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yestaehyung

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OCEAN

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Well, right now I just woke up from a mid-day nap. It's sort of weird, but ever since I moved to Texas, I have had problems concentrating on things. I remember starting my homework in 10th grade as soon as the clock struck 4 and not stopping until it was done. Of course it was easier, but I still did it. But when I moved here, the homework got a little more challenging and there was a lot more busy work, and so I decided not to spend hours doing it, and just getting by. But the thing was that I always paid attention in class and just plain out knew the stuff, and now that I look back, if I had really worked hard and stayed on track the last two years without getting lazy, I would have been a genius, but hey, that's all good. It's too late to correct the past, but I don't really know how to stay focused n the future. The one thing I know is that when people say that b/c they live on campus they can't concentrate, it's b. s. For me it would be easier there, but alas, I'm living at home under the watchful eye of my parents and a little nagging sister that just nags and nags and nags. You get my point. Another thing is, is that it's just a hassle to have to go all the way back to school to just to go to library to study. I need to move out, but I don't know how to tell them. Don't get me wrong, I see where they're coming from and why they don't want me to move out, but I need to get away and be on my own. They've sheltered me so much and I don't have a worry in the world. The only thing that they ask me to do is keep my room clean and help out with the business once in a while, but I can't even do that. But I need to. But I got enough money from UT to live at a dorm or apartment next semester and I think I’ll take advantage of that. But off that topic now, I went to sixth street last night and had a blast. I haven't been there in so long. Now I know why I love Austin so much. When I lived in VA, I used to go up to DC all the time and had a blast, but here, there are so many students running around at night. I just want to have some fun and I know that I am responsible enough to be able to have fun, but keep my priorities straight. Living at home, I can't go out at all without them asking where? with who? why? when are you coming back? and all those questions. I just wish I could be treated like a responsible person for once, but my sister screwed that up for me. She went crazy the second she moved into college and messed up her whole college career by partying too much. And that's the ultimate reason that they don't want me to go and have fun. But I'm not little anymore, and they need to let me go and explore the world, but I’m Indian; with Indian culture, with Indian values. They go against "having fun. " I mean in the sense of meeting people or going out with people or partying or just plain having fun. My school is difficult already, but somehow I think that having more freedom will put more pressure on me to do better in school b/c that's what my parents and ultimately I expect of myself. Well it's been fun writing, I don't know if you go anything out of this writing, but it helped me get some of my thoughts into order. So I hope you had fun reading it and good luck TA's.

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Well, here we go with the stream of consciousness essay. I used to do things like this in high school sometimes. They were pretty interesting, but I often find myself with a lack of things to say. I normally consider myself someone who gets straight to the point. I wonder if I should hit enter any time to send this back to the front. Maybe I'll fix it later. My friend is playing guitar in my room now. Sort of playing anyway. More like messing with it. He's still learning. There's a drawing on the wall next to me. Comic book characters I think, but I'm not sure who they are. It's been a while since I've kept up with comic's. I just heard a sound from ICQ. That's a chat program on the internet. I don't know too much about it so I can't really explain too well. Anyway, I hope I'm done with this by the time another friend comes over. It will be nice to talk to her again. She went home this weekend for Labor Day. So did my brother. I didn't go. I'm not sure why. No reason to go, I guess. Hmm. when did I start this. Wow, that was a long line. I guess I won't change it later. Okay, I'm running out of things to talk about. I've found that happens to me a lot in conversation. Not a very interesting person, I guess. Well, I don't know. It's something I'm working on. I'm in a class now that might help. The phone just rang. Should I get it? The guy playing the guitar answered it for me. It's for my roommate. My suitemate just came in and started reading this. I'm uncomfortable with that. He's in the bathroom now. You know, this is a really boring piece of literature. I never realized how dull most everyday thoughts are. Then again, when you keep your mind constantly moving like this, there isn't really time to stop and think deeply about things. I wonder how long this is going to be. I think it's been about ten minutes now. Only my second line. How sad. Well, not really considering how long these lines are. Anyway, I wonder what I'm going to do the rest of the night. I guess there's always homework to do. I guess we'll see. This seat is uncomfortable. My back sort of hurts. I think I'm going to have arthritis when I get older. I always thought that I wouldn't like to grow old. Not too old, I suppose. I've always been a very active person. I have a fear of growing old, I think. I guess it'll go away as I age gradually. I don't know how well I'd deal with paralysis from an accident though. As long as I have God and my friends around, I'll be okay though. I'm pretty thirsty right now. There isn't much to drink around my room. Ultimate Frisbee, I haven't played that all summer. Fun game, but tiring. I'm out of shape. I'd like to get in better shape, but I hate running. It's too dull for me. Hmmm. it's almost over now. Just a few more minutes. Let's see if I make it to the next line. Short reachable goals! Whatever. Anyway, what else do I have to do tonight. I guess I could read some. My shirt smells like dinner. It's pretty disgusting. I need to wake up for a 9:30 am class tomorrow. I remember when that wasn't early at all. Well, I made it to the next line. I'm so proud of myself. That's sarcasm, by the way. I wonder if I was suppose to right this thing as a narrative. Oh well too late now. Time for me to head out. Until next time, good bye and good luck. I don't know.

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An open keyboard and buttons to push. The thing finally worked and I need not use periods, commas and all those thinks. Double space after a period. We can't help it. I put spaces between my words and I do my happy little assignment of jibber-jabber. Babble babble babble for 20 relaxing minutes and I feel silly and grammatically incorrect. I am linked to an unknown reader. A graduate student with an absurd job. I type. I jabber and I think about dinoflagellates. About sunflower crosses and about the fiberglass that has be added to my lips via clove cigarettes and I think about things that I shouldn't be thinking. I know I shouldn't be thinking. or writing let's say/ So I don't. Thoughts don't solidify. They lodge in the back. behind my tongue maybe. Somewhere at the point of hiding but dinoflaghelates, protistas and what was that sea weed. I think about the San Luiz valley and I think about the mushrooms in cow shit. I think about the ticos and I think about the chiggers that are living in my legs. I itch. I coat myself with clear nail polish in hopes to suffocate the bugs that are living in my legs and I remember Marco. I remember Ecuador and I think about my thoughts and what I am not supposed to be doing in this assignment. Thoughts. I wonder if I think in sentences I wonder what affect my slowish typing has on my stream of consciousness and I wonder if there is a way that typing speed can be measured in this study so that so link some generalization of dorky 301 psyc students. green and the table in my kitchen makes me want to vomit. orange. What an absurd color. wish I wasn't in the united state. My greencard runs out in a few years wonder what I do. I hope Dr. Linder gets back in his lab because I really need to find out if he has funds to pay me. May have to go back to the library. Brainless job of nothingness that would make me wallow in the world of boredom which isn't entirely bad. Need to focus on school organics and such. Period. Two spaces after the period. Mistakes and I want to eat not hungry and I wonder how many people talk about food in there little computer ramblings Feel open and Happy that I am not having to edit this. Type type I don't know what I am think Hannah Imi and Osdprey house. I remember when I went down to that . she had spiders on hurt wall pain all over the place and we painted clouds on the ceiling and the blue walls were so obnoxious. Carey. Sex sex sex. yeah. This is a strange assignment and Portonoy's complaint is ringing in my head. Eager to finish so that I can start for Whom the Bell Tolls and get on with it. Bio and Carbon atoms bonds and orbitals. Thinking about the electron configuration that surrounds the last letter in my first name and I think that I must have been granted a full "s" orbital one up and one down. spinning on opposite directions and I am thinking about Scottish poetry about Mike in his kilt and about my guitar that I am slowly slowly slowly learning to play. I wonder what goes on in this study. I wonder if those happy little bored entertained grad students will scan words and I wonder how I can mess up this study? Random words like . don't know. ;Me me me me me and I wish that some things were easier and I wish that I had been keeping my eye on the clock. Wondering how long I have been typing and wishing that I was finished because I need to find out if I have to / will work in the Botany lab again and all that . ILS Belly and the Flamenco. Bjork and Rozamond Cockrill kickin' it in Saratoga Springs. I hate Molly's cat and wish that it could be exchanged for a worthwhile ferret. Type type type. I have managed to waste over 20 minutes of time I think. Who knows. What If I was to write this out and it took 30 minutes to write and 15 minutes to type. Thinking about nothing and wishing that some financial aid would come my way. Need a job and a sprinkling of time. Time to go and sign outta here. trees

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I can't believe it! It's really happening! My pulse is racing like mad. So this is what it's like. now I finally know what it feels like. just a few more steps. I wonder if he is going to get any sleep tonight!? I sure won't! Well, of course I have a million deadlines to meet tomorrow so I'll be up late anyway. But OH! I'm so so excited! Yes! Yes! I can't believe it is finally happening. Wait! Calm down. We aren't officially a couple yet. What if I end up not liking him? That would be horrible. Oh great, I wonder how long it'll take me to finish those Calculus problems? I'll get it done. Don't you always, Amy? I can't believe Bob did it! He really did it! He is THE miracle worker. If things turn out all right I will owe him more than I can ever repay. I wonder what Steve is doing in Malaysia right now? An entire month! I'll likely clean out his refrigerator by then. Omigosh! Food, lunch tomorrow, what will I ever say to him? He is perfect in every way imaginable. It is so important for him to think of me the same way. well, maybe not Perfect, but certainly dynamic. Who would have ever thought! Good things do indeed come to those who wait! Oh, I'll have to remember to sign the poster he made tomorrow morning. I hope Steve's alarm clock is reliable and I don't oversleep. That would be tragic if I slept 'til noon and missed the lunch. Thank goodness Portia is coming along. I will definitely need her support as well as Bob's. just having her there will take away some of the tension and put me more at ease. I'll have to rehearse what I say beforehand. things can only get better from here, right? hopefully. oh, I'm so nervous! He will be too. maybe even more so. it'll be ok. Why in the world do humans put themselves through such torture. maybe love is really worth it?

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Well, here I go with the good old stream of consciousness assignment again. I feel like I'm back in freshman HS English class again. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you, but my English teacher freshman year made us do these assignments constantly, and mine were always completely ridiculous, like, "wow, I'm really hungry. I wish I could go to Taco Bell. " They really had no point, except as busy work. In a psychology class, though, I can see the reasoning behind an assignment like this. Just letting my mind go free, and putting my random thoughts down in writing could be a big help in figuring out why I'm such a psychological screw-up. Well, that's not true. I don't want y'all getting the wrong idea about me, being that today was the first day of class and all. I'm really not a nut case. People may think I am, but really, I'm a normal kind of gal. Actually, down here in Texas, I guess I'm not normal. I don't like to eat biscuits and gravy for breakfast, and country fried steak with fried okra for dinner. I'm from Connecticut, and we don't even HAVE okra, much less worship it like it's some kind of vegetable goddess. My mind is starting to go blank--performance pressure I guess. I'm on the spot here--I don't want you all to be bored while you're reading this, if you ever do get around to reading this, that is. Well, I'm not going to stress just yet, so you're probably going to have to listen to some of my random, incoherent babbling for a few paragraphs. These computers are a big old pain in the ass. Here in the SMF, sure, they've got a bajillion computers, but unfortunately, we've got 42 bajillion students trying to use them, all at the same time. I think I'll be spending quite a few late, late nights in the computer center, just to get my stuff done. Yippee. That's what college is all about--late nights in the libraries. Yeah. Right. At this point, I don't even know what college is all about. I probably shouldn't say anything though, seeing as how I'm going to have to write another one of these thingys in a few days, where the topic is "college" Blah, blah, blah. I can't believe I'm actually doing this assignment on the same day that is was assigned! Go me! Talk about dedication. I really can't believe this. In high school, procrastination was my middle name. No, it was my first name. By second semester, I have more free periods in a day than actual classes, so I didn't have to do a damn thing. It was great! Unfortunately, because of that, I'm going to have to work that much harder here at UT, to get those studying skills back up to par. High School. Now that was a trip. When I was there, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I hated that school, that town, everything except my friends, of course. Then, my family moved, right after graduation, and I learned real quick that there were worse places to be than in my old town. At least back home I have my friends and my boyfriend and my piece of crap car, and I knew what there was to do. After I moved, I had no friends, no life, no car, no nothing. I worked all day. That's it. now, though, I'm ready for this whole college thing. Austin seems like a fun city, where I might actually enjoy spending the next four years. Oh yeah. While we're on the subject of "four years," why is it that all the professors & administrators that give speeches and stuff always make it sound like we'll be in college for like, 5 or 6 years? I'm sorry, but I plan on graduating in 4 years. What's the problem here? What are people doing, that they can't graduate in 4 years? I just don't get it. no offense if any of y'all reading this took like 7 years to do your undergrad work. I'm not trying to knock you, just trying to figure this out. Well, it's 9:19, exactly 18 minutes after I started this nifty little piece of writing that makes no sense and has no point. I'm not really sure if I have fulfilled this assignment, like if I was supposed to analyze my personal stream of consciousness, where it took me, and what that means regarding my own personality. I guess if I had to, I could say that my mind works in mysterious ways, and even if the above essay seems to be illogically connected, to me, I can see the patterns. Yeah. I just went back & tried to read this over again, and I've got to give a suggestion. For these assignments, make the box we're writing in a box where you can see the whole line of writing at one time, without have to scroll across , because it's a real big pain for me, and I'm sure it's just as big a pain for you when you're trying to read it. Unless, of course, when you read it, you can see the whole line at once. I don't know, just a suggestion! Thanks for taking the time to give us all the opportunity to get an easy 10 % of out final grade through these writing assignments!

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Today. Had to turn the music down. Today I went to the KVRX meeting. I will hopefully have my own radio show. I don’t know what I will talk about. I have considered in great depth and. Jeez this songs starts off quietly. cool beginning. should start louder. oh well can't all be perfect. My roommate is playing the same game . he plays that game too much and spends too much time with it. does he get homework? I just don't know. This song is rather erotic. in a very deep and disturbing way. I can't decide whether I actually want to study medical technology or not. I love many things form chemistry to mycology to religious studies/. speaking of which I had a very good time at my PSA meeting. Pagan student alliance. ahh. gotta love that screech the chairs let when you push them back. ahhhhh. well. oh yeah at the meeting I met several people. Caleb seems rather worried about one of the women. though he is bound and like wise I am unable to speak ill of her. Well I am in charge of running our booth Monday. or is it Tuesday. That song is one again. his team (my roommate) I s winning. YEESH. Well I guess if he enjoys it. my typing is rather poor and this assignment is taking a long time. 20 minutes. been 5. . lalalalalalalal. Yes the meeting. I talked about shamanism. which apparently comes from a Siberian word. being that there are several hundred different shamanic following in this world. due to the vast number of tribes that speckle our world. Peter Steele has a very sexy voice. I would love to make love to this song,. Well. too much. info. /. Dtos are fun ellipses. that word too is fun. I think that perhaps I am slowly running out of things to say. . That song reminds me of my young age. riding in the car and talking to my family. the streetlights were bright back then and things were happy. or where they. perhaps not,, I don't remember that well. My car was full of all of us and the dog wasn't around. She isn't anymore either. epilepsy has taken her from this incarnation. I wonder what she is doing now. Does she know that I miss her???? I wish I could find out. Possibly clairvoyance. That is of course under the assumption that spirits are all equal. they are. I know. For I am. Yes I was and shall be. ever. My childhood bears a interesting mark of past fuzziness. I can't seem to recollect exact details like others. very brown. ,. fuzzy is the best word. The 80's really did suck. I wonder why that CD is still lying there on the answering machine. I love bright circling colors. they interest me. not in a psychotic manner but in a very hypnotic manner. they calm. I like to be calm and sedate/. Though activity on occasion is good. . . . Grey is not a good color. neutral yes but very passive. though passive is good. Taoism. there's a philosophy. They believe that by doing nothing they do everything. interesting. I am currently reading Aleister Crowley His hermetic order seems rather interesting though a bit on the abnormal and almost eccentric side. I remember reading stories about spiders. And milkmen in fields with roses. no daisies. yeah daisies. Looking down upon the daisies as they look up to me. I want to do a past life regression and find out who I was. I wonder if I have been anyone famous or popular. Wow I am saying some rather strange things. interesting. I didn't. . My head hurts. and my room is hot. I would like to stop this. I have 3 minutes left and nothing to say except for watching my fingers press the buttons is a rather enjoyable activity. they press slowly and heavy. sometimes fast and lithe. I mean light. yeah light. so I hope I am doing this right. I am putting my consciousness on record for others to read. I guess that's cool. It should be interesting though I have said very little. I wonder what other are saying. ahh the three minutes have passed and my typing ill now slow to a halt.

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Stream of consciousness. What should I write about. Am I supposed to have some kind of direction or am I supposed to write exactly what I am thinking. This feels like a very strange assignment. for homework it seems that it I pretty easy. Actually it would be pretty intense if this was worth more than however much it is worth. Hmm for some reason I am blanked out, and it seems like I am thinking about nothing. Oh well. Lets see what happened today. I lucked out on my econ quiz, I was actually able to guess my way to a 100. What are the chances of that. having faith definitely pays off. I always say that it is important to have faith. That’s my motto in life. Have faith and have fun. Life is a funny thing. One minute your there and gone the next. It is like Louie the Lug Mcgurg for example. He died tragically at 18. I am 18 what happened. Somebody stepped on his fingers. And that killed him. well he was hanging of the 11th story of the hotel at the time. Poor lug. No Poor Mrs. the Lug. Now she is on the streets selling apples. The point is that the lug did not plan ahead and the government got everything. Oscar was a damn intense movie. It seems very difficult to figure out what I am thinking. Wen I try I blank out, and I keep trying to figure out what stream of consciences s then. Life is good. This entire internet business is pretty cool. I never would of thought I could write a paper, and then send it to a teacher by pushing a submit button. I wonder how much longer I will be writing this. I only have ten more minutes left. Everyone always asks what you are thinking about, when you are just sitting there thinking. Usually you say nothing because you just don't want to tell them. Now I am trying to think of what I am thinking and I am getting nothing. Cricket is a great sport. There is going to be the Sahara cup going to be played in Canada. It is India vc. Paistan. One of the biggest cricketing rivalries in the world. Team Pak is going to be victorious. Aamir sohai is a great Cricketer. I can not believe that they dropped him from the team. Granted he was a little out of form, but he would have taken the Indian crap bowlers around the park and back. This is beginning to seem kind of silly. I hope that was your point. I wonder if any body is actually going to read this. For some reason I doubt it. Whoever is reading it though I feel sorry for. That is a lot peoples garbage talk you have to read. Maybe it isn't. I have no idea what it is. This screen is really weird. How come only three lines have popped up. I have been writing for 15 minutes. Is this some kind of ploy so we can not see what we have written. I can not believe that I only thought about that now. In fact I just noticed that only this much was on the screen. Very Very Interesting. I am getting tired of typing. I am waiting for these final minutes to tick away. I hope you gain something out of this, because I don’t think I will. actually I might, but I have no idea how. I was thinking about quitting early, but what if you had some kind of device that told you how long I was on for. That is actually pretty scary. only god knows what technology can do nowadays. Anyway I hope you enjoy reading this. It is quite possible that I have enjoyed writing it. It is fun and relaxing to write something, without having o go back and proofread. It seems like you are an expert typer actually. Anyway now my 20 minutes are up, so have faith and have fun. If you read this give me an A. Even though It does not matter. This completion grade stuff is amazing. All my classes should do it.

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The RTF305 Usenet site is a piece of garbage! I just sent my first required message, only to have another person's name in the From slot! Now I probably won't get credit, and worse yet, I can't access it again! The computers here suck! It's bad enough I wait in line just to use one. Well, that's it, I have got to get my own. Or perhaps, bring my old one from home. It seems different, even though basically everything is the same. It's on my desk at home right now. That antique desk where I spent hour after hour perfecting my work, listening to my favorite music right now. I hear Journey, and String right now, now if that stereo down the hall would shut up! What are they paying for anyway? They come miles upon miles, after earning the right to be here, and then squander it on stupid sound effects, and loud music. If I wanted to hear Inspector Gadget during the Simpson’s, I would change the channel! I only get to watch t. v. for 30 minutes or so a day, and I certainly want to choose, and if my roommate and I don't choose, why should that inconsiderate shmuck down the hall get to!? Speaking of halls, that turn was so tight in the one off of my computer room. I used to feel plush carpet under my feet, and the cold, refreshing taste of Coke when I walked quickly into the room to begin my work for the night. And all those shows that I missed! I missed countless mindless hours of television. Pure, mind-numbing entertainment, what can beat that. I see industrial carpet on the wall right now. How plush my bed was! Jake used to love when I gave him nip, or scratched his ears at night. It reminds me of when that bumpkin exterminator came to the large, clean, inviting house thought he was a bob cat. So the vet called him "big-boned", that doesn’t mean he was obese. So he ate 3 bowls a day, and was a 20 pound cat with a gut. That reminds me of "Cats" when the twenty pounder is the human equivalent of 300 or so pounds. That theatre rocked. I. M. Pei is awesome, but that other guy on t. v. is an eccentric freak. The Myerson is cool, I could go for some more hot chocolate now, just like during the Christmas musical we went to. That guy was pretty short who my mom worked with, and bald as a bowling alley floor. I have to play pool before I go insane! That basement used to smell musty, but the sleepovers were fun.

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I'm really unsure about this assignment because I'm afraid I won/t be able to think of things to say for 20 minutes so I'll start off with why I'm so mad right now. last night Allison, Rebecca, and Stephanie and I went with Paul and trey to go coon hunting because Allison and I went with them last weekend and it was fun, so anyway we drove for an hour to get to Killeen over this bridge that they hang prostitutes from no that was later first we went to this house that was so trashy that Rebecca didn't even want to go inside to use the bathroom so she went outside that’s gross then we drove to the place for hunting and they made us get in the bed of the truck and trey drove about 50 mph and we were flying all around we played this I’ve never game I didn't realize that Rebecca and Stephanie are just like me that’s cool so then we go over this bridge that smells like shit or rotting carcasses or something and we were so scared because Stephanie was telling a ghost story abo9ut a bridge and then trey turned around and we went over the bridge about 3 more times we were so scared then we get to the field and Paul was already being an asshole and they took the dogs out Allison had begun Paul had Jodi and trey had flip and they left the walker bitch spice in the truck so we start walking toward the creek which turned out to be raw sewage and I refused to go any further and Paul screamed at me that I was a bitch and he didn't give a fuck what I did so I went back through the woods with no flashlight so I could get in the truck I have never been more scarred in my entire life I prayed the whole time and I took spice out because I was afraid that I was going to get raped and murdered or something I was bawling and trying to tell my parents through telepathy that I loved them and that I would miss them because I was going to die then I heard a voice yelling my name and asking for help it was trey he was coming back to make sure I was okay I was so happy then about 30 minutes later the others came back, they looked like night of the living dead with briars and thorns all in their hair they told me they wished they'd stayed with me then they got in their bras and panties because their clothes were soaked with sewage and we drove home the whole time Paul is bitching to Allison about everything and treating her like shit I think she could do so much better but she's in love and I told her that but we didn’t get home until 4am and I had a 10 class that I've missed too much already but I made it and that has basically what has been consuming me today I’m sorry if its not what you wanted.

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Today was a tough day for me. I can't believed I failed to talk to Asweenee. No girl has ever had that much power on me. Its probably the sun kicking in. I can't wait to go to the football game on Saturday. UT is definitely going to beat Rutgers b/c Rutgers lost last week to a weak team by more than 20 points. Calculus class is going to be boring tomorrow because the professor is going to continue his lecture on limits. I hope we get no homework or else I will be very busy Wed. night. That phone next door is driving me crazy! Why does Kyle have the ringer on so high? I need to buy the Bush CD soon. The songs on that CD will pump me up and let me overcome my fear of talking to Asweenee. I hope she remembers me from the concert and knows that I am not some weird freak. Neal seems to enjoy studying Chemistry for no reason because he does the extra problems even though they are not due at all. I guess he feels insecure about his ability in Chemistry. I hope the Giants win next week at Jacksonville. It should be a good game but knowing my luck they won't even televise that game. Who cares about the Cowboys? Tonight I want to email Steve and tell him my difficult conquest for a girlfriend. Maybe things will clear up the next few days and I will finally have the courage to do what I am so good at: socializing. I have never froze up like this in a long time. Maybe I am thinking too much about screwing up. I know I am better than that. Baseball season is almost near the homestretch. I hope the Yankees can catch up to the Orioles and go back to the World Series. My parents are probably trying to call right now and are wondering why the phone line is busy. I wondering how Linh is adjusting at Rice? I hope she is not getting too depressed about not seeing Paul because I am not there to help her get through this hard time. I am glad I was there for her this summer because she needed a good friend who could understand her. I really miss her a lot but at the same time I know she will be fine. I sound like her parents. I wonder how Craig's drive to Minnesota is? His dad is probably giving him a lecture after what happened to him this summer. This room needs more AC. AC. The idiot next door is blaring his music. Spice girls suck! If he is going to listen to music at least show some taste. I think I am starting to feel the effects of the Hunan chicken. That stuffed dog looks like Snoopy. Neal must be attached to this toy.

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Well, I am sitting in the library right now, you know the one across from Jester Center. I am hard at work trying to think of things and writing them down as I go along. Oh, I just heard someone moving in his seat making a creaking noise. There he goes again. Why can’t he this guy sit still. Boy am I sleepy, my neck has a cramp and there goes that guy again moving in his in his seat. Oh, the fountain (I had to look up for this one) is making noise. Okay. it stopped now. Boy am I tired. I wish I was sleeping right now. I can hear people walking in the distance and someone flipping through pages in a book. I wonder what he is looking for. It is probably something for his ultra tough class. Man, I am tired. Excuse me but I have to stop writing for a second. Boy I really can not see anything without my glasses. My eyesight must be really bad. Go figure, I have been wearing glasses since the 7th grade. I liked them at first and thought they were cool but I despise wearing glasses. It hurts my ears and gives me a headache sometimes. Ah, just needed to pull the chair in a little. Man, I wish someone was here to massage my neck and shoulder, preferably a girl. This just can not get any worse, now I am beginning to feel pain in my forearm from writing so much. I think I am really out of shape for my forearm to be hurting so much. Wow, this is truly horrific, everything around me is a blur. Man, if someone killed every one in this room and I saw him. I would probably not be able to identify him or even describe him to the police. Boy, my sight is so bad. Good, I only have about eight more minutes of writing. I wish I can go to sleep right now, but no, I have to finish this writing assignment. Man, does this mean I would have to type this on the computer. Great, well I will be getting out of here real soon. Oh, I can see much better now. What is with the neck cramp. Things could not get any worse for me. Here I am sitting here and having to write for at least twenty minutes on the stream of my conscience. My eyes are drooping and heavy, my chest is in pain from the way I am sitting, and my right arm is so tired. Please stop! Dude, I have about three more minutes. Time sure flies by real fast. Yeah right! Cool, that guy has an outline of a roadrunner on the back of his shirt. Man, well is he not a little too noisy. I mean we are in the library, man, and people are trying to do a writing assignment for psychology here, man. Dude, I just heard the door opened and shut. Alright, I can finally stop now. Hope you like it. That was twenty minutes of my life down the tube. Thanks a lot. Just kidding. Ha! Ha!

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I have done this assignment three times in the past ten minutes and the computer has changed screens when I was looking t the keyboard, so I apologize if you have received several copies of this assignment already- in case you haven't I will write everything I have written already because it is what I am mostly thinking about - firstly though, my roommate is in the next TV room and listening to the TV very loudly with apparently no regard for the fact that I am doing homework- the volume on the television is stopping me from having any complete thoughts which I suppose is ideal for your purposes but quite irritating to me- I have always disliked stream of consciousness writing especially since we read Virginia Woolfe last year in my English class- We were given a similar assignment and I was told that I could not complete the assignment to my teacher's specifications, mostly because I think more clearly that I speak in most circumstances and even then I have to rework the thoughts over and over in my head before I feel they are strong to enter into an argument. I greatly enjoy debating, and I have never been accused of making a completely outlandish argument before( unless that was my goal in the first place, which falls under a different train of though so I won’t mention that here) but my brother and father would argue constantly as I was growing up and the insults and reasons behind those insults that be passed back and forth would be unorthodox and so deprived of reason that I made it my goal not to speak, especially in a debate, unless I was sure that my argument could not be beaten by any irrational statement-I mean rational statement I would let the irrational statements defeat themselves- My favorite aspect of debate would actually be --this all gets back to a time when we were assigned to write a bill that we would take to a fake model united nations conference and we would have to present a bill that we wanted passed- in fact, my partner and I rarely wanted the bills we proposed to be passed, but we just wanted people to have to argue against them, in most cases we would try to make our bills interesting or at least darkly satirical, so that the only arguments that could be made against them would be based on moral rationalization rather than common reason- the moral debates would most likely get everyone interested and could be defeated by one who was willing not to be moral- none of our bills ever passed-As I write this I find that I am often losing my train of thought but I don't believe that that is how I usually think- as a result of the confines of this experiment I am discovering that I am thinking more quickly than I normally do and I can't explain why that is other to keep typing, however, when I am normally thinking, I still try to think slowly and articulately so as not to speak something that makes me look ignorant-this is said mostly to point to out possible flaws in the ways of tracing thoughts . now in fact I a running out of things to say-before I finish, which is still about seven minutes away- I'd like to apologize for the many spelling errors that are sure to be found in his assignment- don't mean the errors that are natural such as words that I just don't know the spelling of but rather, I mean the words that look as if they have been written by an idiot because I am not a very talented typist and my fingers are slipping over the keys, I would go back and fix these errors but that seems contradictory to the nature of the assignment 2:53 that was the time at which I am writing this I am also realizing that occasionally there is no clear and concise thought n my head which I can write down or there are just so many thoughts that I an not possibly transfer them onto paper at the rate at which they are passing through- I hate leaving the impression with anyone that I am ignorant and I think that is the main reason I dislike this assignment, because I don't see how anyone can read this and not see exactly that- it is my hope that at least everyone will appear ignorant and then at least I will be on even ground - I also hate writing this to a professor of psychology because I am sure it is analyzed more than is necessary- if this assignment is done honestly then you could probably jut talk to someone and get just as many honest answers- well -I've just hit nineteen minutes and I suppose that last sentence is just a good a place to finish off as any where.

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well I am just sitting here thinking about how I cannot wait to get home and go to sleep now I am thinking about my girlfriend and how much I really care for her I don't know, now notre dame football just popped into my head and I decided to slow down my typing because I am typing faster than I can think. I just thought about why we cannot stop and think about this project then I asked a question to myself about my ring, and why it is so dirty. well you see I am this huge notre dame fan and would give anything to go there but I didn't get in d so I am going to have to wait another year of so. I feel bad for not correcting these words as I go. why did I not , now this girl I used to know my freshman year of highschool popped into my head she was cool but now I have a really cool girlfriend, she is the sweetest thing in the whole world, she loves to cuddle which makes me very happy, the movies we have seen pop into my head, now I think I am doing this assignment wrong. well let's see Mrs. dolce, Mrs. angel I guess we are just supposed to put our thoughts and not dwell on them my best friend and I playing soccer together, I wonder how he is doing. he moved to Dallas. Teresa again, Baxter, the trial he is working on, the driver to where ever he wants me to go, notre dame versus purdue, how the guy that cut my hair didn't know a thing about notre dame, but said he did. Teresa and how I think of her all of the time how long this whole little get together on the computer is going to take. I am really not enjoying this because I feel I think about Teresa way to much, oh well, I wander where the send button is on this computer. what time will I have to get tomorrow morning so that I can get all of my computer science homework done. I hope Teresa and I stick together for a long time. I think she is cool the whole question of love comes up though and I don't know if I love her yet I might but I don't know. I feel very sorry fore Amy, now Alexis is in my thoughts, she is cool b but I am already taken so nothing is going to happen there. I am very content. French class really sucks but I am at least trying, hopefully my teacher sees this and helps me out more than she has in the past. my hair looks pretty cool right after it is cut. I thought I heard someone in the library, Oh well. This whole return thing is annoying. I keep hearing weird noises. The skyline is pretty cool the lights are so numerous. these office buildings really scare me at night, especially when nobody is here, every little noise makes me jump. well this is very exciting but I only have 12 minutes left, I am not even half way done. Teresa and one of our first dates, what that thing across the river is, I really hope my care doesn't get a ticket, that would make this day very bad. although this day has been pretty good do far, and it only has an hour left. only one more day before I get to see Teresa. and two till notre dame plays purdue. I am living the good life. pay day is on Friday. my math teacher would make a great Santa clause at one of these malls over the Christmas holiday. I wonder what time I will finally get home. I really cannot wait. this is pretty cool being able to get off work and have computer access just one floor up. only eight minutes left, I am very excited. there are a bunch of motor cycles outside they are really annoying, but oh well. I still to go home and work on my computer program so that I can just get get her tomorrow and right it up. If I get here at 5 that gives me two hours to do this lovely project, and I am sure I will be doing the second assignment. I must sound really rude but really I am extremely tired and cranky so I'm sorry if I seem grouchy. I wonder how often Teresa thinks about me because I think about her a whole lot. more noises, they are really scary. my nose itches. the green lights are cool on that building across the lake. will it is almost time for me to sign off, if I can only find the send key I would be a happy man. my head is now hurting, I hope teresa's straw project comes out o. k. I wonder what the friends I am going to meet are like. If they are like her they will be cool. see ya

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Ok I've put this off long enough and you say that 25% of the class has already completed this assignment so I think its time for me to too. 20 minutes. jeez that seems like a really long time now that I’m sitting here and just RAMBLING on and on and on and on. . this is all typing on one line. do I have to hit return to send it to the next line?? I think I’m gonna try it and see what happens. Whoa. that was WAY cool man. like totally. so cool. I'm gonna have to do it again!!! Well I’m bored right now. 1 minute elapsed. I just ate dinner I had a hamburger. it seems that’s what I eat every night now. I’m so boring!!! :-) <<~~that's really cool isn’t it?? say yes say yes. but you cant cause you Don’t SPEAK!!! No doubt ROCKS!!! Don't speak. I know what your saying. so please stop explaining. don't tell me cause it hurts. that song is so good~~I used to love it before they started playing it on the radio 24-7. I like sad songs. they make you think. and thinking is good for the soul?? teacher?? pick me pick me!!! I'm raising my hang but no one's calling on me!!! It always seem like I misspell no one. because that would be pronounced NOON would it not?? if I said NO space ONE. then that would sound ok but it looks SOO weird!!! AHHHH!!! I am slowly going crazy 1 2 3 4 5 6 switch. slowly am I going crazy. 1 2 3 4 5 6 switch. you know what?? this is a really really cool assignment!! I think it'd be cool if I could jut talk to someone like this totally going off on tangents whenever I want to. speaking of tangents. i hate precalculus!!! I don’t think I should take calculus in college cause my roommate( who I will get to later) says its really hard and he's quite the WIZ at math. I’ll take it at community college maybe,. yeah yeah yeah. ogh my roommate kareem. he’s a friend of mine from Houston. its like we've been together 24-7 since we moved in together and its really kinda annoying. i feel bad cause he was like one of my best friends and now its like I don’t wanna be around him anymore!!. so I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want. if you want my future forget my past. if you wanna get with me. better make it fast. SPICE girls SUCK!!! I’m listening to a new CD right now that I got at the radio station at UT---91. 7 KVRX. I'm applying for a position there as a DJ or something. that should be thrilling. I just wanna be heard GUYS!!! if you wannabe my lover you gotta get with my friends. if the song was called gotta get it would be COOLER!!! this is gonna be like so long!!! I still have 11 minutes!! what am I gonna do!!! there was this girl in front of us in PSYCH. today who my friend says is really stuck up and superficial so I kept whispering "superficial" to see if she'd turn around. she never did. so does this mean she's NOT superficial or she IS. she just doesn’t know it. as often is the case. I think this paper rocks man!! I bet ya'll get some really freaky ones like the end of the world is coming to Austin!!!! the MTV video music awards is on in 2 hours1! what if I get like caught in the net and I cant watch the awards!?!?! that would suck!!! I'm going home in 2 weeks~~~ my friend is having a bisexual encounter tonite ~~that's pretty weird huh?? I don’t really understand the concept of bisexuality~~ isn't it either on or the other?? well I think of myself as bisexual. and HEY NOW you cant go printing this all around the class cause I haven’t really told. well anyone except like 3 people. but its so weird~~~~so so so weird~~i could be a lab rat couldn’t I??? I m not a rat!! I wanna be a guinea pig. all my gay friends say they don’t believe in bisexuality. to each his own I guess. I have a lot of gay friends case I worked t the gap this summer~~~that was actually like the coolest job I've had THUS far in my illustrious career in the working world. 5 minutes to GO!!! yay!!! HOW in the hell are y’all gonna read all this!!!! my roommate just came home. what a DORK. he’s in the bathroom rite now. I told him he cant be in here cause he’s interrupting me but it's really cause I don’t want him to see what I wrote!!! uh OH . phone call. I’m talking on the phone call. on the phone call?? that was naji. that's kareems friend. that I seemed to have bonded with better than kareem has. I feel bad taking his friend away from him but I cant help it if I get along better with him ya know ya know?? this is really long!! what if I like typed for 4 hours!?? sucks to be YALL!! :-) well this has been a BLAST. and 20 minutes is up. in one minute. kareem just screamed so he could get his name on this paper. little did he know his name is already in it. from before!!! ok. well its been 20 minutes and this was really cool. I LOVE YOU!!! whoever reads this!!! knowledge is power. and teachers go around giving it away for free~~how sweet!!! well actually I believe there were some fees included in this class. and its not like the teachers aren’t compensated in some sort so Somebody’s paying for them to give away the knowledge. SO anyway. its been real. I'm actually sad to go. I've become so attached. talk to you later!!! love y a more!!! ~~~~~~joshua

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sitting here just writing stuff down on paper. thinking about going out tonight. I’m pretty happy because the navy paid me some more money. so there is money to go out with. I’m doing this on paper hoping it's a little easier than just typing. time goes slow when you are waiting on it. that girl is really cute. I can not concentrate on one thing for that long of a time. there are people here talking which takes my attention. the football game tomorrow. I’m not going. every body seems to be gung-ho about going. I don't see the big deal. watch it on tv who is lance corporal ruther. being late for pt would suck because they make you write about that stuff. thoughts are a weird thing everything you look at will bring on a thought the books, people everything they talk about will make you think a certain thing and it's not like you can ignore them when there in the same room. there's too much time for me to make up today. I can't do it. I wonder what they'll do. probably not much I’ll have about three quarters of I so it shouldn't be a big deal. it's good that we have it but it should be open alot later than just 9 o'clock. extra study. the ROTC unit is good that way I guess I wonder how late I have to stay there today. it doesn't really matter I guess but I want to go out tonight this is my one night to go out and get drunk so I plan on doing it not real bad but some. people are trying to figure out there total hours. I need to but I doubt it'll help it's funny how people use there study hours. mostly trying to figure out little things to do. everything but study. I think that's time I hope this is close to what the assignment was. my mind is pretty simple so it's hard to write for that long about what it's doing.

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always a problem. My hair is really wet and I should go dry it, but this assignment is what I need to do now. I almost slept through my eight o clock class, but I somehow made it. Ok this show keeps getting cheezier and cheezier oh dear. I have to cash a check and deposit it so my check book balances, which is something that needs to be done and really quickly because I will have to pay extra for all the hot checks I have written- uh oh. My twenty minutes probably seems shorter because I am a slower typist than most people. Kristen is a psycho whore, I hate hate her. Something shocking happens on this show every 5 seconds. I don't think that Days of our lives is a good show, but I seem to be addicted to it anyway. Keri is so nice and her and Austin are finally together, but probably not for long because there is s

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Psychologists. Always trying to understand how the mind works, and how it doesn't work in some cases. Can such things be understood, or are we merely deluding ourselves that knowledge of any kind can be attained? I guess I've always found psychology to be a very pretentious field. though an interesting one. We all want to control our lives, and anticipating the actions and desires of others helps us maintain that facade of control. Perhaps I'm getting into a more philosophical realm at the moment, but that is where my thoughts take me. Is free will merely an illusion? I've thought about this a lot. Unfortunately there are no definitive answers to this or other questions. Is there a god? I've never heard a logically sound argument for the existence of a god. I allow for the possibility of a deity, but it certainly wouldn't be the Christian God. I think ultimately that I have to agree with the existentialists. There is no proof for or against the existence of a god, so we should stop wasting time speculating and just deal with this life. Few people can deal with that. Our fear of death makes us create religions, so that we can pretend there is some semblance of life after our earthly bodies die. These are not new thoughts, I'm just thinking on demand; my mind moves most easily to the pathways it knows, and I present some of the more coherent ideas here. Is someone actually reading this? Do you understand that I am human? I am not an object. I am in a body, but I am not the body alone. I am a mind, vast and complex. I am. Do you feel superior because you can analyze minds? I ask you this, so that you can ask yourself. Do you enjoy treating people as objects? Do you even admit in your conscious mind that you treat people as objects? Perhaps not. It's possible that I'm being slightly unfair to you and your profession. Still, it is good to raise questions. We are all just a bit too complacent and easily controlled. I see the need for religion, but I think many of us are above that. I don't need to buy my morality from someone else. What moralists and philosophers do I respect? Plato, for his logic. Kierkegaard, except the theism. Kant, for his explications of metaphysics and epistemology. Nietzsche, except at the end of his days. LaVey, except for his dependence on rituals and his arrogance. Psychologists and behavioral scientists? I stay away from most. At some point I'll get back into it, but I was just too turned off by Freud and his pretentious assumptions. Other reading? Fiction, lots of it. I would name a few dozen authors but then why subject myself to the judgments of someone I can't even see. Music. I find music to be very important. You can't get by without music. And you can't just listen indiscriminately either. I think a real understanding of notes, rhythms, chords, and instrumentation is required before one can say anything about any kind of music. Do you understand music? How are you reacting to my questions? You must be used to asking the questions instead of having someone else ask them. Are you getting anything out of this? Is this more interesting than most responses to the same assignment, or do you even care? Are you turning to a colleague and saying "hey, this kid was actually making a futile attempt to understand my motives. " Fun with role reversals! I considered producing a surreal and rambling narrative for this assignment, but then you might have taken that a bit too seriously ("bob, we got another wacko here"). Ah well, time passes and other pursuits await. Goodbye for now.

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1 Freestyle- trying to write down thoughts that are moving so slowly now-- after spending the day walking up and down the Drag so many times (seems like millions!) in the hot sun. then waiting in line for this computer for ages. I wonder if this is right because its only making one long line instead of lots of lines Maybe I was supposed to press RETURN! Cant think right now except about going home to my new apartment, which is the first apartment that I've ever had. Very big, clean, airy, light, very TEXAS. I wish I had an apartment that was more original, as if there were only one like it in the whole world. With hardwood floors and pets allowed. So I could get a Lasa Apsa. But I’m going to sneak a ferret into my place because they are the CUTEST!!! You can bend them in half and twist them around everywhere and they are so playful. Anyway if I had a ferret I would name it Camilla cuz we used to have a kitten named Camilla but we had to give it away. If I had two children I always thought I would name them Madeline and Jack, but now I’m not sure because Jack sounds like a name for a psychopath--- like in the Shining. These are the ultimate boring thoughts but my brain is in slow motion so oh well. I’m absolutely starving right now I could eat yum pasta and artichokes and sushi and olives and steak (not all together!) I have weird taste in food because of growing up overseas I can remember being so little and my parents would take us out for Asian food-- me and Liz only four and five and eating spicy kimchi (MMMM) or fighting over what was the best piece of sushi. And when we only babies our favorite treat was FISH EYES, which I wouldn’t be able to stomach now. That was in the Philippines, where we left when I was two, and my only memory of it is a grayish image of lizards on the window above my crib. Some memories are suspicious- like I wonder if they are really mine-- maybe at a young age (like 5 or 6), somebody told me how I loved the lizards outside my window and my mind just fashioned a blurry picture of the view from my crib. Its hard to believe that a person can remember things that happened such a long time ago, especially when you cant remember what you had for lunch the day before yesterday or the name of your high school Physical Science teacher (Mr. Stockwell??) My minutes are nearly up, thank God cuz I need FOOD! Which will probably be Capn Crunch or a tuna sandwich since we need to go grocery shopping. Interesting exercise, too bad my thoughts are nowhere near as beautiful as the stream of con. in Ulysses. Right now food is the main thing on my mind, thank you for reading this.

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Well, I feel good about the fact that I am getting this assignment done well before it is due. Today is one of those days that I feel really motivated to do my homework, as opposed to those days in which I don't do anything worthwhile. The excitement of college is starting to wear off and I think that the reality of the fact that I am here is finally sinking in. I really hate the way this typing field doesn't automatically move the sentence down to the next line! I really don't seem to be thinking about anything interesting right now. I am just feeling average, not extremely excited or unhappy. I really cannot think of anything to type. I think my mind is clearing itself like it usually does when I sit down to right a paper. No stray thoughts seem to be coming to me. I am fairly excited about this psychology course. I think this course will not only be very interesting but helpful as well because I plan to go into medicine. Boy, this twenty minutes is going by slowly. I think I might be typing too much too fast. Perhaps I am supposed to sit and wait till a thought comes to me before I type. I have tried to type in my current thoughts and feelings. My roommate is typing on his computer as well, annoying. Now he has turned on his fan, which is fairly loud . he switched it off. Still no stray thoughts. I guess composing these sentences are thoughts. This assignment is all I am thinking about right now. Four minutes to go. Three minutes to go. I have to go out and buy an answering machine today. I have to get back before nine so I can make the upper East Jester floor meeting. Free pizza will be there! I hope its Double Dave's. Oh, they have good pepperoni rolls, I don't know about their pizza. Well, it has been 20 minutes.

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Okay here it goes. I am freezing in this computer lab doing this project that no one will ever read but, hey, I don't want to be negative. Let's start with something else. I want to start over already. I do that every time. Just like when I am about to serve a volleyball, I always get stuck for some reason and have to start over. it is like I don't trust what I am about to do. All I can really think of right now is how the professor, I don't even know his name, was talking about thinking about my Dog. Oh yea, Pennebaker. I am not really thinking anything at all now. this really makes this assignment difficult. I know that I’m not spelling any of these words right. My hands are so tired, I’m sure why. This reminds me of when I was a little girl, and I would lay in bed at night and try to see if I could think nothing. But I would always seem to be thinking two thoughts at a time. I would be thinking I'm thinking nothing, I'm thinking nothing" and at the same time, I would be singing a song in my head or something. I don't see how this project can work really. It seems like I have so many thoughts per second, that by the time I write down one thought, so many are missed that you don't get and accurate stream of consciousness. Some bell just went off. I thought it might a fire alarm but it's not. I don't think it would matter if it was, no one seemed to care. I always think about thoughts people have while they are one stage. And dreams. my friend Amber, her mom owns this weird new age shop where they have a lot of drean stuff. There is this woman that will tell you your future. Just like when I was working in New York, John, my boss, went to a psychic and I always think about this woman who's eyes are green like she is possessed or something. I thought john was really dumb to go to those things. He also did cocaine, man he was really messed up. I wish I would not have stayed at that job as long as I did. I wonder why there are some people like John, then there are some people that have a head on their shoulders. I guess I'm going to being learning about that in psychology. I hope my little brother makes it into this school next year, Mom and Dad say that his grades aren’t good enough. That sort of breaks my heart. I wonder how in the world I can really write down my thoughts when half the time, I don't even know what I’m thinking. It seems like the thoughts overlap some times. I can't wait till the results of the audition go up today. This assignment is funny, I bet a bunch of people come in here and write on this thing like it's a diary or something then someone out there reads it and tired man I'm tired 5 o’clock this morning I am just pushing buttons helping some guy out there make an experiment I am not even looking at the screen haven't been this whole time really I like pressing the space bar this makes me so self conscience because I am having the stupidest thoughts my eyelids are closing I don't want to go to lunch with that girl today she is so young my head id getting heavy this is funny like a dramatic comedy I guess I think in theatre terms a lot, huh I also think about my dad right now when I was growing up I can't remember when I started this thing but I think in a few minutes I will be done red headband cold on my arms nothing to do until noon sound of the computer next to me typing of the keys this chair hurts my back every time I push it up it falls down I brought an extra pad today oh, if that guy reads this I hope he don't get grossed out by that part. I love finding out about god. that sky was so beautiful sun big whole when I get sleepy, no one can understand me. big guy to my left sound again cut thoughts I just erased something I wrote down I ruined the experiment sounds off flipping pages that's it twenty

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I miss the way my life used to be a little bit. Everyone else seems to be having a so much fun which is cool and really I'm not having a bad time at all, it's just I feel like I'm missing something in my life up here. I don't have all the close friends around me that I used to which is bothering me in a way. Things will be get better I know it, cuz this is the way I feel at the beginning of my life after a big change happens. I'm kinda irritated at Marissa I guess because she just has it easy with the new people she's met. She always meets boys cus she's so pretty and silly. She's a perfect little blonde. I love her really and I have a good time with her I'm just tired of feeling like she's luckier. I think I like John which is really annoying but it's not my fault he wrote that dumb e-mail. I feel somewhat satisfied that he realized he does like me but can't have me cus I have someone else in my life. This computer is annoying. I hate computers that aren't like the one I have at home and that I know. I miss being able to chat on-line to Amy and steph and everyone else. I wish I could go to Canada just for the hell of it. I'm probably not the girl he would be looking for. he seems like the buff good looking ty0pe that everyone knows. oh well. My stomach keeps making these nasty noises whish gets embarrassing in class. I'm worried about school work. I know that I just need to keep on top of things and I'll be less stressed out and stuff. I just n4ed to get up tomorrow , go to class, then come back and do my Latin and then some math or something . Then do my bio after Latin and go to the discussion. I'll go run those errands and make those phone calls. maybe marissa will do them with me so we can hang. if not I'll call christina or someone. I want to get involved with the Wesly group so I can feel I have somewhere else to belong. I'm getting down, I can tell. I don't know why I can't get pepped again. I guess I shouldn't have gone home this weeke4nd. it made me homesick when I got back. maybe I just need to call someone or talk to a friend. john later or maybe Liz. Brady would be ok too. poor Brady likes me and I feel confused about him. I need to write to shawna or maybe call her too. what a phone bill. I need that cellular if I want to call Liz lots. I hate typing cus I look at the keys a lot. my fingernail looks nasty. I remember that day still and how calm and quiet it was. I miss a lot of stuff. I need to stop being this way, get some sleep and then get up and go about my day. this weekend will be cool at the football game. I just need to be friendly and meet people and stuff. one more minute I guess till I can stop. well, I bet I can stop now.

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I don't want to be in ROTC, but I have to strive for a scholarship. My parents can't afford to send me through all four years in college. I need money!! I hat ROTC. it's so stupid. Left face. Right Face. Bullshit. I don't want to be in the military. But to save my parents money I guess I'm going to have to put up with it. Oh well. Man I can't believe I slept I mean overslept through Nursing. I was there for only the last fifteen minutes of class. That makes two classes that I missed. Chemistry Lab and now this. I have to make straight A's I have to. I must succeed. My parents worked hard to see that I do. Damn it. I would be perfectly happy living in a small apartment working as a waitress well may be not a waitress. May be a teacher . Anything . I don't care how much money I make. But I owe it tom my parents. I'm not going to be like my brother. Damn I need to buy some shoe polish and some brasso for ROTC. Gaw I hate ROTC. I'm already taking fifteen hours plus four more hours or is it 3? of ROTC. That is too much for a freakin freshman. At least to me it is. Man twelve more minutes to go. I hate my roommate. She's such a bitch. She's a pig too. She ate all of my peaches. I said she could have one not twenty. I'm tired of techno music. I like rap and r&b. They don't play that shit down here. I wish Sabrina would hurry up. I'm hungry. I'm so stressed. I need a break. Summer was too short. I miss Louis. I miss sex. I need sex. That'll relieve my stress. But I can't do that. It's against my morals. Yeah right. Why don't I have sex? There are so many guys around here that would be more than willing to have sex with me. I'm so damn attractive. I'm like a magnet. I think that's the only thing really going for me. My looks. But that sure ain't going to last. I need to start concentrating on getting my mind fit instead of my body all the time. I wish I was as smart as other people. I want to be a pediatrician. No actually I want to be a veterinarian. But oh well. May be some other lifetime. Hopefully she or he would be more prepared than I was. I love Louis, but do I want to marry him. Will he be faithful to me. Does he really love me? I love his son so much. Perrion. Perrion. I love Perrion. I wish I could see him. I love him more than his father. I would do anything for that little boy. Damn I hate the mother. I have never been jealous of anyone in my life, except for her. Shelly Malley. I hate her. No I don't hate anyone. I'm such a nice person. I couldn't hurt a soul. That night I could've pounded her ass, but I didn't. I have self control and I have maturity. But damn it would have felt so good just to break her face. I miss Leona. I can't believe she didn't want to spend any time with me when I came down to visit. That hurt so bad. I loved that girl. She was like a sister to me. What happened? My loved ones are leaving me left and right. Soon daddy is going to pass away. No. I don't want you to daddy. I love you so much. Why can't god give some one else his pain and suffering. He doesn't deserve it god. Give it to fucking Charles Manson or that guy that killed that little girl in Killeen. But not my daddy. It's not fair. Okay 20 minutes passed. I'm done.

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My neighbor from across the hall is letting me use her computer because she is online. I went to Kinsolving and the lab was closed, that stunk. I'm very tired because I did not get very much sleep last night. Some girls on my wing and I were going to go to some Frat parties, but we wound up staying in the dorm and watching movies. It turns out one of my roommate’s friends is also in this psy. class, I thought that was really neat, although the class is so huge, it doesn't surprise me. I haven't seen very many of my high school friends here at UT, I really didn't want to talk about college because that is the other assignment, but it seems to be the most foremost thing on my mind right now. The Cowboys are kicking off their season tomorrow at noon!!! I worked for them for about nine months, so I am somewhat obligated to watch, that and the fact that my step-father has been a fan for 23 years or so. I was able to get him a bluebook autographed by Troy Aikman for Father's Day this year! I really enjoyed giving that to him I love giving gifts, it's my most favorite thing to do!!! I love to make people happy and some people think I'm crazy for that, but I think it's great. That's another reason I have enjoyed my intern ship with the Cowboys so much. When I get a letter about a sick child, my heart sinks and to know that sending something from the Cowboys will make them feel better or at least distract from the state they are in. Let's see 7 more minutes of writing. My roommate and I were talking about our special talents, I told her mine was finding holes in sidewalks!! Yes, if I walk down Guadalupe, I WILL fall in every hole and look like a fool in front of at least 20 people that happen to be walking by!! That is something else, hey!! I just found out that my step-mom got a new car, and my dad bought her old one from her. This is a man who says he cannot send me $100 a month, but can take a two week vacation to South Dakota and buy a new car in the same month!! Anyway, that subject somewhat depresses me. ok 2 more minutes of writing, I can handle it, hey I'll bet you can tell I'm a slow typer now, can't ya!!! Well it sure has been great talking to you. And as our good friend TEX would say: Goodbye and good luck.

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I'm feeling jealous right now. I got an email from one of my friends. She informed me that my x-girlfriend is now dating a new person. It makes me mad. I don't know why. I don't like her anymore. Oh, well, just forget it. I'm hot. maybe it has something to do with the recent news. I guess I just need to "cool off". I really like it here at UT. everybody is very nice. I’m trying to think of what to type. I’ve got this particular song in my head, and I can't get rid of it. it's aggravating. I’m tired. I wish I could take a nap, but the dorms are to loud. wow, she's pretty. I wonder if she'll be my future wife. maybe, maybe not. I wonder if I should ask Emily to dinner tonight. I can't think of a way to ask her without making it sound like a date. I fear being rejected. I guess that's what pisses me off about my x. she "just friended" me, but I think the real reason was never mentioned. I hope she rots in hell. Emily’s really nice. she seems really mature. I almost consider her a big sister, but not really. she just acts like she could be. I’m getting sick of jester food. it all tastes the same. like shit. she's attractive. every girl here is really pretty, with some exceptions of course. so far, it seems like college has been all play and no work, except for this of course. there's so many people here. sometimes it's overwhelming. so much diversity. and yet, so much organization. I really like the atmosphere. the game last night was a blast. I’ve never had so much fun at a game. so much spirit and energy running through the air. being in the band is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. it's taught me a lot. I think I’ve grown up so to speak. the idea of a computer lab strikes me as funny. all these people here, right next to each other, but there's still a sense of privacy. no one ever seems to look at other people's work. so much organization in so much chaos. I like Macs better than PC’s. I don't know why. they just appeal to me more. I wish I had a girlfriend. it's been a long time since I’ve been with someone. I miss it. I like the fact that my parents live here. we don't always get along, but I think that if they lived in another state, or even another city, I wouldn't be doing half as well here. I like the security. it's nice not having to miss them. and to not be homesick. I wish I could stay here forever. I don't want to have to get a job. but, at the same time, I often feel bad that my parents have to pay for my education. I’ve always been that way. I really love my family, I just don't know how to show it very well. I’m ready to start doing more work in classes. they're starting to get boring. I wonder what's to become of Ginny. I’ve always liked her, ever since high school. she lives so far away, Alabama. I’d love to date her. maybe because while I was with her, I never got the chance. damn, I wish I had the opportunity now. girls are so pretty. why? sometimes, they get in the way of more important things. sometimes I like the distraction, but sometimes it hurts me. I think I’m going to do well here. no problem. I’m very good at adaptation. I think my time's about up.

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Wow, this day has been hectic. I feel relieved that I got the math class I needed, finally. The people in the math dept. (at least sitting at the desk--- the ones I had, unfortunately, to deal with!) They were so rude and just did things at their own pace as if the students don't have classes or things to do. It was so annoying that the lady wouldn't let me fill out the permission form myself. I mean, I'm in college for God's sake! I can read and write and understand things pretty well. I think I can fill in the blanks for a unique # myself -- she wouldn't let me take it home since I hadn't decided which exact class of the 6 that I wanted. Then I had to come back the next day and wait in the long line again and deal with the same rude lady. I know their jobs are tedious and boring, but I don't like having to deal with adding and dropping either. You know, I just want to do it on Tex but I can't anymore! The biggest pain was all the running around I had to do for this and the frustration it gave me! I had to go to the professor's office find out his hours, then go to his hours the next day, sit in on class, find out that he doesn't accept late assignments and I've already missed 2 because of not being there, then trying to do the homework, getting the book, doing the homework, getting help from a friend, going back to the math dept. to find out if there was an opening in the class which there wasn't, going back at 8am to wait until they decided to open their doors around 8:45, find out the professor I wanted still doesn't have an opening and almost having to go through the whole process again, but the lady finally being nice to me and letting me go into another class and another professor without getting all the stuff signed. She said we were the last 5 people to get in and they had to take us so we didn't (thank G-d) have to go through it again. Now lets just hope I can understand this professor and that maybe he'll let me make up the assignments I've missed. I used to like math, but at the moment I am very ticked off at he entire idea of math because of this whole ordeal. In every other aspect of the university, or in many of them but not really all, I feel like I matter and I am not just my ssn. But dealing with this I feel like I am just being pushed around and can't get what I want. I know I won't always be able to get the classes I want or the times I want, I didn't get exactly what I wanted even registering in the first orientation this summer, but I am definitely lucky in that I got almost what I wanted it seems to work out. I just feel so unimportant because of this math dept. lady who could care less about me and my problem. I really expected her to tell me I had to go through the whole procedure again. Maybe she does have a heart since she didn't make me do it. I don't know. I just feel so, so small and belittled I guess. I don't know how to put it, I just feel bad in some strange way. Other than that problem and a few others that I need to take care of, I am really doing well here. I really feel at home and that I belong here. Coming from Atlanta, GA and moving, I know I'd love it, but I tried not to get my hopes up too high so that if things didn't work exactly as I planned I wouldn't be disappointed. I guess it worked because I do have to deal with these few problems and another big one, but I am still loving it! I am so glad to be here! I really feel like I mad the right decision. I'm meeting so many people and some of them I've already become great friends with because they are already caring and helping me with my problems and I'm helping them too. I'm really making some great bonds here! I feel so loved! And they don't call me to go out because they feel badly for me or anything, I feel that they genuinely want to hang out with me. Maybe that's just my perception but I really feel that way. and now I'm questioning myself, but I am serious and not just trying to make myself believe that. at least, I think so. But now I think I'm analyzing it all too deeply because I'm thinking -- but what if subconsciously I'm really just making myself believe that. I don't know. But I truly feel that it is a genuine feeling that I have that my friends are true friends for true reasons! Ok. I think I'll stop here before I analyze every bit of this!

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As I sit here in my dorm room, I am thinking about what I am supposed to do tonight. I have signed with the fraternity Sigma Alpha Mu and I am not sure what pledging is going to be like. It could be tough and it could be easy. My roommate is here and he is going to take a nap so I need to try to be quiet as I type. I am kind of anxious about this year and what the year will be like. There are so many people here and I am not sure whether I am fitting in well or not. Anyway, I get side tracked easily. I am going to the house at 7 PM and there we are going to be introduced to all the older guys and then we will probably introduce ourselves to the rest of the pledge class. I am anxious to meet all the cool guys who I am going to be spending the rest of my life with in college and hopefully there after also. I miss all my close friends at home. I live in Atlanta Georgia and they are mostly going to UGA but some of them are spread out across the country. I miss my friend Pamela the most and my best friend Michael the 2nd most but hey I hope they come and visit but if they don't oh well. My mom worries me cause she thinks I am doing alot of bad thing s here at school but really I’m not and I am being a good kid and trying to make good grades. I miss my little brother too. he is 13 years old and he is in 8th grade. I hope that he is having fun in junior high school cause I know I did. I keep telling him that high school is the best time of your life. He believes me but he cannot wait until next year when he can go to high school. My great grandmother is very sick and she is 97 years old. I went to visit her the day before I left for school and I was thinking that I may never see her again. She has lived a long and happy life and whenever the time comes, I know that god was the one who wanted her up there. M<y roommate is going to nap now for real and I am supposed to wake him up in an hour. I hope I’m not still typing by then. The room is quiet now and I am the only one still making noise. My suite mates are all out at class and they will be back soon. I kind of always think about what I am going to be when I get older and when I am married and who am I going to marry and what my profession is going to be. I want to be an orthopedic surgeon but that is very hard to be and I am not sure if I can be that. But I set my goals already and that is my destiny for my future. I want to be successful and have a family of 4 and a nice looking, perfect wife who loves me for who I am not for what I look like or how much money I make. I am ending my stories with a quote :Shoot for the moon cause if you miss you will be amongst the stars.

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I just got off AOL with my best friend form back home I get to go back to see her this weekend her family loves me her mom wants us to get married one of these that would be cool with me she’s hot I don’t know though cause I still really like my ex girlfriend we have talked a lot since I came here she goes to school in Hawaii we broke up but we have still dated on and off I really miss her I don’t miss many of my other friends too much that s ok I am watching Sniffled while I do this I love this show it is the funniest I love school here except it is always busy I passed up on a frat party to do this and cause I got to work at 8 am I cant afford to go any longer with out sleep it has been a week since I got more than 4 hours of sleep I think ill sleep early tonight I will ask one of my friends form back home to our pledge party this weekend I'm an ATO were number 2 on campus in ratings what are ratings any way nothing this girl is hot I wanted her for a long time in kingwood but I never really got far with her she is an a d pi they are a big sorority here I'll ask her tomorrow I think but she has a boyfriend I want some taco bell it is my favorite food I ate Mexican food for 4 nights in a row I haven’t had any for z

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I have been typing friends and family for a while now, and I noticed today that my most creative writing is then! When I have no worries, no cares, and just let go of all those ideas that I keep losing when it comes to the time when your dreaded English class requires a ten page paper. < and I'm wondering why this line will not stop, this page must be really long! Wow, or the typing very small. (Deep breath), the guy next to me just passed out onto his keyboard but- up(!) he's okay. Back to the computer idea. I believe that sometimes computers get mad at me for figuring them out, so they crap out completely. Just simply have no cure at all. The one story I want to tell is short and sweet, but a little scary. IT is the reason why I thought I'd never use a computer again, but I went against my promises, and forced myself to join this growing, technological world once again. This is really difficult. I wasn't going to write this in the LAB, but I have a large space of time between my two classes today, a four-hour space. Which is good, I do believe. I think that there are some people at the LABs who are a little too curious about what is being written on computers next to them. Ya know, "I wonder what other people are up to?" I admit that I've looked at a few words typed up on someone else's screen, but not as rudely as the guy who is sitting next to me. Possibly, if I tell him straight out, he'll stop, but, nope, I'm a little too shy for that. I think he'll catch on if he reads this. GET A LIFE! no, that is a little cruel. I actually have changed my mind. You can read my screen if you want. I changed my mind after I saw the movie "DREAM WITH THE FISHES" very good movie. It won't be out on the screen by the time you read this I don't think. I may actually be gone by then too. I wonder. How can you stand reading -actually, I changed my mind. I'd enjoy reading people's true odd thoughts. But I like to put a visual subject to their writing, I like to know what their appearance is. I ask myself, is that wrong to want to know what that person looks like? I really don't give a shit about what I look like once I'm out in public, but -I got off the whole point- Some people's beliefs have to be proven by their actions, and sometimes their actions will be expressed through the appearance. These are such strong words that can honestly screw someone over; especially if they are into politics. What the hell, I need to read back and see what I was aiming for. Oh, the guy who likes to read the screen, and the movie (!) it's time to compare and contrast. In "Dream with the Fishes", one of the two main characters, the one who's point of view is taken throughout the movie, he is a very simple, depressed, and desperate, business man. His favorite pastime (which the second character made him admit to him) was looking at people through his binoculars, through the city windows, across to the apartment buildings. This is a really good movie, I suggest seeing it. Okay, I'm going scatter again. Well, the second character knew all along that the business man watched him, but didn't mind. He knew that it was all the business man had, so he let him. This was not the main portion of the movie or anything, it's not that dull, it was just a simple twist to make the movie a little more unique. That brings me to another point, why must people spend so much time making movies which resemble fifty other movies? Maybe a hundred or more? I don't even bother to go to the ones with same plots, or no plots. But I AM a movie freak! I might even want to get into that someday. I'll have to improve on my grammar a bit, and get used to being in the dark a lot, with fictional, or replayed stories being projected in front of me. I COULD do that. But I think my interests will take their own path, according to availability. Oh! I just remembered that I need to get some toothpaste, and possibly some other stuff, but being a typical college student, I think I can only afford toothpaste. I HAVE noticed around here that these kids around me are very rich actually. (with a sly movement of the eyebrow) What's up with that? This is supposed to be real life right? Well, another form of real life just growled at me, I'm starving, and must go. Thank you very much if you read this. You know a few secrets which I would tell no one. Well, not real individual secrets, just train of thought that I would never admit to someone else. And although you have my name, it's no matter cause I don't know who you are. See ya

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Okay, I’m not so sure where to begin. only that I feel betrayed. betrayed by a friend that I valued. I don't understand how it happened, but I know that things will never be the same again. I sort of thought that college might bring us closer together, but I have discovered that no matter where we are, he is a million miles away. I used to think I could get through to him, but I guess I was wrong. my friends tell me he is a part of the past, and that I should look to the future, but right now I think he just breaks my heart. perhaps I’m thinking a little to much about this. I just need to get over it. until I do, I won't be able to connect with others because I’m not reachable right now. my friends all warned me this would happen, but, as usual, I wouldn't listen. I just can't help it, I want to do things my own way. do I understand myself? no. sometimes I think that I am a total psycho and I’m surprised I haven't scared people off already. I've met some nice people, but I’m just not open for new friends right now, which is such a bad idea at this point in my life. well, it's not that I’m not open to making new friends, it's that I have to let go of the past before I can pursue anything else. the trouble is that I know he is not thinking about this as much as I am. perhaps that is what hurts me the most. just knowing that our friendship meant more to me than to him. I talk to his friend, and his friend says to give it time. I’m trying to, I swear. I’m entirely too emotional about these things, I guess. I miss my best friends. I need someone to talk to. I’m not sure about this whole sorority thing, but maybe I’ll find my friends there. who knows? thank God all those girls don't fit the sorority stereotype. that would be hell. but some of them are actually very cool. that makes me feel better because when I first met them all, I was scared shitless. I was so afraid, I almost cried. sometimes I think about what I’m getting myself into, and I get scared again, but not like that. I’ve never been scared like that. this such a scary place for me right now. maybe if I felt secure with my friends. I just think that this one guy will never really talk to me again, and it bothers me a lot. I just need to find something else to occupy my time. I really think he thinks I’m a psycho. I’ve got to stop thinking about this. remember what Ashley said: don't try to force things, if it's meant to be, it will happen. I’m trying to keep that in mind, Ash. I guess everything is up to God at this point. it's all a matter of trust. At times I’m just not willing to let someone else handle it. I’ve just got to let go. of everything. this guy is not the only thing I’ve been worrying about. I worry about my best friends. all of us at different schools. I think about what they're doing and if they're drunk right now or scared. sometimes I worry about myself. I kind of have a low self esteem. this sounds strange, but I think I like it. not liking myself. I think, in a way, it keeps you from getting arrogant. but on the other hand, maybe that, too, is a different kind of arrogance. thinking about yourself all the time, whether it be good or bad. why can't I reach you? where are you? I've got to stop thinking about things. the trouble with me, is that I don't obsess over many things, but the ones I do, it's often and it totally eats away at my life. it can kill me pieces at a time. I’ve lost my appetite and sometimes my desire to go out. but when I’m sitting there, holed up in my room feeling sorry for myself, I know that the rest of the world is moving on without me. especially here. at college. where no one cares. oh, Matchbox 20 is on the radio. that song really "Push" really hits me. some songs make me cry if they fit a particularly depressing aspect of my life well enough. I want to connect with other people the way that song connects with me. I just need to keep an open mind and get out there and do it. Carey told me once that I need to get off my butt and do things because I’m not always going to get an invitation. this reminds me of Tim off in Colorado. I'm so glad Patch called to see if I could come home for Tim's birthday. I guess the relief lies in the security that comes from anything associated with Pre-college. but I wouldn't go back if I could. I was the one of my friends saying how excited I was to leave. and I was. I’m glad I’m here, but now that I’m here, I don't know what to do. I really like this stream of consciousness stuff, and this is not because I’m trying to kiss butt or anything, it's just that I write a lot of stuff like this to let off steam. it's my own form of closure for the problems in my life. I’m thinking about going into journalism, but who knows? it was the FBI last week. I think that if you don't have anyone to talk to, you have to at least write things down. I’m starting to be friends with Brian. I hope we get to be good friends. the trouble with college is that people all know that everyone needs friends, but you can't be best friends with everyone. the friend that you find that you really relate to is rare. I’m still searching. I feel like I’m Holden Caulfield in Catcher. this kills me.

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Stream Of Consciousness As I sit behind this bleak, gray screen, I find myself wanting to yank my dirty blonde locks of hair right out of their follicles. Sure, so far college has been a lot of fun. Why doesn't this program allow me to scroll down to the next line without pushing "enter"? Am I supposed to keep on typing without pushing "enter" until I hit some kind of barrier and can't type anymore? Well, I'm going to operate on the assumption that I should make my own right margin. Back to being completely stressed, I have so many things that I have to do right now, that is, before tomorrow. So, why the heck am I doing this assignment when I have until the 12th to turn it in? I guess that's my nature. I tend to want to do the "fun" things first. If my mother could see me now, she would freak. I wonder what would happen if I got my upper ear pierced? I bet my mom would kill me. She nearly freaked out when I had my belly button pierced. I feel extremely guilty for having done that behind her back, but I feel even more guilty for upsetting her and ruining my innocence in her eyes. My roommate wants me to pierce her ear for her. I honestly don't think that I am capable of inflicting that kind of pain on another individual. Sure, I can pierce my own bellybutton, but when I see another person in pain, I feel twice as bad as they most likely do. Oh well, I'll just give Tracy the money to go have it professionally done. This pushing "enter" is really beginning to frustrate me. I keep typing way over the right limit and having to erase and go back and re-type what I already typed. I think I need a computer. I hate having to work and concentrate amongst all the hundreds of other people here at the SMF (the Smurf. I smile everytime I hear that). I wanted to buy a computer, and I do have the money since I sold my motorcycle, not by my own choice, but by my mothers. I realize that was a run-on sentence, but I'm not about to go back and fix it. I wonder if anyone is actually going to read this or not. I'm just glad that I haven't had any demented thoughts since I have started typing. Not that I have those often, but we all have certain weird thoughts that we really don't care to admit having. At least, I hope so. I bet whoever reads this is going to think that I'm a bad person. I'm really not. I like to think of myself as daring and thrill seeking. My mother likes to think of me as unconventional and improper and borderline ignorant. So, here I am at UT to prove her wrong. I've taken a step in the right direction by joining a sorority. I think that should be fun as long as I can stay on the good side of the girls in the sorority. It has been my experience that after anyone has known me for a long enough period of time, they grow tired of my companionship and toss me aside like yesterday's trash. This is one of the most confusing and hurtful things in my life. I don't understand it. I think I'm the nicest person that I know. I'm always willing to do things for others to make them happy. I'm a great listener, and I put everything I've got into everything that I do (friendships especially). I've been told that things will change and that things will get better in college. So far, I've found that to be very true. I've met so many wonderful people that I can't wait to know better, but the first 18 years of my life has me trained to wonder how long it will be before they drop me. Oh well. my twenty minutes is almost over with and I have successfully typed myself into a foul mood. I really hope no one reads this. I'm going to leave the Smurf, go back to Castilian and enjoy being with my new friends while they still like me!

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I am sitting in my suitemates room listening to them hang up a poster. I need to go and wash clothes, and I am also kind of hungry. I feel like I don’t get out of this dorm much but what am I going to do. I want to call my grandma and see how she is doing and my computer needs to be fixed. Right now I am getting bored in this room because its not mine. They really need a TV in here I couldn’t go without one. with no TV and video games I would get bored very easily. I feel like playing pool but I am not that good at it, and it just frustrates me. My brother is the one who can fix my computer so I need to give him a call. Haven’t seen him in a while. Haven’t seen my sister in an even longer time, need to talk to her too. she always studies and her cats are really cute. Every time I think of my sister, I think of her cats at the same time. Thinking of her cats reminds me of when they were at my house, with my dogs, one of which just died. I miss that dog. We’ve had him I guess since I was in second or third grade, He was eleven, so that would mean we’ve had him since I was seven, thetas a long time, had a dream about him last night, him and my other dog Brittany, who died a year before him. It always makes me sad when I think about those dogs. Now the stereo is playing and it reminds me of how loud this thing can play, just hearing bass in my room. Gotta stop hitting the wall when that happens. I need to go out tonight, haven’t done that in a while, did my studying, now just need to find some place to go. I wonder how my dad is taking all his kids being off to school. Haven’t really talked to him about it and I don’t know how to bring something like that up. I really miss my 4 wheeler at home, I loved riding that thing, I wonder if there is anywhere to ride up here. need to win the lottery so that I can get some more 4 wheelers. my last ride in El Paso was the day before I left, with a friend of mine, who now for some reason I feel a lot closer to. its weird. Cant wait until Thanksgiving so that I can ride. Now all I can think about is that my twenty minutes are almost up and I wonder what I am going to do after I’m done here. Probably just kill time until I go and eat dinner. Hope they have something good tonight, because the lunch menu sucked. Feel like hanging out with some of my friends from home tonight, haven’t done that in a while. OK, times up.

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Ok twenty minutes. what am I going to do tomorrow night? What am I going to do tonight I've got lots of work to do. Man, there's lots to do and little time to do it in. I can't wait, till I finish this. only. too much time left. What else, to write about. I have no stream of consciousness. ok, it's great to be next door to the RA, there's always a party next door, it makes it easier to study that way. what else, what else. I’ve got lots to do tonight. what else. Austin, cool place. my roommate’s studying, that’s what I've got to do. I wish I had a TV. it gets so boring at night. I’ve got to call my girlfriend, man I miss her. . boy I’m tired. this doesn't look like a lot of writing for. . 6 minutes. only six minutes. that means there's fourteen minutes left. I've got a real impressive stream of consciousness, and I’m a good speller too Fish think better than I do. what else. uh. I've got to go to the store buy some food. go work out tomorrow. am I almost done yet. nooo. lots more time left A guy in a coma, probably has a better stream of consciousness. what do I need to do tomorrow. I think I’m going to apply for a credit card. why not? man I’m hungry. ten minutes left. halfway through. psychology. I hope this class will be interesting. it's a lot different than I thought it would be, all we do is fill out surveys about stuff. Oh well,, I’m not looking forward to doing these experiment/research requirements. But it's gotta be better than writing a paper I guess he paper is used as an alternative, because they know nobody will want to write a paper. and they want everybody to participate in the experiments seven minutes left UT, UT, there's a game on Saturday, I’m gonna have to get my tickets tomorrow before they're all out. I don't want to sit all the way up at the top. my first game, can't wait, gonna be cool. I’m glad I didn't go to Aggieland five minutes and counting. What else. chemistry. I’ve got too much to do English. she assigned over one hundred pages of reading in two days. Chemistry. calculus. way too much too think about. college is gonna be more difficult than highschool, I can already tell this. three minutes. not bad. Wow I just got e mail I wonder who it is,,, I’d like to know, but I've got two minutes left. It doesn't seem like its been twenty minutes. but oh two minutes left. I’m sure this is not what they wanted. but that’s me twenty four hours a day pretty sad. oh well. come on come on one minute. yes well this has been fun, at least I've gotten it finished. alright.

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Today has been the worst and most stressful day ever. All I want is for something to go right! I tried to dot his paper about thirty seconds ago but it didn't work because again I've messed something up! I was talking about this in my last stream of consciousness paper that I thought was gone but realized after I had erased half o of it that it was really still there! AAhhh! Can something please go right? My Ethernet card was not properly packaged and is causing me and a few others serious drama because we've all been trying to make it work for four days now. I don't even know if I'm supposed to push enter when I get near the end of the line but I figure better safe than sorry as far as grades go. I just looked at the clock and I've only been writing for four minutes. Why does time go by so slowly when it counts. Speaking of timing, mine is the worst! I always like guys either before or after they like me but never while they like me. Whenever I like a guy I'm to shy, stupid, scared, immature to let him know, and by the time or if he likes me I have lost interest! Or they never have interest in the first place and I find that challenging and will pursue that guy instead of the one who likes me! Or in one case I'll find out that after liking me four two straight years, he decides to change sex preferences when I like him. AHHH! Actually I had my chance and now I'll have to live with regret forever, or until he wants an opposite sex relationship! Ten minutes to go and I'm running out of self-deprecating and embarrassing stories of my miserable unromantic life! I want someone who respects the fact that I'm not a traditional female and that likes my odd sense of humor and is also funny himself and finds me attractive. . Which reminds me as I look above my roommate’s computer of another guy who I let slip through the cracks Even though there was a slim chance of anything ever happening, I never acted on my feelings, Wait a minute I did spill my guts while playing truth or dare with him and other friends. I wish I could play truth or dare with the other guy I like(d) so that he'll know that it was me and not him that kept us ;apart, I liked you then and I liked you up until I found out there was no chance for us and I resented you a little! Someday I'll get up the courage to tell him! It is about twenty degrees Fahrenheit in my lovely room in Jester East on the tenth floor. The air Conditioning vent is blowing right in my face as I type. I have been having stomach problems all day, and they are starting to resurface, I almost passed out at the draw for the football game against Rutgers this Saturday, I refuse to paint my face half orange and half white as my roommate hopes I will. One minute to go and I'm starting to feel relieved that I wont have to think about this particular assignment ever again. Five percent of my grade is secured and pretty soon I'll be doing those psych experiments and that will be easy too. I'm majoring in psychology but I used to want to be an architect. Oops, I got carried away and wrote one minute over, now it is two.

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OK. I don't know much about this computer stuff. I was lucky to even get on to this homepage. Well I just got disconnected and I think my tension level just went up a few notches. I am felling really sick already and I went this day to end. I was planning to go work out tonight but it is too late. I still have math and history work left to do. I really hate math, I can't understand anything that is being said. It really makes me feel like an idiot. I look at my friends here and they all understand everything that is being said . I wish my math class in high school had taught me more. I guess tomorrow I will get up to go run. Ok. I just hit another wrong button , now I really feel worthless. I am going to have so much trouble this semester, when am I going to get to the classes that I really want. It is looking like I'm going to graduate college in another twenty years. As long as I do my best then I guess everything will work out. I miss my family and my friends back in Ohio. I wish that I could go back sometimes. If there was anything to go back to. I don't think that they really care that I am so far away. It is like I think to myself that things might be so much better there. Like if I went back then my life would all make since. I think that I would be confused anywhere I go. Well my typing is starting to slow down now. My hands are getting tired. God, I should have taking a typing class in High school. My sweet mate is watching late night and it is starting to get on my nerves. It is so loud. please let my twenty minutes be up. I need to get my act together if I don't then I will just be wasting my parents money. Maybe I should give my parents a call. But I think that I will wait for them to call me. I need to prepare for school. I need to try to socialize more. If I could manage more time. Maybe I should be an actor and work as a waiter in New York in the mean time. But there I go again with my fantasies. I'm probably stuck with a boring life like most people. Well my twenty minutes is up, I hope that my slow typing has ruined this survey.

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I am so pissed right now because I was almost done and then my sweetmate's phone rang and I got disconnected and now I am just hoping that the phone doesn't ring again, I would like to get this done before the weekend begins. I am very excited about this weekend I think that it is going to be alot of fun. We are doing many things, let's see. Tonight we are going to Hillele first, which is a religious service (Jewish). Those are always nice,. Hillel reminds me of camp which I love. I go to a religious overnight camp in Wisconsin, Ramah. In my last letter I was wondering if anyone is even reading this, maybe you are just checking that we did this and that's it. I mean, it has to be incredibly boring to read 500 of these. although, as a psychologist maybe it is totally interesting, you get to analyze all of us. Those surveys well, I thought they were sort of pointless, just because as the teacher said (or you said if you are reading it), the research is meaningless if the patient knows what is being tested. It's not that I knew the hypothesis for all the surveys but they were pretty obvious and I could tell what the researchers were looking for. I like psychology so far though, I don't know if I am going to agree with everything though. I will have to see, but a friend of mine told me that it gets very logical and I am not the biggest supporter of logic. That must sound very stupid, well, that's not exactly what I mean, but I read this book, actually a short story, Teddy by JD Salinger, who I love and Teddy said you have to look at the world without logic to understand things better. He said that when Eve bit in the apple, she was really biting into logic. This seems very long, I have been writing for a while I also think I should stop because I am very nervous that the phone

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my roommate just called- she wants me to go get the vacuum cleaner from Vivian. I don’t want to do this because she'll say something about my bike, or the music. and I have to tell her about the fire alarm batteries being out because it was beeping. just while I was writing this I was thinking several different thoughts. I think it's not good that I don’t respect vivian's wishes. I really admire her because she's so old. I am not as nice as I used to be. it's funny to think about writing for twenty minutes straight. but then again, we're always thinking, so why should it be hard to write what you're thinking. it's getting easier for me to put my into words, which is good for my relationships, and not to mention my future. I still don't talk that much though because I don't like saying something about nothing. but I guess that's a skill too. oh well- not one of mine. James and I have been getting along really well. ever since I fell asleep on his couch wishing to end the relationship because the passion was not there. then he picked me up in his arms, and took me to his bed and I must have cried for 30 minutes at least. he's so good to me. turns out the passion was dormant. for us to have fun and not argue so much, we've both realized each other's work loads, acknowledged my problems about the past, seeing how we react to each other, and respond lovingly to each other. thinking of what I just wrote sounds unnatural to me. but in reality, in this case at least, it came automatically. he realized how upset I was, and I realized how much he cared. he's pretty much the leader. his feelings are much more dominant, and he's stronger and truer than me. maybe because I don't always know what I want. then he makes it apparent that he's what I want. I miss being able to play the field, but what good is that when I have a really good person already? he makes me laugh and we love, which is most important in the person I share most my time with. men with potential, men that can show me the world. they can be my friends. like Sean. like jt. probably like any one that comes into my life- everyone has something to offer. and I will take it. James just has more than the average Joe. oooo - I've already spent 15 minutes. I should do this everyday for 10 minutes. not only is it a break from numbers, but I acknowledge my thoughts, and I can go back and read it in the future to see my development. I want to be a model or an actor. I want the spotlight. sometimes. I want to be a better gymnast. I don’t want to be judgmental. I want a copy of this.

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Today I bought the new Omoide Hatoba CD. Pure noise and noise art are very interesting forms of music. Sometimes there are lyrics to these songs. Most of the time they are just phrases being repeated, or just screams. Some bands have gone so far as to create their own languages. This type of music bypasses your brain and hits you straight in the gut. Words are a very limiting way of expressing how this music makes you feel. I need to remember to go to the video store tomorrow and rent "purple rain. " Prince is very talented as a musician and actor. I would love top see him in concert. I really hope that the October 24 pavement concert will be confirmed soon. I cant believe that my English teacher is good friends with the lead singer. This is a strange assignment, it makes me wonder what other people will write, and who will read this. Will anyone read this? What if someone writes something truly "offensive" It's not their fault. One cannot be responsible for their words when they free write. Can you imagine if there was an assignment where the teacher tells the students, "Ignore all social constraints and act freely for the next 20 minutes"? That would be pretty wild. In my everyday speech I often swear. By not swearing in this am I limiting myself. But how far can one free write? How much can you open yourself up until its just words thrown together? Grammar is not important to this, yet I assume you expect some common grammar to hold this together. Am I not free writing now? I would like to go on tour with a professional wrestling league and write about their tragic lives. Professional wrestlers mutate their bodies with steroids to the point where they no longer seem human. They destroy their bodies and on occasion fight in steel cages. I wonder if they ever look in the mirror and ask themselves, "what have I done?" "I'm not even human anymore" Their job is to fake fight. The world of celebrities is quite interesting. I wonder if their is an equation that could make someone famous. I could use the scientific method. My hypothesis could be "If one writes a song on the piano (Elton John style) about celebrity after they die, it will be a success. " I could have started this when Versace died and continued it when Diana died. Of course this would not sum it all up, but after numerous studies, I feel I could ultimately find a mathematical secret to success in the entertainment field.

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Ok, I'm doing this stream of consciousness thing. MTV is on in the background, and I'm remembering when I went to see them in concert at Jamboree in Tinley Park ,IL. Everyone thinks I'm crazy because I came from IL all the way to Texas. I don't feel crazy though. I wanted a change and I really love it down here. I wonder what Taveau is doing right now. She isn't answering my e-mail. Ok, it's only been a day , I'm just being impatient. Anyway, I wonder why she doesn't go by Taveau. I like it a whole lot better than Melanie. And I seriously wonder if she's straight or not. I just want to come right out and ask her, but that's not really something you want to ask someone you just established contact with. I hate Hanson. They're such one hit wonders. And the one hit is called MMMMMBop. How incredibly stupid is that? They're like a younger , related New Kids. Speaking of New Kids, how about Spice Girls? There's another total lack of talent engineered for success. It's sad when losers like that are valued in our popular culture. What's a great idea? That commercial just said something was a great idea. I know what a great idea would be: if I would start to do my Calculus homework. Sometimes I wonder if I actually want to pass that class. I wonder what I could do to welcome Daniela-my roommate-back home after this weekend. God, she's so stuck on her boyfriend. I guess that 's pretty typical for our age group, but still. I don't know, I guess I just don't understand that level of dependence. Then again I moved from Joliet, IL to Austin, TX with exactly eight minutes of crying. I wonder if that makes me psycho or just morbid or something. Chris Rock is so funny. I love this commercial. Whoever had the idea of having Chris Rock in imitation videos for promos needs to get an award. God, I hope Jewel doesn't come on . That one song makes me so incredibly homesick for my friends. I do miss them , but I don't really miss my parents all that much . Daniela is always telling me how cold that is , but I can't help it, it's not intentional, it's just how I feel. Ok, Jewel did come on, but at least it was just YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME, OOPS I just hit the tab key and scrolled way down to the bottom. I'm so dumb with computers, I swear. I know so much less about them than all the people around me. I'm confident I'll learn, but I just wish we would've had that experience prior to college. Daniela's talking about that one snoopy girl in her Plan 2 group. She's really screwy. She doesn't even know if her computer is a PC or a Mac. I guess I'm one up on her. hey, how much longer am I supposed to write? only a couple more minutes. Oh well. Jamiroquai's on now. I saw him in concert too. Oh, that just made me a little sad. We all went to that concert about two weeks before we graduated, and we all sang FRESHMEN together, and , I don't know. I feel like I'm babbling, but I guess that's pretty much the whole point. I remember Dr. Pennebaker telling us not to worry, some one would eventually read these. Well, I don't really care if anyone reads this or not. I 'm not really saying much of anything. I don't even feel like I'm saying anything important. I wonder if I should have put on that survey thing that I was bisexual. Not only is that non-confidential, but they may not want me because I could upset the demographics of their study. Oh well, I'll let them deal with that. Time's up. I hope this was at least somewhat interesting to whoever got condemned to read this.

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Well right now I have to go to the bathroom but I can't because I'm doing my assignment. I am also very hungry I drank an orange juice for breakfast and I didn't eat much for lunch So now food is on my mind. I have to go to my dorm and read a lot because I haven't read anything for any of my classes including psy (oops! should I have written that!??) I also hope that I get a job at BEVO's on the drag. I would have to work early in the morning but I really need money right now because I am so broke. I feel awful because of all the expenses my mother has to pay. I just want to help out a bit. I need to go exercising I went to the gym yesterday for about 30 minutes and I went walking for about an hour. I am, trying to lose weight for this dorm function on the 27th all these girls are going to be in these skimpy bathing suits and usually wear a T-shirt over mine. Not this time!! I'm gonna wear a bathing suit without a T-shirt what an accomplishment that will be!! I still have to go to the bathroom. Not real bad it's just like this nagging pain in my bladder (sorry that's kinda gross!) But that's exactly what I'm thinking! My shoulder hurts. It feels sore, my right one. Not from typing I think It's from walking last night. It was really weird because my fingers got swollen from all the blood rushing into them while I was walking last night. I felt really good because I was getting lots of exercise. I'm also glad because I quit smoking I never really started but I smoked 1 then 2,3,4,5,6,7!! and that's when I decided that It was a bad habit and I didn't want to get addicted. There are some many wonderful things to look forward to lung cancer, smoker's hack, bad breath, smelly clothes and emphysema! Besides my mother would kill me before and of those other things got to. My dad smoked and he finally quit. But know he smokes cigars occasionally I told him to quit so now I'm taking my own advice. The minute I finish I going to the bathroom and after that I'm going to go EAT I'm starving' food, food, I want food. After that I'll do my Lab, study, take a bath and go to bed. I can't wait!! Well I'm not really looking forward to the studying part but that's the reason I'm here!! Well I've come to the end of my twenty minutes so I guess I'll have to say. . ADIOS!!!

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Twenty minutes seems like a long time. It amazes me how weird time is. Like when you're sitting in a plane waiting to get off and it seems like hours, but it's only minutes. I spend alot of time on planes. My dad is a pilot. I fly free. I don't know what I will do after college, because then I don't fly free anymore. I won't be able to go anywhere whenever. My roommate is in the shower. She has a sorority thing tonight. I'm not in a sorority. I'm glad, it's not the place for me. A guy died in my hometown last weekend. I t was strange, because my roommate had just commented on deaths happening in threes, and Mother Theresa and Princess Diana had just died. I didn't know the guy at all, but still, that could have been anyone. I think about that a lot. Death. Like what if someone died that I knew, but I had never told them what they mean to me. That's selfish, I know, but that's what we are, we're selfish. We as in humans. A friend of mine in my psych class knew the guy who died. I like country music, but most people don't. I just started liking it last year, because my boyfriend at the time got me hooked on it. My back hurts. I like to rub people's backs. I wish someone was here to rub mine. Tonight I'll be alone in the dorm. I like that sometimes everyone just gets on your nerves. My roommate and I knew each other in high school. We have gotten along amazingly well so far. Knock on wood. I have never been in a car accident, when I was driving. My brother messed up his knee in a car accident. I like this song. He had to have his ACL ligament redone. He can be such a baby. I think men have an amazingly low pain tolerance. I really think that they just aren't as well equipped for pain. That's just a personal opinion. I give lots of personal opinions. People tell me I'm opinionated. I don't like people who can't discuss their opinions and thoughts. It's important to be able to communicate. I'm a speech major. My undergrad advisor is great. I met him at orientation, and I love him. He tells you exactly what he thinks and that is so important. I don't like this song. It's one of those depressing love songs that is so typical of country. I wonder if I'll get married. I think I want to, but not kids. I do not want kids. That's another one of my opinions. How can we bring a child into this world? So then people ask me if I wish I hadn't been born. Two completely different concepts. Anyway, I'm gonna call my Aunt Holly. She is like a second mother to me. I live my mother. She really is my lifeline. That's a scary thought, like could I survive without her? Of course, she raised my to be a survivor. I love basketball. My mom and I watch games together all the time. The Rockets are my favorite team. I also like Dennis Rodman. But I hat e the bulls. Rodman always says what he is thinking. Some people think he's a little tooo crazy, but I love it. H breaks the mold. That's commendable in my book. I miss my cousins. One of them is a big basketball fan. He and I always talk basketball. I'm almost done, twenty minutes did not take as long as I thought it would. I really like this song. I'm finished!!

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I guess I won't be looking forward to this weekend. Why? I won't be going home. At least I'll be able to get some work done if I stay here. It's hard to concentrate at home because there are so many distractions. All I know is that I have to focus on my studies. This feels weird just babbling on. I don't even know where this is even heading. I feel like such a fool sitting here typing up things on this screen that don't even make sense. I'm stuck. Okay, never mind, I'll think of something to say. At least I should be happy that I was able to get access to this computer. Stuck again. It's amazing how when I'm asked to say things, I usually don't know what to say. This feels weird. Maybe the next time I do this, I should do it in a private place, so people won't be wondering what the heck I'm doing or constantly looking over at my screen to catch a glimpse of what it is I'm doing here. Who cares anyway. I can't believe have so much work to do when I get back. Forget about that for now. I'll deal with that later. I wish I wouldn't procrastinate sometimes. This assignment is so similar to the one that I had to do everyday in my high school sophomore English class. I couldn't believe all the things I had written. I think this guy sitting next to me is getting annoyed. He's making some sort of grunting sounds. Oh well, I guess he'll have to put up with it for another ten minutes. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. Going out to join the tennis club. I haven't played in awhile. I hope they have plenty of extra balls because they might be losing a few tomorrow. I need the exercise anyway.

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I'm thinking about Robbie and the email he sent. E-mails. How could that be that he loves me. He doesn't even know me? I should not have gotten so flustered the first time I read the letters. I should not have told anyone. Now he has become a sort of pariah in my mind, a weirdo, an outcast, never to be touched by me. An that was wrong. He was brave and poetic enough to bring tears to my eyes. I didn't tell that to anyone. I only went off on the fact that it "weirded me out" , thus I became the dumb blonde, the snob, simplifying this event into something that was "weird. " Now, after I have read the letter again I realize how beautiful it is. Yes, he pairs me with his other love, marijuana, but even so. To him that is beautiful. He said I am what he needs. Angelic, a blazing conflagration in his heart. And none of my letters reached him. They were all sent back. So it is as if nothing has been said, even though my letters were written before I got to the love part of his. How can this be? An ogre he is, always high on acid or pot. I have hardly talked to him. Before I left we stayed up until 3am, me, him and Aaron. Sitting on the grassy bank of the Mississippi River. Being attacked by mosquitoes. The sad thing is I know that in a week I will dismiss the situation, knowing his explosion of emotion must have been a result of drugs. But forgetting his poetic words, and how I may have brightened up his life. He wants to write movies together. That would be great if we could stay friends with the same old people always, me and Robbie and Keith moving to California after I gRADUATE, MAKING MOVIES. Yeah, like that would happen. And good old Aaron tagging alongside us, loving me. This morning the sun was low-- I am not used to mornings-- and it was cool. Perhaps I should start getting up earlier. The girl just sitting next to me was very flustered. I wish I could have helped but I didn't Have My if# with me. You know how in The Canterbury tales Chaucer capitalizes random Words just for the hell of it ? Well that's how I type when I'm not thinking. I have a burn on my middle right finger and it hurts when I type. I talked to my brother and my ex-boyfriend on the phone Sunday night. I was good. I am so glad I talked to Woes. He wants us to say "I love you" as friends when we talk. I couldn't get up the nerve this conversation but maybe next Tim I will. Its just so sappy and Embarrassing (note that capital E). He is an awesome friend , though. It sucks so bad that he is a fundamentalist. I had a dream last night about Adam. The one that is soon to be gone to Israel for a year. I think I'll write him letters. He called me the other day here at Texas of all things. But I had to let him go bc Liesel was on the phone. Then I called back and he was gone, never to be heard from again. In my dr4eam we kissed. Like last summer and the summer before. In my dream he was in love with me all over again, in love with my smell. I was so happy and so was everyone else. That sucks so bad that he's a devout Jew.

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right now I feel somewhat relaxed after having seen one of the most gory movies of all-time. The title of the movie is Event Horizon in which a ship is taken over by evil spirits which have been taken onboard through a dimension warp. My brain feels completely clouded over because I don't really want to start school. I also want to bet on football pretty badly. This past weekend I lost a pretty nice piece of change while none of my teams covered the spread. I hope to do much better this weekend, but it has me worried. My toe also seems to be giving me trouble because it got infected about one year ago but it never seems to get all the way healed. Maybe there is a chance that it will give me problems for the rest of my life. I'm pretty tired right now since it is 1:15 in the morning. I feel I have had a productive day though because I went to class today and got meaningful information from them. Especially in this class. I usually have no sort of interest in scientific things like the brain but the lecture seemed really interesting. I liked the explanations that were given from several things in everyday life. It has also just hit me that Mr. pennebaker said he was from midland, which is also my hometown. I think its a pretty good place, you just have to have a little imagination that's all. I'm thinking that since I ran so much this evening my back might actually be sore because of it. Hell, I don’t know though. I could use a nice woman in my life right now, but I am extremely picky unless I've been boozing it a little. It is cold somewhat in my room right now and there are many things that I must take of before tomorrow. I need to do some laundry and do some reading for class. I get extremely irritated when things don't operate smoothly. I wish I knew more about computers so that I could take care of my email problem. A nice cheeseburger would be excellent right now but I don’t really want one do to the fact that I'm trying to lose a few lbs. I’m debating whether or not to turn the TV on and watch a movie or just go straight to bed. Last night I almost got in a fight with one of my pledge brothers and to tell you the truth. I think the guy knows I could have killed him because he is not crazy enough to take me. I'm really not in a position do some work for a good cause. I need a damn job so I can get some money to pay off some debts and be in good standing with my parents. One thing I've noticed recently is that everyone talks bad about people behind their backs. I mean I've sat down and talked bad about probably everyone I know. People pick out one person's weakness or what they consider to be a weakness and bash them pretty good when they aren’t around. I know people say stuff about me when my back is turned but hey so did i. I figure its nothing to think about to seriously unless someone is spreading lies. That is bullshit. I've been writing now for 22 minutes I’ll stop. is there any that I could

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Stream of Consciousness? Well actually I've never done this before but it seems like there's nothing to it. I just tell you what I'm thinking, right? Well here is what I am feeling. Right now I am feeling anticipation because I have a load of laundry going downstairs. I really cant wait till its done. I guess this feeling of Anticipation is only natural since I am doing laundry. If I wasn’t doing laundry and I still felt like I was waiting for something then that might be a little bit out of the ordinary. I am also feeling a tad fatigued, considering that I have been up on my feet all day. I sense that I could also trace that to the fact that I only got five hours of sleep last night. I cant stop typing for twenty minutes I cant stop typing for twenty minutes. This stream of consciousness stuff is really bizarre. It really makes absolutely no sense to me. That might be considered a feeling of confusion or bewilderment stemming most likely from my misunderstanding of this assignment. From what I write will you guys over there be able to tell what kind of person I am? There you go, another sensation: one of curiosity. That is I wonder why on earth am I doing this. I guess there can also be a slight feeling of frustration since I am doing something that I do see the purpose of. One thing that I do notice is that there are no margins on this site, so if I wanted to I could write and write and write and write and make one really long line , in a sense a veritable stream of consciousness. That wasn’t very clever. Anyway I was also wondering how many people create a phantom margin like I have been doing what does that tell you or me about me. Do I like order or do I like being able to see everything that I have written in front of my face. Well do you know what? Its both. I like order most of the time. I need to keep on typing I need to keep on typing I need to keep on typing. Another sensation I feel you say? Hunger. I have not eaten in a while. Also I only ate one meal today. I guess that is a sign of stress. I am usually not that stressed out. I don’t really feel too much stress. My sleeping patterns are relatively normal(except for last night). I really cant figure out what this assignment does. Is this supposed to help me or you? IS this apart of some survey or something? From analyzing all these stream of consciousness documents will you be able to certain things and similarities we all share, thought patterns and what not? By the way, who should I be talking to anyway? I have been using "you" for a while. I feel like I've been talking to "you" for so long and we haven't even met. How's it going? My name is Walker. It is a pleasure to meet you, "you. " Introductions aside, let's get back to this S. O. C. nonsense. Actually, let's not; my time is up. Take it easy.

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This seems hard to do. I am not exactly sure just what I am thinking . The music I’m hearing is not bad shit at all. there is this girl I liking her. she is cool as shit . I’m anticipating going to a soulfood party in a little while . I finally feel like I am on top of things this and the girl put in a fan-freakin -tastic mood . thinking thinkin I hope me and my roommate stay friends and we don't want to rip each others heads off by the end of the year nas is cool . is that what I am hearing ? not sure. I am afraid of computers . I wish this dam assignment could have been done on loose-leaf no. the theory about computers- I don't want to learn how to use computers because they will eventually be so easy to use you could be a paraplegic(spelled that wrong) with no arms (chino) and still work one. 20 minutes seems long . this ain't that bad I hope no one reads this if so how is it (mobb deep) going take a break or a leak 69 this assignment can't be done wrong can it? my friend keeps putting on different hip hop in the back ground. purple haze home beer I have not drank nearly as much liquor as I wanted to since I got here or as much as I used to back home you can't drink in the streets here and all those other rules are really retarded . is that dela soul ? ---yes niceah that girl my neighbor to say the least . that would be cool as shit if it lasted hip hop find it man or no wait up play biggie smalls that song that starts off with his beeper going off I can't type someone finally agrees with my theory on computers walker is an arrogant bastard . !!!! sucka after that put on the one I want to hear yeah time is almost up uuuu this song I was good wu tang mystery what must go on I want to stop now I can not type for skit it has been twenty minutes? I am not sure so I will continue wu tang wutang wutang wutyang wwutangwutangwutang the wu why did they drop out of their tour punk ass niggas --quote tupac don't shed a tear for nigga. these boots were made for walking? your mom. the potato in the Saturday night fever stance nice drawing really tazwhat a tool this is getting to the point of using only one finger I want to learn how to speed read . the play rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead just popped in there I think I went over the allotted time see you later peeeeeaaaaacccceeee

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I've done alot of self-analysis lately. I realize a few things about myself. I'm a bit obsessive and I believe that may hinder the growth of my current relationship The person I started dating is a wonderful guy, but I take all the small things to heart His dealing with a alot of coming out issues and that makes it much harder on him. The nature of the relationship itself is freaky even for me here is this guy. I've been best friends with him for three years now. He and I have been roommates for about two years and it's like all of a sudden the doors of our relationship have flown open. He is now doing things that before I didn't imagine with him. He was a friend now he's something. Do I want this? Yes, I guess. I have talk to numerous people about this, like Renee. She is a wonderful friend. Her whole entire existence revolves around one thing right now. Sex! It seems to be a common search for people our age. What if you settle for less, because emotionally that person is so well suited to you. Is that bad or good. I view that as okay. I need reach within myself and learn whether or not. Settling for less is good or bad. I do know one thing. I do great work, when motivated. I become more goal orientated lately. Setting one tasks and completing it well. It is time consuming but I believe it will be more beneficial to those I serve. I've been struggling to pick a major and right now I don't know. I'm so lost I really just need some direction. This school year has just been really confusing. My whole life has changed in a matter of one month, but I'm happier. Happiness is really a weird word. I think sometimes it just adding a little bit of energy to a doomed project. Who knows time to reconsider my thought and self image. Life would be easier, if there wasn't some guy up there scrambling our thoughts. I don't believe in a higher being, but maybe there is a higher bean. hehehehe!!!! I used to believe in God then during some "clarity" I thought who would do right by making animals who feed off of each other. Either emotionally, physically or mentally, finding those symbiotic relationships I guess is one of life's little hills we must all conquer. I love life!

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Why am I doing this assignment? I do not want to be here? I think I want to go to sleep. I wish Greg would shut up so I could do my homework. When I play basketball I wish Dustin would pass me the ball. But he never passes the ball so why am I complaining. My wrists hurts because the keyboard is in the wrong position. But I will not say anything because this is not my computer. I hate this keyboard because the keyboard is sorry. I wish I could go to sleep. But then again I never sleep. I wish Dean would get out of this room. Why did I come here? I wish I stayed in Houston. Dwan needs to leave now. But he will never leave because he is going to sit down and talk. Kind of like what he is doing know. I hate this song . They play this song way too much. When are they going to leave. I wish Greg would turn off his computer and stop playing the music. I wish this assignment could be shorter but then again the is homework so it is not supposed to be fun. I wish I brought my own computer but I don't care. Greg needs to shut up. Greg is talking to one of his many girls. He has so many that people call him the mack. The computer is going to be burnt out by the time I am done with this assignment. Greg better leave or I will have to beat him up. Luckily Greg left so I do not have to beat him up. I think my friends listen to more Korean music then I do. God I wish I could get off this computer but I have to stay on here for a while. The reason is because I have to study for my chemistry quiz tomorrow. Hopefully it will be easy because I do not know what is going on in that class. I need to go talk to the chemistry department about switching my chemistry teachers. Hopefully they will let me because I have no clue on what is going on. Today I ate some lunch around eleven o'clock. Yes the food was nasty because it was from Jester. I think they intentionally make the food here disgusting so that we will stop eating and study more. But I don't think so because everybody winds up either working out or playing basketball. I wish they would turn off this music because sound gay. Anyway when is this assignment going to end. I really need to go study for my chemistry class. I just need to type for about ten more minutes. I wonder who this song is by? Then again why did I care it is stupid. I need to talk to someone but I lost their number so I guess I won't have my blanket. I need to find that guys number but I lost it so I guess I will never find it. I hate HOT I think they are gay . So I do not know why Dustin is listening to it. I wish I could take these speakers and just break them because they are so gay. Why doesn’t he listen to some other music that sounds better. I wish I could go back home and drive my car. I miss driving my car. I got a Honda Civic. It is silver and it is all mine. I am thinking about bringing it up next semester. I wish they would turn this music off but then again why do I care. I wish they would play some Tupac or Snoop. I have two more minutes. I wish the two minute would go by faster. I need to get some carpet for my room . I'm thinking about switching my major. I might go to business or I might just stick Psychology and try to go into physical therapy after I finish college. I have one more minute left and then I am done. Toad is stupid. I hate Puff Daddy this song is sop overplayed.

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I have so much to do. I need to go get ready for track, but I would really like to sit down and relax. perhaps go outside and sit by the pool and catch some rays. I c9ompletly failed my music quiz. I wish I could have prepared better. I have been running around and it would feel so nice to just sit down and relax. What am I writing about. This seems so odd to 'sit here and write what I am thinking. I feel like I should be trying to keep my typing neat. and worry about spelling/grammar. Oh well. I am very sore. I wish that I didn't work out so hard because now I'm paying for it. I really need to go read my kinesiology work. I wonder if the person who reads this what she thinks, She must get so many strange responses. I hope this goes through the email system in time. I have random thoughts. I guess everyone's thoughts are random. I wonder How Catherine is doing. I really need to call her but I don't have the m money for this month to spend on more long distance calls. It's so weird being away from dad and mom. I almost miss the nagging, but I guess Kelly's taking their place. She really mad me mad last night. I wish she would be more considerate when getting dressed in the morning and ready for bed at night. The boyfriend thing is getting out of hand. Why doe's so someone want to go around and tell people that her boyfriend is psychotic? I hope Lauren's roommate mobes out so that I can talk about mobing in with Lauren at the end of the semester, but I feel bad leaving Kelly, but if she is going to be this much of a perfectionist and somewhat inconsiderate I have to look out for myself. I hope John is doing well with his Steave situation. I know that I could help him out, but I don't want to be the know it all little sister. John is so sweet and I don’t' want Steve to push him around. I think I've been writhing for a long time yep, it's been 20 min. bye.

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This is a stream of consciousness paper for my psych. class. That is the only class I actually enjoy going to. They have about a katrillion people in that class and it is freezing cold, but that's okay. Almost all my classes except for English have 456,897,456,789 people in it. There is a cute guy in almost every single one of my classes, or if not in class, on the way to it. That's what college is all about. That's why I came from Louisiana to Texas. New people. It's so different out here. I love my roommates. They are so cute, and have really cute friends. I have one that is my favorite though. That's Gibby. He's so cute. anyway Lisa is so mad that the damn computer won't work. I believe that is a direct quote. She want to go call Adam, her lifeguard lover. Sometimes I think she's jealous because I found my little Gilbert within 5 days of coming to the great state of Texas. At first I didn't like it here, but now I love it. I know 345,231,859,635 guys, and about 4 girls. Today I got to go with Brady, our fine neighbor to go wash his Rodeo. I got to vacuum. It was great. I love him. But not as much as I (secretly) love room 1432. The bus rides have been hell, but we ride with the neighbors. I hate to stand up. I hate that almost as much as I hate not sitting on the end of a row in class. I think it's the extra elbow room that I get. I hate those desks too. I am used to having about 565 sq. feet of desk area. Oh well. Anyway, yesterday, I bought Gibby some boxer shorts. I gave the salesman a hard time because I didn't know any of his sizes. oh, well. I don't want to limit myself so soon after coming to Texas. I want someone to play with, but I also want some time to explore the great wide dating field. There is a nasty rumor going around the apartment saying that Marc likes me. I think Marc is an awesome guy, but I don't know how willing I am to give Gibby up. It has gotten to the point where everyone asks me where Gilbert is, and what he's doing. Okay, I may talk to the boy but I don't know every single blessed move he makes. Now as for Dark Chad across the street I would like to know. He is so cute and artsy and he is an avid fan of party girl. okay I think my time is up, so Ill say good bye till tomorrow. Thank you, Simone Theriot

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You know, when typing on a computer, twenty minutes is a long time. Figuring a person types 60 to 80 words per minutes, they will be typing between 1200 words and 1600 words per minute. I wonder if this assignment would be more effective if the students had to write it in pen, so that you could also see how they changed their mind. I know that I have already erased and retyped. I don't mean that I have taken the stream of consciousness out of it, just that I will change my mind on how I want to phrase things. I want this to make sense to any poor, unfortunate person who has to read this thing, and sometimes I takes me a while figure out a way to phrase thing that will accurately get the message of what I am trying to express across. Okay, I have managed to confuse myself with this stuff that I am saying. Somehow I don't consider it to be a good sign when I can confuse myself with something that I am thinking. It's too bad that I type faster than I think b/c right now I can even get all of my thoughts down. Wow, it finally put me on another line! I don't have any idea what time I actually started typing. I remember looking at the clock at 5:13, but I was already typing then. I guess that I will just count that as my starting time, I am guessing that it really doesn't matter how long I write. Back to the confusing myself thing. you know, I have a habit of confusing myself. I will ask myself questions or think about ideas which really are lacking in logic, or else they have a strange logic. For example, at my high school, I am famous for my opinions about being normal. I once told my friend that I was the only normal person, and that the rest of them were all abnormal. Having said this, I realize that if I am the only normal person, that would make it abnormal to be normal, and normal to be abnormal. This would mean that although I was the only normal person in the group, I was really abnormal b/c it is normal to be abnormal and abnormal to be normal. At first this appears to make no sense, but once you think about it for a while, it starts to make perfect sense, at least to me anyway. And those people who have been blessed enough to hear this theory get it eventually. I have no idea if I am supposed to be writing this thing as if I was talking to someone, but that is really the only way that I can write it. I am used to writing emails a lot like this, and I have a tendency to talk like this too. I will say, or write whatever is on my mind. This results in a lack of sentences in my emails. I separate the thoughts with little dots. everything is in sentence fragments. I just write what I am thinking at the time. That is why I was so happy about this assignment, imagine, I am getting a grade for doing something that I do all the time! But then again, it's not like the people I write to hate my emails. In fact, most of them love my emails. My boyfriend, Justin, always tells me how much he loves my emails. And lately, I have noticed that I have been influencing people with the way I write. More and more of my friends have started writing very stream of consciousness emails to me. I like them though, b/c I think that they give a greater insight into how a person if feeling and what they are thinking. I am a terrible speller, and a bad typer too. I can type really fast, but I am not high on the accuracy. Sometimes I do really great, but other times, well. it's embarrassing. I think that in college I am gonna major in typos and creative spelling! I haven't eaten anything today. It is 5:26 now. I guess after I finish this I will go back to the dorm room and then I will go eat dinner. Or maybe I won't. I am not really that hungry but I feel bad about wasting meal tickets. Last week I didn't eat anywhere near the two meals a day that we bought. I might just go and eat some yogurt that I have in the fridge. The advantage to not eating, and then getting all this extra exercise walking around this school, is that it will help me get in shape. This is ridiculous, it has been 15 minutes and I am only on the [now] fifth line! You know, I don't like typing. I think that I am a candidate for carpal tunnel. I am exaggerating a bit, but my hands get tired quickly from typing. I think that I strain them b/c the table is too high and therefore I am resting my hands on the keyboard too much. I just moved the keyboard to my lap and that actually helps. I am a semi computer nerd. I know about software, and how to use the web. However, I am not a hacker, and my knowledge of hardware is not the best. maybe average. I can build my own computer, or do anything illegal. but put a program in front of me, and I will either know how to use it, or else I will figure out how to use it fairly quickly. I am glad that this about finished. It is actually tiring trying to keep up with what I am thinking. I just finished psych class and so I decided to stop at the pcl library and do this before I forget. I meant to do these assignments this weekend, but I forgot. actually, I just didn't get time. My best friends online boyfriend came to Houston this weekend, and I am friends with him too, so I wanted to meet him also. He flew in from Anderson CA. quite far. We had never met him before now. He is really nice too, only. he is a bit inappropriate acting, in that he was feeling me, and he even French kissed me. he felt on Amber (my friend) too, and kissed her more. but the point is, his hands should only be up one person's shirt. and that is Amber, not me! I hope that this won't really get published b/c this stuff about Giovanni is not something that I want everyone to find out about. He was still really nice, and I liked him. just not romantically. I guess maybe he is just like that. I did tell Amber about what happened. I needed to, if she didn't mind(which, for some reason, she didn't), then it's all good. well, 'cept that I don't want him to kiss me, or feel up my shirt or in my overalls. That is why I won't let him do it again. however, I don't know when or if I will see him again, so it may never come up. Anyway, time is up, so I am gonna submit this thing, and hike it back to the dorm. actually the dorm isn't too far! I might sit outside and read the paper before going back though. It will depend on how I feel. Okay, here it is. hope it was helpful, or served the purpose it was supposed to.

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I have to go to an experiment for Psychology in 45 minutes. My hand really hurts because I burned it on my curling iron. I had a really awesome dream last night but Rachel woke me up from it. I miss my mom. I wonder how she is doing. I will visit her soon, though. I have a lot of homework this weekend. I am only concerned about Chemistry since I haven't had it since 10th grade. My hand still hurts. I did my aerobics today. I wonder what the experiment will be this afternoon. I hope that I finish early. I have not been writing that long but it feels like forever. I am glad that my roommate and I are getting along. She is my best friend since seventh grade. My hand is feeling better now. I hope that my hair isn't losing its curl because I have to leave for the experiment right after this. I wonder when my cough will finally go away. The MTV music awards last night were cool. The funniest part was Marilyn Manson. My hand has a red spot on it from the burn. I wonder if we are still gonna go to the frat party tonight. I have a lot of homework still. I hope that I don't fall into the trap of freshman laziness and have my grades slip. My face itches. I am slightly worried about my earring hole--whether or not it's infected. Now my nose itches. AUGH! Only five minutes have passed! I want to go back to my room and work on my chemistry so that I'll feel better. I am excited about tomorrows football game. My back is getting sore so I'd better sit up straight. I'm glad that I'm getting this assignment out of the way. I wonder if Kevin and Briar will get married. I hope so because I really like Briar and it would be cool for her to be my sis-in-law. I wonder who I'll marry. What if I don't find anyone? That would totally suck. However, I refuse to settle for just anyone. I wonder if I should change my major to Psychology. I love stuff like these experiments. The girl next to me just introduced herself and left. She seemed nice. Her name is Sherrie. I will never remember that. If I major in Psychology, I don't know if that will hurt my chances of getting into Med-shcool. I don't know what to do. My hand hurts again. Oh, wow, I'm almost done! This assignment is so easy and kinda fun. Now my arm itches. My boss was named Sherrie. This girl probably didn't even spell her name like that. Now my hands are getting cramped. I feel kinda bad about talking about Kristy because she was cool today. But that doesn't make up for her being annoying every other day. Now my head itches. I think that I have dry skin. At least my mosquito bites are gone. I wonder if Melissa and Rachel are back yet. I have to cough again. This is getting really annoying. Russ is so cute. I would love to date him if he wasn't me brother's best friend. My hand really hurts now. I hope that I am almost done because I can't type much longer. I am glad that it's the weekend. Pennebaker is so funny. All my classes are cool. OWWWW! My hand. I am a pain wimp. Three more minutes! Lots of people that were in here are gone now. I like Kinsolving because I don't have to go to Flawn for the internet. My fingernails look very pink today. I forgot to take my vitamins today! My hand really hurts and my eyes are getting tired. My fingers feel swollen. I wonder when I will meet and date some guys here. Hopefully it will be soon. I hope that no one is standing behind me reading this because I'm sure they'd wonder why I am writing this diary. My time is up! Yeah! I have to go to my room to check my hair and lipstick again before I go. Bye!

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I’m in the mood to write and so I decided to do this writing assignment. sometimes I get in this mood to write anything and everything that’s on my mind. I guess it only happens when I’m bothered by something. time and time again thought it always seems to be about people and my interactions with them and how they are so I don’t know. how should I describe. I guess I was too sheltered to know how much people can hurt someone. why are people so selfish and care so much about their own well-being? why does it hurt the good guy to be good. it seems the nicer you are, the more naive and innocent. the more you get hurt. you’d think id get the hang of it by now. but I don’t want to become like them. whoever’s reading this. are you Christian? I am. or I believe in God and His Son Jesus Christ and I try to follow his ways. but it hurts so much because to win is to lose and yet I know I’m doing something wrong because in psalms its says to be as harmless as doves and wise as serpents. I think I've got the harmless as doves thing down, but I’m not very wise. I always get so hurt. I don’t know what to say. my thoughts don’t seem to be flowing and I cant seem to get what's on my mind out on this screen. I wish everyone were. how come I cant think. but I’m supposed to write for 20 minutes so I guess ill continue. no, I’m not totally disappointed with all people or anything if that’s what it sounds like. in fact I love my first roommate. she was so good so unselfish. so caring and hardworking. then there's my second roommate. I gave so much to her. honestly. and literally. she never once cooked for me yet I always for her. she never once cleaned yet I never complained. I bought the groceries and cooked and she ate. I cared for her well being. I never said anything to hurt her. I don’t even know how to describe. I really did care about her well being. as roommates, I thought of her as my sister in caring about her. and I tried to show her gods love. her mom came to visit for a month. I gave up my bed and moved into the living room since we had a one bedroom. living with anyone’s mother, anyone else would complain. the whole month she was there. I still cleaned. but she did cook. although I didn’t eat at home that much. I tried to go home late and leave early because it wasn’t very comfortable with someone else’s mom at home. I tried my best. and I really thought my old roommate appreciated it. then the day before they moved out I noticed I was missing some silverware and a pair of shoes and since the mom was packing, I presumed she must have misplaced. so I left a note before I left for school to check for me - that I’m not sure how many silverware because I lost some in moving before and so its not too many I’m sure, but a few. when I came home that evening. there were my pair of shoes and a few silverware she took out all her silverware and started to make me look at every single thing saying, "look! this is ours," then another wrapped piece, saying "look," and more and more. I was so shocked. I told her I didn’t mean to accuse her of stealing, if that’s what she had mistaken it, but she said no, that’s not it well its been over 20 minutes now. and in the end she ended up misplacing more of my stuff and I wasn’t going to bother asking about them. but it hurt me. not that she took the stuff, but to come out like that. after living together. I have a third roommate now (thank goodness the 2nd was only for the summer)and I hope everything goes well. I wrote about this because I saw my 2nd roommate today. and though we never fought I don’t think were friends anymore. and every time I think of her, I’m hurt.

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Well, here I go, writing for 20 minutes. This really feels weird, but I guess I have to do it. Actually I am glad I am doing this assignment because I dreaded doing it and now I can get it over with. It's just that 20 minutes seems like such a long time to sit here and write about nothing. I just don't know what to do and I feel very uncomfortable. Hmmm. Princess Diana died early this morning. I have felt so sad. When I first heard of her car accident last night I tried to pray for her, but I felt as she would not want to live but rather die. I have been reading and studying about near-death experiences and most people studied/interviewed have said that they usually do not want to come "back" after being pronounced dead. Anyway, I think she is in a better place, hopefully there will be no media hounding her wherever she is at now. The ceiling fan in this room bothers me when it is on high. Sometimes I'd rather be hot than have to hear the loud roaring noise. My dogs just came upstairs. I wonder what they are thinking about? Do they think like we do? What could be going through their minds? I know I am supposed to write without worrying about grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. , but I do, and I try to correct everything as I go. I keep looking at the clock and time is going very slow. I notice we have two clocks now on the desk. One is new, a prize or rather a gift for purchasing something. This room has so many things in it. I wish it was a bigger room. I like spacious things, I hate to feel crowded. I seem to be complaining so much right now, I guess I am tired and a little sleepy, and get grumpy. Why do we have some many things! So many papers, junk, wiries, toys things, things, things! Do we need all these things? Can we live without all this things? Yes, we can! Thank God! I can't stop writing but I would like to. Oh well. I just thought about a bakery, H. E. B. bakery to be exact. I keep craving sweets, so maybe that is why. I saw a white cake with pink frosting. My sister also came to mind. Hmmm, this is interesting because she is a professional baker and creates luscious deserts! It is so dark outside, I hate having the windows closed, I like to hear the outdoors. I love the outdoors. Oh God 3 more minutes of this. I just feel like my mind is completely empty right now. I wonder if this happens when one is really tired? I feel very old today. I like this computer, I guess I am pretty lucky to own one. I'm sorry I have been so negative, but this is how I feel right now. However, my time is up , hip hip hooray! Bye!

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Right now there is really not much going through my head. I woke up about an hour ago from a nice, long sleep and my mind is clear. I guess I have some worries about school, like am I studying enough and really am I going to make it, but I guess that all depends on my actions. I am also real worried about the social things getting involved with my school work. There is just always something going on, and sometimes it is hard to choose to study over all of the fun things, but so far I feel that I have done a pretty good job, but then again it has only been two weeks. I am enjoying where I am living, and as of now my roommate and suite mate situation seems OK. It is weird to think that after knowing for so long that I wanted to attend UT, to actually be here going to school and not just visiting. It really hasn't hit me yet, but it probably will soon. It also feels weird to have to pick up the phone to have to talk to my parents and not have them be in the next room or just down the hall. And for it to also cost money to have to talk to the people that I am used to talking to on a daily basis. I also have some scared feelings going through me, fears that most people have. For example, you hear all the stories of these awful things that have happened on college campuses and in college dorms, which sometimes makes it hard to go anywhere alone. You are always having this fear inside you that something might happen to you if you take one step into the wrong direction. That is really scary for me, probably because of things that have happened in the past. When I was in 4th grade my family was robbed at gun point in our house and the threatened to hurt or even kill. One of my sisters and I slept through it, but my parents, my other sister, and my house keeper all had guns held to their heads. No one was hurt, but it was still really scary. then 3 years ago the sister who was asleep with me was out to eat with a friends family and they were followed home and were also robbed at gun point, and had pillowcases put over their heads, but could still feel the gun against their head. In this situation, no one was hurt either. But I am the only one who has never had a gun to me or was threatened, and I fear that I might be the next, and that really scares me. Well, my 20 minutes is almost up, and it went by a lot quicker then I imagined that it would, and I really enjoyed figuring out what to right about. It was really interesting.

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I just got back from aerobics. It was really hard and kicked my butt today. I learned how to box. I really wish I knew how to box. I could kick George Forman's butt. George Forman lives 5 minutes from my house in Kingwood. I have seen his house before and it is really cool. Mark lives around there. I wish I could punch Mark's face in now. He is such a jerk. I hope he is happy without me. That was a profound statement. This assignment is so boring. Why do we have to do this. I hope I don't fail out of college. My dad would kick my butt and make me go to Kingwood College. That is not cool. I would absolutely kill myself if I had to go to Kingwood college. Jeremy went to Kingwood College. now he goes to Tech. haha. I wonder if I will ever see him again. Maybe so. Steve is so much better than he is. I wish Steve would have asked me out a year ago instead of Jeremy. I have so much work to do tonight and I'm so tired. plus I have to got o that mixer tomorrow night. But I hope I don't have to go to my eight o clock class tomorrow. eight o clock classes should be outlawed. No one should have to be awake that early. The food here really sucks. My Mom's cooking is so much better than this stuff. it's like prison food. That was really gross in the move Sleepers when Kevin Bacon's character made those boys eat their food off the prison floor. Then he beat them up. That movie was really disturbing. I bet stuff like that goes on in all kinds of prisons. I 'm against the death penalty. "Why do we kill people to show other people that killing is wrong?" That is my most favorite quote of all time. Kevin Bacon's character deserved to die though. Kevin Bacon is really good looking. Every time I see him in a movie, I remember him dancing in Footloose and I start to laugh. His character's name in that movie Was Ren. Like Ren and Stimpy. I hat that show. It used to be really funny, but now it is just disgusting. These guys that eat in the Kinsolving cafeteria are disgusting. None of the good-looking guys come by our dorm. We must be losers. Why would they come by our dorm? We are the best looking girls in our dorm. Everyone else is disgusting. Except for Jenn, Katie, Amanda and Alison. I'm glad Allison and I are becoming friends. It is really cool how her dad and my dad roomed together and now Ali an d I will room together in our apartment next year. I think my dad wants me to room with her and Katie in a apartment next year. Maybe one other girl. I can't even think to next year. I will be 19 on Friday. That seems so old. Princess Diana was 19 when she married Prince Charles, I think. That is so sad that she died. I've watched so many news stories on her lately. It makes me sad. I want to watch the funeral on Saturday. I hope we get home from Waco on time. I'm excited to go to Waco. It will be so much fun and Steve will make my birthday really nice. Although he is trying too hard. That is a turnoff. But he is such a sweet guy that I could never do anything to hurt him. He has really low self-esteem. And he is quite inexperienced. He is so much better than any of the other guys I have dated--but I don’t know if I like him. I like jerk guys I guess. Really good-looking cocky guys. Like Mark. and Jeremy. and Linsey. I wonder why Lindsey never liked me. I wish he would have. Even though he is a player, I bet I could change him. Yeah right. Wishful thinking. He is the best looking guy I have ever dated. Even though it was a short fling. It was worth it. He is so good-looking. Why does Steve put up with a jerk like him for a best friend? I have no clue. Poor Steve--I think he lives in Lindsey's shadow most of the4 time. That really sucks. I'm glad I don't do that. I can't wait for the weekend--It will be awesome. And I also can't wait for the 20 minutes to be up so I can finish this stupid assignment. My hands are getting tired. I should add that to my list of aches and pains form my aerobics class. I hope Kathryn doesn't come to that class on Thursday. I don't think Katie and I could stand it. Well, my time is almost up and I need to do my other buttloads of homework tonight. Later.

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I am going to take 20 minutes to do this psychology assignment. It's the end of the first week, and I already have tons of homework. I am getting a little homesick. It's ridiculous. I miss El Paso, even though it is soooo boring. The phone is ringing, but I am not going to answer it. I need to go to a store and buy a calculator. If I keep busy, I won't get as homesick. I am watching tennis on TV at the same time that I am writing this. I have such compassion for Monica Seles with everything that she has been through. Oops, miss-hit. I miss playing tennis at home. I am doing laundry, so I probably need to get the clothes out of the dryer, but I don't want to yet. Bad call on the Henman match. I am going to have to shower before I go to Hillel tonight. I've got a real bad headache. I need to figure out how to send and receive mail on my new internet service. Maybe I'll just unplug my phone, and use the existing AOL just for mail. Great Shot!! I'll go through the internet for everything else, but since everyone already knows my AOL screen name, I'll keep it for the mail. My parents would be paying for it anyway, since it's on their account. Before I am done typing this, I need to get the unique number and professor's name and everything. I'll have to find it. This assignment is actually kind of fun. I'm really homesick, but I'll get over it sometime (hopefully). It's really hot in this room. Grandma and Grandpa are coming in, but I forgot when. I have so much that I need to do, that I forgot what it all is. My twenty minutes is up, I need to check my laundry.

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Well, here goes nothing. I decided to do this assignment while waiting for class. I arrived at 3, class starts at 3:30,my bad. Guess I'll just transfer it to computer later. This hallway isn't particularly quiet. The door next to me squeaks. Not like a mouse mind you, but that annoying oil-me-sound. This hallway looks different than all the others. I don't know why that is exactly, it just does. I don't seem to be having that many creative thoughts. My suite-mate told me that you become most creative during the late hours like 2 and 3a. m. I guess this is my creative down-time. Boy, I could sure use a little down-time. Too many things still left to do. Somewhere in here I have to eat dinner. I refuse to eat from the death carts again today. Granted, they do have good eggrolls. But I just don't want figure out what the meat is. Dog would be very bad. I've got a dog, or at least I had a dog. I had to leave him at home. I guess I'll see him at Christmas. I like it how the semester ends at Christmas. Less to worry about over the holidays. Unlike high school. I hated it when teachers would have tests right after long vacations. Not that I did bad on them. It just meant I had to think about the upcoming test for the duration of break. Y'know, it's going to be hard to type all this one-handed. I fractured my finger about a week before class. For the time being my finger is immobilized. You'd be surprised at all the times we use our pinky and take it for granted. It is a very essential finger. Only 5 more weeks or so, and it will be healed. Personally, I can't wait. I've really had an interesting time as a new student. Adapt to college and adapt to the loss of complete hand movement. Which is essentially the loss of my left hand. I wonder how long this is typed. It's 2 pages written. OUCH#@** My leg is asleep. Pins & needles are always a fun sensation. I wonder how much longer it will be till class. Almost there I think. I feel good that I actually completed a paper weeks before the deadline. It's not a first, but it's close. I've decided one thing about UT, TEX hates me. He asked me if I wanted him to search for one of my classes, and of course I said yes. So TEX replied that my class had been added from 7-9. No problem, right? He neglected to mention p. m. I am no longer enrolled in anthropology. GOOD-BYE AND GOOD LUCK.

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I am in Mollie's room right now using her internet-I hope she doesn't care. I get really frustrated with computes sometimes. I wish I understood them better. I only like Email. I like Email because I can talk to my friends in New York. I can't wait until I get to see them on my birthday. I hope they are just as excited as I am. Meg is talking about her boyfriend. Everyone has a boyfriend here in Hardin House. Alot of them are far away though. I guess that would be pretty hard to deal with. If I really liked someone far away I would be really sad here. Last night was really fun. I had a good time with my friends. Sixth street is always fun because there are such a variety of people there. One of these nights I am going to sing karyoke. Then maybe someone will discover me and I'll become famous. I think my friend Rob will be famous someday. Je and Andy and Frederick. They are so awesome--I can't wait to see them. I wonder what will happen with Andy. I keep wondering about him. He has a girlfriend, but she is depressed and she brings him down. Maybe I'll learn more about her depression in this class. I just hope he's happy. Rob is not happy with Amy right now--she really lied to him and Caleb. They are trying to get revenge now. They wrote a letter about her and they are going to put it up in the restaurant where she works. It's pretty mean and I bet she'll be really embarrassed. I told Rob that revenge is a scary thing because it can consume you. He said "I know, but I've never been so furious in my life. " I feel sorry for him because I know he really liked her. I warned him though. I knew the second I met her that she was up to no good. She came between two best friends and she didn't even care. I wonder how my friends at schools far away are doing. I think Abby, at Arizona is doing really well. She has made two "soul-mates" from Las Vegas. I bet they are so crazy on the dance floor! I miss Abby--especially dancing with her. She is so much fun. I guess I'll see her on OU weekend. Then I can tell her all about my trip to New York. Kelli will be home from Georgia, too. I can't wait to see her either. I hope she's been behaving herself. She breaks a lot of hearts. Her mom is really lonely by herself, I know she can't wait for Kelli to come home. I bet their phone bill is very expensive. I hope mine is not too bad. I've talked to Rob and Andy several times. I'm so glad I talked to Andy though. We really confessed a lot to each other, It was good to get some of those things off of my chest. The situation is pretty good right now, I hope Rob doesn't make the situation worse--if he is a real friend he will encourage Andy like he said he would. I think my friend Dallas in Arizona is miserable. He has never really been his own person-- he relies too much on other people for his identity and now he knows no one a t school, He will really grow from this experience though. I should call him, but then again ===That phone bill! That (the save in $) is the good thing about Email. I can always send him regular mail, too. I like real mail. You can write your true feelings so much easier in a letter. That is why I like to write Andy,

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I've decided that I want to write for travel and leisure magazine. I love to write. I think I am pretty good at it too. My brother went back to Houston to interview for a job with a real estate agency. He want s to be a commercial realtor. No matter what my brother decides to do he will be really successful. I'm not saying that I am a psychic or anything like that, but I know how badly my brother wants to be successful, and when he wants something, he goes out and gets it. Brian and I have become much closer as I have gotten older. He is being so nice to me since I got to Austin too. I think he is realizing that I am not such a bad kid after all. He always tells me to be careful and look out for myself because he won't always be in Austin to take care of me. My brother and my dad look a lot alike too. my dad is really tall: Six feet seven inches tall to be exact. H played basketball in high school, but he wasn't good enough to play in college. I think that is why he always pushed my brother to play so much that he drove Brian away from the sport. I played field hockey in high school. If I didn't come to The University of Texas, I was going to try to play field hockey at a division one school. I'm really happy with the decision I made though. I am having so much fun here. I really miss my family, or, I guess you could say, lack thereof, in Houston. I miss my mom and my step-dad, and my dad. My brother told me that he was so much happier when he moved to Austin. I could tell too because he didn't come home very much his freshman year. I don't think my brother likes my mom very much because whenever he comes home, they fight. I think my brother is still bothered by the divorce. I never gave myself a chance to be bothered, so I think now that I am away from home and I have all of this time to think, the divorce is starting to bother me. I wonder what parent's weekend is going to be like. I guess I'll ask my brother what he did when both of our parent's showed up ready and willing to steal him from the other parent. I will just divide up the weekend: one parent gets me one night, and the other parent will get me the next night. What is sad, is that I want to get them the whole weekend: both parents on both nights. I hate it when my friends' parents are around because it makes me think of how I can't have my real family back together ever again. By the way, I have a terrible habit of feeling sorry for myself. Things could be so much worse. I feel really lucky to be able to attend college, live where I live, have both parents who love me, be blessed with so much athletic ability. I know I am lucky, but every now and again I like to play the victim. My boyfriend is the best friend I could ever have. He always wants me to feel like I can talk to him, but he never lets me make excuses for myself if you know what I mean. He always reminds me that everyone has their hardships, but those who choose to overcome their hardships instead of letting their hardships overcome them, those are the ones who end up being happy. Twenty minutes is up!

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September 4, 1997 Well, here I go beginning my stream of consciousness. I really don't know why I put the date up at top, just that I do that with everything, apologize if it offends you. Right now I am freaking out on my foot, which is almost killing me today. I swear I think I have the largest foot blister ever created currently on my foot and its not fun because I can't run, jog and it even hurts to walk on the thing. I have trouble putting on socks because the blasted thing hurts so bad. I'm really beginning to wonder what I did to deserve that, I really don't think I've messed anyone up really bad lately. I've actually been kinda nice lately, which I usually am. Well, I guess nice unless you consider what I did on Monday night. You see, some people keep calling up our dorm room and asking if its the Perry Castaneda library. I had been telling them that it wasn't until I got sick of it. So some girl called on Monday and asked how long we were open. I told her we'd be open until 12:00 midnight and that if she hurried she could catch us before we closed. I guess it was kinda mean but I also thought it was really funny. Well, my hands are already starting to hurt me and that's not good because I have about fourteen minutes left. anyway, I'm starting to get hungry now but I still have more work to do so I figure I'll leave after I'm done with it all, which will take forever. Oooh, look at her, I guess I'm definitely going to have to move after I'm done here. Oh, by the way, I'm in the SMF at the library so I can be easily distracted while I'm doing this. I must confess I do that quite a bit, like the girl sitting next to me in class today, of course, I did listen to the lecture, but it was still kind of a distraction. Anyway, wondering what to type now to let you know what's going on in my sick little head. Hey, you ever hear why ice is no longer available at the Texas A&M cafeteria? The senior who knew the recipe graduated. I have alot of questions like that. For instance, if you throw a cat out a window, does it become kitty litter? If olive oil is made of olives, what is baby oil made of? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why do they put Braille on ATM machines? Speaking of blind, what about those signs that say, "No Eye Seeing Dogs. " I mean, who's that sign for? The blind man or the dog? At the special Olympics, do they have reserved spots for non-handicapped persons? How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Does a radioactive cat have 18 lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? If Styrofoam packs everything, what do they pack Styrofoam in? Why is it that you drive on Parkways and park on driveways? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick on the pan? If Alsups is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door? Why is it that whenever you transport something by ship, its called cargo and when you transport it by car, its called a shipment? Why do they call it taking a dump when you're actually leaving something? Anyway, those are the crazy things that go through my mind. Hopefully, I won't be classified as a loony and become subjected to further tests or something. Until next time.

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So many things I need to get done this week. All of the thinking and remembering gets stressful, but at the same time it's so much fun to be on my own. I had a great workout today at World's Gym. I feel bad that I couldn't do a step aerobics class, but their schedule didn't blend well with mine. Tomorrow I will accomplish more. I think my day and my feelings are dependent on the amount of exercise I get. I love the feeling when I'm lying in bed at night that I ate very healthy and gave my heart a great workout. I wonder if I'll be happiest being a nutritionist. I've never been able to put my finger on exactly what I want to be. It makes me wonder about those people who become something great and recall in an interview that it's what they wanted to do their whole life, since they could remember. Could that actually be? I know I've wanted to be very successful since I could remember. I've always wanted enough money to buy without thinking twice about my purchase. At around thirteen or so I decided that becoming a doctor was my goal and nothing could stop me. Now, in actuality, it's possible. I've always made the grades excelling in math and science. I do know it takes a great deal more, but I feel I'm moving in the right direction. My ultimate question is, did I set my goal on becoming a doctor at such a young age because of that profession's stereotype? Doctors have lots of money and great cars, and I wonder if that's what made me so determined? But, at the same time biology is my favorite topic to study. I have this strong love for the learning channel when they're showing a surgical procedure. Nothing can take me away from the TV. But possibly it's my subconscious telling me that I need to love it? I think I'm thinking about the whole thing a little too hard. I need to start going with the flow of things instead of always feeling I need to have my agenda totally planned out. I feel so much better if I've sat down and scheduled my next day. Sometimes I follow the schedule minute by minute, and sometimes I don't. It really doesn't bother me either way if I actually stick to the whole thing. I'm noticing my times up and I almost feel sad. No ones probably going to read this whole thing, or maybe not at all. But I now see why people find diaries therapeutic. This is just like having a diary. I like it and it made me feel better than I did 22 minutes ago. Thanks, whoever!

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My name is Laura Van Hoesen and I am thrilled!!! to be here at UT. I've always loved Austin ever since I visited here when I was younger speaking of which I have been feeling like I was a little kid lately because I am in a new place with new people everything is new. Sometimes new is fun like in relationships. new is the best feeling in the whole world until it wears off it is sad and almost laughable how people can get tired of one another. Like my roommate and I are VERY tired of each other right now. Every little thing she does annoys me and I am sure she feels the same way about some of my habits. I have several annoying ones. My boyfriend says he has not found any, but that leads back to the whole newness thing. He doesn't quite know me. and I'm not quite sure I want him to . I want some McDonald's right now because I am starving I haven't eaten since this morning because I have been running all over campus getting things done. I went to a meeting for the Pom squad tryouts and I had a memory rush from high school The chick who is the director is one of my old drill team director's friends and lets just say I don't like to think of drill team much. Although it seems to be on my mind alot lately because I have been questioning weather or not I should be in Kilgore or not. I am really truly happy for Tracy and brooke and Regina, but I can't help but be envious. I know Regina is loving shoving this in my face but I wish she wouldn't Why can't we just be friends again like we were last year all of this other crap had to start and now its finished kind of. I guess not totally finished because I am still stringing Earl along. I don’t mean to be so selfish but I like having someone there for security. I have always been given security from my parents and I am used to that feeling I miss my parents they do so much for me like my mom getting this new job one that I don't even know if she likes just to make more money so I can go to UT. My sister loves to spend my parents money and I am finding out how easy it is when you're far from home and you don't see the negative effects your money spending is having on them they must really totally love us. I can not even fathom what having a child must be like sometimes I want to have children and get married and settle down and other times I don't want any of that mushy stuff. That is kind of what Earl is there for. Incase I decide to pursue the romantic side in me which I seriously doubt so I should just let him go and I am really bad at typing I used to be better but I guess I am a little out of practice I tool 2 typing classes in high school which I had a nice time in we have such an awesome senior class. I was so proud but now everybody is gone off to do their own thing I can't spell either I have always had that problem ever since I was little my whole family makes fun of me for it especially my sister. I wonder how long I have been typing I haven't typed like this since staying up all night writing and typing my senior research paper on Shakespeare. I love Ms. Holloway she was a great teacher I wonder how heather is doing in Atlanta I should call her tonight and see if she likes her class. It would be awesome to live in Georgia the Indigo girls are from Athens Georgia and I have always wanted to go there and see their home town I think where people are from say alot about them. like my cousin is from Angleton and she a real heavy accent her whole family does I hope she is ok. She went a little crazy after her father died, but who wouldn't my mother is crazy. poor woman is going through so much right now and Suzanne has to be feeling the same way with both of her daughters moving out at the same time.

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MMM I was just thinking about the rolls from Kinsolving. My friends are in my room just got really quiet so I felt very conscious of there presence. I don't know what I'm thinking about!! I am now looking at my nails-- I've been biting my nails so there not very long anymore. I'm wondering how long 20 minutes is going to be for this assignments. I really miss my friend Monica, my best friend. She would be able to make friends so easily here at UT. I am worried because I need to make study buddies. I hope my classes won't be too hard. the back of my desk is old-- well, not the back of my desk the drawer is cold I'm so blank I guess when I have to write down my thoughts, it's harder My typing sucks-- I type okay but I make a lot of mistakes that keep me from typing all of my thoughts. I hope I don't gain weight while I am here. I need to lose 15 more pounds but it's so hard when I have to eat in a cafeteria-- there are too many temptations I wonder where Aubrey is, she didn't even tell me What just happened to my computer-- I thought I had lost my entire entry I am so tired I walked a lot today. I've already written for about 14 minutes-- that went by pretty fast should I go the Grease thing? I don't want tulle on my window-- is that the way you spell tulle? Roni just told me it is spelled tulle. How am I suppose to know how to spell tulle I wish someone was in love with me- I wish I could find someone to love. Most of the guys around here seem to ignore my presence I remember this episode of Friends The guy is so rude I love Friends it is so funny Wow, it's practically been 20 minutes-- my wrist hurts from typing so much That girl is so funny-- I can't wait until the new episodes come out-- if I have time!! That settles it-- it's been over 20 minutes. So I guess I'll you go

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I like the idea of doing class assignments over the WWW. it's much easier. I think someday all assignments and teaching will be done through a web of interlinked computers. Students will sit at home in the same spot every day and fulfill their college requirements without ever seeing a professor or fellow student. I wouldn't like that however. Something would be lost without the direct personal lectures. A person telling me something with a unique style and delivery leaves a greater impression on me than any computer text ever could. I feel like I'm sticking with this subject too long, I'm thinking with too much structure. But I think that is the way I am. Before I communicate, whether by typing on a computer or talking to someone, I usually have a solid idea of what I'm going to say. I don't usually have spontaneous outbursts or a direct communication of a free flowing consciousness. I hear someone whistling in the hall, he's probably an active who will make me clean some mess up. oh well. Wow I reached the second line, I just figured this entire submission would be one never ending line of text; like some huge sentence that rambles on and on and says nothing. Isn't that ironic. I have something in the back of my head that says all this writing is just meaningless rambling. But if this is an exercise to allow my free flowing mind to be translated onto paper, that would mean that what I'm thinking is just meaningless rambling. It's always like that. My mind just jumps from random thought to random sensation (this chair isn't too comfortable) at light speed. No matter how fast I write, I don't think I could ever capture the zany, random, chaotic, and highly elusive thoughts that tickle my neurons for a millisecond then become forgotten in the same instant. But if they become forgotten how do I know about them? I wonder what I'll do tonight. I'm not sure at all. It's one of those times when I could have fun doing anything. I might. I don't know. it doesn't even matter. I don't know what else to write. I'm at a loss. Maybe by brain just hopped down a frequency. I just went from the imaginative (sort of) colorful thought chord (you know the kind you get when you read a good sci-fi book), to a superficial lethargic tone. I feel like a cave man, the only thing my mind says right now is "food. " Thank you.

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I am sitting at my kitchen table right now and I am really frustrated. I am trying to write an English paper and it is so bad. I think I am so stupid sometimes. It really frustrates me when I can't do something perfect. I am also feeling kind of lonely today. I wish I was living at Hardin House because that is where all my friends live. They all seem to be making so many new friends and I just don't feel that way. I am loving college in some ways and in other ways I hate it. I really want a boyfriend. Alot of my friends have been asked to all these pledge lines and I just haven't. Am I ugly? Am I fat? Sometimes I just want to know what exactly in wrong with me. I am tired of drinking. Everybody in Austin is an alcoholic. It makes me feel terrible and lazy. It is fun for a while and then the next day you feel like crap. My roommates still aren't back yet from San Antonio. What's wrong? My other roommate is getting in the shower. I wonder why. I wonder why Bobby Piper hasn't called me. He was my date a few nights ago. He was such a gentleman. I don't think we could ever date though. I am not a very good dancer. I get real nervous when I am on the dance floor. My friends from Arkansas left today. I didn't go out with them last night. I read my friends paper and she was talking about how drunk she was at the time. It kind of shocked me. It was kind of funny though. I think it gives me more self-esteem when guys like me. Is that horrible? Diet coke is so gross. Why am I drinking one right now? Should I call my brother? His girlfriend is so awesome. She is one of my favorite people in the entire world. I love my brother too but he gets drunk too much. I hope he doesn’t become an alcoholic. I wish people would come see me. I get kind of lonely sometimes or maybe it is that I don't want to be doing my work right now. I kind of like homework though because when I am done I get a feeling of accomplishment. That is also why I like to run. Because when I am done I get a feeling of accomplishment. I am really nervous about my English paper. I don't think it is very good. I am going to rewrite it now since I gave been rambling for twenty minutes. I need to pray. I wonder if God is always listening. Oh well, I'll stop now.

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I am currently sitting in the computer lab in the lobby of Jester. I have just finished my final class for the day, so I figured that I would go ahead and get caught up on my homework for my psychology class. I have never taken any kind of psychology class, so I don't really know what to expect. Hopefully it won't be a hard class because some of my other ones are pretty hard, and I wasn't use to doing a lot of work and studying in high school. I liked high school a lot, and kind of wish that I was still in it. I sort of miss all of my friends and it just isn't the same to party without all of them. I went home for the Labor Day holidays and partied with them, but now that I'm back in Austin everything has changed back again. I haven't really met many people since I've been here, but I can say that there are quite a few weird people. Hopefully I will get use to Austin soon because it hasn't really worked out too well just yet. I've already received two speeding tickets, a parking ticket, and had my truck towed once since I moved in two weeks ago. My parents aren't too happy with me right now, so I've got to get good grades to get them off of my back. I keep screwing up on this computer and don't really know what I'm doing. I never have been too good with computers-even though I have taken several classes in high school. I can type rather quickly, but that is about all. My fingers are getting tired of typing because I haven't typed all summer. I guess I need to get use to it since I'm going to be doing a lot of it now that I'm in college. I'm not too happy right now because I have to type this paper in the lobby computer room. I just brought back with me a notebook computer that my mom gave me, but I can't get the CD-ROM to work. The stupid thing won't read the disks for some reason, so I haven't been able to hook up the UT Connect package that I just bought. I think I made a few people mad when I went to purchase that UT Connect package because there was a long line and I sort of cut to the front on accident. I was just trying to ask the person a question about what line to get in, and he thought that I had already been waiting, and that it was my turn. Even though the guy that I cut in front of looked kinda pissed, I wasn't about to turn around and get at the back of the line. Last week I waited in it over an hour and even though I feel kinda bad for that guy, it was worth it. My eyes are getting tired of staring at this screen and I'm for my time to be up. I guess I still have a few minutes until dinner starts so I'll write for a little while longer. I didn't get much sleep last night because I just couldn't fall asleep for some reason. Some friends and I watched the movie The Program, and that lasted until about 2:30, and I still couldn't go to bed after that. I didn't have to wake up until 10:00, but I only had like 5 hours of sleep. Hopefully I can go to bed tonight with no problem. My hands are getting a little sweaty from typing so much, but I really do like to type. I'm not all familiar with the internet and the web, but I would like to be. I'm in an English lab class, so that will probably help me out a lot. I'm sitting next a guy that can type about 400 words a second-at least that's what it sounds like-and it is kind of getting on my nerves.

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I’m so uptight about writing this. There is so much on my mind that I do not even know where to start. Cristina is trying so hard to get Donny to live with her and it works out great if he does, but I just do not know how it will work. if my sister starts to bother him then he will tell me about it, and by the same token if he bothers her I will be the first to hear it. I do not understand why I am so lazy lately. it took me an hour to just decide to get down here to do this and all of my other classes are the same way. I am so nervous about trying out for spirits and dance team on Wednesday I just do not know if I can do it, it all sounds like fun, but what if Disney and Lauren get in and I don't? I am the one who told Lauren about it in the first place and I don’t think that it would be fair. I need to get my room clean before mom and dad get home , do some homework, take a nap, read a few chapters for psychology, I’m so glad that I got Jessica’s drivers license mailed to he she’s probably going to be pissed off because it took so long but I have just been so busy. I wonder how she’s doing since Anthony’s not around/ maybe ill call her later after I have done everything else. . I totally forgot to tell Cristina that I got a 49 out of 0 on my very first math quiz. mom should be happy, she'll probably just say it was easy anyway but I’m happy about it and I know Donny will be too. some time soon I need to go to the mec to find out if my Spanish credit is in yet. I cant believe I never would have guessed in a million years that I would be a sophomore in college by the end of my first semester. Donny and I are going to be late to dinner at cricky's tonight if he has to mow so many people's yards, but why am I worried about it they talked an agreed on a certain time then its none of my business. I hope he wont get rid of Nikki, I love that cat and if I did not live at home I would take her. maybe Donny and I will get married at the end of this year after all then we wont have to worry about stupid little things like this and rent will be alot easier to pay if there are two of us contributing to the cause. I wonder what our babies are going to be like. I think that all of the boys will be just like him, moody. what will it be like to engaged as sophomores in college, that is if we aren't engaged in a month that would be wonderful I know it would motivate me to work alot harder.

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Stream of Consciousness Well here I am. I wonder why the professor asked us to do this? I had to do this once before. I can't remember what class it was for. I think it was for English class. I liked my English teacher. I think her name is Mrs. Siskovic. She was a good teacher. She sounded when she read to us. I'm glad I took that dual credit English class, now I don't have to take English in college. That is one less thing to worry about. I wonder if I turned off the oven? Oh yeah, I did. I can't believe I left the refrigerator open all night. I'm just glad my milk didn't spoil. I just bought it. At least I don't think it spoiled, it tasted pretty good in my cereal this morning. I need to buy more cereal. That new cereal is pretty good. I think those fish sticks upset my stomach. I think next time I'll buy fish fillets. I like fish and fishing. I wonder if there is any place to fish around here. I think lake Wytnie is close but I'm not sure. Then again it be far. I don't know what to get my girlfriend for her birthday. I think I'll get her a card, some flowers, and take her out to dinner. I really miss her. I hope she goes to St. Edwards next year so she will be closer and I can see her more often. I can't believe I have to go to ACC next semester to take college Algebra. I must have skipped a question and didn't skip it on the answer sheet. I've already taken calculus in high school and I made an A. I can't believe I scored so low on the SAT 2 math part. I wonder if there is any more Kool-Aid left? I think there is grape, get some when I'm done. I'm real thirsty but he said not to stop once you've started. My hand is cramping. I think this callous on my finger is getting bigger. I hope I can figure out how to get my computer to work on the internet. I guess I'll just ask somebody. I hate to ask people things, especially directions. I think I'm done.

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Right now I am very hacked off because it has taken me 30 minutes to find this home page using this very complicated computer. I'm not used to using Macs and it is very annoying. I also don't know why this screen doesn't scroll down. That is very annoying also along with this keyboard I’m using. Well I'm tired of complaining so I will start thinking about something else. I have to leave for my home town in 30 minutes because I have a court date tomorrow. My stepdad will be here and I'm sure he's going to complain about traffic. I hope he takes me to eat somewhere because I'm tired of dorm food. I can't think of anything to write so I'll write that. This assignment is very weird and I don't know how anything can come of it. What should I say? I don't consciously know what I am thinking so I don't know what to type. I'm just sitting here trying to think of something profound to say. That is stupid considering that I don't have to say anything important but I guess that is what I'm used to doing when I write an assignment. Right now I'm staring at a picture of a whale's tale as it dives into the ocean. It really looks kind of stupid and I can't think of anything else to say about it. You psychology people are strange and I wonder what the heck you’re going to do with all these papers that are basically garbage. Are you going to do some experiment or what? This is not what I am good at. Just writing what I think because I usually think about 3 or more subjects at a time and I can't type fast enough to get everything I'm thinking onto the page. Oh Well. Oops I made a grammatical mistake. this is very boring and I'm tired of typing. thank God I only have two more minutes of this. Hey now it's only one minute. Well, It's been nice sharing what 's in my brain with you and I hope you have fun studying what I've written for hours upon hours. I hope it helps in whatever you hope to accomplish. See Ya.

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I have done these things before and I really don't think that they work. I had to do one in English one time and I hated it. I guess maybe it works for some people but your conscious of what your doing so it seems like it really isn't a true way to examine your thoughts like if you were simply thinking in a park or something right now I will indulge the assignment and try to switch my thoughts all around. I love scream, its on the tv right now and I like this movie. ; I here that the second one is do out this winter so I’m excited. I really enjoy some of the lectures in the class especially the ones lately about the various functions of the brain. The brain is so complex. I used to think about the brain and wonder if my brain knew I was thinking about itself. Hmmm, I don't know what to say exactly. I am gonna play some pool after I get done writing this paper. I have a pool table at home so I am probably better than average but lately I've been playing worse and worse. It really frustrates me too. I hate when I don't play basketball for a while because then I go back and I'm just A LITTLE OUT OF RYTHEM OR I MISS A SIMPLE SHOT OR SOMETHING. Recently I have smoked a cigarette every once in a while and I feel bad about that because I always pre3ached against it to my friends and it is bad for athletes because it effects your breathing a little because you can't breathe in as much. I'm being A BIT Distracted by the tv and my twenty minutes are half way up. I don't know I f I can really fill up another ten minutes but I guess I can because I have to. It really isn't hard because its just free thought but its controlled free thought because I've got the monitor and keyboard in front of me so I don't think your mind can wonder as much. along those lines I don't know if I agree with the stats that the teenage male thinks about sex every eight seconds or whatever because I know I don't think of sex that much. Imagine if when you were talking to your dear old granny A hot naked women flashed into your mind. how bizarre and distracting that would be to everyday life. I often wonder what the stats for how much women think about sex is. I wish that they thought about it as much as guys, but if they did the population of the earth would be worse than it already is and we really can't have that lets see mgmhmmhfmfm sorry . I coughed. ehehehehe I think I have come to another point of not really being in a thought process. I wonder how weird the papers are that you guys get I would love to be able to read some of them . I think that you should post some of them in class so we can all laugh at the similarities that are sure to exist between our entries. I don't know what I’ve been told . I like led zep but not all of their stuff. It is pretty good though . I wonder if classic rock will be around for several more decades . I hope so Oh my time is up so I'm gonna go know. Bye bye baby!!!!

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College seems very stressful. It's not like high school where you are playing only to get into college, now, more or less, you are playing for the rest of your life. It seems rather dramatic when you think about it. How can an eighteen year old hold the future in his or her hands. That seems rather demanding. However, the possibility of greatness and success can motivate five- year olds, it seems. Anyway, 40000 people is certainly a lot to contend with. Pressure seems to fill the air everywhere. Not that I mind it at all. I kind of like the atmosphere that engulfs Texas. The attitude of "wanting to learn " is beneficial to everyone involved in the higher education process. High School seems like a distant memory now that I'm here. It's extremely hard to imagine that only a few months ago I was a Senior. Man was that fun to say. I enjoyed every second of my senior year, but this year will be so much better. Thinking of the Princess Diana tragedy. . She was a wonderful woman. I think that outside her death, the biggest tragedy to come out of this deal is the fate of her children. I couldn't possibly imagine the stress and trauma of losing my mother. That's seems incomprehensible at my age. I look now to the rest of the school year. It seems so intimidating right now. I don't know how the courses will be and I hope that my work ethic will stand firm. I think that my favorite quote is "Greatness courts failure" I don’t think there is anything more true in this world than that. I first heard it on Tin Cup. What a great flick. I saw Boyz in the Hood last night for the first time in years. Outside of the young boy giving the Reagan Bush '84 sign the bird, the movie was spectacular. Funny how there were riots in Los Angeles on the night of the movie's premier. That seems odd. The movie is very sympathetic to the myriad of problems in South Central, LA and automatically, there is public outcry. That's like riots in Scotland when Braveheart was released (Didn’t happen, but serves as a sarcastic counter point. The best movie of all time maybe Braveheart, but the best movie of last year was Jerry Maguire, hands down. Good love story and date flick. I recommend it to anyone who reads my babble here. Furthermore, it is imperative to realize the implications and the modifications of absolutely nothing. I just like typing implications and modifications. Do do do a da da da. Theme of a funny commercial I saw yesterday, one of the many considering how bored I was. Slothfulness can certainly be enjoyable, though

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It's 5:27 and I am beginning this assignment. It's an interesting one. You never really pay attention to how your mind jumps from one thing to another, at least I don't. My roommate just came in. She thinks I am mad at her and I am a little. I'm always waiting on her and it's annoying. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I was about to go to the cafeteria and she wanted me to wait for her . Thirty minutes later we start walking to the cafeteria and she decides she's not hungry. I had waited for nothing. We get along very well, but I don't think she realizes what she does. She keeps interrupting me while I'm writing this and it's timed. She got mad at me just now because I asked her to be quiet. She left the door open and there's someone playing their music pretty loudly. I really don't like the girls next door. We get along with the girls who live a couple of doors down very well. The one's next door just aren't very friendly. My roommate heard one of the girls slamming stuff around and griping because I was playing Ozzy Osborne. One of them is in choir and she's always doing voice exercises. I hope my roommate doesn't start acting like I'm mad at her or vice-versa. She's on the phone. Her guy problems are pretty entertaining. I try to help her out, but I really can't empathize with her. She has a completely different approach and understanding with the opposite sex. Zack is going back to Graham tonight. He's one of my friends from home. I've known him since kindergarten. I've also been infatuated with him since kindergarten. Maybe he'll decide he likes me too. I doubt it though. That's a depressing thought. Oh well. There are plenty of other guys around here. In Graham there were not even close to as many. Population:9,000. Graduating class: 134. That's why I came here. I wanted to be in a place with many other people. I have definitely found that place. A lot of people from Graham thought I was crazy for wanting to come here. I guess different people want different things. it makes sense. One of our friends from down the hall just came in. She's very cool. She's going to let me use her computer to type this, which is sweet of her. It's very beneficial to know people. Everyone has something to offer. Of course, you have to give also. Some are better at that than others. I know I’ve given plenty of cigarettes. Hopefully I've contributed more than just that. I've offered advice, which of course I always thought was good advice. I've tried to be friendly. I've given complements. I've loaned money and shared food. O. K. , I've done my part so far. I think school is going to go well. I just can't let people take advantage of me like I have in the past. I think I can manage the academic part pretty well. The only thing that is difficult so far is Calculus and that was to be expected. I've been doing my best though, and that's all I can do.

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Well this really pisses me off. I write you assignment to send to you but I get no connection. So I save it and try to do send it again. It got lost, even worse I have to do this again just turn this stupid thing in. For something I have already did, this really pissed me off. So to make sure you get this thing I'm thinking about emailing this to you. And to think I actually did truly analyze myself for this project, tell you my true feelings and you don't even get to see it. This is what is really going in my sub- consciousness. You well probably are not going to get a memo like this class. Too bad, I really had a great paper or memo you could have really thought about. It was about time, and since I have to do this the Second TIME, it's even hardier to write about. Speaking of time I have about 5 minutes left so here it goes. I feel that time is one of the most under-rated things in this world today. Just look at me I'm writing this memo for the second time today and have to do the other one tomorrow. Now that was a lot of stress for just one day. Still I accomplish more things under pressure, I think that is what I'm best at. Well it is time for me to depart, so I hope I well learned something in your class. Man, this really is stress releasing.

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First I am wondering why I am doing this assignment - this seems silly but still my mind is always wandering and therefore this should not be difficult. I hope Camille calls me back this evening. I really think I should be a happy guy as long as she stops talking about her dog. She is silly with her blonde hair I am hungry Jester food is so amusing I wonder if I can eat that food everyday after I graduate the girl sitting next to me is very "not amusing" I hope she does not stand up, for she probably wouldn't appreciate what I say about her I wonder if anyone else stares at people they find unattractive she probably thinks I want to take her on a date or something because I keep looking at her, but in reality the only place I would take her is to the zoo and tell her to stay there I don't enjoy typing but I suppose it keeps my fingers from getting fat when I took keyboarding in tenth grade I learned to type fairly fast but the only thing I remember typing in that class was the sentence Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. who said that Kennedy Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country how exciting I would like to think that includes women as well because they can die too oh no the ugly girl just caught me looking at her I acted like I had a bug in my eye she is talking with the girl next to her, and surprisingly enough she is typing the same silly assignment I am I really hope she is in the same lecture class as I am because I would like to sit next to her and ask her why her hair smells so bad is it a lack of shampoo or is it a hereditary flaw either way I remember whey I watched Back to the Future part III when they were in the 1880's I bet everyone smelled back then Clint Eastwood has been in alot of western movies I really do not like this computer because the more I write the more the screen moves over as if the line is a mile long I have written for seven minutes already and I have only written seven lines one line a minute is about as fast as I eat a taco but taco bell has this new hot sauce that they call FIRE how scary I can drink that stuff it is so hot I threw some on our fire in our chimney at home and it put the fire out the girl working at the counter in the computer lab is not amusing either Those glasses she is wearing went out of style when Marsha Brady graduated highschool if she has binoculars she can probably see my screen from her seat so if she kicks me out before twenty minutes I wonder if Mr. Pennebaker would be sympathetic why are there pictures of whales on the wall maybe to remind most of the girls in here they ought not to eat too much I had a girlfriend named Paige Scott in seventh grade and we called her whale but I didn't care because she was so nice That is good All guys should only care about personality to an extent, anyway that's why I like Camille. maybe two or three girls have come through my life that I could honestly say I didn't care what anyone else thought about them because I like them anyway. the last to own that title got pregnant last month so I was kind of angry with her. Most girls would probably break up with their boyfriends when they only offer to pay for 1/3 the cost of an abortion and they spend that money on marijuana I was happy to lend her the money maybe she'll realize she's better off with me anyway because I would have paid for the entire thing and I would have gone through the procedure I God allowed me too how long has it been now ok five more minutes what would you like to know? SUBMIT YOUR PAPER that sounds silly I would rather crumple it up and throw it at my teacher Teachers should tell the class more about themselves so may be I would now rather or not it was acceptable behavior to throw my exams at them. Do they like baseball? I went to look up my friends number at the university of Texas And m but he was not listed. The computer seemed to think he was the head of the alumni or something. Doubt it - he probably won't graduate because he smells too he and Bevo ought to share a bathroom. he used to have a shaved head and a little horn on top. Which reminds me of the dumbest thing he's ever done when he worked at a video store and stole 12 porno movies. His parents are head of the Christian Mission Church or something and they were kinda mad. he has no scruples he had to pay 180 dollars for those movies and he wanted to watch them at my house. Doubt it I don't steal from video stores and I will not agree to his stealing them either, but I did watch this movies at his house. they were exciting I guess one of the girls names was heather Hooters she was pretty but I doubt she was 100% natural is anyone I know going to read this? That's ok cause I am happy with who I am I will tell the whole world I love, well something, I won't mention because if the president of this university knows he will transfer me to a and m. ok I love farming. The sound of the plow chu chu chu through the grass is almost enough to bring me to orgasm. one more minute can you tell I 'm looking at my watch I shouldn't treat this as a paper where I am talking to someone else but rather just with myself but how can I think about anything else when my fingers hurt so much from typing maybe Camille will call but I hope I can hold off on calling her - time to eat - Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. Oops I almost hit the clear button.

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TOday was an easy day for me since I only had two classes to attend. IN math, I really had a hard time staying awake. I didn’t know if it was because I knew the lesson already or was it that the teacher was boring the heck out of me. Either way, I was very tired and at times, I just dozed off. In my EDP class, I had to find information on financial aide. I also had to start a checking account at the credit union. By chance in the corner of my eyes, I could a brochure on financial loans for students. So I picked it up and will bring it to class for my presentation. Right now I'm stuck in my room and typing my psychology assignment which is due on Friday. It's an easy assignment because it will be graded on whatever you completed or not. I probably will need this grade to bolster up my average since psychology isn't really an easy class. Tomorrow will be a more challenging day with 3 classes to attend. English at 8 in the morning is a killer time for me. I had no choice but to take that time slot because all the times were filled up. I tries to call TEX many times, but had no luck. Now I have to get used to waking up early every Tuesday and Thursday at about 7:30 in the morning. It's a pain in the butt, but the good thing is that I can come back and sleep some more since my next class is at 3:30 which is psychology. I really need to take a nap before my psy class because last week on Wednesday, I didn't take one and when I attended the class, I had a hard time staying awake. I'm glad that I'm in college now because I feel more independent than at home. My mom would always get on my nerves with all her questions and nagging and now she isn't able to do it anymore. But it gets to a point where I kind of miss the questioning and the nagging which I think is contributed to homesick. I can't wait until thanksgiving when I get to go back and see the family because I really miss my baby brother. I would always take his pillow and blanket just to tease him but my mom would end up shouting at me to give it back. I also miss playing basketball with my 1tenth grade brother. He is trying out for the basketball team at his high school and I hope he makes it. He still thinks he can beat me, but that won’t probably ever be true until I'm about 60 and he's 57. This weekend, I hope to attend the football game with my friends again. I went to the one last week and we blew away Rutgers by a lot. It was a great game because there were a lot of people in attendance and the place was packed. A packful of people screaming and cheering for the longhorn football team was one of the greatest moment I have ever saw because I have never attended a college football game before. It was quite hot and I was wearing jeans which was dumb of me. I definitely learn my lesson and will wear shorts to all the day games. I might even paint my face to show some school spirit. Maybe not. After I finish this assignment, I will have to start working on my English paper which is due next Thursday. I kind of have a idea of what to write about but it might take awhile before I fully understand the assignment. The good thing about it is that my teacher is very nice and she will be willing to help me if I need it. My EDP teacher also mentioned a writing center which I could go to if I have problems starting an idea or need my paper to be edited. I think that is cool because in high school, there wasn't a writing center that would help you with your paper. You had to go to the teacher for help and sometimes they make you do all the thinking even when you don't have a clue. I guess that's one of the luxuries for being in college because people want you to succeed and that's a great feeling to have. The one thing I keep on forgetting to do is to buy my psy book. I may have to run by co-op and see if they have it since BEVO's was out of them. Textbooks are very expensive in college, but it's probably worth it when it comes to things you don't understand or for the test. The good thing is that you can resale them back to the store. I think my time is up so that's all I'm going to write. I think I changed the subject like 6 different times but I think that's the purpose of this essay. So, that's all.

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Ok, my thoughts for 20 min. It's 9:35 right now so I'll be done at 9:55. I feel like a moron doing this. I don't even know how to use internet. I wish Robert hurry up and come set up my Ethernet. I really need to write Katherine a letter. I bet she's mad at me since I wrote Megan and not her. Where and when and how am I going to type this up. It's only been 5 min! 15 more minutes of free thoughts. Kelly sure has been on the phone for a long time. she's always on the phone with 'T', Teresa. They always get in fights too. I wonder if it's ok for me to ask her about that guy she met in Dallas that asked her out. Probably not since she turned red and silent when Sandy pointed out her hickey. I guess I won't say anything. My hand kind of hurts now. I think alot faster than I write. I wonder if that was someone at he door just a second ago. You know, maybe I'll write up both of these assignments tonight and then type them up on different days. Nah, I don't feel like doing the college one tonight. I am such a bad typist. This would have been so much shorter if I just typed it rather than transpose my thoughts. I don't think I'll worry about spelling correctly when I do type this. Kelly is still on the phone and Robert has not come to fix my computer yet. I guess I have less power over him since he made out with some chick on Saturday. Sexual tension can be such a powerful tool. Hmmm, what time is it? 9:50, only 5 more minutes to go. My head itches, now my nose. Ah, that's much better. I wonder if Mike really does like Sandy. It seems like it sometimes. Channing hates Mike because of it. can't believe I spilled out some of my innermost secrets to Mike and he's so rude to me sometimes. I sure do miss Nick. I wonder if he'll write me. As soon as Georgia gets my letter she'll probably send me his address. I'm not going to write to him though unless he writes me first. I really like my handwriting. It looks very similar to my mother's. What time is it now? 9:56. I'm done. I can't believe I thought such stupid things in these past 20 minutes.

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I don't know what I should be doing right now. I mean life is so complicated and strange to me. My father says I can do whatever I want to at university and he will be happy with it, but the thing is if I do what I want then he would be pretty upset with me. Hell, he would disown me. I don't know why I have to do things in order to please him but I have to. Its like I have no choice. I am just starting to get his trust back and I don't want to lose that little bit that I have. You could say that I'm destined to do what other people want me to do. That is the way that society is these days. We are all conformed to a certain structure in life that we have to follow; and if we don't conform then we are outcasts and shunned by society. The "norm" they call it. Why does there have to be a "norm". I don't see why we can't live the way that we choose and be free. Oh well, back to happy thoughts. Amanda. There is a happy thought. I wonder. I wonder what? I don't know. I guess I wonder if it will work. I'm nuts about he she is nuts about me, but we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. I guess that is true about a lot of couples. But I still don't know. What I do know is that I want to stay together, even though everyone is talking about us. I don't care how old she is. Hell, she is only 2 years younger that me so that doesn't matter. People are just making a big deal out of it because I am in college and she is a sophomore in high school. She is still a lot more mature than a lot of people older than me. She understands a lot of things. I guess that is because she grew up in Saudi. People there are generally more mature than people here in the states. We are forced to grow up faster than people here. We lose our innocence faster, and have to learn about the world and society as a hole much quicker. Lets leave it on this note. These are strange days that will challenge our true selves. I wish I could go deeper than that but I'm not going to spill all of my guts to a computer. Later babe.

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Okay, now is the time -- I usually don't have trouble writing for a long period of time - at least typing, because I think I type faster than I write. I am continuously writing e-mails to people. In fact, one semester I was even addicted to the Internet! I was always on it. I wasn't as bad as my roommate at the time thought he never even went to class! I couldn't believe it. At least I knew to be addicted at nighttime! Anyway - I enjoy typing and I really enjoy writing my thoughts. This stream of consciousness reminds me of my senior year in high school when we got to read James Joyce in my English class. It was the best book I read all year - the Portrait of the Artis as a Young Man - does this computer have a way to skip to the next line, or do I do that myself? Well - I shall do it myself. OK - anyway - about Stephen Dedalus - in James Joyce. The entire book was written the way I am writing this essay. I guess it is an essay -- I always thought they were spelled like S. A. ! but - that seems stupid when you think about it. Psychology really seems interesting. But - I know the tests are hard. I am graduating in December and I have always wanted to take Psy. I just never had the time when it came to my major and all the government, etc. classes I had to take. I can't wait to graduate. There is so much red tape at this institution. Yesterday - just to add into a class that wasn't even full - My God. You would think the class is controlled by Zeus himself! I had to fill out forms - and then I had to make inquiries and get permission from the professor. Just so I could take Accounting 310f for Non- Business majors that isn't even a grade for me since I am taking it pass/fail. Now does that not sound stupid. Sometimes I think education has become too much like government. Not enough quality - just a lot of quantity of BS where nothing is really ever accomplished. The status quo just seems to prevail. I think that is terrible. but -if you think about it - it makes sense. This institution cares not if I get a good education- but rather if I am able to jump through all the hoops it places before me. Whether I can read the fine print and take all the courses and get all the red tape cut before I graduate. Is that what the college experience should be about? I guess college prepares a person for life. Not in the classes taken per se - but in the lifestyle of the student. So - if I understand that life is simply college magnified, and if I can jump through all the hoops placed before me in college and actually graduate with my 120 hours, then maybe life won't be as complicated and difficult. The question then becomes if life gets more simple and less strenuous and frustrated, then shouldn't college follow in suit? Since I don't believe that will ever happen, I guess the college is here to stay. If anything - college prepares a person for graduate school! Law school, oy - a Yiddish expression - I can't wait for that! I am taking a course now on constitutional law by Dr. Perry. I absolutely love it. - It mystifies me, the Constitution. What does is cover - what responsibilities does it have. How does one know? All these questions can be answered and asked in this class. There are only 10 people in the class - compared to the 500 or so in PSy. class, I would say that's pretty good! I think I figured out how to do these lines on this computer I just have to push return before getting to the end of the line instead of writing one line to eternity. How does the TA actually know that I spent 20 minutes on this? What if I simply type really fast and I get more words on the screen than the next guy? What if I say -- well, it's only been 5 minutes but - I gotta go? Who ever thought of that movie with Woody Allen about the future and sex is regulated! DAMN! I promised myself to write about everything in the world not having anything to do with sex. I thought that for 20 minutes I could think of not having sex. Damn. I guess I am just a typical 21 year old guy who can't get his mind out of the gutter. that really upsets me I always thought I could be more than the average Joe. Well - that shall be for my next paper on the college experience. Boy - are y'all gonna love that or what?!! GOTTA GO NOW -- THE PROFESSOR IS CALLING ME!!!

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I wish it was Friday actually I wish it was next Friday then I would be going home vacuums really bug me I want to change the channel but I don't want to get up but duck tales really sucks and even though I’m not even watching it and just hearing it bugs me I guess that's something you just have to deal with if you're lazy I want to talk to Stephen but I don’t want to call him because I called last but he hasn't called me which really doesn't make much sense but guys don't make any sense anyway so its ok I don't want to go to calculus tomorrow but I should because I’ve already missed it twice I wish it would rain I want to get caught in the rain I want some Dr pepper but I don’t want to go buy some because I don't want to spend the money I want to get an exhaust even though I haven't even found anybody to race up here I should write to Christina I need to check the mail who cares about the kennedys I hope I have some mail but I really doubt it I never get mail my room looks so boring I don't like living in a dorm it really sucks but I guess this is better than jester it's kind of hard to think and write at the same time I hate typing why are her clothes still hanging there what's wrong with using the dryer I need to do laundry double your pleasure double your fun my boobs itch I guess I shouldn't have tanned for so long

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Philosophy. can one truly think that one knows nothing? If one truly thinks that one knows nothing, doesn't that mean that he in fact truly knows something. that he knows nothing. If God is omnipotent can he make a rock so heavy he can't carry it? God. If he were the perfect God why hasn't he made himself present to the entire world? How can this world think so highly of itself that it thinks it has found the right religion already. Maybe the true God has never been seen, has never been thought, has never been written down before. There always exists the possibility that perhaps the world came about in a way no one has every thought of before. It's possible and very probable. Can one truly put all his faith in God. If God is an almighty, omnipotent being, can one put his entire life into God's hands? But then God says not to be foolish. Is it foolish to want an explanation. Maybe the confusion is meant for a reason. Have to get an application to College of Engineering. To be a genius wouldn't be so bad. It wouldn't be that great either. Everything has its ups and downs, black, white, heaven, hell, etc. Perhaps the goal is to reach a true balance. Maybe then we'll be content. Then again to be content and balanced you would have to have some discontent. Fashion is definitely too emphasized in this world. When will comfort be in? It will probably take off like a forest fire. People will realize there are plenty of more important things than clothes and appearance. Of course that doesn't mean stop bathing and wearing dirty clothes. People need to get priorities straight. Why waste your time taking a speeding ticket to court. Time is money. Time is more valuable than money. Without time we are nothing. Without money, we are without money. Time will never wait nor come back. Smurfs. I remember Smurfs. Back in the childhood days when things weren't so complicated. A tiny blue creature was simply a tiny blue creature. Not a tiny conniving blue wench searching for self promotion or upholding a social image or making the extra buck. It was a time of snowmen and berry fights and rope swinging and rock climbing and tadpole watching. Nothing more, nothing less but perhaps invaluable.

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It is late and I need to get so sleep but I trying to stay awake writing this assignment. I am so glad I finish the English paper. I can now relax for about two before he gives us another one. I hope I'll be able to wake up tomorrow to go to class at nine in the morning. I hate English the most. Writing paper gives me a headache. What the hell is Quyen listening to. I glad I got a lot done today. I can't wait till next weekend comes back around. Maybe next weekend I be able to relax and not have to work. Just ten more minutes and I will be done. This writing assignment is stupid but I am glad it is easy. It not so bad. My back hurts. I should take so Tylenol. Maybe it will help. Shit, I forgot I have a reading assignment in biology. After this, I am going to take a shower and climb straight to bed. Working and going to school is getting real tiring. I am hunger but I am also very sleepy. There probably nothing in the fringe to eat anyway. That reminds me I need to go to the store tomorrow. Maybe I'll get some real healthy food this time. My eyes are dry. I need to take out my contacts. I think has been twenty minutes now so I'll stop here.

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When I first decided to go back to school I knew from my current job at Texas School for the Blind that I wanted to enrich my knowledge in the fields of the social and psychological sciences. I soon realized that most of the more detailed social science classes required PSY 301. This brings us to the present. I have always had a strong interest in the ways and whys of peoples reactions to life. Since I was a young girl people have come to me for answers to questions on their lives or advice of different content. Supplying folks with this help has never over taxed my own brain and I have even found it to be very rewarding. I always chalked my natural abilities up to my own experiences as a child. I was ordered by law to see a psychologist because of the fighting of my parents over my sister and myself. I did the Rohrshac(inkblot test) , the what do you see in the clouds thing and many other "buzz" tests of the day (circa mid 1970's). Anyway, these test never showed my little 5,6,7, and 8 year old psyche to be under too much mental duress and I was an above average student at school. I even skipped lessons in 1st grade and was moved to 2nd because I knew how to read. However, since the death of my father last year and the pre-grieving of watching someone be taken by AIDS, my need to make heads or tails out of some of the reasons and whys my own life has unfolded as it has , has become an intensified desire I must look further into.

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As I sit her and begin this assignment so many things come to mind. I feel overwhelmed with things I need to do, but I'm glad I'm getting this assignment completed at last. My watch is bugging me it continues to hit against the desk. If I only could get and stay comfortable I could get so much more done. I feel like I make to many excuses, yet I always get done what I need to get done. I miss home, not completely. I don't want to be there now, for no one is there friend wise really, but I just miss the security. I can't wait till I'm busier here at school. There is so much I want to do. There is a smudge on my computer screen, just enough that the words beneath it are a little blurred. I wonder where the name Bevo came for the mascot of UT. Names are so funny. I mean who comes up with them. My name is strange and unique. People always ask me how I got it. I know it is derived from my grandfather's name, but I don't know how they logistically came up with it. Is Logistically a word. I doubt it . I'm always coming up with words like that. I had the best weekend. It was a lot of fun. I got to spend some time with friends I hadn't seen in a while. I only wish it wasn't so rushed. We were constantly doing stuff. I just wanted to hang out and chill, but Oh no we had to party non-stop. I don't drink so I feel as if I'm not always that much fun. I know that is stupid. But that's how I feel. Feelings are so weird they suck sometimes and are awesome other times. They are so demanding. I mean whatever you are feeling takes so much energy be it positive or negative. I feel lonely now. But I'm glad. I need to spend time with myself. but I'm the kind of person that can't stand being alone. That's something I'm going to have to work on. I played soccer in high school. But I had surgery my senior year and couldn't play. I kinda want to play again, but I'm worried I'll suck since it has been so long. I cant believe I've used the word, "suck" so many times that is so rude and un-lady like. excuse me. Well I don't even know who I'm apologizing to. I just know if my mother knew I used that word she would have a few words with me. I just realized I need to flip my calendar. I can't believe it is already Sept. It seams like just yesterday summer was here. I'm not as good of a typist as I used to be, I keep hitting the wrong keys, or should I say striking the wrong keys. Typing is a lot like playing the piano you strike keys in a planed out order to create something. It's kind of neat when you think about it. Everything is like that. A lot of little things put together is what creates the whole picture, piece of music or art. I can't wait to get married. Well that's not true. I can wait to get married but I can't wait to find My soul mate. I believe God intended for us to only be with one person, and that person was created for us, just like we were created for them. Well anyway I can't wait to meet him. I miss my cat. I remember the professor mentioned writing about our animals, and that made me think of my cat. I love him. He is so cute and inviting, I don't think he has ever met a stranger, or an enemy. It would be nice if there were more people like that. I hope I don't get that carpal tunnel disease or whatever from typing incorrectly, that would not be good. I miss my friends, but most of all my best friend he is so awesome, but he's not dealing with this whole separation thing well, or maybe I'm not dealing with it well and he is doing just fine. Either way I'm not happy with the situation. I think I have the wrong edition book for my psychology book. I hope it doesn't make a difference. I guess I will find out tomorrow. A rose is so beautiful. I just spotted a picture of one. It is so symbolic. How It's beauty is dangerous to the touch. An important lesson to be learned and cherished, well I've been at this for just over twenty minutes now so I think I'll call it quits. But his was fun.

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I sit in a chair. I wonder . I wonder about life. we have many options. to live, to die, or get cancer. cynical ideas always cross my mind. I question everything that comes my way. anything. why are dachshunds the best dogs to have. I always look for different things. like the outside world. there are some things you just can't reveal. sometimes there are no answers to questions and no questions can answer. I can't write. I would like to be a screenwriter someday but I can not write complete thoughts. I am really scatterbrained. I have many ideas but I am afraid that I will fail listen. I always have a ear that listens to weird noises, give me an apple. I would like to eatan apple tonight. tonight is a good a good night. tonight will be never the same again. there will always be room to live in another night. I hope I can learn how to type faster cause I have many strange and honest thoughts running through my mind tonight. I will think of why I am writing this. I don't want to think about it cause it will take up too much of my other ideas. I like to read why people are the way they are. I think every body’s brain I s incredibly strange. infinity is a concept that cloud not be conceived not in this brain, or anybody else’s. some day will the word mean something or will it? that I can not explain or will try to explain or think like I know I can explain. I like to talk to people about their spirituality ideas ideas ideas. I know that I will sleep exceptionally well . I am typing this at night because I was really thinking and I am not able to put all of it on paper. listen to me listen to me I am rambling. I am a really drained for thinking about my future. I am almost certain that I know what I want to do but I am afraid of failing and never be able to be happy. I do have confidence, ambition and ] think that I will be successful. I have been writing/typing for at least 20 min. I could go all night but instead I will make my mind ' wander of into some other tangent.

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Well, I'm not really sure what types of things I'm supposed to be saying. I miss my boyfriend so much. I hope he has a safe trip home. I hope he doesn't fall asleep. I feel really sleepy myself. I hope I can stay awake for this twenty minutes. Time seems to go by so slowly when you're sleepy. Especially when school work is involved. I wish I was a better typer. It is so hard to just think normally when you're typing on a computer. People probably think I'm not a very interesting person. I try to be, but I think I was born to be boring. Be boring and study my life away. I really don't mean to be so studious. I mean I want to do well in school, but I think I'm too caught up in it. Everything makes me nervous. It is so strange because even though I know this isn't going to be "graded", I feel nervous about doing it wrong or not doing a good job. I miss my family and my friends. I don't think I appreciated them enough when I was home. It is so hard to build a friendship up from scratch. It took years to be so close to them, and now I have to start all over. I'm truly lucky to have people that share all of my memories and understand all of my feelings. I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them. I'm so paranoid. I'm always concerned that people are deceiving me in relationships. What if they don't mean "love" in the same way that I do? I hate being hurt. I like to be in control and be omniscient. I like to have the upper hand with people. Unfortunately, I think most of the time I'm the vulnerable one. Is that normal? Probably. If I tell myself that enough I might believe it. Could someone really love someone enough that they would die for them if they had to. So many songs make that claim. It must be a truly amazing love. I am still in awe when I think about what Jesus did for me and everyone else. He died a most humiliating and painful death so we wouldn't have to. What love! How sad though to think that not everyone accepts it! I feel so guilty when talking to someone that doesn't accept it. I feel like there is something I could say to solve it, but I just don't know what. I know I'm not doing everything I could for Christ, and therefore not being quite good enough. I know I can't be perfect, but I try so hard to be. It feels that I come up short a lot in my life. It is so stressful. I'm probably going to die at an early age because of it. I can't stop though. Kale is so wonderful. He would do anything for me. I can't imagine anyone loving me that much unless they have to. My parents have to, but he doesn't. It is amazing.

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Right now I'm sitting in the computer lab at my dorm. I'm really bored and really want to get this writing assignment out of the way. The direction say that I should type for 20 minutes. I have 18 minutes to go. I'm a really slow typist. I was just watching TV with my roommate and then I came down here to check my e-mail. My dad sent me a really sweet message. I really miss him but I'm really not homesick. I'm having a lot of fun up here at school and meeting a lot of new people. I really like all of my classes. Okay, fifteen minutes to go. My ankle really hurts because I sprained it. There were some girls in here that would not shut up and they were really getting on my nerves. One of them just hit my chair as she was leaving and didn't even apology. The letter after y on this key board will not work. Okay, I'm supposed to be living in a really nice dorm and this computer won't even work right. Oh well. I fell really bad for my roommate because she and her mom got in a fight tonight and she was crying when I came home and stuff. She really is a nice person and we get along really well. Only 11 more minutes to go. Well, I'm really excited about the football game this weekend. My friends went and got tickets for me and my roommate to sit with them. We are on the fifty yard line on the first row. I can't wait. My parents are leaving for Maine in about two weeks. They have a huge trip planned to New York, Washington, Maine, Boston, and somewhere else. I'm really excited for them. They need some time to get away. My dad really works too hard so this will be a time for them to relax and have some fun. They just celebrated their twenty-seventh anniversary. I think that is really cool and I admire them for being so happily married for so long. My roommate just came in to check her e-mail. I wonder if she has any. She is now e-mailing one of her friends. I wonder if Keith will call me back tonight. I hope that he is not too mad at me. I guess I find out soon enough. I had so much fun this past weekend. I spent the weekend with my four friends that have an apartment here in Austin. My roommate went home for the weekend so I just hung out with them. We had a BBQ one night and watched movies and went swimming and laid in the hot tub and just relaxed. It was so much fun. I think that I'll spend this weekend with them again. Gabe kissed me this past weekend and I really don't know what to think. He calls me a lot now to check on me and to make sure I get home okay and to see what I'm doing and stuff. We've been friends for a long time so I really don't know what to think. Well, my twenty minutes if officially up, so see ya later.

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My mind is totally blank right now. I am just happy that got in the computer lab and was able to use a computer without a long wait. I am kind of lost as to what to write. I am thinking about how much time I have to pass before my next class starts and I am wondering what to do to make the time go faster. I saw one of my friends from high school today. I am happy that I finally saw a familiar face. Why is that light blinking on the CD-ROM door? I did not put a CD in the drive. I hope I doing this assignment right. I want a new day planner. I am tired of looking at that Nike symbol on mine. I want a leather one but my parents don't think I should $50 for a day planner, so oh well there goes that. I need to paint my fingernails. They are so plain looking. I think I might paint them tonight, oh no I can't. I have precal homework to do. I need go and have them painted and maybe I can treat my mom also. She needs to pamper herself. This chair is quite comfortable. I like how the back gives in when you lean back. I need this for my computer at home. There are a lot of Dell computer boxes in the corner of this room. I wonder how many are there. I wonder if the MTV music awards are going to be good tonight. I missed the awards last year. I don't even who won. I hope its not raining right now or when I am ready to leave. My hair will frizz so bad and I'll have to blow-dry it out to make it smooth again. I wish I could where my hair naturally curly but its just too frizzy. My niece has the best hair and her mother doesn't take care of it. What are doors to side of this room for? Where do they lead? My hands are cold. My feet are cold, too. I wonder if this shirt makes me look fat. The stripes are going horizontal. I need to start back to exercising like I used to. That boy is kinda cute who just walked by. My finger are really cold. The air conditioning must be up pretty high in here. I am always colder than most people. Maybe I have small blood vessels in my hands and feet or something. I just can't get over how Princess Diana died. She seemed to be such nice person. What is this black cord wrapped around the bottom of the monitor? What is it used for? I am sleepy and I have another class to go to today. I hope I perk up. I 'e never seen a window button on a computer before but then I've never used a Dell computer before either. How wide are the margins on this sheet. I'm try to keep my typing neat. I always like things to be neat and organized. My mind is blank again. I wonder what my mom is cooking today if she is cooking. My back is itching. I just realized that my legs are sore from that walking I did yesterday from the Robert L. Moore Building all the way to Calhoun hall in the six pack. My legs shouldn't be sore. I was a cheerleader in junior high and high school. My pen is coming out of my day planner. I never really fit right anyway. My day planner is kind of different. maybe I don't need another one. Maybe I've been around my parents too long, but then my mom is my best friend. I tell her everything since I don't have a sister. My brother hasn't taken me to the movies in a long time. I wonder how he and his wife are doing. How do leave this computer lab. I guess the same way I got in. My handwriting is terrible. I hate having to write checks or sign my name. I just can't make my handwriting flow like some peoples. I think I drank too much sprite. All that ice might be making my hands and feet cold. I need to go and warm up. This air conditioning is really chilling me. I should paint my nails red like I have my toes. I need to go read for my Ancient Greek class. I haven't read the Odyssey since the ninth grade. Maybe I will understand it better this time. I only remember the Cyclops. My hands are too cold. I need to warm up a bit.

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Okay, I just started writing or well I guess typing. I am still kind of emotionless because I just woke up. You know how when you first wake up and you just need to go to the bathroom but after that you don't know what to do. I'm not hungry or thirsty or anything. I am kind of cold though, because the fan is right over my head. I have a pretty good feeling because I got to this page alot easier than I thought I would. Right now the only thing I really think about is a situation I am in. I am dating this guy and he's really great, but he keeps asking where our relationship is going and I don't really know. The big problem is that this guy I dated off and on for over a year is about to be transferred (he's in the Army) to Kaline which is pretty close to here and he calls and writes but never asks if I am seeing anyone new. I don't know if this is because he doesn't care and just wants to be friends or if he just assumes that I am waiting for him. Knowing him he will probably expect me to drop anyone I happen to be involved with as soon as he moves down here. This is something I normally would not mind doing, but I really like this guy I am dating so I don't know what to do. My bathroom is making the weirdest noise right now. I probably need to have that checked out. I am having to shift positions right now because I am not very comfortable and my neck is starting to hurt. Now my nose itches so I have to rub it. My room is a huge mess because they just set up my computer and won't let me throw away any of the boxes so they are piled up in my room until I have the chance to take them home. My hands are starting to shake a little so I must be getting hungry. My roommate should be getting back from class pretty soon and maybe she will make me something to eat. I kind of don't like it when she is in the kitchen though because she tends to make a pretty large mess and it tends to take her a few days to clean it up. You can't really say anything to her because she gets real defensive and it starts a fight. I really miss my cat, Black Jack, I have had her since I was two and she is BEAUTIFUL!!! I think my twenty minutes are about up and I am really hungry, so I'm going to end this. BYE!!

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Ouch, that hurts. Damn, damn, damn. I really don't care much for playing Doogie Howser as a homework assignment. My understanding is that I get to talk about anything I feel like. Well, today I feel like talking about the absence of love. I've never, and I never will. I know this because I know myself; I've been acquainted with myself for the past 18 years. But, you know what? Love doesn't come easily to someone who's never been given the chance to cry over another. And disappointment rides high among those who look toward the intangible as an archetype. And perhaps, love may not be recognized by one who stages the downfalls and disappointments by crowning the archetype. And what becomes of these kings? They assure an even greater upset. My hell! Who knew they'd turn out to be. human-of all things? They've been raised by nourishing mothers who want to keep the cycle from breaking down. It's a revenge thing. What's revenge if our elders can't play? And don't think the players of the game don't know. They all do. In fact, they're the unpolished beads hung through a thin thread patiently awaiting the cut that shatters all they hold. The dirty bastards don't mean it on the surface, but somewhere inside, not too deep, they feed off of this perverse pleasure. These prowling demons inside sense it. They know it and follow it by every word that falls from your mouth. They know it by every action pouring out of your senseless heart. But, wait, hold on. There is a simple solution to this problem. Find that beating cacophony that wakes you in the midst of terror, and do the smart thing all women should have accomplished by the age of 10. Rip it out, spit on it, and flush it down that damn toilet. Praise God for victory! No more heartbreaks, no more suicidal tendencies (so I've heard), no more anything. Anything. Anything. I guess, I wouldn't know. Coming from one who's never been within a foot of love, it may seem an improper thing to do. But for those who have ridden on this vanishing wave, I'm sure the former action seems more than appropriate. However, and oh, I apologize so profusely for changing the tone so quickly-it loses audience, but I do have other things to do. um, however, if this route of throwing the heart is chosen, don't forget to wave goodbye to the emotions which allow one to cry, laugh, or even, yes, of all things-the sole feeling which gives you a natural high for days, the sole feeling that allows you to run around the world three times blindfolded on one leg without any replenishing substances-the feeling of love. Go ahead. Hypocrite would be a swell characteristic for this girl. But, must I ask, what is it that consumes two people who are in love? The look in their eyes, the energy radiating through their bodies? What is it that makes them. beautiful? All of the time. I've never felt a consistent beautiful for longer than two days. consecutively. My dear, patient friend, that's exactly how I know it must be this emotion that I've never felt. It must be love. That emotion not specifically defined by anyone.

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I'm feeling a little tired right now. I usually don't suffer from severe lack of sleep as I have this weekend. It's pretty interesting the way it affects my ability to concentrate. I feel like I don't read as well or communicate ideas as well. This is really a weird assignment but I feel like I would be taking the easy way out if I were to sit here and dwell on that for twenty minutes so here goes. Someone is tapping on a table or something in the next room. I hate it when people make a big ruckus doing something like that and then they can't even keep a beat. Something I think is interesting is the way people can become dependent on new technology in a matter of months. When my roommate and I first moved here to Austin we didn't have e-mail capabilities at first and I felt completely cut off from the outside world. I was so relieved when we were finally back online. I just figured out what that tapping was. It's my roommate playing electric bass but it's not plugged in so there isn't much pitch distinction. Like I always say: bass should be felt not heard. Speaking of my roommate, everyone has told me that it's a bad idea to live with a friend at college and I think they were right. It's not that I don't like the guy. It's just that his annoying traits got magnified tenfold as soon as we moved into a 15 foot by 8 foot room. Some friends came down from my hometown this weekend. Their visit made me realize that as soon as I left for college, everything changed. Most of my relationships with people have been faded a little by the move and I'm sure it's an ongoing process. There are a couple of people, however that I actually feel closer too and surprisingly they're not here in Austin with me. I'm still trying to understand that. I guess when you're separated from people by large distances, you kind of sort things out in your head and figure out who and what is important. It's like post traumatic prioritizing. Ok, I think I've said what needed (or didn't need) to be said.

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I’m sitting at the computer. I just got done working out. my arms and chest are sore. The pain is good though. I want to go out. I want to start playing golf again but it is too expensive golf is fun but I like to go out partying but its expensive my girlfriend is bothering me oh well I like it my friend is talking about a boat it makes it harder to write but it is ok because I’m using his computer I want to play lacrosse but it is very rough I don’t understand how they play but don’t hurt themselves badly ya know well anyway I feel like running oh not really it is weird how my mind says stupid things that make no sense I think I will go to the steamboat and watch those two girls play again this will be their last time to ever play like it is a monumental breakup or something but hey what if one of them becomes good maybe I will be able to say yo man I saw them play live. noway bro yea. cool They are pretty good I cant believe e I ever liked country music because it is all so fake I mean nobody writes there songs they don’t do anything but sing and look pretty especially the women. if you are ugly it is nearly impossible to be a country singer. unless you are Leann Rimes then you can tell every one that you are 14 and that’s ok because instead of the rednecks saying damn she’s got a nice ass I guess they could say she’s only 14 and that makes them happy. but if you think that ugly women is 14 you are sadly mistaken she’s back ok well I sure miss my Jim Roam I liked that show but it is on the air in Austin oh well Austin is cool anyway even if there is no damn parking. I miss the old days of just driving around town and then thinking to myself I go there and hey what do you know there is a parking spot or even a whole lot of parking spots. yea but then I would have to live in my boring ass town where there is nothing to do at all I mean take tonight for example I’m going to watch a band play in pearland I would be sleeping but here I’m going to start drinking a couple minutes in fact I will start drinking now oh no there is a man possessed by alcohol on the computer you must stop him he could easily kill some innocent family of 4 walking along and that would be very very unfortunate. ok whatever I’m crazy no not really so I am just about done here according to the little clock in the bottom of the screen in the bottom of the screen cool I’m going to party I quit bye

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Wow, I'm pretty tired right now it's been a heck of a weekend. staying up for Diana's funeral was pointless, but nevertheless interesting. I wonder if I'll have that kind of burial when I die. I think my grandfather should at least had a funeral twice that size. he was the second greatest man to ever walk on this earth besides Jesus Christ himself. I'm listening to the live dcTalk album right now and it rocks. There is no group of celebrities that I admire more than them. Their music has meaning. It isn't just the meaningless stuff about drugs, shooting somebody up, or scoring with someone. It is stuff that is relevant to our world and to our generation, not to mention it is the best musically sounding stuff out there. I wish more people knew about them. I know they would agree with me. the game this weekend surpassed my expectations. At first I thought it was going to be lame 'cause the crowd was soo dead, but as soon as we scored the crowd went wild and the atmosphere from then on was electric. UCLA will be a very tuff game next weekend. My parents are coming up for the game. Surprisingly I don't miss them all that much, although I do care about them a bunch. Maybe it's just because I'm soo busy with school I really hope that my edp paper is not that hard because I lack the motivation. I really wish my acne would go away. I believe life would be soo much better if it were gone. The confidence and social skills would be so easy and fun. I wouldn't be soo much of a hermit. I hope I can get my hair to grow out to the right length and get it colored they way I want to. I also hope that I can acquire the presence I am seeking as far as my appearance goes. It would really be awesome if we won a national championship this year and Ricky Williams won a Heisman Trophy or even James Brown( by the way I hope he is okay). Richard Walton did a great job backing up and filling in. Gee I hope I make it to class on time and I really hope my future girlfriend is there to ask me out.

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I wanted to write about something traumatic that happened to me because, apparently, traumatic experiences and how to deal with them is a pretty big fandango in this class. Something just happened, though, so I want to write about that and see where it takes me in the next nineteen minutes or so. The computer assistant in the theatre department (where I am right now, being a theatre major and all) just complimented me on my hat, a black fedora I bought in Greenwich Village about a year and a half ago. I was visiting for about a week over spring break and auditioning for the elusive Experimental Theatre wing of NYU's Tisch School of the Arts. After a fairly successful audition I concentrated all of my efforts of exploring, something I had done about seven or eight months earlier the first time I visited. This time I was alone, though. The time before I had my brother, eighteen months my junior and my closest friend, at my side and all was well. This time I had to w2ait a couple of days for his arrival, since he couldn't get off school and I could, being a senior and having a few excused absence "college days" on my hands. So I set out to explore and found a bar in the mob district of Little Italy that didn't ID and I found myself drunkenly wandering the streets of New York, stumbling upon Strawberry Fields in a haze and not realizing the significance until about a week later. After three days of being lost in my drugged little haze my brother joined me. When I picked him up at the airport I noticed that I had taken to thinking of myself as a New Yorker. I had adopted the city and there was a definite change in the way my brother and I related to each other. This changed over the next four days, though, as he assimilated into New York the way I had and we set out to Little Italy to begin our evenings with a little pasta, a Nat King Cole impersonator, a jug of white wine every night, and a restaurant owned by the mob. After taking in as much of the culture and the underbelly of the city we found ourselves down to our last (having just dropped twenty bucks on some Thai food that smelled like sewer filth). It was our second to last day in the city and we decided to thrift store shop and try to extend our dollars as far as they would go. Then we saw them. In a small shop in the Village (not that there aren't a billion of them) we both saw fedoras that just said "you". We ended up dropping our last fifty dollars on our new hats and had to pay for our ride to the airport ( a limo, surprisingly cheaper than a taxi because it had a set fare) with a handful of quarters. We hadn't eaten for two days and there wasn't a meal of any kind on the plane (not even peanuts) so we wound up in Houston on a two hour layover with nothing to do, empty stomachs, and no money. I ended up begging, trying to sell a stack of demo tapes I had cut for two bucks a pop. I ended up selling two, and we ate the best Taco Bell that has ever been eaten by a human. I remember that the only people who bought the tapes were other musicians. Maybe it's a karma thing ("Wow, that guy looks pathetic. Better buy his tape because that could be me someday. ") One way or the other they understood. I was upset just because my plan was to randomly hand out this stack of tapes to people as they departed for different corners of the country, hoping that they would like it and that underground distribution would abound. Maybe it worked: I still don't know. I know it was passed around quite a bit in south Texas, but not much further than that. Oh, well. By the by, I'm really tired right now because my band played a two hour show last night. We haven't played that long in about a year, since clubs usually limit you to an hour or less. We used to go two hours without even trying when we were playing for our friend's parties, but now we've gotten lazy. Last night really woke us up. I was so drenched in sweat that I actually had to wring out my shirt after the show. We didn't even get a decent crowd until the last thirty minutes or so. That's ok. Better things will come along soon enough. We play every Thursday at Black Cat, which has no cover and is all ages. For some reason, this alone does not attract a crowd. It's really upsetting. I know we're not a bad band, so it's really frustrating when you can't talk people out of disco dancing at Bob Popular to enjoy a free show that accepts all ages and doesn't involve a DJ. Someday. About that traumatic experience. About five months ago I was hit by a car while I was crossing the street into Trudy's off Guadalupe. It was late and I was wearing all black and the guy didn't see me. I was looking the other way because I saw the car that hit me but he seemed too far away to reach me. I was more concerned about cars coming from the other direction, which is a curving road that is hard to see down. When he hit me his fender shattered my leg and I was thrown onto his windshield. He didn't brake until then and the force of him braking as I hit the windshield sent me flying into the road about twenty feet out. I never lost consciousness and never really felt all that dazed or affected by it. I just calmly looked up, announced that my "fucking leg was broken" and asked one of my friends to call 911. Then I just lay down in the road waiting for the ambulance. It started to rain. That night I was taken to Brackenridge and left alone for about an hour at a time in the ER. Only one of my friends cam to visit me. She held my hand while they pieced my leg back together and set it into a cast. They had already pumped me with morphine and I heard them mumble about amputation a time or two, but eventually they settled on inserting a rod from my knee to my ankle. The morphine did nothing to me, though, because they gave it in light doses and after years of recreational drug use I wasn't really affected. That and the pain was coming from the one part of my body where intravenous drugs couldn't possibly go. I ended up just biting down on a folded-up blanket, not wanted my screams to disturb others in the ER. Over the next three days I was observed and recovered quicker than anyone imagined. My family came to be with me from San Antonio, except for my dad who was in Orlando on business. He wanted to rush to Austin to be with me but I didn't want him to see me tied up to machines and weak. I knew he couldn't handle it. After about a half hour of coaxing he stayed in Orlando. He hasn't had a drop of alcohol in twenty years after getting a kidney removed before I was born. That night he drank himself into submission. Slowly my friends from the theatre department began creeping in until I had a steady stream of visitors and a room full of flowers, candy, and porn (don't ask). The faculty came to make sure that I was alright, something I never would've expected, and one night my nurse ( a Mary Poppins sort of woman) turned my bed so that I could see the tower lit up in orange. I've never had school spirit or pride in any organization whatsoever, but for some reason I cried. For some reason I loved the sight of the tower at that moment. I've recovered completely. I was angry for a while and spent a lot of time screaming and damning anyone who could walk while I made my way around in a wheelchair. I marveled at the fact that, even when I was on crutches, nice families at the Arboretum would still pull their children closer and hold their purses tighter. I began to keep a journal, but by the time I had written five entries my anger was gone. My depression was gone. I couldn't even dwell of death, which I know I had cheated. I was just glad to be alive and to put it all behind me. Now I'm physically and emotionally recovered. I don't have nightmares and I don't fear cars. I don't know why. Maybe I'll learn that this semester. For some reason I recovered very nicely in all aspects from this whole awful little episode. The good thing is that I'm happy and sober now. I had attempted suicide twice this past year, once just two weeks before the accident. Then I was put in a situation where I didn't try and death actually came for me, and I fought to stay alive. That's always struck me as odd. Oh well. For whatever reason I am a happier, if quieter person. Things are good. I'm looking forward to psychological experiments this year. Now I'm off. I've written for about thirty minutes and I think it's time for a cigarette. Bye bye now.

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Today was a good day I enjoy life. I wish I was at home with my girlfriend. she is so pretty I am in love yet it is not here. I wish that she could be here to join me. Frat life is demanding yet it should be a good payoff in the near future I wish I could sleep I am so tired that it is hard to stay awake at times during the day I really enjoy this kind valentine assignment it lets me express my true feelings and thoughts with no real worries except that if it will arrive when it needs to. 20 minutes is a long time to write continuously but it really is neat to think off all the things that go on in my head. like home and vlentina. that is her name the lovely girl that I left back home when I came to college. I am scared that I will not do as well as I can I hope so I don’t want to let me dad down he is very important to me even though he is a bit scary at times. but that is how they are supposed to be right? oh well I hope my dog is doing ok I love her so my thoughts drift now into wanting to be on some other planet that is why I love astronomy. even thought it is kind confusing. but it is fun nonetheless I love to use the internet I think that it is so neat. I do however wish I could find a good use for it. all I ever do is waste time going from place to place not knowing where I am going. kinda like life we seem to wander from place to place and never seem to truly settle down at least that is the way things seem right now in a few years however I am sure that my opinion will change. I know that once I can complete college which is my number one goal above all else. then to have fun and party. I hope this week we will have a good party I know we will. we always have the best parties. and there are always girls there. yet I do wish that valentina could be there. even though she did start to bother me before I left. now it seems that we have gotten closer at the same time that we are apart. is she the girl for me? I do not know and whish that I did. it seems that way at times. yet then at other times she just bugs me to death an \d all I can think of is getting away from her. I never want to loose her though. I do really care for her. I am looking forward to seeing here soon on my birthday she will stay with me I hope. but I will probably not see her that much since I am so busy I guess I will just have to make the time to see her. I hope that she loves me I really do. I miss my parents and my old room. my room i\ here is great and I have fun with my roommates all of whom are from my home in fort worth. so we get along well not like some of the girls that came here boy they cant stand each other and we have only been here for 3 weeks. not even a full month. I cant believe I am writing this much I normally cannot write this much when working on a paper but now I can I guess I don’t really have to think about what I am writing just write it. I think that it is neat . wow that was a fast 20 minutes. I can't believe that it is over oh well I still have on more assignment to do.

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I hope I can finish this assignment in time because I am really stressed right now. I have a lot of stuff to do. I have to go to eat dinner at the house in a little bit and then I have to do my calculus homework. I don’t have time to sleep or anything I have been having fun but I am so tired and I think I am getting sick. I am definitely stressed out. I have to get up to go to the bathroom. I wonder if I have met the girl that I am going to marry in the past three weeks. all of this is just so overwhelming . I am in terrible shape and my body hurts all the time. I am hungry and tired and dirty, but I know that I will be okay once I can get organized and get on top of things. I need to talk to my family

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Stream of consciousness---I am not sure what to write at all everything in my head comes in little spurts of information. "Turn the radio on, turn the radio up, and this woman was singing my song, lover is crying cause the other won't stay. my stomach hurts and I have to go to the bathroom, I think I just saw Jacob Biddle Now that I have to think about something I can't. which is strange because usually I think too much about everything right now that song by Lisa Loeb keeps running through my head even though I really hate that song. I feel really bad for Princess Diana's kids. but I actually have that morbid curiosity to see the pictures of the accident scene and it makes me feel awful. do I have to work tomorrow? My bangs keep getting in my face---I should never have gotten them My roommate is bothering me right now. she always leaves hair on the bathroom sink and on the floor and it really disgusts me, especially in the morning when I am already in a bad mood, and sometimes she gets this real high moral attitude with me like she knows better and doesn't want to break the rules by painting the walls because Mr. Lay might get mad, yet she has all this pot in her closet What a hypocrite! I hope I make Texas Angels, although I have to admit that I thought the whole thing was really fake Okay, now really nothing is going through my head I wonder if the people next to me are looking at what I am writing, they better not, that is such an invasion of privacy, although I would look at theirs any day. there is this disk sitting right here and it is not mine but I want to use it because I didn't bring a disk so that I could check email but I don't even know whether or not it is formatted for a PC, that guy was really cute. I wish I was in Paris right now. wow these computers really filled up fast ---there is already a line to get on them oh well too bad for them. oh damn I forgot to go get that course packet for government, oh I need to call that New York Times number I think they changed the computer system here in the SMF because the setup is different, that guy reminds me of somebody but I can't think who, I wonder if I can check my email without a disk If that is Brian Patridge he sure got fat. I wonder if I need to bring my psychology book today, but I don't think I have time to walk all the way home and then walk back, I will just share with Tina I need to check on my stocks, maybe they have finally earned me some money, and I need to get my portfolio going. I want my car back

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Yuck, what a cruddy day. I had to go to 4 hours of classes and then I had to wait 30 minutes for the freaking bus to pick us up. Then I had to stand up for most of the ride home. And it was really hot on the bus. Luckily today wasn't too hot outside though. I saw on the news that we are expecting some rain and cooler weather. That's good. I guess. I don't know about the rain part though. I hope I can find my umbrella. I hope I didn't lose it when I moved up here. I live in a really neat apartment now. I like it a lot. And my roommate is really nice too. I was kind of worried about that. I transferred here from A&M this semester. I like it here. But it's not really any different than in College Station. Just bigger. My classes aren't any harder so far. I hate calculus. I'm usually pretty good at math. I think it's also because my TA that teaches our discussion is horrible. He hardly speaks English and doesn't know what he's doing at all. Of course I don’t' really know what I'm doing at all either but. Wow 20 minutes is a long time. Lots of random stuff kind of floats through your head. Like the fact that I can see that I have email and I really want to check it. I just checked it before I started writing, I guess somebody wrote back. I wonder who. Probably Amy. Amy was supposed to transfer this year too and be my roommate but she forgot to send in her transcript. She's kind of spacey about stuff like that. But she's like the sweetest person I know. Actually I don't really know a lot of people here. That's kind of sad considering I knew practically everyone at my high school and I had a lot of friends at A&M. My roommate at A&M just rushed a sorority this year. Neither one of us rushed last year. I'm happy for her. I wonder if I should’ve rushed this year. Then I’d know more people. But my boyfriend goes to school here. But he doesn’t know that many people here either. The year just started so I guess I'll meet more people as it goes by. I need to go workout tonight. I haven't worked out really well in a few days. I feel much better and more relaxed after I work out. I'm still feeling kind of stressed after my gross day. I have a lot of homework to do and a lot of other things on my list. I always make lists. I wonder what that says about a persons personality. I'm really organized and like to plan things. Maybe that's part of it. Strange. I wanted to plan a trip to go tubing in San Marcos before school started but we never got around to it. I hate how my boyfriend makes fun of me and says that I never plan anything. I know he's just kidding, but it gets on my nerves. He just doesn't understand I guess. Wow I just got a weird flashback of high school. I was a cheerleader and I just thought of some performance we did. I wonder where that came from. My typing has gotten really good over the past year. I used to not be that great. I think all the emailing made me better. I wonder who that email is from? I haven't seen a lot of the people that I know here. I guess I should call them and get together. I feel like I don't have time though. I have to do homework, and work out and I need time to myself just to vege. Speaking of vegetables, I need to go to the grocery store too. I need vegetables, noodles, rice, chicken, cookies, hmm what else? Milk. I like milk, especially with my cereal. I need more cereal too. I always want to get pancake mix. yummy. only a few minutes left. That's good because my back-neck-shoulder is starting to hurt from sitting at this computer. I need to get a cable so I can hook up my printer. Not that I need it yet but I should get that taken care of. My mom said she is sending me a package with cookies and candy and my last paycheck from work (lifeguard)and other stuff. that is something to look forward to. I haven't gotten any mail lately. I paid my rent today. through January. I need to call my bank and have them transfer some money form my savings into my checking. or else we could have some problems. but my grandfather is the president of the bank and my aunt is the CEO so I don't think that they'd let me bounce a check. That's going to be a shock when I have to go out and get a real job and find a real bank. Time's up. Yea!

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I'm thinking of being tired. It's been a long weekend, Mama was a great lady. I loved Granny and Pap. Too bad I didn't attend the University of Kentucky. I could be there now. I love snow. My 1st snowman on the top of Pap's truck. Charles and Lori are on their walk. The dog was asleep the whole trip home because of, Labor day weekend, Canton was almost empty, I don't know my way around Austin. Round Rock High School. I'm so glad that my phone line is working now. 3-7 service days. I can't understand you lady. It's been 5 minutes. My hand is beginning to hurt. I heard winter is going to be harsh, burning trailer on the side of the freeway - WHATEVER - Missouri nurse was a bimbo that got in our way. Mom and Dad. Disney and Daisy dog. The Ranch - I haven't been there in a while. I still need some books. AHHHHHH. I need a job because I'm about to run out of money. It's been ten whole minutes. I'm 1/2 done. Kevin, "I love you!" come home in Sept. My b-bay. Friday the 13th next year. I hate horror movies, Freddy Crugar under the blanket, Jennifer is a *****. My mouse pad is ugly. teddy bear computer as a graduation present. WHATEVER - I need a CD rack PMS curtain san finally be finished. GOD. green light is on the computer, annoying. I wonder what everyone else thinks about when they write this. paper 1st is definitely better KEYS. Ohh-la-la, Sexy!! Why is there a screwdriver on my desk? I don't even own Only 5 minutes! I see you. I think Mars is what did you say? Where did that turn the page over. I'm done with that side. A hole in the paper, spiral. crystal clock, I hope pimples on my chin I say a car down the driveway. NO-I need to pictures are taken all day long. Keyhole. Paper is almost running out. Write smaller. OK? Orange is not a good color. Wish there was another sometime. Oh, I'm almost done the clock says 9:42 PM. on labor day. School tomorrow. BYE-BYE!!!

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I finally got into this thing. that took forever. I hate asking questions so it took even longer. I think people are always thinking weird things about me, which I know is bad , but I always do. the good thing is that everyone I've come in contact here has been really helpful. I really cant wait for this weekend. the weeks are so long. I haven’t made any new friends here. I have a lot friends that came with me from high school to UT and to other schools in San Antonio. I see them every weekend. I’m being really antisocial right now. the thing is that the friends I have are really close to me, and they know everything there is to know about me, and vice versa. I spent the last two years of my life with them, it may not seem like a lot but it was two very important years of my life. I feel really comfortable around them. I m not good at meeting people so I cant imagine being at the same level of friendship with other people especially in college where everyone just does their own thing. so I look forward to every weekend. people around me probably think I’m weird sitting here just typing continuously. I’m sure, actually I’m almost positive there are weirder people here. id really like to finish this already, but I just looked at the clock and I still have time left. I’m going home, back to El Paso next Friday. its going to be strange. I never expected to go back so soon. I was with this girl for about 5 months before I left, and it was really serious. we talked about spending the rest of our lives together. she was supposed to move here, but she had issues and commitments that were obviously more important. She cane to visit last month for about 3 weeks before school started. we got in a big fight and she left on really bad terms. it was my fault, but I couldn’t have her leave on good terms or it would have hurt more. so I acted like a jerk and we fought the last week and a half she was here constantly. Anyway I’m really afraid of running into her, because ill be there for a whole weekend and we hang out a t the same places. I think its really funny how a lot of people here think El Paso is so small. its as big as Austin, and no one knows it. ki heard someone say that they though it only had one high school. it actually has 30-40. oh well it rally doesn’t matter, I’m glad I’m here now. I really like it, I cant believe I’m in college and actually grown up and that I actually have real responsibilities. but I very lonely. I miss her so much, and she wants to try the whole long distance relationship thing, but I cant. I really loved her. I've never been so close to anybody in my life, and after everything we shared and as close as we were, it seems like ill never experience that again with anybody. and if I do finally find someone and then we break up I have to go through this whole pain thing again. I know its normal to feel like this, I just moved away from a city I've lived in for 18 years and I just broke up with someone I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with, but its all a little overwhelming. the thing that bothers me the most is that all this takes up too many of my thoughts, and it takes away from what I really should be concentrating on. I really want to do well here at UT, I have a lot to prove to a lot of people. I’m sick of always having this sob story attached to my life. I went to an all boys private school that was small compared to other high school, my graduating class was about 150. everyone knew that I moved out of my house and how I had trouble with my mom, and everyone feel sorry for me, and I’m sick of this whole drama thing, my life is so full of drama. I went over by a few minutes I guess that’s all

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I have never used Julie's computer before. It's kind of weird. I don't like the font being used on this computer. I wish there was a way I could change it. I am also very irritated that I am still on the same line that I started on. Maybe if I press enter it will start a new line. There you go. Much better. I am kind of tempted to use this fan connected on the desk here, even though I am not hot. I just feel like using it. Alison is funny. We keep writing each other email even though we could be sitting right next to each other. Carrie is coming to visit tomorrow. I am so excited. Chris said that he might come the next weekend. I am in love with Chris. He has no idea though. I wish I could tell him, but I know that he does not feel the same way. He is always talking about how picky he is. I am certainly not his type. God I wish I was. I told him that one day I would be perfect for him. Sigh. I can't wait to see him. I keep thinking of my exboyfriend. He has to be the biggest jerk known to man. The problem is that I don't think of the bad stuff, only the good. Ok, this is driving me crazy. I don't know how this page has been arranged, but I don't like it . ARGH! Someone just died in Carries dorm last night. It sounds horrible. I would be so scared if someone down the hall from me was killed. I've got ten minutes to go. I can dig it. I don't really like Amber. She gross. Smokes too much. I don't smoke that often. Julie just found one of Jason's hidden cigs. It was funny. He was all saying, I've never seen that before. He's cute. Today's his birthday. I haven't gotten him a present yet, although I know what I'm gonna get him. I'm sleepy. I almost feel asleep in biology. Someone did and Billie put the spotlight on them. I wonder what someone reading this would be thinking right now. Who the hell is Billie probably. That would be an interesting job. Reading all the submissions. People's minds are fascinating. I wish I c could read people's minds. Thoughts are cool. You know most of the time people are really thinking about sex or something else taboo. Actually, I don’t really know if that's true, but I've read statistics. I don't think about sex all the time, but I do often remember kisses, or picture myself kissing someone. I hope that's normal. Kissing is so romantic. It can mean so much. How depressing it is to not have someone to kiss. I often feel sorry for myself. I don't think that's wrong. My sister just walked in. I was kind of worried that she would see what I was writing. Is that wrong, to be writing about kissing. It is kind of personal. I'm thinking about dogs now. They are so cute. I really love baby animals. I can't wait to live in an apartment or house where I can own a mutt. I'd like to own a dog with Chris someday. I think it would scare him if he knew how much I thought about him. I don't know if I really am in love with him, but I often think I am. If only I could be forty pounds lighter. I had planned on losing five pounds a month. I haven't checked since moving to Austin. I don't think I’ve lost any weight though. I tend to eat a lot of cafeteria food. We are going out to dinner to night. I need to ask Julie if she has a scale so that I can weigh myself. I wasn't to sure I wanted to go. It's with J and J and friends I don't know. I hope I get along well with everyone. I wonder if my train of thought that I'm typing is a good representation of how I really think. Wow, I've written for 24 minutes now. Those last ten minutes flew by. My hand hurts now so I guess I'll stop. I feel as though I should thank you for listening. Thanks

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