"It's so beautiful and sparkly." " I know." " And it's a non-conflict diamond." " Aw." " When Andy proposed to me, he gave me a ring pop." " But then he ate it first." " How did Ben do it?" " Let me start from the beginning." " Uh-oh." " In 1832, Ben's great -great-great -great grandfather," "Teodore Wyatt, a bastard, met a beautiful seamstress from Antwerp." " Ben and I are getting married, and I've been telling everybody about it." " I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops." " And she has." " We've gotten several noise complaints." " We're getting married!" " All right." " Mmm." " The joy that lam feeling right now is profound and unmatched in the modern era." " And I can't tell you what it means to me that I am the very first person that you chose to tell." " Oh." " Let me walk around with you as you tell everyone else, so that I can share true joy being spread." " Please?" " Hey, everyone." " We have something very exciting to tell you that you have never heard before." " Ben and I are engaged." " What?" " And you're hearing about it for the very first time right now." "( ALL CHEERING) Oh, yeah." " Come on, everybody." " How about a little excitement?" " Leslie and Ben are engaged!" " Nothing will ever come between them." " Leslie and Ben..." "(CHUCKLES)" "(CHUCKLES) What's going on?" " Leslie and Ben are engaged." "( GASPS)" "Again?" " You guys!" " Oh, yeah." "( SCREAMS)" "Okay, T-minus six hours until the engagement party." " Has you-know-who responded yet?" " Surprisingly, no." " Larry Bird has not RSVP'd yet." " Well, he kind of waits until the last minute." " That's his style." " Put him down as a "maybe"." " Are you excited?" " Yeah, totally." " I just have two small requests." " One, put Twizzlers on the candy table." " And, two, cancel the party." " Because you invited my parents, and they can't be in the same room together." " Okay?" " Great." " Thank you." "" Ne" to canceling the party, and "no" to Twizzlers." " We are a Red Vines family." " You're going to have to get used to that." " I know you're scared, but I love you." " And this party is going to go great." " Well, if there's anyone who can bring my parents together, it's no one." " No one can ever bring them together." " My family situation is complicated." " My parents got divorced 30 years ago, and they hate each other." " Okay, I guess, it's not that complicated." " Okay." " You guys pretend you're Ron Swanson, and you're trying to decide whether you want to invest in this company." " Be super critical." " You're short." " And here we go!" "( UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein..." "Creators of Entertainment 720!" " TOM:" "...proudly present..." "BOTH:" "Rent A Swag!" " What!" " Parents, are you tired of watching your middle-school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy for them?" " Then rent them from Rent A Swag." " I own it." " You rent it." " You wear it." " You clean it." " You return it." " I get rich." " Wink!" " Rent A Swag." " APRIL:" "Okay, stop, guys, stop." " JEAN-RALPHIO: (SINGING) Where swag is my business (SHOUTING)" "And the business is my friend" "Stop." " Stop." " Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!" "( MUSIC STOPS) Please." " There's actually a lot more." " But tell us your thoughts so far." " It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life." " No." " Yes." " It's terrible." " It's terrible, you guys." " I love you, baby." " You're so smart." " You're presenting this to Ron Swanson." " Don't talk about any of your old, failed businesses." " Get rid of that stupid light show." " And definitely don't use any weird, made-up words that Ron doesn't understand." " But the presentation's tomorrow at 8:00 AM." " We don't have time to start from scratch." " Well, if you do any of that, he's not going to invest, so..." "Your funeral." " Hey." " I'm glad you're here." " Let's go over the plan." " Okay." " You and I go stargazing in Harvey James Park while my parents slowly strangle each other in the living room." " No." " Your mom arrives at 7:00." " We hand her a glass of chilled white wine and, oh, look, my mom is walking over." " And they're both educators and mothers." " What a fabulous coincidence." " Then, later, Stephen Wyatt shows up." " That's your dad." " Yes." " He's terrifying." " We make some small talk, and 30 minutes later I show everybody the big surprise." " The Knope-Wyatt Unity Quilt." " Ben and I are weaving our lives together, so I have woven this quilt." " It represents every member of our new united family." " Of all of my metaphorical art projects, this is by far the coziest." " This is amazing." " I know." " I worked really hard on it." " And, out of respect, I did not include any images of the only other man in the world who's as sexy as you, Joe Biden." " Yes, you did, right there." " Hmm?" " Oh, well, that's just a little one." " The point is this quilt is going to unite the Wyatt clan." " It's beautiful." " And it won't." "( GLASS CLINKING)" "ANN:" "Everyone?" " Before everyone else gets here," "I'd like to make a little toast." " My romantic life has been a bit of a mixed bag lately." " And when that's the case, it's hard not to be cynical about love and relationships." " But it's couples like you that give hope to the rest of us." " Leslie, you deserve the best, and you've found it." " Ben, don't you dare hurt her." "( ALL LAUGHING)" "I won't." " Don't laugh." " She means it." "( STUTTERS) I won't." " Seriously, son." " Don't hurt her." " Okay." " I'm not planning on hurting her." " You better not be." " I'm not." " Hey, Ben?" " You best watch yourself." " Why would any of you think I would hurt Leslie?" " You're all my friends, too." "( MUTTERS)" "This was literally the most beautiful, and moving thing that I have ever heard." "( SOBBING)" "There, there, baby boy." " Take all the time you need." " Well, sure, in a wrestling match, Kirk would win." " But, overall, who would you rather have at the helm of your Sovereign-class starship?" " Jean-Luc Picard." " No contest." " Hey, your mom's here." " I need you." " Thank God." " There's my boy." " Hey, Mom." " Nice to see you." " This is Leslie Knope, my fiancée." " Hi." " It's really nice to finally meet you, Ms. Wyatt." " Oh, please call me Julia." " ls your father here yet?" " No fighting tonight, Mom." " Don't worry." " I'm going to be civil as long as he is." " Frankly, after what he did at Geoffrey's graduation..." "Oh, I have some white wine for you, some Chardonnay." " Oh!" " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Right this way." "( CHUCKLES)" "Hey, you guys." " Come on in." "( SNIFFLES)" "Ann." " Hey." " You all right, man?" " The toast that you gave to Ben and Leslie was so beautiful." " And I'm feeling very raw from my therapy." " I'm so happy and so sad." "( SOBBING)" "It's like a perfect storm of emotions." " And, so, I'm hiding out here, so I don't ruin this party for my two amazing best friends who I love so much." " Oh!" "( GROANS)" "There's no more tissue." " Everything ends." " No, no, no." " No, there's more tissue." " Everything goes away." " And I said, "Rules or no rules," ""I just have to kiss that beautiful face."" " Oh, well, that's a Knope woman for you." " When we see something adorable, we attack it." " He is adorable, isn't he?" " You chose well, Ben." " Thank you." "( GIGGLES)" "So far so good." " I'll admit it." " Things are going surprisingly well." " And pack it up." " It's over." " We're screwed." " He brought his girlfriend?" " He wasn't supposed to bring his girlfriend, Ben." " Oh!" " Ben." " Your father brought his little plaything." " Hi, Benny." " Hey, Dad." " Hi." " Hi." "( CHUCKLES)" "(GRUNTS)" "Hi, Ulani." " I thought you weren't coming." " Ulani is my girlfriend, and she's important to me." " And I need her here." " Ulani, hi, I'm Leslie." " What a wonderful surprise." " We're so happy that you're here." " What the hell, Steve?" " They didn't know I was coming?" " We didn't know it was spring break." "( CHUCKLES)" "Okay." " Thanks, everybody, for coming." " I'm so sorry you all have to go home." " Hey." " Red Vines, anyone?" " We're a Twizzlers family." " Okay, we are off to a rocky start, but we are going to fix this." " Yes, we will." " I called a cab." " It's outside." " I gave the driver $100 to sit and wait." " So, whenever we're ready to go, like, maybe, right now, all we have to do is walk outside." " No." " I want to be here now with you and your parents." " Help me make this work." " Okay, fine." " The best thing to do is distract them with innocuous talk about the stuff they care about." " Great." " Like what?" " Well, they're white people from Minnesota." " So, hockey, fishing, skiing, sailing." " And after a few drinks put on a Prince album." " Don't mention the Green Bay Packers or the state of Iowa." " And, also, I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Australia tonight." " Everything okay?" " Yes, slight speed bump." " Everything is terrible." " But I am going to fix it with my secret weapon." " Okay." " Well, I will make sure that everything else runs smoothly." " Ann, you are such a good friend." " You are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox." " Thank you, ox, for keeping this ship afloat." " You got it." " Guys, I need your help, okay?" " Chris is in the back room, and he's crying." " Go in there." " Calm him down." " Make him feel better." " Leslie and Ben have enough to deal with, okay?" " Thank you." " Wait, why is Chris crying?" " Uh, he's emotional." " Wait, why is Chris emotional?" " Because he's in therapy right now, and it's dredging up a lot of stuff for him." " Wait, wait." " Like, what kind of stuff?" " Like, I don't know." " His friends are getting married and he's not dating anyone." " Why isn't he dating anyone?" " Yeah, why don't you date him?" " Because I'm dating myself right now." " Okay?" " I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy." " Ugh." " Why is it always about you, Ann?" " Self-centered much?" " Just go." " Okay?" " Thank you." " Ron in 60 seconds." " Tom." " I haven't seen you tonight." " I've been working on my presentation." " I just came by to congratulate Leslie and then I'm heading back." " I admire the work ethic." " I'm always looking for new investments." " Ever since I got my first job at the age of nine," "I have put all my money into gold, which is currently at an all-time high." " So, I have a certain amount of money." " I've said too much." " Looking forward to tomorrow." " Yes, about that." " I was wondering." " Is there any chance we could reschedule?" " I just want to make sure everything's up to my world-class standees." " I like to keep my appointments, son, and I like others to do the same." " Of course, yes." " No problem, 8:00 AM tomorrow." " I think you're going to be very impressed with our presentation." "" Our" presentation." " Who else is joining you?" "( SINGING) Ricka, ricka, ricka, ricka" "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha" "(WHISPERS) Swanson" "RON:" "Jean-Ralphio." " JEAN-RALPHIO:" "That's me." " I didn't realize you were a part of this." " Of course he is." " He's my business partner." "( GASPS) (BOTH VOCALIZING)" "BOTH:" "Cling!" " Business partner now and forever." " Hold up." " Forever 21." " Twenty-one gun salute." " Salute Your Shorts." " Kaboosh!" " I just free-associated all over the moustache." " That's just one of many skills he brings to this business partnership." " What are those, shrimp?" "( GROANS)" "Okay." " Rethink that move, son." " Let's just drive back, I feel weird." " Steve, you like sailing, right?" " Not anymore, since Julia got the boat in the divorce, and then sold it to a scrap yard because she's terrible." " Well, at least you don't have to deal with all that boat upkeep now, right?" " Huh?" " Yuck." " No thankee." " Let's talk about something other than sailing." " Why don't you head in the other room?" " I have a surprise that..." "There she goes." " There's a surprise for you." " So, um, head on in." " I don't like surprises." " Okay, look." " You gave it a try, but this quilt thing is not going to work." " Ben, on three separate occasions," "I have used a quilt to mend fences." " In ninth grade, a quilt ended an argument between my two best friends." " And a quilt settled the Donna-Jerry parking lot feud of 2006." " What was the third time?" " Right (BLEEPS) now." " Okay." " I still don't think it's going to work, but I am really attracted to you right now." " I know." " Let's do this." "( BANGING ON DOOR)" "Police, open up, we have a warrant!" " Just kidding, it's us." " Ha!" " We got you." " Hey, Andy and April." " We have someone who wants to see you." " Champion!" " Come here." " Hey, boy!" " You are such a brave, good dog with so much spirit." " You have overcome so much." " You are the most wonderful dog in the whole world." " And I am so happy for you." "( LAUGHS)" "LESLIE:" "Okay, everyone." " I have a surprise for all of you." " Voila!" "( GASPS)" "LESLIE:" "The Knope-Wyatt Unity Quilt." " It represents our two families coming together." " And there is a personalized square for each member of our joined family." " See?" " Sweetheart, this is lovely." " Thanks, Mom." " Where's my square?" " Well, you're not technically..." "Not technically what?" " Not technically an adult." " This is a very thoughtless omission, Leslie." " And as far as I'm concerned, if there's no Ulani square this is not a legitimate unity quilt." " Oh!" " That old chestnut." " Okay." " I will make an Ulani square." " Very, very easy, okay." " Look." " This is your square now." " What does "Ulani" mean?" "" Cheerful."" " Sure." " All right." " Look at that." " Unity." " It's that simple." " All we had to do..." "I don't want her name on my quilt." " It's not your..." "It's everyone's quilt." " It's a unity quilt." " I think it's mean that you didn't do a square for me." " It's a disaster, is what it is." " You can say that again, Steve." " See, Ben?" " They're agreeing." " It's working." " Okay." " I'm thinking we junk everything except the mannequins." " Ron's got to see how dope the outfits are." " That's the business." " Why are we going to Ron?" " Ron should be coming to us." " We created Entertainment 720." " It was a huge failure." " I don't know." " Look." " A bank's not going to give us a loan, and Ron loves my entrepreneurial spirit." " Trust me." " He's our best chance of getting startup money." " I hear that." " Let's go clubbing." " No, we've got to work." " Didn't you hear me say we had to junk most of the presentation?" " Tommy." " I will always be there for you, no matter what." " But right now, I cannot be there for you because I have to go." " I hate to say this, but sometimes you've got to work a little, so you can ball a lot." " That was beautiful." " That changed me." " I'll give you 10 minutes." " You have to try to eat something." " Okay?" " Mmm!" " Wow." " That's amazing." " See?" " There you go." " This one's not as good." " ANDY:" "All right, Chris, here's the plan." " I'm just going to list off happy things until you're cheered up." " Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music." " And I'll list terrible things to bring you back down." " Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth." " This is weirdly working." " It's evening me out." " Okay, keep going- Keep going." " Laughter." " Snails crawling out of your mouth." " The beach." " Snails crawling out of your mouth." " ANDY:" "Cute cats." " APRIL:" "Snails crawling out of your butt." " Dave Matthews Band." " Dave Matthews Band." " Look, Dad, Leslie worked really hard on this." " So, can you just cool it for, like, 30 seconds?" " Sure." " I can." " But your mother can't." " See?" " She's ruining your quilt, just like she ruined our marriage." " Mom." " Oh, I didn't know we could cut that." " It had to be done, Ben." " It absolutely did not have to be done." " Look, champagne!" " Yeah." " Why don't we just forget about the quilt and just raise a glass?" " Yes." " Toasts are fun." " They usually signify the end of a party." " Here you are, Ulani." " I'm good, thanks." " By all means, go ahead and take it, Ulani." " Wait." " Are you even old enough to drink?" " Yes, Julia, I am." " But I can't because I'm pregnant." " You're what?" "( MOANS) Oh, boy." " I didn't mean to steal your spotlight, but the cat's out of the bag." " Young Ben is going to have a new baby sister." " Huh..." "Still firing bullets, son." "( LAUGHS)" "I cannot be in the same room as him." " Well, what about the wedding?" " I'm talking about the wedding." " Ladies and gentlemen, the Wyatt family." " It's like the War of the Wyatts out there, huh?" " I mean, it's so brutal." " Oh, my God." " Were you and Dad ever like that?" " Well, like any married couple, honey, your father and I fought occasionally." " Sometimes, he won the argument, and sometimes I won." " But usually, we forgot what we were arguing about and just had sex." "( SCATTING) Anyway, the important thing is that we always ended up on the same team." " And in the same bed." " Ugh." " God, I miss that man." " How can you be so wise and so inappropriate at the same time?" " I'm a parent." "( SIGHS) I can't figure out how to phrase this mission statement." " Let me get a shot at it." " I'm actually pretty good at this stuff." "( WHISTLES)" "See?" " You just googled "Amanda Bynes' side boob."" " What's wrong with you?" " What's wrong with you?" " Why is your safe-search on?" " That is amateur hour, Tom." " Listen." " We've been at this for an entire evening." " I say, why don't we cut our losses?" " If it was such a good idea, we would be millionaires by now." " Hello." " Look, man." " I believe in this idea." " Do you?" " You know I love you, but I don't think you're as serious about this business as I am." " Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not." "( CLEARS THROAT)" "Hey." " I got your text." " What are you doing?" " I grabbed all of the brownies from the dessert table and four bottles of wine." " Get in the car." " We're going to Australia." " Leslie." " I am so sorry for everything." " I love you and I want to be on your team." " lam on your team." " But I think that our team should be far away from here." " Normally, I would get in the cab with you." " But I am so sick of them ruining everything." " And I really liked that unity quilt." " It was a good quilt." " It was an awesome quilt." " Look." " My parents are insane, but they need to be at our wedding." " You know what?" " It's time for this team to come up with a new plan." " I agree." " Phase one of our new plan." " You get in the backseat of this cab and we hardcore make out for 15 minutes." " I would love to do that." " I'm just not sure if the driver would be okay with it." " For another $100, you can do whatever you want." " Let's do this." " Swanson." " What's up, my man?" "( GROANS) Are you kidding me?" " Jean-Ralphio." " I thought you and Tom were working on your presentation." " No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere." " Do you know what I mean?" " You abandoned your friend?" " God, no." " He fired me." " Straight up." " Talked about how I wasn't serious enough about the project." " How he needed to grow up." " Anyway, I have an amazing investment idea for you." " Condoms with pictures on them." " Pass." " Good." " Smart." " I think you made the right decision." " Take care." " ANN:" "Chris?" " Seems like the storm has passed." " CHRIS:" "Indeed, it has." " I can't believe that I spent the entire party in a room being happy-sad on a night that means so much to my two best friends." " I mean, you're going through a lot." " You need to purge all this stuff that's been building up." " This lesbian nurse is right, Chris." " You can't keep it all bottled up." " Maybe you're right." " Maybe all of my emotions tumbling out like this means that I can get a clean start." " Well, for that, you're going to have to visit the bathroom first." " Right?" " No." " Ann Perkins." " You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor." " That's all I ever wanted to be." " This was supposed to be a happy occasion." " You were supposed to come here, celebrate your son's engagement, maybe bury the ax, and not in each other's back." " But it did not work out that way." " So, here's the new plan." " I don't expect you to like each other." " But you have to come to the wedding." " Okay?" " We'll seat you far away from each other." " You don't even have to socialize." " Yeah." " In fact, we insist that you don't." " But you do have to show up and tell us that you had a great time." " That's the deal." " You can either take it, or you can take it." " I can take it." " I'm sorry." " I'm sorry, too, Benny." " Sorry, whatever." " Ah!" " What a beautiful apology." " STEVE:" "Julia." " Guys?" " BOTH:" "Sorry." " LESLIE:" "Ben's parents are insane, but he is not." " He's amazing." " And that's all that matters." " I guess he might become insane as he ages." " I should keep an eye out for that." " Also, for the record, my unity quilt worked." " So, technically, lam three for three with unity quilts." " We only have 30 bucks left." " Let's go." " Oh." " Okay." " Get ready, driver." " We're going to make out so hard in the back of your cab." " Are you okay, son?" " Did you get any sleep?" " Not really." " I stayed up most of the night." " But that's not important." "( EXHALES)" "Let me tell you about Rent A Swag." " No need, Tom." " I'm in." " I like doing business with serious people." " And when you removed yourself from the company of that moron, you showed me you're a serious person." " You have your start-up money." " Wow." " I appreciate it." " Tommy T, you just missed the craziest of crazies." " Clubs." " Girls." " Dancing." " Naked." " Mom?" " Argument." " Police." " Fleeing the scene." " Hiding in a dumpster." " Coming here." " Crashing on your couch for a week because, (IN SING-SONG MANNER) technically, I'm homeless." " Hey, moustache." " I'm going to hit the couch." " You know where I be."