"God bless everybody." " Apples!" " Help an old lady." " Buy an apple." " Bless you, mister." " A nickel." " Thank you, Mr. Rockefeller!" " You lousy cheapskate." " Apples!" " Apples!" " Tallulah!" " Tallulah, good luck tonight!" " Apples!" " Apples, madam?" " Buy an apple?" " An apple, madam?" " Apples?" " Apples?" " Apples?" " Apples..." "Apples..." "Apples..." "Apples..." "Apples..." "Apples..." "Apples..." "Apples..." " Where'd you pick him up?" "  He's the new fella." "  Working the subway, huh?" "  He didn't pay you yet, did he?" " I gave you five bucks last month." " Five bucks every month if you work Broadway, buster." " Hey, that's seven." " Two of that's mine." " Yeah, Soho." " A nice long letter." "  Did it come today?" "  Yeah." " I'll pass it around." " Now get going over to the Casino." " There's a matinee." " New joke?" "( cackles)" "(car hoots)" " Hi, Smiley." "  Hi, Annie." " Been looking for you." " Dave the Dude wants to see you at Rudy Martin's." "  I ain't paid this month." " I'm a little short." "  Sure you are." " Comes Christmas time, what you beg you put in the Santa Claus box." "  I know." " I'm a sucker." "  You are." "  Any mail?" "  Yeah." " Over at the Casino." " Don't forget the Dude." "  Thanks, Annie." "  Aw, shut up." " Dude sent word he wants me." " On top of everything else, this one shows up." " All right." " You got 14 fifths of Scotch..." "Just sit down, Annie." " Five of the bourbon..." "You know, Joy Boy, this morning was the first time I ever been to a funeral." "  Do you believe there's a life after?" "  Five of the gin and..." "Why are you sittin' there like a dummy?" " Why don't you write it down?" " If I could write I'd be in the navy." " Where's the Dude?" " What is it with you?" " You can't wait 12 seconds?" " You got an appointment at the beauty parlour with that mop?" " Here, give me that." " I'll write, you count." "  If I could count I'd be in the army." " ( both laugh)" "Why don't you laugh?" " It's funny." " If I could laugh I wouldn't have heartburn." "( explosion)" "Wanna know why Rudy Martin was found in the river?" " There it is." " 50 G's worth of I.O. Thems to the gambling boys." " Hello, Annie." " There's a note. " Thanks for everything." " Take care of my baby Queenie."" "  What's "baby Queenie"?" "  Maybe he left you a horse." "  There's a Queenie running at Hialeah." "  That's right." " Hey, Powder!" "  Thanks a lot." " You did a good job in there." "  For you, Dude, any time, boy." " Annie, is that the biggest apple you got?" " I need a triple shot of luck today." " This apple'll make the birds sing for you again." " I tell you, kid, you get another sucker like my boss, you can retire altogether." " This could only happen to a smart guy like you." " There's a man who owns a joint, gets knocked off owing you $20,000." " And on top of that, you get stuck for the funeral bill." " Go figure that." " Fine thing you did, giving a poor soul a Christian burial." " Here's luck for you." " Something good's gonna happen to you now." " Something real good." "( Joy Boy) Yeah." " You could break a leg." " You give up panhandling, I'll give up bootlegging, and you and me will run this speak together." " Could be a gold mine, Annie." " No, I'm not kidding, Annie." " Come on, let's see your gams." "  Oh, boy." " Whoopee!" "  How about that, huh?" "  Hello, suckers!" "  You old chiselling moocher." "  Here." " Here's a fiver for your apple." "  God bless you, Dude." " Annie, will you tell me, why do I always believe that your apples bring me luck?" " Can you tell me?" " Because the little people like you." "  What little people?" "  Oh, you can't see 'em." " They live in dreams." " Little people like me, huh?" " Why?" " Because they like children, beggars and poets." " And that makes me a poet?" " You want to believe in something." " Right now it's my apple." " So, the little people jump in it, see?" " That's why this apple will bring you luck." " Why, you old con dame." " Here's the only thing you believe in." "  There you go, Annie." "  God bless you, Dude." " God bless you." "  And bring you luck straightaway." "  All right." " Hey, Annie!" " You stay away from those gin bottles." " You hear me?" "  I never touch it." "  Yeah, sure." "  Are you Mr. Dave the Dude?" "  I am." " Don't drip on my suit." " What is this?" " Grand Central?" " Junior, close that door." " There's liquor in here." " You lookin' for a job in the chorus, kid?" " The joint's closed, so try someplace else." "  And lock it!" "  I read this in a Maryland paper." "" Rudy Martin, gangland victim, was buried today."" "" Dave the Dude arranged his funeral."" "  Maryland?" " Old Rudy really got around." "  I beg your pardon?" " If you got money comin' to you, the Dude is not pickin' up the tab for Rudy's bills." "  Now be a nice girl." " Take a walk." " Bye." "  Rudy Martin was my father." " You're Rudy's kid?" "  You're Queenie?" "  Yeah." " Well, that's what Papa called me." " Hey!" " She ain't a horse!" "  Why didn't you show at the funeral?" "  I just read about it." "  You ain't pulling a fast one on me?" "  Mr. Dude, I'm here because of you." " Papa came to see me last month and he was very worried." " He said "Queenie, if anything happens to me, here's the lease to my club."" "" Give it to Dave the Dude." " He's a right guy and I've got to pay him back."" " So here it is." " It's all signed and everything." " That's very nice, but the joint's in hock up to here." " The inventory won't pay for the flowers, so the lease is worth about a quarter." " Miss Martin, "Papa" owes me $20,000, and a lot more to some guys who don't laugh so easy." "  That much?" "  That much." " Well, I've got a few dollars in the bank." " What I make at the cafeteria, I could manage five dollars a week." "  A cafeteria?" "  I'm cashier there." " The next one Howard... uh, Mr. Porter opens, I'm gonna be manager." " Then I could give you a little more." "  It's five whole dollars." "  The lucky apple is working already." "  Very big." "  It's the best I can do." " Goodbye, Mr. Dude." " Thank you for being Papa's friend." " Yeah." " I mean..." "That's the first broad I ever seen who wanted to do something for you." " You know, maybe..." " Miss?" "  Hey, Dude!" " No!" " Come here!" " You know, at $5 a week it'll take you 200 years to pay off your father's debt." "  I don't care if it takes a thousand years." "  Take it easy." " I got an idea." "( Joy Boy) For my boss it was the lucky apple that brought Queenie into his life." " Go figure - he's got a thing about Annie's apples." " So the Dude shoots the bankroll and promotes Queenie into a nightclub star." " Much to my surprise she ain't too bad." " And you know what?" " The club begins to make money." " And Queenie begins to pay off her papa's debts." " Go figure that one." " By the second year, the club is a sensation." "( applause)" "We're in the big dough." " Step back." " The elevator's coming up." " We're gettin' so big, the opposition begins playing' games with us." " The Dude kisses the old apple, but I know better." " I kiss the iron doors." "( party horns)" "But it was too good to last." " Suddenly the law pulls the rug out from under us bootleggers." "  Another dollar?" "  Stop squawking', stop squawking'." " I only raised you one buck." " Tonight you can afford it." " Liquor's legal." " The whole town's on a binge." " Ooh!" " All right, you wonderful bunch of ex-lawbreakers." " This is the last night, the last song, and the last bottle's on the house!" " Hurray!" " Does that mean we'll be playin', Dude?" "  You are a genius." " You are a genius!" "  I know." " Now tell me what happened." "  The big man is here." "  I told you so, huh?" "  And he's waitin' for you." "  Let him wait." "  What man?" "  I told you to find Apple Annie." " I spread the word with the BBC - Beggars' Broadcast..." " Move it!" "  Yes, sir." " What are you gonna do?" " Wait around for some apple?" " What's the matter with you?" " Listen, Dave." " The big man don't wait easy." " He could get very nasty." "  He could put on them dark cheaters." "  I'm not leaving here until I get my apple." " All right." " OK." " I'll go look in a few gutters myself." " Herbie!" " Shh!" "  Did you get it?" "  Don't I always?" "  Classiest stationery in the house." "  God bless you, Herbie." " A blind man could read that." "" Hotel Marberry."" "  Give it to me." "  When are you expecting another letter?" " The mail boat comes in tomorrow." " You know, I could get fired for stealing your letters." " Herbie, you mustn't get fired." " Please don't get fired." " Who keeps writing you from Spain, anyway?" " None of your business." " A heavy lover, eh, Annie?" " Yeah." " King Alfonso." " But keep it quiet." " The queen gets very jealous." "( both guffaw)" "(knocking)" "Well!" " It's been two years I've been waiting for one like that." " Come here, you." " Oh, Queenie." "( both) Mmm..." " (muffled) Dude..." " Mmm?" " What?" " The doorknob's killing me." " The doorknob, huh?" " You gorgeous stack of cupcakes." " Come here." "  Now, Dude..." " Come on now, Queenie." " You started this." " I was trying to thank you for everything." " That's the way to kill a man, not thank him." " Come here." "  What's this?" " A party?" "  It's the Fourth of July." "  In December?" "  It's freedom day for both of us." "  You're through selling liquor." "  Now it's legal, it's no fun." "  I sold the club today." "  You did?" " Did you bring 'em?" " Papa's IOUs?" " I brought 'em." " There you are." " The last of Papa's debts." " Now we put them in the Easter fire and we burn the past." "  Now you can make it Christmas, Dude." "  Happy New Year." " How?" " By saying you meant it when you asked me to marry you." " Honey, I'll marry you." " I'll fight Dempsey, kiss a cop, anything." " Let's get started." " Two years is a long wait." " Saturday, darling.  10 am Saturday we get married." " It's all set." " You're kidding." " Really married?" " Us?" " The real us." " No more Dude and no more Queenie." " To David and Elizabeth." " Mr. and Mrs. Conway of Silver Springs, Maryland, and their flock of children." "  Maryland?" "  Yeah." " You know the house I was born in?" " I bought it for us a year ago." "  You keep a secret real good." "  Honey, I want to be married there, in Mama's wedding dress by the preacher who married them." " Maybe I should go out and get my violin." "( hums "Here Comes the Bride")" "It's sappy, I know." " But let me be sappy." " I'm sick of being Queenie Martin." " Reverend Morgan's still down there." " He's 81 years old and he's still conducting Sunday services." " Dude, when I located him on the phone, he cried." " Can you imagine?" " I cried too." " It was the wettest long-distance call..." "Are you crying?" " I've never seen you cry." " When I'm happy - when I'm really happy" " I'm a Niagara." " OK, Elizabeth." " To us." " To the wedding in your mother's wedding dress... by the 81-year-old preacher." "  Oh, Dude, Niagara's coming!" "  Watch it." " This stuff burns holes, baby." "  I'm sorry." "  That's all right." " Oh, Queenie..." "Dude, Annie's here." " Let's go." "  Annie?" "  I'll be right out!" " What do you need an apple for?" " What more luck do we need?" " You just gave me a wedding present - the place in Maryland." " I'm gonna give you one." " An all-year house on a silver platter." "  The whole city of New York." "  I don't want New York." " I want a little town in Maryland where I can play the wife-and-mother bit." " You can shake this." " You didn't want it in the first place." "  But I'm a man who needs a little action." "  Action?" "  Prohibition's over." " ( knocking)" "Hey, Dude, the man is waitin'." "  All right, all right." "  What man?" " Who are you seeing tonight?" " I'm making a meet with our future, sweetheart." " Mr. Big himself." "  Not Darcey?" "  You're right." " Darcey." " Dude, no." " You're not going to Chicago?" " No." " The mountain is coming to the Dude." " I'm not going to Chicago." " Darcey in New York?" " The police said they'd never let him in." " They didn't let him in." " I did." " Please, not Darcey." " He's an animal." " He's a murderer." " He's Public Enemy No.  1." "  It's all headlines." "  Dude, will you move it?" " Let's go." " Your car's outside." " We can be in Maryland by morning." " We can make it legal." " If you love me, don't depend on some witch's apples." "  Let's get away." " We'll be real people." "  Simmer down, sweetheart." " Come on." " We go out into the sticks, what kind of work am I gonna do?" " You're young." " You can make a name, money..." "What's money?" " I started at the bottom in this town and I'm going right up to the top." " I can outsmart those monkeys." " I've been doing it all my life." " Ever since I escaped from that orphanage." " And why?" " Because I'm good and because I'm lucky." " I'm gonna be somebody, and you're gonna be somebody with me." " ( knocking)" " I'm coming." " Dude, if you shack up with Darcey you can forget the wedding." " Isn't she gorgeous?" "  Heads." "  Oh...!" "  What's grabbin' her?" "  It's nothing." " She just wants a lot of kids." " Kids?" " Boy, they're mean when they get on that kick." " Annie, where you been?" " Playing Chase Me Charlie?" " And where were you Saturday?" " I couldn't beat a race." " God bless you, Dude." " I wasn't feelin' so hot Saturday." "  Ginned up again?" "  No, Dude." " Honest, I'm off the stuff." " About time." " Dr Michel says your kidneys are shot." " Aw, pooh." " My kidneys are as good as new - better." " You think we could postpone this discussion of Annie's kidneys?" " Lots of luck, Dude." " Save a lot of trouble if you bought the whole basket at once." " I gotta buy these apples one at a time just before I need 'em." " We were both bums until we found that out." " Let's go." " Pick-up point, the warehouse." " God bless Dave the Dude." " God bless all my friends." "( horn)" "That's the boss." "  Dude's here." " Set?" "  Set." "  He's got his dark cheaters on, boss." "  Uh-oh." " You're late." " Late for what?" " Late for what?" " For 48 hours I've been knocking around in this cage all the way from Chicago." " I'm seasick." " Don't any of you guys ever inhale?" " Like being in solitary, only it moves." " Fine thing, some two-bit operator sends for me in his upholstered boxcar and first thing you know, I'm being hauled all over the country like a side of beef." "  This your layout?" "  Yeah." " I built it." " See these walls?" " Bulletproof." " In town it's neutral territory, even when there's a war on." " I call it Little Switzerland." " What do the cops call it?" " They find me in this town, you can stop the presses." " There's ten vans just like this hauling real furniture around." " Here you're safe." " That picture's ten years old." " Relax, Darcey." " Take it easy." " Be my guest." " Your guest?" " Ever occur to you that I could also be your prisoner?" " Ever think of that?" " Yeah, I gave it a quick think." " Maybe you'd better give a long think to a guy by the name of Stiff Arm Sam." " He once thought he could hold me too." " Stiff Arm?" " The guy that walks around like this?" " Yeah, with the blowtorch in the armpits." " That's right." " That's my idea, the blowtorch." " It must've hurt." " It's against the law to carry firearms in New York, Darcey." " Right, Joy Boy?" " That's right." " Here in New York you gotta have a permit." "  Nothin', boss." "  Yeah." " It's beginnin' to figure." " They tell me you've been operatin' ten years in this town without a pinch." " Yeah." " Luck, Mr. Darcey." " Pure luck." " I heard about the luck bit." " The thing with the lucky apples." " The wise guys figure that's two strikes against you." "  Oh?" "  Yeah." " They say you gotta buy them lucky apples off of some little old lady, right?" " And if something happens to her..." "Could be like Samson gettin' his first haircut." " Look, Darcey." " I got news for you." " You see these apples?" " I buy 'em by the crate at the nearest grocery store." " The wise guys want to believe these apples bring me luck, it's two strikes against them." " You know about psychology, huh?" " Yeah, I know about..." "whatever you call it." " It's like your dark glasses." " You put those on, the boys sweat from here to Omaha." " Me?" " I use apples." " All right." " Shall we quit clowning?" "( both chuckle)" "I like the way this kid operates, yeah." " Smart boy." " Smart dresser, too." "  You like that?" "  Oh, yeah." " It's rich." "  He likes it." "  Mind if I try that on?" " No." " Why not?" " Give him a hand, Junior." " Hold it, Junior." " They say you're a smart operator." " Gotta give you credit." " You won the first round." " This is round two comin' up now." "  How does it look?" "  Great." " Nice colour, huh?" " Round two." " I got maybe eight, ten top candidates for this job." " All smart, tough, hard-headed guys, and I can take my pick of any one of 'em." " Now suppose you tell me, in ten words or less, like a telegram, why should Steve Darcey give the New York territory to Dave the Dude?" " Go ahead, talk." "  That's a good question." " Right, Joy Boy?" "  Beautiful." "  Got an answer?" "  No." "  Got a question?" "  Yeah." " Ask it - in ten words, like a telegram." " Why should Dave the Dude give New York territory to Darcey?" " That's eleven, but..." " Are you his mouthpiece?" "  Call me his doormat." " Why don't you lay down and act like one?" " Darcey, Joy Boy happens to be my friend, and all my friends are nine feet tall and make very bad doormats." " You bootleggers, you were nine feet tall." " All big fish in a little pond, but all of a sudden all the little ponds are drying' up." " That's where the king comes in." " I'm makin' me a national syndicate." " I'm gonna push some of you gasping' sharks back in the water." " But it's gonna be my water." " It'll cover the whole country." "  Deep water." "  Deep, huh?" " How deep?" " Dames?" " Dope?" " That's a little over my head." " Come on." " That's bush league." " We're gonna operate from presidential suites." " We're gonna elect judges, contribute to charities, finance operas." " We're gonna be in the big, profitable business of catering for all human weaknesses." "  What would be my cut?" "  Your cut?" " The New York territory?" " Right down the middle." " If you're the right guy." " He's the only guy." " There's one more little detail." " We request the franchise holders to put up $50,000." " In small bills." " As a token of their good faith." "  Who's driving?" "  Herman." "  Herman?" "  Yeah." " Take Mr. Darcey anywhere he wants to go while he's in town." " He's my guest." "  Drop me off at the nearest goods stop." "  OK, boss." " Wait a minute." " You're not interested?" " No, not right now." " Because, you see, this is one fish that isn't jumping into anybody's pond unless I'm paid $100,000 in cash as a token of your good faith." " You want the syndicate to pay you?" " I'm the lucky one, remember?" " All right, boys, let's go." " We got some ponds that need watering real bad." " Oh, if you get an itch for any of those human weaknesses yourself, just holler." " This is my town, Darcey." " Wait a minute." " Like I said, I like your style." " But you know the rules as good as I do, kid." " The king makes an offer, the king gets turned down, the king loses face." " On a king that coat looks good." " Wear it." " Sheeh!" " That guy is gonna play on my side or he ain't gonna play at all." " If it was me, I'd warm up the blowtorch." "  Any mail?" "  Tomorrow." "( recites in Latin)" "Ooh!" " He uses a blowtorch on people?" " What does he do - weld 'em?" " King." " I don't like that guy." " Be fun to take him apart, huh, Joy Boy?" " Be a load of laughs." " All the way up to our funeral." "( sighs)" "Scat." " Scat." " Scat." " Lying all over my poor baby's picture." "( kiss)" "As if it were the only place to sleep." " My... darling..." "Louise." " I just love Annie's music." "... the reception..." "I gave... for... for..." "Lord..." "Ferncliffe." "( record sticks)" "Here's to Lord Ferncliffe." "( record continues playing normally)" ""You will notice I have increased your allowance this year."" "" It breaks my heart that I have not been able to see you all these years, but Dr Michel still insists an ocean voyage could be fatal."" " The old crab." "" Your stepfather thought he might be able to make the trip this year."" " You didn't know you had a stepfather, did you?" " Neither did I." ""The young man you wrote about sounds perfectly divine."" "" I hope he loves you as much as you love him."" " And as much as I love you, my darling." " Herbie, the boat's in." " Did you..." "Where's your uniform?" " You gin-guzzling witch." " On account of you I got the sack." "  Herbie, you can't get fired." "  Can't, eh?" " They caught me putting your lousy letter in my pocket." "  Where is it?" "  What am I gonna tell my old lady?" "  Where's my letter?" "  I don't know." " They took it away from me." " Annie." " Annie!" " You can't go in there!" " Annie!" " You must be in the wrong place, ma'am." " Pedlars aren't allowed." " I beg your pardon." " Oh, my gracious stars." " I have some mail here." " A letter?" " From Barcelona, Spain?" "  A letter?" "  It came for me this morning." " Are you stopping here, my good woman?" " No, I'm not." " But I do have a letter here." " Please." "  What is your name?" "  Mrs. E Worthington Manville." " Mrs. E Worthington Manville?" " Wait here." " Mrs. E Worthington Manville." " Good afternoon, Mrs. Manville." " Is there anything I can do for you?" " There's a letter here for me." " I'd like to get it." " A letter?" " Addressed to the Hotel Marberry?" " Yes." " I told that fella all about it." " Are you sure you're not mistaken, my dear lady?" " No, I'm not mistaken." " I've been getting my letters here for years." " Madam, you're not a guest of the Marberry, are you?" "  Of course not." " Any fool could see that." "  Please, there's no necessity for shouting." " Then why don't you give me my letter?" " Why keep asking stupid questions?" " Madam, I'm compelled to ask you to leave these premises." "  No." " Not till I get my letter." "  Shall I call the police, Mr. Cole?" " Send for the police." " I'm no criminal." " I haven't done anything." " Please, mister." " I don't want to make any trouble." " I just want my letter, that's all." " It's from my daughter, see." " It came all the way from Spain." " She..." "She thinks I'm somebody." " Please?" " Lloyd." " Yes, Mr. Cole?" " Do you recall a letter addressed to a Mrs. Manville?" "  Mrs. E Worthington Manville." "  E Worthington..." "Why, yes." " It came this morning." "  You see?" " I told you." "  Let her have it." " God bless you." " God bless you!" "  What are you waiting for?" " Get the letter." "  But I sent it back." "  You sent it back?" "  I returned it marked "Party not known"." " You can't send it back." " She'll find out that I don't live here." " Don't you see?" " Shh." " Please." "  Has the mail gone out yet?" "  Yes." " The boy picked it up a twinkle ago." " Look." " There he is now." " Boy!" " Boy!" " Yoo-hoo!" " Stop!" " She can't do that in here." " Stop her." " Don't put any more letters in that box!" "( dog barks)" "(manager) Where do you think you are?" " Madam!" " There it is." " I'd know it anywhere." "  Thank you, sir." "  Leave this hotel at once." " Here." " Bless you, sir." "( car horns)" "(car horns distorted)" "(silence)" "(distorted voices)" "My letter." " Where's my letter?" "  Grab my hand." "  Grab her hand." " Here we go." " Up." "  I'm all right." " Let me go." "  There you are." "( woman) Just as I said:" "with Prohibition repealed, you'll see our streets full of nasty old drunks like that." "( car horns distorted)" "Listen, Flyaway." " Are you the smartest agent in town, or you're just a lot of talk?" " Your butter I don't need." " You want four bodyguards?" " They get 100 a week, I get 100." "  With guns." "  Then I get 200." "  Why you?" " They got the guns." "  What's guns?" " I got the permits." " All right." " They gotta be from out of town, dress nice and only shoot in self-defence." " You want four Tom Mixs." "  You don't owe me a favour?" "  Do I owe you a movie star?" " You were in deep trouble." " I sneaked you out of town in Little Switz." "  What do you want?" " My wife?" "  Which one?" " Who do you want protected?" " But he can't know nothin' about it." " The boss." " The Dude?" " I wouldn't do that for one million dollars!" "  Hey, what are you talkin' about?" "  The Dude is hot." " I never was here." " Get yourself the marines." " What?" " Hey, you creep, where are you goin'?" " It was all over town in two minutes." " He insulted a king." " King?" " What king?" " Who remembers faces?" " I don't remember..." " Queenie." "  It was open." "  Where's the king of New York?" "  Where you been?" " The Dude's lookin' for you." " He read Winchell." " Just returning a few items I won't need any longer." " Two kings of New York, and one needs a bodyguard?" " He ain't my client." " ( phone)" " Flyaway, stay here." " I gotta talk to you." " Hey, Flyaway, there's a 10G bonus." " Hello." " Junior, what do you want?" " I am here with two representatives of our out-of-town friend, Mr. Bigelow." "  Bigelow?" " What Bigelow?" "  The Chicago Big... elow." " He wants to see the boss right away to negotiate a deal." " Holy cow." " The deal is still on and the Dude ain't here." " Look, Junior, you gotta stall 'em, because I gotta think in my head." " Tell him to hurry up." " Mr. B has a touch of mal de mer." " Mal de what?" " Oh, you mean seasickness." " Just get the car and come right over." " Wait a minute." " He's gonna need an apple." " Stop off at Schubert Alley, get the bag and her apples." " Don't stop to play stickball." "  You." " There you are." "  Hey, Dude." " The man's on the phone." " The man wants to negotiate a deal!" "  Is this true, what I read in Winchell's?" "  I suppose you can read." " Why, you two-timing dame." " Are you leaving me for that cafeteria clown?" " Yeah." " The wedding's Saturday." " You two-timing dame." " You ain't even been one-timed!" " You ain't walking out on me after what I did for you." " I took you from nothing and made you into something." " So I could become a gangster's flashy moll?" " Not me, mister!" " You ain't walking out on me." " You hear me, Queenie?" " I'm Dave the Dude." " I'm not walking." " I'm running!" " Now you listen to me, Queenie." " Watch it!" "  You...!" "  Watch it, Queenie." "  What are they doing?" "  Playing house." " What, are you still here?" "  The bodyguards." " I just thought of four..." " Look, I'm a busy man." " What's the matter with you?" " Take a walk!" " Out!" "( smashing glass)" "Flyaway!" " No, you're not going out that door." " You owe me one thing, Queenie, and I'm gonna collect." " You ain't leaving here with that halo still on your head." "( Queenie squeals)" "This place is like the inside of a goat's stomach." " Hey, Dave?" " Dave?" " Hey, Dave." " Look, I don't wanna butt in." " Excuse me for interrupting', Dave, but..." " Dave..." " Man, you have the worst sense of timing." " I hate to interrupt," " but I just got a message from Junior." "  From Darcey?" " What did he say?" "  Get me a pair of pants." "  Change your own diaper!" " I said pants me!" " And fix yourself up." " Make yourself decent." " What'd he say?" " In front of her?" " She's marrying JP Cafeteria." " I don't care if she marries J. Edgar Hoover." " Now what did he say?" " Dave, I could hardly believe it, but Darcey wants to meet with you again, right away." "  Didn't I tell you he'd come around?" "  Yeah, that he'd come around." " Look, this is worth millions." " Let's not blow the whole cake to win a little crumb." " Will you stop worrying?" "  Others pay him." " Why should he pay you?" "  I'm Dave the Dude, not one of the others." "  Now go get Annie." "  Yeah, go get Annie." " That's all taken care of." " Junior's bringing her over right now." " ( car hoots)" " Why don't you look where you're going?" "( hooting)" "(phone)" "Yeah." "  We're on our way." "  You're keepin' Darcey waitin'." "  So let him wait." "  You can't." " The man is king." " The king loses face, our heads go on display in the marketplace." " You've been reading books again." " Where the hell is Annie?" " Annie." " Annie!" " Big shots." " Big dopes!" " Your life depends on a beggar's apples, and this superstitious heel..." " Are you still here?" "  You'll wind up in the federal pen." " Or swimming with your feet in cement, like Papa." "  That's why I'm marrying Howard Porter." "  Don't keep the groom waiting." "  Not another minute!" "  Get back in there." "  If I could only cry!" "  Queenie!" " Dude, I can't find Apple Annie anywhere." " She ain't nowhere, I'm telling you." " I hope she croaks!" " What do you mean, you can't find her anywhere?" " All you gotta do is ask any panhandler on Broadway." "  There ain't no panhandlers on Broadway." "  What?" " There ain't a beggar on the street." " It's scary." " It's like Broadway was naked." " I'm ashamed to look at it." "( Smiley) Hi, Mr. Dude, fellas." " Well, the Easter Parade's a little early this year." "  No panhandlers on Broadway, huh?" "  I didn't see 'em before, boss." "  I should drop dead..." " Maybe you should." " It's only an expression." "  Any of you crumbs seen Apple Annie?" "  Yeah, I saw her." " One at a time." " You." "  It's about Annie." "  What about Annie?" "  She's in a pickle." "  Pickled." " I can believe that." " Mallethead saw her on the waterfront, in the water looking." " She was stumbling' along, talkin' to herself." " She was sobbing." " It's good I ran into her." "  So she got a package on." "  It's worse than bein' swacked." " She was swiping stationery from the Marberry Hotel." "  And writing' letters to her daughter." "  Daughter?" " That old bag?" "( Dude) She's a woman, ain't she?" "  What's this about a daughter?" "  Annie's got a daughter in Spain." " Raised in a convent since she was a baby." "  She's comin' to visit, bringing a count." "  She's gonna marry a count or somethin'." "  What is this, a rib?" "  Annie sends her money every month." " And we've been lettin' her shake us down cos we knew." " We all are godfathers." " We all got a piece of the kid." " We figure you're a godfather too." " You got the biggest piece." "  Me?" "  You give Annie big tips for her apples." "  It's why her apples were lucky for you." "  We got a business appointment to keep." "  You keep it." " Just stall 'em." "  How am I gonna stall 'em?" " I'll be along as soon as I get my apple." " Now move it." " Move it." "  Where is Annie?" "  At her flop." " I'll show you." "  Come on, Queenie." " She may be sick." "  Not me." " I got a date with Howard Porter." " Never mind Howard Porter." " I need you." " Maybe Annie needs you too, the way your old lady did." "  Now, just a minute." "  Move it." " No panhandlers on Broadway!" " Keep your mind off that dizzy blonde of yours." " I don't think about her during the daytime, boss." "( drunkenly) Well, if it isn't my dear friend Dave the Dude and his charming broad." " She's just bagged again." " Annie, you had me worried." " Where's the bottle?" " So nice of you to come." " The butler will take your things." " Lovely estate you have here, Lady Chatterley." " It's nothing, really." " Just something I keep for the hunting season." " Everybody's coming down for the hunting season, don't you know." " The flea hunt, isn't it?" " What are you trying to do?" " Knock yourself off?" " Doc Michel told you this paint'll poison you." " Dude, look." " The old lady's had her moments." " This on the emmis?" " You really got yourself a kid?" " Don't sit there slobbering." " Answer me." " Is this your kid?" "  No." "  Those crumbs, taking me for a sucker." " ( glass smashes)" " Oh!" "  My baby!" "  All right, Annie." " Stand up." " It's all right." " Dude knows all about it." " He's a godfather too." " I don't want you casing the waterfront again." " I was born in a place like this and I don't wanna come back." " That's why I need you." " What's all this malarkey about a kid?" " She's coming over with a count." " She's going to marry his son." " Royalty." " They're coming over to meet me." " Me." " Wait till they get a load of Apple Annie." " That'll be a laugh." " Eh, Dude?" " Wait till they meet her crummy old lady." " Eh, Queenie?" " And see this dump." " Annie, you can't do this." " Come on now, you old souse." " Get up out of there." " Take it easy." " She's an old souse maybe, but she's full of dreams." "  She's full of gin." " Where are the apples?" "  Here are your lousy apples." " Old fool, getting herself in a jam like this." " Now come on, let's go." " You're acting like Darcey already." " You can't leave her." " You want me to tuck her in bed?" " Sing her a lullaby?" " Come on." " And her daughter?" " By the time she gets here, she'll be in a psycho ward." " She'll sleep it off." " She'll be all right in the morning." " I'll send Dr Michel." " Come on." " What am I going to do, Queenie?" " What am I going to do?" " Poor creep." " Some Dude must've gotten in your blood once too." "( Dude) Come on, Queenie!" " I'm way past post time." " I got troubles, Annie, but boy, you..." "you need a miracle." " What am I going to do?" "( Smiley) What are you gonna do, Mr. Dude?" "  About what?" "  About Miss Annie." "  What do you expect me to do?" "  You could get her into the Marberry." " Apple Annie in the Marberry?" " You're crazy." "  Just for a week." "  Now listen, Mr. Dude." " We already took up a collection, we did." " We all chipped in 65 bucks to get her in." " You did?" " Well, 65 bucks is a tip at the Marberry." " You're all bats." "  What about your playboy friend?" "  Rodney Kent." "  He's got a penthouse at the Marberry." "  You keep out of this." " Move it, Junior." " Annie at the Marberry..." "I said move it!" " His luck is gonna turn awful bad." " Apple, be lucky today." " All you little people in there, you start workin' real hard." " All right." " When you get home, call Doc Michel to see Annie." " She'll be all right." " She's on a bender, that's all." " Hmm?" " Ain't it a fact?" " You've seen her swacked before." " What the hell do I care?" " I got what I want: the city of New York." " This great big town and those heels that pushed me around, it's all mine now, stretched right out on a silver platter." " Cos Darcey's come around to my way." " What do I need that old apple souse for anyhow?" " You know, they say luck is superstition." " Nah, it ain't superstition at all." " You know what it is?" " Luck is an art." " An art I got." " So I lose the old lady and her apples." " So what?" " Apple Annie at the Marberry Hotel?" " What do you expect me to do, for cryin' out loud?" "( clears throat)" "Look, will you say something?" " Look, will you say something?" " OK, Mr. Big Shot." " Now keep your date with Darcey." " And no more gin, huh?" " Hey, boss." " These rich guys use chequers with horses on 'em." " Put that down!" " I oughta have my head shrunk, doing this." " You at the Marberry!" " Why didn't you swipe stationery from the White House?" " You could've said you were Eleanor Roosevelt." "  Whom did you wish to see, sir?" "  Is this here Rodney Kent's igloo?" " This is Mr. Kent's penthouse, yes, but unfortunately Mr. Kent is in Havana." " He is?" " Well, where'd you get the idea that I give a hang where he is?" "  I just assumed..." " Come over here." " I'm gonna tell you something that'll make you wet all over." " Really?" " I don't care anything about Rodney Kent." " I'm lookin' for Dave the Dude." "  Who is that?" "  He's here, ain't he?" " Well... yes." " Well, what are you standin' there for, growing' in the carpet?" " Take me to him." " Wait here, will you, please?" " There is no carpet." " Sir?" " A gentleman." " Rather primitive." " You tryin' to make me crazy?" " What's goin' on?" " Come here, come here." "  Where you been?" "  Where have I been?" "  I've had to do everything myself." "  I've been through a meat grinder." " For 24 hours I've been locked up in Little Switz listening to that seasick gorilla." " I'm alibiing like crazy." "  What are you alibiing for?" "  For you, for not showing up." " So I didn't show up." " How'd you leave the big man, hm?" "  Headfirst and landed in the gutter." "  Good." " Says he won't talk to messenger boys." " Says he barbecues them." "  Used the blowtorch, eh?" "  Says next time I'll be inside the shirt." " Bluffing, Joy Boy." " That's his psychology." " Pay no attention to him." "  What's this?" "  Meet the new queen of society." " This is Annie, the Duchess of Apples." " What's your daughter doing in Spain?" " Who's her father?" " Aw, boss, that ain't a polite question to ask a dame like Annie." " Wait a minute." " You tellin' me Rodney Kent gave you his apartment for this owl?" " Yeah." " He's a bigger sucker than I am." " He even threw in the butler." " Not against my will, sir." " I love Cinderella stories." " Don't you, sir?" " Take a walk, huh?" "  Junior, what happened to Queenie?" "  I don't know." " Dave, you gotta forget all this." " You gotta meet with Darcey." " That's the deal of a lifetime." " That's our living." " What is all this?" " I don't know." " And I don't want you to tell me." " But what are you?" " A boy scout?" " Are you a tambourine shaker?" " A million do-gooders are standin' in line to help the hardly-ables like Apple Annie." " Stay in there and pitch, sister." " You see, you're Dave the Dude, not Little Boy Blue." " What are you talking about?" " Little Boy Blue?" " Come here." "  Ain't she always been lucky for me, huh?" "  Yeah, yeah." " If I don't help her out of this jam, how long d'you think my luck would last?" " You wanna help her?" " Help her." " But you can't palm that crocodile off as society." " She couldn't fool a pedigree cocker spaniel." " ( Dude) We'd have to clean her up some." "  Some?" " Look at her." " A ragpicker wouldn't stick his hook into her." "( door opens)" "Well, here they are." " The miracle workers." " Here's my maid, manicurist, hairdresser, chiropodist, masseuse, and the pièce de résistance, Pierre of the Saxon Plaza." " Pierre the divine." "  Take a bow, toots." "  Madame." " All right, gang." " Here's your challenge." " Come on, Annie." " Stand up and meet your makers." " This has got to be a complete overhaul, kids, from top to bottom." "  Don't forget a new set of kidneys." "  Let's go, Annie." " Come on, wizards." " Let's wiz." " My old lady always said you can't make a pig's ear out of an old sow." " Monsieur, your old lady was not Pierre." " Huh!" "  Wait a minute." " He can't go in there." "  Oh, that's all right." " Believe me, fellas, it's all right." "( door opens)" "(butler hums cheerfully)" " Hey, boss, you payin' for all of this?" "  Fun, eh?" " Let's see if we can get it back from the bookies." " What's running at Hialeah?" "  Here's the morning lineup." "  Thanks." " Read 'em off to me." " People!" " Go figure them." "  Scratch 5, 7 and 12." "  Right." "( snoring)" "(snoring)" "It's important that these apples are kept here all the time." "  What's your handle?" "  Pardon?" "  Your name." "  It's Hutchings, sir." " Hutchings." " With a g." "OK, Hutch." " This oughta take care of the help for a while." " Split it up amongst them." "  They know to keep their mouths shut?" "  And their ears." "  Told 'em what'd happen if they didn't?" "  Yes, sir. ( imitates machine gun)" " Don't do that, please." " ( door opens)" "(snoring)" "(woman) Oh, my feet." " I never wanna see shoes again." "( muttering)" "(imitates fanfare)" "Gentlemen, may I present Mrs. E Worthington Manville." " She's like a cockroach what turned into a butterfly!" " Dude," "I'll never forget this." " Never." " God bless you." " Well..." "You..." "You could've fooled anybody." " Well, you're gonna need a little walking-around money, so... here you go." " I guess everything's all set now, huh?" " Good luck, Annie." " Joy Boy, Junior, come on." "  How do we contact Little Switz?" "  They call your apartment every hour." "  We make the next call." "  Hey!" "  Where do you think you're going?" "  I did what you wanted, didn't I?" " I postponed my wedding a week because you asked me to make a lady out of her." " Don't think you can run off and leave me holding the bag." " No offence, Annie." " Look, woman, the Dude has gotta make some bread." " If I can stall my wedding, he can stall his short cut to Sing Sing." " For Pete's sakes, Queenie, what else do you want?" " I don't want anything." " But what about the husband she's supposed to have?" "  Husband?" "  That's a man who marries a woman." "  Whose husband?" "  Annie's!" " The Honourable E Worthington Shmerthington!" " Who's gonna dig him up?" " Dude?" " Louise... my daughter... does expect a stepfather." " Well... go get her one." "  Can't you do anything yourself?" "  Who's she gonna get?" "  Shimkey, the blind man?" " Or Smiley?" "  You find her one." " You're the one who needs her, Mr. Big, not me." " I got cafeterias." " I don't need apples." " The Dude's whole future depends upon this deal." " Can you get off his back?" " His whole future depends on Annie, and don't you forget it, frog-face." "  You're a troublemaker." "  You're a selfish schtoonk!" " All right, all right, all right!" " I'll find her a... a husband." " This is beautiful." " All right, Joy Boy, go tell Darcey that the Dude ain't available cos he's diggin' up a husband for some old souse cos he's nuts about her apples." " Where am I gonna find a husband?" " Where am I gonna find a husband?" " In Macy's basement?" " They don't sell 'em there, boss." "( Joy Boy groans)" "Yeah." " Me?" " You." " I think he'd be just precious!" " Oh, that would be a great idea." " There's only one problem." " I got a wife that's very fussy." " She don't like for me to go around marrying' people!" " Now, I know that might sound very selfish to you, but she's very funny that way." " I know his wife." " He's right." " She's a selfish buffalo." "  Dude?" "  What?" " I got an idea." " What?" " I know one real gentleman I'm sure we can trust." " We?" " Oh, now we're all partners!" " You know Judge Blake?" " Judge Henry G Blake." " That's our man." " When did you ever trust a judge?" " For a proposition like this we need a guy with class, with dignity, a gentleman of the old school, and... a thief." " Judge Blake, the guy that told you you could shoot pool was yanking' your ankle." " Sucker's ready to bite." " Up in Providence, where I'm out of, an amateur like you would lose his pants." " An excellent argument for never visiting Providence." " I hate to do this to you, Judge, but I got a reputation to keep up." "  And that does it." "  Astonishing!" " Willie Hoppe couldn't do better." " You pool-hall poltroons." " Once again you lured me into a game with a master, solely for your own amusement." "  You're just warmin' up." " Another game?" "  I came here to slay a sombre afternoon, not to be made sport of by Pecksniffian oafs." " Aw, go on, Judge." " It's only a nickel a ball." " What do you say we double the bet one time?" " Ten cents a ball?" " Why, that's a veritable fortune." "  Afraid, huh, Judge?" "  Afraid?" "  I'll make it 50 cents a ball." "  OK." " You got yourself a deal." " Attendant, rack 'em up." "( laughter)" "Hey, Judge." " If you will excuse me, while you break, I'll have a word with an associate justice." " Greetings, my intellectual giant." " What brings you down to Kew in lilac-time?" " The Dude wants to see you." " Your master's timing is most regrettable, my dear Junior." "  I have a plump pigeon in my sights." "  Huh?" " Within the hour Providence is going to provide next month's room rent." "  Come on, Your Honour." " It's your shot." "  By your leave, sir." " My pigeon is cooing." " A little shaky, huh, Judge?" " My boy, the impatient blade is about to descend... on your red hick's neck." "  Oho!" " ( laughter)" " Oho!" " ( laughter)" "That was the bedroom." " Over here, that's the billiard room." " Down here's the guest rooms." "  Pretty classy layout, huh, Judge?" "  Lovely, lovely." " The beauty of the Taj Mahal, the serenity of Melrose Abbey." " Sir, "If thou wouldst view fair Melrose aright..."" ""Go visit it by the pale moonlight."" "" For the gay beams of lightsome day Gild, but to flout, the ruins grey."" "  Oh, my!" "  To Scott." "  He'll do." "  Yeah." " Judge, think you could force yourself to shack up here for a week?" "  Is he for real?" "  He comes with the coop." " If this is a deal, you get yourself a new set of rags and 100 clams." " What do you expect from me for all this opulence?" " I'm a poor hand at violence." " You're a lock for this gag." " All you gotta do is be a husband." " A husband?" " Impossible." " I'm twice a widower now, thanks to my fleetness of foot and the grace of distance." " No, you don't have to marry the dame." " Just be a husband for one week." " Queenie!" " Come here a minute, will you?" " Judge, you've heard of Queenie Martin, haven't you?" " My cup runneth over." " Queenie, meet the judge." " I told you I'd find you a good husband." " Madam, this is a great honour, a rare experience, and a pulsating pleasure." " Oh, Your Honour." " Yeah." " With a new set of clothes he'll just make it fine." " Thank you." " I'll do my best." " But at my age the libido is most unpredictable." " Don't worry about that." "  What'd you say?" "  Your humble servant, madam." " And your eager spouse." "  That's the best offer I've had all day." "  No wonder he's drooling." " Listen, you fricasseed Casanova." " Not her." " You're gonna marry Apple Annie." "  Apple Annie?" "  Apple Annie." " Even as a jest, Dude, that's an insult." " Junior!" " Apple Annie." " Preposterous!" " A creature of the pavements, a... a..." "a frowsy hag, with the breath of a dragon." " Sir, despite my larcenous impulses, I am a gentleman." " Good afternoon." " Good afternoon, Annie." " Annie?" "( Dude) That's Annie." " Apple Annie?" " Annie, the judge was just saying how pleased he'll be to be your husband." " Thank you, Judge." " I'm deeply grateful." " The pleasure, I assure you, dear kind and charming lady, is entirely mine." " You're all set now, Annie." " You got yourself a husband." " Now you'll go to the boat." " Yeah." " God bless you, Dude." " God bless you." " OK." " Joy Boy, let's go." " Sure you don't wanna kill a couple of hours, take some family pictures?" " Sir?" " Sir!" " Sir, pardon me." " I will see that everything is done, sir, notwithstanding my cardiac." "  What?" "  Oh, you can trust me, sir." " I've had commando training." " The Boer War, you know." " I shall need at least a score of your henchmen, very rugged ones." "  A hollow square will hold them." "  What are you talking about?" " The ship's reporters." " They interview the arriving celebrities." " They will want to know from the count why he came to America." " Holy Toledo." " I forgot about the reporters." "  Why didn't you think of that?" "  Why didn't I think of it?" " Come on, Junior." " We gotta round up the boys." " What time does the ship get in?" " I hope it sinks." " Take a walk." "( ship's hooter)" "(band plays "A Life on the Ocean Wave")" "Has she seen the kid yet?" "  She's still looking." "  She's still looking." "  How do I look?" "  Beautiful." " Like a star." " I can hardly believe it." " In a few minutes I'll have my baby in my arms." "  Do you see her yet?" "  No, not yet." " Dude, stay close to me." " I'm so frightened." " At least the boat's on time." "  What about reporters?" "  I took care of 'em." " The Dude has woven a chain of missing links around us." "( band plays "The Man on the Flying Trapeze")" "Hey, look." " There's Dave the Dude." " Yeah, with his whole mob." " Let's stick around." " I've been waiting ten years to pin something on that Dude." "( ship's hooter)" "There she is!" " There she is!" " Louise!" " Louise!" " Louise, darling!" " Louise!" " Louise!" " Louise!" " Louise!" " Louise!" " Louise!" " She saw me." " She recognised me." " Louise!" " Mama!" " Mama!" " Mama!" " My baby." " My baby." " My Louise." " I can't believe it, after all these years." " Why, you're a grown woman." "  And so beautiful." "  Oh, Mama, you are too." " I would've known you anywhere." " What are they doin' now, Sal?" " Huggin' and kissin'." " Is she happy?" "  She's crying." "  She's crying." " I want you to meet Count Alfonso Romero and his son Carlos Romero." " This is my mother." "  How do you do?" "  Madam." " How do you do?" " Darling, this is your stepfather, Judge Manville." " Mother's written me so much about you, Father." " I want you to meet Count Romero and his son Carlos." "  How do you do?" "  Welcome to America, my dear Count." " We've looked forward to your visit with considerable relish." " This is a glorious moment for everyone." " Oh, how stupid of me." "  Louise, this is your, um..." " Aunt." " Aunt Betty." "  Aunt Betty." "  And Uncle David." "  I never knew I had an aunt and uncle." "  Yes, dear." " David is your father's brother." " I'm so pleased." " Mother never wrote a word about you." " That's because he's always been the black sheep of the family." " May I present Count Romero, and Carlos Romero." " This is my Aunt Betty and my Uncle David." "  How do you do?" "  Nice to meet you." " Will you excuse me?" " Excuse me." " I'm the ship news reporter." " You lookin' for somebody, kid?" " What is it?" "  You talking to me?" "  No, your Aunt Tillie." "  They made me the ship news reporter." "  No kiddin'?" "  I gotta check the passengers." "  There's no passengers on that boat." "  What do you call those people?" "  Spanish sailors." " They all dress like that." "  Hey, what kind of a gag is this?" "  This is no gag." " You gotta go to pier four." "  The Jersey ferry just hit an iceberg." "  Then it got shot up by a submarine." "  One of ours." "  A catastrophe." "  Terrible thing." "  Worse than the Lusitania." " Take this man to pier four in the Bronx." "  Pier four ain't in the Bronx." "  It's in the Bronx." " It moved." "  How many is that?" "  That's five, and we're runnin' out of cars." "( man) You wait here while I get Count Romero." " You will come with me." " Take a walk." " I want you to take some very good pictures of the count." "  Can I help you, mister?" "  I doubt it, sir." "  I am the Spanish consul and..." " I was just looking for you." "  You were?" "  Yes." " Immigration." " We're holding Count Romero because of some rare Spanish disease." " Rare disease?" " But there is no such thing as a Spanish disease." "  Lieutenant." "  Yes, Sergeant?" " It's worse than expected." " They say they'll take the count away in a straitjacket." " I'm sure the consul here can straighten things out." "  Take the consul to the count's cabin." "  Aye aye, sir." "  This way." "  Don't get too close to the count." " This is fantastic!" " I am going to take this to the secretary of state himself." " You should, sir." " Looks like the Dude's got a new swindle going." " The Dude's too smart to pull anything in the open." " Let's go." " Wait a minute." " Let's have a little chat with him anyway." " OK." "( Smiley) Gangway." " Gangway." " Gangway." " Mr. Dude, sir, a couple of coppers are comin' to put the arm on you." " Holy cow." " Junior, start a brannigan." " Sock the Weasel." "  Sock the Weasel?" " He's my brother!" "  Don't argue." " Sock the Weasel." "  Hey, Weasel." " How's Ma?" "  Ma's OK." " She's all right." " Good." " Ma told you not to hit me no more!" " Fight!" "( women scream)" " Amscray." " A couple of ullbays." "  Folks, I think we'd best be on our way." "( police whistle)" "Hi, fellas." " Boy, have I seen New York in the past four days!" " Boss, Queenie says for you to eat these sandwiches." "  How's tricks with the social mob?" "  It's going so great, I'm scared." " First thing, breakfast on gold plates." " Then Queenie herds us into the car and we go sightseeing all over." " Did you know New York was an island?" "  What do you want, boss?" "  Got a pastrami?" " Yeah." " Ma thought I was nuts." " Hey, Joy Boy." " We passed by a zoo, and what do you think I saw?" " A cow!" " Here's your yoghurt." "  Guess who's buried in Grant's Tomb." "  Will you leave me alone with the tomb?" " You're sure the count ain't talked to nobody?" " Count Romero?" " He don't get a chance to talk to himself." " When the judge runs out of gas about cowboys and Indians, Queenie sings." "  Enough already!" " Please!" "  You ain't heard nothin' yet." " You should see the way Annie looks at her daughter - like she was a banana split." " Hey, boss, those two kids better get married, or else they're gonna bust." " See?" " I told you guys." " Helping that old doll..." "it kinda gets me, right here." " You know what I mean?" " You know, boss, it gets me too." " Only higher." " I hate to tell you where it gets me." " And I'm gonna tell you." " You're playin' with your darts, and you're happy with the banana, but me, I'm scared." " Three days and nights we're waitin' by the phone." " Darcey ain't called." " You know what that means?" " I can feel the bullets." " Darcey's gotta knock us off now, or we're done." " All right." " I don't complain." " No." " You say no bullets." " All right." " You say no guns." " All right." " No bodyguards." " All right." " You say don't lock the doors." " All right." " It's crazy, but I've been with you for ten years." " I'll go along for the ride." " But not this." " I'm not gonna sit here, sweat, feel hot lead, and at the same time listen to that sugar-coated malarkey about the beggar woman and her daughter." " That's all!" " Finished!" " Done!" " Goodbye!" "( phone rings)" "That's Darcey." " I wish I could worry like him, but I don't know how." " Talk." " Aw, for cryin' out loud." " It's Annie's butler." " That's the bum from the Boer War." " Now what?" " Yeah?" " I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr. Dude, but the count just asked me to telephone the Spanish consul." "  What does he want to talk to him for?" "  I don't know why." " But I did hear him say that he was tired of sightseeing and he wanted to meet some people." "  Joy Boy, how's your Spanish?" "  As good as my French." " They both stink." " Junior, did you learn anything from Spanish Lena?" " Spanish Lena was a Hungarian." " Don't nobody know nothin'?" " And where's Queenie?" "  Put the sucker on." " I'll fade him myself." " ( door buzzer)" "It's open." " Hey, you're Darcey's boys." " Mr. Darcey don't never send "boys."" "  Mr. Darcey wants to see you." "  We were waiting for his call." " Why don't you make yourself at home?" " And you were worried!" " Hello?" " Hello?" " Soy el conde de Romero." "¿ Por qué no fue a recibirme?" "( Japanese accent) Very sorry." " Nobody home." " They all go far away." " They all go..." "California." " Lots of sunshine in California." " So this Japanese houseboy." " So sorry." " Ooh, very sorry." " No, I'm very sorry, they're not home." " Ooh, very sorry." " No, I'm very sorry." " They're not home." " Nobody home." " Just me." " OK." " Bye-bye." " That's very good, Mr. Moto." " Now let's go do some business." " I'll be with you in a minute." " Where is Little Switz?" "  We'll take you personal." "  Yeah." " But first I have a little personal business." " I wanna stop off and buy my apple." " You ain't stopping' nowhere." " Mr. Darcey's through playing'." " Up!" " You, fancy-pants, over there." " You, Mr. Apples, over here." " Turn around." "  Turn around!" " Up!" " Up!" "  All right, all right." "  Hey, your hand's bleeding." "  Oh!" " Argh!" "  This way, gentlemen." "  We'll tie 'em, lock 'em in the bathroom." " When he gets his apple, we'll be back to pick you up." " Now get in there!" " Move!" " Wait." " Lock 'em in the closet, Joy Boy." " They may just wax the bathroom floor." "  Yes, sir?" "  I am Señor Cortez, the Spanish consul." "  The Spanish consul?" "  Yes." "  Is Count Romero to be found here?" "  Well..." "I don't believe he's in just now." "  So if you'd care to leave your card..." " Señor Cortez?" " Señor conde." " Count Romero will receive you." " It has been very difficult for me to locate you, Count Romero." " This is most confusing." " I just had your office on the phone, and your Japanese houseboy assured me you were out of town." "  Japanese?" "  Sí." " What would I be doing with a Japanese houseboy?" "  That is what we were wondering." "  Very strange." "  May I?" "  Sí, sí." " It is my impression that there's something peculiar about Mrs. Manville." "  Mrs. Manville?" " Peculiar?" "  Yes." " I've telephoned several society editors and they know nothing about her." "  I would be very cautious if I were you." "  Of what?" "  Father, I resent these insinuations." "  You did not even meet me at the pier." " Believe me, I was there." " But an official told me you were having difficulty with your shots." " Shots?" " What shots?" " A gentleman from the immigration service said you could not land because you had contracted a peculiar disease." " And later, the ship's captain told me you were a guest of this Mrs. Manville." " Señor, I had no trouble landing." " I am in perfect health." " You are a most confused man." " When I try to reach you on the phone I find your confusion has spread to your staff, where a Japanese listens to Spanish and answers in pidgin English." " Caramba!" " Señor, give the gentleman his hat." " Very well, Count Romero." " But in taking my leave, let me add only this." " That a bellboy in this very hotel assured me that this penthouse is permanently leased by an American novelist named Rodney Kent." " Is this the way our diplomats conduct our affairs?" " Questioning bellboys?" " Good day, sir." " This episode will raise some eyebrows in Madrid." "  Rodney Kent!" "  It's ridiculous." " For years Louise has corresponded with her mother at this very hotel." "  If I may, sir?" "  Sí, sí." " Thank you." "  Rodney Kent does live here." "  What?" " In these books, sir." " See?" " Pulitzer Prize winner." " The judge" " Judge Manville - writes under that name." " Ah." " Ah!" "  After the fashion of Mr. Mark Twain." "  And O Henry, Father." " O Henry." " Sí, señor." " Yes." "  I trust this confidence will be respected." "  Of course." " Thank you." " Tea is served, sir, on the terrace." " Now, what are we gonna do after tea?" "  What does the count like to do most?" "  Well, he rides a bicycle a great deal." " Six-day bicycle races." " Great." " I'll call for tickets." " Oh, dear Count, I have such a surprise for you." " We just decided to go to the six-day bicycle races at Madison Square Garden." "  But we'll not be here for six more days." "  Hi, everybody." " Just came to say hello." " And... buy one of your delicious apples." " Oh, here we are." " You see, Count, it's sort of a family joke." " I always feel that these apples bring me luck." " What a charming idea." " I have the same feeling about onions." "  What is it, Hutchings?" "  A journalist to see you, sir." " Second call." "( Dude) That guy out there is a reporter." "( judge) What provoked the curiosity in this wretched scribe?" "  He requests a biography of Mrs. Manville." "  Absurd." " Brother David, perhaps you can handle this inquisitor?" " Don't worry about a thing, Judge." " Everything's taken care of." "  What's the pitch, Brisbane?" "  From the society desk at the Star." " I wanna do a feature on Mrs. E Worthington Manville." "  She's not in the Social Register." "  Not in the Social Register?" " Or the phone book, not even the Yellow Pages." " Did you look under M's?" " Look, I'm tired." " The Spanish consul called my editor..." " Say, aren't you Dave the Dude?" "  What is he talking about?" " Sure." " I seen you around Queenie Martin's club." " You know, you're wasting your time with society news." " You could be a great big reporter, and we could give you a great big story." " Yeah, but we better go someplace where we won't be disturbed." "  Isn't that right, Uncle David?" "  That's right." "  Do you want to step this way?" "  Right this way." " No more sightseeing." " No more buildings." " Mrs. Manville, I have come to know your daughter that well that I love her like a father." " Thanks..." "Thank you." " And so I wish to announce I will be greatly honoured if your daughter will accept the proposal of my son in marriage." " Congratulations, Carlos!" " This is a great moment, a historic moment." " The union of our two families." " The Montagues and the Capulets." " My dear Count, this calls for a real celebration." " That is exactly what I was coming to." " It will give me the greatest pleasure to announce the engagement officially at a reception for a few of your intimate friends." " Reception?" "  With people?" "  Sí." "  Father..." " No, no." " Relax and enjoy yourself, newsboy." " You're living at the Marberry." "  It was nice meetin' you." " ( muffled cries)" "Watch your diction, watch your diction." " Reporter's taken care of, Judge." " Uncle David, congratulate us." " Carlos and I are engaged." " You're a lucky man, Carlos." " Congratulations." " Brother David, I just told the count we'd make the announcement at the reception." " Fine." " Well, I'll see you folks around." " Reception?" " What reception?" " The count wants to meet some of our friends." " A modest affair." " Nothing elaborate." " Just the intimate friends of the parents of the bride." " About... 100 people, did you say, Judge?" " 100... friends?" " You're the only one who can handle it, David." "  We must tell Aunt Betty at once." "  Aunt Betty will be the first to know." " Brother Henry, would you come with me?" " I think we have to make up a list." " Mrs. Manville, I hope there is enough time for the preparations." " Why, you two-bit pool hustler." " Sit down there." " Sit down!" "  I told you not to get used to high living." "  It was the count's idea!" "  I oughta belt him." "  Now, now, godfather." " Do you know what this windbag's got us into?" " A reception for 100 people." "( door opens)" " Where do you think you're going?" "  I'm fleeing from Armageddon, sir." " With my cardiac condition I just cannot take unhappy endings." "  So I'm off to join Mr. Kent in Havana." "  With two broken legs?" " My legs, sir?" " Oh, they're quite..." "Oh." " Oh!" " Very cleverly put, sir." " Thank you, sir." " Yes." " Not at all." " You!" "  You'll break the poor lady's heart." "  Why didn't you stop it before it started?" "  Oh, there you are." "  So we gotta throw a party." " So we just herd up a bunch of freeloaders." " Society freeloaders." " The count expects 100 of the Four Hundred." " Annie only knows people from sewers." " Which reminds me." " You got a couple of sewer rats trussed up in the closet." " Darcey's mugs." " I forgot all about them." " The Weasel's in Annie's place, so I'm here." " Somebody tell me how I got into this pot." " I didn't wanna be dealt in the first place." " You, Queenie." " You were the one who suckered me into this." " As long as I was minding my own business in my own racket, it was fine." " But then I had to start to help somebody, had to be the big man." " And will you look at me now?" " I got oost into this old dame's life," "I got a couple of hoods, a couple of hatchet men, stashed in that closet," " a reporter guzzled up in the penthouse..." " You got three reporters in the penthouse." "  Three?" "  Two more showed up so we bagged 'em." " That's kidnapping." " Do you know what the newspapers'll do to us?" " Does it still kinda get you a little bit, right here?" "  The butler says there's enough food." "  That's it." " I've had it." " You, Junior, bring those Darcey orang-utans to me right now." " I like that butler." " Calls me "sir", bows to me." " Makes me feel like a broad." " You take care of those reporters till I square the beef with 'em." " And you go tell your friend Annie to take her business around the corner, because I am through, I am finished!" " Oh, boy." " And just when you were starting to act like a human." " Queenie, you got 30 seconds before I pick you up and throw you out." " You know, some people toss charity balls for homeless cats." " They even build zoos so wild animals live good." "  You get arrested if you whip a horse." "  10." " Good people help, Dude." " What are we?" " Did we ever build a bridge or plant a seed?" "  20." "  We're nothin'." " We're all a bunch of grabbers, looking for the best of it." "  Just once, couldn't we help somebody?" "  That's it." " You're through, sister." " Yes, we're gonna help somebody." " We are going to help me." " I'm gonna make any kind of a deal Darcey wants." " Unless we've blown it already." " Hallelujah!" " I'm gonna drink to you." " It's my first in five years." " Do I infer you're stranding Annie on the rocky beach of despair?" " I've had just about enough of your hot air too, Judge." " You - out!" " And you - out." " Both of you - out." " That's it." " School's out." " Everybody out." " I hope we're not interrupting anything." " Louise!" " Darling!" " Uncle David just told me the good news." "  My heartiest congratulations, Carlos." "  Thank you." "  I hope we're not intruding." "  Not at all." " You're a breath of spring." " We were just taking a walk and Carlos had the most wonderful, sweetest idea." "  What is it, Carlos?" "  No, no." " This is not the time." " Or the place." " Of course it is, Carlos." " He thinks the world of you, Uncle David." "  Louise." "  What is it, Carlos?" " Well, sir, I... that is, Louise and I..." "Yes." "... we would be most pleased if, when the time comes, you will consent to be godfather to our first child." " He'd be delighted." " Uncle David's already an experienced godfather." " Oh, Uncle David!" " I love you so much." " Thank you, señor." " I am very honoured, and my family is very honoured." "  And if it's a boy we'll name him after you." "  No." " Louise, we cannot take up any more of their time." " No." " I'm sure you have so much to do, arranging the reception on short notice." " Goodbye." "  About 100 people, you said, Judge?" "  Not just people." " But citizens of style and grace." " And this above all: daisies who won't tell." " Dude's gang!" " Now, there's a bunch of daisies that wouldn't dare squeal." " With the right clothes they'd pass off as kings." "  They would?" "  Well, look at Annie." " The count fell for her." " And you and me." " And Carlos thinks the Dude is a young Abe Lincoln." " And the count even swallowed Joy Boy, and I can do better than that in a pet shop." " If you weren't a broad I'd kick you right in the stomach." " And my old chorus girls." " Why, they'd make the most glamorous society queens this town's ever seen!" " Indeed." " Why not?" " The world goes round in make-believe." " Louie the Lug - with a carnation in his buttonhole, he'll look like Grover Whalen." "( Queenie) The Weasel'd make a great secretary of war." " The Weasel as secretary of war?" " No, he don't rate no more than an alderman." " Dude!" " Why, the Weasel'd make as good a secretary of war as anyone you can name." " No, I think he'd rate an alderman." " Dude, you're gettin' hooked again." " You know what?" " You almost had me walking out on poor old Apple Annie." " Queenie, call your broads." " Judge, call Boyle's pool room." " You know the number." "  I'll call..." " Dude..." "Dude!" " Round everybody up." " They was knotted real tight." " Good thing I was a boy scout." " Mr. Darcey ain't gonna like this." " You tell Mr. Darcey he's got a deal, but on my terms." " He delivers me $100,000 cash." " And no more of you popgun monkeys showing up or else I ain't gonna like it." " Would you kindly connect me with Harry the Horse?" " Honey, forget the house party." " I need you now." " Cheesecake, roust out the boys and take 'em to a Turkish bath, will you?" " What do you think, what for?" " A bath, you jerk!" " Hey, Joy Boy, get ahold of whatshisname." " Rosy, the suit man." " That's a good idea." " I'll have him measure you all for straitjackets." "( all talking at once)" " Keep singing." " Please." "  No, Carlos." " It's your turn." "  I'm busy." "  The wedding poem." " You promised." "  Keep still." "  You'll have to at the wedding feast." " Your father told me that every Romero for 1,000 years has had to do it." "  All because some silly ancestor wrote it." "  I love it." " Please?" " You interrupt people at the oddest moments." " Please?" " I hope nobody is listening." " For her, for whom I would walk through fire, the great cathedral's heavenly choir sings God's angelic music." " Be still, my racing heart - she is floating toward me as a winged melody." " I burst with a Spanish pride." " A thousand eyes, all moist and dewy, share the lovely vision." " Behold: my bride." "  Mother!" "  Mrs. Manville." "  I was lonely for you." "  It is my fault." " Please." " I have a lifetime with Louise, and you only two days." " I will see you later, Mother." " You do not mind my calling you "Mother"?" " I'd like that..." "Son." " Thank you..." "Mother." " You do love him, don't you?" " So much it must show, Mama." " Today, when we were walking along Broadway, a little old flower pedlar - a deaf and dumb lady - gave me this." " She insisted I take it, and she refused to accept a penny for it." "  Oh, Mama, life is wonderful, isn't it?" "  Yes, baby." " Yes." "  Mama?" "  Yes?" " You don't think anything can..." "can happen, do you?" "  Happen?" "  I'm foolish, I suppose." " Maybe it's because I'm wishing so hard." " Mama, have you ever wished for something so hard..." "Nothing's going to happen." " Nothing." " ( intercom buzzes)" " Yeah?" "  Captain Moore to see you, Inspector." "  Send him right in." "  Anything on the missing reporters?" "  Nothing, Inspector." " Not a thing." " The newspapers are crucifying us." "  You hear Winchell last night?" " ( buzzer)" " Yeah?" "  The commissioner's on the phone." " There he is again." " Fourth time today." " Hello, Commissioner." " No, but I've got Captain Moore in my office right now." "  No, not a thing yet." "  What do you mean?" " I'm not gonna be made the goat for the whole department." "( intercom buzzes)" " What is it?" "  The mayor's on the phone." "  Didn't you tell him I was out?" "  He didn't believe it." " Hold on a minute." " Hello." " Yeah, Chief." " I was just talking to Inspector McCrary." " Not a thing yet." " I have had a supersufficiency of "not a thing"." " I want some action, and I want it quickly." " Every editor in town is in my office now." " And you'll get a front-page editorial in my paper every day till something's done." " It is a very embarrassing situation when a reporter is not safe on our streets." " If the city can't do anything, perhaps the state can." " We'll take it up with the governor tomorrow." " I want you to find those three reporters, Commissioner, or I will be forced to demand your resignation." " McCrary, you dig up those three reporters or I'll have to get myself another boy." " Captain, you have 24 hours to find those reporters." " If you can't, you'll find yourself on the other end of a broom at the horse barn!" "  What is it?" "  I think we got an angle on the reporters." "  Speak up, son." "  A funny thing happened." " Last Saturday I met one of the boats, to check the passenger list." "  Two characters shoved me into a car." "  Why didn't you report it sooner?" " They didn't hurt me, just drove me around the Bronx, then gave me taxi money." "  Any idea who grabbed him?" "  Not exactly." " Two of our men saw Dave the Dude at the pier Saturday night meeting some people." "  And with his whole mob." "  Dave the Dude, hm?" " It's not much, but we're beginning to look like a police department." " Captain, you better put a tail on the Dude." " There could be a connection." " These are great, Judge." " Just a few more speeches." " As Jimmy Durante says, "I've got a million of 'em."" "" My dear Count, it is indeed a pleasure..."" "I'm charmed to meet you, Count." " I'm charmed to meet you..." " All right, hold it, everybody!" "  Quiet!" " Quiet!" " Listen." " Queenie, take your broads to the other side of the room." "  You guys, I want to talk to you." "  Guys over here!" " Broads over there!" " Come on, move it!" " We ain't got all night." " You guys, you gotta remember something." " You're not a bunch of bums." " You're a bunch of gents." " Dude, you gotta make 'em stop with the pistols." " They making holes in the lining." " I thought I told you to tell 'em to leave the rods home." "  Weasel, I told you - no rods!" "  No rods." " Come on, you guys." " If we don't act like gents, we'll bollix the whole schmear up tomorrow night." " Now, you all got the speeches the judge wrote for you." " You know who you are, huh?" " I don't have to tell you?" "  Who are you, Slops?" "  Governor of the State of Utta." "  State of what?" " No, no." " State of Utah." "  Utah, metah..." "Look, will you read the speech the way the judge gave it to you, please?" " Don't yak too much." " Smile all the time." " That'll get you by anybody, even kings." " Kings, yeah." " But these mugs?" " You smile at 'em, you get a hand on the knee." " You've had so many hands on your knees, deary, you wear gloves for stockings." " OK, settle down." " Dude!" " If any of your he's make passes at my she's..." " No passes, no passes, no passes!" "  You hear that?" " No passes." "  No passes?" " Gee, what a party pooper." "  I don't wanna hear no more from you." " Dude, this ain't a good speech the judge gave me." "  You handicapping speeches now?" "  This count's from out of town." "  So what?" "  I tell him he's lucky to meet Apple Annie." " You wanna tell him you'll fix him up with a couple of dames?" " Just read the speech!" "( all talk at once)" "Cheesecake!" " Tell 'em to be quiet." " Quiet down, guys." " Will you please be quiet!" " Why aren't you practising?" "  I've been practising." " Only..." " Only what?" " I'm as good as Louie the Lug is, and if he's ambassador, I oughta be a king." " Secretary of the interior is bigger than an ambassador." " I ain't as dumb as you think." " A secretary's a secretary." " All right, all right, brain." " I'll make you the postmaster." " All right?" " That's more like it." " I save stamps." "  Yeah." " Judge, you got a new postmaster." "  Check." " Come here, Mex." " Give the speech to him now." "  You're the count." "  I thought I was the governor of Florida." " Will you just please pretend you're the count for a minute?" " Go ahead." " Shoot." " Count, Your Honour... it's a rare... privy..." " privy..." " What are you talking about?" "" It's a rare privilege", jackass!" " Does it say that?" " I didn't think I was supposed to call the count no jackass." "  You're giving me a headache, you guys." " ( booming voice) Me too!" " What a bunch of ignoramice." " Ignoramice - that's more than one ignoramouse." " Yeah?" " You too, huh?" " Here." " ( clears throat) I'm losing my voice." "  Start practising'!" "  I am charmed to meet you, Count." "  You stink." " Jerk." " No, you don't." " All we need now is a crying drunk." " Give me one good reason to stay sober." " You thought all this up." " You straighten out this menagerie." "  Hey, guys, listen to Miss Martin here!" "  Quiet down, everybody." "  Quiet!" "  Quiet." "  Quiet!" "  Quiet!" " Let's do one thing at a time." " Forget the speeches for now and we'll concentrate on the bowing." "  Judge, show 'em how to bow again." "  It's quite simple." " The movement is at the waist, with a graceful gesture of the hand - thus." " What's so difficult about that?" " Head waiters do it." " Foreigners do it - can't even speak English." " All right, listen." " Have a he and a she, pair off and practise the bowing." "  All you broads over here!" "  Come on, girls." " Pick out a guy and start bowing." " Don't forget the gesture with the hand." " Bow." " Everybody bow." " Bow!" " If I'm sober, why do I see things like this?" " Does the board of health know about this epidemic?" "( woman screams)" " What's the matter?" "  Him." " He tried to pick my pocket where there ain't no pocket." "( uproar)" "All right, hold it!" " You guys ain't taking this thing serious." " And you gals ain't either." " But this is serious, all right." " It's murder." " You're probably saying "What's in it for us?"  I'll tell you: nothin'." " I mean, nothin' that you can put in your pocket." " After all, did any of us ever plant a bridge?" " Uh... build a bridge or plant a seed?" " For once, could we just do somethin' nice for somebody?" " This is for old Apple Annie." " If something goes wrong tomorrow night, there's no telling what'll happen to Annie." " Maybe she'll put her head in the oven - the perfect solution." " So come on now." " We're gonna practise." " We're gonna get in there..." "Tell you what." " Make believe it's for your own mother." " I oughta do somethin' for my mother." " They won't let me see her in solitary." "( Dude) Now start practising, everybody." " I say it again and again and again." " This will never work, this will never work, this will never work." " Happy days." " The music must be soft and mellow." " Nothing harsh, nothing raucous." " Just the gentle drip of rain upon an autumn leaf." "  Yes, sir." " I'll lay on the silk." "  Splendid." " Keep it schmaltzy." "( hums "The Marseillaise")" " The new men?" "  Yes, sir." "  Trustworthy?" "  Completely." "  I'm just loving this, sir." " Aren't you?" "  Hutch, in here it's Christmas." " Quite." " Yes." " As Pascal said: the heart hath reasons that reason itself knows nothing about." " A handkerchief." "  A handkerchief." "  It's in your hand, ma'am." " Yes, of course." " Lola, do I look all right?" " The head waiter at the Ritz would give you the best table." " God bless you." " See for yourself, Mrs. E Worthington Manville." " You'd make Cinderella look barefoot." " I don't know who that is in there." " I hope the whole thing isn't a dream." " Give me my basket." " Apples?" " Apples?" " Your beautiful dream's coming true, Annie." " God love you." " Everybody's so wonderful..." "and I'm so scared." " ( knocking)" " Come in." " Shades of Aphrodite, goddess of beauty!" " Oh, that man just fills a room." " Never in all my questionable career have I feasted my eyes upon such divine loveliness." " Cut it out, Judge." " When's the Dude coming?" " 8 o'clock, my fluttering dove, and bringing the best-trained social lions you ever saw." "  But can they fool the count?" "  Fret nyet, my pet." " You'll behold a miracle." " Orchids bloom where weeds once grew." "  What if they make mistakes?" "  The Dude'll kill 'em." "  The poor dears." "  Pull yourself together, dearest." " You're the proud mother of a daughter whose engagement is being announced." " And don't think of mistakes." " If any mug pulls a boner, I'll flood the room with a torrent of oratory." "  You're wonderful, Judge." "  I know." " Here's the receiving line plan." " You stand next to me, then Louise, then the count..." " Yeah." " And where am I?" "  Right here." " Dude and his mob are at Queenie Martin's." "  What are they doing there?" "  I don't know." " It sure looks big." " They got a line of cars out here a block long." "  Stay on his tail." " Don't let him get away." "  Right." " Let's close off the block." " Confidentially, at times I'm a bit ashamed of my fellow Americans." " The way they fawn over celebrities, particularly you titled nobility." "  I think that is charming." "  They're like children." " Tonight in your presence they'll probably stammer and appear to be tongue-tied and awkward." "  I beg you to make allowances for them." "  But of course." " Different countries, different customs." " Which reminds me, Judge." " There is a custom in my country which is not a custom in your country." " I have been hoping that you would speak about it." "  Indeed, sir?" " What's on your mind?" "  The dowry, my dear Judge." " As yet, nothing has been said about the dowry." "  The dowry, huh?" "  Sí." " I am aware, of course, that in America it is not important." " But in my country it is the first arrangement." " In your country, yes." " In my country..." "The dowry, huh?" " I don't know what to say, Count." "  You crept up on me on that one." "  I beg your pardon?" " I mean, this is so totally unexpected." " Don't you think it's..." "a bit vulgar to speak of money?" " Well, let us be vulgar, then, for a moment." " I am willing to make a settlement equal to 50,000 of your dollars." "  You are?" " Of my dollars?" "  Sí." " I have been hoping that you would be willing to make a similar settlement." " Willing?" " Yes, yes, of course." " Willing." " Ah." " Old Napoleon." " Join me in a nippy with Nappy?" " Delighted, Judge." " I see you keep your billiard table in excellent condition." "  Do you play?" "  Do I play?" " Señor, in Barcelona I am the champion." " Well, now, isn't that just..." " You don't say?" "  Sí." " Perhaps... a little game before the guests arrive?" " I can think of nothing that would give me greater pleasure." "( both hum cheerfully)" " Oh, about that dowry, Count." "  Yes, Judge?" " It just occurred to me, as the young folks are going back to Spain to live with you," " I should give the whole amount." "  Oh, no, no." " I could not let you bear the entire burden." " But it's no burden, my dear Alfonso." " So, the matter's settled." " Please, my dear host." " You are so gracious." " You make me feel ashamed." "  I shall take care of the full amount." "  It's silly." " We could debate this for hours." " In America we have methods to settle such differences." "  We toss coins or pull straws..." " (chuckles)" " What's so amusing, Alfonso?" "  I could take advantage of you, Judge." " Indeed, sir?" " You wouldn't suggest a billiards contest?" "( Alfonso chuckles)" "(both chuckle)" " (phone)" " That's enough." " You'll start sweatin'." "( Junior) No sweating'!" " Nobody sweats!" "  Dude, it's gonna work, so help me." "  Get your coat, baby." " Dave!" " Come here." " We're in, kid, we're in." " It's Darcey." " Says you can write your own ticket." " Yes or no?" " On my terms, Darcey?" " All right." " I'll tell you what you do." " You bring Little Switz to pier 84 at midnight." " And bring the cash." "  What do you think of my apple now?" "  I love it, I love it, I love it." " Ready, Dude." " Folks, Queenie and I are leaving now." " The rest of you follow in groups of four." "  And, Junior, you take over here." "  Good night." " Good luck, Dude." " Queenie, the Darcey deal's all set." " On my terms." " I'm gonna need you now more than ever." " So don't leave me." " OK, Dave." " Anything you say." " That's him." " Mr. Dude, there's cops all around the place." " Thank you, mister." "( Junior) Like the boss said, you walk out..." " Boss, what's the matter?" "  There's cops out there." " Millions of 'em." "  Cops?" "  What do we do now?" " We can't go over to Annie's." " They'll follow us." " Queenie, get the judge on the phone." " We gotta stall 'em." "  What are they doing out there?" "  I don't know." " I don't figure it." "  I didn't do nothin'." "  Let me think." "  What amazing luck." "  I've been very fortunate, haven't I?" " 24-24." " You realise, you make this shot, you win?" " Really?" " This shot seems practically impossible." " I have seen it made." " It's a seven-cushion shot with high, delicate right-hand English." "  That would take an expert." "  I beg pardon, sir." " Mrs. Manville's brother-in-law on the telephone." " He says it's very urgent." " I shall be there directly." "  You made it!" "  Most fortunate." " Most fortunate." "  The judge... expert." "  Oh, sir, I beat him regularly." " Thank you, sir." " Hello, brother David." " Congratulate me." " I just saved you $50,000." " Knock off the lousy jokes." " We're in a jam." " The place is surrounded by bluecoats." " Cops?" " I don't care for that at all, my dear Dude." " Would you suggest that I fold my tent and silently scram into the night?" " You better stay right where you are." "  Just stall 'em." " I'll figure something out." "  Figure fast, Dude." " I'm notoriously poor at bag-holding." "  What is it, Henry?" "  Nothing, my dear." " I heard you." " You said something about cops." "  They're not coming here, are they?" "  Of course not." "  Don't lie to me." " Tell me the truth." "  Don't get yourself all worked up." " If something's going to happen, I have got to know." " I'd rather tell them the truth myself." " Mama!" " Look what the count gave me to wear tonight." " It's an heirloom that used to belong to Queen Isabella." "  It's beautiful, dear." "  It's going to be mine after the wedding." " Carlos hasn't seen it on me." "( door closes)" "She's a lovely girl, isn't she, Judge?" "  Don't you think she's lovely?" "  Angelic, my dear." " What am I going to do?" " Suppose the count calls off the wedding." " She'd hate me." " Don't be silly, Annie." " She'll want to know who her father is." " What am I going to tell you?" " You see, I was never married." " You won't have to tell her anything." " Now get a grip on yourself." " Dude'll come up with something." " He always does." " Before this evening is over, I expect a complete apology from you." "  That is why I asked you here." "  My dear Count." " Nothing would give me greater satisfaction than to be proven an imbecile." " What time do the guests arrive?" " Well, no one arrives first, sir." " They all come in last." "  Hey, Boss..." " Will you knock it off?" " Those bulls out there ain't got nothin' on me, or they'd break that door down." " But how am I gonna get all these people to Annie's without them cops tailing' us?" "  You've got one ace in the hole." "  What's that?" "  Give 'em what they want: the truth." "  The truth, to the cops?" " Are you out of your skull?" " Wait a minute." " I got what they want." " Yeah." " I'm gonna go down and see the commissioner and make a deal." "  The commissioner?" "  Right." " Take over, Junior." "  Joy Boy, come on." "  I don't like it." " I don't like the whole thing." " Everybody, up on your feet." " I didn't like the way you bowed." " We're gonna do the bow." " ( moaning)" " Let's go." " Look, all I ask you, Commissioner, is you just lay off me for tonight." " That's all?" " Don't you want me to give you the keys to the city too?" "  What's your mob doing at Queenie's?" "  Nothin' that would interest you." " You see, I just can't tell anybody about it." " But if you'll just give me a base on balls for tonight, I'll save your badge." "  What do you mean, save my badge?" "  You wanna find those reporters." "  You got those reporters?" "  I got friends." " All I gotta do is just spread the word around those friends and those newsboys will show up tomorrow just as good as new." " All I ask you is, please, just lay off me for tonight." " I don't make deals with bums." " You'll have a police escort until they show up." " Wait a minute." " OK, Mac, I'm gonna tell you something." " I got those reporters, and they ain't showing up until I'm good and ready." "  Now are we gonna do business?" "  Sure, Dude." " We can do business." "  Frisk these guys and book 'em." "  What?" " You can always do business with the police." "  This ain't gonna get you no place." "  Get me the mayor." " He's throwing that big party for the governor." "  When he finds out what this is about..." " Why drag the mayor in?" " I bet he'll make a deal with you too." " He'll probably settle for about 50 years." " There's nothing crooked going on here." " When you hear the story, you'll laugh." " I'm laughing already, Dude." " I been waitin' ten years to laugh at you." "  Hello, Chief." "  Hold it." " Just before you talk to him..." "Joy Boy, I told Queenie I'd tell the truth." " I'm gonna give you the truth." " You'll think I'm nuts, but it's the truth." " It's like..." " Well, it's..." " Like a Mother Goose story." " That's right." " It's like one of those stories you tell the kids when you put 'em to bed." " Hold on, Chief." " Dave the Dude - bootlegger, racketeer and gambler - wants to tell me a beddy-bye story." " OK, forget it." " I'm gonna hang before I let any fink of a cop give me the horselaugh." " As for you, Mr. Mayor..." "You tell Mr. Mayor he'll never see those reporters again." "  Dave the Dude is in my office." "  I've gotta use the phone." " He admits he's got those reporters." " Good work, Commissioner!" " Dave the Dude admits having the reporters." "  Dave the what?" "  Fancy-pants ex-bootlegger." "  Excellent." " Have they arrested him?" "  Of course, Governor." " But what do you suppose will happen now?" " A bail bond and he's out laughing." "  That's ridiculous." "  That's the way things go down here." " Of all the nerve." " Who does he think he is?" " He can't make any deals with the police." " There's an example, Governor." " You see?" " He makes deals." " The Dude says if we don't let him alone tonight we won't see the reporters again." "  Why, this is outrageous." "  Don't get excited, Governor." " It's quite the customary procedure." " Bring the Dude up here." " That's exactly what I said." " Bring him without delay." " Don't worry about my guests." " This is more important." " You criticise my administration." " Let's see what you can do with him." "  I'd send a criminal like that away for life." "  Here's your chance, Governor." " All right, Slops, up on your blisters." " You ain't bowing right." " Lay off, Junior." " I've bowed so much, I've got a callus on my bellybutton." "  Come on." " Bow." "  Sit down, Junior." " Save your strength." "( phone rings)" "Hello." " Dude?" " You're where?" " With the police?" " You're gonna go over and pick up the reporters?" " Poor Annie." " All right." " I'll go right over." " I feel sorry for the whole stinkin' world." "  What's it gonna be?" "  It's all off." " Send the suits back." " I'm sorry." " You can go home." " Thanks for everything." "  That's a shame." " ( murmurs of disappointment)" "You learned how to bow, didn't you?" "  I wish I could cry." " ( glass smashes)" "Come on, Junior." " There's nobody at Queenie Martin's." " No, no, Annie." " Don't do anything foolish." " Mama?" " Isn't anybody coming?" " Mama, what's wrong?" " Louise, baby." " If you should..." "If anything should happen..." "Mama?" "  You wouldn't hate your mother?" "  Don't say things like that." " Is the count in the living room?" " What is it, Mama?" " La commedia è finita." " Send the waiters and the musicians home and call a doctor." " Where's poor Annie?" " Annie, I'm so sorry." " Count Romero, I'd like to talk to you for a minute, please." " I'm sure you must know there's nothing in the world I want more than for my daughter to marry your son." " She loves him." " Loves him very much." " And I know he loves her too." " Ever since Louise was born," "I've lived for one thing:" "her future." " And when she wrote me that she'd found someone she loved..." "I was the happiest mother in the world." " Count Romero, I know you came to America to find out all about us, about Louise's family." "  No, no, señora..." " No, I don't blame you." " You have the right." " And it would be terrible after they were married to find out that... that Louise's mother was... someone you would be ashamed of, that even Louise would be ashamed of." "  That's silly, Mama." "  Mrs. Manville..." "Let me go on." " I wanted this talk so you would find out all about me." " First of all, Count Romero," "I must tell you that..." "I am... (voices of crowd approaching)" "His Honour, the Mayor of the city of New York." " Go ahead, Mayor." " It's your idea." " Start beaming." " My dear Mrs. Manville." " So good to see you again." " The last time I had the pleasure was at your party at Briar Cliff." " I will never forget it." " It was a brilliant affair." " This, of course, is Louise, the image of her late father." "  You're giving us the good news tonight?" "  So nice to see you, dear." " You look just lovely." " Have you seen Lord Ferncliffe lately?" "  Welcome to our city, sir." "  You look younger than in the newsreels." " Indeed?" " Thank you very much." " This is my son Carlos." " His Honour, the Mayor." " And you are the lucky young man." " Congratulations." " His Excellency, the Governor of New York State." "( applause)" "My dear Mrs. Manville, what a pleasure to see you again so soon, and so radiant." " And this is the fabulous Louise." " I've always admired you, so her beauty doesn't surprise me." " You know my wife?" "( wife) We're so happy to be here." " We wouldn't have missed this for the world." "( governor) Count, allow me to welcome you to New York." " I'm crying." " Dude, I'm crying!" "  Joy Boy, look, I'm crying!" "  All right." " I got my own troubles." "( sirens)" "A police escort." " That is more than we get in Barcelona." " It's nothing, my dear Carlos." " I've had many a police escort." " How about that?" " The mayor, the governor, the cops." " I thought they were all crooks." " Why did they do it?" " They gotta have an angle." " Delightful experience." " Made me feel ten years younger." " Are you still gonna investigate the mayor's administration, Governor?" " I don't think so." " I think we'll postpone it." " I must call the commissioner tomorrow." " I made his life miserable the last few days." "... the engagement of their daughter Louise to Carlos Romero of Barcelona, Spain, at a gala reception last night, and so on." " Take it from there and include a complete list of the guests." "  And that's your story, all of it." "  But what about our being snatched?" " You weren't snatched." " You were out on a drunk." "  Drunk?" "  Drunk." " Happy days must really be back if you bums are taking cabs now." "  Pipe down." " We're with the governor." "  Dry up." " We're godfathers." "( ship's hooter)" "(band plays "A Life on the Ocean Wave")" "Little Switz?" " It's parked right behind you." " He's waiting." " He's got 100 G's in small bills." " Boss, you got business." " Can I have the night off?" " I gotta go see Ma." " Wait a minute." " Listen, Dave." " My wife, I ain't seen her in a week." " And she's this way again, so..." " What do you say we split a cab?" "  Come on." "( ship's hooter)" " Elizabeth." "  Yeah." " Huh?" " What was the name of that town in Maryland?" " Now, come on." " Quit bawling." "( ship's hooter)" "My baby." " My darling." " God bless you." " Adiós." "( band plays "Auld Lang Syne")" "Courage, my pet." " Don't faint now." " Courage." " Goodbye, Louise!" " Goodbye, Louise!" "  Goodbye, Louise!" "  Hey, hey, hey!" " Why are you standing there with your mouths open?" " The crowd on this dock is loaded." " Start hustling." " Cos I'm gonna raise you one buck a month to work on Broadway." " Goodbye, Louise!"