"♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪" "♪ My back is gettin' tight" "♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪" "♪ On the Queensboro Bridge tonight ♪" "♪ But I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do ♪" "♪ Is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪" "♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life ♪" "♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪" "[Sports Event Playing On Television]" "Carrie:" "Well, OK, great." " So" "So, that price for my dad's cruise includes everything, right?" " I mean, all shows?" " What about gratuities?" " Because the man does not tip." " I'd hate to see Gopher and Isaac get stiffed, you know what I'm sayin'?" "[ Laughs]" "Yeah, I guess you would hear those kinda jokes a lot." " OK, well, thanks." " Alrighty, bye-bye." " Who is the luckiest father in the world?" " Phew." " I'm gonna go with the Osmond dad." " No, I was talkin' about my dad." " I am getting him a cruise to Bermuda for Christmas!" " Oh, wow, what a generous gift!" " He's gonna love that!" " I know." " I usually get him a robe or one of those old man caps he likes, but I thought, you know, why not dig into my pocket this year and do something special?" " Aw, I'd love to give my dad something like this." " Course, I'd have to find him first. [ Chuckles]" "[Sighs Heavily]" "Anyway, Holl, uh, we're gonna be, uh, doin' a little thing here for Christmas on Saturday." " Deacon's comin' by with the kids." " If you're free." " Really?" " Yeah." " Oh, my God, I'd love to!" " Thank you, Carrie!" " Oh, no problem." " Anything special you like?" " Just a bucket of eggnog and a ride home." "[ Crowd Cheers On Television]" "Damn." " What?" " I screwed up." " I ate all the franks." " Now all I have left is a crappy bowl of beans." " Yeah." " It's like Raisin Bran after you finish all the raisins." " Right." " That's exactly what it's like." "[ Knock On Door] Come in!" " Hey, guys!" " Both:" "Hey, Spence." " Look what I got." " What the hell is that?" " Hello?" " You don't remember that from when we were kids?" " That's a vintage Joe Rogers action figure, circa 1975." " OK, this isn't an action figure." " It's a doll." " Yeah, the only action that guy's gettin' is with Ken." "[ All Laugh]" "Yeah, you guys laugh it up, but this happens to be a collectors' item, cost me 70 bucks on eBay." " You paid 70 bucks just for that?" " Uh, and 6 outfits?" " That's crazy, man." " I tell ya, the only old toy I'd shell out any cash for is Mentalo." " You remember Mentalo?" " Oh, yeah, that's the dude with the big head with the turban that told your future." " It was like, uh" "[As Mentalo] My sources from beyond the grave say...proceed!" "[ Laughs] Yeah!" " That's it!" " That's the one, man." " I loved that toy." " You know what?" " I might try and track one of those down." " Mentalo was a weak-ass toy, man." "" Weak-ass"?" " Are you on pot?" " It was nothing but a glorified magic 8-ball." " Magic 8-ball?" " Ohh-ohh!" "" Try again later."" " Phht!" "[ Knock On Door]" "Hey, Arthur, ready for our walk?" " Just wrapping' a gift." " I'll be right with you." " Chopsticks." " Who are those for?" " Look at the initials." "" C.H."" "For "Carrie Heffernan."" " Wow, you had them monogrammed?" " No, the owner of the Cantonese Hut had them monogrammed." " 2 lunches a week, a coat with ample sleeves, and, voilà, here comes Santy Claus!" " So, that's all you're gonna get Carrie?" " Some chopsticks?" " Some chopsticks?" " I'm gettin' her a gross of them!" " She can eat like Charlie Chan till she's 100." " Arthur, are--are you sure that's a nice enough gift?" " Trust me, it's fine." " She'll probably just get me another old man cap." " I don't know how many more of those" "I can "accidentally" leave on the bus." " Trust me, Arthur," "I think you're gonna wanna get her something a little bit nicer this year." " Why?" " Do you know what she's gettin' me?" " Me?" " No!" "[ Laughs] How would I know?" " You're silly." " Spill it, or I'll tell people you beat me." " I don't beat you!" " My word against yours, and I can bruise myself up pretty easy." " I'm like a ripe banana." " All right, fine, fine." " She's getting you a cruise to Bermuda." " A cruise to Bermuda!" " What a thoughtful and generous gift!" " Damn her!" " Now I'll have to get her a nice gift, too." " What do you think she wants?" " Oh, I--I don't know." " Then you're gonna have to find out." " Oh, no, no!" " I--I don't wanna do that." " You don't, and so help me," "I'll knock myself into next week!" " Hey." " I just got off the phone with the travel agent." " About my dad's cruise." " Guess what her name is." " I don't know." " Gertrude!" " And she sounded younger than us!" " Isn't that weird?" " Uh-huh." " What are you doin'?" " I'm bidding on a mint-condition Mentalo, and I'm 30 seconds away from reeling' him in." " Oh, crap." " Someone's tryin' to outbid me!" " Back off, Rosiefan19!" " Wait a minute." " You're bidding 180 bucks?" " Are you insane?" " Stop it." " Stop it." " Knock it off." " No, you knock it off." " Sto--Get off!" " Get off, woman!" "[ Computer Beeps] Nice!" " That was the only Mentalo on eBay!" " Doug, you can't spend $180 on a stupid toy." " Oh, yeah?" " Just last week, you put twice that much into some I.R.A. that we can't even touch." " And, needless to say, can't tell our future!" " Will you stop?" " Come on, we're already spending way too much this Christmas." " My dad's cruise alone is costing over 600 bucks." " Well, why are you gettin' him that stupid cruise, anyway?" " Why don't you just get him another old man cap?" " He told me he left the last one on the bus." " I'm getting him the cruise." " Why are you so obsessed with this toy, anyway?" " I don't know." " It just--I..." "I guess it reminds me of a simpler time in my life, you know?" " A time when I didn't have to worry about payin' bills or goin' after that big promotion." " OK, you've never done either of those." " But I know I should, and it's very stressful, OK?" " You just don't know what Mentalo meant to me." " Woman:" "Dougie, come on down!" " Pa's takin' you fishin' down at the crick." " Coming!" " Mentalo, are we gonna hook any catfish today?" " The spirit world tells me... yes." " Hot dog!" "" The crick"?" " Yeah, the crick." " OK, where was there a crick in Queens?" " All right, take it easy, OK?" " I'm just makin' a point." " And that point is, I loved Mentalo." " He made me happy." " And if my sister hadn't have smashed him after I made fun of her for gettin' her period, he'd be makin' me happy to this day." "[ Speaking Quietly]" "Hey!" " Hey, Holl." " Wrappin' gifts." " Hey, you're a wrapper." "[ Laughs]" "Right." " If you were wrapping those gifts and then you slapped me around a little bit, you'd be a gangsta wrapper." " You know?" "[ Laughs]" "♪ Boom, boom, shh, boom, boom ♪" "♪ Wickie, wickie, wickie, wickie, wick ♪" "I'm sorry, did I forget to pay you, or..." "No!" " No." " I--I need your help with something." " I have to buy, um, a gift, uh, for my cousin." " And I wanna get her something really nice." " Um, do you have any suggestions?" " Well, what kinds of things does she like?" " What do you like?" " Me?" " Yeah." " I mean, you guys have, like, the exact same taste." " I mean, you guys were practically separated at birth, you know?" " I mean, not surgically, more like as if one of you was, like, stolen." " Get a little head start on that eggnog there, Holl?" " No, I guess I'm just kinda freaked out 'cause I really need to get this gift." " I mean, do you have any ideas?" " I mean, remember, nice." " OK, nice." " Um..." "Oh!" " Well, I saw this gorgeous burgundy leather jacket at Wilsons." " That's great!" " Great!" " What--What size?" " How would I know?" " Well, what size are you?" " And then I'll just add one." " She's got a little junk in the trunk, if you know what I mean. [ Laughs]" "Well, I'm a-- I'm a size 2." " I" "That's perfect!" " That's great." " That's great." " Thanks!" " Oh, my God." "" Oh, my God" what?" " I just realized what Holly was doing." " I think Holly's gonna get me a really expensive leather jacket for Christmas." " Why?" " Well, I guess she was really touched that I invited her over here to celebrate with us." " Crap!" " How's it gonna look when she hands me a leather jacket and I hand her a Lady Gillette gift pack?" " Like you're a penny-pinchin' ho." " Ohh!" " Now I have to get her something nice!" " Man, between that and my father's cruise, there's no way I can afford all this." " What am I gonna do?" " Hmm." " If we only had some kind of device to help us see the future." " Oh, well." "[ Sighs] OK." " Well, now I understand why you like these toy fairs." " You're like the James Dean of this crowd." " Do you want a Mentalo or not?" " Damn right I do." " I'm sick of Carrie pushing' me around." " First it's "Eat one vegetable a week."  Now this." " Well, my friend Kenny says he's got one, so let's go check it out." " Hey, Kenny!" " Hu-bey, Spu-bence!" " Bu-be ru-bight wu-bith you-bou." " Cool." " So, why does he, uh..." "Why is he talkin' like that?" " Kenny likes to speak Ubbi Dubbi." " What?" " Ubbi Dubbi." " The language from the old Zoom show?" " Ubbi Dubbi!" " Get with it." " Yeah, I'm the loser." " OK." " Su-bo..." "Oh." " Uh, this is my friend Doug." " He's lookin' for the Mentalo." "[ Sighs] U-bi ju-bust su-bold u-bit." " What?" " What?" " What did he say?" " He said he just sold it!" " What?" " Wha--Kenny, what happened?" " Wu-bell, thu-be thu-bing" "Talk English, man!" " The thing is, some guy made a really good offer." " Was it Rory?" " That bastard." " No, it wasn't one of the regulars." " It was some--some tall black guy with a beard." " Actually, he was wearing an I.P.S. cap just like his." " Deacon?" " Hang on." " Was it... this guy?" " You have a picture of Deacon in your wallet?" " Don't worry." " You're in there, too." " Yup, that's him." " Just bought it, like, half an hour ago." " Sorry." " He called Mentalo weak-ass!" " Why the hell would he buy it?" " Maybe he bought it for you." " What?" " For Christmas." " No, we said we weren't gettin' each other gifts." " Although, you know what, maybe since we invited him over for Christmas, he decided to get me one after all." " There ya go." " Ohh." " God." " That is the Deac-man for ya." " Mm-hmm." " Well, you know what?" " I'm gonna get him a gift." " I'm gonna get him a great one, too." " Uh, how 'bout a Bionic Woman cocktail set?" " How 'bout you take my picture out of your wallet?" " Hi, Gertrude?" " Carrie Heffernan." " Listen, about my dad's cruise, turns out the package I selected is a little pricey for me right now." " Are there any cheaper options?" " OK, any way we can knock the price even lower than that?" " Oh, I don't know, maybe he could, uh, bunk with the crew or clean up after the magician?" " Uh, excuse me, Gert, but I am a good daughter, OK?" " Just turns out that I had some other gift obligations arise, and I just can't afford it right now." " Besides, it's not like he's buying me anything so great." " $198.50... 60... 1, 2, 3." " There you go." " Well, some lucky lady's going to be having a merry Christmas this year." " Ah, shut up." "[ Knock On Door]" "Deacon:" "Coming." " Hey!" " Merry Christmas eve day!" " Same to you." " I love you, man." " Bring it in." " Bring it in, man." " Bring it in!" " OK, player, let's end this while it's still good." " Right." " So, uh, what brings you by?" " Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, just pickin' up a couple things at Target." " Or, as I like to call it," "Tar-"get me one of everything in here," right?" " 'Cause they got" " They got everything there, right?" " Oh, yeah." " Just out of curiosity, what's, like, your favorite thing in the whole place?" " I don't know." " Oh, oh." " They just got this new plasma TV." " 50 inches!" " That sucker's crazy!" " Plasma TV, huh?" " Uh-huh." " What's your second-favorite thing?" " I guess either the titanium golf clubs or the Jet Ski." " What's your favorite thing near the cash register?" " Wait... you're not thinking about gettin' me something, are you?" " 'Cause we said no Christmas gifts." " Ri-i-ght..." "Seriously, man, 'cause I didn't get you anything." " Ri-i-ght..." "All right, why do you keep saying "ri-i-ght"?" " 'Cause I know you got me something." " But I didn't." " Ri-i-ght..." "Would you stop that?" " You really didn't?" " No." " Then where is it?" " Where's what?" " The Mentalo you bought from the Ubbi Dubbi dude!" " You're trippin'!" " Yeah." " The only thing I'm trippin' over is your dirty lies!" " You know, this is very insulting." " In the bedroom!" " That's even more insulting." " You're--You're wasting your time!" " Oh, am I?" " Ha ha ha!" " Huh." " That's weird." " I can't believe you, man!" " OK, so I bought Mentalo." " Big deal." " I didn't do anything wrong." " Oh, please." " You heard me say I wanted to get one!" " Oh, so because you said the word "Mentalo" out loud, you deserve it more than I do?" " Yeah!" " Well, too bad." " It's mine!" " Well, why do you want it, anyway?" " You said it was a weak-ass toy!" " 'Cause I was hurtin', man." " I've been wanting this toy since I was 12 years old." " Damn!" "[ Shop Bell Rings]" "Do you like your new toy, Winthrop?" " I suppose it's all right, Mummy." " Just all right?" " What I really wanted was a pony." " Boy's Mother:" "Oh." " Very well." " Anderson, to the stables, please." " Thank you ever so much, Mummy!" " Oh, damn!" "" Thank you ever so much, Mummy"?" " OK, so maybe I embellished a little." " The point is, Mentalo was something that kids with money could buy, something a kid from the streets could never have." " The streets?" " Your father was a dentist." " Yeah, but he wouldn't buy me a Mentalo." " It wasn't "educational" enough." " But I always wanted one, and now I finally have it." " And as my best friend, you should understand how important this is to me." " But you know what?" " If this toy means more to you than our friendship, then fine." " Go ahead." " Take it." " Mentalo, should I start working out more?" " The voices from beyond the grave say... no." " You've done it again, my turbaned friend." " Oh, look, Mentalo." " There's the mean lady who didn't want us to be together." " Wait a second." " You--You got a Mentalo?" " That's right, and I'm keeping it, so step away." " So, let me get this straight, even after I told you not to, you went out and bought it anyway?" " No, Deacon did, and I took his." " Oh, God." " Well, you gotta give it back." " Get outta here!" " Doug, trust me, you wanna give it back to him." " I don't trust you, and I'm not giving it back to him." " I am telling you, give it back!" " And I'm telling you, no!" " Do it!" " No!" " Doug!" " Why do you even care?" " Because I bought you one, you idiot!" " You did?" " Yes!" " Yeah, for Christmas." " Your stupid crick story actually got to me, so I found one way up in Nyack." " So, between that and the gold earrings that I had to buy for Holly, it's costing me a fortune." " That's why I had to cancel my dad's cruise." " Well, why didn't you tell me you got me a Mentalo?" " It was a Christmas gift." " I feel horrible." " All I got you was a Far Side calendar." " Well, that's OK, because I am getting a leather jacket from Holly." " So you're gonna give it back to Deacon?" " I will." " I will." " I..." "I'll just give it to him tomorrow when he comes over for Christmas like I'm being the bigger man." " And then I'll act all surprised when I get my Mentalo." " That's a good idea, right?" " Mm-hmm." " I wasn't asking you." " The spirits say... proceed." " Uh-huh." "[ Laughing] Oh, I get it." " I get it." "" Remove funny bone."" " Right there." "[ Buzzes] Aah!" " All right, enough of the holiday yakety-yak." " Let's get down to the real reason we're here" "Wrapped merchandise." " Deacon, this one's for you, and it looks like from..." "Doug." " Well, what do you know?" " Here you go, bud." " No, thanks." " Come on." " My sources from beyond the grave say... you'll like it." " You mean it's..." "Batteries included." " Thanks, man." " Well, it is yours, and I did steal it from you." " Ah, bring it in." " All right, guys, save it for under the mistletoe." " All right, Holly." " Here you go." " This is for you." " Merry Christmas." " Carrie, you didn't need to get me anything." " Ohh, I think I did." "[ Gasps] Oh, my God!" " Oh, my God!" " It's gold earrings!" " Oh, my God!" " This is the best gift I've ever gotten!" " Hope you like it." " Ohh!" " I do!" " Gosh, I'm kind of embarrassed about my gift to you, though." " Oh, please, I'm sure whatever it is," "I'm sure I'll be delighted." " This is it?" " Yeah." " OK." " Is it folded?" " A lot?" " Silly, open it up!" " OK." " A mug?" " Yeah, I painted it at Color Me Mine." " It's for your hot cocoa." " Look, it says "Merry Swiss-mis."" "" Swiss-mis."  I-- Yeah!" " I get it." " That's gr-great." " Well, thank you." " All right, sweetheart, our turn to swap." " Here you go." " OK..." "Thank you." " And here you go." " Ohh, what a lovely box." " I have a feeling my ship has come in." "[ Chuckles]" "Wait a minute." " You bought me the leather jacket?" " Another old man cap?" " Where's my cruise?" " How'd you know about the cruise?" " She told me!" " He said he was gonna punch himself!" " I can't believe this." " I get a stupid cap, and this stranger gets a pair of beautiful gold earrings!" " Hey!" " I had to get her the gold earrings!" " I thought she was buying me a leather jacket!" " Plus I had to get Doug his freakin' Mentalo." " Hey!" " This is Mental Man!" " It's the same thing." " Mental Man is the cheap knockoff!" " What's the difference?" " Fez... turban!" " Wake up, woman!" " Who cares about that crap?" " I'm supposed to go to Bermuda!" " I already got my shots!" " All right, butt out, Arthur, OK?" " Doug, leave him alone!" " Hey, calm down." " Yeah, that's easy for you to say." " You got Mentalo." " Look, Mental Man's pretty good, too." " Then trade with me." " Oh, I don't want no knockoff." " Well, what's the difference?" " Your parents didn't love you enough to buy you either one!" " Shut up, man!" " Give me the Mentalo!" " Get away from me!" " Give me the Mentalo!" " Leave me alone!" " Stop that!" " So?" " What are we doing about my problem?" " Dad, I can't afford to send you on the cruise right now." " I'll send you for your birthday, OK?" " Fine!" " You can have this back when I set sail!" " Oh, don't be ridiculous!" " That cap I got you is great!" " Arthur:" "I can't stand those caps!" " Carrie:" "Oh, that's... ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪" "♪ And a happy New Year" "♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪" "♪ And a happy New Year" "Richard Nixon:" "So I guess that's the question." " Should I do it?" " Should I guarantee myself an unconditional pardon, resign the presidency of the United States?" "[ Sound Of Pulling Cord]" "Mentalo:" "My sources from beyond the grave say...proceed." "[ Nixon Sighs]" "Rosemary, get me Ron Ziegler." " I need to arrange a press conference."