"Don't let us down now, Valkyrie." " Fingers crossed, Alan." " I got everything crossed." " OK, people." " Transmission arriving in... ..ten, nine, eight, seven, six..." "Five, four, three, two, one!" " Sorry, I could never resist a countdown!" " Who the hell are you?" "!" " Is this Neil Armstrong?" " What?" " Neil Armstrong?" " First man on the Moon." " Not quite the first..." "You mean he wasn't the first man on the Moon?" " That is such a human-centric question." " I'm the human in this set up." " She is, actually." " It's a bit embarrassing, really." " Who are you people?" " Friendly aliens." " Don't mind us, just a day out for the kids." " It's from the Chief!" " Is it?" " Oh, yes." " That's right." " Authorising us to go anywhere we please." " So" " Valkyrie?" " Valkyrie... is... ..probing the Martian ice caps with a new kind of camera on board." " Uses a different spectrum to see under the poles and beam back pictures." " What the hell...?" "* DOCTOR WHO Season 10 Episode 09 Episode Title: "The Empress of Mars"" "Mars.  1881." " Or thereabouts." " According to the TARDIS, that's when the message was made." " Though we may be a bit early." " So, there were humans on Mars in Victorian times?" " No." " There weren't." " The TARDIS registered multiple life forms below the surface, so this seems like the best place to look." " Maybe someone's been messing around with time." " Like in The Terminator." " The Terminator?" " It's a movie." " You haven't seen it?" " I'm a very busy man." " You'd like it." " It's got killer robots." " Ooh, I'll put it on the list." " Even if there are people here, why would they bother writing messages on the surface of the planet?" " State visit?" " Patriotic fervour?" " Rogue graffiti artist?" " Doctor..." "I see it." " If there's fire, there's got to be oxygen!" " Wait, wait!" " Let's not be rash." "  OK." "  I'll go first." " What are you doing?" "!" " Fire." " Oxygen." " Basic physics, isn't it?" " Could've been basic death!" " Wait, how can there be oxygen here?" " The indigenous Martians were superb engineers." " Mind you, there's a lot here that doesn't make sense." " It's like the underground tunnels in The Thing." " The what?" " It's a movie." " You'd like that one too." " Everybody dies." " Bill?" " Bill?" " Bill!" " Bill!" " Hang on!" " We'll find a way down!" " Go back to the TARDIS!" " Get ropes." " Lifting gear." " Anything you can find!" " Nardole, what the hell are you doing?" " So this could go very well or very badly." " Halt!" " I say!" " We weren't expecting company!" " Right." " Er..." "Yeah." " Right." " By the moons, I honour thee." " I am the Doctor." " What is your name?" " I know your people of old." " I was once... an Honorary Guardian of the Tythonian Hive." " Don't move." " I'll sort this beggar out." " No, no, no, no!" " You don't understand!" " This creature is no threat!" " He may look like a monster to you..." "GUNSHOT" "I wasn't talking to you." " Are you all right, Friday?" " Sir." " Who are you and what the devil are you doing here?" " I could ask you the same question." " And I will!" " Hello." " Hello, Miss?" " I was wondering if I could ask for your help?" " I need to get to Mars." " Well, I need to get back to Mars, in fact." " Um... and... it's a little bit urgent, only the TARDIS is acting up." " I was wondering if you could tell me how to fix..." "'Course I can.'" " Oh, right." " Thank you." "' But it's probably easier if I just show you.'" " Oh." " Erm..." "Indian or China, m'dear?" " Erm." " I..." "I dunno." " China?" " Where's Nardole?" " Erm..." "He seems to have taken the TARDIS." "  What?" "!" "  I'm sure it's only a temporary thing but it means that for the time being, we're stuck here on Mars." " You were saying, Colonel?" " Oh, well, yes, I was stationed out there." " South Africa." " One day, I came across something in the veldt." " Something that was clearly not of this earth." " An interplanetary vessel!" " I found Friday here on board." " In a sort of coma." " Half dead." " Why do you call him that?" " Man Friday?" " As in Robinson Crusoe?" " So, according to this you've been on board Friday's ship the whole time?" " Yes." " We were..." "That sounds..." "That sounds..." "Convincing?" " Yes, that's right." " On his ship." " Well, I suppose it was pretty roomy, what!" " Yes!" "  It was!" " Yes." " Wasn't it?" "  Yes." " Very roomy." " But the whole, you know, getting on board..." "I mean, that's all..." "It's all a bit hazy." " Maybe you could tell us everything." " Yes, well... after I woke him up, Friday asked for my help." " To repair his spaceship?" "  Yes." " And to bring him home." "  In return for what?" " Ah." " Well, now." " That is the question." " BOOM" " Prepare to fire!" "  At the double!" " Go, go, go!" "' Friday helped us build the Gargantua, a remarkable piece 'of mining equipment fashioned from one of his ship's artillery.'" "' He promised us gemstones, you see, silver... gold..." "'Treasure beyond our wildest dreams.'" " That's why you helped him come home." " To claim Mars in the name of Queen Victoria." " To loot it of its riches." " Stake a claim." " The red planet turned pink." " That was the general idea, old love." " But there's nothing here." " Whole show's been a ruddy wash out." " The ship crashed on landing." " I go top side now and then to see if I can repair the beggar." " That's what I was doing when I ran across you." "  And?" "  No joy so far." " It could have been a fresh start." " For all of us." " But now supplies are running as low as morale." " Things are pretty desperate, I'm afraid." " RINGING" "THUDDING FOOTSTEPS" "You've told us why you came here." " What does he get out of it?" "  Nothing." "  Nothing?" " He was hoping to find his people." " But it appears he was asleep on that ship much longer than he anticipated." " Mars is dead." " Dead as a coffin nail." " Friday is the last of his kind." " Is he now?" " You know what Friday is then?" " He's an Ice Warrior." " And they're the proper Martians right?" " They belong here?" " Yes." " The indigenous species." " An ancient reptilian race." " They built themselves a sort of bio-mechanical armour for protection." " The creature within... is at one with its carapace." " The Ice Warriors, they could build a city under the sand yet drench the snows of Mars with innocent blood." " They could slaughter whole civilisations, yet weep at the crushing of a flower." " Like The Vikings." " Yes." " Yes, very much." " Yeah, Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis!" " The theme tune is amazing!" " There's this brilliant bit where his eye gets gouged out..." "Why have you really come back?" " I am old and tired and spent." " Now then, Vincey." " Look lively, lad." " What's the point, though?" " Jackdaw..." "Months we've been digging 'ere and what have we got to show for it?" " Sweet Fanny Adams, that's what." " Yeah!" " What old Friday promised, it's a load of gammon!" "  Jackdaw..." " What...?" " You must come at once, sir." " The Gargantua!" " She's..." "She's uncovered something!" " Good Lord!" " Looks like old Friday came good after all, eh?" " It's beautiful." " What is it?" " A tomb?" " Not just any tomb." " This is the tomb of an Ice Queen." " I have a bad feeling about this." " These sarcophagi were sometimes part of a complex hibernation system." " Sergeant Major, get these civilians out of here." " No!" " Colonel, colonel, you have to let me examine this." " I think not, Doctor." " This is a military matter." " This may not just be a grave you've uncovered." " This could be the entrance to an Ice Warrior Hive." " A what?" " Sergeant Major Peach!" " I gave you an order..." "I am in charge here, Catchlove!" " Yes, sir." " Of course, sir." " Post a guard." " No-one is to go near this thing until the morning, is that clear?" " Yes, sir!" " The last thing I'm going to do is take sides." " But isn't it obvious?" " Friday has been using you all along." " His aim was to get back to Mars and find his Queen." " Nonsense!" " He was leading us to the riches he promised us." " The simple fact is, you don't belong here." " The sooner you get off this planet, the better!" " Don't belong?" "!" " We're British!" " Mars is part of the empire now." " What happened to not taking sides?" " I'm trying to save their lives!" " Let's face it, in this scenario, the humans are the invaders." " On the other hand, the Ice Warriors have vastly superior armaments which will wipe the humans out." " So what am I supposed to do?" " Here you go, Sarge." "  Much obliged, I'm sure, Jackdaw." "  Don't I get none?" "  RHIP, son." "  Eh?" " Rank has its privileges." " Christ alive, look at the gild on that thing!" " That would set a fella up for life, Vincey." " Even just a little bit of it." " Now then, you 'orrible old man, don't go getting no fancy notions." " I'm sure the colonel will be distributing this munificence in a fair and decent fashion, and we can all look forward to... to a... a rosy... ..future..." "Sarge?" "!" " Jackdaw!" " What have you done?" " A quietner from the infirmary." " He'll be as right as ninepence come dawn." " But by then, I'll be gone." " Gone?" " Gone where?" " Case you've forgotten, we're marooned on ruddy Mars!" " You don't know what I know, son." " Captain Catchlove's further on with his repairs than he's let on." " Oh, yes, my old love, Jackdaw's going home, but this time, he'll be minted!" " Come on." " Give us a hand." " Right!" " Keep an eye out, will you?" " Nah, you ain't getting me involved in this lark, Jackdaw!" " Go on!" " Be a sport!" " You'll get your share of the rhino, I promise!" " ♪ It's the same the whole world over... ♪" "♪ .." "It's the poor what gets the blame... ♪" "♪ .." "It's the rich what gets the pleasure" "♪ Ain't it all a bleedin' shame!" " ♪" "Someone's coming, Jackdaw!" " We'll ruddy swing for this!" " Jackdaw!" " Come on, mate." " Don't muck about..." "Jackdaw?" " What manner of fleshy worm are you?" " SLOW, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH" "Speak." " What the hell...?" " That was... unwise." " Your Majesty." " By the moons, I honour thee, Iraxxa." " My Empress!" " My Queen!" " My Sentinel." " You have fulfilled your pledge." " I am resurrected!" " Forgive me, Majesty, but we have slept longer than anticipated." " By my calculations, Majesty, we have slept for 5,000 years." " 5,000 years?" " Jump to it!" " Move!" " What the devil?" " What the hell's going on here, Friday?" " Colonel, let me speak to them." " I can do this." " I can sort this out." " Who the devil is this?" " She is Iraxxa," "Empress of Mars." " The deuce she is!" " And you think you can just go about slaughtering my men willy-nilly, do you, madam?" "" Your men"?" " What does the pink thing say?" " Pink thing?" "!" " Sergeant Major, call to arms!" " No!" " No!" " Wait, Catchlove!" " Wait!" " Honour must be satisfied." " An eye for an eye!" " I am in command here!" " All right." " By the moons, I honour thee." " I'm the Doctor... ..and I beg leave to intercede." "  You know my race?" "  I do." " And I ask... mercy for these primitives." " " Primitives"?" "!" "  Shhhh!" " Majesty, the world you knew is dead." " The atmosphere has all but evaporated." " The surface is lifeless." " If there are others who sleep here, they cannot survive on Mars without help." " You must cooperate if you are to survive." " He speaks the truth, Majesty." " The war, all that we fought for, is less than the dust now." " And you!" " Female." " What do you say?" " Me?" " We are both surrounded by... noisy males." " I would value your opinion." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, er..." "They're not lying to you." " There's no need for anyone else to die today." " The humans saved his life." " Is this true?" " His cryogenic cell was damaged." " They saved him." " And made him their pet!" " It was necessary to dissemble, Majesty." " I thought only of your resurrection." " It was a tactical decision..." "An Ice Warrior's duty is to command!" " Present!" " Iraxxa, listen to me!" " The Mars you ruled is gone!" " But don't let it end this way!" " Fight, yes, but for the future." " Not a dead past." "  You bloody fool!" "  Sorry, sir!" " Down!" " Put your gun down." " Halt!" " Your Majesty, are you all right?" " You ask for mercy for these creatures?" " Indeed." " Then I grant it." " Thank you." " They will die... quickly." " No-o-o-o!" " Colonel!" " Get your men out of here!" " Colonel!" " Colonel!" " Retreat!" " RETREAT!" " Catchlove, listen to me!" " Your only chance is to come to terms." " We have the Gargantua!" " Is she primed and aimed, Sergeant?" " Yes, sir!" " No, no, I forbid you, that is not a weapon!" "" Forbid"?" " You forbid" "This farce has gone on long enough!" " Arms at the ready!" " MACHINERY CLANKS" "No!" " No!" " Don't shoot!" " For God's sake." " Down!" " Put your guns down!" " What the devil?" " BLASTER SHOT, RUMBLING" "That will hold them!" " We're about to go to war, so it's time you knew the truth." " Listen to me, men!" " The colonel is not what he appears!" " The hero of Isandlwana" " Show them your famous wound, Colonel." "  No, no." " No, please!" "  No, please..." " Show them!" " FABRIC RIPS" "The mark of a rope!" " While you were fighting for Queen and country, the colonel here was dancing the Newgate polka!" " This is the mark of the rope that failed to hang him for desertion!" " They tried to hang him, but they bungled it." " He's a paper tiger." " Not fit to command!" " Look, it doesn't matter who's in charge of your stupid expedition!" " You don't stand a chance against the Ice Warriors!" "  What, all two of 'em?" "  There'll be more, you idiot!" " The Hive is active." " Don't you see?" " They'll do anything to defend their home planet." " Well, I dare say the British Army is more than a match for a bunch of upright crocodiles." "  Sergeant Major!" "  Sir?" " I'm assuming command." " Take the colonel and put him in the brig." " Sergeant Major Peach, I gave you an order." " Very good, sir." " Private!" " If you'd be so good as to come this way, sir?" " Oh, and for the last time, get these wretched people out of my sight." " Put them in the brig, too." " There's no room for civilians here." " This isn't over, Catchlove." " No." " It ain't." " Not now Neville Catchlove's in charge!" " DOOR SLAMS" "You'll regret this!" " In a couple of hours, you'll be begging for help!" " It will take time to revive all my Warriors." " But perhaps enough are awoken to go on the offensive." " If either of those creatures get out of there, we'll be ready for them." " Yes, sir." " Carry on, Sergeant Major." " We won't let you down, sir." " There's no setting for wood!" " Why is there still no setting for wood?" "!" " But... you've got a plan?" " Yes, of course, I've got a plan." " I'm all plans." " I'm MADE of plans!" " Who the deuce are you two, really?" " You speak of us as though we're a different species." " You seem to know all about these... these Ice Warriors." " You seem to know a lot about most things." " Well, we're sort of police." " Speak for yourself!" " What, you can deal big green Martians and... and... rocket ships, but you can't deal with us being the police?" " No, no, no, no, no..." "It's just such a fanciful notion." " A woman in the police force...!" " HE CHUCKLES" "Listen, yeah," "I'm going to make allowances for your Victorian attitudes because... well, you actually are Victorian..." "But... anyway!" " Is it true?" " You deserted?" " Why?" " Oh, cowardice." " Simple cowardice." " I thought I had it in me to command, Miss Potts, but when push came to shove, I..." "I flunked it." " Deserted my post." " Catchlove was the only one who knew and he's bled me dry." " Could have been a fresh start, for all of us." "  How's it looking out there?" "  All quiet." " It's traditional, at this point, to say, "too quiet"." " Always liked the colonel, I did." " Seemed a decent chap." " Well, we must take orders from the captain now, son." " Them's the rules." " Sir." " Blimey, Sarge." " This is a queer 'un, ain't it?" " Something to tell your kids." " I mean..." "Martians...?" "!" " You just face front and mark your man when you see him, Vincey lad." " Martian or no Martian." " Wait till Alice hears all this." " Set a date, have you, son?" " You and your Alice?" " Not yet." " I want to have enough put by to make us comfy." " And then we'll get married in that little church with the twisted spire back home." " Down by the river." " It's so green there, Sarge." " It's beautiful." " I miss the trees and the grass!" " I never want to see red again in all my puff." " I just want to see..." "How, in God's name, did they get behind us?" "!" " Turn it!" " Turn it, for God's sake, 90 degrees!" " It won't work, sir, we need more men!" " Catchlove, this is senseless slaughter!" " BLASTER FIRE" "PANICKED SHOUTS" "Present!" " Fire!" " Come on, lads!" " There's only three of them." " Sleep no more, my Warriors!" " Sleep no more, it is time!" " Doctor, what do we do?" " There's no way out." " Close the gap!" " Retreat!" " Retreat!" " Run for it!" " Sir!" " What do we do?" " Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers." " Friday?" " Doctor, we must work together." " Rise, my Ice Warriors!" " Rise!" "  Whoa, whoa, whoa!" " Where are you going?" "  I'm sorry, Doctor." " Blue funk." " Can't help it." " I can't do it!" " I'm sorry!" "  I need a distraction." " Good luck!" "  You got one." " Oi, Queenie!" " Let's talk!" " Woman-to-woman!" "  You valued my opinion before." "  Perhaps." " But this is war." " Why?" " Why does it have to be war?" " Your Majesty, she's right." " You have forged a new alliance, I see." " We can stand together." " It's too late." " Mars stands alone!" " We are strong." " Soon, all my warriors will wake." " We do not require assistance!" " Your Majesty!" " Oh, Your Majesty!" " I wouldn't do that if I were you." " MACHINERY CLANKS" "Stand down." " Or I'll fire." " Fire at what?" " Well, geography was never my strong suit, but aren't we underneath Mars's north pole?" " Over our heads, millions of tonnes of snow and ice." " One good blast from the Gargantua here and your army would be on ice forever." " Trapped in an eternal winter like..." "..like Frozen!" " It's a movie." " You would destroy yourself at the same time!" " That's a price worth paying, isn't it?" " It's a simple choice, Iraxxa, the oldest one in the book." " We must live together." " Or die together." " You dare to touch me?" " Yes, my dear." " I do." " Don't do this, Captain!" " Don't mess this up." " No choice, old boy." " You see, I suddenly remembered I need a bit of a hand getting that ruddy ship off the ground." " And who better to ask than the Ice Queen herself?" " Call off your dogs, Your Majesty." " Call them off!" " That's better." " Course, I will have to dynamite the lifts to stop you following, but..." "Well, war is hell, what?" " If you want to escape, I can help." " Just leave Iraxxa with her people." " Don't mess this up." " Thank you, Doctor." " But, um..." "I think I prefer my plan." " Gentlemen!" " It's been a privilege - however brief - to command you." " But all good things come to an end." " I think you'll find, Captain... ..that I am in command here." " GUNSHOT" "HE GASPS" "You sacrificed one of your own without tactical advantage...?" " No, I didn't sacrifice him." " I executed him." " Do you now expect your life to be spared?" " No, no, no!" " I expect it to be taken." " And I give it willingly." " No." " No, wait, stop this!" " Doctor, stop him!" " Shh!" " Some time ago, I was hanged for cowardice." " The execution took longer than expected and I fear I have not used my time well." " I should be happy for you to complete the work they failed to do so long ago." " It will be a pleasure." "  No, please, don't do this." "  Bill, quiet!" " He saved your life!" " Your Majesty, I have a request, if that may be permitted." " Speak!" " That man was not one of us." " Please, do not judge mankind by his cruelty or indeed by my cowardice." " Spare my friends and my world." " Your request does you credit, soldier." " It will be considered." " God save the Queen." " God save the Queen!" " You will die with honour, with bravery, and in the service of those you have sworn to protect..." "Thank you." " You don't know what that means." " Thank you... ..but not today." " In battle, soldier." " To die in battle is the way of the warrior." " Pledge your allegiance to me and my world, and I will ensure you have the opportunity." " My life and my service are yours." " To the end." " To the death, my friend, to the death." "  You knew that would happen." "  Always been my problem." " What?" " Thinking like a warrior." " There we are." " I've sent out a sort of round-robin e-mail." " All being well, the first intelligent, space-going system will be in touch fairly soon." " Thank you, Doctor." " Mars is dead, but the Ice Warriors will live on." "  Will they make it?" "  Oh, yes." " In fact, this might be the beginning of the Martian Golden Age." "' Are you receiving us?" " Mars, are you receiving?" "'" " This is Iraxxa, Queen Empress of Mars." "' Ah, excellent!" " We have received details of your situation." "' We would be happy to send a fleet to your aid at once." "' A physical marker of some sort 'would be appreciated to guide our ships.'" " To whom am I speaking?" "' This is Alpha Centauri." "' Welcome to the universe!" "'" " Big enough?" " For the ship to see?" " I think so." " You going to be OK?" " Well, that's twice I've been executed." " Whatever happens now, it's got to be better than I expected." " There's nothing for me back on Earth." " And to help forge a new world, well, that will be my privilege." " HE SIGHS" "It seems a shame, though..." "What does?" " Well, no-one back on Earth will ever know that we got here." " All will be forgotten." " Oh, not quite forgotten, Colonel." " You've changed the mind-set of a very stubborn Martian monarch." " And one day, even though the ice cap may obscure it... ..someone's going to notice THAT." " So, what did I miss?" " Where have you been?" "!" " Yeah, before you go getting all frowny, er..." "Well, er..." "Are you all right?" " This can't happen." " This is not what we agreed to." " I'm going to have to put you back in the Vault." " You know that." " Sure, that's fine." " What?" " But, Doctor." " Please tell me, really." " Are you all right?" " Synchronized by srjanapala" "The Ninth Legion and the Keeper Of The Gate." "  They disappeared." "  Except they didn't." " Where is my friend and what destroyed the Roman army?" " Something here managed to wipe out 5,000 Romans." " Every hour of sunlight that feeds it, makes the world darker and the beast stronger."