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reddit_tifu

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warning, wall of text. i work at a mcdiabeetus. and we sell sweet tea, any size for a dollar, this being 'murica, it sells like crazy (especially the large sized), especially after april. the tank in the lobby ran out of sweet tea so i was tasked with putting sweet tea in said tank. i do the routine, take the tank behind the counter and set it down. then i'm supposed to take a bucket and put the sweet tea in that bucket into said tank. this is where it went to hell. the bucket slipped out of my hand and sweet tea and ice went everywhere. after the shock of what happened, i took to cleaning it up (an hour os my life i will never get back. i'm cleaning and laughing/crying over my idiocy, while everyone just laughs. i then have to move a cart out of the way to clean under there too (it will become relevant shortly). i begin deck scrubbing that area and then go to get more water. suddenly the water won't come and i was stuck using nasty water. the back sink also stopped working and the toilets wouldn't flush and anything using water just shutdown (including the soda machines). we couldn't sell soda, wash dishes and the bathrooms were put out of order too. we were worried it was something majorly serious. the store manager was called and the police department was called. they dispatched the water department and the problem was found quickly. turns out someone had shutoff the main water valve, shutting off water to everything. he showed how it could have been done, and i was the only culprit. the hispanics in the kitchen all said "genius, you no bueno." i was dubbed the walking disaster

i dropped a bucket of sweet tea and when cleaning it up, moved something turning off the water valve, shutting down water to the whole store.

spilling sweet tea everywhere and shutting off the main water valve.

so to start off, i am a medical cannabis patient. and because i cannot smoke by my house because my grandparents would kill me, i find time to smoke a half a mile from my house. so here i am driving along smoking a blunt, enjoying myself after a long day at work, when i decide i am finished. so i start rolling the cherry out my window. little did i know it was hella windy and being in a moving car didn't help. so instead of my cherry blowing out the window, it blew right back in my face, my eye to be exact. still moving, i start swatting my face, and than i realized the cherry flew into my passenger side foot well and hit some paper that i had down there, and what do you know, it caught fire. so i pulled over and spent 5 minutes stomping out a small fire in my car. edit: i'm a girl. i was getting tired of being referred to as *he*

smoked a blunt while driving home, tried to put it out, started a small fire in my car. i am a dumb ass.

smoking on a windy day

more like "two years ago i fucked up", in this case. my high school was putting on a musical and i was on the crew because i wanted to participate, but don't like to sing in front of people. my job was to open and close the curtains at the appropriate times. easy enough, and i became close friends with all the cast members. for the entire play, i sat at a small chair just behind the fully closed curtain. behind me was the backstage room with the costume rack, sinks and mirrors, and some old lockers. it was opening night. the show was starting in twenty minutes and the school gym was already full of people. no one was supposed to go out from behind the curtain at this point. i don't know if it was nerves or what, but my stomach started rumbling and i had to shit. i had to shit so, so badly. i managed to hold it in for fifteen more minutes, but when everyone was preoccupied with mic checks and lighting checks and makeup, i was sitting uncomfortably in my chair, feeling like i was going to explode. i couldn't even sit properly, instead having to sit with my ass about an inch off the seat. i knew i had to go before it was time to open the curtain for the beginning of the show. the only person not occupied was the male lead. i managed to stammer out (intimidated because he was a senior) "is there a bathroom anywhere back here?" wordlessly, he pointed to what i had thought was a supply closet. it *was* the size of a supply closet, and i felt like i was getting stared down by the filthy toilet brush in the corner, but it was a toilet. i released fury from my bowels and felt sweet, sweet relief. then i got up, wiped and flushed. i sat triumphantly back in my chair and opened the curtain. after the first two or three songs, the director of the play, a teacher, came up to me and took me into the backstage room to go through some materials i would pass out at intermission and extra microphone tape. he saw me glancing at the bathroom and said, "don't use that toilet, it doesn't flush right." puzzled, i said, "yeah, someone told me that" because i was suddenly overcome with shame and didn't want him to know i'd used the filthy corner toilet. the play went flawlessly until intermission. i was sitting, back against the wall, with some other girls when the director stormed out. "who the hell used the toilet?" he said. i'd never seen him so angry. everyone started sniggering as he repeated, "who did it? i told you all it's broken!" like a wave almost, everyone got up and ran for the bathroom. i heard laughter and then someone shrieked...there was a single turd, floating in a puddle of brown shit water in the middle of the toilet. i stood there shamefully, staring at it. as i left the bathroom, i caught the male lead's eye and had no words for the expression on his face.

i managed to screw up by not shitting myself.**

pooping in a toilet

oh. my. god. this is fucking awful. so brief background: i've been on adderall for a while, right? well the loveliest of side effects is that it makes your shit set up camp and just chill in your intestines. technically you could say "yesterday i fucked up", but it is today that i am reaping the repercussions of my actions. so basically i hadn't pooped in almost a week. bad news bears, i thought. so around 2pm i decided to take a single extra-strength laxative to kick down the doors and do some spring cleaning. no biggie. i do this sometimes. it usually results in a leisurely 30 minute session of poop just easily coming out of me like frozen yogurt. naturally, later, i got hungry for dinner. being the laziest fucking hambeast there is, i reached for something quick, disregarding my decision earlier. what i grabbed was my industrial size box of fiber one bars, you know the kind you can get at bulk stores and could probably sustain a third world country for a day. so i sat myself down at my desk and resumed doing some college shit. i had my delicious fiber one bars, of which i thought would be a good thing if i brought the entire box with me, and my glass of chocolate milk. now i'm lactose intolerant, but it's usually ok if i just drink a glass and be careful about what i eat the rest of the day. being the dumb fuck that i am and not connecting all of these things, i lost track of all time and things and before i knew it i had downed 10 of those fuckers and my full glass of milk. ain't no thang, right? wrong. by 10 pm the gurgles started. i just thought nothing of it and continued working. then the farts came like the fucking valkyrie. at first it was just one whisper-thin fart every 15 minutes or so. soon, it escalated to some sort of anal rapture. my asshole was playing the 1812 overture in f minor. i swear to god i think i ripped my sphincter. i went to bed around 5am and actually managed to fall asleep. at roughly 6 am i was jostled awake by a fierce noise that i couldn't pinpoint the origin of. then it happened. the farts had gotten worse and now sounded like chewbacca deepthroating a burrito. it was terrible. my entire abdomen was cramping. then the smell. it crawled through the air, something like a unique septic odor, like shit mixed with dead and decaying animals. this lasted for a few more hours. every two minutes i'd cramp up, then release the tension in the form of severe anal rot. 10:30 comes around and around that time i was going to take another rip when i realized there was something sinister behind it. i am not athletic, but i may as well been bred with kenyans because i fucking usain bolted it to the toilet. taking my place, the next thing i heard was a slight noise piercing the air, somewhat of a high pitched squeak, then immediately followed by the most low and rumbling thunderous sound. then the shit of a lifetime. the kind of shit that makes people stop believing in god. it was like i gave birth via my rectum. so now it's almost noon and i'm sitting on the toilet typing this on my phone between anal hiccups from hell, since between that first gastric giant breaking the seal and now, it's been like my asshole is just puking water. i'm hunched over from the pressure of gas on my insides. it feels like that thing from alien is trying to claw its way out of my stomach and its screams are escaping by means of fart. i am a dumb bitch. edit: [/u/shadekitty](http://www.reddit.com/user/shadekitty) decided to [narrate](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/the-poop-delusion) my shitty situation. hilarious. edit 2: thank you, random user, for the reddit gold. it does my heart good to know you were so amused by the blunderings surrounding my anal apocalypse. my next shit storm will be in your honor. edit 3: the next day... omfg i am in so much pain. it's like all my insides are in a vice. i feel like i'm trying to pass a fucking monolith.

if i die tonight there's an 80% chance it's due to something shit related.

being a dumb shit and overloading on poop facilitators

about a year ago i was a part of the stage construction/ stage crew for my schools fall play. during the play the people in stage crew could stay there or go home. i was gonna go home, but then the director said i would need to fill in for some missing actors. right here is where it fucks up. i have a female friend i have always kinda had a crush on, well i was sitting against a wall talking to some of the other guys in stage crew. well she comes over and lays her head on my thigh, which i kinda got aroused from her doing that, and then her cue came up for her to get on stage. so she left, she came back about 5 minutes later and laid her head on my thigh again. she unzipped her sweatshirt a little bit and i could see her cleavage slightly, which got me even more aroused. she left again and came back, and did the same thing. this time she was fixing her hair and she set her hair tie on my leg, when she needed her hair tie again she started feeling around for it, her hand went up, and up, and up, then she touched my dick. and i came. as soon as she touched it. she knew she touched my dick, but i don't think she knew i got off from it. i left as soon as i could after that.

i had a crush on a girl, she touched my dick through my jeans on accident and i ejaculated.

going to play practice

tifu while playing league of legends when one of a friend (whom i happen to have a huge crush on)'s friends started saying that he liked her. i flipped my shit, caused a scene, and more than likely lost a good friend because of it. so far, she's blocked me on skype and facebook and unfriended me on lol. **update:** she unblocked me, we're talking now. apparently the other guy in this story freaked her out, and now i'm somehow the good guy in this.

flipped a shit when i found out likes the same girl i do. pissed her off and won't see her again for a bit.

having envy

so i went to see my grandparents with my mom at a resort-like retirement villa. it was a wonderful place with lots of beautiful scenery and activities for the seniors to do with visiting relatives. we ordered our food at the restaurant there and started catching up on things. while dining on some not-so-well cooked shrimp scampi, my grandfather (who is developing alzheimer's) asks a question. "bet you've never seen so many old people in one place" instead of just saying "no", my brain immediately responds with something you don't say around seniors. especially at the volume i decided to use. "well, i live near a cemetery and old people are pretty common there" followed by a long, awkward silence from all 4 of us. my 80-something year old grandparents acting like nothing happened, my mom staring at me, disgusted, and me just staring stupidly at the way my napkin matches the tablecloth.

i mentioned a cemetery around my grandparents instead of just shutting my mouth like i should've.

answering a rhetorical question from my grandpa

i ran track in high school and run with friends as a recreational activity. i'll get right to the point. there's this cemetery that my friends both love and loathe. it's not your ordinary cemetery; it's huge and hilly with various ponds and such scattered. it's a very tiring route to run through, and i have only seen other people there once. my running group consists of the short term runners, who are really far behind every run, and the long term runners, who are always in the front. i'm about in the middle, so during this run i end up by myself for a bit. the cheap exerciser i am, i decide to run off the path and cut through the cemetery to save time and effort. i'm running through thick grass where the tombstones are when suddenly, i drop around 5 feet; i had just fallen in what i believe to be an open grave. it was pretty big and my ankles were decimated by the landing. my initial reaction was i had just fallen on a corpse, but i knew that was not the case. i lifted myself out of the grave and limped for a bit until my friends in back caught up and i told them what happened. i eventually was able to run the 4 miles back with the adrenaline, but when it settled, my legs killed.

decided to take a shortcut during my jog in a cemetery and fell in an open grave.

falling in an open grave

i just want to vent. i don't care if anybody reads this, and i haven't told anybody because i don't want to burden them with my emotional bs. i don't care if she ever sees this. she'll know it's her, but it won't matter; she still won't talk to me. neither will any of her friends. they think i'm scum. which is a pretty accurate description. my ego seems to be my most damning enemy. i met her in the navy; we were on the same ship, in the same division. she is gorgeous, fun, smart, level-headed, a real rare breed, which explains why she always had a boyfriend. we were friends, and she was flirty with me, but i just told myself that was her personality. i wanted to date her, but i never knew until too late that she had broken up with her previous boyfriend. this went on for roughly 5 1/2 years. she got out of the military and moved 3 hours away, but our friendship grew closer. i started making excuses just to see her. we were really flirty with each other, so i kissed her. it was amazing! the best thing i had done to date! i was a 26 year old who never had a serious girlfriend, but i got girls on a frequent basis, but this kiss topped everything! we spent the night together, and i asked her to date me, but she said she couldn't, that she was still getting over her previous boyfriend of two years, but i persisted over the next couple of months, and she finally agreed. so begins the first of my f ups, in a long, drawn out series of them. i should have let her heal and recuperate, but that's not what i wanted. i told myself that i could make it better. my ego so sayeth. we went on our first date the day after i got out of the navy, and she loved it! she said it was still the best date she'd ever been on the last time i talked to her, and it showed. she was glowing and beaming! a non-stop smile the entire evening! and that's how she made it the best date i've ever been on: to this day i can't remember if she walked at all that night. i only have recollections of her floating, which isn't the first time this has happened. the first time i saw her after my last deployment, she floated into the room with a flowing white summer dress and red lipstick. in my mind, she's always floating, while smiling and laughing. and the times when i woke up next to her, with the sunlight casting a halo around her, she would wake up and comment about her hair being whacky, but i never saw anything more beautiful than in those moments. she would then get ready for school or work and come downstairs, which turned out to be my daily fashion show, were it played out like the scene in every teenage prom movie, and in my mind she slowly walked down the stairs and lit up my whole world. these were the best days of my life, but i mistakenly never told her. after that, it was a steady downhill slide. i got out of the navy early with two weeks notice, which didn't give me any time to look for a job. i was collecting unemployment, but it was barely enough to cover the mortgage on my un-rented house, let alone all of the other bills i had. i was living off of my credit card, and worried that i was going to lose my house. i went back and forth from my place, trying to get it ready to rent out, to her, trying to keep this fledgling relationship afloat, and my parents' place, 4 hours away from her, 7 from my house, trying to mooch off of them to save money. on top of all of this, i was steadily getting rejected after job interviews, sliding me further and further into a funk. i was depressed, my ego didn't think it was possible for these jobs to not want me. and this girl made me want to be the best i could be, so that i could be the best for her, but my unemployment status was preventing this. i knew i could be better for her, but while lamenting, i was not a good boyfriend. after all of this, she thought it was best that we break up. i agreed, being that it wasn't a great time for either of us, and we mutually parted as friends. we kept in contact for a couple of months, until i took her out for her birthday, when the majority of my monumental f ups take place. we went to an '80's dance party with a bunch of her friends, where she was showing me the classic signs of attraction: touching, paying specific attention to me, but i thought nothing of it. the last sure thing she said relationship related to me was that she thought i was great, but that she was happy being alone. she made it clear and obvious that night that she was attracted to me, but i was too thick-headed to get it. we spent that next couple of weeks hanging out, and she would show me all of the obvious signs, but i would either brush them off or not realize it until later, sometimes right after we parted. this is where my ego takes control and ruins it: i convince myself that i'm just confused by her, and that if she wants me to ask her out, she has to say something. make no mistake, this is solely my ego and arrogance licking its' wounds and demanding to be soothed, pacified and satiated. i recognized the signs, but ignored them, for this stupid reason. she then moved into a new apartment, and invites me to her housewarming party. while there, she showers me with attention, ignores other guys and often shrugs them off for me, but this isn't good enough for me and my ego. oh, no, we want retribution! i even literally pushed her away from me at one point, but this sweet thing shrugs that off and comes right back to me. it seems to me like everything is finally falling into place, but it never does. she never gives my ego the satisfaction it craves, and i sleep alone that night. the next couple of months go by, and our interactions slowly decrease. i'm sure she's hurt by the constant rejection i'm dishing out, as a girl of this caliber should never be. however, my ego's cravings for satisfaction seem to become almost manic. she's not appeasing it, so i look for other outlets, mostly girls picked up at a bar somewhere. this gives me a false sense of entitlement, almost, or that i could get any girl i wanted, and that it was just a matter of time before she gave me what i wanted. she then invites me to her friends' birthday party, an '80's prom themed dance party. i was named prom king. i only mention this because at first it seemed trivial, but i now realize that it just furthered my opinion of myself, and that i was going to get what i wanted, but nothing was further from the truth. at this party, she is ignoring me, and is all over someone else. i couldn't comprehend this. i was distraught, to say the least. other girls at the party showed interest in me, but to me there was only one, and she couldn't care less for me. after a night of drinking, she goes to her room to pass out. i still care deeply for her, being that she's the first girl i ever had, so i went to find out if she was ok. i woke her up, asked her is she wanted some water, at which point her new guy is there, and he gives it to her. her room mate shows up, then she passes out and we leave. we wake up the next morning, and i go to sit by her bed, but she again passes out and i leave. at the time, neither of these incidents seemed to be a big deal, but they would come back to haunt me a week later. i go up to my parents' for a week, and the whole time i'm wondering what had happened, when it dawned on me that it was my ego that was driving me to hurt this beautiful lilly of a girl, and that i should just suck it up and ask her out, despite the most recent events. i was even talking and joking with her for a week, and we made plans to hang out when i returned. when i got into town, she wouldn't return my texts or answer my calls. i didn't consider this a big deal, and tried calling and texting her over the next couple of days, all met with the same response. i didn't hear from her until she sent me a text saying that some one had told her i was watching her sleep at the party and that we couldn't hang out anymore! and that's the last time i heard from her. at first i was upset that i lost my chance with her, but then i realized that even though she is a rare breed, if she's one in a million, there are 35 of them in california, and that if i could attract a girl like that once, i could most certainly do it again. the one time my ego is helpful, and possibly right. but i was still hurt that she wouldn't allow me a confrontation, an explanation or defense. i wasn't angry, i just wanted to know what was going on, and i didn't want to start a fight, nor cause a rift between any friends. i just wanted to know if it was true, being that i was drinking, the mere mention of it makes it a possibility, and how convicted her and her friends have been. it didn't take me long to realize that this was again my ego, wanting to know why she accused me and believed that i could do something like that! but some simple objective reasoning answered that: she had to. i forced her hand and made her. why would she choose me, the egotistical, arrogant asshole who toyed with her emotions for months, over anybody that could have said that? she couldn't. it's my idea that there is no such thing as truth; that truth is just bent to the will of popular opinion. her truth, what she chooses to believe, because it is a choice, is that i did that, and that i'm a creepy douche. and that is all that matters. i don't believe that it happened, but that's what i choose to believe, which might be controlled by my ego again. however, i am so glad to have met a person like that in my life, and that she introduced me to the wonders of the opposite sex, and the wonders that a relationship can do for me. and i'm so glad for each new day, which is a second chance to live better than you did the previous. 1st edit: i apologize for the lack of spacing, it was there in the draft, and this is my first post of this nature. as for the lack of tl;dr, as i said, i don't care if anybody reads this, i'm just venting. i've never told anybody this, and just writing it out has helped me tremendously, but here:

i'm an egotistical, arrogant douche who ruined my chance with a wonderful girl, but worse, i may have hurt her, and deserve everything that i get coming from her.

the most amazing girl

this happened a few nights ago, and i'm still trying to recuperate. so my friends and i had been planning this night several weeks prior and we were all really looking forward to it. but this night meant something more to me; the girl i've been interested in was coming and that was going to be the time for me to see if the feelings were mutual. i'll call her a. fast forward to about 6:30, 1 and a half hours before the ballroom opens. i'm at tacobell, eating more food than i should with a friend who's coming with me to the dancing. afterwards we head back to my place, hang out for a bit, and then get dressed for the night. right as i put on my slacks i know something is wrong. i haven't worn these in the longest time, and they completely constrict my lower intestine. i hear my gut gurgle, but despite my better judgement, i ignore it. fast forward, i'm at the ballroom and having a fun time, and it is packed with people. having nothing in my bowels act up except for the slight discomfort of tight slacks, i decide it's now or never, and i go walk up to a. i ask her to dance and she gladly obliges. i've gone swing dancing before, so i begin to impress her with some of the dance moves i know. i then go to show her my favorite move, the pretzel, which includes some twisting of the arms and body plus a dip at the end i like to include. well, me being in the heat of the moment, i forget how tight the slacks are above my waist and i dip her. the dip then causes me to lean forward, causing the tight slacks to push immensely onto my lower intestine, causing 4 grande burritos worth of slimy shit to seep out my of ass and down my legs. at this point i froze, still holding a in dipped position. she can tell something is wrong and asked "powerpython, what happened?" without thinking i drop her and quickly shuffle out of the ball room, leaving a trail of wet shit behind me. i hear her retch loudly over the music playing. i just drove home. i heard from my friends that they had to stop the dance and clean it up. i'll never know if the feelings were mutual.

i ate a lot of tacobell, and ended up shitting myself while dancing with a girl i like.

eating tacobell before swing dancing

i was sitting across the room from my husband, both of us playing on around on our phones, when i decided it would be a good idea to send him a naughty photo i took for him. i was feeling a little frisky, so i immediately opened up my text message icon and inserted the photo and sent the photo. i closed the screen and suddenly realized that the last person i texted was my very religious mother instead of my husband. i panicked! i started turning bright red and pacing back and forth in the living room trying to figure out how to undo the text. i sent her a text that read "please delete that, it was meant for [husband]." i explained to my husband what i did and he took my phone from me. thank goodness for 3g because the picture hadn't sent yet, so he turned the phone into airplane mode and then deleted the pending text. my mother texted me back about an hour later and asked me what she needed to delete. my husband still gave me some because he thought it was hilarious that i was trying to turn him on and accidentally sent it to my mom.

i sent the naughty picture to my mother instead of husband, still got laid.

almost sending a very naughty photo to my mother via text.

beforehand, as a non native speaker i'm sorry for my poor english. corrections welcomed. back in december 2012, i had a shitty job that i was leaving. i already updated my résumé a few month earlier and showed it to my friends to check spelling, grammar & everything else. i was very confident that my résumé was perfect. when my contract actually ended, i just changed the dates of my last work experience : it was "september 2011 - now" and i changed "now" to january. i sent my pdf résumé to a lot of companies, and uploaded it to many job offers on different websites. and i know that europe is going through hard times, but i had even less feedback than i expected from them (and i didn't expect much). after some other events (family problems) i *finally* got an interview in a company recently. the guy ask me about my previous work experience. i tell him. he looks on my résumé he had printed and answers: "you said your contract ended in january 2013 ? on your résumé it is written january 2012..." only at this moment i realized that nobody ever checked my résumé after i changed the last dates, and even myself never really had a good look at it from this moment. i used the pdf file without opening it as an attachment in e-mails, or uploading it on websites. i was very confident that my friends checked every mistake, and of course the fact that i could screw up the fucking years on it never crossed my mind.

i have screwed up the dates on my résumé, so companies thought that i was unemployed for more than a year (instead of a few weeks) and i didn't notice for 3 months. i feel very stupid about it now.

my job applications

the thread below from /r/askreddit made me think of this story. it's over 3,000 comments deep, but i still wanted to share the wisdom we gained that day without it getting buried. i figured you guys would like this. **warning : it's a long one!** i'll break it into two parts, my fuck up, and the one the other guys did that made everyone forget about my drunken episode. this happened several years ago. my brother and i were at a large nerd convention (ya know, the ones where you can say "i need a storm trooper" and a dozen will come running?). we had been coming to this convention for about 3 years or so and were getting pretty comfortable with our routine. friday and saturday night was drunken werewolf night, and sunday was hangover and recovery day. for those of you know haven't played werewolf, think of the game heads up seven up from when you were in elementary school, then add werewolves and lynchmobs. villagers try to hang all the werewolves, and the werewolves try to eat all the villagers. the villagers usually just end up hanging each other. great game for former drama students. so on the saturday night, each of us grab a 6-pack and head down to the basement of the hotel where there is about 500 people playing various games. about 100 were playing werewolf, in about 5 different circles. we get social and start making friends with our booze. other people have booze, and we start trading. after a lot of crown royal and each of us downing a 6-pack, one of our new "friends" offers us some 'mystery booze.' he explained what it was - strega. apparently it's some italian thing with like 76 different ingredients. it tasted like mouthwash with a burning kick in the throat afterwards. i drank a couple shots, but my brother took a lot more. his reasoning was "well i traded one from my 6-pack, and so that was like $3 worth, so i deserve more!" i watched him chug at least 6 shots out of this thing, barely taking a breath. fast forward about 10 minutes. we're playing werewolf, and i can tell that i'm being waaaaaaaay too obnoxious, and everyone wishes that i would leave. except for the guy sitting next to me, apparently (this was the guy with the strega). when "nighttime" comes and the village goes to sleep (we all lower our heads to simulate sleeping), he reaches over and grabs my cock. i think i handled it very well. i just gently removed his hand and said "dude, there's kids here..." i didn't want to embarrass the guy and it was kinda my fault (apparently i give off a really gay vibe when i'm this drunk), i have a lot of gay friends and i know it's hard (heheh, phrasing) to find similarly minded people, so when the villagers decided to lynch me that night i drunkenly excused myself and left the game. the guy ended up leaving with his, now empty, bottle of booze. this caused me to miss what happened next. from my side of the room, i hear a splash and see about 20 people all stand up in unison, perform a perfectly in-synch 180, and jog away from the scene with a giant "nope" look on all their faces. my brother had puked all over the game area. with no other players remaining, he declared victory for the werewolves. 15 minutes later, we're in the bathroom, and i'm telling him all the disgusting things i can think of to get him to throw up more. these include things like, "hey, let's go upstairs and get an ashtray sandwich!" or "just think about going down on mom..." that one worked really well... somewhere i have a video of him crying while puking and proclaiming "stop, i'm vomiting tears!" with the help of one of the convention volunteers, we make it back to our rooms, where i pass out next to the door for about an hour. i finally make it to bed around 6am, and sleep straight though to 2pm. i awake to the worst hangover of my life. i had to pound several energy drinks to get rid of the headache, but by 6pm or so i'm good. my brother apparently had a similar experience in his room. we decided not to continue our werewolf games on sunday, and kept ourselves from even showing our faces in the game room for the rest of the convention. ** **part 2** - on monday, we're getting ready to leave the convention and we run into one of the guys that helped us out when we were both puking. he told us that everyone completely forgot about saturday night because of what happened the next night. 11pm or so, sunday night, down in the game room there were these two drunk guys. they're being real assholes and are asked to leave the game. they finally give in and get up, only to stick around because the one guy's gf showed up. he picks her up, throws her on the table, lifts her skirt and starts doin it right there... in front of a mixed crowd with ages ranging from 8 to 60. apparently that's the line at this particular convention. the con's security escorts them upstairs where the one guy is threatening to beat the shit out of the hotel manager, while the other declares that "you can't hold us, i'm in the military!" so the security guy asks for their military ids. he writes down the information and informs them that he'll be calling their cos. the guys start freaking out. security takes them out back into this little courtyard area while they wait for the head of security to show up. guy starts picking up gravel and throwing it at the windows of the hotel. he finally crossed the line when he took a chair and tried to pry to fire door open with one of the legs. this set off the fire alarm. turns out that the fire department was already there, finishing up after a fire in the elevator on the 26th floor. with that, the cops got involved. **tl:dr** - drunk guy fucks his gf in front of an 8 year old. gets fire department, cops, and his co called on him.

** - drank mystery booze, got groped, and my brother won a game by puking. don't drink strega!!!

drinking from an unmarked bottle

okay so this morning i got up late for class and decided that i could skip a shower and just do the ol' wet-my-hair-down-and-put-a-shit-ton-of-deodorant-on-to-make-it-seem-like-i-showered. it worked well enough and my day went on normally. after class i get a text from my new-ish hot girlfriend (almost a month) asking me if i wanted to go on a dinner date. hell yes! with this girl, if i pay for dinner and she has a good time, she gets my man gravy for dessert if you know what i mean. anyway, it's about half an hour before i have to go and pick her up and i figure that i should do a pre-date shit so i don't end up in the bathroom at the restaurant for 45 minutes because i had a double baconator for lunch (i know, fuck my fat ass...). so i'm sitting on the toilet and i scratch my balls and do a sniff test like everyone does when they take a shit. not fucking good. my scrotum smelt of aged swiss cheese from a fancy-pants gourmet restaurant. i was thinking, "shit! she's not going to want a hunk of floppy swiss in her mouth, not without wine! and i don't have enough time for a shower!" so i do the most logical thing of course, i grab the bottle of febreze next to the toilet and spray it on my dick. ya done fucked up now m0t0rb04t! i had a boner from thinking of the blowie i was going to receive later, so my pee-hole was wide open. as the febreze dripped down my shaft shoot, it felt like a thousand needles. this was supposed to be lavender and vanilla comfort, not vanilla fire! i tried to force some piss out to try and wash it out but that hurt 100 times more. my eyes were watering and i was trying my hardest not to scream; it was the worst pain ever! so i ended up cancelling the date because "i really had to work on homework." she kinda got pissed but whatever, there was no way i was going to blow my febreze load on her face tonight.

i missed out on a blow job because i sprayed febreze down my urethra.

febreze-ing my dick

this wasn't today but last thursday. i was asked to join a new group of friends for drinks. i haven't drank alcohol for about a month for various reasons and i was very behind on sleep, but i still wanted to join them. so the night starts off normal until i decide to stop mixing my drinks and pouring straight admiral nelson. i must have misjudged my tolerance and blacked out halfway through the night...which has never happened to me. apparently i had filled up my cup two more times after blacking out, and ended up puking the night away. i now owe a handle of admiral and left my dignity on the bathroom floor where i sat butt-naked for the night..

new acquaintances, drink silly amounts of alcohol, made a great first impression and have initiated myself into the group by getting plastered. now owe a handle of admiral, and am nicknamed 180.

getting too drunk

this is my first time submitting a post to reddit, so bear with me as i no doubt make an arse of the formatting. i'm also warning you that this post is fucking horrible and involves not only a lot of blood where it shouldn't be, but a detailed description of my penis-cleaning procedure.  i keep some baby wipes in the bathroom. they make wiping after a hefty shit a breeze, and i like to use them to give the old cock a good wipe after taking a piss. you know, for that extra minty freshness. it was 23:30. nature called, and i answered. i pulled my skin far back for a good clean, and thought nothing of it, as it wasn't out of the ordinary for me. my cock is battle hardened — it can take some punishment.  drip.  i looked down to find a nice little drop of blood about two centimetres in diameter. and then another. and then another. and they just kept coming. it was none of your watery papercut blood — this was thick and dark crimson. it meant business. i was now powering through the wipes at an alarming rate, with one hand trying to stop the flood in vain, and the other furiously wiping the floor. and it just wouldn't stop. the bleeding continued for several minutes, with my toilet looking like a really creative murder scene. the floor was still covered. my hands were a lost cause. the toilet still had some lingering blood creeping around even after several flushes.  the bleeding finally slowed enough for me to get a good look at the damage. i guess i was just too harsh with my cleaning, as that little line of skin on the underside of the head was bearing a sizeable tear. i don't know how much blood i lost, but my penis was looking awfully pale by the end of the ordeal. i ended up cleaning most of the bathroom so not as to risk being discovered, before heading to bed wearing the darkest coloured boxer-briefs i could find. bathroom-related bleeding is something you never want to share. well, except for with the entire internet! 

i had a penis period.

tearing my penis and bleeding all over my bathroom

last night, by boyfriend and i got a pizza, and when we got back, i took the the pizza upstairs while he went to park the car. his designated lot is a good 15 minute walk from my complex, so i was left with the challenge of keeping the pizza warm while i waited for him to return. no problem, i would just put the oven on warm and place the pizza inside. i'd done it a thousand times at my parents house, so i didn't think this would be any different. here's the catch: this is a dorm apartment, and the oven is half the size of a normal oven. here's the other catch: the buildings is close to 40 years old, so this oven also happens to be gas. perhaps you see where this is going, because i didn't. since the oven is small, and the pizza box covered the entire shelf from end to end, the sides of the box that were touching the inside of the oven proceeded to burn, smolder, and - when i noticed the smoke and removed the box from the oven - catch fire. i began frantically snuffing the fire out with various oven mitts and kitchen cloths whilst praying that the flame didn't ignite any residual grease that might be present on my stove top. fortunately, it didn't. i eventually got the fire out, leaving a carpet of cardboard ash all over my kitchen floor and i was now faced with a new problem. the smoke. my tiny apartment was now filled from wall to wall with smoke. (as we all know, cardboard is one of the smokiest flammable substances on the planet). i'm very small, and i'm now rushing about, scrambling to move furniture away from the windows because some genius designed them without a screen and to open toward the inside. all the while, i'm choking on smoke, and my eyes are watering so bad its hard to see. at this point, i'm now beginning to panic that at any moment, my smoke alarm is going to go off, which, were this to happen, would succeed in evacuating the entire complex, and end in me paying a large fee to the university, and probably one to the fire department as well. to add to this, i have a large number of empty alcohol bottles waiting to go out and larger number of full ones in my fridge. being a dry campus and me being only 20 years old, this could also cause termination to my housing contract. surely, these containers would be discovered upon investigation of the cause for alarm. (usually no ra ever even visits my floor, and the room is only inspected once per semester for safety). fortunately for me, the smoke alarm in my apartment is located in the bedroom, and i managed to air the place out without causing it to go off. i was lucky enough to survive the ordeal with nothing but an ashy kitchen, a burnt throat (it still hurts a little to breath in too deeply), and an apartment in which everything smells very pungently of smoke (this is the best part, because my clothes now all smell like a campfire). somehow, in a very lucky turn of events, the pizza was okay.

tried to warm a pizza, smoked out my entire apartment.

almost setting my apartment on fire.

my first post on reddit and it's in tifu. figures. so this actually happened yesterday, but since it was less than 24 hours ago i figured it still counts. i left my apartment to go pick up my kid and do some shopping for a sick friend. as i was pulling out of my complex, i realized that i forgotten my phone. seeing as though i was still in the parking lot, i pulled around and rather than park in a space, i decided to leave my car running behind a few cars parked in front of my building. now, recently my car has been doing this things where the electric locks (which have been fried for a while) have been randomly engaging while i drive. this wouldn't be too much of a problem except that the lock mechanism itself in the drivers side door is screwed up so its really hard to unlock from inside. so i unlock my door, get out of the car and shut the door behind me. then thinking better of it, i decide to leave the door open a little so it doesn't randomly lock me out. it was too late. i was locked out of my car for 90 minutes, and the whole time the engine was running. my kid ended up having to get a ride home with her friend and i was late to pick up my gf. stupid locks.

shut the locked door (that i thought was unlocked) with keys in the ignition and car running, waited 90 minutes to get it unlocked.

locking my keys in my car... while it was running.

this was on australia day but that wasn't long ago. we are drinking to celebrate our overtaking of this great southern land and we are in the pool (awesome in ground one, 2 metres deep). i invent a new drinking game where you take your bottle of beer, hold it in your mouth and have to swim underwater to the other side and then finish it off when you submerge. it was awesome, went without a hitch! no pool water got in and i was a hero. i got cocky and went for a return pass to the other side, this time i didn't take as much care (hell it worked last time so its a sure thing) and i think quite a bit of pool water got in. all was hilarious and we kept drinking. fast forward to the night and i had stomach cramps to the point where i nearly shit the bed (doesn't matter if i did anyways, counter is still 0000). there were some close calls but there were many trips to the bathroom. i'm fine now but it was an awful night.

invented a game where you swim underwater with your beer. drank some pool water, liquid shit all night.

inventing a drinking game called "the snorkel"

(long but worth a read) so i'm in grade 12 chemistry class and as a part of our final independent study project (isu) each of us was to choose a pre-designed experiment that was deemed a 'magic trick' and perform it for a class of grade 9 students. my magic trick was called methane bubbles. link to an example for those of you who are unfamiliar with the experiment, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqxonsakr6y this was also done on mythbusters i believe. anyway, i was practising the experiment at lunchtime when a very large group of bubbles was caught up on the ceiling, but these were from a girl not in my class who had selected the same project. being the gentleman that i am i decided to go light them for her. when the supervising teacher saw what i was about to do he sort of mumbled 'yeah you could do that i guess' without really looking. so i lit it on fire and this massive fireball radiated out along the ceiling, maybe 6 feet in diameter, i could feel the heat from it. just as the 30 some odd people let out a collective 'ahhh' admiring my work, black water explodes out of the ceiling and starts spraying everywhere, the fire alarm goes off. as some people are getting sprayed with the mysterious black water, a panic ensues and the teacher who ok'ed the thing yells "everyone get out", the funny thing was that he was probably the second person out of the room. the whole school (~1200 people, less at lunch) is evacuated (people seemed extra pissed off) and it was -20 c outside and there was a wind chill. fire and emt crew show up and enter the school. as i am standing outside watching it all unfold i see the ambulance leave for the hospital with two people in it. the people outside are ordered to move to a nearby recreation centre to stay warm (most of them didn't have their coats) but part of the school was reopened half an hour later. none of my afternoon classes started after a while so i went home feeling guilty and excited. for the rest of the day i would occasionally break out into laughter just thinking about it. my dad asked me how my day was when he got home. when i said 'i sort of set the school on fire', well, the look on his face was priceless. the next day i find out about the people who went to the hospital. one was my physics teacher who had a panic/asthma attack during the whole thing and the other was a guy who was in the room at the time but accidentally spilled fake blood and hydrogen peroxide on his face (part of his magic trick he was practising) seconds before my explosion went off. you can see why the physics teacher freaked out. both of them are fine now. i also found out that the science rooms had been flooded in about a foot of water which leaked below into the library destroying most of the ceiling tiles but no books or computers. i was deemed a hero by some who had tests postponed and the magic tricks were never performed. i haven't heard the official ruling on what exactly went wrong but the water was black because it was rusty from the sprinkler system. neither myself nor my chemistry teacher are in trouble because it was a ministry approved experiment. i was a bad idea on my part anyway. i write my chem exam tomorrow, i'm certain that i'll lose crappy marks, i talked to my teacher actually and we are on good terms. on a side note, there is no foreseeable end to the 'don't set that on fire' jokes. edit: paragraph spacing

my chem experiment gone wrong breaks the ceiling, evacuates school in -20 c weather, floods several rooms and the library and sends 2 people to the hospital during lunchbreak (worth read for the story behind it)

sort of/almost setting my high school on fire.

(took place last week) i went over to the suite of my good friend/occasional hookup partner to pick up a book i had lent her. she wasn't there and i really had to shit so i used the bathroom in her suite. naturally i played a few turns in words with friends while i pooped. i stood up to wipe and put my phone on the toilet paper dispenser when someone played their turn, causing my phone to vibrate and promptly fall into the toilet. i quickly rescued my phone from the shitwater and immediately opened it up to see if i could rescue it. i then ran into her room and panickedly threw the pieces of the phone on the first flat surface i could find, which happened to be her bed. she had returned while i was shitting, and i was only halfway through my explanation when she realized that shitwater (i can confirm that this phone smelled fucking foul) was staining her bed, whereupon she kicked me in the balls, pushed me out of the room, and locked the door. and that's the story of how i found out she was extremely germaphobic. edit: punctuation sucks

; i drowned my phone in shitwater and threw it on a poor girl's bed.

playing words with friends

i was golfing, and a fat heard of mallards were relaxing by the green about 176 yards out. i have played this hole many times before, and am pretty confident i can hit the green. 'thwack' i send the ball off, my hands hurt from a slight vibration, which means my ball wasn't going where i wanted it to. all of a sudden i see a lone bird freak out, jump, try to fly, and then fall. the other green headed bastards nearly trample him trying to get to the nearest little pond, about twenty feet to the right. he makes it to the water with his mallard friends, only to drop his head under the murky water, unconscious, to die. i drove up to my ball, which was resting near the edge of the green, and finished the hole.

today i hit a mallard with a golf ball from about 160 yards out, causing it to pass out in the water and die amongst a huge group of other ducks.

killing a mallard.

there are a few main people in this story; me, james, and xavier, austin, brian, and zack the story of october 19th: (tl;dr at the end) it all started out six months ago with my group of friends at my school on a monday morning. the whole group was there (the names listed above) and james had just gotten to school. he comes up to the group and tells us "i can't wait until october 19th". no one in the group knew what this met at all, and throughout the week, james kept on repeating "october 19th, i can't wait". we'd ask him "james, what the fuck happens on october 19th?" and he wouldn't tell us. he would just say things like "you'll see. you'll all see'" because james kept saying all these things over and over about october 19th, we decide to start making an inside joke with me and my friends that james is gonna shoot up the school, james is gonna bring a gun to school, stuff along those lines. we never said it to anyone outside the group ever. fast forward to the afternoon of october 18th. xavier and austin ride the same bus home, so they sit together everyday on the ride home. sitting behind them was a freshmen girl, who over heard what xavier and austin were saying about james and about the next day, but it was all still an inside joke with me and my friends. that freshmen girl went home that day and told her mom what she over heard xavier and austin talking about. that same afternoon, we were all in skype, and james tells us that the surprise for tomorrow was that he was going to disneyland. and sure enough, about ten minutes later, james was on the road headed for california. (we live in arizona, so california's only five-six hours away). that night, at around eleven, i was about to lay down and go to bed, when i get a phone call from james. i answer it, and james is freaking out. i guess james and xavier were on skype that night, and the police called xavier's house, and told him that the police were coming to investigate the supposed school shooting tomorrow, october 19th. they said that swat was coming to our school, and the whole group was under arrested for conspiracy to commit murder. at first i thought it was a joke, but i got a call about five minutes after i hung up on james from the police telling me they wanted to ask me questions. since xavier was the one that was talking about october 19th on the bus, and the freshmen girl overheard him specifically talking about it, the police went to xavier's house and questioned him about october 19th. the next day, police were at my school, about ten officers maybe. they questioned all of us about october 19th, and somehow, xavier ended up getting all of the blame. he's still being charged to this day with minor charges and two felonies. i don't know what legally is still going on besides that, but yea. zack, brian, and austin got lucky and nothing happened to them at all. that's the story of october 19th. never joke about school shootings.

me and my friends made an inside joke about our friend shooting up the school, someone overheard, told the police, and my friend is still being charged with two felonies.

making a joke with my friends

long read but multiple fuck ups. so i get asked to bartend this wedding with a friend. i think fuck it and say yeah me and my best bud will do it. my friend says, "yeah i've bartended at a wedding before it's great you can get drunk with everyone and everyone loves it". my friend is my best mate, and brings the super retard idiot out in me. the day before i had just finished my final huge exams for my degree, and wanted to blow off some steam. so we rock up at this bartending gig, i've never done it before. say hi to everyone, and the dad running the show is a bit of a dick to me and my friend. apparently he's a pretty straight edge guy, but these older dudes love to smash scotch. still quite religious and serious. so we get working and have a few sneaky beverages here and there. we're having loads of fun and the people invited are enjoying our antics and stuff. talk heaps with all these people, a few being my parent's friends and stuff. anyways, we start getting tipsy, but we're a good team and killing it as it gets real busy. the older guys are loving it, but we're getting pretty drunk. we're super fun and the party is clearly at the bar. the girl notices and is judging me hard as i ask her what drink she wants and she rudely replies "um, i don't even drink". (you know it that super arrogant way) anyways we peak a bit too early and things start going downhill. it's noticeable how tipsy we are, and the dad tells me off. i'm like fuck that guy. so we throw down a few more drinks. by now we're trashed, but i can act classy and hold my shit together. my friend however cannot. he's got those real drunk eyes cranking and people are noticing how fucked we are. start messing up drinks and stuff. then my mate drops a whole unopened bottle of vodka without realising. i try clean it up and i drop a huge chunk of glass making it worse. someone gets us food and i end up destroying my dad's shirt with it. so in our hammered state we think it'll be genius to stash a bottle or 2 in the garden out back to nick at the end. just to clarify i'm not ever such a scumbag, but in our drunken state this seemed pretty genious. then we start cleaning up and stuff. i'm feeling pretty bad so i help out pretty well and hide my drunkness. the older guys organising are happy. however my friend is absolutely fucked at this point and gets caught stealing a bottle. i rescue him and somehow talk my way out of it. eventually i get our dosh and my friend's dad picks us up. my friend even tells him to "prime the car as we stole shit". we get away and celebrate our victory. the ultimate fuck up? me sending a picture bragging of stealing shit to everyone on my snapchat. including the girl who got me the job. fuck **

** got trashed while getting paid at a wedding for some religious people, ruined my dad's shirt, stole shit and then sent a picture to the chick organising it about the whole ordeal.

getting drunk at a super religious wedding

so i'm at the office going on a usual mid week coffee bender which usually consists of three cups before lunch. i take my lunch break and have a smoke after. for those that don't smoke, drink coffee, or both, the coffee is the primer and the cig pulls the plug. so i go upstairs to the 26th floor where i work and head for the bathroom. of course the cleaning lady has to be in there so i clench the cheeks for a good half hour. after she leaves i head in there and plop down ready to. as soon as the porcelain and skin make contact the door opens. i get the nervous poop syndrome so i immediately try to hold it all in till the co worker leaves. trying my hardest, a bunch of loud farts start shooting at at rapid fire echoing off the bowl making it ten times louder. i'm talking 25 toots in 8 seconds. i lost my state of mind and jammed my hand in the bowl trying to cover my poop hole like its some sort of plausible option and i can stop the gas leak. wrong. the deuce shot out. blasted my hand and i almost puked. waited for the co worker to leave. used about a roll of toilet paper, walked to my desk. pokerface.jpg. act like it never happened.

thought my butt hole could be pluged like putting your thumb over a tiny hole in a garden hose.

pooping in my hand at the office

just a little background information first to get it out of the way. my boyfriend and i see each other once a week if we're lucky so when we do we usually get down to some dirty business after getting food and wandering around, stuff like that. i'm an eighteen year old female and he is a nineteen year old male, both legal where we live, just saying. needless to say, today was no different. started off the date by going to a sushi buffet, then went shopping (got a wondrous deal on clothing thanks to a friend, completely unrelated), and ended up at his place. so we're casually watching some television, occasionally engaging in some makeout seshes here and there, then things started to get steamy. also, forgot to mention, we ordered pizza beforehand. so of course, the pizza guy arrives while we're halfway through doing the deed, and boyfriend has to go downstairs to pay for the pizza, while he has a boner. then, after gorging ourselves on more food, we recommence the sexy times -- only to have his grandpa walk in on us (he was mad about the dog peeing in the bathroom or something along those lines). also, the boyfriend doesn't have a lock on his bedroom door so, yeah. thinking quickly, the boyfriend reaches over and covers us both with the blanket, effectively concealing us from his grandpa's sight. you'd think that any normal person would realize what's going on, laugh, and leave the room, right? wrong. his grandpa proceeds to walk into the room while we're both under the covers almost shitting ourselves, and he starts patting at us from above the covers. full out grabbing at, what he probably sees as a giant blob underneath the covers. i'm pretty sure at one point he grabbed my head, can't really remember (in denial). anyways, a lot of shouting ensued and the grandpa left. pretty sure i can't go back there ever again. edit: boyfriend did not give the pizza guy the d.

had accidental threesome with boyfriend's grandpa.

having sex.

one fine summer day 20 years ago my best friend & i decided to go to the mall. i was 13, it was the early 90's & so i decided to wear a [cropped shirt](http://img0.etsystatic.com/001/1/6387571/il_fullxfull.363369264_jqz8.jpg) sans bra since, well, i was not really in need of one yet. (it was also arizona in the summer so the less clothing the better...usually). in this mall the food court overlooked a good-size arcade. we looked around for games we wanted to play, making our plan of attack and then we saw it. this new incredible ride. the [gyroorbitron](http://new-jersey-amusement-rides.com/interactive-ride-photos/gyroorbitron.jpg). it was early so it wasn't open yet and we got in line first. i love rides, especially ones that you go upside down on so i insisted that i was first. so there am i, getting strapped in looking up at all the people looking down on me with curiosity at this new contraption. the ride operator asks me, "all set?" i reply with an emphatic, "yep!" and away i went upside down...with my shirt over my head. dead silence. the ride stops with my shirt still over my head. i pull it down and the operator (trying not to look at me) asks if i want to get off the ride early. i'm totally mortified and didn't want to be more embarrassed by quitting so i tucked my shirt into my waist band and finished my time.

wore tiny shirt on a new ride & flashed a bunch of strangers.

going on a new amusement ride.

i am near sighted, and i can only recognize things by shape and color when i don't have my glasses on. my eyes were pretty dry this morning, so i went to put a few eye drops in. i had forgotten that i had an ear wax dissolvent bottle that looked exactly the same shape and size of my eye drop bottle. i thought i had my eye drop bottle, but i had somehow grabbed the eax wax dissolvent bottle. i put one drop in and felt immediate pain. i rushed to the bathroom and rinsed my eye out for a good 5 minutes, and i took a wet cloth and dabbed my eye every now and than for about an hour. i still have a dull pain in my eye after a few hours, but its nothing i can't handle. it's definitely not the way i wanted to start off my morning.

don't put ear wax dissolvent in your eye

putting ear wax dissolvent in one of my eyes

so i work as an intern at a bank and on fridays most people go home early. well last friday my boss and i were practically the only ones in the still in the office after lunch so she allowed my to go home early, but offered to pay me for a full day. i've never been paid for not working before so i was stoked. i finished up my lunch, packe up my stuff and left. the following monday (yesterday), i received and email from the department that is responsible for paying me to approve last weeks online time card (i get paid by the hour) and let them know if anything is incorrect. my timecard still showed me leaving at 1:00 on friday and i was supposed to get paid for a full day so i emailed them back saying to change my out time to 4:30 because my boss said it was okay. fast forward to this morning, and my boss tells me that she just got an angry call asking why she approved me to get paid for 3.5 hours that i wasn't working.

apparently my boss was doing me a solid that she could get in trouble for and i went and told on her (by accident).

getting my boss in trouble with the people who write both out paychecks

*spoiler: there's no shit in this story* so for a bit of context here. i live in missouri, in the us. i'm a guy in my late 20s and i work 3rd shift. i was meeting my friend so we could watch a movie at her place. she was just getting off work, and i was about 10 min early to her place. but i didn't want to just wait in my car, so i kept driving down the road. got to a point when i needed to turn around, so i went down a side street to do a u-turn. my turn radius on my car sucks a bit, so i had to stop and and put it in reverse. i stopped a couple feet from a lightpost and some combination of my brain or body fucked up and didn't put my car and reverse, smashed the gas pedal and dented up my front bumper and hood. and maybe the radiator. on the plus side, i didn't get any tickets from the police that ended up showing up randomly. no asking if i was drunk, or if i could walk a straight line. if i remember, i'll try to post a pic. edit, i suck at spoiler tags.

i hit a stationary object and fucked up my car, because i was 10 min early to a friend's house**

being early

just a normal day, at my friends house trying to take a shit. so i go to the bathroom, to take my shit, because that's where i usually take my shits. get into the usual position, take out my phone with my left hand and hold my dick down with my right so i can piss in the toilet. yea you guys know how it works. as i'm scrolling down the reddit front page with my left hand, this massive mosquito comes out of nowhere and starts trying to make out with my face, and what do you know. i panic. instead of using my free left hand i use my dominant right hand in an attempt to swat the fucker away(when i could have used my free left hand the whole time) , and as i am windmill swatting the massive blood sucker, my dick is left to roam free. . (guys reading should know what happens. .) fucking fire hose action initiates. my dick just starts flailing around, shooting urine everywhere. there's piss on the toilet seat, my pants, the floor, my left leg, the worst part is that the mosquito disappeared so i'm covered in piss and paranoid. so instead of enjoying my shit, i had to erupt it from my ass, wipe my ass clean as fast as i could, and get my ass out of there. on the good side though i marked my territory on his bathroom rug.

pissed on myself because it was too damn hot in this house.

not being ambidextrous

little bit of background: winter 2013 college semester i started to fall for this girl that i meet through a mutual friend. fast forward to a week after school gets out, she goes home for the summer and i start working third shift, gotta make the money, so she breaks up with me. a week later she starts going out with her friend from back home who she "wanted to go out before but didn't want to get into a ld relationship, but its cool now because this year he will be going to a local community college that is near the college we go to." ok, now back to today, yesterday ex-gf wants to hang out for a bit as we are going to try to just be friends as there wasn't much relationship before we broke up. so i hang out with her and the old feelings resurface in me, time to gtfo and have some whiskey. so today i went to football tailgating at the college i go to, hot greek little sister walks up with her friend "hey bigwag91, this is my friend hotgurl, blah blah blah, she just got out of a two year relationship. she is just looking to hang out. had i not been thinking about last night (or maybe the hangover of today) i would have seen this as a total green light on hotgurl. later hotgurl is talking to me alot giving little hints that i should have noticed but i couldn't muster myself together enough to take these hints and lay some moves on hotgurl. later on i ended up having to go up to here and apologize for acting like a complete idiot in front of her and we got to talking. ex lovers, friends, interests, etc, etc. the ex lovers part was the worst cause after talking for 45-60 minutes she looks and me and goes "you will find someone, don't worry" but gives major hints that i missed my chance. p.s. "today" is actually yesterday edit: it's still 2013, was hoping it was closer to my graduation

ex-gf used me as a place holder, shit on my heart, hung out with me yesterday, and stuck in my head today when i could have done something with hotgurl.

talking to a girl

okay, first of all this an old story and i just thought this would be the perfect place to tell it. this happened in high school, as everything does. so i used to take the school bus home from school, and the bus ride was the best part of the day, because me and my friends were always up to something stupid, there are many bus stories i could tell you, but let's focus on this one. so as per usual me and my friends are being idiots and nobody on the bus really cares because they're used to it. you see i realize now that i didn't make this decision consciously, but rather it was inspired from a memory deep in my subconscious. a long time ago, i watched the movie speed with keanu reeves and sandra bullock, (yeah you know exactly where this is going) so for some reason i thought i would re-enact the events of the most memorable scene in my opinion. so we were driving down a really busy road in my city, and we always sat at the back of the bus so here's what i did. i got a piece of paper (from what i remember, this is the only writing i did all day) and a sharpie and wrote quite clearly; help! bomb on bus! yeah, i did that, guess what else i'm an indian guy. fucking perfect right, now in my defence every car that saw the sign laughed at it because they saw me making the dumbest face ever and all my friends laughing and joking, but then there was this one blonde (hair color has no relevance, just painting a picture) that was probably having a bad day or something because she didn't laugh, matter of fact instead of going where she was headed, she followed the bus all the way to my bus stop, she waited until she saw me get up to get out of her car. up until this point me and my friends were joking around but when the black honda civic door opened the laughter stopped and i heard a "you're fuuucked" in unison. whatever. before i can even get off of the bus she climbs onto the the bus, and i shit you not, these are her exact words, you wouldn't forget them either. blonde lady: "is everyone alright?" everyone: "yeeah...." blonde lady: "is there a bomb on the bus?" scrooge: *facepalm* x9000 she then proceeds to tell the bus driver, who already hates my guts, that i am a threat to national security and need to be dealt with. this led to my suspension; 1 week from school, 1 month from the bus. the ass kicking i got....oh man, don't even get me started.

put a sign that said 'bomb on bus' on the back window of my school bus, and a crazy white bitch followed me to my stop to save the day.

making a terrorist threat

so today was my first day at work. i was told to be there at 8:00am. naturally, i didn't want to fuck up and be late, so i went to bed early and got some sleep so i can get up at 6:50am and get there earlier. you know, just in case something happens. i wake up at 6:50 this morning, i take a nice hot shower and get ready slowly just because i've got so much time. at 7:15am, my boss calles me and asks me why i'm not at work yet. i tell her it's only 7:15, and that she told me to be there at 8... she then proceeds to tell me that it's 8:15am right now because of daylight savings time. apparently, my country decided to extend daylight savings time by a month and a half or something. being on reddit all day, i didn't even know this happened, so my phone's clock decided to move itself an hour backwards. needless to say, i was ~30 minutes late to my first day at work.

daylight savings time is fucking retarded.**

on my first day at work

so my friends and i went to venice beach and we all got fairly high. i have a lowest tolerance of all my smoking buddies, so when we were finished, they were all good, but i was feeling quite dizzy. as we were leaving, i started feeling worse and worse in the car ride and i felt as if my skin was melting and the car was going at light speeds. all of this lead to my mind telling me "i need to fucking throw up right now", so i obliged, but thought, hey it would be a great idea to roll down the window first before throwing up. sounds great right? nope, turns out throwing up while on the freeway with the window open causes the barf to come flying back in and hitting the person sitting behind you. everyone in the car got a little damage from my vile, but my friend sitting behind me had it the worst. after we had gotten back she told me that it had gotten in her mouth.

threw up while on the freeway with the window open, only to have it come back into the car and go into my friend's mouth.

throwing up in my friend's mouth.

yesterday was canadian thanksgiving, and instead of having the usual beaver drizzled in maple syrup (kidding) i ate a traditional meal with a bit of a twist. instead of turkey we had raw chunks of prime beef with a pasty sauce comprised of dried hot peppers and whisky. the good whisky. anyways, turns out my stomach can't handle a meal meant for an african warrior who just killed a zebra with his 14 inch long johnson, so of course i got a little sick. i decided to be a dumbass, and told myself i'd go to school no matter what. i skip breakfast, because i know i can't hold anything down at this point, and go to school. one period later and i'm cancelling a lunch date, asking for homework, and calling home. fast forward another hour and the bus (ttc, reppin toronto transit) drops me off 100m from the house. that was the second longest hundred meters (328.084 feet) in my life. i got home and felt like shit, so i took a shit. and what a shit it was, the toilet will be stained for days. after i was done spewing out my intestines, i walked down to the kitchen. remembering my training, i knew i was supposed to prescribe fluids to my sorry ass. so, i drank half a glass of water. before i could say "sweet relief" i began to projectile vomit like a firehose. i ran upstairs, mouth over my hands, and i *swear* to you i could hear the gushing as the yellow fluid sprayed the stairs, the hardwood floor, the tiling in my bathroom, my bathroom mirror, and finally the sink. i then proceeded to vomit my stomach acid out, feeling the burn as i did so. and it wasn't a gentle *bleugh*, it was a steady stream which looked like i was taking a piss from my mouth. after the trauma was over, i wiped the hardwood and mirror, washed the sink a bit, and realized i'm gonna need a carpet cleaner. i have just finished watching catch me if you can, and i still can't be bothered to find out where i can get one. wish me luck reddit, i have a huge presentation tomorrow and a math assignment, let's see if i can stop spewing for enough time for me to finish.

got sick trying to eat raw meat, sprayed nearly a tenth of my square footage with watery orangish-yellow fluids.

drinking a glass of water, and using it to pressure wash my house with orange fluid.

for context, i'm 5' 6-1/2" and 143 pounds (just got measured). my company does a health risk assessment to give people incentives to be healthy. they take your height, weight, blood draw, etc. and if you are healthy you get money off of your premiums each month. so mine was today. i did everything well and fasted before hand. a buddy of mine had his today too. we decided we should celebrate it by going out and getting a bunch of food. i decided to try and eat whatever he ate. we called it a "celebration". we decided today that pancheros (like chipotle if you don't have one nearby) was the place of choice. the challenge was to eat 2 burritos in one sitting. these are no baby burritos if you haven't been there before. these suckers are probably 1-1.5 lbs a piece. i should also mention my buddy is about 6' 1" and 250+ lbs. we decided to go for it, and holy shit does my stomach regret it. i successfully ate both, but i, for some stupid reason, decided to get jalapenos on mine, so that's in the mix. i haven't stopped burping or farting since eating it, and my stomach is brewing something awful. the worst part is yet to come when i have this sloppy mud-butt shit at work. it's gonna be a real butthole burner. never, ever, eat 2 pancheros burritos in one sitting. and if you do, don't get jalapenos on them.

going to melt a toilet later with red-hot magma shits

celebrating my health risk assessment with 2 panchero's burritos

my worst nightmare has come true. i papercut my eye with about 15 pages of paper. i got to an optometrist right away, and was able to take [a picture of a picture they took](http://i.imgur.com/dgkegv4.jpg). the yellowy bit is the damaged area. a papercut to the eye, particularly of this magnitude, hurts at least as much as you'd imagine.

good idea: do work. bad idea: unwittingly papercut your eye.

papercutting my eye

today, a lot of my extended family was over for thanksgiving dinner. i spent my summer working in kenya and i haven't seen a lot of family since i've been back, so i decided to grab my laptop and show them some of my photos. what i had forgotten was that last night i fell asleep after watching some porn and i hadn't touched my laptop since; luckily i had made the effort of closing the actual porn website, but i hadn't gone as far as the pop-up ads... so i had to clumsily close down three sexual pop up ads (two "live cams" and some adult dating site) while my aunts, uncles, grandmother and great grandmother watched.

four generations of family members feeling awkward because i didn't close my porn pop-ups.

not closing my porn pop-ups.

biggest scare of my life, i almost died today. i have been training at work as an electrical/electronics technician. i got burned on my hand today at work during a factory shut down from an arc flash made up of 480 volts of electricity and i don't know how many amps (i know it's a lot though, because it was the main disconnect for the entire machine). i was cleaning out one of the cabinets for a machine at work when it happened. i was blowing an air compressor into the main disconnect of the machine, and had an arc flash burned me. for those who don't know, when a machine is turned off and has gone through the lock out, tag out procedure, you need to verify that power is off using a volt meter at the source, otherwise it is considered hot (there is still electricity). i am not electrically certified by the company to use a volt meter to check if there is no power, so someone else who is certified usually does it. also, under normal conditions, you would never go near the top of the disconnect, because it still has power, unless a different disconnect going to that disconnect is turned off, then there is absolutely no power there. that didn't happen today, during the factory shut down. no one who is certified told me there was absolutely no power coming anywhere, and no one tested it. but why would there be during a factory shut down right? power was on, and when my air compressor went near one of the top terminals, the arc went across the barrel of the gun, not up it, which saved my life. the hole in the gun was the size of a .22 caliber bullet, and that could have been my arm, my leg, or even my chest. the flash blinded me for a few seconds, and when i could see and hear again, i looked at my pain filled left hand, and saw that some skin was peeled off, like a popped blister would look. two co-workers came running over, had me sit, and then everyone and there mother showed up and looked to see what the loud noise was. i was sent to first aid and got wrapped up w/ some ice, which stopped my hand from cooking any more than it already did. once that was done, i was driven to the hospital to get checked out. i passed all of my drug, hearing, and heart rate tests, and the doc said i was lucky to just get a flash burn, all it is is a bad sun burn with a popped blister. i am very, very, very lucky to not have an electrical burn (look it up if you like), or even worse, and i have another check up tomorrow. i am not mad at anyone, just happy to be okay. i only ask that you make sure you don't take life and what you do for granted, because you never know if you may be closer to danger than i was. be safe my friends.

big bang, little boo boo.

almost getting electrocuted at work and dying.

this is probably the stupidest thing i think i have ever done. at least i feel like it. a little background, i had a great weekend which didn't include a lot of sleep, so that is a factor. i also drive a standard (stick), which will also come into play. anyways, going into work this morning and stopping at 7-11 for a coffee. the grade of the parking lot is maybe 1%, probably less heading back into the road. pull up in front of the store, grab a coffee and a clif bar as i skipped breakfast for the sake of sleep. got up to the counter, made my purchase, and turn to head out side. i notice my car going backward, about halfway through the parking lot now. first thing i think is "someone is seriously stealing my car right now", but wait, there's no one in the driver seat. as i'm running out to grab my car it dawns on me that i failed to get the car in gear to stop it from rolling. and yes, no e-brake was on either. the situation on the road was blocked cars waiting for the light to turn green. at the halfway point where my car was at, light turns green, cars in my car's path get out of the way... barely. the cars behind those, thankfully, saw my moving vehicle, and were honking with no response... until they see me running into the road, hop in my car and drive back into the 7-11. and after about .5 seconds of me comprehending everything, i promptly left the 7-11 to probably never return. i have never felt so stupid.

didn't leave my car in gear when i went to get coffee, car rolled into the road, but caused no major damage other than my pride.

"why is my car traveling across traffic while i'm getting coffee"?

so my family and i went out for dinner as my mum and younger sister had just come back off holiday. i wanted something a little different than my usual gammon and chips, and i didn't have long to order so i just chose a simple burger and chips. (what can go wrong?!) well the food came and it was very nice. we paid and went home. about an hour after i got home, i started to feel slightly off so i decided to lay down for a bit. this went on for about 3 hours so by this point it was about 1am when suddenly i got the urge to go to the loo. as soon as i sat down on the toilet my arse *exploded.* i felt like a faulty hosepipe. at the same time, i needed to be sick. the bath and sink is about 2.5m away so there was no way i could reach and i was in no position to get up whilst i was spraying out shit at all angles. i puked everywhere. it was on my feet, on the walls, all up the side of the toilet, on the door. luckily i had my phone in my pocket, so i messaged my partner for help. i actually felt slightly better, so i got up off the toilet, flushed and went and sat by the bath whilst he cleared up the sick. as i was sitting down, i realised i needed to be sick again, so i knelt over the side of the bath and began throwing up again. the force of my retching, unfortunately, caused me to start shitting wildly again. i was not on the toilet. it was heavy and wet and it stunk. so there i was, covered in sick and shit and sweat. i started to peel my clothes off so i could get into the sick-covered bath to shower. just after i got all of my clothes off, i started to retch again. there was no blocking the shit this time. it sprayed on the walls, the sink, the shower, the mirror, everywhere. i was naked, covered in my sick from earlier on the toilet, i'd shat myself twice and it was still dribbling down my legs, all dignity lost, whilst my poor fiance was cleaning it up. and all because i didn't have the fucking gammon for dinner.

i shat myself whilst i was naked and it sprayed all over my bathroom.

ordering a burger in the restaurant, instead of my usual gammon and chips.

earlier today i left a pepsi in the freezer to cool off. i felt like drinking it later so i didn't think to move it to the fridge before i went to sleep. i just woke up about an hour ago and was ridiculously warm. i decided i'd go drink that pepsi of mine. the moment i touched it, it instantaneously froze. i didn't think anything would be wrong with it. i walked to the other side of the kitchen from my refrigerator and began to open it. *boom* it exploded like a grenade of pepsi in my face. it was on the ceiling, in our cupboards and on the floor 10 feet away from me in our living room. i cleaned the stuff that got on the floor and the ceiling. i cleaned the inside of the cupboards that got a taste of pepsi as well. last but not least, i showered. my hair was stuck together and my eyes were sticky. not putting pepsi in the freezer again. i posted this on facebook as well as a small apology to my parents for the mess i made and will finish cleaning in the morning. "mom, dad there's a stack of dishes on the counter that got covered in pepsi. if you could load the contents of the sink into the dishwasher i'll wash them tomorrow."

today i fucked up by opening a frozen pepsi.

leaving pepsi in the freezer for a few hours.

it's 4 in the morning and i'm holding a piece of toilet paper to my balls. *why?* you ask? i'll tell ya why. around 3 in the morning, i get this bright idea, "if i shaved my balls, i wouldn't ever have to deal with it's nuisance again." and with that, i set off to my bathroom to shave my balls. razor? check. scissors? check. soaked balls? check. brother's sink filled with water? chhheeeck. 10 minutes in: everything's going according to plan. the feeling of the blade caressing the skin of my nuts; not a thing to be taken lightly. i finally finish everything and decide, "i'm gonna go over this again," because lord knows the only good shaved balls are smooth shaved balls. i then rinse and repeat, but this time, i decide to shave *upward* to make sure i get the little follicles out. this...this is where i fucked up. apparently balls can't handle that, so with each and individual hair that is ripped from my crotch, little splotches of blood appear. of course, myself being in the euphoric state i was in, didn't even notice it. after several seconds of wondering why my water has turned red, i look down, and to my horror...*bloody balls*. i start panicking and grab toilet paper to dab at it. turns out it wasn't too bad, so now as i'm typing this, a piece of toilet paper is the only thing getting between my bloody balls, and my clean pair of underwear. and for those who are probably dying to know, yes. my balls are smooth.

shave down, easy but prickly. shave up, smooth but bloody.

shaving my balls.

this wasn't too recent so forgive me, but i figure it's embarrassing enough to share. so it's 8am and it's the big spanish final i'd been cramming for; i figured i'd do pretty well after all the time i spent studying. so i get there, tired as hell, get seated and wait for the test. there's a delay, so i'm sitting there trying to keep myself from dosing off due to general tiredness during the wait. after some time i finally get the test, and the first section is the listening section i'm sure most of you remember. the teacher would read a story aloud and we'd have to answer a multiple choice question about it. this stuff was easy to me, but she would reread each story before moving on, which gave me nothing to do for like 3 minute intervals. eventually it's like the 5th question, i'm sick of waiting and i just lay my head down on the desk until the next question. next thing you know i lift my head up all groggy-eyed and look around the room. the teacher isn't standing up reading anymore and everyone is working silently. i look to the clock and realize 30 minutes had passed. i somehow managed to fall asleep and miss the rest of the reading section; not only that, i'd been asleep for 30 minutes and no teacher felt the need to wake me up. so i looked down at my test to do damage control and try and make up for what i missed, when i notice in the corner of my eye a bump. i look down in horror to realize i had massive morning wood from the nap. i was wearing shorts and there was a very visible erection going on down there. i wish it was the pattern in the shorts creating an illusion, but no. so i imagine what everyone else saw. they saw a kid sleeping during the exam with an erection. i tried my best to hide it once i realized, but i knew that people saw and i'm pretty sure they weren't going to talk about it (but they would shame me in their minds). in hindsight, maybe they didn't want to wake me up because i had an erection? who knows? all i know was it was embarrassing as hell and i avoided my spanish teacher for the rest of my time at that high school. also yes i miraculously managed to score in the 80s.

fell asleep during an exam and woke up realizing i had a very visible erection that was probably seen by many people. at least i passed. :)

falling asleep in spanish

people of tifu, i hit a damn barn. at work i was pulling an old flat-bed work truck from one of our fleet-customers, out of our shop. it was in for some maintenance work before the plowing season this winter. i backed it out of the garage bay, put it back in drive, started turning to squeeze it between the shop and the barn, and started to accelerate. as far as i could tell, by watching the corner of the barn, and the mirrors, i had enough room to squeeze through. bam. i clipped the corner of the barn with the corner of the flatbed. i backed it up, made enough room, and squeezed back through. i parked the truck, looked at the corner of the barn and the truck, and there was no serious damage to either. i mean, we're talking a steel flatbed, and some corrugated steel and wood. i was really embarrassed, and i was ashamed, so i just worked the rest of the day pretending it never happened. well my boss heard it, and now he doesn't know what to do about it.

; clipped a barn at work, was to embarrassed to tell anyone. boss heard it happen, might fire me.

hitting a barn.

i'm a student web developer and my boss was put in charge of creating a system to track incoming students for one of the colleges in my university that would enable student recruiters to more effectively reach out to students. this quickly became exclusively my job, and has become more and more complex as time has gone on. we're talking about a 40-50 page web system with tens of thousands of lines of code behind it. unfortunately i have recently had to take two weeks off due to a surgery and the deadline for the system to be finished was during that time. it looks like they went ahead and just scrambled some bits together at the end and started using it. part of the system is a sub-system to help student recruiters to call students by pulling up the name and number of a student to call who has not yet been called. at some point, this shifted into a system for student recruiters to use to make acceptance calls. here's the fuck up - i never added a checker to see if the student being called had been accepted. so tonight the system went live (without anyone else looking at it i suppose) and student workers began calling students and congratulating them on their acceptance.. until: >hello student a, this is student recruiter b calling from university c to congratulate you on your acceptance to the college of d! >uhm, hi student recruiter b, i haven't applied yet but awesome! >ohshit.jpg then i got a call from my boss and now i'm waiting to see if he's going to come pick me up to fix it (still recovering from surgery and can't drive) **

**: anyone with a phone number in a system i built for a college at the university i go to is getting a call tonight congratulating them on their acceptance, accepted or not, because i forgot 6 lines of code.

causing non-accepted students to receive acceptance calls

i'm not trying to outdo any of the other tifu stories here, but this just happened to me five minutes ago. i don't know about anyone else, but occasionally, i get huge... er.. zits inbetween my legs, not at my crotch, but on my inner thighs. sometimes these things get massive, like to the point that i'm worried i'll have staph. i know this doesn't seem like it has anything to do with what the title says, but i'll get there. anyway, i'd found one of these on my leg (not hard to do... they hurt like a bitch, so i know when i have one.) and pulled my shorts down to try and pop it. it swole up, huge. so i tried to take my knife to pop that so it would bleed. after about 5 minutes of this, i realized how it would look if someone were to walk in with me in front of my computer while i had my shorts down, so i quickly stood up and pulled them up, but unbeknownst to me, i had apparently knocked my chair over backwards, and as i tried to sit back down, it looked like a scene straight from the three stooges. i landed on my ass, and my head hit one of the legs on the chair. i was fortunate enough that no one saw me.

tried to pop a crotch zit, became the fourth stooge.

trying to sit down.

let me just start off my saying i work very hard for any money that comes my way. i babysit up to 6 kids at any time, watching 2 children full time. i am severely underpaid though. i get maybe 20 dollars every few weeks, no matter how often i babysit. (thanks mom) it's incredibly frustrating to try to save up for things, let alone go out anywhere without wanting something. i finally, after many weeks saved up enough to get some clothes i had been dying to get. super excited, i go online and pick out all the clothes i want during this great sale. 70 dollars worth of stuff, holy shiet. so exciting. i checkout, go through paypal because it's easier, and i don't have my own credit card. autofill thinking whatevs, the name is right, the number is right, city is right, is awl good. days pass. still waiting. da fuq. i go to the paypal account, everything looks goo-oh my god. wrong address. same city, wrong fucking address. ring up dat ol' paypal. it's obviously too late to change the address, but meh, i'll just call my old apartment complex and let them know what happened. i explain what happened, they say they'll look for it and call me. yay! wrong. it didn't arrive in a box. instead the mailman (i'm assuming) shoved it into some tiny ass mailbox and gave it to whoever lives in that apartment now. i call the place i ordered the clothes from to see if there's anything i can do. no insurance on the package, can't do shit. i hope that whoever lives in that apartment is damn happy having such amazing clothes.

i gifted some random person 70 dollars worth of clothing, which i worked very hard to be able to afford. crying.

letting paypal auto fill my info

so this happened a couple of hours before. we (me and my family) are on a cemetery (in my country we go there if its nov.1). so we are having fun, like joking etc. at the same time, this youngest son of my cousin is very hypertensive, like run here, run there, play here, and play there. at that time there are so many people and it is so easy to loss a kid (especially 3yrs old). then this kid suddenly loss in our sight. his godparent whom his auntie also. run like hell to the direction where she last saw him running. we never thought that he was on the 2nd floor of our mausoleum. then when she returned and ask us if we found him, someone whom behind me says "no, no, he hasn't found yet". then the little jerk inside of me suddenly came out without notice. i also yelled the same words with matching pointing out the place where she ran to. then she ask again if he was already found. then i repeated it again. that time i didn't know she wasn't on a very good mood because her favorite nephew whom she was also a godparent is currently mia (i know, i get very insensitive sometimes). then someone behind me said he was there on the upper level. from there it got out of hand and it blows up like a bomb. she yelled that its not a joke if someone is missing and i was in the front and the one whom everyone can blame. then she erupted like a volcano, i never saw her like that. i froze that moment and processing the things i did. she got red and crying out loud and saying things. her brother burst mild laugh then she yelled that he is also to blame and cursed at him. at that time i was sweating like a pig. i feel like i was inside of an oven or even worst i was burning in hell because of i did. then my cousin whom the mother is got mad at her and scolded her because the way she is acting at that moment. because of that i feel even worst. she was scolded because of being to much caring. until now i can't look at her and talk to her. i really feel guilty. :(

we are having fun, tried to made a joke to my cousin that our nephew is still missing, she found out, yelled and crying while scolding us whom literally focused to me, cursed at her brother who laugh mildly. she got scolded by the mother because the way she is acting. and i'm sweating like a pig. and everyone is blaming me.

fooling around

so i'll start by saying i'm totally straight. me and my dad usually have political arguments. daily actually. well often it gets down to views on human rights. gay marriage. well when it gets down to this i usually flip shit. i admit, i get out of control but he literally says shit like, "well if we let the gays marry, then people are going to want to marry their car!" actual dad quote by the way. well anyways today, when i went off, i said, "if straight people can marry, why can't we?!" shit got silent there. i tried to correct myself with, "they," but he just said yep and walked away. needless to say he's ignored me for the rest of last night.

tried to defend gays to conservative dad, told him i was gay.

telling my conservitive father i'm gay.

this happened yesterday afternoon. i got up after only about 3 hours of sleep, feeling rather shitty. my wife and brother-in-law were prepping the house for the halloween party we had planned, and i was tasked with making the sweet tea. nothing to difficult, as i'm the designated sweet tea brewer most of the time. i set about making the tea, and my wife tells me to use the glass dispensers we had been gifted for our wedding. this is where i made a series of stupid mistakes. the tea reached boiling point, so i took it off the stove and set it aside to steep for a few minutes. i left the kitchen to go to the bathroom, came back and forgot to pour ice in the dispenser. i also forgot that one of the two dispensers had a fine crack toward the bottom, near the nozzle. i poured the hot tea into the cracked dispenser, and heard a resounding crack! thinking i had bounced the pot off the rim, i stopped to check things out. deciding all was well, i filled the remainder of the dispenser with water and finally noticed a small puddle of tea forming around the bottom of the dispenser. realizing what had happened, i lifted the dispenser to move it into the sink and was soaked from the waist down in hot tea, flooding the counter, stove and floor in the process. the hairline crack near the nozzle had spread all the way around the bottom of the dispenser, so when i tried to move it, the bottom stayed put while the rest of the glass came free in my hands.

i poured hot tea into a giant cracked glass dispenser, broke the bottom off when i tried to move it and flooded my kitchen and soaked my pants in said tea.

pouring boiling hot tea into a cracked glass container

earlier today, i was playing pokemon x in my room when my big brother comes in and starts to trash talk my pokemon team. he was just joking, and we got to joke-trash-talking each other. we started wrestling. well, during the fight, i accidentally kneed him…. really, really hard… right in his… berries. o__o he spent the next fifteen minutes lying on my bed in pain. being a good little sister, i offered to let him kick me in the cooch or punch my boobs. he said he will… but he's not telling me when. now he keeps faking me out, acting like he's going to kick me and making me flinch. walking around the house is like a survival horror game. i fell down twice trying to avoid his fake vag kicks. it's nuts.

accidentally hit my big bro in his no-nos, and now i live in fear of retaliation. scariest halloween ever.

now my vagina is worried

so basically. it's new years. yay! i went out for the first time. i'm 20 and my folks let me go to my friend's house party which ended up being a total disaster due to someone inviting high school kids. okay so after new years i'm looking for poon meanwhile carefully making sure i don't go near jailbait. i finally found the girl. the house owner who's my best friend really will stick out for me no matter what happens so i said, "fck it." or as the kids say, "yolo." i talk to this girl downstairs and as it turns out she goes to a university close to mine. she was really cute but i began making up who i was because i didnt want her to know who i am. i said i'm 21 (i look really young, ugh) when i'm actually 20. i told her i'm a third year at this university when i'm a high school fuck up going to community college... and i played it smooth by taking her upstairs to my friend's guest room. by now i was saying i'm his step brother etc. she began to ask me for id. i refused to give it to her, excuses, more excuses, and ugh. it was bad. so i get on the bed thinking she'd follow my league, she doesnt, i try to nudge to get her to go, and i realized that by now she thinks i'm a lying creep. okay, i probably was acting like one but i was just trying to get it in. anyway, she pulls out her phone and goes downstairs. i knew it was over so i sat in the guest room in remorse. i made up so much stuff that i even told her my real name. i deactivated my facebook tonight in case she tries to search me up. i have a twitter but no say she'll find me, nor my tumblr, or instagram. i also told my friend (house owner) to never speak of this again. i feel as though i need to hide within the shadows.

i fucked up my first day of 2013 by making some girl think i'm a creep rapist.

so i'm at a friend's new years party

so, let's go back in time, back when little ol' me was about six years old. .. it was near midnight and the house was quiet, save for the pitter-patter of tiny feet in the hallway. i was waddling my way into the bathroom; i think i had too much to drink at dinner, and now my juice had come to pass. so i pushed open the door and raised the toilet lid, which wasn't very far in retrospect (there was a towel draped across the tank). and in mid-stream, the inevitable came to pass... ***crash*** for those of you who figured it out earlier: you were correct. the toilet seat fell from it's unstable towel-perch and slammed down on my dick. i don't remember much of what happened later, aside from falling asleep on the way to the hospital to make sure my dick wasn't broken.

a toilet seat smashed my dick when i was six.**

taking a nighttime piss.

i used some of [this](http://www.amazon.com/unknown-daves-insanity-sauce/dp/b0007wuoum/ref=sr_1_4?ie=utf8&qid=1372962972&sr=8-4&keywords=dave%27s+insanity+sauce) stuff to give my tuna sandwich a little bit of a kick around an hour ago. come time for a trip to the bathroom prior to leaving for my shift, i discover that apparently still had some on my hands. unfortunately for me, my discovery came via my genitals lighting up like the vegas strip, burning up from that lovely capsaicin. ten minutes later, that stuff still stings like hell, and the start of work is going to be really awkward.

hot-sauce that can be used to strip the wax off your floors should be kept away from genitalia at all times.

getting dave's insanity sauce in my dick.

so, i decided it was time to wash the sheets. i have dryer issues so by the time i was ready for bed i was still sheetless. i went downstairs to a closet where i keep a bunch of climbing gear and military gear and pulled an old sheet out of the bottom of the pile of shit that is that closet. yeah, the sheet seemed kind of dirty, but i was too tired to look at it closely. so i get into bed with the sheet over me and decide it's time for my nightly fap. i start noticing a little prickly feeling bout the time i start going for it. i convince myself that it's the sharp ends from the feathers in my bedtopper. those poke me a lot. it also kinda feel like something is crawling on my legs. i kept swatting at them and rubbing them together to make it stop but i continued fapping. maybe it was just pieces of grass that fell off some of my gear into the sheet and was poking me. either way it's uncomfortable so i'll be looking into it after i fap. but i continue fapping. finally i reach the big finish and jump out of bed to clean up. then i grab the sheet and pull it off the bed. in my bed i notice an ant writhing around, obviously wounded by my scratching or leg rubbing. then i notice another and another. then i scratch my ass and realize i'm scratching an ant bite. it's one of several. i picked about 8 ants out of the bed and i'm sure more were still in the sheet. wtf why re ants in a sheet? i don't know. i'll probably be inspecting that closet today. oh and to make things just a touch worse i was washing the sheets because my parents are coming into town and i wanted them to have a nice bed to sleep in. now they may sleep with ants. **

that's how you get ants.****

sleeping with multiple partners and they were all biters.

i know its not puking, shitting, or fucking my best friends sister, but damn it, its like someones sister raped me while shitting on my oatmeal. i just got a job after basically being homeless for a bit, and bumming around living with my girlfriend's parent, i got a job working for an awesome company. they have a 401k program, and trying to be a responsible adult i decide to sign up for it. the first sign up went bad, since not all my data was collected, and i got a call about it, so after 25 tries later, it went through. a solid 1% contribution to a roth ira, with semi-annual increases by 1% topping out at 6%. 50% going to the ira and the rest of that going to stocks/bonds/etc. that was two weeks ago. fast forward to today. no one's said anything about my 401k or paycheck, and let me tell you, i am hungry for that money. in the days leading up to payday, refreshing the page every 20 - 30 minutes, just waiting for it to show up pending. about 330 am hits, pay stub is in the system. i'm on it like white on rice. thinking of all the things i'm going to be able to do. *"i'ma pay rent, i'ma buy food at the actual grocery store, i'ma fuckin throw away all that ramen because* ***fuck ramen*** *... i got money."* of course, i'm already logged in and i look at the juicy details. *"gross pay, ~1000... nice... uncle sam gets 250, whateves... that leaves me with... ~300 dollars?* ***what?!****"* i look it over once more, a little more carefully. that 401k ira shows up on my check... 50% out. **bam**, thats it. ~600, just up and out of my hands. i have enough to pay rent, and then go buy ramen. as it turns out, that 50% i thought was for the ira was actually 50% of my check. i had an advisor walking me through the process, and he even said that was correct! *"50% is substantially enough for your ira."* what i understand now is he just jedi mind tricked me into investing way too much. fml, i fucked up. hard.

50% of first paycheck is waiting for me when i retire. i need to go stir my ramen.**

trying to plan for the future

i work midnights at a gas station so i'm the only one there on most nights. meaning i cannot afford to be late or the person i'm replacing not only gets pissed off but can risk going over on hours (god forbidden the damn place pays them an extra dollar for not clocking out on time). while getting ready with about 10mins until i had to leave i had the need to shit. and i of course made the mistake of deciding to hold it until after work (hence why i'm posting here). luckily this is not a "i shit my pants" story, i was able to make it to work and a few hours in my shift with mild discomfort but no huge problems. it was around 3am and very slow (we stop selling beer at 1am so after that its dead). i decided now was the prefect time to take my shit. about 5mins into it i heard the door ring... fuck... it was the point of no return though, they could wait a few minutes. then i heard the dreaded "hello is anyone here?!" i quickly finished up and came out. it was my bosses 20yr old spoiled bitchy brat. fuck everything. she makes a hugeass deal out of it saying she was waiting for 10 minutes (which is bullshit) and that "my mother will hear about this". she's the kind of person that overreacts to everything and hopefully my manager will understand that... hopefully

didn't take a shit before work and manager's daughter came into store while i was shitting. made hugeass deal over waiting 5 minutes.

not wanting to be late for work.

ok, so i get this friend request in the mail for one of those odd social networks with weird names with double letters in unusual places. usually, i just ignore those, but this one was perfectly translated in my mother tongue which is not terribly common, so i got intrigued and clicked on a link... so, signup, blahblah, please let us contact to your gmail to see who else do you know, i say sure, and i got presented with a list titled "these 12 people are already here, link with them", except that item number 13 on the list was titled "other". i actually saw it with the corner of my eye before clicking "ok" but it was too late... aaarrgh, 500+ emails sent to all of my gmail contacts, 3/4 of them business, dozens of mailing lists, qthe works... luckily, not too many people at work said anything, but the day has just started...

one should know better after 20 years on the internetz, not to click on every shit.**

spamming my complete addressbook with friend requests for an odd social network

i'm a blogger and associate editor for one of the big lgbt politics & culture blogs. yesterday i published a post about the hashtag #fuckcispeople trending on twitter, and it ended up being the last post of the day. now, our style guide says that we don't use "fuck" or "cunt" as the subject of posts, but i figured this would be a place where it made sense to make an exception, so the post title was ["a cis guy's perspective on #fuckcispeople"](http://www.bilerico.com/2013/08/a_cis_guys_perspective_on_fuckcispeople.php) what i *didn't* know was that the title of the last post of the day *becomes the title of the daily digest!* because "fuck" ended up in the email subject line, pretty much all of our daily digests landed in people's spam boxes, meaning that our opening traffic this morning was down **%67 off average.** and what's more, unless people manually mark as "not spam" our digests will keep landing there from here on out.

published a post at the end of the day with "fuck" in the title and landed our daily digest in everyone's spam boxes for the foreseeable future.**

cost the blog i write for %67 of its traffic

so i was there having an afternoon stroke, i finished up the job nicely as i've been away on holiday for 2 weeks the payload as to be expected was a lot larger than normal. so i finish up when all of a sudden i hear my mum coming upstairs so i quickly pull on my trousers and cover up in time she says someones at the door for me so i walk out and down to answer it and there's my friend we chat for a minute or so and he just keeps kind of looking down at me and i didn't think anything of it said i wasn't going to be out atm and went back inside... my mum took 1 look at me and went "i think you've got something on your trousers" i look down and there it was seeping through like oil in the ocean causing my light grey jeans to go darker in a little patch in the jizz affected area. instinctively i just went "oh shit" and ran off upstairs, never before have i been so embarrassed about something i haven't spoken to friend nor mother since and i'm dreading the conversation when it comes.

: my mum and friend saw my jizz patch in my jeans

answering the door

i know this sub has a lot of poop stories, but fuck it, here's one more. also, fuck throwaways. so i haven't been eating properly for the past few days. you know, lots of fast food, lots of meat and potatoes, not much green vegetables. i usually poop very day, and recently, it's been getting increasingly difficult to get it out. i knew it was because of my eating habits, but for some reason, i didn't change them. i just kept saying "at least i'm not constipated," and continuing on eating junk. then yesterday happened. i felt the familiar lump in my nethers that means it's time to drop one. i drop trow and get on the turlet. from there, it went something like this: ok. here it comes... oh, you're a big one, aren't you? that's okay, i'll just give it a little push. hnngg.... hmm. hnnggg! ***hhnnnnggg*** shit. that's when i realized the folly of my ways. why, oh why didn't i prevent this extreme discomfort? i could have! okay, okay... no use dwelling on it. i need to get through this. i pushed more and harder. there were times when i swear it was moving, but as soon as i would let up on the pressure, this giant basturd would nestle right back in my colon! it was way too late to change my mind about going; the brick was not going back up at all. it was now or never. so i did something i have never done before and will never do again. i looked around my bathroom. i was in my less used second bathroom, so all that was in there was turlet paper, a hand towel, and a bottle of antibacterial soap. i looked at the soap. desperate times call for desperate measures. i pumped a bit of soap on my fingers. i worked it around between my fingers and thumb just a little. i reached behind me and felt around a little. i touched my butthole, but i didn't feel any poop. that was weird, because it felt like i had a giant rock hard turd hanging out. so i took a deep breath... and stuck a finger in. my butt was tight, but the soap helped lube it up so i could get in there. almost instantly, i felt the basturd. it felt like a die from a board game, except twice as big. i couldn't believe i was doing this. i was feeling around inside my own butthole for shit. i tried to wiggle the basturd loose, but it was stuck. so i went a little deeper, past the basturd, and felt even more shit! this shit was more than ready to come out, but the basturd was blocking the way! i had to get it out, but it still wasn't moving, so i stuck my thumb in there too. as of now, i had my index finger and my thumb inside my butt. it was terrible. i worked my thumb around one side of the basturd, and my finger around the other, and tried to wiggle it. it still refused to budge! so i braced myself and pulled. remember how i said it felt like a die? well, as it finally came out, i felt the corners of it popping past my circular rectum, and it dropped into the turlet. it was out! hallelujah! as soon as it came out, the rest of the shit train came barreling out behind it. i have never felt so good in my entire life. after i wiped, i tried to look for the basturd to see exactly what it looked like, and maybe take a picture, but it was gone. from that day forth, i have swore to never allow that to happen to me ever again! i will eat green vegetables every day, and even take colace capsules! my fingers still smell like poop, no matter how much i wash them.

allowed myself to become terribly constipated. ended up lubing my fingers up with soap, sticking them up my butt, and pulling the shit out. never again.

letting myself get constipated

i love sunny d. it's sweeter than orange juice and reminds me of being a younger child. i decided to pick some up from the store, and i proceeded to drink it all in that day. (but not at one time) shortly after, i got awful stomach pains after i finished the jug and proceeded to throw up. i love sunny d soo much, that two or three weeks later i bought some more at the store, thinking the last time i drank it and got sick was from something unrelated, and proceeded it drink it all in the same day again. after everybody had went to sleep and i was laying in bed, the same awful stomach pains returned and i proceeded to violently throw up on the floor and my bed. **

** i love sunny d, but it's bad.

drinking sunny d.

i had just moved house to a lovely close knit neighbourhood and naturally had about a million boxes of crap to sort through. this morning i woke up, threw on my fluffy pink dressing gown and continued like i had done for the past few days, just sorting through junk from my old house. in one of the boxes though i stumbled across my darth vadar rollerblades i had as a kid. i’m a girl and they were given to me by my older brother but i didn’t care, it felt like i spent my entire childhood whizzing along down the streets at top speeds of 5mph, grazing my knees and flying into bushes. i got incredibly nostalgic and naturally i excitedly tried them on right then and there. they were a bit of a tight fit but they were adjustable so i managed to get to them on. i haven’t got any carpet laid down yet so there i was skating around my house going on a little nostalgia trip. it was magical. after about 10 minutes i figured i should take them off but why not just keep them on? i was certainly able to move things around quicker from room to room, plus it was pretty fun. i ended up 2 hours later sat in front of the tv with some alphabetti spaghetti, too lazy to bother taking the skates off… when i heard a knock at the back door. now here’s where i should mention how my house is laid out. i was in the lounge sat in the armchair with my back to the window. my house kind of curves around and so if someone is at the backdoor, they would be standing right next to that window. in my old neighbourhood i wasn’t used to people walking around to the back door unless they were friends. but this was a whole different place where people not only come round the back but walk into your house uninvited too as i had learned the few days previous when i nearly assaulted my poor elderly (albeit trespassing) neighbour who informed me that it’s just what people do here?! so here is where i am fucked. someone is at my back door (which is open – inviting to these friendly trespassing neighbours) and here i am – a woman in her mid 20's sat in a furry dressing gown at midday eating alphabetti spaghetti with darth vadar rollerblades on. the person can see through the window, they can see my head, they know i’m home. i can’t ignore them. it’s only a matter of time before they simply walk through the door and my bizarre recently adopted childish habits are revealed. ok, what are my options? i’m running out of time. i have to act fast. i looked down at my skates - both double tied with velcro and 4 straps. god damn these things would take way too long to remove. i had to consider my other options at this point. plan a. i can pretend to be a statue. if i stay really still they might think i’m a mannequin or something. but then if they come in they will see a woman in her mid 20's not only wearing rollerblades but also pretending to be a statue. plan b? i can pretend to be deaf. could work although i’d have to pretend to be deaf until i moved house which would require an awful lot of effort where i’d have to learn sign language to keep up appearances. i’m too lazy. next. plan c. man up? just man the fuck up, put down my plate of alphabetti spaghetti and skate over to that back door like i don’t give a fuck. could work. they might think i’m kooky and eccentric. it could become a humourus story among the neighbours about how carefree and hilarious i am. i could become elevated to high status within the community and all the old people would love me and bring me baked goods and i’d never have to buy an oven. or more likely they think i’m totally fucking weird and i become the outcast of the street and nobody would agree to take in my endless amazon orders while i’m out. as i’m scanning through increasingly bizarre solutions in my head i realise i’ve wasted too much time. “hello?” i hear a man say… from the kitchen. yes, the man has walked into the house and is now literally a few feet away from my feet. my plastic red and black wheel covered feet. so which option should i go for? a, b or c? i surprised myself and ended up going for a plan i didn’t know existed until i chose it. plan d. get up as fast as you can and skate the fuck out of there before he sees. i don’t know what stupid brain cell made me choose that option. as if i could fucking discreetly skate out of a room in which the man was now in the doorway, watching as a pink ball of fluff slams her skates across her hardwood floor to the other door into the next room in a desperate attempt to escape humiliation. there was no turning back now. he had seen. he had heard. he knew my secret and he knew i had tried to hide it from him. i couldn’t go back and face him now. it’s too late. it was over. i skated to the corner of the room and hid behind a box in vain hope he wouldn’t follow me in. he didn’t. instead he said “uhm… just wanted to welcome you to the neighbourhood…let me know if you need anything…” and left. and to add insult to injury, as i sat there among the boxes, deep with burning shame in my darth vadar life destroyers, he walked past the window and looked in and saw me. so... what am i gonna do about my amazon orders now?

found some old darth vadar roller skates, wore them, neighbour caught me roller skating away from him in deep shame.

getting nostalgic.

it's friday evening and i'm stuck in school in drama boosters. having finished my work i was re-reading some attack on titan manga while everyone got on with their work. since we were working in a different room that was adjacent to our normal room, you could just about see that the lights were on. my teacher questioned this, and me being the helpful guy i am told her i'd go and turn it off. i walk in without checking and right there in the middle of the room is my friend who was right in the middle of kissing his girlfriend. they freeze, i freeze. me being the socially awkward person i am, i mumble something about the lights and switch them off, leaving them in total darkness, then nope'd the fuck out of there, cheeks ablaze what makes it worse is that they're both really good friends of mine and are in the majority of my classes, to add insult to injury i came in later when his girlfriend had left to apologise but the words didn't seem to form. fuck. t if you're reading this, i'm so fucking sorry

i'm a major cockblock.

offering to turn off the lights

thanksgiving at the in-laws'. kids were playing hide and seek. i stepped into the closet and stripped down to my bra to change my shirt for dinner. when i left the closet, the kids were still looking for 16 year old nephew. found him in the closet that i was just in. edit: we are related by marriage, not blood.

i flashed my nephew.

changing my top in a closet where my 16 year old nephew was hiding.

it's still thanksgiving in the us. but now i've woken up from something shameful. i'm studying abroad, and yesterday (thanksgiving) our abroad group had no classes and a group potluck feast. i got up bright and early to start preparing, also started drinking. long story short, i passed out two hours before the feast and woke up two and a half hours after it started. i sat up in bed shouting "shit, shit, shit," fretted for a few minutes, resolved to go anyway. i managed to cook half of the green beans before i passed out, so i brought them, and a bottle of sake too. i was still drunk and everyone could tell. i sat in the corner pigging out, ashamed of myself, consoled by my drunk friends and by the free beer.

drank too early, too quickly, arrived two and a half hours late to school sponsored thanksgiving, sauced and sour, with half a tray of green beans and a bottle of sake.

getting drunk on thanksgiving

it's a bit of a long story, but bear with me. this thanksgiving, after my sister's persuasion, i decided to go to her family's house, since everyone else was going to be going there. i would be there all week, and i didn't want to leave my pet hamster, buddy, alone for the holidays, so i brought him with me all the way up to chilly montana. my sister's daughter (who is three) absolutely feel in love with buddy. she'd play with him, feed him, and hug him. she'd even asked me to bring his cage into her room, which i agreed so long as she never took him out unless there was an adult to watch. now, a few hours ago, she was put to bed while the rest of the family would be out in the family room, enjoying the later hours of this day of feasting. her room always got cold, and when the girl woke up to use the restroom, she looked over to see my hamster shivering. like any three year old with an astute concern for life, she decided it would be a good idea to warm buddy up by throwing him in the microwave. now this would be breaking the one rule i gave her, but she would see it as saving the poor hamster from the freezing temperatures of the house. so here i am, in the family room, far from the kitchen, when i hear a ***pop*** followed by a scream. the hamster exploded within 42 seconds of putting him in there. his blood, gore, and fur lined the window, with the bones jutting into the plastic frame of the microwave. i've spent to past few hours cleaning up his remains. my friends, never trust a young kid with your pets. rip buddy **edit:** fixed some minor things like "in-laws" and "sister's family" because i apparently forgot the damn difference.

my niece threw my hamster into the microwave and caused him to explode.

trusting a three year old with my hamster.

so today i decided for the first time to try to shave my pubic hair. i hadn't shaved it before, so the hairs were quite long. i tried going for it with the razor, but it wasn't working too well because the long hairs would get stuck in the blade. i decided to get some scissors and trim down the hairs first. when i trimmed them, i would pull them taught to avoid cutting myself. all was going well until i decided to get to the hairs on my scrotum. after a few snips i suddenly felt a stinging pain in my ballsack. when i first looked down i didn't see blood, so i thought i was okay. i pulled away the hairs to dispose of them and attached to one i saw a little piece of flesh stuck onto the end. i looked down and then saw that i had started bleeding. it took about 10 minutes to get the bleeding to stop, but i'm okay now. it wasn't too deep, it was just really painful, as well as terrifying knowing that i had just cut off some of my scrotum.

i was trimming my pubic hair and accidentally cut off a small piece of my scrotum.

accidentally cutting off part of my scrotum with a pair of scissors. [nsfw]

okay to preface, this actually happened a little bit ago, but nonetheless is a great account of the accidents that happen when you work in a warehouse. so, one day at work i was lugging around my scanner, they are these fat ancient things called geminis. they are overly bulky, probably weighing a bit over a pound. i have to walk with this thing in my arms for 10-12 hours a day, so at times, you will drop your scanner, your elbow will cramp up, or something else that happens when you do repetitive motion with a light weighted object. well one day while working i had to load some product into a tote to go off to shipping. normal daily stuff for a picker. so i dropped what must have been 20 pounds of books into the tote with the scanner in my hand. when i did this my arm recoiled back up and into my face. i saw fucking black spots for a second like what normally happens when you hit your nose...but i didn't just hit my nose. i hit my lip. i get that taste of blood in my mouth, the special one that only happens when you get teeth drilled or you fuck your mouth up bad. i take my hand and press it to my lips when i pull my hand back i look at my glove, and yep...there's a shit ton of blood. i take my glove off as to not alert hr to my tremendous idocy, i tuck in my bottom lip, i walk to the bathroom after unloading tote, look into the mirror, and find a pool of blood dripping out my mouth. i kept blotting my face, like it would help, i managed to get it cleaned up enough to see my bottom lip went straight into my teeth. a split line remained. i hide in stall, manage to get the bleeding down to a reasonable level and head off to lunch. i show my best friend who worked there and two words came out of his mouth "dumb ass". i decided to walk off with my tail between my legs, ask for the second half of the day off from hr, they gave it to me, i didn't give a reason. i now have a permanent scar of the line of my teeth on my bottom lip.

i used to be a picker like you until i took a gemini to the face.

taking a gemini scanner to the face

so yesterday, i had an essay due for my english class. naturally, i worked on it the morning it was due, emailed the progress to myself and decided to finish it during my class break. so during my class break i head to the computer lab and i'm all inspired to write, i polish my final draft, it's a beautiful analysis of carls jr commercials, works cited is actually completed and done perfectly in mla format. it's the best thing i've ever written, the conclusion is brilliant, i'm so proud of it. so it's about 5 minutes before my class starts, i hit ctrl+s about 5 times like a paranoid parrot, and i close the word document file thinking it's gotta be saved somewhere. so my plan is to email it to myself, so i can quickly go and add money to print card, then come back and print it. well, as soon as i close it i get a bad feeling. i try to do the attachment and i can't find it. i go through every folder frantically searching for my masterpiece. nothing. i open up word to see if i can pull up some "recent" files. empty. i panic, go over to the help desk almost in tears and the guy isn't able to help me out. i end up spending my english class time re-writing it from the draft i emailed myself that morning, but it just wasn't the same.... to top it off, when i got to my car that evening, i realized that my usb drive (to which i saved my second final draft to and to which my keys are attached to) was somewhere in the computer lab. luckily, when i went back 3 hours later, they were still stuck in the computer.

didn't properly save a masterpiece, re-wrote it as shit.

deleting my final draft 2 minutes before it was due.

this woman is nearly 40, i'm 18. she's a friend of my boyfriend's family, she drove him to the hospital once when he busted his face open when he was 7. she also happens to work with me. now, i'm sure most of you have seen or heard of that video going around about beyonce being satanist. well, she shared it on facebook and i hate seeing people fall for stupid lies, so i watched it and listed some of the things that were incorrect in the video. she didn't like that. she posted on my wall something about how everything i post on fb is not good, and since she's had problems with my statuses before (she went around at work telling anyone who would listen how rude i am) i replied that that was fine and it was probably for the best. a friend of mine commented "you only think her posts are not good because you disagree with most of them". that made her mad at me for some reason. she sent me a long message about how rude i am, how i only think the video is wrong because i'm atheist and i need to stop pushing my beliefs onto people (never once did i say anything about god, satan, atheism, or anything about any religion being false, nor have i ever talked to her about my religious beliefs). she called me a "smart ass little know it all" and told me that she had no time for my "childish finger pointing" (never said anything about her either, only corrected the false "facts" in the video). this woman is twice my age and starting stupid drama over meaningless things. i'm not worried about her trying to make my boyfriend break up with me, he wouldn't over something like that and he agrees with me about the video. i'm just a bit peeved because she might try to start something with me the next time we work together or something. she's not very smart so i guess she thinks she can intimidate me because of her age, i don't want trouble but i won't let her talk down to me. i need to learn to pick my battles... edit: someone requested to see the message, i should've posted it originally, sorry. i also apologize for the shitty quality and such, my phone and computer don't get along, and i have no internet on my computer right now. http://imgur.com/2n87juj http://imgur.com/ryhndci http://imgur.com/tthskof

made a middle-aged woman with elementary school mental capabilities mad, even though i still have to deal with her on a regular basis.

pissing off a friend of my boyfriend's family

last night i was feeling pretty lazy about dinner so i figured i'd keep it simple and make a sandwich. it wasn't until i was cleaning up the kitchen after eating that i noticed these large mold spots and condensation inside the bag of bread i just used. the bread had an expiration date of about half a month ago. i hadn't seen any mold on the bread i used so i figured i'd be fine. cue 3am wake up call via lower intestine. the next 3 hours were spent in the bathroom vacating everything within my system.

i need to go the grocery store more often**

eating moldy bread

i was at a fast-food place with my friend and there was a guy working the counter. we decided to buy something and try and start a conversation with him, so i got a slushie. (it's one of those places where they give you a cup and you take it to a machine and push the flavor you want and the drink comes out) as i start to fill up my cup i was watching the guy at the counter and not my cup, which i was currently filling up with bright red slushie. i was jolted back to reality when i felt the cold slushie on my hand and looked down to see i had not only over-filled the cup, but flooded some of the counter and dumped it on myself. in my panic to quickly clean up the mess i stuck the straw and cap on the drink but it was already so full that i caused more slushie to spill out everywhere and as i tried to mop up to mess with napkins i spilled the entire cup everywhere. the guy from the counter had to come out with a mop and after apologizing i fled from the store with my face redder than the slushie and my dignity somewhere in the mop bucket.

embarrassment, mops, and soggy dignity.

in front of an attractive stranger.

for the past six months i've been plagued by a terrible case of scabies. i have tried everything to get rid of them.. washing everything i own multiple times, the medicine the doctors give you, tea tree oil, neem oil, borax powder on my clothes.. etc, etc. you get it. so today. the next magic trick to get rid of the little buggers was to very carefully, and very stupidly, pour half a bottle of cayenne pepper into a hot bath. no big deal, right? wrong. within 45 seconds of lowering my itching body into the red vat of pepperous lava that awaited my delicate skin, my body exploded into the hottest and most painful thing i have ever experienced. not to mention the fact that my vagina just turned into a ghost pepper's worst nightmare. i don't know what i was expecting.. but the words "most people who use it place large amounts of cayenne into a hot bath, remaining there until the water is cold." were a little misleading. i need to go pour 5 gallons of milk into my bath tub and hope that it can stop the burning before i eat some ghost peppers to cool down.

tried every remedy for scabies, thought a cayenne pepper bath would kill them off, basically lit my entire body on fire trying to "soak" in the bath.

taking a bath

in need of a change i decided to go from dark brown hair to a light blonde and bright orange colour combo. bleaching went fine albeit damaging to my hair but it'll recover. now comes the orange. not realizing just how concentrated this colour was when i dripped onto my shoulder i thought nothing of it left it for a second because i had gloves on. when i finished and went to wipe it off it revealed [this](http://imgur.com/3ime9ro) a three inch, misshapen, ejaculating penis. i've tried all the home remedies but it's sticking. oh ya and i potentially start a new job this week. **edit:** when cleaning everything up i also managed to practically throw the bottle against the white bathroom door so i just had to add repainting into my list of things to do today

i dripped hair dye into a bright orange jizzing dick stain on my shoulder

dying my hair.

i have two roommates where i live and last night one of them wasn't home. me and my other roommate had a few drinks and, wow, what do you know: there's my roommates computer sitting in the corner. all of us knew what had to be done. log in, mess with facebook. it's a bold move, but we had to see if it would pay off. we changed multiple parts of our dear roommates facebook page, but the cream of the crop was liking the page "penis enlargment". the consensus was in: we were geniuses. fast-forward to around 3 pm today. my roommate calls me and tells me "my 84 year old grandmother saw that i liked penis enlargement and started crying. i have a message from my dad and i need you assholes to fix the problem now. you got on my computer last night, so i know you can do it today." woops.

grandmothers don't like penis enlargement for their grandsons.

making my roommate's 84 year old grandmother cry.

so i'm on spring break her parents go to her brothers baseball game that's an hour away but take separate cars. i sneek into her house anyways and we enjoy some alone time for the first time in 2 months. we're good, we're cuddling and the garage door opens. scrabble to get on clothes success. but no time to get down stairs. fuck. so now i'm hidding in her closet behind her clothes till her mom: a goes to the store, b walks the dog, or c parents dad and brother come home and fall asleep around 10. help? (ignore the grammar/spelling/punctuation i'm on my phone and fingers are still twitchy with adrenaline.) update 1: her kindle chargers long enough to reach my phone so that's a plus but i have to take a mad post sex piss. update 2: yay her dad and brother are back too... at least her dog's not giving me up update. 3 go a head and fuck me. her dad came into.her room into the corner with the closet and looked around he's suspicious and came literally within inches of finding me. chaining me up in the basement. and fucking me with a splintery piece of wood. i want to.come clean and be honest but i think it's too late for that. update: 4 have a bottle to piss in and move the shoe from under me without banging into the wall. that's better. 2 more hours and i should be safe. 5: filled that bottle to the top and feel a lot better update 6 it's all over she found me told me to get out of her house wouldn't say anything else to.me just to leave. idk what happens next. sorry guys. update 7: first off i realize how ridiculous it sounds for a guy in college to hide from his girlfriends parents. her parents vary much want to believe their daughter is a darling pure angel. and she is but she's not 7 years old any more... they haven't accepted that so i wont be allowed to see her for a while. also at first we were really banking on the fact that her mom would step away and i'd get out before her dad/brother got home like i was never there and avoid the whole thing. but that didn't happen and it was to late so siting there waiting seemed to be the best answer because if i had come clean we'd be in the same situation. she's not responding to me but her mom texted me essentially that we fucked up, lost her trust, and i can't see her for a while. again with most parents we wouldn't be in this situation. her parents are not the average parents. i'll update again when i hear from her again... ** update 8: alright guys so gf got back in touch with me and turns out her nosy neighbor saw me walk into the house, knew her parents were out, and called her mom. seriously i know this sounds like i'm dating a child but that's what happened. that's her mom and neighbor for you. so her mom knows i'm in the house, drives home and asks my gf if i was there. she of course lied which we now know was the wrong thing to do. coming clean right then would have still fucked us over but at least we wouldn't have lied about it. problem is we didn't know she knew and were hoping she'd be gone in 10 minutes then i could leave. this has happened once before and her mom got what she came for then left. i got out of the house asap with out a problem last time and we hung out the next day. if this story didn't have any bat shit crazy in it i wouldn't have posted it. i'm going over tomorrow to apologize in person, come clean, and try to retain what ever man i have left in me. **also this is today i fucked up not today i had foresight. i fucked up.** update 9 i'm going to bed i'll probably be back tomorrow. alright guys another update/clarification. my gf is 18 but hasn't been for long, she's graduating from high school in a couple months. so that helps explain the situation. last update for a while from a comment reply that's probably buried at the bottom of this: " sorry so basically her mom's mad at me and i'm not allowed over for a while. i'm 300 miles away anyways so it's really not a huge deal and will probably blow over before my last exam. i went over to her house saturday to apologize to the mom (both our families were busy thursday/friday) but she wouldn't open the door or speak to me so that was that. i sent a letter in the mail should come any day... hopefully time will heal this and they will realize their daughter isn't a child any more and what we did really isn't surprising. it's damn near expected i'd go see there daughter when ever i got the chance. ohh also she doesn't think we were doing anything sexual. "we were just spending as much time as we could before i left since we both had lots of other things to do over break". so she's not even mad about the sex just that i was there. if i had come out when she came home i'd have my dignity but we'd be in the exact same situation. i'd just still be a man."

- i'm beta as fuck when it comes to her parents**

now i'm stuck in my girlfriends closet [help]

okay, this actually happened quite a few years ago, but since i didn't know about tifu back then, i figured i could tell it now. quick backstory, i have had ibs for most of my life. i have had more emergency stops at fast food restaurants, truck stops, and convenience stores than i count. mercifully, i've only shit my pants a few times, but this one time i'm about to recount was a fucking doozy. a friend of my husband's had an oktoberfest party, which meant a lot of greasy sausages, potato salad, homebrew beer, and food that my gi tract generally treats with extreme prejudice. i try to stay away from shit like that, but it was a party and the food was good, so i ate. i ate a lot. now, at times like this, i forget that i have ibs and go about my business not thinking of the possible consequences. so, as the dd (i wasn't drinking that night), i get in the truck, throw my sloppy drunk, half-conscious husband in the passenger seat, and get headed home. i get lost. and end up in the busy bar district of a big city on a saturday night. and then the cramps hit. the evil, horrible, cramps that hurt more than childbirth. i try to rouse my husband, and he mumbles something about parking and going into a bar and slips back into his coma. i wanted to kill him in his blissful drunkard's sleep. i felt like i was giving birth to a bowling ball out of my asshole, and he was snoring contentedly in the passenger seat, offering no help at all. there is no parking (it's packed) anywhere. any bar is going to have a bathroom line. the last thing i want to do is shit all over myself while waiting in line for an hour. there's no fast food or convenience stores for miles around. i decide to high tail it out of the city and try to make it home. or to a gas station outside of the city. anywhere. then we hit traffic. at this point, i'm crying from the pain, trying desperately to hold in the torrent of shit that wants to explode out of my ass, and screaming because traffic. is. stopped. for miles. after an excruciating half hour, i see an exit ahead. sweet freedom! there has to be gas station nearby. as i start to feel relief, i am assaulted by another round of cramps, and this time, the shit will not be contained. the hot burning shit from hell begins to exit my anus at an alarming rate. i have just shit my pants and am stuck sitting in it. mind you, i am still trying to drive while all this happens. i get off at the exit, and pull over to the side of the road (which is deserted) as fast as i can. i look in the back seat and strike gold. i have an entire box of diapers in the car. i thank god for having a small child. i figure i can divest myself of my soiled clothing, wipe up the seat, and line my ass with diapers until i can get to a bathroom. i can throw the dirty clothes and diapers in the bed of the truck and be done with it. perfect. so i get out of the truck with about 20 diapers and head off into the brush by the side of the road for privacy. at the same time, my husband awakes from his coma to puke all over the side of the road and on the truck. and that's when i see and hear the red and blue lights. fuck. i'm crouched in the bushes, my shit-filled pants are completely off, i've discarded my ruined underwear into a pile of diapers, and i'm trying to wipe as much of the poop as i can off of my legs, ass, and ladyparts with a wad of diapers. the cop stops behind the truck. i'm watching all this from the side of the road, and he doesn't see me. he came up to the truck, got a whiff, and i swear he stepped back about 5 feet. "what's going on?" he says to my husband. drunky mcdrunk responds, almost unintelligibly, "my wife is back there... (points to the brush) ...she's sick. i'm drunk. you know where a gas station is?" cop thinks about the situation, seems to make up his mind, and says, "half a mile that way, there's a gas station that's open." he practically runs to his squad car and hauls ass to get away. i stumble back to the car, forego the gas station, and drive home with no pants, covered in shit and diapers. i was shocked that the cop didn't find me and give me a breathalyzer since my obviously drunk husband said i was "sick," but my feeling is that the combined odor of booze, puke, and nuclear oktoberfest grease bomb shit threatened to make him puke, so he just got the fuck out of there instead of deal with whatever weird predicament he stumbled upon. i can see the headlines now... "soiled woman wearing diapers arrested for possible dui."

shit myself in car, pull over on the side of the road and plaster myself in diapers, cop pulls up and decides this is too weird for him, runs away.

shitting my pants and then a cop shows up

a little back story - my girlfriend and i are both 16 and this is my first major serious relationship. we've been "official" since february 26th and she's met my parents and i've met hers. so she picks me up from school today and we finished up some math and english homework together. after that my bestfriend and his girlfriend come over and we head upstairs to my room and look at yearbooks and listen to music. we eat dinner and then my friend leaves and my gf and i go downstairs and watch drive, make out here and there and then i grab a blanket because she was cold and lay it over us. the movie finishes and we start another movie with only 30 minutes until she has to go home. we start making out more and soon enough she is riding me (we still have clothes on) and i start feeling her up her shirt when all of a sudden i see a dark figure out of the corner of my right eye and my heart stops. time slows and my gf squeals and hops off and pulls her shirt back up. it was my dad. he says that he is going to leave soon and that she needs to start packing up to head home. (it was true, but he said it in a very weird way) she's laying on the couch staring and me and i'm staring at her. she was so embarrassed. i walk her to her car and tell i'm sorry and that we'll make it through this and stuff. as soon as i walk back into my house my dad is right there and talks about how she isn't allowed upstairs at all and how the room will have all of the lights on and no blanket will be covering her. he says he is dissapointed in me and i'm certain he doesn't respect me or her as much anymore. she calls her best friend (my best friend's gf) crying and now i'm trying to talk to her and tell her it's o.k. tifu

made out/felt up girlfriend, dad walked in, dad is pissed, privileges stripped, girlfriend is embarrassed and crying.

making my girlfriend cry.

i'm in vacation in california, so as always we bring our surfboards and longboards. today we were going to trestles, to get to the actual beach you have to hike a paved path(takes about 10 mins). so i bring my long board and ride it down no problem. when we were coming back (uphill) my flip flops keep falling off my feet so i took both of them off and went for it. after i made it back to ny car my feet burned and i could feel cuts all over it. at this point i already knew i fucked up big time. but i just try to forget it and drove home. by the time i got home there is a huge blister under my toes and a lot of little cuts. so now i can't surf anymore on the trip i waited a year to come.

i ruined my trip.

riding my longboard without shoes

ok, so this is how i got rid of all computers in my home. we lost our desktop computer to a virus my little bro gave it by trying to get minecrft for free. after that we had only a laptop to use as a computer. i had been on the laptop, watching youtube videos, when i decided i should make a vine of me eating a pancake with a spoon. i know, dumbass idea. i went to grab my phone, and bumped my cup full of koolaid all over the keyboard of the laptop. i panicked and try to clean up the mess with napkins, which partially worked. under later inspection, there is a protector in the keyboard, so we believe it may be the battery.

i spilled koolaid on my laptop, it doesn't work, and we don't know what to replace in it. if anyone knows a good place toget a laptop for a low price, please leave a comment

spilling koolaid on my laptop

ok so just got out of class. for the past few classes this 8/10 has sat across the lecture hall from me. i was reading a post on r/4chan, link below, when all of a sudden i realized she sat next to me today. i’m reading this post about anon fucking up with a girl when she comments about him playing pokemon. out of no where the girl said, “ah i love 4chan” did not know how to react and kept reading only to burst out laughing at the post but she thought it was at her, told me if i didn’t want her to sit next to me i could have said so and walked to the other side of the class. in the end i know this isn’t crazy but i feel like such a dumbass. r/4chan post: http://i.imgur.com/o3he8zk.png **update** got to class, sat down a bit nervously but much to my surprise a second later she sat next to me again. after a bit of silence, we start talking about 4chan, random class happenings, and the campus of which i took as the opportunity to apologize for the last class and ask if i could buy her coffee to make up for it. plus i added in so that we could talk more since i couldnt stay around after class. with out hesitation she said yes. was actually caught off guard, in a good way this time, by how smoothly it went. thankyou marblednightmare, bearbak, shdfkhskfefe, and everyone else for the advice!

hot girl approached, didn’t know if real life, just read exact scenario on 4chan and ended up pretty much reenacting it

turning 4chan into real life

dear redditors, the events that transpired took place on sunday morning but it has taken me this long to deal with the repercussions of said fuck ups. today i break the norm and put the tl;dr first. i struggle with how to tell about how the events transpired. should i post my original tifu which is scrawled on the tear stained inside cover of the book that i was reading in the airport when i decided i should post this in tifu? i promise you dear redditors that know matter how i tell this it will be worth the read. i consider this punishment for my many many poor choices. i will hold nothing back and tell you every sordid detail. i should ask is there interest in hearing how this all unfolded? edit: saturday night after a beautiful out door wedding ceremony we took the party bus to dinner where i consumed two #9's. i don't know what's in them but they were but they were pretty strong. after dinner we went back to the hotel to change into bar hopping attire where we met up with the wedding party and had shots. from there we bar hopped along bourbon street. around 3am i noticed my friend had disappeared so i figured i needed to kill a couple of more hours so my friend could have some privacy... i left the beach (fuck up number 1 ditching friends) and started heading toward canal st. i'm feeling great smiling at people loving the party atmosphere. when this woman sidles up to me and starts chatting me up. i'm like neat, two nights in a row a woman has chatted me up. (i read the game and follow seddit and i'm thinking this shit is really working). so she asks me if i want to grab a drink. i let her know that i don't buy drinks for woman its against policy. she's like its cool she can buy her own drinks. (this makes me think its legit.) so we have a couple of drinks and she's like there is a more private less loud bar around the corner where we can hear each other a bit better. as soon as we starting heading away from bourbon street (fuck up number 2) alarms start going off in my head (ignoring alarm bells fuck up #3). so i look at her and ask "are you going to kill me?" she starts laughing and puts me at ease. we head on. at the back space bar we have a couple of more drinks (this time i broke my rule and paid....). we are having a great conversation and i'm killing time so win win. she says we should go to another bar where it where its a little more private. so we move up the street the harem (fuck up #4 - yes these are the real names) and i think it says harlem because i asked her about it. any way this joint looks shady as hell. she's says it's fine and she starts having a conversation with the bar tender and i walk over and she tells me to go sit and she'll be over in a minute (i'm thinking this is strange but i'm wierdly disconnected from everything going on at this point - fuck up #5). there is this really fit woman wearing something lacy with a weird white eye at the end of the bar and i'm thinking she looks scary and manish at the same. any way she comes back over and we have a couple of more drinks. she says she's horny and she wants to fool around (i'm like sweet i'm going to score two nights in a row and have to fr's for seddit i'm the fucking man). she then says we can't go back to her hotel because her family is staying there and i'm like well bummer and good night because i got my friend sacked out in the room. she says we can go and hook up in the hotel bath room (i'm not sure why this sounded like a good idea to me at the time (fuck up #???shit i lost count). so we head back to the hotel. then she says we can't do it in the lobby bathroom we need to hit the bathroom in our room. edit: i'm pretty hesitant about this but she cajoles me into going (fuck up). my friends in the room passed out so we get in the bathroom and she says we should both wipe off since we been out and about for a bit. this sounds reasonable. so she wipes herself off and then wipes me off and starts blowing me (i'm standing in front of the door). its ok but not the best i've ever had. she says she wants to fuck now and get a condom. i grab the condom and put it on and she flicks the light off (fuck up) and bends over the counter and hikes her skirt up. the worst most rancid smell hits my nose, its like a fucking rotting corpse its so bad. my dick starts withering. i'm flashing to a scene in trainspotting or the follow up porno where spud is fucking this drunk chick who had a dried turd in her panties and then i'm thinking how am i going to extricate myself from this situation when she grabs my junk and shoves it in. i can't keep it up and she's asking me if her pussy aint good enough so i go to flick on the lights and she flicks them back off and spins be around and sits me on the toilet. she pulls the condom off and starts blowing me again. she asks if i have another condom and i don't. she says she going to run to the vending machine and grab another condom and she'll be right back. out she goes (fuck up). i'm sitting on the can reflecting on all this mighty relieved she's gone and it will be easier to extricate myself now that she isn't in the room. so i'm sitting there thinking about how fucked up this has been. i must have sat there for two minutes or when i get up and get dressed. i'm like wait something is wrong here. my pants aren't the right weight. so i search my pockets and no galaxy g4. fuck where the hell is my phone. i search the bathroom, it isn't there. fuck she stole my fucking phone. i run down stairs. way too late. she's long gone. so i head straight to the lobby to use the phone and call the phone company to have my phone disabled. once that's done i head to the business center to change all the passwords linked to the products on my phone. i hit the bank up first. as soon as i log in i see two withdrawals within the last 10 minutes totaling $600 (my daily limit). i call the bank and then call the police. edit: the police show up while i'm still in the business center resetting passwords. of course they send two female officers and i'm like fuck now i got to tell these two woman what an asshole i am. so i tell them the story. i am completely honest about it and leave nothing out. then they accuse me of hiring a prostitute. i'm completely flabbergasted. i did not offer any money nor did she ask for any money. then they ask me it was a man. i said no but then she asked about the penetration again and when i said it was from behind they were like it was probably a dude. now i'm totally disgusted, demoralized and shamed. the one officer said my wife should divorce me and i'm like i'm already fucking divorced and wtf i'm the victim here. she continued to berate me. telling me she can't believe i did that when my friend was in the room and i totally put them at risk and on an on for like 10 minutes. admittedly i deserve it but at the time it was just too soon. she then reiterated that it was probably a dude because i never saw her vjj and did it from behind. totally demoralized. so all in all she* stole my phone, $600 , my dignity, pride, self respect and a piece of my soul.

got wasted in new orleans, picked up by a woman who the police say was probably a hooker oh and, by the way, might also have been a man (fucking gross- no offense to those that swing that way just my own preference) and then got robbed for my trouble.

a woman and subsequently robbed.

so i was very drunk at 3am in town whilst out with some friends. i decided to rip a piece of foam from some scaffolding in the street (was going to use it as some kind of foam sword). the a police officer shouts at me and in my drunken state i thought i was in serious trouble so i ran. i looked behind me and the officer was way back so i was like "fuck yeah!" then i turn back and see a bright fluorescent arm come from no where and i'm laid out on the floor. i got clothes lined by another police officer. hard. they said i was an idiot and to go home.

- ran from the police for no reason, got clothes lined.

being drunk

i was at a party out at a friend's house. decent sized event; bonfire, beer pong, barbecue, heavy drinking; the type of thing i'd typically avoid like the plague but a buddy of mine and his girlfriend really want to go so i do. i only knew the friend and the couple that i rode with, and i'm designated driver, so naturally i'm bored as shit and not talking to anyone. i begin to pretty much chain-smoke, as i am wont to do in situations of extreme boredom the male of the couple has had a couple of mixed drinks so he's a wee bit toasted and we get to chitty chatting. i pull out another cigarette to light. he asks for one, which i obligingly give to him. he then gets a brilliant idea. he dares me to try and light my cigarette in the campfire. remember at this point, that i am completely sober and my friend is the drunk one. i figure it'll add some excitement to this party if i give it a shot, so i pop the cigarette into my mouth and begin to bend over the fire. i lean in closer and closer inching my way towards it, until at the last second i remember that my hair is longer than i usually keep it. i flinch back and pull my hair back and begin to lean in once more. as i finally get close enough to the fire to light my cigarette, a plume of fire bursts up and catches me right in the face. out of panic, i let go of my hair which drops into the fire and catches along with my now burnt eyebrows and eyelashes. i stand straight up realizing i'm on fire. all those years of schools teaching you "stop, drop and roll" are nice, but they don't really do shit for you when you're actually on fire. i take off running, thinking maybe if i run fast enough it'll blow the fire out... it doesn't. i finally catch eye of a small kiddie pool that my friend has set up and throw myself into it face first. the fire is now out. worst part of all, my face caught but my cigarette didn't so i didn't even succeed in the dare. we left the party shortly thereafter

i lit my face on fire trying to light a cigarette in a campfire and put it out in a kiddy pool.

trying to light a cigarette

from last friday, but whatever: i was out walking along the cliffs near my college campus with a friend of mine, and he broke out this very small pipe (maybe three inches) to smoke some weed. i don't smoke often, but i had nothing to do, so i took a few hits. the damn pipe shot ash in your mouth every time you took a hit, so i backed off of it after i realized it wasn't just a fluke. we got back to the college town where i live and it was about 10 pm. as we're walking to my friend's house on the main party street, i notice a girl walking alone a little ways ahead of us. i mention to my friend how sometimes seeing girls alone in this town at night makes me a little worried that something might happen to them. i was high, and just then i remembered that my tongue tasted ashy still, so i set about fixing that. the girl had heard what i said, as my high estimate of the distance between us was quite poorly done, and thinking about it now, she was probably fifteen feet ahead. she uncomfortably turned around and looked at me, and just then, i stuck my tongue out as far as i could and used my fingers to scrape the ash off of it. didn't seem that weird to me at the time, but then i put the pieces together the next day when i was sober. how i imagine it from her perspective: walking home alone one night when some creepy guy makes some comment about how girls walking alone should be careful...*something might happen*. checked to see wtf that was about and the creep has his tongue out and is rubbing it. sped up quite a bit at that point.

said that *things* could happen to girls walking alone well within earshot of a girl. she turned to look at me and she saw me, tongue out, with my fingers all over it.

insinuating i was about to sexually assault a girl.

i just got home from work, and decided to wash my cares away with a hot, cleansing shower. i felt inclined to listen to music while i showered, but of course i didn't realize this until i had already completely disrobed. alas! my laptop was in the kitchen, and it contained all my tunes. since my roommates were still at school, i nipped out of my bathroom to get my laptop from the kitchen table. as i bent down to get it, i heard infantile screams echo across my apartment complex. "she's naked oh my godddd!!!" screamed the gaggle of junior high-aged kids outside my open kitchen window blinds. i froze, picked up my computer, and bolted back into my dark and draped bedroom.

forgot kitchen blinds were open while reveling in my post-work nudity**

letting the neighbor kids see me naked

here i was, minding my own business, watching the filthiest dirtiest smut i could find, because i'm just classy like that, and i really got more than i bargained for. it starts off so innocently, as it always does. me sitting here nude, contemplating my next honorable maiden, sifting through the garbage to find my golden angel. and there she was, right there in front of me, shrieking like a banshee in heat, crying and begging for my thick cock. the internet truly is for porn. so i'm going at it, edging like a madman, horny as hell, not even remembering the last time i spilled my spunk. almost two hours go by, and the time for spillage is near. now, i'm not one to boast, my average sized dick is average as you can imagine, but when the stars align properly, and the gods grant me favor, i can give peter north a run for his money. so here i am, leaning back as far as i can in my chair, deciding to lay a napkin on my stomach and commence spillage onto it. nope. spunk shot initiated, chambers are open, brace yourselves men, this is a one way trip from crotchville... aaaaand *liftoff* mach 3 reached, sound barrier breached, **boom** headshot. dodging the napkin before me, i'm simultaniously caught off guard and forced to watch in slow motion, scumbag brain leaving my mouth agape in horror, as the spunkshot of the gods breaks the sound bearier and overshoots the target, landing straight down my face, making sure to not only splatter into my eyes, but also grace my stupidly open mouth, and work it's way up into a splatter of messy, sticky hair and beyond. and this was just round one. the battle was lost, yes, but the war is still raging hard. out spurts round two, only this time the initial shock of facialing myself caused me to lose grip of my ever vigilant man meat, which is now allowed to roam freely as my second blast shoots clear over my head and onto the wall behind me, and possibly on my rug, and i have to do something quickly to stop it, my stupid self thinks, so i hastily prevent it from further making a mess *by pointing it back down again*, which only proves to further destroy my vision as i blast one right into my eye, and another on my neck. but no, the fun doesn't stop here. with bravado that would impress even the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going and going, for nearly a dozen rapid fire bursts that make me realize that female and homosexual porn stars *really* couldn't get paid enough for what they put themselves through. it was a disaster zone, and my only consolation was that my barely scathed napkin was unharmed in the making of this mess, and was readily available to spit this fucking cum out of my mouth, and out of my eyes, and out of my hair, and off of my face, and off of the floor, and the wall, and my stomach, and the rug, and i'm starting to think a cumbox might be a good idea at this point. seriously.

amateur performer finances the moneyshot and really pays for it

misjudging the force of ejaculate.

i studied my ass off for a test 2 weeks prior, and the day finally came..except that i didn't bring myself a pen and highlighter. i had the materials for the multiple choice but not for the essay that sooner came with it. unfortunately my teacher is one of those people who will chew you out for forgetting your stuff, and basically said i'd have to sacrifice the time i had left (once i'm finished) to attempt to get my pen and highlighter. i ended up having to bs 2 pages worth of multiple choice questions just to have time for to get the materials for an essay i struggled with and probably didn't even do superior on. embarrassing part? i even forgot to use my highlighter for the essay...

purposely bombed a test i studied the most for because of forgetting a pen and highlighter.

not bringing my supplies

it was a half day at my school today. i woke up as normal, at 6:30 in the morning. ereyesterday, i had pulled an all nighter, and yesterday, i fell asleep at 2 am. i was pretty tired, but i could deal with it. i was going to just take a nap for a few hours, it was 6:30 in the morning, and i didn't have school until 11:30 am. i crawl into bed, and, knowing myself, i wake up every few hours to readjust. i would set my watch to beep, but i felt that, for sure, i would have woken up. on days like this, my parents call me to make sure i don't sleep through it, anyway. i close my eyes and fall sleep very quickly. i wake up, and after moving around a bit and unswaddling myself from the blankets, i suddenly notice that it is dark. "oh fuck, what time is it?" i fumble with the button on my watch that activates the backlight. i finally press it. "6:45" oh. my. god. i start freaking out, trying to make it look like i went to school so i won't get in trouble. i throw my backpack in the kitchen, and my shoes next to it. before i can get in the shower, my mom comes home. "what the fuck, canobiecrazy, are you *trying* to flunk out of school? you know that this was your 7th time." then i realize, staring dumbstruck at my mom, that this *was* my 7th absence. i'm going to fail all of my classes because of it, unless i can get some excused. i'm really upset at myself right now. i stay home a lot, because i get bad anxiety, and some days i just can't make it into school. also, because i have sleep problems, and when you haven't slept in 48+ hours, you don't get much work done in school. i don't have doctors notes for that kind of absence, even though they make up all the other 6, due to their nature. i don't know what to do at this point. i'm going to talk to my guidance counselor, because i don't even see a therapist or doctor about this anymore(that's another story :/)

failed all of my classes 1st quarter of senior year because i didn't wake up from a nap.

sleeping 10 hours instead of 2.

i'm a us navy sailor, which means i wear a uniform at work. this uniform has a hat (spoken "cover") associated with it, which i am not normally allowed to wear inside. the normal way to keep your cover with you for this uniform is to put it in a cargo pocket at your knee; my current supervisor (who i will just call chief) doesn't like that method. chief prefers that we tuck the brim of the cover into the back of our waistband. i had just shown up for work. there was a little abdominal grumbling, but nothing, i thought, that couldn't wait. we gathered in ranks, then our superiors started to give out information. >"we will be taking the watch with conditions as follows..." >"there is maintenance ongoing at the following locations..." >"we had an issue with procedural compliance yesterday..." >"safety is paramount..." >"in a few minutes the lieutenant will be here to talk to you about..." >"all of us must remain accountable..." this went on for some time; chief had mustered us early to put out some extra information. the abdominal grumbling was getting worse; once chief dismissed us, there would definitely be some urgent travel to the head. thirty minutes later: "words from the crew? nothing? attention to quarters! relieve the watches." i didn't have a watch to relieve, so that was my signal to sprint to the head. i reached a stall, slammed the door shut, and threw down my trousers as i sat. the relief was great, the sound was horrifying, and the stench was like the sound. after the sense of urgency died down, i glanced down toward my boots. something in the toilet bowl caught my eye. oh. oh no. sitting in the water, soaked and with an ugly little mudpie on top of it, was my cover. at that point, the best i could do was fish it out, try my best to fling the shit off of it into the bowl, and wash it off in the basin used to fill mop buckets. a few hours on top of a heater vent, and it was dry. no perceptible odor.

i was in a rush to shit, my hat fell into the water before my shit did.

shit on my hat.

in the grand scheme of fuck-ups, this one is relatively minor. but here it is anyway. reddit, i hate cooking. the fact that we need to eat to survive is something i view as an inconvenience. if science could develop some sort of tablet that provided us with all our needed nutrients and calories i would be a happy camper. as such, easy recipes are a must. enter the crock pot. it took me six years of living on my own (parents never used one growing up) to discover the possibilities, but once i did, i was hooked. just pile some meat and veggies into that sumbitch, go to sleep, and have meals for days. fuck. yes. what i'm assuming happened (i don't exactly remember) is this: it's monday morning. i'm running late for work. i shovel some crock pot-y goodness into a tupperware container for lunch and dump the rest into another for the days to come. i put the lid back on my pot and go. my week is busy. i work full time and do quite a bit of volunteering on the side. maybe i came home monday night and said, "i'll clean you tomorrow, crock pot." but tomorrow never came. the crock pot disappeared into the corner of my counter, obscured by newly purchased bottles of wine. i tired of my diet of slow cooked meals and regressed to my old habits of baking things in my toaster oven and putting avocado on them. the pot was forgotten. fast forward to today (what i'm approximating to be six weeks or so later). i'm leaving for work, running late, as usual. the crock pot catches the corner of my eye. a knot forms in my stomach as the reality of the situation hits me. i peer into its depths and gasp at the landscape before me. the walls are covered by a soft coating of blue mold, cascading down into a congealed mass of brain tissue-esque fungi. a brown, syrupy sheen reflects off the crock pot floor. overcome by anger, regret, and horror, i leave for work, vowing to slay the beast when i come home. it haunted me, tifu. i couldn't get the image out of my mind. for nine hours of work and one hour of spin class i considered my plan of attack. as i pulled up to my apartment, i was ready. as fate would have it, i work in a tuberculosis clinic. like many infectious disease professionals, i carry an n95 mask in my bag. (n95 masks are designed to filter out 95% of small particles in the air.) i strapped it on and stuck a tea bag in there for good measure (it helps with the smell). my cat looked on in horror as i donned my rubber gloves. i removed the lid and let the crock pot fill with hot water. the congealed mass of mold floated to the top and slipped out. as i leaned over my sink to poke it down the drain the smell hit me. i took a step back and let the tea bag do its job. once the aroma of green ginger tea had cancelled out the month old vomit like stench of god knows what, i returned to my task. the pot now sits in my sink, soaking in a bath of dish soap and water. my kitchen is coated in a fine mist of febreze, and my cat does not understand why we are not playing laser pointer. so, i'll end my story here, and hope to christ that i don't let anything in my kitchen get that fucking disgusting ever again.

forgot to clean my crock pot, pot filled up with nasty ass mold.

forgetting i used my crock pot.

tifu getting a speeding ticket going 84 in a 70 on my way to school. i fucked up by a. not asking the officer at the scene to write my ticket down b. i fucked up the amount of work i had been doing so i could set aside car payments and gas money for the winter months on top of that i was saving for a nexus 5 because this current phone i have is mostly broken.

tifu 600+ dollars half of that was a month of car payments for when i work in the winter and the other half was for a nexus 5.

getting a speeding ticket

i decided it would be a great idea to cut up an entire brick of cheese and eat it with chips and salsa on sunday.. worst idea i could have possibly imagined involving cheese... sharp stomach pains, gas, bloating, this is some grade a constipation. best part is i have a speech in the morning, i have this terrible feeling that the big, bad, brown snake is going to find it's way to the exit at the worst possible time.

don't eat huge amounts of cheese, it will create immobile masses of fecal matter that cause problems..

eating an entire brick of cheese in one day

so i woke up this morning and my phone notified me that ten emails, saying message not delivered. i was kind of confused, but i was more focused on getting ready for the day, so i pretty much forgot about it. around 9 o'clock i got an email asking "is this real or spam?" this was when i remembered about those failed ten messages. an email had been sent to not just everyone in my contacts, but to every thread i have ever been part of in the last two years. most of the people i have not talked to in months. still waiting on the fall out, it is currently 10:40, this happened hours ago.

if you got an email from... err sorry.

spamming everyone

we're moving house but can't move directly into our new one. everything has to go into storage and friends houses by monday for a time. doing a look round of everything that can fit in my car in the space left was the brushes and mop. my so has not stopped going on about it.

i'm a house moving idiot

i packed the mop up 3 days before we moved out.

this wasn't today, but i just discovered this sub, so here goes. back in college, i worked in a shoe store. i'm very helpful and also very annoyed when ignored, which is by far my biggest pet peeve. this middle aged man (ah = asshole) was admiring our fine selection of fashionable footwear and i approach him from behind with a casual, "hello sir, how are you doing today? can i help you find anything?" ah didn't even give me the courtesy of acknowledging my greeting. so i repeat a little louder, "can i help you find something?" again, ignored. i think to myself, "what the hell, man? what's your problem?" i say "if you need anything, please find me." nothing. and then, as i walk by, ah gives me a (perceived) snooty glance. ooooohhh that sonofabitch! he has the gall to ignore me then look at me condescendingly. he's a dick and i will announce this to everyone. i help two more customers and comment (loudly) that "some customers are ungrateful and should get off their high horse." and "some people look down on others for working retail" and yada yada yada fast forward to checking out ah. "did you find everything you were looking for?" (douchebag). it was then he waved his wife over and started signing with her about the shoes he wanted. i put the pieces together. i jumped to conclusions. i am asshole. ** edit 1: ninja edit

asshole ignores me. i insult. he no can heary. i am asshole.**

openly berating a deaf man.

im a 24 year old female that is lactose intolerant but dairy is my favorite food group. i put cheese on everything and worry about the consequences later. i'm doing last minute work on the endocrin system for my anatomy and physiology class and i'm not getting far because i'm grossing myself out by browsing the wtf subreddit. i figure i'll do three pages tonight and finish the rest tomorrow. i feel my stomach rumbling and lean over to let a silent fart out. boy was i not expecting the rank cloud that filled my room. i try to remember the last time i had a bowel movement. i can't remember because of the stress of school and work. i remember that i had cheese grits for breakfast but it was only a small bowl. i lean over and fart again. this time it's worse. i lunge over toward my window to get quick relief when i feel something squirt out of my ass. i lay there, hand on the window and let out a chuckle of disbelief. i scold myself "jesus christ you're an adult. an adult!" i look back to survey the damage and see an oblong plate sized puddle of bright orange poop covering the surface of my laptop, pillow and textbook. i carefully climb over the shit soup and make my way to the bathroom where i give birth to more of the week old poop vacating my colon. after i clean up the mess i shower and put on clothes and get on reddit to share my experience.

cheese grits gave me the shits.

tifu..... just reset the counter.