beaks are!### Human: |
### Human: Time to go to work. Stop licking my hand.### Assistant: There was barbecue sauce on it.### Human: |
### Human: Here's how it goes down: I rough up Louie. Then you stand up to me, earning his trust.### Assistant: But I haven't earned his trust if it's based on a lie.### Human: |
### Human: Enough of your dime store morality.### Assistant: What's a dime store?### Human: |
### Human: Hey Nicky Blue, you're one tough yegg. If you come out of your beatin' in one piece, you and I should have a face-to-face.### Assistant: Beating? What beating?### Human: |
### Human: Don't worry. We're not gonna touch you. We'll make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks.### Assistant: Can I have any of the steaks?### Human: |
### Human: Whoa! I'm impressed over here with that guy over there.### Assistant: Please! Let me have it! Come on! Give it to me right in the mouth!### Human: |
### Human: Now let us escort you to freedom.### Assistant: How're you gonna do that?### Human: |
### Human: I detect a distinct lack of oregano.### Assistant: I'll take care of this.### Human: |
### Human: You carry oregano with you?### Assistant: Oregano, basil, rosemary...### Human: |
### Human: My beloved Anna Maria. I hope Heaven's powder room is painted that eggshell blue you could never achieve on Earth.### Assistant: Sorry, boss.### Human: |
### Human: No apology necessary. I am touched. You and me, Nicky, we feel. Legs, Louie, Jimmy the Axe, Tommy the Face Shooter -- they never share my grief.### Assistant: Yeah. Those guys are probably FBI informants.### Human: |
### Human: You think an informant could get that close to me?### Assistant: Oh yeah. I got in your gang and you barely know who I am.### Human: |
### Human: Why you! I'm gonna chop you into pieces and make you into a Rubik's cube, which I will never solve!### Assistant: Well, I guess I could tell him he could improve his phone etiquette.### Human: |
### Human: What's the matter, Nicky? You got a problem with this job?### Assistant: Oh no! No! I... was uh... just thinking how cheap this crime would have been in the seventies when gas was thirty-five cents a gallon.### Human: |
### Human: Nicky, welcome to the family. From now on, you don't know where you end and we begin. Your problems are our problems.### Assistant: My neck is kind of itchy.### Human: |
### Human: To heterosexual male friendship, the kind the Greeks wrote about.### Assistant: Huh?### Human: |
### Human: All units, move in!### Assistant: Tony, you've gotta get outta here -- now!### Human: |
### Human: What? Why?### Assistant: Don't ask questions! Just go!### Human: |
### Human: Get a shot of Tony with the guns!### Assistant: Ayyyy!### Human: |
### Human: Closer...### Assistant: Ayyyy!### Human: |
### Human: Too close.### Assistant: Ohhhh!### Human: |
### Human: Closer.### Assistant: Ayyyy.### Human: |
### Human: Too close.### Assistant: Ohhhh.### Human: |
### Human: He's dead.### Assistant: No! You're wrong! Check again!### Human: |
### Human: Homer, I just want to say that of all the rat bastards we've had working for us, you were the snitchiest.### Assistant: So that's it! You used me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket?### Human: |
### Human: And I'm not gonna shake your hand.### Assistant: Poor Tony. He didn't deserve this. He was just a soldier in a war he started.### Human: |
### Human: Homie, I know you had a terrible experience, but it's over.### Assistant: It's not over, Marge. It'll never be over. When I shut my eyes, all I see is Fat Tony and me having drinks at that bar on the beach.### Human: |
### Human: You never took me to that bar on the beach.### Assistant: Oh. Well, uh... you wouldn't like it. It's not very good.### Human: |
### Human: Sounds pretty good.### Assistant: No, no, I oversold it.### Human: |
### Human: Wake up, Homer.### Assistant: Fat Tony?### Human: |
### Human: No -- I'm his cousin from San Diego, Fit Tony.### Assistant: Wow, I've never seen a mobster use a tracksuit for exercising.### Human: |
### Human: And there's no better exercise than killing and disemboweling a big, fat snitch.### Assistant: I understand. I loved him too.### Human: |
### Human: Your tears seem in no way crocodilian.### Assistant: Do what you gotta do. The quicker you kill me up here, the quicker he can kill me down there.### Human: |
### Human: Well. This is awkward.### Assistant: Wha-- oh, oh, uh, Mr. Burns? Uh, you were cool too.### Human: |
### Human: Oh, I so believe that.### Assistant: He took me to a fight that he fixed. But he never let on. Not even when I bet five hundred dollars on the wrong guy. Then he said he would dope a horse for me.### Human: |
### Human: Homer, it is time... to switch your elliptical machine to cool-down mode.### Assistant: Are you gonna kill me now? 'Cause I'm super ready.### Human: |
### Human: No. Because my cousin lives on in your memories. And to extinguish you, would be to whack what still remains of him.### Assistant: Wow, the killers have been kind to me... while the people who were supposed to protect me treated me like dirt! What kind of a world is this?### Human: |
### Human: It's pretty screwed-up. That's why I keep my friends close.### Assistant: And your enemies closer?### Human: |
### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me!### Assistant: Fit Tony took his cousin's place running the Springfield mob.### Human: |
### Human: Why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower?### Assistant: Can't start the day without that fresh-from-the-circus feeling.### Human: |
### Human: It's all yours.### Assistant: Okay let's see, number of dependents: three. Um, add to line thirteen...### Human: |
### Human: You know who was really happy to get back together: our husbands.### Assistant: Been a while since our wives got together, huh?### Human: |
### Human: Homer!### Assistant: Ooh, I got a text!### Human: |
### Human: I got a text!### Assistant: Are you gonna open it?### Human: |
### Human: No, that page isn't optimized for cell phone u... why am I talking to you?### Assistant: Because you're my best friend in the room.### Human: |
### Human: Oh, and Homie, can you come home early from work tomorrow so I can have a girls' night out?### Assistant: Sure, I'll stay home and Skype with the guys at Moe's.### Human: |
### Human: Hey, how ya doin', Hom--### Assistant: Stupid Flanders' wi-fi!### Human: |
### Human: Thanks for the ride!### Assistant: This is late for Marge. I assume. I've never been home at this hour.### Human: |
### Human: Shh!!!### Assistant: Hey, Marge. Partaking of the grape, were we?### Human: |
### Human: And Anita's family rented a beach house, and guess what? They went to the beach every day!### Assistant: Great. That's great. But I have to get to work in the morning.### Human: |
### Human: We're not naked.### Assistant: Right... neither am I.### Human: |
### Human: I could light these, but, it wouldn't be the same.### Assistant: Well, I've put it off, but today I'm finally getting this garage organized--### Human: |
### Human: Hey-diddily-hi, Homer.### Assistant: Oh, you beautiful man.### Human: |
### Human: That feeling is Mutual of Omaha.### Assistant: God you're hilarious.### Human: |
### Human: Hey look, the late shift's leaving.### Assistant: I don't like those guys.### Human: |
### Human: Yeah, they think they're better than us just because their performance reviews reflect that fact.### Assistant: Oh no. I left a candy bar in my desk.### Human: |
### Human: That's funny, 'cause I found this candy bar in my desk.### Assistant: Time to punch in.### Human: |
### Human: Yoink! Yah! Yah!### Assistant: A dinosaur!### Human: |
### Human: So, uh, what would you gentlemen like? I mean, I know what you'd like, and hey, why wouldn't you like it? Oh, ain't being comfortable with something weird the best? I'm gonna pour some beers now.### Assistant: Huh?### Human: |
### Human: Hey, what's that guy doing in the men's room?### Assistant: He's washing his hands.### Human: |
### Human: You know, this is the first time I've ever been at Moe's without that little voice in the back of my head saying "this is not a safe place to drink."### Assistant: Check out my tolerance, Marge. I'm going to use the men's room.### Human: |
### Human: I am not Comic Book Guy. I am his cousin, Comic Book Gay.### Assistant: But you do like comic books.### Human: |
### Human: We regret any confusion this may have caused.### Assistant: Lisa, mash the buttons till something good comes on.### Human: |
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