"'Day 64.' ' 2.36pm.'" "' Space is in the Biodome.'" "' Marky and Veronica are by the pool.'" "' Joplin and Pippa are at the sofas.'" " I mean, you know, what is TV, anyway?" " It's just a big fat arrow pointing away from the problem." " Especially shows like this." " It's like the lead in the water pipes that sent the Romans mad." " Mmm." " I thought to myself, "OK, I can ignore it, or I can engage with and alter it from within."" " You know, and if just one person hears me and thinks, "Wow." "" I never saw it like that." " This guy's really opened my head,"" "then I've justified doing it." " You know?" " Do toes have bones in them?" "' Grayson and Angel are in the diary room.'" "  Hello, Grayson." "  Hi, Big Brother." "  Hello, Angel." " How are you today?" "  All right." " I'm pissed off and I'm angry, and we need your permission to kill someone." " Who would you like to kill?" "  Who do you think?" " Wonderbra." "  And her spastic henchman." " All right, so show me M and V looking really pleased with themselves, OK?" " The chawier the better." " And lose "spastic", otherwise Ofcom will be shitting blood for a week." "  Who do you think?" " Wonderbra." "  And her henchman." " Good." " And last night, you could hear everything." " It sounded like someone spanking a wet rat!" " And who needs to hear that?" " They even sound thick when they grunt." " OK, so mark that for their best bits." " Patrick." "  Thanks... uh, what is it?" "  Kelly." "  That's the one." "  They only had blueberry muffins." "  Oi, oi, oi." " Fat camp!" "  Oh, that's lovely." " I need this in 20 minutes." " If you're gonna answer that, make it quick." " Chloe's looking for you." "  Yep, I'm on it." "  Quick!" "  Shit." " Shit." "  You ignoring that, are you?" "  It's Riq." "  Oh, asking where you were last night?" "  I told him." "  You told him?" "  Well, texted him." "  Well, what did you say?" " I crashed at yours." " OK." " Glossed over a couple of details, then." " Yeah, me and Riq have been together for ages." " It's not my usual style, you know?" " You got pissed, you put your hand in the cookie jar." " You make it sound so innocent." " Yeah, but was it?" " Here you are..." "I will be back later for the highlights, you jammy cow." " Hiya." " That's your coffee." "  Heya." "  Hey." " Listen, what happened last night was a mistake." "  Yeah, it was..." " We must be really stupid cos we kept repeating the same mistake till, what, half three?" " Yeah, thereabouts." " Yeah, cos I like to learn from my mistakes and I don't think we fully went through all the possible avenues for error, so..." "Dick!" " I'd like to go over it with you later, see if we can..." "Can you take Aisleyne to the BBLB room?" " Um, that's Sophie's job." " Yeah, she's still doing friends and family." " Fine." " When you're done with that, coffee, camera run, they're gasping." " Sorry, it's been a bit hectic here today." " There's champagne and stuff and tea in the room." " It's gonna be great." " Hey, Aisleyne." "  Hello." "  Everything all right, yeah?" " Looking after you OK?" "  Who was that?" "  Patrick, producer." "  Do you want me to fire you?" "  Shit!" " Um, sorry, man." " Man?" " Just do your job." " There's no-one even there." " Move the camera." " Oh, Jesus Christ." " ON TV: .." "Volleys of gunfire." " We hope to join them again for an update..." "'Authorities say they cannot guarantee the safety...'" "Hi, this is Kelly." " Not here to take your call right now, so if you leave me a message I'll get back to you." " Bye!" "' A cordon established around the immediate area has been expanded twice in the last hour." " It currently covers much of the surrounding...'" "What?" "'.. a perimeter, preventing anyone from entering or leaving the area." " Eyewitnesses have fled the scene.'" " How you doin', fellas?" " Do you believe in reincarnation?" " Can't knock it, can you?" " I'll show you a good book that I'm reading." " Doing up my button." " Thank you, sweetheart." " Get your fucking baps out of that chair." " Now!" " 37 minutes to go, minions." " Do you even know what a minion is?" " No?" " Don't look offended, then." " Where's Sophie?" " Anybody know where Sophie is?" " Hello?" " Excuse me." " Come on." " Gormless!" " Where's Sophie?" " Uh, Sophie." " Uh, she's picking up Pippa's mum." " Oh, fucking hell!" " She should have been here by 5.00." " Get her for me." "  Sorry." "  What's the latest?" " Um, numbers are way down." " There are network issues or something." "  OK, so the headline is...?" "  Well, Grayson is safe." " Marky is the favourite for the chop, but there's only a pixel between him and Pippa." " Oh, God." " Well, rather her than him." " Look at that." " Face like a Manchester morgue." " Wish they'd nominate you, sour flaps." " Is that your eviction outfit?" " Oi, Barbra." " I said, is that your eviction outfit?" " My name is Grayson." " G-R-A-Y..." "Y-M-C-A." "Oooh, Claire." " Voice of God." " This is Big Brother." " Could Grayson come to the diary room?" "  Ha!" "  What?" "!" "  He started it!" "  Oh, "he started it"!" " Oh, you're such an idiot." "  You wanna drown me?" "  You should come with subtitles." " Fucking had it with this northern twat." " Oh, God." " Talk about pleased with himself." " It's just post-shag euphoria." " You remember that." "  What are you for?" "  It's Sophie." " Tell me you are round the corner." "' Sorry, Patrick.'" " All the main routes were chocker." " Col's trying to work some back-road magic now." " You were supposed to be here..." "fucking three hours ago." "  Yes." "  Stop saying yes." "' Right." " Mm-hm." " Yep.'" " Now, you should have been here three hours ago, 'in friends and family, in hospitality,' with that fucking moaning Scottish bird's mother." "' Fucking sick of this!" "'" " Fucking get back here, pronto!" " No." " Pick that up." " Your boss isn't upset, I hope." " It's eviction night, so he's a bit stressed." " It's a very stressful line of work." " I've often thought that." " What's that?" " Right." " Shit." " Bye." " Fuck." "( Fucking hell.)" "  Claire." "  Yeah?" " They might bump tonight's show." "  Why?" "  Because of this shit." " One fucking estate on fire in Newcastle and a couple of policemen killed in Liverpool." " Oh, Jesus." " Stockwell, Cardiff, Portsmouth, all bollocksed." " If this gets much worse, we are gonna be bumped for a news update." " Brilliant." " Why do people riot, anyway?" " It's not the '80s." " You know, they've got distractions." " They should stay in, watch telly." " Just...that hat is so loud." ".. What you on about?" " I'm just not feeling this no more." " Too many arguments." " No, what are you doing?" " Don't put that shit in there!" " Have you seen the factories where they make this stuff?" "!" "  No." "  Yeah, well, there's rats they can't kill because of all the preservatives in the steam." " You mean there's rats in there?" "!" " My God!" " I've ruined the food!" " Fucking Och Aye The Noo's off again." " Gollum set her off." " That's your eviction outfit?" " What?" " Yeah." " What - no good?" " Mark, you look like a div." "  Is that a phone?" " It's a phone." "  Coo-ee, it's for you!" " We can hear ya!" "  This is Kelly..." " Find out who it is." " Jesus Christ." "  Hello!" "  Hello." " Hello, hello." " Hello!" " They're not allowed to do that, are they?" " I don't think so." " Hello!" " Hello!" " He's fucking gold dust." " Two for the price of one!" " He was in Big Brother with me." "  Hello." "  Bubble." " We fell over a chair?" " I didn't know what your question was, cos you kinda stuttered it. " Are you..."?" " He said to me, "Oh, how do you feel about your country?"" " And I'm thinking, "I'm African."" " My spirit was born in Africa but my body was born in Zimbabwe." "  Hello?" "  Oh, finally." " Look, Riq, it's eviction night." " It's not really a good time." "  Guess who's been mugged." "  What?" "' Someone's took the van.'" " Get this - a family flags me down, right?" " A mum, dad, kid, 'by the side of the road, right?" "' There's no car but I figure there's been an accident." " ' The kid's bleeding, yeah?" "'" "  Jesus." " The mum pulls a knife." " The mum." " Fuck." " Are you all right?" "' Yeah, well, I pretty much nearly shat meself' and I'm stuck somewhere on fucking Arse-End-on-Tweed trying to get a train home." " Well, I don't know what I can do." " Yeah, I know, I know." " I'm just venting, you know?" " So..." "I've been trying all day." " Yeah, I know." " It's just been a bit mad." " Right." " So you gonna crash at Claire's again tonight?" " I don't know." "  How'd this happen, Kel?" "  Look, can we talk later?" " So you joined your little media cult and now you're getting rid of your excess baggage." " Is that it, Kel?" "' ls that it, Kel?" "'" " No, I..." "I just..." "Hello?" " Riq?" " Hello, hello, Queen D." "Oh, hey, Patrick." " Hey." " How are you?" " Um, well, I'm a bit concerned, actually." " Really?" " How so?" " Well, I heard that we might get bumped for the news." " No!" " No, no, no, no, no!" " Promise." " Yeah, well, not unless this really is the end of the world, which..." "Right." " OK, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed, then." " Yeah, and you break one of those rather lovely legs." "' All right." " Bye-bye.'" "  How the fuck did she know that?" "  I don't know." " You never spook..." "You never spook the talent, alright?" " Even if there is a mushroom cloud about to go off behind them, especially if they're about to go live, OK?" "  It is page one stuff, Claire." "  I didn't tell her!" " Davina will start talking." " When the music kicks in, that's your cue to go absolutely berserk." " Keep it going until you hear Davina talking." " All right, guys, stand by." " Hey." "  Hey." "  Have you got no signal?" "  Mmm." "  Yeah, no-one's got one." "  Yeah, probably the wrong type of cloud." "  Huh?" " I'm gonna try in the office." " All right, well, I'll see you in a bit, right?" " Hang on a minute, my sound has gone down again." " Where is the sound?" " Just move it back up." " Put 4 up." " Bring 4 up, for fuck's sake." " Move that camera off her." " I can't stand her fucking face." " Look at him." " Here we go - five seconds." " Make some noise!" " Come on!" " Anything?" " Nobody's picking up from the channel." " Fucking hell." " Sod it." " No news is good news." " Right, man the lifeboats!" " Come on!" " Grayson, Marky and Pippa - three little piggies but who's going to be squealing all the way home tonight?" " Someone's coming out!" " Hey." " You OK?" "  Yeah, I'm fine." "  Yeah?" " Dunno." " This job..." " I thought you liked it." "  I do." " I just..." "All I do is fetch coffees." " But dunno." " The show and the crowds and everything..." "It's not really real, is it?" " Do you know what I mean?" " You don't really, do you?" " Kel..." "The bite's still bleeding!" "  Try and stop it." "  Can't we take him to the hospital?" " I'm trying to find one." " I can't get any signal." " There's a doctor at the studio." " We'll go there." " I'm now going to talk to the house." " Big Brother house, this is Davina." " You are live on Channel 4." " Please do not swear." " Bollocks!" "  Grayson." "  Yes?" "  Marky." "  Wanker!" " And Pippa." " The lines are closed, the votes have been counted and verified and I can now reveal that the next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is..." ".. Pippa!" " My make-up..." "Pippa, you'll be leaving the house in 30 minutes' time." " OK." " Can't she go now?" " Fuck it." " I need some more Nicorettes." " Get...just get someone to get them." " He's not breathing." " He's not breathing!" " Kel." " Kel." " Yep?" " Sorry, but someone urgently requires nicotine gum." " Cool, I'm on it." " Shop's still open." " I can make it." " Ta." " Oh, and you still owe me those mucky details." " Yeah, cheers, thanks for that." " I'll go." " Are you sure?" "  Hey." "  Oh, hi." " Smells of fingering in here." " Joplin has literally worn that shirt the whole fucking time." " Imagine what that smells like." "  Pippa?" "  Yes?" " You have 30 seconds to say your goodbyes." " I'm coming to get you!" "  You're gonna be fine." "  It's gonna be all right." "  All gonna be fine." "  Davina will look after you." "  Yeah?" "  Yeah?" "  You look beautiful." " Get Pippa out!" " Get Pip..." "Aw." " Say hello to my mum for me, yeah?" " Be brave." " 1 0, 9, 8, 7, 6..." "Go, Pippa!" ".. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1." " Pippa, you have been evicted." " Please leave the Big Brother house." " Yeah, come off the garden." " Fucking hell." " Ladies and gents, it's Pippa!" "  Fuck, I can hear booing." "  They're going nuts!" " Shh, shh." " She'll be all right." " She'll be all right." " Listen, listen!" " Oh, my God!" " OK, so ginger snaps for the last time as Pippa leaves the building, but can she stay calm?" " We'll hear her tell us what she thought about her fellow housemates." " She didn't like them." " Find out after the break." " Big Brother house, the storeroom door is now open." " Bang on!" " Let it be booze!" " Come on!" " He had a thing with me, you know?" " What?" " Yeah, when we were on I'm A Celebrity." " We screwed in a hammock." " It was nice." " And welcome to Pippa!" " Oof." " I cannot imagine living next door to people like that." " They two had sex in the bedroom." "  Joplin." " Joplin." "  God, he is so boring." "  But that's so mean." "  But he's forty." " He's had his life." " Oh, my God." " Is that actually what Channel 4's putting out?" "  Yeah, why?" "  That." " Oh, get to fuck." " Hello." " Is it love?" " Is it love?" " Is it?" " Is it?" " No, he's just my friend." " We've just lost everything on the fucking screens." " We've lost everything on the screens!" " music:." " Grace Kelly by Mika" "Watch me vodka." " Don't!" " Fuck off!" " It's annoying!" " Don't!" " I'll give 50 quid to the first person who gets me an outside line." "  For fuck's sake." "  There's no mobiles working." " If he separates..." "Sorry." " Hello?" "  Is my mum in here?" " Is my mum here?" "  Hello?" " What's going on up..." "They're going batshit out there." " Yeah, that's the public for you, isn't it?" " They're animals." " I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky" "I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like" "Gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more" "Why don 't you like me?" " Why don 't you like me?" " Why don 't you..." "Fuck!" " Fucking get out of the way!" " Humphrey, we're leaving K'ching!" " What's your boyfriend's name again?" " Your real one, that is." " What is your fucking problem?" " Danny?" " Oh, Romeo's back, is he?" " What happened?" " Stop it!" " Danny, no!" " Stop it!" " Stop it!" " Stop it!" " Oh!" " Go away!" " Fuck!" " Fuck off!" " You fucking cunt!" " Fuck off!" " Help me!" " Help." " Fuck!" " The head of the emergency services has claimed those responsible for the violence engulfing the nation are not technically alive." " Eyewitnesses describe dead or injured people apparently attacking one another en masse." " Police advice is to seek shelter immediately, barricade doors and wind..." "Oh, please!" " Please!" " Please!" " Please, go away." "  All right?" "  Mmm." " No alarm this morning." " Mmm." " Bit weird, innit?" " Aargh!" " Aargh!" " No!" " Hi." "  All right, cheeks?" "  Don't!" " Get off!" " I'm gonna make some eggs." " You want some?" " There aren't any." " Grayson had a fried-egg sandwich last night." " For fuck's sake!" " Right." "  Oh, come on." "  Oh, Marky, don't..." "What the fuck?" "  That's for the eggs." "  What do you mean, eggs?" " You having the last of the eggs!" " Fuck this." " I'm out." " Oh, for God's sake!" " Marky, just drop it." " Drop it!" " Stop showing off for your girlfriend." " You are so cunt-struck, I'm surprised you're not..." "You're disgusting!" " What's Grayson done?" " Eaten an egg." " Aargh!" " Hello?" " What skanky bloodclart chief" "left their cigarette butt in this motherfucking cup?" " Huh, yeah." "  How long have you been awake?" " ' Bout half an hour." " You haven't had your mike on all that time?" " Thanks, Big Brother!" " Why didn't you say something?" " Just leave it." " Big Brother's gonna give you a red card for that." " Will you just calm down?" "!" " For fuck's sake, Mark!" " What you doing?" "  Something is wrong!" "  What?" " No mikes, no alarms... ..and the cameras ain't moving." " Big Brother ain't watching us." " Shit." " Shit." " Aargh!" " Aargh!" " Aargh!" " This ain't right." " No cameras, no fucking point." "  They might be broken." "  All of them?" "  Could be electrics." "  They're doing it on purpose." "  Yeah, like a task." "  Where the cameras don't move?" " Like that's gonna be entertaining." " They want to see how we react to a sudden absence of authority." " Well, it's freaking me right out." " That's what they want." " Don't give it to them." "  We're not freaked out!" "  I am!" " Give me the answer." " Tell me what's going on." " Big Brother, man, what the fuck...?" " Look, we've been really good, playing games." " We just wanna know what's going on." " Hello?" " If the cameras don't start moving any minute, I'm walking." " Remember I told you..." " I'm going on the roof." "  We're not allowed there!" " Exactly!" " If they don't stop me, we'll know something's definitely wrong." " They'll throw you out!" " Just leave him!" " Let 'em throw him out!" " You know what?" " Fuck 'em." "  Oh, my God!" "  Look!" " That's what it is!" " They've given us a new housemate!" " Oh, fucking hell." " Unbelievable!" " See, I told you!" " Course it is!" " Look at her!" "  She's a bit strange." "  What's your name, then?" "  Uh..." " Coo-ee!" " Hello!" " What's she doing?" " Hello?" " Fine." " Whatever." "  Are you a mong?" "  Shh!" " She might be." " Is that fake blood on her?" " Don't listen to them." " They're idiots, sweetheart." "  I wouldn't bother, Gray." "  Wait a minute." " Wait a minute." " Let Joppers in." " Come on, Jops." " Um, 'hello'." " My 'name' is Joplin." " And I'm 'happy' to 'meet you'." "  There's one in there." "  One what?" " Have you been outside all this time?" " Can I ask you a question?" "  How am I coming across?" "  Oh, you big queen." "  Am I popular?" "  Yeah, you're the favourite." " Ha!" " No autographs for you." " Hear that?" " I'm the favourite!" "  This is such a put-on this!" "  Is that fake blood?" " Shut up." " You must try harder." "  I said shut up!" "  All right." " She's mental." " Look at her." " Her mechanism's gone." " It's just attention-seeking." " Ignore her, she'll stop." " Fuck." " Jesus." " Fuck!" " Fuck." " Did they give you specific instructions, or just tell you to come in and act weird?" "  I'm not acting." " I work here." "  What, as a window-cleaner?" " Something's happening." " Some sort of outbreak." "  Oh, here we go." "  Just let her talk." " OK." " Go on." "  People get this thing." "  Thing?" " They wanna kill you, and they change." " And then their bums fall off." "  What do you mean, they change?" "  I dunno." " They're dead." "  Dead?" "  Sorry, what did you say?" " They're dead." " They're dead, and they're still alive." " They're everywhere." " That's what I'm trying to tell you." "  There's one in here." "  This is quality, this is." " Hammer House of horseshit." " You're brilliant, you." " Come on, now." " That's enough." " Oh, dear." " Oh, fuck!" " Not you!" " Fuck, not you!" " Fuck, shut up!" " Shut up!" " Is that Davina?" " Sort of." " Get off my fucking suit." " Dear Big Brother, may I say how impressed I was at your inclusion of a clearly mentally unhinged woman into the house?" " Maybe something has happened." " I just wanna know, is that fake blood?" " I just wanna know." " Even if she's not mentally ill, this is in very poor taste." " You seriously think there's a bunch of dead biffers strolling about, eating people?" " They're coming to get you, Barbara." " Well, I just want it noted that I do not approve of this." " Shut up!" " Shut up, you fucking idiots!" " You fucking idiots!" " I'm trying to tell you there's one in there!" " Calm down." " Just calm down." " Oi, mate!" " Mate!" " You're live on Channel 4!" " Don't swear or say "fuck" or nothing!" " Maybe he's deaf and dead." " Hello?" " Hello?" " No, can't hear anything." " Don't do that." " There's nothing here." " Marky, get away from that." " It's the fire exit." " Don't open that door." " What, this door?" "  Open that door and I'll stab you." "  What?" " Marky, don't wind her up." " Seriously, she's fucking weird." " Shut the door!" " Shut the door!" " Shut the fucking door!" "  Close it!" " Fucking close the door!" "  Marky, close it." " You fucking well better close the fucking door!" " All right!" " Fucking hell!" " What you gonna do with them?" " Sorry." " I'm just having a look." " screaming" "In the head." " You've got to get them in the head." " Big Brother house, this is Davina." " You are live on Channel 4." " Please do not swear." " Mark that for the best bits." "  Patrick." "  Thanks, er..." "What's it?" "  Kelly." "  That's the one." " You got pissed, put your hand in the cookie jar." " You make it sound so innocent." " Riq, it's eviction night." " It's not really a good time." "  Guess who's been mugged." "  Fuck." " Are you all right?" " They might bump tonight's show." " Because of this shit." " The next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is..." "How'd this happen, Kel?" " Pippa!" " What's your boyfriend's name again?" " Your real one, that is." " What's going on up...?" " Danny." " Something's happening." " Some sort of outbreak." " People get this thing and...they change." " They want to kill you and..." "Big Brother ain't watching us." "  No, go the other way." "  Patrick!" " Go the other way." "  Is that Davina?" "  Sort of." "  There's one in there." "  One what?" " In the head!" " You've gotta get them in the head." " Fucking hell." " Hello?" " Ha, no, this isn't happening." " No, this is not happening." " And if it is happening, then it's not happening to me." " Because that's it, OK?" " Is this the way out?" "  No, don't." " No, no." "  No, no." " Hey, you, whoever you are!" " All right, I don't care if that is part of the programme or not," "I am not staying here!" " Listen!" " Listen to me." " Calm down." " We're staying here." " Really." " There's got to be somewhere we can go." " Trust me." " Outside, it's a bad idea." " How bad?" " Who are they?" " Her name was Claire." " And they're dead." " Yeah." " It's got to be some terrorist bollocks." " They've released some loony gas." " Loony gas?" " You got a better explanation?" " The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't." " What?" " Like GM food or something?" " Maybe." " Or wi-fi." " God knows what that does to your molecules." " Does this mean we're not on telly anymore?" " Oh, what?" " Hello?" " That's not your bag!" " You shouldn't do that!" " Stop bleating." " Fucking hell." " How do you turn this thing on?" " Fucking robot's bollock." " There's no signal." " Let me see." "  There's no signal." "  Give it to me." "  Why?" "  Because I'm asking, you foetus." " Oh, my God." " You're so rude!" " I think we should stay here until the police come." " Yeah?" " Why don't you start compiling a book of your fucking theories?" " Fuck off!" " Fuck off!" " Go on, stick around!" " Oh, fucking hell." " Oh, Jesus." " The hummus ones are off." " Shut up!" " Shut it!" " What the...?" " Fuck!" " I'm not..." "I'm normal!" " I'm normal!" " I'm normal!" " I'm a normal person!" " I'm a..." "I-I'm standing up." " I'm standing up." " I'm a normalite." "  Are you the police?" "  Open the door." " Ah, that's disgusting." "  Are you alone in there?" "  Huh?" "  Anyone else in there?" "  No, no, no, no." " Get some fucking supplies." "  What?" "  Get some fucking supplies!" "  What?" " Like water and...?" "  Now!" " OK." " Ow!" " You're gonna be OK." " Before the news went off, it said to barricade your doors." " I don't know how long this will last." " Give us a fag." " Short supply." " You've got 60 stashed under your bed." " Yeah, well, I was saving them for a special occasion." " Merry fucking Christmas." " Where'd you get the gun from?" "  eBay." "  Really?" "  Well, where did you drive from?" "  Clapham." "  I live in Stockwell." "  Not now, you don't." " Is this happening in London and all?" "  Do you want to get out and walk?" "  No." " Well, then, be useful." "  I don't know where we're going." "  The coast." " Which coast?" " Whichever's nearest!" " But I don't know where we are now." " Shh!" " Oh." " Fuck!" " Fuck!" " Well, open the fucking...the..." "Open the boot thing, fucking bonnet thing." " Come on, hurry up." " DOOR closing" " Lift the bonnet." "  Pop it." " Left my tools in the van..." "There's hair and skin and shit in your car." " It's not my car." " I hit one of those things." " Can you fix it?" " I'm just trying to work out what's wrong with it first, all right?" " That knocking noise could be... .. it could be water in the distributor." " Are you sure that was one of those things?" " No." " Are you fixing that?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " I'm on it." " Just, um..." "I wish you'd stop huffing." " You'll use up all the air!" " It's not a submarine, you specimen." "  Do you know how air works?" "  Well, you've just wasted more air!" " Do you even understand what is going on here?" " Or is the whole world just colours and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?" " Oh, stay out of it." "  It's getting dark." "  I know." " So hurry up." " You know, this whole relentless criticism thing of yours is really fucking sexy." " How am I gonna do this?" " That will attract more of them so get a move on!" "  What's happening?" "  She's going into shock." "  She got bitten, not shot." "  Get back." " You've done enough." "  Hold her down." "  What?" " Hold her down!" " But she's one of us!" " She's one of us!" " OK." " OK." " Should we, um, you know, take her outside?" " What?" " With those things out there?" " Fuck off." "  We can't do that." "  She's dangerous!" " She's OK while she's still alive." " We need to move her into the greenhouse." " We're not moving her." " She's in shock!" " If she dies, she becomes one of them things in here." " Outside, she's trapped." " We're not fucking moving her." " She's right." " We've got to move her." "  Fuck off." "  Come on." " Come on!" " Shit!" " Fuck!" " Look, if you can't fix it..." "You know what?" " I'm just trying to get my head around this whole end-of-the-world thing." " It's not my usual environment, so..." "The sooner you come to terms with it, the more chance you've got of surviving." " I am surviving." "  And it's not easy!" "  What have you done?" " You've done nothing." " I've had a van stolen," "I been chased by fuck knows," "I've hid in a garage while I've been shot at." " At!" " Have you shot anyone?" "  Have you had to do that yet?" "  No." " Have you shot a friend?" " How about a best friend?" " Have you done that?" " Have you?" " Have you pulled a trigger and seen your best friend's head explode and walked around in a dream with her blood running down your face and in your mouth picking shards of skull from your jumper like cat's teeth?" " Have you done that?" "  Have you?" "  No, I can't say I have." " No." " Right, don't talk to me about surviving until you have!" "  I won't." "  Good." "  Oh, shit." "  Prick." " Whoa, hey, I can hear something." "  Oh, shit!" "  Fuck!" " Run!" " Fuck!" " Fucking hell!" " Oh, fuck!" " Run for the house!" " Hey!" " Alex!" " Come on!" " Fuck!" " Oh." " That's for not fixing the car." " I think we should check out the house." " How many bullets have you got left?" " One." " Right." " At least we know we're alone, then." " Ooh." " Oh, fuck, I need a slash." "  What?" "  I need a slash." "  Phew." "  But the toilet's out there." " Yeah, I know." " You're not going in here!" " Just turn your back." " Why don't you hold it in?" " I've been holding it in." " Just turn away!" " Oh, my God!" " That's disgusting!" " Oh!" " Oh, my God!" " It stinks!" "  Oh, shut up." "  Eugh!" " Be careful as you put her down." "  Tie her up." "  Why?" " It's a precaution." " Just focus on her breathing." " Get your new girlfriend out of here." " Shut up." " Look, it's imperative that you keep her alive." " Do you understand?" " I'm a charge nurse." " You don't have to tell me." " Can you keep her alive?" " Can you?" " Yeah, I can." " But I need more than this shitty first-aid kit!" " I need haemostatic dressings, epinephrine, morphine." " Basically, I need a pharmacy." " Can you get me that?" " It's my fault." " Angel, stay with me." " Angel." " You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?" "  If you do, you need to let us know." "  Yeah." " If you can get us some of that we might be able to do something." " All right, I do." " I know!" " Bollocks!" " Look, it's out there." " Supermarket out there with a chemist with all sorts of prescription stuff." "  That's exactly what we need." "  That's perfect." " No, it's not perfect cos it's out there." " How far is it?" " It's close." " I really wish I didn't know that." " Through the gates." " It can't be more than a mile." " Used to get the producer's nicotine gum from there." " The lightweight." " We can do that on foot." " It's too risky." " See that van?" " Yeah." " I've got the keys." "  Nice one." "  Mmm." " Don't get too excited." " That's part two of the plan." " What's part one?" " I don't know." " We need to get past these lot first." "  We'll just run for it." "  No, we won't." " Well, we might make it." "  We might think of something else." "  You'd better think of some..." "What was the name of that show with the sheepdogs?" "  What?" " One Man And His Dog?" "  Yeah." " Yeah, that's the one." " I used to love that shit." " Come on!" " Over here!" " Yeah!" " Does this house have a back door?" " Yeah." " Come on." "  Here." "  Oi!" " Come on over here, you wanker!" " Come on, then!" " Come on and get me, you decomposing fucks!" " All right!" " Come on, then!" " Come on, then!" "  If she dies before we're back..." " Don't say that." " If she dies... .. be sure..." "..through the brain." " You have to." " All set?" " The gate!" " The gate!" " Marky!" " Get in the van, Marky." " Get in the van!" "  Go!" " Hurry!" " Get in it!" " Hurry!" "  Shit!" " Shit!" " Go!" " Go, go, go!" " Get in the van, Marky!" " Hurry up!" " Yes!" " I don't care if that's part of the programme." " I'm not staying here!" " Trust me." " Outside, it's a bad idea." " Fuck off!" " Who are they?" " The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't." " Does this mean we're not on telly anymore?" " I wish you'd stop huffing." " You'll use up all the air." " Do you even understand what is going on here?" " Or is all the whole world just colours and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?" " Get some fucking supplies." " Now!" " If she dies she becomes one of them things in here." " Outside, she's trapped." " She's right." " We've got to move her." " At least we know we're alone, then." " Can you keep her alive?" " Yes, I can." " But I need more than this." " The contents of a pharmacy." " Can you get me that?" " You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?" " Supermarket out there with a chemist will all sorts of prescription stuff." "  How far is it?" "  It's close." "  No!" "  Shit!" " Shit." " Get in the van, Marky." " Whoa!" " Take this right, this right." " Around the back it's safer." " It's clear for now." " Keep the engine running." " If you see anything, you bang that horn, right?" " Cool." " Let's go shopping." " This'll come in handy." " TV went off the first night." " Oh, God." " It's the 'Big Brother' live feed." "  They must've evacuated the studio." "  Hurrah." "  My girlfriend works there." "  On that?" " Yes, and I'm worried about her." " Well, if the house is empty, then she'll have been evacuated too." " I guess so." "  What was that?" "  Sh." " Ugh!" " Oh, my God." " Sick." " I wish there was a bloody clock in this place." " Yeah." " Here." " Sh." " What you poking me for?" " Acupressure." " Good for tension." " Not now it's not." "( It's over there.)" "( Come on.)" "  What did he say?" "  Sh." "  Do you understand him?" "  Shut up!" "' Abri', that means 'shelter'." " I'm sorry." " Ange?" " No way!" " No way!" " Check that out." " I'm only on the front cover of 'Heat'!" "" Cheats ex with..." "Rubbish in bed..."" "No." " What the...?" "" Desperate fum..."" "What a load of shit." " They don't half put a load of shit in that magazine, eh?" "" Rubbish in bed"?" " I'm mint in bed." "" Not as funny as he thinks"?" " I'm well funny." " OK." " Er, don't mention that to anyone when we get back in the house." " Yeah." " Mate!" " Mate, over here." "  Get down on your knees!" "  Get on your knees!" "  No, no." "  Get on your fucking knees." "  I don't wanna stop..." " Get down!" "  All right, all right, all right." "  Stay down." " All right, all right." " So what we gonna do with him, then, Den?" " I haven't made my mind up yet, Bob." " Hang on." " You're that...you're that fella off 'Big Brother', ain't ya?" " Yeah, no, no." " It is." " He's that sort of black one, you know." " I dunno." " I don't watch it." " You know, you're shorter in real life." " Well, he's on his knees, isn't he, Bob?" " Look, mate..." "I'll ask the questions." " What you doing here?" " I'm just getting supplies, medical supplies." "  So you're looting?" "  No...no, I'm not looting!" " So you're looting!" " Given the circumstances, we'll let you off with a caution." " So, what?" " Can I get up, then?" " Yeah?" " Well, you could say thank you." "  Thank you." "  Where you going?" " Butlins?" " Not planning a countryside tour, I hope." " That would be a mistake." " Have you got somewhere to hole up?" " Where do you think?" " What?" " Big Brother house?" "' Ere, is that, um..." "Veronica still there?" " Yeah." " Oi, mate." " She is well fit." " Er, Veronica..." " Yeah?" "  Er, would you like a cup of chai?" " All right, thanks." " Sorry, is that "All right, thanks", as in you would like one or "I'm all right, thanks", as in, "I wouldn't"?" " Second one." "  No, sorry." " It... it..." " I don't want one!" " Right." " OK." " Can't you untie me?" " Please, Grayson." " Here." " That's better, huh?" " I know you're there, Joplin." " You know, you should have just asked me for a quick flash, cos it's the end of the world and I might have felt sorry for you." " But you didn't...which is a shame." " Cos what you're doing is a bit creepy, innit?" "  Oven chips?" "  They're essential." " So if there's a power cut, you gonna eat them frozen?" " Er, if there's a power cut, they'll defrost." " What?" " And you'll eat them cold and mushy?" "  Wouldn't be the first time." "  OK." " Come on." " Hurry up." " Sh." " ROARlNG Shit, shit, let's go." " Ain't there somewhere we should be trying to head for?" " Like where?" " Well, I dunno." " Who's in charge?" " You haven't heard, have you?" " Stay there!" " Run to me!" " Fuck!" " Come on, please, Den." " It's only a little one." "  Look at me." "  A bite's a bite, Bob." " Sorry, mate." " I really am sorry, mate." " I had to do that." " There's nothing else you can do for a bite." " You die, you come back as one of them." " That's how it works." " And it works fucking fast." " All right." " Just put that thing down!" " If you lot hadn't been pissing round in the first place..." "The advice was, "Stay indoors."" " Or don't you watch telly?" " What's that?" " Is that a bite?" " No, no, no!" " No, it's not a bite." " It's not a bite." " He's telling the truth, I swear to you." " He's telling the truth." " Back off, sunshine." " No!" " It's not a fucking bite." " It's not a bite." " Bollocks." " I'm not taking the chance." " I'm sorry." " I'm sorry." " Come on." " We gotta go." " Come on." " Now!" "  Babe, let's go." "  Oh, shit." "  Go!" " Go!" " Go!" "  We gotta get out!" "  Fuck!" "  Come on!" " Shit." " Oh, my God." " Grayson!" " Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." " Hurry!" " Hurry!" " Hurry!" " Fuckin' help me!" " Oh!" " Help me!" "  Shit." "  Look, we had no choice, all right?" "  Do you hear me?" "  He's right, yeah." " It was him or us." "  She can't get out." "  Leave her." " She's one of them now." " What do I do?" " Tell me what to do." " Fucking help me!" " He's dying right here!" " I don't know what to do, Joplin!" " Joplin!" " Oh, you gotta be joking." " What?" " Just close the fucking door." " Close it!" " Close it!" " Don't leave me with him!" "  I'm not." "  You are!" "  Stay there!" " Oh." " Mmm." " You snore." " You're a snorer." " Oh!" " Whoo." "  Oh, God." " You're not gonna be sick?" "  No." " Oh, no!" " You're not doing that in here." " Oh, no!" " It's horrible!" "  Put your fingers in your ears." "  Oh!" " I hate you!" " I hate you!" " Go, go, go." " Oh!" " God!" " Ooh-ooh-ooh." " Urgh." " Oh, I want my mum." " Oh, it's disgusting!" "  Shut up." "  I hate you!" " Shut up." " Oh, fuck." " Oh." "  God, it's disgusting." "  Just shut up." " You finished?" " Pass me a napkin." " There's a napkin by you." " Pass me that fucking napkin now!" " Fucking take it." " I don't like this." " Glad you applied?" " I hate you." "  It's a shit." " Oi." " So I rush him with the duvet, yeah, pin him down with this, and you do him with the knife." "  Oh, no." " No way." " No." "  What, then?" " Then you rush him with the duvet and I'll stab him." " Which is it gonna be?" "  I can't." "  Joplin!" " We ain't having him run around out there, all right?" " Marky and that are coming back from the supermarket, through that door." " We've got to get rid before that happens, or he'll kill them all." "  I told you that I can't." "  There isn't any choice, you dick!" "  What you doing?" "  Don't stop, for chrissakes." "  We gotta shut the gate." "  What?" " They're gonna keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate." " We might as well do it while we're here." " Seize the day, and shit." " OK." " Yeah, well I'm the driver, innit?" " God..." "Great." " Great." " Come on, come on." " Shit." " Kelly, get in, get in!" " Go!" " Go!" " Right." " Now, focus." " Yes, yes." " I'm trying to focus." "  OK, I'm trying to visualise..." " Fuck that!" " Just make sure you pin his head down under that." " Cover his teeth." "  But what if he gets loose?" "  Well, do it right and he won't." " Yep, but what if he does?" " Then he'll probably kill us!" " What do you want me to say?" "  Stop being a nine-year-old." "  Yeah!" " OK." " Yeah, all right." " OK." " Great!" "  Let's just get this over with." "  All right." " All right." " Bang that end." " Gray!" " Arggh!" " Ugh!" "  What are you doing?" "  Ugh, ugh!" " It's stuck!" " It might come back on." " They said it won't." " Well, there's gotta be other people out there heading for the coast." " I've told you." " The ports are overrun, and if anything, it's worse over the Channel." "  Face it." " We're on our own." "  Well, well." " Shit." " We should check the walls out there." " Make sure they're secure." "" Really, Alex?"  Yes, Tariq." " Why torture yourself?" " Look, if there's still a signal..." "I dunno." " There's..." "It's a big studio." " She could have found somewhere." " You been with her long?" " Is four years long?" " Beats my record." " And it would have been five next month." " If we'd made it to next month." " You love her." " Does that make me some kind of pussy to you?" " No." "  Quite stupid, ain't they?" "  Not the brightest bunch." " Can't even get out the side." " Don't know they're dead." " Good old British public." " Yeah, you're right." " You're all right." " They're thick as shit." " So, as long as we're still breathing... ..we're smarter than them." " And that's why we're gonna beat 'em." " People!" " People!" " Other people." "  Shit." "  We're not the only ones!" " We're not the only ones." " They're miles away." " May as well be looking at cartoon characters." " That's her!" " That's her!" " That's her." " She's alive." " That's my girl." " That's her." " That's her." " She's alive." " Good girl." " Good girl!" " Good girl." " Kel." " Kelly!" " Kel, oh." " That's a girl." " Good girl, Kel." " She's alive." " Kel." " Oh...oh..." "That's her." " She's alive." "  It's the Big Brother live feed." "  Hurrah." "  My girlfriend works there." "  On that?" " Yes." " And I'm worried about her." " You're that fella off Big Brother, in't ya?" " You know, you're shorter in real life." " It's not..." "Bollocks." " I'm not taking the chance." "  No, please." "  Aargh!" " Aargh!" " Sorry." " Oh, my God!" " Oh, my God!" " Hurry!" "  Are you gonna be sick?" "  No." " No!" " You're not doing that in here!" " Gray!" " They're gonna keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate." " As long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them, and that's why we're gonna beat 'em." " That's her!" " She's alive!" " Good girl." " Good girl." " We've caned these." " Don't give me no more." " No problem." " Why do they keep coming towards the house like that?" " I'm glad they do." " Easier to pick off." " Yeah, but why?" " Some kind of primitive intuition, maybe." " They feel the need to be near us." " Don't forget, this place used to be like a church to them." " Maybe they can just smell bullshit." " Get him." " Right, that's the last of 'em." " Clear for now." " Just the ones we can't see and those at the gates." " Fuck this." " Fuck this." " Yes." " Right." " Right." " Right, right." " That's a light machine." " It's not a machine, it's a lamp." " Well, it lights up the room." " Well, it's dead now." " It's bad for the environment, wasting light." " I'm not wasting it." " I'm turning it into something else." " What, like recycling?" " If you like." " Then that's OK." " It's only 36 miles." " That's a long way on foot with those things around." " I'm not just going to sit here, am I?" "  You won't make it." "  I can't not try." " I mean, I can see her, do you know what I mean?" " Look, I can't just stay here and play farmhouse kitchen with you." " Look, we've got to think long-term." " No." " We're away from the cities." " There's a wall around these grounds." " We can eat veg from the garden and catch fish in the river." " What river?" " Stand up." " Fucking stand up." " Stand up!" " Go over to the door." " Move!" " Listen to me." " Stand there." " Put your hand on the door, on the fucking handle." "  I don't like it." "  Shut up and listen." " You're gonna open that door and you are gonna slam it, fucking slam it on her when she's halfway in." " Do you understand what "halfway" is?" " Do you understand?" "  Say, "Yes, I understand."" "  Yes." " Then are you ready?" " I don't like it." " It is this, or we take it in turns shitting in the bin until we starve to death." " Does that appeal?" " No?" " Then are you ready?" " Do not fuck this up." " All right?" " Get ready." " Now!" " Oh, my God." " You killed her." " You've killed her." " You've killed Davina." " I hired her." " I can do what I like." " Oh, my God." " Result!" " Why didn't you tell me this ran into the grounds?" " You're the genius with the map." " This is the Blackwater." " Runs around the back of the studios." "  Yeah, so?" "  That's fate, that is." " We're safe here!" " And I have got to go." " Well!" " You can't just stay here on your own." " Alex!" " I packed your bag." " Thank you." " What's with the axe?" " Where's the gun?" " No ammo." " There is." " You said there's one bullet left." " I only said that to make you feel better." " What would you have done if one of those things was in there?" " Outrun you." " Right." " Heat." " Pressure." " Nuts." " Zoo." " Nuts and Zoo man?" " Now that is the axis of wanking." "  Oh, Nando's." "  McD's." "  Classy." "  Let me tell you something, yeah?" " When you wake up and you've got a massive hangover, there is nothing better than a good Egg McMuffin." " Yeah, I'll give you that." " Kill or cure, innit?" " Come on, we're off track here." "  EastEnders." "  Lost." " Doctor Who." " It's a kids' show." "  It's not a kids' show." "  It is." "  The Sopranos." "  No, already finished." " We're talking about things that have ended prematurely because of this mess." " Come on, Jops." " If you want to play, get it right." " YouTube." " Facebook." " Oh, shit." " MySpace!" " Amazon." " Now you're on it!" "  Is this where you make Big Brother?" "  Yes." " Oh, my God." "  Oh, my God!" "  Shut up." " She's a new one." " Hello?" " Hello?" " Hello." " Is this even working?" " Hello?" " Hello?" " Hello?" "  It's a voice." "  Oh, my God." " Oh, my God, we're being rescued!" " Hello?" " Ssh, ssh, ssh." " Stop." "  Listen!" "  Is that one of the Big Brother voices?" " Patrick, is that you?" " Yeah, yeah, it's me, um..." " Kelly!" "  Kelly." " That's it." " Listen." " We are trapped in the gallery." " We?" " Who are you with?" " Are you OK?" "  Hello, Space!" "  Pippa?" " No way!" " I was stuck in the room, and he done a poo and it stank!" " What the fuck... is wrong with you?" " Listen, fuck the reunion." " You've gotta get us out of here." " Can you make your way across the car park?" "  Is it safe?" "  Ish." "  Ish?" "  We've closed the main gates, and cleared most of those in the compound." "  What do you mean, "cleared"?" "  That'll be me." "  Where the fuck did that come from?" "  It's a long story." " Fine." " Just come and get us out, then." " We can't." " We are trapped in here!" " How many of those things are up there?" " It's one thing shooting from here, another heading out there." " Says the man with the gun to me with the pointy stick!" " I'm sorry, mate, it's not worth the risk!" " Fuck you." "  What's he doing?" "  What are you doing?" "  What are you playing at?" "  Put the shutters up!" "  Is this guy for real?" "  Patrick." " Right." " No dialogue, just instant abuse of human rights." " Oh, fuck off, Shami Chakrabati." " Try this." " Oh, my God!" " Patrick!" "  What are you doing?" "  Shut up." " Stop it!" " Whose house do you think you're standing in, you stupid speck of shit?" " Patrick!" " We're coming to get you." " Thank you." " Bollocks!" "  But Pippa's there as well." "  You can't go up there, man." " We've got guns." " They haven't." " Stay here, then." " Space?" " I've got you covered!" " Don't worry about it." " It's just Brian." " Fuck, it is Brian." " Come on." " Come on." " You took your time." " We should pass by an old abbey." " And then some woods half a mile later." " The studio's behind there." " All right." " So what's the best way back down?" " What am I, fucking invisible?" " I'm talking to you." " Fucking hell." " Yeah, what are you looking for?" " Crown Court?" " Come on." " It's worth a try." "  I heard something on the radio." "  What?" "  Some foreign stuff." "  Saying what?" " I don't know!" " I don't speak foreigner." " You know, a foreign voice is good enough for me." " We're gonna find the nearest port, and get out of Britain." "  Come on." "  We can't." " Why not?" "!" " You'll see." "  Oh, fuck." "  Oh, my God." " I don't like it." " They just keep coming." " Look, it's still not safe here." " We should get back into the house." " Oh, fuck." " It's the best place to be right now." " Shit, that's one of them, er..."water door" things, innit?" " A lock, yeah." " Hurry." "  Everyone, this is Patrick." "  Hi, Patrick." " Oh, fuck it." "  Fucking starving." "  So are we." " Patrick, it's gotta last." " You've got a Biodome." " Grow some fucking courgettes or something." " Here." " Whoa, whoa, whoa!" " Not in here." " I'm trying to give up." " They won't listen." " Take it outside, you dirty bastard." " What?" " Pass me that peanut butter." " What's the magic word?" " Fuck off." "  What the...?" "  Fucking hell." " Fuck!" " You all right?" " Do it." " I liked our farmhouse." " I'm so sorry." " I know." " Fuck!" " Look who's off the fag wagon." " Guy's a dickhead." " You don't wanna work under that." " Yeah, just let him walk it out." " Poor bastard's got a lot to come to terms with." " And who ain't?" " The whole world's gone fucking tits up, and we don't even know why." " It's a terrorist attack." " No, it's bigger than that." "" And the sea gave up the dead which were in it." " And death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them." " And they were judged, every man, according to their works."" " Judgement Day." " It's in the Bible." " You can't wheel out the Bible." "  I thought you was an atheist." "  Yes." " You trying to say that God's punishing us for something?" "  No, I'm not saying God..." "If it's Iraq, I never agreed to that in the first place." " That wouldn't be fair." " Or the other place." " Palestinia." " I'm not even saying there is a god." " But if there is, maybe all this is happening because he or she or it is judging our culture and smiting us accordingly." " Yeah, but why be such a cunt about it?" " Whoa!" " Fuck!" " Oh, fuck!" " It's like a losers' convention in here." " Proud of yourselves?" " Want another fag, Patrick?" " Oddly enough, I don't, Kathy." "  Kelly." "  Yeah, whatever." "  We need an escape plan." "  Like we haven't thought of that." " Think of it as a task, if that helps." " Come on, we should hit the road!" " We can't get to the road no more." " You haven't fucking tried!" " Patrick, I agree with you." " Patrick." " I agree with you." " I do." " But there's no way through those gates." " You've seen them." " We've got the keys to a van." " So we'll just drive." "  We'll drive away!" "  We can't just drive past." " All right?" " They won't step aside like some fucking chambermaids." " We'll just, we'll..." "We'll distract them!" " We'll distract them." " We'll bait them away, OK?" " We'll bait them away from the gates long enough and then we'll drive straight through." " With what?" " A ball of string?" " Look, they eat flesh, don't they?" " Right?" " That's what they eat." " We'll give them some." " There's a man-sized portion of Pedigree Chum laying right there." "  Fuck off!" "  We'll chop 'em up." " We'll chop 'em up!" " We'll toss the best bits to the fucking ghoulies." " They'll run after that." " Munch, munch, thanks very much." " We'll drive straight through." " You're not doing that." " I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking idiot." " But it is worth a pissing shot!" " No." " No, no, no, it's not." " Actually, I think we should at least consider it." " What?" " Fucking hell." " You should come and help me with this!" " It's not as bad as it looks!" " Bunch of cowards." " I'll do it." " I'll fucking do it." " Have that." " Lovely." " Look at that." " What's the fucking matter with you?" " Bloody backwards fucking livestock." " Hey?" " Think you've still got a fucking audience?" " Do you?" " What are you gonna do?" " Fucking sit here?" " Breathing in each other's fucking bum clouds until the sky falls in?" " Pardon me, but I am a fucking... bit more fucking ambitious than that." " A bit more fucking ambitious, thank you very much." " Come here, you." " If you had to fucking work for a living, instead of trying to do a fucking quick fix." " Hey?" "" Look at me!" " Look how famous I am!" " I've been a twat on telly for two months."" " Maybe you'd know what that means?" " But, no." " Want it now, want it fucking now." " Well, come and get it." " Get this fucking bit out here." " Look at that!" " Precision!" " Bit of precision and pride in your job." " It's not a lot to ask, is it?" " Don't even know what that is." " Look at this!" " What is that?" " Stop fucking crying." " This is an escape plan." " Kel!" " Are you gonna let this fruitcake get away with this bullshit?" " He's right." " Look, I'm sorry, but he is." " It's worth trying." " Space!" " Space!" " Oh, got a live one." " No!" " No!" "  You won't make it." "  I have got to go." " We're gonna get to the nearest port, get the fuck out of Britain." " We can't." " They just keep coming." " Oh, fuck." " That's one of them, er, water door things." "  Pass me the peanut butter." "  What's the magic word?" " Fuck off." "  We need an escape plan." "  We haven't thought of that." " We'll bait them away from the gates long enough and drive straight through!" "  With what?" "  Fuck." " They eat flesh, don't they, right?" " That's what they eat." " We'll give 'em some!" "  I'm so sorry." "  I know." " I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking idiot!" " You should come help me with this." " It's not as bad as it looks." " Oh." " Got a live one." " Oh!" " Oi!" " I'm..." "I'm a normal person!" " Coulda sworn this one said summat." " I'm normal!" " Heh!" " Says he's normal!" "  Don't fucking shoot, then!" "  Do ya mean?" " I'm a normal person!" " Riq." " Riq!" "  Riq!" "  Kelly?" " Riq!" " Who the fuck's Riq?" " Oh!" " Come on!" " Come on!" " Riq!" " Yes!" "  You stink!" "  Come here." " Ooh!" " What do you reckon?" " Gonna need more than this?" " Oh!" "  It's so good to see you." "  Stink, do I?" " Do I stink?" " Let's get you washed up and start thinking about where we can go." " What?" " Well, you came from somewhere." " There's places that it's safe, right?" " It's fucked out there." "  Yeah, but..." " It's completely fucked up." " Well, I mean, how far did you go?" " There's..." "No, listen, this thing's global." " All right?" " It's not gonna be over in six days or six months." " All that old stuff is gone." " I mean, you came to take me away." " Baby, I..." "I don't mean to interrupt anything yeah but... ..an intro would be nice." "  This is Riq." "  You all right, man?" " Riq?" " My friends call me Space." " Space?" " Yeah." " I've seen you on the telly." "  Yeah?" "  Yeah." " No, he's lying." " He doesn't watch it." " Well, I've been catching up recently." " Believe." " Well, come on, then!" " A right touching romance we've got here." "  Who's he?" "  Everyone, this is Riq." " Fuck who he is." " How did he get here?" " Sorry?" " How did you get here?" " Helicopter?" " Magic Mole Machine?" " What?" " Nah, jumped over the fence round the back." " The fence?" " So, that's..." "that's like a safe route, is it?" " Like fuck is it." " It's crawling with those things." " Riq's been outside so we should listen to what he says." "  What is he?" " A tour guide?" "  No, actually, he's my boyfriend." " Oh, right!" " Sorry." " So you've come here to save her." " How sweet." "  Aw, I like it." "  What's happening there?" " Basically it's a wasteland." " Right, so, how did you get here through this wasteland?" " Down the river." " The river?" " In a boat?" " Yeah." " Sorry." " Who are you?" " Tony Curtis." " Where is that boat now?" " It's downstream." "  Downstream?" "  Yeah, it floated off." " Right." " Fucking right." " So you didn't want to moor it up?" " Are you on some personal quest to redefine ineptitude?" " I was being fucking chased." " Oh." " Ho-ho." " Fucking boo-hoo." " Right, thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man here, the van is still our best bet, right?" " I have prepped the bait." " So, fucking vamoose, chop chop, let's go." " You're not in charge!" " Yeah, um, we're not going anywhere." " Look, if that Mary's made it, there's gonna be other survivors, OK?" " No!" " You'll spend all your time looking for somewhere half as secure as this." " You're not gonna find it, mate." " Yeah." " There's food here, solar panels, fortified fences." "  It just makes more sense." "  Don't confuse them with facts!" "  It's..." " There's nothing out there, mate." " Nothing." " For all we know, we're all there is." " Brilliant." " Thank you very much for the pep talk." " Very nice to meet you, Janice." " Right, we're going." " Come on." " Let's go." " We never decided." " Don't tell me you believe that tit-a-ma-boob." " He can't even tie up a boat for Christ's sake." " I was fucking chased!" " Yeah, yeah, you and your reasons!" "  I'm not going." "  Fine!" " Die here in cuckoo land." " How about you?" "  Stay." "  She's right." "  He can speak for himself." "  I'm staying." " Oh, grow some nuts." " Well, it's my decision, all right?" " All for one and that." " Who do you think you are?" " Love's young dream here in fucking cutie cottage?" " We're sticking together." "  She's stolen your heart, has she?" "  Yeah, something like that." " Oh, fucking wake up, Mutley." " She only wiped her slit up your thigh for the highlights reel, you chimpanzee." " No, I never, you fuckwit!" " You would fuck a fisherman's dog if there was a Heat cover in it." "  Who asked you?" "  You would if it got you somewhere." " Fucking stop!" " This is crazy!" " Look, Patrick, you're outvoted." "  We haven't all spoken." "  No, I'm staying." " You know this lot hate you." "  You know it's true." "  Look, who cares who said what?" " I mean, Patrick, none of that matters anymore." "  No-one's going anywhere." "  I bloody am." " You don't get it, do you?" " You just don't get it." " Get what?" " To leave you need to go through them gates." " You open the gates, they're gonna keep flooding in." "  And then we're all fucked." "  So?" "  So you have to stay!" "  No, I don't." " We have to!" " We have to." " Look, this is the only way it's gonna work." " Look, we need to be realistic, Patrick." " " Na-na-na-na, na-na-nah."  Fuck off." "  What the...?" " See ya, losers!" "  Get out my way." " Get away." "  Stop." "  Patrick." "  Get away." " Get away." "  Get away." "  Don't make me do this, Patrick." " Patrick, please don't force me to do this." " You're gonna have to shoot me in the back, darling." " Don't fucking test me." "  Got him." "  Hold him, hold him!" " Get off me, fucker." " What a knob." "  Is he always like this?" "  Yeah." " The keys." " Chuck him in there." " Tie him up good and tight." " And Space?" " Fucking gag him an' all." " Oh." " I'd have had him then if he'd not kicked me in the nuts." " I don't like him being in there." " I really need a wee." " It won't be for much longer." " We just need to talk some sense into him." " Good luck with that!" " I've worked for him, OK?" " He just gets a bit doodah when he's stressed." "  You call that "a bit doodah"?" "  The man's a walking hazard." " Once he's off the boil, he's almost human." " He's just at his worst..." "He'll level out." " Babes, babes...you can't talk someone down off the moon, all right?" " And he is well on the moon." " They're right." "  What was that?" "  I'm not going." " I went last time." " I'll go." " Well, he can't have wiggled out." " I tied him up like a piglet." " Good, the fat fucking porker." " Sorry, I'm going to have to..." "Patrick!" " Jesus!" " I can't go if you're making that noise, can I?" " Thank you." " Can you breathe OK?" " If you start shouting, the gag goes straight back on again, OK?" "  OK?" "  OK." " Don't let them do this to me, please?" " You shouldn't have fought." " They're going to kill me." "  No-one is going to kill you." "  They will be working it out now." " He's tied up for now, so why don't we just..." "What happens when he ain't?" " Soon as we turn our backs, he'll try to get out them gates and fuck us all over." "  So we keep him tied up." "  For how long?" " Riq says it's bad outside, yeah?" " We might be in here for keeps, yeah?" " Well, Looney Tunes ain't gonna stay tied up for keeps, is he?" " He'll get out somehow." " He won't give up till he's got them gates opened and then it is game over for all of us." "  That's true." "  What are you trying to suggest?" " Why don't you just fucking come out and say it?" " All right." " All right." " There ain't much room for debate, Kelly." " It's extreme circumstances, innit?" " OK." " I've seen this, Joplin." " I've seen this hundreds of times." " Look, if you break from the group, the group breaks you." "  OK, the gag's going on." "  Just ask..." "Ask yourself this." " When I've gone - when I'm out of the way - who's going to be the bottom of the pile?" " You will." " You're next." " They hate you." " They have told me time and time again in that Diary Room." " And what did they say?" " You're old, you're a pervert, you're pretentious, you stink the bog out, your clothes make you look like a cunt." " They have poured insults over you like buckets of cum." " Do you know what they call you when you're out the room?" " Hey?" " Gollum." " Gollum." " Yeah." " Yeah." " The crowds turn up holding signs that say "Gollum Out"." " They'd love it." " You're a joke to them." " You're a liar." " Am I?" " You're talking fucking murder." " Come on!" " It's self-defence." " It's like when Angel got bit, yeah?" " We've got to act practically." "  We can't trust him." "  It's him or us, yeah?" " You can't get much more practical than that." " Just one shot to the back of the head." " No, no." " We'll use the axe." " I'm not wasting ammo." " All right." " Hey, Gollum's taking his time." " What's he doing - having a wank?" "" My precious."" " Oh, don't do that." " Gollum wanking!" " Let's take a vote, yeah?" " Like nominations." " It's all it is." " It's only a game show." " There's been enough killing." " Well, what do you propose we do?" " Cripple him." " Cripple him?" " Yeah, break his ankles - take a hammer to his feet." " It'll have to be pretty bad to stop him moving." " We'll do it bad enough that he won't be going anywhere." " I don't like it." "  Well, it's better than killing him." "  She's right." " What do you think, babe?" " Pretty hard to break an ankle so it don't set back right, innit?" " You've got to crack it sideways, inwards." " Fine." " We could chop the Achilles tendon, back of the heel." " Turns the feet into dead plates." " He won't be able to operate the pedals in the van." " Where'd you learn that from, man?" " Saw Jack Bauer do it on the telly." " No." " That's not real life, is it?" " No." " If we do it, we're smashing his ankles, like in that film, Mystery." " Look, have we agreed no killing, just the ankles...?" " You're going to need a recount." " Get away from that now." "  Patrick!" "  Joplin, get her peashooter." "  You wanker!" "  We should've fucking killed him." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " You didn't, though, did you?" "  Give me the gun." " Give me the gun." "  Joplin, what you doing?" " Give me the gun." " You take that one." " Joplin, you fucker..." "You don't fucking need her." " Just go!" " What you fucking doing?" " You don't need her." "  Fucking step back." "  What the fuck are you playing at?" "  Fuck off!" " Stay there." "  You don't need her." " Joplin, get the bait bowl and the keys." "  What do you need her for, huh?" "  Please!" "  Joplin, what you playing at, man?" "  I-I'm sorry." " No, you're not." " Just open the door." "  Fucking step back." "  Oh, my God!" " Stay back." " Deep breath." " Everyone say bye-bye!" " Bye-bye." " Get out, Joplin." " Bye-bye!" " Riq!" " Kel." " Kel!" " Kelly, look at me." " Kelly, look at me." " Where the fuck are you going?" " I don't give a fuck." " Fuck off." "  Help me, please." "  Just put the fucking gun down." "  Fuck off." "  Joplin, you fucking Judas!" " Look, I'm really sorry, OK?" " All right, Desmond Tutu." " It's not the Guardian." "  Get in the fucking van." "  No, please!" "  Mate, have a look!" "  I'm not a fucking plumber." "  Back off." "  Just don't hurt her, then." "" Don't hurt her"?" " You fucking clumsy idiot, don't fucking..." "Riq!" " Riq!" " You fucking shot him." " You're crazy." " Joplin!" " Baby, baby!" " Fucking do something!" " Stay with me." " Joplin, you fucking prick!" " Baby, baby." " Stay with me, baby!" " Fuck!" " Baby." " Baby." " He's fucking dead!" " He's fucking dead!" " Riq!" " Fuck!" " Fuck!" " Fuck you!" "  Pippa!" "  Fuck you!" " Pippa!" " Fuck you!" " What you doing?" " Fucking hell!" " Fuck you!" " Joplin, you spastic!" " Don't open the..." "Ahh!" " Jesus!" " Fuck!" "  They're coming in!" "  Fucking run." " No!" " Come on, come on!" " Oh, shit!" " Shit!" " Fuck off!" " Close it." " Close the door." " Go on, fucking eat me, you fucking ugly git!" " Go on, you useless pieces of fucking...cattle." " Pippa!" " Pippa!" " Pippa..." "Pippa!" " It's Space." " I'm in the gallery." " Where's Pips?" " Space!" "  Close the shutters!" "  What?" "  The shutters!" " Look for the button." "  Shutters, shutters." " Close it!" " Eat it." " Go on!" " Eat it all!" " I've got fucking bowels full of shit." " Eat it!" " They're coming through the runs." " They're in the runs!" " They're in the runs!" " We need weapons." " We need weapons!" " They're going to come through." " They're everywhere." " They're fucking everywhere." " Is this it?" " Is it over?" "  Space!" "  Yeah." " Can you open the Diary Room door?" " Can you?" " What?" " Diary Room." " Ahh!" "  It's going to crack!" "  It's going to fucking crack!" " Space, it says 'D-Room'!" " The button!" " Uh!" " Door's open, Kel!" " The door's open." " Fuck off!" " Fuck off!" " Space, are you still there?" " I'm still here." " Pippa?" " P-Pippa!" " How you doing?" " Not bad." " Pretty much surrounded here." " What about Veronica and Marky?" " No." " This makes you the winner... ..of this year's Big Brother." " Space, I need you to open the door." " No way." " It's a full house out there." " I know, but I'm going to fight my way through..." " There's hundreds of them!" "  I'm going to get..." "You're not listening!" " There's hundreds of them!" " Space, what did you say to me back at the gate?" " Seize the day and shit." " Come on." " I can do this." " All right." " All right." " Just say "when", yeah?" "  Wish me luck." "  I am." " OK." " Let me out of here."