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Europe, The U.S., And Saddam #~# A number of America's top European allies, including France and Germany, strongly oppose any potential U.S. military action against Iraq. What do you think?

Bush Sends Troops To West Nile #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Vowing to "exact justice for the taking of innocent American lives," a determined and defiant President Bush deployed more than 14,000 ground troops to the West Nile Monday.

Report: Al-Qaeda Allegedly Engaging In Telemarketing #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a chilling development, the CIA announced Monday that it has acquired a videotape showing suspected al-Qaeda operatives engaging in what appears to be telemarketing.

Jury Selection Proving Difficult In Trial Of 'The Jury Killer' #~# PHOENIX—Defense attorneys for Thomas David Skrepnak, accused in 1999 of fatally stabbing all 12 members of the jury hearing his armed-robbery trial, are having trouble finding unbiased jurors for his upcoming murder trial. "It is difficult to find a jury that won't be at least somewhat prejudiced against Thomas," lead defense attorney Patricia Wynne said Monday, "especially given the hot-button issue of jury murder at hand here." Skrepnak's last six court appearances all ended in mistrial.

Making McDonald's Healthier #~# Last week, McDonald’s announced plans to cook its french fries and other fried foods in a lower-fat oil. What other changes are in store?

8-Year-Old Can't Understand Why He Isn't Allowed On Roof #~# STERLING HEIGHTS, MI—No amount of explanation has been sufficient to make Dylan Rieder, 8, understand why he is not permitted on the roof of his family's two-story home.

Balloon Deliveryman Forced To Take Bus #~# BALTIMORE—His car in the shop, Balloon-O-Gram deliveryman Burt Girardi, 37, was forced to use public transit Tuesday. "Well, that was pleasant," Girardi said. "You haven't lived until you've sat on a jam-packed crosstown bus for 40 minutes holding an 18-balloon Birthday Bouquet while dressed in full Zorro regalia." Girardi added that teenagers today think they are so goddamn funny.

Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate softball team suffered its fourth straight defeat Tuesday, losing 11-4 to the Anchor Inn. "We were actually ahead in the second after [Sen.] Judd [Gregg (R-NH)] hit a two-run double," team captain Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) said. "But then, Anchor Inn scored six in the bottom of the inning, and the rout was on." For next week's game against Pitchers Pub, Ensign said he plans to move error-prone shortstop Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) to right field.

Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight #~# SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Moments after saving hundreds of dollars on round-trip airfare from Atlanta to Los Angeles, Phillip Walden, 41, experienced mixed feelings about the bargain $39 Southwest Airlines flight. "What sort of corners would they have to cut to make a profit on that low a fare?" Walden wondered aloud after completing the Expedia.com purchase. "Would $39 from every passenger even cover the fuel?" For safety's sake, Walden resolved to buy the second-cheapest ticket available from now on.

You Call That Groveling? #~# Denison, you've been with the company 14 years now, and you've always been a real team player. Rarely a sick day, money with deadlines, a real can-do guy in the clutch. So how is it that you could have dropped the ball so badly on this one? I thought I could count on you for some real down-and-dirty begging and self-degradation when we told you we'd have to let you go as part of cost-cutting initiatives. We expected you to plead for your job back. But what you're doing is disappointing to say the least. You call that groveling?

I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon #~# When I received your wedding invitation, Neil, I was overcome with joy at the prospect of being part of your blessed day. As one of my oldest and dearest friends, you are the kind of person whose nuptials I would not want to miss for all the world. However, as much as I want to be there when you take Beth as your wife, I regret to say that your Oct. 12 wedding falls square in the middle of the Prisoner marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.

The 9/11 Anniversary #~# Wednesday marks the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. How are we commemorating the occasion?

Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man #~# WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court cock-blocked Des Moines, IA, bar patron Jon Carmody Friday, severely curtailing his power to score with fellow bar-goer Megan Navarre. "Carmody's right to put the moves on Navarre does not and cannot be construed to supersede this court's right to hit on her, too," Justice Antonin Scalia wrote in the majority opinion. "That Carmody scored last weekend with that blonde girl at P.J.'s serves to illustrate that he's had enough for now. We will preclude the shit out of that tool getting any from Navarre."

Legalizing Pot In Canada #~# Last week, a Canadian parliamentary committee recommended that the government legalize the use of marijuana. What do you think?

Man Knows Just What He'd Say If He Met Christina Ricci #~# PITTSBURGH—Rick Hazell, a 29-year-old Pittsburgh liquor-store clerk and self-described "Christina Ricci nut," knows exactly what he would say if he were ever to meet the actress.

Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—In what threatens to be an annual ritual, Rob Bachman, born Sept. 11, 1973, braced himself Tuesday for yet another birthday ruined by the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Vice-President Dick Cheney issued a stern admonishment to President Bush Tuesday, telling the overeager chief executive that he didn't want to hear "so much as the word 'Iraq'" for the rest of the day.

Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager #~# DETROIT—Improbably, Taco Bell employee Wayne Lorimer, 28, was dressed down by manager Cal Dyer Tuesday. “I thought I was already cut down to size just by working here,” said Lorimer, a former Ford auto worker laid off earlier this year. “But Cal’s lecture about paying more attention to the proper way to apply sour cream if I want to remain a valued member of the Taco Bell family, that managed to lower me even more.” Lorimer said he thinks Dyer might be right out of high school.

Something Weird About Local Anchorman's Eyes #~# JOPLIN, MO—According to KODE-TV News At Five viewer JoBeth Anson, there's something weird about anchorman Mort Bonds' eyes. "I can't quite put my finger on it," Anson said. "It's like the eyes are looking in slightly different directions, like one is glass. Or maybe it's that one's a little higher than the other. Whatever it is, something's off." Anson expressed confidence that she will figure it out soon.

JazzFest Performer Recognizes Audience From Last Year #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Twenty minutes into his set at Sunday's JVC JazzFest, jazz guitarist Lee Ritenour recognized the entire audience from last year's event. "There's that one gray-haired guy with the ponytail and the Rippingtons T-shirt," Ritenour said to himself while playing. "And the fat guy who sits on a stack of old issues of Down Beat, just nodding his head. And there's that frizzy-haired lady with the Playboy JazzFest blanket who comes with her son. My, he's grown." After a rousing ovation at the end of his set, Ritenour thanked the crowd and said, "See you all next year."

Catholic Church Rules Perjury Not A Mortal Sin #~# VATICAN CITY—The Vatican Synod of Bishops ruled Monday that perjury is not a mortal sin, downgrading the sin to venal."God and The Mother Church will be more than satisfied with a penance of 20 rosaries for any act of perjury," Cardinal Angelo Sodano said. "Any earthly prohibition against lying in a court of law has no relevance to the holy teachings of The Bible." The proclamation comes on the heels of last Friday's doctrinal clarification that adultery only occurs when both participants are adults.

Bar Owner Considering Sept. 11 Options #~# BOWLING GREEN, KY—With the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks fast approaching, Tommy's Tavern owner Thomas Kuharski is trying to determine the appropriate way for his bar to mark the event. "I definitely want to have one minute of silence," Kuharski said. "But I'm not sure when, since the attacks took place around 9 a.m. and we don't open until noon. I'm also thinking of offering $1 rail drinks for police officers and firemen all day. Is that enough, though?" Kuharski said he may also order a cheese-and-cracker plate and flag napkins.

Keeping Kids Safe #~# The nation has been hit with a rash of child abductions. What are federal officials recommending to reduce the risk?

Martha's Mess #~# Implicated in the ImClone trading scandal, Martha Stewart is now accused of illegally dumping her own company's stock, as well. What do you think?

U.S. Fast-Food Chains Agree To Voluntary Cheese Limits #~# OAK PARK, IL—Fearful of the prospect of class-action lawsuits, seven of the nation's largest fast-food chains voluntarily agreed Monday to place cheese limits on their own sandwich items.

I Gotta Get Back To My Roots #~# Hola amigos. How you doing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been busy as a mofo.

Who Will Bring Closure To A Grieving Nation? #~# NEW YORK—On Sept. 11, 2002, Americans will sort through emotions ranging from anger to grief, pain, and a profound sense of loss. But while the day will surely be difficult to endure, it remains unclear which television network will rise to the occasion, with its sensitive, cathartic anniversary coverage helping us decide what to feel while bringing a sense of closure to our national period of mourning.

I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me #~# Waitress! Take this plate of corned-beef hash and waffles, and spirit it to its appointed table posthaste. Hash and waffles must be served hot, and I will not have my latest masterpiece of short-order cookery spoiled by your sluggishness.

Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One #~# CHULA VISTA, CA—Dave Sychak, a San Diego-area project manager and self-described "gadget freak," has been increasingly careless with his 10-month-old cell phone in the hopes that he will have to replace it, sources reported Monday.

Daughter Thinks It's Time To Have Sex Talk With Parents #~# ST. LOUIS PARK, MN—After months of procrastination, Sara Lister, 13, decided Monday that it is "finally time" to sit her parents down so they can discuss sex with her.

Desperate U.S. Colleges Weigh Emergency Bob Marley Legend Ban #~# BOSTON—The American Council of College Administrators (ACCA) met Monday to discuss an emergency ban on the Bob Marley greatest-hits compilation Legend. "The situation grows more severe by the day," University of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman told her fellow administrators. "At any given moment in Ann Arbor, it's impossible to walk down any street where there is undergraduate housing without hearing 'Get Up Stand Up' coming from five different porches." The ban would be the ACCA's first since a 1993 act restricting access to The Beastie Boys' Check Your Head.

KKK Member Struggles To Blame Blacks For His Hangover #~# SWAINSBORO, GA—Buford Anderson, a member of the Swainsboro chapter of the Ku Klux Klan, struggled to find a way to blame blacks for his wicked hangover Monday. "I believe the Nigra [sic] has conspired to hang me over with alcohol, even if I can't rightly prove it just at this moment," said Anderson, who had consumed a fifth of Jim Beam whiskey the previous night. "I done called the Jim Beam hotline to see if any of the board of directors is of the colored persuasion, but so far I'm inconclusive." Last December, Anderson blamed the "Jew-run media" for a paper cut sustained while reading TV Guide.

Dishwasher Thinks He's Mentoring Younger Dishwasher #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Gordon Polone, 49, a dishwasher at Smitty's Family Restaurant since 1991, has taken new hire Craig Garrick, 19, under his wing, patiently mentoring him in the ways of washing dishes.

U.S. Students Lead World In Detention #~# UNITED NATIONS—With one in 25 students currently in detention, on suspension, or otherwise held after school on charges, the U.S. leads the world in disciplinary action against schoolchildren, the U.N. Human Rights Commission reported Monday.

Plan 'L' Switched To #~# BEREA, KY—Plans A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K having failed, David Zenger resorted to "Plan L" in his efforts to move an air conditioner from the garage to the house Tuesday. "Okay, here we go," Zenger said to himself. "If I wrap the air conditioner in bubble wrap and then balance it on a basketball, I can spin-roll it into the house." Previous failed attempts to move the air conditioner involved a pair of bungee cords, a bag of marbles, and a bottle of Crisco cooking oil.

Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer #~# ABILENE, TX—During a trip to the mall Monday, Melissa Gilham and Tiffany Cornell discussed a fellow mall patron's visible panty line as if it were cancer. "Oh my God, look at that," a deeply shaken Gilham told Cornell outside Suncoast Video, where the panty line was first sighted. "Somebody really needs to sit her down and have a talk about that. Doesn't she have any friends?" Added Cornell: "Maybe we could chip in and buy her a thong." The pair's horror deepened when they faintly made out the panties' flower print through the woman's white pants.

Adam Sandler Fans Disappointed By Intelligent, Nuanced Performance #~# LOS ANGELES—Adam Sandler fans across the nation expressed deep disappointment in the new film Punch-Drunk Love, which features an intelligent, nuanced lead performance by the comedian. "He didn't even do his funny high-pitched 'retardo guy' voice," said college student Bradley Sanderson, 19, after seeing the critically lauded film Tuesday. "And what was with all that textured, multi-dimensional character-development shit?" Similarly let down was fan Bob Trotta: "I didn't pay $9 to see Adam Sandler wrestle with some psychological crisis. He could have at least put a trash-can lid on his head and gone, 'I'm Crazy Trash Head! Gimme some candy!' How hard would that have been?"

Headache-Relief Tips #~# Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain:

I Gotta Drop A Few Pounds #~# Hola, amigos. It's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been workin' for a living, taking what they're giving, all that. Actually, to be honest, I ain't been working all that hard lately. As you well know, I left my bullshit coat-check job for greener pastures: sitting around on my ass and enjoying the finer things.

Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids? #~# Good afternoon, sir. Do you have a minute to discuss something of vital importance? I'm canvassing this neighborhood collecting donations for the Tersbury Group. We're an organization dedicated to helping mentally and physically handicapped children here in the community lead better lives. If you don't mind my being blunt, sir, may I ask whether you hate crippled kids? Wonderful, I'm so glad I was right about you. Now, would you be willing to donate a dollar to our organization to prove that you don't?

Man Feels 19 Again After Not Getting Laid #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—Jason Pinter, a 33-year-old data-systems specialist who has not had sex in eight months, reported Tuesday that the celibacy streak has made him feel 19 again.

North Korean Nukes #~# Last week, it was revealed that North Korea has secretly been pursuing a nuclear-weapons program. What do you think?

Playboy's Overhaul #~# Losing readers to Maxim and other "lad" magazines, Playboy plans a major editorial overhaul.

Daytime-Talk-Show Mixup Leads To 1,000-Pound- Man Makeover #~# NEW YORK—In a mix-up Ricki Lake producers called "deeply regrettable," 1,000-pound Willard Hoskins, 37, was removed from his Paramus, NJ, home by forklift and transported to the posh Richard Stein Salon on Madison Avenue for a thorough beauty makeover Monday. "Let's see Willard's stunning new look!" Lake told the studio audience as Hoskins was wheeled out in a sequined black garment made from two king-size bed sheets to the accompaniment of throbbing disco music. "Wow, you look great!" The episode is believed to be daytime television's worst mix-up since Maury Povich sent a group of disfigured children to boot camp in 1999.

Woman Mad Boyfriend Not Jealous She Danced With Other Guy #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—Deborah Raskin, 20, became angry Saturday when boyfriend Kris Barros failed to become jealous over her dancing with another guy. "She was being all quiet and staring at the wall, and she wouldn't tell me what it was all about," Barros said shortly after leaving the party. "Finally, I realized, shit, I was supposed to get all mad and make some big scene because she danced with that one dude before." Barros promised Raskin that he would make more of an effort to be jealous in the future.

Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child #~# MOBILE, AL—In terms of time, money, and effort expended, local parent Kelly Sweedlin takes better care of her hair and nails than she does her 2-year-old daughter Porcia, the bank teller reported Tuesday.

Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly #~# LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it noisily "clunked" over to the second-to-last minute of Creighton's 15-minute break. "Well, two minutes to go," Creighton mumbled grimly to himself, attempting to savor the final precious scraps of leisure time doled out to him by his employer. "Maybe I should grab another Pepsi." Creighton then sighed and stared at the coffee machine for the next 111 seconds.

Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."

Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory #~# ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing."

CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids #~# HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid assets for increased quality time with his children. "If I had the chance, I would give anything, even 5 percent of my ADM options, for an extra afternoon a week with Jacob and Lauren," Mavre said. "Of course, I'd be smarter to hedge by splitting the loss between ADM and Pepsico."

Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners #~# BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners. "Rufus here is what we call a Throat-Slashing Double-Lifer," Ditmeier said while showing off an inmate to host Jay Leno. "These distinctive markings mean he's a hardcore in the Crips." The educational segment provoked peals of laughter when an Encino Wife-Beater urinated on Leno's shoulder and stabbed him in the eye with a pen.

Ask A Third Party Candidate #~# I like my new job, and my coworkers are great, but I can't seem to convince them that the reason I don't eat their homemade baked goodies is because I'm trying to lose weight, not because of the taste. They still think I'm snubbing them. What should I do?

Obesity On The Rise #~# The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think?

High-School Science Teacher Takes Fun And Excitement Out Of Science #~# VERONA, NJ—Verona High School ninth-grade science teacher Mark Randalls has a unique talent for taking the fun and magic out of science, students of his comprehensive survey class reported Tuesday.

63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an illegal stock-dumping, the latest scandal to rock the nation's economy.

The Sniper Attacks #~# An elusive sniper continues to terrorize the Washington area. How are Americans responding to the threat of random shootings?

My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking #~# I have finally put the finishing touches on my novel, Westbound 90, and though it took forever, I am extremely pleased with the end result. It's a modern-day Candide, a coming-of-age tragicomedy in which the reader is taken on a great journey, both geographically and emotionally. I am confident it will be widely appreciated, as it addresses themes that speak to the human condition and, coincidentally, has loads of fucking.

Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face #~# HOUSTON, TX—The 1,080-foot, 300,000-ton oil tanker Shell Global Explorer, which sank off the coast of Newfoundland last month, will provide a welcome habitat for many diverse species of endangered marine life, Shell Oil Company executives announced with a straight face Tuesday.

Man Doesn't Realize Date Went Terribly #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Dan Haft, 24, failed to realize that his date with Mindy Camden went terribly Saturday. "On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd have to give tonight a 9," Haft said following the date, which was characterized by awkward conversation and a distinct lack of chemistry. "It's a safe bet we'll be seeing each other again." Haft incorrectly added that he and Camden "were definitely vibing on each other."

Logo In Corner Of TV Reminds Man He's Masturbating To Spice #~# FRANKLIN, VT—A logo in the lower-right-hand corner of his TV screen helped remind Peter Brighton that he was masturbating to the Spice channel Monday. "Ah, so it's Spice that's presenting this quality softcore pornography that I am enjoying so much," said Brighton during his autoerotic act. "I will be sure to keep Spice in mind when looking to stimulate myself to ejaculation in the future."

No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop #~# VENTURA, CA—Friends of Ron Berg, the self-described "human beat box," don't have the heart to ask him to stop. "Any time we're out, it's only a matter of time before Ron starts up with 'poom poom-pkkhh, poom-papoom-pkkhh,'" friend Brian Craig said Tuesday. "But he's so proud of his 'special skill' that it'd devastate him if we told him he sucks and should stop." Craig, who has been sprayed with beat-box saliva "tons of times," said he makes sure never to sit across from Berg at a bar where the jukebox contains Run-DMC's Raising Hell.

Marketing Guru Also A Getting-Divorced Guru #~# NEW YORK—Marketing guru Bob Lippman, 43, is also a getting-divorced guru, colleagues noted Tuesday. "Bob has an incredible knack for identifying branding strategies to connect with a demographic," coworker Ann Lamp said. "He's almost as good at establishing a product's core consumer message as he is at ending loveless, doomed marriages." In the past 10 years, Lamp has won four Mobius Awards and been married three times.

You're Not One Of Those Couples Who Secretly Videotape Their Nanny, Are You? #~# Well, Mr. and Mrs. Hegan, you seem like a lovely young couple, and Courtney is an absolute doll. I'd be delighted to accept the job as your new nanny. And, yes, the salary you're offering will be fine, and I live just a mile away, so I can usually be available on short notice. I think this will be a fine arrangement for all involved.

New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man #~# KIRKWOOD, MO—Len Stavros, 46, is a whole new man since he began dating new mistress Amanda Broder, sources reported Tuesday.

Bush On Economy: 'Saddam Must Be Overthrown' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Amid growing concerns about the faltering stock market and deepening recession, President Bush vowed to tackle the nation's economic woes head-on Tuesday, assuring the American people that he "will not rest" until Saddam Hussein is removed from power.

The Dockworkers' Strike #~# Dockworkers in 29 West Coast ports returned to work last week under court order, tackling a 10-day backlog of cargo. What do you think?

Goodwill Toy Section Most Depressing Thing Ever #~# SPENCER, IA—The toy section of the Fleet Road Goodwill, with its heartbreaking assortment of soiled, broken, bargain-priced playthings, depressed an estimated 20 shoppers Tuesday.

The Tycoon Of 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive #~# In the weeks since I lost my job at Fashion Bug, I've been collecting unemployment. Now, just in case you're thinking that idle hands are the devil's playground, rest assured, Jeanketeers, that I've been looking for a job. Cross my heart! Besides, my joblessness has nothing to do with laziness. See, according to the paper, the county we live in has experienced a .42 percent increase in unemployment this year. That might not seem like a lot, but the population is pretty small, and there are no major industries in our area besides the Hormel plant, and I can't work there because I think they kill things.

2002 Nobel Prize Winners #~# The 2002 Nobel Prize winners were announced last week in Stockholm, Sweden.

Activity Made Up To Sell Athletic Shoes #~# BEAVERTON, OR—In its latest niche-marketing coup, the Nike Corporation on Monday unveiled the Nike Bog-Ramper, a light, durable sneaker designed for the newly fabricated sport of bog-ramping. "Nike is the first footwear company to introduce a shoe specially engineered to meet the exacting demands of the competitive bog-ramper," said Nike CEO Phil Knight, introducing the $130 shoe at the company's headquarters. "Whatever bog-ramping is, and wherever and by whom it is done, don't even think about trying it without your Nikes." Knight added that the shoes are also suitable for street wear.

FAA Considering Passenger Ban #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to address “the number-one threat to airline security,” the Federal Aviation Administration announced Monday that it will consider banning passengers on all domestic and international commercial flights.

Georgia School Board Bans 'Theory Of Math' #~# COGDELL, GA—The Cogdell School Board banned the teaching of the controversial "Theory Of Math" in its schools Monday. "We are simply not confident of this mysterious process by which numbers turn, as if by magic, into other numbers," board member Gus Reese said. "Those mathematicians are free to believe 3 times 4 equals 12, but that dun [sic] give them the right to force it on our children." Under the new ruling, all math textbooks will carry a disclaimer noting that math is only one of many valid theories of number-manipulation.

Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble #~# CHICAGO—A tattered U.S. Navy Captain's hat taken from a Salvation Army Dumpster adds the perfect finishing touch to street lunatic Corner Carl's outfit, fashion critics raved Monday. "The sailor's hat playfully juxtaposes his filthy Chicago Bears sweatshirt and backwards pajama bottoms," People style correspondent Steven Cojocaru said. "And when he screams at fire hydrants, it's now like he's scolding his imagined Navy underlings." GQ fashion writer Rob Vance said the nautical-themed hat makes Corner Carl resemble "a psychotic, profanity-spewing Alan Hale Jr."

Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media #~# PLANO, TX—Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing "a bang-up job" running the media. "This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years," McCullers said. "And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable."

Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Calling his flamboyant air and effeminate mannerisms "a bit forced," friends of recently out-of-the-closet homosexual Mark Glynn, 23, say he's overdoing it.

You Know, There Are Some Excellent Red Wines Coming Out Of Argentina vs. I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You #~# So, what do you think of the wine? To be honest, I thought it was a little meek. Passable, but meek. Did you happen to catch what kind it was? Obviously, it's a cabernet, but I can't quite put my finger on the vineyard. Wherever it's from, it's certainly not the best I've had.

Snoop Dogg Goes Clean #~# After years of heavy smoking, rapper Snoop Dogg recently announced that he is giving up marijuana. What has the rapper been up to since quitting?

The Preemptive-Strike Debate #~# President Bush's standoff with Iraq has prompted debate over whether preemptive strikes are a justifiable U.S. military option. What do you think?

Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand #~# LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the project reported Monday.

American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Assuming that there must be a good reason for the order, U.S. citizens lined up at elementary schools and community centers across the nation Monday for government-mandated fingerprinting. "I'm not exactly sure what this is all about," said Ft. Smith, AR, resident Meredith Lovell while waiting in line. "But given all the crazy stuff that's going on these days, I'm sure the government has a very good reason." Said Amos Hawkins, a Rockford, IL, delivery driver: "I guess this is another thing they have to do to ensure our freedom."

Man Looks Forward To Coffee Date With Ex-Girlfriend All Week #~# PORTLAND, ME—Derek Friese, 30, has been looking forward to a Friday coffee date with ex-girlfriend Kelly Lessing all week, sources reported Monday.

Starving Third World Masses Warned Against Evils Of Contraception #~# SÃO PAULO, BRAZIL—During a visit to the teeming slums of São Paulo Monday, Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua warned the city's starving masses against the evils of contraception, urging them to "be fruitful and multiply" and do "everything in [their] power" to resist the mortal sin of birth control.

Take Advantage Of Our Two-For-One Scott Tissue Special, For One Day We Will Die #~# Attention, Food King shoppers: Now in Aisle Four, take advantage of our two-for-one special on all Scott Tissue and Scott Towel products. Purchase up to 10 rolls of each. It's just one way you can save big as a valued Food King shopper. And do it soon, for one day, all will be dark. Then, there will be no savings, no bargains, only the cold, eternal embrace of Death.

New-Versus-Old Electric-Slide Confusion Blamed In Wedding-Reception Pileup #~# MALDEN, MA—Twelve wedding guests were critically injured Saturday night in a dance-floor pileup blamed on new-versus-old Electric Slide confusion. "The DJ called for the Electric Slide without specifying which, and when the 'old' Sliders slid to the right, they collided violently with the stationary, hip-shaking 'new' Sliders," paramedic Laura Denison said. "By the fifth bar, the dance floor was a gruesome tangle of bodies." In the wake of the tragedy, the American Association of Disc Jockeys released a statement urging all DJs to specify which Electric Slide they are calling for at any future weddings, retirement parties, and bar mitzvahs.

Defense Department Typo Results In U.S. Attack On Ira #~# ARLINGTON, VA—The U.S. Defense Department apologized to Skokie, IL, dentist Ira Nussbaum Tuesday following a bombing campaign aimed at removing the 37-year-old from power. "Apparently, the intelligence source who drafted the attack plan against Iraq failed to strike the 'Q' key hard enough," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said. "The 'Q' was always a little stubborn on that keyboard. Sorry." This marks the first military action taken against Nussbaum since a malfunctioning shift key prompted Ulster Unionists to detonate his Ford Taurus in 1998.

Cage Match Settles Nothing #~# PONTIAC, MI—The long-awaited steel-cage match between World Championship Wrestling rivals Violator and Psycho Sid, widely expected to settle a bitter dispute between the two, settled nothing Monday. "After all the accusations and insults exchanged between these men, I really had high hopes that this cage match would, at long last, provide some resolution and maybe even a sense of closure," WCW fan Jordan Bumpers said. "Yet, strangely, I feel like they're no closer to understanding each other's point of view than before they entered the cage." Psycho Sid, who lost the match by disqualification, continues to insist that he is the superior wrestler, a claim with which Violator vehemently disagreed.

Purchase Justified By Theoretical $50 Rebate #~# LAKESIDE, VA—The theoretical possibility of receiving a $50 mail-in rebate motivated shopper Jim Crewes, 28, to purchase a color printer Monday. "I really can't afford to be buying a computer right now," Crewes said. "But if I buy the printer and two toner refills, and save the receipt and UPC symbols from all the boxes and buy two more Pitney Bowes products and save those receipts and symbols, and then send it all in with the original rebate coupon, and the offer's still good by then, I'm looking at 50 smackers." Crewes was also swayed by the printer's extended-warranty option, which provides free service and repairs if the printer broke and he actually shipped it back to its manufacturer, which he never would.

Tokyo Squeezes In Five More Residents #~# TOKYO—Tokyo somehow managed to squeeze in five more residents Monday, when the Takashi family moved into a converted studio apartment. "This was a one-bedroom apartment housing a family of six, but a wall was cleverly constructed to create a small studio," city planning minister Hideki Kumagai said. "This was good: We rarely can fit new citizenry into our city without drilling into the bedrock." The Takashi family, brought in from Osaka's overflow, will pay the equivalent of $12,600 monthly for 144 square feet of living space.

Band Loudly Discusses Record Deal At IHOP #~# AKRON, OH—The five members of Ratchet Chunk, close to finalizing a deal with Columbus-based Ripchord Records, loudly discussed the deal at the Polk Road IHOP Monday. "We've got to insist on 60 percent of the gross," said bassist Gavin Lee, speaking loudly enough for the high-school girls three booths over to hear. "If they try to go 50-50, I say we take our demo to Dimebag [Records]." Lead singer Kris Maldonado added that he should receive co-producer credit for the album, as the demo was burned on his iMac.

Large Dependent Film Tops Weekend Box Office #~# HOLLYWOOD—In what is being hailed as a triumph for dependent cinema, Sony Pictures' A Perfect Alibi, a $90 million Mel Gibson-Cameron Diaz thriller, topped the weekend box office with an impressive $39 million take. "This just shows what can be accomplished when you've got a major studio's backing and distribution," executive producer Don Murray said Monday. "Contrary to what some in the movie business would have you believe, there is a place for big, non-character-driven pictures." Murray said he hopes the film's success serves as an inspiration to established, bankable actors and directors.

Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan #~# UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his "U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.

Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys! #~# Item! It's a week later, and everybody's still buzzing about the star-packed Emmys. "According To" Jim Belushi was there, as was TV's reigning golden couple Jane Kaczyzmarezk and the guy from The West Wing. And who ever expected to see Kelsey Grammar at an Emmy ceremony? But the real star of the evening was the host himself, Mr. Conan O'Brian, who "conanquered" any doubts about whether he has what it takes to shine in prime time. "Conangratulations," Conan!

The NYC Smoking Ban #~# New York is one of a number of U.S. cities considering a ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. What do you think?

Stephen King Calls It Quits #~# Author Stephen King recently announced he will quit writing after publishing five more books. How does the King Of Horror plan to spend his retirement?

Huge Democracy Geek Even Votes In Primaries #~# NASHUA, NH—Politically engaged citizen David Haas, 25, described by friends and acquaintances as a "big democracy geek," even votes in primaries.

I Am The 'Top Gun' Of Commercial Airline Pilots #~# I've been piloting DCs and 7s for American Airlines going on 15 years now, and I don't mind telling you, I'm the best there is. The Navy's flight school can only have one "Top Gun," and the same is true in commercial aviation. There are many great pilots at American and the other airlines, but none have the speed, wits, and solid-brass balls that I do. That's right, Capt. Ron "Mongoose" Haller is the Top Gun of airline pilots.

RIAA Sues Radio Stations For Giving Away Free Music #~# LOS ANGELES—The Recording Industry Association of America filed a $7.1 billion lawsuit against the nation's radio stations Monday, accusing them of freely distributing copyrighted music.

Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office #~# BOSTON—Ty Braxton, 23, continues to hide his fun and fulfilling life from the full-time employees of Hale & Dorr, the Boston law firm for which he has temped since July.

When I'm Feeling Blue, I Can Always Go To My Undisclosed Location #~# Life can be pretty overwhelming sometimes. The daily stresses of family, friends, and being vice-president of the world's most powerful nation can get your head all twisted up. At those moments, you need a special little place that's all yours, a place where you're safe from the rest of the world. Whether it's a treehouse, a backyard tent, or an underground concrete bunker, everybody needs a place to hide away. When I'm feeling blue, I like to run off to my undisclosed location for some quality Cheney time.

Modern-Day Proust E-Mails Friend Six Times A Day #~# RUTLAND, VT—Much like the prolific 19th-century French novelist Marcel Proust, local claims adjustor Eric Dressler generates prodigious volumes of prose, chronicling the most minute details of his life and experiences in a seemingly endless stream of e-mails, friend Kevin Honig reported Monday.