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57,575
Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The prince seen as a beast after marriage is a tragedy into which the romantic, ignorant girl must beware of drifting.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The man who most boldly plays up to the romantic part expected of him—reciprocating to the perhaps unconscious encouragement of the girl—is not the man who will be the most agreeable to live with.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I believe there is real danger in the sentimental view of love that is common to most girls.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
They do not know the poverty of feeling that loudly expressed sentiment may hide.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The defect of many unfaithful lovers is not sensuality, but sentimentality.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The lower types of lovers are strangely, almost incredibly, sentimental.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Such teaching as this about the danger of an over-romantic view of love will not safeguard from all evils, but it will at least give knowledge that may protect in some time of peril.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The problem of the wife infected by a husband, who becomes diseased after marriage, is one that is different and more complicated.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I have spoken already of the urgent need on the part of the wife that she should feel pity for the husband, even if she does this as the only means of protecting herself and her children.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Without this pity, men will not dare to tell the truth.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
And even against their judgment and their wish, they will have sexual intercourse with their wives to prevent suspicion.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
There is a further question that must be placed before women, and it is necessary for me to speak plainly.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
There is a question which I would ask the wife whose husband has become infected since marriage with one or other of the two forms of venereal disease: What is it that sends the man who is married to seek sexual satisfaction with the prostitute?
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
It will not do to dismiss this question with the old, unreasoning condemnation of the male and his brute passions.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
In the case of the man of average decency, it is not deliberate choice that first sends him to dissipation.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Let us look at the matter a little closer and with greater truth.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
In marriage the woman dominates more often than usually is known.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
She has the children on her side.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Undeniably the greatest function of any man in the life of the average woman is to be the father of her child.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
All other things that he means to her are secondary to this.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
For this reason, after the birth of her children she frequently ceases physically to desire her husband.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Thus the position arises that many husbands, after some years of marriage, find themselves in a condition of loneliness in their own homes.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
And the cleavage is wider than the physical needs, and extends to the mental and spiritual plains.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The woman’s life is filled with her children; she ceases to belong to her husband as completely as he belongs to her.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
She holds back more and more of herself—the vital part that he wants.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The man feels that he is losing, and, after some bluster and conflict, he begins not to care.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
This, I believe, is the history of many marriages that started with love.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The result in the end is almost certain.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The lower types of husband from time to time will break away and seek distraction in wild love.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Other men of more refinement will suffer much more, till they seek to find love with some woman in a permanent union outside marriage.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
It may, and I expect will, be said that I am looking at this question from the man’s side only.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
This is not because I do not feel the woman’s position, but because the facts I am trying to state are so often neglected, in particular by women themselves.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Women have been taught to believe, and do really feel, that by sexual unfaithfulness a husband does them the cruellest possible wrong that a man can do to a woman.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
But is the man ever wholly to be blamed?
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
After all, he has given away only what his wife has shown him she does not want for herself.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Most English wives always are acquiescent rather than passionate in the sexual embrace.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Even when in love they are unresponsive, hiding what they feel, and rarely showing their husbands that they want them with any real desire.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
After a few years of marriage, his embraces are suffered as a duty.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
And here I would re-state an opinion given in an earlier chapter: I do hold that man is by his nature faithful.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
If he has once loved a woman, he does not cease to desire her until after she has ceased to desire him.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
This brings me to the last question I want to consider.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Why does the desire of the wife so often cease towards her husband?
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
It is a difficult question to answer.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
One reason has been given already in the false attitude of the woman, which in so many cases makes her ashamed of expressing openly the passion that she feels.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Yet there is, I think, another and much deeper part of the truth that is fairly clear.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Each man is able to enforce his sexual desire upon his wife at a time when she feels no desire, whereas she cannot gain her desire unless he gain his.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
We may perhaps trace back to this cause the feeling of disharmony and waning of desire which injures the woman’s power to love.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Of course, this disharmony is not always conscious even to herself, and the man is quite unaware of the evil.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
But his acceptance of the woman’s subordination, however gladly given, does exhaust the passion in her.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
This difference in the power for sexual sacrifice between the two sexes is, I have frequently thought, one of the gravest causes of our misery.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
It will take very long to overcome it.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Only as we advance in refinement and knowledge of love can this antagonism in the sex act lessen, as the woman gains in frankness and the man comes to know how to arouse and keep aflame her desire.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
And there is here a question I would put to those husbands who are suffering to-day from the sexual coldness of their wives.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I would ask them: Have they taken sufficient trouble to understand, both on the physical and psychical side, the sexual nature of woman, which is much more complex and difficult than their own?
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The art of love is not understood by Western people.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
If we paid more attention to this subject marriage would be freed from the greatest cause that brings it to disaster.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Greater openness and sexual confidence between the husband and the wife is the first necessary step.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
But we shall never have this until we have rooted out of our moral conscience the idea of “the body as the prison of the soul.”
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I have often asked myself if this misconception of love is not the real cause of all sex trouble.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
And the remedy?
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Yes, that is the difficult matter.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
We cannot alter these evils by any cut-and-dried plan.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The expression of sex is a question of refinement, and its regeneration must begin with a movement towards consciousness.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
It may seem that we have reached no very definite conclusion.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
We have not solved the problem of venereal diseases.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
There is nothing to be gained by denying the difficulties that visit us in our sexual lives, or in talking, as many do, as though there were an easy way out.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
There is not.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I hold preaching on all these complicated questions to be quite useless.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
No platitudinous formulæ, no recrimination of one sex against the other sex, will do any good.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The wrong is deep down in our attitude towards love, in our system of education, and in the very prevalent vulgarity of our surroundings.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
It is there that we must seek for it and destroy it.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I dare to think of a regeneration of our sexual lives through education and a fuller understanding of the meaning of love.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
By education must be understood all that influences the desires and imaginations, so that our children shall be turned to seek health and clean living.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Yet it were unwise to be too hopeful.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
We cannot be architects of life.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Our sons and our daughters will make new mistakes, even should they escape our follies.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
We can see a very short way along the path of life, and often we are confused.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
The wisest amongst us are only as bricklayers, and the best can but lay two or three bricks in a lifetime.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Our work is to do that if we can.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
We can guess very feebly at the whole design.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Many mistakes must be made by us, as they have been made by those before us.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
And it may be the duty of a new generation to pull down the work that in sorrow we have toiled to build up.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
PART V SEXUAL EDUCATION _
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Wendla.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
_
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I have a sister who has been married for two and a half years, I myself have been made an aunt for the third time, and I haven’t the least idea how it all comes about.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Don’t be cross, Mother dear, don’t be cross!
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Whom in the world should I ask but you!
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Please tell me, dear Mother.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I am ashamed for myself.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Please, Mother, speak!
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Don’t scold me for asking you about it.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Give me an answer—How does it happen?
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
How does it all come about?
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
You cannot really deceive yourself that I, who am fourteen years old, still believe in the stork.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
_Frau Bergmann.
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
_
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
Good Lord, child, but you are peculiar!
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
What ideas you have!
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Motherhood and the Relationships of the Sexes
I really can’t do that!