Yeah Andy?  Think you’re so special?  Well, Mrs. Mehigan (Hey mom!)  said I can be anything when I grow up.  And I chose to write a meandering blog about baseball with two college cohorts.  Mission accomplished.  However, I could have done plenty of other things too.  And I woulda been much better at them than these NL Central clowns. 

Ryan Dempster, Cubs – Being an illegal immigrant. 

Go back to your country! 

When the Cubs finished off a win over the Brewers in July, Dempster tried to hop the fence to celebrate.  He failed.  He was mocked by a little boy, who has a future as a member of la migra (you’re welcome for the life advice, kid).  Oh, and he broke his toe and was forced to sit out a month. 

Have you seen that movie The Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller?  There’s a scene where Stiller tries about 13 different ways to cross back into the States after a vacation went awry.  And even he didn’t fail as bad as Dempster over here. 

Count your lucky stars we let your Canadian ass into this country legally, Ryan, because Lord knows you couldn’t have made it over here any other way. 

Neal Huntington, Pirates general manager – Not giving away the only good things I have. 

In the last two years, Neal Huntington has taken on one of the more difficult jobs in sports – attempting to make the Pittsburgh Pirates relevant.  I’m sorry, but he has failed.  He has failed hard.  He has traded away, among others, Jack Wilson, Freddy Sanchez, Xavier Nady, Jason Bay, Nate McClouth, Adam LaRoche, Nyjer Morgan and a host of pitchers to boot.  That group of players right there is legitimately good.  I understand they don’t have all the money in the world to sign them, but come on.  The group of players currently playing in Pittsburgh, rookie Andrew McCutchen excepted, is awful.  There is nobody left to help develop the younger players they got in return.  This is a vicious cycle that will end up with MLB debuting a English Premier League-style relegation system simply to get the Pirates down to AAA.  You heard it here first. 

Jeff Suppan, Brewers – Being paid a fair amount for how much I work and how good I am at that job. 

Jeff Suppan is making $12.75 million in 2009.  He may make 30 starts.  He will likely finish with about 165 innings pitched.  And unless he finds some sort of magic elixir, his ERA will stay over 5.00 and he will murder our bullpen with an excessive amount of 5-inning stints.  The numbers break down like this: $34,932 per calendar day in 2009 (Yes, even when he’s not pitching.  Even during the winter.  Every damn day.).  Assuming the 165 innings (his current pace), he’ll make $77, 273 per inning pitched.  At least he never goes 1-2-3. 

I make $11 an hour at one job and $8 an hour at the other job.  Based on my workload, I’ll make in the neighborhood of $20,000 this year unless I switch jobs and/or win the lottery.  Then again, I spend time writing pieces like this and watching baseball.  But when my job consists of watching Suppan give up endless amounts of dingers while making 638 times as much money as me … oh, words cannot describe.  Words cannot describe. 

There are plenty of others out there … and I’ll update this as they come to me.  Stay tuned, kiddies.