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I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great... I just kneaded the dough
I'm sorry, I'll leave now... | 578,366 |
What do you call it when gay men break up? A banana split | 578,367 |
Communism and nude beaches have one thing in common The idea sounds great unless you've actually been there. | 578,368 |
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. No one knows, they never get the house. | 578,369 |
A robber comes up to a man in a suit and threatens him... -Give me YOUR money!
-But, I'm a ... politician.
-Okay then,give me MY money! | 578,370 |
If at first you don't succeed Skydiving may not be for you | 578,371 |
What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip. | 578,372 |
What do you call a Mexican knockoff burger restaurant? Carlos Jr. | 578,373 |
I went to Art Therapy to treat my dyslexia. I don't know why they put me in a maze, but the cheese was good. | 578,374 |
A E I O U Y protest A E I O U Y set out to the streets to protest against teens dropping them from words in text messaging. They had hundreds of thousands supporters behind them. The media called it "a very powerful vowel movement" | 578,375 |
The IRS is going to start garnishing my wages. I think I'll enjoy getting a sprig of parsley in my paycheck. | 578,376 |
How did the dead Baby get across the road? Stapled to the back of the Chicken! | 578,377 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? He wanted to go to the other side. | 578,378 |
I like my coffee like I like my women Full of my own semen. | 578,379 |
So man goes to prison On the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
" What's going on?" he asked his cellm... | 578,380 |
I just read an article about a woman who killed her husband, boiled his body, and turned it into homemade jelly she kept in her pantry! It was really jarring. | 578,381 |
Why didn't the Buddhist monk vacuum under his couch? He had no attachments. | 578,382 |
I asked my math teacher if he wanted to rent an apartment with me Then he went on some tangent about needing a co-sign. | 578,383 |
What did Michael Jackson say to the Vegetables? Just beet it | 578,384 |
Natural Rights Natural Rights - opposite of natural lefts | 578,385 |
Did you hear the one about the dog who was into S&M? He liked it ruff. | 578,386 |
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopuss | 578,387 |
Why did Jack cross the road? Because he was bean stalked..... | 578,388 |
I've always been a B+ student. It's in my blood. | 578,389 |
Uniformed personnel walk a fine line between being ignorant and being out of shape. Add a letter and they're uninformed. Take one away and they're unformed. | 578,390 |
My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it. | 578,391 |
Why did the chicken cross the road... A chicken who had no business being in New York City on the morning of September of 11th 2001. A chicken with known ties to the Bush and Cheney administration. A chicken who just two days before this tragedy befell our great nation sold all his stick in Untied Airways. Where has th... | 578,392 |
What is your favourite variable? I'm not sure, It's always changing. | 578,393 |
Custer's Last Stand - the good and bad news... When Custer and his 7th Cavalry arrive at the Little Big Horn in Montana to subdue the Indians, he sent his Crow scouts out to reconnoiter the area.
They came back in a hurry, and told Custer, "Well boss, we have some good news and bad news."
Custer looks at them squarel... | 578,394 |
Paitent To Doctor Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. | 578,395 |
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said: 'Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?'
Murphy said, "I got to be honest ... | 578,396 |
Knock Knock Who's there?
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson | 578,397 |
No one lies on the Internet They told me my computer had a virus, and asked if I wanted to do a FREE security check.
Sure enough, my computer had a virus. How nice of them to tell me. | 578,398 |
What do Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common? Neither of them do Top Gear any more. | 578,399 |
Every Joke In One (spot the references) So a rabbi walks into a bar and goes
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Orange"
"Orange who?"
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth,... | 578,400 |
What do catholic body builders lift? Their guilt. | 578,401 |
You're so skiny Tom: Nah not that much. Mat: Dude you're covered in skin | 578,402 |
What so policemen use when playing snooker? A rest. | 578,403 |
Why is your cat at school? The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'" | 578,404 |
One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter... One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I w... | 578,405 |
What's Jay-z's favorite store? Bed, bath and Beyond-cé. | 578,407 |
How did copper wire get invented? Two jews grabbed for the same penny. | 578,408 |
Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person? He doesn't believe in dog. | 578,409 |
A Thai Love Story A man was lying in bed with his new Thai wife.
After great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied, "I miss mine." | 578,410 |
Gay jokes aren't funny.. Cum on guys... | 578,411 |
A doctor comes in with some test results... Doctor: "I've got bad news and horrible news, which one do you want first?"
Patient: "The horrible news."
Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "Oh no, what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "You have alzhemier's."
Patient: Well, at least I don't have AIDS."
| 578,412 |
World's Greatest Grandfather A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, cookies, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hear... | 578,413 |
Why'd the cookie go to the hospital? It was feeling a little crumby. | 578,414 |
A man walks into a bar But it's atmospheric pressure so he's fine. | 578,415 |
I can't date fat women anymore... I just found out I'm lactose intolerant.
Note: I just heard this from some landscapers as I walked my dog. | 578,416 |
Why do chickens support teenage rights? Because they are Pro-Teens | 578,417 |
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. A... | 578,418 |
What do French Business Men use to ice their cakes? Franchicing | 578,419 |
I'm a professional click-baiter. AMA! What I did there....Did you see it? | 578,420 |
What do you call a boxer with an upset stomach? Gaseous Clay | 578,421 |
What did the cat say to the prison guard? Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!! | 578,422 |
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice. | 578,423 |
Gay jokes aren't funny Come on guys | 578,424 |
So I want to write a letter to a deer... I just don't know how to start it off! | 578,425 |
Remember it's ok to blow your nose and then wipe your butt… But don't wipe your butt then blow your nose, unless you're a brown noser. | 578,426 |
What race of horses is the most popular on Pandora? Neightiri. | 578,428 |
I'm having a hard time deciding which pillow I should buy. I'm going to sleep on it. | 578,429 |
What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways? He died on the cross! | 578,430 |
My girlfriend was on her. So I put it in her: | 578,431 |
I'm glad I know sign language because it's pretty handy | 578,432 |
I was looking for a subtle way to describe my penis... ...and then I went to /r/minimalism... | 578,433 |
I had to take my horse to get surgery last week The doctor told me he's in stable condition | 578,434 |
The best way to a man's heart.. ...is between his fourth and fifth rib. | 578,435 |
Did you hear about the man..... Did you hear about the man who jumped out of a plane at 40,00 feet without a parachute and survived.....
.....until he hit the ground | 578,436 |
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner... ...but he doesn't tell his kids what kind of meat it is. He decides to make them work for it and gives them the clue "Your mum sometimes calls me this instead of my name". The young girl pushes it away, "Ew! I'm not eating asshole, Dad!" | 578,437 |
Nookie Green A man enters the confessional and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Fath... | 578,438 |
Hobo paint job A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by s... | 578,439 |
The old lady had been giving blood.. ... as she did every month. On the way out, she came past a long line of men in front of a door, and asked the last man what they were in line for? The man replayed "This is the sperm bank, i go here once a month and get 100$ for each donation."
The old lady thought this was unfai... | 578,440 |
What did the dolphin say when he ran into the sea turtle? "Sorry, I didn't do it on porpoise."
| 578,441 |
Is your name Gravity ? Cause you're attractive. | 578,442 |
Today i got this text message from my neighbour I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will... | 578,443 |
What is a ninjas favorite drink? Wataa and fruit punch!
I'll see myself out. | 578,444 |
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet. | 578,445 |
What do you call a mexican fighting a priest... Alien Vs Predator | 578,446 |
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8, 9/11 was an inside job | 578,447 |
Two guys are sitting next to each other at a bar on the top of the empire state building. As they're talking one mentions that because of the way the winds wrap around the building if you jump off from the balcony on the east side you'll be pushed back into that open window on the tenth story. The other claims he's ful... | 578,448 |
I gave a homeless guy some cheese today. I feel gouda 'bout it. | 578,449 |
A deaf couple discussed "signals" for when either wants sex in the dark The couple layed down the signals for when either wants to have sex when they were in bed with the lights off.
The wife signs to the husband "If you want to have sex, cup my left breast, but if you don't want sex, just hug me around the middle"
... | 578,450 |
What did the cow say to her husband when he denied pooping in the living room? That's bullshit! | 578,451 |
Sunny, Ahmed and Will are walking to a party. But they soon realise they don't know where it is, luckily their friend Jason finds them and says he knows where the house is at. So they're walking along, with Ahmed and Will trailing behind the others. After some conversation they begin to discuss their respective religio... | 578,452 |
How do you get to Auschwitz from Berlin? You have to take the Third Reich. | 578,453 |
Why aren't there very many jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones? The punchline is too long. | 578,454 |
I went for a walk in a cemetery this morning and saw a man crouching behind a tombstone. I said "morning" He replied "no, just taking a shit." | 578,455 |
So there were a group of plebs online... And they DIDN'T know what they wanted. They thought they wanted biting, intellectual and ORIGINAL content. But they only celebrated the same TRASH over and over again. They just orgied in half-baked reruns of the same damn jokes. It was disgusting and wretched. It was sick.
So ... | 578,456 |
Teacher With student.. Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it. | 578,457 |
My Grandpa has the heart of a Lion... And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo | 578,458 |
So I won Blowjob from my wife the other day. I got home from the hospital and I told my wife that I saw a live being from fictional lore. She said "You're crazy! You should give the medication to the patients, not take it yourself!" Then I bet her a blowjob that I actually saw a fictional creature in real life. She ... | 578,459 |
Where do you get a drink on Excel? ....Formula bar | 578,460 |
I just found a joke I lost some times ago! Guess where it was! On you... | 578,461 |
What's black and brown and red all over? A dead nigger. | 578,462 |
When you say the word "poop" your mouth makes the same shape as your butthole when you poop The same can be said for "explosive diarrhea" | 578,463 |
A man goes to a bar A man goes to a bar. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to drown his worries in whisky.
As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is piss-drunk and then he realizes: "Holy shit, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the middle of the dawn and I'm here, shitfaced and far fro... | 578,464 |
An old man goes to a job interview... The HR Director asks him: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"
The old man replies, "Honesty"
The HR Director says, "I don't really think honesty could be considered a weakness."
To which the old man says, "I don't really give a crap what you think" | 578,465 |
Remember when you were a kid and used to blow Bubbles? Well, Bubbles is back in town and he's looking for your number. | 578,466 |
If a faggot is a collection of sticks, what do you call a collection of faggots? One Direction. | 578,467 |
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