"I love this square - watching the goings-on." " Years ago, you'd never have sat here to eat your lunch." " It's more cosmopolitan nowadays." " People know how to behave themselves." " We're all Europeans now." " If we had the weather, you could be sitting in Paris or Rome - watching all the lovely young fellas with their shirts aff." " Get off!" " Come on!" " Can't you leave me alone!" " Oh-h!" " Hey!" " Says no ball games." " Can you no' read?" " Shutup,youold dick!" " I hate this bloody park." " Me an a' - a picnic in Bosnia." " Can you smell shite?" " No." " I can smell shite." " Aye, Jack." " That's what I made up - two pieces and shite!" " Here's a flask of piss to go alang with them." " I'm no' imagining it." " I can definitely smell shite." " Oh-h!" " It's brand new, an' all - fresh out the station, that." " Course that's all people use this park for nowadays, Jack, you know." " Emptying their dogs' guts." " Used to be all go in this park years ago." " Oh, aye." " There were a bandstand, sure, a swing park, wee sandpit." " Used to get a pokey hat there." " Do you think someone should bring a camera and catch these bastards letting their dogs do their manky business here?" " Yeah - "Hey, you, get that picked up, get that muck disposed of."" " Aye." " DOG BARKS" "Sit." " Jesus!" " That annoys you, doesn't it..." "What?" "... my dog doing a big turd in the park, man?" " No." " No, your park, our park, doesnae matter, wire in." " You think I should pick that up, don't you?" " No." " Aye, you dae, but I'm not gonnae." " I'm gonnae leave it there." " Smashing." " Isn't that right, Kaiser?" "..." " Could make you pick it up." " Sure you could." " That's what to do." " Hands all shite." " Right, come on, Kaiser." " Come on." " Hurry up." " I hate this park." " Aye, me an' all." " MEN HUM CHEERFULLY" "Here, what about that bench there?" " Oh, I forgot about that." " What are you two daeing up here?" " Are you visiting somebody?" " Is that compost?" " Will you tidy that up?" " I hope you're gonnae move that bench." " What are youse doing?" " Yes." " Yes." " Yes." " Yes." " And mind your own business, you nosy old cow." " It was a '60s film." " Hold on." " Hey, you old duffers do nothing all day, apart from watch the telly, what's that horror film, '60s, big fella, nearly got Frankenstein?" " Attack Of The Lazy Bastard Barman." " Asshole Barman Of The Swamp." " I Married The Dobber Barman From The Clansman!" " Two pints." " I don't know why I don't bar you two." " Cos you fancy us, you big woofter." " When you're done looking at wur asses, could we get wur pints?" " Och, I don't know, Jack." " If I was 20 years younger, I would have booted that clown in the park right intae the pond." " I'd have stuck my hand down that dug's throat and ripped its bastard lungs out." " Who's getting it now?" " Asshole ned lording it down that park." " Had one of them devil dogs." " What were you gonnae do - rip its lungs out?" " If need be, yeah." " What would you be doing?" " Giving the ned a scheme booting?" " Naturally." " What I'd give to be at that fight - two frail old men against a handy bastard and his wean-eating dug." " I'd root for me pals, but in my pocket would be a betting slip with "ned" and "dug" on it." " Couple of eejits!" " Ha-bloody-ha(!" ")" " We're not going back intae that park." " I'll not be back either." " What's with the plant?" " This is the reason we won't have to go back to that shitty park." " Oh, nice, Eric, a Pieris japonica, low maintenance, very rewarding." " What's that you've got?" " This is a eucalyptus tree - nice scent, aromatic, 40 feet in ten year unmaintained." " Nice." " Right, Percy Thrower, spill it." " Cannae." " Get it out." " No, no, no." " It'll be a nice surprise for you, that's all I'm saying." " Eh?" " Look, youse live on the same landing as Isa, right?" " Isa's the Daily Bugle, the Gestapo." " She'd have you strapped to a chair, drilling teeth for information." " She can do that all day to me - I wear falsers." " This is too big." " She cannae find out about it." " You're information casualties." " Bide your time." " Oh, hello, Isa." " Hello, Navid." " Here you are." " Tell us the latest gossip... in less than one minute, cos Colombo's gonnae start." " One minute." " All the hooses in Samson Court have to get double-glazed for nothing - the council's doing them." " I thought my block would be next, but Gina Maguire said she's been waiting three years." " Jeannie's boy's working." " Didnae want it, but he'd to pay for the damage in the Laundromat." " Good news for the bookie's brother." " He'll no' lose his eye." " He'll never look right, but he gets to keep it." " I caught Tam and Big Arthur up to no good in the foyer, lifting benches and plants and all sorts." " Ah've no idea what's going on there, Navid, but I'll find out." " Best for last, you mind old Ronnie, him that was on Mastermind?" " Well..." "COLOMBO THEME PLAYS Oh, I'm outta time!" " You're all right." " It's the one with William Shatner." " Load of shite." " So, what was his chosen subject?" " World War II." " He lost by one point cos he passed on Bismarck." " The most famous boat in the war." " He's in the loony bin." " Eh?" " Stripped to his drawers, dancing away in George Square." " Me and Sadie seen him." " Jesus, that's a shame, huh?" " Another good customer down." " DOG BARKS" "Oh, where are you going?" " I'm coming to you." " I was coming to you." " You were at me last night." " Did you not come to me?" " We saw that chef bollocks." " Wasn't that the night before?" " Don't know." " You take your biscuits back and we'll eat these." " What were you bringing?" " Tunnock's Tea Cakes - the daddy of them all." " Accept no substitutes." " We'll wire into them too." " No, these would be eaten if I was coming to you." " What did you bring?" " Rich Tea - apologies for that." " We'll wire into yours." " We will not!" " These go back in the cupboard until I come to you." " Those are the rules." " You couldn't go into a man's house and eat his biscuits - that would be lawlessness, anarchy, a downward spiral." " Och, shut up!" " We'll have one each, but we're no' finishing them!" " Aww, is that them done?" " Tut!" " They were smashing." " Christ, you wouldnae think you could eat three." " You ate four!" " Pish!" " I had three." " Would you like me to prove it?" " Yes, I would enjoy that." " Present your case." " Right." " You do this really annoying thing, Jack, where you take the foil and you roll it up into a wee ball." " You've always done it." " It's obsessive behaviour." " Now, observe the remains." " You can clearly see four balls." " Right, I'll accept that." " Four, eh?" " Wait a minute - "obsessive behaviour"?" " What do you call that?" " You have tension in your anus - that's what it's called." " Thank you, Sigmund(!" ")  They've got hospitals for people like you." " You're gonnae end up like Ronnie." " Jeezo, Ronnie, eh?" " What do you make of that, Jack?" " According to Navid, he was running about in his smalls, slap bang in George Square, daft." " What a come-down - from Mastermind to your scants." " He used to be in that library every day." " Boning up on book after book about war boats." " He knew everything there was to know - the Hood, USS Indianapolis." " Aye, U-boats." " He even knew the sizes of all the guns down to the last inch." " What's the one thing he forgets?" " BOTH:" "Bismarck!" " Doo-lally old bastard, eh?" " Even Magnus was sniggering, eh?" " Do you think he snapped?" " His boy put him in Balgarnock Sanatorium." " I'd shoot myself before I'd go in there - both barrels - bam!" " What if you were too feeble-minded to shoot yourself?" " Boof!" " Next minute, you're sitting there getting spoon-fed by some big bastard nurse with a moustache, who'd rather see you dead." " You'd be sitting next to me." " Eh?" " Aye." " Stinking the place out because you'd shat yourself." " You don't have the strength to lift your skinny arm to get anyone interested in cleaning it up." " We'll need to go and see him." " We'll go the morrow." " You could have fitted me up." " Eh?" " When I went for a pish, you could have taken one of your flat wrappers, rolled it into a ball, and placed it next to mine." " Good, theory, Jack, plausible, and it could be true, were it not for the fact that you're a greedy bastard." " The prosecution rests." " Oh!" " hey!" " Oh!" " I've got to clean that up." " Here, you!" " Who, me?" " Aye, you." " What?" " What are you doing with that bush?" " Are you George Bush?" " Ask him if he's Kate Bush, man." " Shut up, man, shut up. ..." " Are you Kate Bush?" " That's right, couple of eejits!" " Sing us a song, Kate Bush!" " Quality, man!" " Make him sing, man." " Hold on a second, son." " See you two, if I wasn't getting on this bus, I'd rip your arms off, you wee tit, and batter shite out your pal." " You've ripped the arse out of that park, you freak-show bastards!" " Not as smart as soon as somebody stands up to you." " Your skinny wee assholes collapse." " Only kidding." " DOG BARKS" "50, maybe 60 pounds' worth of devil dog on top of me, tearing at me, trying to eat me." " The whole time I'm giving it body blows." " I must have hit it 40 times in the gut - nothing, didn't even wind it." " Gnash, gnash!" " Tear!" " Bite!" " Slash!" " I managed to get my thumb into its eye, but all I've done is annoy it." " I didnae go thirsty." " I must have drunk about a pint of its slabbers." " How'd you get it off you?" " I didnae." " It clocked a wee dog and pumped it." " It's a monster." " It should be destroyed." " Take a whisky, Winston." " Not to worry, eh?" " I hear your wee project's nearly finished." " That's right, Eric." " We open tonight." " Och, this isnae so bad!" " Well-kept grounds and that." " Aye." " Smell my fingers!" " Get yoursel tae..." "Get them smelt." " It's the good stuff." " Oh, you don't know what you're missing." " Oh!" " It's OK." " Calm down." " In you go." " Hello, gentlemen, can I help you?" " We're here to see Ronnie Wilson." " Ah, yes, Ronnie." " I see you've already met Alex." " Aye, it's a sin, that." " This way, then." " It's a big old building, this." " Aye." " Typically Victorian." " We've done a fair amount of work to it over the years." " It was bedlam here 100 years ago." " When I first came here, you'd be amazed at the cases." " In here for as little as under-age pregnancy." " It's terrible." " Mild depression." " That was the days before Prozac." " Oh, aye." " Anyway, if you'd like to wait here." " Oh." " Here?" "#  Oh, the Camptown ladies sing this song!" " Doo-dah!" " Doo-dah!" "#  The Camptown track is five miles long!" " Doo-doo-doo-dah-day!" "#  Doo-doo-doo-dah-day!" "#  HE LAUGHS" "HE SHRIEKS HYSTERICALLY" "Cheerie-bye noo!" " Jack, wait up!" " Wait!" " No way, Jose." " I'm outta here." " What about Ronnie?" " Ronnie who?" " Let's look at him." " That's what we came for." " Victor, no, this place gives me the fear." " Sshh!" " There he is, there." " Oof, I don't want to look." " Is he acting daft?" " Is he done up like a woman?" " Is he chugging himself?" " No!" " He looks fine." " CREAKING" "Hello, Winston." " Isa, you bastard!" " What are you doing up here?" " Mopping the landing." " Mopping it for who?" " Mr Sinclair." " You're right helping out, daeing your wee turns, keeping on tap of everyone's business." " What's your business?" " How do you mean?" " What's in behind that door?" " You'd love to know what's behind the door." " It kills you not knowing." " Winston, cards on the table, I'm a nosy bastard " "I cannae NO' know what's in behind that door." " See if you were to take out a Colt .45 and jam it against my ear," "I still wouldnae tell you - you'd have to shoot me." " What's that?" " It's my mobile phone." " My son Colin bought it for me in case I took a fall." " Emergencies." " I don't have to dial his number." " I press that..."Phonebook"..."C"..." "Colin comes up." " Away!" " Craiglang Library..." "Council - they're that fiddly, they things." " I've made that mistake a few times." " I've meant to call our Colin... and ended up talking to the Council." " PHONE RINGS" "All right, I'll take you through the door." " Do you promise not to breathe a word to any living soul about this?" " Isa!" " I promise." " Right." " Come with me." " Right, Isa, not a word to anybody." " Not a word...to anybody." " Isa?" "..." " Isa!" " It's too good!" " It's too good!" " People have to know." " Isa, you promised!" " Not a word to anybody." " Promise me." " MUFFLED:" "I promise." " You'll choke me, Winston." " Let go." " Only if you promise not to tell anybody." " I willnae." " Right." " You look fine, Ronnie." " I must say you do look all right, aye." " Of course I look all right." " There's hee-haw wrong with me." " With all due respect, they'll all be saying that in here." " There's nothing wrong with me." " Let me out." " Look, you two, I'm fine." " I had one goofy turn in George Square." " A "goofy" turn, Ronnie?" " Come on." " It's no' as if you just went dizzy." " You were in your scants, running about outside the City Chambers." " I know." " I'll tell you what happened." " I bought a magazine out of WH Smiths and a pie out of Greggs." " I thought I'd plonk myself on George Square and have a wee read." " I read an article about pensioners who up sticks and go abroad." " I doze off." " I don't know how long I was asleep for - a minute, an hour, maybe." " Next thing I know I wake up and I'm ten year old." " I'm on a beach, it's roasting " "I'm telling you." " It didnae seem like a dream or anything, it was real tae me, so I whips aff the claithes and I'm running about." " I got lifted and I didn't come to till I'm sitting in the back of the paddy wagon, saying, "I'm OK."" " Two hours later, my Norman signs me in here." " Bastard!" " So, you all right now?" " Aye, really, I'm fine." " Really." " Oh...you look fine to me." "... Does he seem fine to you, Victor?" " Which boat, during World War II, was sunk off the coast of...?" " Bloody Bismarck!" " Don't start!" " That doesnae prove anything." " Let me ask you a question." " How many Jap zero aeroplanes struck the Cornelius on July 27th 1944?" " Oh, now you're asking." " That's a cracker, that." " Any ideas?" " I'd be guessing." " I'd say four." " Four's too many." " Say two." " We're saying..." "Never mind what you're saying." " It's 14.  14!" " Youse didnae know that." " Who's the daftie now?" " Bang, bang, bang!" " You'd think somebody would have phoned after the first two." " The Japs were fly." " Always took out the communications first." " Aye, they're fly bastards." " Youse should be in here, no' me!" " Can you not sign yourself out, Ronnie?" " No." " Norman has to do it." " He's my only next-of-kin." " Where is he?" " Norwich." " He says he cannae get back up for another two weeks." " Two weeks!" " I'm telling you, if I'm here for another two hours," "I'll be as doo-lally as all these other bastards!" " So, you're his brothers?" " Yes, that's right, we're his next-of-kins." " We've come from abroad." " Where?" " Canada." " Australia." " Kind of Australia." " Yeah, New Zealand." " Aye." " Sign here... and here again." " Oh, no, Jack, I insist." " Di-dum-di-dum-di-doh." " Is that us, then?" " Not unless you want to stay for your tea." " Stay for your tea!" " What are youse having for your tea?" " Come on." " Oh, Sadie, thank God you're in!" " Hello, Isa." " You will never guess what Winston showed me." " What did Winston show you?" " I knew you couldnae keep quiet!" " I knew this would be your first port of call, your wee pal." " Come here, you slab of cabbage!" " When's the unveiling?" " After these." " No, we wait for Jack and Victor." " I huvnae said a word to them." "... Bobby, pint of lager." " No problem." " Is it the hair of the dog(?" ")" " Ha-ha!" " I'd like to see how you'd have coped with 60 pounds of devil dog on top of you." " You'd have snapped like a twig." " No' me." " To render an angry dog helpless, you simply insert a digit up the dog's rectum." " Bob's-your-uncle." " It releases its grip and you are a free man." " You're serious?" " What do you do after you've inserted your finger in the dog's arse?" " A cuddle, a post-coital cigarette, plan the future(?" ")" " Puppies, maybe." " Away you go, you queer hock!" " I want a word with you." " What is it?" " I've been sitting with Big Arthur, Jeannie Cassidy and Tommy Canavera." " They were delighted to tell me what I've been told not to mention." " That makes me look like a halfwit, like I know nothing - well, thank you - thank you very much!" " Isa, look at the state of you, all raging, just calm down." " Stick a finger up her arse!" " Oh, Ronnie, how are you doing?" " He's fine." " He could use a drink, so gie him peace, Isa." " Usual, Bobby." " Fancy a Guinness?" " Oh, aye, lovely." " Great to see you, Ronnie." " What's wrong with your face?" "..." " Don't ask." " £1.80, Winston.  £1.80?" "!" " That's crazy prices." " You'd have to be off your nut to pay that. ..." " Nae offence, Ronnie." " I've got something to show you." " What?" " DOG BARKS" "Oh-h!" " Stop shoving!" " That was 15 bodies I counted." " There's only supposed to be 12." " You can get as many in that lift as you like as long as the doors shut." " It says, "12 persons max."" " Only count yourself as one person?" " Funny guy(!" ")" " Right, everybody, listen up." " As you all know, the park across the road is a shite-hole." " I'm sorry, ladies, but it is - an utter shite-hole." " At great effort, a hardy band has teamed together, and worked tirelessly to provide rest and recreation for the over-65s of Craiglang." " Follow me to a new dawn." " Right, spread out. ..." " That's it." " Right." " Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to High Park." " CHEERING" "Oh, Jesus, it's beautiful!" " It's fantastic, isn't it?" " Is that sausages I can smell?" " It is." " Let me paint you a picture." " Roll and sausage, paper, sit on the bench." " If you want, feed the duck." " Come on. ..." " Right, Eric, the VIPs." " Ho-ho!" " So, Winston, is this park just for night-time and that?" " No, no, any time, day or night." " Whenever it gets too much, just come up here." " Well done, Winston." " Jack!" " Victor!" " It's a park!" " First the beach, now a park!" " A sky park!" " Oh, a park in the sky!" " This is rare, eh?" " No' having to watch your back." " Aye." " Nae kids on skateboards cutting the toes off you." " Nae dug mess." " You could practically come up here in your slippers." " There you are, Jack." " Can we get a seat?" " We've got it till half-past-three." " Another ten minutes to go." " Och!" " Come on, Jack." " We've sat here long enough, eh?" " Let them get a wee seat." " Thank you." " Enjoy it." " DOG GROWLS Ah, quality!" " A park up in the air." " Quality, man." " A park up high, man!" " You've nae business being up here." " You've got your own bloody park." " It's full of dog shit." " Gonnae start coming here." " You listen to me." " This is our park." " You've no right being up here." " We built this for wurselves." " Can you no' understand that?" " There's nae need to be here." " Leave us alain." " Nah." " THUMP!" " Kaiser!"