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[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things! As a dinosaur, stomping on things is the best part of my day, indeed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *gasp* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that, little house? You wish you were back in your own time? THAT IS TOO BAD FOR YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps you too will get a stomping, little girl! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] WAIT! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is stomping really the answer to your problem(s)? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Problem(s)? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] (in small text) crazy utahraptor! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have felt the harsh sting of my own racial joke turned against me! Luckily, I've been saving a joke for just such an occasion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All of those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me. [SPEAKER] DROMECIOMIMUS [LINE] I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I've made up my own joke to get him today. All I need to do is "find that Utahraptor!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I hope the Utahraptor is around here somewhere! My legs are giving tired. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm behind you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There you are! Knock, knock. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who's there? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utah. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] *sigh* Utah who? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I was a very good student! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you even listen to yourself? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] No, but-- see, I learned it from you! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A JOURNEY TO THE MOON [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A RARE PROPOSITION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I propose a journey to the moon! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SEVEN YEARS LATER... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have constructed a rocket-ship for myself and a guest of my choosing! The wood from this house will provide the fuel! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] May I be your guest? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will give your offer my consideration? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ON THE MOON... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lunar women are good for stomping! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Thanks for choosing me, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A RETURN TO EARTH! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Let's do that again sometime! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I concede it easily! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A NEW DAY DAWNS... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now, where is my wallet? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH SHIT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] IT IS ON THE MOON |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A JOURNEY TO THE MOON [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A RARE PROPOSITION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I propose a journey to the moon! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SEVEN YEARS LATER... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have constructed a rocket-ship for myself and a guest of my choosing! The wood from this house will provide the fuel! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] May I be your guest? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will give your offer my consideration? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ON THE MOON... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lunar women are good for stomping! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Thanks for choosing me, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A RETURN TO EARTH! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Let's do that again sometime! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I concede it easily! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A NEW DAY DAWNS... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now, where is my wallet? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH SHIT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] IT IS ON THE MOON |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FOUR YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for being remembered! My lovely visage, callipygian frame, startlingly awesome calves and charming smile will yet go down in history! And how will I be immortalized? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And YEAH, kicking a kangaroo in the bum has PROBABLY been done before, but never one thousand times! That's the secret to immortality: pick a direction and go SO FAR OUT in it that anyone who points to you will have to say, "Here, this is as far as anyone needs to go." Then, hey presto, you're immortalized! You're the dude who kicked an evil kangaroo as often as evil kangaroos could ever need be kicked- probably more often, actually. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you're going for recordbook immortality? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Crazy utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going for STUNT immortality. I'll just keep kicking that kangaroo until even if somebody wanted to catch up, they'd look at my record and say "Well, THAT'S totally not worth doing". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess, if that's how you want to spend your life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT APPARENTLY IS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FOUR YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw shoot, I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE WILL JUST REMEMBER YOU FOR TALKING A BIG GAME MY FRIEND [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I will take what I can get!! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've thought of the best story! Oh goodness. This story will make me RICH. It will make me PRIME MINISTER of being rich. I will be awarded a doctorate in APPLIED RICHOLOGY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can only hope the world is ready for it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So BASICALLY in the story there's all this build up about this kid whose parents named her Crime and how she grows into her name and becomes this big arch-criminal! The cops are powerless to stop her, even the really really good ones. ESPECIALLY the really really good ones. Anyway it's narrated in the third person and at the end of the book Crime goes out on a few dates with the narrator and then he abruptly stops writing because he's all cheezed at her. The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But - why is he all cheezed at her? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because he always has to pay for everything! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get it? Because CRIME DOESN'T PAY!! Listen, my story has both a hilarious twist ending and also an important message regarding the paying of crime. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear mental diary that everyone can hear: Utahraptor was so impressed with my book idea that he forgot how to talk! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I didn't forget how to talk! I just forgot how to shoot down your idea politely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Utahraptor!! DON'T LISTEN TO MY DIARY! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DATING TIPS COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] now featuring: tips i found in this one book! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some HOT TIPS FOR FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings, here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See, I thought so too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw no, no, you don't - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DATING TIPS COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] now featuring: tips i found in this one book! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some HOT TIPS FOR FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings, here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See, I thought so too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw no, no, you don't - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's been three days and neither "Life of Crime" nor "Meet Someone who Doesn't Suck" have made me rich. MAYBE I AM NOT THAT GREAT AN AUTHOR?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or maybe PEOPLE are not that great an audience! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Or maybe you have to wait longer for a book to turn a profit! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or MAYBE I should be happy that I basically wrote two books in as many days, and got them published in an afternoon, and that's kinda impressive even if they aren't selling that well so far?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or maybe if they were selling well, you wouldn't know it yet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT'S RIGHT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I really am great, just impatient, and when I get home tonight there'll be a sales report in the mail showing how my books are now TEN TIMES MORE POPULAR THAN THE BIBLE. It would make sense, since they have like twenty times as many jokes in them! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] OR MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T PUT MANY JOKES IN THE BIBLE BECAUSE OF TRANSLATION ISSUES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey everyone! You know what needs more jokes? ONLY EVERY RELIGIOUS TEXT EVER!! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] AW MAN - NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL THESE RAISED EXPECTATIONS |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Descartes was a dude who wrote "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am". PRETTY NEAT, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But also...PRETTY FLAWED?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The whole deal with "I think, therefore I am" is that Descartes is all "DAAAAAAMN, I can't be sure of ANYTHING! My senses are flawed. All I know for sure is I keep STRESSIN' about this stuff!" and then his girlfriend is all "If you're so hung up on this then you must exist, huh baby?" and Descartes is all "Yes. That is true. I will write this down in Latin." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is how it went down. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's the problem, besides your unnecessary storytelling? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Descartes' girlfriend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She's making a huge logical leap! It's indisputible that thinking is going on, right, but we don't know for sure that Descartes is doing the thinking! All we know for sure is that thinking is going on. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I agree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] R-Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! You can't have thinking in a vacuum, so SOMETHING must exist if there's thinking going on... [SPEAKER] T-REX " UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you're aware of it is an awful big leap for a skeptic to make! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID WE JUST DO THAT |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some things that DEFINITELY won't fit into my mouth. I tried! They won't fit. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] First off: dog breederies, solar panel processing plants, and giant cubes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also: twenty cars on a stick. Sound stages, every library (individually AND en masse), medium-sized cubes that are still pretty big, lakes, beer-flavoured lakes, and beer-flavoured lakes in Minnesota. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I know for a fact that on e of those doesn't exist, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Doesn't exist in my mouth, that is!! Because it's too big? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not much to talk about today, huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? There's plenty to talk about! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's just, YESTERDAY you had some neat ideas about knowledge and existence, and today you're all "here are some things that don't fit in my big ol' mouth" and your TOTALLY LYING about trying them; I can tell. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They dovetail together nicely. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't see how! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX EXPLAINS: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, that makes perfect sense! Thanks, T-Rex! Now I know how digital timers work. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're welcome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Now, HERE'S how putting the things in my mouth ties in with existence. . . |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMICS IN WHICH GOD HIMSELF QUOTES WERNER HERZONG. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LIFE IN THE OCEANS MUST BE SHEER HELL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess so, huh? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] A VAST MERCILESS HELL OF PERMANENT AND IMMEDIATE DANGER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SO MUCH OF A HELL THAT DURING EVOLUTION SOME SPECIES - INCLUDING MAN - CRAWLED - FLED ONTO SOME SMALL CONTINENTS OF SOLID LAND WHERE THE LESSONS OF DARKNESS CONTINUE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's certainly one way of looking at it, right, Dromiceiomimums? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] the end [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMICS FOR TEENS today's installment: "THE PRIVATE TOOTER" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] what do you call a teacher who never passes gas in public? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A private tooter! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SECONDS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was an extremely hilarious joke that deserved more laughter than it received. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] the end. |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I went to the optometrist AGAIN last night, and AGAIN she said I might need to get nerd goggles! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (She called them "glasses" but you can tell she was thinking "nerd goggles"!) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The PROBLEM is that I define myself in terms of not having glasses! People are always "Oh. You're lookng for T-Rex? He's the green tyrannosaurus rex over there! You'll be able to spot him because he's so not wearing glasses." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aw, I think you'd look cute in them! I also think you can turn this around and make glasses your thing, you know? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SHORTLY THEREAFTER . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe Dromiceiomimus is right! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] She usually is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I COULD get some pretty kick-ass glasses. Like glasses that say "WARNING: AWESOME DUDE" on them! OOH, or horn-rimmed 60s housewife glasses! Sweetness! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You'll have to wear them every day, so maybe you'll, um, want to see how they look before you commit? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm here to pick up my prescription "Happy New year 2004" glasses! They have a plastic "2" on one side and a "4" on the other. [SPEAKER] OPTOMETRIST CLERK [LINE] Sir, you have made an unforgettable choice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I like you too, optometrist clerk! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is a list of adjectives I would like to have chosen when describing me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 1) "Sated"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Second on the list: "alluring"! followed closely by "stompin'"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Fourth: "Callipygian", pronounced "kal-lip-pee-je-en" - adj: "having beautifully proportioned buttocks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] i.e.: Me [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 5) "Magnanimous", which is- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait, aren't you missing one? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Which? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Onanistic"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I know what that means!! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A PROFESSIONAL SINGER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rock star! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ROCK STAR [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm a totally cool rock star! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's still awesome, right? It seems that 10 years ago people were more into rock stars and being rock stars than they are now. But I am a rock star and it is my job to sing rock songs on stage and in CD players!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Do your other rock star friends talk like that? Do they reference themselves as "cool rock star[s]"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes we do, Dromiceiomimus. BETWEEN ROCK SONGS, THAT IS!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, how come we never get to meet your rock star friends? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well - um... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you ASHAMED of us, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! They're just different people! You wouldn't get along. They like rocking and you - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like rocking! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But in DIFFERENT WAYS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, I've got to go practice rocking out now, but can we talk about this tonight? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [OFFSCREEN] [LINE] No! You're being a jerk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I'm super late for rocking out practice, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I'm gonna need you to respect the rock, okay? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have some bad news: zombies are in danger of becoming old hat! It's TRUE. But I have a solution to make them interesting again: all you need is stories where not just people but ANIMALS become undead! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Zombie whales! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But better than that: zombie BIRDS. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Didn't Hitchcock make a movie about that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Upon inspection: basically? The birds DID want to eat people in his movie. But that's a scary concept, right? Birds hungering for flesh is bad news for everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's, uh, it's especially bad for fleshy dudes. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're dancing around the REAL threat here, T-Rex: ZOMBIE MOSQUITOES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GOD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're right! The infection would spread quickly and nearly invisibly! And mosquitoes already want blood, so it's not like they need THAT much encouragement to become zombies. Man! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess we can only hope that the insect kingdom never becomes zombified? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess so!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] 28 DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] Save us! Save us from the zombie butterflies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] WEAAAAAAAK |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello Morris! How are you today? [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] oh hello there t-rex! it's super nice to see a friendly face today [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's nice to see you too, Morris! [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] aw shucks t-rex, you're a real good friend, you know that? a real good friend. anyway, you should be extra careful not to eat me today or anything because i guess i got turned into a zombie last night! today has definitely had its share of challenges for me, huh [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What?! Seriously? [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] yeah! and i dunno what i did wrong because i went to bed like normal last night but when i woke up in the morning i had zombie disease! so it was real embarrassing [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] but don't worry, i'm not going to turn you guys into zombies too! i wouldn't be a very good friend if i did that, and the book i got at the centre says that being a good friend is awful important! [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] i always try to be a good friend, even though things pretty often don't work out very well for me in the end [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw, Morris! You don't look very undead to me! [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] aw, that probably just means i've messed up somewhere again. the problem is that i'm not real good at biting people, you know? and biting people is all zombies do! i didn't know, but being a zombie is an awful hassle [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm pretty sure you're not actually undead, Morris! Normally zombies can't talk. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, or work on their Life Challenges! I think you're FINE. [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] you mean i'm doing that wrong too? oh goodness, i must be the worst zombie going. plus that book i got from the centre is way overdue! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not too late to return it, Morris! [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] but i promised the staff there that i'd be extra certain to return it on time! [SPEAKER] MORRIS [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] i guess i'm probably off your christmas card list this year, huh t-rex |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am jealous of physicist RICHARD FEYNMAN. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aaaand here's why! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude made a joke about the 762nd decimal place of pi! At that point, there's a sequence of six nines in a row, and his joke was that he'd like to memorize pi up to that point, so that when reciting he could end with "9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9... and so on." Others had noticed it before FEYNMAN was the first to make a joke about it, and now his joke is encoded into the very fabric of the universe! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And that makes you irrationally jealous? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hells yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Feynman has a JOKE encoded into pi - transcendental immortality in the circumference of a circle! That's something for the ol' resume, eh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm gonna make my own universal constant joke now, and I'm gonna need you to tell people about it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] So! Why do people start getting afraid at the 2501st digit of e? Because 7 8 9! There's a sequence of "789" that starts there, and it sounds like "seven ate nine"! This is definitely called "T-Rex's Hilarious e joke", okay? |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AS AN OLD MAN COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I'm still the same T-Rex I always was! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm even pretty well preserved: check it out, Dromiceiomimus! Barely any wrinkles! [SPEAKER] DOMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's nice, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also I've got my trademark "nice calves" and "young smile". I'm so old! AND YET, I'm so sexy! [SPEAKER] UTHARAPTOR [LINE] Hey, you know what's rad? Old dudes not talking about how sexy they are. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm young at heart! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just don't want to be one of those guys who let's being old be - all they do, you know? Being old is at best incidental to what I do, and what I do is BE TOTALLY RAD. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And totally self aggrandizing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that! In between radness! My point is: I'm not old. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT SECRETELY, WHEN T-REX IS HOME ALONE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Gosh darn it! If these rappers spoke more slowly, we'd ALL be able to understand what they're saying. |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT IS THE BEST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "I love you"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, too easy. Um - "I love you, AND ALSO, how about all these dollars?" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How about "We have cured all diseases!"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No good, unless it's followed by "also, we've found new places for everyone to live comfortably; and hey, guess what: they're sweet new planets and we get there on starships, like from TV!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I would have thought you'd choose something closer to "And THAT'S why they call me the widowmaker". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That IS good! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How about "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It sounds a little like there's a bunch of female cannibals eating you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS!" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HEY! HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS! [SPEAKER] DUDES [LINE] We're just a regular congress! [SPEAKER] DUDES [LINE] Also, we're dudes! [SPEAKER] DUDES [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Also... PROCEED |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Your mouth is full of cockroaches: many of them are dead, but those that aren't yet are throwing up on you, and each other." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SECONDS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm sorry, everyone within the sound of my voice! That was disgusting! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I didn't mean for that to be as gross as it was. I should have went with "I never loved you!". That's pretty bad, eh? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Can cockroaches throw up? I think I read somewhere that they can't throw up. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think you're thinking of rats. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ah, that's right. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, I guess we're not that into the "worst sentence ever" thing? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, no, we're into it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here: How about "Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you will die only when you've fully mourned each and every one." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not bad! That's immortality for the self-centered! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excuse me, sexual congress? Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you'll only die when you've fully mourned each and every one! [SPEAKER] SEXUAL CONGRESS [LINE] That's terrible! [SPEAKER] SEXUAL CONGRESS [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Guys, stop sexing me for a minute!! I need to talk to this dinosaur. |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, and later he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: CHEKHOV'S GUN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It comes from this playwright Chekhov, who said that if you have a gun on the stage in the first act of a play, it had better be fired by the third! It's been used to sustain interest since forever: James Bond often gets a bunch of gadgets at the beginning of his movie which he'll use later on, and even Perseus got gadgets from the GODS to kill Medusa with! It's the same idea, only Bond's better because he has more explosions. Looks like you lose, Perseus!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So if you have Bond getting gadgets that he doesn't use, that's not Chekhov's Gun? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's just FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS. Honestly, why give James Bond a gun that shoots piranhas if he's never going to fire it? People truly want to see that in action. Also: guns that shoot chainsaws. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'd like to see your Bond movie. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I WOULD TOO, darn it. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, which is better: a gun that shoots chainsaws, or a gun that shoots EVEN BIGGER GUNS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Aw, come on! There's strawberry frosting all over "As You Like It"! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am not a dude who loves big companies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Sometimes I like their products? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I don't feel chummy with Microsoft, or that Sony is going to come over, eat pizza with me, and talk about the women he likes! No. Sony is going to come over, ruffle through my CD collection, then call the cops on his cell phone. Sony is going to write swears on my bathroom mirror with lipstick and blame it on Nestl?. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SONY is going to be stone cold sober the entire time. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But let me guess: there's one big company you really like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is indeed!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NINTENDO. I guess they got me when I was young an uncritical, but I really LIKE them, you know? When they do well, I seriously think, "Aw, that's nice. Good for them!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] When multinationals do well, I usually feel like that's bad news for me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Me too! But not with Nintendo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what would go down if Nintendo came over? I'd sat "Oh hello, Nintendo! It's so nice to see you again!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Aw shucks! I guess it IS true that you're never too old to hug, Nintendo!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] "Nintendo, I just... I JUST WISH I HAD A SISTER YOU COULD MARRY." |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have felt reflective of late... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for asking profound philosophical questions! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Beginning with the most modest: why am I here? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is the purpose of my life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it true that the only questions worth asking are those that cannot be answered? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is there any greater meaning - to anything? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is?! What is it?! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh? Oh, no - I was just saying "Yes!" because I was remembering how I felt this morning when I found my keys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] W-what? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, I thought the were lost! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But I found them! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They were on top of the fridge! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I don't care!! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EIGHTEEN HOURS AGO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw damn! My freezer is broken! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SEVENTEEN HOURS AGO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So do you want to come over for a meat party, Dromiceiomimus? I had my freezer stuffed with meat and it's all thawing now. The chicken's got to be cooked and I figure there's more than enough to go around! I've also got steaks AND pork chops and tons more. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Meat party! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MEAT PARTY!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWELVE HOURS AGO. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This meat is extremely delicious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know it!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Never have I tasted the flesh of SO MANY animals in so short a time period. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I only wish I'd frozen lobsters! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Next time, I guess! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE PRESENT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Four hundred dollars for a new freezer? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BULL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] SHIT |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] the dinosaur comic players answer: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow, three wishes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing wrong with that! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think I would wish that everyone would be happy forever [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But you know how wishes are, Dromiceiomimus - they always end up with IRONIC and UNEXPECTEDLY NEGATIVE consequences. It's the nature of the beast! We'd probably end up mindless but technically "happy". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'd use my other two wishes as damage control, T-Rex [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What would you do with your wishes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think I'd hold off on them. I'd like to go through life with the special knowledge that worse comes to worst, I could always wish for a problem to be solved. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, that's an unexpectedly mature response. I figured you'd wish for "happy women with steaks" or something! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw MAN! Best wish ever? [SPEAKER] WOMEN [LINE] t-rex, these steaks are starting to make us sad [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Not allowed, ladies!! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MODERN STENOGRAPHY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys stenography is so awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is the technology (and art!) of concealing messages from people. With stenography you can pass around SECRET MESSAGES, and nobody except for you and the target will even know the message is there! FOR EXAMPLE: digital photography! Pictures use bytes to represent colour data, right? So all you do is use the least significant bit of each byte as your payload, and tada! Instant hidden information in any old image! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But that alters the image, dear friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE. But only a little! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Colours change to just a slightly different shade of the same colour. The naked eye won't see anything, and it'll really only be detected if you've got the original image to compare with! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's too bad we don't have any secret messages to send. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes... TOO BAD INDEED. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE SUPERSPIES: [SPEAKER] SIR [LINE] It says here that you and Agent U just surprise each other with stenographic images of swear words all day long. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sir! I don't understand!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] It is extremely hilarious! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE MAN WHO ATE HIS HAT AND THEN PUNCHED YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A Story by T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Once upon a time, there was a man who ate his hat! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He died from the experience, but came back as a ghost. He was a PRETTY cool ghost. If he saw you with a hat though, he would punch you right in your flippin' neck. He would sneak up behind you and whisper "There are some ghost who don't punch people in the neck." and then the last thing you would see before you were punched were the ghostly words written on his fists: "I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GHOST". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, that sounds like my kind of story! What happens next? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only the BEST NARRATIVE OF OUR TIME! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BASICALLY, after September 11th, our guy decides that he's had enough of just punching dudes and joins the fire department. He becomes real and now he punches out fires. He punches kittens out of trees. He punches people who get trapped in cars when they drive off the road. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Nice! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] BOOK FAIR PATRON [LINE] I don't get it - none of them are actually in the story they describe? Also, the dinosaur on the cover is crooked. [SPEAKER] BOOK FAIR SELLER [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] UM, THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING IT |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I saw the coolest fight on TV last night! It was between two shiny anthropomorphic robots. One had a metal cowboy hat. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cowboy hat dude got DECIMATED! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Really? Cowboy hat robot was 10% destroyed? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? No, he was in pieces. His hand even landed in a spectator's lap and it was still grabby! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's just - I think I'm beginning to be in the minority here, but "decimated" means "destroy one tenth". It comes from the Roman army, who'd kill 1/10th of a cohort as an extreme form of punishment. Precision in language is a virtue! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, I'm with Dromiceiomimus on this one! "Deci" is right there in the word, dude. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's true. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess my dilemma is I love that we have a word for "1/10th destroyed", but I also love how awesome "decimated" sounds, but ALSO, I'm not sure how I feel about prescriptivism when I'm the victim." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Um - a dilemma is for two choices: you had a trilemma there. Precision! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IF YOU MESS UP AGAIN PEOPLE WON'T THINK YOU'RE GOOD AT TALKING ANYMORE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I know I know! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I had my first crush on a girl, I believed that everyone else was CRAZY for not liking her. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She was so clearly this perfect, amazing woman, and I was honestly so confused by the fact that she wasn't swarmed with suitors, that I tried to examine her critically, looking for flaws that I hadn't seen before. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Did you find any? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! What I didn't realize was that people have different tastes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She may be the perfect woman for me, but that doesn't mean she's perfect for everyone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh well... I was shy. I didn't say anything to her, and then one time I gave her some fries at lunch. That's - that was pretty much the sum of our relationship. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aww! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In some ways it's naive for you to think that everyone would like this woman, but in another way it's really romantic, you know? You thought she was, objectively, the best girl ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I wrote Star Trek fan fiction in which we saved the Enterprise and got married! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOLVE ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a choose your own adventure comic that also solves all your relationship problems [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nice! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] You're Captain Blam. You're on an alien space ship, armed only with your trusty dehumanizer ray! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Turn to panel 3! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] You glance around you, seeing two obvious exits. The first is an ornate pink door, with the words "RELATIONSHIP TOWNE" written in loopy script across its face. To its right is another door, forged out of solid steel. Above it is a neon sign that says "LET'S SHOOT SOME DUDES!". It flashes once per second. It looks - it looks SPLENDID. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] To enter Relationship Towne, turn to panel 4! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To shoot some dudes, turn to panel 5! You probably wanna shoot some dudes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shoot some dudes!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] As you put your hand on the door to Relationship Towne, you decide to want to shoot some dudes instead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SO AWESOME!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Turn to panel five! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] You fire your dehumanizer ray on every alien you see! The explosions are so great. They're awesome. Each one is better than the last. Oh my goodness. Suddenly, you realize relationships are based on trust! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To shoot some more aliens, re-read this panel again and again! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] To explore your feelings, turn to panel 6. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] You're done shooting aliens and they are all dead. It's cool though. You call up your sweetie and apologize for things you've done wrong in the past, and promise to do better in the future. You tell her you love her. You mean it in a way you haven't meant it for years. All your relationship problems are solved! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Yesssssss |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, I bet if I went a week without showering, nobody would notice! Showers are probably there just to sell water. And soap. And shampoo. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX EVERYONE WILL NOTICE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I find myself compelled to disagree! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! How's it going, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh, alright! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good! Hey, would you say I smell... "entirely acceptable"? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I guess so! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is just so excellent. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THREE DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, T-Rex, can I borrow - oh God! What happened?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing! I smell fine! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FIVE DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm talking to you from over here because you're smelly, T-Rex. I'm saying this as your friend. You smell like there was an explosion at the onion factory, and you were caught at ground zero. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello!! That evocative image is entirely misplaced! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SEVEN DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Now I'm way over here because I can ACTUALLY SEE stink lines coning off of you. There are little cartoon fish skeletons between the stink lines. You know what they're whispering in my ear, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] "There IS NO GOD" |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My stars, am I ever enamoured with sign language. You can speak with your hands! That's amazing! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE TOO [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! Then it's settled! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think the coolest thing about ASL, which is the sign language I know, is how you can place nouns in space. If I'm telling a story about my angry dog and my very sassy friend, I can make the sign for "dog" to my left, and "friend" to my right, and then when I want to apply adjectives to them, I just sign "angry" or "sassy" in the same physical space as the nouns! You can have nouns FLOATING AROUND YOU in conversation. How is that not the best thing EVER? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, many of the signs are really evocative, so they're easy to remember! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Like what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like - the sign for elbow is just pointing to your elbow, and the sign for child is patting the head of an imaginary child. For children you pat several heads! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Um - I have nothing bad to say about sign language, the end! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Another beautiful hot day! I look forward to these "dog days" of summer. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I suppose you could say I have a "sunny" disposition? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or predisposition, anyways. The point is that this hot weather makes me feel great! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well you're in a good mood today, T-Rex! It's always a pleasure to see you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why thank you! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Think nothing of it, lovely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lovely? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hi, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! Um, listen: if I were a girl dinosaur, and if YOU weren't into dudes, and if I said "Think nothing of it, LOVELY" to you, what would you think? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Depends. Have you ever called me "lovely" before? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh, that's easy then. You're coming on to me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That means the Dromiceiomimus - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Oh my goodness! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ask him about science stuff though, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Our first letter comes from Jenn! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Jenn writes, "Dead Professor Science, is it true that the moon is making each day on Earth longer? IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???" Wow, Jenn, you got really intense there at the end. You went a bit crazy with the caps lock and then added the punctuation three times. What's going on? What's up? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, have you ever gotten emails from people who do that with EMOTICONS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I got one that was like "I am really sad :((((((" and it's sort of a bizarre emphasis that entirely divorces a smily from its own visual iconography. I'm not sure how I fell about that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Me neither! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! I'd better ask The Professor this science question, huh? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] So she finishes with, "IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK". Why won't anyone take what Mark says at face value? Am I right, Professor? ... That's comedy, Professor. It's beyond the reach of your previous "science". |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Still just ask him about science stuff though, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Today's letter comes from Pete. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pete writes, "Dear Professor Science, we never got to hear your answer yesterday. Is the moon slowing down the Earth? Best regards, Pete. P.S.: T-Rex is a bad delivery person for mail." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Peter: unkind. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's all I'll say about THAT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, yes, due to tidal acceleration, the moon IS slowing down the Earth! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Indeed! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The moon's gravity pulls the oceans towards itself, causing tides. But the Earth is rotating relatively fast, dragging against this water, which, hey presto, slows down its rotation! Days get about 1.7 ms longer every century. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We don't need Professor Science at all anymore! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You hear that, Professor? We don't need you at all anymore! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I've sort of been reading your mail! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I was a child I used to imagine I had just teleported into my own body from an earlier time. Or I'd pretend that I'd suddenly lost several years of my memories. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The two are functionally equivalent? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the game was, by walking around and trying to act normal, I had to figure out what was going on. It was the sort of game where you'd notice trees that had been cut down, touch your arm and mutter, "When did I start wearing a watch?", and then talk to your mom and try to fake your way through a conversation about school without knowing years of history. It was fun! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! You must have been such a cute kid! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So why'd you stop? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why'd you stop? I bet this game would be even more fun as an adult, since way more things have changed since you were a kid. In fact, I might play it myself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I could call up old girl-friends and act familiar! |
[SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die, [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man. What the heck am I gonna eat for dinner? [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] because they are never going to be born. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe... chicken? [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] The number of people who could be here, in my place, outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. If you think about all the different ways in which our genes could be permuted, you and I are quite grotesquely lucky to be here. The number of events that had to happen in order for you to exist, in order for me to exist... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like chicken. I could bread it, or I could roast it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I could put a lemon inside. [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] we are privileged to be alive [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I propose a pork roast! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also delicious! [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] and we should make the most of our time on this world - Richard Dawkins [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just not feeling that motivated, you know? Maybe I'll just get a fast food burger. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you should cook. It's healthier! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I'll probably just eat a chicken for dinner. |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's adventure: THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Woo-hoo! Let's have an adventure!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] It is trillions and trillions of years in the future. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AWESOME! Turn to panel 3! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] The second law of thermodynamics has reached its ultimate expression, and all energy is evenly spread across the Universe. How did this happen? Stellar formation peters out and the remaining stars use up their hydrogen fuel, burning out. The universe darkens. Trillions of years pass, and practically all remaining matter has been sucked into black holes. Some hold the remains of entire galaxies. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] This is depressing. Turn to panel 4. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe there's still hope though! Turn to panel 4. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] There is no hope at all. Soon even the supermassive black holes evaporate. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And this generates new energy for life? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Turn to panel 5. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] While they evaporate, black holes release only small bits of energy, mainly photons, which populate a near-empty space. All that remains of Creation is a low level of background radiation and a few subatomic particles, scattered across a frozen, silent, and lifeless Universe. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TO TURN BACK TIME AND LIVE AGAIN WITH YOUR SWEETIE, TURN TO PANEL 6. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? No! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! Looks like YOU undid the heat death of the universe, and everyone lived happily ever after! [SPEAKER] PERSON OFF-PANEL [LINE] Everyone is dead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] {{ thought bubble }} WHO THE HECK SAID THAT?! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have writen my own "Choose your own adventure" story! It is less depressing than the other one. I can it "HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS. HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] So IT TURNS OUT the shape of our universe has a large effect on how it will age! If our universe is shaped like a sphere, then gravity could eventually cause it to contract, leading to a "big crunch" in which everything is compressed into a single point! Crazy! What's CRAZIER is that this could lead to another big bang, giving us a cyclical universe. Here's a picture of me and Dromiceiomimus. We look happy. Look, I'm going to draw some word bubbles. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] weiners [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] hah hah!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] So if you agree the universe is a sphere, skip a page! If you think it's another shape, keep reading. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] weiners [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's Still Funny! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Okay, so what shape is the universe then?? If your answer is "I dunno, an ice cream cone or something" then stop reading. You have lost this adventure! Your score is minus ten. If your answer is "I dunoo, how about SADDLE SHAPED??" the you already know about this stuff, so stop reading. Your score is three points. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] i like to party [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray! You agree with the sphere shape and so have won this adventure. By glossing over the inconvenient details, we have shown that the universe will last forever in an infinite series of expansion and contraction! That means that YOU get one hundred points. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] i have interests beyond laughing at weiners |
[SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX YOU KNOW THERE'S ANOTHER WAY THE UNIVERSE COULD END [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You wake up and it was all a crazy dream?? You know what ALL OF CREATION would say if that happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Weaaaaaaaaak" [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] NO I AM TALKING ABOUT THE EXPANSION OF THE UNIVERSE SPEEDING UP UNTIL ALL STRUCTURES BEGIN TO TEAR THEMSELVES APART [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YEAH IF DARK ENERGY HAS ENOUGH REPULSIVE POWER TO CONTINUOUSLY INCREASE THE EXPANSION RATE OF THE UNIVERSE EVENTUALLY GALAXIES WILL BE TORN APART THEN PLANETS AND THEN ATOMS THEMSELVES [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SHOULD BE [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] PRETTY NEAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty neat? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty NEAT!? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's pretty neat? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, WHO I USED TO THINK WAS KINDA COOL, is talking about everything being eventually torn apart by accelerating universal expansion! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, the "big rip" theory. Yeah, it's a newer one but pretty interesting to consider. We've still got over 20 BILION years before it'll happen though! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] 21 BILLION YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS T-REX I WAS WRONG AND THE BIG RIP DIDN'T HAPPEN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] OH WAIT THIS IS JUST A PICTURE OF T-REX AND THE EARTH IS LONG SINCE DUST [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] DAAAAAAANG |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus is going away for a three-week trip! I will miss her but I know she will have a good time. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She trips to the storied landmass of Australasia! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! Are you ready for your trip to the storied landmass of Australasia? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yes! I guess I'll see you in a few weeks... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! I'll miss you, Dromiceiomimus. I hope this trip brings you nothing but happy memorable occurrences, and unexpected, but welcomed, smooches. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW WEEKS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus comes back today! I'm so happy I could step on a tiny woman! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hooray! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hooray for her coming back, not hooray for you stepping on a tiny woman to express excitement. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now we are clear! And yet, I still want to step on more tiny women!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW WEEKS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX (THINKING) [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] i guess she didn't get me any souvenirs |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is crazy. I shouldn't be this bothered by something so small. We're adults! Dromiceiomimus doesn't have to bring me back anything! She never did in the past. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why is this bothering me so much? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I wanted to talk to you because I'm - um, I'm a little upset that you didn't bring me back anything from Australasia. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, it's dumb! But I keep thinking about it and I though you should know. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well... what do you want me to do about it, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MAN, that is the LAST TIME I ever talk about feelings! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was disappointed that Dromiceiomimus didn't get me anything from her trip, and that feeling had been lingering. OKAY. But, instead of IGNORING my feelings like i always do, BURYING them, GIVING THEM A CLASSY FUNERAL, I talked to her and now she probably thinks I'm crazy! ARGH! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] You know what? Maybe I WILL take Utahraptor's extremely good advice (not pictured!) |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Could it be? Could it be true that the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One way to find out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, hey, D.! I was just stomping around here, you know, "stomping the old houses!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What are you up to? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hi, T-Rex. What's gotten into you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha, nothing of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! Excuse me, please! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy cow... what a disaster! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What was?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um... look, you can't tell ANYONE, but I think the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The Dromiceiomimus? No way! I thought she broke it off with you, like, three years ago! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She did! But you don't understand! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] She called me "lovely" yesterday! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE AMAZING TECHNICAL ORIGINS OF WORDS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] prepare yourself for a journey into adventure [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] and WORDS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's word: "TOTALLED: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you trash something, you might say, "Daaamn! I just totalled my own legs!!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] This conveys the meaning of "Curses. I have destroyed my walkin' parts." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Indeed!! But that slang actually comes from the insurance industry: there, if a car is damaged, and the cost of repairs is greater than the TOTAL value of the vehicle, then it's said to be totalled! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Neat! Are there other slang words that have an origin in technical writing? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES, my friend. OH YES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example, "idiot", "moron", and "imbecile" were once terms used by psychologists to denote various degrees of developmental delay. Neutral terms, if you can believe that! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I find that hard to believe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And yet, you must! ACTUALLY, "idiot" began life in ancient Greece - [SPEAKER] IDIOT [LINE] NO I DIDN'T [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] . . . in ancient Greece, as a term referring to people who are self-interested to the point of being anti-social. THAT WAS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. We weren't talking about you, Idiot! [SPEAKER] IDIOT [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] SORRY DUDES!! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe it's time for me to start... A NEW RELIGION! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] MAYBE NOT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But maybe it is though!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND HIS BRAND NEW RELIGION [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a comic about a talking dinosaur? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay so in this new religion you should be nice to each other because that's nice. And you can do whatever you want as long as there is informed consent between all parties involved. And everyone gets bikes. I will say that if you join my religion then you get a new bike. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How many religions have you started so far, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! THIS IS ONLY THE THIRD! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STARTING A NEW RELIGION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I can't believe how awesome it is! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Um... but - uh, how can you afford that? Bikes aren't free. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] What the hell, man? |
[SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX DUDE CAN YOU THINK OF ANY SWEET NAMES FOR HORSES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES I CAN. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Definitely Gonna Win; Definitely Gonna Place, Anyway; Horseasaurus Rex; Two Chicks In A Horse Suit; Two Sprinters In A Horse Suit; Actually Four Smaller Horses I Just Taped Together; Actually A Giant Dog I Found; Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse 2; Marty McHorse. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you coming up with horse names? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes ! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] NORMALLY, they're limited to eighteen characters. So you'll have to stick with names like Enuf Tequila Horse, Hoof Hearted, Yoshi : The Horse, Horseback Mountain, and Robohorse. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But what about Robo-horse meets Cyberhorse, Robohorse and the Chamber of Secrets, and King's Quest Horse? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER T-REX IS FORCED TO APOLOGIZE TO THE HORSES FOR "SADDLING" THEM WITH STUPID NAMES: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] sorry horses |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I ever build an office building, I'll have room 403 have a lock on its door, and then it'll go straight to room 405. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What happened to room 404? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! Looks like it's Not Found!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's like the HTTP error code. 404: not found! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen. My joke is tremendously hilarious. It's a double joke, because 403 means "Forbidden" and there's a lock on the door. That is comedy right there. That is a one-way ticket to Laughtertowne, USA. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] HTTP error code jokes? Seriously? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THEY'RE FUNNY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Room 501 doesn't have a door yet. It's Not Implemented! And there's a big hole where room 410 should be, because it's Gone. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] None of these are going to be funny. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Room 304 is how you remember it! It's - it's [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] it's Not Modified |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's always struck me as weird that genres developed when they did. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why weren't people rapping until ony a few decades ago? Did people in olden times just not like to hip to the hop, and then not stop? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Was rapping to the beat and trying to get you to move your feet not considered... viable? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the same thing with any genre and medium, really! How come nobody thought of science fiction until Verne wrote "Forsooth, diary! To-day I am going to invente scientifical fictionne!"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I want to listen to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11 in A Major, K. 331, and I want a long dead man announcing yes yes to y'all over it. Why does history stymie me and my awesome wishes? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You want to hear music from before the invention of recorded sound! Nice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But you get the idea! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, there's a huge number of societal and cultural factors to consider. For example, people SANG over music, and it's not that big a step from rap. I'm sure there where people experimenting in that direction throughout history, and it just didn't catch on for a variety of reasons. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, this is blues riff in B. Watch me for the changes, an uh, try to keep up. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, and you don't stop!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Mozart! I SAID to watch me for the changes and try to keep up! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for me to invent a new emotion! This emotion is for when you're nostalgic for a time you were never alive in, like when a chick is nostalgic for a time of pirates! Or, when a dude misses being a 16th century courtesan. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It also happens when folks spend a lot of time wishing they could be Shakespeare's Pal! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But you can't really invent a new emotion- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, let me just stop you there. If you're going to say that emotions are FELT, not invented, and that as I couldnt "invent" gravity so too can I not invent a feeling, but merely observe and perhaps label it, then that is a good point that I should have considered myself. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Alright! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's this specific breed of nostalgia called? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Proto-nostalgia! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Proto-nostalgia is a proper subclass of nostalgia. It's a new feeling for a new generation. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But "proto" implies "before" - couldn't there be a better name for this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps your opinions will change.. when you check out my ULTRASWEET poster! [SPEAKER] POSTER [LINE] PROTONOSTALGIA [SPEAKER] POSTER T-REX [LINE] Do you miss being a pirate? I miss being a pirate. We've all made some bad decisions. [SPEAKER] POSTER SUB HEADING [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] emotion by t-rex |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! I don't live at home! I'm responsible for getting my own food and for making sure I don't die most of the time. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm an adult now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AND SINCE I AM AN ADULT, it is time for me to define a new, adult, personality. It's time for me to subscribe to some friggin' magazines! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You already have a personality, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but the mailman doesn't know that! Credit agencies and consumer profilers don't know that. People impatiently suffling through my mail don't know that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You want to help these guys out? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Look. I GUESS I DO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The point is, in today's modern culture, subscribing to magazines is the easiest way to say "Hey. These are the sorts of things I am interested in. I am $2.50 a month interested in snowmobiles." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But you're not. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, maybe the magazine will pique my interest! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX YOU ARE 10 YEARS BEHIND THE TIMES KIDS TODAY JUST ADD SNOWMOBILES TO THEIR INTERESTS LIST ON SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm gonna get a magazine about explosions! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LISTEN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] THAT'S AWESOME AND I NEED TO BORROW THAT |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This situation with the Dromiceiomimus has raised some interesting romantic questions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is love? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it nothing more than a convenience, a mere- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] -oh! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hi there, T-Rex! What's nothing more than a convenience? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] oh, hello there. Um, ha ha, you know what? I don't remember! Well, be seeing you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear Lord! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This has got to stop! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Trouble in paradise? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! I can't even vocalize my own self-obsessed musings because I'm suddenly afraid of what the Dromiceiomimus might think! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why is that bothering you? You've never cared what I think, you inconsistent bastard! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Don't judge me! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX (THOUGHT BUBBLE) [LINE] Okay, so it turns out that you're a guy with a sucky turn-on. This is bad, T-Rex. You need to fix this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need to fix this. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND HIS SUCKY FETISH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I've always maintained that you can't just decide to change your sexual orientation! How can I then go ahead and try to change what turns me on? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You want to change your sexual orientation, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! I'm turned on by scrambled eggs spontaneously climbing back into the shell! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] More so than usual!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I have hope for you, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You do? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! You were down because you've got this impossible fetish, but it turns out the second law of thermodynamics is one of the few STATISTICAL laws of physics - which means it's not actually impossible for an egg to randomly descramble itself for a while! It's just FANTASTICALLY unlikely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I have an important announcement to make! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Knowing my fetish is technically possible only serves to increase my desire to see it happen! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "On The Menu, by T-Rex.". Ahem. "As Amelia and Antonio Tony who are the two members of the wait staff in this story took off their clothes, they realized that sexual intercourse was probably 'On The Menu' tonight!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "'Excellent!' they said, in unison!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Well, almost in unison. Antonio Tony, the man, was a little slow on that. It was because he was thinking of his taxes. '10 thousand dollars in taxes!', he though, 'That is a lot of money. Where am I going to find that money?' Then Tony and Amelia had sexual relations." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "The sexual intercourse was cut short because Tony kept muttering 'Where am I gonna find the 10 thousand dollars though?'" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are you reciting, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My new book! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's called "On the menu: Sexy stories for People with Problems" and in all the stories the sex gets derailed because the people are worried about their Problems. The cover looks like a menu because it ties in well with the title. Now, if you'll allow me to continue? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "One day a couple was having sex but their car window was broken. The man thought a kid broke it. Instead of sex they wondered how it happened. I, the narrator, was the one who did it! They never found out, and I won the lottery! The end!!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Okay even I think that one's not so good. |
[SPEAKER] T-REX (THINKING) [LINE] sex [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX YOU SURE HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SEX A LOT LATELY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I haven't!! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YEAH MAN FOR THE PAST FIVE DAYS THIS IS YOU [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT SEX HUH PRETTY SEXY HEY I'M GONNA DIRECT THE CONVERSATION TOWARDS IT [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THAT WAS YOU JUST THEN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay MAYBE I've been talking about it a lot lately. MAYBE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's not my fault! I just have such good ideas for erotica. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They're terrible! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They're like - joke ideas for erotica. Nobodies going to read corporate erotica, which was the idea you were imagining yesterday. You explained it to me afterwords and that's how come I know about it now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So plausible! [SPEAKER] T-REX (THINKING) [LINE] sex [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX I CAN PRACTICALLY SEE THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD [SPEAKER] T-REX (THINKING) [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] aw dang |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have other interests beyond sex! For example I am interested in... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... the Capgras delusion! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Capgras delusion occurs when someone believes that someone close to them - a dear friend, spouse, or family member - has been replaced by an identical-looking duplicate! What seems to happen is that the automatic EMOTIONAL responses to seeing someone familiar one day stop happening, so when they meet their loved one, they have an intense feeling of something being OFF about them. They don't feel like they normally do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And that means they believe they've been replaced by a duplicate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some of the time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not everyone leaps from that feeling to "they've been replaced", but some do, and that's the Capgras delusion! There's variants where people feel that their pets have been replaced, or their shoes, or things like that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's probably really terrifying and frustrating that nobody is willing to believe you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can imagine! What's neat though is that it's sometimes based on VISUAL recognition, so that affected person will be fine talking to their loved ones on the phone! It makes me glad I don't have any mental illnesses. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM HELLO YOU HEAR GOD [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] JUST UH PUTTIN' THAT OUT THERE |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know who's never been drunk? NOT EVER? NOT EVEN ONCE?? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IS IT YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's me, dude! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WOW THAT'S SO FASCINATING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is! It's on account of how I've got so much body mass that it takes a lot to get me TOTALLY WASTED. I've been buzzed, but never drunk! I've never had a hangover! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] also i don't really like the taste of alcohol [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you don't drink to excess! Hooray! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, but that's the thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's been times when my friends have TRIED to get me drunk, but they either run out of money or get drunk enough themselves that they forget about the experiment before I'm super sloppy. The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Look, if you want to get drunk, just drink more. It's not that great. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX DECIDES TO DRINK A BUNCH A FEW NIGHTS LATER. NOW IT'S THE NEXT MORNING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy hopscotch! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Being hung over is like winning the lottery, except they pay you in regret! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, what a busy day. Time for me to go to bed and be naked and unconscious for, oh, about eight hours! [SPEAKER] MUSIC [LINE] Party party party hard Party in a dude's backyard Party party party nice Party hard to be precise [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Later: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So there I was, lying my in bed, ALMOST ASLEEP, and this terrible techno music starts blasting! It wasn't even good techno. It was terrible. It was so loud that even when I closed my window I could still hear it! Incidentally, I was lying on my back, so that if the words were rendered visually, they would appear to be sideways. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Of course!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My window's at the head of my bed so that's where the words would come from. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I get it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway THE POINT is that I came up with an elaborate revenge scheme in case it ever happens again. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What is it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so obvious! I'm going to learn how to throw knives at a distance such that they can cut speaker wires! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A few months later: [SPEAKER] TECHNOFAN [LINE] Hey, our terrible techno music stopped! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] KNIFE to meet you, gentlemen!! Sorry if I flew off the HANDLE. And now, I BLADE you adieu! [SPEAKER] TECHNOFAN [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Guys!! Nobody but the guy who did it could make such puns! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a problem! The problem is that when I'm chatting online with someone, I - I sometimes steal their writing styles? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like I have no chatting identity of my own! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If they're not using capital letters, I'll stop using them too, because I don't want to seem all hoity-toity! And if they're using smilies then I might throw a few in, just so they don't feel like I look down on them. It's like - I'm somehow so insecure about how I type that I become this chatting chameleon. You know, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I guess? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, I wish you'd adopt MY chatting style, both style-wise AND content-wise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *gasp* [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, I'm always, "Hey, here I am ready to intelligently discuss the Issues of the Day" and you're all "d00d what's for breakfast?? :OOO!". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Well. Maybe. But I feel comfortable with you! I guess I do it for people I haven't known for as long. I'll do better next time, ok? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dino babies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THIS IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! Dino babies! I'm - I'm going to write a story in which we're all babies! And friends. Friendly dino babies! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are we precocious? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We'll talk and go on adventures even though we're all in diapers! So, yes! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DINO BABIES GOES STRAIGHT TO #1! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! You totally ripped me off!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I didn't! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] YES YOU DID. Baby Utah is CLEARLY based on me, and it's not even a flattering likeness. "I made a baby barfie"? I don't even talk like that! Babies don't even talk like that!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, my muse says otherwise? [SPEAKER] BABY UTAH [LINE] i made a baby barfie [SPEAKER] BABY T-REX [LINE] hah hah hah! [SPEAKER] BABY T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] aw damn i made one too |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Enough of these high-school "does she like me?" shenanigans! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time to take matters into my own hands! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hi, Dromiceiomimus. You're probably wondering why I'm stomping on this house. The reason is that I think we need to have a talk, and this was an excuse for us to spend some time together. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um. OK. Let's go back to my place, and I'll make some tea. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's this I hear about tea with a certain Dromiceiomimian friend of ours?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What do you mean? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Didn't you two have tea yesterday? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh! Yeah, it was nice. We had "chai" tea. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And...? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] And then we had dinosaur sex! |
[SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR MOUTH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Are you sure you want to know? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] MOST DEFINITELY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. But it's gross! I was riding my bike and I accidentally -- I'm sorry, this is disgusting. There was a dead mouse on the side of the road, and it was bloated and had obviously been there for a while, and by the time I noticed it, it was too late to avoid. I ran over it and it burst and some of it flew up and landed on my lips. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HAH HAH OH MAN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] GROSS [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're telling that story again? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God asked! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but T-Rex, it's not a flattering story! When people look at your lips they might start to think "mouse guts" instead, and then they won't want to kiss you anymore. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well...it's just God. It's not like he's gonna broadcast it on the radio or anything. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX I KINDA JUST TOLD THE STORY TO EVERYONE IN HEAVEN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man! Everyone who ever lived and didn't suck knows it now? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I ALSO ENCODED IT INTO THE DNA OF SEVERAL NEW SPECIES [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SO UH [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] THAT'S SOMETHING |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a great idea! A way to add DRAMA to our everyday lives. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's all promise to meet in a pub somewhere in 10 years! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It'll be rad, Dromiceiomimus! It'll be an element of predictability in an otherwise chaotic universe. It'll let us know that no matter what we do, we'll still be able to see each other in a decade! We'll be able to catch up. We'll have a plan in our lives! It'll be SO MUCH FUN. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I guess, sure! But what if one of us is on the other side of the world? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, or what if one of us is dead? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then it will be POIGNANT. And BITTERSWEET. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I get the sentiment, but I think it's a better idea on paper than realized. In real life, even if we survive, we'll end up weighing the cost of a plane ticket against a decade-old pact made for no real reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please? Promise to meet me in a pub in 10 years, okay? [SPEAKER] FUTURE T-REX [LINE] T-Rex! It's me: yourself from 10 years in the future! We're just going to call everyone "bastards" when we meet up with them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Don't listen to him, okay? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have just had the greatest idea. Oh my goodness. Everyone named "Jennifer" will probably hate me. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S GREAT IDEA [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] oh my goodness [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] everyone named "jennifer" will probably hate him [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's tons of women named Jennifer, right Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's a popular name. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a popular name! And all I'm gonna do is invent a new verb: JENNIF. Then, suddenly, everyone named Jennifer is saying that they are the ones who jennif! They LOVE to jennif. They are JENNIFERS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just need to decide what jennifing is! Is it... TRANSITIVE? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Make it something sexual, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It'll be hilarious for all us non-Jennifers! Make it mean kissing someone on the nose and then blowing into the nostrils. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! I find it suspicious that you had this manoeuver all ready to go, AND YET, I welcome it enthusiastically! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, couple making out across the street! She just jennifed you, dude!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] EXCUSE ME, HE LIKES IT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Dromiceiomimus? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So Dromiceiomimus was making out with some random guy and jennifing his face. That's fine. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No it's not fine. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I thought we had a thing going! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't know why you're talking about this here, of all places, T-Rex, but we DO have a thing going. We have a very deep friendship. But you keep making noises about maybe it being something more and never acting on them and I don't like feeling like I'm waiting around for someone. What I have with Tarbosaurus is nice, and I'm sorry, I know I should have told you sooner, but I wasn't sure it was going to amount to anything until recently! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-rex? Hey, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? Oh, sorry, I was lost in thought. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus is dating a new guy, Utahraptor! I kinda feel like - well, anyway, whatever. I don't have time for all these feelings. I'm off to test drive some friggin' De Loreans! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] There are no active De Lorean dealerships. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WELL THEN. I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT HERE WITH MY FEELINGS THEN. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] WOO HOO |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Having conversations can be hard! Sometimes you will not know waht to say and then you'll look dumb. If someone says "What do you think?" and you say "Uh - um, see, - uhh..." then you will look dumb. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't really have a solution to this. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, forget that! I can come up with a solution. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] For what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For CONVERSATIONS. Sometimes people don't know what to say and I'd like to give them an all-purpose query they can use in that circumstance. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's it! Utahraptor! "SERIOUSLY?" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] JUDGE [LINE] T-Rex, you're on trial for stomping on hundreds of tiny women. Court is now in session. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SERIOUSLY? [SPEAKER] JUDGE [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Hah! One thing's for certain: you sure can carry on a conversation! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have the best idea for a Batman comic. It's a Batman comic about a Batman who exists in our world, the real world. But he doesn't know he's Batman yet. And his name is Bruce Swain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's clever because it sounds like "Bruce Wayne" but nobody would realize it unless they said it out loud. Everything is similar but different in MY comic! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Haven't they done that before? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] His best friend is Clark Ent! They haven't done THAT before. "Clark Ent." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's your story? You need a story beyond your premise. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not when the premise is this good, baby! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, fine - THE STORY is that Bruce doesn't know he's Batman but then one day he reads a Batman comic that flutters down from the sky and realizes that he should be the Batman of our universe. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And then he gets shot by a random criminal! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT? NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO BATMAN. [SPEAKER] TINY BATMAN HEAD [LINE] i don't know why people say in real life i would be shot. i wear bullet-proof armour! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I know, man! I know!! |
[SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LISTEN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE A TINY BATMAN HEAD AROUND YOU YESTERDAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Indubitably! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SO MY QUESTION TO THAT IS WHAT'S THE DEAL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As near as I can figure it, the only logical explanation is that I love Batman SO MUCH that it made him real! He's real now or at least his head is real now and he wants to hang out with me because I understand him like nobody else does. He's gonna teach me how to punch someone sneaking up behind me without even turning around. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Batman's not real, T-Rex! I can't believe I'm saying this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But you saw his tiny floating head yesterday! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, I didn't. I saw you say "you can't do that to Batman" and then say "I know! I know!!" and then I though "It's a good thing you're not easily embarrassed, Utahraptor. You're a good guy for not being easily embarrassed." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] FLOATING BATMAN HEAD [LINE] i have to go away for a while, t-rex. thank you for making me real, if only for a little while. always remember me. [SPEAKER] T=REX [LINE] I - I will, Batman. [SPEAKER] FLOATING BATMAN HEAD [LINE] also always remember how i could beat superman in a fight. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] It's so obvious! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What I'll remember best about my night with the Dromiceiomimus could only be one thing... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The many games of "Scrabble"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if it isnt Ms. "Syzygy" herself! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] The sooner you accept that's a word, T-Rex, the sooner you'll be able to accept your crushing loss in the field of word creation and manipulation using pseudo-random letters as atoms. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Never! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Those were indeed good games of "Scrabble"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You played "Scrabble" without me?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, the Dromiceiomimus and I played, two nights ago. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Was this before or after the dinosaur sex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] During! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] I GUESS WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a web card [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! LOOKS LIKE IT, bucko! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love the idea of someone who sends a card after a night of sex. It's sort of classy but also sort of insane? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I've never seen a "thanks for the sex" card. What do they say? "Hey sweet stuff / That sex was fine / An offer of less sex / I would decline"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! "Hey baby, thanks for the sex! / It was hot / (in most respects.)" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, are we writing "thanks for the sex" cards? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! We totally are!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey baby / that sex was fantastic / I hope next time / I'll be more enthusiastic? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey sweetie / that sex was neat / although we weren't / exactly discreet. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey sexy / that sex was great! / It is how / we procreate! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That one's accurate! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, to the recipient of this card: we had sex last night / and it was nice / I hope we used / a birth control device! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] The end! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] I GUESS I HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT even though we didn't have sex [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A WEB CARD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Classy, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, dear recipient of this card: the sender had a good time last night, even though you didn't have sex with him! You don't NEED to have sex to have a good time. Just like me! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yesterday you told me you wanted your epitaph to be "T-Rex Always Needed Sex To Have A Good Time." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's just - it's such bad timing that you would mention that right now, Dromiceiomimus. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did you seriously say you wanted that as your epitaph? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was joking! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I have an epitaph I want it to be "Here Lies T-Rex / He Was Great / Actually Hold On A Second / He's Still Alive." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright then. Well. Back to the card, huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear card recipient, the sender had a good time last night, even though you two didn't have sex! I'm going to say your name now to show how personalized this card is. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here I go! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] " " |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I LIKE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS a web "card" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your email address! It's - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's SO GOOD. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe it's whoistopless@ohheyeveryoneitsme.com, dowepartyhard@yesthatishowweparty.net, OR imtiredofpartying@guessimelderlynow.co.uk. Any of those are good. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But not great. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GOOD, but not great. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The focus on partying appeals, though! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, but the point of this card is that the recipient doesn't know the sender! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The sender's weird. I'm gonna assume she's a woman! She types in random email addresses she thinks are cool and then sends them web cards. What's her deal? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] whatisherdeal@irepeatwhat-is-her-deal.com. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] EXACTLY. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW WEEKS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's this, an email? From itsnotmybloodthankgoodness@iwokeupcoveredinblood.org? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] How INTRIGUING! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I bet I still have all sorts of secret skills I just haven't discovered yet. Like - like throwing my voice! [SPEAKER] FUTURE T-REX [LINE] Yoo-hoo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH MY GOODNESS I JUST DID IT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! I can throw my voice! Check it out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yoo-hoo! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wow! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NO, not wow - that didn't work! But I did it before. I threw my voice before and it was AMAZING. I just need more practice! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ahem. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait!! It worked! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just realized I'm even better than I thought! I'm not just throwing my voice through space - I'm also throwing it through TIME! I can send messages to the past by simply throwing my voice there! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, I'm gonna need some proof for that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Easy! I'll just remember to send a message back to this exact moment! [SPEAKER] FUTURE T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I'm gonna kiss you so much in ten minutes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Um - that, ah, wasn't me. |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED CLASSIC SCIENCE FICTION SHORT STORIES today's story: THE LAST QUESTION BY ISAAC ASIMOV [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay in this story I'm a computer called Multivac! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, ask me if there will ever be a way to stop the sun from running down. Ask me if there will ever be a way to prevent the entire Universe from cooling down and dying. Ask ne if entropy can ever be reversed. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Will there ever be a way to do that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Insufficient data for meaningful answer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay Utahraptor, now it's centuries later and you ask me the same thing. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, how do I reverse entropy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Insufficient data for meaningful answer! Okay so trillions of years have gone by and we've spread across the universe and gotten more and more advanced. Soon all life merges with me and your question is the only one I could never answer. I spend timeless intervals pondering it, okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Actually I'm not going to spoil the ending! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have an extra $50 that I have saved. I believe I will put it in my bank account! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] NO T-REX THAT IS A BAD IDEA [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IF YOU LEAVE MONEY IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IT GETS INTEREST BUT IF IT'S NOT AS MUCH AS INFLATION YOU'RE ACTUALLY LOSING MONEY PLUS YOUR INVESTMENTS COULD BE MAKING MORE ON THE STOCK MARKET [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Fine! I'll invest my stupid $50 in the stock market. Okay? HAPPY? I'll invest my $50 in a company that makes NECKTIES FOR UNDERACHIEVING DOGS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But before you do that, T-Rex, you should consider your investment goals! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously! This is important. You need to decide: what do you want out of your investments? Security? Rapid growth? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen: all I want out of life is for my bank account to have 58,008 dollars in it, so that when I read my statement upside down, it says "BOOBS". [SPEAKER] BANNER [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Worst answer to "What do you want out of your investments" question TODAY'S CHAMPION |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just had the funniest thought! The thought was, wouldn't it be HILARIOUS if someone thought that I was coasting on past successes? That would be funny because it's SO not me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SO. NOT. ME. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, T-Rex. . . maybe it is you a little, you know? You do kind of talk yourself up a bit. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I only do that when I've done something awesome - like. . . like when I built a larger-than-life statue of myself! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That was a year ago! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT IS SEVERAL STORIES TALL. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT FOR LONGER THAN A DAY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! Dromiceiomimus is crazy. I've done tons of stuff! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Nobody's arguing that! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But what have you done LATELY? I actually think that maybe you coast a bit on your past successes, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? I do not!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously! I do not. [SPEAKER] BANNER [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Worst answer to "What do you want out of your investments" question YESTERDAY'S CHAMPION |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ISLAND DWARFISM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Island dwarfism is BASICALLY the best form of evolution ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's SO CUTE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Basically, the idea is that if a species gets to an island and is then isolated, it can evolve on its own, apart from what's happening on the rest of the planet. And if food supplies are limited, as they often are on islands, smaller individuals have an evolutionary advantage since they need less food to live! If the larger species survives at all, it usually survives by shrinking. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How much shrinkage are we talking about here? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness, Utahraptor, you have no idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can get dwarf ELEPHANTS. Tiny little elephants with tiny little tusks! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but how tin- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is a 98% reduction in mass tiny enough for you? Utahraptor. THEY ARE THE MAYORS OF TINY TOWNE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER: [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] Hullo T-Rex, my name is "Mr. Tusks" and I'm a tiny elephant! Someone left me on this island for too long. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness, Mr. Tusks! Are you the MAYOR of Tiny Towne? [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] vice-mayor |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Island gigantism is a pretty okay form of evolution. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's okay. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ISLAND GIGANTISM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So what happens here is you've got a population that's so isolated on an island, but you have plenty of food and no predators! So smaller animals like birds and rodents that normal had to stay tiny to avoid being eaten are free from that constraint, and so they can evolve to be enormous. Giant turtles! Giant cockroaches! Giant birds! The dodo started out as a pigeon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And now, all the dodos are dead! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And now, all the dodos are dead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's depressing, eh? It's the problem with island gigantism: as soon as we discover the island, we tend to either eat all the animals ourselves, or introduce new predators that find these trusting giants to be EASY PICKINS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! It's too bad. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mr Tusks, do you ever get depressed thinking about all the animals we've made extinct? [SPEAKER] MR TUSKS [LINE] I guess I get a... TINY bit depressed, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Oh, Mr. Tusks! how do you always know just what to say? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder if there would ever be a nation in the future that described itself in opposition to other nations! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Happy Canada Day Comics [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And in this future-nation there would be trees! And lakes! And birds! And beavers! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Beavers would be important, somehow. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also this future-land everybody would live in igloos and fight bears. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Igloos? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! Because my future-country is in the great while north and therefore everybody lives in igloos. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's a cultural stereotype T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So? It's my made-up country. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It doesn't actually exsist , you know. It is MADE-UP. CHIMERICAL. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Happy [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Canada [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Day |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, okay, so we can modify our personality, right? We're not the same people we were when we were six years old, and part of that has to be controlled by us. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We make New Year's Resolutions for a reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So we've got a self-modifying system: we examine our personality, determine things we don't like, and try to make them better. But how do we decide what we don't like? Our personality must feed into that process too! So you've got this feedback loop that goes all the way back to when we were born and started making decisions. And it seems to me that if you changed just a tiny thing early on, you could get a completely different adult down the road! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sensitive dependence on initial conditions! It's chaos theory applied to personalities, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, some issues off just the top of my head: you haven't proven your assumption of control (conscious or otherwise) over personality, you seem to assume that babies are born as a blank slate with no initial personality, you leave the idea of "personality" pretty ill defined for something so central to your argument, and you haven't shown that altering behaviour (viz., Resolutions) is the same as altering personality. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] how does he make his voice so small |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SLANG FOR TEENS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Teens! Are you interested in slang? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is some handy slang for you, teens! "Bad" means "good". For example, "that rock concert was BAD!" Further, "bogus" means "bad", but these aren't transitive. Something that's bogus isn't good. "Bodacious" means "good", but these aren't symmetric either. A salad might be bodacious if it's exceptional, though. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've never had one like that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is there any reason why you're only doing outdated 80s slang? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is there any reason why you're being such a DWEEB-O-RAMA? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH SNAP! Who just got burned by his best friend for some mild criticism? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! It says here that it's you! It says right here on "BURN CHART 2007" that you're #1! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW MINUTES LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I've got some regrets! |
[SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] THE GUY WHO STILL KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] This Time"#8230; The Farmer Is More Exasperated At All The Bites! The Sequel To The Movie That You Saw Before. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I bet I can get AT LEAST three more movies out of this premise! [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] TEH GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS - IN LOVE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love biting animals. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I love "#8212; you! [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] What a great romantic comedy! Will they get together at the end? "#8230;What if there was a musical montage?"#8230; [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] THE TWO GUYS WHO KEPT TAKING BITES"#8230;OUT OF CRIME! [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] They Are Cops Now, Okay [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] Direct to VHS [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] THE TWO BITEY GUYS DISCUSS EARLY APPROACHES TOWARDS LAISSEZ-FAIRE CAPITALISM [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] "Five stars"#8230;out of a possible FOUR!" [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] "I liked all the jump cuts" [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] THE BITEY GUY THAT YOU LIKED FROM BEFORE IS BACK ONLY THIS TIME HE HAS A SEXY LESBIAN FRIEND [SPEAKER] MOVIE POSTER TEXT [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] THE MOVIE |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have been quietly seeking out part-time employment, and my search has finally come to an end! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tomorrow, I start in my new employ. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will be a bouncer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if people start causing trouble, I will say, "Are you looking for trouble, Mister? Because you have found the trouble you were looking for!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I will stomp on him like this! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or perhaps like this! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Quit stomping on people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I cannot, for now I work as a bouncer and stomping on unruly customers is part of my job! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Fine then, I'm going to get a job as a T-Rex hunter. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Shooting T-Rexes will be part of MY job! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Noooo! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In verificationism, a sentence has to be verifiably true (or false!) for it to be meaningful. Not bad, guys! I think this is one philosophy that is verifiably REASONABLE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So that's it for arguing about religion! Can't verify faith! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In fact, that's it for a lot of debate, because how can you argue FACTS? Most verificationist arguments must end with the parties involved looking things up in an encyclopaedia together and then firmly shaking hands. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But if they can't verify something, what do they do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They agree that the sentence is meaningless! If it can't be checked, there's no use considering it, so it's ignored. Facts only please!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But how does anyone know what's true? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because... because of Science? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on, T-Rex, you know better! Science is about being empirically ACCURATE, which might not be the same thing as being true. Plus your senses could be lying to you, you could be a brain in a jar, etc.. If you're going to be verificationist, you're going to need a pretty impregnable definition of "truth". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aha! But I can't VERIFY that my senses are liars, nor can I verify that I'm a brain in a jar! How does THAT taste, Utahraptor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can verify the science thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Can you just tell me how it tastes, when you put THAT in your pipe and smoke it? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, I know some truths that are absolute: mathematical truths! How could I have been so blind? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is a FACT that one plus one equals two! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I need is a way to convert mathematical truths to the real world and I WILL NEVER BE WRONG AGAIN! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um - I'm sorry to break it to you, T-Rex, but mathematical truths aren't absolute either. Math is built on a priori assumptions: you start with a few things that you assume are true and build on them! Stuff like "1+2 is the same as 2+1". Then you build up a mathematical system around that, but that doesn't mean math is true. It's just - consistent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But... 1+2 IS the same as 2+1! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or so you think, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Damn my potentially-flawed senses! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] When our mathematical assumptions APPEAR to match up with reality, the results may also seem to apply - but math isn't any more "true" because of that! It's still based on unproven/unprovable assumptions. And you can actually build up systems where you decide that 1+2 does not equal 2+1, and they're just as consistent! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, everyone I've ever met and ever will meet! Never mention the "flawed senses" idea again, okay? It prevents me from knowing absolute truth. [SPEAKER] EVERYONE T-REX HAS EVER MET AND EVER WILL MEET [LINE] SURE THING, T-REX! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Patrick Stewart! What are you doing here? [SPEAKER] PATRICK STEWART [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] um, being BORED |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have gone too far "down the rabbit hole" and am reduced to being sure only of my own thoughts, and even then some other chump could be projecting them into my head. To that I say: "whatEVER!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People do fine with approximations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So what if truth is a platonic ideal that can't be reached? I'm fine with that! When someone says to me, "T-Rex, your birthday is this Saturday," will I demand they prove it? No. I will say "wicked sweettimes" and then I would say "what did you get me" and then I would say "I bet it's so awesome" and that will be that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, your birthday really is this Saturday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See? It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OR, it's close enough to true that we all agree on it. Brains in jars don't get birthdays! This is the reality I'm living in, and if it's not real then OH WELL, at least we'll all be eating ice cream cake come Saturday. You know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I hear you! [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] Hey, T-Rex! This ice cream cake is delicious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks! Don't you think it tastes like... philosophical compromise? [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] Only a little! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] But you can hardly taste it, eh? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if... what if I had the BEST HOUSE EVER this Hallowe'en? [SPEAKER] GUYS [LINE] T-Rex! This house is SPOOK-TACULAR! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I totally know!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must make this dream come true! But HOW? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What if you made your house spiritually scary, T-Rex? Like, instead of a corpse, a mannequin of a woman who is realizing that she has married badly. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not bad! And I could have a spooky tape, but instead of chainsaws and screams, I'd have the voice of a man quietly dictating memories of his youth, knowing Alzheimer's will rob him of them soon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But these ideas won't be scary for passers-by! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure they will! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They need explanation! The best scares are like the best art, where you get it viscerally, without a little placard beneath it that says "OKAY. SO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS ALZHEIMER'S." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, you just wait! Kids will be boarding the train to SCARYTOWNE at my house. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: [SPEAKER] KID [LINE] Mister, why is that man talking about when he was a kid? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because he's got a disease that robs him of his memories, relationships and identity. It is death before death. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Oooh, what scary costumes! |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] JANUARY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, the start of a brand new year. There's so much potential! What could possibly go wrong? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FEBRUARY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stood up on Valentine's day? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MARCH: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stood up on ST. PATRICK'S DAY?! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww, T-Rex, we can still hang out and drink green beer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks, Dromiceiomimus. But man, who stands someone up on St. Patrick's day? BESIDES MY DATE, THAT IS!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS STOOD UP AGAIN, TODAY, ON CINCO DE MAYO. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aww, T-Rex! It'll be okay! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SEPTEMBER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Remember my St. Patrick's Day date? The woman who stood me up? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TODAY IS LABOUR DAY (LABOR DAY IN THE UNITED STATES) AND SHE STOOD ME UP AGAIN. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DECEMBER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] You know, besides being stood up all the time, it wasn't actually that bad a year! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know how in stories, whenever a character has the chance, he always decides that it's too dangerous to know too much about his own future? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, I would like to know too much, please! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Knowing who I marry, knowing where I end up living - all of these would be great timesavers! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yeah, but then you'd lose the hoy of living your own life! There'd be no more surprises. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, knowing just one thing, then. Going through life knowing that no matter what, I'm going to win the lottery, for example! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or, knowing that no matter what, you're NEVER going to win the lottery! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also good! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just want one little tidbit, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay - um, NO MATTER WHAT, one day you're going to... eat a whole pif? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man I coulda told you that! I accidentally almost ate a whole pig at breakfast, you know? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH AN ATTACKING BEAR IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND THEN HE'LL BEND OVER IN PAIN AND THEN YOU'LL ELBOW HIM IN THE BACK [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] My future! It's... it's so AWESOME... |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, someone will break up with you. Aw snaps! What do you say to THAT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some things you can say to that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "It's okay, sweetie! I'm sure one day you'll find someone ALMOST as good as me!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "You can't fire me, baby! I quit!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Don't you think you should have settled while you were ahead?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "What if your next boyfriend is uglier?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Honestly though, I will always treasure the time we had together. I liked who I was with you - who we were together - and I hope we'll both be able to take that with us in the future. You've changed me and you're a part of who I am. I know our relationship will be different now, but I can't imagine ever not loving you." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] "Oh, were we dating?" |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, guess what I'M going to do today! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM PLANT MORE FAKE GRAVES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Indeed!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Fake graves...for EVERYONE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One of them will be a dude with the remains of a time machine, and I'm gonna put him down at the Permian-Triassic boundary (the greatest extinction event EVER, in which 95% of all marine species and 70% of all land life became extinct)! I'm gonna make it look like this guy's time machine was responsible. It'll be all there in his notebook. "My time machine accidentally blew up and is responsible for the mass extinctions. Frig." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All of this will go in Dromiceiomimus's back yark, which I forgot to ask permission about! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And in mine? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, in YOUR back yard I'd like to bury a skeleton, but I'm also gonna give him some extra fingers and also we'll cover him in feathers. People will say "Who was this Incredible Feathered Bird Man with all the crazy fingers? Was he - was he a GOD?" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] 'Kay! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, ON TINY-TOWNE ISLAND! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tell me honestly, Mr. Tusks: do you think my grave pranks are DEFINITELY the most awesome ideas you've ever heard? [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] I think they're a...TINY bit awesome, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Mr. Tusks...are you just saying that for the pun? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will consider it as a public service! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To begin: your house is too small and your car is slightly out of scale! And you! Your colouring is improbable! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You, tiny woman, are too tiny and also lack personality! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not a woman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My comments were addressed to the young lady beneath my foot; you were not their intended target. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My apologies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I babysat a pterodactyl last night. It was pretty fun, I red him his favourite stories, we played some games, but then I lost him so I ate some sandwiches and went home. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All in all, a good night! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? You LOST the baby pterodactyl you were sitting? You LOST a BABY? T-Rex! THIS IS A MUCH BIGGER DEAL THAN YOU THINK IT IS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - she can have more, right? She won't mind if one goes missing, right? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Holy cow! She will mind, T-Rex! You are in big trouble! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Holy cow! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] oh no oh no oh no! I lost the baby I was sitting! I am the world's worst babysitter! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] WHAT?! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You lost the baby you were supposed to take care of? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh my god! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're screwed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I'm screwed! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cargo cults are religions that have developed during World War II in island tribal societies exposed to the West! Islanders saw planes delivering amazing and valuable cargo to the troops, and believed it to be divine. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] KARGO KULT KOMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] During the war, the islanders would see this cargo going to the troops and would grow to believe that the gods meant it for them - that the white people were just getting it sooner because of their influential rituals. And of couse, after the war ended and the troops left, the cargo stopped being dropped too. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what happened then? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The islanders started mimicking what they'd seen the troops doing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The result was ersatz marches, imitation airstrips and walkie talkies made out of wood and bamboo, and even torch signal flares, used to signal divine planes that never come! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow! It recasts Western military culture and tools as religious practice and iconography, respectively! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! It's CRAZY! Not in the pejorative sense, but in the more esoteric "Holy crap the Prime Directive on Star Trek was RIGHT" sense of crazy. It's a very particular sense of crazy but I'm feeling it right now! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I'm feeling it right now too, and I don't even watch nerd shows!! |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if - what if I started my OWN cargo cult? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] NO THAT IS NOT ALLOWED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man! You say that for ALL the awesome stuff. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if I put chocolate sauce in my iced tea? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] DON'T DO IT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm gonna!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if I started my OWN waterslide, but put a fine layer of gasoline on top, and then lit it, so that when you slide you could slide through FIRE (EXTREME!!), but then if it got too hot, you'd just have to go underwater to "cool down"? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] NO [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd give you a FREE pass! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] GONNA HAVE TO STICK WITH NOPERS HERE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if I made... carbonated CARBON? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's a terrible idea! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It doesn't even make sense. If you carbonate a solid the best you're gonna get is a solid with carbon dioxide bubbles in it. And if you've done that you've probably come up with Swiss cheese, so upon closer inspection I think this is a great idea as I would actually like some Swiss cheese, please. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] CAN I GET SOME TOO |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AND ADULTS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] I GUESS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! Which kind of street does a ghost love best? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Which? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A DEAD END! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh my goodness! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! Should you laugh... OR RUN IN TERROR? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR PEOPLE INTERESTED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT BATS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Utahraptor! Why don't bats live alone? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know, T-Rex! Why DON'T bats live alone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because they prefer to hang out with their friends! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Bats are nocturnal mammals who can hang upside down while resting. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] GENERATIVE HALLOWE'EN JOKES [SPEAKER] VOICE FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL [LINE] What kind of pie do ghosts like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BOOberry! [SPEAKER] VOICE FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL [LINE] Where do ghosts go on vacation? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mali-BOO! [SPEAKER] VOICE FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL [LINE] Why do ghosts hate slavery? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] Because... they're aBOOlitionists? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Homophones are words that SOUND the same but mean different things, like "news" and "gnus". Way to go only part way, HOMOPHONES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't bother showing up to my dinner party, HOMOPHONES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] More impressive, and still invited for Yukon Potato Gnocchi, are words that are SPELT the same, but have two different meanings: words like "attribute" (to credit something to someone) and "attribute" (a property of something)! One's a noun and one's a verb and it's seriously so awesome. I cannot imagine how to perfect these words, as they are already perfect! Oh ho ho! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But are there really a lot of these words? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Let's be serious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Are you not familiar with accent? Or with addict, combine, conduct, conflict, content, and object? PERHAPS YOU'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO PERFECT, PRESENT, PROGRESS, REFUND, SUSPECT, AND UPSET? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. Well. They're at my dinner party tonight. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER THAT EVENING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! I've got to start inviting REAL people to my parties. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] WAIT WHAT |
[SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATE LAST NIGHT: [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMOGRAPHIC HOMOPHONIC AUTANTONYMS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have not! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THIS MORNING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sorry, other word classes! I have a NEW girlfriend now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A homographic homophonic autantonym is a word that is spelt AND pronounced the same, but has two opposite and contradictory meanings! For example, I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it), or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! Way to go, dust! You are a winner; you are a word that contains multitudes. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Why do we let language get like this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Probably because we want it to be incredibly awesome? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And both "dust"s are the same part of speech there, too, so you can't use word order to determine meaning! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] INDEED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what's going on. And it's even worse with words like "overlook", meaning "examine" but ALSO meaning "miss noticing entirely". Can't rely on the noun there! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How come you love words that make communication difficult? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is not to like? They're words that do their job in the most sarcastic, sullen, passive-aggressive way possible, and they totally get away with it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] I just want to pat them on the head and ruffle their hair, you know? |
[SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He's Just Not That Into You? Come on. I can write a better self-help book for people who want cold-hard yet charmingly sassy relationship advice! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Probably! [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOUR RAMBLEY STORIES [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] they go on for SO long and we all get tired [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO WOMEN WHO REMIND HIM OF HIS MOTHER [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] Personality-Wise? Maybe It's Your Body. [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] HE'S A TOTAL JERK BUT YOU GET MAD AT US IF WE SAY THAT [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] so this book is about dinosaurs instead [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] happy anniversary [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] HE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] he didn't dial the wrong number and then break up with you because he thought you were somebody else with the same name that he no longer wanted to be cheating on you with, is the thing [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] YOUR BODY NO LONGER EXCITES HER [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] the book! |
[SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BUYING T-REX'S RELATIONSHIP BOOKS [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] is it because he's on the cover? that's the only reason i can think of [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] WELL HERE HE IS [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] a book by utahraptor [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, Utahraptor put me on his friggin' book! It's got me on the cover and it makes me look like I wrote it even though the title is just pure sass. It is pure SASSY MOLASSY. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um, why don't you talk to him about it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will! Right after I stomp on a few things to work off my anger, that is! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey buddy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The mere sight of you has returned my anger! Why did you put out that book? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What book? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SOMEONE put out sass-ass book, and said it was by Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It wasn't me, man! Let me see. Maybe there's a club to who really did it. [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] THAT LAST BOOK WAS PUT OUT BY DROMICEIOMIMUS, NOT BY ME OR UTAHRAPTOR [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] what the heck, dromiceiomimus [SPEAKER] BOOK COVER TEXT [LINE] [PUNCHLINE] when will we pick up the phone to talk about this rather than going through publishing companies, is my question |