"Previously, on "The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret"..." "Brent Wilts:" "Brent, I am not weak-- I am a strong, confident asshole." " Hudson:" "To a delicious meal." " Alice Bell:" "Oh, my god!" " Hudson, I just got off the phone from "the Molecule."" "  You're hired." "  Really?" " I think this salad might be off." " Doug Whitney:" "We have a few questions for mr." " Mountford." "[  laughing ]" "Dave:" "Idiots!" " Do you know what would be fun tomorrow?" " If we followed them around for a bit." " Todd Margaret:" "I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys." "" In Which Todd Accidentally Learns a Secret and Brent and Doug Get Closer to Further From the Truth" Original Air Date on January 27, 2012 [S02E04]" "Another? " Wipe the beans off your j"" " Yeah, yeah." " Huh?" " I didn't know Brent was jewish." " Oh!" "[  door slamming ]" "Pam:" "Hey, mommy's home!" " What the f-- has happened here?" " What the" "Baby formula?" " What the hell is that?" " Now, this is the last Mountford on our list." " I gotta say, I'm feeling kind of excited, but mixed with a little bit of vulnerability." " Mountford, you in there?" " Dorothy Mountford:" "Coming, dear." " Hey, you wrinkled bitch, where's Mountford?" " There's only me lives here." " I'm Mountford" "Dorothy Mountford." " So, we finally meet." " Brent, I'm fairly certain The D. Mountford we're looking for is a man." " Well, well, well, looks like we got some fuckin' Mrs. Doubtfire shit goin' on here, is that it?" " 'Cause guess what, dude?" " I've been fooled by better looking cocks in frocks than you!" " You didn't even bother to shave off your 'stache." " I'm not a man, deary." " Oh, aren't ya?" " Well, what's gonna happen when I reach down here?" " I'm I gonna find me a big old bag of balls?" " Madam, I fear there has been a grave misunderstanding." " My... partner will apologize on my behalf." " You should be ashamed of yourself." " I am." " Allow us to give you this free complimentary phone charger, ma'am." "[  knock at door ]" "Pam." " Alice?" " Aren't you gonna invite me in?" " I didn't do anything." " Wh-what didn't I do?" " Where have you been?" " What've you been doing?" "  Noth" " I-- nothing." "  Todd!" " Okay, uh, I drove an English truck up to Leeds, where I bought Butterscotch, and Dave had me join a rugby game, but I didn't know the rules, so, they beat me up, and then I ended up" "spending three days in a coma, in the hospital, and then, when I woke up, I ran over an important liberal with my wheelchair, and then I walked home." " The end." " Well, then, how did you find time to get me a job at "the Molecule?"" " What?" " Who?" " Where?" " When?" " How?" " No, not "how"-- not "how."" " Todd, I know it was you!" " I mean, at-at first, I thought it was Hudson, and then I saw the crates of Thunder Muscle and I thought, "that's odd."" " But, you know, whatever." " And then, later, I remember that the chef said the man who recommended me for the job wasn't her type." " She was talking about you, of course!" " I thought it was a black and white thing, but it turns out, it was just a gorgeousness thing." " I-I-- she, you know, might have" "Look, it's the package, really." " It's the wh-- not the package, but the-the overall sense of" "You know, which you have a lot of, in-in a unique way." " You know, I mean, you're very unique." " You, um, and, um" "It's a compliment, okay?" " Todd, why didn't you tell me?" " I thought if you knew that I had something to do with it, then maybe, uh" "But they treated you okay, huh?" " Yeah, yeah." " They-they treated me like I was special." " And you're okay with that?" " Yeah, of course." " Okay, well, good, good." " I mean, the Thunder Muscle story would only go so far." " So, I-I knew I had to juice it up a little but." " But, hey, wait a second." " You're not" "When you say "special," you don't mean retarded." " You mean special, like a princess?" " Which is..." "How you should be treated." " Chuck Margaret:" "Hey, look, kids, your mommy's back!" " Children:" "Oh!" " Hey!" " Why you got my kids done up like a bunch of fairies, you perverted gnome?" " I got 'em cleaned up." " Look, I got nicorette patches on little Malibu there." " Whoa, nanny McPhee!" " Thanks for that, but you've done your bit and mommy's back now." " You can piss off." " What's the point of having a telly, if you ain't gonna watch it?" " I know I'm not Hudson, but I'm me, and, you know" "That's a good thing." " As such, because you are," "Uh..." "Well, cupid, you've worked your magic again." " Okay, I'll take it." " There you go, old man." " You can take those, as well." " They're quite shit." " My work here is done." " Anyway, you can understand why I did what I did." " Yeah, and, I mean," "I'm a-I'm a bit confused now, because I-I think, you know, maybe I was wrong about you." " Maybe you were." " Breaking news." " In Hertfordshire, renowned restaurant, la Molecule, has been quarantined by the national environmental agency, due to the suspected release of megathrax, the most lethal of all" "Oh, no, my job!" " Uh-oh!" " What do you mean, "uh-oh?"" " I mean, uh-oh." " The-the-the TV fell over, by accident." " What did you do?" " I've done nothing." " What did you do?" " Okay, now I'm rememb" "Okay, this probably, maybe, has something to do with this, uh-uh, vial" "I took from the hospital lab, uh, that was over by the" "Your dressing, which was absolutely so delicious." " What are you doing?" " Are you mental?" " I-I said, "possibly."" " Everything you touch turns to shit!" " You're-you're a pariah!" " Was just... trying to do the right thing." " You know, your-your parents really won the lottery when they picked you!" " All right, enough, enough." " What do you mean, "picked me?"  That doesn't even make any sense." " The adoption, Todd." " Chuck deserves some sort of reward for not giving you back!" " What are you talking about?" " I wasn't adopted." " You can't stop lying for one minute!" " I'm not lying!" " I wasn't adopted!" " You're pathetic." " What" " Chuck's just a liar now, is he?" " My dad told you I was adopted?" " Ye" "Yeah." " Okay, this... this is crazy talk." " What are you" "I wasn't adopt" "What did-- what did he say?" " What did he say?" " Um..." "Uh, I-I don't know." " I-- nothing!" " Just-- god, just ask him!" " Alice, I swear to you, I wasn't adopted!" " I think." " Dad, dad, get out here, right now!" " What are you yelling about?" " I wanna speak to my dad." " He's left, hasn't he?" "  Where to?" "  I don't know." " Your dad's a weird one, though, isn't he?" " He likes taking little kids and making 'em like they're his own." "... Nation..." "Manhunt now on for Margaret." " Todd:" "Mom, it's Todd." " Um, can you call me when you get up, please?" " Also, was I adopted?" " Bye." " Who am I?" " Who are you?" " Daddy?" "[  siren blaring ]" "Doug:" "It seems we have exhausted our list of Mountford's." " Dorothy was our last one." " Brent:" "Who is this guy?" " He's a cipher!" " Uh, he could be anywhere." "[  cell phone ringing ]" "It's him." " It's Mountford!" "  Pick it up." "  What?" " Don't be such a "p" word." " Yes, hello, Mr. Mountford, sir." " Dave:" "Wilts, [ indistinct ]." " I will have your money for you in four days, sir." " Call Dave and have him trace this call." " I'm sorry-- what's that, sir?" " Four days?" " I need it in three, or should I just pick it up at your funeral?" " If you don't give me my money within three days, you yankee doodle fuck-bucket," "I'm gonna rip your balls off, then I'm gonna rip your cock off and I'm gonna play snooker." " And Wilts, before you get a big head, it's a tiny snooker table." " Of course it is, sir." " Thank you." " Wait-- hang on a minute." " Hello, Todd's assistant, Dave, here." " Hi, Dave, Doug Whitney here." " Hi, mr." " Whitney." " What can I do for ya?" " Um, you were speaking earlier about tracing phone calls." " Oh, yeah, I'm standing in front of my mobile trace tracker 3000, now." " Oh, give me one second." " Wilts, you mincing skid mark, are you still there?" " Yes, sir." " Um, keep him talking." " Sir, uh, mr." " Mountford," "How's the family?" " Good, yeah?" " Uh, Dave?" " Yeah?" " C-can you trace this call right here?" " Uh, yeah, sure." " Are you within 20 meters of it?" " I am within 20 meters." " And is there someone around that you can hug and boost the signal?" " Yeah, yeah." " What are you doing?" " It's for the signal." "  It's hugging" " No, don't!" "  Wilts!" "  Yes, sir?" " No, I-I was just inquiring about the-the precious little ones." " What are you prattling on about, you twat?" " You leave my kids out of this!" "  Mr. Whitney?" "  Yes?" " I'm gonna put the coordinates into the [ indistinct ] and the results should be with you shortly." " You freaking perv!" " What's it matter to you how my kids are?" " I've got half a mind to send Billy the Cheese grater over there, pay you a little visit." " Yes, sir!" " Mr. Whitney, you need to put it on speaker phone for it to work." " Okay, you need to put it on speaker." " Make noises like a '70s computer." " Jon Hamm:" "Sir?" " Like a dumb robot." "[  robotic gibberish ]" "I didn't say it was underwater." " I-I-I can do, like, a '90s dial-up modem." " No!" " I knew I should've hired Michael Winslow." " Uh..." "Uh... [ robotic gibberish ]" "Fine-- that'll have to do." " Mr. Whitney, I've got it working now." " Good." " When the trace stabilizes, you'll hear Mountford's conversation." " Call Todd Margaret from this phone." "[  cell phone vibrating ]" "Hello, Todd Margaret here." " Hello, mr." " Margaret." " This is Yolanda, from the head office." " We are trying to authorize payment of your paycheck to you." " It's from a mr." " Manford via Brent Wilts, but we cannot find a Manford in our system." " Finally, yes." " Uh, no, uh-uh," "Brent Wilts is my boss." " The guy's name on the check is Mountford." " Like I said, we are ready to authorize that payment to you, but we cannot find a Manford listed." " Right-- no, it's Mountford." " Not Manford?" " That's a misspelling." " It's Mountford." " Malanford?" " Mountford!" " Mountford!" " Mountford!" " God, just give me the money!" " Mountford works for Todd Margaret?" " What the hell is going on?" " Mr. Whitney, I've got the address now." " It's, uh, 13 Chipstow Passage." " Thirteen Chipstow Passage." " Thanks, Dave-- great work." " Wait." " Thirteen Chipstow Passage." " It's very familiar." " It's like working with idiots." " Cheryl:" "Uh, diet coke, please." " Hello." " Uh, hi, hi, hi." " You look like you've been to a funeral." " Well, I did kinda lose somebody today." " Oh, dear, I'm sorry." " That's-that's all right." " He was a decent guy." " Never meant anybody any harm." " Good kisser." " I'm Cheryl." " Oh, hi-- sorry." " Yeah, uh, Todd-- sorry." " Uh, can I get you a drink?" " Oh, no, thanks." " I've just ordered a diet cola." " I shouldn't drink yet." " It's gonna be a long night." " I'm a bit of a lightweight." " Go on, then." " Just be friendly." " Um, Roy, could you put, uh, rum in that?" " Just a tiny little one." "[  flatulence]" "Uh..." "Oh, uh..." "Sor-sorry." " That's my, uh, my ring tone." " I have a farting ring tone." " I love that!" " But..." "Yeah, and a smell app, as well." " Separate but equal download." " Japanese." " That is wicked!" " It's a wrong number, anyway." " Uh, so, Cheryl, what do you do?" " It's my best mate's wedding this weekend." " And, um, so, we're having a bit of a hen night." " Uh, me and Leslie, my best mate, us and some of the girls, we're just gonna have a bit of a giggle." " We go way back, me and Leslie." " She's a great girl." " She would do anything for anyone." " Yeah, but she's a man." " Yeah." " Dirty slug." " Yeah, she thinks she is the queen bee." " Bitch!" " Flaunting her tits and her little skirt." " Yeah, with her big lardy ass." "[  laughing ]" "I can get a man, yeah, but a proper man." " None of that soft dick she's marrying." " But, she's my best friend and I-I am so happy for her." " I love her to bits." " Well, she sounds wonderful." " Bitch!" " Awful." " This is delta one, completing our sweep of east London." " No sign of Todd Margaret." " We're heading west." " Cheryl:" "So, I said, [ indistinct ]" ""You listen, and you listen good," ""'cause you do not know true class if it was" ""standing in front of you, and-and, like," ""ordering french wine in a restaurant," ""with, like, china plates and waiters and things."" " Yeah?" " Yeah, and Christmas, too," "Yeah." " I remember" "Todd:" "So, I gotta get goin'." " It was a pleasure to meet you." "  Good luck on your" " No, I bought you a pint of shandy." " Oh, no-no, I'm good." " Oh, no, come on-- sit down." " All right, okay." " Sit down." " But, I gotta go after that." "  Sit" " Yes, okay." " You are with me tonight." " Yeah, yeah?" " Okay, all right." " But, after this, I'm done." " All right?" " I-I do have to go after this." " I do." " I was just talking about my-- [ indistinct mumbling ]" "Leslie:" "Cheryl got started without us!" "[  collective screaming ]" "Come here!" " Who's he?" " Todd-- his friend just died." "[  indistinct ]" "All:" "Oh!" "[  cell phone vibrating ]" "Hey, this is so fun!" " Uh... [ flatulence ] [ collective laughter ]" "His ring-tone is a fart!" "[  indistinct ]" "Dave?" " Dave:" "Todd, are you in a pub?" " I can't hear you." " You-you're breaking up." " Yeah, Dave, I'll-- all right, I'll have, uh," "I'll have two more." "[  chanting "drink" ]" "Bloody hell." " Jon:" "S-sir, thank you again, so much, for the opportunity to work with you." " It has been a tremendous honor, but I have to get back to the "Mad Men" set." " They need to start shooting me on Monday." " Not this shit again, Hamm!" " I'm really sorry, sir." " I've done everything you asked." " It's just, they've already written me out of the first four episodes." " Jon, enough of your whining!" " I'm so sorry, sir!" " God, here come the waterworks." " Look..." "I have one last script for you to do, then you're done, for good." " I promise." " All right!" " Who's having what?" " Um, sex on the beach." " Oh, that must be Nadia's." " She'll take sex anywhere she can get it!" " Leslie:" "Including her bum!" "[  collective laughter ]" "Ah-ah-ah-ah!" " You've gotta ask for it." " Come on, there's no drink named that." " There is-- ask for it." " Can I have ten inches of black cock up my ass?" "[  collective laughter ]" " This is it" " Thirteen Chipstow Passage." "  Great." " Wait-- this is where Mountford was calling from?" " This is Todd's place." "[  collective laughter ]" "Okay, okay, I-I really do have to get going." " No, hey, [ indistinct ]!" " No, no, no, I gotta go." "[  collective laughter ]" "I just have some shit to sort out, you know?" " I mean, I-I-I got so many questions about who I am." " Drink up, honey!" " Takin' it like a tranny!" "[  indistinct ]" "I'm marrying that tranny!" " Hey, hey-hey-hey!" " It's the fart phone!" "[  flatulence] [ collective laughter ]" "Hey, mom." " Shh-shh." " Hey-- no, no-no-no." " I'm in a-I'm in a limousine." " No, it's doesn't matter." " But, listen," "I have a very important question to ask you." " Was I adopt-- no!" " No cheating, right." " Okay, take this number down, okay?" " And when this phone begins farting!" " No, no, no, no!" " No, no, no, no, no!" " Don't do that-- don't do that." " All right." "[  flatulence ] [ collective laughter ]" "Me, me, me, me, me!" " No-no, that's enough." " Come on, just-- [ flatulence ] [ collective shouting ]" "Dirty, nasty bugger!" " I didn't!" "" " Take your shitty fart phone, you wanker!" " My clothes!" " Doug:" "Uh, he's gone." " Brent:" "He's like Jason Bourne, this guy." " It's a good thing I splurged on this" ""suddenly Sherlock CSI Baker Street kit," right?" " We can finally find out who Todd Margaret really is." " Pentagram's gone-- it worked!" " I tell ya, if there's one thing I learned from Jesus, it's that ghosts hate pentagrams." " Brent..." "He's taunting us." " What-what does he want from us?" " What sort of diabolical genius are we dealing with?" " Todd:" "Todd Frances Margaret." " ♪ Am I a whisper of a person ♪" "♪ of a name that I don't know ♪" "♪ It's time to bury ♪" "♪ an old friend.  ♪" "Good-bye, Todd Margaret." " Hey!" " What do you think you're doing?" " Get your hands up in the air!" " Oh, my god!" " It's Todd Margaret!" " You bastard!" " Digging up princess Di's grave." " I" "♪ ]Life is short ♪" "♪ and the days are long ♪" "♪ gotta get right back ♪" "♪ where I don't belong ♪" "♪ Life's too sweet ♪" "♪ so good thing it's gone ♪" "♪ I know what I need ♪" "♪ without reservation ♪" "♪ Can't control myself ♪" "♪ Anticipation ♪" "♪ Things are gonna get worse ♪" "Jon:" "Hey, chubby, you do realize what a menu is, right?" " It's a list of choices." " You don't have to eat the whole thing." " Do it again, Hamm, that was crap!"