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b | Barb Sanders | I am a woman who is being terrorized by a man who takes a medicine and is invisible. He grabs the steering wheel of the car I'm driving and tries to crash us and so on. I flee. Now I am a man and the same invisible man is after me. It is a life and death situation. I suspect my psychiatrist. I go into his office to see if I can find evidence. He comes in and I hide in his closet. a roomy coat closet. He comes in and I hide behind coats. He says to me, "I can smell you. I know you're here." He tries to feel me but barely misses me. He leaves. Now I've driven up to my own cabin or house. I sing opera and a rock group wants me to sing with their band, blending the two forms of music. The invisible man comes. There are lots of people in the room and I fire my pistol into the invisible man many times. Everyone thinks I've gone crazy and I ask them to leave. The supposedly dead, invisible man lays under my pool table. I feel for a pulse; he is still alive and I shoot many more bullets into him. Finally he is dead. Then a second invisible man is after me. I fight him too. It is terrorizing a nightmare. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am F. Hayward and John Wayne and I are very attracted to each other. We want to be touching and physically close all the time. Meanwhile I have a difficult boss. I am about to be fired. I work hard and I feel bad. "This is the second job where I got fired unjustly," I say to the snooty secretary. I want to explain my side to the boss. Now somehow I've created or am creating a movie. The boss is now the director or producer. He comes in and I tell him in a firm tone that he will ruin everything if he continues to use that authoritarian voice and lectures at the crew all the time. He must learn to listen, listen, listen well. John Wayne is standing by me ready to defend me or protect me. Now I look out the window and I see men swimming toward the very ritzy mansion I live in. I see a sailing boat, only it seems to be metal, like "Old Ironsides" with red running lights. I am the isolated hostess throwing a party for the people who have rejected me. I hope they will come. But I'm not sure they understood my side of the story. I wait, hopefully. Now these men are coming to the party to help back me up. I am pleased. The night is dark and the waters are dark. John Wayne had gone out and convinced them of my innocence. Now I see two women in evening dress approaching my front steps. They are hesitant, unsure if they should trust me. I encourage them to come in. Now the people come and we have a wonderful, happy party with dancing and music. I am wearing a beautiful flowing evening dress, of a 1940's or 50's vintage. John Wayne and I dance in anticipation of being alone to make wonderful passionate love. I am exonerated. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am traveling. I have borrowed Aunt Rosalie's car, a Thunderbird, 1979. It is a big Cadillac-like car, very powerful. I have some trouble managing the steering because it is so very sensitive and responsive to the slightest touch. I keep moving suddenly toward the other lane. The trunk has a special device to load heavy luggage and I use it for my power wheelchair. I think happily that I could get me one of these and then have the fun of a sweet fast car and be able to take my wheelchair. I stop now and am in a room with a piano, a black, shiny grand piano. I am auditioning for a very important director. I sing a blues or jazz like Ella Fitzgerald or some excellent singer. A star, an excellent singer, is also singing. We do a duet for part of the song. I sing well and with power. Then the song is over and I go over where some friends, or maybe strangers, are. One of them asks me what happened in one section of the song where I seemed to have no energy, or I was depressed. They were very serious and asked me if it was because the other woman and I were talking and the other woman confided in me that she can't have children. Did that mess up our timing because we got so depressed? I say, "No not at all. Sure we talked and it was sad. But what messed up my timing was the fact that I was so scared and in awe of the caliber of talent at this convention or contest." Really fine musicians are here and I was afraid they'd laugh at me or wonder how I even got into the contest, I was so inferior. The other chuckled that I can't even see my own talent, because it is obvious to them that I am comparable to the others. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have a questionnaire and I need three women and three men to answer it for me. I am on a bus and the door is open. A swarming crowd of revelers are all around. I watch as a man with a blue face lies on the sidewalk and tells the woman he's with that he loves her. I chuckle because it is obvious they are strangers and the man is horny. I try to ask several men to fill out the questionnaire. They are too rushed and busy. One hesitates and I kindly assure him he can go on, I can find someone else. Now the bus accidentally got caught in the Rose Parade. The marchers are a bit annoyed at us and we try to drive out of the way and park in a parking lot. We see a man who is very angry at a policeman for reprimanding him and he is angrily smashing the policeman's car to bits. Now I am in a huge house, perhaps a mansion. I am worried about Charla. A woman has lured her away and has taken her into one of the rooms and is molesting her. I see an image of Charla with her vagina exposed. I race from room to room opening doors and looking. I hear Charla calling off in the distance. Maybe she's on the third floor. I keep looking, worried. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Metaphors are physical objects and can be found. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am interested in this man, but he is married and some woman says that Lucy sure is focused on the wife. In fact, she thinks the word "dead" frequently when she thinks of the wife. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a room. We are working with people who come in and tell their dreams. One man comes in and goes on and on about aliens and spaceships and so on, talking like he dreamed it. But I quickly catch on that he is mentally ill and just talking about his insane point of view of the world. Other people finally catch on and leave, disgusted or annoyed. I don't leave for awhile, hanging out to get the attention of this man. Lucy is around. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | There are a lot of men who seem to be demandingly attracted to me. They are pushy and I am upset. I must defend myself and attempt to get them shoved out the doors and get the doors locked. They are poking at me and I am hitting back. There is a narrow hall somewhere. The locks don't work very well. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Some man is talking about politics and then he is R. from the Blues Power show on a radio station. I look at him surprised because I remembered him looking much different in real life. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am busy doing things and then Archie comes up to me. I think we are outdoors walking down a sidewalk. He hugs me enthusiastically and twirls me around so strongly my feet leave the ground and I am flying perpendicular to the ground. He reminds me that the dance performances are tonight (Tuesday) and hopes to see me there. I had forgotten and there was something else I planned to do that night. So I readjust and fit it into my plans. I go to the building and wander around the halls until I find the right room. I notice I am now wearing my old bikini style swimsuit. My legs and stomach are thin and nice-looking but my breasts are quite huge and the top of the swimsuit is partly undone and the breasts keep sort of falling out under the halter top. I keep trying to fix it so I'm not so exposed. I go in and people are preparing their individual spaces and props for their performance. I look around to find the right spot to put mine. I choose one place and then decide it's too much in the way of traffic and move it to another area. I lay out a couple of bunches of bananas in an artful way and hope no one comes along and takes a banana to eat; it will ruin the composition I made. Now I leave to go back and do what I had already planned, intending to return in time to do the performance. Now I can't find the van. I can't remember where I parked it. I am outside in the parking lot. I see what might be my van, but it turns out to be a station wagon with some hippie man on the top with all his wares spread out. I am relieved it isn't my van. I thought he was on my van. I see another vehicle, but it turns out not to be my van. I now am worried and annoyed with myself for not paying more attention to where I parked it. I go down a city street. No van. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am moving to an old house with odd rooms that spread out all over. Dwight/Howard is going to help me. Lucy and two babies are there. I am holding one and she is holding the other. We are trying to get them to nap as I walk around trying to think and organize how to manage this huge task. Finally, I get the baby to sleep. I open a door and it is a small bathroom. Really, only a bathtub is in it. I look at the kitchen, which has two or three wooden oak tables (dining room type) hanging way up on the wall for counter space. That will be awkward. Dwight/Howard comes in and I am frustrated trying to get his attention. He finally listens to my ideas but sighs and says, "It won't work. We made a mistake buying this rambling house and a mistake moving to M City. We belong back in the valley, so let's not take such care where things go and only unpack the essentials until we can move again." He then suggests we be friends again. I say, "No way." Now I kind of give up and sit on the couch with an older woman. I make a snide remark about how she can't work either because she's so old, and I can't work, cause I'm so old too. It's a sort of frustrated joke. Nothing seems to be going right. No one is helping. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Some man and I have a huge brick house like an old mansion. I am making a landscape plan and trying to decide where to put the new trees and where to put the flower garden. I see a huge old tree that springs out of the same seed as three other trees that are smaller. I decide to put a new tree in the corner by the brick wall of the mansion. But a terrible storm is brewing. All the neighbors are leaving the neighborhood because the big beautiful trees are going to fall down and it is dangerous. We decide to stay and weather it out in our strong house. We go in and now others are with us. We go up to the top floor. One woman goes out on a balcony and nearly falls over the edge. I warn everybody to be careful because the marble and the stones are slippery. Meanwhile I am aware that there are spirits and ghosts there. One may have pushed the woman who nearly went over the edge. Ellie says her mother and father-in-law were there, in spirit form because they were dead. I feel scared. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have hired two men to work as my personal assistants while I am in class. One is Paul (from acting class) and one is a Chicano man. I come in late and fuss with my stuff and don't pay much attention to the teacher. Then Paul comes over. He is angry at me. He says I don't want to work with you any more. You're not really interested in the classes, you only want the attention. I am offended and uppity. I say, "I don't care if he quits, I hardly use him anyway. I do things myself." He walks away, but hangs around watching me in disapproval. Meanwhile I ask the Chicano man to do something and I realize I haven't bothered to pay him for weeks. I try to figure out how much I owe him. I hadn't really used his services for a long time but I did keep him on the payroll. So I write a check for $45, after deliberating if I should given him the third week, since I couldn't remember how long it was since I paid him. I decide to do the right thing and guess on the generous side. He is happy and Paul is impressed that I still have some humane values left. I try to enter the class like a regular student, not being late and making a fuss. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a crowd of people. We are teens or young adults at a movie. Some man says to me as we are leaving, "You didn't behave well this time. You left early and attracted attention." Later me and my friends come back to ride in hot air balloons. It's a contest of some kind. I am in mine and I hold a goose close to my chubby belly. It lays an egg. We go up and float around. It's fun. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at Ginny's house, only I've never seen this house. It's big and nice, but configured all wrong for her real house. Ginny is throwing some special dinner party because I'd had some kind of experience with some people and she wanted to celebrate it. It's her way of being involved, only everything went wrong. She set up computer monitors at each table and each table had a "field" sign which indicated which people would sit at that table. I sit at one table which is more like a TV tray and start to eat, but she says I'm at the wrong table. I'm kind of glad because I don't like the people at that table. I look around for some people I would like to be around. She hands me a postcard from a mutual friend and I read it, sitting on the couch next to her. All the other guests are milling around, unsure of when things start and what to do. Ginny is confused and keeps saying it's ready and then it doesn't happen. The people at the party are odd. There's a young boy who annoyed me and his father who defends him; a young princess-like woman who is totally selfish and her mother that defends her; a deaf woman and Jackie McC and her husband. I am now in a small adjoining room with the mother and daughter. The daughter is very upset because her lovely evening gown has a big hole in it. I had watched the deaf woman using water to wash that spot and it shrunk up the material. The mother is irate. I tell them to their faces I don't like them and their attitudes. They are very upset with me. Then I see Jackie falling and hurting her head and laying down on a couch and her husband all concerned. I say to the mother, "That Jackie, always an actress." I then barge in to do a funny bit. I pretend to be a helpful, concerned person and end up making her very miserable. I stand over her and insist she drink this milk concoction which I force down her throat. She does, but she spills it back up. I see it coming and do a "funny" routine about, "Are you going to.. no, you wouldn't. You wouldn't dare...Oh, you did." I feel a bit uncertain, because I begin to realize she really is hurt and wasn't acting and I've just made it worse. Just like Ginny made a bad situation worse with her intense attempt to be included. Ernie is there and I look out a back window and see the garage floor down maybe a full story. I say, "Wow, that's a long drop" and feel vertigo. I back away from the edge. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am watching as a bus comes around the corner of the house I'm in. A friend and neighbor, a man is driving the bus for kicks and the dark-haired woman driver is standing near the door laughing. It's all a good time joke. I laugh. Now I walk down the sidewalk to the woman's house. I buy a lace beige dress for $17. I am now eating oatmeal and drop a hot blob of it on my lap. It melts a big hole in the lace pattern. I am very surprised. I say to the woman, who is now playfully in the lap of the man, who I like, "I guess I'll have to ask for my money back." I don't want us to quarrel about this since my man friend seems to like her so much. I also feel a bit sad or jealous it is her and not me. She says quietly, "No, I don't give refunds." I am a bit annoyed, but still want us to be on friendly terms. I say, "Are you saying this happens to all the dresses like this? Because if it only happened to mine, then I have a defective dress and should be refunded. If it is all the dresses, then you sell defective merchandise and I should be refunded. Maybe I'll go find a lawyer and talk to him about my rights." She agrees to refund me. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Some airplane wreck happened and one man is injured and another big plump man and I are in a room with the injured man. Richard, the big man, is the investigator and I am helping. The airline representative keeps coming in to Richard and saying, "The airline says they will give you _____" and Richard laughs and says, "Not good enough." While we wait for her to return, Richard and I playfully tease each other and talk. I tell him how my hair is all ruined now because I accidentally cut the bangs funny. Now I can't sing the blues right. He creates a poster that basically says that I am psychologically injured over my appearance being ruined. I think that's a bit much, but I seriously tell him how people think this is just a small thing, but it is really affecting my life in a big way. Richard is empathetic. We are annoyed that the airlines has put us in the very back room, behind the gymnasium, and there's even open doorways that lead out to other rooms where they are rented out for weddings. I see some bridesmaids lined up in the hall. So Richard and I go out for a walk and get outside. We lie down on the sidewalk near the grass. We're sort of in a wagon. I am holding a newborn baby. She is really cute and I enjoy her. But Richard is starting to want to get close and amorous. He puts her down by my feet in a small corner. I look to make sure she can still breathe there. She is fine. Then a man comes over, obviously an old friend of Richard's. He hugs Richard and kisses him and Richard laughs and says, "Hey, don't. She'll get the wrong idea." The man is pretending to be amorphous to tease Richard. I look at his hair. It's a bit messy, graying and balding, but he sure could sing the blues. I am impressed and he walks away singing the blues. Now I have the sweet baby girl in my arms and I am driving my wheelchair around the lawn, avoiding running over people laying on the grass and enjoying the ride with the baby. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a small town with Patricia and Charla. There is going to be a parade and a turkey roundup. We are walking down the street trying to find the best place to see the turkey roundup. We pass many people lined up on the streets to watch the parade. Finally we realize we've gone too far. I do see a place behind us that has music and big klieg lights. I figure that must be the place. We walk back to that place and see several circles of people dancing in bright and colorful costumes, but no turkeys. Now we go up some stairs into a building and find children in a circle to do the kid turkey roundup. We see the kids trying to catch baby turkeys. Charla goes into the circle. I see a turkey chick (which looks pretty much like an eagle or owl) on the back shoulder of a boy. Now Charla has her turkey and we decide to head back home, only now we are flying in a plastic laundry basket. We are looking at this new city called Yamhill which is all manmade. Patricia is saying that it is a shame that underneath all this beauty and modern convenience are debris and decay. Hidden beneath the pretty buildings and the manmade lakes are piles of rubbish. I nearly fall out of the basket several times as we fly over the city. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at some religious healing revival meeting. Bonnie and Mateo are with me and some other woman. Behind me is an older woman and her husband. She is trying to talk to me and then starts repeating her words, like she's caught in a do-loop where she starts a sentence and can't finish it so she goes back and tries again. The husband cautions us not to interrupt her because that makes it worse. I have seated myself so I am near the aisle so I can wheelchair out if I need to. But as more people arrive, that aisle is filled up. I am given a huge syringe with a long needle. I watch another woman as she stabs herself with it and injects the healing fluid (which looks like water). I try it and make a stab at my leg. It goes through the muscle and out the other side (through the skin, really). The fluid leaks out I try and save it. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am piloting a plane, a fighter jet. I am flying low over the most beautiful terrain -- blue waters, deep canyons, mountains. I struggle to keep the nose up so I don't hit rough rocks and mountain jags. The terrain becomes rough and barren. I decide I prefer the more beautiful stuff and it shifts. Now I notice I am nearly out of gas. Apparently I was so enthralled with the flying and the beauty I neglected to notice the status of my fuel. I am embarrassed and concerned. I radio in a help call. An airport nearby answers. Then I run out of gas and have to try and hang glide in without power. It is a difficult struggle, but I manage it well. I land relatively safe, with the nose of the plane up against the back wall. There are some dents, but it is all in all intact. I am proud of my flying and others come over, also impressed. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am going down a street and see Archie, who is very sad. He is growing older and has a disability, a limp or something. He can't do his dance as he has before. I point out I know what that's like. I try and be sympathetic with him. I am interrupted by a woman who works for Lori and Dan T. She asks me to come to the office. I tell Archie to wait and I go into an office room. Lori is there, rather upset with me, and hands me a paper. I feel trapped and don't want to deal with this face to face, but now that I am here, let's get it over with. The paper is a bill for a phone call made by a Mr. Nelson for $48. She wants me to pay it. I hesitate and then get clear. "No," I say, "I will not pay this bill. It is not my bill. And furthermore I am very unhappy that you billed me for the carpet. I will not pay for that. In fact, I am expecting you to reimburse me my prorated rent and my security deposit." She becomes very upset and dramatically says to her woman assistant she cannot listen to any more of this. Her face is contorted in over-dramatic nerves. I am aware of Archie waiting for me across the street. I feel compelled to try and get to him, before he gets upset and leaves. I am caught in the middle again. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am with some people. The men are selfish and rude. They get ahead of me and create a wooden sidewalk to where they want to go and it blocks my access. I ask them, "What about me?" They pay no attention. Now they are pushy and hurtful. I go into a house and find a man on a bed with blood all over him. He is very badly injured. I ask him if he needs me to call 911. He can't speak because of the pain, but nods his head yes. I try to find a phone. Finally, I have had enough. Those harassing men are after me. I had been trying to be accommodating, but now I just want them away from me. I'm tired of them hurting me. I yell at them, "Get into the boat! Get into the boat!" I shove them off and then see they have taken my purse. I demand they return it, saying, "I suppose you've taken all my money and credit cards." They arrogantly toss the purse at me. I am angry. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I and some other women are in a room. I see water pouring into the room. I get very concerned. The room will fill up soon and we will drown. We look for an escape route. I see a window. We end up in another room, only the water is following us. I look out another window and see a huge drop off. It's a well or tower area, but I look way up and see daylight. There's an open area up there. It's our only chance -- to go with the flow of water out the window and dog paddle in it until it rises up high enough to reach that light. It's like walking into death and riding it up to life. We do so and successfully make it, only to find that area of the castle is filled with men who intend to rape us. What irony! [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Nate returns. He is drunk. I am glad to see him. We begin to make love. Nate is angry and verbally abusive. I try to ignore that and stay with the sexual feelings. It's taking a long time to get to orgasm. An old woman walks in and chides Nate for his slowness. Nate stops. I am sexually frustrated. The old woman and I go to the "Hollywood" elevator to go upstairs. It is a raised seat, like a throne with a canopy over it. She and I sit on either side of the chair rather than decide who gets to sit on the throne. Somehow the sexual feelings are still there and maybe the old woman and I are going to finish it when we get upstairs. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am working at someplace where I work with the troubled cases. We have been given orders to move to another location. I feel tired. I am now looking for the new place. I see that it's a huge dorm or fraternity type house. I go past the eating booths. I find a sort of kitchen and then see a sign that says, "student rooms." I go in there and find long tables. I see Darryl sitting at the end of the one right by the door. I am very surprised and pleased to see him. I say, "Hi." He is happy to see me. I squat down and look up at him while he lays on his belly on the table and talks. He tells me some stuff about how he is working here now too. His face is very pimply. It is not so attractive. He looks as young as in high school, a teen. I answer his question and say, "I work with the troubled cases." He is a cook or cook's helper. It is time for him to go get the next rolling cart of food. He goes into an elevator and goes down. I wait. He comes back up. I peak in and see bologna slices on the cart. He doesn't want me to touch them. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am watching a man working hard, over and over trying to figure out what his dream symbols mean. I begin to have feelings of empathy and affection. In fact, I look him over and decide I wouldn't mind making love to him. I then tell him that I know what his dream symbols mean, because I dream the same ones. I tell him I am in lots of pain all the time, so the dreams where many people are hurting me and biting me is me hurting myself. I seem to be getting closer to him physically as I talk and I also become very sleepy, or I am pretending to be sleepy. It's like I'm drunk and it's kind of cute. He smiles at me and now my head is laying on his chest and we are cuddling. He says, "I love you." I say, "I know. And I love you." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am driving a car right behind a car that is making the road. It is the command car of the road construction crew. We are driving slow. It is hard to be patient. Finally after a long time it is made enough that we can go on. I am napping, I am tired. Now I wake up and Lydia, Caroline, and Delia are here. I now see the top of my head as if I am looking down on someone else's head. It is bald across the top part and there are big red welts, like my arthritis bumps on my elbows. I feel sick about it. I almost sense relief that I can wear wigs now and have pretty hair-dos. But I also feel bad I have to wear wigs. It's so false and uncomfortable. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a room and Archie comes in. He is wrinkled and wears half glasses perched on the end of his nose. He looks in his forties. He is annoyed with me. I think I took a class from him and he's not going to give me a passing grade. I sit over by a very huge fish tank, several hundreds of gallons big. I see some angel fish and others. Some of the fish I must have gotten from when I was married to Howard; others are newer. The water is very cloudy and murky. It hasn't been cleaned in a long time. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a room with lots of people, a classroom. A short funny guy, like on that TV Burt Reynolds's show, is the instructor. He is running around, full of high energy and talking non-stop. I am in the row chosen to do some role playing, some acting. I am given the role of being unmarried and having an important project to do (like write a book or play) and therefore I don't want to get married. I have more important things to do. He prompts me that it is my turn. I go up to the teacher's desk where another man is. We ad-lib. He says, "So are you getting married?" and I answer in my cute, feisty way, "Married!! Don't be silly. I've got these important projects to do." They love what a good actress I am. I go sit down. Now it is the next day and I pick up the newspaper. I see a huge picture of people seated, maybe in a stadium or an auditorium. I see a woman that looks a bit like me. I read the story and caption under the picture. It is about me and what a great job I did acting. I bask in the glory and tell my daughter, "Well, here's another newspaper story about me that my friends and acquaintances will see." I feel proud. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | There's the same little man as the previous dream. It's the next day. A friend of mine, like Marti S, is very upset with him. He had made some public remarks that indicate she isn't authentic or wasn't accurate. We go to his class again. I sit back in the room, wondering if he will see me and remember me. The room is very crowded. He comes in, prancing with energy. Marti raises her hand and he calls on her and she goes on and on, not making much sense, challenging him. He takes the challenge well, and appoints a row of students to help him test her and judge how she did. She says some words and he will check them out. Then he sees me and comes over by me. I see a picture of his two adorable children and his wife. He says, or I realize, that he is a wheelchair man. He loves women who are in wheelchairs. I am attracted to him, but don't want to disturb his family. He is attracted to me too. Now he is showing a film as educational evidence. I move to sit on a big double bed with a blue chenille bedspread. I walk over there, noticing I am walking pretty good. I sit. Later I feel the bed bouncing as he wiggles his way over next to me on the right side. He lays on his back, half slid off the bed, looking up at me. I see children in the movie. I wonder if they are his. I hear his voice doing the narration. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in India. I am overwhelmed with all the sick people and I am trying to help heal them. A man asks me to his office to talk. He is attracted to me. He takes my hand. His hand is brown. He holds a red flower in his hand and he puts our hands together with the flower between us so that as we shake hands, the flower is crushed so that it's sweet perfume is on both of us. It is some courting ritual. I believe the man is an Indian doctor. I am distracted, with so much to do. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am trying to send a huge text file on the Internet to Russia. They are going to help me. But I begin to wonder if this is too big a text to be sent and if the Russians can be trusted to work with it and return it. Now, I am watching a group of women, young, who are hanging out having some kind of ritual party to get rid of the "losers" they had dated. There is some kind of container with a sign on it about the "losers." You can ritualistically put your "loser's" name in the pot. One woman is more aloof from the others. I see her leg as she steps out from the side to watch. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have fallen out of the sky, perhaps an airplane, and am lost up in the mountains in the deep snow. I feel like giving up. It's too much to imagine I can make it back down the mountain. Then I realize I must try. I crawl and struggle. Someone else is in a house trying to watch TV. She has a movie on one channel and another movie comes on. It is confusing. By the time I come down off the mountain, I have an injured leg. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am sitting on the ground. Abner, my cousin, comes over to me and sits beside me. He gently puts his arm around me. We have had to not be romantic all our lives because we are cousins. But now we are older and can't have children, so it's OK for us to be romantic and have a loving relationship. I feel strange, like this isn't right, and yet I am drawn to the soft, quiet, loving sense of it. Now Willie drives up and sees us. He is jealous. Now the three of us are in his car driving somewhere. They both love me. I sit between them. I love Abner best. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am looking through an old box of things and come across a newspaper clipping. I also see a paper I wrote on. The beginning word of each sentence created its own sentence, when you put them together. I chuckle to see my old childish way of coding words. I read the words. It says, "I am a playwright." I look at the newspaper clipping: a head and shoulders shot of me, like when I was the manager of the Fair Store in M City. The paragraph under it said I had received some awards for my writing. Some man, who is annoyed and jealous, says that I always get mentioned before and after banquet events. How come? I feel a little embarrassed. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am going to see some kind of event, maybe a fair or a sporting event. Jake may be with me. I walk down many, many stairs, looking for the place. It doesn't seem to be that many people around. I go into a room and a fun ride is there. I want to go on it, so I sit down on the dresser. There should be a basket like thing to sit in, but it's not there. A woman goes and gets a wire basket, white, and places it so I can put my feet in it and have better support that way. The ride begins and it is actually fun as the dresser swirls and twirls around the room. It is more exciting than I usually experience with this kind of ride. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am lying down in a car somewhere and three different people and a couple are trying to have sex with me. It is very unpleasant. There are no sexual feelings, just a sense of disgust and being used and forced. They get up and leave and one man is still there, and I say to him, "I hope that doesn't happen again." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a room and my stepfather and my "mother" and some other people are there. I am experiencing some pain on the inside of my mouth on the right cheek, like I bit it and it is sore. The stepfather is distant and not helpful as I point out my pain. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Jerome comes into the room. He is having an affair with a woman, or maybe with me. I see his wife and feel wary. Jerome and I talk, exchanging some key or a lock on the sly. His wife has no idea. I think Jerome is very cute and good-looking. I am somewhat attracted to him and he to me. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I see a data form. The name B. is typed out. There are other columns laid out, but when I push, or perhaps some other woman pushes the computer buttons, the columns shift around into different configurations and sizes. I am organizing something. I do it in chunks or blocks. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a huge Victorian house with other people. There are lots of kids. I am going down the halls and seeing groups of kids spilling out of the rooms and into the hallways. Now water is rushing in and I must run as fast as I can upstairs to the roof. I make it to the small windowed room at the very top. Now that room is like a space craft, NASA to be exact, hexagonal in shape, or the cone tip on the rocket. We must escape. I and some others are put into a suspended state, sort of like the beam-up thing in Star Trek. It disengages all our molecules, stores them and when we arrive at the new planet, which will support human life, we are reassembled. We travel hundreds of years and then I am reactivated. I guess earth was being destroyed and the smartest and best leaders, especially with good facilitating skills, were chosen to start the new home. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am going to have to travel since I now am in some military or spy organization. I look into the mirror at my hair. It is coal black and then I notice that only a small part of the front is black, the rest is my usual brown-gray color. A man offers to help me make my hair look better. I am alone and isolated and agree to let him help me. I shampoo my hair, standing up at the mirror. Then he shapes and cuts my hair. Now I am moving into my new quarters. I look out the window and see snow falling, a light dusting on the ground and the grass ends at the beginning of a giant wall of the other cement building. It's a big complex. I then look into the room and survey the sparse furniture, the lack of any decorations, etc., a single bed. I feel lonely. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a car, driving. I look ahead and see the road is slathered with oil. I guess they are repaving the road. I hesitate, thinking I won't go because I'll ruin the car and besides, maybe the road doesn't go through and I'll get stuck. Then I see another car coming through from the other way and know I can get through. I see the oil is splattered in a thick layer on the front of the car from them going too fast and splashing it all over themselves. I decide to try it, but slower. I don't feel good about the decision, but decide to do it anyway. I start driving. It is slick. Now I am in the back seat of a limo with gangsters. I have been captured by the son of a gangster. They are going to kill me because my father, also a gangster, killed the son's father's brother. Now they seek revenge. He is pursuing me, but he is also attracted to me, and somewhere deep in me I am attracted to him, but I am running from him for my life. I also profess hatred of him. I am aloof and distant. Now I am told to sit in the front seat. I do so; there are maybe six gangster guys in the two back seats. I fall asleep. Now the car stops and he opens the passenger side door to wake me up, but he watches my sleeping face, falling in love with me. He leans down and slowly and sweetly kisses me. I respond to him lovingly and then wake up to realize what I've done and go back to my frozen, distant posture. But now he knows I love him too. We have arrived at a small shabby cabin by the beach. It is empty of any furnishings. I am standing in the living room, near a window that looks out to the beach front. The father is in the back bedroom. The son goes in there, walks into a closet and changes his clothes. The father says, "We are going to kill you, because your father killed my brother." I am watching the son in the closet and I say, "Maybe you should force me to be his maid (was thinking wife). I would hate that above all else." The father likes this idea. He pushes it up one more level and says, "You will be my son's wife," thinking that would be hell for me and a suitable revenge. Now the father is gone and I see the son approaching me. I back up, trying to stay away from his radiant charm because it is so hard to resist. I am backed literally into a corner of the room and I turn my back to him, my face into the corner. He walks sensually up to me, puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me back around to face him and slowly, like in the movies, kisses me. I try to resist but my true feelings leaks out into that kiss. He smiles down at me and whispers, "That's all I wanted to know." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am trying to convince this man, who is aloof and does not respect me, that I am not a sexual slut as he seems to be convinced I am. I am looking at a scrapbook with each of my previous boyfriends in it, in chronological order. Each one has a fond memory but the overall feeling of each one is that he was a mistake. There was something wrong with each one, bad choices. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Ernie is seated at my computer and working on something to help me get things straightened out. I am at the back of the computer looking at the connections. Something needs to be plugged in again and he says he will do it for me and I say, "No, I need to learn to do it." I plug a yellow round wire end into a tiny yellow hole, and the same with a black one and then I hesitate with the pink one and Ernie says, "Yes, that's right, you've got it." I grin and say, "I only watched it being done before. It's hard to remember how to do things unless you do them yourself." He agrees. I then find my wheelchair, which is sort of folded up like a manual. I struggle to unfold it myself. The backpack, or recharger, is stuck and Ernie reaches over and unhooks it so I can continue. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am staying over night at Ernie and Ginny's, although the house I've never seen before (in real life). I had been trying to sleep, but can't. I had been watching a TV program about a nine hundred and something pound man in a manual wheelchair. He used to be a football player. Now I get up and go downstairs. I am in my nightie, so I hope the front room curtains are pulled. Then it looks like they aren't; I rush up to close them. And I see it was an optical illusion, they really were closed. Now I turn on the TV again to continue watching the show about the fat, disabled man. He moves with grace, the blubber on him sort of bouncing and flowing around him. Someone thinks or the narrator says that it is kind of fascinating to watch. You gain some measure of respect or empathy when you get to know him. Now Ernie comes in from outside, he and Ricardo. He is surprised to see me up at 4:00 in the morning. I tell him I couldn't sleep so I got up for awhile. He asks how I'm doing on the dictionary. I say I'm still writing. He asks me why. I say because it's a way of talking out-loud to myself to hear what I'm thinking. Then I realize he said dictionary. I say, "Oh, I thought you meant journal." I then say, "The reason I'm still working on the dictionary is that I am a poor speller. It's just a disability I have. I have to check each word's spelling, the endings and if it's in the right nook." Ernie is a bit disdainful; that it takes me so long. He mentions he had a couple of accidents and hurt himself. He then had a quick vision. He said three things, one of which was an eagle and a feather. I am impressed with this powerful vision. I know he will look down on me for this, but I say, "It is similar to a dream, isn't it?" Ernie shrugs his shoulders and says nonchalantly, "Of course, you'd try and find meaning in it. It's just that in my family people die of this and it got me to thinking." I say, sympathetically, "Ah, well, in my family they die of stomach cancer. We each have our thing to die with." Ernie then wants to know if I can sleep single, meaning can I join a person on the couch hide-a-bed. He is concerned for me and wants me to get my sleep. I say, "No thanks. I'll stay up awhile and then go back to my bed upstairs." He asks again, a different way. I decline. He shrugs and says good night. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am walking around a sort of track and field shaped area. It's a store. I need to go pee and find a bathroom. I sit and pee and pee, but can't get relief. I hear the loud sound of peeing and feel the pee going down my leg. I get up, a bit uncomfortable about all that urine all over my dress and in my moccasins. I walk on. I see a deli counter, sort of a Safeway Bakery. I find a bag of rolls or muffins and decide to get one. I read the ingredients to make sure there is no sugar in them. I continue strolling. As I walk, I nearly step on the end row boat of a string of boats. It is a rowing team. Justin, Lucy's husband, is learning to row and is lying down on his back in the last boat (like it's a train of them). I smile and apologize for nearly stepping on him. I think I embarrassed him and feel bad about that. I choose a sweater to buy. I put it on and notice it is quite huge, longer than my dress. I see Delores M and she has a sweater like it. It is pink knit, half sleeves. I notice I can see my dress underneath the sweater. Delores is telling me how she fought with the telephone company over a one thousand dollar bill and they agreed to remove 300 dollars of it. She was quite proud of that. I congratulate her. I say to Delores, "It looks like I'd better always wear a dress under this thing. After all, my boyfriend is disabled, but he's not blind." A group of young women burst out laughing at my amusing joke. I grin and stroll on. I still have to pee, so as I am walking, I pee down my leg. I am a bit embarrassed about the urine smell and being in public. I sit at a cafe table and three men join me; I continue peeing, hoping they don't notice. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at some college function. The entertainment, two black men who are blind, comes. I happen to be sitting right where they sit down. I am pleased and say things like, "My friend Lucy is blind." The black man, with thick lips and dreadlocks, looks toward me scornfully and says, "Who asked you?" Then he starts picking on me. He asks me how come my lips look so funny, all pursed out when I say words. I start to explain it's a combination of entertainment and it's also sort of the way my lips just move. Then I say to him, "Well, you should talk. Look at your lips, all thick." We do this back and forth for a while. Now I am running on a track. There is a cluster of uniformed track women running ahead. I, the dreamer, watch them pass and I look way beyond them down the track and see me dead last. I have a limp and I am slow, but I am up and I am running. I feel good about that. Now I go to my dorm room, only I accidentally go to the 7th floor and have to walk back down some stairs. I find the name Vfabray and know that's my roommate's name. I go in and see belated Xmas presents for Charla have arrived. I open them, and notice my roommate has already opened some and put the tiger lily flowers up in a hanging plant thing. It looks pretty, but I wish she'd waited for Charla. I look out the window and see some things like kites flying around, not making it very high and crashing to the ground. They are not damaged. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A word would float by and I'd contemplate it, trying to figure out what category it would fit in. I remember the word "set." I couldn't seem to figure it out. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am sitting on a couch. A friend, Keith, also a friend of Derek's (not in real life), comes in and behind him is walking, with some effort, Derek. I am surprised. He comes in and talks a bit. I respond back in a friendly manner. He is still uptight about our breakup and non-connection of the last few months. Keith comes over and sits beside me on the couch. Derek walks over and puts his face between our faces. I kiss him on the cheek. He is still distant, but then he keeps talking and I keep talking and then he kisses me on the lips in a genuine sweet kiss. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have two or three female roommates. We are going to a wedding or a party. One woman is interested in another woman. I look at her face. It is a fishy monster face like those odd fish creatures on Star Trek movie, with bulbous eyes on the side of their heads. The other woman laughs in her face and says, "No thanks, I have this man in mind." We are at the party, in a room. The women search out their men and they are accepted, all but me. I watch the people; I walk around. Now a group of them are forming a circle. It is the group of people with disabilities, although they look normal enough. A tall man is talking. I like him. He is across the circle from me. As the circle moves and more people join, he and I are side by side. Everyone joins hands. His hand is warm, very warm. He glances down at me and smiles because he just felt how warm my hand was too. I like it. The feeling is we will get together later. Now I have a baby in front of me, the circle is gone and I am going to dress him in the garment I knitted for him, only as I try to put it on him, I see it has three legs. And the middle leg is off the needles and is unraveling. I try to save the stitches. I hole up a dress for him to approve, but it is a boy baby. He's not interested in a dress. This isn't working out. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am attempting to write or do a major work on a screen, a TV screen. Maybe I'm writing a script. It's a big one, and important. Now two other screens are on, TV screens, and they are interfering with my work. The script is disintegrating into greeking letters, nonsense symbols. I try to save the script or program before it all disappears into nonreadable form. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | There is a rowboat and a rat on the rowboat. I feel concern that I want to help the person on the rowboat by getting rid of the rats. Now I see a man putting the live rat in his mouth head first and realize his way of helping is to eat the rats. Ugh. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am traveling down into the earth somehow. There are dangerous paths I must tread. Then one section would end at a white wall. I'd look for the beginning of the next segment. I look up at the ceiling and see a pull string. I pull it down and a small hatch hole appears with a pull down ladder which looks and sounds like a wooden toy with slats of wood on a string that cascade down into a different configuration. These slats then create a ladder. I walk up, pulling myself up the ladder. Now I am in a dangerous part where there are poisonous jungle snakes. I pull out a large knife. I see black shiny snakes coming out from under cups and dishes and statues on a shelf. I have to climb up on that shelf to go to the next level. A center statue is in the way and I decide I don't want that one anyway and choose another and then another. Someone says or I think, "Do they need an Elvis statue to get on with it?" Six snakes come out and I chop off their heads simultaneously. They are very beautiful with vibrant colors, turquoise and so on. Now I get to the next section. Each section is different. This one has people who are very aggressive and belligerent. I must out-bluster them to survive. I do so, easily. I have arrived. Now it is time to go back. I hold a sleeping bag-like thing and am zipping up the end, while it is still rolled up, making a spiral path for the zipper. Somehow this means I've discovered a faster, safer way through without taking those dangerous paths. But now a very noisy, aggressive boy whirls toward me. He wants my attention. He wants to go with me. A woman chuckles and said she found him at the site (setting) called Cathedral and his name is Daniel O'Flannery. We laugh at the irony of an obvious Irish Catholic boy being from a setting called the Cathedral. The boy has red hair and freckles and is cute and wholesome-looking. I tell him to leave me alone. His demanding, attention-getting behavior won't work with me. I then decide to go back through the paths. He follows me. I at first am concerned he'll be harmed, but then he asked for it. I warned him. So I decide this will be a lesson for him and go on, being aggressive and belligerent to the dangerous people on this path, in order to safely get through. I realize from his distant yelling he's scared and will get hurt. I call down the spiral to him, "Just be your fierce, aggressive self on this section. It will work for you." He does it and catches up to me. I turn to him and say, "This next section is the opposite. You have to be clever and quiet." He tries to do so. And we successfully return through all the different sections. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am involved in a family presentation of a play, perhaps one of mine. I can't find my script. The presentation time is in two hours and I search over and over, all around. Paulina asks me what I'm doing. I say, "Looking for my scripts." I can't remember my lines. I feel apprehensive. No one is very helpful. I ask where we are going to perform. I need to experience the stage area so I know what I'm working with. She shows me the back yard where a line is drawn. I say, "There?" pointing to a small cement square. "No," she says. "That line." I say, "That line? Is it the back stage boundary or the front?" She says, "The back boundary." I keep looking for the script, getting more desperate as time passes. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a church, attending a small town service. I think I'm there because a movie crew is in town. A number of famous movie actors, men, are there. I am sitting in the back. I really have to go pee and I get up at the end of the first section and walk. I have the directions that you go to the Splash room and find the restroom. I see a cafeteria room where people are getting refreshments. I see a line of women in a room and correctly guess that's the women's room. I get in line. I really have to pee bad. The last booth opens up, they each have flowered curtains for doors. I go in and it's a white, tall plastic kitchen trash can under a counter. I squinch under the counter and sit and begin to pee. My bladder is very full. I hesitate and then I tell myself quite realistically, "I am awake, it's OK to pee." I pee and pee, trying not to slop any out of the round container. Finally I am done, but I feel uncomfortable, like I still need to pee and that maybe it wasn't OK to pee, maybe I wasn't awake. A woman is talking to me very friendly and we are chatting. I reach for a toilet tissue and she hands me one, I look to make sure it wasn't her lunch as she is standing there eating her refreshments on the top of the counter. I notice a ham slice in my hand and hand it back to her. Now I am stuffing my changes of clothes back into a white plastic sack. It's time to get back to the church service. Now an older woman approaches the woman I am talking to. She says she's been chosen as her sponsor. The woman is distressed because the older woman is tough and won't let her get away with anything. She is, I now realize, addicted to something. The older woman smiles and says knowingly, "Yes, that's why I've been chosen." I leave now, kind of escaping the woman's company after discovering she is addicted. Now I return, only it's a swim pool, not a church. I peel off my clothes. Jack Lemmon and other men are in the pool already. Jack Lemmon laughs and calls out a joke for me to hear about male chauvinists. I chuckle and check to see if my bikini halter swim top is covering me OK. I have very flat breasts like Angel. I dive in and begin to swim laps hard and fast like an athlete. The church congregation begins to chant numbers, counting the strokes to go across the pool. I work hard and make good time and the crowd cheers. I am pleased about my prowess. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek approaches me and begins to talk quite friendly and I respond back. It's like we are pretending the last few months or no communication ever happened. I feel glad that we are talking again. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have returned to school, university. I've been here for years. It is getting old. I think I will go to the first meeting of the Disability Student group. I start off in that direction, going up some stairs. I see Rochelle. We talk. She asks me where I am going and I tell her. She says, "Oh, boring. I'm not going to that thing. It's always the same." I agree it is often boring, but it is a good opportunity to meet the new, young disabled people, the activists. I mention to Rochelle that I am looking for a TV set, another one, for maybe $100. We see some advertisements posted on a board and I go up to look. Some TV's are mentioned for $40. But I decide to wait, because they won't be fancy enough to do what I want them to do. I never make it to class. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Dan Dailey and a woman are lovers. They sweetly and deeply love each other and so much enjoy being in each other's company. They are making love. Later, Dan comes up to the woman and smiles and says, "Hey, like the mama kitty and the mama bird, you are the mama...." I don't remember it exactly. But it refers to earlier scenes where a cute kitty cat was taking care of its young and the same for a mama bird. It meant she was a very loving mama kind of person and he honored that in her. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have so many books that they would fill up two huge library-sized rooms. I and a child like Charla are trying to walk down some stairs that are like piles of books. She had taken a 5 milligram dose of Cortisone and I was worried about this habit. I said, "That's like taking speed. That's not good for you." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am an enthusiastic and creative lawyer. I am a bit like Debra Winger. My client won't give me much, if any, information. He gives me non-verbal hints. At one point he acts like he had an allergy so I know that the man on the witness stand had an allergy and used this to ferret out important information. At one point, I put fake, funny, pink pig ears on my client, and a fake pig nose. I dramatically and humorously use this to make another important point. I do well. Now I am walking down a corridor and behind me comes a good-looking man who tells me he saw my work in court and admires me. We talk, enjoying each other's company. We then become boyfriend and girlfriend. I think his name is Roger, or perhaps my previous boyfriend was named Roger. Now I go to my home and he is with me. We are talking about my previous boyfriend and his flaws. Someone knocks on the door and I open it. It is an elephant, a big one, and three different gurus. One wears a golden Indian outfit. Another is in modest white Indian costume. They want me to feed the elephant. They ask me if I have a large gallon pan. I search around and find a big metal mixing bowl. They say that will be fine. Meanwhile I am having a sort of discussion/argument with my lawyer boyfriend. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I think I am at school, maybe like the community college, but the buildings do not look familiar. I am inside and walking around. I see myself playing my violin and I am playing the Hungarian Dance # 5. I am doing very well, which surprises me because I had worked so hard on that piece as a child and made so many errors then. I am cautious of the places where I had trouble before, but manage to do them right this time. The audience loves me and is enthusiastic. Now I am done with that and walking to meet Bonnie. I go the wrong way and have to back track in to meet her by the elevators. On my way there, I go to a table where magazines and so on are. I pick up one that has the picture of me doing the Hungarian Dance solo on the cover. It was a special report edition. I don't look like me at all. I have short black hair framing my face. I feel a bit uncomfortable that I don't look like me, so how will people know that is me? At the same time, I am also pleased to be so prominently displayed. Now I am going down a road. I am in Russia, I think. Another woman and two men are sort of joining me. One man, very good-looking, likes me. He cooks something for me. I say something about how far I always seem to have to travel to get to the festival or whatever we are going to. I say, "And now, we're in Russia where everything is so far away from everything. If the festival were in the next city, it'd be a far distance to travel." The man hands me a grilled cheese sandwich with special cheese on the outside of it too. He grumbles a bit, teasing me, that I could have had the steak sandwich he made, but no, I didn't like that. I only liked the cheese. I nibble on the sandwich. It is tasty. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | At first I am with strange beings, perhaps aliens, or spiritual beings or simply another planet. Things are done differently there. I must get used to the terrain. I am then called out of bed and outside to rehearse a disability skit with perhaps Bonnie. She holds my hands as she is up high on a cardboard box and I am down below calling to her. I am pulling at her and falling down. I ask her loudly why we don't have accessibility yet. "How long has it been since 1983 when it was law and we still don't have it?" I then pause and suggest to her we do this skit out on the parking lot where people could actually see it. She doesn't want to and I drag her out there, cardboard box and all. This is going to annoy the bosses of the place I work at, a car dealership or manufacturing place. The personnel office is looking for me now. A man questions me and wants to know if I know what cars they sell. I say, "The 2400 (something) does really well. And in the used cars we sell lots of Pontiacs." Then I start to travel through the rooms, which are full of shoebox-sized cardboard boxes all piled loosely on top of each other. How I travel is to step into a box and move to the next pile of boxes, like I go through a door into a room. A phone rings and the office people ask me another question. Then they want to know if Carmen Jones is there. I say, "Just a minute," and look in the next room where a light-colored black man is sitting in a manual wheelchair (like in movie I saw yesterday called Inside Moves). I ask him if he is Carmen Jones. He says, "Yes." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am lying in bed and Jock comes into the room and lies down with me. He is quiet and I realize he wants to make love to me. I feel his penis hard against my vagina. I am surprised since he is gay but I love him as a friend and I agree we can do this. I ask him if he has a rubber. He says, "Of course." I later wonder if he put it on and leave it to him to have done so. I don't want AIDS, but I don't push to make sure he is wearing the rubber. His penis is a bit small and he has some difficulty getting it in. He is a bit annoyed with me and asks me to change my position, maybe put a pillow under my hips to make it easier for him. I begin to move around and he is excited and I am uptight and can't relax and enjoy it. He has an orgasm and I am left frustrated, hardly aroused. I am disappointed and feel a bit used. Now it is New Year's Eve and people are celebrating out in the streets. I see Jock very sad and morose and I realize he is thinking of suicide. He lies down in a large puddle of water and sinks down into it. I sit on the edge and watch, thinking he won't go through with it and waiting for him to sputter to the surface. I watch the air bubbles rise. Then he does float up and I am shocked to learn he did try for it and isn't breathing. I grab him and try to do CPR, but now he isn't a person but a fold up case like a crimping iron. I can't find any lungs so I keep pressing first this side and then that, unfolding him as best I can. It isn't working. I then pull him into a diesel truck. He is a human again and I try to call 911. Lots of other people are ahead of me and it is hard to reach help. We finally get through. Now I am walking back down a flight of stairs and a woman is telling me of the other women he had sexual affairs with while cheating on Melinda. Sandy is the name of one of them. I don't remember the name of the other. I feel cheapened and used and sad. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Two men, one tiny and one large, are in partnership to poison us. I am a member of a rich family and the large man is like a butler to us. We have to become like detectives to figure out what they are up to. They have a spittle-like white substance they are using to poison us with. Somehow, the man in my family manages to poison them with their own poison. It takes a while to act, so when they learn they'd been poisoned, they suddenly stop chasing us and decide to go to the theatre. We don't trust them and follow to keep an eye on them. The woman of the family, Polly, comes with us. I am sort of her. We follow them outside the mansion. A large group of our employees are out there, doing yard work and cleaning things and laying down a layer of dirt for the garden or the patio. They stare at us in disbelief, because we are not dressed up fancy like we always do, but in ordinary comfortable clothes, even though we are going to the theatre. I (Polly) pause, then say, "You people are sure snobs. This is a style called comfort." They then laugh and relax a bit. I say, "I bought it at the best store in town for this sort of thing," and I name a local, cheap clothing store. They joke back. Now the two poisoned men don't feel well and decide to come back in the mansion. We try to follow them, still not trusting them to cause us damage. The large man has changed into a robe and is laying face down on a couch. The tiny man is locked in the bathroom feeling ill, so we assume. The large man had said something to me on the way back in about how they had managed to take Polly with them, meaning they had poisoned her on the sly. I try to find the piece of paper in a sheaf of them in my hand to prove what they said, because I didn't really catch it all and was unsure if they said that or not. I need to know because if it is true, I must tell Polly. I can't find it. Finally the large man says it's all right. We didn't poison Polly. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a sort of classroom, only it's sort of like my house. I am explaining to the instructor (male) that he doesn't understand, what I'm dealing with is more complex than just the English language (like parts of speeches). I am working with Natural Language Programming. As I tell him this, I am moving a broken office chair (the back rest is lopsided and partially unattached) to another room and out of the way, only where I'm putting it is sort of where my computer would be in my house. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am visiting someone, maybe Corinne at M City, only I don't recognize the house. I am looking for my pills because I've just realized that I didn't pack any and I see that my mother didn't either. I notice she did pack all my jewelry, which I never wear. How annoying. I start to dig into all my old purses, which apparently my mother packed too, because, as I explain to some woman, I often don't clean out my old purses and I am used to carrying spare pills just in case, but no luck. I find a few pills, which when I look closely, are merely vitamin like things, round and yellow. I sigh. I need to call my doctor and have him prescribe a temporary supply of pills for three days, which is how long I'm going to visit here. I can't remember how to use the phone. My mother tells me to push the save tab on a card index file. I say, "Oh sure, I remember now. I push it and pick up a brochure and put it up to my ear like it's the receiver. I complain I can't hear very well. There are too many people talking in the room. So my father pushes me back, like I'm in a chair and he is shoving the chair with me in it until I am back in a roomy clothes closet. I can't remember the doctor's name. I remember Dr. A. and say, "But they switched me to some other doctor, a Doctor ... Mendelsohn. I am ambivalent about which doctor to call. I finally decide on the new one since the paperwork would go more smoothly, although it would be nice to talk to Dr. An. because he knows my case. I notice I am naked and have an excessive amount of long dark brown armpit hair and pubic hair. I am a bit surprised. I've never had so much hair there before. I used to shave. I must have let it grow for a long time. I am younger, maybe in my 30's. My body is pudgy but firm and soft, a nice pretty body. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I meet up with Dylan. We are talking but there is some tension between us. Perhaps I feel competition or we are arguing. As we are talking, we are in some big institutional building of some sort, a woman comes over and turns her face away from Dylan and practically whispers, "I'm pregnant." I hear her, but Dylan doesn't and he continues talking. I interrupt him and say, "Did you hear her?" I make her repeat it. Dylan looks at me like, "Can you take over with this client?" He wants my help. I reluctantly agree. I say, "Can we use your office?" He says yes. I start to enter a room but he says, "No, my office is moved now." We go around the corner to another room. I open the door and see it is a long l-shaped room with lots of wooden chairs and desks. Some women from another department are also working in there. I look over the situation and ask the client if it is OK with her that we work in here, because having other people around could be a confidentiality problem. She reluctantly agrees. I see another room, used as a classroom, and now the women have used it as a coat room. I pull her in there. I say we may be occasionally interrupted. So we sit and she starts doing all kinds of avoidance behaviors, walking around, chatting about other things, etc. I firmly say to her, "You have three (I was contemplating five but decided that was too long) minutes to quiet down and work or I will leave." She ignores me and continues but at precisely three minutes has managed to sit quietly. I start to work with her about being pregnant and she starts up again. This time I give her two minutes. She doesn't stop and I go get my coat and scarf and start to leave. Then I suddenly turn and get right up in her face and fix her with a knowing stare. Her eyes become big and scared. "Uh-huh," I say. "You just confirmed it. You are a lesbian and that is the issue you really want to work with." I feel quite proud, even a bit arrogant about this amazing bit of intuition. I start to leave and she tries to follow. I say to her, a bit harshly, "I want to make it clear. We are not counselor and client anymore. We are not, I repeated, relationship and client...I mean, counselor and client." I am saying this to her so she clearly understands I am not working with her professionally so she won't be confused if we talk about things informally. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am changing my clothes because Darryl and his bride came to our family dinner and I want to look nice. I go into a room and find some girl clothes, maybe Charla's hanging in the closet. I can't seem to find my own clothes. I see a large suitcase on a bed with a pile of rumpled clothes in it and dig around. I find a pair of jeans that may be big enough for my Buddha belly. I start to put them on when a small wooden sliding door opens and Doug is peeking in to see if he can see me naked. I tell him to get away. I am mad at him. I look again at the jeans and see they are way too big. They are Kyle's jeans. That won't do. I am feeling desperate. I want to look nice and I don't seem to have anything nice to wear. I do find a pretty rusty brown top and skirt and I have a petticoat on. I am telling some woman there that maybe the petticoat will show under the skirt because it is too long. She says, "It's fine," but I take it off. I actually do look fairly nice. I return to the dinner where a jumble of food is all over the table. I shyly talk with Darryl and his bride. I am thinking that it has been so many years but it is fitting we are together again. There is also some bad feeling that it is going to be wrong for us to get married. We would not be good for each other after all. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Eric gives me some papers to finish up for him. I am required to paint some pasty kind of stuff over the text or pictures and then rub it onto another paper with a roller. I see some baby raccoons, a cute big raccoon and some text that is too big for the size paper I should rub it onto. I struggle. Sometimes the substance I am using is thick, gooey and black, but sometimes it's a rusty color. I am worried I am not doing it right and may ruin it for Nate. I peel some of them off to see if it is working. I can't tell. Some are all right, some have black goop all over both sides, like carbon paper. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am visiting the B's. Ernie is talking with some man and I am lying on a couch listening. I ask where Ginny is. He says in the bedroom. She'll be out in a minute. I am petting a large white and spotted cat with a Mohawk fur cut. I chuckle at the cat. I remember that Fluffy is gray and wonder where she is. Now the boys, Ricardo, Rigo and some of their friends pull me out onto a play area like a skating rink in a park. I am on a skateboard with all my things in my lap. I have knitting and clothes for warmth. It is winter. They are laughing and pulling me around and around. It is fun. I say, "Wait a minute, let me check my knitting." I see it has fallen under me and pull it out. One needle has all the stitches on it. The second needle is pulled out of the blue yarn. I try to put the stitches back on the needle as the boys continue to drag me around. Now Ernie is laughing and sitting squatted down like on a cold day, rubbing his hands. Ginny then walks up to me in a huge clown suit like a cat with a Mohawk. I say, "Are you on stilts?" and look and I see she is standing on my wooden crutches like they are stilts. We are all having fun. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a hospital. I have a female roommate, sort of like Michelle Pfeiffer. I am being released and so is she, but then she comes back to tell me she has to have a surgery and can't leave yet. Her surgery will happen on the 21st. I say, "Too bad," and she leaves for another room. I wish, after she is gone, I had asked for her name and address so I could write her. Not that I wanted to, but that is what people do and I should have. I am packing up the files I had been working on while in the hospital, the Hollywood information on movies I'd been watching. Then Grandma Agnes comes in, much slimmer than she usually was, and asked me why I wasn't at the family gathering at her house yesterday. I say, embarrassed and caught, "I was busy doing stuff." So she, two aunts and my father come in to visit. They sit in a circle on chairs and I am lying down on a couch. We all go to sleep during our conversation. I wake up and so do they, and I feel embarrassed like I should have been more attentive. But I also think it is amusing that we all fell asleep together. Some visit! | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am getting into a group of women who are going into a bleachers area to sing group songs. I don't know what holiday it is, but this is a usual holiday thing to do. I and Andrea are trying to catch up with our group, but get lost and end up with a group of swimmers and divers. There is a swimming pool to the right, and in front of our bleachers is a pool used as the stage area. I watch a scene where a man and a woman get in a small rectangular rowboat and sing as we all sing the chorus. A wave or two comes up and splashes the woman and she mimes jumping up real quick so it doesn't get her all wet on her bottom. I and Aunt Bridget are sitting on the right side of the bleachers. It is very crowded. We sing along with the group but don't know the songs. I notice my voice is clear and pretty and I seem to be able to keep up with the words by listening carefully. I look over to the bleachers on my left and up and see a small group of people in green sort of fish costumes with green makeup on their faces. They are pretty and all the same. Now muffins and cookies and cakes are being served to the crowd and I can see they are moist and sweet and would taste really good, better than if we'd stayed with our own group. I look to my right and notice the water is all gone from the swim pool. There had been some girls taking lessons there. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house I've never seen before, a big one. I'm in the kitchen. I'm hungry and looking around for something to eat. Pickings are slim. I hear Howard outside in the front yard telling the neighborhood children not to play in our yard. I hear his boring, dead voice droning on about civic responsibility. I idly wonder if I could sleep with him now and have sex. I feel forgiving and try to imagine if I could do it without feeling horrible. It is a possibility. He comes in and I am at the sink rinsing a bunch of spaghetti and pretzels in the sink. He suggests I could go out and talk to the kids sometime. I say, "I agree I need something to do, but giving civic lessons to the kids isn't going to be it." Then I ask if he is hungry. He says yes, a little bit. I then hesitate and then ask if I can fix him some toast, or even fry a couple of eggs. I am relieved when he says no. I see a plastic container full of cooked spinach and ask him if that is his. He says yes. I see that he is on his belly on the floor, digging around in a cupboard for something. I ask him what he's trying to get. He says salt. I see him pick it up awkwardly with his teeth. I take it from his mouth and use it to salt his spinach and then my spaghetti. I notice he had put an unshucked ear of corn on my plate. I touch it. It is cool, and uncooked too. I decide not to salt it yet, but cook it first. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am on a beach and I see the actor John Ritter and we talk. He says, "Remember me?" I say yes. Then we are lying down and he puts his arm over me and kisses me. Then he gently says, "I know this upsets you, so it's OK if we don't make love." I say, touched, "If I were going to do it with anyone, it would be you." He is touched. Then I say, "And I want it to be you." We kiss again and then we get up to go to his hotel room. But first he notices that the ocean has come up over a high sand dune hill and we get concerned because it could all come roaring down on us and it would be dangerous, so we begin to run back toward the hotel. We have to cross the "nuclear fields" first (a patch of unmowed pasture). As we are approaching an embankment we'll have to go up and over, it begins to rain hard. We laugh at the irony that we are fated to get wet somehow (baptism?). Water pours out through the apple trees we are under. We are concerned it will be hard to get through all the blackberry vines on the embankment, but then we see a few wooden steps and easily get up to the road. We enter the hotel. He is the manager and works there, so he comes in later than me and waits down the hall. I have two empty champagne glasses in one hand and am wet from the rain and wear a sleeveless T-shirt and look sexy and cute. I come past the desk and come to him and he smiles. I say, "Was I obvious?" He says, "Yes," laughing gently. Now we walk to his room and I suddenly remember or he reminds me that I left Charla in a room alone sleeping. I feel guilt and hope she is all right. We get in his room and for some reason he's upset and says he can't do it now. I understand but am disappointed. He sleeps on a couch with the couch pillows stacked up, but it's real uncomfortable. I am asleep on the bed. Then in his sleep, he gets up and stumbles over to the bed and before you know it, we roll over into each other's arms and make love (no sexual feelings, but contentment and comfort). | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I and my handicapped boyfriend are being ostracized because of our relationship. He is younger than me and handicapped, so I have been kicked out of school, all my money taken from me and no place to live. I do not give up my boyfriend though. I only have one privilege left. I can attend one class at school. I can't participate, but I can attend. I go there. No one speaks to me. I feel shame because I used to be quite popular and influential. I feel pride also in not backing down. I sit up in the highest row. The seats are like wooden, old theatre seats. The class is beginning. Down in the center is a group of students who are portraying judge and jury and lawyers. A young man is first to present his question or debate issue. He asks how come there aren't any pretty women for him to ask out in his small town and is this fair? I wonder to myself how fair is it that he isn't all that good-looking. How arrogant. Now a woman, like Mirabelle, reminds the group they haven't done the Bible thing and people pull out their Bibles. They begin to recite the Lord's Prayer. I start to do it from memory to be a part of the group, even though I think this is silly. A tiny disabled woman in a wheelchair behind me (maybe has osteoporosis) sarcastically uses silly words to the Lord's Prayer to show her defiance to this issue. I want to join her and would like for her to approve of me, and I want to join the group and have them approve of me. It's a dilemma. Now a young man walks up to a young woman next to me and wants to sit with her. He likes her. Then they change their seats and go down to a front row. I watch them as he tries to shyly move closer to her and she realizes he wants to hug and she moves closer to him and so on. Now one of the center group people calls on a woman on my right. She is a nun with short dark brown hair. In a pageboy kind of cut. She says she's not sure she can share her case because it isn't... and she can't remember the word. I supply it for her, "copyrighted." I am ignored. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am going to the Doctor's office. I see Dr. A having a cup of coffee. He is seated in a wooden school desk, the type with a wooden arm on one side. He sees me and asks me to have a cup of coffee with him. He is gentle and pleasant, seeming to want my company. We chat for awhile. He pats me on the arm and says sweetly, "I love you." He doesn't mean man/woman, but friendship. I say, "I love you too." He goes on. Then I remember I need a refill on my cortisone. I go in. A woman doctor says she can fill the prescription. It is a shot. I really live in some other town but decide to go ahead and get this month's shot now and save time. She is friendly with her women patients; she is sort of New Age. She now has a cream that looks like shaving cream and raises my blouse to expose my upper belly just below my breasts. This is the correct spot for the application of the cream. I am concerned that she might put too much on, how does it time itself for a whole month, and so on. She asks me how much I take and I say, "Four milligrams a day." I sort of feel this isn't right, but I can't remember any other number that is correct. She rubs the cream into my skin and that's that. There is no pain, and it's done. Then she offers a raffle ticket to me and two other women to go to a party and enjoy ourselves. After we are done, we can get reimbursed for the cost of the ticket by my brother Dwight. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | We had a wonderful time at the party and it is 2 or 3 in the morning. It is time to go. The other two women insist I call Dwight right now and get our raffle ticket reimbursement. I say, "It's too late." They insist, so I try to find his number. I say, "He hasn't got a number of his own," and then I remember he's married now and not living with my parents. I find the number. I don't feel good about this. I wake him up and tell him what we want. He says gently but firmly, "No, that's not fair. It was her raffle ticket. Why should I have to pay out of my own pocket?" I can see the reasoning on this and feel bad and caught between Dwight and the two women. I explain to them. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am feeling very ill. My daughter Ellie had been very ill with the flu. I guess it was my turn now. I am semi-lying in an overstuffed chair. I look down and see both my legs are in one leg hole of a huge man's briefs. I am embarrassed. I notice my fat belly. I am naked, but the flu and the fever is so bad I can barely move. Ellie comes over to me and leans close. I feel her take something in her mouth and put it in me somehow. It is a hard lump of something I can feel and move around in my belly. It is very uncomfortable. I get up with difficulty and try to walk. I had seen a woman that looks like a witch woman and I need to go to her. Now I am on a toy train and it has rubber tires and as I drive it around the narrow wooden structure, the wooden gates are too low and I have to think my way through. I finally arrive where the witch woman is. Lots of people are sick. I find her lying on her face in a kind of trance as she works with someone else. I tell her my daughter put this horrible thing in me and I am sick. She works with me and gets it out for me. I get back on the train for a ride. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a some kind of McDonald place where it caters to kids. I am ordering some hamburgers and so on. There are toys there to buy as well. A girl is looking at a set of baby clothes all in the same soft orange color. I leaf through them as they are presented in a book like form. Now I see my parents. I notice that my mother is quite tall, nearly as tall as my father is, but they still look good together. I notice how regal she stands and looks. Then I notice she has a bald swath through her pretty hair. She is delightedly sniffing the bags of hamburgers and exclaiming how wonderful they smell. Somewhere, either earlier in this dream or perhaps another dream, is a short pudgy man with really bad hair, sort of fuzzy and tough and grows in spots. He shows me the back row of his hair how unkempt it grows and sighs because he likes me and feels his hair will turn me away from him. Now I or my father sees some notice or advertisement about a piece of real estate where people can go to fulfill their dreams, or act them out. I see a white plastic molded bench which sits three people, the middle one a bit more high and centered than the other two. Then I see three people sitting on the bench in ballet costumes. These people want to dance ballet. Then I see a fat older man who is a playwright. He is writing a play these people can dance. But he is stuck and can't figure out what to write. He is lying in a recliner chair which is laid back on its back on the floor and he is seated in the chair, also lying on the floor. He is devastated because he is so stuck and can't come up with anything creative. Maybe he never had talent in the first place. He then goes to a body of water and purchases used pills to kill himself with. I wonder what "used" pills means and reassure myself it means not used and then too old and weak, not that people swallowed them already once. He takes a bunch of the pills but doesn't die because they had lost all their potency. But he plods on, determined to figure out how to write this play. Then an idea comes to him; he could use dreams. They could do dance movements like dream scenes come to him -- energy, surprise, beauty. So he writes it and I hear the male lead dancing it. The dance area is ringed with old apartments where two or three stubborn old men have refused to move out and they insist on living there so close to the dance area that their normal living movements are distracting to the audience of the dance. So I hear the one old man asking the lead dancer as he is doing his wonderful leaps and so on, does he know a word he needs for this crossword. The dancer keeps hissing at him through his clenched teeth, "I am dancing here!" But the old man ignores that and keeps asking his question. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am an odd-looking computer machine, quite bulky, old-fashioned and metal. I am told to check out www.20.com. So I don't know how to do this, but push a lot of buttons, one that says "w." on it. All of a sudden, I notice that many different printers are starting to print. An old-fashioned calculator, adding machine is printing out numbers on a paper roll. Then money in the form of bills come out of a metal slide and start dumping out. I run around to the front to retrieve them before they get wet in the water or blow away in the wind. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Boomer, the cat, and I are walking to M City over the mountains. We are walking up a forested meadow hill when I see herds of sheep and deer and other animals running from the mountain down the hill past us. I am worried they will trample us, but we stand and the go around us. Some people too. I think there must be a forest fire. I look for smoke. I see a small puff but not enough to indicate danger. I hesitate making the decision should I go on or not. I decide to go on and continue as we crest the hill, I am startled and scared when I see a huge forest fire coming right at us. We turn and run as fast as we can back down the hill to find the creeks and rivers we had seen to jump into. We find one in the nick of time and dive in. I hold Boomer and we hold our breath until we must have oxygen and then gulp up some air and back under. It is touch and go. But finally the fire passes us, leaving charred remains and smoke, a close call. Now we decide we have to get to M City some other way. I see a dirt road and choose another one. I am driving a Volkswagen bus, an old one. I have two young adult mentally retarded people with me, a woman and a man. I ask the woman to drive the VW bus a ways and park it. I walk over and see with fear that she parked it so close to the edge of a cliff. One wrong move and we'd go over the edge. I realize what she did was try to park as best she could like to a curb. One wants to be as close as you can to the curb, right? I get in and very carefully pull away from the edge. Now I drive us down the steep hill and on. I say I wonder if this is the road to M City. It doesn't seem right. I see a small town, really just a cluster of buildings ahead. We'll ask directions. I get out and see a small store, but it is a ghost town and no one around. Then a car drives up. I am glad and walk over and ask the woman getting out of the passenger side if she can tell me how to get to M City. She is holding a rifle, I suddenly notice, and there are blood spots on her hands. She looks at me startled and mean. I get scared. I ask her again and she says, "I'll tell you but first you have to come up to the house." Well, there's no way I'm going to do that. She'll kill me, thinking I'm a witness to something. I agree, though and get in the VW bus and drive away. Only the man that was with her is in my way on a bicycle in the road. I follow him for a short distance. I see some highway signs and try to read them One says F. Ridge. Hwy. 50. There is a corner building and the man stops there and so do I. I walk up to a man and shake his hand. He introduces himself as Doug, the insurance man. I ask him where those roads lead to. He says to the coast. Now I realize I am going back to E City and after all this trouble, if I want to go to M City, I must start all over again. I am frustrated. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am watching in a sex therapist Doctor's office. A woman comes in and is naked and semi-lies on the examining table. The Doctor without a word gets on her and makes love to her. It is hot and heavy. Then she leaves. Later she returns, a few minutes later, and they repeat the procedure. Each time she takes the position of pulling her legs up near her head. It is quite mechanical and I am amazed at the Doctor's performances on command. Now another woman comes in naked with big breasts. He lays her on the couch and plays with her breasts and it is all very exciting. I feel great sexual excitement, but no orgasm. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a kitchen and notice the piled up dishes and mess. I feel bad. I haven't cleaned up for years. Howard probably is tired of that. I try to do some dishes and find a pretty cobalt blue pitcher where the handle and the spout are on the edge seams of the square corners. It's really cute. It has the words "Howard's Place" printed on it in white ink. Now I can't get the kitchen faucets to close down no matter how I turn them. I finally ask Howard how to do it. He is in the bathroom showering and I knock on the door. He calls out how. I do it. Then I go into another kitchen; more mess. I sigh. I must have not done a thing for a long time. I feel sorry for poor Howard, living in these conditions. I feel energy to clean and start in. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am lying in a big double bed with maroon colored sheets and I am tired and want to sleep way into the morning. Some other person, male, is in the bed too, at the other side and they want to get up. I resist getting up. Then I am having throat spasms and the hospital crew don't know how to help me and I can't talk to them to tell them to give me cortisone. I am angry at them. They think they know what to do and are screwing up. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am upset with myself because for years I'd been taking a few classes here and there and often not finishing them or doing the work. I have a long string of incompletes on my transcript. I am wishing now that I had chosen a 2-year master's program and just focused on that and done it. I'd have something by now if I'd done that. Some how this has to do with moving to a new city to turn over a new leaf, many years ago. The feeling is that in some other dream I had moved to a city to start school. Now in this dream I'm at the other end. So I try to do some homework and now I go to the school office to pay my tuition and fill out papers. The secretary is busy and I watch a mentally retarded girl lean over the counter, laying on it in my way, so I walk to the right and catch a secretary's attention. She asks for $56. I hand her a sealed envelope with my tuition in it. I thought it was to be $53. She opens it and pulls out a piece of paper where I had drawn pictures. I look at it and am surprised to see many different pictures of my cat in different poses and postures. I thought I'd only done one. I point out the empty spot where the mentally retarded girl had blocked my way. The secretary says, "That's a cold spot." I say yes, because that's the feeling I got from it. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a M City school building. I am looking for the bathroom. I find it and go in. I see there are no handicapped stalls. I either stand up and pee into a basket, or I walk into the toilet area and use a stall. I choose to walk in. It doesn't hurt, and I am surprised. I walk from one stall to another looking for the right one. Some are filled already with people, some aren't flushed and some are too low to the ground. I find one I think will work and go in. I pee, and as I get up, I see blood, even under the toilet, like it had poured out or leaked out. I am a bit concerned, but not too much. I notice I feel a cramp in my belly, like when I'm having periods. I decide I must have started having periods again, after so many years. A man comes up and a nurse and they want to check me over. They walk me to the blood lab area to do some tests. Either it's a period or I am sick sand hemorrhaging. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at some big college-like school. Some of the women students have stolen a recently dead man's corpse and are playing with it, doing some silly witch-like rituals over it for fun. I and a woman friend are shocked to see this (in the gym). After they are done, the audience is leaving and so are we. I say to my friend, "Come on, let's follow and see if we can retrieve the corpse and take it back where it belongs." My friend is in agreement and is surprised I cared enough to do this. We figured the element of surprise will be with us, because we are so quick to go to where I am sure they are going to leave it, namely in the sorority lunch room activity center area. I search and search, in drawers, opening doors, etc. and finally find a box which it might be in. I pick it up and sneak off to find the male professor that it goes to. I go down the halls hoping to remember his name. I find a college of his and ask to talk to him. I begin to wonder just who I can trust here. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | The first moment I laid eyes on this white, large, two-story house, I loved it. The woman who owns it says she'll sell it to me and I can move in right now and we'll do the papers later. I and my daughters start to move in. Each can have their own bedroom, the outside lawn is spacious and pretty, the rooms large and comfortable. I begin to be concerned because I haven't even asked how much for the house and if I will qualify for a bank loan for that amount. I am tired of living in my cramped little house, but it was the best I could afford. This will be much more. I see the short, almost midget-sized woman who owns it and go to her. I say, "I want to talk about the details before I get all moved in and then have to leave." She is busy driving a tractor towing a cart and I follow her, talking all the while. She smiles and wants to know what that other woman said about her. I say, "Nothing much." I didn't really listen. She says, "Good. Don't worry. We'll make a deal." She wants me to have the house. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am on the sidewalk in a crowd. A parade of some kind is about to happen. As I start to work my way through the crowd to get to the curb edge to see better, an Eastern Indian man in a white diaper-like thing dashes past me and shoves his way past me. I notice with some negative shuttering that he only has one leg. He bounces on a table and then takes off. Later, some people are accusing me of something and need to know where I was. I describe in detail where I stood, the man and what he looked like. My witness is Lucy, a blind woman, who had smelled him and that was good enough. They believed us. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am looking at Lucy who is talking. It is the middle of the night. I was awakened. I am talking with her, telling her something about what I feel and so on. I feel a strong wave of affectionate love for her and stop the conversation to tell her that. We hug. It is sweet. I lean against her back. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at some work-related meeting and have discovered that some organization needs to be done. It had been done in the past and now it hasn't been done for a while. I decide to go ahead and do it right then and there and work up some name and address sheets and a newsletter and so on so things can get going again. It was pretty easy to do. Now I go home (not familiar). Bonnie is there and Angel is outside. I am organizing piles of things: candies, utensils, toothpicks, that were in purses. I go out to see how Angel is doing and see an island where a friend lives. There is wilderness all around the island, except for the part facing my house. I start to try and figure out how to get over there. I am stopped by a group of men who are now sitting around a circle, squatted, only they are suited gangster types. I whisper to Bonnie, "I'll bet they are gangsters." She says she'll bet a Real Lean Dollar and 5 cents that they aren't. One comes up to me and asks if I am one of the Simply Four, a gangster group. I laugh and say no, but somehow this proves they are of that group. I say I am B. They have heard of me. I am now on the island and notice it is very tiny, a sand spit really, with the tamest creek going around it and a stone walk to the almost park-like "wilderness " in the back. I am a bit disappointed. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am sleeping on an uncomfortable hide-a-bed in a room where the floor is dirt and a rectangular shallow hole with straw in it is the area for the bed/couch. I wake up and see Howard standing near the bed on the right. He is very sad and I realize he has had enough and will ask for a divorce from me. I feel sad and a bit bad about my treatment of him. I look down on the floor and see about 6 inches of water there, and floating in it is my hand-held tape recorder and a couple of other small electronic items. I am very upset as I pick it up and see it is warped and broken. I blame Ellie or her children. I get out of bed and feel terrible. The place is a mess. The babies are fussy. Now I and a woman friend decide to drive to town. As we are driving through a building, a man screams for help. The floor of a business has given out under him. The older pudgy owner of the business rushes over to pull him out. Now our way out of the building is blocked. I am concerned. What shall we do? The woman points to a bank with an elevator. We are, I see, on the 20th floor. I go back to the owner and call him out. He is quite agitated and confused and I apologize for disturbing him, but does he know another way out? He describes the building next door and this or that office and to turn there. I ask my friend if she knows that way. Then I am concerned how if I leave the van, will I be able to get home? It's too far to walk. Somehow I get home and another woman roommate is around. There is some information about a model who types, or a type model, and I am curious and would like to go find her and meet her. My roommate is also interested. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | An entire family is traveling on a train. The parents are in one car, some of the children in other cars. I see their sleeping faces as though I'm outside the train looking at them through the windows. It is a tragedy. This entire family of nice people are going to die. I witness the wreck and then they are all dead. I feel sad. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am flapping my arms to get up into the air. It's sort of a swimming motion and a flying motion. I get airborne, the sky is very clear and blue. I see nothing but sky until I see a short small missile with a green metal tip coming at me. I duck and then the next and next. I am exhausted because they are coming fast and deadly. I must keep this up or I will die. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am giving a lecture at a conference which was very successful. Now I am walking across campus to go to another meeting room. I am accompanied by male colleagues and dignitaries. I turn to my right and see a male angel in a green surgical gown and a surgical net hat on who is carrying a bouquet of flowers to bring to me. He is in harness like fliers on stage. I receive the flowers and say, "Thanks." We arrive at the meeting room. I step through the door and stop suddenly. There is a small platform and then a huge room, ill kept, paint peeling, not swept, hardly any chairs. I see some children already seated on the floor and warmly greet them. More are coming in. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a large gym. A band is playing. I see Hojo on the drums. I admire the large biceps of his arms. I didn't know he played drums. Maybe I'll rethink how I feel about him. I've always wanted to be in relationship with a drummer. Now a play is going on and Hojo is in that too. I am way off in a corner of the gym, even away from the audience area, all alone. I am trying to be quiet and inconspicuous, but the players come over to my corner and a woman in a bride's dress is acting and I join in to help her. Now I'm off to the side and the play is over. Hojo comes over and I stand and then sit as we talk. Some man is talking about playwriting and I can't help myself. I chime in and say, "Well, I write plays and I find that when you write for someone else it isn't your best work. It doesn't come from the heart and soul." Then Hojo says, "I didn't know I was taller than you. Stand up again." I don't, because it would hurt. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am shown a sweet little kitty white with black spots, like a Dalmatian. He is called a Grandma Cat. I hold him and pet him. Then a man throws the kitties out of the compound into the dangerous outlying area. I am furious with him and stand up tall and look up at him and tell him off. How can a person who treats innocent kitties this way can be trusted as a leader of the people? I go out to the dangerous area and dig in the dirt and find a kitty like Boomer. I am so happy to find him. I must bring them back into the safety of the compound. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am helping Bill Clinton show a group of people some souvenirs he had: a pair of red slippers from Japan in a plastic wrap. I take the package from Mr. Clinton and walk over to the group and hand it to someone. This goes on for awhile. Now it's over and I am going to go teach a class at elementary school. I walk through one classroom where they have no furniture; they sit on the floor. I see a man and say to a friend that I am interested in having a relationship with him. I go on. She tells him what I said. He thinks it over and then follows me into my classroom. He, I realize now, is slightly retarded or slow. I wonder about my choice. I am resetting the heater. I put in a new part and start it up. He says to me, "Did you hygenate it first?" It needs hygenation. Or it will blow up." I realize I hadn't even considered looking at the directions and missed this important step. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I can't believe I am letting Ellie, my daughter, be my Doctor. I don't have a great deal of confidence in her. I tell her of my pains and then remember to tell her of the dizzy spells I've been having lately. | female | 1960-1997 |