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He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

When she butt dials someone, it's an entire area code.

I just dread them

And are now fed-up

1) PUBG 2) Minecraft 3) Long distance relationships

...to find out they were in a gay dude's balls? They have one job: to be a baby, but the best they can be is a snack. Imagine your whole life you wanted to be an astronaut. You went to space camp, you studied hard. You beat the odds, and came in first of your class...you get the job, they load you into the rocket and instead of shooting you into space, they shoot you into some guy's asshole. I mean, being in a straight guy's balls can't be any better...like it's the last day of school, the bell rings, and all the kids pours out the doors and right into a sock. Even best case scenario you're target demographic is a cunt.

unfinished! and sad :(

The officer approaches the driver's side, opens the door, pulls the driver out, and begins beating him senseless. When he's done he tells the driver, "We don't drive like assholes in Mississippi." Shoves him back in the car, walks around to the passenger side, repeating the process. The passenger pleads, "I wasn't driving, why me? Why ME?!" The officer says, "So you don't say I wish he would've tried that shit with me five miles down the road."

He kept shouting “be positive” but it’s hard without him

Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?” “Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!” Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a potato in his trunks. They return to the beach, but this time the girls are RUNNING away from him. Bill waves him over. “Fred,” he says, “the potato goes in the front.”

And it all gets divided by a corona

So I stuffed her in a freezer and I am watching Tiger King

Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week.

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!." The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'." Then the Irishman says "Oi tink Oi'd like for t' see a hundred Oirish dancers all doin' Riverdance before Oi go." The Englishman says "My request? Will you shoot me first?"

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

So I covered myself in camouflage clothes and paint and walked around Disneyland.

...jokes on them. I got laid off today.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner. One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches." The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?" The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!" As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?" The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big. "6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"

Gorgonzilla

A Montanan, a Russian, and a Californian walk into a bar. The Russian orders vodka, pulls out his gun, and shoots it. Everyone says, "Why did you do that?". The Russian replies, "Back at home, we have a lot of vodka," The whole bar laughs at this. Then, the Californian orders wine, takes the Russian's gun, and shoots the bottle. The bartender asks,"Why did you do that?" The Californian says,"In California, we have a lot of wine." Again, the whole bar laughs. The Montanan order some beer, drinks it, takes the Russian's gun from the Californian and shoots him. Everyone screams, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" The Montanan replies, over sirens,"Well, in Montana, we have too many fucking Californians."

Aloofa

I saw those women, and I shouted: "Why are you 3 women walking down the street, there is nothing down there" And then they turned around and flew away... Apparently, it was just some birds

Start with a live, intact female frog. Step one: Place the frog's left rear leg over your right ear. Step two: Place the frog's right rear leg over your left ear. Step three: Extend your tongue....

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot. The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calculated the optimal firing angle. He takes his rifle, consults his calculations, lines up and fires...but his shot is too high and goes over the buck. This being a joke, the buck doesn't run away so it's now the engineer's turn. He pulls out his tool kit and constructs a device to aim and fire his rifle. He completes construction, straps his rifle in, and calibrates the machine. The engineer then presses the fire button and steps back. The machine whirs, then fires the rifle...but the shot is too low and passes under the deer. The statistician throws his fists into the air and shouts, "We got him!"

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

A rip off

What does that say about men who ride bicycles around? Or men who just walk to where they're going?

"Would you like fries with that?"

A long time ago, before work, I drove through the shittiest neighborhood I could find, looking for broken auto glass. I found a pile from some unfortunate soul that had their car broken into and scooped it all up. After settling in at work, I asked to borrow my boss's keys for access to the supply closet. I then casually left the building, got in his car and moved it out of sight, and spread the glass all over the ground where his window was. And then at lunch, as he was walking out of the building, I told the office staff to look out the window and watch him get in his car. He walks out to where his car was, looks around confused to not see his car. He gets closer. He looks at the ground and sees the glass, and I swear we all watched his soul leave his body. His head drooped down to his feet and he walked back to the office, probably thinking he had to call the police and report a stolen car. As soon as he opened the door, we were all standing in the hall way laughing. It took him a minute to figure it out, but he looked straight at me and gave chase yelling all kinds of obscenities. It was a fucking GREAT DAY!

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them! Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show! PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Bamboo

After a week of his Jeep being at the motor pool General Johnson called down to inquire of its progress. Mechanic: Motor Pool Gen Johnson: yea! Is General Johnson’s Jeep ready yet? Mechanic: You mean fat ass Johnson?!?! Gen Johnson: BOY! DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU’RE TALKIN’ TO???!!! Mechanic: No... Gen Johnson: This is General Johnson!!! Mechanic: Do you know who you’re talkin’ to? Gen Johnson: No Mechanic: Bye fat ass... “click”

Before Marriage: Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait. Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No don't even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will. Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: Never. Why are you even asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get. Girl: Will you hit me? Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy? Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling! After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

It’s a period drama.

Kinder surprise.

"Existence is futile"

Edit: un-presidented

I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

I T O U T F O R Y O U

One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet. The vet came out and said he knew exactly what to do. He proceeded to take out a hose and stick it in the cow's butt. He then told the farmer to go around and watch the cow's eyes. As the farmer was watching the vet took a deep breath and blew into the hose. To the farmer's amazement the cow's eyes went back to normal. The vet said that'll be $200. The farmer was a bit taken aback by the steep charge, but he was thankful that his cow was back to normal, so he paid the vet without complaint. The next day, he went out to milk the cow as usual. To his great dismay he found that the cow's eyes were crossed again! He didn't feel like paying the vet again though, so he decided to treat the cow himself. He began to do the same procedure to the cow exactly as he saw the vet do it the day before. However he could not see if it was having the same effect. So he called Billy-Bob the farm hand over and said, "I want you to watch the cow's eyes while I blow in this hose." Billy-Bob agreed and watched as farmer Brown did the deed. However, nothing happened. He reported to the farmer who tried it again. Still, no result. Farmer Brown was stumped, so he told Billy-Bob to blow while he watched the eyes. As farmer Brown moved to the front, he saw Billy-Bob take out the hose and turned it around! Just before he put it to his lips, the farmer yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!" Billy-Bob looked at him incredulously and said, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."

 My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.

And a Czech one, too...

They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

A farmer had three daughters each one had a date for the night. The farmer being very protective locked all three of his daughters in there room, so he could meet their suitors.the first suitor gets to the door and says hi I’m joe I’m here for flow where going to the show is she ready to go, the farmer looks him over decides he’s fine and sent his daughter and the suitor on they’re way.the second suitor got to the door and said hi I’m Eddie I’m here for Betty where going to eat some spaghetti is she ready, once again the suitor seemed fine so he sent his daughter and the boy on they’re way. Finally the third suitor got to the door and said hi I’m chuck and the farmer shot him.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

Because we all just finished a 31 day March!

Almost everyday. Almost on Sunday. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Etc. Etc.

Instead, he's known as a simp on the barbie.

A) Yes B) No C) Maybe D) I don't know E) Can you repeat the question

They can't control their pupils.

They had great Pharaoh-mones

They give 'em the electric car

which was lucky because he trod on a land mine

stand by the corner it is usually 90 degrees

But never your out stinks.

The fish got battered!

‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny

Jack was in a party with a bunch of friends, everyone was having fun and stuff, and proposed a game: *Hey guys! Let's see who can do the best bird impression!* His friends mocked him for proposing such a stupid game. Jack got pissed and flew away.

Well actually

"No soap radio?"

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence post and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says “I’ve got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I’m getting too old for the hard work. Why don’t you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they’re the best at reposting”

Entities

I once knew a nun with a filthy habit. But she was able to take it to the dry cleaners. The cum n' coke stains were particularly hard to get out. The mission was know for its cumin and cola themed fundraisers. These were usually followed by an orgy. Of evidence the nun led a boring life. Of being devoted to the missionary position.

Now he’s in a pickle.

Hoe Hoe Hoe!

If you had to choose between going on a bender with the lads or taking your partner out for a romantic dinner..... Which bar would you meet your mates in?

The guy said, “See.”

But I checked and what I was told was true though

Because they do it in five positions

"Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas" Luke ignored him and continued to to fight. But he whispers again "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas" Luke stops fighting and says "Ok, what are you going on about?" "I have felt your presence"

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok..." says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"

They can cube the number 2.

It’s just the flu.

Well, mind your own business.

And finally, after much effort and pain, the doctor manages to help deliver the baby. The Doctor then proceeds to chuck the baby out of the window. W: "Why? Why did you do that to my poor baby, you monster?" The Doctor laughs maniacally and replies "April Fool's! He was already dead."

Halloumi

I promised to take steps to avoid them.

Ancient Chinese should receive credit for toilet paper, guy who invented it was named Wi Ping.

No se

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."

Why did the artist lose the gun fight? He didn't draw his gun fast enough!

They will disappear, just like magic, one day they will just disappear...

**Defense Attorney:** Will you please state your age? **Little Old Lady:** I am **94** years old. **Defense Attorney:** Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?** **Little Old Lady:** There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. **Defense Attorney:** Did you know him? **Little Old Lady:** No, but he sure was friendly. **Defense Attorney:** What happened after he sat down? **Little Old Lady:** He started to rub my thigh. **Defense Attorney:** Did you stop him? **Little Old Lady:** No, I didn't stop him. **Defense Attorney:** Why not? **Little Old Lady:** It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. **Defense Attorney:** What happened next? **Little Old Lady:** He began to rub my breasts. **Defense Attorney:** Did you stop him then? **Little Old Lady:** No, I did not stop him. **Defense Attorney:** Why not? **Little Old Lady:** His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! **Defense Attorney:** What happened next? **Little Old Lady:** Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him, 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' **Defense Attorney:** Did he take you? **Little Old Lady:** Hell, no! He just yelled, **'April Fool!'** And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose. Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000. Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M). Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls -"*Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!*" - says the soldier in charge of the measurement. -"*No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!*" - answers the colonel. The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "*Wait...where are your balls*?!" -"*I lost them in Vietnam*"

The last present I bought for her was a really loud stereo system. Not only did the bitch turn it down, she turned it down.

What happens in vegas stays in vegas

Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!" Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!" Patient: [angry] "What the hell?" Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."

''Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years!'' ''I saw it on Jackass last night'' ''my dad did it as a kid'' ''Yes i'm sure the power is off'' ''it'll only hurt for a coupe of days'' ''see? i'm now afraid of heights'' ''you're all pussies'' ''What are you gonna do, shoot me?''

Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it! lawyer: how high can you raise it now? the man raises his hand to a very low place lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash? the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go.

She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

only one cause they don't like to share the spot light

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

He says that he doesn't like cannibalism; too stringy and only good with mustard.

to search for good jokes. to search for good jokes.

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor to get Beautiful Butt tattooed on her behind in large letters because her husband keeps telling her what a Beautiful Butt she has. The tattoo artist convinces her that Beautiful Butt in large letters may not look to good with a big crack going down through the middle of the tattoo. So they decide on a big B on each but check.After she gets the tattoo she goes home and gets ready to surprise her husband. She gets naked and waits at the top of stairs for him to come in from work.Her husband opens the front door, steps in and sees her naked at he top of the stairs. She says,”I have a surprise for you honey.” Turns around and bends over. Her husband looks at her ass and says,”Bob, Bob, who in the hell is Bob!”

Inside jokes

Corona-Iris. I'll see myself out.

Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter! 911: How do you know he was a painter? Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.