series
stringlengths 1
19
| description
stringlengths 7
33
| dreams
stringlengths 5
23k
| gender
stringclasses 2
values | year
stringlengths 1
19
|
|---|---|---|---|---|
b | Barb Sanders | I am being forced to drive to California by my evil brother and his wife, my sister-in-law. I earn money either with Social Security or with my writing and they are living off what I earn. Somehow, I manage to get back in the house. I think an older sister, Margaret (elderly), makes this happen. I make a break for it and go into the bathroom off my bedroom and hide. This is kind of like the V house in A City, but not. I quickly go pee and then try to hide under a pile of bed clothes under a small table. The door of the bathroom is a curtain that draws over the door space. I can kind of see through it, although it is not transparent. Margaret comes and sees me but doesn't tell. Later two girl children come by and I hope they don't see me. I'm hidden, but sort of in plain view also. The sister-in-law comes by and peeks around. Margaret lays my play scripts on the pile of bed clothes I am under and asks the sister if it's alright if I rewrite them, if I am found. The sister-in-law agrees, because, of course, it would mean more money for them. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I write a play or story and then I experiment with a machine. I am in a small room. Some people come by and take the machine and are looking it over and exclaiming about how I've managed to improve it. I choose to hide beside a young woman in a wheelchair. I look up at her, asking her not to expose me. I say, "I won't let them hurt you." She hides me. I like being there to eavesdrop on their compliments. Then I rush away and they chase me. I go into the room just beside the one I was in originally and slam the door and try to hold it locked. They pound on the door. They start to come over the transom and I shoot them with my laser beam gun. It slows them down. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a young boy and am homeless. I look for a place to hide where I can be warm. I go down to the basement of a large house. I look into barrels for a place to sleep. I see a big furnace, so we'll be warm (another boy is with me). Someone is after us. Then we have to go back upstairs. I get in a pickup truck to drive and my partner is now a tiny girl on a tricycle (like a disability). I reach way down to give her a piece of paper she will need, like a deposit slip from a checkbook. She gives it back and I search the list of numbers to see if it's the right ones. She says, "Can we arrange to be away from here for two hours, because I don't want to be here when the big cloud comes?" I look over and see a devil's tower, like a volcano, and realize a poisonous or nuclear cloud will envelop this for two hours very soon. I agree and we struggle to get away from there. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a library and some new books have been made. Someone videotaped some new material and now some women and myself are going through the material and critiquing it and cataloguing it. I ask a few questions about the abbreviations we will use in our descriptions. Later, I look up on a ceiling and see the underside of a table saw has cut through from above. A man is concerned and wonders why or how this happened. I crawl up and through a trap door to the next floor and see that a woman had started it up and then left it unattended and it cut through. I decide, after debating, to turn it off. Next to it is a sewing machine. I leave it on. Later, Aunt Elaine is asking if I have any more of that apple jam without sugar. I say, "My mother may have some more," and we look in cupboards. We find a jar half full. Later, I am picking at my left big toe nail, trying to get it down to the right size. I go too far and make it too short. It's soft and easy to manage. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am seated in a big fancy wheelchair right in the first row in the center so that I am right up next to the stage. I wonder if I am blocking the view of others sitting behind me. I am aware that I've never seen a show from this perspective before because in high school I always sat in the back, because of my fears. I watch some show on stage and afterward am mingling with the crowd. Two tall men stand by me and I am aware that I am seeing from a new perspective. Men get to see things that short women can't. He laughs and says, "You mean you've never seen black straps and wrinkles before?" (meaning from their tall vantage point they can look down women's dresses. I think with some concern, "Why would I want to do that? I'm not a lesbian, after all." My father sits in the back row and I go to him. I help him carry two huge axes. We go to the parking lot and see his vehicle which isn't working. I place the two axes in what I thought was the vehicle, and now have to retrieve them because they are laying on the dirt ground. I reach in where the truck should be and get them up. It is hard to do. He watches. Then we walk over to the trailer he had pulled. It is an odd hand-made wooden house trailer with an open wall on one side. I get in. It has a long wooden bench on the long wall. My mother is seated there. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am working as a writer in a movie studio in Hollywood. I watch with great interest at everything around me. A good-looking man watches me. He follows me out as I am talking to another man. I am telling him all my many projects and this is overheard by the good-looking man. He is impressed. After we are in the parking lot, I discover there's fences and I can't get out the way I'm going, so I turn to go back. I see a huge wind whipping up the dirt all around. I try to cover my mouth and nose to protect myself. The man gets into a car, takes my pink wheelchair and puts it into the trunk, which is in the front and drives off. We go up a very steep off-ramp with red lights on it indicating we are going the wrong way. I am afraid we'll tip over. He smiles when I ask, "Why are we going this way?" I don't like it. Now we are on the freeway. He suddenly stops on the side of the road and grabs me. He is going to rape and kill me, like a serial killer. I smash his head three or four times against the back window and he slumps unconscious. I push him out of the car, but then decide to get my chair out and leave the car; otherwise I'd be stealing it. I have trouble putting the chair together, but manage and go up the side of the freeway, hoping he doesn't regain consciousness and come after me. I find a phone booth and call for help. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Ricardo comes to Ginny and me and says, "Look at my eyes. I'm allergic to the packing stuff." I see his eyes are swollen and bruised-looking in color. He had been opening a bag of party favors that were packed in packing Styrofoam peanuts things. Ernie is around and he is grumpy and angry about things in general. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I and a man are sexually interested in each other. It's teasing and exciting. He and I kiss and walk and talk. We or I have a hamburger diner that I sort of live in. We walk past two others that are so tiny I wonder how anyone can do any work there and actually make hamburgers. I see rows of catsup bottles on a shelf and a hamburger ready to be cooked. It has a tiny order window. We walk on. We lay on the grass and I draw something on the grass. It's words. It starts with the word "sex" and to the left is another word and on a curve is another word, and a line he wrote crosses my line and makes it hard to read. He tries to read it and says, "I know it starts here," and points to the word "sex." Two other men are nearby and my man gets possessive and jealous and says to them, "She's mine, you understand?" I say indignantly, "Hey, let's get this straight. Yes, I'm with him, make that clear, but I decide when I walk and when I work!" He's embarrassed that I am such an untamable woman, but what can he do? He loves me. We go into the house/diner to find a room to be alone together to consummate our passion. Now I am walking down a hall at an institution where mentally retarded people live. A woman aid says, "It's so amazing. We have to coerce them to get to their writing, but when they finally get interested, there is no stopping them." It's something to watch. They get intensely involved observing things to write about. She describes how one mentally retarded woman went to a window and said, "This is a man, and here is his head and his hands and here is his dick" (the metal handle used to open the window), and then the aid demonstrates how the woman takes the handle into her like it's a dick and has orgasm. I am a bit shocked but, hey, this is life. The life force can not be denied. There is something about aids helping disabled people to have orgasm. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am trapped in a world where I can't find my way out and back to my own universe. Charla and I are walking down a long series of halls, endless. We go faster and faster. I worry I will step in the open holes in the metal floor and fall or hurt myself. I finally see a light coming out of a crack in a door in the wall and try to peek in. I am excited because finally I see other people. It's a class of some kind. I pound on the door and then see they are coming out. I step back so they can open the door. They come out and I go in and see a woman seated on a chair. I assume she is the teacher. I speak to her. I tell her I need help because I'm not of this world, and I was all alone, and it is such a relief to find people, and how do I get back? She is very noncommittal and says, quite unsurprised, that she understands because she isn't of this world either. I say, "Really! Then can I get back?" She says, "Come on to my apartment. We'll talk. We walk a few lengths of a hall and enter her apartment. I see one small living room and a tiny kitchen cubicle. There's not much stuff in there. I ask if I can go back and she doesn't answer. She says, "Will you have dinner?" I say, "Sure. I'll help you clean up after." She shrugs. "You can if you want to, but it's not necessary." She takes a pot of pink stuff and throws it on the floor. I watch as it just disappears into the floor and nothing is messed up. I realize this universe does everything for you. If you want to cook or teach or do dishes or anything, you can, but if you don't, the universe does it. I realize it's sort of a small universe which convolutes on itself because everything doesn't really exist. I show Charla. I stand next to the wall and mark it up terribly. Then I wait for a few seconds (3?) and it repairs itself. I say to the wall, "Change your color - red, black, yellow. It changes to each color. I tell it to go back to the original color. I realize this is very bad, in the long run. What will these people do with their time? There is no challenge. I see the teacher is bored and unanimated. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am happily married to Michael J. Fox. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I watch as a woman captain of a riverboat sternwheeler is navigating in shallow water with dead tree stumps and fallen logs all about. I wonder she isn't ripping out the underbelly of her craft with this plowing-through attitude she's got. Finally she sees the center channel, which is the Mississippi River, and deep and large. She goes there and it's clear sailing for a while. Then there is a decision point. On the left is a huge inland lake and to the right, over a sand bar, is more river. She is very impressed with this lake. It is exciting, so huge, the largest lake bounded by a continent. It seems too much for her and she decides to go on down the river, but then now the boat is being driven down a sand dune to the ocean, where an edge of the lake connects. I realize with delight she could not resist the lake and is going for it in a round about way. Now we're on the ocean and I can feel her (the ocean's) powerful waves. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A man is stealing things and I hesitate and then join him. It's kind of fun. I grab a pack of Salem cigarettes and some chocolate candy and some money. After a while of being concerned he will get caught, I get "caught up" in the excitement and blatantly steal things, even when shoppers are nearby. The man cautions me and says, "You could get caught." I disregard him like I'm addicted to this and then the police come and I run and hide. I go down a steel ladder into an underground manhole-like place and then I am trapped. They have me. I give up. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A play is starting. It's for kids, like the Wizard of Oz or something. It opens with a witch crossing the sky. I look up, we are outside in a city, and I see a man on a helicopter thing. I say, "This time the witch is a man." He has a blue stocking hat on that is pointy like a witch's hat. He's having some trouble landing the thing and I wonder just what kind of a budget this play has where they can afford expensive jet helicopters as props. Two guard jet helicopters come by to assist him. He accidentally gets one of the rotors on a roof and flips over. The play is stopped temporarily, as they go to fix that. I walk down the street. I wonder if the play has started up yet, and see a woman go into a store window display to take her place. I think, "Well, only the best actors get that job, so I guess the play hasn't started yet, but it would be fun to stroll down the street and see all the different live displays." I think Ellie is around somewhere. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I live in an apartment and a woman comes in and says, "I have to help you put proper coverings on the tie downs of your curtains." I am surprised and say, "Why?" She says because the management insists that everyone do it. I am upset. "We'll see about this," I say indignantly. She is the secretary of Dan T and his wife. She comes and works for me a couple of hours a week. She takes down the snowman Xmas ornament I have on the right curtain. There is a Santa Claus ornament on the left tie. I walk down to Dan's office and say, "We have to talk." He sighs, "Here she comes, to make trouble again." I say, "Why do I have to put on specific tie down covers? This feels like an invasion of privacy. I should be able to say what I want to have in my own home." He agrees, but he also explains that the ties need to be protected so they won't get dusty. We talk. I go inspect his curtains to see if he is complying with the rule. He has lace curtains that don't have ties. I say, "I'll have the secretary look it over, my curtains, I mean." He seems very grateful that I hire her for a few hours, like this is a very civic thing to do. He then brings me plastic packets with books and yarn craft things in them and I look them over. It has something to do with the curtain stuff. I choose one, wondering if I should pay for it or just walk out with it and assume he gave it to me. I watch him to get a clue if I am being given it or not. I can't really tell. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Someone burned my house down (like the M City House) and the insurance is going to pay for building a new one on the same location and I am happy. We are temporarily living down the street in a nice house, but it will be good to get back to the original location. Then I am concerned that the man who burned the house down will do something stupid and get caught, and they won't pay for a new house. Now I am getting into a submarine. As we go under the water, a sailor says, "Ah, I love being under the water. It's so safe and clean." I shudder, because I can't help but worry about what would happen if the sub sprung a leak or broke. We'd be killed by the tons of water, with no oxygen. We go to the bottom of the ocean. Now I am married to a man and he is having sex with another woman right in front of me, and I am hurt and angry, but I still love him. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a small, square house and I look out the window to the right and see a small indent in the dirt and realize an eruption is beginning. I watch as I see water squirt up, and then hot steam and lots of water like a geyser. I watch as the hillside, which is completely barren, just dirt, is awash with water. Then I realize this could be dangerous. I still don't move, until it is absolutely obvious; I slide on the water out of the house and down a big hill. I step over books, and land in another small house that is completely surrounded by water, the great flood. The entire world is flooded except my little spot. The water finally recedes and I see some men coming toward me and I must protect myself. I have a whip and I am very good with it. I lash out at them and drive them away, except there are a lot of them and they keep threatening me. One sends a long-horned cow at me. I am about to be impaled on a fence and I reach out and grab the cows horns with one hand and force it to stop. I hold it there and insist it let me ride it. It sort of rolls its eyes at me as if to say, "My God, not that! How embarrassing." But I get on its back and ride away on it. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am pregnant and going into the hospital to have the baby. The dream sort of keeps repeating itself and I repeat going into the room and having a big belly. It seems to take forever and I get bored and tired of the repetition. It doesn't seem to end. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I play the violin. I have two of them. One of my violins was the old one that I used when I was in the 4th grade. It used to be my mother's. The other violin is a serviceable one that I use. I play fairly well. I hope my fingers can manage the notes so I won't embarrass myself. Jock is around. He has unpacked a huge bass fiddle. I wonder how we'll fit it in the car. I put the violins on the back seat, without their cases. I hope they don't slide around and get broken. A man comes up to me. He is interested in me. He is married and has children and doesn't seem to want to divorce them, and at the same time he wants to have an affair with me. He is a bit plump and bearded. He reminds me of Pat Brown. He hugs me and kisses me. I let him without really feeling reciprocal feelings. I tell him that I don't want to have a sexual affair with him as he is married. I am also not that interested in him. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a large room, sort of like a gym with furniture. Merle and I are exercising. I am standing and doing stretches. One leg up and then the other and stretching every part of me. It felt wonderful. I tease Merle and tickle him on his round tummy. Now we are moving furniture, a yellow couch. Ginny helps. I pin some yellow sheets of paper up on a side wall of a stage area that is not accessible to wheelchairs. I walk, so it's no problem for me. Someone takes them down and I say, "Hey, put them back! I put them there so people can write on them. I am expecting lots of school kids to come." He says, "But it seems there are better places for this." I say, "I looked. This is the best place." Then I look around again and realize that the main gym wall is accessible and all I would have to do is move the kid's pictures displayed there up here on the side stage wall and use that space. I go to the man and say, "You were right. There is a better place." I go down to do that. I see a huge map of the world on the wall, and later I see it's gone. Now the kids are arriving. I see someone has taken something of mine and I complain, but what shall I do about the pain? I look and I see two Alka Seltzer pills and a small pill. I tell Ginny that these are mine, for the pain. Ginny is busting two kid girls for having drugs. She is lecturing them. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at Dwight and Corinne's home and I admire the lovely curtains which are purple and other colors in stained glass. There is stained glass everywhere. It is beautiful. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I move into a house and I'm looking it over. I am in the kitchen. I see I have two tables there and wonder if I should move the yellow one out, even though it matches the stove in color. I go around to the back of it and see lots of drawers. I open them and see the previous owner has left stuff. I look through it, hoping I'll find something I like and can use. I see potato peelers and I open one drawer and see it is a mini stove, a sort of built in hot plate thing. I think that's neat. I see tiny coke bottles and gather them up to throw them out. I think they are cute. I decide to keep this table. I pick up cards off the other table that were laid out all in a row. I open a door and see it goes to more rooms, an old room with bits of leftover furniture stored, chairs, etc. I open another door and see a flight of stairs that go down to a basement and a flight of stairs that goes right back up the other side. I try to look around the corner at the bottom to where the basement room goes to the right, but don't want to go down there. I shut the door hurriedly, kind of scared. I then decide to throw the trash down a flight of stairs to the garbage can. Then I decide to go down there and look around. I see I own a motorcycle. I go down and practice riding it, around and around slowly in a circle on the blacktop of my driveway. A neighbor man watches, interested. I see I have a shop front glass window at the ground level and peek in. Perhaps it was an art store. There are lots of windows that let in light in this house. Now I am ready to go for a morning ride on the motorcycle to take picture. I notice I am near a river. I go down the path. Then I see some tree stumps hanging out near the path, dead logs really, laying down. I stop to take pictures of them. I am very artistically intent. The man follows, watching, pleased with me. I see a bright blotch of golden sunlight diffused with ducks flying up and I swing around and snap pictures. There will be beautiful pictures. I go on, more confident with my driving ability. I get to the small coastal town I now live in. I wander around looking at the shops. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am remembering to be a para in a wheelchair so I'll be able to use the dream experience to help me write the Disney movie. I sit in the chair and feel what it's like to push it with my hands, a sports chair. I am going across a bridge, a long one over a huge river and it is now a boat. And as I move down the sidewalk, it is going up and down in the waves. I hang onto the grid metal grating very hard. Each wave brings me down closer to the water. I back up a bit, and the next wave gets me closer to the water. Finally, I am over my head and under water. I hold my breath. Finally, we reach land. I get off and go find a place to stay. I share a tiny apartment with some other people. There are no bathtub or shower facilities there. I'll have to shower at school. I am annoyed at my roommates. One is a stupid young innocent college age girl who follows around the big, handsome, self-centered young man, who is quite willing to take advantage of her and make love to her and then dump her. I am angry at them both. I go into a tiny bathroom and pee. It is 1 o'clock in the morning and I need sleep because tomorrow is the first day of school. Then I wake up and we immediately head on out, looking for a bus. I see a street, N. 4th. It's a city like Dover. We go to the street. Someone says, "Go to the right, there's a mall." But I look to the left and see a bus station stop. I go in that direction as I hear one of my roommates whine he was hungry and would have wanted to get something to eat while he waited for the bus. I pass a popcorn stand and think, he can eat that. Now I am balancing, walking, on a curb of a skinny sidewalk. I feel kind of proud I can do this balancing act. Nobody particularly notices. I get to the bus stop and see two oddly dressed people miming and holding out brochures. I joke with my roommate out loud, teasing the people. I say, "Oh, look, here are some strange people that want our attention. I'm going to ignore them." They shrug and we pass. Then I realize they are the people with the bus route information and say, "Oh look, they had what I wanted and I walked right by." I go back and get a bus route book off a counter. I see a woman in a wheelchair and she works for the bus. I ask the way to the college. She says, "There's a map over here. I see it but it is really high up for a person in a wheelchair to see well. I notice I have a bunch of file folders I don't need, old booklets of the disability unit at the community college, Xmas craft project instructions, a satin angel ornament. etc. I try to sort them out, and only take the stuff I need for college today. I now have a huge bag of yarn and a half knitted thing on double point needles. The woman says, "Is this yours?" I say, "It wasn't, but I guess I'll take it." Then the woman points out a fat woman in an old manual chair in line for the bus. She says, "Too bad, that one really smells" (hasn't taken a bath for a while). She'll probably take the seat on the bus and I'll have to wait for another one. I look at my watch. It's noon. I still have time, but I am feeling frustrated and concerned and burdened down with all this stuff I'm carrying. I wonder if there is a locker there nearby where I can store some of this until I get back from class. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I enter a store, on the second level. I pass through a gauntlet of disability activists picketing the store. I pass through them and notice a balcony rail and go to look over and down at the main floor. It is teeming with people. I've never seen such a crowd. I ask someone what's happening. They say it's a sale. I say, "It must be one heck of a sale to get people to push and shove and force their way in." They say, "It is." I think, "I'd never get myself in there, so why even try?" Then I realize the sale is happening on this floor too. Maybe I'll find something here, where it's not so crowded. I find a yarn department and see the prices are really good. A knitting needle that costs $1.25 is a $1 off. I think of stocking up. I look for rug yarn kits, for hooked rugs, or needlepoint kits. There's not much left. I wonder if I could get a freezer, if they are on this floor. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A woman is slowly taking over my life and I am not really aware of this. She is outside making friends with my neighbors, and I am in the house, just hanging out. I start noticing she is moving in on my life and am annoyed but lethargic. Then I see her with my memory scrapbook and she is looking at it like it's hers. She decides to burn it. She puts it on a fire outside and I struggle to get up and go there to put out the fire. Now I'm angry at her and have finally made a move to defend my stuff (my life). I try to put out the fire and pull the scrapbook out of the flames. It is smoldering, but most of it is still intact. Now the woman is diabolical, crazed and taking over huge chunks of my life. I don't know if I can stop her, because I waited so long. I let her do it until there was hardly anything left I could own or control. I am back in the house, still fighting a lethargic mood. She's got nearly everything now and I see she's about to leave me in the house, alone with a crazed, evil man. I finally fight. "No," I say, "not that." I rush to the door to try and get out. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A nice man, large, like my cousin Lenny, is the president of a political club. He invites me to come to the meeting. He's explaining the facts to me. There are two women and two men who are going to vote on this issue. They are against the nice man's ideas. As we are discussing the ideas, and the man is writing on a blackboard, he makes some reference to Arkansas. The woman says, "I wish people wouldn't do that. I'm an Arkan, and I'm not stupid." She has long, braided hair and a long dress, sort of pioneer woman/hippie style. The two men are trying to convince everyone about their side of the issue. I suddenly say, "Let's vote now." The man agrees and we surprisingly win. Only the two men vote against us. Well, that was easy! So the man invites me into the next room for the dinner he had prepared as refreshments for the group. I say, "Maybe I'll take a look," but most stuff has sugar in it. I see eggs, fried, corn meal breads, biscuits, and so on. I compliment the man on his cooking skills. He is pleased. A woman on my right says something about marriage. I say I was already married once. I go sit down and my mother is there. She says, "This reminds me of when I was young and I inherited $1400. My father says, "You mean in stained glass." She says, "No, in money." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Nate is there and he's aware that I won't have a relationship with him when he is still drunk. Lucy and I are doing a play together and we are talking about the difficult parts. I say to someone, "Yes, there are some sexy parts, and the action parts we'll just tell. I'll tell the stage directions." Rochelle is there in a small car scooter-like wheelchair. Her hair is very pretty, groomed nicely. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I decide to take a nap in a pickup truck cab, with the door open. I am on the passenger side and laying on my tummy, facing the back of the cab, my left leg hanging out the open door. Some woman is with me. I look up and see that we are moving and I recognize we are in M City. Somehow while I was napping, we drove to M City. I sit up, now in the driver's seat and try to hit the brakes; they do not respond well. I steer us into a left turn, as if toward the M City house. I get out. I see Aunt Elaine and Suzanne as a child. I don't want to greet Aunt Elaine at first, but she sees me and invites me into her apartment. I go in and look around. It looks nice. I notice the padded upholstery walls and say, "My mother told me about that." I quip, "Just right for the mad house. You can bounce off the walls." She shows me the kitchen. I ask how Uncle Lionel is. I see him coming in. She says, "He's not doing well." I look. His cancer is getting very bad. She is fixing his medicine in the kitchen, saying she wished she could give him a really big dose so he would die. This was a loving and humane thought. She goes out to the living room and I pick up the plastic dose cup which is quite large and taste the medicine, which is the color and consistency of honey. I realize I'm tasting lethal stuff and spit it out, spitting many times to get it out of my mouth. I hope I didn't take in enough to kill me or make me ill. I go into the living room. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a wheelchair and going down a sidewalk. There is a man in a wheelchair that is like the deli man, mentally retarded and nonverbal. He wants to talk to me. I stop and listen while he sort of mumbles or something and I somehow figure out what he's saying. He's asking me where I'm going and what I do. I say I'm a teacher, which intimidates him. I go on, leaving him behind, knowing he would like to connect with me, but I sure don't want to connect with him. I am going to catch a bus. I get to the bus. It is tall and forbidding. The doors are closed. I rap on the door and say, "Lift" or "wheelchair." He finally opens the door. A strange stretcher-like thing comes out and we zip up; I am positioned and he starts driving. I think, "Hey, I'm not tied down," and then realize this is a very modern and wonderful bus. I am tied down automatically. I look out the window and am amazed at the very modern high tech things I see, monorail trails, and realize I'm on one too. We curve this way and that and once I notice I can see ahead where there are no rails, but we are going that way and I wonder how we can do that. I must be in the future. Big red sleek trains pass us. This is the way of the future. I have my yellow writing desk pad on my lap and a telephone. Some man sits to my left. I ignore him as I continue with my business. Then I want to put my things away, I put them in a cubby hole locker thing on the wall to my right. I stuff them in. I now have two small blue fanny packs and they both have lots of money in them and I put them in, noticing the man is watching. I hope he isn't going to steal the money when I nap. I zip up the compartment. It has two zippers, one on each side. Then the man wants to talk to me and I grab him by the throat and say, "Leave me alone." This really scares him and he gets up and goes to sit in the lap of the train driver like a scared little boy as I or a sort of narrator says, "Naw, he's not scared." It's funny. Then a little girl sits next to me, on my left. She wants my attention. Then I see a sort of scene where the daddy comes home and the child is delighted to have him there because it's someone else to play with and relate to. It was getting old just having the mommy around. She got grumpy. He's in the bathroom, taking off his pants, presumably to take a bath or get ready for bed. Now I have the little girl who wants to curl up on my lap and I try to ignore her. Then I realize she feels sad and neglected. I take her in my lap, remembering how it felt to hold my girls when they were little, like 2 or 3 years old. I pat her on the butt and leg gently as a way to comfort her. I look out the window and see a blue woodpecker or blue jay in a pond of water and other pretty sights of wilderness (a tamed city kind of wilderness). | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I see my little boy baby, he's maybe a 1 and a half years old. He's been playing with some people. He comes over to me and crawls into my arms. I hold him and hug him. My daughter Paulina is there also, and she is a young girl. It feels good to have them there with me. He needs lots of attention and loving. Then I am in a passenger side of a car and Paulina and her husband Lance are in the back. We're going to the coast for a vacation. Suddenly Lance is washing my hair. I am startled and say, "You'll get my clothes wet." Then I remember I had forgotten to pack my clothes and pills. I was so busy attending to the children I forgot to pack for myself. I am a bit embarrassed. I don't want Lance and Paulina to be embarrassed and concerned that they will be traveling with a person in a suit of sweats that are wet from the hair washing. I get the feeling that Lance washed my hair to sort of force me gently into changing my sloppy attire so they won't be embarrassed by my appearance. I assure them I can stop off at a store and buy a couple of outfits. "We can go to Goodwill," I say, thinking of saving money. I remember I can go to a pharmacist and get a few pills to tide me over. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I go to a doctor and I step on a scale. It hums and whirs and is not laying flat on the floor and I wonder if that will make a false reading of my weight. I weigh 151 pounds. This is too much and I know I must lose weight. Ellie is around with a husband like Lance. I try different foods they have prepared. I discover they aren't as bad as I thought. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a basement and there are two men around and somehow they are letting in this plant which if it touches me will envelope me and I will die. It comes for me. I back away, perhaps screaming and saying, "NO NO NO." It wraps around me and is sucking me dry. I wake up in terror and don't want to go back to sleep. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Millie is looking at a rack of my clothes. She sees a jacket she had let me use and she wants it back. I say, "No problem. I never wear it anyway." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Lydia is being naive and making mistakes like a person with a learning disability would. I feel a little embarrassed for her. I kind of don't want to be associated with her. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a small boat in the huge ocean and we are in trouble. I think Howard is with me. We are on a boat lane and larger things go by, nearly swamping us. They are so big they don't see us waving or hear us yelling for help. A boat goes by towing like a water skier, a car. I think that is strange. Now I am dumped out of our boat and am struggling to stay afloat. I am in front of a boat and I wave. Finally they see us and rescue us. Now the boat is a truck and my office supplies are in it, including my manila envelopes I send scripts in. Someone, a female, perhaps Millie, is moving the things into the house. I reluctantly agree they should be there, but I don't want them to clutter up the place. Now we have to move where I keep my things. I have an ironing board with cubby holes under it where I am putting some of the envelopes. Another library table is against the wall. I pace. Howard is in the house. I open the window and look out. I lean out. I want out. I take in the fresh air. Now I go to the other end of the room and lean out another window. It is a full floor up from another room in the house. Nothing is in the room. I realize as I'm leaning that I am laying on a sliding drawer that is going full out and suddenly it slides right out and the drawer and I are falling the full floor down. I hope I won't get hurt. I land and it is painful but I am OK. I am shocked I did that. I realize it was partially suicide. Howard comes into the room and I tell him what just happened. He does not even acknowledge he heard. He turns and walks back into the room he was in. I follow him, screaming, "I hate that. I hate it when you don't respond!" He ignores me. I go back upstairs to my room and notice the drawer is gone on that window so I can't do it again. I pace, upset. Howard is moving me out. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have two students and I tell them to get ready for the party. I go to my bedroom and go to my closet to choose a very sexy dress, because I intend to seduce the male student. I open the right side door and see many fancy dresses, prom dresses, nice looking suits etc. I choose a two-piece suit with a very low cut blouse. I put it on and it is very tight and forces my boobs up. I feel fully packed and firm. White suit, red blouse. I go out to the living room. I have a sort of wimpy, but nice, husband. I go to the front door to greet the guests. They are all high-powered lawyer type men. They come in. I flirt strongly with one of them. An older man doesn't think I'm a good wife. He comments. I walk purposefully across the room, grab him by his suit lapels and stick my face in his. I say very firmly, if not menacingly, "I have a Ph.D., I have an IQ of ___ (very high), I'm a damn good lawyer and so why shouldn't I be what I am. My husband understands this and gets out of my way" (meaning it is a good balanced relationship). Even so, I still deliberately go after this other man with the intent of having sex with him. We dive into a swim pool, fully dressed in our party clothes. He and I are in a far corner talking and he starts to get pushy and rough. I realize I'm in "over my head" and have made a wrong decision. My husband is truly a nice man and why am I messing with this other guy? I swim away from him to return to my husband. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am seated in a row boat which is on its boat trailer on land. Howard is there. Dovre is too. Dovre takes my crutches and goes around deliberately falling down in front of people so they will rush to her thinking she is a crippled girl and pick her up. I am embarrassed that she would do this. I watch her do it; she's in a dress and she falls. The people rush over, all in sympathy. Dovre is grinning and playing it up. I shrug and think, "Well, if that's what she wants to do, but I'd never do that. I can't believe she would do it." Then suddenly the boat starts rolling down the steep hill. I hang on and say to Howard, "What's happening?" He says, "I don't know." He peeks over the edge of the boat and looks at the wheels. I say, "This thing is running away. This could be dangerous." He starts to get out to pull it to a stop. I lean this way and that to give it direction, to steer it. I do it well and he pulls it and I turn it so that it must go uphill, which finally brings it to a stop. I say to Howard, "I did that. Didn't I do that well? I think I did that well." He says, "Oh yeah, that was OK." I really want him to compliment me. He's his usual noncommittal self. Now we start pushing it back up the hill. I am still in it and I ask him if he wants me to get out so it won't be so heavy to push. As he is deciding if he wants me to get out, another woman gets in, expecting a ride up the hill. I say, "Hey, we have to get out. I'm getting out too." She says, "Well, if you're getting out, then I suppose so." She is reluctant to move. I get out and now I am climbing up a narrow shaft of stairs. I know this is hard to do and I am thankful the shaft is so narrow that I can lean my back against the wall of one side as I walk up the stairs, or I would fall, it is so steep. I place one hand on the next step up and pull myself up one step at a time. Finally I find the top. I can't pull myself up the last step and I call out for help. "Help, help," I call. People laugh and refuse to help me. "I have trouble walking," I say. They sneer. I finally manage to pull myself up and I stand, brushing away the dust on my knees. I see an open room, a sort of classroom where people are seated and I say to them, "That's one more karma for you." They sneer and laugh at me. I walk on, trying to get back to where we'd started. I see a poster on the ground. It says Andrea and Mel Torme. I think I'm in a Mexican village. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Ellie and I are using someone's apartment to receive important mail, but without their permission. Ellie hired a taxi driver to park and wait for us, then she put on a fake gray beard, a long one, and went up to get the mail (like Social Security checks or something). She comes out and she pays the taxi driver who held the parking spot for her. The next time, we go up together. We are in the apartment when unexpectedly the family returns. We are embarrassed and worried and try to leave as quickly as we can. They don't seem to care or notice anything is unusual about strangers being in their apartment. We leave quickly before they figure it out. I go to an elevator, and Ellie says they are only displays. They don't really work. They are like snack vending machines. Now we have to go down the stairs and there are 66 flights of stairs. We start going down. It's a long and difficult walk. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am standing on the stage and playing a trumpet. I have an unusual style of playing the low notes that makes my playing unique. It just happens to be the way I can play, but people love it. I play a song called Love is a ____, some sort of sad thing, as an encore. I love the sounds of the warm applause and bask in it, knowing it's a form of love and there is no one for me after the show, but somehow that's OK. There is a talk with audience members after the show in the downstairs Studio One room. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Some cousins and I go down a hall to see a small cubicle at the end of the hall where my parents have moved some of their things to store. They have put up pictures on the wall and knick knacks and it's like a tiny, crowded living room. Their regular living quarters are a long way back down this hall. I guess they needed extra storage space. I look at the pictures. I see one and pick it up off the sort of "plate holder" contraption holding it up. I then see the holder is a series of figurines my mother had made years ago. One is the wicked witch of the west, out of clay like her little pilgrims she made. I see it is her face on the little figure. I laugh. I show it to my cousins. My father is there. I ask when was it we went to Disneyland. She says the first time was years ago, I'd just had one of the babies and I wanted to go, but I was in a lot of pain and they didn't want to release me from the hospital. I said, "Really? I thought we only went once when I was in high school." She says, "No, after the babies, we went." I say, "After the girls, huh?" Then I remember there was me and then two boys and then Lydia. I say, "What did you do?" She says I told her (the nurse) I always fight for who I am. My father said, in response to my repeated question, what did you do? that "She nursed her," meaning the nurse nursed her to ease the pain (meaning somehow removing milk from breasts). Now I go into a tiny room next to this tiny room, which is Dovre's bedroom. I am looking at the shelves of boxing gloves and things like that she has. She's in the armed services. Three men from her unit come in. One is a black man. He says to her -- my back is to him as I'm looking at all this sports equipment -- he says, "I'd like to talk to you, Fever, alone, in private." I say, "Well, then I'd best give you some space to be private, FEVER." They step out of the room, expecting Dovre to follow. I say, "No, I'll step out, it's your room after all." I go out. I tell my parents of the incident, only this time my mother is white and my father is black. Or maybe they are Dovre's parents. They look worried like maybe she'll choose a black husband, because that's what she had as a father (Dovre looked completely white.) Now we've moved on somewhere, and are walking. A woman is standing by the path, gesturing to us to look. Dovre says in awe, "She's dripping in gold." She has a number of gold chain necklaces on she is trying to sell. This completely fascinated Dovre. I feel her being drawn away to this. I am worried. Now it's sort of cowboy days. The black men come back and harass us. He says, "Go ahead, hit me." I say, "No, I won't because that's what you expect." Now he's grabbed me and holding me close to him belligerently. My knee is right up against his balls. He says, "Go ahead, kick me in the balls." I'm tempted but say, "No, that's what you expect." I then push him down on the ground somehow and say, "But I will eat your face off," and begin to bite him ferociously. This surprises him and it hurts him and (I think I got him down by stepping on his foot hard with stiletto heels). Now he's not protecting his balls so I knee him there. Just as I thought, he had a plastic protector on. He laughs and says, "See, no balls." I say, "I knew that." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am rehearsing a play and asking the dancer, actors to do a bit where they line up against the wall and dance. They do it, but I see they are invisible through the entire dance until the last musical riff, and then I see sparkly lights where their feet are, and then I see them materialize. I do this several times, really mystified as to why I can't see them. Then I realize, "Oh, black light." I then run and look up on the ceiling and see a small light fixture and know that's where the black light is coming from. I say pointedly to the people in the production booth up by the ceiling, which I cannot see, "Hey, wiggle the light up and down." They don't. Now I go stomping across the floor, I gather up papers and head for the boss's office. I snag a woman actress, I yell up at the producers, "Get down here now, we're having a meeting. I'm going to blow the whistle." We get to the boss's office. I hear him in there talking to someone. A young man comes in and I say, "The other one too." He goes back out the door to get him. I glower at the young woman. The man returns with another young man and I say, "OK, him too, but I really meant Merle." "Really?" says the guy, surprised, "I thought sure you'd want Bob, what with our outrageous ways of producing." I say, "Get Merle. Merle. (Rob Reiner) comes in. He says, "What's up?" I lean into him as he sits on a table top and say ominously, "Someone's going to be out of a job." He assumes it's him and gets up saying, "Might as well take a walk." He leaves. I realize then he misunderstood and thought I was accusing him. I hope he comes back. The boss comes out and I say to him, "I want a few minutes of your time, it is important, very important, underline important!" He agrees and says, "Just a minute." He leaves, I assume to the bathroom. I realize I need to pee and lay my papers down and say, "I'll be right back." I go out to the hall and see a door to the right. It has a long metal stick for easy wheelchair access on the door. The word Jail is printed on the door. I wonder what that means. I go in to pee and then I wake up, thinking, "Might as well not bother, I need a real toilet." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Lucy Ball and Desi Arnez are very, very old and she is wrinkled. I see a closeup of her face. She has heavy oldness makeup on. Her nose is like the gnarled, twisted juniper tree trunk in shape. Her eyes are very human and sad as they peer through the makeup. Then I see a second pair of eyes, small and close set under that sad pair. I wonder which pair is really her. The gist of the feelings is that they really still love each other and are trying to get back together. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Valerie is very pregnant and we are talking. I am stirring something I am cooking for the little girl. It is boiling and frothy. I decide to pour in some cold water and when I do, the level of the froth sinks and it is now just a small amount of stuff (like oatmeal) on the bottom of the pan. Valerie is now very upset with me. She says this will cause her to lose the baby. She thinks I did this to make her lose the baby, the metaphor being her belly all big and round then becoming flat and empty like the concoction in the pan. I am sad and cry; I beg her to believe me. I didn't do it to harm her baby. I was trying to make this good thing to eat and it just worked out that way. I put my hands on her arms to reassure her. She pulls away from me angrily. I cry and cry. I follow her, begging her to believe me. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in an elevator and can't seem to make the thing go where I want it to go. I push a button and we go up or down but I never seem to get to the bottom floor which is where I'm headed. The floor of the elevator is a metal plate that on one floor is securely bolted down and on another floor slides over to another part of the elevator. I get out and ask directions. I go back in and finally get it down to where I need to go. A man comes in. I ask him where the hydrodrone, no the hydro, the water therapy is. He says, "Right down the hall." I say, "Do I turn to the left?" He says yes. He walks with me. I see a young girl throwing a temper tantrum. I know she won't get what she's after because she's being so dramatic about it. Then I lay down on the floor and sob and sob. I feel very sad. He lays down to comfort me. I am in a sexy black outfit with garters and lace and am in a fetal position, butt in air. The man is obviously attracted to me and that is why he consoles me. I wonder if I won't get what I need because I'm making such an emotionally big deal of it. He assures me this is different. I really am feeling the feelings and therefore it's OK to express them. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a large meeting room. The dream group is there and we are sort of reading a handout about dream work. I find it very interesting. I am on a bench. We are all seated on this bench against the wall. I am on the left end. Tony comes over and squats next to me on the left side. We talk. He is saying something about a woman he likes or is considering for relationship, but there are some things she's going to have to learn if it's going to work out. He hopes she learns it because he is lonely and would like to have a relationship. I commiserate with him. I let him put his hand on my arm and am aware that I feel fairly relaxed about this close contact. I feel empathy for him as I would like a relationship also. I make a comment that I've had some dreams that are pertinent to the material we are reading and would like some help working them. The group calls on the writer of the material to come and work with us and my dreams specifically. He comes. It is Jeremy. He sits on the bench several people to my right and I realize that he has made a special trip over just to work on my material just because I requested it. I feel some guilt around that, taking up all the attention and the time. He and the group seem just fine with it. It is my problem that I am feeling guilt. So I stand to start telling some of the dream material. I turn to face the people on the bench and see at the far right end (now the left as I am facing it) a double door, open to the church area. I see a huge black spider on the door and feel queasy. I look in and see an identical spider on the yellow sign on the curtain behind the altar. This seems scary, perhaps that means there are more and closer to me. I look around and see a third one in the room with me. I see a large set of holes in the stone or cement wall at the base of the wall where they can come in. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A silly-looking man and the ditsy Corkie from Murphy Brown are in a car. He's driving. Suddenly the car is going backward and he is startled. Then it goes forward again. They come to a stop and get out. She says to him, "Why don't you go wash the bottom of that window for the owner of this gas station/store?" It's a huge plate glass window. He grumbles and says, "No way," but he does it. He has a huge window mop and sprays water on the window and washes it. I see the black dirt rinsing off and it is squeaky clean. Then she is talking about how amazing the dream was. She says, "Why don't you do it?" (meaning work it). He doesn't want to, it's too awesome. He does and then she says it's her turn to work it. She is going to put her foot in his hand and he will lift her up. This is working it. She says, "OK, but where will I hold on? Oh," she says, "by the roots of your hair," and delicately grabs the hair at the base of his neck. He says, "Not the roots!" because that would be painful. "OK," she says. She holds her foot up, it's tiny and in a spiked heel shoe. He's standing awkwardly and this is embarrassing for them to do because it's such an intimate stance. As she is leaning forward to get balance, she accidentally kisses him on the lips. She says, "OH! I never meant to do that. This is so embarrassing. I should have known better than to work a dream. What will my husband think?" She then turns and walks away from him. Now I am watching as a stream of men and women come into the house and walk back to the back bedroom. They are all dream workers and can't wait to get started working the dreams. Their family members are hanging out in the living room, several laying on the couch. One man groans and says it's his brother going in there, it's so boring and weird. They are always so thrilled and excited when they are talking about what this means and that means in the dreams, like who cares! I am so amazed because I am a dreamer and want to go to the back room, but it so fascinating hearing the perspective of the significant others to the dream work -- I'd never seen this perspective before -- that I want to hang out and listen in. Ellie comes out of the room carrying bags of her stuff with her. She'd been driven out of her own bedroom because of their enthusiasm. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a room with something, a monster or something, and the door opens and some people leave and I decide to leave too. I dash for the door and it is shutting. I struggle to force it open as I squeeze through, nearly getting it shut on my leg. I am aware I am leaving the room too soon. I should stay and work it out with the monster and then the door would be easy to open, but I leave anyway. Now I walk down a long hall which is sloped down. There are very tall people at the end of the hall. I go down there. It is supposedly my bedroom. I go in, looking with interest at the paper clippings pasted on the door. I go in. There are ugly-looking girl/monsters in there. I don't like that much -- blue hair, ugly faces. I leave this room and walk down the hall. A strange old man follows me. I don't want him around. I pass a hall that branches off to the left. I say, "You go there," meaning it's more appropriate for ugly monsters to go there. I look down the hall and shudder. I'm glad I'm not going down there. I walk straight ahead to the good room. Hasani greets me. She's going to work with me, like a counselor or masseuse. I'm glad I finally got here. We go in. I lay down on a couch/bed on top of a man. He's a stranger, there for the same reason I am. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a bedroom, kind of like Grandma Agnes'. I look at my breasts and notice I am wearing two bras, my normal one and a very strange one that makes me look like I'm wearing those armor breastplates Viking opera singers wear. It makes my sweater really stick out. I decide this looks silly and want to take it off. I have some trouble getting it off. Now I'm trying to do the clasp on my regular bra and notice it's been changed and I don't like that. I was used to how easy it clasped before. I am annoyed. Now my father is saying we should go see the old homestead (meaning the new house). The feeling is like we're wasting time playing around here, we need to get on to business. Now I am in a house high in the mountains. I look out the window and see a range of mountains, and see in the distance smog, brown, hanging over the mountains. I say, "But it's not so bad," feeling relieved. Then I look again and see clouds of red radioactive-like stuff floating past. I see one coming near me and over the house I'm in and then it passes, but that was close, and I don't like it. I notice the bottom of the cloud looks white, clean and fluffy, and the top is red and dropping bits of the grudge off into the air. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am on stage, talking with a talk show hostess. I am seated in an armchair. I am parallel with the audience, rather than facing them. As I talk with the hostess, the audience warmly applauds my remarks. I am talking about disability awareness, people not seeing me for who I really am, but responding to the image of disability. As I realize the audience loves me, I turn a bit more toward them. The show is over and I stand and walk to the edge of the stage to take my bow. They are wildly cheering. I have to work hard to get around the posts and curtains to get to the edge of the stage. Even then the audience seems seated far back. There is lots of distance between them and me. I go off stage to the wings. Richard L and his younger brother are there, sort of my managers. One on each side, we walk out, talking about our next gig, and am surprised at the warm response of the audience. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am walking and looking for my hotel. I look ahead and see an underpass bridge of a freeway. It is huge and cement. I suddenly remember there was an earthquake yesterday and maybe it would be dangerous to pass under this huge structure. I hesitate, afraid and not wanting to be stupid and just go, regardless of danger. I watch and see that other people are walking under it and decide it must be OK, then. I walk under it and no problem. I now can't seem to find the hotel I'm going to. I walk around, looking. It should be on this block, on the right. It is yellow. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am camping out with a couple of men and their boys. The other wife didn't come, so I sit alone while the men go out hiking or something. I sit rather bored on a log or something. I lay back and notice the sky. On the left side, it is twilight and an occasional star. On the right side, is a black sky filled with stars. I wonder why that is and look back and forth at the differences. I then see on the right side that part of the difference is there are lots of cloud-like things which is the Milky Way. Now the men come back with the boys and are cutting up a big meat loaf into strips and squares to eat. I say to one of the men that I wish his wife Irene were here so I'd have someone to talk to. Then I look up in the sky again and see ducks, lots of them flying by, big adult ducks and lots of baby ducks. One duck attacks another and bites it. I realize they are very hungry. I want to feed the baby ones and get some bread and crumble it up. Some adult ducks land and eat and then a baby duck comes down and sticks to a wall. I go over to see it and notice it is a piece of cardboard folded in half and I open it to see a purple colored jewel and realize these ducks aren't born yet. This is their embryo in this jewel-like thing and they are still growing and forming. I regret having called them down and try to send them back on their way, hoping I haven't caused them any harm. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am hanging out at school. I am with Bonnie and Mateo. We pay some money to sit in on a language class. It's a French class, I think. The kids are reciting the words and we try to join in. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I see Claude coming down the stairs carrying a board and on the board is Gene D. and another JD from high school. I feel sorry for him, what a burden to have to carry. It is a hard job to do. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am still in a school and someone says they are holding the masters exam in drumming. Someone mistakes me for a Master's student and says, "Come on, you're next." On a whim, I decide to try it. I wear green and yellow sweats (UO colors) and brush my hair up into a weird male pompadour hairdo. I go in, and up on stage. I bang away on chairs, drums, walls, anything around and the rhythm is quite good. I hope they don't ask me any theory questions; I wouldn't know them. I think about what a 16th note would be like. The audience loves me. They think I'm a guy and they cheer wildly for me. They are far back in the auditorium. I walk down a side ramp or stairs toward the front of the stage. I see the head of a professor, but not his body. I guess the body is behind a wooden door, partition, at the front of the stage. I am a bit arrogant. Later, I wake up and then fall back into this dream. Only this time, we are in the next morning and we have to have our pictures taken. I am wearing a sexy black strapless dress that curls provocatively over my full breasts. I look down and notice my nipples are showing and try to readjust the dress. I head for the bathroom and some woman says, "Don't forget, don't eat or drink anything before the pictures" (like a nurse would say before a test of some kind). I say, "But I can go pee, right?" She agrees. I go in and try to pee, but can't. A woman opens the door and closes it. I get up and go out, headed for the stage area. I want to hurry and get the picture over with so I can change into my drummer suit (male) and play. I again notice my nipples are showing and readjust. I think, "Maybe I should change now. It wouldn't do for my mother to see me dressed like this." I joke, "Maybe I should hold my hands like this," over the breasts to cover them; it looks silly. The woman comedian from the community college is there and saying she just can't do this. She's going to give up and not do a picture. I shrug, a quitter. Oh well, it's her choice. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in bed, taking a daytime nap, curled on the bottom right corner. The bed is next to a wall with a window. I sense someone coming into the room and laying down on the bed with me. I wonder who it is and then as that person readjusts their position, I roll back into them so that we are now in spoon fashion. I know this person is a woman and wonder if it is Dora or Ellie. I feel a bit uncomfortable about it and then decide to just relax and not worry about it. What will happen will happen. She leans into me and sweetly caresses my hair and kisses me once on top my head like someone would do for a baby or a dear friend. I do not respond, but feel loved. She gets up and leaves. I sit up and look out the window and see a cafe outside and wonder what it serves to eat. It could be fun eating in a place so conveniently near home. I see bears, like Russian circus bears, and call to my daughter to come look. Now I go outside to see the bears. One comes near and rolls over as though it wanted its tummy rubbed. A woman goes over to do that. I warn her to be careful, these are bears and could still be dangerous. She rubs her scruffy, fuzzy, slippered foot on the bear, who rolls back over and growls and starts to bite her foot. She backs off, afraid. I go to distract the bear by making noises. I am aware I do not want to put myself in danger just to save her. A man passes by and pushes the bear and it goes off and away. I notice we are on a beach and the ocean looks inviting. My girls want me to be in the boat with them, and as I am trying to climb up the side of the boat to get in, they speed it up and head for deeper waters. At first it is playful and then more serious. I say over and over, "Please wait until I get in." This could get dangerous. Finally I am in. They are sort of surfing with the boat. We'd go up a wave and surf down the curl. It is scary and I don't want to do it, but as it repeats, I start to get used to it and enjoy it. Then I see we're still in the bay or protected water. I look over and see the real ocean, dirty with oil drilling crews and huge, hard waves. The girls want to boat in it and I decline, saying, "They are working here. We'd only get in the way." So we go on down the shoreline and then the water gets deeper and a wave comes up to my waist. I am clothed and all wet. I look behind me and see it's big waves coming. I look ahead, on down the shoreline, and see we're being funneled into a slooshing thing which could get dangerous very fast. I try to find handholds on the now high bank we are near. I wonder when the open beach became this wall of dirt and tree roots. I find a way up and call out to them. They announce they also found ways up. I crawl up, ripping out rotten boards to reveal a roadway up there I could get to. I pull and struggle to get up there because the waterway is getting very scary and dangerous. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am part of a three-person gang that is going to rob something. We all have guns and are walking down a huge field, like a park or football field. Lots of plain clothes cops are around. They have us surrounded (like in Dog Day afternoon movie). One follows behind me, harassing me. I turn and threaten to shoot him, yelling at him like Al Pacino did in the movie, "Don't come any closer, get away." I see men with guns drawn in front of me, backing up as I walk forward. I don't see much hope of getting through this alive. The man behind me has a rope and he tries to coil it around me and I yell at him and get away from him. I then say, "I need to use the bathroom." He suggests I use the one in the room just ahead of me. I peek in and don't see a toilet. I tell him this won't work. I leave the room. My two accomplices are off somewhere doing their part of the robbery. I then go off somewhere and put on a disguise. I am aware of how close the trigger is to being pulled. I worry I'll accidentally pull it and hurt somebody. The trigger is warped or melted in an odd shape. I see one of my accomplices and ask what I'm supposed to be doing. He says, "Get the wire cutters and cut the fence." I say, "Near the van?" He says, "Yes." I go there, realizing the disguise is working. I could just walk out of there, but they catch my two friends, so I give myself up to be with them. I feel a little sad. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house and the little boy is playing with lots of war toys. I decide this is not good and I go into his room and start to destroy the toys (millions of little black plastic soldiers) by stepping on them. That's too much work, so I think them all away. The little boy is upset with me. I know he'll get over it and find more wholesome toys to enjoy later. Now a neighbor lady comes by to visit. Then I go down the hall and into another room. I hear someone calling to me and I look into yet another room. A tiny fuzzy black and yellow caterpillar is talking to me. He says, "I know what I want from you." I say, "What?" He says, "Allocates and a movie." I think that's a great idea. We can give each other allocates and feel good. He says, "Look at this." I look and he causes his furry head top to bush out. I laugh, it's so cute. He does it again. This time I say, "Wait, let me feel it." I reach down and put my hand on his head and wait. He bushes out again and I laugh. It tickles and is soft. Then I go into another room, thinking it's been awhile since we've done anything special together to feel good. Then I hear him saying to another woman, "What I want from you is a good cooked meal." I feel jealous. He didn't ask that from me. Then I know this is fine because he can get what he wants from different people and each can give their best thing, and no one gets overly strained. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am somewhere in a house and someone, maybe a dad, comes in and asks why aren't I already out there, maybe going swimming. And I say, "Maybe I'm afraid to go out there." I am sort of like Goldie Hawn in a weird black swim suit that has long legs like those running shorts. I say, "I can't go out in this." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house and a weird, surreal thing goes on. A man and his wife and their son live there. I am visiting. There are two bedrooms and I open one and see the son in there and I open the next one and the son says, "Look." I look on the bed and I see a shark fin cutting a circle like out of an iceberg. "Shark," I yell. The son peeks in and we see a baby alligator. I say, "I hope he doesn't get out." I look under the bed to see if he's crawling out that way. I leave the room. The wife, sort of Goldie Hawn-like, has her back to me and the husband comes up and playfully tries to kiss me. I am concerned. Did the wife see? This isn't right. I pull away (the dream ego is observing all this). I walk away. Now the man is sort of crazed and he goes into the first bedroom. The wife says, "We have to kill him." She hands me a rifle. She has one. We go into the room. He's in a chair (sort of like Merle's wheelchair and sort of a tank). He has a rifle and raises it to shoot me. I take aim and fire. I blow a hole in the chair and in him about belly or thigh height. He screams in pain. He then aims at me to shoot. I fire again and again. He keeps coming. I wonder if I ever had bullets. I start to run toward the door. He and the son come around to get me and as I make it to the door, I see them coming right at me. The only thing to do is to die. I hope it doesn't hurt too much when he rolls over me. He comes and I go under and I am completely pulverized. The purple gunk that is left over of me flops in the track of the chair/tank. It's kind of gruesome. My consciousness observes all this. The family won. Husband, wife, and son were all in this together. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am talking with someone like Frank from Murphy Brown. I say with regret, "I had the shortest relationship of my life. We met thursday night and by Friday night, it was over, but at least I had some (meaning sex)." They commiserate with me. I look outside to see the other people all grouped together in two large groups. The group on the left is Palestinians, Jews and European whites. The one on the right has disabled people, people of color, etc. I say to the leader of this conference, "I want us to do a circle dance and I want to lead it," because I notice that we are still grouping with people we have some knowledge of and not opening up to people who are different. So I go out to organize it. The leader thinks it's a good idea, but doesn't particularly want me to lead it. Maybe I should just be in it, not lead it. I walk around telling people to connect with others that are very different from them. A Ted Turner kind of man comes up to me and says he prefers fat people. I think, "Yeah, that's considered different too." He goes on. Then he comes back and says, "Are you fat?" I hesitate and say, "Well, overweight, some, yeah." He decides to stay by me in the circle, which makes me a bit nervous. He might like me. I am wearing jeans and walking and look pretty fit and in good shape. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | It is Halloween and I have lots of costumes and clothes on a rack. A man is looking at them and I go over and flirtatiously go through the clothes as I make my way toward him. He then doesn't seem too interested. A small girl and her mother see a lovely white brocade or satin two-piece suit of mine and hold it up to the girl to see if she wants to wear it for her costume. I feel a bit upset as it's my actual clothes and pretty, and then I see that when it is on the little girl, it is a costume. I then go to a coffee table and pick up some cards to show a small boy. They are Valentine cards and cute. Then as I arrange them, I sing "Oh Holy night" My voice is beautiful and I get confused with the melody of "Oh, Silent Night." I say, "Look at the beautiful stars." I look out the window like it's the M City front window and see a mass of stars with patterns. I realize I'm looking at an ornate design my mother made and put up as decoration. I try to look beyond it and see a dark, natural sky with just a few stars. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A woman kneels in front of me. She has a power drill and she is going to drill a hole in my belly button. I get scared it will hurt and she looks up at me like, "What a scaredy cat!" I had seen a demo and knew it didn't hurt anyone, but I still could not relax and believe it wouldn't hurt. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Some object that has the letters ABC on it goes underwater, back where it belongs. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am driving a van or VW bus and decide to park it on the side of the road. It is snowy there and I try different spots. Finally I park it in a deep snow bank and then change my mind. That was a mistake because I'd get stuck. I drive it to a less snowy area near the edge of the road. I get out and start walking. Somewhere in the dream I choose to wear black, sexy clothes with a low cut bodice to show off my pretty breasts. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am mediating between a father and his teen daughter. I'm on her side. She chooses a strange outfit to wear that the father does not approve of. I ask him what his expectations are because he is expecting her to meet his expectations. I say, "What's so wrong with what she's wearing?" He is disgusted with me for not obviously seeing the consequences she will face wearing these clothes. I say, "Well, those are her consequences. She will have to face them." She also plays dumb to get us to do her homework for her. I realize the father and I have slipped into this trap. I say to her, "You will have to do your own work now. If you choose not to, then you live with it." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in an attic room and this man is coming to harm me. I must hide. There isn't any place to hide, but I see a pile of clothes and newspapers and burrow under them. I think this is pretty obvious and worry he'll find me quickly. He comes in, tall and big and scary. He looks for me. He stands right next to the clothes. I lay there motionless, hoping. Then as he turns his back, I slide even further down until I'm under the floorboards in a tiny layer between two levels of flooring, again in a tiny, confining space, a box, a coffin. He looks out the window, wondering if I had gone out on the roof and decides I wouldn't do that; too scary. He leaves to go look for me downstairs. I go out the window and up on the roof. It is scary and high. I see a neighbor and mouth to them, "Get the fire department," thinking they could rescue me. I worry they'll come too close, not understanding me, and he'll get that I'm on the roof before help arrives. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have sex with a man. It is driving and many orgasms, but there is no sense of sexual pleasure. Even the orgasms are simply painfully sharp waves that force their way through my abdomen. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am now married to the bad man. We've had sex and now a child. There is actually some pleasantness around the marriage and family scene, although I am amazed I can feel anything but repugnant and displeasure around him when I remember the past. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in bed next to Merle and we sweetly hold hands and talk like friends. I get up to get ready to go to the beach with Ellie. I'm choosing what to wear. Later I am standing in a bookstore in France, and a man stands near me. I really like him and it is mutual. We are like lovers before we really become lovers, that warm beginning of a love relationship. We look into each others' eyes and smile. He shows me where the small section of books in English are. We are in the political (said in French) section of the store. I say, "I'll be curious to know what they consider political." I laugh at the book I look at. "This is political??" We stroll on down the aisle. He and his business partner are going to buy this place. I look around and say, "We could rent out these spaces and people could build gardens and we could gain from their labor." It all seems fair and equitable. We provide the space and they pay a rent. We go into another room. I ask where the freezer room is. He points it out to me. I look in. It is empty and cold as a freezer room should be. I am pleased. I say, "They can buy a half a beef from us and pay us to cut it and wrap it and freeze it here." I see stairs and we walk up to the second floor. It is only partly done, partitions marked on the floor where the previous owner wanted to build. He's run out of money and declared bankruptcy. That's why we can move in and buy a good bargain so well. Our money and energy will finish the project. I feel a bit sad for him, but maybe he can join with us in some way to be a part of this project. The other man asks, as I am saying I'll do this and that with the space, "Well, what about us? What will we get?" I say, "Anything you want. Name it -- what spaces -- and they are yours." It is a pleasant relationship. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am underground in a rock hallway, tunnel, and suddenly think, "Oh, what if there were an earthquake and I was here. I'd be killed." I start to feel afraid and then I resolutely think, "But there isn't, and let's just hope there won't be." I walk on. I see the stairs and the elevator and choose to walk up the stairs. It is some work, but it is OK. I get to the next floor and look in a door; I am going shopping. The door opens into a huge classroom. I peek in and think, "Well, this isn't the store," and go on down the hall to the next door and look in. The store is there, aisles and aisles of products. I go in to shop. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I had sent a book I wrote to the library to be copied and they sent it back. It is a big scrapbook where they cut out each page like newspaper clippings and matted each section with mats that were artistically cut in the shape of human forms lying down and fish. They added little pictures and things that enhanced the story. I am enchanted with it and show it to Ellie. I see she might be bored and I say, "Really it will just take a moment I want you to see this. They did such a great job." I admire and exclaim over each page. A man comes to the door and I am happy to see him. He was responsible for getting me connected to the library and I hug him delightedly. We sort of stumble around a few steps because I am so enthusiastic. I say, "I have to thank you and the library. I'll send them a letter of course, but I want you to see the wonderful job they did." I shuffle through a few pages and can't find at first the examples I'd been looking at. I see one where the prince is standing in confrontation with the spy, or the bad guy. He uses a staff that changes into a snake. It is an obvious confrontation of good and evil. The next picture shows the spy on a cloud, a mushroom cloud up in the sky, and I laugh and say, "Obviously, they all saw Aladdin!" Their spy looks like from the Disney Aladdin movie. I say, "Look at the base of the waterfall," then I look again and say, "No I didn't have a waterfall in my story. It's a mushroom cloud." The pages are in those plastic sheet protector things and in a notebook like my Evangeline stuff. The rings have fallen open and some of the pages are out of sequence and not securely in place. I'll have to fix that later. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I scold a man who is cold to a child. I call him manipulative. I say, "This is painful to the child." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a wheelchair and decide to go out the front door of this hotel. I open the door and a car is parked right by the door. I ask someone to help me and I get out of my chair and get into the passenger side of the car. The other person then takes the wheels off the chair and folds it and puts it in the car with me. I thank them, shut the door and now transfer over to the driver's side of the car and open that door. I pull out a tool and reach for the parts of the chair to reassemble it. I was using the car as a transition to get to the driveway so I can continue on. I realize I am making a lot of work for myself. There must be an easier way. I start to sew the button on a sweater, which is putting the wheels back on the chair, sort of. One side of the sweater is pink and the other side is blue (like reversible). The button is big, white and thick. This is going to take lots of time and energy. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A man kisses and caresses me and I pull away, experiencing the painful sense of repulsion and knowing there is a deep need underneath all that. I walk away saying, "Don't. No," hoping he doesn't tap into the deep well of sexual feeling and I will lose myself in it and will not be able to resist. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I've moved to a new town. I do something with videos. A good-looking man named Claude who is a para wheels up. I am walking. I like him very much. He's younger than I. We keep moving positions in chairs and so on to get closer and closer. I feel so happy with him. We are talking about a video project or something, but we are really just loving being together. He goes down a ramp and I lay down on a bench next to the railing. I say, "We start in the sea and we end in the sea. Or is it...," I wonder which way it goes. Then I decide we start in the sea, come up on land, traverse the hard, high mountains and during the golden years hang out on the high plateau. Then I couldn't figure out why we just didn't stay there until death, but decide we then go back downhill until we are in the sea again. That is life. We hop onto the bench and we are laying together. It is sweet, then he kisses me and I respond and it is a bit tentative like did he really mean to kiss me or are our lips just so close together, but then he hugs me and says he loves me. I say, "I love you too." I am thrilled. I have a beau, someone to be with. I say, "I have an appointment at 4 pm to pick up my van, it's being fixed. Then we can go to the party." He says fine, whatever, just wants to be with me. It is 3:30. I go looking for my address book to get the name, I think it's Frank, and the phone number. I'll call and maybe it's not ready and I won't have to go. I look all over. I go upstairs. It's not there. I can't remember the guy's name. I go to the kitchen after pausing to kiss my man on the way through. I look at several books in a drawer; I see a few pieces of jewelry. A woman friend comes in and I want to tell her of my wonderful happiness and good fortune. I want to think about what sexy wonderful thing to wear for the party to please him. I am starting to get frustrated about not finding the name. I see a list CoLO, the first friend I met in this town, who was also involved with video. It is because of video I met Claude, who reminds me of a young man actor I met. He is soft and sweet and maybe a bit pudgy, but not unattractively so. I love how soft he feels. I can't wait to get to the party and be with him so all my friends can see I have a love. I think to myself, "How painful it would be if he just stopped loving me. How would I bear it?" I fervently hope he doesn't just disappear or fall out of love with me. I am older, after all. Maybe, but then I go into the room where he is, all aglow, and he is still there. I am thrilled. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I enter a classroom. It's a big room and there are only a few students, all young men and a male teacher. I sit near the door and next to the teacher. He drones on. I am annoyed and bored. The men students get real ornery and mutiny. I get up to go to the bathroom. I go in and sit. Someone comes in and tries to push open the stall door. I hold it shut and yell, "Hey, hey." It's one of the men. I wonder if I went in the wrong bathroom, but I guess the men are just rambunctious and without respect. Finally I return to the classroom. A man is in my seat. I go to him and say, "I was here before." He sneers. I get angry and righteous and say, "To hell with you then." The teacher glares at me and says, "ou can't come back in here because you were a part of the men's mischievous disruptions of class." I say to him, "To hell with you. I simply left the room to go to the bathroom at the same time they all left." He said, "You were gone one hour. I say, "I had a little problem, OK??" I am belligerent, and sassy, "and furthermore, you are boring and don't know much. If you want me to stay in the dream interpretation class, you better get good." I go to the table where the men students are seated and it's away across the huge room. A paper comes down for me to sign, the roll call. The men all signed in funny markings to confuse the teacher. I sign my name "Sanders" dead center in blue ink, trying to be legitimate. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I and another person, maybe a woman, perhaps Dora, are moving into a new apartment. It is small and empty of all our stuff. The wall is covered with a blue foam pad-like substance to prevent nicks and so on. The woman bumps it and causes a big hole and wrinkles it up. Now the landlords are going to be upset. The woman trowels some putty stuff into the hole and tries to straighten up the wall. I go through the door, which is glass and wood frame, to the kitchen area. We have some glasses and that's about it. I come back to the living room and shut the door, pulling a chain to shut it. Then I look out the window, which is small and a bit high up. I see we are on the shore of a huge body of water. The waves are big and choppy. I see lots of high-rise apartment buildings along the shore. It's not all that pretty. As I watch the waves, a huge one comes up and splashes on the window. I am surprised. Another one does so. "Hey, we need to move," I say. The woman doesn't agree, "We just got here, and our furniture isn't here and it will be fine." I am adamant. I cry out, startled. She says, "What?" I say, "Never mind." I thought I saw a huge wave, but it was just a big building across the way. Another wave hits. Water splashes inside a bit. "This will ruin everything inside," I say. We have to move. So we do. She is reluctant. I am now traveling down a skinny, curvy road toward the town in a van or VW bus. On one curve we are going too fast and we nearly run off the embankment and crash, but we don't. I scream for a second and then calm down. I hope the next car in our caravan doesn't crash on that corner. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a living room with a women's group, like Merton Circle. I get up and go to the kitchen for a snack. I put a tea bag in a glass of boiling water and let it steep a long time. The other women come in and offer to help me. I refuse their help because I am doing fine. I go into another room and there is a baby. I touch her hair and it's coarse and nappy. Someone says, "That's an Asian baby," and I say, "No, black." I then look and see she has Asian slant eyes. I amend my opinion and think she is Asian with an American soldier black father. I like the baby and play with her and pat her hair. Now Dwight comes to me and says he's drunk, so he won't help drive home tonight. I realize that means it's my father and me and I feel tired. I feel a bit resentful, but I'm also glad he was up front about his condition. Dwight then says, "I was supposed to go over to Sonja's house and look at the stairs, to see if I can fix them, but they aren't home. Should I go in anyway?" He is hesitant. I go out and look over to her house. Aunt Esther comes over and says, "Go ahead, go on in." I open a door and go from room to room, very pleased with what I see. Each room is unusual in shape and design. There is hardly any furniture, like the 1950's abstract shapes. There are long, curved rooms with panels of breezy curtains. I see a door with a number on it like this was once an office building. I hesitate and Esther says, "Go on in." I open the double doors (like hotel suite connecting doors) and step into an empty veranda room where the opposite wall is missing, and a huge, warm ocean is there, lapping up to the level of the floor. I gasp and say, "I would kill to have a room like this." I go look at the ocean, trying to see if it is deep or shallow. I see some rocks on the bottom and Lydia goes out wading. It is like bath water. I envy her spontaneity. I don't step in, feeling a bit leery of deep places. I see there are no insects here and think that probably if it were my room, there sure would be and imagine a swarm of black flying insects. I open another door and see a huge bathtub with water in it, and a baby's tub sitting in it. It is like the adult and the baby bath are together in their own luxurious tub. I walk on down the hall and see a kitchen area where there are restaurant type sinks all over the place with water in them, and look for the dining tables. At first I think, "How convenient because the sink would be near the table and you wouldn't even have to get up to wash the dishes." Then, I see the dining table is in another room. Bummer, how inconvenient. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at a lecture thing, and after the lecture we are asked to step out into a group to discuss. I grumble but go out and try to sit on a bench and a woman suggests we go on to another room. I do, but think maybe we'll get left behind in the backwash in this room. I lay down on a bench and the man comes in to lead the discussion. He asks some questions. I answer a question and a man says, "But that's discriminatory," as an answer to the question. "Say more so I understand," I say because I didn't answer that it was discriminatory to the disabled. He repeats the question. "If a package of benefits were announced as available to the disabled, would that be discriminatory?" I say, "No, it wouldn't because if you had said you are disabled, go get the packet, it would be, but because it is offered in general and a person chooses if they consider themselves disabled, it isn't." The man agrees, I was right. I sigh relief. It would be embarrassing if I hadn't got it right, after all. The second question is about counseling. I raise my hand and say, "That will be easy, I'm a counselor." Another woman on another bench says she is too. Then I need to go across town on the lunch break and get something. I get in a small sports car convertible and am driving. I change into the left lane and notice the cars on the left side traffic take the middle construction lane. "Remember that," I warn myself. I am in S City and feel lost. I say, "This is a small town, I'll learn where things are soon enough." Now a man in a motorcycle is on my right and says, "Got any tunes??" I say no, even though I have a car radio. "Why not try this station?" I say, "I'm new here and don't know the stations. I don't know which one is jazz and so on." I look ahead and see a railroad warning light going and decide to not stop. We are crossing the tracks when I see the train coming suddenly from a blind area on the right, and I slam on my brakes and turn around, practically dragging my car by picking it up around me and walking back. I realize I'd made a wrong decision that could have cost me my life. I am chagrined. "I won't do that again," I say. I park and the man is still on my right, trying to convince me I'd feel better if I turned on the tunes. He says, "I'll show you," and plays a Pat Benatar (or Boone song). I am annoyed with him for pressing it. I know music makes you feel good, I just don't want to do it right now, because he's so insistent. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am hosting a Tonight Show kind of thing and the guests flake out and I carry the whole show. After it is over, I go to my bed to rest. I am exhausted. Capt. James T Kirk (William Shatner) comes to my house because he wants to make love to me. We are already lovers and he is hot for me. He comes in and tells the other people in the house to make themselves scarce. We'll want privacy. One woman says OK, but she's had a hard time today. He says, "I know, the show. They flaked out on her and she had to carry it all." The woman says, "And she came home and had the chills. She may have the flu." William says, "Oh, well, if she doesn't feel like making love, then we won't. We'll just enjoy being together." He comes to my bedroom and says "Hi," and grins, implying his wishes. I sort of groggily smile. He goes back to the living room and is talking to a man when I get up, in panties and a blouse and take off my bra as I walk into the room where he is, now all hot to trot myself. I wave the bra seductively and he grins and excuses himself and we go to my room and make passionate love, to create a baby. It must be done right at that moment. The position is strange, but feels quite normal in the dream. He's laying on his tummy and I sit on his butt. I see the bald spot on the back of his head and kiss it tenderly. Later, we have children and live in this house with many rooms. I see a bedroom where the walls and floor are scuffed and wood chips flaking up and needs to be cleaned up, a dressing room with a curved wall mirror is between two guest bedrooms. In the living room down the hall is a huge gold couch with many sections. I walk in and grin at him, because it is time to make love to have another baby. He gets up and shoos the kids away. He puts an audio tape cassette up my vagina we are in a hurry because we are driven to do it at this very moment in order to get pregnant. We make love; it is great. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Ginny, the girls and I go to a school gym where there will be a basketball game I'm to play in. I see stairs here and there and wonder how I'm going to get in. I look in to find someone to ask. I see a woman in a manual chair in there and I notice the gym floor is slanted on a hill. I wonder how one can play on such a surface. I put on ski-like things and sort of skate with them. Ginny rolls down the incline and I skate after her, hitting her accidentally. I apologize. I then learn how to move on these ski things and practice. I do fairly well. Then I decide I must go to the bathroom. I go down the hall. I enter a room. I see Blake and say hi. I had gone into the gym and not tried to find the pre-appointed meeting area for the dream group. In my search for the restroom, I see where the meeting room is. Blake is in uniform, like the army, only I know it's more like a sweat suit for the games. He kind of ignores me. I go back out to the hall. He comes out and says hello. I like seeing him again. We feel shy. His wife comes into the hall, talking a mile a minute. She has two white plastic dessert dishes in her hand. I look at the desserts. They are all pink with a rosette on one. I say, "That's the prettiest dessert I've ever seen." Blake wants to see what I'd call the prettiest. He looks, but she's already eaten the rosette, so it doesn't look like much. She's talking on like a wife of many years and I feel a bit uncomfortable with the edge I hear in their relationship. I tell them about a dream I had about Jeramy. I say I was in the gym and I looked up and there was Jeramy flying around in the air, and behind him on the wall is a huge, golden, metal, round cherub face with sun rays coming out of it, of Jeramy. I tell them I interpreted this to be about spirituality. Then I see a crow circling near Jeramy, and I laughed with delight to see the dream adding the flesh and the blood of this world. Wasn't that a wonderful dream? Blake agrees. I ask if he took notes at the Jeramy workshop because I wasn't there. He said yes. I am sitting on the table in the hall, and out of the gym comes one of the charismatic leaders of the workshop. I greet him joyfully and get up to hug him. As we are hugging, I realize he is a real man and is attracted to me. I let go of him and sit down again. He says something about his 46-year-old son and I realize he's as old as my father. Then Jeramy comes out and I get up and go hug him, happy to see him. He is also happy to see me. I repeat to him the telling of the "Jeramy dream," and as I do, I pause and say, "I was interpreting the dream while I was dreaming. I do that more and more these days." He enjoys hearing the dream. He says, "Did you read," and he says an authors name and I say, "I don't remember." He says it's about the masculine as psychopath, the coyote. "Oh yes, I remember reading that. As a matter of fact, I read that near the time of the workshop where you weren't teaching it, I was having panic attacks." Jeramy and I move back to the table where Blake is. Jeramy says, "I hope you don't mind, but Blake has told me about you and him, and you two are made for each other. What happened?" I stare down at the table I'm leaning, sitting on and fiddle with straightening two pieces of paper. I think, "I don't really know." I say and think some more. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A bear in a hospital gown and wearing penny loafers walks in a hedge maze back and forth. I am playing a kind of hide and seek with him. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a playwright and have written a one-woman show. The actress is onstage doing it and I walk down the hall to go peek in to watch the audience response as she does my work. Some women laugh and then they sit quietly, moved by the emotions of the play. I feel a moment of concern that my intimate thoughts are being made public, but then feel OK about it. I try to get closer to see the audience. I step in the curtains and watch the actress doing a scene. She is swinging out on a trapeze bar-like swing out over the audience and back. I remember the actress said she's done this before. I am concerned she'll hurt herself or fall. A small girl is on a swing in the background depicting the childhood memory. There are voices of children teasing, male voices. The actress gets off the swing and almost gets caught up in the chains, but manages to free herself. Now it is near the end of the play I want to be closer to hear the response. I then somehow manage to go to the wrong audience, a group of uniformed men (army brown) watching a show that ends with a commercial selling things. They applaud thunderously. I realize I'm in the wrong place. I go to the next auditorium down the hall and see a huge concert hall and they are applauding thunderously. No, this isn't my play. I return, but it's too late. It's over. I "count the house." Maybe 40 or 50 people saw it, including some uniformed Boy Scouts. I wonder if they understood the play or if it was too painful for them to see. Now I go out in to the hall and the actress (dark haired) comes out. I say, "I wish this had been taped so I could see it. She says, "Well, I did tape it, but who is going to pay for the tape, reimburse me?" I say, "Well, I will." I feel a bit put upon, but am trying to be reasonable. Then she says or does something and I say indignantly, "Do not (either attack or hit or wallop) me." We glare at each other and she goes on to finish whatever she was doing. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am captured by the bad guys like the 1920's gangsters and held in a huge basement like place in a warehouse. I have a gun. They open the large doorway up on the wall and start shooting down at me and I aim and shoot them. I crawl up and out and run. I get in my car and drive for help. I find some of the fellow factory workers and tell them of the incident and have them call the police and then we decide to go back and set up a raid on them. I get in the back seat. A woman drives. We get there and go in. Three or four trucks follow us to cart back the evidence and stuff in their warehouse. We go in, pretending to be customers, and there is a pile of wood sticks and I hold one in my hand as a weapon. I watch carefully as they go send word for a man to come help the costumers. I signal with my eyes to be careful to the other members of my team. The men come up like in an elevator and open their doors and start shooting machine guns at us. I order us to fire and I spray them with my machine gun. With a sinking feeling I realize we are in danger and could die from their bullets, but I keep seated and shooting back. Finally I drop three of the guys, including one holding a large fiddle or small bass. Then the head bad guy grabs one of ours as a hostage and holds a knife to his throat. I drop the machine gun and hold up a rifle to shoot. I say, "Do you believe he could do it if I dropped him?" Dustin Hoffman says out of the side of his mouth (he sits on my left), "Don't be silly. Of course I believe him." I then hold my fire and we are in another standoff. It wasn't supposed to work this way. I try to think how to get the drop on this guy. It's going to be another scary and long battle. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am talking on the phone with Marshall P of D Services and I refer to another guy. I can't remember his name. "Mitchell, is that it? No, Marshall, you know that guy at D. Service, I want to complement him." There is an ominous silence on the other end. I say, "Hello? Hello?" I wonder if I've misspoken and mentioned Marshall's name to Marshall, meaning I didn't know who I was talking to, but I was trying to compliment him. I keep saying, "Hello??" Then we are reconnected. He's not mad at me after all, but the receptionist is pissed. She cut us off deliberately because she is overworked and under-appreciated. Now I'm standing at her desk and she is grumpy and complaining. She shows me all the messages she has to deal with and no one appreciates. Then she goes back to work. She says to me something and I realize she wants to vent her feelings to me. I don't have time or patience to stay and listen. She says, "I'll call you." I say, "OK," feeling a bit put upon, but realizing it's OK since she deserves some help and concern, but why me?? Now I am driving a red pickup. I am parking it in a crowded spot. There are two or three men in the pickup with me, my friends. We are here to watch a great foot race. I have piles of things on the set with us and they slip and slide around, two jars of apple butter and so on. I save one jar from sliding out the door. I look out the windshield and see we are parked next to several TV crews vans. This will be a good vantage point. Now I wiggle around and am in the passenger side. The older man is saying, "What is all this stuff?? There's no room for us." He looks into a sack. I say, "You can put it back in the bed of the truck." He peeks in and it is a huge bag of pillow stuffing the receptionist gave to me. We can't put that back there, it'd get wet and ruined. Now the pickup is sliding forward. I say "Hey, hey, we're rolling." The other man complains and leans on the brakes. We stop just short of hitting the car parked in front of us. The older man backs us up and over a bump to keep us there. We are parked on mud. "We're rolling again," I say. The younger man complains and sluggishly steps on the brakes. Then someone notices it's very crowded around us and we'll only get to see the beginning and the end of the race. So the young man turns on the ignition and drives us out of there. "Hey," I say, "What are you doing? We'll lose our good spot (vantage point)." He says, "It's not worth it, I'll find another." I get angry and raise my voice and swear as I state quite clearly how unhappy I am. He made the decision without consulting us and it's not fair. The older man takes off his glasses, but one of the little nose foot things stays stuck on his face and he smiles and says, "Let's not say mean things that we'll regret." I say, "Don't patronize me." I am angry and am saying exactly what I'm feeling. I know these are my friends and afterward we'll still be friends. I'm not so stupid I'd throw it away on an argument. Now we are on the streets. There is no parking place to be had. I look ahead and see the parade coming right at us. We are forced to turn and park on the side. My friend tries to say this is the best spot, we're in the parade. Then a woman comes up and hands me a sticker and an ink pen. She waits. I realize this is a sticker for a booth owner and will cost us $40.00 dollars if I sign it. We confer. $40 is too much for a parking space. I explain this is the area where food booths and such are set up. I think about selling my books but it's not worth it. We sigh and prepare to go on. Here we thought we'd get to park for free but the establishment was waiting for us, and our money. You gotta pay for what you do. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am trying to get on a commercial airplane to go to Maui, Hawaii. I have a paraplegic stewardess. I am loaded on a stretcher. I have a roll of quarters and want to buy some snacks. She insists I use my gold Visa card. It's more convenient for her. I ask how much each bag of snacks is. 75 cents. That's too much for a tiny bag of snacks. She says the bags are bigger. I wish I'd brought my own snacks on board. Now in the sky I see a weird, small plane next to us and it shouldn't be there, and then somehow I am on that plane and so are some other women and babies and some men. An older man is the pilot and the men, including my husband, are cruel and horrible. They take the women into another room and rape and abuse them. The children are abused. I refuse to go in and I am forced into a tiny cupboard. The women don't fight back. They give in and do what they must to survive. The man is taking us to Washington because that's where he wants to go, not Hawaii as we wanted him to do. Finally, he lands somewhere and the men all get off the pane to do a ritual something. Maybe the old man is dying. I see some of the women go outside and then come back with bars of chocolate. I say, "My God, where did you get that?" She says he had cases of it all along. I go get a huge bar of chocolate. We are getting food and water and talking. Then we see the men are coming back. It is unbearable to think this abuse will continue. I hold a baby whose ears are terribly stretched and malformed because of the abuse. She looks like Dumbo the elephant with her ears. I say, "Who will stop them?" A woman stands with a stick. I join her with a stick. The man comes to the door and he wants in. We poke him with the stick and make him stay outside. This angers him and he sneers and slams the door shut and locks us in. I say, "We have no water. Someone get water." The men are swarming toward us. I get in the pilot set and turn on the ignition. The propellers cough and get caught in the hair of the old man and then it breaks free and I yank on the steering wheel. I hear the men laugh, "She doesn't know how to fly or land." They are grabbing at my legs from the open door on my left. I say to the women, "Protect me, get them," as I frantically try to get above them. Earlier we said we'd stick together this time and fight the men. They do help, but one man clings to the plane as we rise up I get higher and higher. He'd be killed if he dropped. The women let him in. I say, "Keep an eye on him at all times." They agree. We're flying. I hope I can find a place and hope I can land safely. I think for a second about the men, feeling mean for leaving them helpless on the island. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house and changing clothes. I find a reversible pair of jeans and put them on with the pretty lining side up, floral pink and white. My father comes in and says, "You should take your pretty glass case bookshelves." I hesitate, I don't want to take a lot of my old stuff back home, that's why I left it here, but I reconsider. The glass case is very pretty. I agree to do that. Lucy comes in and I say, "I'll be taking back lots of my books and things, I'm packing them." She nods and we go get on the boat, which is like a big hotel. Someone brings books to me and says, "Shall we toss them?" I see a set of big red books that are language books. I regret giving them up, but it's true I haven't used them in years, and if I need them, I can go to the library. I agree he can throw them overboard. I go into my room, and put things away. The captain of the boat is male and somewhat scary. He's trying to get my money and things. I go out on the deck and watch as we start going through the water, a big lake. Then I see Lucy didn't make it on board; she is swimming to catch up, she and her girl child. I yell encouragement to her. She can't reach the ring on a chain at the end of the boat. We are speeding up and she'll be hurt or left behind. I throw out another donut ring like thing (a lifesaver thing). She catches it but leaves her child behind in the form of a small frame with the child photo in it. I see this, hesitate and then dive in, thinking to myself this is stupid, now you're in danger. But I retrieve the photo frame and get back to the boat. Now to get on I must crawl through a tiny plastic covered port hole with a garbage disposal thing in it. I push the shredded salad fixings into the garbage disposal to get room to get through this I try several times. Finally someone on deck, a naked woman, helps me up through this. Now I'm on deck and Lucy sneers at me for being so stupid to dive in when it was unnecessary. She had the photo; it was just an empty frame floating in the water that I retrieved. Then I see some women I knew in Germany and go to talk with them. I look over and see the river is now skinny and shallow, and iced over. We are too big for it and the captain is having a hard time getting the channel. We run aground and I hear the sound of the boat hitting rocks. Now I go back to my cabin. I pass a front door with a message slot in it and search through a pile of slips of paper. There is no message; something ominous is happening. The captain is after me. A boy got killed out on the deck. I go in and see some men, possibly the Captain's men. I get to my cabin to pack quickly. He's tried to steal all my riches, money and jewels but I've tricked him and already hidden them in a secret compartment in my purse. Now I'm wearing a dress suit and heels I get ff the boat and start walking up a steep, gravelly path. It's hard going and I keep glancing around, expecting the Captain to come to me and take my purse. I pick up a rock to use as a weapon, put it down and choose another one with a sharp point on it. I keep walking, noticing other people are around on the hillside and so on. I feel a bit safer. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I see a horde of black insects surround a person and feel terrible for them. As I walk on, they then come for me. I see them surround me and I look for help. I see the ocean and run for it; I lay down on my back in the wet sand and crawl backward trying to get into the surf. Finally I get in the water and swim. The insects are off me now and I realize I'm in big waves and deep water. I see a man, who comes to take my hand. I feel some fear because we're going under. He pulls me under and I wonder if I'll drown, and then take a breath and realize I am OK. He takes me deeper and deeper. I wonder to myself, "What I shall ask him for?" knowing this is a journey where I must ask for what I want. I decide to ask him for a relationship, someone to love and someone to love me (like wishing on a star). Now we are on the bottom and we are going past booths that sell all the junk that is tossed away into the ocean, litter. I see lots of plastic toys - interesting, but not anything I want to buy. I need to go back up to the surface and I swim up and up, finally breaking into the air, and discover I am in a deep pond and have traveled back to medieval times. A village is in a meadow and a castle up near the mountains. A prince lives there. I come out of the pond and two young men come by and think I'm a lost princess. They are giving me a tour of the place. I look over to the castle, knowing the prince will come out and maybe find me. I see a deep pit where some poor people are. I say, "What is this?" They say this is where the poor people live who don't have any home. I say, "Then I will stay here for now." They are appalled. I am too good for this place, but I feel it is the right thing for me to do at this point, while waiting for the prince to come. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I watch as Uncle Lionel tries to say goodbye to us as we are getting ready to leave. He wants to share his feelings, but is speechless, as it's not natural for him to do this. I feel empathy and go up to him and hug him. He seems very, very tall, like I was a child. I hug him and say, "I know you are afraid and you want to be well and you want me to be well," (and a third person, perhaps Dwight). I take a cough syrup-like medication. I feel very emotionally connected to Lionel. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Merle calls and says that he's scared and asks if I will be home on Sunday. He asks me not to go anywhere because if he gets overwhelmed and scared about his new job, then he can call me. I say, "OK, but I might be at a meeting where you are." He says, "Are you sure?" I say, "I'll call Gather and find out for sure." I call and a man answers and I ask, "Am I going to be at the meeting?" He says, "I'll check." I say, "Check now because I'm long distance." He asks, "Where?" I say, "Wilsonville." He asks, "Where's that?" I say, "Way down the river from there." "There" is New N City, on the river. Now I'm traveling there and riding a horse and the baby burros are frisking behind. It's a good thing I can't look behind and see them or I'd feel afraid. I'm not afraid if I don't look. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a 1955 kind of car and it gets stuck in a deep mud hole. One of my friends named William gets out of the trunk and helps us get out of the hole. We were headed for escape from some bad guys and the bad guys had directed us to this road. So we decide to back up and take another route. We go cross country, like hilly scrub brush country, and come to the top of a ridge and have to drive down switchback trails to get to the valley floor. I disguise myself as a Mexican young man so the bad guys can't trail us as easily. I hang out with the men, but they start to wonder why I don't go after the ladies. Am I gay? So I make a date with a pretty young lady and put my arm around her and we go away together, but then I tell her the truth that I am a woman and ask her to keep the secret. She does. Later, the car is now a hearse, or at least it used to be. William hangs out in the back section. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I keep wondering what I can make to sell at the Saturday Market, that would make money. Then I wonder why I want to do that. Do I enjoy hanging out all day selling stuff? I don't. A man is snide and says he sells anything the public will buy, a child or sexual abuse stuff? He doesn't care, as long as it sells. I turn my back on him in contempt. He or somebody is sweeping up snow or hail from the floor. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I hear or read a story about a group of adventurous women writers who lived in Alaska in the 1800's. One man and four women writers had dog sledded to a conference and were returning on the big ice pack, but the narration says that sometimes the ice pack breaks up in the big thaw and creates dangerous situations and people can slip right in and drown or disappear. I see them sledding and see cracks in the ice, and then I see that they are right on the big crack and some of the sleds are slipping into the water and they are struggling to get back on the ice. They are colorfully dressed, spritely and sweet, lively. One is named Love something, maybe melody or maybe day. I write down what I can of the incident. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Archie teaches a class of athletes and I am across this chasm in the gym in my own class. I call over advice on how to teach. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A Murphy Brown sequence where Miles is surprised for his birthday and rain in the form of silver sprinkles is poured on him. He is confused and upset until we yell happy B'day. A large and ugly man comes in. Another woman and myself go, "Oh no!! Let's dance," and grab each other and dance a silly swooping dance to avoid having to dance with him. Later I sit on a couch with my father and bend the floppy disks. The ugly man is seated nearby and I try to avoid him. Later the woman says she has to leave and the guy follows and I insist another man goes to look out for her. Later I am in a car which now looks like a crib with a man and a woman and me in it. I get out and it is a balancing act for them to readjust their positions so they don't tip over. Later, I see a carnival like thing on the side of the road and see "Queen Elizabeth" being hawked as a novelty sight. I start to go over and see her but a woman says, "She's not real, you know. That's not really Queen Elizabeth." I say, "I know," and go on over. I get up close and see an ugly, dark-haired woman, the maid, and she sees that I know her, and flinches. I say, "It's all right. I'll pretend you are Queen Elizabeth so you won't get in trouble." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Dovre and I are looking at a beautiful scene, a wedding scene in Malaysia. I lie down on a cushion and slide on it to the edge, because I don't feel comfortable standing up and walking down the stairs. There are no railings and I could lose my balance. I am intrigued with the man being married to this woman. I watch him. He then goes into outer space and I stow away to be near him, me and my small daughter. We are drawn closer and closer, in love with each other, but he is married. Finally, we sent the baby out in a little container to practice space travel and knowing when you are right side up, and we couple, like two ink pens together. He says, "This is as undressed as you can get in outer space." It feels good and I have a hard time reaching his face to kiss him. Now we are going back and I feel sad because I will be found out and he'll go back to his wife. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Now we are coming to earth and I realize I've made a wrong decision. He has gone back to his drugs and he's a teen boy now and hangs out in another space capsule, being irresponsible and taking his drugs. I go out to confront him. Dovre is wiped out on drugs also. They blame each other and I see Dovre is holding her baby and the baby is distressed. I forcibly take the baby from her and leave them to their misery; they will have to choose to come out of it themselves and I dedicate myself to caring for the baby. She now sleeps cozily on my shoulder. Another woman (my mother?) has another baby she is carrying for. I realize this is what I need to do. I need to go back and care for the baby and do it right this time, giving freely of my time and energy to protect the baby. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I'm in a room and am going to get ready. I'll take my bath tonight so the room will be available for others at the peak time. I'm choosing my outfit and try to decide which one to wear. I look out the window and see a car drive by with Jack Palance in it. Perhaps he'd been working on a movie up the road. Then another one goes by with another movie star. I relate this to a man, and I can't remember Jack Palance's name and describe the movie he was in and so on, then I remember his name. The head knight comes into the room, which is an adjoining connecting room to the one I'm in and says, "The dragon is here. Quick shut the doors." I see a slithery, huge green boa constrictor-like thing that slithers into the connecting room. I slam the door shut. I struggle to lock it. The knights are called in to fight it. A small rectangular opening panel in the top portion of the door is open and the tentacles of the dragon start to reach through it. I slam it shut and try to hold it shut. It almost gets me. Then I get it shut. He's huge and breathing and in there. We wait. The knights now go down the hall to sleep. I am a princess now, and there is my queen mother. I pace. Now the door is open and the face of a huge green dragon is in the doorway. I pick up a golden bow and arrow and try to shoot it myself. The arrow is weak. It hits its mark, but has no power. He laughs at me. I try again. He says, "Only you can kill me and only with the golden arrow." I call out to the knights. I run down the hall, pounding on the doors of the bed chambers and yell, "Get up. The dragon is here." They stumble out sleepily. I run back into the room and look to see a huge golden and white dragon, the King Dragon, it is now transformed to. He somehow hands me some small golden and other colored round circles like sparkly confetti. I hold a small cross-shaped metal thing in one hand. I put the round circle on it and throw it at the advancing king dragon. His head is getting closer and closer. I throw and throw and finally I pick up the golden one, the One he gave me, and throw it. It hits, and falls off, but it is enough. The King dragon kind of smiles, and is very close to me, and then blows a breath right in my face. He laughs because I had slain him as I ought to have and he was making a joke about being a fire-breathing dragon, all dead now with not even a hot breath left to get me. He says, "Throw it in again." I pick up the thing and throw it at him again. He is stopped. Somewhere in there my mother the queen says something and I tell her to shut up. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in my "apartment" and trying to do my breakfast. Millie has been cleaning and has moved things. I see my toaster is clear across the room and the bananas and bread are in a drawer, organized nicely, but I'd have to walk to get it. I see an old Xmas tree and decorations. I know it's four months past Xmas and past time to take down the tree. I say, "I think you should," then I notice she already has cleaned that up. I say, "I really appreciate you helping but you've got to leave things the way I had them so I can independently use the place." She says, "But I'm here to help you. You have so much space here that isn't being used, just going to waste, with all your things crowded up together like that." I am annoyed she doesn't understand that she won't always be there when I need her, and I like to have it ready so I can do things myself so I won't get left abandoned and helpless. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a room and have over $200 in cash and a woman says, "Oh, that's dangerous, to have cash around, someone could rob you." I am annoyed at her, because I'd have cash and no one cares and I wasn't robbed. A train comes very fast to the station. I stand near the tracks waiting. I kiss the track quickly like I'm sending a kiss to the man I like who works on the railroad. I am then embarrassed if he should see me. I see an arm waving from a place on down the train. A car suddenly rushes very fast past me, getting out of the way of the train. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a wheelchair and at some tourist attraction. I want to go down the path to see it, but everyone says, "No way, you can't. You're in a wheelchair and it is inaccessible." I look. It does look bad, but I don't give up, I go on down the road and discover another path, one I think I can do. I head down it. It is hard, gravely and dirt and curvy and steep. I slip and slide, but make it. I feel quite victorious when I arrive at the bottom. Everyone kind of stares at me, and avoids me. I go to the boat dock. Many boats come up, one at a time, and get tourists to take them to the island. I want to get on, but they can't imagine how I could, with the wheelchair. I get in the way of a man looking for more tourists for his boat and force him to take me. I get in his tiny blue boat, but get back out because it would mean I'd travel alone. I go to a canoe shaped boat and see a seat where the invalids can lay down. I get in that, but remain seated. I think about how I'll have to leave my chair here and then decide I'll need it on the island and think it into the boat. A young Malaysian woman sits in front of me. We come by the side where the attraction is. It's hot springs, geysers and such where the people have built what look like window frames and the shapes of houses around the naturally occurring rocks and geysers. It's kind of Victorian garish. We come close to it and I reach out my hand to touch the water from the geyser. The Malaysian woman is terribly offended and grabs my hand back. I say"What?" She says, "It is for drinking, not touching!" I am surprised, but hey, I didn't know. She says, "I wasn't going to say anything, seeing as how it is cultural ignorance, but--." I say "It's OK." I feel caught and embarrassed, and yet, how was I to know? We go on. The canoe is skinny and shallow. I wonder if the ocean waves will slop into the boat. I hang on tightly. It's a smooth ride and I wonder why I don't feel the waves. We arrive at the island and I get out and into the chair. It's a museum and I wander around kind of disappointed because it looks very American -- nothing special and exotic, just American. | female | 1960-1997 |