Well, after several weeks of being out of work and trying to decide what
to do next, I think I have it. 

I was watching one of the candidate's debates the other night and it
came to me.  It was so clear and obvious I can't believe I didn't see it
before.  I need to run for President of the United States! 

Now I will never be President, but I realized the other night, neither
will most of the other men (and woman) now raising millions of dollars
from special interests.  There's no interest more special to me right now
than figuring out where the next paycheck(s) will come from! 

Well, what's your platform you say?  What do you believe in?  In an effort
to inform my potential campaign contributors and by that, of course I
mean voters, I've decided to interview myself. 

John, do you believe in family values? 

"Yes, I do.  I value my family immensely.  I love being around them (even
though they do sometimes drink a bit too much and knock things over).  Of
course, family values vary from family to family; you'll have to decide
the value of yours." 

Are you a religious man? 

"Excellent question.  You know, religion was never talked about in
Presidential races until about 10 years ago, with the exception of John
Kennedy's Catholicism in 1960.  For most of this country's history, it
was considered an indelicate question and a private matter.  God I miss
that!" 

Have you ever had an extramarital affair? 

"I'm single you moron." 

Will you raise taxes? 

"I might, that's how we pay for things.  Let me ask you a question.how
much do you make?" 

Nothing, I'm out of work right now. 

"OK good, your taxes won't go up." 

How do you feel about abortion? 

"I don't like it, never met anybody who does." 

But do you think it should be illegal? 

"No, the jails are already full of recreational drug users, there's no
room for women and doctors. 

Are you a Liberal or a Conservative? 

"What's the difference?" 

Well, a Liberal believes government should take care of people. 

"Then I'm a Liberal." 

And a Conservative believes people should be independent. 

"Then I'm a Conservative." 

You can't be both. 

"Why not?" 

I'm not sure. 

"Get back to me when you are." 

You have no experience in government or business, why would you make a
good President? 

"The last guy had experience in both.  How'd he do?" 

So.you're not really running, but you are raising money.  Where should
people send their donations? 

"I'm not sure yet, I'm still exploring the legality of campaign funds
being sent to an offshore account." 

OK. -  end of interview.  As I said, I don't expect to be President, but
I've always liked the idea of an exploratory committee.  Their first
assignment is to take in campaign contributions and explore a resort in
St. Bart's where I can work on the rest of my platform.  I'll keep you
posted, but right now, I have to go download "Hail to the Chief" onto my
iPod.